#still it was really important to demonstrate to myself that I'm more than half way

[sylenth-l]

I'm sure someone has asked already but there's no harm in asking this question again, I was wondering how do you plot out your drawings? Like your proportions and stuff? Because I have never been able to get proportions done very easily, the head is always too small for the shoulders, arms aren't the right length, torso is too long/short, ect ect. Do you have any advice to help with this? Thank you :) 💜

Hey! Okay, I'll start with saying that I'm not a qualified art teacher and everything I say are just things I've noticed over the years of drawing myself and thus can only share things that worked for me personally ✌️✨

I use head to measure the height of everything and make the width whatever I feel looks good 😅 The classic art anatomy teaches us that perfect human's height is 8 heads and legs take exactly half of it. I rarely stick to that model tbh, I prefer to draw in an even more stylized way, so I usually make legs a bit longer (making it 8.5 or even 9+ heads total) and head just a biiit bigger.  Still, I started from classics and I believe it's much easier to learn it first, so I drew the 8 heads model for a better demonstration:

I've developed a little checklist of the most important proportions; usually if those conditions are met, the whole figure looks convincing enough to me.

Head + torso is 4 heads;

Elbows and waist are relatively on the same line;

Open palm is the same length as the face (head minus hairline);

Arm length ends a bit higher than half of the hip;

Knees are located at the middle of legs length minus feet.

Okay, it looks really easy for a frontal view of a standing still figure, but what about more complicated poses? My suggestion is to measure the stick figure inside the body (not forgetting about the perspective distortion though). Take the "spine" and the least bent leg to check everything, then make sure both legs are the same length.

Note that these measurements don't need to be exact as if made with a ruler! We aren't doing blueprints here. If you don't trust your eye, then try training it, whenever you have a free minute: just draw a long line and try to divide it into equal parts. Or draw a long line with many short lines of the same length; kinda like a dashline, but with no gaps.

Also, I think it's important to remember that measurements and proportions are cool, useful and make your life a lot easier, but often you may need to bend them for the final drawing to look good. And obviously, people come in many shapes and heights, so I suggest taking these classical measurements as a cheatsheet to draw a good standard stick figure, which you can shape into whatever you want later. The 8 heads canon isn't realistic anyway, it originated in Ancient Egypt and Greece and was used for art needs specifically (mainly sculpture iirc). It represents an idealized view of a human figure already, so no harm in changing it a bit further I think!

 Art doesn't really need to be anatomically correct, it just has to look like it is.

[tinyowlthoughts]

Bury Your Gays by @drchucktingle

I laughed. I cried. I read it in one sitting and will read it again before the week is over.

Holy fuck.

The horror is exquisite. Not just that people are dying (both in-story but also fictionally through film) in fascinating and creative ways, as well as being stalked/threatened/jump scared/etc., but in the way that the horror characters are connected to the protagonists history. Habits, smells, sights - everything is part of the whole.

There are no throw-away details in this book - everything has meaning, everything connects in some way. This is the kind of tapestry woven that would take up an entire wall of a castle, the kind with so many small, intricate details that it would take you hours of examination to notice and appreciate all of them. The matchbooks, the phones, the crossword with pen - all of it has a meaning that reflects on the overall story. It's insane.

Misha is fantastic. He's smart and successful, but also a deeply flawed character in that he can't accept praise, not to mention being so deep in the closet for half the book he's having tea with Aslan and playing bridge with the Babadook on Thursdays. (But hey, double date potential for Misha & Zeke with Babadook & Pennywise!) His flaws aren't just 'he's in the closet', either. No, he's forgetful at times, not always great at communicating with his boyfriend (another great character), or with his employers. It's mentioned he has a snappy, harsh history with the paparazzi. Still, he's someone you want to root for throughout the book. He deserves to win, after you see his inner turmoil over everything going on.

Zeke, Tara, and Jack are all fantastic as characters as well. Zeke is adorkable, Tara is kick-ass, and Jack is - well, I spent most of the book HATING Jack, but he's a symptom of a larger problem, and well he is an asshole, he's not a complete one.

Also, FUCK YEAH ACE HERO! As an asexual, I'm used to not seeing myself in media. Having such a kickass aroace character was AMAZING, and she made me so happy. I've already started doodling some of her fantastic outfits.

The plot was fascinating. It started with this 'big corp v little guy over profits' idea, and it carries it through, but there is so much more to it than that. It touches on the effect of AI in Hollywood/creative endeavors, on how authors don't always own their characters in the same way after they've been franchised, on how important tech privacy is in a world where we just let cell phone towers do what they want. The horror characters are great - they're terrifying, lurking in the shadows, waiting to spring out at the most inopportune time - but they're a small part of the bigger threat - a symptom of the big bad evil guy. They're creative and fascinating and I really, really want to cuddle Black Lamb even if that is a supremely bad idea (as demonstrated by Josiah). Honestly, the Smoker stole the show for me. I loved when he showed up - an amazing character.

At one point in the story, Misha gives a speech. I'm going to be 100% clear here: I cried. I cried because I understood it. I cried because I grew up thinking I was broken, thinking there was something deeply wrong with me, that I was unworthy of love and acceptance, because I didn't feel romantic feelings towards boys. Because I didn't want to date or kiss or have sex. I didn't see characters like me on TV or in movies or in books. Just like Misha, I didn't see myself.

I am so fucking thankful that is changing. I'm so glad that media is going from 'queer coding' to overt 'be gay and slay'. I'm so happy to see the younger generations rising up and replacing the boomers with stories that preach tolerance and love and queer joy. I'm ecstatic that creators are changing entertainment media to include queer characters. I'm so hopeful that in the next few years, I'll be one of them.

Most of all I'm glad I read this book today. I'm glad I saw the post on Tumblr this morning and got it on my Kindle. I'm glad I got to experience the heart-pounding terror Misha went through because he wanted his two characters to kiss. I'm glad I've experienced a whirlwind of emotions in the past few hours as I dove into this experience headfirst.

I'm glad Chuck Tingle wrote this book.

And I'm ecstatic that he's proving Love is Real.

Thank you for another amazing novel, Mr. Tingle.

(And, should Mr. Tingle ever read this: what happened to the people injured on the plane? Did they recover in the end? Did poor seat mate ever finish his crossword?!?!)

[comorbidityqueen]

071024

Understanding the importance of identity has never really occurred to me. When my psychologist told me "am i right to assume you struggle with identity because you had a significant trauma in your formative years of life", i didn't know how to react. I had no idea my brain injury was a trauma, i was never told that, and the relentless bullying and ableism after my stroke at school, whilst in a wheelchair relearning how to walk again only reiterated to me, that my self worth forming at the start of adolescence was nothing short of teaching me to hate myself. So when i spent a decade of my life self harming, using drugs and alcohol, creating trauma by submerging myself in toxic relationships and situations, i never took the time to understand the lack of identity i formed. I was put on medication after medication that changed my brain more and after multiple overdoses, unaliving attempts and psychotic episodes and a bpd diagnosis, i was growing tired of trying to erase something that couldn't be. I tried hard to move into acceptance. I got sober, i focused on my stroke rehabilitation, and i learnt the self love i was so desperately seeking to have when i was younger, and that looked different than i thought. I had to learn to love a version of myself, my now authentic self, that not only was i taught to hate, but something i never anticipated living with. The grief was endless, the process was and still is incredibly difficult, but im learning to love myself regardless of the physical body i live in and the complexity that is being me.

a few days after my last physio session its afternoon. i'm having seizures, im dissociating, zoning out, barely comprehensible. This is what it looks like to rewire my brain.

I learnt how to walk again for the 3rd time in my life at physiotherapy and after i joke with my student physio that only having knives left means eating cereal is hard she demonstrates to me how my walking looks without my new foot drop AFO. After telling her wow that was dramatic and laughing with her i realise that in fact how i learnt (or adapted to walking) was not correct, and it's caused quite a lot of dysfunction in my hip, knee, heel and toes. So after coming up with the HKHT acronym and also laughing about that i spend almost an hour and half learning how to walk again. I think to myself at the time oh this is nice i wont be in pain the next day from doing the reformer or weights yet that afternoon i had never been so cognitively and mentally fatigued in my life. I had disordered speech, i could barely walk and i couldn't even concentrate enough to wind down and sleep or play animal crossing. I had seizures, and i couldn't leave my bed.

When i had an assessment for a new therapy program the next week the psychiatrist told me it was okay to be different and i replied with "is it", because despite the days where i feel like i have purpose in this world i have plenty more of feeling like i'm tired of fighting. He re-diagnosed me with bpd and told me see a neuropsychiatrist to help me navigate the correlation between my brain injury and psychiatric symptoms.

The week that followed i had some of the worst mental health episodes and when i realise the link between my brain injury and my mental health, i spend every waking moment focusing on not relapsing and staying alive. I go to AA, and visit the urgent mental health care centre, i spend time feeling safe in my partners arms. someone i never anticipated meeting yet after all the years of me feeling like people's safe house, i'm very grateful to have found the person that makes me feel safe, and at home.

I wake up in fight or flight over the next two weeks, start group therapy and go to AA, as well as spending time with my partner. I go to a brain injury SA social event, and work hard on processing trauma in a healthy way in sobriety. Sometimes feeling safe is hard yet at the same time i am very grateful to be here.

Here's to hoping the pain eases.

[niennandil-me-writes]

the red means i love you

CN gore, romanticized violence, dismemberment, death

[I could pretend that this is two kiss prompts (2, 24) rolled into one, but no, this is just self-indulgence. Qin belongs to @noxachi, who at this point could sue me for stealing their OC that often (your honor, I love them)]

"Break the skin 'Cause I can't tell where your body ends and mine begins Tear the flesh I woke today feeling like some kind of masochist"

Armchair Cynics - Bang

At some point it was getting ridiculous. They were both covered in Qin's blood, completely drenched in it to the point that there was barely anything on them that wasn't red, just eyes staring at each other from bloody piles that were barely distinguishable with how entwined they were in each other.

Teo didn't know which round they were on - he had given up on keeping up his count a long time ago, there were much more important things to focus on, like the feeling of their skin and the flesh beneath, their cries and moans of pain, their lips on his.

He couldn't remember if Qin had been wearing clothes at the beginning of this, but if they had, he'd cut or ripped them off long ago.

"Again, honey", they muttered against his neck. "Kill me again."

"I can't exactly get to you with Dex like this", Teo said, chuckling. He tried to wedge the axe into the non-existent space between them to demonstrate.

"I'm sure you'll find a way, babe", they teased, tightening their hold on him. The tip of their tail brushed over his back. They placed kisses on his neck, then moved up to his jawline. Sloppy, wet kisses.

"You look so good covered in my blood", they said, pulling away for only a moment, then kissed him again. "You look so fucking cute." Even more kisses, now on his cheeks. “My cute, brutal, wonderful, fucked up boyfriend.” They kept littering his face with kisses, and for a while he let them, until he couldn't hold back anymore. His left hand grabbed their horn, roughly pulling them away. They looked at him through half-lidded eyes, biting their lip in a smirk. 

He placed a quick but violent kiss on their lips, yanking their head, while he gently placed Dex on the ground. His right hand free now, he grabbed Qin's hip and pushed them down. He was lying on top of them now, grinning at them. He held their head in place by grasping their horn, looked them over again, his eyes wandering over their bloody scarred form.

They started squirming, but not out of discomfort. He had given them exactly what they had wanted, and they both knew it.

“I think you’re really beautiful as well”, he said. His nails dug into their side as he held them down.

He knew they were turning red under all the blood. “Stop being so sappy.”

“I love seeing you like this”, he continued, and pulled their head up now, forcing them to look at him. They didn’t resist. “So beautiful, so pretty. I could just stare at you for hours.”

They wrapped their legs around his waist, their arms around his upper body, holding him close yet again, but in a way that didn’t restrict his movement too much. “Isn’t there something you’d rather do to me, sweetheart?” They whipped their tail at him, touching his arm.

Within a second, Dex was in his hand and went down on Qin in a brutal swipe, cutting the tail off them. Their scream was more of a moan, and then faded into a chuckle: “thought so…”

He looked down at them, still all wrapped around him. “Do I have to chop off your arms as well so I have some space to cut you up?”, he asked, smiling.

“Better safe than sorry, I’d say”, Qin grinned back. “You could also hold them above my head, but I’ll definitely not keep them there myself.”

He let go of their horn and grabbed their left wrist. They didn’t resist, as he pinned their arm on the ground over their head.

“Unfortunately, I need my hands for other things”, he said, just before he brought Dex down in another quick motion, separating their arm at the shoulder. Qin screamed out. Their legs wrapped around him even more tightly. Blood was pouring out of the stump like a red river, adding to the already vast blood pool around them.

Teo let Dex rest at their shoulder. When Qin opened their eyes again, they were glassy, and their breathing was heavy. A weak but mischievous grin spread on their lips again. They turned their head left, towards the axe head, and placed a small, fleeting kiss on the steel covered in their own blood.

If it had been possible, Teo would have loved Qin even more in that moment. Groaning, he put his hand to their horn again, yanking their head back, so he could kiss them, hungrily and violently. They responded in kind. He brought Dex closer again, moved the blade into the kiss, cutting both of them, then sucked up the blood drawn from Qin’s lips. Qin laid their right hand to Dex’ grip.

Teo pulled away just enough to ask: “You want to have a go with him?” He loosened his grip on the handle a bit.

“No, I’d rather see what you do to me”, Qin muttered, laying their hand over Teo’s and making him grip tighter again, pulling the axe closer. “But if you want, I can cut you up later, when I have both my arms back.” They grinned. “You didn’t really think that one through, huh?”

“Well, I would have let you keep your arm if you’d just have moved it out of the way.”

They both laughed at that, the thought of Teo ever not hurting them was ridiculous.

“But I like holding you too much for that, sweetheart.” They placed more sloppy kisses on his face and he was very aware now that they were grinding against his midst. “You and Dex both.” They slid their fingers up and down the axe’s haft in a motion that even Teo recognized as suggestive. “I love what you do to me with him.”

Teo exhaled sharply. They knew exactly what their words, their actions, were doing with him. He didn’t want to pull away farther, so he just slid Dex over Qin’s chest, slicing into them from the side. He left the blade in the wound and then followed it with his fingers.

They screamed, arching their back, pushing their body into him, into his fingers penetrating their wound. He held them fixed in place by the horn, pushed them down by pressing the axe handle down on them, which also made the blade go deeper.

When they had calmed down a bit, he moved his fingers deeper into the cut. His left hand wandered down their horn into their hair, and then he stopped himself. Qin stared up at him, face all red, and he couldn’t tell if the convulsion of their features came from the pain that they wanted, or if there was something else.

“Is that okay?”, he whispered, brushing a finger over their blood-drenched hair.

They hesitated for a moment, then gave the slightest nod. He grabbed into their hair then, combing through it. He loved the way their curls felt between his fingers, even now that they were all wet and sticky and matted together from their blood. Maybe he liked it even more like this. He leaned down to place soft kisses on their face. His other hand moved through their flesh, his touch tender and violent at once.

When Qin spoke up through the kisses, they sounded almost shy: “Can you… can you tell me again how much you love me?” They were biting their lip now, averting their eyes, self-conscious about the plea already.

He just smiled at them, and then placed a kiss on their forehead. “I love you so much, Qin. More than I ever thought I was capable of.” He kissed their nose. “I love what you let me do to you.” He tangled his fingers in their hair and kissed their cheek. “I love the way you enjoy the pain I give you, the way you lean into it.” Dragging his fingers through their soft flesh, he kissed along their jawline. “You are so wonderful, and I love you more than I could ever say.” He was kissing their ear now, mumbling more love confessions into it.

Qin sighed, their body fully relaxing into him, like they were melting. Teo was completely sure they were blushing now, and he intended to keep them in that state.

“I love everything about you. I love seeing you in pain, I love how you allow me to do this, I love that you ask me to do this. I love the way you feel when I cut you open, I just want to slip inside you and feel you all around me. I love you so much I can’t stop killing you. I love the way your blood tastes when I kiss you. I love how you make me smile. I love your voice, I love your screams and your laugh and I love hearing you talk.”

“You know there are ways you could make me shut up, if you wanted to, babygirl”, they mumbled back, smirking to hide their awkwardness.

Teo chuckled. “Nah, don’t want to do that most times. Like I said, I like hearing you scream and talk.” He pushed Dex deeper inside them. Bones cracked under the blade. Before Qin could react, he kissed them on the lips, swallowing their scream before it could escape, one of the only two ways he ever wanted to silence them.

They immediately kissed back, even as their body was shaken by whimpers of pain, a love confession in its own right. They pushed their tongue into his mouth, like he pushed his fingers deeper inside their wound. It was a hungry, violent, demanding kiss, on both sides, one that neither of them really wanted to break apart. Qin’s hand found its way into Teo’s hair as well, yanking at it as they tried to get a different angle to the kiss. They could have stayed like this forever if Qin hadn’t been bleeding out under him. They didn’t even break away from him, as they mumbled into his mouth: “I want you to kiss me somewhere else, honey. You know, like back then.” They grasped the wrist of his left hand that was still half holding Dex and half sunken into their chest. “You’re so close already.”

He nodded softly, sucking on their lips one more time before sitting up. He took Dex in both hands and widened the cut, breaking away bones that were in the way.

He knew that Qin’s heart had stopped beating a long time ago, just like his own. Still, as he laid it open, he thought he could feel a pulsing under his fingers for just a moment, and, adrenaline from the violence washing through his body, he imagined his own heart beating along with it, at the exact same rhythm. And maybe that wasn’t so wrong. After all, if both of their hearts had stopped, that still meant they were beating as one.

He leaned down to their exposed heart, one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. He laid his arms around their waist and mutilated shoulder, caressing them and pulling them closer. He knew they would die any moment now. “I love you”, he said again, and then kissed them on their heart, as Qin sighed one last breath.

[loveisneurotic]

Kaguya-sama Blind Reaction/Analysis: S1E1

Hello everyone, this is my blog which I am currently using to react to and analyze Kaguya-sama: Love Is War much more seriously than I should analyze any romcom.

I have only seen the first episode of the anime, which this post shall explore using far too many words. If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I may read the manga as well.

My analysis will contain spoilers. If you're thinking of watching this show and haven't seen it yet, I recommend you at least go check out the first episode yourself before reading any further. I don't know what the rest of the show is like, but what I've seen so far has been both entertaining and thought-provoking.

I'm going in mostly blind, but not entirely blind. There are a few images of the anime and manga that I have been exposed to, although without the attached context. Due to cultural osmosis and the sheer popularity of this work, perhaps that was almost inevitable.

Figure 1.1.1: Why did this guy write an essay about a single episode of an ongoing romcom?

Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Season 1 Episode 1

I Will Make You Invite Me to a Movie / Kaguya Wants to Be Stopped / Kaguya Wants It

Power dynamics in relationships

Figure 1.1.2: Immediately, the mangaka's tastes become clear.

I heard a saying once that really stuck with me: "The partner who cares the least has all of the power."

In the world of dating, I often sincerely believed this saying. You may yearn for someone's affection, but the other person need not give it to you until they are willing and ready. No matter how much you want it, you can't make someone more interested in you, unless you resort to being roundabout, such as adding some mystery and intrigue to your courtship. But is that excessive?

I once felt a potential lover slipping through my grasp, and before I knew it, I found myself chasing after them. As I was yearning for their attention, I felt as if I'd lost my dignity. It was humiliating. Painful. Was it just that they weren't the right person for me? Or was I not funny enough? Not charismatic enough? Not interesting enough? Too clingy? Too talkative? Should I have been more distant and given them more space? Did I seem too weak? Too eager? How should I have maximized my desirability? Regardless, I had surely lost. Perhaps they wanted the satisfaction and validation of conquering me. Playing me for a fool and asserting their superiority by being so distant. Isn't that right? Or is that just insecurity speaking? At what point is it ideal to cut one's losses and walk away?

If someone desperately wants the object of their affection to desire them, does that make them pathetic? Does it make them a loser? If you show more vulnerability and desire than the other person, does that truly make you the weak one in a relationship?

These questions plague our two protagonists and seem to be a driving force behind the main conflict. Since I have also grappled with how much to reveal my own feelings of desire, I find Kaguya-sama: Love Is War to be a particularly fascinating show.

Desire without action

Figure 1.1.3: Our protagonists are gifted with impressively high academic intelligence paired with impressively low emotional intelligence.

The show wastes no time in introducing us to our two main protagonists. Kaguya was born into a family of high stature (and says "ara ara" frequently enough to power a small country of weebs), whereas Shirogane is a "commoner" (Kaguya's word, not mine) who worked hard to reach the pinnacle of the student body. Like timid schoolchildren, they're crushing on each other, and yet they refuse to admit it due to their pride. Instead, they focus on getting their "opponent" to confess their love first.

What stuck out to me immediately is how they both have different ideas of what their relationship would be like. Shirogane envisions Kaguya as blushing, shy, and conventionally cute, whereas Kaguya (thankfully) envisions herself taking absolute dominance over Shirogane (which plenty of people should see coming as a character trait after the anime's very first scene). The bad news about this is that their two fantasies are at odds. The good news about this is that the mangaka has fantastic taste -- you can learn a lot about a storyteller based on the characterization of a love interest or lead character of the author's preferred gender.

In the event that the two of them become an actual couple, I wonder how on Earth they'll reach a compromise as to how they'll treat each other. Perhaps they will have to figure that out before they can even get that intimate.

I appreciate that we get to see both of their perspectives. It hammers home how everyone has a different truth in regards to what they desire and what they experience, and the show does not hold back when it comes to showing just how different these truths can be -- such as a certain lunch-themed sequence that I will talk about later. This works to great dramatic and comedic effect.

That said, when you spend your time fantasizing about what could happen instead of actually taking action, time is not so friendly to you.

Half a year passes.

Figure 1.1.4: Two geniuses dedicate their pride to wasting their life and energy.

Immediately, I got the impression that whoever wrote this segment of the story knows what they're doing. This is too real. And by "too real", I mean I very much appreciate the realism. How many of us have waited for ages (or for eternity) to confess our feelings to a specific someone?

This is the curse of having a crush and being incapable of acting on it. It's also why I hate having crushes.

Manufacturing affection in others, AKA the extraction of vulnerability

Figure 1.1.5: A plan is devised to weaponize jealousy in the name of affection.

To express your truest feelings means being vulnerable. That implies taking a risk and feeling responsible for any potential consequences of rejection, as well as putting our dignity on the line. It would be so much easier for the object of our affection to make themselves vulnerable instead. So instead of being direct and honest, we act indirect. We drop hints. We act suggestively, but not explicitly. We may even place them in situations where we think they are more likely to confess. If they don't pick up on it, we can pretend we didn't mean anything by it. That way, we don't have to risk our dignity. We can just wait for them to make the move.

It sucks.

Incidentally, it sucks even more when both you and your love interest are thinking that way.

It sucks infinitely more when both you and your love interest are COMMITTED to thinking that way.

Someone has to break the deadlock, whether that's immediately or eventually.

If this show isn't one of those romcoms where the status quo never changes ever (judging by the quality of writing, I have faith that it isn't), then at some point, either Shirogane or Kaguya is going to have to be explicit about how they really feel. And it's going to feel scarier to them than anything else they've ever done.

It's gonna be great.

If we could all grow up and live in environments where it's safe and encouraged for all of us to be honest about how we feel and what we want, surely love would be much less painful for so many people.

Chaos theory

Figure 1.1.6: If your prospective lover won't protect you, then your friend definitely will.

Chika is the ideal wild card and agent of chaos in this arena of love.

From a writing perspective, Chika is immensely useful. The mangaka probably could have gotten by without a third character in the mix, but she serves as a catalyst and an unknown element, able to create unpredictability and subversion of expectations. For a comedy-oriented story, this is invaluable.

Blissfully unaware of the mental turmoil that plagues our two lovesick dorks, she is able to unintentionally invalidate whatever schemes that Kaguya or Shirogane spent so much mental energy on, which adds extra comedy and tension for the audience. She is also an effective vehicle for Kaguya's jealousy and projection, as seen in the lunchbox scene which I have so graciously foreshadowed.

Figure 1.1.7: We have confirmed visual on an unidentified fourth person. Chekhov would love this. From their posture, I wonder if they'll be a gloomy character?

Misunderstandings and assumptions

I've heard that most interpersonal conflicts in life emerge from misunderstandings. In the absence of communication, assumptions are born and give rise to misunderstandings.

You may know where I'm going with this. Let's talk about the lunchbox sequence.

Figure 1.1.8 (not pictured because tumblr wishes to deny me of my image spam): Kaguya is too prideful to admit she thinks that a couple is doing something cute.

Figure 1.1.9: Pride is considered a sin for a reason.

From a writing perspective, I was impressed by the lack of romantic intentions in Shirogane in this whole sequence. Not once did he try to get Kaguya to show vulnerability to him. Instead, Kaguya is the only one spinning the situation in a romantic way, while Shirogane's driving force is the misunderstanding that Kaguya is looking down on him for what he eats. Because of this misunderstanding, Shirogane doubles down and makes his food even better, making the situation even more complicated and more stressful for Kaguya. This was definitely my favorite comedy sequence from the first episode.

I appreciate that the show has demonstrated the ability to create these scenarios where one of the characters doesn't even have love on their mind, but there are still romantic thoughts coming from the other character which drives the drama. It gives me a lot of faith in the variety this show will have to offer, and makes me excited to watch more.

When it comes to comedy rooted in misunderstandings, it is important to have miscommunication or lack of communication. In order to resolve a misunderstanding, you need to talk about it. For a pairing as dysfunctional as Kaguya and Shirogane, expecting healthy communication sounds highly unreasonable, which makes them prime material for a whole world of misunderstandings.

Misunderstandings are rooted in assumptions about what the other person meant when they said something or made a certain gesture or expression. When Kaguya glared at Shirogane and his food, he didn't even think to ask "What's the matter?" He just made an assumption about how she felt. I wonder if trying to understand Kaguya's feelings would be considered a sign of weakness by Shirogane?

A prerequisite to initiating an emotional conversation is the desire to understand or be understood by the other person -- assuming that your assumptions haven't already built a narrative for you. It is far easier to make assumptions than it is to attempt any sort of understanding.

In the end, Shirogane fled, unwilling to confront or attempt to understand the intense and passive-aggressive Kaguya. Kaguya feels that she cannot directly ask to try his lunch, so perhaps this is the closest she can get to initiating such a conversation with him at this time. Despite their mind games where they imagine the reactions of their opponent, they still have a lot of difficulty understanding each other.

I am curious to see if this prospective couple's communication skills and emotional intelligence will improve over the course of the story.

The burden of potential romance

Figure 1.1.10: Even the infallible genius Kaguya succumbs to superficial jealousy. It's "mind over matter" versus "matter over mind". That's how the saying goes, right?

Chika is a free spirit, able to ask Shirogane for whatever she wants without being neurotic. That is the power of not being bounded by a crush. Kaguya, who lacks that degree of freedom, briefly loathes her for experiencing something that Kaguya cannot ask for. It's amazing how much someone's feelings for a friend can change without a single word being spoken between them. All it takes is an action, unintentional or not, combined with the raw strength of insecurity. Just as quickly, the status quo can return back to normal too, with the act of properly making up.

To Chika, asking for food from someone doesn't mean anything at all, whereas with Kaguya, it is an admission of defeat. In that sense, a relationship that will only ever be platonic brings peace of mind, whereas a relationship that can be potentially romantic brings leagues upon leagues of anxiety if the outcome is of great concern.

Love is neurotic.

Is love worth the pain? For some people, it is not. For others, the reward is immense -- but only if you can make sure your relationship with this person doesn't end up being a nightmare for your emotional health.

Love and self-identity

The final scene of the episode surprised me in a good way. It's a brief departure from the comedy, and reveals a more heartfelt side of the show.

Kaguya's servant asks her an insightful question. It is substantially more insightful than I would expect from any romcom: "If you fell in love some day, would you wait for that person to confess their love, like now? Or would you confess your love?" I found myself immediately curious to hear Kaguya's answer, since I knew it would be highly informative about her character.

"If that time comes, I would consider the risk of someone stealing him first and come to the one rational conclusion." Even in the realm of love, Kaguya seems precise and calculating. It's as if she hesitates to give a straight answer, but then she confirms: "Of course I would go."

Figure 1.1.11: "Please understand."

It is not embarrassment or rejection that Kaguya fears; it is the absolute destruction of her identity and sense of self. Kaguya is the daughter of a family that practically runs the country. In her mind, everyone yearns for her and wishes to serve her. Turning that around and reaching out to another person to express her own desire would be a direct contradiction of that. It is probably a similar situation for Shirogane, where the infallible self-image he has built up is being put at risk during his romantic duels against Kaguya.

Kaguya clearly feels trapped. She and Shirogane see each other as threats to be conquered, but in reality, they both share a mutual enemy that is much more imposing and insidious: their own simultaneous disgust at the idea of vulnerability.

Their freedom is dominated by their insecurities, and so, even despite their impressive stature, they are still very human. Their upbringing that has lead them to become so accomplished may be more of a curse than a blessing, due to the resulting pride and self-image they likely feel pressured to uphold.

It is hard to cast aside a lie that you have bought into for your whole life.

If our two protagonists wish to have a chance of establishing a healthy romantic relationship, they have a lot of their own demons to overcome first. If they cannot set aside their pride and reach mutual understanding, they have no hope.

Until then, they will both remain trapped in a hell of their own design, however tragically comedic it may be.

My hopes for this story's future

I can tell that the mangaka, unlike far too many writers all over the world, actually seems to have a solid understanding of romance and the conflict that arises within. I've watched too many anime that place huge focus on the "will they or won't they" crap which never runs any deeper than one or both of the characters being too embarrassed to just say what they're thinking, without any sort of convincing mental blocker. In that case, it's clearly just manufactured drama which is designed to pad out the story and waste your time rather than pose interesting questions and themes. In the case of Kaguya and Shirogane, the two of them have substantial communication issues which are depicted in a comedic yet mature way, which I have found engaging.

I very much hope that the show will more deeply explore the themes and questions surrounding the ideas of vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and superiority within relationships. Kaguya and Shirogane have been set up to be great vehicles for such exploration, and I hope the mangaka can capitalize on that, especially if our protagonists can confront these issues directly.

My impression is that the ending will make or break this story. If the mangaka can pull it off well, I can already believe the payoff will be hugely satisfying.

Of course, in order to get to that point, we'll have to see a certain something. It has to do with the most sacred word amongst romcom enthusiasts: "progress". Indeed, after spending chapters upon chapters watching two characters bumble around amidst the same exact status quo, those little signs of advancements in a relationship are highly rewarding.

Underneath all of their aggression, if we can see Kaguya and Shirogane slowly open up to each other and realize the benefits of vulnerability, I think we could witness something really beautiful and really emotionally cathartic.

I've still only seen one episode, but I believe the mangaka has laid a fantastic groundwork for a series and can do a great job developing upon what I've seen so far. On that note, I will surpass our prideful protagonists by opening my heart to this story and entrusting it with my vulnerability, believing it can deliver satisfying development and resolution. You can do it!

Closing thoughts

I did not expect to write so much about a single episode of an ANIME of all things, but here we are. If only I could conjure this kind of power back when I actually needed it in high school English class!

The first episode alone is already so rich with characterization and themes that I managed to find quite a lot to talk about. Given how much I found myself relating to the characters and some of their situations, it's clear to me how this show became so popular. Not only are the animation, direction, and writing excellent, but also many people can probably relate to love feeling like a battlefield.

I do not want to believe in the idea of winners and losers in relationships. That idea creeps into my head whenever I'm having trouble keeping the interest of a new date, and I find myself wondering where those thoughts even come from. Lately, I have been reflecting on the way I relate to other people. Perhaps I've started experiencing this show at a time in my life when I most needed it, and that's why I felt driven to write such a large analysis.

This show poses some very interesting questions about romance that I do not actually know the answer to at the time of writing. I do not know yet how much the show is actually going to explore these themes. Regardless, I appreciate how this show is helping me reflect, and I am curious to see if and how the mangaka will answer some of the questions brought about by the story's themes.

This is a show that I'll most likely have to pace myself with. There was so much to process in this first episode alone. If I went any faster, I'm not sure if I'd even catch all of the details and character moments. I'm excited to move onto the second episode soon.

A highly subjective footnote about my cultured tastes

I'm glad that Kaguya is a sadistic dom with a gentle and vulnerable side, solely on the basis of that being my favorite personality type in a love interest. It also helps that it makes Kaguya's fantasies that much funnier with Shirogane acting so out of character. I feel like this show was made for me.

What was I writing about again? Oh yeah, writing a gigantic wall of text about an anime romcom. Somehow, I spent an entire day on this essay. Hopefully someone got a kick out of it.

[elysianslove]

I wanted to ask to make sure I didn't make you uncomfortable! This turned out really long and all over the place 😭. You obv don't have to read it, since I just needed someone to talk to, bc I am very bad at expressing my feelings :'.

SoI took an important exam a few ago, and I heard some ppl got there results, so I went to go check if I got mine, and I did! But they were disappointing and not what I was expecting, bc the exam felt pretty easy. And so I was quite sad :(. And then I told my sister and she also got her results. But what made em really upset was that she got a higher mark compared to mine. And it's not that I was jealous or smn no i was very happy for her and im so proud of her! But when you keep getting lower than someone no matter how much you try, and how hard you work it makes you really upset. Especially if they didn't put in nearly as much as half the work you did.

I was just really disappointed in myself and it kinda made me question what I was doing wrong. Bc no matter how much work I put in, I still wasn't able to get close to the amount she did, even though I worked hard. It kinda made me think back about what i could've changed. And I feel like I am the problem. That I'm just dumber, or slower, or stupider. It really sucks to be thinking like that, but when it's not the first, or second, or third time it's happped, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

And I only have one chance left for this exam which doesn't help :/. I also opened the results at the wrong time. Bc after I opened them i started crying (and I still am). An I opened them right before my final 😭 don't do that. Don't ever do that 😭

Self-deprecation isn't nice but sometimes you can't help but think that you're the problem when no matter what you do, or try to change,, you feel stuck and nothing changes. *sigh* I couldn't even sleep this morning or last nigh,, today is just not it

Thabk you for letting me rant! I seriously needed that!

hey lovely! i’m sorry i only just saw this but :( i’m so sorry that you’ve been led to think of yourself that way :( (had to put a read more cause this got long haha) 

 i promise that although something like one exam seems detrimental and catastrophic right now, but trust me, in the long run, it’s big results and achievements that matter. not to say that little successes shouldn’t be celebrated, because they absolutely should, but failures should never, ever put you down. i sound hypocritical because god knows i beat myself up for days when a bad exam happens, but honestly, i try to remind myself, it’s already happened. i did my best, and i did all i could, and this is the result. it’s not the best, it’s not me, but it happened, and i can’t change it. all i can do is aim for better on the next exam. 

i know it seems like all your chances have vanished, but i promise they haven’t. newer and maybe even better chances will arrive. and you’ll do amazing. 

take your study habits, and look through them. could there be something you’re doing that might not be 100% efficient? maybe you’re not studying in a way that best helps you. like for example, a lot of people are visual learners, so they require notes, watching videos, seeing things demonstrated, for them to fully understand. while some are auditory learners. there are so many different types to it. maybe try figuring that out first! it might help enhance studying. 

also i trust that you are proud of your sister, but comparing yourself to her will only make you feel worse. compare yourself to yourself. take a time where you’ve done really well, and analyze why. did your study methods differ, did you just understand the material more, did you get enough sleep the night before, etc. 

and i promise you, one bad day does not determine whether you’re meant to be happy or not. i’m really sorry it was bad for you, but i hope and pray that tomorrow’s better, or the day after, or the day after and then all the days after that. you’re going to be okay, i promise. everything will be fine, and you’re perfect the way you are, with your grades and everything. so long as you continue to do your absolute best, everything will soon fix itself, and you’ll be where you’re meant to be.

just trust in yourself, and in your capabilities. you’ll end up where you’re meant to end up, and hopefully that’s somewhere you want, and somewhere you deserve. i love you loads! and you can come to me at any time you need! mwah <3

[officialdjuk]

What if T.O.M Reviews Castlevania II: Simon's Quest?

T.O.M: This game sucks.

T.O.M: Castlevania 1 and 3 are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight. At first, it seems like a pretty decent game, a little different from the first in the series but, that's okay. Zelda 2 was different from the first, Mario 2 was different, but they were all good.

T.O.M: The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that you have to go through towns, talk to people and buy stuff. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like an adventure story and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's okay. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to night.

- gameplay of Castlevania II starts -

T.O.M: Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game?

T.O.M: Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.

T.O.M: And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

T.O.M: Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to get down to ground level, I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. But, oops! I shouldn't do that, there might be water down there.

T.O.M: Another thing that's really annoying about this game is the fact that you have to buy weapons and items. I mean, still, that's not uncommon, you know like I said: that's the same thing you have to do in many great games, like Zelda, but, lemme explain.

T.O.M: Here you have to collect hearts, which count as money. I mean, that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as life or energy, y' know, so that's kinda strange. But, y' know that's not the point. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin' expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something, and it gets boring wandering around killing the same monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame Whip or somethin'.

T.O.M: Speaking of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself, isn't it? I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the flame whip.

T.O.M: Anyway, about the hearts: It takes too long to buy stuff, and, to add onto the problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and you have to start all over again. I mean, doing this doesn't add to any of the games' difficulty or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.

T.O.M: Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store.

T.O.M: Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts.

T.O.M: OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

T.O.M: One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls, which are areas where there's, like, stones or blocks that look like you could walk on them, but instead you just fall through. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy Water all over to see where they are. It's retarded. Why should I have to do that? Again, it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y' know, challenge of the game. It's just unfair and it's annoying.

T.O.M: In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a big disappointment. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or a dungeon labyrinth, whatever, there's always supposed to be a big guy who ya fight. But here, they just got lazy and only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the dungeons just empty like this one. So, most of the dungeons you go through (the mansions, to be exact), there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb that you can't touch.

T.O.M: In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this: You fight a boss, you defeat him, then an orb comes down and you touch it, there you go, on to the next level. But in Castlevania 2, how would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb? I mean, when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a weapon, and you throw it, only to find that it does absolutely nothing, and that you waste it by throwing it, so you have to get it all over again.

T.O.M: There are parts in the game that are definitely not self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out. Take this dead end for example: Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? How? You have to kneel down by it for like ten seconds. Now, still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and hidden that we can't figure it out, oh please, give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility before we find out. Okay. Guess what? You need to have a Red Crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.

T.O.M: Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't important at all, so why do you have to read 'em? Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance.

T.O.M: Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?

T.O.M: The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many?

T.O.M: In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid.

T.O.M: Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

T.O.M: I mean, first of all: there's no enemies in Dracula's castle, you just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are just, like, goin' up and down steps, which won't hurt you and they aren't challenging, either. It's just tedious. I mean, what the hell's the point of going through the castle if there's no way to fight? Did the game designers just, like, run out of time or somethin'?

T.O.M: So then, you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything like Dracula, he looks like a grim reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire.

T.O.M: Alright, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy. Check this out. This is a trick I discovered myself and so could you, without the help of any strategy guide. When Dracula first appears, he stands there for a while, and he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits. Not only does he stand there for a long time, but everything that hits him will stun him and give you even more time.

T.O.M: Naturally, you'll probably be using the flames, because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. But, using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible for him to even do anything. He has no chance. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've already won. I mean, why is it that easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?

T.O.M: What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit. I mean, I know it's useless complaining about a game that was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever, but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is. I mean, it's consistently annoying.

T.O.M: Why? Why is it so bad? If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but, history is history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania 3 as, you know, the second in the series, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.

T.O.M: We rate Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, well. all i say is this: This game sucks. Thanks for listening

Only Toonami, on [adult swim]

[thepenguinlad]

This stuff gets a lot easier when you let go of the need to control things. Lesson learned during freshman chemistry lab (with a required lab partner). I wanted to keep an eye on every single thing to make sure it was correct, but realized that not only 1. there was not enough time to double check all her work, but 2. I was being kind of annoying! Now that I'm older, I realize more and more that I fucking *hate* being micromanaged. Having someone just staring over your shoulder can really get to you; it feels like they have no confidence in you, even when you've demonstrated competence. Which just like, really, *really* can make you feel like garbage especially if you're already dealing with self-esteem issues.

This is just coming back to me now as I start in as the Story Guide for Coyote and Crow for the first time - both in this system *and* as a DM. It's fun, but also anxiety inducing as someone who is still getting to know the system. And it doesn't help that I deal with self-esteem bullshit anyway.

But like, as we moved along this module, stuff definitely came up that I didn't expect, and I had to search around and correct myself a lot of the time. It felt kind of embarrassing! And I found myself wanting to exert control over the story because it was playing out differently than I expected.

One thing I think Coyote and Crow does well is emphasize the fact that you're telling a story together with your friends. When they wanted to do something I hadn't anticipated, I had to make a conscious effort to be open to what that would mean for the story, and then figure out how we could do what they wanted. I know it's a very baby DM (Story Guide, here) issue to have. But I think I struck a pretty good balance. Letting that go, acknowledging that some things are not a big deal and consciously processing through them - it feels nice.

I don't know, thoughts of someone who was an emotionally-stunted teenager just now getting a hold of literally understanding what it is I'm feeling. Still haven't had many relationships? I feel like I'm doing all this stuff on like a 10 year delay. It almost doesn't feel that important though, because I'm only able to approach them from a healthy place because I have a good support network, especially my roommates. Idk. People get so cheesy about practicing gratitude and surrounding yourself with good vibes and good people, but tbh that's like half of what helps you actually be happy. And not the fakey happiness either, I'm not talking about continual toxic positivity. It's this kind of contentedness u get from trying your best (even when that doesn't feel like enough), living in line with your values, and respecting yourself solely as a human being, who despite anything else always deserves to be treated with basic respect and kindness.

Letting go of these things erodes you.

That erosion isn't your fault. But it's your responsibility now - not to anyone else, but to yourself.

Of your eroding riverbank, flowing through your life, where will you plant willows and grasses to create and maintain the banks which define you? At what point do you say "no more"?

And the thing is, you're none the lesser for it. Sure, you'll never be the same as you were before - but why would you want to be? even if some of the bank eroded, new soil can be deposited. The snowmelt will slow a little, once spring gets a little further on. And then you can assess: what changed, and what can you do about it? What can you heal? What can you only remediate?

Sure, the river will never be the same again - but it doesn't mean you're less beautiful or valuable. Even after the floods, or storms, or clearcutting developers, those around you will still value and appreciate your presence. There will be little helps, from the seeds which get carried on the bottom of shoes and are left to enrich your soil, to the kind people who protest the factory that pollutes upstream. You are an ecosystem in the best way, but that also means you're susceptible to the hurts of your many environmental factors.

I think I lost the plot a little but

Tl;dr: you are a beautiful jungle river; do not let some motherfucker dump toxic waste in your waters.

[padawanlost]

What do you think about the Citadel arc? Specifically, about Anakin and Tarkin's interaction, and Anakin kind of... liking Tarkin's perspective on how war should be handled? I'm asking because I have always felt it quite out of character, I mean yeah no doubt he could agree that the Jedi should not be the ones leading the Republic army because he knows it's a bit hypocritical, but on the rest... I don't think Anakin would get along with him so well? What's your take? :)

I’ll start by being super honest: tcw!Tarkin creeps me out. I don’t even know why. He just does.  And I don’t enjoy his interaction with Anakin (or any other character) because of that. That being said, I don’t think there was anything OOC about his interactions with Anakin. I don’t see them as friends or even friendly. I see it more as a mutual respect type of thing. They are both pragmatics. They have their own agendas but they understand the seriousness of the situation and how ineffective the Jedi are in handling the war.

Also, I think Anakin’s respect for Tarkin involves more than just “he agree with me”. Anakin has always been different from most Jedi. His past (and Palpatine’s “lessons”) made him more critical of the Order and to hear a high ranking official openly criticize the Order probably made him feel like his owns ideas were legitimized.

No one was ever quite that openly anti-Jedi in Anakin’s presence before. All previously criticism came from enemies (Dooku, Ventress, Separatists, etc.) whom Anakin was taught by the Jedi are mad and shouldn’t be heard. Padmé and Palpatine might disagree with the Order’s methods but they are never THAT harsh.  Also, remember that Tarkin didn’t gave the Seps the information and, in Anakin’s book, that makes him a stand-up guy. So, to have his ideas validated by a loyal and sane GAR officer is what made him more open to Tarkin as a person.

We need to acknowledge the bias against certain characters and their criticism of the Jedi. we see characters like Dooku, Ventress, Tarkin and Barriss saying, pretty straightforwardly, what’s wrong with the Jedi and why they are losing and yet the Jedi (and most of the audience) dismiss those claims because of who is saying them.

The thing is, and it hurts me to say it, Tarkin was right (damn, this is something I never thought I would say). Let’s take a look at their interactions and see why Tarkin and Anakin were right and why they ended up respecting each other. 

Tarkin: I reserve my trust for those who take action, general Skywalker.Anakin: Then let me remind you, we rescued you back there. And I reserve my trust for those who understand gratitude, Captain Tarkin. [TCW 03x18]

Here it’s established their differences (and why they will never be real friends). Tarkin is contemptuous. He does not trust the Jedi and their ability to act the way he judges to be right one. Only the actions Tarkin deems right truly matter. Anakin, on the other hands, admires loyalty, friendly, humility. He may not agree with the Order but he doesn’t dismiss it. they are both practical men, willing to do what’s necessary to end the war, but their motivations will always keep them at odds.

Tarkin: I am concerned that the jedi have elected this child to lead the group. Rex: I’ve served with her many times, and I trust her, captain. [TCW 03x19]

Here’s a truth bomb that no one wants to acknowledge. Tarkin and Anakin were the only ones concerned by the fact a teenager girl was involved in a war. Again, they were worried about Ahsoka’s presence there for very different reasons but we can’t deny the Jedi’s treatment of children played a part in their downfall (especially this child). Anakin, like Tarkin, is aware that this is wrong. I don’t think they both discuss this particular subject on screen but Tarkin makes it pretty obvious that he’s not pleased with the situation (Ahsoka being there) and the Arc focus a lot on Anakin’s protecting Ahsoka so I like to see as a nice parallel there.

Tarkin: This ordeal only demonstrates how effective facilities like The Citadel are. Pity it ended up in separatist hands and not ours.Anakin: He has a point. [TCW 03x19]

I think this is the first time they openly agree on something. It shows how far they are both willing to go to achieve their ends. We (the audience) know what their ends are, however, they don’t. It’s important to remember that while we know what kind of man Tarkin, Anakin doesn’t. Anakin sees Tarkin as a respectable GAR office who wants to save the Republic and nothing else. He had no way of knowing the kind of horrors Tarkin would commit if he ever get his hands in a place like the Citadel. And Tarkin has no way of knowing Anakin is against imprisoning enemies without trial in secret prisons.

As I said before, their agreement is superficial. They agree the ends justify the means but they completely disagree on the ends and the means.

Tarkin: You may have earned my trust, general Skywalker, but my faith in your comrades is still lacking.Anakin: You lack faith in the jedi.Tarkin I find their tactics ineffective. The jedi code prevents them from going far enough to achieve victory, to do whatever it takes to win, the very reason why peacekeepers should not be leading a war. Have I offended you?Anakin:  No. I’ve also found that we sometimes fall short of victory because of our methods.Well, I see we agree on something. [TCW 03x19]

Again, superficial agreement. Tarkin’s secret solution is mass murder, torture and genocide. Anakin’s secret solution is for the Jedi to get more involved, fight corruption, teach communities how to protect themselves, etc. But since they don’t know that, thye believe they are on the same page. And for Anakin, to hear this sort of Jedi criticism from a “reliable” source validates his ideas and makes Tarkin seem like an intelligent and mindful officer.

Ahsoka: Why did master Piell have to share half the intel with that guy? It’s like he’s not even grateful we rescued him.Anakin: Captain Tarkin feels the jedi should be relieved from the burden of leading the war effort.Ahsoka: That’s ridiculous.Anakin: Maybe, but we aren’t soldiers. We’re peacekeepers. The jedi code often prevents us from going far enough to achieve victory.Obi-wan: A rather simple point of view.Anakin: Either way, he is a good captain. [TCW 03x19]

This right here is exactly why Anakin listens to Tarkin. Every time Anakin criticizes the Order this happens. His thoughts are dismissed. The Jedi, being peacekeepers, shouldn’t be involved in war? that’s ridiculous! Now remember that Anakin spent 10 years of his life being told the Jedi couldn’t help his mother and fight slavery because their are peacekeepers and not law enforcers. THAT’s ridiculous. Anakin knows first hand the hypocrisy of the Jedi Council and every time he tries to point it out he’s dismissed. And suddenly, this officer appears and he’s saying all these things Anakin always tried to say, so, of course, Anakin will listen to him. That’s exactly how Palpatine got to him the first place. By pointing out all the wrongs Anakin already knew existed and acknowledging them.

Anakin, like everyone else, wants to have his feelings and ideas acknowledged. Here’s an exemple: Anakin wants people to acknowledge that slavery is an issue because the Republic doesn’t care about slaves. The Jedi tell him it’s not their problem and there’s nothing they can do about it. Palpatine tells him it’s a problem, the corrupt senate is the reason why and that he’ll try do to something about it. Which opinion will Anakin deem more sensible? Of course, he’ll respect the one that acknowledge his suffering.

If the Jedi were more willing to discuss “uncomfortable subjects” and teach their students to think for themselves Anakin would’ve never been in this situation. He ends up gravitating towards guys like Palpatine and Tarkin because they are the only ones to seem to recognize the problems he knows exist.

Tarkin: I’ve fallen into favor with the chancellor.He shall support me.Anakin: Oh, I happen to know the chancellor quite well, myself. [TCW 03x20]

This was the nail in the coffin. If Palpatine respects and listens to this guy so why shouldn’t Anakin?

Tarkin: I wish more Jedi had your military sensibilities. Perhaps I can inform the chancellor of your valor.Obi-wan: I’m not sure what to think of your new ally.Anakin: Well, I think we need people like him. This is a war. If we aren’t willing to do what it takes to win, we risk losing everything we try to protect.Obi-wan: Unfortunately, war tends to distort our point of view. If we sacrifice our code, even for victory, we may lose that which is most important: Our honor. [TCW 03x20]

I love Obi-wan with all my heart but this is exactly why they failed. They already sacrificed their code. They did long before the war started. And even if they hadn’t, they sacrificed when they, the peacekeepers, accepted to fight the war. The Jedi are not worried about honor or their code. They were willing to assassinate their enemies (that’s canon btw). Jedi hypocrisy strikes again. This is already way too long so I’ll try to keep it short:

Anakin and Tarkin do not know each. Not really. They agree the Jedi Order is making mistakes and that is it. They have no idea how far the other is willing to go or what they really want. They respect each other’s opinion but they are not friends (because they don’t truly know each other).

I don’t think it’s out of character for Anakin to agree with Tarkin because Anakin has no idea what he is agreeing with. Anakin has criticized the Order’s methods before, so he siding with someone doing the same is natural. Besides, Anakin remained in character by defending Ahsoka’s abilities (and everyone else’s too). Anakin’s only agrees with Tarkin on the political aspects of the Order. He still respects the Jedi abilities to overcome hardship, to save people and get the job done.

[sally-mun]

As someone who hasn't, wouldn't, and won't be experiencing Major/Minor (or whatever it was called) could you perhaps analyze more specifically some of the things you felt were missteps more in depth, so others who decide they might want to make a visual novel or even just a story, might be able to avoid the same issues? I realize this might not be your area of interest, but I'm always interested in these kinds of analyses.

Man, where do I even begin.

I suppose I should start by saying that this game could have been fine; I don’t necessarily hate this game for the story, even if I think it’s uninspired. I play lots of point-and-click games and usually enjoy them (even the stupid ones) so long as they have merit in one area or another. But that’s the core of the problems with Major/Minor: It has NO merit to work with. Its construction shows absolutely no understanding of this genre of game design. Or of writing. Or of entertainment in general. Or of simply respecting one’s audience.

First and foremost, let’s discuss visual novels.

The critical difference between a novel and a visual novel is interactivity; a novel is a set and done deal that takes its readers along for the ride, whereas a visual novel invites the readers to be part of the ride itself. The direction of the story is influenced by the player, and this allows them to personally take ownership of later events. It’s the sort of game that tries to put you in the role of the protagonist in the most direct form possible. Like other first-person games your view as a player is exactly that of the character you’re playing, but in a VN’s case it’s like reading a comic book in a choose-your-own-adventure format.

Major/Minor not only fails on both the visual and novel elements, but it also fails when combined as a visual novel.

1) Visual

For the most part, visual novels don’t have a lot of action. They primarily consist of conversations with NPCs and usually take place in static locations. For this reason, both the characters and the environments need to have a lot of personality. Players need to feel like they’re actually having conversations with the characters and that they’ve entered a unique location that sees real use. This is the red, meaty center of how VNs engage and gratify their players.

Designing characters in a visual novel is about more than giving each one a different face; it’s about giving each character enough of a range of actions and emotions to sell the idea that the character is actually interacting with you, and in a way that’s truly unique from every other character. In real life, people do all sorts of crap when speaking: Our expressions change, we gesture with our hands, our posture varies, and sometimes we even have small ticks associated with certain topics or emotions. Between these visual cues and the actual discussions themselves, players ought to know the NPCs well enough to be able to describe them like real-life friends by the end of the game.

This brings us to Major/Minor’s first serious offense: Every character has one face. Typically in a VN, each character has a minimum of half a dozen expressions, poses, and gestures/ticks to match the different emotions they’ll need to exhibit over the course of their conversation topics. The characters in Major/Minor can only make a single expression and pose throughout the entire game, which immediately leads to some seriously disjointed discussions. It’s hard for me to take a character seriously when they say they’re angry with me when the art staring through the computer screen is bright, cheerful, and apparently mid-laugh. Sorry, NPC #672, I really don’t care that you’re allegedly on the brink of tears, because your singular piece of character art is so smarmy and mischievous that I forgot you were trying to tell me something tragic.

What makes this even more annoying is that most of the characters DO have a secondary piece of art, but it’s only ever used ONE time as an introduction to a new character before the game chucks it in the bin and we never see it again. Each character COULD have had at least two expressions if the dev had planned his commissions carefully enough, buuut instead he chose to get two shots that are barely distinguishable from one another so there could be a ~=*FLOURISH*=~ when we see someone for the first time. Granted, two per character still isn’t anywhere near enough, but it’s a hell of a lot better than just one! It makes me wonder why he bothered to spend the money on a second image for each character at all, since half of these commissions only get about 10 seconds of screen time. What a waste.

And hey, speaking of wasted opportunities, let’s talk more about the environments! Lots of visual novels don’t spend much energy on their backgrounds, and although that’s usually fine (albeit not my first preference), Major/Minor seriously needed to think more about its settings. For the moment I’ll ignore the laziness of the fact that the backgrounds are generic photos with a blur filter over them; what’s more important is that this game loves to tell us all kinds of random crap about the rooms we’re in, especially during the scenes that take place in Japan. This game would’ve benefited dearly from simply having more detailed backgrounds and just letting us observe the goings on of the room on our own. Y’know, because that makes it more... visual.

Honestly, if it were me, I would’ve taken it all a step further and gone full-blown Ace Attorney on the environments. In AA games, investigating the scene is very important because you have to look for clues. I’m not saying Major/Minor needed to let you hunt for items, but I do think that it could’ve cut a ton of random information from the text by simply letting us inspect the backgrounds. That way the players that want to know what a kotatsu is can find out on their own time and players that already know or don’t care can move on.

Something else that would’ve brought the game a much-needed boost of interest is cut scenes. As noted earlier, visual novels don’t tend to have a lot of action, so when something physical DOES happen, it makes an impact. One way to maximize that flash of excitement is with a cut scene – or at least, the visual novel equivalent of one. A “cut scene” in a VN isn’t typically a full motion video like most video games boast; it still makes use of a static image, but it’s an image whose quality far surpasses that of the rest of the art in the game. Maybe it’s abnormally large and the camera slowly pans across for dramatic effect, or maybe it’s a scene drawn from an interesting angle that isn’t the player’s POV. Some games take this even farther and really do animate their cut scenes a bit (usually on par with a nice animated gif). Lots of VN cut scenes make use of sound effects or action-specific music cues to keep the player emotionally involved with the scene, as it’s a moment that’s out of the player’s control.

Major/Minor, on the other hand, does none of this. Much like the drought of facial expressions, the game simply pelts you with paragraph after paragraph to tell you about the events taking place around you, rather than simply letting you see for yourself and be, y’know, involved. Even a handful of cut scenes that had some real effort put into them would’ve really given this game some pep. Not only would it have kept me engaged as a player, but it would’ve weeded out even more unnecessary narration.

Oh, and speaking of weeding shit out of the text…

2) Novel

The writing in this game badly, badly needed to be edited. Like, so badly it makes me physically hurt from how poorly this text is constructed. I’m not talking about the simple things like misspellings and failed capitalizations, I mean BIG mistakes, like sentence fragments and improper conjugations and completely misusing some words all together. It’s also excruciatingly repetitive. Never in my life have I ever seen prose that recaps itself so frequently – sometimes literally within minutes of the event that it’s reminding you of. It even recaps itself within the same block of text a few times.

It’s pretty obvious the dev never allowed a seasoned editor to proof the text, but it’s so unbelievably bad that I’m not even sure the dev himself ever gave it a second glance. It reeks of being a first draft that was never once revisited; actually, it strongly reminds me of the sort of stories I myself wrote when I was about 13. At that time I wanted so badly to write big, dramatic stories! Stories that had deep themes and lots of intrigue! With a complicated plot and several subplots!! And lots of characters that would all totally be different and completely matter!!!! But the problem was I was so wrapped up in wanting to make my stories big, impressive epics that I stretched myself way too thin and everything came out incredibly shallow. It’s honestly kind of eerie to think back on the things I wrote as a kid while I play this game. The similarities are so striking that I can’t tell if this is something the dev wrote at that age and just never decided to polish, or if he did write it as an adult but has the writing skill-level of a teenager.

But honestly, I’d overlook all the technical flaws and melodrama this guy could throw at me if he would just show and not tell. “Show, don’t tell” is one of the oldest rules in the book when it comes to storytelling, and for good reason: Telling instead of showing is not only fucking boring, but it treats the reader like an idiot. If a writer knows what they’re doing, they shouldn’t have to tell, because they’d just demonstrate those things instead.

For example, let’s examine another huge flaw with the writing: Incredibly shallow characterizations. Early in the game the player meets a character named Rook. Rook is very rude. I know this because the game tells me. All. The. Time. I legit don’t remember how many times the game has mentioned that Rook is rude at this point. The dev seems completely oblivious to the notion that you don’t have to tell the player these things. You can just… write Rook as being rude. Trust me, my dude, I can figure out if a character is an asshole or not. Not only can Rook’s rudeness be demonstrated by how he treats me as a player, but it can be further reinforced by other characters reacting to him in a put-off manner. If you’re so concerned that I won’t pick up on the fact that Rook is a rude person just based on how he behaves, then you’re doing it wrong, end of discussion.

But then, as I said, the characterizations are shallow in general. Everyone tends to have their one basic trope and the story rests on the idea that you know what the character is. None of the scenes go out of their way to really dig into who someone is – which is kind of amazing, honestly, since the prose is so obsessed with making sure you know the most inane and unrelated shit half the time – and even after I’ve known a character for several chapters they still feel like a cardboard cut-out to me.

To be honest, I’m kind of impressed by the sheer volume of ways that Major/Minor fails at showing instead of telling. It tells you what characters are like instead of just letting you interact with them, it tells you about the places you visit instead of just letting you view them, it tells you every single time the characters have a mood shift or expression change because it couldn’t be bothered to give them each more than one face, and it hamfists unnecessary information into the script where it’s unneeded and interrupts the scene – and THEN, it makes SURE you notice that it’s telling instead of showing by repeating those things over and over and over again!

All of this is further exacerbated, by the way, because the dev has no idea how to tell a story in the first place. Even with all the above flaws, I miiight have still been able to enjoy this game if it was just a compelling narrative in any sense of the word at all. I will happily deal with poor construction and telling-not-showing if the story still has some intrigue. Even a flawed story can have a mind-blowing plot and keep you reading just to find out what happens next, right? I thought so too, until I realized that Major/Minor goes SO far out of its way to spoil its own plot that it frequently makes you sit through scenes that you, the protagonist, are not even present for. Yes, in a game that’s built upon being a first-person experience, the story will slam on the brakes and take you OUT of the protagonist’s shoes to make you sit by as an observer to events that probably would’ve been an great reveal later on had the dev just kept his mouth shut.

3) Visual Novel

So the visuals suck and the writing sucks, but hey, lots of games get by without investing much in those areas. Could Major/Minor pull it together and at least give the player an interesting mechanic? Hahahaha no, of course it didn’t. As far as the gameplay is concerned, Major/Minor is so bad that in many ways I hesitate to even call it a game.

The cornerstone of visual novels is making choices. They can range from serious decisions that determine the overall outcome of the game or small cosmetic details, but either way, the core of this gaming style is putting the player in the driver’s seat as often as possible. When playing Major/Minor, however, the player is strapped into a straight jacket, blindfolded, and tossed into the trunk of the damn car. This game is so reluctant to surrender control of the narrative that it’s not uncommon at all to go through entire sections of the game having made no choices whatsoever. It fails so spectacularly as a visual novel that I’d be willing to bet that the dev had never played one before. He is astonishingly disinterested in what makes a visual novel enjoyable to the player.

There’s a principle in game design called Illusion of Control. The goal of this idea is to allow the player to feel like they’re in charge of the game while actually keeping them within strict boundaries. It applies to a lot of games, but it’s especially important in visual novels. Players need to be able to dictate how the story progresses, even if some of those choices make no real impact on outcomes. For example, players can enter conversation trees with NPCs that seemingly offer a lot of control – perhaps the player chooses the discussion topics, or can decide if they want to be shy or snarky in their replies – and yet at the end of the scene there could realistically be no change to the story’s progress. The greater point is that the player feels like they handled the conversation the way they wanted to. This allows them to still feel like they’ve gotten somewhere and that they accomplished something.

Major/Minor appears to scoff at the very idea of this, like the game’s worried you’ll cramp its style if it gives you too much power.The player is allotted no input whatsoever on how the PC treats the other characters, what subjects to discuss, where they’d like to go, how to react to the actions of other characters… It’s truly mind-blowing just how consistently the game misses opportunities to allow the player even the illusion of control. For example, there’s a scene where the player character (PC) is awakened in the middle of the night by a pounding on the door, and no options are offered on how the player would like to handle this. A better game might allow the player to choose if they want to pretend to keep sleeping, or call out to whomever is knocking, or try escaping out a window, or crack the door open to see what the person wants. Even if it’s an absolute necessity to the plot that this person enters the room, it’s still better to let the player choose, because there are a plethora of ways to redirect each of those options back around toward the character getting in.

Unfortunately, Major/Minor is just too damn lazy to be bothered with gameplay, and the PC just lets the stranger in with no input from the player. Soon after, the stranger attacks the PC, which would again be a prime opportunity for lots of reactionary options: The player could duck! Or the player could punch their assailant! Or maybe they could kick instead! Maybe they’d try to run away or call for help! Buuut no, Major/Minor really doesn’t care what you want YOUR CHARACTER to do, and it’s already decided that you’re going to put up no fight at all and immediately pass out. It’s by far one of the most unsatisfying things I’ve ever experienced in a video game.

The disconnect between the player and the protagonist is so extreme that I honestly don’t feel it’s a fair assessment to refer to the protagonist as the “player character.” It’s not uncommon for visual novel protagonists to speak in the first person, but in most games it feels like the PC is speaking on your behalf because they’re acting according to your will. The protagonist of Major/Minor decides so many things for themself that it stopped feeling like “my” character a very, very long time ago. This character isn’t me and never was; it’s the main character of a book that I didn’t ask to read, who very occasionally pauses to ask my opinion on something.

HEY HOWDY HEY SPEAKING OF PAUSING… If you boot this “game” up for a session, you’d better hope you have plenty of time on your hands to get through it, because you’re at the dev’s mercy for when you can save your progress. Being able to save anytime you want is a staple of visual novels because 1) people read at wildly different paces, and 2) for many people, excessive reading makes them tired. Not only that, but sometimes life just plain gets in the way and you have to pick up and go on short notice. Major/Minor ignores all of these factors and leaves the player relegated to appointed checkpoints throughout the game.

Now, I’m not necessarily saying that checkpoints are inherently bad, but they do need to be used very, very wisely. Any game (VN or otherwise) that doesn’t allow the player to save anytime they want needs to be sure checkpoints are reasonably close from any given location, and furthermore that they’re spaced at regular intervals. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, however, the dev flushed that idea down the toilet along with what was left of his common sense and parents’ love. Sometimes Major/Minor stacks save points practically back-to-back within the span of a few minutes, and in other cases I’ve literally played for over and hour before the game finally rewarded me with the option to save.

There’s no discernible pattern or technique that I can detect for when save points are bestowed on the player; you’re not even guaranteed an opportunity to save when the game switches chapters! I would say that I can’t fathom why the dev thought this would be a good idea, but let’s not kid ourselves here, it’s clear that the dev never thought this through in the first place. If he had, he might’ve noticed that players being uncertain about whether or not they’ll be able to save their progress discourages them from playing at all.

Also, before I fully move on from the game design, I just wanted to make a brief side note about the music. To be honest, I turned the music off a VERY long time ago, so I don’t even remember what it sounds like; however, I’ve read that all of the music in the game is from the free assets you get in RPG Maker. I’ve further read that the free assets (both audio and visual) were the entire reason the dev decided to use RPG Maker for this game in the first place, in spite of the fact that there are other programs out there specifically geared toward making visual novels. This is worth mentioning because it further highlights just how lazy this entire game is. It’s not a sin to use free program assets – that IS what they’re there for, after all – but when you ONLY use the free assets and then advertise your game on Steam for being sooo creative and original, AND have the gall to charge $20 for it?? Yeah, that’s a gigantic slap in the face.

Speaking of Steam, you’d think a game like this would’ve been weeded out by the gaming community for being the garbage that it is, right? After all, there’s a ranking right at the top of the page showing the proportion of good and bad reviews it’s gotten, and right now it says the feedback is “very positive.” I will say that I do take community feedback into consideration when I’m thinking about a game that I haven’t otherwise heard of before, and my misstep with this game has definitely taught me a valuable lesson. When I saw that the game is ranked “very positive” and I scrolled down to see several glowing reviews, I felt that was sufficient enough research to know if the game was worth my time and money.

However, upon trying out the game and realizing just how badly I’d been deceived, I did a little more digging. As it turns out, the dev is known for flagging negative reviews as “abusive” and getting them deleted, allowing him to effectively filter out the bad press so long as he can make some kind of a case to Steam. This debacle has taught me that it’s not enough to scroll to the bottom of a Steam page for user reviews, as those tend to be the most recent; what you do instead is click the “Read all [x] reviews” link, as those reviews are sorted by popularity. THIS is where you’ll find the reviews that the community has deemed the most helpful and informative, and in this case, it’s like night and day. ALL of the highest-ranked reviews of Major/Minor are negative, and the numbers are staggering. Literally HUNDREDS of people have ranked these terrible reviews as helpful, and most of them are in the 80-90% range on agreement. You have to load more reviews four times to find even one single positive post, and once you do start getting into the positives, the upvotes are significantly fewer.

SO, in conclusion...

I want to say that’s about all I have to give on this subject, but the sad truth is it’s not. I could probably critique this game line-by-line, moment-by-moment, if I really wanted to. Fortunately for my sanity, I really don’t want to. … Not right now, anyway. I’m sure I’ll lose it at some point and decide to go through and count all the missed opportunities in the game or something, but I won’t be doing that right now, thankfully.

So in the vein of others learning from the mistakes of this game: If you were thinking about buying Major/Minor, don’t. If you bought it a while ago during a sale and were thinking about starting to play it, don’t. If you’re interested in making a visual novel and wanted to learn from this game’s mistakes… Well granted there’s a lot to learn about what not to do, but still, don’t give this lazy, deceptive dev any more money. Learn from this guy’s shortcomings based on the feedback of players. Hell, read or watch a Let’s Play if you really want to experience it first-hand. Just please don’t buy and play this game. As a favor to ME, please don’t buy and play this game.

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[heavnofhell]

So I'm currently rewatching S5, and one thing that is still bugging me is how the hell did Lucifer know, from the beginning, that Sam's gonna say yes to him in Detroit exactly? I mean he was pretty certain about it the whole time, and all I can think about is some kind of 'prophecy', like the way everyone knew since the start of the Creation that "it's all gonna end with Sam and Dean", as them being the vessels, but it still seems unlikely. Or is it a special bond kinda thing? What do you think?

META TIME. AGAIN. 

This one is something I’ve always been extremely curious about, myself. Lucifer speaks to Sam with such certainty, from the moment they meet, it seems impossible to deny that their fate was some prophesized phenomenon. 

So let’s start there. To me, this ^ little line is Lucifer telling Sam, essentially, “This is exactly how things are meant to be. Any doubts that I had - any fear of my savior being no more than a broken promise - all of that was gone the moment you unlocked the door.” He believes in Sam because Sam has already proven himself. 

And then Lucifer further demonstrates his faith in this “plan” by actually apologizing to Sam for things that haven’t happened yet. 

He already understands that Sam is going to suffer - not because he is Lucifer’s True Vessel, necessarily, but because he knows how the human is going to struggle with this knowledge. He knows because he, too, is struggling. Lucifer doesn’t want this - not really - but he truly believes there is no other choice. I think it’s important to note how absolutely sincere Lucifer is with Sam - how much patience and softness he uses when explaining things to him. His voice is quiet, his mannerisms are slow and predictable, and rather than become frustrated with Sam, he expresses only sorrow. 

He understands that things will take time - he understands that Sam will fight him, because Sam has spent his entire life fighting monsters, and he has been raised to think of Lucifer as the greatest of them all. There is nothing the Archangel can say to change that lifelong belief, and the fear he sees in the eyes of his other half tears him apart. But still - he has faith:

And this??? This line has always, always been one of the most intriguing things Lucifer has ever said, imo. Tell me he doesn’t have a connection to Sam - that he hasn’t been hearing every prayer this human has uttered since the moment he learned to speak. Lucifer knows Sam - he knows exactly how he is going to react, and he knows exactly what kind of emotions he is fighting. More than that, he is telling Sam, in the vaguest way possible, that he believes he is lying to himself. 

Sam is going to say “yes,” and not because Lucifer pushes him into it or threatens him or coerces him, but because Sam ultimately feels the urge to do so. He has always longed for something more - he denied his so-called “path” and he pursued a career in, what else, but justice - the very thing Lucifer is fighting for. He wants everything Lucifer wants, but he wants it on a different scale, and the “big picture” the Archangel has in mind is something far too daunting for any human to accept. 

Once again, Lucifer is speaking as though he’s known Sam would be the key to his absolution from the moment he was imprisoned, if not before. So was it some divine prophecy (”and it was written...”)? Did God vow to Lucifer that he would have his chance at revenge? To me, that is completely counterintuitive (as even Lucifer states later, “We’re going to kill each other, and for what?”), and, if God did, in fact, promise Lucifer a savior, I think he meant for Sam to be exactly as stubborn and strong-hearted as he is. 

Sam was made to complete Lucifer, and vice versa. Sam was made to say “yes” to the Archangel, but, in my own, personal opinion, I don’t think it was to start the Apocalypse. I think Sam was meant to save Lucifer from that darkness within him, even if that meant they had to fail. I think we see proof of this in Swan Song, when Sam “defeats” Lucifer. Lucifer said it himself - it was a battle between them - and, yes, Sam won, but I don’t believe that means that Lucifer lost. 

I think Sam’s emotions, his love, and his faith - that was bringing out the good in Lucifer long before he threw them back into the cage. Lucifer begged Michael to walk away - he begged him to forget the Apocalypse and to turn away from their Father’s plan. He never wanted to fight his brother, and I think having Sam’s goodness and purity flowing through every part of his being reminded him of who he once was - of who he could be again, if given the chance. 

So, when it comes down to it: yes, I think Lucifer and Michael always knew that their stories would end with Sam and Dean. I think they knew the basics of the plan, but they interpreted it in their own way. The moment Sam let Lucifer in, all of that certainty began to wane, because the Morning Star was reminded of who he once was - of how he, too, had been pure and loving and hopeful. 

And here’s the irony in it: Lucifer had more faith in their Father’s plan than Michael ever did. He believed in his savior, and he believed that Sam was everything to him, whereas Michael saw Dean as an inconvenient prerequisite to killing his brother. Had Michael held the same conviction as Lucifer - had he been gentle and kind and patient with Dean - had Dean actually been convinced into saying “yes” to him, would they have fought at all? I don’t believe so. Dean’s love for Sam would have influenced Michael just as Sam’s love influenced Lucifer, and he would have seen his baby brother standing before him, begging for his mercy, and not the monster Heaven had declared him to be. 

[pikapegasus]

ok I think this is how requests are done (let me know if I'm wrong): I just read "Ooh child" which involved both Mer and Ari, can you please do one about Peter and Gamora telling Mer that she's going to be a big sister?!?!

anon prompt: Starmora 097: “So, how should we break the news that they’re going to have a new baby brother or sister?” New Sister for Mer?      

combining these two lovely baby prompts ☆ i love writing the little starmora fam!!!!!! it’s so much fun

read previous starmora baby/fam fics here!!!!

send me a ship + a number!!!

“Okay, so, we all hold our cups like this.” Peterdemonstrates for them, holding his up with his pinkie finger sticking out.“Then we clink them together and say, ‘cheers.’”

“Cheers,” Gamora says, tapping her cup against his.

“Cheers!”

Peter smiles as Mer stretches her arm out toward him,pushing her cup to his. She beams up at him, fascinated by the new Terran“game” he’s introducing to the family: having a tea party.

Mer turns to Gamora and repeats the “Cheers!” with her.

“Good, good. And now, we drink,” Peter instructs, bringingthe cup to his lips to drink some of the water.

Gamora gently pulls the cup away from Mer after a few moments.“Not the whole thing at once. You’ll make yourself sick.”

“Okay,” Mer complies, setting the cup back down on thetable. “Can I eat the snacks now?”

“Yes, now you may eat the snacks,” Peter says, gesturing tothe plate of the closest thing to Terran cookies he’s come across in histravels across the galaxy. Mer grabs one and bites into it, chewing happily. Gamoraalso takes one and begins to eat.

Though he’d never actually played “tea party” himself on Earth,Peter had seen it in a show or movie at some point with little girls, orsometimes heard about it from friends at school who had younger sisters. Now thatMer’s three (in Terran years, Gamoraoften reminds him, though Mer, of course, favors the larger sounding number),he figured, what the hell, might as well pass on the weird make-believe gamefrom Earth. Gamora seems to be having fun, too, tapping her cookie againstMer’s with a quick, “Cheers.”

“I like this game, Daddy,” Mer says after finishing hercookie. “It’s yummy.”

“Yeah, it’s fun,” he says, taking another sip of water. “Andgood for practicing manners.”

“Can Groot come play, too?” Mer requests, grabbing anothercookie—which Gamora quickly intervenes, breaking it in half and taking one of thepieces for herself.

“I don’t see why not.” He grins, because as much fun as Merhas with her parents, the real partystarts for her when Groot enters the picture; he’s definitely her favorite Guardian. “Tell him we have cookies.”

“’Kay.” With that, Mer jumps out of her seat, half of acookie in hand, and rushes out of the kitchen. Her tiny footsteps scamper downthe hall, fading as she heads to Groot’s room.

“This is an interesting game,” Gamora comments, turning toPeter. “You said it was from Terra?”

“I never actually played it myself,” Peter admits, fiddlingwith his cup. “It was a game that only girls played, I guess, so I never had areason to play it until now. Boys should think about getting in on it, though.Free excuse to eat cookies.”

“It’s fun,” she says, placing her half of the cookie down onher plate. “I can tell Mer’s enjoying it, and I’m sure Groot will, too.”

“As long as Mer’s having fun, he’ll have fun,” he points outbefore leaning back in his seat with a sigh. “So now that we have hercornered…how should we break the news that she’s going to have a new babybrother or sister?”

Gamora presses her lips together, also leaning back in herchair. He catches a brief glimpse of her stomach—her bump is finally startingto show—in her movement, again trying to comprehend the fact that, holy shit, they’re going to have another kid.

“I think we should just be honest,” she says after severalmoments. “The sooner we tell her, the more time we have to fully prepare her,since things will be changing.”

Mer’s only three, but Peter can tell she’s a bright kid,even for her young age (honestly, he thinks she gets it from Gamora). She picksup on things he and Gamora tell her quickly, and loves to learn new things,always asking them questions about this and that.

There’s no telling how many questions the “younger sibling”bomb will prompt.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he admits with a nod. “I hopeshe doesn’t hate us.”

“I don’t think she will,” Gamora says thoughtfully, reachingher hand over the table to squeeze Peter’s. “Even if she reacts negatively atfirst, she’ll come around with time and get used to it. She’s too much like youto be mad at us forever.���

“Okay, first of all, she’s way more like you,” Peterinsists, biting into a cookie. “She does that thing you do with your face,where you scrunch it—yeah, that, exactlythat—and is way more easygoing than Iwas at her age.”

Before Gamora can reply, Mer returns to the room with Grootin tow. Peter swallows quickly, placing the cookie down on the plate. (Are hishands shaking? It’s not like it’s theend of the world, they’re just going to tell Mer some…some world-changing news, no big deal.)

(Okay, yes bigdeal, very big deal.)

Per usual, Gamora’s expression remains calm. She greetsGroot with a playful grin, and he offers his typical wave in return. Peterwaves as well before Groot awkwardly slides into a seat much smaller thanhimself beside Peter, across from Mer.

“It’s a tea party, Groot,” Mer explains, trying her best toget the words out correctly (it still comes out in a typical toddler jumble,but if they can understand Groot, they can understand pretty much anything). “You eat cookies and drinktea, but it’s actually water.”

“Real tea isn’t that good,” Peter explains with a shrug.

“It’s an acquired taste,” Gamora adds.

“What’s that?” Mer performs the patented Gamora-nose-scrunchas Groot picks up Peter’s cup, downing the rest of it.

“It just means it takes a while to like it,” Peter says, hidinghis quivering hands in his lap as he leans over the table, closer to Gamora andMer. “Hey, uh, Mer, Mommy and I have something important to tell you.”

Mer looks up at him through her big, dark eyes, blinkinginnocently. He opens his mouth to start speaking, but the words aren’t quiteformed yet, so he looks to Gamora for help.

“Mommy hassomething important to tell you!” he says.

Gamora manages to sneak a quick eye roll in before Mer turnsto her—they’re trying to put off Mer becoming the inevitable sass machine she’sdestined to be as long as possible, as she’s growing up surrounded by thegalaxy’s biggest assholes, a title Peter takes pride in, thank you very much—and,much more composed than Peter, she offers Mer a small smile.

“You’re going to have a baby brother or sister,” she sayscarefully. “So you’re going to be a big sister.”

Mer processes thewords for a few moments. “A baby?”

“Yeah, Mommy’s pregnant,” Peter says, finding his voice. “Thatmeans there’s a baby in her tummy right now.”

As Gamora nods and gestures to her stomach, Mer leans towardher so she can see it more closely. She lays a small hand on it. “I want asister!”

Peter gives a nervous chuckle. “Well, you see, that’s thefun part, we don’t really get to decidethat—“

“I want a sister like Mommy has a sister,” Mer declares,placing both of her hands on Gamora’s belly. “Hi, baby sister!”

“I am Groot,” Groot says with a huff that’s akin tolaughter. Peter sighs.

“If it’s a boy, you still have to love him, Mer,” Gamorasays, covering Mer’s hands with her own. “We don’t get to choose if it’s a boyor a girl, okay? Either way, you’re going to be a big sister.”

“So you get to help us take care of your baby brother orsister, and you get to play with them, too,” Peter adds.

“Okay,” Mer says easily. Gamora lifts Mer up and places heron her lap, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“Are you happy, Mer?” Peter asks, handing her his unfinishedcookie. “Are you excited to be a big sister?”

“Yeah!” Mer says while taking a bite, so, okay, Peter may ormay not have just bribed her into liking this whole “big sister” thing with acookie, but, whatever. “When’s thebaby coming?”

“In a few months,” Gamora says. “So that won’t be for awhile from now.”

“I can’t wait to meet my sister,” Mer says, her attentionfocused on her cookie.

Peter meets Gamora’s eyes above Mer’s head with a barelycontrolled grimace as Groot offers a sympathetic, “I am Groot,” before eatingtwo cookies at once.

Which then prompts Mer to try to copy him, and in the chaosof completely confiscating the cookies that ensues afterward (“No, Groot, youcan’t eat anymore either.”), Peter just hopes the world won’t end when the babydoes arrive.

send me a ship + a number!!! :)))

[batmagicalwords-blog]

26 December, 2011

       I went through a phase once. In that phase, I pictured the world as a frozen lagoon. The water was cold and shiny – in a way, it almost made me love it a little bit. If you jumped on the hard surface, you would break it and fall. Usually, you would swim back up with a little bit of effort (of course, you would have to know how to swim). However, during that phase of mine, once you fell you could never swim back up. You would be dead. In my case, during that time, I didn’t think anyone would care if that happened – if I died. Therefore, I was cold. I didn’t greet my university colleagues or my teachers. I never thanked the cashier after I paid for my bags filled with food and essentials. I never helped old ladies cross the street when they looked hopeless as cliché as that sounds. I wasn’t a good person if we come to think of it and I didn’t know how I had become like that.

       My friends eventually forced me to go see a therapist, so I did. I knew it wouldn’t change anything whatsoever. I would be like that forever. But little did I know that it would actually help me a little bit. I started to think more about people around me; I started to care more and to demonstrate that more. It was surprising to me that I could possibly be changing back into the happy boy I used to be years before. I was truly aghast how someone could change me when I thought I had no salvation available in this life.

     One day, - it was actually December 26th of 2010, that’s right, exactly a year ago – I had arrived to London and I could notice the changes in myself. The cold, crispy air of the afternoon seemed to carve deep into my skin covered by a few layers of clothing.  My teeth shook with the cold weather, making me wish that somehow I were back in Ireland where the rain seemed to soften the immense coldness. Christmas was over, though in the airport it seemed as if the world wasn't ready to be done with the celebrations just yet.

      Christmas had always been one of my favorite times of the year because families come together - they laugh together while cooking meals and desserts for the celebrations. Families tell stories by the fireplace; cousins play Monopoly until late hours in the evening (basically, until someone gets tired of it).

   In the morning, the whole family gathers around the Christmas tree to open the presents, earlier brought by Santa as kids are told - or if you're a religious person, brought by Jesus. Everyone yawns and complains about how sleepy and hungry they are but truthfully, everyone is eager to open their presents and show them off. It is what it is.

      Thus, in that afternoon, everyone was running around the airport screaming for various reasons. A tall middle-aged woman with short and curly blonde hair shouted at her - I supposed at the time - children, “We cannot be late! Grandma is waiting for us!” A small kid, probably less than ten years old, rocking his Batman sweatshirt, yelled at his mother whilst pointing at the big glass doors that lead to the outside of the airport, “Dad is waiting for us outside, can't wait to open his present!”. I couldn't help but to think at the time. Why would they be that excited if Christmas was already over? Then it came to my senses that some people don't get to spend their Christmas day with their families because they couldn't fly in time or work held them up for longer than they would have wished. Some don't celebrate it in time because of missing loved ones. I noticed it, once. I believe I'm really observant or perhaps I simply get too caught up in my own thoughts. Another explanation would be that I was actually changing for the better with those therapy sessions.

    “I miss mommy.” I heard a little girl cry to her father, as he rocked her from side to side – as I made my way to the confines of the exit area of the airport, completely leaving the cold weather behind me and feeling somewhat warm.

      “She will be here in a few minutes and we'll get to celebrate Christmas.” He responded to her, smiling weakly, probably missing his better half like crazy.

           I couldn't possibly imagine what those two were going through. I couldn't even imagine the woman's situation. She could be working overseas as an undercover agent or helping sick children somewhere in Africa. I used to miss people, I used to say goodbye and hug them dearly before leaving. I would spend nights thinking about how I missed them but then the cold-hearted phase started. Saying goodbye to my parents became easy: I wouldn't cry nor I would say I would miss them. I always had my reasons to feel that way, though I only started expressing them later. They never cared, as parents should. They never paid me enough attention neither to my older brother. They simply never cared. Always had their busy work lives in first place, therefore my brother and I would always stay alone with the nanny, we barely saw them. Just occasionally, when it had to do with school. We were good students but that was never good enough for them. I guess having perfectionist parents isn't so good. They always wanted us to do better and better, even if it meant not sleeping or eating properly. However, they would usually forget about our scholar duties and they would never check up on us; they would never come to see if we were doing what they had demanded us to do. The nanny, Genevieve, she always let us do what we pleased as long as we had done our homework prior, so we would do as so. She cared for us; she loved us. Something our parents never did, at least like normal parents would, throughout that phase of our lives. What could I do, though? I never came up with an answer to that question, opting simply to treat them nicely when needed and ignoring whatever affectionate gestures from their behalf might have surged.

           Shaking my thoughts away, I grabbed my suitcase and proceeded to evacuate the airport. I was eager to go home and have a long nice bath. As I stepped outside of the glass doors, I stopped on my way, surprised. Long straight ginger hair was in front of me. I knew that color and that hair. I couldn't right away say who that was or where I knew them from, but I knew that I had seen them - whoever that was - before.

           Yes. I remember every detail. It was one of the most important days of my life. I won’t ever be able to forget it.

           I was still, not sure if waiting for the person to turn around and to do something or if simply petrified. I wanted to know if I was imagining things or if I actually knew that person. The woman stood still, I didn't know exactly why. Maybe she was waiting for someone to pick her up or maybe she was simply deciding what to do from that moment on. She could have come from another country, ready to start a new life in England. For all I knew, she could be a Russian spy, only Russians aren't usually ginger. There I was, generalizing facts.

           I couldn't help but to think at that moment about another girl. Not about the curious woman in front of me nor about any of my female friends. I couldn't help but to think about Arabella. The woman in front of me looked awfully like her but couldn’t possibly be her. You will probably laugh at this. I’m sorry but you need to admit it was a funny occasion!

           Anyway, moving on. That Arabella had always lived in Ireland. In that moment, I started remembering many things about her. The way we used to play hide and go seek ��� I always let her win because I didn’t want to upset her. She would always complain about her teeth and how she hated them – she didn’t like the gap between her front teeth. I used to find it cute when we were eight. The chances of ever seeing her again would probably be from 0,007% to 0,010% because I rarely went to Ireland and when I did, I never saw her around.

           And now it’s the part where you laugh and throw at my face the undeniable fact that I am absolutely terrible at Math. You’ve got me.

“Collins! Collins! Here you are! Thought I would never find you! This place is packed! I'm exhausted! You're clearly cooking dinner for me!” I heard a voice coming from the distance, rambling, and quick enough I knew whom that voice belonged to. “Jackie!” He shouted, trying to get my full attention, ending up by gathering a lot of people’s attention, as always.

(Can you guess who that was? Do you still remember? I bet you can recognize whoever would say this! Come on, I’ll give you a hint! He’s small.)

           I started laughing and gave him a short hug. I had missed my best friend. The fact that he had just called me ‘Jackie’ didn’t even bother me at the time due to my immense happiness and satisfaction, fruit of seeing him again. I hated that nickname. Usually I would stare him daggers and flip him the middle finger. It wasn’t certainly the case at that time. “Hey, mate. How was Christmas?” I casually asked, starting to let go of him and grabbing my suitcase.

(Surprise, surprise! I actually cared about my two close friends. Oh, and don’t be jealous! I’m still talking about a year ago!)

           “Erm, you know, spending the holidays with six siblings can be a lot of work. I'm exhausted.” He said as we started walking to his car, dramatically.

           “They're inoffensive. Don't be a drama queen, Seth." I responded, rolling my eyes at him.

           "Yeah, right. Try spending the holidays with them...” He rolled his eyes at me as well, showing me his middle finger.

           I laughed lightly and before disappearing completely from the front of the airport, I looked back at the ginger haired woman and stopped in my feet. Seth stopped as well, confused as to why I had stopped.

           “Come on, I don't have all day. Harry's waiting in the car; he needs me to drive him to campus.” Seth complained, trying at the same time to understand to where I was staring.

           I completely zoned off, ignoring his words. I was captured by her beauty. Her long straight ginger hair complemented her pale white face. Freckles were all over her cheeks giving her a sweet complexion, something I had never seen in my life. I could notice that her eyes were a light blue and her lips were pale, uncolored. She wore jeans, tall brown boots and a long brown winter coat. Her clothing wasn't too fancy or sophisticated. It looked as if she usually wore casual clothes, yet they fit her perfectly.

           This part is where you let a tear fall down your cheek, your lungs run out of air and you look at the clouds, saying “That bloody bastard, how does he remember?”. Darling, it’s only been an year, don’t look so surprised. You should close your mouth or a fly will come in!

           Let me tell you the rest, please. You will be so happy after I tell you this, I’m glad I will be death when you read it. Ok, so I decided to approach her in order to ask her for her name. I didn't know what to say at first, though. I was at a loss of words. I was afraid I would say something inappropriate or rude with my nervousness. It always went better when I was drunk.

           I took a deep breath, told myself in my head it would all be all right and marched towards the beautiful woman I had been dying to talk to - literally for the previous ten minutes or so. Before I was too close to her, I took another breath and looked over my shoulder only to see Seth with a confused expression examining my every move. I winked at him and nodded, earning a smirk back from him.

           Seth is very perceptive, always has been. He could right away tell I was going to talk to a woman, he could see past my smiles. He could tell when something was off with me. He could mostly tell when I was nervous as hell and needed a reassurance smile or another signal to give me determination.

           Taking my attention off of Seth, I focused on the woman I was walking toward to. As I approached her, she placed her eyes on me, narrowing them, probably wondering if she had seen me in another occasion. I stuck my hands on my jeans' pockets and coughed to mark my presence. She looked at me curiously and a small smile made its way to her thin lips.

           “Hey.” I greeted before she could say anything. “Saw you from over there and thought I would come by and ask if you are okay. You look a bit lost.” I laughed lightly earning a confused frown from her.

           “Hi? Actually, I'm a bit lost.” She admitted, looking distressed, clutching her black purse to her stomach. “Not a bit, completely utterly lost.”

           “Well, if you would like, I can help you.” I offered, smiling.

           She kept gazing me, probably trying to make up in her mind if I was being truthfully honest.

           (Yes, I am rolling my eyes at you now.)

           She kept quiet so I decided that maybe she didn't want my help. Just when I was about to leave she smiled lightly and nodded. “I...I...sure. I could really use some help.” She said, laughing at the end. “I definitely have bad orientation.”

           I smiled at the way her eyes closed while she laughed, the way the laughter softened her features. Eventually, a few seconds later, the laughter subsided and gave place to a genuine smile.

           “When I'm drunk I also have bad orientation, don't worry.” I said, laughing and shrugging my shoulders.

           “Well, at least when you're sober you have good orientation.” She simply said.

           “That's true but being drunk and having no orientation is the worst ever.” I ashamedly told her, earning a laugh from her that made my cheeks turn incredibly warm. I probably looked like a very red tomato. “What are you laughing about?” I asked, trying to cover my red cheeks with my hands, completely embarrassed.

           “Nothing, nothing.” She rushed her words, raising her hands in the air. “It's kind of cute the way you're embarrassed.” She commented that in a low tone, perhaps in hopes I wouldn't hear her. She was dead wrong.

           "It's not cute, it's awful." I stated, peeking through my fingers to look at her face.

           "Must be funny to watch you disorientated and drunk." She commented, obviously trying not to laugh by biting her bottom lip.

           "I guarantee you it's not funny, it's probably very annoying." I said.

           "I think it would be funny and I would have a great time." She playfully answered, obviously trying to say something behind the words she said.

           "That's good for you and not so great to me." I answered.

           "Yes." She nodded.

           I smiled and finally gathered my guts together in order to ask what I was dying to know, "What's your name?"

           "I…I don't know if I should tell you." She hesitated, making me frown. Was she serious?

           "Why not?" I asked.

           "For all I know, you could be a serial killer or a very influent drug dealer." She responded, shrugging.

           "If that was true why would you still be talking to me?" I asked, narrowing my eyes and smiling.

           "Maybe I like to take risks." She simply stated, smiling too.

           "People would say that talking to a serial killer would be tremendously dangerous." I stated, looking around.

           "Well, I don't really care what other people think." She said.

           "That's good."

           "Yes."

           I smiled again once silence took over. "I'm Jack." I decided to break the strange moment of silence in hopes she would tell me her name as well.

           "I didn't ask." She immediately said, smirking.

           "I didn't need you to. I'm Jack." I proceeded to say again, shrugging.

           "I heard you at the first time."

           "Collins." I completed, smiling proudly.

           "What?" She asked confused.

           "Collins." I simply answered, amused.

           "Collins?" She asked again, sounding a little bit nervous and on edge.

           "It's a surname. People usually have surnames. I am no different." I explained, smirking.

           "Dumbass, obviously I know that. But Jack Collins?" She asked me again, smacking my chest with her bare hand.

           "Did you think that would honestly hurt?" I asked, surprised.

           "Who told you I meant to hurt you?" She shot back, placing her hands on her hips.

           "I like you." I admitted, earning a roll of eyes.

           "Okay." She said. "I think your friend is waiting for you. Looks like he's going to murder you. He’s literally stabbing you in the back on his mind." She stated and her brows were furrowed in deep concentration.

           "He won't."

           "How do you know?"

           "I just do."

           "You're very self-assured for someone who’s about to get killed by their best friend."

           "Well, I've known him for a few years now. He’s harmless."

           "Right...I’ll pretend to believe you. Now, you should go though." She commented and I looked over my shoulder only to watch an inpatient Seth, patting his foot against the concrete ground, huffing and rolling his eyes.

           "You're right." I nodded.

           "I know." She reinforced her statement.

           "Alright, you should follow me though, so I help you find your way." I told her, smiling.

           "Yes, that would be nice." She quickly answered.

           "Come on then." I said, starting to walk away with her following behind.

           I had come to her for a purpose but I couldn't accomplish it. I wanted to find out what her name was but I failed at it. She was so stubborn - it was very clear, you didn't need to know her for years to realize that trace of hers. She wouldn't even tell me her name and I didn't understand why. We started walking up to Seth, waiting for us. Then I heard her, “Hey!”

           I turned my head to her and raised my eyebrows confused as to why she would shout ‘hey!’ when she was walking right beside me.

           “Arabella Potter.” She said, smiling, before walking away with her suitcase rolling behind her, in front of me, toward Seth - before I could even make a comment about her surname.

           I smiled to myself and patted myself in the back mentally before jogging quickly toward Seth. If looks could kill, I would have already been dead. Even so, the looks weren't solemnly what came through my mind. Arabella Potter. Was she her? It couldn't possibly be in my head. The odds of ever seeing her again were so goddamn low; it was shocking even.

           “You had me waiting ten minutes, ten bloody minutes.” He hissed, rolling his eyes.

           “Sorry, I -I” I started to apologize but was soon cut off.

           “No sorry. You had Harry and me waiting ten minutes, ten straight minutes plus twenty something seconds. He's going to be late for class because of your excuse of an ass.” He said, pissed.

           “Excuse me? My ass is just fine, thank you very much. And as a matter of fact, your buddy here has made a friend.” I told him, smiling happily.

           Seth tried not to smile at me by biting his lip, “Do you expect me to congratulate you and pat you in the back?” He asked sarcastically.

           “No, but a happier reaction for seeing me would work too.” I suggested, shrugging.

           “Great, Collins! You're back! Oh and you got yourself a girlfriend! Now, shut up!” He cheered falsely, earning a laugh and eye roll from me.

           “Better.” I nodded, “And who the hell has classes on Christmas holidays?” I asked Seth, confused as to why Harry would go to school in that day.

           “I'm still here you know! And I'm not his new girlfriend. My name's Arabella Potter.” She said, waving her hands around in front of Seth and I.

           “Right, I'm Seth.” He offered his hand out and Arabella shook it gladly.

           I didn't know what to do or say because I couldn't stop thinking about the little girl I used to play with for endless hours. I couldn't get the image of her grey eyes shining under the starry sky every so often. I couldn't get the sweetness of her freckles under her eyes off of my mind. What if this girl was my Arabella? What if the world wanted to put us together one last time before we died for good? What if…? But Seth kept talking and talking and eventually he was back at saying why Harry had a class on a Saturday. I was lost in my mind. I couldn't escape from it and I wondered if she was thinking the same - that maybe we both were the same people we thought we were.

           “Apparently, his teacher was sick so they have extra classes during the holidays to compensate.” He told us, obviously not happy about that. “He would be so much better home with me, cuddling and watching Christmas movies with me.”

           “Okay, Seth. We don't need details.” I simply answered smiling and hoping he wouldn't go on a rant about all the things he most loved about Mister Bellamy or all the things they would do in their bedroom. Listening to Seth talking about very personal stuff between him and Harry has probably been one of the worst experiences of my entirety of existence.

           We started walking out of the airport with Arabella tagging along. As we reached the car, Seth put my suitcase in the back of the vehicle, while I made my way inside to the back seat. "Hey, Bellamy!" I greeted, high-fiving him.

           "Hey, Collins! How was Ireland?" He asked just as Seth entered in the car.

           "You know, same old, same old." I shortly answered, not wanting to share any details for the time being. Trips to Ireland had never been my favorite kind of thing ever since I’d moved to London for university. “Oh, this is Arabella, I met her back inside.”

           “Hi, nice to meet you. I don't want to ask too much of you but do you happen to know anyone who's renting a bedroom? I could use a place to stay.” She explained, sounding like she could use a hand.

           I looked at Harry and Seth as they looked back at me. I smiled to myself and turned to Arabella. “If you can handle us three, we would love to have you living at our spare bedroom in our lovely apartment.” I suggested, grinning.

           "Seth has been unbearable though. You'll have a lot to put up with." Harry rolled his eyes.

           Seth scoffed in return. "Excuse me? Me? Unbearable? You're the one who wouldn't watch football games with me!" He complained.

           "See, Jack? This is what I mean." Harry stated, smiling.

           "Do you think this is normal, Jackie?" Seth asked me.

           "You can be a pain in the ass sometimes, Seth." I told him, looking at him apologetically. “Plus, you keep calling me that awful nickname. That suits for a girl, not me, obviously.” I added, rolling my eyes.

           "That's it. You both get out of my car. Arabella is the only decent person in this vehicle." He playfully told us. “And Collins, you’re a girl, stop hiding it.”

           "Just drive me to campus already." Harry demanded, placing his right hand on Seth's left thigh.

           I smiled at their banter just after I had shot my middle finger at Seth after his affirmation. I had missed them a lot. As Seth drove and Harry talked to him about his class, I zoned out, staring at the landscape through the window. I couldn't help but to think about the little girl that meant so much to me who could be sat right next to me but I couldn't know for sure.

           I smiled to myself and decided that I would discover if this girl was the same little girl I used to be so fond of, one way or another. I would talk to her and try to figure it all out. I could not possibly live knowing her name and not being 100% sure if she was the same person. I had to know. I knew that I wanted to know her the first time I had laid eyes on her, in that airport. Arabella Potter - she could be the same Arabella I used to know. She even had the same surname as Harry Potter. How more intriguing could she become? How more interesting could she become? I remember when we were little, we used to foreplay Harry Potter.

           "Jack, are you listening to any word I've said in the last two minutes?" I was snapped out of my little bubble of thoughts to Seth staring at me through the rear view mirror.

           "Sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?" I asked, this time with my full attention directed to them.

           "I was asking you where you wanted to go after we drop Sir Harold off at college."

           "Can we just go home and play FIFA?" I suggested.

           "Perfect!" He cheered. "See, Harold? You should totally learn a thing or two from our little Irish man here!" He told him, earning a roll of eyes from Harry.

           "Piss off, Seth." Harry smirked, laughing.

           I laughed as well, watching the two. I could definitely spend more times like that with them. I could never get tired of my best friends. Being around them was a leaf of fresh air after a terrible week back in my own homeland, somewhere I was supposed to feel whole and at ease, not completely sad and lost.

           But I forgot we were completely ignoring Arabella who was watching us three intently. “I’m in. I just hope you guys are not a huge mess. I don't want any underwear on the floor and please, don't get the toilet all dirty.” She spoke and laughed at the end.

           “Well, let's drop Harry off and go meet your new place.” Seth said, smiling.

           “But we haven't cleaned the bathroom!” I piped in, worried she would not like the mess and give up on the whole living with us situation.

           “Well, you can clean it when we arrive.” Arabella replied, smirking.

           I was liking her already and it had only been roughly half an hour. Maybe she was the little girl I used to play with but until I was sure of it, she was a bubble of happiness and sassiness that pulled me to her without any effort.

           I knew it was sudden. I knew that I could be committing an error of judgement by inviting her to live with us. I had all the conscience, though the familiarity and goodness she transmitted made me do it without giving it much thought. Sometimes we tend to act without thinking and very often we are proven wrong but in that day, it made sense in my head. She needed a bedroom to stay in and we needed someone to occupy our spare one. She could eventually turn into a serial killer or psychopath but I didn't believe it. She had a sweet innocence spread out on her features. It was impossible to believe she meant any harm. Perhaps the terrible visit to Ireland clouded my judgement and influenced me on my ability to make right decisions. But then again what is right or wrong? We live in average about 80 years. What is right or wrong in such a small period of time? Until that day I had spent my life being incredible unhappy with everything, often depressed or in an empty state of mind, feeling absolutely nothing.

           I was trying to change my mindset positively in order to make me happy and everyone around me as well. Of course, that was a huge ambition that could have been hardly accomplished. We always make someone unhappy, directly or indirectly, there's no escape.

           Arabella had this sweet aura over her so maybe that's what really captured me or it was simply my solemn curiosity to find out whether she was or not my childhood friend. Could she be? She could. The possibility of not being was also on the table.

           “I think Seth wouldn't mind cleaning the bathroom. Right?” I said, smirking.

           “Not right, leprechaun. You invited her, you clean.” He stated, raising his middle finger directed toward me in the meanwhile.

           “You’re so rude, Seth.” I replied, rolling my eyes.

           “Well, someone has to be tough on you, leprechaun.” He stated as if it was an obvious thing.

           Why would anyone possibly need to be tough on me? Actually, why would he even call me leprechaun?

           “Seems to me you guys will eventually kill each other someday.” Arabella piped in, laughing.

           I turned my head toward her and watched as her dimples popped up on her face. They made her look extremely cute, though I wouldn't tell her that obviously.

           “Don’t worry, they possibly couldn't. They love each other way too much.” Harry said.

           “Sure, Harold, whatever floats your boat.” Seth replied and I could see him rolling his eyes.

           My eyes darted to the small, discreet tattoo that adorned her wrist - a Wind Rose. An eight peaks star, one half dark blue and the other half red. The center contained a small yellow circle where in its limit all the peaks connected. A stylish and beautiful writing font was carved into her skin with the four main orientations first letter in capital - N (North), S (South), W (West) and E (East).

           Maybe she had tattooed that in her wrist so that maybe she would improve her orientation somehow or maybe it was some type of metaphor that I had no idea about. Either way, it looked beautiful and I was intrigued. Maybe she could be the orientation I needed in my life or maybe she was just someone amazing passing through my life in a nanosecond of time.

           Suddenly, I felt my iced walls slowly melting away. I didn’t know if they would eventually fully melt, but in that moment it felt like everything was possible and the sky above me was just an immense sea of possibilities.

           Now, you are going to probably laugh, shake your head, cry and call me silly. You will also say, “No way he remembers that day detail by detail.”. Ok, fine, I admit: I don’t remember every detail, especially all the banter, but I do know one thing, what happened was probably very close to what I wrote here, because I was me, you were you, Seth was Seth and Harry was Harry. Plus, it has only been a year and since I love you and all that cute sappy stuff, of course I remember the day my happiness came back. Thank you. You can cry now and tell me you love me.

Lots of love,

Jack Collins