#still figuring out a consistent design for them but im pretty happy with how this came out

[snallyghaster]

survivor my beloved <3

[beatcroc]

a year!!! as of today i have now been drawing these funny little pizza freaks, to the exclusion of almost everything else, for!!! an entire year!!! i wanted to do a nice group shot/lineup of everybody to compare to when i first started trying to draw them because oh boy were they bad. i never even posted most of them anywhere because they were so bad. but im posting them here, now, to see how everything's changed/evolved.

this is probably the hardest time i've ever had trying to figure out how to work with a style, but we got there eventually; i'm pretty happy with the handle i've got on everybody now...dont let ur memes be dreams. lots of unimportant journaling and idle thoughts abt it below.

older pics

the first one is the VERY first time i drew them, before i thought i was going to actually have any interest in drawing them [lmao]; it was just the one isolated image, for my friendserver, to illustrate the funney message, so there was no attempt to make it Good or actually understand anything going on w/ the designs or style.

second is the original run of practices sketches to start trying to figure them out for real; done after i started having ideas for the comics and such and realized oh god maybe i am actually gonna draw fanart for this. [again, lol, and lmao.]

third one is the first pt art thing i posted on here. there were a couple weeks of sprite studies between this one and the previous image. the one on the top right wasn't part of that post i just threw it on as space filler; i'd intended to shift to doing Sprite Redraws But Stylized to explore tings more, but that was the only one i did. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

individual characters

peppino: by far the hardest dear god. bro what ARE your shapes how DOES your face work. jesus christ. everything i have trouble with this style for, peppino has it in excess. i draw in polygons! i need consistency! and that is the last thing this kind of style is concerned with. they are made of squarshy clay and i do not understand how to mold them. i was really hoping trying to learn this game's style would GIVE me that kind of flexibility for fun exaggerated facial expression but i don't think much came of it in the end 😔. anyway on the bright side all this means once i got peppino figured out a little bit everybody else clicked way easier.

fake peppino: honestly i never did anything with him on purpose except for how his eyes work + the perma-smile thing. i figured ok hes supposed to look weird and off model so whatever happens with him happens. and it did. and it kept happening. it is still, in fact, happening.

noise/ette: somehow, for every bit that peppino was the least natural thing i've ever tried, these two worked pretty much right off the bat. i still don't understand it, seeing as pretty much all the things at play for peppino are also at work for them. i think the new sketches are actually a little worse than older ones but not enough that i care.

gustavo: really funny bc i drew him on model twice and just went 'okay, cool nice, easy, um. he doesn't have any fucking legs?' fortunately he was the only one i had a strong idea for how to stylize him [square] and it worked exactly as i was hoping so wahoo.

brick: is an animal and therefore 5000x easier and more natural for me to draw/stylize than anything else in the cast. that is Just a rat bro. i can draw a rat.

gerome: i think the funniest one here. the most drastic and least necessary change imo. i was gonna have him be really small at first, like smaller than the noises, but then i just... didn't. he's just peppino-sized now. also i gave him like. actual human facial structure, which is funny bc in most cases i'd do anything to avoid, but it works well for his being A Rock to give him some angles and definition like that+ to differentiate his vibe from the rest of the cast who are all very squishy. also since he is essentially Just A Head it's good to emphasize that too ig.

john: i only drew john a couple times but he gets to be here because i like him. and because most of the stuff i applied to gerome was readily applicable to john, though i did try to keep him a little more uncanny because he is a Huge And Lanky Freak. i hate that he is barefoot btw but idk how to make his color balance look right with shoes.

pizzahead: i did not want to put him on here honestly but i Have drawn him a handful of times and more importantly i didn't know what i was gonna do with john's pose if i didn't have him there to be glared at. the only thing that's different with him is giving him wider-bottomed pants, which i got from when i tried to draw these guys in clone high style [i never posted that one either][i will eventually]

snick: he gets to be here because 1. he's like 6 lines 2. i like him and 3. ive scribbled him a few times offhand and it went pretty well

misc

there are some guys missing because those are guys i didn't draw enough [or at all] to have gotten comfortable with them. sorry

i would have Liked to shade these but for the time being i have accepted that my grasp of light/shadow has decayed to the point im not going to be happy with anything i try there, so For Now i am working on my presentation with flats i guess. gerome has a shadow only because he's shaded like that ingame and looks naked without it

anyway if you are still reading [hi?] i get to shamelessly plug now. i'm over the hill of my pizza run now, and while i still have plenty of things i want to make here, most of the bigger more in-depth ones have passed. pizza tower was the first thing in THREE YEARS to get me out of my oc groove to doing fanart, and once i am done with my ideas here i will be going right back to it. if you like my art or how i write characters/interactions you should check out my oc/webcomic blog @jamverse . i can't promise people who like pizza stuff will be terribly into my designs, but i can guarantee i treat my guys with the exact same sort of tone i handle the pt guys with. and hell, i've mentioned it a few times before, but like 70% of my characterization for fake pep is just copied off one of my characters, so if u are going to miss him... he will still be there in spirit >;p

and if you dont care about any of that and are still reading thank you anyway. actually making these comics + seeing how shockingly well-received they've been has done a lot for my confidence, and for seeing that my kind of stuff IS something people enjoy :')

[red-water-dragon]

Raren demonstrating a suspicious spell in front of the royal court.

visual storytelling notes:

The bg was left blank until I started painting and the elements added to the bg were designed around the character. I didn't go into this with a little synopsis of what I wanted to convey. Only an abstract idea that Raren was going to be talking to someone, figure it out later. I decided he'd be presenting a new spell in front of a political chamber because he wears a crown and a blue crystal. So he has to be of some form of nobility and magical prowess. He also has blue eyes meaning he is an ice dragon and thus its a blue spell wow. The monarchs he's addressing are left dark and disapproving in the corner while Raren powers a statue beneath them. He could be demonstrating how the spell effects the world around them, maybe it freezes the stone? maybe it brings the statue to life? Either way its primed to eat Raren's opposition. Two of the bg guys are red one is blue maybe he's an arch nemesis who knows.

Art process and wips under the cut

I'm trying and failing to get better at visual story telling while keeping things simple. My long term goal is to have a frequent and consistent posting schedule. Most of the art would be stylized and simple like this and the rest could be fully rendered.

Art has been more of a "draw what's in you head and make it look pretty/ cool to hang up later" thing to me w/ the benefit of being a good source of self reflection as I create. Writing has more so been my go to for expressing that meditation. Writing I don't share because im unnecessarily cagy abt my emotions and my harshest critic lol. I want to tell stories with my art , convey tone, feeling, etc. and right now my paintings don't do that. I don't have the technical skill yet. This painting is the first of many to come that will hopefully change this.

The texture in this is chaotic and the line work is rough. Raren is the only part of this with a full sketch. All other line art was added to create the illusion of detail. There is less attention on rendering each section and more being put into the placement of characters and props. I had hoped this would make the painting go faster and...it has the potential to do so in the future. Sooo a piece that could have taken a couple hours took a whole day.

While im not overly thrilled with the final image im still happy about the process. Normally the dragon would be the only real focal point in my painting with the bg being a gradient, or a simple theme added last second. Conveying a message is more work but it gives more cool things for the eye to look at and the mind to ponder. So in theory even if the final result is aesthetically unappealing the theme can still salvage the work a bit.

what this taught me:

sketchy line work is passable in the final image

it can even add character to the art

plants are a great way of filling space without actually doing so

(hence the wip of the room looking empty af with out them)

the more clothing and eye candy you put on your character the more clutter you have to add to the bg to balance it out

the main oc was sketched the bg was painted on the fly

doing so saved time but harmed the natural flow of the piece

all of the storytelling is happening in quarters and it is almost abrasive to look at

what ill try in the next piece:

perspective guides

less shading and rendering

find a color palette to stick to

or work in greyscale first

write a little picture synopsis

or pick a theme

just find something that acts as a story guide

sketch out bg elements

toy around with the sketch more before moving to painting

[milkbreadtoast]

more oc doodles... tested a braid for him!! also made the butterfly motif more obvious w the butterfly clips... i rly wanted him to have them but rarely drew him from the back so...

this post is kinda short so gonna post some old art w commentary under the cut bc i dont think i posted them here before🤧 thought i did but....

(oct 2020) happy to see visible improvement from then heh... this is where i first got him closer to his current design/palette + decided on the purple/yellow palette and the inverting eye color idea... normally pretty and shiny but w a creepy spotted butterfly eye look when using his powers (simplified the dots to just 3 in his current design)...

more recent doodles (apr 2022)... these r cute tbh i like the 2nd pic, he looks so fluffy + u can see the butterfly hairtie... but i still wasnt satisfied w his design...

in my most recent attempt at designing him(aug 2023) i changed several things... made his bangs longer for a more elegant look(which is actually closer to how it was before)... figured out how to draw his eyes + eyebrows better + more consistent(had been going back n forth btwn double/mono eyelids and thick/thin eyebrows... finally settled on sleepy double eyelids + thick brows) + i also changed the placement of his moles... (used to be right under his eye; changed to middle of cheek + another near the nose.. aka the txt soobin mole KFJKS I like how this new placement gives him a softer and gentle elegant look?? it's subtle but I like it a lot better... Oh also I made his sideburn locks shorter instead of long and curly and I like this change a lot too... idk it looks cuter to me KJFKS I gave him the long curly ones before bc i thought it'd look more unique but... i decided it's more important that I personally like it rather than just give traits to set him apart... he already looks plenty flashy w his eyes and colors anyway🤧

bonus: another pass from p recently (may 2023) where, unsatisfied and wondering how to fix his design, attempted straying further from prev attempts by testing a middle part (and also a mole near his mouth)... but I was actually getting colder and not warmer.... I don't like these but at least I tested it to know that I don't like it!! u can also see a test doodle of the spiky green guy (hyojun) here lol

And finally, here's 1 of his very first design attempts from way back in aug 2019!!! (u can see early hyojun too...)

This was back when I was just starting to figure the current ver of his chara/personality/role in the story... not fleshed out at all but i at least had a vague idea and this was when I decided he would be purple (instead of other palette ideas i had considered earlier like brown hair, orange coding...) But at this early stage I hadnt come up with the butterfly motif, or the purple/yellow palette (he was purple/magenta here) or darker skin... Tbh I consider this a "beta design" bc theres sm thing that were diff/not decided yet but it's technically the same chara ckdbf

I can't fit any more images ㅠㅠ but u can see more concept sketches in this twitter thread... and yea I was testing an inverted eye concept even back then... I really liked this idea so I didn't want to abandon it, and im happy I made it even better since w the butterfly concept *_*

[happytsukki]

common sense

k. tsukishima

you were a fool. but only for tsukishima. (f! reader)

a/n: ive been reading the manga and chapters 370+ literally have me bawling, im so emotionally attached. also fun fact you cant get your drivers license in japan till you graduate high school,,big rip for (y/n) and her food.

someone with common sense would’ve ran home to avoid the predicted forecast. they would’ve enjoyed safely arriving home without getting a single drop of rain on their uniform. but you lacked common sense.

the steady beat of raindrops hitting the ground accompanied by a strong gust of wind greeted you as you exited the school. you stood waiting, a bright green umbrella painted with purple triceratops in one hand while you rocked back and forth on your heels.

“what are you still doing here?” a voice suddenly asked, snapping you out of your trance. looking up you locked eyes with tsukishima causing a champagne pink hue to creep onto your cheeks.

“oh, i-uh, knew you didn’t have an umbrella, so i figured i would wait for you and we could walk together,” you beamed. tsukishima rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses, but you swore you could see the corners of his lips curl up.

you knew tsukishima. you knew he hated the rain and deep down, he appreciated your kind gesture even if he didn’t say it.

he grabbed the umbrella in your hand and opened it outside the safety of the building. he took two steps into the rain before turning around to realize you were still frozen on the steps of karasuno high. there you were, an idiot shivering from head to toe in the cold weather, yet you still had a smile painted across your face.

“are you gonna just stand there or are you actually coming?” he muttered, his eyebrows furrowing in slight confusion.

“coming!!” you cooed before running down the steps and practicing colliding with him as you pressed closer to him under the tiny umbrella. maybe you should’ve packed a bigger umbrella, but you definitely weren’t complaining.

you walked in unison, small drops falling onto your sweater as you could barely fit under the umbrella with the beanpole. you took notice of one hand tucked away in the warmth of his jacket and the other clutching the umbrella for the two of you. and with your warm gloves, you placed a hand over his.

“sorry, your hand seemed a little cold” you blurted out, slightly afraid he would take his hand away in disgust. but he didn’t, he let you hold his hand. you could finally release the breath you were holding and smiled. rainy days never felt good. the sky may have been dark and gloomy, but being with him felt as if it was another spring day, the sun beaming brightly and the birds chirping.

your walk consisted of asking tsukishima about his volleyball club season and him asking about your classes. you wanted to amuse him, to hear his laugh just once, so you told him the story of how you went to school thinking you math test only to find it was actually an english test, receiving a grade no higher than your age.

and miraculously, he laughed. it was subtle and quiet, but it took away your breath and made your heart race.

tsukishima halted, finally arriving at his home. he glanced up at the sky before catching it slowly transform from a color to a baby blue.

“it stopped raining—“ you cut him off midsentence, grabbing the sides of his face and pulling him closer before you placed a quick peck on his lips.

“bye!” you shouted as you ran away. leaving poor tsukishima standing there, dumbfounded as to why his heart was beating so fast and why his knees turned into complete jelly.

you liked tsukishima. and luckily, he liked you too.

someone with common sense would’ve finished their homework and took advantage of a night free of worry. they would’ve enjoyed a full eight hours of sleep while dreams danced through their mind. but you lacked common sense.

the kitchen clock read 2:18, you were growing impatient waiting for cookies in the oven. before your crazy attempt to make lunches and treats for the entire karasuno team, you studied for your history test and finished a 10-page essay due the next day.

with your apron stained with all sorts of condiments and food, you glanced at the pile of bento boxes placed on your dining table. each decorated with a name of every player on karasuno’s mens volleyball club, of course including the cutest managers and best coaches.

the lunch box on top, reading my tsukki, my moon made with extra love and care for you boyfriend.

tomorrow was the miyagi prefectural qualifiers and as much as you wanted to be there, you had school. you longed to be in the crowds, screaming for tsukki and karasuno at the top of your lungs. so of course, you felt guilty for not being able to give your support. an alternative? food.

beep beep. the timer of the oven finally went off and you breathed a sigh of relief. you weren’t sure how long you could keep your eyelids open. your tiredness must’ve gotten to your head because without a second thought you opened the oven and reached for the scorching pan.

you spewed a variety of curses quietly in an attempt to not wake your parents, but the pain was intolerable. after taking the cookies out with the opposite hand, throwing them in a container and trying to type out ‘how to deal with burns’ with your pinky while one hand held ice (not a good idea) to the burn— you fell asleep on the couch.

not even 3 hours later, you woke up. oh the things i do for this boy. you shook your head, a smile creeping onto your face just thinking about him. you quickly throw on a hoodie and carefully place the food into a basket attached to your bike.

the sun had barely come up, just peeking from the horizon. it was way too early. riding your bike to karasuno while you rubbed your eyes constantly and yawned nonstop was a challenge. you almost tipped over several times. but once you arrived you were greeted by a horde of “hey it’s y/n!!” but the only thing you could really hear was “y/n what are you doing here?”

“well, good morning to you too, tsukki,” you chirped, taking the food out of your basket and carefully distributing it to everyone.

“wow y/n, you really didn’t have to do this.” daichi said. “but this does look amazing.” sugawara butt in, admiring the cute design. “y/n you’re the best, seriously!!” praised hinata, already shoving a small bite into his mouth for a quick ‘taste.’

when you handed tsukki his, confusion and worry came across his face. “but— look at you y/n. you look terrible.” he spat, reaching over to inspect your face. he titled your chin up and pulled your eyes wide.

“is that what you tell your girlfriend after she spent all night to make you lunch?” you pouted, slightly hurt from how he reacted.

“i think y/n looks pretty, like always.” yamaguchi gushed from afar.

“shut up yamaguchi.” “sorry tsukki!!”

“but you know thats not what i meant. i’m just worried about, you look like you haven’t sleep at all.” he shook his head.

“hey! technically i slept for 3 hours.” you argued, earning a signature tsukishima eye roll from the man himself.

“you’re an idiot, y/n. but thank you.” he muttered and placed a kiss on your forehead. suddenly, coach ukai cut in and yelled for everyone to get in the van. groaning, tsukki squeezed you into a hug.

“sorry i can’t be there, but win for me and i’ll be there next match. i promise” you pouted, adding an extra boost of encouragement for tsukishima. these days, you’d noticed how passionate he’d become about the sport and no words could describe your happiness over this.

after waving bye to the team and wishing them the best of luck, you stood alone in the parking lot. happy and excited for what was to come for the karasuno boys volleyball club. but stupid for thinking you could make it through the rest of your day on the mere 3 hours of sleep.

you were an idiot— a fool, perhaps.

someone might as well hand you a jester hat and shoes, bells included, of course. because you were a fool, for tsukishima kei only.

someone with common sense would’ve followed the sign saying “only players allowed on court.” they would’ve yelled praises of encouragement from the stands and just sent a text. but you lacked common sense.

as soon as you saw red liquid ooze from tsukishima’s hand, you hoped out of your seat and grabbed your belongings without hesitation. oh no. your heart sunk and before yachi could even try to calm you down you were already running.

past the crowds and down the stairs leading to the court. you sprinted towards the karasuno team, completely ignoring the officials yelling at you.

you gently pushed through tsukishima’s teammates and an angry expression reached your face once you met eyes with the boy.

“tsukishima kei, are you stupid?” you cursued at him. his face turns a slight pink as his teammates snicker at your typical girlfriend antics. meanwhile, several tournament officials walked over to check on tsukishima’s condition and kick you off the court since you weren’t a player. but you didn’t care. you took his hurt hand into yours, putting your face closer to examine the extent of his injury.

he winced in pain causing your anger to melt away. “you almost gave me a heart attack, you have no idea how worried i was up th-“ you blab on before tsukishima reassures you.

“y/n i’m still breathing, right? you care about me that much huh?” tsukishima smirked as he tried to hide the pain he felt in his right hand.

“okay lovebirds, why don’t you go to the medical office together and get it checked out? we’re going to need you back on the court, tsukishima.” coach ukai quickly sends the two of you away in hopes of him returning by the fifth set.

akiteru and yachi anxiously follow as you and tsukishima rush to the medical office. they wait outside and the doctor tells you two that only his pinky is discolated and the rest of his fingers are fine, so he can still return but he has to wait for the bleeding to stop. the doctor excuses himself to get more bandages, leaving the two of you alone.

you stand up from your seat to stand in front of tsukishima. his face is serious, clearly still fixated on the game still going on at the moment. you wanted to give him peace but you couldn’t hold in how proud you were.

you go on to explain how amazed you were. “and when you jumped up to block, i knew ushijima had no chance— then BOOM! his spike goes straight down into the floor. i think i broke yachi’s eardums with my screaming. not to mention how hot you looked out there like what the hell??” you gushed, making tsukishima smile amidst his pain.

he pulled you in closer and wrapped his long arms around your torso, tucking his face into the comfort of your neck. like muscle memory, your hand finds its way to his back and began to rub circles.

“you’re really sweaty, tsukki. its kinda gross.” you whisper into his hear making him click his tongue in response. but despite the perspiration dripping down his back, you honestly didn’t mind.

tsukishima pulls away, his eyes wander around your face. his breath hitching at your every feature, especially at how your eyes possessed a unique twinkle that didn’t just resemble stars but the entire galaxy. then he remembers the day he fell in love with you, that day you walked home together in the rain.

“god y/n, you’re crazy you know that, right? but i love you.” he chuckles. “i know.” you proudly state while you try to hide the fact that your heart was physically hurting from how fast it was beating. “and i-“ you sprinkle a dozen kisses all over tsukishima’s face. one for eveything you loved about him.” love you too, kei” you say before pressing your swollen lips against his.

“now go out there and beat shiratorizawa’s ass!”

and that’s exactly what he does.

[soulkiba]

saw youre studying game design and since ive been thinking about switching majors: would you recommend it? how did you know it was “the right major”? What are things you love/ hate about it? you would help me a great deal! im feeling pretty lost

Hello there! So, first off, I’m not exactly studying Game Designs in the well...”usual” sense I suppose? In the sense of, I’m not going to college or anything but to an private school since Germany doesn’t offer Game Design at local colleges or universities (as much as I know) and I wouldn’t have the qualifications for that any ways since I well, dropped out of school. But I’m still doing an Game Designs education, allthough the one I’m doing is very practise oriented and I also not only learn about Game Design, but also 3D Modelling, Programming and Art/Digital Art (which I essentially am majoring in). So it is a bit different (atleast thats what I assume since I don’t really know the standard) but anyways, heres my thoughts on it and why I decide to “learn” Game Design. Essentially, Drawing and playing video games was basically all I ever did growing up. I always was a nerd and I picked up drawing again around like, 9th grade and was terrible but I still enjoyed it. When I made the decicion to drop out of school in 11th grade, part of it was due to mental health problems but I also knew that I didn’t really want to study. Or rather I didn’t want to study or end up in a Job that I would hate. So the only thing I saw myself happy doing for a living was well, drawing, more or less. And when I found this school, which basically offered an education that combined the two things I loved the most and spend the most time with in my life, I pretty much knew I wanted to pursue this. There certainly are things I dislike about it, yes, but they are mostly about the 3D Modelling and Programming aspects of my education. Other then that, Game Design is really fun. Video Games consist of so many different things and aspects and Game Design is basically the foundation of what makes a Game well, a Game. It is a bit of an try and error process, alot of writing, figuring things out, testing them and for sure and team effort. But it’s an very, very creative thing to do, which doesn’t really get stale and just, seeing an game idea slowly come together is such an rewarding and fun feeling. Of course it doesn’t always work out, you’ll always have to keep in mind that things have to get scrapped and reworked alot but the result will just be better in the end then. In general, it is a bit of an vague thing because there are so many different aspects to it and Game Design, or the Game Designers specifically is the person which designs how the game works, what the rules of the games are, the mechanics and so on. They basically work out the idea of the game and the Artists and Programmers bring it into reality. Still, its a very fun and creative thing to do, it’s never really the same and if you do enjoy video games and have a curiosity for how Games are made in general, then I would say it’s definetely worth considering it.

[franeridart]

Where you going for a shark girl and lava boy mirror for the kids

Nope, they were based on Bakugou and Kirishima themselves. Now the real question is, has Horikoshi based Kirishima and Bakugou on shark boy and lava girl? That’s a question I got no answer to, though.

Anon said:That smiling Sero... my heart... can’t take it. You contribute so much to the BNHA fandom... I appreciate you, I appreciate you so much. Thank you, it’s great, all of it is so good

I wouldn’t say I contribute much at all, honestly lol just doodles, but I’m glad you like them! :D

Anon said:Jeez-la-wheeze

...?

Anon said:The comic strip of Baku exposing Kiri's black roots made my day. I now use it too cheer me up.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! glad people are still somehow finding that one hahaha 

Anon said:I'm. So. That comic w the kids was so lovely it's one of my fave things EVER I love how u portrayed them it was so so perfect but. I ran out of tags for the first time bc I was rambling about it so much. That's. how much I love it bless u for my life jfghjghfj

;O; thank you so so much!!!!!! I’m super glad you liked it that much!!! ;A;

Anon said:I LOVE SEEING THE KIDS HELL YEAH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D glad to hear that!!!

Anon said:I feel like That one meme comic would fit the Baku and Kiri fam well the one where someone would swear and the other person with cover the ears of the innocent with a >:O face then the innocent would swear and >:O would beat he crap out of the peep who taught them

Lmao but to be fair considering how Mitsuki is and how Bakugou turned out, I would find it hard to believe if at least one of the kids didn’t end up swearing haha

Anon said:Hi!!! I love your art so much and I just want to wish you happy holidays!!!!

Thank you!!!!! I hope you’ll have great holidays too!!!

Anon said:I really like the kid characters you created they are really cool! (In your opinion which kid is closer to kiri and Baku? I have a mini head cannon about it but I would like to know your thoughts!!) I would love to see more of them when ever you feel in the mood to draw them!! :) love all of you work you are consistent and talented and I really enjoy checking your page to see all the new art you post!!

Thank you for liking them!!!! And hmmmmmmmmmmm let’s say that Mako’s closer to Kiri and Tai to Baku, but not by much - a bit because Mako’s a high energy type of kid and Kiri has energy to spare always, a bit because Tai is the quiet type and Baku’s good at keeping him busy and entertained with things in his comfort zone, but also because back when they adopted Mako Bakugou was... really scared he would fuck it up so Mako ended up growing closer to Kiri first, and because when they adopted Tai Baku was the only one he for sure wasn’t gonna accidentally hurt with his quirk so he grew closer to Baku first. Bakugou’s also better at keeping calm and working out what’s the problem when the kids cry (surprisingly) (Kirishima more often than not ends up crying with them) so since Tai gets easily overwhelmed he seeks him out often - ah well, in general they’re all really close, but, yeah. This is how it is.

Anon said:Were those Kirishimas scars???

They were! I came up with the design after he got hurt but before Hori implied he got no permanent damage, so Rappa’s fight influenced it!

Anon said:YOU DREW MORE KIDS OMG IM FUCKING DYING. IM CRYING. YOU MADE MY NIGHT. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THESE KIDS YOU CREATED AND THIS AU I'M SO GLAD TO SEE MORE OF THEM THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOU'RE A BLESSINGGGGG!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Anon said:I did ask how the kids were doing!! Yay I love seeing them! They're great!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! glad to know I didn’t imagine that ask then hahaha

Anon said:I just noticed that Bakugou is playing with Kirishima's foot in that one photo where he's just talking to help keep Kiri's mind off Bad Shit, and omg it's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen? Just how adorably comfortable and casual they are together and gahhhhh I love them so much

;O; glad you caught and liked that!!!

Anon said:not to be controversal but uhh do you like mp100 or are you full bnha :0

lmao I’m the furthest thing from full bnha you’re gonna find anon, I’m in way too many fandoms honestly, I just happen to always end up drawing bnha lately lol I did post a couple of mp100 things before, tho they’re p old by now :O

Anon said:Consider - minamomojirou

I still don’t understand minamomo tho :O

Anon said:Dude I'm like...legit in love with your art style it's so GOOD it makes me wanna stare at any of your drawings for like. My whole life

*sobs* thank you so much???? ;;;;;

Anon said:The sad paramores make me sad. ;-;

I’m sorry ;-; (.......... that was sort of they purpose tho :0)

Anon said:Idk if this is weird or not, but I love how you draw feet. Like they looks so nice? And I just??? Is it odd to think someone draws feet nice?

I don’t think it’s odd at all! Thank you!!! :D

Anon said:i have a hc that kirishima is from a foster home and at some point fatgum finds this out and is like 'this child is mine now ' and adopts him. he even gets permission to come to the dorms and ask kiri for permission only to watch the mofo cartwheel down the hallway and crash into a wall yelling 'IVE GOT A DAD' happy hugs ensue

That a good headcanon!!!! A pure one!!!! A warm one!!!!! We do know he’s at least got a mom, tho :0

Anon said:Your art always puts a little smile on my face and brightens my day up! Thank you for sharing it with us :)

!!! Thank you for liking it!!!!

Anon said:Hello! I'm not sure if you remember, but a couple weeks ago I asked you about your process making comics! I finally had time to sit down and draw following a similar procedure you described, deciding to start drawing my ideas out on a huge canvas like you do, and I'm AMAZED at how much easier it is to draw on a huge canvas rather than trying to figure out how to lay out panels on individual smaller pages. Thank you so much for explaining your procedure, it helped me out a lot and I-- (1/2)

-- ended up making a comic that I'm actually pleased with for once! (2/2)

OHHHHHHHHHH you’re most welcome!!!!! I’m so glad to hear that actually helped you out!!!!!! :D !!!!!!!

Anon said:The way you seem to have so much fun drawing has inspired me to start drawing, too! I'm pretty shit at it atm but I keep thinking about this thing you said one tine about how it's awesome how one creates something out of nothing when one draws (no matter what the drawing looks like), and that helps me go on! So!! Thanks!!!!!

IT’S TRUE!!!! IT’S AMAZING!!!! YOU’RE AMAZING!!!!!!! I hope you’re having as much fun with your art as you can manage, anon!!!!! *O*

Anon said:Your bakusquad doodles give me life, who do you consider to be the Squad Mom out of the lot?

.....................it’s Bakugou, isn’t it (and thank you so much!!)

Anon said:Ah! I love all your art (even the fandoms I'm not a part of and all your OCs!) I also really like your headcanons and opinions so I have a quick question: Do you have any specific or persisting (as I'm sure it could change a lot) headcanons on what the BNHA kiddos will look like as pros?

I don’t, actually! :O I do hope Aoyama will do something about the lack of redirectors for his laser to his hands, and I ALSO would love for Kaminari to get some close-range weapon (anything metal would work for him, really, but I’ve been thinking tonfas lately 👀), but aside from that I’m all up in Horikoshi’s hands! I hope he’ll make me see cool updates to Bakugou’s costume with this new arc, actually :O didn’t get to see him fighting all that much, during the license exam!

Anon said:Hiya! I really like your art and all, and since I'm on mobile, I normally save it in my phone. Is that okay? I don't repost it anywhere at all! I just like keeping it so I can enjoy your art. I really hope you don't mind because I never claim anything against of or use it for unnecessary stuff. Thanks!! 💞💞 also I really love your art like yes

That’s fine by me!!! Thank you for liking my stuff enough to give up archiviation space in your phone for it hahaha

[sapphire-spectre]

I wouldn't want any of your designs even if they are free. Leave the designing to people who are good honey

I havent replied to any of the anon messages ive been getting from this piece of shit because i dont want to feed the fire but holy shit you dont even know me. Like leave me the fuck alone. I can safely say, whoever you are, i have not done shit to you. Like ive been gone from mweor for like a year. I used to design alot before I left, it was and still is one of my passions. Such a passion that it drew me back to become pretty active again. 

Im pretty hella depressed. I dont have any family. I have a restraining order against my mother. Im trying to figure out college and life on my own and I remember how happy I used to be on mweor so I wanted something to pass my free time and ease the stressload of college. I made a free shop because i dont give a fuck about mweor currency. I have a job and money i can buy all the mp I want. Id rather spend 20$ on mweor to host a really nice design competition with great people than spend it on making myself lots of customs since I remember you rudely saying “She doesnt even have customs how is she a designer”

Ive made a shit ton of customs on mweor. And they all live happily in the catteries of various friends because i dont really have a need for them right now. I have one because it was a gift from a dear friend of mine. I have created pairs that people have made from MY designs. I have been designing since the BEGINNING of my time here. 

I remember being one of the people to start the cliche “Mweor families should have a designated designer” I remember when no one gave a shit about designers and I did. I remember having the cringy mweor name “Mockingjay12 Designer Soya” because i was SO PROUD to be the 13 year old designer for the Soya family. I remember amidst all the prestigious breeding families starting up one centered around artists and designers. I have been in this scene for a LONG time. Im sorry i dont meet your standards of being “popular” and “well known” When i actually became confident with my work i was never active enough consistently. Because i dont care about popularity. I care about sharing my work and others as well. I care about designing in general. Im just passionate about it. First thing i did coming back was create a design mentorship program on mweor that i dont think has even been done on a scale larger than a few people. I entered contests and threw myself back in because i love it. 

So long story short id be disgusted to know one of your customs was made by me so please, dont claim one of my designs. Im sure the people who have already posted would be happy to take my “bad” designs off your hands. 

[2claspect4this]

could you please explain the difference betweeen a knight of heart and a knight of breath? im caught between the two aspects; im not sure which i relate to more :// also i am a derse dreamer, if that helps anything

Heart and Breath have quite a few similarities: they share the view that the important things in life are immutable. A person is who they are, and trying to work against it isn’t just futile– it’s unconscionable. The best outcomes for everyone arise when you do what you were born to do. (These aspects are not alone in this opinion, but that’s a topic for another day.)

Before we go further, I should note that this doesn’t necessarily translate to a belief in a god who designs you with all these things in mind, or a single specific soulmate, or the concept of destiny (although if you do believe in any of those things, more power to you!). You can figure that most of your talents are accidents of your upbringing– maybe you enjoy drawing because your parents signed you up for art classes for five years and it’s your escape from the grind of everyday life, not because that was something you were literally put on this Earth to do– but still have that attitude of “I’m good at it, so I’ll do it”. Fate and soulmates and that stuff are fundamentally things that happen to you, and so is the lived experience that has shaped who you are today.

The differences between Heart and Breath appear in the player’s interpretation of this immutability. Heart players see it as a playbook, a guide, a map: they’re driven to find out who they’re supposed to be, and use this knowledge to inform their decisions in life. They assess their responses to different stimuli– colour schemes, temperature ranges, narrative structures– and construct an internal image of themselves that helps them make the right choices for them specifically. This process also describes how they look at other people: their understandings of their friends are primarily defined in terms of all the things that make their friends happy, and therefore what is good for them.

Breath players, on the other hand, aren’t concerned with pinning any of this stuff down at all. They have a general sense of what feels good and what feels right, and beyond that trust goodness to assert itself through whatever agents are around. If you make a mistake somewhere along the line, the chances are that it’s mostly inconsequential, and you can make up for it by doing it better the next time around. When Breath players interact with people, they tend to assume that they are more similar than they are different: everybody likes to have fun, nobody really wants to die, and everything in between doesn’t really matter as long as it doesn’t get in the way of the first two things. There is a certain indifference here, albeit one that makes the Breath player amiable rather than callous. If you don’t really care how other people have their fun, you’re already much friendlier than a lot of people on this planet.

So, summing up: both aspects recognize an incontrovertible order to things. Heart seeks to curate and understand it, Breath goes “that’s neat” and moves on with life. With these similarities and differences in mind, we can look at how they alter the expression of a particular class– in your case, Knight.

Knights’ interactions with their aspects are fairly neat and tidy, at least compared to some of the stuff that other classes get up to. With Knights, it’s all about projecting a persona: a “better self” that lives up to the Knight’s ideals of strength and desirability. Because all peoples’ perceptions are filtered through their aspect, the Knight’s ideal of strength draws heavily from the qualities that their aspect considers vital to a mature person… but it doesn’t necessarily represent those qualities accurately. There is a degree of caricature in the Knight’s conception of their aspect, one that turns what should be their strong suits into what can be pretty severe character flaws.

Although I started this post looking at Heart, I have a stronger idea of what a caricature of a Breath person would look like, so we’ll go with that first. Your Knight of Breath presents themselves as an aloof figure, who doesn’t commit to any path of action or code of conduct but is always game to be silly with other people, even in situations of grave danger. The ideal of strength here is being impossible to lay a finger on: if you’re not there to be hurt, nobody can hurt you. Naturally, this eagerness to play games belies an unwillingness to play the game– to set aside your fears and doubts and actually prove that it doesn’t matter to you who knows your darkest secrets or how much money you have or whatever else you’ve been pretending not to be worried about.

The Knight of Heart, on the other hand, presents a more… directed personality than this. The more gauche among them might declare outright that they don’t care what other people think of them, and publicly insist on doing things their way, then get into a loud and very visible fight when someone points out a flaw in their way of doing things– even if that person was right. A more cerebral Knight of Heart might be quieter about the self-affirmation, but they will still take great pains to ensure that they stick to their guns. They want people to look at them and say, “Say what you will about her, but she has conviction.” The mistake here is confusing a rigidly performed persona for the real deal: an ideology founded on the notion that you should stand up for what you believe in is notably silent on the matter of what it is, exactly, that you should be believing in. It’s acting on the principle of action, rather than acting on principles.

So, we’ve got two caricature/character dynamics here: the Breath player who misses the point of abnegation and tries to use their performed indifference to shelter themselves from doing the things that they pretend not to mind, and the Heart player who misses the point of sincerity and loses themselves in doing the things that they think they should be doing, without pausing to actually get around to thinking about what they should be doing. The next point of order is thinking about the kinds of thought process that could lead there– what kind of self-image could make someone do this?

For Heart, at least, there’s a clear probable cause: not really having a sense of self of your own. If you think of yourself as a wishy-washy, “social chameleon” sort of person, and overcompensate by trying to be as consistent as possible (even if this makes you come across as an asshole sometimes), I can see an unconscious aversion to ever really thinking about who you’re supposed to be taking root and feeding into the hollow intransigence I mentioned earlier.

The caricature of Breath is a little bit harder to pin down, but fortunately for us, we have a canonical example of the opposite thought process to draw on. Karkat, the Knight of Blood, privately always knew that he was inadequate: unable to serve the Alternian empire on account of his hideous mutation, unable to fend for himself in a fight compared to the likes of Vriska and Kanaya, unable to really bring Gamzee to justice for his sins. This drove him to over-perform his passions, in an attempt to convince himself that it was his vehemence and ambition that saw his team succeed in solving the Ultimate Puzzle.

Conversely, our Knight of Breath will fear that they are just the opposite: instead of thinking themselves unable to impress, they might see themselves as overbearing, fundamentally hostile to friendship and goodwill. Expressing any negative emotion could be the seed of their next great failure-- far better to repress it, just in case it drives someone away. Direction does nothing but divide and destroy, thinks the unrealised Knight of Breath, not realising that sometimes a mutual goal is one of the greatest bonding experiences a group can have.

And there we have it: the Knight of Breath and the Knight of Heart, assessed in terms of their points of contrast with each other. I hope you found this informative!

[argonapricot]

all of them

ALEX THERE ARE TWO HUNDRED OF THESE PLS

200: My crush’s name is: Nupur199: I was born in: is this asking for time or place198: I am really: too tired to be dealing with this rn197: My cellphone company is: verizon I think196: My eye color is: brown. like 20% hazel-ish if you squint195: My shoe size is: 9 1/2194: My ring size is: uh193: My height is: 5′5″192: I am allergic to: capital pi191: My 1st car was: lol190: My 1st job was: working as a Hebrew teacher? That is. Still my job.189: Last book you read: Invisible Man for school, Adaptation by Melinda Lo outside of it, and I’m currently working on a book written about Tolkien.188: My bed is: A CASTLE IT’S THE BEST BED OKAY187: My pet: Sasha and Maya, the bestest cats186: My best friend: “””””””””””””””””you”””””””””””””””””” that’s a lie it really is you

185: My favorite shampoo is: I use Pantene but like. I don’t really think of shampoo in terms of favorites?184: Xbox or ps3: what are those183: Piggy banks are: c u t e182: In my pockets: money, quarters, this one teabag that I keep forgetting to do anything with, and occasionally small wrappers.181: On my calendar: your birthday!180: Marriage is: classy179: Spongebob can: sponge the bobs but can he rob the mobs?178: My mom: a great and good and amazing mom177: The last three songs I bought were? Three individual movements of Johan de Meij’s Lord of the Rings symphony176: Last YouTube video watched:175: How many cousins do you have? 4174: Do you have any siblings? 1173: Are your parents divorced? nope172: Are you taller than your mom? yup171: Do you play an instrument? DO I EVER170: What did you do yesterday? sure as heck not any calculus homework[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: I thought I did, until yesterday 3168: Luck: Yeah?167: Fate: I mean idk166: Yourself: “””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””sure””””””””””””””””””””””165: Aliens: I believe in the possibility, I’ve never pretended to know!164: Heaven: I wish I did more than I do163: Hell: nah162: God: *waves my hands in a squiggly agnostic way* not in like a biblical sense but in a unifying connect-y energy in everything idk161: Horoscopes: I mean I believe in them as concepts like. They exist. That’s a thing. I don’t buy into them but I like them all the same.160: Soul mates: 159: Ghosts: nnnnnah158: Gay Marriage: HELL YEAH157: War: not in so many words156: Orbs: what155: Magic: the elf sitting in my computer says yes[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs153: Drunk or High: drugs are bad152: Phone or Online: Are these mutually exclusive? Online151: Red heads or Black haired: BOTH I mean red heads bc maedhros but I find both very attractive150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes all the way149: Hot or cold: how cot or how cold?148: Summer or winter: mmmeh147: Autumn or Spring: autumn!146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla!145: Night or Day: night as a concept, day as a time when I’m awake144: Oranges or Apples: apples. unless we’re talking clementines or mandarins here in which case...143: Curly or Straight hair: shrug?142: McDonalds or Burger King: I only eat organic kale cubes141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate what sort of a rigged survey is this (but okay I like all chocolates they are all good and great)

140: Mac or PC: ...............mac139: Flip flops or high heals: neither gross sneakers are good138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: I love how it’s not even pretty and poor but “sweet”, like what kind of asshole would say ugly and rich and have that be an official statement that they make.137: Coke or Pepsi: I don’t like fizzy drinks136: Hillary or Obama: I’m going to cry135: Burried or cremated: planted into a tree134: Singing or Dancing: BOTH133: Coach or Chanel: what does this mean132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are these people131: Small town or Big city: Once upon a time I would’ve said small town, but these past two years I’ve really come into my own as a citygirl.130: Wal-Mart or Target: target ofc129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: uh128: Manicure or Pedicure: I don’t have nails127: East Coast or West Coast: I mean I feel like I kind of have to say east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: my birthday lol christmas is. not a thing. that I celebrate.125: Chocolate or Flowers: I’ve always thought flowers were the cutest, but I’ve also always wanted chocolate the most124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney I guess? I’ve been to neither123: Yankees or Red Sox: what are sports[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: really really fucked up and unfortunate121: George Bush: which george bush120: Gay Marriage: I don’t have specific thoughts on this it’s just a thing that should be a thing that I want to be a thing119: The presidential election: let’s not118: Abortion: I think I would have a hard time getting one personally, but I would never presume to speak for everyone.117: MySpace: sure is a website116: Reality TV: oh you mean the sitcomarillion?115: Parents: parents in general? Or my parents? My parents are the best most understanding loving parents and I’m really lucky to have them114: Back stabbers: “””””pals””””””113: Ebay: a party112: Facebook: I sure don’t use that consistently. I only really made my account to check in with my mom’s account.111: Work: should be FUN AND LIFE ENRICHING WOA110: My Neighbors: a okay109: Gas Prices: priced108: Designer Clothes: designed107: College: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH LETS NOT106: Sports: ew105: My family: I LOVE MY FAMILY104: The future: L E T S  N O T[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: I just hugged Benjamin goodnight a moment ago102: Last time you ate: I had eggs for dinner101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:100: Cried in front of someone: the real question is when is the last time I DIDNT cry in front of someone?99: Went to a movie theater: To see Hidden Figures the day after it came out!!98: Took a vacation: for a given value of “taken”...97: Swam in a pool: I honestly can’t remember96: Changed a diaper: Have I ever changed a diaper?95: Got my nails done: That one and only time at Lena’s birthday party where Elizabeth made me even though I didn’t want to.94: Went to a wedding: I can’t remember right now I’m too tired93: Broke a bone: 7th grade. Clarissa was there.92: Got a peircing: I got my ears pierced in fifth grade?91: Broke the law: I stole a firetruck to go to starbux90: Texted: 500 years ago in Vampire Scotland[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: u88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: I can’t think about this or I will cry87: The last movie I saw: Hidden Figures86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: going to Starbucks85: The thing im not looking forward to: calculus examinations84: People call me: Buttermay83: The most difficult thing to do is: answer all these questions in one go82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: what’s driving81: My zodiac sign is: capricorn!80: The first person i talked to today was: My cat?79: First time you had a crush: You already know this leave me alone78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: sometimes you and sometimes Benjamin but mostly JRR Tolkien77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: that time you said “I want an oreo” in class today76: Right now I am talking to: my own exhaustion75: What are you going to do when you grow up: gay marry74: I have/will get a job: what is this even asking73: Tomorrow: Thursday72: Today: Wednesday71: Next Summer: pre-college screaming70: Next Weekend: pre your birthday excitement!69: I have these pets: Sasha and Maya, the bestest cats68: The worst sound in the world: Dr. Propst67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Uzuki Kakinuma66: People that make you happy: lots of people, you know the people65: Last time I cried: :}64: My friends are: the actual absolute best friends in the world63: My computer is: trying its best62: My School: has a fire microwave GK GK WE ALL WE GOT61: My Car: what’s a car60: I lose all respect for people who: are in robotics59: The movie I cried at was: the singular movie???? who does this survey think I am?58: Your hair color is: dark brown!57: TV shows you watch: the Uzuki Files56: Favorite web site: mspadventures obviously55: Your dream vacation: to middle earth yes hello54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I last gave birth to my uterus and almost died53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare?52: My room is: smallish, messish, comfy51: My favorite celebrity is: Yuna Kim50: Where would you like to be: in bed49: Do you want children: we’ve discussed this. I go back and forth48: Ever been in love: ye47: Who’s your best friend: this was literally already asked46: More guy friends or girl friends: what are guys45: One thing that makes you feel great is: not having to answer 200 questions in a row44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Uzuuuuuuuki43: Do you have a 5 year plan: nnnnnup42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: we started one at least?41: Have you pre-named your children: HAVE I EVER40: Last person I got mad at: horst39: I would like to move to: bed38: I wish I was a professional: bed. I mean artist[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: Reeses36: Vehicle: bus35: President: Guiney34: State visited: California sounds so cliche but. I mean.33: Cellphone provider: idc32: Athlete: Yuna Kim31: Actor: *mumbleslumbles*30: Actress: too many to choose from help29: Singer: selena gomez obvious28: Band: selena gomez and the slene27: Clothing store: my mom’s closet26: Grocery store: Publix25: TV show: Galavant, Stranger Things, Community in the earlier seasons...24: Movie: I watched Boy Meets Girl lately and it was Fantastic23: Website: fernferction.dert.nert22: Animal: snow leopard21: Theme park: harry potter. world.20: Holiday: Tubishvat19: Sport to watch: ice skating18: Sport to play: night tennis17: Magazine: Elves Weekly16: Book: let’s not open this can of worms I need to go to bed15: Day of the week: tuesday14: Beach: all beaches are great13: Concert attended: Midori performing the Mendelssohn left a really lasting impression on me forever12: Thing to cook: eggs11: Food: eggs10: Restaurant: Tuk Tuk Thai Loft 9: Radio station: GPB OBVIOUSLY8: Yankee candle scent: wat7: Perfume: no6: Flower: azalea5: Color: jewel tones4: Talk show host: Stephen Colbert3: Comedian: andrew hussie2: Dog breed: cats1: Did you answer all these truthfully? of course

I hope this satisfies u u hellspawn

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels

[topicprinter]

I wrote this as a means of getting it out of my head. Im hoping it gives me both insight into my situation and hopefully some therapeutic reprieve. Sharing now as Im curious the outcome for others who have been through something similar.I've been running my business for over 4 years now and am about $50k shy of hitting the $1M in revenue marker(total not annual). I'm happy I've been able to make it four years, make some money but truthfully, I hate my business and I don't know what to do next. The euphemism that speaks the most to me right now is that fact that I don't own a business - it owns me. The idea of taking vacation stresses me out, the idea of getting married next month stresses me out, the idea of a honeymoon or really anything where I'm supposed to “take a break” just freaks me right out.First off, a little about my business. Digital Marketing. I'm a mix between a consultant and an agency - meaning I have no staff but a lot of contractors. My background is in banking, but I've always dabbled in building my own sites and doing basic SEO. When I finally got out of banking (soul-sucking), I wanted to really invest into my digital skillset, so I hammered a bunch of different agencies in town and eventually got picked up by a development shop. I started in sales, performed well and after about two years, got into Project Management as I thought that would lend better to running my own show one day. In retrospect, it was chaos. Very little process, most projects were over budget, staff was burnt out and it was usually quite tense. That said, I did enjoy it and it felt like how it was supposed to be. I eventually left because I learned I cared more about what happened after launch, than the launch itself - like what good is a new design if it doesn't sell more of your shit?Within my first 3~ months, I had 3 clients and had largely replaced my income in revenue.One thing from the start that could have made my life easier was specializing. I didn’t focus in on a specific niche or a service. I did local, SEO, PPC, email, analytics, landing pages, copywriting - and Id do it for anyone I wanted to work for based on a feeling. Within my first year, I had enough clients that my role turned into Account Manager, Sales and Project Management and I had to build out a remote team of contractors. It was and continues to be interesting.I was good at a couple of things to make this happen: building trust, trusting my intuition and work ethic. I did turn away a lot of clients. I knew a snake when I saw one and I knew when I was a good fit. In my four years, I've been fired twice, once shortly after year one and another one in February of this year. I had always been very proud of that due to the reputation of our industry, however, the one in February stung...a lot. I did a lot of work for them during that time, and when I signed them, were my second largest retainer to date. They were tough to manage as they were a small scrappy, first time entrepreneurs but the platform was there to make a big splash. I made such a splash, and while it wasn’t always graceful - it fuckin worked and I was stoked. We closed the year extremely well and I felt extremely proud of what we had accomplished. Then I lost the contract and was offered to retain about 15% of it.This definitely rocked my world a little bit. To work so hard and grow a business so much, just to have it all taken away. I was and still am bummed - but this loss is part of why I'm reflecting now and I'm confident the outcome will be worth the struggle.Through these four years - I suffered consistently from imposter syndrome. I didn't feel *great* at any of the services and there was a lot of them. It was also tough to manage quality with contractors as everyone had a varying skillset, reliability, and attitude.That said, I did some amazing work for good local businesses. Took on a few big eCommerce projects and one massive global communications project for a combination of the Department of Defense and a specific States local tourism authority. My fear/imposter syndrome was often under wraps by the words of affirmations I got from the people I worked with. They seemed to think I knew what I was doing - so just keep working hard, research when you're stuck and be honest with people. I am proud of the difference I've made on every account I've worked on - but what I ignored is that I loathe being mediocre at a lot of things.Shit really hit the fan last year when my Dad got sick. Fuck cancer, and I won't open that can of worms. Adding the part-time job of being a care aid to a sick man, managing a business, a puppy and planning a wedding was/is rough. I am reflecting on all of this now, as I’m phasing myself out of a very large eCommerce client ($120-$200k/mo ad spend and a totally separate story) and for the first time in 14 months, I finally feel like I have time to breathe.Right now, I think I'm burnt out of service work...or maybe just burnt out in general. I'm doing too many things to do them really well and require too many people to keep myself sane. I have management problems, process problems, people problems and a new found discontent with someone being able to take the businesses away.When I give myself permission to explore what it means to be burnt out of service work, I wonder what’s on the other side?I see a few options:Specialize and focus on Local - I really do enjoy helping local businesses figure out digital and in my opinion, miles less complicated than sorting out global ecomm and all the fun bells and whistles that come with that. That said, still service work and in order to be something Id want to do, I'd really need to nail down what the services are and how they’re delivered.Start my own eComm - this idea excites me and scares me. I have every skill in the world required to run my own shop; I just don’t have a product. I'd love to build a brand, have people love what we’re up to and love our product. but what product?! Truthfully, I think I'm letting perfectionism stop me here and if I'm going to do it, just starting would be the fastest way rather than finding the perfect product.Get a job - truthfully, this idea sounds almost like a vacation. I’ve had a few normal jobs in my life and I’ve always absolutely crushed them. The idea of showing up at 9am, having someone else tell me what to do, I do it and clock out at 5. I obviously know it’s not always that cut and dry, but the point is, the amount of responsibility I carry diminishes significantly. I don’t decide on the offering, so I don’t need to worry about or question the value, I don’t need to prioritize a rolling task list with hundreds of items. Blah blah blah. That said, I do sacrifice flexibility.The other perk to getting a job again is community. I’ve been flying solo for so long that Im getting lonely and I miss working with people. People to suffer with when shit gets hard. People to celebrate with when you pull it off - just another human in the office to be around.That pretty much feels like the end of my rant. I'm tired and will continue to take advantage of this break to truly reflect on where I want to go next. I know I need to do something different and on the hunt for what that next thing will be. In the meantime, I'm getting married in 41 days and would love to carry this peace of mind leading into that day.That’s all for now.

[julucid]

Feb 18'18 / F8 / Room - Net - Clay

we were stuck, held captives in a room. i dont understand the situation, since there's no real danger, or maybe the thing just didnt show me any at this part of the dream. but we were scared. scared enough not to dare attempt anything. we never saw the outside since the windows were covered with heavy curtains, but it wasnt barred off or covered up with wood so it was basically just down to us not even wanting to touch the windows. i dont understand this dream since as obedient as we were of all these unspoken rules, we beat the shit out if the guy keeping us there. i want so badly to describe him but i cant picture anything human at this point. the last thing i remember about him was that he didnt do anything to harm us and he didnt seem physically threatening. i still cant see a person. idk what happened but we had a chance, and we managed to subdue him or maybe he was sleeping and i kinda feel like he was pretending to be helpless too. like hes just letting us try for the fuck of it to laugh at us. and we turn him into jelly. idk how. but if you reverse the process, he's back into his "harmful" form, which is a handful of beans----jellybelly candy lmao.

i shouldve written this down when i woke up earlier, this and the two other dreams (now fragments :c) but i woke up from a nightmare and i tried to deal with it like all the usual nightmares, try to forget it instantly. and i especially didnt want to touch this fucking recent one cause it had a similar theme as the last log, and its something to do with Glenn dying. and i still dont know how my dreams work whether or not they're just that, passing dreams, or fucking next level warnings, i dont even want to fucking figure that shit out. but its been mostly of him in his younger self too. idk if i should feel better for that.

the guy i heard him laughing but it wasnt clear, like it was just an echo in my head. and we already melted him down to liquid jelly, and i think we screwed up and missed a step or did it in a wrong time. and we were panicking cause we didnt know what else to do and sooner or later he would come back and idk its back to feeling vulnerable.

//// ////

im in a different room, i could see the outside now. theres dust all over the furniture and some of them smelled musty and looked like they were rotting, so i thought i was in an abandoned building. by the look its surroundings, i guessed a factory. i was with someone else i didnt know who it was at first, it all happened so fast. theres been so much that happened before this and i know we were just escaping, so i thought it was somehow connected to the first dream.

i looked outside the window with broken glass shards stuck to it and i saw young glenn, with a bunch of other kids. they look like they were in 2nd grade elementary. they were in a building were the walls werent there---maybe it was unfinished, or it was in the middle of getting torn down. they were in one of those rooms without a wall, and the only thing keeping them from falling was this metal thing. it looks like a bug screen except the squares "holes" were as big as the volleyball net square spaces. so they were all pressing their faces against it. idk what they were trying to achieve but the kids were pushing outwards by slamming their bodies against the metal screen. i didnt like the way they did it with no expressions on their faces, as if they meant to get hurt. and glenn didnt seem like he wanted to do the same thing--they surrounded him, keeping him trapped in the very middle, the first to fall. and they did fall. i saw the screen bend and bend until whatever it was keeping it nailed on to the building gave in.

i dont know how i was able to see this as if i had a telescope aimed at them, but once they fell, it zoomed back out and i couldnt see what was going on. but i did know that they didnt hit the ground. SOMEHOW, the metal screen caught them all hanging in the air. but what terrified me is that they all stopped moving, and i swore i saw their skin changed to a darker purple.

next thing i know ive already crawled out another broken window, my clothes were torn and there was a wet feeling on the side of my stomach. the guy that was with me was already ahead, idk how he got out before me when i was through the window first. we were in the second floor of the building and there was this wall we had to climb down. on the top of it were these barbed wires, but they had a weird look to them. they were white, not shiny silver, and for some reason we knew they werent sharp but mere elastic plastic. he went through first, going under 2 layers of barb wires. and thats when i noticed his face, its GLENN but he was his current age now. i didnt think about it too much and just followed. i thought climbing through the wires would take longer so i just took a hoodie that i didnt even know i had. put it it on top of the wires and let my body sit on it and just fall down. the wires bended like rubber like i knew it would. and i was on the floor. its a busy street. i saw a couple of people in the distance and i was crying now. i couldnt even talk i kept yelling help me help me as best as i could with my sharp breaths. they were laughing and was caught off guard and they hesitated and i never really saw them get up to move. but i knew that they wouldve figured it out too late. i saw the building that the younger glenn and the kids were still hanging lifelessly. they were so far. so so so far and my knees were already tired. i felt my breathing slow down and i thought my heart stopped beating as well. i didnt know i was still saying help me repeatedly and i forced myself to wake up.

//// ////

i dont remember falling back asleep cause i know i woke up hearing glenn laughing, probably playing fortnite but i know i wouldnt have dared to go back to sleep after that shit

im outside i didnt get the chance to look around and observe since i was busy. i think its a school function since everyone was wearing black uniforn and i wore a long pleated skirt with a button up shirt. theres an event going on, everyone else is outside and they're all crowded up where theres hardly any space to see where you're walking. i was in the very edge of that group, surrounded by a smaller seperate group of people. im sitting down and theres a small, low, square shaped table in front of me. the stool was pretty short too so everyone around me, towered over, blocking the sun light. i couldnt tell if i was selling, or just showcasing my stuff, but i had these clay art. i think they were also edible cause i remember thinking of them as cookies--but they looked like normal playdo consistency. they were neon colored and i remember them mostly being circle and rectangle shaped, size of playing cards, flat, but the designs were like tiny paintings. the first portion of the dream was pretty calm, i forgot what happened with the other dreams and i was even almost entirely happy. i saw familiar faces from school and people i havent talked to in a while, and we chatted like we were actually catching up with our irl lives through the dream.

after i while it was time to pack up. and i think i was either giving away the rest for free, or selling them for sale to finish up fast. but not even 5 minutes after i just finished saying that, theres already been a handful of people from the crowd who snatched them up and left without even awknowledging me. i got so mad that i ended up throwing a tantrum in ways that could only be possible in dreams, i was flipping cars that werent there and i think i even had a full tub of popcorn in my hand idk how tf it got there or why there were even any and i was just throwing the popcorn at peoples faces. i was cursing everyone forgot what i said by now lmaooo but i remember the feeling of my throat, punching out each and every one of those words. and i think it was along the lines of whats the point, like why did i even take the time to make those clayartcookies and then just left the rest on the table.

the end parts of the dream was me walking away crying-- couldnt even see shit in front of me so i found myself walking up the stairs (it was like a floor of a neighborhood streets and above is even more neighborhood streets?) and this one guy that was in the group saw everything and was trying to cheer me up. he kept on going on and on, and i dont know why he didnt give up. half of the dream was me listening to him try to re-motivate me or just to get a smile out of me. i got so guilty that he was putting up so much effort in the dream---it mustve only lasted a moment irl, but it felt like hours of him walking up the stairs with me. i just woke up cause that was the only i knew he would stop and be free lmao.