#stevie wonder could see it but i digress

[turtle-steverogers]

hii, it's the unsent project anon again!! sometimes i think about steve. instead of going back in time for yk, he goes back in time to see his mother again. and has a dance with his mother because he never got to before for several reasons. it would be more rocking from foot to foot than anything else. and steve can barely see through his clumped up lashes from the tears while she strokes the side of his head before cradling it (its a bit of a stretch because he is all big and healthy now) while muttering, "my stevie, my boy" and steve just grins "it's me, ma".

(he would come back after spending some time with her, with a heavy heart but still)

was thinking about this at like 3 in the morning

anon i genuinely think you're trying to murder me lakjdflksjfaskdjflksf

anyway i wrote another fic

-

There are extra white jackets in the back closet, and Steve steals one that’s approximately his size, despite the shoulders being a bit too tight. Pants are a little harder to come by, but he manages to find a pair that look like they’ll fit him in some poor chap’s locker. He tugs them on, grimacing at the way they hug his thighs and fall only to his ankles. They’ll have to do.

He’d already scoped out the hospital the night before-- he knows she’s on the third floor in a private ward. Good, he thinks. She deserves it, if nothing else.

He is focused as he moves through the halls, head down as he passes other nurses. There’s a clipboard discarded on a table near the children’s ward and he swiftly picks it up, squinting at it. He doesn’t process any of the words on the page, but his act seems sound, because nobody stops him.

He makes it to the stairwell at the end of the hall, pushes open the door and takes the steps two at a time. The smell is one that is achingly familiar-- the walls grey and hazy. The air seems thicker, the lights yellow and dim. And though he’s been removed from the past for over a decade, it still feels like home. Like normal. His normal.

But he does not belong anymore, and he will not stay. He’s already been a ghost once. He’s hesitant to be one again.

Especially now, when he is out there somewhere. Most likely in the shitty tenement he shared with Bucky, but also possibly at the grocer he worked at, his ma’s telegram in his pocket. Savoring the bits of her that he could salvage with the knowledge he’d never see her again, even while she’s alive.

Closure has been something Steve always felt he lacked. But he’s seen hell now-- lived in its fiery pits for more years than he can count. He can take some goddamn closure for himself.

The third floor is nearly vacant. No one is in the hallway when Steve steps out of the stairwell, but he can hear voices in the rooms that line the sides. Coughs echo ominously off the walls, and Steve’s toes curl in his shoes, a brief wave of anxiety washing over him. He hadn’t missed these hospitals, and he’d hoped to never deliberately step foot in one again. But this is necessary. This is worth it.

He walks swiftly towards the end of the hall where the private wards are and stops in front of the first room. The name next to the door is incorrect, so he continues on until he sees it, heart stopping in his chest, then speeding up enough to make his lungs tighten.

Sarah Rogers-- TB. Alternative uniform required.

Steve closes his eyes against the blood rushing from his head. He wants to tell himself it’s been so long since he’s felt this detached from reality-- this out of place in a space that should feel so familiar-- but it hasn’t. The feeling, he’s realizing, never truly left him when he woke up from the ice, and the reverse here is strange.

And there’s something even stranger about reconciling this, because he’d lost his ma far before he’d ever died. This grief is an old wound-- one that’s scabbed over only to bleed circumstantially. He’d grown used to living with this particular, bone deep pain. He isn’t sure if he’s here to lance that, or if he’ll walk away with a deeper wound. He isn’t sure it matters, either.

He pushes open the door.

The room is lit with natural light. There is a desk with a vase and a water pitcher on it, along with a few medicine bottles and a tissue box. The bed is pressed against the far wall, the covers barely disturbed save for the frail figure that lies in it.

Sarah turns her head and looks at Steve.

Steve’s world stops.

He hadn’t seen his ma when she was this ill. His last memories of her are of when she was healthy-- cheeks red and full of life, eyes alight with an optimism he still valiantly tries to uphold. Life had not been kind to Sarah Rogers, but she was the kindest soul Steve had ever known, even in the shadow of his father’s violence.

Is, he corrects himself as he looks at her. She is the kindest soul. She’s there. She’s right there.

She’s right there, and she looks weak. She is gaunt and frail, eyes sunken in and cheekbones sharp against papery looking skin. There’s an exhaustion in the lines of her young face that Steve recognizes as the long standing effects of illness-- your body praying to be done fighting while your mind begs otherwise.

Steve resists the urge to turn and run.

Sarah’s face does something strange as she looks at Steve, and he realizes that he’s been standing there for longer than would be normal for a nurse-- shell shocked and silent. She opens her mouth to say something, then stops, eyes widening as she seems to process what she’s looking at. Or who she’s looking at, most likely.

A wizened hand comes up to cover her mouth and she gasps, fear flashing through her eyes and no, no, no--

Fuck, he’d thought of this. He’d had a fucking plan for this, but he can’t remember it now and he really doesn’t want his ma calling security on him, because he has so much to say, and--

“Ma,” he says frantically, taking an aborted step forward. She shies away and he stops, hands flexing at his sides. “Ma, it’s me. I swear it’s me, I can explain.”

Sarah looks suddenly furious. “This is not funny, young man. I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave this instant.”

Fuck, her voice. Her goddamn voice, as weak as it is now, still has the same strong cadence. The subtle Irish twang. And fuck, Steve can’t help it. He bursts into tears.

“Fuck,” he says, falling to his knees. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think he could stomach the weight of everything that’s happened since he last saw her-- handle standing in front of her with blood on his hands, underneath his fingernails. In his goddamn soul. What would she even think of him now?

He sobs, biting down on a knuckle to keep silent, his other arm going around his stomach. It’s how he used to cry when he was much younger, and more frantic, and that seems to convince Sarah more than anything.

“Steven?” she says. She sounds incredulous. Damnit, she probably thinks she’s hallucinating. Steve had hallucinated a couple times when he was ill enough and his fever was high. Mostly his father, but he’ll digress.

He looks up, and he can barely see her through the tears that clump on his eyelashes. Sarah’s face does something complicated, then softens, and she reaches out a hand. Steve looks at it and sobs harder.

“Oh, Stevie. My boy, come here,” she says, because maybe he is a goddamn hallucination, but her instinct was always to comfort those in pain. She was a nurse, after all.

Steve is goddamn helpless.

He manages to get to her bedside, chest heaving as he buries his face in her stomach.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs. “It’s me, ma. I promise it’s me. I can explain, I swear.”

“I don’t doubt that you can explain,” Sarah says sternly, and fuck, he’d missed her chastising him. He can’t help it, he laughs, breathless and watery. “What happened to you? Why are you--” Big. Healthy. “Steven, you can’t be in here. I’m highly contagious.”

Steve shakes his head. “Don’t matter. I can’t get sick.” And oh, his accent is back. He hasn’t had one in years. Decades. A goddamn century.

Sarah lets out a strangled laugh that quickly turns into coughing, and Steve briefly wonders how close she is to death. She died in Winter, and it is sometime in Fall right now. Close then, he thinks. He hugs her harder as the coughing dies down.

“A stór, do you hear yourself? You had pneumonia last Summer.”

Summer. Last Summer. In this world, it had only been a mere few months without her. A fresh wave of grief washes over Steve, and then he can’t help another laugh, then another, and suddenly he’s cracking up into her stomach. Laughing like the insane man he feels he often is.

Sarah freezes, then reaches out to lift his face, their eyes meeting. His laughing stops. She gasps again.

“It really is you,” she murmurs, thumbs moving to the outside corners of his eyes, where there are two identical freckles. Little stars, she used to call them.

Steve offers her a brave smile. “Yeah, ma. It is.”

Sarah shakes her head. “What happened?” she asks again.

“I… so much,” Steve breathes. “I don’t know how to explain it all. I-- I don’t know where to start, but god, I just wanted to see you. I needed to see you.”

Sarah studies his face. “You’re so tired,” she says, thumb stroking his eye again. He leans into the touch, closing his eyes. His lip trembles.

“So tired,” he agrees.

“You don’t need to tell me everything,” Sarah says. “I’m not sure I want to know. But I just… Steven, you look so different.”

Steve laughs, wiping at his eyes. “In a few years, there’s a war,” he says. Blunt-- they’d always been so straightforward with each other. “A scientist-- god, please don’t be mad-- a scientist offered, or… offers? Offered me an opportunity, and I took it.”

“Of course you did,” Sarah murmurs, looking fond and angry despite. She seems to set that train of thought aside. “Germany?” and oh, right. It’s already been in the news, the new reign.

“Yeah.”

Sarah hums. “My dear, you look like you’ve seen more than just war.”

Just war. As if any war was just anything.

As if his war ever truly stopped.

He casts his gaze down.

“Yeah,” he says again, and he thinks of Bucky, who’s also yet to come home from the war. Bucky, who is probably somewhere at the docks right now, untouched by anything but insecurity and financial hell. He desperately wishes they both can soon. This visit, he hopes, will bring him one step closer.

Sarah must read his mind, because her face clouds over.

“Bucky…?”

“Survives,” Steve says quickly, then backtracks. “Kind of. We both kind of died, then came back to life in the future and--” Sarah looks horrified now, and Steve shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. He’s alive. We’re together.”

“Alright,” Sarah says slowly. “As long as you’re together.”

Steve nods, and fuck, he wishes he could have brought Bucky, too. Sam as well-- showed his ma his new friends. The brave new family he’s made for himself. The thought has his eyes swimming again, and he screws up his face, trying not to cry. He’s a goddamn mess. It’s ridiculous.

“I must admit, I’m quite confused,” Sarah says. “And sweetheart, you’re not talking.”

Steve shakes his head, and her arms come around him. He melts into the hold-- savors the feeling. Memorizes the pressure, her smell, and pockets it away for later.

“I just missed you so much is all,” he croaks. “And I-- ma… I’ve done so much. I’ve hurt so many people. Killed so many people, and I still feel so lost, and everything hurts and oh Christ, I’ve just-- I miss you.”

He had sworn to himself, before coming in, that he wouldn’t unload any of this onto her. But her warmth is all encompassing, and he craves her comfort. Her approval. Her strong, sure tone telling him everything will be okay.

That he will be okay. He has to be. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s not.

“Lord’s name,” Sarah murmurs, and Steve huffs another laugh. She runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t know how any of this is possible, but I do know you, dearheart. And I know that you are a good person. A gentle person-- my gentle boy, if you’d had a choice, you wouldn’t have chosen violence. But you know more than anyone how mean the world can be. You might have had to make hard decisions, done bad things, but you, Steven, are not bad.”

Steve’s lips part. It doesn’t fix everything, the words-- it barely scrapes the surface of the wall of pain and guilt that suffocates him. But for a moment, the world seems clearer. Quieter. The ache in his chest lanced for one, freeing breath.

“Ma…” Steve says. He doesn’t know how to thank her-- what to say-- because here she is, offering him warmth and closure, even though she might still think he’s nothing but a figment of her imagination. He craves her compassion; her generosity. Swears to uphold it as best he can.

You always stand up, she once told him. He will still, he thinks. He always will. And he will now.

He’ll go home to his family-- his life-- and goddamn live finally. He’s been surviving for so long, he realizes. It’s about damn time for him to stand up and live.

“You’ve still got the same heart,” Sarah continues. She pokes his freckles again. “I can see it in your eyes.”

Steve lifts a hand to cover hers. Her hands are as soft as they always were and he turns his face to kiss her knuckles, then leans forward to kiss her cheek, eyes closing as memories of doing that before running off to school or to play flash through his mind. She smells faintly of vanilla. He wonders if she still dabs it behind her ears.

“Thank you,” he says. “Thank you, ma. I love you. I love you so much-- thank you for being there for me. For raising me, and loving me.”

Sarah hugs him. Outside the room, there are voices; shuffling. He needs to go. The window is open, and they’re only three floors up.

“Loving you is the easiest thing that I’ve ever done,” Sarah says. She looks at the door. The voices are closer now. She kisses his forehead. Another echo of a life long gone. “Go now, Steven. Go home.”

Steve looks at her one last time, drinking in the love in her eyes. And as he climbs out the window, the too-tight doctor’s coat ripping around the shoulder seams, he can’t help but think that he’d gotten her eyes right whenever he’d painted her.

Her love won’t be something so easily forgotten.

-

Bucky catches him before he can collapse as he reappears on the launch pad. He lowers them to the ground, cradling Steve’s head with and letting him practically climb into his lap as he weeps, overwhelmed.

After a few minutes, he pulls back. Bucky’s watching him, concerned, and Steve leans in to gently kiss him.

“Steve?” Bucky asks, wary as they pull apart. He reaches out to swipe some tears off Steve’s cheeks.

Steve shakes his head. “It’s fine, I’m fine,” he says. “All the stones are back-- everything’s okay. It’s over. It’s all over.”

Relief washes over Bucky’s face and he kisses Steve, smiling. “Oh god,” he murmurs. “Thank god.”

Steve wraps his arms around his neck, humming in agreement. Sam and Bruce are somewhere-- Steve can hear them talking-- but it’s distant.

They’re quiet for a long time, breathing in each other. Bucky’s arms feel so goddamn safe that Steve feels his resolve slipping again. He can tell Bucky things. He can be here with him now. Home.

“I went to see her,” he whispers.

Bucky stills where he was previously rocking them lightly.

“Her…” Bucky says, then shifts. “Your ma?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh,” Bucky squeezes him tighter. “How-- how was that? How did she…”

“She was confused. I don’t even know if she knew I was real.”

Bucky pauses, then kisses behind his ear. Steve thinks of vanilla again.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky murmurs.

“No, it was-- good. Needed. I feel… good.”

“That’s so good, honey.”

“She asked about you-- wanted to know if you were, um, alive. I told her you were.”

“Yeah?” Bucky asks, and there’s a small smile on his face now. Bucky had loved Sarah as if she were another mother, and Steve had done the same with Winnifred. It was a privilege to have had both of their protective arms. “What did she say?”

“She said, ‘as long as we’re together’.”

Bucky smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. Steve wants to reach out and touch, so he does, because he can do that now. Bucky is tangible. He is here.

“She’s got a point,” Bucky says. He goes back to rocking them and Steve rests his head on his shoulder. He hears Bucky start to say something, then stop.

“What?” he asks, pulling back.

Bucky studies him. “Did you want to stay?” It isn’t accusatory, just curious, and Steve considers it.

“Maybe a little,” he admits. “Just… instinctively. It’s an opportunity I might have taken up if someone offered it ten years ago, but… I’m a ghost there now, like I was a ghost here, and I don’t want to do that again.” He bites his lip, shaking his head. “I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to.”

Bucky nods, cupping Steve’s cheek and thumbing his jaw affectionately. “I hear you,” he says. “I was just wondering.”

“And besides, my ma told me to go home before I left,” Steve said, cupping Bucky’s cheek in return. “So I did.”

Bucky smiles, and presses their foreheads together.

“We can do that now,” Bucky says. “We can go home. We can rest.”

And there are still things to do-- Steve doesn’t think there ever won’t be things to be done. But that can wait for another day.

“Yeah,” he agrees. He’s grungy, dirt digging in bone deep from the whirlwind of the last few weeks. He smirks, climbing off Bucky’s lap. “But I call first shower.”

Bucky snorts and stands, pulling Steve up.

“Yeah, whatever, asshole.”

Yeah. The world can wait another day.

-

There’s a bottle of vanilla in the spice cabinet. Steve sees it as he’s looking for the cinnamon. The kitchen is empty, but for the first time in years, he knows he’s not alone.

He takes the vanilla out and dabs some onto his fingers, gently rubbing it behind his ears. He closes his eyes, letting the smell wash over him. He can still feel his ma’s arms around him, keeping him warm.

Home. He’s home.

-

thanks for reading yall aflkdjflaksjdf

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Apart from the Faith stuff, which I’ll rant about later, that was a really good episode.

Thank goodness Teddy’s staying in Holby. I love him and with every episode I come to love him more. He’s just so sweet and nice and caring and it’s so refreshing to see because a lot of characters introduced these last couple years have been quite unlikeable.

Milo Clarke was very good tonight, as was Di Botcher, and I don’t know the name of the actress who plays Gaynor but she’s really good too.

Tonight’s episode had an interesting theme of abusive family members. Gaynor’s emotional abuse of Teddy. Dane having been sexually abused by his father. Kayley suffering emotional abuse from Dane because he’d never properly dealt with his trauma. It was a really fascinating watch, especially since with Gaynor and Dane you could see the reasons for their actions yet not excuse it.

Seriously, that patient storyline with Kayley and Dane was really well done. Casualty were more respectful of CSA survivors and how to handle the subject and the fact that that trauma can manifest in ways that cause harm to others in ONE EPISODE than Holby were throughout Henrik’s entire CSA storyline.

The twist of Dane having been abused... I fundamentally disagree with using those sorts of things as a plot twist but the reveal was really well done. It actually had me gasping out loud.

And seriously, it was really nice to see acknowledgement that CSA trauma doesn’t always look like the archetype of the “good victim” - someone who self-isolates and only ever hurts themselves and their trauma is all quiet and gentle and sad and they hardly ever express anger unless it’s Righteous Anger about their abuse etc. I know trauma CAN present like that. And when it’s fitting for the character (e.g. like it was for Mick on EastEnders) it’s perfectly fine to depict it. But when the character has previously been depicted as lashing out at others and being controlling and manipulative because of their trauma, and you rewrite that entirely to make them fit the “good victim” archetype, that’s gross as hell. Yes this is about what Holby did to Henrik, yes I am digressing now, sorry.

The idea behind the storyline was just so interesting. These two kids (Dane seemed to be more of a young adult, but you get the idea) who both have no real idea how to deal with their trauma, or with each other’s trauma. It was great.

Also, I said this earlier, but seriously, Gaynor really reminds me of another Holbyverse parent but I can’t figure out who. Anyone got any idea who she’s similar to?

Elsewhere - HR Holly is great. I love her, she’s really nice and the actress is very good and she has an interesting story too. Can we PLEASE make her a regular character instead of Faith?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the producers of this show, keeping Faith around and asking us to see her as a good person when she was emotionally abusive to and tried to fucking rape her husband. (And that’s not even getting into how nasty she was to Dylan too, manipulating him into thinking she loved him when she actually just wanted to use him for revenge on Lev...)

And don’t even get me started on Faith’s line about how “usually the allegations are the other way around!” (regarding Matthew falsely accusing Stevie of harassment). Like, that was legitimately CHILLING. She’s such an awful person and I hate her so much. Makes you wonder if what she was thinking in that moment was that she was glad Lev was gone and could never press charges against her...

Speaking of which, the show continuing to slag Lev off even now that he’s fucking dead is disgusting. Nothing more to say on that.

It’s a shame - an episode that was otherwise so good, and so good about the themes of abuse in particular, still asking us to see Faith as a sympathetic, kind, person. Look, we all know why she’s so invested in protecting Stevie from Matthew’s allegations, and it’s not because she actually cares about her falsely accused friend - it’s because she’s imagining if she had to face consequences for her own, real, sexual misconduct. She’d still be sticking by Stevie even if the allegations were true because that’s just the type of person she is.

Honestly, Faith reminds me so much of the woman who groomed me. I know I’ve said it before but it’s true - the way she’ll act like her exact behaviour is fine from herself, or from other women, but terrible (as it truly is, of course) if it comes from a man... ugh. The worst thing is Faith is actually a very accurate portrayal of an abuser.

The show just doesn’t want to acknowledge she is one.

[papirouge]

[I'm much more concerned whenever I see women acting like hanging out with women was difficult because women are so "catty and annoying".]

same, but i do understand it because when i was young this was very much my attitude. not because i thought men were better or less annoying than women, but because there's such a "fitting into the group" for young girls. i wasn't part of the crowd since i couldn't afford to look fashionable, didn't know anything about make up, and was generally tomboyish. so most girls behaved catty towards me and didn't seem to want anything to do with me.

honestly now that i'm older and i actually do fit in it's a lot better, but back then, it just felt like i'd never meet any girl my own age who was nice, despite all the women older than me or female teachers being an absolute godsend.

it's a complicated issue. i feel like guys never deal with these dynamics at all. socially, their groups tend to be a bit "dumb". even within a religious context i see women being much harsher on each other than the men. girls who made a mistake in their teens (sex, a relationship) are cast out or seen as a bad person/bad influence, but the guys who did are seen as having repented and given a new slate even by other women and still seen as a "catch" if they redeemed themselves here. it's annoying and i wish we could solve this issue for society.

"guys never deal with these dynamics"

Sorry anon but this is very wrong and boys totally bully each others for not fitting in. I vividly remember in middle school a boy in my class being teased by others boys for not being masculine enough. They were mocking his clothing style and attitude. It's just that men for some reason learn quickly how to stay on code and won't go out of their way to mock fellow men before women to show how much better or more masculine they are compared to these mantlet and how husbando material they are¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think the reason female catch early to obsessive seeking for male approval is bc male are at the top of the society in terms of value & privilege so by trying to distance themselves from other women and try to relate more to men, they aim to leverage this closeness to male social power into actual intrinsic added value(?). That's why "pickme" are more often than not obsessed with male companionship & marriage: they want to be valued by men in contrast to other 'low value' women

It's important to note that, unlike women, boys who were bullied by other boys, don't end up hating being around other boys and won't shut up about how men are mean and nasty, and prefer being around women. This phenomenon only happens with women for the reasons I explained in the previous paragraph.

It's okay to not feeling like fitting in, but social & gender norms aren't exclusive to women (although I totally agree they are somehow more pressuring i.e female beauty culture).

You're right though about women being harder on girls. As I always said, women, and especially CHRISTIAN women, hold women on much higher standards than men. For example, you'll have Christian women making whole posts about the godliness married Christian women should have, and submissiveness and beauty and etiquette... meanwhile they'll simp after "toxic masculinity" and deadbeats whose only redeeming quality is not being sex addicts, I- So being manipulative & violent can be "sexy" when it comes to men but women should be adamant in upholding all these godly qualities?? That's not realistic. Also with that kind of taste in men, such women will most likely end up with a narc that will show them that "toxic masculinity" isn't that sexy hot thing bitter feminazi wanted to keep from them bc they hate men .. "toxic masculinity" translates through femicide & rape statistics and I wish male worshipper Christian women would stop going Stevie Wonder about it - but I digress.

Abstinence from sex is reinforced to both girls & boys BUT I admit girls are callled to be more vigilant because they are the one carrying the baby and regardless of a pregnancy being a shared responsability, it takes a bigger toll on the pregnant girl. So it makes sense for girls to be more aware of these risks.

This issue won't be solved unless we, individually, own up our responsibility and stop the cycle from repeating itself. Why do people feel pressured to reject other women for not fitting in? Why do women can't stay on code and grasp that bitching about other female won't by them respect from men? Why is putting up with men seen as an actual goal for social equality by some women?

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

a sleeping kitty - 1st time cinder undastand the point - to being blankie covered - actually a sweatshirt but it was her blankie for yrs - she lay on it not under - she waking cuz its time and she hear the click and dont like fotos - so a little grumpy yah but comfy 

did i write awready the poem bout the kitty - i think yes but this morning a lifetime  - things cool  - things that coulda didnt go wrong  - started to get chill and wet - despite overkill and layers - fing wind gust to 40 mph make even mild and imma pussy tho y thats an insult or an indication of week ness escape me and it the only word that fit - but u gotta wonder  (imma lissening stevie btw ) - anyway it sounds better than old af and feeble yah?

still been out 2x   - store post office -   then acupuncture and lunch w vita - we strategize  a bit make sure we on the same page  - always  - evrything else is details  - we both complicated ppl  - we boil it down to real as fuck and love  but share an illusion or two and then play music  - 

wuz sposed to go hear liam and check out scene but didnt wanna tempt fate - made apologies to find he flight delayed aint gonna make it his own self  - we not in the same book right now never mind the pages - we walk in love best we can  - ignore the bullshit - and right now some rug sweeping underneath the radar - not quite dancing but sway a little - maybe a shoulder shrug next thing u no he vogueing - no not even that would b just too  - fuck if i know - am i digressing - bout fucking time lol - imma proud of starting wat turned out 2 b mothers of science  despite it not turning out in almost any way that intended  -  it really aint my scene  - it might b if could put out music on it - cross promote  and not have to fund 2 company  - some water flows under burned bridges - i fucking warned u i writez poetry i gess sometimes - i sneek it in  

yah t inna middle or wuz or - complicated in waze only teenage  mixed in w diagnosis ‘  - and like tree branch and it never gonna get unfucked up that i can see in my lifetime - maybe 20 yrs time pass 

actually may play w an adult tomorrow at madrone lol - lots of maybe in that equation - sly just how much higher u wanna takez me ?  been there done that 

hungry murders fed and they do b hungry tween rain storms  - sleight of hand - change the subject 

everyone worried bout t health - inc t  - its the fucking winter and bad things have happened  - that said - cept for 2 short relapse not smoking - i only push myself hard when no choice and starting healthy - taking heart meds - a vacation from copd med cuz steroid - cramps and i forgetz sometime but mood swings omfg chronik  - exercise moderately and building still muscle  - if i get short of breath i stop until normal 

we wuz tawking awk awk crows yah 

in my heart i think imma make it thru the winter maybe few more i dont think a decade but i didnt think 21 either - lol  i did call out death a while ago  -accident like - not sorry tho  - a scene from iron man that didnt end well 

(OMFG t is actually editing and making changes like it matters - wtf )

like a sunset draping formless over hillside 

i change again - the subject 

i dont fukken know how or why but im spending most my time getting ready to - in shape for or recovering from 

making magic - sometimes only moments sometimes slowly hours pass  - mostly 

playing music 

love 

[onigarbage]

did

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. In response to trauma, my core personality separated and eventually I came along. I’m not what people would call the core, I just happen to be the current host. I have 10 alters currently, alters are the different personalities. There are Persephone and Jasper, a married couple. Up until last month, Persephone went by Percy. There are Marc and Lily, brother and sister. There are Jake and Nero, a couple, both dormant, however. There’s Alistair, a fictive from my own writings. There’s also James a member of the vulture culture community who loves bees. Then there’s Mars who’s also dormant, and finally, there’s Salem. 

“It’ll take some time, but somewhere down the line, we won’t be alone.”

I watched my fingers type as if it were a film, words popped up on the screen. “I feel like we're dying out here sometimes, it’s like no matter where we go we're dying.” Persephone was right. We were dying up here. Here I was, trapped in my own body once more. Watching someone else take control. I was fine with it, I had become used to it. 

“The ocean washed over your grave.”

When I was little, I was very tall. I was 4’7” by the time I was 5. I was also ahead of my time. Adults loved me, my peers, not so much. Up until 3rd grade, I was very talkative, even through the abuse I had suffered. I was fine. I won’t divulge that trauma, at least. But the Summer of ‘08 changed me. It must’ve been the year the stock market crashed because my family moved from a nice home in Romeo to a trailer. A trailer that had a leaky roof, a trailer that had smoke leaking from a socket one night, a trailer that doesn’t have electricity in parts of it. It was home. It was also the year my mother attempted suicide. 

“I want a cutscene, I want a cut from your face to my face, I want a cut, I want the next related video.”

After that, I began to have “imaginary friends.” The only thing was weird about them was that they could sometimes “possess” me. That’s not exactly how it works but honestly, that’s how my child-brain worked. This is called dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder. I had only 4 alters then, now I have 10. I also coped by lying, I tried to make myself more interesting than I was. I grew out of it by the time I hit high school, I had lost and regained friends. My closest being Peter. I loved my friends dearly more than anything, but soon things turned sour. 

“I didn’t like you anyways. You always spoke so quiet.”

It was by 10th grade when I started hearing voices again. It was by 10th grade when Peter and I began dating. It was by 10th grade when everything began crumbling. In 10th grade I had started going to therapy, I wanted to figure out what these voices were but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. So instead I developed a relationship with my therapist and focused on my ADHD. I started taking a plethora of drugs, against my fears of becoming like my parents. They made me very tired, every day after school I began sleeping. During the week I would see myself fighting with Peter. It was all an out of body experience. I found out his name was Marc, he left notes for me. While on a date with Peter I discovered Lily, Peter thought I had age regressed. It was in the shower when I discovered V, he changed me that day. V was a bad person at the time. He’d terrorize Lily, who was only 9. He’d terrorize me in disgusting ways that I dare not tell anyone about. But when he changed we welcomed him. V no longer took the form of a demon but a man with long white hair and big blue beautiful eyes and an even bigger nose. He changed his name to Klaus. My friends soon found out about my alters. Thanks to a then stranger, now good friend Jaden. Jaden found out first, he knew from my Vent profile. Then Peter and Jason found out, but I was most scared to tell my friend Stevie. I felt I had betrayed her in the past and didn’t want to do it again. 

“I was up late last night!!” Klaus said talking to Stevie as we walked to our math class. 

“Yeah I know,” she replied then paused, realizing her mistake. Klaus smiled to himself, so she knew? He thought.

"I saw you again last night you were hiding in a poor man's body. But I saw your soul slip out of his fingers”

Things turned sour fast. I remember being in my history class when everything started. Stevie had posted on Vent that I was abusive. Panic had flooded my chest, my cheeks burned, and tears welled up in my eyes. To think that I was abusive. She then later posted that she would pretend to be uncomfortable if Peter and I had any public displays of affection. I went to the bathroom and sobbed that hour. Then the rest of the day, I don’t remember. Lily had fronted to save me from having to deal with it all. Peter and Stevie began spending more time, I turned nasty from all the stress. From walking on eggshells out of fear of being called abusive to dealing with constant voices who occasionally “possessed” me. I even had to deal with homework and abuse at home. I was stressed back then, and I took it out on him. I accused him of sleeping with Stevie even. By the time we reached 11th grade Stevie started avoiding me, Jason grew apart and Peter broke up with me. By 12th grade I had finally turned things around with Jaden, we stopped being strangers and became friends. We bonded over memes about our deteriorating mental health and the passion we had for the stories we worked on. This was the year I met Ms. Bourlinghaus, who became a mother to me. At the start of the year, seeing Peter gave me panic attacks and made me want to rip my flesh off. 

“Don’t worry! You and me won’t be alone no more.”

I fell in love, twice that year. I don’t remember who I dated first. DID does that to your memory, in fact, I don’t remember anything really before 9th or 10th grade except for my mother’s suicide attempt. But I digress. I fell in love twice that year. I fell in love with a boy named Elliot and a girl named Eve. Both were amazing even though both lasted what I estimate to be a week. Mars even made a pizza with green peppers that were made into a heart for Elliot. We went to see End Game together. Eve and I only talked about kissing, planning to do it where nobody saw us. We joked about kissing by the Chuck E Cheese car ride. We were weird teenagers, well, normal teenagers actually.

Elliot broke up with me because of my age, we’re only a year apart, however, it made him uncomfortable. That’s okay. We still talk to this day. Eve realized that she was a lesbian part way through our relationship, or at least that’s my theory. We also still talk to this day. I consider both of them to be two of my closest friends. 

“You never stopped smoking, but I forgive you. My words and my heart were not enough to give you”

I was 17 when I started vaping. My friends Luke and Zack were doing it so why not me too? I started at 50 nic, which is about 3 and a half cigarettes. Or at least I think, I don’t know anything about cigarettes. Or vaping for that matter. When I turned 18 I became more firm in who I was. I came out to my parents as transgender, my mom had always shrugged it off as me pretending to be someone I’m not, my stepdad has always accepted me but didn’t see why I cared about the surgeries. 

"I wish I was sober, I can’t get off the ground."

A revelation, I am killing myself. With all the weed and smoking. We aren’t dying up here of loneliness but of ourselves. Night after night I’ve induced manic episodes from getting too high. Each night I think of myself as a god. Mostly I’m a fire god, able to feel fire without burning myself. These manic episodes started a few weeks after I was diagnosed with bipolar. My life goes up and down it seems. Caffeine doesn’t help, sugar doesn’t help. Nothing I ate really helped with the mood swings. I feel broken. I want my story to end with hope, not despair. 

“Apologies to future mes and yous.”

I sometimes wonder if I can be better than I am now. If I’m destined to smoke forever. If I’ll always have manic episodes on the weekends. If my life is a constant back and forth between depressed and manic with no balance between both of them. It’s been raining all week, but just now as I type this there’s the sun shining through my window. Everything exists in cycles after the rain comes the sun. Maybe this is just my rain, maybe this storm will last for a few more days or even a few more years. I know now that someday the storm will end and I will see the sun. Then again, I’ve always loved getting caught in a storm. 

“This is a version of me and you that can exist outside of everything else, and if it is just a fantasy, then anything can happen from here.”

A final note: 

All quotes separating text are lyrics from Car Seat Headrest. I’ll include a playlist of songs that I’ve sampled these quotes from. Thank you for reading. http://bit.ly/2WAlYMW 

[anundefinedwoman]

Lyrically Speaking

I love music. I think the older I’ve become the more transparent this has become for me. It’s always been a part of my life, but I remember during my childhood, college through part of my 30s, TV was where I would mostly lose myself . It was an escape. Of course there are iconic televisions series for me during my childhood, in college, or back in time that stand out. Certainly shows like The Walton’s, Eight is Enough, Little House on the Prairie, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Growing Pains, Highway to Heaven, Dallas, Dynasty, 90210, A Different World, Friends and Melrose Place all stand out. Funny enough, even though I watched plenty of shows after college/ my very early 20s (Melrose, 90210, Friends), none really stand out for me like this. Maybe Everybody Loves Raymond, only for the fact that the dynamic in the marriage between Ray and Debra, is reminiscent of the dynamic in my own marriage.

I digress. The point is, sure these shows can evoke a memory or a general feeling for me. But they are all happy, fun memories. Even if my childhood and youth was filled with abuse and neglect. This was my escape. I don’t really remember much of the abuse or neglect. I feel its effects, but remember? No. Why would I subject myself to watching something weekly or daily if I didn’t get some sort of pleasure from it? The best memories are the ones where a group of us would gather collectively so we could watch with the anticipation as a room full of banshees shrieked and swooned over how hot Jake or Dylan was. Or screamed at the TV for Ross just to tell Rachel how he felt about her already because we were all in love with him!!! Or wondering who the fuck shot JR, and why Krystal and Alexis had such huge shoulder pads and fought like trashy twits? (Yes, Dallas & Dynasty came way before, I know.)

But music is different isn’t it? It doesn’t always evoke happy memories. Maybe for someone who had an ideally happy past it would, but for me it does not. I think it’s apparent by now from the television shows listed, I’m not a millennial. As a Gen X’er born right in the middle our of generation (1972), I think it’s safe to say I’ve reached middle age. As much as it pains me to say, I’m not the person who remembers everything anymore. Although I didn’t have all my past memories with me from the beginning due to trauma in childhood, the ones I do (did) have, I was the type that would not forget. Mommy brain turned into Man brain. Sorry guys, but we’ve heard the excuse thousands of times. “I forgot.” We would think, “Sure you did.”, and we would fucking remember that time you didn’t remember something again. Til it happens to us. I say to myself with a sense of humor this must be my form of in-this life-karma being served in a big slice of humble pie. But I’m smart or considerate enough to write things down, and have learned the hard way to back them up to the cloud so I don’t miss important appointments should my calendar crash. In all this talk about forgetting, I forget where I was going in another digression. Music. Songs. Getting old, yes...

I can hear a song from my childhood and it can take me back. I can immediately say 6th grade, 1984. I can probably still remember all the words to the songs too. I may be able to recall some happy memory, a memory in my room, hearing something...

 When I was a kid after I had outgrown Saturday morning cartoons, I remember that it had become the day I had to clean my room. I mean really clean it.  White glove inspection clean (seriously - my kids have it so easy) And I spent a lot of time in there. I remember having my moms old stereo in my room that was a record/LP player; a radio with an 8 track tape deck on it. This was before big boom boxes had made it to mainstream, but technology had already advanced to the cassette tape of the Walkman. But I remember listening every Saturday morning to Casey Kasem’s America’s Top 40. My favorite part of his show was The Long-Distance Dedication portion of his show where his listeners would write him poignant, heartfelt, or sweet letter about someone in their life or a hardship perhaps they themselves had been enduring. Casey would read these with such compassion where you felt like your soul was being touched through the airwaves by the velvet of his voice in the pain these people endured. And at the end of each letter they closed by asking him to play a certain song or would leave it to him. But they would send it out to someone. Maybe that’s where I learned to attach such memories, thoughts, and in times of sadness and need, turn to music. I don’t know. (You should listen to recordings of this online.)

I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it, but I “think in song “. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. Gosh, I wish they were my own songs. I wish I had that ability; that talent. But no. What I mean is somewhere in my memory I have a jukebox - a storage drive so to speak of songs I don’t even realize I remember - or sometimes I even know. Sometimes a situation I have with someone, and it could be very obvious like being out with my girlfriends having a girls night with lots of laughter, wine and the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” will be the song I hear in my mind. It isn’t usually the song title. It’s usually lyrics that speak to me. I think I equate or attach some sort of word association to the situation or feeling I am experiencing. We had a lot of rain recently. I start singing or rather thinking The Eurythmics,

 “Here comes the rain again,   falling on my head like a memory,    falling on my head like a new emotion...” 

Or since I hit 39-40, I would say my theme song has been Landslide, written by Stevie Nicks and performed by Fleetwood Mac.

Oh, mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

~These are questions I ask myself OFTEN.~

Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’ ‘Cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I’m gettin’ older, too 

Ah, take my love, take it down Oh climb a mountain and turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down 

This morning Heart’s song, “Alone” came to me. I was thinking in this song. Just because of what’s been going on in my life lately. 

Like I said in my “Sound of Silence” post, lyrics are so subjective. Music is an art form. Poetry is an art form. We take from it what we can relate in our own lives usually. Even though we may understand an artist may have meant X, our own interpretation can be different. That’s ok. They want to reach the masses. They want their work to resonate with you as much as it did them. We don’t have the same experiences, so why would our interpretations be the same?

If you feel color or think in song or taste experience, just let it happen. We evolve.

 Now it’s time for me to turn on some music. I’ve really been enjoying Post Malone lately.

[chefbastian]

Dinner Date || Sambastian

WHO: Sam Evans & Sebastian Smythe WHERE:  The Student Restaurant Annex and Sebastian’s room WHEN: 11/18/17 WHAT: Sam and Sebastian go on date and do some headcanon-ed smooching afterward. WARNING: Language, frank discussion of sexuality

Sebastian had told Sam to meet him at the most expensive of the culinary, on-campus restaurants. Maybe he wanted to show off, or maybe he wanted to do his best to talk the gorgeous blonde into bed... or maybe it'd just been a long damn time since he'd been on a real date. He waited outside of the restaurant so they could go in together, fiddling with his hem of his poncho. Sebastian was above being nervous. He didn't do nervous, leastwise for dates. With hot strangers. Right? He cleared his throat, waiting patiently.

Sam was running late. He could've gotten their faster on four legs, but then he wouldn't have any clothes and he was pretty sure the restaurant wouldn't let him in whether they were used to supers or not. So instead he just hurried as quickly as he could. He spotted Sebastian waiting outside the restaurant and quickly noticed the large wings that were sticking out the bottom of the poncho he was wearing. Even if Sam couldn't see all of them, they definitely looked awesome. "Hey!" he greeted, slightly out of breath. "I hope I'm not late. I was at the pool and I tend to lose track of time."

Sebastian grinned as Sam approached, shaking his head as he started to apologize. "No, don't worry about it." He was impeccable on time, as always, but it seemed easy enough to forgive a bit of a delay. It wasn't as if Sam had left him waiting for hours. "I hope you're time at the pool helped you work up an appetite. I've heard this place serves marvelous food, and with quite the view, too." He opened the door, putting a hand on the small of Sam's back to guide him inside. With a polite greeting for the maître d', Sebastian collected on their reservations and they were led over to a secluded booth with a breathtaking view of the water. "So, how was your day?" he asked casually as they sat down.

Sam had to admit he was just a little bit in awe. He could probably never afford to eat here on his own. His eyes were drawn out to the view from where they were sitting. He could never get tired of looking out at the water. Remembering not to be rude though, he turned back to Sebastian with a smile. "Oh, good. I did some yoga this morning with my roommate, spent the afternoon at the pool getting some laps in. And it definitely worked up an appetite," he confirmed. "How 'bout you?"

Sebastian reached for his glass of water, sipping it as Sam stared out at the view. He'd always thought yoga looked enjoyable, but he simply didn't have the core strength to fight his wings for balance for extended periods of time. "That sounds cool," he said with a smile, shrugging a bit. "I did a few laps around the island this morning, took a nap, baked a batch of scones... nothing particularly exhilarating." Trailing his fingertip around the edge of his water glass, Sebastian said, "So... tell me about you. What more is there to know aside from that gorgeous mouth and the wonderful sense of humor?"

"Running laps or...?" Sam paused and twirled his finger around up in the air with a curious expression on his face. "Cause I'd love to fly with you sometime. And scones sound very exciting to me," he laughed. He felt his face flush at Sebastian's compliments and he looked down at his hands for a moment. "Well, I'm from Tennessee. I've got two little sibs. They're twelve and twins and slightly crazy, but I miss them a lot already. I'm a zoology major. I'm on the swim team.  And I don't know as much about food as you do, but I love to eat it."

Smirking, Sebastian said, "I don't do much running." He'd never really flown with anyone and was honestly unsure if he had the capability to do so. "I don't know that I'd be able to carry you and safely not drop you, honestly," he said with a chuckle. "What are their names?" he asked, tilting his head to listen as Sam spoke. "You don't have to know a lot about it to enjoy it," he grinned. "Like most things, it's okay to have an untrained eye. Perhaps. if tonight goes well, I'll cook you dinner sometime." For Sebastian, cooking someone dinner was far more intimate, which was why he suggested the restaurant this evening.(edited)

Sam's brows drew together for a moment until he realized his mistake. "Oh, no. I meant like both of us flying.  Beside each other. I would be a bird though, so we couldn't really talk much," he admitted with a shrug. "Stevie and Stacy. My parents like the letter S. Don't ask me why.  I guess we're all super Ss." He chuckled softly. "True. And I'm guessing you don't know much about langurs, so I guess we've all got our things. But I think I'd definitely like that."

Sebastian sat up a bit straighter, leaning forward on the table. "Super of Fromian?" he asked curiously, and added, "and your power is that you turn into a bird? Does it hurt becoming so small? Or are you a big bird?" Unable to help himself, he snorted softly. All S's? It seemed rather quaint. "What the fuck is a langurs?" he asked, taking another sip. "I tend to ask a fair amount of questions, so I'm going to apologize ahead of time. I enjoy learning about people. And about topics I'm not familiar with."

Sam couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Sorry, I was picturing myself as Big Bird," he said with a shake of his head. "Super though. And not just birds, any animal. And no, it doesn't hurt becoming small. Everything just... becomes what it needs to become. I have lost my clothes a few times though." He shrugged, being used to the whole thing by now. He chuckled again at Sebastian's question. "A langur is a species of monkey. And it's no problem. Can I ask you a question?"

Shaking his head, Sebastian chuckled. "That was poor phrasing on my part," he admitted. He raised his eyebrows, a playful smile toying at the corners of his lips. "Well, losing your clothes certainly doesn't sound like the worst thing that could happen. But that sounds interesting... shocking that it doesn't cause discomfort, but interesting all the same. "Monkeys?" he repeated. "Hm." Sebastian felt a pang-- a gentle, almost unnoticeable pang-- of nervousness at  Sam's proposal of a question. "Absolutely. I'm an open book."

Sam felt his cheeks heat up once again, something Sebastian seemed pretty good at causing. "Yeah, I could guess you wouldn't actually mind that much. When you're running on a low budget, it can get annoying having to buy new clothes so much though," he explained. "Yeah, monkeys. They have super cute orange babies. I'm still practicing shifting into a monkey, but I think it'll be really fun." He bit on his lip for a moment while he considered how to word his question. "Do you ever-- ever feel like people care more about your wings and your powers than like... about getting to know you?"

Sebastian grinned, shaking his head. "No, I certainly wouldn't." The smile fell slightly as Sam explained why such circumstances would be inconvenient, but Sebastian chose not to dwell on it for now. "Well, anytime you end up naked, feel free to call. I'll come get you... and if you're luck, I'll bring clothes." He winked playfully. He tried to picture Sam in the middle-phases  of shifting, but was torn from his thoughts at the very... deep question.  "I..." he started, but faltered. How was he supposed to respond to that. "To be frank, I rarely let people get to know me. Life is far easier when you don't have personal entanglements. But here, now, I'm working on turning over a new leaf, if you will. Waldron is a fresh start for me in every way... including that one." Sebastian shook his head, chuckling a bit in spite of himself. "But I digress. The answer to your questions is yes. Absolutely. I'm essentially a fanfare to people, more often than not. Why do you ask?"

Sam chuckled and shook his head with affection. "I'll remember that," he teased as he glanced over the menu. He met Sebastian's eyes as he spoke though, nodding slowly. He couldn't say he completely understand. His relationships with people were pretty much the important thing in his life, but he knew not everyone had a family like his. "Well, it's cool that you're trying. I like to think I make a pretty decent friend," he offered. He sighed as he thought about his words again. "Well... from what I can see you've got really beautiful wings and I imagine they get a lot of attention. But I figure you've got a lot of other beautiful parts to you too. And I don't just mean your ass, although I'm sure that's great," he said with a smirk. "But back home everyone just knew who I was. And sometimes I was a dog and they petted me and sometimes I was Sam and they talked to me. But ever since I got here, people just wanna know all about my powers. Which is fine, I guess. But I'm pretty cool too. Just Sam."

Taking a long drink of the ice water in front of him, Sebastian smirked. He wasn't quite sure how 'cool' it was, but at least Sam seemed to think so. "I'll bet you do," he said nodding. He cleared his throat as Sam spoke, shifting in his chair and ducking his head. The heat on his cheeks was... unusual. And weird. And since when the hell did he let pretty blondes make him blush and fucking flatter him? He was, quite apparently, off his game. But who the hell just tossed around the word beautiful like that? He couldn't help but chuckle at the comment about his ass, glancing out the window to avoid meeting Sam's gaze. "Have you ever been in an environment before where you're surrounded completely by..." he paused. Well, there were Baselines now, but the point still stood. "What I'm saying is that this environment is different than most. I think, in good time, people won't even remember you shift. They'll just be interested in who you are as Sam. Not as... anything else."

Sam nodded slowly as he considered this explanation. "True. I mean, pretty much everyone in our town knew our family and kinda just accepted us for who we were," he said with a shrug. "This is a lot of new people. I hope so though. Powers are cool, but I like learning about people." Maybe he was being naive or sappy or something, but it wasn't going to change who he was. He rested his chin on his hand where he was leaning on the table and stared at the menu. "You probably know what's better to order than I do. There's not much I won't eat though."

“I get that,” Sebastian said, nodding. “Just keep in mind that here, everyone is at this university because of the fact that they have some kind of talent or ability. So people are going to want to know what it is about you that got you here.” Reaching over, he gave Sam’s hand a brief squeeze. “I’m not excusing that bullshit, I’m just saying... patience.” He sat up straighter, unsure why he’d felt the need to be any brand of affectionate. “You want me to order for you?” he offered with a flirty waggle of his eyebrows.

"Makes sense, I guess," Sam agreed after some consideration. "I am really glad I was able to come here. Didn't have the grades or money, so at least I can turn into a dog whenever I want." He laughed softly and set his menu down, watching as Sebastian's hand touched his. "Sure. Why not? I trust you. Not sure if I should," he admitted with a grin. "But I do."

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. “I’m not terribly good at the lines between ‘personal’ and ‘too personal,’ so you don’t have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, but how are you here, then? Scholarships?” He laughed softly as he saw the waiter heading over, adding a quick, “You probably shouldn’t trust me,” before greeting the man pleasantly and ordering an appetizer of gourgeres. He assumed Sam would enjoy a nice French cheese puff. “So what is it about me that you find trustable?” He asked with a smile.

Sam just nodded in response at first. "My grades aren't top notch, but they're not trash either. Good enough to qualify for stuff. Plus I've got dyslexia, and they've actually got a lotta scholarships for that specifically, so between that and my family's low income, I got a lotta help," he explained. He leaned forward on the table again and looked in Sebastian's eyes. "Well, food wise, being a culinary student probably puts you ahead of me automatically. In general... I don't know. Just a feeling."

Interestingly enough, Sebastian wholly assumed Sam was incredibly intelligent. He at least came off as such. “I’m excellent at studying if you ever need a buddy... truthfully, I don’t know a lot about dyslexia, but I’m sure there are study tips to make it... well, not easier. But you know.” Sebastian rarely thought about how lucky he was, financially speaking, and he was grateful for the reminder. “Ahead of you when it comes to food knowledge? Possibly. I’m not sure why you’re willing to give me automatic trust, but I’ll do my best not to fuck it up, should this go anywhere.” He gave Sam a genuine smile.

Sam's smile appeared easily. He'd been a little nervous to come to a school with so many talented people. He knew he had his own talents, but he also knew how mean people could be if they wanted to. So it was refreshing to him that he hadn't experienced a lot of that since coming here. "That'd be awesome, yeah. I do a lot better if I study with someone cause talking about stuff and hearing it makes it stick a lot better than just reading it. My roommate's in my stats class and this guy Roderick agreed to be my bio lab partner, so that's cool. I'm not sure how composition's gonna go," he admitted with a shrug. He'd work to do his best like he did with everything else. "Like I said, I'm not sure either. I just feel like I should. Maybe it's the pup instincts. Good at reading people." He winked at Sebastian playfully from across the table.

As the waiter brought over their hors d'oeuvre dish, Sebastian thanked him softly and said, "these are essentially just French cheese puffs," before popping one into his mouth. "I've talked to Roderick a bit. He seems pretty cool. And all the freshmen are in the same Comp class, so if you need any help, it shouldn't be hard to find. And, according to the syllabus my prof handed out, there's a writing center for people who need a little extra hand. But," he said with a playful grin, "I also happen to know a handsome student who happens to breeze through his writing courses." He couldn't imagine why Sam felt the need to try and trust him, but he certainly wouldn't complain.(edited)

"I love cheese. And I like puffs," Sam declared before nabbing one for himself. "Don't know much about French food, but A+ on these." He gave Sebastian a thumbs up as he sipped at his water. "You know anything about Tennessee barbecue?" He considered that, figuring it should be easy to find someone to help him out if he needed it. His lips curled up at Sebastian's offering though. "And would this handsome student actually help me study or try to get me naked?"

Sebastian smiled triumphantly. He was glad he made the right choice and happy that Sam was enjoying the gourgeres. "Tennessee barbecue? Not particularly. Most of my culinary knowledge rests in French cuisine because that's what I've been trained in, but I'm sure I'll learn eventually. And I could make a point of learning sooner, if it's something you'd enjoy." He reached out, taking Sam's hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss his knuckles. "He'd certainly want to assist your pursuit of knowledge. Though, if you were interested, he'd also want to assist you with your pursuit of nudity."

Sam might have actually moaned a little at the memory of his father's barbecue. "It's the taste of home. Nothing quite like it," he answered proudly. "But, like I said, I really like trying new stuff too and these delicious." He popped another one in his mouth before his hand was taken across the table. He felt his cheeks flush yet again, but he was smiling all the same. "I think I might just be interested."

"Well, I'll add it to my to-do list then." He watched Sam carefully, a grin slowly spreading across his face when Sam mentioned being interested. He released his hand, taking a sip of water and then leaning forward on his elbows. "May I be incredibly honest with you about something?" he asked with a flirtatious smile. "Though, I want it to be clear that I'm interested in far more than just having sex with you."

Sam was actually having a really great time. He didn't really get to go on many dates like this and definitely never with a guy so flirty. Plus he was genuinely enjoying the conversation. "Of course. I'm all for honesty," he told him, still moving his fingertips over Sebastian's hand. "Thanks though. That's nice to hear."

Smiling, Sebastian said, "Good. Because I prefer to be honest." He paused as the waiter came over again, checking on the appetizer and asking if they'd chosen entrées. Sebastian ordered them each a dish of pot-au-feu and baguette and, once the waiter walked away, focused back on Sam. "It's a very hearty beef stew. I think you'll enjoy it." Taking another drink of water, Sebastian met Sam's eyes. "After dinner, I'd really like to watch a movie, like I mentioned when we made the date. But I'd like to spend at least half of that movie making out with you, if that's something you'd be interested in, as well."

"Sounds like my kinda food," Sam chuckled. He had a feeling it wouldn't be quite like his mother made, but he was enjoying his new food experiences so far. His eyes lit up slightly as he listened to Sebastian speak and he looked back out at the water momentarily, mostly so he wouldn't sputter like an idiot. He licked his lips and met Sebastian's gaze again, giving him a little nod. "I think that sounds like a pretty awesome way to spend the evening."

"I thought it might," Sebastian said honestly with a grin. "I've learned that it's best to ease people into French cuisine instead of dropping it on them like a ton of bricks." He watched with interest as Sam looked out to the sunset and found himself fiddling with the edge of his napkin. He was eager, but perhaps a bit nervous, as he waited for the answer. But as Sam spoke, he realized he was nervous about nothing. "Well, i'm glad we're in agreement, then," he smiled.

"Yeah, I'm not sure I'm ready for snails yet. To eat, I mean. I'm pretty sure French people do that. I've definitely been a snail before though," he added with a soft laugh. He narrowed his eyes curiously though the smile still remained. "Did you think I was gonna say no?" he asked, honestly wondering just what was going on in Sebastian's mind right now. He was much different than anyone back home, but he liked that about him.

Sebastian laughed softly. “Escargot tastes unfortunately quite delicious, but I find myself unable to get around the concept of eating a snail long enough to enjoy it.” He took a moment to think about his answer before he spoke. If he was truly working on himself as he’d been saying, he should give an honest answer, shouldn’t he? “Well,” Sebastian started slowly. “I don’t usually date, so I’m generally unsure of what to expect.”

Sam's face scrunched up because he just couldn't imagine that tasting anywhere close to good. "Don't think I could do it," he decided. He nodded slowly at Sebastian's answer. At least it seemed to be an honest one and not just some smart remark. "I guess it probably depends on who you're on the date with. But I like movies and I like making out and... I like you. So it sounds good to me."

"I'll bet you could," he said with a smile.  "It's shockingly delicious. Just... nasty when you think about where the deliciousness is coming from." Before he could reply, their waiter returned and set their soup and bread in front of them and Sebastian thanked him pleasantly. "This would really pair well with a nice red," he said, "but the goddamn drinking laws here keep fucking me over." Chuckling, Sebastian said, "Well good. I happen to be enjoying our time immensely. I think the movie will be just as fun." He winked before starting in on his pot-au-feu.

"I mean, if I was dared to eat a snail... I'd eat a snail," Sam clarified, looking Sebastian in the eye for emphasis. "I've probably eaten some animals most people don't eat regularly anyway since most of our meat was what Dad and I caught." He smiled with anticipation as the food as set in front of him, suddenly aware of how hungry he was. "Your life must be very hard without wine," he teased with a grin. "Besides, water's good for you. And I'm enjoying our time a lot too."

Sebastian wrinkled his nose, but said nothing. The concept of personally hurting animals was beyond him entirely, but he didn't mind eating them if they were already dead. Smirking, he rolled his eyes. "There are certain meals that should always be consumed with wine, Sam. I have so much to teach you." He did take another drink of his water, though, before adding, "And wine is good for your body. Ask any health professional."

Sam didn't miss the look on Sebastian's face, but it wasn't exactly the first time he'd seen it before. "You can judge if you want, but when you're living on food stamps you're a little more willing to do what it takes to feed growing kids," he insisted, not angry,  but still making his point. His smile returned though and he shook his head curiously. "It is, but it's not always good for a still developing brain. I say as a guy who's drunk plenty of beer," he added with a laugh.

Instantly, he felt guilty. He hadn't meant to... well, to do anything. And yet he'd managed to put his entire foot right in his mouth. Sebastian huffed, sighing. "I..." god, there were few things he hated as much as apologizing and implying that he was wrong. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I wasn't judging the... monetary part of it. I just personally don't understand being able to kill animals. I've always thought it was pretty barbaric. But that's not a reflection on you." He tried to smile, giving a small nod. "My brain's obviously been fine thus far, I'd say."

Sam quirked his mouth to the side and nodded in understanding. "It's okay. I get that. I mean... imagine having to kill animals after you've learned how to... become them," he pointed out. "It feels pretty weird. But you gotta push past that stuff sometimes to take care of your family." He reached across the table and laid his hand over Sebastian's. "It's really okay though. Don't twist yourself up."

"I can't even begin to," he said honestly, sighing. Sebastian had been lucky enough to never be forced to take care of his family. They were delightfully self sufficient and he spent his time as far away from them as possible. When Sam touched his hand, he found himself smiling a bit, biting his lip. God, even he sucked ass at this whole 'dating' thing? Sam was really fucking good at it. "What's your family like?" he asked.

[asagimeta]

Just realized the meta brilliance of AHS 6B (Return to Roanoke). Like, the second half of the AHS seasons are very often where everything goes off the rails in terms of plot and narrative, and it brilliantly lampshaded that by having the in-universe film crew have a plotted narrative & scares for the return that very very quickly went off the rails WHILE STILL KEEPING TO THE AHS PLOT. That was an amazing inversion of the show's own "losing the plot" trope.

I think, honestly, that’s really what made Roanoke work so well, because it was very self-aware

American Horror Story had JUST started to take the same decline every show starts to take once they begin approaching seasons 4+, there was a tiredness and a restlessness that the audience was showing during season five that I, personally, hadn’t seen with the other seasons, and I think the only reason why they didn’t start showing that during Freak Show is because it was Jessica Lange’s last season and there was alot of focus on that, but I digress

I’ve noticed it in pretty much every fandom I’ve been in except for a very small few (Orphan Black for example) that once you approach season four- and most certainly season five- the fandom gets very restless and there’s little that can be done to save the show, outside of doing something drastic like giving it a huge make-over/reboot (like Once Upon A Time is doing, jury is out on if that will please the fandom or not) or having some kind of unexpected success with a new charector/ship/plot (like Supernatural did by bringing in Castiel) the problem for AHS is that each season is contained as it’s own story so rebooting it won’t work because *every season* is a reboot, and introducing an unexpected hit charector/ship/plot will, again, be a short-lived success, because they’ll only last the course of several episodes to a season and even then not everyone will be on board, Roanoke was, in some ways, AHS making an AHS parody, they really did seem to listen to the complaints they were starting to get and did things very differently, and going into season seven, it feels alot like some of the lessons they learned from Roanoke are things they intend to keep, we still know very little about “Cult” despite the fact that it starts airing next month, and they won’t have a break for the holidays this round either- wich I truly believed helped season six, it prevented the audience from having to get re-acquainted with the season mid-way through- and instead of going on just an old horror trope they way they did seasons 1-5, they’re using something that’s very .. er.. present… in everyone’s minds these days, wile still keeping the good ol’ AHS classic vibe to it of horror tropes (clowns anyone?)

One of my personal favorite things about Roanoke is that there were just so many tiny in-jokes that really gave it a vibe of realism, my favorite AHS season has always been Coven (unpopular opinion I know) in part because it just felt closer to home than some of the others, you know? Marie Lavau was a real person, Stevie Nicks guest-starred, and even though it had one of the most disconnecting factors of the series from our world (outing witches to the rest of the world, wich I personally LOVE) it still just felt very… well, real, I suppose, familiar, there were more nods and winks to current things in Coven than there were in most of the other seasons in my opinion (Madison’s entire charector essentially being one of them, and again, Stevie, who I freaking love to death) Freak Show in particular felt enormously disconnected from the world we live in, wich was part of the point but I just couldn’t get connected to it, Roanoke had so many great little winks, like saying My Roanoke Nightmare got better ratings than The Walking Dead (*snickers*) , the “bloopers”, the social media aspect, the celebrity relationship vs the real relationship, all of that stuff made the witches and ghosts feel so much realer and I really appreciate that

I think, pre-Roanoke, Asylum was the one that really handled the back half the best, in general Asylum was the most cohesive season outside of Roanoke in my opinion, despite having so many subplots

You know what I wonder Anon? I wonder if part of why Roanoke had such a great second half is because no one died in the first half, now hear me out, I am NOT opposed to death in AHS ok? In fact I’m often rooting for it, but think about it, Roanoke allowed us to get through the first half without anyone *really* dieing so that the deaths in the second half could all come in rapid succession without actually rushing anything, I think one of the problems AHS has is having a heavy trigger-finger, sometimes they kill off some of the more promising charectors early on (like Shelley in Asylum for example) and then the ones that stick around until the end can at times overstay their welcome (*stares pointedly at several members of Freak Show and sighs*) but Roanoke avoided BOTH of these issues, they kept around all of their charectors from the first half so we could get to know them and then killed them off in a really bang-bam way so that it struck hard and fast, it didn’t linger or drag on like they sometimes do because they had a large cast to kill off and there was no sense lingering on anyone really, and they kind of gave us a soft reboot of charectors so that none of them really overstayed their welcome, we got to know Shelby and Matt in a SENSE in the first five episodes- enough that we didn’t feel like there was any loss of potential when they died- but what we knew were only cheap cut-out versions, we saw the real, messier Shelby and Matt in the back half of the season and that’s what prevented us from going “Can someone just kill them already please?” , because there were questions then- is Shelby a serial killer? Is Matt really in love with the witch (who’s name I cannot spell)? And then we had the actors who, again, we saw their faces all season, but we weren’t introduced to them until the second half, it was a good way of bringing in an entirely new cast of charectors to kill without them FEELING like new charectors because we already were used to seeing them on the screen, there was no sense that they’d overstayed their welcome and there was also no sense that they were just newbies out of the blue who we wanted dead so we could get back to the mains, it was really brilliant

I think Roanoke may have single-handedly spared AHS from getting post-season-three-show-fatigue that so many scripted dramas get hit with, and season seven looks like they’ll be following atleast SOME of the formulas Roanoke set, the aforementioned timing and the smaller episode count, and listen, I SO. BADLY. wish we still had 13 episodes ok? I love AHS, I would watch it year-round if I could, but I have to agree that ten episodes really felt much tighter and more cohesive than thirteen, I think this is why every show is either having shorter episode orders or splitting the seasons into two different arcs, Teen Wolf had to learn the hard way that sometimes less is more and Once Upon A Time still has large orders but they compensate by splitting the season… wich, admittedly, doesn’t always work… but I digress

AHS is like a long horror movie so cohesion is more important for them than alot of other shows because the mark of good horror is pace- be it getting in alot of punches in a short amount of time or drawing out one long, lingering wound over the course of two hundred years, if the style of horror you’re writing has a pace that doesn’t match up you’re really screwed, and AHS is a very fast-punch type of horror with lingering themes, the danger of that style being a TV show and not a movie is that it can easily overstay it’s welcome and feel like it’s dragging or getting too messy if it goes on for too long

But anyway, I think the brilliance of Roanoke, as you said, is that AHS was parodying themselves, remember that episodes 1-5 had something in there that referenced the previous seasons, from the nurses of Murder House to the witch of Coven, Roanoke was all about presenting AHS it’s self to something of an outsider’s veiwpoint and it was utterly, utterly magnificent

[mcheffer]

If E-coma or Caroline had been sent to the prison world...

If E-coma or Caroline had been sent to the prison world with a perfectly healthy specimen of a man, I bet the writers would have happily love mated them with that guy during their first week of time locked in the prison world together!

They’re just simply racists! Period! Yes, I said what I said! They’ve not treated Bonnie anywhere near as kindly as they have the other lead ladies and that’s a fact. Even Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see that! She’s always been Cinderella to her two stepsisters! All the way down to her raggedy ugly-fuggly wardrobe! To not being invited to the town’s shindigs with her so called best friends! Don’t get me started there! Anyhow…

Bonnie and Damon’s time in the prison world not leading to a love relationship is not even logical. Love happens when there is mutual respect, friendship and attraction! It happens when you spend quality time together fighting the same enemy and trying to solve mutual problems. And that love is greatly enhanced when you feel the need to sacrifice yourself for the others good!

Bonnie and Damon shared these attributes during their time in the prison world and these attributes have only increased since they’ve been back home!

I loved Enzo and was glad to have someone mature loving on Bonnie but the letter Damon wrote her being forever prominent in Bonnie’s mind and heart spoke volumes of the love she had and still has for Damon.

I think deep down Enzo knew this but was willing to accept a smidgen of the love and loyalty he saw Bonnie lavash on Damon. Bottom line you don’t pine 3 years over a goodbye letter written by your friend, sorry, you just don’t, unless you loved that friend more than just a friend.

And Damon loves Bonnie more than he ever loved E-coma! The proof is in every time he saved her life! When he realized Bonnie was alive still he placed cuddles over his heart in relief. When he playfully and lovingly calls her nicknames like Bon Bon. He’s consistent with his endearments for her like he’s been with no one else. Just saying.

Anyhow, I digress. Get back on topic, I also enjoyed the acting that Kat and Ian did while in the prison world together. I just wish the writers weren’t so blatantly racist and evil.

[gxngster-ish]

Dream: Alice

Slept 2/26, Recorded 2/27

Her name was Alice. I only know this because when I called her Ashley one time, she let out a mixed gasp that was simultaneously sad, surprised, and slightly angered. She was perfect in my eyes. Admittedly, she was not a girl that everyone would agree is the most beautiful girl in the world, but it simply did not matter to me. She was perfect. She had the same sense of humor as I did, liked the same things as I did, and was good to me. Did I mention she was perfect? I enjoyed her so much that I simply did not want it to end. So imagine my surprise; and genuine; disappointment; when I woke up. She was, for all intents and purposes, the girl of my dreams. ;)

I’ll start from where I can remember.

My friend Andy and I were walking around a place with buildings that were old looking which were mostly built with brick accompanied by brick and cement floors. The trees looked as if they were overgrown roots next to these buildings. The sky was clear as well with the sun radiantly shining, it was a beautiful day. Andy and I come across a long staircase descending to what looked like a dense forest. Despite this clear vantage point, I still did not know where I was, I assumed it was a college. My friend Andy and I descend a few steps when Andy decides to go back up for whatever reason. He let out a deafening scream that somehow was not feminine-sounding. I turn around to see what he was screaming about. I knew right away what he was screaming about. I saw a web that was about my size covering the doorway to the stairs with an oversize crustacean/spider hybrid looking creature that was the size of a backpack crawling on the edge of the web. It actually looked like a giant, scary looking shrimp. I back up in horror down the stairs when I hit a protruding tree branch. I turn around to see another one of these creatures crawling along the branch. Despite this terrifying picture, I couldn’t help but notice that Andy was on the other side of the web somehow. Right before I know it, I was now on the other side of the web and I remember wanting to complain to the student council right away. This is when I knew this was a college. I walk into the student council room and I notice a dark, empty room illuminated only by the projector that was in the room, which only seemed to project a white screen. A girl walks out of the other door; which looked too much like a closet; that was in the room. Although it was dark, I could make out that she was about 5’2, a mixture of what seemed to be Asian and Mexican with an emphasis on Asian. Her dark brown hair was at a modest length; not long nor short; and was worn down. She looked as if she did not style her hair at all and just simply combed it. Despite this, her hair seemed flowy. She was wearing a navy blue (or white), classic t-shirt that was tucked into her light blue jeans and was rolled up at the sleeves. To complete the outfit, she was wearing black old skool vans. Her style was deceptively simple. I liked it. We’ll call her Vans Girl for now. I frantically tell her about the large crustacean creatures that are by the long staircase with actual fear in my voice. While I’m yelling, she calmly tells me with a pleasant, laid back voice that the crustaceans were just props to scare people and that she put them there. This made my heart drop. All at once, I was relieved, saddened, angered, and most of all, for whatever reason, intrigued.

About 30 unaccounted minutes later, Vans Girl tells me to tag along with her on some errands. At this point, I absolutely did not know what for, I just played along and went with her. She grabbed a gorilla mask in the closet and turned off the projector in the room where we were in. I follow her outside of the room and we walk for about 5 minutes before we reached our destination. Despite not knowing her, I remember that we were not walking in silence. She actually did all the talking for the whole duration of the 5 minutes that we were walking. I was just politely listening. Strangely, I do not remember what she talked about all. All I remember is that I was enticed by her persona. I was more curious if anything. We walked into a building and made our way to the first door to the right. She said ‘watch this’ as she put the gorilla mask on her head and slowly propped the door open to check if the coast was clear. Once she was certain, she made her move. She opened the door suddenly and scared the rest of the student council, who seemed to be in a meeting in a dark room, much like the projector room. I took a quick glimpse at the student council members’ reactions, which ranged from genuinely surprised, to curious shift of the gaze, all the way to blatant disregard, almost as if she has done this before. After the stunt that Vans Girl pulled, she takes my hand and runs away. She probably didn’t need to take my hand because I would have ran anyway. Nevertheless, it felt nice. We ran all the way to what looked like a theme park and/or carnival. There were colored tents that had games, food, rides, and even a big ferris wheel in the distance. We were still running through the carnival with her in the lead, still holding on to my hand. This goes on until I notice the band playing a familiar song. The band was rather large and had pretty much every single brass instrument as well as several string instruments and, strangely, only one guy playing drums on a huge drum set. I look toward the band and subtitles pop into the bottom part of my vision which read [******* by Stevie Wonder starts playing]. I don’t remember exactly which Stevie Wonder song it was, all I know is that it was fast. I start vibing to the song and nodding my head to the beat when I notice Vans Girl is snapchatting the band playing and she pans over to me. I smile at her and she smiles back. I’m having the time of my life. I then look around me and I notice that my friends Brian (Gazo) and Jeffrey (Galang) are with me, also dancing to the music. Everyone around me is dancing to the music, just having a good time, together. This along with the colors of the carnival in the background made the whole experience that much more euphoric.

After the song was over, the band, along with the whole carnival, started packing up. A little while later, the whole area where the carnival used to be was now empty. Some time in the evening, I realized that I completely forgot to ask Vans Girl what her name was. She said her name is Alice. I don’t remember her telling me this, I just got this information along the way I suppose. What remained in front of us was a large reflecting pool surrounded by some trees. Despite this, it was still in the middle of a city. It was around midnight, so Jeffrey, Brian, Alice, and I were some of the only people in the streets. The streetlights were illuminated by gas lamps and reflected off the water of the reflecting pool nicely. I remember congregating right by the water of the reflecting pool with my friends and Alice, talking about whatever was around us. I remember Alice hugging me in a warm embrace. I have found that being hugged by a girl is one of the nicest feelings ever, dream world or otherwise. I get out of her embrace for a second to look for something that I saw underneath a rock by the water with Jeffrey. I then turn around to see her holding Brian the same way. I begin to question myself. ‘This always happens to me,’ I say. ‘Am I not good enough?’ I ask myself. ‘Will I ever find love?’ All these rhetorical questions, never an answer. One of the reasons life is hard to live is because of all the unanswered questions. However, life itself is an unanswered question. So where do we go from there? I digress. What just happened was undone by the rest of the evening. We never left each other’s side for the remainder of our time together. Alice and I found ourselves in a store that looked like a Circuit City and Costco hybrid. It was like a Best Buy, but the size of a Costco and also sold groceries. The floors were hardwood as well. We didn’t even have to hold hands or embrace each other. Her presence was enough for me, and my presence was enough for her. I remember smiling practically the whole time I was with her in the store because of how funny she was. I then notice that she wasn’t wearing the outfit from when I first met her. Instead, she was wearing a short, white, floral sundress and her hair was worn in a bun. She was absolutely beautiful. I remember walking around the whole store and simply looking at stuff and talking about it. She saw a cleaning product and made a joke about it. I saw a facial cleansing product and made a commentary about it. After walking through the whole store doing this, I realized that we missed one crucial section. The movies. I told her this and her eyes widened in agreement. Oh yeahhhh the moviesss! She said in her cute manner. She may or may not have had some food in her mouth at the time. Despite this, I don’t remember going to the movies section and we the next thing I remember was us paying at the cash register. This was about the time I accidentally called her Ashley. She gasped but smiled again right after I corrected myself. She had a lovely smile. Our cashier; an elderly lady with short grey hair who was wearing a baby blue short sleeve shirt; was the sweetest thing and was very nice to us. We’ll call her Gladys to make things easier. I then found out that the reason was because Alice worked at this store. Alice and Gladys were talking to each other with polite smiles that didn’t seem fake at all and next thing I know, Gladys is talking to me saying good things about Alice. It made me more attracted to her to hear these things from Gladys. I remember looking at her intently, she was the only person in the whole store as far as I knew. She was perfect.

And then I woke up.

Part of me wanted to, needed to, get up for school, while a part of me wanted to go back to sleep and see if I could return to Alice. I switched my alarm last night from ‘The Right Time’ by Tuxedo to ‘F.Y.R.A.’ by Trash Talk. F.Y.R.A. played three times before I stopped it and went back to sleep.

I returned to dreamland, but it wasn’t with Alice.

[shoshie]

heeeeyyy ive got song recs 😳 idk how similar my music taste is to urs so ill give u a wide variety of genres

alterlife (rina sawayama)

puppy princess (hot freaks)

still into you (paramore)

wont bite (doja cat ft smino)

at your best (aaliyah)

do it (chloe x halle)

no air (jordin sparks & chris brown)

american boy (estelle & kanye west)

good days (sza)

meadows in japan (serena isioma)

wuthering heights (kate bush)

rhiannon (fleetwood mac)

i wish (stevie wonder)

cranes in the sky (solange)

need u bad (jazmine sullivan)

shut up kiss me (angel olsen)

teenage fantasy (jorja smith)

the adults are talking (the strokes)

truth is (sabrina claudio)

rain (swv)

stay with me (miki matsubara)

ok (wallows)

damage (h.e.r.)

put your records on (corinne bailey rae)

single af (foushee)

spotlight (jennifer hudson)

ohfr (rico nasty)

love (keyshia cole)

on & on (erykah badu)

pynk (grimes & janelle monae)

oh thats a lot ummm. ok well i hope u like some of it, & i tried not to repeat artists so yiud get a better variety of style. ok rock on!! byebye

thank u <3333

alterlife: rina is rly talented isnt she. this is a headbanger for sure, the drums are really nice & she sounds so good !! the production on the vocals & guitar was a bit strange but i loved the lyrics so that made up for it i think. LOVE the key change too

puppy princess: interesting.. i like the instrumentals & the chorus was rly cute!! i was a little distracted through the whole song bc it felt like the singer was a bit pitchy?? like they weren't hitting every note perfectly, idk if thats their style or not aknfsdvjk this was sweet though

still into you: I SHOULD B OVER ALL THE BUTTERFLIIIIEEES!!!!! i have heard this one :D always a fave this is such a good song. hayley williams is such a good singers BANGERRR

wont bite: i think ive heard this bc its a tiktok song :// sucks that that app has ruined so many songs bc i have negative feelings abt all songs that tiktok has popularized even if they're good ksjbfvjk,,,, this song is def very catchy but not my thing

at your best: VOCALS??? this is beautiful i love her voice omg its so soothing nd soft!! the instrumentals were lovely esp the keyboard (maybe? i think thats what it is) & the harmonies OMG the harmonies all around 3:30 are so nice :))

do it: ive heard this but not in a while so i listened to it again to see if my feelings abt it had changed & i like it more than i did before!! theyre so talented like both of their voices are so gorgeous <3 the production is so smooth

no air: i skipped this one bc of chris brown

american boy: this is a good song like idk what else to say about it. it feels like smth u could listen to while walking through the city sort of? it might be bc of the mentions of london & nyc but i digress <3 bop indeed

good days: ive never heard this whole song but its nice! she's a great singer & ik i keep saying this but the instrumentals >>>> very calming feels like sitting by a running stream in the woods :)

meadows in japan: ohhh invented romance i see. beautiful imagery AND THE SWITCH UP A MINUTE IN???? YESSS!!!! so pretty i LOVED the second half of the song so much oh my goodness

wuthering heights: PIANO & SPARKLY CHIMES!! fantasy magical yeeeeeeas omgg. her voice is not what i expected? but it works rly well with the song !!

rhiannon: this is certainly a vibey song yup yup! i like it more than i was expected to i think. love the background vocals & the guitar line is so nice!! fleetwood mac make good music i havent heard more than like. 3 or 4 of their songs but theyre good

i wish: BOP? the horns at the end are so good omg wait this is such a bop hello??? u cant see me but i am doing a little shoulder dance bc of this song. 10/10 would recommend this went in the playlist

cranes in the sky: this is such an atmospheric song omggg i could get lost in this!! fluffy white clouds in summer time!!!!! her voice is BEAUTIFUl & its such a relaxing pretty song wowowow !! love it yes yes

need u bad: why r all these people such good singers ??? this one is stunning too its just bop after bop now ig. this slaps in the best way possible it just has the best vibes. esp w the background vocals & the pretty harmonies i love harmonies so much

shut up kiss me: musically not rly my thing but i like the melody nd the guitar!! i sound like a broken record ik im saying the same thing over & over nd like. not to repeat myself AGAIN but i like the instrumentals :)

teenage fantasy: vibey!!!! love the atmosphere of this one omg its so lovely.. nd i love the little sing-talking at the end & the giggle it was so!! v cute i enjoyed this thoroughly

the adults are talking: GOOD guitar ok?? vocals were a lil repetitive but still a chill bop. it was kinda. upbeat in a chill way yk? like it was fast paced & had energetic drums nd stuff but still not a super AAAHHH sounding song if that makes sense

truth is: the INTRO>>>>>>>> HELLO!! that was so pretty omg the falsetto in the chorus...... this one hits so hard HI its not usually smth id like but i LOVED THIS ACTUALLY!!!

rain: OH THE SOUND EFFECTS... the raindrops on every beat pls the imagery this sounds like. sitting in a rainforest w a ton of fog nd listening to the nature sounds around u.... its beautiful omg the background vocals!!!

stay with me: BOP AND A HALF ok im LISTENING to this one. my ears r wide open this is so good omg the movie vibes... neon lights & food trucks i think! love the horns too omg nd her voice is so good

ok: the intro fucked so hard um. yes & the like. accented beats in the background... love the chorus as well i liked this one :) its a pretty simple song but it works

damage: ok this one is so good i LOVE the sound effects like there was a little twinkly sound nd it adds so much to the song honestly. i love her voice as well, deep voiced women who sing >>>

put your records on: this song has such good memories for me bc i first heard it at my home away from home which is my summer camp so it reminds me of my favorite place & people :) its also such an amazing song and i hate that tiktok guy for ruining it

single af: u rly love good vocalists i see like everyone u have recommended has had an amazing voice. harmonizing on the high notes was awesome! the song just has such a like. confident air "i can proudly say that im single as fuck" like that is the energy im going for

spotlight: oh i didnt expect the song to be about that but i actually really like it! the way she uses the title is super clever :0 the lyrics are awesome & ofc jennifer hudson's voice is so beautiful <3 i liked this!

ohfr: musically this wasnt rly my style but i can def appreciate it as a song! her voice is so unique too the like. raspiness worked rly well i think. i also did like the lyrics

love: cheesy love songs r great. as usual her voice is gorjus nd shes super talented. the song itself was a little bit repetitive for my taste but still super cute :D

on & on: LOVE the wah wah guitar in the background this song is one of those that u could just put on loop forever its so vibey & just timeless sounding almost? it sounds like purple!!

pynk: ive heard this one but thats ok bc its a great song :) their voices work rly well together. the chorus is so funky & fun and the harmonies!! love it

[oneangrygamer]

Valve Hasn't Released A Single Artifact Gameplay Update For 1 Full Year

Valve Hasn’t Released A Single Artifact Gameplay Update For 1 Full Year

Gaben and Valve could care less about Artifact, as evident by the stillborn game’s player count. With that said, I bet Stevie Wonder could see Artifact’s tragic fate a mile away when it was announced, but I digress. As of today, it marks one full year of Artifact going without a single gameplay update, painting a grimmer future for the digital collectible card game. (more…)

[wingedtragedyconnoisseur-blog]

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women's Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

New Post has been published on http://getblackhatdownload.com/get-discover-how-this-brand-new-done-for-you-plr-system-will-help-you-dominateand-profit-in-the-clickbank-womens-weight-loss-niche-download/

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women's Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

Warning: This Will Make You Love ClickBank More Than a Cop Loves Donuts

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

– Even If You’re Tech Unsavvy, Hate Writing And Hate ClickBank Even More!!!

Give Me 5 Reasons Why I Need To Get This!

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

14 Crucial Affiliate Components!

Solid List Building System with Emails!

New done-for-you product with sales copy.

Sell and keep 100% of the profits!

Dominate social media sites!

Hello friend!

Everybody and their plumber knows that ClickBank is one of the hottest marketplaces online. The top affiliates are making six figure incomes with it.

If you’re a successful ClickBank marketer, I know that you’ll grab this package without thinking twice.

If you’re NOT doing well with ClickBank… you and me need to have a conversation. (Even though it’s pretty one-sided)

Let me ask you a question.

Are You Sick and Tired of Trying To Make Money With ClickBank?

You are?… Whaaat? I can’t hear you.

YOU ARE? Of course you are. I knew it.

You’ve tried everything and nothing works. It looks like you’ll never succeed as an affiliate marketer.

Even Stevie Wonder can see that you ain’t going nowhere.

  We’ve all seen sales pages with stats like the one below…

BUT THERE’S ONLY One PROBLEM…

YOURS LOOKS LIKE THIS!

Let me tell you the HARD TRUTH…

Most affiliates never make a cent with ClickBank.

This truth is so hard that just reading it is going to make you constipated later.

You’ve been struggling for months trying to promote ClickBank products and even your plumber earns more.

    See… the online world is a tough one.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, they’ll throw you in a hole and throw away the hole.

But who’s they?… Shh! I don’t know… I just wanted to use that cool line.

What I want you to know is this…

I’ve Got Your Back!

I’ve Got Your Back!

Yes, I do. That’s how we Five-0 people roll. Well actually its just me…

But I’m enough.

I’m going to giving you all the weapons you need to dominate ClickBank.

It’s about damn time you made some money.

You Are Going To Dominate One of ClickBank’s Hottest Niches!

“The Women’s Weight Loss Niche!”

The weight loss niche is huge and anyone can have a slice of the pie.

Too many people worry about the competition. Come on now!

If others are making money with it, SO CAN YOU!

That’s the Five-0 fighting spirit!

We Dominate!

We don’t trail behind others. This is not Keeping Up With The Kardashians!!!

But I digress…

This is what you need to know about the weight loss niche in a nutshell.

It is SUPER HOT! Hotter than Africa!

This is one of the biggest niches online… and women’s weight loss is a subset of this market.

Obesity has become an epidemic and people are fatter than ever.

Some people are so fat that if they bungee jumped, they’d bring down the bridge too.

And they’re all looking to lose the weight! They’re DESPERATE for answers!

This is a billion dollar industry. Just look at the keyword searches, trends and the ClickBank stats!

This niche is definitely a winner. You MUST start with a winning niche. 

I’m Giving You 14 Powerful Tools!

Component 1: Opt In & Thank You Pages

Have you ever noticed how so many affiliates always try to drive traffic and link directly to the sales page?

Even when they’re told that they need a squeeze page… Even when they know that they’re losing leads… they still try direct linking from articles, videos, etc.

Why?… Why Do They Do That?

The answer is simple. They don’t want to create a squeeze page or maybe they don’t know how to. It just seems like too much trouble.

And… that’s why I’m giving you one!

Simple, attractive design that will result in high-conversions.

Mobile responsive.

Just insert your autoresponder code and you’re good to go.

Easy to edit and you won’t need to be Bill Gates to figure it out.

I’ve also included a ‘Thank You’ page to deliver your lead generation report.

Wow… Thanks Arun! But… er… I don’t have a giveaway report. Relax Buddy, I’ve got your back. See Component 2 below.

Just insert your code, upload the pages and start building your list!

Component 2: Venus Factor Promo Report

What in the world is a ClickBank Promo Report?

Excellent question, my friend!… even though I asked it.

It’s a cool giveaway report that is rich in information that potential buyers are looking for.

You can offer it as an opt in gift or give it away to your list.

** This is NOT LIKE any other run of the mill, cheap ass PLR crap that most marketers giveaway to build their list.

The Venus Factor Promo Report is written in an informative and entertaining way that will keep your reader hooked.

More importantly, I’ve deftly weaved in affiliate links that will take the reader to the most popular weight loss products on ClickBank.

All you need to do is add your links! Easy peasey Japanesey!

The promo report will pique the reader’s curiosity about the product and make them click on the affiliate links in the report.

They’ll then be taken to the sales page and they’ll click on the buy button without a second thought.

I wrote the guide in a way that allows you to promote any women’s weight loss product on ClickBank. It’s not exclusive to the Venus Factor.

You could always promote “My Bikini Belly” or “The Beta Switch”… or whatever. Just change the links and you’re good to go!

The Venus Factor Promo Report is 11 pages long and contains 3,489 words – and 3 ClickBank affiliate links.

Component 3: 20 High-Converting Promo Emails

Most people do not buy the product initially. Those unreasonable people just don’t want to make things easy for you.

They want you to expose them to the same offer 7 times before they buy it. So, you need to email them consistently.

I know what you’re thinking… “Oh man! I hate writing emails!”

Well, I’ve got your back… yet again.

I’m giving you 20 high-converting emails that you can load up into your autoresponder. It doesn’t get easier.

These emails will not only offer value but also subtly plug the ClickBank offers. Very smooth, eh?

I knoooow…

  First 5 emails will promote the Venus Factor.

The next 5 will promote My Bikini Belly.

The next 5 after that will promote The Beta Switch.

And the last 5 will promote your very own product!

  But… Arun! I don’t have my own product.

Didn’t I just tell you that I’ve got your back?

Stop making me repeat myself! See Component 4.

Component 4: High-Quality Ebook

There is an over 90% chance that you’ve bought PLR content that was written by me and you didn’t even know it.

I also create PLR for another seller and he has sold thousands of copies of his products. Over and above that, I’ve offered resell rights to a lot of my PLR and many people are selling it as their own.

So what does that tell you?

It tells you that this BRAND NEW eBook that I’ve written absolutely rocks.

Yes… it’ll take you a while to make that mental connection.

The ebook contains tips, tricks and strategies to help women lose weight without starving themselves or torturing themselves at the gym.

Let’s Take a Sneak Peek At What’s Inside

Introduction – You’re Not Alone Chapter 1 – The Struggle Is Real Chapter 2 – Planning & Tracking Your Progress Chapter 3 – Mastering Hunger & Conquering Emotional Overeating Chapter 4 – Do You Need To Diet? Chapter 5 – Whole Foods and Wrong Foods Chapter 6 – Water Not Wine Chapter 7 – The Power of Protein Chapter 8 – Sleep Your Way To Weight Loss Chapter 9 – Finding the Time Chapter 10 – Structuring Your Workouts Chapter 11 – Putting The Fun In It Chapter 12 – Dealing With Slip Ups Chapter 13 – Taking Time To Smell The Roses Chapter 14 – Getting There and Staying There Conclusion

At over 70+ pages long and 10,000 words, this is actionable content that any woman will benefit from.

This report comes in 4 different formats for easy editing.

Component 5: Ready-Made HTML Sales Letter & Thank You Page

So now you have a super cool ebook… And you’re wondering how to sell it.

And once again… even though I’m tired of saying it… I’ve got yo— never mind.

I got a professionally designed, ready-made HTML sales page and a download page for you.

There’s a resource box within the download page so that you can promote related affiliate products. Ain’t that cool!

Even the sales copy is written for you.

All you need to do is upload the pages and you’re ready to start collecting orders.

No need to design your own page.

No need to pay through your nose for a copywriter.

Sell the product, build your list and keep 100% of the profits.

Just look at the beautiful sales page!

Component 6: Awesome Graphics & PSDs

5 Attractive Covers & 5 Banner Sizes

Feeling creative? Want to edit the images? Of course you can. I’ve included all the PNG and editable PSD files for you to modify the graphics.

Banner Sizes: 728×90, 120×600, 468×60, 300×250, 200×200 and 125×125 pixels.

Component 7: 10 Women’s Weight Loss Articles

Listen, buddy… I’m not going to hype this up.

When it comes to PLR articles, I’m one of the best in the business.

These 10 articles are high-quality, informative and above 500 words each.

That’s over 5,000 words of content!

Use them on your sites or blogs and they’ll make you look like an authority on weight loss even if you don’t know a calorie from a gallery.

Articles:

5 Effective Weight Loss Tips for Women Struggling with Their Weight – (695 Words) 7 Appetite Reduction Techniques for Women – 9746 words) Am I Destined To Be Fat? – (568 words) Can I Lose Weight Without Giving Up Junk Food? – (712 words) Can A Woman Be Fat and Still Be Beautiful? – (724 words?) Coping With the Stress of Trying to Lose Weight – (769 words) If 10 Minutes Is All You Have to Exercise… – (528 words) I’m Too Shy to Workout at a Gym! – (584 words) Do I Detox Before Starting a Weight Loss Program – (516 Words) Why Women Should Vary Their Carb Intake for Maximum Fat Loss – (690 words)

Component 8: 3 Detailed ClickBank Reviews

You know what?… I don’t need to hype this up either.

When it comes to ClickBank PLR articles, I’m the best in the business.

And I’m giving you 3 ClickBank product reviews for 3 of the hottest women’s weight loss products.

  The Venus Factor Review – (714 words)

The Beta Switch Review – (823 words)

My Bikini Belly Review – (844 words)

  If you Googled “ClickBank Reviews PLR”… look who shows up in the 1st to 4th place.

Yup! Yours truly. Hell! Even my JV page is ranking.

  This tells you 2 things…

My ClickBank PLR reviews are awesome… and so are my bragging skills.

Use these reviews on your sites and you’ll make sales faster than Obama leaving for a golf game!

  Component 9: 10 Royalty-Free Images

It’s very common for beginner marketers to be so broke that they’re taking out a 2nd mortgage on their cardboard box.

I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt. Ain’t nobody wanna fork out money on stock photos from premium photo companies.

But you still need images for your sites… but you just want them for free…

I get you. Really… I do. That’s why I’m giving you 10 Royalty-Free images that you can use anywhere without worries.

I’ve got your broke back… oh wait… that didn’t sound right. Moving on…

Component 10: Expert Keyword Research Report

Keyword research can make or break you. Many marketers struggle to find buyer rich keywords.

I hired a keyword research expert to bring you a detailed keyword report that shows you the exact keywords you need to be targeting.

Much effort has gone into preparing this report which has long tail keywords and also available exact match domains.

This keyword report will save you a ton of time and effort!

If you want to do affiliate marketing right, you need the right keywords.

You wouldn’t want to be promoting “My Bikini Belly”… and targeting ‘Kim Kardashian Belly Bump’

  Component 11: 10 Cool Tweets

What? You’re a twit when it comes to tweeting?

I feel you. Same here. What’s with the 160 character limit!

Lucky for you… I have included 10 tweets with this package.

You can do what you do best… copying and pasting.

Tough love, buddy. Five-0 style.

Component 12: 10 Interesting Facebook Posts

Leverage the power of Facebook with these 10 Facebook Posts.

Use them on your fan pages or personal timelines. All you need to do is copy and paste.

  Component 13: Social Media Images Pack

If you want traffic to your offers, you’ll need to use sites such as Facebook, Instagram and the other social media sites.

They have massive traffic and reach. You can use these social media images on these sites and even on your own sites to motivate the sites visitors.

The more eyeballs you have on your posts, the more traffic you’ll get to your offers.

So… start posting like a postman on roids!*

*Roids is short for steroids… not hemorrhoids. Just saying.

Component 14: License Pack

  Since James Bond has a license to kill and even guys caught for shoplifting have the right to remain silent… I don’t want you to feel left out.

So, I’m giving you licenses and rights too. You get the Resell Rights and Master Resell Rights to – “From Flab To Fab”

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

3 Super Cool Bonuses!

Running for Weight Loss (Created by me)

Women On Weights

Fitness Tracking

You Have 2 Choices Now…

It’s crunch time, partner…

This is where the pedal hits the metal and rubber meets the road.

You either struggle to create all the components yourself or you get this package and save yourself a whole bunch of money and time.

Let’s look at how much creating a ClickBank Domination Package will cost you… and unlike other marketers, I’m NOT going to ridiculously inflate the prices.

Let’s keep things real.

Either you’ll have to do it all yourself… or you may choose to outsource.

If you do decide to pay someone else, the $700 number is a very moderate estimate.

You can expect to spend more in both money and time.

Dealing with freelancers can be a real hassle. Even Freddy Krueger has nightmares about them.

If you do decide to do it yourself, that’s cool… but the time and effort spent on the product creation, graphic design, etc. will almost put you in an early grave.

During this time you could have already made money with my ClickBank Weight Loss Domination PLR.

You know what… I’m so confident in this package that I’ll take my foot out of my mouth and put it where my money is!

“Arun! What does that even mean?!”

It Means This!

I’m not going to hard sell you this package because the value speaks for itself… and I’m too cool to twist your hand just to get a sale.

I’ll Give You One Reason Why You Should Get This Done-For-You Package Now!

The offer is on a dimesale. The price keeps rising with each sale.

Once the launch period is over, the price will jump to $19.95.

If you hired someone to put together such a package for you, it would cost you more than 7 hundred dollars!

In all honesty, mine will be better. Modesty, Arun! Please!

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

“Hey Arun, You Sure Talk a Storm… But Is Your PLR Any Good?”

Wait what?

Did you just?… You didn’t just…

HO! You did!

It’s time to school you with some real keeping it straight talk right here.

Flaming Hot PLR Will…

Save You Time!

Creating content on your own can be so draining and time-consuming that the zombies on The Walking Dead will have more energy and a better social life than you.

Save You Money!

What? Some bloke is charging you $15 for a 500 word article. Tell him to take a hike with the zombies. Flaming Hot PLR can rival most freelancers who charge more than they’re worth. Those oxygen thieves!

Make You Look Like an Authority!

You will gladly put your name to my PLR content. Don’t believe me? Read the reviews below. Go ahead… I can wait.

Improve Your Sex Life!

Oh come on! Really? Yup! My PLR is that good!

Still Don’t Believe Me? Check Out the Buyer Reviews Below!

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

“Fine! Fine! I’ll Get This!… Just Tell Me The Rights, Will Ya?”

The rights for the above package are simple but they vary for the different components.

This is by design and not because I’m a control freak. I want those who buy this package to have an edge.

You can’t have an edge if everybody and their plumber owns this package.

Personal Use Rights – You May NOT Sell or giveaway.

Component 1: Opt In Page & Thank You Page Component 3: 20 Autoresponder Emails Component 7: 10 Weight Loss Articles Component 8: 3 ClickBank Reviews Component 10: Keyword Research Report Component 11: Cool Tweets Component 12: Facebook posts

  Personal Use Rights with PDF Giveaway  

Component 2: Promo Report

[YES] You can give this away in PDF format to those who opt in to your list… or to those who are already on your list. [YES] You can sell it in PDF format.

  Resell Rights & Master Resell Rights

Component 4: High-Quality Ebook Component 5: HTML Sales Letter & Thank You Page Component 6: Awesome Graphics Component 9: Royalty Free Images Component 13: Social Media Images Pack Component 14: License Pack

[YES] Can resell this product. (Suggested resell price – $7 and above) [YES] Can add this product as a bonus to other products. [YES] Can edit the sales letter. [YES] Can giveaway the product as a bonus when someone buys through your affiliate link. [YES] Can add this product to a PAID membership site. [YES] Can be given to list subscribers. [YES] Can be used for personal use. [NO] You may NOT edit the contents of the eBook. [NO] You may NOT giveaway the main eBook for free. [NO] You may NOT claim copyright to the content

2 rules apply across the board for all components.

[No] You cannot give away or sell the package with the source files as your own PLR (e.g DOC & PSD files… because that’s my job.) [No] You may not use my name with the PLR.

[GET] Discover How This Brand NEW, Done For You PLR System Will Help You Dominateand Profit In The ClickBank Women’s Weight Loss Niche DOWNLOAD

[markwatkinsconsumerguide]

Consumer Guide / No.52 / Singer-songwriter Nancy Nova with Mark Watkins.

MW : Why pick 'Nancy Nova' as your stage name?

NN : At the beginning of my career, I was working with Ken Gibson (who became my husband and father to my four boys) and Roberto Danova. They were a great team, wonderfully talented and just a little bit off the wall!

Well….(I can feel this interview may go on for some time!) , well, they wanted to make an album with me…how could I refuse?…….and we decided to have a Kookie kind of name to go with my Kookie little voice!! (I don’t know if Kookie is a real word at all. Forgive me, I’m inclined to make words up!! I’m sure there are unreal words in The Force, for example : )

….where were we? Soooo…..we all liked the end of Robbie’s name , Nova (he’s Italian you know),…new star n all..and alliteration is always catchy! …I liked Nancy, as in Oliver Twist and Sinatra…so that was it!!

MW : "The voice" : how did you discover you could sing to professional standards? What is your vocal range? How do you keep your vocal chords in top condition?

NN : Do you know, I’ve never thought about singing to “professional standards”. I would if I sung classically but this is art and self expression.I’ve always loved singing but I was never that confident singing to an audience.

Having Kingbones (Ken) as my producer was amazing. He was a perfectionist and I was far from perfect. There were many hours in the studio, many tears, much laughter and I learnt that way.

The recording studio is my favourite place to create. Oh how I love layering on those harmonies and getting a line or expression just right in a song. I’ve got a big range, but don’t know what it is!! Four octaves or something. My vocal chords are probably not in top condition but I have always been healthy.

I do vocal exercises, I do yoga, walk, swim, dance…eat healthily…always have. I don’t do vocal exercises every day at the moment and it takes about two-three weeks of daily exercises to get back a good, confident singing voice.

It’s like horse riding - when you can guide that horse with the lightest touch on the reins….it feels like the same control, for me, as singing with a well exercised voice.

MW : Share some of your favourite memories of your much missed Father, Bob Holness...

NN : Oh my goodness. There are so many!! He and my Mother met in a theatre company in South Africa. They played romantic couples on stage and then got married for real! I was born, and then my Sister 18 months later. We moved back to London when I was six, but I have vivid memories of those first years.

My Father used to host radio shows and we always had the radio on. I was raised on 1950’s and 1960’s pop…….Heaven. I think that was when I began singing. It just seemed natural. In retrospect, I think my parents were the golden couple of theatre and radio in Durban.They also performed in radio plays. We have many newspaper articles about them. I’ve never really thought about that until just now. They had many theatrical friends and took us to all the parties where there was music, swimming, warm nights with hanging lanterns in the garden.

But I digress. My Father’s crazy sense of humour …wonderful. Silly voices, silly walks, silly languages. He could have you in stitches just walking along the pavement, or eating breakfast. He had charisma. He would walk into a room and there was a magic. That lasted.

MW : How do you think you might have fared on your Father’s famous quiz show, ‘Blockbusters'?

NN : Oh dear!. I’d have been ok on the arts questions and, strangely enough, biology but maths, politics and history, no way!

MW : Didn't you sit in on many of your Fathers late night radio shows? Tell me about those times, and any thoughts on the recent cutbacks at BBC Radio 2 equating to no live radio shows overnights...

NN : Oh yes! I was so lucky. I went to TV studios and up in a helicopter for LBC News, all with my Father. Radio was his first love. When he did ‘Late Night Extra’…which I think was Radio’s One and Two together (on a Monday night) he would tell us who he was going to interview ; if it was a scrummy actor, or pop singer, Ros and I would beg him to be able to go. It was a huge treat as the show went on until, I think midnight!! Well, this must have been in the holidays that it happened ….and it was all live, which, of course, gave it that extra frisson.

I’m afraid I haven’t kept up with the situation today but are you saying that there are no live BBC radio shows overnight anymore? How sad. There used to be such a magic with night-time radio. Luxembourg and Caroline under the bed covers!!

MW : Your sister, Ros, featured (as you did early on) in Toto Coelo. You were in the charts, solo, with ‘Made In Japan’ at the very same time as ‘I Eat Cannibals’. Tell me about that successful period and any sibling rivalry?! Also, why do you think their follow-up, ‘Dracula's Tango’, fared less well on the UK charts?

NN : Isn’t it odd? Toto Coelo could have been as successful as The Spice Girls. They were great to look at, had great dance routines, fab fashion sense, ….I got us to dress up in bin liners!!. They had really good voices too, and very strong songs. I think it must have been marketing.

Being in that group was wonderful. We worked really hard with singing, recording, dance routines and then performing in loads of venues. It was through being in Toto Coelo that EMI saw me perform and offered me my world wide contract. I couldn’t not…it was a dream…and the other girls understood that. Then they found Anita to replace me. All good. It was strange the way Ros and I were both in the charts at the same time. Because of that, there couldn’t really be any sibling rivalry, and Toto Coelo reached a much higher position : )

‘No, No, No’ was my second single with EMI. It charted in the UK at number 62, I think!! However, it was number 3 in Portugal, and quite high in a lot of Europe. ‘Made In Japan’ never charted in this country. By far the stronger song, in my opinion!

MW : You have moved from Devon to Oxfordshire. Why was that, how was the move?

NN : At the time I was longing to get back to North London, which I consider home. Hampstead in particular. My then partner didn’t like the idea - being raised in Oxfordshire originally - so we compromised.

I’m a Buddhist…we don’t compromise!! : )

That was 3 years ago.Things have changed. I shall be moving home!

MW : What do you like seeing and doing in Oxfordshire?

NN :  Oxford is a wonderful City and I’m privileged to be within walking distance of all the theatres and museums . The architecture is wonderful and then, still within walking distance are fields, farms, boats on the river and cosy village pubs.

MW : You enjoy art and the drama of theatre, what exhibitions and plays have you visited/participated in recently...?

NN : Oh, I love art, theatre, film and song. I’ve seen too many plays and films to mention. I did, however, go to three concerts last summer. Carole King, Stevie Wonder and Burt Bacharach. Oh joy!!

I participated in quite a few solo art exhibitions in Devon, showing my large abstracts. Then this year I was chosen to exhibit in the Oxford International Art Fair.

That was great to be amongst so many diverse artists. To be able to see your customers and what they take home was thrilling. Most of my sales have been made without me there.That’s what it’s always about for me….having a wonderful time creating and seeing people benefit from that creativity.

MW : How 'European' are you in your outlook? In what ways does this reflect in your lifestyle and opinions?

NN : Gosh!, I’ve never thought about it…especially the “outlook”!! I was born in South Africa, to English parents…but that's nothing to do with “outlook”. I’ve just looked the word up…apart from :- “view from window”, or, “one’s general view of life”, when you refer to Europe , it seems to mean, “the deteriorating economic outlook”. Well, you have the wrong person there!! I don’t go for negativity, so I don’t make a point of watching the news, or complaining about people, and certainly not politics.

On the other hand , I love different countries, European or not. I have worked in quite a few. Different cultures, cuisines, dress, landscapes, history, geography, weather, people, opinions. I celebrate Individualism. Peaceful, respected differences give the world colour and excitement. I also celebrate Independence, and have never been good at doing what I’m told…I let that go when I left home at eighteen!! Perhaps you can draw your own conclusions from that as to where I stand politically re Europe!! : )

MW : To date, what’s your biggest regret? ...your best decision?

NN : ’Tis a cliche but I can’t think of anything that I would do differently in my life. I think my terrible shyness, when younger, did hold me back but I can’t regret that, as that was me and I’m not going to regret being me!!!

My best decision?... without a doubt, marrying my Husband, the love of my life. My Parents and others were against it because of the age gap (I was eighteen when we met) and although living apart, Ken was still married. All my dreams came true when I met that man.

He was my Husband, Producer, Co-writer, Best Friend and Father to my four boys, Ken Gibson (Kingbones) died a couple of years ago. I haven’t written a song since. I will, in time.

MW : Tell me about your new music and new art...

NN : I’m in the process of moving back to London, so much is on hold until then. I haven’t written a song since Ken died, but recently I’ve been itching to write a new album. Just the thought excites me…..as does painting. I’ve always been an artist, since I was a child. Painting, writing….they both take me to a higher dimension . Again, once I move house, I shall be visiting that place frequently.

MW : What are your plans, personally and professionally, for 2018?

NN : My plans for next year are exciting. I’ve just started acting again after years of not! I now have an agent and have just spent the summer on a film. I’m loving it, so much more of all that. Then there’s the new album and more painting……and, once I’m back in London, I’m going to get a little band together and do some shows. One of my Son’s is just finishing the new web site, (it’s not been cared for recently, sorry !!) so all will be revealed there. As always www.nancynova.com

© Mark Watkins / September 2017