#starting to feel the weight of the project I've set out for myself

[mrrapthor]

"V" for "Vow" Part 2.2

Here's that flashback, I'll probably compile all of part 2 into a master post once they're done

Previous part

[teaboot]

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)

[drdemonprince]

In reading your latest piece, I think I've stumbled onto something akin to a personal epiphany. You describe transition as an act of "want" (Chu's longing for gossip and yours for the life of an eternal bachelor) and I've realized that I think as a consequence of growing up autistic, I've obliterated the concept of personal want. I don't know if I truly ever want anything? How do I even know what I truly want (versus what other people tell me I should want)? Is there an opposite of resentment I can tune into so I can tell what I want when my conscious mind is unable to provide me an answer?

I think the place is to start with what you don't want. What I describe as "wanting the bachelor life forever" in my piece is actually a desire born out of negation: I don't want kids, I don't want marriage, I don't want responsible adulthood and the weight that that carries, I want to feel free-roaming and open to random experiences. What i knew most viscerally for myself was what felt wrong, and owning up to those feelings no matter how socially inconvenient they might be was what made it possible for me to articulate what I proactively did find desirable.

I recommend rejecting a lot of things, disappointing a lot of people, being disobedient, setting boundaries, all of that stuff that I have been writing about for a very long time (check out the pieces on those subjects if you haven't already, but from the sound of it you probably have). And then when it comes to positively desiring things, you've got to start small. Find a little thing to look forward to every day, or every week. In my household, Wednesdays and Fridays are Dunkin Donuts days. Instead of making coffee at home, you get a little treat. That makes getting a coffee out of the house still feel precious and special while also making it attainable, and gives the work week a little horizon to peak over at its mid point.

I so look forward to the weekly streams on Friday with @testdevice, too. Afterward I usually get a meal somewhere and then go out for some kind of weekend activity -- drinking and watching Drag Race at Roscoe's, a movie, dancing, whatever. I make forming plans for the weekend a task I set out for myself at the top of every week. I find street festivals, concerts, craft fairs, protests, little things to do that I know will be meaningful to me. Small pleasures parceled out on a regular schedule provide a pleasing structure to life. It makes the forward march of time feel more exciting and keeps daily life from being defined by obligation and drudgery. Sometimes it's something like playing a video game at home or meeting up at a friend's house for a movie night and snacks. However you can swing it, you gotta have little things to look forward to, I think, in order to enjoy being alive and to get into the habit of thinking more expansively about what you want. you can making finding things that you want to do a regular project, a practice.

A lot of life is experimenting with new experiences and relationships with other people to find out what you actually like. It's not some profound act of introspection. People block themselves off from a lot of meaningful aspects of life by thinking the answers come from plumbing the depths of their soul and finding their true calling or true desire divorced from everything else. There is no self outside of experience and social connection.

And so the best way to find out what you want is to try a lot of different things. Go watch your friend at their competitive poker tournament. Volunteer to clean litter off the beach. Foster a bunny rabbit. Make a casserole. Darn a sock. Buy some handmade jewelry. Visit a museum with a coworker you kinda might like the company of. Invite someone over for dinner. How it plays out and how you feel about it is all data about the kind of person you are becoming.

I also wouldn't get too bogged down in the idea that wants can only come from the pursuit of happiness. I got a few really well intentioned asks this week that I never answered about what brings me joy, what makes me happy. Truth is, I'm not someone who experiences happiness easily and i might never be. That is okay. I still have a life that holds meaning because I AM very good at finding things interesting. i like talking to people, learning from them, watching things play out in real time.

You don't have to feel some kind of abiding soul connection to an activity or sense that a way of life will absolutely make you happy in order for it to interest you, help you grow, bring your life meaning. Other people might not want to read long history books about genocide and the social construction of race in order to bring their life pleasure, but those activities engage my mind and make me feel more firmly rooted in the actual world. they're interesting and rewarding to study, and so i do it. i say yes to a lot of invitations purely because i've never seen what horse racing is like or because i want to see if i'll still get nauseated if i ride a boat now as an adult. it's interesting. it might not make me happy or be fun. but i like a life better with those experiences. those are the things i gravitate to and want. and you can find what you want, too, and it will always keep changing probably.

[less-dev]

We're making a Starbound/Terraria inspired space sandbox game!

We're making a 2D sandbox game similar to Starbound! Or uh, terraria in space.

#nodev contains shitposting

#planetarium contains dev progress

Specifics under the cut

Who are you?

Aspen - Project Lead, Programmer, Pixel artist, Sound Designer.

Hey! I'm Aspen, I've been programming and making games for many many years in basically every engine there is... But never felt the drive to finish one, until now! I consider myself very experienced in the engine we're using (Gamemaker Studio 2.5) and have confidence we'll be able to make this game a reality. I also run the Tumblr account, so assume it's me behind the wheel as a default. Thank you for checking the game out!

Alec - Concept artist, Character Designer

H a l l o I'm Alec, I like writing and drawing and painting and designing shiiiiiiiit. I adore world building and have frequent bursts of creative possession in which I conceive and birth the greatest ideas and concepts in a mere moment. Otherwise, I can be a total dumbass and completely useless. I'm good at colours 👌 I have been a 85% a home-brew DM for about 2 years now and that is the greatest proof of my ADHD-given God powers of creativity. Slay.

What a cool guy!

Design pillars

Immersion. Above all else, I would like roleplay (casual or serious) to be natural and well supported. I would like players to find engaging with the world, and it's characters to be very personal.

Innovation. Tropes such as "You spawn in a green forest and can walk left or right" will be actively avoided. Biomes will have generation that presents more unique movement opportunities. Such as geysers in rock pools launching players high up, or giant twisting vines that hold up chunks of land to hop between.

More quality less quantity. Planets will be significantly more content-dense than Starbound, and perhaps controversially travel between them will be more difficult/expensive as well. This would encourage players to take advantage of all the resources presented on each planet, instead of hopping from one to the next. This would also encourage us throughout development to give each planet as much love as possible. Each planet should feel like a 'miniature terraria world'. Though actually achieving that is easier said than done.

Meaningful content. Procedurally generating creatures from 100 different pre-set monster parts could technically produce limitless alien creatures for players to encounter. But in both No Man's Sky and Starbound. I find this novelty to wear off quick, these creatures are not manually, meaningfully crafted and beyond an unusual appearance and some shallow gameplay changes... They do not create much of a memorable experience for the player. In my opinion, anyway. I would rather hand-craft every creature and make them all significantly unique and interesting. That's not to say procedurally generated creatures won't ever have a place in the game, but they certainly wont be as prevalent as others games.

Okay well... What's finished?

Fundamental lighting shaders akin to Starbound.

Some world generation brushes and basic commands.

A text mark-up language (heavily optimised), and game chat.

Extensive custom debugging tools

Hard and soft-loading of chunks to save on as much memory and CPU usage as possible.

Complete unloading, and compression of chunks on top of the previously mentioned system. As well as a live-saving system.

Setting, Story baseline, and conceptualization of the first 3 playable species. Each species will have a different starting planet, and immediately different playthrough.

Designs and cultures of several additional unplayable races.

Character proportion tests, sprites and sketches.

First-pass on collision functions.

Weighted Tile variance and tile connections.

CONCERNS

Multiplayer. While I have made an online multiplayer game before and it's definitely doable for this game, it would require some practice in a one-off test game to be fully confident. It would also take a LOT of time.

Modding. As far as I know gamemaker games are notoriously difficult for players to modify. Something like Unity is far easier even without mod support. Gamemaker on the other hand is difficult even if I want to design systems in favor of modders. This is kind of a problem for later, I have faith there'll be something we can do to make it work... But a cursory look says it won't be easy. I would be extremely disappointed if there was nothing we could do.

[crescencestudio]

2023: A Year of Connection

Hi everyone!

As I told you last month, this month's "devlog" will be more like an end-of-year recap. For those of you who have known me a while, you'll know that I get ~in my feels~ and Very Nostalgic at the end of the year. And this year is no exception to that.

Looking back on this year, I realize I did much more than I thought I did. The year was filled with so many waves of uncertainty, burnout, and ruts, that I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything in the moment. Now that the year has actually wrapped up, I can see that was Once Again my imposter syndrome whispering words of sweet nothings into my ears.

In fact, this year, I find that I did Way More than what I did last year. Crazy, considering how busy I remember 2022 being. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Writing

If there is one thing this bitch did, it's fucking write LFMASODIJ. For all my complaining this year of routes taking too long, getting creative ruts, etc., I still wrote (what I consider) a Very Good amount. While I may not have hit my writing goals that I had set out, I still ended up writing around 255k words in total this year. Most of this being for Alaris, and some of it being for my dissertation (LOL) and other side games, like Intertwine and Jam Games.

This number also doesn't include deleted passages, edited passages, etc., so the amount I've spent writing, reviewing, etc. was Significant this year. Here's to hoping that momentum continues into next year and finishing the rest of Alaris!

Side Games

Something completely unexpected, but that I'll forever be grateful for, was my decision(s) to join game jams this year. It all started with Otojam, a visual novel jam I'd wanted to join for a WHILE.

Intertwine was, without a doubt, one of my most memorable moments from this year. The friends I made/grew closer to during that jam. The people I connected with because of Intertwine. The people I got to work with. Everything about the experience surpassed my expectations, and Van and Summer 2023 will always hold a very special place in my heart because of it. Thank you to everyone who enjoyed that game. It was my first full game I ever released, and I couldn't have been more nervous about it (no literally. I wasn't sleeping and I was nauseous for a week before release).

Knowing there was no "revision" afterwards that I could hide behind or promise that there would be a "better"/"enhanced" version made the release terrifying. But the reception you all gave to it and support from so many friends made me feel so connected and grateful for the community.

The other three side projects were... well, Unexpected. LOL. Before these jams, I'd never wanted to work in team settings, mostly because I have Mad Imposter Syndrome, and I've always imagined I'd be dead weight in any given game dev team. My skills on writing, art, and/or coding alone aren't "exemplary" enough for me to think I, well, deserve to be on a team. But when a couple of short jams were being held by a friend, and teams were being made filled with other friends, I thought maybe I could help, even if it's just to QA/playtest. But I've walked away from each of these experiences learning so much from other talented people and with very dear friends.

Each of these side games truly tested my chops in terms of writing, narrative design, and coding. But I'm glad I challenged myself to take part in each of these experiences because I've walked away with so much more than I would've expected.

Alaris

My Heart. My Soul. And at times, My Worst Enemy.

As much as I may have talked about how I Wasn't making progress on this baby. I, in fact, made A LOT of progress:

Art: 15 CGs, Updated Sprites, Kickstarter Artwork

Commissions: 20 BGs, Complete GUI, Personality/Affection Indicators, Editing, Voice Acted Lines, Complete OST (8 Tracks!)

Writing: Three Finished Routes

Shipped Kickstarter Merchandise

I'm going to be Real with you all. I'm not in the mood to recap everything for Alaris in the way I did with everything else LAFKMSDFOIJWOEI. Main reason being, I do that Every Month, and at this point, I would feel like I'm repeating myself for no reason. But let me tell you, when the Enhanced Demo comes out, you will see what I'm talking about with progress made. And I'm excited for the next year when I start getting to show things off (read: Demo Release and Route Beta Releases) now that assets have really come together ^^

I will say, thank you for sticking with this project for so long. It's easy to get bogged down in development when a project like this is as big as it is. It's just as easy to think that no one will care about this by the time I release, or people will start losing their patience with me as development goes on. So I'm forever grateful for how kind, supportive, and patient you all are, especially this year <3

Connections: The True Theme of 2023

If you've made it this far, I'm extremely impressed with you. And to reward you, I'll give you a moment of honesty and vulnerability which, to be frank, I Don't Do as a person and especially with my dev persona LMFAOO ((Before I do, let it be known, CW: mention of death, grief, alcoholism, chronic illness, suicidal thoughts))

Something I don't talk about much is that for all of 2022 and most of 2023, I was not in a good place mentally. At the beginning of 2022, I lost three very important people in my life back-to-back (I'm not exaggerating when I say back-to-back it was within 2 weeks, three separate deaths lol). That, on its own, was hard to deal with. But on top of that, I soon found myself having to cope/help with a family member's chronic illness and another family member's mental health (read: alcoholism, suicidality).

While this isn't a particularly unique situation, it was one that I found myself struggling with pretty severely on top of a pretty demanding work life. And it was a situation I found myself in until about midway through this year. Things have lightened up. I navigate a new life with some pretty severe triggers, and without the presence of some of my most loved ones. But overall, I at least feel like I can breathe and function, which is a state I didn't feel like I could exist in for over a year (and started to believe I may never exist in again).

Because of this new room in my life, I was able to connect with people again, in a more genuine way. I've grown closer to a lot of dev friends, to the point I consider some of them genuine close friends. And IRL, I've been able to reconnect with some of my dearest loved ones. The main reason I bring all of this up is because this year, I felt unbelievably connected to people, whether that was dev friends in the community, people who support my games, and IRL people.

And sometimes, when you interact with people solely online, it's easy to think they don't care as much about you as you do for them. But this has been disproven to me time and time again this year. And I've found myself in a state of appreciation for so many of the people I've been blessed to meet and befriend <3 I felt this especially so during some of the game jams, with the Secret Santa gift exchange, and with my recent Holiday Tree.

So thank you for everyone who has let me take up some space in their life. You literally Do Not Know how much it means to me and impacts me. This year, while I started it in a state of slightly hopelessness and numbness, I find myself ending it with gratitude and connection.

I hope the rest of this year (the very few couple of days we have left LOL) treats everyone well. I'm excited for how we get to start 2024 and what we'll get to experience together <3 Thank you again for the memories and support, love you all very dearly ^^

[writingforstraykids]

Addicted to you Chp.21

Pairing: Minchan (mention of OT8)

Word Count: 4613

Summary: Chan and Minho organize a long break for the whole group, knowing they all need one after these troubling times. Five months later, Chan gets a taste of Minho in his best form, and he couldn't be more proud.

Warnings/Tags: fluff, cuddles, smut, min is insecure about his weight gain, small misunderstanding, the boys are in love

Chp. 20 | Back to the beginning

A/N: Thank you to everyone who made it this far and enjoyed the story. Thank you for the lovely requests and comments, they made the whole process so much more fun. My first Stray Kids project is officially "done". As always, I am open to writing more as long as you have concrete wishes and ideas. I've enjoyed writing this series a lot, delving a little more into the aspects of their hidden relationship, the insecurities and challenges that come with that, and so on. So please, if you'd like more, maybe also about the other pairings in this specific setting, don't hesitate to let me know - Nat🖤

Setting fire to my already tamed feelings Don't make me bad, bad Addicted to you Once we've started, you must be mine Addicted to you - Lee Know, Felix & Hyunjin

“I need a break,” Chan announced to the room. Everyone stared at him, surprised but curious about the sudden confession. Everyone just finished lunch and gathered in the living room to relax. 

“Uh, thanks for the warning?” Felix chuckled.

“We all do,” Chan continued on. The boys began to share confused expressions. “We’ve been working our asses off ever since Minho came back. None of us has had time to rest.”

“That’s true,” Changbin nodded.

“I talked to our management and got us all a month off,” he said and smiled as they all looked at him with a mixture of shock and excitement. “I want you all to go home for a while. Check in with your families, spend some time with them. I’ll be leaving a few days earlier than you all. I promised my mum to stay with them for a while after they found out most of what happened through our recent interviews. If you’d like, we could still go on vacation together during the last week. Maybe you all could come to Australia again.”

“That was quite fun,” Jeongin nodded excitedly. 

“And they approved all of us leaving for a month?” Jisung asked, stunned.

“It took some work,” Minho admitted. “But we’ve told them that the past few months have been too much not only for Chan and myself. I, more or less, let them know that they’d have to deal with more public breakdowns if we wouldn’t get a break soon,” he laughed. 

“Which was quite convincing, apparently,” Chan giggled. “So vacation starts in two days. Felix, you’ll still have to attend that fashion event in four days, but then you’re free to leave.”

“Sounds good to me,” Felix smiled excitedly. He couldn’t wait to go back home for a while. “My parents would love to see you guys again.”

“My mother hasn’t been talking about anything else since I suggested it,” Chan snorted.

“As long as she makes us that amazing dinner from last time again,” Hyunjin grinned.

“I bet she will,” Seungmin laughed.

"Australia it is then," Minho nodded, chuckling at his friends. As everyone continued the conversation, his heart warmed seeing the people he loved most…happy. 

-

Chan had been gone for a week now. Everyone else, besides Felix and Minho, left for home two days ago. Minho decided to stay with Felix before he flew to Australia so he didn’t have to stay at the house all by himself. 

“How’s Chan?” Felix asked one evening as they sat together on the sofa. 

“He’s having a bit of a hard time, I think,” Minho told him. “His parents are still really worried. His sister was pretty pissed he didn’t tell her how he was feeling instead of having to find out through the interviews.”

“She’ll calm down in a few days,” Felix chuckled. 

“That’s what I told him,” he nodded, but a slight unease still lay in his tone. 

“But?” Felix asked, picking up on it.

“You know Chan, he always gets a little depressed without us there,” he shrugged and leaned back. “He keeps telling me how much he misses me. He never did that before either. It’s not like we haven’t been apart for this long before,” he giggled softly.

“You never meant this much to him before,” he reminded him kindly. 

“Fair point,” Minho sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

“I have an idea,” he told him excitedly. “You’ve just visited home, and you always visit your parents after therapy. I bet they wouldn’t mind if you’d come with me instead.”

“To Australia? So early?” he asked, opening his eyes to give Felix a confused look. 

“Yeah. I always book two seats to have some peace during the flight so I can take you with me easily,” he told him. “We could surprise Chan with you just showing up at the front door.”

Minho giggled softly. “That would actually be fun.”

“Come on, call your mum. I’m sure she’d agree,” he laughed.

Minho quickly grabbed his phone, calling his mother. “Hi, mum,” he said cheerfully. “I have a question,” he got straight to the point, putting her on speaker. But there was no response, to Minho’s disbelief. “Mum?” he called out with a small whine, a cute pout beginning to rest on his lips.

“You’ll be leaving for Australia early?” she asked, laughing as Minho gasped.

“How the hell did you guess that?” he asked, stunned. Felix started laughing at him in the background.

“Oh please! You were talking about your boyfriend nonstop when you came over last week. Also, you’ve been visiting here so often now that I knew you wouldn’t feel bad not coming to stay with us for a few weeks,” she laughed. “I bet he really misses you, Min.”

“He does,” Minho nodded.

“You should go,” she told him kindly. “Felix?” she asked, quickly identifying him by his cheerful laugh. 

“Yes?” he asked politely. 

“Take care of him on that flight, yeah?” she asked. 

“Of course I will,” he promised. “I’ll bring him back to you safely.” Minho’s mom gave her goodbyes and ended the call. 

Minho smiled widely and pulled Felix into a warm, gentle hug. “Thank you, Felix.”

Felix nodded and hugged Minho, squeezing him tightly. “Of course, Minho.”

-

Chan was still lying in bed, scrolling through his phone and trying to stay awake. He tossed and turned all night, and the lack of sleep was trying to lure him back into a deep slumber. He yawned softly and stretched his tired body. He began smiling as he heard the small patter of his dog coming down the hallway and into his room, hopping on the bed. “Hi Berry,” he said softly.

“Chris?” his mother called out for him from downstairs.

“Yes mom?” he shouted back, not really feeling like moving. 

“Someone’s here to see you,” she said. “Can you come down here for a moment?”

He groaned softly. If his mother asked in that tone, he was sure it was a friend of theirs wanting to see how their idol son was doing, maybe even collecting a few autographs on the way. “Fine,” he groaned, quickly pulling a sweater over his head to cover his naked chest. He walked down the stairs, not noticing the person standing next to his sister with a grumble to himself. “I swear if this is another - Minho?!” he asked, his jaw dropping as he finally looked up at the visitor in question. 

“Surprise?” he asked gently. Before he knew it, Chan was in his arms, lifting and spinning him around. “Channie, nooo” he giggled, wrapping his legs around his waist. “I just stepped off the plane, go easy on me!”

“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I could’ve picked you up from the airport,” he pouted, a whine can be heard through his tone. 

“Hannah did,” Minho said gently. Chan looked at her surprised, not believing she was in on the surprise. “Felix had an extra seat, and we decided to surprise you.”

“When do you leave?” he asked.

“Whenever you leave,” he told him. Chan’s smile widened. Minho laughed as he put him back down on the ground and hugged him tightly. 

“And where will you be staying?” he asked, still not fully grasping that he was actually there.

“Here, you dumbass,” Hannah told him, rolling her eyes at him.

“Your mum said it would be alright,” Minho said gently.

“Of course it is!” she assured him with a bright smile. “You’re always welcome here, Minho.”

“Thank you,” he smiled at her. Chan couldn’t help himself anymore and kissed him passionately, pulling him in close. Minho grunted softly, but returned the kiss happily. He pulled back and stared at him, a bit dazed. “I suppose you told them about us?” 

“Obviously,” Chan laughed.

“I told him fighting to get you back to the group was the one thing he did right the past few weeks,” Hannah said teasingly. 

Minho giggled softly and pulled her into a hug. “I missed you too, little sister,” he said fondly. “But don’t be too hard on him, alright? I wasn’t exactly easy to be around either.”

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes, but they knew she meant well. Minho was always fond of Hannah since the day they met. 

Minho smiled at Chan and reached out for him, grabbing his hand. “I think I need a nap.”

“That’s the jetlag,” he chuckled. “I had another shitty night myself, let’s go.” Minho followed him upstairs to his room, giggling as Chan threw the door closed and kissed him needily. “Fuck, I missed you, baby.”

“I missed you too, love,” he said softly, wrapping his arms around his neck. “So, so much.” Chan buried his face in his shoulder, hugging him even tighter. “Are you okay?” his voice laced with care and warmth, fondling his hair. 

“Yeah,” he whispered, hot tears burning in his eyes. 

“Channie?” he asked gently, pulling back a little and lifting his face. “Oh, angel,” he whispered.

“I really fucking missed you, that’s all,” he assured him.

“You’re so cute,” he told him, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m here now. I won’t stop getting on your nerves for a whole month,” he smirked. “There’s no staff to stop us either. And the others get here in three weeks.”

“Sounds perfect,” he smiled and brushed their noses together. “Just you and me.”

“Mhm, just you and me, Channie,” he smiled softly, cupping his face and kissing him gently. The two almost got lost in their embrace, until Minho pulled back to speak. “Uh, before I forget, my therapist asked if you’d like to join the next session?”

Chan frowned softly at the request. “Why?”

“She thinks it’ll be easier to work through certain things that happened with you there. Like collapsing on stage and getting to the hospital after. I don't have many memories of that night,” he shrugged. 

“Alright, sure thing,” he nodded. “Now let’s get some sleep.”

Five months later

Minho looked at himself in the mirror, carefully fixing his hair. He was wearing a perfectly fitted dark suit that hugged him in all the right places, the vest painted with blue stripes. A delicate necklace rested on his skin, and a ring on each hand completed the look. The one on his right ring finger being a present from his boyfriend. The color definitely complimented his dark hair. He crouched down a little, testing his trousers, which were a little tight. 

"Minho hyung, what are you doing?" Felix laughed at him, leaning against the vanity not too far from him. He was walking around looking for his friend, just to make sure he was doing okay. 

Minho met his eyes through the mirror and started to laugh as well. "I'm scared I'll rip them. They're not the best fit for this dance." 

Hyunjin looked up from his phone, sitting comfortably on a nearby couch. "I bet Chan wouldn't agree with you on that." 

Felix grinned and made his way over, taking a closer look. "I think you look stunning. Time to tease your boyfriend." 

Minho chuckled at them and playfully rolled his eyes. "Don't think Changbin won't drool over you either," he winked at him, making the younger one blush. "Oh wait, we have another style expert right here. Doesn't our sunshine look handsome, Hyunjin?" he asked the younger male and turned Felix in his direction. 

Hyunjin smirked and put his phone aside. "What do you think made him blush so hard a minute ago?" 

"Oh, I see," Minho chuckled. Hyunjin got up and made his way over, gently grabbing Felix's chin and looking deep into his eyes. The shiteating grin on his face not leaving for a second as his gaze devoured Felix. Minho sensed it and took note. "That's my que to leave. Remember, we have to be on stage in ten minutes. I don't want either one of you to go out there hard."

Felix quickly grabbed Minho's hand and held him back. "If you leave, he won't stop being a tease. I’ll definitely be in trouble then." Felix pleaded with the cutest pout on his lips.

Minho giggled softly and stayed where he was, taking out his phone. With a chuckle, Hyunjin decided to have mercy on Felix and gave him a sweet, loving kiss. Meanwhile, Minho saw a few messages from Chan pop up and smiled stupidly, reading them. 

I’m so proud of you, baby! You’re gonna be amazing out there. Good luck!

Minho texted a few hearts back and chuckled as Chan asked for a picture. He told him he had to see his reaction live, which made Chan send a bunch of emojis. "Alright, let's go," he said, putting his phone aside. 

The three of them made their way to the side-stage and looked into the audience. "That's a lot of people out there," Felix whispered. The older two took his hands, squeezing them encouragingly. 

"Perfect audience to perform this song for, for the first time ever," Hyunjin told him, winking cheekily at him. 

"Look, there’s Channie and the boys," Minho said, pointing at the first row a little to the right. Chan and Changbin were sitting next to each other, almost placed perfectly in his opinion, to watch Felix and himself. Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin were sitting next to Chan, all waiting curiously for their friends to come on stage. They began to walk out on stage as their names were announced and smirked at the screams, combined with Chan's eyes widening seeing his outfit. They both knew Chan was a sucker for him in blue. The lights only increased the effect. 

As they waited for the music to start, Minho met Chan's eyes and teasingly opened his suit jacket with a winning smirk, putting the ring on display. He had trouble holding back a grin as Chan licked his lips. The fans started cheering at his action, and Minho turned his attention to the audience. He chuckled into the microphone and did it again, this time for the audience, before getting shy at the screams and smiling brightly, looking down at the floor. Felix and Hyunjin giggled at his antics, trying to stay serious themselves. 

Changbin and Chan exchanged a look, knowing the other probably had the same impure thoughts about his boyfriend. "Fuck me," Chan breathed out quietly, and Changbin chuckled at him. 

"I'm sure he would if you'd ask nicely," he grinned and earned a punch in his arm. The others laughed at them, not needing to hear them to know what they were talking about. 

The music started, and Minho locked in, starting to move to the beat. It was kind of funny that not even their members knew what they were in for. The moment Felix's beautiful, deep voice rang through the air, the fans started shouting, and honestly, he didn't blame them. Minho started his verse, and to his surprise, he got about the same reaction to his smooth, soft voice. A rush of adrenaline filled him, and he knew he was performing well, judging by the looks of his members as he danced during Hyunjin's part. Minho took a deep breath and casually strolled to the side before starting to sing the higher notes, hitting them all beautifully making the crowd go wild once more. Chan beamed at him proudly, knowing how hard he had worked to perfect that part. 

Chan was mesmerized, looking up at his boyfriend on stage in awe. He looked beautiful in this outfit, and his heart warmed seeing him wearing the ring he bought him. His voice sounded amazing tonight, and his stage presence was undeniable. Thinking about it, Chan couldn't remember ever seeing him so in his element like this, which meant a lot, considering Minho was their main dancer. 

What didn't help was watching the way his body moved in front of thousands of people and knowing how he looked beneath the many layers of fabric. Chan did, in fact, appreciate the tight suit pants, and his jaw dropped as he got down on the floor, rolling his hips with his hand placed dangerously close to his crotch. Jisung nudged him gently, and he quickly closed his mouth again, shifting a little in his seat. 

Minho moved into a sitting position, continuing his dance movements. His intense gaze locked into Chan’s, captivating him as he continued singing. "Don't make me bad, make me bad, I'm addicted to you….Don't make me bad, bad, addicted to you." 

Chan's eyes clouded with desire the longer he watched him. He couldn't help himself feeling like Minho put on a perfectly balanced show for him and their fans. 

The performance came to an end, and they took their ending pose. Minho panted softly before meeting eyes with Chan and smirking succeedingly, knowing exactly how much he had just worked him up. He exchanged a look with Felix and Hyunjin before they all left the stage, waving at their cheering fans and friends. 

They made their way back to their room and weren't even able to sit down as their friends and boyfriends stepped inside. Minho's eyes widened at how loud the room suddenly was, and laughed at their friends, telling them how amazing their performance was. Locking eyes with Chan made him shiver with anticipation. Chan simply nodded at the door before leaving again. Minho slipped outside as the others were busy and frowned softly when Chan was nowhere to be seen. He walked down the hallway, and a door to his left opened. Chan grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside, throwing the door closed again. Minho found himself pressed against the door within seconds, and a low moan fell from his lips as Chan braced himself next to his head, looking down at him with nothing but desire in his eyes. "Hi there," he said innocently. "You liked the performance?" 

Chan grabbed his chin and searched his eyes. "You think it's funny making me hard in front of I don't know how many people?" 

"You…wow," he grinned proudly. 

"Don't look so smug," Chan giggled and groaned softly, pressing their foreheads together. "Fuck, you looked hot up there, baby."

"Thank you," he smiled sweetly and nudged his nose. "What's the secret room reserved for you only about?" he asked, spotting the name sign on the desk right in front of the mirror. Catching his reflection, he had to admit he was looking great tonight, even now that his hair was a bit of a mess. 

"So I can kiss you without anyone seeing, of course," Chan answered casually. 

"Oh," he nodded and couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. 

"You sound like that's a bad idea," he commented, frowning at him. He almost looked a little disappointed. "Did you think we'd - Minho!" 

"What?" he asked, slightly offended, and ducked down, taking a step to the side and away from him. "I'm sorry. I thought that was your intention, leading me away from everyone. You could've kissed me in our room." 

"You can't possibly think I wanted to have sex right here? With so many people passing by that door at all times?" he was a little in shock, and Minho rolled his eyes at him before sitting on the desk. 

"Why not? When did that ever bother you before, huh?" he asked and started fiddling with the necklace to take it off. "Forget it. This was a stupid idea," he said and took off the necklace, slamming it down on the table. 

"Baby, are you okay?" he asked softly. 

"No, obviously not. I'm making a fool out of myself here hoping this-," he gestured at himself. "-would finally make me attractive enough in your eyes again to go further than a kiss." 

"Wait, what?" he asked truly shocked now. His eyes widened at what he thought Minho was insinuating. 

"Two months ago, you would've gotten into my pants before I properly locked the door. You've been locking yourself up with Hannie and Changbin lately. And it's starting to piss Felix off, but I guess it makes me question myself. I don't know when the last you actually touched me and…is it because I gained weight again?" he asked, a flare of insecurity igniting in his brain as he glanced down at how his form-fitting. "Or-," he stopped as Chan was suddenly in front of him, cupping his face. 

"Baby, take a deep breath," he said kindly, and Minho glared at him, huffing softly but doing it anyways. "I'm so sorry for neglecting your needs. We've just been creating so much for the group and working on new stuff. I didn't know it was making you question yourself." 

"Well, of course it does," he pouted and nervously played with his ring, looking down at it. "Just forget it, Channie. I'm being stupid, this whole idea was stupid from the beginning." 

"What idea?" he chuckled softly. 

"All of this," he said grumpily as Chan seemed to find it amusing. 

"A warning would've been nice, kitten," he said, his voice growing smooth and low. 

Minho blinked at him, and his stomach flipped at the desire dancing in Chan's pupils. "About what? The outfit, the flirting, the dance..the intention behind all of it?" he asked innocently. 

Chan fondled up his thighs. "All of it?" he asked quietly and leaned in closer. 

"Well, where's the fun in that?" Minho asked and sank deep into his eyes. 

"I would've come prepared," he told him. 

"Check my pockets," he smirked and hopped off the table. 

Chan frowned softly before reaching into the pocket at the back. He couldn't help himself, teasingly squeezing his ass before pulling out two condoms. "Did you..?"

"No, I didn't carry them around on stage, you dumbass. I had them stored away in the waiting room," he protested, taking out the small bottle of lube from his jacket. 

"Fuck Min. Are you sure we can do this now?" he asked, checking his phone for the time. 

"Seriously? There are twenty performances before ours, which gives us at least an hour," he groaned impatiently. "But if you keep wasting time, we can't do this."

"You really came prepared, huh," Chan giggled, watching Minho impatiently unbuckling his belt. "You're in a rush?" 

"Whatever you plan on doing, these trousers come off," he told him. 

"That's a bummer. Your ass and thighs look really great in it," Chan pouted playfully. 

"They look even better when I’m straddling your dick, now move or I'll do it myself," he gave back smoothly with a hint of sassiness. Chan pulled him into a very passionate kiss, intoxicating enough to keep him dazed. His hands grabbed his ass, pulling him close as their lips met. "That's more like it," Minho smiled as he pulled back.

Chan hummed gently and unbuttoned the blue-striped vest, kissing down his torso as more skin slowly revealed itself. "By the way, you look beautiful as always, and I don't mind you gaining weight one bit," he assured him before planting a loving kiss right on the scar on his stomach. 

Minho smiled gently and brushed his hair back, looking down at him. "I know…you know how I get sometimes." 

"I do," he smiled and squeezed his hips before coming back up and kissing him on the mouth instead. "I think after delivering such a show, you deserve to see how stunning you look when you fall apart."

Minho gasped softly and looked at him with wide eyes, darkening with passion. "Just be careful and don't leave a mark in places people will see with the new outfit." 

"I'll be careful," he promised before turning him around so he was facing the mirror. 

Minho leaned back against him, inspected their reflection, and met his eyes through the mirror. "Don't we look good together?" 

"I think we fit together perfectly," Chan hummed, agreeing, and reached down into his pants, stroking his dick gently. Minho's eyes fluttered, lips parting with a gasp. Chan growled lowly and buried his nose in his neck. "Fuck Min, please tell me you're keeping this outfit. I need to fuck you properly in it tonight." 

Minho blinked at him through the mirror. "Shit, is this one of your kinks, hyung?" 

Chan pressed himself against him and gently wrapped his hand around his neck, careful not to leave any marks. "Call it whatever you want, kitten." 

Minho shivered at the contact and melted against him. "I mean, I can ask if I can keep it," he said and chuckled as Chan let go of him, dropping down to his knees in front of him. 

"You're right, I haven't been appreciating what I come home to every night enough," he tells him and fondles up his thighs. "Let me make it up to you," he said, taking the band of his boxers between his teeth and pulling them down, along with his pants. 

-

"Where's Chan hyung?" Changbin asked, confused. 

"Probably fucking Minho hyung's brains out, why?" Jeongin gave back dryly. The painfully loud silence called him to look up from his phone. "What?!" 

"Sometimes it scares me how grown-up you are now," Hyunjin said with wide eyes. His words were rewarded with him sticking his tongue out at him. 

"Maybe it's the other way around," Seungmin suggested with a shrug, casually scrolling through his phone. 

"The suit might work," Jisung hummed, agreeing. 

"I hate you all," Changbin groaned. 

"Loosen up, babe," Felix smirked. "We all know he's right." 

"Exactly," Jeongin grinned before squinting his eyes at Felix and Changbin. "Also, weren't you doing the same thing just minutes ago?" 

"Darling, that's enough," Seungmin said softly. 

"At this point, we should be allowed to do it on the sofa. Everyone knows anyway," he shrugged. 

"Minho hyung, help!" Hyunjin shouted in shock, making everyone laugh. "He'd kick your ass for that." 

"I'll go and get some coffee. Let's hope they're back to collect their kids after," Changbin sighed, and Felix giggled softly. 

"You're their kid too, dumbass," Jisung pointed out. 

"Yeah, fuck you too," he laughed. 

-

Minho pulled up the zipper of his pants, smirking at Chan, fixing his messed-up hair. Their eyes met through the mirror, and Chan turned, again dropping to his knees. He hugged him tight, burying his face in his stomach for a moment before looking up at him with dreamy eyes. Minho beamed at him, gently brushing back his hair. He hadn't been this happy in a while, being on stage without thinking about his knee anymore. He had his friends there, a very supportive boyfriend, and gosh, he loved him. All that stupid drama, those many lows and equal ups in between had made them grow much closer than before. He wouldn't want it any different now. Minho was finally truly happy, ready to face whatever was coming with Chan right by his side. This time, he was sure he'd have his back. "Channie hyung?" 

"Yes?" he asked sweetly. 

"I love you," he said. "Never forget that." 

"I think I'm addicted to you," Chan breathed out, and his eyes grew incredibly soft. "I love you more than anything else." 

"You'd die for those kids out there. Don't put me first," he giggled softly. 

"I'd die for you too," he told him. Minho believed him, truly. 

"Stay alive for me, baby boy," Minho shook his head, crouching down and kissing him hard on the mouth as tears brimmed Chan's eyes. 

"I love you too," he whispered and took his hand, kissing the ring. He got up and held up his pinky finger. “You and me against the world?”

“Forever,” Minho answered smiling, sealing the deal.

Chp. 20 | Back to the beginning

MASTERLISTS | PROMPT LIST | GUIDELINES

Taglist: (Please let me know if you want to be added to/removed from the taglist!)

@atinyniki @kailee08 @mal-lunar-28 @aaasia111 @lilmisssona @galaxycatdrawz @silverstarburst @kthstrawberryshortcake @channieaddict @soullostinspaceandtime @malfoygalaxies @rebecca-johnson-28 @mellhwang @lixie-phoria @michelle4eve @xxstrayland @lost-in-avoidance

[gaviicreates]

Why I'm starting my 2024 "temperature" blanket early...

I like October.

That could be the most basic of answers, and I definitely could leave it there. But that would not accurately explain the heart behind the year long project I'm about to start. So buckle in, if you like. Or don't; you do you.

I've known for awhile that I wanted to do a variation on a temperature blanket for 2024. The last time I did a temperature blanket was in 2017 - and it was my first! I knew for my next one, I wanted it to be a project to honor a special year. 2024 was planned since I got married in 2019. This is all probably starting to make more sense now.

So yes, I got married in October - for the sake of not putting too much of my information online I won't share the exact day, but it is mid October. And 2024 will be our 5 year anniversary. I debated working the project from January to December for the whole year, but I changed my mind to running it from Anniversary to Anniversary.

There's a couple advantages to that:

For one, I selected Toni Lipsey's linen square stitch pattern (it's also the one she is doing this year), and I worried that in effort to try to stay up to date, I'd end up cramming the largest sections in at the end of the month. Running the months from mid-to-mid, I've inherently made it more loose and forgiving of the deadlines. It's normal to get a bit behind and need to catch up, but it'll hopefully help me to not have looming end of month deadlines constantly.

The pattern

The second advantage is that I'll have a new blanket by the end of 2024! With October as a final goal, I'll have two months to catch up if I need to, make a border if I so desire, and sew the squares together. There's a lot of grace in that timeline, and I'd love to have a special afghan to gift my partner on Christmas or New Years. I mean he'll see it in progress, that's inevitable, but the finished object in its final presentation? That's so special. Right in time for cuddling up by the fire too since we are in the Northern Hemisphere.

Oh, I am also not exactly doing a temperature blanket either. I've set up daily reminders for myself to look at the sky, and I plan to use the alert not to check online for a number. I want to connect with our Earth and create a special moment each day to admire the planet we call home. My color palette is to be based on the weather and color of the sky each day - whatever the overall vibe feels like since of course it can change from hour to hour. From sunny to cloudy to rainy, and in between, the final piece will be a blend of blues and greys. Because I do, in fact, love the colors of the sky.

The yarn

It's a much smaller color palette than the first time I tried one of these, so my hope is that each of the shades will have a decent spread - certainly not equal to each other, but definitely not lost among the others. I'm adoring the greys. 😍

It's Stylecraft Special DK. I looked around out a few other acrylics and some wool and cotton blends, but ultimately it came down to care instructions and spread of colors. I most especially wanted the blanket to be easy care. We have three dogs so washing and drying were preferable in this case. I also really wanted to use a Sock-DK weight yarn so I didn't end up with a blanket the size of a house.

I did however take a gamble, buying this yarn without trying it first. I've only heard good things, which is promising. And I've received my initial shipping notification, so I am super excited for the skeins to arrive!

I've shared my color scheme above. Each square is going to be 32 rows, and at the end I will have 12 squares for that final assembly part of the project.

Project Tag is going to be #SkyBlanket2024 for any updates along the way.

I'm VERY excited for this one.

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Wip Wednesday but I've completely lost the plot. The train isn't just off the tracks it's made it's way to a whole different planet.

Crochet has driven me to becoming the thing I would like to destroy. Or rather, I am thinking about buying yarn that I started a whole project to use up because I don't like it anymore.

This blanket was supposed to use up all my aran/worsted weight acyrlic yarn that are left overs from other projects or scrapped projects or just otherwise not set aside for something specific. I just don't knit using this type of yarn really anymore and it was taking up both a lot of physical space and a lot of space in my brain.

Up until laying out the yarn for photos I was very ok with it being ugly and the colours being wildly out of proportion. Until I realized it's basically a rainbow blanket and that I was really enjoying how it looked. Now I feel the (entirely internal) pressure to make it ACTUALLY look good. Also I don't think I'll have enough yellow to finish out this blanket so I need/want to buy more yarn anyway.

To make it more proportional I'm thinking another skein of the solid red. I'm also considering adding a variegated yarn (Warm Brights colourway) which is uhhhh Not usually something I like, I tend to really really dislike variegated colourways, but I don't mind them as much in granny stitch. And the Warm Brights would do a Lot to smooth the warm colours together. Theoretically the Unicorn Magic colourway of that same yarn would do the same with the bottom half but there's already going to be so much purple I'm hesitant to add even more (I keep arguing back and forth with myself over this I had to delete like four paragraphs of me being indecisive).

This is another case where I start a simple project and can't stop myself from over-complicating it but also hrrnggg pretty rainbow blanket. This man could be so gorg.

[thereismusicinmysoul]

Work was closed today because of an ice storm, so I took the unexpected day off to finally finish the pleated wrap skirt I've been working on since early November! I got really rambly about the whole thing so here's a picture of the finished product and I'll drop the rest below the cut.

This project came about because I've been watching The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty with some friends and I DESIRE a swooshy skirt. While I didn't follow any patterns and wasn't setting out to make the same exact style of skirt, it was definitely influential. (This skirt brought to you by numerous tutorial videos, including one on Chinese mamianqun's and one on Korean hanbok's, and an absolute refusal to actually follow anyone's instructions. No pattern, we die like men)

It's been almost 10 years since I've done any sewing, so I decided to buy sheets from the thrift store so that I wouldn't cry as hard if things went horribly or I had to trash the project. (Don't get me wrong, I still cried. Because Oh Golly did things go wrong. But it wasn't as tragic as if I'd used full price fabric from Joann's, ya feel?) So from there the idea grew from "pleated wrap skirt" (my rationale: I don't have to be precise in my measurements, straight hem, but still lots of swoosh) to "make this skirt out of a queen size top sheet with as little waste as possible" because who doesn't love a challenge?

....and oh what a challenge it ended up. I plotted things out in my notebook, planned how I would cut everything, and oh let me tell you: rationally I knew how big the sheet was. But laying it out to cut it? So huge. So much fabric. It covered my entire bedroom floor. All of this going into a single skirt oh god what have I gotten myself into? But this part actually went the smoothest of the whole process! Because...

I wasn't doing normal pleats. Since I was trying to make the swooshiest dress with as much of the fabric as I had, I did "deep pleats" which is. A normal pleat but if you shove more fabric inside the pleat. No one wanted to explain to me exactly how to do this. The one person I found who did gave me MATH about it. And boy am I bad at math. Used a pillowcase to practice and wrap my head around how the math worked (the intangible makes no sense to me, I must hold it in my hands), sorted the math, started pleating for real! Measured my pinned pleats and it came up way shorter than anticipated. Have I mentioned it's been a hot minute since I've sewn? Also this was my first attempt ever at pleats. SO! I unpinned everything, made my deep pleats slightly less deep, pinned them all up again, and then blessedly listened to my Grammy's advice to baste the pleats first. Because horror of horrors, my measurements were right the first time and now my fabric was too long for the waistband I'd already put Quite A Lot Of Effort Into. Like, it's a wrap skirt. I would've just made do. But no. It wouldn't even fit.

Within this process, I sewed together my three skirt panels, put in a pocket (oh the choices I made. This pocket did not survive to the completion of the skirt because it was BAD. I was terrified that the fabric wouldn't hold up to the weight of me dripping my phone into it and covered the ENTIRE pocket in interfacing. This would be fine if I'd wanted it to fuck up the way the skirt lay, but this was not in fact what I wanted. I am however very proud of the placement I worked out for it, it sits inside one of the pleats so it isn't visible), hemmed the WHOLE FUCKING THING (look. Again. I knew it was a lot of fabric. But it did not occur to me that I would be hemming fucking 240" across the bottom, plus 30" up either side. I used ALL of my pins to accomplish this), and made a very lovely waistband and ties.

Now it is at this point that I went out of town for thanksgiving, remembered I had other Christmas crafting plans, started a new job working more hours, and left this skirt to languish until a few weeks ago when I finally had the heart to rip out all of those pleats, remembered I wanted to redo the pocket while I was here (and let me tell you, I needn't have worried about the strength of the pocket. I had that fucker in there GOOD. I think it took longer picking out that single pocket than it took taking out all of the pleats), and then set about redoing everything.

Now something you may not know about me is I exist in somewhat of a state of chaos. I try to write things down to negate this, but uh. Guess who didn't write down where she left off, and couldn't decipher the mad scientist notes that made sense in the heat of the moment, but not several months later? That would be me. Thankfully I was able to sort things out, get the pocket put back in, got the pleats pinned in record time, and praise whatever deity you may recognize, it was the right length this time! So this afternoon, I attached it to the waistband, did a very lovely "stitch in the ditch" (that I had to take out because something got fucked up in the back and it wouldn't lay right. I never regretted how closely I matched the thread to the fabric more than I did in that moment), REDID all that stitching, and now I have a skirt!

Ultimately, I don't actually know if I'll wear it. I no longer own many tops that lay well with a skirt without making me hate my body, and I don't know that I like the length. Maybe a shopping trip and cutting off several inches (...oh god I'll have to re-hem it...) will make me like it on myself better, but even if I don't and I never wear it, this has been a really fun and fulfilling project! I'm satisfied just with having completed it and I've learned a lot in the process! And hey, for going into this refusing to follow a pattern, with a goal of "use the entire sheet in the skirt" I think it came out pretty nicely. Plus, if nothing else, I can pleat like an absolute pro now.

[inkofamethyst]

August 7, 2024

Feeling a little frustrated with lab stuff this past week.  It feels like everytime I take two steps forward in lab, I immediately encounter some issue that renders those steps, in some way or another, missteps.  Not exactly two steps back, per se, but imperfect in some way.  Potentially salvageable, possibly not.  And I know that it’s a learning process, and that even missteps are learning experiences, and that I can’t be perfect all the time (or any of the time), but like..  I saw somewhere that doing a PhD is like doing a group project with your past self.  And I’m really trying to do all I can to make it so me, the past self, is not the one holding the project back for my future self.  But I can’t help what I don’t know :/

And the worst part is that what I'm doing seems so easy! I follow the same set of instructions practically daily, so why do my stains look drastically different all the time :((( And don't even get me started on microscopy.

Went randomly scrolling on craiglist and thought I'd found the exact bass case/gig bag I was looking into getting but secondhand (and cheaper hehe). The only bass case currently for sale, and the exact one I was favoring, it's gotta be a sign, right? Reached out to the seller with a super reasonable question to feel out for scammy vibes, and they deleted then reposted the listing!? Wild.

Anyway I now think I've found a cheat code to get money out of my dad: suggest that I am going to do something slightly risky in order to earn or save extra money. He's now offering to cover the difference between what I'd planned to pay for the case and what it goes for new to just buy a new one lol. I explained to him that a big reason behind using secondhand sites was a personal desire to not contribute to overproduction when there are certainly plenty of cases already in the world. And he was like "...okay, and?". Anyway I guess I'm buying a case.

On a different random scroll, I realized that a pair of basic brown trousers are an integral piece of what I want my aesthetic to look like, but after four years of searching I have yet to come across the perfect pair: deep brown, deep pleats, button closure, medium weight wool, deep pockets, high waisted, snug at the waist, and the perfect length. So I am taking it upon myself to make them. I'm working on a mockup, and I'm headed to the library on friday to sew up what I've basted for a first fitting. I also intend to make a waistcoat out of the same fabric for a matchy-matchy look, but I'll need to find a well-fitted waistcoat pattern first :/ (but when I do I'm sure I will be pumping those guys out like once a month or something)

Today I'm thankful that the weather has cooled down! I would even go so far to say that it's.. chilly. And has been all week! I LOVE IT! This is what I wanted when I moved here!

[edit: a year ago today I was altering trousers. I certainly am who I am, always and forever.]

[potential-fate]

Get to know you- Sims Style

I was tagged by @simbury

What’s your favorite Sims death? -- I find it incredibly entertaining that sims can spontaneously combust if they get too warm.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match? -- mix, but ig it leans towards realism nowadays.

Do you cheat your sims weight? -- not that I can think of. sometimes if I am shooting a specific scene and they weren't that shape at the time. but not during gameplay.

Do you move objects? -- absolutely. I'm incapable of decorating without moveobjects on honestly.

Favorite Mod? -- uhm... I guess the 3t2 traits project or ACR/Romantic Standards.

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack? -- I have been playing ts2 since it literally came out, so my first ep was whichever one came out first. I think that was Uni? but in spirit of the question, for sims 4 I only bothered downloading the game when they came out with cottage living lol.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing? -- aLIVE. my brain always said essentially like a movie set "and we're live!" so.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? -- Evren Thorne (who you're more likely to see in @luverofralts or @nappe-plays-the-sims game than mine) because he's not story relevant yet, or (much to everyone's chagrin) Callum

Have you made a simself? -- at some point far in the past, yes. I do not have that sim anymore, and I probably wouldn't do it again, but yk. I was also 11 when I started playing this game, so of course I made a digital barbie of myself. (not to say it's childish to do in and of itself, but that it's definitely something that every child tends to do)

Which is your favorite EA hair color? -- since ts2 only has 4, I'm going to assume this was more ts4 centric. in which case I like the neutral blonde/light blonde colors (the two that are less yellow)

Favorite EA hair? -- eh. for ts2 I wouldn't use any of them. for ts4... the mullet thing from werewolves? ig.

Favorite life stage? -- teens or young adults. (I think I may be the only person I know how actively likes Uni for ts2 the most lmao)

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? -- oh. both. depends on my mood.

Are you a CC creator? -- yeeeup. recreationally though. (read: with no real consistency.)

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad? -- I feel like I do lmao. I at least hope they feel the same LOL.

Do you have any sims merch? -- I now have a gameplay guide for the original Sims game lol. but I think that's all I own.

Do you have a YouTube for sims? -- nope. I uh... don't like watching gameplay videos, and sims machinema is way too time consuming to make so I do not.

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing? -- oh gosh. I was one of those edgy emo kids so it was a lot of grunge and dyed hair and bright makeup. I've honestly been leaning a bit more towards that style again though so....

Who’s your favorite CC creator? -- depends on what I'm looking for. tbh a LOT of the CC I have now is older stuff that I just still like. but anyone who isn't exclusively making 4t2 stuff is probably someone I've downloaded from.

How long have you had Simblr? -- technically this blog since January 1st 2020. that being said, I moved from LJ to simblr in like.... idk, 2012? whenever that great migration happened.

How do you edit your pictures? -- a lot of photoshop. color correction, a slight film grain at the very least. most times I also do aesthetic edits to hide clipping, and add painted hair strands nowadays. if I can't get an emotion right for a screenshot, I edit those too.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite? -- for ts2 I really don't think I could pick one. the problem is I use like 90% of them for SOMETHING gameplay wise, even if I don't use the main function. ie: I love the chemistry/attraction from nightlife, even though the whole downtown thing is frankly annoying sometimes (do YOU WANT TO GO DOWNTOWN? no, random townie I do not. ) But, seeing as I listed it earlier, I guess university.

Tagging uhm.... @rebouks, @pralinesims, @luverofralts, and @nappe-plays-the-sims

[hebezunet]

also, since i am... 100% certain that the chip twitters aren't coming back, i wanna take a few minutes to talk about my experience as a mod for one of the characters (since i doubt it's any surprise that I was one lol)

firstly, i'm not revealing anybodys identities here other than my own, because everyone has fully moved on from the project and don't wanna be assocciated in any way with it anymore. i'm making this post mostly for myself and maybe 2 other people so even if you have inklings of who the other mods are, don't look for them. they will not be happy

with that out of the way-

if it wasn't supremely god damn obvious by this point, i was the most recent mod for bert. from like... what, may 2020? that whole big arc where he got out of the bertputer, that's when i started. definitely a lot of weight on my shoulders with that one.

despite how much i had fun writing for bert though... this whole project was really a nightmare from beginning to end behind the scenes. before we (the new team) could even start actually posting and writing stuff, there was a whole kerfuffle getting the keys (account log in info) from the old team. had to even get david involved for a few things, which we really hated doing just cuz we didn't like bothering him. the old team was also... well, its own thing. i've kinda blocked out most of what happened regarding that but what i do know was that it was very mentally taxing trying to get rid of the old guys and get us logged into the new accounts.

people also certainly had... mixed feelings about the direction we tried to take things in. we were handed a story that was already extremely jacked up with its own weird baggage attached and had to make do with what we could. the story beats set up by the previous team were really hard to work with and we genuinely just did not agree with some of the characterization that was happening. namely bert and otto, they were... something. so, we tried our best to work with it and find justifications or explainations for certain behaviors and actions. i do know for a fact that there were people that did not like what we did with bert, especially. remember seeing stuff saying that we 'aged up' bert for the sole purpose of shipping him with rotten which... is not at all what happened. he was already a grown up character, in his late teens or early 20s, but the previous team had infantilized him to such a degree and for so long that that was just what people knew. we ended up justifying this by basically diagnosing bert with trauma induced age regression. it's a little complicated and a little fuzzy to recall, but that's the intention we were going with, at least.

we did originally have bigger plans for these characters and their arcs and everything, but the team was losing interest and everything surrounding it was genuinely sending some of us into mental crisis. it made us all distance ourselves really far from the project and not wanting to touch chipspeech as a whole with a 10 ft pole. a lot of this stemmed from the sovereign station server too, it was fine like 80% of the time, but shit got weird in there. if you weren't in there then like, good. you've saved yourself the headache. but overall, pretty much everyone has moved on and is doing their own thing now. there's been a few mods that I don't talk to anymore due to other circumstances, but I'm still good friends with a handful of them. they're doing much better now, too.

long story short, the characters just... aren't gonna be coming back, as far as I can tell. it's been pretty obvious due to the 2+ years of radio silence, but just to put the nail in the coffin. i still believe that the twitters are a great springboard for your own interpretations, and that's kind of another reason why we stopped. these characters can honestly be whatever the hell you want them to be. making a rigid sort of canon to apply to them is a little silly, especially when it's a bunch of young adults roleplaying that canon on twitter dot com. do whatever you want. it was a fun enough ride while it lasted.

that being said though, i personally still hold chip near and dear to me. strong interest has definitely faded, but i still like making covers occasionally and drawing the guys and silly stuff like that. i have a lot of myself to thank for chipspeech, and that's not changing, despite the horrors that we faced. thanks for reading all this if you did lol.

and bert is best boy im DYING ON THIS HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aladaylessecondblog]

FHW but omegaverse 3

Author's Note: Short because I have to go to work

------------------------

The rain had gotten worse and worse through the night, but no one paid it much mind other than the guy whose job it was to muck the side room chosen to keep the horses in. Inside there were a few songs, and Sadrith felt better than she had in a while.

Ralof related the increasing encounters with Thalmor troops, even over those with Imperial ones, though he left out most details. Sadrith was careful to point out her own encounters, and said she'd made some discoveries of her own.

It would have been wonderful, had she not seen Torovan glowering from across the room, and felt his ill mood. His loss, she thought, and she wasn't going to let that bring her mood down any more than it already had. Let him suffer in the corner, if he insisted on being miserable.

She was getting out a piece of charcoal and a roll of paper to doodle the room--her hands seemed to itch to create art--when one of the other Stormcloaks came running into the room. "Dragon! Dragon outside!"

Right away she was up, getting on the first armor she could lay hands on in her bag - which happened to be the Nightingale armor. Then she was up the stairs, sword in hand. The sight outside was an unpleasant one--Helgen, already a husk of itself, had been knocked about even more and the wooden remnants of former homes burned completely to the ground.

She Shouted, a quick FUS to get its attention. "Arrows," she said, to the Stormcloaks behind her. She spotted Torovan at the back of the group and said nothing to him, merely turned and ran directly at the dragon.

It was angered by her approach, to say the least, and she only barely dodged a snap of its jaws. A hail of arrows passed her, with most striking the dragon and one even hitting its eyes.

A hail of fire was spit from its maw, and she managed to avoid it. A quick jump, and she was on its neck, gripping its horns and working her sword deeper into the bloody wound of its eye. It roared in pain, and shook her off after a few blows--Sadrith's sword was knocked aside, and she took up the next available: the blade of Woe in its sheath at her waist. She pulled it out, and when the dragon gave a howl of pain she was struck by a sudden inspiration--

She leaped directly into its open mouth, and hacked at a set of large veins beneath its tongue. The stench was horrible, the pain in her legs even more so, but finally, finally, the damned thing was down. Not until she was out did she think to take an empty bottle from the one bag still on her, and fill it with the dragon's blood. Thankfully, it didn't flame up like the rest of the dragon after she corked the bottle, and she could finally rest. Once the overwhelming soul absorption had gone through, of course.

It was always a burden, always a weight, but she had grown used to it. The soul would take its place among the others and all would be well.

The rain cleaned away much of the blood as she lay there, attempting to heal herself.

"You--" Torovan's oddly choked voice sounded off next to her, "--you are the most reckless fool I've ever met."

She tried to stand, but found she couldn't--and glancing down at her legs, she saw why. The wounds were large, and though her healing had started to close them they still looked grievously bad.

Unexpectedly, Torovan lifted her from the ground, and carried her back inside.

"This--this isn't necessary, I can do it myself," she said, not wanting to be too loud and embarrass herself in front of the Stormcloaks. "I've done it alone before, and I can do it now."

But damn if it didn't feel nice to have him carry her, to have her nose this close to his neck, to have his arms around her. To have his scent surrounding her.

He set her down inside, shooing off the Stormcloaks and tending to the rest of the healing himself.

"Are you always so foolish?" he asked, "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm a hero, heroes are fearless," she said, watching with the slightest of smiles as the last of her wounds closed under his hands. She was soaked, in pain, but ALIVE - slaying a dragon always buoyed her, no matter how the situation had been before then. "Besides, it'll lighten their minds. Things aren't going well."

"So you leaped into a dragon's mouth and nearly lost your legs to entertain some Nords?"

"I leaped into a dragon's mouth to slay it." She shook her head, and brought up the bottle of its blood. "And to get you this."

That seemed to surprise Torovan.

"Go on, take it." And then, noting a couple curious stares from those behind him, she added, "You're an alchemical sort, maybe dragonsblood could have some uses."

[manyblinkinglights]

Hihi!! As a quadruped creature enthusiast, I've been enraptured by your AnyTaur base since the moment I saw your horse any% video and dug into your newer techniques from there. I've finally become literate enough in Blender and Unity to effectively utilize it, to my greatest jubilation! The sheer amount of adaptability in the setup is just indescribably cool.

I was wondering if I could get your input regarding how one might go about handling a character whose forelimbs are unconventional even by quad standards: they're in a kind of N shape, kind of like a praying mantis' big front claws. See also: as pictured (finished art in image 1 from Limbus Company by indie studio Project Moon)

The hind legs are simple enough, just being analogous to most any other digitigrade quadruped creature, and are therefore handled beautifully by the basic anytaur rig! I've not attempted anything with the forelimbs yet, however, as i feel myself to be a bit unequipped to go forth with such.

If you have no immediate advice and/or you'd not prefer to dedicate time to such a pursuit, I completely understand! I'm more than willing to experiment on my own should the need arise. I merely wish to reach out to you as well, just in case you have any great tips on-hand, considering you're the one who was able to assemble this sorcery in the first place.

Best wishes, and thank you once again for your invaluable tool! 🫶🫶

Just the regular anytaur rig will still work I think??? Just start from the shoulder (you have to have a shoulder) and work your way down. Your forelimbs still have a mammalian-bauplan number of bones, they’re just held quite contracted. Unity’s constraints are way more permissive than you’d think for this purpose, they’re really great for this because of how mammalian leg chains only rotate at the hip/shoulder and then the ankle/wrist.

Because your forelimb is so contracted, you’ll just have to trial and error the best constraint weights. I recommend the shoulder be constrained 1.0 to start with, and then the forepaw and forebeans also 1.0, and the ones in between all at 0.5. See what happens with that. The usual way of calibrating, chairpose and the script, may not work as well on this leg… forepaw pickup should calibrate fine though. or, uh, not.

But seriously, it should more or less work. If that doesn’t work, try 0.3 at the shoulder, then 1.0, then 0.7, then 1.0 or maybe 0.4 for the forepaws and 1.0 for the forebeans…

Basically, just try a few different patterns, including everything set to 1.0. You might not get very accurate foot placement but you should be able to get some sort of acceptable skitter. I think if you start it dancing in Play mode you can change the constraint weights while it dances?? If not that, you can also try making the left and right sides different, to compare how different approaches work.

[innocence-wont-save-you]

[An overseer is ‘sitting’ next to the scavenger as they look at Innocence’s sleeping form.]

Hey bud, isn’t it kinda weird our friend is uh… still sleeping? Like, we should be moving out by now. I mean I know we’ve been waiting for like, six minutes, but it feels like a month! And yeah, I know you don’t understand me.

(OOC: Heyyyy so uh, sorry if it’s rude but I didn’t see a place to submit an ask on the website so I’m asking here. Is this blog ever going to be updated in the near future? If not, do you plan to still continue it or is like, irl stuff putting weight in your shoulders? I wanna join the disc and ask questions but stupid anxiety is making me not do it. If you’re still working on it or left the project, don’t feel pressured to continue, it would be selfish of me to ask that of you.

tl;dr: I kinda just want an update on the current situation Innocence Won’t Save You is in.)

OOC: YES HI HELLO I'M STILL ALIVE THANK YOU FOR ASKING ACTUALLY

Short answer: Yes there's. Shit going on in my life. Mostly school work; this has been one of my busiest quarters so far and I'm constantly swamped with work and haven't had the free time to really sit with IWSY and work out what I want/need to do.

Longer answer: Yes there is currently no way to submit on the website I am so sorry. When I said this would move off Tumblr I meant it and I was finding ways to do that, but I kept hitting roadblocks because I started learning web dev Solely for IWSY. Ultimately my progress on the javascript tutorial stalled (due to aforementioned busyness) and other people let me know that Neocities isn't... the best place to host comments locally? So that threw a wrench into the plans.

I've admittedly not written much for IWSY in the time since I announced we'd be migrating off Tumblr. In hindsight I kind of wish I'd waited a little, but I think this quarter would have done this to me regardless of if I'd wanted to migrate or not. However, I still want to work on IWSY. This project is NOT abandoned. I'm just very busy :'D in a good way though! After a bit of a rough spell, my life right now is, without exaggeration, the best it's ever been, and aside from just plain being busy, I'm also trying to enjoy being alive for once. Unfortunately it means things have been and will continue to be very, very slow here for the foreseeable future.

But I do have a small update. I gave up on trying to code comments locally, and instead found an open source commenting plugin called Isso that I'm hoping to install on the website. Actually doing so will require time I don't currently have since I. Uh. Don't know python. But if all goes well, I will have that set up at some point, and then I can get started on scene 14. I can't guarantee anything on that while this quarter is still going on unfortunately, but I will promise you all that once my summer break starts (which is in June since my school runs on a quarter system), I'll put more time and effort into this again.

If you'd like to help get the comments set up I would deeply appreciate it, but again I don't think I can see myself writing any long form creative fiction until I have the time to dedicate my mind to it, especially given what IWSY is. I'm really sorry about that, but I'm glad to hear that you're still interested in this story! So sorry about the radio silence, I really should have updated a few times since the last post I made, but thank you again for asking and reminding me to at least say something.

So TLDR, no the story isn't dead, I'm just hella busy and trying to appreciate life.

[justaturtleindisguise]

While i'm not currently drawing turtles, i'm very hyperfixated on some OCs of mine, kind of a little project i started in the past 2 weeks hehee ! i'm challenging myself to design 8 characters that are adopted siblings in a medieval kind of setting, and make them all look different from one another. They don't have much lore yet, besides of being very loosely based on concepts of The Witcher and other stuff i'm making up along the way. I have 3 of 8 characters designed and I'd love to share them with everyone !! :)

The first design I did was Garreth's, some part of her like her feet are looking kinda wonky cuz I'm terrible at drawing feet- I tried to make her look non-op but I don't think I did a great job on that :(

lore stuffs:

Garreth is the 4th child;

She came out as a trans woman to her family very recently and didn't felt a need to change her name;

Besides being a amputee, Garreth also wears a knee brace because of a old injury;

Her arm prosthesis is enchanted to work as a real arm, but Garreth doesn't like wearing it because of it's weight, and refuses to use it while in safe spaces;

She's autistic and very prone to bottling up feelings until exploding, but she's working on her communication skills.

Zaia was the second character I designed and honestly she's my favorite- I love me a big strong lady <3

lore stuffs:

Zaia is the oldest child.

She's currently the only AFAB person in her family, being mistaken for a boy as a child;

Family only discovered about her biological sex when she was 14 and had her first period, siblings tried to cover it up for her safety;

Zaia's incredibly smart and a big creature nerd and wrote a entire bestiary by herself with details of creatures found on her journeys;

Besides being the physically strongest of the bunch, Zaia prefers to solve problems peacefully;

Has big problems trusting any figures of authority;

Infodumps about her travels to anyone for hours.

And the third design I did is Talô! I actually just finished him hehee !! He was a tidbit more challenging than the others since I've never draw a albino character before, but I'm pretty happy with the result and hope to get better at drawing him and other albino peeps in the future !!

lore stuffs:

Talô is the youngest child;

He is the only sibling to be currently in a romantic relationship;

He's engaged with his two lovers, whom he loves very much;

He lost his leg in a fight with a werewolf, in which he was infected;

His prosthetic was made by a very cherished friend from the sea and it's currently the only mobility aid he owns;

He fell a little bit out of touch with his siblings in the years following his transformation, afraid that his siblings would hate him for that;

Talô was very close to all of his siblings, so the separation is very painful to him;

He's currently working to gather up courage to tell his siblings about this and about his upcoming marriage.

---------------------------------------------------------

This is currently everything I have about this characters (at least that I remember now lol).

I'm very proud of this designs even tho I can see much room for improvement, and I'm also open to questions about them !! :)

Good night folks !!