#started shaking my head it was that bad

[dazaisdearest]

hold up…..his writing is this fire????????

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[bergselise]

[opikiquu]

im going to be so annoying all week

[adhdo5]

I talk so much shit about SICKOSYES and doomedness and such but a fic will go OK but what if 3zun happy ending 🥺 and I go WOW what if 3zun happy ending 🥺

[fishedeyelenz]

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

Have to do assignments for school (behind on work :<<<) Music suggestions?

mkay here's some music i put on when i'm doing A Task

the summoning -- sleep token

take me back to eden -- sleep token

atlantic -- sleep token

descending -- sleep token

chokehold -- sleep token

aqua regia -- sleep token

what it cost -- bad omens

who are you -- bad omens

like a villain -- bad omens

take me first -- bad omens

rosemary -- deftones

change (in the house of flies) -- deftones

cherry waves -- deftones

ALTERNATIVELY you could put she's my collar by gorillaz on repeat for forever i actually do that one a lot when i need smth lowkey in the background (so much that it was in my top 5 songs this year lol)

ALTERNATIVELY x2 you could listen to jerk by bile on repeat Forever And Ever. and ever. and everrrr

[gifti3]

today i think about how some men really think all (or at least most) women just dont like sex at all and it still kinda shocks me that they genuinely believe this! being in fandom spaces from a young age the type of shit ill see women saying about some fictional character or actor even has me flabbergasted at times

[humblefryingpan]

I hate not being able to see the other person's reaction when you have an argument. I'm having a full on panic attack and I'm dying to know my mum's upset about fighting too.

I know she isn't, I know she thinks she's right, I know if we ever even talk about it it'll just be "why are you so sensitive, are you starting your period" (yes she actually says that all the fucking time) and I'll end up apologizing.

But I just wish for once she'd realize she's upset me and genuinely apologize, without pity. I'd love to see that it's not me overreacting. Because I'm sat on the bathroom floor shaking and hyperventilating, crying so hard I threw up and I have been for nearly 10 minutes.

I wish that for once I wasn't sat crying until my face hurts when I haven't fucking done anything bad.

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

having an oc story set this year is really fucked up bc i look at the calendar and i'm like "oh shit we got [character]'s death in a few days waow..."

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I have a few problems with this ship, but I just wanna thank her for her service 🫡

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[borom1r]

RRRAAAGHH FINAL WEEKEND OF THE REN FEST PIC W THEE KNIGHT THE MYTH THE LEGEND SIR VICTOR. BARKING LIKE A DOG SIR JACOB FUCKING JUMPED OFF OF HIS HORSE AND ONTO SIR VICTOR TODAY I FEEL INSANE. between this and last weekend I feel INSANEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[megaclubdiolis]

柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第十七回 「うつろい」 ​​​

[mootmuse]

Bheem's literal first question to the woman who doesn't know him at all, ostensibly to gain her trust: can I come to your house. He's so bad at this. He's so, so bad at this. I love him.