#stan tatkin

[beingdreeyore]

I have a tendency to romanticise days like today. Just like I romanticise climates and places where it snows. It's raining, windy, and cold for summer outside and I'm so happy to be able to hide away from the world and just listen to the rain.

When I think about it though, what it is that I love so much about this weather? Why do I need to be hiding from the world today? What is it that I feel like I'm missing out on when weather like this hits and I'm at work? All questions I don't know the answer to.

I picked up my iPad to read. When was the last time I read a book? I don't even remember. There are so many on my list that I'm supposed to read as study for work. Why am I not making time to read every day? It's like I want to be in training forever... So I made myself read.

The book is called Wired For Love. It's hitting hard today. It's a difficult pill to swallow. I don't even remember why I'm supposed to read it, but it's there on the list and I think it's a tough lesson or reminder that I probably need right now. The opening paragraphs were all about the emotional damage done by a partner who won't create a safe space to co-exist. While reading it I finally had contact from S the ex. Still in London. That was it. No further explanation. Define irony...

I kept reading. And came to the chapter on how if you and your partner don't work on your own couple bubble, one or both of you will go looking elsewhere. There was a harsh line about no free meals and how if you go to someone else for love, support, and friendship, ultimately they are going to expect commitment in return and you can't be upset when they do. I thought of J and how that's what he did. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and kept reading.

The nice thing about this book is it's validating that what I'm asking for isn't too much. It's validating that actually I ask for the bare fucking minimum and it's the other person who never seems to want to step up. And it's slapping me in the face with the advice that when that occurs it becomes my job to cut these people off forever. It's also demanding that I stop creating a safe space for those who refuse to do the same in return. If S the ex still can't commit, then why am I not actively trying to find someone else who will offer me back what I am prepared to give?

So it's a rainy day. I'm reading. It's a topic that is leaving me feeling fragile and vulnerable. I know later I'll have to do some sort of self-soothing (that isn't food or alcohol) so that I can let go of what it's bringing up and settle back down into my Sunday. I have that awareness. I'm listening to the rain as I read and letting it be a calming force.

I'm also back on the dating apps. I need new photos. I need new words. But I'm back there. I'm not just hiding in the words I'm reading. I'm trying to put them into action.

And I'm terrified.

[prismaticstreams]

Building a Healthy Relationship: The Three Foundations

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and what is most important to me. I really wanted to drill down to the absolute essentials that are at the core of a healthy, sustainable partnership.

The three most foundational factors I’ve identified are as follows:

One: Character – I consider “character” to be about whether someone is kind, honest, trustworthy, patient, compassionate and has integrity. It’s not so much about personality traits that are neutral, like introversion versus extroversion, but rather the choices people make with what they have. It’s about whether someone is truly a good person at heart, whether they genuinely care about others or whether they are mostly selfish in orientation.

Two: Emotional availability – Is this person emotionally available to have a committed, secure-functioning (see Stan Tatkin for more info) relationship long-term? This foundational element is closely linked with attachment styles. Typically people with Secure or Anxious-Preoccupied attachment styles tend to be more emotionally available, while those who are Fearful-Avoidant or Dismissive-Avoidant will remain unavailable unless they proactively work to change.

Three: Mental/emotional stability – This is about whether someone is mentally and emotionally stable enough to maintain a healthy, secure-functioning relationship and consistently treat their partner with love, respect and care. I’m not saying that anyone has to be 100% stable, as that is quite unrealistic. However, many people are not stable enough to be able to actually maintain a healthy relationship with another person, and often relationships fall apart for this reason.

There will also be some variation from person to person in terms of what they need or what they can handle in a romantic partnership. Some people can handle a much higher level of emotional or mental instability in a partner than others. Some can tolerate someone who is more avoidant or emotionally unavailable, without undue harm or distress. But in general, these three factors are common issues that make or break partnerships.

Next you have the ‘pillars’ of the house, which are other important aspects of compatibility that often end up being deal breakers. These include the following:

Core values and ideals

Relationship goals, e.g. do they want to get married, do they believe in monogamy, do they want children, etc.

General future goals and dreams (e.g. with regard to career, where they want to live, and so on)

Beliefs and worldview – religion/spirituality or lack thereof

Skills and values about finances and money management

The last layer, or the ‘roof’ of the house, include these aspects of compatibility:

Love languages

Personality types

Interests, passions and hobbies

Cultural background

Lifestyle – e.g. does this person like to travel or move frequently? How important is it to live in a clean and tidy house?

Sexual chemistry and compatibility, including libido levels and sexual preferences

Each element of the building is important, and worthy of consideration when vetting potential partners in the dating process. You need all aspects in place to form a truly healthy, lasting and sustainable relationship. However, there does tend to be a little more leeway in the last category. For example, people with very different personality types can often still have a healthy, happy partnership if they have shared values, goals and compatible attachment styles. Having shared hobbies and interests is a great bonus, but not essential for all couples.

What would your ideal relationship “house” look like? What are the most important elements that you can’t live without?

[rulinarulina]

Τσακωμός: Ο εγκέφαλος μας δουλεύει εναντίον μας όταν τσακωνόμαστε με τον σύντροφο μας

Το κάθε ζευγάρι… ακόμα και το πιο αγαπημένο μπορεί να έχει στιγμές έντασης, γκρίνιας και τσακωμών. Τώρα, επιστήμονες λένε πως ο τσακωμός με το έτερο μας ήμισυ μπορεί να κάνει τον εγκέφαλο μας να δουλεύει ενταντίον μας. Πως γίνεται όμως αυτό; Ο ειδικός ερευνητής Stan Tatkin και οι συνεργάτες του μελετούν τα ζευγάρια καταγράφοντας τα σε βίντεο να τσακώνονται. Αυτό που διαπίστωσαν είναι πως ο…

[danmichelspsychotherapy]

How to Choose the Right Marriage Counselor: 6 Crucial Points from Dan Michels Psychotherapy

Choosing the right marriage counselor can be a pivotal step in saving and strengthening your relationship. Whether you’re in Boulder or Longmont, finding the right professional who can guide you and your partner through the complexities of your relationship is crucial. At Dan Michels Psychotherapy, we believe that every couple deserves a healthy, secure, and fulfilling relationship. Here are six essential points to consider when choosing the right marriage therapist for you and your partner.

1. Look for Specialized Training and Certifications

When searching for a marriage therapist, it’s essential to ensure that they have the proper training and certifications. At Dan Michels Psychotherapy, I am a Level 2 trained PACT couples therapist. PACT, or Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, integrates neurobiology, attachment theory, and nervous system regulation to promote secure functioning in relationships. This approach, pioneered by Stan Tatkin, is highly effective in helping couples understand and resolve their issues.

2. Consider the Therapist’s Approach to Couples Therapy

Different therapists use different approaches, and it’s important to find one that aligns with your relationship goals. My approach at Dan Michels Psychotherapy is rooted in the belief that all couples are capable of achieving secure functioning, regardless of their background or challenges. I use a combination of neuroscience, attachment theory, and mindfulness-based techniques to help couples improve communication, manage conflicts, and deepen their connection.

3. Check Their Experience with Specific Issues

Every couple faces unique challenges, whether it’s communication breakdowns, infidelity, or differences in sexual desire. It’s important to choose a therapist with experience in addressing the specific issues you’re facing. In my practice, I work with couples on a wide range of issues, including pre-marital counseling, infidelity, loss of connection, and more. Whether you’re seeking couples therapy in Boulder or couples therapy in Longmont, I offer tailored solutions that address your unique needs.

4. Evaluate Their Compatibility with Your Values

A good therapist should align with your values and approach to relationships. At Dan Michels Psychotherapy, I emphasize the importance of mutuality, fairness, and justice in relationships. These values are central to the work we do together, ensuring that both partners feel understood, respected, and valued.

5. Look for a Free Consultation Offer

Finding the right therapist often involves meeting a few different professionals to see who is the best fit. I offer a free 30-minute consultation to discuss your goals and determine if we’re a good match for each other. This is an excellent opportunity to ask questions and get a feel for how I work.

6. Check Location and Availability

Convenience is key when committing to regular therapy sessions. Whether you’re looking for marriage counseling in Boulder or marriage counseling in Longmont, I offer flexible scheduling to accommodate your busy life. Ensuring that your therapist is easily accessible and available when you need them can make a significant difference in your therapy experience.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. What is the difference between marriage counseling and couples therapy?

The main focus of marriage counseling is usually on problems that arise in a married couple’s relationship. Current conflicts are addressed and efforts are made to strengthen the bond. Regardless of whether the couple is married, couples therapy can be more comprehensive and address a range of relationship problems. The goals of both strategies are to strengthen emotional ties, resolve disputes, and promote communication.

2. How do I know if we need marriage counseling?

Marital counseling can be very helpful if you and your partner are having constant arguments, communication problems, or a loss of intimacy. Counseling is also a smart move if you’re about to go through a big life change, like becoming a parent, or if there has been an affair or betrayal.

3. What should we expect during the first session?

The therapist usually has the chance to learn more about you both, comprehend the problems you’re having, and go over your therapy goals during the first session. I provide a free 30-minute consultation at Dan Michels Psychotherapy so that we can talk about how I can help your relationship and see if we’re a good fit.

4. How long does marriage counseling typically take?

Depending on the couple’s goals and the complexity of the issues, marriage counseling can last anywhere from one to two years. While some couples may benefit from ongoing therapy over several months, others may find resolution in a few sessions. We will work together to choose a timeline that will best strengthen your bond.

5. Is marriage counseling effective for all couples?

For the majority of couples, marriage counseling can be beneficial, but participation and change-making on the part of both partners are necessary for it to be successful. I employ a method at Dan Michels Psychotherapy that has been supported by research and has been demonstrated to help couples, even in trying situations, strengthen their relationship.

6. Can we attend marriage counseling if we’re not married?

Of course! All couples, regardless of their marital status, can benefit from couples therapy. Couples therapy can support you in overcoming obstacles and enhancing your relationship, regardless of whether you’re courting, engaged, or in a committed relationship.

7. What if one partner is hesitant to attend counseling?

It happens frequently that one partner is hesitant more than the other. It’s crucial to approach the prospect of counseling in these situations as a means of enhancing your relationship rather than as an indication that something is off. I’m here to support both partners in feeling at ease with the process and I promote open communication regarding the issues and objectives for therapy.

8. Do you offer online marriage counseling sessions?

Yes, for couples who would rather meet virtually for convenience, I do offer online marriage counseling sessions. You can receive couples therapy in the convenience of your own home, no matter where you live — in Boulder, Longmont, or somewhere else.

9. What are the costs associated with marriage counseling?

The length and frequency of sessions can affect how much marriage counseling costs. I provide a free initial consultation, following which we can talk about the price and come up with a schedule that suits you.

10. How do we schedule a session with Dan Michels?

By going to my website’s Couples Therapy page, you can arrange a session. To get things started, I provide a free 30-minute consultation.

Conclusion

A vital first step in strengthening your marriage is selecting the appropriate marriage counselor. You can choose a therapist who is most qualified to help you and your partner work through the difficulties in your relationship by taking into account these six factors. I’m dedicated to assisting Boulder and Longmont couples in establishing stable, satisfying relationships at Dan Michels Psychotherapy. Make an appointment for your free consultation right away if you’re prepared to move forward.

[stucktounstoppable]

The BIG SIGNS He’s Wasting Your Time & How to Tell If He’s USING YOU!

Dr. Stanley Tatkin is a renowned expert in the fields of psychology and relationship therapy. Dr. Tatkin brings a wealth of knowledge about the dynamics of healthy relationships and the importance of mutual understanding and support.

In this conversation, Dr. Tatkin delves into the concept that there's no such thing as a universally 'healthy' relationship; rather, it's about what works for the individuals involved. He emphasizes the importance of purpose and principle in relationships, going beyond mere feelings to establish a solid foundation for partnership.

Dr. Tatkin and I explore the idea of focusing on the relationship you want, rather than just the person. He shares valuable insights on creating a list of attributes and values you seek in a relationship and the importance of aligning with a partner who shares your morals and ethics. This approach, he suggests, is more effective than simply seeking an idealized partner.

Discover more about Dr. Stanley Tatkin's approach to building and maintaining strong, purposeful relationships: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/therapy-with-stan

In this episode, you will learn:

- Dr. Tatkin's insights on what constitutes a healthy relationship. - The importance of establishing a relationship based on shared purpose and principles. - Strategies for identifying and aligning with a partner who shares your values. - Tips for self-reflection and growth in preparation for future relationships. - How to effectively manage and understand triggers from past relationships.

Check out this episode!

[sfrelationshipcoach]

The Couple Bubble and the Warring/Loving Brain: The Foundations of a Secure and Loving Relationship

Source: Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New York: Plume, 2012. In the first two chapters of “Wired for Love,” Stan Tatkin lays the foundation for his approach to building healthy and lasting relationships. He begins by introducing the concept of the “couple bubble,” which is a…

[marsduality]

Secure Attachment Skills #9: Un-automate

From Diane Poole Heller's The Power of Attachment

---

SAS#9 Un-automate

“Stan Tatkin points out that, unfortunately, we have a tendency to automate our partners. We expect them to behave and respond in a given bandwidth that isn’t very flexible, and we can mistakenly believe that we know everything there is to know about this other person, which is ridiculous. Every person in our life is a unique, unfolding universe.”

“One way to do so is to find new and unusual things to do together. This will help you stay interested and connected to different aspects of those you’re close to. Novelty creates attraction in the brain. It keeps our relationships alive, exciting, and passionate. The more we allow for novelty and complexity, the more possibilities we encourage to arise in our relationship, which keeps us interested. So it’s important to keep yourself open to all the different possibilities of what your partner could be and who they are and not assume that you already know them, and it’s all done. It’s not done; it never ends. Every day is a new beginning.”

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Men Helping Men

A private and open-ended men’s group devoted to the exploration and thoughtful discussion inspired by today’s leaders in relational wellness, happening Thursday 8 to 9:30 PM EST nights, online, March 2nd to April 20th.

Who it’s for:

This group is for men interested in gaining support and like-mindedness from those in similar circumstances. Does your partner complain that you are not communicative enough? Have you ever struggled with articulating emotions, depression, or feeling overall “numb”? Come join with fellow men going through similar life stages and relationship challenges.

Men Helping Men is an open-ended group that includes exploration and thoughtful discussion inspired by leaders in relational wellness. Each meeting explores different facets of what makes relationships successful (and what makes them not) and how these concepts apply to our world, voice, and hearts. MHM will also discuss essential topics like:

Vulnerability

Intention

Curiosity

Varied forms of empathy

Understanding versus problem solving

Independence versus togetherness (and other core differences)

Uncertainty

Shame

Differentiation

Accepting influence

Mindfulness

Drawing from evidence-informed theories from couples therapists and theorists such as Terry Real, Stan Tatkin, Brene Brown, Esther Perel, David Schnarch, and others.

What you’ll take away

You’re not alone. There are many traits modern men have in common, especially those committed to bettering themselves and their partnerships. This is not easy work, but it is worthwhile and will expand your skill set for your home, friendship, and working life immeasurably.

Highlights

Group cohesion is unlike anything you might have experienced before. The comfort and safety of a support group are life-giving, connective, growth-minded, and generative. 90 minutes a week for eight weeks might seem like a serious time crunch, but ultimately, you’ll find the time spent with the group will breeze by, and you won’t ever view group therapy in the same way.

Details: Date(s): 3/02/23 – 4/20/23 (8 weeks/recurring) When: Thursdays Time: 8 to 9:30 PM EST Where: Online Cost: $675

About the facilitator

Patrick has over a decade of experience as a group facilitator, including running a local open men’s group, a statewide crisis-stabilization unit in Tennessee, substance treatment, mindfulness, and more. He has served as a therapist for those with addictions and treats couples in all stages of relationship commitment. He is a LICSW with training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Gottman Couples Therapy, Brief Therapy, and more. Patrick is most passionate about encouraging discussion, not being the focal point: “The best groups are the ones where I say the least.”

Talk With An Expert.

[lesbiancouplescounseling]

How To Improve Your Communication Skills In A Relationship

Most of the lesbian couples that reach out to do couples counseling with me say that one of their biggest relationship issues is COMMUNICATION.

Can you relate?

If so, you’re definitely not alone. It’s supper common for couples (yes, even lesbian couples) to struggle with communication.

THERE ARE A COUPLE OF TYPICAL WAYS THAT THESE PESKY COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS SHOW UP

Do you and your partner go round and round about the same topics and never get anywhere new?

Do you end up frustrated or angry, feeling like she doesn’t listen or really hear what you’re saying?

Afterward, do you ever want to crawl in a hole because you said some mean or hurtful things to the woman you love? Feeling sad that you can’t hit a rewind button and change what you said.

Or would you say more of your issues result from the communication affliction of avoidance?

You know, where you work hard to avoid having difficult discussions, because you don’t want to end up fighting. So you never (or at least rarely) speak your most vulnerable truth.

Whether you’re fighting too often or not speaking up enough, my bet is (like the couples I see in couples therapy) you can improve your communication game. And become a much better team.

7 SIMPLE HABITS THAT WILL IMPROVE YOUR COMMUNICATION INSTANTLY (AND THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW YOU TALK OR LISTEN)

Chances are, most of the things you’ve heard or read about how to improve your communication are technical suggestions on how to speak differently or listen differently.

Well, you’ll be glad to know that I’m not going to bore you with more tips on how to use “I statements” or how to “parrot back” to your partner what you’ve just heard her say.

In my world, those tips are tired. AND ineffective. Especially if you don’t have some of the foundational pieces in place.

It would be like telling you and your partner to choreograph a seamless dance without knowing what music you’ll be dancing to or where you’ll be dancing. Just wouldn’t work well. Right?

7 NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION MOVES THAT WILL UP YOUR COMMUNICATION GAME:

1. CHECK THE CLOCK

Maybe that sounds silly. But I’m dead serious.

Think about this…

Have you ever tried to start a difficult conversation at about the time your partner is thinking of heading to bed? Or worse yet, right before your dinner guests are due to arrive?

Needless to say, it doesn’t go so well.

So, make sure you’re mindful of what time it is in relation to other important things going on with you and her.

And never start a hard discussion right before bed. Getting enough quality sleep is an important ingredient to happy relationships.

2. SIT EYE-TO-EYE

What the heck does that mean?

I’ll tell you.

When you sit across from your partner, and close enough to see each other’s eyes (that’s what I call eye-to-eye), you set yourselves up for communication success. And you’ll go from disconnected to connected, fast.

It’s like having music for the dance.

One of my mentors, Dr. Stan Tatkin, explains that love is up close and war is at a distance.

When you gaze into one another’s eyes, you and your partner will have a loving and calming effect on each other.

You’ll be much less likely to trigger a threat response. And you’ll be in a position to read each other’s facial expressions. Which will help with understanding.

BTW — that’s different than reading each other’s minds.

3. SMILE

A genuine smile is a universal signal for friendliness.

It’s a quick way to let your beloved know that you’re on her team. That you’re not out to get her. That you actually like her.

I want you to think back to a time when your partner was super uptight at a social gathering because she felt uncomfortable. And you caught her eye and smiled at her. Remember how she instantly relaxed a bit when you smiled at her?

Smiling at her during a tough conversation will help her relax, too.

And when she’s relaxed she’ll probably do that mirroring thing and smile back at you.

Ahhhh!

Then the tension you’re feeling will ease, in turn.

Smiles create beautiful positive feedback loops. So don’t miss out!

Become the smile leader during your next communication bout, and notice what happens.

4. START CALM AND REMAIN CALM

Whether you’re the one bringing up a topic to talk about, or your partner is asking you to hear her out, be sure to start the conversation from a place of calm.

If you’re agitated and can’t get to calm, let her know you want to postpone the talk until you’re unflustered.

I’m telling you, your communicating will suck if you’re not in the calm emotional range. This range of calm, emotional equilibrium has been referred to as The Window of Tolerance.

I encourage you to work on developing the skills to regulate your emotional and physiological reactions so that you can remain in that zen zone throughout your conversation.

An easy self-calming trick you can start with is to take a slow, deep breath in, followed by a longer exhale. And do that 3 or 4 times in a row. Or 10, if you need to.

5. USE SOOTHING TOUCH

A great way to help your partner and yourself to stay in (or quickly return to) the window of tolerance, is by using gentle non-sexual touch.

You can reach out and take her hand, put your knee against hers, touch her arm, or even reach out for a hug.

A soothing touch will communicate friendliness and love. It will calm tension and remind you both that you’re in this together.

We’re on the same team, here. Not enemies.

Soothing touch goes a long way to set you up for a lovely communication dance.

6. BEWARE OF YOUR THREATENING GESTURES

Sitting eye-to-eye is one of the best ways to minimize threatening gestures. That’s because your brain will automatically respond to movements that you catch in your peripheral vision as more threatening.

But you also need to beware (and mindful) and take responsibility for your facial expressions, gestures, body postures, and tone of voice that your partner might interpret as threatening.

If you trip her threat response wire, the calm and effective communication stint will be over.

So, check yourself on threatening gestures such as:

rolling your eyes

raising your voice

crossing your arms

turning away from her when she’s speaking to you

sighing loudly when you don’t like what you’re hearing

clicking your tongue

checking your phone

flipping her off

7. STAY STEADY

Here’s what I mean by stay steady.

Sometimes it can be terribly challenging to share your vulnerable thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, and concerns with you partner.

Stay steady.

Just go slow and take your time.

As my teachers, Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson have taught me…

Remind yourself: This is an expression of who I am — It’s about me revealing myself and being willing to express my own thoughts and feelings. This process is about my willingness to take a risk to speak or discover my truth, and about increasing my ability to tolerate the expression of our differences.

Another time you’ll need to stay steady is when your partner is sharing with you something that she feels strongly about. Perhaps something that you disagree with.

It might be something she’s upset about. Or even a problem she’s having with you.

Yowza!

Time to stay steady so you can hear her out. It’s up to you to manage your reactions so that you remain curious without getting upset or defensive.

TRY THESE 7 COMMUNICATION TIPS, TODAY

You can set yourself up to have better communication immediately by incorporating these 7 non-verbal communication habits into your interactions right away.

In my next blog, I’ll be sharing a different set of communication skills that will help you have communication success every time you have a conversation with your babe. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, if your relationship is in trouble, and practicing some new communication skills feels like putting a bandaid on a broken leg, then consider coming to a Lesbian Couples Retreat in Denver. Or if you live in or near Denver, call to set up a free consultation for couples counseling. I promise, Lesbian Couples Therapy can help you get back to being happy and secure for good.

[akaraboonline]

3 Sexless Ways To Rekindle Romance Right Away

Couples might rekindle the passion they once shared by concentrating on a set of reconnection tools and perhaps with some advice from a professional counselor. 3 Sexless Ways To Rekindle Romance Right Away The spark is frequently referred to as "romantic love." Your brain produces a cocktail of chemicals known as a reward system, which is what causes you to feel "romantic love" in reality. When couples are in control of their love impulses, they can also control the chemical reactions that cause those sensations, both within and between themselves. The principles of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), created by family and relationship therapists Stan Tatkin and Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, are described in the sections that follow. The most recent findings in brain biology, adult attachment patterns, and couples therapy are all incorporated into this kind of therapy.

Here are three unsexy ways to immediately rekindle romance in your relationship:

1. Practice the 'lovers gaze' According to biology, when we look passionately into one other's eyes, our internal brain chemicals, particularly dopamine, are amplified or "get high" in turn. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter found in the brain's reward region that has a role in addiction. The proverb "the eyes are the window to the soul" is something we have all heard. For instance, when my husband and I share a meaningful stare, our brains trigger a chain of positive chemical reactions that make us both feel happy. Did you look at each other more frequently than you do now when you think back to the beginning of your relationship? I'm going to assume you did. If you're like my husband and I, you both forgot to look at each other with affection since you were too busy going through life. Looking each other in the eyes and expressing affection and love, though, might help you revive desire and well-being.

2. Pay joint attention to a third object

Realistically, we can't just stand there and stare at our partner. Therefore, focusing on a third item or person is another method we might choose to direct our attention. The key function of this tool is for you and your spouse to engage as you both look at the third. Participation and group activity are included. For instance, my spouse and I enjoy each other's company while preparing a salad in the kitchen. We both contribute equally to the planning and conversation. We could talk about the plot and cuddle while watching television together. Beware of what is referred to as parallel play. When two people are in the same space, engaged in the same or different activities, but each emotionally in their own world, that is called parallel play. It appears that they are passively watching television while seated on the couch, with no touching, chatting, or other interactions. The aim of this tool is not being served by everyone playing independently of one another. 3. Share your excitement and joy This strategy entails exchanging personal enthusiasm, such as witnessing a stunning sunset, enjoying a cleverly made video, or other enjoyable experiences that made you feel good. Then, make a statement your spouse can hear using that good sensation. For instance, while we go out strolling, my spouse enjoys seeing little creatures like squirrels. We both feel terrific if he uses his happiness to tell me, "I love you so much" or "I'm so lucky to be married to you." My husband translated his excitement into my language so that I could "hear" and "catch" it. Both of us profit from this. I may be irritated if my husband, for instance, took his joy over spotting a squirrel and yelled, "Check out that squirrel" to me while not paying attention to me or participating in our conversation. The secret to using this tool effectively is to translate your excitement into something that your spouse can share. Read the full article

[beingdreeyore]

This book made me cry. I got told to read it for work. Ever the obedient little trainee psychiatrist, I read it.

I know that really nothing could have changed any of the trajectory with S the ex, but I have a greater understanding now of what his needs were and how I didn’t meet them. Despite my best efforts and my frantic desperation to “save” us, I was never going to with all the things I tried.

Ugh. I did not need this wave of emotion at lunchtime on a Saturday when im still recovering from too many nights of poor sleep and what may have been the hardest week ever that I’ve completed in my psychiatry training.

If you and your partner are speaking different languages, read this.

[linda-charlie-bloom-blog]

[therapeuticmonologues]

No couple can maintain the continual other-validation ('support,' 'mirroring') poorly differentiated people require.

David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

I believe that support is just as important in marriage as intimacy. But he also makes a good point -- we are all burdens, and at some point the ones we love WILL falter and be unable to carry or help us. What will we do then? 

Dr. Stan Tatkin and the authors of Attached make a convincing argument that committed partnership IS about taking each other on as a burden. That we need to learn ways to rapidly relieve and comfort our partner, for the hygiene of the relationship. They reject the idea that we are supposed to completely self-regulate.

I suppose there is an important difference between self-regulation and self-validation!!! I think that’s essential! 

Co-regulation is important because we really can’t use our neocortexes (an obsession of Schnarch’s) if we are in fight-flight. Being able to co-regulate is an ESSENTIAL function of a couple. We don’t have to resolve everything at all, but to feel safe enough in one another’s presence to speak from a mature, grounded place is ESSENTIAL.

Expecting yourself to self-regulate all the time, as an anxiously attached person, is setting everyone up for failure.

However, being able to validate your own beliefs, thoughts, experiences, etc is something everyone can work on, whether in a relationship or not. I have felt so much healthier as I’ve spontaneously done this more and more. Narrating my own thoughts, emotions and experiences to other people, with a calmness that comes with self-validation, has gone a really long way into letting other people know me, and to allow myself to be known even when they freak out or misread me. 

Differentiation is owning your own emotions, needs, thoughts. Differentiation helped me to get divorced because when I did that, it became totally clear that my spouse couldn’t handle any of the above. Differentiation is not guaranteed to keep yall together! Which should be obvious but he has not addressed it at all in 108 pages. He has not addressed yet what you do if differentiation leads to conflict that does not end in more intimacy.

[funsimplethings]

[sfrelationshipcoach]

The Couple Bubble: The Key to a Successful Relationship

In his book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin refers to the “couple bubble” as a relational space where each partner can be themselves and accept each other as is. The bubble is an ecosystem that fosters safety and security for partners, and it is essential for a successful relationship. Tatkin explains that the couple bubble is created through a process of attunement. Attunement is the ability to…

[marsduality]

Secure Attachment Skills #6: Be Mindful of Comings and Goings

From Diane Poole Heller's The Power of Attachment

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SAS#6 Be Mindful of Comings and Goings

“Our attachment systems are sensitive to when people approach us, when they leave, and what happens in our relationships as a result of those transitions. For some of us, meeting up again is more difficult than a departure, and vice versa.  It’s interesting to pay attention to what happens when people come and go in our daily life. What kind of person are you? Are you sensitive to others approaching you? Do you avoid approaching others yourself? Do you feel distressed when folks say goodbye and leave?

“Stan Tatkin recommends a  beautiful activity called the “Welcome Home Exercise” Maybe you’re at home making dinner, and your partner comes home from a long day at work. To do this exercise, all you have to do is turn the heat down on the food, walk over to your partner, and give them a big hug.  You stay in that full-body, belly-to-belly embrace long enough for both of your bodies to relax and regulate.  As I mentioned earlier, our nervous system is built to co-regulate, and this is a way to directly interact with another person’s nervous system. You connect your two bodies and regulate each other, which sets the tone for your time together going forward.  As it turns out, when you experience another person as neurologically regulating, your body really wants to be with them.”

“We can do little things like this to begin the day, too.  Some people always have breakfast together or make each other coffee or take a walk around the neighborhood. Whatever it is, try to establish a ritual for each other that appreciates the importance of comings and goings. Making this a priority will strengthen your attachment bond.”