#ss empire lance

[carbone14]

Soldats du 7e Bataillon Green Howards, 69e Brigade, 50e Division d'infanterie britannique (Northumbrian), nettoyant et préparant leurs fusils à bord du navire de transport 'SS Empire Lance' – Opération Overlord – Southampton – le 3 juin 1944

Photographe : Sergent A. N. Midgley - No. 5 Army Film and Photo Section, Army Film and Photographic Unit

©Imperial War Museums - B 5238

[kyogre-blue]

Staring the Kingdom half of CF!

The standout point is obviously the interplay regarding Arianrhod. Taking it is part of a strategy to attack Fhirdiad in a pincer maneuver, but a side goal is killing Cornelia, who Edelgard and Hubert know is an Agarthan. The whole thing is cloaked in plausible deniability and doubletalk, but Arundel pretty much immediately retaliates by dropping javelins of light onto Arianrhod as a warning. Of course, Edie then proceeds to lie and claim the church did it. Woof.

As a side note, there was a lot of supports this chapter because I went to the monastery a few times and ate a bunch of meals. I don't care too much for the Black Eagles, so I didn't have too many impressions (though some pairings seem to work better than others imo), but one interesting thing is that Edelgard is... hm, more patient that I would necessarily give her credit for?

I know people say they admire her drive and determination, but given her nonsense and unfounded goals, I never really saw those as positives. However, I have to say her self-control is quite impressive. She really can keep a straight face through anything (only giving actual emotional reactions to Byleth once she's very comfortable with them) - compare to Claude quite easily losing his cool and getting defensive if something hits too close to home. But she also keeps a very even keel when dealing with the Black Eagles' "quirks." In particular, she's quite calm in regard to Bernadetta's nonsense in a way that is quite humanizing.

It's not anything deep, but I did find it interesting.

Live blogging:

Hum... the way they go "we're marching to Fhirdiad!... except we're not! we're going to Arianrhod!" really feels like they realized they needed to squeeze in at least one more chapter to pad out the route. Edelgard's promotion to Emperor class also feels very random.

In-universe, we're sending most of the army toward the capital, while our little group goes to assault a famous fortress. Somehow. How are we even reaching it...

Hubert and Edie know about Cornelia having a "weapon" (Titanus, as we see later).

Lysithea is touched at being trusted with this secret plan (as part of the strike force) and says she's now fully into Edie's cool aid. Petra likes surprise tactics. Leonie... does not. She slips up and calls it cowardly lol.

Felix insists he's totally cool with betraying his homeland and his family, he'll kill his king, his father and the goddess, you just watch... but his sword feels heavy u.u

Ingrid says she's... not cool with being a traitor everyone who ever loved her, but you see, she must because uh Byleth said so and she trust Byleth (and their C rank in lances or whatever it was).

Sylvain is thinking about Dimitri and wants to train. He's mentioned before that he's afraid he'll get killed in battle, as well as the rest of us.

Dimitri is called the Tempest King because there's nothing left in his wake, like after a storm.

Edelgard has locked herself in her room. She also painted a portrait of Byleth. Sure, ok.

120 years ago, the Southern Church in the empire "had a massive insurrection" and the bishop who participated was exiled by the emperor. Boy, the Empire sure has a lot of insurrections, huh?

Bernie has decided she wants to travel and draw pictures of (cute carnivorous) plants she sees.

Caspar's supports with Petra and Shamir both bring up his feelings of guilt about his father's and the empire's war and the human toll of that. It's... kind of something that both of them seem to mostly sidestep the issue in the end.

I think the quest to get the dark merchant to appear on this route only gives you... Brigid and bandit battalions, so the Morfis battalion being linked to it on SS was just a coincidence, I guess.

Arianrhod is a fortress city that was built about 400 years ago. It was built by the Empire (using their "money and technology") against the Kingdom, I guess during their independence war. However, the head of House Rowe betrayed the empire and sided with the kingdom, making it change hands right before its completion. It has not fallen since. It's called the Silver Maiden due to its beautiful white walls.

Cornelia brought some Titanus with her, along with dark mages and... Gwendal. She tells the Titanus(es?) to go ahead and kill Kingdom troops too.

Doesn't seem to be any special dialogue for Cornelia vs Edelgard.

Immediately after we beat up Cornelia, Arundel comes over lol. Lots of double talk between him and Edelgard but the main point is that, per the paralogue, Edelgard is beginning to act more impudently toward the Agarthans, since she is gaining more and more power and getting closer to her goal (after which, they're next on the chopping block). This includes intentionally targeting Cornelia while still maintaining deniability about how she totes didn't know Cornelia was an Agarthan mole.

btw, the fact that I know we do not have a section for fighting the Agarthans on this route is high-key ridiculous, given the buildup.

The Agarthans nuke Arianrhod as a warning, though that's uh... quite pointless, honestly. Based on Hubert's panicked reaction and Edelgard's obvious surprise, they did not know this was a thing.

However, they had previously investigated Aillel and thought it was the goddess's doing. They know better now... but that won't stop them from blaming it on the church anyway!

The scene of Edelgard calmly lying to the crew is amazing as a contrast. I haven't seen whatever equivalent there is on AM, but iirc VW had a pretty direct parallel where Claude explains stuff to the team. It had the usual Church Bad issues, but that's at least his honest perspective and not... flat lying. This route is really just lies all the way down.

[toririvas]

A list of character interactions that me and my dad think would be really funny, interesting, wholesome, or whatever. Crossing universes of SS&S, VC and Superpowereds.

- D&D night but it's Hershel DMimg for the dorkass squad (Alex, Lance, Donald, and Tim)

- conversely those five being friends through the multarian internet and having like, the ultimate Fortnite fiveman squad

- Roy, saddled with his boyfriend Chad, looking at Social Disaster Austin: oh my god there's another one. Mary are you seeing this shit.

- "so what did you do when you first saw green eyes over there?" "....dropped a couch and broke a door frame." "shit you're somehow worse than Chad all he did was shatter a beer"

- I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IVAN AND NICK. Like. Oh my god imagine it. Shut up. Ivan /knows/ someone like him. Someone who had their sense of self trained out for one job. Maybe for one it's endless chaos and one it's running a small empire. It's the same. Do you understand am I saying nonsense--

- NOBODY PUT IKE AND NICK IN THE SAME ROOM. BAD AUDIO. as they're endlessly puzzling each other out like "how much of you is fake"

- Nick, getting an intuition: I think I should talk to you.

- Johnny Three Dicks, blinking demurely: little ol me?

- Alice and Thuggernaut, looking from those two to each other: this will not end well.

- Will and Tori would be unstoppable. They'd take over the world.

- ELLIE ALICE POWER HOUR. let's teach Ellie how to have a sense of self a little more! let's let Alice have her girl stuff and friends!

- my dad: globe and ivan would meet at a cooking class. (me: and grumph.) dad, nodding solemnly: and grumph

- warren is just a good fit with the SS&S crew in general?

- SO IS KYLE. Kyle needs to be a solid middle of the pack guy. It's where he works. He's so wound up. He'd try to hang with Chad/Roy/Austin out of habit but he wouldn't vibe.

- I NEED TO SEE A SLUGFEST OF BEV/ROY/GABBY/AUSTIN/REN.

- ivan meets dean Blaine and just takes a nap because he doesn't have to worry about Shit All. also they'd be yearning buddies.

- who would excel at whose programs? like would the rookies be able to handle lander training. could melbrook (sophomore year) handle the desert trial.

- hannah and warren. "my fucking teacher made me wear medieval times wizard robes for almost a year." "why didn't you just fucking grow a pair and melt his ass." "choke." "you're not my type." (grudging respect)

- hannah and tori but they're roommates is the funniest au i can think of

- again owen ivan and thistle in the "accidentally adopted a wayward angry twenty something" club

- hannah tori and gabby in the "accidentally adopted by a really powerful guy" club

- again holy shit do not let nick and johnny interact do not do it the world would collapse

- would sally and janet get along or would they not. they're so similar. but yet.

- eric would absolutely hang with the apprentices

- nobody let shallura and tori meet

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

What I will say about anon's part is that Fleche doesn't disappear in CF after Randolph unceremoniously dies in front of Edelgard after his report. She does go poofie in the other two routes though. In Hopes if you include that, she does have an arc about wanting revenge on Claude (which is technically justified in this route whereas it isn't AM - getting back to that later) and is basically the same Fleche we know from AM.

You're right though that Randolph does whatever he has to for a promotion and it's pretty awful. It's also awful to me how Fleche could've been a better character but she was reduced to "my brother was obsessed with fighting in war for a promotion and got himself killed and now I'm mad at the people who killed him even though he did this to himself in the middle of a war when any random shmuck could've lanced him in the back".

Also, considering they fight for the aggressors in this war, I have no sympathy for people wanting revenge on the Empire's side. Y'all made the decision to people's countries and homes like that. Y'all have no right to talk about revenge from loved ones dying in the war y'all started.

As for Dimitri, that entire storyline is like eh but it makes sense in the context of Dimitri realizing that his desire for revenge could lead to him being killed and that being that. Fleche's arc existed to improve upon a main character's arc. Giving Fleche and Randolph names was also meant to give a bit more significance to their paths leading to nowhere, and thus telling Dimitri his would too at that point (which is why he dies in VW/SS).

The reason I hate when people complain about wah wah Fleche in AM is that... Dimitri never even laid a single fucking hand on Randolph or Fleche. Her anger and rage was misdirected and she just blamed it on the only person she was aware of in the Kingdom army, having hear "monster" in the name and so just assumed it was him. Byleth killed Randolph and Fleche, and Byleth was prompted by Rodrigue, who was already dying. Point being, Fleche's anger got someone who had nothing to do with her problems killed while trying to kill someone who had nothing to do with her problems.

Here's the thing. If Randolph had gotten taken prisoner, he'd still be alive. Dimitri was more likely to take him prisoner than to kill him. Byleth just "couldn't stand watching Dimitri" as he rambled about what he would do to Randolph... which honestly he probably would not have even done. I can guarantee people in his group would talk him out of it.

Considering Dimitri struggles with the idea of killing Ferdinand and Lorenz if they're not recruited, it's a hint that all his words really are just hot air. He tries to convince himself they had to die because he can't cope knowing they/one of them died. He gives a pathetic excuse over it (and remember, anyone could've killed them in battle - he's just trying to reason with their death and convince himself why it had to happen) and tries to drop it quickly.

AM Dimitri, even at his worst, tends to speak his rage more often than actually do anything about it, which imo is attributed to him having friends/family (i.e. Rodrigue, who he literally calls his second father) surrounding him and helping him in a way that doesn't happen in VW/SS (because it can't for story purposes obviously so I have to let that slide lol).

Fleche is an excuse for people to hate Dimitri. He never harmed her, nor did he do more to Randolph than fight him/his invading army. Byleth was the one to kill both siblings, but no no nooooo, the stans can't possibly hate Supreme Leader's obsession and waifu! Better blame it on Dimitri then!

Honestly, Fleche's revenge driven arc fits better in GW because Claude did actually let Randolph die so he could deal with the Church's forces and the Empire's forces all at once (seeing as he expected Edelgard to turn against him after Rhea was dealt with anyway, so he wanted to save as many of his own people as he could while also eliminating any future threats). Technically Fleche's reasons for wanting for revenge are valid.

In AM it's literally just "this is the only guy I'm aware of in this army and they call him a monster in the Empire (surprise surprise, the Empire calling a mentally unwell person a monster) so I'll just assume he killed my brother who left me, who begged for him not to leave, to go to war for his uwu promotion."

@ random it's your turn!

I'd say the reason Edelgard doesn't get backlash and yadda yadda is because we know she doesn't need a wake up call. She knew what she was doing and why, and she was fully capable of making her decisions rationally. Dimitri was in a state where he was hearing voices of loved ones in his head calling him awful things and demeaning him, telling him to kill Edelgard over and over and over... and he heard this for basically five years straight with nobody around to help him believe anything else.

Also, for how lowly Dimitri thinks of himself, it still hurts him to hear those voices saying those things to him. It still stresses him out and he just wants it to stop. That's part of why, outside of his own need for revenge, he's so desperate to kill Edelgard. He believes the voices will stop tormenting him if she dies, i.e. he's literally going insane and has lost his mind at this point. He does need a wake up call and he needs help.

In contrast, Edelgard could, sure, be told what she's fighting for is wrong and that the Agarthans lied to her and such. The thing is though, at this point she firmly believes in what she knows about the Nabateans. There's nothing that would make her stop except killing Rhea (and wiping out all Nabateans, which it's notable that in CF you have to use Byleth to allow Seteth and Flayn to escape or they will die) and achieving conquest (something she's up front about, so she's not unaware that she's wiping out the other territories in the process of her war "against the Church". The Church is her propaganda for her war of conquest, and she's fully aware of that).

Basically, even if someone tried to argue with her, she wouldn't change her stance because she knows exactly what she's doing. Dimitri was delusional and literally thought he could still talk to Glenn. When Edelgard is confronted with her actions by Dimitri in AM, she argues her perspective with full awareness. When Dimitri is confronted about basically anything, his reasoning starts to fall apart and he has to search for reasons why things are happening (ex. Ferdinand and Lorenz).

Only once he's a bit more stable again can he start to think and reason properly and try to ignore what the voices tell him - something he is aware he'll always have to deal with, which he states outright, so the stans' argument of "his relationship with Byleth is just a fix him fantasy" blew up in their faces before it even existed (and in fact is a hugely ablest argument against mentally unwell people, trying to argue that Byleth can just magically fix him when both the writing and character himself are aware that's not how that shit works).

Also, I would like to argue your point about the BL characters being the only ones with any sense of seriousness!!! Lorenz does have a lot of seriousness underneath his ranting. I think you're not very fond of him from what I recall? But he does genuinely take his position seriously - seriously enough that he'll throw himself into a war that could end his life so he can at least protect his people from invasion.

Frankly, I actually think AM Lorenz makes more sense than VW Lorenz, since AM Lorenz is essentially a political prisoner and can't defy Edelgard (and he knew that from the moment she declared war, as he was already dreading that in monastery dialogue). VW Lorenz is a bit too quick to turn against Edelgard, and I guess he's probably hoping his father will understand and keep up the appearance of Gloucester siding with her (which Erwin only did to keep his lands safe, not because he believed in her cause), but it isn't fleshed out enough imo and all I can think of is that maybe they could spin a narrative that Lorenz betrayed his father and that his father is still loyal to Edelgard, so there's no need to invade Gloucester. Unfortunately of course we don't get a conversation like that of them really getting into it, but eh. Story could've been better and all that.

Regardless, Lorenz is definitely one of the only characters in GD who gets a legitimately serious war arc characterization, where he has to balance his position and the lives of his people against his own life. In AM when he ultimately decides to turn on Edelgard, it's because he was there personally to witness another army being able to take out her forces. It gave him hope that he could finally turn on her - something he implies he wanted to do and simply couldn't do prior. In VW he's just going off the speculation that maybe they have a chance now, versus actually seeing with his own eyes that the Empire can be taken down. It also feels a bit more finnicky to me in VW because he clearly still doesn't trust Claude but just... goes with it... anyway?

anyway yeah tl;dr randolph is trash as a person and while fleche is not necessarily, she was ruined the moment the stans user her as a tool in their dimitri hate, because they reach to lengths unheard of to make up shit that never actually happened in game to hate on him. the thing is, they don't hate the character in canon - they love edelgard and must hate anyone that stands against her, and so need to fabricate narratives to circle jerk about so they can hate the characters. considering they also have to warp edelgard's existing narrative to actually like her/to try to make excuses for personally defending imperialism and ableism among other things just to like their pixel waifu, that fact is wholly unsurprising.

It's still wild to me that people will go to bat for the nothing characters that are Randolph and Fleche as proof of Dimitri being bad; we know next to nothing about them, they have miniscule screentime, what little we do know of Randolph paints him as human scum who'd do horrific things if it meant a chance at a promotion, and Fleche illogically only ever holds a grudge against someone for killing her brother if that someone is AM!Dimitri, with her completely vanishing from the game in every other route.

Eh,

I'd say they play the same purpose than this random child in TS in Roland's story - at this point, both lords want vengeance, and they have to face someone who also wants (misdirected!) vengeance at them, smth smthg like war sucks because people die.

But it's completely wasted in FE16, because, as you said, Randy isn't a random or a civilian or a war orphan, he is a general leading an attack on refugees/civilians/randoms to gain more fame, and dies in the process.

Now, can we say Flèche's anger and death are ultimately directed at Randolph, who died for nothing and took his sister down with him in his quest for "muhrit" ? Or are we supposed to think that this scene is important because Dimitri, the Blue Lord, isn't supposed to fall as low as the Imperial Army - something he comes close to (apparently?) ?

And yet again, it completely fails.

Because for one Randolph - who also had a family and loved ones - we have 50 Waldos and Baldis, whose lives aren't given any fuck about.

We don't see a war prisoner, or an Adrestian civilian accusing Supreme Leader of having sent her/his wife/husband/daughter/son to death with a conquest they never asked and trying to off her.

Only Dimitri receives this backlash from - invaders who wanted to invade and suddenly remember they have loved ones so are very sad when their loved ones dies - Flèche, but not Claude nor Billy, as you rightfully pointed out.

And Supreme Leader never receives any backlash - or wake up call - from a real third party/civilian/casualty who could have done the exact same thing.

Emile mentions how, during her attack, the Holy Grounds near Garreg Mach were turned in a slaughterhouse, why don't we have any civilian who survived from that try to take a jab at Supreme Leader? Waldi's best friend? Baldo's mother? A war captive from Leicester/Faerghus or a conscripted Adrestian?

I laughed about it with friends earlier, and again with the teatime paralogue, but it truly feels as if only 1/3rd (since the church doesn't count) of the cast will face consequences for the war and suffers backlash from the constant fighting (they didn't even start!).

Whenever you have to deal with serious stuff in Fodlan, it'll be for the BL members.

The rest? Will sip tea, talk nonsense, try to solve "mysteries" and live as if nothing is happening in the background.

Just imagine how both deer routes could have been much more impactful and interesting - instead of being a recycled Billy route with a different infodump at the end - if Raphael's sister popped up to a War Council, asking Claude to stop coddling the Empire because their lands were invaded, her grandfather put to Aymr and her inn destroyed by the Imperial Army, or how Ignatz's older brother discovers how Adrestia is burning pieces of art and history and every material related to Leicester and Faerghus history because they want to push an "Adrestia Eternal" narrative. Heck, Claude could even discover more "lore" by picking a Leif route, sort of rescuing the people "handpicked" to become new Baldos and Waldis, discovering the secret of the artificial crest stones and maybe having an infiltration map where, lo, instead of receiving an info dump, they maybe witness Rhea being turned in a relic or used to "produce" artificial crest stones.

War BaD, but only when we can make the BL suffer for it, for the rest, it's just a bgm.

And even then, it can't be too critical of Supreme Leader, because she was made to sell alts in FE heroes or dubious Cipher Cards.

"Supreme Leader", "cute girls" and "I want to see how Faerghus and its knights will deal with the aftermath of the Tragedy while defending against the invading forces".

Tl; dr : Flèche and Randolph are named, which is a cheap way to make people care for them despite their role in the plot, but the demonic beasts and the civilians dying aren't mentionned nor talked about.

Hell, why do you think I gave names to the artificial demonic beasts? The game doesn't want you to think too much about them, but if I talk about Baldo and Waldi, maybe the fandom will?

[fantasyinvader]

So, a couple of thing I want to put out here.

1) I’ve mentioned this before, but Flayn’s endings do confirm that Fodlan changes in every route but CF. This of course kneecaps the argument that those endings restore the status quo. But considering that Flayn leaves your party the second you opt into CF, the only route where you lose Enlightenment and the only one whose epilogue’s boarder is black rather than white, her leaving can be seen as important to the ending. Think about it, Nirvana allows someone to escape from the cycle of death and reincarnation. We maintain said status in SS/AM/VW, the routes where Flayn is around at the end to confirm Fodlan changes. CF is about restoring the Empire and losing Nirvana through ignorance, implying the cycle has just reset itself. It is the only route that doesn’t have confirmation things will change, even Heroes makes it out Edelgard is still trying to figure out how things will work, while Lorenz and Sylvain have endings that show they pass their positions off to their kids in complete contrast to what Edelgard wants. What did Hanneman say again in his support to Dorothea? Oh yeah.

“ Consider this. At its inception, the concept of nobility assumed that the greatest among the populace would rise to power... However, in practice, nobility often serves to keep those deemed commoners down, segregated from those who, by chance, were born to a noble family. “

The cycle repeats.

2).One of the things that has been bugging me lately is VW’s role in the story. I know I’ve argued it’s the outsider route because it doesn’t reflect the themes of SS, AM and CF that the game was built around. The idea of it being a foil to CF in some way was there, if it wasn’t meant to reflect those themes than what was it?

Then I remembered the interview, how Claude was originally meant to be a villain you can’t hate. This stuck me as odd, since a lot of people argue that CF is about humanizing Edelgard and making it harder to hate her. That doesn’t fit in with the interview, since it would mean having two likable villain protagonists. But what if, after everything we see, Edelgard WASN’T meant to be likable at the end of CF? That CF was meant to show us how vile she actually was, while the writing around Claude eventually changed so he stood among the heroes.

This started the ball rolling for me. VW’s foil is more about the nature of their stories. As the game says, Claude’s and Edelgard’s ideals aren’t that far apart but here’s the thing, Edelgard’s a liar.

* So for all the talk about her having trust issues and opening up to you, the fact is she does this as soon as her support becomes available, while Claude’s own trust issues figure more into the story and at the end he still doesn’t tell you his real name. Despite how his own damage is less severe than Edelgard’s tale, Claude’s trust issues are more prevalent. It takes a lot for him to open up about what he really wishes to accomplish to the GD, whereas Edelgard lies to the faces of her closest allies.

* Claude also sees violence as a last resort, whereas Edelgard starts the game by placing a hit on her fellow students in order to better facilitate her conquest. This can even be taken to account with their preferred weapons, Edelgard prefers axes, which have great power but poor accuracy. Claude uses bows, outside of the traditional weapon’s triangle, who are known for their accuracy but also tend to lack in power (not to mention, how they traditionally need support due to not being able to directly counterattack). You can also see this with Edelgard being defeated by Byleth (sword) but is able to defeat Dimitri (lance) except when Dimitri is supported by Byleth.

* Edelgard talks about merit but she takes credit for Byleth’s leadership, never putting them into a position of power and even has lines stating she doesn’t see them as an equal. Claude on the other hand recognizes Byleth would be a better leader for Fodlan than himself, and his speech at the end against Nemesis is all about the power of friendship. Hell, in some of his endings Claude doesn’t take the throne of Almyra and instead adventures around the world.

* His ending is in pure light, while Edelgard’s is in pure darkness.

* Edelgard says she has the true history of Fodlan, making it sound like it turned her against the Church. Claude actually does learn the true history and as a result is a lot more sympathetic to Rhea at the end.

* Edelgard talks about uniting the continent, doing away with the Church, and bringing to light the history she has been told. While she forcefully does the first, the details show she takes over the Church instead and spreads her own false history. Claude does unite the continent in the aftermath of the death of it’s leaders, the Church loses a lot of power as a result of the war and Rhea’s death, and Nemesis himself shows up to prove he wasn’t the hero. While this may have played a role in the post-war loyalist uprising, Claude does what Edelgard says she would do.

* Edelgard says she will make peace with Almyra, thinking it will be easy because they don’t believe in the Goddess. But in CF, she kills/exiles Claude. IT’S PRINCE, NO SURPRISE THERE’S AN ATTACK THE MONTH AFTERWARDS. And Hilda and Cyril, both of whom are a part of the GD in VW, can not join her meaning the paralogue that explains that Almyra fights for shits and giggles is not available in CF. Claude does unite his forces with Almyran ones in order to stop Edelgard despite the latter not believing in the goddess.

I mean, we can go on. But it’s clear, Claude is definitely meant to be more heroic than Edelgard. His route is meant to foil CF, showing what it would look like if your leader actually meant what she was saying. Even him being a foreigner can play a role into this, as he’s bringing parts of his culture into Fodlan. Again with the outsider theme, but also outside of the Buddhist/Chinese theming of the rest of the game. Claude is the real deal as he finds the courage to trust others, whereas Edelgard is a fake.

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 62-67

I guess this image sets the stage pretty well.   This is the first part of the climactic Alucard vs. Anderson battle, featured in the story arcs “Hundred Swords”, “Might and Magic”, and “Psyoblade”.

So yeah, most of this is just action shots of Alucard and Anderson fighting.  The main story beats here are the different forms they take on through the course of the battle.   Alucard starts out in this Dracula form, which I assume is meant to depict how he used to look 500 years ago.  He’s got armor and big sword and a mustache.  

Anderson’s big idea here is that Alucard is vulnerable in this form, because he unleashed his horde of familiars to destroy the 9th Crusaders and Millennium troops.   Now that he’s temporarily separated from those creatures, Anderson thinks he can finally kill him once and for all.  

And it seems like Alucard isn’t opposed to the idea.   He calls Anderson his “beloved rival”, and seems to enjoy the prospect of meeting his end at the hands of a worthy human adversary.   But he’s also under orders from Sir Integra to destroy all of the invaders, and I’m pretty sure that includes Anderson.   Soon enough, Alucard reverts to his default appearance, trading in his sword for his handguns. 

This only makes sense, because way back at the start of this story, Alucard asked Walter to build him the Jackal, an even bigger, more powerful version of his original handgun, the Casul.   I mean, why wouldn’t he try it out?  Its bullets shatter Anderson’s bayonets with ease.  

And Alucard still has his horde of familiars, the absorbed souls of all of his victims.  There’s Ottoman soldiers, Wallachians, even those Brazillian cops that tried to kill him in his hotel room that one time.  

Okay, so we know what the Catholics are doing while this is going on, because Anderson told them to retreat while he faced Alucard alone.  But what is Millennium doing during all of this?    Not much, actually.   The Major just lost his entire invasion force down there, but he’s chilling out in his airship, enjoying the duel between Alucard and Anderson.  He orders Walter to make him some hot chocolate.   He seems pretty pleased with all of this...

And here’s a cool shot of Seras Victoria watching the fight.  

So now Anderson has to fight his way through Alucard’s familiars to get at the monster himself.  The odds are steep, but he’ll do it anyway, which pleases Alucard to no end.   He’s thrilled to see another human daring to challenge him this way, just like Abraham van Helsing a century ago.   Well, he doesn’t name names, but come on, we already saw him revealed as Dracula, so there’s no point dancing around this anymore.

Anderson’s arm gets badly injured, to the point where he has to carry it in his mouth as he fights on, but then his Iscariot colleagues show up to help.   Anderson is pissed because he told them to clear out for their own safety, but Heinkel and Yumiko are just as fanatical as he is, and just as eager to die for what they see as a righteous cause.    Anderson can’t talk them out of it, so he accepts their help.  

This guy kind of looks like Anderson with black hair, but he’s not.   He’s just some rando Iscariot dude.   As they get overpowered by Alucard’s minions, or fatally wounded, they set off explosives to take out as many enemies as they can.   So I guess they were just... carrying this stuff on them the whole time?  I think I see now why they lost so many of their guys defending Integra from the Millennium soldiers.  

At last, Anderson clears a path to Alucard, and he finally whips out his secret weapon, procured by Vatican Section III, the Matthew Organization.    In the Hellsing-verse, the Catholic Church seems to have 12 sections that handle their business, each named after the twelve apostles, with Iscariot as the secret 13th section that does all the black ops murder-y stuff.   Fun fact: After Judas Iscariot’s death and Christ’s ascension into heaven, the 11 apostles had a meeting and picked a new member, Mattias to round out their group.   So I assume Section XII is the Mattias Organization, and they handle... I don’t know, maybe making those little communion wafers.    But Section III handles ancient relics, like the one Anderson is holding in his hand.  

Alucard recognizes this at once as the “Nail of Helena”, one of the nails used to crucify Jesus.   I’ve heard of the others that Alucard mentions, but not this one.   The Holy Shroud was the burial cloth used to put Jesus in the tomb, and widely believed to be the Shroud of Turin, although this is disputed.   The Holy Grail, or “Holy Chalice” is supposed to be the cup Jesus used at the Last Supper, and was the subject of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”   The Lance of Longinus, also known as the “Spear of Destiny” was the spear that the Roman soldier used to pierce Jesus’ side when he died.    This got a lot of play in DC Comics, which used the Spear as a plot device to explain why the Spectre couldn’t intervene in World War II. 

The “Nails of Helena” refer to Helena, the mother of the Roman Emperor Constantine, who converted the Roman Empire to Christianity.   Helena went on a quest to find the cross used to crucify Jesus, and she supposedly succeeded.   And now Alexander Anderson is holding one in his hand like Wolverine.  

And this development takes all the wind out of Alucard’s sails.   Not because he’s worried about losing, but because he wants to fight Anderson as a man.   He knows that if Anderson uses the nail on himself, he’ll become some sort of miraculous creature, but give up his humanity in the process.    In other words, he’ll just be another monster like Alucard. 

But Anderson doesn’t care, because he’s not interested in such details.    Alucard wants to die to a human adversary, but Anderson just wants to destroy Alucard, period.   If the nail can make that happen, he’ll gladly use it.

And he does, and this leads to Anderson regenerating his damaged body parts with some sort of thorny tendrils.   One of the Iscariots, probably Heinkel, likens this to the crown of thorns placed on Jesus’ head at the crucifixion.    Alucard shoots Anderson in the face, but he just grows thorns in place of the wound.    Anderson cuts off Alucard’s head, but we already know that won’t stop him.   

Meanwhile, the crew of the Major’s airship are freaking out, because the ground forces have all been destroyed.    The captain asks the Major for orders, and he tells him to arm the crew and give hand grenades to anyone who can’t walk.   If they run out of weapons, then they can use steel pipes or whatever’s handy.   The captain objects, arguing that the battle has been lost and there’s no longer any point in fighting, but the Major scolds him for missing the whole point of this.  

This doesn’t really get explained in full until the end of the story, but I think it was already made clear that the Major’s sole purpose was war for the sake of war.    Now that the battle is turning against him, it seems like a lot of his own goons don’t understand how far he was willing to take this.   

One thing that confuses me is that the airship is apparently staffed by German naval officers.  Presumably these guys were Nazis turned into vampires too, but the captain seems to have different sensibilities than the SS guys that died on the ground.    It’s weird, because they’ve all been planning this invasion for the last 55 years, and so many of them still don’t understand the Major’s plan.   Maybe he just never saw fit to share it with them, or he’s been intentionally deceiving them so they’d cooperate.  

Anyway, the Major summons a pistol from his chair, and there’s this whole sequence where a mechanical arm hands it to him, but when he shoots the guy for insubordination, he misses.   Then he orders his loyal men to do the shooting for him.   Wait, so does Millennium have anti-vampire weapons too?  I mean, we’ve already established that ordinary bullets don’t work on vampires, so why was the Major trying to shoot this dude in the first place?  

Back to the fight, this is what Anderson looks like now, and he’s becoming less human as these thorn tendrils grow over his wounds.  

And he finally gets the drop on Alucard, running him through the neck with one of his bayonets, and getting all that thorny stuff into the wound, which seems to do a real number on Al.  One way or another, his army of familiars starts to burst into flames, so he’s in deep trouble.  

[allykakamatsu]

FE SS X DRV3 General plot

Once again, I’m back on my bulls**t. Got the basics for the AU sorted now so let’s take a look, as well as what most of the characters are doing

Plot Outline:

As I mentioned in the first post https://allykakamatsu.tumblr.com/post/649470604067717120/fe-ss-x-drv3 the reason the class is in Magvel in the first place is because Monokuma decided that trapping them in the game was gonna be the motive, where you either have to end the war/beat the game or kill someone from the real world in order to get out. The characters got sent to various points in the timeline, and as you can imagine, this changed quite a lot.

Shuichi Saihara:

•The last one to wake up, aka got sent to when the game starts rather than some time before like the others.

•Ends up unintentionally becoming Eirika’s bodyguard as they run into each other while the Princess is trying to get to Frelia and Seth has gone missing dun dun dun

•Sticks around as Eirika knows where Kaede is and because he doesn’t want to leave her on her own.

•Can use magic, but still needs to work on his aim. Aka, never let him fight an enemy that’s near a tree.

•Still better than when he uses a Lance, he just stabs wildly and hope it works

•Because he doesn’t get the pre-war time everyone else had to get ready, he does get the advantage of remembering other things, though they’re things he’d rather not remember.

Kaede Akamatsu:

•Was sent to Renais and ended up getting adopted by the royals, so she’s the Twin’s step-sister.

•Despite her accidental new status, doesn’t change too much, and enjoys her time with her new family even if she’s always scarred about when the war will start

•As such, she’s also very overprotective and always goes with Ephriam to his dumb stunts, under the guise of being all for it.

•Very over dramatic organ player.

•Like Eirika she’s good with swords, but tends to specialise in staffs.

•Is part of Ephriams four (well now five) man army trying to take Grado down.

Maki Harukawa:

•Woke up in Jehana but didn’t stick around for long due to not liking the heat.

•Ended up travelling with Tenko for a while as travelling mercenaries, but when Maki’s work started leaning on the assassin side again she left so the Aikido Master wouldn’t get involved.

•After that becomes an assassin for hire, and she works for people all over the continent, including with Rausten which (unfortunately) led to her seeing Kokichi again

•”If it wasn’t for the fact your Princess hired me I’d kill you”

•Eventually after several jobs making her infamous, she was hired by Kirumi to help protect Eirika.

•Agreed, and was extra motivated due to Shuichi being dragged into this.

Himiko Yumeno:

•One of only two who was over the moon to be sent to Magvel, because now she has real MAGIC

•Winds up in Lute and Arthur’s village, where she joins their friend group to become master Mages.

•Constantly getting on Lute’s nerves for napping during practice.

•More energetic than usual, but that just means when she’s out she’s out for the count.

•Specialises in thunder magic, but that’s mostly not to steal Lute’s thunder, well, fire in this case.

•Goes with Arthur to get help when the village is attacked by monsters to “make sure they don’t claw him to death”

Angie Yonaga:

•Ends up becoming a priestess in Grado.

•Doesn’t really like spreading the word of non-Atua figures, but sticks around because Atua said so.

•Also leads to her becoming friends with Natasha and also ‘friends’ with Cormag

•Was already growing weary of the Empire when she heard about the war, but when Natasha was branded a traitor she knew something was up and went after her.

•Still always smiling, which depending on the person is a relief to see someone keeping their hopes up, or disturbing cause “does she ever not smile?”

•Mostly a light magic user, but can heal and not afraid to staff bonk.

Kirumi Tojo:

•Was sent to Frelia and became a servant at the castle very fast.

•Joined the staff only a few days before ‘The Frelian Tragedy’ where the crown Prince was kidnapped and presumed dead.

•Because of this and the King being so busy, Kirumi ended up being the one to console the young Princess Tana.

•Ended up becoming a mother/big sister figure and was offered a change of position as the nanny. Ended up taking it and staying on maid duty, and eventually rose to head maid.

•More open with her emotions, but still quite reserved.

•Can use all weapons well, but prefers spears and staffs.

Kokichi Oma:

•Not known where or when he first arrived, but after 3 years ended up in Rausten.

•Wound up as part of L’Arachel’s entourage due to his battle skills and her liking his attitude.

•Dream tam for each other, nightmare for everyone else.

•Was rumoured to be part of the Frelian Tragedy, but no one can prove it or knows how.

•With L’Arachel for most of the war, but ran off for a bit to drag Renac back

•A full blown trickster class, so swords and staffs for him.

Kiibo:

•Since Robots don’t exist, he’s a dragon now.

•Excited that he’s living and breathing, but scarred because “How did I change species?!”

•Eventually finds Myrrh and she thankfully sets things straight.

•Proud of his new species, but does miss his old life.

•When Selena steals her dragon stone, he tries to get it back, only to get caught in some trees while in dragon form.

•After that accompanies her on Ephriam and Kaede’s path to get the stone back.

Rantaro Amami:

•A former wyvern rider turned pegasus knight

•Yes, somehow he got a pegasus to trust him enough to let him ride, to the confusion of everyone else.

•Was with Grado for a while, but jumped ship to Jehana about three years before the war.

•When he learned that the Queen’s son had run away, his big brother instincts kicked in and he volunteered to find him.

•His search eventually led to Carcino where he found Joshua alone with the rest of Eirika’s party.

•Agreed to tag along so he could keep an eye on the gambling Prince and so he could help out Shuichi.

•Good with lances, but way better with flying.

Miu Iruma:

•A wyvern rider from Grado, though an unconventional one (I mean, it’s Miu)

•She and Rantaro were part of the same squad, but she stayed unlike him.

•Good at making all her allies lives a living hell with her antics (RIP Cormag) but she’s kept around due to her skill

•Saw Valter kill Glenn, but while trying to tell Cormag, got sidetracked by seeing Selena try to take Kiibo’s dragonstone, which made her go “F**k it”, swear the Flurspar out, and switched sides to team Ephriam.

•The only wyvern who uses an axe. Everyone calls her crazy for it but hey, whatever works.

Tenko Chabishira:

•Was in Renais at first, but after being ditched by Maki she went to Jehana due to her unsurprisingly wanting to be in the nation lead by a queen rather than a king like the rest.

•Ends up bumping into Marisa on a job, and once it’s over she convinces Tenko to join the Mercenaries.

•Loves Tethys and Marisa, so she stays no matter what, but she does eventually get some respect for Gherik.

•Doesn’t stop her from thinking somethings up with Kiyo and the new recruit who won’t take his mask off.

•Would’ve joined up with team Eirika either way since everyone else agreed, Himiko being there just made her a lot more aggressive with it.

•Axes all the way baby!

Korekiyo Shinguji:

•Wound up in Caer Pelyn, which royally confused everyone, but they kinda just rolled with it.

•Stayed due to his interest in the village, but when he was about to leave Ewan stopped by, and after a misunderstanding about why he wanted to leave Kiyo gets dragged into the mercenaries.

•At first only stayed due to wanting to send his sister more ‘friends’, but after seeing Tethys and Ewan act like how siblings are supposed to act, he realised how badly he screwed up, so he ends up sticking around to find out what real siblings are meant to do.

•Gladly joins up with team Eirika once they show up not only to stay with his allies, but also to get some more ‘sibling role models’

•Good with dark magic and staffs, but is in the summoner class..... be very afraid.

Kaito Momota:

•Woke up in Carcino, but after realising the guys in charge were assholes, he left and started travelling all over as a mercenary.

•After seeing Ephriam and Kaede storm a castle with 5 people total and win, he got the bright idea to become a masked hero busting innocents Grado captured out of jail and just generally be a thorn in their side.

•Formed a bit of a partnership with Kokichi because of this cause hey, where else in Magvel are you going to get smoke bombs.

•Eventually met Lyon, and after they explained what was going on to him, Kaito decided to risk it all on them as he let himself get caught to help bust Knoll out of jail, which worked, albeit with a lot of extra help from team Ephriam.

•All and all, more or less the same, just in WAY over his head.

•Of course he’s in the Hero class, so that means swords and axes.

Tsumugi Shirogane:

•The only one who’s played the game before, and easily the most excited, especially as she ended up in Grado and to be more specific as Lyon’s adopted sister.

•Thought she could get everything she wanted due to this being a game, but ended up having a bit of an existential crisis when the world turns out to be harder to manipulate and more real then she thought.

•Not wanting to accept that fiction can be real to, decided to take the demon kings power that wasn’t in Lyon (this was before the stone was shattered so that means most of it) to try get control back.

•This, of course, backfires, as while her already wanting to cause chaos/drama meant she kept her sense of self for longer, her lie eventually crashed in as once Shuichi got her to accept that fiction can be real she got completely possessed.

•Has the same class as Lyon, though she’s less tanky in exchange for being faster, worth it when you’re dealing with dark tomes.

Well, that’s everything for now. Hope you enjoy!

[zorua-adorable]

CF's True bad ending; Edelgard: Finally, all enemies of the Empire are defeated. A new era of Fodlan begins now- *stabbed* Gah! Wha? Imperialkeeper?: Greetings! I have something to report. *digs lance deeper* I was the suspicious individual all along, "Your Majesty". Hubert: You-! Are you prepared to die!? Enemykeeper: Heh, those are my words *blows horn, summoning reinforcements* Ready to reap the seeds you've sown? (Wanted to be OG!Gate, but kept it ambiguous for pale slither!version too).

Oooh, I love it! Let the Gatekeeper be badass! We already saw he’s capable (standing up to Thorr, gaining her respect, and not dying against her in newest FB).

I do wonder what would happen with Byleth, though? Would they be taken out, as well?

Maybe if this is OG!Gates, this can go along with my idea for an NG+ au. If you do a new game+ (off SS or VW) into CF, then you get the option to tell Rhea when you two alone together before the Holy Tomb what happened (about the war, time-traveling back, not actually your mama); if you tell Rhea, you get the option to discuss a plan with her to “side” with Edelgard. But in actuality, you’ll be a spy for the Church. Go through Edel’s coronation to avoid suspicion, choose third “spy on Edelgard” option in Holy Tomb; Rhea ‘acts’ same as when you side with Edel (she’s actually acting; you planned this) and when it comes to the CF scene where Byleth falls off the cliff via Rhea, that doesn’t happen (no time skip). Something something Empire falls quickly due to schemin’ (Claude would be proud).

[kendrixtermina]

Everyone’s ‘Canonical’ Class Progressions if not recruited

Compiling this as a ressource. Bolded if masterclass. Excluding the house leaders since they have their own prestige class lines. 

Empire

Bernadetta: Archer (Mock Battle #2), Sniper (Gronder, both VW and AM)

Caspar:  Brigand -> Warrior (Fort Merceus in VW), War Master (Enbarr, AM)

(Guess they beefed him up since it’s the second to last level in AM, though the class generally fits him.)

Dorothea:  Mage -> Warlock (Enbarr, AM and WV)

(She has an unique model as a Dancer, too. )

Ferdinand: Cavalier -> Paladin (Myrrdin, AM and WV)

Linhardt: Priest -> Bishop (encountered Enbarr in AM and in Fort Merceus in VW)

Petra: Thief -> Assasin (encountered in both Gronder and Enbarr)

(Most people play her with an axe, but when you fight her as an enemy she actually has a variety of really fancy swords equipped, and lots of illustrations show her with shortswords or daggers. That said, she does have an unique model as a Wyvern Rider. )

Hubert:  Mage -> Dark Mage (Invasion of Garreg Magh), Dark Bishop (Anytime you run into him post-timeskip)

(Interestingly he can hit you with Meteor in Petra’s and Dimitri’s paralogues, which he can’t actually learn if playable. If you ever needed an excuse to have him throw flaming rocks in fanfic. )

Kingdom

Anette: Mage -> Warlock (in Fhirdiad in CF; Doesn’t show up otherwise.)

Dedue: Armored Knight -> Fortress Knight (encountered in any version of the Gronder mess as well as the penultimate empire route map)

Ashe: Archer (still Archer when you fight him in SS or VW) -> Sniper (in the empire route)

Felix: Mercenary -> Swordmaster (Encountered at Gronder in VW and in Arianrhod in CF)

(I could’ve sworn it was possible for him to show up as a Mortal Savant at some point, but according to the wiki I misremembered)

Ingrid: Pegasus Knight (still Pegasus Knight at Gronder in VW) -> Falcon Knight (In Arianrhod in CF)

Sylvain:  Paladin (still Paladin at Gronder) -> Great Knight (at Tailtean Plains in CF)

(They weren’t kidding about the Kindom army being full of elite fighters. The empire basically had to zerg rush them)

Mercedes: Priest -> Bishop (Encountered at Gronder in VW and at the Tailtean Plains in CF)

(Interestingly she shows up with the Rafail gem in CF. Otherwise she gets it from Jeritza/Emile in her paralogue)

Alliance

Lysithea: Mage -> Gremory (encountered at Gronder in AM or Derdriu in CF) 

(I like how she gets to be aa master class at an early stage where everyone else is in advanced classes just to go with how exceptionally strong she generally is)

Marianne: Priest (doesn’t show up post timeskip outside of VW - though she has an unique model as a Priest)

Hilda: Brigand-> Warrior (Encountered at Derdriu in CF, at Gronder in AM after which she returns as an ally in Derdriu )

Leonie: Cavalier-> Paladin (Encountered at Gronder in AM and at Myrrdin in CF alongside Judith)

(Though she always carries around her little quiver post timeskip and many ppl play her as an archer, she actually turns up with Lances if encountered as an enemy, perhaps to emulate Jeralt)

Ignatz: Archer-> Sniper (Encountered at Gronder in AM and in Derdriu in CF)

Lorenz: Cavalier -> Paladin (encountered at Myrrdin in SS and AM)

Raphael: Brawler -> Grappler (encountered at Gronder in AM, doesnt show up in CF, I like to think he’s chilling with Marianne and Maya in a little cottage out of harm’s way)

[krinsbez]

GI Joe: Remixed, The Crimson Guard/The Crimson Twins

The Crimson Guard was originally founded as CC's personal bodyguard, comprised of Cobra's best and most loyal fighters. Once he got Storm Shadow on side, however, this function became somewhat redundant. Also, CC's the kinda paranoid who is more likely to trust his life to one guy who he has something on than a bunch of guys motivated by loyalty. So, he began sending these highly loyal elite asskickers on other missions, because CC isn't one to waste resources. Over time, these went from being sidejobs to part of the CG's core mission, and it began recruiting people especially to serve as elite soldiers or secret policemen as well as CC's bodyguards.

Then CC came up with the idea for the Fred program infiltrators; Cobra operatives who would be given new faces* and identities, matched with other Cobra operatives who would play the parts of spouses and children, and dispatched to communities around the world with orders to blend in and become part of those communities, both to serve as sleeper agents and subtly influence their new neighbors/co-workers/friends to be more receptive to Cobra and their ideas. It was a no-brainer to turn to the Siegies for this duty. At this point, the Crimson Guard had developed a reputation as Cobra's best of the best, with benefits to match, including snazzy uniforms and a surprising degree of independence. So, when Cobra began recruiting scientists, businessmen, government bureaucrats, police, federal agents, etc. to secretly serve the cause, well, membership in this elite fraternity was a pretty big carrot.

Among those so recruited where Tomax and Xamot Paoli, the identical twin co-Founders, co-CEOs, and co-Chairmen of the Board of Extensive Enterprises, one of the world's most powerful multinational conglomerates. They also are not quite what they seem. Born in Corsica, they grew up as circus performers (acrobats and tumblers, specifically). In their teens they were basically sold to the Unione Corse, and eventually became whatever that organization's version of Made Men are called; more specifically, they were contract killers and enforcers. Eventually, however they left to join the French Foreign Legion...from which they eventually deserted, becoming free-lance mercenaries in an assortment of lawless war zones across the world. Eventually, they acquired sufficient funds to create new, squeaky-clean identities themselves and create EE, which they then proceeded to turn into the globe-spanning empire it is today.

But they weren't really happy with their newfound wealth and status. After all, their new role hasn't made them forget where they came from, or made them feel any less like outsiders. They hate having to hang around a bunch of crowing roosters and mewling lapdogs that imagine themselves condors and wolves, but even more they hate the private thought that all those macho-posturing fratbrats who don't have the slightest clue what it's like to really be a killer, to really be ruthless, to really be A Man (as the Twins consider it) are secretly looking down their noses and laughing at them. But the most galling part is that these money-grubbing milksops who have never seen the look in a woman's eyes as you force her final breath out of her lips with your hands around her throat, or to break a man so thoroughly he begs you to violate his wife and daughters, or any of the other seriously messed-up shit they did during their mercenary and Unione Corse days, actually do run the world, and that in order to get a piece of the pie they have to pretend to be just like them. If anything, having to maintain a mask of corporate respectability makes them despise their supposed peers even more for forcing them to pretend to be something they're not.

But what can they do? They can't maintain their current respectable status and properly punish the empty suits they're sure are laughing at them behind their backs...until they meet Cobra Commander, and he shows them that there is a way they can have both. So they join the Crimson Guard and proceeded to make themselves so useful that CC eventually placed them in charge of the whole shebang, which by this point was a single organization In Name Only and was thus suffering organizational problems. The Twins, enterprising fellows that they were, quickly set about dealing with the problem. Of course, as top commanders, they are able to realize that CC isn't quite the perfectly brilliant visionary leader he presents himself as being to the rank-and-file and their loyalty curdles, but they still want it all, and Cobra is still their way of getting it; as a result, along the way created a new schism, albeit a secret one; between those Siegies who remained personally loyal to CC, and those who gave their loyalty to the Twins...

Additional points:

-The Twins do in fact have a bit of a twin-telepathy thing going on, including Ye Olde Corsican Brothers bit where they can feel what the other is feeling.

-The Twin's loyalties go something like this:

Each other

Themselves as individuals.

The Crimson Guard as an organization

Cobra as an organization

Cobraism as an ideology

Extensive Enterprises

The Crimson Guardsmen that are personally loyal to them

The rest of the Crimson Guard

-

-

-

-

-

Cobra Commander

The rest of High Command

Their legitimate business partners

EE's stockholders

The rest of Cobra

EE execs

EE middle-management

EE's employees

Some people from their past whom they owe debts to.

-The Crimson Guard is basically Cobra's SS and similarly has it's own command structures and several subdivisions that do stuff just for them rather than rely on the support services of Cobra generally. Of course, every subdivision has it's own leader. (one of us created a bunch of these, and made some neat profiles, but I’m not sure how to bring ‘em over to tumblr)

*not via conventional plastic surgery, but instead by some machine Mindbender came up with, which leaves no scarring and has a shorter recovery time with less medication, but also hurts like hell and has a higher risk of going catastrophically wrong. It does have the slight downside of creating new faces by mixing-and-matching from a set database of facial characteristics, which can lead to multiple Freds having almost the same face.

[voltronfandomhag]

Vehicle Voltron: An Introduction

While this is a DoTU focused blog, I do plan on occasionally discussing Vehicle Voltron, DoTU’s lesser known sister series. Way back in the 80s, World Events Productions, or WEP for short, planned on creating what they dubbed the Voltron Trilogy by adapting three different anime series: Beast King GoLion, Armored Fleet Dairugger XV, and Lightspeed ElectroGod Albegas. While these shows were unrelated to each other, WEP planned on tying them together using shared story elements and references to one another, making them all part of the same canon. GoLion became Lion Voltron, while Dairugger XV became Vehicle Voltron. Sadly, Vehicle Voltron failed to achieve the immense popularity of Lion Voltron, receiving a rather lukewarm reception. Plans to adapt Albegas, which would have been Gladiator Voltron, were abandoned in favor of producing a second season of Lion Voltron because of this.

Vehicle Voltron has always been in Lion Voltron’s shadow. It’s usually excluded from the various Voltron remakes and is not widely discussed, so a lot of fans are unfamiliar with it. However, with the inclusion of Pidge’s brother (who was named Chip in DoTU and VV) and Throk into VLD, some long time fans like myself speculate what other VV elements might make into the show or what a new VV adaptation might look like. So for anyone unfamiliar with Vehicle Voltron interested in knowing more, this post is a basic introduction.

The show centers centers around the adventures of the 15 space explorers, who are divided into three specialized exploration units: Air Team, Land Team, and Sea Team. When all their vehicles come together, they form Voltron. The Vehicle Voltron Force pilots are as follows:

Air Team

Jeff: Hot tempered and impulsive leader of the Air Team and Captain of the Voltron Force. Had a friendly rivalry with Keith at the Space Academy.

Ginger: Brave and kind lady who might have a thing for Jeff.

Chip: Pidge’s feisty and intelligent twin brother. He and Pidge were adopted by the same foster parents.

Rocky: Big guy with food on the brain. Hunk’s sparring buddy at the Space Academy.

Wolo: Quiet alien from an unnamed planet. Knew Lance at the Academy.

Land Team

Cliff: Clever leader of the Land Team with a sarcastic streak. Got pranked by Lance and Wolo at the Academy.

Cinda: Kind and soft spoken alien from an unnamed water planet.

Modoch: Quiet strongman of the group.

Marvin: Goofy comic relief character. Alternates between being best buddies with Hutch and wanting to bash the guy’s face in.

Hutch: Hot tempered with a big mouth. Often found either goofing off with Marvin or beating him up

Sea Team

Cric: Rational and cautious leader of the Sea Team. Same species as Cinda. Has ESP abilities.

Lisa: Sweet and sensitive. Has a thing for Jeff.

Tangor: Same race as Wolo. Only makes a few brief appearances.

Shannon: A broody cynic. His brother is trapped in the Pit of Skulls on Planet Doom.

Zandee: Almost never shown. Personality is a mystery.

They, along with various doctors, scientist, engineers and military officers travel on the Steller Ship Explorer, a massive military ship that serves as their home and base, in search of unoccupied habitable planets to relieve the overpopulation of many Galaxy Alliance worlds.

It’s during their exploration they run afoul of the Drule Empire. At first the Drules are your average baddies. Their commanders are power hungry, greedy, and blow off any attempts at peacemaking by Commander Hawkins, the head of the SS Explorer. However, it’s revealed the Drules are also in desperate need of a new world, even more than the peoples of the Alliance. A transient sun or pollution (the canon contradicts itself here) has rendered the surface of Planet Drule uninhabitable. The people are forced to live in underground cities and starvation becomes a serious threat. Even worse if the planet’s core itself has become unstable and may blow at any time.

While the average Drule citizen lives a constant state of fear and uncertainty, Emperor Zeppo and his Supreme Council try to downplay the danger and push for war with the Galaxy Alliance, which they claim is an empire out to steal worlds out from under them. The plot heats up when one of the empire’s top commanders, Hazar, realizes war could spell the end of the Drule race and tries to reach out to the Alliance. These efforts are constitutionally blocked by his peers, resulting in Hazar being demoted, slandered, banished to the desolate world of Dreska, and eventually imprisoned by Viceroy Throk. Some Drule citizens and Hazar’s sister, Dorma, band together in rebellion to overthrow their corrupt leaders, free Hazar and convenience the Alliance that the Drule people are victims of bad leadership and don’t desire war.Things are far less black in white than they were in Lion Voltron and there’s a far greater focus on political maneuvering.

So why didn’t Vehicle Voltron do as well as Lion Voltron? The most common complaint I’ve heard is there’s too many characters. Some of the Voltron pilot got almost no screen time and the revolving door of Drule commanders were a pain the ass to keep track of. Also the concept of a duel series may not have been a welcome one. The kids tuned into watch Lion Voltron, the one they were familiar with, instead saw a different robot and cast of characters, and dismissed it. Others claim VV was boring compared to the more magical and outlandish elements of Lion Voltron.

Personally, I enjoy the series and overall find it more mature than Lion Voltron. Yes, it’s definitely a kid’s show, it’s not super deep or anything, but the plot is more intricate and there’s more moral complexity and shades of gray. I feel there’s a lot great of concepts and characters for Dreamworks to mine for VLD or a sequel/spin-off series should they choose to do so.

[diversegaminglists]

Games with Nazis, Nazi and Fascist Imagery

This list is intended primarily as a content/trigger warning resource. I’m including fascism in general as well as the more obviously named Nazis.

Content Warnings: Mentions of concentration camps, prisoner of war camps, ethnic cleansing, the holocaust, anti-Semitism, eugenics, rape, abortion, and general fascist horrible things.

As with all lists, suggestions and corrections are encouraged,

Fantasy/Fictional Games Featuring Nazis:

'Allo 'Allo! Cartoon Fun! - Licensed game from the 1980s British TV comedy series, set in occupied France.

Another War - Polish made RPG set during WW2 in the style of Baldur’s Gate.

Bionic Commando - The Japanese NES game originally had Hitler as the final boss, but the International versions changed his name without changing his appearance.

Bloodrayne - Set in 1933 and 1935, deals almost entirely with killing Nazis and Nazi vampires. The PC and Xbox versions have had the swastikas removed and replaced with a triskelion style symbol, which is also used by other real world white suprematist groups.

Bugs vs. Tanks - The player is a tank crew of Nazi tanks who have been miniaturised.

CannonCrotch - About killing Nazis with a dick cannon, yeah.

Call of Cthulhu: Prisoner of Ice - Something about Nazi scientists trying to harness the power of eldrich abominations.

Call of Duty: Zombies - Nazi zombies

Captain America: Super Soldier - Features the Iron Cross (the Marvel super soldier, not the medal) and Agents of Hydra, who are both Nazis.

City of Heroes - This defunct MMO had a villain faction who were Nazis.

Command & Conquer: Red Alert - Time travel led to Russia becoming the aggressor in WW2.

Death to Spies Franchise - Hitman style games about killing German spies in the Soviet Union.

Deus Ex - Brief mentions of Nazi gold.

Dino D-Day - As you’d expect from the title, D-Day with dinosaurs.

Double Hitler - A QWOP game where Hitler is two small kids in a trench-coat.

Download 2 - The plot involves terrorist trying to bring back Hitler with digital technology.

Enemy Front - FPS about an American War Correspondent fighting with the Resistance

Epic Fantasy Battle Series - The second game features a Nazi as the final boss. He joins the party in the 3rd and 4th games. Both the Swastika and the Iron Cross symbolism show up in his outfits, though the Swastikas point in the wrong direction.

Ethnic Cleansing - I don’t think I need to explain this one.

Flight of the Amazon Queen - Features a company which is a front for a Nazi group with the names filed off.

Fists of Resistance - Game about punching Nazis

Freedom Fighters - Alternative history where Russia won WW2.

Freedom Force vs The Third Reich - It’s in the title so I’m being redundant for sake of completeness, it features alternative history and time travel but no actual swastikas.

Golgo 13: Wolf's Lair - Infiltrating a Neo-Nazi lair and killing them.

Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode - The Japanese original features a cyborg Hitler and obvious Nazis. These were apparently changed in the English language localisation, but the imagery and use of the swastika remains

The Great Escape (1986) - Based on the movie, not the real events which inspired it.

The Great Escape (2003) - Based on the movie, not the real events which inspired it.

Gran Turismo - Something about Nazi cars??!

GROM: Terror in Tibet - RPG about fighting Nazis with mystical Tibetan magical relics.

Guntu Western Front June, 1944 - FPS set in occupied France

Hans Kloss - A platforming game based on a Polish TV show about a spy stealing German plans.

Hellboy: The Science of Evil - Story involves Nazi scientists, Nazi robots and Nazi gorillas or something.

Hour of Victory - A FPS set in Europe and North Africa

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - One of the playable characters is a former Nazi scientist.

Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis - It’s Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb - It’s Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures - It’s Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade - It’s Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones and the Staff of Kings - It’s Indiana Jones.

The Intercept - Text Adventure about the Enigma decoders.

Into the Eagle’s Nest aka Eagle’s Nest - Gauntlet style game set during WW2

Iron Sky Invasion - NMR

Jang Pung 3 - Something about punching a Nazi Cyborg Dinosaur.

KZ Manager - A series of Concentration Camp simulators.

Kronolog: The Nazi Paradox - Alternative history where the Axis won.

La Croix Pan - Adventure game about an Allied solider.

The Last Resurrection - Some edge-lord nonsense pretending to be satire where Jesus is an anti-Semitic (yes, really) supervillain rapist and Hitler is his right-hand man or something.

Laura Bow: The Dagger Of Amon Ra - Set in 1926 but features a Germany security guard who goosesteps.

Lost Horizon - Point and click adventure game in the style of Indiana Jones with Thule Nazis, though all swastikas are replaced with the Iron Cross because it was made by a German company.

Len Deighton's Blitzkrieg: The Game - From the Rise of Hitler to the Fall of England - RTS where you play as Germany in a fictional scenario where they win the war.

Marine Raider - Text adventure about Allied forces in Japan.

Metal Gear Solid 1 - Hitler is briefly mentioned in dialogue.

Mortyr: 2093-1944 & Mortyr 2 - Alternative History FPS about time travelling to stop Hitler winning WW2.

Mr. T - Something about Mr. T and Will Wright teaming up to fight Nazis,I don’t know either.

Operation Darkness - Fire Emblem style JRPG with vampires and werewolves as well as Nazis and Vampire Nazis.

Opération Teddy Bear - French Edutainment title to teach kids about WW2 history and the French Resistance.

Operation Wolfsburg - FPS about stopping Nazis from doing... something.

Outlast - Nazi scientist research is part of the game’s backstory.

Partisan - Action RPG set during WW2.

Pathways into Darkness - FPS featuring Nazi ghosts.

Pearl Harbor: Attack! Attack! - Alternative history where you shoot down the Japanese planes and prevent the Pearl Harbor bombing.

Persona 2: Innocent Sin - Features Hitler as an antagonist who is actually an eldritch horror in disguise.

Pilot Down: Behind Enemy Lines - Stealth game about a pilot trying to escape to Switzerland

Police Quest IV: Open Season - Something about interrogating a very old Nazi.

Project: Weltuntergang - Mod for Wolfenstein 3D

Raiders of the Lost Ark - It’s Indiana Jones.

The Reckoning - Mod for Mount and Blade: Warband which features a Neo-Nazi faction.

Redcon - You play as an officer in an alternative history fascist future.

Red Shark Franchise - Flight sim involving a time travelling helicopter.

Relic Of War - Strategy game where WW2 didn’t end.

Ring of Red - Alternative history with mecha in WW2.

Rescue Raiders - Helicopter game involving time travel.

Rocket Ranger - Game involving time travel and a Nazi moon base.

The Saboteur - GTA clone set in occupied France.

Secrets of the Vatican: The Holy Lance - Hidden Object Game about trying to get the Lance of Longin (the spear which pierced Jesus’ side during the crucifixion) before the Nazis find it.

Signatory: Chouinsha - I can’t find anything about this old Japanese game but it has Hitler on the front cover.

Spear Resurrection & Spear End of Destiny - Fan made sequels to a Wolfenstein game

A Stroke of Fate: Operation Valkyrie - Adventure game with a German protagonist in the SS and Gestapo who sets out to assassinate Hitler.

The Simpsons Game - Features a level set inside a WW2 shooter.

Soldier of Fortune - FPS where the enemy is a Neo-Nazi Group who have stolen nuclear weapons.,

Southpark: The Stick of Truth - Features Zombie Nazi aborted foetuses, because of course it does.

Super Mario World Dark Horizon - A Super Mario fan game featuring a Super Saiyan Hitler.

Stalag 1 - POW Camp simulator

Stuart Smith's Adventure Construction Set - This early RPG creation kit features a Nazi castle as part of its included settings.

Time Gentlemen, Please! - Involves time travel and alternative history with Hitler and robot dinosaurs.

Titanic: Adventure Out of Time - Point and Click about a retired spy dying in the Blitz travelling back in time to redo a failed mission on the Titanic which will stop WW2 from happening, or something.

The Train: Escape to Normandy - Train simulator about trying to prevent Nazis from getting French paintings.

Turning Point: Fall of Liberty - Alternative History where Nazis invade New York.

ÜberSoldier Franchise aka Crimes of War - About a German soldier who gets super powers and then recruited by the Resistance to fight against Nazis.

Uncharted 1 - Features a U-Boat full of dead Nazis.

Uncharted 2 - Brief references to Hitler.

Undercover: Operation Wintersun - Point and Click adventure set during WW2.

Velvet Assassin - Loosely based on a real British spy. No swastikas because it was made by a German company.

Vogelstein 2D - Top down shooter inspired by Wolfenstein

Walker - Side scrolling WW2 shooter with a walking tank.

War Front: Turning Point - Alternative history RTS where Hitler was assassinated and the Germany and Allied power joined forces to fight against Russia.

Weird Wars: The Unknown Episode of World War II aka Weird Wars: Operation Pantherauge - Polish Isometric RPG involving Nazis and a mystical weapon.

Wolfenstein Franchise -Various reboots turned the series into Alternate History, Jewish-American Protagonist.

Wolfram - Remake of Wolfenstein 3D

Wolfschanze 1 & 2 - FPS inspired by the real life attempted assassination of Hitler by Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg.

World War II: Prisoner of War - Stealth game about escaping a POW camp.

Zombie Army Trilogy aka Sniper Elite: Nazi Zombie Army Franchise

Nazi/Fascist Imagery/Fascist Empires:

Absolute Obedience - This yaoi game is set in Germany and uses a lot of fascist militaristic imagery (also rape) but the exact historical period is unclear (it has the Berlin wall in it, for example,) and is visually all over the place.

Akatsuki Blitzkampf - Japanese Dōjin fighter which uses a lot of fascist militaristic imagery and is clearly inspired by the Axis and Allies of WW2.

Battalion Wars - The Xylvanians are based on the WW1 era German Empire rather than Nazi Germany.

Bioshock Infinite - Despite being set in 1912 Columbia is influenced directly by Nazi Germany in-game because of the time tears. Massively fascist racist society.

Bloodrayne 2 - Set in “modern times” but features a flashback with Nazi imagery and occasional triskelion imagery.

Borderlands Franchise - Handsome Jack is often referred to as a fascist in game, he kills people for no reason, has a massive ego, has huge statues build glorifying him, and wants to kill everyone on Pandora who doesn’t work for him because he has decided they are “savages”.

Bully aka Canis Canem Edit - During the Halloween section Gary’s costume is clearly a Nazi Officer uniform, but without any insignia

Civilization: Beyond Earth - The purity affinity is about glorifying humanity and destroying anything that doesn’t conform.

The Darkness - Apparently features Nazi imagery in a bonus comic which came with the game.

Einhänder - What’s left of the world is run by a German-speaking evil Empire.

Fallout 2 - The Enclave wanted to exterminate everyone who wasn’t part of them, though the later games made them a bit less extreme.

Fallout: New Vegas - Caesar’s Legion attempts to emulate the Roman Empire, complete with hating women, and crucifying all their enemies.

Fallout 4 - The Brotherhood of Steel in this instalment is obsessed with “purity” associated with not being irradiated.

Final Fantasy 2/II - The Empire of Palamecia.

Final Fantasy 6/VI - The Gestahlian Empire is definitely a fascist regime and the Emperor even uses a Nazi salute in game.

Final Fantasy 12/XII - The Archadian Empire.

Final Fantasy 15/XV - The Empire of Niflheim

Final Fantasy Type-0 - The Milites.

The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim - Both the Thalmor and the Stormcloak factions are really into the “racial superiority” of the Altemer and Nords respectively.

Half-Life 2 - The Combine.

Killzone Fracnhise - The Hellghast are obviously based on a mixture of Nazi and Stalinist sources.

Lusternia - This MUD has a fascist empire called the Empire of Magnagora.

Maken X - Apparently the Japanese features Nazi imagery but was censored for American release (not sure if this was deliberate or not in context, given the use of the manji symbol in Japanese culture and religion, but the game also apparently features a boss fight against the Pope, so maybe it was).

Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy - The Movement brainwashes people and has a uniform with red arm bands and jackboots.

Resident Evil Franchise - Almost every antagonist movement in the series has some element of fascism to it, from wanting to “improve” humanity through genetic therapy, to killing off everyone who is not “worthy”, to experimenting bioweapons on African villagers.

Starcraft Franchise - The UPL & UED are into genetic “purity”and purging humanity of “undesirables”.

Star Wars - Any game which features the Sith Empire, but especially The Old Republic MMO.

Tales of Symphonia - The half-elven Desians round up humans and put them in camps for being “inferior”.

Team Fortress - The design of the Medic evokes a Nazi doctor, especially since he has a German accent and refers to himself as “ze ubermensch”.

Tropico Franchise - The Nationalist faction hates foreigners, and in Tropico 4 their leader is depicted as a skinhead.

Under Defeat - Nazi inspired uniforms.

Valkyria Chronicles - Has an evil empire which is a mashup of Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union.

Special Mentions and Exceptions:

Assassin’s Creed Franchise - In the lore Hitler was apparently a Templar with a piece of the Apple of Eden, but I’m not sure which game(s) contain Nazi imagery, if any, so needs more research.

Bazooka Bill - Is set during WW2 but all the enemies appear to be ninjas instead of German officers.

LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures - Unlike the films it’s based on, and most of the licensed games, the LEGO game contains no references to Nazis or Nazi imagery. Characters who were Nazis in the originals are referred to as “Enemies” in game instead.

Mass Effect - The Cerberus group is a “humans first” organisation in their first appearance but their portrayal over the three games is inconsistent.

The Secrets of Atlantis: The Sacred Legacy - Set in 1937 but omits direct references to Nazis and swastikas even though the Hindenburg is a location.

[junker-town]

2017-2018 MLB free agent rankings

Which players are the class of the offseason? This ranking is empirically correct, so we’ll do the thinking for you.

It’s that time of year again, when the stupid awards are over, and the hot stove is getting hotter. Mmm, so hot. This might be the best part of the offseason, and the only thing you have to do is forget just how wretched most of this free agent class is.

Well, maybe that’s too harsh. There are useful players to be found in the 2017-2018 MLB free agent bonanza this offseason. Some of the players who don’t make this top-40 list will play a significant role for a team next year, and they’ll be regarded as the steals of the winter. There just aren’t a lot of premium players. If your team is looking to slap the offseason upside the head with an oar, there just aren’t that many options.

This is a trip to the hardware store, then. There are no rides. There are no cotton candy machines. There are clamps. Mostly clamps. Maybe a few wood screws.

Okay, maybe there are a couple of cotton candy machines. Like ...

1. Shohei Ohtani - RHP, 1B, RF, DH, QB, PF, G

The most perfect free agent possible, really. He can hit, he can pitch, and he isn’t going to cost your favorite team more than Joe Smith. That’s not a figure of speech. He’ll be less expensive than the actual Joe Smith.

He just needs to choose your favorite team. His reasoning might have to do with his future contract. It might have to do with a need for privacy. It might have to do for a desire for the spotlight. It might be based entirely on FiveThirtyEight’s burrito rankings (please, oh please).

There are still some bureaucratic hurdles with the posting system, specifically some rollbacks that would allow Ohtani’s old team, the Nippon Ham Fighters, to make more money for parting with their young superstar, but he’s almost certainly coming over. And he’s easily the best free agent of this class, if not his generation.

2. J.D. Martinez - OF

He’s been really, really good for four years now. The slugging percentage and general power output were absurd last year, but he’s always had a tantalizing combination of power and bat control — the answer to what would happen if Chris Davis could hit .300.

His defense ranges from iffy to incredibly iffy, regardless of what Scott Boras will have you believe, so there are risks with a five- or six-year deal. This is the best hitter on the market, though, and that was probably true before he ascended into the ionosphere with the Diamondbacks.

3. Yu Darvish - SP

The best starter on the market, as expected. Just, uh, ignore the part where he probably single-handedly cost his last team the World Series. It was a blip! Weird things happen when you mix slick balls with small samples. That goes without saying.

Because it’s 2017, not 1987, I’m pretty sure that teams will pay Darvish for the 135 games he pitched before the World Series, not the last two games he pitched. While his track record is inconsistent (just 200 IP in one season, and an ERA that’s gone up in each of the last four seasons), he’s still near the top of any rotation in baseball.

4. Jake Arrieta - SP

For four straight seasons, Arrieta was one of the hardest pitchers to hit in baseball. He led the NL in hits-per-nine in both 2015 and 2016, showing off a repeatable skill that’s hard to find and harder to maintain.

His velocity is down two ticks, though, so I’m going to believe that the bump in hits allowed last season has to do with hitters having extra milliseconds to make better contact. If you’re paying for Arrieta, pay for what he did last year, and then expect it to get slowly worse. That is a fine addition to any major league roster. If you’re paying for what he did in the seasons before that, good luck.

5. Eric Hosmer - 1B

He’s a fine first baseman. Stays healthy, can take a walk. There are some defensive metrics that hate him, but he passes the eyeball test. The good news about him is that he’s just 28, which is relatively young for a free agent.

He’s basically J.T. Snow, though. I lived through the career of J.T. Snow. There were some fine moments, and I will remember him fondly. But I wouldn’t remember him quite as fondly if he made the late-’90s equivalent of what Hosmer might get in this market, which is upward of $100 million. You enjoy players like Hosmer when he has a good team around him. You enjoy them less when they’re your free agent centerpiece.

6. Mike Moustakas - 3B

The sixth-best free agent? We’ve reached something of a tipping point, and I just started.

Moustakas’s career on-base percentage is .305. His glove is pretty okay. If you’re going to start there, you’re going to need the player to hit 38 home runs to have a ton of value. Luckily for him (and Boras), that’s exactly what happened, so there will be a team that will overpay.

This is exactly the kind of free agent that most teams should avoid, though. In his best-case scenario, last year, he walloped nearly 40 dingers and was still worth roughly two wins above replacement. What happens when the baseballs go back to normal? What happens when his fast-twitch reflexes fade, and he needs to swing at better pitches? I can see this one getting ugly fast, so the team that gets him had better be in ultra-win-now mode and have the money to brush financial mistakes off easily after a couple years of solid production.

He’s the Eric Hosmer of third basemen, really.

7. Lorenzo Cain - CF

Probably a better player than either of the other two Royals, but I would trust the power and patience to age better for the previous two when compared to Cain’s speed-and-defense combo.

For next year and maybe 2019, give me Cain, though. His 2017 season wasn’t much different than the year he had in 2015, when he finished third in the AL MVP voting, after all. I might come back in an hour and put him ahead of his former teammates.

8. Lance Lynn - SP

Healthy and able to make every start last year, Lynn is a fine choice for a team wanting to bolster their rotation while also planning to recreate the Dodgers’ 2017 postseason strategy. For the first two times through the order, Lynn is a solid fastball monster with the ability to miss bats. He used to keep the ball in the park, too, but he was hit as hard by the juiced baseballs as anyone.

If you believe that the home runs were a blip? Give him money. He’ll be cheaper than Arrieta and roughly as valuable. If you think that the home runs are here to stay? Be wary of that 4.82 FIP he posted last year, which makes his modest 3.43 ERA seem incredibly lucky.

9. Carlos Santana - 1B

That’s seven straight seasons with at least 18 homers and 600 plate appearances or more, which seems like something most teams can use, and that’s before you get to him being a switch-hitter with a .365 career on-base percentage.

He’s 32, though, and limited to first base or DH, if you ignore those bizarre attempts to put him at third or the outfield. Still, it would make sense to pay him half as much as Hosmer, considering he’s had the typical good Hosmer season in seven out of the last eight years.

10. Alex Cobb - RHP

The American League Lance Lynn, right down to the Tommy John surgery. Like Lynn, I’d rather pay Cobb for three years than most of these pitchers for five, but there’s also a chance that teams will pay all of these guys for five years, so I don’t know.

While it’s a shame that Cobb blew out as arm right as he looked like one of the brightest young starters in the league, he at least timed his rebound well. He allowed twice as many homers as he did in his last full healthy season, but so did everyone else, really.

11. Wade Davis - RP

If you’re looking for a dominant closer to ape what Andrew Miller and Kenley Jansen have done in recent postseasons, don’t look at Davis. Just ask the Cubs. This isn’t a knock on Davis, who gave the Cubs nearly everything they should have expected, but just a reminder that not every closer is built to hit the month of wildly intense bonus baseball and throw twice as often for twice as long.

Davis is a fine closer. Brilliant at times if you let him pitch just one inning. Expect that, and you’ll be satisfied.

12. Greg Holland, RP

Not to be cynical or rude, but when a pitcher coming back from Tommy John has the first-half/second-half splits that Holland did, you should be very, very, very, very skeptical about giving him tens of millions. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him go for another one-year deal, really. There are innocent explanations for his second-half decline (general fatigue that is unlikely to carry over into 2018), and I’d prefer to believe those.

What if that pitcher from the first half isn’t coming back, though? It has to be a consideration, at least.

13. Zack Cozart, SS

I laughed at the idea that Daniel Murphy was somehow Rod Carew now. Now Daniel Murphy laughs at me. I’ve already apologized, but he keeps laughing, and it makes me feel worse.

Cozart might be a similar story. He’s always been one of the more underrated defenders in baseball, and prior to this season, he started hitting just enough to take seriously. No one expected him to put up a 933 OPS when he was 31, though. That’s just silly.

He’ll either be the best bargain on the market when he continues to hit like this, or he’ll be overpaid based on his potential to do that.

14. Todd Frazier, 3B

He’s averaged 33 home runs over the last four years, and the only thing keeping him this far below Moustakas is his age. Otherwise, they’re very similar players, with the main difference being that Frazier has done this a lot more often.

15. Logan Morrison, 1B

He went from someone who was practically guaranteed to be a non-roster invitee into a proven commodity. Morrison hit 38 homers in 601 plate appearances, which is about 1,000 plate appearances sooner than it usually takes him to hit that many. He’ll be 30, and his defense has never been exciting, but it would make sense for a lefty-friendly team like the Yankees or Red Sox to stop here first before committing $130 million on Eric Hosmer.

I wasn’t expecting this entire ranking to be a referendum on how much I’m going to hate the Hosmer and Moustakas contracts, but here we are.

16. Neil Walker, 2B

Surprisingly good! Year after year! I almost left him off the list entirely, but he kept sneaking up. He’s remarkably consistent, too, putting up an OPS between 750 and 810 every single freaking season, with competent-to-okay defense and double-digit home runs.

Walker has missed more than 50 games in each of the last two seasons, though, so it’s not all good news. Still, for the rare teams that are looking for a second baseman, they could (and probably will) do far worse than a reasonable contract here.

17. Tony Watson, RP

I had him ranked way too low, which means that I have to manually go back and change the numbers of everyone below him, and I’m mad at him right now. Still, he’s been a consistent left-handed presence in the late innings for years, and he’s the class of the late-inning lefties.

Watson was miscast as a closer, but he’s also miscast as a LOOGY, holding right-handed hitters to a sub-.300 OBP over his career.

18. Mike Minor, RP

What a fantastic renaissance season from a pitcher who hadn’t thrown a pitch since 2014. Durability has to be a concern, but Minor was death on lefties and hard on righties. There will be a lot of teams who think his durability concerns might be a feature, not a bug, if they can get him on a shorter contract because of them.

19. Brandon Morrow, RP

What a fantastic renaissance season from a pitcher who hadn’t thrown a full season since 2012. Durability has to be a concern, but Morrow was death on lefties and hard on righties. There will be a lot of teams who think his durability concerns might be a feature, not a bug, if they can get him on a shorter contract because of them.

(And I wouldn’t think that Morrow’s heavy use in the 2017 postseason will hurt his value that much. He looked outstanding for most of October.)

20. Anthony Swarzak, RP

I started this gig in 2011, and I’d like to think that I’ve written about just about every player since then. But this might be the first time I’ve ever written the name “Anthony Swarzak.” He was the most forgettable pitcher in baseball, every single year. There’s a plaque that goes with that, but they keep forgetting to send it to him.

Swarzak found his strikeout pitch, though. He actually found it in 2015, but this is the year he put it all together. You might disagree and prefer some of the relievers below him on this list, but I’m bullish on this newfound control-minded whiff monster. He’ll help build the copycat bullpen that one of these division winners is going to spend on.

21. CC Sabathia, SP

Still got it. He’s 37 and doesn’t like to run off the mound if he can help it, but he’s had two valuable seasons in a row, and he’s not likely to need a multi-year deal. The Yankees would be lucky to get him back, but there have to be a lot of teams interested in his 150-160 innings of generally solid pitching.

22. Tyler Chatwood, SP

His career ERA is 4.31, which is Pretty Okay. His FIP is 4.58, which suggests that he’s been helped by the brilliant Rockies infields of recent vintage. But his ERA+ is 105, which reminds you that, oh, yeah, Coors Field still exists.

Chatwood hasn’t thrown more than 158 innings in his career, and durability is a concern even more than it is with Lynn and Cobb. But how good can he be when he’s out of Coors? Maybe the walk rate will drop when he’s not worried about every single pop fly drifting out of right-center.

23. Jay Bruce, OF

Over the last four years, Bruce has put up a .237/.303/.457 line, and it’s not like is defense is anything other than passable, at best. He’ll be 31 next year. Please tell me that you see the red flags, too.

And yet he’ll get something like $40 million. He is a left-handed Ryan Ludwick, and there’s going to be a team that stumbles into the viper pit. Compare his numbers with Lucas Duda, then write a letter to your team! This isn’t 1983, and 36 homers aren’t what they used to be. He’s a good guy, lovely in the clubhouse, but his replacement-level play from 2014 through 2016 should really make teams think harder.

Dinger fever has no cure, though. I can respect that.

24. Pat Neshek, RP

He’s still something of a ROOGY, but those concerns are overstated. He can still face a lefty if you need him to, and he’s been quietly excellent for years now. Your bullpen can use more funk. All of them can.

25. Jake McGee, RP

He has a longer track record than Minor, but I’m not immune to recency bias, and even though he was better in 2017 than the previous year, he still never came close to his Rays peak with the Rockies.

On the other hand, he was on the Rockies, which seems tough. Take a moment to go back and remember just how dominant he was in his last two seasons with the Rays, and adjust him accordingly.

26. Addison Reed, RP

He would rank much higher, but he gave up 11 dingers. That is far, far too many for a late-inning reliever. Teams don’t need that kind of heartbreak, even if it’s cut with some excellent pitching in the interim.

Plus, he gets a Gin Blossoms song stuck in my head every time, and I will never forgive him for that.

27. Brandon Kintzler, RP

Ah, we’re deep into the funky relievers now. Brad Ziegler proved that funky can work for right-handed relievers for several years at a time, so don’t mind the below-average strikeout rate too much.

Mind it a little, though. And hope that your team has the right kind of defense if they spend money on Kintzler.

28. Steve Cishek, RP

Funky relievers! I would love to see a team swoop in and grab Neshek, Kintzler, and Cishek at the same time and build the entire bullpen out of funk. Just scour the Earth for all the sheks and kintzes, really.

Take the Neshek capsule and adjust downward for reliability, and you have Cishek, who would be a quality addition to most bullpens.

29. Jhoulys Chacin, SP

Ah, yes, the fourth-most valuable starting pitcher in free agency according to Baseball-Reference’s WAR (tied with Lance Lynn), so look here if you want a bargain. Don’t ask who no. 1 or 2 are. You’ll get to them soon enough.

Even if that seems a little unrealistic when it comes to what to expect from Chacin next year, it’s worth noting that he did have a solid year for the Padres, and it’s not like he’s without excellent stuff. He’s been a pick to break out since his outstanding year for the Rockies in 2013, and that’s only if you considered his 6 WAR season back then something that wasn’t a breakout season.

He’s probably a one-year bargain for someone.

30. Jonathan Lucroy, C

He was briefly one of the most valuable players in baseball, and while the Brewers cashed in on that value both on and off the field, Lucroy is stuck in the land of short-term deals. He could have been a $100 million player with better timing, which seems unfair when you think about some of the players on this list who will get serious money.

Considering his play in Colorado (.310/.429/.437 in 175 PA), I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s invited back. Even though he isn’t an All-Star anymore, he’s still better than most of his peers. That should count for something.

31. Welington Castillo, C

I still find it amusing that the Mariners — who have averaged a .100/.101/.102 line from their catchers over the last decade — had Castillo for two weeks before catapulting him into the desert. He can hit quite a bit for a catcher, and that’s something that will intrigue a dozen teams or two.

He’s not much of a framer or defender, though, so don’t expect the full package. But as an à la carte deal, it’s a pretty good one.

32. Carlos Gomez, OF

This should have been the year that Gomez got his nine-figure payday, but it’s like A. Bartlett Giamatti said, “The Milwaukee Brewers will suck the life force out of you and everybody you love.” Look it up.

Anyway, Gomez is a reasonable defender in center, and he looks a lot better offensively if you pretend that he’s a random player who wasn’t supposed to do much instead of an indie-label Yasiel Puig who used to do everything. It’s all about managing expectations.

33. Andrew Cashner, SP

Here is the top free agent starter by Baseball-Reference’s WAR!

...

Please clap.

...

Okay, I don’t get it either, but Cashner turned into Kirk Rueter with worse command, and it worked? I’ve stared at his Baseball-Reference page for an hour now, and I’m not closer to understanding it than I was at the start. Please appreciate this list of right-handed pitchers with low strikeouts, high walks, and above-average run prevention. Jason Marquis! Miguel Batista! Albie Lopez!

And this tall dude who throws in the mid--90s and could always strike people out before. I know he mixed in a cutter, so it’s possible that the Rangers found the secret to success. I would trust the FIP more than the ERA here, though.

34. Jason Vargas, SP

Here is the second-best free agent starter by Baseball-Reference’s WAR (tied with Yu Darvish)! Led the American League in wins and didn’t get a single Cy Young vote. Shameful.

Unlike Cashner, Vargas had his unlikely success in a very on-brand way, though. He was just 50 percent more vargasy. On a short-term deal, he’s similar to R.A. Dickey and Bartolo Colon last year, and he’ll probably work out as well as one of them.

35. Miles Mikolas, SP

Wild card! He’s following the Colby Lewis path, right down to the part where some poor overworked coach in Japan had to rebuild him from scratch and undo whatever in the hell the Rangers did to screw him up in the first place.

No, I know that’s not fair. But it is amusing to me. Mikolas turned into a bat-missing talent in a league that is known for appreciating the art of contact, and he did it while keeping his walk rate microscopic (2.25 ERA in 188 IP, with 187 K and 23 BB). Lewis’s success in his return to MLB probably made Mikolas an extra couple million. What kind of gift basket do you send over for that?

I would like to order a $25,000 gift basket, please. Yes, yes. Right. Yeah, at least 30 pistachios.

36. Lucas Duda, 1B

Assignment: Write what he’s done each year (four seasons total) on a separate piece of paper. Do the same for Jay Bruce. Put them into a hat, and draw them out. Pretend this is the new career sequence for both of them. Is Bruce going to get $50 million with this new, reordered career? Is Duda going to have to settle for a one-year deal?

The difference, of course, is that one can play the outfield and the other can’t. But as hitters, the only difference is timing. Bruce has it. Duda does not. Do not. Duda do not. Dudon’t. I’m still workshopping this.

37. Carlos Gonzalez, OF

Perhaps my favorite Carlos Gonzalez fun fact is that he’s only 32. It feels like he’s the same age as Matt Holliday instead of the prospect who was traded for Matt Holliday, but he’s actually the same age as Adam Jones.

Keep that in mind, then remember that he had a 114 OPS+ and played in 150 games or more in the previous two seasons. He was good as recently as 2016, and he’s only 32. Don’t just look at his home/road splits and call it a day, because the effects of Coors Field aren’t as simple as that. Accept his warts (platooning is a must) and see if he’s that rare combination of a name-brand player and a short-term bargain.

38. Bryan Shaw, RP

He’s far more boring than all of the other right-handed relievers on this list, but he might be better. More consistent, at least. He looks like a pitcher who was on the original Rays roster and just keeps plugging away, year after year. He’s led the league in appearances in three out of the last four years, which is either a red flag or something that goes on the brochure.

Shaw had the highest ERA of his career, while having the lowest FIP. That’s more than a little odd, but it’s because he allowed a career high in runs while preventing home runs better than he has since 2013. He’ll be just 30, so unless the mileage worries you, he might offer more cost certainly than some of the relievers ranked much higher.

39. Jarrod Dyson, OF

He won’t hit. His career OBP is .325, and it was .324 this year. He’s 33, so that’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

But he can run, and maaaaaan, can he field. He won’t get a long-term deal, which should probably make him more attractive to everyone. Who can use a lefty-hitting fourth outfielder who can field like a Gold Glover and steal bases when he needs to? Everyone. Everyone can.

40. Yonder Alonso, 1B

Pay for the 774 OPS from the second half. Secretly hope for the 866 OPS on the season. Alonso will be 31 next year, and considering this is the first time he reached double digits in home runs — even Omar Vizquel did that once! — it’s okay to be skeptical.

Ask yourself, though, if you would rather have Alonso and an extra $100 million to spend, or if you’d rather have Hosmer. I know which one I would choose. Promise to come back here in a year and laugh at me if I’m wrong?

Look at the list from last year. Such bad takes all over the place. I’ll stand by the last ranking, though:

40. Edinson Volquez or Seth Smith or Joaquin Benoit or Sergio Romo or Mark Reynolds or Brandon Moss or Santiago Casilla or David Hernandez or Jason Grilli or Fernando Rodney or Adam Lind or Rajai Davis or Angel Pagan or Jon Jay or Pedro Alvarez or Mitch Moreland or Aaron Hill or Logan Morrison or Jon Niese or ...

Seems like a jumble of uninspiring names, except you know one of those players up there will have an exceptional year on the cheap ...

The answer was Logan Morrison. Logan Morrison. Someone not on this list will do the same next year. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse that we know this.