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lizacstuff · 4 years ago

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SCK/Edser Asks Episode 36 (+37 spec)

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: I really liked parts of SCK this week, but other parts made me want to scream. What did you think?

Same, same. This episode taken as an exercise in just watching Hande and Kerem doing their thing... AMAZING. But... even they can’t save the writing.

I’ll get into detail as I answer asks, but I felt this episode was a bit disjointed and I’m wondering if that is due to some of the alleged rewrites that happened. We know for sure there were rewrites for Bige, for instance I’m guessing that the Serkan/Selin conversation was supposed to be in person and not on the phone and that it might have been watered down due to that. But even prior to that, we know that they delayed shooting for a day and a half and it was said to be because there were rewrites. I’m honestly wondering if they got the scripts and there wasn’t enough Eda and Serkan, and so maybe the producers had the writers go back and try and fix that and maybe that’s why there seemed to be some emotional inconsistencies scene to scene? Who knows, but I got that feeling just like I did with episode 24. Another one with great scenes that didn’t always make sense one after the other.

That being said, lets jump in:

Anonymous said: Just me or did anyone else feel uneasy at how quickly everyone in SCK decided to just forget the last 6 weeks? Eda & Serkan were just so happy to be back together and we got lots of sweet moments but it just felt like something bad was going to happen. Plus did the characters (and the viewers) really go through all this pain just to gloss over it and pretend things were normal again? While I think the Selin pregnancy story will be wrapped up quickly mostly due to Bige’s current situation, I think (and hope) it has brought to light that Eda & Serkan have some work to do before getting married. They love each other but something feels off. The super quick proposal with a random ring just felt so wrong to me. I am still struggling with Serkan’s character and Eda needs some time to process everything that has happened.

Uneasy is a great word to describe how I was feeling. I think that was a huge problem with this episode. It’s almost like as the audience we’re being gaslit. Like they write this huge traumatic, dramatic storyline, they have Serkan go through hell, break Eda’s heart over and over again, they have Selin and Deniz as awful, manipulative people terrorizing the protagonists, but then at the end the narrative is like *handwave* “Nah, you’re crazy, it wasn’t that bad. These people don’t need to talk about anything or heal, no apologizes, no emotional showdowns and the villains don’t need to be punished, we’ll all just move on.”

IT’S UNSETTLING AS A VIEWER. I feel cheated. I invested in this story, watched in week after week, and then they’re not even going to give us a remorseful, devastated Serkan? Everything was glossed over. They gave us some wonderful, sweet Edser scenes (especially visually) but on my first viewing it felt like this weird cloud was hanging over everything and I couldn’t really enjoy them because I kept expecting the narrative to make some sort of meaning out of everything they’d been through, and that did not happen. (notes on my second viewing down below)

The problem is these writers. They seem fine at coming up with melodramatic plots and shocking cliffhangers, but they have no idea how to give the emotional pay off for what they’ve set in motion. When you put your audience through hell, you owe them to really deliver the emotional climax and these writers dropped the ball pretty much in every way they could throughout this story.

The random ring felt very wrong, but I’m sure they didn’t want to go back to the flower for a proposal that wasn’t going to be successful. No need to make it even more cursed than it is. Serkan’s decision to propose while sweet, was way too soon. I think what the writers were going for was having him propose in front of all of their family and friends, because deep down he knows how much he hurt her when he proposed to Selin in front of all of them. There was a hint of that at the wedding when he wanted to make sure everyone knew how he felt. Especially with the imagery of him getting down on one knee. Getting down on one knee signifies loyalty, obedience and respect so I think there was a lot of significant to him laying himself open to her, and symbolically declaring himself subservient to her in front of everyone.

It’s actually very sweet and does a bit of work in the righting of wrongs, but it’s misguided, and I’m glad it failed. Maybe if we hold out, there were be new writers before she next proposes!

Anonymous said: The real crux of SCK is that these writers cannot write for Serkan. They do not understand his character and probably never watched previous episodes. Since episode 29, there almost seems to be an internal battle with the character because he jumps back & forth between almost being old Serkan & then a straight up cold jerk usually directed at Eda. Still felt it in this recent episode, honestly the only thing that seemed to change was having his memory back & being 100% sure that Eda loved him. Maybe Eda turning down the proposal and him confronting Selin about the pregnancy will finally bring him?

You know maybe that will bring him back. I agree with you, I very much doubt these writers have seen all the episodes, it almost seems like they’re writing him from a character description or something.

On the other hand, I could see after being through a plane crash and having a brain injury, amnesia, PTSD and then weeks of brainwashing and manipulation, that Serkan might be different, especially at first as he adjusts to getting his memories back. I don’t know how retrograde amnesia usually works, if it’s just bits and pieces as he learns to access them or a flood, but I’m sure it’s a lot to handle. And I would be FINE with that, if that was the story they were telling. That he’s overwhelmed and hasn’t processed everything yet, that he’s not exactly the same as he was. However... I have zero faith the writers are doing that on purpose or telling this story. They just ain’t that nuanced.

Anonymous said: I am wracking my brain trying to come up with something to justify Serkan asking Selin to stay at the company & not sell her shares. Like how is that acceptable? And he wanted Eda to be happy with just getting an apology from Selin.....nope, still do not get it. We all know that Serkan does not love Selin but he is never willing to make her feel bad about awful decisions & never goes out of his way to humiliate or hurt her. Nope, he tends to save all of that for Eda.

As I was watching, that scene made my blood boil. BOIL.

However, afterwards, I calmed down, and I can think of a few reasons to justify where Serkan’s head was at. First, we don’t know what Serkan exactly remembers, or if he’s just been hyper focused on Eda. He might not have thought a ton about what Selin had done and how they parted when she left the country the first time around.

Second, remember that Serkan does not know what we know. He doesn’t know that Selin has been actively conspiring with Deniz to keep him and Eda apart and working against them every step of the way. He doesn’t know that she sabotaged Eda’s presentation and Art Life, he doesn’t know that the car accident was fake, that her injuries were fake, that she has been stalking him or that she goaded Deniz in to running from signing the marriage thing.

He doesn’t even know all the things she did in the past. He doesn’t know that she leaked that story to the press which caused Eda to faint. And he can’t even be sure she switched the addresses that caused them to miss each other at dinner, though we assume he suspected her.

From what he said to her, he now has processed enough to realize that not all was on the up and up, she was trying to steal their love. Insert herself where she didn’t belong. But as soon as he said that, she started manipulating him again. She instantly turned herself in to the victim and put him on the biggest guilt trip ever. Blah Blah He called her. She was there for him. She loved him. She was trying to build their life together. Blah Blah Blah. All his fault. She’s spent months brainwashing him, that doesn’t wear off in a few hours. Manipulation. Guilt. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I also think they wanted to show him being more than fair to her, so that he wasn’t the asshole in her story and it would be clear that he doesn’t deserve anything she’d done. We saw him tell her that he wants her to be happy, to show that he is a much better person than she is. She’s still trying to ruin his life, when he’s being more than fair and equitable about things. Plus the guilt is not new. He’s felt guilty about Selin since the beginning, because he knew he used Selin as an excuse to keep Eda near during the entire fake engagement period, and it led to her broken engagement with Ferit, that’s why she got away with a lot in the first 20 eps, Serkan's guilt, and she’s still playing on it.

Also, lets remember he did give her that epic take down in 20. Which lets face it, does it get any more hurtful or humiliatingly to have your ex yell in your face that he never loved you and your childhood friend say that your friendship is over? So I don’t entirely agree with you that he’s never done that. He has, it just took him seeing her hurt Eda to get him to act.

You also say that he saves all his hurt and humiliation for Eda, first for most of that he had amnesia and was being brainwashed, so lets take that into account. Second, he also saves ALL his love, trust and admiration for her. And I think that’s part of it, its the dynamics of the relationships. I don’t think Selin and Serkan really ever fought, there was no passion, there was no heat. They seemingly treated the relationship as an extension of a business relationship. Very cold and impersonal. Simply stated he rarely gets upset and angry with Selin, because he just doesn’t care. With Eda their relationship was built on passion. They spark. They argue, they like to argue. And for her, he cares more than he ever knew was possible. Falling in love and learning to be in love is part of the character’s journey on this show

It goes back to that scene in 18, where he came down a little hard on Eda. Maybe it’s not right, but from Serkan’s perspective, how he interact with them is very different because how he feels about them is very different. He said it during that conversation when Eda asked how he can be kind to Selin when she sold the shares, but discard her... and Serkan blurted out because he has never loved Selin. At that point she couldn’t inspire him to anger. But with Eda sometimes all the emotions overflows and erupts.

Anyway, to that scene, yes it pissed me off, but I do think there is a way to justify it. Also I wonder if they watered it down and decided to save some of it since it had to be a phone conversation instead of in-person because of the death of Bige’s father?

That being said, I would have stood up and cheered if Eda said right then and there that it’s her or me. Serkan needed to be shaken out of his stooper and made to realize that they can not have Selin’s toxic presence anywhere near them and he needs to understand how hurt Eda was. I’m hoping he just hadn’t had time to put all the pieces together yet.

Anonymous said:Mar 21 · a day ago 1) i've seen the garage scene has been making its round across the fandom as the #1 example of how "this is not our serkan" because of he was "being cold." what are your thoughts on it? because to me.. they were literally just stress bickering and then made up. eda wasn't offended by anything, so why is the fandom tied in knots over it? isn't this what we wanted from them? for them to bicker and fight but at the end of it just BE together? i guess i saw that scene differently than most people.

I think that’s exactly how that scene was supposed to be taken. IMO it was the writer’s attempt to insert an argument (because Serkan and Eda’s relationship is always going to have arguing, and the audience loves it, so they have to find a way to give us that every so often) to get that dynamic going.

But the problem is the narrative didn’t earn Serkan bickering with her after everything that’s happened. If you take that scene and insert it after they’ve had a heartfelt talk where Serkan has acknowledge how hurt Eda was through everything and we saw real remorse from him, then those scenes are absolutely fine. Well minus the one line where Serkan tried to dismiss her talking about things with, “Didn’t we talk about this yesterday?” That was not great. Serkan has not earned the right to shut down any line of conversation about his amnesiac behavior.

The writers are just so BAD! They trapped them together with nothing to do but talk, this was the perfect opportunity for them to actually go deep and real and to have Eda tell him how hurt she’d been and for Serkan to really show some emotion and let us see that it hurt him that he hurt her. But they didn’t do that.

I went back and rewatched these scenes and I enjoyed them. Hande and Kerem were great. Without the angst of expectation hanging over them, they’re good scenes. As two people under stress from a race-against-the-clock situation, stuck in a garage and arguing about that, and then making up they were fun. It’s just that lack of emotional consistency after everything they’ve been through that is a problem.

I have no idea why the writers didn’t have the big conversation between them. They gave hints of it. We saw Serkan offer an apology while dancing the night before and Eda shut it down. They had some tender moments in his loft, but it wasn’t enough because we really didn’t see that Serkan was hurt by how he hurt Eda. He seemed to realize that he needed to apologize and that she was the hero and that he needed to make things up to her, but the thing that was missing was them really talking about it. And that would have been okay, Eda was exhausted, both physically and emotionally after everything, but then they should have addressed it later in the episode.

Anonymous said: Can we talk about how the side characters actually serviced the main EdSer plot this episode? I loved that Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi were out there trying to catch Deniz, and they still had time for an Aydan/Kemal conversation. That Alex plot did these women a huge disservice.

Yes! I agree the supporting characters were all doing what they should be doing, supporting the A-story. I enjoyed the Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi scenes, glad they were useful!

Plus I was actually touched by how Aydan called Ayfer in her time of need, they’ve actually become real, true friends which is a cool development. I’m looking forward to the Kemal storyline. Dude is way too interested in Serkan... I’m not sure if he’s Serkan’s father or not, but I think he thinks he might be. Loved that Serkan’s spidey-senses were tingling when it came to him and he was on his guard... if only those spidey-senses worked with Selin.

Melo remains queen and Ceren earned a few rights back by getting the legal in order.

However, WTF was that random Piril/Engin storyline with the hospital? For a second there I thought this show was going really DARK.

Anonymous said: Is it weird that the scene with Serkan apologizing to Eda in his apartment and her kind of brushing it off with the comment “you did not do it on purpose” reminded me a lot of Max trying to apologize to Liz after getting his memory back? Like you just knew that the happiness was not going to last for very long. You cannot gloss over all that pain just because the person you missed is back. Although I will say Max was a lot more apologetic than Serkan and did not act like a jerk during the rest of the episode. Feels like even if this Selin baby situation is resolved quickly that Edser still has a lot of work to do before getting married.

Oh interesting comparison, but right, Max lost his memories for about 30 minutes of screen time (vs Serkan’s almost 900) so Max had a lot less time to do damage! I was always left unsatisfied with that memory-loss storyline I think it should have lasted until the next episode, but everything with the timing in S2 RNM was a little off for me.

But to you point about Edser having work to do before marriage, I completely agree. Although, I don’t even think it’s like they need to take a ton of time, they just have to spend some real, uninterrupted time together and talk all this through. There is no need to rush it when they haven’t dealt with any of the trauma. Like a nice two-week vacation would do them a world of good.

Anonymous said: So are we supposed to think that Eda slept by herself on the sofa downstairs after they had sex? Not exactly romantic. Serkan’s character is still coming off very cold to me although it was definitely a lot better than previous episodes.

Not sure what that was, other than maybe (HOPEFULLY) they want to show us Edser’s carnal reunion and that episode wasn’t the place for it? Also, tbh, I assume with shooting schedules they just didn’t want to have yet another location to prep and shoot in, which the bedroom would have been, so Eda on the couch. Though I don’t know why we couldn’t have had both of them waking up on the couch like ep 11.

Anonymous said: The whole scene at Serkan's house at night felt like such a balm to my soul after the past few episodes. Him telling her that she's the hero in their love story and he owes all the happy moments for the rest of their lives to her... whew it had me welling up. I feel like we'll get more of that guilt out of Serkan after this whole new Selin plot is unraveled, but that scene (with the beautiful music) was honestly what I NEEDED after ep 29 onwards.

Oh I’m so glad it worked for you. I enjoyed those scenes, especially on rewatch. On rewatch I could take them for what they were, but while watching the episode as a whole I was so on edge waiting for some sort of emotional conversation or breakthrough, so that was harder to enjoy.

Hande and Kerem were terrific in them as always. I like that Eda suggested they start fresh in a place of their own, and that he immediately agreed. I liked him wanting to dance with her and hold her, and he did say some very nice things, apologizing and saying she was the hero of their story, but the scenes just didn’t go deep enough for where they were the next day with Serkan being a bit flippant at times. These scenes didn’t do enough repair work to warrant his behavior, though I do acknowledge he was under a lot of stress.

Anonymous said: I'm convinced that these writers are here to sabotage the show. There is no other explanation. No offense to Bige but they should've just cut all of her scenes out and have Selin leave the country abruptly. We didn't need Serkan wishing her happiness, wanting her stay at Art life, and arguing with Eda over it. (what the actual fuck?) To have Bige come back to set this week to play out this pregnancy plot is unfortunate - they really could've just ditched it last minute and that makes me so mad.

The writers suck, and I need them to go like I need a giant vat of sangria while watching this show, but they are not here to sabotage the show.

Anonymous said: I've seen some people say that the serkan now is not "our" serkan and serkan from 28.. do you agree with that? Because of COURSE he won't be the same after everything they've had to go through since then.. I think mainly people seem to think that unless he's like on his knees sobbing for Eda's forgiveness, he's not "back" which I don't agree with. Or maybe I'm just personally over the sadness and don't need a huge breakdown scene and would rather just see them move past it.

I’d take the breakdown scene. This is the man who sobbed when he found out his father was responsible for Eda’s parents death. How has he not had been devastated by how badly he treated her? He said some very nice things in the last episode, but hasn’t offered any specific apology or explanations. It’s all been very broad and on the surface.

Seriously, the scene could last only 3-5 minutes and be amazing and not drag down the entire show. The writers insisted on Serkan treating Eda pretty roughly for a LOT of episodes in a row, they owe it to us for him to face that and deal with it. Maybe it will happen when this Selin stuff comes to a head.

Anonymous said: idk if i'm the only one who feels this way, but after 6 WEEKS of no edser, we get an episode full of happy (except the last 10 mins) and somehow people still nitpick the scenes? and im the first one to admit the writers have sucked all through out the memory plot, but im also not gonna just hate scenes automatically bc i hate them? if you're at the point where you can't even enjoy edser in love and together then what's the point watching? maybe i need to get off twitter after watching the ep.

First I do agree with that. Twitter after the episode is a toxic pit of joyless negativity. Also it always has been that way, even after awesome episodes. For whatever reason on that platform, people knee-jerk react to everything and it’s super unpleasant.

As to your point about nitpicking, I agree. It’s very prevalent in fandom. Because maybe you watch something and liked it. There were a few things that weren’t great, but over all, enjoyable. Then you go online and you see people spiraling about things that hadn’t even hit you and you start thinking about them and all of a sudden something that didn’t bother you while watching is now looming large as as a huge flaw in the show.

In a vacuum the Edser scenes were great. Lots of sweet moments, stunning visuals, H/K chemistry on full display, it’s a shame that it was all a bit disjointed while watching the first time through. The writers just can’t seem to do the big moments justice.

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the ending? She can’t really be pregnant can she? At least not with serkans kid. How the hell are they going to solve this if bige probably isn’t in the next ep or more? :(

Well since you sent this we’ve seen the fragman. At this point, my money is on her being really pregnant with Deniz’s child (By the way, before the fragman I wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant, but if she was I was pretty sure it was Deniz) and I still have a ton of hope that Serkan will know it’s not his, because they didn’t sleep together.

If she’s really pregnant and there was any possibility that Serkan could have been the father she would have been throwing it in his face and making a play to keep him. There is no doubt about that. The fact that she was fleeing the country and adamant that she didn’t want Serkan to know? I think it’s because it can’t be his because they never had sex and she doesn’t want him to know she was cheating on him while they were engaged. She couldn’t continue to play the victim card if he finds that out.

Anonymous said: Selin is def not pregnant IMO. But would she have even concocted this plan if there wasn’t a good chance of eda and serkan believing it for a while? So does that mean the writers are going to make it so that Selin and serkan slept together :( would they really go there?

I think if you watch the Eda/Selin scene again you will see that Selin never says that Serkan is the father, she just says she’s leaving and she repeats again and again that she doesn’t want Serkan to know.

As I said above if she’s really pregnant and there was any way to sell it as Sekan’s, then she would tell him right away and keep on keeping on with the guilt and manipulation.

Even if it’s fake, then she’s doing it just to try and throw one last wrench at the relationship. She told Eda not to tell Serkan over and over again. It it’s fake, maybe a Hail Mary hoping Eda will pull the breaks and potentially leave. This woman is desperate to ruin their happiness, she would do anything even if all it does it cause upset and turmoil for a day.

Anonymous said: I keep hoping that they would pull of one of the biggest twists in dizi history and say that these last 7 episodes were a dream. Imagine how epic that would be.

That would be amazing. Let it all be Serkan’s coma dream after the plane crash and he wakes up to Eda at his bedside.

Anonymous said: While I don’t like Eda saying no to the proposal due to believing Selin’s pregnancy story, I was actually happy that the Edser reconciliation was not wrapped up so quickly. I want them back together but had a real problem with Serkan’s attitude for most of the episode. And him allowing Selin to still work at the company and just apologize to Eda like she borrowed her favorite sweater & never returned it....like who is this guy? And being unwilling to take any blame with the Deniz situation? He needs to actually seem remorseful considering everything that Eda went through. I fear the real problem with his character is the writers which means we may never see episode 1-28 Serkan ever again 😭.

I’ve pretty much addressed all this, but, yes, I feel you. I think it’s a good thing that their reconciliation is going to take more work. Let’s hope the writers find some sort of nuance and skill and get it done!

Anonymous said: I wish bad things on those people who came up with the rumors that we were getting new writers 💀Or the ones who keep saying that Selin will be gone in the next episode and we are coming up on #9 with her. I know it's my own fault for getting my hopes up but still lol - they are purposely extending her stay on this show to spite us, no? This is starting to feel like a personal attack 😂

I KNOW! Those damn spoiler people with their snake oil and false promises! LOL. I have believed them more than once (mostly because I wanted to so badly). That Yasin person (who lies more than he tells the truth) still insists there will be new writers. We shall see. I know more than a few hearts broke when we saw the same names wrote ep 37.

Anonymous said: Do you ever think we’ll get our serkan (ep 1-28) back? Even though he recovered his memory he’s acting so different. In the moments when he’s not being super sweet with eda, he’s inexplicably cold or apathetic. Like when they were stuck in the garage, it was hard to believe he just dismissed her when she brought up being hurt by the memory thing. And telling her to shut up when she was worried instead of comforting her? ESP bc he knows she’s claustrophobic. And answering the phone in the end, even though that “efendim... sevgilim” was turned into a comedic bit, the way he just didn’t seem excited to talk to eda at all? Compared to their phone convos in 12(?) and 27. Idk I can’t believe he has the audacity to be 1) annoyed with eda’s lingering frustration 2) in general not be more apologetic 3) so civil towards Selin? Asking her to stay and saying he wants her to be happy? What the ABSOLUTE FUCK?

I get it, but I think you’ll enjoy the show more if you take a deep breath, realize these writers SUCK, and then try and enjoy the Edser scenes individually. They’re actually pretty good that way. It’s like what I said last week, in order to enjoy, emotionally detach yourself from the plot, and view this as an excuse to see Hande and Kerem make their magic together.

Anonymous said: Ugh sheesh of eda doesn’t tell serkan about selins non pregnancy right away and we have to spend a whole episode with both of them hurt and serkan confused idk how I’m going to have patience to watch it through

This came before the fragman, but from the fragman it appears it’s going to take the whole episode, but I thought it looked like it would be watchable. Seems to me Eda is not going to tell Serkan about the pregnancy. Deniz is going to tip Eda that Selin might be up to something. Cue the girls investigating. At the same time maybe Eda tips off Deniz that Selin is pregnant. Deniz confronts Selin asking if he’s the father. Separately Serkan is trying to find out what’s going on, he finds out Selin is pregnant and the trailer is him telling Engin. I think his reaction could very well be because he’s super confused because how can Selin be pregnant when she was engaged to him but they weren’t sleeping together?? Or he’s furious because he thinks Selin told Eda that and he knows it can’t be true (at least that he’s the father). At least we know that Serkan and Eda have a romantic night at some point...

Anonymous said: I feel like the SCK fandom is on pins & needles waiting to find out in the next episode if Selin & Serkan actually slept together during the 3ish months they were together. Like I want Eda to be honest with him about why she turned down the proposal but then it is either a quick “we never slept together so not possible” that ends that storyline or he admits they did and we spiral into figuring out if she really is pregnant/who is the father. But if she decides not to tell him then he has to spend the episode trying to figure out what happened. Worst case scenario is her not telling him, him spending the whole episode trying to find out and then it ends with a reveal that they did sleep together & pregnancy is possible.

I’m still sticking with that they always purposefully showed us them not sleeping in the same place AND these writers have proved they are aware of the whole “Nobody touches you but me” thing. Why, out of everything, with this storyline looming, is that what he remembered if it wasn’t going to come into play?

And honestly, I don’t want to even speculate it could go the other way, so everyone can stop asking me about that. If we have to cross that bridge, we’ll do it when the time comes. As long as there’s hope, that’s where I’m camping.

Anonymous said: damn, people were just joking about it, but selin and deniz really DID get freaky in the woods lol. no wonder the next time she visited the cafe after the trip she was all awkward about it.

She was totally awkward! And she was checking herself out in the mirror, primping, before she saw him. That’s totally when they did the ugly.

I was cracking up today reading all the people on twitter screaming about “HOW? WHEN?” in regards to Selin and Deniz. UM... they had ample opportunity. They were constantly meeting to discuss their nefarious plans. She was always at his coffee shop. That night at the cabin, Selin and Deniz both went away disappointed and angry leaving Eda and Serkan at the shelter, makes sense they would find cold comfort in each other’s arms. She was acting weird in the last couple of episodes like she’d almost given up and like she was disheartened by how into the sabotage Deniz still was. Also they are side characters in the Edser show, we’re not always going to see what they’re doing. (THANK GOODNESS, last thing we need is that burned into our brains!)

#Sen Cal Kapimi #Edser #Sen Çal Kapımı #sckask #sck episode discussion #sck speculation #sck 1x36 #sck 1x37 #asklizac

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embarrassingsmartphonegame · 5 years ago

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Moving In - Nik Ryder x f!MC

Summary: “You know, most people exchange phone numbers before they move in with together.” “Most people also haven’t been brought together by fighting a murderous bag of bones. Also you already have it...” “Wait what?!” Leah moves in with Nik officially after Chapter 5 of Anything. It goes exactly as expected.

Warnings: two people who bicker almost as much as they love each other, some swear words, kissing, mention of trauma and alcohol, overall pretty light-hearted

“How-” Push. “Much-” Push. “Clothing-” Push. “Do you own?!”

Nik liked to think of himself as physically strong (and he would say he had the abs to prove it). But just how can one box of clothes be so heavy? He was huffing and puffing the entire walk from the moving truck and into the Graveyard Shift, especially when they had to go up a flight of stairs to get to his--no, their apartment.

“I own a normal amount of clothes. Maybe you just need to work out more,” Leah teased as she put down her own box effortlessly on the floor of the living room, stopping to stretch her arms over her head. She had to admit her Fae power of super strength came in handy sometimes and she was thankful that she was now able to summon it even when it wasn’t an emergency.

He snorted. “Chasing monsters keeps me plenty fit, thank you very much. But you sure do own a lot of clothes for someone who loses them like you do.”

Her cheeks burned at the memory of their reunion. “I had to prove it was me!”

“That was really your first instinct?!”

“You complaining about that?”

Nik chuckled and pulled her by the waist, nuzzling her neck. “You know I would never, darlin’.”

Leah rolled her eyes and pecked him on the lips. “I come back and agree to be with you and since then it’s been ‘rook’ or ‘babe’ or ‘sugar’ and now ‘darlin’’. Is that why you’re called Nik...because you’re a...nickname type of guy?”

“Shit, rook; was just tryin’ to be romantic here,” Nik groaned as she laughed a little too hard at her own joke. Any exasperation instantly dissipated once he heard her laugh; he missed it the past three months. She kissed him again, enjoying every moment.

“I know. I just love teasing you.”

“Lil’ shit.”

“Ah, another one, Mr. Nic--hey!” Leah shouted out as Nik suddenly wrapped her up in a bear hug, swinging her around. Her shouts soon turned into laughter, and soon the small apartment was filled with the sound of both of them laughing.

Nik finally put her down on the counter with his hands still on her hips. She rested her forehead against his, still in slight disbelief that she was moving in with him. It was only one week before that she crash landed back into his life, and after they talked things out and survived yet another attempt on their lives (he owed her his life...again), she decided to move to New Orleans for good.

The thought of it as their apartment still felt weird to them both; but it was his idea for her to move in with him. Nik remembered giving some half-assed excuse about them being both business and personal partners so it only made sense financially...he ignored that dark voice in his head irrationally sneering at him that if he took his eyes off her for even one second she would disappear again. Leah agreed with his staunch assessment, if only to curb the fear that this was all another weird (but wonderful) dream and she was actually alone in Wyoming. She frowned at the thought of her old life. Nik noticed the pensive look on her face.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

The corner of her right lip quirked upwards without amusement as she shrugged. “Are you sure it’s okay for me to move in? After I’ve been probably the biggest pain in the ass since we met a few months ago?”

“First of all, it was my idea for you to move in; no offense but we’re technically unemployed until a client hires us and I’m in a better position from whoever hired me to protect you,” Nik answered, actually hoping that his honesty wasn’t too offensive. “And second, you’re a pain in the ass...but you’re my pain in the ass and you had your reasons for everything. I love you just the same, okay? So no saying you can’t live here unless you really don’t wanna.”

“I do have student loans to pay off...” Leah grinned. “Gotta love your definition of romance, babe. This pain in the ass loves you too!”

Satisfied and sneaking in one last kiss, the woman jumped off the counter. She tied her hair and rolled her sleeves up. “Now let’s get unpacking!”

After a few hours of them unpacking Leah’s things, bickering, and randomly making out (“We’re never gonna get anything done like this, rook!”), the two Nighthunters stood in their now shared bedroom, about to finish up. Nik took out the last piece of clothing: a very familiar velvet, royal purple dress with a gold body chain to go with it. He held it up to her, brow quirked mischievously.

“Any chance I could see you in this again?”

Leah collapsed the last box and put it in the pile with all the others. Her eyes moved to the dress that cost more than half her wardrobe. “Still can’t believe you picked that one out. If we sneak into Persephone again, maybe...”

“How about on a date? A real one.”

“You asking me out, Ryder?”

“What’s it look like, Mendoza?”

She couldn’t help the silly grin on her face, as if she was suddenly a teenage girl talking to her crush for the first time. “I accept. Would this be technically our first date? Because I don’t know whether to count us running from the Bloodwraith...”

“Yes, a real date, rook. But no promises that monsters won’t try to attack us or anything, sorry,” Nik responded, hanging the dress up in their shared closet space.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She smiled brightly and took a seat on the bed. “We’re really doing this backwards, huh? You know, most people exchange phone numbers before they move in together.”

“Most people also haven’t been brought together by fighting a murderous bag of bones.” Nik turned to her and sheepishly scratched the back of his head. “Also you already have it...”

“Wait what?!”

Nik took a deep breath before speaking again. “First, I wanna say I’m so sorry for this; I shouldn’t have contacted you when it was clear you didn’t wanna talk to me. Katherine offered me your number one night after I asked about you and I wanted to be selfish and take it.”

“So...you called me while I was gone?” Leah asked, her eyebrows coming together in confusion. “But I don’t remember you calling...I mean I had dreams you did a few times, but those weren’t real.”

“Well, one of them wasn’t a dream,” Nik went on. “It was nighttime and you picked up the phone slurrin’ drunk. I remember asking if you were safe, and you said you were home.”

Leah’s cheeks burned and she put her head in her hands. “Oh my God...I really don’t remember anything from that conversation. This is so embarrassing! You must’ve thought I was such an idiot!”

“No, you have nothing to be ashamed of, rook.” Nik cautiously sidled up beside her, resting a hand on the small of her back. “I’m so sorry I didn’t respect your wishes. I’m the wrong one here.”

Leah didn’t pull away, but she also couldn’t look at him. She tried to remember anything from the past three months that didn’t involve alcohol; she could count them all on one hand. “I...I really had a problem. I have a problem. I know that moving and being in a relationship won’t fix everything, but it’s hitting me that I need real help.”

“And I’m with you every step of the way.” He pulled her into a hug, letting her rest her face into his shoulder. “I meant it when I said that I’m with you...”

“To the bitter end,” Leah finished, her voice breaking at the last word. Nik tightened his hold on her, an aching in his chest as he remembered that he once kept that promise; but he never anticipated it to be her bitter end. He closed his eyes and relished in the warmth of her body against his, blocking out the memory of her cold, pale skin and still heart. Eventually he loosened his hold and tilted her chin up to look into her eyes.

“All the ragged parts of me...stitched back together when I’m with you,” he murmured only for her to hear. “I only want the same for you.”

Leah pulled him in for a warm, tender kiss. When they pulled away, a serene smile graced her features; Nik could swear there was something magical about her smile.

“I love you, and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings us,” she said, her voice strong and hopeful. Leah could feel her sunny disposition returning day by day, and it showed.

“I love you too, rook.” Nik pulled her to lie down beside him, their fingers intertwined. “What do you wanna do tonight? No jobs. We can go out or stay in, and I promise no snake tequila for either of us.”

Leah snorted and sprang up. “I say we stay in tonight in our apartment. Takeout?”

“You read my mind.”

“And there’s a reality show I’ve been meaning to catch up on...” Leah was already making her way to the living room while Nik followed. She babbled on about how it was a show where an American and a foreigner have to get married within 90 days for a special visa and that itself is, of course, where the drama begins and this season was especially dramatic and blah, blah, blah. Nik snorted at how invested she was in the show while they looked at food places.

The two Nighthunters spent the entire night snuggled up on their couch, talking and eating and canoodling. Leah sighed in satisfaction as sleep eventually took over them, her head resting on Nik’s chest. She finally felt like her life was going somewhere, and all that mattered was that they were in it together.

================================================

A/N: I hope you like yet another fic of me refusing to let these two go onto the next installment just yet! Okay in reality I’ve been writing the first chapter of that and am almost done but med school got weird and my mental health took a dive and COVID-19 happened and blah, blah, blah. Bonus points if you know exactly what reality show Leah is talking about! Any and all comments are greatly appreciated, and I hope you’re all staying safe and healthy 💗

Permanent tag list: @furiouscloddonutpeanut @inlovewithrebels @mistressofspiesxenia

Nightbound tag list: @saivilo

Anything tag list: @samara-rani @god-save-the-keen @xxdangerouscapri15xx

#nightbound #nik ryder #nik x mc #choices fanfiction #choices #playchoices #choices: stories you play #nik ryder x mc #phoebe writes choices

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bucksbisexual · 4 years ago

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY LAST ONE OF MY OPINION POSTS HERE GOES EP12:

[breathes in]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i’m so fucking happy with this ending

it’s such a good happy ending this is truly what the gays deserve i’m just happiness in physical form rn

i don’t even know where to start but i’ll try to make this as chronological as my brain allows me because my memory do be sucking

i’m gonna put a keep reading because this shit will get loooooong kjshfkf okay let’s do this

so.. we start with PETE EXPOSING NON(T)’S BRAT ASS!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES THATS MY BABY THATS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!

kao’s mom being a fucking badass and telling her BOSS how to do shit. i love her yall I LOVE HERRRRRRRR

also kao’s mom telling kao that she wasn’t the most amazing person ever was so cute because you can see kao’s light bulb turning on sjfkhsgsh please i love them

yes i will say i love x after every single one of these u can’t stop me

from the teaser i thought kao would dashi run run run to pete’s house but thankfully he took a taxi lmao

at least he didn’t run there because he had to run from pete’s house (or may i say, mansion) to the POOL my man is a whole athlete oh my god

KAO YELLING HE LOVES PETE!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLOSED SPACE WITH PEOPLE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK IF THEY HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BABYYYYYYYY

also a beautiful parallel to the scene from ep1 (i noticed there’s a lot of parallels in this episode we stan character development and repeating things just so the viewers can see how consistent the couples are)

the kiss from that scene............... beautiful amazing gorgeous idk many words in english to describe how i felt while watching and how i feel about it

to that i think we cut to sunmork but i don’t remember what happened because of the kiss KJHFKSL SORRY

anygays i rlly like how this whole episode is sun being a clingy bih and mork gay panicking while trying to act like a confident gay when he knows that sun outconfidentgays him i love them lmao

okay after that i think it’s petekao having food with their parents all together and god i looooooove this scene

pete’s dad being the lgbt ally dad all of us lgbt fellas with homo/transphobic dads wish we had will never fail to make me soft i love that man pls be my dad too

also kao’s mom :-(( i love her she respected her son’s decision on not coming out until he was ready even though she already smelled it (reminds me of my mom lmao) and was always there for him even when kao didn’t say anything :-(((((((((((

petekao bickering will never get old i swear i love every time they do because that’s so..... men it makes their characters more real

i know there’s a lot (not that much because i admit this episode was kinda short?? idk maybe it’s just me) between that scene and this one but THE SQUAD EATING ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!! AND THEM TEASING PETEKAO!!!!!! PLEASE I LOVE THEM

pete literally not knowing how to stop the audio and broadcasting live TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY that time when he told kao he loved him through the teddy bear...... peak pete culture

the fact that ppl love them and they have a whole hashtag on twitter makes me soft because usually when someone is famous in bls the fans hate the other part of the couple but in this one??? oh no honey we stan petekao in this household hate is not allowed it’s actually prohibited illegal

okay let me backtrack a bit skjfhsjf

OH YES I FORGOT!!!! manow wanting to talk with mork was so weird when i saw the teaser for the episode but after seeing them talk i was like oooooh okay i understand

sun saying “what’s your girl saying to my boy” is probably one of my favourite lines of this drama KLHSJFLF

rain reading their lips fskjfjsf and when mork said “fuck you rain” HIS FACE SKJFHKSJSLFJ HE WAS SCARED SHITLESS but also the end of this scene was so cute i love these three

i just did a bit of skipping through the episode to try and actual make an order out of this mess and the petekao+parents thing comes now,,,,,, anygaYS

then it’s more teasing between sunmork blah blah

then MORK SPEAKING THE MF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! quoting the actual dialogue “it’s my choice to tell or not tell anyone. i should get to decide”

OUTING SOMEONE ISN’T COOL!!!!!!! IT’S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! NO LGBT PERSON WILL EVER WANT TO BE OUTED!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON’T DO THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rain had good intentions but it doesn’t mean that it was right of him to do so

okay this got serious,, sun going to rain’s bed with not one but Two pillows when barely two people fit in that bed.... oh to be that iconic and carelessly gay

back to petekao because we will never get enough of these two (which is why i’ll probably watch the our skyy episode tomorrow just to cry over these fools)

it’s so weird to see tay being like this after watching him being himself in other things like the live lunch and taynew meal date and other things i’ve randomly watched during this week to retain myself from finishing this series in a night ksfjhsfkshlks

also kao helping pete shave and pete being like do u like my moustache or should i shave it for u my lord SFHKFJ the domesticity and just the feeling of two idiots being in love i love them with my whole heart

kao staying at pete’s house because it’s both of their first days as interns and kao!!!!! he works for pete’s dad!!!!!!! pete’s dad accepted him into his company!!!!!! i love them

also the bickering between those three sjfkhs “hello im pete im from thailand” “that’s all you’ll say today” THAT WAS SO FUNNNY SKJFHSKFHSFJSFL

THE MESSAGE IN THE TEDDY BEAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAO CALLING PETE LOVE PLEASE IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYYY I LOVE THESE FOOLS

okay so the squad eating together is right after this but i already talked about it ksjfhsfh next!!

idk if it’s a big time skip or a small one but guess what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MANOW AND RAIN ARE DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY STRAIGHT BABIES YES I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAA

manow is so pretty and rain is so cute they’re both so lucky my bisexual ass is crying

pete being “angry” at kao being so handsome,,, a mood

but also.. pete being possessive was h*t

there i said it and i don’t regret it

random but i will miss kao’s annoying ass saying “about aboyz” sjfkhsfh

pete being like “i will have to give u more love bites (ffs gmmtv just say hickies we are all at an age where we know what love bites are) so no one flirts with u” and kao being like “bitch try me” sjfhksfj i’m loving bratty kao

also that scene turned into furry kao real quick KJHDKJFSHJF

okay now it’s: mork’s birthday party time!!

rain and manow arrive first and are the cutest couple around because the two main gays haven’t arrived yet (being gay AND punctual? not possible)

sun and rain fighting in the kitchen was peak siblings culture skfhksjf

mork being ready to leave his own birthday party with a stranger who also plays pokemon go just to have a battle................ dumbass bisexual energy

said stranger is eARN FROM 2GETHER!!!!!! FILM IS IN THIS TOO!!!!!!!! first the girl who plays yuri in yyy and now film who plays earn in 2gether is here too??? damn wlw keep winning (also headcanon: theyre dating/seeing each other because LESBIANS periodt)

okay petekao arrive and wont u guess whats their present for mork,,,,,, the mf TEDDY BEAR and kao rlly says that they should use it since theyre so lip sealed lmao

rain and manow literally gave mork a present not for him but for sun im- i love these two

MORK FINALLY SAID YES TO BEING BOYFRIENDS OH MY GOD DUDE U ACTUALLY HAD ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SEC

also sun being a whole koala and being a horny bitch is so funny sfhskfjskl my man has his priorities set

their last scene is so cute :-(( poor rain will have to live with this until he moves out sjfhksjf

oh boi the ending is near hhhhhhh

kao teaching his class an equation that ends up in i < 3 u is the most kao thing i’ve ever seen

also kAO IS BOOKED AND BUSY BABYYYYYYYYYY GET THOSE COINS HONEY

pete being like “u haven’t spent enough time with me lately >:-(” was cute jhkfjs my man is needy of kao and i understand that because have u seen kao? exactly

kao teasing him with not having forgotten the cup this time and pete being his possessive self was.. splendid

every reference to something that happened with non(t) hurts but also i love how they just tease each other because they know that now their relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and that nothing and no one will come between them

the scenes they show during the last last scenes :-((( BOYFIES!!!!!!

and i love how they decided to end the show with them holding hands in public

i would explain why i do but it’s 6:26 am and i’ve been writing this for at least half an hour already and my laptop is heating up a lot and im sweating because it’s hot in here so get down on the floor pipiipipipipipipi

kdjhkdfhs sorry im not sleepy this is just my brain without a filter it’s just gay shit and a big repertoire of songs

god okay that was my opinion on the last episode of dark blue kiss...........

needless to say that i will eat every bit of content related to petekao after this because writing this i already miss them and i can’t wait to watch our skyy tomorrow idk where but i will

i really really REALLY liked this drama and it’s one of the two bl dramas (not counting the untamed) i’ve given a full 10/10 rating on mdl because it’s THAT good

everything about this drama is just.. chef’s kiss i love it i will probably rewatch it when my plan to watch is empty but it’s a pretty long list so.. hopefully i’ll ignore that and just rewatch sjkfhslf

i’ll of course watch kiss and kiss me again just for the petekao, the squad and rain scrumbs because i’m sure that the petekao compilations don’t show everything

but yeah im just.. i love this show it’s been a rlly long time since i started writing this but i’m still happy because it’s so good and truly gave us a good happy ending and i swear i cannot emphasise enough how important good happy endings in lgbt media are!!!!!!!!!!

anygays im hungry and ready to submerge myself in the dbk tags, see u all tomorrow for my our skyy petekao episode version of this,,,,,

till then, stay safe ! bYE

#dark blue kiss #dbk the series #dbk #dbk reaction

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mandeebobandee · 5 years ago

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I said I’d write a post with my experience with mental illness and here it is. I put it off for a while because I wasn’t sure how personal I wanted to get, or if anyone would be interested, but hey. It’s been bouncing around in my head for a long time, and if this helps me or anyone who might come across it, I suppose it’s worth it. I’m going to put a read more here so that this doesn’t kill people’s dashes, since I have a feeling this is going to end up being long and rambly, but...here we go.

I’m not actually sure when my first symptoms showed up. It’s possible that I had some form of mental illness almost as far back as I can remember? I remember being in preschool and having a fear of wetting my pants for an entire day, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get the thought out of my mind. In first grade, I remember being seized by a fear that I would start swearing at the top of my lungs in the middle of class. I didn’t, but it popped into my head, and that felt bad enough. A couple of times in 2nd/3rd grade, I had difficulty falling asleep because I couldn’t stop worrying about trying to get to sleep, and I would keep repeatedly counting out how many hours of sleep I would get if I fell asleep right then, and if it would be ‘enough sleep’.

So yeah. I always was a worrywart, it seems like.

I feel like I should note that I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through 2nd grade. I should also note that I’m fairly certain my experiences with religion shaped some of my first experiences with mental illness. This is not to say anything against anyone who is religious - I respect you and your faith. However, certain things I learned through religion...didn’t exactly help me, with how my mind worked.

In Catholic school, confession is a thing. You go in front of a priest and tell him your sins, and he gives you a way to seek penance for it. Usually repeating a certain prayer a certain number of times, or something along those lines. I dunno, it’s been a LONG time since I’ve actually done it. I’m agnostic now, so I don’t exactly go to church.

The reason I bring this up?

My experiences when I was younger MAY have qualified as mental illness. I’m not 100% certain. What began near the end of 3rd grade? There is NO doubt about that.

It was Good Friday 1998. I was 8, soon to be 9. The reason I brought up my religious background is this - a religion related discussion precipitated my heardfirst dive into obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m pretty sure the comment was relatively harmless in hindsight, my mom making a comment about how Jesus died for our sins or something like that. All I know is that I suddenly found myself besieged by an overwhelming guilt as I thought about everything ‘bad’ I’d done in my life. Saying bad words, sneaking candy when I was 4 years old, all of it kept jumping to the forefront of my mind, and I felt like I had to confess it all to my parents as it came to my mind. I’m not sure how long this lasted...probably only a couple of weeks, honestly, but it wasn’t fun.

Also, the weirdest things became concerns of mine at that point. I had to make certain not to stick my middle finger out too far, or else I was afraid that I’d accidentally flip someone off, which I knew was bad. I didn’t want to say words like ‘wash it’ because...well, the end of the word wash combined with the word it sounded like ‘shit’ and ‘oh no bad word!’.

...I hate to say it, but this was only the beginning.

My mom and I were praying at one point at night when a really bad thought popped into my head. I was terrified, because what if it came true because I thought it while I was praying? And I didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone, because it was so horrible that I didn’t want anyone to know about it.

This continued for much of fourth grade. I was afraid I would hurt my mother. I didn’t actually want to, of course - I recognize now that these were what are known as intrusive thoughts, but there aren’t many nine year olds who know that now, let alone in the late 90s when I was experiencing all of this.

I recall being afraid to even touch knives, if that tells you anything.

I would also pray. By this point I recognized that what I was doing was ‘weird’, so I found ways to hide what I was doing. I would go into a room by myself and go through my routine, or I would do my daily ‘prayer’ in the shower.

...here’s why this was an issue.

I wasn’t just saying a quick prayer. I had an entire script memorized, that had to be said exactly the right way or I’d have to repeat it all over again. And it wasn’t a quick script either. And I often WOULD have to repeat it all over again. I recall at least one point where my parents actually made a comment about how long I spent in the shower, and the water grew cold with how long I spent in there. I didn’t tell them why, because I knew it was weird

That particular phase reached a boiling point one night when I was watching The Lion King. Here, I feel I should note that The Lion King was my favorite movie when I was younger. It came out when I was 5 years old, and I was Simba for Halloween in kindergarten. I had Simba and Nala stuffed animals, a Simba windbreaker with matching pants (yes, windbreaker..it was the 90s, okay?) that I took my school picture in, a Lion King casette tape, Lion King sheets on my bed...

You get the picture.

I bawled my eyes out during that movie, and while yes, I did often cry at certain scenes in that movie, for obvious reasons...this was different. This was almost hysterical crying, and my parents knew there was something wrong. They managed to finally coax me to admit my fears, and that seeing Simba accused of what happened to Mufasa in that movie was...well, it was a little too close for comfort.

Talking to my parents helped. I still had worries, of course, but my next big flare up didn’t happen until 5th grade.

Once again, the thing that set it off should have been something that didn’t affect me. It wouldn’t affect most people.

A girl in my gym class cut her knee on one of those rolly scooters that you’d sit on and roll around on in gym class. Obviously not the greatest thing, but you wouldn’t think it would be something that would set someone off...would you?

Ahahaha. Yeaaaaaaaaah right.

To preface, some of this was due to ignorance on my part. I was 10, I didn’t know the details as to how the disease I was so afraid of was transmitted. I only knew that you could get it from blood, and there was blood on the floor in gym class. So then I started worrying that I might have gotten it on my shoes. Then, that anything my shoes touched could have gotten something on them. Then my clothes. Then...

You, uh, get the picture.

I was afraid that anything I touched would give me AIDS. X_X Again, I KNOW now that it doesn’t work that way. I also know that even with other diseases, those pathogens eventually DIE outside of the body, so you don’t have to worry about your shoes being contaminated with the same virus two weeks later. But, again, I was 10. I actually learned shortly after this the truth of how AIDS is spread.

Anyway, this was one of the points where my OCD was most stereotypical. I washed my hands constantly. Obviously my parents noticed, and they tried to poke and prod into WHY I was doing this. Once again, my shame and fear and recognizing that what I was doing was ‘weird’ led me to hide the truth to some extent. We’d watched Johnny Tremaine in class and my dad mentioned that after he watched that movie he’d been afraid that his hand would get disfigured like one of the characters’ in the movie’s hands did. So I claimed that I feared something similar, and that was why I was washing my hands.

I’m pretty sure, looking back, that he probably didn’t buy that.

6th grade came. My mom had surgery. My best friend had diabetes. Neither of these were their fault, of course, but both I’m fairly certain had an impact on my already anxious mind. I started worrying that I would develop diabetes like my friend had. Now, I was old enough at this point to understand that diabetes wasn’t contagious, so at least I wasn’t worried about contracting it from my friend. I was, however, afraid of contracting other diseases, so...yep, the hand washing continued. We also happened to have this lovely book of illnesses from the 80s that my parents bought with an encyclopedia set way back that I spent way too much time reading. Actually, reading that became one of my compulsions. There was an entry that I would read through every night before I went to bed. The same entry.

My mom wound up in the hospital with chest pains a couple of weeks after surgery. They sent her home with a diagnosis of acid reflux. It was 2 in the morning and they took me to a side room to see if I could get some sleep. I couldn’t. We were learning about the plague of all things and I couldn’t get the idea that plague bacteria could be lurking anywhere in that room out of my head, so...yep. Didn’t get to sleep until they released my mom out of the ER at 6 or 7 in the morning.

I started fearing heart attacks around this point. I would literally feel for my heartbeat several times a day, just to make sure my heart was still beating.

Christmas that year was...stressful. My mom was still recovering from her surgery, there was family drama, my uncle’s girlfriend had a possible diagnosis of TB so everyone was paranoid of being around him because of THAT, my dad’s side of the family insisted on smoking despite the fact that being around smoke made me feel blah...

Still, that was a walk in the park compared to New Years.

We were invited to a neighbor’s New Years Eve party. Everything was fine until I walked in the door.

I still don’t entirely know how to describe the feeling that came over me. 11-year-old me summed it up as ‘I feel like I’m going to pass out’. I tried to continue as if everything was normal. I didn’t want to disrupt the party. The neighbor’s toddler daughter, who liked showing off for the ‘big kid’, wanted to show me a dance or something that she’d learned.

The feeling didn’t go away. I told my mom I wanted to go home, that I still felt like I was going to pass out.

We made it back home. I remember pleading with my mom to take me to the doctor, because I was honestly afraid there was something seriously wrong with me. The feeling eventually abated, but not without my discovering something quite interesting.

Remember that childhood illnesses book? When I read it, I usually stuck to certain communicable diseases that I was concerned about, or things like the diabetes that my best friend struggled with. My mom was looking through the book trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and started reading a definition that stood out to me. I don’t recall what all it said, and we no longer have that book (as it would be over 30 years old at this point). One thing I do recall was that she read something along the lines of ‘feeling like you’re going crazy or dying’.

It was under the heading of ‘panic attack’.

That New Years was the only New Years I can ever recall NOT staying up until or past midnight.

I ended up getting a fever a few days later, and in the midst of my fever, my delirious mind pounced on my fears and kept asking me ‘what if you really do want to hurt somebody?’ I was shaking uncontrollably, not realizing that I had chills and a fever, and ran into my mom’s room sobbing and telling her I thought I was going crazy. She felt my forehead and told me I was burning up.

You can understand why, when it was time to return back to school after Christmas break, I was uneasy as my mom pulled up to the curb to drop me off. I was afraid that I’d get a headache, or that I’d feel like I was going to pass out again, or any of the multiple things that seemed to be wrong with me recently. Of course, I had to pull up my big girl panties and still go to school, but...I started to become afraid to do things, out of fear that they would ‘set me off’, that something like what happened at that New Years Eve party would happen again.

And it did.

Not right away, of course. I didn’t walk into school and have it happen right away. It happened once in gym class. It happened at a school party. It happened when my parents were driving.

It happened twice in one day, at the beginning of 7th grade. To be fair, though, there were special circumstances that day. One instance was precipitated by a mental picture in my head of a plane crashing into our school, if that gives you some idea. Needless to say, even the adults seemed confused and panicky that day, and given how I was already..yeah, it wasn’t any surprise that 9/11 left me particularly frazzled.

The summer between 9th grade and 10th grade was quite possibly the worst. I spent hours doing my various ‘rituals’ that I had to do each day. By this time, I was already getting involved with online fandoms, and every day before I could actually posted what I wanted to on the Harry Potter forum I was on, I had to post certain posts over and over again. By this point, I more than suspected I had OCD.

I actually mentioned it to someone on the board, who pretty much laughed and said. ‘You don’t have it. If you had it, it would be noticeable’.

...like it wasn’t? Did they think I was posting the same thing over and over again for fun? I was doing rituals until 1 and 2 in the morning for pete’s sake.

This was honestly the pattern off and on through high school. 11th grade was particularly awkward, as it began to affect my grades. Certain readings in American Lit would give me ‘weird feelings’, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish the assignments for them for that reason.

The summer between 11th and 12th grade was when things hit a head. I developed a thing for straightening shelves in stores, and my dad was poking fun at me doing it at one point. I love my dad, but he can be particularly harsh when he teases, and by that point I was already in a bad position.

I burst into tears in the middle of Walmart. Not one of my proudest moments.

That said...it gave me the impetus to finally go to my parents about what was wrong. I knew I’d needed therapy for a few years prior to this point, I’d just never worked up the courage to talk to them about it.

The first part of the conversation actually went how I feared. My parents thought it was like the diseases I looked up as a child and would come into their room telling them I feared I’d get it (...ironically, I did that BECAUSE of this disorder, but moving on).

I left the room crying and began to write out my experience year after year, much as I did here (though probably not quite as eloquently...I was 17 at the time, after all). Once my parents read THAT, they finally realized how much this was impacting my life, and agreed to take me to the doctor.

Not only that, but they confessed that they did similar things. Now both of them admit to having OCD to some extent, and it’s pretty darn obvious that much of my family struggles with anxiety and/or OCD...on both sides.

Sad thing is? It took until the millennials (me and my cousin on my dad’s side) and Gen Z (a cousin on my mom’s side) before anyone actually sought help for any of this. X_X

I’m not going to pretend that I went to therapy and things magically got better. Therapy did help. I stopped therapy when I was 19, because my therapist was about to have a baby. I never went back to see her after that, figuring I was doing better at that point.

Of course, the ensuing decade after that was full of ups and downs.

2016 is probably when things began to get extra difficult again. I began to experience tremors. I would get dizzy/have palpitations. My doctor sent me to see a cardiologist and a neurologist.

They ran their tests, determined there was nothing physically wrong with me. The tremors, dizziness, and palpitations were new manifestations of my anxiety. At some point (not 100% sure when), I also gained a diagnosis of GAD.

Last year, I finally began to see a therapist yet again (the 2017-2018 flu season scared me particularly badly, and I still have a paranoia because of it), and started a new medication. Has everything gotten completely better?

No, but it has improved some from where it was prior to that point. I’m still working on it, and I’ll probably be working on it in some way, shape, or form for my entire life.

But hey, at least I can be more open about it now. And I know that I’m not alone, and that makes a huge difference as well <3

#intrusive thoughts #religion #mental illness #anxiety #ocd

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splendidlyimperfect · 5 years ago

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Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Gray faces a truth that he doesn't want to deal with. Sting and Natsu both try to help.

Chapters (12/22): 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

**TW for discussion of abuse/emotional reactions to abuse, suicidal thoughts

-----

being good isn’t always easy

sus·pi·cion | \ sə-ˈspi-shən noun :  a state of mental uneasiness and uncertainty

xi july

“How many times do I have to block these goddamn assholes?”

Lucy tosses her phone down on the table in the break room, and Gray peeks over to see a toll-free number flashing across the screen. He frowns, taking another bite of his sandwich and pulling his legs up under him on the chair.

“Who is it?”

“One of those stupid scams,” Lucy grumbles, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, then grabbing her coffee from the counter. “You’ve won an all-expenses paid vacation, blah, blah.�� She rolls her eyes, then picks up the phone and opens up her call history. “I’ve blocked like... eight different numbers, but they keep finding new ones.”

Gray watches as she taps the number, then scrolls down and clicks ‘block.’

His stomach twists, like the floor’s disappeared from beneath him and he’s in free-fall.

“Anyway,” Lucy says, tucking her phone back in her pocket. “Are you and Joel coming to the barbecue next week?”

The words are just background noise to the sudden jumbled mess in Gray’s mind. A hundred thoughts float through his brain, and he jumps so quickly from surprise to suspicion to disbelief that it’s almost dizzying. Eventually he settles on unease.

“Graaay.” Lucy waves a hand in front of his face and he blinks, shaking his head. “Dude, you’re so out of it lately. You okay?”

“Fine,” he says automatically. “Just tired.”

Would Joel seriously... no. That’s ridiculous.

“How’s your shoulder?” Lucy asks, and Gray forces himself to focus on their conversation.

Continue reading on AO3

“Better,” he says carefully. It seems like an innocent question, but Lucy is sharp. Gray knows that she suspects something, but they’re both good at pretending.

Some days, Gray can almost convince himself that everything is fine. Natsu’s gone – they haven’t talked since that day at the beach, and Gray’s spent the last few months shoving the hurt and longing deep down where he doesn’t have to feel it.

Gray is loyal to Joel. Joel loves him. Joel takes care of him.

“You get the car fixed?” Lucy asks, swirling the dregs of her coffee before draining the cup in one long gulp. The AC rumbles in the background as it kicks into high gear – the summer has been sweltering, and Gray’s already wishing it was September.

He blinks at Lucy’s question, and she frowns at him. “The car,” she repeats. “You got rear-ended? Joel said the bumper was cracked.”

Oh, Gray thinks.

“Yeah,” he lies. “Insurance got figured out.”

The car is just fine. Nobody rear-ended them. Joel had been driving and yelling, and had slammed on the brakes hard enough to lock the seatbelt and bruise Gray’s shoulder. He’d said later that it was because he saw a cat crossing the street.

Gray wants to believe him.

Eventually, Lucy’s break is up and she heads back to the front of the restaurant. As soon as she disappears, Gray pulls his phone from his pocket. The only notification is an e-mail from the grocery store savings program, and he numbly swipes it open and deletes it.

He clicks on his contacts, then scrolls down to Natsu’s name. It’s still there under his old number, and Gray hesitates for just a second before clicking on the three little dots next to it.

773-555-3556 Unblock number

Gray stares at the phone until the words start to blur, and he realizes his hands are shaking and he’s barely breathing.

“No,” he whispers, finger hovering over the message before clicking ‘unblock.’

He quickly goes back and scrolls to Erza’s name, and part of him isn’t surprised to find the same message. He unblocks her as well, then sets his phone down on the table and covers his mouth with both hands.

“He wouldn’t,” he says to nobody. Nothing feels real. He can’t stop shaking. “H-he… no, there’s another explanation.”

There isn’t, part of his mind whispers. He wanted to keep you apart, and it worked.

-----

Over the next few weeks, Gray bounces between so many emotions that he’s left worn out and dizzy. At first, he tries to convince himself that it’s a mistake, that maybe something’s wrong with his phone. Or maybe Natsu and Erza blocked him, and somehow that showed up on his end as well.

The angry part of him knows that none of that makes sense, and desperately wants to confront Joel, to ask him why, to make the accusation and deal with the consequences.

The rest of him is terrified, and as much as Gray tries to keep it hidden, he knows he's failing miserably. Lucy’s on his case almost every day, asking why he’s not eating, or why he looks so sick all the time. He feels bad for being so short with her, but he’s too tired to lie, and he can’t tell her the truth.

“You don’t look so great.”

It’s Tuesday afternoon, so Sting is at the restaurant again. He comes in two or three times a week now and orders the same thing every time – coffee and a slice of pie. Gray’s almost certain that Natsu asked Sting to watch out for him, but Sting’s so likeable and friendly that Gray can’t find it in himself to be upset.

“Gray? You okay?” Sting’s frowning at him and Gray blinks, shaking his head.

“Yeah, it’s... I’ve just been sick,” he says. “I’m fine.” He forces himself to smile as he hands Sting his receipt and fills up his coffee.

“Rogue came down with something last week, too,” Sting says. His police radio crackles and Gray jumps at the sound, quickly trying to play the reaction off as an awkward nod while he backs away from the table.

When he comes back later, Sting is gone, his receipt and a few bills tucked under his coffee mug. Gray grabs it all, frowning when he notices something written on the paper. He quickly finishes clearing off the table, then slips into the bathroom, taking the note out and unfolding it.

If you need help and you can’t tell someone, ask me if I want decaf coffee next time I'm here. I'll know what you mean and do what I can to help. People care about you. ~Sting

Gray sits down heavily on the seat of the toilet, reading and re-reading the note. If he wasn’t so exhausted, he’s sure he would feel something, but all he can do is stare numbly at the words.

Joel cares about me, he thinks, but the thought is fragile – if he tries too hard to believe it, it’ll shatter.

A knock on the door startles him, and he quickly balls up the note, shoving it into the garbage beneath wads of paper towel.

“Gray? You okay?” Lucy sounds concerned, and Gray sighs.

“I’ll be right out, I’m fine,” he says, standing up and staring at his reflection in the mirror. He looks like shit. His hair’s messy and his eyes are red, and he can just see the edge of the bruise on his shoulder with the collar of his shirt open. When he buttons the shirt back up, he notices that his nails are bitten down so far that one of them is bleeding.

“I’m fine,” he whispers again. Maybe if he says it enough times, it’ll eventually be true.

-----

Gray has Natsu’s new phone number memorized. He read it a hundred times before he’d burned Natsu’s note from the night at the bar. Now he types it slowly into his phone, feeling a sense of unease and guilt run through him as he opens up a message window.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He promised Joel, said he wouldn’t talk to Natsu, said he’d be good and listen and do the things that make Joel happy.

But Joel said he wouldn’t hit Gray again, so maybe both of their promises mean nothing.

Gray [16:45] Hey. It’s me.

A response comes less than two minutes later.

Natsu [16:46] hey! ive been thinking about you, im so happy you texted. you doing okay?

Gray curls up further into the corner of the couch and reaches down to pet Bella. He starts to type out a reply and then hesitates. Joel already has access to Gray’s phone – he occasionally flips through Gray’s texts or e-mails while they’re watching movies or while Gray is cooking. But if Gray deletes the messages, Joel will never know.

Gray [16:47] You were right. Your number was blocked in my phone. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.

Almost immediately after sending the message, his phone starts to ring, and Gray jumps at the sound, heart pounding as he hits the ‘decline’ button. If Natsu’s number shows up on the phone bill…

Gray [16:48] Can’t talk on the phone.

Gray [16:48] He’ll find out.

It hurts to type the words, and it’s even harder to press ‘send.’ Writing it is an admission that Gray’s terrified to make, because it means Natsu is right, and Joel is…

Gray shakes his head, setting his phone down in his lap and rubbing his face with both hands. Bella whines and tips her head back, panting at him until he scratches behind her ears.

Natsu [16:49] are you safe?

The words make Gray want to cry, because there’s no good answer. At the moment? Yes. In an hour, when Joel gets home? Who knows. The uncertainty always stretches Gray thin, anxiety spiraling into panic until the door opens and he can see what kind of day Joel’s had.

Gray groans, tipping his head back into the couch cushions and staring at the patterns on the stipple ceiling. He can see the bouquet Joel bought him last week from the corner of his eye, and he tries to bring back the way he felt when Joel came home with flowers and a bottle of wine, apologizing for being grumpy.

Gray’s phone buzzes again and he stares at the message for a while before responding.

Natsu [16:51] gray, im so glad you reached out, but im really scared for you

Gray [16:55] I'm okay right now. He's not home.

Natsu [16:55] would you tell me if you needed help?

Gray [16:58] I’m fine.

Natsu [16:58] but if you werent, you know im here right?

Gray [17:00] You’re three hours away.

Natsu [17:01] then id be there in 3 hours. if you need me, ill be there. i promise, no matter what.

Natsu [17:01] if you need someone sooner than 3 hours, this is sting’s phone # and he can help you before i get there

Natsu [17:01] Shared Contact: Sting Eucliffe (SE)

Gray clicks on the contact and a local phone number comes up, along with an email and an address. It’s not far from where Gray lives. His thumb hovers over the ‘add contact’ button, then he shakes his head and runs the numbers through his head over and over until he has them memorized.

Gray [17:06] Okay. I have to delete this. You can’t text me or call me. I'll text you when I can.

Natsu [17:06] take care of yourself. im always, always here.

Gray [17:07] I know.

Then Gray erases the conversation, and deletes the missed call from Natsu as well. Once the words are gone, he feels hollow. Unreal.

He sets his phone on the coffee table and nudges Bella off his legs, then moves over to the dining room table and stares at the flowers. They’re pink roses, soft and sweet in a way that Joel hasn’t been in years.

Pink like the scar that runs across the palm of Gray’s hand, from a broken plate that Joel had thrown.

A sudden, hot, electric shock of anger runs through Gray, and he slams his hands on the table, biting back a scream of frustration. Everything is tangled up inside him, and he lets out a shaky breath as he tries to figure out how to push it all back down again, where everything is separate and safe.

He wants so badly to blame Natsu. Before the night at the bar, none of it was complicated. When Gray was careful, Joel was happy. Most of the time.

It’s not Natsu’s fault, though. It’s Joel’s, and no matter how much Gray tries to ignore it, the quiet, angry part of him knows it’s true.

Everybody fights, he thinks desperately, digging his fingernails into his palms.

Sure, but they don’t have to lie to the ER about why they need stitches, the angry part of him argues. Or lie to their friends. Or themselves.

“Fuck!" Gray shouts, lashing out and knocking the vase off the table. It falls to the floor and shatters into tiny shards of glass and shredded rose petals.

Gray sinks down to his knees and reaches out slowly, picking up the largest broken piece and inspecting its sharp edges. The anger is gone as quickly as it came, and all that’s left behind is a dull detachment.

At least now he doesn’t have to worry about what kind of mood Joel will be in when he gets home.

#fairy tail #ftlgbtales #ftlgbtfics #ftlgbtpride2019 #day 13 #gratsu #natray #gray x natsu #gray fullbuster #natsu dragneel #update #new chapter #prompt #my fic #abuse #mind the warnings

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awake-and-strange · 5 years ago

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This obituary by Janis Ian about Anne McCaffrey is very A Passion for Friends:

There've been so many mentions of Anne McCaffrey in the post below, I thought to post this homage I wrote for Locus Magazine when Annie died. I miss her, a lot. I kept a few of the most precious books she gave me, but last time I opened one I burst into tears... I feel fortunate to have loved someone so wonderful, to have been loved in return, and to miss her this much. From Locus Magazine: THE MASTERHARPER IS GONE "I have a shIelf of comfort books, which I read when the world closes in on me or something untoward happens." —Anne McCaffrey I miss her fiercely, more than I have any right to miss her. I remind myself of this whenever I run into her at the library and am stricken with tears. She was not kin, was not connected to me by family ties, not even a distant cousin. Not even Jewish. I have no right to miss her this much. And once in a while, when I chide myself for my silly sentimentality, the sudden lightning that pierces my heart gives way to a duller, deeper pain. One I can live with, perhaps. Like today, waking to a terrible cold, with headache and foggy brain I reach for solace. Put on my red flannel comfort shirt, add my favorite PJ bottoms, then a pair of fleece-lined slippers. Make my favorite tea, cover myself with an old patchwork quilt, and reach blindly for a book on my “comfort shelf.” Of course. I can’t escape her. Hours later, still miserable, I finish "All the Weyrs of Pern" for the umpteenth time, and scold myself for the tears that fall – first, because she is gone, and second, because I never really succeeded in telling her just how much she meant to me. I’d never heard of her when I stumbled across for "The Ship Who Sang" at my local library. I wrote to her, saying that it had moved me profoundly, wondering how a prose writer could have such a clear understanding of a musician’s soul. Being one myself, I said, a musician that is, and would like to send a copy of my last record in gratitude. She responded with a laugh that she had never heard of me but oh my, her children had, and could we trade books for recordings? And so, we began. I raced through everything she sent – such generosity, so much that it took two large boxes to ship it all. She, in turn, told me that while she appreciated the beauty of my “Jesse” and the clarity of “At 17”, she was writing her current novel to the beat of my one disco hit, “Fly Too High.” I laughed aloud because it made an artist’s sense to me – dragons flew, and Anne flew with them, regardless of the beat. It was the third or fourth email that she began with the salutation “Dear Petal,”. Petal. Me? I responded that of all the things I’d been called, no one had ever dreamed to name me “Petal”. She answered briskly that obviously, they’d never seen me bloom. From that day forward, I was her Petal, and she my Orchid. We corresponded ferociously, both all-or-nothing no-holds-barred types, Aries to the hilt. Weekly, daily, sometimes hourly. Dropped out at times when one of us was “on tour”, came back to it as we could. The time passed. Her beloved agent died. My parents passed away. She got a scathing review; I sent a few of my own. She was stuck on a chapter, I was stuck on a verse. We got unstuck, stuck again, and through it all we talked, comforting one another as only a “good hot cuppa” can. She picked me up herself in Dublin, leaning on a cane, nervous to meet in the flesh until I ran into her arms and smothered her with hugs. She drove between the hedgerows with complete abandon, a total disregard for ruts or speed limits, while I clutched the seat and wondered who’d get the bigger headline if we crashed. Annie, I decided, for she was truly a two-column, bold print kind of gal. By then, she was always “Annie” to me, or “Annie Mac”. My larger than life friend, who consorted daily with dragons and starlight, her own luster never dimming beside them. Once, after she showed me the rock cliffs of the Guiness Estate and explained that Benden Hold looked just like that, she asked if I would write a theme for it. For the movie? I said. “Yes”, she said, “A theme. Because if Menolly came to life, it would be with your voice.” I say this not to brag, but to indicate the trust between us – such trust that when I got home, with no film in sight, I began sketching out some notes for “Lessa’s Song”. I wanted it to be haunting, the way her words haunted me. I wanted it to be sweeping, like the thrust of dragon wings. I wanted it to be everything I could bring to her, a gift for someone whose words took me out of my world and into hers. As she said herself, “That’s what writing is all about, after all, making others see what you have put down on the page and believing that it does, or could, exist and you want to go there.” I hope someday to finish that melody. I hope it’s good enough for a MasterHarper to sing. I hope she regarded me worthy of the title. Because that’s what she was for so many of us – the MasterHarper, singing in prose, songs that reminded us of where we’d been, and what we could become. She came and stayed with us in Nashville, bringing a broken shoulder and trusting me to care for her. We visited Andre Norton, Annie insisting I not just drive but sit with them and listen to “a bit of gossip”. These two women—one writing at a time when pseudonyms were necessary for a woman to get published, the other cracking the New York Times bestseller list with, of all things, a science fiction book, and by a female at that!—talked of publishers, rumors, scandals old and new, while I sat as silent as an unopened book, wishing I’d thought to bring a tape recorder. At first, as her health declined, she bore it cheerfully. “I’m bionic now, Petal, complete with metal knees!” she declared. “Better than ever, and no pain.” She kept to her writing schedule, doing what she could to help her body retain its youth. Swam every day, bragged about her granddaughter’s accomplishments at school – “First prize, don’tcha know!” and commiserated over our various surgeries. We sound like a couple of old Yiddishe mamas, comparing whose surgery was worse! I laughed, and she laughed along with me. Neither of us reckoned on the psychic toll. “Old age is not for the faint of heart,” she quoted, as her energy began to leech away. How is it we artists always forget just how hard it is to write? how much work it is? How can we ignore the vast psychic drain that accompanies every act of creation? We both knew it from her Pern books, when going between enervated even the hardiest of dragon riders. But somehow, we never expected it in “real” life. It’s only when we lose that effervescence, through age, through illness, through sheer attrition, that we realize how necessary it is to our work. How fundamental to our beings. “I can’t write.” She confessed the shameful secret to me not once, but dozens of times, as if repetition would prove it a lie. At first, playing the friend, I tried to reassure her. Then don’t! Take some time off, Annie. Restore your body, and the brain will follow. Talent doesn’t just disappear, you know – it lies in wait. But she knew better. “I'm still not writing. I think I know how Andre Norton is feeling, too, because I suspect that she's finding it very difficult to write, as the wellspring and flexibility that did us so much service is drying up in our old age. And no false flattery. AT 76 I AM old, and she's in her nineties. It takes a lot of energy to write, as much as it takes you to keep on adding flavor to your song presentation. Sorry to blah at you but you're one of the few people who does understand the matter when an artist questions their output.” I responded in kind. "No worries talking to me about not writing... I sure as hell know the amount of energy it consumes. Every time you sit down to write, it's a performance. Only you don't have the luxury of props - no lights, sound, other actors to step behind when the inevitable fatigue hits. Heck, Annie, I'm feeling it more and more now, and you've got a quarter century on me. I notice it mid-show; two hours used to be a piece of cake. Now I feel myself flagging at 45 minutes, and I really look forward to that 20 minute intermission, if only so I can have some water and sit for a few minutes. "Same with writing, for me. Used to be able to sit and write for 6 hours at a stretch. Now I'm good for two if I'm lucky. Part of it's my back, but most of it is - I fear - just that I'm older. It sucks." And she wrote back. “Must write. There are IRS problems. You wouldn’t believe. Mouths to feed, people depending on. Advances already spent and gone. Must write.” And so, she wrote, but for a while there was no joy in it. Still, I loved what she wrote, and told her so. I was proud of our friendship, not because she was so damned famous, but because she was so damned good. She even used my name in a book – Ladyholder Janissian in Skies of Pern – and roared with laughter when I admitted I’d been so wrapped up in the story that I hadn’t even noticed. But she knew – as artists always do – that while her ability to plot continued apace, the actual writing of it was becoming an endurance contest she couldn’t hope to win. “Turn more of it over to Todd,” I argued. Her son had a real knack for a sentence, but it was hard for Annie to let go. Of course. What artist can? “His words may not sing the way yours do – yet. He doesn’t have your lyrical grace – yet. But he will, Annie, you’ve just got to let him breathe!” I said it and said it and said it, to no avail. Then came a day when, 25 years younger and an ocean away, I finally lost patience and angrily berated her. “Damnit Annie, quit complaining and just stop! By God, you have created a mountain of work, an incredible legacy that will endure and be read by zillions of people long after both of us are gone – so quit whining about what you cannot do and start looking at what you have done. It’s time, Anne. Take this unbearable weight off your shoulders and stop!” I sent the email off and waited for her response, fearing I’d gone too far. A day. Then another. Finally, sure I’d lost a friend, I called to ask just how angry she was with me. Oh, no, not at all, she’s “in hospital.” She took a fall. She’d write soon. And she did, quoting me and saying “I knew you, of all people, would make sense.” A sweeter absolution I’ve never had. We continued our friendship, bitching about our bodies, menopause, the inevitable “drying up” of everything that comes with the feminine mystique. You cannot imagine the luxury, for me, to have a compatriot a quarter-century older. As an artist, I admired her work. But as a woman, I was relieved to have someone relentlessly honest about what was to come in my own life. We traded constantly. I sent her Lhasa de Sela, Sara Bettens. She sent stories about her animals, and the garden. One spring she changed my salutation to “Dear Crocus Petal – there are eight coming up now!” We planned to visit Prague together in September ’01, but then came 9/11, and I chickened out. To be brutally honest, I was afraid to fly. Annie gently took me to task, then went off with someone else instead. I will regret that for the rest of my life. She went into the hospital for the last time while I was touring the UK – just a ferry boat and an ocean of commitments away. Knowing how out of touch she’d feel, how fretful she’d be, I tried to call every day. We fell into a pattern – I’d wait until I was in the van, then phone her up and tell an off color joke, a bawdy story, a bit of kindly gossip. Sometimes about people we knew in common, Harlan perhaps, or Scott Card, whose work she admired. Sometimes just a silly series of puns I’d found on line. Whatever it was, I wanted to make her laugh, because I loved to hear her laugh. She died while I was on vacation, just days after the tour’s end. I’d brought a copy of Dragonsinger with me because on vacation, I always brought a few “comfort re-reads.” I’d fallen asleep over it, waking to an email from Gigi. Please keep it quiet until I can reach everyone, she asked. My older brother Alec is still in flight, and we don’t want him seeing it in the paper before I can reach him. I called with sleep still in my eyes and heard the hum of people behind Gigi’s answering voice. It was fast, it was painless, it was everything Annie had wanted. No lingering. A “good death” for her. But not for me. It’s hard to open my computer knowing there will be no “Dear Petal.” It’s hard, after knowing such a warm and giving shelter, to go without. Sometimes I run across a sentence that sings to me, and jot it down to show her. And sometimes, when she leaps out at me from the cover of a book, I remember she is gone, and it hits me like lightning, fast and lethal and completely unexpected. It stops my breath, until I remind myself that she is gone, but I am still here. When the lightning hits, I comfort myself with this. The beauty of Anne’s writing is that she makes it all seem, not just possible, but normal. For men to go dragonback. For women to become ships. For young, unwanted girls to become MasterHarpers. For brains to pair with brawns, and sing opera under alien skies. And for an unlikely friendship to bloom, a pairing no one could have imagined, between a petal on earth, and an orchid in flight.

#a passion for friends #janis ian #anne mccaffrey #petal and orchid

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soysaucevictim · 5 years ago

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One of these days - I’ll get my exercise stuff back on schedule. And my sleep hygiene, for that matter. Also this post is long. orz

May 27

I got up a bit after 2PM, today.

The only thing exercise-related I managed to get done today was the DD. 15 pike push-ups with EC. Form was just acceptable. But that's how it is for push-ups for me. :P

Pretty much the only other productive things I got around to doing today was doing some dishes and washing my hair.

Yeah. You know the drill at this point. :/

May 28

I technically got up around 6AM for a bit before getting some coffee going and sleeping til a bit after 7:30. Didn’t have the most restful night’s sleep.

One of the first things I did while at the facility was the DD. 20 up/down planks with EC. Got a bit winded from it... mostly from not running on enough sleep for it. But I got though it. :P

I was nevertheless in a pretty bad way (about the stuff mentioned in last post, bleh). Talked a bit about it at the facility (I probably REALLY need to review my WRAP). Made some vent art and vented about it with a friend and a peer advocate... did help.

Got home, got some Subway... and pretty much tanked my whole day with the usual noise.

I wound up also feeling too tired to be up for my workouts anyways.

May 29

I got up after 2PM today.

Mostly spent my day with the usual... and wound up getting my exercise a bit later than intended for it. (Oi... I’m so behind schedule...)

First, today’s DD. 30 circle crunches with EC. Not much to say other than I found this fun and manageable.

Second, Day 27 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Yoga Rinse“. This was a fun revisit for me, given that I already had it in my favorites list. There was a lot to like about this sequence. My favorite bit might be that wide-legged forward fold stuff. :D

Third, Day 28 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Head & Heart Reset“. I also enjoyed this sequence enough to add it to my favorites. But my shoulders did get pretty tired by the end - possibly also from stacking it on top of the previous workout.

Fourth, Days 26+27 of the PWC. 9′+2′ of march steps. Counted 874 and 204 steps respectively. Pretty to the point.

Last, Days 26+27 of the 1′MC. I like this challenge - but I guess I should soon get back to longer sessions to get more out of it. *Shrugs.*

May 30

I did wake up at about 7:30AM again.

Got to the facility and had to lie down for a bit because I was too tired to do anything, right off. But after some light snooze, I did get in the DD, too. 30 jump squats with EC. Being sleep-deprived made it far more winding than it should have been. Oof. :U

WRAP Group went okay and I mostly spent the rest of my time there socializing and listening to music.

Got back home and pretty much immediately needed to take a nap for a few hours.

Then was up to the same time-wasting nonsense. Did get some dishes done, but not anymore exercise. I guess I was too tired and distracted.

May 31

I got up a bit before 1PM.

I kind of lost track of the day. I think I spent most of it on the usual noise. Only productive things I know I did for certain were making dinner and doing the DD.

2′ arm scissors with EC. I counted 243 reps by the end, and it was quite tough to maintain that average pace of 2/sec. I know I slowed down quite a bit by the end from muscle fatigue. But I had fun!

Other than that and pulling an all-nighter BSing... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

June 1*

Blah... I stayed up till a bit before 2PM until I just couldn’t stay awake. Slept between then and a bit before 5PM before starting my “day“.

Been up to the same shit. Did also watch the first episode of Black Mirror too (pretty good show, imo), before getting my exercise stuff taken care of.

First, today’s DD. 3′ punches with EC. As always, I love punching! So this was a lot of fun to do and I counted 362 punches by the time was up.

{After getting far too damn distracted...)

Second, Day 29 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Meditation for Anxiety“. I decided to do this meditation lying down. This was mostly relaxing... but it was difficult to get into that 4-7-8 count breath rhythm. Probably fretted about that a bit more than helpful. Perhaps in a better headspace, I could appreciate this material a bit more. :Ic

Third, Day 30 of the YCal. Today’s video was “No Fear Yoga“. I’d say that this was just okay. One of the more intense ones, so I kinda mixed and matched with which prompts/variations to do today. I did like the toe stand stuff, though!

(*Okay technically... I got to doing the next thing past dawn.)

Fourth, Day 31 of the March ‘19 Yoga Calendar. Today’s video was “Office Break Yoga“. This was lovely and breezy work. Despite doing it so late, at this point. Pretty gentle and a good reminder for me to get up from my computer more. Also liked the eagle balance work too. Favorite material! =w=

Yeah... should’ve been in bed many hours ago by that point.

June 2

I’ve been up since about 4PM.

I’m just going to get into the productive stuff... and I had a lot of my exercise to get done today, to try to get mostly on schedule.

First, Days 28-30 of the Power Walk Challenge. 9′30″ + 2′ + 10′ march steps. I counted 905, 211, and 1002 march steps respectively. With that, my total number of steps in this challenge is 12,614.

Second, Days 28-30 of the 1‘ Meditation Challenge. 3x1′ sessions consecutively is a bit awkward for the timer resets - but still pleasant. Even if I have procrastinated so hard with it. :I

Third, today’s DD. 2′ half jacks with EC. This is still a personal favorite, and is just about manageable. I counted 129 reps by the time was up. :D

Fourth, Day 1 of the Ninja Challenge. Today’s was “speed“, involving high knees. I went for Level 2 (1′), and I counted 255 steps by the end. I figured this was more sensible than 2′ shortly after the DD. I’ll take the levels of challenge on a day-to-day basis.

Last, Day 1 of the new Power Up Program. This is a tendon strength program, and today focused on the lower body. I decided to try to do all the 6′ as fluidly as possible. The final leg raise hold on both sides took some willpower, but it burned real good. I think this program is a good way to cap off the challenge and I enjoy this kind of workout.

Oi. With that, I really should’ve been in bed hours ago. So I’m going to do that short-like.

I’m going to need to pick up some meds, write a summary of experiences, and archive some fitness log stuff after the snooze.

#adventures with fitness #note to self: recheck my math w/ pwc totals #too tired rn

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shesawriter39049 · 6 years ago

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NEW UPDATE on this blog/Rocki..PLEASE READ

AS OF 4/8/19

Sooo I mentioned..now 4 weeks ago that I left my job (This is week 4) The first two weeks I was so busy handling stuff/ completing jobs for my side business that it didn't even feel like I was off. But now stuff’s finally slowing down so I’m in the stages of fixing my resume and actively looking for work, but in the meantime that means I have a lot of downtown. For some FF writers/ fans that would be great because that means a lot of time to write and watch vids and blah blah blah. But if you’ve been on this blog for a minute you know that I'm usually the last to know EVERYTHING lol usually tOo busy to be in the midst of all the drama and gossip and complaining and blah blah blah. The order of my life was my fiance/Work/friends/then BTS/ Tumblr….BUT I don’t wanna start feeling like I’m spending TOO much time on here and getting TOO invested because that’s just not the way I personally enjoy being in a fandom. I like caring about an artist but not having them be my entire life..and it will be easy for that to happen with me having so much down time. NOW I know you guys are like WTFFFFF the album is coming out blah blah blah..I’m not saying I’m completely ghosting on you guys. I’m just saying I’m stepping back a little which will also mean some of my fic updates will be a little delayed..while I get my life back together. I will still be here so feel free to stop by and say Hi, and chat..I love talking to you guys even if it’s not KPOP related. I’ll still prob reblog pics of the boys and maybe even write little blurbs here and there (There’s actually 2 things on my laptop I might post this week) but for the next month or so I will be a little more laxed on here.

Also don’t worry about me, nothing happened that triggered this I just don’t want anything to happen...if your spending ya know 5+ hours of your day at home on your computer or on the phone. It becomes very easy to just hop on here and before you know it you've spent your whole day looking at shit. When I couldve been..Idk going for a drive in between looking for jobs or looking into shit for my wedding/for my business and ETC ya know!?! Once I start working again things will feel more “normal for me” if that makes sense..I’m use to working my day...getting home between 6-7PM Mon-Fri..spending time with my fiance and getting on here for a couple hours late at night. That’s what I like lol not when I have time to be on this bitch allllllllllll damn day..that’s not where it’s at...or at least not for me. That’s how I keep a lil sanity with any artist or thing that I like...I try not to overindulge… But again that has NOTHING to do with my ask box..you can feel free to come talk to me if you’d like I just may not respond AS quickly...but I’ll respond

Love ya as always,

Rocki

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everyonesfavoritelesbian · 6 years ago

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Justyna (Jay) Lysenko

(BG - Before Game DG - During Game AF- After Game)

Simple Facts

Fandom: The Arcana (Virtual Novel)

Name: Justyna Lysenko

Nicknames: Jay, Magician, Yna, (and witch but only special people can call her that).

Gender: Female

Age (during game): 26

Love Interest: BF- N\A DG- Nadia Satrinava AF- Nadia Satrinava

Occupation: BF- Apprtence to Aunt\CoShopKeep DG- Apprtence to Arsa\Shopkeep AG- Royal Magician\CoShopkeep

Hair: A coral pinkish-Orange

Eyes: Bright Blue

Skin: Pale as Paper with a few freckles here and there (a mole in the center of the center left of her back, mistaken as a witches mark in BG)

Familars

A Raven: black, Crow

A Cat: Black, Blue

A Fox: Red, Ash

A Snake: Blue, Faust

(In my Au\ff I made Faust secretly my familar and Arsa has his own snake named Frost that looks almost similar to Faust. Arsa didn't was to put so much pressure on me when I "came back to life" so he lied to make it easier for me. Thank you BFF)

Family

Mother- Ann Novak

Father- Mateusz Lysenko

Aunt- Rebecca (Rebby) Novak

Twin- Emma Novak, Died a few months old

LAST NAME CONFUSION?

A total Parent Trap situation. The dad was gonna take Jay and Mom take Emma. But Emma died before the Dad left and so the mom took her and the dad didn't really give a shit.

History

Jay lived with her mother up to the age of 9, where her mother was abusive and even tried killed Jay because of her accidentally magic and sapphic comments. She was also sexually asulted a few times by Uncle's and Mother's boyfriends

Jay ran away at 9 year old to find her father in Spain, it was a 6 week journey, stoeing away on the back of carriages and accepting horse rides from strangers and a fee royal court memories helped with part of the journey. It took her several more weeks to find her father in Spain. She did, well thought she did. The man was an imposter and kidnapped her, put her in a small room with other girls around her age. They were all sexually abused and molested for a few months where Jay was able to help the group of girls escape (and even cursed the men with accidental magic). Jay got the girls home safe before taking another long journey to Vesuvia.

Once she got to Vesuvia, it took her about a week of asking around to find her Aunt. She met with Muriel and those kids and had an encounter with Count Lucio. Once Jay found her Aunt, Rebby, she began taking care of her wounds and feed her the biggest meal could make for the starving 10 year old. Jay told her Aunt all the abuse of her live and the Aunt broke down crying, saying as long that she is with her nothing would happen to her. And if it did, Rebby would curse and make the person suffer.

Rebby taught Jay more magic and how to control her accidental magic. They did spells and charms to help with the trama. But when she was sexually asulted again at the age of 14, Rebby tracked down the man and cursed him and beat his ass. Jay cried at this because no one before did anything like this. Rebby found Arsa and offered him with training and a living situation, where Arsa only accepted the training.

Both Arsa and Jay's familar\s find them at age 15.

At the age of 16, Rebby continued her traveling and made Jay CoShopkeep. Arsa would stay, protect, and keep Jay company. Arsa and Jay Bonded more and more, and found out that the each where attracted to the same gender. They gave each other support and made small jokes and pointed to possible others.

When the Plegue came to Vesuvia, Rebby was stuck in between a war in another country, so she couldn't return. Arsa begged to for Jay to leave with him, but Jay refused. She wanted to help to find the cure and to keep the shop safe. Arsa left and Jay meet with Julian, where she became his apprtence durning the time of the plegue.

Jay caught the plegue after a year or so of helping Julian. She tried her best to hide it and to find a cure but Julian quickly found out. Jay ran away to her shop and went through books. She didn't want to die, something told her that she would help figure out the plegue. Jay remembers meeting the Fool Arcacan a few times as a child and having a strong connection with them.

She flipped through hundreds of spell books and found a few for reseerecting the dead, but none of them would be perfect. She wrote a note explaining her connection with the fool and left for the Forest, where she went to mediate and spend her weekends. It was comfort for her.

That's where she spent her last hours in as much happiness and comfort she could.

Arsa retuned, guilty not so long after Jay's death. When he found the note, he couldn't stop crying and feeling guilty. He asked Julian for help to contact the Fool. Julian agreed and Arsa was able to speak to the Fool through the Magician. The Fool said Jay was the only moral to ever see them. The Fool offered their body for Jay to live again. The Fool admitted their life is dull and was ready for death. Their Spirit will still be in the body, but Jay would be the one controlling it.

Arsa did the ritual with Julian's and Muriel's help.

As we all know, three years of Jay(MC) relearning to live, Nadia in a coma, Julian accused of murder. Blah blah blah.

(The game is almost the same but I add and take away some things. I'm working on writing it now on Google Docs).

(Rebby will return sometime after the game, because the war she was stuck in for about 6 years finially ended).

#the arcana oc #the arcana memes #the arcana #the arcana nadia #nadia the arcana #arcana oc #apprtence oc

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henry-hart · 6 years ago

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question time

I’m making my own post too bc I know it’s gonna get long. lolol

First off, thank you Lou for tagging me. :))))) You tagged most of my friends in your post, so I just have a few people to tag lol @sleepylilsnowflake @sunbeameyes (take your time Nikki <3) @shonashee @writing-excuses ***you all aren’t required to do this. just, if you want to :)))

I. Nickname?

(Fun fact: Em is my actual first name--like, it’s not a nickname or short for Emily or Emma. Just Em) my nicknames are all longer than my actual name, and I have a lot, but the ones my fam uses the most are Emmers, Ems, and Emmy.

II. Gender?

Female

III. Star sign?

Pisces

IV. Height?

I think I’m like 5′3″??? I’m not sure. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to the doctor or measured myself alkjslkjslk

V. Favorite feature?

Uhhhhh myyyyy.....ears? I guess??? Is that lame??? lolol They’re just small and I pierced them so many times, so my earrings look cool. I don’t know. I don’t really find any of my features good ashkjskajk

VI. Favorite color?

Yellow! It makes me happy!

VII. Favorite animal?

I have the hardest time answering this hhhhhh I love all animals, but I guess....it’s gonna have to beeeeeee......tigers? I love that they like to swim despite being in the feline fam, and they’re so beautiful. Sorry to all the other animals. I love you all equally.

VIII. Average hours spent sleeping?

lol wut is sleep???? Just kidding kind of. Well, it depends on the kind of day I’m having. I mean, I just woke up an hour ago, and it’s three in the afternoon ajskjsklj. So, sometimes it’s a classic 10+ hour depression nap, or it’s the “I can run on three hours of sleep no problem.” Hardly ever do I sleep a healthy 8 hours. :(

IX. Dogs or cats?

ugh another “choose an animal” question. I can’t. I love dogs and cats, and I have both.

X. Number of blankets you sleep with?

In the summer, just one so I don’t die of heat exhaustion, but in the winter, I use two.

XI. What’s your dream trip?

Honestly, I’d love to plan a trip to hit every continent (apart from Antarctica bc no) and just see all the major countries and cities and just experience all the cultures of the world. Places I’d look most forward to on that trip would be Australia, Spain, annnddd the Scandinavian countries as well as Iceland (unless that’s considered Scandinavian???) :)

XIV. How many followers do you have?

On this blog, I think I have 80? I’m not sure. I’m surprised I even have that many a;kljskljs Thank you all!

XV. How many pets do you have?

A cat, a dog, two fish, and a turtle--so five.

XVI. Best places to visit in your town or country?

My town is sh*t, so there’s nothing “best” about it. As far as my country goes, I mean, where do you start? I’ve never been to most of these places, but probs the ever classic New York, Cali, Florida (I have been to FL, but not deep in the panhandle). I mean, they’re not really “talked about,” but I’d love to see Oregon and Washington.

XVII. Favorite ice cream flavor?

I’m in the 2% of people who actually like strawberry alkjslksj

XIX. Favorite study locations?

When I was in college, my dorm was on a little campus lake, so I’d take my studies out there bc it was really calming. I didn’t usually study in the library bc I couldn’t take the heavy feeling of desperation and stress and anxiety coming from everyone else in there.

XX. Favorite book series?

Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh this is a really hard question bc I’m ALWAYS reading. Hmmmmm maybe HP bc it’s one of the first series I completed???

(I don’t know if I was supposed to answer those questions, but here’s the second set lolol)

1. Favorite band/music group?

I am not good at making decisions like this. Maybe The Doors? Gotta love that classic psychedelic rock. RIP Jim Morrison.

2. Favorite subject in school?

I always loved English (duh lol) and science--esp biology.

3. Fruits or veggies?

Both! I don’t eat meat lolol

4. What’s an inside joke you have?

God, I wish I was cool enough to have all these cool insiders with friends, but I just don’t. My lil bro and I have a lot tho. Like, we’ll watch funny videos or play the same video game or watch the same tv show, so we can crack jokes about that stuff that makes everyone else go “???” Also, he and I are big on vines, so we make about 50 incredibly well-placed vine references every day. lolol (he’s my little buddy--I say little, but he’s 16 alkjljslksj)

5. Ever been to Disney?

No. >:( I’ve never been able to afford it, but ONE day.

6. Do you like rollercoasters?

I’ve only ever been on minor ones, but I enjoyed those, so maybe I’d like the major ones?

7. Favorite movie?

One of the first movies I remember watching was Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and that’s a classic. It’s def one of my faves. I also watched The Labyrinth a lot as a kid. I JUST REMEMBERED CORALINE IS A THING, AND I LOVE THAT MOVIE. SO CORALINE IS MY FAVE.

8. What’s your dream job?

Something that categorizes as philanthropic. I just want to be able to help and talk to people all over the world. :)))) (also, if any of my young followers are stressed about not having it figured out, I’m 22 and have no idea what I’m doing. It’s okay.)

9. What’s something you wish you were good at?

Art or dancing. Ah, to have been one of those art students in college.

10. What do you listen to during long car rides?

I make me some rad af car ride playlists skljakljskl I have ones for summer car rides, ones for night car rides, ones for driving in the rain--I’ve got it all. lolol

11. Favorite warm drink?

I don’t usually drink warm drinks, but I occasionally have tea.

Now for Lou’s questions ;)

1) Favorite video game?

I play a LOT of video games, but one of the first I ever played was Super Mario on the Nintendo 64, so probs that. I also like Halo and Skyrim a lot.

2) What is one album you’d recommend?

The 1975 - The 1975 (it’s a self-titled album)

3) What type of weather do you like most?

I’d like to say warm, sunny weather bc I like it in theory--the feeling of the sun on your skin, light hair, dark skin, being outside, etc.--but it’s just not realistic. The rain is more likely bc I get inspired to write and I have an excuse to stay inside akjslksj

4) What mood are you currently in?

A very “blah” mood. There’s so much I want to get done, but I have NO motivation.

5) Favorite comfort food?

This is gonna be really lame, but it’s cereal. When I was in college, I could only afford cereal, and after going sometimes days without eating, to have that bowl of cereal was just a godsend. :)

6) What is one of your main hobbies?

READING! I have a literal wall of books in my room. I’ve been avidly reading since I was about eight years old.

7) Your opinion on the pineapple on pizza discourse?

Don’t like it. At all. That tangy fruit taste mixed with cheese and red sauce? No.

8) Someone you really look up to.

My mommy. <3333 She’s an incredible woman, and she just embodies everything that feels motherly. Most of my friends call her mom bc that’s what she is, through and through. I aspire to be like her in life because she’s just so full of love and comfort and warmth. I love her so much. (I’m crying now thinking about her alkjlksjslk)

9) A joke that makes you laugh.

It’s silly, but my little sister read it off a Laffy Taffy, and I lost it. “What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop music.” aklsjlskj same

10) How was/is your day?

Eh. I haven’t been awake for most of it, so I don’t really know alkjlksjs;l

Here are my questions!!! And, for the people I tagged, feel free to answer whichever set of questions you’d like! You can answer all, some, none--whatever you’d like!

1- What’s your comfort TV show/movie?

2- Favorite word and least favorite word?

3- Something (or someone) that makes you happy. :))

4- Biggest fear? (it can be a silly fear if you’d like)

5- What was the last thing that made you really laugh. What made you really cry?

6- Do you prefer the country or the city?

7- Which HP house are you in?

8- One word you’d say describes you best.

9- Cringiest thing you’ve ever done.

10- How long have you known your oldest friend? (by oldest I mean years you’ve known them not how old they are akdljlkjs)

Enjoy!

#this was fun #thank you lou for tagging me!!!#i hope you guys don't mind being tagged #have fun!#not henry danger

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something-tofightfor · 5 years ago

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Take A Sip - Part 1

Pairing: King Caspian x Reader

Word Count: 4106

Rating: PG-13? There’s some suggestion, and a little big of language, some plotting against the crown

Author’s Note: Remember that time when I decided to write a Billy Russo one-shot for Halloween and then I went crazy and decided to write them for other characters too? This is Caspian’s. I split it into two to keep the word count manageable, but the 2nd part will be posted later tonight.

It takes place in the same story-line as His Favorite Place, well after part 6 (you’ll see.) It can technically be read on its own, but knowing that story will be helpful.

Summary: Why are you and Caspian spending less time together not even a year after your wedding? What are you keeping from each other?

Want to be tagged? Ask! Want to be removed? Ask!

General:

@the-blind-assassin-12 @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @obscurilicious @sweetybuzz25 @suchatinyinfinity @lexxierave @gollyderek @poindexted @ificouldhelpyouforget @elanor-of-imladris@thesandbeneathmytoes @luminex3 @geeksareunique @weallhaveadestiny @mfackenthal @thesumofmychoices @yannii04 @beautiful-thinking @drinix @agentlingerie @blah-blah-fuckit-shit @dreams-with-thoughts @wangmangagavroche

Caspian:

@emyyjemyy @damalseer @thisisparadisemylove @chibiyanai @life-is-a-melody @shinebrightlikeafanbase @halfwit-halfblood @littlemermaidprobz

Unsure:

@banditthewriter @padfootagain @madamrogers @ethereal-heavcns @editboutique @marauderskeeper @ilkaeliseb @delicatelilyflower @king4thesirens @ymariejp @mr-robot-x@rageshots @introvertedlibrary @writing-for-a-chance @yesixoxo@ilikebeachessushiandsmallanimals @likeorions @swiftyhowlz @dylanobrusso @malik-payne @lynne1993 @traeumerinwitzhelden @ladyblablabla @dreamwritesimagines @audreychaz @tc-elliot @kind-wolf @honeyydippaa @binbonsadoration@ificouldhelpyouforget @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @ms-delos@jeanettexkillian @elioelioeli0 @projectcampbell @giggleberts @malionnes

“Lord Rantawn, have you seen my wife?” Caspian’s steepled fingers flexed, the frown on his face growing larger by the second. “I called for her earlier, but she hasn’t…” The man, who had paused just inside the heavy wooden door shook his head twice.

“No, your Majesty, she’s been away from the palace for the entire morning.” Caspian sighed. I didn’t even hear her leave. I hope... “Would you like me to send one of the maids for her?” Lord Rantawn stepped closer, hands dropping to his sides. “I’m sure we can -”

“No, if she’s away, she’s got…” Caspian trailed off, swallowing. “She’ll come back soon enough, it’s nearly time for dinner. You can go.” With a nod, Rantawn turned and left the room, the click of the door filling Caspian’s ears. How early did she leave? You’d been married for nearly a year, each day happier than the last in his eyes, but Caspian couldn’t help feeling a distance between the two of you that had only seemed to grow over the past few weeks as the weather changed again.

Your wedding had taken place less than five weeks after Caspian’s proposal, the Narnian people as well as those from the surrounding countries - even those from your hometown - had shown up in droves for the celebration. Many had enjoyed the hospitality offered by the Narnians, as Caspain had opened the gates of Cair Paravel for anyone needing a place to stay during the nearly weeklong celebration. It had been an event to remember, and as winter turned to spring and spring to summer, you grew used to your new responsibilities with little trouble… but it had meant that you and Caspian were often tasked with different things, requiring your presence in separate areas of the palace - and in Narnia.

By the end of the warm summer months, Caspian’s attention had been diverted to Doorn, where reports that his former advisor Sor was attempting to meddle in the affairs of the crown had originated, whispers of a growing uprising focused on removing you from his side reaching the shores of Narnia and the ears of Caspian’s most trusted guards. Instead of choosing to ignore it until something concrete happened, Caspian had sent a crew of his best men out immediately to find Sor in an attempt to quell the problem before it became a real one, but while he waited for word, the young king had not been sitting idle. And that’s the problem. He sighed, lowering his head to the table in front of him and closing his eyes. A real problem. Your safety was paramount to him, and though you didn’t know it, he’d assigned an extra guard to you at all times you were away from him - trying to ensure that nothing could happen to you, even in the moments when he wasn’t able to personally protect you.

Though you and Caspian spent each night together in your shared wing of Cair Paravel, he’d been making it to bed later and later as he drafted new laws and legislation with the help of his remaining advisors, deciding what to do with Sor if - and when - he was caught and brought back to the palace. There was no doubt in Caspian’s mind that you felt neglected, but in order to protect you and the kingdom, he’d had to focus on what was known, leaving nothing to chance. Despite his good intentions, you were often asleep by the time he made it into bed, and rather than wake you for a short conversation, Caspian merely undressed and climbed into bed, using whatever remaining candlelight he had left to watch as you slept, your fingers curled around the

edge of his pillow.

The mornings, though, he looked forward to, especially when he’d wake with your face pressed to his chest, a hand on his hip, and the scent of your hair filling his nose. He hesitated to wake you then, too, because he knew that getting up would again mean separating for long hours. But that was the price of being King and Queen of Narnia, and both of you knew that it had to happen. You’d been gone when he woke that morning, and as he stood from his desk, pushing papers away from his chair and running his fingers through his long hair - now even longer than it had been when you’d married him, his beard much thicker as well - he blinked a few times as he tried to remember the last morning that he’d woken up with you by his side. It’s been nearly a week. Strange, she usually sleeps later than me.

He followed Rantawn’s path out the door, but instead of heading to your quarters, Caspian turned in the direction of the dining room, thoughts troubled. Is it time to tell her? He hadn’t wanted to worry you before he knew anything for sure, but the last thing Caspian wanted was to keep you in the dark. And she could probably hold her own against him now, he thought with a small smile. He’d been teaching you to fight - hand to hand combat training that had begun during your courtship, an hour here or there, minutes stolen as you began practicing first with wooden knives and swords before graduating to the real thing, your steps light and quick in the trousers and boots you wore during the lessons. You’d taken him down for real on more than one occasion, bodies falling together on the grass in the fields near the orchards, and Caspian was confident (and proud) that at the very least, you’d be able to hold an assailant off for long enough to let him - or someone else - get to you.

“My King.” He stopped mid-stride, turning his entire body toward the sound of your voice and felt himself smiling even before he saw your face. “Caspian.” You began walking to him, your arms swinging loosely at your sides, the skirts of your dress flowing around your legs. He looked you over as you neared each other, chest growing tight as he watched your eyes light up at the sight of him. “You -” But you only got the single word out as his hand raised to the back of your head, tilting it upward so that he could kiss you, his lips settling against yours firmly. She smells like the orchard, like the sunlight. When he pulled away, he took a deep breath, swallowing, but didn’t remove his hand from your hair. “Hi.”

“Where have you been, my Queen?” He winked at you, raising an eyebrow. “You smell like you’ve been working in the gardens.” He saw your lips twitch, but you shook your head, not answering him. “Alright then, a secret?” You nodded. Guess we both have secrets. “Maybe you’ll tell me about it at dinner?” You rolled your eyes at him but turned, falling into step next to Caspian, and the two of you headed toward the dining room where you took your meals when you didn’t eat in your room. “How was your day?” He waited until you were seated, staff members placing dishes of food down in front of you, to speak. “You’ve been away a lot this last week.” He watched as your eyes widened, a piece of bread halfway between your plate and your mouth.

“I didn’t think you’d notice, Caspian.” His heart wrenching at the sadness in your voice, he didn’t reply immediately. This is supposed to be the happiest time for us.

“I’ve been b-”

“Yes, you’ve been busy. I know that.” You nodded, chewing thoughtfully. “And that’s why I haven’t bothered you, why I haven’t -”

“You’re never a bother to me, you know this.” He reached for your hand across the table, shaking his head. “I know that we’ve been apart a great deal lately, but there’s good reason for it, and …” He stopped, taking a breath. “There are things I need to tell you, and you’ll…” You stared at him, your fingers linked with the tips of his. “But it can wait until later, when we’re in our room.” You nodded, pulling your lower lip back and between your teeth, eyes on his face. “Now.” He leaned closer to you, curling his fingers beneath his chin and tapping twice against his lips. “Tell me what you’ve been up to that requires you to wake before dawn and keeps you out of Cair Paravel until nearly dark.”

“Caspian.” You sighed deeply, the corners of your lips twitching. “You know where I’ve been.” I do? “Think about it - very carefully.” He took a few moments to do so, staring at you. Oh, no. “You’ve got it, don’t you?” That’s not safe, it’s not…

“The Harvest Celebration.” You nodded. “I completely… damn.” Caspian shook his head. “You’ve…”

“You’ve been busy with your advisors, and time was running out, and you kept pushing things off, and so I just…” You sighed. “I took over, and I’ve planned everything. This week is just finalizing everything.” He racked his brain, trying to remember the date. It starts the night after tomorrow, it’s so soon. “We’re doing something a little different this year, Caspian.” What? “We’re still going to have the feast, still going to have the talent competition. Everything’s the same, but…” You stopped, your eyes lighting up. She looks so excited. “We’re going to have a masquerade ball, too.”

“In the palace?” You shook your head. “Then…”

“In the field just outside of town. That way we could invite everyone, and not just the Lords and Ladies. Word was sent out weeks ago, and so many have agreed to attend. We’ve even got people coming in from the Lone Islands, Caspian!” You looked happy - and pleased - with yourself and Caspian felt his heart sink. It’s not safe. It’s not safe. “You don’t look…” Taking a deep breath, Caspian shook his head and smiled, trying to force a genuine look onto his face.

“No, of course. Thank you for… stepping in. I’ve been preoccupied, but there’s no reason that we should forget the Harvest. It’s good that you’ve gotten so involved. We haven’t had such a big celebration since our wedding, and now you know exactly how much work it takes to plan an event.” You rolled your eyes, stabbing a piece of meat with a fork..

“Caspian, I’m the Queen, I need to get involved in things like this.” You chewed thoughtfully. “And it’s been a lot of fun, actually.” He listened as you talked, explaining all of the different aspects of the celebration; the mazes, the menu, the decorations, the entertainment. She thought of everything. “And I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and had the tailor make something new for you to wear.” Of course you did. “We won’t match, but we’ll look like a couple, and…” You sighed. “You’ll need to try it on, of course, but we used the measurements from your wedding outfit, and…”

“I’ll go tomorrow.” Caspian laid down his fork, a real grin on his face. “Will that be ok with you?” Eyes bright in the candlelight, you wet your lips with your tongue, nodding enthusiastically. “Good, it’s settled.” He wiped his face with a napkin, pushing back from the table. “Are you finished?” You stood, straightening your dress and waited for Caspian to reach your side of the table before heading back to the door, his arm slipping around your shoulders without pause. I’ll tell her tonight.

---

But an hour later, Caspian was still no closer to telling you what he needed to, since as soon as you’d made it back to the seclusion of your rooms, you’d helped him undress, hands running over his body until he’d nearly forgotten what he was going to say to you. Going to bed with you didn’t negate the distance he’d felt from you, but it helped, and as the two of you laid tangled in the blankets, his head on your chest and your fingers idly playing with the ends of his hair, he took a deep breath. “There’s something that I need to tell you.” Reluctantly, he pulled away from you and sat up, urging you to do the same.

“My King, what…” You spoke quietly, tone full of worry. “Is it… did I do…” Caspian shook his head, waiting until you’d wrapped a blanket around yourself, forearms poking out from beneath it. He reached for you, taking your hands in his and paused. “Caspian, you’re scaring me.” Forcing himself to look into your eyes, Caspian finally spoke, choosing to start with the most important piece of information he had. Remember, I love you.

“Six weeks ago, I received word from associates in Doorn that Sor was trying to gather a group together to …” He swallowed, feeling chill pass through him. “To forcefully remove you from my side.” You gasped and he held your hands tighter, launching immediately into the story. The messenger had reported that Sor was reaching out quietly, trying to find those who had fault with Caspian’s choice to marry you, those that wanted to see you dispatched in any way possible. “I sent three ships out immediately. Not the Dawn Treader, that’s unnecessary, but smaller ships with smaller crews that could reach the islands faster, that had a better chance to find Sor.” You nodded, silent, and even via the candlelight, he could see that your eyes were filled with worry. “I will find him, he won’t… he isn’t going to find much support, which is good for us.” The messengers had also said that Sor’s search hadn’t turned up much; nearly everyone was still impressed with Caspian’s dedication from years before, and he’d worked hard to make Narnia a safe, prosperous and happy land - and they were pleased with his choice of you as well, satisfied with the way you were handling your duties and excited that Narnia once again had a king and queen.

“Caspian, Sor doesn’t... “ You squeezed your eyes shut. “Why me?” This is what I didn’t want to tell you.

“If I lost you, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t ever find happiness again. I wouldn’t be the same man I am now.” He leaned in, pulling his hands from yours and reaching up to cup your cheek, thumb moving over your face. “Sor knows that. He wouldn’t simply put you on a boat this time, he means the separation to be permanent, and… it would destroy me.” Caspian kissed you gently before leaning in to rest his forehead against yours. “It won’t happen, I promise you. I won’t let anything happen to you.” You were quiet for nearly a minute, Caspian only able to hear the sound of his own heart beating over the crackling of the fireplace.

“I know you won’t, Caspian.” You tilted your head, bringing your own hand up to his face. “I trust you.” You kissed him, and Caspian could feel that you were trying to convince both of you with the action. “And if I would have known, I wouldn’t have planned a masquerade, or made it in such a public…”

“No. Shh.” He shook his head again, shifting on the bed so that he was on his knees and put his arms around you, drawing you closer. “The people of Narnia shouldn’t have to … this isn’t their fault, and this festival is tradition.” He felt you nod, though your head had dropped to his shoulder. “I’m sure you did an amazing job planning this, and I can’t wait to see it.” You laughed, but the sound was hollow. “No, I’m serious.” He pushed you away from him gently, hands on your upper arms. “We’re not going to change the way we live just because of one person or a small group of people, and you’re not going to have done all that work for nothing.” Caspian eased you onto your side, stroking one long finger along your brow and then down the side of your face. “I am the king of Narnia. I will take care of this problem, and I will take care of you. I promised, remember?” You nodded, one of your hands trailing down his chest.

“Yes, Caspian. You did.” Both of you were silent again, staring at each other in the low light. “You know that the harvest season is my favorite time of year, right?” I didn’t. “The leaves changing, the air… everything is cool, but the sunlight… it’s perfect.” You sighed, scooting closer and tucking your head into the crook of his neck, each word sending out a puff of breath against his skin. “I just wanted this to be…”

“It will be.” Caspian pulled you even closer to him, not an inch of space between your bodies. “I don’t want you to worry about anything except this celebration. I’ll handle everything else.” I dare him to show up thinking he can pull one past me. I dare him.

---

“You look incredible, my King.” He heard you from behind him, eyes leaving the sleeves of his coat and moving up in the mirror to find you. By Aslan… she’s… “That color suits you perfectly.” When Caspian dressed for formal events, he typically wore shades of purple and gold with some red accents, but the outfit that you’d chosen for him included a deep green jacket with tails, golden buttons lining the front. “It’s meant to be worn open in the front, Caspian. So that you can see the vest and the shirt beneath.” You stepped forward, fingers swiftly undoing the fastenings. “There.” You turned him back to the mirror. “See?” That does look better. Opening the front of the coat exposed the deep brown leather of his vest and the crisp white undershirt beneath it. “You can even wear your sword at your belt with it open that way.” She’s right.

“I will.” He turned away, hands going to your waist. “You, my Queen…” Caspian let out a breath that was nearly a groan. “You look…” You bowed your head to him, color rising in your cheeks. “This is a one time only dress? I’m… disappointed.” You stepped back, using both hands to lift your skirt and curtsy, Caspian’s breath catching. “That color on you…” Your dress was simpler than the formal wear that was expected at court, but you still looked every bit the Queen you were. The neckline was lower than Caspian would have liked to see you in in public, but he wasn’t going to complain, and though the dress was a deep burgundy that accented the lingering highlights from the summer sun in your hair, the focal point was the rich brown panel at the front of the bodice, made of the same material as his vest and stitched with an intricate design and topped with golden laces that constricted and pushed your breasts up at the same time. “Who are you trying to impress,” he murmured as he stepped closer to you again, hands going to your hips, his fingers sliding over the silky fabric beneath them.

“Only you, Caspian.” You sighed as your fingers went into his hair, his lips moving along your collarbone as he bent down to kiss the bared skin. “Always you.” Good. He kissed his way slowly across your chest and neck, moving upward to your jaw, where he bit down gently, feeling your fingers curl more tightly in his hair. “If you keep doing that, we’re going to be late.” He groaned, knowing that you were right and reluctantly straightened up, his hand sliding to your back and then lower, pulling you toward him. “We need our masks, Caspian.” Masks? You stepped back from him, turning toward the desk near the window where a decorated wooden box sat. “We’re wearing the same style, help me put mine on?” He followed you wordlessly, eyes drinking in the sight of you from behind, the hem of your dress hitting the floor, the fabric clinging to your body in all of the right places. She’s my wife. He was smiling when you turned, holding your mask up. “Be careful of my hair, please.”

It was pinned loosely on the top of your head, and Caspian took the mask from your hands before you turned away from him, reaching around your head to settle it into place atop the bridge of your nose and looping the strings around the back of your head, tying it in a neat - but tight, thanks to years of sailing experience - bow. As he finished, he let his fingers trail down to your shoulders, hands flattening atop them before he moved them outward, gripping your shoulders. He couldn’t help leaning down and kissing the back of your neck, closing his teeth around the skin at the base of it and sucking gently, his name leaving your lips in a low whine as your head dropped forward slightly. Stop that, you can’t leave a mark there for people to see. When you turned to face him, his breath caught again at the sight of your wide smile, the top half of your face obscured by the golden mask he’d just tied on. He stepped closer, peering at the surface, which was etched with more intricate linework around and below the eyes, and a well-defined golden lion at the center of your forehead She was meant to be here, with me. “Do mine?” He raised an eyebrow, the words coming out slightly breathless and you nodded, giving him a wink as you turned away from him to pick up his mask from the velvet interior of the box. He took it from your hands when you held it to him, holding it in place as he felt the strings tighten at the back of his head, knot secured just above the leather strap that held a portion of his hair back from his face. “Thank you.”

Stepping toward the mirror once more, Caspian spent a few minutes straightening his attire, pulling on the buttons of the vest and fixing the collar of his shirt. You stepped next to him, fingers at your neckline as you attempted to pull it up. Why? He watched you in the mirror as you gave up after a few seconds, rolling your eyes behind your own mask, and before he could stop himself, Caspian’s arm was around your waist, turning you to face him without hesitation. “Caspian, what are you -”

“Thank you.” He spoke with sincerity, though with you that was always the case. “You took over for me and ensured that all of Narnia would have a Harvest celebration to remember, and I couldn’t ask for more.” He leaned down, lips landing just below the bottom edge of the mask and onto your cheek, lingering there for long moments. “You are everything I could ask for in a Queen and a wife, and I don’t tell you that enough.” You hummed in agreement, your hands moving to his sides as you pulled him closer, changing the angle of your head so that you could look up at him, eyes bright. “I love you.”

“I love you, my King.” You smiled up at him. “And I feel the same.” There was only a short pause before Caspian was kissing you, head tilted to the side and his nose grazing yours as your lips pressed together. We’re going to be late. You parted your lips for him, tongue flicking against the center of his bottom one and he sighed. I don’t care. Careful not to touch your hair, Caspian held the back of your neck in one large hand, the other running up your side until he stopped it below your breast, tightening his grip and swiping his thumb on the underside of the swell beneath the fabric. It had been more than a year since he’d freely been able to touch you, and the sensation was still exciting for him, still something he wanted desperately most times. It always will be. You finally pulled away from him, lips pink and somewhat swollen, chest rising and falling rapidly. “We have to go Caspian, you have to make a speech to start the -”

“Yeah, I know.” He raised his hand to run fingers through his hair but stopped at the last second, remembering the mask he wore. Damn. “Let’s go before I tell one of the guards to let the people know we’ve both suddenly taken ill.” You laughed loudly, linking your arm with his as he led you toward the door. “We’ll stop at the armory on the way out.” I need my sword and she needs a dagger.

---

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jessicakurr · 7 years ago

Text

SURPRISE!!! :)

A/N: I had a great dream, woke up in the middle of the night, and had this fabulous idea to write a short drabble just for YOU, Melissa! Not much of a plot, just mainly smut, and maybe a tiny little bit of nutritional value. Thought it’d be a nice little break from my novel length Skipper fic, End of Time, that I have been working on for the past 14 months. I don’t even know if I will post it on A03 or ff.net. Just a little exercise. Practice, I suppose. I had some time off…and I’m single…sooo, here ya go chicky! ;)

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything X-Files related, blah blah blah. Now let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?

Spoilers: Nothing past beginning of season 5.

Warning: This is NOT MSR.

Rating: Mature

Fandom: X-Files

Relationship: Alex Krycek/Dana Scully

Categories: Smut, UST, Angst, AU

By: Jessica Kurr

Summary: Dana Scully is done being the reasonable one, and Alex Krycek is looking for redemption. What would happen if their paths were to cross, and they chose to sample each other’s lives for one night? Would it change anything, or just cause more regret?

LIAISON

Great. Just. Fucking. Great. Mulder was once again asking Scully to finish all his paperwork for him, after he had just dragged her on an unwilling goose chase across three states for a whole week, because he was convinced that Bigfoot was on the run. Would the madness ever end? Scully was tired, and in desperate need of a bubble bath, with a glass of Merlot. Or two. Maybe even three. No, scratch that. Scully was ready to do something reckless. Something that she would never normally do. Like, kill her partner. Or set the office on fire. HIS office. It wasn’t even hers. Not really. Granted, she did appreciate some things that Mulder had to offer…most of the time. But lately, it was as if he was purposely trying to piss her off. And it was definitely putting her off this week. She didn’t need this right now. And to top it off, she hadn’t even been on a date, or out with friends, in probably four years now. Scratch that, also. Scully no longer had any friends. Just Mulder. This was getting…ridiculous. Enough was enough.

“I’m not doing this. Not tonight.” She whispered to herself, as she slammed the folder shut. She then shoved the folder across the table, and the papers went flying in every direction as it hit the floor. “Shit.” She heavily groaned and sighed, while running her hands over her face. It was time to go home now, she decided.

Scully looked at her watch, and almost choked at the time. 7:03PM. Yeah, no, this was not happening tonight. Where the hell was Mulder, anyway? He was supposed to call her two hours ago. This was the last straw. Scully was going home, because it was Friday night, and to hell with doing paperwork on the weekend. Not again. It would have to wait till Monday. Or maybe Mulder could just do his own paperwork his damn self.

Scully quickly gathered her things, and wasted no time leaving that dim drafty basement office. Once she got to her car and put the keys in the ignition, she had a fabulous idea. Something that “normal Scully” wouldn’t do. She was going to the bar. She didn’t care that she would have to leave her car there and take a taxi home. Now, normal Scully would have thought this to be an unreasonable decision. But Dana Scully was done being the reasonable one. At least for tonight, anyways.

XXX

Alex Krycek threw back his last shot, and then tossed some money down onto the counter. He knew his limit, and he still had a job to finish tonight. He couldn’t afford to get sloppy, just because he was having a really shitty week. Or more like a really shitty life. This wasn’t exactly what he signed up for. Working for that cigarette smoking bastard. Always doing his dirty work for him. But he had almost paid off all of his debt now, so he would be free within another 6 months. That’s if the creep actually kept his word.

Krycek paid for a taxi to take him to a certain point and figured he would be sober enough to take his own car back home when he was finished in a few hours. He reached Fox Mulder’s apartment in no time and sighed in relief when he noticed that he was not home. This would be a piece of cake. Mulder never put a password on his laptop, so the files would be easily attainable. Dumbass. Krycek smirked to himself, as he picked the lock and entered the darkness. He looked to his right and noticed the bright green glow of the fish tank. Hello, old friend. It’s been a while.

Krycek spent 20 minutes thoroughly searching the apartment, and came up emptyhanded, surprisingly. What the hell? Where was Mulder’s laptop? It couldn’t have just vanished. Krycek ran his hand over his face and heavily sighed, as he paced back and forth. And then it clicked. It was probably at Scully’s apartment. Mulder must have let her borrow it to do his paperwork for him again. Lazy ass. Damn. Well, hopefully she wasn’t home either, because he was not about to go home emptyhanded. Not again.

XXX

Scully paid the cab driver and stumbled her way into her apartment building. She wasn’t trashed per say, but she was definitely tipsy. Drunk enough to not care about pissing Mulder off. But sober enough to still be thinking about how pissed off she was at Mulder. Maybe she would top things off with a glass of wine and a bubble bath after all. She made it to her door, after nearly tripping on her neighbor’s newspaper, and struggled for a long moment with her keys.

“Dammit.” She hissed, as she threw her purse down on the ground and leaned up against the door.

This was exactly why she never drank like this. It usually just made her emotional and more upset. Why had she thought this was a good idea again? After another moment, the keys were finally in the lock, and the door was open. Scully quietly shut the door and locked it behind her. Now she just had to make her way to the lamp without falling on her face.

Scully stumbled in the dark, until she finally found the closest lamp. But the moment her hand reached up to turn on the light, she knew something was wrong. Even through the thick haze of liquor that clouded her brain, she realized that someone was standing behind her. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard a heavy sigh, and she quickly reached for her gun, whirling around to train to her gun on the tall figure standing in front of her.

“Don’t move!” She hissed, as she clicked off the safety. The tall figure took a step closer, and Scully realized that there was a gun in her face as well. She couldn’t tell who the intruder was, but she knew that it was definitely a man. “I said DON’T MOVE!” She barked, and the mystery man huskily snickered at her.

“Or what, Agent Scully?”

She knew that voice. Where had she heard that voice from before? It sounded a bit different, deeper, but she definitely recognized it, and she knew that she had met this person before. “Calm down, Scully” echoed in her brain, and she quickly reached back to turn on the lamp.

Scully’s eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed in fury. “KRYCEK, you—you rat bastard. What the hell are you doing in my fucking apartment?”

“Calm down, Scully.” He rolled his eyes, with his gun still trained on her.

Now this sounded familiar. Too familiar.

“Don’t tell me to---I swear Krycek, I will shoot you, and I won’t think twice about it.” She glared at him, and that seemed to only amuse him even more.

“I was just leaving, after I get the files.” He drawled, while looking down at Mulder’s laptop on the coffee table.

Scully furrowed her brows. “What files?” She slightly swayed, as the dizziness from the liquor began to kick in.

Krycek cocked his head to the side, intensely observing Scully for a moment. Something was different with her. She was struggling to focus on him, and her eyes were glazed over. Scully was drunk. She had been drinking, also. Oh, this was rich. But he didn’t have time to fully enjoy the hilarity of this situation right now. Right now, he needed those files.

“Just hand me the laptop, and I’ll be on my way.” Krycek stepped even closer, expecting Scully to step back away from him, but she stood her ground. Damn. So, they were going to have to do this the hard way then. Things were getting a little boring lately anyways.

“You’re not getting anything from that laptop. I suggest you turn around and leave, or I’m calling you in. I’m being rather generous right now, Krycek. Don’t push your luck, or I’ll have your ass locked up in prison where you belong.” Scully spat heatedly.

Krycek stared down at Scully, as the amusement quickly turned into annoyance. “Look, I don’t want to have to hurt you. I just want the damn files. That’s it.” He tried to explain, but Scully wasn’t having any of it, obviously. Jesus…women.

Scully pursed her lips and took a step closer. Deep down, she was actually afraid. If Krycek could kill her sister, that was meant to be her, she had no doubt that he’d attempt it again. But at the same time, she was tipsy, extremely pissed off at Mulder, and now Krycek, and GOD why did men suck so much?

“Turn around…and leave.” Scully took another step closer, but a much smaller one this time.

Krycek had to admit, he was somewhat impressed right now. Scully was not going to back down. Alright, well then…suit yourself. He took another step, until his gun lightly grazed Scully’s. She was within arm’s length from him now, and damn, those blue eyes were piercing into him with so much fury, that it almost unnerved him. Almost.

“Have you been drinking, Scully?” He gruffly asked, as he hovered over her with a whole extra foot of intimidation.

The height difference was ridiculous right now. And Scully was definitely not the slightly chubby and soft spoken young woman that he had met years ago. She was now toned, and rough around the edges. He already knew this from their last brief encounter, but he hadn’t really gotten a good look at her until now. What has Mulder done to you?

“That’s none of your damn business, Krycek.” She said, as her grip on her gun momentarily faltered.

“Why have you been drinking? You don’t drink like this usually.” He asked with slight curiosity, but also with the intention of creating a distraction.

“And how the hell would you know that?” She paused, and Krycek chuckled and then blinked at her through his thick long eyelashes. “Ah, yes, surveillance. I should have known.” She said through clenched teeth, shaking her head.

Krycek loosened his grip on his gun and shook his head also. “I haven’t done that shit in two years, and frankly never really cared for it. It was just a wild guess.” He shrugged.

Scully raised her head up but narrowed her eyes on him. “Right. Well, like I said, it’s none of your damn business.” Her eyes involuntarily dropped to look at his feet for a moment, and Krycek’s curiosity grew, for whatever reason.

“Mulder ditch you again?”

He didn’t even know why he was asking this right now, or why he should even be the slightest bit interested in their tedious lives. Then again, he really didn’t know as much about Scully as he did about Mulder. In fact, he only knew what he was told, which wasn’t much.

“NO.” Scully cleared her throat, looking away for a moment.

Hmmm. Interesting.

“Bad week?” There he went, prying again, for whatever reason. Eh, what the hell, it was Friday night. Not like he had any other plans set in stone.

Scully opened and closed her mouth a few times before answering. “I---just what the hell are you trying to pull, Krycek?” She was now confused. Maybe she should just give him the damn laptop. She could say that Krycek forced her hand, and Mulder would believe her. She was too tired for this crap right now.

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Just simply trying to make conversation.” He sneered down at her.

“Nice try. Get out.”

Krycek looked to his left, shook his head, and then stared back down at Scully. “I can’t do that.”

Scully swallowed, as her blue eyes searched his green ones. And she realized that they were just going in circles. Someone had to give in soon…or die. Maybe it was time to beat Krycek at his own game.

“Yes…Mulder ditched me again.” She softly replied, licking at her lips.

Krycek’s hard stare briefly softened, and Scully knew that she just might be able get him to let his guard down for a brief second, if she kept up the conversation…hopefully.

“I don’t know why you put up with his crap. I could hardly keep up with it when ‘I’ was his partner.” Krycek droned.

“You weren’t his partner. ‘I’ was his partner. You were just using him.” Oops. She was supposed to be pretending to play nice. Maybe this plan wasn’t going to work out.

“Maybe so. But you still deserve better.”

That comment unnerved Scully, and she was now back to feeling more confused than ever. She tried to block the flood of memories from invading her mind, but it wasn’t working. And now her emotions were getting the best of her again.

“Yes, I do. I deserve to have my sister back, alive and well. I deserve to know what happened to me during my abduction, and why. I DESERVE my fertility back, and for all the shitty things that have happened to me the past 5 years to have never occurred. Which is more than I can say for you.”

Calm down, Scully. Calm down, Scully. Calm. Down. Scully.

“I know you think I killed your sister, but I didn’t.”

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s true. I was there, but I didn’t pull the trigger.”

“It was supposed to be me.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Yes.”

“And Mulder’s father?”

“Yes, I did that.”

“Why?”

“Because he wasn’t the person that everyone thought he was.”

“How could I possibly believe a liar, and a—a MURDERER.”

“Believe what you want. But I guarantee that everything Mulder has told you about me was based off of personal assumption and lack of facts.”

“Bullshit.”

Krycek shifted his weight and heavily sighed. “Ask me anything you want, and I’ll be 100% honest with you.”

Scully sarcastically laughed and nodded. “Okay, fine. I’ll bite. Have you ever lied to us?”

Krycek smirked and nodded. “Yes.”

“See? You ‘are’ a LIAR.”

“Only when necessary.”

“OH, that’s rich.” Scully furiously shook her head at him.

“Did you have anything to do with my abductions?”

“I only provided an address. But I didn’t know exactly what they were going to do with you. Believe me, I was kept in the dark with most of everything. I don’t know much more than you.”

“Did you plan to kill me that night?”

“Yes.” Pause. “No.”

“No?”

“I figured that it was just a test, and that the orders would be terminated at the last minute. I didn’t even expect Luis to pull the trigger. He was a dumbass.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Like I said, Scully…believe what you want.” Krycek sighed with exaggerated boredom. “You’ve apparently already formed a personal opinion about me anyway. So, I don’t think that anything I say is going to change your mind.”

“I’m only going off of all of the shitty things that you have done, Krycek.”

“Here’s an idea…why don’t you ask me ‘why’ I’ve done all of those shitty things.” Krycek replied with slight annoyance, waving his gun around.

“Not like you’d tell me the truth.”

“I’ve been honest so far, haven’t I?”

Scully looked Krycek up and down and heavily sighed. “FINE. What could you possibly say that could justify your actions?”

“Debt.”

“Excuse me?”

“It doesn’t justify anything, but I really had no choice.”

“Everybody has a choice.”

“Ha, that’s a good one.” Pause. “No, I was put into this lifestyle at a young age.”

“Why?”

“Because my father owed someone a lot of money. And when he died, I was next of kin, so I was held responsible.”

“Why didn’t you just go to the police?” Scully wasn’t actually believing any of this, was she? Surely not.

“Because they threatened to kill my sister.”

Krycek had a sister?

“Well, why---why didn’t you tell us this from the very beginning? Why are you telling me this now?” She eyed him suspiciously.

Krycek sighed and looked away for a moment. “Because my debt is almost paid off now. It was too risky to say anything then.”

He was lying. There was no way any of this was true. This was just another Krycek trick. It had to be.

Scully realized that she had significantly lowered her gun and began to lift it back up to Krycek’s chest. “Nice story, Krycek. You should tell it at parties.”

Scully was suddenly caught off guard when Krycek’s foot came out and slid under her feet, and down she went. But what shocked her the most, was the fact that she didn’t hit the ground with a loud painful thud. Instead, she fell backwards, and was caught by the waist with Krycek’s right hand. She was able to react rather quickly, and brought her knee up into his groin, and next thing she knew, they were both slowly going down. Krycek landed on top of her, and wasted no time pinning her down with his thighs and hand. Scully looked to her left and saw that both of their guns were now on the ground a few feet away. She then looked to her right and noticed that Krycek wasn’t using his left hand. That’s right. Mulder had told her about Tunguska. About how he almost lost an arm but got lucky. It looked like Krycek hadn’t been so fortunate. Served him right.

“This little game is over, Agent Scully.” He hissed at her through clenched teeth.

Scully turned her head to look back up at Krycek, and tried to move her arms and legs, but he was pinning her down too tightly. His face was too close to hers now, and she couldn’t help but notice some features that she hadn’t noticed before. The few times that she had run into Krycek, it was dark, and she had always kept her distance. She had never actually been this close to Krycek before, alone. And she had to admit, he was an attractive man…for a rat. But a rat was still a rat.

“Get off of me!” She spat, while thrashing about as much as she could.

Krycek clenched his jaw and pulled Scully’s pinned hands up over her head. “Not a chance. Now, you’re going to let me walk out of this apartment, with the laptop. Understand?” He snarled down at her.

“Fuck you, Krycek!” She growled, before spitting in his face.

“You little bitch…” He growled back, wiping his face on his sleeve.

Then he was putting more force on her, until she finally stopped squirming. He was not about to hit a woman if he didn’t really have to. He could handle this, for now.

“I. Can’t. Breathe. You—you—” Scully gasped for air, and Krycek raised up just enough to let her breathe.

“I will let you go if you calm down and do what I say.” He replied, while breathing heavily. Scully shook her head in rebellion, and Krycek laughed in frustration. “Come on, Scully, don’t make this any harder than it really has to be.”

Speaking of hard…Krycek was taken aback by the growing hardness in his pants. Was this really turning him on right now? He tried to shift away so that Scully couldn’t feel it, but the way she was looking up at him told him that she already had. She swallowed, blinked, and swallowed again, but refused to look away. And Krycek suddenly realized how beautiful she was. Pouty lips, flushed face, with those big blue eyes glaring up at him. He always knew it, but never thought much about it until now. But that wasn’t really what was turning him on right now. Her stubbornness was most likely the culprit. He never really could resist a woman with an attitude. They had only been alone in that apartment together for 10 minutes tops, and they were already learning a lot of new things about each other. It could also very well be the alcohol that they had both apparently been consuming earlier, but for some reason he doubted it.

“Mulder is going to be here any minute, and then he is going to kill you.” Scully calmly said with narrowed eyes.

“Mulder ditched you, remember? So, I highly doubt that.” Krycek drawled through a chuckle.

“He—he didn’t ditch me. He just got busy.” Scully quietly replied, looking away.

“Let me guess…he begged you to go on some week long wild goose chase with him, and then asked you to do his paperwork for him, again. And then he didn’t call you like he said he would. Am I right?”

“NO.”

Krycek smirked and nodded. “I am, aren’t I?”

Scully looked back up at Krycek and blinked back the tears that threatened to escape. “He—he got busy.” She repeated.

“He doesn’t fucking appreciate you.” Krycek shook his head.

“And you do?” Scully glared up at him.

Krycek leaned in and shrugged. “I’m not your partner in crime. And I don’t think that you’d ever let me close enough to do so.”

“Well, we agree on one thing.”

Scully was desperately trying to ignore the fact that Krycek was on top of her, with a rapidly growing hard-on digging into her stomach, with his face only a few inches from hers. He was obviously trying to shift away from her to hide his erection, so she doubted that he was going to try to rape her. She wasn’t even sure anymore that he was going to try to kill her either. He would have done it already, right?

“Scully---”

“Go. Just take the laptop and GO.” She looked away from him, as a tear slipped down her cheek. She didn’t even know why she was crying right now.

Krycek sat there for a long moment in deep thought. Why was Scully suddenly giving up the laptop to him? And why was she crying? And why did he suddenly not want to leave? He knew he should leave now. He really, really should. But when he looked back down at Scully, watching the tears flow freely now, he couldn’t do it. Dammit. Goddammit.

“I’m sorry.” He quietly replied.

Scully turned her head to look back up at Krycek and furrowed her brows. “What?”

“I—I’m sorry, for—for everything that that black lung bastard has put you through.”

Scully intensely observed Krycek for a long moment. She was suddenly so taken aback by his words, that she couldn’t figure out what to say back. So, she just laid there for a long time, looking up at him with wide wet eyes.

“Don’t.” She finally replied, shaking her head.

Krycek furrowed his brows at her. “What?”

“Just don’t. Don’t do this to me, Krycek.”

“I’m not doing anything.” He shook his head.

“Don’t put me in a position like this.” She pursed her lips at him.

“Scully, I---”

“Stop, just stop it. I’m giving you what you want. Now just take it and go.”

“I—I can’t.”

“Why not?” Scully’s heart was now racing for some reason.

“Because I want more than just the laptop. I want---I---”

Scully’s stomach did a little flip-flop, as Krycek began to stutter.

“What are you saying?” She found herself asking, even though she wasn’t sure that she really wanted to hear the answer.

Krycek suddenly leaned in, lightly grazing his nose against Scully’s for a brief moment.

“You’re right. I should—I should probably go now.” He grumbled.

Scully tried to nod, but she couldn’t. All she could do was stare up at him. Krycek was so close to her now that her eyes were crossing, and a moist warmth began to spread between her legs. Oh, God. Oh no. This was not happening right now. She was not hot for Krycek. FUCK.

“No.”

“No?”

“Krycek---”

And then his mouth was on hers, as his hand completely let go of her wrists and trailed down to her face. She didn’t give in to the kiss for a few seconds, but when his tongue came out to lightly graze her bottom lip, her mouth finally opened, and she kissed him back. It was hot and passionate and sexy as hell. Who knew that Krycek would be a good kisser? What was she doing? What the hell was she doing? And then her hips were involuntarily moving upwards against him, and her hands were in his hair.

“God, Scully.” He groaned into her mouth, as his fingers tangled in her hair as well. “Tell me to stop now, or I’m going to keep going.” He rasped, and Scully shook her head.

“Don’t. Stop.” She moaned.

They both kept at it for several more moments, kissing and moaning and grinding against each other until they couldn’t take it anymore.

“Bed?” Krycek hesitantly asked, and Scully nodded without any reluctance.

“Bed. Now.” She replied with another moan.

And then he was quickly lifting up off of her and helping her to her feet. Scully gasped, as Krycek effortlessly grabbed at her ass and lifted her up off her feet to straddle his waist with her legs. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they began kissing again, while he impressively made his way to the bedroom without dropping her. She had a feeling that he had done this before. She wondered if he knew that she hadn’t been with a man since before the X-Files. Mulder had thought that she had slept with Ed Jersey, but in reality, she never did. And now she was about to sleep with her partners enemy. Oh, God. What was she doing?

Krycek questioned if Scully knew that he hadn’t been with a woman in well over a year now. And that there were far and few between over the years. He just never had the time or interest for all the drama afterwards, considering his life was such a mess these days. He hadn’t ever really had a serious relationship either, now that he thought about it. Just some quick meaningless fucks. So, why was he feeling different than usual, and why was he dragging Scully into his mess right now? Why couldn’t he stop and just leave? He was determined to remain in control of this situation. It would be over soon, and he would look back on this and laugh, just like all of the other times. He would look at Mulder, and think to himself, “I fucked your partner. The woman that you’re most likely in love with but are too blind to realize or do anything about it.” And he would purposely make Dana Scully squirm, every time that he saw her. If he ever did again. He would make eye contact, but never mention it, and she would look at him nervously, silently begging him to not tell anyone. And he would go to bed every night with a wicked smile on his face. Knowing that he was able to get under “The Ice Queens” skin. It was going to be fucking glorious.

Scully gasped when Krycek threw her on the bed, and then he was crawling up her body, his eyes never leaving hers. Scully had already decided that this was going to be quick, rough, and never talked about ever again after it was over. This was just a momentary lapse in judgement, and she would be sober and back to her old self again by morning. But right now, she needed this. No matter how wrong it was, she couldn’t stop herself.

“If you ever tell anyone about this, I swear to God Krycek, I will deny it. And no one would ever believe you.” Scully hissed into Krycek’s mouth.

Krycek quickly pulled away, looking down at Scully with amusement and intense arousal. “I wouldn’t expect anything different from you.” He smirked, and then kissed her again, so hard, that he was sure that their lips would be swollen and bruised in the morning. Good. That would help remind her that she was fucked by Alex Krycek, and that it wasn’t just a dream. She may deny it, but she won’t ever forget it. He was going to make sure of that.

“Oh, God.” Scully loudly moaned, when Krycek began sucking at her neck with teeth, tongue, and lips, marking her as his for the night.

“What do you want?” He growled into her ear, roughly nibbling on it.

Scully opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling in a lustful daze. “What?”

“Tell me what you like.” He whispered, as his fingers slowly trailed down the left side of her face. Scully closed her eyes again when Krycek’s thumb ran across her bottom lip. “Tell me what you want from me.”

God, why did guys always have to hear a woman say that she wanted to fuck him? It must be an ego thing. As if they weren’t going to have sex if she didn’t verbally tell him exactly what they were about to do.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Fuck you, Krycek.” She glared up at him.

“Mmmm, tell me more.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

“Is it not? You don’t want to fuck me?”

Scully remained silent, as she continued to look up at Krycek with pursed lips.

“Do you want me to touch you---” Krycek paused, as he slowly trailed his hand down her throat, until he reached a breast. He lightly grazed his thumb across a hardened nipple, and Scully arched her back into him. “Here?” He then ran his hand down her stomach, her hip, and then over across the top of her pants. His fingers unbuttoned her pants, and then finally slipped inside. It was a snug fit, but he was able to reach his target, as his long fingers lightly brushed her outer lips. “Here?”

Scully moaned and sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth. She desperately tried to not move, to not give any indication of her arousal, but it was inevitable. Krycek’s finger slipped in between the folds, and Scully wasn’t sure who moaned louder.

“Jesus, you’re so wet.” He groaned and shivered, as his fingers began to slowly move in tight circles against her little bundle of nerves. “Is this what you want, Dana?”

“Don—Don’t call me that.” Scully hissed through another moan. First names were too personal, and she was determined to remain as detached as possible. But God he was good at this.

Krycek chewed on his bottom lip with a chuckle and slipped a finger inside. Scully clawed at his arm with a loud gasp, as her hips involuntarily jerked up into him again. He slipped in a second finger, pumping in and out, while his thumb rubbed against where she needed it the most. And he watched with amusement, as Scully’s eyes slipped shut and her mouth opened.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He huskily whispered, and Scully’s eyes opened again to look up at him. “I bet Mulder never tells you that, does he?” Scully shook her head and looked away for a moment. “Look at me.” He demanded, and she did, with slight hesitation. “Do you love him?”

“No…I—I don’t know.” Scully answered honestly, as she blinked and swallowed for the millionth time.

“I don’t know how he stands it. All day…next to you…God, he’s such a fucking weirdo.” Krycek rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Scully arched her back up into him again, but he pulled back when they both heard and felt some sort of buzzing vibration underneath one of the pillows. Krycek furrowed his brows and slid his hand under the pillow, pulling out a little pink vibrator. He threw his head back with laughter and waved it in front of Scully’s face, which was now crimson and extremely hot.

“You won’t be needing this tonight.” He purred, as he tossed it aside with a smirk.

Krycek was not only extremely amused by the thought of Dana Scully owning a vibrator, but he wondered why he never caught her using it before during his surveillance work. Maybe she hadn’t owned one back then? Whatever the case, he also wondered if she called out Mulder’s name when she used it. Or if the thing had just been sitting there unused under her pillow for a while now.

Scully blushed as she watched her vibrator hit the other side of the bed. But when she looked back up at Krycek, he was no longer laughing. He was now staring down at her with sensual admiration. She figured that he pegged her for the fingers only type. And he would be right. She hadn’t actually used the thing yet and had only had it for a few weeks now.

“It was a gag gift…for my birthday.” She felt the need to explain.

“I’m more fulfilling.” Krycek leered, and Scully’s stomach did another little flip-flop.

And then he leaned down to kiss at Scully’s neck again. He inserted three fingers this time, and began to pump harder and faster, while his thumb continued to rub at her. Scully loudly moaned and began to squirm and thrash about on the bed. Krycek couldn’t help but grind against her hip every time she jerked up, and next thing he knew, he was moaning and breathing heavily with her. And he knew that if he didn’t get some clothes off soon, that he was going to embarrass himself.

Scully was close, but just as her climax began to build, Krycek pulled his hand out and quickly began to pull her pants and panties down her legs. He effortlessly pulled her shoes off along the way, and the clothing was quickly tossed aside, but he did not attempt to take off her shirt. Instead, he began to crawl down her body, and Scully held her breath in anticipation as he buried his face in between her legs. His tongue began to lap at her, and her climax began to quickly build again. And then she remembered who was doing these glorious things to her, and the panic began to consume her.

“What am I doing? Stop. God, STOP!” Scully yelped, pushing at Krycek’s head, and he quickly pulled back with furrowed brows. “I---I can’t do this.” She wheezed, as she covered her face with both of her hands.

Krycek pulled himself up into a sitting position next to her and ran a hand over his face with a heavy sigh. “I’m not going to hurt you, Scully.”

“It—it’s not that.” She groaned into her hands.

“Then what is it?”

“Mulder---”

“FUCK Mulder.” Krycek hissed into the darkness. “He doesn’t ever have to know. I’m most certainly not going to tell him. I don’t really feel like dying right now.”

Scully sighed and kept her hands over her face. “But ‘I’ know. ‘I’ know, Krycek. And this is NOT me. I—I don’t do things like this.”

“Like fraternize with the enemy?” Krycek murmured through a chuckle.

“Exactly.” Scully sighed again.

Krycek slowly reached back and pulled Scully’s hands off her face. His previous plans were quickly beginning to sound like a bad idea. Maybe Scully was right. He was already being too gentle, too soft with her, and that wasn’t him. And the fact that he was suddenly somewhat concerned with ruining someone else’s life was enough to stop him as well. He couldn’t afford to let a woman influence him, even for just one night. It looked like this was not going to happen after all. Plus, the earlier buzz that he had was now long gone.

“I should go.” He cleared his throat, slowly standing up.

Krycek reached down to pick up Scully’s panties and turned around to hand them to her. She quickly took them from him and put them back on. And then she pulled her knees up to her chest and stared at him out of the corner of her eye.

“Our little secret, Scully.” He reassured her, running a hand through his hair and turning to leave.

Scully watched him leave the room and sat there for a second in deep thought, listening for the opening and closing of the front door. But she never heard it. And then she remembered…the damn laptop, and the guns.

“Shit!” She opened her bedside table drawer and pulled out her spare gun and ran into the living room.

Sure enough, Krycek had the laptop in his hand, and was ejecting a portable USB from it. She cocked her gun at him as he threw the laptop on the couch and shoved the little object into his pocket. Then his gun was on her as well, while they intensely stared at each other.

“Krycek, you bastard!” She hissed through clenched teeth, and Krycek looked her up and down with lingering arousal.

“You didn’t think I forgot, did you Scully?” He chuckled and began to make his way over to the door with his gun still trained on her.

“You tricked me.”

“Well, maybe some time you can pay me back.” He winked.

Scully huffed with frustration and followed him to the door.

“You’re not leaving with that.”

“Sorry, Scully. Please don’t take it personally.” He narrowed his eyes on her and reached for the knob.

Scully sucked in a sharp breath and fired her gun at him. Luckily, the bullet hit his gun before he had time to fire back, and his gun fell to the floor. Krycek’s eyes widened, as his mouth dropped open in surprise.

“What the fuck was that?!” He yelped and shook his hand a few times.

“That was your payback.” Scully glared at him.

Krycek had to admit, he was oddly impressed. Scully didn’t even think twice about shooting at him, just like she said. And he was even more turned on now, even though she could have killed him. What he didn’t know, was that she had purposely aimed for his hand. He could only hope that she wouldn’t shoot at him again. But he was going to have to take his chances anyways. Good thing he had quick reflexes.

Krycek ducked and quickly lunged at Scully, and her gun reflexively went off into the ceiling. And unfortunately, half the apartment building was being remodeled right now, so she didn’t have any close neighbors that could hear the gunshots, except for Greg, who was out of town for the week.

Krycek was able to get the gun out of Scully’s hand, and she took off running towards her bedroom. Krycek removed the clip and tossed the gun onto the floor, as he ran after her. He knew from the very beginning that he was not going to use his gun on her. Not that she needed to know that.

Scully tried to slam her door shut, but Krycek was faster and blocked it with his hand. He shoved the door open and stood in the door way, heavily breathing. Scully took a few steps back, stumbling into her bed. She looked down at his hand and realized that he no longer had the gun. Why?

“I’m not going to shoot you, Scully.” Krycek barked through clenched teeth.

“What do you want from me, Krycek? You have your files now. Just go.” Scully huffed with frustration.

“You know what I want.” He took a step closer, but she could not take anymore steps back, so she turned and began to walk backwards towards the nearest wall. There was a window close by, and maybe, just maybe she could escape through it.

“Just take the damn files and leave, Krycek.” She half heartedly warned him. Shouldn’t she be more scared than she is right now? Or was she realizing that Krycek was indeed not going to hurt her. The files didn’t even seem important anymore.

“I’m going to ask you one time, Scully. Just once. And if you still say no, then I will leave.”

“What?” Scully hesitantly asked.

Krycek took another step closer, still breathing heavily. “Do you want me to finish what we started before?” He quietly asked, clenching his jaw.

Scully began to shake her head, but then stopped. She didn’t know why she stopped. But for some reason, she suddenly couldn’t say no. Krycek was just hovering over her, with his disheveled hair and wild eyes, and it was sexy as hell. No one had looked at her like that in a very long time.

“Yes.” She found herself saying, as her heart began to wildly pound in her chest.

Krycek looked down at her for a moment, jaw still clenched, and then looked away. He ran his hand across his stubbled jaw and then looked back down at her. And then he was lunging at her again, and roughly grabbing at her arm. Scully loudly gasped, as he shoved her up against the wall. His mouth came crashing down onto hers, and she realized that she was going to completely go through with this now. There was no turning back now.

Scully quickly helped Krycek pull off his shirt, barely paying attention to his extremely realistic prosthetic arm, and then began working on his pants. Krycek bent down to take off his shoes, and then he was back to kissing her with only his boxers on now. He pulled back long enough to yank her panties back off of her, and then she was only wearing her shirt again with her bra.

And then Krycek was lifting Scully up into his arms, as her legs tightly wrapped around his waist. He shoved her back up against the wall and kissed her again, growling when Scully pulled his bottom lip between her teeth. Her tongue ran along his jaw, and up to his hear, as she nibbled and lapped at it. They began to clumsily grind against each other, until Krycek finally whirled her around and dropped her back onto the bed in one long stride. They helped each other remove their last items of clothing, and then stared at each other for a long moment with a lustful hunger. Their trembling hands ran along bare skin, as their lips connected again.

Krycek spread Scully’s legs and positioned himself above her entrance, pulling back to look down at her. “Condom.” He murmured, and Scully pointed at her bedside table, which shocked him to know that she even kept any. She was obviously not that active. Then again, neither was he, or he would have had some on him. They both knew she was infertile, and that they were both probably clean, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

Krycek retrieved a condom and tore the package open with his teeth, as Scully watched him. And then she was taking the condom from him and reaching down to slide it on him herself, as he grunted at the touch of her tiny fingers on him.

“Are you ready?” He asked, and Scully nodded.

And then he was slowly entering her with a long groan, pulling out and pushing back in, until he was fully submerged in her wet warmth. Shuddering, he stopped for a moment, until Scully began moving against him. They moved together, as the thrusts became harder and faster. Krycek eventually stopped for a moment, long enough to bend down and take a nipple into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around it, and then pulled back.

“Turn around.” Krycek softly demanded, and Scully obeyed.

Scully got on her hands and knees and Krycek used a knee to push her legs further apart. Then he bent over her and slowly entered her again from behind. He pushed in and out slowly, until Scully buried her face into her pillow and clutched at it with a loud whimper. He sped up the pace, as the sound of their gasps and moans and bodies slapping together filled the room.

Scully collapsed onto the bed, unable to hold herself up any longer, and Krycek followed, still pumping into her. He knew she was close, so he tucked his hand down between her and the bed and began to rub at where she needed it the most. That was all it took to send Scully over the edge, and Krycek whimpered as he felt her tighten and spasm around him. Scully violently convulsed and cried out, and Krycek’s climax began at the end of hers, as he shuddered against her. And then it was over, and the condom was off, tied up, and carelessly tossed to the ground.

They both collapsed onto their backs, staring up at the ceiling in silence. Yep, that just happened. And Krycek was suddenly feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt about it. He had to make sure that he hadn’t forced any of what just happened onto Scully. He had murdered, bad guys of course. He had lied and stolen. But rape was not something that he could ever do. And luckily, he was never asked to do it. Seduction, yes. But never rape.

“Scully?”

Scully closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “Yeah?” Then she exhaled.

“I didn’t----you didn’t---this was mutual, right?” He hesitantly asked.

Scully snorted and clicked her tongue. “Unfortunately, yes.” She nodded as if he could see it.

Krycek turned over and held himself up on his prosthetic, looking down at Scully with wide eyes. “Unfortunately?” His voice slightly wavered.

Scully turned to say something sarcastic but was caught off guard by the look on Krycek’s face. “I---” She suddenly couldn’t speak. Krycek was staring at her with the most unusual facial expression. She had never seen him look like this before. There was a hint of concern and tenderness in his face. And it unnerved Scully to see her partners mortal enemy acting like this. As if he might just care, a little bit.

“You can have the USB drive back.” Krycek found himself unexpectedly saying.

Scully rolled her eyes and licked at her lips. “RIGHT.”

“No, I meant it. I can’t take it now. Not after---not after what just happened.”

Scully suspiciously eyed Krycek for a long moment, and then realized that he was being serious. “Won’t you get in trouble for it?”

Krycek nodded. “I can just say that the files were corrupted or something.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

Krycek searched Scully’s eyes for a long moment, and then slowly leaned down to capture her lips with his, in a soft tender kiss. Scully was now feeling even more unnerved. Just what was his angle?

“I don’t know. Because I’m a fucking idiot, I suppose.” Krycek breathed into her mouth, as his hand grabbed at Scully’s bare hip and pulled her closer to him.

Scully gave in to the confusion for a moment, but then came back to her senses and pulled back. “This can’t ever happen again.” She shook her head.

Krycek immediately nodded and pulled himself up into a sitting position. “I know.” He sighed, as he grabbed for his clothes and began to dress.

Scully pulled her shirt over her head, not even bothering with the bra, and then slipped her panties and pants back on. She than sat there and watched in shock, as Krycek pulled the little object out of his pocket and tossed it into her hands. She caught it and intensely studied it for a moment, before looking back up at Krycek, who was making his way out of the bedroom.

Scully heavily sighed and quickly followed Krycek out into the living room, where he was grabbing his gun off the floor and sticking it into the back of his pants under his shirt. He kept his back turned towards her for a long moment, and then finally turned around. Scully crossed her arms, with the USB still in her hand.

“I’m going to go now.” Krycek murmured, and Scully nodded up at him.

Scully watched as Krycek made his way over to the door, and she found herself inwardly groaning and following him. “Krycek?”

Krycek turned back around and Scully was momentarily distracted by the little crease above his nose. Scully cocked an eyebrow at him and then heavily sighed, shaking her head. She uncrossed her arms and reached out to grab at Krycek’s hand. He looked down at her hand in surprise, as she placed the little object into the palm of his hand and then pulled back.

“Keep it.”

Krycek looked back up at Scully and shook his head. “Why?”

Scully anxiously fidgeted with her hands and shifted her weight. “I don’t know exactly what is in those files, but it’s obviously a lot more important to you than it is to me or Mulder. I’m sure Mulder won’t even notice that they’re gone.” She found herself shrugging.

Krycek chuckled and leered down at Scully, shaking his head, as he put the object back into his pocket. “I only took a copy. The original is still on the laptop.” He sheepishly admitted.

“Oh.” Scully softly replied, tucking a loose lock of hair behind her ear. They both looked at each other for another long moment, until Scully could no longer take the silence. “Well, I guess this is it.” She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.

Krycek leaned in, so close that Scully could feel his hot breath on her cheek. But their lips never touched. Not this time around, thank God…because she wasn’t sure if she could handle anymore of that right now.

“See you later, Scully.” He rasped, impishly smirking at her as he slowly backed away.

“No, you won’t, Krycek.” Scully crossed her arms and pursed her lips, determined to stand her ground. This couldn’t ever happen again.

Krycek’s smirk turned into a full-blown grin at Scully’s stubbornness. He knew she was only trying to protect herself and her family from the dangers that always followed him. And he knew that she was right. They shouldn’t see each other again. Not like this. It could also possibly ruin her relationship with Mulder. Well, in that case…

“See you later…Dana.” He said it softer this time, his eyes never leaving hers.

Scully blinked, swallowed, and blinked again. They were both doing a lot of that tonight. And this was only just the beginning…she could feel it. Oh, shit. What had she gotten herself into? She watched Krycek slowly turn around and exit her apartment. He exuded confidence with every stride. And before she knew it, she was calling out to him. Willingly inviting the devil to return.

“Goodbye, Krycek.” She murmured, clearing her throat, and clinging onto the door until her knuckles turned white.

Krycek stopped, began to turn around, but then thought better of it. He leered down at his feet instead and kept walking. Scully then quickly shut and locked the door once Krycek was out of sight. Her lips quirked into an uncontainable smile, as she leaned up against the door.

Maybe he wasn’t the devil, after all.

END

A/N: Hope you liked it! A short sequel of some sort could be possible for Tumblr in the future. But for now, back to End of Time I go…

@nightshade1013

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