#spend a weekend in my city in like january or february and then tell me yer fuckin cold

[godsoopsiewoopsie]

i’ve talked about this in the past but i friggin hate looking on pinterest for outfit inspo during colder days and all the outfits that pop up are like skirts and a hoodie, like girl it is below freezing i need like jackets and boots n shit none of this “long skirt and a turtle neck :3” that’s not enough girl my city has nicknames because of how cold it gets here in the winter omfg

give me ideas on how to layer sweaters and leggings not “it’s cold today so i’m wearing a long sleeve & a cardigan :)” YOU DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

[seafoamchild]

january is a rough month. it feels like it's been january for like 3 weeks but it's only the 9th. the grey skies and general lack of color and warmth really gets me down. i feel like i'm always tired no matter how much i sleep. i feel so lacking in energy and motivation. and i feel so ugly too. i started using retinol on my face and i'm going through the "purge" period where my skin is breaking out. i really hope it'll get better after this. cuz having acne again is not chill. i'm not as self conscious about it as i once was, but i really do feel a little ugly. and i'm still reckoning with the changes in my body. i've definitely gained weight and sometimes i feel okay about it and other times (like now) i just can't believe it and i get into these shame spirals. i'm going to the gym a lot and still eating relatively well but i just feel very unattractive and blah.

i'm doing dry january too and i'm not sure if it's the right choice but i'm going to try it. it's only january 9th and i feel like it's been SO LONG and i want to drink SO BAD. no powders either. i have been thinking about my substance abuse issues for a while now and i think taking a break is necessary. i need to reassess my relationship with alcohol. i think getting out of the service industry would help a lot. i just hate that getting fucked up seems so necessary to have fun in so many situations. this is so hard.

a good thing is that i'm having a lot of fun with T. the more i get to know him the more i like him. he's funny, smart, willing to try new things, emotionally intelligent, social, kind, caring, doesn't take himself too seriously, a good listener, and a really loyal friend. he has a good heart. i'm really happy with him. we're doing dry january together and we've had so much fun going on adventures and cooking and watching weird documentaries. we're going to chicago next weekend and i'm really excited. he treats me the way i deserve to be treated and i hope i'm doing the same for him.

it just scares me a little because i still want to move to another city, even if it's just for a little while. and i don't want a boyfriend to hold me back. and i feel like it's too soon to ask if he wants to come with me. there are so many uncertainties. i tend to get so invested in relationships so quickly. so i need to talk about this in therapy.

i'm also still having the same issues with insomnia that i had with luke. every time we slept in the same bed i could not fall asleep. like at all. it's insane. i took a lunesta the last time T stayed over and i don't think i slept. like my body just will not let me be unconscious and i don't know why. it's absolutely maddening. i can't understand why this is happening and i'm so frustrated with people telling me to have a bedtime routine or to try meditating or take fucking melatonin. i know they're just trying to help but it's clearly a much deeper issue and i need professional help. my psychiatrist hasn't done anything helpful except prescribe me lunesta. i made an appointment with a sleep specialist but it's not til the third week of february. it's so fucking exhausting and annoying to want to just spend the night with T and i get up the next day feeling like absolute shit because i didn't sleep. i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!!

also i was in barcelona for christmas. it was so much fun. it honestly felt strange to be back in that city. familiar but not. i spent a lot of time there in 2016 and it was weird to be like, oh i remember eating breakfast in that mcdonald's with my friend hashi more than seven years ago. or how i used to take the blue line on the metro to crazy denise's house where i was living. but this time we balled out and spent so much money on food! christmas dinner was the best meal i've ever had in my life. and we went to museums and went on a roadtrip and saw castles and drank a lot of vermouth and reveled in the sunlight and laughed until we cried every single day. i really loved that trip.

i was somewhat of a control freak on the trip because i planned everything, but no one else seemed that interested in planning anyway. i don't know. i've been thinking about my flaws as a person. i'm super laid back sometimes and then so controlling other times. i'm so impatient. i think i'm better than everyone sometimes. i need praise and reassurance. maybe i just have a big, fragile ego. sometimes i feel like i'm selfish. but you know, none of us are perfect. i am trying. and this is where i'm at.

[bittermause]

End of the Year Review: A Three Year Act Edition

My birthday is ten days away, so I felt it appropriate to write another one of these End of Year Reviews before then. I decided to summarize the last two years since I didn't bother to do so after 2019. The motivation to do this came from regretting to not record and keep any of my previous EoY posts from 2018 and earlier. As I get older, those said years became a blur to me, which is unfortunate. But I digress, let's start things off with the glorious year of...

2020

The year when Covid went into full swing around the globe, but also the year of brand new beginnings and a year full of insane luck and precise timing. In 2019, literally the day after Christmas, I was offered a job as a 2D Animator for a unique Cybersecurity training firm in CA. After a brief moment of panic and my best friend convincing me to take a chance with this new venture, I agreed to move out west at the end of January, and start my new job in February. For first two weeks I stayed at an AirBnB close to my job, and eventually moved into a makeshift studio space attached to a family home that belonged to a fellow alumni's mother. I never imagined I would finally leave Michigan after 35 years of personal pain and misery, to have a job that actually paid a livable wage that was also synonymous with my career path, and be able to leave behind an environment that put me in a constant state of stress and depression. For the first time in ages, I felt truly blessed. In the Spring, my best friend and I started getting re-acquainted with an old mutual friend of ours that we seldom spoke to in years. We ended up spending weekend nights having three way calls, discussing creative projects and talking about life in general. Never thought I'd re-connect with them in such a way, but now we have a much tighter friendship bond than we did in the past.

2021

After being able to save a lump sum of money thanks to the low rent cost and full on public transit reliance, I finally acquired a car. It didn't take me long to get re-acquainted with driving on the road; not having to deal with the iconic pot holes and rough weather worn terrain made travel cakewalk. I took my time to discover some great local haunts, like GraphAids and Record Outlet. However, in October I realized that my body was out of shape, and when I weighed myself for the first time in forever, I was hitting 231 Lbs. I took it upon myself to start a weight and task log in order to keep track of CICO, and exercise again. ( I was rotating between DDPY, Ringfit and the mini-elliptical) I also acquired a nutritionist to guide me in making better decisions for my diet. When November rolled around, I came to the conclusion that I needed to move out of the little studio space and into my own apartment. While it helped me save a great deal of money, the space was tiny, I missed having a stove, and a washer and dryer nearby. My landlady was oddly avoidant on giving rent history to my soon-to-be apartment management, but come later December I was still able to get approval for a unit. That same month, I announced the end of my long running web comic The Shufflers. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, but a necessary one. I still think about whether or not I can pick it back up again, but only time can tell.

2022

No doubt, is perhaps one of my favorite years living out in CA by far. I moved into an upper level apartment, got promoted to Production Supervisor at my workplace, I traveled to Colorado Springs to hang out with my friend, got to visit The Academy Museum with my workmates and explored the Studio Ghibli exhibition, and roamed a little bit around my new city and found some neat shops and restaurants. Along with it's pleasures, also came with great internal struggles; even though I left my old life two years ago, some of the excess baggage was still clinging on to me, and my perception of self was still very unhealthy. I started receiving therapy in June twice a month, in order to help me untangle my past grievances with myself and to help me pull away from the people that caused it. These sessions have been a real eye opener, and keeping a journal based on each one has greatly helped. One of the hardest challenges I've ever faced so far was convincing myself that I am worthy of self love and respect, to undo the belief that I am an unlovable, creep-ass overweight toad, and stop hiding my honest feelings and insecurity behind a goofy ass mask. While it's been a painful journey, the self-discovery was worth it.

Plans for 2023

I'll be continuing my self-improvement goals throughout this year. Since last October, I went down to 202 LBS. Next year I'd like to hit 175 or less. (Ideally I should be aiming for 135 as the ultimate end goal, but that won't be likely for another year and a half). Outside of that, the other goals I'd like to achieve are;

Continue making Animated shorts.

Get contacts, particularly ones I can wear if I decide to go swimming.

Get my hair professionally colored. Been thinking of doing a red violet or dark purple.

Re-work my wardrobe more

Continue exploring and go to more events.

Work on an actual comic project again.

So far for all the goals I've set in previous years, I was able to attain them. I hope that I'll be able to continue that trend in the next year.

[katiebruce]

adios, amigo.

Well, 2020. What is there to say that hasn’t already been said, tweeted or Instagram-ed a thousand and two times about you? I’ll save us all the generic stuff—“unprecedented,” “nightmarish,” “absurd”—yes, 2020 was all of those things, but on a deeper, more personal level, there is so much more I have to say that doesn’t fit quite into those clichés.

So, this will be my attempt to document and reflect upon one of the strangest years I’ve encountered in my thirty-one years on this planet. Buckle up, buttercup.

Like many others before me have frequently observed, the way I spend my New Year’s Eve has always set the tone for the year to come, and boy, was this year a picture-perfect example of exactly that. Because I had to work on January first, I spent my New Year’s Eve at home watching a depressing movie with T, quietly kissing on the cold back patio as fireworks went off in the distance. I remember feeling both happy and sad about this evening (a duality that was a major theme for me for the fifty-two weeks to come, if only I had known). I was sad not to be celebrating my favorite holiday and even remember telling T that I didn’t want the year to come to be one I spent not going out, staying home, and becoming reclusive as I finished up the stressful process of finishing my MFA thesis in the course of ten (or, what I thought would be ten) short months.

But on the other hand, being held in T’s arms, I remembered feeling so happy that I could have this little quiet holiday—something that felt so private and personal—so entirely our own. It really set the tone for our relationship for the year, and for the obstacles we not only overcame together but dominated, one right after the next.

January was cold, snowy, and full of flight cancellations, which I remember to be something worth celebration at the time. I stayed home and snuggled my way into Aquarius season, the time for me and my brethren to shine, feeling positive that I had lived my thirtieth year to one of great satisfaction and maximum travels taken. (If only I had known then that that late-January El Paso layover where my crew and I walked across the border into Juarez to eat street tacos and laugh over Mezcal would be one of the only times I would leave the country for the year, well, I might have taken a few shots of tequila and really enjoyed my stay abroad just a bit longer).

February came, and with it, the promise of friends. My darling Kristopher, as always, flew to Chicago on the day of (also the day I completed and passed my eighth recurrent [!]) and, thanks to my other darling baby, Nicole, scored tickets to one of the highly coveted format reunion tour shows happening in March* for me, her, and my momma.

(*It did not, in fact, take place in March).

I turned thirty-one in the way I’ve come accustomed too—surrounded by my favorite people (this year at Dorians—a jazz club to end all jazz clubs) too drunk and too smiley to even coherently remember the evening properly. As much fun as I remember having, I told T that I thought it was my last year to host some sort of birthday gathering, and to hold me to it come next year. (He did very well—a few weeks later, after spotting an ad in a discarded newspaper for the Chicago tour of Moulin Rouge happening on my birthday weekend, we bought tickets and I sat peacefully with the fact that one of my new year (or, new age) resolutions was so quickly and poignantly adapted).

By this time, I was already deep in the throes of my first thesis writing course, meaning that I was pretty stressed out all of the time and surely a misery to be around (sorry to those of you who were). Basically, in three semesters’ time, I was expected to draft, edit, and rewrite a fully formed novel (70,000+ words) and the idea of accomplishing such a feat felt like a ton of bricks being carried on my shoulders. I had at least four mental breakdowns in the beginning of the year (again, we all know what lays ahead for the year, I know—but at the time, this seemed like an unbearable amount of stress for one person to have to carry. The joke is not lost on me).

In the coming weeks, things began to get even weirder. Covid scares began sprouting up in cities all around us, and as the government asked people to stay at home, airline ticket prices became massively reduced, so more people began traveling. I mean, this shit was like spring break on acid—it was hugely stressful, and though the threat of the pandemic had yet to reach Chicago, I felt more and more at risk with each passing day as careless amounts of people cashed in on what they thought was the deal of a lifetime.

By the time March reached its midpoint, I, like so many others, was terrified. We had no PPE at work—literally nothing. No gloves, masks, or even hand wipes. Cleaning the aircraft still wasn’t considered a “no-go” item, as far as regulatory practices go. I remember watching the news on my layovers only to keep myself up at night wondering if the virus was going to take hold of me or anyone around me, and if so, how long until they would recover, or perhaps wouldn’t.

St. Patrick’s Day came, and after fighting about whether or not to go out with friends (we didn’t—and for the record, T and I rarely fight—but this was, after all, his first St. Patrick’s Day as a Chicagoan—so his resentment was more than justified) we saw a matinee movie (Onward) and while in the theater, read about how Chicago restaurants, as a precaution, were shutting down the next day due to rising concerns about the spread of the virus. We reacted by grabbing drinks & lunch at one of our favorite neighborhood eateries and tipping the waitstaff more heavily than I think I’ve ever tipped anyone in my life (not mentioning this to brag, or whatever—just remembering what it was like to feel utterly helpless and unsure of what to do or what was to come—we had to find our positivity in some way, and on that day, this was how we saw fit, and it helped).

Then it all sort of happened at once—Lauren’s store was closed with no impending reopening date. The grocery stores (and I swear to god, I will never forget this) became a madhouse—people taking things out of other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. I remember going into Mariano’s with T and insisiting we tie bandanas around our faces for safety, feeling like a goddamn bank robber about to make a heist. But there was nothing left to even take. Frantically, we got what we could and got out of there, and I went home to have a full-fledged panic attack about the state of the world we were currently living in and what we were going to do if things didn’t turn around quickly.

As if overnight, everyone cancelled their airline tickets. It was for the better, and though it put my job in serious jeopardy, I was in massive support of it but still felt an eerie sadness looming around the countless empty airports, airplanes, hotels and city streets. There were times when my crew and I were the only guests in a place—times when I had zero passengers on a revenue flight. And then came the mass flight cancellations—and I mean mass. Everyday became a battle of anxiety as to what was going to happen to my job in the next twenty-four hours, and then cooing my stressed-out thoughts to sleep, only to relive the anxiety with every phone buzz waiting to find out if I had lost my job overnight. By mid-spring, I was hugely considering dropping out for a period of time, just due to the stress of it all, but thanks to support from my friends, family and T, I chose to stick it out and roll with as many punches as I could until I was finally knocked-out.

Quarantines were happening all around me, and without the ability to travel or the (former) grueling expectations of maintaining a social life, I started to reconnect with myself in ways that felt both organic and new, yet much like returning home after a long time away. Lauren taught me to knit, and we celebrated her birthday on the floor of our apartment in an Indian-food induced daze renting Emma and making thousands of tiny knots onto needles that would eventually become blankets. We took walks, did puzzles, and Lauren drove me to and from the airport on the rare occasion that I actually had a flight to work, as the CTA had, unfortunately, become a cesspool of targeted attacks on flight crew members (seriously) because they were often the only person in any given train car.

A rare glimpse of optimism then presented itself via two different opportunities: a chance to take a ninety-day leave from work, and a job offer in the form of editing a book for publication. I said yes to both and hoped that I would be able to take a step back and deal with the crumbling world around me easier with both of these opportunities now on my horizon.

This period of the year (May-July) started off swimmingly. Knitting, reading, and even smoking weed for the first time in nearly a decade (I took two hits and spent the rest of the evening sinking into the couch painfully aware of how bad I am at breathing and worrying that I might stop at any given moment). I fell in love with yoga and felt myself loosening up parts of my body and my mind that had been twisted into a series of knots for god only knows how long. I spent days reading in the sun, baking bread like everyone else in the world, and learning to make my own pies. Things were going really well, and I was even ahead in school, now on track to graduate in August—when things started getting heated.

I’m not going to go on a rant about race, although I very much could, but I will say this—the fact that we are still in a race war in this country in the year 2020 (and even now, a few days into 2021) makes me so sick to my stomach I don’t know what to do. Every injustice that passes by us, overshadowed by the next untimely death or wrongdoing makes me angry in ways that I cannot even fathom putting into words. It burns the color red that is so hot and so vibrant that I can see it soaking through my eyelids even when I squeeze them shut. This country lost a lot of love from me this year, and even more respect. There are not only things we can do better—there are things we must change. And honestly, most days, I don’t think most of the country is ready to not only admit that but to also work for. And that not only sickens me, but depresses the living hell out of me. I feel so stunted all of the time when I picture a world so at peace with its own injustice. It’s just so unfair.

I watched as the world was (rightfully, although woefully) destroyed around me. My neighborhood turned into a desolate, looted shadow of itself—one where Lauren and I could sit on our back patio safely until dusk, when the crime and gunfire became so rabid that on occasions, we sat in the living room in total darkness, listening only to the radio, afraid to let anybody at street level see that we were, indeed, at home. The opportunists that took advantage of the message of this movement made me numb to such a large demographic of the population, and I found myself crying myself to sleep enough times that I thought it might be time to leave the warzone that had become Chicago for a little while as escape down to Florida. So, we packed our bags and left. It is not lost on me that so many did not have this option, and for so many minorities, just simply existing during this time was enough to cause assault. I know I am fortunate—I carry it like lead in my pockets every day.

While in Florida, the first retailers began to reopen and I found myself waiting in an hour-long line to buy soaps and hand sanitizers, and to get a glimpse of what this “new normal” might look like when things started picking back up again. Like many, it was jarring to see empty tables, capacity limits on items, cashiers behind plexiglass sheets shouting to be heard over both the physical barrier and the cloth one strung across their faces.

By the time T & I arrived home, Lauren was already making plans to reopen her store “safely” and I felt sorry for her. How could anything be safe when nothing had changed? Why were companies acting as if business could go on like before—even though nothing had gotten better?

My final months of my MFA were just ahead of me, and I had one month remaining free from work to finish my first full-length novel, and I all I really remember is stress stress stress.

And then Andrew, being Andrew, offered a glimmer of hope, in the form of a drive-in concert celebrating fifteen years of Everything in Transit in southern California, a mere matter of hours from where Nicole had been working. It took a matter of two or maybe three text messages to confirm that we would be attending, and once the ticket was purchased I practically packed my bags and headed off to visit her and try and make light of my heart.

As suspected, the trip was magical. Being around Nicole, per usual, was magical. My heart felt so fully aligned seeing a little piece of her story and getting to experience her way of life once more—drunken hot springs and all their glory. There truly are few things in my life I love more than sitting in the passenger’s seat as Nicole drives us all over the country, and experiencing it again felt so right and so perfect that I honestly thought it was one of the happiest experiences of my life. Because I had requested so, she drove me all the way to Venice Beach the day of the concert so we could see where the infamous album cover was taken. We ate cbd gummies and listened to jack’s and ate in-n-out burger like our lives depended on it. When the concert began, it was eerie, yet hopeful to see all the new protocols of something that had become so familiar to me in my former life. Drinks were ordered through an app and delivered, as was merch, and clapping was replaced by the exuberant honking of car horns. We streamed the sound through the radio and laid the in the back of Nicole’s converted SUV as we cried and sang along to the songs that made everything, even just for one night, feel like it was all going to be okay again. We ended the evening marking ourselves with our first stick and poke tattoos—hers a sun to my moon, positioned to kiss one another when we stand next to each other on our preferred selfie side (lol). I left worried about how long it might be before I could feel her warm embrace again, the embrace of one of the truest friends I’ll ever know, but also recognizing that we were lucky to have had such an experience at all during such an insane year and feeling eternally grateful for its memory.

The last weeks of what I referred to as my Rumspringa were ahead of me, and one sunny afternoon I wrote the final pages of my novel. In a mad rush to edit, revise and complete my portfolio for official review, I never really sat with myself and what I had accomplished or congratulated myself; I wrote a book in seven months’ time, and even though I am unhappy with it (more on that later) there’s no denying that I actually did it. I did it, and nobody can ever take that away from me; it’s an accomplishment I will forever have, and it’s all my own. And I need to remind myself of that. I need to let myself feel proud.

I was back to work in September and taking a huge pay cut, though working the same hours. It was stressful, but once I found out my portfolio had been accepted and I, indeed, would be receiving my MFA I felt a bit at peace for a while. I had let my hair grow long all summer, and all but stopped wearing make-up (mascara makes me feel entirely dolled up now). I felt in an odd way free—almost bare.

The fall came and went fairly quickly—the weekends alone at home and grocery-store-only outings feeling more and more like normalcy. It had been such a tough, trying year, that it suddenly felt nice to just stand still for a bit. So, I did.

In a brief amount of time, I watched (safely) as friends got married, got sick, got older and fell in love. I watched, with great anxiety, as our country voted in the most important election of our lives so far and took the deepest breath I’d ever taken as I watched that man face defeat—although he’s yet to swallow it. I watched as ex-lovers had babies, got engaged and never really stopped to think twice about any of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the safety (and not in a lame, “safety-net” sort of way) of having T in my life has turned me into someone who not only craves quiet time at home, but really also sort of fell right damn into it very easily, though unexpectedly. I’ve heard the saying so many times before, but you really don’t realize everything is different once you find the right fit because that place feels like it’s always been home. I am grateful to not only have that now and moving forward, but most certainly throughout the trying, unstable times of 2020. In fact, I don’t know how I would have survived without it.

The holidays always creep up on me, and after being dealt a shitty hand from work (don’t even get me started, I’m still fuming) they came that much quicker. T & I were lucky enough to spend the holidays back home in the swamp, visiting my parents and his Dad. The time went by fast but was relaxing, fun, and reenergizing. We spent New Year’s Eve playing giant Jenga and yard Yahtzee with my parents in the cool, tropical winter of Florida. It was nice. We got tired right around 11, so we laid in bed until midnight talking, staying awake just long enough to share our new year’s kiss. It felt right—a proper send off to such a strange and unusual year. I was exctly where I needed to be—wrapped up in a blanket of T’s embrace, comfy in a bed in my childhood bedroom.

So now, here it is: 2021—the supposed upgrade to 2020, or so everybody secretly hopes. So now, as I sit here, drinking a warm, soy-chai latte (homemade!) I find myself having great difficulty setting an intention for the days ahead of me. I feel so beaten and bruised and physically fatigued for no reason but the experiences of 2020 and the courses they ran all over my life. I’m feeling reflective of having finished yet another year of my life (and my Saturn return! Halleluj!) and finding it hard to be anything but fatigued. I guess it’s from the year that’s just finished—more so than any other year it physically pained me at times to be alive at times. I’m missing so many of my friends who I haven’t been able to see for extended months at a time now. I am craving a sense of normalcy, of safety, so that I can feel better about making plans, but as for right now I just don’t have it. I am quietly trying to make subtle changes within myself and how I react to the world around me, but just like the start of this new year, that process is a slow one.

One of my resolutions (though I’m growing to hate that word more and more with each passing year) is to get back to writing. I had a good, albeit stressful, thing going while still in school, and after finishing my novel and receiving feedback, I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute failure. It’s still there—it’s really hard to try and celebrate an accomplishment when you don’t feel like your work was good enough to warrant anything at all—especially not a fine arts degree. I never said I was a fiction writer—I just wanted to get better at writing fiction—so I need to remember that and allow myself to veer away from that for a while, to work on something new. Something I’ve been saying I’m not ready to write for many years now, something that when I now say that is just a plain old lie: My memoir. I’m ready to close the chapter in my life where I am a flight attendant, so the timing feels more than perfect.

I learned so much about what I want to do within my career and what sort of boundaries I don’t want to place on myself—and I’m trying, I really am. T gifted me with my own pottery wheel for Christmas and we are going to set it up this weekend and I am so excited to get my hands muddy and start creating. Until this year, I didn’t realize how much I needed a creative outlet other than writing—I had been depending on it for too long, my little cup felt bone dry. So, I’m excited to see where this new hobby takes me and how it influences my ability to return to the blank page—quite literally.

I know this year will not be the quick fix that so many are hopeful for—I think quite the opposite, actually. But here are some things I know for sure will happen: I will move out of my apartment and in with T. We will then, immediately get a dog and a new apartment. This, alone, feels like enough to fill the pages of the blank year ahead of us. I will go long periods of time without seeing my loved ones, and without traveling (bleak as this lifestyle may be). I will write, even when it’s hard to. I will publish something—I’m at work submitting pieces as we speak, and though the process is slow, I can tell this is my opportunity—I am ready t fight for it. I will turn 32, and the numerology of my life will seem more aligned. I will spend my birthday at home, alone, because of course Moulin Rouge has now been cancelled (I’m fine with it). I will learn more about myself the more I use my hands to create, to plant, to sculpt, to mold. I will love with fervor. I will smile more, because it’s actually healthier for you, even though my black heart hates to admit it. If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get to attend a live concert, though I realize this might be wishful thinking at this point. I will do mushrooms and giggle with the colors. I will cry. I will hurt and I will cause harm. But through it all, I will persevere. Because if 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I am capable of regenerating into new versions of myself that I didn’t even have the time to dream up. I can adapt to whatever is thrown at me, though it will often times feel impossible. I can, and will, create. I can be reborn (as many times as I’d like to, too).

So, thanks, 2020, for teaching me more about myself than any other period of five years has ever taught me. I definitely feel like I’ve been through the ringer a couple of times, yet I find myself still standing day after day. It must be the way a domino feels, standing up, time after time, knowing that something right in front of you is about to knock you down. But instead of thinking about what I’m bringing down with me, I’m thinking of the entire collective as a whole—we are all experiencing this together. And maybe, just maybe, on the other side, there’s a kid with a smile waiting to do it all over again. And that’s perhaps where the beauty lays: we have to tear everything down in order to do better, be better, make change. Nobody likes to catch fire, but everyone loves rising from the ashes. We’ll all get to where we’re headed, one way or another. And eventually, I hope, we’ll see that the other side is better than we could have ever dreamt of.

I hope that 2021 is a bridge that brings us from destruction to creation. I hope the journey is long, so we all appreciate the outcome.

I love you all and wish you warmth and wellness into this year and beyond.

Happy new year—honor the circumstances you have around you and let them help you grow.

[creek-weasel]

i’ve been constantly scrolling through my photos of this year. it was the longest and shortest year of my life. the best and the worst. the most rewarding and the most disappointing. what a fuckin wild ride it’s been

January

I started 2020 dressed up, drunk, and in a ballroom in GR when I wanted to be drunk in the woods.

I spend the rest of January getting drunk in the woods or in dive bar booths.

February

Erich and I go to Detroit for Fat Tuesday and we eat and drink our way across the city. I decide I’m going to move to Detroit. 

Sarah and I go out every chance we get. We’re at every hockey game. We’re at every happy hour. We accept every invitation. 2020 was our YES year.

I decide if I’m moving to Detroit, why not kiss that cute bouncer from The Bird.

March

Continuing our year of YES, Sarah and I start a podcast and buy spitting distance ring-side tickets to Smackdown in Detroit. We get a hotel and plan on stumbling around the city and talking about all the things we’ll do when I live there.

The morning of, it’s cancelled due to concerns about the virus. I drive to Pittsburgh instead. Katie not-so-jokes that I should move there. I laugh it off.

April

I have a health crisis that I gave everyone entirely too much information about. My doctor isn’t seeing patients and diagnoses me over the phone. Sarah has to bring me medicine because I can’t walk.

I leave my doors unlocked at night because I am convinced I am either going to a) die or b) the EMT responders will have to break down my door if I don’t.

I didn’t die. But I don’t think Josh will ever recover.

May

Me and the boys go disc golfing a lot. I have outdoor movies and fires for myself once a week. I work from my hammock most days.

While walking in the county park I stop and realize the next place I live needs to have trees and water and parks like this. Detroit isn’t for me. Right there on River Loop, I decided move to Pittsburgh instead.

June

Marcus visits often and we do a lot of Molly and play Resident Evil. (Okay, he makes me play and I scream and he laughs at me) 

In between I become obsessed with getting the house ready to sell. I learn electric and plumbing work from YouTube. I put a lot of lipstick on that pig.

I go kayaking with my boys and drop my phone in the river. I feel like I deserve that.

July

I list the house on the 2nd and go to my mom’s for the holiday weekend so people can view the house. By the 4th, it’s sold. Independence Day. 

Sarah and I take a very spur of the moment trip to Pittsburgh to see an apartment I want. I don’t get it, and I’m devastated.

I respond to a random ad on Craigslist for the *perfect* apartment. I don’t have time to go back to the city so I immediately send in a signed lease and security deposit without ever setting foot in it. I spend the next month sweating that it’s a scam.

Me and the Salty Crew go to Beaver Island and explore the deserted island by ourselves. We get really high and look at stars. We see a rare comet with our bare eyes. We find a levitating tree while we look for a mysterious old growth forest. I think maybe I should move to Beaver Island instead of Pittsburgh.

The day after we come back from the island, I have my final divorce hearing over a Zoom call.

The next day I turn 31.

August

The house is packed up. I stay with the cute bouncer from the Bird and he makes me dinner and tells me how pretty I am every night. He cries the morning I leave town.

On closing day, the buyer makes me so frustrated and sad that I have a complete breakdown in my car before going in to sign the papers. I cry into my mask. I accidentally break a vase in the parking lot. This makes me cry into my mask more.

I pick up my keys and am relieved to find out the apartment isn’t a scam, and it is perfect after all. Very, very dirty. But perfect. Katie drives all the way from Virginia to help me unpack.

September

I take a lot of walks. I get lost often. I  make Helga go to beer gardens with me so I don’t look crazy drinking alone. I meet my first people.

I open my online shop.

October

I drive back to Michigan to be with my family at our yearly cabin reunion. We walked around and pointed out all of our favorite memories. We throw Dane a bachelor party and he elopes the following weekend.

I decide on a whim to go to a brewery with Helga. There’s another woman there with a bulldog. We hit it off immediately.

I become suspicious that maybe my apartment is haunted.

November

Walking. Working. Crafting. Walking. Repeat.

I start to find a groove and make a lot of sales in my new shop.

I visit my mom for Thanksgiving. We eat mac and cheese for dinner and get too drunk talking and laughing in front of the fireplace. 

December

After a date night with Amy, drunk on wine and charcuterie I decide to download bumble. It doesn’t last long.

We get a downfall of 9″ of snow and I walk for 6 miles in the thick of it around the city and admire how pretty my new home is.

I don’t want to be anywhere else.

[gwentoryfics]

okay thank you all for bearing with me this week 💕 i’m going to do a little summary of my adventures & the nct 127 concert after the cut (don’t want to take up too much blog space with this stuff since this is technically a pentagon blog). i should be pretty much back on track on monday, since i’m going to be traveling again this weekend.

if you don’t want to read below the cut: i’ve driven 24+ hrs for the sake of kpop and have 13 more to go, the concert was awesome AND i got offered the job that i’ve wanted.

yes, you read that right 24+ hours of driving. i moved to wisconsin about six months ago, but my best friend still lives in pennsylvania (where i’m from). so yes, i could have gone to the nct concert in chicago, but i drove all the way to pa (13 hours) so that i could take my friend to the concert in new jersey (which was another 4 hour drive). FRIENDSHIP.

she & i got to newark like 30 minutes before the concert started, got to the prudential center like 3 minutes before the concert started, and stood outside for like 10 minutes waiting for the freaking mobile tickets to load on my phone. cricket wireless sucks lmao but lesson learned: always load up your tickets at the hotel BEFORE you get to the venue.

thankfully we didn’t miss anything because they started about 10 minutes after 8pm. we had pretty good seats too, directly across from the stage and not too far back. i think they were technically p3 seats? i don’t remember.

the boys opened with cherry bomb, and each member got a little introductory dance break throughout the song. i don’t remember the rest of the song order, but they had a fantastic set list. there was a portion of the concert that was ballads & more mellow songs, and i nearly cried when they sang “no longer.” it’s not one i listen to very often, but i’ve never witnessed such heartfelt, vulnerable vocals live. it was so powerful and doyoung & taeil just simply amazed me with their talent (the other boys too, of course, but the two of them particularly stood out to me with the raw strength of their live vocals). 

they also premiered three new songs from their upcoming album and i’m so stoked for the new music to come out next month!! “jet lag,” “highway to heaven,” and “superhuman.” it was so cute - after “jet lag,” they paused to talk a little, and haechan said something to the audience to the extent of “that was so nice, didn’t it almost feel like we went on a date together?” and all of the other guys were like SDLKFJINIO STOP IT HAECHAN. 

after two hours, they wrapped up and said “we have just two songs left!” but of course everyone knows there’s going to be an encore. still, i saw people leaving after the boys left the stage, which was crazy to me. because once the boys came back, they premiered “highway to heaven” and “superhuman,” and i think they did some other songs too? WAIT after they did “superhuman” the oldest members went to get changed again while the younger members talked with us about the album. then the younger members changed while the older members did a contest to see who we thought was the coolest member lmao basically the whole encore added an extra 45-50 minutes of content. SO DON’T MISS IT.

anyway, the concert was incredible and nct 127 is so so talented and they all did such a good job with their english, too. they clearly put in a lot of work for this concert and i appreciate their dedication so much. 💕

after the concert my friend and i drove through the sketchiest part of newark to try to go to ihop, but ended up not eating there because it seemed so unsafe lmao probably the most stressful part of the trip.

yesterday after we left our hotel, we made a short trip to NYC even though we tell ourselves every single time that we’re not going to go into the city again. BUT there’s a kpop store and i wanted albums mwahaha (and also i needed more face powder from innisfree). i purchased the new stray kids & the new pentagon albums, and i’ll probably post some photos/videos of genie:us later. i’m so in love with it lol

got back to my house last night, and i have to drive another 3 hours today to get my friend back to her home. then i’m going to spend some quality time with my parents tomorrow, and on sunday my boyfriend, dog, and I are all piling into the car and making the 13 hour drive back to wisconsin. 

WAIT AND I FORGOT THE BIGGEST NEWS

I GOT THE JOB

AHHHHHH

there’s this healthcare software company that i applied to work for back in november. they had a technical writer position open (basically someone who writes documentation, nothing creative). i applied and got rejected after a phone interview. okay, whatever.

end of january, i decide to try applying again. i had added some freelance writing experience to my resume and i hoped that might help my chances. this time i was invited on-site for an interview. i think that happened towards the end of february? they said “we’ll let you know one way or the other in two weeks.”

two weeks passes, then another week, and another week. i kept getting in touch with my hr contact about it and she said over and over “i’m so sorry, we don’t have an answer yet but i’ll let you know as soon as we do.” okay, cool. i’ll be patient.

in the mean time, i took a job doing copy writing for a small marketing company. the healthcare software company finally got back to me at the beginning of april, saying that it’s a no this time. 

then last week, my roommate (my bf and i live with one of our friends) said he’s basically being forced to move to dubai for work, which means he can’t help us out with rent anymore, which means that my copy writing job will no longer be sustainable. i freaked out because now i have less than a month to get something figured out before he moves.

so i emailed my hr rep at the healthcare software company, saying ‘hey you considered me for a quality assurance position too, is there any chance that could work out since the writing position is a no go?’

and she got back to me this past monday saying ‘oh hey we actually just got approval to bring on more writers and we were talking about offering you the job. can i call you to chat about the details?’

UH YES OF COURSE YOU CAN

she offered me the technical writing job that afternoon, and i accepted wednesday morning. i’ll be making more than enough to support me and my bf (who can’t work right now due to a yet-to-be-diagnosed mystery illness - that sounds sassy but i swear it’s not, he’s actually very sick). i can actually afford rent and food for both of us and it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

i don’t start until the beginning of june, but i am so so so excited. i can’t believe that i can actually make a living wage doing something with writing. 

this ended up being way longer than i intended, and i don’t expect any of you to actually read this brain dump. i just wanted to share all of the fantastic things that are happening right now 💕

[catalinda04]

Carried Away Chapter 43: What a January it’s Been

Masterlist 

Though Lucy had asked the drama club students to keep Henry’s involvement in their production quiet, once Tom got involved, the kids found that all but impossible. Lucy had expected it, so she wasn’t that disappointed in them. Friday Lucy made her way to the stage for rehearsal, and found no less than 20 additional students waiting there.

“Are you all here to volunteer?” Lucy asked them excitedly, knowing full well they were waiting for Henry to arrive.

The students looked at each other awkwardly. Lucy smiled. “Henry isn’t coming today guys. That was a one time thing. Now you’re all welcome to stay and watch rehearsal, but if you’re not here for drama club, you have to go. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Lucy smiled at their disappointed faces as they turned to leave.

Rehearsal went the best it had gone up to that point. There were still some awkward spots, as the kids remembered the hints and tips that Henry and Tom had given them. Lucy had high hopes for the competition.

Lucy called Henry to tell him she would pick up a pizza on the way home. Over dinner Henry commented to Lucy, “Darling, I’m glad tomorrow is Saturday. You’ve been working too hard. We’re just going to relax together this weekend, right?”

“No, tomorrow night is the Movie Night fundraiser for my Travel Club, the group of students that I’m bringing to Europe this summer. You’re welcome to come, but you don’t have to.”

“Do you get to rest next weekend?” Henry asked concerned.

Lucy pulled up her calendar on her phone to show him her January events. “Next weekend is the dessert and drama fundraiser for the drama club, then the following weekend is competition. January is kind of a crazy month for me.”

Henry looked over the colorful phone screen. “Cupcake, when do you do anything for yourself?” he asked, concerned.

Lucy took a moment to think, “June. June is when I get to do stuff for me, except this June, because that’s when the student trip is. So maybe July this year.”

“This can’t be healthy, you need time to unwind.”

“This is how my winters go. I run myself ragged, doing 101 different events, until I inevitably get sick, then I’m forced to stop for a couple of days. But that can’t happen until the end of the month. We have our competition on the 31st. If we take first or second place, then we move on to the state level, so that will mean more rehearsal time, with a trip to the cities the following weekend.”

“Darling, that isn’t healthy. You need to take care of yourself.”

“It’s just January. February, you’re going to get sick of me being around all the time!” Lucy joked.

“I don’t think that could happen.” Henry smiled at her.

That night, Lucy fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. Henry carried her to bed, and tucked her in, before crawling in beside her. He glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It read 10:02. “In bed by 10:00 on a Friday,” Henry thought to himself, “never thought I’d see the day.” He smiled to himself and pulled Lucy into his arms, before dropping into a deep sleep.

Lucy awoke Saturday morning, feeling refreshed. As she ambled to the bathroom, it occurred to her that she didn’t remember going to bed the night before. “It’s like I’m a kid again, fall asleep on the couch, wake-up in bed. Sweet.”

Deciding, she didn’t want to be up for the day yet, Lucy returned to the bedroom. Henry wasn’t awake yet, but a part of him was definitely “up”. She climbed back into the bed, and snuggled herself against Henry’s side. Kissing his shoulder, she stroked her hand over his chest. He smiled in his sleep. Lucy’s hand continued its exploration across his abs, while her lips sought out his nipple, hiding in his swirls of chest hair. Henry groaned in his sleep.

Lucy’s hand dipped lower across Henry’s torso, finally wrapping around his impressive manhood. Henry’s eyes popped open. “Good morning Darcy.” Lucy murmured, pressing another kiss to his chest, her hand slowly pumping up and down his length.

Henry groaned. “Good morning. This is quite a wake-up,” he sighed, working to not let the sensations overwhelm him.

Lucy smiled, “Well, I was awake, and so was he. I didn’t want to let it go to waste.” she explained, sliding her leg over his torso to straddle him, releasing twin sighs with Henry when she slid his length into her.

“Yes, we wouldn’t want to be wasteful.” Henry grinned sleepily at her, weaving his hands with hers he sat up, bringing their lips together. Henry drank in her mouth like a man in the desert. His hands caressed her back, gripping her bottom to bring her closer, his lips tracing patterns across her neck.

When he could take no more, he rolled Lucy under him, wrapping her legs around his arms, and leaned heavily into her, his hips rolling to caress every nerve she possessed. He watched her come apart in his arms, before increasing his pace for the last frantic thrusts that would send him over the edge after her. He collapsed on top of her, both of them breathing heavily.

When Henry made to roll off of Lucy, her arms tightened around him. “Stay. I like the weight. I like feeling you on top of me.” He stayed for several more beats, before rolling them to lay on their sides, face to face, her leg thrown over his hip. Lucy sighed contentedly. “This is what I pictured when I pictured us living together; lazy weekend mornings, waking up together.”

He leaned close, to kiss her. “It is a pretty spectacular way to spend a morning,” he agreed.

Lucy found Henry to be almost more of a hindrance than a help during her travel club’s movie night fundraiser. Many of her drama students were also in the travel club. They were so excited to talk to Henry, that Lucy had to shoo them away to do something productive, though she smiled wistfully from across the room watching him interact with her students. He was never impatient at their questions, and let them show him what needed to be done.

The rest of the weekend passed easily, though Lucy could tell Henry was starting to go a bit stir crazy. He needed a hobby.

Tuesday evening, Lucy arrived home to find every towel she had ever owned draped across just about every surface in her kitchen. “What happened‽” she asked, trying to find a dry place to set down her purse.

Henry looked sheepish. “Well, you know how the kitchen faucet has a drip, well I thought I could mend it. I watched several videos on youtube; it didn’t look very difficult. It’s harder than it looks.” Henry explained himself. Lucy bit her lip attempting not to laugh at the image in her head. “And is it fixed?” she asked turning to the sink, to see the faucet drip more than it did before. “I’m guessing not.”

“No, it isn’t. But tomorrow, I head to the DIY store, to buy a new faucet, which is apparently something I need to get, and your father is going to come assist me. So tonight, if you would, please go online and pick which faucet you’d like, so I know which one to buy.”

Lucy shook her head at the onslaught of information Henry had thrown at her. “You, and my dad, are going to do a plumbing project? And I won’t be here to film it? I should call in sick tomorrow, this could be funnier than anything I’ve ever seen before.”

“Why do you say that?”

“My dad is very...precise in the way he works. Just do whatever he tells you, and you’ll be fine.”

Lucy showed Henry how to use the clothes dryer, so that they could use the towels the next day, should the plumbing decide to attack again. It wasn’t until later when they were watching something on TV, that Lucy remembered she had a question for Henry.

“Ryan and Andi want to know if we want to go curling with them on Friday.”

“Curling?” Henry asked confused.

“You know, the ice sport, with the brooms.” she made a sweeping motion with her arms.

“I know what it is, but I’ve never done it before.”

“Would you like to try? It’s one of the only winter sports I like, because it’s inside.”

“I think that would be fun. Plus it will keep you from falling asleep at 8:00 on a Friday night!”

“I’ll tell Ryan tomorrow then. I think you’ll like it.”

Friday, Lucy and Henry met Ryan, Andi, Emma, Joshua, and another teacher that Andi worked with and her husband, at the curling club for a quick bite before going to the ice. Henry proved to be a decent curler, especially for someone who had never done it before. The four couples went to a bar nearby after finishing their game for a few drinks. They didn’t close down the bar, but it was after 11 when they got back home. Henry had accepted a place on Ryan’s men’s league curling team. Lucy was happy to see her boyfriend and guy friend getting along.

“Darling, how far is Duluth?” Henry asked out of the blue Sunday morning. Lucy was grading a stack of papers and Henry was answering e-mails.

“It’s about an hour.” She called back, and was answered by a laugh from Henry. “What’s the laugh for?”

“Do you know you do that? I asked how far it was, and you told me how long it would take to get there.”

“Well, that’s what you really want to know isn’t it?” She called back logically.

“I guess you’re right.” Henry acquiesced, seeing the reason in her argument.

“What are you doing in Duluth?”

“Dany found a trainer for me to work with. I need to get back to the gym. The trainer is in Duluth. I’ll be going 4 days a week.”

“It’s not a horrible drive, unless it snows, then it could be miserable. When do you start?”

“Tuesday.”

“Well, at least it will give you something to do during the day. You’ve been prowling around this house for 2 weeks. I was afraid you were going to get cabin fever and go crazy!”

“No, I knew the training was coming, so I was just enjoying my time doing nothing. You may enjoy packing in historical sites on your vacation, but I like to do nothing.”

The day of the One Act Competition arrived. Lucy was nervous for her kids. They had worked so hard, but only the top 2 plays went on to the state competition. She knew, and they knew, statistically it was a long shot, but they were going to give it their all.

Lucy’s phone buzzed in her pocket while she was helping the kids with their costumes and makeup. She looked at her screen to find a message from Tom. It was a video message to the kids. She gathered them around to watch.

“Hello thespians. I know you have all worked incredibly hard, and put in countless hours to make this show as perfect as you can make it. I want to wish you luck, break a leg, and remember to have fun. Drama lets you live in someone else’s shoes for a time, do them proud.” He then kissed both of his hands, blew them at the group, and waved goodbye, before the video stopped.

“Well, guys, if nothing else comes of this, you’ll be able to say that you know Tom Hiddleston.” She glanced at the clock. “We’re almost up, everyone ready? Then let’s go.” She led the group out of the room they were using as their dressing room, and backstage. Henry caught-up with them just before they reached the stage door. He helped the group arrange their minimal set pieces, and went to find a seat in the auditorium. Lucy stayed backstage to watch, and help with a tricky costume change.

At the end of the day, the group finished third. They would not be moving on, but did receive a trophy for the case at school. Lucy snapped a picture of the whole group with the trophy for the school’s newspaper, and sent a copy to Tom.

“Ms. C? How could we not win?” Patricia asked dejected. “We had both Tom and Henry helping us!”

“Patricia. Honey. We finished third. Out of eight groups. Last year, we finished seventh out of seven. Don’t look at it as not winning. Look at how far you’ve come. The schools that won, those kids spend weeks every summer at drama camp. They eat, sleep, live, drama. And you guys almost beat them. I’m so proud of all of you. Though I was proud of you last year in seventh place too. You all set out to put on a play, and you did. And you did a great job at it too. Now, grab a pillow and let’s finish loading the van so we can go to our celebration dinner!”

After the competition, the whole group went out to dinner to celebrate their third place finish, finishing the play, and having their free time back. They invited Henry to come with. While they were eating Lucy handed out awards. There were the standard MVP, and Rookie of the Year awards, but there were also several funny awards, such as the Turtle Award, for Audrey, who was perpetually late to practice, and the Songbird award, to Jay who even last week had asked if they couldn't switch to a musical. When Lucy finished handing out awards, she sat to eat her dessert, and Audrey stood.

“Ms. C. We have a couple of things we’d like to say. I was chosen as the speaker for the group. First we’d like to thank Henry for his time and willingness to help.” She opened a bag Lucy hadn’t noticed before, and produced a hoodie with the school's logo emblazoned on the front . Henry’s eyes misted over as he accepted the sweatshirt from the kids. Lucy could barely see through the tears in her eyes. She was unaware of the gift the kids were presenting, but was so proud of them for the gesture. Audrey continued, “We also have one for Tom, if you would be willing to send it to him Ms. C.” Audrey produced a second hoodie and handed it to Lucy.

“I can take care of that, though I think you should all write a little note, and we’ll send it along with the hoodie. This is very sweet of you all to do this.” Lucy commended her group.

“We’re not done yet. We have something for you too.” Audrey stopped her. “Ms. C, our fearless leader. You’ve put up with a lot from us, but you’ve never stopped believing in us. This is just a small token of our thanks.” Audrey finished, producing an enormous, 5 lb. Hershey bar out of the bag. Lucy laughed through her tears.

“Thank you all. You’ve worked so hard this year, and though we aren’t moving on, please don’t let that diminish all that you’ve accomplished. Now let’s get the check and get out of here, it’s been a long day, and I want to go home!”

“The check has already been taken care of, dinner is on me tonight everyone.” Henry announced, standing. “Thank you for the sweatshirt, I will wear it proudly. I just hope that when you become famous actors and actresses, you remember to thank myself and Ms. Claussen in your acceptance speech.” Lucy couldn’t contain herself, she wrapped her arms around Henry and gave him a quick kiss, for being so sweet. Which earned a rousing “whoo” from the group.

Chapter 42             Chapter 44

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader

ao3

Summary:  You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events…

Chapter 39: Blind Tiger

January melted into February. Or it would be more accurate to say melted and refroze as the snow turned to sleet and ice.

Every day seemed to make your stomach bigger, though women simpered about how tiny and cute your little baby bump was whenever you left this damn house.

But it was really starting to get in the way. Especially in the bedroom. No, Ramsay didn't say anything about it, and he never missed an opportunity to fuck you, but to you... it was just... awkward in a way. Having sex was becoming taxing, trying to find a position that wasn't uncomfortable.

But, your girls were back in the city. Ramsay seemed content. He hadn't even bitched about his boring desk job since finally returning to work. And he was no longer drowning in excessive bottles of liquor. He had cut back a lot. Ever since you killed the Targaryen. He still drank every day, just not as much. Theon Greyjoy had been spotted two days ago. However, there were only 5 short days until you found out what Baby B was. It scared you senseless. You were no closer in figuring out how to keep your husband safe.

Life at the safe house was boring. You spent half the day sleeping or reading. Charlotte came to stay with you a lot. It was nice to have another female to hang out with. You missed Liz and Kaden, but Liz was now too sick to leave her house.

She had called you the night before last and cried to you about how much pain she was in. How she regretted the idea of chemo. She should have just pushed for surgery. It hurt you to hear her so down and miserable. She was always so head strong and encouraging. You wished you knew what to do to help, anything to make her smile.

Your mother had called you a week ago, all in a dither that Eli was apparently getting married. Eli and Jeyne were going out there this weekend, so Mom and Dad could meet her. Eli had been very distant with you since that night at dinner. Not that you could blame him, but damn. You had just become cool with him again.

You had lunch a couple of times with Whit and Jared, when they didn't have to immediately get back home after their 'coffee bean' runs.

"Oh yeah, mom and dad are ectastic that we get to use our flight skills for more than just med evac. Dad said, coffee beans was a funny investment, but as long as it put money in our pockets and made us happy. Going to put Kasey in traveling cheer squad this summer. She will be so excited."

Well, at least your Sheep were prospering. Ramsay had set up the schemes to buy all the land you had wanted, and construction for new businesses were in the works. You had gotten in touch with the Martell's to grow on land your Sheep had set up, as well as building more secure labs, though marijuana was the best choice to go with, for you personally. At least it was naturally occurring. You didn't really want any part in synthetic shit, to which Ramsay begrudgingly obliged.

"What do you want to do for your boyfriend's birthday?" Ramsay asked, looking up from the laptop he had been absorbed in for the last two hours.

"What?" You asked, marking your place in the book you had been reading.

"Matt. His eighteenth birthday is tomorrow." Ramsay said, glancing at the sleet tinking on the windows.

"I dunno. I figured he and Ty would spend the day together. Thought maybe I would talk you into giving him a decent amount of money for him to blow on stupid shit." You shrugged, pulling your blanket up around you, trying to ignore the annoying urge to pee for the sixth time in the last hour and a half.

"Sure." Your husband replied, lighting a cigarette and going back to whatever it was he had been doing. Numbers by the sound of pen scratching on paper, furious muttering, and deep sighs. "It's fight night. Want to go? Thought I'd take you to dinner and then to the ring."

"Um... sure? I've never been." You shrugged, yawning and rubbing your belly.

You closed your eyes with a small smile, breathing slowly, and deeply when... it happened.

You gasped, threw your eyes open, and sat up straight.

Ramsay looked up, alarmed, half rising from his seat.

"I felt it! I felt the baby move!" You said excitedly, looking down at your belly.

"Sure it wasn't just some weird body function?" He asked, raising a brow and closing the computer.

"Positive." You said excitedly. You stared hard at your belly and gave another gasp after a few moments of silence, "yes! I can feel the baby. Oh my god."

Ramsay leaned back in his chair and watched you with a rather uncharacteristically warm expression.

You both simply stared at one another until finally Ramsay stood from his seat and gave a deep stretch like a cat.

"Were you ever good at math?" He asked, cracking his knuckles and frowning at his notebook.

"Well I can find x." You replied, knowing your answer wasn't good enough. "Why?"

"I'm missing something. A variable or... I don't know." He said slowly.

You said nothing. Finally he shook his head slightly, scratching his jaw and turning to you.

"Dinner?"

"Whatever. It's gotten to the point where as long as I eat it doesn't matter. Heartburn doesn't discriminate it seems, either. But I would really love bell peppers."

"You make my life so easy." He chuckled, walking down the hall.

You watched him leave with a grin.

"I suppose I can dress for comfort?" You called from the closet. You turned to look at Ramsay as he entered the room. His faded jeans and band shirt were enough of an answer.

"You're very fond of this old rag." You said, picking at his shirt as he pulled his leather jacket on.

He shrugged, "first concert. Met Alyn there, actually."

"Oh?" You said, pulling your hoodie on.

"Yeah. We were fourteen. Gave him a bloody nose in the mosh pit. Then I saved his life from some big dude after he got caught making out with the dudes drunk woman. Rolled one behind the venue, and the rest was history. He just kind of stuck around. Father always hated my Boys, so I kept them close. Anyways, burgers and shakes? We can buy your bell peppers on the way back home."

"Burgers and shakes sound wonderful. On one condition." You nodded, pulling your hood up and grabbing your wallet from your purse.

"What's that?" He asked, ushering you out of the house.

"The fries have to be perfect for the shakes."

"Shake fries. Maybe you could market that." He chuckled, helping you into the Jeep.

Ramsay had had the Jeep repainted, tagged, and replaced the vin number. Made you a bit sad, but, safety first, right? Right.

"So, what am I to expect?" You asked, finishing your shake.

"It'll be loud. But what's better than a few beers and watching people beat the shit out of each other? Wonder if anyone good is fighting tonight?" Ramsay said, dropping his cigarette butt out of the cracked window.

He shifted in his seat, pulling his gun and knife, sliding both under the seat. You watched him with a raised brow.

"They check at the door." He shrugged, opening his door.

You met Damon, Charlotte, Ben, and to your excitement, Kaden at the front gates.

The boy rushed you, hugging you tightly.

"Aunt (y/n)! Look!" Kaden practically shouted, pulling his cap off.

"Oh goodness. What happened to all your hair?" You asked, kneeling down and running your hand over his fuzz.

"I did it for mommy." He said, eyes bright.

You looked up at Ben who gave a half shrug and sad smile.

"Liz had a meltdown and said fuck it. Says she was gonna lose it all anyways, might as well get on with it." Ben said, hurt lacing his words.

"But can I tell you a secret?" Kaden said, motioning you closer.

"What's that, hon?" You asked quietly.

He leaned into you, "it will grow back. Just like mommy's."

You gave a small, watery laugh, realizing you were emotional, "yes. Yes it will."

"Come on son, let's get out of the cold." Ben said, as Kaden put his hat back on.

You watched the boy with a fond smile, as Ramsay laced his fingers in yours and tugged you along.

Ramsay led you to a row of seats, close to the ring. Maybe too close for your liking.

"Want something to eat or drink before I send Dame off?" Charlotte asked, sitting behind you.

"I'd love a sprite or something." You replied, glancing back at her.

"Sure thing, sweetheart." She replied.

You watched Ramsay's profile, but he seemed unemotional as his eyes scanned the crowd.

Someone fell into the seat beside you. You turned quickly to see Tyene. She smiled brightly at you as Matt sat on her other side.

You hugged her warmly, "hey."

"Hey yourself. I was excited to hear you were coming. We miss you." Tyene said, looking past you to glare at your husband.

"I miss you all. But, gotta keep this baby safe." You said, placing your hand on your belly.

"Mama was saying how cute you looked yesterday when you swung by." Tyene smiled.

"I was sad you weren't there. But, I heard you were in good hands." You grinned, watching Matt shrug out of his coat.

Tyene shrugged, but grinned broadly.

"Speaking of, what are we doing tomorrow?"

Tyene chewed her lip and gave another shrug, "dunno. Thought we would party it up tomorrow night at Alyn's club or something."

You nodded, "just text me and lemme know."

You made it through two fights before becoming slightly bored. You stole glances at your husband, who looked equally as bored, as he slouched in his seat and jiggled his foot.

You were going to suggest blowing this joint and maybe sneaking into a movie when the boredom flipped completely. But not into excitement.

The final two fighters of the night. Loras Tyrell, which meant the Tyrells and Lannisters were here. And none other than this infamous Jon Snow that your husband hated with almost as much passion as his obsession for you.

When the man took the ring, Ramsay sat up straight and rigid, eyes narrowed to cold slits, jaw clenched, and fists balled.

You caught Damon and Ben exchanged glances.

You watched how Ramsay watched this Snow guy. It was calculating and almost hungry. Like a starving wolf, in the dead of winter, watching a herd of deer run past.

You opened your mouth to say something to him but Damon made a frantic gesture with his hand, catching your eye, and shaking his head fervently.

You closed your mouth again and turned your eyes to the ring.

They were both fast, but Loras was not consistent. After three rounds, Snow had ended it.

The noise of the crowd was loud and excited as Snow was paraded around the ring in triumph by the ref. He looked solemn and uncomfortable at all the attention.

The stands had mostly cleared before Ramsay finally came back down to earth and stood, fists still balled.

You held on to your empty cup, trying to think of something to say. But what was there to say?

You followed him quietly to the lobby, where you bade Matt, Tyene, Ben, and Kaden good bye, giving Kaden about 15 extra hugs and threatened him to be a good boy for his mommy and daddy. To which he assured you he was always good.

You threw your cup away when a group of Lannisters and Tyrells pushed past you, all practically running toward the exit. It puzzled you.

You turned to Ramsay to ask if he had seen but to your surprise you found him pushing through the crowd in the other direction, Damon tearing off after him.

You exchanged a look with Charlotte and followed in their wake.

"SNOW!" Ramsay shouted, pushing people aside.

"Oh god. Please no." You sighed, hurrying to catch up to your husband.

"Bolton." Jon replied, inclining his head slightly, turning from the news crew and the red head on his arm.

"I'm calling you out." Ramsay growled.

"Baby, do you think that..." You started, halting at Ramsay's side, but stopping in midsentence as he gripped your arm and gave you a murderous look.

Jon Snow stood there, glaring at Ramsay in dislike. The woman at his side, glanced you and your husband over before leaning into Jon and whispering in his ear. He gave her a perplexed look when she pulled away and she wore an arrogant smirk, meeting your gaze.

You curled your lip and glared back at her.

"No." Jon finally spoke.

The red head rolled her eyes, turned on her heel, and stormed off.

"Pussy." Ramsay sneered, but his smirk dropped when his phone rang. "What?" He barked when he answered. His face hardened, "no. Do not engage." He hung up and turned to you, pushing you rather roughly along in front of him.

Damon gave you a look of sympathy as you were pushed past him.

Ramsay said nothing until he got to your door at the Jeep. He pushed you into the cold door and grabbed your face.

"If you ever make a fool of me like that in front of people and question my actions ever again, it will be the last thing you ever do." He hissed in so much venom that for the first time you were completely afraid of your husband. He meant it. The ice in his bite made it unmistakable.

You swallowed, dropping your eyes as the tears lined your lower lashes, "yes sir. I'm sorry. I just... I don't want you to get hurt."

Ramsay released you, running the back of his hand along your cheek. He placed his finger under your chin and pulled your face up to his. He placed a kiss to your lips, but said nothing.

"I'm taking you home, then I have to see what the fuck is going on." He helped you into your seat and slammed the door.

"Stannis." You said, remembering what Olyvar had said.

"What?" Ramsay said, glancing over at you in confusion.

"The day I met Oly at the bar to sign paperwork and went to lunch... He told me that Renly had gone into hiding and that Stannis was going to make a move on the Lannisters before the idiot boys wedding. But then I saw the Stark girl and forgot all about it. So sorry baby. I figured you'd know anyways." You said, tumbling over the words as they fell from your mouth.

Ramsay watched you as he sat there waiting on the red light to turn, lights and sirens coming from behind. He said nothing as the cop cars soared past. He cleared his throat and lit a cigarette.

"So?" You asked.

"Nothing. We will go home and that's it. As far as I am concerned neither side makes a difference to me. Maybe they will all kill each other. I have no ties to any of those cunts. Guess we will see what happens when the smoke clears tomorrow morning."

×××

"Party tonight?" You asked, looking up from Tyene's message.

Ramsay shrugged, looking up from his computer, "sure. But tell your snake we are partying my way. And I need to meet the kid at one o'clock downtown on the corner of Fifth and Kings Road."

"Um, okay? What are you doing? You've been quiet all morning." You questioned, sitting up from the couch.

"Numbers. And background cheks. This woman your brother is marrying... she's interesting."

"Interesting, huh?" You asked, with a jealous bite.

Ramsay noticed it and laughed, "jealous? Jealousy bores me, doll. You've nothing to fear. I just meant her family. They have bad blood with the Lannisters. Found articles and police reports. Aparently aren't very popular with Tywin's brother. Maybe that's why she didn't laugh or seem surprised at dinner. She's a couple years younger than you. Been in the service for six years."

You listened to him ramble his useless facts on your soon to be sister in law.

There came a knock on the door and you saw Ramsay crinkle his brow in confusion before he rose from his chair.

He opened the door and Damon stepped in.

"Robb Stark. He's looking for you."

Ramsay clicked his tongue and smirked.

"Tell him to meet me at the shop at six. Then we are going to the club for the kids birthday. I only need you with me when I meet the cop."

"Yessir." Damon nodded, clutching his keys and phone.

"Why did you come all the way up here instead of just calling?" Ramsay asked, crossing his arms.

"Because he's security detail this morning." You spoke up, putting your book down.

Your husband looked between you and Damon, who gave a half shrug and nod.

"I thought that was Friday?"

"Babe, it is Friday." You said, furrowing your brows slightly.

"Hm. Interesting." He hummed, leaving the room.

"He good?" Damon asked quietly.

You shrugged, "he's been a bit off for a couple days."

"When's your appointment?"

You heaved a sigh, "Wednesday."

"Ah. I see." Damon nodded, glancing around the mostly empty house.

"This is a pretty dress." You said, pulling the navy blue dress from the bag.

"I thought it would look good on you. Classic waves. Pearls. You have two hours." Ramsay replied, throwing a box of shoes on the bed.

"Why are we dressing so nice to get the kid fucked up for his eighteenth birthday?" You asked, examining the highly polished, black shoes.

"Rite of passage."  

Ramsay walked in the bathroom, fixing his cufflinks as you pulled the last if the curlers from your hair. You felt your cheeks warm as you glanced at him in the mirror.

"Why do we look like we belong in the thirties?" You asked, turning to him.

"Dress code." He said, adjusting his tie and placing his fedora hat delicately on his perfectly slicked hair. You just noticed he had gotten a haircut while he was out.

"Where are we going?" You asked, turning back to the counter to find your lipstick.

"It's a surprise."

"Who are we meeting?"

"Matt, your snake, Dame, Charlotte, and Alyn."

He clasped your strand of pearls around your neck, fingers lingering longer than needed as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip.

"Alright, doll. First we meet with Stark, then we meet up with the gang."

"I'm following your lead." You smiled, putting your makeup away.

"You will hold your tongue, understood?" Ramsay said, throwing open the conference room door.

You nodded, entering the dark room, as Ramsay flipped on the light. You took a seat and ran your hand over the smooth surface of the polished table.

Ramsay leaned against the table beside you, glancing down at his watch. He tutted in annoyance.

"I really hate when people don't have the courtesy to be on time."

"You'd really hate my mom then. She'll be late to her own funeral." You giggled, tapping your foot on the ground, as you smoothed out your dress.

Moments later Damon entered, looking just as clean cut as Ramsay. You almost didn't recognize him and took a few moments of staring to realize who it was, as he swept his hat off his head and tucked it under his arm, leaning against the wall as Robb Stark walked in stiffly. The news reporter, Talisa a step behind him.

"Let's waste no time, I'm in rather a hurry this evening." Ramsay said, taking a seat beside you.

Robb made to sit across the table but Ramsay held up his hand, "gun on the table."

Robb scowled, pulling his gun and placing it on the table.

Ramsay glanced at you, "check her."

You rose from your seat, walking around the table to Talisa.

"Is this really necessary?" Robb asked, stiffening even more.

"Just a precaution." Ramsay said, lighting a cigarette.

You gave Talisa a small smile, "Sorry. But, safety first." You pat her down, "oh! I love your shoes."

"Uh... thanks?" She said, standing just as stiffly as Robb.

You pulled away from her and returned to your seat.

Robb and Talisa took their seats, both looking very awkward and uncomfortable.

"So, you got my message?" Ramsay asked, resting his elbows on the table.

"Yes. I did. You're a hard man to find." Robb said, with a nod.

"I like it that way. But I've been watching you. Nosing around in things that will get you killed. I would hire a professional hacker next time you try to find me. Now, before I say any more, why have you been meeting with my father?"

Robb eyed Ramsay closely, "he's helping me find my sister."

"Why? What's in it for him?" Ramsay asked, masking his confusion, but not before you took note of it.

"Don't know. He came to me and said he was sorry about my father and offered his help." Robb said, looking down at his hands as he rested them on the table.

You could see the strain in his face. Poor guy. Trying to play by his law abiding, police rules.

"Hm. Well, I am afraid I lied about having your sister. However, I know who has her. But locating her physical being has been difficult." Ramsay said, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

"Who?" Robb asked at once, snapping his head up.

"Hold on there, detective. What's in it for me?" Ramsay chuckled.

You gave him a side eye, frowning at his enjoyment by keeping this poor man in the dark.

"Bolton, I'm a cop. I don't make near enough what you're asking for." Robb said with a frustrated sigh, running his hand over his face.

Ramsay smirked, putting his cigarette out in the ash tray on the table, taking his hat off, and placing it in your lap.

"And I am just a simple banker, who owns a garage."

"Please. Name your price." Talisa spoke up, grabbing Robb's hand tight.

"Alright, how about this... Give me Theon Greyjoy and I will deliver your sister to you. Bring me Theon and his uncle, Euron Greyjoy and I will give you your sister and fifty k."

Robb gaped, "Theon? Why?"

"That's my business. Deal?" Ramsay said, a grin twitching the corner of his mouth.

"I can't. I don't even know where he is. He never came back to work." Robb admitted, chewing his lip.

The grin spread like poison on Ramsay's face.

"Seem to be losing everyone close to you, huh?"

Robb gave an ugly scowl and made to stand. Ramsay pulled back his jacket to reveal the gun strapped to his chest. Robb sat back in his chair.

"Do we have a deal?" Ramsay asked, rising from his chair, pulling the gun.

Talisa gasped, casting around wildly as Damon stepped in front of the only exit, hand tucked away inside his jacket.

Robb sighed, "Do I even have a choice?"

Ramsay laughed, "And I thought all Stark's were slow on the uptake. Look at it this way, you both walk out of here and never mention this meeting to anyone, you give me what I want, I give you what you want. Easy, right?"

Robb gripped the arms of his chair, "and if I bring the whole department down on you?"

Ramsay sucked his front teeth and gave an eye roll. He lazily held his gun up at Talisa.

You watched her eyes widen and color drain from her face.

"If you try anything stupid, well..." Ramsay said, pulling the trigger.

Talisa screamed as the shot rang out, and a hole appeared in the wall feet behind her. Ramsay had just missed grazing her cheek.

Robb jumped up, lunging for his gun, but Ramsay pulled a knife from nowhere it seemed and buried it in Robb's sleeve, pinning him just out of reach of his gun.

Talisa was sobbing hysterically into her hands, and Robb was fuming. Ramsay glanced at the shocked, sobbing woman in distaste.

"Now. Do. We. Have. A. Deal?" Ramsay asked, fingering the handle of the knife.

"Yes." Robb said weakly, shoulders dropping.

Ramsay wrenched the knife from the table with a satisfied grin and held out his hand. Robb shook it reluctantly.

"Because I'm such a good guy, I'll give you a clue on your sister. Joffrey Baratheon."

Robb eyed Ramsay, snatched his gun from the table, helped Talisa from her chair, and ushered her from the room.

"Remember, if you speak a word of this, your graves are already dug!" Ramsay called after them with a malicious laugh.

Once they were gone you turned to your husband, as he took his hat back from you.

"The Lannisters don't have her though." You said bluntly.

Ramsay chuckled, "I know. But I like watching cops chase their tails. Now, let's get the fuck outta here. We have a long night ahead of us."

"What is this place?" You asked, snaking your arm around Ramsay's waist as he led you down a flight of cobblestone steps to a thick door. There was a small sign above the door that read "Naked Man".

Ramsay only gave you a smirk as he knocked on the door.

You glanced back at Damon, Charlotte, Matt, Tyene, and Alyn. They had all dressed like you and Ramsay. It was like looking back in time.

An eye hole in the door slid back. Ramsay pulled back his sleeve slightly to reveal part of his flayed man tattoo, "Bolton, party of seven. Our blades are sharp."

The eye hole slid closed and a few moments later the heavy door swung in and Ramsay led you into an underground club. It was dim, full of smoke haze, mostly older men, girls dressed in curve hugging floor gowns like yours, and an electro swing band on a wooden stage. It had to be the most upbeat, and yet elegant place you had ever set foot in. The floors were dark polished oak, the walls done up in more elegant wood work. It was cozy and yet regal. It was... classic.

Ramsay turned around, grabbing Matt by the tie and pulling him forward, "your night is on me." He released Matt and glanced at your group, "to the Seven Deadly Sins." He winked, looking past you and letting a wicked smirk grow.

You turned to see what Ramsay was looking at. There in a corner, smoking cigars and playing poker sat Roose and Tywin Lannister.

Ramsay gripped your hand and led you toward his father. You followed unwillingly.

He slid into an empty seat beside his father, grabbed a glass off a tray a woman was carrying, and pulled you into his lap.

He took a very long, exaggerated drink, set the glass down, pulled his hat off, and smiled sweetly at his father.

Roose eyed Ramsay in weariness. "Son. Don't ever see you here."

"Yeah, been awhile. What brings you to the city? You hardly ever come to the city... though I've had it that you've been here a lot recently." Ramsay said, dealing himself cards, and pulling out his cigarettes.

"Mr. Lannister and I had business to take care of." Roose said curtly, eyeing you over.

"Been keeping busy, Lannister? Heard you pulled some amazing feats last night." Ramsay said, glancing up from his cards, pushing them aside, and giving Tywin a calculating look.

"Yes. Stannis is lucky to have the men he still has. Though it may not remain that way very long." Tywin nodded, taking a drink from his glass.

Jaime Lannister slid into the empty seat next to his father. He glanced you and Ramsay over.

"Didn't realize all the Bolton's would be here tonight." Jaime said, taking a drink offered by a woman.

"Strictly coincidence. Now, which one of you is selling?" Ramsay shrugged.

"What do you want, son?" Roose asked rather dangerously.

"Just wanna buy drugs, old man." Ramsay replied giving his father a very innocent look, that could of fooled God himself. "You always got good shit on you. I need it for the night. Look, I'm feeling generous, I'll even pay double."

"I don't need your money, idiot. Take it and go." Roose hissed, pulling a neatly folded bag of fine white powder from his breast pocket and thrusting it at Ramsay.

"Hey, I may get you a 'Dad of the year' coffee cup for father's day this year." Ramsay chuckled, taking the baggie. "Guess I can still expect you Wednesday afternoon?"

Roose eyed you and nodded, "of course. Wouldn't miss it."

You looked daggers at your father in law, thankful Ramsay couldn't see from your angle in his lap.

"Come on, doll. Let's leave the grumpy old men to their boring game. The young lion is cheating anyways." Ramsay said, nudging you to stand, and nodding at Jaime with a polite smile.

He gripped your hand and led you across the club, out of sight of Roose, to the table the Boys sat at.

"Right, kid. Hope you know what an honor it is to be here. I mean both literally here," he motioned around the building, "and officially being apart of the Bastard's Boys."

Matt gave a nod, looking a bit dazed.

Ramsay tossed the baggie he had got off his father to Alyn. "Six lines."

Alyn nodded, pulling his wallet and sliding a credit card out.

"Do you swing?" Ramsay whispered in your ear as you turned your attention to the band playing.

"Yes, actually. It's my favorite." You replied, turning back to him.

"Man, I knew I married you for a reason." He grinned, pulling out his wallet and pulling six crips bills from it. He passed them around, rolling his as tightly as he could.

"To a night you will never remember, or forget." Ramsay said, winking at Matt, snorting the thin line Alyn had carefully slid across the table with the plastic card.

Something about watching Ramsay snort cocaine was slightly heartbreaking. You knew he had used many times over the years, but he had never done it in front of you, and often assured you he only drank, popped pills occasionally, and smoked marijuana since "falling in love" with you.

You stood there watching him drop the rolled up bill on the table, bury his face in one hand, and clutch at his chest with the other. He shook his head, dropped his hands, and turned his eyes to yours as his pupils blew.

"Oh fuck." He muttered, taking a seat and staring at the table.

Alyn clapped him on the shoulder, "just give it a minute. Inhaled too hard is all."

You watched everyone succumb to the high from the blow. You felt like an outsider slightly. You made to sit down when Ramsay gripped your hand and rose from his chair.

He ordered a round of drinks for the table as he led you past the bar and to the dance floor.

"Pretty soon I'll be too fat for this." You said with a sad smile, as you fell into the fast paced steps with him.

He twirled you and pulled you into him, biting at your neck, "until then, though, I will take you dancing whenever you want."

"How is it that you are the most charming and horrible man I have ever met?" You asked, feeling slightly breathless already.

"Don't act like you don't enjoy it." He replied, also seeming rather winded. Though it may have just been the drugs. You weren't sure.

Three songs later you had to call it quits. Ramsay returned you to the table, and left you to get you a glass of water.

You glanced around the place, seeing your group scattered, enjoying themselves. It made you smile. Ramsay set the glass down in front of you, taking a seat beside you and pulling your chair closer.

"What's on your mind?" He asked, throwing back his drink.

"You." You said slowly turning your gaze from the room to him.

"What about me?" He asked, pinching the bridge of his nose and scrunching his brows slightly.

"I dunno. You're different. Not being so murderous or threatening. Treating Matt to, what I'm sure is a very expensive night, and... I dunno. I don't know how to explain it." You said, running your eyes over him.

"All of us spent our eighteenth birthdays here, and he's a Boy now. So, I thought I'd extend the hand. I take care of those who work for me. Sometimes that means doing things like this." He replied with a small shrug.

You nodded, turning back to the crowd, giving a tiny gasp as Tyene climbed up on a table, shouting to get everyone's attention.

"Hey! Tonight we are celebrating a birthday. And the birthday boy needs all your support to help him blow out his birthday candles!" Tyene shouted, as two bartenders set a towering birthday cake on the counter.

Alyn and Damon were helping a very inebriated Matt to the cake. There were a few catcalls and jeers from the crowd.

On the third attempt Matt managed to blow out all the candles, which was greeted by clapping and whistles. Mostly by the older men who took delight in watching a stupid kid make a fool of himself, while trashed beyond belief.

"Cake then?" Ramsay asked.

"Please." You nodded, giving a smile.

"I need a kiss first." Ramsay said, reaching for your face and pulling you toward him.

You placed your lips to his, kissing him deeply. He moved his hand from your cheek to grope and grab at your breasts.

"Stop it." You hissed against his lips.

"You like it." He grinned back, letting a small moan escape him as you slid from your seat to his lap.

"How pissed would your father be if I fucked you right here?" You asked, kissing along his jaw.

"Mm, so pissed." He panted, tipping his head back.

"Good." You purred in his ear, hiking your dress up enough to straddle your husband.

He slid his hands to your hips and gripped hard, as you ground against his pants.

You felt him stir in his pants as he shifted to push his hips into you.

You took one of his hands, sliding it up your dress.

"Gave you a grand to buy underwear and you aren't even wearing any." He said with a small, longing groan as he ran his fingers against you.

"Just wanted you to know that I'm ready." You whispered, biting at his neck.

He shifted I'm his seat, to undo his belt, "how ruined are these pants?"

"On a scale of not to embarrassingly, I'm going to have to go with embarrassingly." You smirked, nipping his ear.

He grinned, peaking his eye open. "We need to move over a couple tables if you're wanting to piss off my father."

"Well, move us." You replied.

"When did you become the bad influence?" He chuckled, cupping your ass as he stood, bringing you with him.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, kissing and nibbling at his ear, you made to respond when someone cleared their throat bringing you back to reality.

You pulled away from him to look around.

"Down here." A voice said.

Both you and Ramsay looked down to see Tyrion Lannister.

"Little man." Ramsay chuckled, sitting back down.

You gave a sniff, sliding back into your own seat and fixing your dress.

"Sorry to interrupt. I'm not usually one to be a cock block, but I would hate for such a young, beautiful couple to be caught off guard with their pants down."

You stared at Tyrion, raising a brow.

"What do you mean?" Ramsay asked.

Tyrion nodded at a group of men watching you and Ramsay.

"Fuck them. Jealous fucks." Ramsay said, glaring back at them in malice.

"All the same." Tyrion said, taking a seat at the table.

Ramsay pulled out his cigarettes and offered one to Tyrion, who took it.

"What brings you here?" Tyrion asked, lighting his cigarette.

Ramsay nodded at Matt, who was being held up by Tyene, who was laughing wildly. "Kid's birthday. All my Boys and I spent our eighteenth birthdays here, and so I thought I'd bring the kid as I made him an official Boy this afternoon."

Tyrion watched Matt through his mismatched eyes, a small grin on his face, which was heavily cut and bruised.

"What happened to you?" Ramsay asked bluntly.

Tyrion sighed in his exhale of smoke, "Stannis' little escapade last night. Had a hell of a time trying to keep things together, then father, of course, swooped in and saved the day."

"Ah, fathers. Always stealing the thunder. Aren't they the worst?" Ramsay nodded.

Tyrion gave a bitter laugh, "I will drink to that."

"Hear hear." Ramsay said, turning in his seat to catch a waitresses attention.

She set two glasses down in front of Ramsay and Tyrion, offering you one, but you waved her away.

"Where's your bitch of a sister?"

"Probably off gloating over Stannis' defeat last night." Tyrion shrugged.

You watched Ramsay give a sweeping glance over the room and frown. He sighed, pulled his gun, placed it in your lap, slipping his hand in his pants pocket as he stood up.

You caught the glint of metal as he pulled his hand from his pocket.

"If you'll excuse me." He said, stalking off, grabbing Damon by the elbow as he walked by.

Confused you turned in your seat, seeing the group Tyrion had warned about harassing Matt and Tyene.

Tyrion gave a tut, watching closely as Ramsay tapped the closest man on the shoulder and hit him squarely in the face without a word as the man turned to face him.

Alyn swooped in as Ramsay and Damon tackled the group of men to the ground.

Tyene tugged Matt away from the brawl. He tripped over a chair and fell backward, hitting his head on a the table.

A single gunshot rang out, silencing the room at once; Ramsay standing abruptly, running his hand over his chest and giving a small sigh.

Roose stood there, gun raised, eyes narrowed.

"Ramsay, get out of my club." He snarled, his voice hardly an octave above a whisper that seemed to carry around the room.

Ramsay made a noise, wiping his bloodied lip on the back of his hand, motioning at the men picking themselves up off the ground.

"What of them? They started it!" Ramsay said in a voice of forced calm.

"They are here as my guests." Roose said as if it settled the matter.

"And I'm here as your son!" Ramsay raged, stepping into Roose.

"Get. Out." Roose hissed, narrowing his pale eyes to deadly slits, pushing the barrel of his gun into Ramsay's chest.

"I will remember this. I take back what I said about father of the year." Ramsay said through clenched teeth, a manic grin threatening to show.

He yanked Alyn toward him, grabbing at him, and pulling the bag of powder from him. He turned back to his father and emptied the baggie on Roose's shoes, flinging the empty bag in Roose's face. He dropped a pair of brass knuckles at his father's feet and turned to Damon and Alyn.

"Let's go Boys."

Alyn helped Tyene gather up Matt, and Charlotte appeared at your side, grabbing your empty hand.

You held on to Ramsay's gun and hat, not daring to make eye contact with Roose as you were shunted through the room.

The wind was bitter as you stepped out into the cold night. Ramsay relieved you of gun and hat.

Matt leaned against the wall as you emerged from the top of the stairs. He looked upset, running his hand over the back of his head.

"Sup?" Damon asked, looking Matt over.

"They... I... my shoe." Matt said, unable to string words together in his upset, drunk state.

You looked down to see Matt was only wearing one shoe.

[abrclub]

ABR Club Exclusive: Interview with Kip

If you've ever stopped by the merch table at an August Burns Red show, there's a good chance you've met their merch guy, Christopher "Kip" Hondru. Having been a fan of the band for nearly ten years, Kip and I developed a casual acquaintanceship through many merch table transactions over the years. While following ABR on The Phantom Anthem Tour in January and February, I had the chance to meet up with Kip in Milwaukee, WI where he gave me a tour of the historic Eagles Club venue and sat down afterwards to talk about tour life, photography, and how he spends his time when he's not on tour.

Photo by Ray Duker

David: How did you get the nickname Kip? Do you prefer Kip or Christopher?

Kip: It's something my sister called me when I was younger. Friends and family always call me that, and it just kind of stuck around. I'm told that Kip is a nickname of Christopher. In regards to which name I use when I'm introducing myself to somebody, it depends on who I'm with. If I'm with my friends, I'll introduce myself as Kip. If I'm some place where I'm by myself, I'll go straight to Christopher. I do like that name a little better, but I'm not picky. I was named after my grandfather, so I think that's why I like the name Christopher. I use Kip when I'm selling merch for ABR, unless I'm trying to be funny. Then I'll give them a funny name. Sometimes it's fun to mess with the kids [laughs].

David: How did you get introduced to ABR, and how did you start selling merch for them?

Kip: I grew up with a lot of the guys in the band, went to the same school (Manheim Central), and rode the school bus with JB. I've known Brent since second grade, so I've always been around and would always help out here and there with local shows. When I was in college I would go out with them during the summer or on weekends when time allowed it. In 2009 I came on full-time when our previous merch guy was looking to get out of it. I wanted to stop my 9-to-5 job and go on tour because my friends were doing some cool stuff.

David: Did you go to Manheim Central from 1st through 12th grade?

Kip: Yup, born and raised. JB and Brent went as well. Matt was homeschooled, and Jordan [Jordan Tuscan, the original bassist] was homeschooled along with Matt. Jon Hershey, the original singer, was in my grade. I knew him longer than I knew Brent, probably by about two years. JB was in the grade above us. Josh Bowman, our tour manager, was in JB's class.

David: What's it like in Manheim with August Burns Red? Does everybody know them, or know of them?

Kip: A lot of people do. When I meet someone and they're like "oh what do you do?", I tell them I work for a band. They'll ask "what band?" and I'll say August Burns Red, and they'll be like "oh I think I've heard of them!" or "oh I saw them in the newspaper the other day!" [laughs].

David: Where did you go to college, and what did you major in?

Kip: I went to The Art Institute of Philadelphia from 2003 to 2007 and majored in photography. I really excelled at digital output and large format printing. I also did a lot of traditional film photography as well and would mix the two mediums together, scan the negatives, and then print them out digitally. I used specialized cameras called large format cameras, which are unique to work with and something I enjoyed.

David: I know you have a camera collection. How many cameras do you have in your collection? Do you use them?

Kip: I'm not sure, maybe over 200. Not all of them are work. I try to use them, but other things have kept me busy recently. I always try to keep a camera around or on me. I have one on tour with me, but I've only shot two pictures so far [laughs]. A lot of what I shoot doesn't need to be rushed around, so I'm just amassing images. I have a spreadsheet of the cameras in my collection, but it's not up-to-date. I kind of stopped adding to it and recently sold a lot of cameras.

David: It's always surprised me that you're really into photography and collect cameras, yet you don't use Instagram. Why is that?

Kip: I was never much about posting and sharing a lot of things. I never really got into that. I'm trying to stay off my phone much as I can [laughs]. It becomes an annoying habit.

Editor's note: If you want to check out Kip's photography, visit www.christopherhondru.com.

David: You used to post on Twitter a lot about things that happened at shows while selling merch and you started the Shoes Got Weird photo series. What happened to that?

Kip: I just lost interest in that stuff. I do think that photo series was funny, as a quick off-the-hip kind of thing. That hashtag came out of one particular tour I was on. I was working for The Devil Wears Prada, and they would spend a lot of time at the mall on off days, so I would be walking around the mall with them killing time. We would walk into shoe stores, and I would be like "dude, shoes got weird! Look at these!", and then it just became a thing [laughs].

David: What's your favorite part of selling merch?

Kip: I can't pinpoint just one thing. It's a combination of a bunch of stuff, like traveling with my friends, seeing new sights, and continually meeting new people. Like you for example, and getting to recognize your face and getting to know your name, seeing you come back time and time again, and seeing how stoked you guys are as fans. It keeps me going just as much as it keeps the guys in the band going and excited. It'll be sad the day I stop touring, because I won't be able to see everybody who I'm acquaintances with as easily.

David: What are some of your favorite ABR merch items you've sold over the years?

Kip: I like selling guitar picks. They're fun, unique, and collectable. I've become a pick collector myself because of selling them, and I've met lots of pick collectors through that. Now I save some picks for certain people because I think they're great guys and I want to make sure they get some picks. I've got two of every pick we've sold ever since we started selling them at the merch table. Someday I'll put them all in a frame of some sort.

David: What are your favorite cities, venues, and places to eat on tour?

Kip: A lot of people ask me this question. My quick answer is I like a lot of the smaller college towns, particularly in the Midwest, like Spokane, Washington; Lawrence, Kansas; Tulsa, Oklahoma; Des Moines, Iowa; Missoula, Montana. Those are cool because they're smaller towns, so if I wanted to check something out it's not far away from the venue. I usually have limited time before a show to go check something out, so if I'm close enough I can maybe ride my skateboard there in half the time I could walk there. It's usually a cool cheeseburger joint, burrito shop, or a bar/brewery that I'd like to check out, maybe a skatepark sometimes.

David: I didn't know that you skate. Do you use a longboard or a normal skateboard?

Kip: Cruiser board, and some longboarding. Not as much as I used to. I used to skate in the skatepark when I was younger. I'm not trying to do any tricks anymore [laughs]. I'm strictly cruising around. I like snowboarding a lot. I don't get to do that much, so that's where longboarding comes into play. Being on Warped Tour really got me into that because it had a lot of parking lot space, so it was an easy way to get around. We had a group of friends who liked to skate and we would find cool hills. That was always fun and something I enjoyed about going on Warped Tour.

David: So do you bomb hills a little bit then?

Kip: Yeah [laughs], I'm not trying to get max speed, but I will carve pretty fast.

David: Besides cities, what are some of your favorite venues?

Kip: One of my favorite venues right now is The Fillmore in Philadelphia. It's a newer one, beautiful, it's good on all fronts. It has good parking for us, and there's an easy load-in. It's also in a cool neighborhood. There's lot of things to do around there. I also like Philadelphia a lot. A venue a lot of us like in in Belgium. It's called AB Brussels. It's a scenic venue too and state-of-the-art. It's completely soundproof, like you'll walk outside and have no clue there's a metal show going on inside [laughs]. It's in a historic town with lots of cool architecture, which is something I enjoy about touring. I like architecture and history and being able to see something that had some kind of tie to the past and is still around. This building (the Eagles Club) is an example. I really dig that stuff. Anything that's an old theater that's still being used is cool to me, especially if I can find an old picture of what it used to be.

David: What do you do when you're not on tour?

Kip: A lot of different hobbies, odd jobs, and things to make money where I can here and there. I don't actually look for other tours, but if they fall in my lap, sometimes I'll take them. Lately I've been really involved with making cider. I've been a longtime home-brewer, so I started making hard cider and learning about apples and different apple products. Living in Lancaster County, PA, there's a lot of farm history and barns that I'm intrigued by, so I'm exploring local history back home through the history of the apple.

David: What's your favorite kind of beer?

Me: I like all kinds of beers and ciders and the whole gamut of the spectrum. I don't have an absolute favorite, but I definitely like something that's very flavorful and hopefully 100% real ingredients and no adjuncts if that makes sense. That sounds kind of nerdy [laughs]. So like a good farm-based or orchard-based cider, rather than random ciders you're gonna find at any bar.

David: If someone is visiting Lancaster, what would you recommend they check out?

Kip: Drive into the country side if you can. Go see the farms and see an Amish buggy. There's lot of cool things to see in the city as well. There's Central Market which is the oldest farmer's market in the country. There's good food and stands to get produce. There's tons of restaurants and cafes. A lot of people like Prince Street Cafe. I like a lot of bar restaurants like Pressroom, Taproom Spring House, Lancaster Dispensing Company, The Fridge, Quips Pub, Lancaster County Brewing Company, Horse Inn, and Isaac's Restaurant.

David: Is there anything else you would like to add?

Kip: Come to the 15-Year Anniversary Show! We haven't talked about it yet, but we might do some cool merch items there. This is the first time it's on the record, I haven't said this to anyone else, but there's a small chance I might bring some of my personal poster collection there. I have a flat file cabinet at home with photos and posters I've collected over the years that have been piling up.

[jamesginortonblog]

James Norton interviewed by Francesca Babb. Condé Nast Traveller, January-February 2018 (full size 1, 2)

HE MADE HIS NAME PLAYING A TV KILLER AND A CLERGYMAN, AND IS DIANE KEATON’S PICK FOR THE NEXT BOND. NOW, IN THE REMAKE OF FLATLINERS, BRITAIN’S GOLDEN BOY IS THE LATEST RISING STAR TO HIT HOLLYWOOD

Where have you just come back from? Amsterdam. I was there with three good friends from drama school. We hired a boat, did the Rijksmuseum, and it was lovely. Before that, I was in Los Angeles for a month and managed to get out to Joshua Tree with another friend. We took a tent and some food to barbecue. Somebody had told me you have to dance in the desert, so we lit a bonfire and danced. Then we went and sat on a rock for hours looking at this crazy moonscape. It was the perfect leveller.

Where in the world have you felt happiest? ` When I was 18 I did the classic year out in South Asia, which must have filled my parents with tenor because it was back in the days before mobile phones. I lived in a mad little village called Bungamati, south of Kathmandu, for four months on my own. I was a theology student, and because of the mixture of Tibetan Buddhism coming down from the north and the Hinduism corning up from India, there was some kind of religious celebration every day. I got swept up in the vibrancy, colour and music of it all. I still have lots of friends there who Skype with me.

Name a place that most lived up to the hype ` Tibet. Everyone kept telling me it is the mountain of the world and even the sky is bigger there. Well, I thought it’s impossible to say a sky is bigger — the sky is the fucking sky — but then you get there and it’s true! It really took my breath away and I spent two weeks being dumb-founded.’

Describe a memory from a childhood holiday My great aunt and uncle used to lend my family this battered old tent, which we would take down to Cornwall every year and attach to our Passat. One year we misjudged the time it would take us to get home and we had to stop and put the tent up in the car park of a service station. I remember sleeping on the Tarmac, with these huge lorries driving all round us. That’s a very special memory. My parents are completely eccentric.’

Which is your favourite city, and why? I’ve recently been toying with the idea of moving to New York. It has great energy. But the problem is, whenever I do contemplate moving, I always come back to my passion for London. I love the weather, the seasons, and I cycle everywhere, so I fink all the parks and canals… I adore this town.

Describe your favourite view I grew up in North Yorkshire, and the view of Castle Howard from the top of a hill near my parents’ house feels peaceful and familiar. If life gets too much, I go and sit on that hill and calm myself down.

What do you pack first? A portable speaker for music. And, as I travel alone so much, a good book. I relish sitting in a restaurant reading. Some people hate it because they feel self-conscious and are worried it looks wanky, but I love it.

‘L.A. SPINS ME OUT. ITS SO POSITIVE. SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO BE BRITISH AND SIT IN A CORNER WITH YOUR BAD MOOD’

Where did you go on your first holiday without your parents? Budapest with six school friends when I was 15. We stayed at a friend’s parents’ house and spent a week buzzing around, which was awful and joyous at the same time. We found a booze shop that would serve us and bought a bottle of Campari because we thought it looked nice, and then discovered it’s disgusting. We didn’t have a clue. I recall seeing a poster for a foam party on the side of a phone box, and spending so much money trying to find it. When we finally got there, it was one of the happiest experiences of my life.

Describe a holiday disaster When I was at drama school, a friend and I booked an all-inclusive holiday to Kayos for £300. We found ourselves on a coach with a very orange rep and 10 Glaswegian lads all pie-eyed pissed. It was very Inbetweeners. We had been feeling all high-brow and had packed loads of scripts.You can imagine the juxtaposition of these Glaswegians running around screaming and me and my friend reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen.

Tell on about a great little place you know There’s a little restaurant in St Petersburg called Teplo, where we went a lot as a cast while filming War and Peace. It’s not pariticularly glam, it’s quite hidden away, but there are sofas in a snug at the back where we could chill, and drink nice wine and good vodka. It became a little sanctuary.

The smartest hotel you’ve ever stayed in? On paper, it’s the posh Four Seasons in LA, but actually I love places like Ham Yard Hotel in London and Crosby Street Hotel in New York where you’re made to feel so welcome. I also like the Midielberger in Berlin; it’s a bit of a cliche in terms of the hipster community, but it’s around the corner from the infamous Berghain club, which is probably why I was so in need of a good bed that weekend.

Sightseeing or sun lounger? I’m a rubbish sunbather. I can do about half an hour then I’m like, fuck this. I’m the guy who wants to jump off rock.

Who is the most interesting person you’ve met on your travels? I set up a theatre company in my early 20s and travelled around India and Nepal visiting schools. I met this guy, Baba Talakna. We would smoke his big pipe and sing songs. He was a mad, inspirational dude, although that might have been because he kept getting us stoned.

How do you relax? My family instilled in me the idea of a PBD — a Pre-Breakfast Dip — so if there is a body of water, I’ll be in it.

James Norton was speaking to Francesca Babb. He stars in `McMafia’, which will premiere in the UK on BBC One this winter.

[wcoastboy]

emptiness, lockdown and a broken heart

so I am one of these kids who idealize love (a lot), I mean I am a cancer for god’s sake and most of my chart is water sings - overwhelmingly similar to lana del rey’s I might add, perhaps that’s why I am very affected by anythings she produces? - and I feel a lot. I always think of some aspects, (physical, cultural, emotional) and some traits that I’d love for a future husband to have. I am very traditional in that sense - I suppose oddly so for someone in the lgbtq community - but as troye sivan’s music says, I really do see a “little house on the hill and children's names,” and I feel like even though lust is my one main cardinal sin (for life, for beauty, for wealth, for happiness, for beautiful young guys, for wine, for good food, and everything pretty, shiny and decadent), I am so very relationship oriented. 

since my first boyfriend, which was 6 years ago, I never really felt strong romantic feelings towards anyone, in mid 2019 and even more so in 2020 during lockdown I started thinking that I had gone numb, I only lusted for pleasure, and yes I did want to connect with someone but it became very hard, especially because I had set some standards to a good and happy relationship which I suppose are not easily met. since that time in 2019 I would be complaning to my friends that I wanted a boyfriend and how annoyed I was by not finding anyone, was I reaching for the stars? in september 2020 I came back to beirut, for the summer semester and for a moment I was so very happy, still longing for a company who could adore me and be devout to loving me, but  I had managed to be accepted into a double major program (a little harder than just one), got my first real job with something I love doing (related to restoration and preservation of national heritage/art/architecture), and paid fairly ok, I also was getting to learn much more arabic and going around nostalgic ancient ruins, ashtonishly beautiful mediterranean beaches, medieval churches and getting high with my friends watching he city lights of beirut skyline dancing in my eyes. 

everythiNg seemed fIne, But I did keep complAining about not finding him. so my friend toLd me “stop looking, he’ll appear.” and though shallow advices bother me, I decided to wat. not a week after, on october 31st 2020, a halLOween night, I was with another friend on a call and a guy messages me on instragram, telling me my pictures were really pretty. one hour into the conVErsation he asked if he could see me, not to go anywhere or do anYthing, just see me. I then tOld him he was welcomed into my apartment, and half an hour later he was here, I opened the door to a gorgeoUs, blonde and blue eyes gemini, whose body was so pretty it made me a bit shy. (please keep in mind that where I live at the time, cases were very low, the country had dealt well with the pandemic until that point) and for 3 hours we talked, we discussed a myriad of personal philosophies (and btw, this is NOT how it works in the gay world), ranging from religion, academia, future plans, family, sexuality, and then yes, we kissed, and he had the most amazing kisses, so sweet-tasting, so tender, so passionate. 

in that day, a day I was feeling so alone (no halloween parties in lockdown..), I was so fulfilled. I learned he is a successfull architect, family oriented, passionate lover, I wasnt, however, in love with him, I still thought of myself as someone looking for love, but eventually he managed to make me fall in love with him. he’d wake up earlier than me to send me good mornings and he’d go back to sleep, he’d write me poems, come at any point that I’d mentioned I missed him, bring me gifts, spoil me with love, car rides and favors, he poured his heart unto me. I was a bit scared tho, so I asked us to go slower, he didnt take it well at first but he agreed, we had this conversation three times, he would insist in buying gifts like gucci shoes or weekends in expesive skiing resorts - which I refused. 

the day we had this conversation for the first time was a m a z i n g at the beginning, I went to a brunch with my architect boss and my work colleagues, collected my salary, went to the gym, came home, got some feedback on university papers (all very positive 90+ papers, which made me very happy as it showed me how capable I am in academia), and my date had invited me for dinner in a restaurant of my choice. I chose a small, traditional Italian restaurant up in the mountains from beirut (a lovely place), which he promtly made a reservation, and I went to get ready. at which point I called one of my best friends, and I just had this epiphany of feeling like a real adult in the first time in 20 years of my life. I truly did feel like I could conquer all? I was doing well at my job, even better at university, getting paid, professors enjoyed my company and invited me for talks, I was handling not one but two programs, I was in a good place with all my friends, I was in a steady pace gym-wise, I hard learned a lot about me and parts of my origin that semester too, I was falling in love with the middle east, and I had my man. a strong, well dressed, awfully good looking blondie who adored me and came to pick me up two hours later smelling so good with his cool sportscar. I felt very fulfilled, I was in awe that in 2020, a year that I had lost my grandfather and so many had perished was ending overwhelmingly well for me - until later that day. 

after the restaurant - and the amazing food - we went around in the car, we made out and more, and eventually we had the third conversation, in which I still was not ready for full commitment (allow me to explain that me, a cancer, when engaging in a stable relationship will be very, very committed, and I couldnt jump in headstrong - as I had done before - within just a month), and simply like that, he dismissed me, left me, took me home and never saw me again. I talked to him the day after in which I told him it was unfair how he made me fall for him and he just leaves me at once. I became very numb, he did keep calling me and messaging me for a month after, asking how I felt and my plans for the winter holidays, asking me for a cooking hangout and whatnot. I was numb, I didnt fight for him or anything. I wish I had. because a month later I was in pain, heartbroken, struggling, hurting, and at that point he seemed to have healed from me, I tried patching things back but its not really working, and at this point, its preopably gonna stay like that. 

the worst part is that I truly had become his friend? so I went through grieving in two different perspectives, the loss of a lover and the loss of a friend. 

cut to february 2021, now the pandemic has worsened to some extent and I am under absolute lockdown, I am not emplyed as the work was short term, I can’t see my friends or go around exploring the scenery, there’s not gym and I lost a couple family memebers due to covid19 and cancer.

I used to deal pretty well with the lockdown, I am kept to myself, a few books and my mackbook go a long way, I can spend days in reclusion. I am also a pretty ok student and now....now nothing. I am hating this lockdown and it truly pains me to see that there are *weeks* left of it, I am not being able to focus as I usually do, I am not even very communicative these days (and I talk too much), its been very heard being heartbroken in a tiny apartment with me and me only, I’ve resorted to several activies so far but nothing seems really effective to be honest. I fear that he is really over me, and he is not even in the country as of now. everything seems so empty, I am not hurting as much as I was a few days ago, the weeks from january 17th to february 3rd were hell for me, now I suppose I can find some joy but the only thing i’d love to right now is lying my head in his chest. 

the one good thing that came from all of this was the fact that because I was so sad, when I got the news that my uncle had died I got so, so sensitive that I ended up falling apart on the phone with my aunt and my sister, whose reaction to my story with him were unecpectedly sweet, both of them now are pretty open and understanding of my sexuality and I was very, very relived to open up to memebers of my family, my kin, my blood. (up until that point I had opened up only to friends). 

and I suppose that now I know that I hadnt gone cold from love, it was just that I hadnt find the one. hopefully I’ll heal faster than my first break up, but it does pain me a lot, because you know these standards I had mentioned earlier? he fit very well in the majority of them.

[gracia-suficiente]

Despite doing a year recap post for 8 years now, I contemplated not doing a post this year. 2020 has been one of the worst years of my life, from the very start of it. There’s a lot from this year that I don’t want to remember, that I want to get away from as soon as I can. But, I have also learned a lot from these hard times. And I hope one day to re-read this post and think, “Gosh, I had it bad, but I made it.” So here’s my 2020:

Like I mentioned, January 2020 started off rough. My family and I almost lost my sister. I won’t go into detail but getting that call was one of the worst days of my life. It didn’t feel real. It felt like I was living a nightmare and it was so hard to see my parents go through the fallout of it all. The only good thing I can remember from that month was meeting my now good friend, Evan. To be honest, I’ve always been kinda attracted to him. I’d see him around the office and thought he was handsome and nice. We were on the same audit and he actually invited me to lunch one day (1/15 to be exact, I may or may not still have the email he sent me) and we clicked instantly! We became fast friends and even started to hang out outside of work soon after.

February was still stressful because of everything that happened with my sister in January. She was back home and it was hard to see her recover slowly. But, February was probably my favorite month of the year. Evan and I hung out quite a bit. On the first, he took me to this arcade in town and that’s when I was sure I had a crush on this man. It was so much fun! For the first time in forever, I didn’t spend Valentine’s Day alone either. I think this day was one of my favorites of the year. It was a Friday and a slow day at work so Evan stopped by my desk and asked if I wanted to go for a walk around the Capitol. This was something we had started doing frequently; he would stop by my desk or I would go by his desk to ask for a walk around to chat. We walked around the Capitol and then he asked if I had plans for the evening. He then asked if I wanted to have a happy hour with him and I said yes. We went to this small bar near the Capitol right after work and we had drinks and talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Before we knew it, THREE hours had passed. It didn’t even feel like we were there that long! We decided to head out, since it had gotten so late and neither of us had eaten anything. We walked back to the office in the night and he hugged me goodbye. On the way home, I listened to a playlist of songs I had made that reminded me of him and I was the happiest girl in Austin that night. Evan also invited me to a food tasting event that weekend on 2/19 and the waitress thought we were on a date and we didn’t correct her. February was also great workwise; I planned my first Wellness event as Coordinator and it was a success! The audit that I was working on was also picking up (I like to be busy). A group of work friends and I started monthly game nights too. It was so nice and fun to finally have a solid friend group. Lastly, I saw The Jungle Giants (2/16) and Beach Bunny (2/28) which ended up being my only two concerts of the year because…

The coronavirus hit in March. Well, that’s when the first shutdown/quarantine happened. I remember hearing about the virus in China but really didn’t pay much attention to it (I was obviously very distracted at the beginning of the year lolol). But Friday the 13th, I packed up some things from my desk and had to telecommute indefinitely. I don’t really remember feeling scared or even too worried. I thought it would all blow over relatively quickly. Boy, was I wrong. My parents came to visit for spring break, along with my brother and sister. It was so nice to see them but also hard to see my sister, who was still recovering. We didn’t get to do much either because soon after they got to Austin, the city shut down. It was really hard to go from having a busy life to not leaving my apartment at all. Another bad thing was that I had taken part of the CPA exam this month and found out I had failed. It sucked but if I’m being honest, I didn’t study as much as I should have. But one good thing was Evan. Wow he really was an anchor during this hard year. Despite the stay at home regulations, we kept hanging out. I know it wasn’t the most responsible thing to do, but we always hung out at home or outside and I really needed to see another person after spending my work week completely alone. He plays guitar and suggested that we learn to play a song together (since I play piano) so we started learning to play The Scientist by Coldplay.

April was another difficult month. Spending Holy Week completely alone was rough. The thing I wanted and needed most (the Eucharist) was unavailable to me because the churches were closed. Things were getting really bad in Europe and New York. I cried so much during Holy Week. Work was getting stressful too. But again, Evan was a constant. By this point, we were texting nearly every day and hanging out almost every weekend. I really enjoyed spending time with him. Not sure if this happened in April but one Saturday, we went geocaching and we found an Office themed geocache where we had to use a laser-pointer to find trees that eventually led to a box of trinkets. That was such a fun day.

Work was insane in May. I had never felt so busy before! One good thing about working from home is that when you’re extremely stressed, you can cry and no one will know. Things slowly started to open up again and I was able to go to reconciliation for the first time in 2.5 months. That was a blessing. Porter Robinson held his Secret Sky Fest, a virtual festival of EDM artists that was so much fun to jam out to alone in my apartment. I really missed live music and even though it wasn’t the same, it was still a good time. Evan and I kept hanging out and practicing our song. We even recorded a video of us playing together and it’s the cutest thing ever. Also, there was one Saturday in particular that sticks out to me: May 23. But we spent nearly all day together, playing music, drinking on his porch, getting dinner, sharing intimate details about our lives, and then playing board games with his brother when he got home from work. That day was another one of my favorites of the year.

June was a bittersweet month. I went home for my brother’s high school graduation. I had never seen the airport so empty in my life. My sister and I actually weren’t able to go to the ceremony and we had to watch it at home on the TV. But it was fun to celebrate with him and my family afterward. I worked from my hometown for a while and it was so nice to get to see my best friend and grandpas again. I really didn’t do too much with them as we were all being cautious. But this was the month that Evan told me that he started online dating again. I was crushed. I knew we were just friends but I liked him and thought he might have liked me too, considering how often he was texting me and asking to hangout. I was so confused because it felt like we had just gotten so much closer recently and I thought it might be leading to something more than friendship. But I was wrong.

I went back home in July again for my brother’s birthday. My parents had a small birthday/graduation party for him and it was nice to be back home again. The summer blues were really hitting me hard this month and you’d think that Taylor Swift releasing a surprise album would be a huge plus. But it gave me depression lolol It’s a sad album and her song “August” described exactly how I felt about Evan and his new girlfriend. I spent many summer nights, crying and drinking wine listening to this album. I don’t like summer and the things that make summer bearable (cool movie theaters and pools and air-conditioned museums) were taken away from me. Work was incredibly stressful too.

I don’t remember much of August to be honest. I was depressed and lonely and the summer heat was killing me. Work was continuing to be stressful and I wanted the audit to be over with. I was also upset because I didn’t get to hang out with Evan as much. He had been seeing this one girl seriously and I didn’t feel right hanging out with him one on one. There were a couple of highlights: I got to see one of my good friends/coworkers, Alana, for the first time since everything shut down. She is such a light and I really enjoy her friendship, even though we aren’t super close. Also, I got promoted on the 21st! It came as a complete surprise to me, considering that I had just gotten promoted the year before. Although a lot of managers had told me that I was already working at a higher level, I didn’t really feel like I was ready for a promotion so I was SO shocked when my manager called to let me know.

September was another weird month. By then, I was eagerly awaiting the holidays and the end of an already too long year. My depression was subsiding but I didn’t feel like my old self either. I celebrated my birthday with my cousin, who moved to my city in July. I am so thankful for her and her love; I probably would’ve spent my day alone if it wasn’t for her. We didn’t get to do all that we planned to do (there was a flash flood) but we did get to go to dinner! A few days later, Evan treated me to ramen and wine and we had dinner at my place and we talked for the first time in a while. It was such a sweet gesture from him and I felt bad that I didn’t do anything for his birthday.

October started off well with a few virtual concerts (Future Islands and Hippo Campus) and then my mom came to town halfway through the month because I had FINALLY scheduled my wisdom tooth removal. The surgery had to be postponed for a week (my dentist’s thermometer said I had a fever, but I ended up being fine and even tested negative for COVID. Idk what happened with that but it was annoying) so my mom stayed a little while longer. Then, on October 27, my dad called my mom to tell her that my grandpa had passed away. It was such a shock and completely unexpected. That day is one of the worst of my life and that’s when 2020 took a turn for the worst. Instead of getting my surgery later that week, I packed my bags and drove back home with my mom.

November was grief and exhaustion. I worked from my parent’s home and the audit wasn’t particularly stressful, thankfully. I was upset that I didn’t really get to say goodbye to my Austin friends (*cough* Evan *cough cough*) but I was also glad to not be alone anymore, after spending a good majority of 2020 alone in my apartment. The COVID cases in my hometown were at an all-time high though so I didn’t get to see any of my friends or even much of my family. It was heartbreaking going to my grandparents’ house, now completely empty, and see that everything was just as my grandpa had left it. Thanksgiving was sad and small.

Work was busier in December but thankfully it never got to an overwhelming place. My family was FINALLY able to lay my grandpa to rest on December 10. With all the COVID restrictions and the increase in deaths, it took forever for my grandpa’s funeral to be arranged. It was a small ceremony with maybe 15 people and I cried throughout the entire thing. We didn’t get to do a proper military burial for him (because of restrictions) but he did get a flag presentation. I helped my family clean out my grandparents’ house and I actually got to keep a few of my grandmother’s clothing and jewelry pieces! It was nice to have some of her things to cherish. Also, Taylor surprised us AGAIN with another glorious album. It was as if she knew that I needed something on the 10th to make me feel better after the funeral.  I was able to take off a couple of weeks from work and I cherished those days off. It was nice getting to spare some carefree time with my family, sister who had come back from NYC, and cousin. I also finally saw my best friend and even got to meet her new boyfriend. It made me so happy to see how happy she was with him. The holidays were still bittersweet because I missed my grandparents and our Christmas celebration was much smaller than usual. But I did get to help my dad make tamales and we got to go to mass for the first time since Thanksgiving! The year ended on a bit of a sour note for me because I awkwardly confessed my feelings for Evan and even though he reciprocated them, he said he didn’t want to date me. I was really hoping to end the year on a high note. I was really hoping that I could have one good thing and that things could work out with us. It was sad to hear him say that he was seeing someone else and as much as he liked me (and he REALLY liked me), it wasn’t enough to break up with this other girl and try things with me.

And that was my 2020, not including all the horrific things that happened in America and the world that just added to my stress and anxiety. I’m not sure how I feel about 2021. I didn’t even make New Year’s resolutions this year because they feel pointless to me. I’m trying to be hopeful but honestly, it’s been hard to do. I still miss my grandparents so so so much and even the thought of them brings tears to my eyes. Evan is still dating this girl and tells me about her and I have to pretend like it doesn’t hurt because we agreed to be friends. I don’t have any audits lined up after my current assignment. I’m staying home and trying not to see my friends as often because COVID is creeping up again but it makes me feel isolated and bad that I can’t see them. I miss Austin but also don’t want to go back to being completely alone again. I’m finding it hard to get on a good prayer schedule. So please pray for me and my family and the repose of the soul of my grandparents. I can’t wait for the day when I can read this and hurt for my past self, but also know that I’ve made it to somewhere better.

[markwatkinsconsumerguide]

Consumer Guide / No.105 /  Platinum selling composer,  Stephen Hillier , talking Dubstar and more with Mark Watkins. 

MW : How old were you when you first dabbled at song writing, and what did you “compose"? 

SH : There was a piano in my parents’ house in Welling, South London. I took some lessons, loved playing but wasn’t interested in reading music. So I would make up little tunes so I had something to play. I was ten. Despite having taught songwriting at Universities since 2004 I still don’t like reading music. I get by, just don’t ask me to direct a light opera.

MW : When did you decide you could make song writing / playing keyboards a career? 

SH : That was an accident. I started writing songs as opposed to “tunes” around the age of twelve. I heard David Sylvian say that he’d simply ‘given it a go one day’ and discovered he could do it. I thought that sounded cool, I’ll try it. I found it easy, so I just started writing and wrote loads. I haven’t stopped since. I didn’t think much about songwriting until many years later. I assumed everyone wrote songs, because everyone I knew did! 

When I met Chris (Wilkie) in Newcastle at the end of 1991, I was looking for a bass player to accompany me singing my songs. And I intended to use my songs simply so the new act would have something to play. That approach went on for a while, but… it turned out that Chris was a much better guitarist than me so I stopped playing, and when I found Sarah in 1993 I realised she was a much better singer than me. So I stopped singing. That left writing, so I focussed on that. And have done so ever since. 

MW  : How were Dubstar formed, and why did you leave the group in 2013? 

SH : I met Chris in Walker’s nightclub in Newcastle towards the end of 1991. That was where I wrote ‘Anywhere’, and it’s closure in early 1992 inspired ‘Stars’. I was looking for a bass player to form a band with, he played guitar so that wasn’t going to work. But we got on well, and loved the same music (Cocteau Twins, The Smiths, Durutti Column). 

When we started out it was the two of us on guitar. Different guitars though. Otherwise that could have been awkward. I discovered Sarah in the summer of 1993 when her boyfriend, who was someone I knew on the Newcastle music scene, accidentally left a tape he had made of his “girlfriend” at my flat in Jesmond. That was Sarah singing his songs. I was stunned by how beautiful her voice was. She had an effortless purity that really moved me. I’m not sure her boyfriend was keen on us meeting, but I persisted. We got on well.

After that I got sidetracked by something else and forgot about Sarah until she rang me up reminding me that I said we should do something. I was a bit embarrassed to have been so flaky, so we got to work immediately. And that was that, Dubstar was born, although we were called The Joans at the time. I finished working with Chris and Sarah in January 2014. I’d written and recorded two as yet unreleased albums 

https://www.dubstar.com/unitedstatesofbeing

https://www.dubstar.com/unitedstatesofbeing2

and felt that by that point the act had run its course. As I wasn’t interested in playing the nostalgia circuits, I decided to move on. The 25th anniversary of the release of Disgraceful is a good time to revisit some of the memories though, which I've done largely by accident. I discuss it here: 

https://www.stevehillier.net/dubstar-25/2020/10/9/dubstar-lost-and-foundland

MW  : Pick one track each from Disgraceful, Goodbye and Make It Better and  share some memories of the making of...

SH : My strongest memory of making the Disgraceful album was hearing the mix of ‘Anywhere’ come back through the speakers at RAK Studios with Stephen Hague. It sounded INCREDIBLE, like a hit. I loved it. That was the first time I’d heard one of my songs properly recorded and produced. You can’t go back to working on a four track after that

In terms of Goodbye, I remember the process of rediscovering ‘No More Talk’. It was a song I’d written at school, and although we already had more than enough songs for the second album, I felt I should include it, at least propose it. It was a freezing cold January in Newcastle in our studio at the Arts Centre, with me all alone, hunched over this tiny hard disk recorder putting together an arrangement for a song I’d written ten years earlier. That’s show biz! 

Make It Better was made in a very different way from the other two Dubstar albums, largely because we were living in different cities by that point. Me in Brighton, Sarah in Manchester and Chris in Gateshead. But there are so many stories about the making of that album. 

My favourite was that when I was in the middle of doing the first load of demos, I got a call from the record company. Apparently The Corrs were interested in doing a cover of ‘Stars’ and do I fancy meeting them at their Brighton show next week? I thought…yes. So I met the act, who were lovely as you would imagine. We had dinner together and when I dropped into the Brighton Centre to catch their sound check they stopped playing their song and broke into ‘Stars’, it was quite something. My song never sounded better than in that moment. The Corrs didn’t cover ‘Stars’ in the end. 

There’s more to this story, a LOT more… you can read the stories behind the writing of every Dubstar song at 

https://www.dubstar.com/

MW : What projects are you currently involved with?

SH : Coming up, there will be a second DUBSTAR: Lost and Foundland collection released in December 2020. I’m finishing that off now. I also have a collection of Christmas piano pieces out 4th December, 2020. Then there is the second Dubstar Preludes collection in January, 2021. Currently, Dunstar Preludes, Vol.1 is available now : . 

https://open.spotify.com/album/7B7yeG9FRjBNssvUGUSrhd?si=3SpaeFADSyOnMXnTCiUJwg

And then I’m launching an entirely new act in late January 2021. More details to follow, but what I can say is that it’s a return to songs with proper singing on them, rather than the instrumental piano pieces I’ve been releasing during this past year. I’m very excited about this, and was intending to launch it this year except for the pandemic. It’s the first time I’ve started a new act since Dubstar! I’m working with an artist from 4AD records on their new album too, which is VERY exciting. You will be able to find details of all of these project here : 

 https://www.stevehillier.net/

MW : You live in Brighton, what do you enjoy seeing and doing in the City?

SH :  I moved here in 1997, it was a choice of London for my career or Brighton for my state of mind. I chose the latter and have never regretted it, not for a moment. I don’t think I could live anywhere else in the UK, certainly not in England. 

When we had nightlife (!), Brighton was the best city of anywhere I’ve lived. I love the architecture. Brighton has extraordinary contrasts, Georgian Crescents next to newly built student accommodation, Victorian Squares opposite modern structures such as the i360. 

You can spot the history in this city from the buildings. The corruption of the 1960s and 70s developments, the Pavilion of course. The new development on the Level. Even the road I live on has mad history… the developers ran out of money as they built the road, so the houses get smaller as you go up the street. That was in 1895. 

MW : Tell me about your experiences on the last bus ride, taxi ride and train journey you had? 

SH : The last bus ride I had was from our office in the centre of Brighton back home. Tried to scan the bus’s computer network using the USB socket they provide on every seat. I discovered… nothing. 

The last taxi ride was one weekend in November (2020). The Uber drivers ‘round here have a habit of taking your job, getting to pick you up but taking someone else off the street… then stating to Uber that they declined your fare because you didn’t have a face covering. We flagged a regular cab and spent the ten minute ride home exchanging anecdotes about how bad Uber is. For the record, I really like Uber. 

My last train journey was returning from Bath to Brighton after a gig last February (2020). It was mad, there was a storm. The train was packed, every service into Paddington was cancelled, so we had to get off at Didcot Parkway… four hundred people on a platform in the rain and wind wondering what the hell they were going to do. I realised we were going to be stuck here on the platform for hours so got back on the original train and returned to Bath. I was thinking I’d stay in a hotel for the night, but I was on a promise of Thai meal that night so decided to hire a car and drive instead. I made it to the Red Snapper in Brighton in time. Apparently the rest of the passengers were stuck at Didcot Parkway for three hours in the rain. Some are still there now. 

MW : Coronavirus - do you feel the government should give financial assistance as well as moral support to the music industry? 

SH : This is not a simple question to answer. I do think the music industry in the country should be supported through the pandemic because it’s a source of employment for thousands, and a valuable export for the UK. I think the industry should be supported better in general, but not in the way it’s being done now. I think this country should take a leaf out of the approach that the Scandinavians have, on just about everything frankly, including taxes and fiscal policy! Free higher education including in the Arts, and proper ongoing support for arts venues. I’m talking grants, in order that their crucial role in forming communities is recognised and bolstered. And yes, that means spending money on music and arts projects that aren’t otherwise financially viable. 

MW  : How have you fared personally during Lockdown? What have you learned about your own character? Other people/s? 

SH : Lockdown has been… interesting. The biggest change for me was not travelling (I’ve spent the last twenty years living between Spain and Brighton). So I had a lot more time on my hands. That was initially daunting, a bit scary, then incredibly liberating. It led to a fabulous creative period for me. I wrote ‘Inside Outlines’ over a matter of three days. I‘d seen people doing gigs in their kitchen and thought I’d give that a go… and quickly realised it wasn’t going to be interesting enough for even me to watch. So I wrote, and wrote and wrote. And started releasing music under my own name for the first time. Also, I started working on the piano versions of my old Dubstar songs during the last days of the lockdown. Someone had contacted me on Twitter to remind me that Stars had been released twenty five years ago on that day. I’d entirely forgotten about the anniversary, so quickly put together a piano version and wrote the story behind the song so I could mark the event in some way. My wife told me that was a great idea, why not do another twenty five, one for each year. She meant, “story behind the song”, I thought she meant to record another twenty five piano pieces so went off to my studio and stayed there for a month. That was how DUBSTAR: Lost and Foundland began. I’m currently working on volume three. 

https://open.spotify.com/album/18DQiZMPfIvb7HqRtukpA9?si=mgSnZK3URe--KcSSxFTP4Q

What I have learned about myself is I have benefitted greatly by staying in one place for more than a couple of weeks. I haven’t done that since 1995. 

MW : What are you looking forward to doing this Christmas, regardless of Lockdown? 

SH : We would normally spend the latter part of December in Copenhagen, which is the cosiest city I know. I lost a Danish friend to breast cancer in 2018 and it hit me hard, very hard. I make going back to Christianhavn  and Christiania a kind of pilgrimage to her memory. That doesn’t look like it’s going to be possible this year. So instead, I’m going to get a big Xmas tree and put it up in November. I normally have the tree up until Easter, which isn’t mad at all if you think about it, so this year it goes up early and stays up until the pandemic is over. 

© Mark Watkins / November 2020  

[almostlikemylife]

My 2017 summary

With a “Keep reading” for your dashboard convenience because this is extremely long

January: I started the year with a delay on the flight taking me back to my place from my parent’s home, arriving late at night and having to wake up early next day to work. That next day I also had a phone interview that went well. I discovered that one of my friends didn’t have his contract extended and was now jobless. I went to a small house party where I met someone that made me fall into a massive crush on that person. One week later I met with a friend and one of my crush’s friends to talk and she promised to organize another gathering. We went to dinner with some other friends and ended the night at one of them’s place. I did a second interview and got the job. We had a second gathering and tried to know her a bit better but didn’t go well since as a social butterfly she couldn’t keep her attention only on me. A friend went back to his country and the farewell party was a blast.

February: Opened a bank account. Started talking to my crush on Facebook trying to meet for a coffee (date). She was up for it but “rain check”. I went back home to pick more clothes and stuff since my stay here was going to be longer than expected. Did some shopping for new clothes. Came back. Started my new job. Super stressful from day one. Tough coworkers. They threw the kitchen sink at me from the beginning. Continued trying to get a date with her but always an excuse. Started to feel really disappointed because the conversation was stagnant and with more time between replies every time. A friend working at the same company started telling me that the way they were treating me was wrong.

March: I met my crush on the bus one day and I was surprised to see her taking that bus. We talked and she told me she had spent the night at a friend’s house. At that moment it stroke me that maybe they had something together and that was the reason she wasn’t much into meeting with me. The conversation was dead anyways and we stopped talking. I was obliged to work for a few days from 8am to 11pm and was told that I couldn’t consider that overtime. That made me talk to HR to ask what exactly was overtime because if 15h at the office is not overtime then what is it. HR’s answer was “yeah we get a lot of complaints in your team. Get some experience and then leave. It’s what everyone does”. That baffled me. Then HR talked to my boss and he scolded me in private for having talked to HR. I went out with my friends and did not enjoy myself at all. Loud, noise, drunk people, being tired, worried about my job. That day I saw the friend at whose house I met my crush. We caught up and told to meet more often because we were rarely meeting. We didn’t see or talked to each other the rest of the year. I continued working long hours but now at least I was being able to charge overtime.

April: At my birthday I took cakes, croissants and other sweets fro breakfast to invite everyone at work. They were impressed with it but some told me that I should have brought this when I joined and then also for birthday so I was still owing them another breakfast. You have to be fucking miserable to think something like that. I went to Frankfurt by train for 2 days for a training. We had dinner with the rest of attendants and I remember one girl rolled her eyes at something on of my colleagues said; I found it funny because that was my sentiments exactly. Continued looking for a new place to live. First, for a change, but second becaue I wanted to meet new people and I wasn’t feeling close enogh with my current housemates/friends. Registered in OkCupid.

May: A new guy joined the team. That forced me to sit on a different area and spend more time with a different part of the team. I went to play laser tag with my friends/housemates and it was great. I went to a corporate event with the rest of the division (not only my team). There was a second optional day but I didn’t stay for it along with many more people who returned by bus at the end of the day. My colleagues took great offense in me not staying for the 2nd day. I visited some properties during the month but none convinced me. A guy left at work because “he wasn’t happy there”.

June: Another guy joined at work. I had tickets for a concert and couldn’t attend because at work they set a training the same day in another city. Went to the training with all the team and after it he had a visit to a castle and an exhibit followed by a dinner. Then they continued the party and got drunk, caused a brawl at a bar, stole bottles and a flag from the hotel. Me and other guy went to our rooms and didn’t participate in that, which was considered “poor teambuilding”. Finally found a place to move. It wasn’t perfect but I wanted to move before summer and it was the best I could find. Also I wanted to meet new housemates. Everyday I was less and less happy with the people at my job. I didn’t attend a summer party at the office just to avoid spending time with them.

July: I moved to my new house. 2 days later I lost my job for “lack of integration with the team”. Independently on the quality of my work and the opinion that I was meeting expectations, the fact that some didn’t like me on a personal level mattered more. They all “hid” on a meeting room while I was packing but got out too soon and crossed with me. None of them said a word or looked at me. I found myself in a new house, jobless right at the bginning of summer (quiet period). So after a week sending some applications I went back home with my parents. Felt depressing to be back in summer, with no friends, jobless and having to think what to do next. Kept applying nothing much happened the rest of the month.

August: During the first half of the month I stayed with my parents. I received an invitation to some online tests for a job, which lit me up. Went back to my place by mid month. Registered for unemployment benefits as my contract finished mid-month (officially I was on holiday without having to return to the office at the end of it). Registering was an ordeal. Tons of paperwork to do and counselors to meet. Did an initial online interview for the job for which I did the online tests also. Met again with my friends and went out with them a couple of times. They said that I looked much happier now but I wasn’t feeling that happy.

September: Went out with friends again but that night I didn’t enjoy it that much. Continued doing the benefits paperwork which turned into a bureaucratic nightmare. I needed a document that I could only obtain if I had worked at my country of origin but I never worked at my country of origin so it was impossible to obtain. At the end, I had to translate the only document I could obtain from my country certifying that I hadn’t worked there and wasn’t receiving benefits. My closest friend took some holidays and the others didn’t care that much about me so for weeks I didn’t see any of them. Rained a lot during that time. I went to an agency for a job but the client company was under restructuring and the process was on hold. Did the interview for the role of the online tests and it didn’t go well. They asked me to wait as some people from other department say my cv and they were opening a job too and wanted to meet me. I went a week later to do tests for the second role. My unemployment benefits were finally approved. I started meeting regularly again with my closest. At home, I rarely saw my other housemates. They were coming home at late hours and leaving early or not very social and spending their time on their rooms. I went to a birthday party. Was crowded, loud and I didn’t enjoy myself there. I met a friend’s friend to help her with something she is studying.

October: I met with friends a couple of times. My closest friend ditched me a couple of times because he was hangover. I went to a music fair and bought several CDs. I went alone to a concert because nobody else likes the same music as me. I liked it a lot. During the concert I saw a really nice girl close to me. I thought about talking to her but I didn’t dare to. I imagined that she wouldn’t like to be approached by a stranger. I did an interview that went really well. I was praised for my knowledge and told that with this CV I could work anywhere I wanted. It gave me hopes that I could get the job. I discovered that the guy that was hired in May at my previous job had been fired too. Apparently they didn’t like him on a personal level, like me. I met for Halloween with some of my friends to have a drink.

November: The first day of the month I went to have lunch with my friend. He called me out of nowhere, made me shower in a rush; all of that to then make me wait for an hour. We took a walk after lunch and thought about going to a cinema that plays old films at some point during the month. My house was without heating for 2 days.  I went for a little walk and it was dark and cold. Almost got a cold. I had a ridiculous interview in which they didn’t understand my profile, the profile for the job was for someone totally different, I had to make a nonsensical test and they “sold me” that most of the time I would be making photocopies. What a disaster. Then, the next day I got the answer from the interview I was praised at in October. It was a no. It pissed me off so much because it was almost a practical joke. I was almost in tears. Then my close friend was out for the weekend so I ended up going to the cinema alone. I asked for feedback and they told me that the only reason was having been fired from my previous job. But they gave my cv to other team that was interested in meeting. After another fruitless week I went to the cinema with a friend. After, we went for a beer and he told me he was considering relocating to Berlin. A girl at the bar looked at me with a smile for a long period and made me feel a bit nervous and flattered but nothing happened. I went to the cinema the next 2 days too. I had the other interview with the other team and it was surprisingly short and superficial. I had another interview for another role on the phone and went well. Another visit to the cinema with a friend. During this month I was so down and depressed and hopeless that I forgot to buy a ticket for a concert I wanted to go to. It was sold out when I remembered and I missed it. So, before the same happening twice I bought ticket to another concert.

December: I had a second phone interview (second part of the phone interview that went well). Strangely, I didn’t pass it because I lacked a specific knowledge which made me question why did they interview me at all. I went to the second concert and it was great. I’ve been listening to that band for more than 10 years and it was the first time I saw them live. Being in December already and knowing that this is a quiet hiring period until the new year starts (new budgets, etc...), I gave up with jobsearching for this year. Everyone said that January and February are much better. I had a small gathering with friends at one of them’s place. I was quite in a low mood but went anyway. Some of them I hadn’t seen them since summer (yay good friends). They were surprised that I was still unemployed. And they even said it with a bit of a smirk. Those who hadn’t gone through the same and had more opportunities in their lives can’t understand what you’re going through. It snowed several times. I went to the cinema alone one more time. When I told a friend he asked why didn’t I call. When I want to meet no one is available. When I go alone others ask me why I went alone. My close friend called me to go to the cinema and because of his poor planning skills, I had to rush to the cinema (he loves to call with no notice) only to wait for him for 20 min. When he arrived, there were no more seats available so we didn’t go at all. We had a coke at a restaurant and then I left because I had enough bullshit. Next day I took a flight home to spend Christmas with my parents. Listened to music, read a book I had pending, looked a bit into job offers (not much available at this time) and disconnected from the shitty reality this year has been to me.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior for January 10, 2020 – 1917, Like A Boss, Just Mercy, Underwater

Well, it looks like we’re back to the usual business now that it’s 2020 with the first weekend with four wide releases – two new movies and two expanding after opening in limited release over Christmas. I’m running a little behind on this so I’ll work on finishing a few reviews before Friday but for now, you can just get a general idea of what’s coming out so you can make some moviegoing plans.

The big movie that I’m most excited for people to see is Sam Mendes’ WWI epic 1917 (Universal), starring George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman as two soldiers sent on an urgent but dangerous mission to the frontlines to prevent an invasion that could leave thousands of British soldiers dead. It’s one of the most exciting movies I saw last year, which is why it ended up on my Top 25 at #2. I already reviewed the movie for ComingSoon.net and did some interviews for VitalThrills.com, so I probably don’t have a ton more to say about it, but it is the one movie I can recommend whole-heartedly this weekend. It is easily one of the best movies I saw last year (twice!)

This weekend also brings the high-concept R-rated comedy LIKE A BOSS (Paramount), which pairs Rose Byrne with Tiffany Haddish and Salma Hayek, three very funny women and great actors in a movie directed by Miguel Arteta (The Good Girl). Essentially, Byrne and Haddish play long-time besties who have been building a small grassroots make-up company and then Hayek comes along as a huge corporate mogul who wants to buy them out who makes a deal that will allow her to get a larger percentage if the two friends break up. You can probably guess the rest. (My review will be posted later tonight since it’s under embargo.)

Mini-Review: It was almost immediately apparent as Like a Boss began that this movie wasn’t going to be for me. It wasn’t the premise or the characters as much as it was the fact that it expects the viewer to be somewhat savvy about the make-up business, something I know (and care) little about.

Byrne and Haddish play best friends Mel and Mia, who have turned their shared love of make-up into a thriving local business that gets the attention of Salma Hayek’s Claire Luna, a big-shot exec at a corporation who wants to buy a stake in their business but with a catch. If for some reason the friends break-up, Luna gets the majority share of the company. This is literally the difference between a 51% and a 49% stake… so not really that big a deal.

I’m not even sure where to begin with this because there’s so much talent involved that generally deserves better, but Haddish has yet to deliver anything on par with her Girls Trip role, and that doesn’t change here. Mind you, I’ve been a big Rose Byrne fan for quite some time, and she’s really been great in movies that allow her to go between humor and drama, but it feels as if she’s trying way too hard to keep up with Haddish, who has actually toned back her character to be more of a 4 or 5 on the Haddish scale.

Jennifer Coolidge seems to be doing the exact same thing she’s done in everything from Legally Blonde to Two Broke Girls, basically acting like a dimwit, and it’s a shame because it’s not really a good part. There’s also Mel and Mia’s three best friends who are so useless at bringing anything to the story that it’s unclear why they’re in the movie at all except to act as a Greek Chorus.  This leaves it up to Billy Porter to steal the movie with but just one scene, and pretty much the only one that delivers a laugh.

I’m not sure if the makers of this movie thought that it would be seen as another pro-feminist movie that women flock to, but the problem might be the simple fact that it’s written and directed by men. That certainly couldn’t have helped, especially since this movie is clearly trying to be another Bridesmaids by pushing the R-rated envelope.

The thing is that if you’re going to make a comedy, you should at least try to make some effort for it to be funny, and the fact that Jennifer Lopez’s Second Act takes place in a similar environment but finds a way to be funnier is telling that Like a Boss just isn’t up to snuff.

It’s doubtful Like A Boss will be anyone’s worst movie of the year, but that’s because it isn’t particularly memorable and will likely be forgotten by February.

Rating: 5/10

Another movie expanding nationwide after a platform release is Dustin Daniel Cretton’s prison drama JUST MERCY (Warner Bros.), which stars Michael B. Jordan as young defense attorney Bryan Stevenson, who finds himself trying to get prisoners on Death Row exonerated. The movie also stars Jamie Foxx as Walter McMillian, a man falsely accused of murder who becomes Bryan’s biggest case to date while Brie Larson plays Eva Ansley, who works with Bryan. I was kind of bored by the movie the first time I saw it, but I gave it another chance recently and generally liked it more, especially towards the last act. I may write a review before Friday if I can find any time but I’m pretty slammed this week.

The last movie of the weekend is actually one I’ve been looking forward to, since the sci-fi thriller UNDERWATER (20th Century Fox) is my kind of movie. It stars Kristen Stewart, Jessica Hardwick (from the Netflix series Iron First), TJ Miller, Vincent Cassell and John Gallagher, Jr. as a team of scientists who are trapped 6 miles below sea level when their station is hit by a catastrophe and they learn that they’re not alone down there. It’s the new movie from William Eubank, a talented filmmaker who I interviewed years agofor his movie The Signal. I’m also still working on my review for this so please check back tonight/tomorrow for it.

Mini-Review:

It’s a bit of a bummer this new undersea horror-thriller probably won’t get a fair shake from critics, because it’s being released in January. Far too many film critics just love their clichés, and when it comes to January movies (other than the ones premiering at Sundance), they expect everything to be horrible. They go in with that thought in mind and then nitpick to make sure they’re theory is right. Maybe it’s true, but it’s also not particularly fair when you have a movie like Underwater that delivers exactly what’s being sold.

The underwater drilling station Kelper rests on the outskirts of the Mariana Trench, and no sooner then we meet Kristen Stewart’s electric engineer Norah, Kepler is hit by a powerful earthquake that tears the station apart, as she and a few of her colleagues do what they can to survive. They soon learn that they’re not down there alone.

Yes, the premise is a bit of a horror cliché we’ve seen many times before, mostly in space thrillers like the classic Alien, but director William Eubank (The Signal) clearly has chops to direct a much bigger-scale movie like this that involves a lot of underwater FX-work.

While the dialogue isn’t always great, and the attempt to make TJ Miller the film’s comic relief doesn’t always work, you generally like the characters played by Stewart, Hardwick, Cassell and Gallagher, which tends to be half the battle when it comes to horror films.  You actually care about them as they face bigger and bigger jeopardy.

I’m sure some women will take issue with Stewart spending a good portion of the movie in a skimpy bathing suit, as soon as she’s out of the bulky deepsea suit she wears for the rest of the movie, but you won’t hear any complaints from me about that.

Like I said, the movie gives you exactly what is being advertised and Eubank has created a movie that’s suitably claustrophobic and at times, legitimately terrifying.

Rating: 7/10

LIMITED RELEASES

The movie opening in limited release that I can recommend highly is Ladj Li’s police thriller LES MISERABLES (Amazon Studios), an amazing police thriller about a group of French detectives trying to deal with issues taking place at the local projects. I thought this French film (France’s shortlisted selection for the Oscar “International Film” category) was fantastic and shows a promising new talent in Li, who wrote and directed the film. If it’s playing in your area, I recommend checking it out, although I’m guessing it will be on Amazon Prime sometime soon as well.

I haven’t seen Jon Avnet’s THREE CHRISTS (IFC FIlms), which has Richard Gere playing Dr. Alan Stone, a psychiatrist in charge of dealing with three schizophrenic patients who all believe they’re Jesus Christ, as played by Peter Dinklage, Walton Goggins and Bradley Whitford. It will open in select cities and On Demand shortly after.

Opening Friday in the States roughly eight months after it opened in the United Kingdom is Ron Scalpello’s crime-thriller THE CORRUPTED (Saban Films), starring Sam Claflin as Liam, an ex-con trying to win back the love of his family, while trying to get out of the tangled web of corruption surrounding him. The movie also stars Timothy Spall, Hugh Bonneville and Charlie Murphy.

Josh Hartnett and Margarita Levieva star in Anthony Jerjen’s Inherit the Viper (Lionsgate), playing siblings Kip and Josie, who are dealing in opioids as their only means of survival.  Kip’s attempts to get out of the family business put him and his sister and younger brother (Owen Teague) in danger. it will open in select cities and On Demand.

Ofra Bloch’s documentary Afterward (1091) debuted at DOC-NYC last year with its look at the issues between Israel and Palestine that came out of the Jews being driven out of Germany during World War II and settling in Israel where they were seen as an enemy by the Palestinians, while trying to give and receive forgiveness. This is a fantastic doc that will open on Friday and then be on VOD January 28.

Alison Reid’s doc The Woman Who Loves Giraffes (Zeitgeist/Kino Lorber) is a little more obvious what it’s about, as it follows Anne Innis Dagg’s solo journey to South Africa in 1956 to study giraffes, featuring voicework by Tatiana Maslany, Victor Garber and more. It opens at New York’s Quad Cinema on Friday and at the Laemmle in Los Angeles on February 21.

Opening today at the Film Forumin New York is Renaud Barret’s doc System K (Artification Release), which looks at the city of Kinshasa in the Democratic Republic of Congo and the street artist performance scene that criticizes government corruption and the poverty that has struck the area.

The Sonata (Screen Media) stars Freya Tingley as a virtuoso violinist who inherits the mansion of her composer father (the late Rutger Hauer) after his sudden death, where she discovers a mysterious score with strange symbols that she tries to decipher with her agent and manager (Simon Abkarian).

This week’s Bollywood offering is Meghna Gulzar’s Chaapaak (FIP), starring Deepika Padukone as a woman attacked with acid in New Delhi in 2005 and how she survived it.

REPERTORY

It’s a new year so we’re back with more cool repertory stuff!

METROGRAPH (NYC):

My favorite local rep theater is beginning with two movies by Your Name and Weathering with You director Makoto Shinkai: 2007’s 5 Centimeters per Second and 2011’s Children Who Chase Lost Voices. On Saturday night, the Academy is back at the Metrograph screening Lina Wermüller’s 1976 movie Seven Beauties. Also on Thursday, you can see two “Metrograph Standards,” Jack Hazan’s A Bigger Splash (1974) and Edo Bertoglio’s Downtown 81. Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill screen Richard Quine’s 1958 film Bell, Book and Candle, Late Nites at Metrograph will screen Akira Kurosawa’s High and Low  (1963) while the Playtime: Family Matinees  selection is Danny Devito’s Matilda from 1996.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Folllowing up FilmLinc’s amazing Korean cinema series from last year, this week, they’re doing a special “The Bong Show” retrospective, highlighting the work of soon-to-be Oscar nominee Bong Joon-Ho, as well as other related films with Director Bong in person for some of them. It runs through January 14 and besides all of his feature films, there will be a showing of all his shorts on Friday night, January 10, as well as Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s Cure  (1997), Deliverance (1972), Intentions of Murder (1964), John Frankenheimer’s Seconds (1966), John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) and more.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday “is the 1984 Supergirl movie, starring Helen Slater, which is almost sold out. Thursday’s “Cherry Bomb” pick is the 1988 film Shy People. Next week’s “Terror Tuesday” is the horror classic Ghoulies (1984) and “Weird Wednesday” is Tarsem’s The Fall, the latter hosted by Vaiance Films founder Dylan Marchetti.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Today’s “Afternoon Classics” matinee is Norman Jewison’s 1967 film In the Heat of the Night, while the Weds./Thurs night double feature is Secret Ceremony and Boom!, both from 1968, both starring Elizabeth Taylor. Friday’s “Freaky Friday” is the 1985 film Re-Animator, while Tarantino’s own Django Unchained is the Friday midnight movie. This weekend’s Kiddee Matinee is the Studio Ghibli film Ponyo, while the “Cartoon Club” is also running this weekend. The Saturday midnight movie is Martin Scorsese’s classic Taxi Driver  (1976). Monday’s “Monday Matinees” is the Stephen King adaptation Misery (1990), while the double feature running from Monday through Thursday are newer films, Greta Gerwig’s Little Women and Sofia Coppola’s The Beguilded from 2017, both in 35mm.

FILM FORUM (NYC):

On Wednesday, Film Forum will begin screening a 4k restoration of Russian filmmaker István Szabó’s Mephisto (1981) along with screenings of his other movies, Confidence (1980) and Colonel Redl (1985).  This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is one of my all-time favorite comedies, Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot(1959), starring Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Apparently, the Egyptian now has two theaters? Sweet! As part of the theater’s “New Year’s Resolutions” its screening the 1993 horror anthology, Necronomicon: The Book of the Dead on Friday in the Spielberg Theater, followed at 10pm by Roar (1981). The Egyptian’s usual theater will screen a double feature of Airplane! (1980) and Stripes  (1981) on Friday. On Saturday, you can see Pacino in Scarface (1983), the sci-fi classic The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) and Terrence Young’s Valley of the Eagles (1951) with an introduction by Joe Dante (schedule-permitting).  Also on Saturday night is a double feature of Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and The Other (1972). Sunday’s “New Year’s Resolution” is “Get More Sleep!” in the form of Akira Kurosawa’s later film Dreams (1990), plus you can also see a 35mm print of The Blue Angel (1930), starring Marlene Dietrich as part of the theater’s “Sunday Print Edition.” Sunday’s New Year’s Resolution is Deliverance (1971)andWake in Fright (1972).

AERO  (LA):

As part of the series “The Films of Marty and Bob, the Aero will screen a matinee of Taxi Driver (1976) on Thursday – two days before the Alamo. (Oops!) Thursday night is a double feature of Douglas Sirk’s 1955 film All That Heaven Allows and Fassbinder’s 1974 film Ali: Fear Eats the Soul. Friday begins an “All About Almodóvar” series with a double feature of Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown  (1988) and All About My Mother (1999), Saturday is Bad Education (2004) and Talk to Her (2002) then Sunday is some of the filmmaker’s earlier work, The Law of Desire (1987) and Matador (1986).

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

This weekend, the Quad will screen four movies by Bernard-Henri Lévy: 2012’s The Oath of Tobruk, a double feature of Peshmerga and The Battle of Mosul, and Bosna! With an introduction by Lévy. Sorry, but I’m not really familiar with his work enough to elaborate. 

MOMA  (NYC):

The Museum of Modern Art has started a new series called “Show Me Love: International Teen Cinema” running through January 19 with some interesting selections including Diane Kurys’ 1977 film Peppermint Soda, Greg Araki’s 1993 filmTotally Fucked Up, Satyajit Ray’s Teen Kanya (Two Daughters) (1961) and more.  Another series that will run through February is Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon, which will show some of the comedic actor’s best movies, including 1963’s Irma La Douce on Wednesday, Blake Edwards’ Days of Wine and Roses (1962) on Thursday, George Cuckor’s It Should Happen to You from 1954) this Friday. (Most of the movies will be repeated later in the series.) Tuesday’s matinee returns to “The Films of Marty and Bob” with New York, New York(1977).

IFC CENTER (NYC)

The IFC Center is in the middle of a comprehensive “Films of Studio Ghibli” series with a bunch of Studio Ghibli animated films, which will run through next week, as will the 75thanniversary digital restoration of the cinema classic Casablanca. This week’s Late Night Favorite selections are David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive and Eraserhead, Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining and Kathryn Bigelow’s Strange Days (1995).

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is in the midst of a “Curators’ Choice 2019” made up mostly of new movies vs. repertory stuff. Saturday will be a tribute to the late Carol Spinney with a screening of the 2014 doc I Am Big Bird.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Nicolas Cage love continues with the 1997 action movie Con Air.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s midnight movie is Rene Laloux’s 1973 animated familyFantastic Planet.

Next week, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are reunited for Bad Boys for Life, taking on Robert Downey Jr. as (Doctor) Dolittle.

[isupportsamesexburritos]

25

25 has been difficult. 

I moved away from my family, 2000 miles away. No holidays with them unless it’s Christmas. I’m so far removed from college that my friends have scattered across the country. I don’t know when I’ll see most of them. I watch one of my best friends starting her family while I’m far away. My cousins grow up without me. My parents are growing old without me. I can’t afford to fly home often. 

Right now I’m emotionally supporting a friend who’s dealing with severe mental illness. Making sure her basic needs are met, trips to the psychiatric ward, canceling social plans to care for her on her worst nights. I spent 2 hours the other night being an emotional punching bag for another friend who is severely traumatized by the fires. This is all while dealing with my own anxiety and post traumatic stress. 

I got emotionally involved with a man who is in an open marriage. We appear to have strong mutual feelings for each other. We have similar values, grew up in a similar music scene, we laugh at the same things. Amazing sex. We just...connect. I felt it. He certainly felt it. There’s a soulmate connection. Inevitably, our connection makes his wife uncomfortable and he abruptly ends our relationship, with little communication about it all. Even after I talked to him about trauma around feeling disposable and unlovable. 

I have other partners who abandon me with little to no explanation. I deal with one man who berated me on a date because I dared to call him sexist. Another one sends me his pornography that he made, with women who are 100 pounds lighter than me with huge breasts. He stops talking to me after he sends the videos. Various other partners just decide I’m not good enough to even text anymore. One partner sexually assaulted me, but I don’t know how to tell him and feel guilty for it. 

I was supposedly exposed to HIV or AIDS, and was notified through an application. My most recent test said my status is negative but I still don’t know if someone pulled a cruel prank or if I should be worried about a former partner. It was one of the scariest days of my life. 

I deal with multiple weeks of infections after having a condom stuck inside me for 3 (THREE) days without realizing it. I go through multiple rounds of antibiotics and infections. I spend an evening in the hospital. 

I watched my old apartment building burn down. My old roommate and the woman who took my room lose everything. I deal with guilt and fear because I was supposed to be living there. I mourn the most beautiful apartment building I ever lived in, and feel awful for my neighbors and friends. Any romantic dream about what life could have been like if I had stayed is crushed. 

I live with a miserable roommate, a strange man who is prone is outbursts, in a city I feel constantly at odds about living in, for a number of reasons (not that I think *boo hoo poor me,* but it is a feeling and decision I grapple with and spend significant time wrestling with). 

I deal with constant drama back home. Everyone unloads their bullshit on me. I get caught up on it on Twitter, via text, I have to check in with people at my old job and mediate conflict. 

25 has been incredible. 

I decide that I’m going to pursue new opportunities. I apply to a series of really great jobs. In October, you applied to a dream job in San Francisco. You land an interview days before you turn 25, and spend all of November, December and January day dreaming about a life on the coast. 

I got the job. I moved 2000 miles away for an amazing opportunity. When else would I be able to up and go to another side of the country with such security. I’m lucky enough to get help via my new job with a moving stipend and enough money to live on in the Bay Area. I sold almost every single possession, pack up a few boxes for my mom’s basement, and take exactly 7 bags, 3 boxes of art and my drugged up cat on a plane to California on February 27th. 

I live in amazing city and area. There is so much to do and the people are amazing. I make friends quickly - through a desperate plea on the local emo nite page, through Facebook groups, I made friends on Lyft lines, I connect with old friends, I meet some people off Tinder. I have patch worked a group of people that I can lean during hard times. 

I have a job that for the first time, respects my need for space and self-care. For the first time, I have SPARE TIME. I can CLEAN. It feels like a surreal gift. I am involved with volunteering and local organizing and hobbies? 

I start to go to shows again. I am regularly attending things and having a lot of fun doing it. I am going to FEST?????????? 

I take a break from social media and feel more in touch with my community. Somehow the world kept turning without me being on Twitter. Somehow I kept up with the world. 

I meet some amazing partners who I care about deeply. One evening at Eli’s, I was talking to a new friend and she says I would love talking politics with her coworker, B. B is persuaded to come to Eli’s and there’s an instant connection. He’s from Detroit. He worked in Ohio. We even have mutual friends. Eventually we both realize we’re nonmonogamous and I end up back at his place. We’ve seen each other regularly ever since that fateful weekend. I was there for him during his breakup. He was there for me during my everything. I have J, who in his own weird robot way, cares about my well being. WR is always there for me. 

I go on some great trips. I go to Seattle, DC, NYC, I go to Florida in 2 weeks. I have seen all of California now - Sacramento, San Diego, LA, OC, the Valley, Yosemite. I connect with old friends. I get to see my ride-or-dies. 

I am less than 30 days out from 26 (shit, I need to use my dad’s health insurance before then). Let’s hope that 26 is a little less dramatic but keeps me content and healing.