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fortheloveofwonderland · 2 years ago

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In the Event of My Demise | Ralvez

not my gif

Title inspo- In the Event of my Demise - Jake Bugg

A/N - this is for @imagining-in-the-margins Comfort Challenge. Thank you to the wonderful @tobias-hankel for being my beta! Set post 13.6 The Bunker. Includes references to 12.22 Red Light. I wrote this in a like a day, but I don’t hate it so, yeah.

Summary - months after his release from prison, Spencer Reid still hasn’t allowed himself to deal with the residual trauma of what happened to him. When a local case triggers his inevitable breakdown, Luke Alvez must pull Spencer back from the brink or risk losing him to his demons forever.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Luke Alvez (platonic ish)

Category - hurt / comfort | angst | hopeful ending

Content Warnings - Mentions of prison arc, Cat Adams and Lindsey Vaughn and Mr Scratch, talk of PTSD, therapy, swearing, mental breakdowns, possible psychotic breaks, small mention of blood, mentions of sexual assault (as per canon), talk of being drugged, Spencer losing his grip on reality, tears, a broken man just needing a hug, hidden feelings.

WC - 7.6k

Profiling hadn’t come naturally to Luke Alvez. As a former army ranger turned fugitive task force agent it wasn’t something he’d ever had to be versed in. He was a man hunter, he didn’t read human behaviour the way the rest of the BAU did every single day. Picking up on little nuances and tiny changes in a person's tone of voice or posture wasn’t something that came easily to him.

Luke was used to being more hands on. The physical aspect of the job was no issue for him whatsoever. He could chase down an unsub no problem. In all honesty he could run circles around most of his team, with the exception of Simmons anyway. But Matt’s background in the IRT meant he had a better grasp on profiling and despite joining the team later than Luke, seemed to be flourishing in this environment.

But Luke was no quitter and he refused to be average at anything he did. So he studied, he read every book he could get his hands on about profiling and human behaviour so Hotch didn’t change his mind about hiring him. And progressively his skills were improving and he started to finally feel like a valid member of the team.

Still he was a novice in comparison to the rest of the BAU, which was why it was so odd for him to be the only one who seemed to notice that one of their own was struggling.

It made perfect sense. After what he’d been through of course he would be. But in the aftermath of the whole Scratch debacle, the youngest team members' issues seemed to get swept under the rug. But Luke noticed. Luke couldn’t help but notice.

If Luke was completely honest with himself he’d done nothing but notice Doctor Spencer Reid since the first day they met, over case files about the Crimson King. Luke was instantly enthralled by the young genius, fascinated by the way he seemed to know something about everything. And his beautiful golden eyes certainly didn’t help matters either.

He could probably attribute a lot of his newfound profiling skills to his observations of Spencer. He noted and catalogued every facial expression, every verbal and non verbal tick of the captivating man. After only a few months Luke could have written the Idiots Guide to Spencer Reid. He consumed everything pertaining to him without even really meaning to. So maybe that was why he saw through Spencer’s attempts to pretend he was just fine that everyone else seemed to buy.

They’d just finished up on a local case working with the Richmond Field Office, in which several women had been abducted over the past five years. It came to a head when Spencer and JJ were following up on a lead that landed them trapped in the unsubs underground bunker.

“Oh boy wonder!” Garcia gasped the second the elevator doors creaked open and Spencer’s frame was revealed inside the metal shaft. How long she’d been standing there, awaiting his return, was anybody's guess. “Are you ok? That must have been horrible for you.”

She’d already give JJ the once over, ensuring her friend had come out of that situation unscathed. But Spencer she was more concerned about. Being trapped in an enclosed space like that after his time in prison had to have been a living nightmare for him.

Spencer shuffled out of the elevator, avoiding eye contact with the bubbly blonde and willing to just be left alone. As soon as he was close enough, Penelope gripped him by the shoulders, trying to force him to make eye contact.

“I’m fine, seriously. Please stop fussing over me.” Spencer shook off Garcia’s attempts to coddle him.

“But after what you’ve been through…gosh it must have been so scary.” She ignored him trying to step away and threw her arms around the touch averse genius, despite him attempting to wriggle free.

“It would have been scary for anyone, Garcia.” He kept his arms at his sides while Garcia practically hugged the air from his lungs.

Luke watched on from just inside the glass double doors. He could see the discomfort in Spencer’s eyes that he kept focused on the ground, could sense the fact that the younger man just wanted to be left alone. Garcia on the other hand clearly missed these signals.

“Stop trying to act brave.” She mumbled against his shoulder.

“No one’s acting, Garcia. I’m fine. Please can we…” he raised his arms now and placed a hand on each of her biceps.

Luke continued to watch as Spencer gently guided the tech analyst off of him, peeling her away from his body and taking a few steps back from her.

Garcia’s eyes were wide with sadness as she looked at Spencer and once again, Spencer averted his gaze.

“No one would think any less of you if you were affected by this, Spence.” She whispered, Luke had to strain himself to hear her.

He noticed Spencer’s shoulder stiffen, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides while he kept up his stare off with the floor.

“Good to know.” He nodded, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth the way Luke knew he did when he was uncomfortable. “Can I use the bathroom now?”

“Oh,” Garcia nodded, stepping back from Spencer’s path. “Of course! Sorry to keep you.”

Spencer didn’t reply, simply offered her a small shake of his head before he hurried past her down the corridor.

That had been close to an hour ago now. The rest of the team had called it a night but Luke remained alone in the office. Spencer’s jacket and satchel hung on the back of his chair so he knew the younger man wouldn’t have left and Luke couldn’t bring himself to leave while Spencer was still here.

He spent the better part of a half hour trying to talk himself into checking on Spencer. He didn’t want to overstep the mark, he’d seen the way in which he’d shot Garcia down when she tried to talk to him and could only assume he would meet a similar fate. Maybe he could just let Spencer know he was here, that he could talk to him if he needed someone. Spencer would no doubt reject him, but at least Luke might be able to sleep a little easier at night knowing he’d tried.

Either way Luke knew he wasn’t going to leave before he saw Spencer, so no matter how long this internal debate went on, it was always going to end the same. So he swallowed his nerves and forced himself down to the men’s bathroom.

***

Spencer Reid was incredibly adept at compartmentalisation. It was something that came part and parcel of being an FBI Agent for so many years.

Frequently it was required to put his own feelings aside, separate the personal from the professional. He was so well versed in it, it came as second nature at this point.

But there was never more need for this skill after his release from Milburn.

When JJ had led him out of the prison gates and he’d seen Penelope standing there, eyes glossy with tears, he’d had to force back his own. He’d fallen into her arms, relishing in the feeling of being out, in the arms of one of his best friends and he’d almost crumbled.

But he couldn’t. Not yet.

His mom was still missing and if he had any chance of finding her he had to face off with Cat Adams again first. And to do that, he had to be in control of his emotions.

He pigeonholed his feelings, putting a little pin in them for the time being. If he showed Cat any sign of weakness, no matter how small, his mother was as good as dead.

And then once they found his mom alive and well, he’d almost allowed himself to succumb to all those emotions he’d bottled up in the past three months. Almost. But then he’d had to put his breakdown on hold again when Scratch kidnapped Emily.

He barely held it together during that case, one he wasn’t even supposed to be working as he wasn’t technically reinstated. Throwing books at walls and scaring the living daylights out of Garcia certainly wasn’t the signs of a healthy, well adjusted man. Luke had confronted him when he couldn’t stop pressing his palms into his eye sockets, trying to make him feel better with his talks of PTSS. And maybe it worked for a short while. It helped at the very least to get Spencer through until Emily was found.

Once she was back and safe he expected himself to crumble. But then he was mandated therapy and had to go through the whole rigmarole of being perceived to be capable enough to be reinstated. So once again his breakdown had to be put on the backburner just long enough for his therapist to deem him stable enough to return to work. And once that happened he was working back to back cases, teaching whenever he wasn’t at the BAU and his demise fell by the wayside.

He didn’t have a second to stop and let himself fragment, and maybe in part, that was intentional. Maybe he’d deliberately kept himself busy to stop himself from reliving the three months he spent in prison so as to protect himself. Because Spencer knew that once he gave in, once he allowed himself to deal with the full weight of what he’d been through, he’d never come back from it.

He didn’t exactly know why today was the day he’d spiralled. Arguably being in that bunker, trapped in a confined space once again was clearly the trigger. He knew it wouldn’t take much to push him over the ledge he’d been straddling since his arrest. And now the straw had broken the proverbial camel's back and Spencer had snapped, spiralling into the abyss he’d been narrowly avoiding since he’d been released and he was sure there would be no recovering from this.

He’d excused himself to use the bathroom but time had ceased to exist since then. He could have been gone five minutes or five days for all he knew. He’d made it into the bathroom, to the sink and the mirror hanging above it. But he hadn’t seen his own reflection staring back at him; Cat Adams was staring back at him. She smirked at him before she started laughing maniacally, chiding him about what a fucking mess she’d made of him and his life.

Oh Spencie, I really did ruin you didn’t I? You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you like this. Broken. Destroyed. I took everything from you and I loved every minute of it.

Her sick and twisted voice sounded out around him and when he blocked his ears with his hands her voice only got louder. Her laughter grew more menacing, her image swarming his brain even when he closed his eyes. He stumbled backwards from the mirror and collapsed on the floor, hands still pressed firmly against his ears and eyes screwed tightly shut, mumbling under his breath.

Go away! Leave me alone, you bitch! You don’t get to win, I won’t let you beat me!

And that was how Luke found him.

Seeing his friend on the bathroom floor, muttering and rocking and back and forth had all the makings of a psychotic break. Luke had never had to deal with someone in a situation like this. Was it similar to sleepwalking? Would it be dangerous to try and snap Spencer out of his state? It was only when he noticed the blood that his rational thinking flew out of the window and he darted to Spencer’s side.

“Reid? Oh my god, Reid are you ok?” He threw himself on the floor next to Spencer, quickly finding the source of the blood.

His knuckles were shredded and judging by the broken glass shards littered around him, Luke thought it was a pretty safe bet that Spencer had punched the mirror.

“Reid? Can you hear me, man?” He pried Spencer’s right hand away from his ear and inspected the wound. It was still bleeding but it looked as though there was thankfully no glass in his knuckles.

“Leave me alone you bitch!” Spencer screamed, banging his head back against the tiled wall. “Just leave me alone!”

“Reid, it’s Luke. Spencer? It’s just me. Can you look at me?” He used his free hand to cup Spencer’s jaw, hoping the contact would make Spencer open his eyes.

It did. But Luke almost wished he hadn’t.

Spencer’s usually animated and beautiful eyes were void of any kind of emotion. He was looking right at Luke but he could tell Spencer couldn’t see him.

“Please. I just want to forget.” He mumbled now, lip quivering.

“Spencer, who are you talking to?” Luke was pretty sure he already knew the answer to that but he asked it all the same.

Spencer’s pupils dilated before shrinking again a few times as if he was trying to adjust to the face in front of him. Blood was dripping from his knuckles onto Luke’s hand but he barely noticed.

“Spencer?” Luke tried again. “Who do you think you’re talking to?”

Spencer’s eyes glazed over and his head rolled back against the wall. When he spoke it was only one word but it haunted Luke to his core.

“C-Cat.” He mumbled and then his entire body went limp and his eyes fell closed. His body seemed to crumble but thankfully Luke’s reaction times were faster and he managed to hold his arms out for Spencer to fall into, his head crashing against Luke’s chest as opposed to the hard floor.

***

“Leave me alone you bitch!”

“Spencie, it’s only me. Spencer? It’s just me. Can you look at me?”

“Please. I just want to forget.”

“Spencie, who the hell do you think you’re talking to?”

“C-Cat.”

The next thing Spencer was conscious of was the sound of an engine idling. With his eyes closed he imagined himself behind the wheel of that truck, hauling ass through the Mexican desert in his pursuit of Lindsey Vaughn. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times as the light from an overhead street lamp flooded his retinas.

The vibrations from the vehicle rumbled through his legs and up his spine and aided in bringing him back down to earth. He felt a presence next to him and he slowly turned his head to the side. He held his breath, genuinely afraid he would meet the eyes of the woman who had ruined his life. But it wasn’t the evil hit woman he found looking back at him from the driver's seat. He breathed a sigh of relief as he met the other man’s gaze.

“Luke,” he whispered, nodding his head a little. “Hi.”

“You have no idea how good it is to hear you say my name.” Luke’s lip twitched into a smile but his eyes were sad.

“Where are we?” Spencer ignored the confusion that swelled in his brain at Luke’s words and tried to focus on something smaller.

“In my car. Outside your apartment.”

Spencer frowned, glancing away from Luke and out of the passenger’s window. He cast his eyes up at the familiar building they were parked in front of.

“Right. Ok.” He nodded but his confusion was written on his face.

It was then he noticed a pain in his right hand and he looked down to where it was cradled in his lap to see a thick bandage around his knuckles. Spencer’s head was spinning. He had so many questions that were fighting for first place that it quickly induced a throbbing in his temples.

He raised his hands to the sides of his head and dug his fingers into his skin, massaging the offending areas.

“Are you ok?” Luke sounded panic stricken all of a sudden and he reached across the centre console and placed his hand on Spencer’s knee.

“Hmm.” Spencer mumbled. “Just…a lot of things going on in my head.”

“You never let yourself deal with what happened to you in prison.” Luke removed his hand and sat back in his seat.

Spencer didn’t reply, just continued to knead his temples furiously.

“Let me help you inside.” Luke unfastened his seatbelt and opened the car door.

Spencer hadn’t moved by the time he rounded the vehicle and opened his own door. It took him a few more seconds to snap back and he lowered his hands so he could undo his seatbelt.

He swung his legs out of the car and they shook a little when he stood. He used the door to steady himself for a moment before he trusted himself to move. Luke hovered behind him as he walked, scared the man might collapse but thankfully he made it to the door. Luke followed him inside, carrying his bag and jacket he’d taken from Spencer’s desk.

He stayed close behind Spencer as he took to the stairs and watched as he fumbled a little unlocking his front door, clearly still not fully with it. It could take a while for him to come back completely. If he ever did. Luke’s main priority became making sure that didn’t happen.

Spencer let him inside and if he realised the state or his apartment, he didn’t show it. While he kicked off his converse and hung up his blazer, Luke surveyed the chaos of Spencer’s usually perfectly tidy home. He’d only ever been yhere a handful of times, mostly when Spencer was incarcerated and Luke would accompany JJ or Garcia to visit Spencer’s mom. It had struck him each time how pristine the apartment was. Everything seemed to have a place, not a single book was out of line. And right now it was barely recognisable as Spencer’s home.

He imagined the state of the apartment reflected the state of Spencer’s mind. Books had been ripped from their places on the shelves and tossed haphazardly across the room, some pages even having been torn from their spines as if Spencer had been searching for some kind of answer within those books. Dirty mugs and plates littered his desk and coffee table. A bottle of red wine had spilt and soaked into the rug next to the couch. Case files and pieces of paper were strewn around the room but Spencer didn’t seem to notice.

Luke watched him head across the room, expertly stepping over the debris in a path he’d memorised in his head. He bypassed the couch and strolled straight into his bedroom, seemingly forgetting Luke was with him.

“I’m gonna uh…put the kettle on.” Luke called after him but he received no response.

Sighing to himself, Luke carefully stepped around the destruction on route to the kitchen. He found that room in much the same state of disarray. Cupboards were left open, the sink was full to bursting with dirty dishes, coffee powder and sugar granules coated much of the counter. There were no clean mugs so after he filled the kettle and set it to boil he started on some of Spencer’s washing up.

He got about half way through the pile by the time it boiled and left the dishes to dry on the draining rack. He fixed Spencer a coffee, with slightly less sugar than the genius usually took, Luke thought he was probably on edge enough. He carried the coffee through the living room, dodging book detritus on his way.

Spencer’s bedroom door was open so Luke didn’t knock, he shuffled his way inside to find it much like the other rooms in the apartment, this one was also trashed. His bed was unmade, the sheet untucked from one corner and peeling back from the mattress while the duvet sat crumpled at the end. It seemed as though he’d emptied the entirety of his closet across his bedroom floor and items of clothing lay creased in piles all over the place.

The only thing not in Spencer’s bedroom was Spencer.

Luke placed the coffee mug on the bureau in the corner as he picked up on the sound he’d missed when he entered the room. He frowned as he looked towards the door at the far side, presumably leading to the bathroom. The shower was running. That was a good sign, right?

Wrong.

“Reid, you ok in there?” Luke shuffled towards the door that had been left cracked an inch.

Spencer didn’t reply, all that could be heard was the sound of the water from the shower head.

“Spencer? Talk to me, man.” He was right by the door now, one hand flush on the wood.

Once again he got no response. The last thing Luke wanted to do was walk in on Spencer in the shower. Well, not the last thing. It wasn’t as though Luke had never imagined sharing a shower with the eccentric and beautiful genius, it just hadn’t been under these particular circumstances. He edged the door open slightly, not daring to step in just yet, not unless he felt he had to.

“Spencer? Please answer me.” He tried again but once again he was met by silence.

He had two options. One, he waited it out, hoped that eventually Spencer would come out of the bathroom and Luke wouldn’t have to invade his privacy. Or secondly, he could go and check on Spencer only to find the man was probably just showering off a long day. But something in his gut was telling him that Spencer wasn’t simply showering. He knew what he had to do. With a sigh, Luke pushed open the bathroom door and stepped inside.

***

“I’m gonna uh…put the kettle on.”

Spencer registered Luke’s voice from the other room but he didn’t process his words. Stepping into his bedroom and once again catching the woman glaring at him from the mirror over the bureau, he was lost to his own world.

Ask me how I did it. Come on, ask me.

How did you do it?

I had Lindsey dose you in Mexico. You lost time. And I gave her very specific instructions to get you in the mood.

You’re lying. That didn’t happen.

Why would I lie to you, Spencie? I’m many things, but a liar isn’t one of them.

He spun away from the mirror, rage pulsing through every one of his veins. She had to be lying, she couldn’t have done that to him. Even by Cat’s standards that had to be too far.

But what if she wasn’t lying? He was missing such a large chunk of time from that Mexican hotel, he would probably never be able to piece together what had happened to him. Cat’s baby may not be his, but that’s not to say Lindsey hadn’t assaulted him while he’d been drugged.

No. It’s not true. Even you wouldn’t stoop so low.

I wanted to hurt you worse than you’ve been before. I’d stop at nothing to destroy you, Spencer.

“No, no. Couldn’t have happened. Wouldn’t have happened.” He started to pace, ignoring the discarded clothing on the floor.

His skin started to itch and he felt unfathomably dirty all of a sudden. He unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt and forced his sleeve up to his elbow, scratching the skin of his forearm to relieve some tension. It didn’t work. He felt like his skin was boiling, like it might melt off of his body. He wasn’t clean. If what Cat said was true he might never be clean again.

“Dirty. Dirty. I’m unclean. I’m filthy.” His feet led him to the bathroom without realising where he was going.

Once in the bathroom he turned on the shower and without bothering to get undressed he climbed into the tub and sat under the flow of water. It cascaded around him, soaking through his shirt and slacks in no time at all. He pulled his legs to his chest and hugged his knees.

“Unclean. I’m so unclean.” He mumbled against the sodden fabric of his pants.

He kept muttering to himself, hoping the water would cleanse of him whatever Lindsey did or didn’t do to him in Mexico. He was so caught up in his battle with the voices in his head he forgot Luke’s presence in his apartment and didn’t hear him calling for him. He didn’t hear the door creak open or the footsteps on the linoleum floor.

When Luke pulled back the shower curtain, he covered his eyes with one hand, not wanting to deliberately see Spencer naked in the shower although at any other point in time he would be ok with that outcome. He peaked out between his fingers and found Spencer on the floor of the tub, wet clothes clinging to his frame that appeared so small and fragile as he hugged his legs tightly.

“I’m unclean.” He spoke, his voice monotone. But Luke knew it wasn’t him he was speaking to.

Luke felt his heart practically shatter in his chest. It was worse than he thought. So much worse. He wasn’t sure he could handle this on his own. But who would he call? He had to try and step up for Spencer.

“Spence, buddy. Can you hear me?”

Spencer stopped mumbling all of a sudden and his eyes shot up to Luke. For the second time that day Luke saw the lack of recognition in his friend's eyes.

“Spencer, it’s me, Luke. Luke Alvez.” He reached out and switched off the faucet and the water from the shower ceased to fall.

Spencer resembled a frightened newborn animal, thrust into the world without a clue as to where they came from. His wet hair fell in his eyes and his white shirt was all but see through. His fingers drummed against his shin and he rocked a little in the tub.

“Am I…am I clean?” He asked, bottom lip quivering ever so slightly.

“Yeah man,” Luke sniffed back his anguish. “You’re all clean. Let’s get you dried off.”

Luke had seen the tapes of the interrogation of Cat Adams after Spencer’s release. He knew what Cat had told him, that she’d had Lindsey sexually assault him while he was under the influence, and it was clear to him that’s what this had to be about.

If she really did that to him I’ll kill her with my bare hands. Both of them. If he doesn’t come back from this I’ll kill them too.

Spencer let Luke help him to his feet and out of the tub with little to no protest. He stood in the bathroom, clothes dripping all over the floor but Spencer neither noticed or cared.

Luke grabbed a towel off of the rail and turned back to Spencer who was staring at the wall, unmoving. He couldn’t let Spencer stay in these wet clothes, he had to undress him.

This is so not how I pictured this happening.

“Spencer, you with me?” Luke asked, standing in his line of sight.

Spencer didn’t speak, but he nodded his head a little.

“Ok, good. I’m gonna have to get you out of these clothes ok?”

Again Spencer simply nodded in reply.

Luke sighed as he stepped forward and brought his slightly shaking hands up to the top button of Spencer’s shirt. He started slowly popping the buttons, peeling the wet fabric away from Spencer’s skin, untucking it from his pants and finally discarding it on the edge of the bath.

His bandage on his knuckles was sodden, Luke would have to find a first aid kit and redress his wound. But one problem at a time.

He wrapped the towel around Spencer’s shoulders, keeping his eyes averted and not letting himself look at Spencer’s exposed torso for longer than necessary. He wanted to look, but it would feel like taking advantage of him. Spencer was more vulnerable than he’d ever been and Luke wasn’t abusing his trust.

Once the towel was secured around his shoulders, Spencer surprised him by raising his arms and gripping the edge of the downy fabric, keeping it tightly around himself. Luke smiled a little to himself, it was at least some kind of progress.

“Can you hear me, Spencer? I’m going to need to hear your voice.”

Spencer blinked a few times, still nodding his head. But then he opened his mouth.

“Yes.” He croaked out. “Yes I can hear you, Luke.”

Luke had never been so happy to hear his name. He offered Spencer a weak smile in return.

“Thank you.” He swallowed. “Do you think you can get your pants off while I find you some dry clothes?”

Spencer narrowed his eyes, clearly trying to process what Luke was saying. He blinked several more times in quick succession.

“Y-yes.” He nodded again. “Yes. I t-think I can do that.”

“Good. Great.” Luke encouraged him. “I’ll grab you some clothes, I’ll be right back ok?”

Spencer nodded, looking down at his lower body as Luke left the room. For some unbeknownst reason, it seemed like an impossible feat ahead of him, more like scaling Mount Everest than the simple act of undressing. Spencer found a lot recently that the usually most effortless of tasks posed themselves as some of the biggest obstacles. Cleaning dirty dishes. Doing laundry. Putting a book away. They’d become mammoth undertakings that he saw as impossible to achieve.

But Luke was here now. Luke was here and Cat wasn’t. He had to keep reminding himself of that. And Luke had asked him to do this simple task, he could do it for him.

Just focus. Unbutton the pants. Take them off. It’s not that hard.

Luke surveyed the scattered clothes on the bedroom floor, trying to spot something comfortable for Spencer to wear. He rummaged around for a while until he found an old pair of checked pyjama pants and a CalTech t-shirt. They weren’t necessarily clean, but they would have to do for now.

“Spencer?” He called through to the bathroom. “Can I come in?”

“Hmm.” Was all the response he received.

Unsure if that meant Spencer was decent or not, he cautiously entered the bathroom again. Spencer’s pants were in a pile on the floor and he dared look at the man, breathing a sigh of relief to see he had the towel wrapped around his waist. He was staring off at the wall, in some kind of trance once again.

The speed in which Spencer was slipping in and out of the world around him was terrifying. Luke really was in over his head here, he didn’t have experience with this kind of psychosis, if that’s what this was. Maybe it was just extreme exhaustion coupled with extreme trauma. Either way, Luke was not equipped to deal with whatever Spencer was going through. But he wasn’t about to stop trying.

“Can you get dressed?” He proffered the clothes towards Spencer but the other man didn’t move.

With a sigh Luke moved closer to him, and when Spencer didn’t show any signs of noticing him, he slipped the shirt over his head. Spencer’s limbs were like a rag doll as Luke worked on getting his arms in the sleeves and Spencer did nothing to help. He smoothed it down so it was covering Spencer’s torso and tried to not dwell on how fucking weird this was.

Getting his pants on was going to be a little more difficult. And potentially awkward. Luke kneeled down in front of Spencer, wrapping his hand gently around Spencer’s left ankle and guiding it into one leg of the pants. He repeated the movement with the other leg, all the while Spencer stood frozen.

Standing up and taking the sides of the pants, he pulled them up with him, over Spencer’s calves and thighs until he reached the towel. Luke looked up at the ceiling as he pulled the garment up under the towel, trying to save as much of Spencer’s dignity as he could. Once he had them secured around Spencer’s hips, he got rid of the towel for the younger man.

“Do you have a first aid kit?” Luke looked at the sopping bandage.

Spencer’s eyes dilated like they had earlier before shrinking again, like he was trying to focus on something but Luke wasn’t sure what. He didn’t get any other kind of communication from him. Luke sighed to himself and looked around the bathroom. He kept his own first aid kit in a cupboard over the sink. Spencer didn’t have a cupboard over the sink. But there was one under it.

He moved across the room and crouched down to open the cupboard. To his relief the little kit he was looking for was tucked away inside. He pulled it out and found a bandage inside. He brought it back over to Spencer and the other man didn’t show any signs of registering Luke raising his right hand and carefully unwrapping the wet bandage.

His knuckles were caked in dried blood so without saying anything he guided Spencer to the sink and turned on the faucet. He held Spencer’s hand under the flow of water, gently brushing the blood from his skin with his thumb. Once his hand was clean he used a towel to dab his hand dry before reapplying the new bandage. The whole time Spencer didn’t look at him, didn’t move.

He secured the bandage and looked back up to meet Spencer’s eye which was harder than it should have been.

“When was the last time you ate?” Luke asked him softly.

Once again Spencer was looking at him but his gaze went through him. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Are you hungry?” He tried again and was met by a shake of Spencer’s head.

“Tired?”

This time Spencer nodded.

“Ok, I can put you to bed?”

Again Spencer nodded, but he didn’t move. Luke had to try and pretend this whole situation wasn’t entirely breaking his heart. He had to keep his emotions at bay, tell himself this wasn’t killing him to see Spencer like this otherwise he wouldn’t be able to get through this. And Spencer needed him to be strong right now.

He wrapped an arm around Spencer’s waist and Spencer seemed to deflate in an instant. His body crumpled against Luke’s, his entire weight being held up solely by Luke’s strong arms. Luke slowly started towards the bed, Spencer’s feet dragging along the floor like he physically didn’t have the energy left to lift his legs.

Luke guided him onto the bed and when he let go of the younger man, he caved in on himself, flopping to the mattress where Luke had set him down. With a heavy heart, he took Spencer’s feet and swung them up onto the bed. He located the duvet, briefly noting the coffee he’d made on the bureau and making a mental note to clear it away, before draping the sheet over Spencer still form.

He was curled on his side, eyes still open, staring straight ahead at the opposite wall. Luke couldn’t help but crouch next to the bed and stroke Spencer’s wet hair back off of his face. When he went to pull away he was startled by Spencer grabbing his wrist.

His long, slender fingers wrapped around him, his eyes suddenly staring right at him. He looked as if he had so much to say but didn’t know how to voice it. Luke tried to encourage him without the use of words. This time there was no doubt in his mind as to whether or not Spencer recognised him. It was the clearest he’d looked at Luke since he’d found him in the bathroom at the BAU. Spencer knew who he was. A little piece of him was coming back.

“Are you leaving?” Spencer’s voice sounded hollow, distant and so unlike himself.

“I was going to let you get some rest. But I can come back tomorrow if you’d like?” Luke’s hand was still on Spencer’s forehead, being held in place by Spencer’s grip on his wrist.

“Don’t leave me alone.” He whispered. “Don’t leave me alone with her.”

Luke wasn’t sure if the her he referred to was Cat or Lindsey but it didn’t particularly matter. There was no way on earth Luke was going to let Spencer be alone if he didn’t want to be. He was going to be here for as long as Spencer needed or wanted him to be.

Spencer let go of Luke’s wrist as if testing the waters to see if he would leave. Luke stroked back the rest of his hair and smiled softly at the terrified looking man in front of him.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He assured him. “Get some rest, I’ll be right out there.” He nodded his head towards the door, but Spencer was shaking his head.

“No.” He whimpered. “No, she can still get to me when you’re gone.”

Luke felt a sharp pang in his chest, his heart breaking even further at the sad, pathetic tone in Spencer’s voice.

“What would you like me to do, Spencer? I’ll do anything you need me to.”

Spencer rolled his bottom lip between his teeth as though contemplating this for a moment or two. Then he heaved a pent up sigh and slowly rolled over a little, patting the now free space on the mattress with his bandaged hand.

“Lay with me?” He sniffed, and that’s when Luke noticed the tears behind his eyes. “Please. Please don’t go.”

It was hard to say exactly how many pieces Luke’s heart was shattered into at this point. Every bone in his body, every muscle, ached for the torment that must be going on in Spencer’s head.

“Ok. I can do that.” Luke gave him a slightly shaky smile.

When he stood back up, Spencer whined a little but Luke offered him a look to tell him he wasn’t leaving. He shrugged off his jacket and toed off his boots before lowering himself to the bed in the small space Spencer had created for him. He swung his legs up, settling his head back against the pillow.

As soon as he was settled Spencer quickly shuffled as close as was physically possible to Luke, his head coming to rest on Luke’s chest, nuzzling himself into Luke’s side.

An ear piercing sob wracked Spencer’s whole body and he buried his head into the fabric of Luke’s t-shirt. Luke wrapped Spencer in his arms, pulling him impossibly closer. He ran his fingers through Spencer’s wet and tangled hair and held him while he sobbed, imagining they were the first tears he’d let escape since his release. He clutched Luke’s shirt, balling the material up in his hand furiously.

“It’s ok cariño, I’m here. It’s ok.” He cooed, rocking Spencer slightly.

“Will it ever get better? Will she ever leave?” Spencer’s muffled sobs were hard to make out but Luke got the gist of it.

“I promise you it will get better. If it’s the last thing I do, I will help you through this, Spencer.”

Spencer became incoherent after that, crying and mumbling into Luke’s chest while Luke held him and tried to provide a little semblance of comfort to the man who needed it so much.

Hours seemed to pass and at one point Luke worried he may never stop crying. But eventually he wore himself out, or ran out of tears or maybe even both. His breathing started to calm, evening out slowly until his body went limp in Luke’s arms.

Luke didn’t expect Spencer would have a peaceful night's sleep, but it just might be restful enough for him to garner the energy to fight his demons another day.

***

Spencer’s eyes fluttered and he grumbled at the slight dull ache in the back of his head. He was used to waking up with a headache, that was a side effect of all the pent up emotions and thoughts he refused to let win.

But today was different. It wasn’t the typical excruciating pain he was used to waking up with, the kind no amount of Advil could tame. It was just a dull throb, relatively minor. He could definitely deal with that.

It took him a moment or two to realise that his pillow beneath his head was significantly harder than he remembered it being. He forced his eyes open, rubbed them with one hand and blinked a few times.

He shuffled a little, trying to find a comfortable spot but it was like his pillow had been replaced by…

“Morning, Reid.”

Spencer swallowed thickly as his eyes looked up into those of Luke Alvez. The pillow beneath his head, not a pillow at all, but Luke’s rock hard chest.

It was then Spencer realised his right leg was draped over Luke’s and his arm was wrapped around Luke’s waist.

Luke’s cheeks were flushed red as he looked down at the younger man using him as a life sized stuffed animal. Spencer blinked a few more times, trying to remember how he’d ended up here, in the arms of the one man he’d always wanted to find in his bed.

“Uh…hi?” Spencer croaked, his confusion written all over his face. He didn’t move though, he wasn’t sure why other than the fact being in Luke’s arms was warm and he felt safe. “Did I drink last night?”

“No.” Luke chuckled sadly, bringing his hand up to Spencer’s face and brushing back his unruly curls from his forehead. “You don’t remember?”

“No.” Spencer swallowed again. “I think that…maybe it’s best that I don’t. At least right now anyway.”

“Why’s that?” Luke kept stroking his hair and Spencer adored the way it felt.

“Because,” Spencer smiled a little, the tiniest movement of his lip but it was more than Luke had seen in a long time. “For the first time since I left prison, I feel light. And I don’t want that to go away just yet.”

“Fair enough.” Luke smiled back at him, fingertips grazing down from his forehead, down his cheek and jaw until he let it fall to his side. “We will have to talk about it though.”

“I know.” Spencer nodded, dreading what he could have gotten himself into to end up here. “But for now, can we just stay like this? Just a little longer?”

“Of course we can.” Luke agreed.

Spencer settled back onto Luke’s chest and Luke held him tightly. Spencer didn’t know how he’d ended up here but it was the best thing that could have happened to him. For the first time in months, Spencer Reid felt safe. He felt calm, like just for a moment his demons were silenced by the strong arms of Luke. It wouldn’t last, he was sure of it, but that didn’t matter right now. All that he cared about in that moment was how unburdened he felt for the first time since Mexico, since Cat Adams and Lindsey Vaughn. Maybe even for the first time ever.

Chances were it would pass, like most good things in his life. But for now Spencer was going to relish in the peace and quiet for as long as it lasted. Here in Luke’s arms he was safe from harm, protected from the wicked clutches of Cat Adams and all the other evils of the world. Luke Alvez was Spencer’s guardian angel, that he was sure of.

The two men laid in silence for some time, Luke’s hand languidly stroking Spencer’s hair while Spencer concentrated on the rhythmic beating of Luke’s heart.

Eventually, a sigh escaped Luke’s lips and his hand stilled on the back of Spencer’s neck.

“You know you need to get help right? The professional kind.” He spoke in hushed tones, not wanting to startle the younger man.

“Yeah I know.” Spencer’s voice trembled. “But Luke?” Spencer shifted in his arms so he could look up at Luke through watery eyes.

“Yes, Spencer?”

“I don’t know if I can…if I can do it alone.” He swallowed thickly, his eyes pleading Luke to never leave him.

Luke smiled at him and couldn’t stop himself when he bowed his head and placed a tender kiss on Spencer’s forehead.

He’d known from the moment he met Spencer that he’d do just about anything for this man. That had never changed, he’d never wavered from his belief that he would protect this creature with his life. If anything, at that moment, he was even more sure of that fact. If Spencer Reid needed him, he could have him, in any capacity.

Spencer’s lips twitched into a smile at the sensation of Luke’s lips pressing against his fragile skin. When Luke pulled away, he saw a light behind Spencer’s eyes he hadn’t seen since before his arrest.

He had a long way to go, huge mountains left to climb. But he’d take it one day at a time, and Luke would be there for him every painful step of the way.

“You’ll never be alone, Spencer.” He whispered, cupping the other man’s jaw lightly in his palm. “I promise you, you’ll never be alone again.”

Spencer’s tears overflowed at the sentiment as he nodded his head in understanding. He had a long, dark road ahead of him, but as long as Luke Alvez was the light guiding his way, the shadows lining his path didn’t seem quite as formidable as they did yesterday.

Taglist

@andiebeaword @muffin-cup @takeyourleap-of-faith @thebloomingeagle @dirtytissuebox @smurphyse @ssa-uglywhore27 @reidselle @reidsbookclub @drayshadow @dreatine

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #luke alvez #ralvez #ralvez fanfic #ralvez fanfiction #spencer reid x luke alvez #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic

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foxy-eva · 2 years ago

Text

Patience & Hope

Summary: Spencer and Luke learn what being a family really means

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Luke Alvez

Category: Hurt/Comfort

Request by @sassymoon: established relationship, having an argument, mental health issues, adopting a pet

Content Warnings: Post-Prison Spencer, implied/referenced mental health issues (Spencer), crying, mentions of not wanting children

Word count: 1.8

Masterlist

Seeing his boyfriend around his godsons always made Luke's heart jump, a warmth spreading through his chest whenever Michael or Henry broke out in giggles at Spencer's goofiness.

Those moments seemed to be so rare - Spencer smiling and laughing as if he didn't still carry all the weight prison left on his shoulders. More than anything, Luke wished for a life where he could see his partner being that happy every day.

It was hard not letting his mind wander to a fantasy of seeing Spencer with children of their own. It was something Luke had thought about countless times but managed to keep it in.

Until that day.

On their way home from JJ's house, Luke couldn't hold back any longer. He averted his eyes from the road to find the warm amber of Spencer's irises.

"You'd be such a great dad," Luke cooed.

To his surprise, Spencer didn't respond, instead he showed him a shy smile before turning his head to look out of the window of the passenger seat. A knot built in Luke's stomach at the realization that it had not been the right moment to bring up this topic.

It was still too early in their relationship to have talked about the future a lot. Even though Spencer had never explicitly told him about wanting children, Luke had always assumed that he would want to be a father one day.

Neither of them dared to speak for the rest of the car ride. It wasn't unlike Spencer to shut down when he was scared to say the wrong thing and it wasn't unlike Luke to hold back so he wouldn't scare his boyfriend away.

They had both worked hard to carefully take down Spencer's walls when they started dating but things were still so fragile.

Luke watched Spencer as he sat down on the couch and nervously fidgeted with his fingers. He found his place beside the other man and carefully brushed over the back of his hand, a sigh of relief escaping Luke's throat when Spencer opened his palm to welcome his boyfriend's touch. With fingers intertwined and concern still visible on both of their faces, they found each other's eyes to talk about the inevitable.

"I'm sorry," Luke mumbled when the silence between the two of them became unbearable for him. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable," Spencer clarified. "I'm nervous."

Luke gently squeezed his hand to encourage him to keep on talking. "Why are you nervous?"

"Because–" Spencer paused to avert his eyes from Luke, staring at the floor instead.

With a tender motion Luke touched his partner's jaw to turn his head again until they locked eyes once more.

"Please talk to me, Spencer," he pleaded.

The glistening in his eyes revealed that Spencer wasn't just nervous about voicing his thoughts, he was terrified.

"I don't want to have kids and I'm scared you're gonna leave me for someone who does."

Spencer's voice broke at the last syllable as sobs started wrecking through his body. Luke was quick to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, pressing their chests together to keep him close to his heart – exactly where he belonged.

Spencer became so small inside Luke's arms, his limbs bent and folded to the point where it was impossible to recognize the grown man he was. Right then Luke wasn't comforting his boyfriend, no. He was holding a scared little boy, longing for someone to stay and protect him from the chaos of the world.

He placed a soft kiss into Spencer's unruly curls before whispering, "I won't leave you. I promise," over and over again until he was sure that his boyfriend had heard him.

After a few moments Luke heard his boyfriend mumble something into the fabric of his shirt. It was inaudible, so he tried to lean back to be able to hear Spencer's words. The man in his arms didn't let him, though, and held onto his body tightly to hinder him from moving away.

"It's okay, I won't go anywhere," Luke spoke softly. "I just couldn't understand what you were saying."

"I don't want to be the reason you won't have a family," Spencer muttered as he dared to lean back.

With eyes rimmed red Spencer looked at his boyfriend, still convinced that this conversation could be the end of what they were. Luke, however, still radiated the same warmth and comfort he did anytime he came to visit in prison.

It had been him who gave Spencer hope to make it out of his cage alive. He was adamant in showing his love and didn't plan to stop doing that anytime soon.

"Spencer, I have found all the family I need with you. I'm perfectly happy to spend my future with just you. We don't need kids to be complete."

Luke's fingers made contact with his boyfriend's cheeks, carefully wiping away the tears from his face while whispering, "I love you."

It had been Luke who showed him that there were still so many reasons to keep holding on after he got out of prison – the sweetness of his lips being one of them.

It was a surprising move but Luke welcomed the feeling of Spencer's lips against his nonetheless.

There was no need for words to be spoken, this kiss expressed everything Spencer wanted Luke to know.

Thank you for finding me.

Thank you for staying with me.

Thank you for understanding me.

"I love you," he decided to say out loud.

The two men found comfort in their new-found realization that they didn't need to expand their family to be complete. Their bond only grew stronger over the next few weeks. Getting this conversation out of the way helped Spencer open up more, finally able to fully show his boyfriend the extent of his love.

They were wrapped inside each other's arms on the couch in Spencer's apartment when a loud knock disturbed their lazy Sunday afternoon.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Luke wondered as the other man got up from his place beside him.

"No I–," he was interrupted by another, more urgent sounding knock against his door.

He found a wide-eyed Penelope standing in his hallway, a small ball of fur pressed against her chest. She walked in before Spencer had the chance to invite her.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt you boys but this is an emergency!" She exclaimed while Luke got up from the couch as well.

The small ball of fur started moving, ears and eyes sticking out from Penelope's arms to reveal she was holding a kitten.

"I found her beside a dumpster, all freezing and scared. I wanted to take her in but Sergio apparently hates company and kept hissing at her. She's so scared and needs a safe place to stay!" She explained without taking a breath between her words.

The two men locked eyes with raised eyebrows and mouths agape.

Spencer turned his head to face Penelope again, voicing his concerns, "I'm not sure I can take care of a cat. Besides, Luke has a dog and they probably wouldn't get along."

"Actually, Roxy is very fond of kittens," Luke chimed in.

Spencer thought about it for a moment. It had taken him months to get used to the presence of Luke's dog, it didn't seem rational to make room for another pet in his life.

He laid eyes on the kitten in his friend's arms. It was tiny and fragile and so, so scared.

"I already gave her a bath and made sure she doesn't have any fleas," Penelope said. "Look at her! She just needs some love."

"And food, a littler box, toys, a scratcher, vet visits…," Spencer added.

"Spencer, just look at her," Luke suggested, his large puppy eyes not unlike his dog's whenever she wanted something.

Just when Luke wanted to reach out his hand to make contact with the tiny creature, the kitten started to squirm until she escaped Penelope's arms to jump onto the floor instead. After looking around for a split second, she ran into Spencer's bedroom to hide under the bed.

All of them followed the kitten, crouching down in front of the bed to take a look at the scared ball of fur. After several failed attempts to get her to come out, Penelope got up from the floor and concluded, "Looks like she wants to stay here."

Spencer had no interest in scaring the poor thing even more by forcefully getting her out from her hiding spot. He slowly warmed up to the thought of sharing his place with a cat.

"Okay."

Luke showed him a wide smile and excitedly exclaimed, "Okay?! Does this mean she can stay?"

"Yes, she can stay," Spencer confirmed.

Penelope was relieved to have found a home for the rescued kitten and promised the men to come by later to bring them cat food and other essentials to make the new roommate as comfortable as possible.

Spencer sat on the floor of his bedroom, his back leaning against the wall while he watched his partner laying on his stomach, trying to reach under the bed to get the cat to come out.

"Maybe you should give her some space," Spencer suggested.

Luke sighed defeatedly and shifted his position to sit beside his boyfriend.

"Yeah, you're right."

"We just need to stay here and wait. She probably needs some time to get used to our presence. She needs to be sure that we won't hurt her and she can trust us. That'll take some time but I'm sure she will eventually. We just have to be patient," Spencer let him know.

The men locked eyes before Luke confirmed, "Okay. I can do that."

"I know."

Spencer let his fingertips dance over the other man's palm before their fingers interlaced. They were both aware of the parallels of this situation to the beginning of their relationship.

In fact, Luke had often thought that Spencer resembled a scared animal when he was released from prison. He was desperate for someone to show him love and take care of him but had trouble not to let his claws show when someone got too close, terrified that he could get hurt again.

Luke softly smiled at Spencer, whispering, "It will be worth the wait."

They sat in comfortable silence as many moments passed. Just when they considered going back to the living room, they noticed some movement under the bed.

Slowly and carefully the furry creature showed herself, step by step coming out from under the bed. She was hesitant but eventually decided to move closer to the men sitting on the floor. Both of them tried not to move while intently watching the kitten.

After careful consideration the cat decided to sit down right next to Spencer's thigh, rubbing her face against the fabric of his pants.

Spencer turned his head to look at Luke, whispering, "I think I want to call her Hope."

Thank you so much for reading! Your comments mean the world to me and feedback helps me stay motivated to come up with more stories. Let me know what you think!

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