#speaking of BR looks like someone is obsessed

[crazycatladysims]

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[[ transcript below ]]

becca: so tell me more about this Jacob ...

eliza: Jacob? Volkov?

aubrey: ... know how to make cheese bread? the Brazilian one?

bob: actually, i do

eliza: Bob how well do you know that Collective kid? good morning. Aubrey.

bob: don't know any of them.

aubrey: i know him, he's pretty chill

eliza: always forget that you hang out with them ... Iggy and Jacob know each other?

aubrey: i guess ... don't they go to the same school?

*bell rings*

eliza: didn't know that. i'll be right back.

[ eliza meets theo that's is waiting with a awkward smile ]

theo: hm, hey i'm Theo. i have a booking?!

[paracosmic-murdock]

Could you do Benedict Bridgerton with wife reader?

Ben had always been the second son who had all the fun until the day he fell in love. From that moment, only her on his mind. Never once does his gaze befall someone else. He thinks all is well with her and their children. Until one day, she faints and reveals that she had fallen ill. (it wasn't terminal illness but her health was declining or she could survive from it. You choose) He didn't know what to think or do in this situation. Angst but ending with fluff. You decide how it goes. Add anything you want to. Thanks!! :))

hiii, thanks for your request <3 it's the first time i've gotten one and i'm excited and hoping not to disappoint!!! anyways, here it goes:

if there is no you

pairing: benedict bridgerton x wife!reader

summary: after many years of loving and having each other, you and benedict had a beautiful family and a perfect little life together until you fell ill one day and it all threatened to end. while you lied on your bed all day and night, fearing that you might leave your husband and children alone, benedict died a little each second that approached him further to losing you.

tags/warnings: mentions of chronic illness, not character death, grief, fear, angst, happy ending, song: soon you'll get better (taylor swift)

word count: 2.2K

❁ mila's anthology (main masterlist)

Benedict had believed his life as a bachelor would never end. He thought he would enjoy his singleness forever, that he could just sleep around, drink to unconsciousness, and party to death; but no.

The day he met you at Lady Danbury's home for a dinner party, he got immediately obsessed with you… utterly enamored.

You had a passionate and scandalous love story, one of those you can only see in romance novels. You even paved the way for the rest of Benedict's siblings to bring home scandals in the future: Daphne, Anthony, Eloise, Colin… all of them followed the footsteps of the second Bridgerton son, who settled down first than his siblings against all odds.

Your grandfather knew Lady Danbury through her late husband, and they had become great friends. As you had failed to find a husband to your liking, he and your parents sent you to Mayfair to live with Lady Danbury for the social season and help you find a husband. Which, ultimately, worked.

You were soon engaged to a fine gentleman. He was endearing and kind, and would surely make an amazing husband and father to many children with you. He could provide for you and give you a safe life. Lady Danbury had picked him just for you, and you were comfortable with that decision. That, until you met Benedict.

He had successfully managed to skip most social events, and when he didn't, you never actually saw each other. However, Lady Danbury decided to invite the Bridgertons to your engagement dinner, where you two formally met and changed the course of your lives completely.

Defying social étiquettes, Benedict decided to court you while you were engaged. You masked the yearning to see him with that socially imposed civility of a lady who has to receive whatever gentleman that approaches her.

He wrote you letters and snuck around to see you at night until before your wedding, during which he firmly spoke when it was time to speak or forever hold one's peace.

Under both compassionate and outraged looks, the two of you left that church and began your own love story. After the birth of your second child, the Ton forgot about the scandal behind your marriage and you lived happily ever after until you didn't.

It was one enjoyable afternoon at Aubrey Hall. The entire family was there: Anthony, Kate, Daphne, Simon, Colin, Penelope, Francesca, John, Gregory, Hyacinth, Lady Bridgerton, Lady Danbury, Lord Anderson, and, of course, the latest generation of Bridgerton children.

You and Benedict had made enough Bridgertons yourselves: Benedict II, the eldest, was seven years old, Benjamin, six, Blair, four, Blanche, two, and Béa, five months old.

Lady Bridgerton was ecstatic with the birth of your youngest. She had her granddaughter in her arms while her children and their spouses played pall mall in the broad backyard.

“Are you feeling well?” Eloise asked, noticing how you seemed fatigued.

You nodded, not wanting to miss a moment of the game. “Certainly, El.”

It was getting far too difficult to catch your breath, but you were sure you could control it, at least this once. You couldn't.

The next thing you saw was your husband beside you, holding your hand in his, near his mouth. You could feel the warmth of his words against the back of your hand, and almost hear the prayers falling from his lips.

He was never a man of God, but he considered changing that at the sight of you lying unconscious on that bed for several hours.

“Ben?”

Benedict let out all the breath in his lungs and rushed to hug you. “Thank God!”

You felt weak and dizzy, but didn't want to worry him anymore, so you reciprocated the embrace despite the headache it was causing.

“What happened?”

“We were playing with the family,” he answered. “And you fainted suddenly. We took you to the room and the doctor came to see you. He said that, taking your underlying symptoms into account, it might take hours for you to wake.”

“Oh…” you muttered, trying to ignore the reproach behind his words. “How long has it been?”

“Around five hours,” He sighed. “Do you want something, my love? Water, food?”

You pursed your lips. “Uh, water should be fine. Thank you.”

Your husband nodded and poured water in a glass. Once he sat beside you again, he gave you the water himself, making you smile.

“Where are the children?”

“They are having dinner with Mother.”

“How are they?”

“They are fine,” he assured you, but you knew he was lying. “Do not worry about the children, our family is taking good care of them. Mother is with Béa, so we mustn't worry about her too much.”

You pouted. “She must be hungry, Benedict. She certainly needs me! Bring her to me, please.”

“Are you sure? The doctor said you must rest.”

“Please, Ben.”

He couldn't say no. He could never say no to you.

Benedict was in front of you, sitting expectantly, awaiting your answer.

He wouldn't blame you for anything, for the last thing he should do right this moment is put you under stress. The doctor said that stress or worry would only make it worse, and Benedict wouldn't risk it. You, however, had to tell him the truth.

“They began two months before Béa's birth,” you finally spoke. “It was sporadic at the start, just pain in my chest every now and then, difficulty breathing sometimes, until it turned into something bigger. My heart starts pounding really, really fast, and sometimes I faint like I did yesterday. But now, I-”

Your husband's face was the most afflicted you have ever seen, and you felt guilty for hiding it from him for so long.

“I'm sorry,” A soft whimper left your mouth. “I know I should have told you months ago, but I could not bear the thought of upsetting you over something I was able to control.”

“Is that why you have chosen to carry the weight of your illness all by yourself? To not upset me?”

You nodded. “We are happy. We deserve to be without anything ruining it.”

“The children and I, we are happy. You cannot possibly be happy under the burden of that secret of yours.”

“I never intended for this to happen, I figured it would go away one day, it was never this complicated-”

“I know that, my dear,” Benedict sighed. “I am right here with you, alright? Always.”

You held back the tears. “How did you find out?”

“Dahlia got scared and told me the truth,” he answered, mentioning the involvement of your lady maid. “She said you have been in denial for months, and that this was not the first time this has happened. Your health has been decaying for a long time, but you wouldn't accept it.”

“Ben, I… I am scared.”

“I know,” He looked up at the ceiling and then at you. “Do not be. Everything will be alright.”

He kissed your hand and gave you a sweet smile.

“Thank you for being here.”

“I will always be here for you, Y/N. I love you more than anything,” Benedict replied, swallowing his own feelings. “What if you make some space for me there beside you? Can you do that for me?”

You let out a soft laugh, remembering for a quick second how much you missed your husband's jokes and that whimsical attachment you adored, oh, so much. He always made you feel like the new girl in London who caught his attention and made him do all sorts of follies. You were that girl the day you met, the day you gave birth to your third child, and right this moment. He loved you, and it was so maddening that his delusions passed as hope.

Benedict wanted you to get better, but the doctor said you probably wouldn't.

He thought you were full of life, even when your voice was hoarse and your skin a little too cold for an alive person. He thought you would be fine even when you said goodbye to him every night as if it was gonna be the last time.

What was he supposed to do? He had to hold onto hope. You had to live and see your children grow up. You had to see them marry and carry your grandchildren.

You were merely eight and twenty. You couldn't die and leave him.

Benedict hated it when he realized that he was making it all about him, but how else was he supposed to decipher how he felt about the possibility of losing you? He didn't see himself capable of dealing with your loss and keep going. He couldn't fathom the idea of raising the kids by himself. He didn't know how he would look at little Blanche, who looked exactly like you, and not break down.

“How are you today?”

You smiled weakly. “I am doing amazing, my dear.”

“Is that so?” he inquired with a happy smirk. You nodded. “It is great to hear that.”

“How are you?”

“I am quite content.” Benedict assured you, though the bags under his eyes and the loss of fullness of his cheeks gave away his dishonesty.

But you pretended like you believed him. “How are the children?”

“Quite well. Benedict and Benjamin have started their fencing lessons yesterday,” he said. “Blair has proven herself to be good at reading, quite like you, Blanche has been misbehaving lately but showing her artsy skills. As for Béa, she is growing more each day that passes. She gets along very well with Mother, as you know, so it is alright. They miss you. I have been trying to keep their little minds occupied, but they do.”

You didn't notice when you started crying.

“I wish to see my children grow up. I want to grow old with you, Ben… I'm scared.”

This time, he didn't have the strength to tell you not to be. This time, he cried with you.

“Me as well,” He kissed your forehead and attempted to get up. “Perhaps I should-”

“Please, stay.”

“I do not want you to see me like this.”

You pursed your lips. “Who else if not me?”

Benedict cried more and you felt guilty for being the reason of your husband's was misery.

“I wish to never lose you,” he whispered. “Because… What am I supposed to do if there is no you?”

“I will always be with you.”

“I know.”

You smiled at him, trying to comfort him; but you couldn't.

Nothing you did would ease the pain, nothing other than getting well.

“You cannot lose hope.”

“It is quite easy for you to say, El,” Benedict sighed, looking at the moon. “It is not the love of your life lying on her deathbed. It is not you who will be left alone with five children to tend to. It has been months, and I have no clue what to do. I only want her to be well.”

“I know I am not losing the love of my life, but she is my sister,” Eloise replied. “I hope not to burden you with my pain, too. I cannot bear the thought of losing such a loving soul. She has always inspired me to see the world as she does. And life. Even now, on the verge of leaving, she has managed to show goodness.”

He let out an afflicted sigh. “What did she say to you, Sister?”

She took his hand in hers. “She said that she would leave in peace if she had to. That she trusts us to take care of you and the children. And that she is happy with the life she has lived. She said that she has lived a life full of love, and that is what makes life worth living: the love we give and receive. You have done right by her. You have given her the life and family she always wanted.”

“I do not want to make this about me,” he said. “But I cannot help but to do so. If she leaves us, Eloise, I am leaving right behind her, I- I don't believe myself to have the strength it takes to survive in her absence.”

“You must be strong. For her and your children.”

“I don't want to be strong, I want this to be over.”

“I know, but… didn't the doctor say she was improving?”

“I do not want to have faith for nothing.”

They stayed silent on the swings of Bridgerton House until Benedict thought it was time to go back home. The sun rising announced it.

Once Benedict set foot on his home, he saw you having breakfast with your children. A wide smile spread on his face at the sight.

“Mr. Bridgerton, how dare you return home until after sunrise?” you questioned him amusedly, pointing to the empty seat on the end of the table. He was about to sit where you told him, but the children stood up from their places and ran to him before he could. You laughed. “But it is alright, for I got to surprise you.”

Benedict smiled and walked to you with your second youngest, Blanche, in his arms. “You are out of bed.”

“I am out of bed,” you confirmed with excitement, holding his face with your hand and driving him close enough for to you to peck his lips. “I love you.”

“Daddy!” Blair exclaimed. “Mama read us to sleep last night!”

“Did she?”

“Yes, Father! And Mama saw Benedict and I during our fencing lesson.” Benjamin, your second born, added.

“Mama is getting better, Father.” Benedict, the child, mentioned with a sweet grin, just like his father's.

“She is,” Benedict, the father, confirmed. “And everything will be alright.”

all things benedict bridgerton taglist: @imgondeletedis

[todorokibois]

Oxymoron - Soft Yandere!Sukuna X Reader

Soft Yandere AU

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Horror

Pairing: Ryomen Sukuna X Reader

Words: 2,070

Warnings: Violence, Possessive Thoughts, Trauma and Mention of Past Abuse, Not Edited

A/n: Just an idea I had the other night cause I'm obsessed with the 'I hate everybody but you' trope. Sukuna is definitely not in character, I'm just soft for making him soft. I think it's been like a year since I've updated on this blog, so hopefully this isn't too bad. I hope you like it, feedback is greatly appreciated!

Summary: We all have that one person we'd do anything for...

Or... the one in which Sukuna saves you.

Note: The characters are all aged up for this fic, so now they will be in university.

You really don’t know when his fascination with you started.

Perhaps it was because you and Yuuji were best friends, using you as a way to taunt the boy within that mind of his. Vivid images of what Sukuna would do to you if given the chance haunt Yuuji every time he closes his eyes, so much so that he looses sleep over it.

Oddly enough, Sukuna has never acted on those little fantasies of his. Yet.

Perhaps, though, it’s because you remind him of someone. Someone powerful that he once knew in a past life. Yes, even more powerful than the almighty Gojo Satoru, but for some reason unbeknownst to Sukuna, you kept that power hidden away. Either that, or you had no idea what you were capable of.

What were your limits? Did you even have any? Did you know?

Sukuna wanted to find out. No, he needed to.

Which is why, after residing inside of Yuuji for months simply observing you and seeing how far he could push the boy, he finally spoke to you for the first time.

“Oi, brat,” a mouth had formed on the side of Yuuji’s cheek, interrupting your once peaceful conversation.

Both Sukuna and Yuuji noticed how you flinched slightly at that nickname, worry etched onto Yuuji’s features while nothing but curiosity furrowed Sukuna’s brows.

“Don’t call me that,” you spat back, glaring into the red eye now slightly opened beneath Yuuji’s own.

Never before have you used that tone with the king of curses before. Well, you’ve never really spoken directly to him before now, but he enjoyed it. In that twisted mind of his, he wanted you to do it again.

“But it’s so fitting for a br-“

His words got cut off by Yuuji slapping a hand rather harshly over his cheek.

“Sorry, sometimes he slips out,” he grins sheepishly, giving you a look of concern soon after he lowers his hand. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” your answer is short despite the reassuring smile you shoot his way.

Yuuji leaves it at that. Sukuna remains silent.

The next time Sukuna attempts to speak with you is when Yuuji is passed out, his head resting on your lap as you run your fingers through his hair. In fact, if the curse didn’t know any better, with the way the two of you act towards one another, he’d swear you’re in a relationship of sorts.

He doesn’t understand why, but it bothers him to no end.

“Hey, you,” again, a mouth forms on the side of Yuuji’s cheek.

You sigh, “I have a name, you know.”

A brief pause. “What is it.”

“Like I’d tell you,” you huff, halting your movements momentarily, only for Yuuji to grunt in his sleep, brow only smoothing out once more as you continue to run your fingers through his hair. “Are you asking for the sake of asking, or do you actually want to know?”

Of course, Sukuna already knows your name. He’s tormented Yuuji enough with the thought of him ripping out your insides more times than he can count. Although, the more he attempts torment the boy with these thoughts, the less Sukuna actually enjoys them. It’s been brief, but the odd time while the boy is asleep, Sukuna can access certain memories. For some reason, he always searches for the ones with you in them, and not all of them are happy.

There’s a tightness that grows in his chest while he watches Yuuji comfort you in one of them. The feeling, completely foreign to him, makes him recoil in disgust.

Why does he wish to be the one comforting you instead? Why does he want to be the only one you come to for help?

He huffs out his annoyance, “I want to know.”

He’d rather you tell him yourself. There’s something more… intimate about it that way. Something that makes his skin tingle in excitement.

“Wow, the great and feared Sukuna wants to know my name,” you mock, staring down at him from your nose. An angle he’s not sure if he enjoys looking up at, but with the way you say his name sending a shiver shooting down his spine, he may just make an exception. Again, you pause. “It’s (Y/n).”

The last thing you register from Sukuna is a grunt of acknowledgement before Yuuji is waking up from his nap.

The next time Sukuna makes an appearance surprises you the most. You had been training with Megumi, Yuuji, and some of the upper years while Gojo watched from the sidelines, giving you all pointers here and there. Needless to say, you and Maki were kicking the guys’ asses.

Until they finally started working as a team to separate the two of you.

It was Yuuji and Panda against you, and Megumi and Toge against Maki, until Toge managed to catch Maki with his cursed technique. Frozen in place, Maki could do nothing but watch as the four of them teamed up against you.

Panda ended up misjudging his strength while being backed up by Megumi, sending you flying into the stone steps of the outdoor training area on impact.

Gojo was in front of you in a second, assessing you for injuries as the others crowded around you, only for a voice to draw everyone’s attention to the bottom of the steps in an instant.

“Get away from them,”

For a brief moment, Yuuji lost control over Sukuna.

Immediately, everyone’s guard was up, even as the tattoos slowly but surely began to fade away from Yuuji’s skin. Now, Gojo was in front of him in an instant, leaning intently into Yuuji’s personal space to assess the boy as Panda helped you up and Maki led you to the infirmary.

“Don’t touch them,” despite not being able to take control again, a new mouth formed on the side of Yuuji’s cheek.

Your last glance, spared over your shoulder at your best friend was all Sukuna saw until you were finally out of his reach.

“My, my, what do we have here?” Gojo hums, amusement clear in his voice.

“Sorry, teach, he got the jump on me that time,” Yuuji rubs his cheek, sore from the hit he just gave himself to shut Sukuna up again.

“Did he now?” Gojo raises an eyebrow. “Curious.”

Sukuna remains quiet for the rest of the day, and smartly so. He doesn’t know why seeing you get hurt made him so… angry. The need to protect you and make sure you were okay was the first thought on his mind.

He scoffs. An immortal being like him caring and worrying over a measly, fragile, little human? Unthinkable. Yet, the more he thinks about it, the less he wants to see you hurt again.

He can protect you. He can keep you safe.

A week passes before Sukuna can see you again, the time passing agonizingly slow. In this dull world, you’re the only thing that has managed to captivate him. He doesn’t know why, but you make him feel alive.

The mission is simple: eradicate a few lower level curses from the abandoned factory, then home before dinner. You should be in and out in no time at all, considering you’re with Megumi, Yuuji, and Nobara.

If only you hadn’t decided to split up to cover more ground. If only the factory didn’t have an incomplete domain held within it. If only there wasn’t a special grade lurking in the dark.

Sukuna hadn’t been worried. You’ve proven that you’re more than capable of handling yourself with a few measly little lower grade curses. This should be a walk in the park for you.

That is, until he heard your scream of fear.

It’s like the whole building pulsed as Sukuna took over Yuuji’s body, most of the lower grade curses now fleeing at the shift in curse energy. Even the special grade froze in its spot momentarily, before going back to tormenting you with old memories. Memories which you had suppressed for the better part of your life, if only shortly.

The worst part? The way it could imitate your parent’s voices as they screamed at you, berating you into nothing as you cower into the corner.

No wonder you had flinched when he had called you brat.

Unprecedented rage boils within Sukuna as he discovers you clutching onto your thigh desperately, blood spilling over your hands as you cower in the corner away from the laughing curse. It’s taunting you, easily playing with you before it kills you as it cuts more slashes into your skin.

“What’s this?” His voice hardly remains steady as he appears behind the curse in the blink of an eye. At least the curse is smart enough to go silent, body going ridged at the waves of rage rolling off of Sukuna behind it. “By all means, don’t let me interrupt.”

With the flick of his wrist, the curse is shredded into nothing.

“Never touch what isn’t yours, fool,” he seethes, purposely stepping through the remains of the curse, even as it dissipates beneath him.

He manages to get two feet away from you before you’re shrinking back, cowering even more beneath his gaze. You look at him with nothing but fear in your eyes, your hands desperately covering your ears as if to block out even more brutal insults thrown your way despite the room now echoing in silence.

Sukuna has always loved the way people cower before him, the way they look at him with terror in their eyes as they breathe their last breath before he smites them where they stand. Normally, his chest would fill with pride at the fear pouring off of you, how you shrink away from his touch, desperate to get away. He would never think twice about hurting someone.

But you? Never you.

That familiar tightness swells in his chest the more you look at him with those glossy eyes, form physically shaking as you attempt to hold onto life for just a little while longer.

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you,” never before has he uttered those words before and actually meant them. “You’re safe now. I’m here.”

Scooping you into his arms, he’s quick to move up onto the roof of the factory, seeing as the incomplete domain had disappeared thanks to him destroying the special grade. Surprisingly, he’s very careful with you, being mindful of your injuries so as not to aggravate them any further.

In the back of his mind, he begins to wonder why the boy hasn’t attempted to take his body back anymore after he got rid of that special grade.

Finally, as Sukuna uses his reverse curse technique to heal your wounds, he feels you body start to calm down. Your shaking has nearly stopped and no more tears escape your eyes, though you refuse to meet his gaze.

“Why did you help me?”

Sukuna remains quiet, cupping your face in his hands as his thumbs move to stroke your cheeks. Even he doesn’t know the answer to that one.

As soon as you hear your name being called by Nobara, his tattoos begin to fade from Yuuji’s skin. In his final seconds remaining in control, Sukuna feels you place a hand over one of his own, and he swears a shiver runs down his spine. The next words out of your mouth are like music to his ears, and he swears he’ll make you say them again, in any and every way he can.

“Thank you, Sukuna,” you breathe.

Within seconds, Yuuji is back, blinking at you with wide eyes and retracting his hands from your face somewhat confusedly.

“What’d I miss?” He asks, tilting his head slightly as both Megumi and Nobara finally reach you both on the roof.

“I think Sukuna just saved my life,” you say, voice barely above a whisper.

The three of them blink at you in disbelief while unbeknownst to them, Sukuna sits on his throne watching the entire scene unfold with a smug grin on his face. You’ll be his soon, he’ll make sure of it.

“Sukuna? Doing something good?” Nobara voices, appalled. “Now there’s an oxymoron. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Just fine,” you shoot her a reassuring smile, turning to face Yuuji once more.

And Sukuna knows, just knows, that that smile is meant for him.

[bnnywngs]

silly kenhina based on some tweet

based on this tweet in pt/br and originally written in pt/br as a threadfic

-

Lev was not a suspicious person by nature, he trusted the people around him too much, always expecting the best of them and never being prepared to see someone he considered a close friend to do something bad or even say something about himself in a not very nice way. It always made him sad, but it never made him lose confidence in humanity or anything like that.

Lev is a positive person.

But why are we talking about him being a suspicious person in the first place if he really isn't? This is because of the volleyball practice that Lev participates as an active member of the club and one of the main players of the school team. It all started when his favorite senpai, Kenma, started spending more time talking to someone via messages than playing on his phone, it was strange to see that happen since everyone knew that the little setter hated being sociable, hated interacting with humans beyond what was necessary.

So it made him suspicious. Was Kenma dating someone? But who? He had never shown an interest in another human being before, not that he at least noticed. The only people he talked to constantly were... Kuroo, for sure. But would there be someone else? Lev was not sure if Kenma and Hinata talked on the internet, since the redhead was obsessed with the sport and was always training somewhere, either alone or with a partner.

No one seemed to know why, or if they did, they didn’t say. And Lev was curious and determined to find out who the other person was.

One afternoon, during one of the daily practices at the Nekoma volleyball club, Lev decided it would be the right time to act and ask Kenma if he was dating someone and who he would be. He hoped it wasn't someone from a rival team, for some reason.

But what if...

“Kenma! Are you by any chance dating Kuroo?” and with that impulsive sentence coming out of his mouth Lev's whole well-crafted plan went down the drain, but that didn't stop him. He maintained a firm and confident pose, his eyes shining with curiosity and determination that even scared the setter a little.

“...No?”

Hm?

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I do, are you an idiot by chance?” Kenma's expression was of pure irritation, it was almost comical.

Lev then had the brilliant idea of ​​taking Kenma's phone in his hands.

“So if I tell your cell phone to call your girlfriend, won't it call Kuroo?” his eyes shone.

Kenma just sighed, already tired of that conversation “Do what you want.” rolled his eyes.

Lev nodded without reason, opening the microphone of the phone already unlocked and asking the artificial intelligence to call “love”, which was quickly done, leaving the setter smiling with confidence, as if he had just won from a powerful boss.

This confused him, but soon the dialing stopped when the person on the other end of the line answered.

It was now.

“Kenma? You never call me at this hour, did anything happen?”

Lev recognized that voice.

“Hinata?! Are you dating Hinata?! Kenma!”

The setter just showed his tongue before taking the phone back and starting to speak softly into the microphone for only Hinata, his boyfriend, to listen, leaving a confused and shocked Lev behind.

“What?!” then he looked up and “Ah, it makes sense.”

[thegreenfairy13]

A Tale of Two Fathers (2/2)

A Gobblepot fanfic. You can read the first part here on Ao3.

Oswald opens the door himself. The simple gesture is as much an honor as a threat, and Jim is entirely not ready for what the criminal has in store for him.

By the time they are both seated at the Penguin’s ridiculously large dining table, facing each other from across the room as if they were both still in a standoff when Jim has already lost the battle, the cop is about to pass out from exhaustion.

Curling his lips in frustration, he elicits a little snarl. In return, the Penguin flashes a smile back at him that seems to sum up his entire being. The mayor of Gotham has remained a childlike innocence to his face, a boyish charm that makes the predatory glint in his eyes all the more unsettling. His perfect manners are nothing but a thin veil. If looking only a bit more closely, you’re facing an abyss about to swallow you whole.

Jim always knew Oswald was unhinged - right from their first encounter behind Fish’s club. He’s the kind of man who isn’t merely interested in his opponents, no, he’s obsessed with them. And Jim always knew that a fair amount of that unhealthy obsession had always been directed at him. When he had still been an umbrella boy, nothing but a faceless number in Gotham’s book of the reckless, he had unashamedly stalked him, weaseled his way into his life, and had managed to become a big part of it. It’s the reason Jim had been repulsed when they first crossed paths, and scared.

And now?

Now, he’s no longer scared. Not for himself at least. He’s still terrified though: for his girl, his colleagues, for the citizens of this city. He’s terrified of what the Penguin is capable of, and what he’ll be capable of in the future - and he’s fascinated.

He can’t deny that over the years, Oswald has become more than an occasional ally. Jim would never admit it out loud, but in times of need, it’s the Penguin he turns to first - not the Batman, not Bruce Wayne. And despite everything, he loathes the other man for the cruelty he’s capable of, can’t stop criticizing him any given moment of the day. Sometimes he wonders how he’s still alive. What makes him so special the crowned king of the underbelly doesn’t snuff out his lights?

“You’re very quiet this evening, Commissioner,” the Penguin states. Taking another sip of his excellent wine, he tzk’s condescendingly at his guest. “Even for your standards,” he adds with a fake chuckle.

Jim makes a show of rolling his eyes. He’s ready to drop his head into the scalding hot soup in front of him and take a nap right there.

“It’s funny you noticed,” he replies airily. “I’ve recently come to the conclusion you enjoy talking much more than listening.”

The mobster hisses through his teeth in response. “You haven’t tasted your food,” he notes. “Not to your liking?” he asks sincerely.

Jim stares at his untouched plate and shrugs. The food smells delicious, but after the weeks he had, all he feels is a constant urge to throw up. He’s practically running on scotch and cigars, isn’t even sure when he last ate something that didn’t come from a vending machine.

He tries the soup though and just as expected, his stomach revolts and craves more at the same time.

Briefly, Jim wonders if his invitation might have no ulterior motive. Like him, the gangster must be awfully lonely. He and Edward, or the Riddler, as he loves to call himself, had worked together for an entire decade. Yet at one point, the psychopath had become unpredictable, dangerous even for the ones closest to him. Absorbed in his need to prove his intelligence and superiority, he had forced his dangerous games upon Oswald, too. Infuriated when his lover had finally failed to solve his riddles, riddles that grew erratic and irrational over the years, Oswald had had no other choice but to team up with the cop once more to catch his former husband. At least he’s being excellently cared for - the Penguin’s money and influence made sure Nygma would never see Arkham from the inside again.

“I’d love to talk about the literal elephant in the room,” Oswald announces, effectively startling the cop. Usually, he loves playing with his prey more.

Jim is almost grateful, though. He prefers getting shot at over being slowly sliced into little pieces - and he should know, he experienced both on more than one occasion.

“And here I already thought you enjoy the privilege of my company,” the cop retorts.

“Oh, I do,” Oswald reassures, arching an eyebrow at his counterpart. “But we both know I’m only being granted this privilege whenever our beautiful city is at the brink of destruction.”

“Which is currently not the case.”

“Exactly.” The gangster nods, pleased. “But someone very important to both of us has chosen a quite dangerous path,” he adds, looking Jim directly in the eye. “And I suppose we both have an interest in…”

“Keeping things secret,” Jim finishes. “I take it there’s a price to your discretion?” he asks, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice.

Oswald’s face lights up. “Indeed,” he agrees. “I have to say, I’m truly enjoying our conversation tonight.”

“Seems like you’ve finally found my pressure-point,” Jim grumbles sarcastically.

“Well, James,” the mobster states thoughtfully, “if you know what a man loves, you know how to destroy him.”

“Wonderful,” Jim huffs. “So what’s your price? Shall I resign? Do you want me to confess breaking into your mansion? Both? Do you want me to follow you into your private torture-chamber?”

“My price?” Oswald repeats the word slowly, savors it. He’s a cat playing with a mouse. There’s an unearthly quality to the murderer when he slowly rises from his seat, only illuminated by a few candles decorating their table. He limps over, painfully slowly, yet still way too fast, and with each step, he vanishes in the darkness, only to resurface again. And then this marble, ageless face is then in front of Jim, and those sharp, intelligent eyes judge him.

Oswald’s breath feels cold on his face, and way too fresh. Sharp teeth, like a shark’s, swim into his vision when he speaks, and it takes Jim a moment to catch on.

“I want to have dinner with you.”

Jim blinks. He must have misheard. Oswald tilts his head, a sad look crossing his features before he takes the place next to him.

“I want to have dinner with you,” he repeats. “And I’d like you to enjoy it.”

“What?” Jim blurts out.

Sighing, the thin man rubs his injured leg before folding his fingers beneath his chin.

“Everyone we have known,” he commences, “everyone we have loved is either dead or insane. This city has all swallowed us whole.”

Toying with one of the rings on his fingers, he stares at Jim. “Harvey is long gone, Lee is...well, you know better than anyone else what happened when she injected herself with the Tetch virus again.”

Jim nods slowly in response.

“My Edward doesn’t remember his name, Martin…” Oswald’s voice breaks off. “I don’t forget my debts, ever,” he whispers, looking down at the table, visibly ashamed. “My tongue will remain tied for as long as you don’t use him against me.”

Rubbing his face wearily, Jim barely conceals his incredulousness. “How should I?” he blurts out.

“You know how,” he shoots back sharply. “We both know my boy is…”

“An arsonist,” Jim finishes. “And his daddy is a billionaire and one of the most influential men in this country. Whatever he burns down, you’d buy it and cover it up,” the cop states.

“And if that was a publicly-known fact, I wouldn’t be mayor.”

“I highly doubt that,” the blonde growls. Dropping his face into his hands, Jim starts rubbing his temples. The warmth of the room, Oswald’s intoxicating cologne, his mere proximity, are getting to him. He had been sure this would end in a lengthy negotiation, a power-play, his resignment. He’s almost disappointed. Tomorrow, he’ll still have to carry on, he’ll still have to fight. God, he’s tired.

“I would never expose Martin to the press, and you know that,” Oswald argues.

Jim doesn’t reply. Yes, he might have thought about that possibility before, and discarded it just as quickly. Martin might be a bit insane but he never hurt anyone with his strange ‘hobby’. All he does is burning down abandoned buildings, he even makes sure they are neither inhabited by animals nor humans before setting them on fire. His addiction led to Oswald owning a lot of worthless lands though.

“Barbara,” the raven-haired man presses.

“Don’t,” Jim interrupts, voice hoarse. He’s surprised how he feels a lump in his throat merely at the mention of her name.

“Barbara has become like the rest of us,” Oswald finishes, unfazed.

The cop’s head snaps up. It’s the rage that leads to him being wide-awake once more. “She’s nothing like you or me,” he spits. “She’s…”

“Better? Mor pure? Innocent?” Oswald offers with a light shrug. “She crossed a line the other night,” he points out. “She made the decision to break the law and shoot at my men,” he concedes.

“No,” Jim yelps, horrified.

“I’d never allow for her to get harmed,” he reassures. Taking a deep breath, the mobster leans forward and before Jim has a chance to move, he feels the murderer slightly squeezing his arm. “I remember her playing on this very carpet,” he elaborates, pointing his cane at the floor. “I remember her playing with my dog while I would argue with her mother. You think I didn’t recognize her the moment she crashed through my window?” Oswald snorts. “Do you think I don’t know who’s fault all that is? Br…”

“Bratman,” Jim interrupts him quickly, eyes widening in sudden horror. The criminal laughs out loud.

“That’s an appropriate title,” he snorts. “The little brat boy billionaire. If Martin ever finds a more suitable way to express his hatred towards me, he can join Gotham’s little trust fund-kids club. He’ll fit right in with Bruce and Barbara,” Oswald acknowledges bitterly.

“Oh, don’t give me that look, Jim,” he grumbles when glancing over at the detective. “I’ve known that kid for decades. You don’t truly think I wouldn’t recognize him just because he pretends Halloween is every day of the year all of a sudden.”

“Barbara is no criminal, though,” Jim protests, folding his arms across his chest, which causes the Penguin to chuckle.

“Keep telling that yourself,” he almost sing-songs, clearly bemused.

“She’s a good kid,” Jim states stubbornly.

“And an unhinged teenager,” Oswald chides. “I have to admit, I thought you’d teach her better.”

For one insane second, Jim simply wants to strangle Oswald, wants to lunge across the table and throttle him until the life fades from his body. Instead, he breaks down.

“Barbara hates me,” he admits, at last, more to himself than to the Penguin.

Looking up, Jim finds the mobster practically boring his eyes into him. “Quite right,” he agrees. “As she hates her mother, her godfather, her granddad Harvey...She’s a teenager, Jim.”

“It’s more than that!” Jim protests and Oswald laughs.

“She’ll come around. You’re all she has.”

Tha cop snorts self-deprecatingly.

The gangster’s head snaps out. His face is open, vulnerable when addressing Jim once more. “She has no idea how much that’s worth. Calling you your guardian,” he admits, toying forlornly with his empty glass. “A child so much like you, so headstrong, so naive” he muses. “You’ve been honest with her,” he continues as he proceeds to twirl the glass between those elegant fingers. “I wonder how she’ll react should she discover the truth about her new hero.”

Before Oswald has a chance to elaborate, Jim lunges across the table and catches that spider-like hand in a bone-crushing grasp. The Penguin yelps softly, yet doesn’t move.

“Not. A. Single. Word. Else…” Jim leaves the threat hanging, causing the other man to curl his lips in bemusement.

“Else what?” he challenges. “What do you think would happen if your precious baby-girl finds out Gotham’s heroes are all nothing but hypocrites? They are all the same, those men working with the same gangster for the greater good, hmm? The earlier she grows up, the earlier she’ll be able to make up with her dad. And trust me,” he bristles, “she’ll be glad she’s given the chance before her daddy catches a bullet.”

Snarling angrily, Jim slightly pushes the Penguin away. “That a threat?” he asks.

“No, a statement,” Oswald retorts, calmly straightening out his jacket and Jim has had enough. Dropping his spoon, he rises to his feet and turns to leave.

“Sit down,” the Penguin hollers at that, dropping the false politeness immediately. “As you haven’t paid the price, I’m raising my demands.”

Spinning around on his heel, Jim drops his upper body against the table, causing the soup to spill over. “How dare you going up against your own..”

The Penguin halts his tirade with a motion of his hand. “It’s her father I’m stopping from destroying himself completely. You’re but a single man and you can’t continue sneaking out night after night to protect her. The Batman won’t be able to watch her at all times either. What I’m able to offer, though, is true protection. I’ll let it be known that anyone who lays their hands on Batgirl will have to answer me. And in return, you’ll be a good boy.”

Grinning victoriously, he indicates for Jim to sit back down. The other man freezes for a split second. Gritting his teeth, he finally obeys.

“Is that more what you expected from me?” Oswalds asks haughtily. And there is it again, this obsession, this lust for control that repulses and attracts Jim all the same.

Leaning over, the mobster reaches for the cop’s tie, slides a single digit lovingly across the uninspired pattern. “Twenty-one years,” he murmurs, slowly pulling Jim closer. “Twenty-one years and I’ve finally offered you a deal even you can’t reject.”

Swallowing heavily, Jim feels his throat run dry.

“I could control every move you make,” he contemplates. “Every word you say in public, ever.” When he looks up though, he looks nothing but victorious. “I could save this city a hundred more times and everyone you love and you still wouldn’t see anything but a monster, James.”

Not giving him a chance to reply, Oswald rolls the tie around his fist, yanking Jim closer. Dry lips crash against his own and despite himself, Jim closes his eyes, gets lost in the feeling of a wet tongue sliding into his mouth.

He moans into the other mouth, opens up willingly as he gives in all to easily. Tilting his head, Jim pulls Oswald closer until he’s all but sitting on his lap, one hand tangled in that silky hair.

Jim leans back against the chair. Embracing the gangster now fully, he feels the heat emanating the other body, hears each and every little sound the fragile, deadly creature makes as it squirms in his grasp. He remembers all the moments the other man almost died, remembers the moments he stood between the gangster and a loaded gun, willing to die for the other man.

Reluctantly, Jim pulls one hand from Oswald’s hip just so he can feel his beating heart beneath his fingers.

It’s the first time they kiss, and it feels as if they had been doing this for decades.

He doesn’t know who pulls back first, but he knows they both need a breath of air - for they are both so very much alive .

It’s Oswald, always Oswald, who takes the lead - even and especially now when Jim isn’t even sure what he’s doing. He only knows he’s being pulled down dark hallways, pushed against walls every other step just to feel a pair of lips against his own.

He vaguely notes deft fingers tugging at his tie, loosening the knot before pulling it from his form completely. His shirt follows next, almost causing him to trip when it hits the floor the very moment Oswald lures him into another room. His legs hit something soft and he’s barely aware of the fact that they reached the mobster’s bedroom.

Oswald’s weight presses him into the mattress as a delicate hand palms him through his pants and with his last coherent thought, he manages to catch said hand.

“I can’t,” he whispers so softly he isn’t sure he said it out loud. Jim’s head drops against the pillow and it takes him every last ounce of strength not to immediately fall asleep.

Above him, he registers a shocked noise. The hand pulls back, and with it, the consoling warmth of another body. Reaching forward, Jim stops Oswald from fleeing the bedroom.

“Please stay,” he begs and it sounds more like a sob. Please, please stay , he chants over and over in his own head while clinging to the other man. He can’t give Oswald what he wants, not right now, not in this state.

Opening his eyes slowly, Jim finds a confused Penguin staring back at him. His skilled, rosy tongue is caught between his teeth as he examines him with furrowed brows. Jim can’t resist, he pulls him down against his own chest, inhaling the fresh scent of cedar deeply.

This, right here, is the best feeling he’ll ever get. It’s always Oswald who gets to see him at his lowest, in his most vulnerable state without pushing him away but embracing him. Only now, he realizes something very obvious: Oswald loves him. Unconditionally.

“Please don’t leave me,” he repeats, hoping he’ll understand again - and forgive him.

The body above him relaxes ever so slightly as it eases down next to him. Jim closes his eyes again, curls up against the warmth.

“Barbara doesn’t have to know,” Oswald cautiously offers, at last, clearly thinking that’s what is holding back Jim.

Unable to collect his thoughts, he squeezes his old friend reassuringly. “I’ll tell her first thing tomorrow morning her dad and her godfather hooked up,” he murmurs, throwing an arm over his eyes. It’s such a novelty, Jim thinks, to feel finally safe, at home.

“What?” Oswald shifts in his arms, trying to get a better look at him and Jim removes his limb from his face.

“That is, if you want.” It’s his turn to look up at the gangster uncertainly.

Oswald’s face falls at the confession and Jim freezes. Fuck, he obviously got that wrong. Before he can scramble from the bed though, his expression turns into something else. As the words slowly sink in, he seems to be illuminated from the inside. What Jim witnesses can only be described as awe. Oswald stares at him like a kid seeing a Christmas-tree for the very first time and then, his features shift again. Something dark sneaks inside, something utterly possessive, and terrifying.

“You can’t possibly mean that,” he utters.

“I do,” Jim affirms simply, watching in fascination as the expression deepens. Looking at Oswald almost feels like driving through a tunnel, the lights going out one by one. He’s certain should anything ever happen to him or Barbara, he’ll set the city on fire. Oswald would have to promise him to restrain himself, Jim muses.

The Penguin searches his face once more, looks for any trace of insincerity. When he finds none, he settles down next to him.

“Is that wise?” he wonders and Jim knows he already made up his mind when he nestles his head against his chest.

“I won’t live with a lie as huge as this one,” Jim states firmly. In turn, the mobster hugs him tightly. “Oswald,” he says, and the name feels strange on his tongue, intimate. In this context, it breaks down all the remaining walls. “I won’t change though,” he says when he still can’t tell him what he wants to. It’s true nonetheless. Jim will not ever try stopping the Penguin from crossing the line. On some days, he’ll succeed, on others, he won’t.

The mobster laughs softly. “I wouldn’t expect anything less of you,” he states and Jim is relieved. They’ll be forever who they are. But now, they’ll be it together.

He drifts off to sleep with the scent of cedar and filling his nostrils and wakes to it almost sixteen hours later.

[imaginesmai]

Roger Taylor-Freddie’s Best Friend

I saw some time ago Bohemian Rhapsody; and if I was in love with Queen before, seeing Ben Hardy as Roger Taylor has make my obsession even bigger. I’m not going to spoil anything, but I might do a second part a little bit happier between Freddie and reader, because honestly, he deserves a little more love. I hope you like it!

Plot: being Freddie’s best friend means supporting him on everything, and being in love with Roger Taylor means suffering in silence, doesn’t it? Maybe a little trip to the fields can change that, but not in the best way.

Warnings: Freddie being a bad bitch and spoilers (little one) from BR. 

Being best friends with Freddie had always been hard. He had a sharp tongue and didn’t hesitate when telling the truth, even if it hurt you. His relationship with his parents was bad, and when you went to his house, it was awkward and embarrassing. Sometimes he didn’t think before speaking, and that led to a few fights where you had to get him out. There was this time in high school when he made you break up with your boyfriend because, as Freddie said, he wasn’t fashionable enough for you. You’ve done a lot of crazy things for him, but in the end, he has always been there for you. When your prom date ditched you, he took you to it. If you had a fight with your brother, he let you stay in his house as long as you wanted. And everytime you cried, he was there to wipe your tears and draw a smile on your face.

When he started in the band, you supported him when no one did; and you thought then that God was repaying you for all the times you had helped Freddie. With Roger Taylor. Roger Taylor was handsome, funny, cocky and charming. And you fell for him the first time you laid your eyes in the childish drums boy. He was the type of guy your mother always warned you about; with a flirty smile, mischievous eyes and a body that made girls drool. Roger could have any girl in his bed, but when morning arrived, he was already looking for another. That’s why you decided to keep thing as a professional friendship; you were his manager and he was your drummer boy.

-          It’s horrendous. -you said, looking at what Freddie was wearing. -Really, I’ve seen you wear ugly things. But now you look like a drunk peacock.

-          A beautiful peacock, darling. -he smiled, looking at the mirror.

-          Freddie, it’s an important meeting! -you argued from the couch. -We have to give a good first impression if you want to produce an album.

-          Y/N, they have to know who is Queen. -he sighed, putting on his sunglasses. -Besides, you should probably be the one dressing a little bit more… appropriately.

-          What is that supposed to mean? -you frowned. -I’m fine.

-          If by fine you mean vulgar. -he turned around, looking at you with disapproving eyes. -You’ll never catch anyone eye if you keep dressing like if you have raided a charity store.

-          I bought this a week ago! And I don’t want to catch no one eye.

-          Not even the “oh, so handsome and pretty and amazing Roger”? -he imitated your voice.

Your cheeks went red at his words, and you looked down at your clothes for the first time. It was true that, when you talked about Roger to Freddie, you sounded like a teenager in love. But that’s what you felt when he looked at you with his baby blue eyes.

-          Come on, Y/N. -Freddie sat besides you. -Roger’s hard to get, we all know, but you haven’t even tried.

-          He’ll probably get me to bed, Freddie. And then, forget about me. I don’t want that.

-          Don’t let your happiness depend on someone else. -he smiled at you, kissed the top of your head and got up, dragging you with him.

The meeting with the agent went well. Freddie impressed him with his sassy and confident attitude, and before you knew it, he was offering you a tour across Japan, if everything went perfect of course. After John Mayer, your new agent, left, you decided to celebrate it together. There was a big party in the bar where the guys played together for the first time, but before you could walk in a hand grabbed your arm. Turning around, you found Roger looking at you with a bright smile.

-          Freddie was good today. -he said, placing a cigarette in his mouth. -He for sure knows how to talk to people.

-          He does. -you smiled, and softly took away the lethal arm from his lips. -If you want to keep your voice, you might have to quit this.

-          Caring about my health, dove? -he laughed, taking it back. -Don’t worry, I can handle myself fine.

-          If you say so. -you heart jumped at the wink he gave you.

-          You did good too. -he said. -Everyone is talking about Freddie, even himself. He loves to talk about how good he did.

-          Freddie can be a little extravagant, yeah. -you let out a soft laugh, and missed how Roger’s eyes shinned with pride at making you laugh.

-          Y/N, you need to give yourself a little credit, hm. If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t even be a band.

Roger was right, and in a way, it pained you to think about that. All your life you had been focused on Freddie, on his well-being and happiness. But it was true that when it came to the band, he usually took credit for everything you did. And most of the times Roger was the only one telling you that.

-          Thanks, Roger. -you got lost in his eyes until he talked again.

-          Really, dove. If Freddie was good, you were fantastic. Thanks for everything you do for us.

There were a few seconds where everything was silent around you, where you couldn’t tear your eyes apart from his. It seemed that you were closer each time, and you knew that if you looked at his lips you would lose yourself. Before you could find out, a high-pitched voice called him and a blonde girl took his attention away from you. With a sigh, you entered the pub; not noticing how he followed you with his eyes instead of listening to the girl.

Apart from that, the night was perfect. Freddie got lost with Mary after dancing like a mad man for a good hour, and Brian and John stayed with you until you went home. Brian, who was a gentleman, waited for you to close your door and give him thumbs up before leaving with John back to the party. You enjoyed yourself, you really did. Not only you had Freddie as a friend, also three wonderful guys who were like a family to you. But that night, buried under your blankets, you couldn’t help the few tears that escaped your eyes when you though about the blond drummer boy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Reid’s assistant was an ass. He was rude, selfish, disrespectful and wanted nothing more than to take your place. At first, it had been only him planning a few meetings for the boys. Then, he forgot to tell you some times where the meetings were. And if it wasn’t for Roger and Brian nearly cutting his head off, you wouldn’t have come to the house in the field. Queen needed to create some new music, and the only way of doing it was by leaving all the stress behind. So the boys decided to spend a week in a lost house.

You were talking to Freddie for the first time in a while, since he was always busy doing only God knows what with that annoying man; but your little moment with your friend was interrupted as Paul took his bags away and helped your friend to carry them. That left you with your two bags and a, once again, abandoned look in your face. Scoffing softly, you were going to take the second one when a soft hand stopped you and took it.

-          Don’t worry, I can carry it. -a smiling Brian told you. -I only have one, and I’m sharing it with John.

-          Half of my bags are filled with Freddie’s clothes. -you said.

-          I don’t know why you let him treat you that way, Y/N. -he looked down at you while you walked. -He’s an asshole.

-          That Paul guy is making him lose himself, Brian. I’m his best friend, I can’t let that happen.

-          You’re too good, dove. -Roger’s voice said behind you, putting an arm around your shoulders an dragging you close to him.

The blush on your face didn’t go unnoticed by Brian, who chuckled loudly and kept talking. You entered to the house between both boys, your smile present again since it felt good having friends to joke with. And, maybe because Roger too. You were enjoying too much the feeling of his body next to you. Paul was talking with Freddie and John on the top of the stairs, and there seemed to be a problem.

-          You said there would be six, Paul. -John said, frowning.

-          I know, I know! -he put his arms up. -That’s what John told me, he must have understood it wrong.

-          What’s the matter? -you asked, feeling Freddie’s eyes on you.

-          There are only five rooms, Y/N. -Paul said, mock in his eyes. -I’m sorry, but you will need to come back.

-          What the fuck are you saying? -you expect it to be Freddie’s voice, but it was Brian. -She’s not going anywhere, Paul. She’s our manager!

-          Look, you all need to stay here. And I’m the one in charge of you, guys. -Paul sighed.

-          No, you’re not. Y/N’s our manager, Paul. -John replied. -If someone needs to go, it’s you.

-          Freddie agrees with me. -Paul said, and everyone looked at him in silence.

-          I just-Look, Paul can help us a lot with the songs. -he looked at you for a while. -I’m sorry darling, but it has to be this way.

Everyone kept looking at him while you felt your eyes fill with tears. Freddie, the one who had been your best friend forever, was choosing some asshole instead of you. Your breath got caught on your throat, and you decided to leave without causing any problem. Before you could do that, Roger’s arm came back to your shoulder and pulled you against his chest.

-          She’s staying, Freddie. -he said, without a doubt. -I don’t care if this place is small, she will stay with me, even if I have to sleep on the couch.

-          Come on, she will be a distraction! -Paul argued.

-          Shut up, Paul. You make me want to stick my head in the toilet. -John said, and everyone laughed but Paul and Freddie, who gave his friend a disapproving look.

Since that moment, the boys tried to make you as happy as possible, and you started to forget what your best friend was doing to you. Brian made breakfast every morning for you and let you try new things in the kitchen. John played with you the most random games, and you always ended crying of laugh and hugging your stomach. And Roger, he was treating you like a princess. The first two days, he slept in a too small couch so you could have his bed, until you decided to ask him if he wanted to sleep with you. Trying to sleep apart didn’t work, as most mornings you woke up laying on his chest or with him hugging the life out of you. He also wanted to make you smile again, and he did; the drums and you didn’t seem to like each other, but sitting on his lap each day was worthy. Roger let you sit on him while he played, he taught you even if it was a failure, and he let you read his songs as soon as he wrote them.

Paul noticed how the guys were very fond of you, and knew that he had to do something before you took Freddie away again. So, he started to talk about you to him. It started as a harmless remark about your attitude with the boys or how you seemed to ignore Freddie the most. By the end of your week there, Freddie found you very annoying. And we all know that he doesn’t know how to stop his tongue.

-          Morning. -he said, entering in the kitchen. You were there, as always, covered in flour with Brian and John. Laughs disappeared when you saw him.

-          Hey, Freddie. -you said with a smile. -We’re trying to make some pancakes.

-          I’m doing some pancakes. -Brian said. -John and you are ruining them.

-          That’s not true! -you chuckled. -We are helping!

-          Where is your shadow today, Freddie? -John asked playfully.

You were the only one who saw how Freddie eyes were not joking or kind, and feared what his reaction might be. He sat against a stool with a sarcastic smile.

-          By shadow you mean the only person who cares about me, John? -he asked, and John stayed quiet.

-          He didn’t mean it like that, Freddie. -you sighed.

-          Oh, he did darling! All of you must think that Y/N is part of the group. Since you follow her like lost dogs. -Brian opened his mouth but you were the only who talked.

-          You are the one who is ignoring us, Freddie. -you frowned. -With Paul here, you don’t care about us.

-          I am the bad guy, darling? Really? -he let out a sarcastic laugh. -You don’t fool me, Y/N.

-          What are you talking about? -Brian said, getting tired of the way he was talking to you.

-          She doesn’t have enough with being pathetic around Roger, now she is being an attention whore in front of you guys.

-          Freddie! -John’s angry voice yelled. -Dude, that’s not nice!

-          I’m not the one choosing some chick over his friends, Freddie. -you said with a cold voice.

There was a second when you thought that it had been the worst moment in your life, your best friend calling you a whore. But then, Freddie got up to start his speech; and Roger entered with a frown in the kitchen. You couldn’t tell Freddie before your nightmare began.

-          Roger doesn’t care about you, Y/N, get over yourself. He has a million girls around him, he’s not going to choose the only one who begs pathetically for his attention. -he said, not caring about your tearful eyes. -You’ve been in love with him since the beginning, for the love of God, darling! I would call you a whore, but that’s not true, because it doesn’t matter how hard you try, Y/N; no one wants you, not even Roger.

-          Freddie. -a sad whisper left your mouth, and he turned to see Roger looking wide-eyes at you.

-          Oh.

It seemed that his whimper held a little regret, but you would never know if he wanted to apologise to you. Because as soon as the first sob left your lips, you ran away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Paul walked in the room a few seconds after you left, he found the guys looking at the door in silence. He knew what had happen; he could hear Freddie from his room. And even if it was what he wanted, to make you feel so bad that you left, Paul felt a little tug on guilt at his chest. Because no one knew who far Freddie could take things.

-          I…didn’t mean to say that. -Freddie said, not looking at anyone.

-          You’re an idiot, Freddie. -Brian said. -She has been nothing but kind to you, even when you were being an ass to her.

-          She was-

-          Y/N was sad as fuck. -John interrupted. -You’ve been ignoring her for the real whore here, Paul, and she felt abandoned. We were being the friends you weren’t.

-          Come on, guys! -Freddie argued. -Maybe I was being a little harsh, but that’s all. Y/N will come back soon. It’s just a tantrum.

A discussion started between the guys, and Roger was the only one who still seemed frozen. He was in the bathroom when he heard Freddie calling you pathetic and an attention whore, and he walked in wanting to kick his ass to the moon. What he didn’t expect was to hear that you were in love with him. You, the kind and funny girl who always took care that he didn’t get too drunk. Roger thought about all those times when you had waited until late so you could spend time together, and about the cute blush that covered your cheeks when he touched you. Finally, he thought about your beautiful face full of tears and pain at Freddie’s words. No one could do anything to avoid the fast steps that led Roger to Freddie; and soon, the last one was on the floor with a bleeding nose.

-          You feel better, Freddie? -he asked, getting him up and grabbing him from his shirt. -Tell me, saying those lies about Y/N makes you feel a better person?!

-          I said I didn’t mean it! -Freddie said with a muffle voice, before getting another punch from Roger.

-          But you said it! -he shouted, putting his face inches away from Freddie’s. -You are a coward, Freddie. Y/N is the only good thing here and you just lost her.

-          Don’t act now like you care about her, Roger. -Freddie scoffed, getting away. -She’s the coward, not me. At least I don’t hide my feelings.

-          You sure about that, Freddie? -a cruel laugh left Roger’s lips. -Y/N’s sleeping with me because you aren’t enough of a man to admit that you’re fucking Paul.

-          I’m-! -Freddie’s eyes hardened and, after a pause, a sarcastic smile appeared on his lips. -I’m fucking Paul because I like him, darling. But no one would fuck Y/N even if she paid them for it.

John held Paul away and Brian stood in his place, waiting a few seconds before nodding softly. It took the three men to take Roger away from Freddie; he tried to get away, shouting insults and threats to Freddie blinded by anger. He was thinking about you, a sweet and caring girl who thought less of herself because an idiot. And that gave him strength to get free and hit Freddie one last time.

Time stopped for a few seconds. Freddie was laying on the floor letting out soft pained whimpers, Paul was panicking over him; John and Brian were looking with sadness at the scene; and Roger spat on the ground next to him before leaving the house looking for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second day after you arrived to that house, Roger and you were bored out of your mind, and decided to go to explore around. You found some interesting things, like a lot of strange tools, some chickens and a barn. Inside the barn, there were hidden stairs that lead to a beautiful and comfy place where you could see the stars and the fields. It was the first place you thought about when you ran off, and after hearing the big door close, you regretted your decision; it was obvious that he would find you there.

Your sobs had disappeared nearly an hour ago, just when you though you were going to pass out from crying so much. However, little cries left your mouth still every now and then, and that’s what guided Roger to your place. His long blonde hair appeared at the door, and when his blue eyes saw you, you didn’t find pity or rejection, as you expected; he held worry and care for you.

There was a little mattress on the floor where the drummer boy sat besides you; not offering any useless words, just his calming company while you prepared yourself to talk about it. Your shoulders touched each other, and you found yourself looking at his bruised knuckles.

-          You should take care of that. -your voice was horse from crying. -Before they get swollen and you have problems with the drumsticks.

A small smile made its way to his lips, and he almost wanted to cry. You had just heard your best friend being an asshole to you and you were worrying about him. Maybe he should have been a little bit rougher with Freddie, he thought. He deserved it.

-          It can wait. -he said softly.

-          How much did you hear? -you asked after a while.

-          Everything. I was in the bathroom and Freddie was shouting. -he took your hand between him. -Nothing of what he said was true, Y/N.

-          He’s my best friend, Roger. -you said, and he pained at the defeat in your voice. -If he has said those things it’s because it’s true. Freddie knows-

-          Freddie is an idiot, dove. -he squeezed your hand. -You are not pathetic Y/N, you are the most funny and intelligent girl I’ve met. You’re caring, selfless, beautiful, and your smile is the best thing in everyone’s day.

-          Roger you don’t have to make me feel better. -you sighed, and he hated the tears that formed again in your eyes.

-          I’m not! Dove, I-you’re not clingy. -he sighed, and moved so that he was in front of you and could look at you in the eye. -Do you like me?

-          Roger, please. -some tears escaped your eyes, but he dried them quickly.

-          I need to hear it from you, please. -he begged. -Do you like me as much as I like you?

-          I don’t know how much you like me. -you smiled sadly. -But I like you a lot.

-          That’s good, because I like you a lot too. -he smiled too. -You’re too good for me, Y/N. You’ve endured too much around me, and I don’t deserve that you like me back.

-          Why? -you frowned.

Roger looked at you with loving eyes, wondering why such a perfect human being would like a guy like him.

-          I’ve always thought that Freddie was a coward. -he whispered, wanting to keep the intimate moment that way. -Because he’s gay and everyone knows it; yet he keeps denying it to himself. But I’m the real coward, dove. Because I’m scared that, once that I admit that I like you, you’ll get tired of me.

-          Why would I get tired of you?

-          That’s why I don’t do relationships. -Roger felt shame filling his chest, but he kept going; because you deserved an explanation. -When I imagine myself with a girl, I realise that I don’t have anything to offer. It’s easier to have just one-night stands.

-          I don’t want to be a one-night stand, Roger. -you said, realizing suddenly that you were inches apart; and this time, you did look down at his lips, soft and inviting.

-          You’re perfect, Y/N, everything I’m not. -he said. -But I’m willing to give it a try, just with you. I promise I will do my best, dove.

Before you could talk again, he closed the gap between your lips and closed his eyes. Feeling his lips on yours was something you had imagined a lot of times, but it was even more perfect in real life. His mouth seemed to fit perfect with yours, and it moved slowly; as if he wanted to prove you that he was being serious with you. One on your hands found his long hair, as the other covered his on your cheek. The kiss began to be greedier, but before you could think if you wanted, he parted. You followed his face a little, making him laugh and place a soft peck on your lips.

-          I’m in for whatever this is. -you smiled, feeling the happiness coming back.

-          I promise, you wont regret it, dove.

That afternoon, Brian found you in the barn, both of you sleeping in the small mattress on the ground tangled around each other. He smiled softly at the sight. Maybe you were no longer Freddie’s best friend, but Roger’s amazing girl. And everyone was okay with that.

[lunartearrose]

Ok... im gonna be serious for a sec here...

Its so tiring to see so much drama in fandom spaces

Like first there's the fact that hey, people have to fucking stop obsessing over people, digging, stalking, doing all this shit to people who don't deserve it. Do your own research, know your facts, and know when to quit. Its almost like people get pleasure from drudging up muck on others and its sickening. Block, move on. I'd understand if there was a huge, major issue, but especially if you've got your facts wrong you're only ruining the day of another human being over and over. The block button is easy and free. It pays to distance.

Like seriously some of y'all are staight up stalking people like you're out for blood, stalking twitter handles, screening twitters and tumblrs and hell even more personal places and where blogs have gone when ive never even seen proof of any claims prior. Many others havent either and even worse some blindly follow. Its not funny or cute or a spiritual duty to oggle at these individuals this is just horrible and if you really, honestly get joy from driving people away even after they correct their problematic behaviors or follow your tips because they were non the wiser on a subject, there's something wrong with you. If you're obsessive like that, with a non forgiving never forgetting policy, just don't even interract. Re-evaluate what you're doing here. People grow and change and its ignorant not to believe that. If people never changed, we wouldnt be where we are as a world.

And second, the drama of bringing it up over and fuckinng over again. Neverending. I thought ive seen the last of the talk of this person but hey!! Here it is again! Right in my face! This gets so tiring and i can speak from experience when i say drama over something as a fandom, ship, headcanon or whatever just makes people lose interest.

It disheartens it disgusts after a while even until theres so much bombshells to have to watch after that, and you feel you can barely move. There's probably other people that feel this too who are more watchers, and even if you are/think you're doing good by spreading info there's a point where it goes to be too much. You drive people away, it makes nobody wanna have a say or interract. I personally have dropped interest in many a thing for this reason. This person's bad, that's cringe, that's not correct even if it the majority headcanon isn't real, incorrect even if the headcanon is rare! Like seriously, unwind. You can dream and like all you want! Just don't start shit or start lying about other people because they disagree! This or that, that or the other thing, it makes me wanna roll up a paper and smack you very gently on the head because, im angry, but im not violent! Its just so much endless back and fourth because nobody can let go, and people try to drag it out and just aah, how do you still listen to yourselves type? Speak? How are you not tired of an endless debate that you keep going back to?

Look, i used to kind of be that way with ships. I used to hate a popular, nonproblematic few for no reason other than i didn't like the chemistry of it, or it made me think of bad things personal to myself, and i used to bash. But someone who is currently like one of my best friends pulled my head outta my ass and was like hey! Thats not cool! Chill! And over time, with their help, in some ways, i unwound and saw that what i made myself hate wasn't bad. It was chill, and now if they asked me for a doodle of something they liked cuz they were down I'd do it woth a smile. People are as numerous and varying as stars in the sky, and nobody will think exactly like you do, so don't try to snuff them out or change them if they don't want to. Informing and forcing are two different things, with a very fine and defined line between.

Ships and headcanons that are good are good. Popular ones are fine, so is straight, so is gay, bi, lesbian, trans, polly, platonic, rarepairs, crossovers, tasteful ocs, not really going with theme or order, those are what i talk about when i say its fine to like and let people like! If you have comprehensive skill and know what im saying and arent gonna be like, "ah, so you advocate for *insert horrible thing i obviously never meant*!!! Disgusting for shame!" Then you must understand!

I guess, the TLDR here would be this: Unwind. Take a breath, try please try to get along with someone, don't spread hate, see things from their perspective and if someone bothers you, and they aren't actively advocating for disgusting things and nothing can br proven but you still have that urk, please. For your and everyone's sake. Look at the block button. Press it. Breathe. I swear, things will be so much better if you just let yourself have peace. It's a simple act of pure self love.

Otherwise, you're only sitting there, endlessly trying to get fleeting enjoyment from meaningless, hurting drama. And nobody wants that suffocation in the end.

[synthaphone]

doing this whole OC meme thing for me mostly, very likely not interesting to anyone else (because I’m not really explaining who any of these guys are and I don’t expect anyone to know all of them, also its formatted badly and i didn’t edit it well) so i’m putting it under a cut

The oldest OC I still bring back occasionally is Bluebell, who is an alien creature I invented in 6th grade. She used to be named Hana, because I was taking Japanese lessons and was in that phase of elementary school where you think that naming your characters after a word in another language is always the best and coolest idea

The newest OC I have that’s like, a main character is I guess Viarnne, but my newest OC that’s not a fan character is Slice the rainbow layer cake dragon

I can’t pick a favorite OC very easily- I love Pike and Tu personality-wise a whole lot out of my Dialien characters, and I think Viarnne is my favorite Neopet right now. OH also i love my old character Alkaline

picking a favorite OC design is even harder- of my neopets, Alxxa has the coolest design I think, both to draw and as far as general appearance goes. For all original characters, my favorite for a long time was the character I made whose design was... literally adapted from Alxxa but not a Neopet. I think I called it Tiramisu?? its been a while since I’ve actually drawn Tiramisu

My main reason for making OCs is sort of different for different types of characters- I think part of it is that I legitimately want to tell stories, but the biggest thing IS that I just find character design fun, in particular designing and drawing creatures.

Uhh it’s different for different characters but it usually involves finding something fun to draw and then drawing it a bunch, to see if it stays fun, or if I can keep it fun. If I don’t have fun drawing a character, they tend to sort of fall away- like, you don’t see me drawing Jukebawks often, even though I had fun coming up with a design, because she’s... hard to draw, and doesn’t have as much range of expression as a lot of my other characters. (plus I don’t have a personality for her- if I have a backstory I’m really invested in for a character, I can basically draw very similar pictures of them over and over again and have fun because I like their story so much, which is probably a bit of a flaw)

I don’t really ship my OCs with anyone else’s- I’ve never even really shipped my OCs with like, canon characters from anything? I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea of shipping my characters with someone else’s, but I’m not very good at communication or roleplaying, and a lot of my characters aren’t really what I would call ‘shippable’, so it tends to be easier to just work by myself on that kind of thing.

uhhh i have a couple ocs who I ship but i’m really self conscious about doing so, so i talk about most of them almost never. I ship Sam and Viarnne but I want to actually have a story where it makes sense for them to end up forming a relationship like that, so for now i’m mostly focusing on how their friendship will work (also, just like, assume none of my OCs are fucking I guess?? even the ones i ship together- that’s one of those things that’s just never really been interesting to me, and i mostly just don’t want to deal with jokes about it because like, please?? i like relationship stuff but i just don’t get anything out of sex stuff, jokes or otherwise, most of the time. also please don’t take this as a moral judgement if that’s something you do, i don’t care as long as its not like, something morally reprehensible, you do you). oh i also have Alxxa and Sensurround (neopets), Zotyre and Gyronaut (neopets), Alkaline and Skurl (original story), uhhh kind of not sure if Tu and Iris are gonna end up having a romantic relationship in my Dialien story, i need to do more thinking

weirdest... oc... uhhhhh i’m not sure what that would entail, exactly. my fursona might be the weirdest just from like, not having any sort of world or story or anything, she just floats in space and picks up space radio signals and stuff

I don’t really have enough villain ocs- I guess at this point, Chexerton is kind of a villain, he’s like a shitty space security guard for Virtupets. most of my completely original stories don’t have villains- Dialiens (it needs a better name- maybe just Dial) is more about mental health struggles and potentially capitalism or colonialism, and with LOSER (a story i think i have barely ever talked about on here, its the one with Skurl and Alkaline) i straight up can’t decide whether its a fun road trip where character flaws are explored and then like, amends are made, or if it ultimately ends with the characters not overcoming their flaws and destroying each other. its kind of been both in my mind for a long time which is why i can’t write it- can’t decide whether the relationship should be ultimately healthy or toxic

This is a tough question- I don’t think of my OCs as real people, exactly, that I could be mean to or ‘torture, muahaha i love seeing my babies suffer’- but they’re deeply personal to me, and I don’t think its always useful to see them as constructs unworthy of being treated with kindness. I guess what I would consider being ‘nice’ to my OCs is trying to realize them better and have them make sense and function properly in whatever stories I’m trying to tell using them. In that regard, I guess there’s some I theoretically ‘neglect’ by not really focusing on them very often, or by getting tired of their stories but never officially ‘getting rid’ of them?? Plus I don’t have time to develop literally every character I’ve ever had. I have all kinds of old OCs that i’m not planning to do anything with anymore, but they meant something to me at some point, and its not like they’re going to pile up and take up space in my house if I don’t, like, sell them. I like knowing that if I ever need to look back at my old stuff for ideas, there’s a bunch of stuff I might be able to use or repurpose again someday.

Again, I don’t really think about it as ‘killed’. I guess I don’t have the main character from Skurl’s original story anymore, who was like a mammalian Invader Zim-esque fantasy evil fortress knight?? and Skurl was the funny animal curmudgeon sidekick. I made that protagonist up because the story needed a protagonist, and he never even really had a personality to speak of- his rival was better defined, the mad scientist from the idea had a more interesting character design- basically every other character from that story I might bring back, but that protagonist is probably gone for good. Maybe I’ll bring back his weird ear decorations that smushed his fabric-y rabbit ears down, those were kind of the most interesting thing he had going on. OH if you mean literally killed off in a story, in the nightmare angst version of LOSER Skurl ends up like, not DEAD exactly, but severely fucked up to the point where he’d be better off dead. And Viarnne is technically dead

Oh man years ago I had an OC named O-BR who was a robotic panda bear toy who was possessed by the soul of some dude who died who was a father, and now is kind of the robotic parental figure of the child who owns the bear toy. i don’t think that actually works well as a story- i never even figured out what that dude’s name was, just the name of the bear. it’s name was O-BR because its ears were like, floating purple plastic cheerio shapes that hovered next to his head. this was another ‘i’m obsessed with invader zim’ era character

80% of my Neopet OCs at any given time- also 80% of my non fandom based OCs at any given time. I don’t have time to come up with stories for all of them, and I tend to just focus on whatever is interesting enough that I remember it

I hate drawing Jukebawks... i’m sorry jukebawks........ maybe i should like, offer her up for trade, but i’m not sure anyone else would want her?? i like the idea of her!! i should actually probably design her to be easier for me to draw, in all honesty. When it comes to writing though, Moe has given me so much grief because I honest to god don’t know how he fits into the story and group dynamic in Dialiens. He’s like, kind of an asshole loner who keeps to himself and doesn’t want people to bother him?? i’m not even confident he uses ‘he’ pronouns. i don’t know

this feels like its more designed for people who have more humanoid ocs where they’re heights are more, like, similar, so being short or tall is a thing?? like, for Neopets, Alxxa’s the tallest because he’s really long, and Viarnne is the shortest because he’s an oval that’s like a foot tall. as far as the only character heights that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, the Dialiens, tallest to shortest, are: Pike, Moe (not counting the ears), Iris, Chives, Tu

I guess my oldest ocs are Zotyre, Gyronaut, and that mutant Moehog lady- youngest would be Chilston, i guess. and as far as OCs, i have no idea, i don’t think enough about age. approaching characters from the angle that they’re Cartoons!!!! and then deciding to try and give them nuance later means that everyone’s just sort of nebulously adult-ish

Do I dislike any of my OCs, like, as characters, or as people? I think Pike, despite being one of my favorite OCs, would irritate me quite a bit in real life, because his personality is heavily influenced by traits that annoyed me about other people I’ve met, but like, trying to see them more sympathetically?? but he’d get on my nerves. Iris fits this a lot too- I don’t think I’d like Moe much either?? i dunno its a weird question, i like them because they’re my characters and also because they’re not real. i don’t think most of them would be friends with me or anything if they were real, even if so many of them are based on parts of me

oh i’ve made self inserts- i definitely had a self insert Invader Zim character that i drew maybe a single time, and then pretended to be in daydreams in my head while bored during school. she had an angsty backstory. then after that i pretended to be Trigger in my daydream stories all the time in school for like, 3 years (like, during points in time where i was zoning out during class, or walking between classes)

uhhhhh I regret not doing more with these characters, and i regret that i can’t answer a lot of important questions about characters I’ve had for years Now. i’ve had them for years, so they feel really definitive and rock solid in my mind, so they’re hard to change, but also they’re really not as nuanced as i want them to be. its a bit tough

well someone in freshman year of college who i ended up cutting ties with because of some kind of wild friend group drama and like, important political and philosophical differences, actually knew me from deviantart and remembered one of my OCs. that was pretty wild. that’s one person though... uhhh, are any of my OCs popular?? I’m just excited when anyone finds a character i’ve come up with interesting. I’m glad other people seem to like Viarnne!!! it fills me with terror that i’ll like, ruin him by writing a bad story, but its also exciting and validating to come up with a character story and for other people to also enjoy it

uhhh its Viarnne again. i drew him to try and demonstrate how a robot Kiko could be an appealing character design and it backfired on me. i love drawing Orb with a Face and Arms and i am happy when i see him as my active pet on neopets. I guess Pike also qualifies- when I initially drew the Dialiens, I had very vague personality ideas for them, and I felt like he would be the bully. he has since become very much NOT the bully (like, he seems more like a person who would get bullied) and I’ve grown really fond of him. also i created Trigger to be a Chuck E Cheese style mascot back before fucking Five Nights At Freddy’s existed and destroyed that that as an original idea (fuck you FNAF i have two characters now who are basically... that and you can’t ruin that for me. i was here FIRST (this is a joke its not even that great of a premise, my shit isn’t horror, and i’ll deal)). he was also based on a glow in the dark grey alien and a skeleton and lived in an abandoned pizza entertainment building and was basically an evil villain, and then high school me decided that instead of being that he was gonna be a mutated teenager and it was going to be really angsty. I don’t really have as much interest in that backstory anymore??? but I sure had a lot of fun with it for like 4 years so i think that counts

[spookysshadow]

RULES: tag ten followers you want to know better!

Tagged by: @dark-alice-lilith and @gingerangelofthursday

TAGGING: @nixie-deangel, @grayacejace, @seb-verlacs, @randomthingsthatilike123, @vexedcer, @comeflywithme123, @kotarose8, @naruto-uzufuckit, @rubberduckyxo, @jeanetulip

Yay! I actually tagged ten people! That never happens.

NAME: Katarina

STAR SIGN: Taurus

HEIGHT: 5′2.25′’ (I want my quarter) ooooor 159.3 cm

PUT YOUR ITUNES/SPOTIFY ON SHUFFLE. WHAT ARE THE FIRST 4 SONGS THAT POPPED UP?

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

Carry Me - Eurielle

Family Tree - Matthew West

Where Did You Sleep Last Night - Nirvana Cover

GRAB THE BOOK NEAREST YOU AND TURN TO PAGE 23. WHAT’S LINE 17? "Heat must be supplied from October 1 through May 31 to tenants in”

EVER HAD A POEM OR SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU? Not that I know of. 

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED AIR GUITAR? Maybe last night? maybe Sunday night? Most definitely Saturday.

WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH? Janelle Monae, Troian Bellisario, Emma Watson, Alberto Rosende, Antoni, Jade Hassoune, I could go on 

WHAT’S A SOUND YOU HATE + SOUND YOU LOVE?

HATE: Men yelling/speaking loudly

LOVE: Rain outside my window, waterfalls. cats purring, my sisters laughing, the Portuguese (both BR and PT) language.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? No, maybe. Like spirits and bad vibes I def believe in but ghosts as pictured on screen, not so much.

HOW ABOUT ALIENS? There is no way we are the only things living in this universe, no way, there's got to be others

DO YOU DRIVE? Yes. I also bought my car, which I have named Percy after both the demigod from the Percy Jackson Series and Percy Weasley from Harry Potter.

IF SO, HAVE YOU EVER CRASHED? Never. I have had my car stop suddenly on a busy road in NJ though, which was fun (read: terrifying) But I’m pretty calm when it comes to crisis situations and no one got hurt.

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. An interesting book for self-help, however you can definitely tell this book was made for middle class and up. Just some of the advice really doesn’t seem feasible when you are financial insecure.

DO YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE? Kinda? I love and hate, it’s an interesting smell, but it gives me a headache immediately. 

WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? Coco!! I loved that movie, it was so good and well done.

WHAT’S THE WORST INJURY YOU’VE EVER HAD? It was my senior year, I was playing defense for my field hockey team at playoffs. I went to go stop the other girl from passing to her teammate and she hit the ball up, and it hit my chin. I didn’t realize it was bleeding until my teammate told me and they basically taped my chin together and I played the rest of the game. We won, and then I went to get stitches. All in all good time for me.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSIONS RIGHT NOW? Therapy, looking at cute bookshelves on Pinterest, coming up with article ideas for Cornell’s Chapter of HerCampus, and apartment decor.

DO YOU TEND TO HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE YOU WRONG? I used to be worse with this. I have a very hard time trusting people in general, and I don’t necessarily hold grudges anymore but I do tend to share less if you will if someone has wronged more or hurt someone I love. Unless it’s someone that the person truly has shown remorse for or has made it a goal to make amends. Then I’m more lenient.

IN A RELATIONSHIP? Nah. 

[sambart93]

2017.10.16/17 Honoo no Mirage 4th Stage Review!

Official Website here Official Blog here Official Twitter here Press Coverage 1, 2  PreOrder DVD/BR here and here

CAST and CHARACTERS

Tomita Sho as Kase (Uesugi Kagetora) Hiramaki Jin as Kasehara (Naoe) Tsukui Minami as Mari (Kakizaki Haruie) Igarashi Maasa as Ryo (Yasuda Nagahide) Onogawa Aki as Minako Kanegae Kou as Takasaka Tadamasa Miyagi Koudai as Tetsuji Yuasa Masayuki as Masa Masuda Yuuki as Kuchiki (Oda Nobunaga) Hayashi Shuji as James D Hando/Hands (Mori Ranmaru) Kasahara Shinji as Sasaki (Irobe Katsunaga) Mizutani Atsushi as Master Ensemble: Sugawara Takeshi, Hosokawa Akihiro, Kitamura Kai, Tanaka Ryo, Kaneko Kayo, Kidera Nao

QUICK BACKSTORY

So when this stage got announced and we learnt that literally half of the cast, including Aramaki Yoshihiko (Maki-Chan), had been switched out; I was furious! I was so upset and so angry! I LOVE ShoSan (Tomita Sho) and MakiChan together and this was a BL stage were I could have them LITERALLY together as canon! But MakiCahn wasn’t returning; I was so angry! I’d watched the third stage the previous year (review here) and I’d fallen in love with the world and the series! I wanted MakiChan to continue. However, it was clear that I wasn’t the only fan outraged, and MakiChan took to both his blog AND a livestream to explain why he wasn’t returning; it’s not that he didn’t like the series but that he felt he wasn’t good enough for the role; he explained how many times he just couldn’t understand what Naoe (his character) was thinking nor what his motives were so he had a lot of trouble bringing the character justice and that’s why he stepped down. I calmed down after he explained and decided to get tickets for it anyway so that  could at least support ShoSan - who I haven’t seen act since... TouStage. Naturally I followed the rehearsals and kept track of ShoSan and Hiramaki’s twitters and stuff (Hiramaki was replacing MakiChan), and slowly but surely I started getting super duper excited for it. I rewatched some of the previous stages before going this time and it reestablished my love for this world and story so it ended up being more of a ‘I’m going because I love the series’ rather than being a stickler on the cast change.

NON-SPOILER REVIEW Overall: This was amazing! I am SO glad I went and I’m super glad I went twice but I’m super upset I didn’t go at least 3 times; that’s how good this was! Once again I was sucked into this world and just wanted to know more and more. The ShoSan x Hiramaki pairing was absolute perfection. I have nothing BUT praise for Hiramaki as Naoe - he exceeded my expectations and did an amazing. I am now currently super obsessed with him (which is strange because looks like I’ve been to a lot of his plays in the past - TOEI HERO, PuriStage, Dance with Devils; so it’s not like it’s anything new.. I’m going off point..) Once again the visuals, projection mapping, and music was absolutely amazing. I am so upset there are only about two stages left in this series and that the book series finishes next year! I cried SO hard at this stage. The only down point to this play is there's a lot of storylines and plots brought up in this particular stage, the two hours feels like 3 hours because you’re trying to understand it in your head and click the links together between the stories. And I do think Minako’s story is bollocks and should be cut out for the most part but I get it’s there to create tension between Kagetora and Naoe. BUT it definitely wasn’t boring; just a lot to process which (at least the first time) made the play feel long. Rating: 8.5/10

SPOILER REVIEW

it’s been a while since I’ve gotten such a close seat in Theatre 1010 - I always get really good seats like aisle or smack in the middle but I rarely get within the first section of the seating area, so it was nice to be so close this time around xD

I don’t really know where to start with this so I think this will be all over the place xD But I’ll try!

STORY

The main story continues where the second stage finished; stopping Oda Nobunaga from whatever world ruining plans he has. But they soon learn just what his plans are this time; with the help of him creating babies with the possessive powers.

We also have side stories such as; Kase trying to stop his feelings for Minako; Minako who currently is engaged to someone else but really wants Kase; Naoe who’s jealous that Minako is the one Kase wants; yet Kase thinks and worries about Naoe constantly; Tetsuji turns out to be supernatural kid who can use the same powers as them (as in the main cast group) as well as possess a sort of psychic power; Mari can no longer sing because Oda took that power fro her; Mari and Sasaki have to look after this new power kid; Master gets shot.

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I think that’s all. It’s A LOT don’t you think? It definitely hurt my brain the first showing >.< the second time around, I was able to enjoy it a lot more and I got so much more invested the second time around; the amount of times I cried! And the curtain call; we were all a mess (all meaning the audience, only Mari’s actress cried on stage).

As stated above, I feel like the Minako story line was bullshit. We first met her in the first stage where she gets possessed by evil spirits and Kase saves her but even in the second stage we know she’s going to get married, so the fact she comes back into Kase life and is like ‘I’ll break up with him. I’ll through away even my family so long as I can be by your side’ and Kase, obviously knowing that she doesn’t know just how dangerous his life is and how much of a risk she would be staying by his side. She’s so stupid. Part of this story line I find acceptable to be kept in the play because with her in the picture, it really messes up Naoe; he’s clearly in love with Kase and totally possessive of him and so to have her pop up and Naoe can clearly see that Kase has feelings for her back, Naoe gets really jealous and he gets really confrontational with Minako, and he gets really snappy with Kase because of it. It also leads Naoe to be really manipulative but also it makes him flipflop between pretending to be nice in front of them and just not giving a shit as to what they think and simply saying and doing what he feels. So for those scenes and moments I accept her story. BUT there’s parts of her training with Kase to become stronger, and there’s two separate scenes where it’s her and Kase talking about how she wants to stay by his side. I wish they’d done that in just one scene because in one scene she gives him a scarf because it’s getting cold and then in the second one she’s like ‘I’m ready to go. Come with me’ and this is when Naoe walks in; I wish the scarf scene and Naoe walking in on them had been just one scene, because during the scarf scene (the first time around) my brain went ‘OH YES! NAOE IS GUNNA SEE THIS AND GO MENTAL!’ but he didn’t, yet he does in the second scene so it seemed like a waste of time and seemed right that he’d butt in on the Christmas present scene better. I’m sure I’m not making any sense because no one else has watched it but... I wanted that to be one scene because I flt they dragged her story out so much and she practically just said the same things every time. The scenes where she AND Naoe was involved were so much more entertaining because you could see Naoe cracking inside and just couldn’t bare seeing them together.

The other slightly negative thing about the story that I noticed was the lack of comedy; in the past three stages they’ve at least had some decent amount of comedy sprinkled in, but in this fourth stage there is literally nothing. It’s 98% serious and dark and it’s very mentally draining, so that’s another reason why this stage felt a lot slower. There is no comedy relief for a good 80/90 minutes and then finally the lovely Koudai comes on stage and he gives the atmosphere some life and energy. But even his story quickly gets dark too =[ It always baffles me when a stage series changes something major about their set-up, for example TouMyu stopping Otokomichi for their lives in Mihotose, and in this one when suddenly they’ve decided to get rid of the comedy completely; you’ve set up THREE stages where we get at least a good 2 or 3 good laughs and some relief, you can’t change such a necessary, predominate aspect of your series it in your FOURTH stage.

SCENES/COMMENTS

The opening is SO loud and powerful!!! It was so good!! The music as always is amazing and I love, love, love the projection mapping as always - especially for the opening scene!

As mentioned above; this stage was intense. There’s not really a moment you can breathe, at least not until Koudai comes on stage, and he’s this happy, clapping guy for the most part and helps raise the atmosphere somewhat.

The showdown between Kase and Hands was interesting because Kase is like ‘why do you stay by Oda’s side’ and stuff. I gets really heated.

I also really love when Hands approaches Naoe and tries to persuade to join him and there’s this moment of complete silence as we wait for Naoe to answer him and then he slaps Hands plans/money out of his hand and goes ‘No thank you’ it’s so cool!

I loved the showdown between Kase and Oda too when they’re drinking together and then once they’ve finish their drinks, their civil masks come off and BAM(!) their shoot their powers at each other.

This time around, we witness the Master getting shot! I was so shocked! BUT it was only his leg so fingers crossed he comes back -- although the actors (Atsushi) already stated this is his last one *cries* I really liked the scene before this one where he and Masa watch Mari perform on the bar’s stage for the last time and Masa and Master get all emotional and start crying, it’s amusing. And then in this scene when he gets shot, Masa FINALLY speaks and he goes ‘MASTER!’ in shock as he tries to help him up =[

Towards the end when Oda’s powers transform and he becomes this unstoppable, powerful, force, just as he and Kase go all out on attacking and killing each other, Kenshin (Kase’s adoptive father) pops up and completely shuts down the fight. I looked like Kenshin was abandoning Kase and it crushes Kase hard and he’s like ‘why are you leaving me? What did I do wrong?!’ and Kenshin explains that they have to work together (he and Oda) in order to stop the world from... going to shit(?). I’m super interested in seeing if Kenshin will continue to pop up. I assume he’ll finally reveal himself properly (he was back-lighted in this stage so we didn’t see his face or anything, and it’s obvious an ensemble guy was playing Kenshin because he hasn’t properly been cast) in future stages.

One of the very small comedy scenes which brought a smile to my face is when Miyagi is in the background eating Nabe (hotpot) and it just such a happy boy as he eats <3 it’s such an adorable moment and he runs over to Ryo and Kase and is like ‘come and eat with nabe with me!’ he’s so adorable! And then Kase orders Ryo to stay with Miyagi as he goes off and when Ryo sits down, across fro Miyagi, the scene starts to fade to black but Ryo slaps him across the head -- it’s very funny. Unfortunately in the first show, no one else laughed (besides myself) BUT luckily in the second show, everyone laughed!

A quick note: the height difference between Sho and Igarashi, and Sho and Jin is hilarious yet totally cute at the same time!

I also like the scene just after Naoe’s parents’ funeral and Naoe goes to his now burnt down house and is trying to clean it up somewhat but naturally he just breaks down on the floor - I cried so hard, it broke my heart so much - and Kase is there giving somewhat moral support.

Speaking of Kase and Naoe being together! I need to talk about how ShoSan and Hiramaki became my new OTP within like minutes of seeing this stage!!!!

MY NEW OTP!

I ship Shosan and Jin, and Kase and Naoe SO HARD after seeing this play! Holy moly WHERE TO BEGIN!

The OPENING CREDITS scene, Kase and Naoe come on stage together but then Minako shows up from the left side of the stage, so Kase goes towards her and we see Naoe on the opposite side of the stage just DEATH STARING her down. Another scene is when Kase hugs Minako and Naoe is top right part of the stage and he just looks in horror and shaking his head and slowly backs away but looking totally heartbroken(!) -- it’s SO powerful and Jin’s facial express in both moments is amazing!!

As I mentioned above; I really wanted Naoe to walk in when Minako gives Kase the scarf. But before this scene we have Naoe talking to Kase and he’s like ‘who are you think about right now? ... It’s her sin’t it. Why do you get involved?’ and then the scarf scene Minako asks ‘who are you thinking of right now? It’s Naoe isn’t it. You really care for him’ BUT Kase never expresses his emotions NOT EVEN ONCE! So it’s like KASE WHO DO YOU LIKE?! WHO DO YOU WANT?! But I feel like he loves both of them but in different ways; Minako is just a quick infactuational love and would rather be far away from her so she can live happily and survive, whereas Naoe has ALWAYS been there for him and they worry and care about each other just as much as the other and therefore are practically soulmates; both in a romantic and platonical sense. Does that make sense? Whatever, these two belong to be together!

And towards the end, after Kase breaks down after he sees Kenshin abandon him, Naoe hugs him from behind, and it looked like Kase was gunna hold his hand (my hearts is super dokidoki right now xD) but Kase holds for a milisecond before just pushing Naoe back!! Ohhh myyy!! KASE JUST ACCEPT HIM! LET HIM LOOK AFTER YOU! *cries*

The kiss scene!!! Ohhh myyy! I’m calling it a kiss scene!! They techinically didn’t kiss but they were literally millimeters away!!! AND Jin has the back of his head to the audience blocking our view so they could’ve been kissing really! I also love how Tetsuji walks IN on this and just screams and falls to the floor xD

Oh god I’m getting so emotional over these two... not only are the characters amazing but I think Jin and ShoSan work so freaking well together! is is their second or third time working together. Straight after this stage, ShoSan and Jin filmed a movie together too! So they obviously get along well too o_O <3

Can we get some APPRECIATION here?!

THE ACTING

Tomita Sho as Kase (Uesugi Kagetora): ShoSan is always phenomenal. He knows how to play a cold, unemotional, sometimes mean (especially towards Naoe) character very well. But he also has subtle switches between when he’s being Kase and when he remembers that he’s also Kagetora. During the AfterTalk on the 16th, the cast members mentioned how even though the audience can’t really see it, the switch in his eyes when he’s either Kase or either Kagetori is scary! His eyes are (I quote) ‘so cold and soul-piercing when you’re Kagetora!’. He’s such a great actor. I love whatever he does! And I love him as Kase.

Look how sexy he is!! ^^^ *dead*

Hiramaki Jin as Kasehara (Naoe): I cannot with Jin. All the priase seriously. I have nothing but praise for him. His Naoe was/is PERFECT! I was SO pissed when MakiChan stepped down, yet Hiramaki Jin took what MakiChan had made of Naoe and added to it. Jin acts VERY similar to MakiChan, especially their voices are similar when they both yell which was a little weird at first for me to hear. I was like ‘HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE MAKI! But.. that’s in!’ xD Jin’s facial expressions and how he looked towards say Kase as opposed to say Minako is such a huge difference. And it’s SO obvious when Naoe is just brewing with either jeaous or hatred thanks to Jin’s facial expressions; they’re phenomenal! I think it was partially the scripts help but I mainly want to applaud Jin on his performance of Naoe because I REALLY fucking understood Naoe this time around. I walked out of that threate on the first show thinking ‘I love how layered Naoe is!‘, and I walked out of the second show thinking ‘Fuck Naoe is SO complicated but it’s SO realistic and very human.’ I totally understand WHY MakiChan had such a hard time understanding and being Naoe and his motives; MakiChan is clearly just too purehearted and not messed up enough because I TOTALLY related to Naoe in this one.

Let me give you an explain of just how complex Naoe is:

One scene he approaches Minako with such a light air and all smiles, and says he’ll help her and Kase escape and live a happy life to which she’s super happy and she goes on to talk about how she wants to be by Kase’s side, Naoe then mentions softly ‘but don’t you already have someone? A fiance?’ and she says she’ll break that off if it means she can be with Kase. To which, Naoe’s jealous side immediately comes out and he does a complete 180 straight away and snaps at her ’you have a fiance, why are you messing with Kase? Just leave him! You already have someone! Just go off and be with them! Why does it have to be Kase?!’ and obviously she is shocked and confused by his complete switch within minutes.

He did something similar to Kase, he said gently ‘you should go with Minako, get out away from here. Go somewhere safe. We can handle Oda with just us three’ but Kase turns around and orders that it is Naoe who should go with Minako and get to safety, but of course Naoe cracks and goes something like ‘why her?! And why are you making me go with her?! I want to be by your side! I want to protect you! I’m suppose to protect you!’ and Kase is like ‘you’re protecting me by protecting my heart (which is with her)!’ and Naoe is like ‘then what about me?! Do I not matter?! What am I to you?’ and the scene ends with ‘THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR MASTER. You will leave and go with her!’ to which Naoe can only kneel and go ‘Yes Kagetori-sama’.

I totally understand Naoe. He’s in a constant battle with his brain and his heart. He wants Kase to be happy, so Kase should go with Minako. But Naoe can’t stand the thought of Kase being with anyone else but him, so he wants to crush Minako and have her out of Kase’s life. But he also wants to keep Kase safe and one way is by making him runaway with Minako, but then that means he can’t be by Kase’s side which makes him angry and jealous all over again. And they’re master and servant so Naoe should keep his feelings towards Kase a secret and stay professional but sometimes it’s just too much and his feelings and actions from those feelings burst out which Kase clearly keeps rejecting somewhat which confuses Naoe and hurts him even more yet he can’t give Kase up. It’s just a constantly cycle of internal fighting that Naoe has going on and I can completely relate << my entrie teenage years were this cycle’

I got ALL this out of two performances from Hiramaki Jin; if that doesn’t show you just how amazing of an actor he is then please get out of my life xD

I’ve watched so much of Jin’s stuff and gone to stuff because he’s been in it (among with others in the cast) and I always buy his goods. I really like Jin. He deserves a hell of a lot more stage work xD

Isn’t he adorable!

Igarashi Maasa as Ryo (Yasuda Nagahide): He was a great Ryo! He did a really good job as Ryo. But he didn’t have enough stage time to really give us a sense of how Igarashi himself is putting a spin on Ryo. I hope in the next stage he gets more stage time so we can see his version of Ryo more fleshed out. Also, he was so sweet at the 17th’s curtain call; he wanted a Call and Response so we did:

Him: Yasuda Audience: Nagahide Him: Honoo no Audience: Mirage!

He was so happy we shouted so loud for his call and response ^_^

Kanegae Kou as Takasaka Tadamasa: His fight scene towards the beginning of the stage is SO cool! He jumps down fro the top back stage and so cooly just rearranges his hat and clothing between wooping bad guys’ butts! I also love how he was more ‘behind the scenes’ and watched the world starting to crumbling and almost narrating the events rather than getting involved. BUT I like how he saved Kase at one point so he clearly has some motive. In the AfterTalk on the 16th, Kanegae talked about the ‘him saving Kase’ scene and said ‘Suki wake janai / He didn’t do it because he likes Kase. He has an ulterior motive.’ which is very Tadamasa-like.

Miyagi Koudai as Tetsuji: I loved Miyagi’s character in Messiah (review here) and I loved his character in this too! He is very, very, very quickly becoming a favourite actor of mine! In this, he is playing a 15 year old(!) which makes it even better and explains why his character has an oversized sweater and looks a little disheveled and is happy and bouncy. Koudai on stage was a breath of fresh air! I enjoyed his character so much! I LOVE Naoe’s reaction when Tetsuji suddenly starts attacking Hands with his supernatural powers and Naoe is like ‘you...you’re?!’ and I love how Naoe protected Tetsuji during the bigger fights. I’m so glad his character Tetsuji has this untapped power similar to that of the main group, which implies he’ll be in he next one too! I hope so! 

Koudai himself is adorable. I watched his AfterTalk and he talked about how he wasn’t sure he was the right choice for the role at first because he’s playing a 14/15 year old (again xD), and during rehearsals or backstage he would just be like ‘I’M A CHILD!’ so the other actors would remember too to treat his character more like a kid xD Also, during this AT, he said he and Tetsuji felt happy when he’s eating, and everyone replied 'why?!’ You’re not event actually eating!’ to which he answered that he feels his character didn’t have a happy life so being able to eat was something that made him really happy. Also at the FINAL curtain call, he was the very last to come on stage and because he was late to come on, he came charging onstage with his hand over his mouth; his face was full of food xD he wasn’t expecting a 4th curtain call nor to be called on during that curtain call xD ADORABLE!

Yuasa Masayuki as Masa:  Masa was adorable! I was upset at first that they changed Masa’s actor but he was adorable! They even dragged him into the aftertalk and sat on the same seat with Master (Atsushi) xD I hope both Masa and Master can continue into the next stage even though it was implied it was their last stage and scene for Mirage *cries*

Sugawara Takeshi: He was in the third stage of Honoo and I was SO happy to see him back! I really like him as an ensemble member! And he got so many various speaking roles and characters and they were all great!

EXTRAS

On the 16th, Ryo’s previous actor was there watching xD and at curtain call Sasak was like ‘HOW WAS IT RYO?!.... I guess he won’t tell us in front of everyone. You’ll tell us backstage right?! ... I’ll take that as a yes’ xD

Jin explained that his Naoe is a little different every time – so he’s pulling a Mokkun (Mihotose reference there) xD

On the final show, there were 4 curtain calls; two of them were standing ovations. The writer was also there and so ShoSan got her to stand up and give her opinions about it and she thanked everyone and said she enjoyed the stage a lot and she’s sad that her next book in this series is her last one. On the very fourth and final curtain call, ShoSan did his signature 'I just have one last thing to say... KAERE!/go home!’ I love ShoSan so much!

ALSO these beautiful pictures surfaced during the run of this stage <3 ENJOY!

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GOODS

I was only going to buy the pamphlet xD and my ticket came with a ShoSan FC limited bromide <3 BUT I ended up loving Koudai and Jin so much in this that I just had to!

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Oh my god I ACTUALLY caught up! ALL my stage play reviews are done! AND there’s just MakiChan events missing now really <3 BIG KUDOS TO ME! xD

[cureforbedbugs]

A Stream within a Stream

Here's a piece I wrote on spec that was never published back in 2018. Much of it remains true -- update for Lil Nas X -- though some of it is a bit dated now. Had I been asked to move forward I would have done more actual research into a few of the wannabes and done a copyedit and factcheck -- inaccuracy/undeveloped ideas warning!

STREAM WITHIN A STREAM Spotify’s Quiet Pop Laboratory Right now the song I’ve listened to the most frequently on Spotify in 2018 is, appropriately enough, “Obsessed,” by Maggie Lindemann. It seems to adhere faithfully to what I’ve come to think of as the Spotify house sound -- vaguely Scandinavian, with tropical house flourishes (if you’re hearing someone’s pitch-shifted voice spouting gibberish where the chorus would normally go, you might be listening to trop-house). I still chuckle at the cheesy one-liners directed to a self-obsessed hunk: “I feel your chest but I can’t find your heart!” For the most part, I’ve stopped asking where the hell these things come from. In this case, I was listening to my previous Spotify favorite, Neiked and Dyo’s “Sexual,” when Lindemann started autoplaying from the Recommended Songs at the bottom of my self-curated playlist. I clicked through to discover that, amazingly, Lindemann’s biggest song on Spotify -- a trop-house remix of one of her more confessional-leaning songs -- has 350 million streams, about double the number of “Swish Swish,” the latest single by Katy Perry. “Obsessed,” the ostensible follow-up, only had a little over 10 million at the time. Why the disparity? And where did Maggie Lindemann even come from? Why is it that once I started letting Spotify dictate the shape of my pop playlists, I seemed to be listening to so much music in some alternate universe that was uncannily close to pop radio, but never quite connecting with it? I started compiling a new playlist, my Stream within a Stream, for those acts that just kept popping up, at first serendipitously but then predictively based on my listening habits, whom I’d never heard and had never even heard of before Spotify surfing: LEON, Sigrid, Glades, Lauv, Nina Nesbitt, Julie Bergan, Maty Noyes. They sure seem famous -- many of their hit songs have a hundred million or more streams. And yet, there’s a sense that they’re eternally outside of the zeitgeist, hovering near a broader breakthrough. In the 2013 Coen Brothers film Inside Llewyn Davis, Oscar Isaac, playing a schlubby would-be Bob Dylan, seems practically destined to fail. A glimpse of the frizzy-haired silhouette of Robert Zimmerman in the closing moments all but confirms it -- Davis, Isaac’s character, was no Dylan. But Dylan’s ensuing shadow of stardom may be the very thing that leads us to discount the idea that, but for the grace of God, or the whims of an audience, there could have gone Davis instead. That idea, that the right audience, the right whim, can make or break a song, was the gist of Duncan Watts’s mid-00’s experiments in cumulative advantage, a phenomenon in which something’s existing popularity helps it to garner more popularity. The fact that the thing -- a song, a restaurant, a baby name -- was already popular gives it an added advantage to some other thing that wasn’t popular yet. The rich get richer -- cumulative advantage is an inequality framework for an attention economy. This finding of Watts’s study, that the popular stuff tends to get more popular, was reported as confirming a commonsense understanding: we listen to what people in our social networks listen to, and the things that are already popular in those networks will then, through seemingly incontrovertible social dynamics, get even more popular, sometimes forming what’s called a “cascade” of popularity, where the popularity increases exponentially as it breaks through to more and more people. “Viral” is just a catchy word for a popularity cascade. Cascades help to explain why new hit artists can seem to come out of nowhere. The mechanisms through which they cascade -- those early sharing networks -- sometimes remain elusive to newcomers. I could have predicted from my vantage as a high school teacher in North Philadelphia that Cardi B was creating a stir and might very well be a big deal, given the right support and right opportunities. But until “Bodak Yellow” dethroned Taylor Swift to make Cardi B the first #1 female rapper to top the charts solo since Lauryn Hill, she probably wasn’t on the radar of many of the kinds of people who, for instance, would help “Bodak Yellow” eventually win the Pazz and Jop critics poll. The song cascaded, stormed the charts, and the rest is pop history. The only problem with this story so far is that it isn’t the whole story; and what’s more, it’s not even really the most interesting part of the story. One of Watts’s key insights was that, far from being explanatory (per the formulation “this is only popular because a bunch of other people were listening to it,” say), cumulative advantage is a fundamentally unpredictable phenomenon. What makes one thing cascade or go viral and another thing languish cannot be attributed to any one factor in advance; every story is different, and in some other counter-factual universe, things may not have happened the same way. To prove this, Watts and his colleagues set up an experimental music laboratory online, where thousands of participants used a music website called Music Lab to download new music from a batch of songs selected by the researchers. Behind the scenes, there were actually several separate and distinct versions of the website in which the same songs were offered to different experimental groups. In some groups, you just downloaded, listened, and moved on. But in other groups, you could see which songs other people had already downloaded. In the groups where downloads were visible, one particular song always managed to rise to the top -- and not always just by a little, sometimes by a huge margin. That is, one song benefited from cumulative advantage and then cascaded, towering over the others. By contrast, the groups in which you could not view other people’s downloads had no clear winners. Nothing cascaded. But here’s the counter-intuitive part: not every universe crowned the same songs as #1. In different experimental universes, different songs hit #1, and the variability between where those #1’s fell in other universes was stark. If we imagined lots of parallel versions of our own pop charts, we might think about Cardi B reaching #1 in our universe, but in another one maybe she’d hit #6, or #19. It’s likely she would have landed somewhere on the charts, because she had a network of support to begin with -- even if I’d never heard another song playing in my classroom past her 2016 single “Foreva.” And there’s probably a story that explains “Foreva,” too -- but only retroactively. In Watts’s experiment, although well-produced songs did well across the board, and poorly-produced songs (ones chosen specifically to be unlistenable) did poorly, nothing consistently explained why in one universe Song X was far and away #1 while in the universe next door, consisting of people from the same general pool of subjects, Song Y was far and away #1, and next door to that it was Song Z, and so on. Every story was different. Now, about a decade later, Spotify hasn’t gone so far as to replicate the Music Lab, at least not to my knowledge -- that would require creating literal parallel streams, where everyone’s platform looked a little different based on an experimental design. But Spotify is at the very least quietly running their own A&R experiment that gives us a glimpse of cumulative advantage in action with a bit more clarity than, say, the machinations of the pop charts dictated by radio play. Spotify’s savvy algorithms, opaque major label connections, and newfound kingmaker role in the pop charts have all been well documented. There are handshake deals; in some cases (Spotify’s “sponsored tracks”), there is de facto payola. But even with its obvious and not-so-obvious machinations, Spotify has still set up a fascinating illustration of cumulative advantage within its playlists. To speak to the “I like what my friends like” aspect of cumulative advantage, Spotify uses various forms of text, audio, and social tracking to suggest new favorites to you in playlists like an individual user’s Daily Mix. Anyone with a toddler can feel the whiplash of purely algorithmic playlist creation whenever Thomas the Tank Engine crashes into Waxahatchee. As far as the human-curated playlists go, Liz Pelly has documented the ways in which major-label-owned playlist curation has mixed with Spotify’s own editor-curated playlists, chosen by a cabal of human recommenders. Some songs that get big on Spotify can start to make waves outside of the streaming service’s ecosystem, as the successes of artists like Neiked, the Norwegian producer whose “Sexual,” with singer Dyo, has been shared by Taylor Swift and repurposed by Maroon 5. But what about that other finding, that there is an essentially unpredictable element to what determines a song’s popularity? Does it still hold when there is seemingly a whole musical ecosystem that those editors and algorithms control? Looking more closely at some of those human-curated and algorithmically-enhanced playlists provides a clue. Spotify is a complex environment where primed pumps don’t always strike oil. Though Spotify is, in all likelihood, driven by the same seedy motivations that also drive payola (of which Spotify has its own explicit form, in its “sponsored tracks” for non-subscriber listeners), cartel-like behavior from major labels, and the general status quo of incumbent advantage, it’s still a place where new artists search for that spark that might transform their popularity from trickle to cascade. If you browse many Spotify-curated playlists -- the ones with the Spotify logo in the corner, and the ones that are suggested automatically when you use Spotify’s Browse feature -- you’ll see an expected roster of genre-appropriate selections. Sometimes these will veer into the territory of B-level celebrities, ones whose popularity may have transferred over from an underground base of Soundcloud followers (in the case of many of the selections in Rap Caviar) or from viral YouTube success with cover versions, or any number of avenues from just outside the mainstream periphery -- reality television, television and film soundtracks, artists benefiting from traditional channels of music industry hype. Maggie Lindemann, my “serendipitous” discovery, is signed to the same Warner subsidiary as Cheat Codes (the source of her Spotify virality), Young Thug, and Migos, after all. But scroll down a bit, or randomize the playlist, and you might start to discover something else. Here, sandwiched between proven pop incumbents and pop-adjacent up-and-comers, are genuinely unknown artists who are subjects in a grand experiment in audience development. In some sense, this is no different from older forms of trial and error -- a new single played once on the radio only to find its audience or flop, say. But there is something new about the sheer number of trials, all operating simultaneously across hundreds of playlists and millions of listeners, all at once. To illustrate, take a look at the Women of Pop playlist, with about 488,000 followers. Women of Pop is Spotify-branded, not curated by a random user, and it features a desaturated photo of Ariana Grande on the cover. Its first fifty tracks or so will give you what you came for: rising pop stars (it opens with Camila Cabello) and long-established acts (keep listening for P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna). Likewise, toward the end of the list we slowly travel back through time, to Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces of Me” and, finally, Macy Gray’s “I Try.” But if you pause in the middle, you’ll start to notice artists who are undoubtedly women in pop, but don’t exactly scan as the women of pop. Further down are artists who are missing even this nominal claim to fame. Mags Duval is a Nashville singer-songwriter who seems to be in the orbit of music industry bizzers but hasn’t broken through yet even by Spotify’s own play count standards: just north of a million streams on her featured track here, “Stay Lonely,” which was previously selected for a New Music Friday playlist. By contrast, Duval’s surrounding artists on the playlist, Tove Lo and Carly Rae Jepsen, have over 250 million and 80 million streams for their tracks, respectively. You see similar numbers for Brynn Elliott and Phebe Starr -- all three are artists who have so far stalled far south of ten million streams. There seems to be a lot of acts like this, tucked into playlists with some modest support from Spotify in their initial selection process -- selection for a New Music Friday, say, or the quirk of a human curator for benign or shady reasons (I’ll leave it to others to expose the handshake deals). From the Pop IRL playlist there are several acts with only one minor song to their name on Spotify. There’s Malia Civetz’s “Champagne Clouds,” a modest success so far at 3 million streams that got a traditional boost when Ryan Seacrest featured it on KIIS FM late last year. But there’s also recent Interscope/UMG signee Kassi Ashton’s “California, Mississippi” (172,000) and Australian X Factor contestant Ivy Adara’s “Famous” (637,000). From the undergrad-pandering Study Break playlist, there’s Adam Sample’s “Weekend” (1.3 million). From the indie-enough-for-Apple playlist Informal Is Now Normal, there’s Meese (165,000) and Darling Parade (603,000). It seems like the fewer followers a playlist has, the further under the radar the trial balloons go. Then there’s a sturdier second tier, where artists have one hit in the tens of millions of listens and a bit of activity in their next-most-popular tracks. Once an artist has this kind of success, they are primed to be detected by Spotify’s other algorithms, which for the most part facilitate the natural process of cumulative advantage. Your friends start seeing it in their playlists, and their friends see it in a (sligh3tly different, but still broadly similar) playlist. From there, many artists seem to stall out, becoming what could for all intents and purposes be called “Spotify famous.” A select few songs might continue to break through to new networks, new audiences, and maybe go to #1 somewhere other than a streaming platform, which, after all, is only one component, if a big one, of how people hear new music. Speculating on what happened after that cascade is what most journalists and music writers do -- and there are lots of post hoc justifications for why one act or another finally “made it.” But who will speak for the Llewyn Davises and the Mags Duvals? Hiding in plain sight is a whole pop universe that is tantalizingly close to blowing up, breaking through the boundaries, cascading to posterity. It hovers around that spark, waiting for the final piece to fall into place. But it’s just not meant to be -- not in our universe, anyway.

[joemuggs]

Boiler Room, Carnival, Clickbait: my 2p worth

I don’t know a great deal about the funding and politics of Notting Hill Carnival.

I do, however, know a bit about Boiler Room, a bit about arts funding generally, and quite a lot about the mechanics of notoriety.

And I do know that that Medium post that’s doing the rounds is at best unadulterated clickbait, at worst deliberate misinformation.

Something that’s very important to remember here is that there are certain media brands which which will guarantee you getting loads of attention if you criticise them. The BBC is the big one, of course: from the Daily Mail to The Canary, a “BBC bias” story is guaranteed rage-clicks. A guy at the Canary even publicly admitted that pieces criticising the BBC are their number one traffic driver. Spotify is another: there are “music biz websites” that I swear owe their existence to speculative stories about Spotify’s royalty payments and inner workings (even though, and this is crucial, the real ripoffs are happening elsewhere online: hello YouTube/Google). And anyone in club music knows that a post laying into Boiler Room is guaranteed “big numbers”.

None of this is to say that what’s happening with BR, carnival and funding is right. It might not be, but there is no way from the statements put out so far that we can tell if it’s a retrograde step. Nobody knows who else applied for Arts Council money, and it’s not clear yet how involved Carnival’s organisers are with the BR bid. Where that money goes in practical terms WE DON’T KNOW. Most of all, though, the idea that it’s somehow tied into police surveillance is just laughable. The world’s media attention has been on Carnival for years, there are cameras everywhere, every year. The BBC has been running, and filming, areas of Carnival for years. Anyone looking at that bit of the post and nodding sagely needs to have a word with themselves.

Altogether, this is a very very complicated situation. I know everyone wants to have an opinion, and it’s easiest to have an opinion that is strongly pro or strongly anti something, but ultimately in a situation like this, that’s massively unhelpful. Here are a few things that make it complicated:

I’ve worked at Boiler Room. Like most workplaces I had some serious issues with aspects of the work culture there, and I loved other aspects of it. As a comparison, I’d put it somewhere squarely in the middle of music business and culture media organisations, and way, way above 95% of “creative agencies”. Certainly, it’s way, way better than working at Vice, which it too often gets compared to.

Boiler Room is a commercial company, and relies on brand money from its bigger events to keep it going. It also re-invests that brand money in small events and nurturing young talent.

It’s the most diverse company I’ve ever worked at, and staffed by subculture / music culture obsessives, from interns to the CEO. Almost everyone working there goes to Carnival every year, whether for work or play. The connection with Carnival is intimate and personal, as well as cultural and commercial.

Boiler Room is well wired into the music and culture industry. It’s done big events with places like the Barbican and V&A, therefore it knows the world of the Arts Council inside out, employs people who can speak the language of the arts world, understand the wrinkles of funding application etc. That puts it in an advantageous – unfairly advantageous, if you like – position when it comes to persuading the Arts Council how to spend money.

The BR and Arts Council England statements so far say that Boiler Room has worked with organisations intimately connected with Carnival in putting its proposal together. They also say that the money will be spent on nurturing talent, working with the community, raising further funds (by involving brands like Guinness) to keep Carnival running sustainably year-to-year. How much of that is true, and what it all means in practice WE HAVE NO IDEA. We literally do not know. But neither does matey who decided he was going to generate himself a bit of fuss by banging out a Medium post saying “this is bad, Boiler Room is bad, and oh yeah by the way it’s helping the police”.

I know lots of people who dislike Boiler Room and will not work with it, for better and worse reasons. Some are purely aesthetic, some are moral, some are political, some think it disrupts or destroys the dynamic of DJ culture and club music as they understand it, some hate the overwhelmingly white, male culture of techno/house DJs and fans that dominates at the commercial end of what BR does, some think BR hasn’t done enough to counter misogyny/racism/transphobia/homophobia etc within its wider culture, some hate branding, some object to whether and how people are paid for content, and on it goes. There are a lot of different conversations happening around these issues, and every day I watch people I respect massively on all sides of these discussions having it out and furthering understanding of vital questions for anyone who cares about this music.

Boiler Room has plenty of issues. Maybe very serious or unforgivable ones depending on your perspective. And there are massive, MASSIVE issues with how the Arts Council decides to distribute money. But this is the crucial point: in my reasonably extensive experience, it is no worse than the rest of the music and media industry, and on many fronts is significantly better than a lot of equally high-profile entities. But like the BBC, like Spotify, it has a visibility problem, a thing where saying “IT IS BAD” has become so intrinsically viral, it has become almost a subculture in itself and becomes a self-reinforcing practice: people have heard generalised “it is bad” murmurings so far, that when someone says “it is bad” they nod to themselves and go “ah yes, I’ve heard that is true, there must be something in it.” What’s the old saying? “A clickbait generalisation can travel halfway around the world before nuance can get its boots on”? Something like that. Anyway, as a wise man once said…

[missconduct]

As Strong as Darth Vader

<p>“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” (Yoda, 1980, The Empire Strikes Back). I usually don’t begin an essay with a quote but in this case I feel it’s important. My theory here is just a theory based on how I’ve viewed this story for 35 years. If you don’t agree it’s ok take it with a grain of salt, my friends in Star Wars fandom, because it’s not canon lol this is all in my head. I’m speculating how the story could go, and that’s part of the fun in this saga is speculation.<br>

  The first time I heard they were making a new trilogy I cringed as a lot of people did fearing the worst for a story I love so much. I didn’t read spoilers, or cruise YouTube looking for theory videos. I barely watched the trailer. In fact all I saw of the trailer was a few glimpses of Finn wielding the blue saber (only because I was already a huge fan of John’s because of his character in Attack the Block). I stepped into this new world not knowing anything. I didn’t even know who Adam Driver was. I didn’t even know there was a girl protagonist in the movie. My canvas of TFA was blank.

  As I watched the movie quite a few things caught me by surprise. I’ll quickly list them; Kylo as a villain, the interactions between Rey and Kylo (that’s a huge ass one), where the hell is Luke? The symbolism in the story as a whole, and my deepest one is Kylo’s obsession with his grandfather. As I watched the movie these things caught my attention because the rest of the story is (and I saw it admittedly) a re-play of the original trilogy (which I think was a strategy to play on the nostalgia of the original). It intrigued me intensely though because there were all these twists in it that were obviously not a copy cat of the original trilogy.

  As I sat in the theater watching it for the first time the scene when Kylo is speaking to Darth Vader’s helmet began. I watched this clearly conflicted, confused, lost villain pleading with a dead man’s helmet to, “show him again, the power of the darkness.” I literally said in a whisper under my breath, “this doesn’t make any sense to me??? Vader’s greatest moment of triumph, his greatest strength was his ability to turn back to the light side. He chose to be good again, to do the right thing, to save his son, his family, from the darkness. Why would this mask show him anything dark???” I didn’t like it at first. The scene made me feel so sad. It was as if Vader’s sacrifice meant nothing at the end of ROTJ. Like his greatest moment was forgotten in this new world.

   Then I saw this girl who I viewed as confused and lost as much as the villain was. Trying to come to grips with where her life was going. Should she stay and wait for her family? Should she finally accept whatever the truth was and move on? Then she hears a call. I thought it was interesting that the call was a little girls cries, almost as if her own loneliness were calling to her. She touches this long lost relic that once belonged to Anakin Skywalker, and her life takes a turn that is going to forever change her destiny.

  I’ve watched Rey’s force vision way too many times to count and the 2 things that are consistent in them that stood out to me were 1: Kylo Ren, and 2: various voices from the past echoing through the force. Now a lot of people think that these past voices are the individuals speaking directly to her, but I didn’t see it like that. Even though Obi-Wan says her name, it’s more like the force is speaking to her through the echo of past force users. This is important because I’ll bring it up again later.

  Through my journey with Rey, I saw her frightened and alone after the vision. I know Maz is trying to help her, but it might freak me out if someone had just made me come to the realization that my deepest fear was true. That I had to accept the people who were supposed to care about me and come back for me were never coming back. She’s afraid, she’s alone (Finn just abandoned her also. He’s leaving her to go to the outer rim territory.) She runs, and who does she run right into? Our strange lost Villain. At this point, I was really wanting to know who and what was under that mask. Remember spoiler free, didn’t even know who Adam Driver was.

  Then he sweeps her away “Bridal carry” style onto his ship, abducting her! That had me on the edge is my seat because that whole scene had me trying to figure out where this was going. Was he a man under that mask ? Or a monster? Was this an endgame romance or a creepy stalker crush?

  Then I witnessed the “interrogation scene.” This is the most important scene in the movie for me, and not for the reasons you might think. Yes, my jaw dropped and (despite my very good looking husband sitting right next to me ) I almost wet my pants when Kylo took off his mask. I turned to my daughter and whispered in an awestruck voice, “I think he’s the leading man. How about you?” My 13-year-old daughter’s reply, “omg mom, damn” and we laughed. Yes, there is a lot of incredibly hot, passionate, sexually charged shit going down in that scene! That’s not why it’s the most important scene for me. As I watched, this girl rise to the occasion and step up onto the equal ground with this boy, she said those famous words that helped me piece my headcanon puzzle together, “you, you’re afraid, that you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader!”

  Now a lot of people don’t pay much attention to this line. They simply think it’s just her calling him out on being a Darth Vader fanboy. Maybe the writers were going that direction, but I don’t think so. When I first heard that line I whispered under my breath “oooooooo that was deep.” And in my head it made sense. That was a huge foreshadowing of Ben solos redemption, and the part this girl is going to play in it. This part of the movie is what drew me deep into the story.

  So I went back and saw the film 5 more times after that, in the theater. Then immediately pre- ordered my iTunes copy to be available for download as soon as it was available. I watched, and watched, and watched it again, and again. I could even watch it again today lol. It wasn’t enough. I kept wanting to know more. I started cruising and just looking through fan bases, but it looked like the things I wanted to talk about weren’t subjects that were well received, so I didn’t venture into joining or posting in any fan sites. Then I started cruising YouTube and came across this channel called Star Wars Connection and found a video titled, “Visual Storytelling in The Force Awakens.” Omg, these ladies understood me !!!! They understood everything I understood in the movie!!! And listening to them helped me develop my theory about Kylo’s redemption and the connection between Rey and Kylo-Ben.

  During the second part of this outstanding podcast, they briefly talked about Luke’s journey into the cave on Dagobah. In that scene, Luke is confronted by Vader when he cuts his head off, and the helmet explodes revealing Luke’s own face within the mask. It got me thinking about Luke’s greatest fear and how it related to Kylo. They are similar but different. Luke’s greatest fear was falling to the Dark side and becoming just like his father. Kylo’s greatest fear is the (I hope this is the correct term) subverted version of Luke’s, that he will never be as Strong as Darth Vader, that he will never be like him. Is it possible that part of what went down between Luke and Kylo has something to do with this fact? This is all speculation but it got me thinking that if there are similarities between Anakin and Kylo, then wouldn’t there be similarities between Luke and Kylo also? When Luke sees his face in the mask it scares him. Kylo wants to see his face in the mask.

  While thinking about Luke and Kylo it leads me to Rey. These three individuals are key to what this story really is about. It’s not about who Rey’s parents are or aren’t that is irrelevant. I’m sorry to all those anti-Reylo’s out there who are gunning for her to be a Skywalker or Solo but in my headcanon, she’s not. Her part in this story in my mind is clear. It was a passionately romantic love that started all this, and it will be a passionately romantic love that will end all of this. 

   Rey and Kylo have collided. I have seen a lot of speculation about whether or not they knew each other prior to their meeting on Takodana. Through all the speculation I’ve seen the only one that makes sense to me is that they have seen each other in dreams and visions. In the novelization, it even says that Rey knows this man from a dream or a nightmare. I believe she has had dreams of him her whole life. Which is why I think he smiles when he sees her image of an island. Anakin had dreams of people and future events, why can’t Rey. I believe Kylo has had dreams of her as well. In my headcanon dreams and visions are two different entities. A dream coming to you in your sleeping state, a vision coming to you through a waking moment through something else. Rey has visions of Kylo when she touches Anakin’s lightsaber in the castle. Is it possible that Kylo has had a similar vision of Rey? Someone speculated that maybe Kylo had Obi-Wan’s lightsaber somehow. (Thank you Rebel Scum Podcast for twisting my idea lol to present it as yours, but you got it all wrong) Kylo doesn’t need anyone’s light saber to have a vision of Rey. He has Anakin’s mask. Part of my speculation is that Vader/Anakin’s mask is Kylo’s transmitter for his force vision.

  Now I know a lot of people probably think of Vader’s mask as a Completely Dark side relic. I’m sorry though I don’t see it that way. Remember I told you that the first time I saw the movie while watching this scene I kept thinking that the mask was more a representation and symbol of Vader’s greatest strength and triumph. Think about Vader’s last moments while wearing the mask. The moment Luke told him he could feel the conflict in him, and he knew there was still good in him. His sadness feeling torn, watching the emperor torture his son, Padme’s son! almost to death. The pain he must have felt being torn apart between the dark and the light at that moment. Vader chucking the old guy over the railing into the abyss to save his family, to do the impossible, something that Yoda said couldn’t be done. He came back to the light. Even the walk with Luke carrying him to the shuttle. Still trying to save his father. Removing his mask peeling it off of his face so he could look at his son one last time with his own eyes. That mask in my opinion saw a lifetime of light before Vader/ Anakin passed away and became one with the force again. I view that mask as potentially being a grey instrument of the force. If the mask has given him visions both light and dark it would make sense that he would ask it to show him again the power of the darkness. A lot of people think that individual characters from the past are directly speaking to both characters, as I pointed out earlier. Could Kylo think that Vader speaks to him through the mask. Is it possible that this is just purely THE FORCE itself using voices of powerful Jedi of the past? The force is just using these voices as an echo to bring these two very powerful force, sensitive individuals, together. Why would the force will this?

  I try to clear my mind and recognize what Yoda says over and over numerous times in the saga. It is this entity that binds everything together. It has a will all its own. It calls those bound to it, it is a force sensitive beings choice if they will answer the call. If they will choose the light path or the dark. Perhaps there is a medium ground.

   No matter which religion it is there are light and dark sides to it. Without one the other cannot exist. In my theory the force is trying to bind Rey and Ben together, and yes I do believe it is trying to bind them together using a romantic passionate love. The evidence of this is clear in TFA. Kylo is already addicted to her presence. He can’t just hand her over to Stormtroopers like he did Poe, he has to carry her. He’s not trying to intimidate or frighten her. He takes off his mask for her. He speaks softly and calmly. I’m sorry but when I was growing up if my brother was interrogating me for any reason (Like where I hid the remote to keep him from changing the channel.) he was never nice, never calm, and it usually ended with blows aiming for the head or the gut, and furniture flying across the room, and the last person we wanted around was the other one. Kylo is not her brother or cousin. Sorry folks it’s not in the story. He wants her in his life! He pretty much begs her to let him teach her, he needs her in his life. Which is a big reason Otze’s essay about force bonds is now my favorite Star Wars Reylo essay. If they are related, I will still love it, because it’s Star Wars.The story can still be explored through different characters in a future trilogy, but I will be reading and writing tons of Reylo fan fiction to get over it lol!

  While I believe that Kylo will be redeemed through this love he has for Rey I do not know how it will end for him in my head. I do not think it’s going to end well for him. I see them both being bound together through the force and I think it’s very foretelling that each one has a connection to a relic that once belonged to Anakin Skywalker. The lightsaber was Anakin’s. He was the first to wield it. The mask also belonged to Anakin. Anakin is still being chosen by the force to achieve balance. Using relics of both sides of his life To bring these 2 people who share this connection in the force together. I think this could foreshadow one of them (probably Ben) making a self-sacrifice to save the other. I really don’t want that to happen though, I want Kylo to survive. Maybe going on a journey of penance, wandering the galaxy trying to help others to pay for his past. IDK if that will happen either but I’d love that, and it could spark an animated series. (lol)

  I believe it’s possible. As many have said in fandom his character still has a lot of growing up to do. I’m so on the edge of my seat to watch that unfold. I want to know if in the end, he will fulfill his ambition and his destiny and truly become “As Strong as Darth Vader!”

 I went on for a long while now and I hope my day dream about this awesome passionate story made people think, maybe even daydream a bit themselves. I’m sure I’m probably completely wrong about this whole headcanon of mine lol (@Scavengershoard ) Like Rachel and Kirsty are always saying though it’s always fun to speculate. Have a great rest of your weekend everyone and thanks for reading

Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you think(Please be kind though, do unto others right!) ❤️⭐️

[actual-talking-trashcant]

all the weather and coffee asks. pls.

Your wish is my command.

Sunshine: Who do you go to if you need emotional support? My mom usually

Dusk: Favourite pastry? I really like the bread rolls at this restaurant called Knights

Clouds: How many languages do you speak? I get by with english 

Rain: What are you most afraid of? Abandonment, the dark and what is in it, grates

Sunshower: What accomplishment are you most proud of? My first thoughts are school related but I'm proud of growing as a person even though I have a ridiculously long way to go

Sunset: Someone you miss? Many.

Light Mist: What is your favourite article of clothing? My sweatshirt that I’m wearing and I am really getting attached to this hat

Rainbow: Favourite flower? I don’t really have any favorite but there are a lot of coneflowers in my front yard and they're nice

Fog: Romantic status? Pretty damn single

Drizzle: Favourite childhood pastime? Playing Monopoly with my cousins

Sunrise: Your goal for the future? (Or one of them) Learn how to skateboard

Moonbow: What’s holding you back? Myself 

Dawn: Old and abandoned or modern and bustling? I think modern, though i crave to explore the old and abandoned 

Twilight: Favourite science? I do like physics but I suck at it but I love marine biology 

Clear Skies: Are you happy with where you are in life right now? I’m doing ok

Vanilla Chai Latte : Are you in love? Not to my knowledgeFlat White : Coffee or Tea? TeaCappuccino : What’s your middle name? Jane Mocha : Dream Job? A turtle caretaker Pumpkin Spice : Dream car? I am partial to teslasJasmine Tea : If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? No ideaOld English : You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you? I wouldn’t want to get anyone stuck with meIced Chocolate : Do you have a crush on someone? kinda, but my weird like please hang out with me you're so cool thingCaramel Frappe : Favorite video game? hmmm i really liked the Legend of Zelda game we had on the Wii but it brokeIced Lemon Tea : Favorite song/band? right now i would say i dont really have a favorite band but I'm a tad obsessed with Young and MenaceIced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days? stay insideHot Chocolate : Are you an affectionate person? very much soCaramel Macchiato : You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take? my momGreen Tea : How tall are you? not very (5′4-5′5ish)Early Grey Tea : The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action? go to my grandmas house in michiganMint Tea : How do you relax? not easily but usually with youtube or musicVanilla Latte : Board games or drinking games? I don’t drink plus i like board gamesIced Coffee : Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book? yes but its had to pick a favorite, i need to get back into itItalian Soda : Describe your dream date. Maybe going to see or movie or just watching something at home and talking about it afterwards then just hanging out together playing a game or talking or just being togetherSparkling Water : Describe what qualities you look for in a person. intelligence, friendliness, Orange Juice : Have you ever had a valentine? yeah but it wasn't a big dealRose Hip Tea : Describe your first kiss. 3:33. I was comfortable and with friends Herbal Tea : You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy? my mom really likes lemon grass and I'm not a huge candle person because my room is rarely neat

[billgsoto]

Higher levels of pyrethroid exposure linked to coronary heart disease

Photo credit: Helge V. Keitel

A new study from China examining the impact of pyrethroids on human health found that individuals with coronary heart disease had higher levels of pyrethroid metabolites in their urine.  The researchers looked at 72 patients with coronary heart disease and compared the level of pyrethroid metabolites in their urine to that in a control group of 136 healthy subjects. Researchers found clear evidence that average metabolite levels were higher in patients with coronary heart disease, revealing a “possible positive association between pyrethroids exposure and the risk of coronary heart disease,” according to the authors. While several studies have suggested that pyrethroids can affect the cardiovascular system, this is the first human study examining pyrethroid exposure as a risk for coronary heart disease.

from Blog – The Organic Center http://ift.tt/2saFnq0

from Grow your own http://ift.tt/2tbH5WG

[tragicbooks]

Gabourey Sidibe lost weight. Then she was criticized. It says a lot about our world.

'It's been a 30-year thing of other people putting their own stuff on my body. But it's mine, so I will police it, thank you.'

<br>

In May 2016, actor Gabourey Sidibe had weight loss surgery.

As Sidibe explained to People magazine, the decision to go through with the procedure was both difficult and personal.

Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Hulu.

Now, a year after the surgery, Sidibe is opening up about the reactions she's gotten for her visibly smaller size.

While you might think that losing weight would earn her nothing but praise from the thin-obsessed world we live in, it turns out people's reactions haven't been too great.

As Sidibe explained to NPR, before the surgery, people liked to tell her that she needed to lose weight. Now that she's had the surgery, people have felt compelled to warn her not to lose too much. It's literally a lose-lose.

No matter what her body looks like, she's noticed, people feel they have a right to tell her what to do with it.

As the actor explained:

"It's important because I don't happen to have the kind of body that we usually see on television and in films. I am plus-size, I have dark skin, and I am 100% beautiful, but I get a lot of flak. 'Oh, you should lose weight.' And now that I have lost weight — I lost weight for health reasons — I get, 'You look good, but don't lose too much weight because your face is starting to sink in.'"

Sidibe also noted the awkward comments she'll get from others celebrating her weight loss for the wrong reasons:

"Literally someone said, 'Congratulations, I see you lost weight. Congratulations.' And I say, 'That's a weird thing to congratulate me on because this is my body.'"

Photo by Valerie Macon/AFP/Getty Images.

Sidibe's experiences exemplify the impossible beauty standards women face and why — when it comes to weight — you really should "mind your own body."

All of us (but particularly women) are relentlessly pressured to adhere to absurd standards when it comes to appearance. These expectations are ridiculous when it comes to defining "real" beauty, of course, but they're also ridiculous when it comes to defining our health.

A person's weight, generally speaking, really doesn't tell you all that much about their health, many experts say. And even if it could, what someone else does with their body is their business and their business alone. A person's weight, in and of itself, is not something to be congratulated for.

Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP.

Every body looks differently, works differently, and serves the person who inhabits it differently. And that's important to remember if we're considering the size or shape of someone else — or ourselves.

Sidibe gets it.

"This has been my body since I was 5-ish, you know?" she told NPR. "It's been a 30-year thing of other people putting their own stuff on my body. But it's mine, so I will police it, thank you."

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