#sorry. ive got worms in my brain today

[tojad-lisi]

i think. the fact that both subz and vitalasy left lifesteal makes eclipse federation even more tragic. there's no more "maybe in another universe, maybe in different times". they're both gone.

all that's left are memories, the bad and the good ones

[todayisafridaynight]

and if i wrote a short fic or drew up a short comic about jo and ikumi meeting up again like twenty years after The Incident what would we think

[ipostwhatiwant1202]

What They Text You: Applies to any...cause they're all a bunch of dorky teens and i dont care what anyone says.

Leo:

• look at my new plant

• would you like to have tea tomorrow?

• you look so pretty 😍 leo you cant see me and? i bet you do

• am i really an old man???? 😭😭😭

• be honest, do you think raph can beat me in an arm wrestle? if you dont answer in 5 minutes, i will assume it's yes and i will prove you wrong.

• good morning honey. have a wonderful day today! ❤️

• are you still mad at me...? LEO YOU SET MY MICROWAVE ON FIRE. so is that a yes?

• have you eaten yet? you need to eat...and drink something other than (your favorite drink)

• i got benched because i can't stop throwing up. i'm fine! leo...you threw up blood literally 10 minutes ago. it was only a little 🙄

• i'm in desperate need of a kiss right now.

• check out my new katanas

• remember that i love you 🥰🥰❤️

• for the last time, i wont download tik tok. you know how bad i hyperfixate 😠

• stop playing candy crush and pay attention to me

• keep it up and you won't get the knots worked out of your shoulders.

• mikey just called me a boomer...i feel like i should be offended. you are a boomer. I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

• y/n, i love you, but for the love of god, PLEASE PICK UP YOUR SOCKS.

• *drunk* im in a relationship why do i have your name as my love cause my girl/boyfriend/partner will definitely not like that and i dont know who you are but they will kick your ass and i dont even feel sorry cause you arent love leo...you're drunk. NO IM TAKEN

• call me cause i would like to hear about your day and i miss you

• i love you my love ❤️

Raph:

• come watch me bench im bored

• can you please come get mikey before i hit him?

• wear that giant sweatshirt to our date. ya look adorable in it

• why did you ask donnie to help you with your homework?? um...cause it's about neurons and receptors in the brain. i could've helped with google! 😒

• YOU NEED TO COME KILL THIS COCKROACH RIGHT NOW.

• hey babe. how was your day? ❤️

• have i ever told you how beautiful you are? what did you do. nothing...? i just think you're beautiful. raphael. fine..i broke casey's nose. AGAIN!?!

• i'm so tired...wanna come nap with me?

• facetime me so i can show you this cool trick spike can do

• remember how i said i was going to be more level headed? well donnie's new robot almost broke my arm and it's no more. you lasted 1 day more than the last time.

• *you sent a selfie* yeahhhh that's my baby 😍😍

• eat or im fighting you.

• jokes on you ive always been completely unhinged and it's bold of you to think i cant be worse.

• im sick. can you bring me some soup? 😣

• i miss you like a lot and i hate when you're gone

• i love you a whole lot 😘

• im just gonna start carrying you everywhere if you dont stop tripping over NOTHING. im just gonna trip harder. Y/N NO.

• mikey said we're his parents just an fyi. he's always been my son

• i made waffles. you better come eat some

• damn babe you're fine 🤤

Donnie:

• no i wont do your homework for you

• tell shelldon to stop talking back to me before i ground him for eternity

• im in a house of IDIOTS. technically it's a lair. not now y/n.

• you look like a pile of swans in that sweater 🥰

• i can't sleep. wanna play online scrabble?

• sweetie you need to eat more than a bag of gummy worms and a bag of doritos

• you need to come sit with me while i work because i need an extra set of eyes. you just miss me 😏 don't start.

• don't call a plumber! i know how to fix the sink. i got this 😎 donnie the pipe exploded the last time you "had" this.

• *you sent a selfie* you look nice

• im gonna blow up. a person, a thing, a place, all of the above? yes.

• you need to drink straight broth, it'll help soothe your stomach ache

• im dying. you have a cold.

• i love you but please stop trying to assemble ikea furniture on your own.

• good luck on your exams/work project! 😘

• TELL RAPH TO STOP PICKING ME UP TO MOVE ME.

• leo just called me an asparagus. i didn't know how to respond so his phone will self destuct in 5 minutes. DONNIE.

• you're so pretty 🥺

• i made you something and you have to come get it right now. im literally about to have my wisdom teeth out. reschedule it

• listen to the playlist i made you or else im disabling your pirated tv show service

• thanks for listening to me 💜

Mikey:

• babe come snuggle with me

• i made you brownies so come eat them with me while we watch crognard

• i haven't seen you in so long 😭 you saw me this morning. BUT THAT WAS HOURS AGO

• angelcakessssss i love you

• look at this cat video i found

• FACETIME ME THERES A PUPPY

• are you awake? mikey it's 3 am. good, so would you still love me if i was a worm? go to sleep.

• i bet you look like a cuddly bear today 🥰

• im so hungry. can you bring me ice cream?

• raph wont stop being mean to me. can you beat him up? cause a (your height) tall human can beat a 6ft turtle's ass 😑 i believe in you.

• im coming over with my new call of duty game and we're having a game a thon!

• i found a cat. mikey no. his name is gerald. MIKEY WE ALREADY HAVE 10 OF THEM. HALF ARE NAMED GERALD.

• i made you a mixtape i cant wait for you to hear it

• how mad would you be if i crashed the shell razor in a derby and broke my arm? very. then i did not do that.

• im sick. come help me feel better 😭

• call me cause april just told me something about casey that's wild

• i found this cool rock that i think you'll like

• it's so cool i can date you. you're for real the coolest. you broke my coffee table again didn't you? no...maybe.

• im bringing you lunch cause my baby needs to eat!

• this song reminds me of you 💕

[b1adie]

unironically i started playing honkai seventeen days ago just for aventurine and I think I'm physically ill for this man. like gahhhh hes so silly. i have nearly 80 pulls thjat ive spent literally all my time grinding for, and I'm at 60 pity and I will literally kill someone if I lose the 50/50 .90% of gamblers quit before they hit jackpot and similarly 90% of Honkai Star Rail players quit before they win their 50/50. 90% of Honkai Star Rail players quit before they get E6 Aventurine. I need him so bad. Like I wouldn't be mad if I lost the 50/50 to like, Clara or something because I already have her from standard banner and I love her a lot, but if it were to literally anyone else I'd just start mauling people yk. I don't even know what that one kid's name is but he has blonde hair and swords and he's from the Xianzhou Luofu (not that far in the plotline, havent met him yet) but if I lose my 50/50 to that kid I might just die.

Listen I'm not his number one fan, I wouldn't daer to insinuate that I even am, I don't even want to like, fight people for that title. I just really like him and I wanted to thank you for all the Aventurine content that you've been churning out. I'm not sending this on main because I don't want to be clowned on but yeah this is. Really Unhinged. Sorry.

Also I like Dr. Ratio more honestly. I like them both equally but Aventurine isn't out yet so the only thing I'm staring at is Ratio. I have to run around as Clara (not a bad thing, I really like her!! She activates my parental instincts) because if I play as Ratio I will just stop doing whatever I'm doing and stare at him. It's been ruining my productivity.

listen to me. that blonde luofu kid has made me lose 4 times. if i see his ass a 5th time later today i’m going to start tearing the doors off people’s houses.

i didnt even realize how much aventurine stuff i was making until another ask mentioned it and i checked his tag and like half of the top posts were ALL MINE 😭 sneaky little blonde son of a bitch snuck up and took over my brain while i wasn’t paying attention. i have literally been having dreams about him. just 7 more hours now

i was actually messing with my ratio build earlier. he does ok i guess but he could be better… but i do have to admit i saw his design revealed like a year ago on reddit and i was like Oh my god?? like alright. slay i guess. and now i tell anyone who will listen that he’s a worm. what a weird guy… though i am a fan of his rubber ducky collection.

clara is who i got on the starter banner too ^_^ i wanna work on building her some more but im trying to build. every single character ever so its taking me a while to get back to her T_T

[leoxxii]

adhd b like "im only going to do the border and then continue with my day- oh"

[god-save-the-keen]

Lorelai Gilmore, the best mom in the world, prompt list!

1. "Does he/she have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!"

2. "There's plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about tomorrow."

3. "So not only did you go to a cop-raided party, but you started the raid?" *Signing* "Then she proceeds to sing, 'Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?'"

4. "I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme."

5. "Seventy-five thousand dollars? Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos."

6. "There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them."

7. "Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive. And this was a really big spider. I think it had a gun."

8. "I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing and why I was doing. But lately, things seem hazier."

9. "It's all any of us wants, to find a nice person to hang out with until we drop dead. Not a lot to ask!"

10. "If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one."

11. "As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible."

12. "My God, I hate her." "Me too." "You have no idea who I'm talking about." "Solidarity."

13. "I don't like problems. I avoid them when I can and I don't like people pointing them out to me."

14. "Everything in my life has something to do with coffee. I believe in a former life, I was coffee."

15. "When I think of blistering thirty-degree burns, I also think of my mother."

16. "976-BITE-ME."

17. "Well, we like our Internet slow, okay? We can turn it on, walk around, dance, make a sandwich. With DSL, there’s no dancing, no walking, and we’d starve. It’d be all work and no play. Have you not seen The Shining, Mom?"

18. "I need coffee in an IV."

19. "It's Friday night, we should be out partying with the homies."

20. "You are full of hate and loathing and I gotta tell you, I love it!"

21. "It's very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding."

22. "Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I’m looking for heroes."

23. "Coffee, please, and a shot of cynicism."

24. "My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5."

25. "I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken."

26. "Get back in your pajamas, go to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza, don't take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all and just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow."

27. "You have so many years of screw-ups ahead of you."

28. "I hate when I'm an idiot and don't know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy."

29. "I don't like ultimatums." "I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually."

30. "I'm the Oracle. I carry all the knowledge."

31. "Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish."

32. "I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do."

33. "You're very cruel." "Yes, it keeps me young."

34. "Sorry, I see we entered the no-humor zone."

35. "You should identify yourself when you answer the phone." "Sorry, Independence Inn. Major Disappointment speaking. Better?"

36. "Come here. You have some dirt on your forehead. I'm sorry. It's the sign of devil. My mistake."

37. "I love it when I talk and no one listens. Make me think like home."

38. "Repeat after me: I'm completely hopeless."

39. "You are drawing me into your druken world." "It's not a bad place to be, my friend."

40. "He/She's so sexy, smart, funny, and he/she likes coffee."

41. "It's from my mother." "What is it?" "It's heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me."

42. "Don't judge what you don't understand."

43. "Do you like coffee?" "Only with my oxygen."

44. "Cats came to my house today. Cause they know I'm a loser and I'm destinated to be alone."

45. "I had a dream about him/her the other night." "Really? Dirty?" "No... Absolutely not. And when you're 21 I'll tell you the real answer."

46. "I think you are acting a little immature." "I'm not acting."

47. "That Lothario there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth... And for that he must die."

48. "This is bad." "I know. I wish we had popcorn."

49. "You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprise."

50. "You are the man/woman I want to want."

51. "A mistake? A mistake? That is what you call it, a mistake?" "Well, I tried to call it 'Al', but it would only answer to 'mistake'"

52. "Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts? Don't you understand that?"

53. "It's too much food." "It's not. That's is what we been training for. This is our destiny. This is our finest hour."

54. "Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals." "Okay, you have got this so completely backwards."

55. *One phone on each ear* "Who are you talking to?" "My other two personalities."

56. "He/she kissed you and you say thank you?" "Yes!" "Well, that was very polite."

57. "Decaf." "Never."

58. "I don't think I ever really loved anyone until Name."

59. "I smell snow."

60. "Reality has absolutely no place in our world."

61. "No? No lecture about kissing a boy/girl?" "No. Why, did you do it wrong?"

62. "The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk."

63. "I'm a young, desirable woman/men." *Talking to two cats in the porch.*

64. "Really? You are gonna kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable."

65. "You threw a frying pan at Name's head without me there? I hate you."

66. "I hate my life."

67. "I have no memory of this whatsoever."

68. "She's very aggressive today." "I think the passive part of her personality is playing hooky."

69. *Reading* "Man, she/he sure used a lot of exclamations points."

70. "I love that you have my eyes and my coffee addiction, my taste in music and movies."

Used them, shared, make a request, have fun with them! ❣️

[selznick]

idk fucking know.rant ig??? not big idk

but like i ibly rlly have 1 friend that im close to and thats ive opened up to about my austism and ocd like even a bit,,,,, and like my autism is fine or whatever and sure sometimes idk how to deal with people but its fine and we joke so its cool but my ocd is like,, a legit problem for me that I dont joke about but they will,,,, like sometimes i will casually mention it around them but they will joke abt it and like kool whatever,, ocd isnt happenong rn so idc ig

but like she was telling me how she went to a hincent van gogh exhibit abt his life and depression and how she cried at the 'ear'aser in the giftshop after, , and like its a hood point,,, people like to portray him cutting off his ear as like some cutesy joke or romantic gesrure and not like a seriours mental break down and self harm,,, which like cool she cares abt mental health and uknow the seriousness of it all

except when its roght in front of her??? like i messaged her when i wanted to pour boiling water on my foot to 'clean' it and half my brain was fully on board with it and the other half was like no that will make ot worse stop,,, so i messaged her as like idk a reaching out for some sort of help or distraction from my stupif fukcing brain,,, and she was just like,, no why would you do that? and was just argueing with me,, like thats not logical,,,, and I FUCKIING KNOW THAT WHY DO U THINK THERE ISNT BOILING WATER ON MY FOOT WHILE IM TEXTING U,,, and shes just like but why would u eevn think that,, like rememeber ur precious vincent van gogh and his fucking ear and my fuxking ocd,, and shes just like,, ohhh

and i talk to her when i was worried about getting sepsis from a small cut on my toe,, and shes just like no ur fine, uve not got sepsis obvi,, and like i brought it up again cuz its the only thing my brain would think of,, and she got annoyed that i kept bringing it up and now she fuxking jokes about me being obsessed with sepsis and that i just always think i have sepsis

like sorry my brain literally cant stop worrying abt this shit,, sorry i have phantom pains from my ocd that make me worry more and continue the fucking cycle

anyway today i was like ugh im gonna have a headache after yards,, could just feel one starting before it uknow,, and shes like just drink from the water fountain,, and i tell her i cant bcuz there was like a weird bottle on it and other debris around it and my ocd cant handle that,,, and she just tells me to drink from it and that its not an issue,, and when i was like ya no my ocd rmemeber she says shed drink some from it and then i could becuz were liek made from the same stuff so same body,,, and like how can i explain in a concise way that ya u can drink it fine but u r not me with stupid brain disease that doesnt care for logical conclusions and that no we dont have the same body were not even related and the fact i was vomiting for like an entire day not too long ago so my brain has been pretty weird abt it since,, and i cant so i instead say smth like,, no were not the same body and i was sick at christmas and i would still feel ill or throw up because my brain placebo would still fuck it up

she still pushes me to just drink from the fountain cuz its not a big issue but like to me it is,, another friend had a water bottle and offered me some amd that end the conversation so thank god they were there otherwise id have to argue my own thoughts to someone,,, do you srsly think i want my actions to b this illogical,, no i want to just live and be able to carry on without brain worms controlling what i can and cant do

but like its so frustrating to have to argue logic and reason with my own brain,, i dont want to have to have the same arguement with a friend that cant seem to understand how much it affects me because im not currently screaming crying and cutting my limbs off

and it sucks becuz shes like the only person i an talk to but she just doesnt understand and doesnt seem to care

my finger has a cut on it at the moment,, similar to my toe,, and its fucking with my brain,, only thing i can rlly think of,, but i cant talk to the one person i can talk to becuz its just an annoyance to her and i should just get iver it,,, not like i can feel other pain in parts of my body that my brain is relating to it and not like i had to convince myself that my gums were a normal colour (they were) and not blue black,,,, but i cant even just b like o ya my brain thinks im dying can u distracct me cuz shes just be weird about my mental health and bring it up later as a joke

but i dont rlly joke abt my ocd,, i make some nokes abt having it but not my actual symptoms and i feel weird eevn fully talking abt it in case someone find out, doesnt take it serious and doesn something on purpose to spite/upset me,, so for her to make jokes abt my symptoms without even showsing any sympathy while im going through them just fukcing sucks,,, and like ive not daid anything bcuz idk how to breatch that topic,,,,, ummm i think u dont care abt my mental health and it makes me not want to ever talk to u abt it but at the same time ur the only person i can talk to abt it and the jokes make me super uncomfy please inhenrently knpw what my brain needs thanks,, i just,, ik shell be like sorry im not good at reading ppl so i didnt realise cuz thats what she said abt the van gogh and me boiling water foot thing ,,,, like babes u know abt my asd and ocd and im currently telling u abt my distressing thoughts,,, thats not people skills im fucking telling u im going through it like RIGHT NOW and u just do not care

ok this rant was bigger than i thought,, oop

my arm aches now and i need to frind smth to ditract me from the urge to chop ny finger off 🙃🙃🙃

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[mamonthemoon]

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt. 

[nightandstarlight]

its been so long i dont even remember how to blog apparently but i really got tired of me complaining about stuff like not tired but annoyed at myself bc i was literally always whining lmao so i kinda needed a break i guess but i really wanna try writing things down regularly again

anyway last year i made plans with a couple classmates to study together bc even tho its something that makes me extremely anxious i still want to force myself to keep trying cause for some reason lately i literally dont study unless there’s someone with me so spending all day every day alone doesnt work anymore and fortunately they offered if i wanted to study with them so i just said yes and hoped for the best 

well this week was the first time i met one of them (btw i think ive mentioned having a crush on this guy at some point i dont think i said much about him cause there isnt a lot to tell tbh were mostly around the same people and he looks cute and he almost started a physical fight with one of the firsts ‘friends’ ive had here but he still looked cute and no other incidents happened so its fine i guess lmao) and i have to say i think i love him in the most platonic way possible and also i love that he started refering to me casually as ‘amiga’ (buddy pal dude whatever equivalent that would be in english) like he started calling me that a few days after he asked me if i wanted to study with him and now he says it all the time and today when i went to his place (he came to my place once on monday and today i went to his to make it even or smth lmao ) he introduced me to his parents and his sister as his friend and btw he has a girlfriend and he talks her often so i kinda feel friendzoned in the best way possible?????? 

and like i have a lot of not so positive feelings about people who go around calling literally anyone amiga/o because to me (as a person who feels like they have probably one and a half friends if that) that the word kinda loses its meaning and becomes more of a nickname almost (also pls dont ask me what i think friendship means because ive come to realize i have no idea also now  i kinda think having a loose enough definition that allows you to feel like the world is your friend seems like a way happier experience to me, cant relate tho) like basically the fact that he refers to me as his friend doesnt really mean much but tbh i really want it to work cause besides that one almost fight in 2015 i dont think theres anything about him that makes me like uneasy and/or doubt him and his intentions if anything he lowkey knows how to help me feel more calm and welcomed and god i dont wanna sound like i think hes perfect or anything bc tbh i dont even know him that much but he really seems like a great friend material lmao i dont even think we have anything in common besides uni but tbh being around him feels so nice that i dont even mind 

wait it just occurred to me, a more simple way to describe it would like tbh i tend to feel out of place like almost all the time but so far it hasnt been like that while i was with him and even though im still me, anxious mess me hes so reassuring like vocally reassuring that i feel silly for worrying and apologizing so much but not in like ‘oh now im worrying and apologizing too much’ kinda way but more in like a ‘my brain is starting to understand that its safe and im safe and he likes me and we’re having fun while studying and making progress so worrying isnt as important rn’ so (and i hate saying this bc of its implications im sorry) i think feel pretty normal and i like it and i want to feel like that more often 

i could probably go on but this is getting ridiculous lmao after everything i just wrote all i know is that my metaphorical dick is so hard for a guy ive spent two days with how in the worm is this not going to end terribly? i dont have a clue tbh but boy i sure hope i dont fuck it up

[howellrichard]

Our Miracle Boy (a Tribute to Buddy)

Hi Dear Friends,

I’ve loved animals from the time I was little. In fact, I had more animal friends than kid friends. They just understood me better and I, them. Much to my Mom’s dismay, I was always rescuing someone. Frogs, cats, inch worms—everyone was welcome in my home. I even made little outfits for them by cutting holes in my baby clothes—another thing she wasn’t too keen on.

My beloved pets helped me through college, heart-breaks, job changes and moves. For me, life just isn’t the same without furry friends. Cut to today. We live on 17 stunning acres in beautiful Woodstock, NY—my sanctuary. When we moved here, I dreamed of rescuing lots of animals. I also dreamed of expanding our human family—but that wasn’t in the cards for us.

Living with a rare, slow-growing stage IV cancer, with no cure or proven treatment options, has had some consequences. But, the hardest one has been having to potentially choose between my life and having children.

My oncologist described it like this: “Picture your disease like a rock balancing on top of a mountain. Right now, that rock is stable, not causing you any harm. If something (like pregnancy) were to change that, your rock may start tumbling down the mountain. If that happens, there’s a chance we can catch it. We just don’t know if we can put it back on top of the mountain—where you’re safe. There are just too many unknowns, so think hard before you potentially wake the sleeping giant inside you.”

Now, I’m a risk taker but this was too big of a risk for me. And sure, there was adoption, but it’s a lot harder for a stage IV cancer patient like me to qualify as a candidate. Plus to be honest, we just weren’t up for the journey at the time.

So, my rock-solid husband and I made the tough decision not to have children. We vowed to live big, fully and out loud to squeeze the most out of the life we did have. Though our decision was right for us and even healing, it was also the only time I’ve ever felt broken. Fuck you, cancer.

Now, as I was processing all this soul-growing stuff, I decided it was the perfect time for a second dog! I was a mama to our gal, Lola, and my aching heart wanted more unconditional love and sloppy kisses. So, I started to petition my man. Though he shares my love for animals, he didn’t exactly have more fur-babies on the brain. In his mind, I traveled too much for work and life was too complicated—bad timing. “It’s not a no, it’s just not a yes right now,” he said.

Miracles come in all shapes & sizes—including big, furry hound #dogs. Our job is to notice & thank them: http://bit.ly/2nXbfcV @Kris_Carr

But, I grew up with parents who used that kind of mumbo jumbo on me, and I do not give up easily. So, my petition turned into an all-out marketing campaign for our next pooch. A week didn’t go by where I wouldn’t pitch my “top 3 reasons why our new dog would transform our lives”. Complete with infographics, pie charts and analytics.

Finally, he relented. Praise God! It felt like Christmas, my birthday and the time the Easter Bunny gave me a training bra in my basket—monumental. We celebrated our glorious decision (AKA my hard-fought win) by going on a long hike on our favorite mountain trail. Naturally, I couldn’t contain my joy, and I expressed it with each strenuous step.

Then, the miracle happened.

We rounded a corner and there he was. Our miracle boy. Our Buddy dog. He was emaciated, matted and covered in filth—we fell in love instantly. Through the kindness of strangers, a group of people helped us slowly get Buddy down the mountain. Someone offered a blanket and a nice man gave him part of his sandwich for strength. Brian took off his belt and made a collar and leash and, when that wasn’t enough, he carried him. From that moment forward, it was a collective #gobuddygo rescue effort.

As we quickly learned, Buddy was in bad shape, days away from dying. The vet informed us that he was about 50 pounds underweight and very lucky to be alive. Due to certain clues, we think he either ran away from an abusive situation or was dumped. I scoured the local papers, Facebook posts and lost pet registries, but no one was looking for him. We even went town to town looking for posters and fliers—nothing. (Thank God! We didn’t want to give him back to anyone.)

As we were trying to understand what happened, we learned that Buddy’s breed is often used for hunting and our gentle fella probably wasn’t very skilled. Sadly, it isn’t uncommon for hunters to abandon animals that don’t perform. This isn’t always the case, there are many hunters who love and care for their dogs. It’s just more of an issue with Buddy’s breed than we knew, so we couldn’t rule that out. Especially because he hated guns, thunder and raised voices. Think more Turner Classics and less NRA.

For months, we poured our hearts into helping our new boy heal. I often joked that his angels instructed him to be at that location on that very day. To look for a yammering blonde and her patient hubby. “She will know what to do. He will do whatever it takes.”

We researched the best diet, supplements and holistic remedies. We even brought in an acupuncturist (until Buddy signaled that needles weren’t his thing by trying to bite the nice man who was thankfully very understanding!).

When the weight wasn’t coming on fast enough for his recovery, we added softball-sized servings of raw ground beef to the mix. Twice weekly, this vegan would head to the butcher in a baseball hat and sunglasses. I even ran into Elizabeth Lesser there once. “Of all the places to bump into you!”. Yeah, tell me about it.

Over time, Buddy went from looking downtrodden to totally radiant. It was amazing to watch his spark come back. His matted coat became shiny and his body functions normalized. But as he was healing, his energy was introverted and cocoon-like. He didn’t like to be touched too much or handled in an unconscious way.

Once, I plopped down on the sofa he was sitting on and unintentionally startled him awake. Well, he snapped at the air like a Great White Shark leaping for a seal. Buddy’s message was clear: “Be mindful around me, especially when I’m in a vulnerable state.”

I can only imagine how scared and alone he felt while starving in the woods. Were there predators? What about all the rain and thunder? Did he think he was going to die? It was traumatic so, naturally, any sudden movement when his defenses were down wasn’t gonna fly. “Got it. Sorry, Buds.”

After a long (mindful!) winter, Buddy totally recovered, and then blossomed. His personality slowly emerged and we were delighted to meet the real, funny him. A gentle, goofy giant, who went from being frightened of touch, to moaning for ear noogies and full-body hugs.

When he wasn’t holding court and welcoming visitors as the mayor of the porch, he was on patrol, checking the perimeter. Thankfully, six of our acres are fenced and dog-friendly. It was my guess that his nightly missions made us safer (or so he believed).

And boy, could our fella move! We called him a shape-shifter. One minute, we were on one side or our football field-sized lawn, the other minute he was on the opposite—until you said the word “cookie”. Then, the woods would shake as he suddenly appeared, galloping full-speed toward his treat.

Buddy fell in love with everyone, especially butterflies and small dogs and gentle winds that brought worlds of information to his gigantic schnoz. He even loved his little sister, though it took her a while to return the feelings. I swear that boy taught me more about kindness and resilience than some of the greatest teachers on this planet.

Especially after what came next.

For a while, we thought his gait was weird due to an accident or perhaps an issue from birth. His left leg made these goofy little half-moon circles when he walked, and he often stood like a ballerina (with his back legs in second position). Odd. Hmmm… Though we didn’t think too much of it, we thought we should get it checked out. So, we took him to a specialist, and that’s when we learned that Buddy had Degenerative Myelopathy (DM), a disease that’s similar to ALS in people.

Like ALS, there’s no cure and the end isn’t easy. Paralysis would work its way through Buddy’s body until he couldn’t move or breathe and there was nothing we could do about it. Maybe he has 6 months to live, at best. Fuck you, DM!

Then, I really knew why he chose us as parents. His angels said, “That one. See her? She’s your new mom and she has a chronic disease, too. She and your new dad will know what to do and they’ll give you the best, longest life possible.”

And, that’s exactly what we did.

As Buddy’s disease progressed, he started to lose his ability to fully use his back legs. So, we bought a harness and held him up as he walked. At first, he only needed us to stabilize him but, over time, his backend got heavier and heavier. When we could no longer be his legs for him, we had Buddy fitted for a wheelie cart—which he loved and zoomed around in—often flipping it while chasing squirrels or his little sister.

When his front legs started to go, we got him a super-Cadillac cart that supported both his front and rear (Thank you, Eddie’s Wheels!). Around this time, he stopped being able to relieve himself without assistance, so we learned how to express his bladder and his bowels. To say I’d be a good proctologist is an understatement.

We didn’t think it was gross (ok, sometimes we thought it was really gross!) and neither did he. Right before each bowel expression, I’d sing “someone’s knocking on the door, let me in, let me in”. He’d dance. I’d get a poop out. Sorry, I know this is really graphic, describing how I put my gloved finger in our dog’s ass to stimulate a bowel movement, but it’s the truth. And, you thought my life was glamorous!

As the months went on, caring for Buddy became a nearly full-time job. And to be honest, sometimes it was really frustrating, especially in the snow and rain. But, it taught us lessons in patience and the values of showing up every day. I stopped traveling for work, cut back on speaking engagements and socialized less (sorry we missed your wedding Kate and Mike, and sorry to so many other friends). But as many of you with pets who are like your children know, there’s no difference between our love for them and other family members. It’s unconditional.

So, we carried on. But, we also looked for signs from Buddy. Was this the life he wanted to live? The shitty thing about DM is that animals who have it are often still fully themselves, even as their bodies are dying. Even though he was bed-bound, he still took his job as mayor of the porch very seriously. He was still full of life and love and so much personality and possibility—a gentle ambassador for rescues and disabled animals—but his body was failing and his time with us was slowly coming to an end.

I talked to him about dying, and I asked him to signal us when he was ready. I also prayed to God to help us know when it was time. We didn’t want him to suffer or be unhappy. He deserved peace.

I also asked God to let me know if we were being selfish. Were we keeping him around because we couldn’t bear to lose him? Or, were we doing what was right and giving him the best life?

I talked to our vet and he said we were doing the right thing and praised our efforts and love. I even invited our dear friend, Kathy, over for her professional opinion. Kathy is the founder of the Catskill Animal Sanctuary and I knew she’d tell me the hard truth. This tough and wonderful broad has rescued thousands of animals and she’s also had to compassionately put some of them down when they were suffering. No one knows this journey better than Kathy.

“Girrrrrl, this fella still has a lot of life in him! Keep going, he’s not ready.” Oh, what a relief! More days… More months… More precious time with our precious miracle boy…

And then, one day, he was ready.

Though we had some damn good times in those last months, Buddy’s symptoms progressed and he started letting go. I watched as he retreated back to that internal cocoon-like state. Though he still loved our attention and cuddles, his spark was fading. It was time.

On the day Buddy died, I told him that he was about to meet my grandma, grandpa and favorite cat, Crystal. That he’d see Brian’s dad and my biological father, who both loved dogs. Plus, he’d be embraced by so many other angels, too, including my Aunt Maria, who jingled when she walked and was a fabulous Flamenco dancer.

I let Buddy know that I’d follow him one day, just not right now. And until we saw each other again, he should run in fields, play like a pup, smell flowers, eat way too many cookies and cuddle with the stars.

That afternoon we made a love fort in the middle of the living room. Our vet came over and so did Buddy’s best friend, Michelle (the therapist who lovingly got into a tank with him several times a week to give him the hydrotherapy treatments that extended his life).

We held Buddy in our arms and told him how much we loved him and, right before he passed, he popped his head up and looked straight into my eyes. In that profound moment, I felt his love, gratitude and presence.

Then, he peacefully left his body.

Buddy truly was a miracle, our miracle boy. He lived a year and a half longer than the doctors expected, a year and a half more of joy, life lessons and bringing beauty to the world.

We miss him deeply but feel so blessed for the time we had together. I think our bond grew especially strong because he was so dependent on us. But, what I hope he knew is that we were dependent on him, too. He helped me heal a grieving heart. He showed me a greater capacity for love. And, he reminded me that life is very precious and all beings deserve a chance to live it.

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Little bundles of joy and big, furry hound dogs. Our job is to notice and thank them. The more we do, the more blessings we receive—they just may not always come in the exact form we intended. In the end, loving Buddy was some of the best loving I’ve ever experienced. Yet another blessing.

Thank you to everyone who cheered him on. Thank you for following our #gobuddygo posts on social media and for loving him from afar. Buddy warmed and brightened countless hearts around the world and I know many of you were deeply touched by him. Bless you.

If you’re ready to bring a pet into your life—go for it. And, send me pictures! I’d love to see your fur-children. But, please rescue. Adopt, don’t shop. And, don’t forget the old ones, the banged up ones, the misfits and the rebels—the ones who are often overlooked—they’re the angel babies who will love you the most.

We love you, sweet Buddy boy.

xo,

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