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kz-i-co · 2 years ago

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Don’t Fall In Love: Part 2

Summary: You are one of the most popular bloggers on your campus, telling enriching stories of your personal heartbreaks anonymously. But your readers are not ready to handle the newest heartbreak of finding out your best friend dating your ex.

Pairing: Lee Haechan (Donghyuk) x f!reader

Genre: college au | angst (eventual fluff x smutt)

Warnings: story may contain strong language, mentions of drugs and alcohol - sexual references - reader discretion advise.

Words: 4.6k

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Masterlist | Nct 127 Masterlist | Nct Dream Masterlist

Taglist: @lovingvoidgoatee, @lunaryoongie, @matchahyuck, @yixingtion, @mosviqu, @ohmyhuenings, @nctzennikki09

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #51 Please understand that my short hiatus was necessary as I can firmly say....I'm going through hell. And those of you still accusing me for bullshitting fake news....then shame on you - but also honored you think my creativity is this impressive, thanks I guess. I will gladly get to your questions as my DM box is officially full - also thanks again....I guess - but please let me vent on my own because this is all too real and once again....NOT okay with it. I never seen this coming. It's bad enough I had to confront my oh so famous ex on the matter and thought I was crazy to split up his new found relationship. The jerk didn't take it well since he brought up my relationship with J - his best friend. Oops did I forget to mention that? Call me slut or hypocrite - what ever floats your boat but I as well was under a lack of information and I would take it back if I could. I have more regrets than I would like to admit and people reading who are close to me will probably connect the dots eventually and my identity will soon be blown but as of right now I'm venting and this is the only place I can comfortably do it. I will get to my session on D soon but right now I'm pissed and rather not talk about it. Thanks for being here anyway. Xoxo peace :::

"(Y/N), help me hang this." Minjeong asked letting one side of the banner dangle. It's been a few days since you've found out about Donghyuck and Minjeong and you still couldn't deal with it, but at least you played nice.

"Why are we doing this?" You sounded uninterested.

"Jimin's birthday." She sounded offended.

"I know that.....she said not to make a big deal out of it." You shrugged taping the other side.

"That's the best part." She smiled once again. "You okay? You seem down lately."

"I'm just drowning in school work, exhausted." You lied.

"You need more sleep and to stop partying."

"I've only been to two this week." You made your way to the kitchen and pulled out a can of soda.

"And stripped in front of the whole fraternity." She giggled. "And can't forget trashing your ex's."

"Must we keep talking about this? I was drunk and stupid and I said I was sorry."

"Alright." She began, following you. "Actually....can I ask you for dating advice?" She said, changing the subject.

"Trouble with catfish already?" You tried not to smile.

"It's not that....and stop calling him that." She smiled sarcastically. "How long did you date Jaemin until you guys started.....you know, sleeping together."

You didn't lie that the question alone caused your stomach to sink. "Well, first of all, he was a fuck buddy so the first date technically."

"Well then, your other ex...."

You sighed avoiding her question. "Min, you just started dating this guy and you want him to fuck you already." Your eyebrows furrowed.

You can tell she was uncomfortable. "I'm just getting impatient and I thought guys in college dived right into that stuff."

"I mean you ain't wrong. College guys are horn dogs." You giggled. "But I don't know, maybe he's a gentleman."

You chuckled to yourself because you knew that was the farthest from the truth. Donghyuck was no gentleman, at least not anymore....or maybe this was somehow an act to look innocent to get girl to fall for boy faster - what an evil genius.

"So am I wrong to worry? All we've done is kiss and hold hands. I want more." She sounded defeated and you as her best friend would feel bad and want this douche to pay but this was Donghyuck we're talking about, you didn't want happiness for him. Cruel yes but maybe he deserved it.

"Break up with him." You said nonchalantly.

"Not this again (Y/N). You act like you don't like him but you met him once, can't you try a little harder."

You heard a knock on the door ending your conversation thankfully. "I hope that's not Riri, I told her to distract Jimin, we're not done." She panicked as she opened the door.

"Speak of the devil." She squealed hugging the person on the other side and of course it had to be none other than your ex himself. "You came early to help?"

"Of course." He spoke and you couldn't help but laugh to yourself in the kitchen. His tone sounding unfamiliar.

"(Y/N) be nice." She warned as she passed you in the kitchen. "I have some balloons here that need to be filled up and I still have the punch that needs to be made and oh the snacks."

You and Donghyuck both shook your head at Minjeong's pacing as she needed everything to be perfect.

"I'll stay here with the snacks." You offered, already grabbing the bowls from the cabinets.

"Okay great. I'll blow up balloons." She grabbed the bag. "Oh shit, I left the cake in the car." She panicked and made her way to the door. "Channie, can you make the punch, you do it the best."

"A-huh." He nodded feeling overwhelmed and as soon as she left he sighed.

"Channie." You mocked as soon as he made his way over. "I love you Channie....you're so cute Channie."

"Please shut up." He grabbed the bowl, not caring he basically pushed you out of the way.

"What's wrong, no love in paradise?" You teased.

He just glared at you as you continued your fun. "I'm surprised you haven't told her yet....seems unlike you."

"Like I said, you tend to ruin relationships all on your own." You shrugged pouring the chips in the bowl.

"Yep, that was all me." He said sarcastically.

"I'm surprised you haven't slept with her yet, come on Hyukie, you're better than that.....have you lost your touch?"

"How do you even know what we've done."

"Did you forget Minjeong is my best friend? She tells me things....and she is upset."

"Upset huh?" He turned towards you with a smirk. "She really wants me that bad?.....I was waiting for her to beg.....virgin's especially can't wait long enough."

"You're sick. Maybe she's just desperate."

"You let me know when you hear next door." He remarked as Minjeong opened the door cutting off your conversation.

You crumbled the rest of the chip bag and threw it aggressively in the trash.

"Cakes fine." She smiled and sensed the awkward tension. "How's the snacks coming."

"Everything is dandy." You smiled and Donghyuck nodded and continued his punch.

You grabbed the completed bowls and made your way to the living room to place on the coffee table. You really tried not to show your disturbed emotion as you turned to grab more bowls seeing the two embraced in a sweet kiss and giggling together.

It hurt....it hurt because that was you once.

"Um....can I add liquor to this?" Donghyuck was quick to pull away, wiping off his smile as he saw you grabbing another bowl close by.

"This isn't that kind of party." Minjeong giggled.

"Not a lot, just enough to take off some edge." You knew he met you but you didn't turn around to show you were listening. You were done listening.

"Half a bottle." She said and made her way to the living room blowing up balloons.

Then you finally looked back as he gave you a rueful smile and then suddenly emptying the whole bottle causing you to softly giggle. Not a party if Donghyuck isn't spiking the punch, typical.

....

"Guys, they're gonna be here any minute." Minjeong announced as the talking started to die down.

"Isn't that your ex?" Yetak spoke next to you as Donghyuck was practically hiding in the kitchen, engaged in a conversation with Mark and Renjun. You could tell he was anxious to even be in this situation that you so happened to make worse by lying to everyone.

"Nope, they just look alike." She looked at you puzzled and then back at him. "I'll explain later but for now just pretend you don't know him okay?"

"Shhhh....she's coming." Minjeong had everyone quiet and as as the door opened....

"Surprise!" Everyone cheered as soon as Jimin and Riri walked through the door. You didn't invite a lot of people to your apartment, just some close friends and of course Minjeong allowed Donghyuck to invite some of his friends and bless your soul Jeno and Jaemin decided not to come saving you a night of disaster.

"Oh wow....thank you everyone." She smiled and leaned next to Minjeong. "I said no party."

"It's not a party....it's a gathering." She smiled cutely.

"It's a party." She smiled but you could sense the anxiety in her.

"It's not even big enough to be a party.....I only invited a few people." She remarked. "We have drinks and food....just a hang out - you only turn 23 once."

She nodded looking at you for help. "If you're really concerned Channie made some special punch if you need to relax."

"Or Mark bought some drinks, since we're all adults." He spoke up and Jimin locked eyes with him and immediately looked to you causing you to shake your head.

"Some of us." You smirked trying to get rid of any suspicion.

"Oh Jimin.....I didn't introduce you yet." Minjeong dragged him closer and he couldn't help but fake a smile as Jimin was already set up to cause disaster. "Jimin this is Haechan."

"You're the catfish?" She spoke and you combed through your hair panicked.

"Catfish?" He questioned.

"Don't take it personal Hy-Haechan.....we knew Min met you online and you know it's hard to trust anyone. Most of them lie and cheat and hide who they really are."

He glared towards you but quickly pulled off a fake laugh. "You're right....there's a bunch of crazy people on those sites, lucky Minjeong didn't meet one."

"Nope I didn't." She held his arm leaning closer.

Jimin locked eyes with you again shrewdly. "Nice to meet you."

"Do you mind if I get dressed real quick, Min?" She made a beeline through to her room. "(Y/N), Riri.....help me." She signaled and you were quick to follow.

"Can you be any more suspicious." You shouted in a hushed whisper.

"What the fuck is going on? Why is he here?"

You sighed. "That's Minjeong's new boyfriend."

"Very funny." Riri laughed.

"I'm not lying, it's been him all along -the catfish."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jimin practically yelled.

"Keep your voice down. Can you see why I've been so pissy lately."

"Oh my god, she don't know? You didn't tell her?"

"How am I suppose to tell her. She liked him before I even knew who he really was. I can't do that to her."

"But you're gonna let her do this to you?" Riri spoke up.

"It's not her fault, she never met "my ex" before." You shrugged defeated.

"So what is this? Is this his way of getting back at you." Jimin asked.

"He swears he didn't know she was our friend."

"Bullshit." She shook her head.

"Well, he seemed pretty startled when he first met me."

"And you just played it off like you didn't know him?"

"What was I suppose to do Ri....say hey ummm you know this is my ex that broke my heart into a million pieces."

"Yes."

Jimin looked more angry than you. "I don't know who I should be more pissed at...you or her or him."

"Trust me I'm pissed at myself as it is." You put your hands on your hips, taking a deep breath.

"And he's not in anyway consider breaking it off with her?"

"I tried.....he doesn't care about me anymore."

"You have to tell her." Jimin said with more sympathy.

"Let her be happy with that jerk."

"I don't mean for her, for you. This is not healthy (Y/N)....not after what he put your through - is still putting you through."

"Well, it's too late.....she's already sunk in deep."

"I don't care. She deserves to know, unless you're gonna keep lying to her."

"Besides - if she knew she was doing this to you, she would be upset." Riri spoke up after Jimin.

"Okay fine, but not yet."

"Sooner is better than later, she can't fall farther than she already has."

"I know, I'll handle it. I mean.....if she still wants to date him after then it's whatever."

"Why would you do that when you're still in love with him?"

"I'm not still in love- I'm not." You could tell they didn't believe you. "I'm fine - I promise."

"Guys. Everything alright?" Minjeong opened the door and Jimin quickly changed her shirt, avoiding suspension.

"Everythings great, I love the party."

Minjeong rolled her eyes playfully. "I know I know, I just want your birthday to be special."

"It is, thank you." She gave a genuine smile as you all looted back to the rest of the apartment.

"Drinks you say?" Jimin grabbed you and headed towards the kitchen. "Nice to see you again Hyuck- oops I mean Haechan." She smirked and you couldn't help but giggle as you both grabbed some drinks off the counter.

He gave a look of annoyance. "Hmm, what did she tell you?"

"Oh nothing.....I just think that if neither of you are gonna tell Minjeong than I will." She warned causing you both to look at each other timidly.

"Go ahead, I already told (Y/N) to tell her.......I did nothing wrong here."

"That's priceless." She laughed.

"What did she tell you about us.....I'm dying to know." He leaned on the counter.

"More than enough."

"I bet my life it wasn't the truth." He said causing you to laugh causing the attention of Minjeong from across the room.

"Let's not do this here....it's Minjeongs party after all." You said and Jimin took a sip in agreement.

"Have the punch it's stronger." Donghyuck smirked before walking away.

"Still in love huh?" She asked as she walked away as well. You took a deep breath grabbing a cup of his poisoned punch.

He definitely put more than one bottle in here. And it showed after three cups, but at least you weren't the only one.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #52 I wouldn't say I'm a messy drunk but you may be fooled once you're a witness. I tried to contain my emotions, I tried to contain my actions but when your love life is this much of a mess than wouldn't you agree I deserve it - a little medicine to forget my past and apparently my present. It hurts and booze is all I have. Relax - it doesn't mean I'm turning myself into an alcoholic but every now and then I need something to ease the pain. Let's just hope I don't say anything I regret the next day. :::

"I'm so curious yeah.....sajin sok niga!!!!" You sang along drunkenly with Minjeong. "Georeo nawa wae!"

"Psst.....how long are you going to let this go on?" Mark spoke next to Donghyuck as he watched you and Minjeong sing and Dance to the music.

"You want to turn the music off?" He took a sip of his drink.

"I mean this girlfriend - ex girlfriend thing."

"(Y/N) is gonna tell her anyway, so I'll just wait it out."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I know her."

"I need a refill." Minjeong made her way to the kitchen. "I love your punch Channie.....I can't get enough."

"Oh but you will." He pulled her away as she practically collapsed into his arms.

"But it's so good." She whined.

"You can have more tomorrow." He said sweetly as he guided her to her room.

The party was pretty much cleared out by this point. "It's getting late I guess we'll head out." Renjun spoke as he stood up.

"You guys can't go yet. We're not done singing." You slurred your words. "Oof, it's hot." You started taking off your shirt.

"She has a habit of stripping when she's drunk." Jimin laughed and Donghyuck combed his fingers through his hair in annoyance as soon as he stepped out of Minjeong's room.

"I'll put her to bed, you can go." Jimin offered as Mark and Renjun approached the door.

"Thank you for inviting us, happy birthday Jimin." Mark spoke before making an exit.

"We didn't even sing happy birth-" You puked before finishing your sentence.

"You guys go, I'll meet you back." Donghyuck said to Mark and Renjun and he grabbed you gently, guiding you to the bathroom.

He leaned over the tub, turning on the shower to warm. He started unzipping your puke filled jeans helping you out of them as you just stared at him apologetic. "I'm sorry."

"Maybe I should of listened to Minjeong and only put half a bottle." He showed a slight smile.

"I'm sorry for ruining our relationship." He was caught off guard from your statement. You always accused him first for ruining the relationship but now it was the other way around. What changed with you and when did you feel this way?

"What do you mean (Y/N)." He looked at you puzzled.

"I'm sorry I was a horrible girlfriend to make you cheat." You teared and he sighed taking a moment to comprehend your confession.

"You weren't a horrible girlfriend (Y/N)."

"I bet Minjeong is better than me." You looked up at him. "Does she make you happy?"

"Let's just get you cleaned up, okay." He turned you around and unclipped your bra and guide you to the shower, closing the curtain as he faced away from you respectfully. Even though he's seen all of you before, he knew it wasn't his right anymore.

Once you were done, he handed you a towel and helped you to your room picking out some simple sweats, getting you ready for bed.

"Drink this whole glass before falling asleep." You nodded taking the water as he headed towards your door.

"Hyuck."

"Yeah?" He turned around.

"Can you stay with me?" You begged softly.

"You know I can't do that." It was his turn to look at you apologetic.

"Oh....yeah." You said quietly. "Well, thank you for taking care of me."

"Sure." He smiled softly. "Goodnight (Y/N)."

"Happy birthday to me." Jimin spoke as she got up from cleaning the puke off the floor.

"Well technically..." He pulled out his phone. "It's 1:47.....it's not your birthday anymore."

"Har har......thanks old friend." She threw the rag at him.

"Ew." He dodged.

"It's your ex's puke." She laughed. "So.....about that."

"I don't want to talk about it." He started towards the door. "She's a mess."

"Well, can you blame her?" She started making the mood more tense.

"I didn't cheat on her Jimin, I don't know what she told you but she caught something and she took it way out of proportion."

"Then why don't you explain that to her."

"I tried, she won't listen to me."

"Well, maybe she's willing to listen now." She crossed her arms.

"It's too late now.....I moved on, now it's her turn." He opened the door. "I really didn't know about Minjeong if she believes that or not but I can't lose sleep over this. I'm sorry."

"It's not just that." Jimin spoke as he took his hand off the door knob, alerting his attention back. "She's not over you, can't you see that?"

He shrugged. "What do you want me to do.....she broke up with me."

"I think the answer is pretty simple." She said softly.

"It's not my fault she didn't tell her, she's the one that lied."

"But it doesn't make it right." He sighed at her answer.

"Look, I don't owe her anything, she decided to push me out. If she chooses to tell her the truth than fine, but for now I'm going to continue on with my life and she needs to do the same."

"Alright....I get it, it's none of my business - I just care about my friends that's all. But she will know eventually and I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Have any of you considered that it's not just (Y/N) that is hurt?" He confessed before walking out the door. "Happy Birthday Jimin."

She softly smiled in return and let out a long groan as soon as she locked the door behind him.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #52 Okay so I admit....I fucked up. Pretending I didn't know my best friends new boyfriend is probably the dumbest decision I have ever made but what can I say - I panicked. I saw him and my mind went blank.....because the truth be told.....I'm not over you D - there I said it. Most of you called it anyway. Why do I even bother hiding anything. Those two damn years we have spent together was the best two damn years of my life - even if I still think it was wasted. D was the one I was so sure I wanted to marry, to eventually have kids with, to grow old with - my everything. But what changed? I know you guys are still dying to know.....but I'm just not ready. I got drunk last night and poured my heart out just to be shot down. Regrets regrets regrets - now he knows how I feel, I showed him weakness and now he's probably gloating in his victory. Probably even telling J of how much of a mess I am at this very moment. I'm in for a treat that's for sure. Well I guess that's all for now. Xoxo peace :::

"Can I talk to you for a second?" He arched his eyebrows in confusion as you were the one knocking on his door.

"I don't want to be rude (Y/N) but I'm leaving soon to meet up with Minjeong."

"I know, it will just be a second." Your tone was serious and he opened his door to let you in. Mark was nowhere to be seen, leaving you and Donghyuck alone for your disliking.

"So what's up?" He sat down on his wheelie chair, gently rocking back and fourth. You couldn't help but admire his comfy state - hair slightly a mess - slight dark circles forming under his eyes from his lack of sleep caused by late night video games and - sweats to top it all off. You missed that.

What were you doing? This is your ex you are thinking about. He wasn't yours anymore - stop staring at him like that. "(Y/N)? Are you still hungover?"

"Um- yes definitely hungover." He smirked at your stumble. "I just wanted you to know that, that wasn't me last night.....I was clearly drunk and I said some thing's I didn't mean and I'm sorry."

"You didn't say anything upsetting." He grew confused.

"Yeah but I still said some things I regret....I don't remember every little piece but I do know you helped me to bed and I just wanted to thank you."

"Sure but for you sake, let's not do it again." He leaned forward resting on his knees. "You made poor Jimin clean up your vomit on her birthday."

"I threw up?"

"All over the place.....even on yourself."

Your eyes grew wide trying to recall the events that happened. He cleaned you up? Does that mean he undressed you?

"I know what you're thinking." He stood up. "I had no intention of seeing you naked so get those dirty thoughts out of your head. I just helped you in the shower."

"How am I suppose to believe you when I was drunk."

His expression turned sour. "You should know me better than that.....and besides it's not like I haven't seen you before."

"But you don't have that right anymore." You snickered. "Who am I kidding, it wouldn't be the first time looking at other women when you're in a relationship."

He sighed clenching his teeth. "This is what I get for helping you?......Why don't you do everyone a favor and don't get wasted anymore because no one is going to help you."

"I didn't ask for you to help me."

"Why are you even here if you were just gonna harass me?"

"I just wanted to tell you to forget last night even happened."

"Forgotten." He held open the door and you walked out, you turned around thinking more words were going to be said but instead - a door slammed in your face.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #53 Transferring was becoming more and more clear as I live day to day. I am just making everything worse.....aren't I. Every time I open my mouth I find myself regretting what comes pouring out - drunk or sober. I don't know what to do by this point. My heart is like a balloon - slowly being deflated. :::

"What's wrong with you?" Jimin said as you burst through the door and collapsed on the couch.

"I hate everything."

"What happened now?"

"I went over to thank Hyuck for helping me last night but it turned into an argument like always."

"You went over to his dorm?" She asked.

"Yeah." You shrugged nonchalantly.

"Minjeong is on her way over there now, what if she saw you?"

"He said he was meeting her - never mind, I don't care.....I didn't see her it's fine."

"If you're gonna hold up this secret of yours, you need to be more careful because what if she thinks you two are hooking up behind her back, that would be worse than lying."

"That wouldn't happen." You shook your head.

"Why because you're gonna tell her the truth?" She forced.

"No because every time we're together we argue. No love connection what's-so-ever." She glared at you. "I'll tell her jeez, no worries I'm just waiting for the right time."

"There's never a good time, that's why you should just get it over with."

"I know." You sighed finally sitting up right, turning on the tv. "I've literally been rehearsing what I'm going to say."

"Just make it short and simple. Haechan is Donghyuck and you're having a hard time accepting them together."

"I'm not having a hard time-"

"Stop bullshitting (Y/N).....you can lie to yourself all you want but you're not fooling the rest of us."

You rolled your eyes but you knew she was right. "I'm just gonna go drown myself in alcohol."

"(Y/N), no more drinking." She laughed.

"Honestly I'm done talking about this right now." You snipped. "I just want to forget about him for one damn second."

"So....we ordering food, then."

"Yes please." You faked whined causing each other to laugh breaking the tension.

::: LoveAboveMyPinkClouds: blog post #53 Yep.....I should have most definitely kept my mouth shut, because I might have pissed him off worse than I thought. But I should have learned that if you mess with a snake, you're gonna get bit but I flinched and now the venom is traveling down to take me out for good this time. :::

"(Y/N) get dressed." Minjeong burst through the door being dramatically over excited.

"Why?" You groaned not wanting to get up.

"You and I are going on a double date." She said and Jimin sucked in her lips trying to not say anything.

"Huh?" You leaned up.

"Come on.......it will be fun. Dancing and dinner - hot sexy date."

"With who?" You were beyond puzzled.

"Okay so maybe I'm not really sure.....but Haechan says he has this friend that wants to hang out and he's single so...." She shrugged.

Donghyuck selecting a date for you? This can't be good. You pissed him off this morning and now he is in some way, taking revenge. Who could it be? Maybe he payed some desperate nerd to hook you up with. The thought just made your skin crawl. He was definitely up to no good.

"I'm sick."

"(Y/N) please...let's have fun." She pouted.

"Okay but the second I'm uncomfortable, I'm leaving." You'll be surprised if you last the first 5 minutes, to be honest.

.....

"Will you stop pacing, they will be here any minute."

"I thought this place was a lounge not a club."

"It is a lounge, I guess they are just packed tonight." She shrugged.

"I swear if he brings some creep to hit on me-"

"Look they're here." You glanced over seeing Donghyuck entered first and you already hated him for looking the way he did. He may be the type to wear sweats all day if he wanted to but when it came down to business, he knew how to dress nicely and you grew angry from just how attractive he is.

He glanced at you but by the way he eyed you up and down made your question what he was really thinking. He almost seemed speechless. You just hoped he wasn't thinking anything negative.

He did love me once?.....

You tried to shake off the thought of him, looking behind to see who he thought would distract you for the night on this oh so exciting double and you almost thought your eyes deceived you. What an asshole! You knew he was out for revenge and he couldn't sink any lower.

"Hey (Y/N)."

"Hey Jaemin."

>> Next Part

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scruffyssketchbook · 2 months ago

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RAMBLES OF A VERY TIRED AUTHOR CHAN #I lost track bro

Kind of random post, sorry!!! Might delete later 😋 idk

I originally said here that this wasn’t a vent post but it might be one after all oops. (I’m sorry I’m an over-sharer and this is my ramble blog.)

(Trigger Warning- grooming? Pedo behavior?)

So I think I mentioned this here before (like years before, idk), but there is this guy who has been stalking me for forever now or whatever. Like, he’s basically the reason I don’t accept friend requests from people I don’t know on Discord and made it so only friends can message me, cause this man would pretend to be other people to talk to me. Anyways, on one of his MANY alts that he uses to send messages to me, he basically admitted to grooming me in the Pedo way when I was a minor!!! Fun 🥰🥰🥰🥰 (this is sarcasm)

But like, that literally explains SO MUCH OF THE THINGS IN SSEC, LIKE WHAT????

Like obviously I am not going in detail of the things that were in SSEC cause it makes me uncomfortable, but it does explain a lot of it, and seeing how afterwards I proceeded to get groomed by 2 other people back to back to BACK, LIKE. For one thing

I definitely feel like the tonal shift in the series was due to all of these events. Of course, I’m not going to get into every bad thing that happened to me due to being a naive girl making a stupid pokemon webcomic (sadly it’s a lot lol), but like, I didn’t even realize that I was groomed by multiple people until I was in my 20’s. (I mean, I am in my 20’s right now, but you know) and I literally was not aware that stalker man was being a pedo towards me when I was a minor until he admitted to me that he was being one- RECENTLY.

I do feel like how SSEC ultimately turned out was due to all of this. For the longest time, I was just surrounded by a lot of negativity. And, I kind of just kind of have the natural inclination to help people or be kind to people, and that ultimately just caused people to see that and use me over and over and over again, causing both the tonal shift in SSEC as well as me closing myself more and more off to people, which- really sucks honestly. (And only now I realize that that is literally the same thing that happened to Vay, wtf)

Like- I want friends. Nothing Romantic, no strings attached, no weird power dynamics, just PLATONIC friends. But I’m extremely shy and awkward, and ofc, extremely closed off ^^;;; So it’s pretty hard for that to happen, I guess.

But I suppose that is why I like/obsess about Box 31 so much.

Box 31 is basically just wish fulfillment for me.

Because, like. The only thing I’ve ever really wanted, the thing I have been looking for, for years, are friends. And, the whole story of box 31 are outcasts making friends, and supporting each other, and growing together, and that makes me very very happy.

Living vicariously through my characters!!! I want them to be happy, I want them to smile, I want others to smile too!!! I don’t want to keep drawing sad things, yeah I like drama, there will be drama in Box 31, but in ssec it’s just so endless. I always wanted the characters to be happy at the end, but where is that end if there is an endless sea of issues?

Idk. I just remember me being freshly 18, crying on the ground (cringe ik) to my way older roommate that I just wanted friends, and I wonder if things would have been better if someone just took my hand and became the friend I needed at the time instead of me becoming totally isolated and the stalker using that to get closer to me.

Idk 😋 as I said, might delete later 😋 just kinda a bit cringe lmao

I just wanna keep drawing my Stupid Silly Eeveelutions~ la la laa

Oh. Speaking of that actually.

#rambles #tw vent

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ayoits-coon · 1 month ago

Text

INFO POST!!

Stats:

Cw:(f4t)

Gw: 120 lbs

Ugw: 90 lbs

MY NAME IS COON, STANDS FOR RACCOON, NOT A RACIAL SLUR.. LIKE LITERALLY LOOK AT THE EMOJI NEXT TO MY NAME BRU

BLOCK DONT REPORT

Hello loves, my name is Coon(he/him). I am a high school student (so I’m a minor; back off creeps). I am keeping my actual name a secret because I don’t want people irl finding this and knowing it is me

I am a guy who loves books, nature, music, and art. I know some songs on the guitar, I used to play the clarinet, and I am in choir. My favorite animals are raccoons (if you couldn’t have guessed from my name)

Continue reading for why i started this account + more

I made this account originally for my writing but I stopped really posting my writing so it kinda just became my vent account

In this account it will contain my mental health, mentions of my 3d, and just vents

I will post my writing every now and then, and maybe random memes but for the most part this is an 3d account

In no way am I trying to romanticize 3d or mh. This is my personal diary to talk about what I am going through

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I support everyone!!

I myself am part of the lqbtq+ so I would never ever disrespect anyone under any umbrella. I respect every race, every religion (just as long as you aren’t the type to shove it down peoples throats), everyone. From the popular to the “weird” i support you all

If anyone ever needs to talk please DM me and i will listen and be there for you. You will never go through anything alone on my blog loves

I hope this account is not triggering for anyone and if it is i am terribly sorry (please block tho don’t report). If you have made it this far thank you for taking your time to read; coon has something for you…

💐🦝

FLOWERSSSS

Okay on a real note tho loves thank you for being here, I hope you all heal from things no one knows about and I hope you all get the happy endings you deserve

If anyone wants to be mutuals just lmk 🦝☺️

Alsooooo:

Go follow my alt acc @f4m0us-ak47

Okay loves, coon out 🦝💋

#3d not sheeran #🕯️as a feather #⭐️vation goals #disordered eating mention #tw eating issues #thinspø #🕯️ as a 🪶#ed but not ed sheeran #i just want to be thin #tw ed ana #3ating d1sorder #⭐️rving #⭐️ve #starv1ng #starv3 #i need to be th1n #⭐️ ing motivation

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alaskan-wallflower · 2 months ago

Text

⋆⁺₊⋆INTRO⋆⁺₊⋆

About me!

☆ Hi! I’m Alaska! I also go by Allie or Skye :)

☆ I’m a bisexual demigirl in DEEP questioning about my gender lol

☆ EST

☆ Person with albinism (This does mean that I will sometimes make spelling errors because I cannot see my keyboard/screen well. If something is amiss please let me know, just don’t be rude.)

☆ Artist/Writer/Musician

☆ I have a lot of side blogs!

Other blogs

☾ @albinism-awareness - I take any and all questions about my albinism and am MORE than happy to help people portray character with albinism in the right way!

☾ @chaotic-creationsss - Here’s where I will most likely be talking about my AUs! Masterlist is on that blog

☾ @alaskan-aurora - Here is where I will put all my art! Outsiders stuff AND other random things I will do!

☾ @breaking-it-down - for those who are still concerned about the allegations revolving around The Outsiders Musical and Brody Grant, I compiled everything here.

Other information!

☼ Please DNI if you post NSFW

☼ I am not much of a shipper…sorry :/

☼ I hyperfixate a lot on science! Specifically anatomy, so sometimes I ramble about science and the human body!

☼ Anybody can DM me, but please keep in mind I am sixteen.

☼ This is a safe space for everybody!

☼ I take personalized anons! A few have been taken, however.

Anons:

🎞️ ♋️🩰👹🎃🎊🍀

DNI

｡𖦹° Racists, homophobes, antisemites, the works

｡𖦹° If you post NSFW/run an 18+ blog. I am a minor. Please understand that.

｡𖦹° This is a safe space for everybody! If you make this environment anything but, please just DNI.

Frequently Used Tags

𖥔 #alaska’s yapping - Used when I’m discussing my real life stuff, not pertaining to fandom

𖥔 #alaska’s bitching - Used when I’m venting (in a silly way)

𖥔 #misc - Also used for things not pertaining to fandom, however this is also used for asks not pertaining to fandom

𖥔 #alaska’s art - Pretty self explanatory.

𖥔 #alaska’s wips - Used when I post my works in progress for either writing or drawing

𖥔 #friends!! - Used when talking to my mutuals/whenever my mutuals ask a question

𖥔 #alaska’s rambling- Used when I go on my little science rambles

𖥔 #favs- usually either for art refs or things/messages i’ve gotten that i can look back on when i’m sad

𖥔 #me core 🤩- Used when I reblog relatable posts

AUS

I have a lot of AUs!

.ೃ࿔ The Wretched Masterlist

.ೃ࿔ Wings AU Masterlist

.ೃ࿔ Sizeshifter AU Masterlist

.ೃ࿔ Pokémon AU Masterlist

OUTRO

That’s pretty much it! If you ever want to DM me, or you need a friend to talk to, please feel free to reach out! Feel free to shoot me an ask too! I’m not scary, I promise! I love interacting with you guys, so please never feel afraid or intimidated by me.

I also have a Discord server! PLEASE feel free to join! (I deleted my old one, I promise I’ll be more active this time!)

Anyway, that’s it! Alaska out! ✌🏻

#intro post #self promo

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55sturn · 3 months ago

Note

okay, so, let me get this straight.

you think that because someone is mutuals with you they're automatically supposed to drop what they're doing to interact with a fic you made.

I think I know who you're talking about when you say that she doesn't interact with your fics and she doesn't "show you love" but like you only hit people up and talk to them when YOU need something, or when YOU need to vent.

and people are required to drop what they're doing in their lives to interact with your fics to make you feel good about yourself, and it shows how jaded you are about it because on that last post you made???

"this flopped so hard" It got almost 300 likes. and you're telling me it flopped?? like show some humility, be humble for once, you aren't famous and you're allowed to be upset about works not doing well but keep it to yourself damn, do you think about all the smaller creators on here that make amazing works and fics that get 0 recognition, because I don't think you do?

when i first joined this app, I considered you to be one of the more popular involved people on this app. I looked up to you and the things that you wrote. I thought "wow, this girl is cool" I don't think that anymore, I think that you believe the world revolves around you and that you're simply mad that you aren't as famous or well-loved as you want to be, so go unpack that with someone else because its embarrassing to spread that shit on here when its clearly your own unresolved issues.

and here's a tip!! if you want to be anywhere near as well-loved and appreciated as the girl we alllll know your talking about, maybe interact with people and stop holding this cold idgaf demeanor to the people that reach out and do want to get to know you, its not working for you and you're not anywhere near as famous as you need to be to pull it off

okay this is a long post so, take it as you will.

i may not express that i’m checking up on them out right all the time, because i’m just dming them about god knows what as a way of seeing how they’re doing because i know that people can sometimes shy away from being directly asked “how are you holding up?”. i know that there has been times where i have reached out to people asking for opinions or ideas out of the blue after not talking for awhile, but i never meant to make them feel like i’m only talking to them because it’s beneficial for me, and because my actions and words have done that, i am extremely sorry because that’s not what i meant to do and it makes me feel sick that that’s exactly what i’ve done, and i wish i could take it back, and i will do whatever i can to make up for it. i would get excited to have others opinions, especially those of my friends, because i hold their opinions in high regard, i figured that interacting over asks and whatnot would count as us being friends and talking, and didn’t see that me dming whoever when i needed an opinion or to vent would take away from what i viewed as us talking, but looking back, i can see how it was misconstrued and interpreted.

you guys genuinely have no clue who i am talking about because i haven’t interacted with them since i deleted my original blog, went awol from the fandom, and started my new one over a year ago and i’ve been trying to interact with them again because we started talking for a little bit over text because we were good friends but things have changed. as for who you believe it is, it’s not them. people can assume what they would like but i promise you, you’d be wrong.

i never said that people were required to interact or support their friends work, i know my wording looked that way but and i completely take full responsibility for my poor choice of explaining what i meant, i know i could’ve done so much better with that. when i get upset that someone doesn’t interact with my fic, it’s because i’m tagging them because i believe i’ve written an idea or concept that they would like, or it’s a concept i’ve seen them talk about and i want them to see that their idea has been brought to life in a way that i hope does it justice, or because they asked to be tagged, and i want them to know that i’m thinking about them and their interests, or because we’re friends i miss seeing them around because they’re off doing their own thing and i love to see it but i miss being apart of their life.

and i will agree with you on that, i got used to my fics doing extremely well and getting these insane numbers that i’ve never had before, at least not on my original blog, that when i saw my recent fics at the time not doing the same, it made me think that those works weren’t as good or well-written which led to me spiralling over my writing, because i want to put good writing out, i want to put out things people will enjoy because i love writing, it’s a hobby i’ve kept up with since i was thirteen, but because i’ve been doing it so long, i’ve grown far too critical of it, other people’s validation either help solidify that it’s a good piece or it helps me push away the idea that it’s not as bad as i think it is. i know i’m not famous, i have never claimed to be famous. i get so sensitive over my writing that i take someone not liking what i write, as them not liking me because i view my writing almost as an extension of myself, and i want people to like me because i like making friends and having a bunch of friends, it’s not because i want to be known, i don’t care about being known, i care about having friends and making those connections and bonds with people because i’ve always been someone that enjoys having a huge group of friends, it makes me feel a lot less lonely because when i’m not on social media, at home, i’m completely alone and closed off because all of my irl friends have moved away and i don’t have a good relationship with any of my family.

i don’t think the world revolves around me, i never have. it’s not about me wanting to be known or famous or well-loved for my writing, it’s about me trying to have or find that bond and connection that i’ve only once in my life before i found out what that person had been doing to me and her other friends behind our backs. the cold demeanour is me protecting myself from being hurt, because i’ve been on the internet for a long time, i’ve been hurt by people i held close to me for whatever reason because there are people who move weirdly and me being naive at a young age. i can be apprehensive towards people i don’t know because i don’t always know how to handle someone actually wanting to get to know me without me approaching them first. and i do interact with people, i haven’t checked thing i’ve been tagged in recently because i haven’t had enough of an attention span or the time to actually go through my mentions, but i do go back when i finally get the time to myself to just sit and go through all my mentions or things i’ve been sent and reply to them, on top of me not having notifications on for this app because no matter what i do, they break my dnd settings and multiple others and a lot of my notifications being broken. and the fact that my asks are a mess because there’s requests from the beginning of this blog that i was never able to write that i don’t have the heart to delete because i hope that one day i can do them justice, or asks i’ve forgotten to reply to because my life out of social media gets so hectic and insane that i can only focus on one thing at a time, but it’s on me for not going back to them.

in conclusion, i know there’s shit i need to work on, i’ve been telling myself that, and i know that i’m not portraying myself the way i want to be seen. i fully get what you’re saying now that i’ve had time to think about what you’ve said and really think about my actions as of the last couple months, and i regret that i’ve made you dislike me and my recent actions because i’ve never meant to come across as someone who is so self involved, i tend to become impulsive and say whatever when i’m upset about something, i need to work on not reacting so quickly or viciously. i promise that i do appreciate every like, note, comment, dm, reblog, everything i get, i have just never been good at expressing my gratitude, especially with growing up in a house that uses insults and damn near verbal abuse disguised as tough love to show and express gratitude, i’m working on expressing my appreciation for everything in my life, but i psyche myself out and draft everything when i write up these thank you posts because there’s not enough words to show how thankful i am that people took a liking to something i started to keep my hobby and love for writing going.

it’s something i can’t even wrap my head around sometimes, because it’s surreal and some days i think that i’m going to wake up to it all being a massive joke on me. the person i’ve been and acted like in the last couple months is not someone i’m proud of being, i became someone very centred on numbers and how much people like me, and it stems from my problems with being the oldest and never having that support or appreciation in my home life that it’s mow manifested into everything else i do. i know that i have these unresolved issues and i’ve been trying hard to fix them with the knowledge i have but i’m not a professional and i can’t fix this shit wrong with me until i get to therapy but living in a house where i’m really not allowed to leave because everyone is so dependent on me and that doesn’t believe in therapy, it’s hard, and i see how badly these things are affecting everything i do and it makes me sick to know that i’m not being the friend i started out as to so many people, because they don’t deserve that shit.

what you expressed and have said is seen and heard, and i know that really, it boils down to me being so involved in my head and my thoughts, that i block out those around me and their feelings, meaning it comes down to me being ignorant, and it really is without me meaning to, and this truly and wholeheartedly, is of no one’s fault but my own. and i know that no one else is to blame, no else has ever been to blame, i was so scared to acknowledge what i was doing wrong because it meant having to take a deeper look within myself to see where it’s all coming from and that was something i wasn’t ready to do because i was dead set on making it appear like i was unaffected and unbothered due to expressing emotions being something i’ve never been the best at, especially since i’ve grown into the habit of ignoring everything. and i want to do better, i always have, i’ve just never known where to start and not knowing what to do to start fixing something overwhelms me and i just shut down. but i’m hoping that me acknowledging my faults as a person and as a friend, whether as a current or as a past friend, is a good or relatively decent starting point, and that i can figure out where to go from here. because i hate that i’ve hurt people and have made them feel unappreciated and like they’re only a rung on the ladder in my life, because i have never viewed any of my friends that way, but i know that my actions have made it seem that way, and again that’s purely because of my own ignorance.

i take full responsibility for everything you’ve said because there is truth to a lot of what you’ve said, and i see it now that i’ve taken the time to think about how i’ve put myself out there and how i’ve acted, but i hope that it’s clear that those things were never malicious or done with full intent of hurting or using somebody. i hope that there is a way for me to undo what i’ve done. and i apologize for all of it, and i will make up for it, if given the opportunity or not.

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lindszeppelin · 11 months ago

Note

I almost feel bad for some of the Kaustin shippers. So many have done face reveals and/or use their real names/provide other identifying information about themselves.

Like, most are young and in Kaia’s peer group or younger. I was wise beyond my years when I was that age but boy did I get more polished with age. I’m beyond glad there is no internet footprints of most of my thoughts and opinions from that age! I’d say they should know better, but they don’t have the perspective to how much their thoughts on relationships will change as they experience more relationships and witness how other people’s relationships fall apart. It’s the curse of being young: you think you know more than you do. They don’t know that how you feel in your early twenties will not necessarily hold up the rest of your life. That said, I low key feel Mollie should know better. She’s in freakin’ law school and is essentially studying and analyzing consequences at the end of the day. Like…does she think law firms or clients can’t one day come across her blog, tweets, photos (whether they’re still live when she officially enters that profession or on something like screenshots or the way back machine that someone will track down her footprint…which will be fine bc she’s literally teaching her followers how to better stalk Austin via the way back machine 🙄🙄🙄🙄) will find her literal stalking and investing sooooo much time into a relationship between people she’ll never meet cute or professional or even remotely okay? Like how is she not scared that this could be a huge embarrassment and liability to be such a rabid fan who follows several people’s every move? It’s a terrible look professionally.

Like I said, I kinda feel bad bc you don’t know what you don’t know. But they also write fan fiction as they go based on tips of icebergs (largely out of context) and are thinking it’s cool to leave their identifiable information out there. I don’t think I would have done that even at 22 so I cannot wrap my head around it. Sorry- just wanted to vent about this.

Related: I hate it when they say we’re infantilizing Kaia or any young women when we point out age differences aren’t cool. No, we’re 🚨warning🚨 them based on what we’ve learned. Not every older dude is a predator- I don’t think Austin is “ preying” on Kaia. But you hit a few nails on the head some posts back talking about him being a bit lost when he met Kaia. He had just finished some intense projects and was still likely finding himself post his relationship with Vanessa. Yes, it had been 2ish years but a) it was a long ass relationship, b) he wasn’t even living in LA the entire time between relationships and didn’t go home/see his family and c) throw in a global pandemic in there so those 2 years were weird AF. I’m personally of the belief that if an older man is with a younger girl something is a bit off, even if it’s neutral (read: not a bad guy or a predator) but is in a weird place or hasn’t grown into their adult life yet and just has a bit more work to do. I personally think he should have stayed single a bit longer to grow into his adult self. I don’t judge him for going for a younger woman and I semi get it, as I also believe we mentally/emotionally revert back to the relative age we were when a relationship began (post break up). He was so young when he and V got together and was in a serious relationship in his twenties. Of course he’s going to relate to younger people for a hot moment (and that’s not taking away his intelligence or maturity in other ways…this can happen to the best of us). But yeah, he should stayed single and someone should teach Kaia that older men who wanna date young women probably aren’t the best idea for a spectrum of reasons. It’s not infantilizing- it’s a warning, it’s concern, and it’s about being literate about human psychology and behaviors regarding patterns and societal standards that we need to rethink.

Sorry this was longer than I intended. I guess I’ve been wanting to say all of this for some time so it was bottled up. Hope it didn’t come across as a hater- I don’t hate Austin (I’m side eyeing and running out of patience the longer this goes on bc I believe him to be smarter than this, but I still don’t think he’s a bad dude.) As I said, this happens to the best of us and it’s not an attack. Life is messy and dialogues about this stuff are important. And bc we’ve lived it, those young whipper snappers should respect their elders and not gaslight our lived experience/observations/lessons learned 😂

Hello anon! I just wanted to have some dinner and craft a response for you, because damn this was so well put together that it deserves a little more depth of analysis from me. So thank you for taking your time to write in your thoughts.

Off the top, I do agree that the younger generation is way too lax with how they throw around their identifying information out there on social media. A lot of them just aren't aware that whatever you post online leaves a footprint, and even if you try to delete it or conceal it, it will always be there. So even if they think they're being cocky by revealing their faces and leaving their names and where they live and such out there without a care, welp that is gonna come back around and haunt them later. Us millennials (i assume you're a fellow millennial, or Gen X at most lol) know the dangers of the internet as we grew up with the beginnings of social media. I would think twice if i were these kids uploading their faces and other shit to twitter/tumblr. Employers can find all of this even when the shippers don't think they can.

I think when we were these shippers ages we all said some pretty cringe shit online. Here's hope that as these kids grow up they realize the damage they can do by how their words and actions can affect others. And I will also just say here that just because someone goes to college for higher learning doesn't mean they are smarter than anyone else. Book smarts don't equal street smarts. and in this world I highly value being street smart and internet smart over book smart. And i think we all know that not every profession is well suited to everyone that signs up for that career field. Passing the bar is insanely difficult and even then, do you know how many half assed shitty lawyers there are out there roaming these streets? Crazy.

The stalking in this fandom is horrific, and if she really is dishing out details on how to stalk Austin's past social medias to obtain information, then they are certified crazy. It's giving straight jacket. It's giving delusional stalker. And to answer your question of how they can overlook what they say online...arrogance and ego, simply put. You think you're untouchable until one day you're not.

This point you bring up here about Austin and Kaia, dude, amazing. This needed to be said. You are so correct. Of course Austin is not a predator. Only fucking idiots would say that shit and compare him to Leo. This man clearly went through the ringer, and his choice in dating partner only reflects the mental state he was in (and might still be lingering in) at that time. He had a full fledged identity crisis meanwhile he flew to London straight after being released from the Hospital in Australia and filmed MOTA, then a few short months later he met Kaia under questionable circumstances. Plus the whirlwind of the award season and the hefty Elvis press tour is so much for a person to handle, especially when this was his first time doing both of those. No man or woman under normal circumstances would get mixed up with someone much younger than them (especially when the younger one hasn't even been a legal adult for that long). it's really a reflection of a switch not being turned on for the older person AND fucked up trauma somewhere in the young person. Trauma all around really.

At kaia's age, being with a man much older than her might have given the impression to others that she was so wise beyond her years, but she's a damn child. She shows her age all the time when she takes pictures with her young friends, go to these embarrassing parties that involve BDSM or sex or fanfiction readings in her "perverted bookclub". That is all stuff a 22 year old and younger would probably be found doing. That is not something a functioning adult who's doing okay would engage in. Plus, by her own admission she has been around men much older than he all her life thanks to Cindy pushing her to model since she was so young. So she is fucked up from that, and dating older men is what she is used to. She thinks it's normal. But in reality, it's not. And it's the fact that these shippers who are her age DON'T have a problem with it, but those of us who are close to Austin's age have a MASSIVE problem with it.

You're telling me that if theses shippers were to see a regular 32 year old man holding hands with a 22 year old out and about in the grocery store or whatever that they'd be cool with it? No, you side eye that shit. It is not normal or usual, it is odd. I as a near 30 year old woman would never in my life consider dating someone Kaia's age, are you for fucking real? In Hollywood this weirdo shit might be immorally normalized, but in regular society it is NOT OKAY. And I hope Austin get out of this funk he's been in for 2-3 years now. Continuing to be with her will only further damage himself in the long run, as you can clearly tell this man is not in love with her.

I think I hit on everything I wanted to comment on, but honestly I don't remember so im just gonna leave it here lol.

#lindsay's anon asks

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brains4ne · 6 months ago

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Closer i guess.

So as you guys have seen I’ve been on break for a few days only doing one tag game. I’ve decided before I start doing all of this literally i want you guys to try and understand why I’m doing this and why I want to get help

IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ THIS THATS FINE.

My problems with attachment issues

so..as it says I want to come out and say I have attachment issues and I’ve never felt more lonely before in my life. It started in 2023 when I had this one best friend who I thought genuinely loved me when she didn’t she never did after November of 2022 I needed someone in my life and she was there and comforted me one day on 2023 she invited me to her group of friends and they all made fun of me they body shamed me, they told me I was a “fatass” or I was “ugly” they sent pictures of me to that group chat and took me down one by one. I didn’t stop being friends with her after that tho I thought she was just a nice person and her friends were ass holes but I was wrong I was a fool and completely let her disrespect me because I thought I deserved it. In June she blocked me and I felt a lot of emotions go by me, I was upset she did that without notice, I was happy i didn’t have to worry, and I was angry I missed the old her that genuinely cared and wanted me around I missed the 4 hours calls and hang outs but the most gut wrenching feeling I felt..was I wanted closer and I wanted to know why she did that what point was she trying to make, after that I felt like I had to find points to not like her but nothing worked I tried doing everything but nothing worked I hated myself for the longest time and I still do. Now for the longest time I’ve always felt this way somehow every person I’ve become best friends with left me.

Now to the point. I feel like I need a break because I had this one best friend who I’ve became clingy with they always made me laugh and feel loved but as of recently I haven’t talked to them in a while and they’ve been giving attention to there other friends and I’ve felt left out and I told them about this but I feel like they ignored me and didn’t listen which made me feel absolutely horrible it made me depressed and upset that’s also why I’ve made so many vent posts and took over my blog with them the reason why I did it 24/7 when someone went wrong was because I wanted someone to at least ask “are you okay?” I was so frustrated that people I knew were getting that. They had friends who checked up on them and they had someone asking that question that I wanted them to ask me so every time I felt irritated, upset, sad, angry, or uncomfortable I made a post and prayed that something or someone could take that pain away but at the end of the day I realize I had to do it myself.

but I’ve decided since I’ve been feeling this up till now it would be best for me to take a break from this app I’ve had sm shit happen on this app that I can’t get into rn but I wanted you all to know that I love you all and I’m trying to show it but idk how to atm.

I am sorry

, love lawrence

@shakespeareofficialaccount

@confusedhomicidalrage

#love you all #taking a break #I’m sorry

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marzzthehuman · 1 year ago

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HELLO!☆

this is info about me+my blog!!! PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU FOLLOW!!!!!!!!1 (last updated october 24, 2024)

matching pfps with @/tex-now !!! hoorayyyy!!!!☆～（ゝ。∂） current favorite thing: INANIMATE INSANITYYYY!!! SORRY I’VE BEEN SO INACTIVE I’VE BEEN BUSY WITH SCHOOL 😔😔😔😔 meet the artist MIGHT be in progress!! yippyy!! hooray!! i also dont like how big this post is but illl work on ittt --- i’ve got a strawpage! it includes basically the same info as here but also more! and you can send me doodles and such! (i have just realized these are all things you can do on tumblr) (warning- it does contain moving images/gifs!) im aware the formatting is a little weird but i tried to make it neat :) id recommend you check it out!

I’m Marzz! (the amount of Z's does not matter!! it changes every time i type it. lately i’ve been using 2!)

i go by she/they pronouns! (AFAB) i am genderqueer and on the aro/ace spectrum!

I AM A MINOR!! (teenager)

DNI!! if you are: racist, homophobic/transphobic, an NSFW account, ableist, pedo, proship, Zionist, etc. also if you support Wilbur Soot or pusu please go away

(more, less important, info is located under the cut!! trying not the make the post TOO big!!)

If i EVER offend you in any way or say something wrong/make you uncomfy, PLEASE TELL ME!! I am never trying to be mean or disrespectful on purpose and if i have been rude to you, PLEASE inform me so i can apologize and improve my actions!!

mutuals: please tell me if you want anything tagged and I will try my best to do so!! 🫶🫶🫶🫶 for me, please tag things like nsfw/nsft (not counting on it being a common occurrence, but just in case, because some things can fall into that category!), mentions of sh and similar, and child injury, thanks!

PLEASE refrain from saying things like "this isn't real" or "you're dreaming" because it makes me upset. thank you! :)

another thing is that if you are going to make a ‘im gonna kms’ joke please use ‘/j’ or something so i know you are not serious, because saying this will get me very worried, even if i can sense you arent serious, (if i can pick up on the joke depends on how well i know you) please use a tone tag anyway!

please, please, please tag posts about suicide with ‘tw suicide’ or some variation of that please. id rather it not be mentioned around me, thanks! (if we are friends and you need to vent or something, please ask first/give me a warning. tagging it counts as a warning, im just saying if we were having a one-on-one convo)

my asks are always open, so feel free to send me an ask!!!

About me!!

I can be energetic and am a positive and optimistic person!!! Along with that, please remember I have bad days sometimes, too!!

I love getting to know people and learning fun facts about them while also sharing fun facts about myself!!

the fandoms i am most active in are: Project Sekai. that's about it. i also like other things too! I also really like Lemon Demon, Doctor Who, and The Muppets (as in any Jim Henson production)!! (I am also into TBHK, Scott Pilgrim, Lucky Star, and Warrior Cats, though I wouldnt consider myself in the fandom) i am also into musical theatere and my favorite musical is Cats!

Trust me I know how to spell it's just keyboards are hard. yk what. words are hard.

i tend to use emoticons/kaomojis/emojis a lot!! i feel like they are helpful to getting my feeling across because online you can’t read tone or facial expressions!! (ó﹏ò｡) i also use hyperboles much more than i should, but they should be easy to spot!

guys guess. guess who my favorite pjsk character is. its the hardest thing to guess guys.

I write fanfiction sometimes!! You can find me on Ao3 as MarzzzzTheHuman !!

yap posts will (hopefully) be tagged with: #marzzz's yappy yap yaps ! yap posts will include either me talking about pjsk, some sort of rant, or just sharing random things. (probably most things will be tagged with this. I'm bored and have a lot of thoughts.)

just random text posts or other stuff (just random stuff basically) will be tagged with #marmalade is here

art from after july 14 2024 SHOULD be tagged with #MARZZ ART YAAAYYY ! !

'marzz, how can I talk to you?' tags of posts, (I love seeing the little messages in tags!!) asks, or DM!! I love talking to people!! 'can I call you a nickname?' Mutuals, yes!! but please run it by me first! >.< (‘marzzy’ is already a nickname given to me by a beloved friend so i’d prefer if only they call me it, thanks!) 'can I use your art?' Yes, but please ask first! I will allow my art to be used as pfps or banners (with credit) and for personal use like wallpapers. DO NOT repost my art on other sites, don't steal, and don't feed it to AI, please!

I'm just here to have fun, honestly! I mainly post art and reblog things but when i have access to my computer for an extended period of time i just say random things. If I want to. :D

this post should update somewhat regularly, but who knows!!! (I am aware this post needs serious reformatting.. and its currently under construction. kind of. I miiigghhtt make a 'meet the artist' thing but who knows lmao)

#about myself #marzzz's yappy yap yaps #marmalade is here

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tojisun · 1 year ago

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Sorry it turned into a depressing rant

Anon who asked about your fav studio ghibli movie here!

I love howls moving castle so much, I love the part when Sophie starts cleaning the house, I love how comforting it is

I love the sass from everyone, I love how kind Sophie is

I love howls line “I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful” as much as it sucks I agree with him. I’m not smart so the only thing I can offer is my looks and personality to people I meet. If I’m not beautiful, then what’s the point? Sorry if it sounds shallow but when you have nothing to offer in this world, the only thing I can work on is how good I look and present myself. I know I shouldn’t think like that, it’s damaging

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, there will be people who find you attractive and there will be people who won’t. People you find attractive, others won’t, so sometimes I try not to think too much about it since we never know.

All my life I’ve been slow academically. My siblings are all smarter than me so I’m always the dumb one. I’m not skinny but I’m working on it, even tho it’s so hard, but I have to be skinny, my life will definitely turn around when I’m not too self conscious about my body. I know I’ll still have those negative thoughts and even after I’m skinny I won’t be happy but, as of now, I never leave the house, my anxiety about how I look keeps me from taking in person classes. I never want to leave the house unless I look good, because I don’t want anyone seeing me at my worst, I want everyone to see me as the best version of myself. So I never leave, my social skills have tanked since 2020 since that was the last time I took a in person class, and that was in high school 😭😭

I feel so immature and stupid, and people my age (19) are doing better than me. I just give up before I even try, and I’m so behind since I’m in my third year of college and I still don’t have an official major, I’m so behind, and last semester I didn’t take any classes cuz I was so depressed and embarrassed, since I failed two classes. It’s an horrible cycle of pity and dread and I’m scared I’ll never get rid of it. And I’m scared of talking to men, but I’m supposed to get married and have a kid before I’m 30 since you’re more fertile and it’s better to have kids young, and I’d love that but I’m scared my kids will turn out like me, disappointments. And I won’t know how to fix them.

So yeah… we veered off of howls moving castle.. my bad💀

re:

!! this got long im so sorry

first of: pls dont apologize! u are welcome to vent here in my blog, im happy to just be a bouncing wall to u guys (if my usually long responses arent what u guys wanted to see). thank u for trusting me (us) with this and im truly sorry for how late im responding

i do love those parts of howls moving castle! i never understood why howl was lamenting about his looks when i thought he looked beautiful w orange hair. orange used to be my favourite colour ^v^ it isnt one rn but i am still fond of it.

i loved orange even when howl didnt – u are correct that beauty in the eye of the beholder. beauty also goes a long way. it’s a horrible reality but when u grew up fat, u get told so many times about how much better life would be if u could just lose weight. i truly cant tell u when i stopped thinking so little of myself.

honestly love, its just so recent when i felt good enough in my own skin – blemishes n all. i never thought itd get better tbh; i thought itd stay this way but it got better. and im scared to promise to you a range of when it will get better, but i do know that it will.

u feel immature bc u are still young! 19 is so young so pls dont punish urself for feeling young, for thinking young, for not knowing anything past being young yet. as a younger sibling, ik for a fact im still so immature. it took me getting a job (during the weekdays) n going to uni for me to mature up, n i was 20 when that happened. so recent!

i also completed my associates slowly bc i was struggling in college! i once took a sem where i only had one class bc i was so overwhelmed that i had to slowly pace myself so i can keep going. high school babies u n then boom, u get hit w juggling responsibilities in college that kinda makes u wanna quit – but u didnt. u took a break and then bounced back!! my love, if that isnt resilience, then what is?

ive never wanted to settle down. i think its bc i thought id be gone by now that i just dont see myself having a family of my own so i apologize for not knowing how to empathize about the ‘deadline’ but u are just 19. before age 30 is so far away! u have sm to live for in between those years. sm to experience and to meet and to love!

also, not having a major yet is also fine! i declared a minor just this year – and im a fourth year already. pls dont worry. u have time – that is something i wanna keep emphasizing. u have time. it feels like the world is collapsing rn bc of fear and anxiety which, my old therapist told me, is a sign that u (and i) wanna keep going. that u wanna keep living.

and from what i could see, especially coming from me who wanted to just give it all up, that is enough. i know that the reasons behind u working on urself isnt a sustainable mentality, but hopefully one day u will wake up and own ur hard work for urself. not for others.

aaaa this got too long im so sorry, im being emotional on my end but i just want u to know: u are not a disappointment. u arent.

ur alive and ur making connections and ur trying ur best (even though it doesnt feel like that on ur end but u are!!) so how could u be a disappointment? and even if u dont wanna do anything, ur also not a disappointment. not even then.

ur future kids will be so lucky and happy to have u as their mom. and they too will be beautiful; they wont need any fixing bc there isnt anything broken to fix.

i love you. i dont know who u are but i love you. i love all of you.

#anon #ask #i am sorry for ranting. i dont know how to show u that i understand without ascribing life moments #thank u for trusting me #i hope this alleviates even a little of what youre carrying #take care <3

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back4kink · 5 months ago

Note

I’m glad you had a good weekend! And yeah I know work sucks lol.

But anyways I’m posting cause I’m just really struggling mentally and I don’t know who to talk to, it’s gotten worse over the few days and recently I’ve had other contributing factors that have made it worse.

I’m tryna find an escape and this might be just one, when I found this page i felt a sense of comfort and asking things anonymously helps at the fact that I can just easily talk to someone. Guess I’m going down hill(mentally) but I’m tryna put on a face I guess, lol.

You’re a great guy and a good person to talk to, so thank you.

And I’m sorry for spewing, you probably don’t even wanna hear about my problematic self haha.

-🪷

No please never apologize for this sort of thing and hey I never usually ask directly for people to DM but I really would enjoy it if you did I’d love to talk you through this tough time cuz I know it’s hard and I don’t want you to be alone you can vent to me and I can try to help you but please don’t stay alone and if you don’t wanna reach out all I can say it you’re not alone I’m here for you and my blog is here for you but you should reach out. But if you don’t this will always be your safe space no matter what.

#my asks

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the-trans-advice-blog · 7 months ago

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Long Vent, apologies in advance (feel free to ignore this):

I'm a bit worried about whether I can transition (legally and medically) cause I live in south africa and I'm just scared the seemingly lack of formalized trans healthcare is gonna fuck stuff up for me, doesn't really help that I everyone I know and know of irl is cis, every single person besides me is cis. And my non-transphobic parents still don't believe that I'm not their little girl even after being out to them for about 2 years. And they're the most liberal family members i have, the rest are extremely conservative and transphobic. And I'm just fucking scared. For fucks sake I don't even have the guarantee of hearing or reading my name anywhere each day. Like atleast I've got a few friends who are extremely supportive of me (one of them continuesly telling me that she does not understand why anyone ever thinks I'm a girl cause I already pass as a cis guy lol) and it fucking sucks that my school is a conservative Christian school (not like america public schools can be religious here) where I was the second "girl" to have a short haircut in the entire school and it's a massive fucking school. Counting me atleast there's 4 people who have short "boy" hair and have to wear the girls' uniform. On that topic I fucking hate that I can't be out to teachers, the teachers regularly make horribly transohobic comments without being prompted to or even knowing about the one half-out trans kid (me). Like i hear shit like teachers saying they believe trans people are truly sick in the head and that they want kids to out their trans friends (luckily my friends are nice enough not to do that) and I hate the girl's uniform I gotta wear and I hate it all and I've still gotta deal with high school for 2 and ¾ years. And idk my mental health has been really bad lately and this all doesn't help, and i love being trans, I just want to atleast be tolerated for it amd have a bit more stable future planned in terms of transition. And I want my parents to fucking be able to help with that, they're wonderful parents otherwise sonjwnush I could just rely on them a little for some of this shit.

idk I'm just scared and tired and dysphoric and I feel very very alone

(On another note, I appreciate your blog a lot, you're cool)

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. Obviously there’s nothing I can say to make it magically better but I hope you do know there’s a huge community out there who’s happy to support you in whatever ways we can. I’m not sure how safe online spaces are for you if your family is conservative but you’ll always have a safe space here to talk about whatever you need to. I hope one day you can get out if you want to, or that something’s changes in the area you’re in. High school is the worst, especially being trans, but I know that you can get through it! I’m really happy you have some supportive friends, and if I were you I’d maybe try to make some online ones if you haven’t already just because it seems like the people around you won’t be very safe.

I wish you luck on your journey and I really hope things get better for you.

#marshal answers

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hakirachan · 10 months ago

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Hey guys. Hakira here. Just a rant below the cut, read if you want. Or don’t. I don’t care.

I usually don’t vent on this blog. It’s mostly full of crack, shits and giggles, which is why you probably weren’t expecting this kind of post. But I just need to explain something in case I suddenly stop posting one day. (I know you guys probably don’t care; in fact, most of y’all probs won’t see this, but I needed to post this anyways. Sorry.) It’s kinda depressing so feel free to keep scrolling now that you know that.

So, I’m at a really shitty point in my life. It feels like everyone’s against me, like I’ve got almost nobody supporting me, and I feel like I’m hated by everyone I’ve ever looked up to. I know, sooo original. Well, it’s deeper than that.

I’m still living with my parents (somehow), but it’s always been pretty toxic ever since I was a kid. As the youngest, I can guarantee that the “youngest sibling is the favorite child, oldest gets all the work” stereotype is complete bullshit. I was told to do some things that kids that age shouldn’t have had to do. At just 6-7 years old, I was forced to take heavy bags & boxes (and I mean 40-50 pounds each) of my dad’s old shit down to the curb and wait there until they got picked up by his friend (“to make sure it didn’t get blown away” or something like that) in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, with temps below -10 degrees Fahrenheit [around -23 degrees Celsius]. Almost lost my fingers from that. They made me set out & pack up most things for a family campout on my own when I wasn’t even staying at the campsite; I was staying home with a mean, nicotine-addicted (took out a cigarette the moment my parents pulled out of the driveway; refused to stop smoking even though the smoke was making my 8-year-old body nauseous) babysitter because I had a B- in one of my classes. I know this doesn’t sound that bad, but the problem is that I wasn’t even 10 when these things were happening. It’s not really anything too serious, but I was still basically ripped out of my childhood way too early. But, enough about my childhood; now my present life. I’ve relied on my friends for comfort for most of my life because of my dysfunctional home. Recently, though, my friends have become more distant and toxic. Spreading rumors, talking shit, leaving me out, and pulling pranks that go too far (like ruining the outfit I worked so hard to make the day before my band concert). I’ve only got three friends I trust; however, 2 of them I hardly talk to anymore (not because anything happened, we’ve just got different things going on in our lives). So, there’s only one real friend who’s always stuck with me. However, there’s nothing he can do about my family at home. As I said earlier, my family’s always been toxic and dysfunctional. It should have gotten better over the years, but no. It’s gotten worse. They’ve cussed me out, threatened me, and recently, I’ve even been a victim to some domestic violence. I talked to the cops about it, and to a lady from the state who deals with these kinds of things. However, since there were no visible marks and no proof of it, they couldn’t log it as abuse because they can’t just go off of what is said; they need some hard evidence to actually do anything. So, since I don’t have the money to move out of my parent’s house, I had to watch my only hope at escaping this mental and verbal (and now some physical) abuse quite literally walk out the door. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges for the longest time. And, I’m ashamed to admit it because I’ve talked so many people out of it irl, but recently I have been self-harming. Thing is, while I had helped so many other people, nobody ever helped me through these dark times in my life. In fact, some people (who I helped through their trauma) literally told me to self-harm and to just kill myself when I tried venting to them. I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t see the “bright side” anymore. There is no more “bright side” for me. I’m on the edge right now, literally. But I’ve got you guys to thank for getting me this far. Thank you so much for being here for me, even though I don’t usually vent, and you guys didn’t know what I’ve been going through up until now, so you weren’t actively trying to support me. Even so, thanks for appreciating me and not treating me like I’m more worthless than a dead plant. I love you all, and I hope you guys have great lives. So, if I change my mind, then I’ll see you guys later. If not…well, don’t mourn me, I’ll be in a better place. So long, guys. also im gonna give this a few days in case things get better (though let’s be honest, they’re probably not gonna) so don’t miss me just yet. If I’m gone for like, over a week, then you can assume I finally freed myself from this hell

shoutout to my mutuals, you guys are awesome and were great help to me (im not gonna pin you so you don’t feel obliged to read/reply to my dumb rant): dumb-mc-sheep cldhart08 acronym49 cricketproofreads im-an-angy-alpaca trash-opposum

And special shoutouts to my two fav mutuals (sorry other moots) @family-disappointment and @avatarofstars! You two were some of the greatest motivators for me to keep going. I’m sorry that your efforts (while unintentional) probably weren’t enough this time. I love you both and wish you both the best lives you can have! (And sorry for bothering you with the tag, just wanted you to see this last little note to you both💜)

This is Hakira, signing out.

#goodbye #i love you all #i wish you all the best #and im gonna miss you all #thank you guys for everything you’ve done for me.#this is Hakira signing out.#hakira rants

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