#sorry to get heavy im just so fucking glad its january

[peachykcqt]

the amt of weight instantly lifted off of me when i look at this is indescribable

[chaeryybomb]

JUNE COMEBACKS REVIEW

BLACKPINK: HOW YOU LIKE THAT

ngl I’m kinda sad bc a lot of y’all don’t like the song ;-; but I can’t do anything about it since it’s your opinion so

but I hope that people know the difference between hating and giving criticism saying the song sucks and that it’s trash music is straight up music

I can get why people are disappointed with the song since everyone wanted almost the same thing, “jennie getting a rap part”, “jisoo saying blackpink in your area” and a high note from rosé

personally I really like the song, to me it’s not the same as dddd and ktl tbh I think it’s different

plus I kinda expected it to be like that bc their songs usually follow that yg style ya know the only songs I say that don’t follow that stereotypical yg style is “love scenario”, “stay” and AKMU’s songs

i mean if you compare the song with other yg artists song, they all have the same vibe to it because of the “yg style” we always say

the song also gives me nct and skz vibes too, like specifically “punch” and “side effects” bc of the heavy edm and also bc their songs has been called noise before dhshd

but enough of that

I really like how the song starts calmly in the beginning and then it starts to be more aggressive

also I like the fact that each of the girls get a chance to say “how you like that”

lisa’s rap????? y e s

personally I feel like this time it had more of a fairer distribution, including lines and center parts

like jisoo actually gets some center parts in the dance break and chorus

i also really like the outfits this era, especially the modernized hanboks! though I have mix feelings about the pink wig dhshdh

speaking of hair, jennie!! she fucking dyed her hair!!!

and rosé is no longer blonde dhsjdj

the parts I found weird is when rosé says “look up in the sky it’s a bird it’s a plane” i have no idea how that fits in the song so

and the “dumdudurum” part at the end, it sounds out of place, like especially after it the song ends

i also think that this is their best choreography! right next to don’t know what to do

overall, I really like the song, if you don’t it’s fine! hylt has the most aesthetic mv’s I’ve seen and the outfits are so much better and it has been said that BLACKPINK’s old stylist left the company in January no not maeng

lisa’s fur coat outfit reminds me of yeji’s outfit in wannabe

would I say that hylt is their best song? no, I think playing with fire was their best song but it’s not a terrible song either

another I like is jisoo owning this era, say what you want, hylt is Jisoo’s era period.

STRAY KIDS: GOD’S MENU

what even is a concept anymore

we all thought it was going to be some street racer concept

buT NO

it’s a kung fu panda concept dhshdh

felix!!! my baby has lines !!!!

his demonic voice is bACK

hyunjin’s blond hair 😭😭

what the fUCK

the way he tied it up in a ponytail, like sir that is diSRESPECTFUL he really is jaebum’s son huh

okay okay on to the song

it honestly shocked me so much, like the rap parts were so aggressive like and the vocals are kinda angelic???

i really really like the pre-chorus, seungmin’s voice is just so !!!!! i also like seungmin+i.n’s little duet after felix’s part

spEAKING OF FELIX’S PART

“looking like a chef I’m a five star Michelin” bro that part is lowkey demonic looking in the dance

like mans pulled his knees up and put his hands through them while looking directly at you

does that not look demonic to you??? my friend said it reminded her of a spider dhshdhr

also the “dududu” part instantly reminded me of bp’s dddd dhshd like can someone edit a part of bp going “oh wait till I do when I hit you with that” and cuts to skz “DUDUDU”

the fact that no one has done it yet astounishes me

also what the fuck is that chain thing on Chan’s face, who put it there and why dhshd

bless whoever gave changbin dual contacts lens

AND WHO GAVE JEONGIN SLEEVELESS SHIRTS WHO ALLOWED THAT DHSHD

at first I found the choreography a bit funny bc they added like cooking gestures to it dhshd, like stirring the pot in the chorus but my favorite part of the dance is changbin’s part

the entire album was a bop okay, the fact that “god’s menu” wasn’t even the title track and they decided to change it, the fact that jyp has so much TRUST in bang chan also we get to see chan and sana being best friends uwu

“pacemaker” is literally “my pace” 2020 ver dhshd it even has the “nananana” part!

my favorites from the album is “TA”, “blueprint” and “haven”!!

also “easy”,,,, chan what did u do that it can’t be performed in shows

TWICE: MORE & MORE

wow girl groups are really being criticized this month huh

if y’all don’t know what happened with twice, a lot of people are criticizing twice for not singing live during their encore stages

a lot of them are especially going after momo

I’ve watched their encore stages and I don’t know why people are saying they sound bad???? maybe they need a better vocal coach but the fact that people are taking advantages of the situation just to hate on them smh

a n y w a y s

the song definitely gives a whole lot of “dtna” vibes bc of the tropical concept, its like “dtna” but the mature version

if “dance the night away” had an older sister, it would be “more & more”

also I really like the eve & adam concept, “more & more” is also another “creepy”ish song that is hidden behind a catchy tune, like “yes or yes” where ppl think it’s a cute song but the lyrics says otherwise

okay actually writing this out, it’s mv has “dtna” vibe but the song is so much like “yes or yes”

if you read the lyrics, the girls are basically saying that “no matter how hard you try to hide, you’re going to be mine again”

even in dahyun’s rap she says “I’m naturally selfish, I’m sorry if you didn’t know” and “you will fall for me, you can’t say no no”

it’s almost the same as her part in “yes or yes” where she says “there is no letters n and o” dhshdh sorry this becam a whole theory

back the real song review, I’m so glad that momo got a dance break! I think that this is their fairest line distribution yet. jeongyeon got her lines, dubchaeng got their rap parts and momo has a lot of center parts!!

and the girls look so much happier during their promotions especially tzuyu! she was smiling so much, maybe it’s because mina is with them and I’m so happy they get to perform as nine again

i really like their choreography and the part where they do the chest bounce is really satisfying idk why dhsdh

plus jeongyeon got better outfits this era cough feel special era cough

overall, I really like this comeback and it’s nice that nayeon got the high notes this time instead of jihyo

IZ*ONE: SECRET STORY OF THE SWAN

oh boy this is definitely my favorite song of this month

it’s so much different than their other songs!!!

and there’s so much to go on about!

wonyoung, minju, sakura and hyewon literally improved so much. im so proud of them !!!

hyewon, nako and sakua getting to sing the chorus??? y e s

chaeyena rap parts????? y e s

chaeyeon getting a dance break AND a high note???? Y E S

my favorite parts is eunbi+chaewon pre chorus wow I have a thing for pre choruses don’t I dhsh

i will say that this song vies the girls the chance to show how much they’ve improved throughout the eras, especially the j-line and visual line since a lot of people said they didn’t belong in izone

wonyoung and yujin's expressions are really on point as well

and yena's hip move dhshdhs

it's also rlly cute how eunbi throws confetti at her part dhshd

it’s refreshing to see how the girls improved

unfortunately, izone will be disbanding this year ;-; this is why I never liked the produce series

but we do have some ideas what will happen to the members though, we all know yena will be added into everglow, i having a feeling that eunbi and chaeyeon will be debuting as a soloist, they have so much potential plus the radiate chungha energy

nako, hitomi and sakura would most likely return to Japan, although I see sakura staying in korea to pursue an acting career and hitomi as a producer since she wrote some of izone’s songs

yuri might debut as a solo or debut in a new girl group as main vocalists, the same goes for chaewon

i see minju and hyewon going into acting careers and CF contracts, the same as kang mina, especially since minju is now an mc for music core

whereas for wonyoung and yujin, their both still young so I think they’ll finish school before re-debuting in groups plus yujin will be attending sopa

especially wonyoung, we all know that she’s actually really smart and is good at academics, i also think she might do modeling work, she fits the criteria

i also kinda see yujin pursuing an acting career because she will be in the theatre and film department in sopa. unless starship is going to debut a new girl group, I hope that yujin can debut as a soloist instead

WEKI MEKI: OOPSY

*inhales*

LUCY AND LUA FINALLY GETTING THE LINES THEY D E S E R V E D

I’m so happy dhshdhhs

also lua fits the short hairstyle so much, I’ve literally fallen for her help I can’t get up

as much as I love yoojung, it’s nice to see lucy rapping

the song is very catchy, I especially like rina’s part in the second verse of the song

i also love the “wolf & hunter” concept for the album

like the pictures were very beautiful, I also like how they use white for the wolves and black for the hunters, it’s like painting the hunters at the bad guys and the wolves as the good guys

I am in love with Lucy, Lua and Sei’s “nonono” part in the chorus

and the choreography for the chorus too

as much as I love elly’s blue hair, she slays in black hair dhshd I

I really love their outftis this era, i like how it’s all pants for the girls too

my favorite outfits are the black outfits from the gif

overall, this is definitely their fairest line distribution cough tika taka and dazzle dazzle cough

NATURE: GIRLS

this is my second favorite song of the month

I love the whole horror concept and I also like the fact that they released the uncensored version of the mv

it’s give the song much more of the horror vibe

I’m new to Nature and as far as I know, a member is stuck in China and another member sat out due to an injury. please correct me if I’m wrong

the outfits might be simple, but it fits so right with the song, I prefer the white dresses over the black ones

it kinda gives out the feeling that the girls are like asylum patients ya know, whereas the black dresses gives out that the girls are rich daughters that were sent away

I really like LU and Haru’s parts

the dance is also kinda a simple but it looks great!

overall, I hope that Nature will do this concept again, actually I hope to see more groups do this kind of concepts more

WAYV: TURN BACK TIME

did this comeback scare me? yes yes it did

bro the teasers were so scARY

yangyang was literally laughing like a mANIAC

MANS WAS IN AN ASYLUM OKAY

their teasers gave me so much suicide squad vibes

also, why the fuck were 4/7 members not wearing shiRTS

sm do you have a shirt shortage??? I’m sure nctzens are more than happy to donate some shirts to you

okay anyways, I’ve always liked wayv’s sci-fi concept, I don’t know if the mv’s are connected or not but I think they are

“take off” is them basically flying away from earth and they landed in space in “moonwalk” and it seems they have been captured in “turn back time”

very inch resting dhshd

listen, I may be chinese but I can’t understand 70% of the song because of how fast it goES

so with that saying, yANGYANG DID NOT COME TO PLAY

his rap was amazing !!!! he is definitely one of sm’s best rappers along with taeyong and mark

my favorite part is lucas and hendery’s rap parts and then it switches to xiaojun and yangyang + kun, ten and xiaojun getting highnotes

the dance break is so satisfying to watch too

“stop, rewind, turn back time” and “5432” part is so satisfying

also I’m really impressed with how fast LabelV responded when fans pointed out that some of the outfits had offensive phrases in them, they took the time to edit it out of the teasers and the mv, cheers to them

also! i find it funny that wayv released the Korean version of “turn back time” but all of us were much more shocked at the fact that Ten got another cat dhshd

SEVENTEEN: LEFT & RIGHT

first of all, dokyeom looks so gOOD IN THE MV

second of all, vernon and wonwoo’s “hana dul set” will forever be iconic

third, seungcheol is back 😭😭

just like twice, they get to perform as 13 again dhsjdsn

AND THEY LOOK SO HAPPY DURING THIS ERA TOO

LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN WONWOO?? HE’S SUCH A SMILEY BABY with his orange mic dhshd

also if y’all don’t have tiktok, svt has been doing the “left & right” with so many other idols including chungha and apink’s naeun!

haha joshua hong and wen junhui being real disrespectful with those sleeveless shirts

bonus point we got svt x nct china line + mark and joshua interaction at music bank

their choreography looks so fun too dhshd

the entire comeback is so cute and colorful

my favorite parts are vernon and seungcheol’s rap parts

also vernon be rocking that greaser style

their new album is so versatile, like, “fearless”, “left & right”, “kidult” and “my my”?? who’s doing it like seventeen

i love their new songs so much especially “kidult”

overall, I really really love this comeback

WJSN: BUTTERFLY

I couldn’t find a group scene gif pls forgive me

let me say, I am absolutely in love with the concept, the outfit concept for this is so creative, I don’t know if any other groups have done it before but !!

their outfits evovle like a butterfly!!

at first, the outfits were plain pastel colours but they slowly become more detailed and colourful throughout the stages, like a caterpillar to a butterfly!

center yeoreum!!!

and dayoung looks so pretty in short hair 🥺

and again, as far as I know, the Chinese members are in China, two of them are apart of the Chinese group Rocket Girl and I think Chengxiao recently returned to Korea

I really like their ending pose where their hands are in the butterfly gesture and the “wings” are slowly flapping

and how their arms represent their wings during the chorus

by far one of the moor creative comebacks in my opinion

also, it’s nice to hear soobin doing the high note instead of yeonjung, let yeonjung rest her voice once in a while ya know

SUNMI: PPORAPPIPAM

THE QUEEN IS BACKKK

also wonder girls reunion uwu

the teaser gave me so much "barbie: island princess" vibes so the entire mv was not what I expected

at all

the mv literally describes sunmi a lot, she basically does whatever the fuck she wants like when she posted that pic of jyp on instagram dhshdhs

it’s so funny especially the scene where sunmi is wearing the teletubbies head

and at the end when she wakes up and goes back to sleep is just a mood lmao

something about the song really gives me a lot of “siren” vibes but happier???

i really like the way she pronounces “pporappipam” it took me one week to finally pronounced it dhshd

idk why but I really like the instrumental, especially the intro, it’s very melancholic

also she wears converse while performing the song bc she has to step on the dancers at one part !!

speaking of that part, it’s so cool!!! the way she climbs up the dancers like stairs and then she just trust-falls into their arms

[sagittariusboyfriend]

What have been some creepy encounters you've experienced? Story please?

ive waited quite some time to respond to this message, like literally a long ass time lol, probably more than a year, sorry. i feel like i have several encounters to tell you about, but what im going to relay to whomever might be reading this right now is a thing that went on over the course of an entire year.

quick backstory: during the better part of 2017 i lived with my then boyfriend (who now is just my best friend since we broke up in october this year) in the old parts of the city center. all buildings in that area are from around 1870, and the building where we lived is one of the first ones to have been erected. his aparment was on ground level and it has all the features of turn of the century housing with the fireplace, original floors, weird nooks and crannies etc, and looks as if it was meant to be lived in by service people/kitchen personnel. it also had its original door (i suppose) with the kind of springy locking mechanism where you have to turn the key and pull down the handle real hard simultaneously to open from the outside, the knob is very tough to turn from the inside, and it locks itself instantly once you close it (so if you forget your keys youre basically screwed). it makes a loud brassy springy clicking noise when the lock shuts or opens. takes a lot of effort to open this old door and its loud, is what im saying. the entire apartment is all original details, the flooring in the corridor has its original wood planks, original ventilation, weird but beautiful glass panels on the door etc.

the key and the door unlocking from inside

first off, when he moved in, the landlord was missing a key in the set of four. my then boyfriend, lets call him C, didnt really think about it. he moved in, gave his dad one of the extra keys. the first weird thing that happened was when C got back from work in the afternoon maybe two weeks after moving in. in the middle of the corridor, on the floor, he sees the missing key. like smack dab in the middle of the narrow corridor leading from hallway to the bathroom, next to his boots. its too far in to have been thrown in by someone through the letter slot in the door, and could not have been dropped there by neither him nor his father since they had all of their keys. so he’s like, weird, but doesnt really think about it. he also told me that around that time he heard coughing from the corridor when inside his bedroom (it opens up to the right from the corridor once you step inside the apartment), but also waved it off since it might as well have been neighbours just outside in the hall.

next weird thing that happens is after we had started dating and i pretty much lived there with him, and this time i experienced it. i started work around noon whereas C left around 6 in the morning. so im in bed and its maybe 10 o’clock, and i wake up to that loud, springy clicking noise of the locking mechanism in the door. and im like, what is he doing home at this time? so i get up, but no one is there. the door is also juuust a little bit askew, as if someone was going outside but then decided not to, like its just shoved open enough for the lock to click open, but the door isnt opened, its still within the width of the doorframe if you get what i mean. so i look outside and the hall is empty. i should have been able to hear steps in the very echo-y stairwell (which is also old and the acoustics are fantastic because we hear everytime a neighbour passes by, and subsequently opens the building entrance door which is also a loud, heavy door), but heard neither steps, up or down the stairs in the hall, nor anyone opening the heavy entrance door, or any evidence of human activity. all is quiet. i get a bit freaked out, because that means that unless someone else had a key, our door was unlocked from inside.

i tell C when he gets back, and after this is where shit starts to ACTUALLY go down.

im going to try to remember all of this in the correct order, but i know it started in january 2017, and went on until he moved out in december.

the song in the hallway

C talks a lot in his sleep. sometimes he even sings, he speaks in english (we’re swedish) and  he has been known to get up and take a shower at one in the morning while still asleep thinking hes late for work. for those who are on heavy sleeping medication, u get it. its not weird, mostly its funny, and its just because of the medication. these things go on literally every night and it was a bit hard to fall asleep to loud talking and incoherent words sometimes because he used to go to bed three-four hours earlier than me, but i managed just fine. one night we were in bed, it wasnt that late but C was asleep, i was on my phone next to him. i hear this weird melody being hummed, thinking its coming from C i take out my earplugs and check, but its coming from the fucking hallway. again, no one outside in the stairs, just someone or something humming a melody in the hallway. i remember my hair standing up all over my body and i was glad i slept closest to the wall, C shielding me from being viewed directly from the hallway. somehow i manage to fall asleep. and this part is going to sound weird and like its made up, im very aware, but having been through this crap i dont really care because i know it happened: the morning after C was off from work, and i for once woke up before he did. if i wake him up and his medication hasnt ‘wore off’ yet i guess (dont really know how that works) he’ll be disoriented and it takes a few minutes for his brain to register that hes awake and he can speak coherently. i did not poke him, i did not try to wake him up, but all of a sudden i hear him humming that same melody, very much deep asleep. that freaked me out.

the mimicking begins

another night around that time, i was up at around 2-3 am to go to the bathroom. i wiggle out of bed, out into the corridor, at the end of the corridor is the bathroom. when im done, i scurry back into the bedroom, information of value here i guess is i always sleep with my socks on so im wearing socks, aka i dont make a lot of noise when i get up. when im back in bed, looking at my phone, i hear footsteps - from the corridor. the freakiest thing is its like they are imitating the way i walked back from the bathroom, i can so CLEARLY hear sockless, BARE feet on the creaky floor of the hallway, literally stepping at the same pace i did. that was my first thought; someone is imitating my footsteps. i can hear them from behind the wall in the hallway, coming to a stop at the opening into the bedroom. like someone is standing there, watching. i get so scared i hide under the covers and press myself close to C and cant stop feeling icy shivers down my spine. i also cant stop thinking that someone or something waited for me in the kitchen, then walked behind me, mimicking me, and is now standing at the beedroom threshold, watching me. somehow i fall asleep, or i dont, i cant remember.at this point, im thinking somethings up with that hallway.

the poorly covered hole

this part isnt anything scary/supernatural really, just uncomfortable and kinda sets the tone for living in this apartment at the time: in the bedroom, C had placed a clothing rack next to the old 1900s floor-to-ceiling ventilation pipe that is plastered into the wall in the corner. literally just a wide ass pipe in the corner of the room that isnt in use anymore. behind the rack, leaning against the pipe, he had put a rarely used pink neon tube light and i decided it would look cool to try it out, but it was dusty in that little nook thing where it was so i had to clean it up a bit. while moving the clothing rack to vacuum, i realize there is a hole at least as big as my hand in the side of the pipe. i was like ??the frick is this? and i poke into it and there is just this thin paper membrane covering it. you could almost fit an entire head through there, and i can literally feel wafts of cold wind moving through it. there probably used to be an attached pipe of some sort to allow smoke from the kitchen to go up into the ventilation like a hundred years ago, but the thought that this at least 1 meter wide pipe, wide enough to fit a person, goes up through probably all apartments above us, up through the attic, ending as an open chimney in the roof, has this big hole in it is just… unsettling to me. obviously the pipe is not in use anymore, but that kind of only made it scarier. ive seen enough scary movies for that to make me feel a bit paranoid lol. i was almost expecting a hand to push through that paper when i touched it. but i covered it back up with the clothing rack and nothing really happened with that.

the mirror incident

one night, me and C were getting ready to go out. im getting ready in the hallway, because thats where the big wall-sized full figure mirrors are (of course). C comes out of the bathroom, runs past me infront of me, veering off to the left into the bedroom, wearing only underwear. i look after him in the mirror, i can see him in the bedroom, in front of his clothing rack. im fixing my hair at the time, both hands on my head. to my direct left is the front door and the space with our shoes and jackets. right in front of the door, for a split moment while im turning back to keep looking at myself in the mirror, i see what looks exactly like C but paler, wearing only underwear, standing in the same position as me, turned away from me as if the thing is also looking in a mirror. heads on its head like its fixing its hair, just like me. imitating me. i get shivers just typing this down. i tell C what i just saw, i literally went: ”uh C? i just saw a man infront of the door”, dumbfounded, and we both got a bit freaked out, and got out of there pretty quickly.

learning about demons

a few weeks later, C invites his friend to comes to visit. im not there at that time so i never met her, but she apparently had a knack for sensing ghosts and picking up on energies etc. he told me that when he got up to get them more wine from the kitchen and left her alone in the couch in the bedroom, she said she really felt very uncomfortable sitting with her back to the hallway corridor. she also told him that ghosts and spirits are usually not malevolent and you can get by fine living in a ‘haunted�� house. but when he told her what we had experienced so far, she told him that ghosts usually dont behave that way, and that a rule is that if something is imitating or mimicking you, its probably not a ghost, but might be signs of fucking DEMONIC ACTIVITY. apparently demons like to mock and impersonate people. friendly caspers dont do that. fun.

realizing the triangle/cursed ground

so, yeah. weird things kept happening. but we had jobs, sometimes you just gotta ignore that shit and try not to live your life terrified of demons. which we still were for the record; i dont think we ever left each other alone in that apartment for any longer than necessary after that, i remember C actually staying at his dads during the time i went away to see my family.

anyway, when we had started dating C had introduced this podcast to me. its a swedish one where a guy called jack reads creepypastas, analyzes spooky stuff, old folklore, all that stuff, and also reads original content and real stories written by listeners. its really good and really creepy. so that podcast had been going for maybe two years by then so i had a LOT to catch up with, wich wasnt a bad thing at all. i remember by this time is was summer and i was out on the street smoking a cigarette after doing dishes, and the episode i was listening to was about the last of the execution spots/gallow hills (?? i guess is the correct term? not sure) in sweden. remember, we lived in the old part of the city center, in the northern part of the city. very old buildings, very old everything. so jack commences to talk about the famous last gallow hill in [our city] and where it was located, when the final execution took place and for what, how many people had been killed there and its entire bloody history. i almost drop my cigarette, because he says it was located on zenithgatan (”zenith street”), and where the gallows used to be there is now a kindergarten. so im on our street, just outside our kitchen windows, looking right at that specific kindergarten. just across the main road. i will provide a screenshot of a map and a street view of what i was looking at to let you know i am not making this up:

so the street we lived on is called döbelnsgatan (”döbeln street”, döbeln is apparently a city in germany, i just googled that), at the very end of the street, our citys main old cemetary is juuust beyond our line of sight to the right from the kitchen windows and where i was standing. however, across from us: zenithgatan, with all of its bloody history. i couldnt help but to wonder how far the blood could had flown from there and where the bodies had been thrown, if this entire part of town is built on bloody ground etc. it really gave me massive creeps.

a few years later (which would be a few months ago, when i moved in to the room where i live presently) i happened to land a conversation about ghosts with my new flatmate. turns out she also used to live in those neighbourhoods, in an apartment on the third floor literally overlooking the cemetary, but on celciusgatan, which would be the next street over from döbelnsgatan (see map). and she told me, without me having said anything at all about all of this, that that part of town including her apartment has always been haunted. she used to see a shadow of a man through frosted glass doors, moving around in rooms that were closed when both she and her son and her sister were in the kitchen. she didnt experience any malice however, and also had someone come check it out for her, but apparently she just had nice ghosts. but we agreed that yeah, these buildings are literallty inbetween a cemetary and the gallows; there are probably bound to be a lot of lost souls wandering around.

this could also be over-analyzing it, but if you draw lines from the cemetary to the site of the executions to döbelnsgatan/celciusgatan, it makes a perfect triangle. while googling the translation of ‘döbeln’ just now it says right in the wikipedia description that it is located ‘somewhat in the middle of a triangle, made up by three cities’. coincidence, perhaps. probably. but still. by now im pretty conviced of anything that could hold any significance about all of this.

the painting

later on, maybe by a few months, and C tells me when i get home from work that he had woken up that day, after i went to work, from the painting atop of his big secretaire/chiffonier/bookcase (its really a big piece of heavy furtinure, but lets call it bookcase just to be simple) coming crashing down behind it. that painting had stood there since january, at least 9-10 months, and had not fallen down ONCE. it was leaning against the wall, perched safely and steady on the bookcase, with at least a centimeter bookcase until the gap between wall and furniture. i remember thinking last time i looked it was covered in dust because no one even as much as dusted that thing off, and there had been no weird vibrations in the walls that would have shook it either. by this point we’re both very, very uncomfortable in this apartment.

the painting and the hollow in the wall

and here comes the final thing that happened before he moved out, the part that we have on film. ill have to ask my ex for the footage if anyones interested in it, which is fine.

C was doing a collaboration with some people on instagram, an educational account about depression, self-harm, anxiety and such. they gave him the assignment to film himself talking about personal experiences, i think they wanted maybe 13 videos or something like that, the theme being ‘death’ (those videos are still up, im unsure if they posted this one as it kind of strayed from the mental health stuff a bit, but i know C has it still). so at this time - maybe september or october? i really dont know exactly when this was, i could probably scroll on their instagram account but im too lazy - he was filming himself a lot. so, he brought up the painting crashing, and filmed us both while demonstrating how it physically could not have moved and crashed down behind the bookcase because of the way it stood on top of it. it would have been one thing if it fell forward, but then it would have landed on its front and fallen in front of the bookcase, probably shattered the glass. but it fell BEHIND it. on camera, you can see my hands pushing on it to demonstrate the way it went down into that snug space inbetween. you would have had to physically push on it, at least a centimeter back, from the front. so for some reason, i get the very random idea to knock on the wall behind it. which means, i stand in the corridor and knock on the corridor wall that divides the bedroom from the hallway. and i swear to god, this is ON FILM. i knock all over the wall and its all concrete - except for THE SPOT EXACTLY BEHIND THE FUCKING PAINTING. the wall is hollow. right behind the painting. where it stood leaned against on the other side. i cant explain why i all of a sudden tried knocking all over the wall, or why the actual fuck there is a hollow square in the middle of the corridor wall, but that really fucked us up. there were just too many weird coincidences, you know.

like, all of this happened, or seemed to be centered around, the corridor. as if our hallway was some nexus for supernatural activity. and with that hollow thing, it was like it was starting to make its way into the bedroom, you know? unsettling.

thankfully, C moved out of there in december and we didnt have to stay there anymore, but i sometimes pass by and think about asking the current tenant or the neighbours if they experienced anything strange. its just so eerie. the mimicking parts were the scariest to me, and i get chills thinking about them and reading it even now.

so, thats my long, long overdue creepy encounter. i am VERY aware i sound insane but, hey. what can i do. i am not one for lying and i know that so thats all that matters tbh. i have other encounters as well, but living in that apartment takes the fucking cake.

[5hfanfiction]

coming out (5/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: things aren’t gonna make sense for a quick second because im doing a time jump in light of the recent events with fifth harmony. this is after the break up. keep this in mind as you read. enjoy, ily xxx.

also, i know i said i’d stop writing camren fan fiction but just because camila has left doesn’t mean i should stop. its what i love to do. in all honesty, i am completely aware of the fact that laucy may be much realer than camren ever was and i respect that relationship and am so glad lucy is making lauren as happy as she seems lately but camren will always be apart of me and i’ll keep writing about it.

to my fellow camren shippers, i know living in your own fantasy may seem nice but please respect the fact that there is an extremely strong possibility that lauren and lucy are dating. it may not be camila but understand that lucy makes lauren happy and at the end of the day, that’s what all of us harmonizers should strive for; our girls and their happiness. who we want them to be with isn’t always who they are meant to be with.

as much as we hate to admit it, they are grown adults who are perfectly capable of making their own choices and know themselves way more than we know them so please in simple respect, stop with the conspiracy theories and just be glad and grateful that our girl has someone special in her life.

when she’s sad, angry, or simply needs a hug and reassurance, keep in mind that lucy may be that person constantly there for her and not camila. camren may have felt/feel real to us but our imagination differs from actual reality. again, keep that in mind when you choose to go to lucy’s page to comment hate towards her. if she’s making lauren smile and feel confident within herself, then she’s doing her fucking job and you are nobody to come in between that.

with that being said, enjoy this chapter and stop being heartless assholes.

Lauren|

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

*24 Hours Earlier*

She loved the beach. It was her safe place… where she went to when the world failed her. The sand comforted her, the waters spoke to her, and the wind, oh the wind was like her best friend. The beach was where she came to when she needed to get away. When she needed to escape the hell they called life.

Pulling her feet up on the bench and bringing her knees up to her chest, she looked out into the distance. All she wanted was to be happy. But it was almost as if happiness was afraid of her.

Her eyes clouded with tears as she thought over the last couple months. Things were so good… her life was literally perfect. She had her dream girl, she had just come out and Fifth Harmony was skyrocketing. Why’d she have to ruin it?

Her heart ached as she thought back to the final spilt that happened that morning. Their label had promised the fans exciting news only for everyone to receive the most dreadful. Dinah found it hard to stay in the group after Camila’s departure. Especially after winning their People’s Choice Award and Camila not being able to come up with them. As Dinah announced her leave, Normani couldn’t find it within her to stay when her heart and soul had just left. The second oldest decided to leave alongside Dinah, pretty much destroying any means of continuing their previously undying but now dying success.

Lately she’s been going over the last four years, wondering if it was even worth it to begin with. Was it worth missing out on being a normal teenager? Was it worth passing up college? Was it worth leaving her brother and sister behind? She always knew Fifth Harmony would break up at some point but she definitely did not think they’d end everything before Little Mix. Her heart felt heavy in her chest as she thought about the British group now being the biggest girl group in the world. That use to be them.

Her mind drifted toward her long time girlfriend whom she hasn’t been able to face since the final break up of Fifth Harmony. Lucy has always been there for Lauren but for some reason she couldn’t even face her. How could she? The Colombian had such high hopes for her. Wanted her and the other girls to be so successful and its almost as if she’d let everyone down.

Her and Ally, being the only two left that had wanted to continue Fifth Harmony were forced to terminate their contract as a group, leaving only their solo contracts. Lauren couldn’t even find any form of motivation within her to continue pursuing music. She always had a reason when her girls were by her side but now… everything was numb. She didn’t want to sing or perform ever again.

She didn’t even realize when the tears had started to flow. They just came, and she couldn’t stop them even if she tried. She didn’t care for the stares of concern she got or the group of teenage girls huddled around not far from her snapping photos. She didn’t care for anything. Her heart hurt. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

She gave up everything. Her family, her education, her normalcy. And for what exactly? To continue a group that wouldn’t even make it to its fifth year? She was suppose to be living the dream right now. Traveling with her best friends doing what they loved; performing. She was suppose to be trying new fancy foods at European restaurants and meeting the fans who always seemed to make the fire in her heart light up in flames. She was suppose to be happy. But nope. Here she was, crying in a random Miami beach wishing to go back to the good old days.

Stressed out by Twenty One Pilots came to mind. “Wish we could turn back time… to the good old days,” she whispered to herself.

Standing up, she decided to leave before she ended up on the cover of some rehab magazine with a crazy headline from the paparazzi. The walk to her car felt like centuries. Her feet felt like stone as they moved slowly across the concrete sidewalk. She just wanted to get home and apologize to her girlfriend while cuddling up to her and wishing things would go back to normal.

***

“Babe, you gotta get up,” someone had waken her up from her sleep. Someone as in Lucy.

Opening one eye, she saw her girlfriends soft eyes staring back at her. She grumbled to herself as she turned on her side and brought the blanket up further over her head. Waking up was the last thing on her mind. She wanted to sleep into a coma where no one would ever hurt her again. Fuck the world. It didn’t treat her kindly anyway. “Go away,” she mumbled into the pillow.

She heard Lucy sigh as she got out of bed. “Okay,” she whispered softly. “Just… come to the kitchen whenever you’re up for it.”

Opening her eyes, her shoulder shrunk back at the sound of her girlfriends voice. “Babe… wait,” she called out. Coming out from her cocoon of blankets, she held out her arms with a sad pout. Turning around, Lucy rose an eyebrow. Lauren huffed as she sat all the way up. “I’m sorry,” she muttered out after a few moments.

Lucy shrugged, “It’s okay. You can go back to bed,” she replied, getting ready to leave again.

“Thats the thing Luce, its not,” her heart thumped in her chest loudly as she ran a tired hand through her hair. Not understanding, Lucy slowly made her way back over to the green eyed and sat at the foot of the bed. Lauren gulped lightly, “It’s not okay.”

“What’s not okay?”

Throwing her hands up in exasperation, she sighed loudly. “Everything,” she cursed herself when she felt her voice crack. “Everything is just so fucked up Lucy. Can you believe all that’s happened in the last few months? I was suppose to be the glue that held everyone together and… I failed a simple fucking job,” she beat herself up. It was an awful habit but she couldn’t help it. “Maybe if I was kinder to Camila she wouldn’t have left,” she thought. “Maybe if I wasn’t such an asshole to her all those months, she wouldn’t have left. If i was just kinder she’d still be here, so will Dinah, Normani and Ally. We’d still be a group… we’d still be sister.”

Lucy sighed softly as she reached over to pull her girlfriend in for a much needed hug. “Listen to be Laur,” she spoke softly near her ear. “No matter what you would’ve done, Camila still would have left. This is not your fault. She was working on solo music since Late January of 2016. That’s way back last year. Her goal was to fuck you guys over. She didn’t even show up to any of the meetings Simon arranged before the final spilt,” Lucy paused as she attempted to gather her thoughts. “Dinah, well you know wherever Camila goes, she’ll follow like a lost puppy. Normani would follow Dinah to the fucking moon. Fifth Harmony died when Camila started keeping secrets and that is not your fault nor will it ever be baby girl. I promise.”

Lauren stayed silent for awhile. She wanted to defend Camila, give her the benefit of the doubt. Hope that Lucy may just have a bad impression with her but deep down she knew it was pretty much true. Her chest felt tight as she thought about it. She tried to hold it in… really, she did. But it just came ripping through her. Her body shook slightly as the first sob escaped her lips. She hated crying, especially over something like this. It was over. Done. So why did it still hurt so much?

Why did she even care? Camila left knowing Lauren hated her. Why was it such a big deal now? Why was she blaming herself for Camila’s own selfishness? She needed to get her shit together; fast.

***

Fresh air. That’s what she needed. Her body felt calm and relaxed as she walked through the streets of Miami. For the first time in awhile, the tight aching in her chest had subsided and a small ounce of contentment took over. A faint smile graced her lips as she finally felt herself for a little while.

Counting each palm tree she passed by in her head, a smile formed on her face. Its been awhile since she smiled. Who knew something as small as walking could make her day.

Looking up, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She probably looked crazy with a dopey grin on her lips while staring up at the sky with her eyes closed but she was happy. Nothing was going to ruin this once in a life time moment for her.

Okay, maybe one thing was. Maybe walking with her head titled up and eyes closed wasn’t the best idea. Her bliss instantly vanished and embarrassment took over as she bumped into someone.

Quickly bringing her head back down and opening her eyes, she got ready to apologize but the words got stuck in her throat as she looked at the person before her. Well, people, before her. One of them caught her eye and the other she’s obviously seen through the media that went even crazier than when she had come out.

Before her stood her former bandmate and her supposed girlfriend Lola McKatie who looked an awful lot like her. Previous contentment and happiness got replaced by anger and sadness. She struggled to speak as her eyes stayed glued on the girl who had dyed her hair an ashy brown color. Her brown eyes popped with the new color and her tan skin looked amazing but Lauren was never going to say that out loud. Or anything for that matter.

Shaking her head, she started to walk around the couple when she felt someone grab her arm and call out her name. Someone as in Camila fucking Cabello.

“Lauren, wait,” her voice sounded almost pleading like.

A sarcastic chuckle fell from her lips as she ripped her arm away, “Don’t fucking touch me again,” she growled out with her back still turned to them.

“Laur-”

“Don’t talk to her like that!”

Turning around, Lauren faced Camila’s new girlfriend. She looked her up and down before chuckling to herself. “Yeah, okay. When you stop looking like a human animation of a Bratz Doll.”

The obvious offense in the girls features amused Lauren. Sighing to herself, she spared Camila and her new girl toy one last glance before walking away. A small wave of relief crashed over her when Camila didn’t try to stop her again.

Taking a deep breath to compose herself, she willed the anger to dissolve. Camila wasn’t worth it; pun intended.

Her heart raced in her chest, her stomach feeling queasy as she thought back to just a few moments ago. It feels like its been so long since she’s last seen her but it was merely a few months. She remembered how her chest contracted when she made eye contact with the former band member. How she almost froze. She never understood why and or how Camila was able to make so many emotions cloud her at once by simply doing nothing. It overwhelmed her.

She just needed to get home and forget that encounter. But of course the universe hated her and stopped at nothing to make her life hell.

“Lauren!” Her body froze at the voice.

Stopping in her tracks, she forced her breathing to even out. Why must you hate me God, she thought to herself.

She had half a mind to continue walking but she knew Camila Cabello did not and will not stop. She felt the anxiety creeping up as she turned around to face the girl who seemed to be alone now.

Brown eyes appeared to be on guard as she slowly approached. Lauren watched as Camila visibly gulped harshly before stopping in front of Lauren.

A small awkward silence passed by as the two former bandmates just stared at each other. Sighing, Lauren spoke, “What do you want Camila?”

“Long time no see I guess,” the small Latina mumbled with a small awkward giggle. When Lauren kept her stone like expression, the giggle died off into awkward silence. “I just uh was around and saw you. How are you?”

“Fine,” Lauren answered shortly. Sighing again, she rubbed her forehead in exhaustion. “Again, what do you want Camila?”

“I just wanted to say hi,” she said quietly.

“Well you’ve said it. Bye,” she turned to walk away again when Camila grabbed her arm for the second time that day. Her body went up in flames as the shaky hand took hold of her arm.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out suddenly. Brown orbs swam with anxiety as they darted back and forth. “For-for leaving like that. Please don’t hate me anymore.”

A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Her green eyes turning stone cold, she ripped her hand out of her former bandmate’s hold. “You don’t even get it!” She shouted. Her body shook with anger and sadness as she started to walk away before being pulled back by the brunette.

“Then let me in Lauren,” sadness swam in the brown orbs as they pleaded with green ones. “You never let me in anymore. Please let me in…” she whispered.

Backing away from the girl, Lauren shook her head. “Camz…”

“Please,” she whispered.

Looking down, Lauren shook her head. “I stopped letting you in when you started shutting me out,” she said softly.

Prying Camila’s hand off her, she walked away.

***

a/n: fuck, this was so hard for me to write. i hope you guys liked it. sorry for the long break, i just needed to understand where i stood since the news and everything. i hope y'all are still with me. what did you think of this chapter? let me know in the comments and don’t forget to vote.

for my tumblr readers, my wattpad is wthbello and you can comment and vote on this story there too if you’d like. also a bomb ass cover ;) follow me there and check out this story there.

thanks so much for reading all of you.

SORRY I DIDNT EDIT!

ellianna, (elli) xxxxxxxxxxx

[cesspool-of-ign0rance]

You

I’ve had this saved in my notes for ages but wanted to save it on here instead.

Tuesday 28th November 2017

Tonight was the first time I met you in person, I was so drawn to you and it felt good to be so comfortable to say we’d never met up before. You made me smile wider than I have in a long time.

Wednesday 29th November 2017

Tonight we kissed for the first time and fuck, I wish it wasn’t as amazing as it was. You’re so feisty and cute I’m glad I got to kiss you. This could be the start of something amazing.

Monday 4th December 2017

Well you’ve just left my house and gone to class. You’ve told me all about your situation with the boys and even though I was listening I couldn’t help staring at how cute you are.

Wednesday 6th December 2017

I got home from Mayo’s in the early hours after you and Stu came to see me at work and then went to candy and Mayo’s. It was such a shame Stu kept coming out cause even though you kept calling me trouble I know you wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted to kiss you. I should probably stop letting myself liking you because every day that passes it’s getting worse.

Tuesday 12th December 2017

Tonight was your Christmas Show and you were absolutely amazing. I’m so glad you invited me to see you perform. I couldn’t help but wonder how much more proud I would’ve been if you were mine. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but you just make my day every day, when I wake up the first thing I want to do is talk to you.

Friday 22nd December 2017

I came to meet up with you, Hannah and your other friend and you were all dressed up Christmassy, but god himself would’ve sinned in his thoughts by seeing you. We spent some time in Sunbridge before work and honestly just spending time with you I can feel myself getting deeper and deeper into this shit. I need to stop myself because why would someone like you ever want a pathetic, depressing little fuck like me.

Sunday 31st December 2017

Yeah there’s no going back now is there? Fuck… To say its New Years and I didn’t come out till 11pm tonight was pretty eventful. 5 minutes before the countdown you were crying cause of that cunt and I had to go outside cause seeing you cry made me hurt and angry. But then an hour later we snuck off downstairs and you kissed me and said “I wish you were my New Year’s kiss instead.” And I really wish it was me too to be honest, I think I’m falling for you and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself.

Saturday 13th January 2018

Tonight we went to see your boys’ play down at the Underground, and I was excited. It meant I got to spend time with you and hear some heavy music, Even if I did feel guilty as fuck for liking their band’s music because of the situation. But things happened and we ended up spending next to no time actually together. You kept fucking off with him and it made me so fucking mad considering he’s fucking stringing you along and you don’t see it. I don’t get it, he couldn’t care less about you yet you whine over him like a lost puppy. Whereas me, well, Id fucking treat you like a Queen cause to me you are nothing short of a beautiful and amazing woman who deserves the absolute best, and I wish you realised with me I wouldn’t stop till you had that.

Sunday 14th January 2018

Well today was interesting. I was being a depressing little fuck all day cause last night I realised I was in love with you, and seeing you with both of them killed me inside. I try so hard to be there for you and make you see that you deserve the best, and I wish I could give that to you, but I know I’m not even close to being the best. I was talking to you about never being wanted and me being alone forever because if it’s not with you I don’t want it. But then you had to go and say something to make me feel even worse about the situation. Telling me that “if things were different you’d snap me up in a heartbeat.” Made me just wish everything was different cause there’s nothing more I want right now than to call you mine.

Tuesday 16th January 2018

I really wish I could believe we are ���just friends”. But “just friends” don’t steal glances at each other. “Just friends” don’t get jealous when the other one talks and meets up with someone else. “Just friends” don’t get butterflies in their stomach when they look you. “Just friends” don’t hold each other like that. “Just friends?” Yeah right.

Wednesday 17th January 2018

I want to spend the rest of my sunsets with you, because I choose you over everyone. I know you wouldn’t choose me but that’s okay. Love isn’t expecting it to be reciprocated, it’s doing it anyway regardless if it is or not.

Thursday 18th January 2018

I wish I could tell you how I feel, I want you so fucking bad, but I daren’t risk everything we have. I want you to be mine, selfishly, thoughtlessly, mine. Because how the fuck can you be “just friends” with someone you want to kiss all the goddamn time?

Friday 19th January 2018

I wish you were out so I could kiss you and confess my love for you and then blame it on the vodka. You, you’re it. You’re all I want. I hate the fact that even when I’ve drank so much that I don’t remember my own name, yours is still carved in my mind like a fucking tattooed.

Saturday 20th January 2018

I’m sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I’m sorry that when you take long to reply, I get sad, I’m sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I’m sorry if I come across as annoying. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. I’m sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I’m sorry if I say things I don’t really mean. I’m sorry if I tell you my pointless drama you don’t really care. I’m sorry if I come across as being clingy, but it’s just me missing you.

Sunday 21st January 2018

I’ve been thinking maybe the reason I keep my feelings to myself is because I cannot find any language to describe them well enough in.

Monday 22nd January 2018

Even on my worst days, you manage to make me smile. That first message every day reminds me of what’s missing in my life, and that’s you being mine.

Tuesday 23rd January 2018

I’m missing you like shit today. I never thought it would hurt so much to miss you, to miss your touch, to miss your face. Fuck you make me feel things I never could imagine, If only I was good enough. But even then I will give you everything I can just to make you happy, even if it kills me. Home is where the heart is, and relentlessly mine is with you.

Wednesday 24th January 2018

I had a dream that we were together last night. Suddenly I prefer sleeping to reality. Loving you is the most exquisite form of self-destruction.

Thursday 25th January 2018

These emotions and feelings are like an infection. I pray into the long hours of the night that it’s you I end up with. You know at night I always imagine you laying here with me, one arm around you and you pressed up against me, it helps me sleep. But I can’t have the real thing so a pillow is how I’ll have to suffice.

Friday 26th January 2018

You always say you brought this upon yourself, in turn how you’re difficult to love. But I don’t think you are difficult to love, Hell I don’t even think you’re hard to love. It’s pretty simple, actually. Once I fell, loving you became easy. Sure, you have your flaws. Sure, you can be annoying at times. But those are all the things I love about you, because it’s what makes you, you. You are unapologetically yourself, and that’s what’s so captivating to me. I love everything about that, and love everything about you.

Saturday 27th January 2018

Tonight we met up for the first time in two weeks. Seeing your face brought me so much joy and made me feel so warm inside so imagine how I felt when you told me you missed me. My insides felt they were on fire with immeasurable affection and admiration for you. We went for a drink and we held hands under the table, I didn’t want that moment to end because in that moment it was just us, you were mine. We looked at each other like we were going to kiss. You make me feel so damn on top of the world but so fucking low at the same time. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it would change everything and I can’t lose you, you mean too much to me now. You make me feel so alive.

Monday 29th January 2018

I wish you knew what you meant to me and how your name plays in my head like a song on repeat when I try to sleep at night. I’ve heard that the only people up at 3am are in love, lonely or drunk, but most of the time now I’m all three. It’s when you realise home isn’t a place, but it’s a person that you’re truly fucked.

Tuesday 30th January 2018

I met up with you in town, and as per usual you tried to make me believe you looked like a tramp. But I wish you saw what I saw when I look at you, cause then you’d understand how I can’t say anything to you cause there’s no words which are good enough. You are a thing of ethereal beauty, even when you say you look trampy. I think you’re stunning all the time regardless but maybe me being in love with you clouds my judgement a bit.

Friday 2nd February 2018

I’ve just got home from work and even though it’s been hours upon hours since we’ve talked yet you’re still the only thing that’s going through my mind. How I’d love to just come home to you and cuddle up and sleep knowing everything’s going to be okay. When I’m with you, you make me feel so fucking safe and like I am home, it breaks my heart when you have to go. I know you’re going through a shit time with your life but neither of those two cunts deserve you in the slightest and I wish you’d just realise that the one who would actually treat you how you need to be is right in front of your eyes, I’m here. I want to just take away all your pain and heartache cause seeing you upset hurts me so much. You mean the world to me and regardless of what anyone says I can’t stop loving you, hell im too deep in now.

[yahoocansuckmyass]

**disclaimer: if you know me in real life, if you have anything to say, just message me on Facebook or whatever, I’m not in danger of myself, just venting about everything in my life at the moment**

only posting bc there’s really no where else for me to vent about anything

i feel so empty, especially the last few days everything feels so bleak and im unable to generate any emotion other than indifference and sadness. i know it will pass and im trying to take care of myself. going to yoga, eating well and shit like that but i don’t have any motivation. jus feels like im outside of my actual body, watching myself do these things without any feeling of accomplishment or enjoyment after.

and my friends feel so far away, maybe im dissociating? i don’t feel like i can open up to anyone without a shitty response from them. best friend has always come to me in times of need but when I come to them it’s like they’re not even listening or really even grasp that im hurting my boyfriend tells me “think about something else” as if i haven’t gone through years of trying that, im not able to change like that my thoughts flip on a dime and when they do I have 2+ other voices yelling at the only part of me trying to help it feels like a minefield. i try to think that im okay and that I can do this but they teller the sound of my breathing is too loud and i get so uncomfortable in my body that i can’t fucking move. it makes me want to tear out my hair and scratch my skin off. (I’ve been self harm free for almost 2 years and these episodes get really hard to handle but at least i haven’t hurt myself other than biting my lip a bit too much on occasion)

and group therapy now costs too much and I can’t even stop by for an hour.

work doesn’t seem to value me either, i have hardly any hours and in turn no money. I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past few days.

it’s so strange being stuck in this place where im taking care of myself and doing the things i need to and still being so detached and unmotivated. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. everything feels off.

not to mention my home life is just me waking up and already being yelled at for something I don’t even know about, it’s like I could open my eyes the wrong way and get scolded for it. she asks me if im okay and I try to say what’s wrong and she reverts back to “but im hurting too” why even bother asking me if you’re going to just talk about yourself

im never being taken seriously. the only time that i think even my group therapy took me seriously is when i sliced up my arm I remember they were talking about a girl and how “brave she was for being able to show her cuts in the open and talk about them to the group” meanwhile when I talked about my cuts but never showed them, I was almost brushed off. I had cuts that I could fit my fucking hand into, and they didn’t. Even. Believe me.

now I know this post is long and jumpy and inconsistent, and I don’t really care if anyone reads it, but if you do, I’m sorry for the jumping around. I haven’t been able to talk about anything to anyone in a long time. at least not really, not without the making it a competition and telling me it could be worse or saying some people have REAL problems as if my brain doesn’t tell me to drive off the road or cut a vein and bleed out or drown myself in the lake out back.

though I don’t harm myself, though I can keep it together and appear so happy and fine, I still think of suicide every day and it hurts to think about all of the people I’d destroy. and as reassurance, no i won’t kill myself. im not going to let my progress end like that, i know I have good things in my life, im just going through a hard time. high functioning mental illness is something else man.

the past few days have left me so out of it especially. they’ve been the worst. Saturday was a decent day up until my mom left to go out for the night. I was left alone with my thoughts, and then those thoughts blurred out into nothing. just alone. no energy. no motivation. no one to talk to. just emptiness. I walked from room to room without a sound, just to lay down and stare at a wall or ceiling for an hour at a time. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. just was there. finally i got up and just fucking bawled my eyes out, thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded me, I felt so fucking depressed it was like a tidal wave was trying to drown any ounce of sanity i had left. some scars I had forgotten about found their way back to the surface of my neck and boy for some reason that fucked me up, i forgot I even cut my neck, it brought back that sharp hot pain and all the sensations that run through your body. it was terrible, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. and finally I reached out to my cousin, though she had plans, she offered to come get me and hang out at my place with her friend and boyfriend and thank fucking god i did, I would’ve been a mess if she hadn’t. im glad I didn’t try to cancel on her either. my boyfriend was supposed to stay over but ended up cancelling that night too. and he was supposed to come over today. slept through us hanging out. people tend to treat my schedule as if it’s something they can erase and write in a later time or date with no consequences. and gaslight me for being upset about it. All I ever ask for is communication, that’s it. Talk to me, I won’t be upset, but if you lie to me, that’s a slap in the face. I don’t understand how I can literally tell you “it’s fine if you don’t want to hang out or talk, but you need to let me know asap so I can adjust my plans” and you still lie to my face or just disregard me completely. I’ve had people tell me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to get them “nah sorry fam” and that’s it. Only to find out they made better plans and are posting about it all over the place.

it’s fucking shitty. everything has been shitty. I can’t afford food or anything for that matter, my friends aren’t really even there, my boyfriends always busy doing whatever he does, my mom doesn’t listen to a damn word I have to say, my work doesn’t feel like home anymore (I used to LOVE going to work and getting to make people feel beautiful and talk about new shit and now it feels like a chore, I’m not treated like a valued employee anymore rather than disposable).

all i can do is continue to exist in this cycle of high function dissociation.

next topic on miahs 5 years of nothing talked about post: self love vs self hatred

as i said before, im actually taking care of myself. I’ve had hip bursitis for years now that has turned me into a borderline cripple with excruciating pain at almost all times of the day, and this is another thing that people don’t take seriously. my mom calls me a hypochondriac and that it’s not that bad, everyone just…dismisses it i guess? regardless, this is a thing that’s impaired me during my daily life and it’s only added on to the various health issues that make it hard to feel healthy and love my body.

I’ve always been critical of myself, specifically my appearance. I’ve made lists of things I hate about myself. I’ve had people contribute to this, but it’s not anyone’s fault that I did the things I did to myself except my own. 3 years ago I graduated high school at my highest weight and met a person who would end up being my inspiration to losing weight the wrong ways. we were both entirely toxic to each other and I ended up using laxatives and throwing up, and not eating and working out excessively to lose 70lbs in less than 6 months. the only problem is that I didn’t see a change in my weight, i felt like I was just as fat, just as disgusting as when I started. it was obsessive for me to lose weight. and everyone congratulated me on the success I’ve had. until cosmetology school where I ended up gaining all of it back due to lack of time for exercise and heavy depression and my hip problems. (also congrats if you’re still reading this, im not entirely sure when ill stop writing) i felt like I failed myself, and every time I tried to adjust my diet I’d just end up not eating and it scared me, I didn’t want to be back to that place. I didn’t want to feel like that again. (Today, I’m actually doing well with my diet and sticking to it in baby steps so I don’t overwhelm myself) granted I still feel guilty every time a crumb of food enters my mouth, I have this weird paranoia that everyone is watching when I eat and that all they think is that I’m fat and of course I’d be eating now. and that’s why I can’t be the only one who eats when I’m with friends, everyone needs to eat so I don’t feel so disgusting I guess?

the few months after I stopped cutting and shit were hard but i was in a pretty good mind set, I think January 2016 was the best I’ve ever been, but as expected it didn’t last. and don’t get me wrong, i cherish the fuck out of the good times I have in my life, I’m not some dick that dismisses all of the good things and just says im a basket case with no hope or friends. I love the people in my life with all of my heart, and I love the good times we have and the good things that happen. but I’ve never been able to discuss and move past all of the bad things. it seems like I’m being told to just push it back farther and farther because they don’t want to have to deal with it right now. and i could be wrong, and for some of those people I am wrong. but again, their responses to whenever I do open up are disheartening, and some don’t mean to come off that way but it persists. which makes me question why do I even bother. see, this a good platform for me to vent because it’s just that, I don’t need anyone to reply and say sorry or tell me I’m wrong, it’s just here and I got it out. that’s all I’ve been trying to do.

I’ve really never wanted any advice, i know what I need to do and what’s right and what’s wrong, its an ongoing battle for me, and I just needed someone to listen. and that never happened, there was always competitive comparisons, always criticism, always gaslighting, always dismissive. And maybe it’s because when I actually try to TALK, I freeze up and can’t say what I need to in the right way. but still! More than half the time I open up, I just get more reasons to shut back down. back to self love and shit (sorry), I’m trying to love myself despite what it sounds like. just because a big part of me only holds dislike for myself, doesn’t mean there isn’t a part that just wants to love. it’s just been years of these expectations and standards forced down my throat to the point where quite honestly, I’m fucking confused I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

I’m not gonna get into relationships for the soul fact that I could go on for days about them and this is post is way longer than I anticipated already SO. That’ll be another day (probably tonight since I’m to the point of just not giving a fuck and dishing out every emotion I’ve felt in the last 5 years)

and again back to self love, lately, i don’t weigh myself because I know that if I do, I’ll get depressed and obsessive again and I really can’t deal with it now. I hate my stomach first and foremost. that’s literally the main thing that I just want to cut off my fucking body. i half the time can’t even look at myself because I’ll just get stuck in one of those fuck you miah states. and to address something real *quick*, I don’t need the, “well stop complaining and do something about it” BITCH I AM. I am actually doing everything for it!! but my shitty brain doesn’t let me see progress, for all i know I could have lost 30 lbs and still think I look exactly the same (and part of the reason why I chose yoga was because it all stems from your core so it’s always engaged…and it’s hot yoga so I sweat out at least a pound every time I go, and I went every day last week) i dunno why I can never see positive changes, but when I lost all that weight back in 2014, I didn’t even go down a bra size, let alone pant size and that really fucked me up. It was weird having people compliment me and say how good i looked but still felt the same size. I don’t get it, I could see the numbers go down but my eyes never saw a damn change on myself. Imagine losing 100lbs and still being the same pant size. And I did think we’ll maybe it’s because I still hated myself and was losing weight in an u healthy way but even now with me doin all these great things for my body, I see no change at all. I jus wanna be healthy now, not skinny.

^^talking about my body is my least favorite thing to do so if you have anything to say about it please just don’t, I’m jus here to get this shit off my chest.

I think im just about done, currently brainstorming to see if I missed anything or if I want to touch back on certain things. All that’s left I think is relationships?? So maybe I will write a bit about it? ….I wrote about it then deleted all of it because without going into brutal detail there’s no reason for it to be shoved into this.

I’m pretty sure I’m finished, I may or may not ever check back in here to update or whatever. I guess we’ll see.

If you made it to the end, congrats you spent 15 to 25 minutes reading an absolute mess of a post. Hopefully you could keep up with all my jumping around.

[cesspool-of-ign0rance]

You

I've had this saved in my notes for ages but wanted to save it on here instead.

Tuesday 28th November 2017

Tonight was the first time I met you in person, I was so drawn to you and it felt good to be so comfortable to say we’d never met up before. You made me smile wider than I have in a long time.

Wednesday 29th November 2017

Tonight we kissed for the first time and fuck, I wish it wasn’t as amazing as it was. You’re so feisty and cute I’m glad I got to kiss you. This could be the start of something amazing.

Monday 4th December 2017

Well you’ve just left my house and gone to class. You’ve told me all about your situation with the boys and even though I was listening I couldn’t help staring at how cute you are.

Wednesday 6th December 2017

I got home from Mayo’s in the early hours after you and Stu came to see me at work and then went to candy and Mayo’s. It was such a shame Stu kept coming out cause even though you kept calling me trouble I know you wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted to kiss you. I should probably stop letting myself liking you because every day that passes it’s getting worse.

Tuesday 12th December 2017

Tonight was your Christmas Show and you were absolutely amazing. I’m so glad you invited me to see you perform. I couldn’t help but wonder how much more proud I would’ve been if you were mine. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but you just make my day every day, when I wake up the first thing I want to do is talk to you.

Friday 22nd December 2017

I came to meet up with you, Hannah and your other friend and you were all dressed up Christmassy, but god himself would’ve sinned in his thoughts by seeing you. We spent some time in Sunbridge before work and honestly just spending time with you I can feel myself getting deeper and deeper into this shit. I need to stop myself because why would someone like you ever want a pathetic, depressing little fuck like me.

Sunday 31st December 2017

Yeah there’s no going back now is there? Fuck… To say its New Years and I didn’t come out till 11pm tonight was pretty eventful. 5 minutes before the countdown you were crying cause of that cunt and I had to go outside cause seeing you cry made me hurt and angry. But then an hour later we snuck off downstairs and you kissed me and said “I wish you were my New Year’s kiss instead.” And I really wish it was me too to be honest, I think I’m falling for you and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself.

Saturday 13th January 2018

Tonight we went to see your boys’ play down at the Underground, and I was excited. It meant I got to spend time with you and hear some heavy music, Even if I did feel guilty as fuck for liking their band’s music because of the situation. But things happened and we ended up spending next to no time actually together. You kept fucking off with him and it made me so fucking mad considering he’s fucking stringing you along and you don’t see it. I don’t get it, he couldn’t care less about you yet you whine over him like a lost puppy. Whereas me, well, Id fucking treat you like a Queen cause to me you are nothing short of a beautiful and amazing woman who deserves the absolute best, and I wish you realised with me I wouldn’t stop till you had that.

Sunday 14th January 2018

Well today was interesting. I was being a depressing little fuck all day cause last night I realised I was in love with you, and seeing you with both of them killed me inside. I try so hard to be there for you and make you see that you deserve the best, and I wish I could give that to you, but I know I’m not even close to being the best. I was talking to you about never being wanted and me being alone forever because if it’s not with you I don’t want it. But then you had to go and say something to make me feel even worse about the situation. Telling me that “if things were different you’d snap me up in a heartbeat.” Made me just wish everything was different cause there’s nothing more I want right now than to call you mine.

Tuesday 16th January 2018

I really wish I could believe we are “just friends”. But “just friends” don’t steal glances at each other. “Just friends” don’t get jealous when the other one talks and meets up with someone else. “Just friends” don’t get butterflies in their stomach when they look you. “Just friends” don’t hold each other like that. “Just friends?” Yeah right.

Wednesday 17th January 2018

I want to spend the rest of my sunsets with you, because I choose you over everyone. I know you wouldn’t choose me but that’s okay. Love isn’t expecting it to be reciprocated, it’s doing it anyway regardless if it is or not.

Thursday 18th January 2018

I wish I could tell you how I feel, I want you so fucking bad, but I daren’t risk everything we have. I want you to be mine, selfishly, thoughtlessly, mine. Because how the fuck can you be “just friends” with someone you want to kiss all the goddamn time?

Friday 19th January 2018

I wish you were out so I could kiss you and confess my love for you and then blame it on the vodka. You, you’re it. You’re all I want. I hate the fact that even when I’ve drank so much that I don’t remember my own name, yours is still carved in my mind like a fucking tattooed.

Saturday 20th January 2018

I’m sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I’m sorry that when you take long to reply, I get sad, I’m sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I’m sorry if I come across as annoying. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. I’m sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I’m sorry if I say things I don’t really mean. I’m sorry if I tell you my pointless drama you don’t really care. I’m sorry if I come across as being clingy, but it’s just me missing you.

Sunday 21st January 2018

I’ve been thinking maybe the reason I keep my feelings to myself is because I cannot find any language to describe them well enough in.

Monday 22nd January 2018

Even on my worst days, you manage to make me smile. That first message every day reminds me of what’s missing in my life, and that’s you being mine.

Tuesday 23rd January 2018

I’m missing you like shit today. I never thought it would hurt so much to miss you, to miss your touch, to miss your face. Fuck you make me feel things I never could imagine, If only I was good enough. But even then I will give you everything I can just to make you happy, even if it kills me. Home is where the heart is, and relentlessly mine is with you.

Wednesday 24th January 2018

I had a dream that we were together last night. Suddenly I prefer sleeping to reality. Loving you is the most exquisite form of self-destruction.

Thursday 25th January 2018

These emotions and feelings are like an infection. I pray into the long hours of the night that it’s you I end up with. You know at night I always imagine you laying here with me, one arm around you and you pressed up against me, it helps me sleep. But I can’t have the real thing so a pillow is how I’ll have to suffice.

Friday 26th January 2018

You always say you brought this upon yourself, in turn how you’re difficult to love. But I don’t think you are difficult to love, Hell I don’t even think you’re hard to love. It’s pretty simple, actually. Once I fell, loving you became easy. Sure, you have your flaws. Sure, you can be annoying at times. But those are all the things I love about you, because it’s what makes you, you. You are unapologetically yourself, and that’s what’s so captivating to me. I love everything about that, and love everything about you.

Saturday 27th January 2018

Tonight we met up for the first time in two weeks. Seeing your face brought me so much joy and made me feel so warm inside so imagine how I felt when you told me you missed me. My insides felt they were on fire with immeasurable affection and admiration for you. We went for a drink and we held hands under the table, I didn’t want that moment to end because in that moment it was just us, you were mine. We looked at each other like we were going to kiss. You make me feel so damn on top of the world but so fucking low at the same time. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it would change everything and I can’t lose you, you mean too much to me now. You make me feel so alive.

Monday 29th January 2018

I wish you knew what you meant to me and how your name plays in my head like a song on repeat when I try to sleep at night. I’ve heard that the only people up at 3am are in love, lonely or drunk, but most of the time now I’m all three. It’s when you realise home isn’t a place, but it’s a person that you’re truly fucked.

Tuesday 30th January 2018

I met up with you in town, and as per usual you tried to make me believe you looked like a tramp. But I wish you saw what I saw when I look at you, cause then you'd understand how I can't say anything to you cause there's no words which are good enough. You are a thing of ethereal beauty, even when you say you look trampy. I think you're stunning all the time regardless but maybe me being in love with you clouds my judgement a bit.

Friday 2nd February 2018

I've just got home from work and even though it's been hours upon hours since we've talked yet you're still the only thing that's going through my mind. How I'd love to just come home to you and cuddle up and sleep knowing everything's going to be okay. When I'm with you, you make me feel so fucking safe and like I am home, it breaks my heart when you have to go. I know you're going through a shit time with your life but neither of those two cunts deserve you in the slightest and I wish you'd just realise that the one who would actually treat you how you need to be is right in front of your eyes, I'm here. I want to just take away all your pain and heartache cause seeing you upset hurts me so much. You mean the world to me and regardless of what anyone says I can't stop loving you, hell im too deep in now.