#sorry to any israeli followers that have to learn about how fucked up things are

[kick-a-long]

sorry for the long post but ...

well considering how much republicans were amplifying and repeating various antisemitic conspiracy theories i would say that they are not unlike the nazis. the great replacement is one to one with hitlers theory that jews were the puppeteers and funders of queer and poc and immigrant rights movements. that they were coming to "replace" aryan germans or in america's case "true patriotic americans." (aryan is confusing because it's referring to south and east asian groups?)

nazis also resented groups they deemed "weak" or "deformed" like the disabled and the mentally ill. things that republicans outright complain about (at least since the 80s with wellfare queens and refusing to support obamacare universal payer healthcare. as well as dismantling socialized mental health care in the 70s which ..just... thanks again Ron Reagan gov of california in the 60s and 70s for all the serial killers that ran around unchecked.) the nazis used wealthy jewish elites as the excuse but notice how republicans use the dog whistle "wealthy democratic elites" or "wealthy globalists" the second one including the "rootless cosmopolitan" antisemetic theory, but cosmopolitan as a phrase meant lived in the city as well as being educated. sound familiar to the snobby blue cities the conservatives are mad at?

now this is nazis before hitler came to power, about mid 1920? to at least 1930s.

jews were the main target but they were also used to explain how "inferior" races were becoming successful and also why the economic collapse was not the fault of the wealthy generally but a handful of spoiled richy riches who were too decadent and using minority groups as pawns. you know... the (((jews)))

in my opinion, knowing the factors that lead up to the holocaust, the only difference between america and germany (in the retoric being thrown around at least) is that because we have religious freedom in the US as our first and highest principle of law it's basically legally impossible to target jews for being jewish. they would have to figure out ways to target jews, a varied group who don't share the same types of last names and who have to voluntarily register themselves as jews, without identifying jews or infringing on their religion. germany had no problems saying jews couldn't be students or teachers or saying they had to live in restricted areas and wear identifying cloths. america can't pass laws like that. unless you look at "constitutional originalism" which all the conservatives on the supreme court use, which could easily be used to say "the framers of the constitution only meant freedom of religion for the different kinds of christians which were around at the time of the framing is 1776." which is bunk because there were lots of different religions in america even in 1776, like say native religions as well as jews and everything else.

this is why legislative racial/queer discrimination in america is much more common. you can target black communities and hispanic communities and lgbt communities and urban communities much more easily by backdooring laws that target things they share as a community including where they live and their lifestyle. it is easier to hire cops and direct school funding away from and halt community investment in... communities of color and sexual/gender minorities.

all this to say... that while the republicans do mirror nazi beliefs that jews and jewish ideologies (cultural tolerance, letting people do their own thing, be open to immigration, humanistic and ethical response to communities in crisis especially if those communities are allowed to self determine, and free discussion of ideas/ varying opinions) are being weaponized by a shadowy cabal of jews and jewish allies. they very very obviously do. they are not full hitler WW2 nazis at this time.

the holocaust was the final act and goal of nazi ideology. after every last jew was dead they would have planned to cull any "jewish like" groups. they probably would have ended up enslaving more than half the population. by enslaving i mean literally worked them to death with no food, shelter, or life outside of generating the ever increasing amount of money they would need to sustain themselves. any dark haired men and women. anyone with the wrong skull shape. eugenics is a cess pit, a pyramid scheme of sorts, that only ends when enough people next in line to be culled say no. my personal favorite factoid about the eugenics movement in America (around the late 1800s) is that eugenists estimated there were only about 4% of the total us population that was good enough to breed.

America isn't going the way of the nazis as long as the first amendment holds and as long as there is "strict scrutiny" of racial bias and "scrutiny" of sexual bias. it's important to note however, that one of our supreme court justice is flying a christian nationalism flag outside more than one of his houses. you know christian nationalism? the one that wants to make america a "christian" state where christian religious laws are held above any others and ideally the country would exist as a christian ethnostate? convert or perish kind of thing.

so that said. yeah. republicans are very much aspiring nazis.

don't worry tho. the left in America is aspiring to become stalinists and moaists so they can fix the country just like the ussr and the moa fixed russia and china to have utopian societies where everyone can speak their minds and is taken care of by the government and has political determination and can be gay or a different ethnicity or feel safe in their free government provided housing.

and they also hate jews.

it's going to be fine because there are divided regions that can go their own way and keep their laws of the land as crazy or sane as they like. plus all of this would take more years to put into motion than the orange shit head has left on earth. IMO

I am taking the word "nazi" away from goyim until they realise JEWS CANNOT BE FUCKING NAZIS.

Not all fascist white guys™️ are nazis!!!! Stop claiming our oppression as your own!!!!!!!!!

Trump is not a nazi. Desantis is not a nazi. Whoever the fuck else on that category is not a nazi. Nazis are people that went after mainly and mostly JEWS. Republican/conservative/whatever DOES NOT EQUAL NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether or not you agree with zionism, ZIONISTS. CANNOT. BE. NAZIS.

Because of the simple fact they are jews.

And the nazis? They went AFTER JEWS. Before anyone else.

Unless you also wanna start calling Black People You Don't Like KKK members, fucking stop.

[clarabosswald]

I've been reading your posts about the Israel-Palestine issue and I'm messaging you without going on anon to show that I have a genuine desire to understand. You've said you don't support apartheid and you're not a zionist so I want to ask why you believe the issue is that complicated, and get your genuine response. I'm from Pakistan, a country created in the name of religious protection and it has been at the helm of several genocides and displacements to this day. I lived in South Africa where the settler population coexists after the abolition of apartheid. I'm now a settler in Canada and I support the fight for land back and the dissolution of the colonial state even as I reside in it because I would prefer to be welcomed on this land after Indigenous sovereignty has been returned. I am just curious if you really do feel such an attachment to Israel's existence knowing that from its conception it has been a settler colonial apartheid state. Certainly Netanyahu has worsened it but the ethnic cleansing, ghettoization, displacement, imprisonment without grounds, and torture of Palestinians has been ongoing for decades. I do believe that most people currently advocating for Palestine's liberation and the dissolution of Israel as a state don't want to kill or even displace all Israelis, there is just an understanding that Israel's existence depends on the subjugation of Palestinians. And as for Hamas, most people would not want Hamas as a governing body but Israel has backed all Palestinian resistance efforts especially peaceful ones into such a corner that at this point Hamas is like any violent resistance force such as the ones in Ireland, Algeria, Haiti, Vietnam or elsewhere. Would you disagree that the violence they enact is rooted in Israeli violence? Decades of brutal oppression can only lead to radicalization in this way. I hope that you will understand I'm genuinely trying to gain your perspective on these issues and not trying to attack you. This situation is personal to me because the loss of lives is heartbreaking and I've lived in so many countries where violence not only paints the history but the present and I wish we lived in a world where borders and militaries did not exist. But I've come to learn that unfortunately peace is often achieved when there is violent resistance to oppression.

I already sent follow up direct messages so I'm SO SORRY for spamming you but I guess I'm nervous about you misreading my tone since it's easy to do that online and people have attacked you regarding all this. I just want to reiterate I make no claims to knowing everything and certainly not to knowing you and your allegiances or politics. I can tell you care about people and that's why I want to have a genuine conversation, if you'll engage with me

hi - first of all, you seem to be coming with good faith and nowadays that's not obvious at all, so thank you for that

the first thing i want to address is that yes, i'm not a zionist. at the same time i've got no fucking idea what constitutes "zionism" in western eyes at this point in time. but i don't believe jewish people have got some super special holy right of "owning" israeli lands or whatever, just because they're jewish and it's the people's ~promised land~. that's zionism how i understand it. and i don't believe in that because i'm a secular (non-believing) jew.

"why you believe the issue is that complicated" is a question that on the one hand seems extremely weird to me, and on the other hand... really makes complete sense. i say that it's complicated because there are literally decades upon decades at the very least of history behind the events that started on october 7th. and i've found that westerners seem to be desperate for some easy-to-digest, eli-5 version of it. they want fairytale morality where they can say that one side is 100% good and the other side is 100% evil. they don't want to think, to have mental/moral struggles. i think it's... naive at best, to expect something that involves decades/centuries of history and millions upon millions of people, to be that simple.

"I am just curious if you really do feel such an attachment to Israel's existence" - because it's where i was born, where my family was born, where my friends were born, the only place i've ever lived in. it's my home. it's hot and humid, the people are often rude and inconsiderate, every time it rains there's a stupid amount of flooding in the streets... and it's the only home i've ever known. is that really that hard to understand?

"I do believe that most people currently advocating for Palestine's liberation and the dissolution of Israel as a state don't want to kill or even displace all Israelis" - you know, i believe so too. that's why it's so flabbergasting to see many of the same people repeat the speaking points of different organizations that for many years have called for exactly the killing/displacement of all israelis (or at least all the jewish ones). the absolute lack of critical thinking and source-checking is infuriating. or just... the general ignorance. 99% of the people who are involved in the recent protests have probably never even heard of hamas before october 7th. honestly, considering what i've seen and heard, some of them probably still are ignorant of its existence. for fuck's sake, i've seen people think that the gaza strip is the west bank because it's located to the west.

"And as for Hamas, most people would not want Hamas as a governing body but Israel has backed all Palestinian resistance efforts especially peaceful ones into such a corner that at this point Hamas is like any violent resistance force such as the ones in Ireland, Algeria, Haiti, Vietnam or elsewhere." - can you give examples to the most recent peaceful palestinian efforts? the most recent attempt at the peace process i can think of off the top of my head is the oslo accords... possibly camp david? and i assume i don't need to explain what those were and what happened after them? but i might be missing something more recent. your mentions of other locations in the world are an excellent shout because i do believe the israeli-palestinian conflict is nothing like them. i do believe it's a unique conflict in global terms. i do think the ongoing comparisons in the west to other historical conflicts is part of the same western attempts to simplify it and make it more palatable (?) to the western audience.

"Would you disagree that the violence they enact is rooted in Israeli violence?" - to be as thorough about it as i can? no, i don't, because this (arab-jewish tensions/clashes/violence in the region of palestina/palstine/israel) goes way before the state of israel was declared. at the same time i think this is infantilizing towards palestinians. neither side's violence is just reactionary or devoid of responsibility and choice.

"Decades of brutal oppression can only lead to radicalization in this way." - what's maddening to me about this specific argument point is that the exact same thing can be said of israelis in particular and jewish people worldwide in general. (my point being that i do not accept any kind of excuse for violence against civilians and innocents, anywhere.)

"This situation is personal to me because the loss of lives is heartbreaking and I've lived in so many countries where violence not only paints the history but the present" - i appreciate your sympathy and sense of personal connection. from my perspective i can tell that since october 7th i've had to start paying a lot less attention/ignoring western opinions, or i'd have gone mad weeks ago. (not just as a form of speech. i'm so thankful for going back to therapy a few months ago.) it probably started back when i started following the russian invasion of ukraine. i've seen western reactions to the suffering of the ukrainian people and there was something very... disconnected, about those reactions. i realized that you can't... just make someone understand what it's like to live under rocket/missle/drone fire. the sound of them hitting around you. or exploding overhead. feeling the shockwave hit your body while you hide in shelter and can only hope that the roulette won't land on you this time because it was, 100% directed at you and your family and friends, at civilians, openly and unapologetically. to live in war in your own home. it's the exact same now with the current war (which is far from being the first war i've lived through). i've reached the conclusion that the only opinion that really mattes is that of palestinians and israelis. the rest just cannot begin to comprehend.

"But I've come to learn that unfortunately peace is often achieved when there is violent resistance to oppression." - and after over 75 years of violence (if we're only counting since the establishment of israel, which, i repeat, is really not the starting point of any of this, neither is the current war since october 7th), where did that get us? what did that achieve?

to which i can segue to one of my main opinions: the whole reason this conflict has been going on for so long, and only gets worse, is because more importance is being given to the past than to the future. the heads of both israeli and palestinian leaderships are stuck in the past and up their own assholes (either alternatively or at the same time, it's a true biological miracle). the only thing that will truly make a change is when people will realize that the wheels can't be turned back and we can't replicate what used to be. the only way to create a sustainable and peaceful future for both israelis and palestinians would be to give up the glorification of the past. but to be clear, i'm well aware that i'm an idealist and the chances of my ideals actually happening are nonexistent.

this post is long enough as is but i want to touch on a few more points and attempt to paint a slightly more complete picture here.

the old yishuv (if you're interested, the hebrew version of this wiki article is a lot more comprehensive, and google translate should do a good enough job on it)

Expulsions and exoduses of Jews

Jewish exodus from the Muslim world

Mizrahi Jews in Israel

Ethiopian Jews in Israel

Arab citizens of Israel

The Hamas Networks in America: A Short History

fuck bibi, fuck ben gvir, fuck smotrich, fuck levin, fuck their coalition of religious nutjobs and rightwing extremists, fuck the west bank settlers, fuck jewish terrorism, fuck jewish supremacy.

[kick-a-long]

my pronouns are actually in my bio btw no need to misgender 👍 would also prefer if you didnt call me a race faking jew but what can i expect from zionists ? yall have the same unoriginal shit every time. check the notes of that post and youll see a buncha people claiming im not jewish. it makes you so mad other jews dont hate palestinians like you do that you jump straight into grief and denial lmfao

I didn’t mean to misgender. I didn’t look. That I’m sorry for. I didn’t mean to but I should have looked, that was an honest mistake.

Calling you a fake Jew however I think it’s worth a conversation. I knew it was a low blow and I meant to do it.

You said that it makes sense for a Zionist to assume any antizionist Jew isn’t Jewish. But by saying, well all Zionists are X why does that make my saying, all antizionist Jews are faking, which I did heavily imply, I 100% did that, a rude thing to do? Both these things are rude unkind and unthoughtful generalizations. We shouldn’t do that to other people, just like we shouldn’t blame problems on the people suffering them. I’m talking antisemitism and antizionism.

You can’t really say “how dare you be rude!” When you started being rude to a Jew I follow. I defended them because I could. That said, we are both fucked because our family line, a thing we didn’t choose, has put all Jews in a place where we have to have an opinion.

I should feel safe to say, I think Israel should exist and they aren’t genocidal (backed up with evidence I find and my thoughts) that same way you should be able to say “I don’t think Israel should exist” in a synagogue (backed up by evidence and arguments you have) and both of us should be safe to talk about that.

I was mad and gave you a low blow I felt you deserved. Did you deserve it? Idk. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I was raised hyper secular so my connection to being a Jew was almost entirely cultural and ethnic fear. I’ve been called a fake Jew by Jews and it hurts like a kick to the nuts. I intended to hurt you whether you merited it. I don’t know if I’m sorry yet. I think I understand where you are coming from. I was really pissed I had to know anything about Israel to live where I live in south Brooklyn frankly, I’m glad I learned and have made a bunch of Israeli friends who have a different experience from me that makes my life better but still, it shouldn’t have involved me because I’m a ny Jew who never planned to know. I have many interests and the whole thing is such a winding cluster fuck I was happy to be comfortable and dumb.

All this to say, I don’t like you being an asshole to me or Zionists and I hope you don’t love being an asshole either. Why don’t you consider coming round a ceasefire between you and Zionists? From my perspective Jews and Zionists are inseparable. You don’t agree which you might have reasons for I don’t know but if you go low I won’t argue. I’ll go lower. I’m not asking for agreement, I’m saying that inter community shit flinging serves no one.

If there’s dialogue to be had this isn’t doing it. That’s my full opinion. I’m angry at 2023 and 2024 and I’m happy to punch anyone about it, I don’t think that’s the best coping mechanism (but it feels good so fuck it right?)

I think you’re mad at other Jews because you’re being lumped in and being born Jewish has gotten you in a bad situation. I might be wrong about that but I’m right that you are attacking the wrong people, people you can avoid and people whose thinking has nothing to do with you, to prove you aren’t an evil person from birth. People who have seen bigotry and people who don’t deserve to be attacked or judged for how they are coping.

Don’t piss on my leg and say it’s raining, the reason you and I are in conflict has nothing to do with us as people and everything to do with being Jewish and goy opinions about that. Idk what else to say.

[saintheartwing]

I Want To Get Across My Feelings Honestly about the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict Right Now

Years ago, I was basically entirely "fuck Israel" because I hated Benjamin Netanyahu, I didn't like the Israeli government, and I thought they were oppressive towards the Palestinian people.

When the current war broke out, I began to feel more sympathy TOWARDS the Israelis, especially when I started doing more research into the conflict, going through books from people like Judith Butler to Benny Morris and beyond. I even went to the basics like "The Complete Idiots Guide To The Middle East Conflict". I learned a lot from such books, including how the conflict wasn't as simple as I'd originally thought it was.

But I kept running into a problem. Over and over again on Tumblr, on Twitter, on social media, I'd see post after post after post shitting on Israel, Jews, the Israeli govt, and it seemed there wasn't ANY real criticism from many of the leftist accounts I followed of the current Palestinian government, Hamas, for how they behaved. And no, I don't think going "but Hamas" is illegitimate. Because Hamas is the other side of the conflict and has hostages right now, including quite a few children and babies.

I believe there shouldn't be ANY settlements in the West Bank and Gaza either. There are going to have to be big land give backs to the Palestinians in the end, and I think that nations like Jordan, Egypt, the USA are going to have to step in in order to make things get better. Along with, frankly, war crime investigations into Israel. And I'd like to see Netanyahu in jail.

But the thing is, Hamas HAS to go. They cannot be trusted to operate in good faith. And I kept seeing people on Twitter continuing to ignore this basic point. Along with the fact that I would ask the question of "but Israel's agreed to this ceasefire to get hostages back and Hamas has refused, why aren't you more angry Hamas won't make a deal when it basically has no leverage BUT the hostages, which the taking of is a war crime itself"? It just kept seeming like a double standard.

That doesn't, however, mean I want Israel to keep bombing. Because the longer the war went on, the more clear it became the Israeli troops kept fucking up. When they ended up killing three hostages by accident, even though evidently one of the commanders was yelling "Stop it, stop firing" at the soldiers, when they started shooting at that church, and now the recent aid truck bombings make it clear the war's been going on so long they're tossing aside ANY calculus whatsoever to keep civilians safe. So that's why I can't in good conscience keep supporting the Israeli cause the way I did.

I also want to advertise this Gofundme.

I'm going to be giving money to it on Thursday, I'll update the tumblr post here when I do. That's when my paycheck comes in. I'm advertising this and donating because I hope it will make some difference. And also, because I genuinely feel sorry for how I've behaved so far. It's also a message not just to all of you, asking for help and hoping it'll get to the family in time, but to a certain someone who's artwork on DeviantArt, Tumblr and Twitter I followed and loved for a long time, but I'm not going to name them because I don't want them to get any flak, harassment, or mistreatment. I want to do this not for gain of any kind, but to say I'm sorry I broke your trust. I hope one day you can forgive me.

[xclowniex]

I would like to take a swing.

Adding onto your 6th point, there was a literal experiment done by Stanly Milgram on following orders. He theorized that Nazi Soliders following Nazi authority was a uniquely Germain trait. Milgram soon found out that following orders even if it harms someone was not a German trait. Here is a quote from his findings, "The extreme willingness of adults to go to almost any lengths on the command of an authority constitutes the chief finding of the study and the fact most urgently demanding explanation"

As you can see, it is not about ethinicty, religion or nationality. Humans follow orders from those with percieved authority. You can learn more about the experiment here.

I dunno about you but most jews outside of Israel do not look up to the IDF or the Israeli Government as authority figures. Fuck there are even Israeli Citizens, both jewish and non jewish, who do not think of the Israeli government as an authority figure. Assuming that all jews and Israeli citizens yern to suck at the teet of Nethanyu is antisemetic and just straight up false. Another thing i want to pick apart: (quote from pissfartpete) "Because if you -- the civilized and peaceful type of person -- were okay with genocide, and the people you were eradicating were already immoral savages (hence the need to commit genocide against them in the first place), how can there possibly be a world where they wouldn't see vengeance against you if you were to stop" (context before this quote was pissfartpete comparing the Israeli government to Nazi germany)

First off, the use of -- on either side of what you are implying jews are is very close to the echo or ((())). Like the meriam webster definition is "A two-em dash, ——, is used to indicate missing letters in a word and, less frequently, to indicate a missing word". Like someone else please tell me that i am going crazy and that a two-em dash is not becoming a variation of the echo.

The only vengence that Jews got which directly benefitied us was financial compensation from Germany. I dunno about you but millions of people dying cannot be made right with money. Oh im sorry, I forgot that all jews cared about was money so of course that was enough for over 6 million lives lost! (sarcasm for those you have trouble with that).

Last point im gonna make currently on that quote, why is it that you only compare Jews to Nazi Germany. There have been so many other genocides besides the Holocaust. The holocaust was industrialised killing. It turned death into a factory operation. The current actions of the IDF whilst is bad and I am not denying that, is not turning death into a factory operation.

Last point im gonna make on this whole thing as its bed time: (quote from pissfartpete) "I'm sure you are truly different from your aryan brethren"

Ah yes, because jews are brethren to the aryan race. You know, the term created by Nazi's used to describe anyone who was not jewish or white. Jews are totally brethren to people who hates jews and want us dead. It is totally 100% okay to do that (sarcasm)

It seems like pissfartpete has just repackaged Nazi Germany ideology and is somehow prescribing to Nazi Ideology whilst also trying to say "No u" to jews and israeli's

Shut up you genocide supporter

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA PALESTINE WILL BE FREE

So, just to be clear, I made a post specifically explaining that I hear this phrase as a call for my death personally. I hear this phrase as a call for the death of all Jews to be murdered and denied burial and to be shoved into the sea and provided examples as of why. And I received this in my inbox less than a minute later.

I also explained explicitly that I believe Palestinian people have a right to use this phrase and reclaim it from terrorists who took it from them. I explained that my ultimate goal is peace for Palestinians and for Jews. I explained that I wish for Palestinians to live as full and equal citizens in their homeland. I explained that anything that does not contribute to this goal of peace is causing active harm to Jews as well as deepening the conflict going on right now.

Given that information, you chose to send me this.

So you want me to die? You want to kill me, a Jewish person who does not live in and has never been to Israel? You want to kill all Jews?

Hmmm…it sounds like only one of us actually supports genocide, and it sure isn’t me.

Next time you want to tell me that you want me dead and want to kill all Jewish people, you can just say that. There’s no need to pretend you’re helping Palestinians at the same time.

PS: to all the goyim who replied to my recent posts that they support Jews and abhor antisemitism—now would be a good time to show support.

Jews cannot continue to receive this kind of targeted harassment in the name of people who claim to support peace. Standing up to antisemitism means loudly and clearly denouncing this. And if you don’t do so, I’m just gonna assume you stand with @pata-hikari, who wants me dead.

I have made it abundantly clear that I don’t support the violent response to the 10/7 attacks. I have made it abundantly clear I want freedom and equality for Palestinians. It’s time for y’all to make it abundantly clear that you understand that this message was a death threat. That people are using a phrase coined to promote hope and peace and liberation to threaten (another) mass Jewish slaughter. Do you care about me or not? Stop fence sitting or choosing sides. Fight for peace or stop pretending to be my friend and ally. An ally doesn’t stand idly by while someone they claim to support gets death threats.

Again, I don’t want ANY violence. I don’t want anyone to attack this person. What I want is to stop having to deal with this shit every day. What I want is for people to be as loud in their opposition to antisemitism as they are for Palestinian self determination. What I want is to stop having to be regarded as a good guy or a bad guy. I just want to be a fucking person and I want PEACE ONLY.

[nathanielsewells]

salima let me start off by saying that i did use the f slur. i should have held myself accountable a long time ago and apologised for it. it doesn't matter what my reasoning for it was, i used a deeply offensive slur that's used to hurt mlm. it was in extremely poor taste and not my place to use it since i can't reclaim it. salima you claim that you never used the f slur when you used it in a conversation with me before. after all of you started making vagues about me using the f slur i went to look into our old conversations to find out that you deleted your use of it. you can deny it all you want but it's the truth and you're equally as complicit as me.

about me making jokes about the idf, muslim oppression and palestine. my blog was always a space for resources to support palestine against their systemic oppression by israel. i was never fake woke in my support for palestine whether it was through donation links, petitions or simple posts opposing zionists. i never made jokes about the wrongful murder of innocent palestinians. all the posts where i talk about "posting about palestine" are in relation to this message from joc who condemned me for posting about palestine after i reblogged a PHOTO. i'd understand if i reblogged something offensive or added a personal addition but i reblogged a simple photo. it's ridiculous how i shouldn't talk about palestine as if your group hasn't freely posted about palestine on several occasions.

addressing the comment that i left on greedsgf post, it had nothing to do with the israeli palestinian conflict. although i mentioned the idf it was about a different matter. i allowed myself to make that idf joke to greedsgf at that time because i thought it was harmless and we made similar jokes to each other. i realise now that it doesn't matter what my relationship with the person was, the joke was in poor taste and i deeply regret using it.

i don't know if the accusations that i'm racist and islamophobic stem from the palestine thing or is it a separate matter? i strongly disagree with those accusations because i was never racist or islamophobic on this blog, in private or in any groupchat. when serafinedupont started getting all the racist and islamophobic anons a few months back i learned about it through a friend who showed me that messofakind believes that i called serafinedupont a racial slur on anon.

i never sent anon hate in my life and to think that i would go through all this effort to call serafinedupont a racist slur is sickening. in the past when i used to follow serafinedupont i always stood with her in solidarity when she was wrongly attacked by racists who mocked her religion and heritage. i don't care how much you dislike me i would never send those asks, maybe it's a joke to all of you that you laughed at it private but it's sick to make such accusations. you all seem to know my ip address so well that you could have tracked the anons to determine if it was me.

"hey oliwia if you're reading this stop being a racist and an islamophobe and stop stalking our blogs thank you very much x also please don't vote for duda"

i think the fact that all of you are calling me a racist is questionable too when you, tori and malak made whitewashed edits in the past. you can say that you apologised but that doesn't erase your racism in the past, same as my apology right now doesn't erase my mistakes.

as for the conversation from the tumblr groupchat, i don't have a screenshot for what i said because of its low quality but i can make jokes about hating jews because i'm jewish just like every single person can make self deprecating jokes about groups that they belong in.

although this wasn't mentioned in your post, mine, ashley's or kiara's involvement in the rocket scientist situation was never about antagonizing your group or solarbridge. we didn't milk or "dramatize" this entire discourse to come out as superior. all three of us stated at the beginning that it was wrong and sickening for rocket scientist to doxx solarbridge and we made it clear that rocket scientists triggering posts don't absolve her from the blame. ashley literally reached out to solarbridge to ensure that she's okay and not once did we paint solarbridge in a negative light, we just wanted to bring tori's and joc's insensitive jokes to light about rocket scientists' possible overdose. we brought attention to it solely because it was heartless to make fun of someone's mental health issues. as for "dramatizing" we made like two posts and answered five asks in total.

lastly, your group stated that they want us to acknowledge our mistakes and apologise. i regret my past actions a lot and i'm sorry for my usage of the f slur and the idf joke. however you keep thinking that you and your group did nothing wrong in all of this and have nothing to apologise for as if you haven't used the f slur and mentally ill desi hasn't used a slur and made jokes about neo nazi's which both of you haven't acknowledged and apologised for. if my behaviour was so disgusting and fucked up salima then why didn't you speak up on it? you used the f slur in my presence and allowed me to make jokes that made you uncomfortable which you never addressed with me. if you found mine and ashley's behaviour so disgusting why did you wait 3 months to bring this to light when all of this happened? you were just sitting on it until we did something to anger you.

[svartikotturinn]

My speaker attitudes towards dialects

(Adapted from a Reddit comment of mine.)

People who think they know a thing or two about linguistics often tend to chastise others for their prescriptivism, especially others who know a thing or two about linguistics (and I should know—I got my BA in linguistics and East Asian studies). What they tend to ignore, however, is that a key part of linguistics is sociolinguistics, and a key part of that is speakers’ attitudes.

We are speakers. We live in a society where our language is spoken, and we know when and where certain features are used, and our attitude changes accordingly. It’s as inevitable as the change in language itself. Of course, sometimes it’s blatantly classist/racist/sexist, but that’s another issue. Oftentimes it’s purely æsthetic or something related to other issues.

So what about me as a speaker?

Generally I prefer conservative dialects of just about any language, as they maintain certain distinctions that others lose (which can lead to confusion or just less intuitive spelling and murkier etymology).

So, I’ll address the phonological level first.

In English, I like dialects that don’t mix up words like these:¹

Consonants:

Unstressed syllables:

ladder–latter

winner–winter

Syllable finally:

father–farther

Elsewhere:

wine–whine

Vowels:

Before ‹r›

marry–merry–Mary

higher–hire

coyer–coir

flower–flour

horse–hoarse

irk–erk, earn–urn, fur–fir²

Before ‹l›

vial–vile

real–reel

‹u…e›, ‹ew› after coronals

through–threw

you–yew

choose–chews

loot–lute

do–dew

toon–tune

Diphthongs:

wait–weight

Wales–wails

tow–toe

Unstressed syllables:

emission–a mission–omission

Pharaoh–farrow

shivaree–shivery

Otherwise:

cot–caught

meet–meat

The whole just makes so much more sense this way, especially if you’re teaching the language to learners, because that way there’s more of a 1:1 correspondence between orthography and spelling so there’s less memorizing involved (speaking as an English tutor and enthusiastic language learner).

It also helps when there’s a certain ‘symmetry’ in the vowel system, like when both ‹a…e› and ‹o…e› are pronounced as mid-high–high diphthongs (or just long mid-high vowels), one front and the other back; in the eastern half of the US and in the UK, that’s not really the case. Also the tense ‹a› vowel being pronounced the same in all environments makes it much less confusing to teach; in most American dialects, it tends to vary based on the sounds that follow it and whether it’s in a closed or open syllable, and in Australia (and I think certain places in the US) there’s an inconsistent split into two categories among the words. Shifts like those sometimes make more such distinctions (e.g. mad–Madd, and also put–putt for most dialects), but they can be a real headache to teach.

Similarly, I prefer to keep the vowel distinction of hurry–furry, as it makes morpheme boundaries clearer. The same for keeping the first vowel of sorry in words like corridor or horror, because it makes the orthography more consistent, following a clear rule:

A vowel letter before ‹rr› in an open syllable (within morpheme boundaries) is pronounced like a normal tense vowel.

In Hebrew, I have a special appreciation for ethnolects that maintain the distinction between:

uvular and pharyngeal voiceless fricatives, e.g. כָּךְ /käχ/ ‘thus’ vs. קַח /kä/ ‘take! masc. sing.’

glottal stops and voiced pharyngeal fricatives, e.g. אֵד /ʔe̞d/ ‘vapour’ vs. עֵד /ʕe̞d/ ‘witness’

velar and uvular plosives, e.g. כָּל /ko̞l/ ‘every’ vs. קוֹל /qo̞l/ ‘voice’³

plain and pharyngealized voiceless coronal plosives, e.g. תְּבִיעָה /tvi.ˈʕä/ ‘lawsuit’ vs. טְבִיעָה /tˤvi.ˈʕä/ ‘drowning’

plain vs. pharyngealized voiceless alveolar sibilant affricate, e.g. צָאר /t͡säʁ̞/ ‘tsar’ vs. צַר /t͡sˤäʁ̞/ ‘narrow masc. sing.’⁴

simple vs. geminate consonants, e.g. גָּמָל /gä.ˈmäl/ ‘camel’ vs. גַּמָּל /gäm.ˈmäl/ ‘(literary) camel driver’

There are other distinctions that I omitted here, mostly in terms of vowel length and quality: back in the times of the Mishna, Hebrew dialects had up to 7 or 8 different vowels and as many as 3 or even 4 different vowel lengths, but in Modern Israeli Hebrew, the vowels have coalesced into a system of five vowels with no length distinctions. However, those are pretty much obsolete except in liturgical uses, and I don’t care much for liturgical use except for academic interest because I have a very, very negative view of Orthodox Judaism. I somewhat lament the loss of such distinctions to that realm, especially since the loss of those distinctions means that a lot of Hebrew morphology and phonology no longer makes any immediate, intuitive sense (at least until you learn the logic behind it—then it makes a lot more sense but it’s still very mechanical), and is now basically the bane of every highschooler’s existence.

In Japanese, I like dialects which, unlike Standard Japanese (which is based on the Tokyo dialect and serves as the basis for transliteration and standard kana orthography), maintain the traditional distinction between:

Consonants:

plain vs. labialized velar plosives (both voiced and voiceless), e.g.

家事 /kaʑi/ ‘housework’ vs. 火事 /kʷaʑi/ ‘conflagration’

both normally transcribed kaji

雅歌 /gaka/ ‘elegant song’ vs. 画家 /gʷaka/ ‘painter’

both normally transcirbed gaka

voiced sibilant affricates vs. fricatives, e.g.:

alveolo-palatal ones: 地震 /d͡ʑiɕiɴ/ ‘earthquake’ vs. 自信 /ʑiɕiɴ/ ‘confidence’

both normally transcribed jishin

alveolar ones: 数 /käzɯᵝ/ ‘number’ vs. 下図 /käd͡zɯᵝ/ ‘the illustration below’

both normally transcribed jouzu or jōzu

/o/ vs. /wo/:

折る /oɾɯ/ ‘to fold’ vs. 居る /woɾɯ/ ‘to be’

both normally transcribed as oru

Vowels:

long mid-low and mid-high rounded vowels, e.g.:

～長 /–t͡ʃɔː/ ‘head or leader of’ vs. ～庁 /–t͡ʃoː/ ‘government office of’

both normally transcribed as chou or chō, pronounced /–t͡ʃo̞ː/ in Tokyo

In addition, I also like how the Kansai dialect allows for more varied pitch accent patterns than the Tokyo dialect. Distinctions like these, along with those mentioned above, could be immensely helpful in mitigating the preposterous amount of homophones it has (especially among Sino-Japanese loanwords) which make it so, so much harder for learners to master listening comprehension (and for native speakers to understand spoken academic or technical texts), but alas. It also makes the connection between less intuitive go-on & kan-on pairs, which generally remain a mystery to anyone who hasn’t researched them in depth or has any background in Chinese.

In other languages, I naturally prefer other such distinctions, e.g.:

Spanish dialects with lleísmo and distinción

French dialects that preserve all the vowels that Parisian French no longer does, and also between mid-high and mid-low vowels

Portuguese dialects that resist as many of the plethora of mergers other dialects have as possible

Italian dialects that distinguish between mid-high and mid-low vowels; examples of minimal pairs here

The North-central dialect of Vietnamese

Korean dialects that preserve vital distinctions in terms of vowel length and quality as well as pitch accent, and also initial /l/ in loanwords

Mandarin dialects that retain retroflex consonants, rather than merge them into alveolar sibilants (like in Taiwan and southern Mandarin dialects)

Cantonese dialects that retain the difference between

Tones

high and high-falling tones, e.g. 衫 /saːm⁵⁵/ ‘shirt’ vs. 三 /saːm⁵³/ ‘three’

Consonants

plain and labialized velar plosives, e.g. 各 /kɔk̚³/ ‘every, each’ vs. 國 /kwɔk̚³/ ‘country; national’

alveolar laterals and nasals, e.g. 里 /lei̯¹³/ ‘li’ vs. 你 /nei̯¹³/ ‘you sing.’

But at the same time, I’m not above political or regional biases, e.g.:

I like Arabic dialects that maintain the wide array of consonants of Modern Standard Arabic, but I feel very connected to my city of residence Haifa, so I prefer the dialects spoken in this region.

Also, I prefer Standard Taiwanese Mandarin (think Pearl in the Taiwanese dub of Steven Universe) over PRC Mandarin partially because, well, fuck Winnie the Pooh.

On a grammatical level, I love how dialects create subtler distinctions in terms of tense and aspect or pragmatic distinctions:

For example, while African–American English exhibits a wide array of phonological mergers (e.g. fin–thin, den–then), it also exhibits far subtler distinctions of tense and aspect that ‘Standard’ English lacks: compare the short AAE been knew vs. the much longer SE have known for a long time.

Another example is the modern ‘vocal fry’ (a.k.a. creaky voice) that some American girls have started using in the past few years, which marks parenthetical information in a sentence.

This is also why I like German dialects that have a wider use of the preterite (i.e. more northern ones), as opposed to those that have merged them entirely into the present perfect (e.g. in Bavaria). It’s also why I’m somewhat miffed by the merger of the 1st. sing. fut. conjugation of Hebrew verbs into the 3rd. masc. sing. fut. one, e.g. יַסְבִּיר /jäs.ˈbiʁ̞/ ‘[he] will explain’ vs. אַסְבִּיר /ʔäs.ˈbiʁ̞/ ‘[I] will explain’.

On the other hand, being non-binary, I have a special distaste for gendered morphology. This is why I came up with this system to do away with the last bit of gendering in English, and why although I find non-native speakers crude attempts at reinventing Hebrew morphology extremely distasteful (seriously, shit like that is why I say American Jews are, first and foremost, American),⁵ I do rejoice at any erosion I see of gender distinctions in Hebrew. It’s also why I like most sign languages so much—I say ‘most’, because Japanese SL, for example, has gendered pronouns (unlike ASL or Israeli SL, for example), and why I resent the Western influence that led to gendered pronouns becoming a thing in Japanese and Chinese, and why I often think about learning Finnish properly.⁶

On a lexical level, I have a particular affinity for archaisms, or more lexically conservative languages.

In the case of English:

I like dialects that preserve Old English archaisms, words from Old English that have been displaced by Latinate cognates, holding on like the Gaulish village of Astérix and Obelix. Words like gome and blee fascinate me and I wish they were in more common use, which is why I like the idea of Anglish so much.

I also like dialects that maintain mostly obsolete ‘irregular’ forms of verbs, for example clumb as the past participle of climb, as they provide a rare insight into the development of English.

And I most certainly like dialects that still use some variation of thou, like tha in Yorkshire or thee in Lancashire.

Hebrew, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any dialectical variations per se to speak of, or any ‘archaisms’ that they preserve, as it was pretty much dormant for nearly two millennia. Back when Jesus was still around, there was some regional variation among Hebrew speakers—this can be seen in the New Testament, for example, when people confront Simon Peter after Jesus is arrested and claim that his accent gives away the fact that he was one of Jesus’ men. For example, different accents of the time had notably different vowel systems, for example, which is why there were three different systems (roughly speaking) to indicate them at the time, and this is before we’ve even considered Samaritan Hebrew, which is about as comprehensible to a Modern Hebrew speaker as Doric (or even Frisian) is to an English speaker. Hebrew speakers borrow phrases extensively from their traditional literature, much like Chinese people with their four-character idioms, and often use more literary language in tongue-in-cheek, so it’s not really comparable. However, there is some amount of sociolinguistic variation as to doing so, but I would say it has more to do with religious and socio-economic status than ethnolect and certainly regional variation (which is far more limited in Hebrew than in English, mostly confined to rather small subsets of regionalisms), and I do like it when people do use these.

This is why I appreciate Québec French, for all its overzealously purist and prescriptivist faults. It’s often a wonderful museum of words of bygone days, from dialects that the efforts to standardize French have nearly if not completely exterminated. As an English speaker in particular, it’s interesting to see Norman remnants in the language.

On the other hand, it always fascinates me when languages borrow words for concepts they already have, and use the loanword for a more specific concept therein. Consider, for example, the English words kingly (Germanic), royal (Norman), and regal (Latin), or these fascinating examples.

The problem is that many of these features are fairly stigmatized.

In terms of phonology, I make a conscious effort to maintain most of the distinctions above when I speak English, but on the other hand I flap my ‹t›s and ‹d›s in rapid speech to avoid sounding like a stuck-up prick. Similarly, I don’t maintain the wine–whine distinction, for example, unless, say, I’m working with a student on a story that takes place in the Southern US, because I would sound like a dick who’s trying to sound like a Southern gentleman or something. I still teach the distinction, if only to explain why there is such a difference in the orthography to begin with even if I tell students not to observe it when actually speaking. When I speak Hebrew, I most certainly don’t make those traditional ethnolect distinctions—that would come across as being either unbelievably pedantic or outright mocking. When I speak Japanese or other languages, well, I generally don’t know them well enough to maintain all the distinctions as I would like to, even those that aren’t stigmatized, but I do make an effort to at least observe those distinctions when the orthography makes them clear enough (and stick to the standard in Japanese).

In terms of grammar, I don’t teach dialectical English irregular forms. At most, I gloss over them with a sentence or two, and leave it at that. I assume my average student would hardly read books or watch films or TV shows that take place in Appalachia or what-have-you, certainly not without subtitles anyway. If I ever got a particularly advanced student, however… I would still be reluctant, as I am hardly over-familiar with those dialects myself, and don’t want to mislead them. In Hebrew, on the other hand, my grammar and spelling do tend to be very conservative to the point of anachronism sometimes (like, I generally follow the BuMP rule when I speak; most Israelis don’t), but I balance it out with a decent amount of slang.

In terms of lexical items, I pretty much avoid teaching dialectical archaisms altogether. Those are almost entirely useless for students, and I don’t even speak the dialects that use them, so I can’t say for a fact which dialecticalisms are even in current use. In Hebrew, I might make some detours, but that’s because truly archaic words, that wouldn’t even be used in tongue-in-cheek, are a rarity, and oftentimes they share roots with more common words, so they can cement the understanding of those roots more readily.

If no socio-linguistic considerations (or my own fluency) were a complete non-issue?

In English:

I’d make an effort to maintain all of the distinctions mentioned above, including those that are observed today only by a handful of older people from rural areas.

I’d pronounce ‹gh› in words like right and weight to tell them apart from rite and wait.

I’d use thou and AAE grammar and any dialectical archaism or even Anglish coinage I could get away with.

And, of course, I’d use my gender-neutral pronoun system for everyone except trans people who might get dysphoric.

In Hebrew:

I’d speak Hebrew with extremely conservative pronunciation, like BCE-level ancient, making all of the distinctions mentioned above.

On top of those, I would distinguish between the voiceless alveolar sibilant and lateral fricatives (which was lost very early on), so I pronounce סוֹרֵר /soː.ˈreːr/ ‘unruly, recalcitrant’ and שׂוֹרֵר /ɬoː.ˈreːr/ ‘existing, prevailing’ (both in masc. sing.) differently (rather than pronounce both like the first).

I’d reintroduce syllable-final glottal stops so that the orthography and grammar finally make a lick of sense.

On the other hand, I would think of a system to do away with gendered language in Hebrew that still made internal sense.

In Japanese:

I’d speak Japanese with all of the distinctions mentioned above, the fact that they characterize two parts of Japan that are practically on oppsite ends of the country be damned.

I might maybe even bring back a few obsolete features, like nasal vowels or the syllable ye and palatalized consonants before e (when applicable), because they make go-on and kan-on relationships clearer, and also clear up their relationship to Mandarin and other languages with extensive Sinitic vocabulary. (Although I doubt there are modern dialects that do that today, certainly not in a discriminating way, so I might give up on that.)

And, of course, I would do it all with Kansai pitch accent, or at least  There are too many homophones, damnit, I gotta tell them apart SOMEHOW!

In Mandarin:

I’d speak Mandarin with Standard Taiwanese pronunciation.

Maybe I’d even use the Old National Pronunciation—what with my background in Japanese, it would save me a lot of memorizing, because I’d remember that all the characters that ended with a voiceless consonant in Japanese have the same tone in Mandarin.

Hell, I might even reintroduce the distinction between /e/, /ɔ/, and /a/.

In Cantonese:

I’d distinguish between the tones and the initial consonants, as mentioned above.

In addition, I might even bring back the distinction between alveolar and palato-alveolar sibilants that died in 1950—it’ll certainly make things easier for me, as I’ve learned some Mandarin in the past.

In Korean:

I’d speak a mix of dialects preserving all of the above distinctions and then some; I’d probably sound a lot like I were from North Korea, but in this scenario this wouldn’t matter.

In Vietnamese:

North-central dialect all the way.

In that scenario, the only thing that would stop me from talking like that would be comprehensibility. It would definitely be an issue—even today English speakers would probably be thrown off by pronouncing the ‹gh›, for one, and I’m sure my variety of Hebrew would be incomprehensible to most native speakers today.

But for now, I’ll make do with what I got, I guess.

—

Endnotes

¹ Most dialects that do mix them up generally pronounce them like the former in each pair.

² These distinction traditionally exists in Scotland; Ireland has a two-way split that works differently. On this note, I’d also count distinctions between e.g. wait and weight, but at this point it’s already Scots, not English. (Which is just another reason I love Scots so much, along with its lexical conservatism.)

³ This distinction, as well as the three that follow, are exceedingly rare.

⁴ The phranyngealized voiceless alveolar sibilant affricate was not preserved as such in any ethnolect: it either became a pharyngealized voiceless alveolar sibilant fricative (in Yemenite and Mizrahi Hebrew), or it simply lost its pharyngealization (in Sephardi and Ashkenazi Hebrew, and Modern Israeli Hebrew)—e.g. צַד /t͡sˤäd/ > /sˤäd/, /t͡säd/ ‘side’. Barring the exceedingly rare loanword, I could not think of a single minimal pair such as the one given above.

⁵ For the record: I was raised speaking English alongside Hebrew, albeit in a non-Anglophone country, and a lot of research went into my solution to ensure that it’s based on precedent rather than be a tasteless neologism.

⁶ There are other genderless languages as well, but they’re either super-niche or spoken by communities that aren’t as progressive, or both.

[iwilldevourthebodies]

Things people have said in my classes over the course of the 2016-2017 school year

“One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a military officer is try to invade Asia”

“Napoleon looks like he’s about to dab”

“Donkey!”

“No you have to do it in a Scottish accent. It’s Donkeh”

“Eric. Do you want carrots? Diced,,, carrots”

“How many couches do you have?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it”

“I think the cereal aisle is amazing. I do”

“I’m a hoe for Obama”

“So what you’re gonna make him turn into the next Bill Clinton?”

“Wow. The sass. Didn’t I say there was always one delinquent?”

“Is Neanderthalian a word?”

“It’s not a word, Sufana, don’t be an idiot”

“Can we just like… abolish death?”

“Let’s just take it and,,,, fling it into the sun”

“It’s not a race if I don’t care" 

"I didn’t know what you were asking me”

“Yeah, but you acted like you did so confidently. ‘Yes! Sí, señora’

"You’re Muslim? I thought you were Indian”

“Guys, I’m gonna take a spaceship… and I’m gonna land it on the sun. And if it gets too hot I’m gonna take a parachute back to Earth”

“No, no, they’re too dumb to think like this”

“You’re crushing my heart. The more you go on the more I know I did something wrong”

“So let me get this straight. You quoted Hamilton at dinner. At your boyfriend’s house. In front of his parents. And he’s still your boyfriend?" 

"You’re being a racism”

“Sometimes I turn my os and us into a single character. It’s because I’m efficient. /Not/ because I’m illiterate”

“It’s about personal growth! I like to challenge myself! It’s not because my brain’s broken!”

“It is the wagon void”

“Up until I was 5 I was a wanderer. I was raised by seagulls”

“Honestly I don’t ever try to be dumb. It just comes naturally”

“But we aren’t octopi, unfortunately”

“Wouldn't  be a Monday morning if I wasn’t ruining his life”

“My dad works so he escapes the living hell that is my house”

“Was it fine?”

“Yeah, I got food”

“Is that a 7 or a live chicken?”

“I’m not from America, but I’m from the United States”

“Oh yeah I drove a go cart with a wheel made out of a Quaker Oats container”

“What do you mean you’re not fluent in Indian?”

“Well I wasn’t about to eat the tampon”

“If Satan Spoon starts talking to you let me know”

“Did he just say blame the gays on the mafia?”

“Dude we should test arsenic as a cure for Alzheimer’s”

“You dated him”

“Yes, well that was before I learned he was racist. And gay”

“Get off me I need to make a meme”

“I’m going to be that one awkward person who ends up sexually attracted to pianos”

“I don’t kms, I pms”

“Put that in your quotes I think it’s a good one”

“I really meant people conception. Misconception is gender exclusive”

“So what’s your point?”

“I don’t know”

“If your results end up to be true, like yes”

“Adolf Hitler becomes the chancellor of Germany”

“Wait who?”

“It’s a giant concrete chicken in Vietnam. Read the fucking caption”

“At least it won’t be Cold War part 2 because Trump’s in bed with Russia”

“Wow that is actually hot”

“Well it is fire”

“Well let it be the best stick it can be”

 "I had an English muffin today. It just wasn’t the same"

“Doesn’t covering your head make it harder for God to hear you?”

“No that’s tinfoil, Michael”

“Publishificating is good”

“Out-publish Bill. Cause Bill is the devil”

“Why are cheeseburgers such sexist objects?”

“Illinois”

“Illin-wah”

“Wait I just drew the Canadian parliament building”

“He looks kinda like a mop and I like”

“I could never be a murderer it’s just so confusing”

“Alex stare at her chest not her butt. Will is already staring at her butt”

“Russia is Serbia’s sugar daddy”

“Did they convert to Muslim?”

“What other fairies do you know?”

“Twinkle toes! No wait. Tinker bell”

“Captain America is Wartime Propaganda”

“Yeah man that’s yogi bear! Wait what the hell?”

“What’s that brown potato?”

“That’s a squash”

“Bob Marley died and so should I”

“Melanoma’s a disease”

“That’s not a disease that’s a cancer”

“What was the turning point of WWI?”

“The Versace treaty!”

“Don’t put orange juice in your iPad”

“We’re making cubes and he’s talking about concentration camps”

“Where do you think the Paris peace conference happened?”

“Berlin”

“Anything’s a UFO if you try hard enough”

“Jesse what are you working on right now?”

“The ICarly theme song”

“Why are white people so extra?”

“Is it offensive to call Rasputin daddy?”

“Zoie can you stab me?”

“No, sorry, that’s a Friday activity”

“Are Israeli passports made out of couscous?”

“What’s that thing from BFG called..? Cumberbumber?”

“So my sister’s a Russian major..”

“Can you major in a country?”

“Mown, like freshly mown grass”

“You can tweet from dead people”

“Wealthy farmers have fists”

“So do other people”

“Hitler killed Hitler, so he can’t be that bad”

“Three billion fists died”

“Everything’s a sphero to me now”

“Hey kids wanna buy some zip-ties?”

“There will never be a time where both of you are in the boat.. /amphibious assault vehicle”

“Did you know Italians get 8 weeks of paid leave”

“You know what fuck Italians. Actually wait yeah let’s /fuck/ Italians”

“What’s worse than the Gulags?”

“Siberia”

“My favorite satellite station is Hitler and Stalin. Hitler played the bass, Stalin played the spoons.”

“Shit. I missed my ass”

“Are you gonna sue me?”

“No”

“Are you gonna sue my kids?" 

"Yes”

“How are you a Jew and an atheist?”

“I’m a jewthiest”

“He deserves to be hugged. By an 18-wheeler speeding down the highway”

“My talent is…”

“Deepthroating a cinnamon stick”

“Does anyone know what the 21 game is?”

“Is that when you turn 21 and get to drink?”

“What’s next year’s musical?”

“Connor Gale: The Musical, starring Lisa Liubovich as Connor Gale”

“Somebody just compared Germany’s republic to the republic from Star Wars”

“The darkest blanket of Bill Nye”

“And her beauty was that of Medicare”

“Alright homework tonight, research vampires”

“Well I wasn’t gonna follow his mom’s twitter”

“28 lockers is inside your gastrointestinal tract”

“My dad hates Jews. Not actively though”

“That sounds like a cat choking out a hairball. Catholicism.”

“We’re catholic. And we’re not batshit insane”

“It’s not crack, Ms. Wright”

“Do they even know what vegetables smell like?”

“Why is there a cabbage in your backpack?”

“Hannah. Egg”

“Nothing’s fun when donald trump is president”

“What kind of gum is that?”

“Doritos”

“I’m better than Justin Bieber at guitar. I’m Kurt Cobain now”

“If George Washington tried to rap his dentures would fall out”

“Why did he come over here was I not Jewish enough?”

“Alright so we have bird images, and we have death images”

“You just fuckin stabbed me in the leg with a plank of wood”

“I have a velvet Jesus in my cupboard”

“Cow vigilantes?”

“There’s a meat ban”

“What did they ban?”

“Meat”

“I’m wrenching, bitch”

“What were they on?”

“Judaism”

“This kebab guy looks like wolverine”

“We have a common Jew”

“That’s like Hannah being gayphobic”

“According to my zodiac I’m light, hot, and wet”

“Haroon dropped his wood”

“I’m not racist I’m just ignorant”

“Why do people even harvest organs when they could harvest corn?”

“I’m not saying that cone heads is super high quality but let’s be real here”

“It is almost May don’t talk about snow or I’ll backhand you into the fucking sun”

“People are hanged, pictures are hung”

“People can be hung too”

“Jello monster incest”

“I just hit myself in the head with a boat”

“Dentists are people too”

“Really? I thought they were just a bunch of teeth stacked together in a lab coat”

“An interloper is someone who interlopes”

“Guys enough with the atomic bombs”

“I had weaponized the name quiz”

“Sin is a polygenic trait”

“Revenge is a dish best served under a tree”

“There’s Vaseline.. but it looks shady”

“Where’s the Cape? Is it in Maine?”

“The Soviet Union is cheese”

“Gets tetanus on boobs”

“Where’s that video of that woman aesthetically biting pickles into a microphone”

“I was too lazy to shave so my solution was socks”

“Anything is right if you can pull it off”

“Do Brooklyn have accents”

“Meme is my native language”

“When you smell me I don’t even feel uncomfortable anymore”

“That sounds like a great job. I’m gonna be a dick disector”

“My right pinkie is stronger”

“What if I just face slam on the keyboard, will my essay write itself then?”

“I wrote nyet instead of net on my paper. Figurative language dot nope.”

“Can I just remove both of my uteri?”

“Hannah you have one uterus”

“I’m dumb completely independently from the fact that I’m old”

“Why dinosaurs do not have the capacity to be fascist”

“Amanda and I are on team daddy”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hydra kink”

“My eyelashes are too short”

“Like your di- I mean, I’m fasting”

“Walmart brand eighth grader”

“Does anyone know who the daughter of Zeus is?”

“Hermione”

“Give your partner a hand-job from a million miles away for only $88 plus tax”

“The vase is thicc”

“Do you not recognize my supreme overlord?”

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz?”

“Stop sensually licking the mango”

“Triangular foot bath”

“I’d rather be peed on by a sheep than eaten alive”

“What’s the place where planes go?”

“Airports?”

“Oh yeah. I thought they were called plane stations”

“Did you say egg or dick?”

“They would give you a gallon of the white baby vomit and then you have to drink it”

“I have nightmares about Russian grammar”

“You could tell I was ignoring you, right?”

“I hear you talking about your grades in my sleep”

“Freshman salads”

“I wanna be a song… singer person”

“What do door locks keep out?”

“Your insecurities”

“I’ve never been attacked by a gang member”

“The gays worship the Babadook”

“I love Joe Biden, he’s so cute. I want a pocket Joe Biden”

“Surrogate sneezing”

“Golfing doesn’t require ankles”

“You guys all have boners but you don’t have any notecards you’re all useless”

[kdb623-blog]

The engagement

Ok, let’s set the stage shall we? Through this blog you’ll probably notice that I’ve worked at a FUCKTON of places. Their loss, your gain. Sorry for the swearing mom, but my blog, my rules. Swearings allowed. This certain story takes place at the cathedral of Boston, no not a church you culinary peons. I’m talking about Fenway Park. Yeah, for the Red Sox, that Fenway. I used to cook for the owners and partners of that little place. For a guy you may have heard of, former GM Theo Epstein among a few other regular billionaires. Is that a brag? You bet. Well that’s where I met my friend we will call MF. Now, MF and I, we have been known to do some drinkn’ together from time to time. As chefs do, maybe you’ve heard this rumor/fact? Well we are in our favorite watering hole. You know the kind of classy place that you make bad decisions in the bathroom, and end up in Puerto Rico. He has been seeing this woman for some time now and has gotten to the point of wowing, with food. Lucky for MF I’m little big bro, kdb623. So we get to chatting about what this special someone likes and may not like. This is going to be important for when you ask me what to cook for that special someone. Especially allergies. We don’t want to kill them or get them sick. Hospital gowns are NOT the way to cook their pants off. Bad culinary peon. We decide on fish. Good choice. The place I learned to cook at conviently is a seafood restaurant. Yes I know, another job. How many has he had? Keep in mind this recipe is being transferred at the time by cocktail napkin, not sober. So if MF can pull this off, and I have yet to have a sip of Jameson writing this, then you definitely can cook this. We are going to make TSS(the special someone) seared salmon with beet cous cous, we can change this to risotto when you get better, but as Dr. Leo Marvin says, baby steps, and roasted asparagus. Want the recipe? Here it is. First, a few things you’re going to need, a stove, a pan, an oven, an oven mit or good towel, a pot, strainer, a spoon, a pan to go in oven, stick or regular blender, peeler, and tongs. 2-4 pieces of salmon. I prefer skin on, but not necessary. You want to get more in case you fuck one up or have kicked the roommate out for the night. Israeli cous cous, one box will be fine. 3 beets, balsamic vinegar, sugar, orange juice, one bunch of asparagus. I apologize if some of you college dorm room kids don’t have some of this equipment. We can get to gourmet cup o noodles another time. Now, pants off prep time.

Ok, let’s cook. Pre heat oven to 350. Prepare to cook the food so nice they named it twice(that’s cous cous) like pasta, because well, it is. Salt the water and cook till done. If you don’t know how to cook pasta this recipe will be an uphill battle. While pasta is cooking, peel the beets and cut them to smaller pieces, 1/4 or 1/8s. Add 1c H2O, 1c balsamic vinegar, 1/4 c sugar, and a 1/2 c orange juice into a different pot. Make sure there is enough water to cover beets. Cook beets until tender, almost like you’re making mashed potatoes. When they are tender, remove and add to mixer, add enough liquid to purée the beets. If you’re confused as to what a mixer is, you use one to make margaritas. If using stick blender drain and reserve liquid and again add enough liquid to make a purée. Set cous cous and beet purée aside. Put pan on medium high heat, add enough canola oil to cover pan. Season fish on both sides with salt and pepper. Sear the fish on skin side down till you get a bit of a crust on it 3 minutes or so. This is why i like skin on fish, it acts as a little protective layer for the fish. Put pan in oven with fish still skin side down for about 8 minutes. Now vegetable time. Take bottom 1 1/2 inches of asparagus off and discard. Toss asparagus in oil, salt and pepper. Roast in oven for 5 minutes or so. This time really depends on size of asparagus. While all this is in the oven, heat beet purée and cous cous you’ve set aside in a pan and mix together. This will give the cous cous a really purply red look and great flavor. This is the base of the plate, put this down in the middle. When asparagus comes out, put on top of cous cous so tips are pointed at 2 o’clock. When fish comes out, flip and serve skin side UP. Point the fish opposite the asparagus, 10 o clock. Now here I am, like you. Made ith through all that crap. Wondering if MF got to in fact cook their pants off. By listening to my advice on how to cook, and plate this dish. Not only did in fact pants come off. A proposal was made, if I’m not mistaken not by MF. That means that MF was PROPSED TO. After. One. Dish. Of. Mine. They say start strong. I can not start any stronger than someone getting engaged, due to listening to me on how to cook food. If you have someone you’re trying to impress, I gaurentee that this is a dish that can take you places if you follow my advice. If you want another recipe, wait till next Wednesday for yet another success story. Yes there is more than one already! Hopefully I’ll get better at this and be able to include pics or something to help you along even more. For personal recipes email cooktheirpantsoff@yahoo.com.