#sorry this is so long i have a document where I've been compiling all these little moments

[lilacpaperbird]

Literally.

Sam: "You're my brother, and I'd die for you" (1x5)

Rebecca: "Nobody knows that you do this?" Sam: "No" Rebecca: "Did Jessica know?" Sam: "No, she didn’t." Rebecca: "Must be lonely" Sam: [looking away at Dean] "Oh, no. No, it’s not so bad" (1x6)

Sam: "I'm not gonna let you die, period." (1x12)

Sam “Dean... I wanna thank you” Dean: “For what?” Sam: “For everything” (1x21)

John: "Killing this demon comes first – before me, before everything" [Sam looks in the rear view mirror at Dean] Sam: "No, sir. Not before everything" (1x22)

Sam: "You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this" (2x22)

Dean: "She's lying, you gotta know that, don't you? She knows what your weakness is – it's me" (3x3)

Dean: "It was a stupid freaking risk, and you shouldn't have done it." Sam: "I shouldn't have done it? You're my brother, Dean. And no matter what you do, I'm gonna try and save you. And I'm sure as hell not gonna apologize for it, all right?" (3x6)

Sam: "I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world" (3x7)

Gabriel: “This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam.” (3x11)

Dean: “Why even risk it” Sam: “Because you're my brother” (3x16)

Sam [stabs knife into the crossroads demon's hand]: "I don't want ten years. I don't want one year. I don't want candy! I want to trade places with Dean." (4x9)

Patrick: "When it's about your brother, you get so emotional, your brain just flies right out the window." (5x7)

Sam: "No, you won’t. When push shoves, you’ll make the right call" Dean: "You know, if tables were turned…I’d let you rot in here. Hell, I have let you rot in here." Sam: "Yeah, well… I guess I’m not that smart." Dean: "I–I don’t get it. Sam, why are you doing this?" Sam: "Because… you’re still my big brother." (5x18)

Tortured!Sam: "Sam, you can't imagine. Stay here, go back, find that bartender, go find Jess, but don't do this. I know you. You're not strong enough. Why is this so important to you?" Sam: "You know me. You know why. I'm not leaving my brother alone out there." (6x22)

Sam: "You're not a grunt dean. You're a genius. you're the best damn hunter I've ever seen. Better than me. Better than dad. I believe in you" (8x14)

Sam: "You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down." (8x22)

Dean: "When you were five and you got dressed up as Batman and you jumped off the shed 'cause you thought you could fly" Sam: "After you jumped first." (9x15)

Dean: “I told you to let me go” Sam: “You know I can't do that” (10x2)

Dean: "So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna kill me?" Sam "No" Dean: "Why? You don't know what I've done. I might have it coming" Sam: "Well, I don't care. Because you are my brother. And I'm here to take you home." (10x2)

Dean: “I never even said thank you” Sam: “You don't ever have to say that. Not to me” (10x4)

Sam: "If there’s a cure, we’ll do it and deal with the consequences later. I can’t lose you!" (10x18)

Sam: “You'll never, ever hear me say that you, the real you, is anything but good.” (10x23)

Sam: “I unleashed a force in this world that could destroy it... to save you” Dean: “And I told you not to” Sam “And I’d do it again. In a second i would do it again.” (11x1)

Sam [praying at the chapel]: “And if I have to die, I've made my peace with that, but... Please. Dean deserves better. Dean deserves a life” (11x2)

Sam: "You’ll taunt me and you’ll torture me, and I’ll say no. And eventually, sooner than you think, my brother’s gonna walk through that door and kick your ass" Lucifer [laughing]: "Dean? You’re betting on Dean?" Sam: "I always have" (11x10)

Cas [actually Lucifer]: "That procedure can be fatal" Sam: "Use my soul. (...) It's worth the risk. Cas, Dean needs our help" (11x14)

Sam: "And if we die? We'll do that together, too” (13x20)

Sam: "If it meant finding Dean, I-I'd work with -- I'd do anything." (14x1)

Dean: "I know I wasn’t always the greatest brother to you" Sam: "Dean, you were the one who was always there for me. The only one. I mean, you practically raised me" (14x2)

Sam: "What happened with Michael… You said yes for me, for Jack, for your family. You did the right thing. What happened after, just because Michael was wearing your face doesn’t mean any of this is on you. I don’t blame you, no one blames you. You’ve got to try and stop blaming yourself. Please." (14x4)

Sam [dying]: "You–You always put– You always put me first" Dean: "No, no. Shh, shh. Come on. Come on, man" Sam: "Your whole life..." (14x17)

Sam: "But I can't do it without you. I can't. Just like I couldn't do it today without you. I need my brother." (15x6)

Chuck: "I'm just the messenger, Sam. I'm sharing my omniscience with you" Sam: "No, the Dean I know... the Dean who raised me – he'd never give up, no matter how bad things got" (15x9)

Sam: "My entire life, you've protected me— from Dad, from Lucifer, from everything. I didn't always like it, you know, but... it's the one thing in the whole world that I could always count on. It's the only thing I've ever known that was true. So please... put the gun away. Just put it away, and we'll figure it out, Dean, we'll find another way, you and me. We always do." (15x17)

Dean: "It's always been you... and me." Sam [crying]: "Then don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't do this alone" Dean: "Yes, you can" Sam: "Well, I don't want to." (15x20)

And of course - this detail from the script of 4x2:

we don’t talk enough about sam’s devotion to dean btw

[sophieinwonderland]

Now, why would you dare me to embarrass you and your pals like that?

I appreciate how you wanted my attention so bad you posted me to not one, but two subreddits.

Makes a girl feel special! 🤣

I have actually never seen Wikipedia cited as a source about endogenic plurality. Though I do see anti-endos all the time, when asked for sources, telling people to just Google things.

Anyway, here's @guardianssystem's document filled with academic papers about endogenic plurality:

I've compiled my own, but honestly, theirs is better organized than mine.

And in the interest of fairness, here are all the anti-endo papers debunking endogenic plurality:

Sorry, I forgot. Those don't exist. Oops. 🤷‍♀️

Echo chamber? LOL!

Weren't you the one spouting a bunch of lies on Tumblr, got totally debunked, posted the people who debunked you to r/systemscringe to have a hugbox where fakeclaimers could assure you how the people who contradicted you are all fakers, and then blocked everyone who disagreed with you?

Weren't you also the one who, when shown a quote from an expert in dissociative disorders who worked on the DSM-5 saying that a disorder isn't a disorder if it doesn't cause distress, argued that the people who defined what disorder are must be wrong about that definition?

You're a misinformation machine who can only find support when huddled in cringe subreddits. Don't try to talk about people in echo chambers.

Also, you know most of psychology is just... listening to people? That's how it's been as long as the field existed. DID (or MPD at the time) was a recognized disorder since long before the first brain scans were conducted on DID patients. It's saying something though when basically every single scientist who has ever researched endogenic plurality has said they believe it's a real thing, or that it could be. While absolutely zero academic papers have expressed that it's fake.

There is also an fMRI study into tulpa systems that's been in the works, but results have yet to be published.

Sure, if that's what you'd like me to call you, Crazy. 😊

Anyway, Crazy, you should know that just because you personally find something scary doesn't mean everyone will or that the thing is bad. Personal preferences are a thing.

In a study of tulpamancers though, most generally reported their lives becoming better after the practice.

78% reported improvements in their mental health, and 91% on overall life.

There are many out there who would jump at the chance to have someone there with them that knows them intimately, and to never have to be alone again.

If it's not for you, then so be it.

But it's certainly not something to be afraid of.

And maybe, for those who are willing to commit to the practice while America struggles with an epidemic of loneliness, it's something worth being open to.

This is actually pretty fair.

But that's now, and I'm looking at course of history and trends of plural acceptance.

300 years ago, any plural would be viewed as demon possessed and end up tortured or killed for their plurality.

70 years ago, all plurality was seen as a mental illness, and it was common to force plurals, as well as anyone else associated with mental illnesses, into asylums.

30 years ago, the first real plural communities were able to connect on the internet and form in small numbers.

8 years ago, the first studies into endogenic plurality started being conducted. 4 years ago, the ICD-11 acknowledged that you could have multiple distinct personality states without a disorder. 2023 marked the first, but certainly not the last, time a system used their system name as an author of an academic paper.

Recently, new plural resources have been designed and put into use. More servers than ever are using Pluralkit. And Simply Plural went from 100k users at the end of 2021 to 210k at the end of 2022.

Progress is happening far more rapidly than you realize. And you had best be ready for it.

BOO! 👻

Oh, hey, I just realized... this is literal pluralphobia!

Liberté!

Egalité!

Fraternité!

And yes, The Future is Plural! 😜

[dumbthinmint]

Sending you lots of love Minty, I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💚

Thanks. I'm honestly doing surprisingly well. Had a few moments over the course of today while writing out my thoughts and compiling evidence* where my brain was just like "TIME TO PANIC NOW" and I felt really sick and violated, but overall I've been surprisingly avoiding most of the pervasive paranoia and anxiety that normally comes after something like this. Could be a whole lot worse, honestly.

*pro tip: if you're ever in a situation where you have even the slightest suspicion it might end up being something you have to recount to a cop or in court, first thing you do is take ALL the screenshots and write down EVERYTHING that comes to mind. Dates, times, what happened for certain, what happened maybe possibly and why you suspect that, EVERYTHING. Treat it like a freaking diary that will be read by a detective trying to solve your murder. ANYTHING that might be relevant put it in there and make sure you take screenshots to back up any claims you make. Seriously I started my document in August 2018 and it took maybe 20 pages to recap what had happened over the previous year and a half. Since then updating it meticulously it's November 2019 and the thing is nearly SEVENTY pages long.

[yaz-the-spaz]

I'm sure you've noticed me stalking your blog these past two days lol and I have another question if you dont mind. In my last ask you said you had some theories about zayn leaving ot4vszayn etc and I was wondering if you would expand upon them? If you dont want to write it all out, you can point me towards certain tags or other blogs if you want. I've been looking through your tags and have found a lot but I wanted to know if there is something that might be more like a timeline of sorts? Thx!!

hey there! here i finally am, so sorry to have kept you waiting but i hope this reply finds you well! :) 

now onto your questions…

so as far as a timelines @bakagamieru has some really good masterposts (x, x) that i would recommend checking out that really break things down play-by-play and i think most of which was compiled as it was happening so it’s a super great (and super detailed) documentation of all the shit that was going down during that period and all the narrative inconsistencies and stunts and back and forth, etc. they’re quite long though and, like i said, very detailed so i would recommend making sure you have plenty of time on your hands before you get sucked down a masterpost and link rabbit hole lol

and for more thoughts/theories of mine i would say check my zayn vs. ot4 tags (x, x - sorry there’s multiple iterations of this, apparently sometimes i had put a period after vs and sometimes i didn’t and now i have two tags smh at my own damn irritating inconsistency)

now onto the meat of your question, which is my current theories on zayn leaving/the zayn vs. ot4 narrative which i’m gonna put as a read more cause i’m not in the mood for ppl coming for me if they disagree, so read at your own risk folks…

so over the years there’s four main theories that i’ve personally gone back and forth over, which i’m gonna summarize quickly and try and explain as succinctly as i can my thoughts on each one and my opinion on the likelihood of it holding credence

disclaimer before i get into the explanations - a large part of my reasoning has to do with the caveat of there possibly being any kind of real tension or bad blood between zayn and louis in particular or any of the other boys. not saying that it was necessarily actually the case, just that it was a potential factor that went into my rationale and personal mental debate over the whole situation

he was coerced in some shape or form to leave and instead of fighting it, went along with it (maybe b/c he was already unhappy) - if there ever was actually any real animosity between him and louis (or harry/niall), this could explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him b/c he might have felt that zayn could’ve/didn’t fight hard enough or went along with it too easily. but all that aside, even if there was no tension between him and louis/the boys, this option makes a lot of sense because given all he talked about going through in the band (depression, the e.d., too much pressure, not having control or being able to do what he wanted, the intense and rampant closeting putting a strain on his relationship, etc.) it’s not hard to see how he might’ve felt this was the best and only option

he was coerced into leaving, tried to fight it but couldn’t (and possibly even knew for a while that it was coming) - this wouldn’t explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him but instead does put more credence into the fact that that was completely contrived and pushed by mgmt, and is also just as likely as #1 to me for pretty much the same reasons, not to mention it explains some shady things that happened in the months leading up to it re him not being there for certain promo obligations and appearances, etc.

he was coerced into leaving and had absolutely no choice about it and no way to fight it (i.e. didn’t necessarily want to leave but still knew for a while that it was coming) - pretty much same reasoning as above for this one, the only difference being that in this scenario he wouldn’t have wanted to leave at all which given all he went through i just don’t know if i believe that was wholly the case (more on this below) 

he chose to leave completely on his own - although it would explain any lingering animosity, this to me is the least likely in large part because i just have a hard time believing he would have chosen all on his own to just up and leave in the middle of a tour, not to mention been allowed to (esp given that they would’ve all known they had the hiatus coming up not long after and were about to go the countries where zayn specifically probably have had the biggest following/fan support - the middle east and north africa). but even if he hypothetically really did choose it all on its own it’s hard for me to believe that he would have even been able to leave like that unless there was some element of complacency from their mgmt that allowed it to happen and then you have to wonder why would they just let 1/5 of their biggest money maker walk away with no law suits, no drama, no nothing. it stinks of a larger plan at play which is what brings me back to the theories above. 

those are the main theories that i’ve gone back and forth on and i’ve never really been able to settle on just one, but to me given all that he expressed after leaving the most likely are the first two. i think all of the boys were pretty much done with how they were being treated, but zayn especially so, and it’s very easy for me to see how, when the opportunity arose he might have accepted because he felt it was the best way to save himself (as in his mental and physical health) and possibly also his relationship, though whether that acceptance was with a little (theory #1) or lot (theory #2) of initial opposition on his part, who’s to say. however, i definitely believe that, regardless of the details, there was some element of seeding and/or coercion from tptb, esp when considered in context with the shadiness of certain things, like him not being at certain events that he should’ve legally been obligated to be at in the months leading up to his leaving if no one but him knew he was planning on leaving. or him crying at the last concert that he performed at. those do not seem to be like the actions of a man who wanted to leave completely of his own accord and without any degree of finessing by mgmt to orchestrate it. when you’re a mega popstar in the biggest band in the world you don’t just not show up to something. that’s the type of situation where people will literally come to your house and drag you out of bed because you’re costing them a shit ton of money (like millions of dollars worth of money) by not being there. there’s tons of stories of rock stars where managers or someone from their team would literally go bang down a missing band member’s door, shove them in the shower to sober them up or help them whatever they needed to do, and drag their ass on stage to perform or to a press event or whatever. so you can bet that nothing less, if not the same, would be done for a missing member of a multi-billion-dollar-making band if need be. 

so yeah zayn just not showing up for promo events and performances in the months leading up to his leaving? not believable to me at all. the only conceivable reason for him not to have been there is if mgmt didn’t want him there and the only reason (at least that i can think of) for why you wouldn’t 1/5 of your biggest money-maker to be somewhere he should have been legally obligated to be (and that might’ve cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars for him not to be) is if he wasn’t legally obligated to be there because you were already in the process of phasing him out. ergo it was very likely planned. months in advance. and if it was planned months in advance with the help and orchestration of mgmt then that story of him just deciding to up and leave is complete bs and makes it even more likely to me that there was a level of coercion (because again if 1/5 of your biggest money maker suddenly says to you ‘i wanna leave’ you’re gonna do everything in your power to make him stay so you can keep making money, not help phase him out. unless of course you want him out, which they clearly did.)

one last thing i wanna add is a link to a post i had saved that i feel adds a bit of further credence to all this, it’s nothing concrete but it’s something that helped solidify some things for me when i was a giant ball of confusion over what to believe

anyway, i know that i rambled on forever and this definitely did not end up being as succinct or brief as i had hoped (though lbr when is anything i do ever), but i hope this at least sort of answered your questions and made some amount of sense/was not too incoherent and didn’t completely bore you to death lol

[draibo]

Do you have any kind of "so you want to own an aibo? Here's what you should know" kind of guides? I really want to get an ers-311 specifically and I've watched tons of YouTube videos and read things on here. I just want to know as much as I can before I get an aibo. Things like recelling (hope that's the right word) batteries, the pink stick, how to change the software they use/what are the differences in the key softwares of 311s? Sorry that's a lot I know, but thank you!!!

No problem! Thanks for asking. :)

Where’s the guide?

I actually don’t have a guide (nor do I know of a guide) for general AIBO purchase/ownership. AIBO’s a pretty complex topic- compiling all of the basics in one place could take ages! So while I can’t recommend to you a single document that can teach you all there is to know about AIBO, I can point you in the direction of the AIBO community and the massive amounts of info that come with it!

Tumblr’s served as a kind of new ‘hub’ of casual AIBO activity, but if you’re looking for the enthusiast group and hard information you’ll want to check out http://aibo-life.org/ ! The forum’s been around almost 20 years now, and while it previously served as a home base for the US community, over the years it has pretty much become the sole forum for AIBO discussion. I’d highly, highly recommend signing up if you’re interested! People there absolutely love to answer questions and there’s a decade-long archive of posts that cover almost every topic imaginable.

There are a few newer places on the ‘net that harbor a good amount of activity as well! There’s a robotchat Discord server that I admin that harbors a really active community of AIBOwners (shoot me a message if you’d like the link! everyone’s welcome) and https://www.aibo-connect.org serves as a sort of modern alternative for the older, aging AIBO forums that not everybody’s used to using.

Let me answer a couple of your specific questions, too!

Recelling

If you’re buying an AIBO in junk or unconfirmed condition it’s basically a given that the lithium ion battery has discharged and will need it’s cells replaced and it’s EEPROM reprogrammed.

For those reading-

Don’t try to recell a battery yourself!

Don’t send an AIBO battery to a consumer battery shop!

Don’t send your battery to the eBay/Yahoo! Japan user NipponDeals/iioshin

Always send your battery to a trusted community member!

There are currently two places to go get your batteries recelled- Bruce of the AIBOranch in California (contact him on aiboranch.com or via his AIBO-Life account) and Yaba  in the UK (at https://aibodoctor.com/ and his AIBO-Life account). The US repairwoman, Fleur, currently does not do recells.

You might be wondering why I put so much information in bold and direct text. AIBO batteries are a proprietary system and are much more than some battery cells wired to contacts in a container. If you don’t know exactly what you’re doing (meaning you’ve been trained by someone who repairs AIBO batteries) please don’t attempt to fix your battery yourself, or you will break it and be forced to find a replacement (probably 100+ bucks in nonworking condition on open market.)

The PMS (Pink Memory Stick/Programmable Memory Stick)

There are 4 main types of memory sticks that you’ll encounter in your AIBO travels.

First, let me explain what makes AIBO memory sticks special. In order for software to boot on AIBO, there must be a special block of hexadecimal data stored away on the memory stick. This data is unique for each software (but there’s one type for ‘Programmable Memory Stick’ software) and absolutely has to be on the stick- no exceptions. 

The first is this variety- the fabled Pink Memory Stick. Unfortunately these things are hard to come by nowadays. Over time they’ll only become more and more rare. What makes this special is that the ‘PMS’ encryption is already included on the memory stick, making the pirating of that specific encryption unnecessary. But it’s not worth doling out tons of money for.

If you’re not interesting in paying for a PMS stick or are looking into software pirating (not condoning this, by the way) you can pick up one of these standard blue sticks. 16MB is considered standard but you can go to 32MB for 2x0 and 3x0. For the ERS-7′s you can go to 128MB. The 1x’s appear to only take well to 16MB max.

Look into StikZap, or ask people on the Discord server. They’ll be happy to help you out :)

Standard AIBO software sticks! These are almost always pink with an OPEN-R label, with two exceptions- the original 110 and 111 AIBOware, which didn’t need encryption, and MIND 3 for the ERS-7, on a dark blue magicgate stick but with a special label. No need to tamper with these unless you plan on resetting them.

or any other ‘non standard’ memory stick type)You’ll also probably stumble upon one of these. When StikZapped, these can run in AIBO but are famous for incompatibility errors that pop up in infuriating ways. Worth avoiding.

Changing Software

To change the software in your AIBO, you exchange the memory stick! Here’s the battery/stick compartment on Bruno-Bruno, my ERS-7. The ERS-311 looks pretty similar to this. The little button next to the MIND 3 stick ejects it. You pop your new software in and play away!

Software Differences

Before the ERS-311, AIBO software had a lot of focus on utility. There was a personality that grew your AIBO from baby to adult that they updated later (Life 1 and 2), a software that starts from an adult for those uninterested in raising AIBO (Hello AIBO! Type A, kind of replaced by AIBO Explorer) and a whole slew of other softwares that fulfilled tasks- Navigator for teleop, Messenger for mail, AIBO EYES for other wireless functions, Party Mascot for party games, etc. The ERS-311 has none of this. Basically every software you try for the ERS-311 will be a “personality” rather than a utility.

Here’s a list of all the 311 ware and their general differences:

AIBO Life - A personality that grows AIBO from a baby. Infamous for having a bit of an uneven balance in growth and typically becoming very mopeyAIBO Pal- Adult AIBO personality, pretty standardAIBO Pal SE- Version of Pal released around the same time as the ERS-31L IIRC, dances a lotChatty Life- Updated version of AIBO Life with Bluetooth compatibility. Japanese only. More balanced than the original. Hello AIBO! Chatty- An adult personality with Bluetooth compatibility. Not much known about it. Don’t know anyone in the US who uses it.Kawaii AIBO- Extremely active and trick-oriented adult personality, quite intricate. Bluetooth compatible. Many of the tricks are very intensive on AIBO’s small gearboxes and servos, though, and AIBOs who run the personality for many years are infamous for their loud motor noise. Usually this only becomes severe when an AIBO is run every day for years on end but Kawaii is an exception. Loud joints have been nicknamed KJS (Kawaii Joint Syndrome) for this reason.Long Long Panda- Demo panda personality, not really something that you should be buying unless you’re a serious collectorStory AIBO- Also called Namco Story. A personality by Bandai Namco. Very cute, limited in some ways but remembers dates and holidays. Plays little Namco tunes, too!

Whew! That was a lot! Hope this helped! I’m really glad you’re thinking of getting an AIBO, it’s an amazing, tight-knit community and has so much to love. I hope you find the perfect Latte soon. :)

[putris-et-mulier]

Hey. Can I have some advice, or at least, a moment to vent? I've been living with chronic illness for a while now. Ten months ago it got worse and a few months after that, I found out that I was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis when I was younger. Only my mother never told me until I was complaining about the same damn cough for 5 months. I researched it and behold the symptoms match with the symptoms I've been having and (1/3)

lived with for years. Chronic bronchitis is a leading cause of death. And no one bothered to tell me hey you’ve had a chronic illness for years and yea you probably should get on some kind of regular treatment. Much like my ADHD that my mom didn’t believe I had until I was 18 and compiled enough research to write my own article and couldn’t sit still to watch a movie. Anyway, I moved out, got a job at one of the busiest theme parks in the world, proceeded to get sick several times,and then ended up with a chronic cough that wouldn’t go away. Present time. It’s been 10 months since the cough started and no I still have yet to receive treatment cause doctors are fucking expensive and I have no car. I walk to work and there isn’t a dr near where I live that the buses will take me to. Uber is fucking expensive and I’ve got bills to pay. Doctors also give me the worst anxiety. When I went to get my ADHD treated the dr gave me a panic attack and told me that I was wastingwas wasting her time cause I couldn’t afford to pay her up front and the secretary was fucking up the insurance. They don’t listen to me, often give the wrong medicine, and/or always, ALWAYS, have something to say about my fucking weight as though that is what is making me sick. Like yea, could I lose a few pounds? Sure. Is it what’s making me ill? No. And I don’t have the fucking money to spend to try to find a decent doctor that will give me the treatment I need before I end up dying.Today, my chest felt like someone was squeezing my lungs and then setting fire to them while I couldn’t breath. I honestly was afraid that I was gonna pass out. And I understand I do need to get treatment but if it comes down to a dr or having fun and making all the hours I work and the constant stress worth it then I’m gonna go have fun. Cause I work way too much (50 hr/6 day weeks)for someone in my current state of health. I just don’t know. I’m tired and stressed and I have like no Energy™and just sorry for the long ass rant but you seem like the only blog I follow that would probably at least know what I’m dealing with. If that’s the right way to put it? I just feel like its gonna come down between me dying but at least having some semblance of fun or surviving my illness and not much else. I can’t afford both.

As hard as it is for people born disabled, I’m very very lucky to have been put on the disability system when I was a baby. 

People think it’s so easy to get on disability because everyone’s idea of a disabled person is an adult mutate that was physically injured (not that it’s easy for them either) but when you show up and say “I’m sick” but look healthy they disregard you because… Where have you been all these years? If you were really sick you would’ve come earlier.

No one believes you.

I wish I had advice but as of now this is the status quo. You are very lucky to have a documented diagnosis so you do have a little bit of a step up but the truth of the matter is that you have to give up your life as it is now if you want any help.

It’s going to take years, intentionally confusing and convoluted paperwork, neglect, humiliation, verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, and depending on the disability also physical abuse. And that’s just to get on disability in the first place.

Then a few times each year you have to convince them you still need it. I was born disabled and I have a physically visible disability and I still have to keep proving that God hasn’t cured me.

This is why we are disabled. 

If you seek treatment you’re going to have to move outside of society. You can’t keep working, you can’t go do anything fun without considering how it may look if you get caught, you have to move in with family or friends that aren’t sick who will make you sicker with all the stress of being gas lighted not just outside but also inside your home. Or you get institutionalized.

What you’re going through is very common. What you’ve decided on is also very common.

I did it myself as much as possible and was just crossing my fingers hoping that I died before I got to the point where I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I did a lot of fun things and I had a lot of great times. Where I am in my life now, since I didn’t die in time, I’ve had to give up all of that and more. I have to beg someone(s) to let me live each week. I’ve come to terms with my life now becoming nothing but about being disabled and I’m starting to fight back but we are at square one. And I am much weaker and much more ill than I’ve ever been in my life because of all the fun I had.

But I don’t know if I would’ve given up having fun even knowing it’s making my life now nearly impossible. I’m one of the first millennials, the first disabled generation, to get to this stage in being a semi-legal citizen in adulthood so there is no one to look to for advice that knows what this is like.  Or will believe that you’re telling the truth. Other disabled people my age are going through the same thing, none of us really know what’s going to happen or what any of the right answers are.

If I hadn’t stayed in the closet for so long I wonder what I would be like now. Would I be more stable and confident? What if it was still as bad but I didn’t even have fond memories? If I hadn’t been able to relax now and then I may not have even let myself live this long. I have no idea.

The best I can tell you is that you are not alone and as much as it feels like no one can understand your situation there are a lot of people who know exactly what it’s like. But even having that support is risky because you do have to go into disabled communities on the Internet which can risk you being uncloseted.

This is why you are using anonymous. This is why I never turn the option of being anonymous off.

I, for one, will not live in this suffering needlessly. I’ve would’ve committed suicide many years ago as  I had planned on until I finally did involve myself, outside of the closet, in the disabled community online.

It’s not the camaraderie or the support that gave me a will to live. I still feel the same. The difference is I see you guys and I’m living your future. If the only way to live is to suffer then I’m willing to do so in order for you guys to have a little more traction than we have.

It’s not altruistic, it’s petty.

I care nothing for those people in society. I can feel sympathy or empathy but at my core I really don’t care. I care about what’s mine. My being disabled. My place in the disabled community. You guys; my friends.

There is one thing I’m good at and that is pissing socialites off. From a fuckboy on the Internet to a world renowned doctor. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to piss as many of them off as I can because I care about other disabled people.

One of two things can happen: 

1. I’ll just be entertaining other disabled people while I go down in flames

2. I might actually help making a difference toward getting our civil rights by taking some the socialites down with me

I’m happy with either of these. It’s petty but it’ll be fun and this is the only fun currently available to my community.