#sorry rew

[wingsofmud]

The absolute missed opportunity of Icicle being around when Snowfall takes the crown, and somehow ending up as her advisor along with Lynx.

Cause on one hand it's possible Icicle's also trained to be queen and could be a big help while Snowfall finds her footing. On the other hand she spent her whole life training to kill Snowfall's mom and take the opportunity to be queen from her, attempted to kill two of the DoD, and is all around pretty scary...

I just think the Snowfall, Icicle, and Lynx would be a super fun dynamic. Advisors on each shoulder with opposing ideals, but the same goal of helping.

Lynx teaches Snowfall compassion, to think for herself, and to question the status quo.

Icicle teaches her that sometimes, no matter how hard you try or how perfect you are, some dragons will not respect you. You need to beat those dragons' asses.

[rainbowcrowley]

der einkauf of shame wenn man krank is und keine lust (energie) hat, aufwendige dinge zu kochen und sich nur fertigkram holt

ich fühle mich von den rewe mitarbeitern gejudged

[kiochisato]

Hii! Can I please request Hoshino Ruby graphics? It’s totally okay if not, thank you a lot!

hai anon ........ uHM unfortunately im gonna decline this ( don't ask why though ) but you can req this again once reqs are opened !! :'33💔💔

[ejlyt]

that

but even unhingier

Tim's Birthday, he's about to open Bruce's gift

Tim, dead stare at Bruce: If there is any form of hologram in here, I am killing everyone in Gotham, including myself

Bruce, terrified: Oh..., uh, well good thing there's not

Tim: Are you sure?

Bruce: Yes

Tim, opening the present: Oh, a new camera. Neat.

Everyone:

Tim:

Everyone:

Jason: Okay, what the fuck was that about

Tim: He knows what he did.

[heathermason6060]

Daryl Dixon x f!Reader: Together Apart Ch.5

Warnings/Mentions: History of abuse, neglect, strong language, mentions of character death, alcohol and drug abuse, ptsd, shared trauma, reader is cold, angst, fluff, eventual smut, slowburn, angst

Summary: You and Daryl grow closer due to feeling out of place in Alexandria. Just when you think you have the old Daryl back, he leaves.

Notes: I think the chapter after this one will be the last chapter, and finally have some cheesy old fashion love making :D Sorry Daryl vanishes at the end tho ):

It never seemed to end for him. In front of everyone else he was silent, emotionless, an empty body on autopilot. But when you'd walk off into the trees to search for water, it always hit him, no matter how many times he'd thought he'd cried out all out and was done with it. 

He clung to you after her death like never before, constantly walking in your shadow and wordlessly begging for some sort of comfort, reassurance, anything. You did the best you could, which ended up being more than either of you expected. You seamlessly morphed into the familiar elder sister role, mirroring the ways you would comfort your bruised baby brother. 

He put a cigarette out on his hand the one time he went off by himself, and not following him was something you came to regret. 

“Daryl,” the whisper of your voice had him cringing, the sound too empathetic and full of concern, he had to fight to keep himself from cracking when your comfort washed over him. 

“I know… I'm not good with words, or shit like this.” You sighed, maintaining a quiet tone, low enough for the sound of rain and the crackle of fire to cover. 

Daryl remained silent as you spoke. He picked at the skin around his fingers, looking down at his hands in his lap, and the sight of your smaller hand lightly touching his wrist makes him jerk. 

“I can't take away your pain, God knows I'd kill every goddamn piece of shit alive to make you feel better.” Your voice turned shaky, and the urge to cry was becoming overwhelming for the both of you. “But... I can promise you, you'll never have to worry about losing me. I just want you to know, I'm that one thing you don't need to worry about. I always will be.” 

Daryl slowly inhaled through his stuffy nose and nodded, the noise dry and shaky, his eyes burning and unblinking from their gaze on your hand. 

“I know.” He finally spoke and nodded again, as if that would magically set it in stone. “Me too.”

Slipping back into your place in the group dynamic was unpleasant after being alone with Gabriel for that long. It wasn't just one person you had to make an effort for anymore, and deep down you despised it. It was almost comparable to going back to school after summer break. You had to play by the rules again, fit into their perfect perception or risk repercussions. 

The discovery of Eugenes lies was all but a surprise to you. You didn't have some wild sense of intuition, you were just a pessimistic person. Although you kept your opinions to yourself, you didn't predict the extent of how deep his lies had been. The cure was a given, obviously, but the fact he lied about being a scientist as well? Lied about the safe place in Washington too? It took everything you had in you not to cave his face in when you saw the look of disappointment on Daryl's face. That's another reason why you hated being in a group. People didn't deserve to be able to let you down, and sure as hell not the one person you gave a shit about. 

People love to parrot that same ‘it has to get worse before it can get better’ bullshit you'd been told by concerned and empathetic authority figures all throughout your childhood. Safe to say it had lost its meaning to you, even when Daryl tried to lift your spirits. 

Well, it sure got better for everyone else. 

You weren't alone in your suspicions about Aaron. For once Rick and you agreed on something, it was a bad idea to go to Alexandria. But the group convinced him to take a chance, that the rewards greatly outweigh the risks, and you watched with a disapproving glare as Aaron led you all past the gates. 

“I'm just going to ask you a few simple questions, get to know you. You don't mind if I record this, do you?” 

You had a feeling your answer wouldn't make any difference, no matter what you said. You shook your head as you watched Deanna turn her video camera on, the big black lens feeling like an intimidating pit waiting to swallow you up if you gave an answer she didn't like. She rounded the couch and sat down, a tight and professional smile on her lips. 

“Let's start with your name.”

You told her your name, trying to behave despite your stomach growling and the sudden awareness that you smelled and looked awful. 

“Where are you from,” She repeated your name. 

“Georgia. Up North.” 

“Did you work?”

“No.”

“What were you before the outbreak?” When you didn't answer, she elaborated. “Were you a student in school, staying at home, traveling…?”

“After high school I stayed home for a couple years. Took care of my mom.” 

“I understand you're close with Daryl, is that right?” 

You must've visibly reacted to that question, because even after you answered, she pressed for more information.

“Did you grow up together?”

“Kind of, we weren't really friends or anything. He lived nearby and I'd see him around.”

Deanna nodded as if she was your therapist listening to some deep-seated trauma. 

“Did you ask anyone else these questions?” You scratched the back of your arm, beginning to feel uncomfortable. 

“I ask everyone all kinds of questions. I want to get to know you all, it's not an interrogation. You don't need to answer any that you don't want to.”

She finally changed the subject to your relationship with Rick's group. Not that you were eager to talk about it, but at least she wasn't grilling you on Daryl anymore. 

“I've been here since before Rick came and took over. Back in Atlanta. Daryl and his brother Merle came to get me when it happened. I thought maybe they were having some bad trip or somethin'. Ran into my house yelling about dead folks coming back to life and eating people. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably be dead too, but, I think they mainly came to get me because they knew my mom had a stash of cigarettes and drugs.” You were chuckling as you spoke, not realizing you had given up so much information without her even asking. You instantly shut up, the amused smile leaving your face. 

“How do you get along with other members of your group?”

You cringed at the phrasing. They weren't your group, they were Daryl's people, you were just a temporary guest without a set time to leave. 

“Fine. Haven't heard any complaints. Have you?”

“No. But I have heard you don't work well with others.” 

You shrugged. 

“Do you want to be here?” The way she would use your name at the end of every few sentences was starting to get under your skin. 

“I'm kinda stuck with wherever Daryl wants to be.” 

Deanna ended the interview after a handful of other unimportant questions and you were allowed to leave, led to your new house by one of her son's. 

You took the longest and hottest shower of your life, only getting out when Abraham started pounding on the door. It brought back that same feeling of anxiety you'd get when your mother would bang on your locked door in a fit of anger. You nearly ran him over when you burst out of the bathroom, making him drop his change of clothes and call out a disgruntled complaint. 

“Who the hell is this?” 

Daryl looked up from his bag to see you looking down at him, a teasing grin on your fresh face. The image of you being all cleaned up had him momentarily stunned. It had been a while since either of you had seen each other clean like that. 

“Daryl? No way, where's your grease?” You toyed with his damp hair before sitting next to him on the floor near the fireplace, where he'd decided to sleep for the night. 

“Nah, I don't know you. Ya don't smell like bloody rabbits.” He retorted, leaning in to dramatically sniff at you. “The hell is that? Shampoo?”

“Uh, it's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, and toothpaste.” You replied, giving an exaggerated smile to show your clean teeth. 

You shared a few chuckles and jokes as the rest of the group cleaned up and prepared for bed. Even though you couldn't stand the place or the new people in it, the prospect of having your own room with an actual bed had you buzzing with excitement. 

Sleeping next to Daryl wasn't anything out of the ordinary for you. It was an arrangement that happened more nights than not. But sleeping next to Daryl in a safe house, wrapped in clean clothes, soft blankets, and not even the slightest whiff of the outdoors? It was overwhelming. 

You turned on your side to face him, watching as he stared up at the ceiling, the dark room filled with the familiar ambiance of gentle snoring and breathing. Daryl always slept after everyone else, and that night was no exception. 

Despite your instincts telling you not to, you wiggled on the blanket to move closer to him, nuzzling your face in his nearly dry hair, closing your eyes as you inhaled his clean scent. 

He stiffened at first, an automatic reaction which soon faded and he relaxed, tilting his head until his cheek rested against your forehead. He could barely feel the warm tickle of your breath under his jaw, the feeling soliciting a subliminal relaxation. His eyes closed then, and he listened to the barely audible whistle of your nose. He listened as the whistle got softer, slower, and nearly disappeared altogether as you fell asleep. 

Daryl made sure to untangle himself from you the next morning, before anyone else had the chance to wake up and witness your private bond. No one deserved to see that part of him or you, it was intended for the two of you alone, something deeper and more personal than anyone would understand. 

Adjusting to being around people was a challenge that went all the way back to school. Even in Atlanta you struggled with it, going from being a hermit with your sick mother to an adult in a large group of people, it felt like your first day of school all over again. 

That was all nothing compared to being in Alexandria. Not only were you surrounded by people that annoyed you, but another larger group of people you knew absolutely nothing about. 

They bestowed heavy responsibilities on you as well. It wasn't just scraping by washing clothes and hunting, it was work. Hard work. Wall building, gardening, work inside Alexandria, work outside their walls, near constant supply runs, and cooking. 

Parties. Pasta for dinner. A seemingly limitless flow of sparkling amber champagne. Some kid was walking their fucking pet dog on the sidewalk. 

It felt insulting. Their first impression on you firmly implemented your personal views towards them. Spoiled, weak, wearing faces of false persona, wives chittering like hens with warm knowing smirks. Husbands and men who always smiled like the sun, going out of their way to do things they considered nice for you, then putting on a somber and humble face if anyone had praised their hard work, dedication, and sacrifices. Sacrifices that basically ensued going to the grocery store. 

You hated it. You hated them, you hated their kids, you hated their houses that looked like mansions to you, and you hated the way Rick's group treated it like they'd walked through the bright pearly gates and not the glorified pretentious prison that it was. 

To your relief Daryl didn't quite like it either. 

“They invited us to what?” You didn't believe him when he said it to you as he stared around your new room. 

“Said it was a welcoming party.” He grunted, fingers picking at the edges of a tacky poster of a puppy on the wall. 

“A party? What do you mean a party?” 

“Dunno.” He sighed, throwing his hands up in muted exasperation. “S’jus what she said.” She being Deanna, the same woman who took away your guns, which yours had grown to be quite the impressive collection. But you being your hardened and sneaky self, you'd managed to smuggle two of your handguns into your room. Daryl got to keep his crossbow, of course, and you your own recurve bow, it was the bare minimum aside from your knives, which the others were allowed to keep as well. Sadly, you'd end up breaking that bow a few days later by slinging it at Pete's head.

“And everyone's going?” You pressed on from your seat on the bedroom dresser. 

“Dunno. Goddamn, told you what she told me, you know s’much as I do.” 

You went to the party. Of fucking course you would, they had full on meals with all the food groups, they had alcohol, they had little appetizers and finger foods you'd only ever seen on tv and in magazines, you'd be an idiot not to. The only con was the house was stuffed with people. You could barely make it two steps without bumping into a new face. 

You didn't stay long at all, leaving the second your stomach felt full, and you had a decent buzz going on. You snuck out the back door and snagged the half empty bottle of champagne on your way out. 

“Ya went?” Daryl was surprised to see you walking down the sidewalk in new clothes. The black button up hung a little loose on you, the sleeves bunched up around your elbows, the hem falling all the way past your ass. 

“I may not like those people, but they make some damn good casserole.” You snickered, popping out the metal reusable cork and taking a deep drink. 

Daryl grabbed the bottle from your outstretched hand and downed nearly the whole damn thing in three gulps. 

“Yeah yeah. Go on, help yourself.” 

He gave a weak grin at your playful scoff before handing the bottle back to you. 

“You remember what I said back in Atlanta.”

You looked to your side at Daryl as the two of you walked down the dimly lit path back to your new residence. “Gotta be more specific.” 

“Bout takin’ their shit an’ hauling ass outta there.” 

“Yeah. One of my biggest regrets is talking you out of it.” You sighed, your tone no longer playful and lighthearted. “We could be all the way across the country by now. Would still have Merle bitching out ears off and ranting about some racist conspiracy theory.” 

Daryl suddenly chuckled. “You ‘member that time he was tryin’ to come up with slurs for walkers?” His amused grin spread further when you erupted into laughter at the memory. “What was it he called ‘em? Rotters? Pus-suckers?”

“Yeah, those were some of the tamer ones.” At the time you'd been annoyed by Merle's constant need to remind you that the three of you were better and more superior than anything and anyone around you, but all this time without him and his humorous outlook on life, you missed it. You even missed when he'd belittle you, at the end of the day he still was sexist, despite the obvious care he held for you. 

“Why'd you ask though?” 

“Dunno.”

“Daryl.”

“Everyone's safe now, ain't gotta worry about ‘em anymore.” 

You kept quiet as he fought for the words to convey his thoughts. It was obvious he felt like the odd man out again, it was impossible not to, in a place as nice as Alexandria. The rest of the group had effortlessly slipped into their places in the new environment, if you were an onlooker, it would look as if time had frozen in place for the small neighborhood and its citizens. 

But Daryl, and you, it wasn't easy like that. You never had a normal life like this, so you had no default state to regress to. Daryl had only changed a little since the start, and you hadn't changed much at all. Your skin felt like it was burning with electricity at the insinuation in his words. 

“I'll go wherever you go, you know that.” You nodded firmly. “Just say the word.”

He ended up going to Carol with his vague plan, and then Rick. You don't know what they said to him, but the next morning he told you he wanted to give it a few days before he made his decision.

You should've just made the decision for him. You should have grabbed your stuff, packed your bags, and stole one of their cars and left. Because a few days turned into a hell of a lot longer. 

It wasn't all bad, the two of you grew even closer due to his feelings of being an outcast once again surfacing. It was the same for you, which caused you to cling onto him tighter than before. You slept on the same ratty mattress in your room, sometimes cuddling, but most of the time on separate ends.

You watched more people die around you, which was something you'd become bitterly accustomed to. Aiden, one of Deanna’s sons, and Noah, who you'd never spoken to before. Rick made some trouble for himself getting wrapped up in the wife of the town surgeon, and all hell broke loose after that. Pete lost his shit and accidentally killed Deanna's husband, and Rick killed Pete. As if there hadn't been enough blood shed, a hoard of walkers became an issue just as things started to calm down. 

You didn't like the role that'd been assigned to you. You were being seen and tasked as a protector, sent out by Rick with Abraham and a handful of others to build strategic walls for his master plan of relocating the hoard. 

Another thing you didn't like was the way people's views towards you changed. People who once never even spared you a second thought were speaking to you, making an effort to get to know you, and it was just as unsettling as that time Rick invited you over for dinner. 

“Too pretty to be so sad all the time.” Abraham had said once as you dug a hole for the wooden pillar. 

“I'm not sad.” You muttered, stepping back as three men lifted the wood into the hole. You poured in the instant concrete and took your gloves off to get a drink of water.

“So you just always have that sour look on your face then, huh?” 

“Only when I'm around people I don't know.” Or like, you thought to yourself. 

“I've known you for how long now? Course you know me. And Sasha, and Rosita, and-”

“You're people I'm stuck with. Doesn't mean I know you.” 

“Tsh.” He snorted, folding his massive arms across his equally massive chest. “So you're just a bitch then?” 

“Yeah.” 

One would think that conversation would've been enough to get the point across. No, sadly, it only made things worse. Rick ended up giving you jobs with more people, and you quickly caught onto the convenient way Daryl was almost never in those assigned groups. 

Rick was in charge, that was undebatable, but he wasn't in charge of your free will. You did your work as he asked, most of the time faster than expected, and spent every second of your free time with Daryl, even if it meant pulling four different jobs a day. 

It worked like that for a while, and eventually you did begin to change. Not you exactly, moreso your attitude had changed. You became less closed off, no longer baring teeth and claws as a constant warning. You actually enjoyed spending time with Abraham, as he was one of the only people that called you out for being shitty, he wasn't scared of your mean mug or the harsh bite of your words. It wasn't just Abraham you started to like. Maggie, Carol, Rosita, Michonne, and sometimes Tara, the small group shifted from strangers to acquaintances, some would call you their friend. They'd eventually worn down your hard exterior and you experimented a little with conversation and generosity. Carol was the exception, it was you who had to pursue her. Trying to become genuine friends with her was hard, it made you realize how hard everyone else had been trying with you. 

You even started decorating your room a bit. Nothing fancy, just a few homemade shelves and displays for your numerous weapons. You made a special one above your futon, the only object it held was the small gold tinted shell of a used bullet. 

All good things must come to an end. 

You sat alone in your shared room for the third night in a row, silent on your lumpy mattress, your eyes burning in effort to hold back tears. 

He hadn't even told you he was leaving. 

@ophelialaufey @carlgrimesgfofficial @theskinniestjackson-denny @dilfish-daydreams @my1fx @jinx-nanami

[kairiscorner]

no thoughts just miguel turning into a cat. like a literal cat bc of sum villain did sumn to him on a mission and we have to babysit him. him as a cat would be so grumpy and would hiss if anyone touched him but ofc miguel o’purra has a soft spot for us ( • ̀ω•́ )✧ he’d be the purrfect cat me thinks plus bonus points bc him as a cat is 100% extra clingy and demands to be perched on your lap or shoulder at all times <3

AWWWWWW ngl this is reminding me of the tropes in cartoons i used to watch as a kid, where like, the only way for a stubborn character to get with the person they secretly like is through being an animal the character doesn't realize that's actually them (this sounds so fucking confusing i'm sorry) but yeah, I WANNA DO THAT FOR THIS HEUHEUHUEHUE

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 – miguel o'purra and you.

miguel o'purra is a very angry kitty, one that loves to hiss, scratch, and bite—though, when you're rubbing that sweet spot on his stomach all slowly and gently... he lives up to his name and quits being grumpy for a bit and just purrs as you rub that spot on him.

miguel o'purra is a bratty kitty, he hates not getting what he wants—despite hearing his own, normal voice in his own head, he hates it when lyla nor anyone else at the spider society can understand his angry purrs of frustration when he's asking for updates on anomalies or for a leg (or paw) up to get something because... he's such a small little kitten now.

miguel o'purra refuses help, he kicked ben reilly in the face when the blonde guy picked him up and cooed to him, and he hissed at jess when she baby talked the cute little thing. he definitely scratched peter b multiple times when the stubborn brunette tried getting the cat to warm up to him, but no, he was a very grumpy kitten that didn't want anyone to do things for him.

miguel o'purra hates everyone at HQ, he can finally be vocal about it through his incessant hissing, scratching, biting, kicking, and... littering on others' desks as revenge for taking your attention away from him while he was still human. it's petty, sure, and he did debate with himself whether or not to do this because it is pretty disgusting—but he can't help but want you to tend to him, your touch is the nicest and softest to him, why can't he be in your arms for the whole day while he's like this? without having to worry what you think of him the next day because he's just a cute, helpless, furious little furball that just so happens to prefer you over everyone else.

miguel o'purra is not appeciative of the fact you kindly named him 'mr. furball', he glares at you every time you call for him like that. he finds it a little degrading, too, because he still has his human consciousness intact; he's just in the body of a cat. though, he does like how your eyes light up and how your smile widens whenever he walks over to you and nuzzles up by your legs whenever you call for him, it warms his little heart, though he isn't sure why.

miguel o'purra knows he should be hatching up a plan to break this stupid spell that has technically incapacitated him in this feline form, but... he can finally have a day of rest since you insist on giving this cute kitty you found the most proper grooming and makeover fit for royalty, royal cats, that was.

miguel o'purra doesn't mind how your hands are all over his furry little body as your brush his hair, trim his long claws, how you boop his little paw pads that make him purr lowly whenever you touch the sensitive pads on his paws—and when you rub in between his ears all gently, just stroking his head all hypnotically and repetitively... he smiles a little, and it warms your heart so, so much.

miguel o'purra despises baths, however—he has such killer instincts whenever you're about to put him in the bath full of water, his archnemesis. he literally spreads all his legs out and clings on to the walls of the bathtub to stop you from putting him in the bath, aggressively hissing in resistance.

miguel o'purra loves being rewarded for such good behavior. he loves being stroked on his back and on his head, on those sweet spots he loves being touched on so, so much. he's relaxed like this, being on your lap while you work and try finding miguel, not knowing he was right here on your lap as 'mr. furball', but you didn't need to know that.

miguel o'purra accidentally brushes his little fuzzy paws over your thighs, tickling you. he gets all surprised and arches his back, jolting up, realizing he touched you by accident. you giggle and ask 'mr. furball' why he's so on edge and compliment his fuzzy little paws, with him purring in a questioning tone if you meant what you said. you reassure him and tell him your lap was basically his second home; he feels like he could just live like this forever, but he resists that notion and treads lightly when it came to you and your irresistibly beautiful lap.

miguel o'purra doesn't want to leave your side; he's always perched on your lap and will hiss at and swing his claws at anyone who dares take you away from him. you tell him you aren't going anywhere, but he doesn't buy it—he wants to go with you and protect you, even as a cat; he has claws for a reason, and he's unafraid to use them now, especially as a cute, fuzzy little clingy furball that loves you dearly.

tags !! @miguelswifey04 @hearts4gabri @hisachuu @wreakingmarveloushavok @fictarian @yuridopted0 @simsrandomstuff @luvstarrstruck @popeheywardssecretgf @meeom @arachnoia @melovetitties @fable-library @ophanimgold @smokeywhalee @capnshtfce

[sirenlulls]

get him back! → theburntchip

pairing , theburntchip x youtuber!reader

summary , where, in lieu of yours and chip’s reconnection, fans find out how it happened, and just why you ended things in the first place.

part one (bad idea, right?)

oh, i wanna get him back! 'cause then again, i really miss him, and it makes me real sad

🔴 Y/n L/n Talks On Breakup, Reconnection, The Launch Of Her Brand, & More! FULL POD EP.77 -Saving Grace

join premiere!

LIVE CHAT !

user: stop i’m actually gonna cry ☹️☹️☹️

user: I KNEW THOSE TWITTER B WORDS WERE WRONG I KNEW THEY DIDNT END BADLY

user: that’s so lala land of them

user: “if i ever complained, i’d be the nagging girlfriend” NO BABY 😭😭😭😭

user: never thought i’d say it but i’m glad they broke up bcs if they hadn’t done it then, it would’ve been MESSY messy

user: off topic but can we please talk about how pretty she is :(

user: “if he ever complained about you, i would’ve given him a belting” YES GRACE 👏👏👏

user: WHY DIDNT WE GET Y/N ON HERE SOONER OMGGGGGG I LOVE THIS DUO SM

user: Sending love from Brazil! XX 🇧🇷🇧🇷❤️❤️

user: stop that’s so sad ☹️

user: she’s so real for the anxiety thing

LIVE CHAT !

user: i feel like i’m watching a tv show

user: “i don’t want to lose this again” and when i start sobbing????

user: ok but is the dick game good

user: HE SWIPED UP ON A COSTA TOASTIE ☠️

user: nah he’s down BAD me too but like 😭

user: he def would’ve thrown a temper tantrum if she didn’t respond

user: grace booing is so real i wanted a kissing in the rain screaming ‘i love you’ confession

user: her smile when she said she’s happy now man they’re literally my parents ☹️

user: Love you both X ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

user: ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

user: the world is healing

user: NAH MAN SWEAR THATS CHIPS BOICE COMING IN NOW

LIVE CHAT !

user: i’m actually gonna cry i missed them sm ☹️😭

user: the camera switching to her looking at him with heart eyes after calling him a bellend is so funny GET HER ASS 👏

user: chip is the new an*rew t*te 🙏

user: oh how i missed him calling her lady and missus

user: he’s the leader of the sassy man epidemic oh lord

user: OMG I FORGOT WHEN SHE YSED TO GO ON COFFEE DATES WITH HIS MUM

user: leave my girl and her spotify playlists alone

user: this has literally made my year

user: just in time for y/n’s fall vids

[tagged: savinggracepod , gkbarry_ , theburntchip]

❤️ liked by georgeclarkeey, georgebxggs, and 98,992 others

yourusername mum! mum! i made it! i’m on saving grace!!!!!! (and i figured i deserved at least one pic of chip from the launch x)

user that episode was the funniest thing ever i can’t even i nearly pissed myself when grace pretended to spank u with the paddle 😭😭😭

user mother ur so gorg i’m speechless

user you know the content is gonna slap when y/n l/n is there

user im so obsessed with u pls

user CAL AND CHIP AT THE FUNCTION SIR 👏🙇‍♀️

user best video in youtube history methinks

gkbarry_ loved having you on babe, even if the boss man gatecrashed 🫶❤️

yourusername he doesn’t like feeling left out smh

theburntchip oh alright then

max_balegde ICONIC!!!!!!

user MY ROMAN EMPIRE

user i hope you know that twt is in flames rn

user i gen teared up a bit when you talked about the breakup 🥹

user icons only

[tagged: ynapparel , nellarose , theburntchip]

❤️ liked by landonorris, behzinga and 97,872 others

yourusername self representing by wearing @ ynapparel the past (and every) week 😩🤭 featuring the love of my life & chip ig…

theburntchip wow alright

theburntchip i thought you were a g 😔

yourusername oops sorry babe

theburntchip we’re over smh

yourusername oh no… what a shame ☹️ anyway… hot girl winter!!!!!!

theburntchip the fits are fire though 😮‍💨

yourusername as always x

user EATING SLAYING DEVOURING

user OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

user forever obsessed with u

user graduated from cuntingtion university with an phd in slaying

nellarose love you bae x

calfreezy chip looking dashing as per usual

theburntchip aye thank you brotha

nellarose AYYYY LOOKING SEXY 🔥🔥🔥🔥

yourusername ALL YOU BABY 💋💋💋

ynapparel looking good and dressed to kill 😉😇🩷

user face card NEVER declines

lissiemackintosh this barbie is my mother

user ur so real lissie

faithlouisak doll 🤩

alice_hez 😍🔥🖤

user WHATS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 64?????

user angel girl 🤍

centralcee 😮‍💨🔥🔥🔥🔥

user NAHHH HES BRAVE COMMENTING ON THE POST W HER BOYFRIEND

user CENCH GET OUTTA HERE MAN

user SIRENSIRENSIREN Y/N BABY RUN!!!!!

user OH??????

user wait am i missing smth why are we freaking out

user @ user cench has always been lowk flirting with y/n, like she interviewed him at some event last yr and he was being so flirty and obviously she was giving him blank wall back BUT when her and chip broke up he got even WORSE like man was always in her comments tryna chat her up and she entertained it a lil but now the bitch is back and he’s bold

user NAH MAN GTFO WE JUST GOT CHIP BACK IN THE PICTURE WE CANT HAVE U RUINING THAT

theburntchip just posted to their story

[rainworldroompoll]

UM guys i accidently set the timer out of habit for 1 day on this poll instend of 1 week

Do I just repeat the poll with the correct time? I dont wanna lose rbs, votes and stuff on it. On the other hand idk if this would get more votes

Pick Your Favorite Rain World Room, Day 312 Semifinals

There is a hidden slugcat in one of the rooms (they can be in any color). If u can see it comment or reblog with where they are and if u are first, u get a cookie!

Credit for game screenshots goes to: Rain World Interactive Map, Rain World Wiki and me

Congratulations for day 311 winners!

[trivalentlinks]

I made Discount (open source) Tumblr Dashboard Bells as a Firefox extension to decorate your tumblr dashboard!

(And they're already reviewed and approved even though I only submitted for review yesterday!)

You can get them here.

(You can also look at the source code. (Here are instructions for downloading Firefox extension source code.) The code is Mozilla Public License v2.0, which I think means you can modify it and/or distribute under the same license if you like (but I'm not a lawyer). In any case, I'd be happy to hear any edit suggestions!)

Once you've added it to Firefox, if you to go to your tumblr dashboard it should have a row of bells at the top like this:

When you mouse over a bell or type the corresponding number or letter (not case sensitive) it should play the sound and light up like below.

(After opening tumblr, you may need to click somewhere on the dashboard to get the sounds to work.)

The keyboard keys you can use are q, w, e, r, t, y, u, i, and digits 1-8, with q, w, e, r, t, y, u, i, being one octave below 1-8. ('i' plays the same bell as '1', which is why there is no 'i' bell.)

You can disable the bells by clicking "Disable Bells". Otherwise they will play when you type the relevant keys even when you are making posts :-(

They unfortunately don't look or sound like tumblr bells. When I made them, I couldn't remember how tumblr bells looked well enough to draw them from memory, and these bells were in the public domain. The sound is vibraphone, instead of jingle bells like tumblr bells were, because I couldn't find jingle bell sounds in even one octave. Sorry about this; that's why they're called Discount Bells.

If you click "Play a string" the div should expand like:

And then you can enter a string and a tempo.

Any character in the string which is not one of q, w, e, r, t, y, u, i, or 1-8 (NOT case sensitive) will be treated as a rest. My preferred rest to use is the comma.

The tempo is in bells per minute (rests count as bells).

For example, my best approximation of Hallelujah (verse and chorus) is:

et,tt,ty,yy,et,tt,ty,yy,ty,yy,yy,tt,et,t,,,,,,,,et,tt,ty,yu,ti,ii,yi,12,12,22,23,33,21,1,,,,,,e,ty,,y,,,,,y,te,,e,,,,,e,ty,,y,,,,,y,te,,,rew,,,,qq

with tempo set to between 200 and 240.

You can find the source code on the Mozilla link provided above. Here are instructions for downloading source code for Firefox extensions.

Hope you give it a try and let me know if you have any thoughts/encounter any issues!

EDIT: I've made an update so that now the bells are disabled by default, so you need to click "Enable Bells" for the bells to work. (I also made them less loud. Let me know if you think they're still too loud.)

[dantefreakdaaaa]

Here to provide! 🔄

The Captain hitting the showers as Wesker does, as he tries to jerk off while panting their name. Before initially doing anything about it, they want to see how far Wesker goes before releasing against the shower walls and turning to spot the Captain leaning against the wall.

“Got a bit of steam left in the tank, rookie?”

After the casual shower sex, they return to their jobs as if it were nothing and people wonder why Wesker’s going around with a limp after hitting the showers.

YIPEE!!!

note: not the greatest at m/m smut (without a trans character) but I will try my best so sorry if it's not great

Smut, no pronouns but reader got a shlong because I want more male reader x wesker

------------------------------------------------------

You entered the showers, stripping of your sweaty clothes and stepping into one of the showers. You crank the water on, hot water running down your back in rivulets as you scrub yourself clean. After a few moments of cleaning yourself you hear a small moan echo through the tiled room. Soon after another one can be heard, along with some gasping and panting. A much later after you try and focus on yourself, a cry of 'Captain' rings out through the room. Your head whips around on instinct and you creep around the showers after drying yourself off, trying to find who called out your title.

And when you found out who called for you, you weren't disappointed.

It was Wesker, STARS' newest addition. He's been under your wing for the past few weeks and he's managed to capture your eye. His somewhat cocky attitude and his determination drew you to him, almost naturally gravitating towards him when you had the chance. And his looks also made you notice him. Pretty and smooth pale skin with soft blond hair. Along with tired, blue eyes hidden behind those sun glasses he wears.

Another thing you like about him was how shy he was. Anytime you were near him he became a mess, tripping over his words (and his feet) whenever he talked to you, avoiding eye contact whenever possible, occasionally biting his lip and blushing whenever you praised him, and here he was, jerking off to you in the showers. You stared at him for a little while, watching his hand pump himself furiously as he let out moans and whimpers of your name. You couldn't even begin to think about what he was imagining, but you knew you we're going to make it a reality with the way your cock began to stand upright. The man in front of you had so much control over you and he didn't even know it.

You watched as he jerked himself off, watch him throw his head back in ecstasy, almost as if he was on cloud nine. Before he could finish himself off you stepped closer to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and resting your chin on his shoulder

"Been fantasizing about me haven't you, Wesker." A smirk grew on his face as you watched him freeze and mumble out apology after apology. You stop him by moving your hand lower, gripping his cock in your hand while yours pushes up against his lower back.

"C-captain-!?"

"The one and only, now tell me.." You paused for a moment and pumped your hand along his shaft, causing him to flinch and whimper from the sudden movement. "Just what exactly..were you thinking about me doing to you, Wesker."

"You were- I was- uh- we we-"

"C'mon, spit it out, we don't got all day."

"You- I was thinking a-about you c-calling me to-to your office and g-giving me a-a rew-reward for all my ha-hard work.."

"Mhm, and just what kind of reward was it Wesker?" You jerked his cock again and he bucked his hips into it this time, desperate to finally cum.

"You- um Y-you bending me o-over your desk.."

The hot water in his shower has turned lukewarm at best but you both didn't notice, too focused on the others body. You press yourself up against him, your erection now more obvious than ever.

"I think I could help you with that fantasy of yours right here, Wesker." A smirk crosses your face as you hear him gasp and whimper, how you so desperately wished to be in front of him to see that cute reaction of his. "Only if you beg for it. So tell me? Should I help you out." After breathing out a shaky sigh he starts pleading but you cut him off before to long. "Face me. I wanna see that pretty face of yours."

You take your hands off of him and watch as he slowly steps around and bites his lip, trying to gain some confidence to speak. He looks up at you and starts to speak, babbling out 'please, please, please' about how he needs it and he needs you. He looked so cute like this, all pink and blushing from the vulgarity of his words.

You cut him off by placing a kiss on his lips, gently nipping at his lower lip. He soon after kisses back and it becomes sloppy, there is no control, no pattern, just two needy people yearning for release. After a little while you pulled away, not without a whine of protest from Wesker.

"Such a good boy for me.." You pretended not to notice how his cock stood a bit prouder and how he trembled at the pet name and continued. "I think I should give you that reward right now. Turn around, hands on the wall." You used your commanding tone for this, watching as he so eagerly did exactly what you asked.

You ran your hands along his back, traveling lower and lower till you got down to his ass, putting one hand on his hip and the other slowly trailed down to his hole. Slipping one finger in to try and make him comfortable, and not without a reaction. Every time you slid another finger into him to loosen him up a loud whimper and moan rang out in the large room. You didn't bother with the noise, to focused on pleasuring Wesker that you didn't react except for smirking.

"Please.." He called out after you continued teasing him, making sure the pain would be as minor as possible.

"Please what, Albert."

"St-stop teasing me-! J-just f-fuck me already-!" He can barely finish his sentence before you've slid part ways into him, your hand returning to his hip.

"This what you want pretty boy, hmm? You want your Captain to fuck you? That's pretty- pretty pathetic." You choked down a moan as you slid farther into him, almost to the base. You were trying your best to take it slow for his sake but he just felt so goddamn good. You waited a moment, watching his body go from stiff to relaxed before sliding in farther, this time he had taken you down to the base, your pelvis slapping against his rear. "Your doing so good for me, taking me so well-"

Soon after you start moving, slowly at first but rapidly picking up the pace, you just couldn't resist him. In only a few seconds Weskers almost yelling, his neglected cock dripping pre-cum.

The shower water wad cold by this point, almost like ice but the heat of your bodies made it unnoticeable.

"C-captain p-plea-ease-" Only a few minutes in and he was already trying to cum. How pitiful.

"But we're just getting started Wesker, you gonna cum already? Pathetic." You pick your pace by a significant amount and keep thrusting into him, his whole body trembling from how good your fucking him. All that can be heard is wet slapping of skin and Weskers moans. "I thought I trained you to have more stamina than that." You wouldn't be surprised if you two get caught but you really don't care. All you cared about now was how wesker was squeezing you so nicely and how cute he looked like this.

He cries out in pleasure, almost howling as he gets closer and closer to cumming. All he can manage to say is your name, chanting it over and over as if it's a prayer.

"C-captain- pleasee let me cum, I need it sooo baddd-" His words slurred together and you didn't even respond at first, too worked up from being inside of him. You were close too, gripping his hip tighter, digging your nails into him.

"You've been- doing so well for your Captain, cum for me Wesker-" Your hips stutter and you pull him down to the base of your cock, letting your milky fluids coat his walls, while his fell onto the floor.

"C-captain I-i"

You slip out of him, watching your fluids drip from his insides.

"You were such a good boy, taking me so well. Now, clean yourself up and get out of here. Don't want anyone to be suspicious now do we." You walked away from him, grabbing your towel and drying yourself off, soon after walking out the showers dressed and ready. About five minutes later your rookie walked out, limping slightly. You watched him only take a few steps before someone asked him what happened. Snickering to yourself as he turns bright pink, before saying he tripped. It was going to be a long day for him.

-----------

ITS DONE !! HOPE YOU LIKE IT I TRIED MY HARDEST

[berrypass-de-murdler]

82. Murder in the Park

Well I feel decent for the first time in a while so I'd love to introduce you to some stuff -

#1, I finally realized that it doesn't matter if people don't care about the cartoon so as long as I have the most dedicated followers, @itzr4v3n, @royalleblue, and @kirvee (sorry for tag ;w;) Your support means everything to me and without it I wouldn't have bothered making it this far in

Now it's time to meet the world's first Inspector Irratino plush-

Ok he's a little more rough than Aureolin.

I can't stop snickering when I look at him he's SO GOOFY HNGGGG

He will be mine forever

Sorry logico your bf's been kidnapped/jk

And also

Designed once more by Fletchinderat here is Superfan Smokey, the problematic 8-year-old dragon who is taller than many adults. A murder superfan and stalker, he is always in Logico's way and loves to commit his own crimes.

DON'T READ THE EPISODES UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED THE FIRST BOOK!!

Logi goes to a park. It’s so fantastic. Except for the dead guy.

LOGICO: OHHHHH, YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME I CAN’T DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF!!! [faceplants and sobs, so mature]

Pearl is there.

PEARL: OI. IH’ PUUHL.

And so are Tangerine and Lavender and Tuscany who also followed him to Hollywood or something??

LOGICO: WH- WHY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? TUSCANY: I have to MONITOR you. LAVENDER: Wouldn’t YOU like to know why. LOGICO: YES I WOULD, YOU BASTARD!!! TANGERINE: We’re doing a good job - we almost distracted him from the murder!

Tusc and Lav glare.

TANGERINE: Oh oops.

Logico legit can’t tell who’s done the murders anymore, because even the ‘innocent’ love to make themselves look as suspicious as possible.

PEARL: A’ A’ U EUHD OV THE REW-BEE TOT’S RAUND E’? SAY ISSA GOOD WAY’TA MUH’DA! LOGICO: …I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying. 

Tuscany is hiding in an ancient zoo with tiny cages and nothing in it. Except her, I guess.

LOGICO: Why are you in a zoo. TUSCANY: DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’M A WILD ANIMAL. And as an academic, I can assert Mx. Tangerine was at the Hollywood sign. LOGICO: Don’t you character-relevant dialogue quip at me, Mother.

Pearl, meanwhile, is attempting to sing.

PEARL: TWUYNK-GULL TWUYNK-GULL WEE’OOL STARE RANDO: MY GOD, SHUT UP!

After thinking of the line over and over again in his head, Logico still can't figure out what the hell Pearl was trying to say to him. He needs to do something better with his time.

(Skype noises)

IRRATINO: LOGUUUU LOGICO: EW, no. How are you doing? IRRATINO: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Logico drops the phone. Into a lake, too!

LOGICO: NOOOOO! IRRATINO: Oh my god Logico don’t cry, Jesus! LOGICO: I’M NOT CRYING IDIOT, I DROPPED THE PHONE INTO A LAKE! IRRATINO: Ohhhh yeah. Wait, how is it still working? 

Logico grabs for it and brings it out, drippin’.

LOGICO: ANYWAY, I’m at the PARK and I need some murder help.

IRRATINO: Yay! I’ll do some marot stuff. 

He does some marot stuff.

IRRATINO: Chancellor Tuscany was seen with a log. LOGICO: How does that help? IRRATINO: [shrug] Gotta go, my dishwater is VERY sad right now. BOOOP!

It turns out Tuscany was STILL running from blackmail… and finally got the person who was threatening her.

TUSCANY: Logico, you monster! You were my prized student and now you’ve exposed two of my murders? LOGICO: You’re keeping count? Not even I do that. TUSCANY: That’s OUTRAGEOUS! I wish you were still in college so I could expel you.  LOGICO: Yes, well, sad things happen sometimes.

Lavender is cheesing by the Hollywood sign when someone runs by and shoves him off the cliff. It’s Tangerine - they finally got their ruby. They wink at the fourth wall and take off.

The end!

Lel that had nothing to do with movies

Anyway I'm feeling better <3 Hope it lasts longer than my last happy break

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[violetisderp]

2 posts in a row egahaahhh, but new AU, now I have 5 🤷‍♀️

There all shared with my little brother lolol

So ig I'll explain this slightly cause- yeah- I can-

(Im sorry)

So, ig the best way to word it as he has 2 forms? The normal one ig and the uh- winged form.

He's the same height, I just for some reason rew ine smaller.

All that happens is; he gets horns, wings and face markings (tail and the black part of of his eyes change)

I just thought it was a silly idea cause I saw posts where he has wings and I'm like; hm.

He's the only one in this AU with wings (although originally i debated given some to DogDay and maybe the others to.)

He's not evil or anything belive it or not.

He dosnt like his wings or other things (i havnt decided why this is a rather new idea) he can willing despawn and respawn his wings and things although if he gets to injuried or stressed they just appear and can't go away u till he claims down lolol.

His personality and age? I haven't decided ethier, i think since in my other AUs he's always 7-12 so in this one I'll make him his cannon age 22 (Along with the McDonald's AU, im also realizing i forgot about DogDay when making the McDonald's AU so- i dont know how to add him in help-)

Anyways, his friends with DogDay in this one, yes the hour of joy happened, yes he hid his wings and stuff for awhile but eventually the others found out (idk how yet)

That's all I got for now lol, sorry for the 5p essays I just like to ramble.

[wabatle]

Hi

So i prolly should have clarified lol but when you gave me the gender for the matchup rew did you mean your gender or whatgender you wanted to be paired up with... CUZ NOW AY YOURE A BOY RIGHT I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GIRL THIS WHOLE TIME DOSNFIWLDNJD

NOO I THOUGHT IT WAS WHICH GENDER I WANTED TO BE PAIRED WITH 😭😭😭

i am a cis female and would like to be paired with a man sorry for the confusion 😭😭😭

[cvnt4him]

there iis not enough wlw fics... I'm starving

I'm so honored you came to ME. for a wlw fic, I do have jirou x female reader and ochako x female reader that's it atm. I do deeply apologize for the lack of wlw content I am so sorry nonnie/nonnette.

My brain is a Trainwreck rn so please do leave reqs of what you'd like to see, for the most part I write for everyone, hq and mha and I will write for all genders just leave a rew n lemme know<3

[ruth-writes]

Die Abenteuer von Bruni dem Brathühnchen: Teil 1

Ich öffne die Augen. Warum ist es schon so hell? Ich schaue auf mein Handy. Fuck, ich hab verschlafen. Im Winter ist es immer so anstrengend aus dem Bett zu kommen. Ich reiße die Bettdecke von mir weg und springe aus dem Bett. Ich ziehe mich schnell an, entscheide mich dann aber doch dafür das ich schon so spät dran bin das sowieso alles egal ist, also frühstücke ich noch in Ruhe und gehe dann schön langsam zur Arbeit. Ich arbeite an so einer scheiß Firma die irgendeinen langweiligen scheiß produziert in der Verwaltung. Ich hasse meinen Job.

Plötzlich höre ich ein lautes bellen. “Nein, Max, nein!” schreit die Besitzerin des Hundes während sie ihn zurückzieht. “Tut mir leid,” sagt sie zu mir.

“Alles gut, ich bin’s gewohnt,” versichere ich ihr.

Jetzt wäre wahrscheinlich ein guter Zeitpunkt zu erwähnen, dass ich ein Brathühnchen bin. Ich weiß, das verwirrt dich jetzt wahrscheinlich, die meisten Brathühnchen werden ja gegessen. Aber ich wurde einfach nie gegessen, also habe ich Deutsch gelernt und arbeite jetzt bei dieser scheiß Firma in der Verwaltung. Ich führe ein ganz normales Leben mit der Ausnahme, dass Tiere mich immer essen wollen.

Ich komme endlich bei der Arbeit an.

“BRUNI!” schreit mein Chef. “Was denkst du eigentlich, dass du einfach hier reinlaufen kannst wann auch immer du willst?”

“Sorry, hab verschlafen,” sage ich und werfe mich an meinen Schreibtisch.

“Hey Bruni,” sagt Hans.

“Hey,” sage ich zurück. Hans ist mein bester Freund.

“Hey!” sagt noch eine piepsige Stimme hinter mir. Ich drehe mich um und erschrecke mich hart. Was zum fick ist das denn? Vor mir steht… ein Brathühnchen? Aber das kann nicht sein. Ich bin das einzig sprechende Brathühnchen der Welt! Aber anscheinend doch nicht. “Ich bin Lola,” sagt das Brathühnchen. “Ich arbeite ab heute hier. Mir wurde schon gesagt, dass hier noch ein Brathühnchen arbeitet, aber ich konnte es nicht glauben. Ich dachte immer, ich bin die einzige!”

“Ja, das dachte ich bis jetzt auch,” antworte ich. “Ich bin Bruni, freut mich, dich kennenzulernen.”

Der Rest des Tages ist super. Lola ist richtig lustig. Brathühnchen scheinen immer toll zu sein. Abends gehen ich, Hans und Lola in eine Bar. Lola passt super zu mir und Hans dazu, und es ist richtig schön mit jemandem, der es wirklich versteht, über the daily struggles des Brathünchenseins zu reden. Als Hans kurz weggeht, schaut Lola mir auf einmal direkt in die Augen.

“Bruni, ich muss dir was sagen.”

“Was denn?”

“Wir sind nicht die einzigen zwei Brathühnchen.”

“Was?”

“Ich wusste auch schon länger, dass du hier bist. Wir Brathühnchen haben unsere eigene geheime Gesellschaft. Aber du bist als als Kleinhühnchen wohl irgendwie zu den Menschen gelangt, weshalb ich jetzt hier bin, um dich zu retten.”

Jetzt bin ich vollkommen überfordert. “Was. Wovor den retten? Mir geht’s gut!”

Lola seufzt. “Hans kommt gleich zurück. Treffe mich morgen um Mitternacht bei diesen Koordinaten.” Sie schiebt mir einen Zettel über den Tisch.

Hans kommt zurück und setzt sich wieder zu uns. Irgendwie kann ich mich den Rest des Abends nicht mehr aufheitern lassen. Später liege ich im Bett und kann nicht schlafen. Sagt Lola die Wahrheit über die anderen Brathühnchen? Es ist schon komisch, wie sie einfach so aufgetaucht ist, ohne das ich jemals zuvor was von einem Brathühnchen gehört habe. Sollte ich mich morgen mit ihr treffen?

Morgen um Punkt Mitternacht stehe ich mit Hans in einer Gasse zwischen einem Rewe und einem schlechten Bäcker.

“Wieso hast du ihn denn mitgebracht?” stutzt Lola, als sie zu uns kommt mit einem Koffer in der Hand. “Hab ich es nicht offensichtlich gemacht, dass niemand davon wissen soll?”

“Ohne Hans mache ich nichts,” erkläre ich.

Lola verdreht die Augen. “Na gut.” Sie öffnet ihren Koffer und legt ihn auf den Boden. “Ihr müsst nur in ihn reinsteigen. Ich mache es einmal vor, ja?”

Bevor ich irgendetwas erwidern kann ist sie schon in den Koffer gestiegen und ist auf einmal weg. Ich schaue Hans an. Er ist sehr hilfreich und zuckt mit den Achseln. Ich entscheide mich dafür, Lola zu folgen.Ich lande in einem seriös aussehenden Raum. Lola ist schon da und Hans landet neben mir. Lola schnippt und hat den Koffer auf einmal wieder in der Hand.

“Bruni! Wie schön, dass du da bist. Und wer ist dieser Mensch?”

Ich drehe mich um. Da ist ein ungekochtes Brathühnchen. “Das ist mein bester Freund Hans. Wer sind Sie?” frage ich.

“Ich bin die demokratisch gewählte Präsidentin der Brathühnchen.”

“Aha.”

“Wir hoffen, du oder auch ihr entscheidet euch zu bleiben,” führt die Präsidentin fort.

“Wieso sollten wir denn einfach in ein anderes Universum ziehen?”

“Naja,” sagt Hans, “wir hassen unsere Jobs.”

“Aber Arbeit ist doch nicht das einzige im Leben,” antworte ich.

“Vielleicht nicht, aber die andere Hälfte meines Lebens besteht aus dir. Und dich hätte ich ja.”

Ich drehe mich wieder zur Präsidentin. “Was ist bei euch denn so toll das wir hierher kommen sollten?”

“ALLES ist bei uns besser als in eurem scheiß Menschenuniversum!” schreit die Präsidentin, auf einmal ganz aufgeregt. “Wir Brathühnchen sind alle von Grund auf radikal links und wir hassen Kapitalismus. Das geht gar nicht anders, das ist so in unserer DNA verankert. Außerdem sind uns unsere Mitbürger wichtig, und wir kümmern uns um sie, wenn sie Hilfe brauchen. Wenn ihr zu uns kommt, dann müsst ihr nicht mehr scheiß Jobs haben die ihr hasst, sondern auch wenn ihr den Job nicht so toll findet werden ihr super Arbeitskollegen haben und nette Chefs, die euch nicht ausbeuten.”

“Ich muss sagen, ich mag meinen Job zwar nicht, aber so krass ausgebeutet fühle ich mich jetzt auch nicht.”

“Das ist nicht der Punkt.”

“Sind bei euch die Steuern dann auch richtig hoch?”

“Es geht. Ihr bekommt aber auch viel dafür.”

“Okay. Es kann ja sein, dass Menschen und Brathühnchen das anders verstehen, wisst ihr denn überhaupt genau, was Kapitalismus ist?”

“Ja.”

“Kannst du es mir erklären?”

“Nö.”

“Okay.” Ich schaue Hans an. “Was meinst du?”

“Also ich finde es hört sich ganz gut an.”

“Okay.”

Hans und ich konnten natürlich nicht einfach für immer wegziehen, schließlich hat er eine Familie und ich habe auch gewisse Menschen, die ich einigermaßen mag. Aber wir wohnen jetzt seit sechs Monaten bei den Brathühnchen, und bis jetzt läuft alles absolut super. Wir besuchen immer noch manchmal die Menschenwelt, und jedes Mal erinnern wir uns daran, wieso wir weggezogen sind. Wir leben jetzt zusammen in einer Wohnung. Hans studiert aus irgendeinem Grund Literatur. Ich arbeite bei einer netten kleinen Firma in der Verwaltung. Das Leben ist schön.

[levil0vesyou]

Oh hey, I realised I can just ask for advice!

(Note: This is (mostly) not ebegging (nothing wrong with ebegging, just wanna be clear) even if it may sound that way in the first section. Please keep reading. It's pretty long tho, sorry. I'll put it under a cut as I am planning to pin it but please, please read it, especially if we're mutuals. Reblogs are welcome, especially within the german blogosphere, but don't feel obligated.)

So as some of you know, my flatmate has locked me out of the kitchen because I didn't have money for groceries and thus kept eating his food. This includes the electric kettle, microwave and most cutlery but I did accidentally keep a spoon that I still have now. (I have a small bottle of dish soap so yes, I can reuse it as I do still have bathroom access.)

I have since received my first unemployment payment which, due to my previous (necessary) overconsumption is mostly gone again now. I have 20€ and change (cash so paypal and my other debtors can't seize it) left for the rest of the month (new unemployment payment should arrive on the 1st) but I'm struggling to make it stretch.

I've been trying to search up advice on this but couldn't find anything useful. If you have links or anything, that'd be awesome. Here's the key points:

I live in Germany so subject to the German costs of living. Because I also can't afford public transport fare, my store choice is pretty much limited to a small-ish Rewe nearby. There's also a Mäc Geiz and a pharmacy but ofc those aren't grocery stores.

I do not have food allergies but I am a vegetarian and unless I'm literally dying, this situation will not change that.

As mentioned I have no access to a kettle, a microwave, a stove, a fridge or any of that. I do have access to my popcorn machine (many years of trusty service, real mvp) but that's it. I have access to a spoon and a sharp knife. Not a chef's knife tho. I do not have access to spices.

My mental health is still very bad, I cannot leave the house some days and I don't think I'd be able to do anything elaborate. Thus, whatever I eat has to be easily (or not at all) prepared but not easily perishable.

At this point, my standards are very low. My current main thing is eating unheated canned food but I'm prepared to eat basically anything I can stomach (excluding meat, as mentioned) in any way that is possible for me. I'm eating unseasoned chickpeas out of a jar right now. They're actually pretty good. I also (under normal circumstances) sometimes eat dry pasta for funsies so that might give you an idea.

I eat a lot. Less at the moment but still above average. I need plenty of carbs or I will still be hungry after. Essentially, pretend I'm feeding two people here.

I keep craving salt. I'm usually decent at telling what foods my body needs by cravings so I've been eating many crisps since I no longer have a spice cabinet. But they're 'spensive. I've also been craving eggs but I have no way to indulge since afaik boiled eggs are only sold around Easter. Also fruit juice but I can eat some vitamin gummies I still have instead, that'll probably be fine.

As stated, the budget is 20€ for 1½ weeks. I do have a bit of food already, some Zwieback, a pack of Leibniz cookies, a small jar of applesauce, a (hopefully not too spicy) can of chili sin carne, stuff like that. Also some hardtack I made months ago and just now remembered, but not a lot of it and I have no way to soak it, tho I might be able to clean an empty can.

While I'm not hoping to inflict permanent damage on my body, I am willing to take a few more risks than I usually would. That said, I can barely handle one or two short grocery trips a week so foraging isn't a good option at the moment. Also, laundry situation is difficult rn so avoiding diarrhea would be awesome 👍

While I am unemployed and legally homeless (I just haven't left yet) I have no documentation for this at the moment. I mention this because some food banks and similar require such documentation. Also, again, I have a very low travel range rn (like... 200m. 500 on a good day) but if you know like some kind of... delivery food bank?? that exists in Bavaria (dm me for the city) that would be incredible.

No, I can't get a job. I literally just tried that (again) and have reached a personal new low as a result. There were some in-between steps (like that fucking clinic) but yea, that's not an option. No, not even home office. No, not even freelance.

This one might seem entitled but. I cannot keep eating the same thing. I do have my samefoods (tho I cannot cook pasta rn for obvious reasons) but especially lately, eating the same thing for more than two or three days in a row has been low key driving me insane. Might be because I've been mostly cut off from society for months, might be because my body is sick of it, who knows. But I need variety. Same thing twice a week is fine, but more than that is pushing it. I'm very sorry.

As stated, this is not an ebegging post and I want nobody to feel any kind of obligation but if we're mutuals and you have a German bank account (or Schengen and are willing to pay the fee) and you desperately want to, you may dm me about it. But you do not have to!!! And I literally only say this because I know what it feels like to be on the other end of this. No, paypal is not an option, I'm triple digits in the red there. Water droplet on a hot stone etc.

What I am looking for is advice, especially from people who have dealt with severe financial issues and/or homelessness/kitchenlessness before. I've been kitchenless before but I had a fridge, microwave and somewhat reasonable money then so it didn't really prepare me. You can either comment or reblog directly or you can dm me or send me an ask. Anon is enabled.

Either way, thank you so much for taking the time to read all this! I love you, may you have a good day <3