#sorry ive been too depressed to write

[keylimeyunho]

hard to ignore: part 3: spoiler

*spoiler* full chapter out now! read here

you point the scissors in san's face, "my only request, choi san, is to let me know how it holds up. and don't wear it to rehearsal. i don't want to run the risk of you ruining it before the show."

"damn, okay." he holds his hands up like you just pointed a loaded gun and not fabric scissors. "but put those things down. im not gonna hurt you, baby."

you roll your eyes and slam the scissors on the tables. "see? this is what i'm talking about. stop calling me...names. or anything other than y/n."

he rolls his eyes with a shit-eating grin, "i'm just trying to be nice for once."

your gaze is locked into that shit grin you want to wipe off his face. it's a shame he was such an ass because he looked really fucking good at this moment.

your grip tightened on the scissors, "after last night, i have trouble believing you even know what that word means."

san crosses his arms, his neckline opening and showing more of his chest. you keep eye contact with him.

"last night? you mean when i came close to touching your-"

"hello?"

tags: @mulletjoonsupremacy @sakura777chan @lemonhongjoong @moonsangie @kitten4sannie @sanasstrawberry @baguette-atiny @ka-ni-ma @wooyoungsbestie @choisansnotsolegalwife @s10an @atinytinaa @nonclassyparty @kwanisms @timeofwave @sangiluvem @sanstreasure0305 @starcrossedsan @kha0sblossom @diorwoo

[conanssummerchild]

writing a fic abt rick having an ed bcs why would i recover when i can just project all my issues onto fictional old men in cartoons and pretend everythings better now ‼️

tw eating disorder, minor self harm and vomit near the end

Morty stopped in the open doorway of the garage, watching Rick who was sat scribbling down some kind of invention idea, or equation, or whatever it was he did when Morty wasn't around, for all Morty knew he might well be writing fanfiction.

An involuntary smile pulled at his lips at the idea of his almost 70 year old genius grandfather spending his free time writing silly little stories at his work bench. What would he even write? Ball Fondlers fanfic? Maybe he wrote about his stoic bird friend, Rick had always been touchy with him and Rick wasn't touchy with anyone.

When Morty focused back on Rick he wasn't writing anymore, the slightly crumpled piece of paper shoved to the side as he fiddled with what looked like a small metal box with a bunch of brightly coloured wires poking out of the sides. A small spark shot out of one of the wires Rick was holding and he cursed loudly, shaking his hand.

"Fuck, Morty, are you just gonna– gonna stand there, or are you gonna pass me the fucking, uh– the thing."

Rick waved his hand in the general direction of the shelf nearest to Morty, but there were so many assorted trinkets on the shelves, Morty had no idea if Rick wanted a wrench, or a hammer, or one of his laser guns, maybe the box was like a new battery for them?

"W-what thing, Rick?"

"The thing, Morty! The fucking– the uh, destornillador."

"What? Rick, I don't know what that means. W-w-what is that?"

"Jeez, Morty, what are they teaching you at that crap school you love so much?" Rick scowled, tossing the box to the side and getting up to grab the screwdriver himself.

"I havent been to school in like a month, Rick!" Morty exclaimed. "And even then I only got to stay for like an hour before you were dragging me out again!"

"Whatever." Rick said with a burp, "School's dumb, Morty. I'll teach you Spanish myself. B-but, uh, not now."

He turned back to his box, done with the conversation, but Morty stayed hovering in the room, remembering what he had come for in the first place.

"Okay, um, w-w-well lunch is ready."

"I'm busy."

Morty sighed, having expected that answer already. "When's the last time you ate, Rick? Or slept? Or... showered?" Morty said, wrinkling his nose a little.

Rick ignored him, pulling at a blue wire.

"Rick!" Morty frowned.

"What, Morty? J-jesus christ, what the fuck do you want?"

"I want you to have lunch with the family."

"And I said no, so screw off."

"Rick, come on, it would make mom so happy."

Rick glared at him, not bothering with an answer.

"...Wouldn't y-you do it for your original Beth if you could?" Morty tried.

Rick slammed the box on the table, causing the thin metallic shell to crack, sparks flying from it, the sudden noise making Morty jump.

"The fuck did you just say?" Rick snarled.

"S-s-sorry!" Morty squeaked. "I didn't m-mean– mean it in a bad way!"

"Get the fuck out." Rick said icily, eyes blazing.

Morty stumbled out of the room, shutting the door behind him to the sound of something crashing. Probably Rick throwing the damaged box across the room.

Morty winced. In his defense he was worried about Rick, and sometimes, depending on his mood, something like that would've gotten Rick to cave, clearly he wasn't feeling so sentimental today, more annoyed and angry.

"What was that about?"

Morty startled a little and turned to see Summer looking at her phone behind him.

"Just, y'know, Rick being... Rick."

"Mhm, pro tip, don't bring up his dead daughter to try and blackmail him into something he hates." Summer drawled. "You can only do that if he's already half convinced, or if he's feeling especially depressed sometimes.

"Summer! That's– that's messed up!"

She quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah, so only you can manipulate grandpa Rick?" Summer scoffed. "God forbid women do anything." She said sarcastically and turned to walk away.

"Wait!" Morty fidgeted with his hands. "Can you... help me? To get him to have lunch w-with us? Please?"

"Yes, but not now. He's already upset so if we double down on trying to get him to eat he's only gonna clam up."

Morty nodded. "I know that– but how do you? You don't spend as much time with Rick as I do."

"Because he's like mom. Who do you think got her to stop drinking before parent-teacher conferences at school?"

"Wow. That's pretty fucked up that you had to do that, though, y'know, Summer."

"Yeah, well, we're the Smiths, Morty. Is anyone in this house not disordered?"

Morty winced at the blunt statement, Rick really was rubbing off on her. But it was kind of true.

"Guess it runs in the family." He muttered

"Guess it does."

---

Morty hadn't been planning on seeing Rick again until the next day. He knew that when Rick got upset he needed his space. Morty didn't quite get it because when he was upset all he wanted was for someone to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but Rick wasn't like him he supposed.

If he was being honest it made him nervous to leave Rick alone in those bad headspaces he got into. Rick was volatile and unpredictable and a borderline danger to himself and often others. He'd walked in on a couple... compromising situations where Rick had had to explain away why he was passed out in his chair or why there was blood on his hands and his lab coat despite being the only person in the room.

Morty pretended to believe him when he said he had been doing a messy dissection experiment or that "This isn't blood, this is Balorkian dust I mixed with red Squanchenite fluid from Planet Squanch, Morty." But truthfully those moments haunted him.

However, he didn't want to invade Rick's space, so he let him be and tried to eat and sleep until Rick emerged like nothing had happened, even though Morty knew what habits of his went on behind those closed doors.

Of course Morty's patience had it's limits, like when two hours after he had left Rick in the garage, angry, there was the sound of something smashing, closely followed by an unmistakable sound that Morty had grown too familiar with since Rick had moved in. The sound of a body thudding to the ground.

He was up from the sofa in a flash, at the garage door before Summer could even put down her phone, flinging it open.

He felt like he couldn't breathe, but the only sight that greeted him was a smashed bottle and rick lying on the floor next to it, not looking any more dead than usual, looking up at Morty blearily, cracking a smile.

"Oh, hi Morty. H-hey buddy." He slurred, clearly drunk out of his mind.

"Jesus fucking christ, Rick." Morty said weakly.

"What happened?" Summer breathed, now standing at his side.

"He's just drunk." Morty muttered, wrinkling his nose at the overpowering smell that he hadn't registered before between his state of panic and shallow breathing.

Summer ventured into the garage, picking up an empty bottle and sniffing it. "God, grandpa Rick, what the hell are you drinking in here, fucking rubbing alcohol?"

"Sum-Sum! 'M just having some– some fun drinks. Fun drinks just a lil' bit. Besides I only ever drank rub-rubbin' alcohol once, n' it was– tasted like shit."

"What? I was being sarcastic, why would you drink that?"

"Because I was sad... was sad 'nd lonely after B-b-blood Ridge, couldn't find anythin' else. But 'm not s-sad now."

"What's Blood Ridge?" Summer frowned, "Actually it doesn't matter right now, you need to sober up."

"Get him some water," Morty interjected. "I'll clean up the glass. I also know where he keeps all his hangover serums and stuff, but he told me not to let you into any of his drug stashes."

"Fair enough." Summer shrugged, leaving to get Rick some much needed water.

While she was gone, Morty felt along the wall until he found the small hidden panel under Rick's desk. He fished out the light blue vial of fluid for hangovers, the red one he'd forced Rick to make that would sober him up and a green one that basically equivalated to getting your stomach pumped if you took it, just in case he'd taken more than just alcohol.

He shut the panel securely and placed the three coloured vials on Rick's work bench, grabbing a purple tube-like gadget from a shelf. He pressed a button on the back of it and typed in "Broken Glass" on a small hologram keyboard that emerged, then pressed that first button again. A blue ray shot out, scanning the garage, and the pieces of smashed bottle disappeared in a matter of seconds.

Morty looked over at Rick, who was still lying on the floor, but now he was tracing his fingers along a crack in the cold ground, his expression so solemn he almost looked sober.

"Rick?" Morty asked hesitantly.

"I miss her." He said flatly. "I miss her s-so much."

His words were still a little slurred but his tone had lost all the previous levity.

"I tried to save her, Morty, I t-t-tried, but I couldn't bring her back. And no one could ever replace her." A rough sob escaped his throat. Morty felt frozen. "I'm a crappy fuckin'– piece of shit father but I didn't want to be. I was gonna fuckin' give– give up everything for them, and I would've been happy. I would've been so happy as long as I had them, but he fuckin' took that from me! I nnever even got a chance."

Rick was crying, he was crying so hard that his tears stained the concrete dark grey and snot ran down his face sideways. He was shaking like a leaf and gasping for air.

Morty crouched down next to him, fists clenching and unclenching, unsure if he should hug Rick, or if that would make it worse. What else could he do?

"Oh– oh shit, Rick, I–"

"My little girl, my baby." Rick continued between sobs. "She meant everything to me. S-so yeah, I would be better f-for her if I could, but she's gone. There's no point."

Rick's sudden fit of violent sobs was calming down, replaced by a look that Morty could only describe as pure hoplessness and defeat washing over his features.

"'S no point in anything."

Shit, this was bad. Rick didn't admit defeat, and he certainly didn't talk so openly about his feelings like this.

"Aw jeez, Rick, come on don't– don't– don't say that. we killed Rick Prime, remember?" Morty said, wringing his hands anxiously.

"Yeah, I remember." Rick said, tone now devoid of emotion. "I remember killin' him with my bare hands, watchin' the life drain out of his eyes as his blood dripped down my fists. And I remember nothing changing. W-w-what d'ya do when you achieve your life long goal and nothin's better? It didn't bring them back, it didn't– didn't give me closure or give me a reason to live. I still can't sleep, petrified he's in the fucking house, comin' for my new family, that he'll kill all of you to teach me that t-that's what happens when I-I care about people."

Rick wiped his face with his lab coat sleeve, rubbing away the snot, drool and dried tears while Morty just kneeled next to him, frozen and unsure what to say.

"Rick..." he started but then Summer stepped through the doorway and Rick's demeanour instantly changed.

"Summerfest!" he called out and Morty watched, a little shocked, as Rick's whole face changed in the blink of an eye, going back to the cheerful, goofy expression he'd been wearing when he and Summer first came in. It didn't look artificial to Morty at all, even now that he knew it was. How could Rick just switch it on and off just like that?

"I brought water and coffee." Was all Summer said, placing two mugs on the workbench. "And a cereal bar."

The second statement sounded a little more unsure and Morty could've sworn he saw Rick's jaw clench for a second.

"Gimmie coffee." Rick said, making grabby hands, still lying on the floor.

"Water first." Summer replied, handing him the larger of the two mugs.

Rick pouted a little but as soon as the mug was in his hands he drank thirstily, finishing the whole thing in one go.

"You want more?" Summer asked, taking the mug, but he just shook his head quietly.

"Okay," Morty cleared his throat when his voice came out a little shaky. "drink this."

He handed Rick the red 'get sober' vial and Rick chugged it obediently, making a face. "Tastes like– like shit." He offered.

While he seemed a little calmer after the water and serum, his eyes were still unfocused and his voice sounded thick, like his tongue didn't fit in his mouth properly, hints of his accent were slipping through too.

"Did you- are you on drugs r-right now?" Morty asked, reaching for the green vial of serum.

"Maybe." Rick mumbled. His eyelids were starting to droop a little and he curled up more comfortably on the floor.

"Hey, Rick, don't go to sleep okay? What did you take?" Summer asked, crouching down next to him, shaking him a little. He groaned. "Come on, we just have to make sure you're not overdosing and then you can sleep. Maybe not on the floor."

"'M not overdosing." Rick grumbled.

"What did you take?"

"I dunno. Just some random alien drugs I found i-in my pocket." He said dismissively with a burp. "Actually one of 'em was probably adderall. Look at me bein' all responsible an-and takin' my meds n' shit."

He of course immediately showed his 'responsibilty' by gagging and then throwing up on the floor.

Morty winced, reaching for the purple device again while Summer tried to coax him into drinking the green liquid, frowning deeply.

Finally Rick gave in, sipping from the small vial, and almost instantly his eyes began to clear up a little bit.

"Why'd I make these work so well?" He groaned. Then, "My head is killing me, I want coffee."

Summer passed him the second mug and he gestured toward the hangover serum, which Morty promptly passed to him and Rick poured it in his coffee.

He gulped down half the coffee and sighed, wiping his mouth with his already rather dirty sleeve. "Fuck, that's better."

He downed the rest of it and placed the mug on the ground, getting to his feet shakily. He swayed and nearly fell, leaning onto the wall to steady himself as the dizzy spell passed, and then stretched, his back cracking loudly.

He took a few wobbly steps towards the door but Summer blocked the way.

"Fuck– fuck off Summer I gotta– I'm gonna go take a nap."

"Could you maybe eat something first?" She asked firmly, holding up the cereal bar.

"No."

Rick tried to sidestep her but she blocked the way again.

"Summer, don't fucking piss me off right now, I'm serious."

She stood her ground. "Just eat the cereal bar, grandpa Rick. Please."

"Summer, for fuck's sake, I said no!"

"Grandpa," She sighed, the arm holding the bar dropping defeatedly back down to her side. "Do you have an eating disorder?"

The garage was deathly quiet for a second.

"Wha-What?! I'm not a teenage girl in a f-f-f– goddamn netflix drama, Summer." Rick snarled. "What the fuck kinda question is that?"

He gestured wildly, taking another step forwards, which quickly seemed to be the wrong option as a sudden wave of dizziness hit him hard, making him almost loose his balance. He blindly tried to grab onto the back of his chair somewhere behind him, but missed and fell on his ass.

"Rick!" Morty and Summer both rushed to his side, Morty's eyes beginning to well up a little from all the stress of the day.

"I'm fine, don't– don't fucking touch me." He said, shaking Summer's hand off his shoulder, which caused another wave of nausea to hit.

"Please eat this." Summer said nervously, voice shaking as she pushed the cereal bar into his left hand, his right one gripping at his hair.

"Summer, I promise you if I eat that shit right now I'm gonna throw the fuck up."

"Please?" Morty pouted, eyes big and teary.

All it took was one look at him, and with only a brief moment of hesitation Rick snatched the cereal bar from Summer, muttering angrily under his breath.

Morty only caught "Me cago en la puta." and "Maldito cabrón." which he more or less understood, more familiar with swear words than any other words in the Spanish language.

Rick peeled away the wrapper slowly with unsteady hands and took a small bite.

Morty and Summer watched in silence, not wanting to discourage him by saying the wrong thing—which with Rick could be anything—as Rick uncomfortably ate the cereal bar.

"There you fucking go." He said weakly, Throwing the now empty wrapper at Summer, but missing as it was too light to travel more than a couple centimetres, landing somewhere by his feet.

"Thank you." Summer almost whispered.

They sat in silence for a while, Morty sniffling and rubbing at his eyes and Summer shuffling a bit closer to him for both of their comfort.

Rick was sitting with his knees losely bent and his head braced in his hands, trying to overcome another hit of nausea.

He wouldn't exactly say he tried super hard to keep the cereal bar down, but it wasn't deliberate when he vomited it down the front of his shirt.

"Oh! Aw jeez..." Morty winced.

"I did warn you."

"In our defense, you had every reason to be lying to us."

"Fuck you, Summer." It sounded weak even to his own ears.

She sighed softly.

"Morty, get his shirt off. Do you have pijamas or do you sleep in jeans and a lab coat?"

"Jeans an-and a lab coat."

"...I was joking, but okay." Summer said, flipping the switch that opened Rick's garage closet and grabbing one of his sets of identical outfits.

Rick squirmed, making noises of complaint as Morty tried to take off his current shirt.

"Rick– stay still, you have vomit on your clothes."

"I'm not fucking two years old, Morty." He scowled. "I can change by myself."

Rick tried to sit up but wobbled and then slumped back against the wall, needing more time to recover. Morty reached for his shirt again and this time Rick let him pull it carefully up over his head without resisting. Morty took the new set of clothes from where Summer had left them on the floor next to him.

Summer wasn't looking but Morty still shielded Rick's body from sight with his own, pointedly not mentioning the raised scars and jagged, angry, red cuts littering his arms which he had already suspected would be there.

Rick shifted uncomfortably, seeming relieved when Morty didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay." Morty said, helping Rick pull on his clean lab coat too.

"I'm going to bed." Rick grumbled, not waiting for him to continue, just getting up slowly.

He felt weak and shaky and his brittle old bones weren't exactly helping out. Despite his thousands of cybernetic implants he was still human, much to his dismay, and he couldn't treat his body as badly as he did when he was 30. Not that that ever seemed to stop him, managing to still maintain the same shitty habits he'd had for years at the ripe age of 67.

He stumbled through the dining room, Morty and Summer trailing after him, not discouraged by the glare he sent their way.

As soon as he reached his room, he slumped onto his bed with a groan.

"R-rick?"

"Fuck off, Morty." He snapped into his pillow, a little muffled by it.

Morty hesitated, exchanging a glance with Summer, who shrugged.

"...Ookay, Rick. Uh, see– see you at dinner, today? maybe?'

"Don't count on it."

Summer frowned, Starting to say something, but Rick interrupted, "I'm gonna apply my room's Lock Protocols in ten seconds, so i-if you're still in here, I'm not letting you out until I'm done sleeping. A-a-and if you're standing in the doorway, you're gonna get fucking squashed in the doors."

"Whatever, Rick, fuck you too." Summer huffed, pulling Morty out of the doorway with her.

"Room, activate Sensory Protocol 2. And t-tell Summer to go fuck herself."

"Sensory Protocol 2 activated." Came the mechanical voice and a heavy metal door snapped shut. "Go fuck yourself, Summer."

Summer scoffed. "Dick." Followed by a sigh. "What are we gonna do?"

"I-I don't know." Morty admitted. "There's not much we can do if Rick won't accept help. And he won't."

"So what? We just give up on him?" Summer asked accusingly, putting her hands on her hips.

"No, Summer, J-jeez. I just– We're gonna have to get creative."

"Fuck."

---

thats it thats the end i didnt know how tf to end this but my goal wasnt to rewrite like the bible idfk it was just to put rick through shit and put completely unfair expectations on summer and mortys shoulders so that they could ALL suffer in this fic !! :3 also this is so mf long i sincerely apologise if u read all that

[mitunatuna]

I don't think ive updated my lovely audience of about 60 people about what I'VE been UP TO!! well today

Right after I got home from school I was like

Oh joy! Homestuck time! And then it came to me

MAKE KANAYAS CHAINSAW AND STAY UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON IT OR ELSE.

Soooo

I'm gonna be falling asleep during class tomorrow.., 😓☹️ totally worth it.

Next update on the chainsaw.. When I finish lmfao

OH AND DID I MENTION IT WORKS TOO?? TOTALLY SICK!

I'd be down for some more crafty suggestions!! (Lol mainly Homestuck or colorquest related since I'm an insufferable NERD.) Soo uhhhh

Suggest like uhm I dunno? Horns? Other props? Or maybe some accessories that some of the characters have? Or Kandi (I'm working on a nepeta cuff lol)

I've been wanting to make Kandi horns!! I might try to do that after I finish the chainsaw!

[sorikkung]

wgoin enjoyers wya. [rattles you around like a jar of marbles]

[waywardsalt]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life! So it’s spooky season so I have an ask related to that. I don’t know if you play horror video games, watch horror movies/shows, or read horror books, but if you do, I have to ask: What is the most disturbing book, or video game or show/movie that you’ve played/watched/read? In my opinion, there is two types of horror: the ones that scare you, and the ones that traumatize you. If you can think of any book, movie, or game that really kind of fucked you up, I’m curious to know if you feel like answering. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Hey, I’m doing good and I hope you are too!

the answer ended up being really long lol

Woof, this is honestly a pretty hard question, since I can't really name any horror (or otherwise) media that actually left me kind of fucked up for a bit, at least not to the degree where it affected me for a while. I probably haven't been really fucked up by anything since I was a kid, so I'll try and recall what a few things fucked me up back then...

Off the top of my head I know that two different spongebob episodes got me bad, the first being one with that tunnel of love thing (tho tbh i havent seen it in a while so it might still spook me today) and the one where i'm pretty sure for whatever reason squidward gets locked in some small locker and has some kind of fucked up dream, whatever that was. I remember there was an eagle in that one. the eagle terrified me. (i looked them up, and the first episode is titled 'tunnel of glove' and the second is 'squidward in clarinetland'. with how badly that second one got to me, i'm surprised i ended up learning to play the clarinet at all)

other than that, i think the courage the cowardly dog episode 'the house of discontent' got me pretty bad, too, but i think everyone who saw any amount of that series as a kid has at least one episode that got them fucked up.

there's probably a handful of scooby-doo stuff that got to me when i was a kid, but i could not name any specifics (asides from charlie the robot's original episode, christ) because i think i managed to see just about every bit of available scooby media around that time.

nowadays stuff still does kinda fuck me up, but it's usually only for brief bits of time. the most recent example I can think of is cowboy bebop's 20's episode, pierrot le fou, which is honestly some great horror, especially how it uses the show's typical format and flips it on it's head, but i wouldn't necessarily say it got to me because of it being scary, more because of the way the ending disturbed me for a bit. it was the only episode that had me stop afterwards and really look into it for anything other than clarifying a character's gender, lol.

the endings of both neon genesis evangelion and end of evangelion had me shaken, the latter more so than the former, but not really due to horror aspects, though. i did have to take a walk after finishing end of evangelion. i don't really watch horror movies, i just... read the wikipedia plot descriptions of them.

honestly, i think some of the more popular youtube analogue horror series have gotten to me worse (likely due to the fact that they can get a bit more fucked up than, say, a tv show or movie), specifically the walten files (which i did watch) and the mandela catalogue (which i just watched wendigoon's vids on), and those two and mostly because facial distortion is generally just an incredibly effective form of horror imo. a lot of the time (esp with the childhood examples) the way i was 'fucked up' was that id be in be visualizing the stuff that scared me, and both the mandela catalogue and the walten files had me doing that for a bit.

now that i remember it, i was really scared of fnaf when it first came out. i first learned of it second-hand from seeing some other kids looking into it, and the bits and pieces i put together about it really scared me.

honestly, it's usually straight-up disturbing sequences or imagery that gets to me the most, and i know my limits well enough to generally identify and avoid that stuff, which is probably why i don't have too many recent examples. i've got one or two examples of non-horror movies that fucked me up as a kid, but that's mostly because they were wildly inappropriate for someone of my age (at the time) to be witnessing, so that's a different sort of topic.

i mean, i think i generally have a decent tolerance for fucked up stuff in media, anyways, i mean, i enjoy berserk and haven't really been too upset or disturbed by what happens in it (look theres some nasty shit in there im not saying its not that bad) so there's definitionally some kind of line that media needs to cross to really get to me nowadays, or it just needs to be a specific kind of fucked up. books generally don't do that for me so i don't have any book examples. no games, either, though shadow mario and the haunted house segments in super mario 3d world scared me so much that i had to make my mom do the levels for me, and i'm pretty sure scooby doo: first frights scared me a bit when i first played it on ds.

other than that, though, I just think that, in pokemon x, the story that an npc tells you during your first trip to route 14 and then the strange office building encounter with the animation-less hex maniac creeped me out pretty bad.

yeah, it's kind of hard for me to think of anything (recent) that actually really fucked me up or anything. most stuff just scared me, never really fucked me up or figuratively traumatized me in recent years.

[phagodyke]

.

[mochamadeleines]

Sins, Two Through Four <3

Javi doesnt do good girls. Literally and figuratively.

Theyre nice, sure. Honeyed voices and beautiful eyes. But theyre just not for him. He prefers to stick with what he knows best. Messy, broken, women who are looking to distract themselves with him and his body. Sharp eyes topped with heavy eyeliner and eyeshadow. Women who know what to do with him.

Hes been soiled by the world, therefore belongs with others whove met the same fate. But, hes okay with that. (3.3k words)

tags!! 18+ javier peña x reader ! one shot! inoccent reader i guess?, no set era just vaguely somewhere in the late 80s early 90s :p, since its like entirely from his perspective hes only referred to as Javi and not javier sorry if that bothers u </3, corruption, religious allegories, steve and connie r there for five seconds, dubious I suppose cuz they be drinking, smut but its not like Good and its also there for about five second lolol.., p in v sex, blow jobs, rough sex, lots of depressing internal dialogue for javi Uhhhhhh, Sus thoughts abt causing harm to u I GUESS?? Toxic javi of course lol. kinda bad boy x good girl concept here but he wants to make u WORSE. mannn idk, some dom/sub dynamics if u squinttt

authors notes!! hi! Ok my first Javi fic LOOOOL been binging narcos and i had to take a break from my joel fic in the works to write this shit. I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY PUMPING THIS OUT AHHHHH Beinf as that ive been working on it For One whole day it may not b my best work but i still had fun!! i kinda like the religious allegories Uhh IM NOT RELIGIOUS OR SCHOLARYLY OR ANYTHING so take whatever i reference with a grain of artsy salt.. enjoy!!!!

Javi doesnt do good girls. Literally and figuratively.

Theyre nice, sure. Honeyed voices and beautiful eyes. But theyre just not for him. He prefers to stick with what he knows best. Messy, broken, women who are looking to distract themselves with him and his body. Sharp eyes topped with heavy eyeliner and eyeshadow. Women who know what to do with him.

Hes been soiled by the world, therefore belongs with others whove met the same fate. But, hes okay with that. 

That brings him to now, at this crowded bar with Steve, later Connie. And you, he guesses. Hes never met you but hes heard of you. Tonight youre tagging along so thats that.

Anyways, Steve is updating him on his daughter and something else about enrolling her in private school but New York City is wildly expensive. Javis caught the eye of a pretty brunette further away from the bar hes sitting at. Shes in a black miniskirt begging to get taken off.

“Stop eye-fuckin’ her, Im talkin’ to you.”

“Relax, Im listening.” Javi takes another drag from his cigarette, tapping away the ash into a tray.”Youre a hard worker, Im sure you can find a way to move up and earn a little more for Olivias private schooling.”

Steve sighs, nursing his beer as he thinks. “Maybe. Just dont wanna be away from her more than i have to be.”

“Mm.”

The brunette beckons him over, and Javi is already sliding off the stool to meet her. “Ill be r-”

“Steve!” 

Connie is here, and so is her-

Friend? 

Youre wearing a baby blue slip with sheer white tights and a thin, white cardigan. Youre pretty. Its only when you introduce yourself and he meets your eyes that hes sure. Youre good. And he doesnt do good. Youre not his type, Javi decides. Lame.

He moves down a seat so you can sit next to Connie whos also next to Steve, and you seem nervous. He gets the feeling you dont come out to places like this a lot. Its too.. Grungy. People smoke inside and get crazy drunk and dance. Probably not your speed. Youre easy to read.

Steve, “Remind me again how you know each other?”

“From work! Shes a nurse.” Connie smiles at Steve first, and then to you. A nurse, of course. Because youre good and its practically oozing off of you. Maybe hes wrong. He hopes hes wrong. Only because youre so pretty, with pretty pink blush and lipgloss. 

You now, “I work in pediatrics.”

You work with children? Jesus christ.

You help people- help your community and take care of children. Javi had to watch children die, over and over, all too complicit each time it happens. No, youre not his type. Hes not into angels. Javi is far from holy and isnt about to desecrate you.

Then there's this feeling that starts to stir in his gut. An ugly feeling that wants to scratch through flesh and bone to get out.  He takes the final drag of his cigarette before smushing it into the ashtray. Why do you bother him so much? Maybe its because upon your arrival that pretty brunette he was eyeing disappeared. A real shame.

But youre here, and your breasts are softly spilling over the neckline of your dress, and while the length is enough to cover your ass when youre standing, the way it looks while youre sitting is a whole different story. Youre good eye candy. Glass half full thinking.

He clears his throat. “How long-” 

The bartender interrupts with a pearly smile. Hes asking if you want anything and hes obviously into you. Annoyingly so.

While youre ordering, Steve and Connie walk away to dance, and Connie stops by Javi, dipping her head to his ear. “Please, please dont fuck my friend.”

Ironic.

“Dont worry,” He leans his elbow on the counter, finishing the rest of his whiskey. “Shes not my type. Go have fun.”

You order three shots of vodka and apple juice. Its a little cute the way you hold your nose while you down each shot and chase it with some juice. Javis on his next glass of whiskey, watching how some of your drink rolls down your collar bone and into the valley of your breasts.

The sight of you is downright sinful. Its not fair.

“You need another shot or are you good now?”

Youre laughing, batting your hand dismissively. “No, No. Im good. I hate alcohol so I wanted to get this part over with and loosen up a little.”

“You dont have to drink it if you dont want to.”

“I like being drunk, just not drinking.”

“Fair enough.”

You fold your hands in your lap, and spin your seat side to side. “You were asking me something earlier?”

“How long have you been a nurse?”

“Three years now. I was working at a different hospital until recently. Thats how I met Connie.”

“Ah.”

“And you? What do you do?”

Javi lets the silence linger a bit. Fuck it. “Uh, CIA- but im retired now.”

“Oh- Yes! Right! Connie- She told me. Im sorry, you probably dont wanna talk about it.”

This is what makes his gums start itching. Most women- who are just as tragic as him- just bat their lashes and tell him its sexy he works for the government.

But you- Youre good. So you actually care about how hes feeling, and arent just trying to fuck him. Maybe that could change?- Ugh- No- no. Just no. Youll be ruined. Youd get dirty and thatd weigh him down like everything else does. Plus, Connie told him not to.

“Um. Have you done anything fun recently? Aside from all that?” Cute how you try to change the subject to spare his feelings.

Javi breaks open a new pack of cigarettes, slipping one out and putting it between his lips, then flicks his lighter on. Once, twice. A fifth time. No dice. The fucking thing ran out fluid. 

“Fuck,” He grumbles.

“Ah! Hold on!”

An eyebrow is raised.

You dig through your purse, and pull out a disposable lighter. You thumb the sparkwheel a couple times to get the flame going.

“Do you mind?”

Javi hums no and leans forward. You do too, cupping your hand over the flame in case it goes out. It lights, and he gets a good drag in.

“Thank you.”

“Youre welcome.” And youre smiling again and Javi wants to shake you around and see where youre hiding your halo. Hes good at getting information out of people. He could get you to confess.

“Any reason you carry around a lighter?”

“Uhh. For medicinal purposes.”

“Cheeky.”

You spin in your chair once, all the way around then wobble when you stop. Javi shoots his arm out to grab yours and keep you steady. 

“Careful.” 

“Thanks.” A short breath. “Still think I need another shot?”

Javi smirks. “Oh, definitely.”

And youre ordering two shots. Bold.

“To answer your question, I havent done any fun things, no- Oh actually, you know what? I went to the art museum the other day.”

“The MET?”

“Mhm.” 

“I went there a few months ago! Its beautiful isnt it? Do you have a favorite exhibit?”

“Probably European sculptures. The ones under the skylights were my favorite.”

“Yeah, those are beautiful.” You look off, dreamy. 

Youre a childrens nurse, youre bad at drinking, you like art, and Javier feels sick just sitting next to you. Theres so much ugly out there, hes sure youre aware, and yet youre as bright as ever infront of him. Youd probably fit right in with The Triumph of the Church. 

 Theres only one word that can describe that ugly feeling swirling in him. 

Envy. He wishes he could be as untouchable as you feel right now.

Theres a push and pull. He wants to taste your lips and roll up your dress and roughen you up, but he cant- he shouldnt. You dont deserve to get felt up by someone so unclean.

And yet,

Your beautiful smile, one that always reaches your eyes, and your precious laugh, and the way youve been nervously playing with your hands this entire time makes him want to break you. To rip those wings out and keep you from flying. 

Javi really is devilish.

“Okay, shot time!” You push one of the glasses towards him. 

“Im not taking a shot,” He takes another puff from the cigarette, then lets it rest on the ashtray.

“C’mon, Javier! Pleeeeeaaaase?” 

“Javi.” He emphasizes.

“Okay.” You nod, “Javi, please?”

“Fine.”

Alright, alright. It didnt take much, but to be fair ‘please’ and ‘Javi’ just sound so good together when you say it. 

Clink! 

You count to three, and together you take the shot. Javi only grimaces at the taste and youre scrambling for the juice after letting go of your nose. Youre so damn messy about it too. Javi gets the bartender to get some napkins.

“I think I'm done,” You cough.

“I think youre done too.” He smiles, “Do you normally spill your drinks on yourself?” 

You patiently hold still while Javi wipes down your mouth, then your chin, then your collarbone, careful to not get too close to your chest. He eyes the dainty necklace that carries your first name initial. 

“Noooo, it all just happens so fast, you know? Oh! And thank you for cleaning me up.” Youre smacking your lips together, “Ah shit, my gloss.” 

“Yeah, looks like you ate it all in the chaos.” He glances over at the four shot glasses, all stained.

You groan after digging through your purse. “Fuck, I left my compact at home.”

“Being a girl seems hard.”

“It is.” You sigh, albeit dramatic. “Ill be back.”

You slide off the stool and almost eat shit actually. At least Javi is there to catch you. Again. This might be a recurring theme tonight considering how many drinks you had. Must be a lightweight.

“Im sorry- Fuck, Im so sorry,” Youre laughing again, and it gets a laugh out of him too. Back on the stool you go.

“If you fall again Im not gonna catch you.”

“Thats okay, I wouldnt catch me either.” 

Javi thinks for a moment, curious. 

“I could, yknow, put the gloss on you. If you want.”

“Really? Youd do that?”

Your eyes are big and bright, lashes accentuated by your mascara. The way you look at him makes him feel oddly special. Its not sultry, or wanting. You have this natural allure to you. Angelic. That alone makes him want to touch you again. To yank you down from the clouds.

“Yeah, gimmie the gloss.”

You put it in his palm and lean towards him. Javi messes with the applicator, listening to the squish of product inside the tube. Seems easy enough.

Javi situates himself more comfortably in the chair, then holds your chin as he applies it. Youre well behaved the entire time, like he expected, except for the fact that you lost your balance again and gripped onto his thigh to keep you from falling. He clears his throat. There are blaring alarms in his head telling him to put distance between you both.

“Sorry.”

“Its alright. I dont mind.”

You swallow nervously. Any angel would be nervous if they were this close to an agent of hell. Get it? Agent?

Javi tucks away the fly aways first. The applicator swipes across your bottom lip, and hes squinting at the little sparkles in the gloss. Its a nice touch. His thumb rubs away any excess to keep it neat.

“Good job for not falling again.” 

“I had some help.” And youre both grinning now.

“Mkay, all done.” 

You smack your lips, nodding. “Thank you.”

This is the moment where Javi should let you go. He should excuse himself and find someone who isnt you, someone whos filthy just like him, and have them instead.

You tilt your head in his palm, letting him cradle your face.

But youre so pretty, and youre so sweet, and youre right there. 

That feeling from earlier is bubbling up again, the need to ruin you. You might look prettier covered in bite marks and sweat, with your hair messed up and your recently applied gloss all gone. Again. 

He shouldnt.

But then again, what are sinners even good for if not this? Converting others and carrying on the missions of the Devil himself, you know, the works. Fuck, its not like he wasnt doing it anyways. Shout out to the government.

Javi observes you, trying to make a decision. “Hey,” 

“Hiii.” 

“Can I take you home?” 

Its was easy, and you were so well behaved about it too. You did a little nervous yapping on the way to his apartment but it was cute. He learned you had a pet cat, and he tells you about the dog he grew up with. You talk about the shitty weather recently and Javi tells you he got rained on and slipped going up the stairs. It settles your nerves. Good. His phone keeps ringing in the glove compartment, but he just tells you to ignore it. Steve no doubt.

He makes sure to hold your hand on the way up to his apartment, giving it a squeeze before he lets go to open the door.

Javi’s heart never usually pounds this hard bringing any woman to his place, and its downright sinnister how excited he is. 

When the door closes, you both leave your shoes at the door. 

“Want anything? I dont have any apple juice but I can give you orange juice? Water if you want that instead?” 

“Orange juice sounds good.”

You begin to linger about his living room. Youre probably getting a feel for how impersonal it all is. Plain. His room is a bit more interesting, at least. 

Javi hands you the glass and shucks off his leather jacket, draping it over one of the kitchen chairs.

The first time he kisses you, is while walking through to the entrance of his bedroom. One hand gripping your hip and the other cradling the back of your head. He swallows ever whimper, every sigh, every squeak until the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress. Javi pulls away, watching the string of spit snap and cling to your bottom lip.

“Are you good at following directions?”

“Yes-Yes. I am.” You choke out.

Now sat on the bed, “Great. On your knees then.” 

Tonight, youre going to pray. Youre going to sing.

You hesitate to get down, but do it with no complaints. Javi stretches over to the bedside table, grabbing a spare pack of cigarettes and lighter. 

Your eyes are on him, patiently waiting for another command. 

He continues to smoke at a leisurely pace, petting your head and caressing the apples of your cheeks. Youre leaning into his hand affectionately again.

Youre hit with some of the excess smoke he breathes out, coughing a bit. 

“Javi-”

“No more talking. Understand?”

A beat passes, and you nod again, only shuffling forward to rest your head on the inside of his thigh. Javi taps away the ash.

“Good girl.”

You stay down there for a little while, only squirming and wiggling to relieve the soreness settling into your knees. You dont talk, you dont whine, you dont go grabbing at him. You stay put because he didnt tell you to do anything else. Youre good. Angels are loyal to a fault.

When you do get a command, youre perking up like a dog. Cute. Javis telling you to take his cock out.

You go for it, and he tuts at you. “Do it slow.”

And so, youre doing it slowly now, pulling out the leather from under the buckle, opening it up and then popping open the button to his jeans. Your lips press into a thin line, looking up at him for reassurance.

“Go on.”

His zipper is pulled down at a snails pace, and your eyes widen at the lack of underwear. No surprise there. Javi sighs when you take him your hand. 

He lets you feel him up curiously, your thumb wisping over his flushed tip, smearing along the white beads gathering there. 

“Put it in your mouth.”

You stiffen, unsure. Javis reminded that youre good and you probably dont do this kind of thing a lot. 

“Its not hard, nena. Promise. Want me to teach you?”

Youre nodding now, more eagerly.

“Start by kissing it.”

Tentatively, you kiss starting from the bottom up- That much you know how to do- So its a good start. He sighs out the last bit of smoke and stretches over to the bedside again to put out the cigarette. 

After kissing, youre licking, and after licking, youre finally trying to swallow him. He groans, holding the back of your head and coaxing you to take more.

You gag, backing out to catch your breath then taking him in again.

“Jus’ like that- Fuck-”

And somehow the slight inexperience gives you the upperhand. You want to be good for him, and your  clumsy hands are doing as much as they can to make up for your lack of deep-throating capabilities.

Its when you suck harshly on the head that he hunches forward with a gasp. “Yeah-Yes.”

You do it again, and again, and hes so fucking close now but he stops you. Not yet.

“You did good.” Javi reassures you. “Get up.”

You wobble up onto your feet and hes pulling you into a kiss, hands exploring you all over with urgency. He needs it now, to do what he wanted to do at the bar when he first started talking to you. He needs to drag you down with him.

Javi pulls your cardigan off, and then your dress, and as more layers of your clothing come off the more he cant wait. Youre moaning under his tongue, only squirming when he nips at the flesh of your torso, leaving a trail of blossoming bruises in his wake. He tells you to lay down and you follow accordingly. 

Javi kisses up your stomach, and the junction between your neck and shoulder. You almost speak, almost. And it has his dick harder than he thought it could get. Youre still obeying. Fucking incredible.

He pulls your hips forward, making you whimper. A finger traces through your folds, and he practically gushes with pride just feeling what hes done to you so far. He hasnt even gotten to the best part.

“Talk to me,”

Youre babbling now, “K-Keep touching me- Dont stop. Please, Javi.” There it is again. ‘Please’ and ‘Javi’. He cant say no to someone whos been so reverent thus far.

He rewards you by tracing soft circles around your clit, watching the way your abdomen flexes at the pressure. The combination of nervousness and arousal has your thighs quaking around his forearm. You give in so easy. 

Javi tells you to lay on your stomach, Then, hes pressing kisses up your spine to soothe you. To sedate you. 

You practically crumble when his cock reaches all the way inside you. This is it. Hes going to rip those obnoxious fucking wings out of your back.

“Javi,” You wheeze, clawing at the sheets. His hand sits on the nape of your neck to keep you pinned down. Javi grunts, doubling forward over your back. Its almost like hes punishing your guts just because youre you. 

He grabs your wrists instead, pulling them behind your back and anchoring himself with one hand. The other curls into your hair, yanking your head up from the pillow you covered in drool. 

You sob, trembling when Javi buries himself to the hilt. Hes panting over your neck like a dog, licking and nipping there like one too.

“Thank you,” You sniffle, twisting your neck to get a glimpse of him. Your mascaras running down your face. Humble, even in the face of your own sacrilege. 

Javi shushes you with a sloppy kiss. Hell only accept your thanks when hes finally run you dry.

Tonight is the night you fell from grace. All because of him.

[beddybites]

About our tiny king, Babynai, does he have teeth while baby? Or does he start teething? Idk I'm sitting in bed it's almost 3am and I keep thinking abt Babynai amd stuff and this thought is stuck in my mind😭

Imagine Giyuu or Sanemi putting up with his crying at any time when he's teething, poor baby (and parents)😭 OR HIM WITH LIKE A CHEWING TOY OR WHATEVER TO HELP HIM TEETH! He's so cute I'm sobbing🥹

Also, I don't know if you still like the 21yo trio as babies, it's okay if not I'm just wondering if you will continue them (like draw them or anything) in the future? Me personally loved the ideo of those three being babies together, they are so chaotic and adorable🥹 But I love ALL of your art, not just the baby ones😭 Your art is so.. comforting and just good to look at. I can't even describe it with words but it just looks so pleasing and neat and gives a warm calming feeling to me. You have such a good artstyle, they all look so adorable and fluffy!💖 I love to just scroll on your page and just look at your drawing over and over. When I'm done with school the first thing I check when I get my phone is if you posted something (I've told this in another like, anonymous ask or i don't know what it's called on tumblr) but your art always gives me peace after a rough and depressing day in school (I'm sorry if I'm being too much, I really am😓) I just felt like I can't sleep without telling you again how much I admire your work and time you put into giving us so many arts, doodles animations and headcanons, I appreciate you so much, you made my whole 2024 better. I will forever be your fan and can't wait to show your art to my future kids after I made them watch kny!🔥

Have a nice day/night🫶🏻🫶🏻 (sorry again for writing this much, I hope it's not a bother)

hi anon!!! first of all this is so freaking swwet oh my god?????? ive been feeling rlly awful and pesstimisric about my work as a whole so opening tumblr and seeing this cheered me up a ton and im rlly so so so grateful for u taking the time to send me this msg let alone enjoy my art to begin with 🥹🥹 i hope ur doing absolutely amazingly!!

in response to tiny 21 trio: yes! i do plan on drawing them again eventually, im just taking a bit of a hiatus from that au for the time being!

in response to babynai: poor guy! definitely experiences teething all over again and the poor thing is in a lot of pain bcuz of it );

i also think he struggles because he still has his mouth scar in this au, so he generally has some mouth pain, which means he gets lots of love and support. mitsuri ABSOLUTELY spoils the heck out of him every time she gets to take care of him. sanemi and giyuu get him lots of teething toys. shinobu gives him check ups and such, ubayashiki family find him the best medicine and resources. gyomei lets the babynai teeth at his finger or shirt so it can calm him down. etc etc etc

all the hashira are very supportive and take care of him a lot!

at the same time obi ends up getting lots of reassurance from kaburamaru. those two have “fangs” together for a bit and it makes obi happy to be like his best buddy

[ilys00ga]

hellooo, ur blog is such a comfort for me <3 ! can i request yoongi meeting reader who’s quite literally the same person as him. he could’ve met the reader through one of the members trying to hook them up. “you two are so alike it’s scary, i think you’d be a match made in heaven”. so yoongi agrees..eventually. but when he meets the reader, it’s horrible! their similar personalities clash in the worst way possible. it’s pretty funny to everyone, because they totally thought they were in matchmaker mode?? the two constantly talk about how they couldn’t stand each other, so it surprised everyone when yoongi just admitted that he’d and the reader had been dating for a few months after their first meeting. loll

A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.

pairing: yoongi x reader.

genre: fluff, i tried to make it funny loool, best friends to lovers, non idol au (?), non idol!yoongi, non idol!jimin, non idol!namjoon, jimin is the dramatic bestie and namjoon is just the very supportive friend that's happy to be there.

warnings: this is pure fiction and English is not my first language.

A/N: okay so, there was also this one ask I got from @parkjennykim that says: "Hiiii ❤️ hope this finds you well. Could you write a fluffy bsf to lovers with yoongi? Theres hardly any of those out there 😭 i need some fluff ive been too deprived and depressed".

I thought these two were similar so I decided to merge them, I hope that's ok for both of u :). thank u sm for sending these reqs, I really appreciate it and I hope u enjoy this read. do not hesitate to send more if u want to !

ᵎᵎ 𖦹彡⋆｡˚・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

“I'm sorry, WHAT?!” Jimin, who’d been slouched on the couch with his head leaning against its rolled arm, sat up straight and goggle-eyed as soon as he heard what Yoongi had said.

The latter only rolled his eyes, not surprised one bit at his friend’s dramatic reaction. In fact, he expected it to be so much worse, but he guessed the younger one was just too tired that day for all of that. “don’t be loud.” he hissed and crossed his arms.

“hyung, are you serious?” Namjoon asked from where he was sitting with his chopsticks hanging in the air near his mouth as he too was stunned by the eldest’s statement.

“why the hell would i lie and say that me and __ have been dating for almost two months now?” Yoongi muttered through narrowed his eyes. "TWO MONTHS- woah, this is crazy. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” The youngest of the three covered his face with his hands and heaved a big, disappointed sigh.

“Seriously, why is he so annoying today?”

Namjoon chuckled as the older continued side eyeing their dongsaeng, “hyung, he’s just really happy for you. I too am.”

“I’m very happy, yes, but, hyung, how could you hide such a thing from me? I literally helped you grow the balls to ask her out.” Jimin whined and slouched back down on the couch with a growing pout, “I've been waiting for you two to get together for months.”

It's true, Jimin was a man on a mission ever since he’d noticed the insanely similar character traits when you and your (now) boyfriend met for the very first time. two individual human beings but the exact same patterns and edges. on a large scale, talking to you always felt like talking to Yoongi and vice versa.

It was like a game to him. It made him buzz with excitement, reminding himself every now and then to keep a close eye and count all the similarities you two shared. not that it was hard to notice to begin with: having almso the exact same taste (especially in music), always sitting silently when being around other people and speaking little amounts of words when necessary, getting flustered and smiling shyly when being complimented, being chill and too soft to scold or yell at anyone (most of the time), having that same slow tone in your voices whenever you talk, having random bursts of energy or playful teasing despite the cold facade both of you display, getting so talkative when it comes to topics and things you’re so passionate about, being very honest but never too rude or offensive about it, being the most hardworking people jimin has probably ever met in his entire life—something that nevers fails to admire about the two of you.

You and Yoongi were so similar, even your bad habits and red flags matched. When setting your mind on finishing a task—say a project for example—you’d wear your bodies out for the sake of completing it, even if it meant you’d stay up several hours late during the night. and when mad or during intense clashes and arguments, you would put thick walls between you and the other person, ignoring and shutting them out until you're human enough to confront them. sometimes it’s too hard to even apologize, instead, you’d slowly start approaching them as if nothing had happened at all.

“No wonder you two ended up together, you’re basically a match made in heaven.” Namjoon nodded his head as he munched on his food, as if approving of his own statement.

“i know! and the way you wasted your time pinning on each other was killing me.” being the biggest shipper of your pair, Jimin huffed as he spoke with a very serious tone.

“how did you guys even make it?” namjoon asked.

“We hit it off right after the first date.” Yoongi answered with a shrug, acting as nonchalant as ever.

“you mean the date i had set for you?” it was jimin who asked this time, and when Yoongi nodded in confirmation, the younger groaned and buried his face into the couch, “hyung, you are seriously the worst.”

“hyung, you both are coffee addicts, take her to a new café this time!” Jimin suggested with a huge grin on his face. after finding out that you two secretly liked each other, he spent weeks pressuring Yoongi to confess his feelings for you. He couldn’t believe that his hyung finally obliged after many “no”s and “I don’t like __ that way.”s and “we’re just friends.”s. it was getting really annoying.

YG: “Can we hang out tomorrow? as two people wanting to know each other.”

ME: “Are you asking me on a date?”

YG: “yeah?”

ME: “okay :)”

that was the conversation you had with him the day before he took you on a cute café date. The place was impressively good, but the date was the complete opposite of that. Nothing bad happened, yet sitting down with someone you’ve known for a good period of time and have shared good amounts of vulnerability with in that intimate context was too unpleasant. Both of you struggled to find comfort and normality in the heavy awkward silence that fell on the table. and everytime he would try to play it off and throw some joke or normal piece of conversation that he found appropriate for a date, you two ended up laughing int your sweaty palms because of how ridiculous the whole situation was.

“stop laughing!” Yoongi exclaimed while his shoulders shook, giggling.

“I'm sorry, I'm trying!” you wiped at the corners of your eyes.

"Just act like this is a normal hangout.." he had said after a short moment.

"We're literally on a date." you reminded him.

“right..”

The “date” didn’t last long, and the two of you ended up at his house. eating popcorn on his couch and watching your favorite series of movies together.

Later that night, he asked, “so, what are we?”

“whatever you want us to be.” you answered with flushed cheeks.

“I like you..” he whispered, eyes never leaving the TV screen acroos the couch, "more than friends should like one another."

“Great, ‘cause I'd be sad if you didn’t like me back.” you whispered back, never daring to glance his way even for a split of a second.

“Wait, does that mean I won the bet?” Namjoon suddenly spoke, making Jimin kick him lightly on the shoulder from where he was still lying with a sour frown, and toss a few dollars he had grabbed from his wallet at the smiling man's extended palm.

“Did you two seriously make a bet on my relationship?” came a sharp question from Yoongi.

[heartsforvin]

vinnies crying alone in his room yn walks in and hes all secretive but opena up at the end and cries in her arms,

feeling kinda sad rn and want to comfort someone <33

HERE FOR YOU

he looks so cute here 🥹 i hope you enjoy ! thank you for the request !! <3

pairing; vinnie hacker x fem!reader

warnings; mentions of depression, cussing, use of pet names (baby, princess , etc), lmk if i missed anything !!

summary; you walk in on vinnie crying and he tries to hide it, but you won’t let that slide

recently you’ve noticed vinnie has been distant, distant from you, his friends, and even his passions.

you thought he’s been doing better with his depression, although you knew that it never fully goes away.

you’ve given him space, more than enough space at that. you knew he needed his time to deal with whatever it was he’s dealing with, but at the end of the day the two of you are a team.

you don’t keep things from him, and he doesn’t keep things from you. if either of you have an issue with anything, it’s always talked about and resolved.

waking into your shared room with vinnie, you greet him with a kiss on his cheek before you head to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

“i’m gonna be out most of the day, got a lot of stuff to do. will you be okay here?” you shout from the bathroom.

vinnie nods but remembers you can’t see him. “yeah, i’ll be fine.” he replies, you can tell his tone isn’t his usual happy tone he has.

you finish up in the bathroom and walk back into the bedroom, sitting down on the bed beside vinnie.

wrapping your arms around him, you rest your head on his shoulder as you grab his hand in yours. “call me if you need anything, and i mean it, vin. you have hera too to keep you company.” you tell him.

with one last final kiss goodbye, you tell vinnie you’ll see him in a bit and then head out of the apartment.

✧∘* ೃ ⋆｡˚.

hours later you arrive back at your apartment ready for a nap. after closing the door, taking off your shoes and setting your other things down, you make your way to the bedroom.

you don’t hear anything coming from the other side of the door so you think it’s okay to go in, opening the door, you see vinnie cuddled up with hera.

walking closer to him, you realize he’s crying. vinnie shoots his head up as he hears a noise, both of your eyes meet and he instantly pulls his attention away from you.

“vinnie,” you whisper as you make your way to the bed. “baby, look at me.” you tell him softly, not wanting to upset him.

the boy mumbles and scoots away from you, frustrating you a bit. you give him a minute to calm down, you hear him sniffle and watch as he wipes his eyes.

finally, he turns his body to look at you. when he does, he can’t help but break down and cry in your arms.

you wrap your arms around him and rub his back in a calming manner. “shh, i’m here vin, it’s okay.” you reassure him.

you stay where you are as you let your boyfriend let all his emotions out. you plant soft kisses on his temple as you continue to rub his back.

after a few minutes, vinnie finally calms down and tells you what’s been going on and why he’s been so quiet and distant for as long as he has.

once you let him explain you hug him as tight as you can and tell him you’re always going to be here for him and that he can tell you anything.

“i’m here for you, you know that?” you ask, and vinnie nods with a smile.

“i know, thank you.” he replies, pulling you into another hug.

hera joins the two of you and vinnie grabs her and squeezes her in a hug as well, kissing her head.

he looks between you and the cat with a wide smile spread across his face. “i love you both so much.”

you smile and grab his hand and kiss his knuckles. “we love you just as much, vin.”

hiii i’m sorry this took so long to get out, ive been unmotivated to write recently <\3 i liked how this turned out tho and i hope you do too <33

taglist; @lyndys , @cosmicanakin , @slvthrs , @bernelflo , @kriissy4gov , @laylasbunbunny , @lovingsturniolo , @kayleiggh , @Camiiherring , @leqonsluv3r , @hallecarey1

[jazzyblusnowflake]

So ive been on hiatus for awhile, and i have been working on some stuff to hopefully get back to. writing some stories & fics here and there too, but i prolly will get back soon.

still not feeling quite there yet & some days i still want to kms tbh but i still try ig...

i just hope its worth surviving for...

ill try to work on some past requests or memes when i do get back to art [or md ocs lol] or answering tumblr asks or open simple sketch comms, etc etc- but for now, currently stuck on a Jessa fic that started as a snippet and now its near 8k and not even done yet... dont judge me...

workload is a bit mean, depression working that roller coaster & feelings of isolation setting in again, overall im trying my best to not let burnout consume me again. not sure if anyone here even cares at this point tho lmao- but... hopefully soon.

Additionally... i apologize for constantly coming here and whining wah wah about my life, saying ill come back but then not. im sorry, my mental state and the surrounding factors of my life are unstable and alot of times i fail to go through with even my own projects but im trying my hardest. however i will try to no longer give promises because im tired of letting people down..

[candiid-caniine]

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

[ugly-pickle]

you will always come first ☆ ayato

CHARACTERS: ayato x gn!reader

SYNOPSIS: you start to think that he values his duties more than you… but you are proven wrong

GENRE: fluff 💿

W/C: 0.5k

C/W: kissing, physical touch, cussing, and if you squint your eyes you can see some neglect (if theres anything ive missed please let me know!)

A/N: i finished my scara angst at 4:30am… it is currently 7am and i have JUST voted on my own poll……… i have not slept yet. not proofread!

it’s been a while since youve went on a date, or at least do something romantic with ayato. i mean, you both have many duties, with your husband being the head of the kamisato clan, and you being his wife.

today, you both have your day off, but ayato still decides to do paperwork on his rest day, and his only break days comes in once a blue moon. youve been hinting at him, youve been sighing a little too loud and pointing out the lovely couples that come to the estate just to drop off MORE paperwork.

even after your attempts to try to let him know, he still doesnt get it! and now hes talking to an official so you cant even talk to him… youre sick and tired of how dense the head of the kamisato clan can be! it breaks your heart not being able to have some one on one time with your beloved.

you head to your shared bedroom, while walking there you see ayaka and thoma, “oh hello y/n,” says ayaka, “hello ayaka, hello thoma” you say, your tone being obviously depressed. “are you okay y/n?” thoma asks you with a worried face. “well… it’s been a while since ive been on a date with ayato and…” you look up to see ayaka giggling, “w-whats so funny?” youre a bit offended, youve just told the two about your troubles and now ayaka is giggling? “oh youll see,” thoma tells you before he walks away with ayaka.

what the fuck just happened. whats going on? maybe hes finally gonna take you out? “y/n?” you you jumped a bit at the sudden surprise, but you quickly regain your composure, “oh hi babe!” he puts a hand on your shoulder, “are you okay y/n? youve been acting strange all day, have i done something wrong?”

you feel guilty for making your beloved feel sad, “well, uhm… look ayato, it’s been ages since we been on a date together and i kinda feel like you forgot about…” you advert your eyes from his, he puts his fingers under your chin and lifts your head. "of course i didnt forget our anniversary, thats what i was planning all day, im sorry for not planning it earlier."

what.

oh shit, that was today? youve been so focused on going on a date with ayato that the thought of your anniversary was completely forgotten. ayato sees the slight panic in your eyes, "i dont need a gift, just being with you is the greatest present ive ever received." you feel a your shoulders relax but can still feel a tinge of guilt.

ayato presses a kiss on your temple and says "no matter if it's my day off or if im drowned in work, you will always come first my love."

A/N: all of my brain juices were out by the time i started writing this. very very cringe but i didnt know what to write ૮ ⸝⸝o̴̶̷᷄ ·̭ o̴̶̷̥᷅⸝⸝ ྀིა

@justaxiaosimp @mommykukki @xdrin @midnight-pluto @boomie-123 @scaramochies @dnsuhwr874y @hopefulceladon @yukinenikora @akusiapaakudimana @mai-yay @uhfhfhfhf @petitte-writer

[rafecameronscockwarmer]

THE KNIFE I TURN WITHIN MYSELF IV (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

word count: 4.5k

WARNINGS: DUB-CON at times, STEPCEST (sorry lol), drug abuse/self harm, depression, smut eventually I(T IS HERE)!!!! 18+ ONLY PLEASE

Summary: Kildare’s Kook Princess is forced to return home to the Outer Banks for the first time in two years since abruptly leaving for college. Unable to hold yourself together any longer, you’re forced to come face to face with the home and family you left behind and the boy you so desperately tried to forget

writes note: ahahahaha I am SO SO SO sorry to leave u guys hanging i absolutely hate when people do it only for me to turn around and do it too 🤡🤡🤡 18 breakdowns, one psychward trip and 6 months later PART FOUR IS HERE

You had successfully spent the last few weeks avoiding Rafe, choosing to spend your time with Sarah and the pogues at the Chateau, effectively distracting you from the ongoing turmoil that raged within you. You couldn’t avoid him forever, especially not with Midsummer’s coming up. You had missed the last two, and your mom and Ward had made it perfectly clear that your attendance with the family this year was mandatory. Ward had finally returned home, your little family was together again.

Unbeknownst to you, Rafe was allowing you to avoid him. He knew all had to do was get you alone, and you’d give in to him eventually and as much as he hated the wait, he knew that once Midsummer’s arrived, you would be his again just like you were all those years ago. Rafe knew you well enough to know that his indifference toward you would relieve you at first, before inevitably sending you back to him, willing and desperate for his attention. It’s a sick game, he knew, one he had never hoped to play with you, but your determination to keep your distance was starting to piss him off, so he decided to play the long game. Rafe just wanted you back in his arms, cumming around his cock, where you belonged.

You had found it weird that Rafe hadn’t been pestering you after you left his bed the next morning, your stomach constantly filled with unease as you waited for the other shoe to drop. To others, it would seem as if he was avoiding you but you knew Rafe well enough to know that was not the case. Rafe was consistent and persistent at least when it came to you, so the silence from him had you constantly on edge, and the coke definitely didn’t help.

Sarah and Kie had brought you to the Mainland for dress shopping , an activity you once enjoyed, whereas now you wished to be anywhere else. They both dragged you from shop to shop, nothing ever catching your eye, as they exchanged glances between each other about you.

“So, any idea what color you want to wear?” Sarah asked, nibbling on the fries on her plate as you all ate lunch choosing to take a break from shopping.

“Mmmh not really no, it doesn’t really matter to me.” You responded as you pushed around your salad, opting to play with your food instead of eating it. You couldn’t find the energy to eat let alone engage with Sarah or Kie, not when your mind kept wandering back to a certain Midsummer’s, a few years ago. You smiled weakly, finally trying, “Whatever makes my boobs look good.”

Sarah giggled, happy to see you finally emerging. “Please, your boobs would look good in a turtleneck.”

You and Kie snickered with her, knowing it was true, you had well.. ahem… always been extra blessed in that department.

Eventually, the three of you had made your way back to downtown wandering the cobblestoned streets, gazing into the windows of the shops. A red dress caught your eye from across the street, sparking a light in you that hadn’t been seen for months. Up close it was a deep red, adorned in ruffles on the bodice and sleeves, and it was sheer with a middle split. Very sheer. Not stopping to even check if Sarah and Kie were behind you, entering the shop with determination as you scanned for a worker, eyes zeroing on her when you found one.

“I would like that dress, the red one? In the window, please?” You asked, pointing at the dress, smiling at the sales lady who in turn nodded back to you, making her way to the display.

You sighed happily and clasped your hands together turning to see Kie and Sarah were in fact behind you. Kie looked at Sarah amused as Sarah looked at you with a confused look.

“It’s a beautiful dress, but you know you can’t wear that right? Rose and dad would have a fit! It’s literally see through!” Sarah whispered to you, Kie laughed rolling her eyes with you.

“Sarah, who cares, if I have to go to an event I don’t want to attend in the first place, I’ll wear whatever the hell I want.” You told her, as the sales woman returned with your dress in hand and began ringing you up.

“Whatever, good luck getting that past Dad.” She sighed in defeat, walking away to wait for you outside.

“I think your boobs will look great!” Kie gave you a thumbs up, backing away to join Sarah.

Truth was you knew it would turn a few heads, everyone’s really, but there was only one head whose attention you wanted even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself. The dress was trouble and it was sure to cause a scene, you smiled as you thought to yourself . A scene in the form of a boy named Rafe Cameron.

Midsummer’s 5 years ago

All humiliation aside you were having the time of your life. You were upset at first, being stood up was something you hadn’t ever hoped to experience but every girl has her day. None of that seemed to matter after Rafe rushed to your side ensuring you wouldn’t step through the doors alone. You both were dancing with each other giggling drunk earning the disappointed stares of your parents as Rafe spun you in circles. You stumbled almost falling down if it weren't for Rafe, quickly catching you pulling you to his body. You closed your eyes, inhaling the scent of the sandalwood cologne you gifted him for his birthday. Smiling, you looped your arms around his neck, resting your head on his shoulder, trying to remain standing.

“I think someone had a little too much champagne,” Rafe teased, holding you in his arms, your body already starting to fall limp as you began to fall asleep on him, the drool on his tux, as evidence.

“Uhhh-uhhh,” you slurred, forcing your eyes wide open in an attempt to wake up. You looked up at Rafe drunkenly, as he beamed down back at you, amusement evident in his eyes. You giggled sleepily, “I know what could wake me up…?”

On any other night, Rafe would have immediately said no and had taken you home, but he was drunk and high himself, his own judgment lapsed.

“Only a little?”

“Only a little.” You confirmed, pulling him upstairs, ignoring the glares of passing patrons, as you both ran to an unused bathroom on the third floor, hand in hand.

You pulled him in, locking the door behind you as he shook his head at you in an amused disbelief, all while pulling the bag of cocaine from his tux pocket.

“Is this what you want?” Rafe mocked, holding it over your head out of reach, laughing when you began to pout.

You pulled at his tux jacket with both hands pulling him towards you. “Don’t tease me, it’s mean.”

The energy in the air shifted as you both looked at each other in a mix of amusement and adoration. You looked at Rafe, smiling softly at how handsome he looked in his tuxedo. The powder blue tux complimented his eyes in more ways than one, and he simply looked angelic. If Lucifer walked the Earth in disguise, you’d find him in the form of Rafe Cameron. An angel and demon rolled into one. Rafe was always beautiful, but tonight he was the most beautiful boy in all of Midsummer’s in your mind. All the girls wanted him, and he blew them all off to be with you. By your side right where he belongs , you drunkenly thought to yourself, sliding your hands up his shoulders.

Rafe gazed down at you, his chest beaming with pride and love. When he beat the shit out of Alex, threatening him to stand you up he never thought it would lead to this. Rafe had always known he loved you, and that it was anything but brotherly, you two were made for each other and he’d spend a lifetime waiting for you to see that. You just needed time, and Rafe wanted to give you that, but tonight was the night he was gonna make sure you knew how much he loved you.

With Rafe distracted in his thoughts, you had taken the opportunity to reach up to snake the coke bag out of his hands dangling it between your fingers.

“Is this what you want?” You mocked back, giggling at the feeling of his hands on your hips as he pulled you closer to him, adjusting you in between his legs as he leaned slightly back on the counter.

Rafe snatched the bag from your hand feeling bold, lifted you and placed you onto the counter. While moving your hair to the side he held your face in his hand, his lips brushing against your cheekbone and ear as he whispered, “Don’t move.”

You nuzzled your face into his, your lips softly grazing his as you nodded in obedience. You were starting to feel hot, hot from the alcohol, hot from the way Rafe touched you, hot from your own need for him. You didn’t know when the lines of your love for him blurred into something it shouldn’t have, but for the first time, you were aware of it.There wasn’t a single coherent thought capable of forming in your brain at the moment, you just wanted to do whatever he said.

Rafe kissed your collarbone softly, causing your flesh to erupt with goosebumps, pouring the coke onto where his lips had been only moments before. He snorted the coke before licking up the residue, your face heating up in embarrassment as a moan escaped from your throat.

“Your turn.” Rafe smirked, you were speechless as you stared at him as he undid his suit and tie, pulling it off. He grabbed the bag, placing it in your hand, and guided it to his collarbone. “Just do what I did baby, pour some right there.” He signaled to his shoulder, the ring on his finger glinting in the light.

You nodded dumbly, as you clenched your thighs as discreetly as possible, a puddle already forming in your panties, before shakily pouring the contents of the bag onto him. He nodded at you reassuringly as you bent down to snort it, instantly feeling a rush, your head even beginning to clear. Feeling bold, you licked up the residue as he had before pulling back, unsure of where to go from there. You clenched your legs again, which this time did not go unnoticed by Rafe. Your face was flushed with a mixture of need and embarrassment, captivating Rafe. Staring back at each other with heavy breathing and lust filled eyes, neither one of you, willing to make the next move.

Fed up and impatient with the lack of action, you grabbed him by his neck pulling him to you, pausing just centimeters from your lips meeting. Fuck it, you thought before smashing your lips onto his. You couldn’t think, you didn’t want to, all you wanted was to feel him on your skin. You both mauled at each other desperate to feel each other. Rafe wanted to pull back, he wanted to ask you if it was okay, if you were sure but he didn’t want to risk you changing your mind and saying no. The thought of you rejecting him only made him kiss you deeper, like he was trying to consume you.

“I’ve always loved you,” Rafe’s grip on your throat tightened, a slight smile appearing on your face as he placed kisses up and down your neck, “You’re mine, you’ll always be mine.”

“Yours, always.”

Midsummer’s had finally arrived, and your entire body was shaking with anticipation at what the night could bring.

“Stop moving! I’m gonna burn you.” Sarah groaned, annoyed with the way you kept fidgeting nervously in your chair, as she attempted to curl your hair.

“I’m sorry. Nerves, I guess.” You apologized to her reflection in the mirror.

“Nerves, right.” Sarah snorted, before placing the curling iron on to the desk. “I’d be nervous too, if I was about to debut half naked with my family at an event frequented by everyone I grew up with.”

“Actually…..”

Sarah stared back at you in the mirror, eyebrows raised in confusion as your sentence trailed off.

“Actually….. what?”

“Well, the only way I can get away with my dress is not arriving with everyone so…. I’ll be arriving a little later.”

“Okay and what am I supposed to tell your mom? And dad?”

“Wardrobe malfunction, I don’t know. Make something up, you were always the better liar!”

Sarah rolled her eyes, “You know Rose would drag you by your hair out of your room before she allowed you to show up late!”

“Whatever, just cover for me, please?” You looked back at her through the mirror, your doe eyes wide pleading with Sarah, knowing that she would give into your request.

Sarah nodded her head defeatedly as you gave her a wicked smile. Your gaze moved to the red dress hanging on your door, your stomach filling with anticipation for the night.

You weren’t entirely sure how Sarah managed to convince your family to leave without you, especially with Ward’s borderline intense need to display the family as a perfect one, but nonetheless she came through.

You pulled into the parking lot of the club, drugs already coursing through your veins as you made your way to the venue.

Normally, your nerves would be shot to hell, especially showing up half naked at an event like this, but all of that went out the door the moment you got high. Walking in alone with your head high, and a haughty look on your face, you quickly garnered attention from everyone in the venue.

You didn’t care about what any of them thought though, as you searched for your family through the sea of people. When you finally spotted them, your mothers jaw dropped in embarrassment as Ward’s face grew tight with anger. Sarah and Wheezie both stood there amused with your antics. You searched for the missing Cameron sibling, anticipating his reaction subconsciously the most.

Rafe’s blue eyes met yours, his jaw tense but his eyes blown with lust as he stood with Topper and Kelce off to the side, Mai Tai’s in hand. You raised an eyebrow at him cockily before making your way to the bar, knowing it would only be a matter of time before he would make his way to you. Like clockwork, you felt his body move behind yours as he leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“It’s taking everything in me to not drag you to the bathroom upstairs, and rip that poor excuse for a dress off your body.” Internally your stomach fluttered, your body littered with goosebumps as you turned to face him, his eyes lingering on your breasts a little too long.

“Bold of you to assume I’d let you.” You scoffed, flipping your hair, as you grabbed your drink, preparing to walk away.

Rafe grabbed at your wrist, pulling you closer to him, and laughed cockily, “You and I both know you would. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time.”

Your face flushed with embarrassment and longing as you remembered the night he was referencing, that night at Midsummer’s where you took each other's virginity, ultimately starting the rabbit hole you both had fallen down together so quickly.

You pulled your wrist out of his grasp, as you saw Ward start to head towards you both.

“Dad’s coming over here, fucking behave for once.” You whispered to him as you both straightened up, putting some distance between you both. Rafe rolled his eyes, downing the rest of his drink scowling at Ward, as he approached you both.

“What the hell are you wearing?” Ward seethed, gripping your wrist, in the same manner as Rafe had only moments ago as he pulled you away from the sea of partygoers. Rafe trailed behind you both, watching Ward unwilling to leave you alone with him.

“Umm.. a dress?”

“Y/N, don’t play dumb. What are you trying to pull here? Are you really that desperate for attention you’d parade around half the town practically naked, looking like a cheap whore? I’d expect this kind of behavior out of Rafe, but not you.”

You looked down out of embarrassment, feeling like a child being chastised, before raising your head high and opening your mouth to speak before Ward cut you off.

“But then again, you’ve been gone for two years. Don’t think I haven’t heard what they’ve been saying about you since you've been back. I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

You held back tears as Ward shook his head in disgust walking away, pushing past Rafe as his expression softened. He knew you were seconds away from crying but were doing your best to hold it in.

“Y/N-“

“Just don’t Rafe. He’s right anyways.” You mumbled as you pushed past him to go upstairs and hide. Tears poured down your face as you took the stairs two out a time, desperate to get away from everyone. Pushing open the first door you saw to hide in, not realizing it was the bathroom. Your heart swelled with grief at the realization only making the tears stream down your face harder as you fell to the floor, your sobs masking the sound of Rafe creeping in and locking the door behind him.

Rafe crouched down next to you, firmly placing his fingers under your chin forcing you to look at him. Sighing as he pulled you into his arms, the fight in you all but gone as you let him hold him.

“You’re not a whore, Y/N, ignore him. I, personally, think you look way hot.” Rafe lightly teased, wanting so desperately to see you smile again the way you used to.

Pulling away to look at him with watery eyes, “It’s not funny. He’s right, you know? I mean look at us, you think this is fucking normal?”

“When did you get so fucking ashamed of me- of us? It never bothered you when I was sneaking into your room every night.”

Your jaw dropped in disbelief as his mood changed almost instantly, lighting a fire in you that you spent two years suppressing and attempting to snuff out.

“Are you fucking serious? Do you honestly not remember or do you just not want to remember?”

You searched in his blue eyes for some kind of clue, maybe he genuinely didn’t remember, you thought to yourself, Rafe had been so coked out and drunk all the time that summer. The majority of the summer for him was a blacked out blur. But there it was. It was gone as quick as it came, but not before you saw the guilt flash in his eyes.

“I fucking knew it! You just don’t want to remember!”

You pulled yourself out of his arms and pushed him away from you as you started to hyperventilate, growing more hysterical by the moment. Rafe stood there unable to say anything, he knew this was his fault, that he had broken you and there was no one to blame but himself. His own eyes watering at the sight of seeing so much of his own untempered emotions and instability in you. He knew he fucked up, and he knew he’d gone to far that night. There was literally nothing more in the world he wanted to take back but he knew he couldn’t.

You never could call it rape, you loved him way too much even if you knew it wasn’t right. When he came into your room that night as per usual, you had told him no multiple times. You were tired and just wanted to sleep but Rafe was so coked out of his mind he wouldn’t listen. Instead he held you down, forcing himself into you, and ignoring your cries. What you hated the most was how your body reacted to him, already used to his touch, your mind screamed no but your body said otherwise. Rafe didn’t stop until you came around him three times that night before drunkenly passing out next to you. Your body was littered in bruises as you cried in your bathroom while he occupied your bed asleep. When Rafe awoke to your empty side of the bed, you were already on a ferry off the island.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ignored you when you said no. I’m sorry I hurt you in ways I never thought I could or fuck, even would. There’s nothing I can say to take that back a-and I know that, look, I did a lot of fucked up shit that summer and was really fucked up, but you’re the only one whose ever loved me, Y/N, and I’ve loved you for 10 years. I don’t want to remember because it wasn’t me but it was me even if I was high as fuck and I don’t know how to apologize for what I did. I fucked you up, it’s all my fault, you wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t for me. You wouldn’t be doing coke if it wasn’t for me, I pushed you over the edge and I am so fucking sorry.” Rafe’s own tears began to pour down his face as he manically rambled on, “You don’t have to forgive me, okay, I know I don’t deserve it. Just don’t think a day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of how much I fucked everything up.”

Now it was your turn to stand there unable to speak, but you couldn’t find the words in you. You’d spent two years torturing yourself with whether or not he’d ever take responsibility for it, and honestly you never thought he would. Or maybe you just hoped he didn’t remember, but you did and that was enough to keep you gone. You wanted to yell, to scream at him, to hit him over and over again but you just couldn’t find it in you to be angry anymore.

You both stared at each other unable to speak, until you decided to make the next move. Grabbing his hand to pull him closer to you, you contemplated your next words very carefully.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Do what? Us?” Rafe asked quietly, his eyes beginning to water at the thought of you walking away from him forever.

“I can’t keep pretending I don’t love you anymore. It’s eating me up Rafe. Even with everything you put me through and two years apart, I still love you, I never stopped even when I wanted to kill myself because of it, i couldn’t.. because I didn’t want to leave you alone. Even when I thought I hated you, I didn’t. I just hated how much I still loved you.”

“And now?”

“I still fucking love you.” You sighed pulling him closer to you until your bodies were only centimeters apart.

You pulled at his pants, kissing his neck before unbuttoning his tux and making your way down his chest, pausing to hear the sound of his heart beat with excitement. He groaned in pleasure when you moved your hand over his dick, palming him through his pants, eventually slipping your hand into the band of his boxers. You nuzzled his neck, leaving little bites on his neck before kissing each one all while slowly pumping his dick in your hand.

Rafe dreamed about touching you again for years, and as much as he wanted to savor it, there would be time for later. He pulled away leaving you confused, but not for long, as he yanked you off the sink and your dress off your body. You giggled as he placed you back on the counter like it was a gold throne, kneeling down, kissing you all the way up the inside of your leg before biting on the flesh of your thigh. He reached for your panties, his dick jumping at the image of the soaked lace as he peeled them off of your body.

Rafe kissed back up your body all the way to your neck, nibbling on your ear making you moan.

“Are you sure?” He whispered, rubbing his dick up and down your folds, you were soaked which caused him to groan at the sight.

“Yes-yes-yes please oh my god yes.” You cried, angling your hips, grinding up and down on him, desperate to feel him fill you up again.

Rafe smiled cockily to himself, pleased to hear you begging for him, sighing at how sweet you sounded. He dreamt to hear you beg for him again, to relish in your moans and cries but nothing could compare to the real thing. He was hooked. As much as he wanted to just shove his dick into you he knew he couldn’t, you needed to be taken care of first. He dropped down to his knees again as you looked down confused as to why he was on the floor.

“What are yo-” Rafe cut you off by licking a strip up your pussy, before diving in and eating you like a man starved.

“You still taste so good. I’ve dreamed about this for two years, baby, this is all mine.” He moaned into your pussy, the vibrations from his voice adding to the pleasure as you slumped backwards onto the mirror, lacing your fingers into his hair pushing him further into you.

“Yes yours,” You moaned, “Yours, always.”

Rafe pushed a finger into you before adding another causing you to wince at the pain of the stretch. Two years without sex had you on the edge faster than ever before. You could tell you were closer with each stroke from his fingers as he pushed in and out of you faster and faster, your legs clamping around his head holding him place. You moaned into the bathroom walls as you came, the butterflies in your stomach hardly satisfied.

You looked down at Rafe to see him staring at you with a smirk while your chest heaved, desperate to catch a breath. His fingers were still in you as he pulled himself up coming face to face with you. You could see your cum all over his face and your pussy clenched at the sight and again when he kissed you so you could taste yourself.

Nothing needed to be said as you both nuzzled into each other, kissing softly, completely oblivious to the rest of the world.

Rafe lined his dick up before pushing into you groaning at how tight and wet you were for him. You braced yourself for the pain that came with the stretch, courtesy of his large cock, as he eased into you slowly. It hurt at first but the pain eventually turned to pleasure, with each stroke Rafe gave you. His hands dug into your hips, no doubt leaving hand shaped bruises as he pounded into you like his life depended on it. It wasn’t long before the band in your stomach snapped, your eyes rolled back, and your body filled with bliss as you came again, this time around him.

Rafe swallowed your moans as his thrusts became erratic and choppy, signaling to you he was close. Pulling away from his kiss you placed your forehead on his looking down at where you two were connected again, mesmerized at the way he moved in and out of you.

“I-I love you!” You moaned cumming again , causing Rafe to cum almost immediately at your words, his mouth finding yours. He peppered your face and throat with kisses, your eyes closing at the feeling as Rafe’s hands cradled your throat and face. You open your eyes to stare at him, his blue eyes dark with possession mirroring your own. Rafe searched your eyes for uncertainty and hesitation, for anything that could tell him you were lying but he couldn’t. You were his again.

taglist: @marlene-the-witch @belcalis9503 @hysteriahall @fangirlwithlou @luvmatchamilktea @slutfordrewstark @whorefordrew

[kiritila]

Are you still gonna be updating no one saw me?

this is such a long time overdue, but since ive been away so long i figured this would be a good way to address everything, like whats been happening in my life and my future plans for no1sm for everyones clarity.

to put it shortly, i work full-time, and have done for nearly 2 years now. i am a product designer and i work monday-friday, 9-5. i attend a full day of college classes once a week, this day being even longer than a work day, and on top of that i have a personal work-based tutor that i have to complete work for as well. so in terms of professional obligations, im extremely busy. in my personal life, ive been seeing friends a lot, running errands, planning for weddings, parties, buying a car, SO MANY THINGS. my life has been so hectic.

ive also been suffering some health problems recently. my earliest or readers that are close friends probably know i began writing no1sm to vent my feelings about trauma i underwent, and this obviously still affects me quite greatly alongside depression and anxiety. ive also been suffering quite badly with insomnia and fatigue problems, as well as, embarrassingly, moderately bad eczema.

perhaps the most ridiculous development of all: I AM NOT CURRENTLY HYPERFIXATED ON SOUTH PARK. SHOCK HORROR. BUT PLEASE DONT PANIC: it is still my spin, stan and kyle are still my most favourite characters ever, and most of all i still ENJOY south park and enjoy thinking about, planning, and writing no1sm (when im not completely utterly knackered). ive actually recently gotten majorly into formula 1 as a result of my friends, so if there are any f1 fans following me PLEASE SAY HI!!!!! i plan to do art for it but i have been busy and im also very much a perfectionist. (FYI: my favourite driver is max verstappen. no questions asked. i also love charles daniel lando oscar and honestly most drivers on the grid. i love niki lauda james hunt seb vettel and jenson button. i had a brief mclaren tooned hyperfixation. I AM CURRENTLY INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED OVER DANIEL RICCIARDO LOSING HIS SEAT)

anyway.. getting back on track.

AM I STILL GOING TO BE UPDATING NO1SM?

YES. YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. i dont know when, but this story is something i have to complete for myself and for you guys. i realised i was putting myself under so much pressure for it to be perfect that it sapped the love i felt for it from me. now that i no longer have visible eyes on me waiting for updates on twitter, i feel much freer and relaxed with it. i dont know how or when, but yes, the story will be completed. do not ask me about the kyle prequel ive planned though DONT DO IT.

i also dont plan on posting about updates anywhere other than tumblr going forwards. ive since moved on from the twitter south park fandom where i was most active, as i felt like i was too old to be in a fandom of minors and the discourse was simply too much. so i decided to move to a fan space and sport that is a million times worse but still somehow has been better for me. so if you still want to follow me on twitter even though i dont south park post anymore, you can follow me at @vrstappns :)

WILL NO1SM HAVE AN UPDATE SCHEDULE?

NO. sorry, my mental health and my career comes first. i want to try and find a better balance that leaves me time to write but im afraid i need time to ease myself back in after so long off and theres no guarantee how long that will take me.

WILL YOU STILL BE MAKING ART FOR NO1SM?

YES. I HOPE. who knows when though cause i havent been able to draw in a long time and im still pissed off that i cant draw max verstappen as easily as i could ever draw kyle broflovski.

AM I ALLOWED TO USE YOUR STORY AND WRITE THE ENDING FOR MYSELF?

NO. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. as much as other authors may encourage this I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THIS. you dont know how much work i have put into this fic as well as how much of my own life and traumas are embedded between the lines of writing. this fic is practically half of me in the same way my parents’ DNA is a part of my make-up. not to sound rude but to even think you could possibly imagine how i intend for this fic to resolve and end when you dont even know me is laughable.

HOW WILL THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRIES OF FORMULA ONE INFLUENCE THE INTENSE HOMOSEXUAL RIVALRY OF STAN AND KYLE GOING FORWARDS?

im sure 2019 charles leclerc and max verstappen guided carefully by brocedes and james hunt and niki lauda will figure something out. maybe not brocedes actually i am unsure if i want stan marsh to end up like nico rosberg. but i guess he is a good youtuber too and has great hair which is two things stan is NOT. gay loser. also david coulthard and sebastian vettel are there somewhere. GAY RED BULL RACING WILL LEAD US TO WORLD PEACE

thank you so much for reading, i know youve all probably moved on with your life but its a weight off my chest to finally write this out. i love this fic and i love that you all love this fic, if you are still here. i can only apologise for how long ive made you all wait.

please just have patience with me,

thanks muchly,

mike (formerly marshplaylist) vrstappns

[redditreceipts]

Hey, so i am a teenage radfem (dont wanna specify age but over 14) or not rlly radfem but heavily rad-aligned, i guess, i dont like labelling myself . Sorry if i bother you with this, i know this ask is probs going to be long but . How to deal with my female peers bullying me without being misogynyistic abt them when i tell my mum or writing it down in my diary ? Because they often ask me really inappropriate questions (stuff like "are you a virgin" "do you touch yourself" "are you a lesbian), talk behind my back or just laugh at me . They often target me for my autism too, and because i don't perform femininity like them (they wear really revealing clothes and fake lashes and fake nails) . At first i tried to be nice to them but bcuz then they started asking me these type of questions and bullying me for other stuff, i became uncomfortable and told them to stop that, i told the teacher and suddenly im the bad guy . It really bothers me, i even got so stressed out i cried . I often catch myself saying misogynyistic stuff abt them when telling my mum like "theyre wh0r3s" or calling them other degrading names based on the fact that they already are really sexually promiscous at THIS YOUNG, because that is one of the other things they bully me for, that theyve had boyfriends and did the thing and i didn't (its because i am a lesbian but its nun of their business) . And i know it's wrong to say such stuff about other girls/women, and i know their behavior is probably a result of grooming/hypersexualization and internalized misogyny, but their bullying is so bad i feel like there is no excuse for that . They even tried to spread the rumour that the reason i am so quiet and shy (which is not true i am not even shy) is because i got m0l3st3d by my father . Its just offends me because ive done nothing wrong for them to behave like this, and that i need to "put them in their places" for the bullying to stop . And i wish i could stop writing all kinds of sexist stuff and calling them names when venting abt it in my diary and try to deal with it without being so rude and degrading about them because i realize its unfeminist but sometimes their treatment of me i so rude and disgusting i cant critically write about it only after just writing angry and depressed rants .

Hey :) So first of all, I'm sorry to hear this. I personally think that there is nothing wrong with you writing whatever you want into your diary. You are not responsible for female oppression by calling them names in a diary that no one else reads. But I mean it's still important that you think about how this kind of thinking can impact yourself as well, in the long run. How you are going to condition yourself into thinking that a certain type of female presentation or sexuality is inferior and that can backfire on yourself as well.

In your bio, you say that you are Hungarian, and I assume that you write your diary in Hungarian, so I searched for creative insults in Hungarian and this is what I found:

Segítene, ha egy óvszergyártó cég plakátja lennél. (You could be a poster child for a condom company.)

Puncinak foglak hívni. De hiányzik belőled a melegség és a mélység. (I would call you a pussy. But you lack warmth and depth)

Vigyél magaddal egy növényt, hogy pótold az elpazarolt oxigént. (You should carry a plant with you, so it can replace the oxygen you just wasted)

Ha szemetet ennél, az kannibalizmus lenne. (If you ate garbage, it would be cannibalism)

Fogadok, hogy a szüleid témát váltanak, amikor a barátaik rólad kérdeznek. (I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you)

Úgy nézel ki, mintha valaki épp most nyomta volna meg a “Random” gombot a testreszabási képernyőn. (You look like someone just hit the “Random” button on the customization screen.)

But I know what you are referring to, and I myself have been heavily ostracised for being autistic as a teen in school. And it's impossible to not notice that the biggest bullies sometimes have a specific presentation, like wearing expensive clothes, getting their nails done every week, wearing a lot of make-up etc. I got into some kind of "zoo visitor mode", in which I looked at the people in my class as if they were monkeys fighting on a hill and pushing each other down, trying to be the boss monkey of the horde. I felt like a visitor of a zoo who accidentally fell into the enclosure and now had to survive with 30 monkeys until the zookeeper let me out (graduation).

But, let's be honest: The main reason for misogyny is not an autistic teenage girl who is being bullied and uses misogynistic terms in response. The main reason for that is men and boys who uphold the patriarchy. You thinking so much about your own influence on patriarchal and misogynistic structures shows that you are quite mature and reflected, as well as very considerate, but as long as you write it into your diary and talk just with your mom about it, I don't think that you're a bad person. If you find better insults, you should obviously use them, but please please PLEASE don't feel worse about yourself than you already do.

Just keep in mind that most people who were bullied in high school turn out to be the coolest people afterwards. There are people who understand you out there, and you got this. I believe in you ❤️