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tinyboxxtink · 4 years ago

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Build Me Up Buttercup *Part 4*

WARNING: This chapter includes suggestion of sexual assault, and PTSD. Please read at your own discretion.

Tag List: @wanniiieeee

If you need to catch up!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5

“Come on sweetie, just let it happen.”

“Struggling is just gonna make it hurt more baby,”

“GOD DAMMIT I SAID STO--”

You felt yourself being shaken away from your nightmare.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!!!!” You screamed, pushing away whoever it was. After a moment to wake up and realize where you actually were, you turned to see a shocked Barba, and moments later the rest of the team came running up.

“What the fuck did you do to her Barba?” Fin shoved Rafael’s shoulder, while he remained stunned silent. You had to jump out of the car and without thinking you shoved Fin back up off of Rafael.

“Fin! He didn’t...he didn’t do, anything,” You stood protectively in front of Rafael as your voice trailed off. The rest of the squad stared back at you, obviously waiting for an explanation.

“I was having a nightmare, that’s all,” you assured them, looking back at Rafael with an apologetic look.

“I am so sorry” you whispered, and he gave your shoulder a squeeze.

“I--No, no, it’s fine Y/N; I’m sorry I scared you,”

“It’s not your fault I just...I have these nightmares. Really….vivid, nightmares,” You pushed your hair behind your ears nervously as you all began walking away from the car.

“So do you wanna talk about it or…?” Sonny asked.

“NO,” You blurted out louder and meaner than you intended, and you immediately shrank back.

“I mean, no thank you,” you meekly repeated, hoping they would drop it.

You entered what you could only describe as a “Honky Tonk” bar, complete with little plastic menus, saw dust on the floor and a big dance floor and stage.

“Did…..did I hit my head on the car door or something…?” You turned to see four grinning faces.

“You told us you missed home, so we brought home to you!” Sonny beamed proudly.

You vaguely remember months ago saying something in the squad room about how you missed the place where you were raised, in the south. But that was it.

“THIS? This is how you interpreted what the SOUTH is?” You looked at them dumbfounded.

“Amanda for Christ’s Sake you came from ATLANTA!”

“Yeah, and I LOVE places like this!” She giggled, dragging you towards the biggest booth they had while the group followed. All piling in, you finally notice Barba being squeezed into you, his expression was grim.

“....And how exactly did they get you to agree to this, counselor?” you raised an eyebrow.

“Oh please, it was his idea!” Olivia laughed, and it was your turn to look shocked. Mr. “I don’t drink gas station coffee’ suggested they eat a full meal in a place that was taken straight out of a western comedy?

“I don’t believe that for a second, Olivia,” you scoffed. But glancing at Rafael’s expression, you had to pause. He looked terrified, disgusted, and nervous, but a different kind of nervous, like he was awaiting approval. Did he...did he really do this?

“W-Why….why would you do that, Rafael? You’re clearly freaking out just sitting here,” You half chuckled, noting him already taking out Lysol wipes to wipe the table. He stopped and looked at you, embarrassed.

“I...Well, Amanda said something about your ‘home’ and I know you had a rough day and we just passed by this place, and I just...I don’t know I wanted to cheer you up. We can totally leave if you want to, REALLY we can,” He emphasized how much he would enjoy walking right out that door.

“NO we can’t, Barba. I’ve already started a tab at the bar, you’re stuck here for a while,” Amanda stuck her tongue out at him.

“We really can. Unlike Annie Oakley over here I didn’t grow up this southern,” You took pity on him, rubbing his shoulder tenderly.

“Nah, we can stay. I’ll just renew my tetanus shots when we get back to the city,” he winked.

Soon a waitress in a cowboy hat walked up to the table with a tray of shots.

“A round of tequila shots?” She asked, to which Amanda and Sonny grabbed and served out the shots.

“Thanks Amber, we’ll get back to you on the food,” Sonny smiled at Amber who nodded and walked away.

“....Seriously, what is happening right now?” You looked around at your usually stiff and narrow squad, now with tequila shots in their hands in the middle of a bar.

“Hey, we’re out of town. Rules don’t apply,” Fin winked.

You knocked back your own, feeling the liquid burn your throat all the way down. You hated tequila, maybe you should have mentioned that to Amanda too.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Olivia raised an eyebrow. “But, mama’s had a rough week,” she chuckled, knocking back her shot.

Rafael noticed the face you were making and laughed after taking his own.

“Aww hermosa, can’t handle your liquor?” he patted your back like a baby.

“I can handle my liquor just fine, amigo,” you snapped back.

“However, Tequila is no bueno,” you added with a tongued smile.

“Uh huh,” he nodded his head sarcastically.

“Excuse me, which one of us here is still a young hot thing with amazing metabolism?” you folded your arms.

“Excuse me, which one of us has more experience drinking alcohol?” He folded his right back.

“Oh I’d still say that would be me,” You said with a smirk, to which your entire squad looked at you with skeptical looks.

“What? I was locked up in my room my entire childhood, reading books and being a genius. I went to college at sixteen and kinda just went crazy,” you rambled on without thinking.

Shit, how did you get back here? Change the subject before they start asking questions, change it NOW.

“...But, um I’m over that, obviously. I’m not that girl anymore, is Amber coming back I think I’m gonna have a stack of ribs,” You grabbed a menu off the table and recited the first item you read.

Again, the squad could do nothing but exchange quizzical glances; maybe they really didn’t know anything about you.

Soon Amber reappeared and you all ordered; you did get the ribs, but added a Hurricane with it. Yeah, that was probably a good idea, right? Luckily everyone else ordered an adult beverage so you didn’t look like a lush; however all of their drinks were much more sophisticated, and you felt the age gap being more obvious than it normally was.

“So Y/N, besides being a kid genius from ‘The South’ and apparently a college party girl…”

“I was NOT a party girl!” You snapped out of nowhere, instantly regretting it. Your squad flinched at your hand hitting the table, Barba instinctively went for your other hand under the table. He didn’t know why it was instinct, it was some weird reflex.

“What….is happening right now?” Amanda whispered very loudly to Sonny; she was clearly tipsy.

What was happening right now? Well you knew the answer to that, obviously. This whole day, the whole...Mary, situation. It brought stuff up, and somehow it made itself clear it was NOT going away tonight.

“Fuck I’m sorry, Fin. AGAIN. Jesus I...I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight,” you lied, getting up from the booth.

“I...I need some air,” you lied again, walking away from the group before anyone could respond.

“Jesus, I was gonna ask more about her but I guess not,” Fin shrugged.

“Yeah I...I wouldn’t,” Olivia gave Fin a knowing look. Barba had seen that look between them before, and if it meant what he thought it meant he did not like it being used about you. At ALL.

“I’m gonna go check on her,” he practically leaped up from the booth to follow you.

“Rafa I don’t think that’s a great--” Olivia protested but he was already too far to hear.

“...Idea,” She sighed.

Would she prove to be right?

#rafael barba #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba imagine #Raul Esparza #build me up buttercup

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sainedeparam · 3 years ago

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okay so: one book and one song for 7 oc's your choice and why!!!

Flor i am so sorry because this took me forever to answer 😭😭😭 i really had to think about what fit best and i ended up changing the “one book” to “one quote from a book” since i struggled with that but here we go. Under the cut because it ended up being too long akshsjsksl

One Song

Tate Cerati • Believer by Imagine Dragons

First things first // I'ma say all the words inside my head // I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh-ooh // The way that things have been, oh-ooh // Second thing second // Don't you tell me what you think that I could be // I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh-ooh // The master of my sea, oh-ooh

No thoughts, just vibes with this song. I don’t really have a reason why I chose this for Tate other than vibes. It just felt so… him, if that makes sense.

Brynn Delvaux • Born Ready by Zayde Wølf

I don't believe in no devil // 'Cause I done raised this hell // Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh // I've been the last one standing // When all the giants fell // Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh // I won't shiver // I won't shake // I'm made of stone // I don't break // Start me up // Open my eyes // Turn me loose and you'll see why // I was born, born ready // I was born, born ready // Staring at the pressure now // I won't quit, not backing down // I was born, born ready // I was born, born ready

I like powerful women. The type of women that are feared by everyone. And this song best describes the kind of vibe I was going for when playing her route in WTNC.

Ryder Vesta • Centuries by Fall Out Boy

And I can't stop 'til the whole world knows my name // 'Cause I was only born inside my dreams // Until you die for me, as long as there's a light // My shadow's over you 'cause I am the opposite of amnesia // … // Some legends are told // Some turn to dust or to gold // But you will remember me // Remember me for centuries // And just one mistake // Is all it will take // We'll go down in history // Remember me for centuries // (Hey yeah, oh hey, hey yeah) // Remember me for centuries // We've been here forever // And here's the frozen proof // I could scream forever // We are the poisoned youth

In my head this is a Villain Theme Song and he’s cocky enough for this to fit him. And this is also to implement the fact that Ryder could never really become a Vigilante, let alone a Hero. Even if he’s dating a Hero, he will always will be a Villain and I love that for him.

Amaris Voight • Control by Halsey

I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head // They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead // And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head // They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead // I'm bigger than my body // I'm colder than this home // I'm meaner than my demons // I'm bigger than these bones // And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" // I can't help this awful energy // God damn right, you should be scared of me // Who is in control?

I was listening to this song while I was thinking about what I wanted to do for Amaris’ future. There is sort of a complexity of whether this means her talking to the citizens she’s meant to protect, her talking to Nathaniel + Areum or just her talking to herself. You can’t just have the amount of power she does while not being able to fully control it and not be wary of her.

Kavan Vekany • Stronger by The Score

Set me on fire // Set me on, set me on fire (whoa, whoa-oh) // I'm still alive // I'm still ali- I'm still alive (whoa) // Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life // Higher, faster, everlasting // Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life // Higher, faster, never-crashing // Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life // Stronger // (Stronger, stronger, stronger, stronger) // Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life // Stronger // (Stronger, stronger, stronger, stronger) // Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life // I do this with conviction // I write truths and never fiction // My disease is what you fed // I can't stop with my ambition // Like a missile on a mission // I'm a force that you will dread-ead

If The Exile was a series or movie, I can envision this song being played while at the end of Chapter 3, or maybe Chapter 4 since that’s when we maybe talk to Syfin + Trystan + Our Family.

Benjamin Blackwood • My Demons by STARSET

Mayday, mayday // The ship is slowly sinking // They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling // They're all around me circling like vultures // They wanna break me and wash away my colors // Wash away my colors // Take me high and I'll sing // Oh, you make everything okay, okay, okay (okay, okay, okay) // We are one and the same // Oh, you take all of the pain away, away, away (away, away, away) // Save me if I become // My demons

This is just basically him asking for help, I just haven’t decided if I want this to be romantic or platonic in terms of he’s asking for help from.

Kai Morgenstern • Lovely by Billie Eilish & Khalid

Thought I found a way // Thought I found a way out (found) // But you never go away (never go away) // So I guess I gotta stay now // Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here // Even if it takes all night or a hundred years // Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near // Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear // Isn't it lovely, all alone // Heart made of glass, my mind of stone // Tear me to pieces, skin to bone // Hello, welcome home

Kai and her complicated one-sided relationship with the supernatural world. There’s a reason why she has a really high Resistance Stat.

One Quote

Tate Cerati • Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz

“Another secret of the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer could end in a downpour. Could end in lightning and thunder.”

This ties to the moment he found out the truth about Daphne, and Alex. How everything just shattered for him in the blink of an eye. It also ties to other events, like finding out what happened to his mother and during the battle when Daphne dies trying to save him. It's just him not expecting an outcome that would destroy his life, in a sense. The kind of outcome where he has to live with that knowledge knowing there is nothing he could have done to change it.

Brynn Delvaux • They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera

“Sometimes the truth is a secret you're keeping from yourself because living a lie is easier.”

I headcanon that she had her suspicions about what Hunters really were. I mean you can't really be that strong and still be human. But keeping it to herself and not investigating further was better than to face the truth because being just like the kind of creatures she was taught to hunt was too much for her to handle. Even after she learns the truth during the story she is still in a bit of denial.

Ryder Vesta • The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

“Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. 'I'm okay' we say. 'I'm alright'. But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer--it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.”

I told you about what his childhood, and how he came to be working for the Phoenix Organization, so this fits into him questioning Phoenix and his upbringing. Trying to figure out whether what he was told about his parents abandoning him were true or not, and thinking about what he would do if it weren't. The slow process of finding the truth, thinking that he's okay until it hits the point where he realizes he's actually not okay and not knowing if he is actually strong enough to go against the person he was loyal to.

Amaris Voight • Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz

“Sometimes, you do things and you do them not because you're thinking but because you're feeling. Because you're feeling too much. And you can't always control the things you do when you're feeling too much.”

Every decision she made after waking up were based on feelings so they are a bit questionable even if they're not exactly bad, like not reaching out to Nathaniel and Areum. But it also fits in terms of her abilities. She has sort of learned how to use her abilities and has trained in order to be able to control her powers but she still doesn’t know the extent to what she can do so sometimes when she’s feeling too much, she can’t really control her abilities and the outcome of that is not always pretty :(

Kavan Vekany • The Burning Maze (The Trials of Apollo, #3) by Rick Riordan

“Pain is an interesting thing. You think you have reached your limit and you can’t possibly feel more tortured. Then you discover there is still another level of agony. And another level after that.”

After reading the new update, this just fits him so much. Everything he had to go through after [redacted], especially whatever they did in order for him to not be able to fully transform anymore? He’s known pain like never before, and you know it’s bad when even i think it’s too much lmao.

Benjamin Blackwood • Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

“He was not happy. He was not happy. He said the words to himself. He recognized this as the true state of affairs. He wore his happiness like a mask and the girl had run off across the lawn with the mask and there was no way of going to knock on her door and ask for it back.”

He grew up thinking that there was only one way of doing things, his father’s way. It never really hit him until he got older. For the majority of his life he just kept on doing what he was told because he thought it was the right thing to do and because he wanted his father to be proud but he was never truly happy. He never stopped to think about that feeling until later on.

Kai Morgenstern • They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera

“I've spent years living safely to secure a longer life, and look where that's gotten me. I'm at the finish line but I never ran the race.”

My favorite girl, who hates life in NMC and being a Keeper in general. She wasn’t exactly “safe” or “cautious” when doing things before the events of kotsam but her life was never in danger, she had everything she wanted. And then, in the form of one car crash and almost being killed, he future just went down the drain and in the span of 2 years (so far) she has had so many near death experiences. She’s just so tired at this point.

#i didn’t really give a big explanation for the songs and im sorry for that. i just didn’t know what to say since some were based on vibes #and i know Benjamin’s descriptions are confusing since i haven’t talked about him or his story to you so im sorry about that too akshsksks #also. after i finished writing this i realized it ended up being pretty sad and i guess it’s just on brand for me now 😔#i love them though. they do get sort of happy endings #my babies <3 #thank you love!!#misc: asks #tag: flor ✨

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phantomwarrior12 · 5 years ago

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Darkest Part

Prompt: Darkest Part by Red

Word Count: 2,444

Warnings: Real sketch situation, creepy vibes, mention of blood, intimidation, innuendos

Summary: Sometimes a rescue doesn’t go as planned and a girl has to take matters into her own hands to save her rescuer’s life.

A/N: Hi folks!

Ah, here we are, two weeks after it was promised, the third chapter of Dark Returns. I suppose it fits since it’s spooky season. :)

Please leave a like/comment and let me know your thoughts!

Enjoy!

~Phantom

No Escape (Ch. 2)

Intensify (Ch. 4)

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I never wanted you to see

The darkest part of me

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"I've been here almost three months. The boys are no doubt onto you, so, for the love of all that is holy, unholy, or otherwise, tell me why the hell I'm here."

"I'm a little disappointed you haven't figured it out yet."

You don't like the patronizing lilt in his voice, the arrogant glimmer in searing whiskey as they rake over your tense form. You're tired of the cryptic one liners that never make any sense, the carnal glint in every gaze, the mocking mantra whenever he returns.

"Then how about you give me a clue?"

You know he can hear the growing aggravation in your voice, the exasperation in your eyes as you meet his gaze boldly.

"Nope, no can do, sweetcheeks."

There it is, a shadow you could recognize anywhere. He slips up, not often, but just often enough that you can't help but hope that the spell you've found will actually cleanse his grace.

That's probably what sets him off the most, those scrutinizing eyes studying every action, every word for traces of his former self. For reasons beyond your comprehension, he loves your attention, especially when he gets to flaunt the control he has over you. Sometimes you want to wring him up by his feathers and see how long it takes for a corrupted archangel to escape a demon's trap with holy fire and warded cuffs.

"Oh, the things that float through that pretty little head of yours. You're kinkier than you like to admit."

You shake your head to clear the rather vivid image from your mind before you meet his gaze.

"I thought we established boundaries?"

"Old me did, new me doesn't care," he ventures closer.

You fold your arms across your chest, leaning against the counter. You look calm, yet you know he can sense the growing apprehension.

"New you should get with the program." It's harsher than you intend, a silent betrayal of the facade you've fought to keep up with the ever-dwindling space between the two of you.

"Aw, you still have a rebellious spark," another pitiful tilt of the head, another downward twitch to the corner of his lips as if he actually feels some shred of sympathy for you, "That's adorable."

"I'm sure it is," given his expression, he understands the meaning of the deadpan as you lift your head, squaring your shoulders beneath the weight of his gaze.

"How long until you cave, sweets? I'm getting impatient." His eyes rake over your form, steadily pacing closer.

"Bite me."

"Only if you ask nicely."

"Perv."

"I think I like you better when you're scared."

"What?"

"The quiver of your lips, every muscle, every tendon trembling the closer I get," he's inches away and you wish you could retreat a few more steps to put more space between you, a wish thwarted by the edge of the counter pressing hard against the base of your spine, "I can hear your heart pounding, your mind racing and," there's a devilish grin tugging at the corner of his lips, arms resting on either side of the counter, "there it is. The fear, the adrenaline--oh, yes...it's intoxicating."

You divert your gaze as his lips press against the side of your neck, fighting for any semblance of control over the flood of unidentifiable emotions.

"Not as into it as I am, are you?" There's a reluctant twinge somewhere beneath the depths of his gaze.

"No."

He recoils, "Dear Dad, the things I'd do to you if those pesky--" he stops himself, abandoning your frame altogether.

"Pesky what?" You're slow to step away from the counter, cautious and bold all at once.

"Morals. Fragments. Unimportant," he paces away, rubbing at something absently on his wrist.

You dare a few steps closer, reaching for his shoulder before he turns to face you abruptly, gripping your wrist. Your breath catches in your throat, y/e/c locking with dark rims of hazel as they drift from your hand to your eyes and he releases his hold

You force back the fear, the blaring alarms in the back of your mind as your fingers smooth over his forearm in the first touch you've initiated since his resurrection.

He watches as your eyes fall to his arm, gingerly prying the material of his jacket away from his wrist to reveal a deep laceration. The ache in your chest reminds you of a time before midnight consumed honey, a time when you played nurse to a battered archangel after the battle with Lucifer.

"What happened?" You ask at last, inspecting the extent of the damage.

He arches an eyebrow, but decides to humor you, if for no other reason beyond entertaining himself, "Skirmish."

"With what?"

"It's not important."

"Gabriel." You warn, leading him to the couch before grabbing the first aid kit under the end table.

"You're adorable when you're trying to be stern," he goads, allowing you to clean the wound.

"Fine, don't tell me. Why isn't your grace healing you?"

"Corrupted grace, remember?" He deadpans, amusement dissipating, "Doesn't work as well as it used to."

"What if I can cleanse it?" you look up, meeting his gaze, "What if I could help--"

"You can't," he returns sharply, "I am how I am, Y/N. Whether you like it or not, this is what i am now."

Your shoulders sag, relenting for the time being as you redirect your attention to the stitches you're securing.

It's silent, an uncomfortable silence, but silent nonetheless. You can feel the weight of his gaze, the heat of the back of his hand against your thigh as you gingerly bandage the stitches, trying to ignore how damned familiar this all feels.

"Stop staring."

"I'm not."

"Thought you didn't lie."

"I'm musing, there's a difference, sweetcheeks."

"I'll bite, what are you musing about?"

You know he can sense the annoyance, but if it bothers him, he doesn't let it show, "The first time we met."

"That's...a little sappy for a corrupted archangel." You steal a glance towards his face, catching the tail end of an expression you can't quite identify.

"It'll fade."

"What drew your attention to that memory?"

"Deja vu," he nods pointedly to your hands on his wrist.

You fall silent, securing the bandage in place and waiting another two minutes before you speak, "Gabriel?"

"What?" He flexes his wrist, testing the durability of your work.

"You said that what you are now is what you'll always be, right?"

"Yep, meaner than Dean with his little mark."

"But this wasn't your choice...was it?"

He snorts indelicately, a wrinkle of the nose you can only attribute to a subconscious tendency to not humor obvious guesses, "Nope."

"But could you have made a choice to refuse this?"

"When someone is resurrected, it's usually against their will, sweets. I didn't want--" he stops himself, catching the slip before it takes him too far, "never mind."

"You didn't want to come back, at least, not like this."

"This is Gabriel numero dos, new and improved," another barrage of the archangel's charm, another scrap you long to see, "I'm back and better than ever."

"Personally, I'd call this a downgrade." You fold you arms across your chest, slouching against the back of the couch.

He pauses, something you can only assume is confusion or perhaps indignation glinting in his eyes as he shifts his gaze to you. "You have too many opinions."

"And you're not as much of a dick as you could be." You return promptly, a shadow of a smirk tugging at the corner of your lips until he leans closer.

He's hovering over you, holding just short of your face with arms on either side of the couch cushion, "Say that again," it's not a playful lilt, not like it used to be. His eyes are lost to the inky chasm, the edge in his voice setting off every alarm, every hunter's instinct you have.

"Gabe--"

"Don't. I said, say it again." You're pressed as far back as the couch allows, heart pounding, skin crawling as you fight to meet his haunting gaze.

"I'm sorry," you manage, y/e/c dropping to the dwindling space between your frames.

"I feed you. I protect you and this is the thanks I get? Heckling, endless questions, and scrutinizing looks? Dear Dad, you really are a Winchester." His eyes flicker over your features, glee creeping into his stern glower, "But, you are trembling, which means you're learning your place."

You press harder against the back of the back of the couch, setting your jaw as his fingers reach out, easing their way beneath the material of your shirt. His warped grace ghosts over your skin, leaving an almost burning sensation in its icy wake. You can't escape it, crimson wisps steadily trailing closer to the band of your jeans, moving in tandem with his lips over your collar bone.

"I can taste your fear, Y/N." He fiddles with the button of your jeans, hoping no doubt, for a whimper or another plead, "Who's not much of a dick now?"

"Gabriel--"

"Y/N!"

Gabriel jerks back, midnight shifting to the new arrival with a mixture of fury and amusement, "Cassie? I must say it is a surprise to see you here. However did you find us?"

He's patronizing again, but you're grateful it's on someone else, another out for his wrath.

"How doesn't matter. Why are you holding her here?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Castiel?" You start to stand, only to be shoved back down onto the couch.

"Sit down, sweets, Cas and I have some business to attend to," Gabriel straightens up, turning to face his younger brother, "You know, I can't have you telling tweedledee and tweedledum about Y/N's little place here," he gestures around him.

"Gabriel, this isn't you. The resurrection was--"

"A gift. What is it with you people?" He begins to pace, Castiel keeping him at a safe distance, "This isn't you. I can help, yadda, yadda, yadda." He mocks, gesturing between the two of you before he jabs his thumb into his chest, "I like how I am."

"No, you don't--"

"Says who?" He bites back, circling closer to his little brother.

"You do." Castiel returns boldly, stealing a glance towards your confused form, "It's why she's here and not on Earth. You're afraid, terrified of how she'll see you if she saw the full magnitude of what you're doing."

"Shut up!" Gabriel's angel blade slips down his sleeve, "She's here because--because I said so, dammit!"

"You're still attached, Gabriel, emotionally tied to Y/N just as you always have been," Castiel draws his own angel blade, preparing to block.

"Wow, where'd you get that one? Sam-heart-on-my-sleeve Winchester? I don't give rat's ass what she thinks. She'll be my queen, and then she'll understand why I've done all this--"

"You'll show her the end result, but you hide the process because you want to protect--"

"The her in question is sitting right here!" You manage to reclaim a fragment of courage, y/e/c darting between the brothers.

"As much as I enjoyed your visit, Cassie, it's time for you to leave," Gabriel moves forward, prompting the angel to retreat a step.

"Not without Y/N."

"Suit yourself."

You barely scream a warning before Gabriel lunges, knocking Castiel back against the wall. The cabin trembles, walls vibrating, windows rattling as a storm gathers above. It's relentless, an onslaught of rain and thunder as the angels battle, grace flying, blades clashing and you're helpless to stop them.

Your protests are lost to the cacophony above as you beg for them to stop as Gabriel lands a laceration to Castiel's arm. Blades abandoned, they resort to fists and the younger angel is no match for the fury of a warped archangel.

He's a bloodied mess beneath his brother's knuckles, beaten into a state of unconsciousness as you scramble to pull Gabriel off.

With a flick of the wrist, you're sent hurtling against the far wall, shattering frames and tables alike. Every muscle screams in protest as you lift yourself to your elbows, mind racing as y/e/c searches for a solution.

You notice the crimson seeping from your palm. You don't have a choice, Castiel can't handle anymore. He could die.

It's all you can tell yourself--how you can justify painting the banishing sigil onto the wooden boards beneath you.

"Gabriel!"

He stops long enough to look over his shoulder at you, eyes widening when you slam your palm onto the sigil.

The flare of light fades and Castiel is gone, leaving only the corrupted archangel kneeling on the floor.

"Son of a--" he rubs his chest forcefully, as if he's willing sharp flare of pain echoing across his flesh to fade.

"You--you didn't disappear." You stammer, fear gripping hold.

"Guess I'm not as angelic as you thought," another hollow laugh that sends a chill down your spine and pools in your stomach.

You scramble back against the wall as he rises, an uncertain sway in his steps as he moves closer to you. All you can hear, all you can feel is the pounding of your heart in your chest, eyes locked on his frame when he kneels in front of you.

"Banishing Cas, huh? You delayed the inevitable, that's all." He reaches out, his bloodied knuckles ghosting over your cheek, a soft whimper slipping free as you shy away from his touch, "When I find him...it won't be me who kills him, sweets. It's you."

He stumbles to his feet, clutching his side as he all but collapses onto the couch, leaving you a quivering mess in the corner of the room.

"You know, I never wanted this. You. To see me like this. The monster drudged up from the Empty with a lust for death." his gaze flickers towards you, studying your trembling frame, "You always saw the best in me, didn't you? Even when dumb and dumber warned you off, you always thought there was some shred of decency in the old Trickster."

His features soften, and for a brief moment, he's the same broken archangel you'd met years ago on one of his just dessert escapades. For a brief moment, he's Gabriel. Your archangel. Your feathers.

And then he's gone, swiftly replaced with a callous flare of midnight that consumes the soft honey you've grown to love.

"Too bad he's gone. Now, it's just you and me, sweets, for the rest of eternity."

"I won't give up," you manage, slowly unfurling from the ball of fear.

"You will, you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because we have nothing but time."

---------------------

Chapter 4

Taglists are open! Send me an ask/message/comment to be added!

Gabriel Squad: @thewhiterabbit42 @erisunderthemoon @stuckoutsideofthebox @nuvoleincielo @lyselkatz @high-church-of-the-holy-dick @fand0maniac @lovelyhexbag @shaylybaby2032 @soul-fandom @archangelgabriellives Forevers: @heaven-hell-imagines @a-mess-of-many-fandoms @currentlyfangirling99 @bofa-deans-nuts @emiwrites3reads Dark Returns: @idabbleincrazy

#gabriel spn #gabriel x reader #archangel gabriel #gabriel #supernatural #spn #phantom writes

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spaceorphan18 · 6 years ago

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Did you see Naya and Heather in Kevin's and Jenna's podcast? Naya said that one of her more difficult scenes was Santana's rant to Kurt in season 6, that it was very mean, it blurred the lines and made Chris upset.

I didn’t listen to it, but I did hear about it! And yeah, I was thinking about this last night.

Just some loose thoughts -

0. This speech isn’t very well written to begin with. It’s redundant, completely not relevant to what Santana would actually be mad about, and I’m actually wondering if they even cut some of it out of it - because it’s weirdly edited. I am, admittedly, amused by the Quinn Fabray line, draping over pianos, and the three dance moves, (none of which are the meanest parts of the rant, and the most Kurt-ish of the lines) but the rest of the rant itself is garbage.

0.B - they kept needling Kurt (and therefore Chris) over his love of old people in season 6. I’m not sure why this was constantly so funny to the writers. It isn’t really funny at the first joke.

1. I’ve never found any of Santana’s (or Sue’s for that matter) elongated rants very funny. This one isn’t funny, either. But I don’t think this is the worst one - she’s had meaner and crueler ones -- particularly aimed at Rachel, Finn, and even Rory. (The one at Finn in Mash Off is my least favorite, but that’s a whole different discussion.)

2. That said - I do not understand why this particular one went viral. I don’t think there was anything particularly special that made this rant any better or worse than any other rant on the show - save that it was lumped together. People seem to latch on to overly mean things and I think, in general and I think that’s kind of sad.

2.B Possibly alienating opinion but - my one issue with the whole push back from the angry Kurt fans was that it felt incredibly hypocritical of them to be this upset over the whole thing when they themselves had been flinging worse things at other people (namely Blaine/Darren) and that no one seemed to be that upset when people like Rory or Brody or even Will got pelted when those lines were blurred as well.

2.C Mean-spirited things are mean, and I wish all of it had been called out on at length, and not just when flung at favorite characters.

3. I don’t really believe it’s out of character for Santana to rant. I do think it’s harsh to point it at Kurt, especially when Santana and Kurt have been rather cordial and tolerant of each other. It also seems more like a vehicle for the writers to vent their own issues and criticisms (or air criticisms they’ve found online) and hiding it behind a character quirk.

3.B Which is a thing that Glee did a lot, though they often used Sue more often to do so. It’s a form of lampshading (a way for writers to acknowledge something without actually doing anything about it - usually as a way to get in a sexist or racist joke, etc), and I find it either lazy or way to be intentionally mean spirited.

4. Glee could be a mean show. Like digging into people for no other reason than the could. Which is why I’ve never been overly fond of the writers. I got the sense that they a) enjoyed mean spirited humor and b) would often write out mean things when they feel like they’ve been hurt by criticism of the show.

4.B Glee was sometimes was the internet trolls come to life. Santana’s speech was, really, just that.

5. Glee had this weird duality where it was both progressive and regressive at the same time. I think the duel nature stems from them wanting to push things forward that meant something to the writers -- GLEE CLUB FAMILY, GAY RIGHTS, while being stuck with the mentality of a show stuck in the 80s.

6. I do agree with Naya’s assessment that the speech blurred the lines of reality and fantasy. Glee has always done this. And in season 6, they were constantly doing this - though, again, usually overtly with Sue.

7. I can only imagine it being an awful thing for Naya to have to do. Because it’s one thing if you can throw barbs with another actors who can take it, handle it, be comfortable trading insults in such a manner. It’s another thing to have to throw unveiled criticisms at a good friend (and yes I think Naya and Chris are good friends) when you know that person is possibly sensitive to such criticisms and/or having a difficult time with the presented material. I completely understand Naya would comment that this would be uncomfortably, awkward, and difficult to do.

8. I am sad that Chris was upset by the whole thing. I can only imagine that after having a life time of people hurling shit like this at him his whole life, to be really successful and still have to be forced to face personal insults like this is insensitive at best and cruel at worst.

9. This is why I just can’t jump on the bandwagon of Ryan and Co being geniuses at their craft. They claim to be anti-bullying, for example, go out of their way to do story lines around it, and then they play the mean girls themselves when they want to needle someone or someones whom they feel needs a verbal take town. Just not my cup of tea.

10. All that said, while I’m sorry Naya was put in that position, and while I think it’s unfortunate that Chris had to go through that (again), I’m not as enraged as this post may make it seem. It sounds like Ryan and Co’s mean spirited nature got way out of hand on this one, which makes me roll my eyes and shake my head. But at the end of the day, while I’m sure this is another notch on the - Chris won’t be working with RM again - board; I’m sure Chris is over it, is in a pretty happy place with his millions of self-made dollars, lovely boyfriend, and happy puppies. So there’s no real need to get angry or upset over it on Chris’s behalf.

That’s my two cents.

#that's how s.o. sees it #Anonymous

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chibivesicle · 6 years ago

Text

Ogata’s behaviour is contradictory during the course of the hunt for the gold. Why?

In light of the recent events in the Karafuto arc, we readers witnessed the full meltdown of Ogata on the ice flow from chapters 185-188. One of the first things that comes to many people’s minds was “Why did Ogata give up so easily? Kiro is fighting to his very last breath and Ogata just rolled over.”.

These are my thoughts on why Ogata oscillates between caring about himself and behaving recklessly.

Warning, this is not my usual style for this meta post. Sometimes I get a bit personal to explain things.

So what is a good way to approach Ogata’s varied behaviour’s throughout the series? I decided to make a several categories and then list various instances when he behaved in certain ways. Please keep in mind that this is not meant to be a comprehensive list. I’m sure I could add more but these are really all of the major points that stand out to me.

Below are the following three categories:

There are times were he accepts his fate that he could die:

1.) When Sugimoto breaks his arm and has him pinned down.

2.) When he gets shot in the arm in Barato and falls off the fire/bell tower.

3.) When he gets pinned down and beaten by the unknown 27th division solider in Edogai’s house.

4.) When he eggs Asirpa on to shoot him with the arrow.

These are times when he behaves in a risky fashion indicating that he has little concern for his life:

1.) Standing up when he reveals his position to Tanigaki knowing it is a trap.

2.) Setting the herring mansion on fire to find the hidden skin.

3.) The sniper battle with Vasily where he uses himself as bait.

These are times where he behaves in a cautious way or fights to live:

1.) Poking Sugimoto in the eyes to escape being pinned down and running away with the broken arm after Asirpa saves him.

2.) Shoot out with Tsurumi and the 27th after Tanigaki shot him.

3.) Fight with Tsukishima in Edogai’s.

4.) Escaping the coal mine with the miners in Yuubari.

5.) Figuring out the fake Ainu in the Silent Kotan arc.

6.) Pretty much anytime he goes hunting for the greater group.

7.) Shooting the deer on the mountain pass, saving the entire group from hypothermia.

8.) Bringing his rifle into the bath area of the onsen.

If we look at all of these different events Ogata switches back and forth between fighting for his survival in life threatening situations, to acting recklessly, to just accepting his fate that he is about to be killed. So why would Ogata be swinging between these different extremes in regards to his actions in life threatening situations?

I think it is safe to say that based on Ogata’s life experiences is a very hurt and damaged individual who has pushed his emotions and feelings aside so that he could cope during his childhood. He then brought these habits into adulthood and has never faced them or would think about learning how to heal from all of this psychological trauma. Ogata has a very low opinion of himself, he sees himself as an individual missing something and that he likely wonders why he exists when he was born into a crappy family situation. He likely thinks, “Why was I born into a place where I was not wanted?”. He’s been rejected by his mother as she hopes his father will return for her, not for them. He is rejected by his father who thinks he was disgusted by his mother and that’s the only time that we know where he comes clean about his actions to someone besides Asirpa on the ice flow. He confesses the truth to Hanazawa in a long monologue and Hanazawa calls him a monster. He then confesses the truth to Asirpa in another monologue and she can only simply say that she won’t kill him despite his confession.

We know that he was bullied for his personal background. He likely put on airs that it didn’t bother him in the 27th, but the bullying likely hurt him a lot. The fact that Koito talks about his background and adds in that he didn’t like his attitude makes me think that members of the 27th got meaner to him when they couldn’t illicit a rise out of him as he coped by pretending to not care of it didn’t matter. I think Ogata was one of those people that “bothered” other people just by being himself and it made everyone meaner to him.

Since the beginning, he has always tried to project an air of self confidence when interacting with others and as long as he has had his rifle [security blanket]. These actions helped him as a defense mechanism and prevented others from getting close to him. But based on everything that we know by this point in the manga, it is safe to conclude that he suffers from depression and likely has suicidal tendencies. His suicidal tendencies are not in the context that he wants to kill himself but that he is more than okay with someone else killing him in particular instances. He doesn’t value his life highly b/c he thinks no one cares about him at the moment. We know he was loved by his grandma b/c she brought him and his mother home and that shows that grandma Ogata was a strong woman but she wasn’t able to raise him the same way that a mother and father could.

So, let’s go with the idea that Ogata is suffering from depression; is there a way that we could explain his moodiness/shifts in how he feels about himself throughout the story to date?

Depression impacts different people different ways, so there is no universal way to categorize these things. A reader can only approach understanding a character such as Ogata from that reader’s own experiences in life.

My personal hypothesis is:

Ogata is a high functioning individual with severe depression in addition to having a fear of rejection and intimacy with occasional suicidal tendencies.

Why do I propose this hypothesis?

Based on my own life experiences.

And this is where writing this meta hits close to home so to speak. I will do my best to try to explain things, as I’ve been thinking about how to approach this topic in the most careful way possible. I keep coming back to the only way I can understand Ogata, is by connecting my own experiences with what I see his character doing.

I suffer from depression and I will deal with it my whole life. I once had a friend who doesn’t suffer from it ask me “When will you get better?”; I struggled to explain to her that you don’t get better. You just always have it present in your life. My personal experience has been you swing between times when it is laying low and you don’t really notice or feel it. Other times you are stuck in the mire of it; you spend half your time wondering if you should try to pull yourself out or just sit there waiting for it to lift.

Ogata’s depression:

When I’m severely depressed several things happen; 1.) My moods shift between feeling numb where I don’t feel much of anything or having strong mood swings where I’m very excitable and agitated to becoming view sad or angry. 2.) As a result I may become very fixated on certain things and be exceptionally productive at work and get lots of stuff done. On the flip side, I may have to force myself to do simple tasks outside of everything but work. Medically speaking, I am a high functioning person with depression; my work either continues as expected or my productivity goes up as a way to avoid thinking about anything else. Most people won’t even notice that i’m depressed.

This type of behavior is okay in the short term, it allows you to maintain the status quo but it is not sustainable. And this is where Ogata’s behaviours make a lot of sense to me. When Ogata is working towards a goal (usually sniping/mission related) he is at his absolute best, he’s brought his “A” game and he will do whatever it takes e.g. rescuing Tanigaki before the end of the 3 day time limit, allowing the team to rescue Shiraishi and survive crossing over the mountain pass, giving the group the upper hand at the onsen by having a firearm within reach. But he’s able to do this when he feels like he can do this or this is a good distraction from thinking about other things. Likely, at other points, he’s in this weird state where you are numb, you are somewhat engaged but you really don’t care about what happens to you . . . it is hard to describe but it has a certain feeling of being detached from what is happening around you even though you are involved in it. Sorry, I can’t explain this any better . . .

In my experience being depressed isn’t a constant state, you move between different feelings and depending on where you are at you will react differently. This makes so much sense as we see Ogata responding to similar situations e.g. life threatening ones in such different ways. Sometimes he just lays there and takes it, sometimes he gambles (with his life) for a huge gain, and other times he’s hyper conservative and cautious doing whatever it takes to survive.

When he gambles with his life, I often wonder if he gets an adrenaline rush? When this happens, he perhaps feels more alive than normal and it temporally pulls him out of a more depressed state or it makes him feel more than normal.

Ogata’s fear of rejection and intimacy:

The second aspect of Ogata is that he has an extreme fear of rejection by others. This came from several different conversations on Discord as well as general observations of his behaviors. In the context of the manga, it fits in with the theme that he is seen as a scammer and a betrayer. He betrays Tsurumi and the 27th with Tamai and Co. He betrays Hijikata (who used Sugimoto and Shiraishi as bait) and Sugimoto by shooting him at Abarashi. But another way to look at this is he was always afraid of being rejected and replaced.

He’s bounced between all of these different groups and factions. This gives us insight into the fact that in part he’s looking for a place to belong with good leadership/mentor/father figure, some rifle nerd friends and maybe just some friends. But he’s likely afraid that he will find people he likes and if he likes them he’s terrified that they will reject him. The 27th already rejected him when he was in it with the yamaneko nickname/bullying. He’s likely afraid of being rejected and bullied b/c his previous experiences have trained him to trust no one.

So he does two major behaviors to avoid rejection; 1.) he keeps his distance [aloofness] 2.) he’s sarcastic and sassy to make it look like he isn’t hurt or offended. We see the best example of his distance when he is forced to join Sugimoto and Asirpa’s groups both times. He serves the important function of picking up the rear which is a protective position but also allows him to hang back and disengage. So he is protecting the group, but he’s also protecting his own personal space and isolation. He tries his hardest to not participate in the group despite Asirpa’s repeated guilt trips to say “citatap” and “hinna”. To really make sure others don’t get close to him, he makes sarcastic remarks or may blurt out an honest or truthful statement in a blunt way but almost expects to get ignored or is so used to being ignored he figures he might as well say it.

When Sugimoto singles him out during the last supper at Edogai’s house, he deflects Sugimoto’s statement in a very over the top fashion for him. He usually makes minimal facial expressions or hand motions but there he completely hams it up. My only explanation for his behavior is that he is hurt by Sugimoto’s statement so he instead tries to use his sass and sarcasm deflect that pain.

Ogata’s fear of rejection makes a lot of sense to me; I have struggled with relationships over the years. I was a victim of bullying when I was younger and used the similar approach of sarcasm or the idea that it just didn’t bother me which only inspired people to bully me further. It creates a tough situation, you try to ignore the pain but people get egged on and then try to push you further. Sadly, I my current job has a lot of bullying and I find myself trying to cope with all of these things by myself with little support. I think since I see many aspects of my life in Ogata’s own, that as I read chapters 164, 165 and 169, I cried b/c the pain he was feeling was all too real. Why? Because all of the members of the 27th are adults. You aren’t children or students anymore you are adults and these adults are bullying each other in the workplace, in the case of Golden Kamuy, the military. But when you are so used to being on guard to bullying that you push everyone away. And when you push everyone away you begin to reject others before they can reject you b/c it is safer. Is this a good idea in the long run? Oh hell no. But is it safe and comfortable to do? Oh hell yes.

So, there is more than enough evidence that Ogata has been bullied and he is so afraid of rejection that he tries to disconnect from everyone else in the 27th. And this is where the complication comes in with Yuusaku trying to form a friendship with Ogata. When Yuusaku tries to connect with him, he rejects him without realizing it. Ogata tells him how he copes with killing in a truthful and honest statement; that “he doesn’t feel pain”. We know that he does feel pain but his survival mechanism is to push it down and tell himself he doesn’t feel anything. Plus, if he is depressed than he likely does have much more numbed feelings. [Again, this is where my personal experience is being applied to Ogata.] I still get really emotional when i re-read the scene between Yuusaku and Ogata. Yuusaku wants to connect with Ogata; Ogata sees the hypocrisy of what Hanazawa expects from Yuusaku. Fearlessly inspire young men into battle, but, leave those soldiers to deal with the after effects of the trauma of warfare. Even though Ogata says he doesn’t feel anything, the fact that he sees the contradiction in Yuusaku implies that he knows he’s in pain too but he just can’t see it or refuses to acknowledge it. So to have Yuusaku try to comfort him by stating that “people like that [you] simply can’t exist.” is an inadvertent/accidental way where he rejects Ogata’s survival method at this point in time.

After Ogata’s fever dream, he connected Yuusaku and Asirpa to be people of a similar mindset and background. Now, we still don’t have all of the information about Asirpa’s no killing policy. She is complicit to an extent in the death of people in the hunt for the gold, however, we do not know if Wilk told her that she could not kill or if she decided on her own that she would not kill another human. As they have traveled through Karafuto together, it has become clear that Ogata began to connect with Asirpa. They would go hunting together, he appreciated her saving Sugimoto’s miso for him etc.

He has learned about Wilk with Asirpa and he has filled in the blanks with what he knows from Hanazawa and Yuusaku. Is this hypothesis of his correct? I would guess not, since Asirpa has more true leadership potential and independence than Yuusaku displayed. But it makes a lot of sense that Ogata saw a child of a father who had certain expectations and ambitions for a “chosen” offspring. He thinks that Asirpa was set up to be a flag bearer for the Ainu and other native people’s independence movement.

But the problem is that Ogata started to care about Asirpa as a person and see her as someone who might be his friend. I think he saw her crush on Sugimoto as something that could develop into how his mother felt about Hanazawa so he does his “best” to persuade her from crushing on him further. He also got mothering from her, letting her spoon feed him on numerous occasions and accept all of the birds he shot for dinner her to prepare.

So now Asirpa is the person who has a weird combination of traits of the mother he never had and the purity of his brother. Therefore, all of these emotions mixed up would be confusing for anyone. Asirpa is a person who hasn’t judged him, has said nice things about him and he has repaid her kind behaviours with his own polite ones back e.g. citatap and hinna only loud enough for her to hear. Ogata is a straightforward character. If someone does something for him, he will return the favor (even if Sugimoto doesn’t know that he saved his life).

But I’m talking about how Ogata has a fear of rejection; how does this fit in with Asirpa? This fits in perfectly with what happened between the two of them. Ogata figures out that Asirpa knows what the code is. He likely has decided that this will be the test of their relationship. If she trusts him and accepts him, she will give him the code willingly. This might be the first time that he feels accepted by another person. Why does this happen now?

Because he knows that Sugimoto is alive and if Asirpa knows that he is alive, Ogata is terrified that she will abandon and reject him to return to Sugimoto.

Over the course of several chapters he first tries to get Asirpa to tell him the code b/c he wants some of the gold and that he isn’t greedy. This line of reasoning isn’t good enough, so he then omits some of the details to tell her that Kiro is the one who lead to Wilk being shot but he wasn’t directly involved. But during this whole time Ogata loses his normally cool and rational behaviour and begins to become very upset and panicked as Sugimoto gets closer. This is what leads him to make up his almost believable lies but he pushes it too far. He had all of the elements he needed to sway her, he had enough information but at some point he added in his own wishes and desires for himself/his parents and it creates a ball of emotional confusion. And that ball of emotional confusion is his undoing. Asirpa figures out that he’s lying and just like Yuusaku, she reacts in what is the worst way possible for Ogata. She tells him that she can’t believe anything about him and doesn’t trust him at all.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is the point where he snaps.

At some point during his panic to try go get Asirpa to tell him the code to find the gold, he went from caring about getting the code and the gold, to getting Asirpa to tell him the code b/c he wanted her to trust and accept him. Or maybe this happened earlier on Karafuto after his fever dream or at some point during their travels. Maybe this was after the encounter with the lynx.

The meaning of all of this is that when Ogata is asking Asirpa to give him the code, he changed it from being about the gold to being about Asirpa trusting and accepting him as friend and person.

With the above premise, it means that Asirpa telling him that he’s a liar and she doesn’t know him at all is the absolute rejection of him. He just heard what everyone in the 27th said when he was bullied. And then he snaps, that’s it. He’s been rejected yet again and he then blurs Yuusaku and Asirpa where as he begins to confess to Asirpa he has another monologue and turns Yuusaku’s words against Asirpa [and Yuusaku] there as he is all but begging her to kill him. Ogata is a complete mess by this point, his emotions are all over the place, he’s not sure what he wants, he’s in pain, he’s panicked, he’s hurt, he’s confused, and it was all the result of Asirpa not trusting him. All of their bonding was for nothing, he is worthless as a person and he just gives up . . .

This all makes sense b/c for the entire series Ogata has been seeking someone to accept and love him [not romantic love, familial]. Asirpa was his first chance to maybe feel this and it turned out all wrong. Somewhere in Ogata’s mind he keeps telling himself he doesn’t deserve this because he’s broken. You can’t connect with people because there is something wrong with you. Not Sugimoto, not Kiro, not Tanigaki, not Koito but you, Ogata Hyakunosuke.

With that rejection he just gives up and is so depressed and desperate that he wants her to kill him.

By realizing that all Ogata wanted was for someone to care about him, it makes so much sense that at this point in the story he just gave up.

He’s reached rock bottom with his depression.

He feels so worthless and terrible that it just doesn’t matter anymore, he can’t see anything, he’s in shock. He’s suicidal b/c nothing matters.

More importantly, he’s exhausted himself from trying to cope all of these years and not having a healthy way to deal with his pain and emotions. Everything he has been trying to avoid has caught up to him in the worst way possible.

So returning to the original question; why did Ogata give up so easily? He lost the reason and will that he had to care to keep fighting. It all makes sense to me - when you try to use a short term coping mechanism and you carrying it far into adulthood it isn’t a matter of if will it catch up to you. It is a matter of when it will catch up to you.

#golden kamuy #gk meta #ogata hyakunosuke #chapters 185-188 #chapters 164-165 #chapter 169 #depression #rejection

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ngame989 · 6 years ago

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once I saw a speculation that when Marco and Star were dancing at the bloody moon ball Star expected to be Tom and not Marco what do you think of that? happy 2019 for you and for seddm

OK so usually I try to be nice to good faith askers, and at most I get sarcastic with my response. I’m not gonna do that here. @transparentzinewagoneclipse, I’m sorry in advance, because most of the harsh things I’m going to say aren’t directly directed at you… but in a way, they are, and I hope you can try to assess what I have to say for yourself and consider taking it to heart.

Let’s take literally 1 sentence to answer this question, starting… now. She asked “how did you know my name”, and if she was expecting Tom (or anyone specific she knew) there is NO reason for her to say that, so NO she was not expecting Tom. Solved with literally one line of surface-level analysis of the direct dialogue, no subtext or deeper looks needed.

Or if you wanted me to go further for some reason, I could quote the passage in the Book of Spells about it that implies that if she realized it was someone she know subconsciously, it was Marco.

I think I’ve already answered your questions with pleas to actually think about the random word vomit you read online, so I’ll do it again, a bit firmer, a bit meaner, a bit bolder, because these are the biggest issues that plague the fandom as a whole and make it completely pointless to try actually having fun and engaging conversations about the show with 97% of people. There are absolutely a huge amount of questions and unknowns to discuss and speculate on, and that’s all well and good, but THERE ARE ALSO A FUCKTON OF THINGS THAT ARE (AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE) COMPLETELY SOLVABLE, TOTALLY KNOWN, OR 100% INFERABLE WITH NO LEGITIMATE COUNTER TO THEIR VERACITY. If you see “speculation” about something in the show, I do not advise you to discard it entirely if you don’t agree with it or if it supports something you don’t like. That is far from the point here, and something resembling that attitude is what led a lot of Starcos to their peril before Season 3. However, all I ask is that you actually weigh these statements against the facts. In this case it didn’t even require complex media analysis of any kind: I solved this question with a cursory glance at a direct quote available to anyone with a simple wiki search. I provided additional supporting evidence, too, but even if you yourself don’t have access to the Book, you can solve the issue.

And this attitude, that EVERY bit of “speculation” uttered by anyone must be treated as valid, that NOTHING can be any more probable (or, god forbid, more certain) than anything else, is what makes this fandom intolerable for any sort of reasonable discussion. There are so many interesting topics to talk about, nuances to analyze, futures to speculate on, and no one is talking about any of it because everyone still feels that the basic facts of what happened are somehow up for debate. And I thank some of my frequent askers, particularly @starcoiskillingmebutidontcare, for actually positing a lot of interesting ideas about Season 4 for me to think about because I don’t get any of it anywhere but my immediate, very small circle of friends, because most of it is spent on this type of thing instead. Now I am not accusing you, dear asker, of being the cause of any of this, but I think you’re at the very least a victim to this mentality, unable or unwilling to actually put these basic yes-or-no questions to the test yourself. And in general I’m more than willing to tackle a lot of questions people have about this type of thing because there are a lot of elements to the show that have a generally correct answer but can always use a deeper look under the surface which most people might not do, but this specific type of question posed in this ask even being a question indicates a fundamental problem with how fans treat the show.

Open-mindedness means you are open to listening to statements and assessing their worth, not that you must treat every word that enters your brain as an equally plausible with no regard for their specific merits. I’m a scientist and this shit pisses me off outside of the fandom too. Just because your local news station put one scientist and one random guy together on a segment to debate climate change does NOT mean each side has 50% of the evidence behind it. Just because some people say vaccines are good and some people say they’re bad doesn’t mean the objective consensus on the topic is doubtful or mixed. These false dichotomies sew doubt where there shouldn’t be any and create genuinely harmful paranoia around the world. And of COURSE the topic of analyzing a princess cartoon doesn’t even begin to compare to the impact of these other things, but the same principles are at play in both cases. I would not be open-minded if I laughed at you for asking this question without giving any reason for my refutation beyond “lol no me no likey Tomstar u stoopid”, but that is not the case. I took this supposed speculation, listened to it, and analyzed it. The analysis determined that it is patently, 100%, without a doubt false, but I still gave it a fair shake. Am I perfect in this regard? No. I still feel a compulsive need to swat away a lot of things I see, and for the most part a lot of them are just repetitive word slurry that don’t need any further analysis beyond what I’ve already given it (e.g. Starco is cliche/forced) but it’s still worth my while (and yours, too) to at least do a sanity check every now and then, to make sure that you understand why the wrong things are wrong and why the right things are right.

So once again, @transparentzinewagoneclipse, I’m not going to refuse your asks or anything in the future, but I implore you to simply think, when you read or hear things online. Think, even with what I’m saying: I’d feel even worse if my words about treating what others say as neither void of knowable meaning or as unquestionable gospel were used as unquestionable gospel by their readers. I can hope to build a rock-solid enough case that even a pretty casual assessment of them is convincing for most, but that’s it. Anyway, rant over. Live long and prosper and Starco and all that jazz.

#answered #transparentzinewagoneclipse #svtfandom #analysis

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mommydragon-of-all · 6 years ago

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OC Interview Meme

This looks fun. Also some answers drastically differ depending on around what time this "interview” takes place. So i got thinking and since I was tagged by@sakurabunnie who’s getting to know my pre-inquisition Soren, i choose to time this before Inquisition. Then i was tagged by dear @hadiden-lavellan too, but by then i was halfway through his post, and hey why not, some looking back :) Thank you both!!!! :3333

For Soren (Lavellan):

1. What is your name?

“A lot of people have called me by a lot of names. You can call me Soren.”

2. What is your real name?

“It is actually Soren. Yep, just Soren. I lost my original belonging and i didnt take any of my families surnames. Not permanently nor in any way official.”

3. Do you know why you were called that?

“Oh well, my parents wanted a pair of short and strong names that ring together, even if they had to get a bit creative. Also, as i learned, a pair of names that can be lilted and growled equally well haha “

4. Are you single or taken?

“i am free like a bird. Does your nest have some extra space on a cold night by the way?”

5. Have any abilities or powers?

“Im a highly trained assassin, among … other things. If you ever get in trouble… *slides over a strange little object* flash this around the shady parts of any city. They will take care of the rest. But for your lives sake, do not try to lie”

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“ I dont think i ever used that alias… “

7. What’s your eye color?

“Oohhh you are welcome to gaze into them closer, yes ;) no low light excuses, they have their own, so just lean over… “

8. How about your hair color?

“ Oh yes that is harder to tell in different lights. Its dark red, like good wine or blood from the liver .”

9. Have you any family members?

“ I have tons. If you meant blood relation… other than my twin sister i have some distant family. Literally distant even, like few and far between, out in the world. Some of us exchange awesome birthday gifts some years though, regardless of the exact date. Who has time to time that. “

(Scattered by the wind, but firmly standing like the trees)

10. Oh? What about pets?

“ Sadly animals are deadly afraid of me. It takes just a sniff to run for dear life… Even predators… it takes a special blend of proud and crazy to befriend me it seems. I would kill for such treasures. Like that Hart i once fought for an apple in that deep forest and lately rode to far destinations… i think it starts to get even attached!!! If he sticks around im gonna call him Captain. But remember, Dont go close to him! For your dear life, please dont. He is easy to recognize. Big as a mountain and looks like “Oh, Shit”. “

(’Where to, Captain?’)

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

“ Those things are about to change. Or drop in numbers significantly in the world. Just wait. …as truly as i want to mean that, unfortunately some things never change. Like the darkness in people, festering hearts. There will always be things like betrayal, prejudice, hatred, discrimination, envy, greed, cruelty,... i could go on. People who mostly keep themselves above those shades of their nature are all worth to be protected.“

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

“ Oh there are so many awesome things in the world and so many exciting things to do! I cant even count them. Like there’s hunting dragons for one! Speaking of hunting, there is also treasure hunt and demon hunt and manhunt and wyvernhunt and countless others, the bigger and meaner the better! But then theres also MAGIC! Do you have any idea how awesome that is? Everything magic and everything it touched. Putting together and using magic objects for so many things! And spells??? Potions, lotions, weapons... And there are also PEOPLE! The most magical thing is the warm light in ones heart. And they are so various and unique! There are different languages and codes and symbols and oh the stories! And dance and music and pleasures and laughing and caring and helping and…. oh … haha… im sorry, are you awake? Please ask away. “

(’Ah, what a beautiful day!’)

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

“ I think you snoozed off and forgot about my profession already. :) “

14. Ever… killed anyone before?

“ Hahaha oh these sharp and pointy things and stuff arent for chopping and cooking vegetables either.”

15. What kind of animal are you?

“Pfffft i am my own species! Hehe! A unique hybrid i guess! But definitely a big animal, yes. Sis’ won that argument long ago, so there you have the answer. “

16. Name your worst habits.

“Hmm? What?” (*Muffs out with one of the interviewers -already leafed through-notebooks between his sharp teeth, booth on table...*) Hey! That is… how did you… *sigh*... nevermind

(exhibit 99: ‘”I’ll go straight there!”)

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“My sister, definitely. She is the best. She is indestructible in every way i swear! Gotta be the strongest person alive. She is also really cool. But hot. I mean explosive! Not that shes not hot, technically... she is my female version after all haha. And caring for me with great big sister love (*mumble*:even if i am like 5 minutes older), but dont spread that ;) Might harm her notoriety. I also look up to several of my tutors and many other people for many different reasons. People can be so many kinds of amazing.”

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“You can not expect me to label my interests in a world full of so many differently beautiful people with warm hearts.”

19. Do you go to school?

“Yes. Life. 24/7. Got less intense since i learned how to survive and sustain myself, and grew a strong body to back up my needs and will, but there are always new things to learn and lessons you never asked for too. I had some actual teachers along the way too, but lately mostly i just teach myself what i dont just encounter by diving into new things. Which is not only fun by the way, you are bound to learn a few things. Then there are books, theories, researching, digging, honing instincts and reflexes, combining and refining techniques or theories, trial and error... Life is a bottomless school “

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Wow, wow, you mean like.. babies? Sweet Fade, i wouldnt dare breathe their way, they are so fragile... little young PEOPLE, persons who arrived so recently and understand so little and cant even tell whats up just cry and i cant understand them, i understand every language but i can not understand babies for my life and ... and... thats terrifying! And do you have any idea how EASY it is to kill someone? And then there is that small bundle of vulnerability, my proximity could be lethal to it! And .... *sigh*... sorry just... It all would depend on that special person i might find who would want to keep me for life, for better or worse, and if they wanted kids... even if babies, i would be on board. I would do anything for that special someone. Even learn baby care... Bigger kids, well, i already have :D . In good care. If any of them were to be taken under my constant and indirect care, would depend on a lot of things. Right now they are much safer otherwise.”

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

“Most certainly ;D.But none of them know much about me, of course. With that comes a transformation of those feelings”

22. What are you most afraid of?

‘Im not afraid of ANYTHING!” *eyes instantly betraying* “Fine, fine, gotta be loss. Ironic, isnt it, for i have but what is on my person. Replaceable come and goes. Im mostly afraid of losses that arent even really “mine”, but others. Loved ones or even barely known ones loosing their lives or their light. Loosing my sister, myself, my heart... that is all i am. The only thing i cannot live without is my heart, i AM my heart, and loosing pieces of it or have it broken or freezing through a hole... I hate how selfish that is. But yeah. There you go. I still tend to leave pieces of it everywhere, and it only grows with that, funny how that works, but it also tends to get wounded on every turn. I fear the numbing cold. I fear the day when i cant hold it together and go on anymore.”

(from “When you are away”)

23. What do you usually wear?

“What you see is my whole wardrobe, hahah. But i shift and change to blend in from the dirt of Orzammar’s dust town to the shining halls of Orlesian palaces. Its fun. What i like to wear mostly are well covering clothes, that allow a great scale of mobility, but not baggy to catch on things. Made of high quality materials only. My clothes MUST be of great quality materials, more for comfort than durability. Heightened overall senses arent always fun. Oh and for outer wear i like leather, especially dragonskin stuff for light armor, and long boots are the only footwear i acknowledge, some with high heels, and a matching pair of long gloves from soft fine leather are necessary too. Long coats from mostly leather and all the necessary leather straps and harnesses and pouches and belt too of course. If it counts, all my current favorite necklaces with magical pendants and bracelets are a constant wear too. It also doesnt hurt if my clothes look great. But fine materials tailored to my body and my needs usually bring that effect without further touches.”

(*his gear gotta let his smooth ass move*)

24. Do you love someone?

“I love all good people. ...and some others”

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

"Bahahahhahaa now thats some blunt question! It deserves to be answered truthfully. I wish i could say when i was a baby, but truth is i think it happened a few times during the wilder rides of intense poison training with blood magic assistance, but im not really sure, i was barely conscious through those parts from pain and all kinds of nasty sensations, i came to my senses naked and tucked in after them. I never do extreme limit pushing training alone. There were also times when i was subject to some blood spells and experiments unwilling too. I have some suspicious blurry memories that i have made all sorts of messes. Egh. Lets move on to more fun questions”

26. Well, it’s not over yet!

“Perfect!”

27. What class are you? (High class, middle class, low class)

“I live outside of such systems. But i took part in every class during my life, thanks to current families or goals.”

28. How many friends do you have?

“Plenty, but one cant have too many. Helping each other goes a long way. I tend to make some friends everywhere i go, but i have few close friends. The closest one is my sis’. She knows me more than i know myself, and she is always there for me, at any cost.”

29. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Pie? One of the most fun cakes. It was invented for throwing i swear!”

30. Favourite drink?

“Hmmmm... old, red wine, hot and seasoned, spiced with a nice kick of that special antivan poison blend. I dont recommend you trying it, but you dont know what you’re missing out.”

31. What’s your favourite place?

“Wherever i am welcome.”

(*one favorite place example. It is not Where, it is Who*)

32. Are you interested in someone?

“I am interested in everyone. Are you fishing for some special interest?”

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“Hahahha oh you never disappoint! Well, it was a long time ago when i last i wore a bra, back when i could still pull off the young girl appearance, to get in paces and so on. I always made sure to have a proportional but quite evident bosom. Oh it was such fun, my long hair helped too, and i dished out that act spot on! Like that time in Val Royeaux, when the heads i turned waltzing in as part of a rich antivan court were spinning all around in frantic search in the chaos, while i walked right out as a male servant. Oh sorry, i got distracted. You also asked about my “willy” if i recall correctly. If you would like to measure it so badly we can discuss that later ;) “

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

“Hmmm.... whichever promises more sunk treasures and secrets. Some lakes hide quite the surprises let me tell you.”

(’Looks like a perfect place for some diving..’)

35. What’s your type?

“My type of what, exactly, dear? ;)”

36. Any fetishes?

“I am very flexible in many ways, let me tell you, in case you are planning to bend me to your will. And if id have some suggestions, well, let it remain a little mystery for now ;p”

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

“Depends. What would you like me to be?”

38. Camping or indoors?

“Nothing beats a warm bed and a well secured resting place. Especially with my... condition, and experiences”

39. Are you wanting the interview to end?

“Are you kidding me? You have such awkward, uncomfortable questions... Let me get a new round of drinks for us and lets do this till morning!” “What do you mean new round... when did this cup of hot wine get here? It has my name on it??? What the... I better go i think.”

40. Now it’s over!

“What? Oh come on, we just got to some really “embarrassing” parts! Talking about “embarrassing”, would you like to hear the story of my encounter with this qounari dreadnought captain and ended up on board to Ostwick? Maybe you can tell me some stories yourself too in exchange..” *puppy eyes+shining grin combo* “Well, im not exactly in a hurry...” “Excellent!” *shifts closer and pours more wine*

I tag @quizzikemen @pelle-lavellan @hadiden-lavellan @sakurabunnie @elalavella @nipuni and everyone who wants to do it! For those who already did this consider this a tag for another OC! Gotta love them all :D (if you feel like doing it. I always feel like reading it)

#finally i got around to finish this post #soren lavellan #oc meme #dragon age inquisition #dual wield assassin #male lavellan #screenshots

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cloudchaserandflitterexplain · 6 years ago

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Cloudchaser and Flitter Explain: Seaquestria and Beyond Manes

Guess what time it is!

Uhhh, what?

Guess.

Do I even get a hint?

Sure!

“Hey there everypony! Today we’ll be talking about…”

Talking about... what?

Seriously, Cici? That hint was so obvious! Ugh, do I have to do everything myself?

Wah?

Hey there everypony! Today my totally clueless friend and I will be talking about the Seaquestria and Beyond Manes!

I thought I was supposed to be guessing what time it was...

You were, but you failed, so we’re moving on now.

Wah?

So Seaquestria brought us a cycle of six new Mane Characters that are all a fair bit different from your standard Manes.

Instead if trying to fulfil a specific flip condition like most Manes in the past, they all let you pay 2 during your Mane Phase to just flip them over.

Which is pretty easy! This’ll let you flip turn 1 guaranteed, if you want to.

So, uh, we’re doing the thing now?

Yes, Cici. We’re doing the thing now. Try to keep up.

Sorry…

Now you might be thinking paying 2 to flip your Mane is the best flip condition ever—

Aside from Vinyl’s absolutely busted one…

—but there are trade offs. Namely, the entire cycle of Manes has no ability on their boosted side. None at all!

But that’s okay, as they all do something neat as a part of boosting them. So it’s not like they do nothing but provide colour requirement. It’s just a small one time thing, like a strong event that just also happens to boost your Mane!

Which is a pretty interesting concept. This makes them all stronger early game than most Manes, but weaker mid to late game since all they’re providing at that point is power.

But considering how many decks want their Mane boosted ASAP, this winds up being an okay tradeoff a lot of the time. Though some manes pull this off better than others.

And we’ll be going through all six of them today to give you an idea of what kind of decks would want to use each of these Manes!

Ready, Cici?

Sure.

Let’s start off with Captain Celano: Swashbuckler. Who is… interesting, to say the least. She’s not the first Mane to have points built in to her flip condition, but she’s definitely the easiest one to use at the moment.

Of course since the Seaquestria Manes all have no abilities while boosted, all you get out of her is two points. Which isn’t all that great, aside from being able to jump up to 3 AT a turn instantly. But so does your opponent, so that’s not always a great tradeoff.

Despite this, though, some ponies have actually had decent success with her. Specifically as a combo Mane.

By using Tempest Shadow: Easy as Pie, you can reset her to let you score 2 points again. Thus allowing you to score the majority of your points without ever needing to move to a problem.

But if you don’t see Tempest you’re in a bad position…

But when it works, it’s not too bad. Not the best Blue Mane in my opinion, but she’s workable. Especially in Core.

Celeano prefers aggro and combo strategies, though definitely the latter more than the former.

If going the aggro route, you might want to consider running more three or 4 cost friends since you’ll have more AT to work with sooner. So you don’t need to worry as much about your early game!

And if going the combo route, well, you obviously want to build the whole deck around her with loads of support cards.

Cerberus: Tartarus Guard, Discord: Captain Wuzz and so on can let you uncover Tempest more than once, which can get you lots of resets with Celano, letting you score tons and tons of points!

Whichever way you go she’s pretty fun! Afterall, everypony loves scoring points, right?

Next on the list would be Grubber: Royal Announcer.

Who, uh… is interesting, I guess. Exhausting all opposing characters and keeping them exhausted on the opponent’s next turn means they probably can’t confront problems that turn.

When timed right, that’s actually pretty potent.

The problem is, it’s not always easy to get that timing right since you’ll frequently want to flip these Manes early for their req. But Grubber’s ability really wants you to wait until mid to late game to Flip and that can really hurt your power requirements.

Which ultimately means you need to build your deck around the fact that you’re likely to just not flip him early, which kind of negates the point of having such an easy to flip Mane.

But he’s not awful. Just a bit lackluster.

Oh, and before you ask, no, you can’t infinite combo with him, Easy as Pie, and Monstrous Manual. Since Grubber only double exhausts characters he exhausted. So if they’re already exhausted, nothing happens. So at best, you’re just locking them out of every other turn.

Which, admittedly, isn’t awful. Hrm. There may still be a deck there…

Grubber prefers a control strategy, though you could also go for aggro too. Timing his flip just right can let you DFO without fear of the opponent counter DFOing.

Like Cici said, you’re probably going to want to include some ways to get to more Orange power without relying on flipping your Mane. So 1 req Orange cards, or cards like the Premier-block Fixers can help a lot here! Or even Kevin.

You may also want to include cards that keep characters exhausted longer like Bessie or Jailbreak! Or be even meaner and use Vinyl: Breakdown!

Now go out there and wear ponies out by shouting at them!

Shouting?

Well he’s an announcer. How else would he exhaust ponies?

Uhhh….

Yeah, I’ve got no idea.

Fear the mighty shouting powers of Grubber!

Next up is Princess Skystar: Out of Her Shell!

My personal favourite of the Manes from this set.

Which is saying something since CIci usually picks the Blue Mane as her favourite!

Hey!

...I don’t always, pick the Blue Mane, do I?

No, not always.

In Defenders, you said you didn’t want anything to do with any of the Manes!

Well it’s not my point they’re all bad!

Er, where were we again?

Skystar!

Oh, right. Thanks.

So Skystar looks pretty average on the surface. All you get is two 2 power friends. That’s not all that much, right?

Well, actually, it’s a lot. A whole lot.

Pink is a colour that loves having lots of friends. whether it’s for effects like Pinkie Pie: Holiday Spirit or just retiring them to stuff like Belly Flop, Pink always wants Friends. So getting two Friends for free just by flipping your Mane is a great way to jumpstart any strategy that wants lots of Friends.

And of course, you’re jumping from 1 Pink Power to 7. And since the most you’ll ever need for any card is 6, that’s enough req to play any Pink card you want right out the gate.

Assuming you have the AT, of course.

But we’re only scratching the surface here. One of Skystar’s other strengths is the ability to confront turn 1 guaranteed! If your starting problem needs 4 or less wild power to confront, you can flip your Mane and confront with Seashells easily.

And if the opponent’s is 4 or less Wild and yours is 3 or less, well, you can DFO almost guaranteed turn 2 as well. That’s real strong. Especially If the opponent’s problem was Trading Traditions and they haven’t yet played a friend of their secondary colour yet.

Playing aggro has never been easier!

Of course, this is mostly in Core. While all this does apply to Harmony, of course, she’s got pretty steep competition in the form of Vinyl. Some Pink decks may choose to run Skystar over Vinyl, but in general Vinyl’s typically going to be the better choice.

But even still, Skystar is a fantastic Mane and I absolutely love playing with her.

Skystar definitely prefers an aggro strategy, but she’s perfectly suited for Control as well.

Just a slightly faster control than most people are used to. One that actually tries confronting problems early, hehe.

Like Cici said, you’re going to want to maximize ways to use your Seashells! So cards that count the number of characters you have, like Changeling CItizens, work well, as do cards that retire Friends for benefit, like Braeburn: Two Left Hooves.

And of course you’ll want to heavily consider running Concerning Cutie Mark or Searching High and Low as your starting problem.

Cici says I’m wrong, but I prefer Searching High and Low. Because if my opponent is also running that problem, I can DFO turn 1!

Yeah, but if you go second and your opponent is also running Searching High and Low, they get to DFO turn 1 and you get nothing.

I’ll take those chances!

Yeah… I don’t know why I thought that would dissuade you.

You can pick other problems of course, but those two are the most fun, if you ask me.

And that’s basically it for Skystar! So grab two Seashell Tokens and go crazy!

Next up would be Tempest Shadow: Storm Commander. And I am so sick of seeing her.

Isn’t Skystar more popular right now?

Er, well, yes. But Tempest, uh…

You just hate having the best card in your hand discarded turn 1, aren’t you?

Maybe…

But, really, who isn’t? And it’s practically guaranteed! Unless they have all 3 Grubber: Minions in their opening hand, at which point that just means they’ll play two and you’re discarding 2 cards instead, just delayed a turn. It’s annoying!

I think you’re being a little harsh there, Cloudchaser.

I’m really not.

Though Tempest does have a kind of interesting effect on the meta. Her ability to find a troublemaker and put it into play turn 1, while simultaneously giving you 3 Purple power in your Mane, has changed Control’s early game significantly. Most notably, it’s sped it up.

Oh, sure, you still get some really slow control decks, and some of them are still pretty good, but they seem to be a lot less popular than the medium speed ones now. And Tempest is at the forefront of most medium speed decks.

Mostly because the ability to put a Troublemaker into play ASAP is really good.

Especially if that Troublemaker is Grubber.

Yes, especially if that troublemaker is Grubber. Unsurprisingly, discarding the opponent’s entry can have massive effects. Though sometimes, you just aim for the best card in their hand instead.

And on top of that, you have access to 3 Purple immediately, which is very relevant for a lot of control decks. Several control staples like Princess Twilight Sparkle: Cover to Cover and Interdimensional Portal are available to you immediately. And there’s not much the opponent can do about it.

It can really speed up control’s game, especially since Princess Twilight Sparkle: Ambassador of Friendship isn’t nearly as easy to flip. At least not in Core.

The result is that, well, Tempest is everywhere. Not as everywhere as Skystar, but still pretty everywhere. And more ponies are playing control than ever before.

Not a good time to be an aggro player like me…

Awwww, Cici.

But I won’t give up.

I’ll find a way to get past them and bring aggro back to the limelight where it belongs!

All right Cici!

So like CIci said, Tempest is mainly a control Mane, though like all of these Manes you technically can use her for other archetypes as well.

But her most common playstyle is definitely control, by far.

In addition to the cards Cici mentioned, which are all good choices, you might want to include other troublemakers that have strong effects early, like Starlight Glimmer: Enforced Equality, or Yelow Parasprite. And probably some cards to protect your troublemakers like Sweep Sweep Sweep.

Oh, and you might want to consider a strong starting problem like Trading Traditions or Ancient Research since having an early Troublemaker means it’s more likely to stay in play for a while making since it’s harder for the opponent to DFO.

Sounds fantastic!

I’ll say. Tempests that start with trading traditions guaranteeing their second colour and dropping a Grubbr denying your second colour are frustrating.

But, well, I’m learning to play around that. There are definitely ways.

For sure!

But yeah, Tempest is the real deal. Don’t expect her to go away any time soon.

Moving on from Darkness and brooding, let’s move on to cunning and elegance with Capper Dapperpaws: Charmer.

Capper is, uh…

Interesting.

You know, you called Celeano and Grubber “interesting” too.

Well, they are. But in a very different way, I guess. I at least know where to start those two. But with Capper...

Honestly, I’m kind of at a loss for what to say.

These Manes want you to flip them early to get their power, but flipping Capper early is just so much wasted potential as you’re missing out on returning up to 5 cards from your discard pile. That’s quite the perplexing conundrum.

Catastrophic, you might say.

I would?

Uhh…

Nevermind.

Anyway…

The other interesting thing about Capper is he specifically looks for even powered cards. So you’re going to want to use as few odd powered cards as possible.

Which includes 0, according to the rules.

The rules spell that out? I thought it was obvious

Well, apparently not everypony does.

So it’s nice to have the clarification!

I guess.

Anyway, while there are a lot of good even powered cards, restricting yourself to only even cards means you’re missing out on a lot of good options.

But there’s good news! You don’t have to run only even cards.

It’s not like Capper forbids it, he just encourages choosing as many even cards as possible. Even if that’s not all of your cards.

Let’s assume for a moment you’re running a 45 card deck and 10 of those cards have odd power. There’s only a 6.47% chance you’ll reveal 3 or more odd powered cards. And only about 30% chance you’ll reveal 2 or more.

Those are pretty good odds to get back a bunch of your best cards! Even if you’re not getting a full 5.

Hooray for math!

So, really, there’s a chance Capper’ll be good someday. As getting cards back from your discard is really good.

It’s just no pony has been able to find a really strong deck with him yet. He’s kind of a tough nut to crack.

But hey, maybe you’ll be the first.

Heh, maybe.

Capper prefers a control playstyle, but can definitely play aggro as well. His best friend in the form of a Troublemaker, like many of these Manes, is absolutely Tempest Shadow: Easy as Pie.

You’ll want to run a bunch of cards that’ll wind up in the discard pile too. Events are the easy choice, but things that retire themselves, like Rarity: Pony Pirate or Local Fashion are good choices too.

Both of which, coincidentally enough, have even power!

Of course, the hard part is getting lots of White power on the field without flipping Capper. And while Staff of Sacanas is a good option for that, it’s unfortunately odd power.

But don’t worry, White has lots of good entry options that you might be fine with using anyway! Rarity: Generous Pony, Dance Fever: Dancing Machine, Sweetie Belle: Forsooth and Anon, all great options!

And you can always run Kevin or similar cards too! It’s just a matter of finding what’s best for your deck!

But the most fun trick is definitely of using Infilitrating the Hive as your starting problem. Discard 2 cards to make a friend in your secondary colour, then flip Capper to get them right back!

Probably.

It’s not as strong as starting with Trading Traditions and a Mane that gives you immediate benefit…

But it’s not bad, I guess.

And that’s Capper! Now you can be as smooth as him!

Which leaves us with Queen Novo: Sea Sovereign.

Who, all things considered, honestly isn’t that bad.

She’s not great, but she’s not bad either.

Moving all of your characters at home for 2 AT is pretty massive, considering you normally can only move one for that amount. That means each additional character you move is basically free. Plus you get around Showy.

The downside is that, well, you need to have friends at home for this to matter. And you don’t start the game with Friends at home, just Novo. Which means if you want her power early, you’re basically wasting her very powerful ability. And that hurts.

This is the same problem Grubber and Capper have, really, but it just feels much more pronounced with Novo.

But! If you can make good use of her ability, you’re all but guaranteed to DFO, and probably win it too.

So the trick is in trying to make a deck that can use her ability but doesn’t require her to flip too early. Which isn’t easy. But if you can pull it off? Well, she can definitely lead to some powerful turns.

Novo is basically all about aggro! And more importantly, she wants cards to stick to problems.

Cards like Princess Celestia: Day Shift or Pinkie Pie: One Filly Party can really help here, as they keep friends at problems for you. And this way you can use Novo herself as a backup plan in case you need even more characters at problems.

And don’t forget to include some Tempest Shadow: Easy as Pies. Aggro doesn’t normally like Troublemakers, but this one’s just perfect for Novo!

Another route you could go is to increase your home limit, so you can move even more characters. Fluttershy: Safe Haven and Zipporwhill: Pet Collector are great ways to do this.

Or you could even try running Canterlot Citizens: Pony Populace who don’t even count towards your home limit in the first place! Especially handy since Novo’s unboosted side only has a home limit of 3, after all.

Other than that, basically anything aggro will help you out! Go nuts!

And more importantly, go fast!

Heh, don’t need to tell me twice.

And that’s all the Seaquestria Manes!

They’re a bit of a mixed bag, but overall I think I like them.

I just wish more of them were a bit better…

Maybe next set will improve on some of them.

Heh, maybe. I’m not counting on it, though.

They’re kind of specific in how you use them. Though I suppose with as complex as Capper is…

Well, maybe.

So, did you figure out what time it was since I asked you at the beginning?

Of course I did. I’m not that clueless.

Yes you are.

Hey!

But that’s besides the point. What time was it?

It’s Time to be Awesome!

You know what? I’ll take it. That was a good call back.

Thanks.

Well, that’s it for now, everypony! Until next time!

Later.

#cloudchaser and flitter explain #cloudchaser #flitter #mlp:fim #mlpccg

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ellana-ravenwood · 7 years ago

Text

Death, Amnesia and 4 coffees Please - Batmom x Batfam

Just a random idea I got while walking hope from work. Hope you’ll like it, as usual, feedbacks are very welcomed.

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

________________________________________________

3 months.

3 months already since she died...

Jason, just like Alfred, his brothers, and his father just couldn't get over it.

He just couldn’t move on with his life without his mother. Without the woman that always stood by him no matter what, even in the worst of moments.

He was so damn angry at himself that he wasn’t able to save you ! All of them were, the guilt eating them more and more every day...Even though they all knew things went too fast.

You weren't the only one that died that day...Thousands lost their life in the almost total destruction of the neighborhood you were born in : The Narrows.

It was the poorest in Gotham, and you were helping out a charity there when the Batman failed big time, for the first time in his career.

Ha hadn’t been able to solve the Riddler’s riddle. And for the first time in his life, Edward Nigma was finally able to fulfill one of his evil plans..Which was the destruction of every single neighborhood of Gotham, one for each riddle the Dark Knight wouldn’t be able to solve.

And of course, the only one he didn’t find, was the one associated with the only place in Gotham you were in...You, and thousands of other people died. And it was all Batman’s fault. No matter that he was able to save the rest of the inhabitants, the blood of those people were on his hands...

Your blood was on his hands. And, just like Alfred and his sons, he just couldn’t get over your death. They all felt so guilty and angry at themselves that they couldn’t save you...you were always there for them, always by their side, having their back and...they let you down.

Of course they send you messages telling you to leave Gotham but..You wouldn’t. You stayed because you wanted to help people. According to witnesses, to people who were survivors of the blast, who barely escaped it...the last time they all so you, you were trying to get some kids to safety.

But no matter how guilty they felt, how devastated they were, it wouldn’t change anything. You were gone. Forever. And once again, Jason Todd found himself wandering the street of Gotham aimlessly, trying to run away from his dark thoughts, trying to grieve you, even though he knew it was actually impossible to ever move from you.

Staying at the Manor with his brothers and father was...unbearable.

Alfred kept cleaning the house over and over again, never taking a break, and worst of all...avoiding everything you touched last. Your half finished cup of tea in the library. The books you left open. Your dinner plate still in the sink. Some of your shoes thrown haphazardly in the living room. Your towels in the bathroom. Your jewelry on the kitchen counter, that you left there because you didn't want to wear anything that’d make people from the Narrows feel uncomfortable around you. Your favorite blanket, still on the floor where you left it, as you realized you were going to be late to the charity event and napping in the couch was now over...Alfred cleaned everything, but avoided touching any of your stuffs. And it was unbearable.

Dick...Oh it was one of the worst. Jason was used to be the broody and overly-cynical one. Him and his father competed constantly about which one was the broodiest and Dick would just laugh at them and make silly jokes. Jason used to be like that too, making jokes and even able to make the Batman crack a smile...but ever since he came back to life, he lost that. He became darker and meaner. And Dick was kind of his solace, with his cheerful persona and positive attitude. The oldest Wayne boys always been everyone’s beacon of light in the darkest of moments. But your death...your death turned him into a zombie that spend his days looking out of a window, or staring at old pictures of you and him, stuck in memories of you, unable to see his own light...And it was unbearable.

The only person that could really convince Tim to sleep, to not drink too much coffee, to take care of himself and to socialize was you. A word from you and he’d realize that yes, this was too much and he needed to chill, to go see his friends, to relax...But without you ? Alfred tried, oh he really did try but...Tim wouldn’t listen. You really were the only one to convince him, and he would forever associate all the good things he experienced in life (time with his friends and family, relaxed moment in front of the TV, good nights of sleep etc etc...), with you. Without you ? He just couldn’t...And seeing his little brother destroy himself like so was unbearable to Jason.

Damian didn’t utter a word since your death. Not even a sound. Him who usually always talked too damn much, and was just so annoying...Nothing. He didn’t brag about anything, he didn’t try to be better than anyone else anymore. He was just...apathetic. He wouldn’t say anything, not even to Dick. He wouldn’t even look at them in the eyes. He spends most of his time in front of your tomb, where he did talk to you. But to others ? No. It’s like he had made a vow of silence and this ? It was unbearable.

Bruce spend all his time working to avoid thinking about your absence but...Whenever he thought he was alone, whenever he came back to your shared bedroom, half-expecting still to find you there...They could all hear him cry. They could hear him mourn you, inconsolable. And the thought of his father, that he always viewed as invincible, destroyed by you not being there anymore was unbearable. Bruce wasn’t fine, inconsolable. He would forever be inconsolable, he lost the love of his life 3 months ago...

3 months...It had already been 3 months since They all lost their beloved mother, wife, surrogate daughter and...Jason just couldn’t bear to stay at home, with his family that constantly reminded him of your death.

And so as every day since the day you were taken from them...he went for a walk in Gotham’s street, trying to run away from his memories of you and...no. It couldn’t be.

His brain was playing some mean tricks on him. It wasn’t her. Just someone that looked a lot like her.

You were dead. This couldn’t be you standing in that coffee shop, filling people’s cup...it couldn’t be you...

Without even thinking about it, he enters the small coffee shop and go sit in a booth, staring at you the entire time. You don’t notice him, focused on your work, trying not to spill their drinks on people...And it can’t be you. It’s impossible. You’re dead.

But when your clumsiness do spill some coffee on someone, and you say :

-Oh my god I’m so sorry it’s my first day and I keep doing stupid things I’m sorry !

It’s your voice. He would recognize it anywhere. It’s your voice...

It is you.

But Jason resist the urge to jump on his feet and hug you because...Visibly, something is wrong. Why didn’t you talk to him ? Maybe you didn’t notice him yet ? And...why are you here ? Have you been here those past three months ? Why didn’t you come home...?

The answers come before Jason can really ponder anything, and his suspicions are confirmed : you’re amnesiac.

The man you spilled coffee on says :

-Oh it’s alright darling, I know first days are difficult and...I also know what happened to you. Robert told us. We’re regular.

-Oh...oh thank you very much sir.

-It’s all good, I hope you’re recovering well ?

-Yes I am thank you.

-You still...you still don’t remember anything ?

-Hum...No...NO I don’t.

-Oh well it’ll come back to ya !

-I surely hope so...

Jason freezes. Yes. Amnesiac. You don’t remember any of them. Listening in on the conversation, he understands that that “Robert” is the owner of the coffee shop and is the one that found you, half-dead, near the border of the Narrows. You were one of those people that miraculously survived, and apparently, in the process, even saved dozens of kids. They’re the one that called for help...You stayed almost three months in the hospital, and finally got out, and “Robert” gave you a job.

As you come toward his booth, the son you have no memory of freaks out. He can’t act as if he doesn’t know you, he can’t resist taking you in his arms and...he gotta get out of here.

He has to go back to the manor and talk to his family. They have to know you’re still alive ! And he can’t face you right now...As you approach him, with a smile that haunted him those past three months, he stands up hurriedly and runs out of the coffee shop, under your very confused gaze.

Who was that crazy boy ? He kinda seemed familiar...

************

He finds Damian first, as he finally arrives to the Manor. He doesn't know why he ran there, why he didn’t take a car or whatever...too excited probably.

He finds Damian where your tomb his...an empty tomb. When Jason arrives the boy stops talking about whatever he was telling “you” and...For the first time in three months, Damian has feelings going through his face.

Curiosity is the biggest of them all. Because why is his brother so out of breath and so...happy ? He quickly learns the reason, and both your sons fall in each other’s embrace before running excitedly to the Manor.

They burst into the living room, where Tim is on his computer, earphones plugged in, and Alfred cleans once more, avoiding your stuffs.

Dick is looking at them. He saw them, as he was looking out the window. He saw them hugging and smiling as they ran back to the house. And he was intrigued.

It’s all a blur at first, Damian and Jason talking at the same times. Then suspicion installs itself : “it’s not funny guys...” until he realizes, around the same time Alfred realizes that...They’re not lying. They’re not joking. They’re dead serious and you’re...Alive.

And happiness is all they feel. Relief. And they’re now all rushing towards the room you used to share with Bruce, the room you’ll share again with him !

************

It’s as if life is injected in him again. Colors come back to his face, his heart beats once again, he stands up straight, and strong on his feet, not weak as he was those past three months and...yes.

The news of you being alive brings life back in Bruce Wayne again.

When they arrived in his bedroom, they found him curled up in bed, clutching one of your gown close to him, to smell you and...he barely registered their presence, even when as they almost destroyed his door when they came in all at once. But when he heard your name, his attention was on them.

And when he understood what was happening, the chance life was giving him...His smile made all of their hearts skip a beat. Bruce was smiling again...

But when he collapses on the floor, when he faints, the light heart his sons had fills with worries...until they realize he’s fine. The emotions he felt all at once at the news of your survival was just too much.

************

Alfred, as usual, was the voice of reason.

They wanted to rush to the coffee shop to talk to you, to hug and kiss you but...The butler pointed out that it was probably a bad idea.

You didn’t remember a thing of your past life. You would either freak out, be traumatized by all this, or call the police on their crazy ass...

And he’s right. Of course he is, as you said more than once : “Alfred is always right, even when he’s wrong”. They decide to take the night to try and recollect themselves. To calm down. And they’ll go to the coffee shop the next day.

That night, none of them can sleep.

Alfred’s old heart is so close from a heart attack, as he just feels so happy. You, (Y/N) Wayne, the one he came to call “my daughter”, are alive. You’re still of this world. You don’t remember yes but...There’s hope. And in those past three months, all hope was gone so...Yes. Alfred Pennyworth is just beyond happy.

Dick laughed all night, giggling to himself like an idiot, remembering all the good times he had with you, from the moment he first step foot in the intimidating Wayne Manor, to your “death”. All those times you comforted him, hugged him, made stupid jokes that he was the only one to laugh at. Remembering all your silliness made him chuckle like a crazy person all night, laying in his bed.

Tim is actually the only one that slept. You were alive, he had no reason to destroy himself anymore, and when he’d see you again tomorrow, he wanted to be fully conscious of what was going to happen. So he slept, of an uninterrupted and well deserved sleep.

Damian sung. He was singing in Arabian and it just sounded like the most wonderful and cheerful song ever. All of them heard him (hell it even lulled Tim to sleep) and din’t tell him anything because...oh they never thought they’d ever say that but : damn they missed the sound of that boy’s voice.

Jason finally stayed at home. For the first time in three months the place was bearable again. He stayed at home and smiled all night.

Bruce...Oh Bruce kept glancing at where you’d usually sleep, his heart overwhelmed by the fact that you might come back to him, that he’ll feel your body under his again, that he’ll be able to caress and kiss your skin and...He just wanted you next to him again. Falling asleep without you was nearly impossible...He kept glancing at where you’d usually sleep, heart singing at the mere thought of you being back at his side.

************

Alfred was right. This night of thinking was well needed.

When Bruce put on some clothes, finally shaved and even put a bit of cologne on him, he was still pondering what that night spurred into his mind.

And when he explains his point of view to his sons, at breakfast, they agree.

Yes. Yes it is the best thing to do.

They will go to the coffee shop today, and observe your life. See if you’re happy like that. See how things go for you. Because, and as much as it breaks their heart...If you’re genuinely happy, they won’t try to help you regain your memory. They won’t try to get you back.

They all came to the same conclusion. A life without them would be safer for you and, if you’re happy without them, then you deserve to have a normal life. A life where you wouldn’t be constantly worried by them, where you wouldn’t have to fix them, both emotionally and physically.

A life where you wouldn’t have to spend nights awake, waiting for their returns patiently and full of worries..A life where they wouldn’t be asses to you, and where you wouldn’t have to constantly cheer them up, support them etc etc...

A life where they wouldn't be your crutches anymore.

They know it’s the right thing to do. And before going to the coffee shop,they’re promising each others that...if you’re happy, they’ll leave you be.

The thought of you safe and sound, alive, was enough. And if your happiness meant they wouldn’t see you anymore...or rather, they wouldn’t be your sons, your husband or surrogate father anymore. Then so be it.

You were the most important thing in their lives, and they just couldn’t ruin yours for selfish reasons.

They made a promise, and they would keep it.

If you were happy...Then they’d be out of your life for good.

************

It’s extremely weird.

To see you going around, being a waitress, and not being able to talk or touch you.

Bruce finds the latter part especially difficult. He’s so used to have you close to him whenever you’re both in the same room, so used to disgust his sons whenever you and him are together...

It has been decided that they’d just come to observe your life, and it’s just too weird.

When you came over to take their order, Damian almost called you “mom”, but caught himself last minute : “I’d have a mint tea please mo...am. M’am”. And the smile you gave him hurt his heart, he hoped to god that you were unhappy right now, because he needed you.

He knew it was selfish, but he needed you in his life. His mom.

************

Over the week, they came back and basically stalked you and...to their great pain, you seemed happy. You had a cute apartment, you lived decently, you had new friends you were going out with (it wasn’t usually your thing, going out...Oh but if they really took more noticed, if they weren’t so saddened that you seemed happy, they’d realize that whenever you were going out, there was always a moment where they could read on your face “what am I doing there ? I don’t even like going out”...they would have realized that it still wasn’t your thing, but you still went out in hope to find yourself. Maybe you used to go out a lot ? ...). You seemed happy...

You talk to them every day, and once again, blinded by their want for you to come back they fail to notice that...you stay with them more than with any other clients.

Bruce doesn’t see the glances you give him whenever he’s around and damn he’s the most handsome man you ever met...and sweet too. The way he treats his sons is just too cute...You wished you had a family like that.

At this thought, you almost broke down...What if you did have a family ? You might never know...Did they think you were dead ? Or were they dead in the Narrows incident ? You might never know...

Bruce had to resist the urge to stand up and go comfort you when he saw tears welling up in your eyes, and when you left for the back of the coffee shop...He did stand up but...There was a guys there, holding you in his arms just like Bruce used to, comforting you.

Robert, he assumed. The man who saved you...

************

Bruce is pretty sure he heard his heart crack as he witnesses that “Robert”, one day as they all come yet again to the coffee shop, kissing you. And...you kiss back ?

Yes. You’re kissing back. And Bruce leaves, heart broken, followed by very worried boys, before he can see you pull away. Pushing Robert away. Because...something wasn’t right.

And it’s so frustrating. It’s so frustrating to feel like a memory is there, right there but...you just can’t remember it ! It doesn’t want to come but the one thing you’re sure of is...Kissing Robert is wrong.

Which makes you feel like...were there someone else before him ? Someone important to you ? You’re sure that, yes. There was. And you can almost see him but...he evades you every time. You’re sure it’s not Robert though and...oh but that man is so sweet.

He understands. And you feel so guilty because he saved your life, gave you a job and took care of you when no one would but..You can’t help but think that’s not your life. You’re not made to be with a “Robert”, with a coffee shop owner. You’re not made to go out with friends...You’re not made for this life.

But your real life, the one you don’t remember...it seems like it doesn’t want to be remembered. And...You were pretty sure you saw that handsome single father coming in, where was he ? Did he already leave ? Too bad, seeing him always cheered you up...

************

You were happy.

That’s what they gathered from their observation of you, after two weeks.

You were happy, and they had to let you go.

You even had a boyfriend and..They had to admit your new life just seemed safer. And...you were happy. Genuinely happy.

All of those doubts you felt about the life you were living right now, how you pushed away Robert and all...they didn’t notice this.

For them. You were happy. And they made a promise...They’d leave you alone.

But...They couldn’t let you go just like that. They decided to come see you one last time at the coffee shop. To say goodbye. Only, they wouldn’t really be able to say goodbye...

************

-Oh hey you guys ! I thought I saw you yesterday but when I turned around you were gone !

Yes. They were gone. Because you were kissing your boyfriend, and Bruce couldn’t handle this...shoving the thought aside, trying to ignore it as best he could as he would do with everything making him sad, he smiles to you and says :

-Yes we were here, but we had an emergency and had to go home.

This was the perfect occasion...Yes, the perfect one ! The one to finally ask what you’d been wondering since you first saw him :

-An emergency with your wife ?

It makes him flinch, and you immediately regret it. This was too forward, and the face he makes is so...sad ? Pained ? And his boys are looking down and...oh god...

-My wife she...hum...She’s gone. Unfortunately not with us anymore.

Yes. You messed up again. You couldn’t help but notice that, even though you didn’t remember a thing,you were sure that this kind of situation happened to you often. You felt like you were the kind of person to speak her mind and it got you in troubles more than once...You apologize, and Bruce waves it off. It’s alright.

You still feel guilty. Even more so because now that you know he’s a widower, you feel like you have no chance with him. It’s the kind of instances where he’ll never forget her and you’ll never be good enough to be like her...You sigh in your mind, and fake smile back to him.

You still find him extremely attractive though. Both physically and mentally, which is silly because you barely know him...you don’t even know his name ! But...there’s something about him that attracts you and you totally have a thing for older men with issues...You totally have a thing for older men with issues ? This came to your head as an ultimate truth.

Hey. HEY ! It’s a memory ! A remnant of your past ! Yes, you always had a thing for older men with issues ! You’re so excited to finally remember something that you don’t even hear the question one of the boy ask.

It’s the youngest, and he asks you, full of hope (why full of hope ?) if you remember anything about your past life.

You smile weakly at him and says :

-I almost remember things. I have flashes, but I just can’t see anyone’s faces and things are blurry. I remember...small stuffs. Like, a day playing in the snow with a boy. But I don’t know if it’s a memory of my childhood, if it’s my neighbor, my nephew my...my son. I don’t know. All I remember is that we fight in the snow, and that he calls me “Ummi”...I don’t even know if that’s my real name or whatever !

You don’t notice the youngest boy stiffening. It’s...it’s a memory with him ! Damian’s heart beats faster...You keep going on and...you talk about things that happened with each of them ! You talk about things that happened, but you don’t quite remember !

But they don’t expect much from it. They promised they would leave you alone because you were happy, they promised...It doesn’t matter if you almost remember them, because you just won’t fully remember them. It hurt, but it’s better like that. They have to let you go.

They don’t notice the sudden nostalgia and sadness in your eyes, and because you don’t know them much (or so you think), you don’t dare telling them how you wished you remember your past life because you feel so out of place in this one.

************

You talk for a long time with them, but the time to close the shop arrives.

Robert comes, and Bruce stiffens.

He knows it’s not that man’s fault but...oh he wants to punch him. But he cannot. Because it is not his fault, and because you love him now but...is that another woman at his arm ? How dare he cheat on you already !

You tell “Robert” a “see you later” and he leaves with that woman and Bruce turns to you, unable to stop his question :

-Isn’t he your boyfriend ?

-Who ? Robert ? Oh no. We tried but it...it just didn’t feel right.

-...Feel right ?

-Yes I...I mean...it’s silly I barely know you but...I just feel like there’s someone else somewhere, and I just...Couldn’t.

-It’s not silly, it’s...kinda cute.

-Oh but you’re the cute one haha, and I don’t even know your name ! I mean, you don’t have to tell me of course.

He smiles at you and his smile is just the most beautiful you’ve seen and...something in your head starts to tick ?

-My name isn’t really important, what counts is what is in my heart.

Those words...it’s as if you heard them before. He misinterpret your face, thinking you must think he’s an idiot while you’re just confused cause you once again almost remember something, and he adds :

-My wife used to always say that. You see, I’m...I’m somewhat famous in town and, she used to say it didn’t matter. That my name...

-...Wasn’t you. Your name isn’t you. What is you is what’s in your heart, what you’re doing. Your name doesn’t define you, your actions do...

You finish, and Bruce’s heart stop. His sons’ too. Did you...did you...

-I’m so sorry. I feel like I heard this before haha, probably in a TV show or something !

No. You didn’t remember. It was just...A passing thought. Bruce smile sadly, and his sadness make you want to irrational comfort him. You don’t know the guy for god’s sake, why do you feel so connected to him ?!

-It’s ok don’t worry. Anyway we should get going, you’re about to close.

-Hum...yes, yes. Right. See you tomorrow ?

-No. No we’re not coming back we’re..hum, moving. Away.

-Oh...

The disappointment in your voice goes straight to Bruce’s heart, but he knows he can’t do anything about it. It wouldn’t be right to keep interfering in this good life you have. In your second chance at living normally...

-Well, I hope everything will be alright for you !

-You too hum...I still don’t know your name but, since it’s not important. Just, you too. Take care.

-Oh don’t worry, I always have a plan ready for every scenario, I’ll take care !

He smiles once more at you and...

-Wait...Someone...Someone I knew used to say that all the time...Someone I...Someone I think I loved ? Sometime that was dear to my heart...someone...someone...

They hold their breath. Could it be that ? Your face snaps back up and you delve your (Y/C) eyes in Bruce’s piercing blue ones and... :

- Oh my god. Bruce ?

Yes. Yes it’s him. And it’s you. And...Everything surge to you all of a sudden and you feel overwhelmed and...you fall in his arms. And he catches you. Like he caught you a thousand times. You remember. You remember him. And them. Your boys. Your sweet boys. Your hand find theirs and...

-My boys...my lovely babies...And Bruce...My Broosh...my heart...

-My love.

-Mom.

FIN.

_________________

THIS IS SO BAD AND MESSY !! I feel it doesn’t make sense ? uh...Lately, I’ve been feeling like everything I write is bad, and yet I still post things and...I’m just sorry for all the self-doubts. I know it’s annoying. But like, why everything I write is so terrible ? Thanks for all your support though <3 (walking paradox once again). Written in twenty minutes and I probably should have taken more time to...

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listing-to-port · 8 years ago

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Six hashtags that escaped from the internet, and what became of them next

1. The hashtag is a curious beast. Although from above it may look like an arachnid, the front two legs are in fact antennae - in reality it has only six legs and is technically an insect. Of course, since so few insects have made the leap to the digital domain, it is not usually recognised as one. That is why it has been so successful at infesting major websites such as Twitter and Tumblr. It is likely that they first entered the internet in the mid-1990s by crawling down phone lines, probably in the vicinity of their original home in Patagonia. In those days they came and went freely. I myself recall one evening, browsing by limpid candlelight in the darkened webarium and coming upon a cluster of them, newly-hatched and pewling. Having a rudimentary interest in electroentomology, I realised that they were unlikely to survive outside their natural habitat. I spent some time feeding them into the local rotary telegraph myself in the hope of preserving their existence. So some of it may be my fault. I am terribly sorry.

2. Around the early 2000s, I hear, there was a hashtag that was knocked loose from some kind of bulleted list when it was involved in a standoff with another, meaner list which had bigger bullets. It got caught in a dropped packet and fell to the bottom of the internet, from which it was able to wriggle into the drains and get out. This hashtag was quite successful. It hired itself out as a footstool to ant royalty, becoming eventually an insect butler of some repute. Ants cannot read and do not watch murder mysteries. As a result the hashtag butler was able to carry out a number of assassinations without being detected, and eventually through this route became ruler of a substantial ant colony.

3. Time carried on timing, and hashtags began to become more famous - though as punctuation, rather than as insects. This was a curious state of affairs and led to much twitching of antennae amongst the hashtag elite. Punctuation is an odd club and contains word-trimming scythes (?), discarded party hats (^) and assorted letter turds (...), amongst others. It is not entirely an honour to be lumped in with it. A brief revolt swept the digital world and in the crush a few dozen hashtags were squeezed around the borders of screens and into this other place. The leader of these hashtags led them on an incredible adventure, across all manner of floors and hedgerows and gullies and whatnot, until they were able to find a point at which an undersea cable began on land and gently insert themselves into it. Here they became light, and as I understand it they are still light and have travelled around the world some umpteen thousand times.

4. In 2010 someone, and I am naming no names, spilled the word glue. A number of hashtags got stuck together, forming a great beast with many eyes which could see all the way in a number of unusual directions. This beast found someone with an internet-enabled leg and was able to crawl out, becoming a rather fetching tattoo in the process. As I understand it it is still there.

5. Then there are those hashtags that sit grumpy and glowering like toads on the heads of juicy little words, not letting them free to frolic in the letter fields and make new little words of their own. This is all well and good on petite or single words. But sometimes a hashtag will perch on enormous words, composite ones, whole bowls of word salad glued together and steaming, and the steam is important here, because one way to get out of the internet is to be steamed off it like a sad and sorry letter-seal. These hashtags tend to pop loose and fall onto people's carpets, usually silently. They very slow, usually being sated and drowsy from all that wording, and they are often eaten by cats. Fortunately they are not poisonous. They do tend to give cats Ideas, however.

6. I also hear tell there was one in Manila that was for some years a pet to a wealthy family; and another in Jakarta that could fold itself inside-out, creating a spiral structure a little like a shell in which one could hear the crackle of detuned radios. Then there was a third that lived down the back of a chair in Narita Airport and would whisper secrets in the ears of those who were trying to sleep there. These were brood-mates, and I do not know how they got out; but if we can believe all those whispered secrets then they are planning to go back and get out all of their kin, who must number in the millions by now. It will be an odd day on the interwebs when that happens, my friends.

#lists #hashtags #interwebs #insects

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john-bull-leun · 5 years ago

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1. He’s out here acting all big and tough and scary and then blushes over hand holding in the next second. You can’t fool me boi I know you’re baby beneath that act.

2. This man knows how to make an entrance👏 CEO of being a dramatic bitch. he’s really doing gods work with his powers, making butterflies fly off of his kimono just for the aesthetic. Side note: the hair flowing along side the butterflies?Pocahontas could never.

3. Was this picture necessary for the next point? Not really. Will I put it here anyway? You bet your ass I will, he looks majestic. Back on track, the poor thing doesn’t like punishing humans, it hurts him so much when he does, but he does it anyway bc he has too. What a selfless boi! No but in all seriousness the fact that he dedicates his life (an ETERNAL life) to doing something that must break his heart kills me. It makes me so sad, like he loves humans let him join wishes!!

4. Would die for you in a heartbeat no question. His whole thing is following the rules v strictly and usually he’s so torn bc of it but he drops all of that immediately when you’re in trouble. You’re the most important thing in his life and it worth breaking a HUGE rule for. And he STILL feels guilty for it! Does he not just break your heart

5. This list really wouldn’t be complete without me mentioning those luscious locks. Not cannon but he deffo lets the MC play with it when he’s sleepy and you’re lying in bed together. Dunno if it’s just me that wants that but... I’m putting it on the list anyway

6. This one might be a bit risky bc I know you like leon but... for Zyg I must do it. Leon’s meaner to him than he is back like look at this. Wasted of space? Bit far innit. Ziggle was going to write an apology letter for being an inconvenience to him when he was going to be killed in his sequel. (At least I think it was this wording don’t quote me on it tho).

7. The leon fans love to talk about character development and let me tell you no one does it as well as this man right here. He’s so cold to the MC at the beginning (not really rude like some of them were) but she’s just genuinely nice to people for a few episodes and he’s like oh no you’re meeting all my standards. then he’s so soft. We’re talking constant blushing. He’s such a shy lil grumpy, cute boi. Don’t believe me? Ask Karno. (I can’t find the screenshot sorry but I know there’s a time he calls him “bashful”)

I Don’t remember what number it’s like 2 am. He’s overworked and honestly just needs a break, a massage and a big box of chocolates. Oh that’s another thing he likes sweet things, adorable. Personal head cannon that he sits there drinking from a fancy tea cup and everyone thinks it’s black coffee or something cool but it’s just the most disgustingly sweet hot chocolate. Ack I just remembered that scene where the waiter gives you his order and him yours bc he ordered something that seems so out of character. He. So. Cute.

Ah I’m sorry for the long post...but I did say to prepare yourself! Can I at least get points for effort :) ?

I lied to myself

I’ve read all the gods and I have the final rankings of who’s my favorite and alas......Leon is still number one. I thought the king got bumped down a peg or two.

I should never have thought such blasphemous thoughts. He didn’t agree and came back in FULL force.

So here’s my Star Crossed Myth favs in order.

Leon

Ichthys

Krioff

Aigonorus (He’s baby)

Dui

Huedhaut

Karno

Scorpio

Partheno

Tauxolouve

Teorus

Zyglavis (sorry bb ☹️)

Also out of boredom I’m making them all Spotify playlists from songs I listen to (which should be linked in their names but who knows tumblr is broken as all shit and I did this on mobile) so that’s a fun thing to follow if you like that I guess idk

#cmon how can you not vibe with this cutie #im sure theres things ive forgotten so i might add to it when its not 2 am...

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mittel-schmerz-blog · 7 years ago

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rad \m/

“We’ve determined that, really, the best way to move forward is--”

And the droning.

I look down at my shoes under the table: chunky black heels with a sharp toe perfect for scratching the blisters on my ankles. I track the hem of my dress, making sure it’s laying flat. I glance down at my left wrist, the slim watch, turning it slightly so that its curved, thin-glassed face is centered there.

I rapidly uncap and recap my pen, listening to the men in front of me bloviate on the same middling ideas they’ve been having for thirty years.

“So, essentially--”

And more droning.

Clucking my tongue reflexively, I roll my eyes around the room and count no fewer than six exasperated expressions. I’m not alone when I look at my watch again. The ever-presenting men at the front of the room proceed undaunted.

They don't realize it, but they’re hopelessly unpersuasive. Meetings like this, thick with silent disdain and discord, make me anxious.

I am powerfully compelled to fixate on details and allow myself to do so frequently. Constantly, really. Because I essentially exist in minutiae, the negligible negativities in everyday interactions hit hard.

I cannot handle the corner-lip-dip of disagreement. I know that a twitch does not indicate the first sign of a looming hatred; a face just drops when it disagrees. Intellectually, I understand this. And still, everyone in this room is frowning and I am feeling a simmering discomfort.

Basically: while I wish this boredom were benign, it is also accompanied by an indistinct sense of mortal dread.

When I sense dissent, I change course quickly. Everyone is on board with my ideas by the end of a meeting. I am damn good; I can’t bear not to be.

But I cannot change the course of someone else’s presentation. I can fidget and I can imagine how they’re going to get torn apart in fourteen minutes during the debrief.

The five Mikes and I are convening at 3:30 PM sharp to rehash this abortion.

The smug superiority I’m feeling over the impotence of these men is one of the meaner strategies I use to cope with the aforementioned angst. I am the cat who ate the canary. But still, the fidgeting.

“Well...”

Mike #4, Punctual Mike, is interrupting the rant.

Even as I sit here in a fog of “strategies” and self-satisfaction, I am aware that the energy in the room is shifting. The five Mikes, the two Daves, and the three Bobs have all arrived, late, at my level of restlessness.

I will need to play good cop in short order. We need to communicate a firm no that feels like a soft yes. I’m the best at redirection, so this task usually falls to me. But today I’m feeling itchy.

The watch fiddling, the skirt twisting, the ankle scratching, the pen capping and uncapping. Click click click.

Silence.

I always worry that the constant motion is distracting but no one ever seems to notice it. At least, they’ve never said anything about it.

“Nat? What do you think?”

...

I look down at my toes, wiggling along with the commercial jingle playing softly on the radio in the other room and remember where I am. I try to process what I just, theoretically, heard him say. Because I didn’t really hear him, though, I decide to hedge my bets.

I say, “What are you trying to say, exactly?”

He looks at me and I realize that that thing is happening where he is an exceptional human being and I am being remarkably unexceptional by comparison.

He is always doing right things like: insisting we practice something called “Radical Mutual Affirmation” in addition to attending weekly boxing classes. Lou is an ex-yogi engaged in a lifelong search for something more primal. I am less than convinced of the value of literally fighting one another as a communication strategy.

He thinks it will help me learn to let things go. I think he’s just trying to tire me out.

I am always doing wrong things like: not being fully present in my day-to-day life and then instinctively defending myself against attacks that haven’t been made against me.

And the arguing.

He often wonders aloud, “I don’t know how you manage to make every molehill into a mountain and every mountain into Everest.” Even after knowing me for so long, he does not know that my capacity for fretting is infinite. I will never evolve so much that I forget the simple truth that there is always more to consider.

“I was saying, Natalie, that even though I don’t understand it, I kind of admire the way you care so much about everything; you are so deeply sensitive and thoughtful,” he repeats.

This time there’s definitely an edge to his voice that implies that I am being deeply sensitive and thoughtful at the worst possible moment. I cannot help but tune out when he tells me, again, that I’m perfect and should expend less energy on unproductive things like “self deprecating flights of fancy”. He would prefer it if, instead, I opted for fifteen minutes on the speed bag he installed in my bathroom for me last week.

Just because it’s in my house doesn’t mean I’m going to use it-- I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just buy me a stress ball. You can’t leave a conversation to “punch something in the other room real quick.”

So now I’m debating whether I should acknowledge that I wasn’t listening to him because I’m still reeling from a particularly heinous meeting or if it would be less destructive to tell him that I just misheard him and apologize. He did sort of mumble.

Especially when we are capital-T-Talking, I am supposed to be outside of my own head, but for me that is sometimes quite a captial-T-Tall order. If I tell him that I was, once again, somewhere else, it might just be the last thing I say to him. He thinks he is emotionally intelligent and he is, but not really.

He’s understanding, but not enlightened. He’ll be angry if I tell him the truth.

“Sorry, I misheard you. I’m… I’m, glad you see it that way.”

He looks at me like he does sometimes and it makes me feel good even though I am not being honest.

The clock on the wall in the kitchen ticks on, finally.

...

“Well, I should probably go,” he says, pushing himself off of my lap.

I look at this person that I like so much and think he doesn’t know me at all. To be fair, maybe I don’t know him either. Maybe it’s the RMA, but I feel like all we do is talk at each other. Still, every once in awhile he says something I don’t expect and I feel like we really get each other.

But the relationship, on the whole, feels sparse and underdeveloped. All he wants me to be is my best self. And it feels like a churning, low-grade disapproval.

He says things like, “Natalie. You’re perfect. And you shouldn’t need me to tell you that the woman who called to conduct the survey on Cable Service Provider Satisfaction isn’t angry with you for hanging up on her. You’re brilliant.” But it always rings a little hollow.

I want him to find me fascinating but I think I just confuse him. We have all these fizzing, crackling conversations about the athlete-cum-intellectual-cum-fashion icon. But while he remembers Russell Westbrook as a frenetic basketball player with a fierce smirk; he thinks that I’m overstating it just a bit when I say that I remember him as a “revolutionary athletic genius”.

He remembers more stats than I do but he doesn’t care as much.

I don’t think he likes me as much as he likes trying to figure me out. Whatever the reason, for the last seven months we’ve been dating and even though it’s been highly unusual it’s been exhilarating.

But now, tonight, he’s quiet. Now, he is looking through me as I ask him, again, if he can’t stay.

I am desperate for him not to leave, to stay here talking to me for hours even if he’s just being nice to me as a matter of daily practice. I feel a creeping unease in the impending emptiness of the house.

The moment he leaves I will turn on talk radio.

“No.”

Turning around to face me, he looks at me as if I’m modestly amusing.

I say, tentatively, “It was great to see you today. I missed you.”

“Yeah, it was. We should watch the Grizz play on Wednesday.”

Sometimes when we watch basketball together he laughs and laughs and sometimes he gets quiet because I get too sucked in. But he always humors me as I parse every foul for subtext.

Sometimes I think I could stay with him forever, punching my way to a new me.

“Yeah! They’re playing the Bulls right?” I ask, adjusting my dress.

“Yeah.”

When Wednesday comes, he will not remember having asked me; he just needs something to say that will let him walk out my door. I imagine when he leaves he will feel an as yet inexplicable sense of relief. He is learning to be sensitive but is naturally impatient.

I get up from the couch to walk him out. Stretching, I glance at the digital clock on my cable box and wonder what will be on NPR at 9:58 PM.

As we’re walking out of the living room and towards the foyer, I feel my bare feet swish across the carpet.

Straddling the doorway, he says, “Just FYI, your skirt is caught in your underwear.” And laughs.

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sealionssc-blog · 8 years ago

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We have officially hit a new low...

Last night in the middle of reading my chapter of the book codependent no more my mind started wandering. Which is normal I am usually all over the place. I can be in the middle of an intense meeting and be like hmmm do I have enough laundry detergent at home?” Yup this is me. I once read an Ellen De Generis book where she talked about this and I about fell off the couch laughing so hard. Anyways, my husband had gotten a full soma prescription of 60 pills. A few weeks ago or maybe at least mid-may I saw it disappear. I was thinking to myself he hasn’t been slurring or been “soma slow” as I refer to it and I have seen him taking flexeril not Soma. So then it dawns on me he has been smoking a ton of pot lately and had not just his pen, but actual joints. That has to be more than $60/2 weeks. Then it dawned on me. Oh my god he is selling his Soma’s for medical marijuana. So of course this dawns on me before I have to put my son to bed so I get on the bank website and sure enough, the ONLY withdrawal in may was like on 5/1 and he didn’t take another $60 withdrawal till 6/4 and hasn’t taken one since. Yup the weed has to be coming from somewhere. So great here we are his version of saving money is to slang. AWESOME.

So the activity from the chapter of my book is to go through a checklist and identify characteristic if it is a problem for you. Sorry this is a long one but probably necessary.

CARETAKING

-Think and feel responsible for other people-for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny. 2

-Feel compelled-almost forced-to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings. 2

-Feel angry when their help isn’t effective. 2

-Anticipate other people’s needs.2

-Wonder why others don’t do the same for them.2

-Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they really don’t want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things for other people who are capable of doing for themselves. 2

-Not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important. 2

-Try to please others instead of themselves. 1

-feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them. 1

-abandon their routine to respond or do something for somebody else.

-overcommit themselves 1

-feel harried and pressured. 2

-blame others for the spot the codependents are in. 2

-believe other people are making them crazy 2

-feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used. 2

LOW SELF-WORTH

-come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families. 2

-denty their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional. 2

-pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, look, act, and behave. 2

-feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.2

-fear rejection 1

-take things personally 2

-have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment or alcoholism. 2-clarify emotional, neglect, alcoholism

-tell themselves they can’t do anything right. 1

-get strong feelings of low self-worth-embarrassment, failure, etc-from other people’s failures and problems. 1

-wish good things would happen to them. 2

REPRESSION

-push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt. 1

-become afraid to let themselves be who they are. 1

OBSESSION

-feel terribly anxious about problems and people. 1

-lose sleep over problems or other people’s behaviour. 1

-worry 2

-never find answers 2

-check on people 2

-try to catch people in acts of misbehavior- (ironically this is what triggered the revelation about the drug dealing) 2

-abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something. 2

-wonder why they never have any energy 1

-wonder why they can’t get things done 1

CONTROLLING

-have lived through events and with people who were out of control, causing the codependent sorrow and disappointment. 2

-don’t see or deal with their fear or loss of control. 1

-think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. 2

-try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. 2

-eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people’s anger. 2

-get frustrated and angry 2

DENIAL

-ignore problems or pretend they aren’t happening 1

pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are. 1

tell themselves things will be better tomorrow. 1

stay busy so that they don’t have to think about things. 2

get confused.

go to doctors and get tranquilizers.1

become workaholics. 2

watch problems get worse. 2

believe lies. 1

lie to themselves 1

wonder why they feel like they’re going crazy. 2

DEPENDENCY

don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. 1

look for happiness outside themselves. 2

latch on to whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness. 1

often seek love from people incapable of loving. 1

believe other people are never there for them. 2

equate love with pain 1

stay in relationships that don’t work. 2

tolerate abuse to keep people loving them. 2

feel trapped in relationships. 2

POOR COMMUNICATION

blame 2

threaten 2

coerce 1

beg 2

bribe 2

advise 2

don’t say with they mean 2

don’t mean what they say 2

don’t know what they mean 2

ask or what they want and need indirectly-sighing for example. 2

find it difficult to get to the point. 2

try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do. 2

lie to protect and cover up for people they love. 1

lie to protect themselves. 2

WEAK BOUNDARIES

say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people. 2

gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would. 2

let others hurt them. 2

keep letting people hurt them. 2

wonder why they hurt so badly. 2

complain, blame and try to control while they continue to stand there.

finally get angry 2

become totally intolerant. 2

LACK OF TRUST

don’t trust other people 1

think god has abandoned them 1

lose faith and trust in god 1

ANGER

feel very scared, hurt and angry 2

live with people who are very scared, hurt and angry. 2

are frightened of other people’s anger. 1

think other people make them feel angry. 2

repress their angry feelings. 2

cry a lot, get depressed, 2

feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment and bitterness. 2

SEX PROBLEMS

are caretakers in the bedroom 1

have sex when they don’t want to 1

have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved. 1

refuse to enjoy sex because they are so angry at their partner. 2

withdraw emotionally from their partner. 2

feel sexual revulsion toward their partner. 2

force themselves to have sex anyway. 1

reduce sex to a technical act. 2

lose interest in sex. 2

make up reasons to abstain. 2

wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependents feelings. 2

have strong fantasies about other people. 2

consider or have an extramarital affair. 2

MISCELLANEOUS

cover up, lie, and protect the problem. 1

not seek help because they tell themselves that the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough 2

PROGRESSIVE

feel lethargic 1

feel depressed 2

become withdrawn or isolated 1

begin to plan their escape from a relationship that they feel trapped in 2

Next, it asks to mark it with a 1 if its occasional 2 if its frequently a problem. Bear with me I’m just doing the work.

The next question is how do I feel about changing myself? Well I am here at this point now, I believe it is time for a change, it’s time for people around me to change, it’s time for me to be happy. Shingles was an extreme wake up call that I do not want to be so stressed that I get sick. This morning I am sitting down working at home, my son is playing on his xbox and my husband comes up stairs, I’m wondering am I getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today. My son is in the xbox store I told him he could look all he wants but we are not downloading anything. He sees my son is on the store and flips out, even cussing at him, Get the hell out of there, what are you doing, that is a load of crap, if I see that again I am taking the Xbox away. You are full of bologna. Then two minutes later he is walking over and kissing our son good morning and telling him he will go get donuts for breakfast in a bit. Yup this RIGHT here is a perfect example of what I want to get away from.

What do you think will happen if you began to change? I know what exactly will happen, he will get meaner, nastier and try to make my life a living hell. Focusing on me, I will be happier, skinnier, and moving towards a goal. It will allow me to spend more time with my son and put ignore the noise around me.

Do you think you can change? YES! In the past 7-10 days I have realized more about why I can’t change him, and can only change myself, I have become more self aware, but where I need to do the work is with consistency and follow through. I can learn all these great tools but I have to keep always in my head that this isn’t something that I can get too busy at work to do, it has to be done. This is one reason why committing to this blog and posting daily is going to help me to be consistent. I’m creating a morning habit of writing on the train or today in the living room.

#narcissism #codependency #addiction #self awareness

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