#sorry i just think it’s poorly organised

[selfconsumerofmywoes]

full offence to this student cookbook but maybe don’t advertise as having cheap meals and great budgeting advice and then have no repetition between any of the ingredients in the meals - that does not save money

[empressofthewind]

Honestly my main point about the puzzle was just that I don’t think Near specifically chooses toys and activities that are mentally stimulating for him. It’s worth noting that the L puzzle was a gift, so this was picked out on his behalf, which to me, perfectly explains why it would be a more challenging activity than what we usually see him doing. But he completes it over and over to the point at which he can do it on autopilot, without having to think about it at all, and then we never see him completing a puzzle again; nor do we see him doing anything that’s really considered an intellectual task outside of his work. He likes to have his hands and his workspace occupied while his brain is busy. He likes clutter. He likes giant card towers and Lego cities and 100 screens on the walls even if they’re all displaying the same thing and functionally serve no purpose. The more options he has at his disposal, the more he thrives.

[stuffedsand]

for the violence ask game: 8 common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about. for milgram. i know exactly what you're going to say i just want to see you go off again

Hiii bestie. You do know what I'm about to talk about. Yippee

Disclaimer that this whole essay is like. For fun and how I say things is ramped up to be funny. I don't mind if you disagree w me cuz like that's the nature of things! We disagree but we can get along.

Anyways short answer for people who don't wanna see the essay: organ harvesting theory. This is about shidou.

Idk how prevalent it is rn since not many people even talk about shidou but it was prevalent enough in June when I got into milgram that I believed it for a bit anyways the rest in under the cut cuz I'm insane sorrg

SO the main reason I think the theory is WRONG (hyperbole‼️) is because I just think it's unrealistic. Man works in a hospital in Japan. How would he pull it off. Scuff an operation bad enough to cause braindeath/death and I'm p sure they suspend your medical licence, if he participated in an organ harvesting operation pre-family-accident his case would then be black and white cuz he was doing it in complete sound mind with no regard for human life. Also it wouldn't justify the extreme reaction he's had to realizing, specifically, "what I've been robbing people of" (t1 voice trailer), and he wouldn't have as heavy a focus on the relatives' feelings and reactions. At least story writing wise it'd make less sense since it doesn't allude to anything if that's the end goal? Imo at least. Idk maybe this is because I really like tragedies in media. Also because it'd be a really disproportionately severe crime compared to every other direct murderer???? Like. We have strangled someone, stabbed someone, bludgeoning, bludgeoning, kicked someone to death. Organ harvesting looks cartoony in this context. It's also not a very prevelant issue in Japan iirc.

Also to prove my point further. If we use this theories the murders would be

Strangling, abortion??????, cyber bullying, stabbing, organ harvesting, toxic r/s, telling the truth (lmao), bludgeoning, bludgeoning, bludgeoning (minus weapon). Organ harvesting is goofy cuz it seems so.... Extreme,,,,,,,

ALSSOOOOO funny point. If he's not directly involved in his murder (as in, unintentional and indirect) that makes 5 direct and 5 indirect. Silly.

Also also his murder seems somewhat tied to how he feels about his job itself ("I wanted to contribute to society (about his career choice)/I had thought my work was a contribution to society", use of past tense) and to me it reads like hes disillusioned w his job esp since his reason for getting a highly sought after, high paying and high social ranking job is "I wanted to contribute to society". Doctors with that empathy can be affected by the death around them more severely and I think that's a fun topic to look at

I count this under "common fandom opinion" cuz it was common enough around June (whenyours truesly got into milgram) that I believed it. I mean I introduced shidou to my friend (hello clown) as "maybe Dr malpractice. Organ harvesting dude" and said friend (hello again clown) is also the one who's heard me bash the organ harvesting theory like 6 times at least now so. Yippee.

Take none of this seriously I just got off a plane and am so very eepy. If you like the organ harvesting theory good for you!!!!!!!💥💥💥💥💥 you do you bestie !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally do not think less of anyone who believes that theory I just personally dont lmao

[mactavishsgfandwife]

‘mactavishsgfandwife’ Masterlist

just making this so that i (+ you guys) can find my posts more easily! because in just over a week of posting i already have sooo many things i want to keep an organised list of them lmao can you tell i love simon???

mdni as i occasionally write smut + some of the fluff has suggestive content and sexual references x

key: fluff = 💗 angst = 🧸 smut = 💐

Task Force 141

‘141 and Their Instruments’ [What instruments I think the boys play] 💗

’141 and Their Embarassing Childhood Haircuts (HC)’ [What silly haircuts I think they got given as kids teehee] 💗

‘141 When They’re Sick’ [How they act when they’re poorly :((] 💗

’TF141 Watching a Horror Movie With You’ [Request, the 141 boys with a sweet s/o who loves horror] 💗

’141 x Crazy Rich Reader’ [Request, how they’d act with a spoilt s/o] 💗

Simon “Ghost” Riley

‘A Simon Riley HC’ [Si hates you cracking your back] 💗

’Precious - A Simon Riley HC’ [Si loves you x] 💗

’Simon Riley When You’re On Your Period’ [He comforts youuu] 💗

’Alone - A Simon Riley HC (Angst)’ [You wake up and he’s gone :(] 🧸

’So Good - A Simon Riley HC (Smut)’ [Praise, you’re a very good girl] 💐

’Bf!SimonRiley Imagines’ [I need him]

’Simon "Ghost" Riley Comforts You’ [Reader is in a bad mental state and he cuddles her] 💗🧸

’Thinking About Sleepy Sex With Ghost’ [Self explanatory xoxo] 💐

’Possessive/Dominant Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley Headcanons’ 💗

‘Dad!Simon Taking Your Daughter to the Optician’s’ [Adorable domestic fluff] 💗

’Dad!Simon Takes Your Daughter Swimming’ [More dad!Si >:)] 💗

’Dad!Simon Helps Your Daughter When She Falls Over :((‘ [Simon being a good daddy] 💗

’Soft Simon "Ghost" Riley HCs’ [You are his soft spot] 💗

’Simon "Ghost" Riley in a Heatwave (HC)’ [He can’t deal with the heat, bless] 💗

’Simon "Ghost" Riley’s Breeding Kink’ [Self explanatory again, praise] 💐

’Simon Riley x Curly Haired Reader’ [He loves your curls] 💗

’Last Night’s Mistake - Simon "Ghost" Riley’ [The morning after] 🧸

’Cuddling With Simon "Ghost" Riley (HCs)’ [Cute cuddles, that’s it] 💗

’Soft Simon "Ghost" Riley Cuddling You’ [Request, Ai likes being your sweet boy] 💗

‘Simon "Ghost" Riley and Your New Cat’ [Si is jealous of your new kitten] 💗

’Sorry, Baby - Simon "Ghost" Riley’ [Request, you have an argument and he loses his temper] 🧸

’Simon "Ghost" Riley at a Party’ [Simon being a scary overprotective loser] 💗

’Good Boy - Simon "Ghost" Riley (MDNI)’ [Request, Simon being needy and pathetic] 💐

’Meeting 141 as Simon "Ghost" Riley’s Fiancée’ [Request, you show up and suddenly rough old Simon is a lot softer] 💗

’Overprotective Ghost X Shy Reader’ [He gets suspicious of you unfairly :( ] 🧸

’Simon "Ghost" Riley and His Poorly Girl’ [You’re sick and he won’t let you go to work] 💗

’Overprotective Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader’ [You don’t have to move a muscle, love.] 💗

‘Simon’s Favourite Colour’ [Just cutesy playfulness] 💗

‘Simon Riley, Who’s Into… Mindfulness?’ [Si finds it embarrassing but he meditates and does little breathing exercises when he needs to calm down] 💗 (My tumblr is acting up about links rn but I’ll add the link when I can)

John Price

‘Tea Time With Price (HC)’ [HCs about Price and tea?!?] 💗

’In My Office - UniversityProfessor!Price’ [After a lecture, you start to cry] 🧸

my personal favs that i’ve written are in my office with price and last night’s mistake, but they’re not perfect and i can’t wait to see how i (God willing) improve!!

[badomensgoodomens]

RIFFS AND REGRETS - NOAH SEBASTIAN

oc name used: arabella

warnings: mention of sex?? throwing up??

unedited btw

summary: lol u dont get one keep reading.

The pounding on the bus door was enough to drag my sorry ass out of bed. I should NOT have drank that much. “Bella!!!” the pounding was repetitive. “Sorry! Sorry! Geez. i didn't even have a bra on.” My drummer, leo, stood infront of me with the hangover holy grail. coffee. 

I rub my face, god i slept in my makeup. He hands me an iced latte, in which i accept gratefully. We were currently parked in the bus sector of good things festival, approximately two days before it kicked off. I knew he was here, engraved into the back of my fucking skull. I just wonder if they were still together. 

I was talking about noah of course, the topic of him having haunted my dreams the past 4 years. Silhouettes of Silence (SOS) kicked off after we stopped being friends, which im sure  was a real slap in the face for him. I do briefly remember the events leading up to the pure distaste and hurt i feel towards the man, but i could honestly go on forever. 

I was snapped out of thought as leo repeatedly snapped in front of my face. “Get your shit together you haven’t even seen him yet” he says, raising an eyebrow at me. “Wheres lucy and gene?” i ask, glancing around the poorly furnished bus. “Probably hooking up somewhere." “I ought to fire those two one of these days.” 

With a sigh, i get up from my position on the leather couch. “Cmon, we gotta go set up our merch tent.” much to my absolute dismay, we were opposite none other than the bad omens merch tent. I just avoid eye contact. I loiter near pierce the veils tent, danielle had babysat me my entire childhood so we were close. 

“Silhouettes of silence, huh?” i heard a voice behind me. I could recognise that little shit anywhere. “Folio!!” i turn on my heels, running towards him. I hug him tightly, even after all this time he still smells and feels the same. “Ive missed you, man.” he says, pulling away. I shrug awkwardly, “hah… sorry. Kind of skipped town after everything went down. Im proud of you, you look well.” i say, shifting awkwardly on my feet. “Same to you bella, you look better.” he says with that stupid smile. “We should hang out some time.” i say, smiling at him. “Mhm, bring back our thrifting adventures.’ he says, glancing back to his tent. “Hey i gotta go, catch you later yeah?” he says, disappearing before i can even say anything. 

“That was an absolute disaster.” i gesture to danielle, who had appeared next to me. “Eh, id say it wasn’t too bad. If the rest of em are like that, this’ll be a breeze for you.” she responds. “Just wish it wasn’t like this.” i say. She hums, before stepping back to return to her organising. I take a deep breath, it was day one and i was already exhausted. I manage to leg it back to the bus without another unnecessary encounter with an omen boy, but at what cost. 

I step inside the dark tour bus to be met with the sound of moans and skin slapping. 

Oh my god. 

“Abstinence in the tour bus they said. Itll be fun being in a band they said” 

—--------------------------

Another day of rehearsals and setting up, pre show day nerves hitting me hard. I go for a walk after the suns set, just minding my own business. It was late, and quiet. Moments like this really kept me alive. My bassist and guitarist were immature, i feel like im going no where with my life, im still caught up on a GUY- oh god theres somebody behind me. 

“You look like shit.” 

“Oh my fucking GOD jolly you scared the shit out of me you creep.” i hiss, turning around. He just laughs, walking alongside me. “Its like 11pm, why are you out here walking alone?” he asks. “Thinking.” i mutter, looking down at my feet. “Fuck. i cannot see.” he mumbles, turning his phone flash on. 

We do a lap of the festival grounds, just catching up a bit. “You look different.” jolly says abruptly. I stop walking, now confused. “Sorry?” “its just.. I dont know. Youve lost weight, dyed your hair, started a band, covered yourself in tattoos its just.. Weird. You definitely look more.. You.” he says. I ponder for a moment. “Geez youre observant.” 

We finish our lap off, before going our separate ways to our buses. “Soo… seen him yet? Leo asks, sprawled out on a leather couch with some chips. “No… not yet atleast. But i'm gradually ticking off his bandmates.” i respond, sitting down next to him to steal a chip. “They were your friends too, bella.” he says, his voice softening on me. “Dont get all sappy on me” i say, shoving him. He laughs.

—--------------------------------------------

Showtime. 

I  could actually throw up. 

I stand infront of the shitty bathroom mirror, some comfy flares and a hoodie on for now. I take deep breaths before warming up my voice.

Everyone gathers for soundcheck. 

“Hi yes im in my slippers, uhhh someone give me a song to sing.” 

“Floral and fading!!!” 

“My voice doesn’t go thaaaat high!!” 

Its about 3pm now, ive already pregamed some drinks and some artists have even started. Leo is curling my hair, while i cake on some makeup. “Im so not ready for this.” i say, setting my face. “You’ll do perfectly fine, warm your voice up.” he says, poking my side. 

I stand backstage, cracking my knuckles. Something I usually do out of pure fear. I rock on the balls of my feet, zoning the fuck out. “You got this.” Lucy says, standing in front of me. I just nod, anxiety swirling in my stomach. “You’re on in 10.” the stage manager says, walking behind me. I sigh, rubbing my face. “Im gonna shit myself” i choke out a laugh. 

I finally get my shit together and step out onto the main stage. Our song ‘urban legends’ blares through the plethora of speakers, my stage presence is bipolar compared to me naturally. I’m confident on stage, not in real life. 

Passion seeps through my voice as i perform our debut album, ‘echoes of silence’ the crowd is ecstatic, feeling the vibe. I transition into our newer songs, whom have grown popular on tiktok. Its exhausting really, but i love the adrenaline. 

As our set closes, i stalk past all the sea of backstage members, catching the eye of the one man id been trying to avoid. I don’t have time to care though, i can hear leo walking behind me, trying to get my attention. Fuck. i need a bucket. 

I run into the backstage bathrooms, throwing up. Gene and lucy hold my hair back. My ears are ringing and i feel queasy.

The last thing i hear before i black out is

“Is she okay?”

_____________________________

credits to whoever came up with 'abstinence in the tour bus' i read it somewhere and think of it religiously lol.

[writefightandflightclub]

Santi +/x AuDHD!reader headcanons

(could be platonic or romantic - but written as not co-habiting)

Author’s note: maybe this is too niche, idk, but sometimes I like to think about the blorbos and how they’d interact with an AuDHD reader (because that’s me, so for obvious reasons). I headcanon that Santi is particularly compatible with a neurodivergent reader, maybe because I’m being self-indulgent… but also because why on earth would he not be? So here are a few poorly written / cobbled together thoughts which have been rattling around in my brain.

PLEASE NOTE: These are written in as general a way as I could manage (which may make it slightly less fulfilling, sorry, as it’s therefore lost specificity) but please note: since everyone who is AuDHD is so completely and vastly different, I couldn’t possibly have made this “fit” everyone’s experiences. Sorry if there are things you don’t relate to, but I tried to include a few more common experiences in there so hopefully there’s at least something.

Also! If you have any hcs of your own (for any Oscar/Pedro characters) PLEASE share them because I want more ND!reader content out there! 😀🧡 (Will also consider ND!reader requests if you have them, provided I think I can do it justice!)

Warnings: brief mention of panic attacks / anxiety (Santi). Geared towards ways that Santi helps reader out - that’s where my head was at, so it is what it is. Broadly neuro-affirming, I’m not putting anyone down for any traits ofc, even if they do cause challenges sometimes! Hope that makes sense!

Santi is so organised and tidy. He can make a plan and execute it with great attention to detail (have you seen that storage locker?!). If you struggle to stay organised and keep the house tidy etc., Santiago will have no issue helping you out, whether it’s coming up with a routine, creating a system, or simply doing a quick blitz anytime he’s over at your house. He finds it sorta therapeutic anyway, and you never feel like he’s doing it because he judges you or the condition of your place. It’s just wired into him to find order. Hell, sometimes if you lose something around the place you call him to see if HE can remember where he last saw it, and usually he can. That military routine never really left him, even all those years later, so he’s a great constant for modelling structure!

Santi will FaceTime you to body-double whatever chores you want to complete. For example; you have a Wednesday evening tradition to call each other while you each fold the laundry, or do whatever else you need to get done. You do get things done, and he makes you laugh the whole time too. He sticks to this routine as much as he can, no matter what else he has going on, or which country he is in. He loves this quality time with you, and to him it’s just a bonus that it helps you out.

Running late to meet him? He’s learned to bring a book and a flask of coffee along. He’ll wait, you’re worth it.

Sensitive to noise? Santi can’t relate fully, but he knows what it’s like for some sounds to instil negative effects. (See how this veteran is feeling around the fireworks at 4th July and you’ll get it.) He will respect your need for quiet when you need it. Besides, he’s slowed down a lot since his younger years and more and more enjoys the little things like curling up and reading a book. That said, if you want some stimulation and fancy hitting a dive bar with blasting music, or wanna dance in the kitchen, he can also be convinced. He has the range to accommodate all of your sensory preferences, your routines and your impulsive ideas, and he’ll gladly follow your flow.

He’s a magician at regulating you. This man is observant and can read people like nobody’s business, so he knows when you’re getting overstimulated or overwhelmed - often before anyone else does. When he sees it happen he’s happy to help you calm your nervous system however you need. Whether that’s a soft / firm hug, distracting you by talking to you in his soothing voice, working-out with you, letting you fidget with him - his hands, bracelets, whatever - or borrowing a texture of his, like playing with his soft curls.

Better believe this guy sends you texts throughout the day to check that you’ve eaten / drank water.

If you’re running late to an appointment and he’s free he will 100% drive you.

He loves to cook and always “accidentally” makes extra, so that you always have a stock of tasty “emergency” meals in your freezer for days when you don’t have the energy / functioning to cook.

Don’t wanna make the phone call? Santi will do it for you. Besides, he can charm the socks off of anyone so it’s probably best he deals with it anyway.

Santi is charming but he also has the ability to be straight down the line in his communication, especially with you as he trusts you so much. That means you rarely have to guess what he’s thinking or feeling about any particular thing. He lays it out for you and that’s super helpful. Of course, he can be closed off about his more complex, deeper emotions, but that’s something you seem to bring out of him - at least, in ways that no-one else has managed. You’ve had plenty of deep heart-to-hearts with the man and you know you can count on each other in a pinch, whether you need comfort or to vent about something you have going on.

Santi experiences panic attacks and anxiety and can relate to some of the ways you also struggle. He gets that people’s brains work in different ways and he’s far from judgemental about that. You’ve never once made him feel lesser when he’s been struggling and he will NEVER do that to you either.

Your sense of humour cracks him up no end.

He loves that you can be “blunt” / direct / a little “too honest”. He always knows where he stands with you, and for someone as (secretly) insecure as Santi that’s no small thing.

If you indicate you are burnt-out… he BELIEVES you. No questions asked - except for what you need, of course.

Forgotten something? Santi has started carrying spares. This man is nothing if not prepared, and now that simply extends to you. Whatever day-to-day items you carry (or often lose) he makes a mental note of the item and brand and buys multiple - for his place, his truck, wherever.

This man has social skills galore, so you can lean on him at parties, or in whatever situation if you’re feeling uncomfy or want a “way in” to a conversation. You can even leave him to do all the talking if you like, though of course he will enable you to have the floor if he can see that you want it. On the flip side, if you talk a lot, he is absolutely listening and rapt with whatever you are coming out with.

Don’t always look him in the eye? That’s okay. The man is so beautiful he’s used to people not being able to stare directly at him 😝 Besides, he finds you and your mannerisms completely charming.

He’s deadly, sure, but overall he’s actually quite a calm and not hugely reactive person - especially in a crisis. That can be so helpful in balancing you out on some occasions where you may react in a heightened way, or be emotional or worried / catastrophising about something. Despite his ability to skip town at the drop of a hat - before deciding to stick around - he does have the ability to be pretty steady and stable and sometimes that’s what you need.

He appreciates you and everything you do for him. He helps you out sometimes but you never feel “in his debt”. He is endlessly praising all of your amazing strengths and attributes (amidst some fond teasing ofc) and appreciates all that you are as well as all you do for him, and he couldn’t ask for a better person to have in his corner.

[suitov]

Makoto: Thank gods you were there. I wouldn't have known what to do.

Izuru: Your first two suggestions were sensible, if poorly organised.

Makoto: They were? I don't... remember what I said. I was so panicked.

Izuru: You said "Oh no, Junko! Check her pulse! Get help!"

Makoto: Oh, haha.

Makoto:

Makoto: Is... my voice really that high?

Izuru: I am an Ultimate Voice Actor, Mimic, Impostor, Actor--

Makoto: Sorry, sorry, I wasn't questioning your powers.

Izuru: I was not offended.

Makoto:

Makoto: She's... she's really heavy, huh...

Izuru: I can carry her on my own.

Makoto: But I want to help! It's all my fault!

Izuru: In a sense. Your ill luck was involved.

Makoto: Normally I just get some cut or scrape or the bus drives past me or... I've never... seen someone else get hurt...

Izuru: I will carry her. Dry your eyes.

Makoto, blowing nose: Phhhsssbbbpt... sorry... but I'm glad you were there. I knew you'd know what to do. Things're less scary with you around.

Izuru: I am actually very scary and also evil.

Makoto:

Makoto: Yyyyeah.

Makoto: But, even i... even though that's true, if you're with us, then the scary person is on our side! So that's less scary in itself.

Izuru: I see. Mentally assigning me to your in-group permits you to overlook my overwhelming threat level because, to your mind, that threat is directed outward. In this way, pack mentality adds to your false sense of security. Perhaps this is how all real people cope with my presence.

Makoto: You're real people, Izuru.

Izuru:

Junko: Oh my GOD will you just KISS already I've been faking unconsciousness for TWELVE MINUTES!!

Makoto: Junko! Are you okay?!

Izuru: Yes, she has been fine this entire time.

Makoto:

Izuru: She was pretending.

Makoto: A...and you knew?

Izuru: I did not wish to spoil the funny prank.

Makoto: That's not a funny prank!

Junko: Excuse the fuck out of me your face is hilarious this was the best prank.

Makoto: I was afraid you were brain damaged and dead!!

Izuru: She is not dead.

Junko: Listen, if you're so excitable you didn't realise the thing missed me by inches, that's not my fault.

Izuru: The prank is concluded now, yes?

Junko: Since you dense dodos wouldn't frigging make out, yeah.

Izuru: Then I shall put you down.

Junko: I didn't say you could put me down.

Makoto: You both have terrible senses of humour.

Junko: Don't be bitter just cos you didn't think of making him carry you too.

[typosandtea]

Got tagged by @irradiatedpiratebooty (Thankyou!) to post some wips…. 😅

No pressure tags for: @sirmanmister @acorncoffeeformysweetheart @charliesvarietyhour @fuzzydreamin @bokatan :]

I’ve got so many abandoned sketches / concepts and very few wips that make it past that because usually by the time I’ve hashed out the sketch I’ve figured out if I like it and if i have the ability to pull off what I am picturing yet ahahah and the ones past sketch are often abandoned for ‘I cant figure out why I don’t like this’ rip

(I’ve also tacked a half written danse fic on the bottom!)

Some active wips✨ (Danse like its 2015, silly comic based on this post, sketch of Murphy and Nathan)

Some I’ll hopefully come back too??????????? (Tacky mug, Danse and Frankie in Far harbor (based on Night Letter by @/watchyourdigits, I paused for falloutober and never picked up again sorry :/ ), Sweetbrew fallout 76)

Proper abandoned rip (Danse as a dnd paladin (a request that I didn’t finish since the vibes are bad, sorry @/never-gonna-danse-again :/), and a silly comic based on this screenshot of mine)

And some writing since I’m trying to figure out how to do that yay ⤵️

(Untitled, unfinished) Danse, 2nd person, Danse is kinda oblivious, ‘How does Danse deal with loving and being truly loved by a railroad sole, even after the events of rr fallout 4.. (poorly)’

Dawes, Worwick, Brach and now Keane. All good soldiers dead too soon, too young, under your command. With a heavy heart you know now that soon you'll watch as you lose Haylen and Rhys too, before succumbing yourself to the ever growing tide of ferals that has been ebbing closer over the course of the battle, it feels like an eternity has passed since you saw Keane fall to the abominations, time seemed to have broken, though you know that its only been half an hour at most. If you survive the onslaught you'll have to organise a proper memorial.. if..

Reload. Aim. Fire. Assess the situation, update tactics. Breathe. Reload. Aim. Fire. Godless heathens! Rhys is injured! Breathe. Reload. BREATHE. Aim. Fi- Fire rains down on the ferals from outside the compound. Reload. Update tactics with Haylen, while more gunfire and another molotov begins to part the irradiated sea of scum. Aim. You catch a glimpse of them. Fire. The remaining abominations are dealt with swiftly, and while thankful for the well timed assist you can't help but to be cautious of them after all of the opposition your team has faced in the commonwealth. You ask them about themselves and they ask about you in return, thinking back you never got a straight answer out of them but no time to think about that now. Leading the way, you fill the silence with a debrief of Gladius' disastrous mission here, after all they had seemed interested in the Brotherhood, even if the sunglasses clad man with them had frowned. Arcjet brings more surprises, in both the unwelcome form of gen 1 synths, and the strangers' apparent combat effectiveness and familiarity with facing them. Between both of your combat prowess, the dilapidated laboratory is soon devoid of any synthetic 'life'.

Choosing to debrief outside you stumble through attempting to compliment their outstanding combat abilities, for a civilian. You part ways after gifting them Righteous authority and an accepted invitation to join the brotherhood, much to the dismay of their companion it seems. On the walk back to the station you realise that you feel lighter than you have in months, if just a little bit crispier too.

Months pass and things have been going well for the soldier, their already good combat skills have been steadily improving, Maxon has promoted them already! They are turning into a model knight, albeit with some unorthodox choices sometimes, but you want them to succeed you know they can!

After a particularly gruelling day of clearing out yet another super mutant nest you mutually decide to camp out in a suitably defensible old house, "you're quite the soldier" you say for not the first time, casual conversation comes easily with them, easier than it has for you in years you realise with a pang. And so you tell them about Kreig and how you are pushing them the same way he pushed you, to grow into the potential you see in them, and then you apologise. For being like Kreig, pushing too hard without explanation or reward. The soldier is silent for a while, before replying, but you see a new glimmer in their eyes, of understanding. They take first watch, and you drift off to sleep easily for the first time in recent memory.

Much progress has been made in the brotherhood's hunt for the institute, with the both or you being assigned more missions near constantly it seems someone has noticed your effectiveness as a team. You've heard whispers of rumours and caught the occasional stares drifting around the prydwen, but you pay them no mind, speculative gossip has never been of any interest to you, especially not something so obviously false as those rumours, that would be inappropriate after all. Your thoughts drift to the soldier, and realise just how much they have come to mean to you and how little you've told them anything about you, how could you have been so selfish after they have bared so much of their soul with you? Their life prewar, the death of their spouse at the hands of the cruel institute mercenary, the hunt for a way into the institute and their overwhelming fear at what they will find there. How much pressure they feel from everyone to be the perfect soldier, you sigh internally thinking about that, you owe them an apology it seems. With your mind made up now you just wait for them to return and for a suitably private moment to present itself. The opportunity arises later that day, they have just returned to the prydwen after a week away, and much to your surprise beeline straight for you with a smile before even turning in their documents or missions. They seem to be oblivious to the stares and raised eyebrows of the mess's other patrons, and a round of suitably authoritative glares ensures they will remain so. Brandis just smiles, damn him.

You warmly accept their request to join them on a routine acquisition for Haylen, but you know by now that no mission will ever be ‘routine’ with them, not that you mind the challenge. En-route to the target zone you cant stop thinking about what you are going to discuss with them, how will you open such a sensitive topic with them? Its been a substantial period of time since you’ve spoken to anyone about back then, not that you could ever forget him, after all how could you when he haunts your sleep like some sort of sorrowful spectre of loss, guilt and pain.

Lost in your ruminations as you are you nearly walk right into the Soldier as they signal ‘hold’ and ‘danger’. Snapping back to reality while cursing yourself for your inattentiveness internally, you spot the obvious threat almost immediately: a roving band of super-mutant scum and worse yet, a suicider. Outstanding. Your friend signals for stealth and for a flanking manoeuvre, you never did understand their insistence on such quiet methods when you both have access to power armour, but you’ve seen enough of their handwork enough to trust their tactics, even with their continual overestimation of your lacking stealth capabilities. As quietly and you can in full power armour you move into position on the opposite side of the pack to them, shoulder your rifle and wait for their signal. You can feel your heart rate quicken in time with the warming thrum from your charging laser rifle as the anticipation and adrenaline flips the switch to combat mode. They don’t keep you waiting long as a well placed laser volley from them sets off the unsuspecting suicider right in the middle of the pack. As the stragglers stupidly turn in the direction of the apparent danger you fire on their backs with deadly accuracy. With the element of surprise now used to its fullest, you charge into optimal combat range as one of the remaining brutes correctly picks you as the bigger threat, Good. Its better if you are the target. A few more well places shots from the both of you and its over as quickly as it started, “Outstanding!” you complement their marksmanship and tactics as they walk over. You notice of the charred abominations still writhing nearby and you put it out of its disgusting misery with a well placed stomp.

The Soldier shows you the location Haylen specified on their pip-boy, its just on the other side of this small commercial district, if the mission goes smoothly you could be back on the prydwen by nightfall, sharing a whisky to chase away the taste of messes’ latest attempt at dinner. You both freeze as you hear the distinctive sound of laser fire nearby, one look and you both move towards the commotion weapons hot. At the first sign of creepy plastic and blue lasers you charge with an “AD VICTORIAM!” but you barely get a round in before mini-gun fire tears through the remaining machines. After ensuring that they were in the clear you join the soldier as they approach the heavily armed newcomer. You meet the strangers glare with a level one of your own, before they can say anything your friend asks what they are doing here, “kicking ass, though it looks like HQ messed up scheduling again” the stranger answers. Ah this must be one of their minutemen acquaintances, you had heard they were getting more active lately, and poor organisation is expected from the civilian militia. The strangely dressed silver haired minuteman explains that the subway has been overrun with gen 1 synths, your friend offers to help, “it would be an Honor to assist in exterminating these abominations” you agree, though this earns you a strange look from the minuteman. No matter. Unbeknownst to you the Soldier and the minuteman share a significant look behind your back. No pathetic synths stand a chance against the three of you as heavily armoured as you all are, you briefly considered extending the minuteman an invitation to join the brotherhood, though you reconsider when they lament the ‘deaths’ of the machines, such a naive outlook would never be allowed to continue in the brotherhood, don't they know how dangerous synths are? With the battle dust settled, “damn!, you’re one ass-kicking angel of death” the stranger compliments your friend as you all backtrack to leave the dingy subway, “agreed, outstanding work as always” you contribute, they are positively beaming at the combined praise. The minutemen leaves with more crude but positive words, its good to see that the minutemen have at least some capable fighters on their side, it is a noble cause.

The target artifact is soon acquired with minor resistance from some more mutants, but the hour is too late to return to the prydwen now. They suggest that a settlement nearby will be a safe place to camp for the night, you agree, and privately hope that the arrangements will be secluded enough for the difficult conversation you have planned. A short walk in the dark later and you both arrive at the small nursery and are immediately accosted by a group of hysterical settlers. Eventually the soldier calms them down enough to learn the location of the kidnapped one, an older man. The mutants are just across the road as it turns out, why on earth they have tolerated living a stones throw from these monstrosities for so long is a mystery, but at least the proximity makes for a brutally quick rescue, you both use the night to you advantage and the monsters are dead before they can even take up arms. The man is injured so you carry him, trusting your friend to have your backs on the way back to the settlement. You mentally resolve to make significant note of how much mutant and synth activity there is in this region in the next mission report. With the settler returned, sustenance and a semi-secure place to set up camp for the night acquired (to be continued oops, 1/4 affinity talks written, the 4th being romance dialog)

[evilovesyou]

Can i ask what / how was it poorly organised? Sorry it left you feeling like that :/

I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into 😂

It started with just how to get into the venue… google maps told us it was a 20 minute walk but the entrance was so hard to find, with no signs or anybody pointing you in the right direction, that it took us at least 45 min.

We got there after the initial queues had passed, but still fairly early. (The second act was playing when we entered the grounds.)

There were 2 food trucks for (depending on the source) 20-30k people. Two trucks. And two bars that sold only soft drinks and beer. You could buy water at specific places just for that. One merch stand. 12 hammocks that they labeled “chill out area”.

They had talked about having vegan food options etc, but when we arrived there were already several things that were crossed off the menu. We stood in line for 45 min to get some food and when my girlfriend asked if they had anything vegetarian they offered her “onions, some peppers and lettuce in some bread.”

There was a separate line for fries, but the fries were sold at a drinks station so they just told us to cross over and get them since we’d already been in line for almost an hour at that point. Then somebody yelled at us for cutting the line lol

I got a chicken “sandwich” that was literally just a piece of fried chicken and two dry pieces of bread. No condiments, no lettuce, not even a slice of tomato.

So we paid €20 for some watermelon, fries, and a “chicken sandwich” that was so bad I almost cried.

There were a total of 2 trash bins on site I think and they were buried under mounds of rubbish so I’m not sure if there were actual bins or if people just decided for a communal spot.

As far as I know they were pretty good about handing out water and such in the afternoon, though the “free water” they advertised outside of the crowd at the stage wasn’t marked and pretty hard to find.

Before the show started, during “DJ” Carl Baracat or whatever his name was (he literally played the wildest mix of a playlist I’ve ever heard in my life. No mixing or anything. It was weird.)… I realised the heat was getting to me and I was feeling very thirsty so I asked for water from security and they told us they weren’t handing out any water until Louis got on stage. Essentially the message was “I’ll wait until you faint, even though you have time to access your needs right now and you won’t be able to once the main reason you’re all here is on stage”. I did get water half an hour later, during the second song or so.

After Louis’ set it was pretty quick to clear out and we were lucky enough to stay directly in Camaoire but @chaotic-bells has a story to tell about transport back to other towns nearby I think…

Maybe it comes from having worked in event management before, maybe it’s just my general virgo-ness and personality, but there were so many things that would’ve been so easy to solve on part of the venue and security and the organisers that I was just genuinely appalled at the lack of care.

So… I love Louis. I’m glad I was there for this and I got to see my friends. I’m glad I got to see the Blossoms live! They were awesome. The people were genuinely really nice! Louis was amazing as always. We got to hear Paradise and I know @fadeintolight lost her mind about that 😅 I got to hang out with @chickenstuffedwithmozzarella for the first time and it was awesome 🥰

I got to be at the beach with my girlfriend before the festival and then kiss her surrounded by lights. We got to leave our gay message for Louis. All is well in the end.

[sims2junkie]

Partiers

I have aging off for this household and only allow sims to move out and age normally when they've completed their LTW(s) or whatever I feel like.

From left to right, top to bottom

Namie - a very chill popularity sim who wants to have a good time and make loads of friends. her dream career is the culinary career. LTW: 20 best friends.

Vincenzo - very outgoing and loving, a romance sim but still very loyal and ultimately looking to settle down. LTW: 50 first dates.

Haji - the shyest member of the house, those around him would describe him more as an anomaly than a person. Zero survival instincts or sense of self preservation but manages to always stumble into just where he needs to be. Works as a psychic phone pal (All psychic information he claims to possess is purely vibe based and not accurate). LTW: eat 200 grilled cheeses.

Worm - Worm's a very lazy sim spends all day vegging out on the couch, somehow always got a job though. LTW: get promoted in 15 careers.

Veronica - in my mind the ultimate diva, someone who manages to be commanding and speak her mind in a very swift and eloquent manner that keeps the peace but still has people on their toes. LTW: throw 30 parties.

As sims complete their lifetime wants and such I'll probably move them out and switch them for other sims but for now this is the Partier household. Sorry if that was all worded really poorly I don't really come up with organised notes on my sims just think of it all on the fly 😭

[briefobservationdreamer]

Kingdom Hearts Characters: Xion

What I think of the character: Xion is a cute character and sweet kid, but she doesn't have much of a distinct identity. She shares a face with Naminé and Kairi, has the same origins as the Riku Replica and the same story as Roxas, and she doesn't really have much depth in the games. I get that that's kind of the point at the beginning, being a blank slate slowly gaining a personality and identity of her own, but she has a big disadvantage that stops her from really growing out of it like Roxas did, since Roxas is the main POV character with the most screentime. Xion has the least amount of screentime, taking the first third of the game to be part of the trio and spending most of the last third either running away or in a coma, and her dialogue doesn't reveal much about the kind of person she is. It's especially highlighted when compared to the people she shares the screen with - Axel, Roxas and Saïx - who are all very clearly defined and have enough depth to fill a whole character study essay. It's inefficient use of screentime that harms all of them. Without this, Xion becomes a plot device defined by how other people react to her - something for the two sides to use in their plots and for two popular male characters to chase after and angst over. I also kind of feel like the games try too hard to make you care for her and feel sorry for her in a way that feels quite manipulative and obnoxious, milking the angst for all its worth. I like her more in the manga and in fanfiction where she has more of a personality. A simple fix for this is to have Xion arrive on the scene sooner, have her and Roxas investigate their origins together when they get suspicious of Axel and she only goes with Riku (the Org would have drilled it in that he's the enemy to keep her and Roxas away from him) right at the end when she makes Axel cave in about the truth by reminding him that Roxas is in a coma because of this. That way, there's more screentime devoted to developing her personality and bond with Axel and especially Roxas.

Her particular traits as a replica are mixed. Xemnas using a replica to copy Sora makes a lot of sense. Everyone seeing her differently helps to explain Saïx's behaviour, but how would it go unnoticed by eight people for over a year and how could people like Xemnas, Vexen and Saïx expect her to pass as a Nobody with that in mind? Maybe instead they originally intended to use her like Riku Replica but she unexpectedly developed her own appearance and identity because the person she copied wasn't a complete person at the time, so they had no choice but to integrate her into the organisation and pretend she was like the other Nobodies, and Saïx would just be aware her appearance was just a kind of unfixed illusion (at least until she grows a heart of her own). The whole memory thing and being forgotten just seems like a very convenient and poorly justified way to write her thoroughly in and out of existence when the writers want and solve a problem that came from her being retconned into the series in the first place, and just artificially inflates the angst and melodrama even more.

I do like Xion herself, just not the writing surrounding her.

Headcannons: These are inspired by the manga.

Since the person Xion was originally meant to copy was not a complete person at the time with an intact heart, she never locked onto a particular identity to copy and absorb completely like the Riku Replica. As a result, she can copy anyone’s powers and weapons temporarily with some kind of trigger, and she prefers to do this by holding hands with the person she is replicating. It becomes easier, the effects more lingering, as she copies a particular power more frequently.

When she’s comfortable around someone, Xion expresses a lot of her affection physically with lots of nudges, cuddles and hand holding.

Has a fondness for animals in general no matter what they look like, especially dogs. Maybe she could bond with Isa over this, since it's a trait they both share?

Relationships:

Roxas and Lea/Axel: I have a couple of problems with the trio, and one of them is about what I said before. Xion doesn’t have a lot of depth, so her relationships can’t have much depth either. Without a enough of a distinct personality, a character can’t bounce off of other character’s personalities and develop a relationship with them. Xion has the least amount of screentime of the trio, doesn’t say much that tells a lot about her as a person, and isn’t involved in the more meaningful clocktower conversations. As a result, Roxas and Axel are the only ones who have any kind of chemistry. It’s especially lacking with Axel, and in fact it’s actually surprising how little direct screen-time they share together that doesn’t involve Axel keeping her in the Organisation in some way. I still like the idea a lot though, the dynamic can be pretty cute with Axel being like a big brother and I enjoy portrayals of them where Xion is more of a character.  

Isa/Saïx: These two are going to have quite a grace period to get through, but I imagine Isa is going to try and be so gentle with her after everything that happened. I headcannon that Saïx took her under his wing in the Real Organisation XIII, taught her how to fight with his claymore and use the Berserk form and the two eventually came to an understanding at least. I like the idea of them mending fences and him becoming a mentor/father/big brother figure eventually, once they’ve sorted everything out.

Hayner Pence and Olette: They have yet to share any screen time really, but they’d be good friends her age to hang out with and show her what normal teenagers are like.

[whitehartlane]

Honestly as an Asian Spurs fan, I've never been so turned off by the fanbase. Not you of course, but I'm seeing so much vitrol and callousness online that it makes me want to ignore Spurs entirely. Lots of "virtue signalling" and "get over it" and "actually, we're not as racist as Koreans" going around. Meanwhile, there's nowhere else in the world that Asians are so poorly treated as in Latin America and Europe. Sorry to vent in your inbox but I've been falling out of love with the fans due to the constant bitterness and this feels like a final blow.

hiiii anon!! i’m rly sorry that it’s come to this. i can completely understand the frustration that you feel and i wish you didn’t have to feel like this ☹️ feel free to ignore what i’m going to say next in case you just needed to vent (no need to apologise btw! you know i’m always open for this kind of stuff and am there to support you) and didn’t want my thoughts on this.

there comes a time as it is for every sort of ‘fandom’, for lack of a better word, where you’ve got to keep your peace. i experienced this in other circles where i was dealing with so much casual racism thrown about that it almost made me sour on the content i was consuming. how you do that is different for each person; personally i took a step back and discussed the content w close friends and curated my online experiences for it because i simply didn’t have the capacity to address it. and i feel that’s something that could help you too. you don’t have to be the one who fights these structures in football (and i feel this situation applies to all of football, not just any specific club or fanbase, and i think most would agree. it’s just happened to us now), there are organisations like kick it out that exist solely to call stuff like this out. football is heading towards a better place for sure, but i can, as i said, understand your feelings! i just want you to know that the loudest voices are usually the most negative and hateful ones, and that for every person chatting shit like that, there are at least five people who don’t believe it and are firmly on your side. i’m sending you all my love anon 🤍

[raytorosaurus]

listening to common existence all the way through for the first time and am experiencing promethean levels of repeatedly getting my dick blown clear off and regrowing it instantly because of tims tones and notes. why did no one tell me about this. all my life i've been deprived

oh my god. dude i wish i could listen again for the first time. common existence is their most tragically misunderstood album, it was a huge failure at the time and geoff took it very personally bc he was the creative driver of that album and insisted the guys should trust his judgement on it - he wanted to prove that thursday could write an experimental and musically + lyrically mature album while still being super heavy and dark, sound-wise. and it was received really poorly and their following tour had their worst turn-out ever (they'd got out of their major label contract and switched to an indie that "matched their values" but sonically they were a weird fit, and then they were headlining above bring me the horizon on taste of chaos which was just...unfortunate organisation, since they had almost no crossover in fans. some nights up to 80% of the crowd would leave before thursday's headlining set. when they talked to festivalgoers, they often found they were kids who'd never heard of thursday and assumed their name on the poster referred to the literal weekday.)

so basically that album was a really big risk and it did not pay off 😔😔. that's why geoff took a big step back when they were writing no devolucion - he was like i told them to trust me and it didn't work, so i'm sorta washing my hands of it and letting . now the thing is Geoff is an unreliable narrator and very self-critical, tom (lead guitarist) has said geoff has a misconception that he's more neurotic and controlling than anyone else on thursday, which he doesn't think is true. god this band is so messy. in his most recent podcast appearance geoff was like a lot of "our fans are starting to tell us now that common existence is our best record...but where were you guys back then :(" (the ":(" part was audible). :(. in that same episode he also said that "every time [thursday] would write together we'd do irreparable harm to each other...and we have seven records, so the scars run deep." yeah.

anyway sorry for rambling was this your last thursday record? or have you still got more to go? don't forget to check out their split with envy, it's definitely a pre-common existence of sorts. also waiting! their first album! if you like common existence and are used to geoff's voice i bet you'll get into waiting too :^D

[squirrelno2]

My Star Wars OCs: a comedic primer

if you’ve wandered here from ao3 you’ve probably encountered at least one of these people, but if you’ve found me through the vagaries of tumblr that is less likely so! Here is a list of my major ocs for your convenience for the next time I start going off about nothing whatsoever, organised by the story/universe they were introduced in:

Sometimes a Family Is verse

Ven/Shiny: she/her, Nautolan, Dogma’s adopted daughter. half-forgotten childhood trauma papered over with borrowed trauma from her family who spends most of her time clinging to anything clone-related that she can

Nalyan: he/him, human, totally not Dogma’s adopted son (he is they just don’t ever admit it). A poorly rested limp noodle of a person who is too busy doing bootleg medical research in the back of a beat up ship to go outside.

Clone Rebellion verse

Sneak: he/him, clone, formerly served under Krell [Sneak darling I’m so sorry]. puts up a very good front of being a cool collected criminal mastermind when on a con but also will jump off a bridge if you dare him to. as one does.

Nali: she/her, Twi’lek, smuggler/con artist. her soft spot for slaves and clones is a parsec wide, but also she’s usually the one daring Sneak to jump off a bridge

Nine: he/him, clone, still serving under Krell. baby Nine is a bundle of joy and every version of him after the first chapter is deeply deeply fucked, but that won’t stop him from also daring Sneak to jump off a bridge. while doing a flip.

Drum: he/him, clone, pilot in 327th. he likes music and singing and making way too astute observations about people, and is probably the only person on this list who doesn’t think people should be dared to jump off bridges. in general he's under the impression he's the smartest person in the room, and on rare occasions he's almost right.

Dead Brothers Rescue Coalition verse

Nel: she/he/they, clone, lieutenant in the Coruscant Guard. by circumstance they are a pencil-pusher and by passion they are a detective, but mostly they're just really bad at friendship. they make up for it with stubbornness.

Jesse Lives verse

Jale: he/him, theelin, scavenger freelance salvage worker. brightly coloured dipshit who loves his mother and has never effectively used a weapon in his life. preferred survival tactics are Talking Too Much and Being Useful, but also the first one tends to get him into trouble more than anything.

Time Slip verse

Arson: he/him, clone, maintenance on Kamino. absolutely full of little shit energy and voted most likely to commit the crime he’s named for. likes droids more than people, which considering the people he knows is absolutely fair.

Murder: he/they, clone, washed-up medic in training turned Kaminoan maintenance. would never ever hurt a fly but also spends most of their time making excuses for their more violent loved ones because ??? cognitive dissonance I guess.

Jaywalking: she/her, clone, maintenance on Kamino. knows all your secrets and is just trying to decide if she wants to blackmail you or kill you over them. the thing keeping her from doing the latter is usually the fact that Murder and Arson would be sad about it.

Other

Nobody: he/him, clone, ARC trooper who works almost exclusively with 212th. he is exactly as fucked up as his name implies, and also more so because his best friend used to be Slick. make of that what you will.

Pip: he/him, clone, 501st. a beautiful ray of sunshine who will see the worst person in the room, ask "is anyone gonna befriend them?" and not wait for an answer.

Roadkill: he/him, clone, 501st. the worst person in the room. really tired of Pip's shit.

Zeel: she/her, Rodian, doctor with a very very lapsed license. abrasive at the best of times, but also winner of the "Most Cameos in My Fics" award because she can't stop helping people. mostly clones. she's very annoyed about that fact, too.

Tayonissa "Tayo" Miran: she/her, Mirialan, Jedi. it's a good thing she doesn't exist because if she knew I was the one piling all this grief and trauma on her she would become very violent very fast. as it is she's just trying to pretend she's not super gay for her second-in-command.

Errol Dasa: he/him, Cathar, bounty hunter. he's got a sister and a space cat and a fundamental belief in the goodness of the universe, which leads most people to wonder why the hell he assaults, kidnaps, and kills people for a living. he doesn't see why it's weird.

More OCs can be found @shagpaboloutpost (clones) and @relevant-url-incoming (SWTOR)

[casspurrjoybell-19]

Does it Matter? - Chapter 48 - Part 1

*Warning: Adult Content*   

When they headed downstairs, they found Dara and Bug sitting on a sofa that leant back against the side of the staircase in the foyer.

Bug had his eyes shut and his head resting on Dara's shoulder.

When Dara spotted them, he ran a hand over Bug's hair and murmured something to him.

Bug's dark eyes blinked open and he covered a yawn with the back of his hand.

He looked so exhausted.

The half-formed plans in Brayan's mind fell apart and immediately started to rearrange themselves.

"Bug," Brayan said.

"Why don't we go back out to the stables and take another look at your horse?"

Bug's eyes locked on Brayan's, then flicked to Maric before landing back on Brayan, a question in them.

It was Maric who answered it.

"He's yours. You deserve nice things, Bug."

"Thank you, Your Highness," Bug murmured, eyes aimed at Maric's collarbone.

He sounded like he might cry.

Dara helped Bug up and then headed straight for Maric's side.

They were both smiling as Maric wrapped an arm around Dara's back.

Brayan had to fight the urge to just pick Bug up in his arms and carry him as they headed outside.

He was so frail, so tired.

He perked up once they were inside the stables and he saw the horse again, though.

"Are you sure he understood which horse it was?" Bug asked.

"Did you tell him it was Luce's brother?"

"Bug, don't insult me," Brayan said.

"I know how to convey a simple message."

Bug ducked his head.

"Sorry, sir."

"Don't do that, either," Brayan told him.

"What will you name him?"

Bug ran his fingers over text carved into the front of the horse's stall.

"He already has a name. Laurent."

"You can change it if you prefer a different one."

Bug shook his head.

"No. That's his name. I won't take his name from him."

"Hmm."

Brayan stroked Laurent's nose.

"Are you going to go back to going by Baugh in Ticia?"

"I hadn't given it much thought," Bug admitted.

"I suppose so. It would feel odd to ask my family to call me anything else but... I don't hate Bug like you might expect. I'll probably keep it as a nickname."

"Mmm, okay," Brayan said.

"Do you mind if I take Laurent out for a quick ride around the grass?"

Bug turned his head and met Brayan's gaze.

He had such full eyelashes, such intense eyes and on the rare occasion he looked directly at Brayan, it was always so hard to resist the urge to reach out and touch him.

"Do I mind, sir?"

"He's your horse. Even Maric would ask permission before riding someone else's horse. He doesn't have to, of course but it's basic manners."

"I'm still a slave right now," Bug murmured.

"Yes, of course you can ride him."

Brayan entered the stall and started saddling Laurent.

Everything about him, both in terms of appearance and nature, reminded Brayan of Luce.

Perfect in every way and he knew it.

Bug was smiling as Brayan came back around.

"He's so pretty."

Brayan found himself returning the smile.

"Pretty? A horse like this is beautiful, Bug."

"Yes, of course. I hope he likes me. I'm glad horse's don't understand status because if they did, he would know he was too good for me."

"Don't be tiresome, Bug," Brayan said as he dismounted next to him.

Bug dropped his head and said nothing and Brayan immediately felt bad.

He hadn't meant anything by it, only that he wished Bug didn't think so little of himself.

That was unreasonable, of course.

Nobody could be expected to spend over two years being treated so poorly and then simply shrug it off.

"I have things yet to organise but you look tired," Brayan said.

"Let's go upstairs and I'll stay with you a while until you get off to sleep."

Bug looked up at him, trying to read Brayan's intentions from his face.

He nodded.

[bisognamorire]

Beloved A.,

Happy Friday!

Up here you see a few photos I took this week. I had wanted to arrange them separately but I can’t find the strength to organise this post much (sorry, its all over the place). The felted bunnies made me think of you and I wanted to get one for you but I am not supposed to. The candles are in the religious mourning room. It is located adjoined to the front hall where my reception is, so during nightshifts I go to lay down in there and try to rest a bit (theres a bench). I often get mentally unwell around 2-3 AM during my nightshifts. Everything just gangs up to torture me. The melon bread was disgusting. The highlight of my week was to go to the lake after my first nightshift and feed the ducks and swans some sunflowerseeds.

This week I tried different methods to stop myself from dissociating. And it worked most of the time. Once the numbness of dissociation fell away, though, I dissolved into tears; when I took a walk around the lake, when I sat in public transport, when I was at work, when I woke up in the morning, when I sat in the living room. I’m always in tears.

Always, Dad and you. Dad and you.

I think feeling how much it hurts me to have lost the both of you is still better than to dissociate and feel nothing.

Theres a scene in One Piece after the Wa no Kuni Arc where Momonosuke runs to the shore to bid the Strawhats Farewell as they leave the island. He sobs and begs them to stay and not leave him like a toddler. I felt like him in that scene this past week.

On Saturday, when I felt like I would get ill, I went to the city to eat chicken soup in an asian diner that I used to go to when I started uni in 2017. It usually helped me to get strong again. Unfortunately they’ve been closed for some reason for many months now. I then went to have soup at an other asian diner, it was only 2€ and the people probably thought I was homeless (I looked rather dishevelled and done with life) because they gave me a relatively large bowl and lots of vegetables.

It does wonders for your soul to eat a hearty soup when you’re feeling poorly.

On Sunday I visited Marina, Sharon’s friend (well, our childhood friend). She broke up with her boyfriend of seven years recently. We talked about a lot of topics like identity, mothers, parental emotional neglect and abandonment. She told me that she just hangs with random people because shes so lonely (she lives in another state and we can’t easily visit her) and she takes whatever company she can get so that she is distracted and that she doesn’t really like the girls she goes out to party with. That she thinks theyre rather shallow contacts. Its hard when someone doesn’t have a social network that breaks their fall and the person has to carry all of it themselves. We ended up just talking and we watched an episode of ‘Bodies’ on Netflix. Its a murder mystery show.

I started crying when I got back home from that visit. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and sad about everything around me and in my own life.

Other than that I’ve not done much this week other than work (when I work nightshifts and get home from work at 7 AM in the morning there’s really not much of me left to use for anything during the day) and sleep and rot in bed due to feeling terrible. Unfortunately my shift schedule continues to be awful the next days and I’m thinking about calling in sick soon. I desperately need to rest.

Someone put a nail in my bike tire (the one you rode) and I brought it upstairs from the bike cellar to my balcony to repair it. I curse the person who deliberately put a nail in it.

During my walk through the city I also went to a pakistani store and saw this! I remember you cracking up about it in F.

How was that in 2022? I seem to have no general sense of time passing the entirety of 2023. After dad died in June, I have no recollection of time passing.

This morning I saw mum for the first time in about a month? I felt unsettled by my therapist talking to me in detail about my cycle of dissociation and what harm it brings to myself and the relationships to other people around me, because I apparently perceive reality fragmented, or selective, when I am dissociated (which I am most of the time). I‘m horrified to see the mechanisms of my brain play out in these ways, that I don‘t want.

My mother asked me how I was but she hadnt in weeks (she simply started an argument and left me when I was so unwell because of things between us a few weeks ago). I couldn‘t tell her. What use has it? She can‘t handle me feeling unwell and things will only get worse, if I tell her.

Unfortunately, not telling her how I am was also a wrong decision. She started accusing me of not actually wanting to see her and why am I pulling auch a depressed face and won‘t talk to her?!

Then she defended my older brother and his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my niece) and basically said that its my niece‘s own fault that her mother treats her badly. I can‘t believe how this cycle of parental neglect and abuse continues into the next generations, just because the adults in the child‘s life are irresponsible and egoistic. And I‘m sitting there with over 10 years of therapy, because of how my mum and dad were and my mother still defends other neglectful and abusive parents’ behaviour!

I couldn‘t bear it anymore and just got up without a word, paid (was cussed out by a grandma in the process) and left.

I don’t have much things to look forward to. I ordered a weighted blanket to help my sleep without medication. I also got a package of Palo Santo incense, which makes my flat smell cosy when I take naps.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and work through until next Wednesday and I’m thinking about calling in sick on Monday.

I felt miserable looking at your blog yesterday and seeing that you wish to experience ‚it‘ again, that you post about ‚letting love in again‘ I am not sure what you meant by that but my mind makes me think you‘re wishing to fall in love again…

How many times can I feel like I am losing the same person over and over again? I’m scared to look at your blogs now. I wish I could see something and know that you miss me and that you love me forever and be content and never look it up again.

Yesterday I went to the cellar and rummaged in your box. I found a transcript of the first ‚goodbye‘ Message you sent me in January 2023. I knew it was there. In it, you don‘t avoid telling me that you love me (I felt like your message from this January avoided using the word ‚love’ and it made me anxious about the reasons). I heard your voice say the words to me then and I started crying and breaking down in the cellar, my knees just gave in.

All that rumination about me being abandoned is probably not helping my mental wellbeing. Spending hours and days composing these entries and not knowing if they ever reach you, is also playing into this.

I don‘t know what to do, I am so so sad about it all, I just feel like giving up everything and letting go of life.

My sole hope is that I feel a bit better when it gets warmer, so that I can lay in the meadow with the sun on my skin, with the treetops swaying in the wind.

I don’t have much hope other than that.

Your Sabo who loves you.