#hope and despair worsties trio

[suitov]

"Repeat after me."

"Repeat after me."

"Not tha... never mind. Repeat from this point on, and you don't need to use my voice if you don't want to: I am Izuru Kamukura."

"I am Izuru Kamukura."

"I was created in a lab..."

"I was created in a lab."

"...but that doesn't make me an evil monster."

"But that doesn't make me an evil monster."

"That stuff's only true in stories."

"That stuff is only true in stories."

"The real Izuru is smart and sarcastic and polite and gentle,"

"The Izuru I allow you to see is smart and sar--"

"Hey!"

"Yes."

"You are those things!"

"I am also quite evil."

"But you're not... I know you're not. Not truly inside, even if you pretend sometimes."

"If I had emotions, that would offend me, and then I would have to create an evil scheme to enact disproportionate retribution."

"Your last 'evil scheme of retribution' was giving Junko new shoes."

"Yes. And it drove her into fits of rage."

"She smiled and thanked you! She wears them like once a week!"

"And she hates it. She cannot let me know I won, but she was furious all the same."

"But... why would she be furious?"

"They were exactly the type of boots she loves."

"Izuru, you're not making sense."

"It was a precision act of kindness that is glass shards under her skin. She knows I did it to infuriate her. She knows nobody else knows that, not even you. Most of all, she knows she cannot reciprocate the gift because there is nothing I desire."

"Izuru, you're teasing me again. This is another 'some cranes have three legs but they keep two hidden' incident. Annoying each other by being nice is too silly, even for you guys' habit of overcomplicating things."

"You can feel pleased with yourself. I have learned much from your niceness lessons."

"I didn't teach you things just so you could use them to annoy our friend!!"

"No. I did that for extra credit."

"Haah... well, still. Whatever stories you need to tell yourself to justify doing anything nice, I'm still going to think of you as a good person."

"..."

"What?"

"You would be extremely good at infuriating Junko."

[suitov]

He can't smile.

I was taught that tongue-rolling was genetically determined. Biology lessons LIED TO ME! It's possible to learn to roll your tongue, at least in some cases.

Izuru, with his grubby teenage hands stuffed in his mouth trying to make his tongue do the thing by physical force: I muft be pewfec. Muft pewfec aw dhe tawentf. Makoto: D-did you wash your hands fir-- Izuru: I uved han fanitiver. Makoto: ICK??? Junko, swigging it from the bottle: what

(Weep in despair at the ❁worstest, most awful, most dysfunctional friendship in human history❁: hope and despair worsties trio)

Hey weird idea but how funny would it be if Izuru couldn’t whistle and this is discovered when he is hanging out with junko and makoto in that one au you are doing where they are all friends

(I think actually @suitov is the one with the AU where they're friends. Although, I have a lot of AU's, so it probably happens somewhere in one of them, lol.)

It would definitely be very cute if there was a super minor thing that he just couldn't do. Like, if he can't roll his tongue or snap his fingers. That's hilarious. "Izuru can do everything. Except whistle. Izuru can't whistle."

[suitov]

Junko: I just think it's more gender-affirming if I call you "it".

Makoto: Does h... does Izuru want to be called that?

Izuru: I never gave any indication to the effect.

Junko: You didn't have to, baby!

Izuru: To be unambiguous: I do not. w. It is not. Optimal.

Makoto: It's ok, Izuru, you can do it!

Izuru: I do not. Care to resume being called "it".

Junko: Spoken like an itty bitty baby!

Makoto: Resume?

Izuru: I have sensitive hearing and remain semi-conscious even while asleep.

Makoto: Um, what does...? Wait, you mean people called you...? In the Project?!

Junko: Makes sense. If you dehumanised your subject in every other way, might as well call it what it is.

Izuru:

Makoto: That doesn't mean you should join in, Junko. As his friend, you're way better than those people.

Junko: Obviously I'm orders of magnitude better than any people you can name, but you actually think I'd be above mistreating Izzypumpkin?

Izuru: I am not a pumpkin.

Junko: You're a man-made gourd.

Izuru: Pun. :)

Makoto: Yes, Junko, of course you're better than that.

Junko: Ha~!

Makoto: You're a trend-setter, so why would you go and do something a bunch of old guys already did?

Junko:

Junko:

Junko: Shit. You have a point.

Izuru: Anyway, "he" is acceptable. I had not given any thought to trying others.

Makoto: Any time you want to, just let us know.

Junko: (I still can't believe Naegi scored a point on me. Naegi.)

Izuru: Punpkin.

[suitov]

Izuru: Out of boredom, I have decided to try being nice.

Makoto: That's great, Izu...

Makoto: (Although... is it really great if it's out of boredom?)

Makoto: I'm going with: that's great, Izuru!

Junko: You JUST called me an unimaginative valley girl stereotype the second before you went to help Naegi up!

Izuru: My past is not today.

Junko: Your past is literally a minute ago!

Izuru: Makoto will teach me how to be nice.

Makoto: I'll... eh?!

Izuru: Junko, given your self-confessed lack of talent in that area,

Junko: I just said it was boring, not that I can't fake it!

Izuru: you may join the lesson if you wish.

Makoto: And... I'm supposed to teach that lesson?

Izuru: Yes. I have assessed the population of this institution and you are the best qualified.

Makoto: I'm...?

Makoto: Wait, are you claiming I'm the nicest person here?!

Izuru: Not claiming. Stating objectively, following empirical research.

Junko: izzy you are so gay

Makoto: Well... I'm not sure I can really be described that way, but... since you're placing this much faith in me, I'll definitely give it my all!

Junko: naegay you are so gi

Izuru: This is correct. I shall learn Ultimate Being Nice and prove my instructors wrong.

Makoto, scratching his cheek nervously: Ah... aha... well, let's do our best and I'm sure we'll get along!

Izuru: Junko, will you join the study group of niceness?

Junko: Are you actually kidding me I wouldn't miss this train wreck for all the scrunchies in Shibuya

Junko: There's like no homework, though, is there?

Makoto: I-I haven't thought that far yet!

Junko: Eh, I'll just make Mukie do it.

[suitov]

Izuru: I expect you are wondering why I invited you both here today.

Makoto: Oh! I thought it was just because you wanted to hang out and have fun!

Izuru: Yes, it was that.

Junko: What.

Makoto: That's cute, Izuru!

Izuru: No, it is evil.

Junko: Are you serious?!? I've been driving myself up the wall trying to figure out what possible plan involves a cinema, a cat café and an arcade, and you literally invited us because you hate us?

Izuru: Like you.

Makoto: You mean he likes us.

Junko: No, he doesn't feel positive emotions of any kind.

Izuru: But I do quite like being friends with you...

Junko: You take that back right now, Kamukura.

Makoto: What's wrong with Izuru having friends?

Junko: It's not in my concept! It's terrible! The aesthetic is ruined!

Izuru: I am holding Makoto up like baby Simba. That is the new aesthetic.

Makoto: Um...

Junko: And his freaking shoe fell off. Just, of course it did.

Makoto: It does that no matter how well I tie it...

Izuru: I don't want to put him down.

Junko: Put him down oh my god. The freaky concession stand incel is looki-- Naegi why are you waving at him?!?

Makoto: Just being friendly... thanks, Izuru. I swear, I've changed the laces on this thing twice and it still...

Junko: I can't take you two anywhere. And as for you, Izuru! How could you let Naegi corrupt you with his huggies and wuv? You're supposed to hate life!

Izuru: I'll find things to hate for you later.

Junko: At least flip off the popcorn guy.

Izuru: That is a good way to get something nasty in your popcorn.

Makoto: Can we get popcorn? I want popcorn!

Izuru: Only if you and Junko sit on opposite sides of me.

Makoto: Wh... what does that have to do with popcorn?

Izuru: She is planning to slap the bottom of your carton.

Junko: Don't just TELL him!!

Makoto: :O

Makoto: >:O

Makoto: Junko, that's mean!

Izuru: Being friends with you both is presenting unforeseen challenges.

[suitov]

Izuru: Have you ever decided to try being nice out of boredom?

Junko: Hell no?? There are so many ways to be a bitch and only one way to be nice.

Izuru: I see.

Junko: You're lucky I'm here to guide you.

Izuru: So a lack of imagination is the issue.

Junko: EXCUSE MY FUCKING TITS?

Izuru: ...your imagination is in your breasts?

Junko: No, but sometimes it lingers on yours.

Izuru: I have decided to be nice as an experiment.

Junko: It's failing.

Izuru: Starting after this conversation.

Makoto: Oh hi, guys, what's OOF

[suitov]

Junko: Will you stop pounding at my door, you fuggin' stalker perv?

Junko: Aaaaaand it's you two. Figures.

Izuru: We are here to abduct you for friendship.

Makoto: Izuru, don't put it like that!

Makoto: We're here to persuade you--

Izuru: By force.

Makoto: --BY ASKING.

Junko: [almost-snort]

Makoto: You've been sad lately and we don't think you've been outside in days and we're here to invite you--

Izuru: Compulsorily.

Makoto: Izuru.

Izuru: What?

Makoto: I'm not sure that's, well, helping.

Izuru: You will come with us to the shopping district at once.

Junko: You're...

Makoto: He means please, Junko.

Junko: ...taking me shopping?! 🤩

Izuru: It is a mercy mission. Your scrunchie game is pathetic and it is beyond time you stepped it up.

Makoto: (Izuru, be nice!) We brought snacks!

Junko: You guys! 🥹

Makoto: Uh, uh! Snacks after you come outside!

Junko: Give me ten minutes to get virgin-slayingly gorgeous and let's fucking go.

Makoto: Yay!

Izuru: Makoto will not be paying for your purchases.

Junko: Lol loser we'll seeeee--

Makoto: Aw! She looks much happier! We're doing a good thing, Izuru!

Izuru: If you say so.

[suitov]

Makoto: Um, Izuru, about what we were talking about before...

Izuru: I will create a new cultivar and name it after you.

Makoto: What? No... I mean, before, when I asked you if Junko is a good person and you said...

Izuru: I said "Do you want to believe she is?" and you responded "Of course I want to believe the best about my friends!" and I said "Junko is a good person".

Makoto: Yeah. That...'s been bothering me.

Izuru: No bother. Out of all humans nearby, it is you to whom I am the least reluctant to talk.

Makoto: E-eh?!

Makoto: I - I mean...! I meant to ask! Um. Did you say that before because Junko really is a good person, or because it was what I wanted to hear?

Izuru: Do you w--

Makoto: I want you to tell me the truth.

Izuru: Understood. Then, because it was what you wanted to hear.

Makoto: Oh...

Makoto: So you don't... actually think she's a very nice person...?

Izuru: I have difficulty with the concept of nice. People tell me that frequently.

Makoto: I just... well, she can say mean stuff, but I thought it's because she has no filter and she doesn't think sometimes.

Izuru:

Makoto: Or it could be stress, right? She has all that pressure from modelling.

Izuru:

Makoto: It's not like she could be a bad person. She's just misguided.

Izuru: Misguided?

Makoto: You know! Hanging out with the wrong influences. Picking up bad habits. Yeah.

Izuru: Wrong... influences...

Makoto: That's why--! It's our job to help her be better! As her friends, we can show her the right path.

Izuru: Have you ever tried to get Junko to do anything she does not want to?

Makoto: We're her friends. She'll listen to us.

Izuru: In more locations than you realise.

Makoto: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.

Izuru: Are you?

Makoto: Yeah. You're nice to talk to, Izuru. :)

Izuru: Your voice also provides a range of frequencies to which I have become accustomed.

Makoto: Um, you...

Makoto: Y-you're cute when you're a dork!

Makoto, running away: BYE NOW oof I'm okay I'm okay BYE

Izuru:

[suitov]

Junko: It should be legal to murder your sister.

Izuru: Don't murder Mukuro.

Makoto: Who would want to kill their sister? Sisters are great!

Junko: Oh please, like you never fight with Kotatsu.

Makoto: Komaru. And I've never wanted to kill her! I can't even stand seeing her hurt!

Izuru: What does one do with a sibling?

Makoto: Eh? I don't know. Normal stuff. Hang out, help with her homework, check her room for ghosts, lend each other your manga.

Junko: Help train her dodge reflex.

Makoto: Just whatever you'd do with a friend if they also lived with you, I guess?

Izuru:

Izuru: If Junko lived with me,

Izuru:

Izuru: I suppose they would have to allow things in the room then.

Makoto: What do you mean?

Izuru: Junko uses makeup and eats snacks, so they would have to vary their no-possessions rule.

Izuru: Junko, do you want to enact the human sleepover ritual.

Junko: Kamukura! I can't believe you're asking me to spend the night in your bed! You dirty dog!

Izuru: The sheets are cleaned daily. Would you prefer to bring your own?

Makoto: Wait, wait, you're not allowed possessions? In your room?

Izuru: I might have drawn on the walls once.

Junko: Drawn what?

Izuru: Avian selection.

Junko: Draw dicks next time.

Makoto: You're not allowed possessions?

Izuru: I don't really need anything. I cannot see in absolute darkness, so I couldn't read anyway, unless it were Braille.

Junko: Darkness...?

Makoto: Darkness?!

Izuru: Well, yes, they leave the lights off because I can manage without...

Makoto: I'm going in there and I'm gonna tell them off so bad!

Junko: I should've broken in there before...

Izuru: But it's fine. I can use echolocation to navigate when necessary.

Makoto: That's not the point!!

Junko: I wouldn't even keep Mukuro in those conditions, dude.

Izuru: Mukuro is a person. Of course she has different care requirements.

Makoto, nearly sobbing: YOU'RE a person!

Junko: ...I mean, Mukie's kind of a person, but mostly a pathetic virgin...

[suitov]

Proper authority

Izuru: My teachers called me in today.

Makoto: They're not teachers, Izuru. I've never seen them lead a class.

Junko: Us mere mortals barely see them at all. It took me weeks to find out their home addresses.

Izuru: I am to call them teachers. I am to pay attention to everything they tell me.

Makoto: I don't like those guys...

Izuru: I have no emotions about them. Anyway, they called me in, lectured me once again on standards of conduct and reminded me that I was created to serve.

Junko: Yass, bitch, you serve so much of it.

Izuru: I am not a bitch.

Junko: Nice try, but I've talked to you before.

Makoto: You don't have to do everything they say, Izuru.

Junko: You really don't. You got waaaaay too much potential to waste on that hope bullshit.

Makoto: Hope isn't bu-- nonsense! You just need to remember, Izuru, that some of the things you hear don't... aren't necessarily hope, even if they've got Hope in their name.

Izuru: Like me.

Makoto: No, that's wrong. You can be hopeful, Izuru -- you give me hope!

Izuru: Junko, he is doing the thing and making me feel sensations again.

Makoto: Wh-what "thing"?

Izuru: The smile thing.

Makoto: Oh, uh...

Junko: Gross. Stop being gay, both of you.

Makoto: Can't cuz I'm bi aaaand cuz you're not the boss of me.

Junko: Hey look, a worm!

Makoto: Dfffth! Junko, don't grab at my tongue! Your nails would probably really hurt!

Junko: I don't file them to points just for show, dummy~!

Izuru: If I were to paint my nails would it please my teachers?

Junko: YES

Makoto: N...no, I don't think it would...

Izuru:

Makoto: Which means we definitely need to do it!

Junko: Finally someone's talking sense around here. Get served, fogies!

[suitov]

Junko: Get lost, Naegi. You're violating my boundaries.

Makoto: Oh?! I'm - I'm sorry!

Junko: Get back here, Kamucandy.

Izuru: Not against your boundaries?

Junko: Mhm. I decided I'm only associating with hot people now.

Izuru: Oh. Then you want Kiyotaka and Mondo, not me.

Junko: Captain Beetlebrow and Buttered Corncob? That's your idea of handsome?

Izuru: I have no opinion on handsome. You will find them in the sauna.

Junko: Hey! Get back here!

Junko:

Junko: (Pool area? In this eyeliner?)

Junko:

Junko: Good news, you two. I changed my boundaries again. You can speak to me.

Makoto: Uh, ok?

Izuru: Now she is back to associating with cool people.

Junko: YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL?

Makoto: You... think I'm cool? 🥺

[suitov]

Junko: So here we are again. In a deadly standoff, again.

Izuru: It seems so.

Junko: The three of us locked in mortal psychological combat, each sizing up the other two, unwilling to initiate hostilities...

Izuru: ...Yet prepared to retaliate the moment either of the other two reaches.

Makoto: Guys, we can just order more dough balls!

Junko: A deadly stance, a deadly poise. A deadly tension, a deadly heat.

Makoto: M-miss, please can I order another plate of dough balls? Um, as quick as you can?

Izuru: A deadly ice in the eye, a deadly curl in the lip.

Junko: A deadly carb, a deadly garlic.

Izuru: A deadly human experiment, a deadly flick knife you just palmed out of your handb--

Makoto: Actually, miss, please take this one away and then bring us some more.

Waitress: Sure thing, honey.

Junko & Izuru: HEY!

Makoto: No heys! You two need to learn to behave!

Izuru: But we w--

Makoto: Uh uh!

Junko: But the parm--

Makoto: Behave!

Junko: >:(

Izuru: :|

Makoto: I am not getting banned from another restaurant.

Junko: [aggrieved SIGH]

Makoto: I like it here and I'd like to come back.

Izuru: [building a bread stick sculpture]

Makoto: That better not be any kind of siege weapon.

Izuru: ...it is not.

Makoto: Either I'm learning to read faces or you're a terrible liar.

Junko: So~! Who's getting dessert? Kamu, order the tiramisu so I can have half.

Izuru: Order it for yourself if you want it.

Junko: Booze and desserts taste better stolen.

Izuru: That is illogical.

Junko: No, it's proven fact.

Makoto: I'm never going to have a normal meal with you two, am I?

Izuru: No.

[suitov]

Junko at this point just sick of it and abandoning subtlety

Junko: Which of us would you kiss on the mouth if you had to to save their life?

Makoto: Like giving them mouth-to-mouth?

Junko: No like first base you dildo head.

Izuru: Why would anyone select dare in the first place?

Junko: Because I'm so sexy. Now answer the question.

Mikan: ,,,p-please dsn't say me,,,,,

Izuru: To save your lives, I would kiss any of you. I would be as polite as possible about it, Mikan.

Mikan: ,,,,,,idotnt csll tyht mslm wkw sokidsrty,,,,,,

Makoto: Why would that save--

Junko: A gunman has you at gunpoint and he's a massive perv now stop overthinking it and pick dare so I can send you into the junior dorms already

Makoto: Oh, truth!

Mikan: ,,,,npbpdys' pickrd dsre yetit's bneen ljie ten rsnds,,

Junko: Yeah, you're right, babe. Y'all DO know the point of this game, right?

Izuru: You said it is called truth or dare. You said it was every player's choice.

Junko: only if you're not a godsdamn BABY about it

Makoto: But I... just really like getting the questions right...

Junko: Fine. Your question is, why do you keep looking away and blushing when Izuru glances at you?

Makoto: I-I choose dare

Junko: I dare you to tell me why you keep looking away and blushing when Izuru glances at you.

Makoto:

Mikan: ,,,,,,,gsy,,,,,

[suitov]

Makoto: Thank gods you were there. I wouldn't have known what to do.

Izuru: Your first two suggestions were sensible, if poorly organised.

Makoto: They were? I don't... remember what I said. I was so panicked.

Izuru: You said "Oh no, Junko! Check her pulse! Get help!"

Makoto: Oh, haha.

Makoto:

Makoto: Is... my voice really that high?

Izuru: I am an Ultimate Voice Actor, Mimic, Impostor, Actor--

Makoto: Sorry, sorry, I wasn't questioning your powers.

Izuru: I was not offended.

Makoto:

Makoto: She's... she's really heavy, huh...

Izuru: I can carry her on my own.

Makoto: But I want to help! It's all my fault!

Izuru: In a sense. Your ill luck was involved.

Makoto: Normally I just get some cut or scrape or the bus drives past me or... I've never... seen someone else get hurt...

Izuru: I will carry her. Dry your eyes.

Makoto, blowing nose: Phhhsssbbbpt... sorry... but I'm glad you were there. I knew you'd know what to do. Things're less scary with you around.

Izuru: I am actually very scary and also evil.

Makoto:

Makoto: Yyyyeah.

Makoto: But, even i... even though that's true, if you're with us, then the scary person is on our side! So that's less scary in itself.

Izuru: I see. Mentally assigning me to your in-group permits you to overlook my overwhelming threat level because, to your mind, that threat is directed outward. In this way, pack mentality adds to your false sense of security. Perhaps this is how all real people cope with my presence.

Makoto: You're real people, Izuru.

Izuru:

Junko: Oh my GOD will you just KISS already I've been faking unconsciousness for TWELVE MINUTES!!

Makoto: Junko! Are you okay?!

Izuru: Yes, she has been fine this entire time.

Makoto:

Izuru: She was pretending.

Makoto: A...and you knew?

Izuru: I did not wish to spoil the funny prank.

Makoto: That's not a funny prank!

Junko: Excuse the fuck out of me your face is hilarious this was the best prank.

Makoto: I was afraid you were brain damaged and dead!!

Izuru: She is not dead.

Junko: Listen, if you're so excitable you didn't realise the thing missed me by inches, that's not my fault.

Izuru: The prank is concluded now, yes?

Junko: Since you dense dodos wouldn't frigging make out, yeah.

Izuru: Then I shall put you down.

Junko: I didn't say you could put me down.

Makoto: You both have terrible senses of humour.

Junko: Don't be bitter just cos you didn't think of making him carry you too.

[suitov]

Izuru: And then she called me anime.

Makoto: Oh. Yeah, she does that to me too.

Izuru: Does she?

Makoto: Yeah. Did she call you Little Miss Shoujo Protagonist and pat your head?

Izuru: I do not let her touch me.

Izuru: ...shoujo?

Makoto: Yeah, she says it every time I remind my classmates that the power of friendship can overcome all odds.

Izuru: Have you tried befriending a lottery ticket?

Makoto: That's a mean and cynical thing to say.

Izuru: Yes.

Makoto: ...I do kind of want to apologise to the scratched-off cards for throwing them out, though...

Izuru:

Izuru: It is very confusing being friends with you both.

[suitov]

Junko: I have the power of Satan and anime on my side.

Izuru: Please do not call me that.

Junko: Sorry, dude, you're anime.

Ryota: You're so anime.

Izuru: What?

Mukuro: You're really anime.

Ryota: Ultra shounen...

Izuru: I do not understand.

Junko: Claaaassic shounen protagonist~!