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everafterkeiji · 3 years ago

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hellooo can i request chifuyu & baji baking with their s/o? :] (btw love ur writing!<3)

hai haiii~ THIS IS SO WHOLESOME FEJNDKW fr i want to experience this with them so thank u for loving my work and requesting mwah stay safe always babee and have an amazing day (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ this was also unexpectedly long im so sorry also not proofread

𝐁𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐒/𝐎

PAIRINGS: Baji & Chifuyu x gn! reader

GENRE: FLUFF TO THE GODS, humor

♡ 𝐁𝐀𝐉𝐈 would've 100% suggested this because you two were home alone and he decides how saving it is if you just baked the cake instead of buying it from the store. So he's dragging you to the kitchen, skimming through his mom's cabinets while you have little to no idea what you even wanted to bake.

"Are you sure you want a cake? What are we celebrating anyway?"

"We can celebrate our monthsary!"

"Kei, can you tell me what monthsary it is?"

"Unnecessary question—let's bake!"

- You two finalized on brownies because if you were to be realistic, his mom wasn't a fond of buying that much cake products so you had to settle with the chocolates she left for Baji. You insisted to check everything on the box while your boyfriend was the one who was grabbing the ingredients with every word you said.

- You were also looking through your phone for whatever else you had to have but it seems like their recent stock for groceries was perfect for this. While you got the butter from their refrigerator, you reached for the bowl to your right and you noticed how Baji was silent.

"Babe? Where-" You turned your body to be welcomed by your boyfriend wearing an apron with his arms up to support him right before he can tie his hair while he held a hairtie to his mouth which knocks the breath out your lungs as you stared at him. He looks at you with a smile, grabbing the elastic from his mouth.

"Do you wanna give me a hand?" He asks and you could only give a nod, wrapping your arms to his neck so you can tie his hair while you stood in front of him. He watches how you gather his locks, making sure it's all going to be caught in his tie and Baji out of his likeness to you, places a peck to your nose. You stopped your actions to look at how proud he looked before grinning on your own, finished that you put his hair in a low bun.

"Do I look handsome?"

"As always, Baji."

- You start to put the cocoa powder in the bowl with him clinging to your waist from behind. It was distracting to say the least—having someone that good looking while you worked is definitely a challenge.

"Can you get me some eggs? I need four." You asked him while he goes out to give them to you, looking like your little servant but he's just too happy to be there and act lazy when quality time is all that he's been looking for recently.

"I have to preheat the oven, you can start breaking the eggs and I'll melt the butter."

"Sure thing." He comments then you separated from him just for you both to work on your own orders.

You placed the spatula on the counter, placing the bowl of butter to the microwave and when you turn around, your boyfriend hands were busy from the eggs he held.

"Kei, what's with that hold on the spoon? Are you gonna murder all four of them?" You chuckled, seeing how he had the spoon in hand as if it was a weapon, possibly a bat just for him to beat it. You covered your mouth to stifle a laugh at how he stood conflicted knowing it was what you wanted him to do.

"Was I.. wrong?"

"Babe, the shells are gonna crash onto the mix and I don't think we're gonna like extra crunchy brownies. "

- As you cut open the flour, that's where the first wave of chaos begins when Baji missed the measuring cup from how close he was paying attention to making sure he actually hit the right amount which led to the powder to land on the counter and you two share a glance knowing exactly what it meant for the two of you.

"YOUR MOM'S GONNA KILL ME."

"NOT IF SHE GOES FOR ME FIRST."

- Out of panic even if you two were well aware how she was going to come home late, you two tried to make it look as spotless as before so none of your heads would get caught off by her. If anything, meeting his mom was amazing but it doesn't erase the tiny fear to see her get mad at him.

"Okay, I think we got that-" Turning to your boyfriend, you were face to face with a whiff of powder as Baji blew it to your direction and you merely blinked at how slow your senses were to react to even dodge. The flour decorates your forehead, down to your nose then to your lips while the conniving bastard lets out a cuss before he's off his feet to escape your reign of terror while you grabbed a handful of the flour on the counter, running to catch up to him, furious at how the powder got to your nose and it was bothering you to a immense level.

"BAJI, GET YOUR STUPID ASS HERE."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GETTING STONED."

"I DID NOT."

- In defeat and not wanting to leave any more trails of irresponsibility, you resorted to wash your face and Baji laughs at how you stopped chasing him. You returned to your station while he sits in front of you, his chin to his palm as he stares at you.

"Are you done with your silent treatment?" He mocks, implementing how your expressions miserably failed to read what you were supposed to feel. You scrunched your nose, rubbing the tip of it, sending him a tiny message at how the powder flew right to your nose which makes him chuckle, understanding what you meant.

"Oh don't act like that." Baji argues before he walks his way back to be behind you, holding your hands while he lets his hand maneuver yours with how you mixed it wrong when he noticed how bubbles could form by the way you did it.

"My mom would always tell me about how I should pay attention to the details when it comes to cooking or else it'd be bad." He explains while you smiled at how affectionate he was of his mother. "I also told her I was going to cook her something but I'm not someone you can trust with fire. "

"You don't need to tell me twice about that, Baji."

"Well well well, look who can't last a minute without coming back to me."

- Once you've got everything done for the combining of ingredients, you reached for a tray to place them in and before you could slowly tilt the bowl, a sneaky finger comes from beside you, dotting into the mixture while Baji steals a taste out of it and he doesn't care about the look of concern that flashes through you.

"Pretty sure you can't eat raw eggs."

"I didn't see that in a single rule book. Oh! It tastes good, babe. Do you want some?"

- Now that you got the tray to the oven, you both decided that it was good to clean up all the used bowls and utensils just so when it was finally done, you wouldn't have to worry about it afterwards so you two are side by side washing the dishes and taking in turns in wiping the table and drying them off.

"Kei, come here." You ordered him with left over flour in your fingers while he just comes your way since he was done on his part. Baji is in front of you once again while your thumb places a dash of the flour to his nose as he rolls his eyes. You drew three lines on each of his cheek and he just lets you have a go at it since he did see how the previous incident was soaked in by your nose.

"You look cute, babe." You bid him with a smile and he rests his hand to your hip. "Did you have fun taking your revenge on me?"

"Absolutely."

- The waiting process seemed to make up for the banter from earlier when you're laid on his chest at the sofa, assumably play fighting just to consume time with that flour latched to his face, not minding to the point you're even taking pictures of him and he follows through, even going along with the poses he's doing which just sends you to laugh at each one.

- It seems that the alarm going off was the only thing that raised both your heads from each other's lip, chuckling at how it broke you apart when you kissed. "I can't even get at least two minutes without someone interrupting. " He pouts while you smiled giving him one last peck before standing up to check on the tray.

Both of your eyes just shined at how it worked, not really expecting it to look good since it was your first time to cook with him but you were glad nonetheless. You carefully took it out, following another instruction just to check if the insides were done well so you smile when everything fell in place.

Baji places a kiss to your shoulder now that he let his hair down again, arms circling your waist as you turned to him.

"I can call myself a half baker now."

"Half baked? You got stoned huh?"

"You're an idiot."

- When it cooled, you two were up to his room while you were sat on his lap, humming in satisfaction at how it tasted, like you two were in sync with each other's reaction. Baji just smiles as he pets the cat that fled to his room while he holds you close to him. Noticing a smudge of chocolate on your lips, he taps your cheek making you turn your head to him and his thumb softly wipes away the smudge of it and as usual and mundane as it is, it didn't matter because when you're with him, everything just feels right.

"I might have to keep asking my mom to buy baking mixes just so I can do them with you."

♡ 𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐅𝐔𝐘𝐔 thought it was funny how he was just wishing he could relive a certain panel he was reading then you suddenly show up knocking on their door with paper bags on both your arms.

"Hey Chifu! You wanna bake something with me?"

"Y-yeah!"

- He was lucky that he was home alone but he doesn't fully consider it because of Peke J who actually came to greet you when you entered. Once the door closes, he's just embracing you.

"What's the inspiration for today's plans?"

"You were craving for cookies so I thought it'd be nice if we get to make it since you were free."

*cue his heart exploding from how you remembered and how you went the extra mile just for him*

- You started by pulling out the things you bought from the store while your boyfriend just watches in awe at how you didn't miss a single ingredient.

"Thanks, babe." He says, slinging his arms over your shoulder even as you walked just to grab a tray and the bowl for you to work in along with a few utensils to kick start the process. Meanwhile, Chifuyu rolls up the sleeve of his sweater and finds his mom's apron to give to you because he knows damn well you were the one who was going to need it more than him. So he hovers it over you as he tied it from behind, beaming at how gratifying it was to be this domestic and something so simple began to transform into a better view as if it was anticipating to fall in love with the normality.

"When did you even have the time to buy all of these? It's a pile, Y/N."

"I just have a lot of time on my hands after school recently."

"That can be lessened if you just spent the rest of the day with me y'know?"

- "Okay now we have to melt the butter first." You said, popping it into the microwave. You heard a swift sound of a bag opening which you assumed was the flour so he can help but when you shifted your body, you saw Chifuyu on the counter munching on the chocolate chips. You smile at how he looked with his cat on his lap as he pets Peke.

"Spare the batter for some of that." You teased as taps your nose, holding a chip in hand while you just opened your mouth while he feeds it to you and you couldn't stand down from how good it actually was. You noticed how when he turns his head to pick up a snack, his hair frames his eyes so you called out to him.

"Let's tie your hair, Chi." You suggested while he spreads his legs a little bit more open for you to be in the middle as he lowers his head. You tie the front of his hair since it was the only section that was capable enough to be secured in a pony so when his head rises, your heart grows in fondness.

"That's way better, thanks babe!" He cheers while you settle your hands to his cheek. "You're too cute." You complimented him as he scoffs and sports his hairstyle like there could've been a sparkle next to his eye.

"Why of course."

- Apart from the sweet moment, the second he gets the butter out of the microwave, he lets out a tiny squeal, not expecting it to be that hot so you cackled at how he speed run his way to place it in the table.

- You two split the job. One gets to measure everything out so it's quick and done while the other was left to combine the rest of what's left. Chifuyu was the one to measure everything while you were mixing everything in, looking through your phone just to be safe that you were following every instruction but he had other plans.

While you threw in a dash of salt, you spoke. "Can you hand me the flour?"

"It's right here, bub."

And just like that, both hands covered in flour squishes your cheeks while you closed your eyes and Chifuyu's laugh surrounds the room while he distances himself to save his face from your wrath and it comes true just like he expected when you got off your feet with flour in hand to return the gesture.

"Good luck trying to catch up to me!"

"Stop! You're too good at running!"

- It was quite stupendous how you've gotten the table war aka going round in circles trying to catch each other but you're just not making a single mount of process to succeed in plotting revenge so you sighed. You can hear the victorious cheer from Chifuyu now that he won so with raised hands to boast, he approaches you.

"For your defeat, I deserve a kiss."

"Whatever you want, Chi." You said wrapping arms around his shoulders before he's leaning inwards to meet your lips while you held back a laugh for him to fall through it and that's where you covered his mouth with your hand that was covered in flour as well as taking the chance to smudge it across his face. You decided to embrace him so he's being held down from attacking you while you let out a laugh.

"Sorry babe."

"That's just unfair, hmp."

"Oh quiet." You then placed a kiss to his lips which coats them with flour as he smiles.

"Touché, Y/N."

- When you're putting the chocolate chips into the bowl, you had to toss in a few of it to his mouth and it stirs up a challenge for you and him like a team up match to catch the farthest chip. You were on the left side of the counter while he was to the other and you ready him and he nods. You threw it and there's determination painted to his features and just like that, the chip landed right to his mouth and you both are wide eyed. The blonde rushes to you and lifts you from your waist to celebrate.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?"

"YOU DID GREAT, CHI!"

- All that's left to do was scoop them up and place them on the tray. For being a winner, he decided to do the honor of doing it for you while you embraced him from behind as he smiles.

"Do I look like a good chef?"

"Hm, I think husband suits it better."

"..h-huh? Really?"

"Dork."

- The waiting process was the two of you cleaning up the mess you made, munching on the left over chocolate. You also went to the bathroom to wash of the flour from earlier, still engaging in a mini fight just so splatter each other with water. You consumed a lot of time so when the alarm sets off, you two are scurrying to go to the kitchen to get them.

"Ooh, they're not burnt."

"That seems offensive even for the both of us."

"Sorry sorry." He chuckles while you pull out the tray to place, grabbing a plate to put the rest of them in. Chifuyu was about to touch it but when you eye him to bid him a warning at how hot it'd be so he stops.

- Once it cools, Chifuyu is already taking a bite out of it, closing his eyes and humming from how you've mentioned that he craved this since a week ago. You chuckled at his response, eating a cookie of your own, leaning your head on his shoulder, finding it good for your attempt. Your boyfriend intertwines your free hand with his and sends you a grin.

"Thanks for everything, Y/N."

TOKYO REV : @strawberrieas @kwrg @raya-sano @kimrena-stuff @heavensbeloved @rosewood1999 @beezebub @l-luci @bekky06 @keiisukebaji @manjiroarchiviste @smileysmileysmiley @tendo-shairdye @toshiswifey @thispenguinrocks @kleesboom

OVERALL: @stesphy @itsmeaudrieee @crapimahuman @meguroshi @floydenai @dai-tsukki-desu

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snowflake-of-destruction · 4 years ago

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Matchablossom, 22

The vast majority of onlookers were greatly amused by the five year old screaming, "The cake is plastic!" like it was his burden to warn the entire reception hall that they were about to be poisoned. The real trouble was the passionate declaration of, "I don't want to be here! You have to take me home!" as he pulled away from his mother's grip, throwing his entire body into the gesture so he immediately fell to the floor as soon as he broke her hold on his arm.

Eri Nanjo was thoroughly shamed, not just by Kojiro's behavior and how she knew it reflected on her, but by knowing that not everyone would be easily fooled into thinking the next words her son shouted as he threw his flailing temper tantrum, "You don't want to be here either! We're going to grab the most expensive gift from the catalog and get out!" were just something he'd made up with the wild imagination of youth and not some tasteless, glib comment that had first come from her.

Eri tried to calm Kojiro down, quietly, calmly, not causing more of a scene, wishing Kazuhiku was there to play disciplinarian, but the small boy was having none of it. His shirt was strangling him. His mother had told him there was going to be karaoke later, but he wasn't supposed to participate in the singing. Now, he had discovered the pretty cake in the corner with all the decorations was plastic except for a piece for the bride and groom. He was sure he was oppressed. He'd heard his father use that word before. Oppression was a Very Serious Issue, but when Kojiro talked about it, he wasn't taken seriously.

Finally, Kojiro was picked up around the middle with a deep groan and a frustrated tone of, "If you're going to act like a baby, I suppose I'll have to treat you like a baby. We will talk about your behavior at home, and when your father is back from his trip, there will be consequences."

Kojiro could have twisted around more, kicked, made his mother drop him, even gone completely limp and turned himself into dead weight. He didn't. He tensed at first in shock, but then, perhaps just working on automatic instinct while he regained his bearings and plotted his next move, he helped right himself into an easier hold as his mother balanced him against her hip like he was a baby again, and wrapped his arms around her neck. He didn't even keep screaming, stupefied into silence by the indignity of it all (Lying on the floor hadn't been undignified. That was an organized protest from the oppressed).

"They have a plastic cake," he found the words of his best defense after a long moment, softened voice scratching from the previous wailing, begging his mother to consider the dire circumstances that had led him to madness. It would have been anyone's final straw. He wiped not just his nose but his entire face with the back of his sleeve, creating yet another etiquette error. "My hair is crunchy and it makes my brains crunchy too." Eri had put some gooey stuff in his hair to make it smooth instead of sticking up or curling at the back like it liked to. Kojiro was not the biggest fan. "Sorry, Mommy."

He wasn't sure his apology was enough. His mother was smiling again, but it was the type of smile she usually gave really slow cashiers at the store and people with big dogs they met on walks. That was a problem for future Kojiro though. "Your hair looks pretty, Mommy."

"Thank you." Eri patted it with her free hand to make sure the style really was still all in the right place. She wasn't sure how much of a mess she looked after struggling with Kojiro. Her most pressing worry in the moment was his shoes leaving dark marks on her kimono, however--though it was doubtful anything could embarrass her more. "And the cake is plastic so it can be a fancy centerpiece. We'll be served real cake from the kitchen after the bride and groom cut their piece. There's no reason to be upset."

"You should have said," Kojiro replied, regretful, still not for the tantrum, but for the trouble later that could have been avoided. Poor future Kojiro. And poor present Kojiro who was sat down in an uncomfortable chair at a table full of boring looking adults and not only no cake but no food in sight.

There was one other non-adult at the table. Kojiro hadn't seen him at first because he was slumped down in his chair as low as he could go, making it look empty, but then a pretty lady with flowers in her hair had ordered, "Say hello, Kaoru," and a tuft of bright pink hair and a pair of eyes covered by glasses much larger than should have been allowed on such a small face appeared over the edge of the table.

"Hello, Kaoru," the mumbled defiance came from the general direction of the eyes.

The pretty lady apologized, though to Kojiro's mother rather than to him, which adults were always doing.

"You look like a bug," Kojiro informed the eyes, conversationally.

"You look like a dumb monkey," the eyes shot back.

More rebukes and apologies came from the mothers, though the man seated to the left of the eyes let out a warm, booming laugh and pronounced that, "They're making friends! They're boys!"

"He's not a boy. He's a gorilla," the eyes retorted, beating Kojiro before he could call him a bug again.

"Did you make your hair pink to match the cake?" Kojiro swung his legs out as far as they would go, but couldn't reach to kick pink bug boy under the table.

"Yes," Kaoru said, suddenly serious, though only for a moment before he giggled. He scooted up in his chair a bit--possibly because Kojiro was getting closer to kicking him--revealing a lopsided smile that Kojiro found himself returning, even though he had been ready to swear pink bug boy his enemy not even a moment ago.

"Nuh uh," Kojiro shot back. "I know you. You're in my class. You always had pink hair."

"No way! I dyed it," Kaoru insisted. "I don't even go to kindergarten."

"Do too! You always take the best paint set when we do art."

"I need to practice. I'm going to be a famous artist." Kaoru pushed his giant glasses up his nose. "Or an astronaut. Or a robot."

"You can't be a robot when you grow up," Kojiro scoffed. "You build a robot."

"I'm going to build a robot and make it be my friend so I always have one." Kaoru turned serious once more, though this time it seemed a more serious kind of serious to Kojiro, not the joking, lying straight-faced kind of serious--and that made Kojiro's chest hurt for some reason. Kaoru was just a stupid bug boy with pink gum hair, but he should have a human friend. Kaoru's mom did that pursed lip and watery-eyed look adults did when you said something that made them sad, but she didn't say anything to Kaoru, instead talking to Kojiro's mom about "troubles with the move."

"A robot isn't a friend, dummy," Kojiro explained patiently, continuing before the red blotches that rose on Kaoru's bug face could turn into Kaoru yelling at him, and them both getting in trouble, "I can be a friend though. I'll be your best friend. I have two best friends already, but you can be one too."

"You want to be my friend?" Kaoru blinked incredulously.

"That's what I said. Do you have trouble hearing?" Kojiro tried one last time to kick Kaoru, who tucked his legs up on the chair and stuck his tongue out.

"What if I don't want to be your friend?"

The nerve of some bug-people. "I can do five jumping jacks and almost a cartwheel," Kojiro explained his most praiseworthy qualities. "And I am a really good frog catcher."

Kaoru's eyes lit up behind his glasses. "Do you have a pet frog? I have a pet frog. Her name is Carla."

"You should have brought her to the wedding!" Kojiro gasped, sitting up straighter.

"I tried!" Kaoru waved his hands in animated distress. "I wasn't allowed."

"That's dumb," Kojiro commiserated. He bet it was Kaoru's mom that said no. She wasn't as pretty now that he knew she was racist against frogs.

"You're dumb," Kaoru shot back, smiling through the unnecessary insult.

"No, you're dumb," Kojiro retorted, though it was just for the purposes of completing the conversation. Kaoru was cool for a paint stealer with stupid glasses. He had a pet frog. "Look! They have fire!" Kojiro shouted, all at once distracted as he caught sight of the bride and groom going from table to table, lighting candles all over the reception hall.

Kaoru rose up on his knees to see better, craning his neck and answering in an awed voice, "Fire is my very favorite thing in the world." His mother tried to interrupt with a bid for him to sit back down properly, but he didn't listen.

"No, it's robots," Kojiro volleyed back without a pause. "You want a robot best friend. You want to marry a robot."

"No, I want you for a best friend." Kaoru had another one of his weird, serious moments.

"Do you want to marry me too?" Kojiro tried to counteract his pink haired new friend's gravity.

"Can we have a lot more candles?" Kaoru asked.

Kojiro had expected to be called dumb again or for Kaoru to declare the idea gross, but this was better. He'd rather marry Kaoru and his pet frog than a girl. "Yeah! And a cake that isn't plastic!"

"The cake is plastic?" Kaoru stopped twisting around in his seat in order to scrunch his nose in distaste in Kojiro's direction. "They should go to jail."

And then was when Kojiro really knew they belonged together.

#matchablossom #kid fic #snippets #kojiro nanjo #kaoru sakurayashiki #matcha blossom #kojiro x kaoru #nanjo kojiro #sakurayashiki kaoru

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adultswim2021 · 3 years ago

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EPHEMERA WEEK

youtube

Bashingtons New Years Eve (December 31, 2003 - 11:00 PM)

NOTE: The above video’s quality is awful, and I’m sorry. For some reason the better-quality version wouldn’t embed!

Now here’s a real event! Arguably capping off the end of an era (though I kinda see the final episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast as being the true end of the classic [adult swim] era’s end) comes the New Years Eve party, aka The Bashingtons New Years Eve. Here a bunch of Adult Swim stars (including Moses, from the DVD commercial) congregate at Brak’s house to celebrate the new year. Characters from different shows all interact with one another and talk about getting sexual and stuff. Meatwad, Brak and Dolphin Boy all hang out upstairs to watch Don Kennedy drive a boat around and show cool rock and roll clips. It’s all pretty special. The night went like this:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #41: "The Cloning"

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #42: "The Last One"

Sealab 2021 #31: "Frozen Dinner"

The Brak Show #28: "Cardburkey"

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law #15: "Blackwatch Plaid"

But by all indication the night was supposed to run like this:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #41: "The Cloning"

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law #15: "Blackwatch Plaid"

Sealab 2021 #31: "Frozen Dinner"

The Brak Show #28: "Cardburkey"

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #42: "The Last One"

(note: this was followed by the Y2K episode of Family Guy, the Futurama pilot and the Venture Bros. pilot according to swimpedia)

The reason for the mix-up? Not sure! But the bumpers have a pretty clear continuity and they announce the wrong shows a couple times. My guess is that they just thought “The Last One” might get lost int he shuffle, or that there was some contractual thing stating that ATHF or Birdman had to debut in a particular calendar year so they couldn’t air before/after midnight, whatever the case may be. Maybe they just fucked up and played the wrong thing by mistake. Actually, that’s likely. But let the record show that the first line-up is accurate.

Anyway, if you click on the episode titles you’ll see I gave air times that reflect the shows not actually airing at their usual on-the-quarter-hour schedule. That’s because the Bashingtons segments actually add up to the length of a 12-or-so minute long [adult swim] show, so everything kinda played a couple minutes late. To compensate for this, [adult swim] scheduled something called “Special Presentation“ for a 15 minute timeslot at midnight. I actually did some filthy, dirty math to approximate when stuff probably aired, timing out the schedule with bumper and episode runtimes and how long your average commercial break would be. I hope I didn’t fuck it up too bad. I might’ve. Well, I’m not going to check or change it.

These are notable for revealing the ultimate fate of The Brak Show (cancelled), and for featuring George Lowe playing himself promoting his book Boned by the Master, which is one of my favorite jokes. It’s just a really good title for a book, is all. I hope someday he really does write Boned by the Master. I would buy it.

MAIL BAG

For the record I didn't hate the Sonic Guys because my dad and I thought they were gay. I just though they were sublimely annoying. Also Sonics food is terrible. I prefer Popeyes as far as fast food goes. Here's my haul from last week: crispy tender chicken made to order, mashed potatos, and a crunchy fluffy biscut. Piled high with gravy and all the other good stuff. Try it if you are every in the Louisiana area!

I got noose for you pal, Popeyes Chicken is available all across our great country (the United Skates of America in case you didn’t know). And I agree with you, their food is heavenly. Sonic’s “gotta go fast” ethos may be a charmer for those we Pop-heads call “pig-mouthed” but it is not for me. Popeyes may not suck your dick with each meal like Sonic does, but at least you will drive away feeling nourished.

#adult swim #the brak show #adultswim2021 #ephemera

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ralfmaximus · 5 years ago

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Snow White and the 1026 Dwarfs

Snow White woke up in the strangest little bed! She'd happened upon the small, cozy house deep in the woods, found nobody at home, and promptly crashed in the first bed she'd spotted. Sleep claimed her then, dragging her away to a place of relative peace and calm... carefully letting her ignore how tiny all the furnishings were, how oddly low were the ceilings and fixtures. And now, the next morning! What odd little men surrounded her! Normally she'd be alarmed by close proximity to so many strangers, but the events of the past day had granted her an oddly calm outlook on life. Nothing much rattled her anymore. Snow White blinked sleepily, yawned, and stretched. The men watched her every movement, transfixed. "Do you talk?" She asked experimentally. One older man -- tiny, rotund, and wiser than the rest with a long white beard -- glanced around at the others and nodded. He adjusted his spectacles and stepped forward. "I'm Doc," he explained with a jolly chuckle. "And these are my friends: Smarmy, Ragey, Explainy, Glossy, Pookie, Pesty, Grippy, Inebriated, Teary, Swampy, Piggy, Catty, Hitler, Stroky, Zombie, Mooky, Tandy, Fakey, Twinky, Biggie, Munchy, Stingy, Intrepid, Gabby, Shitsnacks, Packy, Growly, Sleazy, Pervy, Ookey, Maggy, Slither, Effy, Jelly, Freezy, Snuggy, Dippy, Toothy, Banger, Loathsome, Smelly, Loofa, Eerie, Jenny, Zoidberg, Fatty, Porkey, Cutty, Brazen, Krabby, Outlandish, Irony, Queasey, Juicy, Ugly, Wonky, Appealing, Lectory, Terminator, Off-putting, Shorty, Irregular, Hissy, Silky, Hardy, Whacker, Ginny, Pammy, Lovely, Chasey, Numby, Abba, Unmentionable, Phreaky, Gawkey, Spooly, Dairy, Flamy, Pickley, Jammy, Croaky, Diehardy, Sordid, Boasty, Rumbly, Klepto, Siggy, Serendipity, Touchy, Thrifty, Cassy, Noxy, Woggly, Gaggy, Beauty, Bluto, Easty, Larky, Sleepy, Hottie, Cloggy, Muffy, Busty, Flouncy, Oly, Wordy, Floopy, Bently, Winky, Rampy, Twitty, Rutty, Witchy, Boxey, Sexy, Sicky, Blazey, Googly, Chemistry, Humpy, Bloggy, Palsey, Tranny, Nipply, Creepy, Jumpy, Weekly, Dready, Burny, Stjnky, Potty, Poofey, Affable, Sippy, Yeachy, Volatile, Jacky, Pokey, Tumbly, Stinky, Hippie, Restless, Frosty, Slicey, Grabby, Bashful, Milky, Lenny, Slick, Losty, Dramatic, Subliminal, Peeny, Inserty, Botfly, Whipser, Edgy, Strutty, Gamey, Goaty, Slammy, Hickey, Murdery, Lickey, Quiet, Bastard, Sprainy, Griefy, Freeky, Snicky, Snobby, Destructive, Pagey, Hefty, Freepy, Dreamy, Tinny, Jaunty, Larpy, Yelpy, Pumpy, Techey, Wackey, Krappy, Porky, Banny, Lawdy, Spikey, Noxious, Robby, Forky, Woeful, Cringley, Roasty, Grumpy, Queefy, Slabby, Qwerty, Oaky, Rusty, Donner, Bitey, Ernie, Bratty, Reddy, Alky, Pearly, Tooky, Clingy, Rapey, Contagious, Wheezy, Toasty, Nosy, Hungry, Cupid, Woofy, Wicked, Kitty, Slappy, Silly, Oogly, Quagmire, Chumpy, Spocky, Secretive, Yukku, Checky, Goofy, Porney, Seepy, Angry, Junkie, Dumpy, Cagey, Handy, Ghastly, Bunny, Narky, Crummy, Tipsey, Wizzy, Peachy, Splashy, Frighty, Towley, Rangey, Twitchy, Birdy, Blotty, Wheely, Tweety, Mealy, Tazey, Boozy, Mopey, Icky, Hacky, Mental, Pasty, Guffy, Yelly, Picky, Lucy, Bloody, Doomy, Balky, Sharky, Moby, Tastey, Clunky, Happy, Nancy, Fry, Puke, Zany, Sweaty, Pimply, Poppy, Testy, Classy, Scratchy, Righty, Smegma, Pissy, Schmutzy, Proxy, Preachy, Prey, Baddy, Westy, Clumsey, Jumbo, Pawy, Jaundiced, Masturbatey, Spasms, Wiley, Pukey, Havok, Puffy, Startled, Prissy, Snoopy, Ruffian, Iggy, Acid-Refluxy, Nifty, Dressy, Gomer, Flabby, Deadly, Smalls, Neurotic, Hideous, Shecky, Blondy, Skunky, Yummy, Victor, Jewy, Arny, Neuty, Biff, Toady, Humpty, Moogly, Grassy, Corny, Feisty, Angsty, Creamy, Techy, Lopsey, Queeny, Stretchy, Mo, Spanks, Regretful, Snarfly, Underpants, Ready, Lanky, Splenda, Naggy, Faily, Yakky, Sizzly, Jokey, Pacey, Spooey, Traumatic, Screamy, Tucker, Pimpy, Beady, Roughy, Snoozy, Roofy, Quimbly, Brewy, Gumby, Pointy, Hooky, Writey, Shimmy, Bulgy, Nootsy, Bingey, Mooby, Dunky, Sully, Neurtsy, Woey, Jiggy, Prietsly, Terry, Forgetful, Comfy, Romney, Campy, Northy, Giggidy, Dipsy, Beefy, Poledancey, Apocalypse, Woozy, Evil, Talky, Vapid, Freaky, Whackey, Inserto, Bleaty, Chufty, Scuzzy, Crispy, Tepid, Snazzy, Sqealy, Grotty, Jimmy, Nanny, Godlike, Furious, Booty, Wolfy, Cumpy, Toily, Crumbly, Biggo, Boggly, Ironic, Belchy, Flaily, Killy, Puggy, Wendy, Gloomy, Verbosity, Listless, Twisty, Waffles, Archy, Wheatley, Iconic, Klassy, Pauley, Bruiser, Prefunctory, Ruffy, Poopy, Zuckerman, Snappy, Oily, Shakes, Yiles, Priggy, Airy, Godly, Hotty, Lassy, Fudgy, Wooky, Bursty, Leggy, Soggy, Soulful, Walky, Unkillable, Bindlestiff, Pathy, Soothy, Lolzy, Spiffy, Trekky, Toothsome, Goldy, Daffy, Yucky, Pappy, Snowy, Dancy, Sappy, Lana, Cursey, Drippy, Cackles, Fuzzy, Malignant, Ghosty, Quality, Hurty, Schulty, Fizzy, Toughy, Tweaky, Starry, Jigsaw, Piney, Magnanimous, Softy, Denty, Damned, Intolerable, Dodgey, Spazzy, Ropey, Socky, Moomoo, Sammy, Dampy, Cracky, Zippy, Whorey, Likey, Wooy, Spewy, Farty, Perthy, Kinky, Peely, Wetone, Squeaky, Frenzy, Noisy, Danny, Flippy, Fartsy, Gravy, Barfy, Loopy, Regular, Nedly, Quacky, Sloppy, Snooki, Crampy, Wetty, Appealy, Boofy, Snotty, Kwazy, Nutty, Regal, Zappy, Candy, Scary, Shakey, Yeasty, Trampy, Runty, Turgid, Icey, Dusty, Adolph, Pocky, Shitty, Nasty, Cranny, Mommy, Monkey, Prickley, Lumpy, Snippy, Quaffy, Wendigo, Opulent, Henny, Prancer, Pervo, Pippy, Rotund, Cavey, Dazzle, Clooney, Rumpy, Pudgy, Spunky, Ralfy, Questy, Dwarfy, Limpy, Rugby, Junky, Insideous, Assy, Hizzy, Hotsy, Honey, Punky, Blingy, Spinny, Nicky, Spindly, Lacey, Banshee, Feely, Baldy, Rabbity, Lunky, Swarley, Damply, Whiley, Splattery, Squirty, Alcoholic, Foggy, Denny, Berty, Zinny, Mammy, Delicious, Dropsey, Vixen, Beary, Beatlejuice, Knobby, Loudly, Meaty, Teethy, Drinky, Woz, Wanky, Scuffy, Swimmy, Gummy, Posse, Milly, Wallop, Pouty, Ruby, Chicken, Poofy, Funny, Smugly, Spinry, Grimey, Ripley, Savory, Schmuckey, Stainy, Quivery, Pooly, Droopy, Lappy, Herpy, Able, Goosey, Dapper, Beasty, Dazy, Giggy, Drowsy, Lowly, Coolie, Slutty, Burby, Nippy, Firey, Sniffy, Glassy, Factory, Cheney, Slidey, Chippy, Kludgy, Orly, Meany, Kreepy, Pooley, Ninja, Whizzy, Victim, Iffy, Saggy, Kenny, Floppy, Nabby, Sickley, Groggy, Liquidity, Hussy, Jinxy, Kewpie, Lampy, Saxy, Dexter, Doleful, Dandy, Peggy, Mooey, Slashy, Drunkey, Homo, Rolly, Hoggly, Healy, Salty, Gropey, Ghouley, Whirley, Faggy, Weedy, Teaser, Dasher, Ego, Artsy, Quippy, Insanity, Beastly, Chappy, Sparky, Zesty, Tasty, Bumpy, Tappy, Uggy, Herky, Greasy, Weakly, Grungy, Jeery, Menthol, Ouchy, Trollface, Morty, Pandy, Scooby, Miley, Racky, Upchuck, Stumpy, Spongy, Slurpy, Kiley, Tummy, Incindiary, Tokey, Flighty, Pussy, Porker, Pranky, Itchy, Spongey, Fuckey, Stuffy, Quiver, Dreary, Ravey, Dirtzy, Tanky, Crabby, Besty, Dregs, Killzy, Wackry, Daisy, Killer, Chevy, Tacky, Stimpy, Tiny, Buffy, Piggie, Crufty, Stabby, Oozey, Unlucky, Beatnik, Twitly, Kingly, Aery, Ogly, Gimpy, Shanky, Trippy, Fingery, Trumpy, Quackey, Cringey, Hokey, Emergency, Flowery, Tinky, Wifey, Crowley, Gassy, Gingery, Bobby, Tender, Penny, Nutso, Mighty, Crazy, Klinky, Blitzen, Clappy, Slitty, Leaky, Queasy, Wallaby, Buddy, Bootlicker, Peeky, Sadistic, Lovey, Glowy, Pickles, Gingerly, Misty, Lofty, Mickey, Wrappy, Ridiculous, Perky, Tangly, Sprockets, Lackey, Awful, Crassy, Runny, Nasal, Frigid, Doggy, Leafy, Planty, Stealthy, Soapy, Draggy, Queery, Texty, Undie, Davey, Fucky, Futurey, Lefty, Sickly, Diseased, Cranky, Nukey, Gangly, Totty, Dummy, Flakey, Lizzy, Tighty, Froggy, Gunny, Doily, Blotto, Seizey, Lazy, Venty, Blacky, Sandy, Immotral, Spangly, Clowny, Falsey, Loosey, Hanky, Wavy, Shifty, Annoying, Navy, Broody, Cunty, Impressy, Tuffy, Anonymous, Dickey, Pugly, Trolly, Kissy, Reflexy, Prawny, Obnoxious, Duffy, Kingy, Clicky, Nosey, Weepy, Phony, Frenny, Blinky, Neutral, Icony, Southy, Jetty, Teeny, Brutus, Wiffy, Smuggy, Busy, Plucky, Fisty, Spotty, Smokey, Chokey, Lippy, Tammy, Baggy, Powerless, Whitey, Typo, Mimsey, Tiki, Slurpee, Tearful, Flamey, Boozey, Moochy, Jewlery, Wobbly, Bossy, Randy, Curmudgeon, Grampy, Treacherous, Tonedeaf, Handsy, Speedy, Lulzy, Marty, Smacky, Rooky, Frightened, Piggly, Artful, Plowy, Bitchy, Barky, Preppy, Sunny, Rocky, Whappy, Hiney, Spanky, Whammy, Deafy, Mathy, Brainy, Fishy, Barfly, Swifty, Clueless, Dizzy, Lordy, Swindly, Pony, Snooty, Twix, Banksy, Wisty, Squirmy, Brewery, Scrappy, Slippy, Trollop, Ballsy, Willy, Rappy, Sneezy, Addy, Icy, Earny, Fidgety, Schooly, Klangy, Wistful, Metal, Lucky, Obsessive, Henzy, Huggy, Sassy, Agey, Pinky, Horny, Benny, Passy, Tingly, Rippy, Reagal, Freebie, Tossy, Slippery, Touchey, Kermy, Wiggly, Druggy, Hippy, Sweety, Dougie, Crappy, Peaty, Nazi, Faulty, Swirley, Crunchy, Bully, Flambe, Biddy, Hoppy, Bangy, Punny, Unsavory, Derpy, Jizzy, Ratty, Unlikable, Gently, Droppy, Ren, Smithy, Knotty, Deady, Chicky, Jerky, Flatulent, Billy, Pithy, Humphrey, Hansel, Poopie, Snuggly, Loki, Dopey, Yippy, Ridonkulous, Cody, Blatty, Renny, Parky, Prancy, Banananery, Yukky, Cheaty, Lossy, Scruffy, Silty, and Drifty." Snow White laughed and clapped her hands with delight. "My, there certainly are a lot of you! I'm ever so sorry for barging in here uninvited, but I don't really have a home any more... would you mind terribly if I stayed for awhile? I can cook and clean and--" Doc raised a hand, interrupting her gently. "We'd be honored if you stayed!" All 1026 dwarfs nodded in agreement, and were so thrilled they threw Snow White a party to celebrate their new friendship. The party lasted late into the evening, and everyone passed out with full tummies and a happy smile lighting their faces. The next day the dwarfs arose early and prepared for work. Snow White cooked them breakfast and when it was time to leave they all lined up at the door to bid her farewell for the day. Snow White expressed her gratitude by kissing each dwarf on the forehead: Smarmy, Ragey, Explainy, Glossy, Pookie, Pesty, Grippy, Inebriated, Teary, Swampy, Piggy, Catty, Hitler, Stroky, Zombie, Mooky, Tandy, Fakey, Twinky, Biggie, Munchy, Stingy, Intrepid, Gabby, Shitsnacks, Packy, Growly, Sleazy, Pervy, Ookey, Maggy, Slither, Effy, Jelly, Freezy, Snuggy, Dippy, Toothy, Banger, Loathsome, Smelly, Loofa, Eerie, Jenny, Zoidberg, Fatty, Porkey, Cutty, Brazen, Krabby, Outlandish, Irony, Queasey, Juicy, Ugly, Wonky, Appealing, Lectory, Terminator, Off-putting, Shorty, Irregular, Hissy, Silky, Hardy, Whacker, Ginny, Pammy, Lovely, Chasey, Numby, Abba, Unmentionable, Phreaky, Gawkey, Spooly, Dairy, Flamy, Pickley, Jammy, Croaky, Diehardy, Sordid, Boasty, Rumbly, Klepto, Siggy, Serendipity, Touchy, Thrifty, Cassy, Noxy, Woggly, Gaggy, Beauty, Bluto, Easty, Larky, Sleepy, Hottie, Cloggy, Muffy, Busty, Flouncy, Oly, Wordy, Floopy, Bently, Winky, Rampy, Twitty, Rutty, Witchy, Boxey, Sexy, Sicky, Blazey, Googly, Chemistry, Humpy, Bloggy, Palsey, Tranny, Nipply, Creepy, Jumpy, Weekly, Dready, Burny, Stjnky, Potty, Poofey, Affable, Sippy, Yeachy, Volatile, Jacky, Pokey, Tumbly, Stinky, Hippie, Restless, Frosty, Slicey, Grabby, Bashful, Milky, Lenny, Slick, Losty, Dramatic, Subliminal, Peeny, Inserty, Botfly, Whipser, Edgy, Strutty, Gamey, Goaty, Slammy, Hickey, Murdery, Lickey, Quiet, Bastard, Sprainy, Griefy, Freeky, Snicky, Snobby, Destructive, Pagey, Hefty, Freepy, Dreamy, Tinny, Jaunty, Larpy, Yelpy, Pumpy, Techey, Wackey, Krappy, Porky, Banny, Lawdy, Spikey, Noxious, Robby, Forky, Woeful, Cringley, Roasty, Grumpy, Queefy, Slabby, Qwerty, Oaky, Rusty, Donner, Bitey, Ernie, Bratty, Reddy, Alky, Pearly, Tooky, Clingy, Rapey, Contagious, Wheezy, Toasty, Nosy, Hungry, Cupid, Woofy, Wicked, Kitty, Slappy, Silly, Oogly, Quagmire, Chumpy, Spocky, Secretive, Yukku, Checky, Goofy, Porney, Seepy, Angry, Junkie, Dumpy, Cagey, Handy, Ghastly, Bunny, Narky, Crummy, Tipsey, Wizzy, Peachy, Splashy, Frighty, Towley, Rangey, Twitchy, Birdy, Blotty, Wheely, Tweety, Mealy, Tazey, Boozy, Mopey, Icky, Hacky, Mental, Pasty, Guffy, Yelly, Picky, Lucy, Bloody, Doomy, Balky, Sharky, Moby, Tastey, Clunky, Happy, Nancy, Fry, Puke, Zany, Sweaty, Pimply, Poppy, Testy, Classy, Scratchy, Righty, Smegma, Pissy, Schmutzy, Proxy, Preachy, Prey, Baddy, Westy, Clumsey, Jumbo, Pawy, Jaundiced, Masturbatey, Spasms, Wiley, Pukey, Havok, Puffy, Startled, Prissy, Snoopy, Ruffian, Iggy, Acid-Refluxy, Nifty, Dressy, Gomer, Flabby, Deadly, Smalls, Neurotic, Hideous, Shecky, Blondy, Skunky, Yummy, Victor, Jewy, Arny, Neuty, Biff, Toady, Humpty, Moogly, Grassy, Corny, Feisty, Angsty, Creamy, Techy, Lopsey, Queeny, Stretchy, Mo, Spanks, Regretful, Snarfly, Underpants, Ready, Lanky, Splenda, Naggy, Faily, Yakky, Sizzly, Jokey, Pacey, Spooey, Traumatic, Screamy, Tucker, Pimpy, Beady, Roughy, Snoozy, Roofy, Quimbly, Brewy, Gumby, Pointy, Hooky, Writey, Shimmy, Bulgy, Nootsy, Bingey, Mooby, Dunky, Sully, Neurtsy, Woey, Jiggy, Prietsly, Terry, Forgetful, Comfy, Romney, Campy, Northy, Giggidy, Dipsy, Beefy, Poledancey, Apocalypse, Woozy, Evil, Talky, Vapid, Freaky, Whackey, Inserto, Bleaty, Chufty, Scuzzy, Crispy, Tepid, Snazzy, Sqealy, Grotty, Jimmy, Nanny, Godlike, Furious, Booty, Wolfy, Cumpy, Toily, Crumbly, Biggo, Boggly, Ironic, Belchy, Flaily, Killy, Puggy, Wendy, Gloomy, Verbosity, Listless, Twisty, Waffles, Archy, Wheatley, Iconic, Klassy, Pauley, Bruiser, Prefunctory, Ruffy, Poopy, Zuckerman, Snappy, Oily, Shakes, Yiles, Priggy, Airy, Godly, Hotty, Lassy, Fudgy, Wooky, Bursty, Leggy, Soggy, Soulful, Walky, Unkillable, Bindlestiff, Pathy, Soothy, Lolzy, Spiffy, Trekky, Toothsome, Goldy, Daffy, Yucky, Pappy, Snowy, Dancy, Sappy, Lana, Cursey, Drippy, Cackles, Fuzzy, Malignant, Ghosty, Quality, Hurty, Schulty, Fizzy, Toughy, Tweaky, Starry, Jigsaw, Piney, Magnanimous, Softy, Denty, Damned, Intolerable, Dodgey, Spazzy, Ropey, Socky, Moomoo, Sammy, Dampy, Cracky, Zippy, Whorey, Likey, Wooy, Spewy, Farty, Perthy, Kinky, Peely, Wetone, Squeaky, Frenzy, Noisy, Danny, Flippy, Fartsy, Gravy, Barfy, Loopy, Regular, Nedly, Quacky, Sloppy, Snooki, Crampy, Wetty, Appealy, Boofy, Snotty, Kwazy, Nutty, Regal, Zappy, Candy, Scary, Shakey, Yeasty, Trampy, Runty, Turgid, Icey, Dusty, Adolph, Pocky, Shitty, Nasty, Cranny, Mommy, Monkey, Prickley, Lumpy, Snippy, Quaffy, Wendigo, Opulent, Henny, Prancer, Pervo, Pippy, Rotund, Cavey, Dazzle, Clooney, Rumpy, Pudgy, Spunky, Ralfy, Questy, Dwarfy, Limpy, Rugby, Junky, Insideous, Assy, Hizzy, Hotsy, Honey, Punky, Blingy, Spinny, Nicky, Spindly, Lacey, Banshee, Feely, Baldy, Rabbity, Lunky, Swarley, Damply, Whiley, Splattery, Squirty, Alcoholic, Foggy, Denny, Berty, Zinny, Mammy, Delicious, Dropsey, Vixen, Beary, Beatlejuice, Knobby, Loudly, Meaty, Teethy, Drinky, Woz, Wanky, Scuffy, Swimmy, Gummy, Posse, Milly, Wallop, Pouty, Ruby, Chicken, Poofy, Funny, Smugly, Spinry, Grimey, Ripley, Savory, Schmuckey, Stainy, Quivery, Pooly, Droopy, Lappy, Herpy, Able, Goosey, Dapper, Beasty, Dazy, Giggy, Drowsy, Lowly, Coolie, Slutty, Burby, Nippy, Firey, Sniffy, Glassy, Factory, Cheney, Slidey, Chippy, Kludgy, Orly, Meany, Kreepy, Pooley, Ninja, Whizzy, Victim, Iffy, Saggy, Kenny, Floppy, Nabby, Sickley, Groggy, Liquidity, Hussy, Jinxy, Kewpie, Lampy, Saxy, Dexter, Doleful, Dandy, Peggy, Mooey, Slashy, Drunkey, Homo, Rolly, Hoggly, Healy, Salty, Gropey, Ghouley, Whirley, Faggy, Weedy, Teaser, Dasher, Ego, Artsy, Quippy, Insanity, Beastly, Chappy, Sparky, Zesty, Tasty, Bumpy, Tappy, Uggy, Herky, Greasy, Weakly, Grungy, Jeery, Menthol, Ouchy, Trollface, Morty, Pandy, Scooby, Miley, Racky, Upchuck, Stumpy, Spongy, Slurpy, Kiley, Tummy, Incindiary, Tokey, Flighty, Pussy, Porker, Pranky, Itchy, Spongey, Fuckey, Stuffy, Quiver, Dreary, Ravey, Dirtzy, Tanky, Crabby, Besty, Dregs, Killzy, Wackry, Daisy, Killer, Chevy, Tacky, Stimpy, Tiny, Buffy, Piggie, Crufty, Stabby, Oozey, Unlucky, Beatnik, Twitly, Kingly, Aery, Ogly, Gimpy, Shanky, Trippy, Fingery, Trumpy, Quackey, Cringey, Hokey, Emergency, Flowery, Tinky, Wifey, Crowley, Gassy, Gingery, Bobby, Tender, Penny, Nutso, Mighty, Crazy, Klinky, Blitzen, Clappy, Slitty, Leaky, Queasy, Wallaby, Buddy, Bootlicker, Peeky, Sadistic, Lovey, Glowy, Pickles, Gingerly, Misty, Lofty, Mickey, Wrappy, Ridiculous, Perky, Tangly, Sprockets, Lackey, Awful, Crassy, Runny, Nasal, Frigid, Doggy, Leafy, Planty, Stealthy, Soapy, Draggy, Queery, Texty, Undie, Davey, Fucky, Futurey, Lefty, Sickly, Diseased, Cranky, Nukey, Gangly, Totty, Dummy, Flakey, Lizzy, Tighty, Froggy, Gunny, Doily, Blotto, Seizey, Lazy, Venty, Blacky, Sandy, Immotral, Spangly, Clowny, Falsey, Loosey, Hanky, Wavy, Shifty, Annoying, Navy, Broody, Cunty, Impressy, Tuffy, Anonymous, Dickey, Pugly, Trolly, Kissy, Reflexy, Prawny, Obnoxious, Duffy, Kingy, Clicky, Nosey, Weepy, Phony, Frenny, Blinky, Neutral, Icony, Southy, Jetty, Teeny, Brutus, Wiffy, Smuggy, Busy, Plucky, Fisty, Spotty, Smokey, Chokey, Lippy, Tammy, Baggy, Powerless, Whitey, Typo, Mimsey, Tiki, Slurpee, Tearful, Flamey, Boozey, Moochy, Jewlery, Wobbly, Bossy, Randy, Curmudgeon, Grampy, Treacherous, Tonedeaf, Handsy, Speedy, Lulzy, Marty, Smacky, Rooky, Frightened, Piggly, Artful, Plowy, Bitchy, Barky, Preppy, Sunny, Rocky, Whappy, Hiney, Spanky, Whammy, Deafy, Mathy, Brainy, Fishy, Barfly, Swifty, Clueless, Dizzy, Lordy, Swindly, Pony, Snooty, Twix, Banksy, Wisty, Squirmy, Brewery, Scrappy, Slippy, Trollop, Ballsy, Willy, Rappy, Sneezy, Addy, Icy, Earny, Fidgety, Schooly, Klangy, Wistful, Metal, Lucky, Obsessive, Henzy, Huggy, Sassy, Agey, Pinky, Horny, Benny, Passy, Tingly, Rippy, Reagal, Freebie, Tossy, Slippery, Touchey, Kermy, Wiggly, Druggy, Hippy, Sweety, Dougie, Crappy, Peaty, Nazi, Faulty, Swirley, Crunchy, Bully, Flambe, Biddy, Hoppy, Bangy, Punny, Unsavory, Derpy, Jizzy, Ratty, Unlikable, Gently, Droppy, Ren, Smithy, Knotty, Deady, Chicky, Jerky, Flatulent, Billy, Pithy, Humphrey, Hansel, Poopie, Snuggly, Loki, Dopey, Yippy, Ridonkulous, Cody, Blatty, Renny, Parky, Prancy, Banananery, Yukky, Cheaty, Lossy, Scruffy, Silty, and Drifty each trooped past Snow White and received a farewell kiss and by the time she reached the end of the line her lips fell off.

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japanessie · 7 years ago

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MY FIRST STORY ~ ALL LEAD TRACKS review「レビュー」

(c) Japanessie. Photo is mine (^^) Back : ALL LEAD TRACKS 1st Edition (L), Amazon Edition (R ) Front : STORYTELLER Edition. The disc is the bonus DVD

MFS’s ALL LEAD TRACKS had been the fastest postal delivery I had ever experienced in all my time doing online shopping from overseas. The Amazon package reached me on 20th July 2017. The album release was 19th. Amazing, wasn’t it? Sadly, it reached me on the same date of Chester Bennington’s death and my musical world stopped for a moment. So, this post took a back seat. But here it is now.

Being the Limited Edition nutso that I am, just as I “declared” in a previous post, I got myself the 1st Edition, the Amazon Edition and of course the STORYTELLER Edition. Goodbye money ... XD. By the way, it’s called ALL LEAD TRACKS to reflect that each song on this album is a theme song.

I had ONE intention when I bought this album. That was to hear HOW Teruki Nishizawa would bring himself out of his shell and project that more into their music. Generally, MFS is not breaking any new ground with this one. Not an issue as they have never been that type of band to me anyway. What I was expecting was how they would revive and update already-explored musical territories, particularly Teruki and man, he did not disappoint me. I was a bit disappointed by his lack of solos on ANTITHESE. So, he kind of made up for it on ALL LEAD TRACKS. Though not up to the “guitar hero era” level he grew up with, it’s flashier than his guitar solo work on ANTITHESE.

These are my thoughts.

1. LET IT DIE

(Music: Nob, Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for PS4 Game LET IT DIE )

youtube

My first impression when I saw the trailer was that it sounded like it was something they had written to be given to ナノ @ nano. I could just hear her singing that chorus. There was a feminine quality to it of which its rock edginess was compensated by Hiro’s scream at the end. However, a few people gave feedback that they preferred this song over the earlier released trailer REVIVER. I, on the other hand, just felt the sweet chorus was contrasting to the image of Grim Reaper in that trailer.

Teru said on STORYTELLER that this song is his favourite from this album. I so believe him XD It’s easy to tell that the guitar riffs were created by a big Metallica fan. Not even the current Metallica but the classic Metallica from the 1980s. Teru knows his heavy metal history and it shows. Of course, he doesn’t do it quite as aggressive as them because MFS isn’t a straight-ahead metal band but it’s impossible for me not to hear influences of a certain classic Metallica song in it (^^)

The bass lines are particularly heavy on the intro and the breakdowns throughout. Not surprising when the song composition is credited to Nob. Ever since MFS became a 4-piece band, he has been making the bass sound more prominent in the band’s overall music arrangement. Then, I also feel that the combination of Teru’s clean guitar lines on top of the thick rhythm section steers the sound towards something that would fit Linkin Park around New Divide era.

* I wish Chester was still around and eventually discovered Taka’s little brother’s band. It was so close. He already befriended Taka and he did like the LET IT DIE game very much.

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But still, despite the heavy rhythm and the Metallica-inspired guitar riffs, the overall feel of the song is still sugary sweet to me. I guess I was just expecting something "harsher”. It’s not that I think it’s bad but to me it’s just an odd pairing for a bloody survival game like LET IT DIE.

2. REVIVER MV Version

(Music: Hiro/ZENTA, Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for smartphone game Hortensia Saga)

The thing that caught me most about the MV was “Hey, this song is different from the Trailer!”. I noticed certain guitar line was missing from the intro and the echo produced when one holds the notes on the guitar strings at the end was not there either. I was looking forward to seeing Teru’s hand as he held the notes there but it didn’t happen. The camera shot showed him but his hand was in the power chord position instead.

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Yes, as it turned out, MFS recorded another version. Overall, the rhythm guitars on this version are thicker. This one sounds like it would be the one to actually be played Live. It’s easier to handle onstage for a single-guitarist band. It’s power chords and then a short solo and then back to the crunchy power chords again. The faint here-and-there guitar embellishments can be left to backing tracks. Teru brings out his inner old-school rocker with the solo. Short but leaves an impression through the way he ends it. Hey, finger-tapping always will never fail anyone!

Hiro took a big risk changing the key at one point of the song a.k.a the part he fell underwater in the MV. Considering his naturally high-toned voice, low notes are not his forte. He had problems singing the lower notes Live when MFS showcased Last Call on Sukkiri. It’s understandable considering his natural voice. Which is why it surprised me he dared to change the key here. The key change itself is tricky but hitting low notes for a high-pitched vocalist is entirely another challenge.

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As predicted, Hiro really did have problems handling that part when they performed it Live for Fukuoka Hawks.

As a theme song, to me REVIVER is more fitting to the game it is intended for compared to LET IT DIE. The entire song sounds like a journey and the way the song ends gives you the feeling that the hero of the story will meet his triumph in the end.

3. この世界で一番の幸せ者にはする事など出来ないかもしれないけど .....

(Music: Hiro, Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for Buzz Rhythm July 2017)

Who in the world would put THAT as a song title but Hiroki Moriuchi, huh? His version of “normal” is another world on its own XD.

Title reading & translation: kono sekai de ichiban no shiawase-sha ni suru koto nado dekinai kamoshirenai kedo ..... Though being the happiest person in this world is something I may not be able to do .....

Just like my feelings towards LET IT DIE, this one also has that ナノ @ nano-ish vibe to me. Yes, I can imagine her appearing at the chorus.

My fav part is the bridge at the first half of the song (00:20 ~ 00:39). It’s such a sweet melancholic melody which suits Hiro’s soft voice perfectly. It brings out the yearning feeling for a person really well which is what the lyrics are about. Sadly, this part never gets repeated.

Teru’s solo on this one is moderate and well-paced. Not the flashy hair metal style at all but more towards what Steve Lukather of Toto would play. I'm sure the majority of my readers don't know who is Steve or Toto. Well, Steve Lukather is one of the most recorded guitarists in history because he played on so many records of major artists in the world.

Lyrics-wise, I am hoping that this is just an exaggeration of Hiro’s imagination because if it’s real, then the object-of-affection is likely to be ........... . I think I’ll just keep my thought to myself for that ....haha ...but I really do hope it is just an exaggerated story of his crush on a celebrity or something XD

4. The Storyteller��

(Music: Hiro, Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for 全心 aka Zenshin Documentary)

This song is so like an updated version of old school Bon Jovi (^^). Back in 1986 and 1987. Never Say Goodbye to be exact. While the sound is not something new, to me it fits the purpose it was intended for.

The Storyteller has this somewhat lethargic feel like something you do while chilling out or recurperating from being drained out of energy after a long hard battle. Lethargic was also the exact word I used to describe Bon Jovi’s Never Say Goodbye back then

Like a badly wounded soldier after a war struggling to walk home on a lonely road and thanking the ones who came and offered to hold his hands along the way. Like somewhat apologetically saying to the kind-hearted supporters, “I'm sorry that I'm broken ..... but ..... thank you ..... thank you for your kindness and for believing in me,".

That's exactly what the song is about. With his bandmates by his side, Hiro fought long and hard. ..... and it's exhausting. The Storyteller feels exactly that. Hiro wrote it from that state of mind and his bandmates complemented it with the sound. Honestly, I don’t relate much to many song lyrics but I do relate to this one. It’s my story. I started this blog to help clear up so many misunderstandings towards them particularly Hiro. It takes hard work & sheer dedication and this song captures that feeling of exhaustion. I’m grateful for my journey though (^^)

The song topics are different but look at how both songs end with almost similar sentiments. What a co-incidence (^^):

Bon Jovi: Holding on we've got to try .... holding on to never say goodbye

MY FIRST STORY: So let's keep on walking till we reach the end .... till we reach the end

The moment I knew that this song was specially written as the Zenshin theme song and dedicated to the Storytellers, I could already imagine the video it would be presented with. Band members footage, fans footage, behind the scenes footage, onstage, offstage ... all in slow motion and black & white filters. Bon Jovi, Bon Jovi, Bon Jovi, eh?

Ooh ... even the MV is old school Bon Jovi circa Slippery When Wet album. All Bon Jovi MVs at that point were about the band and the fans. Bingo!

Written as a “gift" to Storytellers, they keep the MV private for the Fan Club. So, non-members may just trust my words on this.

My only gripe is it’s a missed opportunity for an emotional guitar solo. Ok, It takes a lot for Teru to show his emotions to the world. So, maybe it was still awkward for him to put one in. Someday dear (^^)

* Still it tickles me to hear Hiro's mumbled pronounciation especially when his "reach" sounds like "rish" (^^)

5. Smash Out!! Budokan LIVE version

(Music: Hiro* (?), Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for Shinjuku Swan II)

* This is confusing because in Zenshin, the music was credited to Nob

Now I'm contradicting myself. I openly admitted that I wasn’t fond of this song when I reviewed ANTITHESE because I was disapproving of some choices of words in the lyrics. Strangely, with this particular Live version, I get so drawn to Hiro shouting out the swear word “Uze!!!”. Besides him saying it out loud at the Budokan with his parents in attendance, I guess it tickles me because Teru once tweeted a photo of Hiro and captioned it “Uze~”. Aahh! Now they’re equal ^^

The music is louder and livelier than the recorded version. The guys played the music faithfully to the album. Teruki replicated his guitar solo perfectly note for note. From my experience watching him play this song in front of me, I think Teru enjoys doing this one Live. Then, Hiro's live vocals are ...... well, he's not Taka. But that's expected XD

Me : I'll take this version over the studio version.

Common sense : The lyrics are the same yo!

Me : But Hiro said “Uze~!!" here.

With that, I concluded that it's more worth it to listen to the Budokan Live version just to hear Hiro shout out .....

“UZE~!!"

Refer here and here for its meaning. Could be directed to his haters XD

6. 花0714 special acoustic version feat. UK from Moroha

(Music & Lyrics : MY FIRST STORY; Theme for a friend's wedding*)

* Reportedly it was for KTR

I have always been a fan of good acoustic guitar ballads. Glad to see this being kept alive by younger generation of guitarists like YouTube star Sungha Jung.

UK's playing is reminiscent of Artful Dodger or that kind of artists. A rock guitarist I can think of who has this kind of acoustic flair is Vito Bratta formerly of White Lion. A certain sound UK made is a technique my brother once tried to teach me many years ago. You do it by lightly pressing the string with your finger joint rather than your fingertip. It was bloody hell difficult and I gave up.

* UK is pronounced as "oo-kay". Check him out here. He’s the one with the acoustic guitar.

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This version is also Nob's favourite from this album. He said so in this NO Music NO Life interview with Tower Records. Of all the tracks on this album, he hopes the most for people to listen to this one.

How fitting! I was thinking of Nob the whole time when I first listened to this version, knowing that he played the acoustic guitar on 21 Miles. I commented in my ANTITHESE review that Nob has this touch of gentleness with his guitar playing. No surprise he likes UK's style.

This version finally fulfils what I want a wedding song to be. At least for my kind of wedding. Romantic and intimate. Just like a wedding should be a celebration of you and your spouse, this one celebrates the intimacy of a soft singing voice and a gently picked guitar.

At the end of the day though, whether you choose this or the original, it depends on what kind of a wedding it is. I personally will take this one. But as romantic as it is, this one will get lost in a grand wedding XD

7. REVIVER Original Hortensia Saga version

(Music: Hiro & ZENTA, Lyrics: Hiro; Theme for Hortensia Saga smartphone game)

This is the one that originally went to the trailer. I have no idea why they made another version but "double REVIVER", I'm not complaining. Hey, I get to hear Teruki Nishizawa working it up TWICE!

The guitars really are different. This one has less crunchy rhythm guitar. The clean guitar line in the intro plays along interchangeably with the synthesizer instead. This version would sound stronger Live with actual TWO guitarists in my opinion. I would say once Sho comes back, they can opt to play this instead of the MV version.

Teru created a different and speedier guitar solo for this version. He left all the power chords to the other one. He also built up the guitar line towards the ending and held the notes there. This is the part that I initially found missing when I first watched the MV.

Both versions are good. I don't really prefer one over the other. I just feel that the MV version is more suitable for a single guitarist Live. This one needs two guitarists onstage to bring out the Live feel for the double guitar layering. One guitarist with backing tracks doesn't have the same impact, at least to my ears. But if you don't mind that, it doesn't matter which version they choose then (^^)

Additional thoughts:

I'm glad I got those 3 Editions of the album. Understandably, some musically younger fans can feel totally alienated by the old school references the guys kept making throughout the album. Looks like the members' tastes are from a different generation than their audience. Strangely, I did not mention Kid'z at all in any of the songs. He kinda not stood out too much this time. He's high-energy as usual. He played his parts well but he didn't dominate the band. Live is a different story I'm sure XD

#my first story #all lead tracks #review #hiroki moriuchi #teruki nishizawa #nobuaki katou #kid'z

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i-am-very-very-tired · 7 years ago

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March 9, 2015 8:13 PM I brush, floss, and rinse with fluoride twice daily. Why do I always get cavities? I am asking a question for which it seems science has no answer. All my life I have had a problem with cavities. Most of my family has this problem (both immediate and extended) so it seems like it has to be at least a little bit genetic. However dentists always want to interrogate me on the lifestyle factors, so I always feel like I have to bring a character witness with me to affirm: *I brush twice daily with the Sonicare toothbrush. I use Pronamel toothpaste. I know the proper "technique" for brushing. I have a subscription for new toothbrush heads so they are changed on schedule. *I use ACT fluoride rinse twice daily. I do not eat or drink for at least 30 minutes thereafter, but usually longer. *I floss with the Reach wand each evening. Like most people, if I eat something where things conspicuously get stuck in my teeth, I will floss additionally. *I drink a can of soda probably about 3 times a week. Otherwise I drink water and unsweetened herbal and black teas (the latter of which leads to a lot of staining, but that is a different issue). I don't drink juice on any kind of routine basis. *I do not smoke or drink coffee. *My diet is diverse, but skews toward Mediterranean due to my heritage. So I eat a lot of vegetables, salad, fish, pasta, etc. I also like Asian and Indian food, and will indulge in the occasional hotdog or unhealthy snack. But overall most would characterize me as a healthy eater. I do not generally eat very crunchy foods. I have been on this regimen for at least over a decade. I have always brushed my teeth and taken basic care, but at the same time have always gotten cavities. This would result in the dentist giving me The Lecture and saying, "Now, I understand you are already using an electric toothbrush, but CLEARLY it is not as good as the Sonicare otherwise you would not be getting all these cavities..." So I kept ramping up my efforts until I landed where I am, to no positive effect. Six months ago I was at the dentist. They didn't do an x-ray and said my teeth looked okay. This time, though, they did the x-ray and found that I have SEVEN cavities in between my teeth and one may need a crown. This is the worst diagnosis I have ever gotten. They said they will probably want to do x-rays on me every six months now in order to keep a track of things. This is my third dentist. I like him, but he has no compelling ideas of why this happens or how to prevent it. I was quoted $1500 to fix all the cavities (more if I do need the crown), but he mentioned that I might just need all of this work again in no time since we cannot ascertain why this continues to happen. Pretty much any time I go to the dentist they report that I have at least one or two cavities. I consider those "good" trips to the dentist. Once the dentist works his way to the bottom of the interrogation list then we get to diet, and suggestions skew towards "Well, instead of 3 cans of pop a week, how about you never drink soda again?" My diet is great in terms of my health, so if it is to the point where I have to change it just for my teeth, then who even needs teeth? It's not like I'm eating bags of Jolly Ranchers or anything crazy. I feel like they get hung up on this because there is nothing left to try. I am not sure what else to do. It seems like I must just stop using my mouth for eating and drinking and go on an intravenous diet and see what happens. As far as I can tell there are no compelling theories for this phenomenon. This latest dentist even thought of a few off the script questions to ask me (i.e. "Did you ever live anywhere else [in case the tap water there was horrible]?"). He says saliva that is intrinsically too acidic is not a possibility. Has anyone ever had this problem and come up with a miracle solution? Are there emerging scientific theories and treatments? I feel so disinclined to spend all that money for something that just seems to be a chronic condition. posted by Angel de Lune to Health & Fitness (65 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite Xylitol is clinically proven to reduce cavities - try sugar free gum after meals? posted by bq at 8:22 PM on March 9, 2015 A huge part of it is genetic. If you have crappy teeth, good oral hygiene will only minimise the effects of that :( posted by DarlingBri at 8:22 PM on March 9, 2015 Do you happen to be on hormonal birth control? I had constant cavity issues that resolved when I went off the pill and came back during pregnancy. My dentist at the time, a dental school professor, said it wasn't an unusual side effect of increased female hormones. Another thing that seems to have helped is that my insurance now pays for three cleanings per year instead of two. Might be worth an extra $100 per year to pay for an additional cleaning out of pocket. posted by Cecilia Rose at 8:23 PM on March 9, 2015 Man I'm sorry your dentists have been so lecturey. Here are things that have contributed to cavities in my family: 1) Genetics. My brother & sister are both genetically disposed to excess buildup (I want to say tartar buildup but I don't think that's right). Their dentist often commented on the fact that they were just plain genetically predisposed to lots of cavities, and they both have to be extra careful 2) Bad previous dental care. I had a bad dentist who did a bad job putting sealants on my teeth as a child and I got cavities under every single one. I have also gotten several cavities under existing fillings, just because they were badly done (future dentists were pissed about this). What to do: Only thing I can recommend is post-lunch brushing (or post-any meal). And get a dentist who's not a jerk. posted by brainmouse at 8:24 PM on March 9, 2015 Did you grow up in a place without flouridated water? I did and my teeth are cavity-prone. My sister, however, grew up with me and has very few cavities. Also dental technology has improved over the past decade so that dentists can see mini-cavities that didn't even show up before and they're getting more proactive about handling them sooner. So a combination of - genetics maybe - upbringing maybe - proactive dentists maybe And it may be also that you are sensitive to the dentist's questions because at some level when you're doing everything you can you just have to laugh and say "Yeah, teeth, huh?" Some dental offices are more judgey than others. posted by jessamyn at 8:24 PM on March 9, 2015 I've gotten cavities even though I brush at least twice a day and floss at least once a day (usually more). I don't smoke or drink soda. My dentist told me I'm doing the right things, and it's probably just genetic. posted by John Cohen at 8:25 PM on March 9, 2015 I agree with brainmouse. It couldn't hurt to start brushing after lunch. posted by Kevtaro at 8:27 PM on March 9, 2015 How old are you ? I had tons of cavities and such when I was younger - and level of hygiene just never seemed to matter. As I got into my 30s, I started getting problem teeth replaced with crowns and it's made a world of difference. It's expensive, so start saving now, but those man made teeth hold up way better than my natural ones ever did - and as a bonus they are nowhere near as temperature sensitive. posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:27 PM on March 9, 2015 I got cavities until I stopped flossing and started using the water-pik things. Not a single cavity since. YMMV. posted by H. Roark at 8:36 PM on March 9, 2015 Pasta, bread, rice and other carbs will cause cavities. posted by Nevin at 8:37 PM on March 9, 2015 I am 29 years old. I have lived in Chicago my whole life so always had fluoride in the water. I went to the same dentist until I was in my 20s and they were always accusatory jerks, so the take home message was always "this will hurt and be expensive and YOU could have prevented this if only..." I then went to a different dentist who was crazy expensive, they wanted like $800 just for a consultation and told me that marks left by my long-removed braces were cavities that needed to be filled. We didn't even get as far as x-rays. Finally I went to my latest dentist who dispelled the notion that my braces marks were anything to worry about, but he did give me all of this other bad news. He did suggest that my first dentist might have given me low quality fillings, resulting in many recurrences. The thing about the "start brushing after lunch" idea is it is just another way to ramp up my efforts when it seems like it is just a teardrop in the ocean of all the changes I've already made that created no difference. It's not like that's the divide between me and people that don't get cavities. I am feeling really cynical about further lifestyle changes at this point, when I've been so compliant for years and gotten nothing out of it. posted by Angel de Lune at 8:40 PM on March 9, 2015 Do you sip your soda over a long time period? I know that a continuous wash of sugar can be hard on your teeth. This would be true of fruit juices, too. Also, carbs, like bread, that stay in contact with your teeth for a long time (as they get stuck in the crevices of your teeth) are also more like to cause cavities. Brushing more often after meals could help. posted by dawg-proud at 8:40 PM on March 9, 2015 Okay, I posted after your update, and I know you are frustrated with changes that don't seem to help, but I really recommend that you not give up. It is absolutely true that you can be genetically prone to cavities. I am sure that my mother was. However, she gave up and made the situation for her teeth so much worse, and so much more expensive. Brushing after lunch for six months and evaluating then is so much less costly than crowns and root canals. I am absolutely not preaching, I am very sympathetic, and hope you find something that works. posted by dawg-proud at 8:45 PM on March 9, 2015 Could it be an issue with saliva production/dry mouth? Has any dentist suggested daily flouride trays? I wonder if they are seeing tartar buildup in addition to cavities, which is why they're asking about lifestyle stuff. But yes, my understanding, as someone with lots of fillings, is that badly done fillings can leave places for bacteria to collect that brushing can't reach. posted by muddgirl at 8:46 PM on March 9, 2015 I DON'T floss and I don't do a fluoride rinse, but I have literally never had a cavity. Literally never! I'm 34. I grew up super poor and had pretty inconsistent dental care in the first 20-ish years of my life. Your problem (and my tremendous good fortune) is 100% genetic. I do agree that your dentist sounds like kind of a jerk. posted by kate blank at 8:47 PM on March 9, 2015 I've had similar issues with my teeth, and the culprit turned out to be a bad case of dry mouth (caused by a combination of nightly CPAP use and various prescription medications). Might be something to look into. Xylitol mints and Biotene mouth spray have helped, and I have far fewer cavities these days. posted by Vervain at 8:47 PM on March 9, 2015 Are you getting enough calcium? posted by brujita at 8:51 PM on March 9, 2015 Not sure what you mean by fluoride tray? I do rinse with the ACT fluoride rinse twice daily. This latest dentist did ask about dry mouth, but it's not really a problem I've noticed. I told him I've had sinus problems and asked if the post nasal drip could be related, but he said no. I've been told that I don't have a tartar problem, my enamel is not thin, and my gums are good. In fact it is extra infuriating because at first glance hygienists and dentists have given me compliments on how good my teeth and gums look but then when they get into it and find all the cavities they change their tune. posted by Angel de Lune at 8:51 PM on March 9, 2015 I've pretty much been you. I do most of what you already do--the Sonicare, mouthwash, etc. Two things occur to me: (a) How often do you go to your dentist for a cleaning? Because in addition to all of what you're doing, I go four times a year because I have to get the plaque/whatever cleaned off more frequently. And I've managed to go years without a cavity now. (b) GET ANOTHER DENTIST. I've seen a lot of dentists who had no effing idea what to do with me and my problem mouth, and it sounds like yours is the same way. Try to find someone else who doesn't just nag you to get another Sonicare and throws up his hands. posted by jenfullmoon at 8:55 PM on March 9, 2015 I also have genetically bad teeth and my latest hygienist strongly encouraged me to at least rinse my mouth with water after lunch. I haven't gotten up the fortitude to make it a habit yet, but I do see women brushing their teeth and rinsing with mouthwash in the bathroom after lunch. If you do start brushing midday though, keep in mind that you can't have anything acidic (e.g. soda) in the 30 minutes beforehand. That will destroy your already weak enamel. posted by serelliya at 8:55 PM on March 9, 2015 Do you/could you drink your sodas through a straw? posted by tomboko at 8:57 PM on March 9, 2015 It can definitely be genetic. I am kind of the opposite of you in that I am not very careful with my teeth at all, ate tons of sugar for most of my life, and never flossed until I was in my late twenties. I have never had a cavity at all. Same with all my genetic relatives. I think you just got unlucky, and should do what you can, and then tell your dentist to stop lecturing or you'll change practices. posted by lollusc at 9:08 PM on March 9, 2015 (Dentist practices, that is, not your tooth-brushing practices.) posted by lollusc at 9:08 PM on March 9, 2015 I don't know if I would brush any more than you already are. My mom used to be a 3-a-day brusher until the dentist pointed out it was wearing down her enamel and making her more prone to cavities. posted by schroedinger at 9:09 PM on March 9, 2015 Well I have changed dental practices at last. I am hoping since this new dentist was talking smack about my last dentist's filling capabilities that he will do a much better job and maybe this will make a difference to my life (and be worth the money). And yes, that is another reason I am skeptical about brushing more than twice daily (wearing down the enamel). My mom tried that route and was told that it was making things worse for her. She also goes in for cleanings every 3 months but still has a mouth full of crowns and cavities. However she is a chain smoker and a chain coffee drinker, so I am not sure how much comparison between us is relevant. ;) posted by Angel de Lune at 9:15 PM on March 9, 2015 Another religious brusher/flosser with terrible mouth genetics here. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw. My teeth are actually not cavity-prone--it's that my gums just hate my teeth, and vice versa, and therefore want to die. No matter what. All of my relatives are the same. Honestly? We all just get dentures at alarmingly young ages. Full-mouth implants eventually became MORE cost-effective for my mother than the endless root canal/gum grafting/bone grafting circus that was otherwise going to be the entire rest of her life. It's still really really expensive, but I imagine that will change in the next couple of decades. posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:16 PM on March 9, 2015 I'm sorta like you... If I do *All The Things* I can decrease (but not eliminate) cavities. My super nice dentist said my teeth and gums look great, some people are just prone. I'm with Jessamyn though... My siblings and husband were all exposed to fluoride as infants (oral drops, water supply) and none of them have ever had a cavity. I didn't get fluoride until I was a toddler. posted by jrobin276 at 9:19 PM on March 9, 2015 I took my three kids to the dentist today and he recommended a prescription flouride toothpaste for one of them. Maybe when you get a non-asshole dentist you could ask them about it? Also want to add to the pile that it's way more genetics than you thought. My husband takes care of his teeth so well and always gets a 'so-so' at the dentist. I have horrible, horrible, horrible habits and the same dentist says 'looks good!'. Genes. posted by 58 at 9:20 PM on March 9, 2015 Get another dentist. Ask older folks you know (50s/60s, who take care of their teeth) for recommendations. I love going to the dentist. It's like a spa treatment to me. But dentists do have to sell the services to you more than other health care providers, and one of their sales tactics is to make you feel bad about yourself. If you are left questioning your hygiene, you might not be thinking too critically about all the treatments being pushed. And I say this as a person who loves dentistry. Find a new dentist whom you trust and like. Also - all your efforts are not for nothing - you sound very kissable! Keep it up! posted by stowaway at 9:23 PM on March 9, 2015 [Hey there, Angel de Lune, just to let you know, AskMe isn't a venue for a back-and-forth discussion. You've asked your question; now people will answer, and you can mark the ones you find most helpful. Thanks.] posted by LobsterMitten at 9:30 PM on March 9, 2015 While genetics probably play a part in it, there's truth in what Nevin says above. This is an e-book, but you don't need to read it, just scroll down to the pictures of people and you'll get the idea. Keep scrolling, there's a lot of them. The basic point, though, is that eating "modern" foods, like processed carbs and sugar, is what causes dental problems. There's case after case offered as examples. If you seriously want to keep from getting cavities, why not avoid processed food for 6 months and see what happens? posted by MexicanYenta at 9:31 PM on March 9, 2015 I've never been a sweets person, I'm a bread person. Seconding bread, pasta, and other carbs, per my dentist. All those carbs stuck in you teeth until the next time you brush break down into sugars pretty quickly. posted by Room 641-A at 9:37 PM on March 9, 2015 I mentioned upthread that pasta, bread, rice and other carbs can cause cavities. Also how frequently you eat will cause cavitieisas well. If you are snacking (rather than eating 2 or 3 meals a day) you may be more prone to cavities. Brushing one's teeth and flossing kind of helps, but what you eat, and when you eat is more important. posted by Nevin at 9:48 PM on March 9, 2015 2nding brainmouse that if you had bad work done in the past, it can have a knock-on effect. A dentist might not recognize this because they're not thinking too deeply or because they're not experienced enough to have seen this pattern over a number of patients. (Or more uncharitably, they might be loathe to undermine a colleague's work/their profession.) Keep looking for a dentist; agree with getting a dentist at least in mid-career. Ask for recs. posted by cotton dress sock at 10:01 PM on March 9, 2015 Oh sorry. Seconding your current dentist also. posted by cotton dress sock at 10:06 PM on March 9, 2015 Do you have a dry mouth? Some medications will have a dry mouth as a side effect and some people just have a dry mouth naturally, but I've been told by two dentists now and a vet that a dry mouth is the #1 cause of cavities in humans and animals. I'm on high-flow oxygen and even though it's blowing into my nose and not into my mouth, it hits the inside of my mouth continously and my teeth are just about gone now; in fact, I'm getting what's left of them extracted in the next few weeks and dentures to replace them, which is not exactly thrilling me. But when I wailed to the dentist that I work SO hard to keep my teeth in good repair and they just disintegrate anyway, he said it's because of the dry mouth caused by the oxygen. And he said that many people are on meds that cause the same problem. I'm sorry - I feel your pain. posted by aryma at 10:07 PM on March 9, 2015 Oh, and I forgot to mention that GERD - acid reflux - can be a quiet source of tooth decay also. posted by aryma at 10:08 PM on March 9, 2015 My partners mom is a dental hygienist with moving up on several decades of experience. Any question like this, she'll instantly shut down the discussion saying it's just genetics and luck of the draw. Some people never get cavities and are more prone to gum disease, and some people get cavities but almost never get gum disease. It's a give and take. All the dentists she's worked with agreed with that. Two siblings can grow up in the same family, in exact the same conditions, eating the same food and everything and one will get tons of cavities and the other wont. I've seen it happen in several families, and she's seen it happen in hundreds. I've even seen it move to the sibling that constantly has problems getting really methodical and having a regimented care routine and still just having endless decay, while the other sibling stops brushing their teeth more than once a week and never has any problems despite that. I have a feeling this is one of those things like the gut bacteria-obesity link where in 20 years or less it'll have just been definitively proven. It sucks, but it really seems like for a non zero number of people you can do everything right and still just have endless problems with this. posted by emptythought at 10:37 PM on March 9, 2015 I have pretty poor oral hygiene, and only recently have brushed more often than not at night. there was a period when I would wake up from hunger in the middle of the night for a sugary snack and go back to bed without brushing. I'm pretty sure I don't have cavities. The one thing that sets me apart is that I drink a ton of water, key element: sipping throughout the day. Water neutralizes acidity to a certain extent, and drinking is like rinsing, which is a poor substitute for brushing. So, get used to drinking water and my favorite -sipping on cups of artificially sweetened tea. Hope this helps! posted by kinoeye at 10:44 PM on March 9, 2015 I hear you, this is frustrating. I have crappy teeth and take more diligent care of them than anyone I know. Now my 13-month-old daughter, who we hold down to brush her teeth every night, and who has never had juice or a bottle in her life, is getting cavities, too. It's maddening. I think it's a combination of different things: To a certain extent, cavities are subjective. In my experience, dentists with digital x-rays pick up more and earlier cavities. Some dentists are more conservative, willing to wait and see if a cavity progresses to something. Others are more aggressive and want to fill and drill everything. I drive 2 hours to see my childhood dentist, who is extremely old school and conservative and doesn't want to put in fillings if it's not absolutely necessary because that can cause problems down the line. Dental work can lead to more dental work. Fillings--both composite and amalgam--fail over time, necessitating drilling deeper to repair. Composite fillings can mess up your bite. Sometimes food gets trapped under a poorly-smoothed filling and causes decay. And any time you go in there and drill, you risk inflaming the nerve, which is how I ended up with two abscesses and two root canals right after I got fillings in teeth that had never bothered me before. This nasty asshole. S. mutans is an infectious disease. Not everyone has the right bacteria in their mouth to cause cavities in the first place. Bruxism/grinding. This is a big one for me. I've had dentists casually mention that my wear on my back teeth looked like it was from grinding but no one ever suggested that it might be the cause of my decay, which has only ever been in my molars, often over and over again in the same teeth. I recently did some research and it turns out that bruxism can cause cavities. Whoops. I don't grind my teeth to my knowledge, but I do clench and it's only recently, after a period of stress and an aching jaw, that I've realized how bad it is. Diet. You can go down a long rabbit hole of the Weston A. Price diet/holistic dentistry and curing tooth decay naturally. Vitamins K2 and D are especially important. I'm adding fermented cod liver oil and grass fed butter to my diet and my daughter's diet, because I figure it can't hurt. I've definitely been d-deficient during times in my life and apparently people who don't eat a lot of animal proteins (vegans) sometimes have worse teeth. There are things you can do for some of this: finding a conservative dentist who you trust is key, you can get a custom mouthguard off amazon for pretty cheap if you grind your teeth, you can take supplements, make dietary changes, get prescription toothpastes like gel kam and try something like mi paste to remineralize your teeth. But it's a balance, I think. I wouldn't be happy if I were going to never eat another clementine or handful of jelly beans as a snack, if I were to brush 4x a day instead of two, and I doubt it would help that much, anyway. posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:45 PM on March 9, 2015 Oh! Also, look into your diet. I think it's pretty conclusive that diets rich in animal fat and protein prevent cavities, while diets rich in refined carbs promote them. IIRC, they did a study on a a traditional style hunter gatherer population, and the people didn't brush their teeth yet had amazing teeth. It was only the introduction of refined carbs to these societies (including a population in Japan I think?) that coincided with cavities. posted by kinoeye at 10:49 PM on March 9, 2015 Find a dentist who trusts you about home care. Look into the hormonal issue if you are a woman; I too have chronically bad teeth and when I was pregnant I was getting cavities and infections EVERYWHERE and especially along the gumline. My hygienist said this is absolutely typical for pregnant woman who I guess get all kinds of swelling and for some people this causes serious problems. Get cleanings every 3 months instead of 6. You're doing enough. Keep at it. A lot of people are like this and you're not alone. I have great home care too and every tooth in my mouth has a cavity. I've even lost a tooth. It sucks, but it's what I got. I just have to keep up with my home care and let the dentist fix what gets through the cracks. posted by annekate at 11:00 PM on March 9, 2015 Looks like they're still working on the caries vaccine, but keep your eye out for it! posted by aniola at 12:29 AM on March 10, 2015 Hello, fellow cavity sufferer. Like you, I take religious care of my teeth, and I still get cavities on a fairly frequent basis. It wasn't until I moved to the UK and talked to a private (and awesome!) dentist there that I got the following information: Cavities can be very genetic. It might have to do with the pH of you saliva or the composition of bacteria in your mouth. You can brush your teeth three times a day, floss, and not eat any sweets and still get cavities. This doesn't mean that you might as well give up, but it does mean that some people, like us, just have to be a Perfect 10 on dental hygiene if we want to keep our teeth. I use a special prescription toothpaste. If you're in the US, it's likely that your toothpaste has a lower concentration of fluoride than the average that you find in the UK. To really prevent cavities in those of us who are high risk, you have to get a super-fluorided toothpaste. I get Colgate's Duraphat 5000 (that's 5000ppm of fluoride). It's pricier than normal toothpaste, but I've been on it for a year now and I think it's kept the level of cavity decay down. I've also changed my brushing and flossing habits. I used to rinse my mouth with water after brushing, then floss, then rinse with a fluoride mouthwash. It turns out that all this rinsing was washing out all the fluoride from my toothpaste, thus making my hygienic routine useless. Nowadays I rinse first with water (to get out the chunks of food between my teeth), then I floss, then finally I brush with Duraphat. I don't rinse with anything (no more fluoride mouthwash, because the fluoride concentration is lower than that of my toothpaste) , and I try to make sure the toothpaste doesn't bubble or foam in my mouth at all when I brush. That means no wetting your toothbrush pre-brushing. I just spit out the toothpaste afterward, so I can feel a thin film of toothpaste on my teeth when I'm done. I also brush with regular toothpaste right after lunch, and floss if I feel that there is food stuck. If I can't reach a toothbrush, I chew Xylitol gum for about half and hour. I drink my coffee without sugar and artificial sweeteners, so it's just milk and coffee (the milk makes it less acidic). I don't have any soda at all, and I try to minimize snacking. Snacking without brushing is one of those things that also puts you into a higher risk category for cavities. Apparently fruits are also high acid and can cause enamel erosion, so it's recommended that you wait for 20 mins after eating fruits or drinking acidic drinks (like soda, wine and coffee) before you brush. Otherwise, you're actually brushing when your enamel is being softened by the acid, which can exacerbate your cavity-prone situation. Anyways, that's what I do, and that's what I was told. I know it seems unfair, my wife can eat and snack on whatever she wants and she's only ever had one cavity in her life, whereas I get about one per year now. Some of us just have to deal with the fact that we're naturally a higher risk category, and we have to keep up or change our routines. Maybe try a better toothpaste and changing your ritual? If you are a foamy brusher or if you rinse afterward, don't! Making those changes has made a difference in the amount of cavities I have. posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 2:39 AM on March 10, 2015 I hope your current dentist is less judgy and lecturey! Dentists, of all people, ought to know that whether you have perfect teeth or a mouthful of cavities has a lot to do with the luck of the genetic draw. Don't give up on finding a dentist who believes in customer service! Have you been checked for GERD/acid reflux? My dad had a lot of problems with gum disease and tooth decay, and once he got his severe GERD and ulcers treated, his teeth became much healthier too. The acid backwash in his mouth was eating away at his teeth. posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:38 AM on March 10, 2015 I didn't notice any posts while skimming mention this... Calcium bicarbonate. A toothpaste with a decent amount added(arm & hammer maximum baking soda is what i use) will bond to the calcium in your teeth and even repair minor cavities. It's miracle stuff. Toms makes a baking soda mouth wash too. Also flourosis. This is what happens when too much flouride is put on the enamel on teeth. It actually starts to eat it away and will significantly reduce the shine of enamel and leave you prone to cavities. Google it. Also flouride was originally used after the discovery of "Texas teeth" which was caused by Calcium-Flouride. If you check the ingredients on your toothpaste and mouthwash you will see it is not this chemical compound and is either sodium flouride or the other long name one i forget. I do not doubt that flouride bonds to enamel and helps. The effectiveness of the chemicals used today in water and toothpaste i do doubt how effective they are. Also genetics is huge. Also my mom said she started taking vitamin d3 and this helped her teeth. It helps with the absorption of calcium immensely. The same as the suns Rays which also contain the true vitamin d we need for this process. 50% of organ failure is caused by calcium build up in organs caused by the lack of vitamin d.. just a side note. I do use fluoridated toothpaste and alcohol based rinses. I switch them up daily with more natural products as well, like Toms baking soda wash and neem toothpaste(sans-flouride). Please use baking soda somewhere in your regimens. Good luck with your teeth!. Flouride rinse twice a day is probably over kill with regular toothpaste use. Those little new floss tooth picks are awesome and water picks are cool too. Get the softer picks also, not the hard plastic ones. posted by bfease at 4:40 AM on March 10, 2015 Novamin is a compound that helps remineralize and rebuild enamel. It's in toothpastes in Europe but hasn't made it through for approval in the US yet. It's available imported from Europe via Amazon. I got it for my husband who is very prone to cavities and grew up just east of where you are now, along with a Sonicare he is religious about using at least once per day. He's been cavity free for a year now. We also moved to the eastern seaboard so the water etc. are different, but it might help you too. posted by bookdragoness at 6:38 AM on March 10, 2015 There is a theory espoused by Dr. Gerald Judd that there is a continuous cycle of demineralization and remineralization of teeth. He believes that the glycerine in toothpaste blocks the remineralization. He recommends brushing with soap, not toothpaste. Also, he thinks flouride is terrible. For decades I had terrible tooth sensitivity. Even though I used sensitivity toothpaste, if I ate anything acidic (fruit, pickles) I could not even brush my teeth because of the intense pain. I heard about tooth soap and after 3 weeks I can eat fruit, pickles, sauerkraut. I do not know if it would help with your cavities, but it seems like more remineralization might mean fewer cavities. I have not had any cavities in the 5 years that I have been using soap (just deteriorating existing fillings and crowns). Also, my gums seem to be getting better. This is a tooth soap I like. I like the mint and hate the clove. posted by H21 at 7:21 AM on March 10, 2015 Just wanted to offer my sympathies. I am also 29 and while I have excellent dental hygiene, I also constantly get new cavities. It's so unfair. Things I've been told to do: sip water while eating ANYTHING sweet, EVEN FRUIT. Brush after lunch. Use prescription fluoride toothpaste. Use "MI PASTE" calcium and fluoride paste. Never, ever eat sweets or drink soda. posted by Cygnet at 7:34 AM on March 10, 2015 Do you have your wisdom teeth? I have three wisdom teeth and decided not to get them removed because they all came in pretty much without a problem. I am now finding that they are causing my other teeth to move a bit, mostly closer together. I eat healthy and while I haven't always been the best about flossing, I never developed a cavity until my wisdom teeth came in. My dentist, whom I trust and who has not led me astray before, says the cavities are caused by my teeth cracking due to the pressure of the wisdom teeth shoving them around. posted by Urban Winter at 7:49 AM on March 10, 2015 I also sympathize. Things that have reduced my cavity train from 5 in a visit to 1 in 10 years: - bite guard for night - I have a custom one because it's more comfortable to me, but a cheapo one you kind of mold to your mouth works, too - very, very little soda - very little fruit outside of meals - lots of water - prescription toothpaste - this has worked better than act fluoride rinse did posted by Ms Vegetable at 7:55 AM on March 10, 2015 Here's how to choose a dentist: are there big, glossy ads for them all over town/TV with headshots showing their perfect white teeth and taglines like "We're in the SMILES business!"...? They are not your dentist. When you go in does the lobby look like a set in a Kubrick film? They are not your dentist. Do they discover that they need to do another crown every single time you go in there? THEY ARE NOT YOUR DENTIST. I lost one tooth to a crown-happy freakshow like this and fled after she discovered another molar in dire need of crowning. Never again. This was like five years ago and the needful molar is still in my head, unmolested, because I switched to university faculty practice. They operate out of a secret lair deep in the dental school that nobody knows about. They don't advertise. They don't have a massive office staff that gives you an appointment card and then mails out reminders--you have to remember, yourself, because they aren't paying anybody to remember for you. The lobby is a room with some unassuming lobby chairs in it and a poster or two from 1986 and 10-year-old carpet. They don't need to flog teethwhitening or do unnecessary crowns in order to pay for billboards. Consequently, I spend a whole lot less money, I have many more of the teeth I was born with, and my dentists are the same people teaching dentistry to the next crop of dentists to come out of the school, so I'm pretty sure they're on top of any new dentistry developments. If you don't happen to live in a community with a big university dental school, visit several dentists before you let anybody drill. Find the most conservative one in town. posted by Don Pepino at 7:56 AM on March 10, 2015 Adding my sympathies. Nthing perhaps it is genetic. I have never had a cavity at 46 years old. Believe me, it's not super oral care -- sure I brush (with a regular brush) and floss (most of the time) but I am not super careful about it. My dentist has told me I am just lucky and it's my genetics. (I do have a major crown -- since I chipped a tooth in half -- so not super lucky.) My partner -- who is a much better flosser -- and uses a Sonicare all the time -- gets cavities. posted by Lescha at 7:59 AM on March 10, 2015 Happens to me too. I have soft teeth, always have, always will. I do all those things you talk about. posted by Jewel98 at 8:46 AM on March 10, 2015 nth-ing genetics. Not your fault. Also, another vote here for MI Paste Plus fluoridated toothpaste. It's like a mini-fluoride treatment at every brushing, plus correctly balanced bio-available calcium/phosphate for your tooth enamel. It's been incredibly helpful to me, I get it from my dentist. Even available on Amazon. posted by k8oglyph at 9:06 AM on March 10, 2015 My sister and I never, ever got cavities but my little brother gets them all the time. Our dentist guessed that it was because he had had a fever at some certain age when he was a baby (my mom confirmed.). Apparently a badly timed fever can spoil your enamel for life. posted by BusyBusyBusy at 9:28 AM on March 10, 2015 oh man, seconding Don Pepino's advice on choosing a dentist. I tend to go to dentists whose degrees are from impressive programs but whose offices are, like, a couple of rooms above a CVS. Sure, I'm still probably paying for the dentist's boat, or their kids' college funds, but somehow those don't necessitate the high-intervention hard sell that recurring ad costs and skyrocketing rent seem to. The first thing I say to any dentist: I have never had cosmetic dentistry, and I don't want it; I just want my teeth to chew food and not hurt. If they seem even the slightest bit grumpy about that, I bail. My current dentist and I joke about how we both grew up poor, and she readily admits that while she does a lot of adult braces, they would likely be a pointless intervention at my age (whereas every. other. dentist. I've been to has tried to sell me on cosmetic braces). I don't even think she does veneers or any of that stuff. And my teeth and gums are doing better under her care than they ever have before...not least because I actually GO to see her. posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:05 AM on March 10, 2015 I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses, but I wanted to suggest something that has completely changed my life (well, my dental life anyway): the gum stimulator. My dentist gave me one of these about a year ago, to clean a specific section of one of my molars where there was some recession (and therefore a tiny hole that food was getting into). After a few weeks, I started using it after flossing/brushing to gently wipe along the gum line of all my teeth. My dentist hadn't suggested this use, but I just started doing it one day. I couldn't believe how much thick sticky clear gunk was coming up as I used it. I just run the tap and rinse this stuff off of the stimulator after it accumulates a bit on the tip. At any rate, when I went for my first dental cleaning after starting this regimen, the hygienist couldn't believe how clean my teeth were. I guess using this thing before your plaque hardens makes a huge difference. I didn't really have a problem with cavities before, but there used to be a bunch of hardened plaque for the hygienist to clean off..... now there is hardly anything. So it could help you if you tried using it. It usually only takes me about 2-3 minutes extra in the evening. I actually find it really satisfying to get all that gross stuff off my teeth. I thought I was getting my teeth clean before, since I floss and brush properly every night. But I was surprised at how much gunk is still left on the teeth afterwards. posted by barnoley at 10:36 AM on March 10, 2015 Some ideas. Do you have sinus problems or mouth breath when you sleep? Your mouth drying out at night can increase cavities? Do you grind your teeth at all? Are you sure? I would have sworn black & blue I didn't tooth grind but it turns out when I'm stressed I do in my sleep. While it hasn't done huge direct amounts of damage with direct grinding wear and tear it does weaken/crack the enamel so I am more prone to cavities. You can get at home fluoride treatments & also sealers put on your teeth which may help. posted by wwax at 10:41 AM on March 10, 2015 Has anyone mentioned Sjogren's Syndrome to you, yet? It's a not exactly rare autoimmune disease in young women (Venus Williams has it) -- your body attacks moisture producing glands, usually saliva and tears are what people notice (in my case I didn't feel like I had a dry mouth but my saliva had turned acidic). The road to my diagnosis was bumpy because of shaming about oral health care. I went from having no cavities at age 27 to what my dentist called (not to my face!) "meth mouth" at 28. It was totally insane; my teeth began sort of slow motion crumbling and my dentist just smirked and smirked and smirked. I only got to the root of the problem when I went to my rheumatologist (MD). They do blood tests and salivary gland biopsies to diagnose this. The Sjogren's Foundation has a list of friendly dentists available via their hotline - I bet that would be a resource to you regardless. Those dentists tend to be health focused. What helps Sjogren's people is toothpaste, mouth wash and artificial saliva for dry mouth (dentist words: Xerostemia or Sicca Syndrome -- but don't quote me on that). Plus deep (periodontal) cleanings every three months. Lately I've been going in ~once a week to try to stay ahead, after avoiding stuff for a long time. I hope this isn't your problem but a nurse telling me about it probably saved my teeth! posted by sweltering at 11:16 AM on March 10, 2015 I would also like to suggest xylitol. It actually inhibits bacteria growth by staving it, which cuts down on plaque. When I use it regularly it keeps my mouth feeling so much cleaner. I use a toothpaste with xylitol and fluoride and eat xylitol mints after meals. Sometimes I also add a tablespoon of granulated xylitol to a big jug of water which I drink through out the day. 6-10 grams per day is the suggested amount for dental uses. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylitol#Dental_care posted by Shanda at 11:28 AM on March 10, 2015 Oh and there are absolutely medications to help! I take Salagen which does exactly what it sounds like. My now-dentist is really impressed by how it's improved my dry mouth as well as keeping the saliva better balanced. The first week you drool but this is a small tradeoff. I have been told it works for anybody with dry mouth, saliva not right somehow or Sjogren's. I know there are two others but they interact with my medications somehow undesirable. I'd really suggest going to an MD, re: sicca syndrome, dry mouth (xerostemia - Also? I denied that my eyes were dry when they tested me for that and it turned out I had no tear production) or Sjogren's. Mine got so bad I got a jaw infection and lost three teeth. Don't be avoidant like me. This could be your whole system. Oh, and the oral surgeon I ended up with, a specialist in these things, was able to bill my medical insurance because it was systemic. That was huge and I got better care. posted by sweltering at 11:33 AM on March 10, 2015 Have you tried drinking more water? Since I was a baby, I've always required much more than average drinking water, which in turn keeps my teeth strong. Drinking more water keeps the saliva flowing, and saliva has calcium and other minerals that keep teeth strong. Can't hurt to try. Keep a water bottle next to you and make sure you are sipping it in addition to your normal liquid consumption. posted by Neekee at 12:50 PM on March 10, 2015 Just nthing what emptythought said - my sister and I grew up in the same household, eating the same things, brushing/flossing/mouthwashing consistently, and I've never had a cavity in my life. She came back from the dentist two weeks ago with twelve cavities. That's the worst it's ever gotten for her, but she almost always has at least one cavity if not several at her six month dental check ups. She and I both also have issues with drymouth, due to medications we take. And we both use drymouth-specific dental hygiene products to combat it. So, no guarantee that even if you have dry mouth (as an explanation for the continued cavities) it can be 100% resolved with something like Biotene or Therabreath. My recommendation would be, if you can afford it or if you have dental insurance that covers it, go to the dentist 3 times a year. My dentist has recommended this for me and has said it really should be the standard of care. In addition to everything else you're doing, a little extra monitoring from the dentist may go the distance in keeping this at bay. (Oh, and shop around for another dentist, of course, because yours sounds a little too judgmental - and unhelpful - to be seeing three times a year!). posted by nightrecordings at 7:31 PM on March 10, 2015 Mostly here to sympathize. I have excellent teeth but my gums have been inexplicably melting away for the past decade, starting in my mid-30s. So I may eventually have no teeth anyway. My dentist extolls the virtues of the proxibrush, which is part of my daily routine along with flossing, of course, and the sonicare (sensitive brush!) I also use the MI Paste mentioned above, as recommended by my dentist and periodontist. And the Pronamel, not the whitening kind of course. Waterpik with salt water to rinse. My bedtime brushing routine takes about 20 minutes, morning is faster, just brushing and waterpik. I go for professional cleanings every three months. Good diet, I exercise, I'm in good shape. Your basic boring healthy lifestyle. This is keeping my gums healthy-ish for the moment, though the recession marches on and the gaps between my teeth are pretty horrendous. I, like you, spent lots of time feeling really bad and judged and like I wasn't doing anything right. No one in my family but me has these shitty gums. But at this point, after almost a decade where I have never once missed a day flossing or brushing, where I have semi-routine scaling and root planing and I've experienced the delights of gum grafts I have mostly given up and realized that if my teeth fall out I've done all I can. I'll probably be happy to move on to dentures even at a relatively young age. You can only do so much. Hang in there. posted by Cuke at 7:42 PM on March 10, 2015

#Notes to my dentist

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worksofphiction · 8 years ago

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A Shitty Proposal

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Summary: Dan’s proposal doesn’t go as planned...

Genre: Fluff, Implied Smut

Word Count: 6879

Disclaimer: Characters are works of fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. I do not own Dan or Phil and as far as I know, this never happened. <3

Dan was making the brisk walk back to his flat from the other side of London. He had traveled into the busy city to retrieve something that was just too important to order online. He reached down for the millionth time to pat the little box in his tight jean pocket, making sure it hadn’t slipped out or gotten stolen.

Dan and Phil had been together now for nearly eight years and it was definitely time. They had talked about it before, getting married and maybe even adopting a couple kids down the road, and God the internet wouldn’t shut the fuck up about them taking the next step (even though they didn’t even know for sure if the two were dating in the first place). Dan had never really considered which one of them would propose and for the longest time, he thought it would be Phil. But Phil didn’t seem to be in any rush. Not that he didn’t love Dan or didn’t want to get married, but he would probably wait for years so Dan took it upon himself to do the job for them. He called a jeweler that he had heard was the best, picked out a ring that he knew Phil would like, and was now carrying the object that seemed heavy with each step closer to the flat.

He wasn’t worried about Phil saying no. He would say yes if Dan asked him on a regular Tuesday over pizza, but Dan wanted the proposal to be rather special, just like Phil, and him being the creative perfectionist he was, he had formulated a plan. A proposal that would knock Phil’s socks off. In fact, he was so proud of his idea that he had called Louise right away to share the news. She squealed loudly for minutes but quickly gave him the support he needed to get the job done.

Now all he needed to do was stop by the corner store on the way home.

“Phil! I got more Crunchy Nut!” Dan called from the bottom of the stairs. He trotted up the treacherous flight and turned into the hallway. He heard Phil shuffling from his room, meeting the younger boy in the kitchen where Dan placed the bags on the counter. He kept one bag to his side however, hiding that particular one from Phil’s sight.

“Ooooh. We were running low, weren’t we?” Phil grabbed the box and went to open it immediately.

“Phil! It’s not even breakfast.” He snatched the box from the boy who just pouted and slumped his shoulders. “Can’t you wait until breakfast?”

“Frankly…” He snatched the box back. “No.”

“Ugh. You’re such a chore to live with.” Dan complained, kissing Phil on the cheek as he exited the kitchen, bringing the special bag to his room, shoving it and the little box from his pocket behind some clothes in his closet. He then made his way back into the kitchen where he started to unload the small amount of groceries he had picked up, including the little sandwich he had bought himself for lunch.

“What’s that?” Phil asked, his mouth already filled with cereal. Dan rolled his eyes at his nosy boyfriend and unwrapped his own lunch.

“A sandwich. I got it from that place next to Tesco.” Dan bit into it, rolling his eyes into the back of his head and moaning a little from it’s taste. Phil just stared at him with raised eyebrows.

“And you didn’t get me one because…?”

Dan stopped his euphoric act and glared back at the boy who was devouring his cereal like his life depended on it, gesturing to his act and letting his mouth continue enjoying his own food. Phil just shrugged and took another spoonful, smiling and making Dan’s own mouth react the same.

“Where’d you go today anyway?” His boyfriend asked as they were climbing into Phil’s bed. Dan didn’t panic, reciting his little planned fib.

“I went to get that special jacket, you know, the one at that London store.” Dan lied. “But they didn’t have it so I guess I’ll have to go back another time.”

Phil laughed as he pulled the older boy into him, snuggling up in the crevice Dan knew he liked to lay in.

“You went all the way there and didn’t even check if it was in stock?” Phil knew Dan too well. But Dan accounted for that and shrugged.

“I could use the exercise.”

That’s when Phil really laughed.

“Who are you and what have you done with Dan Howell?”

Dan playfully shoved him but quickly pulled him back, only to kiss him gently on the lips. He was warm and happy. If only Phil knew where he really was, they would be sharing more than just a kiss that night.

Dan wanted to wait for the perfect moment. He wasn’t going to pop the question while they were super busy. He wanted time to celebrate and relax as a newly engaged couple. Dan was secretly a sucker for romantic getaways and he hoped that once everything was official, they could take another trip like the one to Japan he so desperately wished had been his honeymoon. Who knows? Maybe they could go back.

They were pretty swamped with work and neither of them could really get away for a while. Phil was in the middle of filming a video with lots of locational shots and Dan was working on a script for his next video. Even though technically they could each take a day off if they wanted to, it’s not like they worked for a strict boss, they were ahead and they might as well keep up their schedule. They didn’t need the fans getting all up in arms about the lack of content.

Dan just figured that once this week was over and Phil’s long video was released, they could plan a pajama day to destress, and that would be when Dan popped the question. When Phil was least expecting it. Everything was ready, he just had to wait.

But of course, this was Dan Howell. Nothing could go according to plan and a fuck up was overdo.

Phil walked into the lounge after a long day of editing. He plopped down on the couch next to Dan who was deep within his sofa crease. Dan didn’t look up at his boyfriend because he was totally engrossed by the dancing shibe on his screen.

“You know, I work fast, but not that fast. This video was a pain.” Phil complained, shoveling a fistful of cereal into his mouth and crunching away next to Dan. Dan was very used to this noise, his ears pretty much blocking it out by now. “I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie. You up for it?”

Dan nodded as he continued to scroll through his Tumblr feed. He reblogged one more thing and then shut his laptop, looking over at Phil. His boyfriend had his hand buried deep into the box of Shreddies that he was hugging like a newborn. Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. He was the last to buy cereal and he remembered buying a box of Crunchy Nut for Phil. He figured it would last him longer than a week but apparently Phil made his way through the box sooner. Dan distinctively remembered running out of cereal yesterday. The only other box of cereal that was in the house was the one in his closet.

“Phil…” Dan started going pale. “Where did you get that?”

Phil stopped eating. He made a face and slinked down behind the box.

“Um…” He stuttered, knowing he was in trouble. Phil’s number one flaw was his terrible habit of stealing Dan’s cereal. Dan usually didn’t mind. It was an endearing quality actually. Phil’s weakness towards the sugary breakfast food was unique. It was a trope that was one hundred percent honest and made Phil Lester different from everyone else. Which was exactly why Dan was going to give Phil a box of Shreddies with the ring delicately placed inside for breakfast the next day.

Not just any box of Shreddies.

That box of Shreddies.

“Phil…did you take my cereal?” A question he asked on a weekly basis. He tried to hide the tremor in his voice this time though as he eyeballed the cowering boy before him.

Phil hesitated and his face scrunched up. He was holding the box to his chest now, protecting it from Dan’s grasp.

“Okay…yes. But I have an explanation! Really!” Phil sat up and jumped to explain, laughing a little while he was at it. Dan couldn’t move. He didn’t care about the reason. Phil always had a reason. It was never valid but Dan gave him a hard time about it as a joke, then making the older boy go to the store to retrieve some new boxes. But right now, he was just about ready to murder his past self.

This wouldn’t have been an issue if he hadn’t already put the ring in the box.

“Give me that!” Dan reached forward and grabbed the box from Phil’s grasp. Phil put up quite a fight, giggling because he figured it was just another play fight that they always found themselves in. But Dan was pulling harder than he usually did, finally yanking the cardboard rectangle from Phil’s death grip. He flew backward against the other side of the couch, now holding the surprisingly light box.

Fuck.

Phil had eaten nearly the whole thing.

“Phil.” Dan gasped, shocked at the amount of cereal he had ingested. He was speechless. Phil was looking at him with pink cheeks and his tongue poking out of his teeth while he giggled a bit. It was adorable but Dan had a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“I’m sorry! I went into your wardrobe because I needed that special tripod - you know, the one with the rotating thingy…and I just saw the box in there and…” Phil went on, explaining himself to Dan who literally had no idea what to do. He was glaring into the nearly empty box and hoping to whatever he believed in that perhaps the ring was still in there. While Phil was waffling on, he took the rest of the contents and spilled them out onto the floor next to their couch. Phil stopped talking and glared. “Dan! You’re making a mess! Why’d you do that?”

Dan just sifted through the crumbs on the floor with his eyes, yet to no avail, the ring was not there.

“You just wasted a whole bowl of cereal!” Phil protested, sitting up and crossing his arms. “Jeez, I didn’t realize you liked Shreddies that much. I thought I was the only one that ate them anyways.”

He was.

They were his favorite.

That’s why they were perfect.

“I’ll buy you new cereal! I promise!” Phil begged, probably with the impression that Dan was mad at him. But how could he be? Phil didn’t know. He wasn’t aware of Dan’s plan. How was Dan supposed to know that Phil was going to go into his wardrobe? To be fair, he should have seen that coming. They barely used Dan’s room for anything other than storage anyway. He should have known Phil would be in and out of that piece of furniture. He wasn’t mad at Phil, he was just stuck. He had no idea what to do.

And now Phil was carrying a 6,000pound ring in his digestive system.

“No, Phil, it’s alright.” Dan laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “You’re right. I don’t like them that much anyway.”

He had to act normal. He couldn’t tell Phil now. It would hardly be romantic.

“So you aren’t mad?” Phil asked softly, no longer joking around. Phil was a sweetheart and he definitely sensed that there was something wrong.

“No, of course not.” Dan answered, opening his arms for his boyfriend to cuddle up under. Phil had a long day. Who was he to add to his stress?

“Okay, ‘cause you totally dumped the cereal on the ground.” Phil reminded him. Dan groaned and nodded. “Why’d you do that? You could have had a bowl. There was enough.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Dan was lucky he acted strange on a regular basis. This would just go under the category of weird things Dan does when he’s frustrated. There was a list. Phil kept one. “How about we watch that movie?”

Phil nodded and kissed Dan’s cheek. His lips were warm and it felt nice. But Dan was too busy thinking about the diamond that was sitting in Phil’s stomach alongside the grams of cereal. That wasn’t dangerous, was it?

It’s hard to watch a movie when the only thing you can think about is shit.

It didn’t start there but that’s where it had been for the past hour and a half because he realized the only way he was getting that accessory out of Phil was if he waited for it to pass through him and then picked it from his poop himself. But how the fuck do you ask your boyfriend to let you comb through his shit?

That’s right, you don’t.

Either Dan was going to have to get real smart about this or that ring was going to be a monumental waste of money.

On the flipside, he could tell Phil and they could laugh about it. But he knew how much this mattered to his boyfriend. That’s why neither of them had done it yet in the first place. There was no way he could tell Phil that he was stupid enough to let him ingest the object of his engagement.

He thought about shutting off the plumbing in the apartment until the cereal passed, forcing the toilets to pile up but that thought grossed him out the moment he considered the smell.

He was thinking so hard about this that he hadn’t even noticed the movie ending. Phil was cuddled up against him in their normal position now scrolling through twitter.

“Hey Dan? What do you think of this tweet?” Phil lifted his phone up to Dan’s face, snapping the younger boy from his problem solving thought process so he could admire Phil’s humor.

Stole @Danisnotonfire’s box of Shreddies and he dumped it on the floor so neither of us could have it. He’s getting more tactical in his defense. Watch out Phil of the future!

Dan laughed at Phil’s clever anecdote. Phil was right, that would have been a really funny moment if that box wasn’t worth so much.

“I’m gonna post it.” Phil declared. Dan’s phone lit up because of the mention. He pulled Phil into a tighter embrace and kissed the top of his head. “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Dan was going to serve Phil breakfast, or rather, give Phil cereal to serve himself breakfast in the morning. Then they were going to spend the whole day kissing or something but that plan was quickly kiboshed.

“Not sure. What do you want to do?” Dan asked, trying not to let his internal freak out effect their conversation.

“I don’t know. I feel kind of cooped up. Want to go to the city or something? See if that jacket is in sto-”

“No!” Dan’s eyes went wide and he was glad Phil could’t see his face from where he was laying. “I mean…I’m feeling kind of lethargic. Maybe we should stay in tomorrow. Make it a pajama day?”

Phil didn’t seem to notice Dan’s abrupt reaction to the suggestion to leave the flat and he nodded, agreeing with his boyfriend’s statement.

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t feel like getting dressed anyways.”

“Yeah.” Dan exhaled the breath he was holding.

They sat in silence for a moment. It wasn’t awkward, in fact, these silences happened often. They had lived together for so long and there were not enough words to fill every second. Dan had come to love their moments of silent presence they shared quiet often.

But naturally Dan had to go ruin it.

“Phil?” He queried, hoping this wasn’t too crude of a question. “How often do you poop?”

Phil slowly ripped himself from under Dan’s wing and twisted his body to face Dan. Dan knew it was strange but he had to know. He might as well try to form somewhat of a plan.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” Dan smiled in an effort to cover up his serious need to know. Phil smiled back and he looked to the side, considering the question.

“Um…” He squinted and lifted his palm to motion with. “Once a day maybe? Depends on what I eat.”

“Oh.” Dan nodded. He had so many questions based on that answer that he wanted to ask but none of them were appropriate for a boyfriend to ask. It didn’t matter how long they had been dating. That was really none of his business. Except this time, it was.

“Why?” Phil looked at Dan skeptically. “Are you some sort of alien disguised as my boyfriend? ‘Cause if you are, I’ll tell you right now, you aren’t getting any of my snokoplasm!”

Dan laughed and shoved Phil a little, shaking his head.

“I was just wondering.”

“Whatever, Danny. You’re so weird.” Phil sighed and got up from the couch, stretching his arms and legs. “I’m getting kind of tired. You ready for bed?”

Dan looked at the clock. It was barely midnight. He shook his head and glanced at his laptop. He had some googling to do before he headed to bed. He gave Phil a guilty glance and the other boy nodded because he knew what that meant.

“Okay, well at least come tuck me in?” Phil asked like the child he was at heart. Dan cocked his head to the side and smiled. Phil was a man but sometimes that man could be cuter than any child alive. Dan rolled his eyes instead, scoffing.

“What, you afraid of the monsters in your closet?” Dan teased, getting up and hitting Phil’s butt so he’d move along into the hallway. Phil chuckled and nodded.

“Well yeah! If they come after me like you did for stealing their cereal, I’m in trouble tonight!” Phil joked, earning him another whack in the bum.

Dan hugged Phil from behind while he brushed his teeth and took his contacts out, then they walked hand in hand to Phil’s bedroom where Phil stripped to his underwear and climbed under one side of the duvet. Dan climbed into the bed as well, remaining on top of the duvet so he could wrap Phil up into a burrito with blankets.

Phil looked so cute, snuggled up under the duvet. Dan wished he could go to sleep at the same time but after many years of dating Phil, they knew that their bedtimes weren’t always going to be the same. Phil tuckered out much earlier than Dan did and Dan always made fun of him for being old. Phil would even pass out at parties before it was time to go home and as cute as Dan found it, he wasn’t going to lie there for hours on his phone while Phil slept beside him. He had done that a few times but it just wasn’t practical. Dan leaned forward and kissed Phil’s cheek.

“Will you come get me if you get scared?” Dan cooed, tickling Phil a little. Phil rolled his eyes but he was too tired to argue. Not to mention, he looked comfortable. The older boy was going to pass out the moment the light went out anyway.

“Thanks for the box of Shreddies.” Phil brought it up again, probably feeling reasonably guilty by now.

He had no idea.

“You’re welcome.” Dan kissed Phil again, this time though, he went for the lips. Dan could taste the toothpaste mixed with the wonderful taste of Phil that he would never get over. Their tongues slid together for a minute or so before Phil pulled away to yawn. Dan laughed and patted the older boy’s side. “I guess it’s bedtime then.”

“I love you.” Phil yawned, the words falling from his lips like sickly sweet syrup.

“I love you, too.” Dan responded, kissing his boyfriend once more on the head after sliding out of the bed himself. “Get some rest.”

He hit the lights on the way out and left the door open a crack like Phil preferred. But only when he wasn’t in the room. Something about having less wall between them. Dan was done making fun of Phil though because right now he had much bigger issues.

He receded into his sofa crease and pulled his laptop onto his lap, opening up a private browser.

It’s moments like these that made their Google Feud videos make sense, he told himself as he typed a shameful sentence into the search bar.

Accidentally Swallowed Engagement Ring

He went on a hunt in an effort to find some sort of advice. When he found nothing of any help, he groaned and sent a text to Louise, hoping she had some advice. When she didn’t respond, he assumed she was asleep and he would have to wait until morning to talk to her. He just flicked over to Netflix and watched some random documentary about polar creatures.

At around 3:00am, Dan heard a creak from the hallway. He knew better than to think it was a poltergeist. He knew those footsteps well. Phil was getting up. He would normally just ignore the sound of his flatmate heading to the loo, but he immediately panicked and jumped to his feet. Once he heard the older boy pass the lounge, he crept behind him as he found his way to the bathroom.

Dan felt like a class A creep as he stood outside of their joint bathroom. He put his ear to the door and soon heard the sound of a stream hitting the toilet bowl. Dan relaxed himself and stepped about a foot from the bathroom door, never having been more relieved to hear piss in his entire life. He lingered outside of the door for another moment while he waited for Phil to travel to the sink, then he rushed back to his spot on the sofa. When Phil walked back towards the bedroom, he poked his head in the lounge when he noticed that Dan was still awake.

“Dan, go to sleep.” He suggested, his eyes squinty and his hair a mess. Dan glanced at the documentary he had been sort of watching and then back at Phil. Phil looked so cute and there was nothing Dan wanted to do more than climb back into bed with the sleepy boy. So he shut his laptop and nodded.

“Fine, fine. I’m coming.” He stood and found himself beside the smiling boy. He may have been tired, but it was no secret he was happy about Dan’s choice. They both climbed into bed and assumed their regular sleeping positions. Dan’s hand draped over Phil’s body and Phil’s butt placed gently against Dan’s crotch. It kept them both warm and Dan got to nibble on Phil’s ear whenever he wanted.

Dan woke Phil up with kisses to the back of the neck. He was not usually the first to wake up but something down south was insisting that he take care of it. When Phil blinked open his eyes, he could feel the problem right away. He turned quickly - or as fast as you do when you’re just waking up and there’s a dick in your back, grinning at Dan who was now rutting forward in search of something fleshy. His front found Phil’s leg and he started to grind against it.

“Phiiiiil.” Dan whined, nipping at the other boy’s shoulder. “Take care of meeeee.”

Phil blushed like he did every time they woke up like this and nodded.

“Okay, okay.” He immediately went for Dan’s neck and it only made his problem worse. But Phil knew Dan too well and he moved fast, down Dan’s bare chest and finally disappearing under the duvet where he grabbed onto Dan’s waistband, tugging down and sucking Dan into his mouth. Dan moaned and his problem was fixed in no time.

When they finally did get up, they were both sweaty and sticky, resulting in a shower. They both traveled to the bathroom completely naked and Phil started the shower while Dan took his morning piss. He joined the other boy in the stream and they took turns washing each other.

“You are so dirty.” Dan joked, sliding the sponge down the front of Phil’s chest. It was technically his fault because it was his come, but he smirked a little as he said it, hoping Phil would admit to it.

“I’m dirty?” Phil laughed. “You’re dirty. You were the one asking me about poop yesterday!”

Dan froze briefly and looked to the floor.

Oh yeah. He had forgotten.

He had no response so he just playfully shoved the other, pulling him close after he looked sort of offended by the little physical assault. They finished showering and dried each other off, putting on a fresh set of pajamas to lounge in, heading to the kitchen to make their breakfast.

Ending up in the lounge as usual, the boys ate their pancakes while they watched a couple episodes of Steven Universe. They got through quite a few before Phil’s laptop died and they were left with a blue screen on their TV. Neither of them wanted to get up so they just sat there, shoulder to shoulder, replying to people on Twitter. This was a typical morning activity and they didn’t really need to be watching anything anyway.

While Dan was searching through the replies on Phil’s tweet, he thought about the ring and how it had probably almost made it all the way through Phil by now. Dan picked at his fingernails and hoped that it wasn’t harmful to Phil. He wouldn’t be able to live with hurting Phil like that, even if it was an accident. He used the silence to his advantage and asked Phil another question.

“Have you pooped yet today?” he asked, knowing the answer already. Phil hadn’t left that spot. He just needed a way to bring up the subject of shit again. This time, Phil didn’t look at him like he was sprouting an extra head, he just put his phone down and thought for a moment.

“No, Dan. I haven’t.” He made a face. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering…” Dan answered again, hoping Phil wouldn’t ask. But he’s Phil, of course he asked.

“Wondering about what? Why do you need to know about my pooping habits?” Phil asked, picking his phone back up and opening Facebook.

“I’ve just been interested in digestive health recently. Is there something wrong with that?” Dan laughed nervously while trying to sound normal. His clock was ticking and he still had no idea what to do. Louise hadn’t even texted him back and he was beginning to lose hope.

“Good to know. I’ll be sure to let you know when I need to go.” Phil said sarcastically, poking at Dan’s side. “As long as you don’t start doing field research, I can get behind you becoming a poop-ologist.” Dan poked back in response and soon they were tackling each other in a battle of fingers. At least Phil didn’t find out how close Dan was to reaching that point.

They remained in that room for a majority of the day. Dan made lunch for them and brought it into the lounge for Phil who was “too comfy to get up”. They ate their sandwiches while watching British Bake Off which for some reason brought Dan to tears. He paused the show to grab a tissue when Phil stood up.

“Just so you know, Dan. I’m going to poop.” Phil laughed, raising his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. “If you’re interested.”

He stepped over Dan’s long legs and crossed the room to the hallway.

Shit shit shit.

Literally.

He got up and followed Phil to the door and claimed that he just wanted to brush his teeth after the sandwich he had just devoured. Phil rolled his eyes and looked at him like a weirdo, but he shut the little toilet room door as Dan stared at himself in the mirror while he listened.

He felt like such a creep.

News flash: You can’t hear the contents of people’s poop.

He shook his head and sighed. It was probably a lost cause anyway. It’s not like Phil knew what he was looking for.

They both found themselves in bed at the same time that night, Dan kind of salty. At this point, he was just down 6,000pounds and he would have to go explain to the jeweler (in less detail) what had happened. He was sure this was the stupidest way to lose a ring. Just another reason why Dan’s a fail. But he could never add this to the series because Phil could never know. He would definitely be mad at Dan for not telling him, not to mention, the money was probably worth more than a proposal in Phil’s book - but Dan was stubborn and he wasn’t going to let this fuck up his creative plan. He was just going to try again. As much as he hated to admit it, Phil had probably already passed the ring.

With his last shimmer of hope, he asked Phil another question.

“Do you look at your shit before you flush?”

Phil laughed and propped himself up on one elbow. They were facing each other in bed now and Dan could clearly see the amusement in Phil’s voice.

“This again?” He didn’t even seem annoyed. This time, he just seemed like he was fully ready to indulge Dan. Phil thought about it for a moment and then furrowed his brow. “No, I can’t say that I do.”

“You don’t?” Dan repeated.

“Not that I know of. I don’t feel the need to admire my work.” Phil laughed, biting his lip. “Do you?”

“I think so.” Dan answered, not really remembering his bathroom habits. He was much more focused on Phil’s bowels at the moment. “Have you ever found anything weird in your shit?”

Phil’s eyes went wide.

“Weird?”

“Yeah. Coins, beads, buttons? Anything like that?” Dan asked, knowing he was pushing it. If Phil had found a ring, he was sure he would have told Dan.

“Not that I know of…” Phil answered honestly, playing along with Dan’s little questionnaire. “I’m sure when I was little I passed a few things..”

“Hm.” Dan sighed, nodded and letting his head fall on the pillow. “Okay. Good to know.”

Phil stared at Dan for a moment and then pursed his lips.

“Are you sure there’s no reason you’re asking? Anything you want to tell me, Dan?” Phil laughed. “Like maybe you have a poop kink or something?”

Dan made a disgusted face.

“Hey! I’m not shaming you! I just need to know so I can do some research.” Phil laughed, teasing the younger boy. Dan’s face was now turned and pressed against the mattress. He was frustrated but he obviously couldn’t say anything to Phil so he just took some deep breaths and decided the past had to be the past.

Why hadn’t Louise responded? She had a child. Children swallowed things all the time!

Dan pulled Phil into his chest, tightening his embrace and kissing his cheekbones that he loved so much. He could tell Phil was smiling because of the extra bit of cheek he smushed with his lips.

“I would still love you if you had a pop kink.”

“Shut up!” Dan growled, nipping at Phil’s neck. Lightly of course. Those marks took a while to go away and their profession didn’t have time for that. “Can we just go to bed? Forget I said anything.”

“Aww…Danny, I’m sorry. I was joking…” Phil pouted, hoping he didn’t offended his boyfriend. Dan shook his head and laughed.

“I know, Phil. I’m just tired.” He lied, hoping Phil didn’t see through it. Really, he was just frustrated and sleeping it off was always a good idea. Phil nodded and reached over to switch off the light.

“Promise you aren’t mad?”

“Promise.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Dan.” Phil snuggled into his warm embrace, momentarily making Dan forget about his stupidity. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Phil.”

Dan woke up first again that morning, this time without a biological issue he needed to sort. He yawned and climbed out of the bed, wandering out and to the shower where he woke himself up. He changed into real clothes and made it back to the kitchen. Since he was up anyway, he might as well make breakfast. It had been a while since they had eggs and bacon, feeling like a true American breakfast would cheer him up.

He checked his phone while he was at it and frowned because Louise had clearly ignored his panicked text. Maybe she felt embarrassed for him. He couldn’t blame him. This was kind of a mess.

He busied himself as he simultaneously cooked eggs, bacon and a few tiny pancakes for Phil because he knew it wasn’t a true American breakfast without them. When he was just about done, he heard their bedroom door open. He heard his boyfriend head down the hall and to the bathroom, most likely to take a quick shower as well and Dan finished what had become a mini feast.

Just as he was plating their food and throwing the last dirty dish in the sink, Phil emerged from the bathroom. But he had not showered. He still had his pajama pants on and his glasses hung low on his nose. He walked slowly into the kitchen, looking at Dan with eyes that suggested he was definitely not awake yet. He looked dazed and confused. Dan wouldn’t have given Phil a second look, but then he saw that Phil was holding something between his fingers and looking down at it with immense concentration. Like he couldn’t believe his tired eyes.

Dan almost dropped the plates he was holding. He returned them gently to the counter and he felt his heart stop.

“Dan…?” Phil spoke slowly, his hands trembling a little. Oh God. Dan didn’t know what to say. There Phil was, standing in the kitchen in his sleep attire, holding a ring that he most likely just dug from the toilet. Dan was frozen to the spot and he went back and forth in his brain on what to do. Did he say something or wait until Phil asked?

He waited. Not like he could speak anyway.

“I…” Phil hesitated, looking up and meeting Dan’s panicked eyes. Brown met blue and Dan tried to smile. He wasn’t sure how it looked though. He felt his lip quivering with the nerves. “I just pulled this out of the…”

Dan gulped.

Oy, this was so not romantic.

Dan was such a flop.

But he guessed that it was now or never so he bit his lip and decided to roll with it.

He sank slowly, the world moving half it’s normal speed, landing on one knee and looking up at Phil with his left hand outstretched. Phil’s eyes widened immediately. The smell of bacon was overwhelming and Dan in no way pictured the moment like this. But he had no choice. This was happening.

“Dan-”

“Phil Lester…” Dan let his boyfriend’s name fall from his lips. For some reason, they sounded different. Not just because his voice was trembling, but because he was about to ask the biggest question he’s ever asked. Phil looked like he was about to pass out and his hand gently landed in Dan’s where Dan could lean forward gently to kiss it. “I know this is totally not romantic and I’m really sorry about that. I screwed up. But…”

Dan could see Phil start to tear up and once Phil started crying, he was going to be down for the count. So he took a deep shaky breath and swallowed his fear.

“Will you marry me?”

The words were so much less intimidating once they were out there and Phil was falling to his knees and collapsing into Dan, wrapping his arms around him and sobbing into his shoulder.

“Yes!” Phil cried. “Yes, yes, yes. Holy shit, Dan. Yes.”

Dan couldn’t be happier to hear those words and he couldn’t help but laugh at Phil’s mention of shit. He wiped his own tears on Phil’s sleeve where his head was sat, then he pulled back and found Phil’s mouth so that they could share a kiss. Their first kiss as an engaged couple.

“I love you so much, Phil.” Dan mumbled against his fiancé’s lips, smiling through the kiss itself.

“I love you too, Dan.” Phil replied, his heart beating fast as well. Dan could feel it through his own chest that was pressed against his mate’s. They were both on their knees, sitting on the kitchen floor and Phil was still holding the ring in his fingers. Dan watched as Phil broke from the kiss and leaned back far enough to show Dan the expensive diamond he was holding. Dan blushed. “Please explain.”

He didn’t sound angry or disappointed, he just sounded baffled. He was most likely wondering why the hell his engagement ring just came out of his ass.

“I’m sorry, Phil. I fucked up pretty bad on this one.” Dan admitted, sheepishly playing with the fabric on his jeans. “I thought it would be really romantic if I proposed to you with a box of cereal. You know, cuz you love it so much.” Dan continued, gesturing towards his room. “But then you went and found the box in my room and you just had to have it.” He flashed the older boy a look and Phil just bit his lip. He was still crying and looked like he was about to fly he was so happy. “But I had already put the ring in the box and I guess you scarfed down that cereal too fast to notice the ring at the top…” Dan looked down, embarrassed that his plan didn’t work. “And I didn’t want to tell you what you did because then you’d know I was planning to propose…and I don’t know. I guess I should have known that leaving cereal around the house was dangerous. You’re like a bloodhound. You can smell cereal from kilometers away.”

Dan tried to laugh but he was just embarrassed. He really tried to get this right and apparently he couldn’t even do that.

“I’m sorry you had to fish through your shit this morning.” Dan apologized after realizing what Phil must have done to find the ring. “I hope it wasn’t too traumatizing.”

Phil laughed, throwing his head back.

“Actually, I wouldn’t have found it if it weren’t for your silly questions.” Phil told him, grabbing Dan’s hand. “Which now totally make sense by the way.” He validated Dan’s strange poop questions and Dan smiled. “You asked me yesterday if I looked before I flushed and I don’t, but today I figured what the hell, you said you did. So I glanced. And low and behold…” Phil held up the ring. “Glad you said something.”

Dan stared at Phil in silence, trying to clear his watery eyes.

“I can’t believe this is how I had to propose to you. This is so gross.” Dan covered his face with his hands. “What are we going to tell people?”

Phil laughed.

“The real story of course!” He leaned forward and kissed Dan gently. “I think it suits us.”

“Really?” Dan looked unsure but another kiss and he was reassured. “I’m so glad I have you, Phil. I’m glad this wasn’t a disaster.”

“This is a beautiful ring.” Phil said, playing with the ring in his fingers. “Don’t worry, I washed it!”

Dan laughed and reached forward to grab it and Phil’s left hand. He looked into Phil’s watery blue eyes as he slid the ring onto his finger. It fit perfectly and Dan almost choked on a sob. He was a baby, he knew, but Phil was officially his and it was getting him all worked up. He figured he’d have to wait a while to save up the money and buy a new ring, so this was just as much a surprise for him as it was for Phil.

“What do you say we celebrate?” Phil proposed, using his new ringed hand to reach out and push Dan’s chest. Dan fell backwards on the kitchen floor and Phil climbed gently on top of him.

“Right here?” Dan asked, not complaining when Phil nodded. He completely pushed aside the thought of food as Phil crashed their lips together, collecting Dan into a fully body kiss. Dan moaned under Phil’s touch and they made love right there on the kitchen floor before chowing down on very cold eggs and bacon.

#phan #phanfiction #fluff #implied smut #shit #marriage #marriage proposal #tiny tiny bit of angst #I should sleep more

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