#sorry for this disorganized ramble i just need to get this off my chest I'm trying very hard not to cry rn

[lickthatbattery]

god i thought i at least had this going for me right now but nope not anymore. how am i gonna get my meds? i've already been rationing. my fault for not trying harder to get refills before i lost my insurance but in my defense i had very short time in between losing my job and losing my coverage, and i was kind of busy 1. freaking out because we were meant to (and still have to figure out how we're going to) move at the end of the summer and how am i going to do that with no income 2. finally having an actual rest period from the constant physical demands of that job and the havoc it wreaked on my disabled body 3. trying to get on UI as soon as i possibly can so i don't run through all my savings immediately just to be able to pay for groceries and stuff. i got on unemployment i got the insurance thing figured out even if that was a fucking nightmare experience i thought i got so fucking lucky that i wouldn't have to wait to see a doctor so i could get all my shit dealt with but i need to figure out if there's a way i can get my meds again before OCTOBER. i can't do this simultaneous job/roommate/househunting thing as well without my ADHD meds i'm scared of running out of T i'm good on my morning pain meds because i stopped taking them if i'm not leaving the house that day but they're not gonna last me 3 months even at that rate. i'm just trying to keep my head above water here everything sucks and i just feel like the one thing i had been able to get done was just taken away from me

[system-of-a-feather]

Alright, Johnny Silverhand from Cyberpunk started me back on this - and firstly would like to confirm, I have 5 sources and that man is the most 'literally me' guy, so like if you want a simulator of me being forcibly implanted into your brain, play Cyberpunk I guess.

Anyways, continued unorganized XIV ramble below. Disclaimer, its disorganized cause I'm better at rambling verbally than written but man do I need to go off about this to more people than those in my brain and our fiance sometimes. Get that shit off my chest cause American society disgusts me endlessly and I am 100% of the opinion that "Its not antisocial if the society itself is broken, at that point being antisocial is basically prosocial" cause fucking hell do I not care about the values and laws of a society that runs off of making the rich richer and the desperate more desperate.

-XIV

But it's honestly an issue I have with a lot of leftists and socialist circles is that most people I see there are charged by the fact that their personal life has been ruined, or their friends have been ruined - that the system scraps them and throws them to the side and treats them like garbage for being not-white, for being not cisheteronormative, for being mentally ill, or disabled, or you know - a real person that isn't a fucking machine and a lot of people are driven by their needs to have their needs met.

Which again, as I said above, TOTAL valid and totally does not erase your hatred, vocal shouts, and an ally is an ally in the end of the day - even if I disagree with the inherent values and drives. You have a right and should be enraged when your rights and existence is being taken advantage of and suckled dry. You have a right and should be enraged when your ability to live is being treated upon so a few can sit on their fat asses and say they have more stuff than most as if that makes them somehow better. I completely understand those that have been ground down and worn out so much by capitalism that this is all they can offer - emotionally, physically, time wise or otherwise. I am not going to sit here and say we are doing the most we can for our cause - because that would be a lie. As it is we ourselves aren't comfortable or thriving enough to be able to put as much mental, emotional, physical, and time into doing much more than what makes our needs met.

But conceptually, if your insight and values towards hating capitalism ends at the needs of those in your immediate circle, I am sorry to tell you, but you are just playing the loosing role in the whole plan. Capitalism feeds off of individualism and the idea that you have to watch out only for your own hide and that you need to always have excess upon excess for your own security and that you are entitled to that excess upon excess because reasons.

Quite frankly, once your needs are met, you shouldn't be satiated, you should be please, comfortable, and continue to advocate and perpetuate a life style that doesn't feed off of leeching off others and if your only concerns are your own needs, then that is the sort of life you are going to find yourself done.

And I'm not saying anyone is bad for that - cause I know I probably sound like that but thats just my resting bitch tone - because the way the system works literally aims to starve people and make them struggle just to live in order to make them more loyal, inorder to make them value money more than life - because a starved and wounded animal is prone to guard its few resources with its life. Anyone who is stuck in that "loosing role" of capitalism is not an enemy or The Problem TM, just a victim trapped in the cycle.

I dunno man, I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into written words like the others in this system are and I feel like I'm dancing fucking loops around the main topic, but I guess the main point is like.... check yourself a bit.

Are you the type to forget about the systemic issues once your wounds are licked? Do you actually care about the broken system or do you just care that it personally affects you?

There is no wrong answer, because any answer to that is a valid and fair response to the system at hand and wherever you are and whatever you can offer is great, but it is also important to be honest and to let that honesty keep a clear vision when moving through life and through larger scale values cause if you don't you're likely to get swept up in the whole heavily pushed system.

While it is completely valid to hate capitalism for personal reasons, if your hatred for it ends when your needs are met, then you are inherently missing the point.

-XIV