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dreamescapeswriting · 3 years ago

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Unrequited Love ~ HHJ [Request]

WORD COUNT: 3.9K

PAIRING: Hyunjin x GN!Reader (If there are any mistakes please tell me so I can change them 🥰♥)

Terms: Mx - Used as a replacement for Mr/Mrs/Sir/Ma’am

GENRE: AU, Hanahkai AU, friends to lovers, angst, fluffy, pining,

A/N: You guys know how much I love AU’s so I had so much fun with this!!

Hanahkai Disease: This is a fictional disease where the victim coughs up flower petals when they’re in one-sided love. It ends when the love returns (Can’t be a strong friendship, only romantic feelings) or the victim will die. The disease can be surgically removed but the feelings for the crush will be gone.

Unrequited love. Something that had been written about in all forms for almost 5500 years. There were always the stories of the person finally getting the one they truly wanted. Beating the Unrequited love and overcoming everything to be with the one you loved. This would be fine and dandy if you had a normal crush on someone and weren't like Hyunjin.

Hyunjin had something different about him, something that he'd never heard about until he'd been online researching for hours. Hanahkai Disease. Besides all of the troll accounts talking about how the disease wasn't "real" there were so many other articles and medical documents to back it up. The one thing that stuck out to Hyunjin the most about it all was that it could kill him. From anywhere from 2-3 weeks or 18 months. Being told you had anywhere between 2-3 weeks and 18 months to live was never anything good.

All of this because he had a stupid crush on somebody. His lungs were filled with roses that would gradually get bigger until they rendered his breathing useless. All he could do whenever he thought about his crush or even spoke to her for too long was cough up flowers into his hands or if he could make it, a bathroom.

"What's on your mind? You've got that weird look in your eyes." Your voice broke Hyunjin out of his daydream and he turned to look at you. Blushing a little as he realises he was spacing out in the middle of your study date.

The two of you were sitting in the back of the college library trying to cram for an upcoming test but his mind was elsewhere. What was the point in studying when he knew he was going to die? There was no way Sooyoung was going to like him back.

Waving your hand in front of his face again he looked at you nervously. There was clearly something bothering him and it wasn't the study material. Hyunjin could take this test four times over in his sleep if he really wanted to.

"I want to tell you something but you have to promise me that you won't laugh." Putting your pen down on the table you looked at him.

Whatever it was, was clearly serious. Hyunjin had never been so serious about something before and you'd known him almost your whole life.

The pair of you had been best friends since you moved to his neighbourhood when you were six. Growing up together, going to the same schools until you both attended the same college.

"What is it?" You questioned softly as he looked at you. The idea of telling you about the disease toying in his head. The fact that he had been dealing with this alone for the last three months was beginning to bother him and he knew he could tell you anything.

There wasn't a single thing in the world that you would ever judge him for. You were the one person he knew he could count on for anything and the same was for you with him.

"Have you heard of Hanahkai disesase?" The name rang a bell and you began to think about it.

"I think-"

"The rare disease that some people get when they're in one-sided love?" You nodded at him. You'd heard about it a lot. Super rare, hardly heard of really. Doctors had done all of the research that they could on it. It could be surgically removed but it all risked permanent damage to the lungs and it would cost forgetting the person you were in love with altogether,

"I have it," The world seemed to stop spinning as you stared at your best friend. Laughing a little you shook your head, there was no way he had it.

"What do you mean you have it?" You questioned a little harshly as you stared at him. All thoughts of studying going out of your head as you stared at your best friend.

"I mean, I have it. What else could that mean?" He snapped a little angrily at you, you leant back against the chair shaking your head. Letting it sink in that he had this disease as well as was in love with someone and hadn't told you about it.

The two of you told each other everything.

Or so you thought. Why hadn’t he told you he was in love with someone? Or that he suffered from this in the first place? When did the two of you begin to keep secrets from one another?

"You can't...I mean who do you have a crush on?" Racking your brain you tried to think of someone Hyunjin had mentioned even briefly but there was nothing. Nothing and no one that you could think of that he would have a crush on.

"Sooyoung,"

"Sooyoung?" You looked behind him down a couple of tables to see her sitting there.

Sitting at one of the rounded tables as she did nothing but brush her hair and look pretty. There was no denying that she was gorgeous but you never thought Hyunjin would go for someone like her.

Someone so perfect.

Jet black hair perfectly straight, wearing designer clothes and always had boys surrounded her. Waiting on her hands and knees as if she was some kind of queen. The whole college seemed to fall in love with her.

"Sooyoung?" You questioned again, a little more unimpressed this time. Hyunjin could already tell you hated the fact that it was Sooyoung of all people and so did he. It wasn't as if he wanted to feel this way about her.

"I'm telling you because I want your help," Help? What did he want you to do? Go up and tell her that if she didn't love him back your best friend was going to die?

"What am I meant to do?" You questioned leaning forward a little to see what his plan was for all of this.

"You're good at this, tell me what girls like." You blinked at him

"What on earth makes you think I'm good at this? I know what girls like but Sooyoung isn't like every other girl...She's a different breed." The woman had exquisite taste and clearly liked things differently from those around her.

"Will you help me at least get her attention," Smirking at him you nodded. Getting her attention was going to be easy enough.

"Sure." Picking up the rubber from the table you launched it across the room hitting one of the boys in the head before it dropped down in front of Sooyoung.

Gasping a little she looked down at it and then around the room to figure out who had thrown it but you'd already turned to Hyunjin.

"Fetch." You mumbled to him watching as he glared at you.

Oh if looks could kill.

"Sorry, my friend is stressed." He whispered as he bent down in front of Sooyoung. Their eyes locking as she giggled at him, reaching down to touch his long dark-brown hair. It was always the hair that people fell in love with first. Smirking a little you were glad you had french-braided one side and put it into a ponytail.

"Cute," She whispered as she twirled a strand of his hair around her delicate fingers. Instantly Hyunjin felt his throat beginning to clog up with petals so he smiled before calmly walking to the door. Frowning as you watched him you waited to see what he was doing. Before you could even get up he was racing down the corridors to find the nearest bathroom.

"Sorry, he's a little shy...Here," You scrambled to write down his number on a random post-it and gave it to Sooyoung. Her eyes were wide as she looked from you to the door,

"Shy? Around me?" You nodded gently ignoring the weird looks you were gaining from the boys around her.

"I'll text him," She whispered as she began punching the numbers into her phone.

Hurrying after Hyunjin you stood outside the bathroom looking at him as you held your bag and his. The colour had drained from his face as he stood there. Hair messy and petals were strewn about all over the place.

"Here," You reached up to take a petal out of his hair and smiled sadly at him. The last thing you ever wanted was for Hyunjin to be in pain. You knew how badly this thing could be.

"I'll help you...She has your number," You nudged him softly and he began to blush a little as he looked at you. He was thankful he had you to help him through all of this.

"Thank you," He breathed out bringing you into a tight hug as you whined that he was hurting you.

"We can go to my dorm, I'll do your hair and we can begin planning how to get the girl to love you back." You promised him as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder beginning to walk with you towards the exit of the campus.

"First things first you're going to have to talk to her without...Coughing up flowers in front of her..." Turning to look at him from the other side of your dorm room you raised an eyebrow. You didn't know the ins and outs of how it all worked so you were going to need his help with it all.

"Is there a way you can control it?" He shrugged his shoulders as he sat on the floor against your bed. There wasn't much he knew about it either. He'd never tried to control it, all he knew was when he was around her his lungs filled with rose petals until he coughed them up. Even when he thought about her too hard it could sometimes bring some flowers up.

"I'm not sure," He whispered playing with the teddy he'd gotten you for your birthday while you began writing down on a large whiteboard on your wall.

Learn to control coughing up. You were going to treat this as though it was some kind of study material. Have all of the facts laid out in front of you before you tried to find a solution to it.

"We need to learn what her favourite flowers are, what snacks she likes, then you're going to slowly woo her." Hyunjin stared up at you with a raised eyebrow. Not believing for one second that he had just heard you use the term "woo her".

"Woo her? What are we? 91?" He mumbled sarcastically only for a chocolate button to be thrown against his head. Your aim was impeccable.

"Did you or did you not want my help?" You questioned as you stared over at him. Hand resting on your hip as you tilted your head to the side.

"Yes, Mx!" He fake saluted watching as you began to write her name, getting ready to list things she did and didn't like underneath it. Hyunjin thought back on all of the times he'd seen her getting gifts from people. Remembering the way she reacted to each of them.

"She likes sunflowers and roses together, I've seen her get them from one of the jocks before a game." He looked up at you.

"Sunflowers and roses," You mumbled as you wrote them on the board in green ink.

"We can get some from the store tomorrow morning." You told him as you turned to look at him. The thought of losing your best friend to something like this was eating you up inside but you were going to be strong for him.

The look on his face made you feel bad about teasing him earlier in the day. All he wanted to do was get help and you had been a little mean about it.

"I promise I'll do everything I can Hyunjin." You said sweetly as you walked over to the bed, sitting behind him on the bed as he sat on the floor. You ran your fingers through his hair and began to braid it. Something he found extremely relaxing whenever he was stressing too much over something.

"I don't deserve you Y/n." He hummed as you began to french-braid the sides once again before joining them together in a ponytail at the back of his head. Just as it had been that morning when he came to get it done.

"I don't know how I can repay you," He added on as he looked at your whiteboard of information. If anyone came in now it would look as though you were stalking Sooyoung but of course that wasn't what you were doing.

"With food, comics and helping me cram for tests." You told him as you smirked, patting the top of his head as you got up from the bed.

"I'll go and order some pizza...We can talk pick-up lines and dates while we eat." He nodded watching as you left the room leaving him to overthink everything. Groaning when he felt the pressure of the petals begin to build as his thoughts went to Sooyoung.

As time began to progress the only thing that seemed to be happening was Hyunjin was getting worse. It seemed as though no matter what happened with Sooyoung nothing was going to happen. The flower petals began to grow in size and he felt sick almost all of the time.

"Maybe she'll never love me back," He said to you as you sat in a small cafe together. Sharing a plate of chips as you spoke about his date with Sooyoung that he had just gotten back from. He'd taken her ice skating since it was one of her favourite things to do but nothing else happened. They held hands around the ice skating rink and that was all.

"It can take time," You reminded him, waving a chip in front of his mouth until he took it from you.

"It's been three months...I have six months to make her fall in love with me." The never-ending ticking time bomb.

"Do-able." You were trying to remain as positive about all of this as possible. You never wanted to lose your best friend.

"She has too many guys after her. There's no way I can do this Y/n." He put his head down onto the table and you reached around to run your fingers through his hair. Tears beginning to build up in your eyes at the thought of him giving up on this so easily. It wasn't like Hyunjin to just give up on anything.

"Give it a chance Hyunjin...Please." It came out as a beg but you didn't care. There was no way you were going to let your best friend give up on this and accept that some kind of disease was going to kill him. The plea didn't go unnoticed as he looked up at you, eyes bloodshot as he was on the verge of tears.

He'd been researching the surgery without telling you. Deciding that it was probably easier for him to go through that than try and force somebody into loving him. It was dangerous and irreversible.

"One more month," He mumbled sitting up and back against the booth seat. Laying his head against the wall and looking at you.

"Want to practice date talk?" You questioned. He nodded at you and you smiled before going back into your dating impersonation. The two of you had been doing this whenever you went out to eat or ate at the dorm so that he could get used to it.

"Come and sit next to me, whenever we eat together she sits beside me." You nodding sliding out of your side of the booth and into his. His arm wrapped around your waist and you seemed to freeze. A weird tightness began to grow in your chest and stomach but you ignored it. Turning to him and feeding him a chip while looking at him. Hyunjin leant down and bit into the chip slowly. It was the first thing he'd eaten all day and he was thankful you were with him to eat with.

"Talk to me as if I was Sooyoung," You grumbled at him as you looked down at the plate. Suddenly losing all sense of appetite the longer you stared at it.

One month came and went as though it was on fast-forward. You barely remembered anything that Hyunjin had planned for his time with Sooyoung. All you knew was that he was giving up. Telling you that all of this had been a waste of time for him.

"Hyunjin you can't do this," Your voice heightened as you looked at him. Reaching your hands out to touch him as he began packing up clothes into his bag. The moment he told you that he was going through with the surgery you panicked. There were so many horror stories surrounding the procedure.

"I've already booked it," He mumbled at you, moving away from your grasp to collect more clothes from his wardrobe.

The two of you were in his dorm room that night when he decided to drop the bomb on you that he was going to have the surgery.

"It's experimental! Something could go wrong," You whimpered as you stood in front of his wardrobe. Blocking him from getting inside. There was no way you were going to let him go through with something so idiotic that could kill him or leave him with no memories.

"It's worth it to not feel like this! To not die!" He yelled at you as you moved out of the way. Watching him as he began to shove clothes into a bag instead of folding them. There was no way you were going to be able to change his mind but you were going to try.

"So you're just going to leave? What about exams?" You questioned as you tried not to bring the focus on why you needed him to stay around.

"I don't see a reason for staying, I'll get the surgery and be back in time for exams." He grumbled not looking at you as he reached into the back of his wardrobe for shoes.

"Hyunjin you have five months-"

"She's in love with someone else! She's dating someone else so there is no help for me. Don't you get that!?" He yelled as he cut you off. Turning to face you, he was red in the fact of anger and his eyes were tearing up.

Pushing past you he walked towards his bed, putting his bag down as he began to pack his study material up. If he was going to be stuck in a hospital he might as well make the time useful.

"You think that you're the only person in the world that has that disease?!" You yelled back at him. Not meaning to snap and sound as angry as you did but you had enough.

"I'm not going to sit around and wait for the flowers to kill me." He grumbled keeping his back to you.

"I'm not saying that! I'm saying give it time...M-maybe you'll fall in love with someone else." You were grasping at straws and he knew that as well as you did.

"You sound pathetic. There is no one else Y/n. There will never be someone else." He said in hushed tones as he flicked through some of his notebooks. Debating to take them with him or not.

"Never?"

"No. Never," He mumbled at you.

"But I love you," Your chest swelled and you could feel yourself beginning to sweat as you finally told him.

The months you had been helping him with Sooyoung you had begun to fall more and more in love with him. The fake dates you would have didn't help as you only fell harder for someone you knew would never like you back.

"Yeah but friendship love isn't enough to cure it!" He yelled slamming his book down onto his desk. Taking in deep breathes as he tried to calm himself down. He knew you were trying to help but nothing you had done was working.

"You asked for my help-"

"Now I'm telling you to back off." He came across so cold you felt as though ice began to run down your back. Your chest burnt as you put off the cough that was itching to come out. Holding your hand over your mouth you let out a tiny cough. Wincing as you felt the petals fall down into your hands. Three white-budding roses sitting in your hand, large enough that you knew you didn't have much time left. Hyunjin didn't even notice you coughing as he rushed to put everything away into a bag.

"Call me when you've decided to get over this." You mumbled as you left his room. Dropping the petals into the bin by his front door before you left.

As Hyunjin was about to leave the dorms he went to through away his rubbish when he saw the flowers. They weren't his since his seemed to be a little more than two petals at the moment. These looked as though they were just beginning to grow larger. None of the boys was home which only meant that they could have been yours,.

"Y/n." He breathed out as he looked at his phone. Hitting your name to call you but there was no answer. It just rang and rang.

You stared at the phone while it lit up. There was no use talking to him when he was going to go through with the surgery no matter what.

"Call me when you get this, I need to talk to you." The message rang out as you deleted it. Walking to the kitchen to get something to eat but nothing seemed good to you. Everything you thought about eating made your stomach churn. Nothing had seemed appealing to you for months.

After a few days of staying in your dorm and ignoring Hyunjin, you began to feel the need for fresh air. There was no use in hauling yourself up inside of the dorms all day. You had no idea how much time you had left so you needed to do something with it.

Swinging the door open you almost screamed seeing Hyunjin standing. His hand raised as if he was about to knock on the door right before you answered it.

"Did you get the surgery?" You questioned harshly as he stared at you. His eyes fixed on your face as he said nothing in response to you.

"Hyunjin?" Instead of responding he grabbed you close to him and kissed you roughly. The breath felt as though it was knocked right out of your chest as you collided with him. Your hands pushing into his long hair as he pushed you into the apartment. Holding you close to him as he ran his fingers up and down your back. Needing to feel every inch of you as close to him as possible. Tears rolled down your cheeks until you both could taste them.

"H-Hyunjin." You breathed out as you both pulled away only to rest your foreheads on one another. Neither of you wanted to be apart for any longer than you had to be.

"I love you," He breathed out as he held your hand in his, squeezing them softly.

"I love you too," You hiccuped through the tears, sniffling as little as he pulled you into his chest. Resting his chin on your head as you both stood there together.

Another month passed both of you scared that the flowers would begin to come up again but they hadn't. Not once had you coughed up a petal, bud or a whole flower. Your appetite had come back and Hyunjin was feeling better than he ever had. The two of you had beaten the Unrequited love and overcoming everything to be with one another.

Tagline: @minholuvs @taestannie @sw33tnight @acciocriativity @mwitsmejk @taeechwitaa @justbangtanthingz @stillwithlix

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stay-midnight · 4 years ago

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Wrong Wishes were Made~ or was it wrong?

Elf Seungmin x Male Reader

Word #: 2.7K Words

Triggering Stuff: Explicit Smut, Awkward.

Warnings/Kinks: Dominant/Top Kim Seungmin, Submissive/Bottom Male Reader, Anal Sex, Unprotected Sex (Use protection!! :<) Spit as Lubricant (Use a lube that is made for sexual purposes) Teasing, Wish Sex, Whiny Reader, Begging, Fingering, Cumming, Nipple Play, Licking, Aftercare isn’t shown(Please, do not ever leave your partner hanging after sex.) and Slight Hair Pulling.

Min’s notes: This was supposed to be the Christmas special :l I’m sorry i posted it so very late- djdjd.

A jolly atmosphere arose in the town of Snowday, whenever there‘s Christmas, there is happiness or so the mayor always said. No matter what, Christmas day on Snowday were always full of joy and community activities and this year’s Christmas wasn’t any different as you found yourself collecting money from house to house, grumbling in dissatisfaction leaving behind a trail of grumpy emotions in your wake.

Another doorbell you pressed, hating that 'ding' sound as you’ve heard it a million times from your boring trip. “Hi, ma’am, would you be inclined to donate for Snowday charity?” Your lips curving up in a fake smile as you spoke.

“Tch.” the old lady said under her breath, but you heard it which made your eye twitch in annoyance at her clear temper. The old lady when inside and after a while she came back, throwing coins at you which landed on the floor.

You kept the smile on your face as she shut the door, you collected the pieces of silver nickels on the ground, and as you got far away from the house, “What a bitch.” you cursed in annoyance.

You seethed as you walked over from house to house until twilight shrouds the sky, turning it dimmer and dimmer by the long minutes.

You sighed in relief after you delivered the money-filled bag back to the charity building.

Sadly, you had no family to celebrate with nor friends due to your lack of social skills and the fact that your family is in another continent. You didn’t have enough money right now to travel and clearly your family was not gonna pay for it.

You walked over to your house and unlocked your front door, taking in the authentic and rustic smell of the inside due to Snowday’s houses were very aesthetic-like with the cabin looks and stuff.

You gasped silently as you saw a shadow near your living room, on instict, you grab an umbrella to arm yourself. Well.. I guess whatever works and that anything can be a weapon.

You took a peek slowly and the first thing you saw are pointy ears and what you identified as a brown-haired male, “Who and why are you in my house?” you questioned loudly, holding the umbrella up tightly—taking a defensive stance.

The male harmlessly walked towards you and as he got more closer, you noticed his features was a bit out of this world... ‘He’s really pretty..’ was the first thought came to your head.

You regain conscience and glared at him, “Stay A—” he immediately cut you off by kissing you on the lips which suprised you, stumbling back into the wall with shock.

He then started to strip his clothes which made you let out the weirdest noise you ever let out, “W- What are you doing!?” you said covering your eyes with your hands, a bit embarrassed as what this man was doing.

He tilted his head in confusion and furrowed his eyebrows. “Didn’t you wish for this?”

Wish? Your mind was a bit hazy and confused at his words, then a memory popped into your head.

Five days ago, a doorbell rang in your house—cabin, you didn’t know what to call it. You sighed as you remove the apron you were wearing and turned off the stove, that was boiling the meat for your dinner.

You walked over the door and saw a small male with white hair, “Yes? What do you need?” you asked him in a calm tone. You noticed he was holding a gold box and a bunch of papers.

“Your wish for Christmas, sir” He said with a small smile, giving you a paper and a pen.

“What?” you asked, raising your eyebrow as you took the paper and pen slowly.

“Write your wish and it shall be granted.” he said and nodded alot, encouraging you to do it.

You were very much skeptical in his words and that lead you to write something on the paper as a ‘joke’ you wrote bluntly:

‘ To be fucked ’

And you spent the whole evening after that, laughing because of what you wrote at the piece of paper.

Fuck. you thought. “I p-put it in as joke okay?!” you stuttered out the first part due to find him shirtless now.

His ears twitched slightly,

“Well. That can’t be, wishes in the wishing ballot can’t be took back. So either I fuck you or I’ll be attached to you until I do.” He explained in a calm demeanor but you slightly tell he was getting annoyed.

He proceeded to unbutton his jeans— “Take a seat first!” you shouted out before he managed to pull them down. He looked at you with curiousity, “Why?” the male said

You sighed and gestured him to sit down the couch, he nodded slowly and faced you, “Okay look, this is weird. An elf-looking person wants to fuck me? I don’t even know your name for Pete’s sake!” you groaned out.

“Yes. The name’s Seungmin and I’m not ‘elf-looking’ I am an elf.” he said nonchalantly, moving closer to you before placing a hand on your thigh, you pushed the hand away with an awkward laugh.

“Can we please, just get this over with?” said the elf in front of you in a bored-stricken voice. You shook your head in disapproval with Seungmin letting out a sigh after.

“Look here, I won’t be able to get back to the north unless I grant the wish you placed on the ballot, and I very much want to go back now,” Seungmin spoke in a deep voice, almost as if he was trying to coax you into letting himself have you, which he is trying to.

“Uh, I’m not ready?” you said with a flustered face clearly not used to this.

He grinned and decided to have fun teasing you, “Hmm? What’s there to be ready about?~ You’ll just have to take me like a good boy~” he teased with his honey-like voice.

You look at him, your mouth hanging open as you kept on blinking in shock.

“How and why did you even agree to granting my ‘wish’ ” you asked curiously still a bit suspicious of him, what if he just was a random person that read your wísh and snuck inside your house, and many more thoughts like that kept popping inside your head.

He chuckled, “I was the one tasked by our leader since I was not listening to him and ‘being sarcastic’.” He rolled his eyes at the memory, “But enough about that..” He continued as he placed his shoulder on top of his knee to support his chin as he leaned towards you, “I must say, I’m intrigued about you Y/N~” He said, smirking.

“What’s there to be intrigued about?” you said, nervously, swallowing the saliva that was forming at the sides of your mouth due to nervousness now.

“A lot, the fact that you seem to submissive for someone who had never taken it from the back, are you a still a virgin~?” he asked questioningly with a small smirk playing at his lips, his eyes boring into your very being and lips slightly flaking due to dryness of the air causing him to lick his lips to keep it red and plump.

“I’m not... I just never been fucked before... Plus, I only wrote that as a joke..” You spoke slowly, you wore a thin smile, guilt slightly erupting inside you at the fact that this elf is just granting your wish, no more no less.

He sighed, “Well there is really nothing I could do about it now... I’ll stick with you if you don’t really want it.” Seungmin sighed out, grabbing the shirt he removed earlier and wore it back on.

You nod slowly and sat down, “Well uhm... It’s okay as long as it helps you since I did cause you trouble.” you said, scratching the back of your head awkwardly.

His eyes lit up at that as he stared at you with a noticeable happy glint in his eyes, “Should we do it now?” Seungmin said, his puppy expression is melting your inside as you giggle at his antics.

“T-Then, please be gentle with me..” You said, looking at him slightly nervous, which made Seungmin look at you in awe.

“Of course Y/N.” Your name rolling of his tongue sweetly as he moved closer and sat right next to you. His sweet smile immediately turned to a grin, looking at you with hunger.

“You’re too pretty and cute~” The elf teased, caressing your hips before pinning you down the couch as your breath hitched on your throat.

You were shocked by his words as you gulped, looking at the dandy elf in the eyes. He leaned down to your ear, “You said to go gentle on you, but I bet you’d like it if I destroy you~” Seungmin whispered, biting the lobe of your ear.

You whimpered in response, grinding up against him, “You like the sound of that? If you ever get fucked by somebody all you could think would be no one but me.” His lips trailing to your jawline, kissing it.

“I should thank Chan for picking me to do this cause I’ve never seen a more pretty human than you, Y/N.” He bites your neck, marking all of it, sending you shivers down your spine.

“Want me to fuck you that you’ll remember it for days? Is that your wish pet?” He mumbles as you let out a sigh.

He trailed his hand underneath your shirt and pinched a nipple making you gasp and throw your head back, “Hmm? I asked a question and I expect an answer.” He said, digging his fingers on your skin, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Y-Yes Seungmin...” You pant, not really used to being under someone. You stare at his face, taking notes of his features, a bit taken aback that someone so cute and puppy like features be this dominant.

He trailed his other hand further down, his fingers trailing past the visible tent between your legs, “Someone’s quite excited, hm?” He then gave it a squeeze eliciting a whine coming from your very lips.

“Please... G-Get it over with.... I want this...” You huffed, thrusting your hips against his.

He smirked, “Ah ah, patience.” he continued teasing you, he removed every piece of your clothing leaving you a flustered mess.

He brushed his hand against the tip of your cock and grabbed it fully, wrapping it with his chilled hands making you hiss at the coldness. “Your cock is cute.” he chuckled kissing the tip of it, digging his nails on your slit making you yelp and whine.

“Please please, just— just fuck me already.” you babbled, bucking up into his hand, your mind hazy from pleasure and needy for the elf’s touches, he grins as he look down at you.

He then proceeded encircling his thumb around the head, watching you get more needier by the second, your begs and whines sounding like music to Seungmin’s ear.

You arch your back at the pleasure when he started to slowly jerk you off, making sure your sensitive is increased tenfold.

But when he suddenly removed his hand that was jerking you off, you let out a loud whine at that and started thrusting your hips up his knees that was settled in between your thighs.

“Patience. baby.” He murmured dangerously and held your hips down. Seungmin then lifted one of your legs up and placed it on your shoulder, he then encircled his index finger on your rim— and that made you crumble fully.

“Don’t tease, please.. Want...” You trailed off, let out a thin moan when he finally inserted a finger, the feeling so foreign but pleasurable, you started rocking your hips to his fingers.

You grit your teeth to keep the embarrassing sounds stuck on your throat from coming out, he slapped your thigh. “Stay still.” he commanded, his voice sending waves of pleasure to your already fully hard dick.

You didn’t even notice that he had fully three fingers in you, he curled his fingers upwards hitting that sensitive bundle of nerves causing your moans get louder and your breathing more erratic. “Fuck, I need you inside, please Seungmin..!” you shouted.

After removing his fingers from your hole, he then removed his pants and boxers along with his shirt, he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on you before Seungmin spat on his hand to coat his own length, giving it a few strokes.

He then positioned his tip on your rim, your hole clenching in need as he continued teasing you, you had enough of his teasing and switched both of your position so you were on top before dropping down on him, making him gasp in suprise as he felt your warm walls around him.

“Fuck.” you groaned as your body trembled in pain from the entry making you stay still in his hip, to make sure not to hurt yourself too much.

“You’re too impatient, Y/N.” he grinned placing his big hands on your waist as you slowly started to rise yourself up and slamming down again—sending waves of pain and pleasure across your whole body.

“Too big...” You breathed out, releasing a moan as his head bluntly hit your prostate.

“Feels good, pet?” he said, caressing your hipbone.

You nod in response and he shook his head before he thrusted upwards making you let out a small scream. “Answer me with words.” he growled.

“F-Feels amazing... Hngh...” you steadied your breathing and relaxed your body, allowing Seungmin to thrust more easily, he bit your chest; marking it as his. He licked a striped up a nipple making your shiver in pleasure.

He looked at you as if you were his prey, dark lusty eyes and the dim moonlight shining through your window complimenting his beautiful pale skin. Snow heavily falling crystallizing your window in a thin layer of ice. You didn’t even noticed that the fire inside the fireplace had extinguished on its own due to the lack of new firewood.

You closed your eyes and lean your head back as you just let the pleasure course through your body and nerves. You gasped as you were suddenly lifted up the couch, your walls tightened around his cock, Seungmin let out a hiss at that, “Let’s go to your bedroom, I want to play with you more..” he whispered as he buried his face at your shoulder.

“I-It’s over there...” You pointed at a corridor.

“I’ll make this the best fuck, that you have ever gotten baby~” he growled playfully. He pulled out to carry you more efficiently to your bedroom but your lips never left his own as you both made out, tongues fighting against each other.

. .

After sometime of making out, you felt him lay you down on a soft mattress, he widened your legs more, reinserting himself on your already-abused hole from earlier, you moaned weakly as he kept pistoning his hips on your ass. “Fuck Seungmin... I’m gonna cum..” You breathed out.

He smirked and gripped your cock, slowly jerking it off. You moaned and gripped the elf’s hair, pulling on it after every thrust.

“You may cum, but we are far away from being done.” He whispered seductively , his lips moving back to your nipple as you came, white liquid shooting out from your tip, hitting his chest and also your own.

Let’s just after that was night full of your moans and Seungmin’s groans, as you’ve came atleast 3 more times while he came twice inside of you.

. . .

Morning came, and you look to your side finding him missing.

You blink twice as you register the missing elf making tears prick the side of your eyes, but then you found a note at your nightstand. You picked up the note and read:

I’ll come back in a week Y/N~ I’ll just help clean the messy workshop and talk to my leader. - Seung

You immediately sighed in relief and thought,

Maybe that wish wasn’t so bad after all.

#kpop x male reader #stray kids x male reader #seungmin x male reader #dom kim seungmin #sub male reader #kim seungmin #stray kids scenarios #kpop smut #skz smut #kpop x reader #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #stray kids

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zhowongli · 4 years ago

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hello! i started a new thread because the other one (+ this one) got really long, so sorry! but i guess this is my love letters to you guys because you’ve made my tumblr experience so, so much better && i’m grateful for all of you guys + all of my mutuals and followers!!

first of all, @himawari-senpaii thank you so so much for your kind words! meggi, i love your sunflower motif because it suits you so well! sunflowers make me smile whenever i see them, and it really brings me so much joy to see you on my dash/notifs. your tags are always so fun and sweet. thank you for tagging me in this 🥺

@animoozies connie, where do i even start? you were my very, very first tumblr mutual on this account! i’m so thankful you reached out to me before, and you’re still checking up on me even now. words can’t describe how much i adore you + how appreciative of you! when i see you on my dash with your stories, i always end up cackling because you’re so fun. idk how you do it working all those hours + going to nursing school, but you is a mf boss ass queen!!

@hoekaashi ash, my queen!! my tag for you is my day is blessed because ash ✨exists✨ because that’s honestly how i feel about you. i am truly blessed with your kindness, your humor, your friendship, you. thank you for always keeping me company through our struggles in pharmacy school! you are one of the realest people i know, and i feel so honored that you always send me random kenma pics & fics you think i’d like 🥺

@kanao annette, the other half of my soul, my whole heart, my literal soul sister. you are one of the biggest blessings i’ve received this year, and i honestly don’t know where i would be without you listening to my dumb shit and supporting me through all my mess LOL. thank you for validating me all the time, even if it’s just stupid stuff like enabling me to buy all the random stuff that i’ve been thinking about LMAO. i love how we are always ✨speaking✨ and ✨manifesting✨ good things in our futures together. i literally feel like i can talk about any and everything with you, and i love that about us 🥺 i am manifesting that beach vacation 2021 for us, okay!!! 💖

@sapphitedreams leo, my cutest menace in the kitchen 💖 thank you for reaching out to me when i was too shy to reach out to you uuuu. you’re such a chaotic calm in my life, and i love your energy. i am constantly in awe with how adorable, supportive, and creative you are! even though you bully me sometimes and only make things for characters’ birthdays, you are so so talented and it floors me every time i see your creations because they are so amazing idk how they’re real. i hope you are able to get some rest even if you have to work during your break (& i hope you don’t accidentally fall during work anymore smh HAHAH)!

@onefortyninecm danielle!! my love!! i know i mention this before, but i am always so so inspired by you. you’re so tiny, but you have such a big heart and soul. you’re so beautiful inside and out + your humor is god tier. i’m so glad you were the very first person i’ve ever commissioned from (& spiraled me into comissioning indulgent kenma art HAHAHA), and i’m still amazed by your talent and kindness every time you post something new omg. i still can’t believe you DREW ON YOUR PHONE what the heck!! you’re so talented it’s crazy HAHA. i’m always thinking fondly of you + dandy wedding in a pumpkin patch 2021, okay thanks.

@p-irozhki rissa!! i am so blessed with all the gifs you create and all your content on my dash! whenever i think of you, i think about all the smol icons you use because to me, you = cuteness = i wanna hug you so much!!! i think i already said it, but i’m always so thankful when you read all my self-indulgent fanfics and leave kind comments on them 😭 thank you for culturing me about mangoes HAHAHA. there’s never a bad time with you, and i’m thankful we got to meet this year!

@hoshino-a lena lena! you actually have so much bde that i am in constant awe by you. you are such a baddie & i have this like clear imagine in my head of you with crisp and clean vibes + the skies from your pfp on discord, hehe. i love you and all your brain rots about your exes. at this point, every time i see semi, my first thought is “ah it’s lena’s ex” and whenever i hear some sad song, i would be like “omg it’s lena ab her ex semi eita” LMFAOIOAGJDLA. i love talking to you because your energy is just immaculate + i just love your presence 💖 also please get some sleep because do you even sleep 😭

@myelocin nic!! you’ve painted my world in so many iridescent shade so life, i can’t even begin to describe how much you mean to me. you works are just so beautiful so imagine how much i shrieked when i saw you followed me LMFAOOADIGDALJ i love that your blog is your safe space because it has become a place of comfort for me as well (and i’m going to miss you so much when you leave 😭😭). your makki brain rot is so strong, and sometimes i think about makki and you making dinner and teasing each other and throwing flour at each other or something idk. this is nic’s world now and we are all living in it tbh.

@tsu-kiss nina!! you are someone i find such comfort in. i’m not really sure if that even makes sense LOL. but your blog and you are a source of comfort for me. in my head, you have such an older sister vibe even though i’m older than you LMAOOADGHDAKJ. i hope life is treating you well because you deserve all the best!! seeing you thrive makes my heart so full 🥺 i love you so much!!

@souheii lisa!! i kid you not, the first time you dropped an ask in my ask box, my heart skipped a beat because you told me you love me and i love you and you are so cute and i cri!!!! i know we don’t talk often, but every time i see you on my dash or in my notifs or when we do talk, it’s like a little shot of serotonin every time :”) thank you for being such a lovely human being mrs. iwaizumi hajime, 27, althetic trainer😭

@ultkags cas!! my first child 💖 i know you’re on a hiatus right now because school really, really sucks BUT you are seriously one of my biggest blessings. you are literally my ray of sunshine because every time i talk to you, i gain so much warmth and energy from you. every time i see your edits, it absolutely AMAZES me because i literally don’t know how i am able to see all your edits FOR FREE?? all your thoughts behind the composition and symbolism for each piece is CRAZY. please remember that i’m always your biggest fan + i love you so so much. please take care and remember to drink water and get some rest!! your grandma is always here to send you love + forehead kisses because this grandma can’t bake :(

@u-make-my-heart-tsumtsum ree!! hi, i know we’ve only started talking recently but i love how open and warm you are. our love was so strong that even tumblr tried to stop us 😭 conversations with you are always so easy and lovely, and you are just such a cool person!? i love reading all your thoughts (& i can’t wait to dive into your masterlist after school ends because we live for fluffy tsumu content 😭). i’m not sure why you even follow me, but i adore you so much!!

@neonghxst el, where do i even begin!! you are such a lovely person, and i literally have no other words to say because you always leave me speechless. your writing is so so gorgeous, and you are so so beautiful. i love reading all your stories because they truly leave an everlasting impact on me, and i love reading your interactions + just seeing you on my dash. you are so thoughtful, and you take care of everyone around you so well. i hope that you are also giving yourself the same treatment because you deserve all the best as well! remember to drink water in between your coffees and get some rest as you go into your final 2 weeks of the semester!!

@und3lla maliha! hi love! i know we haven’t spoken much or in a while, but i really do always think of you randomly. you were one of the first mutuals i made && you are such a sweet soul. i love how every time we talk, it really fills me up with happiness. thank you for just being such a lovely person && you truly are one of the softest people i’ve met. thank you <3

@deadontheinsidebut angel, my dumb ham, my queen, my hoe (heaven on earth), my everything. i know you are also on a semi-hiatus right now because everything that’s going on, but i hope you are properly taking care of yourself >:( i’m always here to remind you to drink some water in between your coffees and teas and to GET SOME REST. you are so so driven, and i really admire how open and friendly you are. you truly are your namesake because you are literally an angel, and i always feel so blessed to be in your presence (even if you bully me sometimes for being a boomer 😔). words can’t describe how much i love you and care about you && i hope that you are able to find what you’re looking for during your break! 💖

@rumprich ananya! hello! i am so thankful to see you and all your content on my dash. you have so much creativity, and all your edits are so aesthetically pleasing to look at? like it’s so light + pretty!! i’m so so grateful that we are mutuals somehow because ahhh i really don’t deserve you. you are so adorable, and i truly am blessed to see your presence!

@yuki-souma vee! i know we only started talking very very recently, but you are so much fun to talk to! i love how diverse our conversations are, and i love that we have similar favorites, and even when we don’t, it’s always a fun conversation that i look forward to! i love how open and inviting you are, and i’m really grateful that we are mutuals + i love and appreciate you so so much!

@owlywrites owly! hello! you are seriously one of the most supportive souls i’ve met on this website. your kindness and drive to learn always leaves me speechless because you’re so amazing. thank you for being so kind to me, and i hope you extend that same kindness to yourself! don’t be so hard on yourself and remember to take breaks and take care too. you are such a beautiful soul, and i hope you’ll remember that i’m always here to support you!!

@graphicstills-in-motion hi arianne! thank you so so much for always being so kind to me. i don’t know what i did in life to deserve you, but i must have done something right to have someone so kind like you in my life! thank you for being such a sweet soul + always boosting everyone around you up. your kindness is definitely contagious! i love seeing your edits and reading our conversations because there are always so many thoughts put in. thank you <3

@applepienation justine! thank you so much for always checking in on me whenever i post random shit on my dash. i really do appreciate you and all that you do for not just me, but also for everyone around you. you are such a ray of sunshine, and i’m so thankful that you’re in my life! i know uni is crazy for you right now, but i hope you’re still taking time to take care of yourself! sending you lots of love and positive energy!!

@touyax drake! hi love. i absolutely LIVE for your tags LMAOOADJGALD. they are literally my thoughts but you just typed them out HAHAH. i’m so thankful that i get to see your beautiful content on my dash, and i’m always in awe by all your edits! thank you for always being such a fun person + never leaving me feeling like a fool whenever i post ask games LOL. i love and appreciate you so much! 💖

@kagehjna ilayda! my kagehina supplier 🥺🥺 i love seeing your presence on my dash because you truly post all the best things! you are such a lovely person + i love reading your tags HAHA. you are truly a joy and we will definitely have matching kagehina icons one day okay 😭😭 12/7 is finally here/coming SO I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!! thank you for always blessing me <3

@sadaharus hi mei! you are literally the definition of softness to me. all your content and edits are just so soft and beautiful, and i love seeing everything you post. you are my main gintama supplier HAHA. i really appreciate how kind you are + how you’re always so sweet to me. 🥺 i know it’s kinda funny how i started following you because of a random ask game, but i’m so so glad i did because i always feel so thankful you’re here!

@fake-charliebrown charlie! my little sprout babie!! i have so much admiration for you because you have so so much talent! your style is so distinctive, and i love that!! it’s so soft + vibey, and i’m honestly so so amazed by it all. not to mention, you have the best haikyuu thoughts! thank you for sharing all of that with me! i’m thankful for you, thank you <3

@itachihaa ay! my froggy princess 🥺 thank you for always being so kind to me + having the patience to deal with how slow i am to responding!! i’m really appreciative of you always because you make/have so much beautiful content and you are so so sweet as well!? and the way you call me miss starlight 🥺 that makes me so soft like!! uuu i love you.

@stardust-make-a-wish star! you are so so adorable!! i LOVE reading your tags because they make me feel so fuzzy and soft but also relatable HAHA. your presence is such a joy + thank you for always interacting with me even though i just spam random stuff LMAO. i love how thoughtful your answers are + how much you love cake/sweets (very suiting because you are so sweet 🥺). thank you for being interested in me even though i am the one asking you questions!

@karasu-hoes daisy! hello! i have so much admiration for you because you have so much creativity and kindness! like your events are so cool and unique + your writing is so beautiful! i love reading your feral thoughts + all your work. i also really love reading your witching hours!!! thank you for blessing me with you 🥺 you are always so kind + i love how much you care about your friends and the people around you. i hope you’re taking care while renewing your teaching certifications! 💖

@frailuta nico! hello love! i know we haven’t really spoken before, but i just want to know i love you so much. you make the most beautiful gifs + i truly am in awe every time you post something. life is tough sometimes, but you are tougher! sending so so much love and positive energy to you + please remember to take care! <3

to all my mutuals and followers: thank you so so much for sticking with me and my mess of a blog. i honestly don’t really contribute much to anything, but i’m so thankful you guys are still here! thank you, thank you, thank you! i love and appreciate all of you guys + my ask box/messages are always open if you want/need someone to talk to 💖 thinking fondly of everyone today + so much love to you guys mwah mwah!

#text #this got really long but #i am really truly thankful for everyone of you #i have so so much love for you guys #sending all my love and positive energy to you guys #i'm so sorry sometimes i'm really slow at responding but #i really do think of you guys!!#love you all mwah mwah

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syndianites · 4 years ago

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The After; The Athar: Chapter One

Chapter 1/?

Chapter 1 [Here] - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

AO3: This Chapter - Full Fic

Summary: Post Season 2, non-Mianitian Compliant. The crew finally land back into the world after the events of Ruxomar. That should be a good thing, right? But Wag is feeling the burden of everything that has happened to him, and he didn’t even get his magic back to boot.

It’s hard to be happy when life has been so shitty.

Relationships: Sparklington (end-game), Marthlington (temporarily), Sparkanite (Spark x Ianite) (past, mentioned), Motanite

Content Warnings: Death Mentions, Implied Depression, Implied PTSD, Self-Deprecation, Breaking up a Relationship (Marthlington)

AN: I’ve been working on this since September? of 2019! I have 5 chapters done and still going. I wanted to wait to post this until I was done with it, but my impatience has gotten the better of me.

@the-moon-pal I’m coming for your crown king >:)

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They’d made it home a couple weeks ago, to the land of Mianite. It’d been such a relief. They got to meet the rest of the alts, got to watch Dianite meet the other gods- and cringe at the tension that crackled between them- got to find all their homes again. For once, in the past-however-long, there was peace. They could relax.

So why did Wag feel like utter shit?

Right. Because he literally got the worst part of the deal.

He thought his powers would come back when they got home. And they did, for a few hours. Not the full range, but a lot of it. It felt good to be full of magic again. It felt like he was himself.

But then things started to fall apart. Martha grew distant. His powers fell away in fits and bursts. He realized that the rest of FyreUK had moved on after they made amends in Ruxomar. They found their way on. Without him.

Nothing was the same, he realized, as he spent more time around the place they had called ‘home.’

Spark had done what he did best: built a city. Well, more like a village. What had once been a place of buildings thrown about at random and mostly open plains was now sparsely populated. Neatly arranged shops and a few houses took up the space next to the beach. New people had even begun to show up.

Everything was changing around him, yet he was stuck holding onto the past. Holding onto his wizardhood, to his brotherhood, to a partner that was farther now than ever, and- worst of all- he was still holding onto the hope that everything would just… go back. To how it was.

To when he was important.

Well, like fuck is he was going to sit around and loathe his existence. He could at least try to do something. Swear to Athar, he wasn’t going to turn into a lump of depression just because he couldn’t handle change! He’d rather be a walking mass of depression! That way he could at least pretend he was being productive.

Potions or spellbooks? A question as old as time. Potions were a staple in his life. If there was one thing that would never leave him, it was his ability to make fucking potions. Like, fucking make potions. Not potions to help people fuck. On the other hand, the more he poured through spellbooks, the more likely he was to get closer to finding out how to get his powers back.

Maybe his powers left when FyreUK left, taking all the glory of Athar with it. But that was too terrible of a thought, so that got chucked in the ‘not-today-bitch’ bin. Which was a handy dandy mental bin that stored all of his worst problems.

He never could fit himself in it, though.

So potions it was.

Now that he was out of the business of magic, most of his money came from his potion making. He had made yet another little wizard- alchemist? Potion master?- tower. Plopped some advertisements in el Pueblo de Spark and took orders to pass the time. He had to fund his botany experiments somehow. Someone had to introduce weed into this world, that might as well be him.

If he was going down in history for something, that wasn’t ‘Word Renowned Wizard Extraordinaire’, then ‘The Guy who Made Weed’ would sure as hell work.

Wag pulled up his log of orders. Luck, luck, dexterity, healing, luck, love- yeah, those didn’t really work but he’d make it anyways-, strength, luck, yadda, yadda, yadda. Lots of luck. He could probably get away with making a batch or two of luck potions, then work through the rest.

He spared a glance outside. Spark’s little hut-square town was beginning to develop into a pleasant little fishing hole. Surprisingly- or not, given how deep the waters were nearby- the place was actually a fairly hot place for single fish to mingle. Warm waters, nice and deep, lots of cover, and not much human interference. Until now, anyway.

Either the fishermen were starting to get a fair amount of revenue going or they really needed help. Luck potions were among his most expensive. The ingredients were hard to acquire regardless of how you made it.

Rabbit’s foot? Morally and physically hard to get a hold of. Rainbow trout? Terribly rare. ‘Star-light Fruit’? Not even confirmed to exist.

His method was a little more straightforward. A butt load of four-leaf clovers, a tiny bit of alcohol, and a fuckton of glitter. Clovers for the magic, glitter for the look, and alcohol for the feeling of being lucky.

It was a very bullshit potion.

It took forever to find the clovers, let alone collect them.

Athar give him strength.

Giving one last look outside, he tucked his log book in his cloak. Then he went and rummaged through his chests.

Monotony here he comes.

~~~

Wag was halfway through his second batch of luck potions when a distant knock came from his door, followed by the sound of bells. If not for the bells he’d have ignored the knocking. With a stretch, he putzed down the stairs. The many flights of stairs.

He missed being able to make elevators.

Opening the door revealed one Mr. Sparklez, hair tousled but otherwise neatly groomed. He was relaxed, if not a little winded from his trek up the hill Wag claimed as his own.

Wag smiled. “Hey Sparklez, what brings you up to my tower of terror today? Here for a chat or a swanky danky potion?”

He gestured for Jordan to head inside and get comfortable, but the man waved him off. “Actually,” Jordan started, “I was wondering if you’d seen Martha? I needed to ask her something and I haven’t seen her all day. Figured she’d be with you.”

Ah, so Jordan wanted to find Martha.

Ouch.

Doing his best to ignore the squeeze in his chest, Wag kept his smile firmly in place. “No, I don’t think I have. She, uh.” He paused, going for a nonchalant shrug. “She doesn’t come around the tower all that often. I’d ask Spark instead. She tends to hang around him more. Her good ole pops and all, y’know. They do have a lot to catch up on.” Wag tried to ignore how weak his words sounded. He didn’t want it to sound weird that Martha wouldn’t come around, but instead he just sounded pathetic.

Great.

Jordan gave Wag an awkward smile, seemingly uncomfortable with the sad display. “Ah, alright. I’ll ask around for Spark.”

He turned to leave but caught himself before he was fully turned away. Jordan chewed on his words. “Are you-” His eyes swept over Wag. “How have you been? We don’t see you as much anymore. Other than Tom, I guess, but it's hard to get rid of Tom once he decides you’re friends, y’know?”

“I’ve been,” Wag wanted to laugh, but pushed through the sentence, “swell, thank you. I would get out more, but I’m always so busy potion making. Gotta pay the bills somehow.” The words tasted bitter on his tongue. It wasn’t the exact truth, but he did spend a lot of time on potions.

Letting his shoulders settle, Jordan gave a small laugh. “Who would press a wizard to pay bills? Someone who wants to catch on fire, I’m sure.” He opted for a friendly smile. “If you ever want to hang out or something, let me know. I’ve been getting kind of bored between Spark telling me how to be a better champion of Ianite and living in an actual, peaceful society.”

Wag waved after Jordan as he began his descent. Yeah, a wizard. A frown tugged at his face while he shut the door.

A real fucking wizard.

~~~

Making potions was rather methodical. Each step took a certain amount of time, each item had certain effects, meshed certain ways with other items. It was like following a recipe, but with bigger consequences for messing up. Cooler results, though.

Wag had just finished melting down the clovers he’d gathered and extracting the essence- which is to say he lit it on fire after sprinkling a generous amount of blaze powder on it- when Jordan had stopped by. Which was convenient, since he needed to wait for the weird half-liquid half-slime to cool off enough to move it. The awkward potions, glitter, and alcohol were already prepped. Now all he needed to do was mix shit together.

Oh joy.

At the very least, it was satisfying to roll the clover essence into little balls to plop into an awkward potion and then watch them dissolve. The clover gave the essence a natural, healthy green color while the blaze powder, which clung to even the most thoroughly washed slime, gave it something of a yellow highlight. Golden glitter gets dumped in to make it feel like you were about to drink something special. Yes, the glitter was edible. No, most people didn’t realize he put glitter in this shit. Then the alcohol was for that background buzz. It was meant to dull the senses just enough to trick people into believing, wholeheartedly, in whatever god-forsaken abomination he just made.

Sorry. What ever divinely crafted, totally safe potion he’d just made.

Sure, he didn’t test it himself, but it seemed to work well enough for the people he gave it to. So where was the harm?

It was fine.

The next part was perhaps the most boring. And he’d spent all day yesterday crawling on the ground looking for four-leaf clovers.

Tagging and packaging. Writing names on slips of paper, tying them to the potion, putting it in a small, padded box to prevent any breaks. Rinse, repeat. It was annoying, wasted money, all that jazz, but it helped the look. Who wants to be handed a regular old potion, by hand, when you can get it in some majestic looking box to really add some sparkle to your magic?

Maybe Ruxomar rubbed off on him in a bad way.

In any case, the look was important, and by Athar was he going to make it look fucking fantastic.

Unfortunately, this task was also terribly, horribly monotonous. Worse yet, it left room for thinking. And thinking was Wag’s least favorite pastime since floating in the Void. Especially since floating in the Void.

It lead to him thinking deeply about himself and Athar knows that most of his life problems could be traced right back to that. His mistakes, his fuck ups, his shortcomings, all of it came back to him thinking way too hard about himself.

Gross.

Instead, he tried to run over potion recipes in his mind. Or any recipe, really. All the different ways to make a fire resistance potion when you don’t have magma cream. Counting how many potions used lemongrass. Figuring out what potions would make it more likely to catch fish. Literally anything. As long as it was potions, it was fine.

Not about himself, not about Athar, not about wizards, and not about… Martha.

Yeah, that last one would be a one hit k-o.

But now that his mind had touched on the subject, it dug in. Sunk it's claws into the delicate stability of his mind. Dramatic, he knows, but that’s how it felt. It was like the more he tried to get the thought out of his mind, the further it burrowed into him. Awful, painful, and not even worth the effort.

Martha… clearly didn’t care about him anymore. Or, well. He winced at the thought. She didn’t love him like she used to. If she, uh. Did in the first place. But this was old news. This was something he pondered after she seemed to avoid him like the plague, seemed to grimace when she looked over and saw him and not him.

Steve.

The name sat heavy in his head. They hadn’t meshed well, ‘specially where Martha was concerned. But they managed, for her, because they loved her.

Wag felt guilty, looking back on it now. For stealing their time together, for messing with their relationship. They hadn’t gotten to be together enough, had lost too much time before-

Yeah, he didn’t like thinking about Steve more than he didn’t like thinking about Martha. Wag didn’t feel like he deserved to think the name, let alone put himself up against his image. Steve was a hero. He rebelled against Helgrind in a cunning, intelligent way, he was selfless in more aspects than any of the heroes that appeared in Ruxomar, and he was the one to sacrifice the most. To sacrifice it all.

Where did Wag stand against that?

Honestly, it was no wonder Martha couldn’t stand to look at him. He was just a reminder of Steve, a reminder that she didn’t have Steve. That she had him instead.

Had she ever loved him?

That wasn’t the point. The point was that Martha was hurting, trying to pick up the pieces of what she left behind in Ruxomar. What she had lost. And Wag wasn’t doing anything to help. He was stuck up in his tower, making potions, trying to forget about everything that he wasn’t.

He should try to look for her.

But the last time he did, he got turned away. She was “catching up with her father.” She was “busy settling into the new world.” She was “trying to get a grip on her new goddesshood.”

Wag was persistent, but even he could get the hint.

By Athar, he got the hint. “I don’t want to see you.” “Don’t come near me.” “You can’t help me.”

He wondered if Spark was doing anything to help her or if he was also caught up in everything that had happened. From what he had learned about the man in Ruxomar, he was devoted to his wife. No, he gave everything for his wife. Learning she was dead after working up everything to see her again?

He had played it well. When he heard the news, Spark kept strong, only letting his tears show. If he had gone home later after parting with Martha, who had her own grief and guilt, crumbling on the inside no one would know. And if he had locked himself away and let everything loose, let himself break, none would be the wiser. But they could guess, they could give him a passing glance, a thoughtful frown.

Wag wondered if he still carried that grief around with him.

Spark had taken to trying to discipline Jordan to be a better champion of Ianite. It had made the man uncomfortable with getting told he could be a better follower and all. Or rather, having it implied that he wasn’t the best follower. Spark was stubborn in ‘training’ the champion of Ianite to be a full fledged follower.

Still, Jordan didn’t appreciate the sentiment.

Wag understood. Having the husband of the very goddess you watched die get on your case about being a better follower? When the crushing weight of guilt hadn’t fully let off your shoulders? He wondered if Spark hadn’t taken to coaching Jordan to make himself feel better, to remind himself that he would have kept Ianite safe, that he would have fixed the world before it broke out from under them.

It sounded like torture.

But it helped settle Wag. Call him selfish, but he felt better knowing other people had real problems, real grief, to deal with. Sure, Wag had his hang up with Martha. Yeah, he had his issues with being-a-wizard-yet-not. But he wasn’t as close to neck deep as Spark was. Like Martha was.

He wished belittling his problems made them feel less suffocating.

Martha. Martha was still pushing him away. And he was letting her. What did that say about him? About their relationship?

A sigh heaved out of his chest. It was like someone stuck a large rock right in his rib cage, tucked neatly between his lungs. Hard, heavy, and an all around burden. Potions. He needed to think about potions.

His hands betrayed him with a subtle shake. How many names did he have left to write? How many boxes did he have left to pack? Fuck if he knew. He had to keep counting, to find a way to wrap up all his issues, his panic, his fear, into a nice little package and tuck it away like a forgotten gift.

Athar help me, Wag tried to control his thoughts, I might drive myself insane by the end of the year.

As if on cue, another knock at his door broke his thoughts. He tried not to feel relieved to rush away from his potion packaging. He was fine, cool as a cucumber.

Throwing open the door, he came face to face with his second visitor of the day. Tom.

Tom was standing in front of his door almost uncertainly, like he wasn’t quite sure why or how he got there. He took one sweep over Wag’s unhidden face and a determined, focus look set in on his own.

“We,” Tom looped his arm around Wag’s in a sudden movement, “are going out somewhere. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.”

Eyebrows shooting up, Wag let himself be dragged from his house with an aborted motion to close the door behind him. He mournfully watched his door stay ajar. Hopefully no one else ventured up the hill today, otherwise he might be down a few potions.

“Why?” Wag turned his attention back to Tom, who was resolute in his intention of pulling Wag away to Athar knows where.

A grin was shot in his direction. “You look like you need to get out of the house. Also, I’m real fuckin’ bored and you’re clearly in need of some company.”

A wry smile snuck on Wag’s face. “Oh lucky me. We should get some tea, live up to our trademark.”

Tom nodded. “Absolutely. Let’s hit town. Fuck it up. Flaunt our hero-ness and get shit faced.”

“Let’s not get shit faced, and especially not get kicked out of town for making a ruckus.” Wag fondly rolled his eyes. “I do quite like living here and it’d be a shame to have to follow you around to make sure you don’t die.”

Tom gave a mocked offended gasp, free hand coming up to his forehead as he leaned away. “How dare you! I’ll have you know I’d never die if I didn’t live in a community. I’m a rogue, don’t you know.” He sniffed. “I can easily hold my own in the dangerous wilds.”

“Without anyone to pester and annoy?”

“I can pester anything!”

Wag bit his lip to stop a laugh. Tom always brought such energy with him. It was refreshing. Maybe he was right, he just needed some company.

He wouldn’t say that to his face, though.

“I suppose so,” Wag continued, “You are rather persistent. I bet you could annoy the sun into setting early.”

“Nah, I’d blow that fucker up instead.” Tom winked, snuggled back up to Wag, effectively trapping his arm. “I still think we should get shit faced. Drink our sorrows into the drain, throw them up another day.”

Wag mock gagged. “I’d rather keep them down the drain, thank you. Besides, what a waste of alcohol. If I’m drinking, I’m drinking to keep it down. Not!” He quickly cut Tom off, “That I want to go out drinking.” He eyed the sky, giving a disapproving look to Tom when he saw that it was still early afternoon. “No one should be getting drunk before the sun touches the horizon.”

With a pout, Tom leaned into Wag’s side. “Lame. I suppose,” he drew out the word, “we could go get some good old fashioned tea. Call it a pre-game without the game.”

Wag rolled his eyes. He wasn’t looking to out game his issues. That wasn’t a solution. It’d just make him turn into a sad drunk and give him a headache in the morning.

This is why he needed weed back.

But also, he didn’t want to develop another problem. Gotta keep it clean. For now.

Tom still had his own plans, alcohol or no alcohol. “I find when I’m feeling down that doing something batshit stupid makes me feel better. We should go fishing with our bare hands- no, with only our teeth- and no shirt on. Attract ladies and gents to us alike. Are they looking at our finely chiseled chests or our daring courage? Who’s to say.”

“You are far from chiseled my friend. Try soft.” Wag poked Tom in the stomach jokingly. “And who said that I’m feeling down?”

“Hey!” Tom swatted his hand away. “I’ll have you know I’m more ripped than you’ll ever be!” He huffed, squeezing Wag’s arm. They walked in silence for a moment, now upon the town. After wandering the street for a second, Tom spoke again, quieter. “I had this feeling.” Wag eyes him. “It was weird. My gut was telling me to check in on you. And then when you opened the door it was written on your face. Even I’m not dumb enough to miss that.”

Wag heard the unspoken I was worried carried in Tom’s words. Talk about soft. He squeezed Tom’s arm back. “Oh wow, a gut feeling?” He teased lightly, “I think it was just you missing my magical presence. It is hard to go too long without seeing me.” If only that were true. “But I’m here now, and we can go do something absolutely stupid, just for you.”

They share a smile, a quiet thank you floating between them.

Tom gets a glint in his eyes. “Does this mean we can go catch fish with our bare hands?”

“I suppose so.” Wag drawled. “How else are we going to show off our toned figures?”

That got him a laugh, one concerningly maniacal, and he was dragged between houses.

Yeah, he might regret this.

Tom turned and gave him a smile that was all teeth and no common sense. He paused next to the shore, a little ways off from the docks. Shucking his clothes, one Tom Syndicate stood proudly in his underwear, unconcerned about the effect of sunlight on zombified skin. People gave them a look of distaste.

Oh, he was definitely going to regret this.

~~~

Soggy was one way to describe how Wag felt. Wet as shit was another. All in all, he was rather pleased with himself and the rather large, shiny fish sitting in his lap. The fish which so happened to be a fair amount larger than Tom’s.

“Oh fuck you.” Tom spluttered around a mouthful of fish, laying down an arm’s length away. He had gathered quite an amount of fish, a solid number for catching something with your mouth alone. None of them were that large. In fact, most were an average, if not slightly below, size.

Wag eyed the pile smugly. He may have only caught two, but damn if he didn’t go big.

“Well, it seems that I’ve caught myself a winner.” He tried not to look too pleased. The look on Tom’s face told him he failed.

Tom scoffed, letting the fish fall to the sandy floor with a wet fwop. “You got lucky! Clearly, quantity wins the game here. Sure, you caught one big, old, dumb motherfucker, but I caught a dozen other dumbass fish! I should get the win.”

“Wasn’t size the goal here?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I think you do.”

Before Tom could fire back, a voice from behind interrupted him. “I think the two fools sitting in their underwear soaked to the bone are both losers.”

Wag tilted his head back to see Tucker standing with his hands in his pockets, back slouched, and an easy smile on his face, standing just where the sand turned to grass. Next to him was one lovely fox lady, Sonja herself, and one Sparkle butt, Jordan.

Nice to see the gang all here.

Tom sat up. “How dare you! I’ll have you know we are the best fishers on the island!”

Tucker raised a single eyebrow. “Really now? Are all the other fishers out at sea today?”

“Well excuse you, Mr. Boner. I’ll have you know we caught all of this,” Tom sweeps his arm across their score. “And I think that’s quite the haul.”

“How long did it take you?”

“Fuck you.”

Tucker snickered, moving closer to poke his foot into Tom’s side. “That’s what I thought.”

Wag, meanwhile, was carefully moving his prize to the side so he could stand up. Brushing the sand off himself, he exchanged a smile with Sonja and a nod with Jordan. Sonja gave him a good natured headshake. “And here I thought you were smarter than this.”

Jordan’s eyes trailed down Wag’s chest before flittering away. “Right down to your boxers? Tom must have gotten you good.”

“Well, I was fairly set on getting a nice cup of tea and walking across the beach, hand in hand like real lovers, but Tom was far more intent to go all macho and catch fish with his mouth alone.” Wag leaned in with a hand against his mouth to give a stage whisper. “Between you and me, I think he’s trying to step up his oral game.” He winked.

Jordan groaned, giving Wag what he thought to be a rather dramatic eye roll. That wasn’t even the worst he had to offer, and he’d given him such an easy setup! Sonja waggled her eyebrows and giggled when Tom butted in. “It’ll never be as good as yours dear.” He batted his eyelashes mock innocently.

The group burst into laughter. Tucker stepped closer, swinging an arm around his vaguely damp shoulders. “Hey, it’s nice to see you out and about man. It’s been a hot second. Almost thought you’d drank the wrong potion and kicked it or something.”

Wag nodded seriously. “Quite the real possibility. Why, just yesterday I almost drank real glitter! The kind you’re not supposed to eat.”

“Been there,” Sonja added, “I thought I was going to die when I did. Just gave me a very colorful trip to the bathroom.”

Tom grinned as he moved to elbow Jordan in the side. “I bet our good ole Captain here wouldn’t know the difference. How else did he get his namesake, right Mr. Sparkley Butt?”

“Hardy har,” Jordan gave Tom a fondly disgusted look. “The name’s Captain Sparklez, that ‘namesake’ came from you giving me a stupid nickname.”

They fell into more chatter, giving Tom and Wag the time to put their clothes back on, Tom not caring that he was still wet as he put his suit back on, while Wag just slung his cloak over himself. No point in putting pants on over wet underwear.

The group, all now clothed to some extent, began to wander back towards town. Wag was more than content to listen to Tom ramble on. He would get interrupted by Tucker when he said something ‘incredibly stupid’ and, more rarely, by Jordan, who would correct some technical thing that Tom clearly did not give a shit about.

Sonja drifted next to him, giving Wag a conspiratorial smile. “You’re looking mighty fine in just a robe and boxers. Is this the bedroom Wag special? Or is that sans boxers?”

“The bedroom Wag special is whatever you want it to be.” He winked. “It’s magic all around.”

They exchanged a laugh, falling silent again.

Wag knew that wasn’t what Sonja really wanted to talk about.

She looked back at him, a warm look in her eyes. “It’s nice. To see you out. Been a while, y’know?” Sonja stretched her arms out in front of her. “It really has been a bit since we’ve talked. And since you’ve left the house. But honestly?” Her tail swishes behind her. “I could have made a few more treks up that damn mountain myself.”

Shaking his head, Wag elbowed her side lightly. “It is a fairly tall hill, but I think mountain is a bit of an overstatement.” It was, in fact, a bitch of a climb, but Wag didn’t think it was that bad. He’d put the tower just on the other side of the Glowstone Forest, across from the Priest’s house. (What was it called again? Forest of the Void? Abyss Forest? Obsidian Trees? Yeah, he didn’t know or care).

Left unsaid was a ‘That’s okay, you don’t have to go out of your way’.

He received an eye roll. “Please, the only trek worse than that is up to where Tucker’s first house was. I was so happy when we moved it down the mountain. Well, into.”

It’s no trouble, her words left hanging, I don’t mind.

Wag huffed. How dare she be considerate. “You know what’s worse than a trek up a mountain? A trek up a mountain to get some rare flower, only to be spited by the universe and have not a single flower growing up there. Honestly, I could use some help from someone so used to climbing mountains.” A smirk pulled at his face. “Or maybe just send someone up there for me.”

We could always hang out when I’m playing master botanist. If you’d like.

Sonja smiled at him, but couldn’t resist getting a dig in. “Aw, did you skip leg day? Have some chicken legs over there? That’s alright, I’m sure someone,” she tilts her head, eyes sweeping past the buildings around them, “would be willing. Get a nice little lackey so you can rest your old bones at home and complain about how the cold makes your joints stiff.”

“How dare you,” Wag sniffed, hand held up to his heart. “I’ll have you know, my joints are just fine in the cold! Some of us just aren’t made of the cold, little miss fox.”

Sonja, ever so mature, stuck her tongue out at him.

They kept up some conversation, occasionally stopping to listen in to whatever Tom was saying. Wag, for a moment, realized that he had missed this. Missed them. That even though he wanted to avoid all the new things in this world, he’d always have his friends.

A quiet, hopeless voice asked if they’d leave him too.

~~~

There was nothing quite like hiking up a hill, in only your boxers, a little buzzed, during the night time. The pure amount of skeletons that had sniffed around looking for a cheap shot alone was bad enough, but the fact that his legs already hurt from struggling to fish with just his mouth without drowning? Yeah, it felt more like he was climbing up a mountain that was near vertical.

Fuck gravity.

A pit of warmth had settled in his chest a couple hours ago. Whether it was the alcohol that Tucker, of all people, had got the group into drinking or just the effect of being with friends for a while, Wag felt content. Not a common feeling in recent times. It was nice.

Really nice.

Upon reaching his door, his mind scrambled to figure out why it was left slightly open. He shrugged. As long as nothing was missing or stolen, he didn’t really care.

He made his way inside- making sure to actually close the door behind him- and wandered over to the stairs. Ah, his mortal enemy. Between being a wizard way back when and the magic rampant in Ruxomar, he had gotten way too used to avoiding stairs. Now it was a chore to move up and down the tower. But his bed was upstairs and he was not sleeping on the crappy couch he shoved into the lobby for guests or customers again.

So stairs it was.

By the time he got halfway up the stairs, he wanted to quit. Why, in Athar’s name, did he put his room on the third highest level? Stupidity, that’s why. The view was so not worth it.

When he actually made it up to the correct floor, he pushed the door to his room open, chucked his clothes to one side, and collapsed in bed. Now this, this was worth it. Soft, plush, warm, and very much without skeletons.

The less arrows being shot at him the better.

A soft chuckle caught his attention. Or rather, killed the peace he had wrapped around himself mere hours earlier.

He didn’t move. Not because he was scared. No, he knew who was in his room. He just wanted to pretend, for a moment, like this was something he was used to.

Like coming home to his lover being home wouldn’t surprise him.

The bed dipped beside him and his robed and boxer-ed glory. A hand ran through his hair. Wag tried not to tense.

“Seems like you had a good night out.” Her voice was like silk, soft and pleasant on his ears. “Hopefully they didn’t hassle you too much.”

Wag breathed. His chest was tight, emotion punching at his ribs. “Yeah,” he said, “It was nice to have some time with them again.”

All of this felt so forgein, now. To have her here. Was she here? Or did he drink more than he had originally thought. Shit.

Martha scratched his head. “I do have to say, I’m surprised that you actually left the tower. You’ve been holed up here for so long I thought I’d have to drag you out.” He could hear the smile in her voice. Or maybe he was imagining it. His head was a mess and he wasn’t quite sure what he was making up and what was real.

It was kind of pathetic.

He laughed. “Yeah, Tom showed up and dragged me out. Not complaining though, I had a lot of fun. It was nice to take off from work. Making potions gets boring.”

So did sitting in your own depressing thoughts, but that was more exhausting than boring.

“Oh,” Wag turned his head to face Martha, looking up at her. The darkness made her hair stand out. It looked like a halo around her face, bringing out her lovely lilac eyes. She was just as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her. But there was something heavy in her eyes that she tried to wipe away when his own reached her. “Jordan was looking for you earlier. Did he ever find you?”

Martha blinked and the heaviness was gone. Ish. He knew it was there. Somewhere.

“Ah, no.” She frowned. “I’ll have to see what he needs tomorrow.”

He nodded. To be honest, Wag wasn’t convinced Martha was actually sitting here with him. Which was kind of sad. Very sad.

“I can come with, if you’d like,” Wag rushed out, trying not to sound desperate. “We haven’t had much time together, which is understandable with your dad being around and all the stuff you need to do. And, y’know, it’d be nice to walk with you for a bit.”

Oh, he sounded so desperate.

Yikes.

A smile graced Martha’s lips. “Sure, I’d love that.” Wag let out a breath. “We’ll take a stroll, get a nice scenic view of the beach as we go, call it a date-” She cut off. The heaviness came back to her eyes. Wag knew what she was thinking. Who she was thinking about.

It hurt.

“I’m going to go take a shower before getting ready for bed. You can go ahead and sleep, if you’d like. I know you’ve had a long day and you’re probably tired. Don’t force yourself for me.” Martha stood as she said this, fingers trailing in his hair. Then she left.

Reluctantly, Wag got up to do just that. Changed his boxers and hung up his cloak. Buried himself back into bed, under the covers.

Yeah. It’d be a date.

~~~

Martha didn’t like to get up early. Neither did Wag. Normally, this lead to them sleepily cuddling until one felt so inspired as to get up. Normally.

Ever since the group returned to the land of Mianite, Martha didn’t sleep as well. Between nightmares, being a fledgling goddess, and the… absence of certain people, she found herself waking earlier and earlier.

Wag had his fair share of sleep troubles. Where sleep troubles stopped Martha from sleeping as much, it led to Wag sleeping more. The less he slept the more exhausted he was. The more exhausted he was the more he slept. It was a vicious cycle and actually the reason Wag didn’t leave the house as much.

Nonetheless, both found themselves getting ready to leave just after dawn. Martha moved like last night didn’t end awkward and uncomfortable. Bright, cheerful, and painfully affectionate with Wag. Like she hadn’t been avoiding him for the better part of their stay here.

The worst part was that this wasn’t the first time she came back like nothing was wrong. It was almost like she could tell when he was starting to doubt their relationship. Except, he was constantly doubting their relationship. Even when things had been going well. But this time, it was like she knew when he was thinking about how much of a relationship they didn’t have.

Which was concerning if she actually knew what he thought.

Wag, on the other hand, moved like a zombie. Tired, groggy, and barely awake. The picture of early morning beauty. It wasn’t far off from how he used to act, but now it was like someone had chained weights to his feet.

Damn, he was tired as shit.

Martha had set about making some breakfast from the little food he had. Some eggs, some- thankfully not spoiled- fruit, and milk. Wag was pretty sure he didn’t have milk, but he wasn’t going to question it. She was the more magical of the two, now, so it was within reason that she could get milk in the few minutes he’d lagged behind her in getting out of bed.

He, on the other hand, was on the task of making coffee. Coffee was something of a luxury here, since it was so new to the land. It wasn’t grown naturally on the island and Wag wasn’t sure if it was imported from some far off place or if it had been introduced by the earlier dimension hoppers that still hung around. Spark, for sure, seemed to run on the stuff.

That didn’t really matter to Wag, though. He had a plant of it in his garden, for ease of access, but more importantly to see if it could be used to help crossbreed weed into existence. No far off land had procured the plant yet, so he would still strive to be the maker of weed.

Not the best plan in the world, but that wouldn’t matter once he actually made the plant.

He really shouldn’t be encouraging substance abuse.

Surely, coffee would wake him up. Then he could go on a walk with Martha and do that thing they seemed to do where they avoided those topics and pretended like everything was fine. And maybe, just maybe, they’d enjoy the conversation. Maybe they’d feel something again, feel whole for the brief moment where they let themselves forget about the person who was missing, the person that clearly held more place in Martha’s heart for it to have torn so much when he-

Maybe Wag would get his shit together and let things die between them.

Maybe he’d decide that fighting an uphill battle wasn’t worth it.

For now, though, he was content to pretend things were the same. It was better than being entirely, wholly alone. And, deep in his heart, he still loved her. So, so much.

Enough that he knew it would hurt no matter what he did.

They chatted over the food Martha cooked. She complemented his coffee, the beans from the plant he owned, and he told her that the cooking is just as good as it’d always been.

Neither mentioned that it was usually Steve, not either of them, that did the cooking.

They tossed little affections at each other with ease. Like it was second nature. A brush of hands, a quick smile, a peck on the cheek. It was like a dance. As though they were trying to make a show of how much they still cared, how much nothing had changed despite the fact that everything had changed.

Hands loosely held together, they left the house as a unit, holding up a conversation with ease. If either of them tripped up in their speech as they avoided that topic or this word, neither called each other out for it. For all that everything was off and wrong, they made it work. They found a way to shove a cube into a round hole.

Whether it was because they wanted it to work so bad or because the hole was a giant chasm with space for miles was up to debate.

The beach was calm in the early morning. Fishers were stocking up their ships to start up on their daily trip, tightening a rope here, making space there. Few people walked about the town, the kids either asleep or getting hassled to eat breakfast. With so few people out, it felt like they were on the outskirts of life, just the two of them. Like viewing the world through a painting.

That illusion was helped by the sheer height of Jordan’s tree. It was still there, despite the damage it had received when Tom got to it. If he looked closely, Wag could see the remains of burn marks and grooves held in the thick bark. He had heard that, after the heroes had left, Ianite had nursed the tree back to life in honor of her lost champion.

He ignored the fact that Ianite had sent them into the void in the first place.

Wag himself had left before that, called on to help the heroes that he had watched over as a distant wizard. Even now, he wondered if it had been worth it. To lose everything because he was asked to. In his weakest moments, he wondered if it hadn’t been the gods’ way of throwing him out.

That thought hurt the most out of everything in his life and he never let it linger.

It wasn’t long before they made it to the base of the hill that Jordan’s tree- sorry, Jerry’s Tree- sat beside. They weren’t that close to getting inside yet, but it was a milestone.

As they climbed the hill, massive roots stretching out below them, Wag started up some conversation about the different species of trees. He never once mentioned apple trees. It was part of his botany, after all, and important to keep track of. The types of trees, not apple trees. Apple trees were just one of those topics and therefore something they made an unspoken agreement not to talk about.

He pondered, during his ramble, that Martha could have just flown up the tree. She could do that, after all. Wag couldn’t. Not anymore. The worst part was that he’d help build this tree, or, well, make it. Way back then. That was a sore spot to think about, but even still he was in awe of the tree. Not because of the fact that he's contributed to it- no, he had felt a sense of pride for that a long time ago. Rather, because of how it’d regrown.

Ianite’s gentle hand had turned it from merely a large, enchanting tree to a behemoth of divine wonder. Its branches had spread further, with more room between them and the tips reaching towards the heavens. The leaves had shaped up and gotten fuller, surely the size of a full-grown adult by now. Fireflies could be seen lazily hovering about clusters of leaves, giving the tree a pleasant, natural lighting.

Many more platforms and walkways had been built, new buildings having been added on top of that. They stretched from one end to the other. The most daring teased the edge of a branch, hung firmly along the length of it. The walkways were either long rope bridges made of braided vines that shimmered a faint purple or ramps made and reinforced by the same wood the tree was made of, the bottom featuring fancy swirls alongside the support beams.

Other vines, flora, and bushes lined the branches and platforms. Though they looked like they were leeching off the tree at first, a closer inspection- granted you were on the tree to get an inspection- showed they were delicately wrapped around the branches and sneakily planted in hidden pots for a more natural look. The flowers ranged from all sorts of purples- fitting. Buddleias enclosed doorways, Hyacinthus were wound along lanterns strung along pathways, and an abundance of Jacaranda could be found wherever space was made for flora.

The more he looked the more nature there was to see, the more connecting walkways there were strung along, the more everything there was. It felt like the whole world was home under the canopy.

The tree had gone from the house of a solitary man to a city of nature.

It didn’t feel like the same tree.

Wag pushed aside the nagging thought that it was better than anything he could have ever made. Ianite was a full fledged goddess, Wag was- had been- a mere wizard with the idea of godhood in his head. What he made had been incredible for mortal standards, and was still incredible for the standards he had held himself to. It would do no good to compare himself to Ianite, especially when all she had done was repair what was already there.

As they made their way up to the crest of the hill, following the path from the town to the tree as it curled around Jordan’s old home, Wag spared a glance at the birch and quartz house. It was simple, sleek and minimal. It suited Jordan. Of course, Jordan himself had made it, so why wouldn’t it?

Compared to Jerry’s Tree, though, it seemed rather dull and insignificant.

Actually.

Wag spared a closer look at the smaller home. It looked lived in. A frown pulled at his lips. Was someone living there? Who else, other than Jordan, would?

Martha had picked up the conversation now, adding in details about trees that she had seen in her travels long ago, ones he’d never have had the chance to see. There were many interesting species, some magical in the same sense as Silverwoods, some as plain as a simple oak tree, but all more than enough to satiate Wag’s desire to know more. His mind kept getting pulled back to the Casa de Sparklez, though.

A thought struck him, one he’d had just moments before.

Jerry’s Tree looked and felt so different, now that Ianite had tended to it. Like it was a different tree. Did Jordan think the same? Did it feel less like home, after being away for so long and having watched it burn?

Was Jordan living in his older house because the tree felt so forgein?

Martha was going on about a beautiful tree known for the lights its seeds shone, especially during the night hours. It really sounded like a sight to behold. More than that, the gentle, awed look on Martha’s face pulled at Wag’s heart.

Take care of her.

There was a sour taste in his mouth. Wag decided not to mention what he had just noticed. That was Jordan’s business, not his.

Martha was looking at him now, a small, shy smile on her lips. Wag felt like if he said the wrong thing it’d disappear in an instant. Like Martha was used to having her interests pushed aside, or used to pushing them aside herself when people didn’t seem to care about what she was saying.

Take care of her.

He offered a smile back, a genuine one. He really did love her. More than anything, he wanted to keep loving her. But something told him it wouldn’t work. That what they had had started to decay sometime around the end of Ruxomar, around when he left.

No, around when Martha almost became Mrs. a instead of a Ms.

Bitterness clutched at Wag’s heart. For all the love he held for her, he wondered, again and again, if she held the same. If she ever held the same, if she even held something close to the same.

Take care of her.

Looking up at Jerry’s Tree, Wag remembered what it used to be. He remembered watching it burn, the pain he had felt in seeing his hard work get tarnished, in seeing a friend’s home wither away.

Now, though, it was different. Not quite a home, anymore, but reborn. Alive. And maybe, in the future, it’d be a home again, or maybe not. Maybe it needed to burn for it to become what it was now. Jordan would have never built it up to this, but Ianite had.

Maybe that was the secret, Wag pondered. Maybe you had to let things burn to be able to build them up stronger.

He looked at Martha again, at the softness in her face and the hardness in her eyes. His heart pulled in so many directions. Love, anguish, love, despair, love, hurt, love love love.

Yeah, he was going to have to let this relationship burn.

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balletroyale · 4 years ago

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Asked and Answered: Russian Ballet

Honest question, do you think there’s a chance Kovaleva won’t be promoted to prima after all? Her repertoire is astoundingly limited... is it possible that newly-promoted Marchenkova will overtake her?

I have no idea what will happen. But I wouldn’t say Kovaleva’s repetoire is limited, especially as she is so ill-suited for what she does do. I will say that I see two openings for principal women at the Bolshoi in the next five years. Who will it be? Well, favor changes quickly there...

(Contd from last message re: Bolshoi v Mariinsky) can you BELIEVE than Nagahisa got JULIET?????? What’s next??? Nikiya for Lukina, Aurora for Nagahisa, Raymonda for Ionova and O/O for Nuikina?

Given the incompetence of the directing of the theatre, I fully suspect all these will eventually happen... But if the question wasn’t rhetorical, I’d say Aurora for Nagahisa and O/O for Nuikina are soonest in our future. Barf.

Honestly I’m amazed at all the roles 2nd soloists at the Mariinsky get versus Bolshoi soloists.... I mean, Giselle for both Lukina and Nagahisa??? One of the heaviest principal roles?!?! Gamzatti for Nuikina? Meanwhile the only principal role Denisova has danced is Phrygia, Zhiganshina danced Gamzatti and both have been with the company for longer than the Mariinsky girls I mentioned. even Sevenard who is so hyped up hasn’t danced any principal role besides Kitri. And Kitri is objectively entry level, it’s not comparable in difficulty with Giselle. IMO the Bolshoi policy is much more prudent, I really like how they’re handling young dancers rn (perhaps they have learnt from the Kovaleva mess...?)

The structure of the Mariinsky is absolute f****ed up. Their ranks have basically been rendered meaningless. They have about four women who actually dance as principals, and yet almost all of the first soloists dance almost if not more frequently (as they dance principal AND soloist roles) for less prestige and of course, less money. If you’re going to cast people consistently in leading roles, then promote them so they can have something to show for it. It’s disgraceful to not give these dancers the rank they deserve.

I agree the Bolshoi is leaning towards being miles better in this regard, though it hasn’t always been the case. I hope the trend continues.

Regarding maria khoreva’s promotion, I think I saw someone say (I forgot who or where) that they suspect that Fateyev keeps promoting her to keep her at Mariinsky. She’s a major talent and they probably want to push her as the next Lopatkina or at least Tereshkina (god forbid but you know what I mean). But she’s very famous especially on social media with digital marketing, Instagram, Tiktok, etc. and has a lot of connections and clout overseas in the West. Basically any company would be happy to take her and she would instantly be an international star (with her level of dancing and being in a Western company) so Fateyev is desperate to keep her at Mariinsky so he attempts to appease her with leading roles and the rank of first soloist. Maybe this is something really obvious that everyone already knows but I never thought of it this way before and I think it makes a lot of sense.

Yes and I do really respect her business acumen and ability to sell herself for what people consider her worth as a young woman. However, I think she and the companies are very misguided in thinking that this is the way that ballet companies should be structured and careers made.

Ohhh my GOD. This might seem a bit random but I honestly don’t know where else to talk about this (I’ll confront the people I’m about to talk about below but just thought sharing this here is quite important). So I run a Krysanova fan account on IG, recently posted a video of her fouettés. Someone reposted them on Twitter with the caption “Europeans” and someone else replied “Black culture: twerking” which they liked. I clicked into their account, they claim to be “pro-White” (now what the fuck is that?) and to “inspire, bring hope and joy to Whites” and they post content of European women. That’s fine and dandy, I love European culture but newsflash! Not all Europeans are White! And they didn’t even ask me for permission or credit me (just like how Europeans stole, invaded and colonized Indigenous peoples and their lands ahem) but that’s not even the worse. They apparently posted some photos that have Sw*stik*s in them (and deleted them promptly afterwards) and they went on some Youtube video of two Black women talking about dating and marriage in Iceland and harassed them saying Icelandic people find it disgusting, that they’re promoting “White replacement”... They also retweeted this account who is basically a White Supremacist spewing nonsense and hate to POC, especially the Black community. Saying White people are “being attacked”, defending H*tl*r, N*z*sm and racism, that POC perpetuate violent crime, drugs and prostitution, that Europe should only belong to “Indigenous Europeans” and it’s appalling that POC are “replacing White people” etc.. It hurts and disgusts me to see ballet, such a beautiful art form empowering and uplifting so many people around the world, being fucking weaponized and perverted into something that endorses such a vile belief and worldview. I know this might seem super random in your ask box, It was just one account that I’ve seen so far, I don’t know if this has been going on for a long time in their wider community of racist fucks but this is certainly the first time I have seen it and I’m SICK. I REALLY hope exploiting ballet for their disgusting purposes is not an actual phenomenon but it probably is :(

I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think it’s a widespread phenomena though, fortunately.

#ballet #ask #bolshoi ballet #mariinsky ballet #maria khoreva #Alena Kovaleva

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piperdelaprim · 5 years ago

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Headcanon: If Piper made a coming out video (Piper x Tara)

[Yes lads, this is another Tiper piece, with a little bit of a different format. She won't mention her by name, but now you'll know who she's referring to.]

Also, to keep this shorter on the dash, I’ve added the “keep reading” cut after the intro! Sorry for not adding this before! Also this took me 2 months to finish it be like that sometimes tho

Piper: [mellow] Hi guys...

[After saying that shyly, she For about 10 seconds, Piper, while sitting down, stares at the camera and then shifts her focus to her laptop screen, examining how she looks with a rare casual outfit while contemplating on her next set of words.]

Piper: So I don't think anybody's ever gonna see this. I highly doubt in God's name that I'm ever gonna post this somewhere,

[Piper slightly chuckles at her own statement, but quickly shifts back to her serious tone]

Piper: ...but I have to say it. To somebody--er, somethin' rather.

[She chuckles once again]

Piper: As a lot of people know, I'm...well, not poor. I grew up very wealthy, and very fortunate.

Piper: [Her tone raises slightly] So damn fortunate that I got bored of it! [Yet another chuckle] Kiddin', kiddin', but I didn't feel like I had a life to live, uh, I didn't feel free, is a better way to say it. I kinda knew as a kid that I was missing a lil' somethin' in my life. Of course when I was a little child I didn't get this dang philosophical, but it was always there. And I know, I know. I pro'lly sound privileged as hell, but at the end of the day I'm grateful for everything I've endured thus far, but that's not the point here.

[Piper lets out a large sigh before continuing with her story]

Piper: My momma and poppa...though I love 'em to death, God bless their hearts, they wanted me to get married as soon as I can. I was...well...I ain't sure if this is how you say it but, conditioned to think that, that um...I was gonna get married...like a normal girl would! [Pause]

Piper: [Sarcastically] Well, I'm still not married!

[Piper pauses to drink the water cup beside her and then looks at the camera again for a couple moments before continuing]

Piper: And I really wasn't sure why I felt like nobody ever felt like they were...you know...the one! I mean, my life is already so dang crazy, I don't brawl for money or fame, but to, uh, release all the anger within me--to make up for all the times I couldn't resist what I was told to do. The funny thing is...I'm well over the adult age--and I still don't feel so free. I suppose I'm independent, but not exactly...free. If that makes sense.

[About to talk about the most serious part of her life, Piper lets out another big sigh]

Piper: I was set up with many different men by my family, and most of them were very kind and courteous toward me. They were all very good men, but fallin' in love with them was very hard for me to do--it ain't somethin' that came naturally. Well, I ain't been in love for a very very long time. Last time I was in love--it was many years ago--it didn't seem to work out, and lookin' back, it's hard for me to understand why things happened the way they did. Maybe it truly wasn't meant to be, I don't know, but the stars...didn't align. [quietly] They...uh...never did. But anyway, now it's a different time for the rest of the world; we're becomin' more open to each other and we're becomin' more accepting of things I couldn't have imagined being okay when I was growin' up. I'm talkin' about...being gay.

[Nervously, Piper laughs quietly to lighten the mood for herself]

Piper: Being gay, in my household and my family...was...unheard of. I'd like to say even forbidden. We're Christians and they said we can't be gay. I don't even know who the hell "they" is, but it was made sure of that I cannot be gay. It was even an insult I heard growin' up--and my, my, people thought it was a brutal word. Many of my classmates used to say it left n' right thinkin' that their dignities would be stripped for good! And frankly, because of the cruel world we live in, I thought bein' gay was weird, not normal, sinful even. 'Cause to everybody else it was, and I was predetermined to think the same.

[Piper suddenly starts smiling widely out of nowhere, and starts to chuckle, thinking fondly of the next thing she is about to say.]

Piper: Sorry! I get pretty damn giddy thinkin' about this part. I'm just...well I'll just tell you. So anyway, fast forward to present day. I brawled for the hell of it, just for fun. I thought I was straight but life didn't treat me very well.

[Piper suddenly remembers this aspect of her life and the mood shifts back to its original serious tone, but slightly more mellow.]

Piper: I got shit everyday. Sometimes just for breathin'. And it sucked for me. I didn't fit in because people were scared o' me. I was lonely, I was sad, I was...empty to the point where I thought disappearin' would be the answer. It wasn't great to be me at the time. There were such beautiful people havin' the time of their lives out in the battlefield--some o' them so madly in love with either each other or with life as a whole. And I was as jealous as a girl could be. I wanted that so darn badly that my anger built up too much to the point where I just shut everyone out. I also became too violent out in the battlefield and accidentally physically hurt too many people that didn't deserve a scratch. It began to all be too much.

[Piper then remembered the good part about her story, and she starts smiling brightly once again]

Piper: Anyway, this is what you’ve been waiting for, them little happy moments! It’s still a secret, sorta. But at least I can talk about it. So, um, I met this lovely lady in town one day, and I was feelin’ kinda hopeless so I went to talk to her about stuff, ‘cause I had no one. I thought I was a lil mad for just goin’ to some random stranger and ask ‘em about what I should do about my sad ol’ life. And to my surprise she read me like a book...with her cards! [laughs] It was crazy! She just clicked with me so fast, it was somethin’ I never felt before. You know, it made my heart race a lil.

[She laughs again, except more nervously]

Piper: I’m actually a little nervous right now talkin' about her 'cause it's so scary but, obviously what we have was more than what meets the eye! [She laughs nervously again, but then continues to smile] I'm so nervous talkin' about this because it was against everythin' I knew. It didn't feel right at all, but my feelin's couldn't take it anymore. I was already so restricted in my normal life and everythin' prior to it, I couldn't let this opportunity to be happy go. Again, I thought I was a fool tellin' er how I felt. I mean, what if she wasn't...you know?! But like I said my own happiness was on the line. All the signs added up, for some odd reason I was confident enough that my chances were high. Ah, haha...my mom always taught me to shoot my shot...ahh she might be a lil' disappointed at me though! Well anyway, that new lovely lady with a mask told me she felt the same, and at that moment I never felt more free in my life. I was so scared to my stomach, I was scared of rejection, not only from her but from the rest of the world. Even though it felt so wrong to do, the feeling afterward felt so right.

[Piper takes a short breath and takes a sip of water.]

Piper: Well, I've been ramblin' and ramblin' but I will say this last thing. Love can fix a lot of things--not everythin', but a lot. I still got my issues, life ain't gonna be dandy forever just 'cause I found my lover, but consider this: do things because of love, doesn't gotta be that icky, cheesy type o' love that I was talkin' to you about, but it could be your family, your friends, whoever or whatever, alright! I realized I brawl 'cause I hated myself, not 'cause I loved the adrenaline or the glory. I also realized that I denied this part of me for so long cause I was scared, and I hated feelin' more outcasted than I usually had. I'm still tryin' my best to set myself free, but it's a process that became a little better for me to handle. Just don't do things outta hate or outta fear, it ain't good for you, it ain't good for nobody.

[Piper's cell phone rings, once she finishes her sentence, she picks it up]

Piper: [on the phone] Hey love! How much did you earn today? [She smiles as the person on the other end speaks] That's good. I would be more than happy help you if you wanted, it's what I should do for you, but you keep on sayin' no! [Inaudibly, the person on the other end speaks as she laughs happily]

Piper: [on the phone] I'll come by later for sure! I don't exactly need a readin' though, I'd just love to talk normally. Did you want to...

[Piper uses her cursor to stop the recording before she could finish her question to the person on the other side of the line.]

...

And scene. I hope you enjoyed it! This was a long time coming but I'm so happy I was able to finish it!

#brawl stars #brawl stars piper #brawl stars tara #tiper #brawl stars headcanon #headcanon #brawl stars headcanons

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werevulvi · 5 years ago

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Writing this text led me to several important realisations, suddenly crying my heart out, and then feeling a lot better. So I felt it’s important to post. Also I’ve got a question towards the end, for anyone who knows how to use tumblr better than I do. Sudden internalised lesbophobia thought of today, me to myself: "Even if there was a cure for homosexuality, I would never want it..." "...wait... I said 'cure' didn't I?" "Oh, shit. Well if that ain't a freudian slip, I don't know what possibly could be."

That's... my doubled-sided coin in a nut shell. Trapped in one single sentence. I don't actually want for my sexuality to change, even if that was possible (which was what I thought I meant to say), cause I'm happier with other women than I could ever even imagine being with men let alone was, like really a hell of a lot happier with women and I want to nurture and savour that, and I live in one of the most pro-lgbt countries in the world... but I'm still struggling to view it in a fully healthy light. My dumb brain still whispers that it goes against nature, that it's somehow sick. Why do I care? Sitting by a computer obviously goes against nature too, and praying to Satan while wearing a hooded black robe in a dark candle lit room at midnight is often considered "sick" by some people too, and kinda for the same dumb reasons (meaning a harmless something that just goes against people’s personal beliefs), but apparently I have no moral quarrels with those sort of activities. But clearly my women-loving activities, whether romantic or sexual, keep grinding my gears.

Like... maybe that's also intrusive thoughts? Aside from my "regular" sexual intrusive thoughts, I mean. Cause really what else is up with those random "voices" whispering homophobic shit to me? Of course they're intrusive thoughts. I can't believe I didn't realise that before. I'm such an idiot! Oh well, better late than never, here we go again *pats my own shoulder*

However, I had a good conversation today with an acquaintance who might become a friend. He's a gay man, somewhere in his late 40's, very sweet, humble yet straight-forward and kinda blunt, and talks really a lot. He hosts "rainbow cafe" events in the only city on this small island around once or twice a month, which is casual gathering for lgbt people and allies. Sometimes, it's just me and him, because no one else attended. As was last evening, just he and I, and we ended up talking about everything from David Bowie to homophobia in muslim countries, and from to "Will and Grace" to his ex/on-off boyfriend and my girlfriend. I always love hearing him talk of his ex boyfriend. They seem worlds apart yet very understanding and caring of each other, and casually bickering like they've known each other forever. It's clear to me that they're still very good friends. It was perhaps a seemingly simple, just friendly conversation, but it felt so good. Like... just fucking finally having a normal conversation with another gay person about gay stuff irl. I don't know why but that makes me cry right now. Fuck, I just need to feel normal and not just be told that I'm normal. Cause there is a big difference. And during that conversation with him I felt normal. He didn't say it, not even once, but he made me feel normal by simply treating me as if I was. That's it... that clicked something within me. I don't cry often, so when I end up bawling like that... I KNOW it's important. Cause it only happens that I cry when a feeling is so strong I can't possibly bottle it. Instead it explodes. Now I feel a hell of a lot better... wow, that was cleansing! Also I finally managed to tell him about my detransition, which I had not been able to muster before, and then I've met him during those kind of cafe events some 5-10 times by now for a whole year. But now it was easy. I felt considerably more confident than ever, which made me far more conversational than I've been in a long time, and his reaction to that was... he seemed unphased.

Not shocked, not clenching his gut in discomfort at the thought of the horror I must be going through. He seemed to understand it's a difficult process, but didn't make a big deal out of it. In that sense too, he made me feel normal. It's not about me being normal, just feeling it. If even just for rare moments here and there. I've... never felt that way before. That's definitely worth crying over, and it's entirely connected to my internalised lesbophobia. Cause I think with my lesbian discovery, so soon after my detransition, it felt like insult to injury. Like I'll never be a normal woman at any point, no matter how far I detransition, cause I'll always be a lesbian woman. And I think that's the thorn that I didn't even know I had in my side, until it was forcibly pulled out. I no longer doubt I'm a lesbian. I haven't for the past few months. I haven't felt a single doubt about it since my girlfriend and I first got physical, and I mean it. I've felt and known sincere certainty about my sexuality ever since. Not just that I love her, and am very attracted to her, but that I just can't possibly feel that sorta thing towards any male. No man could ever make me wet by just kissing me, but she can. And I know why. It's as clear as the sun is bright. I think unfortunately though... the more sure I get that I really am a lesbian, through and through, the more scared of it I become. It's as if the more sure of it I become, the more inevitable it feels. Question is, why do I treat my homosexuality as some kind of inevitable doom? I read too much crap. No doubt that all the gut-wrenching homophobia that keeps popping up in my tumblr feed is getting to me, feeding my fantasies of corrective rape and drilling thoughts of it being "unnatural" and "wrong" into my already fragile and tormented skull. If only I could filter blog contents somehow without unfollowing or blocking anyone. Cause I want to read some 90% of the content of the radfem blogs I follow, but fuck it whenever I get face fucked with another post of absolutely vicious homophobia (especially when targetting lesbians specifically) I lose my ability to distance myself and I feel like utter and absolute shit. It sucks my ptsd-brain into a vacuum of impending darkness. I get (extra) vulgar when I'm upset. Sorry not sorry, it's a coping mechanism. Trust me, it lightens my mood, and that's the purpose of it.

Or in simpler language: I get a little triggered. Or like... badly triggered, but pushing it aside, pretending everything is fine and dandy, but my insides keep screaming and tossing about.

And I can't keep exposing myself to that, just hoping I'll get desensitised soon enough. I guess tumblr has some kind of function to filter out tags that I could try, but then you guys and gyns don't exactly always tag your shit. Sure it's good to expose homophobes' bigotry so more people will know about, absolutely. But I don't need any more exposure of that, thank you I've had enough. So oh well, oh well. Maybe I could create a second account for following blogs I know are crammed with such nasty shit I can't possibly avoid without making too big of a sacrifice, and keep my main blog clean from that, but means unfortunately unfollowing a lot. Which I don't wanna. Also I really don't have the spoons to create a second account and filter through all the 500 or so blogs that I follow. I just simply don't.

I don't fucking know. But that crap is really, really getting to me and I know I need to take some distance from all the horrid homophobia in the world, or at least a damn break from it. ~Cause I've got a feeling~ ~that it's stunting my healing~ I'm in such a strange mood tonight. My dark humour is coming to my defense. It's late, I need to sleep but I'm hyperactive due to being over-tired. Cause sometimes my brain just does the opposite to what it’s supposed to. It needs me to finish this first. But anyhows. If anyone's got any advice on how to avoid specific(-ally nasty) tumblr content without unfollowing (people who don't fucking tag their nasty posts), that'd be great. Desk top, not app, btw. I mean especially the endlessly big posts of more and more people adding cited quotes from TRA's such as "lesbians who don't like dick should be raped by girl dick, killed, gutted, turned into sex slaves, forcibly impregnated, yadda yadda" you know the drill. And oh it drills... If in any case a clarification was necessary.

#internalised lesbophobia #internalised homophobia #realisations #feeling normal #intrusive thoughts #lesbian #radfem #hyperactive due to being overtired

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meowlimia · 2 years ago

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TW ED vent

This isn’t an ed post necessarily. the first part of this post is a regular vent and the 2nd part is ed related business. trigger warning, i mention sxicide, food, ed related things, depression, etc. i dont plan on ever tagging my posts so this is probably the last big trigger warning i’ll put on my posts.

This is kind of a jumbled mess, i just typed exactly what i felt and what came to mind. i dont do in depth ed logs so if youre here for that this isnt it, i just cant be asked.

So like to get right into it. Me and my bestfriend have been having PROBLEMS. like bad ones. at least i think their bad, she thinks everything is dandy. She likes to do this funny girly thing where she finds a new person to date every few months and they become the absolute center of her world. despite, of course, us being bestfriends for 5 years. I’m not a jealous or possessive friend, I think that stuff is gross and makes me uncomfortable. but its annoying, some days she doesnt message at all, or leaves me on seen for almost an entire day. and when she DOES respond, its to tell me about all the fun theyve been having and how much shes missing him. which is great, im glad shes happy, he seems like the first genuinely good person shes dated. i just wish i didnt have to hear about it constantly, i wish my value as a friend didnt go to 0 everytime she finds a new person to obsess over. and of course, i always have to pick up the pieces and join in her snarking of her exes because they were definitely 100% of the problem (in all fairness, they were all really shitty).

The thing i find an issue with is like. she will NEVER stop talking about him. ben this ben that my god i dont even know ben why do i need to hear about him. i would understand if she need to vent or just wanted to talk about him a little, thats completely fine. but what im not okay with is day in day out talking ONLY about ben.

The only non-ben related thing we talk about is how awful shes feeling. sending me random pictures of her crying, talking about how she wants to kill herself, or her self harm, her bloody scratches. the worst part is she thinks its funny, and acts like shes not doing it to purposefully worry me. what do you want me to say? this is the 10th crying picture youve sent this week, this is the 10th time youve mentioned your self harm. i dont know what you expect me to do, i cant live in a perpetual state of worry and stress over how youre doing anymore. its exhausting. especially when she KNOWS how bad my ed is getting for me, how at this point im barely living for any reason other than purging and binging.

Yet of course, when i vent, i get the usual. “sorry bbg, not feeling up to reading/listening right now. love you” thanks! i genuinely do understand. thats why i tell her everytime what the voice message is, or what the hidden message is. i know shes struggling, but i am an awful person too. i do feel the need to vent to my closest friend, i do feel the need to vocalize what im going through. Either way, she gets upset when i delete it, because i felt guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed that i sent it in the first place.

I feel awful and guilty for it, but sometimes i feel like i truly hate her. I absolutely shouldnt feel this way, she is suffering greatly with her illnesses. I havent lived in her shoes, i dont know just how bad it is for her, i have no place to be upset at her for how shes feeling. But i still do. sometimes i just dont understand why shes being like this. She is on medication, she has a job she enjoys and doesnt pay rent/bills/anything, she has 4 people at anytime interested in her romantically, she makes friends within minutes of meeting people, she has a nice room with fun things shes bought or other people have gifted to her, she has a caring supportive boyfriend, she has great hair, she is genuinely beautiful inside and out and has a great personality. i just dont understand. its disgusting to say it and i know that, but i cant help it.

anyway thats my vent about my friend over. ed catch up time xx

things have been going well, in terms of losing weight/restricting/purging.

I’ve started to purge maybe 3-5 times a day? sometimes more in small amounts. something ive noticed is that i dont really binge often? usually i eat normal meals. like one packet of samyang ramen, fried eggs, and chamomile tea. its a small meal not calorie wise, one regular samyang pack is 530 calories, plus maybe 200 cals from the eggs, and maybe 100 for the oil i cook them in. the chamomile tea is 2 calories, plus maybe 20 with the tiny bit of honey i put in. its not a low calorie meal but its pretty small in portion size. either way, i’ll still purge something like that. i dont go on the kind of crazy binges ive heard a lot of people with eds do, like 3k or 6k meals. thats not from a sense of superiority, i just genuinely dont have access to enough food to do crazy binges like that

i think this is why i dont purge as much as i could be. sometimes a meal is so small i just cant be bothered to even try. like after some meals im just glued to my bed and wont get up for hours.

i was gonna add more to this, but truly i already feel sick thinking about it. i didnt think just writing about it would make my cravings kick in so bad.

either way, im going to keep going, till im pleased with my weight i guess. my psychologist recommended me to an eating disorder therapist. i hate the idea of recovery, but just having someone to talk to will be nice i guess. maybe it’ll hep me redirect the anger i feel towards my bestfriend for making me feel unheard. i hope it does. i truly love and care about her and i want to stop having these negative hateful thoughts.

#cw ed #cw vent #cw food

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persephone-damnedqueen · 7 years ago

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Mid Season Thoughts on the Winter Anime Season 2018:

*Checks the Date* Um . . . yeah, this is a bit over due. . . . “Persephone, it’s already halfway through Feburary and this is your first seasonal post!” *Clears Throat* Yeah, I’m sorry I couldn’t get out my first impressions this season. My laptop leapt for freedom and broke, and by the time I got a new one, it was already too late to do a first impression! Whoops.

Poputepipikku: Studio Kamekaze Douga

Dropped. The memes were too much for me to handle. In all honestly though, this show is unlike literally everything we’ve ever seen, so I’m not mad at that. Honestly, the only reason why I’ve dropped it is because the episode length is too long for my taste in this show. I feel like had this series been a 5 to 10 minute long show it would have been a killing and I would have loved the show, but it’s too much for me. Also, I would like to mention that I did also watch the first episode of the dub solely because Chris Sabat and Ian Sinclair were cast, and I have to say, there’s nothing quite like Vegeta and Space Dandy voicing 14 year old girls screaming at thunder. Quality shit right there, but moving on.

Ito Junji: Collection: Studio Deen:

Dropped, well sort of. Have I stopped watching it weekly? Yes, but if I hear an episode, or a part was good, I will go back and watch that. Since it is an episodic series, it’s easy enough to do that. Now, I love Ito Junji, despite not like horror series in general, but then again, try to find someone who knows about his work and doesn’t like him. With an author like this though, I feel like his work doesn’t really work in anime form, add that on the fact that I’m also not a big fan of Studio Deen. I still think that everyone should at least try a few episodes of this series out. (The first one should be skipped).

Kokkoku: Studio Geno

Dropped. This show got weird. . . Like too weird for my tastes. At first glance, I barely even know how to describe it because it’s just that random. All this series left me with was too many questions to care enough about the answers. Moving on. . . .

Beatless: Studio Diomedea

Dropped. For no other reason than it’s another generic, poorly exacuted series that I’ve seen a billion times. I will admit one thing with this series, main waifu-chan is pretty cute.

Karakai Jouzu no Tagaki-san: Shin-Ei Animations

Is it me, or is this season just a ton of episodic slice of life series? Or just episodic series in general this season? Not that I’m complaining mind you, it just seems like a ton. In any case, the skits in this series are just adorable in all the little romancey-first-love kind of ways. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a cute little romance.

Hakumei to Mikochi: Studio Lerche

You know me, anything with Lerche, and I’m all over it. Tiny little people living in the woods. What more do you honestly need? I love this show; this show leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy and fascinated with this world and just how it works. It’s got the perfect amounts of magical elements and the slice of life appeal without being over the top. The characters are interesting, and have unique designs and the background is clean and beautiful; honestly, it’s just an overall strong show this season. Also, it has weasel boss, and he’s just the greatest thing ever hahaha.

Killing Bites: LIDENFLIMS

This show is furry trash, but it’s trash I never knew I needed in my life until I got it. Every season I have one or two shows that are trash, but become my guilty pleasure trash, with summer season of last year it was My First Girlfriend is a Gal, last season it was My Marriage Partner is My Student, a Cocky Trouble Maker. This season it’s this. Killing Bites is just furry fanservice with some pretty epic fights, and quality characters like: Hitomi Honey Badger who don’t give a fuck, Fat Wolverine, Rape-y Vegeta, Shinpachi Gorilla, and Bland College Boy, (Go on, watch this show and tell me that is not accurate). If you go into this show with the absolute lowest of low expectations, I promise you, you’ll have a good time.

Koi wa Ameagari no You ni: Studio Wit

Is it cute, or is it creepy? That is the main question. So far, I’m leaning more to the cute side. Now, usually age differences don’t tend to bother me too much; I mean my husband is nine years older than me, but in this case, the age difference is MASSIVE. Yes, it’s fiction, but depending on how this story goes, it could definitely change to creepy in a matter of minutes, so I’m praying it doesn’t go to that. My other main issue so far with this series is the art. I know this studio can do better, so why does this just miss the mark on all parts? The characters look too rough, and the background is flat and pretty generic and the color pallet is just blah. I know you can do better Wit, so I’m going to give you a pass right now, but get it together please. Ugh, here’s to seeing where it goes from here.

Citrus: Studio Passione

Okay, I need to clear things up for everyone. This is not Yuri-Bait. It’s based off of a hardcore Yuri manga. Now that that’s out of the way, I have to say, it’s good. You can tell this studio is actually caring about how they animate this story which is wonderful, especially after how badly Netsuzou TRap was done. Obviously, I’m going to keep watching this one and praying it keeps it up.

Violet Evergarden: Kyoto Animations

I love you KyoAni. My god this is pretty. Nothing short of beautiful from KyoAni, but this is like especially pretty. I think it’s obvious, or at least well established by now, but I’m a sucker for a drama tag. I’m all about that depressing back story or heavy character drama, but with this series, I feel like it’s not your traditional drama. It’s more of a Slice of Life, episodic drama, which in no way is a bad thing. Is it anime of the season? Ehh? It’s good, but It’s too early to see if it’s AoS, especially with things like Devilman Crybaby, which is going to be VERY hard to beat. Also, side note, but Fuck You Netflix for releasing it everywhere except the United States, making us wait until Spring.

Darling in the FranXX: Studios Trigger and A-1 Pictures

My Dudes. Bros. Lady Bros. This show is a gift. Now, I must say, this series is one of the best this season. . . which is saying a bit. . . I mean taking out all of the sequels of course, but the problem I’m seeing is literally just the same A-1 problem. . . .generic characters, bland main lead, and slow pacing. I feel like had this series been just solely Trigger, everyone would be all over this show. I mean hello, no one can hate Trigger, it’s scientifically impossible. Oh well, I’m going to keep watching this regardless. Also, I’d like to take a moment to introduce you all to Best Girl Winter 2k18.

You’re welcome. I’ll be starting a religion soon dedicated to best girl. Keep your eye out for that.

Devilman: Crybaby: Studio Science SARU

Who is the real hero in this series: Ryo or Akira? Neither, it’s the rappers. They were the true heroes of the series. So why is everyone talking about this series? Because it’s fucking Fantastic. Netflix actually did something amazing here. Is it anime of the season like everyone is saying? Absolutely. Anime of the Year? Probably. I’m going to be frank here. This series is going to be hard to beat. The soundtrack alone is fucking perfection. Every single beat from the fight scene tracks to the beautiful song that plays in that one particular scene in episode nine, to the rapping exposition. It’s fucking perfection. The art style is fucking amazing. The art is simple and basic that fits so well with the show and is so beautifully executed that had it been any other series it would have failed completely. My gods it’s like crack for your eyes or something. This series is so fucking dark, but at the same time so raw, but that much needed rawness is part of what makes the series that much better. It doesn’t censor anything, unlike anything created in this day and age. But what solidified this series for me and what made this series so intense and real and a “fuck, I need to binge immediately,” was what happened in episode 8. Without spoiling too much, there’s a particular scene in episode eight with the brother, father and mother that made me actually break down. It was a very powerful scene that honestly, I was not expecting in the least, and made me honestly feel like there really was no boundary they weren’t going to cross. That powerful breakdown with the father was fucking heartbreaking, and as a parent, I understood and felt every ounce of his pain in his internal debate. It was just absolutely powerful and without a doubt my favorite scene in the series just for that struggle alone. Then episode nine happens, and that character death scene gets handled almost as well as the episode prior, only to lead into that plot twist and ending in episode ten. It made me realize just how much of a tragedy this story is, but also just how symbolic. The amount of symbolism in this series and the way it’s handled, really just proves how just fantastic and ahead this story was. Honestly though, I could, and probably will, write a separate post on just how much I loved this series, but please watch it. It is very dark, and very graphic, both with violence and nudity, but well worth it.

CardCaptor Sakura: Clear Card-hen: Studio Madhouse

Nostalgia. That’s what this series is. You forget how much you love a series until they make a sequel. This was my childhood, alongside Sailor Moon, and truly solidified my love for Magical Girl Series. How does this season stack up to the original? While the original one will always hold that special place in my heart, I feel like this one can be just as good, and so far able to stack up nicely with it. Also, I have never shipped Sakura and Syaoran harder than I do right now. Gods, they are adorable.

Gintama: Shirogane no Tamashii-hen: Bandai Namco Pictures

Guys, the end is really here. 300+ episodes, and it’s unfortunately coming to an end, and this arc actually feels like an all out final war, unlike so many shounens out there. It breaks my heart that it’s coming to an end, but my gods this season is bad-fucking-ass. Like Gintama, you’re picking a hell of a way to go out, but I think what my favorite part is seeing everyone, even minor characters from filler arcs, or 200 episodes back, coming to join in this war. Take notes other shounen series, *cough, cough, Fairy Tail, cough, cough* this is how you do a full on war.

Saiki Kusuo no Psi-Nan 2: Studios J.C. Staff and Eggfirm

Is anyone surprised that I’m watching this? No? That’s what I thought. I love this show. It’s fun, and I’m a sucker for self aware comedy series like this. Add on the fact that Saiki is voiced by Araragi, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’d watch it. How’s season two going? Well it is weird seeing it as full length episodes vs the five/six minutes skits it was last season, the way it’s done is actually surprisingly well. It’s just as funny, if not funnier than the first. I may just be biased though since I love the voice acting.

Osomatsu-san 2nd Season: Studio Pierrot

Osomatsu-san. . . .Wow. . .

Had you asked me before episode 18 came out, I would have told you this series was just mindless fun you needed in your life. . . Then episode 18 aired. My god, that was a fucking beautiful episode. MY FUCKING GOD THAT WAS A HEARTBREAKING EPISODE. Are we certain that was the same series? The Same Studio?? Yes, I want to spend the entire length of my thoughts, going on about one episode. Fuck, that episode was amazing, and is obviously my favorite from either season. Even if you don’t like the show, watch that episode and enjoy the feels. That is all.

San-Gatsu no Lion 2nd Season: Studio Shaft

I believe I’ve said this almost every time I talk about this series, but I still stand by it, this series is nothing short of a masterpiece. It’s phenomenal, and every week I bawl my eyes out, either from pure sadness or pure joy, but that’s okay. It’s worth every tear. This series is one of the few shows that can deal with these topics, like bullying, or depression, or moving past, and portray it in such a real and often times breathtakingly, accurate way. Literally words can not even begin to give justice to this show, just please go watch it.

Mahoutsukai no Yome: Studio Wit

Dropped. For good this time. The fandom is getting toxic. It’s not worth it. That is all.

Black Clover: Studio Pierrot

Dropped. Meh, I’ve lost interest pretending to care about the adaptation. I have the first ten volumes, I’ll just stick to reading it.

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letstiktalk · 4 years ago

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Drivers License Tiktok

HELLO, and welcome to the new year everybody! Does this year feel any different?!? NO!! WELL why is that?!? Because white supremacist have ALREADY stormed the capitol??:DDDDD and what did Gen Z do in response???? Well obviously we made a bunch of funny tiktoks to cope with the fact our government is failing and we can’t REALLY do much about it <3 SO ya I will be getting into that but I also need to mention a new song has taken tiktok over COMPLETELY. There is just A LOT to unpack today so for that reason there will be no tiktok terminology in this blog ;( I know, I know its a big loss but don’t worry it will be back next month.

Anyways, lets get into this whole Drivers License tiktok situation. Now I bet you are thinking “Jess I got my license … I don’t need this”. And you would be right to have that opinion, HOWEVER, this is not about the people that give you hacks on how to get your drivers license(although that side of tiktok does exist and they are surprisingly helpful), it’s about the new song that Olivia Rodrigo(a 17 year old girl and star of High School Musical the Musical the Series aka HMTMTS) dropped last week. I would Highly recommend you listen to it.

Here it is all linked for everyone's convenience

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmDBbnmKpqQ

SO FOR STARTERS girly is a DISNEY STAR and she straight up dropped the F bomb... which like period go off but like I didn't even know that was ALLOWED for Disney stars. Other than that Olivia Rodrigo is 17... LIKE WHAT... people on tiktok are comparing her to Taylor Swift and Lorde. Taylor Swift even commented on Olivia’s post saying she was proud of her for topping the charts. OH WHICH BY THE WAY she has been at the very top of the iTunes charts since the song came out. She has beat Ariana Grande’s “Thank you Next” for biggest single day streams of a song by a female artist. She beat ARIANA GRANDE... I’m not very into pop music but I must say that is a big achievement because “Thank you Next” has been big for quite some time. Not to mention this is only Olivia’s second song released(The first song she released was called “All I want” and she wrote it for HMTMTS), so it’s safe to say we can expect big things form her.

Now you may be thinking “Jess this is nothing new... a good song takes over tiktok every week”... well yes but this one is different because people aren't only talking about the song but also who the song is about.(now if you are going to act like teen drama isn't interesting then I guess skip this paragraph lol) Basically Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett play love interests in HMTMTS and usually I am against speculating relationships between the cast members because it ruins friendships and all that jazz, but this this is just too much to ignore. So first things first Joshua Bassett is also a songwriter, and he wrote a song that people think was about Olivia since he posted Instagram stories singing it when they were in the middle of shooting for their show. The song was basically about how he would find a way to date this unavailable girl and at the time Olivia was dating her former costar from another Disney show, Ethan Wacker(which people speculated that the song could have been about Ethan but then he responded to it by saying “it’s not about me I treated her well” LMAOOOOO). Then a short time after Olivia and Ethan broke things off, Olivia posted a clip of a love song on her insta story called “I like you so much it’s kinda gross” about a boy who had brown hair, brown eyes and was her best friend yada yada, which people realized was definitely about Joshua because she described him as her “guy best friend” in many interviews, and he fit the description in the song perfectly. Then Olivia posted a video where she talked about how her and Joshua would drive around together a lot and how Joshua was helping her get her drivers license(which basically just proved completely that the song was about him). THE final piece of this puzzle is that recently Joshua had started dating Sabrina Carpenter who is the star of a show called “girl meets world”(a spin off of “Boy Meets World”) She is 21 years old and has Blonde hair.... Olivia Rodrigo is 17... are we seeing the connection here... cause like remember in the song... when she said... “your probably with that blonde girl”... and “she’s so much older than me”.... so um ya not so subtle there. ANYWAYS... I think this is all fine and dandy but honestly the drama here does not seem genuine. This seems like such a big publicity stunt for the show especially because Joshua Bassett posted the song on his story and said he was proud of Olivia AND also they are both currently shooting another season of HSMTMTS so like... if this was real I don’t think this song would have came out. They can’t ACTUALLY allow bad blood between the two main love interests of the show. SO ya if you got through this ~CHONKAY~ paragraph then you get extra coolguy points AND you get to be in the loop for one of the big love scandals of my generation(you can say this is like the Salena and Justin of Gen Z).

SO with that being said here are some tiktoks from Drivers License tiktok

https://www.tiktok.com/@nickolas_ray/video/6916957022512532742?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@graysworld/video/6916678935312862470?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@hehehe.44/video/6916718955667180805?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@arianapodcast/video/6916935174391336197?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@gabesco/video/6916687885177588997?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@tiktokdailyseries/video/6916692432167963910?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@_juliannnabartolom_/video/6916070775309044998?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@huttonalanna/video/6916740435943623941?lang=eno

So now moving onto a more serious topic ✨ the capitol riots ✨. I HONESTLY think that this really pushed everyone over the edge... like did we not all say Jumanji when 2021 hit???WHAT ARE WE MISSING HERE? This was just not the way to start the year, and clearly everyone on tiktok is over it as well. Since this occurrence I have realized two groups have formed on the app: the informers, and the jokers. EACH IS ESSENTIAL to the wellbeing of everyone because the informers are there to bum us out, tell us the facts and make us realize how much we want to move to Canada, WHILE the Jokers are also gonna make us want to move to Canada but they deliver THEIR info with some sparkle so we can cope :D

Don't get me wrong there is also a small population of Trump supporters on tiktok that are defending the riots, but it doesn’t take too long for the leftist on the app to debunk their info and make them delete their comments, posts, ect.

So with that being said these are some videos that show how tiktok is dealing with this whole mess.(I put them into categories)

These are the ones that are making fun of congress for not passing stricter laws..(they say things like oh well turn off the lights and crouch in a corner luv they will prolly pass by ur room ;D)

https://www.tiktok.com/@gadonkoze/video/6914874384956132614?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@angelaholmessss/video/6914837439588617478?lang=en

These are the ones that are basically making fun of the way the capitol was protected(they are videos of who could have protected the capitol better)

https://www.tiktok.com/@ji_jio2/video/6915048910016859398?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@joseph.muhl/video/6914839711735368965?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@revildo/video/6915464202643590405?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@sylviasloss4/video/6915928007379045637?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@will.manchester22/video/6915590435939355909?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@gorillagripk00ch/video/6916033116616396038?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@gorillagripjuulpod/video/6916241462950694150?lang=en

These are just random joke videos about the event

https://www.tiktok.com/@christiaan.long/video/6914779075533933830?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@horse.shoe.trash/video/6914764321390202118?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@satansperiod/video/6914746236151041286?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@sophat69/video/6914742515623152901?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@pritaykitayy/video/6914793110195293446?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@ienjoyanalsex/video/6915167310302973190?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@deannyberg/video/6914837106976148742?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@emily.jpg/video/6914812548026043654?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@svgar.whxre/video/6914783347688475909?lang=en

These are videos where the people could have spoken any language but decided to speak F A C T S

https://www.tiktok.com/@sewpheeyuh/video/6914741277644868869?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@sewpheeyuh/video/6914811268192931078?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@bmoo9472/video/6907784032344427782?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@marismab/video/6915154344761494789?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alluringskull/video/6915185330215734534?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@joshhelfgott/video/6915131644353498374?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@cbsnews/video/6915143783692733701?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@avi.greene/video/6914803519962877190?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@joshhelfgott/video/6914769291200023814?lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@alluringskull/video/6914794863879851270?lang=en

OK SO that’s all I have for today. I’m sorry there wasn’t much variety but these are basically the only two things that have been running tiktok recently.

Until next month :) where future me will hopefully not want to exit this country.

PHOTO CREDS https://www.albumoftheyear.org/album/322966-olivia-rodrigo-drivers-license.php

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-55582166

#Atleastdonaldtrumpisnotgoingtobepresident

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kandjimagines-blog · 7 years ago

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i thought different // (j.c imagine)

Anonymous said: jc imagine where a while ago he had told u that he had feelings for u and u said u did too, but one day u freak out and sleep w someone else and he finds out?? make me cry this doesnt have 2 have a happy ending

watch out for ur daily angst fix, hella angsty, lots of swearing //

When he told me he loved me, I said I love you too, I saw his eyes in a new way, the darkest brown became the goldest eyes I’ve ever seen. He kissed me that day, he told me we should go out for dinner, or just hang out around the house. I’m drunk at a party, typing something to him, I think I’m drunk because the idea freaks me out, it freaks me out how much he loves me, how he texts me good morning and good night, saying he’ll wait up for me to get home if I want to. I text him, telling him to go bed, telling him I’ll be late going home. I’m on somebody else’s lap, the boy pulls my face down to his, kissing me, both of us are so wasted, he stands, pulling me through the house party to the guest room, the both of us shedding clothes before we can even shut the door.

Three weeks passed, I’m hanging out with Jc when both our phones buzz at the same time, somebody tagging us in a post. I see the twitter handle and I nearly scream, I open instagram and I see it, “@ jccaylen I hope you don’t mind that your new girl got my stamp of approval first.” he tagged me too, he fucking tagged me in a photo of me and him, a photo of us from the party, me on his lap, Jc stands up, towering over me, “What the fuck is that?” I open my mouth to defend myself but I just can’t speak, Jc looks at me with such anger, “What the fuck is that? Why the fuck is this guy-” “Jc it was a mistake!” “I can’t believe this, you legit wasted my fucking time and you were seeing people on the side!” “I slept with him like, three weeks ago..” “Oh, dandy, so you’ve been hiding it from me for three weeks??? Cool!!” “Jc-” “I think you should go.” “Huh?” “I think you should leave.” I slowly stand up and Jc gestures to the door, hardly looking at me, “Leave.” “Jc can we-” “Nah, there’s no we anymore dude, like, I thought you were down for me and only me, I thought you liked me, I thought you were loyal, like, all you do is bitch about how LA dudes arent loyal but you pull this shit!” I can’t argue with him, I slowly walk away and he yells after me, telling me to just fuck off, leave him alone, and go sit on someone else’s lap, go take up someone else’s time. I leave the house, running into Fran in the driveway and I can’t even look at her as I run all the way home.

It’s been two weeks of Jc indirecting me on twitter, posting photos on Insta with snakes on his arm and captioning it, “You know who you are.” and god, it feels awful. Nobody in that house will talk to me, nobody will answer my texts, I’m pretty sure Fran and Kian blocked me, but I sometimes see Bobby like my tweet. I feel my entire world crumbling and I text Jc again, randomly one night and I say, “I’ve still got your hoodie at my house, I can drop it off if you’d like.” he responds, “don’t bother, keep it, u can gift it to ur next dude.” Ouch, but well deserved and one night I’m crying when Jc calls me, the music in the background is loud, he’s yelling, “YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SLEEP WITH RANDOM PEOPLE, I’M SO SORRY I WASTED THREE MONTHS OF MY LIFE CATCHING FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU.” He’s drunk, I start to sob, my whole body shaking and I hear him yelling again but I hang up the phone, I can’t bear to listen to what I already know. I fucked up, I fucked up worse than most. I can’t even bring myself to go on social media anymore, because all I ever see is messages of Jc’s fans telling me I’m trashy, that I should kill myself, that I’m a whore, all of that and then some. I guess they’re right. They’re probably right.

#jc caylen #jc caylen imagines #jc caylen imagine #kian and jc #knj #imagines #imagines blog #imagines account #kian lawley #bobby mares #harrison webb

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missbbjean · 7 years ago

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Dear You

You said you liked me, you would constantly say it at the most random of times or that you missed me a girl you have never meant before and how could you possible miss me? but then you explained that you missed hearing my voice, it was relaxing to hear and being able to talk to someone tell them about your day and what bothered you and having that someone not reinsure you of anything but just be there to listen with no judgment. I felt so happy like an idiot for being able to hear that and for being that person for you to talk to but you were also that person for me. For 2 years we talked one year over the comment section of each others pictures on IG and here and there over the DMs of IG then in early 2016 we talked almost everyday over the DMs on IG and then in late February you gave me your number we talked from then on texting and calling. Somewhere around March you already said you wanted to meet but i told you how impossible that was giving the distance between us but in December last year you brought up buying my plane ticket i told you how bad id feel about that because i know it wouldnt be cheap, you didnt bring it up again after that till sometime of this year in February and i wanted to meet you so bad that i agreed to it. So we planed for March but as time got closer for me to go to where you are there was still no message about a plane ticket i grew worried and upset and you never answered my calls or texts. It was the day i was supposed to go down there and nothing nothing from you i cried to my mom for hours so upset, 23 day pass its april now and i get a DM from you over IG like you couldnt really text or call you had to DM over IG like wtf but we talked about it and i shouldve brought up my concerns and what bothered me but i didnt because i didn want to fight i didnt want to argue and like you said "its not like we're together so who am i to say whats you can and cant do" you said you liked me and that you wouldnt mind pursuing more but not with out some sort of proof that i was interested in just you and not multiple people, my proof was facing my biggest fear just for you but i guess that wasn’t proof enough and everything before or after wasn’t either. you then said "again were not together but i dont think youre that interested in me if youre openly giving everyone the same attention " but we talked some more and we had things figures out but i shouldve brought up the fact that you were doing the same giving the same open attention to many other girls, i on the other was not giving that attention like you said i was it was just some 19yr old that left comments on my pictures and my only responses back were ever " thank you, lol, okay or hahah" but yours on girls pictures were stupid kissy heart eye emojis and comments like "damn girl look at you, so beautiful, so pretty, hot" and the list goes on but i bit my tongue because like you said we weren't together and i didnt want to seem i dont know possessive, i know now i shouldve spoke up. but you called the next day asking if we could start where we left off of and i asked with us talking or me coming down there and you said with me coming down there and that same night you bought the plane ticket and everything, there really was no going back and i was so excited that i couldnt sleep at all. I thought finally im going to meet this guy whos been nothing but nice and sweet to me, who ive had nothing but great conversations with where i could just be 100% me. but throughout all of april you still continued with commenting things on other girls pictures again i didnt want to start a fight before i came down there and i had planed to say something well i was there but i didnt want to start something because well id have no wheres to go and lord knows i have anger issues. We spend 4 days together i became sure that yeah i really like this person and maybe even love a little. but when i came home everything fell apart. 2 days go bye and i dont hear from you not even a single text but yet you're on social media multiple times throughout the day and commenting dumb shit AGAIN on girls pictures. we talk on saturday and i bring it up finally and you ask why it was an issue with the 19 yr old commenting what he did on my pictures and you said well its obvious and i said no tell me and you asked why and i said tell me why it was an issue and you said well because I LIKE YOU. so i said if you like me so much why are you commenting dumb shit on girls pictures over IG and you asked "who like you really dont know and i dont remember usernames and your excuse was "well the reason i was asking who is because its probably a client"and i asked "really come on now" and you continue with "well its my job their my client its my job to make them feel pretty or beautiful"like yeah thats youre job when their in you chair not for you to do over social media and like really is it normal for you to comment on your clients half naked pictures?? come on now get real. we end the conversation that night with you saying that wed talk about it more but we never did. sunday goes bye and monday comes around i didnt hear from you but sometime during the day you unfollow me and i get confused more than ever. here you are or were telling me you like me and everything fly me down there to meet you spend that time together and for what what reason, what was the point! days go by i dont hear from you Thursday I tell you we need to talk something serious and you tried to make me feel stupid for it but you never called and you ignored my call we dont talk till Friday when i see you liking a whole bunch of these girls pictures on IG and i mean pictures from early 2016 and late 2015 like duuuude really and then i see theres a recent post from her and just so happened that in the video shes spinning around in a chair and i notice the background, its your room and then you walked in. I call you that night pissed off and you start off with a "hey!" like every things fine and dandy and continue to say "yeah sorry i havent talked to you in a while theres been a lot going on with work i ve been really busy and i could even lose my job" and i was like "oh so busy that yet you had time to be home during the day with a girl in your room" and again you go "well who" like as if you dont know just how many girls have you had over in your room since damn man. so i tell you the usuername because well this time i remembered it and you go "well let me look that up right now" like ohhhhhh COME ON! you know exactly who stop playing dumb and then you say "well we have mutual friends in common" i told you ones that havent ment her in person dont count and so you say "well my parents were home nothing happened" i told you i was there and your parents were home and shit happened so dont give me that and then its :well if it bothers you so much ill stop talking to her" i told you im not the kind of person who tells you who you can and can not talk to but it should be common sense of what your doing is going to bother me or piss me off because here you are or were telling me you like me and everything had me come down there and you sleep with me and all that and yet here you are doing this like really?!?! you say we'll talk about it but again we dont and im just left with more questions and im more upset and you clearly knew that you just didnt and dont care. Sunday i call and call and call because we have something to discuss we talk about it as much as we can and theres nothing that can be done about it that was clearly established. So again i bring up the other issues hoping to get those cleared up more and i ask what was the point of all this and where do i stand now but all you have to say is "well i just got home and i need to go inside ill talk to you more about this" an all i can say is "and then this happens, do you really get everything i just said do you understand" you said yes and i asked really because it seems like it just went right over your head and you said it didnt that we would talk about it. but guess what we never did and i never heard from you again. its been 2 months now since you ruined me and turned my world upside down. and im now wondering just how many other girls have you done this to, how sincere were you with all you said tome, did you even really like me or was i nothing more than a 4 day fuck?..you used me. and yet i cant forget any of it, i wish i could be like you and just forget it all and forget a person like they dont exist as if it never happened. but i cant and it hurts so much to know that i cant erase you from me or my memory and i just want to go back and never agree to it to meeting you not if i knew id end up hurt again after so many years of keeping myself shut up from the world of dating or feelings and i thought i could let down my guard and allow myself to fall again and to think that a guy i told all that to that knew of how i was treated before and everything to a guy who treated me like no other who took me on my first date and i know i shouldve listened to my family i shouldve seen the signs but i thought it would all be okay but i didnt just get a life lesson or burned in the "world of love" i got something far worse. and you continue on like every things fine...im upset with me and im most of all upset with how you handled this. you thought by ignoring or avoiding me that it will go away but it wont and youve only made it worse. I just dont understand why you couldnt be the adult that you so claim to be or to be a man and just fucking be vocal about things like i told you from the very start, why couldnt you just say something like "hey you know it was great meeting you but i dont like you like i thought i did" or something, you think by ignoring or avoiding someone and playing victim that people will get the hint or that it will solve everything but it wont and it doesnt it just makes you a coward and childish. and i cant believe that after everything youve done and put me through with how youve treated me that theres a part of me that still likes you when i should hate you with everything i am but unfortunately it takes more effort to hate then it does to like and you cant just go to hating someone with the snap of your finger it unfortunately doesnt work like that...trust me ive tried.

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