#sorry for the essay i CANNOT help myself

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[cringefailfagcat]

the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for

[eastwindmlk]

A @jilymicrofics for the prompt Retire, Jan 14th

Word count: 838

It was strange, after more than half a century, to be cleaning up her office for the final time. To carefully wrap her trusty tea set in yesterday’s Prophet, sift through the boxes of paperwork in search of what to archive, what to keep and what to finally bin. 

As she sorted through an assortment of old assignments and Christmas cards from a bygone age, Minerva finds herself reminiscing. Once familiar faces and voices curled from the depths of her mind, a fond smile on her face. 

The corners of her lips trembled like her aged hands when her fingers brushed along a script that gave her pause. Because even after all these years, all these hundreds of students, she could still tell whose penmanship this was. 

The large letters crammed onto the parchment, like he knew he was going to run out of space for his sweeping t’s and large loops. The words slanting upwards as if wanting to escape from the paper. 

She did not doubt that, at the time, that was precisely what he’d had on his mind, while stuck doing a detention assignment for her. It was supposed to be an essay, but in true James Potter fashion, he’d ignored the explicit instruction and instead composed a letter. 

Dearest Minerva, 

As we sit across from each other in your office, a pot of lapsang souchong between us, I am aware you are pretending to be cross with me. For the sake of posterity, I will pretend with you. Though we both know that they deserved every miserable second. 

In the future, however, I will strive for a more creative solution. Even if I think turning their belts into snakes was quite a nifty piece of transfiguration. I will let you be the judge of that. Being the expert and all that. 

Speaking of the future, I am supposed to write an essay about where I see myself next year. Which I could have answered effortlessly a fortnight ago. But things changed. Every paper is full of it now. And I refuse to sit idle just because I happened to have been born into a family that fits into their narrow view of our world. 

One year from now, I will be as restless as ever. Using the privilege that comes with my name to help those who cannot help themselves. However, unlike before, I will not humour myself with the delusion that this can be achieved by mere words. 

I will gladly put my wand with my conviction and face whatever is in store beyond the safety of these walls. Together with my friends, we will make a difference. 

My friends and I are talking about getting a place together, somewhere nice and lively. We were hoping to travel, see some of the world. Those plans are on hold, at least for now. Though none of us will say it aloud, we hope that the four of us will be around for it.

So, we spend evenings talking about this trip, imagining places to go and things to do in the hopes that the four of us will get to go.

Hopefully, I will be dating Lily Evans. (Please don’t tell her I said that.) I think she is finally coming round to me. She no longer glares in my direction, though I can still feel her eyes on me sometimes.

Maybe I am crazy, but I can tell it is her just from the way it feels. Her watching me is special somehow. Often I itch to turn to her, to catch her looking. To catch a glimpse of her smile or her fluster. Just the fraction of a moment where I can believe she might actually feel the same way. 

Or maybe not the same way. I would not wish this complete and utter agony on her. If she does come to fall for me, I hope she falls softer. I hope that I am not too blind to see and catch her before the rough landing. 

That is only if I will ever be lucky enough to be enough for her. To have grown into a person, she can depend on rather than the childish prick (I am so sorry, did not mean to curse.) I used to be. 

I am afraid I am running out of space. I could fill several more rolls of parchment (Which is not me asking for more) with hopes and wishes for the year ahead. Some more achievable (Pass my N.E.W.T. s) and some more hopeful (Snog Lily Evans. Again, please don’t tell her I wrote any of this.)

Your favourite student, 

James Potter 

Her fingers crumpled the paper where she gripped it tight, a lump rising in her throat. Her eyes scanned the content of the letter once more before pressing it briefly to her heart before placing it atop her pile of keepsakes. 

Minerva pushed herself to her feet, in dire need of a break and craving a cup of lapsang souchong. 

[sarahreesbrennan]

sorry if you have already answered this, but are we getting any queer rep in Long Live Evil? 💕 i am super excited to see what you've cooked up for us either way!

I came back after I'd gone off on one, seeing the post had struck a chord and being thankful but fearful of my inbox. Let me say with delighted surprise that all the asks are very kind.

Thank you for this one, sweet anon. I am so excited and so nervous about my best beloved, Long Live Evil, and about coming back with a new book of my own after so long, when I believed for a long time it was hopeless.

I'm really grateful to find readers waiting for me. But I know readers are naturally more invested in characters they know: I extremely appreciate you taking an interest in the future.

So, short answer: YEAH you are!

Long answer: Long Live Evil wouldn't exist without its queer narratives.

C.S. Pacat and I were talking in our virtual Brookline Booksmith event recently about our favourite Disney villains. C.S. Pacat picked Maleficent, a fine choice. I picked Snow White's Evil Queen. We agreed we loved most of them.

Here's the relevant excerpt I was quoting in my last post from Carmen Maria Machado's In The Dream House, saying 'I think a lot about queer villains, the problem and pleasure and audacity of them.' Well... me too.

I think many of us have experienced feeling made wrong in some way - for not wanting what society said we should or being what we were expected to be - and that one step along that journey of discovery is going 'Okay, if it's wicked, I'll just BE wicked.' And that's part of why those characters appeal - because they seem free, and free of pain.

But modern storytelling isn't confined to coding, and audiences can now feel free to expect, not the certainty, but the possibility characters who aren't introduced as such still might actually turn out to be LGBT+. The essays I've read about Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Sherlock, Ted Lasso, Fox 9-1-1... I think the latest argued Jaime Lannister was bisexual. (Pretty persuasive.)

I remember reading the Raven Cycle going 'oh? OH.' I remember being at a writing retreat in 2013 and running through the halls screaming about Nico diAngelo. Ten years later we got a Nico diAngelo book co-written by Rick Riordan and the amazing Mark Oshiro. I watched Red, White and Royal Blue with a friend and she said 'honestly I hope the guys get together, but...' and I (having read the book) silenced myself with a herculean effort and watched her hopes come true. I didn't know about The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and almost dropped the book in a swimming pool. But I've also read and watched many things thinking, just maybe... oh, no. Still that hope existing is meaningful, the thought that if the story had gone differently, if this revelation had happened, if this realisation had happened, if, if, if...

Long Live Evil is a story about the story going differently and asking yourself questions about your own nature, and the escape to fiction of those who really need escape. The book is based on that 'if,' and the 'if' itself is joyous, and brings me back to the idea of gleefully transgressing the narrative that much villain love is based on.

It's also an ensemble story with a rogue's gallery of characters and multiple PoVs. (I was much inspired by the Six of Crows ensemble.) So it isn't about any one character's romance, and by the book's nature there exist many possibilities. A critique partner read and said 'I didn't know you were going THERE' and I responded 'Should I?'

I've never been one to confirm where stories are going, and I won't do so now. I'm not talking about any one character or telling you a direction.

I'm just saying yes to rep. It's baked in.

[not-poignant]

Sorry this is so long I literally cannot help myself:

I’ve been a reader on ao3 for a long time. This year, for the sake of giving my brain something new and in order to be a mysterious hottie on the metro, I’ve challenged myself to read some published books. It has been a really fun and very interesting experience. I could write essays of personal and literary reflections.

But, favorite author mine, one difference I did not expect, and in hindsight it should have been obvious, was the vast, essentially ideological difference in what is called smut.

I started reading the Court of Thorns and Roses series and it’s good, I’m having a good time. But the thing is, everyone calls it faerie smut. And I guess it must be. When I heard faerie smut and decided to give the series a try, my faerie smut background came from ao3, namely fae tales and the ice plague.

“With each thrust I felt his love and saw the stars” really has nothing on “my entire family burnt and now my lover has his hands in my mouth and up my ass while he heats me up so thoroughly I’m basically delirious and then our sex mentor wine aunt was hungry and told me I was doing good while he drank my blood and his lover who is also the king casually reads nearby likely with bits of flesh stripped off him as an act of sacrificial love.”

The thing is, the sex scenes I’ve read in Sarah J. Maas’s series don’t really… do much. Regardless of crazy scenario, essentially every of the many erotic scenes in the fae tales verse either moves the plot forward, is essential to character development, or showcases emotional intimacy. (Which, tangent, is why you’re more recent works that generally showcase way less sexual content still feel so similar because the plot is still moving forward, characters are still developing, and the emotional intimacy is still so delectable.)

So anyway, reading book books has been really nice and a surprisingly reflective experience. I kinda forgot how little is considered scandalous by so many.

(And also, compared to ao3 which I usually read on my phone, it’s very difficult to read physical books while horizontal. Another plus for ebooks?)

Hi hi anon!

I'm glad you're enjoying the experience of reading 'book' books! :D I've heard many good things, and while I'm not likely to read it (I don't read cishet m/f if I'm not being forced to), I think it's awesome that it's going so viral and getting lots of folks into fantasy :D

As for the ACOTAR sex scenes, I haven't read them, but I feel like they fall into a certain kind of spicy sex scene being written right now that falls under 'explicit' for readers not used to seeing this stuff in fantasy, but absolutely kind of doesn't for people used to reading smut on AO3.

I find for myself, I can't handle these kinds of sex scenes because they're often over in like one or two pages and they feel very empty to me. They're not empty to many readers and I'm not trying to say they're empty overall, I just need a lot more emotionality, meatiness, and often character-based stakes.

Or I think about it this way: I've written sex scenes that are easily 6,000-9,000 words long. That's a tenth of a written standard-length novel. That's too long for novels. This is why you never see these kinds of sex scenes published anywhere except for erotica, and in erotica there's pressure to make the sex scenes shorter anyway. The only place where I know I can safely write sex to the length and breadth I want to is in serials, on AO3.

Authors in the mainstream book-writing world are kind of forced into a shape that fits the length of the book they're writing. If they write three very deep/lengthy sex scenes of the length that I write at, firstly they'd be thrown into the erotica dungeon (can no longer be searched for on most distribution websites), and secondly, that means they lose a lot of space for writing story, which for many of these writers does not happen during or because of sex scenes.

Authors can still sometimes write very hot sex scenes in a few hundred words, or one or two pages, don't get me wrong! But the vibe is different. I've never really liked sex scenes in anything published except for erotica, because it often feels... idk, like for example this line:

"“With each thrust I felt his love and saw the stars”"

Idk if this is canon to the book, but for me this means nothing. Why is the character feeling this way? What is it about the thrusts? What is it about the pose? Is it about eye contact? (And is this innately comfortable? How neurotypical is this character?) Undulation? Does he linger at the end? Is it because he circles his hips a certain way? Because that's not love, that's just talent.

I suppose for me, as a reader, I need explanations that let me understand why emotional shifts are happening in a sex scene. In the same way that I would need them in any other character change.

Other people I think can suspend their disbelief better and think 'wow that sounds amazing and hot.' I'm like 'I don't get it.'

And that's very much a me-problem! It's just a me-problem that I think I share with quite a lot of other readers, which is why we're all out here enjoying much longer sex scenes and then realise we can't really find them anywhere except for like... AO3, and some manhwa and manga and published erotica lmao. (I do think you're actually also more likely to find it in like f/f and m/m of any genre).

Anyway, on the flipside, some people find my sex scenes way too long and don't see the point. So all this stuff needs to exist for everyone! I just yeah, really like sex scenes where character stuff is happening. I can't write them otherwise, likely because I'm ace, and don't really find 'look at hot body = want to have sex' a thing that's relatable.

[glass--beach]

how did you learn music theory ????????? it makes my brain melt every single time 😭😭☹️

honestly wish i had good straightforward advice, i’m totally self-taught and have just been led by own obsessions, i’ve learned pieces from books, youtube, wikipedia, and even from r/musictheory (though i CANNOT recommend going on there it is so full of elitism…). the thing that has always worked for me is learning how to play songs i like and find interesting, then picking apart how i personally react to parts of the composition. how do certain chords / chord changes / melodic intervals / rhythms etc make you feel? i make a catalog of these little pieces in my mind and it continually broadens the palette i pull from when i write. seeking out other’s analysis of music you enjoy can be very helpful for learning terminology. i learned a lot from the book “twentieth century harmony” and it heavily influenced this last record though people i’ve recommended the book to said it was wayy too clinical for them to get through… i tend to like the very clinical nerdy stuff myself. most of my background is in jazz theory and i have learned so much of that by picking apart standards as well as transcribed solos, i have the bill evans omnibook and have learned much from his solos. but yeah, basic level stuff: look up the chords for songs you like and try to understand how each chord makes you feel and how each chord change makes you feel. see if anybody else who knows all the fancy terms has tried to pick apart the song and their own feelings on it. it’s all feeling at the end of the day…

music theory is not itself music, it is just flawed representations of musical ideas that can act as a lingua franca for musicians to communicate with each other. i often struggle to describe the most important parts of music with any existing terms, and “western” theory is historically racist so music from outside of the elite, white, imperial world is often lacking in terminology. many find their own languages (sometimes a language that is not spoken with words) outside of that or work alone and see no need to even put musical ideas into language in the first place. find ideas you like, try to understand them, and add them to your palette, that’s my advice

sorry for the mini essay, hope that helps at all

[slaygentford]

hi um. as an opera enjoyer do you have any thoughts on gounod's romeo & juliette?

just dug through my absolutely unusable inbox (sorry I did that ask meme and never replied I got really busy :/) to find this again because I just saw it last night and I have a couple of points ie an essay. first off the libretto is fucking deranged you have the entirety of one of the greatest achievements of the English language at your disposal

and do this instead

which proves again that the only way to adapt Shakespeare is ballet/physicality/mime because it's the only way of not using his poetry that you can convey his poetry

adjacent is that obv above they're in their 20s-30s but with dance the acting comes across better bc it's the entire body whereas opera they've gotta stand fairly still and so you're very aware you're watching two 35 year olds do this same scene as 14/15 year olds only singing and singing bad verse besides.

point b leads into point b.5(?) which is I straight up don't like tenors. I've come to accept this about myself. I straight up dislike a tenor. grow up. why are you as a man a tenor. men should either be countertenors (I kno we all saw it six years ago and daily since but let's revisit) or baritone or bass. stop yelling. STOP IT!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!! oh MY god. as you can imagine this makes my life very difficult. not Gounod's fault. I understand that Romeo obviously cannot be a baritone.

b.5: in every French opera you inevitably have the one frenchman in the cast who instead of rolling the r's has decided to swallow them instead which just annoys me. thats the entire point I just dont like it I like French opera fine love it even but oh my godddddd stop it. stop it. get some help.

point d: all of that being said the music alone is absolutely. just absolutely. just absolutely absolutely. beyond beautiful. and obviously we're all there at least in part for the spectacle of it. I spent 43 usd to see her do this

and obviously that was the bargain of a lifetime and regardless of all of the above I'd go again if I had another 43 bucks to spend. Ive seen her as Violetta as well several years ago and I will say that her Violetta is what took me from a casual opera fan to my current state and I did SPECIFICALLY go see this for her. the chokehold this woman has on an audience is unreal and this + je veux vivre are just really stunning pieces of Gounod's so what can you do.

in conclusion to enjoy this opera you must pretend it is not Romeo and Juliet because it is not Romeo and Juliet. not to be dramatic but it's a garish pastiche that offends me on a base level and if I'd seen it in 1860 whatever when it came out I'd be saying that loudly and complaining for the ENTIRE carriage ride home. but it's 2024 and I can turn on the baz Luhrmann Romeo and Juliet so it's all good. it's sonically really lovely and a great showcase for any soprano

[iamyoursonly]

3AM (29/03/2024)

wrote this at 3am because i had a dream of him and i needed some hallucinations desperately <3 sorry for not posting for so long though, i had so many tests i could barely breathe :(

Late nights but no movie night, I’m just overworking myself, as I sit at the same spot for the 27th hour.

My tired eyes drag across the computer screen, lazy fingers typing the last few words with my keyboard to complete my long due essay. Headphones listening to pop music to keep my mind awake, well the unhealthy amount of caffeine also helped with that.

I take some freshly washed grapes that I previously prepared for myself and put one in my mouth, slowly chewing and getting a taste of how sweet the grapes are. Suddenly, my mind wanders to think of how it would feel like if there was someone to feed me grapes when I’m doing work.

I slap my face and take another sip of my coffee when my mind tries to wander away and think about that ‘homeless romantic’ crap again. I could’ve been doing that if my immature self didn’t choose to become a become a doctor. I just sigh and continue the essay.

Until I couldn’t, and I passed out on the table.

“My love? Are you alright?” A man whispered into my ear, his voice was so hot and addictive though. Complaining would be the last thing I would do honestly. But I had to get up and check who it was.

I open my eyes, slowly getting used to the light at my desk again, only to find the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my whole entire life. He was gorgeous as a greek god that only Zeus had crafted himself. His features as sharp as a knife, and he looked divine.

“Am I hallucinating?” I mumbled, and as if I said it out loud, the man whispered again. “No you’re not, sweetheart.”

Well I better be in heaven for working my butt off completing that stupid essay. Seeing that I’m face to face with this beautiful man, I’m 100% sure I spawned into the correct place after I died. So this is the after life, it’s not even half bad to be honest. Like just look at him, he must be my guardian angel that is on his way to guide me to the staircase to heaven. The staircase will definitely be as gorgeous as his eyes…

“Hello? Darling? Are you still with me?” He says again, and I leaned closer to admire his features. I whisper a soft “Yes, I am.” As I focus on his ocean blue eyes, and before I knew it, I was drowning in that ocean his eyes held. His eyes was blue like a beautiful sunny day, it was that shade of blue that everyone liked, and I couldn’t help but admiring them a little bit too much too.

“Earth to y/n?” He tries yet again, but this time I could just focus on how snowy white his hair was, it was as white as the whitest paint ever made, and it looked so beautiful and silky I couldn’t even describe how much I wanted to run my fingers through his hair.

As if he could read my mind, he grabbed my face and closed the distance between the two of us, and our faces were so close I could feel his breath… He can touch me! And I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t. “Sir…?” I choked out, with his face so close to mine, I could barely control my pacing heartbeat, let alone my flushed expression. I could just stare into those captivating eyes of his and think about how beautiful he is… Honestly, even the most beautiful words cannot describe how spectacular he looks.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, and with us this close, I’m definitely not okay.

“May I ask who you are and why you’re here?” I ask, trying to put up a strong face, trying not to show my weak side.

“I’m Gojo Satoru,” he replies swiftly, without hesitation, “And I may come from the future but don’t freak out please. I’ll explain.”

I just look at him, not knowing how to react as my mind had suddenly gone blank from this shocking news. “Time travelling? That’s possible?”

He chuckled as if he knew how I would react, “How old are you, darling?”

“I’m 14.” I tell him, a bit curious about what he will tell me next. “I’m 29.” He tells me, “It’s 2024 right now, right? I was 16 during that time.”

It took quite a long moment of silence for me to process this new idea of time travelling that I never thought would happen in the near future. I just look at him and his smile as he moved away from me. The amount of questions I had started flooding my mind, I had to resist the urge to ask him all at once.

“So you’re in the year 2036?” I ask him, and I got my answer in a second.

“Actually 2037, it’s March right now, right? Well, I was born in December.” He said, with a smile.

“Why are you telling me all this? What do you want from me?” I started blurting out the questions I had in my mind for a while. And he just looked at me. “I just wanted to see if you met me yet, by that I meant my 16 year old self.”

“Huh?” I started to get confused, “What do you mean by that?”

“We’re dating, darling. In the future, and we’re engaged just last month in 2027.” He smiles, looking so happy I could almost know what to anticipate for the future, “You’re definitely the best thing that happened to me, I could see why I chose you as my wife.” I sat there in shock, not knowing the right words to say, but I felt a hot rush of heat on my face, I must’ve been blushing so hard when I heard him say that we will be engaged… I mean engaged with that man? What luck did I have to be able to pull him?!

“When will we start dating, may I ask?” I manage to choke out, and he laughs, making my face blush an even redder tone. Then he puts a finger up to his lips, as if telling me that it’s a secret, “Wait and see, it won’t be fun if I just spoil all the fun.”

His watch suddenly starts beeping really loudly, as if signalling him to go back, and I was right.

“Sorry darling,” he shows me his watch, and it shows that he had a minute left, “It’s time’s up for now, but I’ll see you later.” He just gave me a big hug and then he disappeared into thin air.

I still didn’t know how to react to that chain of information, I just sat still for a long time, so long that I could feel my butt hurting because of that. The wind blowing my curtains away from the touch of the windows, and that woke me up, that cold breeze of wind at night but with just a tiny bit of warmth to bring me the comfort I needed.

As if I needed something cold to continue this thinking, I head down the convenience store, in my silly pyjamas, I needed to get my daily doze of milk at 3am for better thinking. Not thinking that anyone would be there at 3am just like me, but I caught a glance of a tall guy with some snow white hair, and in that instant, I couldn’t stop my body from running towards that isle that he was in.

The tall guy turned to look at me, as I was panting from running so fast towards him, and he stared at me up and down, “Are you okay, miss?” I look at him, and I could see the sparkly ocean blue eyes I’ve just seen a moment before, but this person looked like a mini version of him — that Gojo guy. Even their voice sounded somewhat similar…

“I am, thanks for your concern.” I tell him, and he gave a slight smile before grabbing the last bottle of milk to the counter.

“Hey!” I call out to him, and he turned back to look at me, “What is it?” he says.

“I wanted that bottle too,” I say, a blush starting to creep up on my face, I think that explains the smirk on his face, “It might be weird asking but do you mind sharing?”

He just laughed out loud, breaking the silence in the air, and I just look at him with my blush creeping up my face so much faster than before. “So?” I ask again.

“I’ll just give you the bottle.” He tells me, then he heads to the counter to pay while I can’t even move my legs from embarrassment to stop him from paying for me. I simply stood in shock and waited for his return in the same position. He came back and gave me the bottle, I held onto the bottle tight and I maintained eye contact with him before he started leaving the store with both his hands in his pockets.

“Wait!” I call out, again, and he looks at me, “Would your name be Gojo Satoru?”

He didn’t necessarily respond but he did give just that tiny nod I needed to confirm, then he mouths the words, ‘I’ll see you later.’

master list

[confused-rat]

for a long while I could not figure out why LO would constantly send death threats or threats of violence and get her stans to follow along. Like that is online creator rule number one to not go after other creaters, especially if they are popular or well liked. Heck a creator from YouTube/Tiktok of the name of Casual Geographics used the community page to call out his fans for being shitty. Note , this is some one who just makes funny animal jokes, not someone who makes video essays.

I was always confused about this by a logical stand point. I don't think LO is some mastermind because if she was, she would never be reckless with what she did or said.

Untill I got my hands on a book called "Virtuous Violence : Hurting and Killing to Create , Sustain , End and Honor Social Relationships By Alan Page Fiske and Tage Shakti Rai" [Note, this book it a but outdated and annoyingly expensive book so please talke what I say with a grain of salt. Also i might explain concepts from the book poorly so sorry.]

Essentially, what the book suggests is that what if morals can be tied into the violence , instead of a lack of morals that cause the violence?

What do I mean by that? Alot of poeple know that doing things for yourself is selfish but potentially with a morality of committing violence for another , you can think that is better.

example of this happening? Look at how kids like to bully others so that they can get closer to the other kids who is helping bully another kid. Or how some one will hurt another if they hurtsd the perpetrator or someone who the victim wronged and the perpetrator.

Okay you might be thinking, how dose this tie into LO? Well notice how when LO gets talked about , the stans tend to go out of their to harass or silence critics? It's because that's thanks to LO framing herself as a victim and being very close with her fan base , LO can essentially give her fans a way to get close to her by getting then to attack other because they care. Those other hurt LO therfore you should harass others who hurt her , they deserve it anyways.

Now you might think I am contradicting myself but here me out. From what Courtney has said, things were not good when they were young so what might have happened it that when LO was young , she may have realized at some point, maybe I am just speculating, that maybe others will not hurt her is she bullies them first or gets others to go after anyone else. And maybe like her habit of habitual lying, she just keeps the behavior as she got older and never stopped, especially since it got her what she wants.

A feeling of control over others by using the fact that alot if poeple do not like her.

That does make some bit of sense, though I also want to add that I think Lily does most of what she does through the justification of “horrible people did this to me, so I can do it back”.

She’s been bullied, by awful people for sure, so she has rationalized that she can return that energy and somehow be exempt from all backlash as she was victimized first. Her followers included.

The problem is, not all of Lily’s critics are her harassers, but she refuses to differentiate the two. She wants her followers to believe her critics are the same people deadnaming her in the farms, when that just isn’t true.

Lily just cannot tolerate any form of counter-opinion or criticism being raised against her own. She is right, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and even if enough people tell her that she is wrong, then they are stalkers and bullies who can’t handle the truth.

She jokes about her opinions not being up to debate, lamp-shading her own stubbornness, but it’s easy to see it’s just performative self-ribbing for her fans, playing it off as a “oh that’s just Lily!” when it is quite literally the sad truth.

(The sad thing is that Lily could deal with a good 80% of her own harassment if she’d just turned anon messages off, but she refuses to. A likely indication of her own habit to send herself messages? Or is it to give herself and her fans all the justification they need to continue their own harassment campaigns? Probably a bit of both really.)

[kiwiana-writes]

For the fandom positivity thread:

The friends and the sheer amount of talent!!

I'm very very new to fandom and RWRB is my first. Getting to make ACTUAL friends that I talk to every day is so unbelievably cool and special to me. A few months ago, I had been talking to a non-fandom friend about how difficult it is is to make friends now as an adult because I'm not in an institutionalised space (school, uni, office) anymore. So I have to find friends in the wild. Then I fell into fandom and immediately found so much love and kindness. And all I really needed to do was hyperfixate and be myself.

And the reason I fell into fandom was because it's filled with incredibly talented humans and so many universes for my favourite characters. The possibilities are endless! And through the fic I read, art/ gifsets I see I find so much joy, support, and acceptance. It's truly unlike anything I've ever felt.

As for one of the things I enjoy about this fandom in particular? It's you and your fics! I have read ALL of your fics— some multiple times— and cannot shut up how much I adore them in your comments. Your fics bring me a lot of happiness and positivity, my friend!

I'm sorry I wrote you a whole essay T_T

I'm sorry you've been surrounded by so much negativity, that's sounds exhausting af. I hope my yapping helps you a tiny bit somehow!

Sending you lots of love, friend! 💛

I LOVE AN ESSAY. There really is so much to be said for fandom as a space where you don't have to pretend to be chill and unaffected haha, and where you get to find a bunch of people who are Extremely Fucking Invested in the same thing you are Extremely Fucking Invested in!

Also I'm gonna CRY that's so NICE.

(And to be super clear, what has me down at the mo is mostly Non Fandom Stuff, it's just making me more sensitive than usual to negativity and complaining everywhere in my life lmao. I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired I need JOY.)

[tell me what you LOVE about fandom]

[crazyskirtlady]

So I have been chanting the Medicine Buddha Mantra (also called Mantra of Sangye Menla or Bhaisajyaguru) and let me tell you all what's up!

I was originally seeking to clear some negative karma when I stumbled into this mantra, I usually chant the Vajrasattva Mantra for negative karma cleansing and when I went to find the video of the chanting for some reason the Medicine Buddha mantra popped up instead, curious?

I hadn't previously studied Sangye Menla (Medicine Buddha) so of course I immediately went to my books to find and read all about him.

Firstly I studied his 12 great vows:

And learned multiple pronunciations and structure of prayer:

And it did help with my negative issues, so I kept chanting (about 2 mala rounds every other night or so)

Now, I have some minor unaddressed health issues (who doesn't amirite?) and occasionally have flare-ups of these. A week or so into chanting The Medicine Buddha Mantra I had a flare-up and so I decided to double down on my chanting and get serious trying to activate the healing properties of this mantra. I am not going to lie and say I had some miraculous physical change BUT! I will tell you how much it affected my mental aspect! Normally any physical ailment makes me spiral into anxiety, panic and obsessive negative and intrusive thoughts, but this time with the chanting of this mantra I was... oddly calm? I knew what to do to physically help myself what medicines to take (normally my panic and intrusive thoughts make it hard for me to take medicine) This flare-up was conquered in my mind so quickly that the physical issues didn't even impede my day-to-day as much as they had before. Interesting...

now you might say: CrazySkirtLady a calm mind is just a benefit of chanting mantra in general not to just 1 specific mantra!

And I would respond true! BUT! I have been chanting mantra for 12+ years and no mantra I have chanted before has ever affected my physical body as much as The Medicine Buddha Mantra (except The Green Tārā Mantra but that is for another essay)

The caveat to all this rambling is that besides my minor physical issues I have 1 huge and major physical issue that has plagued my whole life; my weight. At times in my life I have been severely underweight, even malnourished and fluctuated to hugely overweight. I could never seem to really control my relationship to food. Either I hated it and starved myself or obsessive negative thoughts sent me running to snack again and again until I was sick to my stomach which led to a battle with binging and purging which of course after years of that caused ibs(womp womp)

(⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠)Woo, getting deeply personal yall sorry, just bear with me.

So, I had been chanting The Medicine Buddha Mantra for about 5 weeks every night when I suddenly noticed something huge: I hadn't been battling my food issues this whole time. Meaning for me I was just unconsciously eating 1 medium meal a day with a small snack in the afternoon and then no other thoughts of food. No obsessive snacking or starving! No intrusive thoughts telling me I needed to load up on laxatives and no negative emotions driving me to snack and snack incessantly! Big deal here people because when I say I have never had an easy mental association with food I cannot stress to you how much of a battle it was to either eat or not eat!

So what does this all mean?

We are all on our own journeys, finding our Truth and walking the path of our soul. I can only share my personal experiences and maybe someone will find their own Truth in that as well. If my incoherent babbling in any way rang a bell with you then I might suggest checking out Sangye Menla and The Medicine Buddha Mantra, maybe it resonates with you and any struggle you may be facing.

Blessings to All 🙏🏾

reminder that anyone of any faith or no faiths can chant mantras, you don't have to identify as Buddhist to chant mantras and receive their benefits.

disclaimer I am an Chaøte so my practices are mixed and as always I define what My Truth is.

[superpyodan]

would very much like to hear about kenny and evelyn's relationship thank you <3

bless you 😭😭 <3

as always this is very long but i think it's important to paint the whole picture, please bare with me!!

so, important to note, Kenny doesn't have a great relationship with his mum for a very long time. he doesn't rekindle his relationship with her until his third year in PT, and he hadn't spoken to her for ... many years prior to this.

evelyn and george knew Kenny's grandpa (also named Kendal, lol), and evelyn specifically had a hell of a lot of respect for him. they were good friends! kenny's grandpa was a pretty beloved member of the community.

so, when kenny comes to PT, evelyn is all over him, obviously. she invites him over for dinner multiple times, tells him stories of his grandpa, and she really, truly sees kenny's grandpa in him. they're both very gentle, caring people. she loves kenny just as much as she did his grandpa.

so, obviously, when alex and kenny become friends, she's really happy about this! she's glad alex has a friend who isn't haley, and she truly believes that kenny is a good influence, of sorts, on alex. for a long time, prior to K+A friendship, she was very worried about alex. he was kind of... closed off? his only friend was haley (and emily, by association) and he didn't really do much. alex was fine, she didn't have much reason to worry about him, but there was, obviously, the gay thing.

alex's lack of understanding about / his willingness to accept his sexuality really held him back as an individual, because it was somthing he was very insecure about. evelyn had her suspicions (as did literally everyone, lol), but she didn't know anything for sure, and never brought it up with alex.

she figured out pretty quickly that there was something other than friendship going on, but again, never pushed it, never said anything. UNTIL, summer of year 2, when A+K stop talking for a few weeks (this is because Kenny asked Alex to make their relationship official, and Alex rejected it due to his insecurities). she talks to kenny about it, but doesn't tell him her suspicions explicitly, but. you know. heavily implies that she knows what's going on.

she talks to Alex not long later, then other things ensue, blah blah blah. but here's the point i'm trying to make (LMFAO):

kenny and evelyn are family. she claims him as family from the second she meets him, because to her, Grandpa Kendal was also her family. She had kept in touch with Kenny's mother up until his brother's death. she knows Kenny in more ways than he's aware of, and was willing to accept him from the get-go, whether alex was involved or not. she treats him in the same way a blood-related grandmother would, in her Evelyn way -- Feeding him, checking on his wellbeing, asking about his life and genuinely seeking him out in order to spend time with him. even after Kenny and his mother reconcile, Evelyn is more of a 'mother' to Kenny than his own mum ever is.

kenny, who's been deprived of a 'family' for so long (dead brother, poor relationship with his parents, his dad never comes back into the picture) appreciates evelyn so, so much. truly, he loves her the same as he would a family member, too. he appreciates her support, her wisdom, and absolutely adores her & alex's relationship. it's all very sappy and meaningful and emotional for him. they become very close once K+A are in a relationship -- He visits her regularly when Alex is out of town for gridball, and makes sure that he makes sure she's well and healthy. keeping her company, you know?

okay i think im done. sorry, i literaly cannot help myself from writing borderline essays (in fairness, i did say 'don't get me started'). but thank you for asking! <3

[lockandkeyhyena]

hey, reaching out to you as a csa survivor who was abused in a very similar fashion to the victim in your hell story (though my abuser was an older student rather than a teacher) sending this on anon because ummmm anxiety haha

i dont really have much to say other than i think what you're writing is very important and needed. i personally had a really difficult time with the idea of a story that centers a possible "redemption" (for lack of a better term) of an abuser. it brought up an inner conflict that i've been dealing with in my head for a long while between a big part of my values being "restorative justice is absolutely the way to go and endless punishment will not help anyone" and the the angry, broken child within who keeps clawing at me and wailing "i hope they suffer and burn for eternity for what they've done to and took from me"

i suppose my hurdle is that the thought of seeing my abuser as anything more than a monster that took advantage of me is really really difficult, and something i still struggle with to this day. i'd much rather think of them as a demon that lurks in my memories rather than a person who is still alive and breathing today. that thought is just unbearable to me.

but stories like this and related topics have forced me to think genuinely to myself if i would actually feel better if i knew that they were being tortured for eternity for what they've done. it feels like such an elementary concept that has been taught time and time again (a victim's burning want for revenge and the impact such an angry mindset has on any possible healing is a concept that im exploring in my own story) but its one that i keep returning to with no definitive answer. im slowly beginning to land on the conclusion "no matter what i do or what becomes of them, what happened happened and i cannot dig at or punch or scream at the past to get it to change. all i can do is focus on myself, my future, and healthy ways to heal from it. i will never forgive them for what they did to me but i can only hope that wherever they are, they aren't hurting anyone else."

there's still a small but vocal part of me that hopes they die in the worst ways imaginable, but conversations like these and the media that sparks them allows me to realize that despite how awful and disgusting they are, abusers are still human. their actions cannot and should not be justified, but they're still human. and even though that thought process is still very difficult for me to fully comprehend - and i will never not hate an abuser, and i will never forgive them either - being able to examine beyond their actions and why the gut reaction of dehumanization can be destructive in multiple ways is important.

wow i did NOT mean to write this much haha im really sorry for putting an essay in your inbox, i just figured that getting a survivor's perspective and what type of inner conflict a story like this can spark in us would be valuable to you in some way. sorry if this is incomprehensible i have a lot of Feelings about it clearly.

but tldr this is a long-winded way of encouraging you to continue with this project. your intentions are clearly good and its obvious that you plan to handle this topic in a brutally honest yet respectful way, which is honestly all i can ask for lol

this is. just so kind, thank you so much for your words of encouragement <3 it means tons to me. this story is very special to me and i plan to handle it in the most responsible way i can

[silas-png]

trauma dump? ig? idk anymore im too tired for this

FOR CONTEXT: I'm a minor-- I will not say what exact age out of privacy reasons-- and going through a conflicting time for myself. I would like opinions, honest opinions if you have the time to read this essay of a trauma dump. If you don't want to, scroll past, by all means.

I really just want to know what's going on. I've looked it up on Google and researched several websites and from my experiences, it seems like it could be psychological trauma/ abuse, or parental manipulation, but that's just a guess. I, unfortunately, cannot seek professional help solely because I don't want my parents to treat me worse because of them finding out about my accusations.

---

Can parents support your gender identity and still be homophobic in action towards you? 'Cause like, my parents and family use my chosen name and chosen pronouns, but my parents tend to often gaslight me and/ or manipulate me(saying things along the lines of "I guess I'm just a bad parent", "You're only saying sorry to yourself" and never apologizing for their actions or taking the time to say the simple word of 'sorry')-- this all started after I came out-- and have never believed a word I say. They also place blame on me for things I didn't do sometimes and often bring up past events or faults that I have simply because. On top of this-- and a part that I honestly understand-- my parents do not allow me access to gender-affirming care or hormone-blocking pills. This is because I live in a homophobic state, but the only off thing about this is I have a friend who's trans and taking the Big T and hormone blockers, and he's not an adult.

On the topic of being trans-- or just LGBTQ+ in general-- my parents did not believe me at first. They thought I was being influenced by my transgender cousin, and straight up told me that I was wrong about myself. Then, after I came out as trans to them, they started to take me more seriously-- solely because of the situation in which I came out the second time. Which was them finding out I was self-harming-- it was a whole thing, they both found out I was doing that and was trans that day. funny story, actually, i still have trauma from that day.

My parents tend to blame all of my actions on my being a teenager and blame all of their actions on the fact that I'm a teenager. My parents also have the tendency to shrug off all of my mental health problems. For example-- and for those uncomfortable with the topic of sh, please skip past this to the next paragraph-- I used to self-harm for a couple years-- from ages 12-13/14. My parents found out twice and both times they did nothing. The second time I got a firm scolding from my mom, and my dad was disappointed. Since then they have never bothered to check up on how I'm doing mentally, or even bothered to care, for that matter.

My younger brother-- who's 11-- has become more aggressive in words towards me and very often finds some random reason to tear down my self-esteem-- knowing it's already low-- and he used to use my dead name as a form of making fun of me. As well as this, he's gained a sort of god complex over me. He seems to think that he's better than me, and it confuses me. He also does this then acts like nothing happened when my parents walk by, and he gets away with it. However, as soon as I make a jab at him, he's sobbing for my parents or straight up screaming insult after insult at me.

Also, for the record, my parents treat him better than they treat me because he's emotionally sensitive and I'm a bit of a bottler when it comes to emotions. However, they also treat him with more attention because he has an abundance of medical problems, but because of this they treat me like dogwater and him almost like the golden child. So, I want to know, am I just being jealous and/ or overreacting, or is this actually a problem?

[kaycode1999]

Hello! I’d love to ask for an LMK matchup, but I’m not sure if you do them for anons. Would you also mind me resubmitting this ask if you don’t?

Appearance:

I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Also vertically challenged coming at 5’1.

Pronouns & Sexuality:

I go by she/her and I’m heterosexual.

Aesthetic:

My actual aesthetic is casual with a preference for lighter colours. However, my favourite aesthetics are vintage and light academia.

Hobbies:

I love indoor activities, but I’m open to taking walks and going outside. I usually draw, play video games, and watch video essays about anything that catches my interest. I can’t do anything too physically taxing or I will suffer.

My Type:

Just someone who’s patient with me as I try to figure out myself, helping me whenever I get stuck, and is sorta similar to me in a way. I want someone who understands and doesn’t mind me being wishy washy with my affection. Doesn’t mind that I am not physically affectionate and can struggle with being affectionate. Someone that prefers quiet moments, doesn’t mind my occasional rants. We have a silent connection, and can usually tell what the other wants/needs. Someone who’s willing to talk and be honest with me about how they feel, and I can wait if they’re not ready. Looks wise, I prefer less muscular, taller than me (not a tall ask haha), and cute/pretty guys (I don’t mind hot/handsome though.)

Personality:

I can be slightly withdrawn and anxious at first meeting, opting to be accommodating and generally nice. But once I open up, I can be energetic and talkative. I’m very open-minded to everything and everyone (logically, there’s no reason for me to hate!), but I have trouble opening up and talking about my emotions, and can only do that comfortably under some form of anonymity (online friends for example) or if someone has prior experience with me venting. I will jump to defend people close to me if they’re being disrespected, and I can get pretty heated in the process. My friends tell me I can be brutally honest, borderline mean sometimes, but I really don’t mean to be (I have a different perception of what is rude.) Slightly touch-averse, but I won’t mind if you ask. I don’t like myself, but I don’t actively put myself down either. Finally, I am clueless about pop culture, and I can come off as pretty boring because of that.

Characters I don’t want:

I don’t want to be matched with Peng, The Mayor, or any character similar because I don’t like their personalities. Also Pigsy, Tang and Sandy, because I genuinely cannot see them in a romantic light.

Thank you! And I’m sorry for this long ask.

I match you with

Ao Lie

You two are like Yin and Yang or the sun and the moon ( Yes I did that on purpose😂). You are both so alike, yet different.

Where one person struggles, the other excels and just ends up lifting the other person up. For example, he struggles to stand up for himself or express when he doesn't like something whereas you're blunt yet honest

In that way you both learn and grow with each other and make each better

His personality is much like yours. He's also energetic and talkative and nice, but he also struggles with self-confidence and liking himself. He also knows you're a lot like him so he makes sure that even if you don't like yourself that you know he does- you do the same for him too

He kind of has to stick with indoor activities or something not too taxing because bless him he's so clumsy he might actually accidentally hurt himself so he tends to stick with you in whatever activity you are doing

Draw him something and he will keep it on his person at all times. Its so dear to him.

He will of course respect any physical boundaries and/or be understanding of your level of affection.

You two are actually so close, you just get each other. You don't have to tell each other to know what the other needs, so he will likely already know what you need at the moment before you say it.

Whatever you need he's there just like you're there for him .

[youremyonlyhope]

In Defense of Tolya/Inej

(A long rambling essay exploring asexuality, "shipping wars," and the effect that constant cancellations has had on fandom. 4600 words. I'm not even sorry that it's long. There's a tldr at the end.)

Let's start this off by saying I am asexual. Or demisexual... greysexual... aceflux... the point is I am on the asexual spectrum. I don't know where precisely. I don't personally think it really matters for me to specifically define it. I am somewhere over there. I also consider myself to be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (for that one I'm 90% sure I lean toward greyromantic).

All of this is to say: asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums. They are umbrella terms. There are subgroups within them to help describe the range of the spectrum, but if people want to just use asexual or aromantic to describe themselves then they can. Where I fall is different from where someone else falls, and that's different from where another person falls, and that's probably different from the person reading this if you are ace and/or aro too. And it's different for Tolya. There isn't one aroace experience and there isn't one type of aroace representation.

A little more about me. I am also mixed race. More specifically Black and white like Jesper, but mixed people of all races know the shared experiences of feeling like we're between two worlds. It's not as obvious in the show (I can't remember if it's even mentioned but I can see that some fans don't seem to know), but in in the books Tamar and Tolya are half-Shu and half-Ravkan. Also, I am a twin. I am a girl with a boy twin. My twin brother is a foot taller than me. So, Tamar and Tolya's existence in the Grishaverse speak to MY SOUL. Tamar, Tolya, and Jesper make me feel like so many parts of myself are represented on these pages.

Moving on from my background. Just another reminder that ace is a spectrum. Aro is a spectrum. Life. Is. A. Spectrum.

Onto the actual topic: Tolya. In the books, Tolya doesn't have any love interests. He also notably says "I have my faith, my books. I've never wanted more," in Rule of Wolves. This leads many fans to headcanon him as ace, aro, or aroace. I headcanon him as aroace too. I loved that one almost throwaway line and it made me feel even more connected to Tolya. I recently reread the Shadow and Bone trilogy and it renewed my love for Tolya. The perfect casting of Lewis Tan also reignited my excitement for seeing this character that I adore appear onscreen.

It seems, from the scene of Tolya helping Inej onto the boat, that the show will explore the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. THIS IS OK. This is ok specifically because THE STORY IS NOT OVER.

I find that when I am worried about something, going over worst case scenarios and best case scenarios can help me calm down. Let's list a few possibilities of where this will lead:

Tolya and Inej fall in love. Inej forgets Kaz exists. Tolya's possible aroace-ness is never acknowledged. They spend all their time kissing and having sex, never again hunting slavers or reciting poetry ever. If Inej and Kaz meet again, she'll break his heart because they'll never get together. Kaz dies alone. Tolya and Inej then have 20 kids.

Tolya develops (or has already developed) a crush on Inej. It's understandable, she helped save his life and they fought well together against Ohval. Tolya is a very outwardly affectionate person: he's open about his feelings (hence the constant poetry recitation), he loves to care for the people around him (sharing food with multiple characters, helping Jesper with Wylan), he values his blade (his hallucination nightmare is Tamar dying on his blade, he doesn't notice people ducking out of the way of his handle), and he is incredibly spiritual (praying in Shu-Han, but many more examples in the books, the show has barely touched the surface of his spirituality). He is nearly the polar opposite of Kaz, and Inej has said that Kaz cannot give her what she wants, so that probably draws Inej towards Tolya. They get closer after spending time at sea, and they start a relationship. They stay together through the end of the show. Kaz either stays alone or finds someone else. Tolya's aroace-ness is never acknowledged.

Everything from #2, except they don't stay together through the end of the show. Inej realizes that despite Tolya being able to give her what she thinks Kaz can't, she still wants Kaz. And Kaz, now having been away from Inej for a period of time and possibly working through some of his touch aversion and other anxieties, wants to try to meet Inej somewhere in the middle after knowing with it's like to almost lose her to someone else. She accepts Kaz, leaves Tolya, and Tolya is fine with it (because I can't imagine Tolya ever holding a grudge for that). Tolya's aroace-ness isn't never acknowledged, but is probably somewhat implied (something along the lines of telling Inej the "faith and books" line to reassure her).

Everything from #2, but this time Tolya is the one who realizes that this might not be what he wants. Maybe he realizes that he has romantic feelings for Inej but not sexual. Maybe he realizes that he has sexual feelings for Inej but not romantic. Maybe he realizes his feelings for Inej are purely platonic and the intensity comes from his gratitude for saving him. Or maybe the intensity comes from them connecting through their spirituality. This could either lead to Inej feeling sad and rejected and turning to Kaz for some comfort, OR she just agrees that the feelings aren't the same as what she had for Kaz. Kaz has now worked through some of his trauma. So they end the relationship, Toya is happy with his faith and books, and Inej reconnects with Kaz romantically.

The look that Tolya gave Inej wasn't from some sort of romantic interest, but instead intrigue at the chance of getting to know her better. They become best friends with their bond starting from their mutual love for blades and their spirituality. They become the blade fighting duo we never knew we needed. The show never mentions his sexuality, he just stays single.

Same as #5, but they also Tolya say the "faith and books" line and confirm he's aroace.

The show sees the negative response from some fans and does a complete 180, never addressing the possibility Tolya and Inej again. I do not want this to happen. Not because I like Tolnej, but because I hate that fan response and pandering has become a thing in the current age of social media and letting fans influence media. It completely ruined the Rise of Skywalker. I fully believe it's influenced RTD's Doctor Who (I can go more in depth on that another time). Looking at these examples, I would rather the Shadow and Bone writers continue with whatever storyline they already have planned rather than shift to appease some of the fans, even if that planned storyline isn't something I will like. People need to remember that the fans who care enough to speak on social media, both positively and negatively, only make up a small percentage compared to the entire viewership. So I definitely do not want them to take fan response into account when planning the show. Leigh is an executive producer, so I trust she wouldn't let them explore something with her characters and her world that she wouldn't mind seeing herself.

Kaz, in my headcanon, also falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Whether it's because of his touch aversion or if that's just a part of it, I do think he's somewhat asexual. While most of us are ace just because we're ace, there are some people who are ace due to past trauma and I've imagined Kaz falls in that category. To me, subtly in the books but definitely in the show, Inej desires a sexual relationship and she's well aware that Kaz doesn't want that. Her hallucination, which I see so many Kanej fans gif'ing and fangiring over, would never happen at this point in Kaz's life. Inej realizes it in the moment, and that's how she knows it isn't real. Tolya is literally using his Heartrender abilities to try to slow down the effects of the poison before succumbing to the horror of his hallucination, but it's Inej who snaps out of her hallucination first BECAUSE she knows what she's seeing is not possible. It's different from Jesper, who knows his hallucination isn't real since his mom is gone and yet still wants to stay in it, because Inej knows this could theoretically happen, but also knows that Kaz would never let it happen. She doesn't even let herself enjoy the hallucination the way Jesper did because it's something she doesn't think she can ever have with Kaz. There is a very real possibility that the show could ultimately decide (after some combination of the earlier scenarios in my list) that Tolnej doesn't work/doesn't happen AND then that Inej and Kaz will never have any sort of relationship either. They could all end up single or with other characters. Even at the end of Crooked Kingdom, the Kanej relationship is still somewhat ambiguous. They hold hands, she says she's not ready to give up on him, and he helped find her family, but they aren't explicitly in love. I wouldn't be surprised if the show goes the book route and leaves Kanej ambiguous yet hopeful at the end.

BONUS! Just because I think it'd be fun. Make Tolya canonically aromantic and just care deeply and platonically for Inej, but maybe he can still fulfill Inej's desire for a sexual relationship since he can be demi or greysexual or even asexual with a libido. Kaz may never fully stop being touch averse, which is perfectly fine, and he and Inej connect romantically with a fulfilling life of love. And then Kaz and Tolya get to bond deeply platonically over their mutual love for life's beauty (poetry and Inej). Make them some sort of triad that mixes and fulfills everyone's romantic, sexual, and platonic needs. It's a win-win-win for all three. It doesn't have to be a love triangle, Inej has two hands. Do I expect the show to go in this direction? No. Would I love to see it? Yes.

Obviously I'm exaggerating scenerio #1 on purpose. Because that exaggeration is what I imagine people to seem to think the show is leading to based on how intense their responses have been so far. I also tried to address some other things I've seen people freaking out about when making the scenarios, like how Kaz will react to Tolya or worrying if Tolya being aroace will ever be acknowledged in the show.

What do I think is most likely to happen? Honestly, scenario #3 or #4. Maybe #6. That's why I'm not freaking out. Yes I ship Kanej, yes I think Tolya is aroace, but I also like the idea of them exploring Tolnej and I think either #3 or #4 would be fun to see. While the show strays from the books in a lot of ways, I don't think they'll stray from the final relationships by the end of it.

At the end of Ruin and Rising, Mal and Alina get to leave, get married, and live an ordinary life full of ordinary things. I LOVE the ending (apparently that's another controversial opinion I have about the Grishaverse) but that didn't happen in the show. Yet. The show has separated Mal and Alina so that Mal can figure out who he is without his tracking and so they can find out if they love each other for each other, or if it was just destiny that pulls them together. This is not in the book at all. And yet I love it. It can lead to strengthening their relationship since I trust the show will still end eventually with them together, hopefully with their ordinary ending. I think the show is doing the same thing with Kanej. The "I'll have you without your armor or not at all" conversation actually came towards the end of the duology, but the show moved it much earlier. I like that they did because this gives them something to build up from. Another reason I like scenarios #3 and #4 is because they still give Kaz the opportunity take what Inej said to heart and try to live without his armor. At the end of Crooked Kingdom, he takes off his glove and holds Inej's hand, but he is not at that point in the show yet. He will be eventually. And knowing that Inej might move on with Tolya can give him more reason to work to get to that point. I don't think the show is telling us Kanej will never happen, I think the possibility of Tolnej is the same as them separating Malina. I believe they will all come back together.

And if any of my listed scenarios do happen: THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN TOLYA'S SEXUALITY IS ERASED.

Sexuality in the Grishaverse is never defined. The fans can make inferences based on the relationships that Leigh gives her characters, but they don't define the characters' sexualities with labels in the books. This is because in the Grishaverse, labels as we know them don't seem to exist. You can kind of think of it in the way that we should treat LGBT+ people in history: we can give them labels of what we would consider them to be in our current era, but we'll never truly know what they would have labeled themselves because either they were closeted or there were just no labels for their sexualities at the time. And when they did have labels, they often called themselves things that many LGBT+ people would never use today. I look at the Grishaverse characters' sexualities in a similar way; they don't label themselves, and we can make assumptions based on the labels we would use, but they will never be explicitly canon unless Leigh puts it in the books.

For example, Hanne in Rule of Wolves (MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THIS PARAGRAPH) Leigh uses "she/her" pronouns for them up until the last part of the book, and then Leigh is careful to NEVER use any pronouns for Hanne again. The fandom assumes Hanne identifies as a transman from that point on or maybe nonbinary, but we really don't know for sure yet because it happened so late in the book. The Grishaverse wiki uses "they/them" pronouns for Hanne precisely because we don't know what they prefer. All we know is that they always felt uncomfortable when they presented as a girl, and they enjoyed Tailoring themself to be more masculine. Maybe in future books we will get a definite answer as to whether they are a transman or nonbinary, but for now we technically don't know. But out of respect, the fandom has agreed to use they/them for Hanne. (RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS ARE DONE)

So, if Tolya does have a relationship with Inej at some point in the show, whether or not it lasts, it doesn't erase the possibility of Tolya being on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums. The show and books are never going to give him a definitive label. He could be demisexual/romantic and figure out after forming a bond with Inej that he has sexual or romantic feelings for her. Or he could be greysexual/romantic, which has a purposefully wide definition (rare specific circumstance that he desires having a relationship, weak attraction or difficulty telling it apart from platonic feelings, etc), and his experiences with Inej could fall into one of those categories. In these cases, we'd probably get a scene where he'd say something like "I've always thought I only needed my books and faith, but after getting to know you, Inej, I have never felt this way before and I don't think I'll ever feel this way again." This would still be representation for people who fall along the middle of the aroace spectrum, but not those at the furthest edge. If the relationship doesn't last and through it he realizes that he's sure that these are things he's not interested in, then that represents every aroace person who had to go through that before coming to terms with their sexuality. It's not erasure. Maybe it doesn't specifically represent YOU if you consider yourself aroace, but it definitely represents SOMEONE who does (I'd find it very relatable).

And all of this goes back to something I mentioned at the start: the show is not DONE. If it gets renewed, which it likely will, then there is more to see. To me, the people I see freaking out about the possibility of Tolnej, whether it's because they ship Kanej and don't want a triangle or because they don't want Tolya's sexuality to be "erased," are reacting the way you'd usually see people react if the show ended at this point. But it probably will not. And then when I see posts from the people who are thinking ahead, they seem to only be considering scenario #1 and not realizing there are a multitude of directions for the show to go in. It's not worth freaking out over. Plus, there's always the saying "don't like don't read," so if you find you really are disliking even the possibility that any scenario I listed could come true, you can just not watch the show and pretend it doesn't exist. The books are never changing. Even if the show changes everything, even if they have Alina end up with Jesper or Wylan end up with Nadia or Zoya marry a volcra or any other ridiculous outcome that utterly changes the show's canon, the book's canon will never change. You can always turn to the books if things don't ultimately turn out in a way you want them to.

Also, why am I seeing people complain that fans are writing fanfiction already about Tolnej? Why are you complaining about what other fans are doing that has zero affect on you? Fanfiction is not just for the canon ships. It's not even just for shipping in general, but it's definitely not reserved to the ships that are canon. You can write fanfiction for any ship you want to. Shipping wars have never truly made sense to me, but maybe that's because my first big online fandom was Glee and the ships were constantly changing and switching around so there was no point in putting too much effort into arguing because it may all change in the next episode anyway. Yes, we had lots of ship wars, but when people shipped the most random "crackships" possible then the appropriate response for most people was "wow, they really ship that, weird" and then to move on. Let people write fanfics. That's why AO3 exists. You can just write whatever you like. And yes of course a new crop of fans hate AO3, which is a whole other issue I cannot wrap my head around, but the point is to just let people write the fanfic they want to write and make the fanart they want to. Someone has already made a Tolnej fanvid on YouTube? Wow that's incredible since they did it so quickly! Malina on the moon AU? Cool throw in some sun and moon jokes! Do you think that Wylan and Hershaw would be best friends? Go for it, they'll probably blow everything up! The Darkling and Mal and Alina incest AU fic? Not my cup of tea but you do you and I just won't read it. People will write what they want to, and they aren't hurting anyone in the process, so if you don't want to see it then don't read it.

I see people complaining that shipping wars will begin to start after this fandom had been so peaceful for years. Honestly, the only reason there weren't shipping wars before this was because Six of Crows didn't have enough characters and possible ships to have a war over. Mixing with Shadow and Bone earlier in the timeline has opened up the possibilities. You know how to prevent shipping wars? Just don't fight with people who ship the things that you don't ship. Don't engage. If you see a Tolnej fanfiction, don't tell the author "Ew I hate Tolnej. You shouldn't have written this." just don't read it. Or if you do read it and still don't like it, then move on. If someone who ships Tolnej comes on a Kanej post and starts saying Tolnej is better, or vice versa, you can press the block button. Or you can just not respond to them. A shipping war doesn't start if you don't fight in it. There can just be people who ship Tolnej, people who ship Kanej, people who ship all 3 of them together, and everyone can just choose what they want to interact with and scroll past what they don't.

When it comes to Avatar: The Last Airbender, I am a gigantic Zutara shipper, and the Zutara vs Kataang ship war was infamously a bad one, but I just try not to engage in it. I know my ship isn't canon. Sure, I'll complain that it's not canon, maybe say "Oh in this scene they were so in love" and think about what could have been, but then I just go read Zutara fanfics. If you don't want to see shipping wars, don't participate. Ignore it. Move on.

But you know what? I think I know what the ultimate source of this is, or at least one of the sources. I've been seeing similar uproars in the Stranger Things and Umbrella Academy fandoms this year. Both are fandoms that also tend to skew younger than myself. I think fans, especially younger fans, are now reacting in these intense ways as a defense mechanism because so many shows get cancelled early. They're preparing in advance for this to be the last of whatever media they love, they're preparing for this to be canon forever, and they aren't happy.

Using Stranger Things as my example, I saw it happen when people were mad that Will didn't come out as gay at the end of Season 4 and that Mike didn't fall in love with him. I get that you guys ship them, and I love Will and want him to be happy, but just because it didn't happen in Season 4 doesn't mean it's not going to happen. First of all, Will is a 14 year old kid in the 1986 from a small town in Indiana that can barely handle Dungeons and Dragons and he's already been bullied at school for possibly being gay, coming out is not as easy as it is today. Reagan only just acknowledged AIDS one year earlier. Even Robyn hasn't come out to anyone but Steve. If they had thrown in Will coming out amongst the chaos of Elle fighting Vecna and trying to save Max, I know people would complain that it got shoehorned in as an afterthought. And because it didn't happen at all, people are complaining about that too. I know people will always complain about something, but I'm sure that fewer fans would complain if they didn't have the fear of cancellation instilled in them. Sure, Stranger Things would never get cancelled before finishing the planned story, but these fans are just used to feeling that the end of each season of every show could possibly be The End, and then complain about the loose ends accordingly.

That's what I think I'm seeing from the people who are upset about the possibility of Tolya and Inej being together. The show will probably be renewed, but it's not guaranteed. If it were to end right now, then yeah, fans who only watch the show would assume Inej and Kaz will never be together, that Tolya is interested Inej, and they'd have no idea that he's implied to be aroace in the books. But here's the thing: if you read the books, you know none of this is true. In the books, Tolya is aroace representation. In the books, Kaz and Inej are implied to have a romantic future. Why does it matter to you and your life if some people who watch the show don't know about the parts of the books that haven't happened yet? The fans who are mad about this change are all book fans because we're the ones who know it's a change. If we don't like the change, we can always choose to only acknowledge the books. The books can't be cancelled. The books are not going to change. Even if the show goes in directions you don't like, you can always take solace in the books.

Also, I see way too many people complaining about Tolya and Inej who have only read SoC/CK but not any of the books that Tolya actually appears in.

I'm nearly done. I wanted to address the aroace fans who are sad because they saw themselves in Tolya and now feel he doesn't represent them. I'm sorry that a character you connected to doesn't touch you the same way in the show as they did in the book. But you can't say Tolya isn't aroace representation in the show, at least not yet. At this point, he doesn't represent YOU and you definitely deserve representation, but he does represent SOMEONE. And hopefully he will continue to represent someone. So many aroace people had relationships with people they cared about and thought they felt romantic or sexual love for, before they eventually realized they were aroace. If this ends up as Tolya's story, then that rings true to SO MANY people. As I keep repeating, the show is not over, this could be leading to one of the scenarios where Tolya figures out that he is aroace through pursuing a relationship with Inej. He could already be demi or grey and it just hasn't come up in the show yet, but meeting Inej is one of the few times in his life that he does feel romantic and/or sexual attraction. Or, the look he gave her was just platonic and he's excited to have her aboard the Volkvolny.

We don't know for sure. It's better to just let the show's story unfold and remember that you will always have the books you love, rather than waste energy worrying about where the show is heading.

So yeah. I love Tolya. I love the idea of Tolnej. I love any plot point that can put more Tolya on my screen. I am greyromantic and demi/grey/flux/asexual/whatever and I personally like where they're taking his character and I want to see what it leads to. I hope it ultimately leads to him staying on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, but we don't know for sure right now. We just need to wait and see.

Also, don't tag any hate posts for the ship in the Tolya Yul-Bataar, Tolnej, Tolya x Inej, and Inej x Tolya tags. That's just fandom etiquette 101.

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tl;dr:

1) The show isn't done yet and we don't know where it's heading. 2) The show can be heading in a bunch of different directions, including keeping Tolya as aroace and having Kanej be canon. 3) Asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums and umbrella terms, so Tolya could be with Inej and still be considered aroace. 4) This isn't erasing aroace representation because there will still be aroace people who will feel represented by him. 5) The books are not going away so if worst comes to worst, he'll still always be aroace representation in the books.