#sorry for the essay i CANNOT help myself

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[cringefailfagcat]

the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for

[eastwindmlk]

A @jilymicrofics for the prompt Retire, Jan 14th

Word count: 838

It was strange, after more than half a century, to be cleaning up her office for the final time. To carefully wrap her trusty tea set in yesterday’s Prophet, sift through the boxes of paperwork in search of what to archive, what to keep and what to finally bin. 

As she sorted through an assortment of old assignments and Christmas cards from a bygone age, Minerva finds herself reminiscing. Once familiar faces and voices curled from the depths of her mind, a fond smile on her face. 

The corners of her lips trembled like her aged hands when her fingers brushed along a script that gave her pause. Because even after all these years, all these hundreds of students, she could still tell whose penmanship this was. 

The large letters crammed onto the parchment, like he knew he was going to run out of space for his sweeping t’s and large loops. The words slanting upwards as if wanting to escape from the paper. 

She did not doubt that, at the time, that was precisely what he’d had on his mind, while stuck doing a detention assignment for her. It was supposed to be an essay, but in true James Potter fashion, he’d ignored the explicit instruction and instead composed a letter. 

Dearest Minerva, 

As we sit across from each other in your office, a pot of lapsang souchong between us, I am aware you are pretending to be cross with me. For the sake of posterity, I will pretend with you. Though we both know that they deserved every miserable second. 

In the future, however, I will strive for a more creative solution. Even if I think turning their belts into snakes was quite a nifty piece of transfiguration. I will let you be the judge of that. Being the expert and all that. 

Speaking of the future, I am supposed to write an essay about where I see myself next year. Which I could have answered effortlessly a fortnight ago. But things changed. Every paper is full of it now. And I refuse to sit idle just because I happened to have been born into a family that fits into their narrow view of our world. 

One year from now, I will be as restless as ever. Using the privilege that comes with my name to help those who cannot help themselves. However, unlike before, I will not humour myself with the delusion that this can be achieved by mere words. 

I will gladly put my wand with my conviction and face whatever is in store beyond the safety of these walls. Together with my friends, we will make a difference. 

My friends and I are talking about getting a place together, somewhere nice and lively. We were hoping to travel, see some of the world. Those plans are on hold, at least for now. Though none of us will say it aloud, we hope that the four of us will be around for it.

So, we spend evenings talking about this trip, imagining places to go and things to do in the hopes that the four of us will get to go.

Hopefully, I will be dating Lily Evans. (Please don’t tell her I said that.) I think she is finally coming round to me. She no longer glares in my direction, though I can still feel her eyes on me sometimes.

Maybe I am crazy, but I can tell it is her just from the way it feels. Her watching me is special somehow. Often I itch to turn to her, to catch her looking. To catch a glimpse of her smile or her fluster. Just the fraction of a moment where I can believe she might actually feel the same way. 

Or maybe not the same way. I would not wish this complete and utter agony on her. If she does come to fall for me, I hope she falls softer. I hope that I am not too blind to see and catch her before the rough landing. 

That is only if I will ever be lucky enough to be enough for her. To have grown into a person, she can depend on rather than the childish prick (I am so sorry, did not mean to curse.) I used to be. 

I am afraid I am running out of space. I could fill several more rolls of parchment (Which is not me asking for more) with hopes and wishes for the year ahead. Some more achievable (Pass my N.E.W.T. s) and some more hopeful (Snog Lily Evans. Again, please don’t tell her I wrote any of this.)

Your favourite student, 

James Potter 

Her fingers crumpled the paper where she gripped it tight, a lump rising in her throat. Her eyes scanned the content of the letter once more before pressing it briefly to her heart before placing it atop her pile of keepsakes. 

Minerva pushed herself to her feet, in dire need of a break and craving a cup of lapsang souchong. 

[sarahreesbrennan]

sorry if you have already answered this, but are we getting any queer rep in Long Live Evil? 💕 i am super excited to see what you've cooked up for us either way!

I came back after I'd gone off on one, seeing the post had struck a chord and being thankful but fearful of my inbox. Let me say with delighted surprise that all the asks are very kind.

Thank you for this one, sweet anon. I am so excited and so nervous about my best beloved, Long Live Evil, and about coming back with a new book of my own after so long, when I believed for a long time it was hopeless.

I'm really grateful to find readers waiting for me. But I know readers are naturally more invested in characters they know: I extremely appreciate you taking an interest in the future.

So, short answer: YEAH you are!

Long answer: Long Live Evil wouldn't exist without its queer narratives.

C.S. Pacat and I were talking in our virtual Brookline Booksmith event recently about our favourite Disney villains. C.S. Pacat picked Maleficent, a fine choice. I picked Snow White's Evil Queen. We agreed we loved most of them.

Here's the relevant excerpt I was quoting in my last post from Carmen Maria Machado's In The Dream House, saying 'I think a lot about queer villains, the problem and pleasure and audacity of them.' Well... me too.

I think many of us have experienced feeling made wrong in some way - for not wanting what society said we should or being what we were expected to be - and that one step along that journey of discovery is going 'Okay, if it's wicked, I'll just BE wicked.' And that's part of why those characters appeal - because they seem free, and free of pain.

But modern storytelling isn't confined to coding, and audiences can now feel free to expect, not the certainty, but the possibility characters who aren't introduced as such still might actually turn out to be LGBT+. The essays I've read about Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Sherlock, Ted Lasso, Fox 9-1-1... I think the latest argued Jaime Lannister was bisexual. (Pretty persuasive.)

I remember reading the Raven Cycle going 'oh? OH.' I remember being at a writing retreat in 2013 and running through the halls screaming about Nico diAngelo. Ten years later we got a Nico diAngelo book co-written by Rick Riordan and the amazing Mark Oshiro. I watched Red, White and Royal Blue with a friend and she said 'honestly I hope the guys get together, but...' and I (having read the book) silenced myself with a herculean effort and watched her hopes come true. I didn't know about The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and almost dropped the book in a swimming pool. But I've also read and watched many things thinking, just maybe... oh, no. Still that hope existing is meaningful, the thought that if the story had gone differently, if this revelation had happened, if this realisation had happened, if, if, if...

Long Live Evil is a story about the story going differently and asking yourself questions about your own nature, and the escape to fiction of those who really need escape. The book is based on that 'if,' and the 'if' itself is joyous, and brings me back to the idea of gleefully transgressing the narrative that much villain love is based on.

It's also an ensemble story with a rogue's gallery of characters and multiple PoVs. (I was much inspired by the Six of Crows ensemble.) So it isn't about any one character's romance, and by the book's nature there exist many possibilities. A critique partner read and said 'I didn't know you were going THERE' and I responded 'Should I?'

I've never been one to confirm where stories are going, and I won't do so now. I'm not talking about any one character or telling you a direction.

I'm just saying yes to rep. It's baked in.

[not-poignant]

Sorry this is so long I literally cannot help myself:

I’ve been a reader on ao3 for a long time. This year, for the sake of giving my brain something new and in order to be a mysterious hottie on the metro, I’ve challenged myself to read some published books. It has been a really fun and very interesting experience. I could write essays of personal and literary reflections.

But, favorite author mine, one difference I did not expect, and in hindsight it should have been obvious, was the vast, essentially ideological difference in what is called smut.

I started reading the Court of Thorns and Roses series and it’s good, I’m having a good time. But the thing is, everyone calls it faerie smut. And I guess it must be. When I heard faerie smut and decided to give the series a try, my faerie smut background came from ao3, namely fae tales and the ice plague.

“With each thrust I felt his love and saw the stars” really has nothing on “my entire family burnt and now my lover has his hands in my mouth and up my ass while he heats me up so thoroughly I’m basically delirious and then our sex mentor wine aunt was hungry and told me I was doing good while he drank my blood and his lover who is also the king casually reads nearby likely with bits of flesh stripped off him as an act of sacrificial love.”

The thing is, the sex scenes I’ve read in Sarah J. Maas’s series don’t really… do much. Regardless of crazy scenario, essentially every of the many erotic scenes in the fae tales verse either moves the plot forward, is essential to character development, or showcases emotional intimacy. (Which, tangent, is why you’re more recent works that generally showcase way less sexual content still feel so similar because the plot is still moving forward, characters are still developing, and the emotional intimacy is still so delectable.)

So anyway, reading book books has been really nice and a surprisingly reflective experience. I kinda forgot how little is considered scandalous by so many.

(And also, compared to ao3 which I usually read on my phone, it’s very difficult to read physical books while horizontal. Another plus for ebooks?)

Hi hi anon!

I'm glad you're enjoying the experience of reading 'book' books! :D I've heard many good things, and while I'm not likely to read it (I don't read cishet m/f if I'm not being forced to), I think it's awesome that it's going so viral and getting lots of folks into fantasy :D

As for the ACOTAR sex scenes, I haven't read them, but I feel like they fall into a certain kind of spicy sex scene being written right now that falls under 'explicit' for readers not used to seeing this stuff in fantasy, but absolutely kind of doesn't for people used to reading smut on AO3.

I find for myself, I can't handle these kinds of sex scenes because they're often over in like one or two pages and they feel very empty to me. They're not empty to many readers and I'm not trying to say they're empty overall, I just need a lot more emotionality, meatiness, and often character-based stakes.

Or I think about it this way: I've written sex scenes that are easily 6,000-9,000 words long. That's a tenth of a written standard-length novel. That's too long for novels. This is why you never see these kinds of sex scenes published anywhere except for erotica, and in erotica there's pressure to make the sex scenes shorter anyway. The only place where I know I can safely write sex to the length and breadth I want to is in serials, on AO3.

Authors in the mainstream book-writing world are kind of forced into a shape that fits the length of the book they're writing. If they write three very deep/lengthy sex scenes of the length that I write at, firstly they'd be thrown into the erotica dungeon (can no longer be searched for on most distribution websites), and secondly, that means they lose a lot of space for writing story, which for many of these writers does not happen during or because of sex scenes.

Authors can still sometimes write very hot sex scenes in a few hundred words, or one or two pages, don't get me wrong! But the vibe is different. I've never really liked sex scenes in anything published except for erotica, because it often feels... idk, like for example this line:

"“With each thrust I felt his love and saw the stars”"

Idk if this is canon to the book, but for me this means nothing. Why is the character feeling this way? What is it about the thrusts? What is it about the pose? Is it about eye contact? (And is this innately comfortable? How neurotypical is this character?) Undulation? Does he linger at the end? Is it because he circles his hips a certain way? Because that's not love, that's just talent.

I suppose for me, as a reader, I need explanations that let me understand why emotional shifts are happening in a sex scene. In the same way that I would need them in any other character change.

Other people I think can suspend their disbelief better and think 'wow that sounds amazing and hot.' I'm like 'I don't get it.'

And that's very much a me-problem! It's just a me-problem that I think I share with quite a lot of other readers, which is why we're all out here enjoying much longer sex scenes and then realise we can't really find them anywhere except for like... AO3, and some manhwa and manga and published erotica lmao. (I do think you're actually also more likely to find it in like f/f and m/m of any genre).

Anyway, on the flipside, some people find my sex scenes way too long and don't see the point. So all this stuff needs to exist for everyone! I just yeah, really like sex scenes where character stuff is happening. I can't write them otherwise, likely because I'm ace, and don't really find 'look at hot body = want to have sex' a thing that's relatable.

[the-thieves-gambit]

Mun Things

Tagged by : @7ndcvils @myriadxofxmuses @mywilliingheart (lygsm <3)

Tagging : the usual suspects (but don't feel like you have to do this) @never-surrender @clubsmarties @andrxsmarty @florxdexcerezos @rczepetalz @amused-bouche @inhumanhacker @muse-legion

NAME?: Vera, or just V. is fine

PRONOUNS?: She/Her/They/ Them

MOST ACTIVE MUSES?:  They all come and go, it also depends on my partner, if our plotting/hc is strong and there the muse is there alot

EXPERIENCE/HOW MANY YEARS?: way too long. I thing 20 about now.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?: Angst first, then fluff. Smut, I am very selective with who I write with.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?: either. depends on the plot/muse/inspiration. There are days I can write a whole essay and others where short and sweet is all that's needed

PET PEEVES?: I have to use what JuJu said when she tagged me in this : "When there's no understanding regarding real life priorities. Roleplaying is a hobby for many - an outlet from real life, and a lot of times real life gets in the way of roleplay/writing. So when there's a push from a partner to do a reply, it's an immediate turn off since my own personal life is so chaotic that there will be long periods where I simply cannot do a reply but I will respond via discord or messenger." Also when I make myself available and give them multiple avenues to talk with me but never reach out or reply to thoughts/messages.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE?: All my muses have a tiny piece of me. They are not self inserts, but I take a tiny seed of me and build off of that.

TIME TO WRITE?: lol sorry Juju copying you again here : "Honestly, I don't have set times" and what Mo Mo said "I don't have set times that I can sit down and write. I work on things both on my laptop and phone as the opportunities present themselves and write until I feel like a reply is done and ready for my partner to continue the story. So, the best times are any time during my waking hours." Also, I work full time, have a family of my own, have the family I was born into to look after, a niece that has a lot of health issues and I help care give for her too. I try to use mobile but a lot of times but its lost things I've wrote and I've cried over that. So whenever I have the moment to sit and write at home, mostly the weekends or late nights, times when I'm not needed by someone in my life but I am always around to respond to DM's for plotting/hc and discord as well.

[slaygentford]

hi um. as an opera enjoyer do you have any thoughts on gounod's romeo & juliette?

just dug through my absolutely unusable inbox (sorry I did that ask meme and never replied I got really busy :/) to find this again because I just saw it last night and I have a couple of points ie an essay. first off the libretto is fucking deranged you have the entirety of one of the greatest achievements of the English language at your disposal

and do this instead

which proves again that the only way to adapt Shakespeare is ballet/physicality/mime because it's the only way of not using his poetry that you can convey his poetry

adjacent is that obv above they're in their 20s-30s but with dance the acting comes across better bc it's the entire body whereas opera they've gotta stand fairly still and so you're very aware you're watching two 35 year olds do this same scene as 14/15 year olds only singing and singing bad verse besides.

point b leads into point b.5(?) which is I straight up don't like tenors. I've come to accept this about myself. I straight up dislike a tenor. grow up. why are you as a man a tenor. men should either be countertenors (I kno we all saw it six years ago and daily since but let's revisit) or baritone or bass. stop yelling. STOP IT!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!! oh MY god. as you can imagine this makes my life very difficult. not Gounod's fault. I understand that Romeo obviously cannot be a baritone.

b.5: in every French opera you inevitably have the one frenchman in the cast who instead of rolling the r's has decided to swallow them instead which just annoys me. thats the entire point I just dont like it I like French opera fine love it even but oh my godddddd stop it. stop it. get some help.

point d: all of that being said the music alone is absolutely. just absolutely. just absolutely absolutely. beyond beautiful. and obviously we're all there at least in part for the spectacle of it. I spent 43 usd to see her do this

and obviously that was the bargain of a lifetime and regardless of all of the above I'd go again if I had another 43 bucks to spend. Ive seen her as Violetta as well several years ago and I will say that her Violetta is what took me from a casual opera fan to my current state and I did SPECIFICALLY go see this for her. the chokehold this woman has on an audience is unreal and this + je veux vivre are just really stunning pieces of Gounod's so what can you do.

in conclusion to enjoy this opera you must pretend it is not Romeo and Juliet because it is not Romeo and Juliet. not to be dramatic but it's a garish pastiche that offends me on a base level and if I'd seen it in 1860 whatever when it came out I'd be saying that loudly and complaining for the ENTIRE carriage ride home. but it's 2024 and I can turn on the baz Luhrmann Romeo and Juliet so it's all good. it's sonically really lovely and a great showcase for any soprano

[iamyoursonly]

3AM (29/03/2024)

wrote this at 3am because i had a dream of him and i needed some hallucinations desperately <3 sorry for not posting for so long though, i had so many tests i could barely breathe :(

Late nights but no movie night, I’m just overworking myself, as I sit at the same spot for the 27th hour.

My tired eyes drag across the computer screen, lazy fingers typing the last few words with my keyboard to complete my long due essay. Headphones listening to pop music to keep my mind awake, well the unhealthy amount of caffeine also helped with that.

I take some freshly washed grapes that I previously prepared for myself and put one in my mouth, slowly chewing and getting a taste of how sweet the grapes are. Suddenly, my mind wanders to think of how it would feel like if there was someone to feed me grapes when I’m doing work.

I slap my face and take another sip of my coffee when my mind tries to wander away and think about that ‘homeless romantic’ crap again. I could’ve been doing that if my immature self didn’t choose to become a become a doctor. I just sigh and continue the essay.

Until I couldn’t, and I passed out on the table.

“My love? Are you alright?” A man whispered into my ear, his voice was so hot and addictive though. Complaining would be the last thing I would do honestly. But I had to get up and check who it was.

I open my eyes, slowly getting used to the light at my desk again, only to find the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my whole entire life. He was gorgeous as a greek god that only Zeus had crafted himself. His features as sharp as a knife, and he looked divine.

“Am I hallucinating?” I mumbled, and as if I said it out loud, the man whispered again. “No you’re not, sweetheart.”

Well I better be in heaven for working my butt off completing that stupid essay. Seeing that I’m face to face with this beautiful man, I’m 100% sure I spawned into the correct place after I died. So this is the after life, it’s not even half bad to be honest. Like just look at him, he must be my guardian angel that is on his way to guide me to the staircase to heaven. The staircase will definitely be as gorgeous as his eyes…

“Hello? Darling? Are you still with me?” He says again, and I leaned closer to admire his features. I whisper a soft “Yes, I am.” As I focus on his ocean blue eyes, and before I knew it, I was drowning in that ocean his eyes held. His eyes was blue like a beautiful sunny day, it was that shade of blue that everyone liked, and I couldn’t help but admiring them a little bit too much too.

“Earth to y/n?” He tries yet again, but this time I could just focus on how snowy white his hair was, it was as white as the whitest paint ever made, and it looked so beautiful and silky I couldn’t even describe how much I wanted to run my fingers through his hair.

As if he could read my mind, he grabbed my face and closed the distance between the two of us, and our faces were so close I could feel his breath… He can touch me! And I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I wasn’t. “Sir…?” I choked out, with his face so close to mine, I could barely control my pacing heartbeat, let alone my flushed expression. I could just stare into those captivating eyes of his and think about how beautiful he is… Honestly, even the most beautiful words cannot describe how spectacular he looks.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, and with us this close, I’m definitely not okay.

“May I ask who you are and why you’re here?” I ask, trying to put up a strong face, trying not to show my weak side.

“I’m Gojo Satoru,” he replies swiftly, without hesitation, “And I may come from the future but don’t freak out please. I’ll explain.”

I just look at him, not knowing how to react as my mind had suddenly gone blank from this shocking news. “Time travelling? That’s possible?”

He chuckled as if he knew how I would react, “How old are you, darling?”

“I’m 14.” I tell him, a bit curious about what he will tell me next. “I’m 29.” He tells me, “It’s 2024 right now, right? I was 16 during that time.”

It took quite a long moment of silence for me to process this new idea of time travelling that I never thought would happen in the near future. I just look at him and his smile as he moved away from me. The amount of questions I had started flooding my mind, I had to resist the urge to ask him all at once.

“So you’re in the year 2036?” I ask him, and I got my answer in a second.

“Actually 2037, it’s March right now, right? Well, I was born in December.” He said, with a smile.

“Why are you telling me all this? What do you want from me?” I started blurting out the questions I had in my mind for a while. And he just looked at me. “I just wanted to see if you met me yet, by that I meant my 16 year old self.”

“Huh?” I started to get confused, “What do you mean by that?”

“We’re dating, darling. In the future, and we’re engaged just last month in 2027.” He smiles, looking so happy I could almost know what to anticipate for the future, “You’re definitely the best thing that happened to me, I could see why I chose you as my wife.” I sat there in shock, not knowing the right words to say, but I felt a hot rush of heat on my face, I must’ve been blushing so hard when I heard him say that we will be engaged… I mean engaged with that man? What luck did I have to be able to pull him?!

“When will we start dating, may I ask?” I manage to choke out, and he laughs, making my face blush an even redder tone. Then he puts a finger up to his lips, as if telling me that it’s a secret, “Wait and see, it won’t be fun if I just spoil all the fun.”

His watch suddenly starts beeping really loudly, as if signalling him to go back, and I was right.

“Sorry darling,” he shows me his watch, and it shows that he had a minute left, “It’s time’s up for now, but I’ll see you later.” He just gave me a big hug and then he disappeared into thin air.

I still didn’t know how to react to that chain of information, I just sat still for a long time, so long that I could feel my butt hurting because of that. The wind blowing my curtains away from the touch of the windows, and that woke me up, that cold breeze of wind at night but with just a tiny bit of warmth to bring me the comfort I needed.

As if I needed something cold to continue this thinking, I head down the convenience store, in my silly pyjamas, I needed to get my daily doze of milk at 3am for better thinking. Not thinking that anyone would be there at 3am just like me, but I caught a glance of a tall guy with some snow white hair, and in that instant, I couldn’t stop my body from running towards that isle that he was in.

The tall guy turned to look at me, as I was panting from running so fast towards him, and he stared at me up and down, “Are you okay, miss?” I look at him, and I could see the sparkly ocean blue eyes I’ve just seen a moment before, but this person looked like a mini version of him — that Gojo guy. Even their voice sounded somewhat similar…

“I am, thanks for your concern.” I tell him, and he gave a slight smile before grabbing the last bottle of milk to the counter.

“Hey!” I call out to him, and he turned back to look at me, “What is it?” he says.

“I wanted that bottle too,” I say, a blush starting to creep up on my face, I think that explains the smirk on his face, “It might be weird asking but do you mind sharing?”

He just laughed out loud, breaking the silence in the air, and I just look at him with my blush creeping up my face so much faster than before. “So?” I ask again.

“I’ll just give you the bottle.” He tells me, then he heads to the counter to pay while I can’t even move my legs from embarrassment to stop him from paying for me. I simply stood in shock and waited for his return in the same position. He came back and gave me the bottle, I held onto the bottle tight and I maintained eye contact with him before he started leaving the store with both his hands in his pockets.

“Wait!” I call out, again, and he looks at me, “Would your name be Gojo Satoru?”

He didn’t necessarily respond but he did give just that tiny nod I needed to confirm, then he mouths the words, ‘I’ll see you later.’

master list

[confused-rat]

for a long while I could not figure out why LO would constantly send death threats or threats of violence and get her stans to follow along. Like that is online creator rule number one to not go after other creaters, especially if they are popular or well liked. Heck a creator from YouTube/Tiktok of the name of Casual Geographics used the community page to call out his fans for being shitty. Note , this is some one who just makes funny animal jokes, not someone who makes video essays.

I was always confused about this by a logical stand point. I don't think LO is some mastermind because if she was, she would never be reckless with what she did or said.

Untill I got my hands on a book called "Virtuous Violence : Hurting and Killing to Create , Sustain , End and Honor Social Relationships By Alan Page Fiske and Tage Shakti Rai" [Note, this book it a but outdated and annoyingly expensive book so please talke what I say with a grain of salt. Also i might explain concepts from the book poorly so sorry.]

Essentially, what the book suggests is that what if morals can be tied into the violence , instead of a lack of morals that cause the violence?

What do I mean by that? Alot of poeple know that doing things for yourself is selfish but potentially with a morality of committing violence for another , you can think that is better.

example of this happening? Look at how kids like to bully others so that they can get closer to the other kids who is helping bully another kid. Or how some one will hurt another if they hurtsd the perpetrator or someone who the victim wronged and the perpetrator.

Okay you might be thinking, how dose this tie into LO? Well notice how when LO gets talked about , the stans tend to go out of their to harass or silence critics? It's because that's thanks to LO framing herself as a victim and being very close with her fan base , LO can essentially give her fans a way to get close to her by getting then to attack other because they care. Those other hurt LO therfore you should harass others who hurt her , they deserve it anyways.

Now you might think I am contradicting myself but here me out. From what Courtney has said, things were not good when they were young so what might have happened it that when LO was young , she may have realized at some point, maybe I am just speculating, that maybe others will not hurt her is she bullies them first or gets others to go after anyone else. And maybe like her habit of habitual lying, she just keeps the behavior as she got older and never stopped, especially since it got her what she wants.

A feeling of control over others by using the fact that alot if poeple do not like her.

That does make some bit of sense, though I also want to add that I think Lily does most of what she does through the justification of “horrible people did this to me, so I can do it back”.

She’s been bullied, by awful people for sure, so she has rationalized that she can return that energy and somehow be exempt from all backlash as she was victimized first. Her followers included.

The problem is, not all of Lily’s critics are her harassers, but she refuses to differentiate the two. She wants her followers to believe her critics are the same people deadnaming her in the farms, when that just isn’t true.

Lily just cannot tolerate any form of counter-opinion or criticism being raised against her own. She is right, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and even if enough people tell her that she is wrong, then they are stalkers and bullies who can’t handle the truth.

She jokes about her opinions not being up to debate, lamp-shading her own stubbornness, but it’s easy to see it’s just performative self-ribbing for her fans, playing it off as a “oh that’s just Lily!” when it is quite literally the sad truth.

(The sad thing is that Lily could deal with a good 80% of her own harassment if she’d just turned anon messages off, but she refuses to. A likely indication of her own habit to send herself messages? Or is it to give herself and her fans all the justification they need to continue their own harassment campaigns? Probably a bit of both really.)

[kiwiana-writes]

For the fandom positivity thread:

The friends and the sheer amount of talent!!

I'm very very new to fandom and RWRB is my first. Getting to make ACTUAL friends that I talk to every day is so unbelievably cool and special to me. A few months ago, I had been talking to a non-fandom friend about how difficult it is is to make friends now as an adult because I'm not in an institutionalised space (school, uni, office) anymore. So I have to find friends in the wild. Then I fell into fandom and immediately found so much love and kindness. And all I really needed to do was hyperfixate and be myself.

And the reason I fell into fandom was because it's filled with incredibly talented humans and so many universes for my favourite characters. The possibilities are endless! And through the fic I read, art/ gifsets I see I find so much joy, support, and acceptance. It's truly unlike anything I've ever felt.

As for one of the things I enjoy about this fandom in particular? It's you and your fics! I have read ALL of your fics— some multiple times— and cannot shut up how much I adore them in your comments. Your fics bring me a lot of happiness and positivity, my friend!

I'm sorry I wrote you a whole essay T_T

I'm sorry you've been surrounded by so much negativity, that's sounds exhausting af. I hope my yapping helps you a tiny bit somehow!

Sending you lots of love, friend! 💛

I LOVE AN ESSAY. There really is so much to be said for fandom as a space where you don't have to pretend to be chill and unaffected haha, and where you get to find a bunch of people who are Extremely Fucking Invested in the same thing you are Extremely Fucking Invested in!

Also I'm gonna CRY that's so NICE.

(And to be super clear, what has me down at the mo is mostly Non Fandom Stuff, it's just making me more sensitive than usual to negativity and complaining everywhere in my life lmao. I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired I need JOY.)

[tell me what you LOVE about fandom]

[crazyskirtlady]

So I have been chanting the Medicine Buddha Mantra (also called Mantra of Sangye Menla or Bhaisajyaguru) and let me tell you all what's up!

I was originally seeking to clear some negative karma when I stumbled into this mantra, I usually chant the Vajrasattva Mantra for negative karma cleansing and when I went to find the video of the chanting for some reason the Medicine Buddha mantra popped up instead, curious?

I hadn't previously studied Sangye Menla (Medicine Buddha) so of course I immediately went to my books to find and read all about him.

Firstly I studied his 12 great vows:

And learned multiple pronunciations and structure of prayer:

And it did help with my negative issues, so I kept chanting (about 2 mala rounds every other night or so)

Now, I have some minor unaddressed health issues (who doesn't amirite?) and occasionally have flare-ups of these. A week or so into chanting The Medicine Buddha Mantra I had a flare-up and so I decided to double down on my chanting and get serious trying to activate the healing properties of this mantra. I am not going to lie and say I had some miraculous physical change BUT! I will tell you how much it affected my mental aspect! Normally any physical ailment makes me spiral into anxiety, panic and obsessive negative and intrusive thoughts, but this time with the chanting of this mantra I was... oddly calm? I knew what to do to physically help myself what medicines to take (normally my panic and intrusive thoughts make it hard for me to take medicine) This flare-up was conquered in my mind so quickly that the physical issues didn't even impede my day-to-day as much as they had before. Interesting...

now you might say: CrazySkirtLady a calm mind is just a benefit of chanting mantra in general not to just 1 specific mantra!

And I would respond true! BUT! I have been chanting mantra for 12+ years and no mantra I have chanted before has ever affected my physical body as much as The Medicine Buddha Mantra (except The Green Tārā Mantra but that is for another essay)

The caveat to all this rambling is that besides my minor physical issues I have 1 huge and major physical issue that has plagued my whole life; my weight. At times in my life I have been severely underweight, even malnourished and fluctuated to hugely overweight. I could never seem to really control my relationship to food. Either I hated it and starved myself or obsessive negative thoughts sent me running to snack again and again until I was sick to my stomach which led to a battle with binging and purging which of course after years of that caused ibs(womp womp)

(⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠)Woo, getting deeply personal yall sorry, just bear with me.

So, I had been chanting The Medicine Buddha Mantra for about 5 weeks every night when I suddenly noticed something huge: I hadn't been battling my food issues this whole time. Meaning for me I was just unconsciously eating 1 medium meal a day with a small snack in the afternoon and then no other thoughts of food. No obsessive snacking or starving! No intrusive thoughts telling me I needed to load up on laxatives and no negative emotions driving me to snack and snack incessantly! Big deal here people because when I say I have never had an easy mental association with food I cannot stress to you how much of a battle it was to either eat or not eat!

So what does this all mean?

We are all on our own journeys, finding our Truth and walking the path of our soul. I can only share my personal experiences and maybe someone will find their own Truth in that as well. If my incoherent babbling in any way rang a bell with you then I might suggest checking out Sangye Menla and The Medicine Buddha Mantra, maybe it resonates with you and any struggle you may be facing.

Blessings to All 🙏🏾

reminder that anyone of any faith or no faiths can chant mantras, you don't have to identify as Buddhist to chant mantras and receive their benefits.

disclaimer I am an Chaøte so my practices are mixed and as always I define what My Truth is.

[jungkoode]

biggest ick as a reader? writer?

OH MY GOD, where do I even START? (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ

I'm actually a ridiculously picky reader, which probably comes from being overly critical of my own work (looking at you, 3AM rewrites). Like, there are certain things that will make me click away faster than Jungkook avoiding emotional intimacy in my fics:

Grammar and punctuation are HUGE for me. I physically can't with lowercase fics - I know it's an aesthetic choice but my brain just goes windows shut down noise. Weird phrasing or pacing? BYE. And don't get me started on basic coherence and consistency... Like if your character hates coffee in chapter 1 and is suddenly a barista by chapter 3 with no explanation, I have QUESTIONS.

And OH MY GOD, the DETAILS. Or lack thereof. Like, they're making out and suddenly they're naked? EXCUSE ME, what happened to their clothes? Did they evaporate? And the logistics... His hands were on her hips two seconds ago, now they're on her mouth - is he Mr. Fantastic? EXPLAIN. Also, condoms just magically appearing (or worse, not appearing at all)? In this economy? I don't think so.

Don't even get me started on super short chapters that end right when things are getting good. Like yes, I too enjoy emotional edging, but COME ON. (Which is why I always say "oh this chapter will be 3k" and then it's 9k because I'm a chronic liar and I have no self-control ╥﹏╥)

But the thing that really gets me is poor character development and half-baked secondary characters. I need the side characters to feel like actual people with their own lives, not just convenient plot devices who appear when the main couple needs relationship advice (looking at you, generic best friend character who only exists to say "you should tell them how you feel" ╥﹏╥).

That's actually why I'm so obsessive about developing all the relationships in FMU - like YES, we're here for the Jungkook x Reader spice, but you're gonna get Jin's coffee shop shenanigans and Yoongi's secret cat-feeding escapades whether you like it or not because that's what makes a world feel REAL.

I think what it comes down to is... I write what I desperately want to read. Like, I LOVE fanfiction with my whole heart, but there are very few fics I truly cherish because I have this endless mental checklist (blame my ADHD hyperfixation on storytelling). Most fics I find aren't as developed as I crave, which is literally why I thought "FINE, I'll do it myself" and here we are, 42k words deep into emotional repression and sexual tension (￣▽￣*)ゞ

But this is just my perspective! Everyone has different things they look for in fics. I just happen to be an overthinking gremlin who needs everything to make SENSE.

(Also sorry for the essay, once I start talking about writing I literally CANNOT shut up. Send help.)​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[mitigatedchaos]

Could you provide some general book reccs, something to get a person back into critical thinking, politics, philosophy, tbr understanding the world and reasoning in general. Non-obligation obv, appreciate the blog a lot either way!

Probably helpful contextualizing info: had a seizure when I was 18 that led me to having way worse word recall, memory, ability to concentrate, etc. Lost a decent bit of knowledge. I have over time managed to get back to being able to read 100+ pages a day from like, 5, and I am not as dumb I think. The problem is I did this with relatively simple material. I was reading my favorites, stuff along the lines of William's Stoner. Now I find myself struggling to read academic stuff outside papers and essays, and everything I get from those feels like it's missing foundational pieces or that I cannot parse the text in a properly critical way. It feels gross to come out of a twenty page paper with only a nodding head and SparkNotes summary in my mind to show for it.

I lost my reading ability around the time I started reading political theory, mainly leftist, like kapital and conquest for bread. I would say im at that level again with sustained effort. I have drifted from commie-ism so really any work you would consider useful to interpreting the current world we find ourselves in would be lovely. Sorry about this broad request, your stuff is partially responsible for reigniting my passion and belief in myself to learn more despite it's new difficulty. I appreciate that and either way hope you have a good year.

Quick response: not sure if you're talking about the slicing and dicing of ideology, or just general knowledge.

My recommendation: have you tried reading an introductory microeconomics textbook?

You could buy a used one or just look at a free one online. If that's too much required background, Wealth of Nations is long but was written before Econ was really a thing.

I use CS (bits, bytes, costs of information processing, abstraction), Econ (incentives, equilibria), Business (basic organizational theory), basically.

[superpyodan]

would very much like to hear about kenny and evelyn's relationship thank you <3

bless you 😭😭 <3

as always this is very long but i think it's important to paint the whole picture, please bare with me!!

so, important to note, Kenny doesn't have a great relationship with his mum for a very long time. he doesn't rekindle his relationship with her until his third year in PT, and he hadn't spoken to her for ... many years prior to this.

evelyn and george knew Kenny's grandpa (also named Kendal, lol), and evelyn specifically had a hell of a lot of respect for him. they were good friends! kenny's grandpa was a pretty beloved member of the community.

so, when kenny comes to PT, evelyn is all over him, obviously. she invites him over for dinner multiple times, tells him stories of his grandpa, and she really, truly sees kenny's grandpa in him. they're both very gentle, caring people. she loves kenny just as much as she did his grandpa.

so, obviously, when alex and kenny become friends, she's really happy about this! she's glad alex has a friend who isn't haley, and she truly believes that kenny is a good influence, of sorts, on alex. for a long time, prior to K+A friendship, she was very worried about alex. he was kind of... closed off? his only friend was haley (and emily, by association) and he didn't really do much. alex was fine, she didn't have much reason to worry about him, but there was, obviously, the gay thing.

alex's lack of understanding about / his willingness to accept his sexuality really held him back as an individual, because it was somthing he was very insecure about. evelyn had her suspicions (as did literally everyone, lol), but she didn't know anything for sure, and never brought it up with alex.

she figured out pretty quickly that there was something other than friendship going on, but again, never pushed it, never said anything. UNTIL, summer of year 2, when A+K stop talking for a few weeks (this is because Kenny asked Alex to make their relationship official, and Alex rejected it due to his insecurities). she talks to kenny about it, but doesn't tell him her suspicions explicitly, but. you know. heavily implies that she knows what's going on.

she talks to Alex not long later, then other things ensue, blah blah blah. but here's the point i'm trying to make (LMFAO):

kenny and evelyn are family. she claims him as family from the second she meets him, because to her, Grandpa Kendal was also her family. She had kept in touch with Kenny's mother up until his brother's death. she knows Kenny in more ways than he's aware of, and was willing to accept him from the get-go, whether alex was involved or not. she treats him in the same way a blood-related grandmother would, in her Evelyn way -- Feeding him, checking on his wellbeing, asking about his life and genuinely seeking him out in order to spend time with him. even after Kenny and his mother reconcile, Evelyn is more of a 'mother' to Kenny than his own mum ever is.

kenny, who's been deprived of a 'family' for so long (dead brother, poor relationship with his parents, his dad never comes back into the picture) appreciates evelyn so, so much. truly, he loves her the same as he would a family member, too. he appreciates her support, her wisdom, and absolutely adores her & alex's relationship. it's all very sappy and meaningful and emotional for him. they become very close once K+A are in a relationship -- He visits her regularly when Alex is out of town for gridball, and makes sure that he makes sure she's well and healthy. keeping her company, you know?

okay i think im done. sorry, i literaly cannot help myself from writing borderline essays (in fairness, i did say 'don't get me started'). but thank you for asking! <3

[lockandkeyhyena]

hey, reaching out to you as a csa survivor who was abused in a very similar fashion to the victim in your hell story (though my abuser was an older student rather than a teacher) sending this on anon because ummmm anxiety haha

i dont really have much to say other than i think what you're writing is very important and needed. i personally had a really difficult time with the idea of a story that centers a possible "redemption" (for lack of a better term) of an abuser. it brought up an inner conflict that i've been dealing with in my head for a long while between a big part of my values being "restorative justice is absolutely the way to go and endless punishment will not help anyone" and the the angry, broken child within who keeps clawing at me and wailing "i hope they suffer and burn for eternity for what they've done to and took from me"

i suppose my hurdle is that the thought of seeing my abuser as anything more than a monster that took advantage of me is really really difficult, and something i still struggle with to this day. i'd much rather think of them as a demon that lurks in my memories rather than a person who is still alive and breathing today. that thought is just unbearable to me.

but stories like this and related topics have forced me to think genuinely to myself if i would actually feel better if i knew that they were being tortured for eternity for what they've done. it feels like such an elementary concept that has been taught time and time again (a victim's burning want for revenge and the impact such an angry mindset has on any possible healing is a concept that im exploring in my own story) but its one that i keep returning to with no definitive answer. im slowly beginning to land on the conclusion "no matter what i do or what becomes of them, what happened happened and i cannot dig at or punch or scream at the past to get it to change. all i can do is focus on myself, my future, and healthy ways to heal from it. i will never forgive them for what they did to me but i can only hope that wherever they are, they aren't hurting anyone else."

there's still a small but vocal part of me that hopes they die in the worst ways imaginable, but conversations like these and the media that sparks them allows me to realize that despite how awful and disgusting they are, abusers are still human. their actions cannot and should not be justified, but they're still human. and even though that thought process is still very difficult for me to fully comprehend - and i will never not hate an abuser, and i will never forgive them either - being able to examine beyond their actions and why the gut reaction of dehumanization can be destructive in multiple ways is important.

wow i did NOT mean to write this much haha im really sorry for putting an essay in your inbox, i just figured that getting a survivor's perspective and what type of inner conflict a story like this can spark in us would be valuable to you in some way. sorry if this is incomprehensible i have a lot of Feelings about it clearly.

but tldr this is a long-winded way of encouraging you to continue with this project. your intentions are clearly good and its obvious that you plan to handle this topic in a brutally honest yet respectful way, which is honestly all i can ask for lol

this is. just so kind, thank you so much for your words of encouragement <3 it means tons to me. this story is very special to me and i plan to handle it in the most responsible way i can

[silas-png]

trauma dump? ig? idk anymore im too tired for this

FOR CONTEXT: I'm a minor-- I will not say what exact age out of privacy reasons-- and going through a conflicting time for myself. I would like opinions, honest opinions if you have the time to read this essay of a trauma dump. If you don't want to, scroll past, by all means.

I really just want to know what's going on. I've looked it up on Google and researched several websites and from my experiences, it seems like it could be psychological trauma/ abuse, or parental manipulation, but that's just a guess. I, unfortunately, cannot seek professional help solely because I don't want my parents to treat me worse because of them finding out about my accusations.

---

Can parents support your gender identity and still be homophobic in action towards you? 'Cause like, my parents and family use my chosen name and chosen pronouns, but my parents tend to often gaslight me and/ or manipulate me(saying things along the lines of "I guess I'm just a bad parent", "You're only saying sorry to yourself" and never apologizing for their actions or taking the time to say the simple word of 'sorry')-- this all started after I came out-- and have never believed a word I say. They also place blame on me for things I didn't do sometimes and often bring up past events or faults that I have simply because. On top of this-- and a part that I honestly understand-- my parents do not allow me access to gender-affirming care or hormone-blocking pills. This is because I live in a homophobic state, but the only off thing about this is I have a friend who's trans and taking the Big T and hormone blockers, and he's not an adult.

On the topic of being trans-- or just LGBTQ+ in general-- my parents did not believe me at first. They thought I was being influenced by my transgender cousin, and straight up told me that I was wrong about myself. Then, after I came out as trans to them, they started to take me more seriously-- solely because of the situation in which I came out the second time. Which was them finding out I was self-harming-- it was a whole thing, they both found out I was doing that and was trans that day. funny story, actually, i still have trauma from that day.

My parents tend to blame all of my actions on my being a teenager and blame all of their actions on the fact that I'm a teenager. My parents also have the tendency to shrug off all of my mental health problems. For example-- and for those uncomfortable with the topic of sh, please skip past this to the next paragraph-- I used to self-harm for a couple years-- from ages 12-13/14. My parents found out twice and both times they did nothing. The second time I got a firm scolding from my mom, and my dad was disappointed. Since then they have never bothered to check up on how I'm doing mentally, or even bothered to care, for that matter.

My younger brother-- who's 11-- has become more aggressive in words towards me and very often finds some random reason to tear down my self-esteem-- knowing it's already low-- and he used to use my dead name as a form of making fun of me. As well as this, he's gained a sort of god complex over me. He seems to think that he's better than me, and it confuses me. He also does this then acts like nothing happened when my parents walk by, and he gets away with it. However, as soon as I make a jab at him, he's sobbing for my parents or straight up screaming insult after insult at me.

Also, for the record, my parents treat him better than they treat me because he's emotionally sensitive and I'm a bit of a bottler when it comes to emotions. However, they also treat him with more attention because he has an abundance of medical problems, but because of this they treat me like dogwater and him almost like the golden child. So, I want to know, am I just being jealous and/ or overreacting, or is this actually a problem?