#sorry for spiralling this post really took some turns while writing

[inciting-chaos-series]

j can you please make a corpse x reader where they are both publicly dating and as all internet couples do, get a fair amount of hate. but one day a specific comment gets under the readers skin so they distance themselves from corpse (lots of angst but with a good ending ?)

I'm sorry this took forever, I couldn't get my meds and went a lil crazy agh, also idk if this is any good tbh I feel bad at writing lately. Hopefully you like it though oof.

-J The Ghost

死 Requests Masterpost 死 Request Topics 死 Submit A Request 死

➢ Author: J The Ghost ➢ Pairings:  Corpse X reader | Corpse X y/n ➢ WC: ~4k ➢ Themes:  Hurt/Comfort? | Angst | Fluff | Happy Endings ➢ Warnings: Depression | Anxiety | Death Threats | Spiraling | Intrusive Thoughts | Cyberbullying? ➢ Summary: You and Corpse are publicly dating, you knew you'd get some hate, but you didn't actually think it would get to you like this...

Request: Hate Mail

You woke up from your nap to the sounds of several voices coming from the other room. He must be streaming… You thought groggily as you stretched and snuggled back into the covers enveloped in the scent of his cologne.  You pulled out your phone and checked the time, almost four… Jesus, he really had made good on his word, you didn’t even realize you could be that exhausted. As you scrolled through your socials you saw the notifications of most of his friends live streams. Sussy Sundays, of course, how did you forget? He really had taken it out of you earlier. 

You were grateful to have weekends off, allowing you to see him more than just any days you managed to get off work at a decent time, but you hated Sundays. You both took turns staying over at each other's houses and coming up with fun things to do together, but since he’d agreed to be a part of the Sussy Sundays, you had to find a way to entertain yourself. When he would stay at your house, it was easy to find things to do- dishes, laundry, and tidying up always needed done- but at his place, he mostly ordered takeout, and didn't really have enough stuff to ever accumulate messes, much less any laundry, so you were left to figure something else out. 

A few times he’d asked you to join in on games, or hangout and watch him, but if the viewers got wind that you were with him- everyone's chat would latch on and start blowing up about it. You hated the fact that you’d turn viewers' attention away from the streamers they were watching, which led to you feeling guilty for making even the slightest sounds despite both him and his ever supportive friends trying to actively involve you. 

Ever since the two of you had gone public, the internet had gone wild. In the beginning fans were pretty supportive and kind, but once Corpse started to post about you more and more, they quickly turned on you. It felt like the majority now was vehemently against the idea of your relationship. You knew that once it was public, you would get a lot of hate, but some of the comments were so hyper specific and vile- you couldn't help but be hurt. You always did your best to not read through them, or let him see when ones you did see affect you. You knew it was mostly young fans that were crushing on him and envious of you, but it all still seemed to leave you feeling drained, and anxious, an empty feeling of doom settling in with each critique. What if he saw merit in some of them? Sure most were shallow insults, but some seemed so spot on to you. 

Who even are they? They're nobody, why is he with them??

He probably felt bad- he’s just too nice…

He can do soo much better…

You weren't usually an insecure person, but it was hard to stay positive when you did kind of agree. You worked a normal job, lived an average life, and you weren't really into the world of streaming, even as a viewer. It was- at the least- confusing to understand why he would be with you over someone with a similar lifestyle, or had more in common with him. 

Tik Tok was your savior while he finished up with his friends. The algorithm only showed you the mind-numbing content you wanted to see, nothing about him or streaming at all. It was around 7:30 and you were halfway through a dinner recipe video when he finally entered his room again. 

“Have a good nap?” He smirked tiredly as he plopped down on the bed beside you. 

“So good…” You chuckled, saving the video before tossing your phone aside to snuggle up to him “How was the stream?” 

“It was fun. Everyone said to tell you hi…” He wrapped his arm around you and absently traced his fingers along your arm.

“Tell them I say hi too.” You smiled as you buried your face into his hoodie. “Your friends are so nice…” 

“Mhm… they really like you.” He chuckled. “Are you hungry yet? I'm starving…” You nodded and paused, still groggy from lying in bed. 

“Can we get pasta? I’m craving it so bad…” Your voice perked up at the thought of the recipe video.

“Of course,” he laughed at your enthused voice, “you better start getting ready though…”

“Were going out?” You looked up at him in confusion, it was rare he ever wanted to go out, especially so spontaneously. 

“Yeah why not? I mean… as long as you’re up for it?” 

“Y-Yeah, just surprised that you are…” You beamed up at him before mustering the energy to get up and get ready. You pulled your hair aside and headed to the bathroom to wash your face, peeking slightly in the mirror's reflection and catching glimpses of him changing from the bedroom. The cheeky blush across your face turned quickly to a hot embarrassment as you watched the black button-down settle across his lean shoulders. Your mind started flashing through images of all the comments deeming you unworthy of him. You turned your face away from the mirror and avoided eye-contact with yourself- knowing it would only cement those thoughts and sour your mood even more. 

You quickly brushed your teeth and headed back to the room, only to stare at the clothes you had brought in disappointment. Too loose you’ll look like a soggy cardboard box, too tight you’ll look like a shrink wrapped ham, too-

“You okay?” He chuckled from behind you as he fixed his shirt.

“Yeah… I’m fine.” You huffed out, grabbing at a random article of clothing and feeling yourself physically recoil at the thought of wearing it. 

“You don’t look fine- if you don’t wanna go out we can stay in…” He shrugged and examined your clothes with you. “You still have some other things in my closet you know… you don’t have to keep living out of your carry on bag. You can keep things here.” He laughed softly. 

“I- I know. I just… I don’t know- it's one of those days- you know?” You mustered up a small laugh. “Nothing feels right.” You shrugged it off. 

“I get it… let's just stay in.” He sat beside your clothes on the bed, offering a soft smile as he took your hands and pulled you closer .

“No, I want to go out…” You furrowed your brow a bit, irritated that you were letting it all affect you so much. “I’ll hurry up.” You pulled another few items of clothing out and headed back to the bathroom, not wanting to even think about him watching you change right now. 

You came back out after continuing to struggle through every aspect of getting ready while your mind attacked you. He sat up from scrolling his socials on the bed and quickly tucked his phone back into his pocket- a detail you wish your brain would find insignificant.

 “Ready?” He smiled and stood as you nodded. He grabbed his jacket and threw it on as you grabbed your things and started to head out with him. 

You were grateful for the comfortable silence as he drove to the restaurant, allowing you some time to try and change your mood. He’d put some softer lofi on the radio and let you silently watch as the streetlights flashed past your window. You weren't sure how he always seemed to know exactly what you needed, yet he always did. 

When you arrived at the restaurant you were surprised to hear he’d made reservations for the two of you. You couldn’t help but smile, despite the discomfort welling up that he’d chosen something more fancy than you had expected- or dressed for. 

“Wait, wait…” He hooked arm around your side, stopping you as you followed the host to the booth. He spun you into him in front of the elegant floor length mirror stood beside the entrance and pulled out his phone for a picture. You giggled at the quick cute gesture and posed with him, shutting your eyes as he snapped the pic to avoid any further mental spiraling. 

Dinner went by uneventfully, you stayed a bit more quiet as he excitedly told you about new songs he was working on, or vented about the issues holding up his new merch drop. It wasn’t entirely due to your bad mood, you loved seeing him enthuse about his passions and how animated he’d suddenly become. His whiskey toned eyes would light up and his excitement was palpable in the air, making even you more energized. It wasn’t until halfway through or so when you came back from the bathroom that things shifted. You caught sight of him looking up at you returning before tucking his phone quickly away again. 

“What’s that about?” You questioned lightheartedly with a laugh.

“Oh it’s nothing… Did you wanna get dessert?” He dismissed before swiftly changing the subject, but not before you caught a strange look on his face. 

“Okay Mr. Secretive… um, I think I’m full though.” You shrugged awkwardly as you looked down at your plate.

“You sure weren't saying that about the wine though…” He chuckled as he sipped his own glass.

“I- okay?” You rebutted, hesitating as you gave him a confused glance. “I was just trying to cure my bad mood…” You internally cringed as your voice came out more defeated and offended than you intended, seemingly proving his point that you’d had too much. It was only two glasses… am I really that bad? All that stupid pasta I kept shoving in my fat mouth absorbed it all- I don’t even feel drunk…

“Wh- no… baby I- I was just making a joke… I didn’t mean anything by it-” His face softened with concern. 

“No it’s fine… I probably have had too much- sorry.” You managed to squeak out, your face reddening with embarrassment. “Let’s just get the check…” I just want to go home now… Jesus Christ. You bit down on the inside of your lip as you heard the harsh, irritated sigh he let out. 

---

The drive back from the restaurant was insufferable, just as it had been for him to the restaurant. He wasn’t sure if even his knives could’ve cut the tension radiating from the passenger side. It was clear something happened but he didn’t know what. Before he’d gone to his office to join the stream everything was fine, but once he came back the mood had completely changed. 

“Are you- okay? Did I do something to upset you?” He asked as tentatively as he could upon getting back home. 

“N-No, I’m fine. I’m sorry I had too much to drink.” Your voice was still soft but had a bit of an edge to it. 

“I’m sorry I said that at the restaurant, I didn’t mean it like that at all. I meant it in like a- ‘it’s funny that you chose the wine over dessert…’ because I agreed- kind of way… I’m sorry baby.” He paused, taking your hands and tugging you gently closer as he kissed your forehead. “Y/n, If I did something to upset you, I wanna know, so I can fix it and make you feel better. You’ve seemed upset since I got off stream.”

“It… it’s fine, I’m just stupidly sensitive. I’m fine.” You ruined the entire night with him, great job. If he really wasn’t hiding anything on his phone earlier, he’ll surely start now. You huffed in frustration at yourself. “I should probably get home…” 

“W- Why? You always leave Monday mornings…” He asked, feeling his energy plummet as you continued to shut down. 

“I just have an early day tomorrow is all. I’m sorry…” You met his gaze, immediately wishing you hadn't as you offered a half smile to his heartbreakingly defeated expression. You pushed back the self-criticism as you went to collect your things, that could wait until you were alone in your car. He silently followed you back into his room like a kicked puppy and helped you gather your things, making your brain slew more insecurities about him wanting you gone. Once all your stuff was in your bag he walked you out to your car while you said your goodbyes. 

“Please drive safe…”

He’ll just feel guilty if something happens…

“...text me when you get home…”

He feels like he has to say that… you’re so fucking sensitive. He walks on eggshells with you.

“I love you…” 

No he doesn’t, why the fuck would he? 

The drive back home continued that way as you dissociated the entire time, only letting the tears fall once you were back inside your own house. After having a small breakdown over the bullying your brain had done, you texted him you were home before collapsing down into your bed- exhausted by it all. You were ready for any solace you could get from mindlessly scrolling your phone, though it seemed the universe had something else in mind. You opened your instagram to check messages from your friends but were promptly bombarded by a photo he’d posted of the two of you from the restaurant. He’d put some goofy angel and devil emojis over your faces that you tried to let yourself laugh at but couldn't muster at the moment. He’d captioned it ‘LOMFL 😍🥵’ that got a small smile out of you, but not without a scoff. It wasn’t really until you tapped on the comments, you felt your gut tighten. The first few were various heart emojis from Rae, Tina, and Sean- but below that it took a turn. His fans attacked everything about you, your outfit, your weight, even your personality- as if they even knew you. But it didn’t stop there, some crazed fans had gone as far as finding you somehow- despite him never tagging you- and DMing your personal account even more vile things, even death threats. You wanted to vomit. You wanted to scream and show them how awful you could really be, but mostly you wanted to make yourself stop believing them. You didn’t want any of it to be true… but you were now convinced it was. 

The next day you kept your phone completely off, even going as far as deleting all your socials before shutting it off. In the morning meeting with your boss you informed her your phone wasn’t working and email was how you should be contacted from now on, so you wouldn't even need it on for later. You went about your daily tasks at work completely numb, doing everything you could to keep yourself too busy to think. Of course, that only worked at work, at home it was entirely different. The next few days turned to weeks as you cleaned like you never had before, you rearranged furniture like you were suddenly trying to fit four Alaskan king sized beds in your home, you went to the store and meal prepped- full well knowing you’d have no appetite, you binged several of your favorite shows entirely. 

By the third week, you’d fully run out of tasks to keep the thoughts and anxiety at bay. You scrolled through Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon- finding nothing. Out of either habit or some subconscious cue about the anxiety of not texting the only person you wanted to at the moment, you opened up Youtube. You rolled your eyes and groaned softly but scrolled through the videos anyway, cringing as the recommendations of Sussy Sundays and various other videos with your boyfriend popped up. You felt incredibly guilty about not talking to him. It wasn’t like the two of you talked non-stop, or that he’d be mad, you were just sure with the way you’d left things he was likely worrying about you by now. As you continued to scroll you saw a live video pop up in your suggestions, of him. He’s live? Why is he live? He doesn’t stream anymore… You were already anxious, but after reading the title ‘we need to talk…’ you started to feel sick. You hesitantly clicked the video and his voice rang out from your TV. 

“...I really don’t give a fuck how you guys feel or what you fuckin think…” He paused, presumably reading the chat. “I know it’s not all of you… but those of you that are commenting this shit… I don’t wanna fuckin see it- I don’t everr wanna see this shit again… if you like my content but come into my chat, or friends chats, or on twitter.com or instagram and say that shit… fucking unsubscribe right now, fuck you. Get off the fucking internet, it's disgusting.” You took in a deep breath as anxiety welled up more, why was he doing this? “I’ll straight up never put out another thing ever again if this keeps happening. I know that people are always gonna be assholes, but if you’re a fan of me or whatever- and saying this fucking shit about my partner? Go fuck yourself. I don’t want your fucking support…”  

You stared at his animated figure standing in the rain blankly and opened up your laptop, starting a video call to him. You waited for a while as he went silent on stream before it was denied. Is he mad at me? It’s all my fault- fuck.

“Anyways- I just thought I’d get on here and reprimand you fucks… and to all my actual fans, being kind and supportive, thank you, and keep reporting these people- love you guys… oodles and oodles… keep being you- I’m sorry you guys had to hear this… love you.” 

 You tried again as the stream ended. Again denied. Fuck he’s pissed… Because of me he had to get on after not streaming anymore and do that- fuck… You took a deep breath and tried to not overthink. Maybe he’s just sick of your bullshit. If he was worried or he’d been trying to contact you at all, he probably would’ve answered. You fidgeted nervously at the thought. I’ll just start a new show- keep my mind off this… You shut your laptop and dejectedly threw it aside on the couch before getting up and grabbing some blankets for another night of Netflix. 

You were two episodes in when you decided to grab a snack but just as you paused the show and stood, there was a knock on the door. You looked over, and cautiously moved toward it. Peeking out the peephole you saw what looked like an outraged figure of your boyfriend standing outside. You felt icy panic run through you as you grabbed the handle and twisted, preparing yourself for the worst.

“You’re okay…” He sighed in relief as his whole body relaxed. 

“I- Y- yeah… I- I’m fine.. What are you-” You tried to play catch up, still in shock to see him at your door, let alone not yelling at you. 

“You haven’t answered your phone- for anyone- in like a month…” He seemed to pant out. “I tried to give you space and not worry too much when you weren't answering, but then you deleted your socials, and then didn’t answer Tina, or Rae… or me… I was… scared.” He paused and caught his breath. “When you video called me I panicked, I thought you were in trouble or- I- I don’t even know… I just rushed over.” He stepped in and yanked you into one of his enveloping bear hugs. You stood motionless, mostly from how tight his arms were around you, but partially from even more surprise. Here he was, yet again, proving that he knew you better than anyone- and certainly better than you knew him. The guilt of not talking to him only grew now. How could you have ever thought any awful things about the panic stricken, devoted, heart-of-fucking-gold man that was seemingly holding onto you for dear life? 

“I- I’m sorry…” You squeaked out, faltering under his obvious concern. He sighed again and released his hold but kept his hands gently on your arms. 

“Please don’t do that again… If you need space that's okay, but please just tell me… I- I didn’t know what to think- or do…” He knelt down to your level slightly, his face full of worry as he seemed to practically beg. 

“I’m sorry…” You swallowed hard, feeling your face heat as your voice wavered. 

“I-It’s okay… I- I’m not mad… I just wanted to know you’re safe- cause I worked myself into a panic not knowing- I’m sorry I just showed up out of the blue…” He took a deep breath. “If you still need space that's okay I just- I was really worried. I know I’m probably overreacting…” 

“No… I just… I don’t know-” You looked down at your feet, the guilt consuming you now as he continued to prove every horrible thought you had about him wrong. 

“Do you want to talk?” He questioned hesitantly as his mind began reeling in the same way yours had. You just nodded, looking up as he closed the door and looked back to you, eyes still full of worry. 

You moved back to the couch and curled up into the blanket, comforting yourself and trying to hold back tears of guilt over how you’d acted toward him. He slowly moved to sit by you. 

“What’s going on? A-are you upset with me?” He stuttered nervously, also anticipating the worst. You shook your head and shut your eyes as they welled up. It all felt so stupid now- but the constant harassment, death threats, and insults had done a number- and having him here, almost completely in the dark about it all but still so kind and loving was just too much all at once. 

“Oh- baby… shh come here.” He soothed melodically as he pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you tightly again. “Please talk to me.” His voice was soft and quiet as he pressed kisses onto the top of your head. 

“I don’t wanna cry- it’s stupid…” You managed to mumble. 

“It’s not stupid- something is really bothering you… is it the comments and shit?” You nodded. 

“It’s all of it- I- I don’t know why you’re even with me…” Your voice cracked and broke. 

“Y/n, I’m with you because I’m in love with you- I wouldn’t ever let the opinions of fucking dumbass ten-year-olds with no internet supervision change or dictate that…” You cringed as you heard the offended tone in his voice. 

“I know… I just… I let my brain believe it all… and I feel shitty… and that just makes me wonder even more why- because I do shit like this- even though you’re nothing but amazing and loving to me…” You choked out between sobs. 

“You’re not shitty…” His tone softened even more as he pulled your face up. “I have no idea what it’s like to go through that, and how you can even deal with it. Most people don’t. I knew it was hard to see, and if I had any idea that you’d been this upset about it for this long I would’ve stopped it right then and there…” He kissed your forehead and wiped off your tears. “I’m so sorry baby… I should’ve known.” You shook your head. 

“I should’ve just told you… but I felt so stupid- letting it get to me- I wanted to just come home and clear my head and get over it… but then it got worse and I just I don’t know, I couldn't deal.” He pushed your hair from your face and let you continue after the sobs began to slow. “Now I just feel guilty and shitty for avoiding you- avoiding all of it, not telling you… especially when you are… like this- so nice, and understanding.” You scoffed harshly at yourself, making him chuckle.

“Don’t. It’s a pretty understandable way to react… I’m sorry honey…” He leaned in and kissed you softly. “Would it help if I pretend to be mad at you?” He joked lightly as you parted. You let out a weak but honest giggle and gave an exaggeratory nod. He laughed and tsked loudly. “I can’t believe it… how could someone so goddamn attractive, funny, kind, and lovable think that I’d be dumb enough to see any warrant to the words of fuckin dipshit kids? To think that I’m not already blindly and completely head over heels? I’m disappointed…” He mocked in a goofy tone.

“Shut up…” You laughed, wiping your face and pushing him playfully. 

“I love you dummy.” He chuckled and kissed you again. 

“I love you too, Corpsie.” 

[ageofhearingloss]

Talk ⎮ Sam Kiszka x Reader

a/n: i've got hozier on the mind, people! sorry! this idea has been banging around in my head for a while, and since i can only write angst, here y'all go (sammy nation, just email me an invoice for your therapy) ((and look at the lyrics to this song!))

thank you @sacredjake for the pic (credit to owner!) and @gold-mines-melting for editing and being my second set of eyes; it truly takes a village lol

pairing: asshole!sam kiszka x fem reader

summary: you hated sam, you really did, but one fateful night he gets under your skin in more ways than one.

warnings: 18+, explicit sexual content, minors DO NOT INTERACT!!! angst, alcohol consumption, stubborn mean asshole sammy (my guilty pleasure), petty y/n (she is by no means blameless LOLLLL) degradation, name calling, hate sex, unprotected p in v (please be safe, folks), fingering (f receiving), oral (f receiving), spanking, choking, pls let me know if i missed anything!

word count: 8.3k

You couldn’t stand his face. The cadence of his voice. The smirk that would splay across his lips when he found another woman to lead on only to inevitably gaslight her and leave her hanging once the night was through. You really couldn’t stand any of it.

And now, posted up on the side of the bar with your friends, you were seeing red watching Sam comb his fingers through some innocent woman’s hair as he leaned in close to her to undoubtedly whisper a slew of nonsense. 

“You know, you really shouldn’t let him get to you as much as he does,” your best friend, Danny, murmured, shaking you from your spiraling thoughts. “He’s way more harmless than he looks.”

You sighed, turning your head back down to the drink in your hands that was now mostly water and melting ice. 

“Did you really have to bring him with you tonight? Like, I know he’s your friend and your brother and all, but-”

Josh clapped you on the back, signifying his return from wherever he scampered off to. 

“That’s right, mama, he’s our brother. Unfortunately, we’ve had to learn how to live with his antics, and you might as well, too.”

The glare you shot Josh had him retreating his hand from your back, slowly backing away with arms raised, signifying his surrender as a chuckling Jake took the spot beside him.

“Yeah, well you might want to give him that pep talk, too, Josh. I know he feels the same way about me as I do him.” Jake’s smile only widened as he brought his glass to his lips, muttering something that wasn’t quite loud enough for your ears to pick up, but earned him a jab in the stomach from his twin.

The blood pulsing through your veins was beginning to turn scalding hot as you turned to take in the scene that was unfolding between Sam and his mystery woman of the night. He now had his arms snaked low around her waist, kissing and nibbling at her ear as she blushed and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders. 

“Relax your jaw, honey, you’re gonna give yourself a headache,” Danny cooed from over your shoulder, bringing a reassuring hand to the middle of your back as you continued to stare, imagining lasers darting from your eyes to shoot right through Sam’s head. 

“How can you all tolerate,” you gestured towards Sam, “this? It doesn’t bother you at all? His blatant disrespect for any woman that walks the earth?”

“Of course it bothers us, darling,” Jake started, coming up beside you to watch Sam as well, “but you know Sam. He is never going to quit doing something unless he finds out the hard way for himself, no matter what any of us tell him. One of these days Karma will get him, and I personally can’t wait to watch.” 

He was right, of course, and that was one of the things that drove you craziest about Samuel. Sam was headstrong and stubborn, refusing to listen to any advice given to him and always getting burned in the long run, even if he didn’t realize it at the time. He was arrogant, smug, self-righteous, and always had to have his way, and the thought of him using this poor girl to his own advantage only to gaslight her and leave was about the last thing you could tolerate. 

The worst part of it was that you had always secretly found Sam attractive, and sometimes there would be an all-knowing flash in his eyes when you two were bickering that suggested that perhaps he actually liked getting a rise out of you. The curve of his smirk, the twinkle of his honey-brown eyes, he had to know. And it all pissed you off further. 

You hadn’t realized that you zoned out, still locked on Sam, until his eyes met yours. The woman he had in his arms was now buried in his neck, reciting whatever sweet nothings Sam had definitely spewed to her, and once his gaze found yours, a sinful smile began to creep up on his lips. 

Fuck him. 

Flustered, you turn back to the bar, dropping your head to try to hide your rising blush from Danny and the twins. You had to get out of there. 

“I’m gonna run to the bathroom quick, I’ll be right back,” you explained as you shot off your barstool, knowing that the bathrooms were just past Sam. The company of three hummed in acknowledgement, already deep within a conversation about the studio session they had earlier that day. 

You didn’t know why you felt this way. Sure, you hated the guy, but why was he able to get under your skin so easily? Every action he made ignited a new fire within you, every word that dripped from his plush lips was poison to your ears. And you knew it was childish, but you had to do something to not let that girl be a pawn in another one of Samuel’s selfish chess games. 

You knew it was extremely childish as you approached the couple, slightly hip-checking Sam as you stormed past, causing a gasp to tumble from him as he bumped into the woman before him, causing him to spill his drink down her front. You didn’t stop to apologize even though your right mind was telling you to turn around and grovel on your hands and knees for forgiveness; no, you continued on your path to the ladies restroom, a satisfied smirk playing on your lips. 

~~~~~~

You were leaning over the sink touching up your lipstick when the faint click of the lock sounded from the door. Through the reflection in the mirror, you could see Sam entering the bathroom and turning the lock before he settled his weight up against the wood, arms crossed and a purely sour look on his face. 

“I believe you’re looking for the room next door, Samuel,” you started, placing the cap back on the bullet and straightening before the mirror, tousling your hair slightly. You needed to keep your hands busy; you’ve never seen him this angry and you knew you should be nervous, but you were too busy damning yourself for the heat that flooded to your face and the sudden clenching of your thighs. He was pissed. Good. 

“That was a low blow, even for you.” His voice was gravelly and hoarse, any semblance of playfulness worlds away from the shitty dive bar that you two occupied. You watched Sam as he shoved off the door, stalking towards where you stood only to stop short a few feet behind, his eyes burning into your reflection. “I could’ve sworn there was a hint of jealousy in your eyes when you were admiring me from across the room.”

Your stare darkened and your jaw tensed. 

“You can only be jealous of something you want, Sam, and the last thing I want to be is your conquest for the night.” 

The sides of his mouth twitched in what you could’ve sworn was going to be a smile, but he masked his amusement quickly as he inched closer to you, a lion stalking its prey. 

“You’re really telling me you just happened to trip and fall into me, doll?” The nickname left his lips with a condescending tilt of his head. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

Having had enough, you dropped his glare, throwing your lipstick in your bag and whirling around to face him, leaning your weight slightly on the countertop behind you. 

“Fine,” you relented, crossing your arms, “but it was never because I was jealous, let me make that fucking clear. It’s because you’re one of the biggest self-righteous assholes that I have ever met and I couldn’t watch you ruin yet another woman's night beyond some club soda spilled on her shirt.”

“I’m pretty sure I was about to make her whole night, Y/n, not ruin it.”

“Really?” You were certain steam was coming out of your ears at this point. “What was going to be your excuse tonight, hm? Telling these people exactly what they want to hear despite your worst intentions,” you dared a step closer to him, “deceiving them, convincing them that you want “the exact same thing” that they do, when all you want is a pretty plaything to warm your dick.” One more step closer. “Making them all trust you before you leave in the middle of the night and block their number, never to be seen again.” You were close enough to him now that you pressed your index finger to his chest as you seethed through clenched teeth, “You make me fucking sick.”

His hand wrapped around your wrist in a vise-like grip, hatred and something that looked like lust dancing in his eyes as he brought his face inches away from yours. “You could only wish that you were the pretty plaything I get to warm my dick with.”

That was the last thing you thought he’d say and it was obvious by how your jaw hung open, causing a low chuckle to rumble out of Sam’s chest. He threw your wrist down as he straightened and turned on his heel, heading for the door. 

With his fingers about to turn the lock, he threw you a glance over his shoulder,

“And you’ll catch flies in your mouth with that dumb ass look on your face.”

~~~~~~

Trying to settle your racing thoughts, you stalked back to where your friends sat at the bar, seemingly far more intoxicated now than when you had left them. You laughed under your breath as you approached them, setting your bag down on the bar and reclaiming your stool. 

“Daniel called Jake “Little Man” so Jake bet Daniel that he can hold his liquor better than him even though he’s shorter,” Josh leaned over to explain, a Cheshire cat grin on his face, “so now they’re in a pissing contest.” 

“Oh no,” you chuckled out, rubbing your hand in small circles on Danny’s back as Jake stuck his tongue out at him, “you know Jake can drink you under the table any day.”

Danny tilted his head to blink up at you, his eyes impossibly droopy. “I had to at least try, honey,” he managed to slur out, that dopey smirk you’ve come to love so much making an appearance.  “And you’ll never, EVER, succeed, you prick!” Jake shouted in his British accent as he slammed his hand down on the sticky counter, earning genuine belly laughs from the entire group and annoyed groans from the other patrons in the bar.

Josh hurriedly hopped off his stool, going to place an arm around his twin's shoulder. “And with that,” he shook Jake a little bit, “I think it’s our time to leave.” He coaxed Jake off of his stool, albeit a tad reluctantly, and closed their tab with the bartender. Josh turned to you, “I’ll get him home, do you think you can manage Daniel?”

“Yeah, do you think you can manage me?” Danny hiccupped, trying to get off his stool and stumbling a bit. “Yes, you big lug,” you wrapped your arm around his torso, making sure his own was secured around your shoulders as you tried to support his weight, “and I’ve dealt with you in far worse situations.”

He giggled as the two of you waved goodbye to the twins, Josh laughing as Jake staggered out of the front door. 

“Alright,” you turned your attention back to Danny, “you ready to go? You’re gonna crash on my couch, I don’t trust you to be out of my sight.” He let out a shocked gasp, his free arm moving to clutch at his chest in faux disbelief before he blurted out, “Sammy.”

Ugh, that’s right. Where the fuck was he?

You groaned as you scanned the bar, seeing Sam tucked away in a booth nearby with a new woman, the previous one shooting daggers from her eyes at him from her spot in a booth not too far away. You still had your arm wrapped around Danny as you barked out, “Sam! We’re leaving!”

Sam looked over at you with disgust, clearly upset that you interrupted him once again before he saw Danny tucked in your grip. 

“Ooooooh Sammy boy, it’s time to go hooooommeee!” Danny yelled in his best sing-song voice, and you watched in awe as Sam’s face shifted from anger and attitude to one of fondness and humor. He smiled at his friend, the admiration in his eyes shining through.

If only he could act this way with everyone. 

“Okay, okay asshole, I’m coming,” Sam laughed back from his seat, dismissing himself from his companion and swaggering over to you and Danny. Without saying another word, he pulled Danny’s other arm around his shoulders, the two of you supporting the weight of the drunken curly-haired man between you. 

Sam leaned forward a bit to catch your attention, “So, what's the plan?”

“I’m gonna take him to my place, get some Alka-seltzer in him before he passes out on the couch,” you explained. You appreciated that you both could drop the act for a second, more concerned about helping your mutual friend than bickering. “If you could just help me get him to my car, that’d be great.”

Sam nodded his understanding, but asked, “And are you going to be able to get him up the stairs to your apartment by yourself?” He had a good point, the stairs to your place were treacherous being that you lived on the fourth floor, the stairwell full of angled turns that you were sure you’d have to drag Daniel up. 

You sighed, “Probably not, would you mind helping me?”

Danny chimed in, “I can walk up the stairs just fine, thank you very much,” trying his best to convince you both but the tripping of his feet told you everything you needed to know. 

Sam smirked with a hint of fire in his eyes, intentionally ignoring Danny’s plea, “I thought you’d never ask.”

~~~~~~

“C’mon Danny, just a few more flights,” you begged, Danny dragging along like dead weight between you and Sam. Thankfully, the ride home had been bearable, Sam too focused on his friend to pay any attention to you as you drove. You were grateful for that fact, definitely less than pleased that Sam would be stepping through the threshold of your home even if it was for a good cause. The other men had been to your place plenty of times, but you had a strict rule about not letting Sam over. Didn’t want his energy in your space. 

“You got this, Dan, come on buddy,” Sam chimed in with you, readjusting Danny’s arm around his shoulder, hauling him up the stairs. Finally, you made it to the landing where your front door stood, and you shimmied out from under Danny’s arm as you fumbled for your keys. 

“I love you guys,” Danny mumbled out, wrapping his now-free arm around Sam and bringing him into a bear hug that had Sam laughing. You couldn’t help but chuckle too; your best friend was a sentimental drunk. 

“Yeah, we love you too, you flirt,” Sam said, clapping his hand on the man's back as you unlocked the door and held it open for them to stumble through. “I’m not a flirt,” you heard Danny say, almost unintelligible as they passed you and headed over to the couch, thankfully not too far from your front door. You watched for a minute as Sam set Danny down on the cushions, then immediately crouched down in front of his friend and began untying the laces of Danny’s beat up Vans.

You remembered Danny’s words from earlier that night: “He’s way more harmless than he looks.” Maybe he was right, but it would take a whole lot more than that to convince you that Sam was a genuinely good person. 

‘Would take a whole personality change, you thought as you shut and locked the front door. 

“Can you get him situated? I’m gonna grab him some water and meds,” you called, already heading towards your kitchen. Sam waved you off, which you took as a ‘yes’, and left the room. As you rummaged through your cupboards, you reminded yourself of all the things you disliked about Sam; you weren’t going to let this one act of kindness get to you. Besides, you’ve witnessed some truly despicable things from him. 

Plopping two antacid tablets in a cup of water, you hurried back to the living room, seeing that Danny was now horizontal on your couch, his head propped up behind a couple of decorative pillows. Sam grabbed a blanket from the basket that sat on the floor and draped it over him before sitting on the arm of the couch by Danny’s feet. Making your way over to your friend, you saw that his eyes were closed, already dozing off. You scratched his head lightly, causing his eyes to open a smidge. 

“Take a couple sips of it, then you can go to sleep,” you cooed, his hand coming up to grab the cup and bringing it to his lips. “Thanks, honey,” he whispered after drinking half the glass and handing it back to you, smiling up at you as he laid his head back on the pillow. You leaned over to set the cup on the end table by Danny’s head, then moved to kneel next to the couch, running your fingers through his hair to coax him to sleep. His eyes immediately drifted shut, and soon enough his breathing evened out, faint snores coming from his slightly parted lips. You smiled to yourself, purposefully forgetting that the man you despised sat no more than 10 feet away from you, watching silently as you took care of his friend. Sleep wasn’t too far off for you, either, and you desperately needed to get out of your clothes and into something comfy, but before you could get up, Sam cleared his throat, reminding you of his presence.

“I’m gonna stay with him for a little while longer, if that’s okay with you,” he said softly, not a hint of the usual arrogance in his tone. You blinked at him, a little stunned by the kindness of the gesture and the gentleness of his words. “Oh come on, Y/n, I know I’m a dick but I’m not that heartless.”

And there’s the asshole I know. 

You stood, stretching a bit before landing your eyes on him again. “You can do whatever you want, I’m gonna go get ready for bed. You can let yourself out when you’re ready.” Not bothering to wait for an answer, you turned on your heel and started towards your bedroom; you weren’t too interested in what he had to say anyways. 

To your dismay, sleep completely evaded you the second your head hit the pillow. Teeth brushed, face washed and in a big, comfy t-shirt, you tossed and turned in your bed, finally deciding to turn back on your salt lamp. Josh had told you once or twice that it’s better to get up and do something if you can’t sleep rather than just stare at the ceiling, so you decided to heed his advice. 

You checked the time on your phone; it had been an hour or so since you left the boys in your living room. You knew Danny would sleep through the night no problem, and you could have sworn that you heard the front door slam a half hour ago, signifying Sam’s departure. 

You locked your phone and put it back on your nightstand. 

Sam. 

You flipped on your back and huffed out a sigh; you couldn’t believe that he had been in your apartment. Reliving the events from the night, your blood began to heat again, remembering just how infuriating he had been at the bar. How rude he had been to those women. How hot you had found it that he locked the both of you in the bathroom, and how your thighs clenched when he grabbed your wrist. 

How could you be this attracted to a man you despised? It made your anger grow tenfold, trying desperately to convince yourself that he did not have this effect on you, that you were simply tired and touch-deprived and that was the reason why your mind was stooping so low. But the more that you thought about him from the sanctuary of your bed, the needier you became. It was just physical attraction, right? There’s nothing wrong with that, you repeated in your mind, knowing damn well that you were going to beat yourself up in the morning for what you were about to do. 

Alright Josh,  I’ll do something, you thought as you opened the drawer on your nightstand, grabbing your vibrator that kept you company on nights like these. 

Back bowing off the mattress, you held your breath as your eyes screwed shut, your release just out of arm's reach. Thoughts of Sam swirled in your mind's eye, imagining the way his guitar fingers would feel pressed into the canvas of your skin, the song your name would sound like when it dripped from his lips. Your orgasm was speeding towards you, the wave cresting and about to crash, when the sound of your bedroom door shutting snapped you back to reality. 

Your eyes shot open as you bolted straight up, your vibrator still buzzing away beneath the bed sheets. 

“Please, don’t stop on my behalf.”

Sam stood with his back pressed against your door, a mirror image of his actions from earlier. Arms crossed, a devilish smirk on his face that you wish you could smack right off. And you would get up to do it if only you were wearing pants. 

“GET OUT!” You hissed, your vision blurry with rage as you chucked your pillow at him with little thought. He side-stepped it easily, not paying the plush fabric any mind.

“In my defense, I knocked,” his head tilted up so he could look down his nose at you, “twice. Seems like you were too preoccupied to hear me.”

“Sam, I told you to get out! Why are you still here, anyways?” You fumbled for your vibrator under the sheets, finally switching it off, shrouding your room in silence. 

“Well,” he shoved off the door, eyes still glued to you, “I was coming to ask you if there was a pot or bowl or something I could set next to Dan in case he needed to throw up.” He made it to the foot of your bed, looking down at your exposed leg that was visible from beneath your blankets and slowly trailed his gaze to your beet-red face. 

You pulled the blankets so your bottom half was completely covered, “There are things underneath the kitchen island, okay? Just please, for the love of god, get out of my fucking room!” You yelled at him; you desperately needed him to leave so you could focus on your breathing and not on the wetness collecting on the insides of your thighs. 

But Sam clearly had other plans as he sat at the foot of your bed, not bothering to say a word for what felt like ages. 

“Bet I could do a better job than that bit of plastic.” 

What? Were you hearing him correctly?

Your eyebrows shot up as you tried to find words, but his statement had shocked your brain into malfunction.

“I’m just saying,” he glanced at the lump underneath the blankets next to you, to the toy that hid beneath, “I’m right here. And I could do a better job.”

“Are you fucking serious right now, Sam?”

His smirk dropped and was replaced by a sternness that you’ve never seen from him as he leaned ever so slightly closer to you. 

“That depends, are you considering it?”

“No way, I fucking hate you!” You tried to whip your other pillow at him but he caught it effortlessly, holding your stare with an eyebrow raised. 

Of course you were considering it, you had been seconds away from your own release that was brought on by lewd thoughts of him, and now that he sat at the edge of your bed, looking positively sinful… How could you not consider?

“Likewise, but I’ve seen the way you look at me. You think I don’t notice, but I do.” The smirk came back. That stupid, gut-wrenching smirk. “And I think I’ve made myself clear about what I think of you.”

“And what do you think of me, Samuel?” That piqued your interest, subconsciously mirroring his actions and leaning your body closer to his.

His voice was a low rumble in his chest as his gaze flickered between your eyes and your lips. 

“I think you’re a brat, you’re entitled.” Suddenly, he was shifting his position, climbing onto your bed on his hands and knees.

“You have a big mouth.”

He moved closer to you. 

“You ruin my fun.”

Closer still.

“I can’t fucking stand that you’re close with my brothers.”

Closer.

“I fucking despise being around you,”

His arms encased your legs on either side of them, his head mere inches away from yours, and just barely a whisper, he breathed,

“And yet I dream of all the pretty noises I could coax out of you while you’re in my bed.” He glanced down at his hands and grabbed the sheets, “Or your bed, apparently.” 

“You talk a big game as if you didn’t just say you think about fucking me,” you said lowly, thankfully your voice steadier than how you truly felt. “I can see it in your eyes when you're spouting your stupid shit to me, even before you admitted it.”

Sitting up further on the bed, you pressed your back against your headboard, having more room now that your pillows were scattered remains on the floor. Your confidence swelled; the man you hated had just revealed that he dreamt of having you, taking you, and you weren’t going to let that bit of information go to waste. 

“You know what I think, Sam? I think there’s a different reason why you can’t keep a girl longer than one night,” you mused, crossing your arms and feigning disinterest. 

“And what would that be, doll?” 

It was your turn to look down your nose at him, causing that wicked grin to crawl upon his features. 

“You’re a little attention whore. You want these girls to want you, and once they do, you get bored. Such a fucking asshole. You want them to think about you, to get all hot and bothered by you, and you toy with their hearts cause you truly don’t want any of them, do you?”

Sam was back hovering over you in an instant, one of his hands gripping your cheeks so your lips puckered slightly, his eyes searing into your soul as your own were blown wide. 

“Tell me what I want.”

You tilted your chin up a little more, your nose nearly brushing his as you fixed your stare; it was your turn for a devilish smile. 

“You’ve always wanted me, haven’t you?”

His hand left your cheek in favor of caressing your jawline, his slender fingers pausing underneath your chin as he brought his face ever closer to yours as you asked, “Do you wanna fuck me?”

Genuine amusement shown on his features for a split second before he regained his composure, humor still dancing in the chocolate of his eyes,

“I really want to, doll, but you know that.” His thumb brushed against your lips; the gentleness that would pop up here and there was still surprising you, being as it wasn’t something you were used to. Maybe if you had paid more attention to him you would have picked up on it, but you were never interested in getting to know him more than the bare minimum. Maybe until now… “Do you want to?”

Was this really happening? You knew you wanted him, needed him, badly, but what would happen tomorrow? A week from now when you inevitably would see him at the bar? Oh god, and Danny was still asleep on your couch not too far away… 

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” He whispered. 

“Yes, I want you to fuck me, Sam.”

His face darkened nearly instantaneously, the leash on his composure snapping. The light hand underneath your chin traveled quickly to your throat, and you felt his calloused fingers squeeze the sides of your neck as he breathed into your ear, 

“Yellow, we slow down and talk. Red, we stop altogether.” You sucked a sharp inhale through your nose; you couldn’t believe how excited you were. “Or tap me three times, I’ll know what it means.”

He didn’t have to look down at your body to feel you squirming in place, for he knew exactly what he was doing to you. And when you felt his lips curl into a smile against the shell of your ear, the leash holding you back snapped as well. 

“Green.”

That was all he needed. Before you knew it, Sam had let go of your throat with a hint of force, hopping up to yank you to the foot of the bed by your ankles, bringing you to lay flat on your mattress. He rolled his eyes as a faint gasp escaped you, every movement he made shocked you slightly. Straightening to his full height, he began removing his clothes, and you propped yourself up on your elbows to watch his display; you’ve never even seen him shirtless before. 

The outfit he wore tonight was one of your favorites- a pair of black slacks that fit him a little too tightly, not that you were complaining, and a cream colored corduroy button up, buttoned only at his navel, a page out of his older brother's book. A small, navy crystal in the shape of a triangle hung as a pendant around his neck. Simple, but elegant. You could see he was unbelievably hard already, straining in the confines of his pants, and secretly you knew he was getting off on watching you watch him, only further confirming his need and love for attention. 

He forwent unbuttoning the rest of his shirt and pulled it over his head in one swift motion, revealing his slim, tanned torso. It felt nice to have an excuse to marvel at his beauty, to take a moment to really look at him without any malcontent. 

“Like what you see, princess?”

Nevermind. 

You flopped back down on the bed, causing your t-shirt to hike up a little higher. The blankets and sheets were still hiding you from him so he couldn’t see your exposed skin, but you were growing impatient, ready to throw them off of you. Ready to pull Sam on top of you. The mental notes you had taken suggested that if you pushed the right buttons, he’d easily give you what you wanted. 

“You ruin everything when you speak, Samuel,” you sighed, doing your best to look disappointed. 

His eyebrows shot up as he tied his hair back in a low bun; the feral look in his eyes told you that he wasn’t going to tolerate much more. 

Good. 

Ripping the blankets off of your body, he threw them to the floor. The cool air in your bedroom lapped at your bare legs, sending a kiss straight to your core. And then he was pinning your legs open with both of his knees, his hands planted on either side of your head, bits of hair already falling from his bun and curtaining your vision. 

“You’re such a fucking tease, princess.” He dipped his chin to his chest to assess the mess that had already gathered at the apex of your thighs. “And you’re already so wet for me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, did you forget-”

“Forget about this?” He reached across your mattress to grab your vibrator, cold and lonely. “How could I?”

The teasing was becoming unbearable and you debated whether you should just toss him out of your room and get back to your night with your trusty toy. 

“Can you either shut up or put your mouth to good use?” You huffed. 

A saccharine smile as he bent closer, a promise of a kiss as he whispered, “I intend to take my time with you, to make you scream and wake poor Daniel up.”

He was about to capture your lips with his and as much as you wish he would, your annoyance was still at the forefront of your mind. Since both of your hands were free, you used one to clamp over his mouth, his eyes shooting open in surprise. 

“Ah ah ah,” you tutted, “I don’t think you’ve earned that privilege.” You turned on your best set of doe eyes as you cooed, “Find another use for your mouth.”

Sam playfully nipped at the palm of your hand before rising on his knees, stretching your legs even further, a look of pure wonder as he observed you spread out for him. He dropped your toy in favor of using his hands to roam over your body, tugging at the hem of your shirt that was now bunched up on your hips. You helped him pull it over your head, and once his hands were free of the fabric, they were sweeping over your skin anywhere he could touch; swiping his thumbs on the smooth skin underneath your breasts, running his fingers over your ribs and down the sides of your waist, until they landed on on the divots where your hips met your thighs. And he stole the air out of your lungs as he breathed to himself, “Stunning.”

But he moved on quickly, moving to lay flat on his stomach in between your legs, picking up your vibrator in his left hand. Catching your stare as he lowered his mouth to where you needed him most, he shot you a wink before diving into your cunt, sending a long stripe from his tongue from your entrance up to your clit. It all happened so quickly, and you gasped as your head shot back onto the mattress, hands flying to the silky roots of his hair. 

He hummed against you immediately, causing delicious vibrations to shoot straight through your system. Stars were illuminating the backs of your eyelids as he devoured you with a fervor no partner has ever rivaled, and you silently cursed him, knowing that you would unfortunately be craving this night after night. 

The pleasure was short lived, however, as he withdrew his lips that were attached to your clit. You lifted your head up and shot him a look of utter annoyance, only to then hear the faint buzzing of your vibrator. 

“Didn’t you say you could do a better job than that thing?”

“Yes, and I am,” he smirked, using his free hand to trace your entrance and gather your slick on his fingers. He held them up to show you, “I just thought since you wanted to cum so badly with it, I’d have to make you.”

Your groan of distaste quickly turned more guttural as he pressed the silicone directly on your throbbing clit. A dark chuckle rang out through your room as he watched you begin to writhe on the mattress, your hands gripping the sheets as if your life depended on it. There was no build up; he had turned your toy to its highest setting and pressed it against you with enough pressure to send you into oblivion. Your moans continued to grow louder, your orgasm nearer to you than you had estimated. 

The fingers on his free hand began dancing around your dripping entrance, and you forced your eyes open to watch as he slid two fingers inside you, curling them to the perfect angle that caused his name to tumble past your lips. 

“Shhh…” he started condescendingly, “What would Daniel think? Hearing you be such a fucking whore for me.” You whimpered, trying to quiet yourself and prolong the inevitable release that would soon crash into you. “What is it he always calls you?” His tone was mocking, his eyes blown with lust and his mouth slightly agape. Until he snapped his eyes to yours, “Honey?”

“D-don’t,” you whined, but your body betrayed you as you clenched around his fingers. 

“Oh, you just love it when he calls you that, don’t you? I can’t wait to tell him what it does to you.” His fingers sped up their pace as your thighs began to tremble, your walls fluttering around him. “C’mon, give it up, honey, I know you’re there.”

Your back bowed off the mattress for the second time tonight, eyes screwing shut as the ball of tension in your stomach finally snapped and you were clamping around his fingers, vibrator still buzzing away with all its might. 

“That’s it, princess, cum for me,” he cooed, slowing his fingers but not taking the toy away as he watched in awe while you rode out your orgasm, twisting and turning on the mattress beneath him. 

It wasn’t long before overstimulation had you in its grasp, and you grabbed his wrist with more force than you thought you had in you, silently begging him to let up. He looked at you, batting his eyelashes, and you prepared yourself for more nonsense to fall from his lips. 

“I thought you wanted to cum so badly?”

“Sam, please,” you admitted defeat, “I can’t do another.” Steadying yourself with deep breaths through your nose, pleading with your eyes for him to show you mercy.

But your jaw dropped as he genuinely laughed at you, a malicious sounding noise filling the space. 

“Told you you’d catch flies with that dumb ass look on your face.” He finally withdrew both the toy from your oversensitive clit and his fingers from inside you, bringing the digits to your open mouth and placing them on your tongue. You hollowed out your cheeks instantly, tasting yourself and humming around his fingers. 

“Who knew that such a brat would end up being so good for me.”

That wasn’t going to slide, and he knew he made a mistake when he caught the mischievous glint in your eyes mere moments before you bit down on his fingers. However, your plan backfired, and before you knew it, the same hand was wrapped around your throat again, anger written plainly on his face. 

“I’m getting real fucking sick of your attitude, Y/n. You should be on your knees thanking me that I let you cum.” Your eyes narrowed, his words causing your own annoyance to ignite once again. “Actually, that’s what you’re going to do. Hands and knees.”

He released his iron grip and yanked you up to a sitting position, but all you could bring yourself to do was cross your arms. 

“Let me? You’re the one who barged into my room and ruined everything.”

“On your hands and knees, now.”

Oh, this was too much fun. And you let him know so with a smirk curling on your lips. 

“Make me.”

His arms were around you in an instant, hauling you up and effectively flipping you onto your stomach with a slight bounce off the mattress. Your hair caught around your eyes and in your mouth at how swift the motion was, and felt his hands wrap around your belly and lift up, forcing you to hold your weight with your hands and knees. Your own curiosity had you biting back your witty retort; you were intrigued to know if he would hold onto this dominant streak. 

His weight left the mattress as you huffed in exasperation, trying to pretend you were growing bored even though you were anything but. And when you heard the faint unzipping of his pants, you couldn’t help but crane your neck over to where he was, catching him just in time to watch him free his length from his briefs and kick off his pants. Fuck, he was positively huge, and of course every single part of him was beautiful. 

He vanished from your vision quickly and you felt him kneel behind you, causing your heart rate to quicken. However, he didn’t move to touch you. 

“I’m growing tired, Samuel,” you pretended to yawn, “if you don’t hurry up and fuck me, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave-”

His fist was in your hair immediately, pulling you up so your back was flush with his chest. 

“For the sake of both of us,” he hissed into your ear, “I suggest you drop the act, princess.”

Your world was spinning as he threw you back onto the mattress, one of his large hands splaying across your back and pushing you even further into it, causing your ass to rise in the air. 

“You’re going to take what I give you.” A gasp left your lungs as his free hand landed a sharp smack against the side of your thigh, “And you’re going to be fucking grateful for it.” Another harsh smack, this one directly on the flesh of your ass. 

“If you think for a second,” smack, “about spouting your bullshit,” smack, “I’ll make sure you regret it.” He began running his hand over the red, swollen skin, soothing the bruises that were sure to make their appearance tomorrow. 

“Color?” Softness returned to his voice, the calluses on his fingertips lightly moving to trace your shoulder blades. 

“Green,” you gritted out, “green, you fucking asshole, keep going.”

The dominance switched back in an instant, his hands flying to your ass cheeks and spreading you wide open. The display had you clenching around nothing, ever eager for him to finally fill you up. 

“How sweet,” he cooed, gripping his cock and running the tip through your folds, gathering up your wetness and smearing it along his length, “she’s blowing me kisses.”

The words you were about to let fly caught in your throat as he slowly pushed into you, stretching you in a delicious way that your body had never felt before. The two of you groaned in tandem; you could feel him pulsating as he bottomed out, stilling for a moment to let you get used to his size. You hated to admit it, but it felt like he was made for you; no one had fit so perfectly inside you. 

“Fuck, Y/n, you feel incredible.” His harsh attitude was faltering, you could tell, as he leaned forward to brush your hair out of your eyes, your head turned to the side with your cheek against the mattress. You would’ve found it endearing, if it were anyone but him, and you let him know that fact with a look of annoyance from out of your peripheral. 

“Move, you bastard.” Once again, playing the game to get what you want. And with a hand pressing the side of your face into the mattress, he started on a gruelingly harsh pace that had moans tumbling from your mouth with reckless abandon. 

The sound of skin slapping against itself filled the room, accompanied by Sam’s filthy words and your pathetic moans. He was drilling into you with every ounce of power in his body, and you imagined how heavenly he must look with sweat dripping down his chest and his eyebrows knitted together. You would’ve turned to look back at him had your eyes not been rolled back into your skull, your groans and pleas becoming an endless mantra that only spurred him on further. 

Finally, he enveloped both of your wrists within a hand, tugging you upwards so that your back was sticking against his chest, the new angle causing you to yelp out a curse of his name. Your head lulled back onto his shoulder, and he took the opportunity to nip at your ear as he continued his murderous pace. 

“Look at you,” he panted into your ear, “you’re cock drunk on me already.” He groaned as you twisted your hands free, snaking them back into his drenched hair. You could tell he was getting close to his release, his thrusts beginning to falter ever so slightly, and that thought had you clenching down around him, ready to drain him of everything he was worth. 

“Shit, honey, if you keep doing that, I won’t last much longer,” he whined, trailing a hand down your front and settling to rub fast circles around your clit. 

“Don’t-” you gasped, trying to get your words out, “don’t call me honey.” 

He huffed a breath in your ear, “I think we’re well past that-” His circles quickened, your thighs beginning to shake as you could see your own orgasm on the horizon. 

You needed to spur him on one last time. You needed him to continue his pace. You needed to get in one more jab before you both reached your end. And by some miracle, you found your voice. 

“Fuck, Sam! God, I fucking hate you-”

His hips bucked and he let out the most obscene moan you had heard from him all night, one that would forever be cemented in your brain. “Fuck, say that again, Y/n,” he breathed, pushing you back against the mattress so he had more leverage to pound into you, fingers still working your clit. 

Your eyes screwed shut as you gripped the sheets, the leash on your release about to snap.

“I-” His hand landed another sharp slap against your ass, causing you to gasp and clamp down hard on his cock, the words dying on your tongue. 

“Please, say it again, I’m so fucking close.”

“Sam,” you whined, “I’m gonna cum, please keep going.”

“Say it,” he seethed, his pace not relenting even though you could hear him panting.

Tears were brimming in your eyes, and you could feel them spill over as you choked out, 

“I fucking hate you.”

You could feel him swelling inside you, his breathing turning into pitchy moans. 

“Where can I-”

“Inside, do it.”

That was the last bit of convincing he needed before he bent over you, sheathing himself even further as he spilled inside of you, a string of curses mixing in with praises of your name. Hearing your name fall so freely and adoringly from his lips caused your own orgasm to finally crash into you, turning your vision white and your ears to ring. You could faintly hear him hiss as you clenched and fluttered around his sensitive cock, but your body and mind were floating, skin prickling and tingling as he rode you through your high. 

Hands massaging your shoulders kept you tethered to the earth, bringing you back into your mind as you began to settle, your chest heaving and your throat a bit hoarse from the volume of your moans. 

“Come back to me princess, come on,” he wiped your brow, coaxing your eyes to flutter open. Once he saw that you were present in your body, he withdrew from you, causing you both to shudder and wince. 

After a few long minutes of catching your breath, he stood, rummaging through the pile of clothes, pillows, and blankets that were strewn across the floor. Plucking up your sleep shirt you had been wearing not too long ago, he brought it over to you, kneeling on the bed to wipe up your mixed releases that had begun to collect on your thighs and bed sheets. 

You hissed through your teeth; you were a lot more sensitive than you had thought you’d be, surely going to be sore in the morning. 

“You really had to use my shirt for this? I have towels in the bathroom.”

He smiled to himself, an action he didn’t think you would catch as you watched him clean you up. 

“Glad to see your attitude hasn’t changed.”

Once he was satisfied with his work, he shoved off the bed, chucking the shirt back onto the floor and grabbing his clothes, beginning to dress himself. 

“Plus,” he started as he buttoned his pants, glancing at you with that nonchalance you hated, “now you have something to remember me by.”

You scoffed, not bothering to get into it with him in favor of watching him pull his shirt back over his head, ridding his hair of the tie that bound it. You were waiting for the self-loathing to set in; waiting for the guilt of giving in to your desires, but you felt none of it. Instead, you felt a tad grateful, in some messed up way, that he had caught you in the act tonight because it caused the two of you to release an arsenal of pent up emotions you harbored for each other. 

Once he was dressed, he strode over to the bed and knelt down on the floor, choosing to smooth out your hair and trail his fingers down your spine. You hummed in approval, the slight massage lulling you closer and closer to sleep. His eyes shone with a new emotion; you couldn’t detect the same distaste that always was dancing within them when he looked at you. There was lust there, and a certain seriousness that you didn’t recognize, but you welcomed it. 

He surprised you for one last time as he bent down and placed a gentle kiss to your cheek, smoothing the skin with his thumb after he pulled away. You couldn’t help but smile up at him as he straightened to his full height.

“That certainly didn’t feel like you hate me, Samuel,” you called as you watched him make his way to your bedroom door, somewhat eager for him to leave so you could finally get to sleep. 

“Well,” he breathed, sending a smirk over his shoulder as he turned the handle, “imagine being loved by me.”

taglist: @joopsworld @gold-mines-melting @shutupdevvie @indigostreakmorgan @sacredjake @malany-gvf @writingcold @mountain-in-springtime @anthemofgvf @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @katelynn-gvf @alwaysonthemend @lightmylust @alleinblues @f3ralbadomens

the form to be added to my taglist is on my pinned post <333

[elkkiel]

Sorry friends, this is gonna be a long one. I feel like speaking in a space where someone may see and perceive what I'm saying is helpful to personal accountability. Please feel free to skip, it's more of a thought dump than anything (I am midway through writing now and I think I lost the plot a while ago lol)

Topics covered: grind culture, mental health, self-care, and learning when to manually sound the alarm for yourself as an audhd-er in the deep end of life.

Here's some tags that I left on the the grind culture reblog before this. I just wanted to share some thoughts and didn't want them to get lost; I feel like making a proper post really solidifies the situation (sorta like getting those abstract thoughts from your head onto paper, and realizing just how bad it is when it's all laid out before you.) And I want to make a change when I can finally get my head above water.

I think it can be especially difficult for us AuDHDers, since we don't necessarily have alarm bells installed that neurotypicals in similar situations may have but "choose" (consciously or not) to ignore. Things can really spiral into a bad place quickly if you don't have the cues or signs to alert you. We need to be diligent in doing those manual checks ourselves, KNOWING that we have struggles that make life just that much more difficult.

Take inventory of your life. Do you allocate time to self-care activities, and/or are those the right activities for you? Turns out for me that building a complex skin care routine (as suggested by mainstream self-care culture) only stresses me out more. Especially when I never have the energy to do it, making me feel bad when I only manage to do the basics *sometimes* (and the stress acne persists smh my head). My therapist recommended productive activities that involve both current hyperfixes and that ADHD Motor™. I want to learn basic carpentry over the summer, since I love working with my hands! For now, drawing masked men as cats will suffice (though I will not complain about the kittenification of my faves)

Choose a moment to consciously feel how your body is feeling. Check in with yourself! This is important for my alexithymia bitches. Are you more fatigued than usual? Are your muscles tense for some reason? Have you been hungry with no appetite? If you notice anything, let's make some connections—really dig into it. The instance I mentioned in the tags above was a really clear one for me. I took like 12 hours on the IV in the Ivy art instead of coursework, and that weekend I slept almost 22 hours. A few days later, I'm still in a cycle of horrible fatigue and excessive sleep. Connecting the trigger event (taking the time to create "unnecessary" art) to current sensations (extreme fatigue) is giving me insight into how stressed I actually am that I wouldn't have really seen otherwise.

I'm also feeling more and more aware of how activities and things become a bit of a crutch to avoid expending energy on social activities. Idk how many other people deal with this particular problem, but I have almost zero social drive. Like I legitimately don't feel the need to meet people and see friends. Almost 100% of my social needs are covered by talking to my parents, chatting with the girls at work (while at work) and passively absorbing interactions from complete strangers within earshot. It's one of the big things I'm continually documenting for when I can finally afford to get evaluated for autism (babygirl I don't even have enough for the ADHD assessment yet and that's more crucial for disability stuff lol) and it makes life real tough.

Not having the time nor the drive to invest in relationships really stunts you as a person in my experience. I don't know how to actually quantify what makes a friend (e.g. are we friends because we are Tumblr mutuals who haven't had an actual conversation but hype each other up in notes?) and I don't have any time to learn. I can't participate in leisure activities that may take some of the pressure off since I haven't been able to practice initiating interactions. It baffles me how some of the girls at work just casually meet up outside of work, or make plans out of the blue in a conversation (how tf do you gauge when/if to propose something????)

Like, it's bad. I haven't seen my best friend in a year and a half, and even the term "best friend" almost definitely isn't accurate in this scenario anymore. It's just another stressor that could potentially be avoided by lifting one's nose from the grindstone, but it's so intimidating to even try at this point. I don't feel the drive to be friends, but something tells me it's healthier than being alone with my work and thoughts.

Idk I think that's all I have for now. I definitely went on a tangent or two that don't connect back to the original idea so apologies for the letter-based vomit.

ty if you read any of this, if you have any thoughts or input I'm always open for replies or asks. The world is big and fast and horrible and confusing a lot of the time, but I think sharing experiences helps to keep things in perspective.

maybe I'll ask more targeted questions for community input some other time because I'm genuinely curious how to navigate around social deficits (the "who is a Friend and why?" thing especially because I genuinely have zero clue)

anyways have a good day, drink some water, take ur meds, and be kind to yourself

[crisalidaseason]

some post war jearmin? your writing is lovely btw

A JEARMIN ASKKKKK AAAAAAAAAAA

Okay, I am contained in my enclosure again. Let's do this. Also, sorry for the delay, I was almost dying and thank you so much for the compliment, it means a lot to me

Honey Patches

Summary: Post war Jearmin fluff

Content warning: bitttersweet, armin is tired, jean is tired, fluff, a bit angsty, very VERY implied suggestive content, like one sentence, but still mdni

Eldia, Mitras district

It was one of the bad days. Not a really bad one, just regular bad. The type of day the previous commander of the survey corps was used to.

"Fuck this" Armin whispered, visibly frustrated that his coat tore open in another spot. That old piece of fabric was giving up on him.

"Here" a deep voice broke the morning silence.

Armin felt the heavyness of Jean's coat over his shoulders, sending the other man a silent thanks.

"I'll try to fix it once we rest for the night"

Armin nodded, a little absent minded, wearing the other man's coat with the usual hurry. It seemed he was always late these days, always in need somewhere. A meeting, a conference, a 'quick' talk, reports, resolutions and negotiation drafts. Armin was always being requested.

"See you later" Jean's voice echoed again.

Armin paused. He did it again. He was almost out the door.

"See you" he said, a warm trained smile on his lips.

He left without looking at Jean's expression. He avoided the taller man's eyes in the early morning, not being able to resist the urge to just cave and fall on his knees in tears.

Armin was exhausted.

Walking towards the meeting room was always the worst minutes of his morning, his empty stomach complaining that the anxiety was already knocking on the door. Everyday he wondered why he was still there, why he endured all of this. He contemplated running away every single minute until he reached the meeting room.

He wanted to go home. To the small little home he purchased with so much difficulty, his little cottage in a small town he randomly pointed at on a map.

"Mister Arlert" the old man greeted him, the usual scorn in his tone "Took you long enough"

It was indeed a...

"Bad day?" Jean's voice blessed Armin's ears that evening.

The blonde laid against his bedroom's door, tired despite being released earlier than expected. Jean was still in uniform, indicating he probably had just arrived. The other blonde had quite a messy hair that night, most likely a result of horse riding.

"How was your day?" he asked Jean.

Armin wishes he could go on more field missions. He felt so suffocated inside meeting rooms, lonely in the presence of paper and ink.

"Nothing special, just some infrastructure evaluation back in Karanes district" the other man said while discarding his uniform coat.

Jean was still relatively in shape, although he had lost a bit of weight due to a sickness. Armin had to remind him to take it easy. The blonde looked down at his own frame, he had not changed much on the outside, he was always very difficult to change physically. Mentally it was another story.

"You're showering?"

"You want to go first?" Jean offered "I can wait"

He did not want to, all Armin wanted was to drop dead on the uncomfortable bed and wake up in his home. At the same time, Jean took ages to leave the bathroom.

"Yeah, I'll be quick"

Armin - who was leaning on the door - moved a bit too quickly for his mind to catch up, the world soon turning into a spiral. He felt Jean's hand on his upper arms, gripping him firmly.

"Hey, are you alright?"

He wondered if the sickness Jean caught was finally flaring, he did not have a titan's immune system anymore. His head was still stinging in sharp pain, his eyes colored in dark spots. The soft sheet of the bed was the only thing the blonde registered for a while, and he immediatly indulged in it.

"A shower can wait" Jean's voice was muffled on Armin's ears.

The last thing the blond could remember before succumbing to exhaustion was Jean's soft lips on the forehead. In the first hours of the morning, there was nothing but darkness and the faint breathing of jean's sleeping form. Armin looked around disoriented, trying to gain a sense of why he was still in uniform.

"Shit" he whispered into the cold night.

A shower was very much needed and he tried his hardest not to flinch at the extremely cold water. While washing his hair, Armin wondered if Jean locked the door, the last thing he wanted was for anyone to find out that the taller man did not sleep in his room at night. He had enough problems on that island.

As Armin left the shower, shivering, he noticed his coat was hanging on a chair. The visible hole from the morning had been fixed. The blonde touched the fabric, the patch was noticeable but sturdy enough. He wondered if Jean fixed it while he was in deep sleep, feeling bad for it. Jean did not need to do it after a tiring day of work, but he did anyway.

Dressing was quick and soon the blonde was under the covers again. Jean had his back turned, his front almost glued to the wall. Jean had a strange but amusing habit of sleeping facing a wall, his arms crossed and knees bent. The blonde smiled at the sight and laid beside his boyfriend, warming his cold body on his.

Jean groaned something.

"Go to sleep, Jean" Armin muttered.

"Cold" he complained, trying to get away from Armin's freezing form.

Armin smiled and hugged Jean's waist even closer, rubbing his own feet on the other man's legs.

"Why are you like this?"

Despite his words, Jean let Armin snuggle even more, enduring the cold sensation until the other man had warmed enough.

"I can't wait to go home" Jean whispered "Our bed is bigger"

Armin chuckled softly.

"I miss the bathroom. It had space for two"

Jean pinched Armin's arm as an answer, later taking his hand and laying a soft kiss on the, now warm, knuckles.

"Just a few more weeks, then we'll be home"

Armin nodded, kissing Jean's shoulder.

"Good night"

"Night"

[streamdotpng]

this is chaotic sorry in advanced.

Twin anon here! I made notes while reading on my catch-up venture

Oh my god the idea that a bunch of people have to sign a contract saying wednesday can attack them if she feels threatened is so funny. Like- something had to have happened to lead to this, right? Her team realized it was the best option so Wednesday doesn’t get jailed or bad publicity but her fans just go feral anyway anytime Wednesday puts a knife to someone’s throat

Monster fucker Wednesday confirmed !!! I mean hey was it ever really doubted…

Reached monster fucker anon and that made me laugh. From a pr perspective I honestly think with what Wednesday writes her being a monster fucker would be good. I mean- that’s who she writes for, if you really think about it. Her audience is full of monsterfuckers from the normie x monster shit she writes. Sure, she has horror and what not but the base of it is still that. The question isn’t whether she’s a monster fucker it is what monster she wants to fuck her !!!

Oh my god! I got to the stalker lore stuff and I love it!!! I’m very happy to read more of it and now I have such a better understanding. I knew enid went feral but damn !!! There is no getting in the way of Wednesday and Enid. It makes me happy though that they were able to get past all of this trauma to end up in a much better place where they both can physically be together and love each other. It really speaks to how strong their relationship is like there is absolutely nothing that could ever break the two of them apart.

I have to wonder if anyone at nevermore or hell even in Jericho remember Wednesday (she’s hard to forget) and see her as this celebrity figure. Do they talk about it? Do they bring it up? Do they try to say what happened at nevermore? Are the whispers just brushed away as an old classmate wanting to hate on them? Just rumors bubbled up to ruin Wednesdays image? Or, really, would it not even be blinked at because this is Wednesday Addams after all? (some nevermore students and people of Jericho definitely have a “Wednesday Addams traumatized me” therapy group) OH or does everyone think all the old Jericho people are crazy because wednesday turned her school years into books (unknown to the public) so it just looks like they are taking what she’s written wayyy to seriously

Oh my god the short of enid in jail was heartbreaking. It cements even more how much they deserve. Like- Enid in her life has reached a state where she is so overly loved. She can play video games, laugh, smile, be jump scared and run into the arms of her *wife* at the end of it all. You did a fantastic job writing it!!!

I caught up! Only took me three hours :D

Shout out to writer anon! They’re amazing. I don’t know who you are but all the little shorts were beautiful and really well written. It’s so nice that so many people come together for fics/fandom things.

Back on my twin Enid agenda. I think my twin enid ways is just shit posting at this point. It’ll be so clear there is only one Enid and here I am in my corner tangled around in red string doubling down as if Wednesday Addams herself did not just finally announce that yes, she is married to the one and only endespair. When the Clark Kentification goes to hard smh. Doubling down by saying, you know what, actually, there is a twin and it’s just a messy triangle- No a square, because Wednesday now also has a twin. Case closed. Twin anon staying strong.

Anyway! Away from that stupidity lmao!!! Streamer enid au stays being one of my favorites! Your ideas are always so fantastic and I love thinking about these two so much. I hope you’ve been doing well!

OMYGOD TWIN ANON ITS BEEN SO LONG I MISSED YOU

i deadass thought i ran you off with how i spiralled the twin spin off into its whole thing

also no worries :) nothing wrong with some chaotic rambling so lemme read whatchu got for me

but yeah, there was definitely a scene during wednesday's early years where a fan got too overzealous and a contract had to be made bc she nearly stabbed someone

now its just normal to have these contracts if you ever want wednesday addams in your event

also clearly the monster she wants to fuck her is enid a werewolf, like cmon. Its not even a joke, the amount of wolf imagery is rampant in all her works

glad people like the stalker lore, it wont come up alot bc adult wenclair has moved past it but i wanted to use it to explain why enid is so easily strict on her boundaries esp with chat

as for if jericho and nevermore remembering wednesday? yeah no they definitely know her, with the amount of shit wenclair get up too its hard to forget the werewolf and its master staining their monuments red

they do crow abt it at times but they're so secluded its not really that noticeable. There are the occasional post from a disgruntled adult of long before but that's about it. Definitely looks like an in universe viper roleplayer though!

glad you like my short on jail enid, she's a little crazy but who wouldn't if you gone through what she did in that cell? luckily she got way better, so everything is much tolerable now :)

(also damn, you went through all that content in 3 hours?? i didn't think there was that much. Thank you so much for spending time to do so bc holyshit)

ALSO YEAHHH SHOUT OUT DEFINITELY TO WRITER ANON!! AND JD AND EVERYONE WHO HELPED ME BUILD THE AU

it was really fun :^D

ah yes, wednesday addams and her twin Viper addams. She totally has a sister who's the actor and her the author

thank you again for liking the streamer enid au so much, it was genuinely so fun building it and ot think it took like two-three months to fully build it is mindboggling!!

i'll be doing better nowadays mate, hope you have a good day aswell

[lifetrimmed]

Well I am back with more Makai ouji, a different character this time tho lol.

So you got Michael, THE Archangel Michael, right? My best boy. My beautiful darling. My amazing scrunkly. He is listed as a main character despite not even appearing until episode 8 in the anime/second musical/chapter 21 (volume 4) in the manga and having by far the least screentime of all the mcs (even some side characters get more lol). And ho boy is he something. So there's a rule in the MO world that the more powerful a demon/angel is, the more time they have to spend in limbo, sleeping. This sleep is a century long and comes about once every couple hundreds of years for high ranked demons. Michael. Never. Slept. He has such massive trust issues that he wouldn't let Heaven in anyone else's hands because everyone he once trusted is either dead, betrayed him, or is incompetent.

The original group was Michael, Lucifer, Uriel, Gabriel, and Raphael. Lucifer, obviously, betrayed him, that was the first problem. Then Uriel failed his orders because he got too attached to a human, thus betraying him too. Raphael has no interest in politics. Gabriel (a lady in this series btw) ate the apple of sin and had a child with a former pagan god which was the first strike as it's heavily implied Mich was in love with her, and then she died! And Mich is still in denial about it 2-3000 years later. Still holding on to the hope that she's just sleeping for too long and she will definitely wake up. He's constantly on the verge of disappearing because of his lack of sleep. Literally living on spite alone. And oh boy is he moody, insecure, and constantly lashing out... And!! It leads to even more people turning their back on him and betraying him! Which gives him even more trust issues and insecurities!! It's honestly so tragic to me because he needs help more than anything but instead he ends up spiraling even deeper down because of his own actions that were taken because of that spiral in the first place!

His former confidant is actively plotting to kill him, the other current leaders of Heaven (except Raphael who is still there, acting like he's high all the time) barely hold any respect for him, Uriel picked a human over him again, the woman he loved is dead AND her child looks like a walking copy of her (to the point where even Raphael has to do a double take to realize she didn't rise from the dead), there's a Heaven-wide conspiracy against him that actually comes to fruition later, he ends up exiled and barely holding on, having to rely on the same people who, more or less accidentally, set this all into motion, faith in him is waning all over the world, and if that all wasn't enough, the apocalypse is coming. And you know what, it never gets better. He doesn't really get a happy ending. He dies knowing he was never anyone's first choice, that he most likely won't be missed, just glad that at least he got to see a world where Lucifer died, even if just for a second.

And yeah, I did write him a tiny afterlife fic back in the days of the fandom being still alive where he met up with Gabriel and got to have his happiness, but then new chapters came out and wow!!! Gabriel was pretty shitty actually!!! I don't think Mich really knows the extent of it because he was very happy to offer her kid a chance to go home and visit her (denial be strong baby...) and all. I just want him happy. I want him to have genuine friends. He showed he can be so caring and protective and forgiving even to people who annoy him. Even to people who started his end without meaning to if they can't defend themselves. I know that seems like it doesn't match up with what I said about his personality but please!! He's such a broken and layered character!!

EYYOOO sorry I took a bit while... And I hope you don't mind me merging my reply for your two asks into one? (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠) And I pick this one to post cuz it's more tragic LMAO

Michael is the one who acts aloof and looks down on everyone in the anime isn't he? Mannn the characters with those traits always have the most depressing story jsgsjsgs

But that fic and the story update omg, If I were you I'd be so disappointed and crying oof (⁠ ⁠；⁠∀⁠；⁠)

I remember some bits about camio from your rambles in the server~ Him having a wifey! The pizza classes with his not-boyfriend!! But for some reason the one thing I remember the most about him in the anime was when his face looked like a sad puppy when someone stroked his cheek HAHHAHAA ...It was camio right?? I hope I remember it correctly (⁠ ⁠；⁠∀⁠；⁠)

[quiveringdeer]

so I took a nap with my cat, but since I woke up I haven't been able to get the above observation outta my head. And dunno how to make it into a character post so figured I'd just share here. 

This started as a long-winded scene idea I was typing up in dms to @marleysfinest after they commented about reading about Reiner cursing in that silly incorrect quote post I made where Pock pushed him down the stairs--just hit real different. And I couldn't agree more.

But instead of becoming the filthy smut I was originally trying to get at, my weird as fuck brain created this spiral of I don't even know what! It's highly self indulgent self insert as Reader. (I mean isn't that what we all write these as?) Though I did try to curb some of my more ridiculous dialogue options I initially intended to use.

Anywho, before the fluff and silliness have some meta musings:

Definitely see Reiner growing up with his mom being the type that doesn't allow bad language in the house. So he's careful about not cussing. And he definitely does, more so in high school and college when he joins a few sports teams because teen boys and all that jazz. But he tries to even outside of that or just hanging with friends because Gabi's been born and he wants to be a good example and such. 

But so I was thinkin about dating Rei and never really noticing that he tends not to curse until finally hearing him curse for one of the first times. And because it's the number one cause for yelling expletives, it happens when you're having movie night at your place. There isn't a lamp near the couch --cause who can afford a lamp in THIS economy! (okay maybe you just moved in and things are still in boxes but you both have a standing date night that moving was not going to interrupt I dunno! I dunno why my brain insists on giving convoluted scenarios that really are unneeded 🙃)--

Reiner x Reader

Anywho, no lamp. So of course you do rock paper scissors to figure out who has to get up from the snuggly warm spots on the couch to go turn off the overhead light and he loses. And after turning off the lights, in a rush to get back to the warm snuggling on the couch, he stubbs his poor bare toes on a sturdy box. "Shit!"

No, like reeeally hard. "SHIT MOTHERFU-!" Perfect. So yes. He stubs his toe so hard it throws off his generally great balance and as he's trying not to land on anything important he falls to the floor with a big thud! "Fuck!" 

And the whole thing happens in a number of seconds. 

You've launched yourself over to the side of the couch closest to him now. Peering down in the dim light of the DVD Title Menu screen, "Rei, honey you good?" 

He's sitting up by this point, groaning and muttering as he squeezes his poor, traumatized toe. "Yeah. 'M good." Casting those warm amber eyes over to you, Reiner tries for a grin but manages more of a grimace as he starts to pick himself up. "Too eager to get back to cuddling you." 

Settling back into your previous spot on the couch you notice him not putting his assaulted foot fully on the floor. "Aww, sweet baby." 

His large body sinks gingerly onto the sofa beside you. He's not trying to sustain any more injuries just dropping himself heavy onto the cushions like he wants to. 

"You sure you're good? Don't think I've ever heard you swear like that before." 

Reiner dips his head, masking his face in shadow as he feels his cheeks heat. Not that you could see it in the minimal lighting anyway. "Sorry. Didn't mean to. But yeah. I'm okay." To prove his point he lifts up both his legs and wiggles his toes, back-lit by the TV screen. "All in working order." 

A tiny amused huff of air puffs past your lips at the endearing little gesture. "Okay." While patting around the fleece blanket with one hand for the remote, your other arm lifts to rest across his broad shoulders. Your fingers curve around the top of his head, sinking into the soft blond strands as you begin massaging gently. It's an unconscious action at this point. You've argued before that running your fingers through his hair feels just as nice to you as it does for him. 

Reiner's neck is tilted back, by the time you finally locate the remote beneath the folds of endless fleece. Eyes closed, completely content to just listen to the movie he's forgotten the title of already. 

"Also, you didn't have to apologize. For cursing." He turns his head just slightly to see you looking at him with a fond smile. "I don't mind. I honestly can't believe this is literally the first time I've ever heard you do it. And we've been dating for months." 

You settle the remote on your lap and keep your eyes on his face. There's a short silence as you watch Reiner's mouth twitch. His brows pull down slightly like he's sifting for the right words. 

"My mom always said it was a vulgar habit. So I grew up making sure I didn't slip up at home or in front of strangers." 

You laugh and have to quickly follow it with words when you notice Reiner's face go tense. "Sorry, was just laughing cause I'm happy to know after three months of dating you no longer see me as a stranger." 

Immediately Reiner starts to sit up straighter, eyes going wide as he angles his large body toward you. "That's not what I–" 

One of your fingers presses to his lips, silencing his rebuttal. The hand that'd been occupied in his hair now lays comfortably on his shoulder. "I know honey. Relax. I'm just teasing." 

Grin still present from your earlier laughter, you lean in for a slow, tender kiss that has Reiner melting further toward you. Your foreheads rest together as you part from his lips. You have to bit your bottom lip to seal in another delighted chuckle when your eyes open to see his, closed. Honey blond lashes fanned against his cheeks and pretty, wet lips still slightly puckered for more kisses. It never ceased to charm you how such a large, handsome and objectively intimidating man could simultaneously produce the most adorable mannerisms. 

"I hope you can feel comfortable enough to do it more in the future. If the urge strikes. Liiiike another lost battle against a box. Or anything really. Whatever. You don't have to hold any part of yourself back from me, Reiner. Okay?" 

His eyes had fluttered open as soon as you began to speak. His head nods a bit. A slight up and down motion you feel more than see, with your foreheads still touching. Reiner's eyes close again as he presses forward for another kiss. 

You pull back, increasing the distance between your faces as both your hands move to cup his cheeks. "I mean it." 

Finally his mouth quirks up in a smile, "I got it." 

"Good." Index fingers from both of your hands twiddle the short hairs just above his ears. "So you get that also means if the urge strikes to curse in a positive way?"

"Positive way?" Rei's brows knit together as he tilts his head just a smidge to the left. "Maybe I don't, got it." 

Another short burst of laughter leads your response, "Yeah. Positive way. Like overcome with such positive feelings the only words that can truuuly harness the euphoria are curses."

His head cants further at an angle before things click in place. "Oooh. Really?" 

"Mmmhm. Actually, if you wanna be more vocal in general, I'd like that. I love the sound of your moans, but the right words can really hit different." 

"Oh. I can try to talk more, if you like that." 

"Ideally, you'll like it too."

"Mhm." 

You can tell by that short response that he's getting caught up in his head. "Reiner?" Your palms squish in his cheeks gently. "Are you trying to think of what things you'd say?"

"Uh. Maybe. I feel like it'll be awkward. No one's ever asked me to talk more during sex. Didn't know it was a thing, to be honest."

Pulling your hands from his face you mute the TV. The DVD Title Menu music was becoming a bit overestimating for this conversation. With the repetitive sounds silenced you maneuvered your body to more comfortably talk with Rei. One leg tucked up between you both, other still situated over the front of the couch. Soft, fluffy blanket redistributed over both of your lower halves.

Reiner, resettled himself in a more comfy position too. Elbow resting against the back of the couch so he could lean his cheek on his knuckles. It wasn't uncommon for conversations to bloom up and distract you both from previously set plans. While it had been a bit unsettling at first, he really relished them now. He was unused to people asking questions and genuinely wanting to hear his thoughts. Okay, that wasn't entirely true. Bertholdt had always been an active listener. So was Pieck. But they'd known each other since elementary school and were close friends.  

Maybe that's what it was. He wasn't used to these kinds of conversations happening so frequently with a romantic partner. None of them had ever been so curious to ask and he'd never gotten around to offering up the information freely. Perhaps that was something he should bring up in his next therapy session. 

"Hmm, do you think it's awkward when I talk while we're having sex?" 

There's quiet confidence paired alongside genuine curiosity situated in your tone. And while it's been many years since he's been a virgin, this simple straightforward question has the tip of his ears flushing hot. 

Reiner forces himself to meet your gaze as he responds, "No. I just figured…I don't know. Just never thought about it."

"Not that anyone should use them as any kind of blueprint for real sex, but is there no dirty talk in the porn you watch? Like, the dudes. Do they not say anything?"

If he'd been eating or drinking, he would've certainly choked. Mark this down for another topic he's never discussed with a partner before. "Uh, no? Maybe? Like you said, I don't really watch to pick up tips or tricks." Okay. Maybe that wasn't fully the truth. Some videos had certainly sparked fantasies he's put into motion once or twice. 

"Okay, fair." Lifting up the blanket, you move the leg you've had extended over the front of the couch, across Reiner's lap. "Hmm…We'll have to find you more memorable porn, babe." 

You snort out a laugh and the sounds eases the tension of embarrassment coiling in his gut. His free arm slips beneath the blanket to hug your leg close to his body. The heat from his palm is distinct as he smooths his hand up and down the outward side of your leg. "You've got to be the first girl I've ever met that wants their boyfriend to watch more porn." 

"I'm most definitely not. You just haven't reached that stage of information security clearance with other women yet. And I'll have you know, I was implying you need to watch better porn, not necessarily, more." A giant grin stretches across your face after putting on a mockingly serious voice for that last sentence. Obviously, you're in a very playful mood tonight and the energy is infectious. 

"Ah. Forgive me, that's a very important difference right there."

"Damn right it is!" 

Reiner can't help but shake his head at the ridiculous exclamation even has laughter rumbles out through his lips.

[indescribeable]

Wait for your love I Chapter 1

So I made a post about this fic a WHILE ago now but I finally got around to writing the first chapter! This will be cross-posted on Ao3 if anyone would rather read it there! I really hope you guys like this and based on reactions and my motivation well lack there off we will see how this goes. This fic will also contain a few OC's Also, I know I keep saying this but to those who have asks still pending I am SO SORRY I just haven't had the motivation but I'm sure a lot of you feel me on that one ALSO TRIGGER WARNING this fic will eventually include smut and will explore topics of abuse, PTSD and non-con and eating disorders I will put lines like this ~~~~~~~~ above and below chapters that contain those subjects so please be aware of this! <3 Anyway hope you enjoy Also Yes Wait for Your Love by Ariana is at the bottom of this post as I got my inspiration for the fic itself and the title while listening to the song so I hope you enjoy it! <3

Mika had been through a lot of hardships in her life her father’s constant abuse, Lisette’s constant abuse, Andrew's constant abuse, the depression, the PTSD, the eating disorder and anxiety, the loss of her grandmother, the loss of her grandfather and even the trauma that came from finding 5 men bleeding on the floor of her newly bequeathed mansion and then that leading to being kidnapped and almost killed by a psychotic devil and then following that up with an incredibly angry succubus trying to take her boys away from her but this, this was harder. Watching the five men she had grown to love and adore in this world find their love with others. It had been just over 2 years since she had met the boys and only a few weeks into their stay with her she started to develop feelings for all of them that she hid incredibly well even from Damien and he could read minds. Weeks turned into months, months of pain being so deeply in love but watching them drift away, watching them each find someone they loved with their entire being, months of giving advice and reassurance that they in fact could love and that they had nothing to worry about, months of helping them plan dates, helping them solve arguments, helping them pick out gifts and then eventually engagement rings and wedding tuxedos all while slowing dying inside her heart shattering into a million little pieces.

When they each left to move on with her life she stayed strong. She put on a happy face, wished them all the happiness in the world and let them go until she was alone. The house felt so empty without them it was something she couldn’t bear anymore all she was doing was spiralling into self-pity and depression so she decided that if they moved on she needed to as well. Since James the eldest of the five brothers had taken over her grandfather’s company her father had no choice but to let her choose to do whatever she wished with her life. It was something she would be forever grateful for, so she focused on something she loved that helped her get her mind off everything. Mika had been taking dance lessons since before she can remember much to her father's dismay but to appease him she kept straight A’s a 4.0 GPA and took part in whatever ridiculous company events he wished along with taekwondo lessons, her grandfather also paid for all her dance lessons so that helped but her father was never 100% satisfied, he let her continue her lessons so that was something. After high school, she had managed to get full scholarships to multiple universities but the offer that shook her the most was her full-ride scholarship to Julliard the only problem being it was in New York. Sure she had received scholarships from some of the best dance schools in the country even from schools in Chicago but she had a choice to make. The boys or her future, she was beginning to reach her limit.

The boys obviously had no idea about how she felt about them though they did love her but like a sister. As such she was invited to every event, every meal and it was getting harder and harder to sit there and endure the torment of seeing them so happy with their wives not to mention she was the only one who seemed to notice how much they seemed to hate her bar Twila who was quiet yes but friendly and honestly incredibly sweet the perfect match for Damien and that hurt even more. Each new event was becoming more and more uncomfortable for her so she decided to accept the Juilliard offer if she was going to make it through the rest of her life she needed to get away. The boys were devastated upon finding out that she was moving away but were ultimately happy for her and wished her luck. The worst part was the smug look on the wives' faces at the airport as she left and the tearful hugs shared between her and the boys but as she left she willed herself not to look back she couldn’t because if she did she would never have been able to leave so now hear she sat in her last year of university in one of the most magical cities in the world sure she was incredibly homesick and still missed the boys like crazy but she didn’t realise when she left for New york how deeply in love she would fall in over the city.

It was getting close to Christmas so there was constant snowfall the city constantly changing between being covered in a white blanket of snow and brown and grey slush from all the foot traffic that came through it every day. Her dorm room was so nice heating and AC, crisp white walls though they were covered head to toe in posters and pictures, a lovely plush beige carpet, large bay windows looking out over the city and a decent amount of room considering the room was shared. Mika took the left side while her roommate Jada took the right. Mika was so nervous moving in and meeting her the first day but she turned out to be one of the warmest, kind and honestly badass people she had ever met. They were both vastly different but they managed to somehow get along incredibly well, Mika had a Japanese American background while Jada had an African American background, they both had very different tastes in everything from food to music but it was what they loved about each other they where honestly like each others missing halves in a way and Mika was beyond grateful for her. They spoke about anything and everything literally of course them both being witches helped that but Jada knew everything about Mika and her situation and let's just say Mika fears the day Jada ever meets the guys It’s incredibly fair to say she was not best pleased with the whole situation.

Mika was currently sitting at one of the windows in her dorm snuggled up under a fluffy blanket wearing a light brown teddy bear fleece paired with fur-lined black leggings, miss matched black and white fluffy socks and her hair was up in a loose bun. She was content happily cupping a steaming mug of hot chocolate in her hands watching the small puffs of snow flying past her window. Thankfully her ankle was now out of its cast but it still wasn't 100% yet after what happened.

Mika thanks to her father's treatment never allowed herself to rest she was always pushing herself trying to be what she believed was good enough though she’s never actually got to the point where she thought that she was enough. She had been skipping meals, overworking herself and pushing herself beyond her limits, Jada always liked to say one day she would end up working herself to death and to be fair she wasn't far off being correct in that assumption. Mika ended up truly pushing herself too far over the edge this time ultimately fainting in practice and breaking her ankle, she didn't know what was worse though a dancer hurting their ankle now causing them to have a constant weakness in their ankle broken or not or the fact that she did it 3 months before her final showcase, the showcase was basically the most important event in her life right now there would be scouts from multiple dance companies around the world coming to watch the performances, she needed to be there and she needed to be the best for her future career, the pressure was on but she could still say she was at least somewhat happy, this was something she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl and she would stop at nothing to get to the finish line if not just for her but her grandfather as well. He had been so supportive and put in so much work to help her pursue everything she wanted in life, dance her magic studies even her regular studies, the worst thing she could dream of would be letting him down and that would not be an option for her.

Before tears could start forming in her eyes over the memories of her grandfather she heard the lock to the door go before revealing a very cold and very displeased Jada. Her light blonde curly hair was shoved up in a messy ponytail the platinum locks matching incredibly well with her milk chocolate skintone. Her dark whiskey eyes were set in an unimpressed scowl though not directed at anyone in particular. Her large white puffer jacket black jeans and snow boots were covered in small flakes and her rosy cheeks were shining brightly in the light of the dormroom. Mika had to stifle a giggle at her very distressed and very dishevelled roommate.

“Someone doesn't look happy” Mika couldn't help the teasing smirk appearing on her lips.

“I HATE winter! It’s cold! And wet! And it's doing nothing for my hair!” Jada huffed the last few words struggling to rip the drenched puffer jacket off her slender frame eventually giving up sighing in defeat and blowing a stray curl out of her eyes.

“A little help over here!?” Mika chuckled before placing down her hot chocolate and untangling herself from the warmth of her blanket making her way over to help her friend escape the drenched jacket hanging it up to dry in the bathroom. Finally having escaped the offending clothing item Jada flopped onto her bed tiredly turning her head to look at Mika who had returned to her place at the window hot chocolate nestled back between her slender fingers.

“How's the ankle? Any improvements?” Mika turned to look at her in response a small smile on her face though there was still sadness in her eyes.

“It's getting there it hardly hurts when I put pressure on it anymore and I've almost completely regained my balance.”

Jada’s face lit up with one of her signature warm smiles her eyes slightly creasing at the corners. “Way to go girl! Im proud of you, you put in a lot of work but I still say you need a break” Mika scoffed turning her attention back to the window.

“I don't have time for a break the showcase is in just over a month and im completely behind on my practice not to mention that I haven't even been able to attend practice to watch the routine I planned out because Miss Sharp insisted I stay on “bed rest”.

Jada let out an exasperated sigh sitting up on her bed before getting up and making her way over to sit across from Mika at the window shoving her legs under the blanket with Mika and gently grabbing her hand with a serious look on her face.

“Look Meeks I love you, you know I do but the whole reason you are in this mess is because you weren't taking care of yourself, even if your ankle fully heals within the next few hours you still won't be ready physically to come back to practice, look you have already choreographed and planned out the entire show and Aiko and I have made sure everything is how you want it to be. You need a break. I think you should go home for Christmas.”

Mika looked as if she had been struck eyes wide in fear, Jada of course knew everything about the boys and that whole situation they had become so close to each other that they basically knew all of each other's secrets and she knew how hard it had been for Mika.

“Are you insane?! There is no way im going home.” Mikas face softened from surprised to sad “I can't do it, Jada, it hurts too much.”

Jada let out a sad sigh before lightly squeezing Mika's hand with hers. “Look I know that it's hard for you but you can't keep avoiding them forever even if they seem to be avoiding you.” The last part of that sentence was spoken with icy venom, Mika had tried to get in contact with the boys multiple times but the calls either ended up going to voice mail or somehow the boy's wives always ended up answering, she had tried their house phones, personal phones even work phones but she could never get through. It saddened her not getting to hear their voices, there were times during her stay at uni when she really needed them, needed to hear them, needed to hear their reassurance and the warmth in their voices but she was never successful.

“Girl look first things first you miss home, you miss Naomi and Suzu heck you even miss the little cafe you always used to go to, you wouldn’t just be going to see them, you can't let their dumb ass decisions rule your life plus you might be able to figure out what the hell is going on, based on everything you’ve told me I wouldn’t think they would treat you like this and that means a lot coming from me based on the way I feel about them” Jada emphasized the last bit of her sentence causing a light chuckle to pass through Mikas lips.

Mika set down her hot chocolate for the second time reaching over to give Jada a tight squeeze which was reciprocated immediately. “What would I do without you?”

Jada chuckled before responding. “I don't think either of us would like to find out the answer to that question but im gonna take that as a yes?” She finished her question with a hopeful lilt to her voice.

Mika untangled herself from Jada’s arms sitting back and giving her a gentle nod and warm smile. “Yes, I'll go home already geez I didn't realise you were that desperate to get rid of me.” At that, Jada gave Mika a light punch to the arm causing Mika to lean back rubbing her arm and feigning a hurt expression.

“Ohh, please! I didn't even hit you hard!” Both girls chuckled at finally separating for the night.

Jada headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed and Mika making her way over to her desk flipping open her laptop the blue light of the screen illuminating her face a few seconds after the power button was pressed. She searched through multiple sites for affordable plane tickets for what felt like hours, unfortunately, everything went up in price around Christmas time so it was exceedingly hard to find the ticket she wanted for a fair price. Eventually, though she managed to find the ticket she wanted at a fairly reasonable price, well as reasonable as it was gonna get at that time of year quickly purchasing them waiting for the confirmation email and then shutting her laptop and heading to bed for the night. Nerves raced through her body at the thought of going home but finally, she drifted off nervous for the days to come.

[alexanderlightweight]

Hello! First of all I want to say I love your work!

I just saw your post about some entitled person complaining about you not using readmore (if I got it right?) and

1. People need to remember that they are able to turn off long post/turn on long post shortening in their settings on mobile so they're really just being rude about something that they can do something about on their own end

and

2. We can actually use readmore on mobile! You just need to type :readmore: in a new paragraph/line and hit enter! Just in case you ever do want to use it, but quite honestly? You do you and if people can't deal with how you do it then thats their problem, they do have options if it bothers them :3

Anon, you and another anon are just the sweetest people who both are trying to help me with this and let me just say, i appreciate it so so much. I have now somewhat figured out the mobile readmore though i need to fix it as i got it wrong a couple times.

But honestly, your reassuring me that i can do what i want on my blog is just, really soothing for my anxiety. so thank you a lot!!! because my brain likes lying to me and sometimes it's easier to believe someone i haven't met than the people i live with.

you 100% got it right. tbh it was just them replying to a fic i really enjoyed writing with a 'use a god damn read more' and nothing about the fic or anything else. which like, if you don't care about the fic and just the length of my posts please block me?

and tbh if it hadn't been so rude or distressing i wouldn't have been so upset. it's just, i only even saw the comment by accident (my notifications are horrible about telling me when someone has replied) so i kind of freaked out because how was i supposed to know it was even a problem for people?

i would have been happy if they'd asked me without swearing or been demanding in an ask and it would have been fine if they'd used anon if they didn't want me to know who they were. and then my bf took over because my social anxiety got triggered and just blocked them and talked me down from my 'omg i'm triggering people to the point they're upset at me and im a terrible person' mental spiral that i fell into. and i'm sure the person didn't mean to trigger me, but i do talk pretty openly about my anxiety on here so saeth agreed i should write a post about how not to request things. so that i can at least say i tried if this happens again.

also they're blocked and i didn't respond to them or call them out because 1) i don't need more negativity/they don't deserve access to me/my stuff and 2) they could have just been having a really, really bad day and they don't need the guilt of knowing they sent someone into a triggered anxiety spiral and almost made them stop writing an entire fic. or the stress of being 'called out'. it's healthier for both of us to just not interact at this point, i feel.

and while bad days doesn't excuse being shitty to other people ever!!! i personally just hope they find their equilibrium and learn better coping mechanisms and how to request things. but its also not my problem to fix, hence why blocking.

thank you for the care and the compliment and just reaching out! sorry i kinda ended up rambling because i'm still a little anxious about the whole thing and how i handled it

lumine

[jarmeat]

To you.

Hey.

I hope this message finds you well.

And I hope you find it at all.

Before I begin, I'd like to say that this could be potentially triggering to read. But I had to write this out to let you know what's going on.

It's actually probably more for me, to be honest. To write out my feelings and be able to organize some of my thoughts for me to better navigate them.

I've made the judgment call that it's probably best that we don't talk for a while. I don't even know if I should apologize or not, because I'm unable to tell if you even want to associate with me anymore.

I've found myself torn the last few days trying to figure out what I wanted. I would feel sad, angry, and depressed when you wouldn't talk to me or give me a reply that I was satisfied with. But when you did reply with something I was okay with, or when I did spend time with you, it just felt..numb. We've both been using that word pretty frequently lately, haven't we.

Considering the possibility of you actually liking someone else, regardless of whether or not you choose to pursue that, would put me in a state of mind that I am incapable of dealing with at the moment. While I've detached quite a bit the last week or so, I still am sure that I would not be able to handle it.

In any case, I'd like to thank you for a beautiful fleeting moment within my life. It was brief. But more than anything, it felt like happiness. Perhaps too much, as we spoke about. I will apologize for not understanding how your BPD affects you and how to work around it. I didn't realize that chasing the highs would create lower lows, and I'm sorry that I potentially contributed to that for you. I've been doing tons of research about how to interact with people with BPD, and like we've discussed before, I am suspecting myself to have BPD and will be going to therapy hopefully soon to address my concerns.

I became extremely attached to you, and I was ping ponged around. I was told I was liked. I was told that your intentions were to be together forever. I was told that you might like someone else. I was told you weren't ready for a relationship. I was told you don't know your intentions anymore. I was told you really do like me. I was told you wanted my attention. I was told I was wasting my time. I was told sorry.

The day you told me that you think you like someone else, I lost it. I tried to keep my cool, I really did. But that day, there were multiple times I nearly ended it. I drove to the beach, and my mind was SCREAMING at me to just turn the wheel while I was on the highway. I literally had to scream out loud myself in order to shut out the urge.

When I arrived at the beach, I found a fairly high cliff that I took solace in, but those voices spoke to me yet again. It was a high place. I had to lie down in order to prevent myself from giving in. I walked up to the waves and they were beckoning for me to join their recession back into ocean.

You told me you didn't want to stop talking to me completely. But I've initiated everything since. And you've continuously spent more and more time with the guy you said you maybe liked or had a crush on. Except without me this time.

I feel nothing but coldness from you now. As friends, that is okay. But my mind still cannot see us as just friends quite yet.

I really cannot blame you for any of this, considering these are textbook examples of BPD behaviors. But still, as someone who is potentially BPD also, these are things that tore me to shreds. And it's caused me to spiral completely out of my control.

I will tell you everything that's been going on behind the scenes with me, and how badly I've been dealing with this.

I've been staring at my computer screen for hours on end. I am constantly checking your blogs to see if you've posted anything new or anything about me. I'm always checking your twitter. I'm constantly checking your status on discord. My heart drops if I see you online, because I know what's coming (or not, rather.)

And I wait. I wait to see if you will initiate a conversation with me. I wait to see if you will invite me to play. I wait to see what your next move is, but there is no next move.

I have been staying up overnight due to the inability to sleep, and it helped because at some point passed 24 straight hours of being awake, I began to feel numb. Not only that, but it helped because I wouldn't have the insecurity-attacking dreams I'm so very fond of.

I've been avoiding people. I've been irritable. I've been angry. I've been depressed. I've been numb. I've even been content. I've been feeling so many different emotions and I cannot regulate ANY of them. Any single one of them could occur at any given moment, and it's been fucking with me so hard because I haven't dealt with this before. At least not with this intensity.

The day I went to the beach, I needed something. So I picked up smoking again.

The day before my birthday, I began to self harm. Five days later as I'm writing this, there is fresh blood drying on me.

I never thought I'd be pushed to this, but I think allowing myself to be vulnerable again after 6 years only to be brought to what arguably is my lowest point, in such a short amount of time, I'm just looking for any way possible to distract myself from the pain and disappointment I'm experiencing.

I will be blocking you from here onwards on discord, and I will probably no longer be using twitter as it has been terrible for my mental health as well. Again, I would say I'm sorry, but with the way things have been, I don't know if it matters to you or not. That may be selfish of me to say knowing your history with BPD, but at some point, I need to prioritize myself and be selfish once in a while.

I will say I'm sorry for the situation as a whole. I truly felt something genuine for you, and I felt that we could make it work. But I was a fool to think that I was capable of handling the type of emotional burden you hold within you while not even being able to handle my own.

I still hold love for you. I've known you for years. So please take care while I'm gone. I hope that if you need it, you seek help and receive it. I hope that if you pursue a relationship, it goes well for you.

I will still be around if you need me. You have my phone number. But if you contact me, please tell me your intentions.

Thank you. For everything.

[moralalee]

21/08/2024 (2)

It is still a Wednesday. Just barely, it’s about 12:30am so technically I’m going to be talking about yesterday.

Woken up by Luca again. Again, a struggle to get out of bed. Some things never change. I got up, fed the baby boy, took my pill and knocked on BF’s door to make sure she was awake. She was meant to have gotten up at 6 but hadn’t managed to. She was supposed to have already gone for a shower. I apologised and told her I had to go for mine and that I always do at the same time every day. She understood.

CW had sent a bunch of long paragraphs to the group chat. He had spent the night hanging out with the girl he likes, who he’s totally not in a situationship with and who had already told him she doesn’t want a relationship. He was ecstatic cause they had been blurring the line between friends and more, and he was surprised when the rest of us told him he was playing with fire. It’s hard to sit back and watch someone do something you know is just going to get them hurt. He says he knows what he’s doing, but I think if he really got it, he wouldn’t put himself in the position he is. He just keeps getting his hopes up and thinking she’s going to change her mind.

Had my shower, got dressed while responding to the group chat. Was feeling pretty awful this morning. Maybe I was just tired or maybe it was due to something else, I don’t know. Got to work early, as per. SC told us that BR is going to be out for two weeks on a sick line. This sent me spiralling a little bit. I know realistically we’ll be fine, but I was feeling so awful at that moment and I knew that this meant I had to hold things together. I can’t be feeling sorry for myself because there’s just too much to be done.

Side note, I just had to get up and check on Luca and he’s randomly so obsessed with the kitchen sink. Doesn’t do anything, just sits and stares at it. And earlier today he started yowling and I went through and he was just sat inside the bathtub. He was totally fine, could jump out himself, it just seemed like he wanted me to see him there.

Back to it, work was uneventful aside from that. Got on with things, felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight enough, CA checked in with me which was nice of him. It’s started raining really heavy today which has made me happy. I love the rain and I feel like we haven’t had any properly in a while. Yesterday (well, Monday) when I drove home from mum & dad’s it was raining hard and I was listening to the Life is Strange soundtrack, it was so nice. I hope we start getting more rain in autumn.

Another side note, Luca just did the tub thing again. Reddit said maybe he just likes the sound of his own voice or maybe he’s thirsty (he has a cat fountain so shouldn’t be really) so I turned on the tap and now he’s just playing in the water. It’s nearly 1am, lmao. He’s now figured out how to turn the tap and moved it so there was tons of water.

In the afternoon at work, I had nothing left to do. I had already finished up my tasks in the morning and the phone was barely ringing. Tried asking SC for more stuff but really there was nothing I was needed for. I had a thought before then with my baking about how it would be fun to sort of log it and keep track of my progress, like vlog or something. And then this afternoon I thought “Maybe I could blog, it would be easier to write things out and I could talk about things I’m interested in too, like if there’s a game I’m into or a topic I’m passionate about.” I thought about different ways I could do that, like Squarespace or whatever but I knew it would be ridiculous to pay for my own website. Then I remembered Tumblr exists. I went to sign up with an email address I assumed I didn’t have an account with already, but it turns out I did. I reset my password, logged in and found all of this. I had nothing to do anyway, so I sat and read my old entries and listened to the music I posted. When I reached the end, I kind of felt like crying (although I had felt pretty weepy today anyway).

I had a whole different life back then. I had so many people I used to think about and be friends with, so many worries, and now everything is different. The crush I wrote about, the pandemic, skiving like half my classes (seriously, pretty much every entry I read had “I skived this class today”).

I considered archiving the old posts and setting the account up fresh for my baking idea, and then I thought I should keep the old posts. They are a part of me and it makes me happy having them here, I want them to exist in the same space as the new posts I make.

When I got home, I yapped away to BF, just blabbering really. I had felt so bored in the afternoon that it felt good to just chat about nothing. She was trying to read though and I didn’t want to interrupt her by watching stuff or anything, so I decided to go nap even though I wasn’t really tired. It gave me a chance to reboot a bit though. I felt better afterwards. Had pizza for dinner and watched Law and Order: SVU. All in all, a pretty typical day. I’m gonna make a little list though of things I want to get done tomorrow, because currently I’ve been feeling so exhausted that I’m getting lazy with it.

• Wash dishes - ridiculous pile there, needs dealt with

• Clean Luca’s litter tray

• Do a partial water change of William’s tank

Luca is being particularly active right now so I’m really hoping he settles now that I’m going to try to sleep. He’s been bouncing about for the half hour I’ve been writing this. Instead of the usual gif, I’ll have our footer be the picture I took of Luca when he decided to sit in the bath. Goodnight!

[turtlemagnum]

i seem to have misremembered both that hoax and this reddit post of his as confirmation of that hoax. good to know i've been wrong! sorry to have spread misinformation!

what the text says for screenreader people because there's not enough room in the alt text:

To reply to a deleted comment: I’m not hiding, this has just taken some time to write.

I took down that tumblr post because I honestly don’t remember it (I’ll get to my mental problems of late 13 to early 15) and it’s ugly enough to be misconstrued and even if it could be construed there’s little positive value in it. What it looks like I’m trying to say is, “There’s a whole lotta weird dick admiration for this heinous shit but where’s all the love for the heinous shit Vivec did with their other bits?”

That’s my read of it, anyway. But you want a bigger explanation, though, some kind of wide and comprehensive one. I mean that’s the point of this whole thing, so sure, let’s talk. This is going to be long.

For over ten years, I abused liquor and benzos, a combination that tends to kill you. It started as a way to deal with anxiety and depression until it just became my life. I finally got to the rock bottom point where I didn’t want to die, so I went into detox (very soon I’ll hit my seventh year sober, but that’s not really part of this). What happened after detox was a shitload of terrifying stuff that no one told me about that happens early on (or maybe just happened to me) that I'm only just now getting my head around. This is where the nightmare starts.

It was terrifying stuff like getting out of detox and not quite being... well, it’s a lot like having missing time but that isn't the right term... getting out of detox and not being fully present in my own skin for a whole year and some change. I'm not talking about the pink cloud or readjusting to a life without drinking and drugs (all of which one can read about and find comfort in), but stuff like…

Thinking I was dead and a ghost, like for real-real thinking I was dead and in hell and still communicating with my wife. As in, only she could see me but only through some kind of magic glass. At one point, I thought I had to stand in the shower and talk through the glass door so she could hear me properly.

Being convinced that people were out to get me, sometimes a weird shadow consortium of psychiatrists and law enforcement, other times the friends I was having lunch with, or online circles of people that I “knew” were laughing at my confusions, and sometimes it was simply supernatural entities like demons, magicians, or, yes, ghosts.

Having a looping always-happening sense of deja vu, where I was stuck in a state of I was just there doing these things just then, a Groundhog Day but in seconds. It turned out to be my brain rewriting itself while finding a new medication cocktail with my doctor. And finding that was hard because I was convinced we had already done it six seconds ago and why was this doctor trying to trick me? Again? Everyone, including myself, felt like it was tricking me into thinking— into believing— that what I was doing just now was something I did just a moment before.

Putting myself in strange situations because I thought after detox I was invincible, or the funniest person alive, or a fashion statement from the future, or a secret lockpick to the underground (whatever that meant but it definitely meant something enough for me to keep talking about it for awhile) or a cruel demigod who could say anything to anyone without guilt or admonishment. In this stage of thrilling horribleness, I said awful things while kicking shoes off and jumping on tables that I believed would spiral up like Enochian discs up through the air to golden thrones.

Practicing automatic writing, asking people for music soundtracks for capital-I important projects I was doing, and honest to God trying to make clocks tick backwards with my mind.

Trembling, rambling, full on panicking that I had been replaced by someone else and yet still stuck inside them. Constant passenger, my wife unable to know it, her being tricked instead by my epidermal doppelgänger.

“Reliving" portions of my childhood where I discovered horrible secrets about my father and my babysitters and by discovered I really mean making shit up to explain what was happening to me in this haze of being sober and in a batshit crazy living nightmare because I got sober.

This is the stuff that they don’t tell you. Or at least didn’t tell me. I went into a facility to get better, to conquer insobriety, and when my insurance ran out, they said I was good to go. That’s another thing that they don’t tell you: your journey to healing is only on their premises for as long as your deductible allows. Maybe they do tell you and I didn’t listen because the reason I got into detox was I was simply going to die if I didn’t. My drinking had become so bad that blacking out was more the norm than just being awake. Either way, my post-detox was a nightmare because— in the well-deal-with-it state— you are in no way ready to be outside, unsupervised, your brain and body unable to deal with an unregulated withdrawal that turns you into a goddamn alien. And it lasts for what seems like forever (especially the phase of infinite deja vu).

What I did have is my wife, who patiently carried my post-detox psychoses with me, helping me to ride it out. Ride it out for a year to eighteen months, no matter how scary it must have gotten for her, what with my brain transforming its interactions with reality, each variation of that unannounced, each variation bringing new ways to make me feel unable to be really ever human again. And when you feel like that, you often get angry at everything (becoming sober was supposed to heal you not twist you up and dump you on an unrecognizable earth), or you get elated because you are a pillar of newfound power, messianic and reborn, without need for conscience or restraint (“I say what I want!”), or you get frightened because you’re now a shower ghost with no way back to someone you love so much.

My wife brought me back. She found me doctors that could help. Cleaned up after me. Put up with my mean-spirited tirades and unearthly new manias. Reminded me our dog always knew who I was because he could smell through all my unwanted disguises.

I hurt a lot of friendships, a lot of people I didn’t know, and a lot of co-workers during this time. I wrote things I don’t understand, don’t condone, and half the time don’t remember. I was awful when I was supposed the be getting better. If you got to know me from anywhere between 2013-2015, I’m really sorry, I thought I had no way back to sanity. And in the ten years before, I wasn’t much better.

-MK

*I meant to post some of this during National Recovery Month but you wanted some kind of answer.

just described a bit of khajiit lore to my grandma and she said facetiously, "and how many drugs were we on writing this?", not knowing a damn thing about michael kirkbride. i hear he's gotten clean in more recent years and is self reportedly far better off for it, but you've gotta admit that from the standpoint of the writing itself there's something to be said about the combination of unsustainable quantities of acid and a theology degree to creating a very distinct identity and feel

[deanisridingapolarbear-blog]

Gather around children we are back to: Empyre/GOTG/Teddy’s traitor theories (yaas boys)

To be honest I think @bladorthin​ already wrote down most of the feelings (see his post here) I have about this issue. I was very happy after the last month’s disappointment and it’s clear that Ewing cares for his characters and is overall talented writer and creator here. Never read GOTG but still I’m hooked for this and so excited to get more just like when reading Empyre last year. Also the art and colouring style were something that I enjoyed as well. It pleased my aesthetic eye.

So what do I have to give for this? Theories (as the heading told ya). I’m sure I’m not the only one eagerly anticipating to see when the ”betrayal” storyline starts and I think this is it and I have few ideas how this might go.

Super-Skrull and the Cult Skrulls. Just to me it would not seem too far fetched that old sworn warrior like Super-Skrull would be part of something like that and he is close to Teddy. Teddy trusts him. Also based on some descriptions it seems that this run is going to tie in with S.W.O.R.D stuff and to me Super-Skrull as the bad guy and Cult Skrulls involved it would make sense. and think Valerio Schiti had this picture on his instagram recently and the bottom left ”ray” looked a bit like Billy to me when I first saw it, not sure about that, but that arm is very likely Super-Skrull’s hand right? 

The circle thing (probably around his neck) is something that Billy’s cape has recently had. Teddy has it on his cape so doubt it’s Teddy also Teddy rarely uses hands like that (unlike Super-Skrull). So has Super-Skrull shape shifted to Billy while having Billy trapped somewhere? Will he make Teddy think Billy has betrayed him? Think those are valid options.

Now my initial theory is that Billy won’t betray Teddy and don’t really see that happening. I pack this up currently with the Marvel Voices Pride issue coming out in June. It’s supposed to include story with Teddy and Billy right? Written by Heinberg. Now I know Marvel comics timelines and continuums are blurry at times and the story can take part in the past, present, future or another universe whatever, but hear me out. The issue should be coming out around same time as GOTG issue 15 that probably still ties in with what has started today. I do think the story in Pride issue will be a standalone that does not tie in with any specific storyline as such and probably (hopefully) something not too serious and little fluffy (we all need a bit of fluff right). But I doubt it will take place in the past (might be wrong though) because it just doesn’t really make sense. With the current storyline happening it’s also bit unlikely that the story would be set in the middle of all this Doom and Cult-Skrull stuff, so future it is. Future indicating that there’s going to be a future for Billy and Teddy thus Billy won’t be betraying Teddy, or at least it won’t be anything so drastic that they’d break up. I just doubt that Marvel would include them in that issue if they were about to trash the relationship.

From this theory it’s good to jump to Doom. I noticed that people were a bit annoyed that our boys didn’t beat Doom right away. However, I think they were really taken by surprise. I’m not too familiar with Doom’s history but at least Billy or Teddy haven’t been dealing with him in the space so it would be just natural that they did not expect the robots to be Doom’s creations. Also if you are surprise attacked and shot down (Billy looked quite unconscious there), you are not likely to beat someone like Doom by the snap of your fingers are you? So I think that was kind of well done and planted. And the more I think about this scene the more last years and 2019 comics tie in with all this storyline, or at least with Billy and Teddy in mind.

This panel (sorry bladorthin stole it from your post) made me a bit sceptical that maybe Billy is involved with Teddy’s betrayal after all. 

Something in that line just got me don’t know what but it made me feel like Billy assumed the robots should know about the alliance for some reason. Did he recognise the magic? But then again he was surprised they had magic in them. But then I realised Strikeforce and Vridai (you know the mushroom guys), Billy literally left a doom robot he controlled there so Doom probably managed to get some information through that or it might have let him to the Vridai that had more knowledge/memories of Billy’s. It’s a bit unclear at what point Billy visited Teddy before he left to space but probably after the doom robot part. Still, surely guy like Doom would be able to get his memories and the information about the Alliance one way or another with the help of Vridai.

Also we see that Doom gets Teddy’s sword here, which is another proof for me that Billy hasn’t betrayed Teddy at least with Doom because we see the sword broken in the Aftermath. Or at least they manage to get the sword back. With Doom I get a feeling there might also be involvement of Wanda or Magneto, like whose his bride this time? Does someone know?

But I doubt Billy himself will actually betray his hubby. What I think might be interesting storyline if he makes a deal of some sort with Doom to get Teddy’s sword back or to beat the Cult Skrulls (I think they are going to end up being the big bad guys that leads to the Aftermath cliff-hanger), which to Teddy might appear as a betrayal if he doesn’t get the whole truth at once -> which is why he thinks his grandmother was right but then Billy has gotten help from S.W.O.R.D -> they save Teddy at the end like we see in the Aftermath.

So yeah I still believe it won’t be Billy but I can see now that Super-Skrull might use his shape-shifting and with the cult and all make Billy look like a traitor to Teddy. Also Billy making some sort of deal with Doom to save Teddy’s empire makes sense, it would be something Billy would do. It would be something so selfless and supportive and let’s face it leadership stuff keeping his people safe. But it might look like betrayal to Teddy seeing Doom first stole his sword. Billy can also see alternative realities so he would know that deal with Doom is the only way and all that.

Ok I stop blabbering now, seriously remembering that picture of Valerio’s changed the course of this post and at first I had even Noh-Var in the cards but will leave it for now (don’t believe in that card that much any way). But would like to point out that T’Challa is in that pic too and he was also in the supper picture, he has also used the Sword and knows about the alliance… ok that’s a whole new idea there. I’d say T’Challa ties in with Doom which might lead to Billy’s ”betrayal”, Super-Skrull will be the ultimate traitor with the cult (like honeslty he didn't seem too bothered with the info about them), Billy and Teddy drift of for a bit but ultimately Billy comes in with S.W.O.R.D to save him.

Please let me know what you think about this brainstorm (literally) that I have had here. I think I’m now having lot of pieces and I see them fitting together nicely and wouldn’t be too surprised if they work out. I want a drink if these theories are proved right.

[astranva]

TikTok Compilation (pt.2)

Word Count: 1.8k

Category: Fluff

Warning: Some language, very, very slight implied smut; like, it’s a line.

Summary: Yet another compilation of Y/N and Harry content on TikTok as a couple.

// masterlist //

a/n i’ve been receiving loads of tiktok requests so i combined some here! y’all have been asking for this for so long, sorry it took me long to post! let me know what you think. stay safe, friends!

..

Surely, you had hoped life would have taken a turn a long time ago with the pandemic.

Going outside without masks and crippling fear seemed like a dream, despite it all having been a reality for most of our lives. And while it was cliché, you truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone, like the boring routine you had complained about but now wished to get back.

And in your case, you also didn’t know that one app could have the ability to make things slightly easier during these times – TikTok.

Call it as you may, but quarantine TikTok content was a blessing and while you could swear by that, so could the fans and everyone else on the app since the moment you (and Harry) joined.

Having had tried so many pranks, challenges, and dances, you showed no signs of coming to an end of finding humor and pleasure from the app that Gen Z dominated with the wildest spirits.

With wild spirits, came wild content and for a generation that is openly expressive, there was also wholesome content; all of which Harry’s fans had tagged you to do and try with him.

‘Make your partner impersonate you’

For that one, Harry seemed to be the most excited to do, face beaming with a thousand spiraling ideas of things he could do and say.

The moment the video began, Harry was seen under your white covers, your pink velvet headband that everyone considered iconic rested on his head to show that he was acting like you, pretending to be sleepy as he spoke in a softer voice than his, “Don’t want to get up. More cuddles, please, baby.”

Then video then cut to Harry in the kitchen, you following behind him.

“I wonder where H is, need to pinch his bum.” He said in the same pitch he used for the previous shot.

The video then cut to Harry sitting on the couch beside you, holding his phone, “Baby, look at that!” He showed you his phone, showing you a video on TikTok, “Can we do it?”

‘Wipe your lips after your bf kisses you’

For this, you were picking Harry up from the studio.

Waiting in the parking lot, you had your phone placed behind the box of tissues.

To stay safe, you began recording a normal video for you to edit later as you waited for Harry to show.

When he did, Harry looked right and left as he searched for your car before his eyes fell on you and despite the mask on his face hiding half of it, you could tell that he smiled.

Getting inside the car, Harry took off his mask with a sigh, “First time to actually breathe since morning.” He said before leaning closer to you, pressing his lips against yours.

Doing your part, you looked ahead as you wiped your lips with the back of your hand, noticing Harry’s body stiff as he looked at you.

“Did you just-” He paused, “Did you wipe your lips?”

You hummed in confusion, acting as if you hadn’t heard him as you looked at him.

“Did you-Come here,” he frowned before pulling you close by your hoodie’s drawstrings, pressing his lips against yours in a kiss again.

Again, you wiped your lips.

“Why are you doing that?” He asked, not only confusion being evident in his tone, but hurt, too, “Why are you wiping my ki-Babe, I’m clean.”

“What?” You asked, looking at him as you smiled amusingly, trying to contain your laughter.

“Why are you wiping my kiss?” Harry almost whined, frowning.

“I’m sorry, it’s for TikTok,” you giggled, breaking into laughter when he groaned with a roll of his eyes before he grabbed your jaw, kissing your lips more aggressively.

“Never again.”

‘Let go of your partner’s hand and see what they do’

If there was one thing Harry liked to brag about, it was knowing how to multitask; drive with one hand, hold yours with the other.

It was a natural occurrence for the both of you to hold hands when he drove, no matter what.

Deciding to try that one trend, you took advantage of Harry being focused on the road to film your intertwined hands on your thigh for two seconds before taking your hand out of his.

Instantly, Harry glanced at you, seemingly unaware to you tilting your phone in the other hand to film his face, “Why’d you leave my hand?” He only mumbled before opening his palm towards you once again, smiling when he heard you softly giggle as you put your hand back in his, cooing when he raised it his lips, pressing a soft and gentle kiss on your knuckles, “This stays right here.”

‘Film yourself acting like your partner’

Since the TikTok of Harry acting you like received so many reactions, among them were fans asking you to act like Harry as well, and Harry was down to watch that happen.

Harry recorded you, first shot of video being a little shaky as he couldn’t contain his giggles while watching you in his flared pants, an oversized shirt, his cross pendant on your neck between the valley of your chest, rings on your fingers that showed chipped black polish on your nails.

Your hair was gathered up in a scrunchie, one leg over the other as you sat on a chair, “I’m Harry Styles,” you began, “And like, I never explain my music, I let people interpret it the way they want because music,” you sucked a breath, “Is art. It’s a form of expression that isn’t limited, it’s, like, very open. Like the ocean.” You said slowly, mimicking Harry’s accent and smiling at the end when Harry burst out laughing.

For the next shot, you were in Harry’s white bathrobe, coming out of the bathroom before leaning on the doorframe and looking at Harry as he filmed you, “You sure you’re going to let me shower alone, love?”

Another shot was of you in Harry’s joggers and TPWK black hoodie, sprawled on your couch with the hood on, looking at Harry in disbelief as you still mimicked his accent and deep voice, “Excuse me? Why are you standing there and not cuddling me?”

In a grey tank top of his that you dramatically spilt water on to make it look like sweat and sweat shorts, you had Harry’s boxing gloves on your hands as you bumped your fists together, approaching Harry as he recorded, “God, I’m so sweaty, I have to go hug my girlfriend.”

For the final shot, you had Harry’s guitar in your arms, adjusting the strap as you stood, “I’m going to write a song that is so sexual and record it but I’m not going to release it because I’m a biiiiiitch.” You sang, dramatically strumming the guitar.

‘Pretend to take a mirror selfie with your partner then whisper something dirty in their ear’

You enjoyed the sun; the way it sneaked inside yours and Harry’s room from the sides of your curtains, lit up the room so warmly.

You enjoyed how the natural lighting looked for pictures.

You also enjoyed teasing the shit out of your boyfriend.

“Come here,” you made one grabby hand at Harry who entered the room, scratching his chin, “Let’s take a picture.”

Already used to random pictures being taken together, Harry reached you, standing in front of your vanity mirror as he wrapped his arms around you from behind, pressing a kiss against your temple.

Oblivious to it being a video, Harry leaned his chin on your shoulder, giving his famous smug look to the mirror as you held up your phone.

Turning your head, you made sure your voice was low so that your phone wouldn’t pick what you said;

“Want you to pound me.”

And instantly, Harry’s smug look faltered; his eyes widening, face brightening as he looked at you as you giggled before releasing a squeal once you felt him carry you and move you from where you stood, and to the bed as you laughed.

‘Tell your partner your ex wants to return a hoodie of yours’

Propping your phone up, you made sure it showed Harry as he cooked while you sat on the kitchen stool.

You folded your arms on the table, clearing your throat as you eyed Harry while he was chopping carrots.

“Hey, H,” Harry hummed, stealing a glance at you before looking back at his chore, “My ex called earlier,”

At this, Harry’s eyebrows furrowed before he looked up at you, putting down the knife and leaning his hands on the counter, his arms seeming to look bigger as he tensed, “What did he say?”

Trying not to laugh, you looked down, beginning to play with your fingers before giving him a shrug, ���Just that he still has a hoodie of mine at his place,”

“Yeah?”

“And asked if I need it back.”

“What did you say?”

You gave him another shrug, “Said I’ll let him know.”

“Well, do you need it?” He asked, “Like really need it?”

“Yeah, it was my high school’s.”

“But baby, you have a lot of hoodies,” one hand of his reached to his lips, fingers grazing his bottom lip for a moment, “Can get it for you.”

“That’d be so awkward, H,” you sighed.

“Why? I’m your boyfriend.” Harry reasoned, “Maybe I can just come with you,” he said again before his face lit up, “I can have it customized instead. Just tell me how it looked like and-”

“Baby, no,” you chuckled, “It won’t be the same.”

“Come on, love,” he frowned, “He calls you 3 years later to tell you he still has your hoodie. You don’t think that’s suspicious? He knows you’re with m-Everyone knows we’re together.”

“Maybe he forgot,” you shrugged, “Actually, let me call and as-”

“Oh, fuck no!” Harry instantly rushed to you.

‘Aggressively tell your partner you love them’

Chilling on the couch, Harry was watching the TV, unaware of your phone that had been resting on the shelf to record you beforehand.

You stomped where Harry was, whose head snapped to you, his mouth chewing his banana bite slower as he eyed you carefully, taking in your angry state.

You threw your notebook on the couch beside him, “I love you!” You said aggressively, a frown on your face as you pointed at him, “I fucking love you!”

Harry took a moment, his face shifting to one of amusement before he raised his hands up – one holding his banana – before pointing at you, “I fucking love you, too!” He screamed.

“No, no,” you shook your head, still aggressively speaking, “I love you more!”

“I’m so fucking in love with you!” Harry said as aggressively, standing in an instant, towering over you as he pressed himself against you before wrapping one arm around you, “Why are we shouting, you weirdo?”

‘Stick your hand out and see what your partner does’

Harry was sat beside you on his laptop, music blasting from it as he emailed himself some tasks.

Recording him with one hand, you reached your arm out, opening your palm at him.

Harry looked down at your hand, a smile making its way to his face before he looked at you before placing his chin on your hand, closing his eyes as he gave you a dopey smile as you squished his cheeks while giggling, “Hiii.”

[a-mended-pact]

Let the Right One In

A/N: So this is for @boldlyvoid 's challenge. I had so much fun writing this. Even though I'm still super anxious about posting my stories. It's been a pleasure and an honor getting to know you Em. Congratulations on reaching 2k! 🖤

Warning: Mentions of insecurities. Maeve Donovan. Faking a death.

Word count: 2,082

It was midday when I heard knocking on the front door. I was half tempted not to answer. Spencer was away on a case and neither him nor I were expecting anyone. Anyone that would come over at all was away on the case with him or states over. So who could be coming over unannounced? I clumsily headed towards the door. My fuzzy socks are making it difficult to stay balanced on the hardwood floor. A knock came again. It was gentler this time. 

I looked through the peephole and saw a small woman looking around nervously leaning from foot to foot. “Who is it?” I wondered if I could at least get a name. 

“I’m here to see Doctor Spencer Reid. I got his address from Aaron Hotchner.”

  My face blanched at the sound of Hotch’s name. It had been quite some time since anyone had mentioned him. After he went into protective custody with Jack even though the reaper was dead he still chose to stay away. Contact with him was rare and slim. I quickly opened the door and watched her jump back slightly. 

“Who are you?” she asked. She looked around the same age as him. She is actually quite beautiful. I wonder how Spencer knows her? 

“ I’m Y/n Reid.” She tilted her head to the side as she studied me.

 “I didn’t realize Spencer had a sister.” She finally met my gaze and smiled.

 “Is he here or do I need to come back at another time?” A small laugh escaped me 

“No, I am not his sister. I am his wife.” I crossed my arms over my chest and locked my foot in place behind the door keeping it only slightly ajar not letting her see into our home. 

Her face shifted to one of slight surprise. “Oh well I better just go then.” She went to turn away. When a thought crossed my mind.

 “Wait, I can call him if you’d like and let him know you are looking for him. What’s your name?” I was wondering whether this was a good idea or not to even call him but i had already offered and i am already in far too deep to turn back now. 

She stopped not turning to face me again. “My name is Maeve. Maeve Donovan.” 

Maeve. Why did I know that name? Why is my brain going off with alarm bells? But why do I know that name? I watched as she vanished from the hallway down the flight of stairs never turning back around to look at me. 

I slammed the door shut as I racked my brain on if I should mention this to Spencer at all. Especially while he is away on a case. Maybe I should wait until he gets home. He should be home later tonight. At least if the weather was alright over in New Hampshire. He had left me a message earlier this morning to let me know the case was solved and it had started snowing there but their flight wouldn’t be ready till a little later. 

He should be home in about an hour now. I will wait. I’ll definitely wait.

 

~

When Spencer walked through the door he looked sluggish and about ready to just collapse. The exhaustion clearly got to him from not getting enough sleep while he was away. He took off his satchel and his suit jacket. He began undoing his tie as he walked his way into our bedroom. Not even making eye contact with me. 

He came back out moments later in nothing but his flannel sweatpants. “Sorry I know I should have said hello to you. I just felt like I was suffocating in my clothes today.” As he spoke he made his way to the couch where I sat at one end.

 Once he sat down he leaned down and put his head in my lap. I gently started running my fingers through his hair while scratching his head. 

“That feels really nice.” His voice was soft and he let out a quiet sigh as he relaxed into the couch and my lap.

 If I wasn’t petting his head I was gently caressing his back with my fingertips. I know I needed to tell him. I was just so nervous. I knew somewhere deep down this would be stressful to him. The day already has worn him out so completely. It was like he needed my touch to recharge himself. I began biting my lip as my hand stopped on his lower back. 

“Hey, Spence, A woman came by to see you today. She said she got your address from Aaron.” He made a humming noise to let me know that he heard me. “Her name was Maeve Donovan.” I felt his back muscles tense at the sound of her name. He sat up immediately. 

“Wh- what did you say?” He looked at me as if I had just grown an extra head or as if I had just spoken another language.  “Mae-” He cut me off. “No, I heard what you said. I don’t need you to repeat yourself. It’s not possible she was at the door. She is dead. She’s been dead for years.” 

He pushed himself up off the couch, the muscles in his arms flexing more than usual. He was more tense than I have seen him in a long time. The last time I saw him this upset or stressed was when he first came back from prison. We were just dating back then.

“I am going to go call Hotch.” he moved quickly to grab his phone when he finally reached it. It began to ring. He looked at it for a couple of seconds before he answered.

“Hello?” His eyes widened slightly. I watched as he clenched his jaw and tears brimmed his eyes. 

“M-m-maeve?” He leaned himself back against the wall. His breathing became irregular as he slid himself down the cold panel. At the same time I saw a couple of tears leave his eyes.

I sucked in a breath and sighed. Was this going to be the end of us? Now that all the stories Spencer told me of her came back once he said that she was dead.

She was his first love after all. It would only make sense right?

====Spencer’s Pov=====

My vision was blurred beyond recognition. I could hear my blood pumping in my ears as the sound of her voice drifted in and out. This isn’t real. It’s not possible. I watched her die. I saw her. She was pronounced dead at the scene. I mourned her. It’s been years. Nearly a decade.

“Spencer? Can you hear me?” I felt my tears stream down my face, nodding as if she could see me. 

“Yeah, Yeah I can hear you.” My voice cracked as I answered her. 

“Just like old times huh? It’s so nice to hear your voice. I’ve missed you.” My breath hitched at her words. 

I felt my heart hammer in my chest. I glanced up to see if I could find my wife. She was watching me with concern but otherwise she hadn’t moved not yet. All the guards Y/n had torn down throughout the years started building themselves up higher and higher. 

"H-how are you alive? I watched you die." The horrible memories of that fatal day still haunted me. What am I supposed to do now?

Do I still have feelings for her? Is it wrong if I do? I don't know how to handle this. What should I do?

"That's why I came to see you earlier.  It was an idea that I came up with at the last minute.  So I faked my death." Her voice was calmer than my breathing.  I felt the walls Barricading around me to keep me safe. I was suffocating.

I wasn't sure I had heard her right. I could feel my ears ringing as the blood in me ran cold.

"You faked your death and made me believe for a decade that the first person I ever loved died a brutal death because you wanted a new life?" My tone was harsher than I anticipated.

I felt my wife's hands run through my hair in a comforting manner as she lowered herself to the floor with me.

I glanced at Y/n as tears streamed down my face. The memories of Maeve and my feelings for her wreaking havoc on my heart.

"Darling, I think you should hang up. For now anyway." She whispered it as her hand lowered to the back of my neck giving me a gentle message. 

My back stiffened. I was so caught up in my own nightmare I hadn't realized that this is probably a living one for her.

"Spencer. I can expla-" I cut off the call before she could even finish her sentence.  Y/n was right.

"You have a lot you need to process and I'm sure you didn't want to say anything you would regret. I'm sorry if I've overstepped." She looked a little nervous as if I was gonna snap at her the way I had Maeve 

I gently grabbed the hand that was touching me and brought it up to my lips placing a kiss on it.

"Nonsense. You are my wife. You were right. I should have hung up. I just. I don't know how to explain what I was feeling." I could feel my breathing begin to slow slightly as I tried to match her breathing to get mine back to normal.

It was like my world paused for a moment and began to spiral faster than I could catch my balance. I felt air fill my lungs when I heard her voice but yet I was left gasping for oxygen. 

The very thought of Maeve brought back so many things I thought I had dealt with prior to now.  I leaned my head against my wife's shoulder as I just let the tears fall.

I felt awful having her comfort me over another woman. Yet I couldn't bring myself to completely care. She was the one offering me comfort.  

She held me in her arms. Whispering to me that things will be okay. That we'd figure things out.

I truly didn't deserve her. She loves me so unconditionally it's unnerving. That's when my phone went off again.

It was the same number Maeve had called me from.

I glanced at my wife. Who just watched me. That's when I fully knew and decided something that had been bothering me for over the past hour or so.

I let my phone continue to ring as I cupped her face. 

"You...you make me feel special and good and all these things that I still don't have the words for yet— good things… things I never thought I deserved to feel.” I pulled her in closer letting our lips caress one another.

"I love you Spencer.  You don't need to say all of this right now. I know you are still-" She tilted her head to the side as if she were trying to figure me out.  "Cluttered and that's okay."

I kissed her harder than I've ever kissed anyone before.

"I’m not in love with her, I’m in love with you”

I have no real idea on if she needed this reassurance all I knew is that I did. I wanted her to know out loud what she meant to me. I couldn't imagine a better partner. A better lover or a better best friend than her.

 I wasn't going to have her doubt everything about us. Not for anything.

I stayed close to her as my phone kept repeatedly going off until eventually it stopped. I was still figuring things out. 

Knowing that Maeve was alive before I met Y/n would have changed my life completely but now? I didn't want anything to change.  For once I was happy. I had someone in my life who put me first. Who cared about me. Who wasn't afraid to hurt my feelings as long as it kept me safe. She loved me for me and all the mess in between who I have yet to become.

She saw me for me. I wasn't Doctor Spencer Reid.  I wasn't a federal agent or a professor to her. I was just Spencer.  The man for some ungodly reason she chose to love. 

[alycosworld]

guess who🤡 heyhey 💕 here. I’m pretty sure by this 2nd request u can tell that I’m a very emotional person🧍🏻‍♀️ and that I’m a person that seeks alot of comfort from fictional characters because i dont have a life and good friends.

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putting a divider here so u dont have to read everything and can look out for keywords!

purple—> person

pink—>genre

green—>subject

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I’m not sure if u r comfy writing kazuha so if yr not I’m sorry u can ignore this! i just want a fluff comfort for reader who got like REALLY scolded for getting bad grades for exams because u have no idea how angsty I’m feeling rn:( my parents just literally like scolded me like there was no tmr istg- so i just need really fluff comfort. so a kazuha x NB(non bibary)!reader

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Anyways again tysm u have no idea how grateful i am if you accept my request!!!<3 get lots of rest and drink water. only do this if you want to!

byebye<3

-💕

Kazuha's Wise and Whimsical Words

Kaedehara Kazuha X Reader

A/N: aaaa 💕anon ily!! being emotional is completely fine and I would be honoured to become of your good friends!! I will be a part of your life, private message me if you're ever feeling down! I just want my readers happy because they make me happy aaaaaa 🥺

with that being said, i love this request! My parents were so hard on me when it came to exams, but as soon as I broke away from their expectations, I started to appreciate my grades more. I'll leave the real comforting words for Kazuha to say but NO ONE SHOULD EVER be disappointed in yourself if you tried your best. Thank you for your support and the request, I hope the story makes you feel better. Enjoy!

ps: I took into account the fact that not everyone has a mother and a father and not everyone has two parents at all, so only one parent is mentioned here and they are left gender neutral so it's easier to picture yourself in the story.

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"(Y/N). This is not at all what I expected. What happened to you?" Your parent asked sternly.

"Well, I--"

"I don't want to hear any excuses. Your predicted grades were much higher than this!" They said, raising their voice.

"I'm sorry, I--"

"Sorry is not going to improve your results! Do you really think that now is a good time to be slacking off? You have one more exam period before university. I don't care if you pass those exams, I want you to excel. And if you don't, you are not attending Sumeru Academia, whether they accept you or not. I am not paying for you to study overseas, only for you to get mediocre grades." They said, making you even more anxious than before the exam.

"But I got above the average!"

"By two percent! And the average was low." Your parent said, narrowing their eyes slightly and upsetting you with their belittling gaze.

"Realistically--"

"Realistically? Realistically?! If you want to study realistically, you should find someone else to pay for your education. When you want to study successfully, you can come back." They slammed the stack of sheets that displayed your results on the table with a loud bang before folding their arms as you grabbed a jacket and stormed out of the house, tears running down your face.

You walked for a while in the night, before eventually finding yourself in an area you were less familiar with. After recognising it to be somewhere near your boyfriend's current residence off Beidou's ship, you made a beeline for his place, knocking on the door and hoping, praying he would be alone inside.

The door soon opened and Kazuha stood there, initially with a smile on his face but it soon dropped when he saw your expression.

"(Y/N)? What happened?" He asked.

"C-can I come inside?" You sniffled.

"Of course, Love. Come in." He said, ushering you into his quaint little place. You stood by the door that closed behind you before Kazuha pushed the coat you had lazily draped over your shoulder onto the floor and enveloped you in his arms.

You broke down in his embrace. You had done better than most of your fellow students, and frankly, you were kind of proud of your result. But it was foolish of you to think that your parent would accept anything but perfection. They said it was all for you, but you were doubting it. Did you even want to go to Sumeru Academia? You had had your heart set on it since you were a child, but maybe that was only because your folks always envisioned you going there.

"Why are you crying, my love?" Kazuha asked, sitting you down near the fire to warm you up and standing up to get you a blanket and a hot cup of tea.

"I'm not good enough." You mumbled. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't have heard you. But your boyfriend could listen to the wind "talk" - he was very attuned to quiet and subtle noises.

"Nonsense." He smiled, bringing you the blanket as you listened to the water boil in the background.

"You're more than good enough. Everyone who knows you adores you - no one more than me, of course." Kazuha chuckled, eventually setting down two cups of tea and sitting in front of you on the floor.

"Public opinion won't improve my grades." You said, now more stoic than upset. You had almost become numb and desensitised to degrading comments that after you cried a little and calmed down, you'd be straight-faced and almost emotionless. It didn't feel good, but it was certainly better than feeling bad.

"So this is about school." Kazuha nodded, gesturing for you to continue explaining why had happened.

"They keep talking about my grades. They said I shouldn't be slacking and that I'm not going to get to Sumeru Academia and that they want me to do better...maybe I'm interpreting it wrong. Maybe they're trying to encourage me?" You wondered aloud, thinking that somehow you were the problem. As soon as you said "they", Kazuha knew who you are referring to and sighed.

"Encouragement and doubt are two very different things. Unrealistic expectations, detrimental practices, emotionally, mentally or physically taxing improvement - none of that is going to help you. In fact, it'll make you feel worse. When you really think about what you have to do to achieve perfection, you'll only realise how unattainable it is. You'll fall into a perpetual spiral of intellectual destruction." Kazuha said.

"Then how the hell am I gonna get the best results?" You asked worriedly.

"You won't. No one will ever get the best results because more people and more previously unforeseen factors will come into play. What you can achieve is your best results. Your grades are a product of you, not the other way around. They are no measure of your worth, they cannot define you, and they do not have to be a part of you. If you don't ace one subject, you don't have to hang on to that or turn it into some strange part of you. You can't cling to it, it's impossible to cling to a piece of the past forever. That's not to say you don't learn from it, but it doesn't need to become some villainous trait - in the end, it is only a grade." Kazuha shield at you. His words warmed your heart more than the fire or tea, and they even seemed to dry your tears and allow you to mirror his expression.

"And at the very least, you can hold your head high knowing that you had the strength to participate in an exam when not everyone does. You went in, sat through it, attempted the questions and walked out. Not everyone has the courage to stay; some don't even have the courage to start. That goes for any endeavour you face." Kazuha said, before inching closer to you.

"Feeling any better?" He asked. You nodded instantly. Of course, Kazuha's wise and whimsical words had bettered your mood, it was Kazuha for Archon's sake.

"Good. Maybe we could go for an evening stroll? I'll treat you to dinner if you haven't eaten." He offered.

"Can...can we just stay like this for a little longer? I think being alone with you is nicer." You smiled.

"Of course, Angel. Anything you want."

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this was less physical fluff than I intended, but I think I do comfort with direct words and dialogue best, so I hope this is okay. honestly, everything kasha said is what I would've wished to hear when I was in this situation. I'll probably post a rant about my own exam experiences because this request got all my past feelings to resurface.

thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!