#sorry for rambling so much this probably wasn’t very understandable ^^;;

[elllisaaa]

how seventeen would confess to you - pu vers.

-> pairing : svt pu × gn!reader

-> words count : 2.9k words

-> genre : svt members crushing on you, fluff

-> warnings : while make you giggle and kick your feet, sex implied in chan's part

-> sorry if I made any mistakes, english is not my first language.

-> reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !

-> masterlist | svt masterlist hhu vers. | vu vers. | pu vers.

MOON JUNHUI - RUSHED

to me, he really has two different sides.

sometimes, he’s a goofball, joking along with you, making you laugh to the point you’re crying.

would 100% do something ridiculous if it made you at least smile. 

he’s also very happy about the fact that the two of you have some inside jokes that only you understand and can laugh about (makes him feel like he’s special). 

and the rest of the group would look at the both of you giggling like maniacs without understanding a word you said. 

besides that, i think he’s very observant and knows a lot of things about you and your body language.

he would certainly notice the little changes in your mood by the way you act or talk, and he would be more than delighted to get you out of uncomfortable situations.

he loves it every time you rely on him for little things like opening a jar for you or getting things from the higher shelves, whether you could have reached them or not.

 and all this feels so domestic that he doesn’t even quite realize how much he needs you until he’s about to go on tour again.

he’s spiraling every night, thinking about how he’s not going to be able to live without you being so far away and suddenly he needs to see you, even if his plane is going off in less than two hours. 

“- Jun !? What are you doing here ? Don’t you have to go to the airport soon ?”

He was completely disheveled, his hair ruffled by the wind that also colored his cheeks and nose. And he seemed lost, as if he didn’t even know why he was there in the first place. But the moment his eyes found yours, it was as if the world around you two blurred out. Suddenly, he wasn’t thinking anymore, the only thing in his mind was you.

“- I- I had to tell you something.

- Well, you could have told me over text, you’re gonna be late !

- No, no, I have to tell you in person. It’s important, please.”

He sounded desperate, you had never seen him like that, never seen him so anxious. You simply nobbed, encouraging him to go on with his thoughts. Jun took a deep breath, but he knew that he had to say it right now. If you said yes, he’ll be the happiest man on earth, and he would hold on to the thought of you during his tour. But if you said no, at least, he’ll be away and would not have to see you everyday, he could let you process everything. Either way, it should end relatively well, even if he hoped for the first option. 

“- I couldn’t leave without telling you this, and I know that I’m selfish to do it just before going away for months but I couldn’t find it in me to tell you before. You can ignore me all you want if you’re not okay with that but I hope you won’t because I need you so bad, I need you to be part of life for everything to be alright.” 

A small smile was tugging the corner of your lips, having figured where his speech was going. You could’ve stopped him, but he was so cute, fumbling over his words, talking with his hands out of nervousness, his eyes focusing everywhere except on you. You leaned against the doorframe, listening patiently to his rambling. 

“- And I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you Y/N… I love you so much I can’t even bear the idea of not seeing you, of not having you by my side everyday. And I know that you’re probably not feeling the same, we're supposed to be friends after all, and friends don’t dream about kissing each other, but if I have the slightest chance of bei-”

Jun’s next words died in his throat when you grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, forcing him to lean down, just enough for you to meet his lips. He freezed for several seconds, making sure that this wasn’t another crazy dream, but the way he could feel the tiniest movement of your lips against his definitely grounded him into reality. He let his own hands slide to your waist, closing the space between your bodies and finally kissing you like he fantasized about. 

“- You’re an idiot Moon Junhui. You’re an idiot for thinking that I would turn you down, because I’m in         love with you too. And you’re also an idiot for telling me just before leaving. I’m going to miss you even more…”

“i promise i’ll make it worth the wait, i’ll take you out as soon as i’m back.”

KWON SOONYOUNG - SMILEY

he’s a funny guy, really funny and you’re a funny person too so be prepared to always laugh when you’re with him.

he knows that no matter what he’s on, you’re going to follow him and he loves that you’re in the same mood as him.

act as if he’s annoyed everytime you tease him along with his members, but truly, he’s all warm inside whenever he thinks about how comfortable you are around the other guys. 

bet that he would not miss an occasion to tease you either, finding you especially cute when you playfully hit him, with your cheeks all red. 

will bicker with you about everything and anything, just like an old couple fighting. 

the moment he really fell for you was when you offered him a little tiger plushie that he could hang on his bag for his birthday, saying it was nothing when it meant the world to him.

it wasn’t even that deep, he was aware, but it was so cute of you to encourage him in his little (big) obsession. 

everytime you participate in his horanghae agenda, he’ll smile like an idiot.

i think that mario kart nights will be a regular thing between the two of you, always making stupid bets to challenge each other.

“- Kwon Soonyoung ! I warn you, if you do that, we’re not friends anymore !”

How hot you looked when you were angry didn’t deter the said Soonyoung as he hitted you with a red shell. Your scream of frustration made him burst into laughter as he drove past you and won the race a few seconds later. He didn’t even have the time to celebrate his victory that you were already pushing him on the floor, ready to take revenge.

“- You really are a little piece of shit ! Why did you do that !?

- Because it’s funny seeing you all mad about nothing.”

His cocky smile was soon wiped off his face when he noticed that you were picking one of the cushions of the couch, apparently ready to hit him without any regrets. Soonyoung grabbed your wrists just in time to stop you, not giving in when you tried to squirm out of his hold. 

“- It’s not my fault you’re bad at this game !”

His snarky remark infuriated you even more, and you knew very well that he was doing it on purpose. It was obvious from the look on his face, but you gave in to his provocation anyway. You finally freed your hands, throwing the cushion aside and going to tickle his sides instead. Soonyoung couldn’t help the little giggles that escaped him, trying to wiggle away from your touch.

“- Ahah ! Please Y/N ! Please stop, I’m sorry !

- Not stopping until you beg my pardon !”

And you kept your promise, tickling him to no end, even straddling his lap to get better access to the exposed skin of his tummy. But as you leaned in, you finally realized how close to his face you were, your eyes zeroing on his lips. Soonyoung didn’t know who kissed the other first, he just knew that he didn't want to let go of you. Soon enough, you were forced to anyway, desperately needing to breathe. He held your gaze, and tenderly tucked a rebellious strand of hair behind your ear.

“- Please, tell me that it wasn’t just the spur of the moment. I might cry if you say yes.

- It wasn’t, don’t cry you big baby.”

The pout aborning his lips was really cute, but he didn’t let you focus on that, circling your waist with his arms, pulling you down on top of him. You gasped out of surprise, but quickly, you relaxed into his warm body, while Soonyoung buried his face in the crook of your neck, not once thinking about the fact that you were still laying on the floor of your living room.

“i may be a baby, but I’m your baby.”

XU MINGHAO - LONELY

he’s not very talkative at first, only greeting you when you arrive, saying goodbye when you leave and if he really needs something. 

but he always makes sure that you don’t want something, or are uncomfortable (my sweet guy). 

one time when the guys invited you for dinner, you sat beside minghao, and as the night went on, you found some common interests with him.

you ended up spending the whole dinner passionately debating with him.

he’s indeed a very smart man and it’s really interesting to discuss with him, even if you don’t always share the same opinion about things, he’s always respectuous and interested in what you think or say.

and that’s what minghao feels for you at first : respect.

he admires you so much, because you’re such a clever person, you’re doing a job you love and for which you worked very hard, and you also find the time to laugh with him too.

and even if you’re more educated on a subject than him, you never make him feel like he’s stupid, always explaining it to him in such a simple way.

and adding to that, you’re beautiful, breathtaking, which is not helping him to hide the crush he developed on you. 

Minghao stood in front of his mirror, he was there for a good thirteen minutes, trying to recite the text he so carefully wrote. He spent all his free time perfecting every little detail of his confession, because he wanted it to be just as amazing as you were. And even if it has been almost two weeks since he finished preparing his speech, he couldn’t bring himself to tell it to you. Every time he saw you, it was as if everything else dissolved, the world around was suddenly blurred and the only thing in his mind was ultimately you. 

That’s why he repeated to himself that he should practice. By now, he knew every word by heart, not needing to check the written text anymore. He spent hours and hours telling it to his reflection in the mirror, but it didn’t compare to what it was when you were in front of him, looking him in the eyes and smiling so brightly. Minghao took a deep breath, trying to convince himself that what he did was effective as he started over again. 

“- You always say that you have a rational and logical mind, but still, you believe in ghosts, fate and soulmates. You always say that you don’t like romance movies, but still, you cry in my arms everytime we watch one. You always say that you don’t like it when people do something for you, but still, you always ask me for help. And I find all of that so cute. Because even if you’re the smartest person I know, it reminds me that you’re not coherent sometimes. And I’m not either. I have never been when it comes to you. Everytime you look at me, I feel like I don’t even know how to breathe anymore. You make me forget about everything except you. Since both of us are a little silly sometimes, maybe we could be silly together.”

He stopped, looking at himself and shaking his head in disappointment. 

“- Gosh… This is so stupid, I am ridiculous…”

It’s only when he had finished talking that Minghao noticed you, standing close to the door. He met your eyes in the mirror, and they grew wide in surprise. For how long were you there ? Did you hear his whole confession ? And if it was the case, how would you react ? He felt his cheeks grow warm, and he nervously ran a hand through his hair. 

“- You know, I don’t think you are.”

The puzzled look on Minghao’s face made you smile even more than you already were, unable to hold back your grin now that he was finally looking at you. 

“- You’re not ridiculous. Try it out on me if you’re not sure.

- I… I just… Okay…”

And Minghao told you again, this time trying to look into your eyes, also trying to control his shaky voice. When he reached the last word, you stepped towards him, until your face was only inches away from his, one of your hands coming up to stroke his cheek. 

“- That’s a lot better, don’t you think ? Now I can tell you how much I would love to be silly together.”

“it’s all i’ve been dreaming of.”

LEE CHAN - COMPLICATED

part time idol, full time comedian.

he’s so funny for real, and it’s what you like about him first, that he’s able to make you laugh so easily. 

he loves to know everything about you, and he remembers even the slightest detail about everything that you love and don’t. 

and that transfer in the bedroom because after some time, you fool around while being drunk and until there, you didn’t stop. 

he knows you and your body like the back of his hand, and that’s quite practical as well as it is annoying because he can always tell when you’re in a good mood or not. 

likes to make you discover the music he appreciates and encourages you to do the same. 

has such sweet gestures for you, even if you’re just supposed to be fuck buddies and everyone can see how in love he is with you. 

but it’s only because he wants more with you but doesn’t want to cross the already blurry lines of your relationship, or even worse, lose you. 

that’s why he treats you like his girlfriend without saying that it is what he wants, and it's confusing and hurtful for the both of you.and if you want to get out of this situation, you’d have to take the matter in your own hands. 

The more Chan spent time with you, the more he found himself unable to leave your side in the morning. That was his only unspoken rule : he could stay the night, but he would always go away before you wake up because he had “things to do”. And you respected that, that he needed to settle his own limits. But still, it hurt to find his cold and empty space in your bed every time, his smell still lingering in your sheets. You wanted him to stay, to really stay. 

It hurt even more when you fell asleep in his arms almost every night. What was supposed to be only meet ups from time to time ended up being an everyday thing. When you came home from work, he was often already here, having cooked for you and ready to get all the stress of the day out of your body. And then, you drifted off in his embrace, with Chan kissing you all over your face. You craved all of that, you craved him, his presence, his affection, his love.

“- Chan… Don’t leave me, please…”

The boy jumped at the sound of your sleepy voice, turning around to look at you, still half naked. He wanted to stay, he really wanted to, but he knew that if he did that, he was going to fall even more deep, and he couldn’t stop it. 

“- I-I can’t, I have to go.”

Chan tried to not let you hear how much his voice was shaking as he focused on searching his discarded clothes on the floor. He heard you shuffle in the sheets behind him, but he was not expecting your arms to sneak around his waist, your warm body pressed against his back.

“- I know you’re lying. Please, stay with me.”

The butterflies erupted in his stomach, but at the same time, he felt a heavy weight on his heart. Was this what he was thinking ? Or were you just emotional for some reason ?

“- Don’t do this to me, it’s already hard enough. If it’s like that, we better stop.”

Tears were prickling at his eyes as he tried to not melt in your hold. He knew he was going to harm you so much, that it would mean the end of everything but it was certainly better like that. 

“- I don’t want it to stop. I want it to last forever. I-I think I’m in love with you…”

Your eyes were closed, as if it could help you forget what you just said. But to your surprise, Chan only turned around so he could hug you tightly. His head fell to the crook of your neck, and your eyes grew wide as you felt some tears soaking the material of the shirt you were wearing - his shirt, in fact. Your hand flew to his hair, grazing his scalp with your nails to get him to calm down. 

“i think i’m in love with you too, i think you’re all i ever wanted.”

-> i don't allow any copies, reposts or translations of my work.

fill in this to be added to my taglist !

[remotepixel]

Hi! I love your writing!!! Is it okay if I request yandere plantonic Tony stark for the reader and Peter Parker who are siblings? Like Peter is Tony's intern and then he one days meets the reader at like a dance recital or something. Sorry if this is too specific.

Hi!!! I'm so happy you like my writing and thank you for requesting! Don't worry about being too specific :)

TW: yandere themes

-Tony is a jealous person, so he doesn’t really like how happy Peter is when rambling about you during the lab sessions - blood-related or not, Tony wants the attention on himself. However, he’s able to get a rough picture of you thanks to all the information being thrown at him, and, despite his possessiveness, he is very slightly inclined to like you, even if it’s just due to Peter.

-It wasn’t until Peter was practically begged him to come and watch your dance recital though did he properly meet you. You were sweet, and watching you interact with your brother, who he was already viewing as his own kid, brought up the same parental instincts.

-If you share the same intelligence, he’d offer you a place at Starks Industries as well. It means he can keep you safely in his lab, right to him, and gives him a solid way to bond with you. Plus, as much as he won’t admit to his selfishness, it does keep you dependant on him - after all it’s a sure-fire way to get recommend to a good college, and a future job at SI; you wouldn’t want to go against him if it could mean this much.

-If not or your interests lay outside of tech (e.g. dance), he’ll be a bit disappointed, but otherwise invest in making sure you get the best opportunities through his various networkers and whatever else you need to achieve those dreams.

-He feels out of his depth whenever he tries talking to you about it. Sure, he spent hours educating himself and could probably act like he understands, but he doesn’t like not knowing things, or feeling unsure of himself. It won’t be until you confirm he’s correct or compliment him for knowing so much that he feels more comfortable, practically preening under your gaze (he’ll immediately get flustered if he’s wrong though).

-It’d be a lot easier if he could just talk about the mechanisms of his new suit or impress you with his amazing ideas involving complex physics equations he knows at least Peter would love to hear about.

-Though, if it’s for you, he’d happily sit and watch your every competition. He’d probably record it too, adding it to his ever-growing folder, and brag about how talented his kid you are (he gets irritated if they seem too interested; he doesn’t want anyone stealing you away).

-His biggest form of showing he cares is gift-giving. He can’t give you a new suit or webshooters to win your favour, so it’d be more personalised based on what you like (e.g. a show or hobby). As well as that, he’s giving you a stupid - maybe a bit mean - nickname. It’s in his blood to do so, he won’t apologize (he would. One tear and he’s backpedalling like crazy).

-He’s already gone through the motions of putting trackers and overprotective security measures on Peter, so it’s pretty easy when he does it for you. Obviously he doesn’t need to stress about you getting stabbed in alleyways unlike a certain spider, but his paranoia still remains.

-He likes keeping logs on you - where you are, with who - just in case he needs to swoop in. Since he’s your brother’s boss (and you probably heard all about his habits from Peter before anyways) you probably shrug it off, thinking he’s just trying to keep you safe due to your high-profile connections rather than out of an obsessive need.

-In general, it’d be hard to get away from him or his tendencies. You don’t want to upset Peter (who’s likely still slightly blinded by his hero worship) so you go along with it as well. Even if you do somewhat ignore Tony , he would likely bring it up in a lab session, leading to Peter bringing it up to you, and just making it the same situation as before.

[bloodyinkandquill]

Scythe x Reader semi toxic yuri/canon accurate

if you keep talking that blah blah blah blah💃🕺💃🕺 kesha fucks hard her music is amazing, anyways toxic yuri😍 ok wait a minute note to self please finish this before bed, ok onto tumblr i go for some reason im thinking of banhammer self ship rn so im reading other people’s works on him rq to fulfill my own wants lmao

had a awful mental breakdown, skipped classes, couldn’t sleep until 5:30, didn’t work on this, i’ll work on it next lemme do something else idk man just need motivation

5 days later i think, i dunno man i just need to get this done ok let’s do this, this will probably just be general dating hcs ill be so real not that i won’t write her with a male reader but i hc her as lesbian *shrug*

- ‘She’s the most wanted demon in the Inpherno!’ pretttyy lady… your friends may not understand but it doesn’t really bother you, you love her and that’s all that matters

- Scythe has an almost flirtatious demeanor to her but when it comes to you that’s cranked up to 11, she loves teasing and flustering you, even simple things she changes into an opportunity to flirt, causal conversation where you look away for a moment? You bet your ass she’s grgabbing your face and forcing you to look at her, and with that she sometimes blows cigarette smoke in your face, it’s so attractive but gods it makes you cough, it’s worth it though for her

- She adores dancing with you, sometimes it’s slow and intimate music at home while other times you’re at a saloon absolutely boogie-ing it down, if you didn’t know how to dance you bet your ass she taught you, she’d make fun of you tripping or messing up but it never was that serious just more so playful banter

- Lightly suggestive but she would so slap your ass as you walked by, it doesn’t matter who’s nearby or where your at, she will fully go for it, and then either carry on like nothing happened or crack up, never in between

- She robs bars on occasion and gets the best most fancy and expensive wines to share with you, telling you all about her latest ‘job’ as you sip on wine you’re pretty sure is worth more bux then you’ve ever owned in your life combined, sometimes she has little trays of finger foods with it like bread with cheeses but usually it’s just a table with the two of you drinking the wine as you admire her

- Scythe very much enjoys going into detail about her work with you, from the regular paper work, to offerings, to her kills, if you’re squeamish it’s not your lucky day that incentives her to describe them even more graphically, but if you fully support her and listen intently when she talks about them she’s not as graphic but loves the look in your eye and you listen to her ramble about her ‘assignments’

- Sorry but if you’re going to date her you had to join the Church of the TRUE EYE, let’s be so for real here if she’s legit dating someone they have to be in the church, she said it’s your choice but you knew it wasn’t, if you wants to be with her you had to join, she hooked you up good, a word to the father here, great accommodations there, she was very pleased once you agreed

- Pampers you in a sorta macabre way, brings you the most fancy and beautiful jewelry she got from someone she killed, takes you on a fancy dinner she doesn’t pay for by threatening everyone to kill the entire building, gives you bouquets she made from flowers that reminded her of the colors of her favorite horns she has framed on her walls, once she tried to gift you a pair of horns she thought were very beautiful, you puked, she didn’t try that again

- Her love language is words of affirmation and gift giving, constantly using pet names to compliment you, and we’ve already discussed the gifting

- With the pet names she obviously calls you darling with her hot ass southern accent, she also calls you thinks like hot and sexy, wouldn’t put it past her to call you hot tits I’ll be so real right now, if she did you’d give her the most disappointed look ever and she just doubles over in laughter

- Scythe’s dates are usually really fancy dinners or saloons, quite different but you don’t mind since she’s usually a lot sweeter on your dates, more lovey at fancy restaurants and more protective and touchy at saloons, speaking of no one could lay a finger on you or she will cut that finger off and feed it to them, she can and will murder anyone she views as trying to flirt with you or harass you, it’s sweet in a very messed up way

- Not really a hand hold-y person but she touches you in other ways, an arm around your waist, hand under your chin, leaving lipstick all over your face and neck, it’s usually more intimate touches, maybe if she’s feeling a bit more adventurous that day she’ll use her sharp ass claws to draw a small amount of blood, she just loves the surprised slightly pained face you make

ok finally got this done let’s get this posted i’ll probably head to bed after this, do the firebrand request and do a self indulgent thing of windforce then open back up requests! WILD LIFE SCDIDHKFHSJ (life series, any fans of the life series who read this talk to me please i’m going insane)

[erospandemos]

I just can't help it

Yandere Chaewon x Reader

Part 1

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”

― Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women

What you’re about to read is a confession to you. An apology, if you prefer to call it that, as I’ve professed my love to you plenty of times—although it won’t ever be enough—and you’re at the knowledge of every crime I’ve committed since we met. 

My Korean teacher repeatedly reiterated the lack of clarity in my essays and oral exams. I’m not good with words, you see. That’s why I thought that letting you know about the events in my life that shaped me and the feelings that followed me throughout these months would make you understand me better.

I know our conversations weren’t as deep as you probably expected. I’ve tried to explain myself to the best of my abilities and even if it was a mess you seemed to make out that flurry of words and comfort me. Sometimes, I truly thought you understood me more than I did. 

It’s true that we always talked in riddles and puzzles but it made more sense that way. Because our—my—love was pure madness and somehow the riddles explained it better than we ever could. 

The lack of sleep shouldn’t have affected my mind too much, at least in the part that’s in charge of writing. 

If you’re reading this, I hope you understand. Sorry if I’m rambling a lot, and sorry if I will ramble more in the following pages. Right, sorry if I’m apologizing a lot—you told me not to do that. I just can’t help it.

I was tortured since the age of 6 when I started going to elementary school, that’s as far as I can remember. You could also say I was “bullied”, it’s what the adults like to call it, but it’s the same thing. People get defensive, almost offended when I use the other term. “Wow,” was a common reaction, “that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?” I didn’t think it was extreme. 

When I so naively asked my teacher the difference between the two words, she chuckled and looked at me as if I asked her what the difference between hot and cold was. Surprise was another clear feeling I could read from her expression. She asked me how I knew those words. I simply said I heard them from outside and she told me to forget them.

That evening, when I came home, I  took the chair from my mother’s desk and put it next to the bookshelf, I climbed it and looked at the books on the top shelf. They were the books she used the least and between them, sitting all dusty and forgotten, was also the dictionary. 

I blew and rubbed the dust away then I looked for the two words. I read the two definitions closely and more than one time but I still didn’t understand. They were the same. 

I didn’t ask my teacher anything else. My teacher was clearly against explaining them to me.

But I was sure, I knew those two words extremely well because I felt them on my skin. 

I wanted to be an idol. I told everyone in my class because I thought it was a normal dream—we all watched idols on TV in the afternoon—and being an astronaut seemed a lot harder. Apparently, it wasn’t. Because I wanted to perform on a stage, I was “pretentious”, “narcissistic”, an “attention-seeker”, and a “whore”. I didn’t know what they meant and thought they were compliments and they etched those words into my skin. 

I later found their definitions in the dictionary and understood what they were saying.

I wasn’t the only girl who wanted to be an idol. Hayoon, a classmate of mine, dreamt of testing for JYP, SM, YG, and all those big companies. She took dance and singing classes, they were both in group and private. She could afford it because her family was very rich. From what I heard in the classroom, she started training when she was just a little girl because her parents saw her dancing in front of the TV during an episode of Inkigayo.

Surprisingly, Hayoon was never shamed. Because she was “humble” and had “her feet on the ground”. She was loved by everyone and was the most favored prospect for the role of an idol, everyone seemed to believe in her dream. She was confident, danced well, and was beautiful. All the girls went to her house at least twice a month to go to her huge pool, splendid garden, and majestic house. I never went, I was never invited.

She was good at everything and topped all subjects. However, I sang better than her. In music classes and festivals, I was always chosen and often took the roles instead of her. When she realized she wasn’t the best, she became embarrassed and frustrated. 

She didn’t have any way of making me sing worse and neither could sing better than me, even after all those expensive lessons, so she took to poking fun at me to try and drag me down. Of course her friends joined as well. They were always calling me "ugly", "weird", and "gross" in a way that didn’t seem childish or playful, but demeaning and insulting.

The other kids constantly berated me between classes, glued my books to the desk, slapped me and then ran away. They knew all the spots where there was no CCTV in the school. They even stole my brand-new headphones and glued my shoestrings to my shoes when I didn’t see them. We wore slippers and my shoes were in my locker.

My teachers never helped me. I’ve tried telling them and they didn’t believe me, or rather, they chose not to believe me because that was easier for them.

Only a girl had the courage to help me, it only took one word and two days to have everyone against her. “Stop,” she only said that and then everyone hated her. You never go against the group, you never try to make yourself different, you never try to fight back. 

In the end, I understood the difference between torture and bullying: one was for hurting and one was for fun.

During middle school, the bullying stepped up a notch. Some of my classmates went to my same middle school, they had many friends there and the rumors spread like wildfire. Many of the students liked to take their stress out by bullying other students. They were pathetic and talentless, they hated anyone who had potential unless they provided them anything, like Hayoon.

Smoking was illegal. But they didn’t care. They found all the corners of the school where the CCTV didn’t see them and studied where the professors usually walked to avoid their path. It wasn’t always perfect and sometimes they were caught but it sure helped them and the bullies.

One day, I was dragged by my hair behind the basketball court and after getting pushed to the ground, the girls started slapping, laughing, and kicking me. The smoke from their cigarettes and the kicks to my belly and back took the air out of me. I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was going to die. They were experienced—they noticed my lack of breath, gave me breaks to catch it, and started kicking me again.

They were caught by a teacher who forgot his bag. They claimed they were only giving me “birthday punches” and didn’t admit anything, nor apologized. They weren’t stupid either. The girls had a very good reputation and a good student persona, essentially they didn’t have any criminal records. 

When I was asked what happened, I was ready to tell them all the atrocities that took place in school. But then, I remembered the girls’ eyes. I looked at the professor and I knew, right there and then, that he didn’t believe me, even before I said anything. They wouldn’t have done anything but the word would have been out, that I snitched on the bullies and then I wouldn’t have survived.

So I stayed silent.

The girls only got punished for smoking after they explained they only wanted to try and continued to do it anyway.

Between the end of middle school and the start of high school, the bullies got more creative. They tied me up and broke my legs with a crowbar. The older the girls got, the more of them wanted to be idols, and the first thing they had to do was to get rid of the competition. They succeeded as I stopped dancing altogether since that day.

I continued singing but nobody wants to see an idol in a wheelchair, right?

After I couldn’t walk normally anymore, they started treating me like a rag. They used me to clean the bathroom, by pushing me around on the floor, putting my face against the toilet, and mopping me with dirty water. I was like a toy to them and their friends joined the fun.

Part 2

It was no wonder that many bullied students leave the school. Sometimes, they leave on their own, because they can’t stand the torture anymore, other times, the school removes them. The bullies only bully others because they can and they know they can get away with it: they have influential parents or come from wealthy families, so the school can only quietly get rid of the problem and those are the victims that can’t stay quiet.

The class in my department didn’t have many students but it was enough: 20 students. During the year, 5 students left, and at the end of the year, 2 others were sent to another school in the province. The remaining 13 weren’t enough to be left alone in the classroom so they joined us with a class from another department that also lost many students. In total, we were 31, which was a big number but they didn’t have any other choice.

You were one of those students. I only noticed you after a week because I got used to keeping my eyes low not to anger any of my classmates. You sat beside me. People usually tend to avoid me since they could also become victims of the bullies but you knew it and it was your decision.

“Is this seat taken?” you asked me. When I heard your voice, I had a moment of hesitation. I kept staring at the wooden desk but then I thought that you might have accused me of being rude for ignoring you and that would have been a good enough reason to pick on me, so I raised my eyes.

“No, it isn’t,” I replied. Your eyes were cold. I genuinely thought you were a bully too.

“Then, can I seat here?”

“You can if you want…” I told you, unsure. “But I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What? You fart a lot?”

I was taken aback. “No! I don’t.”

“I suppose it’s fine then,” you said and took the chair out to take your desk. You started getting ready for the lesson and didn’t seem to have any intention of doing anything to me. Every time someone spoke to me, it was to make a comment, make a joke, or give me an order. Still, I was suspicious of you.

The lesson proceeded as usual. You took your notes very diligently, writing almost everything the teacher said, making graphs and small summaries to keep your memory fresh. If you were to tell me you were the top student in your class, I would have believed it and later I’d find out you really were.

Your behavior wasn’t the one of a bully. And it wasn’t the behavior of a bullied either.

At the end of the last lesson before the lunch break, the teacher gave us surveys for our future career choices. I stared at the paper with a pen in my hand. What should I write? My future, my future was stolen from me. My dream was as meaningful as an ant’s life. After everything they did and said to me, a miserable life of insignificance and sadness sounded perfectly fit for me. I kept wondering and pondering until you turned to me.

“What do you want to do when you grow up, Chaewon?” you asked me while you were lazily spinning your pen between your fingers.

“I- I don’t know, what about you?” I stuttered. I couldn’t bring myself up to pronounce those words. I felt as if I had been banished from even muttering them and thinking about it only brought me horrible memories.

“Web security,” you said. “I go around and check companies’ safety in their servers and sites. I’ve already started an internship so I’m sure it’s what I’m going to do.”

“An internship? This early?”

“Yeah, I figured the more experience I get, the better. I got nothing better to do anyways.”

“Don’t you have any hobbies? Don’t you hang out with your… friends?”

“I don’t have that many friends, to be honest,” you replied nonchalantly. “I mean, I do go out like once every three months so it isn’t a lot but I still have friends I can talk to. I’ve never been good with people, I guess.”

“Ah, is that so?”

“I was always better on my own. I tried a lot of stuff and I liked web stuff better,” then you turned to me for a second time, looking at me more intensely than before, “but you didn’t answer my question yet. What do you wanna do?”

Being put on the spot like that, I wasn’t sure about what I was allowed to say. More than that, I didn’t know what I really wanted, if the dust of my once desire was still in me if my heart wasn’t dead cold. However, after all these years, a subtle string of fate kept me going and it was still something that I liked doing.

I looked at your eyes. They didn’t scare me.

“I want to be… an idol,” I said in a single breath. After I finished the sentence, a heavy feeling of guilt dawned on me. I felt as if I just committed a crime and I was in danger.

But you didn’t judge me.

“An idol, huh?” You laid back on your chair. “That’s pretty cool. I know it’s very hard if you really want to do it, props to you. It takes some guts to train for that stuff. To dance all day, to have everyone look at you, it’s something.”

“Do- do you think I can do it?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. I don’t know how well you dance, or how good you sing, or even what you tested for.”

“But is it a possible dream?”

“You can watch idols too, right? They had the same dream as you did. They did it. I think it’s possible, yeah. And I think you can do it, Chaewon.”

When you said that, I felt so relieved. It was comforting. Finally, I found someone that didn’t hate me, that didn’t shame and believed in me.

Just as you stopped talking, the bell rang. It was the time.

“Oh, look at her, ms. Idol,” said Yejun and pushed my head away for fun. He started laughing.

“Hands off, Yejun. And go away before I sock you in the face,” you said.

“I’m so scared, oh my god,” he laughed. “What do you think you’ll do huh? Do you want to protect this filthy rag? How generous,” he said and then slapped me.

“That’s enough, fuckface,” you got up and stared into his eyes. “That’s the last warning. Leave before I do something I might regret.”

He scoffed. “Really, you talk a lot. Don’t forget that you work for my father.”

“I don’t think you get it, Yejun. I don’t just work for your father. He depends on me. One click and his whole 20 servers will blow up. Do you really think that incompetent fool of your father fixed all the problems? He doesn’t know shit about his stuff, he only knows how to count money and scam his workers. There are so many weaknesses I could just hack the whole thing and change your company to my name.”

“You aren’t funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be. Now, that I’ve seen who this rag of yours is, tell your friends to keep their hands off her. I don’t want to see your father come back and beg at me and he’ll know it was all your fault. Everyone listens to you apparently, so spread the word. I won’t hesitate.”

Yejun stormed out of the class in anger.

I felt like I was reborn, that I finally found my savior. You were the angel I needed and you came to save me from this hell.

“I don’t like this place, let’s get out of here,” you said and I followed you.

We went to grab lunch but right behind the vending machines you got attacked. He called you a nerd, whatever he did, but I couldn’t stand it. I felt a force in me and I grabbed his neck, I squeezed until he couldn’t breathe anymore.

I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for you trying to get me off, I would have killed him.

Just as that guy run off, you freaked out. I didn’t blame you. Still, you took my arm and pulled me to somewhere more covered to talk to me, scared that someone else might have seen it. I could see the surprise in your eyes, but you didn’t look terrified, you were concerned if anything.

Your hand was still bleeding, the red liquid dripped to the floor. I stared at the droplets, slowly coloring the grey concrete, as if it was the ticking of a clock. At each tick, I was getting more impatient, there was something inside me that wanted to jump out, run after who hurt you, and make him pay for it. But I had to calm down, you were in front of me.

“Chaewon, what the hell!” you whisper-shouted while repeatedly glancing behind your back and into the hallway. “Where did that come from?”

“I-I don’t know what happened,” I stuttered. I was saying the truth—at the time, I truly didn’t know why I reacted in the way I did. I never raised my hands, I never talked back, I never reacted.

“Shit, I’m bleeding a lot,” you cursed. You gritted your teeth and started walking towards the school clinic. I followed you.

You talked to me as we were walking. “You don’t just choke people randomly, you know?”

“I- I really swear! I pro-promise… I have no idea what happened!”

“Listen, Chaewon, I saw you pinning his neck against the wall. You raised a senior with one hand.”

When we were in front of the nurse's office, you pinched your nose and waved your hand to stop me from talking. The cuff of your white shirt was stained with red, it already spread so much in just a short time. You must have been in pain. My blood was boiling.

“You can explain yourself later,” you said and opened the door. “I have to close this wound first.”

I followed you into the room. For some reason, the room was empty, there was no trace of the nurse and it looked like she hasn’t been there for a long time as everything was very tidy and the coat hanger was empty. Often, when people can avoid work, they’ll do it. The nurse must have seen that there was no one needing her in the morning and decided to leave for some coffee.

You sat on one of the beds, keeping your arm stretched out so the blood wouldn’t stain the sheets and with another hand, you searched into the cabinet for something you could help yourself with. You took out bandaids, alcohol, gauze and cotton buds. You really made a mess, trying to pour the alcohol on your arm and spilling half of the content on the floor.

After sloppily cleaning yourself with cotton, you got the bandaids.

“Do you really think bandaids will do?” I asked you. “It’s way too deep.”

“Is there any other way?”

“Yeah, we have to put stitches on you.” I took the chairs from the desk and sat in front of you. In the cabinet beside the bed, there were also needles and thread for that procedure. Luckily there was an anesthetic as well.

I put on gloves. I cleaned your wound again, better than you did before, and applied the anesthetic gel. It took about two minutes to take effect, in the meanwhile I prepared the rest of the equipment I needed: forceps, curved needle, and new thread.

When I was sure you didn’t feel anything, I started stitching your wound.

“How did you learn this?” you asked me so curiously.

“I… I got used to taking care of myself,” I said softly. It was embarrassing. You nodded. I could feel your eyes scan me, looking at all my bruises, the bandaids on my face, and many more wounds underneath my shirt.

You sighed. “I’m sorry. I hope they won’t attack you anymore. Always stay with me, they are scared of people who have a known name.”

“Thank you, but I don’t think it will do anything.”

“Just do as I say,” you repeated. I could see how sure you were from your face. You definitely didn’t see, as my face was facing the floor, but I smiled for the first time after you said that. Your desire of protecting me was honest. I was really happy that you cared for me.

When I came home, I had the time to think through what happened that day. As I was drinking a cup of water, I looked at myself in the reflection of the window, my fingers tracing my wounds and bruises, itching the dried blood on my nails. Where did that strength come from? I could have sworn they had taken every ounce of energy from me, I knew I had no will, no ambition, no desire to even talk back until today. And yet, I hurt him.

I felt good. It didn’t feel good to hurt him per se but to know I defended you. As to him, I should have killed him. But you stopped me. You shouldn’t have done that. He hurt you. That shabby gross fool tried to hurt you, how could he?!

I was so lucky to have caught you before it was late. I couldn’t imagine what would have happened to you if he succeeded—the bruises on your face, the blood on your face—you would have looked just like me. No, I couldn’t stand that. You didn’t deserve to go through the pain that I did, not after you defended me. Oh, if only I could lay my hand on those sinners, the pain I could inflict them, all the experiences that I felt inside my skin, into my very flesh.

I want to hear them scream. To beg for forgiveness. To regret their very existence. I want them to apologize to you, to offer their life…

Crack

I looked down at my hands. What a mess. I completely shattered the cup I was holding—bits of sharp glass everywhere, even some into my skin. The veins of my hand were bulging, I could feel the blood in my body flowing so fast and forcefully. The adrenaline was high in my brain.

I didn’t realize what I did until I heard the sudden noise.

It was true, just as you said. It wasn’t me. But why? This must have happened because I was thinking of you getting hurt… yes, it was your thought, just you. It was because of you. I didn’t want to see you hurt, you were my only hope in this world, just the thought sent a shock through my spine and into my head, and I would go crazy.

You made me like this.

Completely insane.

“Chaewon! What happened?” I heard Yujin calling me and I turned around to see her rushing out the hallway. Yujin was my roommate, we shared the rent because it was cheaper that way. She wasn’t a bad person, not at all. But she couldn’t understand my life, she lived between rich girls and handsome guys.

To be kind, you need to know what misery is. She was just nice.

“Oh, Kirin-chan,” I said.

“How did you break your glass?” she asked worryingly, grabbing a towel to clean my bloody hand of the bits of glass.

“My bad, I was standing up and it just slipped out of my hand.”

“Then how did it get all over your palm?”

“I slipped and fell right onto it, you know how clumsy I am.”

“Yeah,” she commented without much belief, “just like all the time you come home with bruises on your face.”

“It isn’t my fault if they don’t put warnings after cleaning the stairs.”

“It isn’t your fault,” she repeated. “Anyways, don’t forget to clean it up, I’ll go back to studying,” she ended, turning around and leaving the lounge to return to her prettier room.

I continued to stare at my hand.

I couldn’t help but think about you again… my head got foggy… my thoughts haunting…

What if they scarred you?

What if they bullied you?

What if girls broke your heart?

What if you were friends with the wrong people?

I knew I was crossing a line when those questions took form but it was too late and I didn’t even care anymore. It was a promise I made myself, to protect who I loved, and I swore I wouldn’t fail again. I would protect you forever, no matter what.

I feared that you’d run away from me but instead, we got way closer than before. When I walked into school the day after the incident, I was genuinely scared I wouldn’t have seen you—that you had stayed at home, that you changed class or even school. What worried me the most was the fact that you could have been scared of me.

I waited for you anxiously. I kept scratching my nails, rubbing my arms, looking around for you. So many times I got up and walked around the paths outside the school where I thought you’d usually walk, even if I didn’t know well what were your habits, and not finding you, I’d sit back at the wall and wait again.

After several minutes, you arrived at school. At the sight of you, my dizziness and worries faded away. I immediately ran at you and hugged you so tight, you had to know how much I missed you.

You were surprised, of course, you were. “Huh? What has gotten into you Chaewon?” you laughed jokingly.

“I just thought you wouldn’t come to school anymore,” I told you.

“Why would I do that? Today is a school day.”

“It’s okay, that’s perfect. I’m just so glad I can see you again.”

Part 3

The door opened to the locker room and I and the other trainees entered sitting down. They changed their clothes from casual streetwear to old clothes and gym wear. I’ve been training for a bit now, I got to know all the trainees well, there were a lot before but now they only remained half. The one that finished first started stretching. "It's one minute and a half. Let's do this," she sighed.

One of them threw to the other a white sheet with a name written on it and did the same with the others. "Here. Your name tags."

"That's it? Just a minute?" the girl chuckled.

"A minute and a half. Everyone does their part and it's a difficult choreography, don't you forget. It will be enough."

"It's for evaluation. Don't forget every detail counts," another girl added.

We went out of the room and made our way toward the practice room, each one with a name tag on it. The corridor leading to it was cold, probably because they just changed from thick to thin clothes, but it got hotter towards the end where the air got denser. One at a time, they entered bowing at the line of men sitting on the right of the mirror in front of the door.

Everyone had papers and a pen and a serious look plastered on their faces. After a couple of stretches, the girls got into position and the music started. They smiled and danced with their full capability and the judges looked sharp. When the music stopped they held their ending pose and went in a line waiting for their words. The air suddenly felt cold.

"There had been improvements on what we said the first time. But we can also fix others," the first said and the men nodded. They wrote on the paper and scribbled.

"You. When the others did their move you were coordinated and that's fine but you did it wrong. You need to raise your hand higher," he said making the move himself and the girl followed.

"Can you do the move a bit before the ending?" another one asked, gesturing his intention. "Yes, that one. Please get into the position and do it."

They did and when it came to the next section he spoke again, "One more time."

"Once more."

"Five...six.. seven... eight... an-"

"Okay," he said and got up walking to the center of the room. He demonstrated the move more and more times. "Don't tense your muscles too much when you do this alright?"

"But," the oldest got up, "you were all a lot better today, good job. Specially Soojin and Gaeul."

"That's it, goodbye," they said.

"Thank you!" the girls answered together.

BLAM. The oldest almost slips as he got out and the others held him up. The girls let out a muffled laugh, their mouths covered with their hands."See girls, don't tense your muscles too much or they won't work properly," the man chuckled. The judges left fast, embarrassed by their eldest and the group laughed in relief.

"Are we really doing this? They are not saying anything anymore."

The youngest looked at them from the ground, laid down breathing hard, and said, "We're close to debuting."

When everyone was done with their stuff and cleaned themselves they left. Almost all of them ran out to catch the last bus of the day or were just in a hurry. I, on the other hand, had to walk home so I did everything slower. When I got out, in the distance, I heard a group of girls around my age shouting and laughing. When they got closer, I realized they were my classmates, there were about four of them and they were drunk.

They noticed me.

"Look at you. It's late, pretty girls like you shouldn't stay out," one of them said and I frowned.

"Don't tell me. You were practicing?" she said laughing. The other three got in a semi-circle in front of me.

"It's a really difficult life isn't it, miss idol? Everybody wants you and you're here dancing until late," she mocked me, with her fingers under her eyes faking tears, and let out a hearty laugh. The choir followed with a carol of joy.

"It's sad really," she continued, "so popular but so tired."

She pushed me down on the ground and the group stepped back making more space for the two. She forcefully pulled my hair, forcing me to get up. The girl got closer and said, "And you're so pretty. It would be a shame if anything happened to this pretty face."

She slapped me. They laughed. They kicked me. I tried to defend myself, curling into a fetus position and protecting my head. They snickered as they continued wasting the effects of the alcohol on me. When they were finally satisfied, they got up and left me there on the side of the road and went away to the opposite way of where they came from.

I remained on the ground with tears on her face and sobbed trying not to make any noise, I wanted silence. However I heard their voices again, from the distance, and they were screaming.

"What do you think you're doing?!" the same girl as before squealed."We're girls, you think you can-." The group gasped.

"You're five and I'm one and you just beat that girl up. You think I care?" It was a male voice.

The girls ran away but the guy didn't try to chase them and walked to me.

"There's a convenience store nearby, we can get something cold for your face," he said with a soft tone. I recognized the voice and looked at him, I recognized his face too. It was you. My legs trembled a little as I held myself upon your shoulder for support. "It's fine, take your time," you said dusting my back.

At the shop, you bought a bag of frozen peas so I could put it on my face where it still hurts. "I ate those for dinner, they're great. I can use them for everything, look, you're using them too now," you said and I laughed. I calmed down a little and your face got more serious and worried.

"I told you. Starting from tomorrow I'll bring you home," you said.

"But it was only this time," I said.

"And the other four before."

"Kind of."

"Being there by 11:30 should be good."

"But you should sleep."

"I would just be studying, and either way, it's way better to have your company," you insisted, leaning down on the chair. A small smile formed on my face. Ever since that day, the two always walked home late at night even when it was freezing or when it was raining. We got way closer.

You grew up so well. Unfortunately, many girls seemed to notice you and fall for you. I don’t blame them, you were very charming, so attractive for such a young student but I couldn’t let them near you. They were fools, too stupid to realize they were nowhere close to your level, you were levels above and they were just insects. I had to make sure no one bothered you, to avoid you crying because some worthless bitch broke your heart.

I was surprised when you told me you got asked out. But then I felt my chest burn.

There’s only one thing that I can’t stand in this world and that’s people who think they can take what’s mine. I don’t care about gossip, jealousy or envy, I don’t have anyone to compete with, I just want what’s mine. And you are mine.

It was so easy to scare them away. All it took was a quick talk behind the school, a very convincing speech, a cutter to their throats…

They were scared of me. Good. You didn’t suspect anything—they’d still smile at me as if nothing happened, I made sure to tell them. I couldn’t let you know, to worry more than you already were.

The bullying had completely stopped towards me because you were always by my side defending me and eventually they all got the message. If you were just a crush before, now I love you. If I loved you, now I worship you. You’re my religion, my god, my purpose. I’ll kill for you, live for you, and I’ll love you forever. Wherever you go, I’ll follow you. Whether that’s heaven, hell, or any other world. My very existence is embroidered into your name, I can’t exist without you.

Things were going great, so great. You only had eyes for me. Those two beautiful pupils could only look at me, at my face, at my body, only at me. I loved when you stared at me, I was yours after all, you could watch how much you wanted.

That was until those two eyes became one. You got a big bruise on your left eye, it was swollen, black, and horrible.

You were waiting for me near the big tree behind the school like you always did, and you talked to me like you always did, without worry or pain. “Hey, Chaewon,” you greeted me.

“What happened?!”

“Nothing, I just hurt myself,” you lied. How naive you were, you were too kind, too nice. I didn’t believe you one single bit. I wonder why you did that? Why did you lie to me? Was it to protect whoever did that to you? To protect who hurt you?

“Tell me. Tell me, who hurt you?” I asked you calmly.

“It’s really nothing Chae… I’m serious, I only hurt myself—”

“TELL ME WHO THE HELL HURT YOU RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!” I asked again, the sudden increase in volume startled you and you backed away into the tree. I didn’t know at the time, and you’d tell me later, but my eyes were empty. You got scared, I apologize, I just couldn’t help it.

“Ch-Chaewon?” you stuttered.

When I realized you were terrified, I calmed down. “Huh? Oh, my bad, sorry… I was just really worried, but now, please tell me.” I shook my head and took a couple of steps back.

“Okay, I will tell you… it was Seojun,” you finally confessed. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink on his uniform. I apologized, but since I was alone and his ‘friends’ were with him, they thought they could get their revenge on me.”

“I see… let’s get you some ice for that eye for now,” I told you and we started to walk into the infirmary for the second time. I hated walking into that place, especially with you. I tried my best to hold it inside me, not to scare you again, but I was going to snap anytime soon.

“Chae, are you alright?” you asked me.

“Oh, don’t worry about me, dear… and it will okay from now on. You don’t have to worry about Seojun anymore.”

You know, people say that the first time is special, you never forget it. The first time I bathed my hands in the warm liquid that is human blood, my body was cold. I felt hesitation at first, but I knew I was doing it for you, and thinking about you, all that fear was gone. And I killed him.

Yes, it was me that killed Seojun. I don’t regret one bit what I’ve done to him. I made sure he suffered as much as he made you suffer. An eye for an eye, as they say.

That day was special, it was like I confessed to you and instead of a ring, I gave you a life. It was only fair you’d give me your life in return.

The murder of Seojun made headlines in the news and when asked about it, the students never said anything nor praised or acted sad at his death. No one missed him. It’s quite sad that life can be so insignificant that not a single person will care about how gruesome your death was and forget you the next day. To be quite honest, he deserved it. We die in the same way we live.

You were a bit suspicious of me at first. You didn’t really doubt me—you were curious. The news of his death was delivered by our professor during the first period with a sigh before continuing the lesson. The reactions were mixed but mostly towards one extreme: relief.

When a bad person dies, two things will happen: if you’re a good person or a victim, you will be happy; if you’re equally bad then you’ll be scared, because you know he already got what he deserved and nothing prevented you from having the same fate as nothing is stronger than luck.

You were both worried and glad. I’ve always noticed how you tend to care about other people, it’s something that I really love about you, you just have to direct toward the people who deserve it. “Hey, Chae, do you know anything about Seojun’s murder?” you asked me during the break. You were hesitant at first but I was sure you’ve thought about it long enough to decide to spill it.

You must have thought about what I said the other day: You don’t have to worry about Seojun anymore.

“Huh?” I raised my eyebrow at you. “Why would I have anything to do with his death?”

“W-well… you see… you said that I didn’t have to worry about him anymore and the next day… he dies.” Your shoulders were so tight almost as if you were trying to keep the words inside of you. Your gaze flitted around the room, never settling on one person or object for long.

“It must have been a coincidence,” I told you. “And karma.”

“Right,” you muttered. Then you relaxed your shoulders.

“By the way,” I changed the topic, “there is going to be the last test before the debut at Hybe.”

Your eyes changed completely, they brightened. Every time I talked about my dream, you always seemed too excited for me. You fully believed in my ambition and constantly encouraged me to keep trying. Whenever I practiced, I always thought of you.

I always think of you.

“That’s awesome, Chae. It’s your opportunity, you wanted to become an idol all this time.”

“I will start practicing right away then,” I said. “I want to be with you that day. Can you come with me?”

“What day will it be?”

“Next Saturday, 4:00 pm.”

“Next Saturday… 4:00 pm,” you repeated. “I’ll make sure to be there—I will be there, I will.”

“Thank you,” I smiled and hugged you. You were still a bit against the idea of hugging but slowly you were getting used to it. I trusted that you’ll eventually come to love it.

I had prepared about four songs for the test: two for my singing and two for my dancing, one of them was good for both. I decided to be very broad with my songs because if they asked for more, I’d be prepared. You never know. I didn’t want to go there and have them ask for a random song and fail horribly.

You were waiting for me in front of the building with a little bag of snacks. I mentioned all of them before to you and you remembered. Some of them were for when I’d finish the whole thing and some as a snack to calm my nerves.

Honestly, I felt like you were my boyfriend already. If anyone saw us together, they’d say the same thing. Every little thing you did was so full of attention, I knew you cared for me, and I loved you so much.

Anyways, the time came. I bid you goodbye and entered.

The test went terribly wrong.

You waited two hours for me, only for me to blow it all up. When I came out, I was so embarrassed, I didn’t want you to see me at all.

“So Chae, how was it?” you asked but I didn’t reply. It was hard to come up with any word at all. I couldn’t even look at you in the eyes.

“Chae?”

“Chaewon?”

You finally got enough at the third time and you grabbed my shoulder to shake and direct my gaze at you. “Chaewon, answer me please!” you said with an upset tone.

“Do you… do you think I’m a failure?”

“What are you talking about?” you asked back.

“Hey, am I a failure? Tell me. Were the guys right? I am not meant to be an idol after all, should I give up after all? Tell me, please!” I hiccuped and cried. I was truly heartbroken. It was the test per se but the fact that I disappointed you, that I wasted all your determination and belief you had in me.

“Chaewon, no…” you whispered and went for a hug. It was awkward, you didn’t know how to hug. You tried to put a hand on my shoulder and one on my hip, but it didn’t work. Then you tried to put both of them on my shoulder but you looked like you wanted to headbut me. On the third try, you succeeded and properly hugged me very tightly.

I buried my head into your chest, it was where I could really feel safe.

“Chaewon, what happened in there? How did it go?”

“I FAILED! I BLEW IT ALL UP! IT’S ALL GONE!” I yelled and gripped you harder.

“How is that possible? You’re perfect, I mean, you sing so beautifully and you’re beautiful,” you said. “You’ve been practicing… why? How?”

“I’m sorry it’s that I was so worried. I got distracted. I continued to ask myself if I’d fail and so on… I knew the lyrics but I got jittery and…”

“No, Chaewon! I told you to believe in yourself. You can do it. You can do it.”

“But—”

“You have talent, Chae,” you repeated, “and I’ve seen it since day one. You will not fail. You just have to try again.”

I was embarrassed to see if I could try again but you weren’t and you stormed inside the building, dragging me by arm to ask the staff if I could try again. You explained everything and even pleaded with them until they gave in.

This time, you were waiting for me outside the door. I knew I wouldn’t fail again.

Don’t think about anything else. Focus.

I sang the first song. Just like I practiced. Then I danced. It was perfect.

I passed. I was so happy and I just had to tell you. I ran outside but you weren’t there.

I searched everywhere until I understood you weren’t in the building and had to search for you outside. I found you in an alley, bloody and bruised.

I immediately called the ambulance and they rushed you to the hospital. Your condition was so bad they had to x-ray your whole body and do a small surgery.

When I found you, you could barely talk or even breathe. You were laying in a pool of blood, that came from the numerous cuts all over your body—they weren’t clean but all rough and jacked, meaning they came from brute force and not blades. Your clothes were also messed up and ripped. Together, I could count on 19 injuries at least. I couldn’t understand at all. Why would someone do that to you? And how did it happen?

Together with you was a bag with two drinks and a couple of sandwiches. I suppose you went outside to a convenience store to buy something, maybe for me, and then… you were attacked. This may have been premeditated, it’s impossible a group of people randomly hurt you that bad.

I couldn’t stop crying, you know?

To see you in those conditions, I could only think of the worse.

What if you’d never wake up again?

What if you’d be miserable for the rest of your life?

What if you died?

It was my fault. I’m sorry, it was totally my fault. It was because I took way too long in the test, chatting with the staff, seeing the other girls so happily, while you were being jumped… I could have protected you, we could have gone home together and this would have never happened.

The doctor called me. “Kim Chaewon?”

“Yes?” I raised my eyes. I saw him and wiped my tears before standing up and walking to him.

“Is he okay…?” I asked.

“He’s not in danger is what I can tell you. Some of his bones are broken and he has received a concussion, he may be asleep for a while, you see,” he said.

“Can I see him?”

“Yes, you can,” the doctor agreed, “this way…”

He guided me toward another floor of the hospital. You have been transferred from the emergency room to the patient’s rooms. You were in the section where more care was needed—the hallway was quieter, everyone walked slower, and everything was more gentle.

I entered your room slowly, holding myself up with a hand on the door frame and then I saw you. Your eyes were closed. Your whole body was covered in bandages and you were hooked to all sorts of machines with cables and cords everywhere. It was almost like seeing a puppet tied up in strings and they were keeping you alive.

I was scared to come close to you. I feared that any of my movements could have damaged you even more. You were so fragile at that moment.

I gently lowered myself to the chair next to your bed and held your hand. I cried. I cried again, so much. I couldn’t help but keep thinking it was my fault. If only I was quicker…

Some of your items were put in the drawer. I noticed your phone together with your wallet and backpack. The screen was cracked and some of the blood crusted into the cracks. I don’t know why I felt curious but I unlocked the screen—you trusted me enough to let me know your password months ago to check some messages while you were busy cooking—and it opened KakaoTalk. You were texting me and the phone memorized it.

Chae be careful the bullies might be after you

Don’t go in the shortcut at the

Oh, dear. You were on the brink of death and all you could think was to warn me, to protect me. You didn’t even think of calling for help. I understood everything. It was those bullies again… they didn’t forget, did they? It’s because their life turned to hell after they didn’t have anyone to bully anymore and they got revenge but attacking you.

I was angry. I was furious. I was so pissed that I unconsciously cracked your phone even more. It was that feeling again, all over—the fire in my chest.

I will kill them. Each one of the. I will make them suffer. I will tear them to shreds. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them.

I will make them pay for everything they have done for you.

They were so stupid. It was so easy to trick them: I attacked their leader when he was coming home late and forced him to send a message to everyone who was involved in your attack—he confessed right away when I showed him my knife.

The guys came on point the next day. It was all so easy. They always hung out at the abandoned warehouse where they could make all the mess they wanted and dragged their victims to torture them properly and in private. Now they were dragging themselves to their death.

I dressed in black that day. You never liked seeing me in black. People used to tell me I tried to stand out too much so they forced me to use torn, old, ugly clothes, but when they stopped tormenting me, you brought me to buy more clothes for me.

But that day I wasn’t dressing as the victim. I was in the guise of the Grim Reaper.

I prepared my knives, axes, clamps, nails, and staplers and waited for them in the building.

Humans are so easy to kill. They are so frail and mortal—I had to be extremely careful not to let them die immediately to cause them all the pain they deserved. I’ll spare you the details. You don’t have to know of the gruesome parts of their murder. I’ll just tell you everything they did to you and in their years of bullying, I did to them. From crowbars to knives, to fire and stabbing.

When the last one stopped screaming, I felt at peace. The silence was absolute. I couldn’t even hear the wind, the cars, or the noises of the city. It was completely quiet.

I finally avenged you.

Part 4

Disposing of the bodies was quite simple but extremely tiring. I had to chop their bodies to bits, bury them and hide all the evidence. I cleaned with bleach all my weapons, the floor, and the walls of the warehouse. I had to soil the floor since it was dirty before and I couldn’t leave a clean patch in there, it would have been a dead giveaway.

Of course, I had to get rid of all their phones. I broke them into little pieces before grinding them up to a bag of dust and flushing them down the toilet.

I got most of my weapons from around the city. I stole the knives from the school kitchen and returned them to them. I did the crime on a Friday night and finished in the evening of Saturday so they wouldn’t have noticed the disappearance of their tools. I bought the rest of the tools from a hardware store so I could have just put it in someone else’s garage.

I couldn’t burn my clothes or rags because that would have caught the attention of my neighbors or anyone nearby so I colored it with all sorts of paints so the blood would have been unrecognizable. If anyone analyzed them, it would look like they were of an artist. And then I disposed of them.

Burying the bodies was the most laborious part and I could only do it during the night. It took me both Saturday and sunday to get rid of all the evidence.

The next days were all marked by nightmares. I didn’t dream of what I did. What haunted me was you leaving me. I was afraid that my crime could have separated us.

Chaewon, you’re a monster.

I can’t be friends with a murderer.

I can’t love a killer.

I hate you.

I wish you died.

I was distressed and jittery during the day and couldn’t sleep at night. Many times I would get distracted in those thoughts, imagining all the things you could say to me, and not realize people calling me. I would often zone out and not hear anything else.

“Chaewon? Are you okay?” my classmates would tell me. I would snap out of my daze and realize most of them were looking at me then I’d realize I actually chipped a corner of the table off with my grip.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s nothing,” I could only say. They would continue with the day forgetting about it or just tell their friends excitedly about a classmate with a freakish strength.

It was especially hard when I was training with the other trainees but I told myself you wouldn’t be proud of me if I wasn’t doing my best and forced myself to dance.

On Monday, their disappearance was announced but nobody could find anything. Not a single trace. The secret was safe with me.

They also announced your attack but they didn’t connect the two events together, assuming you were also a victim. The attacks in this Korea were common anyways. Bullying was so widespread you could say it was part of our culture.

After a week. you were still asleep. The doctor concluded that they must have stomped your head too for you to be concussed that badly. They damaged the nerves.

Unfortunately, I knew only after I killed them. If I knew I would have done the same to them so they could feel the pain you felt but I guess cutting their limbs counts as nerve damage as well.

I was getting extremely impatient waiting for your awakening. The doctor couldn’t help me but it wasn’t their fault. I’ve only realized now how much I relied on you and those days without you were as sad as Halloween without candies.

When I woke up, I couldn’t tell if the Sun rose already or if it was still sunrise, it was timid, and the light cast a somber hue in the room. It was gray and pale. The soundscape was eerily quiet, the usual chirping birds seemed to have disappeared, as if even nature was mourning alongside me.

Walking through the corridors of the school, I felt like a solitary figure amidst a sea of faces. Conversations echoed around me, yet they seemed distant. The classrooms, usually alive with energy, felt suffocatingly silent.

I couldn’t help but notice how happy the other students went on with their days, completely ignoring what happened to you. Worst of all, some students even mocked you, saying you were a loser and you deserved it. My bloodthirst was beyond the roof. I had to hold myself back a lot not to commit other killings, reminding myself that I could have raised a case of a serial killer if I wasn’t careful enough.

I thought I had been sneaky enough not to raise any suspicion but I didn’t know the only person to find out would have been you.

I was in an alley near the hospital when I met one of those mean girls. They were badmouthing you and I had to make sure they wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t kill them, you don’t have to worry about that. I merely sent a message, a little punishment. I got one nail for each insult they said toward you. Poor them, they won’t have nails for months—I hope it hurts.

They ran away but when I turned around, I saw you. You were looking at me so horrified and disgusted.

“I had my suspicions, Chae…” you said. “The coincidence was too perfect. I woke up and saw the news, I knew it was you. And now, I’m sure.”

“You’re mistaken, dear,” I tried to say foolishly.

“Chae, I saw everything.” Your face morphed into an extreme melancholy, of disappointment and sadness. My face instead contorted into a horrified frown. You… my best and only friend, my love. You discovered my worse secret—I knew what the consequences were and I knew what the risks were.

“I mean, what are you even doing here? Weren’t you still sleeping?”

“I woke up this morning—I got discharged—and the doctor let me take a walk… and then I saw you.”

“Do you know what I did all of this, darling?” I asked, my nerves were so tense and my blood was pumping like crazy. I was getting more and more scared. There was a thread inside me that was being pulled and pulled…

“W-what is it?” you asked with hesitation.

“It’s because… I… I love you.”

I saw the shock on your face but I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I did it. I snapped. You found out and there was no turning back. You didn’t have a choice either.

“W-what? What are you saying?”

“Darling, don’t you get it? I love you so so so so so much. I love you so much—to the point I killed for you. Yes, I did kill them. I murdered them. I slaughtered them. I made them suffer, love, the way they made you suffer… Please! Please understand—I’m doing this because I love you.”

“Chae, you’re scaring me. Stop…”

“Oh, don’t be scared, my love. I would never harm you or kill you… I would only cherish you—in fact, I did all of this to protect you from those bastards! I love you with all of my heart.”

That fire inside of me took over again and this time I was already glued to you, my knee under your thigh, pinning you to the wall, a hand on your cheek and one near your waist. You couldn’t move at all, I wouldn’t let you. I was finally this close to you… your skin was so smooth and soft—just like you, my precious baby.

Maybe I was smiling a bit too much. You’d describe to me later that I looked psychotic, yes, I was crazy.

You didn’t know how to react. I admit, you were so cute—so vulnerable and fragile, just at my mercy. Yet, you dared to take and push my hand away from your face.

“Chae, I’m sorry,” you said and it almost broke my heart, “but I just… I-I- I don’t know…” you said.

“What aren’t you sure about? Is it my love? Is it not clear enough?” I asked. “I’ll do anything for you, just ask me.”

“Please stay away from me,” you replied, “for a while.”

“What are you saying, darling?”

“Chae… you’re my best friend and I understand why you did all of that. I do. But I need to think about it. Don’t worry, I won’t say this to anyone, no one at all, but I need to stay alone for a bit,” you pleaded, “I just recovered too.”

“Okay, fine,” I agreed. You were right. It was a bit too much for you, especially after you just woke up from that concrete hospital bed. Also, I knew I could trust you. You never betrayed me so that did not scare me.

You slowly backed away and left me, alone in the alley.

I don’t know why but I started laughing hysterically.

I thought I messed up a lot. That isn’t the way your lover should look at you, right? Terrified and pleading on the verge of tears. You should have looked at me lovingly. I was so scared you’d leave me and I couldn’t let you do that. I needed you too much.

But then you left me waiting for almost a month. I respected your choice and didn’t contact you at all but it’s been too long. I figured that knowing I killed tormented you so I didn’t touch anyone else but rather I kept it to simply threatening them verbally and that seemed to work.

You have to understand I couldn’t take it anymore. Looking at your pictures every night wasn’t enough. Listening to your voice from the vocal messages wasn’t enough. Smelling the shirts I stole from you wasn’t enough, and the smell was fading away. My imagination wasn’t enough, especially when I knew I could have you and I was just waiting for the right moment.

Then the right moment came. I sent you a message just to let you know, you couldn’t say no. I went right to your house, which I came over to many times already, and even your mother knew me. She let me inside with a smile, she was so kind. I knew where you got that virtue from.

I heard you running frantically around your room. You must have been dressing up, so I waited until you were done, knocked, and opened the door. Your room smelled just like I remembered it, it was so good, it was just you.

“It’s been a while, Chae,” you said, clearly nervous. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing terrible, honey,” I answered honestly and you gulped. “You know, I’ve been good to you. I waited and did nothing else. I did not kill or hurt anyone. I let you have your space, then why did you disappear for an entire month?”

“I kept thinking and reflecting on what happened…”

“For a month?” I was furious. “Did you try to make me forget you? Did you try to forget me?”

“It’s that… It has been a tough month,” you said. “My best friend murdered 6 people, or more… How could I go back to what we were before? You killed… humans.”

“So? They didn’t deserve to live anyways. I did it for you.”

“No, Chae—”

“They beat you up so badly you couldn’t even walk!” I snapped. “They badmouthed you, they laughed at you and… why are you defending them?!”

“Yes, but you took their lives.”

“They were going to take your life too! Don’t you get it?”

“Chae, please—”

“No! Shut up! I can’t take this anymore! I can’t forgive them. They’re always making fun of you, beating you up, torturing you—just because you’re my friend! But you keep shoving it away and get hurt for me… I- I…”

I hugged you. I had to hold onto something and you were the only one that could have helped me stand up. All those years… I was so pent up, I was so tired of it. I know you told me many times to let it be but I can’t. Sorry, I just can’t help it. I can’t let anyone walk away after they hurt you, even if it’s something as little as pinching you, because you mean too much to me.

“Darling, I love you!” I sobbed and pleaded onto your chest, bathed by my tears, “I missed you so much. If I don’t see you even for a day, it starts to hurt, you know? I’ll do anything to stay with you, anything! Just tell me! I want to see you every day, I can’t let you leave like this…”

“If it’s like this,” you started, “we can make a deal.”

“A-a deal? Really?”

“Yes, a deal. You can see me how much you want but absolutely no killing. No physical assault and no insults to anyone.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes, you just have to restrain yourself.”

“Very well. Then, I promise, I will never kill again, I swear. Does that mean I can see you every day?” I asked. My tears finally stopped pouring out, the hiccup was still there, but I could focus and talk to you properly now. I took a deep breath and spoke, “Then you have to be my boyfriend from now on.”

“What did you just say?” you asked with confusion.

“You can’t say no. You are my boyfriend now. You know already, I told you so many times. I love you with all of myself.”

I knew you liked me a little already. I wasn’t sure if it was as strong as my love for you was, although I doubt it can, I knew you were interested in me. No one would stick with me for that long and no one would defend me from all those bullies. I knew you loved me, of course you did, you always took care of me since our first day and I couldn’t help but fall for you too.

I tried my best to change my appearance to suit your ideal type more. I dressed better, I dieted, I worked out, and I practiced so much that I wouldn’t disappoint you.

“Chae, are you sure? I’m just a regular guy and you’re an idol…”

“Don’t lie to yourself, honey. I wouldn’t give myself to just anyone. You never laughed about me, you believed in me when nobody else did, and you infected me with your kindness and humanity. You’re the best man I can ask for.”

“Thank you…”

“You’ll be my boyfriend and I’ll be your girlfriend, okay? Do you accept?”

“Uhm…”

“Do you accept?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Ma’am?” I laughed. “Don’t tell me you have some weird fetish going on… It’s okay. Just tell me, I won’t mind, hehe.”

Part 5

You have been very strict with me. The first thing you did was to establish a set of rules and all the punishment that would have resulted in breaking them. You’ve been very clear in defining them and made sure I understood you were very serious about it and would absolutely punish me if I dared to not respect them. They were something along the line of:

NO KILLING. The punishment is an instant break-up.

NO BODY HARM to anyone. The punishment is no contact for two weeks.

NO KIDNAPPING/STALKING/THREATENING other people. The punishment is no skin touching for a week.

RESPECT YOU. We’re together in this relationship and I have to listen to you.

TRUST YOU. You'll leave me if I don’t trust you when you tell me you aren’t cheating.

I accepted them and we started dating. Our relationship was as good as it was before but this time I got to be as clingy as I wanted, hugging you as much as I wanted, holding your hand wherever we went, and most of all you gave me a lot of head pats. You always gave me head pats to congratulate me when I did well in school or had a good performance.

It was difficult to respect those rules and you showed me how convinced you were of them when I broke the hand of a guy who shoved you against the lockers. You really ghosted me for two weeks without saying anything. When they ended I couldn’t help but jump on you and I promised to be more careful. Since then, I didn’t break any other rules and you showed me your love in so many ways, I lost count of them.

We learned a lot about each other and helped each other all the time. You helped me be more confident with my skills and get angry (but you told me I was cute when I got mad). You were always a bit discouraged with your work, giving up easily, and I made sure you knew how great you were. Just like me, school has really made you more insecure about yourself, but when we were together, we achieved a lot more.

Recently I discovered a hidden diary you used to keep under your bed, between the mattress and the frame. The last thing you wrote was months ago, way before the incident, and it was you rambling about me. ABOUT ME! And it was so adorable. “I have the biggest crush on my friend!” You wrote on the last page.

I stared at the words in a daze, it was like the words were screaming in my face. I was used to only obsessing over you and knowing you were going through the same thing warmed my heart.

You know, I’ve never believed in good endings, but with you, I think I finally found one where we are the protagonists. Our story is not like a fairy tale, it’s far from perfect, I am not a princess, nor could ever be one. However, you made me feel like one and I’m more than sure you’re my prince.

Sorry if I am always so obsessive and so imperfect, I just can’t help it.

THE END

Written, 7 June - 27 June 2023

[whumpsday]

Uh, hello, hope this isn’t strange at all but I just wanted to say your writing is (not sure if you’re fine with cussing so sorry if you’re not :/) fucking amazing. I can’t express it in any other way that is actually coherent, but yeah. So, here’s an entire little ramble about my general feelings of amazement towards your writing that I haven’t left in comments otherwise because A) I have severe social anxiety and extreme shyness and overthinky tendencies so I am primarily a lurker and B) This is just how I express my kudos to people whose stuff I like (sorry if it’s horribly unstructured and generally unhinged; I am not the best at conveying feelings through words and I tend to just word vomit all my unfiltered thoughts.)

Sifting through my memory, you’re probably the first actual whump series I tentatively got into, like the first series I probably read, and it spurred my realization (self discovery?) from there. Starting off, the Kane and Jim thing is just done so fucking well, I can see all the scenes so vividly in my imagination (the picrews definitely help but also you describe and narrate and whatever the hell English teachers say it is so well. I mean the writing it’s so damn descriptive. That might just be a side effect of my really vivid imagination and also me being a very simple person, but still, I fucking love it), I can tell you put a lot of thought and work into writing the chapters (also with how long it takes for updates.

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, take as much time as you need to make the chapters how you want them to be so they have their fullest potential). The way you write each of the characters, each of them has their distinctive personalities (to me that’s amazing since whenever I try to write, I can never get the words to be like that if it makes sense), the way you’ve built and developed each of the characters and how you portray them in your writing is fucking beautiful. Even the little drabbles are so well put together (hope that doesn’t sound weird, that’s a compliment. My brain is seeing the tone as rude somehow)

I don’t think I have enough words or brain ability to coherent my thoughts to conceptualize to you how amazing your writing is but I swear it’s amazing (really hope this doesn’t come across as buttering you up or anything like that. I genuinely am just trying to express my amazement), but long story short, I hope you continue to work on your series and I can’t wait for whenever you update it!

As for the somewhat unrelated part of the ask, yeah, again, you’re probably the person who spurred on and was the starting point (????) for my self discovery of whump. That is to say, I never realized that it was whump that I liked reading and also in general (finally understand why I have a fascination with torture and putting my brain blorbos and others through hell and then comfort and the like lol), and your series, granted, while it wasn’t the first, was the catalyst for me getting into it. I’m not sure if this would be exaggerating on my part, but if I didn’t discover you, I probably wouldn't have discovered all of the other blogs whom I love reading from or seeing content I like or heck even helping me create and develop some new concepts for characters or worldbuilding (I really like doing that as a hobby).

So thank you for the inspiration (is that even the word?) and discovery, but also screw you because now it’s taking up my brain energy for stuff like learning and trying to get into other hobbies (I’m joking, I don’t actually screw you to clarify. It’s sarcasm, I really want to make that clear, I’m not good at text tone).

I hope one day to be able to get the motivation and push aside my brain doubts to write stuff like you do (and also every other writer out there I lurk on who might be reading this. I hope that doesn’t come off as disingenuous by me saying that and not only saying you, I’m probably overthinking that severely…) and, if it’s not at all an issue, that I’d be able to perhaps ask some advice for writing in the future (if I ever work up the courage thanks to social anxiety.). I have so much more to say but my brain unfortunately does not have the capacity to translate chaotic brain thoughts into coherent words (and the damn thing keeps thinking of more things to add on and agh-) but long story short, I’m very glad you exist and thank you for writing the Kane and Jim story

I hope you’re having a wonderful day/night, are staying hydrated, taking care of yourself, and, if you’re still experiencing it, you get past whatever writer's block you have at the moment (and if you don’t, take it as a little brain break. Or don’t, I’m not your parent) :)

Also I deeply apologize if this comes off as strange or too much or stalkerish or whatever and I fully understand if it’s off putting. Adding this probably doesn’t help, but overthinking and social anxiety is a fucking bitch

aw anon this is so so sweet!! i'm honored my writing has had such an impact for you!! you are def overthinking yourself, there is nothing wrong with this message at all, i love it!! <3

and yes, you can feel free to send more asks if you like! you are braver than i am: for the past several months, i've had an email drafted to my old high school english teacher thanking her for everything she did for me (i'd never have gotten into writing without her), letting her know i'm also working in education now and have some published work, but i'm way too shy... i will try to take inspiration from you and send that email!!

and also finish the chapter i'm working on lol.

[mrboogerlip]

My TDDUP Pairings

Marcus x Estevan

“Kitten ♥”

“Master ♥”

Chris x John

“...Fuck you limp dick.”

Jack x Rolando

“I wanna see more ♥”

Okay, first, I’m going to say YES, THAT IS THAT JOHN LOL It’s just an evil version of him. Evil John. At first I placed Rolando in the role as the MC in Chris’s route, but it got too painful to watch him act like that. When my friend jokingly told me I should’ve played as John instead, I restarted my game and did just that XD

And second, Estevan and Rolando are my pre-existing OCs. I did not create them to be paired with these people. They have their own universe that they come from with their own backstory and everything, but I just inserted them in here just for fun. In fact, Estevan and Rolando are actually boyfriends in their original universe! But let’s just pretend they never got together in this alternate universe LOL

I’m about to ramble about my characters and how I think each pairing would fare and other things, so get ready… Also, I’ll be altering the story just a little to make it fit XD

And also, Estevan and Rolando might be a little different from how I usually show them since they don’t know some of the people who’ve influenced who they are. (This mostly applies to Estevan)

Marcus x Estevan

So, Estevan is kind of young compared to Marcus. He’s 25 years old, while Marcus is 39. Not quite old enough for Marcus to be his father, but definitely old enough to be his daddy! (I’m sorry, I had to say that XD) 14 year age difference isn’t so bad, but it would probably make more sense to bump my characters’ ages up so it won’t be too silly… You’ll understand when we get to Jack and Rolando.

Marcus is 6 ft 5 in (196 cm), while Estevan is 5 ft 10 in (177 cm). It’s funny seeing Estevan be next to someone taller than him… Usually, I cap my characters’ heights at around 6 ft (183 cm) because I do not like drawing taller people, so Estevan is actually considered one of the “taller” ones XD

Funnily, Estevan and Marcus are BOTH police officers, so it must have been really awkward when they got divorced… I imagine that they both just went as normal, pretending not to be affected by what happened between them. They’re both pretty good at hiding their true emotions. Estevan being completely within reach, but not being able to be with him anymore would drive Marcus crazy. (Helping him become more obsessed??) Meanwhile, on the inside, Estevan would be a WRECK, much like the MC.. I consider Estevan to be a strong person, both physically and mentally, but he is a mess when it comes to his personal relationships… Usually, Estevan would just endure it, maybe even go along with it, if someone he loved was being crazy. (Although, I think Estevan would probably draw the line at physical abuse. But it was confirmed that Marcus never hurt the MC while they were married anyway.) Honestly, I cannot imagine a world where Estevan actually leaves the relationship just because Marcus was being possessive of him. XD Even if Marcus didn’t want Estevan to go out and hang out with friends or is picky with who he becomes friends with….. Estevan doesn’t even really have anyone he considers “friends” anyway!! XD Estevan only hangs out with people out of obligation. Estevan would much prefer to be alone. Or rather, be with his husband, in this case. So, to make it make sense, let’s go for a different angle. Let’s say Marcus wanted Estevan to quit his job as a police officer because it’s dangerous and he wants Estevan to rely on him instead. (I believe I saw the game’s creator saying Marcus does want the MC to rely on him financially.) Okay, honestly, I think Estevan would probably just quit his job and become a househusband for Marcus if Marcus really wanted that, because Estevan likes cooking and cleaning anyway LOL He likes very mundane things and very extreme things (some things he has to do on duty)… My boy is so silly…  Anyway, let’s just say Estevan doesn’t want to quit his job because he’d feel useless if he wasn’t bringing any money in or maybe he’d feel like he’s betraying all that he worked for. I don’t think this would get so far that Marcus and Estevan would divorce, but it is more believable than the friend scenario LOL (I’m sorry, I don’t really know the specifics of why Marcus and the MC divorced. All we know is that Marcus was an “overbearing husband” …whatever that means!!) Anyway!! Let’s just say this is why they got divorced. 

Now, I honestly can’t imagine Estevan going to get another boyfriend because of how he doesn’t usually make an effort to bring people in on a personal level. (Estevan views it as “unnecessary” and I actually think those feelings would be amplified if he got divorced from someone.) So let’s just say John was really persistent about getting with Estevan, because that’s really the only way you’re gonna be able to get with this guy LOL (John is not Estevan’s type at all though…) John was all nice to Estevan and made him feel comfortable, even when Estevan had a bad time remembering his ex-husband, Marcus… Until Marcus decides to sneak into their apartment and murder John in front of Estevan, abducting Estevan and taking him to his own house. How would Estevan handle all this? Well, Estevan would just go along with Marcus and try not to resist too much, despite how he feels about everything… He would see how unstable Marcus is and decide it’d be best not to provoke him. He’d just try to look for a way out while Marcus is gone. Fighting back isn’t really much of an option since… Well, as you can see, Marcus is a giant, even for Estevan LOL Since they’re both police officers, they likely went through the same training. Marcus also has weapons on him, so Estevan doesn’t really have the advantage here.

I think eventually Estevan would just… break down. Between seeing his boyfriend, John, get murdered in front of him and his ex-husband, Marcus, a man who he loved and eventually felt betrayed by, coming back to do all this to him, it would just kill him inside. He’d feel confused and in denial of being into the sex Marcus forces on him, but in reality, yes, he is into it!! XD Maybe he’d even start to go crazy enough that he’d encourage it… So therefore, I think Estevan WOULD fall into the mind break ending. Estevan is someone you can mold however you want as long as he likes you enough (or if you break him enough…) and I think Marcus does just that.

Now you can see why Estevan is wearing that little leather collar! It’s something special Marcus gave him!

Chris x (Evil) John

Chris is 36 years old, while John is 40. I don’t really have much to say. I just want to give their stats XD

Chris is 6 ft 1 in (185 cm), while John is 5 ft 7 in (170 cm). My first thought was, “oh god, Rolando and John are the same height…”

Now… I can’t really say much about this pairing, because none of them are even my characters. LOL If it was the normal regular John, I actually think he’d treat Chris well since he seemed really patient and understanding to the MC in Marcus’s route. Uhh, that’s all I have to say XD

Honestly, I thought John was a little ugly (a lot, actually) but after I drew him, I thought… “Well, maybe he’s not that ugly” LOL

(I’m sorry to all the John fans out there, if there are any, for slandering this good man’s name…)

The other two pairings reference an ending to their respective route, except for this one LOL I do like the ending where Chris and MC make up, just because it felt nice, even though I do not think they should ever be together because of the things they did to each other. I also like the ending where Chris calls the cops on himself… But I might draw that in another picture. So I just decided to draw one of my favorite lines in the game. See, this is why I don’t pick up the pen often, because I KNOW I will never be able to reach the exquisite 5-star chef’s kiss level of dialogue that is “Fuck you limp dick.” I’m sure Chris never recovered from the severe 3rd degree burn that that epic roast gave him.

Jack x Rolando

Jack is 50 years old, while Rolando is 22. WOW!!! Rolando is probably around the same age as Jack’s son!! You can see why I said it’d make more sense to bump Rolando’s age up, right?! XD I do like the thought of Rolando being much younger than Jack though…

Jack is 5 ft 10 in (177 cm), while Rolando is 5 ft 7 in (170 cm). Jack is the same height as Estevan! Maybe Jack is actually just an aged up Estevan… (He’s not)

So… I actually don’t think Rolando could have ever gotten to the point where he seriously doubts Jack’s fidelity. Unlike the MC in this route, Rolando is very straightforward and he doesn’t beat around the bush. He’d never stoop to spying on Jack or anything like that and he also wouldn’t wallow away in his doubts, not for long anyway. Also, Rolando is a sex-crazed man. He would not let Jack get away with not having sex with him for so long LOL

But let’s just say, yeah, Rolando has started to doubt Jack’s faithfulness. Rolando would definitely go the route of staying at home and working on his paintings. I always imagine Rolando would be a freelance artist if he wasn’t doing his… um, usual things. LOL

Rolando wakes up in the middle of the night to a noise and then he goes and finds out about the secret basement where Jack kills people and fucks their dead body! Jack knocks Rolando out and ties him up now that he knows his secret… How does Rolando react? Well, first of all, Rolando is a murderer too!! XD Or should I say “was” if I really am aging him up. Honestly, I don’t know how he wouldn’t be doing his hitman jobs since his work is directly tied to his own family, which is basically a mafia family. And he wouldn’t be able to escape it that easily… But let’s just skip all that and say it’s all behind him now. LOL Rolando wouldn’t be all that bothered that Jack is murdering people, compared to a normal person. His first thought would probably be “Is he properly hiding all the evidence?” It’s not that Rolando is okay with just murdering people carelessly like that. He’s just so… desensitized. Rolando doesn’t have that much empathy for people he doesn’t know and, honestly, he’d be more grossed out that Jack is putting his dick into rotting bodies rather than worrying about the ethical problems behind it. LOL

Rolando would see that Jack isn’t in the right state of mind at the moment, so he wouldn’t resist, due to the possibility of provoking him. When he’s put into a serious situation, Rolando takes note of his surroundings and acts accordingly. He is NOT a stupid person. If he was, he’d have been dead a long time ago. (I’m sorry, I had to say that. I’m always afraid people think that LOL)

I don’t really know what else to say, because Rolando is just a calm and collected person when he’s in serious situations. He’d be grossed out by the maggots though. If it gets Jack to fuck him silly, then Rolando would probably be willing… even if he’ll have maggots all crushed up in his ass………

(There’s a certain choice you have to make near the end to access this next part, but to be honest, I’m not sure I remember what it was. Marcus’s route is the only one I’ve replayed a million times… I need to replay Jack’s too though, because I love him so much…)

I don’t think Rolando would kill Jack. When Rolando loves someone, he’s VERY faithful to them and if he thinks something is wrong with them, then he WILL do what he thinks will help them. But… What if he doesn’t see anything wrong with what Jack is doing? Rolando is a pretty immoral person himself, so it probably wouldn’t be all that odd. (That’s probably a stretch. LOL) In fact, what if he ended up liking everything Jack was doing…? What if he wanted to see more? Well, Jack would be happy to show his husband all the kinds of things he’s into.

Moral of the story: If blood and dead bodies is what gets Jack to go hard on Rolando, then it’d still be a win in his book LOL

(Yes, I did skip some of the "gory" aspect of the relationships because… Well, I didn't really know what to say LOL)

BONUS:

Aww! These were the honeymoons their husbands took them on! How did they react? (Yes, this was taken from the creator's tumblr. :3)

(Okay, this is a little weird, because my characters actually live in a fantasy world that I made up XD)

Rolando would be surprised that Jack planned so many trips for their honeymoon! At the very least, he’d be intrigued at visiting multiple countries. He’d probably be more interested in the food than anything though! If we’re talking languages, I think Rolando would know how to speak Spanish if he lived in the real world. (This comes from my own headcanon XD) Although, I have no idea how different Latin American Spanish is from European Spanish.

Estevan would be a little reluctant to party, because he’s just not really that type of person, but he’d be easily convinced to go. He could probably even get into it as long as he downs more than a few drinks! ;p He would love the prospect of being in a different country to learn about the culture and the people there though! Estevan would probably study up on the culture and other  things before going. I can imagine Estevan staring at Marcus speaking to the locals, thinking he knows what he’s doing, and then being confused why they’re looking at him like that LOL

I think John would enjoy just being alone with Chris in a nice cabin. He seems like a simple man.

Wow!! That was really long!! Thank you for reading! (I'm so sorry)

[thisnameisnotspokenfor]

Another chapter snippet pt 2

((your halloween gift sorry...))

“You’re a lot of things but I wouldn’t call selfish one of them.”

“Alright then since you know so well why don’t you tell me- what am I?” 

“Defiant.”

“Defiant?” A strange laugh escaped her as she took a step back from the star. “What in the world makes you think that I, of all people, am defiant?!”

“I think that even though you and so many others tell yourself that you don’t deserve better, you don’t truly believe it. If you did then you wouldn’t want things to change. You wouldn’t hate yourself for not being able to accept it or berate yourself for feeling that you weren’t good enough. You wouldn’t want more not for yourself and others and you know that don’t you? That wish in and of itself is defying the very concept of the strict structure that your society seeks to perpetuate. But the people around you that’s become your world, have done nothing more than disappoint you over and over again so much that you can’t help but fear what would happen if you were to take that final step to leave it all behind. But you know it’s there don’t you?”

Shame filled her as she found herself unable to particularly answer before he continued, “In the king's perfectly crafted world of order you’re the entropy he fears. The one he’s tried so hard to convince the world never existed and that’s why he hates you for it.” He grinned an expression that had failed to match his words. “If I were your king, I’d be terrified of you.”

“If you were my king, I think I’d be a little more than defiant,” she grumbled, earning herself a rather hearty laugh from the star. 

She hadn’t exactly been joking, but hearing his laughter was a nice change of pace, she’d thought as she smiled in spite of herself. 

“I just don’t understand why you would make it sound like a good thing….” she sighed as his laughter died down.

“Isn’t it?” he smiled. “You’re a far more interesting woman than you think.”

Interesting. That was hardly a step up from amusing in her book. In fact, she wasn’t really sure what to make of it- would it have killed him to call her enchanting or tantalizing?! Eh, given what he’d said about the anti-love rules, probably…

But she couldn’t help but feel as if the star were studying her…for what and why was beyond her…perhaps he was still trying to figure out what to make of her.

‘Him and me both,’ she mentally sighed before wrapping the cloak around herself.

“Still…I can’t just up and leave my family like that…I’ve already given them enough problem as is and besides the culture and history of my family’s past and present is permanently ingrained into these lands….if I went to space with you. I could never come back here…”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

She took a deep breath. 

What was the point of keeping all these secrets from him? If he’d ever had something of an ulterior motive then what could she do to stop him? Yes, she knew in the past she’d kept all those secrets from him out of a sense of shame and possibly responsibility given her…father’s job. But with all that gone, why even bother? He was bound to find out the truth at the fair which she was admittedly in no state to attend. If anything it was better to tell him now, so she could at least prepare him.

“Cepheus there’s something I need to tell you…”

“This kingdom, its monarch and its people…in its infancy, it was believed that when our king gained the power to grant wishes, that it attracted attention from elsewhere and monsters descended from the skies. Monsters that only the king could defeat and keep the wishes safe from….and ever since then nearly everyone in this kingdom has had a negative view of stars…

“A courtesy of the king’s imagination, I guess,” he sighed.

“Yes….” she paused, taking in the distinct lack of surprise look on the star’s face. “did…did you know?”

“I mean, sort of? Yes?” he tentatively shrugged. “But in my defense, Velius’s rambling, the king’s law of power exclusivity, and even the entire concept of the wish gardens leave very little to the imagination.”

“You knew about the wish gardens?!” she exclaimed as she flew to her feet. “How?!”

The star hesitated, nearly looking embarrassed before he admitted, “When I granted Julian’s wish he was still lurking around it.”

She gritted her teeth. “I meant to tell you sooner, I really wanted to, given how deeply ingrained those sentiments were into our culture but I just didn’t know how, not when I was the reason why you’d ever be stuck in a place like this in the first place…”

“You didn’t see them, did you?”

“See what?”

“There are several murals scattered around the kingdom, each depicting a battle the king underwent while protecting Rosas from…you know…so I just wanted to warn you about them in case we see them tomorrow…”

“I see…well…” the star started after a moment or so of silence. “I appreciate the warning Asha…”

She cast him a wary glance, unable to fully make out his expression as he stared at the cloudy skies above. “Maybe you shouldn’t go….”

“And let you roam around a new place with more possible assassination attempts?” he shook his head. “Not likely.”

“Cepheus! Didn’t you hear Velius? OR anything I just said about the kingdom’s culture and viewpoint on stars? Someone knows you’re here in Hamlet and they’re actively looking to find you. Not to mention that The king’s going to be unveiling the final mural soon for this thing he claims is going to be the ‘new era of Rosas’, so if there was ever a time for the nobles and common folk to be completely insufferable about the topic, then it’s now!”

“Final mural?” the star repeated. Now he sounded curious.

“Yeah, he claims it’s depicting the most vicious star he ever fought.”

“Did he say the name of it?”

She shook her head, “No, but come to think of it, none of the stars he’s ever defeated in any of the murals have ever been explicitly named, none save for…Alderamin.”

“Alderamin?” the star snorted. “He told you he beat Alderamin? Did he do it with a straight face or was he crying?”

“Well he didn’t tell us himself, but the royal playwright who usually gets all of his content approved by and tailored to the royal family made a whole musical number and play depicting the ordeal…”

“Was it good?”

“The song was admittedly catchy, yes, but I don’t think it’s going to be a tune you should be eager to listen to.”

“Fair enough!” the star happily beamed to her confusion. “But you know, the more I think about it, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you just so happened to receive an invite the moment I entered your life, do you? I mean the invitation did say that they were looking forward to seeing you and your guest, as in singular and not ‘you and your family’ or ‘you and your guests.’ They’re expecting you to bring someone in particular Asha, and I have a feeling that if you don’t, they’re not going to take too kindly to my absence.”

 Great. So she was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t. What was she going to do?! At the rate at which things were going, she’d be lucky if the king banished her before the yearly storms rolled in!

But come to think of it, the star did have a point… The timing was oddly strange as was the wording… The singularity of ‘guest’ did imply specificity. A specificity that most likely was the result of the royal family’s suspicion rearing its terrible head… She hadn’t known just when, how or why they’d put the puzzle together to figure out something was amiss with Cepheus, but now she was more certain than ever that this wouldn’t end well for anyone, excluding the royal family of course.

[aboutcustardcreams]

There can't be a Universe without the Doctor

summary: The Doctor should know better than shutting the people she loves out, thinking they would do nothing about it.

word count: 3200 ish

Nothing but pure fluff, again. Sorry not sorry. Also, did I reread? Course not throws custard creams as apology

The Doctor was one of the best persons you’ve ever met. Kind, courageous and incredibly funny. She was everything you’ve always dreamed to be. The way she responded to the distress calls, without ever holding back, inspired you to be the best version of yourself. You hadn’t always been so brave, nor curious about life. That’s probably one of the best gifts she could give you. Bring out the best of you, the curiosity and the will to help those in need. 

The Doctor was the universe, the galaxies and the stars. The very essence of life. She showed you the impossible, and you fell in love with it. With her. How could you not? At first you thought it was the things she showed you. The wonders of a lifetime, that otherwise you’d have never seen by yourself nor ever known about. A part of you knew you could never go back to the life you had, after seeing and experiencing so much. After getting to know her, the Time Lady who held all the stars in the universe like a bouquet of flowers to you. Who could ever top that? 

With time, you realized the real thing you couldn’t do without. It wasn’t the journeys, the views nor the variety of species from all over the universe. It was her, the Doctor. Your Doctor. When her fingers casually clasped with yours and her eyes shone with their own light, your smile reached up your ears, to her enthusiasm and optimism, to her way to love life. To (hopefully) love you. 

You were nineteen when you first joined her on the TARDIS, now twenty four. You had changed so much after that and the Doctor saw all of it. Yaz did too. She was so incredibly proud of the woman you had become,  no longer a shy little girl, too afraid to stand up for herself or for anyone else (not that it was bad, mind). Now– oh now, there was a fire in your eyes. Warm, welcoming, and so beautiful. The Doctor couldn’t help but feel lured in. 

You had the Doctor wrapped around your little finger. Yaz was good at reading her best friend, she knew her more than anyone else. The Doctor could deny it to herself, to Yaz, to you, it didn’t matter, neither did it change the fact that she loved you in a way that went beyond the concept of friendship and family. Maybe it was the reason why lately she had been more cautious, both with you and Yaz. 

“I’ll be back in a jiffy, you stay right here,” she didn’t even wait for you to answer, probably sure both of you would have something to say about it. You always had. 

You merely rolled your eyes at her behavior, really struggling to understand what all this sudden fuss was about. 

“We should come with you. You need back up,” Yaz insisted, arms crossed over her chest. 

The Doctor sighed, turned briefly towards her and shook her head. “There’s no need, truly. I got this. You should rest, have something to eat maybe. When was the last time you two had a proper meal?” She was rambling again, flying her hands in mid air to give emphasis to her speech. You didn’t want to eat, and neither did Yaz. Not when she was throwing herself to one of her impossible missions, playing the hero by herself.

“We can eat, after answering this distress call together,” you objected. 

It had become unbearable, the way she was shutting you out and so easily. You couldn’t hide the hurt in your eyes, despite the bitterness behind which you masked it quite well. Your voice always sounding firm and confident. You wanted her to see, to feel, that her behavior was hurting you, hurting Yaz. When her eyes landed on you, you spotted a hint of hesitation, mouth parting briefly only to close again and press in a firm line. Thinking. Overthinking. The frown on her forehead said so too. 

“We answered one together a couple of hours ago. Aren’t you tired? Last time I checked, humans needed to sleep ten hours per day, and you two are barely making three per night,” she reasoned, voice trembling a bit out of nervousness. Yaz gave you a worried glance, you briefly reciprocated. 

“First of all, it’s advisable to sleep between seven and eight hours per night, not ten,” she groaned, and you gave her a little grin, knowing way too well how she disliked being contradicted or corrected. “Secondly, we can’t really rest anyway knowing you wander off by yourself in search of trouble. So it’s not gonna work.”

The Doctor scoffed, indignant. “I don’t look for trouble myself,” she whined. “It’s not my fault the Universe basks in chaos on a daily basis.”

“Of course not,” Yaz muttered softly. “Look, we respect this is your life, answering distress calls, helping around. But we want to be part of it. We have been part of it for years now, and we want to continue on this path, with you. Not just every now and then.” 

You couldn’t agree more with Yaz’s words, even if you tried. Deep down you knew the Doctor agreed to. That’s all she ever wanted, to keep you with her, all over the Universe, but sometimes the Doctor was also scared. Most of the time, she simply hid it well. The Universe was as beautiful as dangerous. And the thought of something happening, something irreversible, cruel and very much likely to happen paralyzed her with fear. 

She sighed and nibbled on her bottom lip, leaning against the panel of the TARDIS. Your features softened; she looked tired, and she probably was. She hardly took care of herself, even less let others do that for her. And it was unnerving, because you wanted your relationship to be between equals. You wanted to help, protect her, be there for her as much as she was there for you, both you and Yaz. 

You take a step forward, reaching up to her. Tilting your head to the side, you run up a hand to her face. You hesitate a second before allowing yourself to brush aside a lock of blond hair behind her ear. The Doctor felt her cheeks heating up. Closed her eyes for a second, counted to three, before muttering your name softly. 

You smiled, “we are not letting you go by yourself. Last time I checked Yaz and I moved here to stay,” you spoke with unwavering conviction. “I don’t care how dangerous it is. That never stopped us before and it certainly won’t start now.”

The Doctor exhaled, and slowly looked up at you, with pleading eyes. Those  hazel orbs were so beautiful, so expressive, each and every time you found yourself diving in so easily.

“You don’t understand,” the Doctor muttered. 

When you frowned, she let out a groan and her features dimmed in thought. 

“Except that we do,” Yaz insisted, reaching up to the two of you.

“We’ve been traveling with you for how long now?” You questioned. “Five years for me, and eight for Yaz. Maybe nine?”

She mouthed eight and a half. The Doctor groaned again, slightly pinching the root of her nose and withdrawing from the panel of a couple of steps. She knew you were right, that both you and Yaz were perfectly capable of taking care of each other, (maybe too much), but the Doctor was still terrified. She couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her she was pushing her luck. Perhaps it was because it had been that long, that she feared something was doomed to happen any moment now. 

The Universe had been kind to her. It allowed her to meet the best persons ever. Having someone like you and Yaz by her side for so long, determined not to let go meant more than any star in the Universe. That’s why she needed to preserve it, for as long as possible. Nothing with her lasted forever. And the idea of losing you to one of her reckless travels saving the universe, was way too painful, too unfair to accept. The Doctor felt something change within her hearts the moment she started believing she would disrupt the balance of space and time if that meant keeping both you and Yaz with her. 

“Y/n, please–”, her voice sounded like a plea. “Just this once. Let me do this my way.”

You hushed her softly, with a gentleness she thought she didn’t deserve. She closed her eyes as you took another step closer to her, reducing the gap she had put between you and her. Her nostrils filled up with your smell, and she found herself inhaling deeply, and closing her eyes while doing so.

You slowly blinked at her, to keep your own emotion at bay, as much as possible. “I know you want to protect us from whatever it is out there, but can’t you see we want to do the exact same?” Your voice came out in a faint whisper. 

She nodded quietly, but still objected, “I can take care of myself, though.”

You tilted your head to the side, snorting playfully, “Sometimes, I guess that’s true. But you tend to be reckless, way too much for my liking.”

If that was a confession of love, and it was, the Doctor wouldn’t know. Or perhaps she would pretend she didn’t, however it was crystal clear. There were many ways to say I love yous to someone and that was definitely one of them. 

“Or mine,” Yaz added, a playful smirk curving her lips.

She puffed up her cheeks childishly, “I can be reckless, thank you very much. Little tougher than you, me. Different biology. Haven’t decided that myself.” 

You can’t help but laugh at that. It’s a soft, small laugh that for a moment helps ease the tension in the TARDIS. She was right about that, yet it didn’t mean you were willing to risk her life more than you’d risk yours or Yaz’s. 

“So sweet of you, laughing at me,” she teased. 

You promptly shook your head as your giggles died down. “I wouldn’t dare. You know that.” 

Yaz glanced at her, while her eyes were still fondly locked with yours. She placed a hand upon the Doctor’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit. “Remember when you once said to me, we are capable of the most incredible change, that we can inspire people, make the difference, no matter what we are, humans, Time Lords, whatever,” Yaz trailed off, and the Doctor blinked off some tears that were glistening in her eyes, “I clung to that. Made it my mission. So did she,” she eyed you and you promptly nodded. 

You interjected before she could protest any further. 

“I found a purpose in life, ya know,” her eyes turned back to you. You spotted her nose scrunching up a bit, as a veil of nostalgia flashed through your eyes. “And that’s thanks to you. I was nobody before I met you…” you add, making the Doctor immediately frown at your words. Ready to interject, you raise your hand in the air, begging her with your eyes to listen before saying anything else. You laid that same hand upon her chest, smiling at the sound of her heartbeats thumping against your palm. Soothing, yet electrifying. 

You take in a soft breath, then smiled, “I was nobody the Universe could rely on. But now I am. I may be just a human, but I’m giving my life a purpose by helping those in distress. Helping you, helping them. And that’s… priceless.”   

“And you’re both doing an incredible job, alright,” the Doctor reaches out to cup your cheek tenderly, voice shaking a bit, fingers too. She was proud of you, and she wished both of you knew just how much. If only you could see yourself through her eyes, you’d know all the things, all the rules, she would break to always guarantee the two of you your deserved happiness. 

“But that doesn’t mean that’s all you have to do, all the time," she breathed out. "Look, I appreciate you wanting to help, but I value your lives too much. So when I can do something about it, I will not endanger you. There can’t be a universe without you. Under no circumstances.” 

You nodded and took a step back, as if her words had somehow affected you. Or so she thought. She frowned, concerning veiling her features, when you fell quiet, thinking about the fact that there couldn’t be a Universe without the Doctor. It was more like it.  She was hope, she was life. What’s the point of everything without such things? Without someone ready to give herself to guarantee that? 

“Are you alright?” She asked you, eyes squinting a bit in concern. You nodded your head, however, still thinking. 

Maybe that was your real purpose. Always making sure the Doctor could help those in need, by protecting her, having her back, for as long as possible. 

You gave her a reassuring smile, when the Doctor's features didn't relax at your non verbal response. She didn't like those, you knew that. “I’m fine, Doc. Just thinking. Got that from you," you teased lightly. 

The Time lady seemed to relax at your playful tone. She shook her head in amusement, then turned to Yaz as she spoke, “can you tell us at least what you will be facing?” 

The Doctor winced. “Ah, you know–” she hid her hands in her pockets, swinging a bit, trying to master a response that would not freak out the two of you. “A tribe of… wild humans. Let’s put it like that. Still on Earth, though. Papua New Guinea, it should be. Funny name, isn’t it? Always struggled to pronounce it for some reason.”

She and her diversions.

“Tribe?”

“Wild humans?”

Both you and Yaz scrunched up your face almost simultaneously. 

The Doctor nodded.  “Also known as – flesh eaters.”

“Oh God–” Yaz muttered, eyes widening at the idea passing through her mind, “are you talking about zombies?” She half yelled. 

The Doctor looked at her as if she was going mad. “What? Nooo. Although they look like them,” a nervous chuckle came out of her. Despite the small reassurance of those not being zombies, the alternative didn’t seem much better. “There’s not such a thing as zombies. That's a plain fantasy of the human’s mind.”

“You can’t really blame us, considering what we have seen during these years. I could very well believe unicorns are a thing,” you said. 

“Well, you’d be right. They are real. Super real,” she glanced at you with the most serious expression she could master. Now it was your turn to open your mouth in disbelief. “Very feisty, I must say. Encountered one once, tried to ride it. Didn’t go well. Almost got stabbed in the side,” she winced at the memory and so did you. 

Yaz mouthed a fleebile ‘sorry’ in response to that, but she waved her hand as if it was nothing. 

“Just so to be clear, are we talking about cannibals?”

"Yep!" The doctor nodded with a hesitant smile upon her face. She nudged at your arm, noticing how nervous and stiff you’d become. Always worrying about her. “They aren’t very smart, though, so it’s gonna be a piece of cake. All I need to do is enter their camp, save those that had been captured, and go back, easy peasy.” 

“Doesn’t look easy peasy,” you quickly retorted. “Not without a proper backup or a plan...”

The Doctor started nibbling on her bottom lip, as clear sign that no, she didn't have one. A plan. She hardly ever had one. 

“What if they capture you too?” Yaz insisted. 

“Well, that would be inconvenient, wouldn’t it?” She half joked. That was a possibility you were not willing to take. You shook your head and snorted, then moved towards the panel of the TARDIS, taking a look at the surrounding area. The Doctor followed you with her gaze, frowning as she tried to understand what you were thinking about. You learned how to use the spaceship, both you and Yaz did. So you pushed a couple of buttons to figure how many cannibals were out there and how close to the TARDIS. 

You scrunched up your face at all the red dots appearing over the screen, one by one, eyes widening at the sight. “You gotta be kidding me,” you muttered under your breath. When you turn around to face the Doctor, she can tell you're not exactly pleased with her. “You wanted to face all of these beasts by yourself?” You almost yelled in disbelief. 

"I... er.. I mean," her hearts rate picked up. 

In the meantime, Yaz drew closer to check the screens herself. "Doctor, are you suicidal?"

“Of course I am not,” she argued back. You wish you could shorten the distance between you and her and smooch that adorable crease on her forehead that formed every time the Doctor would whine like a baby. "I love this body!" 

You arched an eyebrow at that, mockingly just for the fun of it, "You don’t say.” 

She stuck her tongue out at you, making you giggle. 

“We are doing this together, or we are not doing this at all,” Yaz announced categorically, hands on her hips. 

The Doctor lolled her head backwards and let out a grunt. “Fine,” she hissed, refusing to look at you, nor Yaz, “Fine,” she repeated it more calmly, softly and faking a smile. 

You took a sigh of relief and so did Yaz. She draped an arm over your shoulder with a satisfied grin. 

“But if you two end up in trouble, I’ll be very cross.” 

“Fair enough,” said Yaz. 

“We have a duty of care, you know.”

The Time Lady’s hearts hammered in her chest when you said that.

“You said there can’t be a universe without me and Yaz, well, I think there can’t be a universe without the Doctor.”

The Time Lady felt overwhelmed. She stared at the two of you with nothing but pure gratitude and love. When you playfully nudged at her, in the hope to help her soothe her nerves, her lips twitched in an amused smile, despite everything. She rolled her eyes at you, “Oi! You can’t steal my lines. Pretty sure it’s cheating.” 

You chuckled, moving towards the TARDIS’ door, along with Yaz by your side. 

“I’ll make up with you,” you promised, walking backwards so that you could still take in her features.

“Are ya coming or not?”

She sighed, slightly shaking her head. “Course I am,” she grumbled. 

“You two stay close,” she warned, voice firm, eyes soft. 

“Always,” Yaz promised. 

“Cross my heart,” you echoed, vowing to never lose sight of her.

[teyamloak]

It’s you part 2

↳ conrad x y/n!

warning: Conrad is 18 y/n is 16, cursing, smut

✩ synopsis: y/n finds out that Conrad has a girlfriend, she tries to not think about it but Conrad makes it very difficult.

✩ note: omg y’all loved the first part so here is the second part sorry it took so long to right !!!

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

the first people that came back were my brother and Jeremiah. They had come back when Conrad was in the middle of cleaning my face and while we were making out.

I looked crazy, even though Conrad was incessant I looked beautiful. We heard the door open and Conrad quickly left the bathroom, leaving me alone.

I understand why he left, he didn’t want to be seen with Steven’s little brother, and he didn’t want to be seen with a little girl, it had hurt but it was understandable.

“Conrad you missed everything, this girl was trying to fuck me in the middle of the party, and guess who was at the party….the girl you’ve been talking about since summer started, like gang she was talking about you and everything, she said to tell you she missed you,” Jeremiah said rambling on and on

could he ever shut up..wait the girl that he’s been talking about since summer started. there’s no way there’s another girl. Plus she missed him, have they went out, kissed, or even fucked?

“who, katy?” Conrad said with a laugh “She’s obsessed over me and I’ve been talking about how weird she is, don’t make it sound like I want her.”

I think he noticed that I was standing on the door frame of the bathroom waiting to see what he would say.

was he lying, why would Conrad lie though

“I’m not making it seem like nothing, you literally told me yesterday how you missed being with her, stop lying”

Oh wow, oh wow. Was I just a distraction, was he thinking of her when I was jerking him off

I started to walk up the stairs when Steven stopped me

“you look different” “I just washed my face, kid” “No you did something, what did you do” “Nothing get off of me” Steven grabbed my arm and forced me to stay right in front of him and look him in the eye.

could he tell what had happened? “yo Conrad did this little girl go anywhere today?” “no we were just watching a movie, she was safe with me”

I was definitely safe with him and he definitely took care of me but he didn’t know how well he took care of me.

“you look funny today y/n” “Wym weird” “idk like you did something you weren’t supposed to” 

Conrad started to laugh and I mean he laughed so hard that I even started to laugh.

“y’all are being weird, what did y’all do” Steven was starting to get mad like he knew I jerked him off or something. “Steven stop you’re doing the most for obviously nothing.”

“yeah maybe you’re right Conrad i think I drank too much,” he said putting his hand on his head like he had a headache, Jeremiah stayed silent this whole time just looking at me like he knew.

fuck did he know? he couldn’t have, Conrad had cleaned me well.

“I’m going to bed my head hurts too much to be talking this much” and with that, he was off he went upstairs and I heard the door close, hard.

but Jeremiah stood where he has been since he got back, standing in the hallway just looking at us.

“no way Conrad, I can’t believe you, she’s a fucking kid. Are you kidding me right now?”

if steven wasn’t here he would probably be screaming right now, I could tell he was mad like really fucking mad.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” conrad said getting up from the floor. i was still standing near the bathroom.

“you fucked here didn’t you?” “what tf are you talking about,” Conrad said yelling, conrad was pissed I’d never seen him so mad before.

Steven was so drunk that he didn’t even hear Conrad yelling.

“look at her” and then he grabbed me and yanked me in front of him and grabbed my face showing me off. “she has a glow that all comes from losing your virginity, so tell me right now Conrad did you fuck her”

“no you dumbass I would never touch her, she’s a kid.” “Are you sure Conrad, don’t lie to me, please Conrad don’t lie to me about this, not this” he sounded so serious and sad like he was going to cry.

“I’m not bro she’s a kid, relax” Wow I’m just a kid, after what I did to him I’m still just a kid to him.

Jeremiah was still holding onto my face with a hard grip but let go after what Conrad told him. “shit man I think I’m drunk or something, just like Steven. I'm sorry y/n”

“It’s…okay Jeremiah you’re just drunk I understand, go to bed I’ll meet you up there in a bit” And with that, he was groaning and going up the stairs. As soon as I heard his door closed I stepped towards Conrad. “so a kid, good to know” I said sarcastically, “y/n you know I only said that to get him off my back, you know nobody can find out what happened.”

Conrad stepped closer to me and grabbed a piece of my brownish-black hair. “you’re beautiful, do you know that you’re so pretty, god you’re so pretty.” I loved this, he was being nice to me and telling me what I wanted and needed to hear but I still was upset. why was I upset, because of the fact that Conrad wants to keep us a secret?

since Conrad was taller than me I had to look up at him, and that also meant I had to lean up to kiss him.

I went in for the kiss but believe it or not he backed up.

“wtf Conrad” “Tiny stop I just told u nobody can know about us” “So you won’t even kiss me now, jermiah is in his room and Steven is in his room too so why can’t you kiss me?” “believe me i want to kiss you but we just can’t right now”

I didn't understand but I tried for him, I did a lot of things for him.

“Okay Conrad then I’m going to sleep.” he doesn’t say anything until I’m going up the stairs “Don’t be mad at me y/n, if you’re mad at me I’ll be up all night thinking about how I made you upset.”

that was cute, he cared about my feelings so much that he would keep himself up and think about them.

but I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know what to say so i just went upstairs and took a cold shower.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

waking up at cousins was always that best it was so different than when I was back home.

As soon as I woke up there was breakfast and people to talk to, while at my house it was completely different. My mom was always busy with her word and Steven was busy with school, he was a try-hard in that deportment.

I was always stuck, I never knew what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do when I grew up, nothing was for certain and nothing had ever stayed the same, the only two things that stayed the same were cousins and the way I loved Conrad.

I’ve loved Conrad since I was a kid I would always want to follow him and always wanted to be with him. It was never anyone else, only him it was never Cam Carmen or Jeremiah it was only ever Conrad.

And now that I knew he felt the same way I did I finally felt like I did something right.

my hair was messy and I was hot so the only right thing to do was go and take a shower. I stayed in there for a little while to shave everything, I needed to be prepared.

walking down the stairs and being met with food is the best thing.

“you’re up early,” I told my mother, she was never a morning person, and seeing her up at 6 am made me feel weird. “my head hurts it’s killing me” My mom never really went out but when she did she would became crazy.

“how much did you drink?” “Not that much, I hated that party. Susanna loved it but it was so boring there was nothing else to do but drink.”

I started to walk away because when my mom was like this she would keep on talking no matter what but then she said “Did Conrad treat you well last night?” i quickly turned around “what do you mean?” “did y’all do anything, or did he bring over his girlfriend”

girlfriend? she must be crazy. Conrad didn’t have a girlfriend. The girl from the party that Steven was talking about, was she talking about her?

“he has a girlfriend?” I said quietly like it was something I should never say “Yeah Susanna wanted to tell you, she knows you like him and everything but she says they’ve been dating for 3 years now”

3 YEARS THERE IS NO WAY.

“I don’t think that’s true, Mom” my mom laughed like she actually laughed in my face “Baby I’m sorry but he’s too old for you anyways”

ok Mom, thanks for that. like wow, I can’t believe this.

I couldn’t continue with this conversation so I simply left I went upstairs and grabbed my new bath suit that Tyler got me.

it was hot pink and a thong bathing suit, something I would never wear in my life but right now felt like the perfect time to wear it.

I was pissed how could he have been in a relationship for 3 years and let me do what I did to him. that wasn’t fair to me. it wasn’t fair to anyone.

I had to swim it was the only thing I could do.

I went straight for the beach not caring that my mom was hungover or that it was 6 in the morning.

I was calmer when I felt the sand on my toes, I was calmer when I smelt the seawater.

I dropped my things and I went to go swimming.

the water was cold but at that moment that didn’t matter. I felt alive once I hit the water it felt like my skin was alive and I could breathe again, I could cry because nobody would know I was crying because of the water sorrowing me.

I closed my eyes and just let the water take over my body.

“you look like you’re dead it’s kinda creepy” That was the first thing I heard before I felt arms grab my leg but I instantly knew who it was.

Jeremiah was there next to me, with his prominent blue eyes.

those blue eyes were the first things you saw that were exactly like his dad's. He was different than Conrad, a good different in some ways a better different.

“When you’re swimming it looks like the only thing you can think about is the water” “You’re beautiful y/n do you know that”

Jeremiah has always said I was beautiful and I never took it like I would if Conrad said it but for some reason today I did. his words made my heart beat it was weird.

“you always say I'm beautiful” “Because it’s true you’ve always been beautiful” “Even with my glasses?” I was playing with him “Even with your cute pink glasses.”

at this moment my mind wasn’t on Conrad my mind was on Jeremiah. Today was about Jeremiah.

“do you remember what happened yesterday?” his face fell white like he wanted to forget what had happened last night and wanted me to not say anything about it “Yeah I do, I’m really sorry about grabbing you like that, I was jealous I don’t know why I was jealous but you looked so happy at that moment and I thought he took something that is supposed to be mine”

truthfully I didn’t understand him, what was he talking about?

“Does he have a gf?” I flat out asked him what I needed to know “Yeah y/n, I thought he told u” “Was she the girl that Steven was talking about?” “yea that’s her, she was pissed that he didn’t come but he’s making it up to her right now” “what do you mean” “I mean he is probably eating her out as we speak”

WHAT TF FUCKKKKKK

“Ewwww Jeremiah that’s not funny that’s so weird” “I’m not laughing little girl us Fisher men love to eat the cat it’s something we all love to do”

“you’re literally disgusting I’m leaving” and I started to walk to the sand but Jeremiah stopped me

“what tf fuck are you wearing?” he was mad he was holding me very tight and was pissed “A bathing suit do you like it?” i said innocently. “you’re crazy y/n go home and change” “what are you talking about in not going to change.”

“Why would she change she looks good, it’s a little out there but she looks good”

Conrad. It was Conrad, why was he here?

I turned to look at him but Jeremiah held me even tighter pulled me to his chest and turned us so his back was towards Conrad.

“yo bro go get her a towel” and that’s what Conrad did he went toward my stuff and got my pink towel he handed it to Jermiah and Jermiah put it on me making sure to cover everything.

Conrad never took his eyes off of me he was only looking at me, nothing else.

“that’s much better don't you think Conny?” “She looked good both times.”

I griped myself away from Jeremiah’s hold and started to walk towards the beach house, ignoring Conrad completely. It was hard to ignore him but i did.

I was mad at him because he had a girlfriend and didn’t tell me but I was also mad at him because he didn’t get jealous or mad about the bikini I was wearing, Jeremiah did but it was just Jeremiah.

☆═━┈┈━═☆

my attempt at making Conrad jealous had failed miserably. I was now alone at the beach homes once again, but this time I was completely alone no Conrad and no movie the three boys had gone to a party. nobody had bothered to invite me. They just automatically assumed that I didn’t want to go. I was sad seeing Conrad get ready and go but he didn’t even look my way, it was as if he didn’t care that I was there or he just didn’t notice.

my mom and Susanna went to a nightclub so that my mom could interview people for her job and Susanna being Susanna followed along. They were always together. It was kind of cute. 

I was alone in my own long, red T-shirt and my boxers. I didn’t have food and I didn’t have a movie to watch. The boys said that they wouldn’t be back until late at night. It was currently 11 in the night.

I was slowly drifting to sleep until I heard a bang. The door was opening, but I heard no one. I was too tired to go check on it I imagined it was one of the boys coming in quietly to not disturb my sleep, but I didn’t go check

my eyes started to close going back to my sleep, but then I heard my door opening. I didn’t bother to look up and see who opened my door. I just imagined it was Stephen checking in on me and seeing if I was asleep and simply leaving, I heard the door close, and then I relaxed 

I felt like someone was watching me like someone was literally right next to me to stop myself from thinking bad thoughts I decided to finally open my eyes and checked. I turned over to my right side and I saw Conrad standing there just looking at me 

“ fuck I didn’t know you were awake” “ I wasn’t, but you woke me up” “You look so hot right now sleeping like that it was so hot” “Do you think I look hot when I sleep?” he was acting weird and he was obviously drunk so I didn’t take his words seriously he probably wouldn’t even remember what he had said to me when he woke up the next morning.

“do you know how hard it has been for me to not grab you and kiss you and make everybody know that you’re mine especially Jeremiah” “Do you know he actually thinks he’s entitled to your feelings he thinks that he should be the one to take your virginity. It’s kind of funny.”

take my virginity what was he talking about? He’s really drunk.

“Our mom always thought that I would marry you or at least one of us would marry you, but she thought that I would she wanted me to be your first kiss. She wanted me to be your first time and she wanted me to get married to you she told me and I started to laugh because I never imagined that you would ever look at me like that. I think I was just oblivious to the way you looked at me or the way you acted around me because of how old you were it only makes sense for you to be with Jeremiah since you guys are almost the same age”

“but Conrad I’ve only ever wanted you I don’t care about our age and I don’t care that you’re older than me I’ve only ever had eyes for you. Suzanne has always been right.”

he was drunk, but he meant everything he said he looked at me like I was the only girl in the world that I was the most important thing to him that his universe was me, and that I was in his soul. I loved it nobody has ever looked at me like that, and I’ve never wanted anybody else to look at me like that just him, and he did he finally noticed me he finally decided to acknowledge the way that he felt for me.

He had hidden all this time, his feelings for me because of our age but in all reality, my age does not matter.

“y/n if we do this, you can’t tell anyone not even Tyler, nobody.” “I didn’t tell Tyler about what we did” “This will be worse, it will be your first time.”

“I thought you wanted to wait?” “I’ve changed my mind, Jeremiah has been getting overprotective over you and I hate it.”

while Conrad was talking to me I got up and sat on my bed. Once Conrad was finished with what he was saying he had gotten on his knees.

“I’m going to need you to relax,” he says this roughly insisting on an answer “Um alright” that gave him permission to do what he was about to do 

he then decided to pull down the boxes that I was wearing making my pussy slightly exposed to him since my big T-shirt was almost fully covering it.

“i’m going to lift your T-shirt up is that okay?” I love how he asked me for permission before doing anything. It made me feel like I had a say in what happened and I was involved. 

“yeah you can” That was all he needed to pull up my T-shirt, fully exposing my pussy

he spread my legs open to see everything better his hands were cold but it made everything even better.

“have you ever touched yourself?” he looked into my eyes and it made me feel like he saw the real me the me that was totally and utterly in love with him.

“no,” I said, spitting out my words

that seemed to make him happy since he went back to looking at my pussy.

he decided to finally touch me. he slid his fingers up and down my folds stopping at my clit.

I had never felt this, it was a new feeling, and I loved it.

“god y/n you’re so wet it’s good to be so easy to slip inside of you”

I had put my head down after he said this I was embarrassed I was soaked only because of him touching me a little bit.

I wasn’t experienced like Conrad was a new Connor because he had lots of ex-girlfriends

Me on the other hand. I wasn’t experienced. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and my first kiss was with Jeremiah, playing truth or dare. 

“ what happened are you okay? Do you want me to stop?” “noooo, it’s just i’m embarrassed” I softly spoke, ashamed of what I was saying 

“why tf are you embarrassed, you’re beautiful, and plus” he stopped midsentence placing his finger inside of his mouth, the finger that he slid across my folds. he started to suck on his own finger tasting me. 

“you taste so fucking good, god y/n i need more, please can I?” he begged he was desperate it was like he was a virgin that never tasted pussy before

I nodded, because that was the only thing that I could do for the first time in my life I couldn’t speak. 

that’s all he needed for him to pull me towards the edge of the bed he put his arms between my legs and pulled me. I hadn’t noticed how big Conrad had gotten over the summer. He got hotter if that was even possible. 

I was lost in my head for a minute but I quickly came back into reality once I felt him lick my clit

“omg, what the-” I couldn’t say anything else because Conrad had started to suck and bite on my clit.

I was moaning so I placed my hand over my mouth to silence my moans.

but he stopped when i did so “wtf are you doing y/n are you stupid?” normally I would’ve gotten mad and hurt by the choice of words but right I loved how he talked to me.

“I’m sorry, I don’t anyone to hear” That was dumb to say since nobody was here but I still said it

“I don’t fucking care y/n, try to silence your moans again and I’ll stop and never look your way again” he was mad, it was so hot

I only stared at him, I couldn’t say anything

“do you understand y/n” he slightly yelled

“yes Conrad I understand” “Good baby”

he cut the eye contact and went back in between my legs

he started to eat me out, he slid his tongue inside me desperate to taste me completely

I couldn’t stay still so I started to rock my hips against his face.

it seemed like I was doing something right because he started to go faster.

my stomach felt weird, it felt like I needed to pee. What wtf was this, what was he doing to me?

it was like he had noticed and stopped what he was doing and got up from his knees.

“why did you stop???” I was desperate to have the feeling again, I had lost it when he stopped and I needed it back

“you’re about to cum and I’m letting you cum unless it’s on my dick”

he starts to undo his jeans and pull out his thick dick, I’ve missed it.

he pulls down his pants and his black Tommy Hilfiger boxers with them.

his dick was rock hard he loved this as much as I did, pre cum was on his tip. I was ready to taste it.

I’m staring at his dick it’s so beautiful.

“you look so beautiful right now” he was looking deeply into my eyes.

“I need to feel you my love so be quiet and try not to scream” his hands were going up and down his dick almost jerking himself on

he comes closer to me and decides to spread my legs wider, he positions himself so he is near my entrance.

“Breathe, and look at my eyes” and that’s what I did i was looking at his eyes and he was looking at me.

he pushed himself into me and I felt like I was on fire, it hurt like hell and I tried to run away but he grabbed my waist and pushed me down so I couldn’t move

he wasn’t completely in me but since he was so thick it hurt even more.

he was thrusting in me so hard that it hurt like hell

he once told me he would be soft with me but right now he is mean and hard and I enjoy it.

The reality of Conrad was that he was sometimes a mean person. He was sometimes selfish, and he was sometimes bold, and you could definitely tell just now that he was bold.

Conrad kept going, despite me trying to move away “Don’t run away from me y/n” he meant this, he wanted me to Indore the satisfaction that he gave me.

He started to go deeper since we were in a good position he could go deep ass hell

“Conrad that hurts you’re going too deep” That seemed to make him happy because he pushed himself all the way in.

“How long have you wanted this?” “Wh-what?”

This was weird why was he asking this while I was in so much pain from him being so deep in me”

“How fucking long have you wanted me to fuck you like this” “A really long time Conrad I’ve always wanted it to be you”

Seeing his reaction made me happy his whole face changed he was back to a stone-cold face and he started to move faster.

He was going so fast so suddenly that I couldn’t even tell him to stop or to try to move away.

“God you look so sexy” With that he pulls out his phone

Why did he suddenly take out his phone?

“Y/n I need you to trust me, let me record this I don’t know when we will fuck again let me save this moment forever.”

I didn’t know what to say I didn’t mind him recording I trusted him so I said yes

With that, he pressed record and started to go crazy

Trusting me like he was mad, luckily it started to feel good since he was completely inside of me

I feel so full god he was so good.

“Look at the camera y/n, tell Jeremiah how good I feel inside of you” “She’s even bleeding jer I can’t believe you ever thought she would be yours”

“Y/n tell her how good I feel baby”

I was thrown off guard completely but if I said nothing it would be a lie and if I said no it would also be a lie.

“You feel so good Conrad” I moaned

Once he got the response that he wanted, he put his phone down and started to go hard.

He was fucking me so hard, I was close and I knew he was too

I felt like I needed to pee 

“Conrad stop I need to pee stop” I was moving away from him again I felt like I needed to release

He looked at me with so much lust and power and said “Let go, do it”

And so I did, I let out a big ass moan and I started to squirt

I’ve never had an organism especially not squirting.

It felt so good tho I felt free it was so weird.

With this Conrad started to slow down and get sloppy with his trust I felt him twitch inside of me and then he nutted inside of me

I felt like I had just won in life I felt so warm

“God y/n I never knew wouldn’t thought you were a squirter, that’s was so hot”

Then he kissed my forehead which felt so nice, it felt like he truly cared for me and only me.

And he kissed my forehead he moved from on top of me and started to get comfortable to go to bed.

I felt so happy that he wasn’t leaving and was sleeping with me. We were both naked and in bed together after we had sex.

I felt amazing and I felt so happy that it was my first time.

After a bit of time Conrad started to snore softly which made me know he was sleeping.

Since nobody was home I decided to go to the bathroom naked.

It was dark so I grabbed my phone to turn on the flashlight

After I was done peeing and cleaning myself I opened my door and I almost shit myself

Jeremiah was at the fucking bathroom door looking mad asf.

“I can’t believe you fucked him y/n” and he just walked away

How did he know, he was just at the party I checked that nobody was there.

How did he know???

Hi Yall I’m so sry this took so long, I’ve been mad busy with school. I hope y’all enjoy this and plz tell me what y’all think.

[writingonleaves]

things you never said (things you'll never say to me) - nico hischier

pairing: nico hischier x original female character

warnings: swearing, sadness, angst, not my traditional fluff folks, very little dialogue, kinda a ramble disguised into a piece lol, google translated german, projection?? is that a valid warning

inspired by + title: "things i wish you said" by sabrina carpenter

word count: 2.8k

author's note: got into my feels randomly for this (incredible) song and decided to write something with it. also a part of @wyattjohnston 's lowkey loverfest 2k24!! hope you all enjoy this melancholy ride and please let me know what you think <3

*****

Nico Hischier has always been a leader. 

You ask anyone in Naters or Bern who knew him growing up and they would say the same thing — he’s a polite, young boy with so much talent and a sensible mind. He may be the youngest of three, but everyone’s always turned to Nico for guidance. With a calming voice paired with a warm smile, it’s rare for Nico to steer anyone wrong. 

And he sees it in himself too. Even when he was a rookie, when the C stitched into his jersey was only a blurred dream, he still felt like he had to lead by example. No one was expecting that of him, he knows that now, but he was a first overall pick, the weight of a losing team’s hopes on his shoulders. If he crumbled, those supporters’ hopes fell with him. His own hope would fall with him. 

It took a few years, a pandemic, another first overall pick, a shit ton of roster changes, a new coach and other things to walk into a locker room that wasn’t used to losing. And Nico prides himself as being a leader in that transition. C on his jersey or not, he would’ve done it. Because he doesn’t know how not to.

Leanna always said he didn’t know how to turn it off. 

When Nico had first met Leanna Spritz, it honestly was one of the worst first impressions he’s ever given. It was the morning after a brutal 6-1 loss against the fucking Flyers. The final score itself was bad, but the fact that it was against the Flyers rubbed more salt into the wound. He knew Lindy was gonna bag skate them all to hell and back the morning after and he just really wanted his cappuccino before to take away some of the bitterness. 

All up in his head, he had crashed literally into Leanna. Before they both could comprehend, her cold brew had spilled. Somehow, Nico got away with an unnoticeable splash on his hoodie and no spillage from his own drink. But Leanna wasn’t so lucky. Her brown sweater wasn’t dark enough to hide the fact that half of her cold brew was on it while the other spilled to the ground. 

“Fuck,” Nico had exclaimed, eyes widening and darting between her now coffee stained sweater, the empty cup on the ground and her red hair that only glistened with the sun rays. “Shit! I am so sorry. That’s totally my fault.”

Leanna had waved him away with a small chuckle as she dug into her purse for stray napkins. Far too nice for someone who now had coffee all over them because of him. “It’s okay. Mistakes happen.”

Nico looked at his watch and grimaced. Shit. He was going to be late to practice. And that would be even worse than usual with their horrible performance the night before. “Listen. I really want to buy you a coffee to make up for my clumsiness, but I’m gonna be late to work and-”

Leanna had nodded in understanding, lips quirked up. “Don’t worry about it. Promise. Go. Don’t be late for work.”

He had been so frazzled that all he remembered doing was blurting out another apology before practically running away, partially from embarrassment but also because he really did have to go. 

A week later, Nico went back to the coffee shop. In the back of his mind was the redhead who he still owed a coffee to. But Nico’s also realistic and he knew he’d probably never see her again. 

While he was patiently waiting in the long line, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He braced himself to interact with a fan, but turned around and was pleasantly surprised by who he did see. 

“I thought that was you,” she had said, pink beanie over her hair and a twinkle in her eye. “Not going to spill coffee again on me, are you? I’m wearing white today.”

Nico swallowed before his brain turned back on and he grinned. “Good eye. And no. I promise I’ll be less clumsy today. And I’m less in a rush.” They were next in line to order and he ordered first before turning to her. She had tried to deny him but he just raised an eyebrow until she gave the barista her order. 

“I’m really sorry again,” Nico said as they had shuffled out of line to wait for their drinks. “I hope the sweater didn’t stain.”

Leanna waved him off with her bright smile. “That sweater has been through too much for some coffee to ruin it. You don’t need to worry, Captain.”

Nico had been shocked that she knew who he was, which, in hindsight, is dumb. He’s not Jack, but he gets recognized a good amount around New Jersey still.

He cleared his throat. “Nico is fine.”

She smiled. “Okay, Nico. Well, I’m Leanna. Thank you for paying for my coffee. You didn’t have to, by the way, especially to clear your conscience.”

“That’s not why-well, it is. But I also, uh, are you in a rush?”

Nico remembers that day so well still, his English failing him despite living in North America for over five years as he basically asked Leanna on their first date right there and then. He remembers being thankful that she took some pity on him with her sweet smile and led them to a table. He probably would’ve stood there stuttering like a fool if she didn’t cut in.

“Nico?”

Nico blinks himself out of his memories as Jack walks into his living room. Sometimes he questions if he should’ve given Jack a key. 

“Hey. What’s up?”

“We have skate,” Jack gives him a look. “Dude, take a shower. Quickly. Or we’ll be late.”

“Right,” Nico says, stumbling over to the shower. As the water’s warming up, his eyes stop at a purple bottle tucked in the corner of the sink. Hair oil. Leanna always joked that she couldn’t live without it. His hands twitch to reach for the bottle just so he can smell the grapefruit scent, but he forces himself into the shower instead. 

He can hear Nina’s voice so clearly. Throw it away, she’d say in their mother-tongue that realistically Nico will never not be fluent in but sometimes is scared will slip away. Nina liked Leanna a lot, actually, the one time they met when she came to Jersey to visit last year. But Nina is also Nico’s sister, and cursed her name many times when Nico called her crying, waking her up in the middle of the night. She had stayed on the phone with him for three hours, letting him cry.

He forces himself to take a shower. To wake up a bit and shift his focus to the upcoming skate and game tonight. They’re playing the Rangers, which is just always a grind. He needs to be all in.

Nico keeps to himself while getting ready for practice, putting on his gear quietly while his teammates chatter about something or another around him. He speaks quickly to the equipment team about his skates and smiles in thanks. He catches a whiff of the perfume of their head of PR as she walks past in the hallway, and Nico swallows. 

Realistically, he knows it’s not the same one. But it’s floral and smells like jasmine, so it might as well be. 

As he’s driving home, he has the radio down low. He was never the one to fuss about putting his music on in the car. Because the world just works like that, a song that he doesn’t know the title to comes on. He hums along, because Leanna always played this song.

Instinctively, his fingers twitch to reach out to someone who won’t ever be in his passenger seat ever again. He can hear her voice, her thigh under his palm. It’s not safe to drive with one hand, she’d say with an amused laugh interlaced in her voice. He would always roll his eyes before giving her thigh a squeeze and keeping his hand there for the majority of their journey. 

He remembers that sentence bringing him comfort when they were driving to her sister’s house in upstate New York. He was scared shitless to meet her whole family for the first time to celebrate her cousin’s birthday. It was below freezing point outside, but his hands were so clammy that one would’ve thought it was summer. 

Leanna had put her hand in his hair at the nape of his neck. He had immediately calmed down. 

He swears if he focuses hard enough he can still smell the green tea shampoo Leanna used. It was always interesting to him, because the first thing he would think of when he saw her flaming red hair wasn’t green tea. It deserved something more bold attached to it. Like orange. Or vanilla. Or coconut.

Because Leanna was exactly that. Bold. Bright. Crashing into the lives of everyone in her path with her bright smile, loud laughter and a personality that sucked you in. 

Nico stops at a red light and absentmindedly looks to the right. His breath catches at the sight of a woman walking a beagle. Leanna always said that once she was more settled down, a beagle was the kind of dog she wanted to get, just like the dog she had by her side throughout her whole childhood. 

At one point, Nico had thought she meant settling down in Jersey. Never did she give the indication while they were together that she had meant London. 

He couldn’t force himself to unfollow Leanna on Instagram after the break-up. He catches himself way too often seeing if she still follows him. She does. And she even likes his posts most of the time. He checks.

Nico shouldn’t be surprised. Even though she cried so much when they broke up and he couldn’t handle it, through tears, she wished him nothing but the best. Even as she was actively breaking his heart.

As he pulls into the parking garage for his apartment complex, he kills the engine and just sits there. He should be focusing on the game tonight. Focusing on how they need to stop taking stupid penalties. Focusing on their positioning in the offensive zone. 

You think too much, honey. Leanna would say, kissing his forehead twice, something she started doing to calm him down. You just need to play hockey. Least that’s what you always tell me. Everything else will follow. 

And he would never admit it out loud — especially to Jonas — but he still repeats those words in his head. He’s not sure if it works, but it’s like a mantra. A routine. And hockey players know more than anyone how important routines are and how difficult they are to change. 

It’s been two months and three days. It’s annoying that Nico can still hear her voice in his head, clear as day. He hopes one day he’lll never be able to remember. But he also dreads the day that he’ll forget what she sounds like. 

He walks up into his apartment and pours out a glass of water, downing it in one go. The sun’s out for the first time in two weeks, and a small smile spills on his lips as he admires the sunlight through his glass windows. His eyes shift to a spot on one of the tables by the window on the right, where it seems like something is shining. His curiosity takes over and he walks over, a reminder popping into his brain that he needs to dust his apartment. Why does dust accumulate so quickly anyways? 

His stomach drops. One of her combs placed nonchalantly behind one of his plants. The shine is coming from the light hitting the red hair caught between the bristles. 

What the fuck?

Nico closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before hastily grabbing the comb and tossing it into the trash. She never officially moved in with him, but she was around the apartment enough to leave some things lying around here and there. He thought he had thrown everything out. Or more accurately, he trusted Jesper, Timo and Jack to do it for him during a particularly bad Saturday afternoon two weeks after everything fell to shit. 

He checks the time and sighs. He needs to nap or else everything will be thrown off. Checking his phone to make sure no one needs him, he plugs it in to charge by his bedside, ignoring a text from Nina he’ll answer when he wakes up.

It’s a text she sends a few times a week when she senses that her younger brother’s having a harder day. From almost 4,000 miles, she still knows. Nico’s always loved his sister, but he’s never felt more grateful to have her as he has in these last few months. 

eins zu zehn?? ❤️

One to ten, it translates to. On a scale of one to ten, how shitty or good are you feeling about it today? 

Nico sighs, responds back with a 6, and wills his mind to rest. 

Somehow, he wakes up decently well rested to his alarm. He stays in bed a few extra minutes, getting his mindset ready for gametime. He chooses to wear the gray three piece suit tonight. One of his more fancier fits. It is the Rangers, after all. 

It was Leanna’s favorite suit of his. She always joked he “ruined the look” when he slapped on his beloved white beanie. I love your hair. I wish you’d show it off more, she’d say.

He digs out the beanie from his clean laundry. 

He always leaves an hour or so to himself before he has to go to the rink. He usually spends it tidying up or doing things around his place to clear his head so he can come back after the game and just crash. 

Today, he replays the breakup in his mind. Or what he remembers of it, since he blocked a lot of it out. 

When you picture your future, do you see me in it at all? He had choked out, holding Leanna’s hands in his for what was the last time. 

It hadn’t helped that she had also been crying as she said her next words. Neeks, baby. It’s not you, it’s me. And I hate that I’m pulling that out, but it’s true. Maybe this isn’t the right time for us. 

Why can’t it be? Nico had said. Why can’t we make it work?

Maybe in the future, if things are different. She had said, biting her trembling lip. But even then, Nico knew they were empty promises. She’s too stubborn of a person to not bend the world her way. She just doesn’t want Nico to be a part of that world.

It’s not fair, he knows that realistically, but oftentimes he wonders if she ever loved him at all. That thought especially rode his mind after he saw her post a story on Instagram earlier last week. It was clearly a soft launch, with her hand in the hand of some faceless guy over dinner. Nico ended up scoring two goals that night out of sheer adrenaline and anger. 

Because all he’s ever wanted was for Leanna Spritz to be happy. Even now. Even after all of this. Even if it’s not with him. 

But fuck, she’s clearly moving on. Why can’t he?

He blinks, collapsing on his couch in the living room and staring at the wall. The last time he heard from her was a month ago, when he had gone down after a rough hit during a game against Minnesota. He ended up only being out for the next two games, but the hit hadn’t been pretty. His chest had taken the brunt of the damage. Everyone, including him, had been relieved that it wasn't more serious.

While he was getting checked out by the trainers the next morning, his phone had buzzed and he almost threw up. 

Leanna Spritz✨

I saw the hit last night. Hope you’re okay. Listen to the trainers. 

Nico was angry. What right did she have to text him that? 

But then, he just felt sad. That bottomless pit in his stomach opened up. He felt nothing but emptiness. 

His phone buzzes, this time with a text from Timo, and Nico takes a deep breath. It’s game time. No more crying over his ex-girlfriend. 

As he’s sliding on his beanie in the bathroom, he catches sight of the hair oil again. He picks it up, smells it, before throwing it in the trash. It lands on the bottom of the can with a final thud. He clicks all the lights off, makes sure he has everything he needs, grabs his key off the hook and shuts the door. 

Two hours later, everyone’s getting hyped up. He gives a mini impromptu speech, Jack slaps his back way too hard and Nico smiles, dimples and all.

He takes a deep breath before his blades touch the ice.

[itsabouttimex2]

I been kinda busy so I'm late to the party but i came back to fulfill my duty of rambling about ABNJ. I hope your sister's recover is going (or already went) well. Gonna try to make this one brief since i see i have a lot of posts to catch up to!

- the whole moment with indirect declaration of love is so good and the insight into Macaques thoughts is really nice! Seeing characters thoughts and generally introspections is one of my fav things in writing tbh

- a vulnerable moment followed up by a shove. Is it just excitement to give them the clothes or some form of guilt?? Both maybe (This is probably overinterpration so in that case ignore it)

- flower symbolism my beloved <333 roses sprouting showing how Macaque starts to feel loved and Y/n is one taking care of them. (i didn't see them mentioned in fourth part but there is a big chance i could be misremembering. Did Rumble and Savage plant them? 👀). Also Dahlias and Tansies being in bloom emphasizing already negative feelings that exist in Macaque.

- are Savage and Rumble going after MK?? Hopefully they will just steal his phone or something because i doubt they would be on the winning side in actual physical fight with him.

That's all from me for now! At this point i should make account for commenting so i don't spam your askbox. Thank you for the work you put in and have fun watching season 5! Remember to stay hydrated! :]

I always love to hear your thoughts on A Brand New Journey! I intend to put out Part Seven soon- and I’m sorry that they take so long!

Ok, so a big part in general of this chosen route- Fatherly!Macaque as your mentor, that is- was literally built around this note that I’ve been sitting on for a while:

“Macaque has no one. Not since Wukong. Probably no one before that, and barely anyone afterwards. He has no family. He has no friends. Macaque is alone.

His own “Sworn Brothers” didn’t like him. Note that he has zero interactions with the Brotherhood outside of Wukong and Peng! Note that not even one of them calls him “brother”! They didn’t care about him!

Wukong wasn’t the most understanding of individuals, and Macaque ended up acting as a blind enabler instead of a friend. Together, hand in hand, they ruined probably the only genuine friendship either one had at that point.

Wukong found people who helped him grow. Macaque refused to leave the side of people who didn’t care for him, even if he wanted to at least hear out Wukong. Good influences and bad, one simian with a brash will to change and the other too cowardly to even run.

They deviated further from one another- fatally, this time.

Centuries spent dead and alone.

Then he’s back.

After so very long, Macaque is returned to life.

And he finds someone. And that someone cares enough to share their food, to share his home, to share their time, to share memories and warmth and company.

Macaque finds someone who cares about him, and he cares right back, so deeply that his feelings threaten to swallow him..

And then, for the very first time in all of his many centuries-

Macaque gets an “I love you”.

Who wouldn’t that break?

And then Macaque has himself a little internal monologue (signified by paragraphs and unflattering descriptions of himself) about how he views himself as a monster and doesn’t deserve Y/N…

And then justifies his actions by internally declaring himself a “villain” and pushing his cherished student away. But he also spends the rest of the chapter grabbing and pushing and pulling- because this is his kid, and he loves them (gods above, how he loves them!) so much that he doesn’t want to let go.

Y/N planted the roses themself, actually- roses symbolize fatherhood- they’re the official flower of Father’s Day, even! The tansies and dahlias are in bloom- this time with Macaque’s negative feelings towards himself!

Rumble and Savage aren’t going to do anything too bold without permission… but they are getting very antsy about all of this.

As always, thank you for the comments! I adore you sharing your thoughts with me!

[sieglinde-freud]

grabs ur hands dm ur reasoning rn *looks at you with my big eyes*

YOU GUYS ARE PEER PRESSURING ME WTF... but ok im just gonna post it here then hi tc thank u for the ask :) going under the read more because my initial ramblings were literally 3k but let me see if i can chop it down. cw: LONG. also pic for reference so we know what im talking about

so the placements all assume the only headcanon thats real going into this is that the morgans are siblings. no canon second parents which means no chrom!inigo or anything like that they all have single moms or whatever idk not important but just clarifying none of that is impacting their placements because i dont want to think about that

black eagle placements were the most fun because the fun thing about that route is that it splits into two more! one thing thats always bothered me is that when that route splits, the only thing that changes is that you either lose edelgard or hubert or you lose flayn. are you really telling me those are the only three students with enough free will to not let byleth pick the rest of their life for them? ferdinand would NOT go to the church i dont care!!! this is something they fixed (kind of) in warriors but in general when picking the black eagles i wanted to keep that in mind too

so kjelle was the first character i looked at and went “i know where you go.” i think she looks at edelgard and goes “you are everything i want to be and more” because what edelgard fights for and how she accomplishes it. kjelle is a very “the strong must protect the weak by any means necessary” which is kind of harsh when its presented to the player in awakening but it is literally edelgard’s whole philosophy. and kjelle is very egotistical (not hate i love her ass so much underrated fav!!) she thinks incredibly highly of herself so for her to bow down to anyone they would have to 1) echo her ideals and 2) be stronger than her. sorry shes never bending the knee to dimitri and claude i dont give a fuck she doesnt like those men. i think she’d understand edelgard’s idea of putting power in human hands and fully commit to the ends justify the means. this isnt really a gameplay rewrite thing im trying to do but if byleth picked the church she would leave. also… please. please please consider edelkjelle… okay guys… for me……..

on the opposite side nah was my second immediate “ohh i know what im doing with you” and its because if byleth picks edelgard, shes out!! granted, i could just put her with lions or deer but how is that fun. its not. nah, being a manakete, would probably be much more understanding of rhea and willing to reach out. being a manakete is probably a pretty isolating experience for her, ylisse or fodlan or otherwise, so i think her finding solace with rhea and flayn and seteth during her time at the academy would allow her to get closer to people more like her, and understand on some level why rhea is the way she is and why governs the way she does. though, still being housemates, she’d befriend edelgard and i think she’d admire edelgard’s conviction and maturity during the academy arc. but when edelgard betrays the church i think she’d take that very hard, and i dont think anything edelgard would say to her would get her to turn on what is basically the family she never got to have (theres also second gen angst potential in here somewhere…)

inigo was interesting to think about and i did almost saddle him in with golden deer but i like the potential of him with edelgard a lot more when i really sat down and thought about it. im pulling more from his characterization as laslow i think but at first i wasn’t really sure if i had a case for him picking between the empire and the church but i decided to go with the empire because i do think in the time he has with edelgard, he’d be a voice of reason for her (to hubert’s dismay). edelgard’s problem is that she has literally no outsider pov and is going based on her own sense of justice that, while its based in good intentions, has a lot of unintended consequences and failure to acknowledge how it impacts everyone else. i think inigo could take a unique role, similar to ferdinand (or lorenz to claude, felix to dimitri) in that he challenges edelgard but on a much more friendlier level. the thing about how that role normally plays out is that its formed on some personal grievance rather than genuine better interest of the people, and i think of all the lords, edelgard needs a friend the most (its why shes so attached to byleth???). and just looking at how hes able to handle xander in fates and how much more introspective he becomes, i think it’d play out similarly here. also i think with the forces of him and dorothea combined they would give ferdinand the worst bisexual panic of his life. ik i mentioned felix/inigo WHICH I STILL LIKE but imagine the layer of angst if they are on opposing sides… ok thanks

was on the fence about gerome until beloved mutual (hi woocy :3) convinced me he would be beagle and im completely down with that. for me, i struck out blue lions immediately. so after that its just a matter of do i think he fits in better with BE or GD and quite honestly. for some reason golden deer gets the rep of being the meme house but aside from lorenz looking a little funny anf claude putting up a facade YOU ALL FELL FOR this straight up is not true. the funny house is black eagles and by GOD it would piss gerome off to be there. i dont think they chose their houses, by the way. i think they got to fodlan and rhea vibe checked all of them immediately so he didnt have a say in this. not only is he stuck with inigo, hes stuck with watching kjelle—the strongest warrior ever probably the only one in the second to match him in terms of raw strength—stumble over herself over their house leader because wwaauuw women pretty LIKE COME ONNNN. though, i do think he’d respect edelgard for her strength, and theres a lot of interesting dynamics for him to explore. dorothea pissing him off, bonding with petra over their enjoyment for wildlife, he would definitely be training partners with caspar, and i think he’d actually be like. really good at talking to bernadetta? maybe seeing her reminds him of how he was when he was younger. maybe he gets her out by introducing her to minerva. much to think about. but in general he would keep mostly to himself with standard gerome “cant get close to people that i cant guarantee will stay with me” fashion i think he probably wouldnt be as close as say someone like inigo or nah would be with the house. so when the time to choose a side comes… i dont think he’d have the relationship with edelgard to pick her. i think he would oppose her ideals, and go with nah, if not flee fodlan entirely because omfg who careeesss…. WHO CAREEESS his ass is in wyvern valley (no i think he’d fight. but he’d def consider dipping)

m!morgan is here because i think it would challenge him. guy who is so cute so earnest so ready to be happy in school learning everything hes ever wanted hoping to come home and make momma proud and oh my god he got put in the most crazy house imaginable. whoever his professor is is probably like wow morgan you have a gift for tactics! why dont you try managing the class for a mission? and being morgan he’d go YES ABSOLUTELY!!! unfortunately this house has hubert. and ferdinand. and bernadetta. and linhardt. and caspar. the thing about robin and the shepherds is that most people immediately respected robin as their tactician and robin was able to connect and befriend most of them fairly easily because they were mostly all sane and normal people. the black eagles are most definitely not and have you guys seen that black eagles seating chart post? well. i just think it’d give morgan a hard time and between him and f!morgan its funnier if its him. also splitting him from the justice cabal for timeskip angst sorry. also i think it’d be cool if he took edelgards side. i dont actually know which way he’d lean thats a tossup like this is a character that i could believe would trust byleth’s judgement and go with them but if its edelgard i think that could set up fun conflict between him and nah. grima vs naga part 2!! though i actually did have him for blue lions first if only because of the three houses the blue lions probably need a tactician type the best but. i like this one better.

so for blue lions i immediately clocked owain like look at this guy. i think owain would see the house of cool knightly chivalrous types fighting for justice and being cool and having swords and i just think he’d be in heaven. i also think, to him, dimitri would be a figure to look up to similar to lucina, but with the difference that they are not family and owain might put him on an even higher pedestal because theres this sense of familiarity he had with lucina thats not really there anymore? kind of similar to ashe and dimitri. and when the timeskip comes, i think he’d be endlessly devoted to dimitri even still, never forgetting who he was before and striving to bring him back, still thinking of this idolized version of him, even if it puts himself at risk. i also think in general, owain would thrive in the blue lions house. felix, ashe, ingrid, dedue, annette— those are all prime support partners for him that have a lot of potential. the blue lion house is very… the way that they are. and something owain shows in fates is that though hes very good at using his theatrics to ease people, whether that be on purpose or otherwise, and by god do the blue lions need it. look at them… jesus.

cynthia is in the blue lion house for similar reasons but i think she has a key difference from owain. while i think owain is the type to go down with the ship, i think cynthia might actually serve as an opposition to dimitri and potentially go against him in a similar fashion to felix and annette in thats hidden in the games files and was never put in the game (WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. dimitri doesnt get enough push back in azure moon!! another post for another time though). in their time at the academy, while owain is fangirling over dimitri, i think cynthia would too at first. but fodlan is very different than ylisse, and in particular faerghus treats its knights and specifically women knights very differently than cynthia wouldve otherwise been treated. i think this would push cynthia into questioning faerghus’s ideals (especially in getting close to ingrid who im sure she’d find friendship in) and eventually dimitri in how he seemingly upholds those ideals. when he goes down a darker path in the timeskip, she’d probably take felix’s more critical approach, and i think she could turn on him. for the empire? probably not. but i dont think she’d be as down as owain or ingrid to keep following him when hes not taking accountability for what hes doing. she might find her way back once hes come back to himself but who really knows. not me (<- girl who is writing all of this)

yarnes a funny pick because lions are supposed to be brave and fearless and hes a Rabbit. but obviously yarne would be very aware of that irony and i think it could serve as a push for him to come into that bravery, and thats something i think the lion house could help him do. i think he’d look to dimitri for solace similar to how he does with lucina, and dimitri would be very happy to provide that for him. when the timeskip comes and dimitri is lost, i think yarne would have to find it in himself to abandon that anxiety for a bit to come help ease dimitri, sort of repaying him for his initial kindness (read: i want eyepatch scary dimitri to find stress relief in petting a big ass bunny). also i dont need yarne to be in the same house as petra and marianne for him to interact with them. dont worry thats a thing. also if youre a real one you recruit marianne to blue lions everytime. no i dont know how they’d handle bringing a taguel to fodlan i dont really care either

for severa i think, even if she would rather not admit it, justice and loyalty are very key parts of her character. its buried underneath her mean girl attitude and like five pounds of trauma but its there. and what are the blue lions if not loyal knights with very LOUD auras of sadness? she would be similar to felix in terms of their views on knighthood, and obviously her whole thing with cordelia would put her at odds with the whole dying for your king/for glory thing faerghus has going on. similar to cynthia she’d be very critical of faerghus and dimitri except she’d be that way to his face. she doesnt have the same personal beef with him the same way felix would, and might be a little more like how i imagined inigo would be to edelgard, criticism with the better interest of the greater good rather than formed of personal beef. in the end though, i think she would stick with dimitri. also i think she’d have insane sexual tension with ingrid like i dont think theyd like eachother but like. my vision… do you see it.

bradys in lions partially due to mutual influence (hi zorua) but also because i ended up liking his potential with the lions as opposed to the deer or eagles. he’d have a very cute friendship with mercedes and annette i think, playing violin for them and having tea party gossip sessions. i think he and dedue could bond over being kinda scary but doing what they can to ease people’s fear of them. since thats an insecurity for both of them that brady purposefully takes steps to get rid of (ex: him hunching over is so that he can be eye level with children and people shorter with them so as not to come off as intimidating or more powerful) i think brady could help with that. though if im being so real i dont think he would like dimitri. i think he would stay and stick around and help dimitri get better. but i dont think he’d approve of his bloodlust and be very open with his issues in regards to how dimitri handles and carries himself. sorry guys im not meaning to have dimitri catch so many strays here 😭 i love the guy i just also like when theres conflict here i promise

laurent is in the golden deer because i think he and claude would be very like minded people in terms of trying to discover the secrets behind fodlan and what that means and how to better navigate fodlan as uncharted territory. theyre both foreigners, as are all of the second gen kids, but thats something claude keeps under wraps that i think laurent would be able to tell very quickly (not that it was hard. claude doesnt hide it well its just that everyone in fodlan is either stupid or all the smart people are kept away from him) that claude is from almyra. i think this knowledge could help him serve as something of a confidant to claude. obviously he wouldnt tell laurent everything but when claudes supposed closest allies are lorenz (guy who hates him and prays for his downfall) and hilda (girl who is racist and from a racist family) its just like. well maybe claude should have another friend who is normal adjacent at least, and laurents not the type to go blabbing anyways. obviously both lorenz and hilda (eh. well.) get better about their mindsets post timeskip but i think in the time of the academy laurent would be a very valuable friend for claude and vice versa. in general laurent would do well anywhere because i think most of his interest would be with the technological and scientific advancements of fodlan which is flexible, but i think, with rhea purposefully halting progress and claude being the main guy who wants truth above all else, this is the best spot for him. could hear an argument for him going to edelgard (potential recruit out of house recruit fs) but i do like him with claude a bit more. gerolau angst also.

lucina is in golden deer because i dont want her in the other two houses but also because i do think, similar to laurent, she’d be very valuable to claude and vice versa. awakening world building is horseshit but from what little we do know there is quite a bit of political discourse that lucina probably knows quite a bit about. even if her timeline was thrown into war when she was young, she probably had some form of royal training and can help claude navigate fodlan a little bit. i also think coming to fodlan would just be a very refreshing experience for lucina as the burden of everything is no longer directly on her shoulders, and i think she’d be looking for a broader perspective on life and finding another purpose for herself now that grima is dealt with. i think claude would be able to help her with that and i think she’d be genuinely interested to learn of his homeland once she figures out where hes from (i do think laurent beats her to the conclusion but not by a lot. remember this is lucina aka marth aka woman her disguised her own royal status and was very successful at it. just saying). also while i did say that golden deer is in fact not the meme house, i think they are more light hearted overall in terms of character (does NOT mean meme house or funny house. look me right in my eyes and say the house WITHOUT hubert and linhardt is the meme house. fucking liar) and i think lucina would love that. i want her to get the chance to be silly and childish for a little bit. characters like raphael and marianne and lysithea might help her heal that inner child that she never really got to let out and i just think the golden deer house would be the best place for her

morgan is here because i didnt want her and marc in the same house thats too easy. but while i think claude is the least in need of a tactician type character, him and morgan would be sooooo funny so cute and i need someone who can keep him on his toes. i think he blurts out a plan and morgan goes “ermmm ackchully” and half of the time her rebuttals are complete nonsense she just wants to argue. i think they both enjoy it. i also think, similar to lucina, a light hearted house would be a little better for her. shes much more prone to mischief than m!morgan is i think and i think the deer would benefit from that if only so she can target lorenz and make me laugh. i also think separating the twins would make for fantastic angst down in the timeskip but for now shes just hanging out having fun being a piece of shit. #girl also i think its funnier if one morgan is absolutely thriving and the other is barely keeping his shit together and by god it is way funnier if its f!morgan getting away with everything

noire is here because. i. could not think of a reason for her to go anywhere else! i thought about putting her in beagles but i dont think making that choice between the church and edelgard would be as interesting for her? and i dont think putting her in lions would do anything for her. i think the best lord and the best house at helping her through her issues and being understanding of her mood changes is probably claude and the deer. i could see hilda and leonie reaching out to her, or ignatz and her getting on pretty well, but im not quite sure on the specifics of that. my least thought out placement but also it doesnt matter because it keeps the placements balanced to put her here. i’ll have to give this one more thought…

anyways if you can believe it this is the cutdown version. i know right. i hope i didnt forget anyone that would be really embarrassing

[iameliseposts]

Deafening - Diavolo x Fallen Noble!MC

In which MC, a noble fallen from grace is engaged to the future Demon King. The slander they hear behind their back is loud, but the silence in their office from being too busy to see Diavolo is louder.

So… it’s been a while… 😭 I’m really sorry for not being more consistent. I’ve been really busy with school and been in a writing slump. I’ll be trying to post more once finals end, so I hope you enjoy!

Bags under their eyes, MC drags the pen across the paper. Their study was eerily quiet, as it was most of the time. MC didn’t know what was worse, their family accidentally blowing up the study or having to work endlessly in silence. Their lady in waiting claimed it was silence.

“Could you all resist the urge to blow up my private study every time I leave?” MC asked, wrinkles forming on their forehead, “Or at the very least, not have this occur every week?”

“Come now! Isn’t the silence working alone deafening?”

Such was true this time. The sound of their pen scratching the paper wasn’t enough for their head. Their study was filled with papers left and right. Documents lined their cupboards and dressers. Scattered around, there was an accessory left behind by the fifth born or a pen gifted by the eldest.

They missed the vibrant sound of laughter after they got electrocuted by a suspicious sticky note by their desk. They missed the gasps and hushed whispers (which turned into whisper shouts) after certain people dropped some documents.

They missed the prince’s arms around their shoulders at the end of the day, dragging them to bed. They were stuck in their room for the past couple days, focusing on the paperwork in front of them. A dispute of sorts between two powerful noble houses. One was a side-branch of Mephistopheles’ house and the other was a prominent figure in external Devildom affairs. Ugh, they’ve been at it for how long? Yet now, this problem has become a serious issue.

The noble in charge of external Devildom affairs has been withholding certain goods from the other house, causing throngs of issues. Conferences between both houses have been heated. Hell, even conferences not about either house or external issues in general have the two houses arguing. And who got the short end of the stick? The people who deal with the aftermath of a group of petty nobles.

Worst of all, no matter how much work MC does, how much effort they put in, it’s always ignored. They’re just the leftovers of the more important nobles or so they say. Neither house were all too happy with MC taking over their problem, which pissed off Diavolo more than he’d admit to any noble. In his words, ‘Why complain about a problem, then proceed to complain about a solution presented in your hands?’

What could MC do other than work harder? They needed their social position to improve, so whatever could they do? They didn’t even have a debutante ball like all nobles do during their first step into high society. They was invited to gatherings, only to listen to nobles ramble about Diavolo. It was tiring, but nothing could be done because of MC’s house circumstances. And it was something they never could have controlled and never can be fixed.

Another document done. Too many left to go. All the while the sounds of the castle being drowned out of the room with the soundproof door. They’ve been doing nothing but eating, working and sleeping for the past weeks. They barely have time to go to the House of Lamentation and it breaks their own heart.

Even Diavolo has been busy with the same problem. He’s been in his personal study, dealing with this, the exchange program and probably even more shit. And while MC does understand; they truly do, they wish the situation didn’t suck ass. The emptiness in the room was deafening on MC’s ears.

MC barely registered the sound of the door opening as they focused on their work. Calculate these numbers, write this down, feel a warm presence on your shoulder… wait what? The hand on their shoulder gripped tight enough to make MC’s shoulders relax, but not hurt them. They felt their will to keep working weaken and wither away as their fiance massages their stiff shoulders. If only their work wasn’t urgent.

Diavolo bends his head down into the crook of MC’s shoulder. “You should rest, my monarch.” He whispers into their ear. “You have been working for long hours for several days.”

“I can’t.” MC shakes their head, shrugging their shoulders away from Diavolo’s hands. “I need to fix this situation as soon as possible.”

Their head hurt, like a burning pit within the depths of their brain. It’s the stress, it’s usually stress. Back to back long work days take a toll on people, even on demons. It was an ache that doesn’t leave with sleep and stayed for a while. Ouch.

“Now, this work isn’t more important than your health…”

MC believes he’s still speaking. They thinks so at least. They can’t hear him, but they feels his mouth against their ear. They feel light. Their head feels light.

“...care…don’t…”

Hurts. Hurts too much. The headache hurts too much.

“M… MC!”

Lights dimmed then went black. MC felt their body fall forward, but some hands held them up.

…

The lights started to flicker in rays. Slowly the rays multiplied, leading way to MC’s surroundings. Their vision, at first blurry and gradually becoming clearer, depicts Diavolo looking horrified.

“Oh- thank goodness you’re awake MC! I’m.. so thankful…”

His last couple words came out hitched. He held MC’s upper body up beside him using his arm supporting the front of their shoulders. MC noted they was still on their chair, meaning they blacked out briefly. They leaned back.

“Careful now…” Diavolo gently reclined them, cupping the back of their head with his palm.

“Sorry, did I worry you?” MC asked, massaging their temples harshly. Their headache was a bit fainter, yet persistent. How irritating.

“Worry me- MC you just passed out! Surely you believe you need the rest now.” Diavolo firmly said. It was clearly a statement rather than an option.

“...no.”

“MC-”

“No, I need to finish this.”

Diavolo stands in between MC and their desk with his hands on their shoulders, looking into their eyes. “I understand you need to get it done. However, running yourself ragged like this-”

“Is a necessity.” MC cuts him off, trying to maneuver around him to reach their pen. However they was stopped by Diavolo taking their hands in his. It would have been a romantic gesture if tensions weren’t high. MC’s headache intensified, spinning and squeezing, clearly doing a number on them.

“Enough MC.” His voice was completely serious. To anyone who didn’t know him personally, it would have sounded menacing. “You shouldn’t work yourself to the bone.”

MC put their head down into their hands, trying to blunten the pain in their head. “But I need to.” They felt the stress getting into their head, seeping deep.

“You don’t need to-”

“YES I DO-” They had cut herself off with a sob. The pain, stress, work. It’s day in, day out torture that hurts. They took a breath, hiding their face with their hands away from Diavolo, “If I don’t, neither House will respect me nor my solution.” They tried taking more gasps of air, but it ended out as airy sobs. “Then I won’t be able to take a place by your side. My name is disgraced, but I won’t allow yours to be as well.”

Diavolo stood there, listening. He was silent, but heard them clearly. They needed to talk and he’s happy to listen. He kneeled in front of them, placing his hand on their knee. He squeezed their knee, comfortingly.

He only wished they’d brought this forward sooner.

“..What about this compromise? You go rest for now,” He held up a hand before they could interject, “and I’ll go over it myself at the end. This way, this will be your work, but pre-approved by me.”

MC pursed their lips. “...Wouldn’t that be more work for you?”

“If it’s your report, I know it’ll be interesting.” Diavolo laughed loudly.

At least the room wasn’t deafening anymore.

[seiryuuuz]

little fmab ramble not too long because i feel i probably won’t be able to put thoughts into words much with this but fmab is genuinely one of the animes i feel if you have not watched you one hundred percent should at the beginning it kinda puts you into it without explain and you have so many questions and such but i feel as the story goes in these little threads of the story start becoming more understandable and interesting the plot is one of the things i love so much about fmab bc its very well written and just amazing these two kids are doing everything in their power to try to get their bodies back and like as you’re watching this in your head you know these a children they should not have to deal with this or go through what they’re going through or deal with what they’re going through they should have a peaceful life and then people who you think you won’t feel bad for or don’t really like can end up growing on you like Scar he’s a character who i didn’t like at first but then learning what happened to him and his people you start to learn and understanding why he doing the things he did and you can’t be mad at him for that and what he’s doing bc the alchemist are at fault they should of never did what they did and even some of them realize that and have to deal with the cause of their actions and obviously some of them try to make up for what they did and regret what they did but some others they don’t so you kinda see different perspectives of other and i think the way the story is written is genuinely so amazing and so well written and im not one to say that about a lot of stuff i watch but fmab deserves praise it gets and sometimes im left with more questions than i had at the beginning but with fmab that wasn’t the case at all and all the plot twist within the show were amazing and so well done and Greed which is another character i enjoyed not at the beginning but when it was Greed/Ling i really enjoyed that character and the way Greed gave up his life at the end for Ling and him saying “peace out, soul brothers” and calling Ling and Ed his friends his development was i think very well done and i enjoyed watching it and i also love how they show equivalent exchanges because that’s also another important thing throughout the show because to get something in return you have to give something of equal value hence how the Al lost his body and how Ed lost his arm and leg and it kinda makes me sad thinking about it too because they were two grieving children who just wanted their mother back also the relationships done in this show are so well done too it’s interesting to see people’s dynamics and stuff one of my favorites being Roy and Riza i do believe she was one of his weaknesses as we seen Riza was used again roy before when they were forcing him to do the transmutation that and he ended up doing it for her to save her life they mean so much to me and then him being forced to do the transmutation caused him to lose his eyesight the whole equivalent exchanges playing it part in the whole story and even though Roy didn’t want to do it there’s no way to avoid that happening to him and the Al giving up his body for Ed to have his arm back so he can fight and then my favorite part of the whole series is Ed giving up his use of alchemy to be able to bring Al his body back and no one would ever really except him to do that even truth was shocked when Ed said he was going to give up his alchemy and him saying “who even needs alchemy when i got them” it will always be my favorite part in the whole series Edward and Alphonse Elric you will forever be loved! said this wasn’t going to be long but i yapped sorry for any typos and not using punctuation i forget to use it when i ramble!

[tadpolesonalgae]

Hi hi! Im usually a lurker (first time sending anything in actually) I couldn’t help myself this time though and just really needed to say you are one of my favourite writers! Went from binging cbmthy to binging everything else. Thank you for sharing all the amazing writing🙇🙇 I hope you’re taking care of yourself!!💝🌸

…Moving forward…I’m sorry for my ramblings🫠 there’s just so much to talk and love about your stories

Ngl the first line of chapter 22 already made my heart ache🫠 just cause i felt it so deeply that reader almost routinely wants to talk to Bas. The thought of someone being such a big part of your life and just being gone one day over a terrible situation (whether it’s a good or bad thing that they’re gone), atp it’s so built into your routine that you can’t help but check on them or think of them even when you shouldn’t.

Idek how to feel about her sisters constantly wanting to buy things for her room. Cause I understand her sisters wanting to make her room feel more cozy again, and wanting to make her happy with the time she has left AND most importantly, conveying that it isn’t a “waste” to buy her things. BUT I ALSO UNDERSTAND READER’S MENTALITY AND I WILL ADMIT IVE GOTTEN FRUSTRATED IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS. Genuinely it does not feel good when you feel like you’re wasting other people’s money or time

Now Az…man Az…I’m probably in the minority of rooting for him even when the worst interactions happened between them (I say it’s cause I have massive faith in your writing ability to make their relationship come together☝️✨) BUT WJDJJWD I was almost thinking “just what is it that he wants??” Cause first, he’s the one who keeps seeking reader out now(? 2-3 times isn’t that many but I digress) while also flashing from decently warm (decently is important here) to extremely cold or indifferent.

“You kissed me back” EXCUSE ME? WHAT? LIKE- OKAY??? AND?? YOU DIDNT HAVE TO INITIATE IT ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW SHES SO DOWN BAD(???)

Okok and now the part I’m slightly confused about right? Now it’s very clear that reader isn’t the most emotionally stable and she is very very deadset on the belief that they hate her. So it wouldn’t surprise me if she took Az’s reaction wrong. What may look like ‘a horrible secret being revealed’, could actually be Az just- almost not knowing what to say to make things better? Or just…not knowing how to handle this? The line I’m questioning is “Azriel doesn’t care if she hit the nail on the head” how I took it is that what she said wasn’t necessarily correct but it doesn’t matter cause Az doesn’t want her to think he reciprocates but he also doesn’t want to reveal a “part of himself”👁️👁️ CURIOUS, VERY CURIOUS. And so he opted to be cold so she would hate him which I almost think that’s cause of his own deep rooted fears and hatred for himself (especially cause of the ‘if she thinks she’s in love with him, she should know how awful he is’ line). And that’s the part he doesn’t wanna expose to her (MAYBE??) as well as he actually probably pays way more attention to her than she thinks (Mr. I-know-you-have-a-small-scar-from-the-arrow)

Anyway that’s my rambling, please let me know if I misunderstood some of the text with Az!! THANK YOU FOR THE BEAUTIFUL, HEART WRENCHING CHAPTER, EXCITED ABOUT THIS PRISON BREAK SITUATION💝💝

‘Hi hi! Im usually a lurker (first time sending anything in actually)’

Ahhh hello!! Very happy to have you here (whether you’re lurking or chatting in 🧡💛)!

‘just really needed to say you are one of my favourite writers! Went from binging cbmthy to binging everything else.’

Really?? ☹️🫂🫂 I’m so happy you liked cbmthy enough to explore further! I hope none of it was too jarring to read—I imagine hopping from angsty cbmthy to smut riddled basically-everything-else might be a bit surprising at first 😭

Please do not worry about rambling, I love love love hearing from people and chatting!! 🧡💛 (I also find it very helpful too—anyone who’s been here since the beginning of cbmthy will be able to confirm I relied—and still do kind of—a lot on feedback to help me measure angst levels and steer the story progression 🫣)

‘Ngl the first line of chapter 22 already made my heart ache🫠 just cause i felt it so deeply that reader almost routinely wants to talk to Bas.’

Yes! And it’s not like anyone other than Mor might have any reason to go to the Winter Court so it’s like he’ll be completely out of reach once he’s gone!

Though while I think it will be painful for reader to lose him like that—in the way that he won’t be completely gone, but just far enough she can’t reach him—it might push her to venture further in attempts to find a way to get another third space for herself (or I guess technically second space, since she’s only really in the River House now with her sisters and the IC)? I think that might be exciting to see?

What you said about doing things out of habit though, expecting someone to be there once they’re not…do you think anyone might spot a single empty chair and pause? Or pass a pair of gloves and remember sensitivity in their fingertips? After six months has passed, I mean

‘Idek how to feel about her sisters constantly wanting to buy things for her room.’

Yes, even though Rhys is probably horrifically wealthy, and even if that wealth is extended to Feyre and her sisters, I don’t imagine reader would ever really feel like it was hers. Or that she’d earned it.

If reader could accept that offering I think things could be very happy though. Imagine having an entire space designed specifically you? With the colours you like, evidence of hobbies scattered around? A safe place to be?

Also being on the other end of reader’s illness, I think it would be natural to want to make someone’s life as happy and as comfortable as possible if you knew it was coming to the end. It’s just unfortunate there’s still that small barrier between them :/

‘Now Az…man Az…I’m probably in the minority of rooting for him even when the worst interactions happened between them’

Yes! Yes! Finally! I’ll shower you in metaphorical flowers!! Thank you!! I promise it’ll get better, just stick with me and everything will be fine!!

‘Cause first, he’s the one who keeps seeking reader out now’

I think it’s very funny that they keep meeting, and trying to have a normal conversation and just,,,failing,,,consistently 🤭

‘“You kissed me back” EXCUSE ME? WHAT? LIKE- OKAY??? AND?? YOU DIDNT HAVE TO INITIATE IT ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW SHES SO DOWN BAD(???)’

I adore that I could practically hear the indignant splutter through the screen 😭🧡💛

To be fair, in that moment Azriel thought that reader was accusing him of sexually taking advantage of her which is why he opposed her in a way that was kind of embarrassing for her, when reader was actually talking about Azriel using her to get a read on Elain (which yay, reader’s keeping that in mind now!!)

‘So it wouldn’t surprise me if she took Az’s reaction wrong.’

👀? To be fair, if she’s convinced herself that everyone hates her, I imagine convincing herself that Azriel might try to kill her out of revulsion wouldn’t be a tricky task 😭

‘The line I’m questioning is “Azriel doesn’t care if she hit the nail on the head” how I took it is that what she said wasn’t necessarily correct but it doesn’t matter cause Az doesn’t want her to think he reciprocates but he also doesn’t want to reveal a “part of himself”👁️👁️ CURIOUS, VERY CURIOUS.’

So I’m actually very curious to see how people interpreted this part because I think it’s the closest we’ve gotten so far to understanding an element of Azriel’s cold behaviour towards Reader?

I’m not going to elaborate on this part because it will be expanded upon later in the series and I don’t want to spoil anything, but yeah. It was fun to write those two paragraphs from Az’s perspective 🥲

‘as well as he actually probably pays way more attention to her than she thinks (Mr. I-know-you-have-a-small-scar-from-the-arrow)’

I want to say I ADORED that scene and I think reader was probably frozen from awe too. I mean, we know how flustered she gets from holding a conversation with him alone, not to mention when close proximity is added since Reader was obviously raised human, and time alone with a man + TOUCHING??? = Marriage. Horse and carriage. COURTING. (I’m being hyperbolic 😶)

Since I think that’s how reader’s been raised to view those things, I imagine she attributes much more meaning to them than any of the born-fae do, hence all the flushing and embarrassment and elevated heart rates 🤭

(That’s not to say that Azriel was flirting with her. More that they have different perspectives on how to display intimacy—also will be elaborated on—and while reader knows Azriel doesn’t mean those things in the way she understands them, that doesn’t remove their significance for her which makes her feelings much more difficult to temper :) )

Like him touching the spot atop her heart?? Much more intimate than a one night stand where it would only be physical nakedness 😭

‘Anyway that’s my rambling, please let me know if I misunderstood some of the text with Az!! THANK YOU FOR THE BEAUTIFUL, HEART WRENCHING CHAPTER, EXCITED ABOUT THIS PRISON BREAK SITUATION💝💝’

I loved reading you ramble and I’m so flattered you had so much to say about it!! Obviously I enjoy cbmthy since it takes up quite a lot of my time, so getting to hear people like yourself who’ve decided to read all the parts and then further decided to take some time to type messages out into my inbox? 🧡💛🫂🫂🫂

I love it, so much, so thank you for reading and enjoying!! I hope it continues to be a fun adventure! ☹️🫂

[revserrayyu]

2.5 Xianzhou continuance thoughts [part 3]

**SPOILER warning** for the entirety of the Feixiao boss battle and the quick Lingsha & Dan Heng scene that follows after it. Of course if you haven’t reached this part of the story yet, I kindly ask you turn away before reading any further. Also.. there’s a bunch of scenes featuring our Lacking General here, so you won’t see me lacking in praises as I go crazy about her.

Soon after recovering from Yanqing’s icy blade, Hoolay starts wreaking havoc by tearing his bloody heart out and driving fear into all the foxians onboard the Skysplitter, which is just.. grand. I’m honestly kinda relieved that Jiaoqiu wasn’t around for this because if I had to witness Feixiao taking him down, or vice versa depending on whomever went insane first, I probably would’ve cried.

I do think it’s a bit comical that the 2.5 trailer used this shot of Feixiao with her giant wolf spirit summoned behind her to make it seem like she was our next enemy when she’s so clearly about to help us and handle the situation herself.

So devouring the heart is indeed the cause of her losing control, which I assumed would happen the first time Hoolay mentioned the blood heart and.. I’m kinda glad this is the true reason? She chose to eat it in order to save the other foxians from breaking out into a mad frenzy at the cost of her going insane instead. She wasn’t a secret accomplice of Hoolay nor did he take control over her like I feared upon watching the teaser trailer. I also thought that Feixiao’s moon rage might’ve overtaken her courtesy of Jiaoqiu not being around to treat her in time or she simply gave into the rage after hearing whatever torture Hoolay put Jiaoqiu through. So yeah, I think it’s best she deliberately intended for this to happen and trust the kids to snap her out of it rather than have her emotions getting the best of her while Hoolay stood by on the sidelines watching all smug as Feixiao betrays everyone.

Oohhh, the red in her eyes is still such a simply terrifying detail. You really feel like you’re in danger being started at like that.

I wish they were able to change up her model to reflect the red ring though considering how small of a change it really is. I understand it wouldn’t be too noticeable during battle when she’s all the way across the field, especially if the player has the battle speed turned up, but it would’ve been nice. (I also wish they did something with Jiaoqiu’s eyes too at the end of the story, but that’s something I’ll ramble about next post.)

Sigh.. I know my first thought shouldn’t be “wow, wish that were me right now instead of Yunli,” and yet it’s all I can think about right here so.. sorry not sorry.

I’m torn between “I can fix her” and “she doesn’t need to be fixed.” Her bright, blue eyes were mesmerizing before and now they’re twice as gorgeous, even if she’s five seconds away from ripping off my limbs. Where’s Jade with that “What pretty eyes. Tell me, do they shine in the dark?” line when you need it. I’m a fan of that devilish smile too.

Sudden brief flashback to knock me out of my bewitched trace and land a critical hit on my heart, aaaah! No breaking promises allowed here! Especially if it involves your life! I’d much rather have you both keep your promises to each other please!

This whole ordeal inside her mind very much reminds me of when we looked upon Cocolia’s memories mid-battle, only this time we’re seeing Feixiao’s possible future if she chooses to follow in Hoolay’s footsteps and become the new borisin warhead. It was kinda reassuring learning about how our strong General does fear something, with how often rushes into battle without hesitation more often than not. Makes her feel more human rather than if she was truly fearless.

Kudos to her keeping her composure upon hearing about Jiaoqiu’s “death.” Feixiao either sees through Hoolay’s bluff and knows he’s only swaying her resolve so she cooperates with him as she’d have no other options of recovery without Jiaoqiu, or she trusts in her healer’s ability to stay alive. There could always be other reasons that I probably didn’t come up with too, I dunno, but her eyes did narrow upon hearing his name if memory serves correct. It does make me wonder why Hoolay didn’t straight up end Jiaoqiu’s life.. or perhaps he thought he did but never bothered to check? Which would’ve been so foolish but I digress. Still thankful that our handsome foxian is alive but hearing this taunt did worry me at the time.

Well, duh, of course Feixiao would refuse. If becoming the Xianzhou’s enemy is her worst fear, then I doubt she would yield to Hoolay and his plan, but I guess he didn’t think that point through very well. This also means General Huaiyan’s quote “Merlin’s Claw, you have betrayed the alliance” from the trailer was all a trick for us to believe Feixiao would turn on us too. Hoyo is being real deceiving this patch.

Oohh this flashback.. I knew bits about it already since I read Feixiao’s ascension character stories right when I got her but couldn’t remember off the top of my head which name belonged to Feixiao, but Hoolay eventually confirms that her real name before being saved by Yueyu and joining the Cloud Knights was Saran.

From trying to escape with Neergul, to the countless battles she’s fought it, Feixiao is always set on saving every possible life she can. No wonder she ate that cursed heart to spare the nearby foxians of madness.

The scene where she prays to Lan sorta reminds me of when Qlipoth gazed upon the Trailblazer and we gained the lance, if only because Feixiao’s battle axe comes crashing down from a beam of light moments later.

Speaking of heavenly beings, thank all the Aeons that we don’t technically fight Feixiao but Hoolay, who ends up transforming into her because if we had to harm this woman ourselves I’d be so sad. She’s been through enough fighting throughout her lifetime, I didn’t want to cause her any more pain! I’d lose the battle on purpose.

I’d gladly beat up Hoolay though. Especially after all the torment he caused Jiaoqiu. Feixiao certainly looks ready to give the warhead some hell too.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t too thrilled when we first learned we would be returning to the Xianzhou for the Wardance, but it turned out to be quite an experience. Half of my enjoyment of this continuance mission comes from how great the story was.. while the other half is strictly because of Feixiao. Of course I loved meeting and learning about the other new characters, especially the Yaoqing trio because they’re simply precious and I adore them all so much, but Feixiao just hit different for me in a way where I haven’t been this excited for character in a long time. She would no doubt be my favorite if Serval didn’t already exist.

I don’t know exactly why, but for some reason this frame reminds me of that one Jojo meme:

“Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?" "I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer."

Ah right, at this point the boss battle already happened, yeah? I don’t have much to say about it either, which is odd.. all things considered. It didn’t give me any trouble either, thankfully. I don’t really remember the battle theme they used though, which is a bit of a letdown after leaving Penacony with Aventurine & Sunday’s boss themes in mind. I was expecting another bop of a soundtrack but oh well. I’ll have to go back and listen to it again. Perhaps I was just too focused on Feixiao to notice. That must be it. When that girl takes the jacket off then you know things are about to get serious.

The final slash of the battle axe after she and Hoolay charged straight at each other gives such anime fight scene vibes and I’m totally okay with it. Congrats on defeating your inner demon, sweetie.

Aww the kiddos. Props to them for standing up against Feixiao (and surviving) while helping her return to reality.

GOD that smile of hers is so soft and precious AAAHH. She’s so proud and thankful for their assistance and sorry for putting that kind of pressure on them.

DANGER! The happy feelings are effectively nonexistent and all I feel now is sheer PANIC. You can’t even give me a moment to relax huh, Hoyo?? Pretty sure I audibly gasped upon reading those last couple words.

Yeah it’s great that us and Moze were able to find Jiaoqiu wherever he was left to die, but to cut to this scene with Lingsha & Dan Heng right after was such a dirty move, like I’m already so worried about our foxian and now we gotta try and focus on something completely different? Aaahh.. I feel so bad because I’m sure finding out who orchestrated the prison break and their reasons for doing so were important to the plot but I just couldn’t find it in myself to care at this moment.

I did love seeing Dan Heng summon Cloud Piercer to attack this dude and send him flying into the wall. The scene happened so darn quick I couldn’t even manage to snag a decent screenshot, but what I enjoyed even more was Dan Heng getting smart with him by saying the rules preventing this man from getting hurt while at this location don’t exactly apply to him. I’m gonna chalk this up as another time we’re a bad influence on our companion. “Rules are made to be broken” after all.

Again, I wish I paid more attention to that last scene but I was way too concerned about Jiaoqiu and the aftermath of the boss battle to not speed through it. Anyways, one more post to go.