#sorry for any mistakes it is 1am and I probably should wait to post this until I feel up to proofreading it but. don't wanna <3

[toomanywols]

Ask and ye shall receive

💗💖

~@fatewalker-phoenix

Aaahhhh thank you!! And great choices, I really like the contrast here >:3c Again I'm going to default to L'yara/Oboro since you didn't send a ship. This follows the rough draft I have written of their confession scene, most of which I'm going to leave out for the sake of keeping this short and sweet, but I'll publish the whole thing… eventually™

I combined both prompts into one fic so while it does start off very soft it does get more spicy toward the end! I did consciously try to keep it not too explicit, however; I think the "hot and heavy" part of the second prompt is the best descriptor. Short and sweet I say, but this ended up being roughly 1100 words.

💗 slow kiss / gentle kiss / inevitable / soft 💖 rough kiss / hot and heavy / making out

"Let there be no more uncertainty, then," L'yara said. She slipped down from the rocky ledge and into the shallow waters of the hot springs, empty save for the two of them. Perched on her knees in front of Oboro, she reached out with one hand, gently cupping his cheek so he held her gaze as she confessed, "Oboro, I have wanted to kiss you for longer than I care to admit. Would you allow me to finally do so?"

The blush that rose to the man's cheeks had little to do with the heat of the water or the steam surrounding them. With a skittish laugh, Oboro replied, "I would never have stopped you."

L'yara leaned forward, using her hand on Oboro's cheek to pull him in until their lips met. The first kiss was timid and brief; both of them testing the waters, a mere press of lips against each other. The angle was wrong, and L'yara lifted herself up to better match his height as she slid in closer, planting her knees on either side of where his calves folded beneath his thighs.

Their lips met again, the better angle allowing for a surer, but still gentle, kiss. Oboro's hands came to rest on L'yara's hips, but she could feel the hesitation in his movements. She rubbed soft lines across his cheek with her thumb, encouraging him, as his lips began to move against hers. She matched his movements gladly, lifting her free hand from the water to wrap around the side of his neck, gently pulling him closer, deeper into the kiss. Oboro exhaled a soft moan against her lips, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her tight against his chest, and L'yara chuckled into the kiss. 

"Sorry," Oboro huffed, pulling back just far enough to rest his forehead against L'yara's. His fingertips dug into her sides, insistent but not painful. "I have wanted this for... so long."

"There’s no need to be sorry," L'yara assured, “for I have as well.” Her thumb caressed his cheek once more, her eyes meeting his gentle gaze. “My life may pull me in many different directions, but if I were to have one wish, it would be that fate always pulls me back to you.” Oboro let out a disbelieving huff of laughter, his hands roaming up L’yara’s back.

“It seems almost ludicrous now,” he murmured, “to have wasted years worrying about the potential hardships which romantic entanglement might bring… only to realize the moment I have you in my arms, that I would brave them all gladly if it meant I could have this with you whensoever I wished.”

L’yara laughed, and Oboro’s smiling lips met her own again. Her arms snaked around his shoulders, one hand combing through the hair at the nape of his neck, encouraging him as he pressed closer. L’yara teasingly licked at his lips, and Oboro chased her tongue with his own, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. L'yara hummed in approval as she gently sucked at his tongue, causing Oboro to moan into her mouth once more. The tip of her tongue swirled around his and then she sucked at it again, a mischievous curl to her lips as she continued to tease him. To her surprise, Oboro retaliated by leveraging his arms around her waist to pull her down onto his lap, sending waves crashing through the water around them. The kiss broke with matching gasps from them both, the thin fabric of their bathing clothes doing little to hide the evidence of how she affected him. 

“I hadn’t intended to get you so riled up,” L’yara teased, settling into his lap and squeezing her legs against his hips for good measure. She pressed a quick kiss to his lips, pulling back with a smirk when he tried to capture her lips once more.

“How could you not?” he asked, pressing forward to chase down another kiss. “I told you earlier, it has not been easy for me to resist your temptations.” 

L’yara leaned back as far as she could with his arms still around her waist, disengaging her own arms from around his neck. Slowly, deliberately, she ran her fingertips over his shoulders, down his chest, her eyes following their movements until she reached his waist, then flicking back up to meet his hungry gaze with her own.

“Then it’s about time you stopped resisting.”

With a deftness that shouldn't have surprised her, Oboro spun them around and bent her back, laying her out across the ledge she'd been seated on earlier. He'd braced one arm across her back and the other hand at the back of her head to prevent her hitting the stone too harshly, and slowly withdrew them to set her down gently. Her legs fell to the sides beneath the rippling waters, giving him plenty of room to press in closer. Leaning his weight on his forearms, now braced against the stone to either side of L'yara's head, and with L'yara's arms wrapping around his neck to pull him in, Oboro captured her lips in another, more heated kiss.

Clawed fingertips scratched at Oboro's back as mouths moved together harshly, tongues entangling, pants of breath escaping their lips wherever they could. There was no more testing, no more teasing - nothing but the tension built up from years of want. L'yara wrapped her legs around Oboro's waist, urging him in closer, moaning into the kiss at the feeling of him against her. Oboro echoed her with a groan, the noise muffled by the urgency with which their lips sought each other out.

A clatter of movement and the sound of voices moderately nearby startled the pair apart; it seemed there were other late-night visitors to the hot springs getting undressed in the changing room at the entrance. L'yara and Oboro righted themselves before any witnesses could come around the corner, casting each other embarrassed glances and shy smiles that didn't match their dilated pupils, flushed cheeks, and swollen lips. They'd been so caught up in each other, they'd both forgotten they were still in public. Given her past experiences with the Sekiseigumi, L'yara doubted they looked kindly upon public indecency.

They exchanged polite yet impersonal nods with their fellow patrons, who thankfully sat a polite and impersonal distance from them, in a spring a few tiers below. As casually as she could manage, L'yara said, "It's getting late. Perhaps we should retire to the inn?" She waggled her eyebrows at him, hoping to make her intentions clear after their years of miscommunication.

"Yes," Oboro agreed, one hand gripping at L'yara's thigh beneath the water. "I do believe that would be best."

[ubemango]

commission 4: slow burn/best friends/college au w/  jin

(+or: we’re best friends and you’re literally So Great and i suck at knowing what i want but anyway i’m starting to think i like you ??????? au)

note 1: For my very very sweet and understanding friend @yeuj​ who helped me out when I needed it most .... I hope you enjoy 🥺🥺💕!!!!!! And thank you to Micah + Clove for helping me with my questions—thank you for your thoughtfulness, insight, and love!!!!! 🌷🌷🌷

note 2: I tried to make ramen-making as unboring as possible but it really is just....water and spice. If you’re confused about eating ramen at convenience stores please search that up on Youtube, I’ve exhausted my link resource skills (except for when I want you to listen to songs.) Also, the songs I mention are titanic/the end by cehryl and Subside by Eloise. I actually listened to Sweet Night on repeat while writing this so if u wanna listen to that... ;_;

note 3: everything about this story is in medias res. I realized I had no proper beginning or conclusion and I didn’t wanna change the flow of the story by concretely adding one or the other... so if the story feels incomplete/fragmented then please understand that this was a conscious and intentional decision done on my part :,) It’s slow burn!!!! I Love you ha ha!!

(i)

The library is open twenty four hours. The convenience store in the student centre is not.

“Please use your car,” you assert.

Seokjin huffs. “Then pay for my gas.”

It’s an empty threat. He’s got no business driving hard bargains when he has capital in the form of a rich CEO dad. He ignores your glaring, calmly closing his laptop, shoving it into his bag. Closing up shop after a derivative crisis you’d called him up for because he lives on campus, plus he never sleeps early. You appreciate that he gives into you so easily.

“Fine.”

So you go, searching for a convenience store that has those instant noodles you suddenly came up with a craving for this late at night. Seokjin’s used to it by now. You get things done when you want to, even if it means making a home of the pillowy chairs in the library you’d claimed for studying purposes.

The mathematical theory of chaos. You don’t want to think about it, and you click your seatbelt with a yell, throw your bag in the backseat with as much strength your anger allows for. “I hate school!”

“Please don’t scream in the car.”

“I hate it!”

Seokjin slots the key in. “Can you look up where the convenience store is?”

He tosses you his phone to unlock. You jab at the screen with more grumbling and colourful cursing, pulling up whatever Google Maps says is the nearest store open.

“Plug in the AUX cord,” Seokjin urges next. He merges into traffic, which is really only one car and the late night bus. A quiet night for your suffering.

“Can I play my—“

“Nope.” You sneer. Tapping open his playlists, you pass under orange lamp post after orange lamp post and scroll in silence before Seokjin groans. “I made a new playlist, pick that one.”

“What’s it called?”

You can see that he’s stiffened up. You don’t comment. “The one with the three heart emojis.”

Simple enough. You don’t care to sift through the songs, and the first one plays with one more indulgent tap of the screen.

Why don’t you tell her? I think you should. You know how you’re feeling, you can’t fight the truth…

Google interrupts the soft voice with the indication of the next right. Seokjin eases on the gas pedal. You watch him nod his head to the softness of the stereo. “I can’t pay for your gas.”

“I know you can’t.”

“I can pay for your ramen,” you suggest. Seokjin makes a quiet noise, like he’s amused by your generosity, or maybe he just thinks you’re dumb. You think it’s the latter.

“I don’t want you to pay for my ramen.”

“Then what do you want?”

The lamp post light striking Seokjin’s face gives way to the harsh red of the stoplight. In the stillness, he sends you a hard look. It makes you feel weirdly vulnerable, like he’s stripped you bare.

To make things worse, Seokjin says:

“Nothing you don’t want to give me.”

He doesn’t heed your confusion because he presses on the gas, looks straight ahead. You do too, and you try not to contemplate the cool brevity of his attention you suddenly want back. You push your uncertainty aside.

(He has a handsome face, you think.)

Seokjin interrupts, “So why’d you wait till now to study?”

“You know me.” Procrastination. The complete and utter mistake of underestimating the allotted time needed to get a successful grasp of concepts for your midterm. In not so convoluted terms, this class sucks ass.

“Yeah but that was—a lot of notes.”

It was. You probably pushed five weeks of material in the span of three hours. You can feel the very tips of your nervous system frying up as you pass through gas station-lit intersections. But there’s a real answer to his question, and you have the intense need to curl in on yourself in this leather seat.

“Well I would have started yesterday, but I was busy,” you counter.

“With what?”

“So you know Hyukjae from Psych?”

Seokjin pauses to listen to Google’s instructions, and immediately makes a left onto another main intersection. “Sure.”

“We went out yesterday,” you admit.

He hums a tight sound, tapping on the wheel. “Hm. How’d it go?”

It wasn’t bad. You shared butter tarts and laughed at his anecdotes and Hyukjae-from-Psych paid for your Uber home. He gave you a very weak hug before you slipped into the car. It was in that seat you’d decided you wouldn’t be sending him an I had fun! text that night.

“It was okay. Like, nice to me and stuff. But nothing…”

“…Worth revisiting.”

“Sure,” you mimic, and you wonder why he’s right.

“The guy’s okay,” he says. Almost like it’s with relief. “It’s—not to sound rude, but. Uh. I think it’s, uh—good. That you weren’t… interested.”

You think he’s gripping the steering wheel a little too tight. “Why?”

“Can’t trust guys with bad handshakes.” Seokjin chances a glance at you, and laughs at the confused scrunch of your eyebrows. “I met him during that networking conference in third year. Limp-wristed me. Like a chump.”

“Ew.” You can’t say he’s wrong. That hug Hyukjae gave you really was weak. The dude has noodles for arms. “But yeah, I guess you’re right. Wasn’t really my type.”

“Hm,” is all Seokjin comes up with. You watch him pass right through the turn Google tells him to take. “Oh shit. Sorry. I’m just. Thinking. About… limp… men.”

You snort. “What?”

“Like a man. A limp man. Hyukjae. Not me,” he clarifies fast—proudly— “just. Anyway! Back to you saying what your type was.”

“I wasn’t,” you accuse.

“Yeah well now I’m asking because I don’t wanna think about limp men. Your type, please.”

He sounds weirdly inquisitive. Demanding, almost. You chalk it up to the near-delirium of being awake past 1AM.

“I—don’t know,” you start. Somehow you feel like you’re messing something up. “He was kind, I like… kind. And soft. Sweet. You know Kim Taehyung? From Neuro? Like, almost big shoulders but not really. I like big shoulders. Yeah. Guys like Kim Taehyung-ish.”

Seokjin just hums again. There’s another song playing, and you don’t know how many you’ve rotated through in this playlist. You didn’t think it’d take this long to get to the store.

Google says it’s just two minutes away now. Seokjin says, “Cool,” and then sings along to the stereo.

You got me losing sleep over you… I usually sit still but now I can’t help but move… When I see you, I don’t know what to do…

(ii)

“Spicy or not spicy?”

“Whatever keeps my stomach lining intact,” Seokjin says.

You don’t say anything more and grab two of whatever ramen packaging isn’t scarily red. The convenience store is void of any customers, and the cashier rings you up with a very sour face for interrupting the show he’s got playing on his phone. His face shrivels up even more because all you can pay with is coins. Seokjin laughs behind you when you apologize for clattering the dimes too harshly on the counter.

“Enjoy,” the cashier announces, and he doesn’t mean it one bit.

The hot water machine at the back is a very intimidating thing next to the tiny display of cookies.  Too many buttons and knobs you don’t understand, so Seokjin takes on the chivalric role and prepares everything for you. He rips the plastic open with gentle hands. Dumps the powder with too much conviction.

You both watch the water stream hot into the noodles. “Do you like macadamia nuts in your cookies?”

“I guess,” you say.

“Wanna split a cookie?” He hands you chopsticks to stir the ramen with, gestures at the cookie display with a jut of his chin.

“Are you paying?”

“Can you imagine if I made you pay after I asked to split,” Seokjin spits at you. “Yes I’m paying.”

“Then I want chocolate chip.”

He freezes, then jabs smartly at his noodles for a tense ten seconds.

“You make me mad,” he finally answers. “Should we eat in the car?”

“The bowl is too hot to hold.”

The counter at the window it is. You’re sad that you didn’t buy pickled radish, but your coin purse has weeped all its coinage out. Seokjin leaves you as Noodle Guard, going off to pay for that bonus cookie with a crumpled five. In the next second you contemplate the evaporation of ramen soup, the cookie is duly dumped right next to you, and Seokjin takes a huge bite of what still appears to be extremely hot noodles.

He promptly chokes, and makes sputtering noises.

“Holy shit,” Seokjin cries.

You take a much, much slower bite. “You’ll be fine.”

“I thought I could be cool for you,” he cries some more.

“You don’t need to be cool for me. Who eats ramen in a cool way?”

Seokjin nods his approval, that tear of theatrics sliding down his cheekbone. He eats carefully. A noisy car roils on outside, and passes quickly outside your periphery.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” you remember to say.

“I love standing at counters and eating things hot,” Seokjin retorts. He dodges the fist you aim at his abdomen with swift ease. “It’s no problem.”

“I—“ You don’t really know why but you need to talk. “You know—you’re really, um, kind.”

Foolery. Absolute foolery that sentence was, and the cashier probably heard that foolery, and Seokjin definitely heard that absolute foolery, and he’s laughing. Like really laughing, caught with the noodles dangling from in-between his teeth. That’s all you had to say? The guy drove you out to get cup noodles out of his own volition. That’s kindness maxed out, and he deserves better than you fumbling between your teeth. Your nerves have fried up so bad, you guess.

Seokjin’s giggles dwindle down. “Thanks,” he says, smiling small.

You blame the heat of your cheeks from the heat of your soup.

Neither of you are desperate to get to that last quarter of noodles to broth ratio. The knots of your shoulders loosen with the sound of your slurping combined, and silently you are reminded of Seokjin’s warmth, standing so close to you.

The easiest path to a nice ending involves a happy belly and Seokjin driving you home with nothing more than a goodbye and a thank-you as you slam the car door shut. This is not unknown to you, because you and Hyukjae-from-Psych took that easy path yesterday.

You just don’t do this often, contemplating all the routes of romance. When is it appropriate to laugh at a joke, to wipe your mouth on the napkin? To smile and peel at your heart and grant that person access to all your inner workings? You belatedly notice that Seokjin did not bring napkins.

(The moment in the car—nothing you don’t want to give me—you want to laugh at his jokes, and smile, peel and peel and peel at your heart, but slowly. Slowly, you put your chopsticks down.)

How funny it is to come to very sound conclusions within a split second, because all you know is that it feels good, being with him like this.

Seokjin, in your quiet realization, takes it upon himself to decide the cookie-eating rights.

“Want the first bite?” He asks, propping the chopsticks horizontally on his bowl.

You nod. Desperately you try not to look at him because you might make more realizations, and you don’t think you’re ready for any more unleashed and unknown emotions. “Please.”

He gives it to you. The right side decidedly has more chocolate chips, and  it’s a very nice explosion on your tongue. So nice you groan into it. “Oh that’s really good.”

He snatches the cookie away before you can take another bite. “I get bigger bites because I paid for it.”

“That—? Uh, that’s not how sharing works.”

“Yes it does,” Seokjin argues. But he just takes as normal a bite as ever. You can’t say you don’t focus on his mouth for too long, though—

—And you immediately seize up at the thought. Horrified, you shriek: “Actually just—have the rest of it!”

He looks alarmed. “O…kay?”

“You’ve got a nice mouth,” you blurt out next.

An absolutely awful feeling settles heavy in your stomach. Because almost immediately you realize that this is a kind and soft boy with nice anecdotes that have yet to be uncovered this night (he likes telling you stories) and he’s got wider shoulders than Kim Taehyung and you’re not sharing butter tarts but you’re sharing a cookie with him.

Another realization: does Seokjin have limp arms?

He puts the cookie down. (His arm looks very strong, doing that.) “I—thanks?”

“I think I’m losing my mind,” you note.

He watches you slump over the counter. Purposefully burying your face in your elbows to muffle your betraying mouth. “It’s late,” is all he says.

“Did that make you uncomfortable?”

“Not at all.” You don’t think you’re breathing. Your lungs have evaporated, like those steamy ramen noodles you just ate. Seokjin probably notices you’ve stopped moving, so he says, “Really.”

“Okay.”

“Did it—did it make you uncomfortable?”

“Not at all,” you say.

“Cool. Do you wanna go—“

You stand up straight, grab all your garbage before he finishes. You don’t look at him. “Yep, yep, please.”

(iii)

He puts the key in the ignition, and doesn’t budge.

“Somehow I feel like you wanna say something else,” Seokjin says.

You curl your hands into fists. “It’s late.”

“I’m aware.”

“I’m—I’m sorry.” You are acutely aware of how garbled you must sound. It’s starting to get on your nerves, how flimsy you’re being. “I’m not… thinking.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re being pretty articulate for someone with an empty brain.”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Seokjin sighs.

The seat squeaks where you tense up. “I don’t want to think about your mouth.”

“Do you wanna know what I think?” You nod. Jesus. You’ll just let him do the talking from now on because your tongue can’t be trusted this early in delirium, late in the hour. “I—I…”

Seokjin struggles some more, then deflates. He starts laughing.

“I… don’t drive just anyone out to convenience stores at two in the morning for ramen. You have to know that.” He clears his throat. His eyes are shiny with the harsh glare of neon signs. “I guess I just—wanna know… what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking…” Your lips part. Searching for words feels like a physical thing—your stomach is swimming with what feels like a billion thoughts but nothing comes up for air. “I’m thinking I—don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

Seokjin turns to look at you. “I won’t make fun,” he whispers.

“I think. I think, you look—um—really… Good. Um. R-Really… good, right now.”

“Thanks.” He looks up like he wants to say something but his eyes harden where he gazes, locking in on the dust motes of the windshield. Your lungs swell small in the quietude. “I think you really look good, too.”

If baser compliments already have you burning then you don’t know what you’d do if he tried anything more romantically complex. Some people are meant for loud love stories and grand gestures and you—all you can do is think too much and you want to say more but Seokjin understands. He understands your silence, your ineptitude.

In a fit of controlled passion, you reach over the console, grasping at his knuckles till he flips his palm right into yours.

“Feels… ”

You wait for something to come to mind. A phrase, a proper thought to give utterance to, all the failures and successes of the night. Faithfully, nothing comes.

It just feels.

And Seokjin seems to agree. He holds tight between the grooves of your fingers.

“You’re very pretty and it hurts,” he says, and he doesn’t try to meet your gaze, and one feeling comes resolute: it feels right.

[thisgoldenafternoon]

Coincidence, you said??

Hey there, I'm back with another rant (rambling, whatever I don’t care) this time on a panel of VnC, that probably made many a heart flutter.

I'm talking about this panel from Memoir 14:

This post will contain spoilers for VnC so far and Pandora Hearts. Turn away now, you have been warned. It’s also gonna be long as fuck...

And therefore I can hardly believe, that this special pannel, should have been nothing but fanservice or a lumpish reference to PH. No way.

Why would she even choose theese alias? For aforementioned reasons? I highly doubt it. Bitch, please, this is MoshiJun-sensei, after all. Give her some credit.

So I thought about it and various things crossed my mind.

Please note: the following is nothing but me rambling about some vague parallels and thoughts, that popped right into my head at 1am right after reading Memoir 14, that I only now found time to put into words.

(Btw, english isn’t my mother toungue so please bear with mistakes and weird grammar)

(And would you look at this, it’s nearly 1am again... did I mention that I gotta go to work at 7:30 am tomorrow? Today??? Well, as soon as the alarm rings, anyways)

So first of all... I think that when we look back at that scene from a later point in the story we might realize just how much of a foreshadowing she's been giving us here. From what we've learnt in the last arc we can already draw many parallels between those characters.

Let's start with Vincent and Vanitas, shall we?

Both of them are considered harbingers of bad luck, Vince as a child of misfortune for that red eye of his, Vanitas for been kin of the blue moon and therefore associated with the curse of Bloom Vanitas. Both of the symbols of misfortune are closely linked to the cirumstances of their births and a certain colour, but that just seems to be the way MochiJun rolls.

Although we still don't know much about Vanis early childhood, it's stated that he, too, is an orphan who'd been abused and manipulated.

Also, Vanitas seems to blame himself heavily for the (still unknown fate) of Nr. 71, who'd referred to him as “Oni-chan”. Whether they're blood relatives or not matters little, as I'm sure he has as big a brother complex as Vincent had.

It's further hinted that Vani caused someone's death, and boy isn't that true for Vincent as well (no it's absolutely not, for the poor little sinnamon roll had been fucking manipulated by Jack and was just trying to save the only person he's ever loved and vice versa... So the precious child actually did nothing wrong. Still a lot of people died in the aftermath of his deeds and it haunted him ever since. I guess it'll turn out to be a similar story with Vanitas.)

From the general characteristics we've been shown thus far, even more parallels arise. Both characters are emotionally and physically traumatized, abused and mistreated, and therefore act distant, happy-go-lucky and sometimes ruthless.

They don’t value their lifes, either, and have been ready to give up on themselves multiple times.

Neither of them can deal with open affection and care, for they don't consider themselves worthy of it and refuse to view the people around them as more than mere pawns.

This behaviour is also mirrored in how they treat women- both act chivalrous, flirtatious and deeply committed on the outside, but who's gonna by this, I ask?? It’s all but an act serving an ulteriour motive.

In general, both seem to look for atonement and forgiveness. This was what saved Vincent in the end, and I'll be damned, if it won't save Vanitas, as well. Just think about Noe's words at the end of Memoir 18. Now we'll just have to wait and see, what kind of salvation that'll turn out to be.

Which leads me to the next part... (please bear with me, who ever reads this till the end get's all my gratitude and a years worth of fictional cookies).

Noe and Gil... frankly I didn't find as many parallels here, as with the previous two, but some still came to mind. (If any of you guys has something to add, please message me, I'm dying to hear your thoughts)

First thing here again is both of them being orphans with a somewhat tragic past, that still turned out to be the most precious cinnamon rolls.

Both have a strong need to protect and act as a shield due to certain physical traits (Gil was able to take more or less any hit due to being a Baskerville, while Noe is a fucking Vampire).

The two of them are also portrayed as more or less naïve and sometimes simple minded, yet head strong and generally kind hearted.

We know, that Gilbert's mind has been manipulated and tempered with and that he was bound to his master's will and frankly, I wouldn't be too surprised if that turned out to be true for Noe as well. His “teacher” is shady as fuck.

By the way, Noe had been more than once shown with hands reaching out for him from the shadows in official art...

Like here, e.g.:

In this case those are specifically his teacher's hands. You know who else had often been shown like that? Oz. And Gilbert. In Oz's case those hands longing for him represent Jack, in Gil's case Glen Baskerville. (Sorry, can't find the pic I'm looking for right now... Oh wait... there it is:

This might be a little far fetched, but maybe it's a hint, that Noe as well is bound tightly by his past? Maybe he, too, is a vessel for some ominous entity?? We'll know for sure some day.

I guess I could pull some more things out of my arse right now, but it's getting late on my end and this post is already sooo fucking long.  (Sorry, not sorry.) But I think I got the major issues covered.

So, if you've read all of this: Here is your cookie! You're a precious being and deserve all the love you can get!

That's it guys, TGA.

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

(Ice) Princess, Part 4

Title: (Ice) Princess, Part 4.

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Type: Fluff, minimal angst

Rating: PG

Word Count: 2,277

Links to:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 

A/N: Hope you all have been well! Sorry I’ve been a bit less active this week- I was traveling for the long holiday weekend here in the U.S. I’m expecting to write one more installment of Ice Princess, but fear not! I have a couple of other fics in the works, including a Yoongi fluff I’ve started, and a Memekook story (already written) that I’m not sure what to do with. Why does he have to be like that?!? I also have notes and brainstorms for a Jimin gang!au fluff/comedy (gang fluff? not sure how this will work) so that’s further down the road. Anyway, without further ado, please enjoy Ice Princess Part 4, and as always let me know if you have comments, feedback or just want to chat  ❤️.  I know literally nothing about farming, so hopefully my untruths aren’t too jarring 🐴🐮🐷

A/N Note 2: It’s 1AM but I wanted to post. I will update with edits as needed. Sorry in advance for any mistakes- I wanted to be on schedule for all of you lovelies!

It was your second full day of the week in Daegu, and if the producers had been planning for drama or to make you a caricature of a city slicker, well, then they were going to be sorely disappointed. The “rise with the sun and set with the sun” mentality of the farm was nothing compared grueling schedule that you had been keeping for the company forever. And while it was true that you weren’t the strongest physically, having been at a desk most of your life, your work ethic made up for the lack of upper body strength. Working on the farm was practically a vacation compared to your days at home. The first day had been the camera crews filming scenery shots, basic introductions, and generally just getting settled in. Tae also gave you a tour of the city proper of Daegu, the camera crews of course zooming in anytime his hand rested on your shoulder or he leaned in closer than was strictly necessary to  “whisper” some little known fact in your ear. You felt yourself warming to him once again (honestly, it was impossible not to), while berating yourself internally. You didn’t want to “be fooled twice” as the saying went, but you also couldn’t fully deny the spark of hope that you two could be friends (or maybe more).

Whatever your complicated feelings were toward Tae, his family was nothing but hospitable and kind. While it was true that their family was a bit more traditional, they treated you like a daughter and welcomed you with open arms. Luckily, you had refined your etiquette from years of business meetings, and meeting his parents went off without a hitch. They knew it was for a show, and were perplexed by the ever-present cameras, but it didn’t change the welcome that you had received. His mother kept offering you more food, and his father kept telling cheesy jokes and reminiscing about Tae as a baby. You could see so much of Tae in each of them-it was clear that he had absorbed so much of each of their personalities and loved them dearly. For their part, they were overjoyed to see Tae, and kept asking him questions about his life there-whether the other members were treating him well, how they were all doing, whether he was eating enough.  You were happy to sit back and just watch their interactions. Even though your family had come from a different background, his family reminded you so much of yours that you felt momentarily homesick. It was true that you were gone most of the day for filming or work, but you were always home at night. You couldn’t even remember the last time you traveled without them.

Those feelings passed and you were brought back to the present by one of Tae’s many small cousins. You were still learning all of their names, but this cousin in particular you remembered. Jeong Hwan, or  Jeong Hwannie, as you were already calling him. He was a spitting image of the picture of baby Tae his mother had shown you the other day. And somehow more than twice as energetic. His mother, Tae’s mother’s sister, was more than happy to let you take him off her hands in the afternoons, after you had finished your farm “chores.” You doubted his family would have let you do anything, but the producers insisted. Of course.

Jeong Hwan tugged at your leg, playing with the frayed edges of the denim around your kneecap.  The four-year old, impatient as ever, began talking at the speed of light. And he hadn’t even had any sugar yet today.

“Noona, what are we going to do today? We could build a fort, or play tag, or go exploring, and then later tonight WE CAN CATCH FIREFLIES!!!! And then you can read me SEVEN (!!!!) bedtime stories,” he said, holding up all ten fingers. “Don’t tell the adults, but secretly we won’t go to bed…” He looked at you, waiting for a scandalized face.

You laughed and scooped him up, nuzzling your nose into his fluffy hair. You weren’t generally this kid-oriented, but Jeong Hwan was just TOO cute. Maybe you hadn’t spent enough time around kids.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” you said, as the other cousins ran over. You set him back down, and a game of tag began. You tried to run slowly and tumble around, to give the kids a chance. As you looked over your shoulder to make sure the kids were still following you, you made the mistake of continuing to run forward and barreled straight into Tae. He staggered back from impact, but was able to remain standing, and his hands settled naturally on your hips.

He smirked at you. “Someone should watch where they’re running. You’re setting a bad example for the kiddos,” he joked.

Before you could come up with a witty response, Jeong Hwan was there, coming to your rescue. Oh how you loved that child.

“HYUNG,” he shouted “ARE YOU PLAYING TAG OR NOT? Because if you’re not, Noona is busy,” he said, puffing out his tiny chest authoritatively. Tae laughed at that, and the famous boxy smile made an appearance. Before Jeong Hwan had time to escape, he was experiencing a tickle attack for the ages. Both boys were laughing, and you stood there feeling uncharacteristically warm. The sun must be getting to you, you thought to yourself.

Jeong Hwan managed to escape Tae’s clutches for a brief moment, and both boys took off around the field, with Taehyung  animatedly falling further and further behind. Running and smiling with his family, Tae was absolutely ethereal. There was no other way to describe it. It wasn’t a cold perfection, but something earthy and glowing. You couldn’t tear your eyes away, or at least you couldn’t  until a cameraman stuck a camera in your face.

“A penny for your thoughts?” He had an inquiring look on his face, but you knew you had not choice but to answer. It was amazing that they had left you alone for that long. You sighed and turned to face him, mask falling back into place.

Later, after tag, building a fort, firefly catching, and, yes, bedtime stories (though it only took two until Jeong Hwan was asleep, much to his mother’s awe and eternal gratitude), you were exhausted, and collapsed into bed. You woke after what felt like minutes, but looked at your clock. 7:30 AM. You couldn’t remember the last time you had slept peacefully through the night. It was Day 3, and you knew that today would be a long day of work. One of the fields needed tilled so the soil could aerate, and the machine was broken, meaning the whole family was going to go out and do it manually. You saw clothes laid out at the foot of your bed. Your routine was much easier, since you were supposed to look “natural” during the Daegu trip, but you still felt it was weird that the producers were coming into your room at night, and laying out clothes. Did they know no boundaries? You pulled on an oversized white t-shirt with not-so-accidental holes, and a pair of light wash jeans with ripped knees again. What exactly did they think you would be doing today?

You walked out to the field where the others were already waiting. The producers had arranged it so that you and Tae would be on a “team” off by yourself. You weren’t sure if they were hoping for a fight or romantic *liaison* but you knew neither would happen. Tae was dead serious and extremely dedicated when it came to the well-being of his family, and you knew that you couldn’t distract him even if you tried. This newfound serious side was something that you found even more attractive-while you were perfectly capable of providing for your family, you admired someone who shared the same goal and who showed it in a tangible way.  You sighed, but before long all angsty thoughts left your head as you settled into a companionable silence and routine. An hour passed, and then two.

Tae didn’t look up until he passed you his water bottle. He let you drink first, and then took a long sip himself. Viewers would just love that, an indirect kiss. He paused before taking another sip. As he lowered the bottle, he stared at you some more, and then asked,

“Is there a reason you’re wearing my shirt?”

And here you thought that maybe, just maybe, he had been checking you out.

Rather than rat out the producers, which you knew would get cut anyway, you smiled sweetly, and came up with some lame excuse, which was probably what they wanted. “I didn’t want to get any of my shirts dirty. You should know how hard it is to clean Gucci,” you said tartly.

He gave you a strange look at the dig, and before you could say anymore, you got back to work. One step forward, two steps back. He settled in next to you, a little further away than before. As you both continued to dig, the sun rose higher in the sky, and before you knew it, you were slumped against your shovel/hoe/ or whatever the heck this item was. You had no idea. Before you could fully grasp what was going on, a wave of dizziness hit you and you collapsed into the dirt.

You awoke slowly, realizing that your head was against something soft and fluffy. It was the pillow in your bed. You could feel the cool touch of the sheets against your arms and legs, but your left side was over-warm. A small, muffled voice stopped your movements as you realized there was someone else in the bed with you.

“Noona, you’re too hot! It makes me scared” Jeong Hwan whimpered. You blinked and saw that he was curled up next to you.

“He’s been here the whole time,” a deep voice indicated. “A feat of strength for him,” the voice said, the edge of a laugh making itself known.

You blinked a few times and brought Tae’s face into focus.

“What happened?” you rasped. Your throat felt as dry as sandpaper.

“Too much sun exposure, and possible dehydration. I should have realized that a city slicker like you wouldn’t be able to keep up,” he said, teasing gently.

You rolled your eyes, and coughed a small cough. Before you could even ask, Tae held a glass of ice water to your lips. You took a small sip and laid back down. Your head was still spinning, and the room was tilting at multiple angles all at the same time, somehow.

“You sure know how to work the cameras,” you sighed, too disconcerted to be polite.

A hurt look crossed Tae’s face, but he didn’t say anything else.

“Noona, he locked the door right away! It’s only been me, him, and the family in here since you fell over!” Jeong Hwan shouted. You winced, mostly out of guilt. But also at the tiniest sense of betrayal that Jeong Hwan had taken Tae’s side.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled. “I shouldn’t have assumed. You’re just always so perfect and know what to say.”

That earned you the box smile. “You think I’m perfect? It must be more serious than I thought-you’re having delusions,” he joked.

“Maybe. It feels seriously delusional. I wanted to hate you ever since I took the fall for you six months ago, but it seems that I can’t.”

“What do you mean? I avoided you, thinking that it would eventually die down, but when I came back from tour it had been so long, and you had become some kind of cool, untouchable celebrity.”

You snorted at that. So much for the mood. “THE Kim Taehyung of BTS thinks I’m unapproachable? This is an interesting development. Well, while we’re laying it all out there, I didn’t actually want to be a celebrity-it just sort of happened. The reality show was the price I had to pay for covering up the photos, and it ended up just blowing up. Do you really think I wanted to be the Korean version of the Kardashians?”

Tae stared at you, a blank expression on his face. “I thought my company took care of the photos, which was another reason I kept my distance. They were pretty pissed after we got caught that day…. I had no idea.” He looked truly shocked, and your hear clenched at the months of misunderstandings. Why hadn’t you confronted him sooner and hashed it out then? All this time between the two of you, wasted.

Tae leaded over you, his chocolate eyes never wavering from your own. The two of you were cut from the same mold, and you knew that he understood, and appreciated, the sacrifices you had made for his career. Your hands became clammy, and you could feel your pulse everywhere. You knew what was about to happen, and were in denial until the very last second. Six months of missed connections were coming to an end. A millimeter from your face Tae froze.

“EWWWW, HYUNG. THIS IS SO GROSS! DON’T KISS!!!! NOONA, DON’T! I thought you were my girlfriend,” Jeong Hwan whined. Where did he even learn about these things? He was way too precocious for his own good. Both of you cracked up, and you knew the moment had passed. But there would be many more opportunities to come.

[hilmihisham]

#77 : Stupidity is incurable..

..but, stupids won’t catch cold either..

(Ah, that’s why lah I rarely had cold.. I see, I see..)

Yeah, trying to enlighten the mood a bit there, didn’t really work while I’m typing this..

It’s only Monday afternoon and I’ve already managed to flip up, fumble, wreck, ruin my day - you name it, it’s everything negative that you aren’t supposed to do at the start of the week.. I know, I shouldn’t be negative and not that I have any superstition or whatever to start the week badly and everything will go down the drain for the rest of the week. But think about it, if you already on the back foot as early as Monday morning, then the rest of your week will only be you playing catch up with your life again. It’s only just that, no superstition involved.

I’m stupid. It’s a well known fact, really (or even if it isn’t, it’s something that I’ve admitted to since long ago). But that’s not just a reason that I can just let everything bad happen, let it go and say “nah, I’m just stupid, that’s why la that happened..”. 

I still have that self-consciousness that I can say to myself clearly “no, this should not happened in the first place!”. (Oh yeah, on the side note, this piece is written with me having full consciousness. No subconscious writing in this one. I’m mad at myself right now that I can’t afford to be jilly-jolly at myself, whatever that means..). Think of that self-consciousness as like I can see myself from 3rd person perspective. If someone makes mistake over and over again, other people bound to be mad at that person. I feel like so, too. I’m hard at myself, yes, but I know that that’s what I need to be because if not, then only God know how much stupid I can be.

But, there’s only so many things that yo can do from outside. I see myself, I assess myself, I know I’m stupid (unbelievably so) and I need to change, but that’s it. It’s the same as our computer actually. Guest account can’t change anything inside the computer, it need Admin access in order to alter stuff. My self-conscious tells me to change and my stupid me can totally understand that, absorb that, know how severe the current condition is, but 3 seconds later I can also just brush it aside and just say “meh”. 

Third person me can access me and say “critical change needed ASAP!”. Stupid myself will reply “oh shit, this is totally important. So?”.

That’s why I said I’m stupid. 

As of right now, I can see the severity of this issue clearly, really. I need to change. But come several posts after this, I can also predict that I will still say “yeah, I’m stupid. Told ya before I’ll change but I’m still stupid..”.

I guess maybe banging my head on the floor several times could help. 

Now to properly assess myself :

Procrastinating is bad. Do work ASAP!

Sleep on time, wake up on time. 12am is a good point to turn off the lights, 1am is the end time for your eyes and fingers to be kissing that touchscreen. Sleep, bodoh!

You don’t have that much of a horsepower to pedal the bicycle like it has some engine on it. Get out early!

Kau bodoh. Belajar!

..and several (read :  lot more) other stuff..

I can read that list over and over but I know I can still manage not to change myself. 

Change is not an easy thing. You’ve fallen into your comfort bubble, and even if you know it’s not the best bubble, you still feel comfort enough. Why bother? Right?

I know, I need to start small, and try to make it continuous. At the end, I can come out being better that what I’ve used to. I think I can manage to do that.

But, after reading all this, maybe you’ll wonder “he knew all the stuff already, like which part he need to improve and what the step he need to take to change. So, how com he’s still be the same day after day?”

“Well duh, I’m stupid okay..”

There’s several stuff that I’ve said to myself before coming here in LA - no matter how big or how small the degree is, the me after grad and coming back must be better than the me when my feet didn’t touch Malaysian ground anymore; and I’m me and that will never change. Well, the second one was more about my physical, my appearance and what makes me, me but yeah, those 2 were undeniably contradict one another. 

Maybe those two parameters makes it harder to me to change myself but that’s not the reason I’ll use. I mean, I know it myself for circa a year and a half I’ve been here already, I didn’t change at all (if not digressing or stepping backwards). 

I hate myself. I do.

I remember hearing something along the lines of “don’t put your happiness on other people” and “how people look at you don’t determine your happiness”. Well, I kinda agree to it somehow - I already have this mindset since long ago that I sort of don’t really bother what others said about me as long as I think that I’m doing the right thing. And by the right thing, I mean it as what my 3rd person said that that’s the right thing, not my own judgement of the right thing. Well, my 3rd person is still me but you get the point (right?). 

And I know that right now (the very reason of what makes me to write and bust out all these stuff) I’m not doing the right thing. I need to change but changes is hard but I can try bit by bit but I’ll naturally just brush it all aside again and I’m stupid and I hate that about me and what the hell me just be better than before okay damnit?! 

Oh, at this point I remembered something about changing ourselves to be more positive by changing “I’m sorry” to “thank you”. They give the example that instead of saying “sorry for being late”, say “thanks for waiting” and it can somehow make the other person to think more positively and you can get that positive vibe by it. Or something like that.

Well, it depends on the situation, I think. I mean, if I’m late at things that I’m not supposed to be late, I’ll say “sorry” just to emphasize “yes I know it’s all my fault” instead of “thank you” that makes me feel it more like “ah thank you for being on time but wait for me anyway”. Maybe it differs from person to person viewing this but for me, as I’m harsh to myself, that “thank you” things just looks like it’s making light of the other person really. I can’t really put my thoughts into words for this thing. Maybe it’s like having a light laughter at the other person like “hahaha thank you for waiting” or something like that - seems to me that I’m seeing the issue of being late as nothing at all, like it’s a normal thing to be late or something like that.. 

Ah, maybe I just get the wrong advise of how to be positive after all..

I’m seeing myself negatively because I’m harsh at myself - I need to because I lacked discipline. I know it all but I’m still like this. How more stupid can I be, right?

And after writing all of this stuff, I do feel like I can put aside all this stuff and go on my life like I’ve always been. 

I’m helpless, huh? Can someone just punch me in the face, really? I need it. 

I know from the start that I can’t change. Heck, I do feel like crying looking at myself. Ugh!

Who said study overseas is all fun and joy? I’m miserable over here.

And I know after typing all this, I’ll go back home and unbox my Nintendo Switch that I just got a text that it finally have arrived at my house right now and be all happy again. Hahaha..

I can’t stay depressed for a long period of time - not sure if that’s a good point of me or not.. Laughter is a best medicine and I mudah terhibur..

I probably need to find another way to change myself. Nothing will work if I continue the same path like what I’ve written up so far.

Yeah, that’ll be my conclusion. 

(I don’t know how the tone of this text will be to you but know that I wrote this all while feeling depressed. If all of these seems like a heavy stuff to you and yet you still keep reading up to this point, I thank you really.. (and no, this is not that sorry-thank you thing earlier, I legit thanking you))

[moidse]

Dear ****— I just finished watching big brother and putting pain ointment on my back and I miss you. I read your email from six months ago, and I see all of the hurt that was and is still there. I’m sorry that I played into existing issues and further broke your trust, and I understand if you have trouble trusting me again. I sincerely hope that we can find a way to rebuild it, and I am willing to put in all of the work to make that happen. You once messaged me saying you wanted me to feel fully loved, and I want that so much for you. I love you so much I feel like it doesn’t even translate, but I want you to know and feel it all the time, and I want to know how you are best loved. I want you to feel happy and safe, because you make me feel happy and safe. I remember when I was reading that attachment theory book that they talked about physical stress lessening when you are with a partner, and that is definitely true when I am with you. I just love being with you. I love your jokes, and how you make me try to laugh, and I love hearing your ideas—it was so nice to hear some of them Friday night, and so sweet that it made you happy I wanted to listen to them. Of course I want to listen to them. I support you and your work, and I want to be there for you—not just creatively, but emotionally, socially, and physically too. I have never opened up so much to someone, and it makes me feel so good when you open up to me too. It is so good to be near you. I love when I’m making heart-eyes at you and you make heart-eyes back at me—I hope you know what I mean; that soft look of being in love. I want to thank you for showing up so hard for me the past few weeks—you have really been there for me while I’m upset and confused, and have kept me more grounded and calm. I truly appreciate the work that you’ve put into making me feel that way—it’s a big deal to me. I don’t know what I would do without you as a support, and I hope that you feel as supported by me as I do by you. I am so, so sorry for what I did six months ago. It was inexcusable, inconsiderate, thoughtless, rude, and hurtful. I hurt you, and I am so sorry that I did. It hurts me when you hurt. I said this back in our first email exchange about this, but it wasn’t ok for me to rush you into a conversation over the phone when you had told me that you wanted to have it over email. It also wasn’t ok to ignore your discomfort on the phone, which I did with my actions. That crossed a boundary, and I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening to you. Since then, I have tried to show up for you and listen to you, and to pay closer attention to your boundaries and needs. Your needs and feelings are so important to me, and it is inexcusable that I didn’t take them into consideration—over the course of being non-monogamous, I feel like I did this several times, and I understand how this fed into a pattern of mistrust, and echoed the experiences you had in the past. I hope I have shown that this relationship is not like those past ones—that your needs are respected and important.  I just want you to feel secure and safe, which is why I want to be monogamous, because it helps you to feel that way. Your security and happiness is really important to me.  I’m sorry that I threatened both of those things. It’s really unfair to you that my learning curve for non monogamy hurt you in the process, and I’m so sorry I subjected you to that. Like I said before, I fucked up several times by not clearly asking you your boundaries, in a forum you wanted to be asked. I learned so much over the course of that time, and have made it a priority to listen to your boundaries now. I will continue working on this—I don’t want you to feel stepped over ever again. I also am so sorry that I lied by omission for six months. I was scared and selfish, and that only hurt you further. I need to work on giving other people agency to make decisions about me, and that means being radically honest. I have not lied to you about anything else, and I will never lie again. I also am committed to working on putting your feelings before my fear/anxiety (and being honest about when that anxiety occurs, which you deserve). I love you so much, and that means being accountable and facing the consequences of my mistakes. I hope that those consequences include a continued relationship, but I understand—though I would be devastated—if they don’t. Regardless I am really committed to changing my behavior, and to putting your healing at the center of any next steps which come out of this. If you don’t want to respond to this email, I get it, and I am not trying to rush you. I just want to fully apologize and make it right. I’ll be available basically any time this week to talk, if you want to talk. I love you so much, *****

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It’s like this is nice that they sent this apology and acknowledged my pain and that what they did was selfish and not right but idk.. I don’t know if things can be rebuilt. I understand making a mistake, but waiting 6 months to say something hurts a lot too. there’s something ironic to me about me not feeling sexually compatible/satisfied in this relationship but you are the one who has gotten to date someone else and who cheated and made out with someone else. 

It sucks because we have built this relationship together. your my best friend. Even though you hurt me, it still was hard to see you so hurt last night. i feel bad because you are going through a lot right now. and thank you for acknowledging my support, i was really trying to be there for you. Idk i feel kind of silly trying to work things out. 

i have felt so upset and like just a punch in the gut all day. my mind was like in shock and i had waves of disbelief. I just never thought you were that type of person... the way you behaved that night... calling me and forcing this conversation at like 1am and trying to coax me it wouldn’t mean anything and it would be fine, i thought that night was hard enough and to now learn you went home with them anyways and just never told me. it just makes me feel stupid. I just thought you weren’t like that but I guess I was wrong. I just felt overwhelmed with sadness, disappointment, and shock. Also like why does literally everyone cheat on me?

I appreciate you saying you won’t lie to me again or withhold information that you know is important to share with me. While we are airing out moments we aren’t proud of I do have something to admit. Maybe 2 months ago or so, before I had fixed my laptop-- one time when i was using your laptop i did creep onto your secret twitter. I know this was a violation of boundaries and was unacceptable. I felt very bad after I did it and was too scared to admit what I had done. It was stupid because looking at your secret twitter just made me feel sad. And it was none of my business reading any of that and making myself feel bad. I was just skimming through it trying to find any posts about me. it hurt seeing all of your lovey posts with ori and mocking the fact that it would bother me if you posted those things on ur main. i was surprised to see the timeline for how long you were hanging with steph and that you considered them to be ur crush. I didn’t realize you both would go to each others works and stuff as well. I felt like you very much down played this person to me, first describing them as a “person you kiss” when they were a crush and someone you’d visit at work. It hurt the most probably seeing you take screenshots of me flirting with you and mocking me to your friends. That one def hurt and i was in tears reading your private tweets. It was awful. I just left quickly the next day because I felt so bad. But I had no right to bring up my feelings being hurt about what you post in private. I feel like seeing you mock me flirting with you early on hurt so much because i was putting myself out there trying so hard and for you to be secretly laughing at me and mocking my insecurities. you also posted screenshots of me being insecure and asking for validation to make me seem less ~smooth~ and it was like ahhh i cant unsee. but idk i did do that and you should know. i promise i wont do it again. and I was afraid to tell you because it would hurt you deeply and it was an invasion of your privacy and I know it would be something hard to forgive me for. But I am sorry for crossing your boundaries, not communicating that happened, and disrespecting you in this way. 

I’m not sure we will be able to rebuild our trust in each other. This all really hurt me and I’m sure I’ve just hurt you. I’ve been pretty open with my feelings in the past several months varying. I definitely do not think I am as attached as you are to me than I am to you. I believe that’s what you meant last night saying you feel like you love me more. My feelings will come and go because I just keep coming back to the thought that we are not sexually compatible and I feel like something is missing for me. It sucks but I do believe it’s true. I was very patient with you waiting for you to gain trust and feel comfortable around me. It wasn’t until a few months ago I touched you for the first time and you went down on me for the first time. Because of this time waiting to have sex, I never immediately knew if this was going to be something sexually satisfying for me. And don’t get me wrong I do like having you touch me and i really like you going down on me. and I like touching you and seeing you in your hot body suits. It’s just I miss things being more aggressive. I miss being dominated from time to time. and I miss having sex with a d and having someone try to turn me on like i have a d and stuff. Every 6-8 weeks it feels like I keep circling around the idea we aren’t sexually compatible and what if I was looking for someone else who can fulfill these wants I have. 

- Me continuously feeling like we do not have the sexual compatibility I am looking for. 

- You telling me you cheated on me 6 months ago. 

- and Me confessing I violated your privacy and looked at your secret twitter. 

I just feel like that is a lot to work through and it makes me wonder if just trying to find someone else is what needs to happen at this point. I hate to say it. I hate to break your heart. I really enjoy hanging out with you and talking to you almost everyday. You are one of my best friends and you are my main emotional support. It would be hard to lose you. but I’m not sure how much longer I can see a future in this relationship. I almost feel like you should move away and that would be best for you. You shouldn’t stay here for me. I am not confident in this relationship enough for you to be staying here just for me.