#sorry but this really does touch on spoiler territory haha

[yuesya]

What will Itadori and Nobara's relationship with Shiki be like? That is to say, they will obviously respect her because she is her sempai, but what image they have of her in her mind will be like Satoru's, which they think is very strong but somewhat strange, or they will have another image of her.

[REDACTED]

[the-evisceration-station]

What do you think book!addy’s feelings are towards beth? Even tho addy is the protagonist I still find her very hard to read. Which makes her interesting I guess Bc she’s very mysterious. I love and hate that a lot of the story is subtext haha

That’s a very interesting question and I’m sure everybody probably has a different answer for it, as Addy is such an ambiguous character and intentionally so, because she lies to readers as well as herself. Particularly book!Addy, who I do not believe is quite identical to TV!Addy, even if I do think the most important beats of her character remain the same. I’m going to answer this under the cut both because of potential spoilers and because this is probably going to get long.

In this essay, I will…

Well, I think much of the way Addy describes Beth is some of the way Addy genuinely sees her, rather than an entire farce. Beth being something almost goddess like, someone who knows all and always has some kind of agenda. I don’t think Addy’s actually lying to us when she describes viewing Beth in those ways, I think there is a major part of her that does see Beth as some kind of nearly divine entity.

I think she feels this way partially because Beth is something of a spooky kid, she’s violently protective of Addy to the point where “protective” crosses over into “possessive” territory. I also think Beth projects a powerful persona on purpose. Beth very carefully guards her vulnerabilities and she is, after all, Top Girl, the thing that Addy secretly wants to be. And that’s where I think Addy kind of confuses Beth with what Beth has, and what she thinks it means to have that. She thinks Beth is more powerful than she actually is, because Beth has the thing Addy wants and she believes she’d be more powerful herself, if she had it.

However, do I think Addy sometimes exaggerates about how powerful she sees Beth as?

Absolutely. Because Addy also reveals she knows Beth has vulnerabilities. She knows that laughing is Beth’s way of crying. She is fully aware of how detrimental and unhappy Beth’s home life is, another vulnerability. When she wants Beth to give her one more day before going to the cops, and asks her for it, she pleads, “for me,” because Addy knows that she, herself, is one of Beth’s weaknesses. So if Addy knows where the chinks in the armor are, chances are she doesn’t always see Beth as infallible as she acts like she does.

The fact that Addy knows she can get Beth to do what she wants with a “for me,” also implies that she’s aware that she’s the one who actually has more control in the relationship, which diminishes how godlike she constantly describes Beth as.

Look, I have seen some takes that describe the Addy/Beth relationship as “Addy has All The Power behind the scenes and Beth is just her pawn,” as well as “Beth has All The Power outright until Addy stands up for herself” and personally I don’t agree with either. I understand why people would come away with such interpretations, but I personally don’t think it’s either. I think Beth and Addy both have power in that relationship, and that there is push and pull between them. I actually feel that to insist one has all and one has none is to cheapen the complexity between them, the depths of the layers of this twisted relationship they’ve woven together like a tapestry.

However, I DO believe Addy has the lion’s share of the power. Not that Beth has none. I certainly think she has some, and she’s too aware of what Addy is like under the surface to ever be described as her pawn. But that I do feel that Addy has MOST of the power. Because Beth has more exploitable vulnerabilities in places Addy doesn’t. Because Beth will do anything for Addy, and Addy knows it, and Addy knows she can use it when she has to. Because when Beth goes too far, Addy can assert her quiet control and reel her back in line. Some of the other girls notice this much. They point it out more frequently in the show, but it’s book!Tacy who point-blank tells Addy that she’s more afraid of Addy than she is of Beth.

Hence, given that Addy has the lion’s share of the power, I think she has a tenancy to exaggerate how all-powerful she sees Beth as, because if she has to, she can control Beth’s power by proxy. Beth’s power isn’t an inevitability for her. Quite often, it’s even her asset.

What I do think almost feels like an inevitability for her, is her and Beth’s relationship. I actually think Addy has more internal conflict about this than she lets on. She is an unreliable narrator. She doesn’t tell us everything. What she does tell us, is what she wants us to know, and it’s dyed by how she wants us to see it. But I think it’s very interesting that after the fight at cheer camp, and the other girls think they’ll never be friends again, Addy’s just…of the mindset that well, of course they would. Because coming back together, being together is just what they are. Like it’s some force of nature, not a conscious choice. Like it is what it is, the same way gravity exists because it exists and when something is dropped, you can count on it to fall to the ground. Because gravity exists and things do not simply float away, it is not good, it is not bad, it is not fair nor unfair, it just fucking is. And Addy dismisses the other girls’ thoughts, because she thinks they could never understand. Well, I don’t think Addy really understands it either!

I think at this point in the book, Addy truly felt like what she and Beth had was an inevitability of a sort. I don’t think she wanted it to be. I think she genuinely wanted to move away from Beth already, but on this point, I don’t think she was lying to us. Relationships are complicated, codependent relationships specifically can feel very contradictory and confusing. And I think she failed to elaborate more on it, specifically because such feelings were confusing and contradictory, and she didn’t want to think about it any more than she had to. She didn’t want to look at it. There are many things Addy doesn’t like to look at.

Major YMMV on this one because it’s left incredibly ambiguous, but I personally do believe there was a point in time when Addy was in love with Beth. Addy is the one who kissed Beth. Addy is the one who initiated their borderline (or even, some people think it went that far, I personally don’t) sexual encounter.

“I started it, but I don’t even remember why or how,” is her input on her motivation. But when is Addy ever honest about her motives? Almost never, not even to herself.

Also, the hamsa bracelet. The story behind the little charm is that it’s the Hand of Fatima. Fatima was stirring a pot when her husband came home with a new wife, let the ladel slip from her fingers, stirred with her own hand, and didn’t even notice the pain because of how brokenhearted she was. Or, at least, that’s the version of the story presented in the book. The one I know of IRL is different, but for the purpose of discussing Dare Me book canon, I am using the symbolism of the version of the Hand of Fatima lore presented to us in the book.

Beth is Fatima in this story. Addy is the husband. The new wife is Colette. Fatima was the first wife. The husband married his first wife, chances are, he loved her at some point.

I think three things play into Addy no longer being in love with Beth.

1) Beth’s possessive behavior began to feel suffocating and drive Addy away.

2) Addy prioritizes ambition over love and accomplishing her goals wins out over any romance, at the end of the day.

3) Addy represses her sexuality and probably even holds some (unfair) resentment toward Beth for feeling attracted to Beth.

My gray faced friendo, I am going to repeat that: this is all just my take. I think in a subtext loaded book like Dare Me, people are bound to come away with over a hundred different interpretations. I am not the authority on Dare Me. That’s Megan Abbott. I’m not here to crap on anyone else’s interpretation if they feel different.

All of this is what I personally took away from the book and since you asked, that’s what I’m describing. I’ve been giving my own personal take throughout the entirety of this answer, of course, but what I’m going to describe going forward is a lot of me reading in between the lines with my magnifying glass, and may seem less coherent than the above. Okay, here we go.

Point #1: I feel like Beth’s possessive behavior began to drive Addy away, because it’s a lot to deal with. Beth gets dog leashes for all the girls on the squad at one point, but goes as far as to have Addy’s name embroidered on hers. Addy goes to another girl’s birthday party and when she gets home, low and behold, Beth is waiting at her house. RiRi outright refers to Addy as “Beth’s girl,” as if Addy belongs to Beth.

I think Addy even begins to feel like she does belong to Beth, in some ways, and becomes comfortable feeling that way. But eventually, she doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Their relationship is extremely codependent, okay. I think in both the book and the show, it’s more obvious from Beth’s side, because we’ve reached the point in that relationship where Addy is beginning to pull away. Beth reflexively seems to cling on even tighter, because she feels it happening. But it’s absolutely codependent from Addy’s side too.

Throughout the book, there are many moments (I’m not going to comb for all of them, sorry dude, it’s almost 300 pages) where Addy behaves like she and Beth are an entity unto their own. Even as she’s moving away from her as she develops her bond with Colette, there are instances where Addy will describe sensing things inside Beth. There is even a moment where Addy thinks Beth is touching her ear (the ear Addy scarred, mind you) only to discover, no, she’s touching her own ear!

Plus, Addy feels like she needs others to verbalize her thoughts/feelings for her and for a long time, this person is Beth. Implying that not only does Addy rely on Beth to do such a thing for her, but she believes that Beth can know her thoughts accurately enough to do so.

Point #2: I think ambition outranks love for Addy, because her goals are her endgame. Addy is patient, Addy is deceptive. Addy likes the way power feels and I think it’s one of the reasons she gets so high on her relationship with Colette (even if it is an inappropriate and eventually damaging one). Colette makes Addy feel powerful, probably more powerful than she actually is. I’m going to repeat myself a bit here and even copy/paste some of my thoughts about this from a reply I left to a comment on Ao3 (that poor person, I went into a full on Addy rant) because I feel like what I said previously is relevant here.

*deep breath* When we begin the book/series, I personally believe like on some level, Addy does still have feelings for Beth. However, I do NOT think those feelings are as strong as they once were, and I don’t think they are feelings Addy wants to have. I think the remaining feelings Addy does have for Beth are mostly there because they’ve been in a codependent relationship for so long, one that consumes her identity, and in a relationship like that, even if you don’t want those feelings anymore, they’re difficult to move away from. Because at some point, you don’t really know who you are not just without that person, but without those feelings, even if you want to, even if wanting to is part of the reason you want to get rid of those feelings. Codependency is a strange animal, my friend.

Although Addy’s relationship with Colette was never mutually romantic nor canonically sexual, I do believe there was a part of Addy that was ‘killing’ her remaining feelings for Beth through that relationship. “Love is a kind of killing,” is one of the oft repeated lines of the book, and I’d even say it’s one of the themes. It is Beth who says it, and we see that she feels it too, her love for Addy is killing her. She nearly kills herself out of it (though I’d say other things impacted Beth enough to put her in such a state that suicide felt worth it, even if her feelings for Addy were the primary motive, again YMMV).

The Matt/Colette/Will dynamic is another example of love becoming a kind of killing. Matt kills Will for Colette. If we believe what she tells Addy, then he acted on his own in doing so and it was an accident. If we don’t believe her, she might’ve even been the little worm in Matt’s ear who told him to do it. Either way, he killed for love. None of the audience really cares for their hetero nonsense, because Matt is sexist and both Colette and Will are predatory people, but nonetheless, their debacle largely impacts the story. And it supports the idea that “love is a kind of killing.”

I believe love as a kind of killing is something Addy weaponizes for her own development. To her own detriment as well, because it ends up taking her to dangerous places.  Even so, I think Addy had/has some lingering feelings for Beth she uses forming a bond with Colette to metaphorically ‘kill’ inside herself. Like finishing off an already mortally wounded animal, if you will. This would also support “love is a kind of killing” as a recurring theme.

Addy’s relationship with Colette gave her a crutch and a new outlet, and Colette’s encouragement (while the audience knows its manipulation) also gave Addy affirmation for the way she was already feeling about Beth— that she wanted to distance herself from her and come into her own. In addition, Colette seemed to be ‘safer’ because Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette.

The presence of specifically female socialization is very palatable in the book. The way the girls slut-shame each other. The way other people see them, the feminine appeal of cheerleading. Others take the glitz and the glam of it at face value without understanding the more masculinely-coded things that go into it, like dedication and athleticism. Colette is a villain, no doubt, but you have to give the devil her due, and her circumstances are as miserable and empty as they are because she finds herself boxed into traditional feminine roles she isn’t suited for. Although the show is not the book, and I will maintain that I don’t feel they are identical entities, I do think Willa had a lot of interesting input on this in her Build interview, alongside Taveeta and Abbott. Check it out if you have the time—

Wait, where was I?

Right, right, female socialization in Dare Me. Okay, continuing on.

I feel that female socialization also plays an important role in the relationships between the characters, namely the Beth/Addy/Colette dynamic. We live in a culture where women are socialized to tear each other down and compete with each other even outside of the athletic arena. Combine that with the athletic, cutthroat world of cheerleading and you’ve got yourself a powder keg of an environment where those competitive feelings are going to come out full force. Addy, wanting what she wants, is inevitably going to have to view Beth as a rival, romantic feelings or otherwise aside.  

Colette feels like a ‘safer’ object of attraction because her cheerleading days are over.

Colette does not pose a threat to Addy’s thirst for power, she can only help her achieve it. I definitely think the lack of Colette posing a threat to Addy’s goals plays into how comfortable she feels with her. I also think, to a teenager with dreams of grandeur already feeling suffocated in a relationship with her peer, this is where the age gap appeals to Addy even as it disturbs us readers.

Again, Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette, because Colette has aged out of ‘cheerleader’ and into ‘coach.’ Colette is a seemingly self-sufficient adult (initially) who doesn’t spin out the way Beth does, and depend on Addy as heavily as Beth does. Colette represents the agency Addy covets, and feels nearer to when with her.

I mean, we all know things change once a dead body is brought into that dynamic and we all know that Colette is emotionally manipulating Addy for her own purposes. But I’m not talking about Colette’s perspective, I’m talking about Addy’s before all the crime scene hullabaloo. What happens after the night with Will changes things, but up until that point, I think this is much of what Addy got out of her bond with Colette, no matter how inappropriate a bond it was. No matter how much it shouldn’t have been happening.

I will say, I don’t believe Addy ever fully realizes the extent to which Colette was manipulating her, although it’s clear as the book goes on, she realizes some of it. She picks up on things that don’t add up, acknowledges some red flags she initially ignored, and refers to her as a liar at one point.

Wait JJ, why are you talking about Addy and Colette? The question was about Addy and Beth!

Yes, but I think you cannot always separate the two. Because I think many of the developments that occur in the book between Addy and Beth, and the way in which they occur, play out as they do because of Colette’s entry into the story. Abbott said herself that Dare Me is a love triangle. A triangle is connected by all three sides, okay, continuing on…

I think there are things Addy deliberately sought out in her relationship with Colette— I will repeat this because again, I personally view this as part of the theme and part of the answer to your question— including ‘killing’ what remained of her feelings for Beth. I think it’s also very clear that she thinks Colette is the key to getting what she wants and accomplishing her own goals.

But I would go the extra mile and say she projects some of her feelings for Beth onto Colette. I’ve brought this up before, but I will elaborate more about that now.

I think Addy is earnestly attracted to Colette, just as Colette. Yes, even book!Addy. It’s more subtle in the book, but contrast the way she describes Jordy to the way she describes Colette. Her fascination with the way Colette looks when Will is fucking her. It speaks of attraction and that’s perfectly fine. It’s normal when teens have crushes on adults, what isn’t normal is when adults indulge those crushes. When adults pick up on the cues Colette does, and choose to fan the flames instead of snuffing them out. That’s the part that’s fucking scary.

But I also think she projects her feelings for Beth onto Colette and I think that helps explain why Addy latched onto Colette so quickly. When Addy messes around with Jordy, she does it because Colette points him out. And when she tells Colette about it later and Colette doesn’t even seem to remember him, Addy is taken aback, almost offended… and yet, just a couple of pages later, she’s disparaging the girls who do similar things for Beth.

“…hitching jeans low and flashing thongs at security guards. Beth likes to make these girls run.”

Colette and Beth also share some notable similarities. Both can be cold, cutthroat, have calculating thought processes. Colette even looks like Beth in the book. Addy also sort of tries to recreate a ‘better’ version of the bond she had with Beth, with Colette and this is where I stop and I’m like, man, what a weird freakin’ kid. Addy, smh. But you see it, right?

Addy flips for her coach like she flips for her captain. Ties the same bracelet Beth once tied on her wrist onto Colette’s wrist. Does the thing with Jordy very comparable to the things other girls do when they’re trying to impress Beth. Uses Colette specifically when she wants to become her own person, but can’t quite do so yet, because she’s so used to her lifelong codependence with Beth.

And you know how earlier I mentioned that Addy can control Beth when she has to? How the control Addy has over Beth is a quiet, deceptive thing?

Well I think that’s something that Addy projects onto Colette too. Addy is so used to being able to assert that quiet control and maintain the relational power (which is not the same kind of power Addy is seeking endgame) with Beth, that when she begins using Colette as Beth’s substitute, she doesn’t realize she doesn’t have it anymore. I think that’s one of the things that gets her into hot water later, because she absently assumes she’s going to be ‘safe’ with Colette the way she is with Beth, have that ability that she does with Beth to reel things back before they go too far…but she doesn’t.

Addy uses Colette as Beth substitute. But Colette is not Beth. Beth is spooky. Addy is scary. Colette is terrifying. Addy can’t take control of Colette the way she can of Beth. Colette is an adept master manipulator, an adult who has years of experience that Addy lacks. Colette is better at her game than Addy is at hers, and Addy gets in deep shit partly because she doesn’t recognize that.

I would actually compare the Colette/Addy situation a bit to the Kurtz/Beth situation in the show. There are things Beth wants out of Kurtz, she talks to him because she plans to use him, and it inevitably has devastating consequences for her. Kurtz is a predator. And he’s better at his game than Beth is at hers.

The situations are not identical. The consequences are not the same. But both are exemplary of teens being naive fools and thinking they have some control in situations they definitely do not, with people they couldn’t hope to.

Addy gets what she thinks she wants in the end. I’ve addressed why I think this isn’t as cracked up to be as she thinks it is in another post, but that’s not really relevant here. Addy chooses to pursue having her own power above all, and it’s Beth who winds up giving it to her, not Colette. But I think Addy needed to eliminate her feelings for Beth to actually get there, or even if she didn’t actually, it’s what she felt she had to do and most of those feelings were deteriorating already because of Beth’s possessive behavior.

Point #3: I personally believe Addy represses her sexuality. And I do think that plays into how she views Beth, both when she had feelings for her, and when those feelings began to die. I feel Addy harbors some subconscious resentment toward Beth along the lines of a “I don’t want to be like this, but you make me feel this way, and I hold it against you” type deal. However, again, I think that’s a subconscious feeling rather than something Addy is cognitively aware of, and actually, I don’t think it’s separate from how she’s fed up of Beth suffocating her. I believe it only feeds into that feeling and makes it stronger, enhancing her frustration.

Addy is often very cruel when she describes Beth. I think there’s a bit more to it than the inevitability of viewing Beth as a rival outside her control and somewhat within it, the possessive behavior Beth suffocates her with.

I think forgetting that she and Beth had a borderline sexual encounter was repression on her part. I also think this line;

“…and who need to talk of such wonders? We nestle them away, deep in the fury at the center of us, where things can be held tightly, protected, and secretly cherished as a special notion we once held, and then had to stow away,”

wasn’t just about Beth. I think it was about Beth and just like, pursuing girls in general. At least openly. I’d go out on a limb and say another one of the things that drew Addy to Colette was because Colette was a ‘safer’ objection of attraction in the sense that the likelihood of something happening between them was very low. Fantasize safely from the closet, kinda deal. But maybe Addy’s less aware of her sexuality, or at least confronting it than I’m giving her credit for. I mean, she looked up RiRi’s skirt and was all like, “why are other girl’s panties more interesting than your own?”

Addy. Addy, baby. Why do you think.

Oh, and I think Addy kissed RiRi without telling us! At the marines’ party, Addy and RiRi are hanging and then this scene happens.

“She’s fumbling with her phone, trying to send a text. Because it’s all okay because these are Will’s men and nothing bad could ever happen, one of them is pressing our heads together, wanting us to kiss.

“Always ready,” he says. “Always there.””

Then RiRi hugs Addy and starts in about how she couldn’t be close to Addy before, because of Beth. But that’s the thing. It just has that creepy ass adult man trying to make these teen girls kiss, then goes into some dialogue, Addy never actually explains what happens in that moment. If the guy made them kiss or if he let go of them. If either of them protested or just went along with it.

I personally believe they did kiss and I believe Addy doesn’t mention it for two reasons.

1) She’s trying to convince herself and us readers that Will is safe to be around, ergo his men must be too. But some grown ass dude physically trying to force teen girls to kiss each other is obviously a fucking creeper. Will is also a fucking creeper.

2) She enjoyed kissing RiRi and doesn’t care to elaborate on what enjoying that was like, because doing so would mean confronting her sexuality. Her sexuality being one of the many things Addy doesn’t really confront.

Wow, that was a long ass essay. In this essay, I done did. So that is my interpretation of Addy’s feelings for Beth. Feel free to take ‘em or leave ‘em, maybe we don’t feel the same way and that’s totally cool. But you asked, so I answered. That is what I feel is going on with all that mess there.

This essay probably has a shit ton of typos and for that I apologize, but I can’t comb through all this now. This long as hell and I’m hungry, I need to go eat. 

[har-rison-s]

rest with me

ENDGAME SPOILERS! 

request: Hello sweets i hope you’re good :) Can you write a Bucky imagine with avenger reader? After coming back Bucky needs a place to stay and reader invites him to stay with her at her summer cabin by the lake and they fall in love? Tony’s cabin was amazing so i thought it would be really romantic with Buck <3

A/N: THIS IS HELLA LONG, I APOLOGISE!! I LIKE IT BUT I NEVER DO THIS!!! First time writing Bucky in an imagine request and apart from my story. I feel very responsible, haha. Hope I did the love of my life good. I still have not recovered from Endgame and I want to cry all day. I'm so emotional all the time. This and my story gives me some sort of peace, a bit of it. Hope you guys enjoy and that this meets your standarts, love! Happy reading!

main masterlist

mcu masterlist

warnings: talks of death, grief, nothing else really :)

“Listen, it's really no trouble. It's been getting more lonely with every year.” You say, trying to convince the former soldier that he wouldn't be a bother at your summer place. It used to be your parents', but since they passed away years ago, it was left to you. And you'd go there in times when you felt lonely, creative or a bit broken. It was your true home. Not the small flat in DC or the team's compound, that is now in pieces. 

Bucky sighs, but smiles. You even think there's a chuckle coming from him, but then again - you must have dreamt it. “Alright.” He says, nodding. “I'm just... not the easiest person to be around.”

You nod your head. “It's completely understandable to me. Trust me, I won't mind.” You say with a smile. “Taking what you've had to go through, I'm just happy to help.” You offer and Bucky nods. “So, maybe you need help with packing?”

“Oh, we're going now?” He asks with raised eyebrows. 

“You got somewhere else to be?” You tease, winking, and Bucky laughs. He looks beautiful when he does. Partly because it's so rare, his smile and laugh. Makes it quite unique, which once again makes it beautiful.

“No, I haven't.” He says. “Are you ready, though?”

You shrug. “All my stuff, all my life's there, so there's really nothing more than a small bag that I can bring.” You admit and Bucky nods.

“Yeah, I don't have that much, either. Clothes and books.” He says and you nod. 

“I'll... wait for you outside, then? The old, grey car. From around your time.” You give him a warm smile and Bucky chuckles again. 

“Sure, sure. I won't be long.” He promises and you nod. The man walks past you to his room and you shamelessly watch as he does. He's a very interesting person, and you hope living at the cabin with him will allow you to find out more. Even if he is damaged—that doesn't mean he's any less of a person. There's still a lot to find out. 

You sit in the car and it feels like hours that you do. Your mind drifts off back to Tony, to the battle. Where everyone teamed up and got revenge on the big titan who took away half of humanity. Many were lost when he did, including Peter, Bucky, Sam, Wanda and others. It hurt a lot. And there was so much anger.

Now there's even more of anger in you, but since there's so much, you only feel numb. All the pain is still there, even though you screamed and cried when you saw what condition Tony was in and what he had done. Steve, crying as well, had to hold your arms by your sides and calm you down, even though it was so much harder for him to keep calm in the moment. You knew how much Tony meant to Steve, and that was a lot. But you hurt, too. Tony was someone you looked up to, saw as an example, as an idol. He had grown into the man you knew to respect and admire. He was your motivation most of the time, motivation to keep going and working on yourself and to even do something any day, do something for yourself. Losing him—

“Where have you drifted off to?” You hear a voice that brings you out of your daydream that you see with wide eyes, the look in them lost and wandered-away. From his point of view, it looked quite eerily. Like you were scared of something, almost as if you were paralysed from fear or something else. You shake your head and look to the voice, Bucky, to your right. 

“I—I was, um...” you furrow your eyebrows and look down at your hand that starts the car in a few seconds, “just thinking.” You finish your sentence. Weakly, but you do it. Something had to be said.

He nods. You turn to him, the lost look still in your eyes, and he offers you a smile. Comfort. You hum and give him a fainter smile in response, the car engine revving under your hands and feet. You clear your throat and turn the car around so that it'd be easier for you to drive out of the parking lot. 

You don't know what to say to Bucky during the car ride, so at one point you fidget with the radio device. You're nervous because of your earlier drifting-off, and that you didn't know for how long you were like that, or for how long he saw you looking off. You've probably freaked him out now. 

You built it in with Tony's help a long time ago, and the radio does look strange in the whole 1940s car interior, and it's almost horrid. But it's not a bother, taking that the stations work perfectly. Though it takes time to find one that plays good, or at least, bearable music.

“Are you feeling lost?” Bucky asks, his voice soft, no trace of harsh or sudden. It's like his words just slid in between the engine and the radio sounds. You turn your head to look at him quickly and blink a few times, trying to prevent yourself from blanking out. 

“Yeah, um, I guess I am.” You say quietly. 

“Sorry I asked.” He immediately apologises, but you shake your head. 

“It's okay.” You say. “You're just curious about the impact, right?”

Bucky chuckles slowly and quietly and looks away from you, watching the unwinding road in front of you both. “Must be.” He says. “Don't want to touch any rough spots, though, doll.”

Doll. Goodness, he still uses that sweet name. Probably made the girls back in the day blush deeper than you right now. So he still has the same lexicon in his head that he did about 80 years ago.

You smile, praying for the slight shade of pink to disappear. No one's ever called you a sweet name like “doll” before. Everybody just says “baby” or “babe”, which was, yes, nice to hear, but didn't have the same effect as “doll” does.

“We all have those.” You say. “Some have them closer to the surface, some further. But we all learn how to deal with them eventually.” You state and look at Bucky before taking a turn to the left. You are nearing your summer house already, only ten to fifteen minutes to go. “We have to.”

Bucky nods. “Wise words.” He says and you chuckle.

“Wisdom's a thing of mine, as they say.” You reply, taking the compliment. “I may not be smart or intelligent like—” Tony was, you want to say, but you stop speaking at the thought of his name, “like most of our teammates, but I'm wise emotionally and in life, in general. Sometimes it really comes in handy,” you start to admit, “but with a job like mine... it mostly doesn't.”

“Don't say that.” Bucky exhales. “Now, I think, there's a new life ahead of you. Of me, of everyone.” He says. “So you can do whatever you want with it. Make you skills useful, maybe.” He tells you, turning to look at you. You only give him a smile and look back at the road.

“You're a wise man, as well, Bucky.” You tell him, patting his hand for only a second. His eyes show exhaustion, a bit of lost, a bit of loss, and a bit of dealing with how everything is. Denial? Acceptance? Not really any trace of them in his sea-blue eyes. “You'll find peace.” You say and his eyebrows rise higher at that. You just nod. “I know you will.”

“Thank you.” He replies and you smile wider. “For giving me a place to live, as well.”

“I'm doing it from the good of my heart, I promise. My pleasure.” You give him a playful grin and he chuckles. 

As the two of you drive closer and closer to your cabin, you start to tell him about how and where everything is in the house and the territory around it, where the closest grocey store is, what else is there besides the cabin, what about water and electricity, how the house runs during all the seasons, etc. 

Whatever Bucky had in mind the cabin looked like, what he saw when you drove up completely amazed him and took him by surprise. “Wow.” He marvels and you smile wide. Bucky immediately unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car, just to see and feel that what he sees is truly there, is real. Cause after all this time, it doesn't feel like it could be real.

You stop the car and shut it off, and get out as well, trying to catch up to the wandering soldier. He immediately walks towards the small lake, more like a pond, past the house itself and the garden. You have to jog a little to reach him, but he stops at the pond and so do you. A meter or so between you two, you look at him. His eyes are big and he seems overwhelmed by what he sees. 

“It's so beautiful here.” Bucky says, looking at you. You nod. 

“The sunrises and sunsets are the best here. And when it rains - oh, God. It's just magic.” You say and stick your hands into your back pockets. “Let's get settled and then we can walk around so you'd... know where everything is.”

Bucky nods, but doesn't move. He's still looking at the lake, beyond it and at the forest, at the skies. He’s admiring the view that could be his forever to see. He could get used to it, and maybe he should. Even though anything might happen, a war again, for example. And this would be lost or ruined, what’s in front of him. Why am I always so dramatic?

You don't want to speak, so you just stay there, waiting. You can hear birds singing, the top leaves and branches of the trees moving against each other from the small impact of wind. No other sounds, no other people or cars. Peaceful. Just what he needs, and you as well. Though peace and quiet have never felt peaceful and soothing to you. City sounds make you sleep better, but so does fresh air.

“So, this is my bedroom. Used to be my parents', hence the size of the bed.” You say, opening a mahogany door to reveal a bedroom with a king-sized bed, a desk and a wardrobe. It has a cozy windowsill, as well. Pillows and a baby-sized mattress. Bucky nods.

“You read here?” He asks, looking at the windowsill. You shrug. 

“Sometimes. I mostly paint or draw upstairs.” You reply. Bucky looks at you, surprised, and you smile. “I'll show you later.” He nods and you walk to the door that is next to your room. “And this will be your room. Used to be mine, but... I got bored of it, and my parents' room seemed more appealing to me.” You chuckle, remembering how your mom laughed at the reason for your request. “That was when they started to move out.”

Bucky can almost feel you drifting somewhere, to memories of your past, your parents. “Perfect sheets.” He says and you look at the bed that hasn’t been touched for years. There’s a picture of fish in the sea as a bed sheet and you laugh, your hands hiding your face.

“I’m sorry!” You shriek. “I always forget to take them off.”

“That’s okay.”

“I’ll give you different covers, just hold on.”

“No, there’s no rush. Fish isn't bad. I’ll probably even sleep outside since it’s nice weather outside.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re sleeping here after I change the sheets and take away any other embarrassing relics.”

“No, seriously, do you have a spare mattress or pillows, maybe blankets?”

“You’re serious.”

“I just said I am.”

“Alright, Barnes. Come with me.”

Bucky did sleep outside that night. And when you found yourself too awake because of worries about him, you took your pillows and blankets and went outside to join him.

It was a good temperature, indeed. Warm, no wind, no rain or other liquids falling from the sky, no fog. Cricket sounds an owls hooting. The moon's rays breaking through the trees and shine down on the grass. A fairy tale. Bucky lays in the green meadow between the lake and the garden, on an old mattress and pillows under him and a blanket laying over him.

He heard your footsteps and turned his head to make sure it was you. He turns back to staring at the lake when he knows it is. He smirks. “So you gave in.” Bucky says and you smile to yourself, putting the pillows and blanket down in the grass next to him. 

“No, my mind was running in circles, worried about you.” You admit and sit down, Bucky turns his head to you. “And the little snippet of what mom used to tell me about wendigos living not so far from here always gives me terrible fright.”

“Wendigos?”

“You don't know?”

Bucky shakes his head. 

“Well, a wendigo is a creature, I could say, that was once human but since it started to eat human flesh, it turned into something else. Not human, not a dog or a wolf, not a ghost, but something between all of those.” You tell him. “So, they're like tall figures with a crooked shape that lurk in the forests and look for fresh meat. When they find some, they lure you in by imitating a voice of your friend or family member. Sometimes they can even imitate the sounds your pet makes.”

Bucky shivers. “That's some grade-A horror.” He says. 

“I know.” You say. “Now I've really scared myself and want to go inside.”

Bucky laughs. “We can go, if you really want to.” He says. “Never would have thought you'd be scared of a 'scary' bed time story, considering all you've seen and fought.”

“But wendigos are real, too.” You say. “They might not be as terrifying as everything else is, but damn do I get scared. There are so many stories of people encountering them, it's terrifying.”

“Well, don't listen to them, then, if they scare you so much.” He says and you only chuckle, batting your eyelids, trying to get your mind's hallucinations out of your sight. 

“Mind if I sleep with you tonight?” You ask very shyly and quietly. Bucky gives you a warm laugh that seems to last longer than any you've heard from him. 

“If it's only for tonight.” Bucky says and looks over at you. You turn your head to him and smile lightly, realising what he means. He still needs alone time, he doesn't want to be emotionally squeezed up. He needs his space and that includes spending nights alone. 

You share a look of knowing and understanding for a while and then you look at your own hands. “For now, I can say, that you're able to keep me on the ground.” You admit quietly. “I guess it's because you know how I feel.” You say and look back at him, though you can barely see Bucky's face in the dark. “I don't want to be alone. And I know that's all you want to be, but...”

“Yeah, I know.” He says. “We work differently but also very similarly. I completely understand you, so, for now, let's keep the sleeping-in-one-bed thing only for tonight.”

“Yeah, okay.” You nod and chuckle, realising how childish you must sound by being afraid to sleep alone. “I'm sorry, I can sleep alone, it's quite... inappropriate, now that I think about it.” You cringe, pinching the bridge of your nose. You give a nervous laugh to ease the air.

“Don't worry about it.” Bucky says. “It's not childish. I don't mind. You're just... a bit disturbed, right?”

You nod, laughing. “Yeah.” You respond. “Disturbed might be the word. Or lost, as you said before.” You say and look at him shyly, a hand behind your ear as you do. Bucky gives you a small smile and nods. 

“We must all be now.” He says and focuses back on staring in front of him. He sighs deeply. “But we're not alone.” 

You nod at that, wise words for the moment. Something to hold onto. You sigh and lean back into your pillows. 

“You didn’t show me where you paint.” Bucky surprises you after a few minutes of silence and staring off. You look at him and furrow your eyebrows, realising after a moment that he's right.

“I promise it's not that cool in the dark.” You say to him and he laughs. “I'll show you tomorrow.” Bucky nods. You sit still for a moment and then stand up, feeling already a bit cold and deciding that being inside would be warmer.

“Tired?” He asks, but stands up as well.

“Not a trace.” You admit, both of you gathering your pillows and blankets. Once you start to walk back towards the house, the breeze really hit your skin and you feel a bit chilly. You rub up and down your own arms slowly before reaching the door and swinging it open. You let yourself in and keep your hand on the door so that Bucky could come in. He gives you a small smile. 

Once you're both in bed, it doesn't feel awkward or forced or full of unwanted tension. It feels natural and very mundane. Your hand is under your cheek and under your head as you lay on your left side, your other hand tucked into the midst of the left one's articulation. A sleeping position you know you used as a child. No matter where you were sleeping, it was always a favorite of yours.

Bucky's sleeping on his right side, his hands laying next to him on the covers. Your backs are facing each other and you don't really say a word. And the silence is driving you a little insane, you can't fall asleep. The noises in your head get too loud when you're in silence. That's why you're a busy city and noise kind of person.

You turn around and Bucky shifts. It must be like one in the morning right now. “What is it?” He asks.

“I can't fucking sleep.” You voice in an angry whisper that makes Bucky chuckle.

“Sorry.” He says when you turn your head to him. “Your voice just sounded like... out of a cartoon or something.”

You don't fight the smile that breaks through. “Are you sleepy?” You return the question. Bucky shrugs, as much as he can in the position of laying on his back. 

“Sort of.” He responds, unsure. You know he'd feel bad if he said 'yeah, i'm tired, i'll sleep' cause then he'd leave you to anxious thoughts and wendigo stories to deal with alone, and that'd be exactly the opposite of what you wanted. So he settled for what he said and turned to look at you.

You sigh quietly, looking at him. “I haven't slept since... since the funeral.” You admit, looking out the window to your left that show you the trees, the moon and the stars. “I know it's been two days since, and I've tried to sleep, but I can't. Every time I close my eyes, I see...” You sigh hard, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Why am I even telling you this? I don't...”

“It's okay.” He assures you. “I'm listening.”

You sigh again, tired of doing so, but having no words to replace the exhales with. “I see the battle and I-I see Tony...” You start to say, and your mind drifts away to the exact moment you, for some damn reason, remember best of all, “and I couldn't look away then, so it's hard to force my eyes to open.” You shake your head. “It's not like we were close or anything, we were probably the farthest from close in all the team's relationships, but... I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to live without him.”

Bucky releases a sigh that sounds more like a soft grunt and looks up at the ceiling. “I know how you feel.” He says. You turn your head.

“I know Steve means a lot to you. I see it.” You tell him. He shrugs.

“Yeah, well, the punk was gonna leave me someday.” Bucky says nonchalantly and you laugh. 

“You knew he was going to do it?” You ask, and Bucky nods. 

“Yeah, we talked about it.” He says. “At first, I was like, 'well, what about me?' But he explained the time-travel thing—that I still don't understand—and, well... In another timeline, there's James Barnes living a happy life with no trauma, no blood on his hands, no nothing. Marriage, kids, pie baking, petting dogs, wrinkly skin, all that.” He tells you and sighs, contently. “I'm probably dead in that universe right now.”

You laugh. “Relax, sarge.” You slap your hand on his, which makes him look at you. “You can still have it all.” You assure him now and he looks away. “You can. No mad titans coming our way soon.” You pat his hand and withdraw from him. 

“Don't think I could find someone I'd be comfortable with, in all ways.” He admits quietly and you glance at him. “I'm not just anyone.”

You want to say 'I don't think I could find something to do now', but you don't. Coming from you, that'd be quite selfish and emotionally dismissing towards his feelings. “I think you'ill find someone.” You say, then, turning to lay on your right side, facing Bucky. “Everything comes with time. Eventually, you will find someone.” 

He hums, and you hear a smile on his lips. “Are you getting tired?” He asks then. You nod.

“All that talking wore me down, I guess.” You say and Bucky chuckles. 

“Glad I could help, if I did.” He says and you hum. 

“Yeah, you did.” 

As you fall asleep, you wake up as well. The same position, the same spot. You don't know what time it is when you wake up, and you've got no clock on the wall or watch on your wrist. 

Bucky's not laying next to you, as you had wished quietly to yourself. But you do find a note. 

'Too curious to sleep, so I went for a walk. Sleep deep, princess.'

He's written the words down on a sticky note and stuck it on the pillow he slept on. His fish-printed covers are neatly tucked under the pillows he used and into the bed. You chuckle.

That morning you had a shower by which time Bucky had successfully returned to the house and you both made breakfast together. It's been like that every morning since then. After a month or so, you started to fight over who'd make breakfast this time. From then on, it was a challenge - who would wake up first would make breakfast and the one who woke up after would clean the dishes.

Multiple silly fights and arguments came from that, fights with eggs or flour or bacon or spatulas or pillows, literally anything that could be easily thrown the other person's way to prove your point or to stop the other from entering the kitchen. Most of the time you ended in facing each other closely with ingredients (a/n: i almost wrote 'ingredience' lmao sdjfnsdjh) smeared all over your faces and daring looks in both of your eyes. 

The first few times it happened, you'd just laugh it out or tickle the other, but with time, it grew stranger. Constrictions and doubts started to cloud your mind and it created tension. You thought you saw the questions in Bucky's eyes as well, but you were unsure. 

He was a complicated person. But it made him more interesting to you, attracted you to him. You couldn't deny it, and tried not to think of it or show it in a weird way. Bucky knew he was someone completely new to you, and so were you to him. But, while he was intrigued by you as much as you were with him, he was tired and wanting of peace. Nothing new. But there was something about you... He didn't know.

You showed him your painting room, and the two of you spent a lot of time there when you weren't outside. When it rains or there's no sun shining or mornings when you didn't feel like eating or doing anything. You were getting everything out then. Painting, drawing, tracing lines or circles, whatever it was that helped. Bucky would wake up, ready to beat your ass to the kitchen, but he'd find the door to the attic open and wander up there to find you drawing.

Sometimes he'd ask you what you want for breakfast, but most times he'd simply sit somewhere in the corner or next to you and watch you drawing. He wouldn't ask any questions, he'd let you talk if you wanted to. And sometimes you didn't talk. The days that started with you painting or drawing were one of the bad days. You honestly didn't want to bring Bucky down with your bad mood, but you couldn't help to sometimes feel everything at once or nothing so intensely that it was overwhelming. And you had no strength to be a person those days.

The best part about Bucky, you think, was that he was so understanding. He has probably felt every bad emotion there is for a person to feel and it allows him to see everything from your point of view. Every feeling, every doubt, every emotion. Sure, you weren't brainwashed and made a weapon for a whole century, but you had your pains, too. And Bucky understood every one of them.

That is the main reason, you think, for starting to feel something for him. You hadn't met anyone so willing to understand, so empathic and so caring towards you. In the team, it was all “don't die” or “be perfect on each mission”, the closest you were to anyone was Tony, and even that was only on an 'acquaintances' level. Bucky truly cared, and he was there, even if you two weren't originally friends.

Bucky could say the same about you, you were incredibly caring and worried, and passionate and proud. He saw you as such a beautiful person physically and emotionally that one day it was just overwhelming and he questioned his mind for what was happening. Butterflies? Out of breath? Heart doing flips? Strange behavior. 

You knew something was up when you got the idea to paint Bucky. He's got a beautiful profile, long hair, deep eyes and just an overall beautiful face. And what his soul says through his eyes made you want to put it on canvas badly. So you sat him down in a position that could be convenient and began painting him. 

One painting turned into three variations, and those turned into many smaller portraits, and those turned into many, many, many sketched portraits, drawings and even smaller paintings. You also painted and drew his eyes separately, as well as his hair. 

He thinks that's when something inside him started to pull him towards you. When you started to paint him. Less words were exchanged, cause suddenly the both of you grew nervous around each other and make-believe boundaries made you question everything you wanted to say to the other. He honestly loved watching you paint, but he couldn't just say it to you.

Your everyday life consisted of making food, spending time in the forest, gardening, grocery shopping, job hunting, painting, occasional working out and training, visiting others or others visiting you. Sam came by when he wasn't busy doing his Captain America duties. Bruce visited with pies and new experiment stories to tell. Sometimes Tony's former 'body guard' Happy forcely drove Peter Parker to visit you two, his visits were always enlightening. He had lost a lot, and been through a lot, but there was still some of that annoyingly bright enthusiasm in him that made you and Bucky laugh.

One time, about four months since you and Bucky had started to live in the house together, you drove to visit Pepper and Morgan. You wanted to see them both badly, and Bucky agreed to come with you, with Pepper's permission, of course. 

Where they lived was so beautiful. Your summer house could never compare. You brought something you cooked yourself and a harmless gift for Morgan, as well as a good appearance and best behavior. You practically spent the whole day there, talking with Pepper, cooking with her, playing outside with Morgan. Probably the best day you'd had since the battle and the funeral.

“How is everything over there? How are you guys doing?” Pepper asks softly, holding her cup of coffee in hand and looking at you. You're sitting outside, on the terrace, at a table, both of you drinking coffee, talking and watching Bucky and Morgan interact. She's very shy of him, since she doesn't know him at all, but she's warming up slowly.

You can see Bucky was good with kids back in his time, and the old 'habits' start to come back, and it makes you smile. He's trying his best and they're both laughing, so it's alright. You thought Pepper would be cautious towards Bucky playing with Morgan or him even being here, but it is the opposite. She doesn't have any bad thoughts about him, she knows what's happened and she knows what he's done, but she's not like the others. She knows he's not the man HYDRA made him to be.

“We're good.” You respond to her question. “Well, great actually. But there are bad days, of course.” You explain further. “We don't really do much except for cooking and walking and job-hunting.”

“Find anything interesting?” Pepper questions. You chuckle. 

“Certainly.” You nod and you both smile. “There are a lot of options. But I'm just... afraid to go out there. To live such a... such an ordinary, regular life. It seems unnatural of me.” 

“It might at first, but you can't spend your whole life doing nothing.” She says. “Of course, you've made a big difference and left your mark on the world already, but now's the time to think about your... I don't know, childhood dreams and what you've always wanted to do.”

You smile at her. “Thank you, Pepper.” You say. 

“Did you have a childhood dream?” She asks and you take a moment to think about it. Then you laugh, realising what your first one was.

“Yeah, I did, um,” you start to tell, “I wanted to be a surfer, actually.” You admit and you both have a warm laugh together. “Doesn't seem that attractive anymore. But um, I think I just always wanted to help people. And everyone has told me I'm wise in the emotional sense of things, so I could be a therapist, a psychiatrist. One of those.”

“I wish you the best of luck, then.” Pepper says and you nod. “What has he got in mind?” She asks, looking at Bucky and Morgan.

You shrug, genuinely not knowing the answer. “He hasn't told me. And I never asked, either.” You admit. And you sigh, realising you probably should have asked. “We haven't really talked about it.” You admit and decide that you'll do that when you drive home or when you are home.

There isn't a car other than yours driving on the road when you're heading home. Must be normal for a Sunday evening. Bucky's awfully quiet, hasn't said a thing since you got in the car. Something's wrong, you can feel it. And you're not going to spend the rest 50 (at least) minutes of the car ride home in awkward silence.

“Something the matter, Buck?” You ask. He looks at you for a moment, and then looks back out the window. The view ahead is dark, dark trees and dark skies. The sun has set already. Bucky sighs. 

“Can't say no as much as I'd like to, cause you'd know that's not true.” He says and you nod.

“I agree to that.” You say. “So what is it?”

Bucky doesn't say anything for a while. He's trying to put what he feels into a few words. “I was, uh, playing with Morgan,” he begins, “she's so lovely.” He admits. You nod, agreeing to that as well. Bucky takes a deep breath. “Thought about having kids of my own,” he says and stops for a second that gives you the chance to process his words. What is he going to say next?, “And then my thoughts went back to Tony, and I, uh...” He looks down.

You wait for him to speak, you let him take his time. Cause whatever he's feeling, it clearly looks like it's very hard on him. 

“I never got to say 'I'm sorry' about k-killing his parents.” He finally says, and his voice is shaking. You stop the car on the side of the road quickly and unbuckle your seat belt so you could move closer to him. You hear Bucky sniffling. “Never had the chance to talk to him.” He says and you reach for his hands with yours. They're wet with tears already and you squeeze his large hands between your small ones. “And Tony lost his father and now Morgan has lost hers. And I just... I wonder if it's all my fault.” 

You embrace him in a hug and let him cry, moving your hand up and down his back soothingly. “It's not all your fault. None of it is.” You offer and Bucky lifts his head to look at you. His eyes are horribly sad and tearful, and they make you feel bad for him, feel the things he does with him. 

“You think so?” His broken voice asks and you nod. Your faces are very close to each other, but it goes unnoticed by either of you. 

“I know so.” You say and close your eyes. “None of what happened to you is your fault. I know how you must feel for not getting the chance to talk to Tony. But, uh, I think he knows.” You say. “Five years is a long time to overthink a lot of things. He had definitely come to a few conclusions.” 

Bucky looks away and then down at his hands. “I'm sorry, I'm still...” his words make you furrow your eyebrows and you turn his face back to face you, holding his cheek. Only lightly, and that's when your realise how close you really are to each other.

“You don't ever have to apologise to me for talking or crying, I promise.” You say. “You don't have to hide.” 

Bucky tries to sigh without shaky breath, but it still trembles. “How can I?” He questions and you, out of habit, move a strand of his brown locks behind his ear. The gesture makes him look at you, and he blinks once or twice to get the tears out of his eyes. 

“Don't let there be barriers.” You whisper. “Don't filter the feelings that want to come out, let them.” You say and offer him a smile. Bucky doesn't respond for a moment, but then he looks straight at you, determined eyes not so far from yours. As well as lips. 

“What if I've hid so much that I'm scared to tell someone my feelings?” He asks softly, his hands finding yours in between you both. You glance down at them and stammer a bit.

“Are-Are they a good person?” You decide to ask. “To you?”

“The best.” Bucky says and chuckles airily. Well, you're glad he's smiling. But you don't have time to linger on it too much—the former soldier's lips have finally pulled towards yours and you're kissing. You're actually kissing.

You're a bit confused at first, but then you smile brighter than the sun and kiss back, your hands on Bucky's cheeks, and pull yourself on his lap, pulling him as close to you as possible. And he, of course, reciprocates, his arms around your back, holding you as though you might slip away. 

You won't. Not for a long time. This is what you want, this is what he wants. You've found each other in the right way and at the right time, and neither of you would ever voluntarily walk away from this. Not ever. 

A/N: And they lived happily ever after in their little lake castle. Or, another episode of me not being able to write normal endings. Hope you enjoyed! Happy tears :)

Permanent taglist: @v0idbella @inlovewithmiddleagedcelebs @works-of-fanfiction @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @stfxlou @ur-gunna-h8-ths @one-taylor-one-vision @empressdreams @betweenloveandfire @but-legendsneverdie @deardeacy @mavieesttriste16 @fvckyeahbenhardy @thewinchesterchronicles

[metanoiagame]

Hello!! This concept seems very intriguing and dark, and I really want to know more about characters and stuff (if it's not a spoiler territory or smth). So can you tell us more about Cullen? And I googled what metanoia is and like,,, did mc do smth they really regret doing? And if I'm right, is it set in stone thing or will we have a choice? (sorry for my rambling btw I'm just so excited ;))

ahh, don’t apologize for rambling dear Anon – I do it too! Haha! ;)

sorry this is so late – I meant to respond sooner but life had to kick me into gear for a  hot hour lol

Some Cullen Facts for Anon [super minor spoilers and unneeded info about the pessimistic child]

Let’s see… Cullen was admitted to Pinewood when he was just a tiny boy, probably around the age of 12 or 13, by his father without his mother’s knowledge. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia by a ‘doctor’ [if you can call them that] – and is very adamant that he does not suffer from schizophrenia.

Cullen is one of those horribly pessimistic souls that kinda baby koala’s onto people that don’t get immediately turned off by his sad demeanor. He tries, however, to be positive but it’s just… hard for him.

He likes to cuddle, so if the MC romances him or even goes for a platonic relationship, there are gonna be cuddles and domestic, loving touches when possible.

Cullen has flaming red hair – like abnormally red. Super red. He has [almost] apple colored hair.

Cullen may or may not be unsure about his romantic preference. On one hand, he really likes women! On the other… he really likes men and people who identify differently

I can’t be too specific about MC’s past as of yet buuuut… yeah, MC did something that they regret doing. As of right now, I am planning on having what they had done be a selectable choice but ‘canon’ MC did something almost unforgivable…

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Zombieland Saga 7 - 8 | Merc Storia 6 | SSSS.Gridman 7 | Double Decker! 9 | Golden Kamuy 19

Zombieland Saga 7

As much as I worry about Junko…where’s Ai?

Parts of the OP have changed since I last paid attention to it, huh? Now there’s a segment where all the zombified (i.e. undead) versions of the girls appear. Then there’s a new bit where you see Romero looking at Kotaro, wagging his tail. Then there’s a bit with the zombie-idol girls together in an AKB48 sort of pose in a 70s-style room…I think that’s all the new stuff, really.

Come to think of it, last time the episode was Datte Sentimental Saga, this time the episode is Keredo Zombiemental Saga. Both somehow become “Because It’s [fill in blank with appropriate word] Saga”.

I’ve noticed a pattern – every idol show I watch causes me a considerable amount of stress as I worry about whether the characters will be able to deal with their problems. It’s nice that they develop their characters so much, but it’s bad for me…

I feel like hearing Miyano’s delivery over the lines “Kicky blammo!” kind of softenend the funniness factor of the line. (i.e. It was funnier when I had the volume off.) But his mouth-wide-open face is funny.

I wonder…as touching as it is to have Kotaro give this pep speech, it almost seems out of character for him. Maybe it might’ve been better to have Junko come to the realisation herself, rather than have something to grow mushrooms over? But that’s just the opinion of someone who thinks ranty Kotaro is how he is 100% of the time. I’m also fine with more sensitive Kotaro, I just wish I could’ve seen that side when he was dealing with just Sakura.

So Ai didn’t die at Saga Rock…hmm. I take my words from the previous episode back.

Truck-kun Strikes Back, this show should be called. Truck-kun Strikes Back.

I just noticed that’s the Cygames building…and Cygames is a sponsor of Zombieland Saga.

Well…we’re back with the CGI it seems. It’s not entirely bad, but could be a lot worse.

Merc Storia 6

Well…I think this Halloween special is a few weeks too late…

This stuff about carrying a rock…just make Bright Stone necklaces. That way you free up your hands!

Cosette? Like Les Miserables?!

Interestingly, in stories like this, parents always get pulled into the dreamland after their kids do (see Junkers Come Here for another example).

Tatsuhisa Suzuki? Takehito Koyasu? Man, I so didn’t pay attention to the voices this episode…

SSSS.Gridman 7

RIP Special Dog…round 2.

“I think nothing.” – See, Samurai Calibur is best boi!

Why does Alexis meeting Yuuta look like a Meeting with the Parents (y’know, one of those meeting you have with a girlfriend’s parents to see if the boyfriend is suitable for their little darling)?

This pointy thing in the air reminds me of Eva…like an Angel, y’know?

I think the pause for Vit’s reaction went a little too long…I thought my video was glitching, but reacted slightly too late to pause it.

The blood of Anti was way too orange…but I guess that’s better than having red blood which makes people puke…and gets the BPO to complain, to boot…

Update: The missile movements looked familiar…that’s because they were an Itano Circus (which is the same as the Macross Missile Massacre I believe I mentioned in a previous episode).

Update 2: I just watched the source short and there was a bit of animation copied from there! The bit where the bike rattles in its bindings!

Double Decker! 9

(something along the lines of “you’re just going to use the view hack to peep on us, right?”) - Owwch, I can feel the Apple Bieber burn from here!...But why does Sophie slur her words slightly so that they come out as “Twavis” etc….?

Randomly, Doug has a moustache! Wahaha…sorry, this isn’t very informative, huh? I only have two sets of reactions: the insightful ones which have all my knowledge behind them, or the reactive ones which don’t amount to much…

I find it interesting Kirill says “Ore ga idea ga aru”. Why? Because 1) Kirill uses “ore”, likely as a way to assert his masculinity even with his feminine-looking face and 2) there is a kanji for “idea” (teian), but he uses the katakana version, likely to indicate how young he is in comparison to (most of) the other investigators (he’s 20 remember). Or alternatively, he’s meant to be speaking English. Or both those reasons.

Well, that’s (the rollerskate getaway) a getaway I thought I’d never see in a cop show…it looks almost as if it would work better in Cardcaptor Sakura than here! (I’m laughing, but also engrossed in the show, don’t worry.)

I still can’t tell what the lyrics are to Buntline Special…but if I’m not mistaken, some of the initial lyrics are “Don’t give a s*** now”. Or…I could’ve just misheard that. We won’t know until official lyrics are out, y’know?

Oh dear, they’re going into biology territory next time! Time for my biology contact to strut their stuff! (See WordPress for more on that...the info I’m talking about is in one of the roundups.)

Golden Kamuy 19

I find it interesting that only now Sugimoto is exploring the nature of greed…both the living and the dead’s meaning of it.

As much as I find it entertaining that Koito seems to be getting flustered (in what way? *raises eyebrows*) about Tsurumi praising him…why does the 7th always seem to opt for making the skins they get into shirts? I thought that stuff was over after Edogai died and the earless twin got his ear  made into a thing he wears on his head…

Monkfish.

Once again…a character I thought was “pure” (in the context of this series anyway) turns out to have been a killer since he was young. For some reason, Ogata is popular with the ladies in Japan though…I don’t quite get it myself, but hey. What can I do for stats outside my control?

Apparently the ED visual, where Asirpa listens to Sugimoto’s heartbeat, was Noda-sensei’s idea.

Zombieland Saga 8

Ooh, I’ve read enough spoilers about Lily to only want to know the portrayal of how it goes down at this point…

I just realised the onsen was called Ureshino Onsen = ureshii no onsen (happy onsen, i.e. an onsen that brings/gives happiness).

Franchouchou ad for Drive-In Tori on the TV, I see…

Even if I don’t know the lyrics of the OP all that much, I definitely know when to join in with a SA-GAAAAAAAAAAA! at the end, right? That OP’s grown on me, but it’s nowhere near my favourite.

Kyoseki Park. It literally means “giant rock park”, so that’s where the boulders come from.

Have you noticed Kotaro isn’t actually blowing into the shell and he’s verbalising the noise he thinks will come out of the shell? That’s a silly touch, but one I appreciate.

A yak…? Oh right, a yakuza!

I love the rolling sobat so much, I found it again on Reddit!

Lily actually uses the word “Pappy”, which is uncommon for Japan…they tend to use “dad”, “father” or “papa” instead.

Tiny Kotaro really sells that first eyecatch.

Nyoki is the sound effect of something popping out of the earth. It’s the same for mushrooms, y’know. I love mushrooms. (Even Tae’s going nyoki…haha!)

When the SFX went “twang”, I thought that was the end of that, but Kotaro is actually holding an instrument to make his own SFX again! Genius, man, you’re an absolute genius!

I’m sorry for laughing during a dramatic moment, but if Takeo’s face can be covered by his hand like that…he has darned Yaoi Hands! Hahaha! Okay, I’m sorry. Carry on.

I remember reading on the official site Lily died in 2011, so…more recent than Sakura. So a TV-hating man like him would be pretty obvious in a day and age like that.

Aw…I shed a tear or two for Lily, too. Update: Or 10. I’m not crying. You’re crying…

Wait, does this mean Kotaro is also a lyricist? And/or a songwriter? That is a man of many talents!...Aaaaaaaaaaand now I need a tissue box. Brb.

Oh wow, that next episode title has a lotta words! I thought it was going to be about Yuugiri, but it could be about Saki…hmm…or anyone we haven’t seen in the spotlight yet. Who knows? Only those who watch it or make it! Oh, now that I’ve watched it through, it does seem to be about Saki!