#sorry about the terrible quality i had to screenshot these myself

[spinnysocks]

they're gay. to me. toxic yaoi if you will

[dellamortte]

Can I have some advice on how you make gifs?  I want to start making gifs, but I have no idea where to start.  What programs to use or how I can even get movies to turn into gifs when there are so many copyright laws trying to stop me.

ah i should clarify that i'm terrible at explaining things, and i'm still a beginner myself but i will do my best to give you some advice/tips that can help you get started!! or at least know where to start looking! i will admit that it does require a lot of patience and some knowledge of photo/video editing. it will seem complicated and overwhelming at first, but take it slow and do your best! (i had to put it under a read more as it got quite long!)

firstly, in terms of what program to use, it's entirely up to you and whichever ones you can get a hold of easily. 'photoshop' is the most popular choice, but i personally use a program called GIMP (GNU image manipulation program), it's free to download and it's basically just a copy of photoshop! the only problem is that a lot of people don't use gimp, so finding tutorials is really hard and photoshop has psds & better quality options. but again, it's entirely your choice! i believe there are a few websites/apps on your phone that can make gifs, but i don't think the quality is always good.

depending on which one you decide to use, just google 'how to make gifs tumblr' and there will be many posts to choose from! i would recommend this one if you're going to use photoshop as it is very detailed & includes other programs you'll need! if you decide to use gimp, unfortunately i can't find the link to the particular tutorial i originally used anymore :( but this tutorial is probably the closest i could find, although there's a few extra steps/plugins that i personally don't use.

secondly, you will need a program/app that lets you take screenshots, i personally use 'kmplayer' but some tutorials will offer you alternatives. i would recommend kmplayer because it also has a built in youtube downloader, and it's pretty safe! this photoshop tutorial shows how to take continuous screenshots for your gifs!

and lastly, getting a hold of footage is the one thing that i really struggle with too. there's different ways to do this but it all depends on your internet security and what you know about t*rrenting/p*rating. you can use a screen recorder to capture scenes though most services won't allow it. perhaps to get you started, i would suggest using download to mp4 websites to get hd clips from youtube, or try your best to find websites that have the movies/shows you want in good quality! i would only recommend using sites like that if you have really good internet security or a vpn. please be extremely careful!!

i hope that you find this helpful in some way!! i'm sorry that i couldn't offer more, but like i said, i am still a beginner myself! i wish you luck if you decide to give it a try! it's a lot of trial and error, but one day you'll figure it out and it'll be a piece of cake :D

[ga-yuu]

~Kurama~Main Story Chapter 21~

Before reading this story I suggest you read Kurama and Ibuki's past. Also I’m sorry for not putting any screenshots of the chapter, I accidently deleted it.

Chapter 20

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-------Part 1-------

After bathing, we returned to the temple in the mountains and started preparing for bed. Kurama: "Sleep well tonight. We have to leave early, tomorrow." Yoshino: ".....Mm." (It's just the two of us in the same room....now, I'm starting to get nervous....) I started blushing as I recall our time at the lake. I lay down in the corner of the room and used my haori to cover up. Yoshino: "Doesn't Kurama ever sleep?" Kurama: "You know, right? Demons don't need sleep, unlike humans." Yoshino: "I see...." Kurama: "Why are you making that face?" (Ah......) Suddenly Kurama came to my side and kneeled down to turn my face towards him. Kurama: "Is that an invitation to sleep together? Or...is it a plea to make love to you." As soon as I heard those words, my heart started beating fast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. What if, it is.....(+4/+4) 2. I don't care.... 3. Not at all... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yoshino: "......What if, it is?" I was so excited that I almost forgot how to breathe and pretended to be calm... Kurama: "Then, I'll fill your head and body with more pleasure than you can possibly imagine." Yoshino: "You know what, forget it." Kurama: "Then what do you want? What are you thinking?" Kurama's fingers caress my cheek in a compassionate manner. (You're not teasing me, right.....?) The touch of his palm that has the power to kill me in an instant was terribly gentle. That's why my heart is beating faster and faster because I can't get rid of it. Yoshino: "I was just feeling anxious." Kurama: "Anxious of what?" Yoshino: "It's just....Kurama will be awake while I'm sleeping, right? So I was anxious about embarrassing myself in front of you when I'm asleep. Like, what if I sleep talk or snore loudly...?" Kurama: ".........." Yoshino: "Oh, you're probably thinking, 'What a load of rubbish,' aren't you?" A hint of dismay flashed across Kurama's face. Kurama: "Ohh, I see you've learned to read my thoughts." (I was right....) Yoshino: "Of course, I know that Kurama isn't interested in seeing me asleep....But even so, it's embarrassing to know that you were watching me sleep." Kurama: "Stupid woman." Yoshino: "Stupid...?" I lightly looked at Kurama. Kurama: "Why do you think I'd be more interested if you went to the trouble of saying so?" (Ehh...) Yoshino: "No no way." Kurama: "Don't worry. I'll tell you tomorrow if you were drooling or not." Yoshino: "Hey!!!" (Wow!!) He gently pushed me down to the bed when I tried getting up. Then, his big hand covered my eyes. Kurama: "Sleep now." Kurama's deep voice was gentle in the darkness created. Kurama: "What I see of you now will never swoon me. I've seen you scared, in tears and.....also you're sultry face when I play with you." (...What are you...) The embarrassment never went away, but the mystery was compelling. Yoshino: "Indeed, I have always been my true self to Kurama." Kurama: "You're the only woman I've ever known who could be so brazen in front of me."

-------Part 2-------

Kurama: "You're the only woman I've ever known who could be so brazen in front of me." Yoshino: "Hehe...really? But..." (I feel like I can express my feelings more honestly now that I can't see Kurama's face.) Yoshino: "I just couldn't complete with Kurama, who was so much stronger and different than me. First I didn't want to be killed, then I wanted to be recognized.....and finally, I wanted to be equal." Kurama: "-----I see." Yoshino: "Mm....." I felt Kurama's other hand gently stroking my hair. (It feels good. I wish you would do it all the time.) I know that my wish wouldn't come true. We sharpen our awareness of the feeling that we may never be given again. Kurama: "-----Yoshino." Whether in a dream or not, I heard Kurama's voice calling my name. That was the last thing I remembered that night. When Kurama sees Yoshino starting to breathe slowly, he stops stroking her hair. Kurama: ".....Yoshino? You're already asleep." Her face was more innocent than usual. Kurama was sitting in crossed leg position, leaned forward, and looked at her with an insatiable gaze. Kurama: "What I see of you now will never swoon me" is what I said....why did I lie?" The smile on her face when she looks at something trivial, the peaceful look on her face when she sleeps. Those moments always touched Kurama's heart and will probably never go away. Kurama: "What is this...feeling?" (It's called love, dumbass!) Kurama put his hand to his chest in the darkness and raised an eyebrow.... ..................... ------Next day, early morning. Yoshino: "We're going to join up with the Rebel reinforcements, aren't we?" Kurama: "Yes." I was walking along with Kurama into the mountains. Kurama: "In half a day or so the reinforcements will arrive on the battlefield, and we'll make our way to a point where we can join them. It's a circuitous route, but it's easier to deceive the enemy if you go through the mountains. If we should meet any assassins, I will destroy them myself. If the Rebels and the Shogunate are to assemble, the Imperial Court will have gathered a number of pawns to oppose them." (There's no one more reliable than you to have on my side. But....) Kurama: "What? If you have something to say, say it." Yoshino: "Of course, I agree with the plan, but I thought it was a surprising decision for Kurama." (From what I've seen so far, Kurama could fly through the air and join up with the reinforcements at once and....) (He also said, he is going to find the enemy and beat them up...) I didn't have to explain myself to everyone, that I understood what he's trying to say. Then Kurama opens his mouth annoyingly. Kurama: "In the shadows of the marauders of the court are at least Yasuchika and Ibuki."

------Part 3------

Kurama: "In the shadows of the marauders of the court are at least Yasuchika and Ibuki. We don't know what they're up to, but it's easier to fight after making sure your safe." (You mean you've changed your normal ways because of me....?) Kurama, who is not stained by anyone else, is working for me. I didn't even know whether to be happy or horrified, so I just kept quiet. Kurama: "Wait!" (Hm?) Suddenly his hand blocks my way and my body stops. The air around Kurama was tense at once. Kurama: "Come on out----Ibuki!" Yoshino: "!!" In an instant, a blade of wind blows and cuts through the depths of the grove. Ibuki: ".....My my, that was scary. I could have died, you know." (Shuten Doji, Ibuki!) Ibuki walks towards us with a relaxed expression on his face, and despite his words, he is unharmed. Kurama: "How did you find out where we were?" Ibuki: "I was having a hard time because I lost the traces of your magic. I had no choice but to cry and beg Yasuchika to help me. He used some kind of astrology or something and here I am." (Yasuchika-san can do that too....? That guy is unbelievable.) Kurama: "Do you really think I'll believe that?" Ibuki: "You're right. You're the third person who I can't trick. But more importantly, what's your deal with her?" (Me....?) I squeezed my fingertips together and stared back into Ibuki's amused eyes. Kurama: "I don't have any business with her." Ibuki: "Really?" Ibuki raised one hand in the air as if it were an extension of small talk between friends. Ibuki: "Then, you won't mind if I take her, right?" Kurama: "----!! Come here." (This is!?) Something like a thunderbolt is running around Ibuki. The next moment----- Yoshino: "Kyaa!!" The roar was deafening and the light dazzled me with its intensity. At the same time, my body is already flying in the air, held by Kurama. Kurama: "Hold on tight." Yoshino: "Yes." I looked back and saw that the ground where we had been standing was scorched by the bolt of lightning. (This is Ibuki's power!?) Ibuki: "Oops, I missed." Once again, a bolt of lightning shot through the air, which Kurama avoided with me in his arms. We tried to go further up, but.... Kurama: "-----A barrier!" As if sensing an invisible wall, Kurama swooped down and clicked his tongue. Ibuki: "The only way to trap flying birds is to put it in a cage." (You mean, we're trapped in here, forever?) Ibuki: "Well, it won't last long---I'm afraid we'll have to settle for a short game, Kurama." Kurama: "I don't need to be told that I'm not going to have a long game with you." The air swirls and distorts noisily, and countless transparent blades head towards Ibuki. Ibuki: "Heh.....Hahaha...." Ibuki jumped to his feet, pulled out his greatsword, and thrust it hard into the ground. Then the sands of the earth flew up like a shield to protect Ibuki. (What is that!?) Yoshino: "I thought your power is thunder....how can you...?" Ibuki: "It is a simple application. The iron in the sand is attracted by my lightning power."

-------Part 4-------

Ibuki: "It is a simple application. The iron in the sand is attracted by my lightning power." Kurama: "Clever as ever." A flash of a fan sends a gust of wind so strong that it is impossible to stand properly and breaks the wall of sand. Ibuki: "...!" Behind the dust, blood trickled down Ibuki's shoulders and arms. (So much power....!) Ibuki: "I'm impressed you're this strong even after making a deal with a human. As expected of the Karasu Tengu, the quality and quantity of his abilities are far different from those of any other ordinary." Kurama: "Don't try to flatter me. The same goes for you too. But----" His red eyes sharply narrowed. Kurama: "Ibuki, you are sharing your power with someone. With whom?" Yoshino: "Eh..." Ibuki: "You're as intuitive as ever." Kurama: "I was wondering what you were doing with all that power...there's something wrong with the quality of your powers and the smell." Ibuki: "..............." Yoshino: "No way, Ibuki also made a deal....?" (However.) -----Tamamo told me that it was very rare for a demon to make a deal. (Because it halves their power by sharing it with humans.) (He said they don't make a deal with humans unless they like them very much.) Yoshino: "Maybe, Yasuchika-san.....?" Ibuki: "Wrong. Making a deal with an Onmyoji will cancel out each other's powers and we'll both destroy ourselves." (Then who....) Ibuki: "There's one more interesting person." Kurama: "Interesting, huh?" With me behind him, and Ibuki at a distance, Kurama continued calmly. Kurama: "Your powers had been subtly altered. I've never heard of anyone influencing the quality of the power cast by a demon." Ibuki: "You'll both meet each other soon enough. For now, watch me....okay?" Holding his greatsword above his head with one hand, Ibuki smiled wryly. Kurama: "Yoshino, get down." Yoshino: "I'll fight too. I can use my powers...." (I want to be an equal----because I want to be strong.) Kurama frowned but tried not to stop me anymore. Ibuki: "You two are so cute. But there's nothing more frightening than an impromptu fight." (Ah.....) A white flash of light comes from the sword, which is swung with ease. Kurama: "Yoshino!" I raised my hand towards him and Kurama holds me. (I'm scared, but.) (If we can't fight here, everything we've been worrying about will be for nothing!) (Please, lend me the power of the nine-tail fox!) Ibuki: "Let's see what you got."

-------Part 5------

Ibuki: "Let's see what you got." The golden dew rises and the palms of my hands become hot. But a series of thunderbolts were aimed at me again. Yoshino: "Nn...." (He's too strong. I can't take him on my own!) I was on the verge of being scorched and Kurama was quickly holding me and kicking the earth. Yoshino: "T-Thank you." Kurama: "You stay focused. I'll dodge and counterattack." Ibuki: "So you've changed your mind about making her as your toy? Kurama." The blades of the wind are caught and dodged one by one. Moving too fast for his height, Ibuki unexpectedly lifted a rock from the ground. Kurama: "...!" (Ngh.....) Ibuki: "Here we go." Without saying a word, Kurama hits the thrown rock with a tremendous wind and reduces its momentum, but----- The impact of the rock, which just barely missed the path of the direct hit, knocked me off my feet and sent me stumbling. Kurama: "Yoshino!" Ibuki: "There there." Kurama: "Nn...ha..." A flash of lightning burned Kurama's arm as he brought me to my feet. Yoshino: "Kurama!" Kurama: "It doesn't matter..." (You got hurt because of me...) I bit my lips when I see Kurama covering me up with his bleeding hand. Ibuki: "You can counteract the ability, but you can't prevent a direct attack. A mixture of powers and brute strength will be enough to counteract it. Too bad, huh? Yoshino." (I know....the weakness of my fox power is that I can't fight alone. But....) Yoshino: "I can't believe this..." I look at the rocks on the ground and mutter. Ibuki: "There's nothing to be surprised about. Demons are known for their strength." Kurama: "If you

want to show off, do it somewhere else." Ibuki: "Don't be so sure, Karasu Tengu must also have things to be proud of, right?" Ibuki grumbled as a wall of sand barely blocked the deadly wind. Ibuki: "Karasu Tengu is not only powerful, but they are also fast and use their wings to attack in all directions. But Kurama, unfortunately with Yoshino in your arms, you've been denied that advantage." (Ah.....) Kurama: "..........." I looked up Kurama without thinking of the strong wind. Ibuki: "Is this your first time fighting for someone?----Boy, you look like you're having a hard time." Kurama: "Shut up." (....I knew. I knew I was slowing down Kurama.) Ibuki's shield, a wall of sand, collapsed with the blade of the wind. Ibuki kicked the ground in spite of this. Ibuki: "I love to hear you calling me 'Oni-san' again..." A whirlpool of wind flies in pursuit of it, and the dust again stands in the way, moving as if trying to swallow it up. Ibuki: "You're weak now, Kurama. In the old days, you had a chance to win against me." (Be careful!) In a single breath, Ibuki's sword swung down on Kurama. Kurama: "----You don't get to tell me about my past." The heavy blow was caught by Kurama's iron fan. But he was pushed by the great force----- (It is because he got hurt earlier....?) Ibuki: "Didn't I tell you? Kurama. The weaklings are destined to die at the feet of stronger ones. I'll remind you of the humiliation of being taken from you by force." Kurama: "Nn...." (What!?) The sword and the fan touched each other with a crisp sound, and blue-white sparks flew from them. The impact created a momentary gap and Ibuki slashed Kurama across the shoulder. Yoshino: "Kurama!" Fresh blood dripped down and stained Kurama's kimono. (......I can't believe that Kurama is so hurt.) Kurama: "----A different kind of power wrapped in the golden air. Depressing as ever." Ibuki: "You know me too well. Well, I did raise you with these hands. Oh, by the way, Kurama....do you remember a promise I made a long time ago? That, one day you'll have someone you care about, and I'll break them with my own hands." The tip of Ibuki's sword, raised in laughter, was suddenly pointed at me. (Eh....) Ibuki: "That time has come." Kurama: "Stop! Ibuki-----" Yoshino: "......!!" Kurama pushes me and I fall to the ground. The next moment, I felt a splash of blood on my face. I realized it was Kurama's blood. Yoshino: "Kurama...what..." Kurama: "Nn.....Didn't I order you not to get scratched by other men?" Chapter 22

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 8 “Dark”

Welcome back, everyone! Can you believe it's been six weeks already? I can't. Something something the uncomfortable passage of time during a pandemic as emphasized by a web-series.

But we're here to talk about RWBY the fictional story, not RWBY the cultural icon. At least, we will in a moment. First, I'd like to acknowledge that shaky line between the two, growing blurrier with every volume. A sort of good news, bad news situation.

The bad news — to get that out of the way — is that we cannot easily separate RWBY from its authors and those authors have, sadly, been drawing a lot of negative attention as of late. This isn't anything new, not at all, but I think the unexpectedly long hiatus gave a lot of fans (myself included) the chance to think about Rooster Teeth's failings without getting distracted by their biggest and brightest production. There's a laundry list of problems here — everything from the behavior of voice actors to the quality of their merch — but as a sort of summary issue, I'd like to highlight the reviews that continue to pop up on websites like Glassdoor, detailing the toxic, sexist, crunch-obsessed environment that RT employees are forced to work in. A lot of these websites requires a login to read more than a page of reviews, but you can check out a Twitter thread about it here. 

Now, I want to be clear: I'm not bringing this up as a way to shame anyone enjoying RWBY. This isn't a simplistic claim of, "The authors are Problematic™ and therefore you can't like the stuff they produce." Nor is this meant to be a catch-all excuse for RWBY's problems. If it were, I'd have dropped these recaps years ago. I'm of the belief that audiences maintain the right to both praise and criticize the work they're given, regardless of the context in which that work was produced. At the end of the day, RT has presented RWBY as a finished product and, more than that, presents it as an excellent product, one worth both our emotional investment and our money (whether in the form of paying for a First account, or encouraging us to buy merch, attend cons, etc.) I'll continue to critique RWBY as needed, but I a) wanted fans to be at least peripherally aware of these issues and b) clarify that my use of "RT" in statements like, "I can't believe RT is screwing up this badly" is meant to be a broad, nebulas acknowledgement that someone in the company is screwing up, either creatively (doesn't have the skill to write a good scene) or morally (hasn't created an environment in which other creators are capable of crafting a good scene). The real, inner workings of such companies are mostly a secret to their audiences and thus it's near impossible for someone like me — random fan writing these for fun as a casual side hobby — to accurately point fingers. Hence, broad "RT." I just wanted to clarify that when I use this it's as a necessary placeholder for whoever is actually responsible, not a damnation of the overworked animator breaking down in a bathroom. Heavy stuff, but I thought it was necessary (or at least worthwhile) to acknowledge this issue as we head into the second half of the volume.

Now for the good news: RWBY has reached 100 episodes! For any who may not know, 100 is a pretty significant number in the TV world because, when talking about prime time programming, it guarantees syndicated reruns. Basically, networks don't want audiences to get burned out with a show — changing the channel when it comes on because ugh, I've seen this already, recently too — and 100 episodes allows for a roughly five month run without any repeats, making it very profitable. RWBY is obviously not a television show and doesn't benefit from any of this (hell, modern television doesn't benefit from this as much as it used to, not in the age of streaming), but the 100 episode threshold is still ingrained in American culture. Beyond just being a nice, rounded number, it is historically a measure of huge success and I can't imagine that RT isn't aware of that. Regardless of what we think of RWBY's current quality, this is one hell of a milestone and should be applauded.

All that being said... RWBY's quality is definitely still lacking lol.

Our 100th episode is titled "Dark" — keeping with the one word titles, then — and I'd like to emphasize that, as a 100th episode, it definitely delivers in terms of plot. There's plenty of action, important character beats, and at least one major reveal, everything we'd expect from a milestone and a Part II premiere. The animation also continues to be noteworthy for its beauty, as I found myself admiring many of the screenshots I took for this recap. There are certainly things to praise. The only problem (one we're all familiar with by now) is that these small successes are situated within a narrative that's otherwise falling apart. It's all good stuff... provided you ignore literally everything else surrounding it.

But let's dive into some examples. We open on Qrow starting, awoken by the thunder outside. Robyn has been watching him and makes a peppy comment about how none of them will be sleeping tonight, followed by a more serious, "Sounds bad out there." Yeah, it does sound bad, especially when they all know — thanks to Ruby's message back in Volume 7 — that this is due to Salem's arrival. I think a lot of the fandom has forgotten that little detail because people often discuss Qrow as if he is entirely ignorant of what is going on outside his cell. Even if we were to assume that he's forgotten all about the pesky Salem issue (the horror of Clover's death overriding everything else, perhaps) he still knows that Tyrian is running loose in a heat-less city with a creepy storm going on and, from his perspective, the Very Evil Ironwood is still running the show. So it's bad, which begs the question of why Qrow (and Robyn, for that matter) hasn't displayed an ounce of legitimate worry for everyone he knows out there. Thus far, their interactions have centered entirely around Qrow's misplaced blame and Robyn's terrible attempts to lighten the mood, despite the fact that a war is raging right beyond that wall. It's another example of RWBY's inability to manage tone properly, to say nothing of balancing the multiple concerns any one character should be trying to juggle. Just as it rankles that Ruby and Yang don't seem to care about what has happened to their uncle, Qrow likewise doesn't seem to care about what might be happening to his nieces. When did we reach a point where these relationships are so broken that someone can be arrested/chucked into a deadly battle and the others just... ignore that?

So Robyn's otherwise innocuous comment immediately reminds me of how badly the narrative has treated these conflicts and, sadly, things don't improve much from here. We are thankfully spared more of Robyn's jokes when Qrow realizes that what he's hearing can't be thunder. A second later, Cinder blasts through the wall — called it! — and Qrow instinctively transforms. 

The only downside to this moment is that the whole ceiling falls down on Qrow and the others because APPARENTLY these cells don't have tops on them. Seriously. As far as I can recall we don't see the stone breaking through the forcefield somehow and this looks pretty open to me.

If it is... you're telling me these crazy powerful fighters who practice landing strategies and leap tall buildings in a single bound —

— can't just hop over this mildly high electric fence to get out? Qrow can't just fly away?

We're, like, two minutes in, folks.

We transfer to Nora's perspective as she wakes up, seeing Klein giving her the IV. He tells her not to worry, that "you and your friend are going to be just fine." What friend? Penny? Klein went upstairs prior to Weiss hugging Whitley or Penny crash landing outside. I had thought them bursting through the door with another unconscious friend was the first time he learned what the big bang outside was, but apparently not.

Penny is, obviously, a mess. While I now understand the choice to make her blood such an eye-catching color when that's crucial to the Hound's hunt, I still think it looks strange visually. Like someone has taken a copy of RWBY and painted over it. It doesn't look like it fits the art style. More than that, it implies some rather complicated things about Penny's humanity, especially in a volume focused around her being a "real girl." Real enough for Maiden powers, but with obviously inhuman blood that isn't even referred to as "bleeding." Penny "leaks" instead.

Toss in the fact that she's literally an android who is made up of tech — recall the running gags about her being heavy, or it hurts to fist-bump her, to say nothing of keeping things like multiple blades inside her body — yet Klein says that her "basic anatomy" is the same and he can "stitch up that wound."

I'm sorry, what? Whatever Penny looks like on the inside, it's not going to resemble a human woman's anatomy, and Klein might be able to stitch the outer layer of skin she's got, but that won't do anything to fix whatever metal bits have been broken underneath. Penny isn't a human-robot hybrid, she's a robot with an aura. Penny has knives in her back, rockets in her feet, and a super computer behind her eyes. When our clip introduced that Klein would be the one to help Penny, my initial reaction was, "Seriously? He's a butler and a doctor and an engineer?" But RWBY didn't even try to get away with a Super Klein explanation, they just waved away Penny's very obvious, inhuman anatomy. Yeah, I'm sure "stitching up" an android wound is just like giving Nora her IV. I hope the surgical sutures he used are extra strong!

In an effort to not entirely drag this episode, I do appreciate that Whitley is allowed an "ugh" moment about the non-blood covering his shirt without anyone calling him out on it. That felt like the sort of thing the show would usually try to make a character feel guilty about and I'm glad that, for once, he was just allowed to be frustrated without comment.

Then the power goes out and May calls, which raises questions about what state the CCTS is in and when scrolls are available to our protagonists vs. when they're not. But whatever. She's checking in because she just "saw another bombing run light up the Kingdom" and —

Wait. Bombing? Salem is bombing the city? I know we've seen explosions in the sky, but I'd always just attributed that to evil aesthetic. Why does this dialogue sound like it's from a World War II film and not a fantasy sci-fi show about literal monsters launching a ground attack?

May looks pretty against the sky though. I like her hair color against that purple.

I'm admittedly grasping at positives here because we finally return to her "You have to choose" ultimatum and — surprise! — May has pulled back completely. Ruby says that once they've helped Penny, "We'll...we'll do something!" which is once again her avoiding making a decision. Ruby still refuses to choose, instead falling back on generic, optimistic pep talks. They'll figure out how to stop Salem later. They'll think about the impact of telling the world later. They'll choose who to help later. Ruby keeps pushing these problems into the future where, she hopes, a perfect, magical solution will have appeared for her to latch onto. When that continues to not happen, others pressuring her to actually do something and stop waiting for perfection — Ironwood, Yang, May — she panics and continues stalling for time. Wait an episode and the narrative supports her in this.

Because initially May was forcing Ruby to decide. Now, May enables her desire to keep putting things off. "Don't beat yourself up, kid. At this point, I don't know how much is left to be done." That's the exact opposite of what May believed last episode, that there was still so much work and good to do for the people of Mantle. This is precisely what the show did with Yang and Ren's scenes too, having people call Ruby out... but then return to a message of, 'Don't worry, you're actually doing just fine' before Ruby is forced to actually change.

None of which even touches on May calling her "kid" in this moment. That continues to be a convenient way of absolving Ruby of any responsibility. When she wants to steal airships or Amity Tower, she's an adult everyone should listen to, the leader of this war. When the story wants to absolve her of previously mentioned flaws, she becomes a kid who shouldn't "beat herself up." I said years ago that RWBY couldn't continue to let the group be both children and adults simultaneously, yet here we are.

So that was a thoroughly disappointing scene. Ruby gets her moment to look sad and defeated, listing "the grimm, the crater, Nora, Penny" as problems she doesn't know how to solve. Note that 'Immortal witch attacking the city I've helped trap here' isn't included in that list. Ruby is still ignoring Salem herself and no one in the group is picking up where May left off, challenging her to do more than wring her hands over things others are already trying to take care of: Ironwood is fighting the grimm, May has gone off to help the crater, Klein is patching up Nora and Penny. Ruby, as one flawed individual, should not be expected to come up with a solution to everything, but she does need to stop acting like she can come up with a solution to everything when it matters most (office scene) and rejecting others' solutions when they ask for her help (Ironwood, May).

If it feels like I'm dragging the flawed, traumatized teenager too much, it's not in an effort to ignore those aspects of her identity. Rather, it's because she's also the licensed huntress who wrested control from a world leader and violently demanded she be put in charge of this battle. Ruby, by her own actions, is now responsible for dealing with these problems, or admitting she was wrong and letting others take the lead, without purposefully derailing their plans. She doesn't get to suddenly go, "I don't know," cry a little, and get sympathetic pats.

But of course that's precisely what happens, courtesy of Weiss.

During this whole scene I kept wondering why no one was celebrating Nora waking up, especially when Ruby outright mentions her. Have they just not noticed given all the Penny drama? Because Nora absolutely woke up.

Aaaand went back to sleep, I guess. What was the point of that POV shot? No worries though, she'll wake up again in a minute.

Willow arrives and announces that they can fix the power (and Penny) using the generator at the edge of the property. I'm convinced RT doesn't actually know what a generator is because the characters are acting like it's some super special device that only richy-rich could possibly have. Whitley says that it's the SDC executives who have their "own power supply" and that it's "extremely unfair." Now, don't get me wrong, a good generator powering large portions of your house can run you 30k+, but you can also get one that plugs into your extension cord and powers your fridge for a couple hundred. There's absolutely a class issue here, just not the one Whitley and Weiss seem to be commenting on. They make a generator sound like the sort of device that only a politician-CEO could possible have and it's weird.

Likely, it sounds weird because it's a choppy way of getting Whitley to bring up the wealth disparity so he can then go, 'That's right! We're crazy rich with a company housing tons of ships! We can use those to evacuate Mantle.' Awkwardness aside, I do like that the Schnee wealth is being used for good purposes, but... evacuate where? To the city currently under attack by a giant whale? In a RWBY that wasn't determined to demonize Ironwood, this would have been a great plot point during the office scene instead, with Weiss offering her services to Ironwood, even if the group decides that a continued evacuation still isn't possible.

Instead, we get it here from Whitley. Do I need to point out the obvious? That Whitley is the MVP of this episode? He's done more good in an HOUR than the group has managed in a year. Give this kid some training and make him a huntsmen instead.

We're given a (very pretty!) shot of the shattered moon because it wouldn't be RWBY if we weren't continually reminded that gods once wiped out humanity before destroying part of a celestial body... and absolutely no one talks about that lol.

Blake's coat might not make any sense for her color scheme, but it does make her easy to spot as she and Ruby run across the grounds. Oh my god, they're actually doing something together! It only took eight years. They even get a lovely talk where Blake admits how much she looks up to Ruby, despite her being younger, and once again I'm struck at how much more I would have loved this scene if it had appeared elsewhere in the series. It is, indeed, as sweet and emotional as all the RWBY GIF-ers are claiming... provided you overlook that this is the exact opposite of what Ruby needs to hear right now. She doesn't need to hear that she's more mature and reliable than her elders when she's functioning under a "We don't need adults" mentality. She doesn't need to hear that not knowing what to do is totally fine, not when that led to her turning on Ironwood, despite not knowing how to stop Salem. She doesn't need to hear that "doing something" — doing anything — is a strength, because Ruby keeps avoiding the big problems for smaller ones she's comfortable with, like standing by Penny's bedside instead of deciding between Mantle and Atlas. Blake's speech is heartfelt, but it's a speech that suits a Beacon days Ruby who is having some doubts about her leadership skills, not the girl whose impulsive — and now lack of — actions is having world-wide repercussions. Everyone is babying Ruby to a staggering degree. It's like if we had a med show where the doctor is standing by the bedside of a coding patient, fretting between two treatments. 'Don't worry,' their colleague says, patting their shoulder. 'I've always looked up to you. You'll do something when you're ready' and then they continue to watch the patient, you know, die.

Also: who does Ruby look up to? Everyone talks about how much they depend on and trust Ruby, but who does Ruby look to for guidance? A number of her problems stem from the fact that she has rejected the advice of everyone who has tried to help her improve: Qrow, Ozpin, Ironwood, even Yang. Ruby is presented as the pinnacle of what to strive for in a leader, rather than a leader who has only been doing this for two years and still has a great deal to learn.

Anyway, they get the generator on and the Hound shows up.

I am begging RT to just make RWBY a horror story. All their best scenes the last three years have been horror I am bEGGING —

Anyway, while Ruby waits to be eaten we cut to Willow and Klein, the former of which is reaching for her bottle, pulling back, reaching again, all while her hand shakes. This is good. This is what we should have gotten with Qrow. Which isn't to say that their (or anyone's) addiction should be identical, but rather that this is a far more engaging and complex look at addiction than what our birb got. Willow tells us that she doesn't drink in the dark despite bringing the bottle with her; tries to resist drinking when she's scared and ultimately fails. Qrow just decided to stop drinking after decades of addiction, seemingly for no reason, and that was that. Why is a side character we only met this volume written better than one of the main cast?

Blake manages to call Weiss about the Hound and she asks if Whitley can handle the airships without her. I mean, I assume so given that Weiss is looking at the bookshelves while Whitley does all the work lol. He makes a teasing comment about how he can if she can handle that grimm and she comments that they still need to work on his "attitude."

No they don't. Weiss stuck a weapon in her kid brother's face. Whitley made a joke. Even if Weiss' comment is likewise meant to be read as teasing, it's clear that we've bypassed any meaningful conversation between them. That hug was supposed to be a Fix Everything moment even though, as I've laid out elsewhere, it didn't even come close.

We cut back to Ruby getting thrown through a wall into the backyard and the Hound creepily coming after her. She's freaked out by this clearly abnormal grimm and Blake is weirdly... not? "It's just a grimm. Just focus!" Uh, it's obviously not. Have we reached the traumatized, sleep-deprived point where the group is sinking into full-blown denial? I wouldn't be surprised. They've been awake for like... 40+ hours.

Because the Hound knocks Ruby out with a single hit. Just, bam, she's down. "Focusing" is not the solution here.

Weiss calls to warn the others about the grimm, telling them to stick together. Willow (understandably) starts freaking out and flees the room (classic horror trope!). Klein is left alone when Penny wakes up with red eyes. Oh no!

Don't worry. You know nothing meaningful happens.

She shoves Klein before (somehow?) resisting the hack, her Maiden powers going wild in the process. Just when it looks as if Penny might cause some serious damage, Nora wakes up, takes her hand, and says, I kid you not:

"Hey... no one is going to make you do anything you don't want to do... It's just a part of you. Don't forget about the rest."

Okay. I want to re-emphasize that I love hopeful, uplifting, victory-won-through-the-power-of-love stories. Istg I'm not dead inside, it's just that RWBY does this so badly. I mean, what is this? It has similarities to the character shouting, 'No! Resist!' to their mind-controlled ally, but this is not presented as a desperate, last-ditch effort by Nora. She just speaks like this is the most obvious truth in the world. If you don't want to have your mind taken over... just don't! It's that simple. The problem definitely isn't that Watts has changed her coding and has implemented a command she can't override, it's that Penny has forgotten about the "rest" of her personhood.

And this works. Granted, not for long, but we leave Nora having successfully calmed Penny down and until her eyes unexpectedly go red again scenes later, we're left assuming that this is a permanent solution. That, imo anyway, is taking the Power of Love too far, overriding the basic reality of Penny being hacked. It’s not a personal failing she must overcome, it’s an external attack. I would have rather had Nora react to the scars she saw on her arm, or have a moment with Klein, or get some love from the group. Not a wakes up, falls asleep, wakes up again to save Penny with a Ruby level 'Just ignore reality' pep-talk, then back to sleep again.

So Penny isn't attacking her allies, or mistakenly hurting her allies with wild Maiden powers. Not that the group doesn't have enough to deal with, but still. Weiss arrives to help with the Hound and attempts a new summon, only to fail when two minor grimm burrow up into her glyphs. I really enjoyed that moment, both for the wing visual and the knowledge that Weiss' glyphs can fail if you break them somehow (which makes sense). Also, I just like that she failed in general? Weiss is, as per usual now, about to demonstrate just how OP she is compared to the rest of the team, so it was nice to see her faltering here.

The Hound tries to make off with Ruby and Blake does an excellent job of keeping it tethered. Ruby finally wakes, only to realize that the grimm is actually after Penny since it's staring at her power up through the window, no longer trying to escape. Moments like this remind me that there's someone on RT's writing team that knows what they're doing, at least some of the time. The assumption that the Hound is after Ruby as a SEW, the surprise that it's actually Penny, realizing it holds up because Ruby is covered in Penny's blood and Blake is not... that's all nice, tight plotting. More of that please!

The Hound drops her and Ruby's aura shatters when she hits the ground. I want everyone to remember this moment as an example of how strong the Hound is. The group may be tired, but unlike YJR they've been sitting around in the Schnee manor for a number of hours, regaining strength. We saw the Hound hit Ruby twice — once through the wall and once to knock her out — and then she falls from a not very high distance for a huntress, yet her aura is toast. That's the level of power and skill the Hound possesses. Decimating YJR, knocking Oscar out, same for Ruby, avoiding Blake and Weiss' hits, soon to treat Penny like a ragdoll. Just remember all this for the episode's end.

Blake tells Weiss she'll take care of Ruby, you go help the others. Yay breaking up the duos more! Bad timing though as the new acid-spitting grimm pops out of the ground and Blake is now left alone to face it.

Weiss re-enters the mansion, knowing the Hound is somewhere nearby, but not where. Suddenly, Willow's voice sounds through her scroll with an, "Above you!" which... doesn't keep Weiss from getting hit lol. But it's the thought that counts! Willow has accessed the cameras she's set up throughout the manor, watching the Hound's movements, and I have to say, that is a WAY better use of her separation from Klein than I thought we were getting. I legit thought they'd have Willow run away in a panic, meet the Hound, die, and then Weiss could be sad about losing her mom.

It does say something about RWBY's writing that this was my knee-jerk theory, as well as my surprise when we got something way better.

The Hound runs off, uninterested in Weiss, and she asks Willow to keep tabs on it. It heads for Whitley next (also covered in Penny's blood) and very creepily stalks him in the office with a, "I know you're here." Whitley is seconds away from being Hound chow before one of Weiss' boars pin it against the wall. He runs, then runs BACK to finish deploying the airships, before finally escaping assumed death. Goddamn this boy is pulling his weight.

I assume all these ships are automated then? I hope someone takes a moment to call May. Otherwise it's going to be super weird for the Mantle citizens if a fleet of SDC ships just show up and hover there...

I don't entirely understand how Weiss saved him though. She's nowhere to be seen when Whitley leaves and he runs a fair distance before he and Willow encounter Weiss again. We know her summons don't have to keep right next to her, but are they capable of rudimentary thought, attacking an enemy — and an enemy only — despite Weiss being a couple corridors down and unable to see the current battlefield? I don't know. In another series I'd theorize that this was a deliberate hint, a way to clue us into the fact that Willow, someone who we currently know almost nothing about, had training in the past and summoned the boar herself. Weiss and Winter certainly didn't get that hereditary skill from Jacques. Hell, we might still get that, Weiss reacting with confusion next episode when Whitley thanks her for the boar, but I doubt it. That scene with Ruby and the Hound aside, the show isn't this good at laying groundwork and then following up on it.

Case in point: Weiss says, "I didn't forget you" to Whitley after he gets away from the Hound, the moment trying to harken back to her promise to Willow. Key word is "trying." Because she absolutely forgot him! Weiss threatened and ignored Whitley until he proved his usefulness. I also shouldn't need to point out that, "Don't forget your brother" does not mean, "Don't let your brother die a horrible death by abnormal grimm." Weiss acts like her saving him is a fulfillment of her promise, rather than just the most basic of human decency. And also, you know, her job.

So that part is frustrating. The entire Schnee dynamic is a mess, from Weiss making a joke of her father's arrest, to Willow (presumably) fixing their relationship by putting a hand on her daughter's shoulder. Okay.

Then Weiss cuts off the Hound by summoning a giant wall of ice. My brain, every time this happens:

YOU COULD HAVE FIXED THE HOLE IN MANTLE'S WALL.

Moving on, Blake's fight against the acid... thing has some great choreography, including Blake using her semblance which we haven't seen in AGES. 

I really like the fight itself, just not what Blake is shouting the whole time. "I need you, Ruby! We all need you!" This has really gotten ridiculous. Ruby is presented as everyone's sole savior despite failing time and time again. It's not that I don't think Blake as a character should have faith in her leader, it's that I don't think the writers should be crafting a story where everyone puts their unshakable hopes in an untrained, disloyal, impulsive 17 year old. I mean, Ruby is currently unconscious, yet Blake is acting like if she doesn't wake up — she, as an individual, if Ruby Rose does not re-join this fight — then all is lost. If Ruby doesn't save them, no one can. Which is, of course, absurd on numerous levels. Blake doesn't need the passed out, aura-less Ruby right now, she needs the still very healthy Weiss pulling out multiple summons and an ice wall! Use your scroll and call for backup again.

But of course, Ruby wakes up and kills the new, terrifying grimm with a single hit. It's a preview of what's to come with the Hound and it's just as ridiculous here as it will be there.

Speaking of the Hound, am I the only one who thought this was... cute?

I can't possibly be the only one. That head-tilt is exactly what my dogs do and my brain instinctively went, "Aww, puppy!"

Murderous puppy.

The Hound realizes none of the Schnees are who it's looking for and runs off. Penny, meanwhile, has been fully taken over because, well, that's just what's convenient now. She resists long enough keep Amity up, then succumbs, then resists to apologize to Ruby, then succumbs, then resists because Nora asked her to, then succumbs once it's time to knock her out. If RWBY was willing to commit to consequences, Penny would have been taken over and that was that. The characters would need to deal with whatever outcome happens as a result. Instead, the show very carefully avoids any of those pesky consequences by having Penny successfully resisting at key moments, despite no explanation of how she's managing that.

She shoves Klein again (Klein is having a Bad Time) and starts walking down the main steps. When Whitley wants to know where the hell she's going, Penny mechanically responds that she must "Open the vault, then self-destruct." I suppose the change Watts made was the self-destruct order? Ironwood obviously wants the vault open, though not necessarily Penny's death. Think what you will of his moral compass, she's a damn powerful ally — a research project, perhaps — and a Maiden to boot. At the very least, her death may give the powers to someone even worse.

God, please don't let them have brought Penny back and made her a Maiden just to kill her again.

The Hound arrives though and, as said, knocks Penny out. We're back to square one with her, then. Note though that this attack is near instantaneous. She grabs its hands one second, is hanging limply the next. Wow, the Hound sure is a terrifying antagonist!

Not for long.

"That's enough," Ruby says and one-shots it with her eyes.

Now, I want to talk for a moment about the implications of that line. "That's enough." Obviously Ruby is #done with this situation and emotionally unwilling to let the Hound kidnap Penny (congratulations, Nuts and Dolts shippers), but there's a meta reading here as well. Not intentional, but glaring to me nonetheless. Basically, the idea that the Hound has, from a plot perspective, done enough. It has served its singular purpose. It kidnapped Oscar and now it dies. Never-mind how insanely powerful we've established the Hound to be, never-mind how Ruby's eyes also work or don't work according to whether anything of actual import is on the line. From a plot perspective "that's enough" and the Hound can be disposed of instantly. It got Oscar and gave us an episode of filler creepiness. Move along now.

The idea behind Ruby's eyes isn't bad, but the execution absolutely is. RT has undermined a huge portion of the stakes by giving their protagonist an instant kill-shot that always works precisely when she needs it to. Starting with the Apathy, we have yet to get a moment where Ruby's eyes fail to save the day when she really needs them to, no matter how incredible the challenge. The Hound was very intentionally written to be a grimm outside of the group's current power level. It thinks, it talks, they literally can't touch it. This creates the expectation that the group will need to grow stronger — or at least become smarter — in order to surmount this new obstacle, yet Ruby's eyes undermine all of that. The group hasn't grown in years, the show just makes enemies weaker as needed (Ace Ops), or has Ruby pull out her eyes as a trump card. It wouldn't be that bad if we'd at least gotten a good battle out of it, one where the group gets close to defeating the Hound on their own, but needs Ruby's eyes to finish it off. Instead, she literally walks up without any aura, announces to the audience that this antagonist's time is up, and blasts it out a window.

Granted, Ruby's eyes don't completely finish it. The Hound pulls itself to its feet and we see this.

Yup, that's a guy and yup, those are silver eyes.

I would like to issue a formal apology to the "It's secretly Summer!" theorists in the fandom. I mean, I still think it would be ridiculous (and at this point highly improbable) that Ruby's dead mother has actually been a grimm mutant this whole time, just hanging out in Salem's realm while she waits for the plot to start before attacking the world, and then sends some no-name faunus dude after the group instead of their leader's mother for extra, emotional torture... but you all were definitely right about the “It's a person” part! I... don't know how I feel about this. Admittedly, it seems to be a logical continuation of the other grimm-human hybrids we've seen — namely Cinder and Salem herself — and it finally explains why Salem wants Ruby alive (even though it actually doesn't because WHY did she want more SEWs for Hound grimm when she wasn't even attacking back then? And already has all these other insanely powerful tools??), but at the same time, it feels like it's complicating a story that doesn't need further complications. The group fights monsters and has an immortal enemy. You don't need to add 'Some of those monsters are secretly human' to the mix.

It doesn't hurt that this twist is giving me Attack on Titan vibes, which, ew. A dark time in my fandom life, folks.

The Hound staggers a few steps before Whitley and Willow dump a suit of armor on it. That's all it takes to kill the most dangerous grimm we've ever seen: a single flash of silver eyes and some heavy metal. This also wreaks havoc with the implication that Salem wants SEWs alive because they create such powerful grimm. Obviously not. I mean yeah, normal huntsmen are going to have serious  problems, we’ve seen that this volume, but any other SEWs nearby will take a Hound out instantaneously. For a villain with so many other powerful abilities — immortality, magic, endless normal grimm, her nifty soup — Salem would be much better served just killing SEWs straight out. Clearly, creating Hounds isn't worth the effort.

The Hound leaves some bones behind and Ruby collapses to her knees, overcome with the knowledge that this was once a person. Again, uncomfortable Attack on Titan parallels.

We finish our premiere with Cinder clearing away rubble to reveal Watts. Honestly, I like that we ended on this because her rescue is hilarious. She just slings him over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes and blasts off with her magic fire feet. Fantastic.

Note though that with this scene we've seen almost everything from the clip and the trailer. What's to come in the rest of Volume 8? No idea. Outside of Winter leading the charge with the bomb, we got it all here.

Time to update the bingo board!

I'm crossing off "Introducing new grimm that are quickly abandoned." Between the Hound and acid-dude both falling to a single blast/cut from Ruby, we've more than earned this square.

It doesn't look as if we'll get another Watts-Jacques team-up now that he's left, but you never know.

Maria's got me worried. I feel like her Yoda fight against Neo is the one thing she'll be allowed to do this volume, but given that we didn't see anyone except Ruby's group this episode, we don't yet know whether the story is now ignoring her and Pietro, or if they'll re-appear in another episode like YJR.  

Qrow is free. Will he get a drink before trying to murder Ironwood? Perhaps.

Still no bingo :(

All in all, the episode was by no means horrible. I think there were lots of horrible parts, but also some legitimately well executed moments, fun action, and scenes that I can easily imagine as squee worthy if you lean back and squint. Everything is comparative and in the growing collection of bad RWBY episodes, this one isn't securing a top slot. Which doesn't mean I think it's good, just... not as bad as it could have been and primarily only bad due to long-running problems, not things this specific episode has done. That's my bar then, so low it has officially entered the underworld.

Still, RWBY is back and a part of me is eager to see where this volume takes us, for better or for worse.

Until next week! 💜

[Ko-Fi]

[anangelicday-mrwolf]

Wolfsbane : Noblesse Fanfic (post-ending)

(previous chapter)

Chapter 48 – Much More Dangerous Than They Had Envisioned

“Welcome.”

The doctor greeted Tao and M-21 as soon as their shoes tapped past KSA’s front door.

The two men were donned in their signature black suit, the uniform of school guards and RK.

Yet unlike before, their shoulders were heavy with frigid atmosphere oh-so-visible-and-tangible.

The doctor felt nothing, although the situation was more than enough to make him feel disappointed that they are being icy to him.

He knew he was in no position to throw such emotional tantrum.

As for Tao and M-21, they could see.

They could see from the doctor’s superficially well-mannered attitude that he was very inclined to greet them with Taesik as well but could not.

It is late night, with most personnel of KSA back at home. However, words will surely spread once even a single soul spots how both KSA’s director and doctor are groveling at someone at the door, and it would be only a matter of time until every soul figures out that something is going on in their nest.

As much as they are ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-percent sure what the circumstances are all about, they did not want the lesser people to find out before the remaining 0.01% is completely mapped.

Also, in consideration of the weight of the circumstances, it was only natural for them to remain cautious until the very last moment.

“Would you like to go there now...?”

Usually he would have been referring to the director’s office. But this time he meant otherwise, and they did not need to exchange words to know that.

The purpose of Tao and M-21’s visit lay in Yuhyung’s lab.

Tao insisted they search the place before its owner returns to Korea, which gave them only a night to carry out the task.

For that reason the doctor did not wait for their response, although he did ask for it.

Which is why the waiting time inside the ascending elevator could not possibly be more awkward and stifling.

Which was only natural for the doctor to try to let in some air to the murky atmosphere expected only at the runway towards the battlefield.

“Uh... By the way, is there something up with Mr. Takio?”

M-21 started upon the name of his teammate, and Tao followed suit by rolling his eyes in a curious fashion.

Takio was tending to his duty outside during the time they were unveiling most of Yuhyung’s secret at company of Lunark.

When they decided they should head to KSA, he did not hesitate to volunteer as well.

To their concern and puzzlement, he was nowhere to be seen, but they could not afford to wait for him.

At last they made it to Yuhyung’s lab, enclosed by a new alloy door that replaced the one that Yeonsu stomped on.

The doctor unlocked the room with his employee key card, and Tao and M-21 held their breath as they directed their scrutinizing gaze into the dark lab.

Overall, it was basically a replica of the scenes the two men had familiarized themselves with during their times at Union.

But of course, there was a difference in size and magnificence, probably because of difference in resources.

Soon enough their hands got busy as they committed themselves in heated search through desks, drawers, and bookshelves for what they could spy with their eyes.

Which did not surrender anything, to nobody’s surprise.

“Yes, this happens to be an official research content we are running at the moment.”

They wasted their time asking for doctor’s confirmation with the documents, graphs, and printed screenshots they could pick up, to ultimately return them to their original places.

Naturally their eyes were drawn to the computer in slumber.

“Do you think he left something if anything in there? Based on the series of testaments, he may be a hopeless clown in daily life, but even you admit that he is no ordinary person when it comes to research.”

“He must have. Computer-friendly’s that practically treat computers as equal to their flesh and bones – yes, the sort like me – tend to leave in one way or another the most important data inside their computers. Partially because our pride depends on how well we build the firewalls and vaccine programs against potential thefts or leaks.”

Tao quoted with a voice close to desperation than confidence.

After he pushed the button to awaken the computer, they came to think that perhaps Yuhyung added a feature that automatically detonates his computer when it is turned on during his absence.

Which is why for the 3 seconds of waiting their heads whirred with thousands of scenarios, of which none was brought into reality, to their mild astonishment.

Notwithstanding, the very first screen that welcomed them froze them in their shoes.

“Password...?”

They could not understand how they could forget.

Even outside the industry of espionage or secret intelligence, in modern world personal information is held as valuable as a common gold mine, and it is only customary for people to lock their computers with personal passwords.

The fact that they were staring at none other than Yuhyung’s computer fanned their anxiety.

“...I think I’ve seen the similar kit at Union. No, this isn’t a repertoire exclusive to the Union. You know, the data are all blown up if anything other than the set password is input.”

M-21 diverted his enlightenment-seeking eyes towards Tao.

“I can dissect this thing if I want to. But in the meantime, he might receive an automated notification on the infiltration attempt on his ser...”

“Excuse me. One moment.”

The doctor finally broke his silence to step in.

Without even glancing at Tao, who was shoved to the side before he knew it, the doctor typed in three letters strange to Tao’s and M-21’s eyes.

The monitor blinked to give way to the screen plastered with a variety of icons, to Tao’s delight.

“How did you know what the password is?”

“...I chose the name of the colleague who used to be closest to Yuhyung. He was sacrificed during massive city destruction, the inception of Yuhyung’s dark ambition.”

The atmosphere sunk into the dark faster than light, and Tao warmed up the joints of his fingers and in less than a breath opened the file Yuhyung had most frequently rummaged.

“What in the...?!”

Tao moaned, skimming and comprehension over as anticipated from an expert, and the doctor and M-21 madly wiped the monitor with their eyes, to not long after unhinge their jaws in mimicry of Tao’s expression.

“...Why don’t we talk to the director now? I don’t think this is something we can handle by ourselves.”

“...Very well. This way.”

The three humans trotted across the hallway, their movements so swift and forceful that anybody could have seen that nothing could stop them.

They soon came face-to-face with Taesik, his facial profile petrified to maximum due to the fact that they entered before the sound of their knocks was completely gone.

“So, what did you find?”

Prior to their visit, he was already notified of the contents they deduced with Lunark.

And of course, his mind fried by utmost fluster, he appealed how much he did not want to believe them.

Which did not last long, given that they were from the RK and Lunark herself.

Nevertheless, it was obvious he could not throw away the last glimmer of hope, made so very pronounced by his fingers clutching the edge of his desk like a falcon, gaze precariously ghosting over their faces, and body crooked forward like a hunchback.

Feeling slightly guilty at how he must totally annihilate his meaningless hopes, Tao unzipped his lips for the testimony.

“Please listen carefully, sir. I am terribly sorry to say this, but... It looks like Mr. Jang has been in secret alliance with the Union.”

At then Tao and M-21 got to learn how a rapid cancer patient diagnosed with less than a day to survive would appear, seemingly every shadow and shade in the universe transported onto his face, his lips abruptly stupefied and unable to demand if they can swear.

The doctor, who had also seen through the change with his boss, added with a voice barely free from a quake.

“It’s true, sir. It’s more than a presumption. We just found from his computer contents available only once one comes in contact with the Union.”

“I-is that true? Just what did you find...?”

“We already heard from Ms. Lunark what Mr. Jang had gone through during destruction of Seoul. And this ideology he has come to harbor ever since.”

Taesik gave a tense nod, reminded of Yuhyung’s idea of mandatory body modification for all incoming agents, which never fail to give chills to every piece of his spine whenever his memories are refreshed.

“And Mr. Jang had not aborted his idea. He’s been proceeding with a secret study, based on his major and his specialty in KSA, with help from the data from Union.”

“S-so... What is this data from the Union...?”

“Simply put, it’s... It’s rapid body modification. Or should I say, rapid pseudo-body modification?”

“What do you mean...?”

“As you’d know, the amount of resources required for body modification is beyond any human imagination. Especially time. Even perfectly modified humans would often take time to stay under observations or experiments or sign up for multiple modifications. Personally, I’d say time is the most essential resource in body modification.”

Taesik kept attendance to Tao’s words, his countenance full of inquiries.

“Which is why Union in the past studied a way to shorten the amount of time needed for body modification. It happened before I found myself at the Union. And before the M-series project, of which M-21 was part. The Union wanted to find a way to induce rapid physical changes that will temporarily yield power somewhat reminiscent of those from modified humans prepared from lab tables and tanks.”

“Is it safe to assume it’s a mechanism related to how DA-5 used to enhance physical qualities with pills?”

“Precisely. In fact, D that DA-5 used to ingest is what Aris refined from this project after it was canceled. I figured it out while hacking Union’s past data for fun. The purpose of this project was to provide weapon for humans whose bodies are clean from modifications to exercise superhuman power, no matter how small.”

“Listening to you, there’s no doubt it’s a useful technique. But is there a reason why this project was canceled?”

“As Union agents formed this unofficial caste system among them that separated the modified from the unmodified, voices against blessing ordinary humans with powers of modified humans became dominant. Not to mention how causing physical changes begotten solely through body modification on unmodified humans as well was extremely unstable and full of side effects. So it was only logical for the researchers to shred and burn their papers and charts. No one before Aris managed to see the light in this study.”

“...I see. That reminds me of this gas that Mr. Jang had once been developing.”

Tao, M-21, and the doctor flinched as soon as Taesik nodded and quoted.

“...Actually, we have something to tell you regarding that weapon.”

“We found traces that prove he had been handling the file on that weapon until the moment he left for Lukedonia. And we found traces of edit and copy from the files on research on implanting artificial bodies with artificial intelligence.”

Taesik’s face turned pale, other faces just as pallid.

A Union study that sought a way to imbue unmodified humans with powers on par with those of the least qualified modified humans.

A study on a weapon that will work only on designated targets, from none other than a person who advocated obligatory body modification for prospective KSA agents.

The data on the former was discovered inside the computer that belongs to a person who pursued the latter.

To top it off, Yuhyung’s research files on artificial intelligence was edited and copied, when they all remember that Rael and werewolves had violent contact with Union weapons against heads of clans.

So there was no more reason for them to stick to suspicions.

“If only I had examined his USB... It turned out that the reason why QuadraNet failed to come to life lay in Mr. Jang’s USB, which was revealed to be the secret USB once used by the Union. There was network hacking program hidden inside, and I’m sure he planted the program himself as he was working at Lukedonia and the werewolf realm. A secret USB can bypass most of vaccine programs utilized nowadays because it’s too outdated. Though it’s partly because I trusted him too much and deemed usual check-up useless.”

“It’s not your fault, sir. We should have been more careful with...”

Nothing will change even if they exchange apologies and forgiveness; the best they can do right now is to prevent something that might happen very soon.

With conclusion drawn in gloomy acceptance, Taesik bobbed his head.

“Can you get him now?”

“We should. We must.”

“We’ll be counting on you two.”

Just like that, Tao and M-21 turned on their heels, to catch the man who turned out to be much more dangerous than they had envisioned.

*****

As KSA was staging a moment as fatal and vicious as the moment a bomb is about to fall onto ice, Yuhyung finally made it.

Once again riding Rael’s back in a comical way, his face however was not at all comical.

His shaking hand was grasping his personal device that was playing the footage sent from his lab, equipped with cameras that had been working just a minute ago.

(next chapter)

The rapid pseudo-body modification is my creation, of course. But I’d say it wouldn’t be strange to find out Union actually had such technology, given that DA-5 could enhance their physical capabilities by ingesting the D. Actually, I had forgotten about the DA-5 when I began composing this chapter, and I remembered what DA-5 could do in the middle of my composition lol. Anyways, now the RK know, and Yuhyung knows as well. All that’s left is for them to capture and pummel the cause of all this, but as you’d know, it won’t be easy. Yes, I’m saying the RK and their allies would have a really hard time following this chapter. Sorry, my beloved characters. :’(  I hope you’d stay tuned for more!

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 11: Darren*

Disclaimer: a multitude of events/details have been left out of this chapter, both for increased anonymity of myself and the gentleman in question, as well as I started writing this two months after this all happened, so apologies.

Darren* is actually someone that I work with at one of my jobs, of which I have three. Upon starting my position there and meeting him, I was immediately attracted. He is from a Scandinavian country originally and just comes with that natural Scandinavian good looks. He acted a little immature, in a way that is just everything is sexual, a natural flirt. For a few months, I had an innocent little crush on him, purely infatuation. 

Often we would say hi in passing and he was always really helpful when it came to patients. He got along with everyone and despite his lewdness, I really enjoyed working with him. There were multiple times that we would walk and talk in the hall, he would express embarrassment to me over him having acne, and would openly announce that he was switching what side he was on because he didn’t want me to see it. I, in my thinking he was out of my league and I was secured in the friend/coworker zone, would be super transparent, and as well complain about my acne, and described in detail the acne patches I would use.

All seemed platonic until one day out of the blue he just leaned in close to me and asked me if he could have my Snapchat. I immediately was like oh yeah of course! From there, we talked throughout the days daily for about a week. 

I let him and my coworker in MRI know that I’m gonna bring in food on the weekend since I got a huge crockpot meal from my Home Chef meal kit boxes and wanted to share the love. When really, although I did do that, I was on purpose making sure I did it on a day Darren* was working. I made sure to wear an outfit that would get his attention without trying too hard: well-fitting yoga pants and a tank top. I arrive and I call their department to let them know I’m here with food. Darren* answers the phone and there’s video chat so I also see him. I say “hey I’m here! Chicken tacos in the break room.” He says “Are they hard or soft?” in the innuendo way he does. What he doesn’t know, is he’s met his match since I’m also kind of a perv. I respond “what do you think?” seductively and with a wink. He laughs and just goes “oh alright.” I say “Nah but seriously they’re soft tacos.” He says “my favorite! We’ll be over soon.” The cavalry arrives and everyone eats their food and thanks me. I’m not really getting the quality time I was hoping for but I’m still happy. Finally, everyone starts to kinda make their way out until it’s just Darren* and I. We just chat. This is when somehow or another I find out he has a tattoo in a more rated R area. I laugh. He asks me about my outfit and if I am going to the gym. I say no that I was just trying to be comfortable but still look good enough to be outside of my house. He says he should probably get back to work and will snap me later.

Late that night, I ask him more about his tattoos, and I tell him about mine. I send him photos of a couple of my PG tattoos, he sends me his PG tattoos (yes this does imply we both have rated R tattoos). I think this is a moment that is kind of exposing but could also just be innocent as well. 

The next week, we again worked together, and he would come by, a little more than usual, saying hi to me and chatting before returning to work. The last time he stops by before he leaves for the day, he gives me a hug. Now, this hug wasn’t like a normal hug, it was super awkward, incredibly on my part.

You see, I did not expect this to happen and I was sitting down so he approached me for the hug while I was sitting. In attempts to make this less horrible, which backfired, I decided to begin standing up during the hug. Not only did I do this, no that would be still not horrible, but I then put my arms around him diagonally. Yes, that cringy one arm on the shoulder/neck and the other around the waist. At this moment I am well aware of what terrible state I am in, but am surprised and pleased that regardless of how awkward I have positioned myself that he is still holding onto me. He is in fact at this moment squeezing me tightly, comfortably. 

Somehow this embrace lasts for probably a good twenty seconds. I’m sure I am red in the face but he says bye talk to you later and leaves. Immediately, I Snapchat him and say “I’m so sorry that was such an awkward hug. I need a do-over please.” His response is something along the lines of, “It’s all good I live for the cringe” with a laughing face emoji. Otherwise, we continue to talk as we were.

I offer him my number, thinking like we are getting along well and are maybe at that point. He says that he actually prefers Snapchat, as his cell service isn’t very good with his provider (which I shall not name), so he communicates a lot more with Snapchat anyway. We somewhere too in this time say we’re going to hang out on Saturday, and I’ll cook him some food.

Oh and now is your first preview of me being sneaky and retrieving Snapchat screenshots via taking pics of my phone screen. Step One, send a thirst trap. 

Step Two: He responds to the thirst trap. I remember also saying something after that, despite not having it in the screenshot, where I say, “Is that why you don’t wear a dress to work?” Which is what he is responding to in the third photo.

I’m also still wondering, is he just being a flirt, or is this man interested? Soon I would get my answer. 

Now, it is the weekend, Friday night. I mention to him that I’m walking to my friend’s house and I’m going over to drink some wine and eat pasta. I send him Snapchats of my friend on Hinge swiping, and us playing “Tinder March Madness,” a game I saw on Tik Tok and thought was funny. Essentially, you right-swipe on all of the men, no matter what. Give it some time and wait for the matches to roll in. Then there are certain point values that go along with certain dating profile tropes. The person with the most points “wins” each round until the “Ultimate Tinder Guy” is found. Anyway, I send these to him half to be like LOL look at this stupid stuff, half to see if I get a rise out of him/he gets a little bit jealous. He is also with friends, so I don’t necessarily get in-depth answers or quick responses. I do mention to him that I’m leaving my friend’s apartment soon, and will be walking by myself. At this point it is nighttime. We do live in a relatively nice area, but it’s still a little scary to walk by yourself in the dark. I give him a call via Snapchat, he doesn’t answer but I know he’s with his friends, so it’s all good.

I arrive home and almost immediately after I walk through the door, I get a Snapchat call back from him. He asks me if I’m okay and if I got home safely. I am honestly surprised he called me back. I tell him I’m fine. He continues to talk to me on the phone and even puts me on speakerphone. The one part that hurts my soul is he does say that I’m his “friend, Mandy,” but hey, a friend is better than a co-worker. I talk with his friends about gaming, drinking, say I’ll drink some Everclear with them, go really hard. Darren* then says he’s gonna find somewhere more private to talk to me, takes me off speakerphone. We shoot the shit a little more, then he says he had just gone running and is gonna take a shower and will talk to me later. I end the call.

Literally one minute after ending the call, I receive a Snapchat from him. This is a picture Snapchat. It is a photo of him completely naked. Where his package would be is conveniently blocked by the level of the counter in his bathroom. Highly suggestive, though not a complete nude. What is my response? Something along the lines of “oh my!!!!” Any confusion I had was gone. Like alright, this man just sent this photo to you because he is into you. It’s late and I’m going to sleep anyway, so I figure I’ll just message him in the morning to clear things up before we hang out.  

Before I can even confront him in the morning, he messages me. I, unfortunately, don’t have a screenshot for this. But he says whereas he isn’t exactly looking for a relationship at this moment, that he wants to see where things go with me and see what happens. I tell him that how I feel is I don’t like to put expectations on anything anyway and that I’m happy to do that and just follow where the vibes go between us. We’ve come to an agreement! With that, he says he is super hungover and is going to take a nap, and will let me know about coming over later. By the early evening, he says he wants to reschedule since he still feels like shit. I’m on call a lot, so we just schedule it tentatively for next Saturday and I see if I can get my call covered another day sooner so we can see each other before then. 

I’m able to contact my manager the next day and I let him know I now have Wednesday free for him. I’m on call at our workplace the day I let him know that, and I jokingly tell him he is in charge of calling me in. Of course, I actually do get called in, though it isn’t him that lets me know. I arrive and hang out in the area he works in while I wait for the patient to be ready. He is not there and is off doing other stuff. He comes in and is surprised to see me, which checks out since I did tell him I was coming in, but he hadn’t opened that Snapchat yet. We hug hello, not awkwardly now, and he talks about his hands being cold. Essentially then we are holding hands. While the other coworkers are off tending to patients, we stand close together and chat. My patient arrives, and I ask him to help me move them. I observe him with a patient and he really is a great caregiver, it’s attractive. He helps me then says he’s gonna run back to his department and will be back. When he returns he says he is actually leaving for the night. My patient’s scan is more or less on autopilot, so I position ourselves away from the window that looks into the room. I embrace him and say I’m looking forward to seeing him next time we work together and on Wednesday. I think back and know I probably should have kissed him, but I didn’t, probably the thought of being at work and although no one was there and watching, still felt inappropriate.

I finished my work and returned home. Monday we spoke throughout the day, flirtatious and excited. We worked together Tuesday and when I walked in for the day, I immediately happened upon him in the break room. I sat down next to him and discussed timeframes for our hangout the next day. He is happy and upon another coworker walking in, I briefly say hey and disperse. Darren* comes into my department, as he does often, and is talking with everyone. One of our coworkers mentions to him that they want to talk to him about something. I’m not sure what it is about, but I do get a hit of anxiety wondering if he had told them about me, and it was regarding our relationship. Work goes by and they do go off and talk. Afterward, he is kinda brief in saying goodbye, which makes my anxiety increase. 

I send him a message just again mentioning a timeframe for our next day’s plans. An hour or so after he left he responds saying that he is actually starting to talk to someone and didn’t want to do the next day because he didn’t want to jeopardize that, as he thought if he came over the next day he didn’t know what would happen. His phrasing was “is it okay” if we don’t see each other. So I say something like, “well I wouldn’t want to complicate things, I’m not happy about it but I understand.” He also expressed he was worried about work, though, at this point, I was about to start my new job and had told him about this. He mentions not having a “crystal ball” and that he doesn’t know what will happen in the future, blah blah blah. That we could still be with each other someday.

I am beyond confused. Literally three days before this, he had been the one to initiate things and asked for us to see where things go, wasn’t interested in a relationship, when suddenly now he is, albeit with someone else, and is interested enough to be afraid something romantic would happen if we were alone together, but not enough see where it goes.

In response, I give into a TikTok trend where you ask people what your type is. I did this that night. He did not take kindly to it. His response was kind of like, what is this? I was angry and thought this was a good way to have some self-deprecating humor. Essentially “douchebag,” “extroverted gamer,” “emotionally unavailable,” “guys with girlfriends,” and “Trump supporters,” were mentioned in this. Many of those descriptions which could describe Darren* at that moment. 

I was still very hurt days afterward and didn’t know what would happen once we saw each other again at work. Come next workday together, he was starting to be on temperature check duty at the hospital. I did not know he was though, and stumbled upon him as I was going out to say hi to another co-worker I knew was out there. It was very awkward at first but we became more on friendly terms. Toward the end of the night, we were alone back inside for a moment. I asked him some questions about his life and such. As the night went on we did embrace a few times and were very close. It was more confusing but he did still seem into me. We left at the same time and he walked me to my car where we lingered and talked and held each other. I did feel pretty bad, as I would sometimes see his phone, see him talking to this other girl, and sometimes I would just happen to see his messages with her and could tell that he did care for her. And in character, it was on Snapchat, so he may have been completely honest regarding using Snapchat as his primary communication method.

Basically a similar scenario continued on for the next four weeks, each time it becomes more and more difficult/intimate. One week we took a walk around the campus and cuddled in the grass, watching the stars. The bugs made us move, but we had a closeness. We just barely kissed one time. He would grab my hips and touch my body when we were alone. Constantly he would resist, I was just as confused as he wasn’t dating this person. Another night, we are walking together doing rounds through the hospital, when one of his close coworkers casually mentions he’s uncircumcised. Which was just some bizarre information. It was funny to see him embarrassed.

Finally, after four weeks of this “what is going on” scenario, I have him call me. I tell him essentially that if he and this woman are still not exclusive, that we should still give this a shot or at least hang outside of work and see what is truly going on. I reiterate his crystal ball thing. I am truly speaking in our both interests, as we have been playing a dangerous game. He says he will talk to her that night and figure out what is going on, as she has been kind of putting off/delaying that conversation. He says he will let me know what she says and will think about it if they don’t become exclusive, as he admits that he doesn’t see the point of staying with her if she doesn’t want to become official. I follow up the next day, asking how it went. He says it didn’t come up and apologizes, though saying he will soon. A few days after that, I find out that they must have had the conversation, because “Darren* is now in a relationship” appears on my Facebook news feed. I message him in Snapchat and congratulate him. I do truly wish them the best, and take the situation as a lesson learned.

A couple of months later, present-day as I write this, I notice a name that looks familiar on a patient’s chart. Casually I bring it up to my coworker, saying “isn’t that Darren*’s girlfriend?” and it is confirmed. I become infuriated and text my friend immediately, explaining the situation I have just uncovered. This new information does add to my displeasure, as I realize that this guy’s now girlfriend also works here and that it is quite possible that he could have been seeing her on any of those days that we had become so close. This disgusted me. I did see him a couple of days later and casually mentioned to him, “I didn’t know your girlfriend worked here.” He hit me with a “yeah she does.” I felt it important to let him know, I know. I try and remain cordial, but it is extremely difficult when I learn more and more about how scummy he is. Later that day that I let him know, he told me it was “good seeing me” and I literally responded with a vomit noise. Even if things don’t work out with his lady, and I’m still single, that “crystal ball” will not do him any favors.

[hulahoopingholt]

What are your favourite Rebecca Bunch outfits?

Ohhhh, dear sweet nonny, this is a dangerous question because I LOVE Rebecca Bunch’s fashion, and her choices especially in the earlier seasons are very similar to what I wear irl. I’m going to try to limit myself so this doesn’t become TOO much of a monster of a post. Also please don’t judge me on the terrible quality of the below photos are that they are nowhere near all the same size, I tried my best to make this post presentable but that is not my forte.

The Welcome to West Covina Dresses

Combining these two as one since they’re fairly similar and evoke a similar emotion. And godDAMN do they make me emotional. Seriously just looking at these dresses can make me tear up. Also my screenshot sucks so you can’t really see it, but I love the introduction of Rebecca’s bow necklace here, because as costume designer Melina Root said, “The bow became Rebecca’s signature: from the necklace she wears the pilot episode to the wedding bustle-she always likes to think it’s “all wrapped up” sadly there’s always something not quite right.”

Actually yeah putting the rest behind a cut this is already so long I am sorry.

The Pink Party Dress

I don’t see this dress get a lot of love, and it’s really not Rebecca’s later established style, but I LOVE it. One, she looks like a babe. Two, I love that she’s wearing a bandage dress even though she’s not a stick, and the show didn’t make an effort to slim her down any. I always think of this when I’m trying on something a little tighter and am self-conscious of my belly, because if Rebecca rocked it, so can I. 

The Floral Sundresses

So, story time. My ex used to make a point of telling me about all the sundresses I wore, and I laughed because it was cute but also I didn’t get it?? I don’t wear THAT many sundresses, he’s so silly. Then I moved and reorganized my closet and realized literally 85% of my HUGE double closet consisted of sundresses. .........yeah. I have a sundress problem. But they’re SO GREAT. You can toss one on and feel like the most beautiful girl in the world while still being super comfy. So that may partially be why I LOVE these two dresses so much. They’re sweet and effortless, they look good with the straps up or off the shoulder. I particularly love these because they have a soft, romantic, flirty look to them with the ruffles, and I find it very interesting that Rebecca chose two similar style dresses when she was feeling particularly loved up over Greg.

The White Cape

Seriously what a LOOK. I don’t care if this was fake bitchy Rebecca, that cape was DIVINE and Real Rebecca needs it in her wardrobe. (Plus I’ll take a dream Greg x Rebecca proposal nbd.) That cape was pure Drama and to quote Ms. Heather Davis, “I love dramaaaaaa.”

The Zipper Dresses

S3 we saw Rebecca get in touch with her sexier side. Goodbye floral A-lines, hello zip up dresses. Babe. I own a navy dress similar to these and it’s always been one of my faves for when I want to look professional but am also feeling myself a bit so Rebecca, I get it. 

The White Dress

While we’re on the topic of sexy looks....this one. Nothing more needs to be said. Rebecca Bunch is a fucking babe.

A Diagnosis

Because this post was already getting too long, I ended up omitting a more general look of Rebecca’s I love, which is her love of floral A-lines, especially in the earlier seasons. They were feminine and flattering, more fun than what she wore in NYC but still workplace appropriate. But this is the floral A-line to end all floral A-lines. It fully captured all the renewed hope and optimism she had post-suicide attempt, and I loved watching her get ready and get dressed. I LOVE this dress so much and was SO EXCITED when I saw it was available for purchase until I realized it was definitely out of my price range and I was appropriate devastated. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE this dress.

The Comfy Cozies

So I’ll admit this is an odd catch all category and I don’t expect to have a lot of company in my opinions here LOL but I REALLY love these two. First, the “why is Greg talking to a homeless?” sweater...so my mom actually owns a sweater that’s VERY similar to this from the 1980s and I wear it any time I go over to my parents’ house and it’s cold because it is the COMFIEST COZIEST THING I don’t CARE if it’s not fashionable, it is ULTIMATE COMFORT. So I love Rebecca having a deeply comfy cozy sweater that she wears when she just doesn’t care. And then this robe....GOD I love this robe!!! It looks so soft, appears to be that perfect combo of lightweight but with a bit of warmth, it twirls BEAUTIFULLY, AND IT HAS POCKETS!!!!!! Seriously I have MAJOR robe envy here, plus it looks really cute with her nightgown. 

Wedding Dress #2

Listen, I don’t care if this was a Dream Ghost Rebecca. I’m OBSESSED with this dress. I love that it’s tea length, I love the peep toe shoes, I love the lace and appliqués that look feminine without being fussy, I love that SMILE on Rebecca’s face in the first image. But what I love most of all about this wedding dress is what a contrast it is to her wedding dress Naomi bought her. At that point she was so concerned with being “normal,” she almost started crying when they told her she looked normal like that was the highest compliment??? And don’t get me wrong, it was a LOVELY dress, but to me it felt like Rebecca putting on a costume. This dress feels SO much more Rebecca...fun, flirty, feminine, timeless, but a little offbeat.

The Red Dress

LOVE THIS DRESS SO MUCH AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY. This dress is different from any that Rebecca’s ever worn, but it contains SO MANY ELEMENTS I mentioned earlier. Her love of florals. The ruffles. The sexier cut. We’ve seen bits and pieces of the Real Rebecca in her fashion all throughout the series, but it seems with this dress we’ve finally pieced them together to show who she really is. And when you think about how this was the biggest night of her life, and how much thought she must have put into finding JUST the right dress...you KNOW she loves this one. This is the happiest Rebecca’s ever been, and it’s just the dress to show that. I also love her hair with the braids and the ribbon. Again, something different, but feels so very Rebecca Bunch. (Red’s also for Greg. It’s...Greg.)

Fave Actual COSTUME

Listen I know the Sexy Fashion Cactus is a fan favorite, and for good reason, but I will always be partial to RAWRRRRR I’M A TRICERATOPS. Seriously that number was HILARIOUS and Rebecca was ADORABLE and RAWRRRRR SHE’S A TRICERATOPS. 

But the All-Time Favorite Outfit

As if there was ever any doubt. This dress is iconic. It’s glam and sparkly and beautiful, but we only see it when Rebecca is feeling desperate and confused. It gave us arguably the best song of the entire series, and it continues to elicit those emotions again and again. When we started hearing those hints of the melody in Eleven O’Clock, and we can tell it’s building to Stupid Bitch, and then the lights change there’s this moment of GASP OMG IS SHE?!?!?! And then the camera pans out, and we see that YES, instead of just another mannequin, Rebecca is once again wearing this dress. When a single outfit makes you GASP and CRY and give you ALL the emotions of a woman just struggling to figure out WHO SHE IS...you’ve done good.

[pigstepmp3-moved]

the writers really did buck dirty in s01e02

its the post you’ve all been waiting for—my Aggravated Analysis Of Everything That Makes Me Mad about the Therapy Scene tm, now featuring some things that show just how emotionally and mentally fucked buck is. now, i know we All hate that scene with all of our hearts (buck deserves to have a Good experience w therapy for once, but thats just my opinion), but i wanna go into detail about what exactly makes me SEETHE about that scene, complete w gifs and screenshots so i can better explain myself. im putting it all under the cut bc its kind of A Lot, so click that “read more” if you wanna read my angry complaining

alright, lets set the scene (i know we’re all aware of the situation behind this scene, but i think its important to remind you all of it). season one episode two. bucks still very much a Huge horn dog. buck has also very recently suffered his First loss on the job and its taking a huge toll on him. i think what’s most important to talk about before we get to the therapy scene itself is the scene where abby’s watching him on the news with carla.

(not the greatest quality, but that doesnt matter). he very clearly looks uncomfortable just talking about what happened in such a Casual, No Pressure setting. he says, “i was just doing my job. i’m happy we were able to help the people we helped and i’m really sorry about those we couldn’t save.” he stutters a few times as he says it, looks and sounds very uneasy, which seems very out of character for him. he’s usually super confident and chill, but as he’s asked to talk about this (most likely) traumatic thing, he kinda clams up, yknow? theres also something in his voice that reminds me very heavily of the way My voice sounds when Im trying to force back tears, but that might just be The Way He Talks

another thing that he says that really stands out to me (i dont know if this is necessarily important to the topic at hand, but i wanna talk about it so whatever) is, “. . . um, i’m sure they’re just turned on by the uniform. you know, i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” ignoring the more sexual connotations to what he’s saying there, let’s talk about what he most likely meant by that particular statement. he still sounds a little nervous as he says it and kind of avoids the reporters eyes. it sounds to me like this is a rare moment of buck’s insecurities being let loose. “i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” this implies, i think, some insecurities about like.. every part of himself. it almost seems like, in this moment, he thinks his only redeeming quality is the uniform. which might actually be what he’s thinking right then, ‘cause he’s still trying to figure out how to cope with his first loss. i think theres some part of him, somewhere behind that overly confident persona, that has a lot more insecurities than he shows, but thats a conversation for another day.

now, let’s move on a little from that. what i think is very important and notable about that scene is some of the things abby says after watching buck on the news. first thing she says that stands out to me is, “i’ve been thinking i might want to call him to see how he is.” she’s worried about him. i think she’s probably been worried about him since the first time he was on the news, earlier that episode. and for good reasons, i think, because later on, she says, “. . . he needs help, you know? i mean, he’s got so much pain in his face. everybody’s treating him like a hero. he doesn’t feel like a hero. as far as he’s concerned, the guy that he was trying to save fell.” like, wow, just tear my heart out and stomp on it a bunch, why dont you? its such a wonderful and apt summary of what buck’s going through. to put it rather simply, he’s fucking distraught, and for good reasons. plus, that quote is one of the Big things that influenced my headcanon of buck having depression, and i could probably analyze every single scene bucks in in this episode that have added onto that head canon of mind bc there are at least a couple different things i could blather on about, but that’s some analysis for another post (if you’re interested in me talking about that tho, definitely feel free to let me know)

now, let’s move on a little further to the Dreaded Scene (i’d totally go into the scene that immediately follows the last one i talked about, where buck and abby are speaking on the phone, but i think i’ve emphasized my point of buck going through some shit in this episode to the point where that isn’t strictly necessary). for the rest of this post, i’m gonna kind of analyze every single little thing that buck does and says in the therapy scene bc pretty much all of it contributes to my burning hatred of that therapist.

like, yeah, no SHIT, honey!! as far as we, the audience, are concerned, this is the First time he’s EVER been to therapy. in my own personal experiences, my first time going to therapy was SO uncomfortable. and just looking at buck right here makes me feel uncomfortable, too—he’s fidgeting with his hands, looks to the side, looks down, looks up at her for a moment before looking away again. this boy looks nervous as hell, and for good reasons. he confirms that he is in fact uncomfortable, and then the therapist says, “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” remember that, because i’m not gonna go into the importance of that quote just yet.

the next thing buck says is, “uh, yeah, i’m, uh, i’m not really into feelings.” he kind of avoids looking at the therapist as he says this, though not as much as he did in that last gif. but his voice is like... uncharacteristically quiet as he says it.

more!! avoidance!! he keeps averting his eyes, looking anywhere that ISNT his therapist. and at the end of what he says here, he clenches his jaw a little. a nervous tick, maybe? i don’t know. as he talks here, though, his voice is, yet again, very quiet. he sounds just about broken right here, and it makes my heart ache so bad for him

after a brief break to check out what athena and michael are talking about, his therapist says, "i treat a lot of first responders—people who run toward danger—but maybe there's something you're running from as well? what is it about discussing your feelings that scares you?" the answer buck gives her? a very defensive, “i’m not scared.” if youre not scared, then why are you avoiding talking about your damn feelings like the fucking black plague? and when i say that he says it defensively, i mean, like, way too defensive to Not be suspicious

we don’t get to hear anymore about that particular question because next, we’re checking up on athena and michael again, and then we’re talking about something else. the therapist says, "you lost somebody. that's hard."

as he says this, he sounds fucking SAD. he sounds completely and utterly BROKEN. throughout this whole clip, he sounds entirely broken. the therapist asks if this was his first time. he responds with, "i mean, i've had calls where it was... too late, but, uh, but i've only been doing this not even six months. now, i... i just can't shake the feeling that this one didn't need to go down the way that it did." again, he sounds like he’s hurting really badly. this loss is really taking a huge toll on him and that is Very clear. she then asks him if he thinks there was something he could have differently. he doesnt respond, just looks up at her like this:

his eyes are a little red, and it looks like there are some tears in his eyes. like wow, you could murder me and it would hurt less than seeing buck like this

now, the next snippet is about where everything Starts Going To Shit (this is also the part where i start sobbing like a dumb baby, but thats neither here nor there). 

you see that shit right there?? if you listen hard enough, you can hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. from this point on, buck is CRYING. honest to god fucking CRYING. he looks like he’s hurting so badly, especially at the end of that gif, when he furrows his eyebrows. it looks kind of like he’s trying to keep himself from straight up Sobbing. i’m sure it seems almost like i’m dwelling on this for a little longer than necessary, but i think emphasizing how emotional he is in this part is very important to understand just how much the end of this scene makes me fucking SEETHE. this next little bit is where i start to transition from Sadness to absolute Rage

you see that? this is the start of my slow deterioration into madness. up until this point, everything about this therapy session was completely and entirely professional. but home girl decides, hey, yknow whats a good idea? waltzing my happy ass across the room, sitting down directly in front of my PATIENT, and resting my hand on said PATIENT’s arm. i dunno about you guys, but this seems terrible on so many levels that it isnt funny.

now, yknow what happens next? some classic avoidance from our boy. she calls him mr buckley, so he says, "it's, um... it's actually just buck." (after VERY AUDIBLY SNIFFLING by the way, but i digress). he then deflects even FURTHER by asking her if she friended him on facebook. 

“i thought you looked familiar,” he says. he’s no longer actively crying at this point, but there are most certainly still some tears in his eyes.

now, do you know what happens next, after a brief break to check up on athena and michael? the worst thing that could happen happens! i know it, you know it, little miss unprofessional sleeps with buck! and yknow what she says Immediately afterwards? “i can’t believe i just did that. i am so sorry.” like.... no! saying “sorry” doesnt change the fact that you TOOK ADVANTAGE of someone who is CLEARLY not in the right frame of mind to consent to something like that. yknow what he was doing the last time we saw him? crying. bc hes in a very vulnerable place in this episode. and yeah, sure, i guess you could make the argument that he was seducing her a little, but that doesnt change the fact that this is fucked up. now, side note about me, i’m only in high school and i’ve never had any job before, so i dont quite know the ins and outs of the professional world. but i do know a thing or two about common sense, so its pretty easy for me to assume that shit like this is awful on like a million different levels. i think the power imbalance is super clear to anyone who has any number of brain cells.

now, buck being as emotionally stunted as he is, says that she made him feel better (probably just for a few minutes, but thats neither here nor there). and yknow what she says? “you should go.” remember that quote from earlier? the one that i said was important and that i was going to go into later? “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” yknow what buck Didnt do? deal with those feelings. he talked about his feelings for maybe ten minutes, and that’s assuming that, during the cuts to athena and michael, the session was continuing and that it wasnt a matter of like, oh, this stuff is happening At The Same Time.

and all that is just During the session. we dont ever see the aftermath of it, we dont ever see buck talking about that session or anything along those lines. and we most certainly dont see him trying to go talk to a different therapist. the rest of what im going to be talking about this post is purely speculation, but i think its highly probable that this could all be canon. like i just mentioned, as far as we know, buck hasnt gone to another therapist after that shit show. additionally, we can also assume that buck really hasnt talked to like....... anyone about the shit he’s gone through, both past shit and shit that was brought up from this first loss of his. so as far as we’re concerned, he’s never properly worked through it all. he’s also probably never gotten any proper coping mechanisms to deal with any further losses. it seems a little too morbid to think that bucks just gotten used to the feeling that comes with losing someone, so i think its pretty safe to assume that, after every single loss he suffers, he gets like..... super fucked up, purely because he never talked about (a), the reason why hes scared to talk about feelings, or (b), how to deal with said feelings, especially when they’re bad. and thats not fair to him!! that loss clearly took a huge toll on buck, Most of the description of that episode is talking about the roller coaster and bucks feelings, but he never got to heal from it. if buck doesnt get something akin to a redemption arc, where he gets to see a therapist to properly work through all of his issues, i’m going to riot

anyway. thats all i have to say on the matter. i’ve been working on this for most of the day because i have so many thoughts and feelings about the way buck was treated during this episode. i will die mad about it. but i think i’ve said pretty much all i have to say on the topic now, so i hope my frustrated rambling was interesting or whatever to read. so, thanks for reading! ♥

[yoyoyo85s]

You called and first thing u said was "I only have one hour cos my mom's coming home". Idk wht to do with tht information but I'm just glad u made time and I had u for more than tht.

"You sent me long messages"

I put my phone down cos I got embarrassed as I was reminded wht things I said to you last time. I was bein so dramatic. But I regained composure

"Yeah. What about it"

"Nothing."

Can u just say why u wanna say? Cos it's not nothing tho.. But yeah I wouldn't wanna delve in with it rn

"I couldn't answer you yesterday cos I was with my family"

I didn't ask cos I figured u were celebrating Lebaran but still, thank you for letting me know. It's alright.

Kept moanin abt how hot it is as ur AC's broken, u kept smudging ur nose as it was itchy, it's gone red maybe cos of dust allergy, and u have ur menstruation as to which I thought to myself "I'll have mine soon" idk. You kept whining bout ur hair becoming too long and wnted to have a hair cut but couldn't cos u're too afraid of covid as to which I replied "Covid's on my side thn"

And then u chastised me a bit on how I don't wear mask on my video updates which my friends have been bugging me bout lately.. I couldn't make any excuses though but yeah I appreciate ur concern ;p

Switching to random topics from time to time, then silence and more stares and I kept on scoffing with delight everytime I catch tht look on ur face.

"What"

"Nothing. It's just tht I like tht mean look on your face... nvrmnd."

You got amused "Yeah everyone say I have a bitch face"

"Well I wouldn't put it like tht. It's just tht ur neutral face have ths mean eyes and a look where it says 'I'm better than everyone else' tht kind of thing"

Is it the same thing? It's just that it's quite confidently arrogant and I'm sure almost anyone has an impression of you as somewhat rigid and stringent. And I think it fuels my attraction to u and evn further my desire to JUST. MAKE. YOU. MINE.

It rly also doesn't help me when u put the camera too close to ur face, thn I notice tht the neckband on ur shirt is stickin out. It makes me wanna insert my finger inside ur collar, hook it up and grab it with my thumb and pull u closer to me. But I couldn't say those foolish thoughts out loud which made me intensely exhale air out my nostrils and have tht suggesting grin of mine

"What?"

"Nothing. You're gon find it weird whn I say it" I did the exhale thing agn

"What?"

I whispered my answer.

"What? Say it louder"

I couldn't look at u as I said it in a hushed voice, I was a bit embarrassed. But u still didn't hear it as the connection was terrible too

"What is it?"

Still lying down on my side, I look at u intently, swallowed and took a breath, for the third time, I seriously said it loud and clear

"You look so sexily beautiful."

I couldn't conceal my smile. You were baffled and just laughed in a ridiculous manner.

"Huh. You have weird taste"

"It's true tho"

I hope u do believe me whn I say ths things cos as much as u'd like to call me flirty or greasy or corny, there's genuinity with my words.

"You say I have weird taste. It's like you're saying you're weird"

"Yeah. I am weird though"

"Yes you are"

And I almost fuckin continued "but you're my weird"

Ohdeargod help hahaha smh

You were sitting on the floor and resting ur back against the wall, kept leanin ur head back as it was agonisingly unpleasant, makin ur throat exposed, ur hands crossed clutching both shoulders. All those time with u in tht position and gazing back and forth to nothing thn to me

And evn tho I rly do feel sorry with ur current situation being irritable and uncomfortable and all, I couldn't help myself repeating tht foolish action where I kept scoffing thru my nose, smirk then burrow my face.. Cos I wanna straddle u on ur lap, pin u against the wall, grip ur hair to make ur head throw back thn nip ur neck and plant kisses all over and suck the life out of you and ohdeargod.. I also can't help but feel sorry and laugh at myself tht I'm thinkin these things..

You keep catching me whn I take my captures of u since earlier and whn u do, u cover ur face. I think u know how I take screenshots cos u'd hear it whn I knock on my screen or see my thumb fondling near the front camera lense as I try to swipe down and tap tht button it's annoying.. You're annoying

As u saw the pic I sent you (which is one of my fav cos u were smiling and being playful and ur lips were so kissable), it was from a long time ago and it showed tht u were indeed wearing the same shirt which I kept ramblin abt earlier. You then questioned my hobby.

"Why do u keep taking pictures [of me]?"

"Why not?"

"It's low quality."

"Well, u rly don't do selfies"

"I have some on my Instagram"

"It doesn't matter cos it's not like you're gonna give me when I ask you anyways"

You just mocked me with tht adorable laugh.. It's true tho, when I ask u abt somethin u're just gon say no so leave me be ;p

"I'm not gon keep my hopes up"

"I'll send it to you one day or tomorrow"

"Yeah yeah. I'll just listen from ths ear and let it out on the other"

"I'll send it someday"

And the thing is I rly didn't put tht in mind but an hour later I received a photo. I tried to push my luck "Any more? " and u sent me another. And another. And another. And another. And another thn another.. This is one of the things I like abt you. You'll say one thing tht's definite, I stop prodding. Thn u do another and I end up gettin wht I want in the first place.

So yeah. I'm not mopey anymore hahaha also I fnishd writing ths at exactly 15:27 too

[datingadviceonreddit]

I mean, in theory there are things that could be done about it, but in practice it turns out that I can't do any of those things. I've made some friends over the course of my life, but most of them have been just as happy not knowing me, and the few that have stuck around rarely have time for me these days. I've tried to pursue romantic relationships, but the more I do, the closer I come to the conclusion that it's ultimately an exercise in futility, at least for me.I've always wanted to be in a relationship. In a way, I feel like I've been training my whole life to be the best boyfriend I can be. One of the most frustrating things about my lack of success in relationships is that I actually feel like I've come close to attaining this goal. I think I bring quite a bit to the table in a relationship. I'm a kind and patient person, I'm resourceful and intelligent, I'm articulate and great at conversations, I can make people laugh, I reject pettiness whenever possible, I'm physically active and in great shape, I have a variety of interesting hobbies, I'm well read and well educated, I've been gainfully employed since before I graduated high school, I have great career prospects, and I'm good with money. It feels really cringy to type it out like that, but I really am checking a lot of boxes here if I'm being honest. I'm so fortunate, I have so much going for me that so many other people don't, it almost seems impossible that I've had such terrible luck finding someone that might want to share my life with me.I've actually done quite a bit of research into the subject of what women want. I've read books, I've read countless online articles and discussions on various romantic subjects, and I've asked a lot of women directly. I've heard a lot of first hand accounts of terrible partners and terrible dates. I've seen screenshots of men with wounded pride texting things to women that should earn them a prison sentence, I've heard stories of men who wouldn't wipe their own asses or didn't know how to fold laundry, and while most of these stories were meant to be humorous, most of them were deeply, deeply frustrating instead because of the underlying commentary: Yeah, this guy is a total joke, but at least he can get a date. In the course of my research I feel like I've gotten a decent impression of the general standards most women have for men, and frankly the bar is on the floor. Women don't have unreasonably high standards, mostly they just want someone they have chemistry with who is also a mostly-functional adult. With everything I have going for me and with all the times I've shot my shot, it seems almost impossible that I've had such terrible luck finding someone that might want to share my life with me.I've tried a variety of strategies. Online, and IRL, long-distance and local, I've tried being enthusiastic, I've tried being aloof, I've tried being vulnerable, and I've tried being mysterious. Mostly I'm content just being myself, but that seems to have even less success if you can believe it. Dating is a numbers game, I know that. I know no one has a 100% success rate with asking girls out, but damn. From a purely statistical point of view, after all this time, after all these attempts, you'd think I'd have at least one or two success stories to tell you, but I don't.I think part of the problem is that I'm not necessarily showcasing my good qualities in an easily digestible way. I can't make an online dating profile filled with all the awesome things about me without coming across as a self-aggrandizing asshole. I can't even write this post without coming across as a self-aggrandizing asshole. No one is ever talking to me for long enough or interested enough to ask me personal questions, so no luck there. Why can't someone just be interested in me enough to discover these qualities in a natural organic way? I shouldn't have to shove my good qualities down someone's throat in hopes they might like me. I wonder if other people have this problem.I would be okay with striking out if I thought it was a learning experience. Many of my attempts have taught me valuable lessons and informed how I approach the situation in the future, and I'm grateful for those experiences. But as I've gotten older, my failures have gotten less and less educational. Partially because getting shot down is starting to feel more and more familiar, but mostly it's because as my dating pool has gotten older, they don't even bother shooting you down anymore. I can't remember the last time someone said something like "I appreciate it, but I'm not interested, sorry" or "Aww thanks, but I have a boyfriend" or even something like "Sorry, you're not my type". No, these days you just get ghosted. Just radio silence. There's nothing to learn from negative results except "whatever you just did didn't work" and when that happens enough times in enough diverse situations it gets harder and harder to ignore the obvious common denominator: Me.Something about ME is fundamentally incapable of attracting a mate. Maybe it's because I want it too much, maybe it's because I'm significantly less attractive than I think I am, maybe it's something else altogether. The frustrating thing is that I don't know. I don't have any data to work with. No conclusions to draw, except "whatever you just did didn't work". At this point I'm so exhausted by the whole process that it's almost impossible for me to get excited about someone anymore. I used to feel attraction and get hyped, but now I feel attraction and just feel deeply depressed. I used to fall for someone and imagine cuddling, having late night conversations, or growing old together, now I meet a cute girl I have chemistry with and just immediately feel bitter disappointment. I don't even bother asking them out anymore, because I know how it's going to go. I know how it's going to go, because it goes the same way EVERY TIME. The worst part about being this lonely isn't even that there's seemingly nothing I can do about it, it's the fact that even if the girl of my dreams appeared in front of me desperate for me affection, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even talk to her. What would be the point? I'd ask her out, she'd probably say yes, we'd exchange numbers, I'd text her a couple of times, and then the conversation would almost immediately dry up and we'd never speak again. The same thing happens every time, and it costs so much emotional energy that I just can't justify it anymore. I don't even want it. If the girl of my dreams walked into the room, I'd find an excuse to walk out of it.I just wish I was okay with being alone. I mean, ideally I wouldn't be alone, but since that's apparently not an option, at this point I'd settle for just being content with my own company. If only I could switch off this longing and stem the flow of hormones. If only I could go the rest of my life without ever thinking about it again, I think I'd be okay. I really do have a lot going for me, and I have the potential to live a long happy life, as long as I'm okay with doing it alone. I guess that's where I'm focusing my efforts now. If loneliness is inevitable, I might as well get comfortable.TL;DR: Woe is me and I'm feeling stuck. Anyone else relate to this shit? via /r/dating_advice

[jillmckenzie1]

The Silver Lining – Online Dating on the Road

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, I came across a guy on Bumble who immediately proclaimed in his bio that faith was the number quality that he was looking for in a woman. Okay. He then proceeded to say how much he loved positivity and hated photo filters: “Real is beautiful.” You got it, bud. I second the filter hate train. I mean, I’ll send you a dumbass video of me with cheeseburgers circling around my head, but a hard no on the cat ears for public visibility. In true Stephanie fashion, I led with: “Should I start sending all my Snapchat filter selfies now or later?” (don’t worry, the answer is yes, I do amuse myself). Here’s the part where you sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. His response: “Funny, Funny. I wonder what a vagina looks like filtered? Huh [insert light bulb emoji]. I have an idea. Test it out for us. Send me one both ways. I’ll let you know [insert smiley face emoji].”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yep, this actually happened. Seriously. I responded and questioned why, on any planet in any point in time, he believed this response would be an acceptable way to speak to a woman. Ever. I recall using words like “disgusting” and “degrading” (I’m sure the screenshot is somewhere deep in the abyss of my iPhotos if you need evidence). His response? He was joking. Right. Super funny, dude. Real funny. Report. Block. Terminate. Bye.

If you’re single, you’re not surprised by this story. If you’re in a relationship, I hope to God you are completely astounded. And, while I often think dating apps are the absolute devil, it is also the current means to an end. Are you even a real single person if you are not on a dating app? Not even kidding. Okay, slight over exaggeration, but truly, never in our wildest teen years did us 30-something-year-olds imagine using our phones to score a significant other (AIM, sure, but not our phones).

So, I exist in my current reality. Fact: I’m single. Fact: I’m transient. Fact: I’d like to be in a relationship. Fact: I don’t care whether or not that relationship exists in a transient or stationary state. So, yes, if our vibe is high and you want to hop in the Airstream and explore every end of the earth, great. If you work in a job you love in a city that you call home, ask me to stay. Let’s ride the wave. Together. Because, seriously, doing life with someone who really gets you better than anyone else ever could is the real damn deal.

Back to dating. I don’t think anyone actually dates anymore. I am actually convinced that it’s not really a thing these days. There’s like pre-dating in which you entertain the idea of actually dating. And then there is friend-zoning or jumping deep into the abyss of quasi-matrimony. I speak with experience from the former, not the latter. And, mark my words, “friends with benefits” is so hot right now. I actually went toe-to-toe with two guy friends at a bar last weekend in a pursuit to convince them that the typical Millennial male is more often than not seeking a friend with whom he can simply have sex than an actual committed relationship (let’s just say they didn’t disagree). Because, I actually do believe that most men do not want to sleep around with handfuls of random girls. They seem to be perplexed by their own paradoxical existence of not wanting anything serious (i.e. being forced to attend your grandma’s 80th birthday with you) while simultaneously wanting to have sex as much as humanly possible.

Let me present to you exhibit A.

I moved to Denver in my Airstream last spring. I met a guy on Bumble who happened to be on the way to a bachelor party for the weekend. I assumed we would engage in an hour-long text conversation that would end with him asking me to send nudes or with him sending me a completely unsolicited dick pic (because, yes, as you can assume from the above scenario, guys really do that). I’d tell him to (a) Google a nude, any nude (most certainly not mine), if that’s what he wanted, or (b) I’d cuss him out for exposing himself like a disturbed and arrogant asshole, and I’d add another tally to my list of douchebags found in the wild.

Welp, surprisingly, he proved me wrong. Beyond that, he actually seemed interested in who I was as a human being, and he proceeded to text me non-stop over the course of the weekend. While at a bachelor party (I feel that this detail needs repeating).

So, he returns home three days later and we commit to actually meeting face to face (like, whoa). And, for lack of a better word, it’s flawless. We’re super funny together (priority one), conversation is natural, and chemistry is fire. We hang out for a few weeks, which inevitably leads to sex. Immediately, he drops the bomb: let’s be friends. Let’s. Be. Friends? Oh wait, I’m sorry, correction, let’s be BEST friends. Perfect. Great. Because, I’m really lacking in the best friend department (insert massive eye roll here).

At this point, I assume it will die out. I assume that he used the nice guy “let’s be friends” card in an attempt to save my feelings and he will vanish as quickly as he had appeared. But, no. He quite literally continues to pursue my friendship. For a month he asks me to do nearly everything with him. He also proceeds to pay for everything: climbing, concerts, movies. Let’s note here that he also proceeds to take my clothes off on a semi-regular basis (despite his constant commentary on us needing rules to prevent such happenings). Final bomb: after a Luke Bryan concert, while sitting on a bench enveloped by a Colorado night sky, he tells me that he loves my soul. I’m sorry, what? Like, we are dating, bro. We. Are. DATING. I don’t care what you title me, but let’s call this thing by its Urban Dictionary definition. He follows up this statement with the fact that I simply deserve better. One, I think I am being dumped for the first time without ever actually having been in an established relationship. Two, fuck off. No one gets to tell me what I deserve. I decide that. So, no, I don’t deserve better. You simply deserve less based on your own evaluation of whatever this thing is that we’re doing. Say that, please. Own that.

So, spring came. And, spring went.

Summer roared in like a lion, and I committed myself to rock faces and mountain peaks, two things that I find to be (surprisingly) much more predictable than men. I also dove even deeper into my work (don’t worry, the digital dating gods still delivered amidst my commitment to my professional projects).

Enter exhibit B.

As a freelance creative director and brand strategist, I work remotely for all of my clients. Idaho. California. Kentucky. Texas. I sometimes wonder if I have a subconscious goal to knock off all 50 states. With all that being said, I met a guy in another state who pursued me completely on his own accord. My vision had always been to travel with my Airstream, but I was never 100% certain on dates. This guy gets my number, he uses round-about questions to engage me in some witty banter, and low and behold he says, “Move down here and I’ll fix all your dating problems.” Wow. Bold statement. I like it. So, after a couple months in this state of flirting euphoria, I commit (amongst a sea of many factors, but I’m intrigued by what’s happening here). He calls me pet names and we have running jokes, and if you know me, these are the keys to my heart. So, I’m smitten kitten. Without any expectation of what will actually become of it. If anything.

The point here is that I show up. I have the luxury of saying yes and then doing something about it. I want to be next to him, so I choose that. Because his voice brings this uncanny smile to my face, and when his name appears on my iPhone notifications, there is a simultaneous level of excitement and comfort. He is fireworks, and he is coming home. And the beauty lies not only in the feeling, but also in the reciprocation of the feeling. Because, there is zero bone in my body that has interpreted anything that he’s told me as being untrue.

Until I’m there. Until I’m standing in front of him begging for every inch of contact. And, that alone becomes the culmination of months of aggressive flirting. Me. Begging (like, seriously, just kiss me before I scream). Because he likes me, but he doesn’t know. I’m sorry, what? Yes, he likes me, but he doesn’t know. Because, self-admittedly, he is a tease. And, he likes it, even though he’s not proud of it (his words, not mine). Perfect. Great. Because, my character flaw is not consuming enough water daily. The effect of this flaw on other people: zero.

At this point, I need to clarify two things. One, I respect people who have an awareness about what they do not know. There is nothing wrong with not knowing. I would take harsh honesty over a sugar-coated lie ten times out of ten. My frustration or disappointment or bewilderment exists in the actions that suggest otherwise. I get it, the pursuit is fun, but if you are not ready to take the elk out of the woods after the hunt, then why are you going hunting in the first place? Terrible metaphor, by the way, but rolling with it. Two, I do not believe in forcing anything in life. I spent far too many years making things happen in the pursuit of checking off items from some proverbial checklist (which is entirely bullshit, by the way). So, for someone not to choose me does not devastate my being. Yes, I have feelings. Lots of them. Too many of them, probably (hello, Leo over here). But, in a world where we get to choose everything (for argument’s sake), I’m not into forcing anyone into a choice that involves me.

What I have observed in this last eighteen months of singledom is that no one wants to commit. To anything. There is no need to commit to anything. Most guys are on dating apps to have sex. Okay, rephrase, most guys are on dating apps posing like they want something substantial in order to get sex. I actually have the most respect for bios that read, “If I’m being honest, just looking to hook up.” Bravo. Kudos to you, dude. Because, I have had my own seasons of wanting more and wanting less. And, there is nothing wrong with either choice. There is nothing wrong with existing in either space. It’s the lack of honesty that burns me to my core. Stop flirting with me if it’s not going anywhere. Stop wasting my time. I don’t need more friends off of Bumble, or sliding into my DMs, or through obscure means of getting my phone number. Truly. I’ve reached my lifetime quota after 34 years.

In tandem, what I have observed in the last eighteen months about myself is that I am, most certainly, a lover and believer of words. And, that is the crux. That online dating, or simply just dating, is this whole show of words. That are so easily believed. And it’s just all shit. If I had a dollar for every guy who suggested running away with me in my Airstream, I would have been able to pay straight cash for my new F-150 a few weeks ago. Seriously. There’s one in LA, and a couple in New Jersey, a handful in Texas, and so many in Colorado that I’ve actually stopped counting. Because the minute I say, “Okay, I’m calling you on this statement,” my experience indicates that they can’t live up to it.

Great, tell me all about your fantasies, homeboy, only to ghost two days later (or, better yet, I find out about your undying love for your current girlfriend on your second to last Instagram post from five days ago). Newsflash, smoother operator, this is my actual life over here. Hope you enjoyed your glimpse.

So, yes, I’m attempting to not grow cynical. I’m also attempting to unpack two very real personal questions. One, if a game must be played in order to win the affection of another, and that game requires me to act outside of my normal state, then am I even winning if I do “win?” For example, guy articulates that he doesn’t know if he wants anything. Then, the same guy asks for me to bring him food because he’s stuck at work. I show love through service, so naturally, my being is dying to deliver said food. But, guy advice (based on my current inner circle) is usually, don’t bring him the food: “He’s using you. If he can’t say that he wants you, but is willing to get favors from you, show him that you don’t have time to do him favors without him giving you a respectable level of commitment.” And, this is fair. This actually makes sense. But, still, I deliver the food (yep, that’s me) because, yep, that IS me. And, I don’t want to be anything but myself. Ever.

Two, what is my responsibility to give people space to be honest and themselves but also to guard my own heart in that process? I believe in ease. I believe that there are certain things in life that mysteriously and beautifully fall into place. I’d like to believe that a romantic relationship would unfold in a similar fashion. But, if this guy says he doesn’t know and then proceeds to engage with me in a fashion that suggests otherwise, should I believe his actions or his words? And, the fact that I’m asking that question is my answer, right? If the right person were standing in front of me, I’m confident I wouldn’t have to be choosing between his actions and his words in the first place because there would be an alignment in both areas that carries the level of integrity that I demand for in my own self. Yet, here I am, FaceTiming my best male friend at 7:32pm on a Wednesday night to ask how to respond to the 47th text message from a guy who just doesn’t know what it is that he wants from me, making me perplexed on how to proceed with my own verbiage and actions.

At this point, let’s add the nomadic element to the mix. And, I am quite confident that therein lies a bigger piece to this commitment-phobic puzzle. Because, it is easy to fall into a routine with someone who resides within your city limits and has a similar schedule to your scripted life. It is an entirely different thing to choose a person who has the freedom to leave. To ask someone to stay requires a deeper level of commitment. It means that someone is choosing for me to do life alongside him, and it means that we are taking off into the sunset together or I am abandoning the road to call someone my home. Ultimately, that choice is my desire. Because, the more I embark on adventures alone, the narrower the gap becomes for me to experience those things for the first time with someone else.

And, I’m starting to question whether or not anything is actually beautiful without it being shared, without it being seen through two sets of eyes in the same moment, if anything is real without the conversation of that thing existing between two coherent bodies.

So, I continue to sit and manifest these desires in the belief that, one day, I’ll be done with the exhibits. That, one day, someone will choose me, and I will choose him back. Without force. Without fear. Without the twenty questions. Granted, maybe I’ve already missed out on Mr. Perfect somewhere in between. Because I didn’t like his shoes. Or his haircut was weird. Or, I swiped left because he failed to include a bio (c’mon, guys). Regardless, I know that wanting something requires attention to that thing. I know that wanting someone requires intentionality to his existence. So, I’m here. Showing up. Attempting to live outside of our digital dead zone. Attempting to keep doing the work to have that one thing that my heart yearns to explore. I can reason that if it were easy, then everyone would do it. Like, really do it. It’s not easy. Not everyone does it. Like, really does it. But, it will damn well be worth it.

Meanwhile, if you need help with your pickup lines, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs. They’re currently still free for the taking.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/the-silver-lining-online-dating-on-the-road/