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artificialqueens · 6 years ago

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From Head to Mistletoe, We'll Never be Alone (Witney) - Sammy Indigo

A/N: Day Three! I do hope your week is starting well. This piece looks at the relationship between Willam and Courtney, with a hefty side order of Alaska, and a sprinkle of Sharon. Love to you all.

Willam loves his friends.

He doesn’t like to show it, he doesn’t like to admit it very often, and he doesn’t like to tell themhe loves them…no queen needs their ego booted like that, in Willam’s opinion.

Most of the time, this is all true.

Mostly.

Sometimes it’s hard to pretend that he doesn’t love them.

Willam is a person of note, and he has a reputation to uphold, goddamnit, and so, the times when he fully expresses his undying love and loyalty for his friends can be described as ‘few and far between’. It tends to be easier to post a photo to Instagram with the caption ‘Love this bitch’, than it is to just give in and give someone a hug.

Alaska and Courtney are probably his best friends, certainly the best friends he has who are drag queens, and definitelythe best ones he has who have also been through the hellhole that was Drag Race. They share a bond that can’t be broken, but that canbe severely tested by their egos and tempers.

Well, Courtney and Willam’s egos and tempers.

Alaska is mostly chill, despite the odd tantrum, but that’s usually not directed at anyone in particular. Typically Willam and Courtney don’t fight per se, they just bicker. They all tease each other, all three of them, because that’s what friends do, but Willam likes to push it a bit more with Courtney until she bites back and gets mad.

(He fucking loves making Courtney mad.)

Back stage, Willam will tell Alaska that her hair looks beautiful, will help her zip her dress, will compliment her look for the evening. Alaska will beam, and thank him. Willam loves Alaska. Willam loves making sure that Alaska knows she’s his best friend.

Later, Willam will take one look at Courtney, as they’re about to perform and say, “For a queen with a wig company, you sure do have some shitty wigs.”

To which Courtney will reply with a huge grin and slap to Willam’s arm, “Fuck all the way off, Bill.”

(Courtney is special.)

Or, Willam will wait until they’re about to get into the Uber to go to the venue, look Courtney up and down, and say, “Oh, girl, you’re wearing that to the gig? I admire your bravery.”

And Courtney, a smile on her lips and lipstick on her teeth, will laugh, “I hate you.”

Willam will laugh, too, and Alaska will roll her eyes as Willam pins Courtney to the side of the car to wipe the lipstick from her front teeth with his thumb as she squeals.

Before the meet and greet, just as Willam is teasing the last of his hair, he will catch Courtney’s eyes in the mirror, smirk, and sweetly ask, “What time are you going to start doing your make up?”

“I’ve already done it, you cunt.” She’ll reply, and kick his shin, not too hard. Sometimes she’ll tickle his sides until Willam laughs like a seal and Alaska tells them it’s time to go.

But then, Willam will pinch Courtney’s side, and mutter under his breath about her contour. She’ll brush him off and ignore him, choosing to stick by Alaska’s side. Willam will pull her dress, and call her ‘coont’, and shout and scream her own parodied song lyrics too loud in her ear. Courtney will tell him to leave her alone, hiss at him to ‘fuck off’ without smiling. She’ll huff and walk in front of Alaska. Willam will run ahead to walk by her side again.

(Willam loves to make Courtney mad.)

Usually it takes Alaska saying without any humour, “Stop, Willam, you’re making her mad”, to get Willam to shut up, but he’ll probably still pinch Courtney’s arm as they walk together just for some retaliation like they’re kids in the back of a car. Willam craves Courtney’s attention and it doesn’t matter what kind of attention it is.

Courtney likes to whine and complain and shout back and act the victim a lot, but they both know it’s mostly an act. Courtney likes to pout and sulk so Willam will feel bad, and so he’ll go and check to make sure she’s okay instead of seeking out the hot guys behind the bar. Alaska and Anthony will share a lookand wont say a thing as Willam sits very close to Courtney on the green room’s sofa, even when she’s so obviously seething and ignores him completely.

On the tour bus, Courtney barricades herself in her bunk. Everyone senses the tension between them, but Alaska brushes it off. Gets the rest of the cast and crew playing Cards Against Humanity while Willam climbs into the bunk, next to Courtney.

Her back will be to him, but it’s an old game and they both know how it goes.

“M’sorry.” Willam mutters, and hugs her from behind. “But you’re so fun to make fun of.”

Courtney turns in his arms, and rests her head on his shoulder. “You’re a bitch.”

“I know.” Sometimes, Willam kisses her, and sometimes he holds her hand.

“I’m still mad.” Courtney says.

“How can I make you not mad?” Willam asks her, even though he knows what she’s going to say.

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.”

She kisses his cheek. “No, do it properly. Tell me you love me, properly.”

“You’re so needy.”

“And you’re so mean.” She whispers. “Do it properly, so I know you mean it. Tell me like you don’t tell anyone else.”

Willam’s not sure how they got to this point in their friendship, but it’s their thing, now. No one else’s. Alaska knows how the routine goes, she’s witnessed it too many times, but she can keep a secret. Willam hugs Courtney tightly, nuzzles his nose into her hair, even if she still stinks from sweating in a wig on stage.

“I love you, Courtney.” He kisses her temple. “I’m sorry and I love you.” He says it with a reverence that isn’t associated with ‘Willam the drag queen’, and Courtney will kiss him back. Maybe on the chin. Maybe on the lips.

“Love you, Bill.”

Maybe they’ll sleep together in the tiny bunk, or maybe they’ll eat dinner and go back to their separate beds.

Sometimes (read: all the time) Willam likes to goad Courtney on stage. It’s funny, and the crowd always likes it, and it always makes Alaska laugh. Making Alaska laugh is one thing Courtney and Willam always agree on, so Willam likes to make the effort.

Occasionally he’s more than teasing though, and the territory will be crossed into ‘mean’ and the crowd will “oohhh” instead of laugh. When that happens, Willam just tells them all to ‘fuck off’, Sharon Needles ‘It’s comedy!’ style, but he’ll squeeze Courtney’s hand back stage in apology and Alaska will ‘awww’ at them until Willam shoves Courtney into a wall or flicks her Adam’s apple. Courtney just laughs and kisses his cheek so he’ll squirm away. If there’s a lipstick mark on his cheek for the rest of the night, well, it’s not the worst thing that Willam’s ever had on his face.

People who don’t know them very well personally (club promoters, stand in assistants, ect) often think they hate each other.

Alaska is Switzerland as Willam and Courtney scream obscenities at each other and glare across the green rooms in what appears to be silent hatred. Alaska tells the promoters not to worry. This is “just how they love each other”.

At meet and greets, Courtney likes to be clingy. Willam likes Alaska to be the buffer between them because Courtney is a goddamn woman, but that usually only lasts for the first five or ten photos before Courtney has switched sides to lean against Willam and drape herself across his lap. He pushes her away and tells her to get off but she just moves closer and eventually towards the end of the meet and greet, Willam will give in and rub her knee and hold her hand for a bit. But then he’ll tell her she’s a mess and that her lashes look wonky.

The bus bunks are tiny, smaller than a normal single bed. Alaska is too tall and has to sleep with her knees sticking out of the curtain. Willam can stretch out straight but only just.His feet press flat against the bottom wall. It’s not the most comfortable thing, and he prefers a queen bed he can stretch out in, but it’s fine. Courtney sleeps below Willam and is usually asleep by the time Willam has managed to get into a comfortable position. He likes to wait for the hum of the moving bus to lull everyone else before he drops down and slides under Courtney’s curtain.

She wont open her eyes but she’ll scoot backwards to the wall to make a tiny sliver of room for Willam and lift her arm so he can slide under it and rest against her chest. It’s always too hot and they end up kicking the sheets away.

“Okay?” Courtney will mumble against his temple.

Willam will cuddle closer and close his eyes. “Mm, yeah.” He’ll whisper, and they’ll fall asleep like that. Too hot and too close, but happy and cuddly.

And in the morning Alaska likes to wake up first so she can go to the bathroom and eat breakfast in peace. Willam’s bunk will still have the curtain around but one of his feet will be sticking out of Courtney’s bunk. It makes her smile each morning. She likes to wake them up by climbing in on top of them and just laying there until Willam shoves her off with a cackle.

When they eat breakfast Willam will call Courtney a dog and tease her about her vegan cheese (even though he constantly steals it off her plate), but he’ll hold her hand under the little table and on days when he’s still sleepy, he’ll rest his head on her shoulder. Courtney’s shoulders are bony and angular, but she’s comfy and cosy and maybe Willam loves her a lot.

Courtney tells him she loves him all the time, and Willam tells her he hates her, and Alaska just laughs to herself knowing he’ll be climbing into Courtney’s bed for a cuddle come nightfall.

Christmas rolls around quicker than either of them anticipate, and when Alaska asks what their plans are, both shrug. Alaska is going home on Christmas day with her brother, but flying back out on boxing day to do shows with Sharon right through until new year.

Willam hasn’t thought much about it.

Dipper is going home, Anthony is staying with family, Rhea is going to visit friends. His parents are going on vacation with his sister and her kids.

“I guess I’ll just stay home and watch Die Hardor some shit.” Willam tells them. “Maybe get high and call my Mom?”

Alaska frowns at this. “And you, Court?” She asks.

Courtney scrunches her nose up. “Stay at home, too, I suppose.” She says.

Alaska rolls her eyes and Willam doesn’t know why. “Why don’t you guys just spend Christmas together?”

“Oh.” Courtney says, surprised. “I suppose we could.” She smiles. “I mean, if you wanted to?”

Willam wants to grin, but instead he kicks her. “Sure. If you think you can’t cope on your own for one day.”

Alaska mutters under her breath, but neither of them hear what she says. She rolls her eyes again.

………..

On Christmas Eve, Courtney sleeps in Willam’s bed and wears bright red pyjamas with the Grinch on them. They’re from the women’s section and they’re shorts and a camisole, so her sensitive Australian body ends up being too cold even in the mild Los Angeles December.

She looks fucking cute, though, Willam thinks, even as her freezing feet press into his calves under the covers.

Outside the house, a police siren can be briefly heard in the distance.

“Is that Santa?” Willam whispers.

Courtney bursts out laughing.

Willam hugs her tighter.

………

In the morning, Willam kisses Courtney.

They kiss a lot, anyway. They’re drag queens, and kissing your friends isn’t as big of a deal among their social group as it seems to be in grander society.

This is different, though.

It’s Christmas morning, and Courtney’s still in her Grinch pyjamas. She’s tucked into the corner of Willam’s living room couch, with the duvet from the bed wrapped around her shoulders. She’s on her phone, smiling at the screen.

Willam makes them a hot drink each, because that was always the first thing his mom and dad used to do on Christmas morning. He puts his on the coffee table, and goes to hand Courtney’s to her, but she looks up from her phone. And she smiles at him. And it’s a different smile.

Not the ‘I’m looking at something nice on my phone’ smile.

But the ‘I’m looking at Willam’ smile.

And the latter smile, is the most beautiful thing that Willam has ever seen.

She’s making him soft and it’s making him sick.

He puts the drink on the table, tells Courtney he hates her, and kisses her. He kisses her slowly, with a hand on her thigh, and a hand on her cheek. She smiles the whole time.

Courtney pulls away to press her forehead against his. She pulls at the tiny hoop in one of his ear lobes until he opens his eyes.

“Are you kissing me because it’s Christmas or because you love me?”

Willam tries to bite her chin but she pulls his earring. He growls and she laughs.

“Tell me, Bill.”

“Does it matter?”

“To me.” She says. She licks a stripe across his lips. “Do you love me or is it Christmas?”

“Both?”

“Yeah.” Willam bites her lip and tugs.

Courtney chuckles. “What about tomorrow when it’s not Christmas, anymore?”

Willam shrugs. “Then it won’t be Christmas.”

“But…?”

“But what?”

She grins. “Tell me.” Courtney whispers. “Tell me the truth. It’s a secret. I won’t tell.”

Willam fucking loves her.

“I love you.”

Courtney smiles. And maybe she cries a little. “I know you do, Bill.” She kisses his lips, and holds his hands. “Even when it’s not Christmas. You love me.”

“Do you love me?” He asks it quietly, under the action of kissing her collarbone. He hopes she hasn’t heard him.

“It’s not a secret that Ilove you, you cunt.” She says. “But I do.”

They didn’t buy each other Christmas gifts. They spend three days together and then don’t see each other until the following February. Alaska says they’re soul mates in training, and Willam doesn’t know what that means, but Sharon laughs her ass off when Alaska says that, and Courtney blushes so hard her shoulders turn pink.

Tour bus beds are smaller than a usual single bed. They’re not very comfortable, and Willam’s always too hot when he’s cuddled up with Courtney, but he always sleeps well.

It’s the last day of February. The tour they’re on allows them a day of respite in a city that sounds new but looks familiar. Willam sleeps until midday, and then does two hours of work on his laptop in an almost empty bus. Most of the girls have chosen to go out into the city shopping and for food, if only for the fresh air and to escape the bus’s confines. Alaska calls him and tells him to meet them at her pinned location. Willam agrees, because even via text he can picture Alaska’s puppy eyes and he can’t say ‘no’ to her.

It’s a short walk, and the location is a restaurant. It’s vegan, and when Willam steps inside, Courtney is beaming at a menu in her hand, printed on a slate made to look like a chalkboard. Sharon and Alaska are sat on one side of the table, arguing over whether Sharon likes jackfruit or not. Willam slips into the booth on the other side of the table, next to Courtney. Their backs are to the wall so they can see the whole of the restaurant.

“You’ll love this place.” Courtney says as a greeting, handing him the slate. “No dairy.”

“The rest of the bus will be grateful, I’m sure.”

Courtney laughs and leans against him. She’s wearing a stupid pink hat that he’s sure is Aja’s, and there’s still a smudge of black under each eye from last night’s performance. They had kissed for a long time last night, after the show. Willam thinks he fell asleep kissing her.

When their food arrives, the four of them stop talking completely. It’s a testament to the food that Willam chooses to continue eating over pointing out the fact that Courtney has dropped vegan mayo down her chin. When he only has fries left on his plate, Willam uses one to scoop the mayo from Courtney’s chin, and put it in his mouth. Sharon calls him a ‘filthy whore’, and Alaska rolls her eyes. Courtney laughs so hard that she cries and the left over eyeliner runs down her cheek.

It’s fucking freezing when they leave, and Alaska and Sharon speed off toward the bus, leaving Courtney and Willam sauntering behind. Courtney has some gloves on, but she takes one off and stuffs it in Willam’s coat pocket, and grabs his hand. Their hands go red in the cold air and Willam’s knuckles seize. They hold hands until Courtney drags them into Goodwill. She flits through the racks of dresses, then the rack of children’s bed sheets, shoving fabric into the cart Willam pushes.

“What are you going to do with an old Little Mermaidbed sheet?”

“Give it to Adore. She loves Ariel.” Courtney adds a solar powered dancing flower to the cart.

“Does Adore want a bed sheet?”

“Probably not, but she’ll appreciate it. I’ll give it to her as a Christmas present.”

“It’s February.”

“So?”

So? Willam doesn’t have an answer.

In the toy section, Courtney picks up a Barbie doll that has seen better days. “I was going to get you something for Christmas, you know?”

Willam blinks. “Yeah?”

“Mm.” She puts down the doll and picks up a candle that looks like a ghost holding a pumpkin. “Actually I did get you something. I just never gave it to you.”

“Why not?”

She shrugs, and puts the candle in the cart. “I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“What was it?”

“It doesn’t mater.”

“I think it does.” Willam says. He pushes the cart to the side of the aisle and stands next to Courtney.

She takes his hand and squeezes it hard, twice. “Maybe I’ll give it to you for your birthday.” The shelf- basket next to them is filled entirely with stuffed animals. “Let’s buy one for Alaska.”

They pick a snake but put it back and choose the light pink Care Bear with a rainbow in its stomach, instead. It’s got a voice box in its stomach that makes no noise, and the bulb that is supposed to make its heart nose glow, doesn’t, but when Willam drops the ghost candle into Sharon’s lap, and Courtney hands Alaska the bear, Alaska cries a little and tells them she loves them. Willam lets her hug him for as long as she wants.

When they go to bed, Willam doesn’t get into his own bunk first, just goes straight for Courtney’s, and doesn’t say anything when Jinkx cocks an eyebrow at him.

………………

Willam forgets it’s his birthday. He’s been sleeping weird hours with touring and flights to Europe, and buses on ferries, and trains in the UK. Then he gets back to WeHo and it’s suddenly Pride, and then it’s his birthday.

It’s mid-July by the time he sees Courtney. She comes to his studio and barges through the door without knocking, and kisses him on the mouth in front of Rhea and Dipper. They don’t say anything until she greets them, and Willam dares them in his mind to try being cute and make a comment. They don’t. He’s grateful.

“I missed you.” She tells him once it’s dark and everyone else is at home. They’ve locked the doors and turned the lights down, and pulled out the futon to stretch out on. “I really missed you.”

Willam kisses her.

“Did you miss me, Bill?”

He kisses her again on the lips, and then kisses her ear.

She whines and pouts like Alaska does when she’s pretending to be Farrah Moan. “Tell you missed me, properly.”

“I missed you.” Willam kisses her neck. She smells like the bunks they share on buses.

“No.” She whines in an exaggerated Australian accent. “Do it properly, Willam.”

He kisses her neck and nips at her collarbone, holding her t-shirt collar aside with his pinkie finger. “Court.” Willam coaxes her into his lap by the hold he has on her collar. “Courtney, I missed you.” He kisses her lips as she moves a leg to straddle him. “I missed you so fucking much.” Her mouth tastes of the foul coconut water she and Rhea were drinking earlier. Willam licks her teeth. “Missed you.”

“Yeah?” She smiles. “I cried, you know.” Courtney says, arms around his neck and fingers in his curly hair. “I kept getting upset when I went to bed.”

“Because I wasn’t there?”

“I was worried you’d forget me.”

He pulls a hand away from his hair, and sucks two of her fingers into his mouth. Courtney bites her lip and Willam sucks on her fingers three times before pulling them out and holding her hand.

“I thought about you every day.” Willam says, truthfully. “Alaska said I was pining.”

“Was she right?”

He closes his eyes and pulls Courtney forward to lay over his chest. “Alaska’s always right.”

Four days later Courtney walks into Willam’s kitchen wearing a navy silk robe and Adidas slides. She takes Willam’s mug out of his hand and replaces it with a small box wrapped in red wrapping paper with snowflakes on. The paper is creased and all the corners are worn a little, if not torn completely.

“Here.” She says. “Open it.”

Willam stares at the gift. “Is this my Christmas present?”

“Yeah.” She says, shortly. “Hurry up. Open it.”

He teases her. “Can’t I savour the moment? It’s Christmas in July, after all.”

Courtney doesn’t smile. “Fucking open it, Bill. It’s been in my suitcase for six months and it’s going back in there if you don’t open it soon because I’m losing my bottle over here.”

“The fuck?” Willam doesn’t mean to say that out loud, and when he looks at her, she glares at him. “Okay, okay. Jesus.”

He tears the paper off, revealing what is very obviously a small jewellery gift box. When Willam opens it, he says, “Oh.”

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, give it back.” Courtney says, lunging forward. “It’s stupid.”

Willam pulls it out of her reach and stands up. He pushes his back against the far side of the room, eye still glued to the gift.

“I’m sorry.” She says, again. “Please. Just, let’s forget it. Let’s pretend this never happened.”

“No.”

“What?”

When Willam looks up from the box, Courtney is staring at him with shining eyes and pale skin. “I, um.” he frowns at his own inability to speak.

“I don’t know why.” Courtney says. She’s still holding onto his mug with both hands. “I don’t know. I missed you and I thought maybe you missed me, too, and I wanted to be with you…” She trails off and sighs.

The last time Willam cried properly, was eight months ago, when he watched an old video of Warner as a puppy bounding around his old living room.

He wipes at his cheeks quickly and gently takes the necklace out of the box. “Remember when I bought you that one that said ‘BLOCKED’?”

“Yeah.” Courtney says. “For Christmas.”

“You gotta put it on me.”

She smiles. Courtney puts the mug on the table and crosses the room in two strides. Willam laughs and kisses her hard until they’re both giggling and Courtney is crying. She’s always crying. She hugs his face to her chest and kisses his hair.

“I’m so glad you don’t hate me.”

“I could never. Not today, anyway, on Christmas.”

Courtney laughs again. “I love you so much, you know.”

“Yeah.” He lets her clip the necklace around his neck, fingering the delicate silver cursive that rests on his collarbone. “I guess I must love you, too, kinda, if I gotta walk around with your name on me.”

She stands in front of him and kisses his cheek. “It was this or a tattoo.” Courtney jokes. She looks at the tile floor and drops her voice. “I wanted to be with you, wherever you were. But then I really thought you’d hate it.”

“I love it.”

“You’re not exactly one for sentimentality.” She says.

“I make exceptions.” He says. “It’s hard to keep pretending I don’t love you, though, Court. And I’m tired.”

“Stop pretending, then.”

Willam smiles. “I stopped pretending before you even realised.”

……….

Sharon watches Willam from the other side of the dressing room. He’s in drag, just not wearing any clothes, trying to whip Courtney with a rolled up sequin dress as she attempts to hide behind Bianca. Bianca, for her part, is completely ignoring Willam’s seal laughs and Courtney’s whistle tone squeals, and stoically continues to comb back her flyaways.

The couch jumps slightly as Alaska drops down onto it next to Sharon.

“Noodles.” She greets.

“Lasky.” Sharon says. She nods her head in Courtney and Willam’s direction. “What’s going on there?”

Alaska glances over to them with little interest. “The traditional pre-show act of Willam making Courtney mad?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“I know.” Alaska says, and makes eye contact with Sharon. “It’s non of our business.”

“But you know.”

“Of course I know.” Alaska says with a roll of her eyes. “Doesn’t mean there’s some big secret everyone needs to gossip about.”

Sharon huffs and slides down slightly on the couch. She puts her head on Alaska’s shoulder. Across the room, Willam accidentally catches Bianca with the dress-whip, and his eyes go wide before he high tails it out of the room, still naked aside from his strip of tape and his jewellery. Courtney laughs hysterically.

“His necklace says ‘Court’.” Sharon mutters.

“He loves basketball.” Alaska says without missing a beat. “Leave them to it.” She pats Sharon’s knee. “Let them be.”

“God,” Sharon groans, “can I at least taunt them a little?”

“Not tonight.”

“Why not?”

Alaska watches Willam sheepishly return to the room. Courtney is giggling, and he hides behind her as Bianca glares at them both. “I just want to see if they’re still in training.”

Sharon chuckles, quietly. “Never thought I’d see the day when Willam Belli was so open about being in love.”

Alaska smirks. “I did.”

#oh wow #sammy indigo #witney #25 holiday fics #friendship #fluff #willam belli #courtney act #sharon needles #alaska thunderfuck #rpdr fanfiction #submission #canon compliant

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calyssmarviss · 7 years ago

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Supernatural 13x07 - War of the Worlds

Since for once i didn’t watch at 3 am but slept like a normal person and actually woke up kinda early (ikr unbelievable) i thought i would react to it this time :)

Uhm after seeing the “then” i can tell you that i don’t really give a shit about what can possibly happen to Lucifer and Mary BUT i’m really interested in what AltMichael has to sell and also i just remembered that Osric is in this one and i love this dude so i’ll suffer whatever bullshit the Deadly Duo want to make us gobble up today for them.

Jack from 13x06: “I can’t make the world a better place...”

Someone has to tell this kid that he’s allowed to live for himself and that everything doesn’t have to revolve around his alignment.

Well it sure won’t be the Winchesters but there’s surely someone out there who knows that.

09:28 Oh dear lord it starts with Lucifer monologuing like, yeah, needed that. Thanks. (also i only understand like half of what comes out of his mouth, Pellegrino needs to articulate.) Nice view tho:

(lmao at the space logo. yes it is indeed space) Yes Luci has always kinda loved nature. Just look at Casifer strolling in that park. OH MY GOD ARTICULATE I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. Pffffff. Ok I'll check if there is any subtitles available yet.

Okay let's start over.

Lucifer: "Okay bro, could you do me a favor, eat me."

Like, in the Leviathan way? :D What that would actually spare him the eternity alone in this dump. OMG FUCKING CALM DOWN IT'S NOT THAT BAD IT'S JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RUSTED METAL WHAT CAN IT EVEN DO TO YOU YOU'RE A FUCKING ARCHANGEL NO NEED TO SCREAM LIKE THAT I'm sorry but Lucifer is a wimp?

Can you hear me sigh as i gaze upon Dean Winchester's face. CAS CAS CAS CAS CAS CAS CAS CAS CAS I've seen this scene in the sneak peek but, still.

I mean... I doubt very much Dean qualifies as "a stranger" for any self-respecting supernatural creature. just take a second and imagine an angel being like "Dean Winchester who???" (actually know that i think about it that's what happened with Metatron, no? :DDD but he'd been living under a metaphorical rock for eons) It's alright Cas, you can tell him that's him, specifically (and his brother) that the angels really don't wanna see at their work meetings, he won't take it badly. Bet he would even be kinda proud :D

OH NO OH NO OH NOOOO HIS FACE IS KILLING ME. DAMN YOU JENSEN AND YOUR STUPID EMOTING. You can tell that he's thinking about the last time met with angels, and how he disappeared, and how he came back only to steal the Colt and, like, we have no reason to think the finale would have played differently if he hadn't but you can bet that in Dean's head, it's up there in the reason Cas was taken away from him and you can see the grief bubbling back up, and it's terrible and i don't want to watch this anymore.

OKAY SO we're like, 6 minutes in and we already got 1. Lucifer and Michael. (wich means Mary (edit: hum no) and Kevin are going to show up) 2. Cas and the Angels 3. Sam and Dean going after witch killers? 4. Asmodeus

And I really don't see what the witches have to do with the rest? Like, it could be a demon that lead them to Asmodeus but why would demons kill witches? Aaaah Bucklemming.

"The Jack"???? Hey let's play a game called Follow This TV Trope Link.

10:05 FFS WEIRDASS DEMON STOP CALLING HIM THAT. IT'S WEIRD.

AltMichael: "You claim to be a god in your world. Here, you're pathetic."

Oh, Mikey, no. He's pathetic everywhere.

OKOKOKOK. So what's the deal with interdimensional travel, uh? Couldn't the angels do that during the apocalypse? Like, It's a Terrible Life was probably a pocket universe created by Zachariah for funsies but the world shown in The French Mistake was an alternate universe, right? I mean, no reason at all for Cas (or Balthazar?) to create something as wonky and without magic just for the purpose of hiding weapons and when urgency was kinda important??? Also does that mean that Chuck created multiple versions of the archangels/angels? Or is it another God? Fuck I really hope they thought this through because this could be sooooo interesting.

IT'S HIIIIIIM. He looks great. He looks a bit barmy tho :D

Uh, I don't like having those crosses in the background. They catch my eyes and I can't concentrate on the actors faces.

THAT'S KETCH??? How the fuck did Dean recognized him with this beard I have no fucking idea. Also how did he (apparently not) died? I don't remember but I can tell you it looked pretty deffinitive.

"Mom shot him. Clear through the head."

Thank you for this information.

OMG I CAN'T. I know Lucifer is trying to get Kevin on his side but this is all really surealistic.

AltKevin: "Michael is taking me to Paradise World. So I can meet hot women!"

I'm dying here. So there really aren't that many women left there, apparently.

10:32 OMGOMGOMG I HOPE HE’S POWERLESS HE IS AND I'M LIVING

Ketch is looking for Rowena? For what? OH YOU'RE GONNA BE BAIT WITCH LADY (wow i'm only 17 minutes in i forgot how long it took me to react to 40 minutes episodes)(also, where is the angel? Was that Cas's only appearance in this episode and we actually could have only watched the sneak peek? kidding it's not that bad. well i have some trouble judging the quality cause of the snail pace i'm watching at but i'm enjoying doing it, so)

Ketch barging in with is automatic (or something, look i’m not a firearm expert) be like "NO FINESSE NO SUBTLETY NO FUCKS TO GIVE LOOK I COULD BE A SPN WRITER" a metaphor in which the bullets are destiel and the walls of that shack the GA, you’re welcome, my job here is done.

DID THEY BRING HIM BACK TO THE BUNKER TO INTERROGATE HIM? I mean, yeah, it makes sense but also, i wouln't let this guy in my house again if I were them.

Okay this is clearly not Ketch or at least not Arthur. But the stick on tattoo thing made me laugh out loud (well i can give that to this ep. it's actually pretty funny). Yeah this one's name Alexander, he’s the Backup Twin (probs because DHJ is a cool bean?) and you can hear Dean screaming OH COME ON in his head

good screencap a +job

Such a tale of woe. Hum so if I get this right, dude didn't want to go to Kendricks because??? So he fled and became a... Mercenary?

Ketch: "A hunter." Dean: "A mercenary."

Finger guns @Dean.

This framing is... interesting. I guess. Interesting enough for me to want to grab a caption of it. Who directed this episode again? Isn't it Speight? BRB.

While i think about it, this ep is doing great at continuing the theme of mirrors and things looking like other things, what with the alternate reality and Ketch #2 showing up.

11:16 Yes it is indeed a Speight episode, which doesn’t help me at all interpretating this shot but it’s nice to know. I guess it’s just a nice, elegant way to show how (once again!) they’re not on the same page. Tbh they don’t even look like they’re in the same space at all, as if Sam had been added there and they're looking in different directions

(plz Jensen quit touching your inner thigh like that I’ve read to many body language posts for you to pull shit like that when I’m trying to analyze seriously)

CAS

lmao this is the AI from that episode Sam killed other Sams.

I mean she plays Becca in the 100 and also the AI Alie,

which imo is a great choice in this episode in a super meta do you watch other CW shows and caught this other double kinda way and she was a woman Sam killed when he was soulless and shows up in the Man Who Knew Too Much:

Where there was three Sams :D

Dumah: "Our numbers were greatly diminished after the Fall."

Mmmh I like that she's saying that to the greatest angel killer ever (pretty sure she choose to say "after the Fall" cause that's one occasion where Cas didn't actually killed them himself)

Dumah: “We’re going extinct.” Me: Well i guess it’s time to retreat to the City of Lights. Cas:

NO ONE DELIVERS CASTIEL STOP IT I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE TAKEN BY YOU NUTJOBS AGAIN DUMAH YOU BITCH NO ONE SHOULD EVER TRUST A WOMAN WITH THAT FACE SHE'S FAKE AND WILL BETRAY YOU AND CONSUME YOUR BRAIN

SLAY THEM BABE

11:58 I refuse to be happy Lucifer showed up. Nope.

OKAY ALRIGHT I actually like this

A fish on one side and the kingdom neon sign on the other.

Look at those hair. So much sass I'm in love.

YES TALK TO SAM AND DEAN BEFORE YOU SHACKLE UP WITH THE DEVIL AGAIN That's exactly what Dean meant by "don't do anything stupid"!!!

Why the fuck are they keeping Ketch in the armory?

Cas: “Yes I would like to see you too, the sooner the better.”

I FEEL YOU BUDDY

Can we keep him (this time)?

Sam: “Don’t worry, you did tell him not to do anything stupid.”

Oh, Sam.

Are you seeing that shit?

OH NO OH NO OHNO THE BAR LOOKS EMPTY WHAT DID THEY DO WITH CAS?????

YOU KNOW WHAT I HOPE HE'S IN ACTUAL HELL SO WE CAN HAVE A REVERSE LAZARUS RISING PLZ AND THANK YOU Okay let's be realistic they're not gonna be in actual Hell but in that topside complex where Crowley set up his throne room. :(

Well Dean was right. It was a Fake Twin Gambit!

And he’s working with Asmodeus!

@Cas: SEE THE STUPID THING WAS JUST GOING ALONE YOU’RE NOW JOINING ANAKIN SKYWALKER IN THE “Shouldn’t Be Left Unsupervised” CATEGORY CONGRATULATION HE’S A FUCKING DUMPSTER FIRE

13:23

Hum I wanted to do the Bucklemming bingo to cap this off but I have already forgotten stuff like one liners, are specific dialogues so guess that’s where i’m ending this already too long post and now I’m going to READ ALL THE META

#war of the worlds #spn season 13 #spn reaction #spn spoilers #supernatural #a trope for ya #castiel winchester: shouldn't be left unsupervised

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sparklyjojos · 7 years ago

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IT’S PILLAR MEN HEADCANON TIME

which turned into a bigass astronomy+astrology+conspiracy theories post because my research drive has no brakes

tl;dr: the cyclical shifting of the northern pole star was of great significance to the Pillar Race for both time measurement and astrology

long post under the cut (I’m sorry mobile users)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what the Pillar Men calendar could have been like.

Obviously they would count days (well, nights), and most likely had lunar months and years, but I’m really interested in what ridiculously big measures of time they had.

I like to think that they’d make use of the Great Year, the 25,770-year-long period it takes for a cycle of axial precession to happen. To put it simpler, it’s the time it takes for the Earth’s rotational axis to shift and once again point in roughly the same direction. (it’s complicated)

As an aside, if you divide that Great Year into 12 parts of about 2,100 years, and name these parts based on what zodiac sign the vernal equinox happens in, you’ll get the 12 astrological eras -- that’s where the famous astrological concept of the Age of Aquarius comes from. But since vernal equinox has to do with where the Sun is in the sky (and uses modern western zodiac), I doubt that the Pillar Men would base their Great Year on that.

Maybe they would count it as the time it takes for a former pole star to once again become the pole star -- the star that the Earth’s axis is pointing towards at the time, which makes it seem fixed in the sky in comparison to other stars that “revolve” around it throughout the night. You can see that effect in long exposure photos.

The current northern pole star is, well, the North Star, aka Polaris. But as the axis moves, the true north will recede from Polaris and pass other stars in a certain order throughout the Great Year. This article about Polaris has a short breakdown on which stars build the sequence, as well as which are considered too dim to count. Other lists I’ve seen usually pick 7-8 stars out of these (in order the true north passes them): Polaris, Gamma Cephei, Alpha Cephei, Alpha Cygni (Deneb), Delta Cygni, Vega, Tau Herculis, Alpha Draconis (Thuban), and Kappa Draconis (though Kochab was used instead of that last one, because it was brighter and close enough).

^^pic originally from Wikipedia, with captions from here: the orange circle is “drawn” in the sky by the Earth’s axis as it shifts. A star pictured closest to that circle at a given date would be considered a pole star, though it doesn’t have to be exactly on the line -- for example, Vega still qualifies even though it’s much further from true north than Polaris or Thuban are in their respective times.

Using Great Years for very long could get a little wonky due to the proper motion of stars making them pass slightly further or closer to the true north in following cycles, as well as seeming brighter or dimmer depending on how far they are from Earth. However, you could say that about any star-based calendar, and I’m pretty sure that your average Pillar Man’s understanding of astronomy/astrology would already be much more fluid and flexible than your average human’s. These guys live for hundreds of thousands of years. It’s long enough to personally witness constellations change shapes.

^^ Ursa Major today, and what it looked like back in 100,000 BCE when Kars was a tiny bab. And that’s a relatively unchanging asterism. (pics source) Small Kars would also see Sirius on the other side of the Milky Way than it is today, among other changes.

Back to the point, I like to think that there would be some astrological significance to what the pole star was at the time of one’s birth. What “ruler”, that all the other stars seem to rotate around, you were born under, if you will. What star it was, how close it was to the true north, and whether there even was a bright enough pole star at that time, or were you instead born during an awkward pause between two important ones or in particularly dark times (which would be the case for every currently living human from the Southern Hemisphere, btw -- technically Sigma Octantis is the South Star, but its light is dim).

So, if we assume that birth dates given in canon are correct and not just gross approximations (and a thousand years difference would very much matter here), we can use software like the free Stellarium to see that:

- Kars (100,000 BCE) was born quite possibly right in the middle between Polaris’ and Gamma Cephei’s turns at being the pole star, when they were visible at the same pretty close distance from the true north. That’s right, dude is so extra he has TWO pole stars, though neither of them is a “true” one. It may signify a duality of one’s character in a similar way that modern western zodiac does with people born on the cusp. There’s also the aspect of change, evolution, the passing of old into new.

- Esidisi (90,000 BCE) was born under Delta Cygni in the same Great Year as Kars or in the very next one, depending on when you put the beginning of the Great Year. No witty comments here.

- Wamuu (10,000 BCE) and Santana (8,000 BCE) were born under Iota Herculis and Tau Herculis, respectively. But these stars are dim, and the Pillar Race may have considered their coming to be unlucky: the beginning of the dark millenia between Vega and Thuban, when there is no bright pole star to be found. But surely that’s just superstitions. What’s the worst that could happen?

[Also, this is a wacky modern conspiracy theory, but I love the hypothesis I saw that these last two stars, located in the legs of Hercules, were what Plato was talking about when referring to the Pillars of Hercules in his Atlantis-related writings -- so by saying that Atlantis was “beyond the Pillars of Hercules” he didn’t mean where it was, but when: before the true north entered that constellation. The term “pillar” itself was according to some conspiracy theorists connected to the celestial poles; think of an imaginary spire protruding on both sides along the Earth’s axis.

And that’s my personal lazy justification for why the Pillar Race could have actually called themselves the Pillar Men, or the Men of the Pillar(s), or whatever -- because they had coincidentally thought of the celestial north pole in a similar manner as Plato did later, as the end of the “pillar” of Earth’s axis, and it was incredibly important for their astronomy, astrology and possibly beliefs.]

#pillar men #things I write instead of my master's thesis: this #*insert the usual disclaimer that I'm just a person with google and not a specialist*#long post #very long post #hcs meta and stuff

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xtremedespair3d · 5 years ago

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Anime Spring 2019 Final Impressions + Plans for Summer

My favorite anime season, Summer, is almost here! As for this Spring season, it feels like this was the most shallow season yet in terms of how many shows I watch. I usually watch over 10 shows total, with one or two every day, but now I only had Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to watch anime.

It’s more like I’m going back to the good old days where I watched one or two shows before I started watching like a crapton of shows since around 2016.

Regardless, this season still packed a couple of good titles (and one I really wasn’t fond of) that I can’t wait to talk about!

Before I rank all the anime I watched this season, I’m gonna address something:

In my previous Anime Winter 2019 post, after Kemurikusa 12.1′s release, I added this sentence: “ I don’t know how long this is going to be but I’m sure it could be a weekly release,” which I was hoping to see more of what happens next, well, lately I’ve been obsessed with wanting to see 12.2 because there was no way this was going to be just a one-off short given the cliffhanger, but a little while ago as of the writing/publishing of this post, I noticed this tweet from Tatsuki which I had it in my history, I reread the tweet and I just noticed that “there may not be 12.2″... WHICH I’VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH WANTING TO SEE 12.2 FOR NOTHING, I MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS TWEET OR I’VE NEVER USED GOOGLE TRANSLATE OTHER THAN THE MICROSOFT TRANSLATION FROM TWITTER... Oh well, I guess Kemurikusa 12.1 really is going to be a one-off short, I wanted to see more Wakaba interacting with Ryou, Ryoku and Riku, oh well, looks like we’re going back in full circle with Kemono Friends 12.1. I had to address this so I wouldn’t constantly update the previous post and nobody would have read it anyways (just like every post I make).

Anyways, sorry for making a long speech that drags the purpose of this post, so let’s get right to my rankings! Starting with my brand new tier list, then I’m going to explain what do their rankings mean:

1.- Kimetsu no Yaiba: This is it. This is the GOAT of the season. I have become quite the Ufotable fan since the Fate specials with Emiya-san chi no Kyou no Gohan and FGO x Himuro no Tenchi, and now it was the perfect time to keep up with their recent projects, and I did not expect their next big TV project would happen to be a Shonen Jump series.

Not only I would expect the good old exact same animation from Ufotable from Fate, Tales or even Touken Ranbu, but they have delivered something MORE than that, they delivered like really wild new additions to their style, like the water splashes from Tanjiro’s attacks and stuff. They even started doing CG on the characters when they’re like really far from the camera, which it’s a first for Ufotable and I’m VERY impressed, I’m so impressed to the point where I’d really love to see a Ufotable anime with their inhouse CG 100%, I don’t care if it would look good or bad, I just want that to happen.

I was initially disappointed that they didn’t deliver this face (pictured) like I wanted, but later episodes are really bringing the hilarious faces from the manga (I really haven’t read much, but I did see an image in 4chan which compiles the hilarious faces in one image. I read the first three chapters and then chapter 26 just so I can see when does Inosuke’s face reveal happen).

It’s even better that this is a two-cour series, I’m always really looking forward to watch Kimetsu no Yaiba every Saturday!

Ufotable continues to be the GOAT! I don’t give a shit about tax fraud and stuff, they just keep going!

10/10 - Rank: S++ - 100%

2.- Bungou Stray Dogs season 3: After seeing the film, Dead Apple, I was so ready to watch season 3 if this great series. And surprisingly this season only lasted for one-cour compared to the previous seasons (I always thought it was just like one season but with two-cour episodes and they just called it season 1 and season 2).

Anyways, I hope Bones will continue making more Bungou Stray Dogs seasons. Cheers to another great season of Bungou Stray Dogs!

9.5/10 - Rank: S++ - 97%

3.- Isekai Quartet: This is the perfect isekai crossover I had hoped for, and thank god there’s a second season happening. Now, who are the new characters going to be introduced in that season as teased in the first season finale...? 🤔

9.5/10 - Rank: S+ - 95%

4.- Watanuki-san Chi No: To be honest, I really liked this one a lot than Virtual-san wa Miteiru. There’s just something about the production values(?) that makes this stand out and become way better than Virtual-san wa Miteiru, it’s doesn’t include much over-the-top craziness and stuff like that. Unlike Virtual-san wa Miteiru, this one’s classified as a “drama” (or dorama even) and it’s hard for me to classify this as an anime like Virtual-san wa Miteiru.

Why do I keep bringing Virtual-san wa Miteiru a lot? Well, I think we’ve come to the point where anime with Virtual Youtubers such as this and Watanuki-san Chi No is becoming part of the animation industry’s future. Instead of handdrawing the VTubers (which I would definitely prefer for a VTuber anime 100%), how about just using Unity?

Anyways, let’s go to the topic of Watanuki-san Chi No because I’m dragging this with all the Virtual-san wa Miteiru talk. Though, to be honest, there isn’t much to discuss here. It’s a slice-of-life show with three sisters (Played by Tokino Sora, Sarugakuchou Futaba and Hibiki Ao) and all kinds of random situations happen, that’s about it.

...You know, I think I should rewatch Virtual-san wa Miteiru. I don’t want to disservice how poorly made and wonky it can be, they’re trying to be really wacky as possible (but there are moments that did cringe me out but whatever), this and Watanuki-san Chi No could be one of my Top anime of the year.

By the way, there’s something I forgot to address on Watanuki-san Chi No. Yes, there are torrents, but surprisingly no one has done any subtitles for them and Crunchyroll or any other streaming platform has picked up this series (yet). And everytime I watch an episode of Watanuki-san Chi No, I want to subtitle the series myself.

8.5/10 - Rank: A- - 87%

5.- Attack on Titan season 3 part 2: Seems like the wait was quite worth it, this second part of the third season really delivered some really good plotlines, twists and everything. And season 4 is indeed coming out... and it’s going to be the last.

The planned release for season 4 is, get this, Fall 2020. It’s long ages away and I can’t even process how would WIT Studio be able to adapt the manga’s ending if it’s possible, because Fall 2020 sounds like a good time for the manga to have ended since, depending on when will it be.

I really hope this fourth season could be two-cour, or maybe even more if they can, they’ve come a long way from the long delay for the second part of season 3 only for season 4 to be one-cour to adapt little material, it would be a huge waste if that were to happen. And I really hope we won’t get an anime original ending or something.

Maybe it could be like a Tokyo Ghoul:re situation, where they started doing the anime adaptations when the manga was about to finish (or has already ended?), then the second season came and it adapted the finale. That could defintely work for Attack on Titan, except WIT would definitely adapt the manga properly, unlike Pierrot because they had no idea what to do.

Anyways, we’ve come a really long way to see Attack on Titan end, especially the anime. With the manga and the anime ended, what will it be for the future of Attack on Titan, or even Hajime Isayama himself?

8.5/10 - Rank: A+ - 86%

6.- Fruits Basket 2019: This remake of Fruits Basket, even without reading the manga or seeing the original anime, is definitely quite solid.

Speaking of the original, I started to feel like I wanted to the original just for comparison, but I don’t really feel like watching the original as much as like I did with Kemurikusa. Besides, there are some changes that I’m not too comfortable with in the original, such as minor details like character appearances, and a big one I recently found was Akito’s gender (she’s female in the manga, the original anime made her male), so I don’t need to watch the original and just stick with this one, instead.

Like Kimetsu no Yaiba, this one is going to be two-cours (or seasons?) too, so I’m looking forward to see the ending of the series adapted.

8/10 - Rank: B+ - 82%

7.- Miru Tights: This is one of the shows I legit have mixed feelings on but I don’t know why. I’m trying to find some logical reasons why I shouldn’t make a disservice for this show. Like, this series is supposed to be targeted for Yom and tights fans, which it’s fine, but I’m kind of too biased on stockings than tights, and secondly, there isn’t much of a story that’s supposed to have, all we can do is just watch tights, that’s all. The animation is really quite solid for a newly founded studio and for a 3 minute short series, and they made a pretty good job on recreating Yom’s art style really well.

If what I mentioned sound positive, then why do I feel mixed on Miru Tights? ...I honestly don’t know. 😂

Maybe I’m on the same field as Virtual-san wa Miteiru, this is not for the faint of heart for normal people and such (I searched on YouTube and there was one akidearest video where, even from the title and description, I can tell that she’s confused. I’m not gonna watch the actual video, so I’ll let you watch and interpret from what you saw).

I’ve been expecting someone to ever say this, and it breaks my heart to say this myself, but... Yom, you’re better off doing only illustrations and never do an anime like this ever again.

At least the one thing I can highlight is that it can be viewed on YouTube with English captions and... uh... I just noticed that episodes 2 to 7 are... Privatized... (As of the publishing of this post, the series is up to episode 8)

Okay, I’ve always been feeling mixed on Miru Tights for a while now, but now I have found an actual reason to HATE Miru Tights! Way to waste accessibility for Western viewers, TRUSS.

Some people say that it could be for the Blu-Ray release, I don't fucking believe it because they have uploaded these episodes and I already witnessed them all, how come they could privatize these videos for the BD release? And I can't even bother to care to support TRUSS at all.

Anyways, the other and BETTER highlights are that they actually made the Twitter accounts of two of the main characters featured in one episode. Yua’s account, Ren’s account. This is the kind of meta easter eggs I love to see. Things from in-universe that are in real life.

One last thing, TRUSS...

6/10 - Rank: C - 64%

It definitely deserves these scores!

UPDATE - July 27th:

Now that the series has ended (and a 13th special episode is underway), my impressions on the series remains but I might have slightly changed a bit: This is the most boring anime I’ve ever watched in my life and I can’t stress enough on how TRUSS wasted their YouTube accessibility by privatizing... every episode...

WELL, I’LL BE DAMNED!

Okay, forget about the whole thing about TRUSS privatizing every episode as a new one comes every week, problem solved! 👍

However, my impressions on Miru Tights still remains, it sucks. Not only I’m not the biggest tights person (as I’m mainly biased to stockings), the anime overall is very boring. It has some decent moments here and there and the animation is great too, but the series didn’t impress me and give me high hopes like I wanted to.

I wish I wasn’t this negative on the series but for some reason I feel conflicted about it.

One last thing to say: Getsuyoubi no Tawawa is way better than this.

UPDATE - July 30th:

I randomly checked TRUSS’ channel and... episodes 2 to 11 are gone once again. Jesus christ, this is unbelieveable...

Literally as soon as episode 12 went live, all of the episodes were available, but now you just privatized the rest of the series again? I fucking hate you guys so much.

End of update.

And finally...

8.- One-Punch Man season 2: One-Punch Man 2 was destined to be my worst anime of the season, if not of the year, two seasons in a row (Kemono Friends 2 was my worst of Winter), and boy, it really delivered. The moment I heard that they were changing studios from Madhouse to J.C Staff, I always knew things weren’t going to be right and indeed happen.

There’s a lot to talk about what’s wrong with OPM2 and I can’t even process, let me get straight to the point.

For starters, the story of the season is relatively faithful to the manga. The next arc after the Boros starts with King casually walking, finds a monster and then King runs away freaking out that he’s not a real hero and stuff, that’s the first thing I caught on. I really can’t remember what I read from the manga for a long time, other than the Metal Bat vs Garou and, of course, the Miss Blizzard vs Do-S fights, but still, my point remains that story is faithful.

The story being close to the manga should be one of the things why season 2 shouldn’t be bad, but you’re wrong, let’s talk about the most important thing I’ve been looking forward to find out if it turned out to be good or bad: The ANIMATION.

The animation, well, the animation is not My Sister, My Writer-tier, or worse, Marchen Madchen-tier god awful, let’s get that out of the way. But it just doesn’t go in par with season 1′s visual style and everything. Let’s start with the metal textures because, look at this!

The metal textures just look AWFUL, even worse when they’re in motion, they just don’t blend with everything else. Maybe they tried to emulate Murata’s style with the metal, but they failed miserably.

There are also a couple of moments that had some action but they’re ruined by motion blur, I wouldn’t like to judge their decision on why they’re doing this, I mean, dimming the screen down is one thing, but motion blur? That shit can get really confusing, and the first season never had these kinds of blurs, it’s always been more smear.

There was this one episode from the Metal Bat vs Garou fights that had a giant centipede monster that was fully CGI. Seeing CG in OPM is something I never knew I needed, but it actually looks really well animated and well blended with the background and visuals, this was one of the few decently animated moments from this entire season. (Here’s a GIF of it)

The later episodes definitely have some sakuga, but even so, they couldn’t even come close to redeem myself on being optimistic with this entire season, I just can’t forgive its existence in general.

One last thing to talk about the animation, THE MOST INCRIMINATING THING EVER, was to show this flashback from the first season and LOOK HOW THEY KEPT THE SEASON 1 VISUALS AND STUFF!

Everytime I’m seeing clips of the first season, it’s always so painful to see how awesome they were and then look at season 2, what a big downgrade.

Voice performances and music are the highlights of this season. Though, in terms of the music... JAM Project’s opening for this season is SO DISAPPOINTING. I seriously expected something to top THE HERO!! or be around the same level of awesomeness as THE HERO!! and the Genos character song, Burning Blue ～蒼炎のソルジャー～ , but no, this opening is just boring. While at times it was stuck in my head, but it shouldn’t be somewhat catchy, I wouldn’t like to judge their direction too much, but come on...

And I think that’s pretty much everything I needed to discuss. Overall, I’m not really hoping for a third season of One-Punch Man, or maybe I do want it but with, you know, Madhouse? Just what kind of excuse was for the change of studio from Madhouse to JC Staff? All Shingo Natsume and Madhouse did recently was the new Boogiepop anime with mediocre character designs. But then there’s also the fact that this Monsters Association arc in the manga is taking forever to finish, so we might not see a third season in like another 4 or 5 years.

For some reason One-Punch Man 2 is still praised by Japanese viewers, I saw a screenshot of a NicoNico stream with over 80% of “I really liked it”, even ONE and Yusuke Murata still praise, which I don’t really mind if they like it, but we, Westerners, hate it to death because it’s just not the same at least in terms of animation. The story is mostly fine but it just cannot be told properly with poor animation. Season 1 may not be a perfect adaptation, as there are some things that doesn’t do the manga justice, especialy this, but it did have heart and some really clean animation that season 2 completely lacks.

At least the good thing to spawn from season 2 is more Miss Blizzard fan arts and started to give Do-S fan arts and cosplay. (I’m a simple person, don’t judge me.)

Another weird thing that this second season spawned is... a video game. Like, really? Why a video game of all things now? Not to mention that it has Boros on it, and this game would most likely cover the first season, which it’s been like 3 and a half years (I wish I could say 4 years but not without doing the math) and we’re already into season 2, which is what Bandai Namco is trying to capitalize.

Anyways, let’s settle this:

Ups:

+1: Story faithful to the manga, performances, soundtrack, etc.

+1: Few moments with decent animation.

Downs:

-98: The god awful animation and tryhard sakuga moments, even some action scenes ruined by motion blur.

Overall:

2/10 - Rank: D - 22%

At least One-Punch Man 2 deserves a bit of high score unlike Kemono Friends 2 which I gave it a perfect 0.

Let’s move on to the hottest titles I’m looking forward this Summer!

(Get it? Hottest, because... it’s Summer... and... it’s really hot... uh...)

1.- Girls’ Frontline short anime - Late July: I really want to watch this so bad and yes, it was supposed to be slated for a Spring release but nothing came of it, and I’m angry, but now we definitely have some more information that it’ll come out in Late July... As for Late July when ,exactly? As of the writing/publishing of this, there’s still no info about this series, hopefully they won’t delay it again until the Fall season with a definitive air date or something. (although, if they were, please make sure it’s going to be on October 4th)

Another interesting thing I just discovered was that I saw a random Japanese person tweet this GIF which kinda looks suspicious... I asked them where did they find it and they gave me the Imgur link, which happened to be posted on... JULY 16TH, 2018. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

I don’t know how long this anime has been in development, but for a scene to be leaked as a GIF in Imgur last year is quite something. A scene happened to be leaked but nobody has ever even talked about it, and with how long this has been in the making, only to be announced to Chinese and Japanese streams now really boggles my mind.

Anyways, I really hope I get to watch this Girls’ Frontline anime at long last, at least the one with the story characters like the AR Team and 404, the other one... speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve ever heard about that one either. What if that one is going to be this short series instead of the one with the AR Team and 404? Whatever it ends up being, just give me this Girls’ Frontline short anime series, please. I’ve been waiting so long not to watch it... or if it could ever get downright cancelled.

2.- Lord El-Melloi II Case Files - July 6th: Episode 0 from the Fate New Year in December 2018/January 2019 was relatively solid and I’m definitely looking forward to watch this series. The one thing that’s kind of holding back the interest is that, first off, this is going to be a two-cour series, which it’s cool, but the first cour is going to be entirely anime original, and then the second cour is going to adapt the first volume (or first couple? I can’t remember), like... isn’t that troublesome, especially for the Type-Moon community. At least the author, Makoto Sanda, is supervising the series, but is it really necessary to make an entirely anime original first cour and then the second cour to adapt the volumes? Was there some sort of proper communication or Makoto Sanda really wanted this?

I feel like there’s definitely some Fate anime fatigue going on, people might be getting burned out on these adaptations recently, Fate/Apocrypha and Fate/Extra: Last Encore, neither of which were kind of well-received. I really wouldn’t like to rely too much on opinions from the people I trust or I think way too highly of them, but if that’s what they feel, then I wish to stop talking to them in my entire life.

The thing is, I definitely started to have quite the hatred for fandoms and stuff, not only they could be annoying but I always picture them as hardcore elitists, extremists, etc. (Yes, I have that kind of an outlandish imagination), because I always feel like if I say something like I didn’t have problems with an adaptation, or that I really enjoyed it, I stan it, etc., I feel like I’m gonna get my ass contradicted and I hate when people do that to me. You should learn to respect other people’s opinions and let them have the right to enjoy things you don’t like. That’s why I want to be independent, I want to be alone and have all my interests to myself, instead of being in communities, because people tend to be really hateful on things I don’t care, I don’t have problems with or things I outright love. (I’m very sensitive about my tastes, okay?)

Anyways, I’m still going to watch Lord El-Melloi II Case Files, and then the Fate/Grand Order Babylonia series on Fall and so on. I just love watching Fate anime adaptations regardless of what people think of Apocrypha and Extra: Last Encore (Especially the latter because I have indeed played the original Fate/Extra game, while it did kind of freaked me out with the changes in a negative way, I’ve come to really like Last Encore, I might go so far that it’s an underrated masterpiece for the Fate/Extra players like me, who has high positive opinions on the games, unlike UQXveva sebz ECT Fvgr)

3.- Danmachi season 2 - July 12th: I wish I had seen the film before I start watching season 2. Hell, the film was even on Mexico, but I had to choose John Wick 3 over the Danmachi film.

UPDATE - August 9th:

Long after started watching the season, around the premier day, I had watched the movie which thankfully it got torrented, I thought I had to wait forever for the subs because movies tend to take so long to release, but now I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

End of update.

4.- Okaa-san wa Suki desu ka? - July 12th: I plan on watching this mainly for one thing: Recreating Iida Pochi’s art style faithfully, and from what I’ve seen in the trailers, JC Staff did a very good job, it looks solid. (At least this is one thing I forgive JC Staff for, unlike that piece of shit that is One Punch Man season 2)

So, with this isekai mom series, will we get an Ane Naru Mono adaptation some day?

5.- Fire Force - July 5th: I have never watched Soul Eater but this series is by the same person who did Soul Eater, with David Production doing the adaptation, from what I’ve seen and given that it’s David Production, this is legit giving me Cells at Work! vibes, this is like Cells at Work! but with fire fighters.

(Speaking of Cells at Work!, season 2 babyyy)

6.- Granbelm - July 5th: This little original project seems interesting. Well, probably the main selling point for me is the Re:Zero artist doing the character designs. Since this is an original anime with mecha, I hope the outcomes and everything turns well, because original mecha anime tend to be controversial. Look at Evangelion and even Franxx.

Watching the trailers, for some reason this kind of gives me Princess Principal vibes, but it’s not really like Princess Principal, unless I’m talking about interesting looking original anime with character designs by well-known illustrators. (Speaking of Princess Principal, when will we get updates from the 6 films and who’s going to be the new voice of Ange?)

7.- Dumbbell Nan Kilo Moteru? - July 3rd: I can already feel pain and regret from watching this because I recently decided to quit going to the gym because I was getting bored. 😂

8.- Tejina Senpai/Magical Sempai - July 2nd: I’ve seen some crossover/mash-up fan arts of the heroine and Hotaru Shidare from Dagashi Kashi and I believe that’s quite a lovely selling point. I was feeling 50/50 before but now I’m definitely feeling like doing it.

Why would the English title be called “Magical Sempai”, with Senpai being an M?

Thanks for reading this post, what is your anticipated anime of the season? And make sure you’re well hydrated because the world is fucking burning and I can’t stand a moment without having the AC on.

---

Carrd.

I can’t dividers on Tumblr anymore?! THAT SUCKS!!!

#anime #aots #spring #summer

0 notes

phoenixshaman · 8 years ago

Text

Super-post: Humans, Aliens, & Space

I dig all these ‘Humans are weird’, ‘Humans are space Orks’ ‘Earth could kick alien butt’ ‘Human-Steve’ type posts, and I see so many awesome variant threads that I wanted to try and put as many as possible in one place.

This has been a bit of a labour of love (and although I probably missed a few I have re-bloged before, and there are probably versions I have yet to see) I have attempted to curate and merge the various splinter threads into a whole (and have for the sake of length taken out some of the replies that were just saying how cool it is). This post includes: “Humans are weird”, “Human-Steve”, “You want a human”, & “They weren’t counting on bears.”, among others.

Enjoy -PhoenixShaman

arcticfoxbear:

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.

arafaelkestra:

To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.

crazy-pages:

Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”

Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”

val-tashoth:

“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”

“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”

“What, the molten rock?”

“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”

“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”

“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”

wuestenratte:

Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.

the-grand-author:

“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”

arcticfoxbear:

My new favorite Humans are Weird quote

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

aka The History of Alaska

unicornempire:

Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:

1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.

2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)

3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.

4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)

5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.

otherwise-called-squidpope:

“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?”

“Those worthless rocks? Yeah.”

“80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”

insane-male-alphabeticalsymbol:

This would be an interesting read if this was a book.

Like, an alien invasion is about to start and the book is a chronicle of how the aliens couldn’t handle both humans in general and the range of environments and ended up being destroyed through the eyes of one of the aliens.

Like a caption from the book would be something like

“So we sent a recon team to this place called Russia, but all we’ve heard back thus far is about the temperatures, giant monsters with fur the humans call “Bears”, and that once again, we have been reminded of how heavily well armed almost ever human settlement is.

Thus far we have lost more than a good chunk of our forces through experiments gone wrong, unsuccessful fire fights, and above all else, the humans seem to be more worried about these strange variation of their species calling themselves “Clowns”.

I don’t know what a Clown is, but sounds as if it is the dominant faction of this planet, and considering we only just found out humans practically poison themselves with this thing called beer and only get stronger and more violent, I don’t ever want to encounter such a being.

I believe this invasion was a mistake.“

elidyce:

I’ve been reading a bunch of these and all I can think about now is aliens finding out about our insane ability to walk away from accidents.

“Human Colony SDO435**, this is Gxanimi survey vessel 3489. We regret that we must inform you that the wreckage of your ship ‘Gecko Flyer’ has just been detected on planet F56=K=. We offer expressions of sympathy for this catastrophe.”

“Shit, thanks for telling us, we’ll be right there.”

“Why?”

“To find our people, of course.”

“… you wish to retrieve the corpses for your traditional death rituals, of course, we understand. We have sent the coordinates.”

“What do you mean, bodies? No survivors at all? There must be some.”

“Official mouthpiece of Human Colony SDO435**, the ship has crashed. It has impacted the planet’s surface at speed. Moreover, this might have happened as much as five vek ago. We do not understand why you speak of ‘survivors’.”

“Oh, there’ll be survivors. There always are.”

“(closes hyperspace voicelink) How sad that they are unable to accept the reality of their loss.”

“Hey, Gxanimi survey vessel 3489, thanks for letting us know about the Gecko Flyer. More than half the crew made it!”

“Made what?”

“They survived! A couple of lost limbs and so on, but they’ll be fine.”

“… but that vessel was destroyed! Images have been examined!”

“Oh, well, everyone in the fore-below compartment was crushed, obviously, but the others made it out.”

“… but the crash was vek ago! Excuse we… at least eighty of your ‘days’! How could they survive without a ship? Without shelter and supplies?”

“Well, the wreckage gave them some shelter, and of course the emergency supplies kept them going until they could start growing stuff. It’s actually a nice little planet, they said. Quite a lot of edible flora and fauna. T-shirt weather, in summer, too.”

“What is… t-shirt weather?”

“Oh, you know, when it’s comfortable to go around with only modesty covering over the epidermis. Exposed limbs.”

“That planet is so cold that even water solidifies in its atmosphere!”

“Well, in winter, obviously. But we like that. Listen, our people have been raising crops down there, and that’s usually how we rule a planet as ‘colonized’…. is anyone else using it, or can we call it?”

“Er… we have claimed the warmer planets in the system, but we believe we could come to some arrangement.”

It was really nice, the humans thought, how carefully most of the aliens kept an eye out for downed ships after that, once they found out that humans tended to survive anything less than explosive decompression or… well, explosions generally. They’d immediately inform the nearest outpost of a wreck’s location, or even ship survivors back themselves. It was very thoughtful.

They didn’t find out until a long time later that the Gxanimi had put out the word to every species they were in contact with. It was vital that everyone knew the things they had learned about humans after that first encounter.

1. Humans can literally walk away from an impact that renders a space-worthy hull so much scrap and would have actually liquefied a Gxanimi.

2. Humans will eat just about anything not immediately fatal to them - including, in extremis, the corpses of their dead crewmates. In fact, most human vessels keep a list of those willing to be eaten and those whose socio-religious scruples forbid it. They have a ridiculously high tolerance for dangerous substances, and if they can breathe on a planet they can probably eat something on it too. They also have something they call the ‘Watney Protocol’, which requires them to carry live soil samples, seeds, and simple tools that will allow them to start farming their own native foodstuffs on any remotely habitable planet immediately in the event of an accident.

3. Once they’ve farmed a planet, they bond with it. They’ll be polite, but it’ll take significant effort to get rid of them even so.

Conclusion: If a human ship crashes on a planet you like and want to keep, get other humans to come and get them immediately. Remove them yourself if you have to. Even the worst crash can result in a thriving colony in a few vek.

And don’t, for the love of gravitational regularity, try to solve that problem by killing off the survivors. Just don’t. It won’t work and it just makes all the rest of them mad.

roachpatrol:

if any humans spill on your planet, make sure to scrape them up real fast and repackage them or you’ll never get them out.

burntcopper:

‘But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements.’

‘Yep. Pompeii is legendary. Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’

‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’

‘…well…’

‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’

‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’

‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’

‘Oh yeah. After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we build them better.’

intotheshadows123:

alien: people died of the cold and your solution was to send more people

human:

kaldicuct:

Alien - Ok, so tell me about war.

Human - Ok - lists everything from the 300 Spartans to possible WW3 -

Alien - So who are these people fighting in a square and a caged circle?

Human - Those are sports fighters.

Alien - You fight each other for fun?

Human - Yes.

Alien - WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THESE WARS!? THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT!

Human - Well there’s the geneva convention. - explains what it is -

Alien - YOU BANNED WEAPONS OF WAR BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO EFFECTIVE!?

Human - It’s like cheating.

Alien - AT WAR!?!? WHERE YOU ACTIVE GOAL IS TO KILL EACH OTHER!? YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT CHEATING!?

Human -…………………..

Alien - What?

Human - Nothing.

Alien - No, what? There’s something else isn’t there?

Human - Nukes are not technically banned under the convention.

divine-valley:

Human: All this celebration needs is some booze

Alien: some what now?

Human: Booze. Alcoholic drinks.

Alien: What is alcohol?

Human: Ethanol. C2H6O

Alien: wait, isn’t that the stuff your people use as disinfectant?

Human: yup.

Alien: and a fuel additive?

Human: yup.

Alien: Isn’t that a poison!?

Human: well yeah, but it’s watered down when we drink it.

Alien: !?

weirdotwins:

So what about the fact that humans can take so much abuse to the body and miraculously survive

Alien: So let me just review: You have records of people surviving fatal wounds commonly…

Human: Uh-huh.

Alien: And some of these stories include stab wounds to the brain…

Human: Oh, yeah, all the time.

Alien:….and then…surviving and even improving from crippling injuries or brain damage…

Human: Those are some of the truly strong ones, that.

Alien: Yes…indeed…………………………………………………

Human: What? What is it?

Alien: It’s just…..well………we had heard….rumors….

Human: Of?

Alien: It’s nothing. They’re false, they must be! Humans coming back from the dead–it’s funny really!

Human: o-o……………..

Alien: You must be joking.

Human: UM………WELL…….

Alien: TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING. PLEASE.

Human: *patting the alien sympathetically* I’m…sorry?

Alien: *slams head on table. Done*

---

rustfoxes:

More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.

In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”

---

radioactivepeasant:

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

adrenaline-revolver:

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”

“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”

“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”

“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.

radioactivepeasant:

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

talkingbirdguy:

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

beka-tiddalik:

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

skeletonmug:

“Commander, we have a problem with Human-Kim they’ve formed a bond again.”

“Lieutenant Riv, I expressly ordered that that Human-Kim is not allowed to interact with other creatures without supervision. Not after the Crown Prince incident.”

“That’s the problem Commander, it’s not a creature. We don’t let any creatures other than the “kitty” in to their quarters.”

“I don’t understand then Lieutenant. IS there some issue with the Kitty?”

“No no, not Kitty”.

“What then. Out with it!”

Lieutenant Riv sighs and stares fixedly at the floor, not daring to meet the Commander’s fore-eye

“Human-Kim appears to have bonded with … They’ve created an affectionate bond to the mobile waste unit.” the last words came out in a rush.

“What?! How is this possible! It’s a machine!”

“Sir, it seams we underestimated their talent for anthropomorphisation. Apparently the buttons are, and I’m quoting here Sir, cute.”

krabbydon:

“How was your visit to the human flagshi - sweet orbs, you’re wounded.”

“Yes, Ma'am. Only lightly, Ma'am.”

“Were you attacked? This is an outrage - ”

“Please, Ma'am, stand down. It was just a brief encounter with - ”

“A duel?”

“- if you’ll let me finish, Ma'am, with Admiral Stabby. Here’s a hologram.”

“… Hyperempathy is a menace to the galaxy.”

---

sepulchritude:

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

---

heedra:

Important alien/fantasy race design question: “what are their monkeys?”

As humans, we have evidence of offshoot of our close evolutionary relations running around all over the place-what would this look like for other species on different planets? They’re likely to have the same kind of thing happening in some form or another.

steeplewack:

Also important: If humans come in contact with this alien/fantasy species, does confusion arise over the “monkey equivalents” being more humanoid than the actual communicative species? Do human ambassadors cause huge disruption when they try to hold conversations with animals on the side of the road.

---

dendritic-trees:

for a Humans are Weird story.

So human babies REALLY need to be touched. Its totally critical for development. Small babies can literally die if you don’t cuddle them enough.

But imagine that the aliens are more like reptiles, in that they just sort of hatch and their parents feed them or stay around (and presumably, like, educate them, since they’re intelligent aliens), but don’t carry them around or cuddle in the same way.

So one of them gets stuck with a human baby that they’re responsible for and of course, they go ask a xenobiologist or someone ‘what do you do for a human baby, they’re all weird and squishy’.

And the scientist says: well, you have to stroke them. Like actually pick them up and stroke their skin.

Why, says the alien, what could that possibly accomplish. Does it make their skin tougher. Will they grow proper scales.

No, no, that’s just what human skin is like, you just… you have stroke them or they won’t grow right. They get a stroking-deficiency and can die.

elidyce:

Suddenly our obsession with petting everything makes sense to them.

“Why do they ask to pet our fur? Why do they touch every animal we find? Humans are so strange!”

“No, no, Pod Leader, we have discovered the reason for this. Humans require tactile contact for health. Their young will actually die without frequent touchings of skin, Even as adults, their health deteriorates if they are isolated from touch. Human Technical Adjunct Rupert is trying to nurture us and preserve our healthfulness with this touching they offer.”

“… they actually believe that touching our fur with their grubby paws is healthful?”

“For humans, Pod Leader, it is.A little unsanitary, we are understanding the reservations, but it is kindly meant. We think it is actually very nice of Human Technical Adjunct Rupert to be so concerned with our healthfulness.”

“We are still not sure we believe this. That sounds like a weak attempt at deceit to us.”

“Let us show you this vid of humans nurturing their young, it is very instructive.”

Some time later, Human Technical Adjunct Rupert is bewildered but pleased to find that fur-petting is now encouraged provided they have washed their paws. This seems reasonable to Human Technical Adjunct Rupert.

---

sepulchritude:

my fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”

“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”

agentquinn:

imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues

“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”

a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises.

“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.”

frowningfoxbones:

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

anexperimentallife:

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”

captainarwenpond221b:

“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”

rinneavicula:

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

himchankimchije:

One of the things I love the most about this post is how “Human-Steve” makes me think that there is also an alien called Steve in the squad, and I just imagine the first meeting and introduction where there is the human guy introducing himself as Steve and then there is this huge blue guy with like 5 legs and bug eyes and apparently Steve is like a completely regular name on his planet too in some intergalactical coincidence

that was off topic sorry.

---

just-a-kind-of-magic:

Imagine being a human in an alien crew in space and leaving with bright blue or pink hair and the color fades and everybody on board wonders WHY you are losing your colors??? Is it the lack of greens? Are you sad? Angry? They just don’t know??

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

“HUMAN BIOLOGY IS BAFFLING”

---

katy-l-wood:

You know, in all those “humans are the creepy/fucked up alien species” posts I can’t believe we haven’t touched on organ donation yet.

When they heard that the human general had fallen ill to a disease of the organ known as the liver the troops began to hope that it might turn the tide of the war. Research indicated that such diseases could be fatal after all. The organ did something similar to the flagulaxin in that it filtered out toxins so when it stopped functioning the human would slowly be poisoned to death by his own body. Or so they believed.

But then he came back.

A foot soldier was captured and answers demanded. Was it a medication? Had the sickeness been a ruse to fool them?

“Nah, man. This kid on a motorcycle wiped out on the I9 freeway so they gave the general his liver since they were a match.”

“They…what?”

“They gave him his liver. The kid was dead, and he was an organ donor. And he was a genetic match to the general.”

“They…cut the liver out of one of your young and placed it in an elder and it…worked?”

“I mean, he wasn’t that young. Mid twenties or something. But yeah, that’s essentially it.”

The interrogator and his assistant both regurgitated their most recent meal and ran from the room. Living in places like the “Australia” were one thing, but taking the organs of dead bodies and placing them in the living? What was WRONG with this species?

jewishdragon:

No wait make it better. A living person can donate a piece of their liver! It doesn’t have to be a dead person.

“You killed one of your own to replace the broken part of the higher ranking human?”

“No of course only a small piece of a one was needed to replace the general’s bad one”

“Who got the bad one?”

“No one! it was thrown away”

“Someone, gave a piece of their organ to someone else to use??? And they both lived???”

“Yeah”

official-data:

But what if the aliens were like salamanders who can naturally regenerate damaged body parts? And when they find out humans lack that ability they think “We have an advantage over them” then to their shock they discover that we’ve come up with work-arounds for that lack. Also prosthetic limbs. “Wait … You’re telling me that you can’t regrow your leg … So you just BUILD one?!”

stephendann:

Trying to describe a human to a species that had never met one was getting increasingly difficult. To start with, they seemed to exist in every possible state - solid, liquid, gas and crystaline. A core calcium infrastructure with a porous organic compound layered over it, through which fluid and gas travelled under the regulation of a range of organic pipework, pumps and processing plants, all coated in a renewable organic surface layer. That was weird enough.

Then came the discovery that the human was semi-modular. Component fluids could be swapped out and substituted - humanity had built some form of external versions of a range of the organic pumps and processors, and had manual, automatic and remotely operated variants of their core pump processor (the heart). Internal parts could be exchanged, or replaced with suitable originals. Something about needing genuine human compatible parts, known as donor organs, and the voluntary post-life nature of these donations seemed ineffective to many observer species, and postively horrifying to those who held the sanctity of the post-life body. Considering a fallen comrade as an accessible source of component parts was just beyond the pale, and to have an proactive harvesting regime was just unbelievable. What was wrong with these creatures that death should be rejected to such an extent that they would become hybrids of dead and living creatures? Did they think death would bypass them, thinking the component part they carried was already ticked off some post-life database, thus granting them an immunity card in the eternal island vote?

Weirdly though, these quasi-modular humans could not be assembled from component parts. Even the human histories, insofar as the human documentation systems were trustworthy, indicated that efforts to construct a modular human from parts, pieces and high voltage was deemed unwise, and mostly only suitable to be remembered in October in ritual costumes. That said, a human containing sufficient of their original parts could be restored from dead state with a sufficient electric discharge, leading many to suspect that the creatures existed in an energy state alongside their gas, liquid, solid, and crystal forms.

Then of course, was that very human approach to limb loss - construction of alternate limbs from non-human parts. Suffice to say, most sentient machine species are horrified by the process, and many machine worlds are refusing to acknowledge humans are real, and are starting to campaign against the continued discussion of these creatures as organic propaganda.

They may have a very valid point. These things make no sense from a design specification standpoint.

---

cooltrees:

me: all our teeth fall out as children and then they all grow back stronger

alien: okay, i mean…that definitely sounds fake, but….okay.

aelfswithe:

We have extra organs we don’t need anymore, and sometimes they explode, and we have to cut them out.

agentsex:

Our babies have heads that are bigger than the birth canal. Sometimes the baby gets stuck inside, so we cut the mother open so that they don’t both die.

samcoxramblings:

Some of us can bleed for five days and not die

matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll:

Some of us are born with both sets of genitals.

fleshwater:

Sometimes two to four of us are born at the same time and we look exactly alike

azzandra:

At some point, the aliens aren’t going to know anymore when we’re actually trolling them.

Us: Under certain circumstances, humans have been known to spontaneously develop the ability to breathe fire.

Alien: yeah, okay, that fits in with the other wacky bullshit you guys can do.

---

artaline:

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

dannydanuselessstuff:

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

cardozzza:

This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.

asgardreid:

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*

ritavonbees:

Human: shots! shots! shots!

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves

pikachu88898:

Human: *grabs a packet of ramen*

Alien: Based on my research of your species, you shouldn’t be able to consume that without suffering heavy detriment to your human body.

Human: …look man, I’m in college. I can barely afford this house with roommates. Let me appreciate this 50 cent block of sodium ridden noodles.

iwillnotshutup:

Alien 1: The human consumed this harmful “ramen” because it is affordable. I saw many others consuming unhealthy but affordable foodstuffs from a place called McDonalds. Based on this, I think we can reasonably assume that all foodstuffs that are unhealthy are also affordable, and that humans will slowly die off because of their economic system.

Alien 2: I visited a different land mass. There were several humans called “sushi chefs” preparing raw fish foodstuffs. The most expensive was made from the carcass of a poisonous blowfish. It was very popular among the wealthy humans.

Alien 3: The land I visited had no nearby places to engage in commerce to trade precooked food. I interviewed a family that trapped and killed animals for dinner. They ate venomous rattlesnakes.

Alien 1: *throws clipboard in the air and storms off*

a-cute-lil-octopus:

[Human casually munches peppers]

Alien: According to my scans, that organic matter contains highly corrosive chemicals. Are you sure you should be consuming it?

[Human chokes]

Alien: Human! Are you injured? Do you require assistance??

Human: Ahahaha no no I’m fine, it’s just *snicker* these are just jalapenos!

Alien: ……….request clarification?

Human: I usually go for habaneros, man. Hell, I have a buddy who took two bites of a ghost pepper on a dare.

[Alien consults space Google]

Human: ………Hey man, you okay?

---

roachpatrol:

my headcanon for startrek is that humans look, to vulcans, like a dog frathouse. like signing on to a human ship is exactly that thrillingly loud and frustrating and fast and stupid and fun. the humans are going to dash off to a new sector to see if there are friends there and then they will jump up and down with delight and stuff their faces up against their new friends’ genital array. the humans are going to bark for ten minutes at a rock. the humans want to chase things they can’t possibly catch just because they like running around. the humans are madly passionate about their arbitrary group identities. the humans can be divided into new arbitrary group identities which they will then be passionate about. the humans want to stick their heads out of the window of their starship and go ‘wheee!’. if you step on a human’s paw they will act like you just killed them for about thirty seconds and then want more headpats. the humans can be immediately distracted from crucial duties by the appearance of a small animal. if you howl all the humans in earshot will howl louder just to show off. a human just humped your leg. ‘don’t make it weird bro’ the human says. later the human will dig a weird bug out of the ground and eat it.

---

Humans are adorable.

teaboot:

Supporting evidence:

1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.

2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring

3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!

4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.

5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.

6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!

7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!

8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!

9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!

10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated

11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc

12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks

---

youphoric:

humans are so cute, when we say goodbye we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone we bring them flowers. we say hello by holding each other’s hand, and sometimes tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we’re all just little animals, falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars

---

audible-smiles:

the solar system is probably the most purely, simply fun exploratory experience humans will ever get to have, because there’s nobody there! there’s no colonialism and we don’t have to worry about aliens yet, so its just. fun!

we just land a robot on an empty planet and make it do wheelies and every few days we find like a cool rock and scientists yell about it on twitter

you-have-startled-the-witch:

it’s the tutorial levels

---

darkeyeddreamerr:

*blows kiss to space* for the 7 exoplanets orbiting Trappist-1

kivrinengle:

See, this is what old-timey science fiction never predicted - the human tendency to grow attached. They wrote stories of colonizing other worlds, of exploration and discovery. They didn’t write that four minutes after discovering new worlds, the humans had made up nicknames for them all, given them personalities, and were prepared to fight to the death for their honor.

Sometimes real life is better.

---

adamusprime:

if you didn’t know stuff about humans you would think they get mad at the weirdest stuff

like one human raises their thumb to another human

that’s good, humans like that

one human raises their middle finger to another human

humans do NOT LIKE THAT

humans think that is a BAD FINGER

don’t you DARE raise that specific finger at me

any other finger is ok just not that one

ursulavernon:

Anthropology will be the hard elective in alien school.

fieldbears:

“Is the middle finger weaponized? Does it spray a venom perhaps”

“No, student Xeepzorp, it is frail and harmless like the others”

“Fascinating”

illustratedjai:

Okay, but like, that’s what you get in first year Anthro. When you make it to upper level courses, suddenly they’re like

“So you know how we told you about the middle finger being bad and the thumb being good? Well, that’s only true for some humans - some humans find the thumb just as bad as the middle finger! And some humans only get mad when you gesture with the first two fingers.”

“But teacher, there are so many photos of humans gesturing with their first two fingers! Are all these humans intentionally being mean to other humans?”

“Oh, no, those humans are making the good first two fingers gesture.”

---

flamingfoxninja

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

---

hermionously

So you know those “aliens are confused by humans” posts on tumblr? I had the best idea ever

Humans find it endearing when baby animals try to nibble at their fingers or bite their hair, right? We find it absolutely adorable when kittens scratch at our hands trying to disembowel them or when chicks peck at our freckles trying to eat them.

So a group of aliens is preparing to welcome the first human crew-member aboard their ship, and they do a lot of preparatory research to make sure the humans feel comfortable. One of them finds out that humans find other creatures unsuccessfully trying to kill them and consume them endearing, somehow.

And so for the first week or so that the new human is onboard, they repeatedly stab it with blunt knives that can’t do any harm and shoot low-level phasers at them in an attempt to win the human’s love.

The human is very confused and worried until finally they explain it and then, predictably, the human does indeed find their attempts incredibly endearing, and keeps it a secret that that isn’t really the way it works.

Until the governor of Earth comes for a surprise visit and the human crew-member has to hurriedly notify them of the alien’s belief. The governor misunderstands and thinks it’s the aliens natural way of showing affection.

So it becomes common knowledge among humans that the aliens use unsuccessful murder attempts to show love, and the aliens believe humans enjoy unsuccessful murder attempts. It’s a rather odd system of showing affection, but it works. Even if it does drive up the minor-injury clinic visit rates significantly.

---

marlynnofmany

“Humans are weird” idea

It seems to always be the case that aliens have names that are “unpronounceable by the human tongue.” But, y’know, humans are actually really good mimics. We can do impressions of anything, and some of us are really good at it. What if that was a special skill of ours that was constantly surprising the aliens?

Alien talks about human like s/he’s not there, only to be shocked when its own language comes out of that strange little mouth.

Alien can’t figure out WHAT that noise onboard is, only to find human crewmate pranking it. (“As soon as he leaves, I’m gonna do the sound of a failing hover engine, okay? Just see where he looks first!”)

Alien hears a different noise and a thud, then “Sorry, I tripped.” (”But you squeaked.” “Yeah, didn’t mean to. Sounded kinda dumb.”)

Alien is alarmed to hear the sound of two Dangerous Animals coming from the containment room. Thinks the one has multiplied. Runs in, find human yowling back at it. (“It seemed lonely, so I was talking to it. Reminds me of a cat I had once.”)

The away team is threatened by a Large Animal protecting its young. Alien Captain knows what to do. Shoves the human up front and points. “Make the noises that the little ones are making. This is your time to shine.”

---

howlingguardian

Been seeing a lot of these Humans Are Space Orcs posts around- which is good, because I love them- and I started thinking: in sci-fi stories, humans in the future often have a bit of genetic engineering- like disease immunity or faster healing or even just a lack of body hair.

And I had a thought- what if that’s just us? What if we’re the only species to engineer ourselves like that? Imagine how freaked out they’d be;

“You’re telling me that you alter your own genetic code?”

Or take it a little further- we’re the only species to use vaccines. Every other race just toughed it out and evolved past it, but humans injected ourselves with weakened diseases to make ourselves stronger.

Or even further back, when people used to drink poison to gain an immunity- imagine that reaction:

“OH MY GROP THEY DRINK POISON TO GET STRONGER THAT’S IT FUCK THIS PLANET I’M OUTTA HERE”

---

thegrape-gatsby:

Another humans are weird space orcs idea because I really like thinking about it. What if aliens have no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can’t keep the fear out of their faces, but all the humans look cold and emotionless to them. Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans becase we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it’s all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn’t seem to be fazed one bit.

Someone please, feel free to add to this, I love to see what else people come up with!

@space-australians

beka-tiddalik:

Okay, but now I’m thinking about how this ability is used in the context of animal training/hostage negotiation/teaching/customer service. Not just looking stone-faced, but completely lying with affect, body-language and vocal tone to seem calm, friendly, relaxed and in control of the situation in order to build rapport with an animal or person and to de-escalate aggression in a situation.

Proximity alarms start going off. A vessel is approaching.

Camilian: <looks at viewscreen> “Oh zark it, it’s the Parg.”

Egrat: <Dashes over> “Oh erting fraknabs, we’re dead.”

Human Crewmember:“The who?”

Camilian: <shudders>: “The Parg. Remember the civilisations living on those five planets Lei-ward of Helios 6?”

Human: “No? I thought that system was empty of sentient life.”

Camilian: “Exactly.”

Human: “…ah.” <looks at flashing lights on console> “They appear to be hailing us.”

Human: “…thanks a bunch, guys.” <presses hail pick-up button> “This is Communications Officer Haley Makini of the Starboat Fribling, how may I help you?”

Parg ship: “This is Zek of Parg.”

Human: “Hello Zek! How are you feeling this day-cycle?”

Parg Ship: “…”

Human: “I for one have been missing my family lately, I got a vidcall from my little sister and my cousins - same-generation kin-people - and they told me that cousin Wendy is getting married to her girlfriend Mila, isn’t that nice? So I’m really hoping I can make it to the wedding - that’s romantic lifebond ceremony - because otherwise they’d all be sad, they told me so. Do you have any family - lifemates or brood or other kin-people back in your home-system Zek?”

Parg Ship: “…Zek of Parg has brood of five. All Smallings, but soon Biglings. Soon.”

Human: “Oh! You must be so proud of them!”

Parg Ship: “… Yah. Good future replacements for Parent-bodies for Glory of Parg.”

Human: “And that’s all any of us could want! Imagine how sad our kin would be if either of us were to fail to make it back home! That’s why I want to help your ship Zek, in any way we can. The Fribling is only a small ship, but we have some surplus goods and skills to offer if you need anything from us.”

Parg Ship: “Have Lucrum cable? Parg Ship underengine in poor condition, jury-rig not hold, need hitch-tow to Dellar System.”

Human: “Oh, that’s only 8 parsecs away. Sure, hah, we can manage that. No problem.”

<78 minutes later, after the two ships have been attached via Lucrum cable>

Parg Ship: “…What kind you?”

Human: “Huh? ….oh, I’m a human. I’m from Sol 3, Earth.”

Parg Ship: “… Parg remember this. Parg remember Haley Makini. Parg remember Human.”

Human: <blinks> “…thank you!”

Human: “HolyfuckhowdidIpullthatoffohholyfuck!”

Camilian: “Wait, you were scared too?”

Human: <glaring> “Cam, we’ve worked together how long? I’d have thought that by now you’d trust my threat assessment abilities. Phew! That one was so close I felt the breeze going past.”

Egrat: “…how. How did you just do that?”

Human: “It’s not hard. Stay calm, just keep smiling, and build rapport by pretending to care about their problems, and meanwhile showing that you’re a real thinking being. Tends to defuse situations rather than escalate them.”

Egrat: “…I think I saw what you did, but where did you learn how to do that?”

Human: “5 years customer service experience.”

---

iztarshi:

Inspired by various tumblr posts.

Humans quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance and the reputation is this: when going somewhere dangerous, take a human.

Humans are tough. Humans can last days without food. Humans heal so fast they pierce holes in themselves or inject ink for fun. Humans will walk for days on broken bones in order to make it to safety. Humans will literally cut off bits of themselves if trapped by a disaster.

You would be amazed what humans will do to survive. Or to ensure the survival of others they feel responsible for.

That’s the other thing. Humans pack-bond, and they spill their pack-bonding instincts everywhere. Sure it’s weird when they talk sympathetically to broken spaceships or try to pet every lifeform that scans as non-toxic. It’s even a little weird that just existing in the same place as them for long enough seems to make them care about you. But if you’re hurt, if you’re trapped, if you need someone to fetch help?

You really want a human.

flotsamandwhatnot:

That said- humans also quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance’s medical community.

If you want to survive, get a human.

If you want to keep that human in optimal functioning condition, get bribery or blackmail.

Many species, used to their own healing rates, do not know what to do when a human cuts their hand and then hardly sits still long enough to stop bleeding, let alone receive proper treatment. More serious issues?

If you would expect your typical patient to be bedridden for months, maybe even crippled, expect humans to be begging to be up and about within a few weeks. If you want them to keep down, then you’ll have more trouble.

Most interplanetary medical programs spend a disproportionately large period of time teaching how to deal with human super-healing. (Most students still panic the first time they come to a human patient and find them trying to leave instead of half-dead.)

jimcoffin:

Alien doctor leads a group of students into a recent patients hospital room. What they find is the patient struggling into their pants. They stop mid-struggle and stare at the doctor.

“I wasn’t…” And they fall over with a thud. “I’m ok!”

lianabrooks:

And they meet a human with a chronic illness and just kind of give up on Earthlings.

“You see, this one is dying. The body is breaking down at an extreme rate and you can see how the joints are already malfunctioning. But this human goes surfing every day because they say they like seeing sharks.”

A student raises its hand. “Shouldn’t the human be healing.”

The teacher nods both heads wisely. “We recommended this, but the human said the ocean was healing. We’re writing a grant proposal and hope to be able to do research on the healing properties of saltwater next year.”

brosequartz:

Humans also get a reputation for being pants-shittingly insane:

Humans want to go everywhere, you see that black hole? They’re trying to go in that to ‘explore’

Humans jump out of flying vehicles at heights that would most certainly kill them with only a piece of cloth strapped to them to save them, they do this for FUN

Conversely humans, a species that cannot survive without air, plunge themselves into the depths of their planet’s horrifying oceans until their bodies can’t take the pressure then they created vehicles to go further

Humanity didn’t wait to develop a sensible propulsion system to escape their planet’s atmosphere they strapped a metal tube to bombs and shot themselves out into the vacuum of space

If a human says something will ‘be fun’ assume that it’s probably life threatening

voodythevainglorious:

Humans quickly become known as the “house cat race” of the universe. They’re comparatively small against the other races, they’re fuzzy, and they’re bizarre as shit (see above), but they also are staunchly loyal companions, once you earn it.

Part of the pack bond instinct is that they also claim EVERYTHING as “theirs”, simply because they live somewhere or like something. The deep space freighter they’ve been on for the last month? Theirs. The yellow cup with a ding on the side that has been on the ship longer than they have? Also theirs. The standard issue blanket that looks like every other blanket in the universe? Theirs. Ship captain? Theirs. And they’re territorial little shits. They’ve been known to fight over somebody taking a pen by mistake because that is The Human’s Pen.

It’s this combination of strangeness and territorialness that makes them so valuable in a jam. Attackers on board a ship or broken through a colony wall? Humans will go balls out crazy to repel any invader because this is THEIR home and THEIR things and THEIR people and you don’t belong.

tosety:

Most confusing of all are the ‘introverts’.

This subtype of human looks identical to any other, but does not overtly show their bonding. Do. Not. Take this for a lack of bonding. They will be just as violent towards any threat that endangers you or your ship and it will seem all the more intense due to the complete and utter change in temperament.

No, this is not just them defending the ship; This One has heard a human claim shipmates that they have literally done nothing more than greet in the hallways as ‘friend’ and tear apart an invader that has assaulted said crewmate. This One does not exaggerate when it says ‘tear apart’ as the Grrthnk that raised the human’s ire was missing several limbs and the vital fluids of both were sprayed across the combat zone by the end of the fight.

manicnayt:

“Who’s the one beating the vxihgh with a stapler?”

“Mauren. Without her, we’d have never stopped the intruders on time.”

“I thought Mauren was the quieter one! Are you sure the same human that suggested our literary-recording-sharing clan is telling a vxihgh in xir prime to, ‘F*cking try it again, you oversized cabbage’? Some species can assume another’s appearance, you know.”

“I am sure. I’ve been here since the fight started. She was working at a table next to Targhd and the others when they were attacked. One of the intruders knocked Targhd out from behind. Xe was the first to go.”

“And the stapler?”

“It is a much more effective weapon than previously assumed.”

roachpatrol:

you know fantasy dragon soulbonding fic i want more of that where the humans are the dragons, like, we’re huge, we’re old, we’re scrappy as hell, and if you are small and cute enough we would be delighted to carry you around on our back

friendlytroll:

holy shit that’f b amazing.

also imagine an alien being like

‘I THINK A HUMAN IMPRINTED ON ME THEY KEEP HANGING AROUND ME’

dendritic-trees:

But imagine aliens that only form social bonds under very specific circumstances having to deal with humans though:

Like, they will bond with a group, and if they move they just bond with a new group while still talking to their old group. They will bond with other species. They encourage their children to practice bonding with inanimate objects. They can have more than one mate in their lifetime. Sometimes they have more than one mate simultaneously. Once they bond with you they’ll start trying to bring other humans they are bonded with to bond with you.

If you stand around them long enough they’ll probably just wander over and try to pat you, this is how they bond with other species. You may have accidentally bonded with a human without knowing it.

Seriously they will bond with anything.

borrowedphrases:

“I began studying your history. I came to the conclusion that of all the races we had encountered humans were the most dangerous. Because humans form communities, and from that diversity comes a strength no single race can withstand. That is your strength and it is that which makes you dangerous.“

-Delenn to Sheridan in Babylon 5 “Lines of Communication”

stephendann:

It’s more inexplicable than the human creature’s ability to bond with just about any sentient creatures of the galaxy was their gift to somehow for familial ties with equipment, infrastructure and inanimate items.

Even after enough peer reviewed, intra- and inter- and extraplanetary science teams had confirmed the presence of the phenomena, they were no closer to explaining how a human could bond with a space vessel. Worse yet, bonded human vessels routinely outperformed non-bonded vessels, even ones produced side by side in the same production facilities.

To add to the frustration, humans seemed to find it so unremarkable, that the very subdivision of humanity that should have been able to explain the occurrence were completely oblivious to its practice, with their named computers and their silent whispers of encouragement to their science machinery of “come on, hold together, you can do this” that, as yet, no other creature had replicated.

piplover:

When first meeting a human, many species are often confused by the contradictions inherent of the race. Fearful of the unknown, and divisive among themselves, when faced with an outside force they bond together. To go after one human is to go after them all. Conversely, to have a human mark you as an enemy is to ensure the wrath of the species. This is to be avoided at all cost.

Humans tend to find the most linear solution to a problem. It may take some adjustment to adapt to this behavior, and to beware of certain phrases. When a human begins a sentence, “What if we…” it is best to take the following suggestion with caution. Humans do not mind losing irreplaceable limbs if the solution is deemed appropriate. Also, the phrase, “Here, hold this,” is your notice to prevent the human from what they are about to do.

They may not be grateful for your diligence, but many species have found that after such a confrontation the human can be appeased by either mating or drinking large quantities of fermented beverages. After appeasement is achieved, offerings of food cooked in boiling oil and delivered still bubbling is also appropriate.

If your human becomes sick, or wilts from lack of contact with other humans, showing them pictures and films of fur covered species will cheer them up. This applies to any fur covered, including the ones that consider humans food sources.

Be warned, humans attempt to make friends of these creatures frequently. If one has attained a bond with said creature, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to remove the creature. This will make you an enemy of the human, and no treaty or armada will protect you.

Now you have your instructions, go forth and explore with your human. Allow them to be themselves, and your travels will be all the richer for it.

ladylemontea:

“…many species have found that after such a confrontation the human can be appeased with either mating or large quantities of fermented beverages…”

I now have this mental image of an aluin misinterpreting those instructions and thinking they have to be the one to mate with the human.

---

threedaysdisgrace:

can i mention how the kaiju have destroyed countless worlds but once they reached earth the humans were like nope. not today mother fuckers. big robots. lets go.

bunnybotbaby:

#they didnt account for a world that had the friggin audacity to look danger in the face#and build an appropriate robot

g-isabellae:

#CAN WE AD THIS TO THE MYTHOS OF HUMANS AS #SPACE ORCS #? #LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU WERE AN ANT EXTERMINATOR AND ONE DAY YOU GO TO SPRAY DOWN AN ANT HILL ONLY TO BE MET #BY A HUMAN-SIZED CONTRAPTION OF STICKS AND LEAVES PILOTED BY THESE TWO TEENY TINY ANTS #THAT THEN PROCEEDS TO KICK YOUR ASS TO KINGDOM COME #BEWARE OF HUMANS #THEY DO NOT DIE EASY #PACIFIC RIM

---

just-shower-thoughts:

What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought “Well, fuck this planet” and never came back?

roachpatrol:

what if when humans went out into the galaxy all the aliens panicked because if the dinosaurs’ tiny fur snacks now had spaceships and laser blasters and interstellar colonies then what the fuck were the dinosaurs up to???

rockpapertheodore:

#important human policy: do not let any aliens know the dinosaurs are extinct#EVER

sunslammerdown:

jurassic park movies as extremely important interstellar propaganda

bethosaurus:

This is probably the best post on Tumblr tbh it combines aliens, dinosaurs, space travel, evolution, and borderline absurd humor in one thing

morkaischosen:

This is probably the best post on Tumblr - it combines aliens, dinosaurs, space travel, borderline absurd humour and metacommentary on the content of Tumblr posts in one thing.

---

giraffepoliceforce:

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.

splintercellconviction:

Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).

By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.

You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.

The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.

“Hippopotamus.”

artiestroke:

This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned

skeletonmug:

Imagine being the next crew to go down to earth and thinking “it’s fine, we got this. We have the weapons and equipment necessary to deal with bears and *shudders* hippopotamuses. We’ll be fine.”

And at first you are, you’ve learned how to dodge. You’ve learned where their territories are. You know how to defend yourself.

But then one night you are sleeping in your shelter. You’re in a tree covered temperate part of earth. It seems benign. There are been no sightings of the dreaded “hippos” around. Not even any bears. But there is a slight rustle of the undergrowth. You try and ignore it telling yourself it is just the wind.

Then you hear the rustle again. closer this time.

You peer out into the darkness but see nothing amongst the trees.

The rustle again and now you realise you can smell something. It’s musky and slightly foul. It’s the smell of an omen, a warning. But what of? Where is this smell coming from.

You sit up, but it’s too late. The foul smelling creature is on you. You are hit with 17kg of coarse fur and vicious bites. Long dark claws tear in to you and you are pinned down white the striped creature tries to bite your throat.

It takes some doing but you manage to wrestle free. Blood drips from your wounds and already they itch with the sign of infection. The creature has a bloodied snout, rust rad, mingling with the black and white hairs. It lets out a terrifying growl from the back of its throat and looks to attack again. It’s between you and your knife, so your only choice is to back away.

Eventually the creature gives up and snuffles off in to the undergrowth, down a hole near your shelter you hadn’t noticed before.

When you make it back to your base you once again consult the captive human.

“Badger.” they say, with a solemn nod.

jabberwockypie:

One word: Moose

myurbandream:

“Our vehicles are far superior to the local human models, in range, speed, armament, and any other metric you care to name! Nothing could possibly-”

BAMrumblerumblethumpcrash!!!

“That’s called a moose.”

tygermama:

“We should be free of the threat of the ‘moose’ here on our new floating accommodation”

*humans start sniggering*

“… they can swim, can’t they”

*humans start laughing louder*

….

*mid-winter*

‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! K’T'SURKIK WENT OUTSIDE AND A MOUND OF SNOW ROSE UP AND ATE HIM’

ellidfics:

“What is this ‘wolverine’ you speak of?”

beautytruthandstrangeness:

Tell me the story of the unpleasantly surprised alien invaders and their captive human remnant, getting more smug the more the aliens fail at basic scouting…

I know we’re all talking the big smash-‘em-up type animals, but what about the little ones? Are aliens prepared for spiders? Mosquitoes? Fleas? Ticks? Even humans get sick or die from some of those, who knows what the fuck they’d do to an unprepared alien.

ladyshinga:

Nobody expects the mosquitoes

swaff-original:

Radio: “We seem to have located a colony-based life form. Primary scans seem to indicate that their dwelling consists mainly of wax and a calorically high substance suitable for our consumption. Since food reserves are minimal due the nature of this mission, we’ve elected to attempt harvest. Requesting that alpha base interrogate the captives as to the nature of this find.”

Aliens: “What are they?”

Human: “Sounds like… Bees. maybe?”

Aliens: “Bees?”

Radio: *slightly panicked* “Alpha base, please report…”

Aliens: “The captives seem to recognize the life form as… What was it, again?”

Human: “Bees! :-)”

Alien: *With somewhat resolved tone* “…Bees.”

Radio: *Nothing but screaming and the word: “BEES!!!”*

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS

morebadbookcovers:

Wolverines.

Also.. dolphins.

ohgodhesloose:

The invasion is going slowly. The humans have caught on and are actively destroying information on the planet’s flora and fauna before Intelligence can capture and process it. All that they have are survivors’ accounts. Bears. Hippos. Badgers. Moose. It is becoming obvious this mudball planet is a full-on Death World to the unprepared, and you are so very unprepared.

You lost Jaxurn to a plant. Not even a mobile or carnivorous plant, just one that caused a vicious allergic reaction on contact that killed him in less than a rai'kor. Commander Vura'ko died to an insect bite, a tiny local pest that sucked a tiny bit of her blood and apparently replaced it with a bit of its last meal, which was full of disease. Backwash. She died to bug backwash. And yet you honestly envy them after that… thing you encountered…

When you got back to base the quarantine officer refused to let you inside. They had to roll a containment tank outside to put you in, because you all knew there would be no chance of eliminating the smell if it got into the ship’s air ducts. Smell. You wonder if your nasal slit will ever recover from this stench.

And the smell would. Not. Leave. After incinerating your gear the Q.O. had you use every cleansing agent they could think of, including a few janitorial ones, and still everyone fled the stench if they were downwind of your tank. Desperate to protect everyone’s nasal slits from the smell the quarantine officer interrogated the humans. From them, a glimmer of hope: there was a cure. Somehow the juice of a certain fruit on this mudball was the only thing that could break up the chemicals in the little horror’s spray. Immediately the Q.O. sent a team to recover buckets of the stuff and made you bathe in it. That was hours ago and it didn’t seem to be working, though. All it was doing was turning your blue skin an interesting shade of purple.

Sighing in frustration you wave the med-assist on duty over, who only approaches after checking the wind direction. Annoyed, you flip on the tank`s vox speaker.

“The humans did say it was “grape” juice that removed “skunk” stench, right?“

majingojira:

Every night.

It came for someone almost every night.

Any soldier alone was a viable target for this native monster that moved unseen by any but the security viewers, usually only spotted in hindsight. They were taken as silently as this earth-monster moved. Sometimes they’d find the remains in the morning taken up a tree and hung there, mostly eaten, as if it were a grisly reminder that the monster was still there, waiting unseen, to strike again.

What little they saw of the monster on the vidfeed showed true horror. Yellow eyes that shone with all the light it could gather. It had fangs as long as his grasping digits. Claws half that size formed curved hooks that allowed it to climb up their fortifications with impunity. And in the underbrush, its spots made it almost impossible to see clearly in the undergrowth, if it could be seen at all.

Even the native sentients, the humans, had a healthy respect and fear for it.

The earth natives called the monster a leopard.

It was a constant fear that muddied the senses, and let the monster hunt even more effectively as the soldiers were always on edge. Sleep deprived with fear, it made them even better targets for the monster.

But rumor was that there was worse on this planet. Rumors of a monster like a leopard but larger, and bigger in every imaginable sense. Stripped instead of spotted, which leaped from the underbrush with a sound.

A sound that burst eardrums, paralyzed entire units, and let the monster kill with impunity. While the Leopard wrestled soldiers down and ripped their throats out. This other monster, the Tiger, killed with its pounce alone.

lyricwritesprose:

“We’ve been through this,” Group Leader 455 snapped. “The dissection of an Earth life form will help the scientists make weapons to combat the rest of this planet’s hellbeasts. And these are domesticated. Harmless.”

The troops were not-quite-looking at her in the way troops do when they don’t want to be seen to contradict a ranking officer, but can’t quite muster a correct Expression of Enthusiastic Assent. “The name of this species,” she pointed out, “is synonymous with dullness and slowness in the language of the Earth barbarians.” Well, one language out of several thousand—these creatures needed Imperial guidance more than any other world on record—but there was no point in confusing the rank and file.

More not-quite-looking. 455 bubbled a sigh and consulted her scanner. “That one,” she decided. “Alone in the separate pasture. Scans suggest that it’s a male, which means it’s probably weaker. Possibly it’s kept isolated so that the females don’t eat it before mating season. And yes, I know some of you are here on punishment detail, but you’re still soldiers of the Imperium. This squad is perfectly capable of handling a lone, helpless, pathetic male cow.”

petermorwood:

I’m enjoying this immensely. Wait until the aliens try Australia for size…

pokemonsunburn:

It was a strange creature Tar'van glimpsed at on the vast island known to the humans as ‘Australia’.

“I would warn you not to fuck with us, mate.” Their forced guide, a prisioner, had warned with a chilling grin upon capture. “If you think a moose is bad, wait until you tango with a red back.” To this day Tar'van fears the creature known as the red back, and what horrors it would bring.

The prisioner turned out to be of little help,the stubboness of his people causing them to refuse the danger that the captured human warned of. Tar'van recalls a moment when one of his squad members approached a creature know as a dingo, insistent they had seen these creatures before and they were tame. They barely escaped with 5 of the original 7 members of his squad.

Another moment Tar'van recalls was the brutal mauling they witnessed by the hands of a creature called an ‘Emu’

“Don’t feel too bad,” the prisioner mocked. “We lost a war to the Emu’s as well.”

Now with only 4 members of their squad left, including themself, Tar'van had learned to listen to the prisoner, to be wary of the simplest of creatures. This human was of the sub-species of ‘Zookeeper’ after all.

The ‘Zookeeper’ looks off to the distance, where the creature is.

“It’s a kangaroo, leave it be and you’ll be fine.” Tar'van nods, a human signal of acknowledgement if they are correct. The human smiles a bit.

“That creature cannot possibly harm us.” Tar'van’s squadleader protests. “It is so docile. I will aproach it and bring back it’s head to show this human is a fearmongering liar.”

The human reels back, a look of disgust crosses their face and anger passes through their eyes.

“Fucking do it mate, I dare ya.” The human hisses. The squad leader puffs up their hoinn gland, a sign of pride to their species, and aproached the so called ‘Kangaroo’.

“This will be unpleasant.” A squadmate mutters as they watch their leader raise their fist and bring it down on the creature. The ‘Kangaroo’ looks a little stunned by the impact, before it raises itself upon its strong tail and uses its powerful heind legs to launch their squadleader backwards through the air.

Their squadleader lands upon the ground, unmoving with black blooded oozeing from them. It appears Tar'van is the squads leader now.

“I don’t know what they expected.” the human says, smugness filling their tone. “Kangaroos are fucking shreaded. 8-pack and all.”

Tar'van steps forward to the human, whom inches back in a sign of fear as Tar'van pulls their blade from its holster, and in their first act as leader, frees the human of the bonds around their hands.

“Please,” Tar'van bags. “Get us back safely.”

miracufic:

@kryallaorchid, you guys really lost a war to emus? Why was it necessary?

kryallaorchid:

oh, mate, you never mess with the emus.

kawaguardian:

(Jesus christ. Dont get us started on kangaroos)

They had faced Emu’s. They had lost one in the battle but had experienced them. But this was no emu.

Looking to their guide, they all stare in horror as his face changes from calculating to fear. Pure, heart consuming horror as he stares at the large bird.

“Cassowary…”

They mimic him in fear. Squawking the horrific name as another joins the first in the mad run towards them.

The only ones to survive was the native guide and Tar'van. The guide was carrying the soldier over his shoulder as they made their way back to the settlement.

Tar'van was a wreck. Periodically alternating between rocking in complete silence and whispering broken words in horror.

When they consulted the native all he said was “Its spring…. Magpie season…”

paksenarrion-reader:

“Listen up, troops. This armour upgrade has been tested both in the laboratories of the best Imperial military scientists and in the field. We are impervious to the stings of any insect on this hellhole of a planet, striped or not! We can brave the perils of its wildlife, and conquer it at long last! Revenge for our fallen companions! Glory to the Emperor!”

“Excuse me,” the native Terran guide speaks up in a tired tone, and the squad’s cheers die on their lips. “This is Japan. You haven’t seen what–”

“Silence, worm! No sting can penetrate this plating!”

The guide tries to warn them once again, merely earning a blow that throws them to their knees. The troops set out, morale high, certain in their ability to brave the wildlife now and thirsting for vengeance against the non-sentient native species. One soldier thumps his fist against a tree. A hollow sound follows.

In an instant, the soldier is the centre of a storm of the striped insects. At first, no one pays it any mind. Their little stings cannot penetrate the new plating, after all.

But then the soldier falls to his knees, and the squad stares in horror as the insects enclose him in layer upon layer of their own bodies, all moving. The squad’s medic yells a warning at everyone to stay back, watching the readouts of the unfortunate soldier’s armour on their diagnostic screen with undisguised horror. The insects aren’t even stinging. They simply keep moving, one atop the other, and the soldier’s body temperature is slowly rising until he drops to the ground, quite literally cooked alive. The insect swarm takes off, unharmed save for the ones that were crushed when the trooper fell.

Finally asked about what happened, the human sighs. “Japanese honeybees. They do this to wasps, too.”

murkymuse:

“How?” You ask. “How has your species dominated this planet?”

The human bares its teeth. A smile, they call it. Something humans do when they are happy. Yet you can’t help but think of all the creatures with the their large fangs and sharp teeth. (What kind of species uses a threat signal as a sign of happiness?)

“Persistence and ingenuity.” The human answers, still smiling.

It doesn’t matter that this one is your prisoner. Humans, you decide, are as terrifying as their planet.

fallenwithstyle:

“And scattered about it … were the Martians–dead!–slain by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which their systems were unprepared; slain as the red weed was being slain; slain, after all man’s devices had failed, by the humblest things that God, in his wisdom, had put upon this earth.”

– HG Wells, The War of the Worlds,1898

catbountry:

I’m picturing aliens going up against a hoard of Canadian geese, or a swan.

I think at that point they’d just give up.

invaderdrey:

Or fire ants

eeyore9990:

No one even MENTIONED snakes yet…

breelandwalker:

This thing gets better EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE IT.

fir-trees-unite:

“Let us try the creatures that the humans keep for domestic companionship”

“Is that a miniature tiger?”

“Why does this human own a small pack of wolves?”

The aliens ask their human captive why small wolves live with them.

“Oh, you mean dogs? Yeah, they’re the only animals that can keep up with us.”

The aliens look at each other in fear. “What do you mean?”

“Oh well that’s why you guys ‘won’ is because humans aren’t super fast or strong. I think my middle school biology teacher called us pursuit predators? It means we evolved to hunt things by following them at walking pace until they had to stop to sleep and then catching up to them then. Dogs are the only animals that can keep up with us. Did you know one time a pack of wolves tailed a herd of caribou for three days straight?”

“Uh… okay, what about these small round things with big teeth?”

“Omg dude no if you give a hamster enought time that little fucker can chew through concrete :)”

The aliens wonder if the surrender of humanity was a trap.

grimm-fairy:

Somebody do sharks or sea creatures next. Giant squids would wreak havoc on their ships.

hedgiwithapen:

rebloging because Hamsters are the most demonic critter on the planet for real.

also, hummingbirds. Humming birds will attack /owls/

grimm-fairy:

The aliens have sophisticated technology which pretty much allows them to live underwater, which is something even the inventive humans have never managed. Submarines have nothing on alien submersion pods, which can withstand the crushing pressures of even the darkest depths of the oceans and seas.

The aliens aren’t expecting any difficulties with their underwater expeditions. Of course, that’s when four of the life signs on the central screen simply vanish, like they’d never been there.

Alpha turns on the direct communication lines to the remaining submersion pods, and the only thing they hear through the tinny speakers is screaming.

Alpha resists the urge to turn and stare at the shackled human standing behind them, but Beta, Gamma and Theta have no such compunctions.

The human shrugs. “I mean, we’ve never really been down there so we’re not entire sure, but we’ve heard stories of giant squids and stuff. No smoke without fire, and all that.”

“There can be neither smoke nor fire underwater, human, cease your prattling.”

The human snorts. “It’s a phrase. A metaphor? Man, I don’t know, I studied marine biology, not literature.”

The human is unable to tell them anything useful about what might have happened to the submersion pods, but retrieved footage later shows tentacled behemoths snaking out of the depths of disturbed silt and cold water, and crushing the submersion pods effortlessly, in full view of the outer-hull cameras. The monsters have giant beaks which rip through the organic alloy sheets, and into the bodies of the pod pilots within.

The outer-hull cameras register the blue of fresh spilled blood and gore, at the same time the on-board cameras register screaming and the red glow of critical power failure.

The last thing the aliens can see on the retrieved footage is thin, long, snakelike creatures appearing out of the darkness and gloom, creating their own light and descending upon the remains of their brethren. They are accompanied by creatures that look like plastic bags, but which feed upon the toxic remains of the organic alloy of which the pods were made.

The human appears completely nonchalant - there is no love lost between slave and master. “Wait till you see sharks.”

obsessionality:

I’ve seen this post go around a few times, but this time I have some thoughts:

1) This is more or less the plot of Animorphs.

2) Earth has Poison Dart Frogs, we’re clearly a Death World.

3) I’m now imagining them deciding to set up a base on the poles, because life on this planet is clearly dependant on plants. So, that frozen wasteland should be safe of any dangerous megafauna.

Cue Polar Bear out of nowhere.

endangereduglythings:

GIANT SQUID.

---

thatgirlonstage

If you aren’t sick to death of these, for “Earth is space Australia” please consider… the ocean.

Idk why but I’m super into the idea of humans going out and exploring the galaxy and becoming well-known interstellar travelers where Google Maps now has a Google Universe page and we’ve digitally recreated entire planets so that humans who can’t or don’t want to leave Earth can explore them in VR… but we still haven’t explored more than like a quarter of the ocean floor

And like some plucky alien marine biologist from a planet where the water never gets deeper than like 2000 meters is planning to study on Earth because holy shit have you seen how much WATER they have?? And her human friend asks what she wants to study and she replies “Oh, well, I’ve heard the deepest place in your ocean is over five times deeper than it is here, I’d love to find out if anything can still survive under such pressure and so far from sunlight.” And their human friend looks at them in sort of distressed admiration - “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” - and is just like,

“Oh, things can survive alright. Freakish things from the depths of hell.” And that’s how plucky little alien sits up all the night eye getting steadily wider while their human friend shows them pictures of things like the viperfish and the pelican eel and the blue ringed octopus and oh did I mention we’ve barely explored a fraction of the ocean so like we know there used to be this prehistoric shark that grew up to 20 feet long and was one of the biggest predators of all time but honestly “used to be” is an optimistic statement because that thing could still be lurking in the depths of the ocean and we just don’t know

Alternatively, hostile alien species arrives and claims our oceans because we aren’t using them, leaves screaming within a week

---

homeworldlapis:

to add to this “humans are weird” thing

did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place.

a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

---

just-shower-thoughts:

I want humanity to go to other planets so that WE can be the badass aliens in THEIR movies.

#super post #hunans are weird #aliens #space #humans #human-steve #they weren't counting on bears

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s3hsw-replies · 8 years ago

Text

I didn’t do replies in a few days lmao and you guys are awesome and comment my garbage ;-; but because it’s a lot of them I decided to do them this way, they’re from my activity page which is a bit wonky so if I missed any of your comments, I’m sorry, I didn’t do that on purpose and I’m not ignoring you. ;-;

use ctr+F to search for your username, please

@willky12 @my-simension @lavisims @soloriya @pottery-sims @treason-and-plot @rollo-rolls @davidmont @declarations-of-drama @acquiresimoleons @mimilkybaby @mimisapje @dreadpiratevinna @sims-ninja

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“this is how kirkor makes friends haha”

He's mental haha!

he just tried to be funny lmao, and I think he was because they became good friends. ;-;

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“then she wanted to kiss him but he was like f u now”

Yeah Kirkor, treat her mean and keep her keen ;D

tbh it may be the good method because she kept wanting to kiss him haha.

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“this is how kirkor makes friends haha”

Approved!

Lmfaooo in the end of the day he’s ego is as big as his penis so he must introduce himself loudly haha

my-simension skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

I love the second pic. Sooo pretty!

;-; thank you Mimi, I love Anne Arbor + Uranesian lighting combo. I think the trees makes the scenery so pretty.

pottery-sims skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

I was looking at this is and I couldn't figure out if it was sims 3 or real lmao it's so beautiful

Thank you! It’s a big compliment for me, because I barely edit my pictures now. It’s just resized, combined and sharpened.

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“then she wanted to kiss him but he was like f u now”

lol Crazy couple!

they are! that’s why I ship them so much even when they fight haha!

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“he wanted to flirt but she dumped him, as always. :(”

Aww comere Kirkor. :"(

I would invite him to my bed too *grin face*

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Kirkor’s new tank top ��”

lmbo xD

biy you can’t say it’s not accurate! I have new ideas for him ajsjlslls;k because I was thinking about them at night lololol

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“tfw you don’t know if they have fun or are gonna kill each other”

what Soloriya said xD

lmfao yaaaas, it was 10/10 xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“DUTCHESS YOU F SLOB”

aww haha

lmfao, why all my pets pee everywhere, my sims constantly mop their pee.

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“he wanted to flirt but she dumped him, as always. :(”

These two just need to move on :'(

true. ;-; I shipped them together tho. but few more posts and real drama comes in haha.

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“tfw you don’t know if they have fun or are gonna kill each other”

I say Kill!

haha, I would bet my money on that too, but in fact they were playing and I was like ??????? it that how enemies have fun together ??????

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“DUTCHESS YOU F SLOB”

My pets never do that :P

instead you have their barfs :P

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“omg, hag, there are many better places to have fun!”

Yeah, go play in the dumpster with Kirkor!

OMG HAHAHAHAHA KYLIEEEEE I LOVE FOR THIS COMMENT, IT’S BRILLIANT OMG I’M LAUGHIIIING ;-; ASKHSDKJHKDSLD IT’S 921082021/10 TBH.

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Kirkor’s new tank top ��”

That's never good with a mouth full of coffee!

girls in my game are gonna have mouths full of something else ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

lavisims

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“he wanted to flirt but she dumped him, as always. :(”

<//3 D:

I knoooow, it’s devastating ;-;

soloriya

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“tfw you don’t know if they have fun or are gonna kill each other”

Calla and Kirkor xD

10/10 it’s so accurate because Hag is Calla’s cat and Dutchess is Kirkor’s ;-; lmfao at least Calla and Kirkor don’t pee everywhere hahaha

willky12 skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

She needs a Manny ;-)

omg I had to check urban dictionary for manny haha xD she does need a huge d but she keeps rejecting one so that’s why she’s frustrated hahaha

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Kirkor met his sister on the beach. He gave her a lil gift, but she...”

She hasn't even opened it yet, ungrateful cow XD

lmfaoooo, she has big expectations and she was disapointed - the box was too small and she wanted something large xD

my-simension skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

Ah where's Kirkor?

probably diving in the dumpster xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Abelard was here as well!”

Who is he?

He’s Balladyna’s ex boyfriend :) he’s made by awesome andhisrabbits!

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“she doesn’t look like she’s enjoying swimming!”

Maybe she's smiling behind her sunglasses....nah...

she should be smiling tho because she started swimming free willingly and kept doing it for several sim hours haha. btw do you know any mod preventing sims from changing their body shapes when exercising? I found one preventing them from losing weight when swimming.

lavisims skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

Motherly love <3

lmfao she would throw her to that dumpster so Kirkor would have another excuse to dive in hahaha

rollo-rolls skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

ja mam zawsze taką minę przy dzieciach, jakichkolwiek

to samo tutaj. Im bardziej obserwuję matki z dzieciorami, tym bardziej mi się odechciewa mieć jakiekolwiek w przyszłości.

declarations-of-drama

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Kirkor met his sister on the beach. He gave her a lil gift, but she...”

Perhaps it wasn't a shore thing?

it was f mosquito repellent tbh xD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twój post

“@treason-and-plot I see you, girl. I’m hiding in those wet bushy...”

*strolls past whistling and twirling a cane*

soloriya

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

perfect xD

I should draw a penis in his mouth xDDD

soloriya

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

<333

I liked her face in that picture, she was adorable ^^

soloriya

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“no smoochy smoochy for kirkor :(”

poor Kirkor :(

lmao I love how y’all feel sorry for Kirkor xD

soloriya

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

lmao xDD

hahahaha, it happens every few sim days. I think raccoon wants to be my new friends but doesn’t know what to say so he’s like heeeyyyy I’m hereee

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Abelard was here as well!”

ooooh look at those bushes enjoying the sunshine

everyone wants to get that damn tan xD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“Kirkor met his sister on the beach. He gave her a lil gift, but she...”

who takes presents to the beach ffs?

lmfaooo if yougave me the gift on the beach I would take it xD of course if it wasn’t the mosquito repellent xDDD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“she doesn’t look like she’s enjoying swimming!”

I'm surprised she didn't sink like a stone

girl pls, her butt is like a f buoy

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

it's like he's saying WAZZZZZZUUUPPPPPPPP

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “no smoochy smoochy for kirkor :(”

that potted bush is trying to steal the limelight

it surely stole cat’s heart and claws tho

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “two little guys from Failures garden :)”

where the fuck is the bush??

idk, several years ago he was seen in the white house

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “calla: “hey, dude, calm your penis, no hoohah for you today” kirkor:...”

no bush for you, loser

hahahaha on point xD 10/10 he has only garbage in the dumpster

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

'You too can have luxuriant tresses like mine if you wash your hair three times a day in your own urine'.

I was expecting semen face masks

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “kirkor: “aw, you won, how wonderful!” balladyna: “could it be...”

you don't hear ppl calling each other dickhead enough these days

it’s a beautiful word, isn’t it? idk if it’s an insult ir a complement in the end haha.

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

wet bush ��

davidmont skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “Kirkor met his sister on the beach. He gave her a lil gift, but she...”

oooohh was it cheap?

haha yeees, my sims always give each other cheap trash and useless things ;-;

willky12 skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “she doesn’t look like she’s enjoying swimming!”

She doesn't look she enjoys much haha!

she didn’t xD she was like wth i am doing with my life

willky12 skomentował(a) Twój zestaw zdjęć “Calla met Esme in the pub. As you can see their chitchat wasn’t so...”

hahahaha! What a Dumbo! still laughing..

lmfao I had a huge face palm too

willky12 skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie “well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

Quiet Szop ;)

it’s suspicious when someone is too quiet, he’s planning how to rule the world :P

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmfao everyone was yelling xD”

Looks like they are BBQ'ing Goplana hahaha!

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“no smoochy smoochy for kirkor :(”

I love that dress on her, shame it doesn't improve her attitude any though :'(

she’s already done with this relationship :( for now she just wants to be free like a bird

declarations-of-drama

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“calla: “hey, dude, calm your penis, no hoohah for you today” kirkor:...”

HAHAHA!!!

lmfao now imagine that scene from Scary movie, when guy takes girl’s panties off and bats fly out xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twój zestaw zdjęć

“Calla met Esme in the pub. As you can see their chitchat wasn’t so...”

I thought Esme and Calla were best friends...

Apparently they WERE. Of course Calla had to do 192107891298 mean interactions >.>

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

Means he's speechless.

his little face doesn’t seem to be so happy tho hahaha

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmfao everyone was yelling xD”

lol

hahaha it’s a must be of every night xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“no smoochy smoochy for kirkor :(”

Oh man. :(

WE’RE REALLY CLOSE TO THE REAL DRAMA, BE PREPARED

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“two little guys from Failures garden :)”

Ka-ching, ka-ching!

Noooo ;-; I never sell those cute little guys, look at them, how adorable they are, could you sell them? *puss in boots face*

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“calla: “hey, dude, calm your penis, no hoohah for you today” kirkor:...”

lololololol xD omg dat face! xD

his face is not important because his peen is more sad xD

mimilkybaby

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

i tak odkryłam swojego duszo-zwierza

od dziś będę Cię nazywać szopem :D

mimilkybaby

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“well, apparently the raccoon had a lot to say”

#relatable

hahahaha dokładnie xD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmfao everyone was yelling xD”

Omg i thought that was cigarette smoke

naaah, they were just chillin. grillin.

acquiresimoleons

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“this thing is weird. i’d suspect calla for creating it, not you,...”

Penis monster

omfg you just remined me of weird japanese porn ;----;

acquiresimoleons

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“i had to wake her up, because fridge was empty and everybody was...”

I make that face when my man pulls me out of bed to cook too. So much rage.

yeees! I have this face everytime I enter the kitchen tbh haha

acquiresimoleons

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

Rofl derpy derp

acquiresimoleons

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“calla: “hey, dude, calm your penis, no hoohah for you today” kirkor:...”

The saddest face D:

the saddest face and the saddest peen :<

mimisapje

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“no smoochy smoochy for kirkor :(”

Their relationship look like a rollercoaster ride to me

because it is tbh, but for now it just gets worse and worse and worse.... :(

lavisims

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“calla: “hey, dude, calm your penis, no hoohah for you today” kirkor:...”

Aww <//3 that sad face :'(

ikr, she breaks his heart ;-;

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

I can't ��

lmfao this is how she looks at him when she wants him to buy her something xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twój post

“lmfao I really should take less pictures because the more stuff I...”

Your garbage is another simmer's treasure.

I LOVE YOU BOO. ;-;;;

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

Kirkor's thoughts - "If I could only please you". It kinda pulls at my heartstrings actually :'(

omg yaaas, your comment is on point ;-;

willky12

skomentował(a) Twój post

“lmfao I really should take less pictures because the more stuff I...”

I like your garbage ;)

y’all can dive in that dumpster like Kirkor xD

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“kirkor: “aw, you won, how wonderful!” balladyna: “could it be...”

I would let him win hee hee

balladyna is like lmfao no f way xD

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“more jks with sister. :)”

I think that shirt actually makes him look a lot bulkier though!

yes! it’s quite big mesh but I like it tho, it’s quite pretty!

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“can u not”

A little bit of hair never hurt anybody :P

it’s not just a bit of hair xD it’s MAX hair xD

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

Though I can't say that I want to see the icon of Kirkor eating the fly go yet, no way! XD

lmfao tbh I won’t change it because I got attached xd

willky12

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

He is fantasising about that black thing he got for Christmas ;-DDD

hahaha did you watch deadpool??? if yes do you remember that scene with international women’s day? xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“kirkor: “aw, you won, how wonderful!” balladyna: “could it be...”

Love Balladyna's facial expression.

yaaas! that’s why I love this picture so much because their facial expressions are so accurate xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“can u not”

max- hairy lmaoooooo

it sounds a bit scary xD

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“more jks with sister. :)”

they are so cute together, because he’s so tall and she’s small ;-;

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“look how unhappy goplana is! i bet she likes her dad better. ;)”

Me too Goplana, me too.��

everyone does like him better I think :P

my-simension

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

He looks like a inflatable boyfriend there. xD ;p

hahaha typical rugby player from highschool in beverly hills. xD

dreadpiratevinna

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“can u not”

i block ten porn blogs a day, I swear!

I don’t get them as much as you but I always block them too!

abstractwithturkey

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

^^ omfg

when everybody laughs in the comment section xD

dreadpiratevinna

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

tempting! Our most beautiful sims make not so beautiful faces sometimes. XD

that’s why I love gameplay, because they’re all hilarious and dramatic xD

sims-ninja

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“ok guys, contest for the best caption for this picture xD”

"is that a knife poking me or-oh, it really is knife"

hahahaha it could be a knife xD that’s why he never lets her fully rage xD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

has he just swallowed a bush?

Calla’s all shaved so nope xD

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“more jks with sister. :)”

The fun never stops!

it stops when knife job starts

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“look how unhappy goplana is! i bet she likes her dad better. ;)”

her Dad does't breathe second-hand smoke all over her

he just tries to grill her on the changing table

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“goodbye westerberg! it was nice to live here!”

*good bush shot* *dirty snickering*

max-hairy started following you

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

interesting bush placement. B+

all bushes deserve at least B

treason-and-plot skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

that bushiness of those bushes is superior to previous bushiness. A+ bush.

supreme-bushy-clit likes your post

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“are you kidding me?!”

this reminds me of my mother telling me how she smoked during labour, lulz

did she at least give you one when you were already born???

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“i had to wake her up, because fridge was empty and everybody was...”

I thought that was her happy face 0_o

treason-and-plot

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“this thing is weird. i’d suspect calla for creating it, not you,...”

I totally ship that with one of Naomi's penis sculptures

japanese weird porn, I told y’all

sims-ninja

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

for a second there I thought he had a mullet

sorry but wtf is a mullet? xD

lavisims

skomentował(a) Twoje zdjęcie

“lmao i have the urge to make this my new icon xD”

...such a beautiful and poetic picture! You should use i

one day I will haha. :D

#willky12 #my-simension #pottery-sims #lavisims #soloriya #rollo-rolls #declarations-of-drama #treason-and-plot #davidmont #mimilkybaby #acquiresimoleons #mimisapje #dreadpiratevinna #abstractwithturkey #sims-ninja

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