#sorry I'm not normal about destiel and touches

[youchangedmedestiel]

Cas wasn't touch starved before, but he was once he knew how it felt to be touched by humans Dean.

[greenbergsays]

You did ittt!!! OMG I was absolutely convinced that I should not get into a new OTP after that emotional train wreck Destiel but here I am, obSeSseD with Good Omens after I all that talking of yours (had to try) My friend said my eyes looked like shiny orbs of joy when we were watching this scene with Crowley pushing Aziraphale up the wall. Frickin hell, I'm trash now. Just trash. FUUUC how do we manage these feels? I need it to be canon, just this once! It will be, right? Do you know anything?

Take my hand, my friend, let me take you on a journey.

To understand the true significance of what we’ve been given, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise. Just after the beginning.

An angel and a demon stand side-by-side, watching as the first humans make their way across an unforgiving landscape.

Angels and demons are, as one angel will later explain to his demonic counterpart, “hereditary enemies.” They’re supposed to hate each other. They’re supposed to distrust each other. 

They are not, however, supposed to stand amiably beside each other on a wall as these two currently are. The demon, in particular, is not supposed to casually begin a conversation with an angel.

It would not be remiss to say that the connection between this particular angel and this particular demon is instantaneous. There is information shared in this first conversation that one would not normally share with an enemy.

“I gave it away,” says Aziraphale, and Crowley smiles.

It’s information that could very easily be used against the angel, but it never occurs to the demon to do so. Instead, when his companion voices worry over doing the wrong thing, Crowley comforts him and then answers that worry with one of his own: what if he’d done the right thing?

Crowley began this conversation and he is the one that keeps it afloat. A connection is forming between them, because Crowley–perhaps unknowingly, perhaps not–reaches out for it again and again.

Over the years, that connection only grows.

In 3004 B.C., Crowley once again approaches Aziraphale. He begins their conversation by gently teasing about the sword. He’s saying, “I remember you. I remember what we talked about. It’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten.”

Something that is, we will eventually understand, important to Aziraphale. He’s dismissed by his own faction, but he is not dismissed by Crowley.

In 33 A.D., Crowley says, “Oh, no, I’ve changed [my name].” 

It’s important to note this moment. 2,000 years in the future, a demon will ask, “What’s he calling himself up here these days?”

2,000 years and his name isn’t widely known among his own faction. But in 33 A.D., he makes sure that Aziraphale knows it. It wasn’t important to him that all of Hell knew what to call him; it was only important that Aziraphale knew.

In 41 A.D., Aziraphale approaches Crowley. This is important. He hasn’t before, but now they are familiar enough that he feels comfortable doing so. And more than that, he wants to share something that he likes with Crowley. Through one little “temptation,” he tries to build a deeper connection. 

And, too, both here and in 537 A.D., we find that Aziraphale can recognize Crowley by voice alone, even through a suit of armor.

By 1601, they have an arrangement. By 1601, they have a rapport. By 1601, they can overhear Shakespeare say, “it would take a miracle,” and Aziraphale turns immediately to Crowley. His expression is beseeching, pleading, and Crowley answers that with an exasperated, “Oh, alright. My treat.”

By 1601, Aziraphale protests activating the arrangement again, because, “If Hell finds out, they won’t just be angry. They’ll destroy you.” 

By 1601, Crowley has taken to circling behind Aziraphale as they talk; something that, up until this point in their history, we haven’t seen him do. It’s a protective tick. 

He is, quite literally, watching Aziraphale’s back. He is monitoring, so that he knows the very second that things go south for them, and he is monitoring in such a way that Aziraphale won’t be harmed first, without Crowley having a chance to stop it.

By 1601, they are more than just colleagues. 

In 1793, Crowley calls Aziraphale “angel” for the first time. He could mean it as a title. He could mean it as an insult. It is neither of those things.

In 1862, they have their first real, true fight. It’s because Crowley wants a weapon that will kill him–not discorporate, but kill–and Aziraphale won’t do it.  His feelings have only grown and deepened. He can’t do anything, can’t provide anything, that will potentially bring harm to Crowley.

In 1862, Crowley hisses, “Fraternize?” because such a word has implications. It implies they are still enemies. It implies they are merely friends.

It’s impossible to know which one he is protesting. It couldn’t possibly be both. (It is both.)

In 1941, an angel trusts far too easily and gets himself into trouble. A demon walks on consecrated ground–something that blatantly hurts him–to save that angel.

In 1941, a bomb falls on a church and that same demon saves a small briefcase of books.  

So much of what they’ve experienced together could be explained away. But to save his books is an act of selflessness that has no other meaning. Crowley knew that Aziraphale would be upset. Crowley knew him well enough to know that he would’ve forgotten the books in the mayhem. He made sure they survived.

In 1941, the music swells, and we slowly pan in to see realization dawning on the angel’s face. He is in love.

In 1967, Crowley plans a heist. We know what he wants from the church. Aziraphale swallows his pride and goes back on his own word–”No,” he said, in 1862, “absolutely not.”–to deliver that very thing. It’s safer this way.

None of the humans will understand how terribly vital it is that Crowley not touch the holy water. They won’t understand what it would do to him, should they accidentally spill it on him. But Aziraphale knows, and he brings the holy water to Crowley already in a closed container, because he needs Crowley to be safe.

“After everything you said,” Crowley says, because he understands how significant this moment is.

But 1967 is more than just an angel backing down so that no harm will come to his demon.

1967 is the year, the moment, that Aziraphale says, “Perhaps one day we could..oh, I don’t know. Go for a picnic. Dine at the Ritz.”

1967 is the year that Aziraphale openly suggests a date. 

“I’ll give you a lift,” Crowley says in response. “Anywhere you want to go.”

Stay with me, is what he doesn’t say. We could have that date tonight.

And 1967 is the year that Aziraphale says, “You go too fast for me, Crowley.”

I can’t, he doesn’t say back. It’s too much, too quickly. I have to get used to this still. But if you wait for me…if you wait for me, then yes.

In 2008, the year that the Antichrist is born, they dine at the Ritz. It is clearly not the first time.

Aziraphale, who won’t entertain a conversation about stopping the end of the world, says, “This is purely social.”

He does not remember whose fault the Reign of Terror was, but he remembers that when they ate together, they had crepes.

In 2008, Crowley–a demon that we never see without his sunglasses, unless he is alone and safe in his home–sits on the couch in Aziraphale’s bookshop, and removes those sunglasses, the barrier between himself and the world. The world, but not Aziraphale.

In 2019, Aziraphale says, “I could entertain,” and Crowley instantly knows what he means. He groans the groan of someone who has had to sit through that “entertainment” too many times. He suffers through it again, because Aziraphale always gets his way.

In 2019, their bickering has become a familiar dance to them both.

In 2019, Crowley dismissively says, “No, I know what you smell like,” with an annoyance that implies that should be obvious.

In 2019, a blue paintball ruins a white coat that had been kept in tip-top condition for 180 years. Despite the fact that its wearer is, in fact, an angel and can miracle it away, this is not what happens.

Instead, the angel pouts at his demonic companion, his eyes wide and beseeching as he explains why it wouldn’t be the same as it would be if Crowley were the one to do it.

Crowley pouts back at him in sympathy, and then indulges Aziraphale, like always. Aziraphale’s answering smile is brighter than the sun.

Inside the ex-convent, Crowley pushes Aziraphale against a wall, ostensibly to intimidate him, but Aziraphale is not intimidated. He is not afraid. He is distracted by where the tips of their noses touch, because they are so close.

When they’re interrupted, it’s by a woman that says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, sorry to break up an intimate moment.”

They do not jump apart. They do not correct her.

When Crowley realizes he knows the woman and stops her from escaping, Aziraphale says nothing about Crowley’s previous annoyance or what he was trying to convey with his little display. Instead, he fusses about Crowley controlling a scared woman into stillness as he casually straightens his wrinkled clothing.

Crowley fusses back, and then they approach the woman together, as a singular unit.

In 2019, Crowley says, “Run away with me.” In 2019, Aziraphale says, “It’s over.”

Afterward, Crowley will go home and search for a place to go. He’ll decide on Alpha Centauri, but he won’t go there. He’ll dally. He’ll procrastinate. He’ll sit in a movie theater and brood, where he’s found by demons. Where he’s told that they finally know he’s messed up.

Will he go to Alpha Centauri then? No. 

He’ll go back to Aziraphale. He’ll beg Aziraphale to go with him. He’ll apologize for an argument that wasn’t even his fault.

Aziraphale, visibly torn, will still refuse him.

Will Crowley leave for Alpha Centauri then? No.

He’ll go back to his apartment and he’ll plan. He’ll kill a demon and he’ll trap another and then, he’ll go back to Aziraphale again. He’s been rejected twice, but he’ll try again, because to Crowley, there’s no point in fleeing to survive if Aziraphale isn’t with him.

In 2019, Aziraphale will be cornered by three angels who do succeed in intimidating him, the way Crowley did not.

One of them will say, “Don’t think your boyfriend in the dark glasses will get you special treatment in Hell.”

Aziraphale knows better than any of them what that word means–boyfriend–having lived on Earth this whole time, but he does not correct them.

He should. He’s clearly in trouble with his faction. If he wanted to save face with them, he would deny that that’s what his relationship with Crowley is. He’d deny having a relationship at all.

He does not.

In 2019, Crowley will find the bookshop burning and Aziraphale gone and he’ll mourn. He’ll scream into the fire and he’ll pick up one of the few unburnt books left and he’ll carry it with him, despite the fact that he’s professed that he doesn’t read.

He will, when he’s reunited with Aziraphale, call it, “a souvenir.”

As he steps out of the bookshop, the music says, “Find me somebody to love.”

It isn’t a coincidence.

Nor is it a coincidence that the next time we see him, he’ll be in a bar. He won’t care about the apocalypse anymore. He won’t care until he sees the spirit of an angel in the seat across from him. Until he learns that Aziraphale is still alive and here.

Because there’s no reason to save the world if he can’t be in it with Aziraphale.

At the end of the world, Aziraphale says, “Do something or I’ll never speak to you again.”

The very thought of it hurts Crowley. He can’t abide it, cannot sit there and do nothing and allow it to come to pass. He stops time, so that it cannot come to pass.

After the end of the world, they sit on a park bench together. Crowley says, “Your bookshop isn’t there anymore, remember? It burned down.” And he says it with more gentle compassion than a demon should be capable of. 

Because the bookshop was important to Aziraphale and only Crowley can know just how important; his reminder is said in the tones of someone who is grieving with their loved one, for their loved one and what they have lost.

They change faces, but even with Aziraphale’s face, Crowley cannot stop himself from circling his angel. It’s instinctual now, the need to protect.

They act like each other and in many ways, they’ve gotten it right, but in many ways, they’ve gotten it wrong, too.

In Aziraphale’s eyes, Crowley is suave and cool and a little bit dangerous. He’s untouchable, unmatched.

In Crowley’s eyes, Aziraphale is calm and cool and collected. Aziraphale is strong and steady and brave.

After Heaven and Hell have been dealt with, they sit on a park bench together. They laugh. They discuss, in a more serious tone, what the future might bring. It’s left unsaid that they will face it together; that’s obvious at this point.

When they leave, they don’t part ways. They dine at the Ritz.

And in 2019, at a table for two that miraculously came available at the Ritz, Aziraphale says, “You’re a good person,” and for the first time, Crowley accepts it with a little smile.

“And you,” he says, “are [enough of a bastard to be] worth knowing.”

Aziraphale blushes, his smile self-conscious, but he is ultimately pleased.

“To the world,” Crowley says, and he means, to us.

“To the world,” Aziraphale echoes, and those three words are said with so much affection, so much love, that you don’t need to be told that he means something else entirely–that he’s saying something else entirely–to know it.

“I need them to be canon,” you say. “Just this once.”

They already are. 

You’ve just been shown their love instead of told it.

[sortasirius]

For the kissing prompt: on a hunt and, bc I'm a hoe for it, confessing feelings pls (destiel obvi but if you could weave some saileen in there too that would be *chefs kiss*)

*distant screaming* DESTIEL AND SAILEEN

Thank you SO much!!!!!  Hope you like it!  This one also gets slightly ~steamy~ sorry not sorry

Words: 1344 (lmao when will I calm down?)

“You should not be this excited about this,” Sam has his feet up on the center console of the Impala, staring at Dean with a mixture of humor and distaste, “Lives are at stake.”

“Lives are always at stake, Sam.  But how long has it been since we went on an actual ghost hunt? No weirdness, no cosmic shit, just a regular old ghost.”

“We don’t know that it’s a regular old ghost,” Sam argues, leaning forward, to look at the laptop that Eileen is furiously typing on in the passenger seat.

“Yeah but it’s probably a ghost,” Dean pushes, shifting around, “And where’s Cas?”

“He’s probably still getting dinner, you’re such a mother hen,” Sam presses a kiss to the top of Eileen’s head and she smiles, looking over at Dean in a way that was a little too knowing for Dean’s taste.

Cas appears right at that moment, rapping loudly on the driver’s side window, bags of food in hand.  Dean’s pulse definitely doesn’t quicken when he sees him, that would be stupid and completely unlike him.  Eileen seems to sense the energy change at Cas’ arrival regardless, because she settles in the backseat with Sam as they eat, typing away on her laptop, her head resting on Sam’s shoulder, Sam looking very much in love with her.

Dean keeps accidentally catching Cas’ eye as Sam and Eileen whisper about lore and research and occasionally breaking into fits of giggles.  Dean feels sick to his stomach when he and Cas lock eyes, another couple so obviously in love only about a foot away from them.  He needs to get a grip on himself.  He tries to focus on the bacon cheeseburger Cas brought him.  It doesn’t work.

Eileen and Sam finally work out the rough position of the ghost or whatever it is that they’re supposed to be hunting.  Dean insists that all they need are the usual salt rounds, gas, and rock salt to burn the bones, but Sam, Eileen, and Cas insist on taking some other essentials, “just in case.”  Dean reluctantly takes the silver knife Dean hands him, he should know a ghost when he hears about one, and this house had had enough murders in it to warrant ten angry spirits.

“It’s a ghost,” Dean says loudly as they sneak into the abandoned house on the outskirts of the town in Ohio they were hunting in.  It really was a spooky house, all shuttered and old, the paint peeling and the roof half caved in.  Why the fuck would people be out here in the first place?

“I’m not sure it’s a ghost, Dean,” Eileen whispers, turning the knob of the door cautiously.

They sneak through the house, down to the basement, and Dean is just pulling out his shovel when Sam’s grabbed from behind and thrown into the wall, knocking the breath out of him.  They’re faced with the girl that they had cleared of the two deaths in the house earlier that week.  And she clearly wasn’t a ghost.  Judging by the teeth, she was a Vetala.  Nothing was ever easy was it?  Dean just wanted a simple ghost hunt, why was that so much to ask?

Sam catches the silver knife Eileen flings at him, and stabs and twists once, the Vetala crumples with a scream.  They rush over to him, Eileen a little frantic.

“Fine, I’m fine, just lost my breath,” Sam wheezes, but before any of them can say another word, Dean feels himself get thrown backwards. Fuck.  They hunt in pairs.  The dead one’s counterpart picks Dean up by the throat, twisting his fingers back as he tries to reach for his own knife.  They slam into the opposite wall, and the last thing Dean sees are Cas and Eileen making a beeline for him, terror on both of their faces.

“Dean?  Dean!”

Dean’s head feels like shit.  He opens his eyes by degrees, half convinced that he was going to be tied to a chair and paralyzed by that snake freak’s venom.  Instead, he meets a pair of beautiful blue eyes that make him feel lightheaded under normal circumstances.

“Hey Cas,” he whispers, and he sees Cas’ shoulders sink down with relief.

“You’re an idiot,” Dean becomes aware that Cas is basically holding him, and Dean has unknowingly reached up to grip his shoulder.

“Ah well, takes one to know one,” Dean smiles at Cas, the fog in his head clearing enough for his heart to start racing at the prolonged contact with Cas’ skin.

“You okay Dean?” Sam clears his throat loudly, standing over him and Cas with a worried Eileen next to him.

“Yeah, just a little sore.  I’m gonna feel like shit in the morning,” Dean keeps staring at Cas, and Cas keeps staring at Dean.  Sam looks like he wants to melt into the floor.

“Well, it wasn’t a ghost,” Sam looks at Eileen awkwardly, clearly trying to make conversation, but Eileen reads the room once again, and she simply takes his hand and leads him out of the pretty much destroyed room, leaving Cas and Dean half holding each other, both of them breathing hard and somehow unable to release one another.

“So uh,” Dean’s fingers are going slightly numb from gripping Cas’ shoulder so tightly, “That wasn’t a ghost hunt.”

Cas huffs a laugh, leaning forward and pressing his forehead into Dean’s.  It’s an unexpected gesture, so intimate that Dean feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest.

“Don’t do that again, Dean,” Cas whispers, holding Dean a little tighter, “I can’t…I just can’t…”

Dean feels his heart twitch in a way that he’s around ninety percent certain he’s having a heart attack.

“What, Cas?”

“I can’t…I can’t envision life without you.  And I, it’s you Dean, it’s always been you, and I, I-.”

Cas tries to pull away, to make space between them, but Dean takes his face, makes their eyes meet, blue meeting green.  He leans forward, in Cas’ space without even thinking about it, letting the walls he had built for the last ten years melt away. Cas lips are chapped and warm and just the right amount of soft, his hair his just long enough for Dean to thread his fingers through, and he doesn’t care that his ribs are sore or that he might have a broken finger or a mild concussion.  All that matters is Cas twisting his way closer, so they’re tangled together awkwardly on the filthy floor of the dilapidated house.

Dean had always imagined that Cas would be gentle, passive even, but he should’ve known better than that.  It takes only a couple of seconds before Cas’ tongue is in his mouth, and Dean swears that he’s going to pass out again when Cas makes this fucking noise, it’s like a gasp and a sigh and Dean finds himself clutching Cas’ shoulders again, which are strong and broad and like an anchor in a heaving, roiling ocean.

Eventually they hear the horn of the Impala outside and break apart, both with pink lips and breathing like they’d been training for sprints in the Olympics.

Dean runs his hands through Cas’ thoroughly messed-up hair, smiling in a way that hints at playful.

“So uh.  Me too.”

Cas rolls his eyes, but gives Dean a soft smile and reaches out to touch Dean’s lips lightly.  Dean leans forward unconsciously, his body wanting more and more and more of whatever that was.

“Sam is getting impatient, can you walk?”

“You gonna carry me bridal style if I say no, Cas?”

There’s a glint in Cas’ eye as he helps Dean up.  He knows he’s going to be sore as hell in the morning, but right now he feels all light and bubbly, like he’s full of carbonated water.

“I can definitely do that, whatever gets us home faster.”

Dean feels like his stomach jumps into his throat at those words.

“Do you have honorable intentions?”

Cas presses a kiss to his jawline, grinning.

“Absolutely not.”

Link to OG post

Prompt me up!

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XXXIV

It was a love story from the very beginning

I can see your pain...

(8x08/8x10/8x13)

Hello my friends!! This is another meta from my meta series. Today I'm gonna talk about how Dean starts to see in Cas something is odd, he sees him sad, and depressed, and he begins to be worried about him.

I want to say thank you to my wonderful friend here, @agusvedder , she made the gifs for this meta and discussed the episodes with me.

Castiel's sadness

Knowing Cas from season 7 was depressed, and then that he wanted to stay in Purgatory, gave us a sad idea about how Castiel was feeling.

We are going to talk first about episode 8x08 Hunter Heroici, Dabb's episode.

Cas starts to share more time with their human friends. But he is still kind of clueless about humans, and everything. He's literal with words and human's expression, and that had been the fluel for a lot of jokes in the show.

When Dean and Cas were talking in that gas station, Dean was questioning what Castiel would do now, because it seems he was kind of glued to them. He thought maybe now that they're back on the road, Cas would do the things he used to do, angel's stuffs. But no, he's still there with them. So he had to ask him...

So is evident, Cas don't want to talk about angels, or Heaven, or coming back to Heaven, he's afraid, and ashamed, and it mortifies him. He needs to avoid anything that hot to do with his past, so he decided to stay with his humans friends. And imitate them. Because he sees in Dean and Sam two good humans that help people.

DEAN: So what now? Move to Vermont, open up a charming B&B?

CASTIEL No. I still want – I still need to help people. So... [smiles] I'm gonna become a hunter.

Is so important the switch in the words here... He changed the WANT for the NEED. He needs to hel people. Because he needs to do it, to feel better with himself. To get better from his sadness.

Castiel tries too hard to be a good hunter, but his lack of "humanity" makes it difficult. That's why he fails in everything he tries to do

And there's a little foreshadow hidden in this piece of dialogue... Trying to decipher the case of the man who's heart jumped out of his chest.

SAM: So he stashes his car at the park across the street, meets Olivia there.

DEAN: His wife probably found out about it, and it broke her heart.

SAM: So she breaks his. Sounds witchy.

DEAN: Yes, it does. Guy was living a lie, and it came back to bite him in the ticker. But nice job on the bladder infection.

He broke her heart so she broke his.

If this isn't a a foreshadow for the incoming crypt scene and for the season 9 scene in which Dean kicked off Cas from the bunker, I don't know what it is...

He was living a lie, that's for sure foreshadowing the crypt scene, when Dean will realize what was happening with Castiel.

Let's jump to the big Destiel dialogue now...

CASTIEL Your father... Beautiful handwriting.

DEAN How you feeling, Cas?

CASTIEL I'm fine.

DEAN Well, I just – I – I know that when... I got puked out of Purgatory, it took me a few weeks to... find my sea legs.

CASTIEL I'm fine.

DEAN Don't get me wrong. I'm – I’m happy you're back. I'm – I’m freaking thrilled. It's just this whole mysterious-resurrection thing – it always has one mother of a downside.

Dean is trying to make Cas talk, because he's seeing Cas is avoiding Heaven's topic. And maybe he's trying to get to him, talking about that huge experience they had in Purgatory. Trying to empathize with the angel...

CASTIEL: [closes the journal] So, what do you want me to do?

DEAN: Maybe take a trip upstairs.

CASTIEL: To Heaven?

DEAN: Yeah, poke around, see if the God squad can't tell us how you got out.

CASTIEL: No.

Dean is still feeling there's some piece missing, he needs answers, but he can't see far more... Cas is in pain, and he will know again and right in this scene.

Dean goes for the normal way to look things... Of course, angels would kill Cas, but the truth is worst than that...

Kill himself? Dean is in shock. And Sam is there interrupting.

Cas saw a way out from that conversation, so he ran away towards Sam, but Dean is so in alarm about what Cas had just said, that he can even get up from the bed. And while his brother are talking, he gave a quick glance to Cas... He's worried...

And this episode already gave us a guy with a blue tie, jumping out of the building, commiting suicide.

Acting awkwardly around you

We are still in episode 8x08, I will point two weird attitudes coming from Dean...

The first one is the classis "I'll watch over you."

Is a simple, honest angelical offer to make. Angel watch over humanity. And why not watch over Dean? Why not if Cas is an angel and that's what angels supposed to do.

But Dean takes this as another kind of offer, it makes him uncomfortable, just thinking about Cas standing there, watching him sleep... Is so "creepy" but mostly... Gay.

So he snapped off that idea "That's not gonna happen," making that face that show discomfort, and some kind of stress. He's very conscious about the offer, because he's in love with Castiel.

Then... We had the old lady scene... I found a couple of good points...

OLD WOMAN: You are so pretty, Charles.

(...) DEAN notices an attractive female CARER walk by.

Why is this immediately pointed after a lady calling Castiel pretty? Because Dean is conscious about that too... Cas is pretty, and then a pretty Young lady passed by and Dean goes there. Yeah. No homo. Is just subtext.

CASTIEL: That's not my name.

OLD WOMAN: Oh! You look so much like my third husband.

I don't know if someone already pointed this in the fandom but... Cassie/Lisa... Are one two... And now Castiel is the third for Dean. 🤣🤣🤣

And this one here...

OLD WOMAN Oh, my diamonds, yes. I hid them there. [to CASTIEL] I'm sorry, Charles. I didn't trust you. You were quite the bounder.

Okay... So Charles/Castiel is the binder, this is a funny foreshadow about what Cas would do to Dean... He will break his heart.

Jumping now to episode 8x10 Turn and Frayed

Not mention the scene in which Castiel actually is watching over Dean, I want to talk about the exaggerated and awkward reaction from Dean when CAS is standing behind him, and he opens his laptop, with the "Busty Asian Beauties" on it...

Why is he reacting like that? If Cas is a dude, and the normal reaction between dudes would be just poker face maybe a joke or wherever, but no. He's in front of his crush, people! He's ashamed! He even covers the screen with his hand!! He looks back to see if Cas is watching. He's ashamed because he cares about what As would think. Because he is in love with him. Okay I will repeat this a lot of times during season 8...

And this whole episode here is a parallel to 5x03, Free to be you and me, we even had an intent of date!

And Dean is flirting again, and watching Castiel mouth, then touching his own lips, I mean... This is it. This was another date between them. A hunting date. The whole episode my dears.

Dean is also feeling proud when CAS requested the ingredients list Kevin was writing. Yeah, this is my handsome angel friend, nothing he can't get.

In this episode, Dean and Sam saw Castiel had killed Samandriel, suspecting there was something really bad going on with the way Cas was behaving.

Bi Dean exposition

Episode 8x13 Everybody hates Hitler, written by Edlund, is a big Bi Dean exposition.

Before we will be talking about that, I want to point here, this scene...

Dean is avoiding Sam's gaze, he is like playing with some books, because he needs to make that question as if that was nothing, just a bro, worried about his best bro, so, yeah...

But while he's doing that, is plenty obvious to the audience, he's trying so hard, and he's really worried, and he's ashamed for asking that. Because he was trying to contact Cas and he didn't answer his phone, so he's really, REALLY, worried, and struggling with Castiel's absence.

But now let's talk about how he's bi self was exposed when he met the rabbi's grandson.

You already recall the scene in the restaurant. The guy and Dean exchanged gazes, and the rabbi's grandson flirted with him.

And when Dean went to face him, he got very VERY flustered, and everything was awkward, and he even gave the guy a flirting gaze... Okay... He named that MY GAY THING.

Now... Why is Dean disappointed in this dialogue... (Also, pay attention to the symbolism and the parallel is hidden here...)

BEARDED YOUNG MAN The rabbi who was murdered, Isaac Bass – he was my grandfather. That's why we're here. When you guys started to follow up on his case, we started following you.

This is placed after the episode in which the guys met his grandfather, so this is a parallel to that episode, but also, what is about to coming, is a Destiel brokenheart parallel (the crypt scene)

DEAN So, wait. What you're saying is that you and me – we, uh, didn't have a moment?

You and me. YOU AND ME. Not YOU, JUST YOU HAD A MOMENT WITH ME. BUT YOU AND ME!

Because Dean had a moment there too... He thought they, together, had a moment. (Bi Dean alarm sounding).

RABBI BASS’ GRANDSON No, man. I was tailing you.

Now... The deception, and the foreshadownfor the broken heart...

Cas I thought we had something special, you and me, but it looks like it was just me feeling that way...

DEAN [to SAM] Told you I was being followed. He was my gay thing.

[to RABBI BASS’ GRANDSON] It was really good. You really had me there. It was very smooth.

Trying to remain cool... But he fooled him.

He will feel fooled by Castiel too.

Can I die now? Okay, after finish this, then I die.

To Conclude

Episode 8x08 showed us a depressed Castiel, thinking about suicide, not being able to come back to Heaven, and trying to stay with Dean and Sam, trying to be a hunter like them, because they're role models to him. And he NEEDS to keep helping people, he need to feel himself as a good person.

We had a worried Dean and and awkward behavior coming from him, with huge heartbroken (crypt scene) foreshadow everywhere.

Episode 8x13 was exppsitional for Bi!Dean, and it had a lot of elements that acted like parallels with MoL legacy and, again, the crypt scene.

I hope you like this one, see you in the next Chronicles.

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20

If you want to be tagged in this list, just let me know.

If you want to read the previous metas...

Links are right here: vol. XXXI, XXXII and XXXIII.

Buenos Aires, October 23rd 2019 6:20 PM

[mittensmorgul]

Heya, did you write a post on the 300th episode about how you liked that Dean didn't scream and yell at John, and how Dean's acceptance of his life and what his father did was actually very much in character for him? I know I read an analysis like that and I'm trying to find it. Do you remember if you wrote something like that?

Hello there! And yeah, I’ve written a bunch on it... here have some links in chronological order:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182646258930/mittensmorgul-i-love-that-the-main-takeaway-from

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182647299820 (emotional post-ep tag rambling on a lovely gif set)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182647403370/rachelhaimowitz-mittensmorgul-and-heck (near-immediate-post-ep reaction, attached to literal liveblogging notes)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182650970910/i-think-the-reason-i-loved-this-episode-is-because

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182659456565/the-more-i-watch-101-the-more-i-see-how-1413 (since I went back and watched 1.01 the morning after 14.13 aired)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182660746295/hi-i-really-enjoy-your-blog-and-thank-you-for (about destiel, but also about DEAN HIMSELF, and only added here because this is my post and i do what i want) :’D

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182666587985/a-pearl-of-great-price-14x13-lebanon (one day post episode, my thoughts and @drsilverfish)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182686837440/sometimes-i-just-start-rambling-in-the-chat (two days post episode, baggage)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182723615495/rosewhipped22-so-i-havent-rewatched-lebanon-yet (three days post episode, my thoughts attached to a post by @rosewhipped22)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182739036420/thought-half-of-why-john-is-more-accepting-in (four days post episode, from john’s perspective)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182742853500/ok-was-i-the-only-one-that-thought-that-the-pearl (four days post episode)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182768804195/you-are-a-grown-man (more by marghe... heck since i’m compiling this in reverse chronological order, that’s postmodernmulticolored cloak, linked below already)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182809680760/ive-seen-people-compare-and-contrast-deans-pearl ( a post by lizbob, but perfectly relevant)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183546769690/ive-been-thinking-about-justin-smith-and (a post by @elizabethrobertajones about 14.15, focused more on Sam and John, but tangentially related)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183579401925/a-normal-life-a-peaceful-life-about-normativity (a post by @postmodernmulticoloredcloak about 14.15, but yes, because that ep was a goldmine of mirrors and parallels)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183599304315/hello-mittens-do-you-think-the-300th-ep-painted (directly about John and how 14.13 portrayed him)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184563853945/idk-if-this-was-touched-on-already-but-i-was (more post 14.20 thoughts)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185018115175/im-gonna-lump-1404-and-1405-together-here-for (post 14.20 rewatch notes of 14.04 and 14.05, about fathers and emotional baggage)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185050918250/ive-been-holding-off-starting-1413-because-i (post 14.20 rewatch notes of 14.13, and how Dean’s ability to let his baggage go was a key element in his ability to both contain Michael in his brain fridge, and how Michael was able to be defeated in the first place... Dean proved he was NOT Michael, that he didn’t hold Michael’s identical bag full of daddy issues, and that he’d accepted his life-- unlike Michael, who lived entirely wrapped in his own bitterness and anger)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185499854300/220-what-is-and-what-should-never-be-an-episode (post 14.20 rewatch notes of 2.20)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/186471109135/gosh-bringing-lisa-back-would-be-an-awful-idea-i (dean’s choices, anon putting forth the premise that lisa would return to be dean’s endgame li, and just... no)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/186948931735/justanotheridijiton (script pages, growth.gif)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187893034105/callmekrowley-replied-to-your-post-hi (more about dean)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/188174052160/rainbow-motors-the-epic-tale-of-getting-jeffrey (a tag rant)

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/188497242580/neven-ebrez-mittensmorgul-dotthings (post 15.01, I think? reactions)

LOLOL okay I just scrolled back to the bottom of this post and... I am so sorry, but yes I have written just a wee bit about this, apparently...

[jocollins]

Hey, could you please write number 86 about destiel, cause i'm a sucker for that fluff👌

“Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”

Dean and Castiel have been friends for what seemed forever. They had this really close kind of friendship that everyone dreamed of.

At first when Castiel excuse himself out of their normal hang out times, Dean shrug it off, knowing that it must be something important.

But then these times start to get often and often, starting to trigger Dean a bit.

So one night when Cas finally didn’t cancel their plans, Dean slowly start up the convo about what’s going on.

- Do you have a girlfriend or something? - Dean asked all casual, not taking his eyes off the video game they were playing in that moment.

- What? - Cas asked in pure confusion, turning his attention to Dean.

- A girlfriend. A girl that is more than friend. - Dean roll his eyes, sighing and putting his game controller down to look at Cas.

- What the fuck are you talking about? - Cas start to get angry and that shock Dean.

- Wow, calm down. It’s nothing big, man. I was just wondering why do you cancel so many plans with me. So I though that maybe you start dating someone. - Dean tried to explain, feeling guilty already for making Cas angry.

- Fuck you, Dean. - Cas stand up and storm to the door.

- Cas! What the fuck?! Where are you going? It was just a question! - Dean tried to stop Cas but he was already out the door.

- Nice move, man, really nice. You idiot. - Dean grumble to himself.

Next Day everything went back to usual as if nothing have happened. It made Dean a bit uneasy but he shake it off, simply being glad to have his best friend with him.

Dean noticed that there was something off with Cas, something that he wasn’t telling him and Dean tried his best to keep his tongue behind his teeth.

But when Cas come banging on his door at 3 am, all bloody and bruised, Dean couldn’t take it anymore.

- What’s going on? - Dean asked, slowly whipping away the blood from Cas cheek.

- Nothing, Dean. - Cas sigh in pain.

- Cas. I am not stupid, I can see. First, you ditch me, now you come here all bloody! Something serious is going on and I need to know what! - Dean tried to push his anger down but it still made it’s note to his tone.

- For fuck’s sake, Dean! I come here because I felt safe but I guess I was wrong! Could you just fuck off with your fucking questions! - Cas slapped Dean’s hand away from his cheek.

-  Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry. - Dean stumble to his kitchen, pouring himself a glass of drink.

Soon enough he heard Cas stop behind him, he was ready to hear another angry rant.

- What now?! - Dean turned around just to notice how actually close Cas was standing to him, their noses almost touching, making his breath hitch.

- I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and that I shouldn’t have reacted like that... - Cas breathed out, focusing his eyes to Dean’s.

- I’m worried, Cas... I don’t want to lose you... - Dean heard himself say and couldn’t believe that he actually said that.

- I know... I know... - Cas slowly slid his hand up to Dean’s neck, looking down at his lips.

And just as slow, he softly pushed his lips against Dean’s, melting Dean’s worries.

Dean sigh into kiss, pulling Cas closer.

But just as it started, it ended, leaving them a bit breathless, with foreheads pressed together.

- It’s my father... he found out that I have kissed you... That I’m into guys... He was pissed... - Cas breath out.

- Cas... You should have told me. I could have helped. - Dean started.

- No. It’s okay. I didn’t want to worry you... It’s not like we are dating or anything. - Cas sigh.

- I was still worried. - Dean gripped Cas tighter with one hand.

- I know but I just though that you are into that girl from campus and so it wouldn’t be fair to drag you into this shit... - Cas slowly looked away and was that tear in his eye?

- You idiot. I was never into her. She is attractive, yes, but not as sexy as you. And ever since that drunk kissing marathon we had, I can’t stop thinking about you in that way. - Dean murmured, trying to catch Cas eyes.

- Dean... - Cas closed his eyes.

- No, Cas. Come, move in with me. In that way you won’t need to deal with your father. - Dean urged.

- Dean... You know that I can’t. - Cas almost choked on his words.

- Be my boyfriend. - Dean choked out, surprised about himself.

- What? - Cas finally opened his eyes and looked at Dean.

- Be my boyfriend and come move in with me. I have been hopelessly in love with you for years so it would be only fair to finally have you here, as mine. - Dean said in pure honesty, thanking the shot of whiskey that made him brave to say these words out aloud.

- How much did you drink? - Cas asked without believing Dean’s words, too perfect to be real.

- Just a sip. So, will you do it? Please? We are practically dating anyway, we sleep in one bed, we spend almost all the time together, we check each other out, don’t sleep around, and snuggle through the night. Fuck, we even kiss through the night. So what do you say, Cas? Wanna make it official? - Dean asked with a hope in his voice.

Cas looked at him for a moment before slowly letting go off him and taking a step back.

- I don’t know. But I would love to get some sleep first, maybe with a little bonus... - Cas said all serious, but before Dean could start to worry, he smirked at Dean.

- You fucking idiot! - Dean couldn’t help a smile break out over his lips, gripping Cas and pulling him back against his chest.

- I prefer boyfriend. - Cas smiled, leaning down to steal a sweet kiss from Dean.

- You will kill me, you will really kill me. - Dean mumble, trying to pull Cas closer.

- Oh, you’ll see. - Cas smirked again, pulling Dean back to his bedroom.

Was this a fluff? I’m not sure, I’m really not sure. But well, what do you think? Did it even make any sense? ugh, I’m so all over the place but please enjoy!

[samanddeanloveeachothersomuch]

Opinion #20

I need to vent about people on Reddit. This is pretty much going to be a rant on people's opinions about the show. I'm not trying to be disrespectful I personally just think they are wrong. I'm sorry if I already ranted about one of these things before.

There are still people who think Sam and Dean aren't platonic soulmates. Either because they think brothers can't be soulmates (even if I explain they are platonic soulmates and then go on to explain all the canon evidence) or because they are destiel shippers which is a whole other thing but I ask hellers to pay attention to canon when talking on a post about Sam and Dean on Reddit. (If you only ship destiel in fanon and don't send death threats to anyone then I thank you. It is the hellers (extreme destiel shippers that say the CW is queerbaiting because it wasn't made canon) that bother me.) The reason I even mention destiel shippers is because I've had someone tell me that they prefer Dean and Cas as soulmates and it bothered me for a lot of reasons but I would just like to put out there that Dean seems to barely tolerate Cas sometimes and they aren't exactly what you would describe as close. He very much prefers to hang out with Sam over Cas on any given day. And obviously, the idea that brothers can't be soulmates is false. I have also seen people say that it goes against team free will and that since Chuck created their bond it's weird for them to be soulmates. I've touched on the second one before. Basically they were the ones who strengthened their bond. They wanted it to be what it was and Chuck did not. Chuck wanted them to kill each other. He didn't want them to not be able to function when the other was dead. ( This doesn't count the finale Sam was functioning obviously but he was living for Dean and it was more like a half life.) As for the second one. As far as the free will part goes as I stated above they went against Chuck so their bond pretty much is free will. Plus, we know it was out of Chuck's control the entire time because of the finale. The only thing Chuck did was try to drive them apart. As far as the team part goes I personally don't care for Cas so I don't particularly care about the team part.

This leads me to my next thing. Sam and Dean care about their friends and their family but they care about each other more. They show isn't really about found family. It's about Sam and Dean. Dean has said this in multiple episodes that it was always just them. Even if you don't like the finale (I loved it) Dean still said this. It is canon. They care about friends and family but not as much as each other. This is further proven when Dean waits for Sam in heaven even though he could go see any of his friends or family as heaven was completely opened. They didn't want to see their friends or family. Them reuniting and then it ending was perfect. Now they can go do whatever they want.

Sam's memories were tampered with by Zachariah. Jared confirmed it but it also makes a lot more sense than memories with random people being his happiest memories. His happiest memories are with Dean. Think about the end of season five. How did he stop Lucifer? His love for Dean. His memories he had with Dean as kids. Their names that they carved into the Impala. Then in the finale Sam was wearing his pilot outfit. Jared said this was because it was Sam's happiest memory. The best memories someone has changes but in season 5 that definitely could have been a good memory for Sam. He had long given up the idea of a normal life. This wasn't season 1 or 2 it was 5. I've had people tell me that it makes sense for Sam's memories to be what they were (see above) and that Jared was just trying to placate fans. Jared says things people don't want to hear about the characters all the time. He knows Sam and if Jared says their heaven was messed with I believe him. It's not a stretch. Think about the voicemail. All of this was meant to break them apart.

I've seen people say their codependency is toxic and needs to be broken. I think every relationship could be toxic and the more you care about the person the more toxic it could be until you are able to work it out which they always do. In supernatural the fact of the matter is their "codependency" ( I assume this is meant to be a negative term which I don't really want to use.) is keeping them both sane. Dean lives for Sam. Taking care of him is a huge part of who he is. He would spiral if Sam died. Either become reckless or as Jensen has actually said he would die in the back of a pool hall. Sam also spirals. He gets reckless just like Dean gets or he hides. He hides in a normal life. Dean quite literally keeps Sam sane. Remember stone numer one? Remember "It's the only thing I've ever know that was true."? So yeah it could be toxic but in reality they got a lot better. Say whatever you want about the later seasons but at least they weren't fighting all the time. As a whole their relationship isn't toxic.

It's amazing how many people think they were only so close because of Chuck or because of hunting. I've already touched on the Chuck one. Hunting is just their job. It is hard to imagine them not hunting because it's what they do. Just like adults go to work. If hunting was to slow down and eventually stop they'd still be in the bunker. If they got normal jobs they'd still be living in the bunker. There is a lot of reasons they wouldn't nessccarrily do good in a normal life but the biggest is at this point they don't want one. As long as Dean was alive they would have stayed in the bunker. They do things together just because they enjoy them that has nothing to do with hunting. In season ten they were by that lake and drinking beer. If I remember correctly in one of the seasons Dean talks about retiring. When they went to that old people home I didn't get the impression that one of them would be going their and one of them wouldn't. They go on an annual trip to Vegas every year. I'm sure there are more. They want to spend time together that doesn't have anything to do with hunting. They are pretty much in a queer-platonic relationship at this point. Which is kinda like marriage but is platonic and something you can have with a best friend.

Dean definitely did not regret selling his soul for Sam. Hell was obviously traumatic but I don't believe for a second that if there was no other way he wouldn't try. Even in seasons where they were fighting. It's amazing that people could ever think that knowing how much Dean loves Sam. The codependency (I don't have a better word) became extremely apparent when Dean sold his soul but it was there before then. Faith is a good example. Even Dean saying "As long as I'm around nothing bad is going to happen to you" is an example. Dean letting himself be beat up by Lucifer because he didn't want Sam to die alone is a good example. Sam has always been Dean's exception to everything. ( I don't mean for that to sound weird.) Even in the Kripke era they codependency was a strong as ever. The codependency became a thing in the Kripke era. Dean definitely didn't learn that Sam should have stayed dead. And yes I know his dad had died in he was in a bad place but I truly don't think that had much influence on his decision. He sold his soul because he couldn't live with Sam dead. That is something Dean admits to. It didn't have anything to do with his father. In fact, if it was up to John he probably would have made sure Sam stayed dead so he didn't have to deal with the possibility of killing him.

I think I'm done. Thank you to anyone who actually got this far. Lol. Sorry the post is this long. This made me feel better though. If anyone has any other suggestions feel free to let me know and I can put them in. Remember these are just my opinions on everything other people have said. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

[awed-frog]

Hi! I realized something the other day (I'm really slow wth) My parents have the same age as Dean, lit (I know weird but wathever) and my mum is homophobic (I'm bi, sad story lol) and she watches the show with me. The thing is that I annoy her with Destiel and she gets really angry (at some point she started disliking Cas, imagine that) and she looks for back up in my aunt for example, peolple her age. But me? My friends know that I'm bi, one confessed she thought she was too 1/2

2/2 and one of my bf ships Destiel really hard too. And it made realize of just how difficult it must be for Dean to “came out of the closet” if he is bi (I’m sure he is but till it becomes canon…) I mean, it’s not easy for me, it’s not easy right now for a lot of people but I’m positive that it’s better than before. Dean and people his age had it worse I think and it opened my mind to how much he must have struggled, how possible it was that Jhon could have hit him for that, oh too long 2/3

3/3 Bc before realizing this? I was like “Jhon beating hip up for this? no way. Maybe if he caught Dean while drunk and half out of his mind, but sober and knowing exactly what he’s doing?” And i must sound really stupid sorry, bc now it happens this too but it’s just WOW poor Dean, I wanna hug him. Also Charlie is a champion, and those married hunter couple 😢 Why do people do this (Also, if you have more idea of how it used to be, could u tell me? Correct me if I’m wrong?) bye ❤

Hey there! Sorry you’re having some trouble with your mom, here’s to hoping she’ll grown more accepting with time!

(But even if she doesn’t, remember that has nothing to do with you - she can choose whether to be tolerant and kind, while you can’t choose whether to be bi or not, so the ball is in her camp.)

As for Dean - yeah, he’s more or less my age, but he moves in a background that’s vastly different from mine - I’m sure other people (maybe @bert-and-ernie-are-gay or @mittensmorgul or @thejabberwock?) could tell you what it was like to grow up in the States around that time, and how queer people were perceived. All I can tell you is that in my corner of the world, being gay was something people expected you to keep quiet about - in my school, only one kid was out, and five other had that kind of ‘we all know but they never said anything so we pretend we don’t know and maybe we’re wrong’ status, and I know life had its ups and downs for them. Some people were really antagonistic (it was mostly boy on boy banter that was the problem, and I know that the worst time for gay kids was P.E., because here everyone is expected to shower together, so a vague ‘Tom looks sorta gay, haha’ can quickly turn into a ‘Hey why is that f*ggot staring at me now I’m naked’ and then all bets are off), and most people didn’t really care one way or the other, but still - the trouble is, you grow up in a culture where you don’t really have positive representation of any kind - gay people were either men dressing up and wearing feathers in funny movies or hospital patients dying of AIDS in sad movies - even for someone like me, who grew up in a weird household and read all kind of books, it was difficult to imagine a gay person being - a normal person, you know what I mean? Someone who’d have a relationship one day, and a house and a whatever job and would fight over whose turn it was to wash the dishes. And for kids with conservative parents, things were often much harsher, as I wrote here. Plus, even in the 1990s, AIDS was a big concern for most of us, gay or straight, so that was a problem as well - the illness was no longer perceived as a ‘gay’ illness (which it never was, by the way), but the fact we were bombarded with messages about the importance of condoms and safe sex, even as kids, played a role in our general understanding of sexuality (our own and other people’s).

For me, personally, the consequence of this climate of silence and diffidence in how we approached the matter meant that I considered my crushes on girls to be ‘just a phase’, or something like ‘I want to be like her’ rather than ‘I want to be with her’; whether this prevented me from seeking out romantic connections with women, we’ll never know, but since I’m insanely happy with the relationship I have now and am deeply in love with the man who shares my life, it’s not really a problem for me. That said, yeah, it doesn’t really surprise me to see that the more openly we discuss the subject and the more we respect what we feel, the fewer people identify as straight - in the UK, 49% of young people are not straight, and to me that’s a figure that makes perfect sense. We generally fall in love with souls, not bodies, so the more open-minded we are about such things, the more our potential to form relationships with anyone broadens. And, of course, as we’re heading into an age where AI will be a thing, it’s likely our understanding of what a suitable partner is will change a lot over the next few decades.

As for Dean Winchester - as I said, I’m not an expert, but this is a guy who grew up in a very different - and often hostile - environment. Unfortunately, the US is still a country where members of the LGBT community face significant risks - risks teen!Dean would be very familiar with, since half his job as a hunter-in-training was going through the newspapers looking for cases. For instance, in 1993, when Dean was fourteen, there was the murder of Brandon Teena, and the year before, Allen Schindler was killed - since he was a soldier on duty, it’s likely John would have discussed that sooner or later, and the wider ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ issue. And, I don’t know - I don’t see John as homophobic, exactly, but still - he would have considered his kids’ legitimate wish to form a relationship with someone an annoyance at best (I wonder if Sam or Dean ever sulked when they had to move because they’d lose touch with a crush or a girlfriend, for instance - they must have, right?) and an irrational luxury at worst (a partner can distract you or get targeted by enemies, as John knew from experience), and as for Dean being bi - objectively, men are more dangerous than women, and there is a significant risk a predator will pretend to be gay to trap you and hurt you, so I’m thinking this is the reason John would have objected to Dean’s choices, if nothing else. Furthermore, we’ve seen how conservative the hunter community is (or used to be) - I think John would have agreed with the adults I met growing up - would have said that okay, whatever - if Dean wanted to have fun with a man, who could stop him, right, but he’d better be careful and he’d better be private about it and ‘Jesus, let’s hope the kid doesn’t like it up the ass’ because, whatever, people have been having trouble with this particular thing for the past three thousand years and that’s not likely to change any time soon. So, yeah - I think there’s a good chance Dean took a long time to even understand he was attracted to men as well, and there’s a possibility that his acceptance and understanding of himself was muddled by the fact he was abused at some point, and turned tricks later in life - personally, my headcanon is that his experimenting years happened during the Stanford era, when he was mostly alone, and since then he’s not really thought about the whole thing a whole lot - partly because he’s always with Sam (and Sam can be very judgemental), and mostly because Dean’s got zero time for any of that stuff, and a lifespan to match - we know he thinks he shouldn’t have any relationships at all, for a bunch of reasons, and that honestly breaks my heart. 

Poor guy. I really, really hope he’ll get his happy ending - God knows he deserves it.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Do you think they descibed the mixtape for this episode? I feel it would've worked even better if we actually had a scene of Dean giving Cas the mixtape and now I'm thinking did they only think if it rn and it was to late for the gifting scene or did they maybe cut it out and its gonna be a deleted scene?

No, it all happened too quickly unless there was going to be a ridiculous romantic flashback of it, because Cas comes back, Dean storms off, Cas follows and gives it to him, so he had to have already had it on him when he came through the door, which means he has to have had it since at LEAST 12x12 when we last saw Dean and Cas in the same space. I’m pretty sure it was meant to imply that at some point off screen since Dean n Cas knew each other (although likely in the last year) Dean had given Cas the mixtape, and it was the change in circumstances that made Cas give it back, and that was the first time we were supposed to know about it. Like, with the shock that this was something that HAD happened.

In a way it’s kind of forced character development if this WASN’T Dean and Cas would be a bit empty and a dick move to make us think they care - it’s the kind of shit Doctor Who pulled all the time that annoyed me where characters would pull out whole backstories they’d apparently known all along and SHARED or whatever but we only found out about them belatedly, often as emotional manipulation to make us more invested in whatever was going on, the kind of things where a casual viewer has to double check with the fan in the room if that was ever mentioned before or if it’s new or they’re filling in years of character history which necessarily has to change the dynamics but we never saw how it happened, they just tell us what’s new. I was always annoyed when they just pulled out stuff like oh yeah such and such happened in our past and we know all about it but we’re just telling you the audience about it in passing so you believe these characters care about each other now without us having to do work. (I’m sorry I can’t think of examples but bad writing tends not to stick for the very reason it’s trite and not deep enough to make me care because in this case it’s exactly where “show don’t tell” is an actually important mantra… I guess River Song’s intro is the most egregious example but it’s really not limited to her even if she was the embodiment of just telling us a character cared without needing to develop it, which no matter how deep it’s professed, is totally empty without OUR experience of it… As a writer I personally always want to focus on the moments that change and grow and bring people together or break them apart and the gaps in between are when things are normal, not when anything dramatic happens.) 

BUT in this case Dean n Cas have a deep complicated relationship and this is a good example of using a random artefact from their past to suddenly pull us in - even if that “past” is something that’s blatantly happened not just since we knew them but like, probably since Cas got that truck or whatever. Dean probably looked it over for him some other time at the start of the season and was like, cool, you have a tape deck, brb need to be a love fool, and went to make him the tape. It implies extra depth that they can’t show on screen and we already know, in AGONISING detail how much Dean and Cas love each other. 

The fact Dean made Cas a mixtape is surprising that Dean did it but doesn’t actually tell us anything new about Dean’s FEELINGS because basically at least half the length of the show now Dean has been clearly in love with Cas via the subtext and narrative stuff, so this is just telling us about how he’s been expressing these feelings lately and in this way the sudden introduction of something that already happened, retracting it before we even knew it had been offered in the first place, says so much in one moment it’s ridiculous. 

And it’s important it’s a small detail that changes nothing outwardly in the big plot episodes and how they act and that we can’t guess when Dean might have given it to Cas exactly except for “not any time this week”. 

It’s microscopic in the grand scheme of things - it’s no crypt scene or formal gesture that needs to have a grand stage to show us how it happened. It was just something cute Dean did for Cas which actually tells US all his feelings as burning away as usual but this is how he showed them at some point recently, and it shows Cas misses this cue that we’d even find out about the tape, because he didn’t understand the significance and tried to return it. If he knew what it meant he’d have played it until it was too scratchy and weird to listen to any more, but even knowing how much Dean cares about this stuff, I don’t think Cas gets that Dean gave him a bit of his heart when he did it. If Cas KNEW it was a bigger gesture that deserved a stage to be introduced, we’d have either seen that or they would have been leading a totally secret off-screen Destiel relationship that we know nothing about. Which is not, as Jensen says, how they act it. Dean had to give Cas that tape within the perameters of their existing awkward but caring relationship and for it NOT to change anything secretly behind the scenes, and yet we’re at a point where it’s plausible (if thrillingly exciting to discover) that Dean would give Cas a mixtape away from our eyes, just as part of the general day to day of how they live and how Dean cares about Cas, and telling us that probably Dean does other things on the small level of giving mixtapes that people do when they care for someone.

And so because it’s SO small fry that Cas doesn’t even understand that it was the hugest gesture Dean’s ever made in a turning up on his doorstep with flowers way like the subtext about it implies, and that means it’s easier to tell us he did it and betray Dean’s feelings to the audience via Cas’s misunderstanding, to drop it in as an aside of this is how Dean and Cas have been developing away from the camera. This is showing us there’s small cute moments, tender exchanges that probably have all the fan fic tropes we imagine of Dean, idk, gruffly shoving the tape at Cas? Shyly pushing it across the table one day pretending he didn’t? And is Cas baffled or immediately touched? Does he play it right away, or pocket it and forget until he’s on the road with Crowley and want something to drown out his endless talking? Did Dean give it to him TO help him drown out Crowley’s endless talking? Who knows? It’s never going to be answered, because in the grand scheme of things it’s a tiny little gesture. But between Dean and Cas it’s enormous, and for us to see how Dean feels… 

But yeah, the power is in that we don’t know how it happened, but it betrays and shows how things are between Dean and Cas away from the drama and the fighting demons and angels and panicking about end of the world situations and so on. In the quiet moments between episodes stuff like this happens. I mean, like, in 5x22 Chuck casually betrayed that Sam and Dean actually have downtime between episodes and do stuff like go to concerts and other normal human activities brothers do when they’re not hunting ghosts? And Cas especially has this massive disconnect from a normal life sort of feeling because he only drops by for plot episodes, he’s been in like 3 episodes where we see him doing anything even, like, human or hunter-y rather than dramatic angel-y. Cas doesn’t GET downtime on screen, in the way many episodes start and/or end on giving us a moment of Sam and Dean’s day-to-day life and how they occupy themselves between hunts. 

Cas doesn’t get that luxury, but we do know that OCCASIONALLY he can spend time with Sam and Dean off-camera, and especially this season, he HAS been. Maybe not much, but at the very least, we’ve had gaps and time skips and times when Cas has had the option to at least drop in, if not being taken home or following them back, and when Sam and Dean were gone in 12x09 he used their space without them in it, which I think was a first for Cas being alone in the Bunker. His inner domestic world is growing and we don’t know a LOT about it and they’re often adverse to showing it being connected to Dean, like how Cas was in Sam’s room in 12x07… But we know that Dean and Cas are close and WOULD be closer when they’re alone together… So this fills in a gap that has always existed, to imply that Dean and Cas are, well, gross and in love, even when we don’t see them, in those times when they’re alone together and things are quieter. 

I guess this is also a symbol of the off-screen Destiel we have never been able to definitively say happens and often felt like was deliberately not being shown or avoided being implied?

[sinfulseb]

I'm Fine.

A/N: Something that I came up with at 2am! Yes, I know… my mind is a very dark and scary place. Enjoy xx

SUMMARY: Dean’s been acting a bit odd lately, and Sam can’t help but to notice.

WORD COUNT: 1,725

WARNINGS: 14+(mild cursing), cutting, depression, suicidal thoughts, angst, just an overall really sad story, so if you think you might get triggered, please don’t read! I want you guys to stay safe :) oh and dean is gonna be a bit OOC. Pshh who am I kidding, he’s gonna be very OOC. 

CHARACTERS: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

ALSO THIS IS UNEDITED SO BEWARE

Dean walked in, inhaling the strong scent of alcohol in the dim bar. Sam was trailing along, needing a couple drinks. Having just finished a hunt they decided to take a break for a bit before they were on the road again.

Sam watched him go over to the bartender, Dean giving her a flirty smile and a wink. He rolled his eyes at his older brother and sat down near him. It was typical for him, but something just seemed off. He was too…happy. He kept smiling and joking around more than usual. It was like he was trying too hard. Sam was going to keep an eye on his brother, and make sure he was okay.

Dean was always there for him, and now it was Sam’s turn.

The bartender smiled sweetly at Sam after taking Dean’s order. “Hey sugar. What would you like?” She had a slight southern twang to her voice, meaning she wasn’t from around here. She probably came to this town to get away, be more independent, and got a job here. Sam usually noticed these things about people, it was just a regular habit now. He decided to go with a beer and the bartender was happy to comply, giving sultry looks at Dean every now and then.

“Dean,” Sam started, tapping him on the shoulder, “Are you alright?”

Dean’s brows furrowed and a flash of pain showed on his face before he masked it with a smile and looked at Sam. “Yeah, Sammy, I’m fine. Why’re you asking?”

“No reason, I just-” Sam was cut off by the bartender placing their drinks on the counter.

“There you go, boys. Hope you enjoy,” she said, winking and walking away. Sam wasn’t oblivious to the slip of paper she handed Dean. Sam watched his reaction, and was confused when Dean just secretly threw it to the floor. Normally he’d go for any chance to get laid, what was so different now?

Dean just stood up and strolled away to the bathroom, still looking as confident as ever, leaving Sam there in a state of total confusion.

                      ***** As Dean entered the bathroom, everything came crashing down on him. He wanted to hide. To crawl away into nothing and just  disappear. To not feel anything. He looked at himself in the mirror, something unrecognizable staring back. Those eyes, they had seen things, witnessed things, that nobody could imagine.

He observed his hands, and he could practically see the blood dripping down his arms, could almost smell the rusty and metallic stench that made his stomach quake and his legs quiver.

He had tortured those people. He wasn’t strong enough, he couldn’t do it anymore. So he gave up. And the worst part was, the sick, twisted, mind of his enjoyed it. There wasn’t anyone to place the blame on this time.

There was the excruciating pain in his heart every time he thought of what he did to those souls. The pain was worse, it was no match to the euphoria he felt while doing it. Every time he picked up another tool, he felt in control, as if for one is his damn life, he got to make the choices.

He realized now, the true severity of what he’d done. It was so disgusting. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to get rid of himself, a pathetic excuse for a human. He didn’t deserve to live. What had he done to deserve to be breathing, moving, feeling, smelling, touching? Nothing. And that was all he was. He was another soldier the world needed for a while, and then he was lost, forgotten, and never needed again.

He used pain as an excuse, but he deserved the pain. He deserved all of it. The aftertaste of what he did in Hell was like a dull knife being stabbed into his gut, over and over. And his demons were the ones that took the knife, and twisted it, and he beared the agonizing pain like the soldier he was taught to be, but nothing could stop him from feeling it.

But now all he wanted was to get rid of all the pain, feel in control again. He shouldn’t be doing it here, but it was just too much. It was too hard to stop, he was addicted to it.

Addicted to the feeling of the blood rushing out of the cuts, staining his clothes. Addicted to the rush he got when he knew he was getting the punishment he deserved. Addicted to the sticky,  bitter substance that would just wash away, and no one would know. He took out his switch blade, and slowly rolled up his sleeves.

He took a shallow breath and could hear them, yelling at him, sneering, shouting things that made his head spin.

“Just kill yourself, it’s not like anyone will care!”

“What are you waiting for? Bleed, feel the pain, feel that pain you caused us!”

“Are you afraid? Too scared to die, knowing you’ll go back to hell?”

“You’re a monster! Look at what you did to those souls.”

“You don’t deserve what you have!”

“Kill yourself already, what are you waiting for?”

The voices jumbled together until all he heard was screams screams of pain. He remembered those screams. They were the ones that haunted him every night since he got out of hell.

He wished he could forget, but it wasn’t possible. There was no forgetting what he’d witnessed. What he’d done. But none of the pain they had inflicted on him could rival the damage he did to himself. All of the scars up and down his arms, not from Hell, as he was healed when Cas pulled him out. No, these scars came from his own blade, from his hands. And he wished to God he could stop, but he couldn’t.

He held back tears as the blade pierced through his skin, and there was a little sting, and his heart sped faster, because he knew this was wrong, but it was a way of relieving all the things he couldn’t say out loud. All normal thoughts flew out the window, and all Dean could think about was the line of crimson liquid trailing down his arm, like a path you find in the woods and want to follow to see where it leads. He felt it again, the feeling of release, it was so satisfying.

That’s why Dean cut. He cut to stop the clamor, to end the agony, to bring himself back to the present and his physical form, to show proof that he was still human.

And then reality kicked in, reminding him of where he was. He rushed to clean up the mess he’d made, a mess that was nowhere as near as the chaos called his life. He rolled his sleeves up and took the tissues he’s used to wipe the blood. He threw them down the toilet and flushed it, watching the water turn pink and the tissues swirl into oblivion, while wishing it was that easy.

Like every other time he did it, the relief he felt a few minutes ago was gone. In place of it was embarrassment, and wishing he could take back what he just did. He made it worse, because he promised himself he would stop, just like the time before this and the one before that, but as always he let himself down.

Dean managed to hide the evidence of his weakness through layers, and excuses. If anyone asks, he always replies with a lie. He remembered what Sam asked him earlier, if he was okay. It was always the same damn question. And each time, like the pathetic coward Dean was, he replied with the same lie. I’m okay. He wanted someone to talk to him about it. He wanted to yell, to shout, but all he could do was whisper he was okay and move on. People seemed to accept that answer, and went on with their lives.

The creaking of the bathroom door was what snapped Dean out of it, and he spun around, coming face-to-face with Sam. He let out a small breath and plastered on a false smile, hoping that would cover for what he had done. Yet Sam managed to see right through his facade.

“Dean,” Sam began to ask, “What’s took you so long?”

Dean lied again. “Nothing Sammy, I was just thinking. I’m fine, really,” he said running a hand through his hair.

Sam gave him a suspicious glance and looked like he wanted to say something, but he wisely kept it to himself.

Dean laughed and grabbed his shoulder, about to lead him out, before Sam stopped him.

“Wait, Dean. Is that…blood?” Sam demanded.

“N-no, why would you think that?” Dean stuttered and shook his head.

“Well, maybe because there’s a stain of blood on your shirt!” he snapped.

Dean thought of another lie before responding. “It’s from the hunt, that’s all.”

Sam stared at him. “Dean…it was a salt and burn, and we didn’t come in contact with the ghost at all, how could it be from the hunt?”

Son of a bitch, he thought. Why did his brother have to be so damn smart?

“Dean, no more lies,” Sam said, tired of his excuses. “Where the hell is it from.”

Dean couldn’t do it anymore, so he broke. He told Sam all of it, every thing he’d done since his trip to hell. And the way Sam had looked at him, he knew it was a bad choice. He knew he’d have to see someone, to get help. It was the wrong idea, he knew it. But he almost felt safer now, more secure. He hoped Sam wouldn’t run. That would break what was left of his miserable heart.

And he was right. Sam engulfed him in a hug, telling him how sorry he was he couldn’t be there for him when he needed it most, apologizing for not noticing the pain he caused on himself.

For once in his life, he had a small glimmer of hope, that maybe, everything would be fine. He would never be same again, but there must be a way, there would be way to get past this. And when it was all over, he would know that he was loved, he was worth something, and he mattered.

And that small piece of hope was all he needed.

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