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absurdthirst · 6 months ago

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Mother's Day Surprise {Joel Miller x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 11.4k

Warnings: Menstrual blood/cramping, violent attack, near death, surgery, comma, mentions of blood and disturbing scenes, recovery, assistance with basic needs, helping Joel shower, confessions of feelings, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, pull out method, mentions of family planning, breeding kink, dirty talk, cream pie, infertility, depression, feelings of worthlessness, death, harsh and cruel world, babies

Comments: Helping Joel Miller recover from a horrific attack leads to a life you never knew possible.

**🚨🚨 Contains spoilers for Season 2 of The Last of Us🚨🚨**

A/N: Happy Mother's Day to all those lovely moms out there and anyone wishing to become one in the future. Being a mom doesn't necessarily mean biologically. 💜

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

**Follow @absurdthirst-writes and turn on notifications to stay up to date on all new fics.

|| MasterList || Joel Miller MasterList ||

Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

You grunt, squinting as you struggle to see in the dark. It's the middle of the night, the sun not yet peeking through the curtains, and you wonder why you woke up until your stomach twists and you realize you're wet between your thighs. "No. No. No. No." You cry, tears in your eyes as you scramble out of bed and rush into the bathroom, shutting the door behind you. You shove your shorts down and sob at the blood that's gathered there. You got your period. Again. You sit down on the toilet and gather some paper to clean yourself up while you try to smother your cries but there's a knock at the door and Joel's voice resonates through it, "are you okay, sweetheart?" He asks and you choke out, "the bed." Joel walks over to turn the lamp on, his eyes widening at the blood on the sheets. "Oh sweetheart." He sighs, resting his forehead against the door frame. "I'm sorry, baby. I - I am useless." You sob and he rattles the door handle, "let me in." He demands and you flush the toilet, washing your hands before you open the door. Joel immediately wraps his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. "We will try again." He promises, "I didn't give up when I was recovering and we won't give up now." He assures you while you sob into his chest.

He sighs, not even going to deny his own disappointment, although people who used to know him in the Boston QZ would never believe it. Joel Miller, disappointed that you aren’t pregnant. The very obvious sign of his seed not taking root staining the sheets of the bed you share. He shouldn’t want a child. He’s closer to fucking sixty years old than not, just a few years shy and yet he finds himself wanting to see you round with his child. His second child by blood, his third in his heart. Ellie is staying with Dina tonight, so he doesn’t have to worry about waking her up as your sobs wrack your body. “You aren’t useless.” He soothes, frowning when he remembers your emotional words. Standing in the bathroom, he wishes there was something that he could do, fertility doctors from twenty plus years ago were a thing of the past. Most people do not want to bring children into this fungi infested world, but here in Jackson, he has hope for the future. Hope for a chance to pass on a legacy.

You cling to him, knowing he's disappointed. Lord knows you've been trying enough but you just can't seem to get pregnant. It's like you are cursed and you wonder if Joel's injuries hurt your chances.

****

You gasp when you look up to see a mangled man carried into the hospital. You set your cup of coffee down and stand up, the resident doctor rushing around to try and stop the bleeding. "What the hell?" You ask and a teenage girl is clinging to his hand as the team try to wheel him into the surgery room. "Joel. Joel. Don't leave me." She pleads, tears in her eyes, and you reach for her. "He's in good hands, sweetheart. Come here. Let the doctor work." You manage to drag her away and she wraps her arms around you and sobs, "I didn't know - she nearly - they nearly- it's all my fault." She chokes and you rub her back, frowning at the doors where the man disappeared.

Hours later, the door swings open and the doctor comes back through, his work scrubs stained with blood. Ellie had been impatiently sitting and leaps out of her seat. “Is he alive? Where is he? I want to see him.” She demands, making the doctor lift his hands slightly. “He’s alive.” He reassures her, making her tense shoulders slump with relief and tears prick her eyes. “There was massive trauma to the head, and-“ Ellie interrupts him. “Of course there is, that bitch tried to beat him to death with a fucking golf club.”

Your eyes widen at the news that he was nearly beaten to death. You wrap your arm around Ellie’s shoulder. She had rambled about how Joel saved her, how much she loves him, how he’s the father she never had. Her words made your heart melt and you silently prayed he pulled through. “It’s going to be a long road to recovery. For now, we will monitor him and see if he pulls through the night. It’s touch and go still.” The doctor warns Ellie who nods, “he will pull through. Joel is a stubborn fucker.” You chuckle and rub her upper arm, “let’s get you something to eat and a shower and we can come back when he’s settled in a room.” You suggest and she’s reluctant to leave but the doctor nods, “he’s unconscious. Will be for a few days at least. His body needs rest. Go get some food and he will be waiting for you.” Ellie nods and lets you guide her to your house. Her home needs to be cleaned up and you don’t want her to see the aftermath of the battle that occurred in her home.

Joel had put up a fight. Furniture is broken, the mirror in the hallway - one he had grumbled about every day when it showed him how old he is - is shattered. Shards of glass and spurts of blood splash the walls. Ellie grimaces and stops at the blood stain on the floor right by the open front door. Obviously no one had cared about closing up the house when rushing Joel off to the hospital. “Right.” She sighs, turning when she hears someone running towards her. “Ellie! Fuck, is Joel alright?” Breathless, Tommy stops in front of the teenager and his face almost begs her to tell him that his older brother is okay. “I tracked her, but she got away.” He explains; that being the reason he wasn’t at the hospital earlier. “She went to the river and I couldn’t track her from there.”

Ellie straightens her back, shaking her head, “that fucking bitch.” She growls and you answer Tommy’s question. “Joel had surgery. He’s unconscious right now. Still in the air as to him waking up without brain damage. The doctor did the best he could but it…it was bad.” You admit and Tommy closes his eyes, needing to see his brother. “I need to see him.” He says and you nod, “he’s unconscious still. I’m going to get Ellie changed and get her something to eat.” You tell Tommy who reaches out to squeeze Ellie’s shoulder. “Get something to eat, kid. I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Tommy promises and Ellie doesn’t say anything else, going quiet. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat.”

You nod, “go clean up. I’ll get started on trying to clean this up.” You tell her and she makes her way upstairs. You sigh, looking over at the pool of blood and you feel sick. You’ve always had a crush on the older Miller brother since he arrived at Jackson, but you’re certain he doesn’t even know you exist.

****

You check Joel’s pulse, his eyes moving beneath his eyelids. He’s still unconscious, has been for a few days, and the hospital isn’t equipped with equipment to test brain function. All you can do is watch and wait to see if he will wake up.

Joel hurts, every inch of his body hurts and it feels like he’s trying to move mountains just to open his eyes. Fingers twitching and he opens his mouth, groaning quietly.

You gasp when you hear him groan, watching his eyes flutter, and you let go of his wrist, calling for the doctor. The doctor comes in and you gesture to Joel, “he is waking up.” The doctor nods, checking Joel over, his bandages wrapped around his head, and they had to shave his head to perform the surgery. You wonder if he will be angry about losing his hair. Ellie is in the waiting room so you head out to see her. “He’s awake.” You tell her and she stands up, “he is. I want to see him.” You shake your head, “the doctor is checking him over. Let’s give them some time.”

It takes a long time to understand what the doctors are telling him, frowning in confusion and wondering why his head feels like it’s been squashed like a grape. Moving is slower and he hisses in pain when he learns that his ribs have been broken and his leg is also fractured. Opening his mouth, it’s hard to get a word out. “E-E-El-Ellie.” He manages, needing to see her.

The doctor nods, “she’s okay.” You escort Ellie into the room, wanting her to see her father is awake, and she rushes over to the bed. “Joel. Joel. I’m sorry.” Ellie chokes, reaching for his hand. He groans as he squeezes her hand, silently assured that she’s okay.” You watch their reunion with tears in your eyes from the doorway.

“D-d-don’t bl-ame y-your-self.” Joel rasps out, still fuzzy on what happened. He doesn’t remember anything much before waking up in the hospital. Although he gets the sense he was angry- desperate. He groans in pain when she lunges forward to hug him, but he doesn’t push her away.

You watch Ellie hug him and you know in that moment you’ll do whatever you can do to make sure Joel gets better. Ellie pulls back after several moments and the doctor checks Joel’s vitals. “He needs some more time here so we can observe him.” Ellie nods at the doctor’s words and you walk over to rub her back.

“I’m going be honest, Mr. Miller,” the doctor tells him as he pulls back. “I am surprised that you even woke up. There was significant bleeding and swelling of the brain. Tests seem positive but there could be damage that hasn’t manifested itself yet.” He tells Joel. “It’s going to be a long road to recovery for you.”

Joel doesn’t say anything. He was nearly murdered. He knows he shouldn’t be alive right now. Ellie sniffs as she steps back and Joel attempts to squeeze her hand. The doctor grabs his clipboard and looks at Joel’s recent vitals. “Waking up was half the struggle. Let’s monitor you and go from there.” The doctor says, “and we will keep running tests.” Joel grunts out an “okay” and you offer him a smile, “you’re a fighter just like Ellie said. She’s lucky to have you.”

You’re familiar to him, he can’t place it, but his thoughts are still fuzzy and jumbled. “How- how long have I been here?” He asks after a moment. “Three days.” Ellie answers and he frowns. “Who- where have you been sleeping?”

Ellie says your name, “I have been staying in her house. She has been cleaning our house because there was too much blood and - and it was a mess.” Ellie reveals and Joel’s eyes are hazy as they meet yours, silently saying goodbye thank you and you nod in response. “Just focus on getting better, Ellie and I are enjoying some girl time.” You tease, winking at Ellie who chuckles.

****

Joel stays in hospital for two weeks and you look after Ellie, preparing his home for his return, and when the doctor declares him fit to leave, he says that he needs someone to look after him. He still can’t shower by himself, he needs help eating and he struggles to walk alone. It’s going to be a long recovery for Joel. “I can help,” Ellie says without hesitation as Joel sits on the edge of the bed.

“You can’t help me do everything.” Joel grunts, knowing that he could never allow the teenage girl to help him shower or get to fucking bathroom. “I- Tommy-“ his brother has been by to visit every day, and he’s talked to him about taking Ellie. He doesn’t know how he will manage, but he also knows he can’t burden Maria and their baby with his convalesce.

“Tommy is out of town on a scouting mission.” Ellie says, knowing Joel’s brother was set on revenge for his brother’s condition. He just had to track Abby down. “I can help.” You volunteer, feeling close to him despite not having a full conversation with him. Spending time with Ellie, hearing her stories about Joel and his bravery had made you fond of him. “I can help him at home.” You offer and the doctor looks to Joel for his answer.

His eyes slide to you, unsure why you would volunteer to help him, but the doctor immediately nods. “That would be a good idea.” He agrees. “You can check his bandages and make sure that he doesn’t get an infection.” He smiles at the three of you like it’s a done deal and Joel frowns slightly, not sure if he likes the idea of you helping him.

You nod, noticing Ellie’s grateful smile, and you look at Joel, “it’s for the best. I can monitor your health and help you. I’m a nurse. It’s a medical decision.” You tell him and he grunts, knowing he doesn’t have a choice. He’s discharged and you wheel him to the doctor’s truck, knowing Joel won’t be able to walk home. You arrive outside of the house and Joel grunts, “I can walk.” He doesn’t want a wheelchair so you let him wrap his arm around you to guide him into the house. “Take your time.” You reassure him, “no need to rush.”

The shuffle is slow and painful, making him huff in irritation that he can’t move like he would want to. Even as he’s gotten older and been slower, he’s been able to move how he wanted to. Now, in a cast and recovering from nearly dying, he needs help. Ellie jumps forward to open the door and he’s glad to see that the scene that had been left from the attack you told him about has been cleaned away. He will have to thank you for that. “Fuck.” He pants, out of breath and in pain just because of the short walk from the truck to the house. “I don’t know how the fuck I’m getting upstairs.”

“We moved a bed downstairs.” You tell him, “you won’t be going upstairs for a while.” You escort him into the living room and help him settle down on the bed. He’s only wearing socks so he groans as he sits down and you help him lay on the bed. “You need to rest as much as possible. Let me get you some water. Are you hungry?” You ask, helping him settle against the pillows.

“Can you cook better than the shit they served at the hospital?” He grumbles, having not enjoyed the food there. He’s relieved to be home and his head hurts a little bit less today than before. He’s got a plate covering the fractured portion of his skull and they actually had to remove a large chunk of the bone.

You chuckle, “I like to think so. I’m glad your appetite is back. What do you feel like? I make a mean mac and cheese.” You adjust his pillow and Ellie comes to sit down next to him. “She’s a really good cook. Like really good. I’ve been helping make cheese and we even made a cake.” She tells Joel with wide eyes, shocked at how this place is like life in books she read.

“Sure.” Joel agrees, the little fissure of pain at the mention of a cake isn’t as rough as it might once have been. The last night she had been alive, Sarah had wanted a cake desperately for Joel’s birthday. “Make something the kid likes.” He suggests. “I eat anything.”

You smile, liking how he caters to Ellie, and you know that Ellie told the truth about the man she considers a father. “What do you want, sweetheart?” You ask her and she nods, “Mac and cheese.” You ask if she wants to help you while Joel gets settled in and Ellie follows you into the kitchen so you can get started on the food and you pour Joel a glass of water. “You want to take this to Joel?” You ask Ellie who takes the glass and takes it to her father figure.

Joel listens to the sound of people talking in the kitchen and it’s so strange. He can’t make out what’s being said, but he can hear voices. It’s almost unsettling that there is someone else in the safe, cozy home that he and Ellie have managed to carve out for themselves. Tommy told him that Abby, the girl who had attacked him, was the daughter of the doctor he had killed to save Ellie. His past sins were coming back to haunt him, but he doesn’t regret not letting the teen sacrifice herself for a lost cause.

Ellie comes back out to hand Joel the glass of water and he takes it, taking a sip. “Thanks, kid.” He says and she sits down at the edge of his bed. “I- I thought I was gonna lose you.” She whispers, her brown eyes meeting his, “I was scared.” She admits and Joel feels his chest tighten, tears stinging in his eyes. “But you didn’t. I survived and I ain’t going anywhere, kid.” He promises, reaching out to squeeze her hand with his free one. “She been looking after you?” He asks her, jerking his chin towards the kitchen. “Yeah. She’s been great. She cleaned this place up. Made sure I ate and showered and slept while worrying like fuck about you. She’s a good one.” Ellie says and Joel trusts her opinion. You hear what Ellie says from around the corner, some homemade chips in a bowl in your hand and you smile, liking that she trusts you. You carry the bowl in and set it down , “hope these are good. We fried them earlier today.” You say, looking between Ellie and Joel.

Joel’s brow raises and he nods. “Thanks.” It hurts to nod so he just sends you his thanks with his eyes. “For taking care of her and me now, I guess.” He sips the water and grunts when the cool liquid slides down his throat to quench his thirst. “I’m sorry for all the cursing I will be doing.” He warns you, knowing he’s never been a good patient.

You chuckle, “curse away. You’re alive. That’s all that matters.” You promise and make your way back into the kitchen to continue making dinner. It’s going to be a long path of recovery but you’re happy to help Joel get back on his feet.

****

“Shit.” Joel hisses as you help him into the downstairs bathroom to shower. “Do you, uh, I can help take off your pants.” You offer, cheeks burning as you try and help him shower for the first time since he left the hospital.

Joel isn’t a shy man, never has been, but the idea that you have to help him bathe like he is a helpless baby makes him burn with embarrassment. There’s not a goddamn thing he can do about it though, his body is still healing and he can’t get his head wet because of the stitches and staples. “Fuck.” He grunt, hoping he doesn’t really embarrass himself. The fact that he’s not gotten an erection since he’s woken up makes him wonder if something is wrong with that function. “Fuck, what the hell else am I going to do? Shower with my fuckin’ clothes on?”

You shake your head, “no. I- I have to help. I’m a nurse. I am a professional.” You tell him even though that doesn’t hold much weight in today’s world. “Let me help you.” You reach in to turn on the water to heat it up and you reach for Joel’s shirt. “Keep still.” You murmur, working the buttons open. He probably prefers t-shirts but the button down is required so he doesn’t jostle his head. He is still weak so he lets you push the shirt off of his shoulders. “Pants next.” You declare and hook your fingers in the sweatpants, dragging them down his legs and he’s naked under them so it's easier for him to use the bathroom. He steps out of them and you try not to appraise his naked form. He’s still healing but he’s gorgeous.

“Sorry.” He huffs, knowing that the last thing you want to do is to help an old man bathe, his still bruised body on display. Luckily, there were still medical supply devices like a chair to sit in the shower to make it easier for him, although he knows you will get wet helping him. His dormant cock twitches slightly and his eyes widen at the sensation.

You focus on looking after him and not on his body, which even though bruised, is still beautiful. You know your clothes will get soaked but that’s okay, you don’t want to strip off and make him uncomfortable so you step into the shower and help him sit down on the chair. “Temperature okay?” You ask and he nods. You grab the soap you made last week and hold it out. “You want to do it or shall I?” You ask, knowing you’ll need to wash his face so he doesn’t get his head wet.

He hates to admit that he’s so damn tired after getting into the shower, he just wants you to do it. Grunting, he shakes his head slightly and winces when he feels a little pain. “Just do it.” He tells you, not wanting this to become some kind of pissing match. “Feel like a damn baby.”

You nod, “I understand but this is the best thing for you, honey. You need to focus on healing. You nearly died so being showered isn’t the worst thing in the world.” You put it in perspective for him. You lather up your hands and work on washing his back. He groans and your stomach twists with forbidden arousal. He’s injured, recovering, you shouldn’t feel attracted to him.

“Does it hurt?” Your soft question is almost arousing, murmuring in his ear but he grunts. “No.” His voice comes out raspy and raw. “Feels good.” He’s still so damn sore and your hands on his skin feels like a massage. “It’s feeling really good.”

You continue working on washing him, mindful of his bruises. “Good.” You murmur, “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” You say as you massage the soap into his black and blue back. “Tommy tried to find them but they were gone.” You reveal, “they are gone.”

“It’s my fault.” Joel murmurs quietly, closing his eyes and trying to forget the moment he had killed that doctor, but it plays behind his lids. “How could you deserve something like this?” You snort, but he sighs softly. “I killed her father.” He reveals. “He was a doctor, for the Fireflies. They believed Ellie was the answer to a cure.” He opens his eyes, frowning. “They were going to remove her brain.”

You gasp, your hands freezing on his back. "They - does she know?" You whisper and Joel shakes his head. "She can't." You declare, having gotten to know Ellie enough to know that she would sacrifice herself. He nods, "I can't - I lied to her. I can't lose her." He confesses and you rub his back, "you won't. Secret's safe with me." You promise, "you didn't deserve this, Joel. No one does. This world...it's cruel but we have our little piece of paradise here. We just gotta protect it."

Even though he knows it would never absolve him of his sins, your words are a balm to his spirit. Soothing him and making him relax even more. “It’s nice here.” He murmurs softly. “Sarah would love it here.”

Ellie had briefly discussed the daughter that Joel lost on Outbreak Day and you rub his shoulders, “we are lucky. Not QZ, not the Wild West. We are safe and our commune is thriving.” You hum, “Ellie is lucky to have you.” You murmur and he hisses when you press a little too hard, “I’m sorry.” You grab the rag and lather it up, “you, uh, want to wash your -” Your cheeks heat up at the thought and he takes the rag without a word.

Joel washes his groin quickly, gritting his teeth when his long neglected cock starts to stir from the simple touch and the smell of your soap. He has noticed it every time he gets your help to use the bathroom and he is now covered in it. “Help me.” He grunts, trying to push to his feet so he can wash his ass.

You wrap your arms under his armpits, helping him stand and he grunts as he washes his ass. When he’s done, you rinse him off and shut off the water, grabbing the towel around his waist. “You good?” You ask and he nods, “yeah. Just feel like a fucking baby.” You chuckle, “at least you don’t need breastfeeding.”

“Fuck.” He huffs and blurts out, “that would be more fun,” before he even realizes how inappropriate it would be. “Shit, I’m sorry.” He grunts, blushing slightly.

You snort and smile, “I think we are beyond apologies now, huh?” You say, knowing you’ve helped him to the bathroom and now helped him shower. “Let’s get you redressed and I’ll heat up the soup I made earlier for you.” You tell him and grab the clean clothes you set aside for him.

His bedroom is what used to be the downstairs office. It’s got some doors for privacy, but more often than not, they are kept open until he needs to change. It makes it easier. “I didn’t ask, how do you like that bed?” His bedroom upstairs had become yours since they had broken down the smaller bed from the third bedroom. Joel wouldn’t let you sleep on the couch, telling you he could piss in a bottle in the middle of the night if he needed to. You deserved to sleep in a real bed for helping him.

“It’s good. Nice and comfy. I have no complaints.” You tell him, knowing your roommate, Sandra, will be enjoying the peace and quiet on her own in your house. “I hope it’s comfortable here.” You help him pull the shirt over his head and you kneel down so he can step into the sweatpants.

“It’s a bed.” He’s going to be uncomfortable regardless of where he is because of how badly he had been beaten. The only reason he’s alive is because she had started swinging on other parts of his body besides the head. “I think I’ll appreciate it more when I can move without wanting to cry.”

“Not too long now. You’ve overcome the worst. You’ll get there in the end.” You promise him, “you’ll get better. Ellie needs you.” You pull the sweatpants up and stand up, patting his chest. “All clean.” You smile and guide him to sit on the bed. You swing his legs onto the bed and stand up, “I’ll go get your soup, Miller.”

He watches you go, his eyes dropping down to your ass, not for the first time either. This time though, there is a punch of lust that his body responds to. Making him grunt and reach down to adjust himself slightly. You are beautiful and now that he has spent time with you, he can see why Tommy called him a lucky bastard.

****

You spend eight weeks looking after Joel. Helping him bathe until he can manage himself, feeding him, making sure he has water. It’s your priority and you are so happy he’s recovering well. He can walk properly now and the bruises have faded. “You want some cake?” You ask Joel as he walks into the kitchen where Ellie is trying to lick the spoon of the jam you made to go in the sponge cake.

“God, yes.” Joel groans, the irony of cake not being lost on him. You have been positively spoiling him and Ellie and he hates to think about when you will leave. He’s getting better and it’s about time you go back to your own life. “Are we doing a shower tonight?” The stitches are out, but he still has staples and needs help in the shower.

You nod, “yes, sir. Gotta make sure you avoid a nasty infection. We don’t have any oral antibiotics left.” You sigh, knowing that even if someone found some, they’d be expired. You and Ellie put the cake together and you cut out a slice for each of you. Setting the plate down in front of Joel, you love the way he smiles at you. It’s been impossible to keep your affection for him at bay. You’ve fallen for him, knowing that you will have to return home at some point but the grumpy yet funny man has gotten into your heart.

“Thanks.” He sends you a grateful look and sets his elbows on the table as he waits for you to sit down. “It smells incredible. You seem to enjoy cooking, or is it just something you do because you know Ellie can’t?” He teases, making the teenager huff and roll her eyes. “It’s not like I’ve had a chance to learn, man.”

You giggle and nudge Ellie, “you’ve been learning. You’ll get there. No, I, uh, I love cooking. Always have.” You admit, “I missed it a lot when I was on the outside. Cooking rabbit on a fire isn’t quite the same as cooking in a warm kitchen.” You sigh, forking up a bite of the cake.

“Yeah, campfires are temperamental, and cooking on them is even worse.” He snorts. Ellie chuckles. “When you would let us have them.” Joel shrugs slightly. “It’s dangerous out there.” He reminds her. “Hell, it’s dangerous in here too, but it’s better than out there.” He glances towards the entryway where he had collapsed when Abby nearly beat him to death.

You notice his glance and you realize once again how close to death he was. “You’re here now. Hopefully you don’t have to go back out there anytime soon.” You reach out to squeeze Joel’s hand and he smiles at you, his fork in his other hand, “you are safe for now.”

You have been incredible, and it’s almost amazing to see how you have slipped past the shell of his heart, something that only Ellie has managed since Tess. It’s hard to believe Tess has been gone as long as she has, but Joel has been slowly trying to heal emotionally as he heals physically. Thoughts of you have crept into his waking hours, causing some embarrassing moments in the showers when he gets hard, or you wake him up from an erotic dream that features you.

****

“So, the doctor gave you the all clear. Just to be careful and not do too much.” You smile at Joel as you enter the living room after the doctor left. He had done a full assessment of Joel and called his surgery a miracle - the fact that he survived is a gift from God. Ellie is out visiting Dina and you sit down next to Joel on the sofa, “I guess I can get out of your hair now. You can have your bed back and I’ll go back to my place.” You finish softly, sad to be leaving him.

Joel wipes his hands on his sweatpants, still wearing them out of habit over the past few months. “You’re probably happy as hell to be getting away.” He snorts as he looks over at you and wonders how you have become even prettier than before. He’s crazy about you, how kind you are, how you have taken Ellie under your wing and how you never rebuke him for when he gets sad and introspective. You have helped so much and he hates that you are leaving. “Maybe I need to get the shit beat out of me again, make you stick around.”

You chuckle, shaking your head. "No need to do that. All you have to do is ask me to stay and I would." You confess and your eyes widen at the way you blurted that out. You close your mouth, turning your head to stare across the room, avoiding those dark brown eyes. "I'm sorry. I-" You begin but he interrupts you. "Stay." You turn your head to look at him again, "what? You - you want me to stay?" You ask, feeling breathless.

He rolls his eyes at your question and huffs. “Do you think that I’m getting hard every time you help me shower because getting clean turns me on?” He asks bluntly. “I’ve been trying to think about anything else but you, but nothing works.”

You stare at him in shock, “I- I can’t believe - I just thought you were horny because you couldn’t jerk off.” You snort and close your eyes for a second. “I think about you. All the time.” You admit, reaching for his hand, “I had a crush on you before I came to help.” You tell him honestly, “always thought you were handsome, but now that I know you? You’re - fuck, I love you.” You confess just as breathless as your prior revelation.

His own breath stops, caught in his chest as you confess your feelings. A year ago, hell - a few months ago, he would have been denying that you felt that way. Ignoring it or being unable to respond in kind because his world was still ground to a halt, but that had changed. You and Ellie, that attack, it had changed things and made him realize that even though he had lost so many, he still had those to live for. He lunges forward and presses his lips to yours. “Love you too.” He murmurs as you gasp.

You can’t believe he’s kissing you but you reach up to cup his cheek, pressing your lips back to his, and your heart is pounding in your chest. You shift closer, cupping his other cheek and you rest your forehead against his when you pull back, caressing his stubbled cheeks. “I love you, Miller.” You smile, unable to fathom that the man you’ve fallen for loves you too.

He's panting and his heart is beating wildly in his chest. Already turned on again and starting to tent his sweats and all you've done is shared one kiss. Reaching up, he caresses your neck and shoulder. "Are you sure? I'm fuckin' old, baby." He jokes. "And a little decrepit."

You shake your head, "you're not decrepit. Or too old. I love you, Joel. No matter what. Hell, if I can look after you like I have and still think you are sexy, you're good to go." You promise with a giggle, sliding your hands down to his chest. "And I haven't stopped thinking about you between my thighs. Inside of me." You confess in a hushed tone.

The kid is off with her friend and Joel groans quietly, having thought of nothing else for the past few days. "I don't know if I can perform worth a shit." He admits with a shake of his head. "Haven't cum since I woke up."

"I don't care. Just want to be close to you." You murmur, "don't care if you cum right away. I can ride you." You want to be close to him, to feel all of him. "I keep thinking about how you'd feel inside of me."

He's still in his downstairs bedroom and he nudges his nose against yours. "Close the doors." He rasps out, nodding towards the French doors that close off his makeshift space. "I don't want to tire myself out trying to get upstairs."

You stand up, hands shaky as you shut the doors and turn to face him. You take in the details of his face, his head shaved from his surgery so his hair is growing back patchy but he’s still so attractive. You reach for the hem of your shirt, pulling it over your head and you swiftly remove your bra. Hooking your fingers in your leggings, you push them down along with your panties to stand naked in front of him. “I’ve seen yours, figured it’s only fair if you see mine.”

"It gets bigger." He jokes, aware that you have seen and politely ignored the times he's gotten hard from you helping him in the shower. "Fuck, you are beautiful." He praises breathlessly, eyes drinking in your body as he licks his lips. It's been a long goddamn time since he's been with someone, the last person was Tess, but he feels like he's about to bust if he doesn't touch you.

“So are you.” You respond as you walk towards him. “So brave. A fucking fighter.” You murmur, shifting to straddle him as he sits back on the bed. His hands immediately find your ass and you chuckle, knowing he’s watched it enough times. You cup his cheeks and lean in to kiss him, “wanna see if it gets bigger.” You joke, grinding down onto the tent in his sweats.

Joel groans, twitching underneath you and he knows he won’t have any problem performing. The problem might be that he doesn’t please you before he cums. His hand slides around your waist to dip between your thighs. Hissing when he finds you starting to get slick as he starts to slowly rub your clit.

“Oh God.” You pant, rocking down onto his hand. It’s been far too long since anyone touched you and you are whimpering at the way his thick fingers rub your bundle of nerves. You tilt your head back and he leans in to kiss along your neck, your fingers digging into his shoulder as you absorb every touch.

He groans as he learns your body. He and Tess had been comfortable, completely familiar with each other and what the other liked. The whimpers and groans rockets his arousal higher as you grind down against his fingers and he feels like he’s going to bust in his sweats. Turning his wrist, he presses his thumb against your clit and slides his fingers through your slick folds so he can press them inside you.

“I want to touch you.” You whimper and he shakes his head, “not yet. Otherwise this will be over sooner than you thought.” He grunts and you rock onto his thick fingers, stretching you out in the most delicious way. “Fuckkkk.” You exhale as he presses his finger against that spongy spot inside of you. He’s good. He knows what he’s doing.

He loves the way you respond to him, how wet you get. Sliding his hand up and down your back as he kisses along your shoulder and down to your tit. Wrapping his lips around a stiff nipple as he continues to pump his fingers in and out of your wet heat.

“Shit.” You hiss, caressing his head as he suckles on your nipple like he’s trying to root. It has you quivering and you’re so close. So many nights of imagining how he’d touch you has led to you getting worked up faster than you have ever known. “Joel. Oh God, Joel. You’re gonna make me - I’m gonna-” You don’t finish your cry as you cut yourself off with a strangler choke and clamp down on his digits, soaking them with your cum.

“That’s it, fuck, good girl.” Joel pants against your breast as he pumps his fingers to help you ride out your orgasm. “You’re so goddamn good to me, ain’t ya? You creamin’ all over my fingers, making me harder than a fucking rock.” He coos praises into your skin, enjoying the way your nails bite into his shoulder through the shirt. Your pretty cunt soaked his fingers and he can only imagine how good you will feel around his cock.

His words make you choke on your breath as he works you through your orgasm. You never imagined he’d be so dirty but you love it. “Fuck, baby. Yes. I need - I need you inside of me but I want to suck your cock.” You whine, reaching down to tug on the hem of his shirt, wanting him naked beneath you.

“You can’t.” Joel moans, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t last a minute. And I want to feel you, fuck, imagined it so many times.” He pants, pulling away from the back of the bed so you can pull his shirt off. “Maybe- later, if I can get it up again.” He chuckles.

You pull his shirt over his head, still mindful of his injuries, and you slide your hands down his chest, admiring his broadness. “You’re so sexy.” You murmur, reaching down to pull his cock out of his sweatpants, wanting to see him in this light. You’ve seen his cock plenty of times but now you know he’s hard for you and it’s intoxicating. You pump him and he groans out a warning so you shift to lift your hips, positioning him at your entrance and you slowly sink down onto him.

“Fuuuuuuuuck.” His hands grip your hips harshly and he clenches his jaw as you take him. You are hot and tight like a glove around his cock, clenching around him as your walls flutter. Your ass presses against his thighs and he rocks his hips up. “Fuck, that’s - fuck, gimme a minute.” He begs, feeling like he’s about to cum. “Let me- calm down.”

You nod, stilling on top of him, and you caress his chest. He exhales shakily and you lean in to kiss him, “take your time, baby. I’m in no rush.” You promise and kiss along his jaw, loving how he stretches you out.

It’s been so long since he’s felt this close to anyone, your breath blows against his skin and he shivers. Closing his eyes as he holds you still. “Fuck, I love you.” He murmurs quietly, aware that this is something that he shouldn’t even have, he should have died. But he’s here and he’s going to live for the moment and bask in the forgiveness of your touch.

You close your eyes at his words, loving how he caresses you, and you tilt your head to look at him. “I love you too. You’re so much more than you think you are.” You murmur, caressing his cheek, and you experimentally rock your hips. His groan makes your stomach clench and you rock again, starting slow as he moves inside of you.

“Shit.” He hisses quietly, opening his eyes to watch as you start to move. “You’re so pretty, so fuckin’ pretty.” He promises as he starts to slide his hands up and down your back. “You feel so good, does it feel good for you?”

His words make your heart pound in your chest and you nod, “feels so good. You feel so damn big inside of me.” You confess breathlessly, “stretching me out. It’s been so long since I had sex. You need to- to pull out so tell me if you’re close.” You remind him, not wanting an accidental pregnancy right now.

Joel grunts, looking into your eyes as he nods. “I will.” He promises. Safe sex isn’t really a thing to be had but hopefully there’s not something to come of this. You are right to remind him. “I’m good baby, ride me.”

You take his word and start to move faster. Your hands gripping his shoulders as you start to move on top of him, moaning at the way he twitches inside of you. "Fuck, you feel so good." You pant, chest heaving as his cock curves just right inside of you.

Joel grunts and leans forward to press his lips to yours, biting your bottom lip after he kisses you. Your breasts brush against his chest and he pulls you closer, craving the feel of your skin against his.

You moan into his mouth, loving how strong her feels, how he’s recovered and he’s stronger for it mentally. You rock down onto his cock, loving the way he twitches inside of you, and you are getting close. Just the feel of having the man you love inside of you is pushing you higher. “Oh shit.” You whimper when you find the right spot and you reach down to rub your clit, pushing yourself closer to the edge.

“That’s it pretty girl, making yourself cum.” Joel groans, watching you touch yourself with dark eyes. It’s so sexy and he can’t get enough of it. “Make yourself cum on my cock. I want to feel it, see it. Show me what you look like.”

You nod, mouth open as you work yourself higher until you finally fall over the edge. A cry escapes your lips as you cum, moaning his name and you clamp down on his cock, soaking him while your orgasm rocks through you.

His eyes roll back in pleasure as he feels you squeezing him and he knows he will be cumming any second. “Sweethea-rt, you gotta-“ he grits his teeth as he jerks your body up off his cock so he can keep his promise to you, panting as he spurts all over his stomach and chest.

You watch him as he cums and you love it. The way he looks is intoxicating and you lean in to kiss him. “Fuck, I love you.” You murmur, leaning in to kiss him as he pants your name.

He kisses you back eagerly, reaching for his shirt to wipe away the mess so you can lean against him. “Fuck, that was- I can’t even-“ he chuckles quietly and kisses you again. “What do you think about moving in permanently?”

You smile as he looks at you, his dark eyes soft, and you cup his cheeks. “Yes. Absolutely.” Your smile turns into a grin, excited to explore this next step with Joel. “I was dreading going home and I would miss you and Ellie like crazy.” You confess, “I want to stay.”

“Good.” He pauses for a moment and then he admits, “it’s felt like a proper home with you here. Ellie, she loves you too.” He tells you softly. “I think she imagines we are a family.”

“I imagine that too. She’s like a daughter to me.” You confess, “I want to make this a home and I want to be yours. Be in your bed every night. Be by your side no matter what.” You promise and Joel smiles, cupping your cheek, “sounds amazing, baby.”

****

“Joel.” You say his name as he takes a sip of whiskey. Ellie is watching a movie with the other kids in the barn and you decided to cook a romantic dinner for Joel, wanting to ask him something. He looks at you and you tilt your head, appraising him. You pick up your glass and take a sip, your throat suddenly dry. “Everything okay, baby?” He asks and you nod, squaring your shoulders. “I want a baby.” You announce, bracing yourself for him to say no.

Joel freezes, waiting for the familiar ache to take over his chest. For this vision to blur and his breathing to turn into short bursts as thoughts of Sarah take over. As the sounds of her rapid, panicked last breaths fill his ears. It never comes.

He doesn’t panic at the thought of having a child that could remind him of Sarah. Ellie does in some ways, but she’s a completely different type of girl. One raised in the world outside the safety of the walls of Jackson. If you had a child here, they would be innocent in some ways Ellie was not, more like Sarah. “A baby, huh?” He murmurs after a moment. “With me?” He asks. “I’m nearly sixty, baby. You want that?”

You sense his hesitation and you feel like backtracking but you think about the nights you’ve spent awake pondering this, weighing the pros and cons of having his baby in this world. You reach for his hand, “I know and I still want it. Spending time with Ellie, helping with your nephew, it’s made me realize that I can do it. It’s hard, always hard being a mother, but I’m ready and I want a baby. I want a baby that will carry our legacy, a baby that will grow up safe and capable. We will make sure of it. Unless you don’t want that, which is - it’s fine. I’ll handle your decision. We both have to want this, Joel. Not just me. Don’t do it for me. I want you to want this too and if you don’t, then that’s case closed.” You promise, not wanting to pressure him.

Joel squeezes your hand gently, reminded of the nights he had woken in a cold sweat, sometimes from the broken memories of him being attacked or the memory of losing Sarah. You have been right beside him, offering him comfort and solace. He’s told you about that night, sharing with you memories that he has kept bottled for over twenty years. You had cried in his arms like you had been Sarah’s mother, assuring him that he had done everything right to try to protect his baby girl. The fact that he’s not immediately said no is very insightful and he bites his lip and watches you with a softness that even a year ago, he was unsure he was capable of. “It’s been a looooong time since 2 AM feedings and my hearing is shot.” He snorts, smiling slightly. “You’ll have to poke me to wake me up if you want me to get up with a baby.”

You smile, loving the way he has agreed to having a baby with you. “You’re forgetting the best part about deciding to have a baby….” You trail off and smirk, “the trying.” He returns your smirk and you giggle, standing up from your seat and you round the table to sit in his lap. “I love you.” You murmur when you’re settled in his lap, reaching up to caress his cheek. “I want you to fuck a baby into me, Joel.”

“Fuck, that’s hotter than I ever imagined.” Joel grunts, twitching underneath you. His sex drive isn’t completely on par with yours, but he keeps up and keeps you satisfied in other ways. You’ve told him you don’t regret being with him at all. Which is another balm on his battered soul. “You want me to cum in that pretty pussy?” He asks, squeezing your ass. “Imagined how you would look dripping me a few times.”

You moan, kissing along his jaw as his words wash over you. “I want you to cum inside of me. Put a baby in me.” You plead, wiggling on his lap. His hair has grown back now, more gray in it, but you love it, and you reach up to run your fingers through his hair.

He groans and captures your lips with his, licking into your mouth immediately as the easy passion blooms between you. His hands move to start stripping you down.

It doesn’t take long for you and Joel to be naked. You stumbled up the stairs to your bedroom, clothes scattered on the trail upstairs and when you lay down on the bed, Joel is immediately hovering over you. Your heart is pounding in your chest and his hand slides along your thigh, cupping your pussy. “I don’t want foreplay. I just want you. Want to feel all of you.” You murmur, caressing his shoulders.

There are times when you want the burn of his cock stretching you out and tonight is one of those nights it seems. That’s good because Joel is impatient to get inside you. He takes his cock in hand and pumps it a few times as he shuffles forward to press against your entrance. “I love you.” He murmurs.

He pushes inside of you, stretching you out, and you gasp out “love you too.” He pushes inside of you until he’s fully seated and you take a deep breath, enjoying the weight of his body on top of yours and the weight of the moment. Deciding to take this step together has your body primed and ready for him. He starts to move inside of you and you wrap your legs around his waist, moaning at the way he rocks into you.

Nearly dying hadn’t had the lasting effects that the doctors had feared when Joel had been brought in. His thrusts are steady, if not a little harder than normal, although he keeps the pace sedate. Not rushing, but he enjoys burying himself as deep as he can go and watching your eyes roll back in pleasure. “Gonna knock you up.” He grunts out.

His words make you clench around him, your hands sliding down his back to squeeze his ass. His recovery has been a miracle from the man who was on death's door to the man currently making love to you trying to get you pregnant. You whimper when his lips find your neck and you rock your hips up to try and meet his.

Every time the two of you come together, Joel remembers how lucky he is. His kisses trail along your throat as he groans into your skin. Both of you give and take from each other. “Fuck, baby.” Joel moans, his body tensing when you clench down around him again. “You gonna cum before I fill you up? Love it when you soak my cock.”

You nod, "yes baby. I - shit - you always feel so good." You slide one hand down between you so you can rub your clit. He immediately bats your hand away after shifting his weight onto one elbow. You moan when he rubs your clit just right, his hips pushing into your ass as you take him deep inside of you. "Shit. Joel. You - I'm - God." You cry out as you clamp down on his cock, soaking him.

“That’s it, good girl, goooooood girl.” Joel moans, clenching his teeth as you come apart around him. He feels his own body is ready to cum, excited by the situation and it only takes a few more thrusts. Instead of pulling his hips back, he plunges them forward, embedding himself deep as he paints your womb with his seed. “Fuck, fuck.” He pants, closing his eyes as he rides out his orgasm, amazed at how good it feels. “You’ll be pregnant in no time.”

You smile against his lips when he leans in to kiss you and you’re so hopeful for the future with Joel. A baby that looks like the two of you combined. You are excited and when he pulls out, you keep his cum inside of you, trying to make sure that it takes. You’ll be pregnant in no time.

****

“Sweetheart….I’m supposed to go ride the southern border and check the area.” You’ve quieted down over the past few hours, but he can still see the sadness lurking in your eyes. You’ve stopped blaming yourself but he knows those thoughts are bouncing around and he’s reluctant to leave you. “Do you want me to have Tommy go? Stay here with you?”

You shake your head, eyes sore from crying, “no baby. Just go. I’ll be fine. Ellie will be back soon.” You murmur, keeping your back turned towards him. You feel useless, you feel broken, and you feel exhausted. You’ve tried so hard to get pregnant. You even researched old wives tales about how to get pregnant. You’ve taken herbs, teas, anything you can to get pregnant and after trying for so long, you’re exhausted.

He worries about you, leaning over and pressing his lips to your forehead. “I’ll be back as quickly as possible and I’ll make dinner tonight.” He offers. It’s the historical Mother’s Day today, and he knows you will be extra glum since you are once again not pregnant. Sometimes he wonders if he should just tell you that he’s changed his mind, taking the guilt and worry about it off your shoulders. You can blame him for not having a child. “Okay?”

“Sure.” You murmur, closing your eyes as a cramp contracts in your stomach, making you curl into a ball. You really thought this was it. Your period was two weeks late and you didn’t tell Joel because you wanted to surprise him and then you got your period. You sniff and Joel sighs, shuffling out of the bed to get ready for his shift. You can’t blame him. He’s had a kid. It’s got to be you that’s the issue.

He’ll look for some wildflowers for you while he’s out. They always make you smile and tonight, he will do his best to make sure that you know that no matter what, he loves you. He thinks about all this while he puts his clothes on and brushes his teeth, coming out of the bathroom to find you still curled up. “Go soak in a hot bath, baby.” He suggests, walking over to the bed and kissing your cheek. “I’ll be back soon.”

You listen to him go and you know it's technically Mother's Day today. Salt in the wound. You swallow harshly and wait until the front door closes before you allow yourself to sob again. You can't believe you aren't pregnant. You've tried so hard. Maybe you aren't meant to be a mother.

Saddling the horse and getting let out of the gates of Jackson has Joel on autopilot. Most often the scouting parties are in groups, but today had been just singles, most men in the community wanting to spend time with their wives and celebrate them. The grass is green and lush; there's a certain beauty to the mild spring transitioning into warmer weather. Urging the horse forward, he is eager to finish the patrol so he can get back to you.

You have your bath, eyes sore from sobbing, and you try to come to terms that you’re never going to be a mother. It’s just not in the cards. You love Ellie and you think of her as your daughter but you wanted a baby, a combination of you and Joel to love and care for in this new world. That isn’t going to happen and you curl around yourself in bed after you’re dry, trying to cope with that fact.

Pulling the reins, Joel listens carefully, certain that he has just heard a cry. His hand goes to his rifle to pull it off his shoulder. Wary of traps or ruses to draw unsuspecting people in, he scans the area. Silence lingers long enough until he’s almost convinced he was hearing things when there’s another, louder cry. A baby. His eyes widen and he nudges the horse forward again. “Hello?” He cups his hand and calls out, wondering if there is a group traveling nearby. There must be, if there is a baby. Mountain lions and things that can sound like a baby crying are farther up in the mountains. Instead of the sound quieting, the crying turns into screaming, giving him a direction to head towards. Joel keeps his rifle up and guides the horse with his knees when he almost stumbles upon the scene.

“Shit!” There’s a woman lying on the ground, face down with a carrier on her back, a small baby - no more than three or four months old - screaming from the restraints. He scans the areas again, looking for a trap, but there’s nothing moving. The baby's howls prompts him to dismount and move towards the woman, his rifle pointed at her until he reaches them and nudges her with his boot. Wondering if she’s been changed and cannot get to the baby, although he’s never seen one go dormant with a human around and making noise. “Hey…” prodding her doesn’t make her move and Joel scans the area again, the open range not a good spot to plan an ambush, but someone could be hiding in the tall grass. Carefully kneeling down, he grabs a bony thin shoulder and turns the woman enough to see that her gaunt face and shrunken eyes are lifeless. “Shit.” He hisses, looking back at the baby who is almost as bad as the mother. From what it looks like, this poor woman had been traveling to find shelter, food, anything for her and her baby and she collapsed less than two miles from salvation.

Joel sighs as he sets the rifle down and rolls the body on its side. “I’m sorry.” He murmurs quietly, his heart clenching at the reality of the situation, reaching out to close the woman’s eyes before unbuckling the strap for the carrier that is across her chest.

Ellie returns before Joel does and you offer her a smile as she says hello. “I, uh, I made you something.” She says, handing you a piece of paper. It’s a card. “Happy Mother’s Day” it says and your heart clenches. A genuine smile on your face as you realize she made this for you. You open it and tears sting in your eyes as you read her scrawled handwriting. “Thank you for being the mom I never had.” She wrote and you choke, reaching for her. “I love you so much sweetheart.” You pull her close, reminded that you have a beautiful daughter who loves you. “I love you too.” She murmurs, holding you just as tight. The front door opens and you pull back as you hear a baby crying. “Joel?” You gasp when your partner walks into the kitchen.

“Ellie….go to Tommy’s and get a bottle.” He orders the teenager as he starts to pull the baby carrier off his own chest to take the baby out. He had brought the body back, but this baby needed milk as soon as he could get it for her. “I found her,” he explains. “A woman collapsed two miles away from Jackson, she starved to death.” He motions you over. “At least, I think it’s a girl.”

Your eyes widen as he cradles the baby and you reach out to take them into your arms. The baby’s diaper is dirty and you shush them as you walk over to grab an old dish towel from the drawer as a makeshift diaper. “It’s okay, sweetheart.” You coo, unwrapping the baby on the kitchen table and you tell Joel to get a wet cloth. You work on cleaning up the baby, “it’s a girl.” You announce and wrap her in the dishtowel, using the pin from her old diaper. “It’s okay sweetheart. You’re okay, sweet girl. You’re safe and we are going to get you milk.” You promise, cradling her as you turn back towards Joel. “Her poor mother. So close to salvation.” You sigh, shaking your head at the tragedy.

“I brought her back.” Joel tells you quietly, watching as you bounce the baby girl in your arms and coo at her to calm her down. “Hoping something in her bag would tell us where she’s from, what the baby’s name is.” He sighs softly. “I couldn’t leave her out there.”

“Her mother deserves a service, a burial. We must give this little one a place to visit her mother.” You murmur, stroking her cheek. She’s gorgeous, her eyes watching you, and you try to not get too attached to her, knowing that Maria and Tommy will be handling the situation.

Ellie comes bursting into the house. “Got a bottle!” She yells, thundering down the hall to rush into the kitchen. “Tommy and Maria are coming too.” She pants, quickly handing the full bottle of milk to you. The baby is obviously hungry because the second that you brush the nipple against her mouth, she shakes her little head furiously as she tries to get it in her mouth, crying out before the nipple is in and immediately starting to suckle hungrily with great, greedy gulps.

“We will need more. Tommy and Maria have everything for a baby. We - they should take her.” You murmur, knowing it will be hard to hand the baby over but she isn’t yours and the leader needs to make a decision on her placement.

Joel takes one look at the way you hold this baby while she’s eating and knows that’s not what needs to happen. This baby is your chance to be a mother, to feel like a mother. It’s like it was fate for him to be out there and find her today, to bring her to you. “I think we should keep her.” Joel tells you, coming up and laying his hand on your shoulder. “Tommy and Maria have a lot on their plate with one baby already.”

Your eyes widen as you look at him then back at the baby. “We - us - are you - Joel.” You whisper, a soft smile on your face as you dare to hope that you can keep the little girl. It feels wrong. Her mother just died, but she can’t be left alone. She needs someone to look after her.

The front door opens. “Joel?” Tommy’s voice floats through the house and Joel keeps looking at you with the baby. “In the kitchen.” He calls out. The guards at the gates had kept his horse with the poor woman’s body and he had known Tommy and Maria would come to find out what the hell happened, but he wanted to get the baby here first. Footsteps quickly sound out, two sets of them like he expected and the baby is still greedily sucking away at the milk when his brother and sister in law come into the kitchen.

You look up as Maria walks in, her baby strapped to her chest, and she immediately comes over to see the baby in your arms. “Oh, she’s a sweet little thing. She needs fattening up. Poor girl, her mom was so close to our gates. She needs a mother. You should be her mother.” She says and you stare at her, “are you sure?” Maria smiles, stroking the head of her son. “She needs a mother and you are a more than capable applicant.” She gestures to the way you’re holding the baby. “I- I know this sounds insane but I feel like this is my purpose.” You murmur, looking down at her as she suckles.

Tommy smirks at Joel, who is obviously relieved by the decision. He’s talked to Tommy about the issues you’ve had trying to conceive and wished that there was some way for you to figure out what was wrong, but there just aren’t the medical resources here in Jackson. Joel had even been thinking about trying one of the universities, but couldn’t risk it again. “We both feel that way.”

You smile, cooing at the baby. “Did we find out what her name is?” You ask and Tommy nods, holding up a note that was in the mother’s satchel. “Her name is Hope.” Tommy reveals and you smile, “Hope.” You murmur, pulling the bottle away when she’s done. You shift her to your shoulder to burp her and you cradle her once she’s burped. “She’s our hope.” You declare as you look at Joel and he comes over to wrap his arm around you, looking down at the baby. “Our new daughter.” Joel murmurs, kissing your hair and he beckons Ellie over. “She’s kinda cute.” Ellie says and leans in to stare at the baby. “Hi Hope. I’m Ellie. Your big sister. I’ll teach you everything you need to know. Especially about our grumpy dad.” She jokes and Joel chuckles and rolls his eyes. “We will gather everything you’ll need and we will make sure her mother has a proper burial. For now, you guys settle in as a family.” Maria says, stepping back towards Tommy. “Oh and Happy Mother’s Day.” Maria says to you and you smile, “you too.” You may not be able to have a biological baby but you have Ellie and you have Hope. The two girls who have made you a mother.

#pedro pascal #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x you #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller imagine #hbo the last of us #tlou #Happy Mother's Day

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dumbseee · 1 year ago

Text

insecurity.

f1 au/fic: in which, lando and y/n have been dating for a few months, but fans are still talking about y/n’s past relationship. making lando feel insecure and questioning y/n’s feelings for him.

lando norris x singer!reader

(fc: jess alexander)

note: english isn’t my first language so excuse me for the mistakes this might have xx ALSO it’s the first time that i’m actually writing something so i hope it’s not too bad lmao. thank you for reading my aus btw <3

liked by landonorris, maxfewtrell, danielricciardo and 2 799 009 others.

y/n: happy birthday to my sun, you’re such a beautiful soul, i’m so proud to call you mine. i love you to the moon and back and promise to always love you.

landonorris: i love you more baby

danielricciardo: we’re at practice and he’s crying btw

fan1: they’re so absjdkdoldel

fan2: mama y papa

fan3: he always smile so brightly when he’s looking at her :(

fan4: i’m sorry but i can’t help but think about y/n’s ex… on the same day last year she was posting pictures of him

fan5: @.fan4 don’t do that… it’s about lando, not her ex

fan6: am i tripping or she also used to call her ex, her « sun »??

fan7: @.fan6 WHAT

fan8: @.fan6 no she didn’t?

lando sighed and threw his phone on his bed. of course he saw all the tweets about you and your stupid ex, how could he ignore them when it was all over the internet. people were speculating about if he was a rebound or a toy for you. lando was hurt, he always thought that you were way out of his league anyways so he should’ve seen it coming, right? you were an amazing and worldwide known singer, with your angelic voice and heartbreaking lyrics. you sang with your heart which made anyone who was listening to you, fall in love immediately.

that’s what happened with lando. he was always a big fan of yours, singing your songs on top of his lungs at parties, and following every single news about you, he even went to your concerts. one day, he went viral for singing your song on the radio with his engineer, he also happened to have made it to p3, which he said was because you were his lucky charm. the video was published online and went viral, you saw it and immediately found it adorable. the rest was history.

when you guys hard launched your relationship to the world, the big majority was happy for you two, happy to see you smile and happy to see that lando managed to get his crush. but a small minority saw that relationship as a rebound for you, saying horrible things about how you never loved lando and how you would dump him in a few months to go back to your one true love, your ex.

lando saw it all. and he hated it.

"lando? are you okay?" you asked, when you went to check in on him. he was supposed to bring a few blankets so you guys could watch a movie together. but he was taking way too much time so you went to see if he was okay.

"do you love me y/n?" he asked you, and the sadness in his eyes almost made you cry. lando’s eyes was what you loved the most about him, with his smile of course, but his gorgeous green eyes were full of emotions, you could drown in them and feel every little thing he was feeling just by looking at him.

"what are you talking about? of course i love you lando." you say, taking his hand in yours and softly kissing his knuckles. you saw him close his eyes and sigh deeply. you pushed him on the bed and sat next to him. "what happened?"

"it’s stupid, don’t worry about it." he finally looked up at you and faked a smile but it didn’t fool you.

"lando. tell me." you were still holding his hand and with your free hand you started to caress his cheek. he closed his eyes again and melted against your touch.

"your fans are still talking about your past relationship and how i’m nothing but a rebound to you." he said it in such a low tone you almost didn’t hear him. but sadly you heard his words and you could feel your heart shatter at how your fans words affected him. "i know that you guys stayed together for a while, and i know that you wrote good songs about him, i listened to them all, but… if you still love him you can-…"

"lando norris." you said in a serious tone, which startled him. "how am i supposed to love anyone else when you stole my heart and refuse to give it back?" his eyes lit up a little by your words. "and i literally wrote 56 songs about how much i love you so you better listen to them all once again and never doubt my feelings for you ever again, boy."

liked by landonorris, carlossainz55, charlottesiine and 6 808 009 others.

y/n: ‘you are in love’ is officially out ;) little gift from me to you sweet lan <3

maxfewtrell: lando listened to it and locked himself in the bathroom to cry

landonorris: @.maxfewtrell FAKE NEWS

danielricciardo: i wish someone would write 57 songs about me…

heidiberger_: @.danielricciardo excuse me? (great song btw y/n!)

liked by y/n.

fan1: ZKSKSLXPODOSOZ

fan2: y/n making haters eat their words with one song: queen behaviour

fan3: i hope haters will stop hating on lando now how can you say that y/n is using him as a rebound

fan4: CALL 911 IM ON THE VERGE OF DEATH

fan5: y/n writing a love song for lando on his birthday :(

fan6: i love them so much pls

fan7: that whole drama about her ex was so dumb, they broke up for a reason and y/n also wrote songs about how awful he was to her towards the end of their relationship, why do you guys want her to go back to that dog?

liked by y/n.

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nicromancytarot · 6 months ago

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HOW CAN YOU ENHANCE YOUR SEXUALITY (18+)

This is a general reading based on a collective of people. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. If you don’t feel the pile resonates with you, don’t be scared to try another, if it still doesn’t feel right, that’s ok! Maybe our energies aren’t as connected and my readings are not for you.

I do these strictly for fun and educational purposes. I do not charge for these readings, and I do not fake readings. Channeled by me and my guides, using pictures.

I am a feminist before I am human, and I keep seeing people calling women “bop’s” all over the media, which is just another derogatory term to start off a pathetic attempt to suppress women’s sexuality, so let’s see how you can enhance yours, shall we?

(Minors, please don’t interact with this one xoxo)

PICK A CARD READING

I asked my spirit guides how you could enhance your sexuality to better your experience and express your sensuality, pick a pile to see what they had to say!

PILE 1

Blood on the snow by Hozier came on, so you guys could honestly benefit from having sex, or doing some type of sexual “ritual” when on your period, even if it just be a form of self pleasure. I’m hearing that some of you could have your period in cycle with the full moons, it could be a good idea to try your hand at giving yourself a release when the moon is bright and full.

I’m seeing that you guys have an innocent way of expressing your sexuality, I’m getting that you may have been sexualised at a young age, or you feel very infantilised now. Due to this, I feel like it could be good for you to reclaim the thing that people make you feel bad for, wear those frilly clothes, and put that bow in your hair, allow yourself to have your hair beautifully done in some pigtails, however do not allow someone to rip your innocence away from you, just because they see it differently does not mean that they have the right to make that your problem.

Your sex life could be nothing, or very inconsistent, you may be scared of hookups, or need deep emotional attachment in order to have sex with someone, I would recommend building those foundations for safe sexual encounters if that’s what you desire, or allowing yourself to let go of the need for control all the time. Hooking up, or having sex spontaneously does not make you disgusting or easy going, sex is fun and beautiful, it’s the one time that someone sees you at your most vulnerable state, your body undone and intertwined with theirs, but it can also be experimental and exciting, you get to learn new things about your body and figure out what you do and don’t like, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I’m literally getting “smoke a joint” lmao, you may feel like you’re too stressed to have fun with sex, maybe you’re scared of trying new things with your body, some of you could even shy away from masterbation out fear of judgment, or just feeling gross. You need to relax, sex is such a natural thing, and I’m sorry that yours has been so frowned upon from a young age, but you deserve to have fun, to explore your body, and all the possibilities that come with it.

Try a rose toy, possibly a pretty pink dildo, who knows.

PILE 2

I’m feeling that you guys haven’t had sex since a breakup, you’re possibly shying away from being openly sexual since this ending, and it’s hurting you a lot. A number of you feel as though your emotions are expressed through sex, so you’re really finding it hard at the moment to show people how you feel, and now blow up in their face, you’re like a bottle that’s spilling over.

You guys need to loosen up, you either turn to self pleasure a lot or not at all, no in between. You need to find yourself some way of expressing those emotions beside the sex, I’m feeling that your “shadows” don’t come out until night, which I believe was normally when you would partake in these two people sexual activities, which was why it was so easy for you to express yourself during these sexual encounters.

I feel like you need to have someone you trust in order to express your feelings, and for that I would recommend hanging around with your friends late at night, a possible sleepover, so then you’ll tell them exactly as you feel.

Now back to the sex, I feel my shoulders and back tensing up, and I just consciously unclenched my jaw, so I’m feeling that you need to utilise sex in order to relax. With the full moon, you guys might be feeling a tad more stressed than normal, I feel the need to tell you that will pass.

I heard “Italian” so I went to search up Italian sex toys incase that would help you, however I did manage to find a Reddit post that mentions a public vending machine selling dildos for €20, so for that, I am feeling that you need to be more open and willing to try new things, things that are unexpected but exciting, you could benefit from a hookup, preferably not your ex.

Throw them panties aside and enjoy yourself, loosen up, let yourself feel that pleasure that you are clearly so desperately seeking. Have fun, and do it unapologetically.

You could benefit from a bullet vibrator, or a clitoral pump.

PILE 3

You guys struggle to go with the flow, you let things happen, but they happen in a stylish way, you are the type to have a bed rocking time, and then complain about your favourite blanket getting dirty, before getting up and grabbing yourself something to eat. You ride the tide, and possibly something else. I think you like to be in control, but you struggle to get attached. You may have quite a few hookups, maybe you forgot about self pleasure and rely on other people to do that for you.

What would happen if you laid in bed by yourself, cracking open a pomegranate, letting the juice paint your chest like you’re its canvas, would that help you lose control? I’m seeing a need for mess, your body becoming covered in the red tint of the pomegranate, or maybe you’re eating a peach and letting the juice run down your chin, do you like fruit?

I’m getting a natural vibe to things, I think you need things to be natural, rather than so controlled. After having sex you’re going ahead and making yourself a bowl of nachos, how long does that take you? You have the add the nachos, then the cheese, some sauce, chillies, you putting guacamole on there too? It’s all too controlled.

Grab yourself a tub of ice cream and let someone go down on you, or give yourself a vibrator for that same effect.

Just lose the control.

This is random, but honestly probably a great exercise for you, I want you to put on some makeup, tons of mascara, lots of lipstick, or gloss. And then I want you to smudge it, stare at yourself in the mirror as you ruin your makeup, don’t try and redo it, don’t get upset or angry, don’t even hesitate, watch yourself as you allow your mind to let go of the need for perfection, the need for control.

Hell, drink a cup of coffee at night, just do something that will stop you being so authoritative when it comes to sex, also, stop being on top, just for a little, let your sexual partners take the lead this time.

You don’t need to be in control.

you could benefit from a rotating or thrusting dildo, or a travel/pocket vibrator.

#tarot #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #free tarot #tarot witch #tarot reading #tarot cards #pick a card #pick a pile #18+ tarot reading #18+ tarot #sexuality

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just-a-ghost00 · 4 months ago

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What's your life purpose?

Trigger warning : the content of these readings may be touchy. My intention is never to hurt or make anyone feel uncomfortable. Feel free to stop reading if it is too much to handle.

Group 1 - Rollerblade

Cards : Shadow, Compassion, Power, 9 of cups, Hierophant, 9 of swords

This felt very emotional and very specific but for some of you your sole purpose is to come out. Is to finally be yourself unappologetically, to get out of your shell and express your true nature. This will speak to anyone that considers themselves queer or wonders about their identity in general, whether it's about genders, sexuality, fashion, beliefs. Your purpose is to hep other people do the same. To raise awareness and compassion about being out of the norms, thinking and feeling outside the box. To empower people so that they can be themselves without feeling ashamed or fearing other people's opinion. Your purpose is to help people feel secure in their beliefs and feel fulfilled, to stop worrying about the future or whether they'll ever be able to be free. You're here to help shift paradigms around the notions of identity, norms and beliefs. Some of you may have faced public shaming in the past, whether it is in this lifetime or previous incarnations, surrounding your sexuality and/or your appearance. I was picking up specifically on World War II. There might be people amond your ancestors that were persecuted for similar reasons. I'm feeling very emotional doing this reading. If that is something you have gone through, I am sincerely sorry and I hope that you will no longer suffer the pain of being rejected for who you are. I'm getting the feeling of people being demonized because of their beliefs and wrongly accused of things they had nothing to do with. Your purpose is to help people get rid of such karma, to cleanse and purify transgenerational wounds surrounding sexuality, body image, cultural differences. Especially for women. And one of the ways you could be doing that is through art and/or entertainment. Like dancing, rollerblading, singing, painting. I asked for further information regarding hobbies or careers that you can pursue to accomplish your purpose and you got Self Love and The Explorer. So the general answer would be anything that gets you to explore and deepen your sense of self love. If I'm getting more specific, I'm thinking of modeling, yoga, group therapy, reiki, hypnose, meditation, sound healing. Since Self Love depicts a peacock, the activities have to have a connection with beauty/aesthetics/the body somehow. I'm also thinking of tantra. For some it could be related to surgery. Like helping people transition from one gender to another.

Keywords/signs/extras : In the shadows - The Rasmus, bats, ravens, crows, Pisces, Taurus, life path numbers 9/5, pride, rainbows

Group 2 - Lips

Cards : The Warrior, The Universe, Sacred Sexuality, 6 of swords, 10 of pentacles, 4 of cups

There are possible future public speakers among you. And also artists such as graphic designers, digital artists because when I started to do your reading, my drawing software just randomly opened when I didn't even click on it. So if you were hesitating about starting to draw or going digital, this is your sign to go for it. Your life purpose is to bring people together, to reunite people that were seperated. I'm specifically picking up on immigrants, war victims, orphans, people that are homeless or that have a precarious situation. Your purpose is to raise awareness about these subjects, to join an organization and fight for these people's rights. Again, the theme of sexuality is brought out here, similarly to group 1. You could be helping out people that had to flee their home in order to be safe because of their sexuality. Your purpose could be to help people free themselves of toxic environments if that is their wish. So it could be helping victims of physical abuse, domestic abuse, victims of racism/homophobia or any kind of hate crime. I sense some influencer energy coming from this group as well. In all cases, your purpose is to provide people with a safe space where they can either live freely or share their truth. So you could be creating an app to gather people facing the same issues or to put in contact people that are willing to help with people who are in need of help. You could be using your social media and your status to raise awareness about specific causes. You could be getting legally involved by filing lawsuits, by protesting, by adopting. You could be helping people with their administrative papers. There are so many ways this can be done. But I'm getting a very proactive vibe from your group. If group 1 was more about providing moral and emotional support, you are more of the kind to go to the trenches and fight the battles. So some of you could even literally fight by applying for the military. The 6 of swords can indicate travel and we also have the Universe card so this would make sense. Also you could be donating money, funding the construction of shelters for instance.

Keywords/signs/extras : Aries, social media, roses, cranes, dogs, mountains, river side, Indestructible - Disturbed, letter S, life path numbers 1/6/9, NGOs, Not today - BTS

Group 3 - Disco ball

Cards : Patience, The Magi, The Weaver, knight of pentacles, 10 of wands, The Star

Some of you could be tarot readers or use any other form of divination. If that is not your case now, you have the potential to be. You also have the potential of being a public figure. And by that I mean an important one. Kind of Beyoncé level or any other artist that you can think of that you like, no matter the field. It could be acting, it could be film making, it could be fashion design, singing, dancing, ice skating. Anything. Writing also seems really significant. Your purpose is to guide other people. To help them weave their way through illusions and obstacles. To help them move forward and lighten their load so that they can shine their light onto the world and be the best version of themselves. We also have teachers here, coaches, spiritual practitioners of any kind, healers. You bring people to life. You help them give birth to projects. It could be litteral. As in you help moms give birth to their beautiful babies. You help new souls come to life and navigate through this world. I'm picking up on One Piece and Magi references. Specifically I was thinking of Nami and Basil for One Piece. As for Magi I was mainly picking up on Aladdin. I did some research on these characters, especially Basil because I didn't know this character that much and it turns out Basil's ability uses Tarot. He's a fortune teller. When it comes to Aladdin, he's one of the most powerful magicians and his lineage is beyond great but he has no idea because he doesn't remember his past and part of his powers are tied to his memories. He is destined to save his world and become the most powerful wizard of his era but has to fight a lot of enemies to do that. So it could be that you won't reach your full potential until you've uncovered some of your past life memories / traumas. Also you may be facing a lot of challenges and opponents on your path. You may meet a lot of naysayers or a lot of people trying to distract you from your truth and your calling. So that could transpire in your work environment, in your family, in your group of friends. You might notice people hating on you for no reason. That's because your light and power disturbs them. Since there are a lot of magical mentions it could be that some of your ancestors were accused of being witches and persecuted because of that. That might be part of the past life memories you have to deal with. Or you might be living in a country / city that has a lot of legends surrounding witches/wizards (i.e. Salem in Massachussets, Rouen / Orléans/Domrémy in France for their history with Joan of Arc, Britain when it comes to Arthurian legends, New Orleans, Greece with Circe / Hecate, Russia with Baba Yaga and Rasputin, Ireland with the Morrigan, Northern Africa for Kahena).

Keywords/signs/extras : life path numbers 1/8/11/22, psychic abilities, magic, snakes, moon cycles, cranes, stars, Aquarius, Gemini, Youtiful - Stray Kids, wizards

#pick a card #spiritual pac #pac reading #oracle cards #tarot reading #just-a-ghost

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artsymeeshee · 1 month ago

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Hello! I just found your laundry list of art last week, and I have to say…I LOVE IT! Love the instinct comics, Ford being cool never ceases to make me giggle, and I loved the autumn drawing. I’ll admit, that one had me in tears…made be believe in the what-if’s of my own family. What they…could be like someday. Or what I wish they were. Thanks for the tears, they were much needed.

Anyway! This is what I came to message you about! Although,…I am extremely sorry for the late message. I tend to check back into tumblr at…weird hours of the night. Heck, it’s almost the next day as I type this. I seriously need to sleep more. So! I had a few thoughts on Stan and Ford relationship, and I wanted to hear your thoughts on it. Just a disclaimer, I’m kinda basing this off my actual life as I find these characters mirror personal events very closely! I am also a writer and soon to be author! Might post some archive of our own content about these two soon. Also, and this is the most important, I have NOT read book of Bill yet. So plz…no spoilers. Anyway, long introduction aside, let’s begin!

In my personal head cannon of these two, which I don’t imagine is “too” different than how anyone else could see them, Stan and Ford have an extremely awkward and emotional conversation after Weirdmagedon. Why? B/c they’re both, to some degree, emotionally numb. In my opinion, why wouldn’t they? They haven’t spoken to each other in 40 years, properly, and they have repressed a ton of their emotions since then. It’s hard to bring that back up. (Speaking off of experience) I’d say even harder for Ford. Stan, thanks to the twins, has learned to loosen the locks on his heart while Ford kept running away from those emotions to defeat Bill. Just like his ambitions, that was the main priority, and everything else later. To me, this would explain why Ford never bothered to talk to Stan properly since coming back during the show. He wouldn’t know how to. If they were to talk, and this is where the writer in me comes out, I’d write Ford as the one that needs it most. He’s been traveling dimension for decades, running from the past that held him back…but he has no anchor now. Stan becomes that anchor, paralleling what he wasn’t when Ford was lost. And Ford…he just breaks. Like, completely breaks. And Stan is there with him, breaking like he is, but still there for him brother. Finally back after all those years apart. And as someone who has been on the side of neglect from one’s own brother…nothing would be me happier if we went to connect. Just like Stanley and Ford. And eventually, soon to be sailing on the seas to connect even more.

Phew…that was a lot. Sorry for the rambling. Told you I had some ideas! So, what do you think? Do you see Ford acting like this? If not…why? Genuinely, I’d like to know. Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read this. Again, sorry for the ramblings. Oh! One more thing, I know you aren’t taking art request right now, but would you be open to take them in the future? Say in 2 months time? Anyway, bye!

Well first off, thank you! I appreciate it! :D

And to answer your headcanon, I agree on it. Stan is definitely more open to talking, especially thanks to the kids. I mean there's still moments where it's hard and awkward for sure. And Ford would for sure have a harder time opening up, especially with the constant guilt and mistakes that replay over and over. And there's always that lingering feeling of "well, Stan has to hate me for what I've done" and it's always so surprising when Stan tells him differently and he never once hated Ford. Sure, was angry but never hated him. He had too much self-hatred to feel that way with Ford. And as many times as it needs to be said or repeated, it really makes all the difference when they tell each other how much they love and care for each other. As Alex said, "they're both so damaged, they desperately need each other."

As for the requests thing, most likely not. Only because I'm entering the busiest time of year for my work so it's gonna be a miracle if I even have enough energy or motivation for drawing if I'm not completely burnt out.

#ask #water-god19 #long post

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bangchansgirlsblog · 1 year ago

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Broken Headsets PT 2

-Chan

Warning: A lot of Angst.

Pairing: BangChan x reader.

Summary: where he snaps at you while working.

!Not proofread!

“Baby I’m so sorry, please open up the door.” Chan’s voice echoes through the door and into the bathroom.

My knees against my chest as I was calming down from a panic attack. The sleeves on my sweater now dump from all the tears it was sucking up.

“G-go away” I cry louder. My body shaking and my salty tears freely running down my hot face.

“I don’t…I don’t want to talk to you right now!”

“Babe I’m sorry okay? I didn’t mean to snap like that. Just let me talk to you. Let me hold you. I’m worried. Your going to have another panic attack”

“BangChan leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.” I throw whatever was in my reach at the wooden door. Making him jump on the other side of the door. Now HE couldn’t hold back his tears. He wanted to be able to sort it out because he genuinely didn’t mean to snap Or cause anyone pain.

“Okay I’ll give you some time my love, please don’t be angry with me. I’m sorry.” His voice now low and quiet. I had no response because I was so angry and so hurt by him.

I wasn’t being dramatic right?

The sound of his footsteps disappear down the hall making me quickly but softly wipe my tears away and get up to wash my face. The cold water making my body shiver. I stare at myself. Hair up in a bun, eyes red and eye bags deep from all the lack of sleep. A fucking mess.

The front door slamming was what made me jump getting me out of the trance I was in. Had he left? I pick up the container that was on the ground due to the fact I threw it and open the bathroom door.

I find Berry sat in-front of it as if waiting for me. I give her a soft smile and pick her up.

Walking through the house looking for any sign of Chan but there was none.

I glance at the clock and it read 12:45. Anger rises up my chest once again because how dare he leave the house at this hour knowing how much anxiety I have when his out late? Such a selfish bastard!

Get home.

I send him a text and switch off my phone to look around. A mess the house was.

“Shall we clean up Berry?” I look at the dog in my hands who didn’t even seem to be bothered by anything. “I swear I talk to you more than I talk to Chan” a chuckle leaves my lips when she starts licking my face.

“Now come on let’s get started.” I place her down and pick up things and put them away. My body needing the distraction but my mind and thoughts running at a speed of lightning.

Emotions running through “my mind and soul”. Cringe lol.

2:30 am.

The sound of the clock ticking was starting to irritate me and craw under my skin.

Worry slowly crawling up my chest. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he okay? Where could he be?

I hated myself for putting my self through this because after the little stunt he pulled causing me to sit in the bathroom crying my heart out for 2 hours begging for someone to come save me. I was still sat in our living at 2:30 am waiting and wondering where he had gone too.

Did he leave me? Surely he hadn’t cause all his stuff was still here.

My feet slowly taps the floor, something I do when I’m nervous. I tag on my sweater which is now stretched out due to the constant pulling. The material laying between my fingers feeling very satisfying.

“Why do you have to do this to me Chan?” I say softly, talking to myself.

The house was quiet once again like I’m used too.

The lights were off except for his studio room led lights that were on and passing through the glass window.

Berry was now sat on my lap cuddling me because I knew she sensed the stress my body was going through. She always just knew and she always tried to cuddle of just play around whenever Chan or I where going through something.

A sigh leaves my lips. I was tired. I needed sleep but I needed to know if he was safe.

I check my phone to see if he had responded but nothing came through and when I was about to set down the phone it stars to buzz making me jolt up. Han’s name pops up with a picture of me and him when we were at an adventure park in Japan.

I quickly pick up the phone hoping that somehow Chan was with him and they were doing some project.

“Hello?” My voice rough but still soft from all the crying.

“Hey baby.” He says softly from the other end of the phone.

“Hey..”

“Are you doing okay?” He asks, I could hear the nervous tone in his voice.

“Mhm” a hum in response.

“Channie Hyung is with us in the dorms okay? He showed up here really upset so we told him to just stay over until everything is calm,”

I feel my heart break into pieces. Was he really that upset that he didn’t want to stay in the same home as me? He knew how I hated when he didn’t sleep at home.

“Oh, okay that’s alright. Thank you for letting me know,” I tell him. A weigh being lifted off my shoulder because now that I knew he was safe I could sleep or so I thought.

After hanging up the phone. I slowly put Berry aside and cleanup the cold plate that’s till say on the table and decide to finish up the dishes.

The scent of soap filling my nostrils and a warm liquid running down my face. Tears.

Who would have thought that I would be here at the age of 25 doing dishes at 2 am while crying.

My vision was blurry and my legs were weak. My heart beating fast as I could hear it in my ears.

My face was hot and my body trembled from the heart aching sobs that left it.

I couldn’t be under this much stress.

It wasn’t good for the baby.

Pt 1 ⬇️

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logan-lieutenant · 3 months ago

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i didn't win the wheel: episode 1

(if anyone knows how to make gifs 🥺 please help me out until then it's shitty screenshot summer)

Alex: "I'm gonna say... 400,000."

Logan: "I'm gonna say 430,000”

ok cool let's introduce the WHOLE DYNAMIC of this episode in one still, shall we? alex is looking directly into the camera pondering the shit out of this question, and *this is logan's face*. look at that. look at that fucking smirk. alex is like "you know what? i'm going to get this question right" and logan is like "you know what? i'm gonna use the oldest trick in the pick-a-number-1-through-10 book and i'm gonna WATCH you get annoyed with me and i'm gonna love every second of it." he knows what he's doing

Alex: "Oh, you're playing that game, are you? Just gonna go a bit above?"

Logan: *smoothest fucking wink i've ever seen* *the fucking TONGUE CLICK*

ok WHAT. how am i supposed to handle this i– let's start with the fact that even before logan gave his answer he's leaning back, head cocked, gazing at alex ✨like that✨ practically about to do the arm-around-the-shoulder-thing **before** because he knows exactly how alex is going to react. that fucking wink he had that planned from the beginning. even before alex phrased it like "oh, you're playing that game, are you?" which WOAH BRAT TAMER ALEX DID NOT SEE THAT COMING and jesus christ i feel like i'm intruding on something. this doesn't even feel like ao3 this feels like the beginning of a shit 2k word wattpad draft but no this actually happened

Alex (after guessing exactly 1 less than Logan's and getting it right): "Yes!"

Logan (sunshine smile): "You're a donut..."

okay so apparently alex’s reaction to being called a donut 🍩 is that smile and leaning into logan for the first time in the video and giggling and idk fucking blushing like what kind of degradation kink is this... like i'm sorry i love you landoscar but "you freaking muppet! you got all the hangers!" will need to step aside for whatever is going on here

need i remind you this is ALEX'S reaction to kph. logan brought the k in there first guys leave your what the fuck is a kilometer bit behind ok!!! (i'll find this eventually but logan answering that question on "wrong answers only" with "i'm gonna answer this correctly. it's 1.6 to a mile" is the hottest thing i've ever seen)

aaaaaand here we go end of the video. DO I NEED TO DO A SIDE BY SIDE COMPARISON OR WHAT actually–

alright that's the best you're gonna get with preview. but LET'S BREAK IT DOWN. so we go from logan doing literally all of the talking, all of the video introduction and explaining the activity, and alex even with his whole "oooh ray of sunshine" image clearly thinks this is stupid, he even makes little sarcastic hand gestures when logan describes it. and even right in the beginning he's not looking at the camera he looks like an adhd kid sat next to the window (come on alex look alive). but THREE MINUTES of an admittedly stupid game he's done a total 180, smiling and laughing and literally that wasn't that funny but now i'm gonna laugh because you're the one who said it and leaning in to read the cards for the first time and- well logan is mostly unchanged. from the first question he decided his main task for this video was literally just to check out his teammate at point blank range with his emotions very very clear on his face (alex is OBLIVIOUS af but then again he did pull out the "oh you're playing that game are you?" and i was NOT ready for that so who knows)

ok so episode 1 is very much a warmup for the rest of the series i know that. obviously this isn't the "reaching stratospheric levels of homoeroticism that actually leave a wake of collateral damage to all compulsory heterosexuality in a 50 m radius" as charlos but holy shit it's a lot more obvious than i thought!!!

episode 2

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veritasss5 · 1 year ago

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10 advice that you need right now. | pick a card.

Disclaimer: this is a GENERAL READING, take what it resonates and leave behind what doesn’t. This is for fun and should never be taken seriously. This is for entertainment purposes. It is just for helping you to have a general idea about your situation. If it does help you fine I am very happy about it, if not then I am sorry that it wasn’t for you and move on.

Take a moment to relax your mind and choose with your intuition.

(All the art is found on pinterest, if you know the artists please comment their name so I can credit them)

Pile two art is from weibo @/咸鱼中下游

Pile 1 → Pile 2 → Pile 3

Pile 1

1. be happy and content with the things that you have right now. Some experiences happen once and not twice.

2. enjoy your time with friends, family, your lover, anyone that is welcoming you and accept you for who you are. Those moments are golden and they will be a warm memory for your future to remember.

3. clean your room. Having a clean and tidy space can help you to improve your mood. Cleaning your stuff can help you to find stuff to declutter that doesn’t serve you anymore.

4. compassion and kindness can be rewarding for you. Don’t let negative situations affect you, be always kind and compassionate to the right people. You just gave to the wrong people up until now.

5. you deserve a break and vacation. It’s time to visit somewhere that has water like rivers, lakes, ocean, etc.

6. you deserve to be free. Your freedom is one of your rights that can’t be sacrificed.

7. eat more fish. It gives you nutrients to feel energetic, and may boost your brain health.

8. time to look to the future and stop looking at the past. The future is now, the past is gone.

9. you have the right to feel your emotions without guilt. You can cry, be angry and shout. You are human, it’s fine to not be perfect.

10. fill your cup. A cup filled with pure intentions and emotions can help you to welcome the right people that will accept your offer. Be mindful to whom you give your time and energy.

Pile 2

1. choose one goal to focus on. Don’t try to get everything at once. Step by step. All things have their own time.

2. don’t overspend on things that can’t be useful for you. It’s time to spend and invest on things that can help you and have your best interest for your better future.

3. save money. Don’t compare yourself to the people that can’t be compared with.

4. dream big, but go catch on to your dream. Daydreaming and doing nothing can’t help you to achieve your greatness.

5. make your life interesting and aesthetically pleasing to motivate you. Yes, you have something interesting about your life, don’t say no.

6. leave behind everything that is harming you or stopping you to elevate yourself.

7. moon can be very significant for you. Cold night can be significant for you as a metaphor or literally.

8. you don’t need to talk and declare to people what you are going to do. Just do it in silence.

9. right now you have the power to be independent and leave everything behind you to start over from zero.

10. you are able to achieve anything that you desire, just believe in yourself and bet everything on you. You are the best investment.

Pile 3

1. someone betrayed you or disappointed your expectations. Don’t let this slip. Confront them. Better now than later.

2. misunderstandings will be bigger if you don’t clear them as soon as possible. It will look like you are searching for excuses if you don’t address them.

3. bad experience will help you to grow and let you be more mindful and careful of who you confide in and talk with.

4. don’t let bad experiences affect your future. It happened once. Alright, make sure to not fall for the same mistake. But remember there are still people out there that are worthy of your trust.

5. it is time to let go of toxic and negative thoughts and habits. Bad habits create a toxic cycle where it will be harder to break the longer you engage with.

6. you are someone powerful and beautiful. You need to find out your power.

7. there are lessons that will teach you to be confident and strong. Some situations happen because they want you to become better, not to harm you or curse you.

8. you are destined to be independent, charismatic and strong. Someone that can draw people’s attention with your charm and skills.

9. you are very very interesting to know, stop saying otherwise. Be proud of yourself and what you have achieved currently, small or big doesn’t make any difference.

10. trust your gut feelings, they are hardly wrong. Your feelings are valid to be listened to. Let the people hear your voice and see how strong you actually are.

#intuitive readings #tarot cards #tarot reading #free tarot reading #free tarot #free tarot readings #free intuitive readings #oracle reading #pick an image #pick a card #pick a pile #tarot pac #tarot tumblr #pick a card tarot #pick a pile tarot #pac reading #cartomancy #tarotonline

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nicoline1998enilocin · 11 months ago

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Fluffcember Day 4 | The softest pillow

Pairing | Boyfriend!Sebastian Stan x Girlfriend!Fem!Reader

Word count | 4.1K

Summary | You've been dating Sebastian for over five months, and he has invited you to spend the night at his house for the first time. He has planned a comfortable and romantic night for you both, and you've never had more fun staying at home than you did with him.

Warning(s) | Established relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), use of pet name (Sweetheart), small age gap (~ 7-8 years).

Smut | Oral ~ M receiving, throat fucking, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!), creampie, lots of praise, hair pulling, dirty talk, Daddy kink, cockwarming.

Rating Explicit (E)

Request | @buckys-wintersoldier Hey, my lovely big me💞 Listen to me, I'm sure you will love that or I hope you will. You can decide the character you want to use for this one, but could you write a fluffy oneshot that includes these sentences: 1. "No, you can't get up! You're my prisoner for today." (I'm so in love with this one, I found this and now I'm in love) 2. "I remember practising how to ask you out in a mirror." I know they don't fit that well, but I'm pretty sure you will make a wonderful oneshot out of it. Hehe. Thank you in advance, and I love you, big me. 💞

A/n | This one-shot it written for day 4 of my Fluffcember 2023 Challenge. Thank you so much for this sweet request, and I am glad I found the perfect prompt for your challenge! 😉 I want to give a big thank you to @ccbsrmsf1 for proofreading this as always 🎄

Events Masterlist | ''You're my new pillow'' | @buckys-wintersoldier Masterlist | Holding hands | @anyfandomkinkbingo

Banners by @vase-of-lilies | Divider by @firefly-graphics | GIF credit to the owner

Main Masterlist | Sebastian Stan Masterlist

Dating Sebastian has been a true rollercoaster of emotions for you, but only in the best way possible. From you meeting him during an interview a little over a year ago to him asking you to be his girlfriend, it was like a fairytale.

Today is the day you're about to interview the cast of a new movie called The Martian - and today, of all days, will be the moment that you're going to be interviewing Sebastian Stan, your celebrity crush for the last few years.

It will be an absolute dream come true, and you've been endlessly preparing so you can conduct the interview of your life. And not just to impress Sebastian.

The black dress you've wanted to wear is hanging in your closet, ready to be put on, but you pick out some black lingerie before you can do that. It's not like anyone will see it, but the confidence boost it gives you is indescribable.

When you have the lacey fabric on, you admire yourself in the mirror for a few minutes before getting dressed and doing your hair and makeup.

Your hair is in loose curls and up in a ponytail, with a few loose pieces framing your face, and your eye makeup is simple, but the dark lipstick you put on gives your look an exciting edge.

Now, all that's left is to read over your interview questions a few more times and make a few last adjustments before it's officially time to go to your interview.

It's good that you've gotten into the habit of arriving early everywhere you go, and you've arrived about 20 minutes early so you take the time to freshen up in the bathroom.

You don't anticipate anyone walking by when you walk out, and you accidentally bump into a broad chest. You let out a squeal when a pair of strong arms envelop you.

"Woah! Careful there, Sweetheart," the man says with a chuckle, and your eyes snap up to see who the voice belongs to. It is just your luck that you bump into none other than Sebastian, and you're glad he caught you before you could fall.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run into you!" You tell him as he lets you go, but he gives you a reassuring smile.

"It's okay, Sweetheart. It's not every day that someone as beautiful as you bumps into me," he tells you with a dashing smile, making the butterflies you feel in your stomach wild.

When it's time for the interview, Sebastian recognizes you and lets his gaze wander over your body and long, exposed legs a few times. He can't get enough of looking at you.

The interview is over far too soon for the both of you and just when you're about to pack up your stuff and go home to work out the interview, Sebastian stops you.

"I hope I'm not overstepping here, but would you mind grabbing a coffee sometime? If you're from around here, that is," he says, suddenly getting a little shy.

"Well, I'm out here for work until tomorrow morning, but once you're back in New York, I'd love to take you up on your offer since I live there," you tell him, and you can't help but smile.

The thought of Sebastian asking you out makes the butterflies go crazy, and when you see the relief washing over him, you know you made the right choice by saying yes.

"Let me give you my number, and you can text me when you're back in New York if you still want to grab a coffee, of course," you tell him, and he nods furiously before grabbing his phone and letting you put your phone number in it.

"I have to go now, but it was lovely to meet you, and I can't wait to grab a coffee with you when we're home," he says, and he bends down to place a soft kiss on your cheek, his stubble tickling you a little bit.

Little did you know it would be the start of a great friendship and one of the most loving relationships you've ever built with someone. It was your first Christmas together that would change the dynamic, however.

"Do you want to spend Christmas together this year? If you don't plan to go home, of course," Sebastian asks you during your weekly video call.

He's away to film another Marvel movie, but Christmas will be spent back in New York, which is perfect timing for both of you. You haven't seen him for the last three months, and even though it's nice to video call, you miss his hugs, smiles, and touches. You miss him.

"I would love to, but only if you're cooking dinner for me because the lord knows if I do it, there won't be anything to eat for us that evening!" you joke, and Sebastian laughs wholeheartedly, which makes your heart skip a beat or two.

Your crush on him has only intensified over the last year, and he has developed feelings for you as well, but with his busy shooting schedule, you don't see each other as much as you'd like.

Sebastian plans to make it extra special this Christmas and wants to spend the holiday with you. He's been planning on telling you how he feels for a while, and it will be the perfect opportunity to do just that.

"Of course, I'll cook; I'd rather not starve on Christmas, thank you very much!" he quips back, and you shake your head, chuckling at his comment.

It promises to be the most memorable Christmas you have ever spent, and you're glad you don't have to celebrate it alone this year. With your parents living on the other side of the world, seeing them over Christmas is not an option, so you usually take some time off, read a book or two, and relax.

"In that case, I'll gladly celebrate Christmas with you, Sebastian. I can't wait," you tell him, and the weeks leading up to it felt like they flew by.

It is the day before Christmas when Sebastian arrives in New York, and you've offered to pick him up from the airport, which he gladly accepted.

"Hi, Sweetheart," he says as he walks out the doors after baggage claim, hauling a suitcase behind him and a backpack over his shoulders. He's been filming in California for a while, so he has a healthy glow all over his face, making him look stunning.

"I can't believe we're spending Christmas together; it's a big step from having to spend it alone," you tell him softly, getting a little embarrassed that you just admitted to him that you're usually alone on the happiest time of the year.

"Wait, you're always alone on Christmas?! I'm glad I offered to spend it together! Can't have my best girl being alone during the holidays now, can I?" Sebastian asks, and you nod in agreement.

You didn't miss how he called you his best girl, and it made your cheeks heat up, which didn't go unnoticed by Sebastian. You both have this effect on one another, and you wouldn't change it for anything.

The next day, Sebastian rings your doorbell a little after noon, and you've opted to wear a Christmas-themed sweater. When you open the door, you find Sebastian with a Christmas sweater and a present under his arm.

"You look gorgeous today, Sweetheart," Sebastian tells you as he pulls you into his side and kisses your cheek softly. It has yours heating up instantly, and you're feeling very fortunate to have someone as sweet as him by your side today.

The afternoon is spent preparing dinner, drinking hot cocoa, and watching Home Alone, an absolute Christmas classic. When you think this day couldn't be any more perfect, Sebastian whips out an envelope and hands it to you.

I wrote this for you, and I'm sorry if it's a little cheesy, but I figured I go big or go home, and I'd rather not go home, so..." he says, a deep red blush taking over his cheeks and neck as he hands you the envelope.

It's a light pink envelope with your name in his handwriting, and you pull open the envelope to find a small letter inside.

Sweetheart,

The past year, you have shown me what it is like to live life to the fullest, no matter what life throws your way. Meeting you has also brought me immense joy; because of that, I want to ask you something.

Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest guy on earth and be my girlfriend?

~ Sebastian

When you finish reading the little note, you slap your hand over your mouth out of excitement and practically fling yourself into his arms as you pull him close.

"I'd love to be your girlfriend, Sebastian."

His hand cups your cheek before he pulls you in for a soft, sweet kiss. Even though it's not the first you've shared with him, it is by far the most special one, and it is the cherry on top of the Christmas cake.

Today will be your first time staying at Sebastian's house; honestly, the nerves are starting to kick in. He's seen your place a few times and slept there, but this is quite a step outside your comfort zone.

In your home, it's precisely how you like it and where you feel most comfortable, and you've discussed this with Sebastian. He is a true sweetheart because he has repeatedly reassured you that it's okay and you can sleep at home if you don't feel comfortable.

Your outfit has been laid out and ready to go for the last two days, and you can't wait to put it on and officially make your way to see Sebastian because you've missed him a lot.

Between his filming schedule and you flying all over the country to do more interviews, you have little time to see one another, but now that the universe is finally letting you be together, you want to look your absolute best.

After a shower and a thorough grooming session, you're putting your hair into two space buns with a few loose strands framing your face, and your makeup is very natural.

When your outfit is on, and your overnight bag is packed, you text Sebastian to tell him you're about to leave since it's still a 45-minute drive to his house, especially with the New York traffic.

Your work bag is also coming since you'll head straight to work the following day. It's a good thing he lives close to your office because that gives you more time to cuddle up to him, which is one of your favorite things to do in the morning.

What you didn't know, however, is that Sebastian has been preparing for your arrival. Not just by making sure his house is spotless but also by putting a little ''welcome home'' package together for you.

When he's about to step into the shower, he hears his phone go off, and when your name appears on his screen, he gets a wide grin, and his mood is instantly lifted.

''Can't wait to see you soon, Sweetheart,'' he says to no one, and he hops into the shower to prepare for your arrival. His place is spotless, there are clean sheets on the bed, and the care package is waiting on the kitchen island, ready to be unpacked by you.

He went above and beyond by choosing out a pair of the fuzziest socks he could find, as well as a big box of your favorite tea and a cute mug with it, a book from your wishlist you can leave at his place, and a bag of your favorite sweet treats to finish it.

He also has a small black box waiting for later, but that would have to wait until you two are comfortable on the couch because he wants to save it for a special moment.

When he's done in the shower, he quickly dries his hair and puts on a simple outfit before spraying his cologne. Now, he's ready to welcome you at his house and getting nervous because he's unsure if you will like it.

He grabbed the little box he was planning on giving you later and flipped open the top one last time as he looked at its contents. It shines beautifully in the sunlight, illuminating the room through the large windows.

With a small sigh, he shuts the box and puts it in one of the side table drawers next to his couch. It's all he can think about now, but before he can think about it too long, his doorbell rings, notifying him of your arrival.

He jogs to the door, and when he's there, he straightens out his long, dark brown locks and clothing one last time before swinging open the door and welcoming you inside.

''Sweetheart, I'm so glad you made it,'' he tells you as he pulls you in for a hug, and you instantly melt into his embrace.

''Missed you,'' you tell him, though it's muffled by the jacket he's wearing, and it only makes Sebastian chuckle.

''What did you say, Sweetheart? I don't think I got what you said just now,'' he tells you, and you reluctantly pull out of his hold so you can tell him again how much you've missed him.

''I missed you, but I'm thrilled to see you again,'' you tell him, pulling him closer so you can kiss him properly. Your lips fit perfectly with his, and it lights a fire inside of you that instantly makes you want more.

He takes your bottom lip between his teeth and nibbles softly before letting go with a soft moan. It was all just a plan to tease you a little so he could make the rest of the night unforgettable.

Your eyes are half-lidded as you look at him in anticipation, but instead of giving you what you're looking for, he pulls you into his house, closing the door behind you.

''I got you something to welcome you into my home and hopefully make it our home,'' he tells you as he interlaces his fingers with yours. He steps to the side to reveal the little basket on the kitchen island when you're in the kitchen.

''I-Is this for me? You didn't have to do that!'' you tell him, though your curiosity takes over, and you can't resist a peek inside the basket.

You take out everything and look at it, especially the mug he bought for you that leaves you chuckling. When you pick up the book and read the back, Sebastian walks closer to you and pulls you into his chest, his arms wrapped around you and his chin leaning on your shoulder.

''I figured you could leave this here, so you will always have a few things around here that are all yours for the next time you come over,'' he tells you, and you close your eyes as a huge smile escapes.

''I'm glad I'm allowed to come back after today,'' you say as you put the book on the counter and turn into his hold, kissing him softly and slowly until Sebastian bends down and lifts you onto the kitchen island.

''Well, there's one more surprise for you, and you need to close your eyes and stay seated, alright?'' Sebastian asks, and you hum in response, so he walks to the living room and gets the small black box he was holding earlier, unable to wait any longer.

''Alright, you can open them,'' Sebastian says, and he's standing in front of you with the black box open, and your eyes are immediately pulled to the contents of it.

''I want you to have this, Sweetheart, because you already have the key to my heart, and now I want you to have the key to my house as well. I want you to be able to come and go whenever you want to since there's no one else I trust more than you.''

You take the key out of the box and look at it before closing your hand around it and stretching the other one out to take Sebastian's and pull him between your legs.

''In that case, it's only fair if I give you the key to my house as well, but only if you promise not to sneak up on me in the middle of the night because I will knock you out if you do it!'' you tell him between chuckles.

You seal your promises to one another with a kiss, and you put the key beside you on the counter before your hands slide into his hair, pulling softly, earning yourself a groan from Sebastian.

''Let's move this to the bedroom, Sweetheart, and I'll give you a tour of the house later. Right now, I need you,'' he tells you between open-mouthed kisses along your neck and collarbone, your head thrown back to give him access.

He pulls you off the counter, and once you're sturdy on the floor, he whispers something in your ear that has your knees buckling underneath you.

''You'd better enjoy the walk while you still can, Sweetheart, because I'm going to make sure you won't be able to walk for the rest of the day.''

He grabs your hand and leads the way to his bedroom, and he kicks the door shut before he attaches his mouth to yours again, the kiss a clash of tongues, a fight over dominance which Sebastian wins.

You are both undressing one another and when your dress has found its way onto the floor, you're standing in front of Sebastian in your white lingerie with red hearts on it. His breath hitches as he takes it in, his large hands gliding over the soft fabric adorning your body.

''Hmm, it's too bad you're not as innocent as this fucking lingerie makes you look right now, Sweetheart. Luckily, it'll be on the floor soon anyway,'' he purrs in your ear, making you unbelievably wet.

Your long fingernails drag from his chest, over his abdomen, down to his belt, unbuckling it quickly before pulling the fabric of his jeans down. You crouch down with it before sitting on your knees, and you palm his now hard cock through his underwear.

''How about I show you just how not-so-innocent I can be with my mouth?'' you tease him, and you feel him throb in your hand. He throws his head back with a loud groan as he's getting painfully hard now.

You pull his boxers down and throw them to the side, allowing his long, veiny cock to spring free right in front of your face, the red tip already leaking a bead of precum that you happily lick off.

''Tastes so good, Daddy,'' you whine softly, and the grin on Sebastian's face is unmistakable; he's about to ruin you in every single way you can think of.

After a few more small kitten licks on his tip, you take it into your mouth and you suckle softly. And Sebastian removes both hair ties from your hair, letting it fall around your head.

''Much better, Sweetheart, that way Daddy can fuck your beautiful throat like he wants to,'' he says, and your nails dig into his thighs at the idea, making Sebastian hiss at the feeling.

While you're looking up at him with big, glassy eyes, you slowly take more of him into your mouth until your nose is pressed to his pubic bone, and you're choking around his length.

When you pull back, you take in a few deep breaths of the oxygen you have just deprived yourself of, and you smile wickedly at Sebastian, who grabs some of your hair and pushes his cock back into your mouth, needing to cum down your throat.

''Want me to fuck this throat, Sweetheart? Want me to fuck this tight, perfect throat and cum in it, make you swallow it like my perfect cumslut?'' he asks you in a slightly degrading tone, but it only serves to make you even hornier, and your cunt clenches around nothing.

You moan around him, and he takes that as confirmation he needs to start fucking your throat and chasing his high in the process. The gagging sounds you make only spur him on, and his hips are snapping at a rapid pace until he shoots his cum down your throat and over your tongue, ensuring you get every last drop.

''Fuck, you're so good for me, Sweetheart, such a good girl for Daddy.''

With your eyes half-lidded and your panties soaked, Sebastian helps you up and walks you backward to the bed until you're lying down. When you're comfortable, he takes off your bra and panties so you're entirely bare for him, and he crawls over your body.

''Let me make you feel good, Sweetheart. You deserve it after making me feel so fucking amazing; my soul left my body through my cock,'' he whispers between kisses from your stomach and your breasts up to your neck and jaw.

''Please, Daddy,'' you beg, and Sebastian's too impatient to make you wait any longer, as he needs to be buried inside you right this moment.

He lines himself up with your entrance before pushing in slowly, letting you adjust to his length before pushing in further. When he's fully sheathed inside of you, he lets out a groan, and a moan escapes your lips.

His hands find yours, and he interlaces his fingers with yours before slowly pumping in and out of you, making sure you feel every single inch, ridge, and vein inside of you.

''Hmm, I remember practicing how to ask you out in a mirror after that interview. You bumping into me that day is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, Sweetheart,'' Sebastian confesses as he keeps his slow, almost unbearable pace the same.

''Couldn't live with the fact that I might not see you again, so I practiced, and I'm so glad it worked out, Sweetheart. I can't imagine being anywhere other than inside of your perfect, tight, soaked pussy right now. She's clenching around me, baby. Are you about to cum for Daddy?'' he asks you, and you nod; all that's leaving your mouth are moans and whines because you're so close.

''Hmm, you better cum around my cock, Sweetheart, want to cum inside this perfect pussy,'' he groans in your ear, and he lets go of your hand to rub your clit while simultaneously picking up the pace, and you lock your ankles behind around his hips.

''D-Daddy! Please, need to cum,'' you plea, and he listens because before you know it, you fall apart from the combination of his fingers and cock inside you, and Sebastian closely follows you.

Long ropes of his cum shoot into your puffy, overstimulated cunt, but he doesn't want to pull out since you're so warm and comfortable. He turns over with you in his arms, and he pulls the comforter over both of you as you snuggle into him, still buried deep inside you.

You take a short nap in his arms as you cockwarm him, and when you wake up, you feel Sebastian tracing soft, slow patterns on your back.

''Hi, Daddy,'' you whisper against his neck, and he turns to look at you.

''Hi, Sweetheart. How was your nap?'' he asks you, and you can confirm it was the best nap you've had in a long time. After you've woken up entirely, you're both taking a bath together before moving your cuddle session to the couch, and you're ordering dinner so you don't have to leave each other's sides.

Later in the evening, you're attempting to get up from the couch, but you're not allowed because Sebastian pulls you back onto the sofa, making you squeal.

''No, you can't get up! You're my prisoner for today!'' he tells you and pulls you onto his lap to attack you with many tickles, making you laugh and squirm uncontrollably.

''N-No! Please, sto-o-o-p!'' you tell him, and eventually, he does. But not after a few more surprise ones when you've caught your breath again.

When it's finally time to go to bed, you lay your head on Sebastian's chest with a soft sigh, and before you drift off to sleep, you mutter a few more words to him that have him chuckling softly.

''You're my new pillow, so I will never let you go.''

This was when he officially knew he would marry you one day because he could not live without you for another second. He wants your love and happiness around him for the rest of his life.

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shinystarfishmoon · 1 year ago

Text

Your next boyfriend or girlfriend

Take 3 deep breaths and choose your plies you can chose more then one ☺

Disclaimer : this reading is just for fun take it with grain of salt 👾

Deck uesd :star spinner tarot

Also this a general reading just for fun perpous take what resonates and leave what doesn't

If you like this reading please like and reblog this post and tell me which plies you picked 🙏

Also take look at my new pac

Plie 1💅

Cards : five of cups, six of swords, king of cups, page of wands, the fool, 10 of wands, 4 of wands, death

Hello pile 1 💅

I got some messages of past relationships some of you may have been in if not please take what resonate

So in someone of your past relationships you guys may have dealth with frequent arguments and disagreements which in turn resulted in your past relationships not working out. And let you kind of depressed.. Also for those of who may not resonate with what I said earlier you guys may have felt kind of stuck in you past relationships because of the frequent arguments.. And finally made the decision to break the relationship and move on ( with 6 of swords) you might be sad about it. Sweet heart some time we have to leave people behind to move for ward . You are not the bad person,, it's just the way life is 💗 you are brave to leave people those who not bring meaning to your life 💅 slay queen ( king). With the death cards signify they end of a old cycle the old cycle had to end for a new one to begin . The person coming in your life is very emotionally mature, good with communicating their feelings... Communication will be a big part of this relationship. They may really like to listen to you. May find your voice nice and claming. Might be older then you, very reliable, free spirited, they will put lots of afforts to prove that they are worthy of your love my dear 💗. This could also trun into major commitment pretty quickly

Messages :

Don't you stop

You make me loss my mind ( in a loving way 🐥)

Songs :

Plie 2:🦄

Hello pile 2 welcome to your reading 💗

Cards : 7 of swords, nine of cups, 4 of coins,the world, 4 of swords, temperance , 10 of cups

In pile two we have some messages related to the past keep what resonates leave what doesn't

In your past relationships some one may have been sneaky or you were cheated on by your past lovers ( sorry if it's true) this may not be physical cheating but seems more like emotional one. This lead you to have hard time trusting anyone in matter of love . It may even be your worst nightmare to be cheated on again 🙂. But trust me the person coming in your life is make you believe that you are worthy of love that's it was not your fault . With the world card this relationship will be a new cycle of life you will be staring, your next your next relationship would be a balanced one and you would not feel like your are the only one putting effort into the relationship. It will be both ways. Also this relationship will happen on divine timing be patient dear 💗 your next partner may be working in law or may be interested in it, could be in medical field . May have long hair, every balanced person, perfectionist

Messages

I am staying here for a long time

Let me love you please

You are worth it

Listen to me

Songs :

Plie 3 :👾

Cards : 8 of cups, 8 of wands, moon, page of cups, king of cups, two of cups

Hello pile 3 welcome to your reading :

This is the only plie where I didn't get anything related to past relationships . This is my never have been in a serious relationship plie 😁 . Whatever let's get into your reading shall we... This connection feels like the soulmate kind of relationship, like the one when you know somepeople are just ment

for each other 😭... This relationship will have healthy balance at indiviadual as well as relationship level . You Guys together will be ready to take any obstacle that come your way ( couple goals right here ☺) they will bring out a child like energy in you. You would have to hide your true self in front of them. This person may be rich them self or comes from a rich family, emotionaly mature, may have facial hair if a man., if women may have long hair may have pets like dog or rabbit., especially rabbit 🐰

I didn't get any messages for plie 3 also with moon card I feel like this is how much I am supposed to share 💗

#pick a card #tarot #pac #foryou #tarot reading #india #spirituality #nextinlove #kpop astrology #dailypic #Spotify #SoundCloud #pic a photo #tarot tumblr #tarot time

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astrologylunadream · 1 year ago

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Someone Wants To Comfort You Right Now📱🌪🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot reading)

Hello, this is Lunadream✨ This reading is meant to turn your sadness⛈ into sunshine🌤! Hopefully it works, we will find who is reaching out to comfort you and why~♡ hope you find your message📬🖤

Notice: Only take what resonates because the most important thing is your own judgement!♡ If anything doesn't resonate, don't worry! It's not your message right now <3 (Entertainment purpose only. All rights reserved)

Now, shall we begin~? ^w^ Think deeply how you feel right now, and pick whichever pile that fits the energy you're feeling~✨

Pile 1🧤

Pile 2🦋

Pile 3☯

Pile 4💀

Take your time and choose carefully with the heart~♡

On to the readings —> ☆✨🖤

Pile 1🧤

Sign energy: Indecision, Violence, Impact, Chemistry, South node, Virgo, Pisces, Jupiter, 8th house, Vertex, 🔪🩱🗞🤒

🌧Your energy: Aww you guys I just want to give this pile a big hug🖤 You have been through a LOT in the past, and now you don't even know what to think of it. Some of you are Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius and Scorpio. You have been hurt by others before, I am specifically called to say Virgo. Now this could be 6th house placements as well but you have been in some painful situations in the past, I'm so sorry but if you have been subjected to violence this is definitely your pile. You may have had huge intense feelings for those who only made you suffer, and used you for their own benefits. You could have been involved in a news article or have been associated with someone who made an impact on the news (I feel called to say someone being arrested, or violating the law). You may have a comfort stuffed animal, or have a comfort playlist. You have been hurt from close connections and experiences with intimacy. You may fear fate and feel like you are destined to be hurt (that is NOT true😰), I feel like this pile tends to tolerate a lot even if they shouldn't, you say you're fine when you are not fine😭 My pile 1's need to heal and be happy because you have dealt with sucking it up for too long.

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Vent, Event, Book, Seen, Eyebrows, 6th house, Pisces, Aries, Water, 12th house, 🤚🩹💙👸 Omg this may be someone who sees you often or at a regular spot, you may be unaware of them or not know much about them. Virgo, Pisces and Aries energy is coming through. This is a very mysterious person, they really want to hear you vent and let it all out. This could be your therapist, someone you have booked a session with or a scheduled a venting event (a vent event lmao what am I saying) this is someone who may have raised an eyebrow about your situation, they could be very nosy about your current state but only because they are worried about you. This is a spiritual and devine encounter for them to reach out to you, they want to send you love and healing.💌 I am called to say they wanna tell you "you are a queen, keep going and don't let anyone stop you from healing"👑 lmao, well they are right. This is a very spiritual individual, I'm getting that they read books a lot. They wish you would tell someone trustworthy how you are feeling, and what you have been through. This person wishes they could bandage your emotional wounds and help you up onto a pedestal of protection and strength. My god this is a really sweet person.🥺🖤

📬Messages from them: You and them, I wish you felt the same, I want to take your pain away, Ugh, I want to make you happy, I've seen other people, You have this look in your eyes, I can't believe it (😢💙💙) Extra cards: Previous, Finger, Order, Angel, Sweet, Neptune, Taurus, 9th house, 10th house, Scorpio (This could be a guardian angel for some of you♡⭐)

Thank you my pile 1's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 1 with the gloves emoji~🧤 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 2🦋

Sign energy: Father, Compulsive, Yellow, Fox, Passion, South node, Pluto, 5th house, 7th house, Air, 🕳🧠♑🔪

🌧Your energy: Alright my lovely pile 2's your situation is complex rn, I definitely see some you guys falling back into repeated cycles. Scorpio/Leo/Libra/Taurus placements, Pluto in the 5th house for some of you. Capricorn is coming out but I feeling a strong energy of hating Capricorn or those traits. If you like the color yellow this could be a confirmation💛 Some of you may have issues with authority or tend to rival those with power or control. Now this pile may have had a father (or more dominant parent) that you hate/don't get along with well. You have a mind of your own and you hate getting manipulated with it. You have experienced people in positions of power being very conniving and selfish, and you wish to have power over these people in order to protect yourself. My pile 2's have a very negative outlook on those that tell others what to do, but this is for a good reason. You don't want to support those who have power over you and others and especially choose to do bad things with it. In the past you may have felt very imbalanced or unfair, could be through your childhood. You often feel powerless or fall into the same connections and mind games, and omg you just wanna cut ties!!😫🔪✂️

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Position, Accident, Compliment, Far away, Late, South node, 9th house, Cancer, Juno, 5th house, ⛓🏝😔✔ Hmmm okay over all this is a very caring energy like you guys someone does really care for you rn💙 They may not be near you physically but they are comforting you the best they can. They want to protect and keep you safe especially from an emotional standpoint, this is a message for only some in this pile but I'm called to say that if you have been dating around or having casual meetings and not wanting to be in a committed romantic relationship, this person is telling you that you are at a point where you need to find a potential committed partner that will keep you safe because they are saying you may not find another chance.🥺♡ Now for some others in this pile this is someone you are refusing to commit to, and have been holding it off for a long time. A romantic connection is possible. You feel distant to this person whatever the case, as if you are on a deserted island far away. This person feels the need to find you my pile 2's, they also wish they could tell you how great you've done and how much you have learned.🤗 They hope you will be free from your mental chains and heal somewhere it is safe. This could be someone from college/university or an educator, they are very well cultured I'm hearing. Could have been an accidental meeting, this is someone from your past.

📬Messages from them: Have you heard of me? Imagine us together, Look at me, Your emotions are to intense, I knew you would feel this way, You might get hurt, You look to good to be sad, I feel so left out, (omg😭) Extra cards: Dating, Fit, Chains, Beauty & the beast, 12th house, Libra, Cancer, Neptune, 3rd house

Thank you my pile 2's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 2 with the butterfly emoji~🦋 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 3☯

Sign energy: Frozen, Chiron, Gossip, Soul connection, Over, Jupiter, Saturn, Air, Juno, Mars, 🎀🔜♏🧱

🌧Your energy: My pile 3's are thinking of someone right now🙈💗 I'm seeing some very cold energy though, some of you may have ended a relationship recently!! Something that hurt you greatly and now you will be healing to the fullest😩💙 This was most likely a romantic connection, and now you are putting your walls up from any kind of power dynamics, gossip, and mistreatment. I'm getting that for some of my pile 3's this was a Scorpio partner you chose to shut out. You are still stuck on that connection though, and I'm hearing you can't get over them (especially if you guys were intimate). You may have had a soulmate connection with someone but you have blocked yourself from having those types of connections because you don't want to make the same mistakes.😥😢 Sagittarius, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio and air placements. You may be the type to be really into pink adorable aesthetics, or love dressing up cute as a way to cope. You have been through a lot of rumors, others talking about you especially behind your back. But omg my pile 3's you are going through a transformation soon!!🦋 You will finally set yourself apart from things that don't serve you, and you will be strict on who you let in your life. This could happen really soon watch out for jupiter transiting in your chart especially the 8th house!!

🖤Who wants to comfort you: November, Mad, Purple, Sleep, Release, Gemini, South node, Earth, 2nd house, Lilith, 💼☯🍬🧳 Ahhh my pile 3's this is someone from your past, they are reaching out you at this very moment!! OMG this could be the romantic connection you releasee and disassociated with🤯😱😱 I'm getting that this person feels you are "sleeping" on the relationship, and it is "driving them mad" wow. But they want to comfort you right now, they want you to rest, and leave all of the bad energy and negativity you have experienced, to take care of yourself💓 This is someone who is willing to pay for pile 3's sorrows, they would buy whatever they could to make you happy again..🥺😖💙 Gemini and Taurus energy. I feel like this person is very guilty about something, especially the past. The month november could be significant or that is when they are coming to you, perhaps this connection was separated during the month. Now this person does not want things to get worse for you, they really think about you often. I'm getting that they see you as their other half, their dark/light side. I think they know they messed things up, but they want to let go of the past and they want you to focus on self care and relaxing, ridding yourself from bad vibes.😊💤💙

📬Messages from them: In your imagination, I feel bad, Thank you for everything, Tell me why you're sad, I don't want to break your heart, Take your time, I want to learn more about you, We're both lovers even if it's subconscious (My pile 3's your person wants you to feel comforted rn🥺😭) Extra cards: Optimist, Amusement park, Safe, Treat, Difference, North node, Earth, 4th house, Aquarius, Capricorn

Thank you my pile 3's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 3 with the yin & yang emoji~☯ Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Pile 4💀

Sign energy: My love, January, Maze, Restriction, Style, 2nd house, South node, Cancer, 7th house, 3rd house, 🩲🦀🧜‍♀️🧍‍♀️

🌧Your energy: I'm getting such siren vibes from this pile, like so magnetic and attractive.🖤 Very hot vibe for this pile haha~ Taurus, Cancer, Libra, and Gemini Gemini placements such feminine energy for you guys <3 Love has been on your mind recently, but I think you have tried to push away relationships a little or not allow yourself to fall into emotions with romantic connections. You are a very stylish and unique, from the way you dress to the people you're around. You love shopping and buying clothes and accessories~ you may flaunt your outfits in selfies🛍🕶🖤 I feel you attract romantic attention effortlessly from your style and the way you express yourself.😍 You don't let yourself have intense feelings because in the past you would get lost in them easily. You enjoy talking about things you like, but you never say what's really bothering you deep down.⛈ Emotions are difficult for you, especially repressing them. No one really sees what goes on under your cool exterior, but you have a soft side to you.💕

🖤Who wants to comfort you: Age, 2nd house, Distance, Choice, Secret admirer, Juno, Venus, Jupiter, Libra, 10th house, 🤷‍♀️📱💚😓 Omg omg this is someone you are not romantically involved with but they have a thing for my pile 4's for real🤯🖤🖤🖤 Ahh they could be older than you by a few years, but they are not someone you are familiar with. You may not know this person at all but they are a potential life partner for you guys it's crazy but this is someone very secretly attracted to you guys, they may have seen you from social media or somewhere online.🥰 This person actually wants to step up and comfort you!! The type to take all your baggage and worries and sweep you off your feet, give you everything you need I mean spoil you...😍💸🛍 My pile 4's this person wants to comfort you now even if you don't know each other yet they wanna be there for you. I'm hearing they want you to distance yourself from social media or using your phone to much, they want you to take breaks and do other things you like. This person hopes to send you love in some way and comfort you, l mean they are so sweet even with the distance between you guys that like doesn't bother them because they just want you to feel better.💓 Definitely someone you will see as marriage material, this is someone with lots of money so they can buy you whatever you want🙈💸💸💸🖤

📬Messages from them: Now is not the time, You shouldn't keep things to yourself, We're too different, Tell me what's been bothering you, Have you heard of me? Tell me the truth, Give it to me, Don't tell anyone (Omg just themmm😍😫🖤) Extra cards: Below, Union, Perfect, Release, Peace, 11th house, 4th house, Air, 2nd house, North node (Omg they see a family🏠 and marriage💍 with you they want to comfort you the second you guys meet it's so romantic they just wanna take good care of you...😭😭💞🖤)

Thank you my pile 4's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!✨

I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 4 with the skull emoji~💀 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading💙

Wanna see more readings like this? Check out my tumblr for accurate readings for you!💗🌊🌸

Thanks for reading! \(*^w^)/💌 -Lunadream <3

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waddleonmywaywardducks · 4 months ago

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Practicing with adhd.... (A kinda long commentary on how to work with ADHD in your practice instead of against it)

(disclaimer: I'm making this post as someone who has a struggled with ADHD. In no way am I glorifying mental illness or symptoms of mental illness. This is just something I've dealt with all my life and i know other people have too. I'm just posting my own experience and advice. You do not have to use this at all.)

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was either 7 or 9 and have been struggling with it ever since, idk why I never grew out of it. Over the years of practicing, I've encountered a lot of practitioners with the same problem as me, only all of their advice was to try to get rid of ADHD has much as possible, well I tried that, I'm still the same. But that's just it, ADHD is apart of me, whether I like it or not. For years, I've always hated my ADHD, I constantly feel stupid, childish, and not responsible, but I am, I just need to work with my ADHD instead of around it. And that my friends is what Im going to teach you all here today, so grab a nice comfort TV show and a fidget bc your ADHD ass WILL READ THIS POST!!!!!!!!

My biggest problem with adhd and witchcraft

honest to the Gods, my biggest problem has got to be that witchcraft isnt dogmatic, you aren't going to get a rule book, there is no duality, you pick what's right from wrong, you make your practice your own. I had such a hard time figuring that out because I'm a very hands on learner. I grew up in a Christian household, most historical events that I wanted to research I could read in the Bible, or go to a church, or if I wanted to find community to help me figure out where to go well....it's basically all around me. But we don't have that with witchcraft. We only have ourselves (unless you were born into pagan/witchy family then lucky you I guess 😭😭). So obviously the only thing we can do is research.

"but omg chaos,,, I can't research I have executive dysfunction!"

I understand. Executive dysfunction is so weird why do humans have this??? Why was this built into my system??? Anyways, the best advice I can give you for executive dysfunction is that you can either go one of two ways:

1.) while you are laying in bed, cursing yourself to get up and do something. At least do something, but you just can't. That's ok. Dont beat yourself up about it, honestly the more you do that the more you're not going to want to do it. Allow yourself to be like this, allow yourself to just lay there. If you need to give offerings but you just can't get up, say sorry out loud, I always find that this brings me comfort and that my deities will know I'm truly sorry. Then forget about it, now it's time to allow yourself to just be. And then you wait until you find the strength to do it. That's it. Just be.

2.) you're laying in bed and you really need to give offerings to your deities. Get up. Just do it. Immediately once you have the thought in mind don't even think about it just do it. I know this doesn't work 100% of the time but it does for me. So 🤷

"how do I know if my practice is my own or if it's just a hyper-fixation?"

OK OK. I don't know anyone else who has this struggle but I have. When I started out, I was just a bright eyed kid filled with questions about the "unholy". I really started practicing when I was like 13-15. During these times, I didn't know how strong my hyper-fixation was with Greek mythology and religion until I fell out of that fixation. It was very disappointing to see myself gain so much momentum only to come crashing down. One thing that helped me decipher whether my practice was my own or not was simply asking questions to myself about my own beliefs and upg. If I couldn't answer these questions then I knew I wasn't really practicing I was just researching. Without my own experience, my own UPG, my spells weren't working correctly, and my rituals were failing. If there is no emotion behind it for me then the spell is just a bunch of herbs in a bottle.

"I struggle with grounding and meditation, how can I become better at that?"

Firstly, I need people to realize that I don't believe there is one right way to meditate. For me, starting out, I listened to guided meditations which helped me A LOT. Guided meditations I feel like are really slept on but I got a lot of communication done with my deties through this way, I met one of my guides this way bro. Another way you could do is laying down. As long as you are allowing yourself time to get into the meditative state, and if you can't, oh well, don't beat yourself up about, you can always try again.

"I have trouble remembering herb properties, correspondences, and holidays"

Write. Everything. down. Every spell you've ever created, every experience you have with your deties, every tarot card reading. Write it all down. Cross-research everything until something sticks. Give up the idea that grimoires need to look a certain way or give off a certain vibe. Just start writing shit down. In any book.

How I work with ADHD in my practice

Have you guys ever seen those post, I think they were floating around here around like 2019 or 2020?? They we're like "spells to get rid of ADHD" or "spells to get rid of depression" and shit like that. Yeah, I never understood those. I don't understand why we are treating these illnesses/disabilities like they are monsters?? I hate the ideology that all illnesses are bad, because yeah they impose a great risk to our health, but we can always look on the brighter side of things. My ADHD allows me to feel more deeply, because of this I feel connected to the gods always. My ADHD makes me passionate about my Interests in the gods, my ADHD can work with me.

Some ways I work with ADHD in my practice is by making a schedule and sticking to it but a bigger importance to that is recognizing when I need a break. During days that are dedicated to the gods, or holidays, I often times have a big thing planned that might take up a lot of energy. I allow myself breaks with things that aren't witchcraft related at all, then when I'm ready I pick it back up from where I left off.

I honestly think if you are reading this and you're like "yeah maybe I should start working with my ADHD instead of against it....but none of this stuff is hitting for me."

Then I advice you to look at your own symptoms and try to see if you can find any way you can work with yourself. For example, if one of my symptoms was that I was impulsive, one thing I would do is dedicate something impulsive to one of my gods. Like dying my hair, going out of town for the night, getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon (keep it stable buddy.), who gives a fuck. You are using your symptoms in a way that works with it instead of against it.

In conclusion....

I've had this post in mind for a while I just never had the words for it until now, and I still don't even know if this makes sense😭😭 I just hope to help atleast someone (it's 3 am and I literally decided to write this like....20 minutes ago.) this post was also me bashing on people who think ADHD is "all bad." Anyways, if anyone has any other advice or suggestions on how to work with ADHD, please leave them in the comments! I would love to get as much advice from adhd practitioners as I can! Alright I'm going to sleep now

#hellenic deities #hellenic pagan #hellenic worship #hellenism #witchcraft #aphrodite #pagan #hekate #paganism #adhd problems #actually adhd

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chantiying · 7 months ago

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You have a new message, would you accept it?

How to choose? Take a deep breath, close your eyes, think about that/those person/people you have something inconclusive with (if you can't think about anyone it's ok, dw) then choose the image that calls to you better

1 2 3

Before to start, sorry for any mistakes or grammar error. English is not my first language

Remember tarot is not set on stone and you can change your path whenever you want. This is for entertainment purposes

This reading is general so if it doesn't resonate with you just let it go

Option 1

I know you're still upset about the way all of this happened. I know you don't understand why I had to go away. You think I let you alone and I didn't really care about it. I know you think I was selfish all I did was look out for my own good. I know you keep blaming me for the things I did to our family. I know that, even if I say to you my reasons they are still just excuses to your ears. I needed to walk away, I was tired. It was the best, it was fair. I had to understand who am I, I had to mature but it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

I'll be back, any moment. I know that hearing that scars you a lot, I know it bothers you "go back?" "For what?" "To destroy all the the life I built in your absence?" Yeah, I break your heart, I was the person you trusted the most , I broke our little world, I broke us, and you are still afraid of trusting in me again, but could you give me another chance? Take your time to respond my petition. I promise I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, but I'm serious about that I want to make things work for us this time.

For some of you, this could be a male figure in your family.

Two more messages for you.

Take a rest, honey. You don't have to be the one who is always fixing everything. The solution for the pain you're feeling right now is not overexerting yourself. Don't worry, things gonna be ok.

This could be from someone who passed away.

The last message could be an ex lover

Something that ended because of people talking in your back, hidden secrets that came to light. Tbh, I feel that this person don't have any interest in fix anything. Maybe they are happy that all of that happened and the way it all ended.

Additional information.

I feel like in this pile there's a lot of young energy. Maybe that person was too young or the separation occurred when both of you where young or you were young when all of this happened.

I feel that for some of you the root of all your failed relationships is because of the message of the first person

Maybe you've been suffering from sore throat or neck pain and I feel that it could be because you don't know have to express your emotions. It's ok to cry and scream, if you feel like crying, just do it, everything will be alright, ok?

Option 2

I feel like this person is upset or mad. Probably the relationship ended because of an argument. One of you was not in their best moment (maybe one of you passed or is passing through depression or anxiety)

I had to go, it was for the better. This, the thing we had it had neither head nor foot. I do accept we had a lot of good memories, you were my sun, but it doesn't mean we were meant to be. Do you know what? Sometimes, when I think about us, the first memories that came to my mind are those where I felt tied to you. We were going to nowhere. We had different paths, different dreams, different goals. I actually think we share the blame in this one, and, I still blame you for the kind of love you gave to me. It was too suffocating. It was like when you water a flower, you know what I mean? You were drowning me. I needed to make a decision, the better for me, and I don't regret doing it

This could be a past friendship

This is another message it could be from a female figure.

Don't be silly. You need to be less immature and spoiled. Will you realize at some point that you are being your own worst enemy? I know you're thinking about me like a killjoy or like i'm bitter, but my only wish is for you to open your eyes and put your feet on the ground. Do you remember when you were happy only with what you had? Do you remember when you played with all your friends and relatives? Do you remember all the scenarios you imagined and all of those were easy to resolve just with laughs and superpowers? I want you to be that little kid again. I want to hear your laugh until your belly hurts. I want you to be more kind with yourself and with the others. I want you to let go whatever its making you feel bad. I want you to start dancing by your own, my love.

Some of you have a nickname inspired on nature "sun" "bunny" "peach" "twinkle" or you have a name related to flowers or stars.

I feel like some of you either are emotionally unstable or feel a little too much.

Maybe you are fan of Taylor Swift and like the rain

Option 3

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being the villain of your story. I feel so sorry for stealing your confidence. I'm so sorry because I know I'm the reason of your nightmares/insomnia. I'm sorry you don't feel good enough and all of that is my fault. It's horrible to be the person who hurt the one who most loved me. You were my wish came true. You were the madness I needed to keep me sane, it doesn't make sense, does it? I could have done better, I know. I'd have done better to give you all the things you deserve. I guess it's too late to own up to my mistakes. Now I've lost you

I don't want you to forgive me (maybe I do want to) I want to tell you that I love the person you are now. All of that is because of YOU. I just destroyed you. You had to pass through a lot. Sometimes I wish I could talk to you. Would you give me an opportunity? All the fights, all the arguments, all the screaming and crying. I'm so sorry, I'm really really sorry. I know I took you away from me. If it's worth it, I also wake up at night thinking I could have done better

I love you, I always have

I don't want to wreck your plans. I don't want to turn your world upside down. Am I being greedy for saying that I miss you? I know I'm the king of victimized myself, I'm aware of that. I'll try to change for better, even if it doesn't matter anymore. I have what I deserve and I hope you get what you deserve for loving someone who didn't know how to love you in return

This could be an ex lover but it could be a person who took "care" of you when you were a child too

Let your inner child to heal. Play with them, enjoy and do the things you want to do but you don't do for fear of being judged

I have a plan for you! What if you choose some animated movies, cartoons you liked when you were a child and enjoy your evening watching them?

You're so brave and strong, I admire you, keep going

I feel like you have a good taste on music

This is my first reading, hope you all like it

Alic (Chanty) 🪽

#tarot #tarot reading #tarot tumblr #tarotblr #tarot cards #tarotcommunity #pick a card #tarot asks #tarot advice

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crystaldivination · 2 years ago

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𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔’𝐑𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮?

⤷ 𝖵𝖺𝗅𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗇𝖾’𝗌 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗂𝖺𝗅 ⤶

Hello beautiful souls ♡︎ This is the second part of the Valentine's edition. Check out the first part here. I hope to provide you with some lovely and/or helpful messages from your specific person with this intuitive pick a card reading. In this reading we will be looking at what are their feelings for you.

Feedbacks, reblogs, likes and follows are highly appreciated. I’m looking forward to hear your thoughts on this.

⭒ masterlist • paid services • tip me

How to choose a pile? Take a few deep breaths ＆ think of a number from 1 to 3. Trust your intuition to pick your number.

The piles ┊

see below in order ↴

Disclaimer ┊this is a general reading which may or may not resonate with you. Take what resonates and leave out anything that doesn’t. Feel free to choose another pile if you'd like.

PILE ONE

Dear pile 1, your person is in hermit mode. They are likely to have distanced themselves from most things. It could be because their emotions are going wild. They are out of balance right now. You might find them to be more sensitive than normal so it’s best to give them space instead of trying to provoke them. The way they feel doesn’t directly have anything to do with you but it stems from a feeling involving you. They might’ve felt inferior to you, more specifically to someone who’s quite close with you. They felt like they couldn’t keep up with the people in your circle. You guys might’ve met up with your friends or anyone you’re close with and to them it might have been a new experience. They weren’t really used to it and felt a little awkward and uncomfortable. But because they didn’t let it show, you weren’t aware of what was going on with them so you might’ve go on just naturally which might’ve hurt their feelings. The problem here lies in the miscommunication. They might’ve kept it to themselves about how they really felt then and aren’t willing to communicate openly with you about the situation they’re bothered by and you failed to ask them probably about how they sincerely feel. This causes you two to be detached from one another, could even led to coldness between you two while continuing to ignore the problem itself.

They wish to dissolve this sour environment that exists right now by coming up to you but they seem to be hesitant towards that idea. It’s not easy to step up when you’ve been hurt although they know it’s not your fault. It’s solely their own insecurity yet they would want you to make the first step to come to them and encourage them. To comfort you, they are only this way because they love you so much that they're afraid you are too good for them and that you could leave them anytime you want to. They’re really scared to even think of that thought because you’ve grown too deep into their heart which leave them to be so devastated over this. They’re sorry to have caused you stress and made you sad. They want to make up with you this instance and they crave to feel you in their arms. Take your time and run into their arms once you feel the need to do so. They are waiting for you.

Quotes & keywords: "I’m sorry", "don’t you see how devastated I am?", "I’m pathetic right?", "I’m just pretending to be ok", "I swear I don’t mean it", "I mean it", "I love you", blue (vibe), friends, meet up, gloomy, powerless

PILE TWO

Dear pile 2, your person might be a very open-minded and free-spirited person who isn’t used to commitment or dedicating themselves to someone, not after they met you, pile 2. You very much change their whole perspective on love and everything one considers as affection and tenderness. Maybe they’re used to feel ignorance or even intolerance so they didn’t know what those words mentioned above mean and felt like. But with you, they got to experience that. They’ve felt love, the feelings of being in love and being loved by you. You changed their world. They were someone who didn’t take anything seriously because to them not everything has a real meaning. Most of their life they spend being emotionless towards people they’ve encountered with because again they don’t see any purpose to get too close with anyone. They might’ve grown up in a cold and "toxic" environment, leaving them missing that warmth that human and other beings should carry in themselves so that’s one of the things why they are so pitiful. Despite that they were never disrespectful or condescending towards others. They managed to not turned into someone they’re not. They didn’t choose to be cruel, abhorred and heartless. They were the way they are simply because they didn’t master the law of love yet since they didn’t possess it. You saw their good heart from the beginning on that is hidden deep in them and you were not afraid to get near it and take it out. You did it not out of pity but solely out of compassion and empathy for one another being. They realized that your intentions were pure and trusted their own intuition to open themselves up to you. They were comforted by your gentleness and softness. Looking back now they’re really happy they did show themselves to you. Haven’t they done it they wouldn’t have a wonderful connection with someone like you. I heard a chuckle? (They’re the sweetest). They see you as their mentor for life, someone who they could follow everywhere blindly. They feel like you could lead and guide them to their purpose because you’re part of it and they wish to be with you for as long as possible. For the first time they really dream of having a family and a place where they can called their own home. They’d want you to be the mother of their future kids.

Quotes & keywords: mentor, "you’ve changed me in a beautiful way", love, life, YOU, purpose & meaning, bloodline, descendant, family, scenario turning into reality

PILE 3

Dear pile 3, this might seem like a new love story for you. A happy and healthy one especially. Your person might be a very gentle person and they surely admire you a lot. They see you as a wholesome individual who is too precious to even exist in this harsh world. They want to nurture you from the bottom of their heart and always be there for you when you need them. They’re glad to have you in their life. They’re so thankful that you add a more positive and joyful side to their daily life. Before you entered their life they might’ve gone through a lot of difficult situations. They were totally in survival mode, defensive and hostile most of their times in order to survive, literally. They believed that the world was against them and that they only existed to suffer. But then you came and mend that pain and heal that wound of them. They’re grateful they have met you at that time when they were struggling the most and lost all their hope. They truly see you as their savior so they want to cherish and protect you now since you’ve done so much for them already. You make them happy everyday. Everyday with you in their life is a blessing. They might have evolved a lot as a person because of you. They want to do so much for you. You can see this desire and ambition of them through their efforts. They might show up randomly at your workplace to just pick you up after your shift ends or they might surprise you from time to time with gifts. They are always present and available for you. They want to change for the better for you and are working on it to become the person you’re proud to be with. They want you to know that there is still so much to them behind all the things that they’re showing to you. You can expect heartfelt gestures and expressions from them. They’ll be your dream come true like you’re for them as well.

Quotes & keywords: blessing, "you’re my dream come true", "is it my destiny to meet you?", beautiful, lover, a picture paint to live in all of the time, "watch me repeating myself", heart eyes, soft, heartbeats, exciting

I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading ・❥・

Written with love by Crystal

666 notes · View notes

skepsiss · 1 year ago

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Tooth and Nail pt2

Part 2 of this mini-series. I guess I'm writing like 4 mini-series right now. This story is about Eddie being the one to question his sexuality after Steve comes out first. Read the first part to get the full details.

This part is pretty darn sad with a lot of introspection. I put up a mini-poll asking people what they wanted to read the most and Eddie being introspective was winning when I started writing this. I'm likely to write all the options on that poll still, so don't fret. I want to say clearly too that I do not agree with Eddie's thoughts. Sharing your emotions is never selfish and I think the fact that he feels like a burden is something he needs to work through. He is unwell. I'll admit I made myself cry writing this so if you're emotionally fragile like I am (lol) read at your own risk.

TW: Internalized homophobia (he's working through it), self-hatred, brief thoughts on death, mention of war (Vietnam and Korea).

PT1 PT2 PT3

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"I kissed Steve."

"What?" Gareth said, startled as he stared at Eddie.

Eddie was sitting on a beaten-up old armchair in Jeff’s garage; it was night and they’d opened the garage door to let in the summer air. The whole block was having a party and despite the time of night, the street was still alight with lamps and Christmas lights as people mingled in the street. Eddie had taken refuge in the garage (slightly paranoid that someone was going to touch the band equipment) after the first hour of forcing himself to be social. He had a beer in hand, even though he was underage, but it didn’t seem like any of the adults cared as long as they behaved. Hell, Eddie didn’t even live on this block but he was here enough that the neighbours didn’t seem to mind.

“A week and a half ago,” Eddie answered. He was slouching badly with one leg up on the seat, looking as if he was trying to lounge on a satee instead of a corduroy, La-Z-Boy from the 60s.

“Wait–sorry, what?” Gareth asked again, holding his own beer between his knees as he stared at Eddie. He had come to join him a few moments ago since Eddie had been moping by himself, and then they had proceeded to sit in silence until now.

Eddie flicked his gaze over to the younger boy before taking a long sip of his beer as if to say, yeah, you heard right without the willingness to repeat himself. He was quietly pissed, actually, but was chomping at the bit to talk to someone about it.

“So, are you like…” Gareth started, waving one of his hands as if that would fill in the blank.

“I’m fucking straight,” Eddie muttered, looking away and taking another long drink from his beer.

“Then why–” Gareth wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise and anyone who came to talk to Eddie when he was in a mood like this knew that coming in.

“I don’t fucking know!” Eddie grumbled, crossing his other arm over his chest and slouching all the way down in his seat so only his neck was being supported by the back of the chair.

Gareth frowned at him and looked away, no doubt wondering what he should say to all of that. It gave Eddie a moment to calm down and he eventually sat back up.

“I just…” he muttered, speaking into his drink, “I don’t know; it’d be easy if he was a girl. I just wish he was a girl.”

“Eddie…” Gareth mumbled a bit incredulously as he pinched his brows in. His expression was pitying and Eddie hated that it looked like he felt sorry for him. That was annoying and he scowled before looking away.

Eddie’s logic was sound, it didn’t make sense why Gareth would be questioning it. Things would be easier if Steve was just a girl, that way if he had kissed him it wouldn’t be a big deal. Just an oops, sorry, that was uncool, well, anyways, and then they’d move on. He wouldn’t have to be dealing with this crisis of conscience and saying that he was just joking around wouldn’t have blown up in his face–maybe, he wasn’t sure. If Steve was a girl saying that he was joking actually might have blown up in his face more now that he was thinking about it… probably wasn’t cool to yank a girl’s chain like that.

“We were high and I don’t know, I wanted to talk to him about it being fine that he’s gay or whatever and I wasn’t thinking at all and I just…” Eddie sighed heavily and chugged the remainder of his beer. He twisted the pull-tab off and flicked it across the room, aiming for the bin and missing.

“You always want to kiss people when you’re high?” Gareth asked an edge of humour to his voice. He was teasing lightly, but Eddie didn’t have the patience for that kind of crap right now.

“Fuck no,” Eddie grouched, crossing his arms and resuming his earlier position where one of his legs was up and he was slouched into the corner of the seat. “I wouldn’t kiss your ugly mug for money.”

Gareth snorted lightly and took a swig of his beer, letting the moment simmer.

“So…” he continued, glancing at Eddie before looking away sharply, “he get mad or something?”

Eddie groaned as he covered his eyes with the side of his hand, cupping his forehead as he tipped his head back. Why had he brought this up? He didn’t want to talk about this. It had been eating his insides alive, but he didn’t actually want to talk about it. What was Gareth going to do? Tell him the magic words to make Steve like him again?

“I told him I was joking,” Eddie mumbled, “and that I didn’t mean it–I even apologized, and I don’t fucking apologize to anyone.”

“Tell me about it,” Gareth muttered under his breath and Eddie hucked his empty beer can at his head, forcing Gareth to duck.

“Jesus–” he half laughed, the can knocking against him harmlessly and clattering to the ground, “just saying.”

Eddie flicked him off and motioned to get up. He didn’t need to be here for this, he didn’t want to be around people. This sucked. He could tell that Gareth was trying to be helpful–trying to be a friend–but he didn’t have the patience for it and he didn’t want to have another fight with another friend over something stupid.

Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled over to Gareth before picking up the empty can and chucking it into the garbage. He wasn’t about to leave trash in Jeff’s garage, his parents let them practice there and store their gear most of the time and Eddie wasn’t going to burn this location.

“Say bye to Jeff for me,” Eddie muttered, grouching out of the garage, “and thanks for the food.”

“You going home?” Gareth asked, leaning over the side of his chair to watch Eddie.

“No, this is an illusion,” Eddie mocked, turning and waving his hand in front of his face and giving a manic smile, “the Eddie you know died a long time ago.”

Gareth half laughed, but his brows pinched in at the same time. Eddie didn’t stick around to see if that meant he wanted to say something. He just continued to walk away, turning and hunching his shoulders as he walked past energetic little kids chasing one another and people starting to pack up their dishware. He didn’t feel like unpacking what he had told Gareth or why stating that he had died twisted his guts up into knots. He also didn’t like that he could tell that his upset wasn’t due to the fact that he was lying, but rather that it felt too close to the truth.

Eddie lit a cigarette and started the long walk home. He lost the last of the dusk light halfway through his walk, already two cigarettes down as he got closer to Cherry Street. He wanted to say he ended up there by accident, but that would have been a lie. He walked this way often, actually, and it had been convenient once upon a time. Steve lived on Cherry Street… and Cherry Street backed up onto the forest that connected to the trailer park. A funny coincidence, he had said once to Steve, makes it easier to bother you. That was all too true now though. He was more than a bother.

Eddie stood looming at the end of the street as he stared off towards Steve’s house, the large, stark white structure easy to spot even in the dark. The lawn was lit up by small pot lights and the street lamp across the road shone brightly down onto the sidewalk. Eddie was out of view of any of the windows from his vantage, but he could see the side of the garage and the front of Steve’s house still.

He grumbled miserably and flicked the butt of his cigarette, not bothering to stamp it out before rerouting and taking the long way home. He didn’t want to walk past Steve’s place and risk seeing him, he didn’t know what he’d say if he saw him… he still didn’t really know what had happened. The whole thing felt jumbled in his mind and then crystal clear all at once. He could remember everything so vividly, but it was as if they had been speaking a foreign language to each other: none of it made sense.

Why did he kiss Steve?

Why had that led to Steve getting so angry he nearly got hit?

Why was he such a jackass that seemed to ruin any good thing that happened to him?

It was pitch black by the time Eddie made it home, but he knew the route well enough. The trailer park didn’t have any lights other than the rinky-dink porch lights that some of the homesteads had. It wasn’t that late, but things got dark this far away from town. He came home late like this all the time though, so it wasn’t a surprise when the flyscreen slapped open and Wayne was lounging on the couch. Wayne wasn’t working right now, which was a problem, but they had a small nest egg from the government to live off of for at least a few more weeks. It was amazing how far you could stretch a dollar when you’d been doing it for 20 years.

“That you, Eddie?” Wayne asked, sparing a glance towards the door as a commercial popped onto the screen.

“Yeah…” Eddie mumbled, standing by the front door with his hands in his pockets still. He was looking at the ground, and Eddie wasn’t sure why he felt paralyzed. He didn’t want to move, but he didn’t want to be standing there either… stuck in some kind of limbo.

“You’re home early,” Wayne commented, his tone sounding cautious as if he wasn’t sure if a conversation was going to come out of this, “everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answered, again, not really sure what he was expecting.

Silence drew out between them as Eddie shifted from foot to foot, just wanting to… be around someone. He wasn’t sure if that was right, but he wanted to be invited in or something. He selfishly wanted to be comforted even though he was the problem.

“What’re you watching?” He mumbled, still not looking at Wayne.

“Mash,” Wayne answered easily, “reruns.”

Eddie nodded and sniffed, feeling like a stranger in his own home. Though he supposed that wasn’t right, this was Wayne’s home, he was a guest. He was a guest that had worn out his invitation by years and years. The deal had been until he graduated, but he still hadn’t done that and it was starting to feel like an impossibility. He didn’t want to be a burden though and he knew that getting a job was the next best thing… but he hadn’t been able to force himself to do that yet either.

Slowly, Eddie shuffled over to the couch and sat down a cushion width away from his uncle, looking up at the TV. The commercials were ending and Eddie felt his throat tighten as he tried to push himself into small talk.

“Is it a good episode?” He asked, having seen most of MASH living here with Wayne. He liked the show, and Eddie could understand why. All the characters questioned why they were at war and the ethics of it all. Made sense for someone like Wayne to get some kind of catharsis from the show after coming home from ‘Nam all those years ago.

“It’s the one where Hawkeye tries to get ribs sent from Chicago to Korea,” Wayne explained, sipping the drink he had in his hand and looking back at the TV.

Eddie snorted slightly, remembering the episode. He toed his shoes off and tucked up onto the couch so he could rest his chin on his knees, the room falling into silence except for the murmur of the TV and the tell-tale M*A*S*H song in the background. It was easy to watch and Eddie stared at the grainy images on the screen as Wayne and him shared the living room. He always liked that he could be quiet with Wayne, but it felt a bit forced on his part tonight.

A commercial broke up the episode and Eddie sighed, not looking at Wayne as he tipped his head to the side before chewing his lip and finally speaking.

“You ever… had a fight with a friend?” Eddie asked quietly, not liking the sound of his own voice right now. It was quiet for a beat before Wayne responded, his tone calm.

“Sure,” he said easily, obviously waiting for Eddie to continue, “you… have a fight with the band?”

“Steve,” Eddie mumbled, shaking his head no to Wayne’s assumption as he picked off the black polish on his nails.

“What did you do… to fix it?” Eddie asked, still not looking up.

“Apologized… talked, bought them a beer,” Wayne offered loosely, “depends on what the fight was about.”

Eddie nodded solemnly, not liking that there wasn’t some magic answer to his query. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he didn’t feel like elaborating his problem either. So he just nodded and picked at his nails, waffling for a long time before more words tumbled out of him.

“Do you think… people just… dislike me?” Eddie asked, his lip quivering a bit before he got control of it, swallowing hard to hide his emotions. Wayne didn’t say anything right away which forced a bitter laugh from Eddie’s lungs.

“Like, I’m difficult, I know it, people don’t like difficult but sometimes…” Eddie smiled sadly as he held back his emotions, hiding his face between his knees again, “something even when I’m around people that are… like me, I’m just… different.”

Eddie didn’t like the words that were slipping out of him, why he felt like this was related to what had happened with Steve, or why he was saying it to begin with. He didn’t want to talk about this and he didn’t want to put this on Wayne to think about, that wasn’t fair. Wayne dealt with enough of his bullshit, more than any Uncle should have to, but sometimes Eddie couldn’t help that his uncle felt like the only safe person to talk to.

“It feels like it’s just so easy for me to–” he laughed quietly again, having a harder time holding back the wavering tone of his voice, “--to just–fuck things up with people.”

His body betrayed him and Eddie felt tears slipping down his face and he rushed to push them away so they wouldn’t be seen, still shielded by his knees as he hunched like a gargoyle.

“Eddie–” Wayne started, too much sympathy in his voice.

“Sorry,” Eddie muttered, trying to put levity into his tone, “I know you don’t like it when I drop the f-bomb.”

That was partly true, but Eddie also knew that Wayne didn’t care that much. They swore all the time, he just didn’t like being sworn at.

Wayne went quiet for a moment and Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of any lingering tears that might be holed up in there.

“What’s going on, boy?” Wayne asked, his voice incredibly gentle.

Eddie felt his bottom lip bunch up, hating that any time Wayne sounded like that Eddie was doomed to start breaking down. It was like a superpower or something–he didn’t know, but Wayne had made him cry dozens of times when he felt on the verge of tears. He always felt selfish seeking out comfort from his uncle when he had already saddled him with so many problems.

“I hate people–” Eddie blubbered, not sure if that was what he really wanted to say but that felt like the strongest phrasing he could find to describe how he felt. He felt so small and so selfish, reverting back to some kind of scared kid who didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions.

Eddie finally looked up, his face wet and his chest tight, and he crawled across the seat cushioned and collapsed onto his side, pressing his face into Wayne’s thigh. He was so pathetic… he was twenty years old and he was crying into his uncle's lap? Eddie the demon, the freak, the devil, metal head, satanic worshipper – yeah right.

“Sometimes it feels like–people just–I’m just–-I’m made to be hated,” he blubbered, hiding his face and gasping through his words. He felt miserable and like he wasn’t really saying what he meant, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say or even why he was doing this right now. It was like hundreds of emotions were trying to fight their way out of his chest and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated it.

Wayne touched the top of his head and Eddie felt himself choke.

Wayne’s touch was gentle and Eddie couldn’t help but sob as he started to stroke the back of his head. It was a subdued affection, but one that Eddie knew was genuine. Wayne wasn’t a man of many words, so sometimes a touch was the best he was going to get. There was a reason why Wayne sometimes felt like the only safe person–even if Eddie still felt like he was a burden to his uncle.

“Everything about me just—” Eddie sobbed, gritting his teeth as he just let his thoughts and feelings freefall from him. “Why am–I—I–why do I like everything people can–can just hate–about me? I don’t like anything normal—I’m just–nothing about me is normal.”

Usually, Eddie was the first one to proclaim that he was different and scream it loudly for people to hear. He’d shout and point and own it and draw all the other weirdos towards him. He was the king of all the freaks, but it felt like he was still an island amongst them. He was always somehow different. Like there was this wall he bumped up against far too easily that would crop up out of nowhere. How he’d say or do something and just fuck everything up in one fell swoop.

Why did he keep giving people new reasons to call him a freak?

“I hate being like this–I hate–I hate that I can’t just–be normal for—for five minutes,” he gasped, feeling that swell of self-hatred rising in his chest, “it’s always my fault–it’s–I’m always… so… difficult. I just—I can’t—...I don’t know why–I don’t—I hate it, I hate it so much.”

He was feeling sorry for himself again and that felt unfair. It didn’t feel like this was something he got to be upset about or something that Wayne or anyone else cared about. It felt unfair to complain to a man who had probably watched dozens of friends die right in front of him during the war; to complain to a man who had taken him in when no one else would and had to bear this kind of responsibility when he hadn’t asked for it. To have a snot-nosed-brat sobbing in his lap because people didn’t like him. But Eddie was nothing if not selfish.

“I’m so tired of being different–I don’t… I don’t want it anymore–why does it matter so much to people? I just–I don’t want it anymore–It’s–like—I know, I know people hate me—everyone in this goddamn town–people–pe—everyone hates me. Wayne–” he was heaving now as he rambled, everything just spilling out of him in these waves of emotions as each ugly sound crashed into the next. “It’s not fair—I don’t—I don’t want to be the freak–I don’t what—I don’t want to be a loser–to be a drop out–I don’t want—I don’t want to like men–”

The last of his confessions slipped out and Eddie felt his body tighten; his throat felt like it was being ripped apart and his lungs couldn’t pull in enough breath to satiate him. It hurt so badly. It hurt and he hated it and he didn’t know why he said it.

Eddie felt Wayne’s pets pause briefly before picking back up again. That more than anything made Eddie feel ashamed. It made his jaw shake and his shoulders tighten. How fear and sorrow rattled around inside of him at the consequences of his words. He didn’t know what saying them would do–he didn’t mean them. He knew he didn’t mean them–he couldn’t have meant them. Those words were a death sentence.

“It’ll be alright,” Wayne mumbled, the words not sounding as hollow as Eddie thought they would, “I like you plenty.”

Eddie tucked in at the compliment, feeling weak and small as his sobs quieted a bit. His tears didn’t stop, but his chest heaves changed into fluttering gasps as he slowly regained his composure.

“Freaks run in the Munson blood,” Wayne continued and Eddie blubbered a small laugh shifting to press into Wayne’s hip. He was such a child, but he couldn’t help but soak in the comfort.

It was quiet again for some time as Eddie’s crying turned into hiccups and then sniffles, the TV quietly rambling in the background. It took a long while for Eddie to calm down, but Wayne never stopped stroking his hair. He felt wrung out and hollow now, his emotions dull and his body aching from how hard he had cried. Still, it did feel better than when he walked in here.

“I kissed him…” Eddie said quietly. He felt Wayne shift to look down at him, a question in his movement.

“Steve,” Eddie explained, mumbling, “I kissed Steve the other week.”

“I see,” Wayne answered back, obvious awkwardness in his delivery. He had never been good at talking about stuff like this–anything really–but it was obvious that he was trying. “And he doesn’t like that you’re a guy?”

Eddie shook his head, and closed his eyes, tucking in closer still as he pressed his forehead against Wayne’s stomach.

“Steve likes guys,” Eddie sighed, breathing heavily as he wrangled his emotions.

“Alright…” Wayne replied slowly, obviously puzzling through everything. Eddie frowned and tucked in again, hiding as he felt shame wash over him.

“I kissed him…” he explained, sniffing, “and then I told him it was a joke, that I didn’t mean it…”

“Ah…” Wayne answered, sighing a knowing breath. “Did you mean it?”

Eddie swallowed thickly, taking a long time to answer as he pressed hard into Wayne as if he could disappear this way.

“I don’t know…” Eddie replied, his voice muffled. Wayne stroked his head again and Eddie breathed deeply through his mouth, feeling bad for crying all over Wayne’s lap.

“Alright,” Wayne answered simply, not pushing the subject at all. He was good at listening and Eddie quietly appreciated that Wayne always seemed to have time to listen to him ramble. Slowly, Eddie sat back up, his back to Wayne as he hugged his knees and rallied.

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, feeling like he had to apologize for the way he had acted.

Wayne just patted his shoulder and Eddie felt a few tears slip down his cheek as if they had been knocked out of him by his uncle’s kindness. He sniffed hard again before getting off the couch and stumbling into the kitchen to splash water into his face and clean off the snot and tears. Eddie lifted the hem of his shirt to dry his face and then leaned against the kitchen counter, going quiet once more.

“Eddie?” Wayne spoke up and Eddie peered over at him through the cabinet shelf, “try telling your friend the truth.”

Eddie frowned at the suggestion, but he didn’t have it in him to be angry. Still, he didn’t think that was a great idea. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t even sure if he knew what the truth was. How did he feel? Did he like Steve? That felt stupid and the idea made his stomach turn over. What good would a confession do anyway?

“And what’s that?” Eddie asked a bit flippantly, wiping wet strands of hair out of his face.

“That you’re figuring it out and you want to stay friends,” Wayne offered, looking over at Eddie for a moment before turning to look at the TV again.

Eddie stared at the back of his uncle’s head, not sure what to say to that. Was it that simple? It felt like he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that he didn’t know how he felt about something. That he was unsure and vulnerable and scared—it didn’t feel like things were allowed to be that simple.

He didn’t answer Wayne as the TV flicked from image to image painting the dark little trailer in different colours each time. It felt comforting and Eddie appreciated that his Uncle wasn’t smothering him. He was more grateful that Wayne had just… accepted him. He had accepted him like he always did. He hadn’t said anything when Eddie started to grow his hair out or when he got a tattoo, when he flunked school, and now when he had said… he liked men. It had been a surprise to hear himself say those words and there was still deep-rooted shame attached to all of that, but that felt like something he had to unpack on his own. Still, Wayne’s reaction had been the same as it was for all of Eddie’s past transgressions. He’d quietly support him or sigh with worry, but it never seemed to change anything between them.

Eddie shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and went to the fridge. He pulled out a can of beer and walked it over to his uncle, touching the cold metal to Wayne’s forearm so he’d look up.

“Thanks,” he muttered gruffly, looking at Eddie briefly before redirecting his attention to the TV.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, wiping his nose and touching his uncle’s shoulder before stepping away, “thanks.”

PT3

#we stan Wayne Munson in this house #Wayne Munson = best uncle #Eddit is dumb cause he spent all of last fic (the week prior to this)#proclaiming that he loved queer ppl cause they were treated like he is #he thinks queer people are cool but now he's like I CAN'T BE QUEER #that's just cause he's scared of what that means and he has to face so many horrors all the time #doesn't like being hated and sometimes the RSD gets to him #the “being straight” thing is like armor that has just been stripped away and he's been shown he can be hurt here too #he'll learn and grow and eventually love his queer-ness #my_writing #steddie #steve and eddie #eddie munson #steddie fic #my writing #wayne munson #I'm bored so take pt2 early

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