#song came on at work and reminded me of one of the most embarrassing moments I've had in a discord lol

[the-punforgiven]

I remember through my entire childhood and much of my adult life I genuinely did not notice the sexual terminology present in the title of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication"

I genuinely thought the entire time that the title of that song was meant to indicate some sort of transformative element akin to terms like "Carcinisation" or "Ossification" and was in turn referring to some bizarre process by which someone or something like, becomes Californian

[kwallanghae]

twenty two days before we go our separate ways (twenty two days of not falling for you) | yoon jeonghan

content: fluff; angst (because ofc); fake dating; friends to lovers; some joshua x reader; adults who are in their 30s and have jobs;

word count: 20.3k

summary: there’s a special bond between you and jeonghan, and no one was surprised when you announced you were together. to you, it’s a surprise no one realised it wasn’t real.

warnings: language; allusions to sex and suggestive language; (brief) descriptions of vomiting; jealousy and possessiveness;

after a five month hiatus i have returned with a HOLY WHY IS THIS SO LONG fic hope you enjoy :)

also i’ve decided i want to label my fics the same way fob write song titles

D-1

“You have got to be kidding me.”

His eyes widened, then slowly closed in embarrassment. “Look, you’re the only person I could ask…”

“There is no way I’m going to fake date you, Jeonghan!”

In all the years that you had spent knowing Jeonghan, you had never gotten fully used to the shenanigans and plots, half of which you were a pawn in, half were levied against you. Right now, it was easy to say you preferred the latter. Especially given that unlike your mutual friend Soonyoung, he never went too far. Jeonghan had a perfect skill for being outlandish but never unacceptable. Although, this time felt too far. This time felt ridiculous.

“It’s only for three weeks!”

“Twenty two days! Three weeks! Thats three separate, wait no FOUR separate Saturdays I’ll have to spend cozied up to you, pretending to- ugh.”

“Don’t gag.”

“Huoh.”

Gagging was excessive, in all fairness. Jeonghan was a gorgeous man, and the string of broken hearts he carried on his shoulder was evidence enough, which made you so much more suspicious of his words. Why were you the only person available?

“I just need to get this girl off my back at Wonwoo’s wedding, and it has to be believable, because you know that Jun and Seungcheol cannot keep a secret, so if they know then Jiwon will know, and if Jiwon knows then I’m trapped. Cmon, please.”

“Three weeks is so long.” You whined, throwing yourself down on the couch. You had always been one for the dramatics. Perhaps thats what drew you to Jeonghan, why you were good friends.

FRIENDS. Specifically.

“Look it’s not like you wouldn’t get anything out of it!” Jeonghan begged, kneeling in front of you in a desperate attempt to have you look his way. “It would make Joshua so jealous.”

“He would only be jealous if he actually had feelings for me, Han, and we both know he doesn’t.”

“That’s not true, I am so completely sure he has feelings for you, he just doesn’t know it yet.” Jeonghan’s hand was on your shoulder, rubbing it soothingly, as you were reminded of how helpless and pathetic you felt when it came to Joshua. The gorgeous American who never seemed to spare a glance in your direction. Sure, you were all friends, and he obviously cared about you, but only as a friend. It was clear the way he looked at other people, it was a way he had never looked at you. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, and for the most part you would like to say you were pretty good at spotting when people had feelings for you. 

When you were eleven and there was pesky Seokmin who kept throwing pencils at you when he thought you weren’t looking, it was obvious he had feelings for you, which you quickly shut down because who would want to go out with someone who had to resort to petty violence to get your attention? And Mingyu, who would avoid you like the plague all of year 12 until he could muster up the courage to tell you about his feelings for you, which you had obviously seen coming. You were always one step ahead - you didn’t like being caught off guard. Jeonghan was the only person you felt like you could trust to trick you, if that made sense at all. Even when he was being a menace, you still felt somewhat safe. And that was really working against you at the moment.

“You know,” He spoke with a glint in his eye that you couldn’t have missed, even if you wanted to. Oh, how desperately you wanted to. After being friends for so long, you could read Jeonghan too well. “He’s just broken up with Heejin. I bet we could try to make him jealous? Make him realise his feelings for you?”

You sniffled slightly, burying a laugh at Jeonghan’s cunning expression. “You’re just saying that so I’ll agree to go out with you.”

“Maybe. Is it working?”

You pondered for a moment. When Jihoon got married just a few months prior, you didn’t have anyone to go with, and you felt devastated watching the gorgeous boy hanging off Joshua’s shoulder. Jeonghan was quick to offer to ditch his date for you, but it didn’t make the ache in your chest dull any faster. You didn’t want to relive that, and you definitely didn’t want to seem lonely and desperate - you didn’t miss the concerned glance from Joshua last time. It would be nice to seem more desired, even if it was fake. It’s all about image, right?

“You know if we do this you won’t be able to flirt with anyone at the party.” You reminded him. “We’ll have to keep up the ruse that you’re actually interested in me.”

“Is it too late to take it back?”

“Yah, Jeonghan!”

“Kidding! Who wouldn’t be into you? Well…” He trailed off teasingly, and it’s moments like this where your glare settles in across from him that he feels so lucky to be secure in your friendship. “I wouldn’t dream of ditching you.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” You whispered to your ceiling, and you didn’t miss the grin that spread across Jeonghan’s face. Lucky bastard. “Fine, starting from tomorrow we will be fake dating.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you Y/N!” He grabbed your hands, pulling you up from the sofa to celebrate with him. “I will drive you everywhere, don’t worry, and whenever you don’t feel like cooking I’ll cook for you, and-“

“Woah, slow down, I’ll pass on the food. I’ve seen you in a kitchen.” You hushed your friend, letting him settle. “Besides, if we’re going to do this, we need rules. Everything needs to be out in the open.”

You never liked being caught off guard, and you were going to make sure you weren’t.

You settled back down onto the couch, and Jeonghan disappeared to grab something from out of your fridge before settling against you, cuddling to your side. “So what’s the backstory? People are definitely going to ask how we got together, we should probably get a story established.” 

“Hmm, what about, you watched me kill it at karaoke, and you were so overcome with adoration and horniness that you confessed your undying love for me, and-“

“Absolutely not. I refuse to say any of that.”

“That’s okay, I’ll tell them.”

“No way!” You shoved him playfully, groaning as he elbowed you in retaliation. “Low blow, Han. Let’s try to think of something more realistic. What about you went on a date and it made me jealous, so I confessed?”

“Yeah, except we’ve both dated other people and it’s never caused jealousy before, I don’t think anyone would fall for it.” He told you, and you cursed under your breath because he was right. “What about we got tipsy and made out? And then realised we liked each other?”

“That works, I guess. It’s a little crass but it’ll do.” You nodded at Jeonghan, and grabbed a piece of paper from your coffee table. “Now rules: obviously we can’t tell anyone.”

“No shit.”

“Don’t be rude, we have to write the obvious too.” You rolled your eyes at Jeonghan, jotting down the words escaping your mind onto paper. No one can know this is fake.

“What about once it’s all over? You know, when you’re off being married to Joshua, and I’ve got myself a new sexy partner?” Jeonghan questioned, wiggling his eyebrows and nudging you.

“Ew? Why did I agree to this?”

“Because deep down you love me and my shenanigans.” Jeonghan popped a cherry in his mouth, chewing on it slightly, staining his lips red. You looked in disgust as a sliver of crimson drool slipped down the corner of his mouth. 

“Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down.”

“Didn’t deny it.” He winked. “So can we tell people eventually? Or are we taking this to the grave?”

“Okay, how about this? No one can know this is fake until we’re married to other people. There, that gives us plenty of time.” Jeonghan nodded thoughtfully, and you quickly jotted down the addition. 

“Oh, pass me the pen, I have a good one.”

You let the pen drop out of your hands, pushing it to Jeonghan, who started scribbling something down. You looked over his shoulder, reading out the words…

“…We can’t be cliche and fall in love with each other- are you taking this seriously at all Han?”

He laughed, and you swear he would have spit cherries all over you. You cursed slightly, feeling suddenly very tempted to push him off the bed. “Dickhead.”

“A future junior partner at Kim-Byun Legal Services shouldn’t be using that kind of language, Y/N.” Jeonghan teased, smirking at your frustrated expression.

“Shut it Yoon. And take this seriously! If we fuck up everyone will find out, including Jiwon.”

He shuddered at the mention of her name. “God and she won’t leave me alone. Fine, what other rules do we need?”

“Hmm, we need to post each other on social media. Instagram is a must.” You told him, and to your surprise he hummed in agreement - you really were expecting more of a pushback. Jeonghan never liked tainting his single and available persona, and he was yet to ever post a S/O photo anywhere. “You don’t sound upset?”

“You’re right. It won’t be believable if there’s nothing online, at least on your social media. Besides, the more we commit, the more jealous Joshua will get, and the more Jiwon will realise she needs to back off.”

You nodded, writing it down. “That means we’ll probably have to pose for photos, go on dates and such.”

“Eh, we already hang out loads, we’ll just have to add cheesy captions. Doesn’t sound difficult at all.”

Jeonghan was right. You had spent way too many years being friends with him to ever feel uncomfortable around him, and with that boundaries were out of the window. Half of your outings looked like dates, and this wasn’t even the first time the two of you had used that ambiguity to convince others you or he wasn’t available. It was the first time you were actively deceiving people though. Perhaps that was why you felt on edge. All the other times, you had just let people come to their own conclusions, this time you would be lying. Was that why your heart was beating more? Was that what was causing the sudden discomfort as you laid in Jeonghan’s arms?

“Okay, that’s three rules, do we need anything else? Is there anything we’re forgetting?”

He thought about it for a moment, then brushed it off, letting the thought roll away from his shoulders, while yours stayed tensed and rigid. “We can probably add as we go along. Leave it on your fridge, oh but hide it when you get guests.”

“Well duh.” You rolled your eyes at him, grabbing a cherry out of his bowl. You chewed it softly, and groaned in surprise at the way it burst open. “God these are way too ripe, why are you eating them?”

“They still taste good, and they make me look like a vampire.” He grinned at you, showing off his stained canines (and chin, but you decided not to focus on that). “Just spray me with body glitter and I’ll have hoards of fangirls.”

“You already have hoards of fangirls, and fanboys.” You reminded him, rubbing at the corner of your mouth where cherry juice exploded down.

Jeonghan watched as you missed the trail of juice that had begun to dry on your skin. He smiled, and before you knew it he had licked his thumb, wiping away the red line from your mouth. Your breath hitched as you watched his eyes, trained on you, the part of your cheek right next to your lips, so much so that it felt like that’s all he was looking at. He smiled, drawing his finger back, with a satisfied look on his face. 

“There,” He whispered, barely audible had you not been pressed up against him. “You can get a taste of the Yoon Jeonghan Boyfriend Treatment early.”

“Gross, you got your saliva all over me.” You whined, pushing him away. “I gotta wash my face now.” You ignored his chuckles as you made a beeline for the bathroom, eager to get him off of you, in every sense.

“You better get used to my saliva babe!” He laughed as you walked away from him. Cute.

It’s a strange feeling to ponder on your time with someone, but that’s what you watched yourself do in the hour before you were, technically, officially going out with him. The hour until midnight struck, you were in bed, teeth brushed, pajamas on, and only Jeonghan on your mind.

You’ve spent more of your life with him in it than without him. He was in the year above you at school, but you and him always gravitated to the same napping spot under the bleachers, and from there a comfort was born. Even before that, he was always around, his friends were the older brothers of your friends, and you had known each other by association, which made it easier to grow into an easy friendship come middle school. Half of the times you had suspected someone’s growing crush on you, it was Jeonghan whispering rumours into your ear. He had always looked out for you, and as the two of you aged and grew closer, you looked out for him too, until you two felt most comfortable together, and not with anyone else.

It had never stopped the two of you from dating, of course. He was hot, you were hot, and other people realised it. In your case though, it had been a force driving boyfriends away. They could never quite get used to how close you and Jeonghan were, and you had been accused of cheating or leading them on more times than you could count. Meanwhile, Jeonghan’s flings always came rushing to you on advice and inside intel, seemingly loving your presence - until they realised that he would never put them above you, and suddenly you were the bitter best friend who could never let him date in peace.

And you had friends, mutual friends who in turn formed a large group that you welcomed and blossomed with. But no one could ever come in between you and Jeonghan. The two of you existed in a little bubble, never to be popped or disturbed. You could imagine the delight some of your friends would express once you told them you two were an item, they were always the teasing that you two were secretly dating and hiding it from the world.

But you were an adult now, the two of you had been out of high school and university for several years now, and still you weren’t dating, despite being so close, it drove your friends mad. You knew that you didn’t need to explain it, as long as you and Jeonghan were on the same page. Boyfriends would come and go, but Jeonghan was always your priority. It had always been platonic, but you knew that if nothing else lasted, your friendship with Jeonghan would. He knew it too. 

You turned, groaning into your pillow. How were you going to go to this wedding? Part of the beauty of your relationship with Jeonghan was that it was simple. It had never once felt complicated to you, just because other people didn’t understand it doesn’t mean you didn’t. But not dating for over a decade and suddenly starting to go out? Only to break it off three weeks later? That felt too complicated to explain, or even comprehend. Would people even believe it?

You were so tempted to text Jeonghan to call it off, to find another stunning specimen to hang off his arm and scare away Jiwon. She was all bark, no bite - no matter what hurtful words she had spat at Jeonghan when he tried calling their thing off, she wouldn’t go up and make light of those threats. Ultimately, she was harmless, but terrible at taking hints. Hence why he’s created this dumb plan. It wasn’t too late to back out was it? You grabbed your phone, and it dinged in your hand.

12:01. Shit.

And there it was, a text from your loving boyfriend.

Hannie: Happy first day of dating, baby ;)

No backing out now.

Day 1 - Saturday 3rd November

After the reminder Jeonghan had sent of your month long promise, you had rolled around your bed until you finally nodded off, and then subsequently overslept, which was only made clear as a banging on your door began to wake you.

Jeonghan was here.

The knock (which was always made with the full force of his fists - you swore that one day he was going to break your door down) was nothing other than courtesy. Jeonghan had his own set of keys to your apartment, and he wasn’t shy about using them. You could already hear him fumbling with the keys, and the muttered curses under his breath. You couldn’t wait to make partner and get out of this place and to somewhere with more soundproofing, you were certainly sick of hearing the muffled grunts and moans of your neighbours who had nothing better to do than spend the nights in each other(’s arms). But it did allow you those few seconds of awareness before Jeonghan barged into your home.

The door finally swung open, and there he was in his full glory - your new boyfriend. Even thinking the word in association with Jeonghan gave you a shudder. There was something about thinking of Jeonghan that way that just felt so… alien. It wasn’t like you had never had those wandering thoughts, but that was all they were: visitors who didn’t stay long. Now, the label was here for three weeks, and you were way too tired to comprehend just how long that really was.

“Why aren’t you up? Don’t you remember we’re helping Minghao set up the venue today? We’ve also got to make an all so important announcement, in case you forgot.”

You groaned, smoothing down your bedhead as best you could to be semi presentable. “I know, I just overslept. Struggled to fall asleep last night.”

He looked over at you as you stumbled out of bed, grabbing the coat hanger that had your outfit off your dresser as you walked slowly to the bathroom. “Just give me 20 minutes to get ready.”

“Are you feeling okay Y/N?” He asked carefully, walking closer to you. “It’s not too late to call it off, I don’t want to stress you out, especially with everything going on with work.”

It was certainly a tempting offer, and one you had been considering just the previous night. But looking back at Jeonghan’s concerned expression, you were reminded of why you even agreed in the first place. Yes, you wanted to make Joshua jealous, and that was your main goal, but Jeonghan had never let you down, and you weren’t going to let him down either.

“Don’t worry. Wonwoo’s wedding is on the 24th. Four Saturdays, I can definitely last that long.” You told him, blinking away the puffiness in your eyes. He didn’t seem too convinced, but you knew Jeonghan was too far in it to say anything else. “Twenty minutes, then we’ll go.”

Day 1 (cont.)

You weren’t too sure when it happened, but somewhere along the car ride, Jeonghan’s spare hand had nestled into yours. It felt somewhat romantic. You were no stranger to holding his hand, but it meant something different this time. Of course, something deceptive, but still different.

As the car pulled to the stop, you squeezed his hand comfortingly. 

“Ready?”

You and Jeonghan smiled at each other, and to anyone who could see past the tinted windows, you were putting on your best show even before you walked out of the car. Of course, knowing Seungcheol, he was probably waiting outside the venue, and this sort of attention to detail that Jeonghan had mastered was crucial considering your friends.

“Ready.”

Your hands detached as the two of you got out of the car, only to join once more as Jeonghan rushed to your side, draping his arm across your shoulder and kissing your hand. You were almost shocked by his actions, the ones that felt so loving, until you heard the all too familiar screech of his would be best friend (had that title not been taken by you, long ago).

“Yoon Jeonghan! Did you and Y/N finally confess your love to each other?!” Seungcheol yelled across the parking lot, jogging up to you.

“Showtime.” Jeonghan whispered in your ear, nuzzling his nose against your skin. It was so sickeningly puppy love, you had to hold yourself back and be reminded that this is your life for the next month. “Seungcheol!”

He walked up and hugged his friend, and you followed suit, before settling back at Jeonghan’s side. Seungcheol couldn’t hide his grin, going on and on. “I knew it! For years, you guys said there was nothing there, but I knew it would happen eventually! I told you so, didn’t I Jeonghan? And all you ever said, Y/N and I are just friends, they would never see me that way, but HAH! I was right!”

Seungcheol kept rambling, barely even speaking to you, truthfully it felt more like he was yelling at characters on a screen rather than friends he had known for all his life (at least in Jeonghan’s case - you only got to know Seungcheol as you got closer to Jeonghan).

“Everyone’s going to be so shocked, even more so than when Wonwoo finally proposed.”

You scoffed. “No one was surprised when Wonwoo proposed, we were all surprised he hadn’t proposed sooner.”

“Same sentiment they’ll have with us, I guess.” Jeonghan shrugged, tightening his grip around you. You held your bated breath as you thought about just how close you were to Jeonghan, that if you reached out just a little you could tuck that stray hair that was in front of his face away, you always thought he looked so much nicer when his face wasn’t covered-

“…dating?” Seungcheol’s sentence finally trailed off, and you realised he was waiting for your answer. Shit, you hadn’t paid any attention, and it was clearly evident by your lost expression. “God you two are still in the honeymoon phase, pay attention to me as well, not just your boyfriend.”

Your nose almost curled so instinctively at that word. Boyfriend. It still felt so wrong to use for Jeonghan, and by the way he tensed only ever so slightly beside you, you knew he felt the same. As if you were claiming him, but you knew Jeonghan wouldn’t want that, that’s why he froze. Wasn’t it?

“Come on, let’s go inside, you can tell everyone you’re finally dating!”

You and Jeonghan followed Seungcheol, who chattered away to Jeonghan as you walked in silence. You were always the more quiet of the pair. Not exactly introverted or shy, but picky with your words. You hated the idea of saying something you didn’t mean. Jeonghan was careful too, but it was like he had everything ready before anything else was ever said. Jeonghan was always careful, always clever. 

He had never been the boyfriend type. Everyone knew it. He had flings, some that even lasted months, but never relationships. He went on dates, but only those that ended up in a hookup. The word boyfriend had never been used to describe him, only used as a wish others had hoped he would fulfill. Your friends would always tease, of course, that he could never be a boyfriend to anyone else because he was too busy being a boyfriend for you, but the two of you knew it wasn’t that. No, Jeonghan could never be a boyfriend to anyone because he didn’t want the expectations that came with it. Jeonghan did as he wanted, on his own terms. But a boyfriend has a role to play, and Jeonghan would die before he gave into that. It was always frustrating for him that his friends never seemed to understand that, but now it played right into his plan. And you understood, so did anyone else need to?

As Seungcheol ushered you in, you were surprised to see just how many of your friends were already gathered, moving chairs and dusting the floors, with Minghao set in the centre, directing everyone. Wonwoo and his fiancee were doing their best to cut costs, with Minghao acting as wedding planner, and all their friends chipping in to help out where they could, which of course is how you all ended up setting up a wedding venue inside a dusty old warehouse. Minghao assured them it would look beautiful, if and only if everyone listened carefully to every instruction he gave, without deviation. To say you and Jeonghan were scared of pissing him off was definitely an understatement. 

Eyes snapped to you and Jeonghan at the sound of the door closing, and even more gathered in your direction as Seungcheol started yelling about an announcement.

“Y/N and Jeonghan have something to say!” He yelled across the crowds (well, 30 or so friends), apologising silently to Minghao as he glared at the older boy.

You froze, hiding your head in Jeonghan’s arm as the pressure of being watched suddenly settled into you. He smiled at you, and wagged your hand held in his at everyone. “Y/N and I are dating!”

Everyone erupted into gasps and shouts, but were all effectively shut up by Minghao’s yell. “Get this place clean first, then gossip!”

Jun walked up to you, handing you a mop and reading off instructions Minghao had given him on everything that needed to be done today. “But seriously, I am so happy for you guys. Good luck fielding everyone off though, everyone’s gonna have so many questions.”

You walked over with Jun to where Chan, Yeeun, Sakura, and Seungkwan were all mopping the floors. The youngest pushed you gently, grinning at you. 

“I can’t believe you and Jeonghan are finally dating!” Chan grinned. “Took you guys long enough.”

“I guess it’s been a long time coming.” You hummed, as you started cleaning the floors with them. You looked back to where Jeonghan was, now surrounded by friends who were congratulating him. It filled you with a strange pride to know you were a prize to be congratulated for winning. Of course, they don’t know it’s not real. But the illusion still felt victorious.

“Is everyone here? It’s been ages since we all met up.” 

“Yeah! Oh, everyone but Joshua, he had to cancel last minute.” You felt your shoulders threaten to drop at the news Soonyoung shared. “Of course, the day we’re cleaning away the dust and mould, he can’t make it.”

Sakura hit his shoulder softly. “He would come if he could. There was an emergency at his firm.”

There was no skylight, but you were sure that if there was one, the clouds would have covered the sunlight.

You were only a year younger than Joshua, only a year younger than Jeonghan, but he had already been a junior partner at his firm for three years now, while you were spending every spare hour at your office in a desperate attempt to prove to the asses behind the desks in the floor above yours how much you deserved to be partner. 

You weren’t surprised when Joshua was made partner. He was incredible, a talented lawyer who saw shortcuts and loopholes no one else realised were there. He was so dedicated, and smart, and dreamy, although you were sure that last part wasn’t one of the qualifying traits for partnership. 

Your whole life, you were a step behind him. Most of that was just the fact that he was a year ahead of you: he graduated first, he took his bar exam first, he joined a firm first. Meanwhile you were the sad kid following him from place to place.

It was no secret Joshua cared for you like a younger sibling. Of course, he wasn’t always around, he couldn’t be. He had too much to do, too many places to be. But he cared about you, and always made sure you knew. What was a secret were the feelings you had for him, locked in a cage next to your heart, with a bluebird that sang love songs to fuel your adoration for him. Only Jeonghan knew, and he had been sworn to secrecy. (It didn’t matter that he had been - he could keep a secret easily, and he would have never given away one of yours.)

When you were seventeen, and Joshua left you to go to university, that was the first moment you realised just how much you cared for him. You ended up in the same university, and then later the same law school, and now the same city. The years you shared in law school, cuddled up in sofas trying to decipher notes from lectures, and questioning the sanity of professors formed a budding love, and one that you only realised when he left you once more. You followed him and Jeonghan place to place, in a desperate attempt to have him realise just how you felt, and he never did. You were his Y/N, always around, always there for him, but never an option. And while he dated, you did too, but no one seemed to replace him. All your exes blamed Jeonghan for your failed relationships, when they should have blamed Joshua. 

And now here you were once again, back home from cleaning up Wonwoo’s rented warehouse, once again wishing he had noticed you, wishing that he would finally see you in a different light.

Day 2 - Sunday 4th November

“You have to pose more like you’re my boyfriend.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know! But you’re not very good at this.”

Jeonghan groaned, shoving your phone away from his face like a disgraced celebrity. The two of you had met out for coffee and, in your case, highlighting case notes and writing out forms, while Jeonghan edited scripts. You always thought Jeonghan should have gone into law like you and Joshua, he certainly had the intelligence for it, but he didn’t particularly have a drive to become a lawyer, and in his eyes it was too much work if he wasn’t motivated. Times like this convince you that perhaps he was correct. 

Except now that the two of you were dating, there was also the task of creating the evidence necessary to post your relationship, and it was tedious and confusing having to show the difference between you as friends and you dating when nothing has changed. 

“We might as well just post a photo of you or I in lingerie if you want to make it look more like a real relationship.” Jeonghan said teasingly, although you didn’t miss the hint of frustration in the growl of his voice. 

“Gross.”

“Let me see the photos you’ve taken at least.” You handed your phone to Jeonghan, moving your attention back to the case in front of you. Malcom Optics vs. Kim and Hogan. You wanted to tear your eyes out. “These are boyfriend-y enough!”

“They look like all the other photos I have of you!”

“Everyone else was convinced we were dating beforehand, that’s definitely relationship kindling.”

You reached our for your phone from his hands, grabbing a highlighter. “It’s not enough. Apparently, something has changed.”

“Fine then. Kiss me.”

You dropped your highlighter, and it clacked to the floor.

“Excuse me?”

“You wanted to show that something has changed, what do people in relationships do? They kiss.” Jeonghan explained nonchalantly, leaning down to grab your highlighter. “We can post a kissing photo, you’re right, it’s more believable this way.”

“B-But…”

“It’s not like we’ve never kissed before, anyway.”

He was right, and you cringed at the memory of being drunk with Jeonghan. The two of you had spent a couple of nights in university drinking your problems away on the floor of your dorm when your roommate was away (and considering the sheer number of parties she spent her time at, you and Jeonghan had a semi frequent tradition), and one such night after an emotional day of being accused of cheating, you ended up making out with an equally wasted Jeonghan, only for the two of you to wake up with an insurmountable feeling of dread and regret. The two of you had always known whatever relationship between the two of you was platonic, but that night destroyed any sort of wondering. There was no way you had feelings for him if it resulted in that awful dread. And it made you so nervous to experience it once more.

“Y/N?”

“Fine.”

You got up from the desk to sit on Jeonghan’s lap. The seats at this coffee shop were comfortable, but not enough for two people to sit together. Jeonghan felt himself tense up as you settled into his lap. It had been way too long since the two of you kissed, and a strange feeling settled in his stomach.

“Ready?” You asked him, moving your phone into position.

“Guess I have to be.”

Jeonghan placed his hand so his thumb nestled just in front of your ear, holding the back of your neck securely, and closed his eyes as he kissed you, waiting for the click of your phone camera, which came quickly. You quickly pulled away to look at the results, ignoring the way your stomach dropped. It meant nothing. But why was it lingering?

“This actually looks good. We look like we could actually be dating here.”

You hummed in satisfaction, moving back to your desk to focus once more on this case, and you hoped Jeonghan missed the coy smile on your lips. 

He was too busy thinking about how his own felt.

Day 7 - Friday 9th November

“Sofia is hosting a party, we��re going once you’re free from work.” Jeonghan’s voice was gravelly over the phone, and the reception in your office was so bad, you were barely getting every other word.

“Who’s Sofia again?” You asked, hardly paying attention to the question. Instead, your attention was trained on the office door on the other side of your office, where your coworker, Eunwoo, resided. You just watched as two senior partners had stepped in, and it had been now 26 minutes since the door closed. Were they going to promote him over you? Or perhaps he was getting fired? You had seen him grab one too many pens from the office storage room, he could have been selling them to make a bit of side money. Probably not. But could he?

“Vernon’s sister, try to keep up.”

“Right yeah, sister.”

“Who’s sister?”

“Umm…”

Jeonghan sighed on the phone, and you winced at his tone. “You’re working too hard. Or overthinking. One of the two. Either way, you need this party.”

“I’ve got so much work to do, Hannie.” You told him, taking note of the time. There were two shadows by the base of Eunwoo’s door. Someone’s feet? Was the meeting over yet?

“But it’s a Friday! You can work on the weekend. I’ll drive you, and I’ll stay sober so I can take you home. Besides, Joshua is going to be there.”

You perked up at the sound of his name. “Really? He’s actually coming?”

“Yeah, he called me earlier to make sure you and I were coming, and I told him you were. You don’t wanna flake on him, do you?”

You sighed. Your resolve was always diminished when Joshua was involved. 

“Fine.” You smiled, imagining Jeonghan celebrating on the other side of the line. “I have to stay back late though, can you bring me a change of clothes? Something comfy though.”

“Got it, I’ll bring dinner and your sexiest ensemble. Bye!”

“Wait-“

Day 7 (cont.)

Just like he promised, at 7:43, Jeonghan showed up at your office door, with your clothes (which were a lot tighter than you would have liked) in a bag and a pizza box in the other. He settled on the other side of your desk as you finished up, and listened as you bitched about the meeting Eunwoo had which lasted a whole 34 minutes, which is insane for what looked like an unscheduled meeting, and were they really going to pick Eunwoo over you? I mean he’s a good lawyer but the pens!

Eventually he managed to get you to stop talking and follow him to his car before driving you over to Sofia’s new place. She had just moved, to a much more relaxed neighbourhood, hence the big party. While you and your friends were close to or had just reached their 30s, with you being on the cusp at 29 (Jeonghan is old and is already in the decade ahead of you, a fact you have mentioned to him several times), Sofia was still in her early 20s, and that was definitely reflected in the party she had set up (with the help of Vernon, who was perpetually stuck at 16). Music was blaring from the house, and you silently cursed Jeonghan for dragging you out. You knew exactly how this party was going to end - with you drunk, having embarrassed yourself in at least three different ways, and passed out somewhere to nurse a major hangover in the morning. At least this time Jeonghan would stay sober, true to his word, and could take care of you. Hopefully that comes with making sure you don’t embarrass yourself, but you wouldn’t bet on it.

You instinctively reached for his hand as Jeonghan led you to the house, and you were reminded of your job. This was a big party, your friends would be there, you had to play the role you were given. Beside you, Jeonghan was reminded of the same fact.

You almost forgot everything as you approached the front door, and saw him waiting for you. Joshua waved you over, and you felt the air knocked out of you as you and Jeonghan walked up and he engulfed you two in his arms.

“I heard you guys finally started going out! Took you long enough to ask them out, Jeonghan.” Joshua’s voice was honey mellow and so soothing, you were sure just like honey it was antibacterial. You hadn’t even entered the house, and you already felt drunk on his touch. Yet your heart seemed to drop at the fact that Josh didn’t seem at all jealous or upset at this development. That’s probably a good thing? But it definitely wasn’t the outcome you wanted.

“We should get Y/N to the kitchen, I’m sure they want something to get their mind off of work.” Jeonghan told Joshua, who let you slip out of his arms as he led the two of you inside the house.

“Tough week Y/N?” Joshua asked delicately, placing his hand on your shoulder, and every worry you had seemed to drain away, only for the reminder of Eunwoo’s closed door to come right back.

“Just feel like I’m putting in effort that will never be recognised.” You grumbled, and leaned closer into Jeonghan’s side. Joshua’s sweet gaze reminded you of your goal: you wanted so desperately for him to be jealous, so you nuzzled your forehead against Jeonghan’s bicep. “Luckily I’ve had my boyfriend here to make everything better.”

You don’t think you could ever get used to that word, and evidently neither could Jeonghan, who felt as though he was choking on air. You felt the vibrations of his discomfort, but Joshua didn’t seem to notice. 

“Ahh, young love. Or, I suppose newfound love. I really am surprised you two didn’t start dating earlier.” Seungcheol’s voice suddenly permeated the air, and you watched as he settled next to Joshua, facing you and Jeonghan with a friendly gaze. “You drinking tonight, Jeonghan?”

“Designated driver.” He told him, running his thumb up and down your arm. Jeonghan didn’t miss the way Joshua looked at that small action, and he felt a glimmer of pride under his skin. “I think Y/N will want a drink though?”

“Oh god yes, Seungcheol, will you mix me something? Put those bartender days to use.” You hooked your arm around Seungcheol’s and let him guide you to the drink station (Sofia’s kitchen island which had a cupboard fully stocked with alcohol and mixers).

“Wow, you and Y/N.” Joshua smiled, and Jeonghan grinned coyly at his friend. “Why’d you finally ask them out?”

He stole a glance to you and Seungcheol. You didn’t notice his gaze, and why would you? You were too far away. But you seemed so in your world, like you always had been, something Jeonghan found endearing.

“Just realised I wanted more. Didn’t want to lose them to someone else.”

“As if you would ever lose Y/N, you two are stuck together. Honestly, I was a little jealous of it growing up, they would always pick you over me, guess this is another case of that.” Jeonghan hadn’t realised until now how Joshua’s skin was tinted pink, the blush of alcohol settling over his cheekbones. Was that why he was rambling like this? “But then I realised I had to find my own Y/N, make my own soulmate. Anyway, I’m glad you finally asked them out!”

Joshua stumbled back towards the drink station where you and Seungcheol were waiting for him. Yeah, Jeonghan wasn’t too sure he would be able to make Joshua jealous. But he owed it to you to try anyway. You weren’t always as aware as you wanted to think you were, but Jeonghan was, and he was acutely aware of the way you froze and smiled as Joshua approached you.

Over a decade had passed since you were seventeen, and you were still completely whipped for Joshua Hong. 

Jeonghan knew this, he went into this knowing it, but why did it feel different now?

Day 7 (cont.)

Two hours in and you were officially drunk. It didn’t take much - you were out of practise from your days of drinking through the night as an undergrad, and too often your nights our were at charity functions and galas where you had to stay on the safe side of tipsy, and not let loose like you were currently doing. 

You had lost Jeonghan a while ago, instead having spent most of the night with Joshua, catching up and taking shots together. He’d been having a stressful time at his own firm, and was happy to accompany you as you drank your worries about Eunwoo and making partner away.

“It’s just so stupid, cause Eunwoo is my age! He’s not more qualified than me, and he’s definitely not a better lawyer than me, cause he steals pens!”

“You mentioned the pens!”

“It’s important!”

You felt a tear roll down your cheek as you drunkenly recalled the events of the day, and before it several more followed. Joshua didn’t notice, you made no sound, but the stress of being at the office for 53 hours this past week only to get no recognition became so overwhelming so quickly, too quickly for your drunken self to register.

“Josh, did you make Y/N cry?”

You barely registered that Jeonghan had walked up to you until you heard his voice, the voice you had been missing for the whole party. 

“H-Hannie…” You choked out in sobs, reaching your arms out for him. He obliged, pulling you close to him, letting you cry into his torso.

“Y/N, you’re crying?” Joshua questioned, but you could barely hear him, your face pressed against the fabric of Jeonghan’s shirt. It wasn’t a comfortable position, to cry sitting down into someone’s chest, but right now you weren’t thinking about that. 

“Hannie w-where did you g-go, I miss- I missed you.” You sobbed, barely sounding out the words. “St-stupid Eunwoo and h-his stupid pens.”

Jeonghan cooed, running his hand through your hair soothingly. “Maybe we should go home? You need to get to bed. Josh, I’ll see you tomorrow? Say goodnight to Seungcheol for me.”

Jeonghan grasped your hand, pulling you up, and guided you out of the house to the car. 

“Why are we l-leaving?”

“You’re way too drunk. Besides, we’re helping set up Wonwoo’s venue tomorrow, better get some sleep.” Jeonghan reminded you, tucking you into the passenger’s seat and clipping the seat belt around you. You hummed, shuffling until you felt comfy, and curled up as close as you could. Your eyes fluttered closed as the car started, and soon you felt yourself dozing off, the salty tears slipping past your lips.

“You’re such a good boyfriend, Hannie.”

Had you not been so drunk, maybe you wouldn’t have said it so easily. Maybe he would have felt more uneasy about the term. He hadn’t even noticed it until you were well and truly passed out, gone to the world.

Day 8 - Saturday 10th November

The streaming sunlight that peeked through your blinds was enough to awaken the deep nausea within you, yet the banging in your head begged you to stay in bed. This was such a gross hangover, and one you hadn’t had to deal with in years. 

Who let you drink this much?

With as much strength as you could muster, you stumbled to the bathroom, luckily you had an ensuite, and felt the contents of your stomach escape up and out through your throat into the toilet bowl. The base of your throat burned, and so did your eyes, as more tears threatened to escape over the fiery sensation. You stayed there, waiting for another wave of nausea, when you felt Jeonghan’s hands push back the hair from your face, and rub your back soothingly. 

“Why did I drink so much…” You whispered, your voice hoarse and sore.

“You’re just too out of practise, Y/N.” Jeonghan told you, pulling you up slowly. “You need to spend more nights drinking with me and not at the office.”

He handed you a glass of water, which you greedily took from his hands, gulping it down as fast as you could without suffocating, until you went to fast and started coughing it all up. 

“God you’re a mess when you’re hungover.”

“Thanks, Jeonghan.”

He grabbed the box of panadol in your bottom cupboard drawer, handing it to you. God, he was far too familiar with your apartment, although you were fairly familiar with his. Well, actually not quite as familiar, because he still has a roommate (and according to Jeonghan, they are necessary for the nicer apartment he lives in on his salary, even though you’ve told him is useless since he spends most of his time here) that you never wanted to bother.

“We have to be at Wonwoo’s venue in three hours, you think that’s enough time to get ready?” You nodded, swallowing the pills quickly. 

“That should be enough time for the panadol to kick in.”

“Good, because I’m only being this nice to you until then.”

You frowned mockingly. “Don’t you have to be the sweet and caring boyfriend?” You cringed at the way that word sounded as it came out of your mouth, and watched as Jeonghan did too. “God, I don’t think twenty days is enough time to get used to that.”

“I don’t think a lifetime is enough time.” Jeonghan let himself out of the bathroom, leaving you alone on the tiled floor. “Take a shower, then come and get some food!” He yelled, and you closed the door behind you, terrified of whatever horror he had cooked up (and you used the term cooked very loosely here).

Day 8 (cont.)

It had become a tradition for you to start holding hands with Jeonghan when he would drive you. Somewhere along the car ride, his hand met yours, and they joined, not a word to be said. You didn’t think about it. You wondered if he did.

The venue wasn’t too dissimilar to last week, but it was way cleaner. Once again, you and Jeonghan were separated, sent to do different jobs under the watchful eye of Minghao (and his faithful minions Jun and Jihoon). 

“Do you think he gets stressed out or is he just like that?” Sakura whispered to you. She was friends with Wonwoo’s fiance, and wasn’t all too familiar with Wonwoo’s friends. You felt for her, most of the people here were on his side, and you were one of the only people Sakura knew here, having met previously in university. 

“Both? He is a little bit like that, but Wonwoo is a close friend, I think he just wants everything to go well.” You told her in hushed breath. “We all want it to go well. Wonwoo is such a good guy, so is Eliza.”

“I know!” Sakura gushed, a little loud but not enough to catch the attention of Minghao. “They’re so cute together, I was so excited when she told me she finally got engaged.”

You smiled, making marks with electrical tape at each measure for Seungcheol to place chairs at later on. 

“What about you though? Are you going to get engaged any time soon?”

You gulped, feeling awkward under the heat of her questioning gaze. “Jeonghan and I have only started dating, marriage is so out of the picture right now.”

“Don’t be modest! Chan told me you and Jeonghan have basically been together since high school.”

“That’s an exaggeration.” You told her, not meeting her eyes. It felt so strange, so deceitful, to keep up this lie. Were you a bad person for this? It was harmless, just a little lie to keep Jeonghan from Jiwon, but it followed you everywhere.

“We were just friends back then.” We’re just friends now. “We’ve just always been close.”

“Uh huh, and did you have feelings for him all this time?”

Wrong guy.

“I’ve always loved him.” You told Sakura, and she began to giggle once more.

That one wasn’t a lie. You have loved Jeonghan for a very long time. It’s just always been a platonic, simple love. You wondered if it still was, and then you wondered why it wouldn’t be.

But it was clear that no matter what it is, it was no longer simple.

Day 11 - Tuesday 13th November

“Hello?”

“Y/N! It’s Wonwoo.”

“Oh, hey Wonwoo! What’s up?”

“Nothing, nothing! Look, I know I haven’t been hanging out much-“

“Stop, don’t apologise! You’ve been planning a wedding, and we’re all so excited for it!”

“You’re too sweet, Y/N. Anyway, I wanted to congratulate you and Jeonghan!”

“Oh, you heard?”

“Can’t stop hearing about it. Mingyu was being a little pissy when he found out, kept saying this must have been why you didn’t like him back in year 12, instead of the fact that he face planted into a pool in front of the entire year group two days before he confessed to you.”

“I forgot about that!”

“Don’t worry, I put him in his place.”

“Ahh, thank you Wonwoo.”

“Of course. How did it go, by the way? Who asked who out?”

“Oh, I don’t wanna waste your time…”

“No no! Eliza wants to know too, go on.”

“Ahh, well, we were just hanging out one night and… one thing led to another…”

“My god did you fuck him on your leather couch because that poor piece of furniture has seen more than enough-“

“No! No, we made out, jesus Wonwoo.”

“Sorry, sorry, go on.”

“Wait what do you mean seen more than enough?”

“Okay you didn’t hear this from me but you should ask Soonyoung what he got up to that week two years ago when he was house sitting for you.”

“Oh god oh god...”

“Anyway the story?”

“I’m burning that couch.”

“Moving on.”

“Right, well we realised we both had feelings for each other, so we just decided to go for it.”

“That’s so cute! That reminds me of when we were all in uni, I got this call from Jeonghan in the middle of the night-“

“Sorry Wonwoo, the doorbell’s just rung, that’ll be Jeonghan. Do you wanna say hi?”

“Nah, I should get back to wedding planning. Have a good night Y/N!”

“Night Wonwoo.”

You hung up the phone as your door opened, Jeonghan’s figure standing in the doorway.

“I got kebabs!”

You ran up to rip the food out of his hands. “God I love you.”

He grinned smugly. “I know. Let’s eat!”

“Don’t sit there!”

Day 12 - Wednesday 14th November

cheolie_cherries: you guys are sickeningly cute 🤮 🤮 sunshineseok: about time you started dating! julijuli33: oh my god he’s actually taken 😭 good for y/n but we lost today wonworld: congrats guys!!

You couldn’t help but smile at the comments on Jeonghan’s instagram post of the two of you. There was a sneaky one he had taken of you working (which you had called and immediately asked him to take down, and of course he refused), as well as the kiss photo, to really prove the two of you were dating. Looking at it now sent flutters to your stomach. You had never seen yourself like this. Sure, you had dated, but it never really got all that serious, and you weren’t one for PDA, so photos like this were rare. That was probably what was causing this feeling. Right?

“Earth to Y/N.”

You snapped your head up to see Eunchae, your newest paralegal, at the doorway between your office and the hallway, grinning at you with a stack of files in her hand. She walked in, placing them on your desk.

“These need to be checked for errors.” She told you, and you waved her off.

“Got it. Anything else I can help you with?”

“Hmm, you could tell me what it is that’s on your phone making you look so giddy?”

“Nothing!” You quickly yelled, cringing at the volume your voice was raised to. “It was nothing, just having a good morning.”

“Mmm, sure…” She smiled knowingly at you, before walking away, closing the door softly behind her. When you heard the click of the door, you groaned, letting your body fall against the desk. That was too close.

Why were you even ogling? You had work to do, and you would be damned if you spent too long staring at your phone and it cost you the promotion. 

They were announcing the newest junior partner next Friday, making the decision at the end of this week. You had to win. So you turned your phone onto silent and placed it face down on the furthest corner of your desk, burying your head into the paralegal’s work. No matter how much it beckoned you back, you would not lose.

Day 15 - Saturday 17th November

When you and Jeonghan stepped into Wonwoo’s venue the Saturday before the wedding, you were practically expecting a fairytale, and that’s almost what you saw. Minghao had dedicated so much time, you knew Eliza and Wonwoo would be so shocked when they finally saw the finished product.

Still, there was much to be done, and with less and less time, everyone was rushing even more to get as much as they could done. This time, you and Sakura were stringing up fairy lights across the pews for the optimal mood lighting, as Minghao called it, and a fire hazard as Jihoon called it (so they compromised to have it on the ceiling above the pews, meaning you had to stand on a 3 decade old ladder while Sakura tried her best to guarantee it didn’t collapse).

You slowly got down from the stairs, guided down by Sakura, when you saw Joshua waiting for you, and you felt your heart beat out of your chest.

“Hey Y/N, can I borrow you for a sec?” He asked, his deep brown eyes looked through you, as if they knew all your secrets.

“Yeah, I mean, Sakura do you…?”

“No, go ahead, I need a break anyway.”

Joshua offered you his arm, to which you took, and he led you to the corridor, secluded, hidden from prying eyes.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” You asked, waiting for Joshua as he glanced away from your view.

“Look, I really am happy for you, I promise,” He began, and you recoiled slightly, holding your elbows. What was he going to say? “But I’m questioning Jeonghan.”

“Like, as a person?”

“No, as a boyfriend.” The word dripped with malice from Joshua’s lips. “Look, I know you’ve only just started going out, but he went out with a lot of people before you,”

“So did I.”

“Yeah but that’s not the point, Y/N. I’m just saying, he’s putting on this whole show of being a good boyfriend, and being faithful and kind, but he never has been before.” You stood there silently, rocking slightly, but it didn’t seem to stop Joshua. “He’s known you practically all his life, he could have had you at any point, why now? And why is he suddenly acting so different compared to his past relationships?”

Joshua put a hand on your arm gently. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but if I were you, I’d be more suspicious of his motives.” He began rubbing circles into your forearm. “I love you, I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“What about Jeonghan? Don’t you care if he gets hurt?” You asked, your voice barely a whisper.

“He’s not the one I’m most worried about.”

You stepped back, and Joshua’s hand quickly dropped from your arm. “I need to go.”

You turned away, and walked back to the venue before he could say anything.

“Just think about what I said, Y/N!” Joshua yelled behind you, but that was the last thing you wanted to do. 

Day 15 (cont.)

You were quiet the rest of the day, feeling more drained from that interaction than the intense physical labour Minghao was making you do (maybe it was the combination of both that killed you). You don’t think anyone noticed, aside from Sakura, who realised you weren’t talking but didn’t say much, but you were terrified of someone else realising, so when Jeonghan approached you with his car keys in his hand you didn’t hesitate to drag him out to the car park before anyone else could follow.

The two of you had been on the road for ten minutes in silence before Jeonghan finally broke it. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Who said anything’s wrong?” You did your best to speak nonchalantly, but Jeonghan didn’t miss the quiver in your voice.

“I’m not an idiot, I can tell when you’re upset.” You were still five minutes from your apartment, you couldn’t dance around it for that long. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Joshua pulled me to the side, asked me if we could talk, and then he told me I should be suspicious of you and your motives.” You admitted, looking out the passenger window. You felt choked up. How could he think like this?

“That’s what you’re worried about, Y/N?” Jeonghan questioned, a slight smile on his lips.

“You’re not?”

“Josh has been super stressed at his firm right? It’s cause one of the senior partners was caught embezzling. That, and he’s the only one of us going to Wonwoo’s wedding without a date.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course he’s going to act weirdly.” He brushed off your concerns with such an ease you forgot why they upset you in the first place. “Don’t take it to heart, I’m sure he’ll get back to normal soon.”

You breathed out a shaky sigh, feeling your doubts subside and settle. 

“It’s cute you were so upset though.” He teased, and you groaned, cupping your face with your hands. “You were so worried about what people thought about me, about your boyfriend.”

“Shut up, Yoon.”

“How can I? My partner cares about me too much.”

“I regret everything.”

He chuckled, stopping his remarks as he watched you calm out the corner of his eye. A secondary realisation as to why Joshua was acting like this was on the front of his mind, but it was nowhere near as comforting. No, this thought was one that was now threatening, and could result in losing you forever. 

Jeonghan didn’t want to think about the implications of Joshua being jealous. Instead, he focused on you, and the way you stared out the passenger window.

Day 15 (cont.)

“Have you still got that 12-pack at the back of your fridge?”

“Go nuts.” You told him, kicking your shoes off and lying down on the carpet on the floor. You and Jeonghan had made a mutual decision to pretend the couch wasn’t there until after Wonwoo’s wedding, then you could go shopping for a new one, and until then there was always the floor. “I haven’t been drinking much, trying to just get through this wedding and the promotion.”

“How’s that going?” Jeonghan asked, and you heard the faint pop of a bottle opener from your kitchen.

“They said they would make their decision on who would be the next junior partner by the end of the week, and make the announcement the next week. It’s Saturday now, and I haven’t heard anything, so I know what that means.”

Jeonghan settled next to you, handing you an opened beer bottle and clinking it against his own before taking a swig. “Don’t be too worried, maybe they’ll tell you you’re getting the promotion on Monday.”

“Maybe.”

“You give your everything to that firm. They’d be stupid to not want you as partner.”

“They would be stupid! How’s your boss?”

The two of you spent your evening reminiscing and complaining (two of your favourite pastimes) as you drank more and more, getting gradually more drunk, unlike on the night of Sofia’s party where you got embarrassingly shitfaced way too quickly. At some point in the night, you had cozied up to Jeonghan, and now you were nuzzled up in his arms, too comfortable to even consider moving. 

“God, this whole thing is so stupid!” You yelled, throwing your pillow across the room with as much force as you could gather, sending it a few feet ahead of you. “We gotta fake date to get people off your back and onto mine, meanwhile Joshua’s not gotten jealous once and we haven’t even seen Jiwon!”

“Don’t say her name three times, or she’s gonna appear.” Jeonghan told you, wide eyed, taking a quick look around the room just to confirm she wasn’t there. 

“Pussy.”

“She’s coming to the rehearsal dinner though!” Jeonghan told you, wagging his pointer finger in the air, making you giggle. “And that’s Friday, so it’s coming up soon.”

“Ahh the rehearsal dinner. What are we rehearsing again?”

“We’re rehearsing how to fake date, Y/N, we’ve been over this.”

“And we have a whole dinner for it?”

“Yes! How kind of Wonwoo.”

You burst into fits of laughter, lolling your head into the crook of Jeonghan’s shoulder as you laughed, and he followed suit. Moments like this were ones where you felt so comfortable with him, like the bubble was intact once more. 

“We should start rehearsals now!” Jeonghan exclaimed, grabbing your elbows excitedly. “What do people in relationships do?”

You shrugged, and his arms moved with your shoulders. “I don’t know, you’re basically my first boyfriend.”

“Well you’re the first time I’m being a boyfriend.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” He admitted, giggling. The two of you were so far gone, and neither of you had the capacity to realise it. “But I know people in relationships kiss! Kiss me Y/N!”

“Ew gross, you have cooties.” You pushed away his pouted lips.

“No I don’t! I’m vaccinated against cooties!” He whined, pulling you closer to him.

“What if I have cooties?”

“Just kiss me!”

Jeonghan grabbed your face, guiding it to his own, where his lips met yours in a kiss. It was delicate, a kiss for the sake of kissing, and you relished in the feeling. There was a comfort to kissing Jeonghan, a comfort you hadn’t felt for several years. He was comfort, and his kisses were a perfect specimen of that comfort. Kissing him was returning home after a winter’s day.

But decisions were sobering, and the feeling of your lips against his suddenly drained all the alcohol from Jeonghan’s body. He pulled away slowly to see you still half lidded, barely aware of your surroundings. He stole a glance at the clock on the wall, 2AM. Maybe the two of you should end the night here, before you did something you couldn’t go back from.

“Time to sleep, Y/N.”

“Don’t wanna.” You shrugged him off. “Wanna kiss you more!”

Jeonghan chuckled. “Me too. But we can’t.”

As he tucked you into bed, you were already on the verge of passing out, but he was wide awake. Jeonghan found himself hoping the hangover would be a bad one, a distraction from the memories he knew would flood back. He didn’t need to be reminded of how stupid he could be.

Day 16 - Sunday 18th November

Your hangover wasn’t as bad as last Saturday, but you still didn’t feel like dealing with the pounding headache. This time, as you went to wash your face and drink water in the bathroom, there was no Jeonghan to hold your hair back and give you panadol. He wasn’t in the kitchen causing a mess (cooking) either. No, your apartment was strangely quiet without his presence. As the pain in your head began to subside, you checked your phone to see a message sent three hours prior.

Hannie: work emergency - had to leave early. drink lots of water <3

Something felt so off about the message. Jeonghan’s boss was fairly laidback, and he had never had work emergencies that made him go to the studio on weekends. But you were also way too hungover to question it.

You hoped Jeonghan’s hangover had already passed. 

Day 18 - Monday 20th November

You called Jeonghan twice. It went to voicemail both times.

Day 19 - Wednesday 21st November

There was a flurry among the paralegals that day. You tried to ignore it, to keep your head down, but the amount of papers flapping in the air made you feel like there was a hoard of pigeons down the corridor. You hated the ‘open door unless in a meeting’ policy at work: half of the lawyers your level didn’t even follow the rule anyway. You wouldn’t have followed it had you not wanted so desperately to show what a good team member you were, and yet here you were, on a Wednesday afternoon, with nothing to show you it.

There was an annoying rap against your open door, and you briefly lifted your head to see Cha Eunwoo leaning against your doorframe. Eugh. Cha Eunwoo. The two of you were in the same cohort: graduated from high school in the same year, graduated from uni at the same time, went to the same law school, and both went straight to Kim-Byun Legal Services, where you’ve spent the entirety of your careers. And throughout law school and now work, you have wanted to beat Cha Eunwoo no matter the cost, and you never managed it.

“Can I help you? I’ve got quite a bit of work to complete.”

Eunwoo waltzed right in, taking the seat in front of your desk. “I have news, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

“Do I even get a chance to say no? Not interested?”

Eunwoo was smart. You were smart too, but you liked to think (and Jeonghan liked to tell you) that you were smarter than most of those law students you competed against. Sure, they studied hard, they were good lawyers. But you were quick witted, and they couldn’t keep up. Eunwoo could. If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t be opposed to playing dirty, to pulling little tricks where you could to show him up, but Eunwoo would catch on. The only thing he didn’t seem to notice was how desperate you were to beat him. He never realised the battle you constantly fought, and it killed you. So you had to work twice as hard, three times as much, and play by the rules, just to win a challenge where you were the only one competing.

“I made partner!”

(At this point you stopped writing. This was the first time Eunwoo had ever managed to completely distract you.)

“I’m not supposed to tell anyone before Friday, that’s when they’re announcing it. But I get the new contract this evening, and you and I came in together, I know you would tell me if it was you!”

No shit you would. You would love to act all classy and poised, only to rub it in his face that you won! You did better! But no, Eunwoo won. Throughout everything, this was the first concrete time he’s won, and it’s shattered your reserve. You’re a good actor though, something that helped you get through this job, so you keep your head down.

“That’s great Eunwoo, congratulations. We’ll celebrate properly next week, I’ve got a rehearsal dinner on Friday though.” You met his gaze with a smile, even though there was rage behind it. Eunwoo didn’t seem to notice. “Now, I’ve got to get back to work.”

He nodded, barely containing his grin, shuffling out of your office. “See you later Y/N.”

God you wanted to cry. You wanted to yell and scream, cursing the world, the senior partners, and most of all Cha Eunwoo, who had showed you up once more.Your composure was slipping, a veil that threatened to fall off your head and reveal your facade to the world, but you refused to lose it at work. Instead, you closed the door as gently as you could, and hoped to god that the third time you called him, Jeonghan would pick up.

“Please, please, please pick up…” You whispered, as if you were summoning him.

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

Fuck. Voicemail. Once again.

You heard a beep and considered hanging up, but instead decided to send a message.

“Hey, um, I don’t know if you’re just busy, or you’re mad at me, I really hope it’s not the second. I haven’t heard from you in a while. That’s why I’m calling, I guess. Oh, and I’m not gonna be partner. I got passed over for it. Cha fucking Eunwoo made partner. Fuck. Sorry, I’m rambling now. I hope you’re doing okay? You know you can always come to me, but if you don’t want to that’s okay I guess, I’ll leave you be.”

Day 19 (cont.)

When you went home that day to punch your pillows and scream about Cha Eunwoo, the last thing you expected was to see Yoon Jeonghan walk in with chicken and beer as if nothing had happened, which was especially strange, as it was so expected on a normal day. But something was off. Something had changed. You just couldn’t quite put your thumb on what it was. 

“Are you mad at me?” You asked, your eyes more glassy than you realised. You could barely see Jeonghan, but you knew he had that stupid damn smile. Right now it was infuriating. “Is that why you disappeared?”

“No, never.” He told you, setting the chicken down on your dinner table. “Things really have just been so busy at work, I’ve barely had time for anyone.”

“But you have time to drop by with chicken?”

“Cha Eunwoo is an idiot compared to you.” Jeonghan told you, opening the can of beer with a hiss. “They missed out on not promoting you.”

You didn’t say anything in response, just stuffing your mouth with chicken. Jeonghan passed you a beer can. “Maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve got work in the morning, and last time we drank I didn’t remember anything after we started bitching about that one actor, Park Sunwoo.”

Jeonghan smiled at you, but you barely noticed, your expression trained on the can in front of you.

“Yeah, I don’t remember either,” He told you. “But one can’t hurt. We drank way too much last time, I’ll keep you in check.”

You shrugged, opening the can, and clinking it against Jeonghan’s. “Thanks boyfriend.” The metal made a satisfying clank noise, and you missed the way Jeonghan looked over at you. Maybe it’s changed, or maybe you’ve been missing it for a long time.

Jeonghan is your blind spot. You didn’t like surprises, you didn’t like feeling caught out, and you would always make sure you weren’t, until it came to Jeonghan. No matter how fast you ran, he always seemed to beat you by a few seconds. No matter how strong you were, he could always lift more. You and Jeonghan both had that same competitive drive, but you could never quite match him. As a teenager it pushed you to be better and better, but you’ve come to accept it. You’ll never beat Jeonghan. That’s why it’s always better to be on his side. 

You were observant, but you let your guard down around him. That was how Jeonghan won. He never let his guard down around anyone. He didn’t need to have it up around you, he didn’t keep secrets from you (and you didn’t keep them from him). But he kept everything close to his chest, and he wouldn’t let himself get caught out at any moment.

You wondered if it was hard for him to never reveal himself fully. You knew he still kept to himself around you. It was the only way he could still play tricks, pull pranks, and he loved it. He wouldn’t stay reserved if he didn’t want to. Still, it’s tough to feel like you can never fully reveal your facade. 

But there were moments he did. Like tonight, as he tucked you into bed once you fell asleep, and kissed your forehead with a sweetness he didn’t know was there. Maybe he would reveal it to you one day, but all in good time. 

You didn’t like feeling caught out. Jeonghan hated it with everything he’s got.

Day 21 - Friday 23rd November

“How are you feeling about seeing Jiwon?” Jeonghan didn’t answer, but the grip he had on your hand tightened as he stared down at the road. 

He and Jiwon were a bad match. He knew that, he knew that from the moment they met and she started talking about having a husband around at home to help with the kids one day. Jeonghan knew he could never be that. Sure, he had daydreamed about settling down, raising a family. Jeonghan could never be the husband Jiwon wanted him to be. Could never be the husband he wanted to become. But she was just so pretty, and she would stare down at him with a feverish grin that just made him weak in the knees, how could he say no to her?

So for three weeks, they went out, which for Jeonghan just meant promises of another day he never intended to keep so he could get back to her apartment. But she fully intended on keeping those promises, and soon she was the one setting up dates, and changing her name in his phone (which really freaked Jeonghan out, because, when did she have access to his phone?) to seem more like a girlfriend. Maybe Jeonghan wanted a girlfriend, but he definitely didn’t want to be a boyfriend, and now he was stuck acting one.

Jiwon didn’t believe him when he told her weeks later that they were incompatible. Why would she? She believed every lie that dripped from his lips, and couldn’t wrap her head around why it suddenly changed overnight. She thought he was lying, just trying to keep her away, but a good girlfriend doesn’t give up so easily.

And so began the midnight calls, the uninvited show ups to his workplace or his apartment (Seungcheol definitely had a fun time telling her off, not that it kept her away), and the letters slid under your door begging for your help getting Jeonghan back. This is what led to the whole thing. She seemed to calm down once Jeonghan posted you on his instagram, but neither of you could predict what she would do when she saw you together. 

She was Eliza’s sister in law (Eliza’s brother’s wife’s sister, who just had to attend), so her attendance was expected, and you knew it made Jeonghan all the more nervous, especially in the way he would speed round corners. It didn’t frighten you, but worry for your friend escaped you anyway, and you squeezed his hand whenever the car revved. 

Jeonghan pulled into the street along Wonwoo’s house, seeing cars littered along the side, and Jeonghan pulled the car into park. You took his hand off the gear shift and brought it to your lips, kissing it comfortingly. “Everything’s gonna be alright. I promise.”

“You promise?” He took a glance at you, and smiled cheekily. “Well what happens if you break the promise? What do I get?”

“I’ll cook you an actually decent brekkie to apologise, not those rubber pancakes you’ve been serving me these past few weeks.”

“Hey! You love those pancakes!”

“The texture is so chewy and terrible Jeonghan, I’m begging you to just use a recipe.”

“I don’t need one.” He huffed, but he never let go of your hand.

You rolled your eyes at his dramatics. Honestly, he was right. You did love the pancakes. Of course, they were way too chewy and tasted of nothing without lashings of sugar and lemon, but you loved that Jeonghan had been making them for you all the past mornings you had spent together. 

“Cmon, it’s time to head inside.”

The two of you walked hand in hand towards the door, and you could feel the deep breaths Jeonghan took to calm his pulsing heart. He really didn’t want to cause a scene or do anything to ruin Wonwoo’s rehearsal dinner (or god forbid the actual wedding), but he felt so much more secure with your hand in his.

You weren’t surprised to see Wonwoo’s place completely packed. He and Eliza were having a fairly small wedding, but with the sheer number of family members on Eliza’s side, their starter apartment was bursting at the seams. You held onto Jeonghan as tightly as you could, and still you felt like he was slipping from your grasp.

“Y/N! Jeonghan!” A familiar voice greeted you, and you turned to see Jun greet you. You hugged him gently as he started going on about seating plans (there wasn’t much of a plan, with half of the guests eating off of paper plates on the floor, but Wonwoo had made sure to save his nice carpet for you and a few of his friends). “Don’t worry, the two of you are together, of course. Minghao stayed up all night setting up this seating chart.” You scanned your eyes to see who was attending, and saw most of your friends, minus one. 

“Is Joshua here?” You cut Jun off with a worried look. “He was acting really weird last Saturday.”

“Yeah, he’s helping out in the kitchen.” Jun told you, pointing down past the archway to where there was (hopefully steam) pouring out. “He seemed fine to me though, he’s probably over whatever it was. Oh! Mingyu’s just arrived. He’s so late, that goddamn best man should have been here an hour ago! Got to run.”

Jun rushed past you, leaving Jeonghan and you hand in hand in the entryway. Jeonghan turned to look at you. “Is this a I want to see Joshua and flaunt our thriving and perfect relationship at him so he gets jealous?”

You pushed his shoulder. “No. It’s an I think I should be avoiding him thing. I’m still a little shocked by what he told me.”

Jeonghan smiled down at you. “Good luck avoiding him when we’re sitting with him at dinner.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you really have to pay more attention to Jun’s rambles. They often contain useful information.”

You groaned, leaning your head against his arm. He smiled, leading you towards the carpet, where Seokmin and Seungkwan were already seated. You waved a hello towards them, not wanting to remove yourself from Jeonghan’s side.

“God these two are way too cute together.” Seokmin spoke, nudging Jeonghan’s side. 

You blushed, hiding your face as much as you could. Jeonghan was almost shocked at your display, you were far too good at playing the doting S/O, but it was working. He watched the way Joshua stared at you from the kitchen doorway. He knew without a doubt from the way Joshua looked over at you how jealous he was. That was what he wanted, right?

After a few minutes of small talk, Joshua eventually sat down next to you (even though there was a free space between to Jeonghan and Seokmin, which Jihoon ended up filling, with his husband settling in next to him) and the rehearsal dinner began. Luckily, with Minghao as wedding planner, there was never a free moment for Joshua to steal your attention. Jeonghan wasn’t sure if you or him was more glad about the fact, but he kept an arm around you at all times, separating your shoulder from Joshua’s. 

As the dinner went on, with less formality and more people moving around the space to congratulate the future couple and catch up with old friends, your ‘table’ settled into a comfortable talk. Jun was right, Joshua seemed fine, which only made Jeonghan feel more uneasy. It helped settle your nerves though, and Jeonghan realised your grip on his side had loosened, and you were leaning towards Joshua ever so slightly. No one else at the table would realise, but Jeonghan knew, and he was sure Joshua did too.

“Honestly I’m still surprised Jeonghan actually had the guts to ask Y/N out.” Seokmin said offhandedly, and you looked up at Jeonghan with a cute grin. You were so good at playing the role, but why didn’t it feel like a role anymore? Jeonghan must be losing his touch if he was falling for your act. 

Joshua took a sip of his wine, smiling as he spoke. “We all thought you two would never get a date before you realised you liked each other. Good thing you finally manned up to it, Jeonghan.”

Your gaze suddenly snapped towards the crowd. “Why does everyone always assume Jeonghan asked me out?” Jeonghan tensed, and everyone surrounding you looked away from your inquisitive gaze. Joshua opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off by Jiwon’s commanding presence. 

She was so short and petite, keeping to herself, but she walked with such a force that commanded attention. Her eyes were trained not on Jeonghan, but instead focused closely on you. 

“And who did ask who out?” She asked sweetly, but you felt your tongue go numb under her gaze. 

Jeonghan held you closer to his side, and you settled into him with comfort. “We kissed, and both decided to go for it. It was mutual.”

She hummed, still staring at you. “Well. I’m happy for you two.” And with that, she turned on the ball of her foot, walking away like nothing happened. You let out a shaky breath, and felt Jeonghan do the same. As Seungkwan and Seokmin started hissing gossip about Jiwon, you reached out for Jeonghan’s hand, relishing in the comfort of his touch. 

“God she’s terrifying.” You told him in a whisper. “At least it’s over.”

He grinned at you. “Damn, I was looking forward to your breakfast in bed special.”

“You think I’m serving you in my bed? You would spill it everywhere, no way am I cleaning up that mess.”

“You wound me, babe.”

Jeonghan knew Joshua was staring, maybe that’s why when the urge to kiss you overcame him, he took it, placing a kiss on your cheek, as close to your lips as he could get. You let him, only to wonder why well and truly after.

Day 22 - Saturday 24th November

You were awoken by the now familiar smell of Jeonghan’s rubber chicken pancakes, and you followed the smell out to the kitchen.

“How do you always manage to wake up before me?”

“You always sleep in way too late.” He told you, flipping a pancake onto your plate and pushing it towards you. “Last day!”

“Huh?”

“It’s the wedding today. After today, we will no longer be officially dating.”

“Oh, right.”

You didn’t realise how quickly three weeks could pass. There was a strange sense of dread that passed through your system, although you blamed the pancakes. It felt weird that after everything, tomorrow all would be as it was before, as if this whole ordeal never happened. 

“We’re gonna have to stage a breakup, of course.” Jeonghan told you, still flipping pancakes. “But we can plan that out tomorrow. In the meantime eat up! We’ll have to leave in an hour.”

You nodded along, feeling too tired to speak so early in the morning (10:30). Jeonghan sat down next to you, shovelling down pancakes as quickly as he could (how he managed to chew through those was a mystery to you) before excusing himself to your bathroom while you continued eating. God, why were these so salty today? Jeonghan’s latest prank, you suspected, but you didn’t have the strength to confront him, especially once you heard the splash of the shower turning on. You began cleaning dishes, not waiting for Jeonghan to finish showering before you stole the hot water, and giggled as you heard his shrieks. Hopefully the wedding would give you a little bit more energy.

Day 22 (cont.)

You and Jeonghan arrived at the warehouse at 11:40. You still had a few minutes before the ceremony would begin, and knowing how these things tended to go, you knew you had plenty of time. You walked hand in hand with Jeonghan, and tried not to think about how this was the last time you would be able to as you settled into a pew. Soon after, Joshua sat down next to you, clearly dateless. He didn’t say anything, and aside from a nod of recognition, you didn’t say anything to him either, instead choosing to rest your head on Jeonghan’s shoulder. 

Silence is comforting, whenever it’s done right. With you and Jeonghan, silence never felt awkward, it was just a frame of being with him. It was relaxed, you felt no need to fill the air with meaningless speak. Your silence was interrupted as Seungcheol ran up to Jeonghan.

“Han, we need your help. Wonwoo can’t find his cufflinks, he’s dropped them somewhere, and it is freaking Mingyu out, please come look.”

Jeonghan looked at you, but you smiled. “Go help them. I’ll be right here.” He hurriedly followed Seungcheol to Wonwoo’s dressing room, cursing him under his breath.

You were left alone with Joshua, and the silence suddenly felt suffocating. It didn’t seem to bother him, as he spoke quietly about the venue. “Isn’t it all so gorgeous? Minghao really did a great job pulling this off.”

You hummed, leaning over to point out the fairy lights strung along the ceiling. “See those? That was all me.”

“Ahh, I was wondering. They’re my favourite.”

You smiled, and Joshua turned to face you properly. “I’m sorry about what I said, Y/N. I didn’t mean to scare you. I think I was just jealous.”

Your eyes widened. You felt strangely off guard. “Jealous?”

“Yeah. I just broke things off with Heejin, and then having not dated anyone seriously in, I think ever, Jeonghan suddenly lands a great person like you.” He admitted shyly, squeezing your shoulder with his hand. 

“I landed him, too.” You reminded him, but you could barely process what you were saying as you realised he hadn’t moved his hand. 

“Of course. You two are good together.” He told you, and you smiled.

“We are.”

Day 22 (cont.)

The pop of a champagne bottle was one you couldn’t miss. As you entered the reception hall, your eyes gravitated towards the bar, and you pulled Jeonghan along with you. 

“I can’t believe how many of our friends are married now.” You told Jeonghan as you waited for the bartender to return with your drinks (or water, in Jeonghan’s case. He was determined to stick to his word until the very end). “First Seungcheol, then Soonyoung - who even saw that one coming - then Jihoon and now Wonwoo.”

“We’re getting into that phase of our lives.” He shrugged. “Makes sense to me.”

“Yeah but what about you and me? We’ve never even properly dated.” You pouted. “What happens when they all leave us?”

“Then we’ll have each other.” He told you. “Have you already started drinking? The reception’s only just begun.”

You grinned sheepishly. “We got here late! Anyway, it’s been such a hellish few weeks! Let me have this.” The bartender approached you with a shot glass that you quickly downed, and you pulled Jeonghan to your assigned seats (next to each other, of course). You were greeted by the same table as the night before, and you waved to Seokmin and Jihoon who sat opposite you. 

“Where’s Joshua?” You asked, and giggled when Seungkwan pointed towards the flailing figure on the dance floor. 

“He’s already drunk and living his best life.”

“Good for him!”

At the mention of his name, Joshua stumbled over, grabbing your hands in an attempt to pull you to the dance floor with him. You looked over at Jeonghan, your boyfriend for only a few more hours, but he waved you off. “Go enjoy yourself.”

You grinned, letting Joshua lead you. Jeonghan smiled as he watched you, his chest tugging with a strange feeling. 

“Why’d you let him take Y/N?” Jihoon asked. “You know he likes them.”

The tugging in his chest felt stronger, but Jeonghan ignored it. “As long as they’re having fun.”

It doesn’t matter anyway. They like him too.

Seokmin and Seungkwan eventually joined them, and Jihoon and his husband went dancing as well. Jeonghan instead placed his attention on his phone, flipping through all the stories of Wonwoo’s wedding venue he had been tagged in. There was one, posted by Soonyoung, that he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from. You were in the corner, next to Jeonghan, and there was something so sweet about the way you stared at him. It was dangerous, convincing him of something that wasn’t real. 

“Hey Jeongie.”

Jeonghan looked up to see Jiwon, sat in the seat that once belonged to you. She had that same cat like gaze that made him fall for her initially, but now he felt nothing. He really was bad at committing, he couldn’t even commit to finding Jiwon attractive.

“Hi Jiwon. What are you doing here?”

She cooed, running her hand up and down his arm, much to Jeonghan’s discomfort. He looked away, breaking the eye contact she was trying to keep. 

“Did you leave me for Y/N?” She asked, tutting under her breath. “I remember everything you told me, how they’ve never really dated. They’re not partner material, Jeongie, I am.”

“I didn’t leave you for Y/N,” He began, a shiver trailing up his spine. “We ended it because I didn’t want to date you any more. Y/N came after that.”

Jiwon leaned close, her lips barely separate from Jeonghan’s ear, and he couldn’t lean any further back in his chair. “Maybe not for long. They don’t seem to like the way we’re talking.”

Jeonghan tore Jiwon’s hand from his arm, looking to the dance floor to see tears close to spilling out of your eyes. When you met his gaze, you ran away, not willing to let him see you like this. Why did it feel this way? Joshua glared at Jeonghan, and quickly followed you as you ran down the corridor. 

“Jiwon just stop!” Jeonghan raised his voice, cringing at the volume (and the heads that turned towards the commotion). “It’s over, just leave me alone, please.”

He ignored her whimpered sobs as he got out of his seat and scrambled to find you, but the sounds of Jiwon crying made him feel awful. He didn’t exactly handle their relationship well, and he wasn’t handling what was left of yours well either. 

As he ran to find you, his heard lurched when he heard your own voice muffled by cries.

“It’s s-so dumb…”

“Clearly he was just trying to make her jealous, Y/N.” What was Joshua telling you? 

“He wasn’t doing that.”

“You don’t deserve someone who will use you.”

Jeonghan couldn’t deny the guilt those words caused on his poor heart. Sure, you knew what was happening, but he was still using you, wasn’t he? It was his idea to start this whole fake dating thing.

“I wouldn’t use you like that.”

“Josh…”

Just as he had caught up to the sound of your voice, Jeonghan caught a glimpse of you in Joshua’s embrace, with his lips on yours. And his aching heart shattered.

You pulled away from Joshua to see Jeonghan’s forlorn expression, a sight you don’t think you had ever seen before. 

“Hannie, I promise, it’s not what it-“

“Looks like? What a cliche Y/N.” He scoffed, moving away from you.

“Hey man, I kissed them.” Joshua spoke, dropping a protective arm over you, one that weighed you down and you wriggled out of quickly. “Besides, serves you right for using Y/N to make Jiwon jealous.”

“You’re so fucking stupid Joshua.” Jeonghan spat. “They were using me to make you jealous, looks like it worked, huh?”

“No, Jeonghan, wait-“

“Deal’s off, Y/N. We’re no longer dating.”

And he ran. And no matter how fast you ran too, you knew you wouldn’t be able to catch up to him.

Day 23 - Sunday 25th November

You woke up on Wonwoo’s couch with a massive headache and chest pain, although you knew only one of those was due to your hangover. He and Eliza ended up taking you home, luckily they weren’t going on their honeymoon for another week. Wonwoo was rubbing your back as you vomited, and the worst pain was knowing that it would never be Jeonghan doing this role anymore.

“I still don’t get it.” He admitted. “Although most of these weeks have been a blur for me.”

“I’m not really supposed to tell you.” You told him, sipping the glass of water in your hands. “We made these rules.”

“Tell me anyway, because no matter what it is it’s not worth losing him forever.”

You sighed, and settled against the tiled floor. “It’s a long story.”

“It’s a Sunday. Quit stalling and tell me what happened.”

“Fine fine!” You gasped, shoving Wonwoo slightly. “So pushy.”

“You know how Jiwon wouldn’t leave Jeonghan alone?” Wonwoo nodded along with your story. “Well, we knew she would be at the wedding, and Jeonghan really wanted her to take the hint that he wasn’t interested, so we decided to date. Well, fake date. Just to get her off his back.”

“And you agreed to this?”

“I didn’t really want to? But…”

“You were in love with Joshua.” You stared at Wonwoo in shock. He smiled back at you. “You’re not as difficult to read as you like to think you are. Maybe the other idiots we call friends can’t see it, but it was fairly obvious to me.”

“But you didn’t realise Jeonghan and I weren’t actually together?”

“Just continue the story already.”

“Well yeah. Jeonghan convinced me we could make Joshua jealous, so I agreed. We said we wouldn’t tell anyone, and we would post about it online so everyone believed it was real, and then once Jiwon backed off at the wedding, we would call it off.” You recalled the story, rubbing your head as the pain settled and you felt like your skull was cracking open. “God do you have any painkillers?”

“I don’t really get hangovers.”

“You lucky bitch.”

“What happened at the reception, Y/N?”

You cringed at the flood of memories. Most of the time when you got drunk and made bad decisions, your brain saved you the embarrassment of remembering everything. This time, you couldn’t escape the images. Of Jiwon and Jeonghan, of the way Jeonghan looked at you, the way he ran away from you. 

“Joshua and I were dancing, and when I looked back I saw Jiwon flirting with Jeonghan.” You gulped, feeling an all too familiar lump in your throat. “And I ran off.”

“Why’d you run?”

“I don’t know. And then Joshua kissed me, and I thought it would be perfect, but it felt wrong.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! And then Jeonghan saw, and I don’t know why but he was so upset, and then he left. He left me, Wonwoo.”

“You really don’t know why he was upset?” Wonwoo questioned, and you met his gaze with a confused expression. “Even after all this time, Jeonghan can still surprise you, wow.”

“What do you know?”

“I know that just like you, Jeonghan is not as difficult to read as he thinks he is.” Wonwoo told you, stroking your hair. “Nine years ago, at 2:30 in the morning, I got a call from Jeonghan, who was so excited because he finally got the nerve to kiss you, and he went for it. And then the next day, nothing. And you two continued this dance around never going out, even when everyone could see how much you liked each other.”

“That’s not true, I don’t like Jeonghan.”

“Then why is Jiwon bothering you? Why did you even agree to this whole thing? There are easier ways to get close to Joshua that don’t involve pretending to date your best friend.”

“I…” For once, you didn’t have anything to say.

“You do know, Y/N. You have to stop acting so blind when it comes to Jeonghan. All the signs are there, you just don’t want to address them.”

He offered you his hand, pulling you up off of the bathroom floor. “Want to know why we all thought Jeonghan asked you out? It’s because we all knew he likes you. It’s actually pretty obvious.”

Day 24 - Monday 26th November

There was a knocking at your door. This wasn’t like Jeonghan’s courtesy knocks before he let himself into your house, this was a gentle knock that barely reverberated through the room. 

You walked up to let Joshua into your house. He was shocked to see you like this - tear stricken cheeks, eyes and nose red and running. 

“You look…”

“Shit, I know.” You finished for him. “What do you want, Joshua?”

“I wanted to apologise.” He looked over your shoulder expectantly.

“Fine, come in, but you can’t come any further than the entryway. I just don’t want everyone to be spectators of this.”

Joshua followed you in, shuffling awkwardly. He acted as if he had never been in your apartment before. You weren’t entirely sure he had been. You let him shut the door gently behind him, and you leaned against the wall, blocking him from moving any closer in. 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you while you were dating Jeonghan. I’m sorry.”

You clicked your tongue, not moving position. “Yeah, that was messed up. You’re Jeonghan’s friend. You’re my friend. I felt like you were just fighting over me to compete with him.”

“Y/N, that’s not true.” He reached his hand out to caress your arm, but you pulled it back. 

“What’s even been going on with you?” You asked. “I’ve barely seen you since your breakup, none of us have, and you were a total dick the whole time Jeonghan and I were dating.”

Joshua scoffed, and you gasped at his attitude. “Yeah well you guys weren’t actually together though, right?”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does!” He raised his voice as he began to yell. “Why are you upset? It’s not like you were cheating or anything, it wasn’t real.”

“Are you kidding? You didn’t know we weren’t actually together! What’s your excuse?”

“My excuse is that according to Jeonghan, the only reason you were even pretending to date was to make me jealous, and now you’re upset that it worked? I’m jealous. I’m jealous that Jeonghan got to go out with you and play the part of boyfriend, even if it was fake.”

“That’s not the reason.”

“Oh, so you didn’t want to make me jealous?”

He was staring at you with an intensity you hadn’t seen since law school, and it reminded you of the Joshua you once knew. The Joshua you fell for. And as you met his gaze, you realised all your feelings for him were gone. Every desire for him to fall for you like you had fallen for him had dissipated, because you weren’t sure you had ever fallen for him. You loved his drive, maybe that was all you loved. 

“I did.”

“So what changed?”

“What do you think, Josh?”

He scoffed, dropping his gaze to the floor. “Of course. Of course I can’t beat him.”

“Joshua…”

“No, just,” He sighed, shuffling away from you. “Why do you always choose him?”

“I don’t, but I’m choosing him now.” You told him, And you were. After twenty two days with Jeonghan, Joshua didn’t feel as important to you anymore. 

Joshua turned to leave your apartment. “Josh.” He looked at you, and you met his gaze for the last time. “You should have kissed me all the years I was pining after you, not once I wasn’t an option anymore. Maybe it would have been different.”

He left without another word, and your door shut so gently as he left. 

Day 25 - Tuesday 27th November

You hadn’t been blocked. You could still see the messages, you knew he was reading them, he just wouldn’t respond. He wasn’t picking up either.

“Cmon Jeonghan…” You whispered under your breath. “Please just pick up.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

You groaned at the now too familiar sound of his voicemail. Was he ever going to talk to you again?

Okay, it was kind of your fault. Had it been anyone else, this would have felt so obvious, but you were so oblivious when it came to Jeonghan, and now here you were, pining for your best friend, hoping he would finally return. 

“Hey Han,” You started talking, but you had no idea what to say. The only thoughts running through your mind were please just come back to me, but you weren’t sure how to say that without bursting into tears. “I, uh, I really want to talk to you, please. I miss you.”

You hung up, only to find your fingers reaching for the contact once more.

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“Hi again. I want you to know that, umm, I spoke to Wonwoo. He called me an idiot, basically.” You chuckled as you recounted that morning, although you knew Jeonghan probably wouldn’t be laughing as he listened. If he listened. If you two weren’t… wherever this had led you, you know he would probably laugh at that, but he wasn’t here anymore. “I didn’t know. I should have known, but I didn’t, and I just really want to talk to you. Please.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“Hey, um, I didn’t like the kiss. The one with Joshua. I think I did kiss him back? But I didn’t like it. I would choose our posed cafe kiss so much sooner than the one he gave me. I don’t even want it. Please talk to me.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“It was so stupid of me to be jealous of Jiwon. I know you don’t like her, I just, I was so drunk and stressed out, I freaked out. It was so so stupid, and I’m sorry, but I hope you know that it was jealousy because I wanted to be in her place. God, this is so embarrassing.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“I don’t think I like Joshua? I know, drastic turn. I think I just looked up to him, growing up. He’s always been so out of reach and ahead of everyone else, I think I mistook it for love when it wasn’t. I don’t love him.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“I know I fucked up. Well, Joshua fucked up most of all, but I shouldn’t have run off like that. But you ran too. You didn’t let me explain. And last week, you disappeared. I know you said you were busy but it felt like you were running from me? And I fucked up because I ran, so you’re no better than me.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“Please ignore what I just said. I’m not upset with you. Well, actually, I am. I think I’m mostly upset with myself? Or mostly upset with Joshua? But I’m still a little upset with you. Please can we just talk?”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“I’ll leave you alone after this one, I promise. I just… I miss you. And I think I need an explanation, because I’ve been clueless about this for way too long.”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“I love you. In every sense of the word.”

Day 26 - Wednesday 28th November

You felt so strange in front of Jeonghan’s door. Although he spent so much time with you in your house, very rarely would you visit him in his. You and him would always blame his roommate, but truthfully you knew it wasn’t that. Even though Vernon wasn’t the tidiest or most respectful of privacy, you were happy when he was around. No, Jeonghan’s house was a barrier between the two of you, a final wall he had placed to protect himself. And now you were destroying the that sanctity. 

You almost felt bad, but you were so desperate for him to talk to you again. Sure, the two of you had arguments, but nothing like this, and you weren’t sure that without drastic measures, you would ever even see Jeonghan again. So here you were, your knuckles rapt against Jeonghan’s door, waiting to see him.

The door swung open, but Jeonghan wasn’t there. Instead stood Vernon, who looked like he had only rolled out of bed at the sound of your knocking. Honestly, had it been true, it wouldn’t have surprised you, despite it being 8:30 in the evening. You had no idea what this boy’s schedule was, if he even followed a set one.

“Oh, hey Vernon.”

“Hey Y/N.’

You shuffled on your feet. You and Vernon were friends - you practically grew up together, why did this feel so awkward?

“Cool party, by the way.” He cocked his head in confusion. “Sofia’s party! Two weeks ago, I know you helped her set it up. It was fun, from what I remember, Jeonghan dragged me along to it and I got very drunk very quickly.” Okay, you were rambling now. That helped. “Speaking of, is he here?”

“He?”

“Jeonghan? Is he home?”

“Nah, he’s um..” Vernon trailed off, and you cringed. Clearly he had told Vernon to ward you away. “He’s staying back late at work. Do you, do you want me to tell him you were here?”

You sighed, feeling your shoulders slump. “Don’t bother. Have a good evening, Hansol.”

“See you around Y/N.”

Vernon let the door shut in front of him, He hated lying, and unlike his roommate, he was absolutely terrible at it. 

“If Y/N comes, just tell her I’m out.”

Jeonghan wouldn’t talk to Vernon. He barely spoke to Seungcheol, who was dropping by every night to check up on his friend. He hadn’t seen him for more than a few minutes every day as he left for work and stumbled back home afterwards. All Vernon could hope for was that you solved your issues with him soon. A grumpy Jeonghan was a nightmare, a heartbroken Jeonghan was a ghost. 

Day 27 - Thursday 29th November

Eunwoo’s office had been mostly empty for a few days now, but today he picked up the last two boxes to take to his new office, a floor above. Instead of seeing his smug face across from your office door, all you saw was a clean desk, no files or loose papers across the surface like there had been before. It felt like a cruel reminder of what you were so close to gaining. Partnership. Jeonghan. You couldn’t tell which was making you more depressed currently. 

You barely noticed when Eunchae walked up to your office, knocking gently against your open door. “You alright, Y/N?”

“Hmm? Yeah I’m fine Eunchae. Can I help you with anything?” You spoke, not lifting your head to meet her gaze. You didn’t want her to see the bags that had formed under your puffy eyes. It’s hard to fall asleep these days.

“I just wanted to say you should have been the next junior partner, not Eunwoo.” She barely whispered, and you understood why. The office behind her was practically haunted by Eunwoo’s cheery spirit. “He’s a good lawyer, but he barely pays attention to us and the newer lawyers. You take good care of us.”

You smiled at her words. “Thanks Eunchae.”

She walked in, letting the door close behind her. You had given up all pretence of following the dumb rules like commandments, and Eunchae caught on quick. “That’s why you’ve been so sad this week, right?”

“That’s.. half of it. How have you noticed?”

She shrugged. “I’m smarter than they are. What’s the other half?”

“Boy troubles, I guess.”

She leaned in. “Is this about your boyfriend? The one you posted on insta?” You nodded, and she smiled, pleased with her detective skills. “What happened?”

“He didn’t tell me he liked me until too late, and now I’m realising that I like him too, but he won’t talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, why doesn’t your boyfriend already know you like him?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Okay..” She trailed off. “Have you told him how you really feel?”

“Yeah, but he won’t talk to me anyway.” 

“Tell him again.” She advised. “People are stupid, they don’t believe what’s right in front of him. What have you got to lose, anyway?”

Day 27 (cont.)

“Hey, this is Jeonghan. I can’t come to the phone right now…”

“I don’t want to fill your inbox, so I swear, if you don’t respond to this, I’ll leave you alone forever. But god I’m going to miss you if you leave. You’re such a heartbreaker, Hannie, you’re about to break mine. I’m in love with you. I’m sorry it took me so long to see it. Please just, let me know if you feel the same, or if everyone was wrong. I guess if I don’t hear from you again I’ve gotten my answer. I.. Goodnight, Jeonghan.”

Day 28 - Friday 30th November

You hadn’t heard anything from Jeonghan. All night, you stayed up, staring at your phone, hoping it would light up with a call, a text, anything. God, you would even settle for a subtweet, but nothing. When 5AM hit and the light of dawn peered in through your blinds you had given up. Jeonghan wanted nothing to do with you. 

You called in sick to work. It wasn’t difficult, crying will make you sound all stuffy and blocked. You hoped the sniffles that slipped from your lips weren’t understood as what they truly were: forming scars. Whatever, it gave you an excuse to stay in bed all day.

You kept your promise, not to bother Jeonghan again, but couldn’t find it in yourself to delete conversations or photos. Your heart was shattered, and the pieces were lost deep in the text messages he sent, you couldn’t delete them so easily. 

You made one phone call, to Wonwoo, when you woke again at 5PM.

“He hates me, Woo. I think I lost him forever.”

“If that’s really the case then he’s an idiot. Just like you.”

You felt no desire to reach out to anyone else, or let anyone know you were alive. You didn’t feel alive. All you wanted was to sink into your mattress and hide from the world. The blankets covering your face would have to do in the meantime. It was a weak shield, but you were hidden all the same, and that’s all you needed.

Someone came to check on you earlier, or perhaps it was just your neighbour. You heard the knocks, but pretended no one was home. They left quickly. You felt so forgettable, so discarded. What a pathetic existence.

9:21 PM flashed across your phone screen, but you didn’t seem to notice it. It was silenced on your kitchen counter, far away from you, because you knew if you kept it nearby you would do something stupid. And you were careful. You needed to be even more careful than before, now that you were nursing a broken heart. 

When the knocks on your door sounded you hid even further away. They would go away, they all did. And the knocks did subside, replaced instead by the clink of keys. Fuck, was it your landlord? What was he doing here? The door opened, and you pulled the sheets tight over your head. Hopefully he would just leave.

You heard footsteps slowly lead to your room. Fuck, was this a home invasion? Maybe you should be more scared, but you couldn’t find it in you to do anything but stay in a frozen position. Your bedroom door creaked open, and you felt your heartbeat in your eyes.

This was it. You were going to die, and you couldn’t even see Jeonghan one last time before some stranger took you out in your own home. Well, the apartment you had rented  for years. God, you were almost thirty, and you were about to die alone in a starter apartment you never bothered to leave. Why was this world so cruel?

“Y/N.”

Fuck. It wasn’t your landlord. It was Jeonghan. Somehow, when being confronted with the person you’ve been trying to reach for days, your confidence disappears.

“I know you’re not sleeping, Y/N.”

Maybe if you didn’t respond he would go away? Did you even want him to? Why weren’t you doing anything?

“I saw you left your phone in the kitchen. You’ve got a voicemail, by the way. It’s from an hour ago. I’m gonna play it for you, okay?”

“Hey Y/N. It’s me, obviously. I um, you’re right. I shouldn’t have run away. I was being a coward. I’ve been a coward the entire time we’ve been friends, because I don’t know when, but at some point I feel so hopelessly in love with you and I’ve been hiding it this entire time. Fuck, I really need to see you. Can I come over?”

Your protective sheets were pulled from your head, and you were met with the sight of Jeonghan, who’s eyes were as puffy as your own. He smiled down at you.

“You look like shit.”

“So do you.”

“Yeah, well, I was heartbroken.” Jeonghan grinned as he spoke. God, he was so beautiful. “I thought my best friend who I’ve loved for years didn’t love me back.”

You sat up, reaching for Jeonghan’s hand, which he gladly gave you. “Why didn’t you ever tell me before now?”

“Had to protect my fragile heart.” He told you, locking into your eyes. You were frozen in place once more. You had never once thought of Jeonghan as fragile, yet here he was, baring his soul to you, like a glass canary had been placed in your hands. “I was so content to just hide it all my life, watch as you fall deeper in love with Joshua, and then I discovered I really loved being your fake boyfriend. I never thought I would enjoy being a boyfriend, but something about being with you makes it so easy.”

All the walls you swore you would put up had been torn down by Jeonghan before you could even begin construction.

“Besides, what exactly was I supposed to think when you hated our first kiss?”

You gasped. “I didn’t hate it! We both agreed it felt weird the next morning.”

“Sure, I definitely thought that, and wasn’t just agreeing with you to save myself the embarrassment of rejection.”

You cringed as you thought of that fateful day. “I don’t know Hannie, when I woke up that morning things felt as if they had changed, and it scared me.” You blushed, feeling regretful of your naivety. “I was so scared of things changing for the worse I never considered that they could get better.”

Jeonghan’s hand met your jaw, pulling you towards him with such a sense of nostalgia. “What about now? Are you still scared?”

“A little.” You whispered. You didn’t need to say it any louder, you knew he could hear you. “But I don’t want my fears to hold me back any more.”

“Oh yeah? Show me.”

You rolled your eyes at Jeonghan, before doing exactly that, and capturing his lips with your own. No fireworks, no eruptions. Kissing him was the comfort you had craved for years. Jeonghan was your home.

You pulled away from him, letting your eyes flutter open. “That count as proof?”

He hummed. “I don’t know, why don’t you show me again?”

“You’re such a loser, Yoon.” You teased, but did exactly as he wanted.

Day 1 (of forever to come) - Saturday 1st December

This past month had no shortage of you waking with Jeonghan in your apartment, but this was the first time you had woken up beside him, arms tangled together. Your phone was buzzing incessantly under your pillow, and who thought it was a good idea to interrupt your sleep so early in the morning?

Oh, Wonwoo. You should probably give him peace of mind, after everything he’s done for you.

“Hello?” You spoke groggily, trying as best as you could to whisper so as to not wake Jeonghan, still asleep next to you.

“Y/N? Have you seen Jeonghan recently? I know you guys are fighting, but Vernon told me he left last night without saying anything and he’s still not back yet, it’s already 10.”

“Wow, Vernon’s up early on a Saturday. I’m not even out of bed yet.”

Wonwoo hissed through your speakers. “Take this seriously! Your best friend is missing!”

Jeonghan stirred, and before you could say anything, he spoke instead. “Y/N, tell your friend to hush, I’m trying to sleep.”

You stayed silent, and Wonwoo was silenced too. 

“Is that…”

“Yeah, he’s here with me. He’s not missing, you can tell Vernon he’s alright.”

“Holy shit! He’s in bed with you?”

“He stayed the night…”

“Get it.”

“Shut up Wonwoo.”

Jeonghan reached his hand over to you. “Lemme talk to him.” You obliged, handing the phone to him.

“Hey Wonwoo, no nothing happened. Well, Y/N confessed their undying feelings for me and told me how incredibly attractive and sexy I am and how I’ve ruined anyone else’s love-“

“JEONGHAN!”

“Yep gotta go, bye Wonwoo!”

You snatched the phone from Jeonghan, only to see the call had already ended. “You snake! Stop badmouthing me to our friends!”

He gasped in mock offense. “Bad mouthing? Never! That’s basically what happened last night, anyway.”

“You’re missing the part where you confessed first.” You reminded him, pushing against his arm, but he resisted your force, instead wrapping his arms around you and holding you as you squirmed. “Let go of me you weasel.”

“Weasel? Are you gonna pay for the damages you’re causing my heart?” He pouted, and you wanted to badly to shove (kiss…) that pout off his face. 

“More like ego.”

“Wonwoo has always known how incredibly whipped I am for you, he doesn’t need a reminder.” Jeonghan whispered above you. “Do you?”

You nodded slyly. “You’ve got a decade of reminders to make up for hiding this from me for so long. You better get cracking.”

Jeonghan leaned over to kiss your forehead. “Why rush it? We’ve got the rest of our lives, and I’m going to make sure you never forget just how much I love you.”

AN: i think this is the first time i’ve ever written a happy ending but goddamn i love this fic

+ read the university kiss scene here!!

[mononijikayu]

let's fall in love for the night ━ nanami kento.

It killed him that there was a small hint of silence between them soon after. He awkwardly shifted his body, licking his lips as he slowly drank the beer once again. In a way, Nanami felt a little bit embarrassed by how quickly he had said that to her. Oh now that time passed by, Nanami realizes that it was even somewhat of a love confession. He drank the beer again.

GENRE: Alternate Universe - Canon Convergence;

WARNING/s: Gen, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Husband and Wife, Friendship, Husband! Nanami, Reader! Wife, Fluff, Drama, Comfort, Falling In Love, Flirting, Fix-It, Humor, Domesticity, Family Life, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Idiots In Love, Light-Hearted, Slice of Life, Pining, Nanami Being A Great Husband;

WORDS: 3.6k words.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: i think when i wrote, i was obsessed with this song and just got to to the point where i thought that this suited nanami so well. i still think it suits him.

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saboten record | let's fall in love for the night

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NANAMI KENTO HAD NEVER TRULY FOUND HIMSELF FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE BEFORE. Especially falling in love with someone he cannot have, he was stuck in being a one-sided affair that only he truly knows. But he has never minded that. Not one bit.

After all, he was in love with her.

He heard her laugh out loud, the sound of her body shifting all around his couch at the joke that he could not fully understand. Grabbing the two cans of beer out of his refrigerator, he closed it firmly and moved to his pantry cabinet where the chocolate pretzels she liked sat in a round glass container.

Carefully, he gently showered them generously onto a small bowl. He admired the sight of her from a far, gazing at the wonder that exploded with joy from her body. Tonight, they were watching a new shojo anime that she had recently found herself interested in. 

Kento himself could not say that he was a fan of the things she liked to watch but he found himself finding happiness when he comes across it all, he would watch it being reminded of her liking for the way it managed to stir her feelings and bring her joy.

She talks about it in the most adorable way, with the light in her eyes filled with bursts of excitement — almost wishing to paint the world she sees for him specifically. In a way, Kento had thought to himself that anything that she found joy in suddenly became his own as well. That's why he found himself awaiting when the show came out every week, finding it as a means to feel close to her when they are apart, which had been lately quite often.

“I hope you didn't hurt yourself laughing." Nanami exclaims as he walked from the kitchen and towards the living room. She looked to him, grinning as she stood up from the floor, having fallen off after leaning forward too much in her excitement. He let his brow rise. “What are you grinning for?”

“I thought you said this genre wasn't your type to watch, Min–min~” She teases. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Nanami placed the beers beside one another on the coffee table and handed her the bowl of pretzels. She mouths a thank you as she ate heartily.

Pretzel in her mouth, moments later swallowing. “You don’t watch this show! You told me when it came out that it wasn't your liking!"

“I do, I watch it casually on the weekends.” He defends himself, as she looks at him suspiciously with an eyebrow out. “What? I can't change my mind about it?"

“You seem suspicious.”

Nanami sighs. “I knew I was gonna not gonna be able to watch it as soon as it aired so I recorded it before going to work.”

She let out a small smile, looking away from him now. “What ever you say, Min–min~.”

Nanami sighed, trying to oblivate the dizzy feeling of her calling him like that. “I thought I told you not to call me that.”

“But I thought you liked Min–min?” She pouts at him, freezing him into place. She giggled. “See? I can see it in your face!”

He looked away. “….shut up."

He looked at her for a moment, her attention grasped by the wonder of the animation on the television. She giggled again, her most favorite character going about their usual antics. His gaze softened at the sight of her, so comfortable beside him. It had been a pleasant surprise to see her today, after her schedule had been so packed with the repetitive editing that had come with her newly finished novel.

But seeing her at such a late hour, sitting patiently with weary eyes at the office lobby - looking at the office elevators to see if he would come soon. He felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of her, his breath disappearing without any warning. She had dressed to her comfort — a baggy shirt covered by a black hoodie and sweat pants. Nanami felt himself gulped, her smile astonished his being with the wonder of seeing the beauty in living. Greeting him, she scanned him from left to right and realized quite quickly that he had slept in the office again. 

On the way to the convenient store to get some things for their sleep over, she had scolded him about not going home again – prioritizing his work and not his health. He kept silent the entire time, in a way missing the worry that came with her voice. 

Around that time she worked, she would only send good morning and good evening through texts and remind him to eat well and do drink more water today than he did with beer – a vice he had not managed to better in these stressful days. That was something she had warned him about, knowing that he had more beer at home, at least two. She had been right of course, though Kento will not tell her she is. She was after all one to gloat a little bit about her  wins against him.

Exhaling a warmer breath, Kento knew that this was all he needed to rejuvenate his soul. Nanami Kento had never been one to admit the genuinity of how he felt for those around him. He was more in his own way a man who acts to prove what he feels. But he had to admit it even in his own head, even if just by looking at her like this for a moment in the silence, Nanami Kento admits that he missed her spectacularly. Even the little things, even the things that genuinely annoyed him.

How she often takes hours to get ready for small outings with him, wearing her matching blouses and pencil skirt and her beautiful hair neatly done in the most outlandish styles. He recalls the time they went out to dinner to celebrate the release of her best seller a few years ago and could not find the brooch to her newly purchase suit skirt ensemble.

They had nearly missed their reservation then, one that he had gotten in advanced. He disliked how quickly he had crumbled all about her apologetic smile then, how he had quickly found himself having so much fun with her, pulling him to a jazz bar soon after finishing their dinner and how drunk she had gotten to come up and challenge the pianist to a duel.

He disliked that she was someone who would always go missing in a crowd with whenever she was with him, often finding something that interested her. Anywhere and everywhere, she would be a ghost that he wished was haunting him. However, it would take him minutes and even hours to find her.

Going to the same jazz festival they met at when they were younger every year, Kento would always find that she would come and disappear and cause him to go in a panic as the crowds gather around dancing and clapping with the music. Last year, they had come to see a performance of Japanese jazz pianists and soon enough vanished into thin air. Kento had found her later on, dancing with random strangers laughing so hard happily in the crowd cheering them on.

Kento despised the fact that she often would skip out of her deadlines, going on small adventures in areas near Tokyo and documenting it to him. It was headache for him to try and find her, with his office phone ringing in those days, answering it and feeling pity for her editor who was crying over the other line because she had gone and played around.

He hated having to come and take her away from her play, seeing her mope and cry out about how she doesn't want to work anymore. He hated the sad pout on her face on the trip back home, he hated how he easily gave in and comforts her with the coffee she always liked to get near their train stop. How she would smile and thank him and ask him to stay the night so she could cook his favorite stew for him.

He hated how his life had become so full of her at times.

He hated how he drowned in her, how he breathed life from her existence.

And yet, he admittedly - all those had become things to love about her too.

Nanami Kento admits it to himself. 

He would hate it more if he did not have her to make his life full everyday.

The way she leaned back,stretching her arms out while wearing one of his newly laundried clothes — it caused all the butterflies in his stomach to react with vigor. The way you leaned your head onto a pillow, with her hair swirling so beautifully like Van Gogh’s Starry Night.

Nanami felt his heart pound as she sniffed it, almost craving the comfort of him remembering that you liked that pillow the most because it smelt like him. It was almost always the little things that intrigue him about her. The little things that become the gold that outweighs the things that were cons. 

Her hands diving through the small bits of pretzels, the ones that he always kept stock off because of it reminds her of home. The way her smile reaches her eyes as she munches away, the dimples that were kisses of angels enchant him in every way.

The way she wrapped herself the thick yellow blanket, one that she had come to attach to her skin whenever she came by saying that every bit of it reminded her of how warm Nanami was to her. The way she would ask to cuddle about him because at times, the blanket did not warm her enough. The way that she would act cute with him, asking for her most favorite hot chocolate drink that he only can make.

At times, she would feel weary of being in front of the television and come to his wide collection of books and close her eyes shut. How she would laugh, hitting her head at times in the shelves and books but continues on despite his worried calls to her.

How she would come and randomly pick any book — even if it was about anatomy or politics, she would give it to him and with her genuinely pure smile, ask him to read aloud to her. How she would be so excited when he agrees, sitting beside him more and leaned against the very etch of his skin with the eagerness to want to hear his voice be the lullaby that brings her to dream land.

How at times she would fall asleep with her body pressed to his and he would stay there too, letting her take all the rest she wants. How adorably she would mumble his name in her dreams too, calling onto him and making his stomach churn with all the uncontrollable confusions that came with loving someone?

Nanami sighed, reaching out for one of the beers and opening it. Drinking some, he looked up the ceiling. How could he not fall for her? How could he not find himself enamored with the wonders that she brings into his life?

How could he not feel his chest beating so hard right now when she was beside him like this, being everything that made him feel like home when she was not his to cherish in that way? The way she had filled the unexpected - the unexpected he would come to look forward to in his stagnant life filled with the constants that never seem to fade away. In a way, the monochrome had become so colorful again. He pierced his lips into a line. 

He wished this could be every day to him.

He wishes that he was the one she came home to everyday.

But he knew his boundaries.

He was only her best friend.

He knows better.

“I should take note of this scene.” He heard her mumble under her breath, more pretzels popping into her mouth. “This is really good material.”

“Didn’t you just finish a novel?” He whispers to her, brow raised.

“I did.” She grinned, putting her thumbs up. “But you never know, I might be inspired to do another one!”

Nanami sighs, smiling at her. “You workaholic.”

The loud laughter that popped out of her mouth seemed like most gorgeous hummingbird’s song to his ears. “The workaholic calling me workaholic! That’s rich!”

He snorted loudly, drinking his beer. “Hmm...says the one who forgot to finish the reservation we had for that restaurant because you forgot your deadlines again."

“Liar! You knew it was already finished! I just....I just fixed some things, you know? And we made it in time for the reservation, it ended up being a good night! The truffle pasta was great, wasn't it? We should come back to that restaurant again—Are you even listening to me, Min–min? I think now all you are doing is making fun of me!"

“Hmmm….whatever you say, buttercup.” He teased her, causing her to pout. Nanami laughed, beautifully.

“I really like your laugh.” She admits to him warmly, causing him to pause for a moment. “It really is a good day when you laugh.”

“I…Thank you.” Nanami did not know how to reply to her about that, those words just uttered out of his mouth like the wind against the leaves. He felt his palms sweat at that compliment, his stomach turning upside down at this new feeling. “I….I like your laughter too.”

She grinned at him happily. “Thank you!”

These moments with her, he cherished it all. Even moments like this where he felt like he would die of embarrassment, of feeling like he had no words to say anymore. Nanami Kento despite all of this was just genuinely happy. Despite the life that had been everything but good, she had come to become the one to bring in the good. Kento had not been sure how this had become his life, but he was glad for it. The nightmares at night, they didn't scare him anymore. Once it had made him feel so much fear, in his dreams - he saw her smile warm the cold shadows away.

He didn't feel so lonely anymore, that he was sure to say. 

The thing is Nanami Kento had never thought he would ever be happy like this. Not when he was younger. Not after Yu had passed. Not since that day did he not feel the pain of what it was like to be empty. Not since that day that he didn't wish he had not perished. And yet, in a way — he felt thankful for the grief.

He felt himself be thankful to for the misery. Because it made him realize on how this happiness had become the most precious thing in life for him. In a way, happiness does begin once again in time. 

In a way, he was thankful for the wait.

Because he would never risk this life for anything.

It seems like a beautiful time to be alive, once again. Even if he felt like it was only for the night. Nanami felt very glad, he had been alive.

His lips pursed at the sight of her singing along happily to the ending song of the show, thrusting the beer can upon his lips once more to swig the bittersweet taste of alcohol through his mouth. Kento knew every line of the song by heart, engraving every memory of her singing it in front of him with such joy.

He consumed the wonder that came from her excitement, with her favorite character doing something adorable. He could not help but smile again at her bubbly bursts of energy waving through in the ocean that had drowned him whole. Nanami drank a sip of his beer, silently watching her once again.

Once it was over, she turned to him with her eyes looking at him.

“What?” He asked her, his tone quiet as he could not bring himself to speak louder. He was breatheless at her beauty like this. To him, it was if Venus was reborn in front of him.

“Thank you for watching that with me.” She says to him softly, fondness in the deep ocean that was her eyes. “I know that I become overbearing and I feel like coming tonight is just me forcing you to deal with me—"

“Nonsense. It's okay. It’s not overbearing.” Nanami says in reply. His brows furrowed, seeing a hint of difference in her eyes. “Is it him again?”

Her face drops, her body slouches upon the couch. He saw the sad smile drapped all over her face and he frowns. Turning to him, she gazes at him. It just confirm to him. He frowned. Kento had hated the guy the moment she had introduced him that night after Christmas.

It was no secret that her boyfriend had not liked him either, even asking her to end her friendship with Kento as he saw him as a threat, a man that she should avoid. The fact that he did not take that kindly their relationship was a headache, it was full of hurt and the one that gets hurt the most was her. But she feels like she could not leave him. In a way, Nanami feels that she's too kind for her own good. To big hearted for those who don't even deserve it. He could see it in her eyes. It hurt him to see the truth.

She loves the fool.

And Nanami burns to see it.

It crushes him to know it.

Nanami could not help but want to just take her into his arms and tell her everything she deserves to know. He had always seemed to think that she was not someone worth treasuring, often treating her more like someone he can command rather than someone to love.

Kento had made it plain to her that the man was not worthy of her. But just as much as he knew he hates that guy, he knew that he was just her friend. He was not her brother and not even a male relative. He had no say in who she gets to love. Even if he feels his heart break at the thought of seeing her feel like this because that man had been telling her that she was not enough.

Nanami wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her that she was more than that. She was not just someone. She was life itself. That she deserved to have someone worship the ground she walked upon. That she dserved someone who could give her the world.

That maybe he could be the one that could give that to her.

If she would only let him love her.

She smiled, putting her arms up. “It was nothing. I honestly think I’ll forget about it anyway and you know, its not a big deal, Min–min! I know we'll resolve it—”

“What did he do this time?” He could feel his blood boil at the thought of her getting hurt in any manner. “You should have told me—”

She let out a deep breathe. “I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why? He needs to be told properly that he made you unhappy—”

“Because I didn’t want you to be upset. You have more than enough worries as it is.” She says to him, sighing heavily. Her eyes shook as it lowered. Leaning forward, her hands rest upon the comfort of the couch.

“I just….I just wanted to not worry about him tonight. I am a big girl, you know? I can deal with it. But....I'm not here to think or talk about that. Just tonight, where you and I can bond. I mean, it has been a while! You’ve been so busy with work and I….”

Nanami shook his head as soon as she said that and gave her a fond look. “You know you’re more important to me than work.”

She gave him a small smile. “I know that.”

It killed him that there was a small hint of silence between them soon after. He awkwardly shifted his body, licking his lips as he slowly drank the beer once again. In a way, Nanami felt a little bit embarrassed by how quickly he had said that to her. Oh now that time passed by, Nanami realizes that it was even somewhat of a love confession. He drank the beer again.

It was now empty.

Leaning over, she looked at Nanami and smiled. Standing up, she places the empty bowl on the coffee table. She yawns, stretches with care which causes Nanami to look at her. “You aren’t drinking beer?”

She shakes her head. “No, no…..I’m sitting out the beer drinking tonight.”

“Alright—”

Placing the can of the beer he had been drinking back, Nanami almost falls as she wraps her arms around him and places a small kiss upon his temple. A blush appears warmly against her cheeks. Nanami looks up to her, eyes wide open shock. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest, he feels like he’s going to pass out.

Her lips pursed, she could not speak. Stumbling a little bit, moving away from him. She was so red, like the scarlet sky when the blue hour comes. “I…I am so sorry!”

The way she ran to the guest room, Nanami wanted to stop her but he couldn’t. When the sound of the door clicked into the lock, Nanami felt himself fall off the couch, crutching down onto the rug. He touched his temple slowly, feeling the heat all over his body emitting as though he was a hot sun beaming down on earth on a warm summer day.

Nanami Kento thinks he fell in love with her again.

But he didn't know that maybe that night was the beginning.

Blush upon her cheeks behind the door frame, she hid her scarlet face.

She did fall in love with him, for the night.

[dat-town]

hypnotized (in your eyes)

never seen circus masterpost

Characters: hypnotist!Hyunjae & female reader

Setting & genre: magical realism au

Summary: You find a hypnotist to forget your recurring dreams. Little do you know you once forgot him too.

Warnings: general creepiness of an eerie circus, ambiguous ending, mentioned insomnia

Words: 2.3k

For @restlessmaknae, happy D-4 <3 Not to copy you but I realized that the best way not to have to cut another story in half because I couldn't finish it in time is to make sure I can stop pretty much any point and these short stories came pretty easy. You know I already told you about this idea like last year, so here it is finally. Keep your eyes out for the next stories <3

The wind chime outside of the ragged tent played a slow symphony to the rhythm of the night breeze.

The tall boy inside was humming an old folk song as he flipped through the pages of a book. It was a slow day but it was always hit or miss with the circus. They were constantly on the move and there was no way to tell how many people would stumble upon the red lights and fake golden glitter when they stopped.

Hyunjae had already assisted a married couple by helping an old memory to resurface and a teenage girl to face her trauma. People came to him with all kinds of requests, people who were brave or desperate enough to open their minds to him, to let him reach in there and pull. Like marionettes on strings. Thoughts were like dolls for him to play with. Lucky for many, he was a nice player, especially when he was paid handsomely.

It was the wind that he noticed first. The moment of cold when the entrance of the tent opened and closed. Then he looked up from his book, over his propped up legs on his desk and saw you. Words froze on the tip of his tongue as he watched you looking around in wonder, rooted to one spot by the edge of the tent. The flower pattern of your dress reminded him of the blooming spring. Last spring when he had last seen you. You had stood right there where you did then. You were awed at the decorations of his tent as if you had never seen anything more interesting than enchantments hanging from the top and books on alchemy. You turned slowly, gaze sticking to the fairy lights hanging all over the insides of the tent and when your eyes met his, you suddenly turned bashful, a dusty pink colour high on your cheeks.

"Hello," you bowed politely like a stranger and Hyunjae had to remind himself to get his shit together. Of course, you greeted him as if you had never met before. Because for you, you never did.

"Good evening. How can I help you?" The boy asked as he cleared his throat. He wasn't proud of the way he stumbled as he put his feet down on the ground and stood up. His hands gripped on the edge of his desk when you walked closer, clueless and innocent. Just like last time.

For someone who lived longer than most people, it was quite embarrassing how fast his heart beat just because of your closeness. His chest felt tight too when he saw the apples of your cheeks grow with the shy smile blooming on your lips as you stopped on the other side of his desk.

For a foolish moment, Hyunjae hoped naively that you would tell him that you were joking, that you would call him by his name and tell him to keep his part of the promise. But of course, the rational side of him knew it didn't work like it. You weren't supposed to know who he was or recognize him even if it wasn't the first time you met. But he remembered your smiles and soft touches way too vividly to not hope you were an exception to the circus' rules: everybody was bound to forget about their visit.

"I... I was told that hypnosis can help me forget something," you answered, visibly sceptical, which made Hyunjae crack a smile. You had been just like this the last time too: you had thought he was just a con man cheating money out of naïve people. You were one of those rational people who only believed things they saw and you didn't even believe what you saw, not until you were sure it was real which was a smart thing to do at a place where you could run into people swallowing down knives.

The you from last spring would have never asked something like that of him though. You had been caught up in the rain and looked for a hideout. His tent had just been there, warm and inviting. Hyunjae had done his best to entertain you, amused himself by your stubbornness when you hadn't believed what he could do. So he wondered what could have happened that led you right back here, this time on purpose. The psychic girl from the tent next door would have told him it was destiny even though Hyunjae had never asked her to draw cards for him.

He hadn't wanted to hope in vain because he knew the inevitable: you would eventually leave and he had no choice but to stay at the circus. So in a way it felt nothing but a cruel play of the fate that it led you back to him. Yet, he couldn't send you away just to spare the heartache.

"Sure, it can. Please, take a seat," he pointed at the chair beside you before stepping to the kettle next to his bookshelf to prepare a cup of warm lotus tea. Selfishly, he stole glances at you while he was busy with the preparations. The ribbon in your hair was skewed and your lips were pink like peonies. Your curious doe eyes were warm and he remembered all too well how they used to be directed at him.

"Two cubes of sugar, a bit of lemon," he said as he slid the steaming cup in front of you and smiled knowingly at the surprise clear on your face.

"How?" You mumbled, eyes widening suspiciously which made him want to tease you. He couldn't have told you that he had learned your preference last time you had been there and he couldn’t forget it ever since.

"Lucky guess," he lied and watched as you sniffed at the sweet blue tea doubtfully before giving it a try. Hyunjae was relieved to see the corners of your mouth turn upwards even though he knew you would like it.

The boy unconsciously fixed his collar as he sat down across from you and licked his lower lip before he asked the question that had been on his mind ever since you had told him why you had come to him.

"What would you like to forget?"

You took a small, careful sip from your tea before setting the cup down again and looked up at Hyunjae. Your gaze was open and trusting and he felt his heart skip a beat. Oh, if only you knew how conflicted you made him feel.

"I keep dreaming of a place," you spoke up quietly, waiting to be interrupted but the boy waited patiently for you to keep going on. You brushed your hair out of your face, fingers tangling in your locks. "It's not even a real place. I have tried to look it up but it doesn't exist. In my dreams, I want to go there. I want to go there so bad that when I wake up I miss this place where I had never been and where I cannot go. It's like I feel trapped where I am. Sometimes I can't even sleep because I keep daydreaming about this place. I've tried everything to get my mind off it but I just can't. I know it sounds crazy but–"

"It's not," Hyunjae stopped you before you could have felt embarrassed. "Can you tell me more about this place? What's it like?"

You looked him in the eyes, gulped and then nodded, your eyes determined.

"It's a place by the sea. You can see the stars from the beach clearly and there are no villages as far as one can see. There are stairs though, in the air, that lead to a palace."

Hyunjae couldn't do anything but stare. He looked at your face closely, watching your expression, trying to figure out if you were playing a prank on him. That couldn't be. You weren't supposed to remember that. His home.

You had been daring. Calling him a fraud. Telling him to prove it if he could really hypnotise you and Hyunjae shouldn't have. He didn't use his power just for the sake of it after all, he used it for work, for actual clients, not overly curious girls. But it was raining outside and it was unlikely that he would get a new customer anytime soon, so he might as well just kill time, couldn't he?

He had sat you down, given you tea, lit candles and told you to close your eyes. Your lips were curled up in a smile, playfully mocking, as if challenging him to prove you wrong. Then Hyunjae took out his pocket watch and told you to imagine a pastel blue, endless sea.

He could have taken you anywhere. He still wasn't sure why he had chosen a place so personal to him but watching you explore the celestial palace had warmed his heart. He had told you childhood stories and anecdotes that you believed to be made up stories. You had told him so when you had opened your eyes and smiled at him so brightly. You had asked dozens of questions about his books, about how he had learned this and he had told you. He had always known you would forget it when leaving the circus, so there had been no reason to fear being exposed. You couldn't have known that though, not then.

"Will you be here tomorrow, too?" You had asked when the rain had stopped yet you had seemed reluctant to leave. Hyunjae had been too selfish to tell you to go as well. He was a lot of things but he wasn't a liar. Usually.

"Probably not. The circus never stays long anywhere," he had told you and watched the disappointment sweep into your expression slowly like a cloth drinks up liquid.

"Oh. And will you be back?" You had kept going and Hyunjae had pretended that the hope in your voice hadn't messed with his heart.

"Probably. But I have no idea when. I go where the circus goes. You will forget me by then anyway," he had said as cold and firm as he could and you hadn't asked why. You hadn't asked why people forgot, why rarely anybody had visited twice, why he was acting like it was a final goodbye. You had just leaned against the entrance, under the fairy lights, your hair still half-wet from the rain, your smile suddenly saddened.

"Can you promise me something?" You had looked at him with those pretty eyes, your voice like melting honey to his ears and it had taken everything in him not to make stupid promises. He hadn't said anything but you continued anyway. "If we meet again, remind me?"

It was a sweet memory, locked in a small jar next to Hyunjae's heart but he felt the glass cracking as his fingers around his pocket watch trembled.

"Are you okay?" The gentle voice and the warmth of a hand on his shoulder helped him snap out of it. He cleared his throat and pulled farther away from you who had circled the desk and stood right there, beside him with worry clear in your eyes.

"Yes, sorry. If you're ready, we can start. I will help you forget and stop these dreams," he told you because he hadn't promised you anything back then. It wouldn't have done anything good if he reminded you of him and your shared past. You would leave and forget either way.

You nodded but hesitated for a moment before walking back to the chair. Hyunjae felt like he could breathe again when he lit the candle in the middle of the table. He felt in control during hypnosis after all.

"Close your eyes," he instructed you in a mellow voice, never taking his eyes off your face, the way your eyelashes trembled as you complied. "Now imagine the place you told me about. Do you see the sea? The stars? The stairs?"

With each question, Hyunjae took a step closer to you, the ticks of his pocket watch louder by the moment.

"Okay, now turn your back to the sea," the boy continued after you confirmed that you were where you were supposed to be. "Good. Now turn around slowly. Once. Twice. Three times. With each turn you feel your surroundings disappear into nothing. First the palace and the stairs. Then the sea and the beach. Lastly, the stars."

"One. Two. Three," you mumbled quietly under your nose with your eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

Hyunjae leaned down with one of his hands holding onto the backrest of the chair before he snapped his fingers right beside your ears to wake you up from the hypnosis. Your eyes widened suddenly with clarity and your gazes locked. Hyunjae's breath caught in his throat. Gosh, you were magnetic, how could he have forgotten?

He couldn't make himself move, not even when you leaned forward, lifted your hand and touched his cheek, caressing almost lovingly. Your eyes were dark and dreamy, cloudy with the after-effect of the hypnosis and your lips were bitten red like cherries and your voice was like an enchantment itself.

"Hyunjae."

His name fell from your lips like a plea or a summon and it was his turn to widen his eyes in surprise. Before he could have said anything though, you fainted right into his arms.

The wind chime outside of the ragged tent played a slow symphony to the rhythm of the morning breeze.

Hyunjae was humming an old folk song about the celestial palace and a runaway immortal as he peeked outside. There was nobody there, just the clear sea and white sand with shells you collected from the day before.

The circus had left long ago.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Another song for My Girl, My Girl, My Girl

Honestly a lot of Half.Alive songs fit really well with Sorry, It's Locked in general. Like, I have one for Birdie and Tim in Crossroads and I have this one for My Girl. I don't know what it is about their songs, but they're just so perfect for this series, especially the quieter moments, you know? They're the exact kind of nostalgic/happy-sad vibes I want a lot of the quiet moments to have, i think.

Honestly, now that I'm really thinking about it, this song feels like it fits kinda the whole series, a little bit.

I never told You never asked 'Til I got older I kept it wrapped You had me holding up my past I came to know it's what I want so bad

For My Girl i think this just feels like if Jay had actually realised he was trans, like, got a lot further down that line than he actually will. It's like him realising how much he hid and now that Tim's pointed things out to him, he can look back on his life and kinda notice all the moments from when he was younger that were evidence of him being trans, even if at the time and for a long while after he didn't think twice about them.

And Tim did sort of ask Jay if he was trans, but the second Jay denied it he backed down and let it go. Sort of. He still sets up their forced fem and general fem sex stuff in a way that he hopes will make Jay feel more comfortable actually exploring his gender. But as far as Jay's concerned, or would be concerned if he lived long enough to figure it out, Tim never asked so Jay didn't tell him he was trans until way later on. As in, had Jay lived it would have taken him close to 5-10 years before he told Tim he was trans.

He would figure it out eventually, though. He'd take a while, but eventually he'd realise that what he wanted was actually to be she and her and Lark.

You know I wanna live to fast And die too young It ain't that bad Just don't look up I found my path is that enough?

This is kind of Jay's attitude to everything in my head. Like, i don't know it just is. He definitely lives too fast, and he's going to die too young. He downplays things a lot (though, he also makes other things out to be worse than they are? He's a bit all over the place) like, I'm pretty sure he actually says the words "It wasn't that bad" or "It's not that bad" in S,IL itself at some point, when he's talking to Tim about Alex.

He's pretty sure he's not going to live very long though. That's his path, he doesn't want it to happen, he wants to survive this whole thing with Tim and go on with their lives after, but he's not fully convinced they'll get that. It's mostly just a nice thought for him.

Well I was getting used to what I thought was love It made me laugh I came undone 'Cause all I had Was not enough

Jay's understanding of If It Ain't Broken and everything that happened in that. Like, yeah yeah he knew Alex wasn't in love with him, but he did get used to their relationship and how it was, and that became what he thought all/most relationships would be in his life. And everything he had to give Alex 'wasn't enough' to make Alex love him back (or so he thought), and that did make him come undone a little bit, yknow? It fucked him up really bad, not just in the "oh poor guy he's so hurt and upset by it" way, but also in the "Oh he doesn't really understand boundaries and really needs to work on his ability to communicate what he wants properly" way.

I want you to move me I want you to move me Step into the moonlight Throw your weight in to me

Okay, so, this bit's like, lyrically it fits very well with Jay's inability to ask for what he wants and him just wanting Tim to do whatever so Jay doesn't have to deal with the embarrassment of telling Tim what he wants and why he wants it. He just wants Tim to make him do it.

On the other hand, this song is so very gently upbeat that something as serious as that feels inappropriate to connect to it. The mention of moonlight reminds me of the fic White Noise which is to be uploaded after this next chapter of My Girl. Jay and Tim go stargazing together and end up leaning against each other as they sit on the roof of one of their cars. They do this for Jay's birthday, and the gesture is incredibly moving to Jay, as it is a celebration of him still being alive that he had previously (in chapter three) assured Tim was not necessary.

I want your storms Shaking the trees I want your waves Breaking on me I want your knife To cut the seams When all the feelings Tie me up to be

This verse clearly would be a reference to Jay and Alex's past relationship, both in university and two years prior to My Girl, when they had sex for the first and last time since university. This works for both of those relationships, as both were hectic and turbulent and harmful to all involved. Storms that shake the trees often rend branches from their home trunks and can leave people with devastating injuries as well as a fear of storms that they never before held. Storm waves can do the same, dashing people upon rocks and causing clifftops to slump or crumble, dragging any hapless victims who may had been standing there to their deaths.

Knives do not typically come with storms, however often within Sorry, It's Locked Jay would make references and allusions to heartbreak by speaking about Alex holding his heart in his hands after having carved it from his chest with a knife. Alex was always insinuated to be careless with Jay's heart not only for having carved it from his chest (a bloody, gruesome and deadly action to take) but also because once he had Jay's heart in his hands he would continue to use the knife upon it. This was meant as a comment on how even after Jay had given Alex everything he had, even going so far as to allow him to claim Jay's heart as his own without giving anything in return, Alex still continued to cause harm to Jay simply because he wanted to. He had nothing more to gain from the damage he caused, he simply wanted to do it, so he did.

You know I wanna live to fast And die too young It ain't that bad Just don't look up I found my path is that enough? Well I was getting used to what I thought was love It made me laugh I came undone 'Cause all I had Was not enough

After the previous verse, the chorus takes on a new meaning, talking more about how Jay would have allowed Alex to destroy him in his entirety simply because he thought he loved him, despite how Alex hurt him and the knowledge that Alex would never love him back. He convinces himself that what is happening between them isn't 'that bad' and convinces himself that there is nothing better for him to look up and try to find. He is content to continue down this path of destruction at Alex's hands.

mutual destruction dude? Alex wasn't the only one at fault?? like, at all? he was just as hurt by their uni relationship as Jay was, probably more honestly.

My apologies.

I want you to move me I want you to move me Step into the moonlight Throw your weight in to me

Once again, the chorus takes on a new meaning when thought about in the context of Jay and Alex's university relationship. Jay and Alex's university relationship was built around mutually agreed upon power dynamics and dominance and submission, often with Alex physically moving Jay around as he pleased or 'throwing his weight into him' in order to hold him down. This was, of course, all at least mostly agreed upon by the two of them (although my understanding is that they should have spoken about it far more and far more freely than they did, as miscommunication between them did lead to situations with dubiously consensual elements)

Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Okay. SO. one just generally i really like this line, like, yeah idk i just do. But like, i think it just works so well for both Jam and Jaylex, yknow? like, idk it's like all those ocean metaphores i use for Jay's relationships, with Alex being a stormy ocean that's dangerous and getting subby with him was like drowning whereas Tim was a calm, peaceful ocean and getting subby with him is like floating in a calm, warm sea.

"Be my chain where i stand" can either be "hey, you're tethering me to earth and making me feel more real and secure and safe because I can't just float away and suffocate in the vastness of space." OR it can be "You're fucking trapping me let me go, these chains are hurting me and i long for freedom. My wrists and ankles are raw from the shackles, just let me go." That last one can both be how Jay felt about Alex and that relationship back in uni, OR it can more specifically be Jay about how he can't ever seem to quite get over Alex and how his continued like, love for him is causing him pain because he knows the relationship was bad for him and he knows Alex will never love him back. well he thinks Alex will never love him back. He is wrong about that one tho lol

"Want to be my song when i can't dance" can also be both Jam and Jaylex. Like, chapter 2 of S,IL, duh, all those songs on the radio that just felt like they were making fun of Jay because of how fucked up his relationship with Alex was, and because he was daydreaming about getting to dance around the kitchen with Alex and wondering if Amy did that with him, knowing that he wasn't going to get that cute domestic stuff with Alex no matter how badly he wanted it. OR. it can be jam. it can be Jam inn chapter three of My Girl, because they are going to get to dance to the radio together like Jaylex never did and it's gonna be wonderful.

Also "When i can't dance i want you to move me" does fall a bit back to the whole Jay cant ask for what he wants thing, but I think it's probably in a softer way, yknow? Like, feeling awkward or lost in Tim's kitchen because he never got anything like this with Alex so he doesn't really know what he's doing. He's not good at romance even though he craves it, so he needs Tim to teach him the steps (both the steps to the dance and the steps to take to make their relationship work and be healthy)

"Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe" again this just feels like the whole "ocean metaphores for both relationships but in different ways" thing. Alex was a distructive fire that made it hard to breath and Jay was so exhilarated by it that the adrenaline stopped him getting tired of it, even when it hurt him. Tim is like a campfire, all warm and glowing and you roast marshmallows on it with your loved ones, sure the heat still makes it hard to breath when you're close enough to it so you can roast your marshmallows (??? I think I'm using marshmallows as a metaphore for them having sex???) but it's not an all encompasing forest fire, there's more to this fire than just using the heat to roast marshmallows. You can just sit by it and swap stories, you can use it to warm up and recharge after a long, tiring day. Jay can never get tired of this fire, not because the adrenaline is keeping him awake, just because who could get tired of a campfire? they're so lovely.

I want you to move me Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance I want you to move me Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe Step into the moonlight Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance Throw your weight in to me Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Same

Be my chain Where I stand Would you be my song When I can't dance Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Same

[silverwings22]

Song of the Sea: Chapter 25: About Us

Chapter warnings: tentacle porn. That's it. If you've read this far, you knew what you were getting into. Series Warnings: explicit smut, alien anatomy (it's a monsterfucker fic, guys), major character injury, grief, canon typical violence, autistic meltdowns, and my terrible attempts at Mando'a

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The ship was empty when Shiani woke up from her couple day nap, the rest of the Batch at the bar and Tech staying behind to keep vigil over his siren while she’d been healing. She yawned sleepily and looked down from the bunk, her wakening unnoticed as he worked at something on his datapad. She liked watching him work, forever fascinated with the sure way he moved and the adorable scrunch of his nose when he was concentrating. She might have watched for hours, if she hadn’t woken up with a question buzzing around her brain. Maybe it was because they’d seen Crosshair on Kamino, that her brain kept circling back to it.

 “Tech?" 

He looked up immediately, smiling when he saw her smile up above him like a star peeking through cloud cover. He immediately got to his feet and came to the side of the bed. "Yes, cyar'ika?"

She propped herself up on one elbow, looking at him thoughtfully for a moment. Even in just his blacks, he looked like the weight of the galaxy was sitting on his shoulders. “Do you remember what Crosshair said about you and me on Bracca?” 

His face turned red immediately. "That is rather difficult to forget."

"You never explained what he meant." Shiani sat up, waving for him to come closer. Theirs was a top bunk, so when he shuffled to her his head was even with her knees. She leaned down and cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look at her when he'd rather keep his head down. "Will you tell me now?"

Tech sighed, leaning into her touch slowly. "I do not wish to make you uncomfortable."

"I’ll be fine." She shifted her grip to pet his hair lightly. “But he’s still with the Empire. I don’t want anything he knows about you  to ever be used as a weapon against you again.” 

"Crosshair was referring to… an old conversation. One we had while somewhat intoxicated." He mumbled, eyes sliding to the side 

"You’re embarrassed." She said knowingly. She knew he’d somehow mentioned to his brother than he wanted to sleep with her before they’d gotten together, but the specifics of the conversation he seemed to avoid at all costs.

"Yes. It is… highly uncomfortable to have my brother bring up a drunken sexual fantasy in front of anyone else. Particularly you, my partner.” He shook his head faintly. "That was something you and I should have been able to discuss on our own."

"Would you ever have told me if I didn’t ask?" Shiani leaned over a little further to kiss Tech's forehead.

"... Most likely." He sighed. "But certainly not this early in our relationship…"

"You think I’d… what did he say back then? Swim away?" She chuckled. “You don’t ever have to be afraid of that.”

Tech leaned his head on her knee. "I cannot help it."

"Why?"

"What Crosshair was talking about… may be a bit more deviant than you are willing to deal with. You are from a relatively conservative culture-"

"That I left." She reminded him. “Twice, if you consider the exile and the fight with Kashae.”

"It is also outside of the traditional sphere of masculinity. I cannot stand the idea that you would think less of me."

"I would never. You’re the bravest man I know. Now come up here and snuggle with me, we’ll figure it out." She encouraged him, scooting over so he could kick off his boots and climb into the bunk. He laid on his back and she settled on top of him, arms crossed over his stomach with her chin resting on them. "Sometimes the fact that you only have one heart amazes me. I can feel it pounding." Her observation was soft-spoken, but he flinched. 

"Yes."

"It's okay. It’s just me, don’t be nervous. It’s not like we’ve never made love before."

Tech's mouth was dry as Tattooine as he looked at her. "Easier said than done, mesh'la."

She smiled. "Everything is."

He fidgeted under her for a moment before turning his eyes to a section of paneling above them. Eye contact was difficult at the best of times, right now it felt impossible. "What Crosshair was referring to is an… interest in additional forms of stimulus during sexual contact. Specifically stimulation of the prostate."

Shiani rolled back her memory to the human anatomy scans she'd spent forever looking at during her assisting him with his brain scanner. Prostate… "Oh! I know what that is. Only in males."

Tech turned another shade redder. "Y-yes… he was specifically referring to the fact you have additional appendages that could be used for that purpose…"

She cocked her head to the side, like he'd make more sense to her at a 45° angle. "That’s what he meant by my tentacles?"

"It is perfectly reasonable for you to have no interest in something so out of the ordinary-" A clawed fingertip pressing to his lips shut him up. 

"Tech. To me, you are an alien. Everything we do is out of the ordinary." Her smile was sweet, not a trace of judgment in her eyes when he finally made himself meet them. "If that's what you want, we can try. If we don't like it, we stop. I know you, you’re a scientist. Your brain will never let it go until you give it a shot."

He stared at her until she removed her finger from his lips. "... that is your answer? I have been agonizing over this for months."

"That's because you overthink."

Tech sighed and wrapped his arms around her. "You are too good to me."

"I have a name again, and I’m on a starship and in bed with prettiest human in the galaxy. Because you’re good to me." She snuggled happily into his chest.

He kissed her head, smiling when her suction cups stuck to his glasses. "And you are sure you're interested in this… little experiment?"

"As long as you promise to tell me if anything feels bad. The last thing I want is to hurt you." She nodded. 

"Agreed."

"Then I’m happy to try. Tell me what you want."

Tech relaxed some and sat up, pulling her with him. "Perhaps we should lock the door first? Everyone is out of the ship, but there is never any real communication about when they are coming back."

She stretched a tentacle and hit the lock, shifting to sit on her knees in front of him. He leaned forward and kissed her, gentle at first but with a flavor of grateful longing that lingered on her tongue. They fell into each other, the near-death experience of Kamino a stark memory against the quiet of the room. When they broke apart, Tech cradled her face in his hands for a moment. Her wide eyes gazed back, entirely adoring, and he wondered once again how he'd ended up this lucky despite everything. "Lie back for me, cyar'ika." He breathed. "And… one final question."

"Yes?"

"May I record this? No one will see it but me… but I would like to revisit the moment."

Shaini smiled as he caught the hem of her shirt. "Okay.' She dropped onto her back as he pulled the garment over her head and let it fall to the floor. Tech took a moment to admire her stretched out before him before setting his goggles on the shelf and hooking his fingers into her waistband. She helpfully lifted her hips, the stark absence of her chains’ rattling when she moved dawning on her. She didn’t have them anymore. She never would again. 

But she did have Tech. 

Once she was bare, Tech quickly discarded his own blacks and set his lips against her skin, watching the way she shivered as he moved from one breast to the other. His tongue lathed over the sensitive flesh, half wondering about the biological purpose of pronounced breasts in an aquatic species… maybe he'd ask later. He had other, more pressing interests at the moment. 

Her stomach jumped slightly when his kisses moved downward, and he smiled faintly against her skin. "You are ticklish."

"Yes. Don’t tickle me now, Tech. We’re busy." Her chiding was playful at best, so he tucked the information away for later and continued his descent. When he reached his prize, he lightly dragged a fingertip across her folds. A soft gasp was reward enough, and he dropped his head between her legs. 

She hummed, pitching upwards as his tongue located the precise point that would undo her. He consumed her like a man starved, squeezing her hips lightly to hold her in place whenever she squirmed. She tucked her claws against her palms and drummed her knuckles against the mattress as the winding coil built rapidly in her core… Tech was was always good at this. Of course he was, Tech was good at everything and she loved him so much, and he was pulling her spirit out of her body at the moment without a word of complaint from Shiani. 

The one brain cell she still had possession of flew back to that first night, when she'd put her mouth on him like this and her carefully composed Tech had swore like a dock hand and forgot how to finish a sentence. If she could suck the intelligence out of a genius, she supposed it was only fair he could snatch her soul in the same way. It had belonged to him for years anyway. 

The orgasm snuck up on her almost embarrassingly quickly, and she lost her hum in favor of a desperate whine. It might have been his name, but it muddled into whimpers as she bucked against the hold he had on her. Tech wasn't willing to let up on her though, slowing down but never stopping his teasing kitten licks until she had ridden out her high and was trying to escape him and the overstimulation. 

When he finally took mercy on her and rested his cheek on her thigh, the blue pulse of her bioluminescence was bright enough to see with the lights on. She smiled, panting, and reached for his face. A clawed thumb wiped her slick from his chin. "M-messy." She giggled. 

"The best meals tend to be." He smirked, beyond pleased with himself, sitting up to crawl over her again. She squeaked when his weight settled atop her and he rolled, laying her across him. Her hands settled on his pectorals, pushing herself up to look at the clone. 

He was so pretty, she thought. Angular face, serious eyes, and the still-fading scar from where his chip had been removed all those months ago. She leaned down and delicately kissed the scar, grateful he really was free of that awful monster lurking in his skull. She never wanted to imagine him like Crosshair, stolen away from her by something that made him believe the ones who loved him most were his enemies. “This is supposed to be about you.” She teased. 

“On the contrary, I believe this is about us.” He leaned back, looking up at her. One arm stretched up towards the shelf on the side of his bunk where he kept a disorganized mess of chalk, machine oil, and little bits of scrap parts he’d tossed to the side. Behind the clutter, hidden on purpose, was a squeeze bottle of bacta-based medical lubricant. He sheepishly held it up to Shiani, who took it to inspect the label. “This should reduce any concern for injury or discomfort.” 

She giggled. “How long have you been hiding this bottle behind chalk box?”

He flushed. “Probably longer than necessary, seeing how well the conversation leading up to this went…” 

Shiani nodded, fiddling with the bottle lid. “Always preparing. So how do you want to do this?” 

He rubbed her hips with his thumbs, thinking, before lifting her up slightly. “Shift to the left, cyar’ika.” 

Agreeably, she wiggled her hips until Tech was notched at her entrance. His usually steady hands shook slightly on her hips. "At the… same time." He mumbled. 

Shiani shivered and nodded, uncapping the bottle and squeezing the slippery, cold substance onto one of her tentacles. Tech watched, eyes wide as she slicked it up carefully, her other limbs writhing to wrap around his legs and pull them apart. Finally the prepped appendage slipped from his sight as Shiani got a devilish look on her face and seized his wrists, pulling them over his head and pinning him flat. The vulnerability and sudden helplessness had the clone's head spinning when her lips parted, fangs inches from his blurry vision. "I’ll take care of you." She said sweetly, kissing his lips before shifting her hips. 

As he slid into her, she slid into him. The intrusion was much more slow than her seating herself, caution keeping her eyes screwed firmly onto his face for any signs of discomfort. Instead, his mouth was half open and his eyes crossed. He'd forgotten how to breathe.

Shiani kept her hips still as she pressed into him, searching for what he'd asked of her before she'd worry about her own pleasure from the throbbing cock inside her. It only took a few inches of feeding herself into the man below her until he jolted and whined.

"There?" She grinned breathlessly. 

Tech tried to jerk, searching another glowing brush of her skin against the most sensitive parts of him. Instead of a clear affirmative, he could only manage a pitiful "uh-huh…"

That was all she needed, rolling her hips smoothly as she began to ride him and twitched the dexterous muscle in him against his prostate. Tech was a mess, incoherent babbling of her name and pleas for what was most likely more, harder, faster. 

She only held onto her self control by a thread of delight at his debauched state. This was power, the ability to undo a man so tightly wound. Her body, her hands and mouth and flesh could brand something so intimate and mind-numbing into this man she loved so much…

She pressed her forehead against his, closing her eyes and focusing on the genius's feelings as his every nerve ending was shot to scrap. "That’s right. Come for me." She cooed, grinding her hips down a little harder as she pressed the magic button in him that made him lose his mind. 

She needed him to come, and take him with her, so that she could ease the burning under both their skin. They'd have this, something he could never recreate with anyone but her, to be theirs forever. 

"Sh-shia-ni!" He groaned, and her lilting siren's kiss followed the broken sound of his voice. 

Tech unraveled, blood burning with electricity as he came harder than he'd ever done. Too many sensations fried his brain, til there was nothing left but the siren's song and touch. Dimly he heard her voice catch and she squeezed tight around him, his frenetic spasm grinding him right where she needed him most. She followed him to bliss, like she'd follow him anywhere. 

When he went limp, she lay her head on his chest and shuddered through the combined aftershocks of their releases. He took a long time to drift back into his consciousness, like a leaf fluttering to the ground. When he did, her nail was lightly tracing the skin of his pectorals. "Tech?" She cooed. "You okay?"

"...fuck." He mumbled bluntly. 

She giggled. "Experiment success?"

"I believe we will… require additional testing. But not right now. I don't believe I can move."

She carefully pulled off and out of him, Tech shuddering at the loss of her warmth. She quickly pulled his blanket over the both of them and curled up to his side, unlatching the door as she did. She petted his hair, turned off the recording feature of his goggles, and returned them in the sweetest display of aftercare he'd ever experienced. "You don’t need to move. I’ll take care of you." She breathed. "Go to sleep."

He nodded, managing to flop over on his side like a landed fish to hold her. "You are spectacular, my cyar'ika." He mumbled, exhausted and spent. 

"I love you." She whispered back, mulling over the bits of Mando’a she'd struggled to teach herself. "Ni kar'tayl su."

Tech smiled against her ear fin, the hand on her hip squeezing three times. "Clever girl."

[seaside-lovers-archive]

⚓ Jotaro & Kate 🦉

Ship name/tag: ⚓ oceans of love

Anniversary: June 15, 2020

F/O source: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure

My backstory: I'm an employee working at the Speedwagon Foundation during the events of Stardust Crusaders. I joined with the intention of working in their conservation program, but I am also being trained to help study stands as I have an interest in them (and awakened my own several years back).

How we meet: I meet Jotaro for the first time after I travel to the Tokyo branch of the Speedwagon Foundation to assist in the study of stands with Muhammad Avdol. We're introduced by his grandfather, Joseph Joestar, who figures since we are similar in age, we should get along just fine.

First impressions: My first impression of jotaro is that he is cold and rude. At least, that's what I think of him at the time. He's hard to read and comes across as uncaring to me.

Jotaro isn't really sure what to think of me. I'm loud and bright, overwhelming in a way. He tries to avoid me though his grandfather keeps setting things up so we are partnered together on projects, studying together, etc.

Getting closer: At one point, I ask Jotaro about his studies and we discover we have a mutual interest in animals, especially sharks. This gives us a springboard for conversation and we start to talk a lot more rather than just sitting in awkward silence. As we get to talking about sharks, it slowly starts to branch out into getting to know one another more.

It's during this time that I get more used to Jotaro and let my mask drop, becoming calmer/quieter as I don't feel the need to keep up a high energy facade around him. I also start to get a feel for his personality; he may have came across as cold, but he is quite sweet, just not great at expressing his emotions.

Beginning our relationship: Jotaro and I both developed a crush on each other around the same time. I was honest to him after I realized it, telling hi that I liked him and would love to start dating if he was up for it. Having someone he actually liked approach him and ask him out was a bit flustering, but he accepted, and we started dating.

We dated through college before I proposed and we got married right after getting our Bachelor's degrees.

Canon introduction: Working for the Speedwagon Foundation same as Jotaro, I tag along with him on the trip (with Jolyne staying at Grandma Holly's while we are at work).

Ship trope(s): None ATM

Aesthetics: Oceans, blue + purple

Our song(s): "Falling In" by Lifehouse, "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You, Baby" by Cigarettes After Sex

Favorite forms of affection: Kisses... give me more kisses, please. Forehead kisses are my favorite to receive.

Jotaro loves being tightly squeezed. He loves the sensation and being able to snuggle into my shoulder and just give himself a moment to forget everything but us.

Favorite kind of date: Coffee dates are our favorite. We both like coffee and it's nice to sit together and talk or sit in silence depending on the day.

Ways we comfort one another: I comfort Jotaro by sitting with him. The fight in Cairo left him anxiety, so I let him come to me when he needs it. Sometimes he just wants to sit in silence and sometimes I'll comfort him and remind him that we're both safe.

Jotaro comforts me via physical affection. I also enjoy bear hugs but I find them to be the best when I'm needing comfort. Just sitting cuddled together while he holds me tightly can help me a lot.

What we love most about each other: I love Jotaro's loyalty and protectiveness. Once he's friends with someone, he sticks by them and becomes very protective of them. He hates seeing harm come to his loved ones and will go to the ends of the earth to protect us.

Jotaro loves my gestures of love. I'm not a super romantic person, but I love declaring my love and affection for him in lots of ways, like getting on one knee and swearing myself to him, kissing his hand, etc (when we're alone; I don't want to embarrass him). He loves being made to feel loved like this and it shows when his face turns bright red and he pulls down his hat, though I can catch the small smile underneath. He also appreciates my keeping it private since I know he isn't one for PDA.

[shenyaanigans]

3, 6, 17, 18, 27, 29 for ao3 wrapped! if you want to, of course :)

AAAA hello dear friend!! <3 thank u so much for the asks! 3&17 i answered here, but i shall answer the rest of these! <3

ao3 wrapped

6. Favorite title you used

I gotta give this one to an angel's share which was supposed to be a 5+1 that got. Out of Hand, let's say. The context is that I went to a distillery in Ireland at around the time I was being consumed by Trigun brainrot, and during the tour, the tour guide talked about how, when whiskey is aging in its barrels, it loses about 10% of its volume to evaporation, but back in the olden days, they didn't know that's what happened, so they chalked up the missing whiskey to "the angel's share"--where angels came down and blessed the barrels in the morning before they were opened, and took a drink with them. I found this anecdote to be so cute and inspiring, and I pictured Vash stealing things from Wolfwood and well. The rest is history. LOL

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Interestingly, I would say this is Wolfwood. Not because I actually felt like he gave me trouble during the writing process, but because Trigun fandom started to really make me question whether I was doing a good job with him by the end... Part of the reason an angel's share remains unfinished is because I feel vaguely... I don't know, embarrassed? It's difficult to keep going once the seed that I've been fundamentally mistaken about a character is planted, because I can't stop second guessing that I'm somehow doing something wrong. This, as well as some other factors, made Wolfwood difficult to go back to, despite that I love him and have confidence in my literary analysis of both him and Vash.

27. What do you listen to while writing?

So USUALLY nothing, but sometimes, I'll just listen to a single song on repeat that for some reason really gets me in the groove. For like no reason. Which is why my top songs on spotify are so fucked up LOL

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

I have a lot of favorites, but I love the drawing scene from chapter 5 of bodice ripper. It's both a massive narrative pay-off moment, and a showcase of good writing at the same time, and marrying those two aspects of narrative work has always been something I've struggled with! Here is my favorite excerpt from that scene:

With that, he turns to go. Jing Yuan is reminded, suddenly, of that day on the Alchemy Commission’s beach, when he’d run into Mr. Yang again after ignoring him for days. What if he had ended this all there? If he had allowed Mr. Yang to walk away back then, would it have been better? Certainly, it would have spared them both the tension of now. But— Is it so much better to have never suffered through loss, Mr. Yang had said at dinner, than it is to have risked and gained something that mattered? It occurs to Jing Yuan, throughout all this, he has risked nothing. Actually, he has risked nothing his entire life. And he has risked nothing knowing that risking nothing was the correct thing to do, because he has watched every person he has ever known risk something at the expense of everything, just because the potential return was high. It is he who has lived so long because he has always taken the cautious path, the meticulous path, knowing risk is only worth it when victory is assured first. He has always been a coward. It doesn’t bother him.

[daughter-of-melpomene]

🦁 + Elena Isley, please??

@dancingsunflowers-ocs ✨💙✨

I have not thought about Elena in way too long, so thank you so much for this, Alexandra!!

Their favorite gem stone: Emeralds, of course; they’re her favorite color.

Their most heroic moment: Going absolutely ape-shit with her powers during the final battle with Steppenwolf and making a bunch of trees and vines spring up to impale and strangle the parademons.

A superstition they believe in (if they do believe in them): She’s not really superstitious.

Their favorite 2000s song: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne.

Their first pet: A ginger alley cat that she found and took in while she was still with her mother, which she named Princess. The poor thing was only in Poison Ivy’s lair for a week before Ivy caught her chewing on some plants and tossed her out, and Elena still wonders sometimes whatever happened to her.

Their favorite video game: She really likes the Last of Us games; she thinks the story of the apocalypse is a very good reminder not to mess with nature.

Their lowest moment: After her first few times going out to fight crime with Bruce as Persephone, Elena came across a bunch of people online who had made the connection between her powers and Poison Ivy and were saying that “Batman’s new sidekick” must be a minion sent by Ivy to take the Dark Knight down. Elena had been working hard for so long to distance herself from her mother and work towards becoming a hero like Bruce, and to see these people take one look at her and still assume she was like her mother hurt her deeply.

Their crime against humanity (whether that's an actual crime or something cringeworthy/embarrassing they've done): Never closing a box of food when she’s done with it and just putting it back in the cupboard still open; Alfred has scolded her so many times for this it isn’t even funny.

Their middle name: Pamela, after her mother, naturally.

If they have sloppy or neat handwriting: It’s relatively neat, but kind of slanted in a way that can sometimes make it hard to read.

Send me 🦁 + an OC!!

[purplesurveys]

1774

What song reminds you of being in middle school? TikTok by Kesha or that Like A G6 song. Hurls me right back to being in the middle of grade school and being an angsty pre-teen who thought she was indestructible, lol.

What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Uh...I don't know haha, I think eggs since it's very easy to work with. To this day it remains the one thing I know how to cook.

What does your hair currently look like? It's in a half-ponytail which is how I often style it these days.

Who’s the worst driver you know? One of my uncles. I will say it's been a while since I rode a car he drove so he could have changed since then, but I have pretty strong memories of him having a tendency to hit hard on the brakes. I always had motion sickness whenever it was him driving.

What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Are frogs and lizards considered wild animals...? They're the only ones that hang out where I live, besides stray cats and dogs.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? Not really. Even emotional videos I scroll past on social media can make me tear up quite easily.

If the last dream you had came true, would that be a good or bad thing? It would be both. It was a very complicated dream for reasons only I would know.

Have you ever had a lucid dream? Nope.

How long did your last car ride last? I want to say around half an hour. We came from just a nearby mall but then my mom had to make a quick stop at the grocery to get rice.

Isn’t it disgusting when people chew with their mouth open? It's not the worst thing in the world for me, personally, but I do dislike it when I have to watch someone talk while chewing.

What’s your most prominent memory from 2009? Being betrayed and publicly embarrassed by someone who I thought was a close friend.

Do you think there will ever be world peace? Nope.

What’s your biggest problem at the moment? All the adjustments I have to make for my new position at work. I never signed up to be part of the leadership team. I don't give a fuck how much the business makes. I don't care about company targets. Just let me do the dirty work and make me just write a bunch of stuff again! Haha I hate being so negative but ugh, this whole thing has just been taking up 95% of my headspace. I really can't wait to leave but that's also once I can figure out what the hell I wanna do next.

Has anyone ever told you you’re too emotionally needy? No.

Has an ex ever told you that they want you back? Nope.

Have you ever turned down a job offer? I have not.

What’s the longest hospital stay you’ve had? For what? It was just overnight. I had to be admitted for low platelet count. 

Do you know anyone who doesn’t know the basics of using a computer? Sure but they're all old people, like my grandparents.

What was the last snack you ate? I had a double cheeseburger and twister fries last night.

What’s something really basic that you’re terrible at? Wrapping gifts. I've long come to terms with the fact that I just Can't Do It so I either get paper bags or pay my sister to wrap gifts for me. 

Is it just me, or are tv shows/movies getting to be really dumbed down? I wouldn't say so. It just depends on what stuff you get surrounded with. There constantly continues to be gems out there.

Do you know any same-sex married couples? I do.

What was the last appointment you scheduled? Dentist appointment, last week.

Are you happy with the person you have become? Yes. Sure I bitch too much about work lol but that doesn't take away from how fulfilled I feel about my achievements and everything I power through.

What year were you born? 1998.

What does your favorite watch look like? I don't wear watches.

Did you have one of those Tamagotchi things as a kid? No, it was above our budget. I got a fake Tamagotchi once but if I remember correctly it worked for like only a day.

What’s your favorite kind of wine? I was never into wine, but in general and if asked I always opt for red. But yeah, I mean it's too bitter for me and I always feel sleepy when drinking wine.

When was the last time you felt lonely? I haven't felt lonely in a long time. It's helped me a lot to be perfectly content even when on my own.

Are your parents still together? They are.

Have you ever been so broke you didn’t know how you’d keep a roof over your head? No. That's an aspect of Asian culture I'm grateful for – family ties are super strong, the pressure to move out once turning 18 is completely nonexistent, and in general one can live with their family however long they wish and there'd be zero societal shame for it.

Do you know anyone who believes that vaccines cause autism? Not autism exactly but I know a few people who've been brainwashed into thinking that vaccines can cause other problems, like death lol. My paternal grandparents fall under that category and I can still remember the secondhand frustration I felt watching my parents painstakingly force them to take at least one shot for Covid.

What was the last piece of furniture you bought? I can't remember.

What’s a new skill you’d like to learn? Pottery and editing videos.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? Celebrated the release of D-Day; watched Yoongi's documentary; and had dinner with friends.

Do you have any great housecleaning tips? Not really.

What’s your favorite cocktail? Long island iced tea.

Did your favorite movie come out before or after you were born? Well before; it came out in 1967.

Is there anything you need to do before the end of the day? Change into comfier clothes.

[myybelovedghostandme]

You’re Losing Me

I just think that as someone who is currently going through the ringer with my m*rriage, You’re Losing Me might be one of the most gut-punching songs she’s ever written and released, especially when held up next to Cornelia Street.

There is something so tangible about a line that says, “you say I don’t understand,” and I say, “I know you don’t” because of how often communication falling apart is just the first step to the downfall of a relationship. You plead, and beg, and explain over and over and over again what you want and need. And then nothing changes.

He told me to get out of the house. I begged him to try counseling. He relented—but only because he didn’t want to look like the bad guy. He didn’t want to be accused of being unreasonable.

Those first few months, he tried to get me to leave.

The signs are always there, whether you see them or not. Sometimes, it’s just refusal to accept what’s plainly in front of you: the end of a relationship. Sometimes it’s denial, sometimes it’s thinking, “If we can just make it to XYZ, we’ll be able to fix it.”

Six years (how long I’ve been married) is a long time, especially when it’s been spent building a life with someone. “Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?” WRECKS me because it reminds me of a conversation where my spouse sat me down and told me how he wanted to divide assets. Taking a life built together and ripping it in half as if that will ease the ache left in the wake of the destruction.

I turn this song on in the car and scream it at the top of my lungs. There is something healing about having a song that encapsulates exactly how a moment/relationship feels. I cry when I reach the line, “I know my pain is such an imposition.” I can’t breathe when I hear the bridge.

My spouse looked me in the eye told me he didn’t love me anymore. He told me my mental illness was a burden. He told me I wasn’t pulling my weight (untrue, he just wasn’t paying attention). He told me I was dark, troubled, and painful to be around. He told me I was a piece of shit. That I was embarrassing. At 29, he believes I am too old to love things as broadly and loudly as I do—and especially so of Taylor Swift, as if she hadn’t been there are every single pivotal moment of my life. As if she hadn’t gotten me through the absolute worst days I’ve ever lived through. In order to be accepted, I had to become less.

A lot of this is because I don’t want kids, which is something I was very clear about before we stood at the altar and said, “I do.” Now, it’s gasoline on the fire. I’m a miserable bitch because I don’t want a family—as if it’s only family when there are children in the picture.

There was a moment, months before he asked for a divorce, where I gave up. Deep down, I understood that it wasn’t just that we weren’t on the same page. We weren’t even reading the same book. We were even in the same genre. I understood then that we didn’t understand each other, we didn’t want the same things anymore, we were no longer compatible. The things he used to say he loved about me, the things he said that helped him fall in love, were now reasons why he hated being with me.

I stayed because I love him. He agreed to counseling. The two of us, sitting across from a marriage counselor once a week, splitting open our chests until our hearts lay raw and bleeding on the floor. Learning to communicate. To forgive. To understand.

And it’s working.

Last month, he asked me to never leave him.

Last week, he said he was so happy we never got divorced.

I am left with a husband who loves me again but a marriage I no longer believe in. I don’t know what love is anymore because I can’t understand how someone who claims to love me would have said the things he did or done the things he did. When he tells me loves me, I can’t trust that he means it.

I feel like I’ve lost more than the illusion of a happy marriage. I’ve lost myself along the way.

It’s just crazy to me that midnights came into the world two weeks after my marriage fell apart, an album that I listened to and immediately said, “this album is the opposite of lover.” A breakup album, whether it was intended to be so or not. Full of complex emotions, skipping between love and loss, loneliness, anger, confusion. A variation of the stages of grief played out over the course of 19 songs. A heart laid bare.

You’re Losing Me feels like the song that ties the entire narrative together—and completely eviscerates Lover. And it nails home that, once again, Taylor Swift albums are the landmarks of my life.

[theredbackpack]

I saw Tisakorean live last week. I did not pay attention to the openers until right before the show started, but was blown away at the lineup: Texas Boyz, Yung Nation, and Trill Sammy with Dice Soho were the big names. Across these acts, you can draw a line from them to Tisakorean's new music. It was an incredible blend of circa-2011 blog-rap nostalgia that called to mind in the best way my nights at small sweaty clubs seeing eight rappers in a row over the course of four hours.

I don't know if you've seen the videos of Soulja Boy snapping, but I clocked it as a reaction to what Tisakorean is doing. It speaks to a trend/zeitgeist: concurrent to this is the embarrassing efforts to make "indie sleaze" a thing, which confusingly throws all manner of sounds and aesthetics anywhere from about 2004 to 2010 into a blender. The Dare kinda sound like LCD Soundsystem but they also remind me of mid-'00s detritus like The Bravery. I sense the same era rap music creeping on the margins: Homer Radio featured a slew of snap/dance music in a recent episode (#23, from April); indie sleaze nostalgia combined with "blog rap" podcasts point toward an endpoint destined to go just a few eras backward in time; the fact that 2003 was twenty years ago; this Druski skit that dropped the day I drafted this; and yes, Tisakorean's masterful album, Let Me Update My Status.

When Tisa appeared on the national stage in 2018, I thought he was riding the wave of a trend: regional dance rap that consisted of artists like Splurge and 10kcaash, alongside future footnotes like Lil Tecca. His 2019 debut, A Guide to Being a Partying Freshman, was met with a mixture of shrugs to light praise. A fun collaboration with Chance the Rapper seemed to seal his fate as a guy who would burn bright and hot but not for long.

The first time I thought "he has something" was 2020's "Bate Onna Bo" which weaved through so many movements in the span of four minutes it had to be the work of a musician with a real vision. By 2021 we got "Old School Cash" and "Silly Dude" and it was clear he was following his instincts and making the exact kind of music he wanted to make. This came to a head in 2022 with his EP 1st Round Pick and "Backseat," which was my favorite song of the year. Sometimes that's as far as an artist can go. But he pressed on: Let Me Update My Status underlines my thought that Tisakorean is an era-defining rapper in a time when artists make interminably long albums to game the streaming algorithm then disappear off the planet.

It may seem premature to call Tisakorean era-defining but that's where I landed. I don't mean he's sold the most albums or had the most hits, but in this age where you can have a few songs and leave no impact, that he's had an audience since 2018 is huge: that he's produced great music since at least 2020 is even more impressive. (While I never disliked his earliest music, it hits a lot better now in the context of his career arc.) A lot of people who liked "The Mop" may not be following him now, but artists who shed casual fans are probably doing something noteworthy. No one is good for three years, let alone five. I like Travis Porter more than your average person, but I'd argue at best they had a three year imperial phase. Now anyone starting a twitter reply with "buddy" doesn't know they exist.

The Atlanta snap/swag sound and movement from 2006 through about 2009 was a singular moment that came just as regional music was cresting (Houston famously in 2005, Three 6 Mafia won the Oscar in 2006), before blogs, before Drake. Early Gucci Mane was popping off and OJ da Juiceman became a household name within this precarious window. But as soon as all cool regional stuff became fodder for rappers on major labels and young hypebeasts like ASAP Rocky to absorb, it was over, which is why it's due for a renaissance.

It's getting harder to imagine life before smartphones, before omnipresent internet and connectivity, before literally every aspect of our lives was managed by at most three or four corporations. Kevin Durant's iconic BlackPlanet page might as well be the Dead Sea Scrolls as a relic of his personality expressed through that era of the internet. But any means of original expression becomes unlikelier as we get funneled into pre-ordained ways of being our ourselves, of consuming art and media and sports, to the fabric of our thoughts.

A few years ago Matty Healy described his life pre-internet the best I've heard it. It's not about the changes it brought, but that he cannot remember what it was like to live without it. He cannot remember what it felt like to feel things before the internet, and what it felt like to not have to think about the internet as he felt things, and that his life and experiences still had meaning. And this inability to remember will render us more vulnerable to exploitation, and feeling like we are not connected to our true selves.

It used to feel different to feel alone, to feel sad, happy, etc, without thinking about how to broadcast it. Even if you don't put yourself online like that, there's an inkling to want to. I took a ton of pictures and videos at the Tisa show and I put some in my stories, but I found I didn't want to share them permanently. They are for me.

Let Me Update My Status is a masterpiece in perfecting sounds from snap to crunk to mid-aughts Neptunes. It's a callback to a simpler time, which is nearly impossible to do without some subconscious argument we also need to return to simpler, regressive politics. What makes the album so invigorating is how thoroughly it plumbs the era as an aesthetic and sound, not just as an excuse to make goofy videos. Its accomplishment is how it demonstrates snap music as an organic form that was never a response to anything: it was not conservative in its values, instead it was a truly original and innovative Black American artform that took time to receive the respect it deserved. (Quick aside: yes there were people who always loved it and it was popular for a reason, but it was not considered a given until years later.)

In Kelefa Sanneh's Major Labels he says in spite of the liberal ideology at the heart of punk music, it was a conservative movement because art that aspires to either simplicity in its content (songs as political statements) or as a "return to form" (three chords and 4/4 time) is reactionary. The real-world impact of punk as ostensibly progressive expression was what came after it; it's Minor Threat and Green Day but also skinhead music. When mid-'10s revisionism took hold and people rightfully concluded "D4L were important" it took forgettable Big Sean and Kid Ink albums to get there; it took the critical adulation upon the arrival of artists as disparate as Kendrick Lamar, Future, and Waka Flocka Flame to get there; it took time to get there, to see what had shaped everything that preceded the moment as vital to the culture.

Tisakorean’s delirious ode to snap music locates within a specific timeframe from the past an emotional center and palette, finding new entry points into the sound, blending homemade beats with experimental forms as well as hyperpop to fashion an immersive triumph. There’s nothing one-dimensional about Let Me Update My Status and it also doesn’t conjure any Bush-era feelings of excess or doom, which it might do if it used nostalgia as a gimmick. I love Let Me Update My Status because it sounds exactly like how 2007 felt, and for me 2007 was a good year to be alive, using the internet not because I had to but because I wanted to.

///

Finally, Found Me Volume Two, released with my creative brother Fat Tony, released in February. Buy one here. It continues to be my favorite thing I do. I wrote about Lil Yachty for NPR. Read that here. I started a Linktree and will add to it when necessary; bookmark/follow me here.

[nightsweatsx]

I let love in, I let love in

You’re thirty one years old, just got out of a five month relationship, you’re convinced it was the best relationship you’ve had in your entire life. You base this off the sure fact that you haven’t once shown any of your insecurities, that you believe do not exist anymore, because hey, you spent the last six years ‘working on yourself, hindsight, you didn’t work on yourself. 

You instead, spent the last six years, single, sending nude photographs almost to anyone you found attractive, getting black out drunk only once in a year, so that was pretty good considering you would do it almost monthly previously, there it is ‘growth’. 

You decided to be more frivolous with posting nude photos of yourself to your social media, such as instagram, as a front that your weight gain was valid, ‘my body is beautiful, it is made this way, it’s called genetics hun, maybe my body is like this because of that? Can’t help it’, Crosses the street to the dairy for my dose of blood spiking levels of sugar with a Red Bull and a Cookie Time ‘it’s cool babes, I eat this, because I want it, I am not going to feel guilt after eating this, because I don’t associate the word guilt with food’.

Two years later, blood tests came in, along with a phone call from the nurse “you better come in, it’s pre-diabetes, you gotta stop with the red bulls love”. The denial was massive, so massive, you send a complaint to the Health & Disability Commissioner that your doctor did a secret hbA1c test with your other blood test, because everytime she has seen you, she points at you and turns her face upside and groans “you’ve put on weight, haven’t you?” 

You caught me doctor! The blood tests don’t lie! Weight gain has caused the pre-diabetes! 

You read right, six years of being single. It’s good to be on your own, to sit with your own thoughts, and company. If you can’t do that, there is something wrong with you. That’s not true at all, most people do find this difficult, and that’s fair, society is always teaching us that being alone is not fun, especially Coca Cola adverts, never see anyone just lying in their bed with their laptop pulled up to their chin, cracking open a cold Coke Zero and sipping on it making sure it doesn’t spill out the side of your mouth, down your cheek and to the back of your neck, never, it’s always laughing, jumping around, on the beach, yahoo, even chuck in an inflatable ball, the beach and a coke with my friends! 

Being single was a choice, but it got the point of, you’re single because you’re actively avoiding emotions. Feelings are too much, because you always acted out when those feelings became heightened, there was no mindfulness, no wise mind in place, just full reactionary blow outs. You increasingly become more aware of this avoidance, that you begin to let yourself become a little vulnerable. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song ‘I Let Love In’ chimes in, reminding you that you may indeed allow love back into your life. You get a tattoo of Robbie Williams with the words “I just wanna feel” on your leg, to remind yourself, it is going to be okay, if I allow myself to endure this. You are in control!

How embarrassing to find that you allow these feelings to enter your life again, and when a moment is taken out of your control, and you are not being provided with the answers you want to hear, you lose it? You absolutely lose it. You’re back to square one, back to the six years previously, of being reactionary, obsessed, jealous, insecure! All that growth, gone! 

Was it growth though? Or were you just avoiding any chance of these insecurities coming out again to show its awful face, to show who you really are. You didn’t actively deal with those insecurities, you covered them up, by taking your clothes off, posing in front of the camera, showing the world you were fat and proud, shovelling copious amounts of food down your throat that you disguised as ‘intuitive eating’, being single was badass, because you know what they say “a woman don’t need no man, she independent” fuck you Beyonce. 

The more you type this down, you begin having revelations, oh, that’s possibly a panic attack coming. 

It wasn’t a panic attack, your panic attacks don’t work like that, yours just pop up when you’re doing nothing, not looking in the mirror, truly looking at yourself, who even are you anymore? You convince yourself you’re crazy now, your ex doesn’t want you back again, because of all this crazy! Not because they are dealing with something incredibly stressful that may have been caused by their own actions. Ah, get back on track, don’t resort to it Sarah, get back to the realising things about yourself. 

I look at the drawing on my wall, of a grim reaper, wearing a cloak covered in red hearts, and above is written ‘I LET LOVE IN’, was it my mistake that I read this and assumed “I let someone else come into my life with love” or should I have read it as, I let love in, for myself, from myself.

[hanmaitani]

❤️😳😖🎵✨

You can decide which selfship you talk about but I wanna know it all 💚

💟 pining stage ask game ! 💟

ohkay bear with me as this develops from my lil mind space. im doing it for my poly! osmau & kita ship. (i spun a wheel and rolled a dice and they both said this one heh)

under the cut cause i went off?

💗 was either of you flirty during the pining stage?

oh gosh. me and osamu all day every day. kita was too respectful and never tried to make a pass at me or anything. (i got so extremely shy over him about it too) but osamu and i worked together and it got to the point where other workers were like... is there a relationship coming soon? it caused both of us to go red and we didn't talk for the rest of the day.

😳 what moment flustered them the most?

for kita - there was one night where osamu offered to host a party at onigiri miya (celebrating something for atsumu) and everyone got dressed up for it. it was the first time kita had seen me out of my work uniform and in a dress. he swore his heart stopped when he saw me in it. he was caught by aran having wandering eyes with how the dress framed my curves.... had to excuse himself to the bathroom to splash water on his face and remind himself that staring wasn't respectful... and neither were his thoughts...

for osamu - my car broke down before work one day and i was supposed to work the opening shift with osamu. he offered to come pick me up so i didnt have to worry about transit. i was running late and he was running early, he got there and i was still disheveled, opened the door with my work shirt unbuttoned, low-cut undershirt visible, barefoot and hair still messy from sleep. i offered him to come inside and sit down as i apologized for my state. he had to decline and sit in his car until his boner went away.... spent the whole shift thinking about me looking like that in the back room of the shop...

😖 what moment flustered you the most?

the first time kita complimented me. he wasn't doing it in a flirting way, it was just... so nonchalant. just a casual, "you look beautiful with your hair like that" as he was bringing in the delivery. something so simple shouldn't have flustered me but the way he said it like a fact made my heart race and face flush. my brain couldn't work to find a proper response before he left i was still standing there in shock when a coworker came to lock the door he'd left through. (i was so embarrassed.)

when osamu finally let me off the register and was teaching me how to work in the back. it was the cliche teaching me how to make the onigiri. i was doing fine but he was trying to teach my hands to do it faster. but he stood across the counter from me, fingers poking at mine to adjust their position as his hands engulfed mine. he caught me staring at the size of his hands vs mine when i didn't answer a question he'd asked three times. he teased me about it the rest of the day, using minor things to discreetly compare the sizes of our hands. (i thought about quitting to save the embarrassment of going back the next day)

🎵 are there any songs that describe your pining stage?

oh gosh... im terrible at songs but.... baby by logic :)

✨ share something random from the pining stage!

um kita is the first of us to realize that there's any mutual feelings. lol he knows he has feelings for osamu, that's been ongoing for a while. and he can clearly see me and osamu flirting with each other. and he knows that he has feelings for me. me and osamu? oblivious lil shits.

[bitcoinprophets]

Something Refreshingly Pro-Jesus On Netflix! Jesus Is Calling … on Netflix’s ‘Beef’

Are you hurting and broken within? Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin? Jesus is calling…” I’ve sung these lyrics from “O Come to the Altar” countless times. I’ve heard the song at church, at conferences, in my car … but never did I expect to hear it on a hit Netflix show. It wasn’t just the song. The entire church scene from Beef felt pulled from my life. As the worship band sang, the camera panned through the room to reveal congregants with their eyes closed and hands raised, a sea of black hair swaying in a rhythm that I knew all too well. The sanctuary was well worn and outdated, the kind of space that could easily be converted into a multipurpose room. Mismatched chairs in rows served as pews, and the tilted commercial vertical blinds didn’t really block out the light. The doughnuts after the service were all too familiar. The only way it could’ve been better is if they had eaten rice, kimchi, and bean sprout or radish soup. In the Netflix dark comedy Beef—currently the most popular show on the platform—actor Steven Yeun costars as Danny Cho, a struggling contractor who gets involved in a road rage incident. He’s had a hard life, and in a rock-bottom moment, he walks into a church sanctuary. Danny feels out of place in a room that aesthetically is anything but conducive to worship, yet he gets immersed in the communal praise around him. He cries, and a pastor comes to pray over him. The worship hit especially close to home for me; not only did it remind me of nearly every Korean American immigrant church I attended growing up, but I also used to serve at the Los Angeles church whose band appears in the show. Hearing lyrics about God’s grace extended to us in our brokenness was so familiar that it felt exposing, nostalgic, and even embarrassing at the same time. The experience was so authentic, it almost felt contrived. For many who grew up in the Korean American church—or in Asian American Christian communities whose church experiences were shaped by Korean American Protestantism—the worship scenes from Beef were instantly recognizable and generated a visceral response. And the reactions proved to be a bit of a Rorschach test. For some, the scene evoked fond memories of growing up in the church in the 1970s, ’80s, ’90s, or 2000s. It brought to mind those powerful spiritual moments at church that marked their weeks, months, or even years. It brought them back to a time and space where they felt like they truly belonged—a place of shared culture and shared faith. Viewers who knew these kinds of churches may have longed for the communities they had growing up, imperfect but loving in their fellowship. One Korean American pastor friend shared that it reminded him of the moment he said yes to Jesus in college, even though he grew up as a pastor’s kid. Others saw Danny’s tearful visit to the church more negatively. They remembered the ways they were manipulated by church leaders, disillusioned by a performative spirituality, and hurt by the people they were told to trust. The church sanctuary in Beef took them back to spaces where they were ostracized, exploited, and even abused—toxic and traumatizing places that they have worked hard to escape. One reason the worship scenes felt real to us and could immediately trigger our memories may be that the worship was real. That’s what Citizens LA pastor Jason Min, whose praise band played for the church scenes, shared with me. By Min’s account, they were actually leading worship before the cameras, not performing or pretending to do so. Many of the extras in the congregation came from Citizens LA church, and they worshiped like they do each Sunday morning. I know because they were my worship band when I lived in LA. Their worship in Beef resonated before it even aired. The show has an all-Asian cast, and many of those who were working on the set or in the background commented that the worship set scenes impacted them. Min told me that people at the filming commented on the peace they felt or said that singing the lyrics to “O Come to the Altar” a hundred times did something to them. They shared that they didn’t know whether it meant they would go to church or go back to church but that they would be sitting with what they experienced for some time. Article is finished at its source Read the full article

[cosmiclove-heavenstruck]

Dance Lessons | Harry James Potter

Pairing: Harry Potter x fem!Gryffindor!Reader

Wordcount: 12200 words (Yes, really. Do you ever just start to write a little oneshot and then it turns out as a fic with over 10000 words?)

Warnings: swearing, mentions of underage drinking, sexual tension but no smut, fluff, slight angst, slow burn i guess

Summary: Harry asks you to teach him how to dance for the upcoming Spring Ball.

a/n: Set in Harry’s sixth year. English is not my native language, so there might be spelling/grammar mistakes. (The beginning is inspired by this oneshot)

Not many could say that they had faced Voldemort more than once and had survived, but Harry Potter was one of the few lucky ones that had gotten away every time. And if that wasn’t enough, Harry had defeated horrifying creatures, had broken into the Ministry and had saved the wizarding world several times – more or less accidentally, but hey. He had dealt with Umbridge and fought Death Eaters.

To the world, he was a hero, he was the Boy Who Lived.

So yes, his record of fighting the evil was quite impressive for a sixteen-year-old. But there was one thing he knew he would never impress anyone with and that were his dance skills.

Because Harry Potter couldn’t dance for shit.

Everyone who had watched his poor attempt at a waltz at the Yule Ball knew it had been an embarrassing disaster, and a blessing when he had stopped – merely for Parvati Patil’s feet.

Everyone who had watched knew that Harry Potter had never before set foot on a dancefloor. And you had watched. You had watched with great interest because secretly, you had wished for him to ask you to the ball. But when there had been only two weeks left and Dean Thomas had asked you after Transfiguration class, you had said yes.

There you were, sitting with Dean beside Seamus and Lavender as well as Ron and his date Padma, your eyes glued to the raven-haired boy getting terribly out of step. You watched, of course, under the pretence that you found it disgracefully hilarious.

Harry had never thought about asking you to the Yule Ball, if he was quite honest with himself. He had been after Cho, and he waited way too long to ask her, so she was already going with Cedric. And you had a date with Dean.

As good as Harry was with fighting the dark and the evil, as bad was he with social interactions. He had no problem producing a Patronus, but he was absolutely useless when it came to talking to girls.

You were the opposite.

Yes, the boggart may had made you faint in front of your whole class, but on the other hand, talking seemed like the easiest task in the world. Whether it was a chat with a teacher or speaking to strangers, though you did not thrive off of that.

There was one other thing that made you stand out to the other girls (and boys) in your year: You knew how to dance, from a simple disco fox to a more complicated waltz.

So, when Professor Slughorn announced a Spring ball for the students in sixth and seventh year, Harry knew you were his only chance if he did not want to make a fool out of himself again. He asked you (after a whole week of practicing in front of the mirror), with heated cheeks and a fast-beating heart, if you could teach him how to dance.

You felt a bit taken by surprise by this request, but agreed, nonetheless.

Friday evenings, eight to nine o’clock, were now reserved for your weekly dance lessons.

Looking at Harry’s history, it should be no big deal to dance with a girl when you had already come across the most dangerous things existing in the wizarding world. He should not be nervous; what was the girl teaching you how to dance against gigantic spiders who saw you as their dessert?

Well, everything.             

The thing was, Harry could prepare spells and charms, he knew what he had to do when he was faced with a Dementor or a Boggart. His mind, however, went completely blank when it came to you, like his nerves were on fire. To say he was nervous was an underestimation.

Harry ran his hand through the mess of black locks in a rather useless attempt to flatten them. They jumped back up immediately as he let go, pointing in every direction but the one he wanted them to. Stupid genes.

Sometimes he wished he had inherited his mother’s hair. It would have been fun to be mistaken as a Weasley and he could pretend he and Ron were actually brothers.

To keep his hands busy, Harry smoothened the plaid shirt he had thrown on before darting another glance at the clock over the door of the abandoned classroom on the fifth floor. 8:01 o’clock.

His fingers drummed against the wooden desk he was leaning on to release his excited tension, which only worked until the door opened, and he jumped up into a straight position.

You stepped inside, a vinyl clammed under your arm and an apologizing smile on your lips.

“Sorry I’m late, Snape held me off,” You said, placing your bag on the table Harry had leaned on previously.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. Uh, are you alright?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah. I mean Snape just almost failed my assignment, but I found a new song to dance to, and I’m pretty sure you’ll like it,” You said as you rushed over to the old vinyl player in the corner and unwrapped the black record.

Harry followed your every movement. You could feel his eyes on you and bit down on your lip to stop yourself from smiling.

“It’s a bit slower than the other one, so it will be easier for you to follow,” You added and pulled the vinyl out, stroking a streak of Y/H/C hair behind your ear, your back still facing him.

When the record was placed correctly into the player, you turned back around and led Harry by the hand to the middle of the classroom. This simple touch alone made Harry’s head spin, and it did not help when you placed his hand onto your waist.

“Are you ready?” You asked and he nodded. “Good, follow my lead.”

There was nothing but admirable beauty, the way you moved to the soft piano music filling the room, Harry thought, and he hated himself for not realising sooner. You were like a sunset, and he was afraid to look right at you because what if you saw all the feelings swelling in his heart that dared to overspill at any moment.

You had been right, he adored the music you had brought with you, but he adored you even more.

You thought he looked at his feet because he was afraid to mess up the steps.     

“Hey,” You said softly, taking the hand from his shoulder to lift his chin. “Eyes up.”

“Yes. Right. Sorry.”

A sheepish smile spread over his face and your heart beat hectically against your rip cage as his emerald green eyes met yours.

It took Harry a great deal of strength to not break out of the dance routine he had so intensely studied and kiss you. But your hand slipped away from under his chin back to his shoulder and the moment was lost, like so many others.

Staying professional was not so simple for you either, as much as you liked to deny it. You liked Harry, more than friends should like each other, but who could blame you? Harry was very handsome, with his messy hair and those green eyes, he was sweet and caring, and he was dancing with you in an abandoned classroom, his hand on your waist.

Looking at it from this angle, there seemed to be no reason as to why you were so careful to deny your feelings.

Well, there was one problem: You thought he wanted to ask Cho to the ball to make up for the Yule Ball.

Harry was pretty oblivious when it came to love. Neither had he thought about you as more than friends before sixth year, nor had he realised that the feelings he had felt for Cho two years ago were similar to the ones he had for you now, though they were much more intense.

The worst part was that you two had been friends for three year and since then, you had spent a week of every summer holiday at the Burrow. Harry knew you; he knew that you liked his crappy jokes and his sarcastic comments, but never before had his stomach tingled when you laughed at them. Never before had there been goose bumps all over his skin when you hugged him. And to hell, never before had he acknowledged how goddamn beautiful you were.

“You’re getting really good.” You ripped him out of his thoughts.

“Oh. Really?” He asked.

It would be brilliant if he could dance without thinking about it all the time, fearing he could step on your feet.

“Yes, really,” You replied, grinning.

“Well, I- I suppose I have a good teacher.”

The piano music faded out and you stopped in the middle of the room, slipping your hand out of his. It was a good excuse to turn around and start the vinyl again, so you did not have to answer anything.

Harry stood there for a second, gulping and scratching his neck. He should not have said that.

What he had said flattered you, but it was only a knife dressed like compliment, stroking over your heart to stab you right after. All of this was amicable, temporary, fickle. All of this was for Cho.

You sat the needle back on the record.

“What’s it called? The song, I mean,” Harry asked quietly.

“‘Il Reste du Temps’. The rest of time.” You walked back up to him and took his hand, leading you two into the dance. With his hand on your lower back, he pulled you a bit closer than last time.

“So, there are only two weeks left. You have asked Cho by now, I suppose?” You asked to remind your thoughts of reality.

Harry narrowed his eyebrows, not sure how you had come to the conclusion he still liked Cho. She was great, for sure, but she wasn’t you.

“Oh. Uh, not really, no,” He answered. Your heart jumped.

“Well, you should hurry up. You don’t wanna wait until last minute like last time.”

“I- yeah, I mean, I don’t- I don’t want to go with Cho.”

You stepped forward even though you were supposed to draw back and stomp on his left foot. His hand around yours clenched for a second at the sudden pain.

“Shit. Sorry.” You quickly brought you two back into the right footstep order. “You’re not asking Cho?”

“No. I wanna- No.” Harry stopped himself from talking any further. He couldn’t ask you. He just couldn’t.

“Well, who do you wanna ask?” You said.

Maybe it was Ginny. She was gorgeous, phenomenal at Quidditch and in the Slugclub. Nothing you could say about yourself.

Harry opened his mouth and stammered. “It’s, uh, you know…some…girl.”

Oh yes, great save, Harry, congratulations, He thought to himself, couldn’t be any vaguer, could you? For Merlin’s sake, look at her, she is completely confused.

You were pretty even when you were confused, with your eyebrows drawn together over your eyes curiously inspecting him – Stop.

“Ah, okay. The lucky girl’s a secret,” You said, laughing lightly. It was definitely Ginny.

“No, I mean, she’s –” 

“It’s not my concern who you’ll ask, Harry,” You interrupted to calm him down. “As long as you ask her.”

Harry didn’t know what to reply to that. You really saw them just as friends.

The two of you danced for a while and Harry tried to memorise every golden speck in your dark eyes, every freckle, every curve, just so he could imagine you instead of the person he would dance with in a fortnight. If he would even go. Because what point was there to go to a ball if the one person he wanted to dance with more than anything else would not be there with him?

You tried to enjoy the closeness while it lasted. But the voices crowding your mind all shouted that he would never see you the way you saw him. That his face would never be so close ever again. That his hands would never rest on your body the way they did now, and never with any other intention than for the sake of learning how to dance, learning how to impress Ginny or whoever he would ask.

“Have you – have you asked anyone yet? To go to the ball with you?” Harry disrupted your thoughts and pulled you back into reality.

“No. I don’t even know if I’ll go,” You said and Harry’s heart dropped. “I mean, I’ll come to watch you dance, that’s for sure.”

Now his heart was way up in his throat, beating like hell. He swallowed and forced himself to answer. “No pressure then.”

You grinned at his comment. “Oh please, you can dance better than most of sixth and seventh year combined by now. You remember the spin I showed you last time?”

Harry nodded. He lifted his left arm and put a little pressure on your waist. You performed a small twirl before he caught you again, hand on your side. He smiled proudly.

“Really good.” The music stopped and you looked at the clock on the wall behind Harry. 8:57 o’clock. “I guess that’s it for today.”

Harry smiled sadly but you thought it was just your mind, playing you a trick. You packed the record back into the cover while Harry shouldered his back bag, handing yours to you. Then he held the door open for you, and you stepped out into the dimly lit hallway.

Harry had already pulled out the Marauders Map to check if the way back to the Gryffindor tower was clear. You weren’t technically allowed out after nine p.m. because of the new safety measurements, but it was part of the charm.

“Filch’s down on the first floor and Snape’s in his office,” Harry informed you.

“Okay.” You nodded.

Quietly and side by side, you two walked back to the Gryffindor tower. There was plenty of silence to break, plenty of time to ask you to the ball, Harry thought. But he was too afraid.

–

“It’s not that easy, alright?”

“Bloody hell, you spent every Friday evening with her! Half of our year thinks you’re secretly doing it in that classroom.”

For that, Ron earned a jab into his ribs. The two made their way through the masses of students down the last staircase to the Great Hall.

“Ow! It’s not my fault, you can’t open your mouth.”

“Oh, I can’t open my mouth? Have you asked Hermione yet?”

Harry was sure this would shut Ron up, but he was wrong.

“I asked her six weeks ago and she said yes, mate.”

Harry stopped in his tracks, stunned. “Wot?”

“Merlin, do you ever listen to me?”

Ron shook his head, walking to breakfast. Harry needed a few seconds before he could move again, then he caught up with his best friend. He was about to say something back when Ron’s sister Ginny interrupted them, wrapping her arms around both of Harry and Ron’s shoulders.

“Morning boys,” She greeted them enthusiastically.

The ceiling of the Great Hall was covered in a pale blue and yellow, the upcoming sun shining golden through the high windows.

“So.” Hermione poured both of you a glass of pumpkin juice. “How was it yesterday?”

“Mhm?” You looked up from your toast.

She sighed as if her question was rather obvious. “The dance lesson with Harry?”

“Oh.” You shrugged. “Normal.”

“So, nothing happened? Nothing you want to tell me?” She asked further.

You eyed her suspiciously, but she kept an innocent face expression.

“It’s not like we could do much besides dancing.”

Lavender beside you snickered and Parvati snorted into her coffee.

“Believe me, there is a lot you could do in that hour besides dancing,” Parvati said.

“God, no! Have you met Harry?” Lavender said bemusedly. “Like he's the type to have secret sex.”

“Still waters run deep,” Parvati replied, a smug grin on her lips. “Don't they, Y/N?”

Hermione crunched her nose at the suggestive tone as you narrowed your eyes at the two girls, shaking your head.

“Yes, keep making fun of my non-existing love life.”

You grabbed the strawberry marmalade, determined to ignore any topic concerning Harry. While you had lain awake last night, you had decided to bury your feelings for him all together and get over it. This would be easier once your dance lessons came to an end and the ball was done.

“Well, it does exist for everyone else,” Lavender interposed.

“And it would exist for you, too, if you would finally do something,” Hermione said, leaning forward.

“What?” You asked. “I mean, yeah, I like him, but he is definitely not into me like that. And I can't force him to be.”

Hermione groaned, and Parvati rummaged through her bag, pulling out a piece of parchment and making some space on the table.

“Okay, let’s see,” She began, “He asked you to teach him to dance. Big step for him, you know that. He always stares at you during Quidditch instead of the Snitch. Wood would've killed him by now. He always sits beside you. He definitely smelled you in Amortentia, regarding how he looked at you during that class. And since then, he looks at you like you’re the only person in the room. He –”

“He does not,” You said, grabbing her wrist to stop her from writing any further.

“Yeah, he does,” Lavender argued. “Look!”

You turned to spot Harry alongside Ron and his sister Ginny coming through the doorway, and for one second, your eyes met. Then Ginny said something, and Harry looked at her, laughing.

You sighed and stuffed the rest of your toast down your throat to get rid of the sour feeling twirling and burning in your stomach.

“Well, Ginny’s pretty funny,” Hermione tried.

“Yeah, she’s funny and pretty and she likes everything he likes.”

“None of that matters because he fell in love with you and not Ginny,” Lavender said, smiling brightly.

“He did not – not what you said.”

“He did! The list doesn’t lie.”

Parvati waved the parchment through the air, and you snatched it out of her hand, drowning it in the pumpkin juice before anyone could read it. Hermione curled her lip as she watched the paper soaking up the orange liquid, sinking to the ground of the jug.

In the same moment, Harry, Ron and Ginny reached your table, and to your surprise, Harry really did sit down beside you, your knees touching shortly while he climbed over the bench. The sudden touch sent sparks through your body and filled you with a comfortable warm which was quickly extinguished by Ginny sitting down next to Harry.

You didn’t want to be jealous.

There was no need to compare yourself to Ginny, you were two completely different people. But hearing her talk about Quidditch to the guys and seeing her flicking her beautiful hair over her slim shoulder made it so obvious how perfect for Harry she was. You couldn’t compete with that, in fact, you didn’t even want to compete with that.

No, you would get over your feelings and maybe ask someone else to spend the next Hogsmeade weekend with you. Those evenings with Harry, those moments too good to be true would stay somewhere deep down in your heart, locked away from the real world.

The weekend left as fast as it had come, and soon enough Harry and you both found yourselves in your day-to-day school life, studying for an upcoming Charms test and writing essays for Snape and McGonagall.

There wasn’t much time to think about each other, yet Harry managed to glance up from his homework a few times to stare at you opposite from him, snuggled into an armchair while flicking through a book. He noticed that you captured your tongue between your lips or mouthed single words to yourself whenever you were so deeply sunken into thoughts that you forgot the many people around you.

The latter found Harry very impressive because he was never that relaxed if more than three people were with him. Your lips on the other hand found Harry... well, much more interesting than his homework was the least to say.

Every day he woke up thinking that today, he would ask you. But whenever he came close to ask, he changed the topic or was distracted by friends and classmates.

Even Ron had given up with his jokes by now, which was a very bad sign and a nonverbal way to say, Man, you fucked up.

–

You had decided to make the last of your dance lessons a memorable one. An hour of pretending, of being close to someone you know you would never be this close to ever again.

Therefore, you had asked your older sister to send some of your favourite records from home, which you were now sorting through in the abandoned classroom. It was ten minutes to eight and you were sipping a butterbeer to cool your nerves. All those times before you had been as calm as ever, but today you were on the edge.

The door opened and you turned to find Harry in the doorway, hair messy as ever.

“Hi,” He said and the corners of his lips jumped up into a lopsided smile.

“Hey. You’re early.”

“Could say the same about you.”

“Yeah, you could,” You mumbled, pushing the needle of the record player down onto the vinyl.

Classic music filled the air and you walked over to Harry to lead him to the middle of the room after he had dropped his back bag to the floor. With the high heels on your feet, you were almost eye to eye, your nose at the height of his lips.

For a wonder, he did not need your instruction to place his hand on your waist and pulled you much closer than usual.

Harry felt his heart beating in his throat. Being this close to you was galvanic, every nerve was burning, and then again, for the first time in two months, he was able to close his eyes and let himself sink in, to melt with the music, to feel the tact pulsating through his whole body. It was what you had tried to teach him all along.

And yet his tongue was tied. He just had to ask. Would you like to go to the ball with me? One simple question. You had told him yourself to not wait until last-minute to ask, and now with every minute, every hour, every day passing it felt more ridiculous. He had known that he wanted to ask you and only you to the ball, but every time he thought about forming the question, his mouth failed him.

Your eyes lay calmly on him, tapping his shoulder in time to the music while secretly trying to remember every little detail of his face: His prominent eyebrows curved over his emerald green eyes, his flushed cheeks and the dimples created by his light smile lying on his lips.

Harry had become, for lack of a better word, quite fantastic at slow dancing. There was confidence in the way he moved through the room and held onto you, mingled with a certain elegance and appreciation of the art he was participating in. A good teacher, he had called you. Well, regarding slow dances, yes.

But there was one other thing he had yet to learn.

“You’re really good, you know that?” You said, and his smile brightened.

“Yeah? Or are you just saying that because it’s my last lesson?” He asked.

“No, I mean it. You know, I wrote my sister last week and she send some of my vinyl discs from home,” You told him as the music slowly faded out and let your hand slip from his shoulder and hand to turn to the record player, not noticing how his fingers lingered a moment longer on your waist.

Harry watched how you sorted through the discs, not able to make use of their names in any way. The only record he had come across before those dance lessons had been one by a singer named Bonnie Tyler, who Aunt Petunia secretly listened to on repeat during the summer when Uncle Vernon went grocery shopping or mowed the lawn.

Harry wasn’t a big fan, which was pretty much the only thing he had in common with his cousin Dudley.

“Here. To dancing and a nice Spring ball.” Harry snapped out of his thoughts. You held out a bottle of butterbeer, which he took and snapped its bottle top off, regarding for a moment to say something along the lines like To you, for teaching me how to dance or To us, but that seemed a bit too much.

Therefore, he went with a simple “Cheers” and touched glasses with you.

While he took a big sip in hopes it would make him braver, you decided on a turquoise and pink coloured disc with a man dancing on the front, the words Footloose in ornate writing covering its front. He couldn’t help but notice the grin you tried to hide, as if knowing something he didn’t.

“What’s that?” He asked, leaning against the table beside you and putting his beer aside.

“That’s what the cool kids dance to.”

You placed the needle onto the record. Drums began to play a fast rhythm, mixed with an electric guitar, and you slipped off your high heels, now only in tights. Harry watched with fearful curiosity how you snapped your fingers in time, bopping your head with closed eyes to internalise the music.

Every movement of your feet, your hips, your shoulders was nonchalant, effortless and... well, simply cool.

“Come on!” You said loudly over the music, waving Harry closer.

“No, no, that’s –” He shook his head, heat flushing his cheeks, and crossed his arms.

“Yes!”

You danced up to him, grabbing him by his hands and pulling him to the middle of the room.

Harry had improvised a lot when it came to fighting evil. His whole trip to the ministry had been decided because of his gut instinct, because he had thought he knew what he was doing. Well, that was probably a bar example. He had made everything worse back then.

But everything he had done to fight off the hundreds of Dementors at the Great Lake, or the creatures in the maze two years ago, or Voldemort at the graveyard, every single thing had been purely and spontaneously improvised.

Now, he wasn’t sure if he was that good at improvising dance moves, but you had other plans.

“Come on, don’t you trust me?” You said as his fingers clenched around your hands, unable to let go, like a man clinging onto a life buoy in the middle of the ocean.

And Harry wanted to say back that of course he trusted you, more than he probably knew himself, but all that came out was a “Yeah” which sounded more like a laugh than an actual word because of the grin stretched across his lips.

“Just dance the way you dance when no one’s watching,” You said.

“I don’t – I don’t do that,” He admitted, feeling how his cheeks burned under the unbelieving look coming from you.

“Okay, then close your eyes and just – just do it. Here, I’ll do it, too!”

You closed your eyes, smiling brightly, and slipped your fingers out of his, twirling on the spot like you usually only did behind closed doors, and clapping your hands in time with the music.

Harry couldn’t rip his gaze off of you, the way your body moved without any shame, your ridiculous head banging while acting like you play the guitar – air guitar, that’s what it was called, he had seen Dudley and his friends doing it, but never with so much... passion?

You were quite passionate about dancing, much more passionate than you were about school or Quidditch, and it fascinated him. How you could let loose, could forget what everyone thought of you, and he wanted to feel it too, wanted to not think that everyone was judging him.

So, Harry closed his eyes, concentrated on the beat of the music and your hands clapping, and then he did what you had been doing: Moving his arms, his legs, his feet, all a bit offbeat, all much less cool than what you did, but it had the effect he had wished for.

He forgot. Forgot about everything going on, everything in the past, everything that would come. It was like the music had deleted Voldemort from his mind. There was only his body and those absurdly freeing dance moves he would have been ashamed off any other time.

But not with you.

“Hey, you’re doing it! You’re doing it, look at you!” You shouted over the music, and Harry ripped his eyes open in the same moment as you grab his hands again. He slowed his legs.

“You said you wouldn’t look,” He said breathlessly, very aware of his fast-beating heart.

But if he was honest, he did not mind that you had seen him. If he could choose any of his friends to watch him dance like this, it would definitely be you.

“I had to, I’m sorry!” You laughed, and the song came to an end. “Oh, I have something even better, you’ll like that!”

You hit him friendly in the chest and rushed over to your pile of vinyl discs, wrapping the Footloose back up and pulling out another one from a white and pink packaging with two people on the front.

Harry would’ve never believed that dance lessons would be more exhausting than Quidditch training, but he had soon been disabused. He took a huge sip from his bottle of butterbeer and watched how you placed the needle on the disc before reaching for your own bottle.

“‘You broke my heart – ‘cause I couldn't dance – you didn’t even want me around!’” You were mouthing along the words the singer was speaking in an overdramatic seriousness, holding your bottle like a microphone. Harry was grinning at you, afraid of what would come next. “‘And now I'm back – to let you know – I can really shake 'em down!’”

The music dropped in, and you shook your hips, hands on your black skirt.

“Now don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Dirty Dancing,” You dared as Harry stayed at his spot, and he shrugged helplessly.

You shook your head at him with a smile on your lips, placed your bottle away and pulled him away from the table until you two were almost as close as in your usual dance lessons.

“Okay, like this.” You grabbed him gently by the waist and pushed him a bit down so his legs were slightly bent. Harry’s heart jumped at the unexpected touch. “Good, yeah, look at what I’m doing.”

Your grip became firmer, circularly moving his hips like you did. His eyes jumped up between your face and your waist, and he tried his best to copy your movements while calming his heart speed down.

“Yes, good! Now, your upper body, look at me – yeah! Good, eyes up,” You reminded him, and he glanced at your face, his cheeks flushed.

“Is that okay?” You asked, stepping closer so your hips almost touch, and he nodded. You took his hand, placed it on your lower back, and wrapped your own arms around his neck, just like Johnny and Baby had done it in the beginning of Dirty Dancing.

“That’s good!” You encouraged him, and he grinned at you, his face bright red. “You know, in the movie, they have another dance with a lift.”

“You’re not gonna make me do that, are you?” He asked.

You shook your head, laughing. “No, definitely not without training and a mattress,” You said, slowing your hip movements. “Maybe after the ball. I mean –”

The words had just slipped out of your mouth without thinking about them before. But Harry smiled, brushing a strand of hair out of his forehead, while I’ve Had The Time Of My Life began to play, and Bill Medley’s voice filled the room.

Harry felt like he was on fire. If you wanted to continue the dance lessons next year it must be because you liked him. In some way, you liked him, and it was very hard for him to concentrate during this dance. And training on a mattress would not make that easier – Stop it, stop it, just answer!

“Yeah, okay,” He said, and your heart jumped up in excitement. You smiled back at him and grabbed his free hand with yours, leading you back into a simple dance routine fitting the music. Harry followed almost effortlessly, only shortly glancing at his feet.

“I’ll have to demand payment if we keep doing this.”

“What kind of payment?”

His hand on your lower back pushed you a bit closer, you were almost chest to chest. Was he... flirting with you?

Whatever it was, it made you speechless, and in a moment of incautiousness, your eyes fell down to his lips. You held your breath for a second as you looked back up into his eyes, slowing your movements. He returned your gaze, but just as you were about to gather all your courage, his eyes shifted to the door of the classroom, his eyebrows drawn together in concentration.

“What?” You asked, turning around.

“Filch,” He said and not far down the hall, you heard the meowing of Mrs. Norris.

Panic flared up inside of you as you saw the clock on the wall: Half past nine.

“Argh, fuck.”

You let go off him and rushed over to the table with the record play on top, shoving your vinyl discs into your schoolbag and collecting your high heels in a hurry.

Outside in the hallway, the scratchy voice of Filch mixed with the clicking of his cat’s claws on the stone tiles. Harry had grabbed his bag from the floor and fished out his Invisibility Cloak. As you turned around, he had reached you and enveloped you two in the cloak, standing almost as close to you as a few seconds ago.

“Have you found someone, Mrs. Norris?” Filch’s voice echoed through the hallway. “Is someone out of bed at night?”

“We have to get out,” You whispered, not very keen on getting detention any time soon.

“If we open the door now, he’ll know someone disguised is there,” Harry answered.

“How often have you snuck out of bed at night?”

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a lopsided smile.

“Enough times to know what to do.”

The scratching on the classroom door reminded Harry that, despite the fact that they were invisible, it was still pretty obvious that someone had been in here. Harry flicked his wand at the ceiling light right in time – the candles went out and the two of you were coated in darkness just before Filch pushed the door open and the light from his lantern fell onto the stone floor. You held your breath, hoping he would leave again.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Norris’ red eyes scanned the room and the greyish cat walked up to you as if she could actually see you. Instinctively, you wanted to move backwards, but Harry’s arm wrapped around you, holding you in place. You looked up to him and he slowly shook his head.

Mrs. Norris eyed you for a few more seconds before she suddenly jumped onto the table behind you, walking up to the two almost emptied butterbeer bottles and bumping her head against them.

“Oh no.” Your voice was no more than a whisper. “I didn’t –”

Harry placed his hand over your mouth, forcing you to keep quiet.

“Sorry,” You mumbled.

Filch had turned away from the other side of the room he had inspected and was now walking over to his cat. With his arm around your mid, Harry pulled you two quietly away from the table he was now inspecting. You weren’t entirely sure whether it was the panic of escaping Filch or Harry’s chest pressed against your back, but the butterflies in your stomach were jittery as though they were on drugs, and your heart beat unbelievably fast.

Harry felt your heartbeat. He felt the pulsating blood in your veins on your neck where his arm lay, reaching up to your mouth. You were barely breathing, and he figured it was because he was holding you like he was about to kidnap you.

“Run when we’re in the hallway,” He whispered, eyes steadily watching Filch, and removed his hand from your lips to grab your free hand. You nodded shortly. Fortunately, Filch had left the door open, and in one swift motion, Harry had steered you outside.

Fingers still interlocked with yours, he began to run, you by his side. And despite the fact that you two had almost been caught, despite that you had been interrupted when he had felt most confident, despite the ruined moment, he felt light and free and happy.

You were clutching your shoes, slithering over the cold tiles in your black tights, and Harry, looking at you, almost missed the last step of the stairs leading to the portrait of the Fat Lady. He held onto you as he staggered, and you giggled breathlessly, pulling him back up.

“That – stupid – fucking – cat. Can she see through your cloak?” You asked.

Harry shrugged and ruffled through his messy hair.

“Don’t know. I think, but I’m glad she can’t talk,” He said, and a grin spread over your lips, which he returned.

He caught your eyes, looking at you like before, like there was something he needed to say – the tingling feeling in your core got overwhelmed by heart-racing panic and because of some sour mix of uncertainty and fear, you slipped out from under the Invisibility Cloak, taking a few steps away from Harry.

Not a second later, he emerged as well, fighting to keep the smile on his face like his heart hadn't just sunk so deep he wasn't sure if it was even still connected to his veins.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah!” Your voice was too loud, too squeaky to convince him. “Yeah, I – I'm sorry, it's just been a long week and I'm really tired. I'm gonna – gonna go...”

You gestured to the portrait behind you, avoiding his eyes, and turned to escape the situation.

Harry stared at the spot where you had vanished into the common room, his fingers clenching around the fabric of his cloak before tossing it to the ground. It didn't give the satisfying sound he had wanted to make, so he sent a “Fuck!” after it.

“Young boy, that is not a very appropriate language, now, is it?”

His eyes flew up to the Fat Lady, who had apparently watched with great interest. “Besides, what are you doing that late out of bed? I mean I know it gets later on Fridays for the two of you but it's later than usual today –”

“Chinese Fireball.”

“I just don't know what you are doing during that hour. There are rumours, for sure –”

“I told you the password, now will you open the fucking portrait? Chinese Fireball.”

“Oh, fine.” She let the portrait swing forward. “I'll find out by myself... maybe visit some paintings down on fifth floor...”

Harry ignored the Fat Lady.

He also ignored Ron calling after him from the sofa in front of the fireplace, as well as Hermione's questioning look and all the other people staring at him as he darted through the common room and up the stairs, slamming the door of his dorm shut behind him.

He ignored them because the only person he wanted to be seen with had just left him standing in the hallway and he wasn't even sure why.

The first time you saw each other again was three days later in Potions. You had ignored him on purpose, which you knew was obvious to him: Leaving the Great Hall whenever he stepped inside, sitting as far from him in the common room as possible, avoiding his eyes... that did not leave that much room for speculations.

You didn't want to hurt him, you really didn't, but you couldn't be friends any longer, especially not after last Friday. You weren't even sure what exactly had happened – had he really flirted with you or had that been your imagination? Probably the latter. He had asked someone else the ball after all. Right?

Parvati nudged you with her elbow, and you snapped out of your thoughts, noticing the hole in your parchment created by your quill. The two of you sat in the far back of Professor Slughorn’s class, who was in the middle of telling one of his anecdotes instead of teaching about Veritaserum.

“What’s going on?” She asked in a hushed voice. “You’ve been weird since Friday.”

Lavender, who sat in front of you, turned around. “Is it because of – you know?”

She gestured towards Harry in his usual place diagonally across from you. You sighed, placed your quill aside to rub your hands over your face and shrugged. You had also avoided any questions from your friends about Friday, mostly because you could not even answer them yourself.

“I thought he would ask you,” Lavender whispered while throwing a quick glance at Slughorn to make sure he was still occupied with his story. “Didn’t he?”

“No,” You mouthed. Parvati shook her head.

“Man, you’d think he had grown a set of balls after all. If it turns out he just used you to look good in front of Ginny, I swear to Merlin –”

“Well, that’s what it looks like, I mean, he had enough time to ask you,” Lavender said.

Before you could reply anything, Parvati had grabbed her wand and leaned forward. In the next second, the blue Jobberknoll feathers on Harry’s desk burst into flames with an ear-piercing noise.

Both Harry and Ron jumped up, startled from the sudden explosion, and Hermione let out a little shriek as one of the sparks got caught up in her locks. Snickering came from the Slytherin table, and Crabbe and Goyle were stupidly grinning.

“Was that you? Stupid tosspot, I’ll shove that feather up your –,” Ron swore loudly, fists high and ready to walk over to the Slytherins, who had gotten up as well and were throwing insults through the room.

“Calm down, m’boys, no need to get abusive.”

Slughorn stepped between the two fronts while both Harry and Hermione pulled Ron back down onto his chair. With a wave of Slughorn’s wand, the feathers stopped burning and were as good as new.

“Have you gone mental?” You asked during the turmoil. Parvati shrugged and innocently shoved her wand aside.

“You’re my friend and if he hurt you, he’ll get what he deserves –”

“He didn’t hurt me!” You whispered angrily. “I was the one who panicked, I ran away that evening because I was afraid of what he would say! Not Harry. I left him like the idiot I am even though he – he was super nice and said he wanted to learn more –”

“Ms. Y/L/N?”

“Sorry, Professor, I was just –”

“Talking to Ms. Patil, I noticed. Could you still answer my question?” Slughorn eyed you, and so were all the other students.

“Uh...yes... if you could repeat it? Sir.” You said, and once again snickering echoed through the classroom, the loudest coming from Pansy Parkinson.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Parvati reaching for her wand again, and you quickly pressed her hand down to the table, awkwardly smiling at Slughorn.

“I asked if you could tell me anything about the usage of Veritaserum in court,” He kindly repeated and you straightened your back, ignoring Hermione’s raised hand.

“Well, the potion is strictly banned by the British Ministry of Magic, therefore they don’t use it during interrogations and such, which is also because, like any other potion, it’s not infallible. But I read that in some Asian countries, the accused can choose if they want to take Veritaserum before they give testimony. Unfortunately, in some courts they give the accused failed Veritaserum in order to alter the given testimony fraudulently.”

You had never read about that, you were – ironically – making it up, but Slughorn didn’t seem to notice.

“Very well, that’ll be five points for Gryffindor,” He said. “That reminds me of –”

As Slughorn fell back into his old habit of telling personal stories during class, you sank back into your chair and stared at the chapped top of the desk for the rest of the lesson.

Only the bell ripped Slughorn out of his monologue, and over the rustling of chairs, he told the class to read the next chapter of Advanced Potion Making until Wednesday.

“Courtyard?” You asked Parvati as to where to spend your free lesson.

“Yeah, but I got a question about that graded essay from last week. Just go ahead, I’ll catch up with you,” She answered and made her way to the front. Alongside with Lavender, you were one of the first to leave the Potions classroom.

“I wish I hadn’t picked Arithmancy,” Lavender complained.

“You can sleep longer on Thursdays, remember?” You said as you reached the entrance hall. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, bye.”

Lavender began to climb up the stairs to the third floor, and you walked down the hallway. It was freezing cold outside, but the courtyard was beautiful during every time of the year, especially in the early mornings when the sun melted the iced-up grass and you could share a hot chocolate with your friends on one of the benches.

“Hey, Y/N! Wait!”

You turned to spot none other than Theodore Nott running up to you, his Slytherin scarf loosely around his neck.

“Hi,” He said as he had reached you.

“Uh, hi. Can I help you?” You asked.

“Actually, yeah. I wanted to ask if you have a dance to spare at the Spring ball? I mean, I know you’re going with Potter, I just wanted one dance with someone professional –”

“I’m not going with Harry,” You blurted out. Theodore narrowed his eyebrows.

“What?” He asked, a bemused smile on his lips.

You gulped and shook your head, crossing your arms. “I’m not going with... anyone.”

“Oh. Well, then,” His body relaxed visibly, and he raised his eyebrows, “do you wanna go with me?”

You opened your mouth, an agreement already on the tip of your tongue, but you knew that was just out of desperation and not because you actually wanted to go to the ball with Theodore.

“Hey, you know what, no pressure at all, okay?” He said, placing his hand on your shoulder casually. “I’ll be at the ball anyway, so if you want to dance then, I’m free.”

You nodded. “Thank you, Theodore. I’ll think about it.”

“You can call me Theo. Only if you want to, obviously.”

A grin crept upon your face. “Yeah, I’ll – I’ll think about it.”

Whatever Harry had felt the two days prior, it was nothing compared to the sour feeling circulating in his stomach now, like some dragon-creature spitting fire and tearing at his entrails with sharp claws. Inside of him, everything was clenching and itching, but on the outside, he was numb.

Like his brain had been disconnected from his muscles, wherefore he was only able to stare at Theodore Nott and his stupid, complacent grin and his hand on your shoulder while he asked you to the ball.

This wasn’t fair. How come everyone else but him was able to do it, how come everybody else had managed to find a date, when – to be honest – he had been provided with one of the best initial situations? How come the only thing he was apparently fit for was getting himself into trouble and escaping death every goddamn year? Harry had kind of forgotten about all that was to come, all that Dumbledore had told him, and the memory Slughorn was still tending like dark secret simply because of you.

The worst thing wasn’t that Theodore Nott had just asked you to go to the Spring ball with him. No, the worst thing was that you had agreed.

The only thing that was left for him was to run, which he did now: Up to the Gryffindor tower, tossing his back bag into a corner and grabbing his Firebolt from under the bed, then back down to the Quidditch pitch in record time.

Flying was one of the most freeing activities known to Harry, especially in the cool, fresh morning air with no one else around. High above the frozen grass and the wooden stands, much higher than probably allowed without any teacher near by, Harry paused to watch the sun over the Forbidden Forest.

He wondered if you had ever flown before, if you knew how brilliant it was to hover a thousand feet above the ground, far away from all the problems. Far away from Ron asking what the bloody hell was wrong with him. Far away from Hermione telling him that it was his own fault for waiting so long but that you surely weren’t interested like that in that tosser Theodore (though she would probably word it much more formal).

Time was relative up here, Harry had noticed over the years, so he closed his eyes and shut the world out for a moment. Saturday was still light-years away anyway, so –

“Harry, is that you?”

He almost fell from his broom.

With his heart still beating way to fast and adrenalin pumping though his veins, he turned his broom around to find no one other that Luna standing inside commentary box and waving up to him. Oh well. So much for being alone.

He steered his Firebolt down to the blonde witch and landed beside her.

“What are you doing her, Luna?” He asked as climbed from his broomstick. “Don’t you have classes right now?”

“Oh, yes. But I saw that you are sad so I asked Professor Sprout if I could go because I’m not feeling very well,” She explained and sat down on one of the benches.

“You lied to a professor?”

“Oh, no,” She said, looking at him with her dreamy blue eyes. “I don’t feel well when my friends are sad.”

Harry didn’t know what to reply to that, so he simply sat down next to her. Luna had such a strange, but calm energy, like a pulsating, pink bubble inhibiting her, and if you were lucky, she let you inside this bubble and you could shut the world out for a moment.

“Harry, why are you sad?” Luna asked softly after a while.

“Because... because I like someone who doesn’t like me back,” He said.

Luna placed her hand upon his, and he saw that she had painted her fingernails in every colour of the rainbow. Though that was probably Ginny’s work.

“I think Y/N likes you very much,” She said. Harry scoffed.

“Not the way I like her,” He said. “She just agreed to go to the ball with Nott. I saw it. She looked happy. And when I wanted to ask her last week, she ran away.”

“You know, first I thought you wanted to go to the ball with somebody else,” She said. “I thought maybe you wanted to ask Cho again and wanted to prepare this time. And maybe Y/N thought so, too.”

Harry looked up at the blonde girl.

“She did ask me if I was going to ask Cho,” He said, remembering one of the dance lessons.

“And did you tell her that you actually want to ask her?”

“No,” He admitted, burying his face in his hands. “I panicked... and now it’s too late.”

“No, it’s not. You should still go to the ball, and then you should tell her,” Luna said.

“How? I can’t do it when we’re alone, I certainly can’t do it when there’s a hundred people around,” Harry said miserably.

“Well, then don’t.” Luna shrugged. “If you want her to be with Theodore –”

“I don’t want that,” He interrupted her. “Of course, I don’t.”

“Then go to the ball and tell her. I know you can do that.”

Saturday evening came around faster than you liked it to. Over the last four days, you had noticed Theodore’s eyes on you more than once during the meals or potions class, but it did not cause the tingling feeling in your stomach you would like his looks to cause.

If anything, you felt a pressure to talk to him and to spend time with him because you would go to the ball together. But you did not give in to that pressure and avoided him as much as possible, which led to you often leaving the potions classroom as one of the first.

To be honest, you were much more concentrated on Harry.

Harry who did not sit beside you during meals anymore. Harry who did not look in your direction but rather stared at his plate. Harry who looked like he had just lived through a very miserable week.

And you knew that was because you had left him standing in the hallway last Friday night. Maybe he had figured that you had feelings for him and that was his way of dealing with it: Distancing himself from you.

You wished you had not run. You wished you could’ve stayed in that abandoned classroom forever, your favourite song playing and his arms around you.

–

“What eyeshadow should I use?”

“The darker one.”

“Y/N?”

You snapped out of your thoughts, looking up from where you sat on the floor in your puffy, ankle-long purple-pink dress. Parvati held out her eyeshadow palette, eyebrows raised as she sceptically eyed you. Her black hair was still wrapped around a dozen curlers. Lavender had spent all morning on them.

“Yes, the darker one,” You said. “Brings out your eyes.”

Thankfully, that answer seemed to satisfy her enough to not ask how you were doing. She and Lavender had already asked that over a million times, but you had reassured them that you were totally okay.

Parvati turned back to face the mirror.

“When did you want to meet with Nott?” Lavender asked. She kneeled in front of her trunk, pondering whether she should wear black or silver heels.

“Half past seven,” You mumbled, picking at the tulle of your dress.

Theodore had held you back yesterday after Defence against the Dark Arts to tell you that he would be at the Great Hall at 7:30 and that you were welcome to eat dinner with him and his friends – which included people like Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson; people you usually avoided by all means, people that had laughed at you for tripping over the last step of a stair, for not knowing an answer to one of Snape’s stupid questions, or for simply being Muggleborn.

You had never been less interested in going to a social event. All you wanted to do was lay in bed under your blanket and erase the last week out of your mind.

“Oh, come on, darling, we talked about this.” Lavender came over and squished your cheeks, brushing away a tear. “Today is not the day to sulk about some guy who doesn’t return your feelings. Today is your day, and you’re gonna have fun with us. Don’t let some guy ruin that. Okay?”

You sniffed and nodded, not able to answer because she cupped your cheeks so solidly. Lavender smiled and kissed your forehead.

“That’s right,” She said. “We’re gonna have some dinner and dance a bit and if by then you still feel bad, we can go back to our dorm.”

“And if Harry dares to talk to you, he’s gonna know what’s it feels like to be kicked in the balls with a heel,” Parvati added dryly. You laughed.

The Great Hall was decorated with yellow, pink and purple banners, and the four long house tables had been exchanged with much smaller, round ones scattered where the staff table usually stood, on each of them a vase filled with rosa tulips and white daffodils.

The ceiling did not mirror the night sky outside but a beautiful, orange sunset lighting up the dance floor in the middle. Opposite from the many tables, on the other end of the hall, Slughorn had organised a stage with a cover band. Next to the stage hung a long parchment onto which everyone could write requests.

You spotted your Potions teacher, dressed in a bright green suit, next to Dumbledore, his robes a terrible pink, both of them writing down their song requests.

“A Galleon that Dumbledore is a Spice Girls fan,” Lavender said grinning as she had followed your eyes.

“Bet,” Parvati said, grabbing three drinks from a passing waiter. “Here. Cheers.”

The three of you clinked glasses and took a sip of the red punch – it tasted strongly of various fruits, coconut, and bitter alcohol.

You let your eyes glide further over the hall and the people that sat together in groups around the tables, some of them already eating. Secretly, you were looking for Harry, though you only discovered Ginny in between Luna and Hermione, all of them chatting happily, and a few tables behind them, Theodore.

He waved as he saw you, gesturing to come over. You forced yourself to smile and wave back at him.

“I’ll see you later,” You said, chugging down the rest of your drink.

“Tell us if he’s being an asshole,” Parvati said. “Or really any of them.”

“And have some fun,” Lavender added.

You took one last look at your friends – Parvati in her silk, almond white, slim dress, and Lavender with flowers in her hair, their arms linked together – and swallowed thickly before turning and making your way through the crowd towards Theodore, though you made sure to give the table with Ginny a wide berth.

“Hi, Y/N,” Theodore greeted you, pecking a swift kiss on your left cheek. His eyes, however, were gliding over the room filling with more and more students. “We’ve already ordered some drinks, come on.”

You took a step back after the kiss, blinking quickly, then noticed how the other people around the table were staring at you:

Pansy and Daphne eyed you and your dress dismissively, and Blaise sipped on his wine, eyebrows raised. Only Draco was slumped in his chair and chewed on a gum, not wasting a single glance at you. He looked as uninterested in this Spring Ball as you felt.

An hour ago, you sure as hell wouldn’t have believed to relate to bloody Draco Malfoy.

“Uh, hi. I’m Y/N,” You said, forcing a smile on your face and holding out your hand towards Pansy, as she sat closest to you. “I like your dress. Matches your earrings.”

That compliment seemed to leave a mark. Her judging look softened and she shook your hand.

After introducing yourself to everyone (well, except Draco, who had only shortly nodded at you), you sat down in between Theodore and Blaise, and ordered something to eat.

Pansy and Daphne were huddled together the whole time, giggling and pointing at others, while Draco raised a complaint about every meal on the menu or really any other small inconvenience that had the unfortune to be spotted by him (“I can’t eat that, it has tomatoes in it. Nothing on here is gluten free. I’ll write father first thing in the morning. Pansy, will you shut the fuck up for a second? That’s not even a real band. God, I hate this place.”).

“He’s a whiny bitch most of the time, but his family has a great holiday chalet in France,” Blaise said to you after Draco had shot you an annoyed look for asking if you should ask the band to play a different song. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t be friends with him.”

“I hope you choke on that disgusting wine,” Draco muttered, and you chuckled.

“Sure, darling,” Blaise replied, sharing a look with you. Until now, Blaise had surprisingly talked the most with you, and it turned out he wasn’t half as bad as you had always thought he would be.

Theodore on the other hand had only occasionally asked you how your meal was and how long you had planned to stay. His eyes had not held contact with yours for longer than a second and were still searching for something in the crowd, which was – by the way – having fun on the dance floor while you had not moved in almost an hour.

It wasn’t until a particularly beautiful girl from Ravenclaw strode past your table that Theodore hooked his foot around the leg of your chair to pull you closer and placed his hand on your upper thigh, giving you his full attention for the first time that night.

“Have I told you that you look very pretty tonight?” He asked, his dark eyes meeting yours.

“Er – no,” You said, darting a confused look towards the Ravenclaw girl.

“Well, you do,” Theodore went on and turned your head back to face him by stroking his thumb over your cheek before pressing his lips onto the skin beneath your ear. They felt chapped and not pleasant in any way. You cringed.

“Uh, sorry, but that’s maybe a bit early, don’t you think?” You said, drawing back and shoving his hand from your thigh.

“She’s gone anyway, Theo,” Blaise said. You did not understand.

“Who’s gone?” You asked, looking back and forth between Theodore and the others, who all seemed to know something you didn’t. Pansy giggled.

“Nothing,” Theodore said. His sweet voice had turned bitter, and you felt like that was your fault. He stood up. “I’ll get some more punch.”

The band segued from an upbeat song into a much slower one, and the light of the candles magically dimmed.

“Do you want to dance maybe?” You asked Theodore as a way to make up for your rejection, but he had already pushed past a group of chatting seventh years, not turning around.

You sank back into your chair, picking at the tulle of your dress again. Was it too early to tell Lavender and Parvati that you wanted to go back to your dorm?

“Girl, if I were you, I would get out of here as quickly as possible,” Blaise said. You looked up at him. “He’s not worth it. And he’s not here for you. So don’t waste your energy.”

“But he asked me to the ball,” You said weakly.

“Did he? Or did he just ask for some time with you to make his ex-girlfriend jealous?”

“He – well – he…”

But Blaise looked at you and you knew that he was right, that this was never about you but some other girl. It was always about some other girl.

“Excuse me, I’ll get some fresh air,” You said and made your way through the tables towards the doors.

The last time, everyone had watched him. Now it was Harry’s turn to watch everyone else try their best on the dance floor. He wasn’t sure what was worse; to be laughed at by the others while stepping on Parvati’s feet every other second or to watch not only Hermione and Ron but also Ginny and Luna, as well as Seamus and Dean dancing closely, arms around the other.

They all had no idea what they were doing, Harry could tell, but they were having fun anyway. He had never seen Hermione this happy.

“Oh, flashback.”

Harry looked up. Parvati sat down next to him on the chair that Ron had left over half an hour ago.

“Yeah,” He mumbled, taking another sip of butterbeer, and turned back to the dance floor right in time to see Dean kissing Seamus passionately in the middle of the room.

“And you are not dancing because…?” Parvati asked. Harry crossed his arms.

“If you’re here to make fun of me or to blow up my butterbeer, feel free to fuck off.”

Parvati chuckled. “Sorry about that. But seriously, why are you sitting here miserably after all those dance lessons?”

Harry tried to make out if she was actually serious or if this was her way to revenge herself for the Yule Ball.

“Are you kidding me?” He asked. Parvati narrowed her eyebrows, now visibly puzzled.

“No, I’m genuinely asking –”

“Well, it’s not that fucking easy to slow dance if you have no date, is it,” He said crossly.

Parvati gaped at him, but he was certainly not in the mood for this. It had cost him all his strength to not look for you in the crowd all evening, he did not need reminding of you not liking him back by Parvati.

Before she could say anything else, he placed his butterbeer bottle on the table and darted outside, hands shoved deeply into the pockets of his suit and eyes directed to the floor.

Harry’s feet guided him towards the courtyard. The music played by the band wasn’t as loud out here, and the cold night air was lively in contrary to the sticky, perfumed air inside the Great Hall.

He kicked some of the grass away and walked towards the bench underneath the willow, watching how its branches weighed in the wind and thought how you were probably having as much fun as his friends, or maybe even more, considering Nott was infamous for snogging in various broom closets.

Harry’s stomach turned at the thought of that. He wished he had a time turner to make it right.

The moon stood high on the deep blue night sky, illuminating the courtyard you had unconsciously walked to. Grey clouds had approached, and tiny raindrops were falling to the ground, steadily drumming onto the roofs of Hogwarts.

On your way out of the Great Hall, you had caught a glimpse of Theodore sticking his tongue down the throat of that Ravenclaw girl, but to be honest, it didn’t matter that he was making out with someone else. It would’ve just been nice if you could have had a forewarning.

You thought you were the only single soul wandering about, then spotted a figure sitting on a bench. You were about to turn and search for some other place to wallow in your feelings, when you recognised the messy hair.

Maybe this was the time to make up for running away. Maybe this was the time to be honest.

Harry looked up when he noticed someone coming closer, the tulle of your dress rustling over the wet grass. His heart jumped and he forgot to breathe for a moment.

“Hello,” You said, voice echoing over the empty courtyard. “Can I sit?”

“Of course.”

Harry scooted to the side to make some space for you. You sat down next to him, leaving maybe a hand width between the two of you. The wide branches of the willow guided you from the cold rain.

“You weren’t dancing,” You said, staring at the grass instead of his face.

You would understand if he did not want to talk, if he just walked away. He didn’t owe you an explanation for why he had not asked you to the ball or why was sitting here instead of inside with Ginny or whoever he had asked.

“You weren’t either, were you?” Harry replied. “You and Nott.”

“No, he’s busy with someone else, so… no. Not dancing.”

“Oh.” Harry shuffled. His knee bumped against yours. “Well, he’s an idiot then.”

You smiled, not moving your knee away from his.

“Yeah…but I don’t mind, really.”

“You should,” Harry said, and he meant it. No one should be treated like that. “If anyone should be dancing, it’s you.”

You looked up at him. Harry was already watching you, and it filled you with warmth despite the freezing cold. There wasn’t a single sign of hurt on his face, just a soft curiosity lying in his green eyes.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered, “for running away last Friday. I had to sort out some things.”

“What things?” He asked quietly.

“Some…” Your heartbeat sped up. Be honest, you told yourself. “Some feelings.”

“Oh.” Harry tried to figure out what you meant by that, but the way you looked at him made his mind go blank. “You mean you…”

“I really like dancing with you,” You said. Harry felt his heart beating faster than ever against his ribcage. He wondered if you could hear it. “And I wouldn’t have done those lessons with anyone.”

The music from inside the Great Hall was growing louder, overshadowing the rain; someone must’ve opened the doors to let in some fresh air. The band was playing a slower, French song and it stung in your heart. It was one of your favourites.

When you turned back to Harry, he was standing up. For a second you thought he wanted to leave, to go back inside, then –

“May I have this dance?” Harry held out is right hand, and you did not have to think twice if you should take it or not.

He helped you up from the bench and led into the middle of the lawn, the rain still pattering onto the grass and the stone tiles. It smelled strongly of petrichor, and you thought that this was much closer to spring than the decorations in the Great Hall.

Harry’s hand found its place on your back, pulling you closer to him. You placed your hand on his shoulder, tapping his skin with your finger in time to the music out of habit, and met his eyes, reflecting the moon light in them.

Had you ever told him how beautiful he was?

The two of you moved, swaying back and forth. Harry realised that he did not even need to concentrate on the steps, he knew them by heart. The closeness of you took his breath away, the way your fingers held onto his, the way there was little to no room between your torso and his. You were smiling at him, despite the cold and the rain. Harry felt his stomach tingling.

“What’s it called?” Harry asked quietly, not wanting to drown out the music.

“‘Je Te Laisserai Des Mots’. I’ll leave you words,” You translated, having memorised the lyrics in your mind. “I’ll leave you words underneath your door, underneath the singing moon. Near the place where your feet pass by…hidden in the holes of wintertime and when you’re alone for a moment.”

You paused and Harry’s eyes fell to his feet, not able to take your gaze any longer. There were words on the tip of his tongue he did not dare to say – afraid, to ruin the moment. He wanted to stay here forever.

“Eyes up,” You said, placing your hand underneath his chin to lift his head up.

More French words reached your ears; Harry figured they were the same sentence repeated over and over, but even if he had been able to understand French, he wouldn’t have been able to translate them because of your hand still resting under his chin.

“Kiss me whenever you want,” You whispered. “Kiss me whenever you want. Kiss me –”

And then, Harry let go of his fears and kissed you.

After all it still took you by surprise how he loosened his fingers from yours to cup your face, pulling you as close to him as possible, until there was no space in between, noses bumping against each other. Both of your hands slung themselves around his neck, caressing his skin and driving up through messy hair.

His lips matched yours, gliding smoothly over one another, smearing your lip gloss everywhere until all you tasted was strawberries and sweet alcohol. With his chest against yours, Harry was glad to notice your heart beating as fast as his did, though that was also because he really needed to breathe – not that he wanted to, he would have been totally okay with never breaking away from the kiss if it was always going to feel this soft and freeing.

It was you in the end that had to carefully pull his face away from yours, heavily breathing in and out. You brushed his wet hair out of his forehead and let your fingers slide over his temples and cheeks down to his neck.

“That offer,” Harry began breathlessly, tucking a strand of hair he had accidentally drawn from your pinned-up hair behind your ear, “about continuing the dance lessons…that still stands, right?”

Your lips curved upwards into a smile. “Of course.” 

“Brilliant,” Harry said, mirroring your smile before leaning down again to close the gap between your lips.