nightsweatsx

[nightsweatsx]

having feelings..... feels weak.... to admit you're feeling something.... is scary. Especially if it is for someone else and not just happy because you got to have an oat mochaccino and smashed avo on toast for under $20.

Is it so bad to want to be around someone that makes you feel good. I mean, it is kind of bad if you're getting more out of it than the other person is. Even if you are getting more out of it, are you really? deep down? is there a gap there that isn't.... being met?

Admitting that someone isn't good for you.... is hard. We all know someone that isn't good for us.... I've stayed with a person that wasn't meeting my needs but they were really hot, and sometimes they made my pussy feel good.... pussy feeling good shouldn't be sometimes, it should be always.

Although the pussy was sometimes good.... it is still very hard to give up. But.... when you have that gut wrenching chest heavy yuck feeling when you find yourself checking to see if they responded to your DM.... is it worth it..... this is where people will say "you have anxious attachment doll" yeah okay, I know, I've read the book, I KNOW. However this does not stop you from holding onto flames..

I've tried tricking myself into thinking I am just a character and he is just another person in the play. They say you can do anything if you put your mind to it...... however they also forgot humans have emotions.... and controlling things on the outside of your emotions isn't going to stop them from surfacing..... unless of course you are into substance abuse... but we all know how that goes.

Lately my algorithm has been all about situationships. This is a made up word, google is asking me to rephrase that word. Majority of the videos were screaming at you "you're better than this! you deserve more!" then there were super horrendous videos showing people obsessing over their persons instagram account followers because he mentioned a girls name, what the fuck. It's actually not okay to get to that level of stalking, I've been in that place before where I've got myself trapped down that hole.... it's unpleasant, it's scary, it's disrespectful and you have to check yourself out. Stop.

There is something about having anxiety, and needing to be in control of everything. Realistically, you don't have control of everything, you can't control others actions, others comments, how they respond to you, when they respond to you, you cannot control it.... and you must accept it. The only thing you can control, are your actions, your comments, how you respond, when you respond... that's your power and you must honour it..... like they say, you're worth it.... you deserve more.

[nightsweatsx]

what is the feeling

it's been 6 months

this time a year ago we just met.

I gave one of your friends a blow job the night we met in the bars bathroom whilst you were standing in a crowd watching an indie band perform and you messaged me "where are you?" and I told you honestly the next day in fear you would never talk to me again.

you had no issues, "we're not serious"

it's been 6 months

you've met someone new, "we've only been seeing each other for 5 days, it's not serious"

when is it an issue.

when is it serious.

what is the feeling when you think of us.

do you feel?

do you have issues?

is this serious?

[nightsweatsx]

I let love in, I let love in

You’re thirty one years old, just got out of a five month relationship, you’re convinced it was the best relationship you’ve had in your entire life. You base this off the sure fact that you haven’t once shown any of your insecurities, that you believe do not exist anymore, because hey, you spent the last six years ‘working on yourself, hindsight, you didn’t work on yourself. 

You instead, spent the last six years, single, sending nude photographs almost to anyone you found attractive, getting black out drunk only once in a year, so that was pretty good considering you would do it almost monthly previously, there it is ‘growth’. 

You decided to be more frivolous with posting nude photos of yourself to your social media, such as instagram, as a front that your weight gain was valid, ‘my body is beautiful, it is made this way, it’s called genetics hun, maybe my body is like this because of that? Can’t help it’, Crosses the street to the dairy for my dose of blood spiking levels of sugar with a Red Bull and a Cookie Time ‘it’s cool babes, I eat this, because I want it, I am not going to feel guilt after eating this, because I don’t associate the word guilt with food’.

Two years later, blood tests came in, along with a phone call from the nurse “you better come in, it’s pre-diabetes, you gotta stop with the red bulls love”. The denial was massive, so massive, you send a complaint to the Health & Disability Commissioner that your doctor did a secret hbA1c test with your other blood test, because everytime she has seen you, she points at you and turns her face upside and groans “you’ve put on weight, haven’t you?” 

You caught me doctor! The blood tests don’t lie! Weight gain has caused the pre-diabetes! 

You read right, six years of being single. It’s good to be on your own, to sit with your own thoughts, and company. If you can’t do that, there is something wrong with you. That’s not true at all, most people do find this difficult, and that’s fair, society is always teaching us that being alone is not fun, especially Coca Cola adverts, never see anyone just lying in their bed with their laptop pulled up to their chin, cracking open a cold Coke Zero and sipping on it making sure it doesn’t spill out the side of your mouth, down your cheek and to the back of your neck, never, it’s always laughing, jumping around, on the beach, yahoo, even chuck in an inflatable ball, the beach and a coke with my friends! 

Being single was a choice, but it got the point of, you’re single because you’re actively avoiding emotions. Feelings are too much, because you always acted out when those feelings became heightened, there was no mindfulness, no wise mind in place, just full reactionary blow outs. You increasingly become more aware of this avoidance, that you begin to let yourself become a little vulnerable. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song ‘I Let Love In’ chimes in, reminding you that you may indeed allow love back into your life. You get a tattoo of Robbie Williams with the words “I just wanna feel” on your leg, to remind yourself, it is going to be okay, if I allow myself to endure this. You are in control!

How embarrassing to find that you allow these feelings to enter your life again, and when a moment is taken out of your control, and you are not being provided with the answers you want to hear, you lose it? You absolutely lose it. You’re back to square one, back to the six years previously, of being reactionary, obsessed, jealous, insecure! All that growth, gone! 

Was it growth though? Or were you just avoiding any chance of these insecurities coming out again to show its awful face, to show who you really are. You didn’t actively deal with those insecurities, you covered them up, by taking your clothes off, posing in front of the camera, showing the world you were fat and proud, shovelling copious amounts of food down your throat that you disguised as ‘intuitive eating’, being single was badass, because you know what they say “a woman don’t need no man, she independent” fuck you Beyonce. 

The more you type this down, you begin having revelations, oh, that’s possibly a panic attack coming. 

It wasn’t a panic attack, your panic attacks don’t work like that, yours just pop up when you’re doing nothing, not looking in the mirror, truly looking at yourself, who even are you anymore? You convince yourself you’re crazy now, your ex doesn’t want you back again, because of all this crazy! Not because they are dealing with something incredibly stressful that may have been caused by their own actions. Ah, get back on track, don’t resort to it Sarah, get back to the realising things about yourself. 

I look at the drawing on my wall, of a grim reaper, wearing a cloak covered in red hearts, and above is written ‘I LET LOVE IN’, was it my mistake that I read this and assumed “I let someone else come into my life with love” or should I have read it as, I let love in, for myself, from myself.

[nightsweatsx]

[nightsweatsx]

my heart has been healthier, not in terms of blood work, more of a pain that leaves me feeling beaten and abandoned.

It use to flow with love, excitement and happiness. Now it is stagnant, waiting for the current to pick up again. A caffeine kick from the sugarless Red Bull I’m downing each day just to feel something more than hopelessness.

Im not destructive. I don’t drink away pain, or take drugs to escape, so hurt that even finding another lover to spend the night with seems too tiresome to attempt. Most of the time I find myself parked up with a view, music loud and sobbing into my steering wheel.

Why won’t this go away.

Why won’t this go away.

Why won’t this go away.

You don’t look at my socials anymore, as far as I know. Why would you though, it makes you sad.

It makes me sad, that you’re sad, by looking at me.

I am sad, that when I look at me, it’s not you and me, with your hand open, awaiting mine to connect with yours.

I’m sorry. How do I express how vulnerable I am. Without using words. Showing my body. It’s right there. My insecurities are showing face and I’m ashamed.

Please don’t forget me.