having feelings..... feels weak.... to admit you're feeling something.... is scary. Especially if it is for someone else and not just happy because you got to have an oat mochaccino and smashed avo on toast for under $20.
Is it so bad to want to be around someone that makes you feel good. I mean, it is kind of bad if you're getting more out of it than the other person is. Even if you are getting more out of it, are you really? deep down? is there a gap there that isn't.... being met?
Admitting that someone isn't good for you.... is hard. We all know someone that isn't good for us.... I've stayed with a person that wasn't meeting my needs but they were really hot, and sometimes they made my pussy feel good.... pussy feeling good shouldn't be sometimes, it should be always.
Although the pussy was sometimes good.... it is still very hard to give up. But.... when you have that gut wrenching chest heavy yuck feeling when you find yourself checking to see if they responded to your DM.... is it worth it..... this is where people will say "you have anxious attachment doll" yeah okay, I know, I've read the book, I KNOW. However this does not stop you from holding onto flames..
I've tried tricking myself into thinking I am just a character and he is just another person in the play. They say you can do anything if you put your mind to it...... however they also forgot humans have emotions.... and controlling things on the outside of your emotions isn't going to stop them from surfacing..... unless of course you are into substance abuse... but we all know how that goes.
Lately my algorithm has been all about situationships. This is a made up word, google is asking me to rephrase that word. Majority of the videos were screaming at you "you're better than this! you deserve more!" then there were super horrendous videos showing people obsessing over their persons instagram account followers because he mentioned a girls name, what the fuck. It's actually not okay to get to that level of stalking, I've been in that place before where I've got myself trapped down that hole.... it's unpleasant, it's scary, it's disrespectful and you have to check yourself out. Stop.
There is something about having anxiety, and needing to be in control of everything. Realistically, you don't have control of everything, you can't control others actions, others comments, how they respond to you, when they respond to you, you cannot control it.... and you must accept it. The only thing you can control, are your actions, your comments, how you respond, when you respond... that's your power and you must honour it..... like they say, you're worth it.... you deserve more.
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what is the feeling
it's been 6 months
this time a year ago we just met.
I gave one of your friends a blow job the night we met in the bars bathroom whilst you were standing in a crowd watching an indie band perform and you messaged me "where are you?" and I told you honestly the next day in fear you would never talk to me again.
you had no issues, "we're not serious"
it's been 6 months
you've met someone new, "we've only been seeing each other for 5 days, it's not serious"
when is it an issue.
when is it serious.
what is the feeling when you think of us.
do you feel?
do you have issues?
is this serious?
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I let love in, I let love in
Youâre thirty one years old, just got out of a five month relationship, youâre convinced it was the best relationship youâve had in your entire life. You base this off the sure fact that you havenât once shown any of your insecurities, that you believe do not exist anymore, because hey, you spent the last six years âworking on yourself, hindsight, you didnât work on yourself.Â
You instead, spent the last six years, single, sending nude photographs almost to anyone you found attractive, getting black out drunk only once in a year, so that was pretty good considering you would do it almost monthly previously, there it is âgrowthâ.Â
You decided to be more frivolous with posting nude photos of yourself to your social media, such as instagram, as a front that your weight gain was valid, âmy body is beautiful, it is made this way, itâs called genetics hun, maybe my body is like this because of that? Canât help itâ, Crosses the street to the dairy for my dose of blood spiking levels of sugar with a Red Bull and a Cookie Time âitâs cool babes, I eat this, because I want it, I am not going to feel guilt after eating this, because I donât associate the word guilt with foodâ.
Two years later, blood tests came in, along with a phone call from the nurse âyou better come in, itâs pre-diabetes, you gotta stop with the red bulls loveâ. The denial was massive, so massive, you send a complaint to the Health & Disability Commissioner that your doctor did a secret hbA1c test with your other blood test, because everytime she has seen you, she points at you and turns her face upside and groans âyouâve put on weight, havenât you?âÂ
You caught me doctor! The blood tests donât lie! Weight gain has caused the pre-diabetes!Â
You read right, six years of being single. Itâs good to be on your own, to sit with your own thoughts, and company. If you canât do that, there is something wrong with you. Thatâs not true at all, most people do find this difficult, and thatâs fair, society is always teaching us that being alone is not fun, especially Coca Cola adverts, never see anyone just lying in their bed with their laptop pulled up to their chin, cracking open a cold Coke Zero and sipping on it making sure it doesnât spill out the side of your mouth, down your cheek and to the back of your neck, never, itâs always laughing, jumping around, on the beach, yahoo, even chuck in an inflatable ball, the beach and a coke with my friends!Â
Being single was a choice, but it got the point of, youâre single because youâre actively avoiding emotions. Feelings are too much, because you always acted out when those feelings became heightened, there was no mindfulness, no wise mind in place, just full reactionary blow outs. You increasingly become more aware of this avoidance, that you begin to let yourself become a little vulnerable. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song âI Let Love Inâ chimes in, reminding you that you may indeed allow love back into your life. You get a tattoo of Robbie Williams with the words âI just wanna feelâ on your leg, to remind yourself, it is going to be okay, if I allow myself to endure this. You are in control!
How embarrassing to find that you allow these feelings to enter your life again, and when a moment is taken out of your control, and you are not being provided with the answers you want to hear, you lose it? You absolutely lose it. Youâre back to square one, back to the six years previously, of being reactionary, obsessed, jealous, insecure! All that growth, gone!Â
Was it growth though? Or were you just avoiding any chance of these insecurities coming out again to show its awful face, to show who you really are. You didnât actively deal with those insecurities, you covered them up, by taking your clothes off, posing in front of the camera, showing the world you were fat and proud, shovelling copious amounts of food down your throat that you disguised as âintuitive eatingâ, being single was badass, because you know what they say âa woman donât need no man, she independentâ fuck you Beyonce.Â
The more you type this down, you begin having revelations, oh, thatâs possibly a panic attack coming.Â
It wasnât a panic attack, your panic attacks donât work like that, yours just pop up when youâre doing nothing, not looking in the mirror, truly looking at yourself, who even are you anymore? You convince yourself youâre crazy now, your ex doesnât want you back again, because of all this crazy! Not because they are dealing with something incredibly stressful that may have been caused by their own actions. Ah, get back on track, donât resort to it Sarah, get back to the realising things about yourself.Â
I look at the drawing on my wall, of a grim reaper, wearing a cloak covered in red hearts, and above is written âI LET LOVE INâ, was it my mistake that I read this and assumed âI let someone else come into my life with loveâ or should I have read it as, I let love in, for myself, from myself.
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my heart has been healthier, not in terms of blood work, more of a pain that leaves me feeling beaten and abandoned.
It use to flow with love, excitement and happiness. Now it is stagnant, waiting for the current to pick up again. A caffeine kick from the sugarless Red Bull Iâm downing each day just to feel something more than hopelessness.
Im not destructive. I donât drink away pain, or take drugs to escape, so hurt that even finding another lover to spend the night with seems too tiresome to attempt. Most of the time I find myself parked up with a view, music loud and sobbing into my steering wheel.
Why wonât this go away.
Why wonât this go away.
Why wonât this go away.
You donât look at my socials anymore, as far as I know. Why would you though, it makes you sad.
It makes me sad, that youâre sad, by looking at me.
I am sad, that when I look at me, itâs not you and me, with your hand open, awaiting mine to connect with yours.
Iâm sorry. How do I express how vulnerable I am. Without using words. Showing my body. Itâs right there. My insecurities are showing face and Iâm ashamed.
Please donât forget me.
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