Carry On
This is in no way going to be a unique post. There have been hundreds, probably thousands, of others just like it. All the same, I'm going to add mine. Because like all those thousands of others, this show means something to me.
It took me just over a decade to finish the entire series. That doesn't seem like long when talking about a TV show that ran for 15 seasons, but I finished the first 8 seasons in a single summer.
That summer. I can't hear Kansas or any of the show's other cues without immediately being transported back there, to that little post-college apartment in Vegas. Being the only one in a 4 person place because all the others had finished their student teaching and left. I stayed behind, deciding to finish out the semester at the school I would be taking over that fall, getting my last bit of training in, stepping into my big-girl shoes.
So I was alone. Just recently had my first root canal, which meant I was still addicted to the "chocolate-covered strawberry" shake I found at the nearest Sonic. I had no plans that night. I made a pot of instant flavored rice and took it, my shake, and my laptop to my room; being in the living room of an empty and un-lived in apartment wasn't appealing anymore. I remember starting with most of the lights off, all except my beat-up little Target bedside lamp. I'd heard about this show for ages, wasn't ever sure it was for me, but decided I'd try it that night. Why not?
Within minutes, I had every light in the entire apartment blazing. Door locks were triple-checked, rice abandoned, and I was hooked.
What happened next was the final and real transition from college to adult-life. I went home for the summer and, in between prepping for my new challenge ahead, I squirreled away in my parents' cool basement, bingeing this show as a way to calm my (then undiagnosed) anxiety. I stayed up too light, sobbing into the night by myself over Sam's (first) death. Then Dean's. Then the perfection that is Season 5. Then everything that followed. At some point that summer I began investing in the DVD sets, some scrounged from eBay, some purchased straight off Walmart shelves or Amazon. I finished season 8 with 2 weeks to go before I made the big move--2 months before the 9th season would premiere.
In my new life, I DVR'd every episode, had Pinterest boards and Tumblr posts full of SPN fandom. I went to a convention. I loved it so, so much.
But life is tricky. I watched religiously until halfway through season 13, when things became unmanageable and I was pulled too far under in my battle with anxiety. I pressed pause for a bit. I got my mental health and my life together, I found other things that I loved so much. And then I moved across the world.
Couldn't access the final 2 seasons while they were airing live, and sometimes the VPN wouldn't even let me tune in to catch up on Netflix, so I was sort of forced to let it go.
Last year, I started again, back home for another summer in that same house. I started from the beginning. This time, I made it through the first 12 seasons before moving back, before relying on a VPN once again.
By now, I knew the ending. I had seen the spoilers, the controversy. I had seen the real-life stuff between actors, been disappointed by certain choices, baffled by others. I had been out of the diehard fandom for years now. I had also, like all of us, lived through a global pandemic. I knew so many were disappointed with how this show had gone out. Still, in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to finish.
And today, finally, thanks to a typhoon-forced day off, I have.
For me, I get the complaints. Well, not so much the complaints, but the sense of... 아깝다. 아쉽다. What a shame. It's a shame that a show like this, that means so much to so many people, had to go out with a Covid-induced whimper, not the bang it deserved.
But I still cried. I still felt that sense of loss. This show....it means so much to me. It got me through some tough times. It walked with me through the transition to adulthood. It was my everything for so long.
Although...it's been freeing in a way. Knowing I have finished, seen it through to the end. Now, whenever I'm feeling that urge (it should be no surprise that it usually hits me every summer, when days start getting hot and I crave chocolate-strawberry shakes) I can start wherever I want. Stop in on all my favorites, or binge it all. It's always gonna be there, just like it always was.
It may have taken me a decade, but I'm so glad this show exists.
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