#sometimes youre just hungry and you dont realize it

[youngpettyqueen]

sometimes you need to be filled with righteous rage and anger and take a couple hours to calm down and think rationally and realize you are hangry and overstimulated and it was never that deep

[rinsnumber1fan]

hii i read your licking a popsicle fic and i really enjoyed it!! ^^ could you maybe make another one but with the other men? like isagi, nagi and reo? or anyone you'd like to add! :)

OF COURSEEEE

licking a popsicle a bit too passionately infront of bllk men prank.

Includes: isagi yoichi, nagi seishero, reo mikage,

Isagi yoichi:

You were on a date in the park and had gotten hungry half way through. There were no shops nearby except for a popsicle stand, cue isagi ended up buying it for you. It was just a popsicle right?

He gulped lowly when he slowly realized the mistake you made, you were licking it up and down like it was a ... Well, dick. And you looked down on its long shape in amazement. "It's so big." You whimpered, but it was all auditable to him. Extremely auditable.

"Yeah... it looks...big" isagis voice trailed off. "Are you sure you've had this before? You seem to be.. enjoying it." He asked and you suppressed a smirk knowingly. "Yah but its been so long it feels like ive never had it." You licked extra hard.

He takes a deep breath in and pulls his shirt lower to hide the erection growing in his pants. "Okay then.. take your time." He said, as if he wasn't imagining your lips on his cock the whole time.

Nagi seishero:

You both were cuddled up on his bedroom bed, clinging to eachother like koalas while he played genshin impact on his iPad, you watched with him. "Ugh hassle gaurd.. just die already I just finished leveling up my Diluc...." He groaned as he failed the mission for the nth time. You kissed his cheek, "dont worry baby you'll make it. Here let me try." You were a gamer yourself too, sometimes.

You grab the iPad from his hands and he watches keenly as you press on every single burst and skill and healer and all in one, the boss dies. He sighed in relief "you're good at this.." He said in jealousy with a small pout. "I'm bad at some things too" you added passing the ipad back to him and leaning your head against his shoulder. "I'm gonna go get some ice cream." You declared, jumping off the bed quickly at which he whined on the lack of comfort. But you giggled and went off to get some ice cream from his freezer. Your lips puckered up as you glance at the freezer in his kitchen.

No ice cream..?

He usually has stacks of all the 31 flavours of Baskin Robbins but hes only got Popsicles today. Guess we ran out...

You grab two Popsicles and head to his room, passing him one, "we're out of Baskin Robbins." You said, unpacking the popsicle.

Hmm... this looks... pretty familiar..

A devilish smirk formed on your lips before you plopped the popsicle in your mouth and licked the tip slowly. Nag's attention diverted from his mission to you for a moment. He was gonna say what a hassle... but its not really a hassle to look at you while you act like there's something round and big in your mouth.

"Huh.." He murmured, "could you suck me off?" He asked boldly. You choked on the popsicle and a small tired smile formed on his lips, "that noise is cute too.." his ipad was long switched off and on his side table now. Your cheeks flushed, "you're so dirty minded!!"

Reo Mikage:

"Um..." he bit back a very bold remark about how you were trying to fit the whole popsicle in your mouth at once. "You think it would fit?" You titled your head, glancing at the popsicle from above. "I think its a bit too big f'me." You pouted when you pulled it out your mouth. Reo sighed, leaning back on the couch of his penthouse. "Baby, I love you. But... Don't do that.." he murmured, "especially don't do that infront of my parents or anyone in public." You blinked in confusion, tilting your head, "why?" Reo only frowned, "b-because...-"

You looked up at him with doe cute eyes, "because...?" You asked with an innocent look on your face. He gulped down.

"You look like you're doing something else." Reo frowned, tilting his head to the side so you couldn't see his expression but it only caused you to lean closer. "Just say it out loud reooo.. I can't read your mind."

Reos brows scrunched up and he frowned, "oh God, sweetheart." He places his hands over his face. "You look like you're giving the popsicle head." He said out right. You paused for a moment and the acting blew you You burst out laughing "you're so easy to fool" "you did that on purpose?!" Reo asked with a dramatic sigh.

But a small smirk formed on his lips as he scoots closer to you "guess its punishment time for that?" He asked with a chameleon grin, pulling you down and tossing the popsicle aside on the floor. "HEY! THAT COSTS MONEY!!" reo only laughed "ill buy you hundreds of those."

When I type reos it autocorrects to research 💀💀

thank YOU FOR THE REQUSSTS GIYSYSUSYSUYS

[knnichs]

saturday night.

c. caleb, gn!reader

t. caleb x reader ( romantically !!!!!!! ) reader can be a self insert or you as mc, use of pipsqueak YES I LOVE THE NICKNAME, not proofread. wc 0.3k

taglist. @somjuie @azuresaqua @adres-tia -> join the taglist here!

“and what are you still doing up, hm?” 

you peek your head on top of the refrigerator, your hands still as you were shocked to see caleb–still awake–this late at night. he crossed his arms, just eyeing you.

he nodded, signaling you to speak up, make some kind of excuse–tell him it was some sort of dream. but you reached your arms out slowly, putting the box of donuts back on the top shelf in the fridge, and standing up straight to close the door. you still dont say a word, trying to buy time to create a half-assed excuse.

“i–well,” you coughed, “i just… got here?” 

“just got here?”

you nod, “yeah. like, five minutes ago.”

caleb smiles, walking towards you. he stays silent throughout it all–you do to, only following him with your eyes and stepping back when you realized he was trying to open the fridge’s door. 

“if you ‘just got here’ then… why is the donut box half empty, hm?” he opens the thin cardboard, revealing crumbs of the ones you had just eaten, and another with roughly two bites taken from it. from the six donuts you and caleb had bought a day ago, only three remain. “will you explain yourself?”

nervously, you look away, hands behind your back as if you were hiding something–before finally telling him the truth.

“well i ate some, obviously.”

“you ate three donuts,” he paused, “in five minutes?”

“...yes?”

“pip-squeak, you’re unbelievable.” he laughed, closing the door and turning on the kitchen lights. “you do know that no matter what time it was, if you were hungry i could whip something up for you, right?

“i know, but–”

“no buts, tell me next time, wake me up or something.” caleb smiles when he reaches for the pan, quickly working through the kitchen and giving you a kiss on the forehead when he passes by you. you could only nod sheepishly before he replies with a good.

“so, what’re you craving tonight? i saw the videos you were watching earlier, would you like that?” 

@ knnichs 2023 ﹑ do not repost, republish, translate, feed to ai or modify any of my works. doing so can and will result into me blocking you.

reblogs with comments are INCREDIBLY appreciated! go scream go feral idc i will eat all of them up and run away with a familiarly shaped reblog in my mouth, thank you.

guys i actually miss caleb so muchj its INSANE . sometimes i think about him and then i lowkey start giggling bc i rememebred i have tainted cuts... painful signal r1.... and both his myths r1 .. . ........... IVE BEEN WAITING SINCE DAY 1 YOU DONT UNDERSTAND !!!!!!!! waiting patiently for his myth and bday card hell YEAH

[amsznn]

Hey can you do one where the reader has a crush on Matt.She is very much giving heart eyes and tries to do anything to make him happy.Matt being oblivious complains to his brother about it.Nick and Chris smack some sense into him saying how lucky he is to have someone like us care about him.Matt disagrees and the reader hears this causing her to stop not wanting to make him uncomfortable.Matt misses the way things use to be and gets jealous when learning the reader is going out on a date.At the end they have an argument and he tells her how he really feels.Lots of angst in the beginning fluff towards the end please!!

OVERBEARING - m. sturniolo

warnings: slight cursing, angst at start, fluff at the end

-

you couldn’t deny it anymore. and you dont think it went unnoticed either.

the lingering gazes, to the more than normal laughter at his jokes, or the constant acts of service. how you were willing to do anything for him. just him.

matthew sturniolo.

you thought your constant need to be near him was just you wanting to be better friends. that was until your feelings started growing stronger.

“y/n, helloo.”

you brought your attention to the voice you found yourself loving so much.

“sorry, what?”

“i asked if you could pass the remote.” matt repeated while settling down beside you on the couch. you nodded and reached over to grab the remote to hand it to him. it was around 1 AM, and it was just the two of you. nick and chris had went to their rooms while you and matt decided to watch a movie.

“want me to get you a blanket?” you whispered as matt stared at the screen to the opening of the movie.

“no, im good.” matt says. you nodded and turned your head towards the movie. about five minutes or so passed when you asked another question.

“hungry?”

“nope.” matt responds, adding a ‘pop’ to the p to exaggerate his response. you mumbled an ‘okay’. a few beats of silence passed before once again, you asked.

“are you sure-”

“y/n, please m’ just trying to watch the movie in peace.” matt sighed. he was getting frustrated by the second. after a long day of filming with his relatively loud brothers, the only sounds he wanted to hear were the actors on the tv.

but this was only one example of your persistence. you were always clung to matt’s side. following him like a lost puppy at all times.

always there to cook him up a meal after his long day, willing to do any of his chores that he just didn’t feel like doing, even soothing him to sleep on those tough nights where everything went blank.

nick would sometimes make fun of matt. it almost seemed like you were his mother with the way you acted. but thats not what you were trying to come off as. you simply just had a lot of love for the boy that you weren’t really ready to confess yet.

but for matt? he didn’t see your clinginess as a good thing, in fact he began to hate it once nick pointed it out.

on one particular day matt decided to bring it up to his brothers while they were in nick’s room.

“i just don’t get it, like she’s just always there.” matt says while pacing around the room.

“is that a bad thing?” nick asks while organizing the clothes in his closet.

“i mean it wouldn’t be if she didn’t act like im some sort of child.” matt sighed while plopping down at the edge of the bed.

“i dunno, i’d love to have someone like y/n. she literally does everything for you bro.” chris laughs while slightly nudging matt.

“yeah..” nick yells from his closet. “don’t know why you’re bitchin’ bout it she’s literally helps you with like…” nick took a pause to think. “everything!”

matt scoffs before shaking his head. “yeah well it’s nice before it gets fucking unbearable.”

unbeknownst to matt, you could hear this whole conversation. you had came to drop off some food for the triplets, and since you had an extra key you went straight in. now you would’ve made yourself known until you realized you were the topic of their conversation.

to say you were hurt from matts words was an understatement. you quickly rushed out of the house, tears streaming down your face recounting every scenario where you were overbearing.

-

hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. matt hadn’t heard from you in a while. he expected to wake up to your daily morning texts, but nothing. after he shrugged that off he expected you to come over like you usually did. but once again, you didn’t.

he found himself longing for your presence more than he ever did.

you both went no contact until you came over, seeking nicks assistance since you had a date that night in hopes that your little crush on matt would subside.

you had went the whole time without speaking to the brunette. opting for a simple ‘hey’. matt was confused. why were you suddenly so distant? sure he wanted space at times but this is not what he had in mind.

matt finally snapped when you attempted rushing out their house, bidding matt goodbye with a meek ‘see ya’.

matt rose from his spot on the catch before making his way towards you. “are you gonna tell me what’s going on, or are you gonna keep avoiding me?” matt said while crossing his arms on his chest.

you could only roll your eyes before slipping your shoes on. “i dont know what you’re talking about, but i have to go.” you spat harshly before spinning on your heel.

“woah, what’s up with you?” matt yelled, shocked at your sudden anger towards him. he pulled you back by your wrist so you could face him.

“y’know if you found me ‘overbearing’ you could’ve just told me.”

thats when everything came back to matt. instant regret washed over him as he gazed upon your solemn expression. the same eyes that used to hold so much adoration for him now hollow.

“i’m so sorry y/n. i know theres no excuse to what i said but i was just being stupid.” matt sighed while running a hand down his face. “you’re far from overbearing, in fact i...i really miss you.”

“really?” you mumbled while your facial expression softened. matt nodded before embracing you in a tight hug to which you reciprocated by wrapping your arms around his waist. your date long forgotten.

“you’re amazing the way you are, and im sorry if i made it seem any other way.”

you smiled at matts words before leaning up to look at him. “just tell me next time, okay?” matt smiled and lightly pecked the side of your temple. happy to have finally gotten you back.

the version of you he loved.

and the version of you he would always cherish.

-

A/N: sorry this should’ve came out yesterday but i had to study for an exam. i have also been experiencing writers block but i have a new matt series in mind so stay on the look out for that!

tags:

@junnniiieee07 @tillies33ssss @whore4matt @stellarsturns @summerl986 @inveigledvex @beccaluvschris @stingerayyy2 @bunnysturns @braindead4l @vickyzloserz @sturnzsblog

[nmakii]

omg bachira, isagi, tetchou and dazai with an autistic s/o PLEASE

if you will , make them headcanons ^^ hope you have a wonderhoy day !!

hello, my alien. we’re each other’s mystery

— bachira + isagi + tetchou + dazai x autistic!s/o

so basically all of them x me i see.. i feel like i fucked up on isagi i cant pinpoint his personality ugh. debut into bllk omg im shy hi reentry into bsd too haha if u guys were active in 2022 i think i am familiar. WAIT NOTE AB THE TITLE… LISTEN TO FRIENDS BY BTS IM NOT ABLEIST ITS SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE :(

— bachira meguru

lets be honest he is also a bit autistic…

very hard to be around when you’re overstimmed ngl… he tries to tone it down when he knows you cant handle too much at the moment. but it’s hard for him to just dial the craziness to 50 😞

oh, very good though at getting you out of social situations. he can slip the two of you out of a party like it’s nobody’s business, cause it is nobody’s business :x

hes also a bit of a wild card too if you’re obsessive about having a routine. he’s a free spirit, so having to do things the same way is a bit of a chore.

when you go non-verbal, he brings out a notebook that you two write your conversations on. he doesn’t actually have to write it down. he can communicate just fine, but he likes to write them down as a memento of your relationship.

he alsoooo likes listening to you yap about your special interest! very attentive, you’d think that you’re a professor and he’s your student at how the flow of your conversation is going

“huh— where did bachira and s/o go..?” isagi asked. he turned around, looking for the two of you after the sudden realization that he was abandoned in the middle of the buffet line…

bachira pulled you out, and in an abandoned hall. he noticed you suddenly started plugging your ears.

‘you ok sunshine? :( is the music too loud?’

‘a little bit… i just wanna get away for like 5 min..’

‘hehe, dont worry. ill stay with you （╹◡╹） <3’

‘ty meg :) <3’

bachira smiled as he saw your hand-drawn emoticon. the two of you doodled all over the notebook while he hummed until you were ready to return.

isagi groaned as he saw the two of you reenter. “you guys..! you should’ve told me if you were gonna sneak away!” bachira stuck out his tongue, making a silly expression. “oops! it just slipped my mind!” he snickered.

— isagi yoichi

with the geniuses he has to keep up with, you’re a total walk in the park for him ;p

mega caretaker, he’s super good at protecting you in uncomfortable environments. i feel like he has a weighted blanket somewhere in his room to cover you with, cause he knows it makes you feel safe.

he lowk overprotective sometimes though. he knows his friends like bachira and raichi are a bit more on the raucous side, so he doesn’t hang out with them when he’s with you until like… 2 years into your relationship (they lowk didnt even know he had a partner). in those two years, he only introduced you to his peaceful friends like nagi, hiori, iemon, and kuon

he doesn’t fight you too much about if you have a routine. he has a luck routine and his spacial awareness makes him really meticulous about how things happen, so he’s gets your struggle :x

he tried learning sign language. he really tried… but there was so much signs; for an entire month, his search history was ‘how do i say [thing] in sign language’

he ended up only learning the alphabet, numbers, and basic words like please and hungry. now when you go non-verbal, he simply just opens his notes app for you to type ;p

he, like bachira, loves your yap. its like his personal podcast fr. he likes to let you sit on the kitchen counter and yap, while he washes dishes. he also likes putting on wireless headsets and listen to your voice messages while he practices, or works out at the gym.

“are you absolutely sure you wanna meet them?” isagi asks. “babe, theyre my friends, but theyre also kind of annoying.” he warns you. of course he meant it lovingly… you nod. “yup! they’re your friends, yoi. i wanna meet them..!”

he sighs and nods. “fine… don’t say i didn’t warn you…” he opens the door. you recognize kunigami, he’s talking with chigiri. “isagi! there you areee~!” a boy with a bob-cut hums. “ah, bachira… this is s/o.” isagi points to you. “ooh~! nice to meet you! im bachira meguru. so you’re the one isagi’s been hiding?”

“don’t overwhelm them too much…” isagi sighs, he pulls you away carefully, bringing you in kunigami’s direction. if you settled in with people you were already acquainted with, then you should probably adjust better. that was isagi’s conclusion. “if any of them pester you, just tell me, okay?”

you nod, a bit saddened at your’s and bachira’s conversation’s sudden end. “im not a kid, yoi. you don’t have to worry over me or anything.” isagi frowns. “hnn… i just don’t want my friends overstimulating you. they might be too much for you, babe.” he explains. at that moment, igaguri suddenly yelled out at gagamaru for taking one of his gyozas, making you instinctively cover your ears.

“seeee?” he points out. “okay… point taken… but, i can still deal with it. if im uncomfortable, ill just tell you, okay?” you offer, trying to compromise. isagi looks around, weighing the possibilities before nodding. “finee…”

that day actually went quite well, you were able to keep up with all of them without getting overstimulated. that night, isagi had his face in his pillow, his face being that of death and grief. ‘they dont need me anymore… theyre gonna end up hanging out with my friends more than me…’ he mumbles.

— tetchou suehiro

another lowk might be autistic (but in a diff way)

he isnt too sure about what to do when you’re overstimmed. so, he usually just takes you to a quiet place and sits down with you until you’re calmer.

hes hella conflicted on whether or not he should introduce you to the hunting dogs. his line of work is pretty dangerous after all, and his co-workers aren’t exactly… pacifists 💀

he ends up deciding not to though. worst comes to worst, he just introduces you 5 years in to your relationship— thats what he thinks.

he doesnt mind your routine. he, himself, is pretty eccentric, so you two are just okay with each other’s quirks :x

tetchou doesnt care when you go non-verbal. lol. okay joke, its more like, he’s also very quiet, he doesn’t even actually notice that you two havent talked to each other for 14 hours.

but when the two of you are talking, he is still as quiet as ever. it’s usually you yapping and tetchou asking questions once in a while. never though, does he ever interrupt you when you talk; always waits for you to finish what you’re saying so you dont lose your train of thought 🫡

tetchou spreads some spicy ranch on his pancakes. it was a pretty good combo. he sat at the dining table, as he heard your alarm clock ring.

first thing you do when you wake up, stretch then use the bathroom. tetchou has your routine memorized by now. second, have cereal for breakfast. third, get dressed. fourth, check if your bag has everything you need. he continues his own routine, and you complete yours, until it’s time to head to work.

you’re double, triple, quadruple checking your bag, making sure you didn’t leave anything. tetchou finished lacing up the strings of his boots before he rises back. “ready for work?” he asks, taking his own little peek into your bag.

“uhuh” you nod. tetchou hums, noticing the charger you left on the counter, and slipping it into your bag. “now you are…”. you gasp, “so that’s what i forgot… thank you, chou..” you say. his deep voice vibrates in his throat as he leans in and kisses you, “stay safe. call me if you need anything.” you wrap your arms around his neck.

last part of your routine, hug and kiss tetchou before leaving for work.

— osamu dazai

he lowk adhd u feel?

when youre overstimmed, he lets you lay on his shoulder while he pats your back and brushes your hair. times like this are his personal favorites, it’s when the world is quiet and no one but you and him exists.

defdefdef introduces you to the ADA members. he finds you similar to kyoka, and always encourages you to hang out with her.

adding on that, he sort of sees akutagawa in you… is akutagawa also autistic? hmm… either way, hes a criminal! he cant let his partner interact with a criminal! — the criminal says after diner dashing again.

the routine thing doesnt really work for dazai either… it’s either you break up with him or let him wake up at 4:00 to eat noodles and rearrange the layout of his dorm, bestie… (just leaves his pot in the sink btw, he a bum like that)

actually knows sign language! dont ask me why he knows, bc i dunno either. he just does :x

he also loves to listen to your yap. actual yapper x yapper. you two’s conversations are lowk exhausting though. you both interrupt each other and talk until you’re both breathless. HAHAHAAH

sluuuuuuurp!

you’re waken up by the loud, really gross, squelching sounds of dazai’s saucy noodles as he slurps them up. the sound is uncomfortable— really uncomfortable.

“s—samu… dont… too loud…” you groan, trying to cover your ears. dazai perks up, “ah, did i wake you..? awh, im sorry, dear..!” he apologizes. even though dazai truly meant it, for some reason it just sounded like sarcasm. “uhuh… j…just dont do it again… trying to sleep…” you hum. “got it… go back to sleep, sweets”

for the rest of the night, you sleep well. dazai makes sure to remain veeeery quiet, taking bites of his noodles rather than slurping, carrying his feet, and using all of his hidden muscles to carry his bookshelf. maybe if he keeps doing this, he wont look so lanky anymore.

at around 6:30, you finally wake up again, your surroundings completely different, and you start to panic. “wh—h..huh..?” you look around. dazai’s in the closet, rolling all of his empty beer bottles into it. “hi, baby! just decided to tidy up a bit. you like?” he asks

tidy up? “tidy up, my ass..! all of your stuff is in different places..! i have to relearn my way around your dorm all over again..!” you complain. “hehe… it was for a good cause! you have your own space now in here!” he grins, opening the second to the bottom drawer in his dresser. it was tidied up, and empty.

“for me?” you ask. “mmhm.” he confirms with a hum. even though dazai was quite lazy, stubborn, and annoying, he really put effort into making you happy. just you.

[yanyandam]

It's me again 😩 will you indulge me again?? Like a scenario where hanma realizes he's falling for you and how he deals with it (I'd imagine he wouldn't know how to handle it). I appreciate youu!! 💖

HIII dw i love getting requests. I did my best here, tbh i dont really know how he would DEAL with it but i just knew it'd be pretty random. BTW THIS IS PRETTY SHORTTT but i have a lot of projects ongoing

CALL THE 911, I THINK A GANGSTER JUST FELL IN LOVE- Hanma Shuji

For years now, you had known Hanma. Well, “known” was a strong word. You weren’t friends. You weren’t close. Hell, you weren’t even acquaintances. At best, you were just two people who happened to exist in the same city. But still, his presence was impossible to ignore. You were a rebellious girl, a troublemaker. You ran in the same streets he did, sometimes crossing paths with him in the tangled mess of Kabukicho’s underworld. A glance. A smirk. A shared laugh once, maybe twice. Nothing more, nothing less. Because at the end of the day, he was no one to you. Just another delinquent, just another street rat clawing his way through the filth of Tokyo’s underground. Just the Reaper of Kabukicho. A stray dog, like the rest of them.

—

Tonight was the autumn festival. The night was alive with color, lanterns swaying gently in the crisp autumn breeze, casting flickering shades of gold and red across the crowded festival grounds. The air smelled of grilled meat, soy sauce, and the sweet, burnt aroma of candied apples. Laughter mixed with the sound of taiko drums, the chaotic energy of the festival making the streets feel smaller, more cramped, more alive.

And Hanma? Hanma was fucking bored.

He walked through the crowd like a stray dog, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his loose pants, his sharp, lazy gaze scanning the sea of people with disinterest. He hadn’t even wanted to be here, but the idea of spending the night doing absolutely nothing had somehow seemed even worse. Besides, he was hungry, and he had exactly zero yen on him. So when he spotted you standing at one of the food stalls, dressed up like some old-school festival girl in a proper kimono, he saw an opportunity.

He smirked to himself, cracking his knuckles idly as he approached from behind, moving through the crowd like a shadow.

“Hey.” His voice, deep and smooth yet carrying that usual bored, detached tone, cut through the noise. You jumped. He watched with amusement as you turned sharply, your startled eyes widening before settling on him, a lanky, towering bastard who looked completely out of place amidst the festival-goers. His outfit? An absolute ‘fuck you’ to the entire concept of dressing appropriately. White t-shirt, simple pants, and flip-flops. Because why the hell would he care? He could’ve shown up in nothing but boxers and still not given a shit.

He barely acknowledged your reaction before his gaze dragged over your attire, eyes flicking up and down with something caught between amusement and mockery. “What the hell are you wearing? You look even more ridiculous than usual.” His words were calm, casual, and punctuated by that lazy smirk of his, like he was barely holding back laughter.

You scoffed, crossing your arms. “It’s called being in the theme, Shuji.” The smirk dropped. His eyes darkened, and that lazy amusement in his face vanished in an instant, replaced by something sharper.

“You know, it’s pretty fucking rude to use my first name when we’re not even close.”

You grinned. "Okay then, Shuji." A sharp laugh burst out of him, an almost delighted glint flashing through his golden eyes before he clicked his tongue. “Shit, you really don’t give a fuck, huh?” He couldn’t say it didn’t amuse him. Ah, thank god you were a woman. Either way you’d already be in hell by now. Hanma leaned in slightly, towering over you with that ever-present smirk. His presence was suffocating, not in the romantic way, but in the way that made you feel like you had just cornered yourself into some kind of trap without even realizing it. He flicked a glance at the steaming food you had just bought, his stomach grumbling slightly. His lazy expression barely changed, but his intentions were clear. “Hey, buy me something.”

You blinked. “What?”

“You heard me. I’m starving. Gimme some food.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Why the hell would I do that?”

He shrugged, as if the answer should’ve been obvious. “‘Cause I asked nicely.”

“That wasn’t nice.”

He grinned, the kind of grin that made it impossible to tell whether he was actually amused or just thinking about how easy it’d be to fuck with you for the rest of the night. Then, without warning, he snatched the stick of dango straight from your hands, popping one of the sweet, sticky rice balls into his mouth before you could even react. “Oh wow, thanks. You’re so generous.”

Your jaw dropped. “You asshole!”

“What? You weren’t gonna finish it anyway.” You were. You absolutely were. But Hanma just kept chewing, acting as if stealing food was the most normal, natural thing in the world.

“You know, you could just do the smart thing and buy me my own.” He tilted his head, watching your expression with something smug. “Or, I could just start robbing every single thing you try to eat tonight. Your choice.”

You clenched your jaw, debating whether smacking the damn stick out of his hand would be worth the risk of starting some kind of festival brawl, although that would be synonym of suicide. But then, an idea. “Fine,” you said sweetly, reaching into your sleeve. Hanma’s smirk grew as he watched you pull out your wallet. “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” And then you threw a single, shiny five-yen coin at his chest. It bounced off uselessly, landing on the ground between his feet.

Hanma slowly looked down at the coin.

Then, back up at you. For a moment, you swore you saw something absolutely feral flicker behind his eyes.

Oh!

He laughed. Loud. The kind of laugh that turned a few festival-goers’ heads, that made people uneasy, as if they had just heard something they shouldn’t have. “You’ve got a fucking death wish, huh?”

You smiled sweetly. "Guess I do."

If Hanma was bored before, he sure as hell wasn’t now. The night was no longer about scamming free food or passing the time, it was about you. About seeing how far he could push you, how much of his shit you’d tolerate before snapping, how much trouble you’d let him drag you into before realizing it was a mistake. You were dumb enough to play along. Hanma didn’t just follow you around after that. Every time you stopped at a stall, he’d be right there, making some dry, sarcastic remark about whatever you were trying to buy. He stole food off your plate. He rummaged through your bag when you weren’t looking just to see what dumb shit you carried around. At one point, he "accidentally" bumped into some dude while pretending to be distracted, just to see if you’d stick around when things got messy. You did. Unfortunately. Dumbass.

He was the literal embodiment of chaos, and you had somehow ended up stuck with him for the rest of the festival. You weren’t entirely sure you minded.

Because as much as Hanma was an egoistic, reckless, adrenaline-junkie freak who got off on pushing people’s buttons…Something about the way he smirked at you, the way his sharp, violet eyes glinted with real amusement, real interest, made it feel like maybe, just maybe, you were more than just another distraction to him. Maybe tonight, you were his favorite one.

The game was still on.

Hanma had spent the last hour stealing bites of your food, making crude jokes, seeing how much shit he could pull before you either snapped or walked away. But you never did. Instead, you kept pushing back. Talking back. Challenging him in ways most people wouldn’t dare. It wasn’t that you didn’t know who he was, because you did. You knew his reputation, knew he wasn’t just some dumbass punk but an actual menace. And yet, you never flinched. He liked that.

But did he love it? Oh my god, did someone say ‘love’? That word? No. That wasn’t in the equation. Not yet.

That moment, that sick, twisted realization, came later.

It happened at one of those dumb festival game stalls. The kind where the prizes were cheap, colorful crap no one actually needed. Some stuffed animals, little plastic toys, a few random trinkets that looked like they’d break within a week. Hanma wasn’t paying much attention, until you picked up a mask. A demon mask. The kind with sharp fangs, hollowed-out eyes, painted red and black like something straight out of a nightmare. You put it on without hesitation, adjusting the strings behind your head before turning to face him. A slow, unsettling grin spread across his face. “Well, well. Didn’t know you had a thing for looking like a fucking psychopath.”

You tilted your head, voice slightly muffled behind the mask. “Funny. You don’t seem scared.”

His smirk widened. “You know me, sweetheart. Fear’s not really my thing.”

You stepped closer. Too close. Your face, or rather, the demon mask, was just inches from his, the hollow eyes staring him down like a challenge. And then, in the most calm, quiet voice, you said: “That’s the problem with you, Shuji. You think you don’t feel fear. But I bet you do. I bet there’s something out there that makes your heart race in a way you don’t like. You just haven’t met it yet.”

Hanma just stood there. Still smirking, still looking down at you with that usual amusement, but for the first time in a long time, he actually felt something flicker in his chest. Something weird. Because the way you said itn it wasn’t teasing. It wasn’t some dumb joke or a casual taunt. It was a fact. A statement so solid and unshakable that for a split second, it felt like you weren’t just talking about him. You were predicting him. And he fucking hated it. Because for once, the thrill that rushed through him wasn’t from adrenaline. It wasn’t from a fight. It wasn’t from danger. It wasn’t from violence or chaos or watching someone squirm.

It was from you.

The way you stood there, unshaken. The way your voice was calm but sharp. The way you wore that demon mask like it was the most natural thing in the world, like you weren’t just wearing it, you were becoming it. It was hot. Not just hot. It was terrifyingly, addictively fascinating. For the first time in forever, Hanma felt like he had just lost a round of his own game. He liked it.

And that was the moment he knew.

That sick, twisted realization that hit him like a drug. He wanted more. More of this. More of you. More of whatever the hell had just happened in that split second, because if there was anyone out there who could actually fuck with his head, it was you. Hanma loved a good mindfuck.

Maybe he fell because you made him feel something he wasn’t supposed to. Something that almost felt like fear, but worse. Love was so much worse.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by your voice. “Shuji, you comin’ or no?”

He didn’t speak.

“Damn Shuji, you’re getting too soft!”

Oh oh, call 911. A gangster just fell in love.

Hanma fucking hated it. That weird, sinking feeling in his chest, the one that wasn’t excitement, wasn’t adrenaline, wasn’t the usual thrill of wrecking shit just to see what happens. It was soft. It was slow. It didn’t go away. Every time he looked at you, every time you smirked at him, talked back, threw his own chaos right back in his face, it crept up again. This fucked-up warmth that made his fingers twitch, made his usual cocky remarks feel forced, made him want to grab you by the jaw and shut you up with something reckless just to feel normal again. But he didn’t.

Instead, he laughed it off. Pretended it wasn’t there. Drowned it in fights, in cheap thrills, in anything that made his pulse race fast enough to confuse it for something else.

Because Hanma didn’t do soft. He didn’t do love. You were turning him into a goddamn liar.

[ghostieyanyan]

One are you okay with writing NSFW and to please I beg of you more demon riddle I'd love him there is not enough content of him I love my sassy little gay man who would probably step on me if I stepped out of line

(can I be ♦️annon?)

~What's that little mouse?~

Yan!Demon!Riddle x mc

Warnings: yandere, demon, kidnapped/imprisoned, implied punishment

Yes you can be ♦️annon!!

And about the NSFW Writing, if I were to write it out, idk if I should do it on patreon (because patreon was a way for me to not get those "im underage and-" comments). i think what I'll do is post suggestive content (stories/writing) and you could get the full in patreon.

But im also worried on how to write them~~ (in, out, in, out) i'll try tho!!

Also im so happy how this came out!!! the drawing mainly lol

~~~

You were laying in Riddle's bed, staring at the ceiling. That's all you could really do...

Riddle was off for one of his house warden meetings and wouldn't be back for some time... you could try to escape...? But you knew it'll leave you more empty then if you just stayed.

You were stuck in Riddle's kingdom... if you even peeked outside, Riddle had order his card knights and report anything and everything they see you doing. Riddle will discipline you for just "looking at the roses on the top floor."

"You could have waited for me, I'd walk you there myself. You have to understand how dangerous it is for you out there... "

You turned to get in a comfier spot. Riddle did bring you thinks to do.. but could you imagine what he thinks are "fun things to do" in this room? He mainly just gave you school textbooks or books for academics...

"Thanks Riddle's mom... You've created a monster..."

"Haha!! just you wait to see her in person, she's much worst."

You didn't have to look at who it was. like clock work, Trey came in with your lunch. Riddle had you on a strict schedule and he order everyone in Heartslaybul to follow them.

~ you have an hour of walking around the garden while being guarded by 10 card soldiers.

~ you must have tea time at 4

~ you must wake up at 7 and sleep at 9

just to name a few..

you heard the clicks of the dishes that Trey has made for you..

"Please come to the table, Riddle will not be happy if he finds a crumb in your bed, heh."

"im not hungry..."

Trey sighs and walked to the bed . he sat down and started to rub your back.

"come on~ you know you'll get in trouble if you dont eat. I'll have to tell Riddle~"

you felt you blood boil. the worst part of trey taking care of you is that he knows how to handle little kids. So sometimes when Trey knows that you want to break a rule. he'll taunt you like your a kid..

You hear Trey sigh and stand up.

"I give the you the time for me to put everything back onto the tray and walk out that door. and when i do walk out that door, you'll not have lunch and i'll have to tell Riddle."

you didn't respond and watched as trey walked away. slowly placing each dish, back onto the trap, and heading to they door. he looked back at you, to give you another chance...

you just huffed and turned the other way.

you didnt even realized that you were holding your breathe until you heard the door click close and you let out a sigh..

you were in for it now...

~

It was late, Riddle should have been back now…

You felt the uneasiness in your stomach… You just wanted all of this to end. To be back where you were, without Riddle.

You were about to fall asleep but you were interrupted by a door slamming open. You jumped from where you were on the bed and looked at the door.

There was Riddle, a very unhappy Riddle.

~~~

~~~

[wordpress-blaze-221137359]

Mao Saigo Wins a Thriller in Houston

Mao Saigo, the 23-year old from Japan who won the 2024 Louise Suggs Rolex Rookie of the Year Award won her first-career major at the Chevron Championship in a playoff.

It is a bit difficult to concisely breakdown the chaotic finish to the 2025 Chevron Championship, played at the Club at Carlton Woods. The playoff included major champions Ariya Jutanugarn, Hyo Joo Kim and Ruoning Yin, plus two players looking for first-career victories in Lindy Duncan and Saigo.

Saigo got to the playoff despite some massive struggles on the day. She shot +2, bringing the leading score down from -9 to -7. She came in clutch when it mattered most though, making a putt of decent length for birdie on 18 to work her way into the mix.

Hyo Joo Kim got into the playoff doing what she does best, playing solid, not flashy golf. She hit all 13 fairways and had all pars from hole nine to the finish. She shot -2 for the day.

Lindy Duncan, at one point, looked to be in good position, but everything went wrong on hole 15, leading to back-to-back bogeys that set her back. She shot +1 for the day even though she had four birdies in regulation.

Ruoning Yin brought the flash with some terrific shot making down the stretch that led to a birdie on 18. At the time it didn't seem that score would hold but her -1 round was good enough to keep her in contention.

Finally, we get to two-time major champion Ariya Jutanugarn. Jutanugarn looked poised to win on 18, sitting next to the par 5 green in two shots, holding a one-stroke lead. She duffed her chip though, not even advancing it much more than a yard. After a chip long, she missed her par putt, opening everyone up.

While Lindy Duncan effectively took herself out of the playoff with a poor third shot, everyone else seemed in play. Especially after Yin, the only one to hit the green in two, ran an eagle putt well past. Kim, Jutanugarn and Yin though all missed their birdie putts, clearing the way for Saigo to tap her short putt in for the win.

Saigo is the third player to win a major playing under the Japanese flag in the last five majors. Only two had ever done so previously.

Source: Mao Saigo Wins a Thriller in Houston

[planet-dusk]

hybrids!!!! kitty (or even tiger? bobcat?) minho... ive talked about him before on my blog but he gets so angry :< when you smell different when you come home. he definitely makes sure you smell like him again very quickly! sometimes that means he needs to fuck you, too !! if you're dripping in his cum, that means everyone knows you're taken, right? i dunno, possessiveness and minho are just hot always.

hamster hybrid jisungie is so so cute to think about it's actually so soft !! imagine his soft little ears :( i dont have any hard thoughts about that but yeah

what if hamster!hanji is your roommate, and your new boyfriend minho hates smelling him on you. he doesn't say it out loud but his actions speak volumes. the disdain's visible on his face whenever you turn up wearing one of jisung's old sweaters.

is he jealous? you're not sure, and frankly you don't really care... not when it means he'll fuck you so hard you can barely walk home the next day.

but jisung's less than happy with this new arrangement. you assure him minho's not dangerous and would never harm a fly, but hanji's instincts set off all his internal alarms whenever you return practically dripping with your tiger's scent. terror. fear. thrill. something musky and dark that has him gripping his own cock at night, scenes of your fluffy bunny ears and minho's sharp claws playing out against the inside of his eyelids...

determined to make this work, you set up a date so the two can meet. a casual dinner at a public place (better safe than sorry). you're nervous; what if they don't like each other? jisung keeps telling you he'll be fine, it just takes some time for him to get used to large predators. that's all there is to it. look - he's friends with chan, too. he and the wolf hybrid are almost inseparable. he can handle a tiger.

when minho enters it takes you all but a few seconds to realize your mistake. the tilt of his head, the glint in his eyes when they flick from you to jisung and back; minho's not jealous. he's hungry. not the kind of hunger that can be sated with raw steak and pudding, no: the kind of hunger that ends with his face between your thighs and your fingers tugging on his copper hair.

next to you, jisung squirms in his seat.

"so, you're the famous roommate i've heard so much about. it's a pleasure to finally meet you —" a lick of his lips, pretty pout turning into a predatory grin as he shakes jisung's hand, "— in the flesh."

[bedoballoons]

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ✿𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ✿─

{༻~They said something they didn't mean~༺}

A/n: Angsty! Hurtful things said, tons of apologies and crying! No comfort in the end.. Sorry :p

Requests/asks open!!

(Includes: Diluc, Albedo, Alhaitham, Xiao and Scaramouche)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Diluc:

You could tell Diluc was annoyed, his hands clenched into tight fists and his face red with anger, his eyes had a rage behind them you'd never seen before...and it kinda scared you. You internally contemplated wether it would be better to leave him be or ask if he needed anything...but sadly...you didn't get the chance to decide.

"Are you just going to stare?" His voice held such a hurtful tone and it made you wonder if you'd been standing there longer than you thought..."I-" You tried but he shot you a look that instantly made you go quiet, "Just leave me alone. I don't need you bothering me right now, I deal with that enough already." His words struck you so harshly, it was like you'd just been slapped in the face...tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

It only took him a split second to realize what he said and instantly afterwords he started to apologize, "Oh no...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that. You're not bothersome...I-"

𑁍༄Albedo:

Albedo was busy working away in his lab, writing down the various answers of his experiments and perfecting his craft as per usual. Him being busy though wasn't really anything new to you, usually when he found a particularly interesting answer to something he'd get engrossed in it for a long time and you'd usually have to bring him food cause he's forget to eat, and wrap a blanket around him just in case he got cold.

He always seemed to appreciate the thought in your actions...today however he seemed frustrated with them, when you brought him food he said he wasn't hungry and when you attempted to cover him up with a blanket, he shrugged it off, letting it fall onto the ground. You were just about to leave the lab, let him be since that seemed to be what he wanted...when he snapped at you. "Could you please just get out of my way, I have very important things I'm working on and you're not helping."

You went completely silent at his words...all you had tried to do was take care of him like usual...you hadn't meant to get in the way of anything. You felt your eyes watering and quickly muttered a apology, "I'm sorry...I'll get out of your way."

Albedos head shot up as you spoke, realizing not only what you had just said...but how hurtful his own words had been, guilt instantly filled him as he attempted to stop you from leaving. "Wait no...I didn't mean...you're not in my way. I was just busy and I hadn't realised what I said, I'm so sorry, please dont leave...don't go..."

𑁍༄Alhaitham:

Alhaitham was incredibly intelligent, there was zero argument about that and honestly it amazed you, most of the time. Sometimes he'd unintentionally make you feel...like you weren't smart enough and it wasn't like he had tried to on purpose...it was just the way his words had sounded. You have always tried your best to not take it personally...but on a bad day, sometimes it was inevitable.

"Alhaitham? You need anything? Can I help at all?" You asked him, his eyes concentrated on a book about the akademiyas history and his mind deep in thought, to the point you weren't even sure he had heard you, so you asked again. "Alhaithamm? Do you want anything? Is there anyway I can help youuu?" This time you got his attention, his eyes shifting to you with a look of pure annoyance.

"I heard you the first time, I just didn't answer. This isn't something you'd understand, not unless you've doubled your IQ over night...and no I don't need anything." You stepped back, feeling hurt by his words, more than you had in a long time..."I'm sorry...you didn't answer so I thought maybe you hadn't heard me..." You felt so small as you spoke...so stupid...

His eyes narrowed at the sight of your unhappiness, reconsidering what he said but not truly understanding what he had said wrong "My apologies...I've upset you again..."

𑁍༄Xiao:

You knew Xiao would always protect you, honestly it seemed even if you got a paper cut he'd attempt to shred the paper to pieces, making it so it couldn't hurt you again. Obviously, from that alone, he could be a little...over protective. Which wasn't really a bad thing untill he started to worry about hurting you himself, wether it was by his charmic debt or loosing control of his own being, the idea ate at him, to the point it was becoming problematic.

"Xiao calm down, your charmic debt has never really affected me before and I have my full faith in you...you're not going to hurt me. I know that... please you should know that too." You spoke in a soft tone, trying your best to comfort your boyfriend who continued to inch away from you... as if he would hurt you just from being near you. "I want to...I want to know that I'd never hurt you, but I can't. I'm unable to control myself and if anything ever happened to you..because of me, I'd never be able to forgive myself." He was deep in despair and you wanted so badly to comfort him, so you took a step closer.

"Xiao..." You sighed, reaching your hand out to him, but he pulled away, "Don't. Maybe it would be better for you to just...go away." His words knocked the wind out of you, it was like the air had suddenly become unbreathable...he didn't mean that did he? "What..." His eyes met yours and for a split second it was like he wanted to take it back...but he couldn't. "Leave."

𑁍༄Scaramouche:

(I use the nickname Scara here ^-^)

You looked into Scaramouches eyes, your own anger not coming close to the rage he was feeling, but you were used to this, the two of you would argue, with him acting ruder than usual, but you always made up in the end. "Scara just admit you were wrong okay! Once you do, we can end our argument and get back to work!" You already felt tired of yelling, it had barely been two minutes and you wanted so desperately for it to stop.

"I wasn't wrong and I'm still not! Love isn't a real thing, it's a idea people tell themselves is real because they don't want to feel alone!" His words annoyed you, if what the two of you had wasn't love then what was it?? "But you love me! So obviously that's a bold faced lie!" Your heart was racing, what would he say next? If he said the wrong thing...would you two not be able to make up?

"I don't love you, honestly how could I when you're just a mortal and I have the power of a god!" And just like that all your fight left you...he said it...he said he didn't love you and it broke your heart..."I-" You started, but your voice cracked and despite trying to keep strong, tears threatened to fall from your eyes.

Scara watched you intently, wondering if he'd went to far...his face softened and he stepped towards you, "I didn't mean that...", but you didn't want to listen. You looked away from him, moving backwards so he was farther away from you. "Shit....I'm sorry...I love you..I promise I..."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚Have a nice day!*⁠.⁠✧

[arsenicosises]

things to do when u realize u feel shitty

so i have alexithymia (emotional blindness or challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions) and i often dont realize why, whats causing me to feel that way, or even if its mental or physical shittiness. so here are things i try to do to reset.

so the first step is obviously realizing the feeling at first, is your brain making you feel bad about yourself? do you feel like theres no point in doing things? do you feel stuck? or has there been any drastic change in energy in a short time? these may look different for you, but learning to notice even something as small as do i feel Good or Bad, you dont need to get caught up in what specifically it is.

FIRST and foremost, medications. did you take your meds? vitamins? please do so if you can. if you've missed the time window that you are meant to or cant for another reason, no guilt please, its ok we all forget.

move! change locations. even if its just where you are sitting in bed from one side to the other and sit up if you can. i try to move to my desk chair. sometimes just sitting up can change the way you feel drastically.

this could also mean move as in take a walk around your room, stand up on your phone instead of laying down.

do a Task, or Activity. copy a journal spread from pinterst even if it takes like 3 hours. write some lists, make a bracelet, play a game. focus on something you like. very cliche advice i know but its great to allow yourself to do something you like.

get a snack/water. unfortunately hydration is important even tho its annoying. make it super cold, put some lemon or mint in there if you want. its all about making it a) more fun and b) different sensory experiences. if you are hungry go down a mental list of most to least effort meal and find what you can do (cook from sratch, add stuff to ramen, eat it plain, get a handful of nuts or fruits, etc)

open the curtains/blinds, let the outside in a bit. even if its dark out open them and look around and close again.

face feels gross? do some level of skincare, exfoliate your lips and put on some vasesline, brush and floss your teeth (love floss picks). if you have bangs wash them in the sink.

if weather + mental permits, go outside. even for 2 seconds to look at it

shower=full reset and rebirth. not a bath, a shower. let the water hit you and soak your hair. do as full of a shower as you can. use so much moisturizer (if you can) with a scent you love. sensory goodness is very helpful. this usually works for me to pull me out. often the reason why i feel shitty is actually just me not realizing my hair is dirty, or i need alone time, etc which is acheived by showering.

aligned with that, put on new clothes, either comfortable and lounge clothes that are good sensory, or you need a new fun outfit because you have been wearing the current one for too long and its irritating you in a way you dont notice.

clean something, same as the food go from most to least effort and find out what you can do. organize 1 drawer or your whole house. my go to is usually rearraging my bedside table top and drawer. because for me thats where i keep things like my journal, headphones, letters from friends, body butter, etc its a chance for me to help future me access this little self care station.

make your bed so you have a clean cozy place to lay and sit, unfortunately a made bed is more comfortable

in general, treat yourself like a littel guy, talk to yourself like a toddler even if it feels silly, the part of you that feels bad is basically a toddler throwing a tantrum tbh. silliness is often a precursor to feeling Good. these things feel so so hard but each time you do them despite feeling bad it will get easier i promise you, you will get good at what you practice so practice trying.

if all of these things seem too hard, or you cant do them, the main thing is thats ok too. and if you dont feel 100% better after doing these things, that is also ok. the truth is some days things will be hard and that is your body telling you to relax, or sleep, or that it just wants to have an off day. no day is wasted if you are still here to see it.

(a lot of these tasks can be made easier by doing prep when you are feeling Good, which is part of the reason why i made this list, but i might do another post on prep stuff. )

[lacucarachapisser]

HELLOOO omg i love LOVE love your colin fics n writing style! do you think we can have some colin n detective reader fluff where they're both dating one another and it's just about how their cases for the day are not that serious but since it's easttown it's got to be something weird but funny. probably will seem like a crack fic but it's sooooo colin.

you can decline this request but i hope you know i'll be excited for whatever update you'll have <3

situationship colin zabel x reader

contents : fluff, kinda slowburn, a very tiny hurt comfort i swear, friends to lovers, alcohol, drinking, kissing, mention of slight sex, mention of murder case, night road, i think that was it. 1,5k wc.

a/n : hello anon! thankyou so much for sending me a request. i love love the idea of colleges to lovers the thing about maintaining professionalism and feelings was so interesting. i change it a little because i am slut for plot so i put a sprinkle of hurt-comfort inside. believe me its just a little hehe. i know that my writing is far way beyond your expectation, first of i dont know how to write crack i am so sorry i am literally so unfunny 😭 and i realize that this is colin everything should be awkward so its not that hard cause i am awkward myself. this is not the best but i promise to myself for posting one fics per month so here we are! its getting too long i am so sorry especially for my too basic english and broken grammar. hope you still there to enjoy this! <3

you take a sip of your drink. it enough to calm a flickering amplifier on your brain. alcohol was never an option but in life, we stumbled over such stressful day and those liquid always worked magically. you slump down on your seat, expressionless. colin starts to wonder what episode of mental problems you have now. he moves the wheel quietly and take a quick look to see your flustered face. well, a few times of peeking actually. it’s quite noticeable.

“you alright?” he’d be already guessed that you’re not fine. but hey, asking will always help us to worry less.

“why wouldn’t i be?” you give him forced smile and throw your head back to the headrest and show him the bottle you have held. “you want some?” you tease him, although you would never give him that for sure.

there is a brief moment of silence before he open his mouth to answer. he gives you a quick glance before focusing his attention back to the road. “it’s very unwise of you when i’m practically the one behind the wheel,”

he sounds so frantically serious, albeit you can see how concerned his face was. he had seen you drunk, sober, angry, happy, hungry, good and bad. you’re his partner. you’ve been handling low-high class cases with him almost your life-career and seems like your life has been always revolves around him.

“suit yourself,” you take another sip, eyes out through the foggy windows. the night is pretty young and cold, sort of a perfect time to just snuggling under the blanket and rest your body and mind. but that won’t happen for now.

“i think we should get some place to stay,” you know there is something about him that is pleasurably calming, perhaps because of his caffeinated voice.

“can we get king this time?” you murmur, hesitating to look at his face.

“drunk already?”

“nope.”

this is just another trip with him. wait, why would you even called it a trip at the first place when you literally on a way of casing proof for the sake of the work? but yeah. it happen sometimes. unfortunately you stuck with him. usually you both end up with two queens, straight up sleeping like the dead.

talking about the dead, a murder case that has been assigned to you both been occupying more than a week of your time. this is why you have this trip with colin. trying to solve it by collecting all the crumbs of evidence, discussing all the what if, sharing resources, and driving 6 hours straight just to get a glimpse of the might be culprit. how romantic.

he forced out a slight laugh before giving a deep-throated cough. question, is this some kind of a green light to let each other finally open? you both won’t admit it, every time one of you brought those serious topic, either of you always come up with a cheap joke as coping mechanism.

king size? with him? are you out of your goddamn mind? you playfully tap the bottle with your nails, an attempt at buying time while figuring out what else to say.

“do you think it’s suicide?”

“now we’re working.” he commented, nodding his head without turning his eyes on you.

“my bad. was it supposed to be a date?”

he scoffed and smile. there is a significantly awkward pause. “you tell me, you’re the one who came up with the king.”

“well i didn’t ask you to sleep with me,”

you assume that, he’d be offended. does he? he’s very good at hiding it tho. you take another sip before you laugh. he doesn’t say anything for awhile so you turn towards him and study his face. you wonder if he often thought about you the way you often thought about him.

“would you?”

he chuckles and tilt his head. “what?”

“i won’t ask twice.”

he doesn’t look over you, eyes still on the road. oh man, how easy to get this guy flustered. “would i what? sleeping on the floor and give you the whole space?”

with your partially working brain, you thought that he is asking a rhetorically question, so you say nothing and keep the bottle close to your mouth. because as painful as it is to admit, who are you to complain such refusal, you can not force anything to happen. there’s something between you two —well, that’s what you thought. and so what? you and him have work to do.

“give me that,” colin grabs the bottle from your hand and chug it all up.

“hey i could arrest you, you know?”

“oh yeah?”

you smile at him, so wide you look so stupidly happy that he’d be an asshole if he doesn’t returns it. this was one of rare moment that will never happen again. colin is breaking the rules.

it was a quiet road. not like most of your drive with him had been. case so depressing you both start talking it with telepathy. once awhile you’d ask him to switch seat just to let him get rest a little (definitely not now) but he refused a lot.

“seriously, do you think its suicide?” you try to get back to the convo again.

“i don’t think it’s suicide,”

“because of the little bloodstains?” there is an unintentional disdain in your voice.

“you know what? here’s what. no fingerprints, no sign of anything besides the victim, it’s just planned so well we dug up the deepest possibilities,”

“by checking the little bloodstains,”

“absolutely,”

“out of mosquito,”

“out of mosquito.”

you know that things haven’t been going his way, and he’s been having a bad week —as well as you. hoping the mosquito to save your asses? not gonna lie the only pray you’d chant for now is; jesus, please let the mosquito mean something.

“it’s the only blood we found from the crime scene,” he said.

you’re not sure if he’s a genius or just crazy. part of you wanted to believe that this is the only way out, thereby creating a resoluteness to the possibility of what could have been.

“and what if it’s matched the victim?”

“then i guess we should drink more,”

“who are you and what have you done to my colin zabel?”

he laughs. the laugh you always wanted to hear, the laugh that eased an ache anyone could never soothe, the laugh that feels so comfortable and it makes you simply just happy in no matter conditions. and once again you told yourself it’s nothing? seriously.

he makes a turn to nearest motel. it’s just impossible to continue driving to easttown at this hour. he parked the car and shut the engine, you can feel that he has been arranging some words on his head before finally speak. his both hands still linger on the wheel, and he let his head rest on it while facing you.

“your colin zabel?”

you ready to sip your drink again without hesitation this time, but he took the bottle so that you stop and give your attention fully to him.

“mind to explain?” he slowly put the bottle away and lock his eyes on you.

you don’t want to show him how vulnerable you are right now but you bet that he already caught it. it’s better to pretend tough than busted in some silly way.

“look. i’ll be honest with you and you’ll be honest with me. promise?”

he looks extremely solemn and let out a soft cough and make it even more awkward. “a-are we… um..” he gulped his own saliva before continue. “are we going to discuss our feelings right now?”

“oh god this is gonna be so hard.” you mumble and close your eyes to avoid his semi ridiculous face. you don’t really know whether you want to punch his face with your fist or your lips. what?

“h-hey, i like you.”

WHAT?

“i like you and i do wanna sleep with you.”

your mind goes blank and the next thing you knew, you pressed your lips against his, unable to open your own eyes for a split second afterwards. it was a sweet kiss, you could feel how soft his lips touching yours, delicately playing and carefully undemanding.

his breathing starts to change and you remind yourself that you should take a breath too. you tilt your head a little but it freezes you when he starts holding your neck. it’s crazy how a single touch could affecting everything, not just the butterflies in your stomach but it rewinds all the non sexual forms of intimacy you’ve shared with him. you wonder how you stupidly unaware and decipher all of this thing to nothing.

“do you want me to stop?” he whispers and you get to ultimately open your eyes to witness how hardly he stayed in control by licking his own lips.

“quite the opposite,” a breathless smile appears on your lips before you lean back to his face.

he chuckles before continue to plant a super long kisses on your lips. “we’re totally getting king,”

and yes it took you that long to admit it, to realize, to accept, to tell yourself that it is not nothing. it’s never nothing.

[cosmickid-inmotion]

HAPPY 2K LOVELY YOU DESERVE IT AND SOOO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOO!!!!!!1

anyway

UMMM you know me and you know i would BEG for any TWW crumbs...

pls....pls im so hungry its lonely out here without them please.......

MY BELOVED CLEM!!!

The Wrong Way (Joel Miller X reader)

Takes place around chapter 8, during her pregnancy but before brotherhood bonus chapter (which if you havn't read, it really adds to joel and tommys relationship.)

Sick Day

The moment you woke up, before you even opened your eyes, you knew something was wrong.

You woke up from a nightmare, but that was nothing new. Last nights was... hard. That's for sure. Things had been going so well, the little bump on your stomach swelling so slightly, evidence that you hadn't fucked this up...

You dreamed you miscarried, and Joel was mad at you again. You dreamed you were back in the old room, with your mattress on the floor and the boarded up window, suffering the things you endured before.

You dreamed Joel strung up Zach and skinned him like Nick. You could still smell the blood. Thinking maybe the horror you dreamed of was messing with your stomach, you ignore it. There was too much to be done. Jack had constructed a washboard for you, and you wanted to scrub down all the clothes that hadn't gotten a proper wash in years. You washed them, of course, but this was even better. Also, you actually had enough to make no bake cookies! Lorenzo's birthday was tomorrow, and it's been too hot to bake, so this was perfect. And as always, there was your garden to tend to, your chickens, not to mention cleaning up after the 8 different men living in the house. They were not clean. Except Jack.

Still... there was no harm in laying her for a bit, at least until Joel woke up. Maybe he'd eat you out this morning if you asked nicely... he was quite indulgent with you since the pregnancy.

"Morn'n, little one" He mumbles in your ear, and you smile. Sun was shining in, making for your favorite part of the day. Spending quiet time with Joel. Mornings were just for you and him. Making love was sweet if you did it, conversation was light, if at all. You liked talking to Joel, a lot actually, but something about his quiet strength, his protective arm around you and hand on your stomach, the gentle kisses in your hair...

When it was time to get up, Joel would sit you on the bed naked and look through to closet at the mass of dresses he'd acquired for you. He'd start with your underwear, then socks, knealing at the bed to put them on, then your shoes. Then, he'd stand up up and put on a bra. Finally, Joel would slide the dress over your head, and the smile he gave you when your head popped out always stated your day off right.

The hair. Joel liked to sit you between his legs on the bed, comb through your hair and hum. You liked when he hummed. Most of the time he kept your hair down but sometimes he put a ribbon in. You'd put your handkerchief in your hair when he was out, it was more practical.

You would spend all day waiting for him to get home again.

Joel rocked his hips into you, feeling his bulge up against your ass. He was in his boxers, and although you'd gone to bed in a shirt and a pair of his boxers, you'd pulled them off in the middle of the night when it got hot. Sure, you could've pulled Joel's arm off you too... but you didn't want that.

Now, you realized how hot it had gotten in the room.

"Gonna be warm today" You mumble to him, kissing a vein on his arm. "Dont be out too long. Don't want you getting heat stroke."

There was a pause before he spoke. "Aren't you cold?"

"Hm?" You shift, turning to look at him where he's frowning. "No, it's so hot-" You stop when he presses a hand to your forehead, then jolts up.

"Christ little one, you're burning up."

The way he exits the bed so fast hurt you.

"Joel, Im fine-" You try to insist, standing up to try and stop him while you wrapped the blanket around you body. Not like everyone here except Lorenzo hasn't seen you naked, and you aren't exactly Lorenzo's type. Still, when you stand, a wave of dizziness washed over you and you stumble, eyes crossing as the world unfocuses.

"Shit!" Joel dives to catch you, stopping your pregnant body from falling into a side table. He's gentle as he picks you up and placed you onto the bed, but once again goes to leave. You feel alone.

*

Joel rushes to the kitchen, trying to find a rag. Shit, what did you do with the rags? Everything in here was rearranged.

The slamming of draws and cabininates must've woken Lorenzo.

"What the hell is your fucking problem." Jesus christ, his Boston accent was OUT when he just wakes up.

Joel slammed the cabinet next to the oven. "A rag! Jesus christ, it shouldn't be-" When he turned, Joel saw Lorenzo stand butt naked, rubbing his eyes. "PUT YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES ON!" He bellows, but Lorenzo is unphased, brushing past Joel with bare hips to grab a rag from the drawer next to the sink.

"She likes them here because she hates her hands feeling wet."

Avoiding looking at his cock just... hanging there, Lorenzo equally avoids looking at Joel's boner.

"I'm not even gonna ask what that's for, you sickos" and begins to walk away, but Joel snaps at him.

"She's sick, asshole. Running a fever. We got any medicine?" He wets the rag.

Lorenzo's face shifts into concern. Joel knew you two had grown close over the course of the months he replaced Tommy. It was inevitable, you were precious, funny as all hell and a way at worming your way into peoples hearts. He couldn't understand how your dad had hurt such a sweet little thing so bad and for so long.

"For fucks sake Lorenzo go find some medicine!"

"Jesus!" He throws his hands in the air, walking back to his room. "Let me put some clothes on first!"

Joel shook his head, heading toward you again. "Sleeping naked while you have a roommate is fucking weird, hermano."

"I don't hear Jack complaining."

When Joel opened the door, he saw your eyes flash open. You'd been crying. He drops to his knees at your bedside, feeling you forehead again. "What's wrong, darl'n? Something hurting you?"

"I thought you left..." You sob. "I thought.... I thought you left me..."

His heart breaks at the idea you were crying over him. "No, no baby I left to get- here." He places the cool compress on your forehead and hears you breath a sigh of releif.

"Why would I leave you?"

"I figured... I figured you didn't wanna catch what I have."

He sighed, settling in at your side. "Baby girl... you nursed me all day long when I had explosive diahriah and vomiting from food sickness..." Joel says with a smile, laying his head on the bed. "I can stay by your side when you're sick."

You shake your head. "There's so much to do! The chickens, the garden, your work- Joel I gotta-"

"Shhhhh, little one, shhhh. My work can wait, and Lorenzo will know what to do with the chickens and garden, yeah?"

"Yeah." You sniffle. "But he's scared of chickens, remember?"

Joel can't help but laugh at that. "Yeah, but I think he can feed them, and Aziz can get the eggs, okay? Darl'n..." He placed his hand on your stomach. "We gotta take care of the baby, okay? Just rest. I'll take care of both of you."

A knock on the door.

Joel made sure your were covered under the blanket before beckoning Lorenzo in.

"This is all I got, boss. Maybe next time we focus a little less on getting another fuck'n onsie and maybe get some damn medcine."

"Shut the hell up." Joel turns to you. "What are you symtoms. Be honest."

It was nausea, fever, head ache, body aches, and you had a sore throat. A flu, probably... Lorezno had found thermometer, but Joel made him stick it in boiling water before using it on you. Only dirty thing going in your mouth was his cock after a long day.

100.3

Normally, nothing crazy for an adult but for a pregnant woman?

All they had for medicine was some old pepto and a couple cough drops Joel used during the day, but nothing helped the fever. He laid with you as you went through flashes, holding you close during the chills and wiping your face off during the hot, always by your side, always right there when you needed to throw up. Joel's arms were your steady grasp.

After vomiting up the rice he tried to give you for lunch int he toilet, Joel scooped you up again from the bathroom floor after gently cleaning your face. There hadn't been time when taking you from the bed to grab the blanket, so walking back Joel just carried you naked back to bed. He carried you like he always did, like a child under his care, your arm wrapped around him and face tucked into his neck... He wrapped his hands under your butt to cover you.

When you were back on the bed, sleeping before you head hit the pillow, he checked your tempature again. 102.3.

"I'll be right back, beautiful girl. Hold on tight for me, please? I need you both... I need you to be okay."

*

It was late when the fever broke, it was already growing dark and you had the faint taste of cherry in your mouth. Strange. The room was empty and dark and scary without him, and you hadn't remembered a thing from the last few hours.

"Joel?" No answer. "JOEL?"

Joel rushed in, glass of water quickly set ont he side table as he wet to hold you at your stomach. "What's wrong? Are you hurting? Is the baby okay?"

You nod, quickly. "I just... I didn't know where you were. I was scared."

He breathes a sigh of relief. "Just went to get you water... I see you're finally awake." Joel's calloused hands brush a lock of hair out of your face, sticky with dried sweat.

"I smell really bad." Joel huffs a laugh. "It's okay, we'll take a bath tonight. That sounds good?"

You smile "Yeah, sounds nice... I feel a lot better."

"I'm glad, little one. Ain't every gonna let noth'n happen t'yuh"

*

Watching the water boil on the stove as the cold water poured into the tub, Jack comes inside from helping Aziz gather eggs.

"Hey, thanks for riding out so far. You made it in record time, I think." Joel was sencier.

Jack gave a quick nod. He was a man of few words.

"Hey, uh, don't- and tell Lorenzo this too, don't tell her where the medicine came from. Just... we found it here, alright? She don't need tah be think'n 'bout him again."

Jack gave another nod, and almost went to bed... then he turned around. "You ain't gonna kill me for talk'n to him still, are yuh?"

Joel shook his head, turning off the stove. "Long as you don't go betray'n me or nothing like that. I'd havta kill yuh then, but... nah, not for this."

Jack was Joel's only connect to Jackson, to Tommy... and it came in handy today. He doubted his little wife and baby would have survived the fever without the medicine.

**************

Im literally so behind on my asks this was from my 2000 follower celebration MONTHS AGO

dont fucking look at me lmfao

if this all interests you, check out the wrong way BUT BEWARE WARNINGS!!!!

thanks for everyone who read!!!!

follow @romana-updates and click follow to keep up!

tagging a few who might be interested

@my-secret-shame (for lorenzo) @miraclesabound @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @milla-frenchy @pimosworld @lunar-ghoulie @gogh-with-the-flow @justagalwhowrites @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

[herecomethefuzzz]

hi sylv!! btw i wanna say quick tysm for ur support on my fics🥺💗ur always so kind in the tags it makes my day <3

i come w/ a request!! best friend! reader petsitting jambo + the other guy while schlatt's away and him coming back to see you sleeping on the couch with the cats and him realizing he has feelings for you🥺

-rabbitsrams <3

OHMYGOD HELLO ???? you have no idea how excited i got when i saw your user. i love your writing so much its actually amazing !!! anyway, here you go !! it might be a bit long and it probably sounds like i was rambling a bit sometimes because my brain literally. exploded. but uhh yeah !! i hope its okay (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

- a couple days ago your best friend, schlatt, asked if you could look after his cats whilst he went out to film something for his channel. he'd promised you they wouldn't be too much of a problem.

- of course you'd said yes, not wanting to let him down. it was only for the day, couldn't be too big of a job, right? oh my god you were wrong. those two cats were just so CHAOTIC when they were together.

- that day you learnt that a black cat and an orange cat are not a good combo.

- absolute hell. you had jambo running about, doing classic orange cat stuff, and the other little guy was so. loud. literally all he did was MEOW. it didn't help that he didn't let you pet him much, seen as he didn't know you.

- you'd tripped over them more times than you could count, and, honestly, you had considered calling schlatt and telling him to come home more than once.

- it got even worse when they started to get hungry. literally round your legs CONSTANTLY meowing. it was only when you walked into the kitchen that you realised they were hungry.

- once you'd fed them, there was finally peace and quiet. so you decided to go and relax on the couch. it was late, and you were beginning to get tired anyway. you curled up and went on your phone, mindlessly scrolling through twitter. (X?? idk i just call it twitter LUL)

- after around ten minutes, both cats pattered back into the living room. you sighed, expecting them to wreak havoc again, but instead they both jumped up on the couch, and came to lay with you.

- you put your phone down as they did so, and jambo came to curl up right in your arms, whilst the other kitty laid in between your legs.

- you smiled, happy that the two kitties had finally calmed down. infact, everything was so calm and quiet that you felt yourself drifting off.

- it didn't take long for you to finally fall asleep, with the two cats being snuggled up to you, they gave you a lot of warmth.

- not long after you'd fallen asleep, schlatt had gotten home. he was grinning as he got to his front door, expecting you to be up with the cats, waiting for him.

- he opened the door, shouting a, "hey toots! i'm back!" as he walked down the hallway. as he rounded the corner to walk into the living room, his jaw literally dropped. very dramatic reaction from mr. schlatt here.

- his eyes travelled from you, to the black cat inbetween your legs, then to jambo, and he felt himself smile. maybe he even felt himself go a little pink.

- the fact you were comfortable enough to fall asleep in his house made his heart beat just that little bit faster, but he had no clue why.

- and then it hit him. as he looked at your pretty face again, studying you as if you were an art piece in a gallery, he realised he had feelings for you.

this was originally meant to be like. a proper fic. but i then realised that my brain cannot comprehend writing an actual story right now so it got turned into a bulleted thing i hope you dont mind (⁠｡⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠)

[macsimagines]

okay so could i request a tokyo revengers matchup?

about myself: As for outer appearance, i seem cold, egoistical, and pretty chill. My outift style being mostly loose and dark clothes.

and as for insides i actually like to be there and comfort people, or giving/lending people my things and having play fights. My love language is physical contact and i tend to be clingy and needy, i like yanderes, and pretty good at my studies. I have some mental illnesses like depression, ADHD, OCD and doesn't really take that much care of myself, a few treating myself with snack here and there and no other. I tend to copy the personality of the person im close with, and also quite weird person. I still have red flags that i tend to ignore ppl when upset or harm myself to not harm others.. also i have thick glasses because of my poor eyesight (TT). As for mbti im an INTP, and im a Christian^^ (i hope you respect that)

additional; these are some like little details so feel free to ignore

Im unusually uncomfortable when someone uses the stairs behind me (even if im not wearing skirts) it just feels weird TT. and i dont really realize my surrounding that much so i end sometimes getting lost and not cleaning my room or things like that also i can get like a lil hyperactive in irl and texts like singing in school orrr replying with all caps and so much random emojis-

(I REALLY HOPE ITS ENOUGH CUZ AFTER READING YOUR WARNING (i fully respect it) I GOT A BIT NERVOUS TT)

have a great day Ms. Mac ^o^! And thank you for your time reading this request of mine!

MINORS DNI

WARNINGS: ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, MANIPULATIVE AND VIOLENT TENDENCIES

ok! so for you i match you wiiiiiiith

HANMA SHUJI

Sorry boo, but you're just too adorable not to be noticed by someone like this. He's going to take advantage of every insecurity every minor detail and hyper focus.

He loves you, in his own sociopathic way. Its not lost on him how you crave his attention and affections and he takes full advantage of what you need. Hanma can go weeks without texting you, but don't worry he's watching closely, just loving the way you squirm without him...

But you're amazing! You're sweet and loving and he knows others will notice too. He knows more and more people will reach out, whether they're intentions are good or bad, he will isolate you from everyone. Hanma wants you all to himself, he wants to be your only support but without any of the actual work that will come with it. He likes the fact that your whole world revolves around him, but doesn't want his whole world to revolve around you. (oh but don't worry we're getting into what will happen when he realizes you're his everything.)

Hanma notices that you will shift your personality to match his own better. He likes to test that as well, his sadism and his altogether violent tendencies. He'll take it as far as he wants and revel in the fact that you're cracking under the precious.

You don't like the fact that he broke that guys ribs in front of you? But you laughed when he punched him in the face. You're scared that he just mugged that guy for his wallet? But you said you were hungry! You can't stand that cigarette burn he left on your thigh? But you said you loved him! PROVE IT.

He's going to exploit more and more of you. Your good habits, your bad ones, and eventually when you start to crack or get depressed he's going to be mad that you're changing. He might just up and leave you if you don't fix that bad attitude of yours. And when you try to fix yourself, when you struggle and fail he'll be reveling in all your broken pieces.

Eventually, he'll think he's bored. Hanma will really believe that he's done with you and dip out on you, broken and lost, and for weeks he'll be on edge. Wake up everyday so angry that no good morning texts with all those lame sparkles and heart emojis are no where to be found (like he didn't block you), so angry that he's not hearing your voice anymore, so upset at the loss of your soft hands and sweet kisses. You said forever, how come you're not proving it like you usually do.

He's going to show up, a month later, picking a fight with you.

"You and all your bullshit, Y/N," he'll yell, maybe even throw something, "You're such a fucking liar. Love me forever but can't even show up when I really need you. Do you like what you're putting me through?"

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

I think one of the really small things that broke me when I was teaching (because there were a lot of big things that are reasons I won't go back, but small broken things that make me want to) was one time a student I didnt know very well came in just before the bell rang with his breakfast. We said the pledge and during it he looked at me and indicated his breakfast and nodded towards me - so I nodded back. He'd be eating breakfast, no big deal, I'd leave him in peace until he was done. I didn't realize he'd been nodding towards the trash can next to my desk where I was standing until he god up during the moment of silence, looking so upset, and went to throw perfectly good uneaten food away. I stopped him. "Are you not hungry?" I whispered, thankful tenth graders are self centered enough that most of them werent paying attention. He just shook his head. "Is something wrong with it? You can probably run back and grab something else. Or I have my snack bin in the back you can look through." He shook his head again, looking confused.

"I thought you wouldn't want me eating in here." I tilted my head, confused and realizing we had miscommunicated, that he had misinterpreted my nod as punishing instead of accepting. I couldnt figure out why he would think that. I mean sure, they had stuck me in a windowless, carpeted computer lab, but french toast sticks arent particularly messy if youre out of elementary school, and i let his other classmates eat all the time.

"If youre hungry you can eat it. I mean, you can throw it away if you dont want it, but I don't care if you eat in here or not, unless youre planning to dump it on the floor."

He looked so sheepish at that, also realizing we had miscommunicated, but when he turned to sit back down and eat he looked so GRATEFUL. He scarfed down that breakfast, i dont know if it was because he was embarrassed or just that hungry. I learned later his housing was insecure, but he never said anything to me about struggles, never took snacks or any of the little hygiene things i kept in an open no questions asked drawer in the back of the room (unless you interrupted the middle of a different one of my classes; I'm sorry I made you tell me you needed a pad, but I thought you were just trolling for snacks for a moment and was going to grab them for you instead to minimize disruption). The thing is, he was SO SMART. He was probably the smartest student in that class, and engaged, kind and enthusiastic... but I barely saw him. He was failing my class because he was hardly at school. I got in trouble that he was failing my class because I didnt have any work or tests from him, because he didnt have a reliable way to get to school.

I enjoyed when he was in class. I was glad after that he always felt comfortable bringing his breakfast back to the room at eating at his own pace. It was so refreshing how much he seemed to actually enjoy reading when I was working woth so many students who couldnt string a sentence together without my help.

A lot of teachers find these little things that break your heart and that makes the job worth it for them. Sometimes i wish it was worth it for me.

[queenrizzardnthelizardscissored]

one of the more underrated awful things about capitalism is how it creates this constant stupid background buzzing worry, even if, in theory, you have plenty of money.

like going to a grocery store, and wandering the shelves, and thinking "hmmm, should i buy the more expensive one i prefer or the cheaper one? and being aware of every little tiny thing that goes into your cart. the dread i feel when checking out and seeing the price be like 30 dollars for something that doesn't even feel like that much food or that substantial is just. eughgheghgh. and sometimes (at least for me) it's so overwhelming that sometimes you just. don't eat, even if you theoretically have the money, because the idea of going to buy something and seeing the high number on the cash register subtracting from your bank account is just too awful, and you really don't feel that hungry anyway, and then you wonder why you've been feeling so tired all week despite getting enough sleep.

or realizing you dont have enough of a certain type of clothing, and then looking for said clothing online and debating "hmm, do I even need new clothes?" despite literally just thinking you need new clothes. this is how i ended up with literally three pairs of socks for several months. and then, when you do end up buying something, obviously you go for the pricier midrange option, since cheap clothes are itchy and low quality and break more easily so you end up spending more in the long run. but knowing that its objectively better does not make stomaching the idea of clicking the button to order 100 dollars worth of pants (3 pants! that's 3 pants somehow! and that's a 'good deal' so far as clothes that dont fall apart instantly go) any better!

and then thrifting, thrifting. it's not cheap anymore! they took used clothes and made them not cheap! you can't even buy jeans for 10 bucks at a thrift/used clothes store because now they're Vintage Distressed 90s Style Cybercore Flare Cut Denim Trousers or some shit. everyone knows that they're meant to be cheap, and so the companies running these places decided to exploit that by making them way more expensive! god fucking damn it! you can't even buy like older out of style shit anymore like old wool coats and trousers and such because that's a style now too! they took the cheap cool looking thing and made it expensive and commercialized. the only stuff that is cheap are like. world's crappiest t shirt that you could buy for literally the same price on Amazon right then and there, and just. loads of fast fashion that people dump because it sucks. don't you want to buy used Shein bullshit for like the same price as you could online (but don't because you're not an asshole who clogs landfills - stop buying fast fashion please) but now, the seams are already ripped???? incredible! Theres literally one 'used clothes store' per city that isn't commercialized, and you can't tell which one it is, because if it was well known, guess what, it'd be commercialized (or instantly raided by assholes reselling shit on depop!)

and, then, this next part really goes for anything that you need a new one of - an old laptop case that's falling apart, a backpack whose zipper-handles somehow split in two and now have sharp edges, a pair of headphones that require you to turn the jack inside the socket for like 20 seconds so it gets a clear signal, which will sound shitty and metallic if you twist it wrong, so on and so forth - you, in theory, should get a new one! it might even make your life a lot better! but - but a new laptop case on Amazon is like 15 dollars for a not-too-great kinda shitty looking canvas one and a new backpack is like 40 dollars for a nice-ish one (maybe if you're me, you have very strong sensory reactions to rough fabric and certain types of plastic, and cannot use something that is too rough or overly plasticky), and a new pair of headphones is maybe 20 dollars if you want the same ones you already have, and so really, really is it worth it? no, you're going to keep using the damn thing PAST it breaks, because the idea of spending money on something you technically already have makes you slightly ill!

thank god at least you dont have to pay for media ever because you can just pirate all of it, but let's say you want like a physical CD, or. maybe you have an old record player. and perhaps, in your audacity of wanting something more than the bare minimum required to survive, you want a CD from an artist you like or their new record on vinyl. WELL GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE! we discovered there was a market of rich morons willing to pay obscene amounts of money for colossal box sets of records that, in theory, cost pennies on the dollar to produce? Oh, you want the record of California by Mr Bungle? Well, you can get that in a box set with Disco Volante for 75 dollars! Oh, you like Talking Heads and want a record of Stop Making Sense? WELL. your local record store has a box set of that and half their discography for 120 fucking dollars! good luck being a casual fan of anything who likes maybe a few albums per artist, because now, everything is catered towards the most profitable demographic. If you want to get something, you better REALLY want it, and it will still make you really really anxious to purchase it, so much so you will go back and forth about buying it (even if its only 40 dollars, but strictly speaking you dont need it, right, so why bother buying it, your room looks fine with blank white walls and empty bookshelves, and i mean you could just listen to the music by downloading the mp3s from youtube), and then feel anxious and nervous about it for the next three days, so much so you will consider refunding something you have wanted for 2 years! And that's just music!

Don't even dare to be a fan of video games! You want to play literally anything made in the last 10 years? Here's a box that costs two months worth of rent and will leave you feeling guilty every time you look at it! And as for books, well, they're making a bit of a comeback! Not in terms of, you know, relatively cheap, nice paperbacks. No, it's time for big ass hardcovers with neat foldout dust covers that are embossed, oh, and each one's 30 dollars each! Time for the idea of making spending 30 dollars (one pair of pants, a week's worth of groceries if you're stingy and buy the cheapest most bare minimum things and have no joy in your life, there's a reason i cook so often when im at my parents house with their nice spice rack and kitchenware, about the cost of public transit fare for two months or so) on one book, to cause you to almost have a panic attack! time to spend 15 minutes deciding, hmm, do i really want this book? should I just read a shitty small version of it on my phone? instead of actually having fun with your life.

and then, there's the fact that you're discouraged from actually going out and buying things in a convenient way. see, sometimes you might, for instance, need a HDMI to USB-C cable, today, to connect your laptop with a TV. Or, maybe, you'd rather browse for books rather than find them online. Well, good news, you're punished for that too! That HDMI cable that costs 15 dollars on Amazon? Well that's 30 dollars at Best Buy, because they know that if you come in today, you need it, and thus will spend more! Or, say you're buying that book you found while browsing! Well, that's 30 dollars for the hardcover here, but... on amazon.... that's on sale for 14 dollars! So of course the only logical course of action is to put the book, which you've read the first chapter or so of, back, despite really wanting to read the rest, and then either download a PDF from libgen, or go to the library, hope they have a niche queer sci-fi novel, and read that dogeared copy, or order it from amazon and wait 4 days for it to arrive! how dare you want to actually leave your house to buy things? And what makes it even worse is that, very often, the big, awful corporate places are actively cheaper than the nice, smaller ones. Want to buy books? well your local indie store with the nice comfy seats and the friendly staff and niche, sometimes vintage books is actually targeted far, far upmarket of you. yeah, they target people who make like 60 dollars an hour. time to go to the cheap corporate one with the weird smell and the uncomfy chairs and the coffee that is both overpriced and disgusting! the same thing is true for grocery stores (most indie ones have some 'organic' gimmick), clothes/thrift stores (a goodwill, even though it sucks in every sense, price and selection and atmosphere, is far cheaper than a local 'thrift store'), and basically everything!

there is nothing, nothing that is not predatorily monetized. you want to buy a snack at a convenience store or something? well, better to just walk home hungry and get something there, even if your stomach has that weird twisting nausea it gets when you're just slightly hungry and your body hasn't learned to just accept you're not eating for a while and to get out of your way, because the gas station will charge 4 dollars for a granola bar that you can buy in packs of 40 for $25!

And then. and then. every fun experience is gated behind the expectation of spending things in some way. I like libraries as much as the next person, but in a library, you're expected to be quiet. want to look at books with a friend and banter about them? well time to go to the bookstore which you cant even buy books from because they're too expensive, wander about, and leave! you want to just. hang out? well the best place to go, unless you want to go to a friend's apartment, which has no ambience at all, is a coffee shop, and then, you will feel awful about buying a 4 dollar drink, and it will weigh on you the entire time you're sitting there and chatting, because, was this really worth 4 dollars to sip this mediocre ice tea and sit for an hour? 4 dollars, you might recall, can buy you a pound of ground beef with which you can make food that will last several days! and even then, even then that coffee shop is worse than it used to be! the caribou coffee near my parent's house used to be warm and cozy with big soft armchairs and a fireplace and wood panelling and a weird fucked up stuffed deer head on the wall, and then they fucking remodelled it and made it into a gray box with shitty pleather booths and the least comfortable plastic-metal chairs you've ever sat on! why would you want to spend time there? but then again, there's no other good option, really, that isn't either of your homes! Libraries require quiet, so do museums (which are really really fun to go to, I love hanging out in museums, but oops, looks like a pass is 25 dollars for adults and a membership is 80 so. not doing that one!), parks are outdoors, etc, etc, etc. (and of course that's discounting the difficulties of a lack of public transit, but I live in Portland now so that's less of an issue)

And that's not even mentioning the advertisements - you can use an adblock on your desktop, can use youtube revanced on mobile, can pirate your music to avoid spotify, but ads are still everywhere, they're on walls and on billboards and on the sides of trains and busses and so on and so forth.

and all of this culminates in this awful buzzing background worry that permeates everything. it permeates eating because you're acutely aware of how much the food costs, it permeates picking clothes and/or/buying new ones, it permeates paying your fare to get on a bus and it permeates every little fraction of every day life. and if you dare, if you dare to want something that isn't strictly necessary for day-to-day life, that makes you happy rather than keeps you full and relatively healthy and productive, well, get ready to feel crushing anxiety and guilt over something as insignificant as a CD from a band you like. there's this constant dull worry about how much money you have and how much you're spending! And i'm not even in poverty! i've a good relationship with my family, which is middle class, and i know if im ever truly in trouble i could ask them to give me some to tide me over and they'd do it happily. i cannot imagine how awful this stress must be if the bullshit fake numbers that are arbitrarily assigned to your work and the things you consume actually determine whether or not you eat, if the worries i have as neuroses are actual legitimate worries that you have every day. It's just so awful.