#sometimes we gotta date our interns

[cookie-kat777]

Me watching Sunset x Vibes episode 6: Well, I never thought I'd see a Step By Step x The Sign crossover, but here we are.

[tirfpikachu]

sometimes i feel like, in certain cases, "detrans woman" and "nonbinary woman" ain't too different. and could even be used simultaneously by the same person without much issue. after all, isn't processing internalized misogyny and escaping the gender roles box for womanhood also a way someone can at the same time not feel like a binary man, not feel like a binary woman, but not feel like a not-woman either? after unlearning all the bullshit male society taught us, it can be destabilizing and create distance between us and other women. we might no longer feel like a normie woman. we've been awakened. we're no longer a gender roled woman, rolled up in everything she was taught she needed to be or she would fail at womanhood. we're an unfailible woman, we can't get a bad grade in womanhood bc we don't care about gender grades. we know it's all bullshit. we took back the power patriarchal society had over us. in that sense, we're not willingly binary anymore. and i think, over time, it's only going to get harder and harder to find women who are happily into the gender roles, the gender box assigned to them.

people fucking hate that, ofc. especially male people, and doubly so cis/bio men. they hate that we're awakened women. they hate that we found feminism and sisterhood and go detrans or use nonbinary in addition to woman, bc we reconnect with our body type and our upbringing. and by they, i mean both sides btw. the patriarchy hates that we found our power, of course. non-feminists scoff at us.

and... mainstream trans activists hate that our journey got us here, and hate how we make dysphoria seem curable in unmedical ways and transness more complex than they like to think. we complicate things. they hate that they found power in changing themselves (whatever makes them feel at peace ofc), while we tried to as well, but in the process we found our power was within us all along. we found that just being neutrally sexed animals, just female humans, female animals, girls the way that one calls a cat a sweet girl, cat first girl second, human first girl second... our bodies, our gender category, don't define us. anymore, anyways. anyone who defines us by our womanhood is a bigot, and we scrubbed our brains free of all the shit patriarchal brainwashing left in us. and for us, personally, it was enough to free us. that's not the case for anymore. some folks need more than that. some folks need to modify themselves beyond recognition to feel at peace with themselves. but i do hope they know that deep down, they were always good beings all along. i hope they know that gender is bullshit and sex says nothing about anyone's worth, personality, goals, interests, etc. it says fuckall about any of that. i don't care if i get a male or female rabbit. a rabbit is a rabbit. if i feel affection for a new pet, our connection is what matters [*]. i would never assign someone gender roles based on their sex. but it's sadly done way too often by parents and male society. if you're trans, temporarily or forever, you gotta clean up all your internalized misogyny and sexism/gncphobia. find kinship with other female people, or male gnc people if you're male. just check off some boxes. clean everything up. deep-clean your mind and your heart first.

[*] insert tras here being like, "why can't you be like that about dating? you dirty close-minded terfy homo dyke? why can't you love beyond genitals? beyond just bodies?" and these days i laugh and laugh and laugh at that shit because wow they have zero clue!! they don't know the sense of peace at having my female/afab body against another female/afab body, at knowing we were born the same, at knowing we went thru the same growing up, at knowing we understand eachother so, so deeply without saying a word bc she is what i am, she is where i have been, and i have suffered as she has suffered, and we are a love born of the connection all female beings share, the connection of bio dick havers treating us as prey. not knowing we're more powerful than they could ever dream of. do bodies like ours not hold the godly powers of creation itself? are we not gods in the literal sense, born creators, who get to choose if a new life should be made? do we not hold the future in the palm of our hand? to the dismay of penised beings? and do me and my beloved not love eachother only the way two gods could love one another, knowing the struggle, knowing the power? is the patriarchy not fighting tooth and nail to control us, wrestle us into submission before their phallic altar? do they not know it's impossible, for everything in us would dry up at the sight? do they not know that we can rely on sisterhood to get us through fucking anything? do they not know we masculinized ourselves and found ourselves happily female anyway? do they not know that i'd love her with a beard and five eyes, but if she was reborn male we would not be the same people to begin with (tho ofc i like to think the bodyswapped versions of us would have a love story too, we would not be us anymore, not this timeline's love story, she would be a different version of her and i would miss our og love)? because what is anyone without memories, and aren't childhood memories, puberty memories, some of the experiences most affected by one's body type (under the patriarchy), some of the most developmentally significant memories of all? is female just genitalia and estrogen puberty to tras, to "hearts not parts" type folks?

is female just a meat suit and not also the life experiences linked to it, our upbringing, a rich female culture one is born into? trans women might be immigrants into this female culture if they pass post-transition, they might get the exact body, but they just don't know the culture the way born into it do. any transfem will admit being transfem is hard, it's hard to merge into female culture when they self-admittedly don't know much about it. anyone not having been born into this culture, not being fluent the way only a native resident of femaleness can be, will show signs of it even if it's been 50+ years. you can't just wipe someone's upbringing clean, your past always leaves traces, and a transfem wouldn't be able to bond with other female4female lesbians on basic female upbringing things... when those are the things that make being into other female ppl so attractive for many of us! we just get eachother. we understand without even saying anything. we understand female body issues. there's a warm sense of peace emanating from that knowledge in my heart, knowing me and my girlfriend were born the same. we went through so many of the same things, all the good and the bad sides of growing up female. and i find that attractive as hell, and it brings me immense joy in life. there's so many inside jokes a transfem just wouldn't get the way my gf can. and i unfortunately need to add, since people get defensive, that this isn't shaming the transfem for not having those experiences. i hope the transfem will come to terms with not being female too. she can be a woman in society, but she's not born this way, she's an immigrant into womanhood, and that's okay. she still needs to let lesbians who are only into people raised female enjoy our unique sexuality that she just can't understand. i can't understand the transfem4transfem experience either. so what? isn't lgbt or 2slgbtqia+ or whatever culture all about inclusion and diversity in sexuality and gender expression? what about those who are girls the way animals are girls? we hate gender roles but we're personally definining cis womanhood as being female animals, female humans? what's so twisted about that? what about female4female lesbians? transmasc4transmasc can exist, why not us? why make everything so stupidly complicated for no reason? why shame us for how we were born, for being into others like ourselves?

i pity them, honestly. watch them bring girldick and male upbringing experiences to female4female lesbians, watch as we'll all dry up like the dying succulents on our windowsills and sip drinks laughing at the naked male bodies before us because they're so unsexual to us homodykes. watch as we raise eyebrows at the male's lack of misogyny in her upbringing, her lack of expertise on female culture, and just... everything that's so fundamentally unappealing to us. we can be friends. we can be allies. thankfully though, sex and marriage isn't activism. you can't play woke in the sheets. if you do, that's honestly sad. love isn't political. heteros made it political, but love is just love. and the love between two female people is normal. boring at times, even. we're normies. and if mainstream tras can't see that, well, maybe they have issues to work through in therapy. idk.

if two dysphoric ppl working through really hard shit end up feeling at peace with being female animals, female humans, and loving one another, if that's threatening, if that's bigoted, if that's twisted, well...

we detrans chicks and homodykes will find our own place to hangout. and we'll be nice to your faces, of course, but behind doors we're having a blast with others like ourselves. people like us have done this for as long as humanity has been alive, anyways. we always go underground and make it work anyhow. radblr is proof of that. idc if i have to go door to door checking if any homodyke is there, or if i have to comb thru tra spaces to find cool detrans folks, i will find others like me. that's what the marginalized have always done.

we're like lizards. we'll just find a cooler rock to party under🦎✌️

[vaspider]

Hi, you seem like someone who thinks about these kinds of things a lot so maybe you can give some additional perspective on this queer question I've got.

A conversation that I had with two of my cis gay friends years ago still gives me thought to this day. I don't remember the exact verbage, but the gist was that they emphasized how their experiences with bi men tended to not be great because of flakiness, unresolved internal homophobia, etc. Fair, I thought.

However I felt that the conversation took a turn when one of them said that they wouldn't want to date or sleep with men who self identify as bi anymore. I felt that it was bad to generalize like that and still-then-closeted me called him out saying, like, isn't that biphobia? But he just laughed and the conversation ended there.

Fast forward to today and I still don't really know how to put into words why I feel that I'm right. A parallel I see now is how sometimes people of any sexuality will claim that trans people are ""forcing"" people to have sex with them because they get called out for saying the analogous thing as above but replace bi with trans. And I understand that it's a Bad Thing To Say, but I still don't know how we as a community know where to draw the lines in our rhetoric, or when to challenge generalizations like that.

It took me a long time to answer this because I would get halfway through the post and just feel vaguely ill. That sort of behavior was like, really common when I was younger.

It is deeply unfortunate that a lot of queer people will take bad experiences with a couple of people and generalize them to an entire identity/community and think that this is okay, but unfortunately, that does happen. It was biphobic then, and it is transphobic now.

There's not much you can do about it when people are taking their personal trauma and trying to make it the fault of an entire group of people, though. It's not like you can make people go to therapy. Sometimes you just gotta go 'welp, that's between you and your therapist,' and gently detach from 'em.

[silentstyx]

"Three Lectures Behind and There's This Guy" ~ Lip Gallagher x Reader

tw! sexual references (it's shameless dawg...)

sum! "We got assigned as dorm roommates and I had such a crush on you last year and you don't even know who I am." (i lit found this on the ai fanfic trope so it'll be a little diff)

i rly wanted to write for my mans (do NOT tell my bf abt this one guys 😖) I'm js taking a break from only writing mbav for a sec ☝️🤓

Oh my god. This man. He was so hot. And rumor's say he's good in bed too?! You were freaking out just as much when you found out he was going to be your sorority house boy.

You saw him cooking one day and went absolutely feral. He was also the bartender at parties. Pouring drinks into peoples mouth straight from the bottles...

You noticed he wasn't there the next day after one of the parties. Or the day after that. Or the day after that? Then, never again. You later heard that he gotten kicked out of college. You never exactly found out why, there were rumors of course. Except, you never found out the exact reason.

Well you saw him when visiting Chicago, you were looking for cheap restaurants online nearby and patsy's diner was the first thing online. Only about a mile and a half away. You walk over there with some friends you were with, when you finally got there you saw the boy from your sorority house sitting at a table with a bunch of older looking guys.

Your whole friend group recognized him immediately and started freaking about how to ask him out. You rolled your eyes, tired of their banter. But also internally jealous of them potentially dating the guy you've had your eye on for practically forever.

You get sat at a table with everyone, you had the best angle of him from where you were sitting. Although you weren't going to stare at him the whole time. You all ordered the drinks you want, while you were searching the menu you saw that Lip got up. Our whole table complained, jokingly, but you saw he went in the kitchen.

I guess he works there?

The waitress came back and took your orders as well as your menus. A little while later, after your food came back, you got a sudden urge of confidence. You decided to finally talk to him.

You go up to the bar and ask to talk to Lip. The woman goes into the back to talk to him, as well as grabbing orders while she's back. He comes out, looking for a girl that would be looking for him that looks familiar.

"Uh, Lip?" You say, grabbing his attention. His brows furrowed but he has a smirk.

"You're that uh chick from college? In the sorority house?" He said, skeptically. Almost as if he wasn't completely sure.

"Yeah, you were our house boy. Uhm, i recognized you sitting at the table and I wanted to say hi." You try to explain.

He just nods his head with a small, interested, smile on his face.

"Okay, so I have a confession. When you got put in our house I had such a crush on you and you don't even know my name." You said, somewhat embarrassed.

He looks down, smirking, then looking right back up at you. Whispering back, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a few late night thoughts about you. But, uh, your name's *y/n* isn't it?"

You nod, smiling, "yep, thats me. So you're working here now?"

He licks his bottom lip, "Yeah, dishwasher. Sister is the manager, she's in charge of everyone."

You nod, showing him that you understand.

"So you wanna hang out sometime?" You ask him.

He looks at you, his devilish smile, "hang out or... go out?"

"Both?" your tone sounds more like a question now.

He snickers, agreeing to go out. You give him your phone and he puts his number in it. He then explains that he's gotta get back to work, you nod telling him you have to get to your table.

You go back to your table, they saw everything that had just happened. As soon as you sat down you were bombarded with questions. Some you answered, some you didn't. Except now, you don't have to worry about them getting the guy you want.

[suzukiblu]

I just wanted to say I think you're really cool in the way you defend your own boundaries while also trying to see the best in people (e.g. off-topic Wednesday asks / etc.). Like you make your ask box feel like it's okay to ask questions or not worry too much about how something might come off wierdly if it's read a certain way but also you don't let people walk over you, and that balance is a fucking skill which takes effort and work.

Thank you. 🧡 I definitely do go to a lot of effort to be clear about certain things I'm cool/not cool with while also assuming the best of people's intentions if I ever get comments or questions that are phrased poorly or seem . . . well, questionable, to make an unintentional pun there, haha. I just don't wanna start shit that doesn't need started or slather bad vibes all over some poor well-intentioned random soul who just doesn't have the most immediately up-to-date/informed language or certain experiences to inform their perspective, AND all over all of your dashes on top of that. Like, we were all confused about shit and awkwardly attempting to figure out what the magic question that would explain that shit to us was at SOME point in our lives, if nothing else. You gotta remember your internal stupid kid and how bad they wanted to figure shit out without having the tools for it!! You just gotta!!!!

Like, I literally did not realize gay and bi people were a thing until I was FOURTEEN, man, I just did NOT have that context/experience as a kid. And then, like, four months later I was . . . uhhhhh I'm pretty sure literally the first kid who was publicly out in my entire very tiny "quaint lil' small town full of well-off retirees with gorgeous lawns and literally nothing for a teenager to do outside of school" high school, and at least as far as I ever knew there wasn't another one until my friggin' senior year. And I didn't figure out what asexuality was OR my gender identity until I was in my thirties, despite actively TRYING to figure those out! I just didn't know! I didn't have the word for it for so long I didn't even GET it was a thing that should have a word!

Though to be honest, I really do get way, WAY more people worrying that they're overstepping and preemptively apologizing about it than I ever do people who are actually doing anything I'd personally consider to be overstepping, and I get even fewer people who are INTENTIONALLY overstepping on top of that. Like, I've been very lucky in the audience I've managed to snare/cultivate in my internet times, I very rarely encounter anyone coming into my inbox in bad faith. "Don't like/don't read" seems to be generally respected and I appreciate it, basically, hah.

Also, like, not to get too extra or serious here, but a lot of the reason I write fanfic is because it can contain a lot of things that standard publishing is less immediately open to releasing--like, especially back when I started, it was just NOT a thing to have explicitly queer kids in mega-popular mainstream YA series or all that much gender/racial/neuro diversity past, like, token presences that were at MOST only diversity-CODED half the time anyway and "didn't like labels". And like, that bugged me a LOT as a kid and as a young adult, and still kinda bugs me sometimes these days. I wanted, you know, that SEEN feeling, and I didn't want to only get it from hyper-niche genres/authors that were only writing about being queer and sad about it. I wanted that shit in my dang sci-fi and fantasy and all the FUN stuff, not just, you know, the tragedy-porn cautionary tales. So I want people who are reading my stuff to feel that way, even and ESPECIALLY when they're some totally different flavor of whatever we are from me, and so I REALLY try to be inclusive and welcoming and assume the best of people, at least to the best of my ability.

. . . okay I got kinda carried away with this answer, maybe, haha, but tl;dr: literally everyone has got enough bullshit going on in their lives, I can at least be nice about weird kinks and random gender/mental/physical/???? issues that I don't always necessarily understand the full nuances of on the internet.

[astrognossienne]

notes on cancer women

Cancer women don’t run down men. We MAKE them come to us with our lunar pull and when they’re with us we treat them better (sexually and otherwise) than almost any other woman in the zodiac. We’re the first water sign and as such, our pussies stay wet and we know how to get dicks hard as well as wet. We’re the best sex in the zodiac and men are hooked on us. We’re also the most feminine. We’re the women who can best intuit our man’s needs and desires. We’re the ones that can hang with his (guy) friends. We’re the ones who can even chill with other women, if they’re secure enough. We’re the ones he takes home to mom. Other girls are for a good time, we’re here for a long time. We’re the types that a man marries. We’re literally every woman. However, we’re also independent af so although we love to be with someone, most times we know how to be alone. My friends are constantly asking me when I will get a boyfriend and I have no intentions of dating right now (plus most relationships are shallow af so I don’t want to be part of that drama). Single life is lit.

Our personalities are so kind and deeply caring that they may look manufactured to a lot of people who don’t understand us, but trust me, they are REAL. We are THAT crazy lol. We HATE being fake and we hate fake people. I literally don’t understand how someone can be fake and live with themselves. Also, we get it, as the emotional creatures that we are, our personalities can go from one extreme to the next but WE CAN’T HELP IT. I sometimes don’t even understand my own goddamn self and I find myself doing shit I didn’t even think I would ever do the day before.

Depending on who you are and how you treat us, we can be the sensitive sweethearts you love, or we can be the sensitive sweethearts you love to hate. Whether we (or others) like it or not, most Cancer women generally express their feelings so openly and it makes all sorts of people get involved—and unfortunately it’s usually the wrong people.

As to the degree of emotional transparency we have…it depends on the moon sign of the Cancer woman really. As a Capricorn moon, the only, ONLY other person who can spot that something is wrong with me emotionally is my mother. I actually care about certain things, I have a really big heart to the few that deserve it, but I don’t really show it.

About the selfish thing, yes as Cardinal signs, we may come off as selfish human beings who have no regards for anyone but ourselves but when you get to know us, we really have one of the biggest hearts of the zodiac. We actually care for people, but we are a very cautious sign and we gotta know each other first before we care THAT much.

Oh and we let you walk out of our lives, so the “clingy” stereotype really needs to die. We’re loyal and we don’t give up on people, but we don’t really run down people either (at least not for too long). Just make sure that if you decide to walk away from us, be sure that you are REALLY done with us, because if you decide to try and come back in, it is 1000x harder the first time (if you’re accepted back at all).

We may come off as rude, but the truth is, we see bullshit before ANYONE else does. Our intuition is head and shoulders above ALL of the other signs. I remember two years ago, people wondered why I was constantly giving this girl the side eye whenever she was right beside me, two years later they FINALLY understand. Sometimes we really do say things that can actually hurt others (we sometimes don’t understand it because we’re the type to want people to like us) but most times we don’t mean to hurt anyone. We would go home and feel guilty about it and internalize it and feel bad for days. Well…that’s in my case.

I see a lot of utterances on here and elsewhere about how Cancers aren’t smart and aren’t regarded for their intelligence. Alan Turing? Helen Keller? Nikola Tesla, anyone? And again, we’re smart enough to see bullshit before anyone else does, so how tf are we dimwitted???

I also hear and read that we’re “followers”. Followers? Are you sure you are looking at the right zodiac sign? Because if anything, the unpopular truth is that folks follow us. We’re cardinal signs and we’re the leaders of emotion, as such, we make it okay for others to be kind and to care and to be nurturing and empathetic. We do our own thing, roll our own way and we like being uniquely us. We aren’t the ‘follow the crowd’ type of sign. If you are looking for that, head on over to Libras and Pisces.

Reading about how salty everyone is towards Cancer women, just goes to show that we are VERY misunderstood. We’re the shit without having to shit on anyone. I guess that burns people up, lol.

Also, if any of you people have any problems with a Cancer in your life (and by the way Cancers are talked about/not talked about/willfully ignored/written about/dismissed it seems everyone and their grandmother’s dog does lol), talk to them, be REAL with them. PLEASE tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them EVERYTHING. Vent it out. Even if it hurts. At the end of the day, we do not like fakeness and we are DEFINITELY not the sign to deal with that.

We can be earnest and genuine to a fault and we find it really annoying when confronted with someone who isn’t; we’ll try to deal with you to an extent, but the more evolved among us won’t even bother, we’ll just give up and walk away. If we just someone, the more evolved among us will take our actions into consideration since unlike all the other signs, we truly don’t like hurting anyone, ESPECIALLY the people we actually care about. Again, depending on the moon sign (since we’re lunar creatures), we may or may not show it, but we do care.

If we have a problem with a friend or lover, we have the rare ability to articulate it without sounding accusatory. But if we’ve done something wrong, we take the blame rather than blaming them. We are never jealous without reason, and no matter how badly someone wrongs us, we never fall into the trap of self-pity. We calm others down rather than get them riled up. Despite the unfortunate name of this star sign, we are the cure for relationship cancer.

I’m dying to know the date and time you fell to earth from heaven. Do you have pictures? You’re almost too good to be real, but in a world of fakes, you’re the real deal. You’re that good, and anyone who doesn’t realize it the moment that they meet you is going to cause you trouble. Whenever someone has a problem with you, I don’t even need to hear the details. I already know that they’re in the wrong. Did you ever hear someone say, “It’s not you—it’s me”? Trust them when they say that. It’s not you. It’s them. It’s never been you, and it’s ALWAYS been them.

[viridiandruid]

So I wanted to wait until after Pride to send this post, because I didn't want to bring down the feeling of celebration and solidarity that comes with June. This post is gonna have a lot of personal baggage and bleh in it that I'm sure no one wants to hear or read, but it'll be under the cut if you really feel up to it.

We all make jokes about July being Gay Wrath month. But I'd like to propose a case for making it Gay Envy. There are things I want that I'll never have, and I've gotta be okay with that. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Obviously, envy is far from something with positive connotations. But I think there are those of us out there who are a bit envious of the others in the queer community who seem to have gotten a least a little luck in some department or another. And that's what envy is, "a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck" according to Oxford Languages.

And I think it's healthy for us to acknowledge some of the concrete things that we wish had gone better in our lives.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who had supportive parents, the kind that go to pride with them and are so overwhelmed with love for queer people that they offer free hugs and surrogate status as a mother or father to those who don't have them. I wish my parents had been that type, instead of the kind that I will never come out to because I know they already hate gay and trans people on principle and part of me still feels a longing to be accepted home.

I'm envious of the queer kids I know who have loving and accepting family members that are religious, even those in Christian families. I hop onto Facebook every odd week and see Christian adults who grew up in the church praising, being thankful, and unconditionally accepting their queer child. Going to far as helping them make Coming Out announcements, buying them pride flags and helping them navigate life just like any other teenager should.

I'm jealous of the ones who got to date in middle and high school and act like every other teenager, going to school dances and even prom with someone they actually liked. I'm jealous of the ones who felt they didn't need it.

I'm envious of the queer folks who were born in the conventionally attractive category. Those who get by with abs, or a beard, or a good figure, or fall neatly into a category that receives praise instead of stuck in between a bunch of categories and thus qualifies for none of them.

I'm jealous of the queer folks who fall solidly outside of them, who easily define themselves as not having those traits. Those who are fat and unashamed, who are smooth and effeminate. Those who find their own community by the layer of otherness that comes with not being "Exactly Like" their accepted gender identity.

I'm envious of the men who are simply masculine, both cis and trans. Those who have deep voices that instantly identify them, who grow beards, and muscles, and chest hair, and broad shoulders. I wish I had some of those things, that I didn't get called "ma'am" when taking orders over a McDonald's intercom or asked if I'm trans by every passerby who has decided I "don't pass enough"

I'm jealous of the men who are certainly not. Who embrace their feminine sides and have smoothness and joy in distancing themselves from masculinity. Those who can engage in drag and not be held back by their bodies.

I'm envious of those gay and bi men who can pass as straight by virtue of their masculinity, who have the option to keep the secret if they want to, instead of being me who gets outed just by the way I talk or stand or hold myself while thinking. I enjoy the "as if you didn't know" jokes when Pride rolls around, but I wish it was a joke I didn't need.

Perhaps a lot of these are internalized homophobia that I need to work through. Or perhaps a strain of learned transphobia that I haven't quite shaken off yet. Some of them are definitely tied to my own body issues and aren't the fault of any of the categories mentioned or otherwise. They are my issues and mine alone. They need work, I'm far from perfect. But at least I can say them out loud to myself and acknowledge that I don't need to be perfect to be me.

And I guess this is a letter to the others out there too. Those of you who are envious. Who talk about body positivity and self-love but still struggle to love and accept yourselves. I see you. You're not alone. Because I'm still going through the same fight.

I keep telling myself that "after I move out I'll change something" or "after I graduate college and become more financially independent" or even "maybe I'll get to it by the time my siblings graduate and move on". I keep moving my goals posts, which is definitely a problem. There are people I've never fully admitted to about being gay, there are others who just know by the way I act, and some who saw the signs but decided that didn't change how I should be seen as a person (and I treasure them the most).

I hope everyone had a happy Pride. And I hope that if you chose to accept my pitch for Gay Envy, we have a growing experience seeing each other struggle and knowing we're not in it alone.

[averyauthorship]

Find the word tag game!

I've gone one of these before, but I think it's fun! Let's try to see if I can find these words in my current WIP (which I have temporarily and affectionately named "What's In A D8." Get it? D8 like the dice? Also sounds like "date." It's funny. (Since the perspective switches by chapter, I labeled which of the two main characters is speaking.)

The words I have to find are: torture, talking, time, teeth.

The words I will assign to others (I'm not tagging anyone specific, just do this if you feel like it!!): mumble, smooth, jump, lift

Torture (I did not have this one, so I went back and rewrote a sentence I already didn't love!)

(Sam) The crowded JFK International isn’t much better, but I manage. And I even get to my gate thirty minutes before boarding. Then, the second flight is smooth sailing. Except I’m sitting in front of a little terror of a child who keeps reaching through the seat to tug at my curls. I want nothing more than to whip around and scold him. Teach him the lesson that you don’t touch a Black girl’s hair—EVER—or any stranger’s hair, for the matter. But I can’t bring myself to do it. With everything else going on, and with my anxiety whipped up into a nice, frenzied froth, I just sit back and accept the small torture.

Talking (Common words are hard! Gotta choose carefully...)

(Link) She’s browsing the aisles of dice and paintable figurines. Sometimes, she buys a new playbook. More often, she just buys another pack of dice. She’s purchased at least eight sets since she first started shopping here. I’m pretty sure this is my sixth time seeing her. Maybe the seventh. Whenever I’m not working, I’m here, either helping Chris with unpaid labor, or else talking their ear off about work and games, so I’ve probably been here every time she’s come in. We’ve never talked.

Time (This word comes up a LOT. It's also in my last quote, but meh.)

(Sam) Rescued any princesses? I scream internally. I’m crunched into myself on the near-empty bus, my fingers digging into my forehead. Where’s the Master Sword? What is wrong with me? When I was in kindergarten, kids used to call me Sam-I-Am, like from Green Eggs and Ham, because that was the only other Sam they knew. I remember how annoying it was to hear the same joke every single time I introduced myself to a new friend. And I just turned around and said the exact thing that this “Link” has probably heard a million times and a half.

Teeth (I'm happy I actually had something for this one. I wasn't sure.)

(Sam) With her worries resolved, and mine solidified into a hard knot in my stomach, we return to our table. Link is still sitting there, sneaking a peek at my game binder. My mouth twitches into something like a smirk. I place my hand flat on top of the page he’s perusing. “Trying to gain an advantage?” Like any good GM, I keep my stories secret. Luckily, I didn’t put anything important on that page. It’s just character backstory stuff. Link jumps back with a start. He smiles up at me, no teeth, but a dimple presses into one of his cheeks, just above the line of his beard. “I promise I don’t cheat,” he assures me. “I’m just curious. You didn’t exactly tell me anything when you invited me to play.”

[fappellmoan]

gonna complain again even tho i already spent time on it yesterday immediately after having to hang out with this person (oh my god i ranted for so long this is going under a keep reading)

so i hung out with my fun cool stoner friend and our one roommate from when we were in la last night and i mostly put up w her for the sake of my other friends but she’s sooooo annoying in that she’s someone that’s impossible to hang out with as a dyke im sory but there are the other issues too. like ok for instance her idea of being bisexual!! and having her gay AND straight media taste!!! (first of all huh) is like heartstopper and the summer i turned pretty. girl in neither of those situations are there women and especially lesbians at the forefront i mean yes ik heartstopper but like thats for two seconds. and im annoying and brought up my lesbian media to resounding silence shockingly whatever. and then. this part burned me and insulted me to my core. bc you know how kit connors kind of like a baby butch to me and im so serious sorry like he contains multitudes. and i kinda made a little comment abt that affectionately and she shows me this prettyboy from like whatever fucking show and tried to be like ‘abby just imagine him as a butch’ and i flat out was like im sorry he is Not giving. like that is just an annoying toxic skater niceguy blonde. whatever. like do not ever ever ever disrespect butches like that in front of me ever again. and then shes also just sooooo hyper consumerist and like. she brought up the low committment long distance etc joke from barbie and didnt even know it was from barbie and was like haha need me one of those i guess. i was like girl why would you want someone that disrespects u and ur time and uses u like purposefully. that was meant to poke at how toxic men get away with being to girls in modern dating. want better for yourself!!!!! and then i was sooo fucking stoned from a bong rip having the time of my life doing a little bit with the other friend and our buddy on facetime and she just kept going on about this person shes going on a date with except the other friend was like oh! they use they/them pronouns. and she was like right sorry i keep screwing that up!!!!! and then continued to use he/him. so im mostly non verbal cause shes like exhausting just going on and on and im high but i keep trying to be like. yeah they seem cool. hope it goes well with them. like. i felt like i was being microaggressed not necessarily in that instance just as a lesbian. shes bi but very much not past her internalized misogyny and homophobia. clearly. it’s exhausting!!!! im sorry i cant talk about men for that long and then i try to be excited about my attraction too and u get all funky............. like. ok. or making weird comments alluding to me just being wildly sexual abt women. like. yeah ok sure. for sure thats normal. like. this is also the girl whos a marketing major and uses ai all the time and pisses me off with her hella hyper consumerism grindset mentality bc it’s like she always wants us to comment on how productive she is and if i try to nicely be like You should give yourself a break sometimes too! she’ll be like Yeah haha guess im being a bit self destructive. girl it’s not sillyquirky like!!!! we all have our struggles but you gotta work on getting better abt it... and she also just gives ‘haha what drugs were they on thats so crazy’ about like everything i say or like or whatever and its like babe its really not even that crazy like. u are just so boring and you speak solely through references to memes. but you wont even just bring it up and joke about it in the present moment with your friends like. she spent a while finding a screenshot of a tumblr post that i was like haha yeah i saw that! it’s totally - u know whatever. and was not satisfied until she could prove she like saw it idk u get what i mean like. i understand i literally reblogged the post. its a silly little joke yes i relate. say something true and beautiful. idk. thanks if u read this ig i couldnt tell if my one friend was prompting me today to see if i was annoyed last night bc i thought she might also be too (bc it got so awkward silent with her going on and on abt the date and that fucking show and we were all like yeah. mhm. no for sure yeah. like how do u not get self aware idk) but we’ve all spoken abt this girl like shes some saint and ive just kinda been like haha sure... but i dont want her near my work and art and etc cause shes so shallow and has social media brain disease. she freaked out about twitter being weird now and how she prefers threads perhaps. like u have threads??? ok... it was so hard for me to be nice guys

[greatbigbellies]

This may sound awful, I hope there is no judgements.

So I recently married my best friend. We have always agreed that we would be open to additional partners. During our honeymoon we had deep discussions about our breeding kink. I have had a closet kink about being bred by someone other than my husband long before we ever started dating.

Have you ever had a feeling of wanting to be unfaithful and sowing the seed of another?

I'm gonna preface this with an explicit statement that there are no judgements from me, and if I catch anyone commenting overtly negative things to shame the anon in question you'll be blocked.

TL;DR take my advice with a grain of salt. I don't have those fantasies myself but there are a lot of contextual reasons as to why. If you wanna indulge than just discuss with your husband and remember he's a good guy regardless of his response. Also RP is a great way to circumvent reality for a spicy evening.

I'm honored and humbled that people will still occasionally come to me for advice for kink stuff. Please remember that I'm a stranger on the internet with very little context on you or your husband so please think critically about what I'm saying and take it with about as many grains of salt as an advice column.

First off, congrats on getting married and I hope you two are happy together for many years to come! I hope you don't feel bad about having those thoughts and feelings, and for having that kink. Just... thinking about something, unless you're contemplating hurting someone, isn't really harmful, in my opinion, cause you're not acting on those thoughts. I think, especially if its a fantasy like that, there isn't something inherently wrong or bad about entertaining those thoughts internally.

To answer your question, I have not had those fantasies myself, but it's important to consider my circumstances and context. I am a trans woman, so I cannot get pregnant myself. I also do not want kids in really any fashion so like... being with someone who is pregnant, while that is kinda the ultimate fantasy in my little preggo fetish lizard brain, isn't likely... If the planets aligned and the universe's random whims smiled upon me and I hooked up with someone who was like a surrogate or something I'd be living my best life... But honestly anything outside of some weird sexual roleplay with a pillow under my shirt is unrealistic for ME, so it's kind of all fantasy from my perspective.

I think for you, it kinda depends on how much you want to indulge that... going off of just the ask, it sounds like you and your husband have a pretty good relationship with healthy communication. Unless the fantasy hinges on him not knowing at all, I think it could be worth having an honest discussion about it with him? The words "our breeding kink" tells me y'all both like reproduction-centric fantasies, and "closet kink" leads me to believe you haven't told him about it yet? I could be misreading though, again, limited context. In any case, if it's something you want to pursue, gauge for comfort from him. If he's okay with it, awesome, you can talk about what you both want to do to indulge it going forward. If it makes him uncomfortable in some way, that's also okay. That doesn't make him a bad guy. Kink is an aspect of sex, and sex is all about consent.

To kinda wrap up, also remember that it's not like you have to just... dive in face first and get bred by someone other than your husband, immediately or at all. There's a lot you can simulate and enjoy just in roleplay. If you end up finding another partner, you could work something out between all of you. Hell, if you do have a kid with your husband, you could just play into a fantasy that it's NOT his while you're pregnant sometimes, for the thrill of indulging that kink (again hinging on his comfort and consent with it). With kinks like this, you gotta find that balance of enjoying and indulging them while keeping in check with reality. (That's why this lady isn't gonna have any kids, but when she's with someone romantically will definitely lobby to get one of those big fake silicone pregnant bellies because I still wanna be a freak with my partner in the comfort of my own home!)

Yowza that's a novel. I hope I kinda answered your question and got around to the point you wanted me to? Regardless of your decision going forward, I hope you a least feel better about having that fantasy. There's genuinely nothing wrong with it.

[peniscat]

hi i don't think i can say anything that hasn't already been said but. almost 25 years old and in exactly the same boat ✌️ i feel like comparison is the worst part of it. if none of my friends were dating/in relationships i would feel a lot better about not doing that but no, they are. and it feels like something is fundamentally wrong with me that i can't do that.

but tbh, i think all of it is bullshit. yes, it's lonely, yes, it's isolating, but why waste so much time focusing on what we don't have instead of what we do? and it's also bullshit to be defined by what you haven't experienced. there's people who have never swum in the ocean or had a potato chip. that doesn't make them freaks, that just makes them people who haven't done something. so?

(also, not to sound too anti-romance, but our idea of romantic love was invented by novelists in the 18th century. that helps me sometimes when i feel like i'm doing life wrong lol)

i feel like the comparison is a big part that gets me, because like. if everyone else succeeds in something that has historically been impossible to me, it must mean there is something wrong with me, right? but i gotta say that i love the sort of. aggressive attitude you have because yeah!! it is bullshit <3 thank you for giving me some more perspective on my situation because you're absolutely right - there's nothing wrong with me, i'm just a person who hasn't done something. if only i could internalize that sjhdjsjfje

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Yeah it’s possible, if you knowing about them isn’t what’s best for your path. Usually if you are meant to be going though a period of self development or focus, the energy between counterparts is less intense because each is spending it on themselves. Which ironically, when you come out of it can make you closer because you are both more yourselves which means closer to one another. Soulmates you may not be aware of at all, especially if they are meant to surprise you. ///

That's it. Since as a kid, i've never been one to rush into relationships like "oh my god i gotta get someone soon" or i'm going to assume that anyone who dazzles me is my soulmate, I always felt like I was meant for someone, i used to say "there's someone out there to me so that’s why i'm not desesperate" when telling my friends about being calm unlike other girls my age who were intense for boys. I think i have to work on things internal and external to be able to receive the soulmate in my life, it's a matter of time. I also think this person will come into my life when I least expect.

In 2021, i used to ask around in tarot blogs about my soulmate, i'd like to discover personality traits or the dynamic with my destined person, but i got all "🙁" when each reader were picking in a different personality (i know we have a lot of soulmates but i specified for them) plus it wasn't like "passing the vibe" you know, the person was totally different, i was like "ah😐. I don't know if i would like to date someone like this" "where would i find someone with this job, if i don't even go to these places" also the description were too vague and cloudy,

i relate the insights of our type of person and soulmate that astrochart can give.

I think of the cherry of the cake, i don't know if you believe it, or if what was said is true but when I went to church (i think is a spiritual place, i don't go anymore but i love God's guidance) and the pastor out of a blue started talking about divination and how we're not supposed to know what's going to happen, about God's blessings that are coming and we have to stop because that can have consequences if we keep messing with it... 👀 i felt called out and slowed down about this, now i only know what i'm allowed to know, and i won't ask here about my soulmate, i will only wait.

It's the first time i open about this with someone. I personally don't know anyone older and wise into spirituality, psychic, intuitive or reader and my family is religious intolerant who doesn't like anything other than God and just God.

there's my dad's stepmother who reads tarot and is spiritual, she was a witch but as I grew up with my intolerant mother who hates her she would laugh if I asked for advices like this, she's also nosy, gossipy, idk i dont trust her to tell things like this lol. Damn, why did it take me so long to send ask to your blog? lol it's good to have you here sharing knowledge for free.

Ohhh a lot to impact

1– you are comparing yourself to others to make yourself feel superior. Your decision to work on yourself and not focus on relationships doesn’t mean that those who focused on relationships were desperate. In fact, by not opening up to relationships beyond the person you think is meant for you, you may have kept yourself back from valuable lessons that would have you appreciate your soulmate even more. Things that would make you a better partner. I’m so happy I dated my exes. Because when someone treats me right, I will really know what that means. I have basic skills of what it means to live with someone, I know more about how to communicate my own needs and how to see what others need from me. I think it’s great you want to work on yourself but I encourage you to look deeper into if you really are content waiting for who you believe is made for you, or if you are scared to put yourself out there and get hurt. Sometimes playing it safe and sitting on the sidelines of life can give you valuable insight but it can also keep you from playing the game.

2– that’s the problem though isn’t it? Why are you so focused on them? That’s you trying to control things. You’re asking to get an answer that you already have formed in your mind is correct. My soulmate is like this… Limited thinking. I’m really glad you noticed this and changed. I’m proud of you. That’s not easy to do. Seeing ourselves clearly can be the hardest thing.

3– I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me here. I appreciate everyone here for their patience and acceptance. I know some of my responses are kinda harsh and direct and thank you for understanding. I mean the beginning of this response I’m like ooo that’s a bit… but like that’s what I’m here to do. I do that with my family and my friends and people I’m seeing too. It’s not something I want to change. I used to hate it because I felt like it made me hurt people and they didn’t like me, they said I’m too much. But now I realize this is my gift. So many people in life go through it without someone to really call them on their bullshit. I’m blessed as fuck to have friends who do. I just have to call shit out when I see it and it’s not me making a judgement of you, always an observation, and you don’t have to agree with it but I still have to say it.

4. I hope you can heal your mother wound. It’s hard. I think one of the greatest things about therapy was seeing the intricacies of the way my parents instilled stuff in me. And now I can see how their parents instilled it into them. Im blessed I have such wonderful people as parents. Both my mom and my dad are genuinely kind and loving people and they are open to growing and changing. I told my therapist today sometimes I feel like I’m watching my parents grow up. It’s peculiar but like sometimes when we talk, I’m like yay mom is finally getting it, or my dad and how he handles things now. I’m just so proud of them. It’s hard letting our parents be people and change and grow too. I struggle to let my mom be different, to realize how she acted when I was growing up may not be how she acts now.

Thanks for sending in so much for me to respond to. I’m rooting for you nonniekins, 2023 is gonna be your year.

[centrally-unplanned]

I don't disagree with any of this on like the ground, and humans evolved from our past and carry that baggage forward, but I think that we should acknowledge how uncommon any of these are in modern society but people do seem to still feel this way. Modern men in developed societies are in the main not drafted, most will never be in any fight of note, certainly not a fight that has like large numbers and gender dynamics, men and women work more-or-less equally, etc. I think its worth asking instead why removing all these so-called "roots" hasn't budged the problem - in fact I think most believe that men in the past didn't feel this way, at least not in the same way.

I do think this is a real phenomenon (though not universally felt by any means), and it generally comes from social dynamics and romance, like most gender stuff does. A lot of group social dynamics are fraught and often competitive, particularly post-puberty (and 8 year olds don't feel this way anyway). And an experience a lot of young men have is that, with male peers, they really feel like they gotta work to get social respect. Sometimes its outright shaming or bullying. More often its just...a lack of attention in a social circle, the understanding that no one really wants you there. And sometimes you are perfectly socially successful but see the guys who are simply better, who get more for it, and you want that.

Then you enter a mixed-gender social setting and the girls just don't have to do that? They don't 'have' to compete, people pay attention to them anyway. Some of this is real, women with women are just as competitive but in mixed gender spaces the rules are different, they really do have it easier in some ways (definitely not in others!! but off topic). Other parts of this are abstract and internally-mediated; you want something different from female peers (remember this is 15 year old boys, they wanna fuck everything and also don't know what that means yet), you don't really grok your own place in regards to them, and because you don't hold them to the same standard you self-reflect that society doesn't either. I think this is a big source of things that "ancestral property rights" shit misses - the lived experience of many men that, sure, true crushes are rarer, but still they would probably take a chance on half of their high school peers if offered it, but they aren't offered it, and never see the other side of that coin. Even gay/queer men pick up on this dynamic from their peers, and observe a supposed gap between them and their female friends in desire.

(As long as they are hot enough of course, huge asterisk but the majority of young women are, we are gonna set this aside for now. I believe this feeling is defined by the young; the fact that older women are treated much more disposably by society is true but irrelevant to the 15 year old developing this complex)

This extends to friendships, and a lot of wider society stuff too - the romance stuff is the most explicit but similar dynamics eep out everywhere, particularly as you compare lived experiences. To give a common experience - you might be friends with a woman, not interested in her much at all romantically, but the idea of opening up about your weaknesses would make you less attractive to her, in your mind, and you can't do it. While meanwhile if she did that, you wouldn't care, how could her weaknesses make her less attractive?? This is all internal, she says nothing to you, but you feel it all the same.

Also imo most people are hesitant to say this primarily about sex/romance, that to say that would make people seem shallow. I think that is silly, and if you get over one's social shame it becomes clear that this emotional hang-up is primarily about sex & romance, even if it isn't totally (There is a second avenue for this feeling, the "failson projection", which is connected-but-different-enough but this is long enough already).

Now what some people will point to is things like dating dynamics, like oh women prefer men who make more money than them (statistically true), young men are less attractive to women than women are to men (also statistically true), and so on as causes. And these definitely hurt - using a dating app as a man definitely definitely hurts. Or even the MRA-type calling cards, like oh the legal system punishes fathers and rewards mothers, or yeah if we got to war we are expected to fight. But imo these are abstract facts, they don't cause emotions (the dating apps do a bit). Actual dating doesn't look like a credit check, someone just likes you or doesn't. Instead they inform emotions that already exist, taking something amorphous and giving it shape. People slot the social dynamic of their early lives into constructs built by media, by society, by their parents, etc. They experience a core inequality and define it by the gender relations that surround them.

i don't really get the whole "women are seen as inherently valuable while men need to earn their value" thing that a lot of people assume to be true. is there some kind of evidence that it is true? i'm not really sure how that would fit together with studies about sons receiving preferential treatment from parents and so on.

[duckwithablog]

Hello! Can I request this?? The mayor really likes s/o (he's literally a Simp) and although Sun Wukong knows that s/o is completely loyal and trusts them, he doesn't like that the man tries to flirt with s/o or gives compliments even though the mayor knows that s/o is not single

ok so first of all, Wukong is NOT happy

he tries to pretend to be all chill about it, saying that he knows you won't leave him for some mayor because you literally have the Handsome Monkey King as your boyfriend

but internally he's super irritated that the Mayor is trying to woo you, since you're CLEARLY already in a relationship

he trusts you, of course he does! it's that creepy ass mayor he doesn't trust

he can't really go out in public since, you know... he's been MIA for the past 500 years? But the moment he hears about the mayor's 'admiration' for you, he's suddenly SO insistent on going with you whenever you leave the mountain

"Are you sure you wanna go? I know you aren't that good with crowds-"

"Pfft, it's fine! I can handle a few people, no biggie."

sticks to your side 24/7 when yall go out + he's always somehow touching you

mans has his arm around either your waist or shoulders. he'd wrap his tail around you if he could

one part of him hopes that you guys wont run into your admirer and just have fun, while another part wants to get a peek at the mortal that's trying so hard to court his s/o

but since life is never easy and that mayor is a hardcore simp, the Mayor just appears out of nowhere and comes up to you guys to talk

you casually greet the mayor while Wukong just eyes him up and down, not impressed

Wukong's first thought was 'Huh, he doesn't look that bad'

but then when the Mayor opens his mouth and his words were to FLIRT WITH YOU

Wukong immediately goes 'OH WHAT THE HELL?!'

Wukong is so surprised at this mans audacity. which is saying something because Wukong used to be the most audacious guy ever when he was younger

literally when the mayor decides to flirt with you, he gives him the most deadliest stink eye ever and pulls you in closer to him

mayor is not fazed and continues flirting

the way he flirts is.... questionable

"Hello, my dear! You smell delightful tonight!"

"What the fu-"

Wukong then chooses that that was the PERFECT time for him to introduce himself

"Hey there, buddy! Sorry, we didn't really notice you. You know, since we were so focused on our DATE. Nice to meet you, I'm Y/n's BOYFRIEND."

he says this all so passive aggressively while he shakes the Mayor's hand with an intense grip

he is not subtle at all, you gotta nudge him with your elbow so he can tone down his boldness

the Mayor just laughs, as if this random guy just didn't try to break all of his fingers with a handshake

he continues on conversing with you guys, saying things like "I didn't realise you two were together!" and Wukong is thinking "OH REALLY??"

Wukong keeps on interrupting Mayor whenever he speaks during the convo, FULLY intent on annoying him

he goes full asshole to the Mayor. Wukong is channeling his inner JTTW younger self to deal with him

of course, he tries to act mature but sometimes he just slips and says something so rude that you gotta remind him that he's talking to the LITERAL MAYOR OF THE CITY

Wukong doesn't care. he does not give a shit, he's the Monkey King! Why should he be worried about some mortal mayor?

if only he knew who the mayor worked for, maybe he'd be more worried

he also turns up the PDA to 100. Leaning into you so much he's practically cuddling your side, calling you various petnames, gives you random kisses here and there

He keeps on hammering in the idea that 'THEYRE MY PARTNER BACK OFF' to the Mayor the entire conversation

but somehow, the Mayor just doesn't get the hint??? either that, or he KNOWS and just chooses to ignore it

eventually, the Mayor has to leave to do his duties and Wukong is so relieved

"Aww, pssh, no worries man. You should totally go do your mayorly work, you know, since you're such an important figure. Okay, bye bye now!!"

Wukong is shooing this guy away, no shame at all

but apparently, the Mayor REALLY just wanted to piss him off today

so before he left, he takes your hand, kisses it, smiles and leaves. leaving you and Wukong gaping and staring off after him

Wukong is FUMING from next to you. you can see the steam coming out of his ears. he's restraining the urge to clobber the guy right now

"The nerve! Can you believe him?? I was literally right there!"

he then goes on to trash talk the mayor the entire day, insulting him for following you around like a puppy and his terrible flirting skills

"I can flirt so much better than him. You agree with me, right?" "Of course I do, you're my boyfriend after all."

The ego boost he gets after hearing that

"Yeah. Yeah, I am your boyfriend! That guy should really back off before I show him who I really am!"

he jokingly says that he might actually reveal his identity to the mayor just to scare him off, but you convince him not to since he'll get into so much trouble if he does

he won't actually do it, but he just thinks about it sometimes. kind of like a late night thought he thinks about at 3am

you gotta talk to him about the whole situation, because Sun "I have communication issues" Wukong would definitely try to act as if it doesn't bother him when it clearly does

he doesn't really need it, since he knows that you won't leave him, but... reassure him that you won't ditch him. he appreciates it a LOT

you also gotta let him know if he gets too suffocating with his affection, or if he gets a bit too hissy at the Mayor (or else his lawyer is gonna have to send another angry email)

ok being fr though, the Mayor is LUCKY that Wukong has more self control than he had during his journey. if he wasn't as mature as he was, the Mayor would've probably DIED

it's ON SIGHT, mf. not even the lady bone demon can save his ass

he tells you to tell him if any of the mayor's advances make you uncomfy. because if so, he'll hit up his lawyer and file a lawsuit

sometimes he groans about the Mayor being such a simp and makes fun of him for it

"Aren't you technically a simp as well?" "I'm your boyfriend, I'm your #1 simp! That guy is just some rookie compared to me."

anyways, you got 2 powerful beings simping for your ass and they're starting a cat fight with one another. please stop them before the decimate the entire city

This was such a fun request to do- Wukong seeing the mayor simp for his s/o and going "the lion the witch and the AUDACITY OF THIS BITCH" is hilarious to me

[fluffyfranny]

Birthday Gone Bonkers

Summary: It's June 9th, which means it's our favorite dog-loving biker's birthday! And his kyoudai has early morning plans for him in the form of greeting him bright and early on his special day!

However, someone else has early morning plans as well-

Inspiration for this story comes from @mickules (hope the mention is okay :'3) and their parent trap AU featuring Taka and Ishida as brothers! To summarize, chaos ensues with both of them in the same room >:3

6:09 AM.

Of all times to be woken up from one of the best sleeps so far this early into summer break, it was this early.

However, the time served its purpose.

As Mondo reached one sleep-numb arm to the nightstand to nab his phone off the charger, the time and date were in sync. His eyes squinted at the screen, the room still being dark and him being just roused from deep slumber, and did a miniature double-take upon realization:

June 9th at 6:09 AM.

His birthday.

A humored huff left his lips and blew a few strands of bleached orange hair from his vision as he held the phone up to his ear, sleepy grin intact until a voice as loud as a freight train yanked him from his daze, causing him to almost chuck the phone against the wall.

"Happy birthday, little bro!"

Daiya, you scumbag...

"Heh, thanks Dai..." he nearly whispered, voice still deep and raspy from sleep. "But I gotta ask, was this on purpose?"

"Whaddya mean, my guy?" His older brother questioned, the smile apparent in his voice on the other line. "OH, the time! Yeahhh, that was intentional."

"What on Earth gave ya the idea to wake me up this early?" Mondo questioned, bringing his free fist to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"Oh, it was Michi's idea!" Daiya confessed. Just as he stated this, another voice came over the line, further rousing Mondo from sleep.

"Yo, s'that Mondo?" Takemichi's voice came through muffled, as if he were trying to shove Daiya out of the way so he could get to the phone. "HEY BIG GUY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Mondo squeezed his eyes shut at this second ear-blasting birthday wish, but responded the same as he did to Daiya; he ;et out a sleep-laced chuckle. "Thanks, lil dude."

"Hard to believe you're still younger than me even though you're a giant!" Daiya teased from beside Michi.

"HEY," Mondo fussed, mentally making a fist as he wanted nothing more to put Daiya in a headlock after that. "Ya don't gotta bring that up all the time, dude!"

A few belly-shaking laughs came from the older biker, and Michi, on the other line, was hunched over, wheezing himself as he slapped a hand over his knee.

"Nah, I'm just messin' with ya, big guy," Daiya reassured. "Jus' figured we'd give ya a call before you get swept up in the day. We're gonna try and stop by later if my bike comes outta the shop in time."

"Ahh, no worries if ya can't," Mondo admitted, sweeping his hair out of his face. "We can always go out an' celebrate late if that's what we gotta do."

"Whatever floats your boat, broski," Michi chimed in again.

"Pssh, love ya too, lil guy."

"What was that, you big ol-"

"Enough, Michi, let the boss man go," Daiya scolded playfully. "Besides, his kyoudai is probably already up by how loud we've been screamin'."

Mondo snorted. This wouldn't be the first time that he'd woken Taka up during an early morning call, or morning in general. Sometimes it was the snoring, other times he may or may not have rolled him off the bed...

He did a double-take towards the door when he thought he picked out the sound of the floorboards creaking from outside his bedroom, followed by the sound of footsteps getting louder and shuffling across the wood before descending downstairs. He slapped a hand to his forehead and rubbed it as he groaned internally:

Ah shit, did I actually wake him up?

"Mon, hey, you there?" Michi was trying to get his attention from the other line, and he shook his head to clear it as he sputtered.

"Y-yeah, sorry man, just..." He glanced back at the door. "Thought I heard somethin'. It's still early, ya know?"

"Yeah, we gotcha," the shorter blonde assured. "We're gonna let ya go now in case ye wanna catch another few winks."

Daiya took the phone. "What lil man said, we'll talk to ya later. I'll let ya know if we're gonna make it."

Mondo nodded. "Yeah, sure thing. Talk later, bro."

"Bye-bye, birthday boy~" The two jeered teasingly, hanging up quickly so Mondo wouldn't have enough time to bite back.

"HEY, why I oughta-!" He sighed as the line went dead, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to put his phone back on the charger and slip on a white sleeveless top before shuffling towards the door.

Might as well get a head start today...

Upon closing the door to his bedroom, Mondo swore he could hear whispers coming from the hallways. He checked behind him towards the door that housed Taka's room, but it was shut and nobody was there.

Then, it hit him: he had heard something earlier...

Downstairs...

Having not bothered to out his hair up even into a low ponytail, Mondo swept the mop of strands that hung over his face to one side, raking his hand through it to smooth it down before descending the stairwell to the adjoined living room and kitchen. As he did, the whispers seemed to cease, having taken notice of the biker's presence.

Upon entering the living room, he could make out Taka through blurry eyes.

"Happy birthday, kyoudai!"

The third wish of the day wasn't as loud as those of his brothers, for he was a distance away from him, so he shot a wink and a still-sleepy grin in his directions.

"Thanks, bro, but don't ya think it's a bit too-"

Mondo paused mid-sentence as he was, quite literally, seeing double. There were two outlines of his bro standing in front of him, and he tried rubbing his eyes to rid of the double vision.

Nope, still two of him. And his eyes weren't even blurry...

Wait wait wait-

"What's the matter, bro?" The two of him said in sync, tilting their heads to the side while sparing each other a sideways glance, red eyes glimmering even this early in the morning.

"Don't you pull this kinda shit with me today..." He snarled lowly.

"What? Whatever do you mean?" The Taka on the left spoke, rather confused.

"I haven't the slightest clue what you mean, kyoudai..." The right Taka admitted, eyes keeping their gaze on Mondo.

"Kiyo, you fucker..." Mondo sneered, eyes flicking between the two forms of his bro, trying to discern which one of the two was his real kyoudai.

Kiyo, nickname for Taka's twin brother, Ishida, had the tendency to disguise himself as his older sibling with makeup and hair dye, as well as spot-on voice mimicry. The only difference between the two was an ever so slight difference in their eye color, but Mondo was both too enraged and sleepy still to put effort into glaring deep into their eyes to make the real one out.

So alternate measures had to be taken... he'd figure out which one was the real Taka through means of recalling their knowledge of each other.

"Alright, this is how it's gonna go..." Mondo clarified with a clearing of his throat. "I'm gonna quiz ya both and break down the details. I'm gonna figure out which one of ya is fuckin' around with me."

Both Taka's eyes widened before collectively nodding, lips pursed together.

"Aight, uh, first off," Mondo's brain chugged to life as he tried to think of what to ask first. "What color are my eyes?"

"Purple," both of the Takas said in unison, with the one on the left perking up. "You do know that that's super obvious, right?"

Mondo huffed and wiped the corner of his lip with his thumb. "Yeah yeah, right, just startin' off easy! Now uh... what breed of dog is Chuck back at home?"

"A maltese," both Takas replied.

"You introduced him and his breed the day we met!" The Taka on the right piped up with a smile.

Mondo was getting frustrated now, even after two simple questions that had obvious answers. He pondered over the current situation and what information he had gathered.

Both had responded after answering at least once, one questioning him about how obvious and straightforward his questions and answers were, while the other followed up with gleefully recalling the reason behind the answer.

The real Taka wouldn't question him asking stupid questions, even thought he was a bit of a numbnut...

He could try one last thing...

"Alrighty then," Mondo perked up with this last proposition, a smirk creeping up onto his face. "One last thing...who wants their good morning kiss?"

At this, both Takas let out little gasps. The one on the right's cheeks went extremely pink, while the one on the left had a drop of sweat leak down his forehead and then his temple...

Leaving a trail of black without him seeming to notice...

Aha!

After analyzing their brief reactions, Mondo chuckled before approaching the Taka on the right, the one on the left watching from a sideways glance as he brought up a knuckle to wipe away the "sweat," only for his skin to come away black.

"Gotcha," Mondo rasped before pressing a brief smooch to the real Taka's lips, earning a squeak from him and hearing the other go:

"Awe, rats!"

After their brief embrace, Mondo and Taka turned to their left and saw the other Taka's eyes ignite, the black fading from his hair and revealing snowy white fluff as the dye leaked down his undershirt and his arms.

"Almost had ya, punk!" Ishida grumbled, ruffling his hair in defeat, almost having stolen a kiss from his lovesick brother on his kyoudai's birthday, of all days.

"Oh, don't think yer getting off the hook so easily," Mondo growled, a bony finger coming to point directly at him. "When my bros get here, so help me God, yer screwed..."

"Also, Kiyo..." Taka chimed in, a finger of his own pointing at his brother. "You're about to get hair dye all over the carpet."

Ishida glanced down his arms and the black trails of dye, looking like an eyeliner pen had exploded on him. He shrugged and slipped his white tank top off to mop at his skin, much to the dismay of Taka and Mondo.

"What? I'll just put er in the wash and it'll be spick and span!" He had missed a few spots, the inky dye leaving stained streaks down his arms and chest like zebra stripes.

"Yer gonna need a shower after we're done with ya..."

Unbeknownst to them, Daiya and Takemichi had arrived at their shared home and snuck the door open as the three had their confrontation, with the brothers holding back snickers as Michi had snuck a photo of the moment Mondo gave Taka a kiss.

Everyone whipped their heads towards the front door, and eyes instantly widened as Michi made his way towards Ishida, a pair of cupcakes in hand.

"H-hey little dude, wh- what're ya doing with those?" Ishida stammered, scooting towards the stairs.

"Oh, nothin'..." The blonde sneered, an evil smile pasted across his face. "Jus' wanna offer ya a little taste of...brotherly love."

He lunged at the white-haired twin, and Ishida yelped and made a beeline up the stairs, Michi right on his heels.

As the remaining three watched the early morning commotion, Daiya nonchalantly shut the door before pacing over to Mondo. "Wonder what the neighbors are gonna think of that one," he chimed right before putting his younger brother in a miniature headlock and mussing his already unkempt hair. "Happy birthday again, lil man!"

"I already told ya, I'm not LITTLE!" Mondo snapped, arms grasping at his older brother's in an attempt to get his own around his neck. The two had a miniature wrestling match before Taka intervened.

"Gentlemen, PLEASE!" He shouted the last word, causing them both to freeze where they stood, one of Mondo's hands deep into messing up Daiya's pompadour, while the older one's left arm was still around Mondo's shoulders. "It's still too early for this kind of horseplay!"

"Oh, like yer one to talk," Mondo spat teasingly as he winked in Taka's direction, making his cheeks flare up slightly. "YOU'RE the early riser around these parts that likes to rouse me outta hibernation!"

"Because the morning is important! You have to start your day the right way there and then!" The flush in his cheeks got deeper with this next bit. "E-especially today, cause it's your birthday!"

The brothers gave each other seething stares before they released each other, both going to smooth down their messed up hair. Mondo stepped forward to give Taka's own hair a rustle, the prefect's hands grasping at his wrists in protest, which earned laughs from both the Owadas.

A few seconds passed before someone could be heard stomping down the stairs. Ishida was back, only this time, with frosting matted in his locks and Michi's legs hooked around his abdomen as he kept himself latched on while rubbing the remains of the cupcakes through his hair. Both looked across at the trio, Ishida's eyes sagging with defeat but still glimmering with unseen rage, while Michi still had a smug grin across his face.

"What are y'all waiting for?" The blonde shouted gleefully. "Time to start the day!"

"Stop, lil dude, yer startin' to sound like Ishi," Mondo teased, earning a mock gasp and a playful smack to his chest from the back of the prefect's hand.

"How dare-!"

"I'm playin', dude, I'm playin' with ya, I promise!"

After a few more little laughs at the state everybody was in, they all collectively stared at Mondo, to which he responded with a classic rubbing of the back of his neck and a stammering response.

"Th-thank you guys, really. You make my birthday worthwhile."

He reached his arms out and dragged everyone into a big group hug, a few 'oof's escaping from Michi and Taka before they returned the gesture.

"Happy birthday to me, indeed..."

[withahappyrefrain]

Eff me up with some truth or dare with Peter? 🌻💛

Anything for you @spidervee, my favorite sunflower. I also put in some friends to lovers, as I know you enjoy that. Also this has some real idiots in love as well

Part of my 3K celebration!!

The smell of weed and cheap beer filled the room, mixing with the sounds of mindless conversations and chatter.

Your eyes scanned the room, a smile forming on your face when they landed on a tall, lanky figure who had a mop full of brown locks.

Peter's eyes met yours, eyebrows wiggling as he held up two red cups.

Your friend sat down next to you on the couch, handing you a cup.

"The finest beverage in all of Sigma Ki," He joked, putting on a phony British accent.

You threw your head back and laughed. What started as a chemistry project quickly landed you your best friend.

And your current crush.

Not that he could know that. Peter was reserved; the fact he let you in, the fact you knew about his secret identity, was extraordinary.

The last thing you wanted was to ruin it.

So you just smiled at him and took the drink he held out, ignoring that his fingers seemed to linger on yours for longer than they should have, the way the corner of his eyes seem to crinkle only for you.

After all, he had been drinking and it meant nothing.

"C'mon! Let's play a game!" Your classmate Betty's voice rang out as walked over to the couch area.

Peter leaned in, the scent of cinnamon flooding your nostrils, "Think if we ignore her, she'll go away?"

You did your best to hold back your laughter, shaking your head as you leaned towards your friend.

"Then she'll complain about how no one wants to play with. I think we should indulge her, what do you think?" You turned your head to find that it was now only inches away from Peter's.

God, he was beautiful. Even with the fading bruise that was hidden behind his stubble. It was tragic how beautiful he was. You almost wished he would go out, start dating again, just so you could begin the process of moving on.

It was then you realized that Peter hadn't answered your question.

"Earth to Peter Parker?" You giggled, waving a hand in front of him, which seemed to have broken him out of whatever trance he was in.

"What? Sorry, did you uh, get new body wash?"

He noticed? Sometimes it was difficult to tell what skills of Peter's had been enhanced by that Spider bite and what was purely Peter Parker.

"I did! It's not too much is it?" Self-consciousness began creeping in, your fingers toying with the hem of your jacket.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to you, Peter was internally cursing at himself for revealing that he paid such close attention to you, he could recognize a change as small as body wash.

"No, not at all! It's perfect- you're perfect," He said, taking a sip of his drink in an attempt to shut himself up.

"Oh uh, thanks Pete....." your voice trailed off. It was moments like these you wondered about the intent behind his words. Was it coming from a purely platonic place?

"Are you two in or not?" Both you and Peter silently thanked Betty for her interruption.

"What are we playing?"

"Truth or dare!" What were we, twelve? As if he could sense your oncoming snarky comment (he probably could), Peter gently elbowed you.

"Sounds great, count us in!" Peter chimed in, ignoring the glare you were sending your way.

Fighting an eye roll, you and Peter sat around the coffee table, joining the others Betty had rounded up.

"Remember, you totally don't have to answer the question or do the dare if you don't want to," Betty paused, "You just gotta chug your drink instead."

"I don't think our alcohol safety presentation from freshmen orientation would be very proud of us," Peter whispered, eliciting a giggle out of you. Not that it was hard for him to do that.

It started out simple. Are you a virgin? Email your professor right now. What drugs have you taken?

"I dare you to point to who you think is the hottest in this room," Betty told you.

Fuck.

Your mind instantly went to your friend who was sitting right beside you, watching you intently.

There was no way in hell you were pointing to Peter. There was also no way in hell you were going to point to a random frat guy.

So you chugged.

"So there is someone here you find hot!" Betty smirked. You shrugged your shoulders.

"Guess we'll never know now."

Your classmate rolled her eyes, "I'm sure Parker could get it out of you."

"But that would be me using my charm for nefarious purposes! Goes against my brand, right?" Peter's arm was now slung across your shoulders and it was taking everything in you not to stare at his biceps.

A squeeze alerted you that you hadn't answered. You nodded your head eagerly, agreeing with him.

It was platonic. Purely platonic. Friends were allowed to be affectionate with each other. Friends were allowed to call one another perfect.

"Parker, truth or dare?"

"Truth," He said before taking another sip of his drink. It was really stupid how soft his lips looked.

"Have you and Y/N ever kissed?" Only in your dreams.

"Uh....no," Peter ran a hand through his ridiculously soft hair, "W-we haven't."

Betty raised her eyebrows, "Do you want to?"

"You get one question per round," Peter reminded her. Because he couldn't just say no.

He also figured right now wouldn't exactly be the best time for you to learn what he really wanted to say.

Your eyes avoided Peter's as you got up to refill your beverage. Sure, you could say you wanted to go home and he would walk you back to your apartment. But would that be too obvious?

You returned back to your spot, Peter offering you that eye crinkled adorned smile that made your heart flutter while somehow also putting you at ease.

"Alright Parker, truth or dare?"

"I think I'll go with dare this time." You were thankful. That meant you would be spared another question that would remind you of your feelings for your best friend.

"I dare you and Y/N to kiss."

Fate had it out for you tonight.

You turned to Peter, whose face was now very red, "You don't have it if you don't want to. You could just chug."

Peter stared at his drink, "I'm reaching my limit."

Your brow furrowed in confusion. The man needed ten beers to feel a buzz, he was nowhere close to reaching his limit.

Peter's eyes darted back to you, "Unless you don't want to-"

"It's fine," You mumbled, "It's just one kiss."

You were the opposite of fine.

"Yeah," Peter put his drink down, "it's just a kiss."

Except it wasn't just a kiss.

It was the best kiss you ever had. Peter's lips were unbelievably soft and tasted like faint vanilla chapstick. His large hands cupped your face as he tilted your head up, deepening the kiss.

The wisps of his soft hair that had fallen over tickled your forehead. Without thinking, your hands found themselves on his chest and oh that his tongue swiping across your bottom lip. Your head was spinning and it wasn't due to the alcohol.

Somewhere in the background, there was faint cheering and claps. It was hard to take in anything else besides Peter's tongue.

A piece of popcorn hit your face, causing you and Peter to break away.

"Get a room you two!"

Your eyes darted to his now red lips. It was then you noticed the way his chest was practically heaving up and down, like when he had an eventful night of patrolling and the adrenaline was still coursing through his veins when-

Oh?

Was that good or bad? You knew what it meant in those romcoms because this was real life, not-

"Gladly."

The alcohol must have gone to your brain. Cause you to hallucinate, to mishear things. It had to be some stimulant energy drink mixed in with vodka that was doing this because there's no way your best friend, Peter Parker, just insinuated he would be glad to get a room with just you.

You look back at him, expecting to see that cheeky grin and exaggerated eyebrow wiggle to signal that he was only kidding.

He looked hungry.

Before you could say anything, your feet were no longer on the ground. Peter always loved to tease you that he could pick you up at any time if he wanted to.

In the back of your mind, it should have made sense, given that spider bite. But he was strong.

"I thought he only did skateboarding?" You heard a party-goer ask a friend.

In vain, you slapped Peter's back (as you were now conveniently thrown over his shoulder) to try to stop him, to put you down.

Finally he listened and your back made contact with a mattress.

You were in a room.

You were on a bed.

You were on a bed, in a room with your best friend Peter Parker.

Peter Parker, who was currently hovering over you, his face inches away from yours, licking his lips while staring you down?

You also had been drinking a lot.

"You're drunk," you blurted. Were you talking to yourself or Peter?

"I get drunk off your scent more than beer," He rasped, his forehead now touching yours, nuzzling your nose with his.

"What?" Your skin felt hot. Peter's calloused fingers brushed against your hips.

"Look, I had a whole plan for how I would finally tell you that I've been dying to kiss you since we got partnered up for that chemistry project. I even wrote out a whole speech. It's written down, in my pocket right now. I've been carrying it around for the last month," His face was stone cold sober, ignoring your widening eyes and agape mouth.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

"And I am going to pull out that speech and recite it to you. After I kiss you. Because I...." He laughed, "I just don't want to wait."

You stared at him for what felt like an eternity. Peter's words were on repeat in your brain.

"I....I didn't have a plan Peter. I....didn't think you felt that-"

"You just thought my face was naturally red whenever you smiled at me?"

All the signs were right fucking in front of you. And because you were a self-doubting idiot, you brushed them off, ignored it, made excuses for it that denied your hopes.

Peter's thumb trailed down your face, stopping to rub your bottom lip.

"Well thank God for Betty Brandt having enough chutzpah to dare us to kiss." Peter pressed his lips against your chin, moving up to your cheek.

You nodded your head, "Yeah th-thank God for that."

Peter's lips pressed against yours and somehow it was even better than the first time. Maybe it was due to the lack of crowd watching or the fact he wasn't doing this as some dare.

Or maybe it was the confirmation that your best friend returned the same feelings you had been harboring for months.