#sometimes i wish i wasnt as 'functional' as i am

[ndntighnari]

Its. Hard? Coming to terms that. Despite my best efforts. Despite how much i WANT to be able to support myself. And how much i want to give 50/50 in things im part of. That i don't think I'm going to be able to. That I'm. Very likely going to always need some sort of carer, even if it's just to help me do things like clean up or cook meals. Hell on good days I'll probably just need them to remind me to do things. But the average day is just. I can't do the things i need to do for basic care let alone for things like a steady job. But because I'm... Because i force myself to do things despite how much they hurt or how distressed and confused they make me. I know im not gonna qualify. Because the system is black and white either you need constant round the clock care to survive OR you're on your own because youre "high functioning" enough for them to not bother trying to find resources for you.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't i guess.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaaaah. It's frustrating living like this tbh.

Like. Its been years and I'm still struggling as much if not more than I did as a child.

I wonder, does anything ever truly change?

[damagedcoda6669]

okay so i am. so confused! are you a system/plural after all?

you made a post on your twitter about being the "original host" which is. a plural term of course but ALSO i'd like to say that the idea of there being an "original" is veeery misleading and not actually possible in DID/OSDD

the reason DID/OSDD exists at all is because a child's identity was unable to fully form in their developmental years, so the identity splits off and fractures into several parts necessary to keep the child safe. because of this, there can be no "original host" because there was never an identity formed that could be considered the "core," in a way, at all. it gives off the idea that there was one set identity that split off others later on in life, which isnt how DID/OSDD works in terms of alter formation

also, the disorder can only be developed in your early formative years, so its mostly unheard of for a system to go through life with a single part only to split off later on. your brain splits off alters in response to stressors or traumatic experiences, and so when the disorder is formed there would have to have been a fracture from the beginning where your identity wasnt able to come together to form a single one. multiple alters can be "original," in a sense, but there is not one sole original

i suppose that other alters could have simply been integrated and so they arent a part of your system anymore (leaving you as the "original host"), but thats probably not my place to explore and its all a bit too complicated for a tumblr ask

there are parts that have been around longer than all the other parts and there are parts that identify with/as the body or the head of the system, buuuut i just wanted to share that tidbit of information because misinformation can be very harmful when it comes to healthy plurality!!

in any case, dont let this cause you to spiral into more self-doubt because — surprise! DID/OSDD is supposed to be hard to understand or identify within yourself. its a trauma disorder formed to make you as functional as possible, so generally the disorder tries very hard to hide your other parts from you as to protect you from those traumas. being confused is a major part of plurality, and most long-term hosts do have the misconception of being "original" because there was no reason to think otherwise.

its also fully possible that you have been the host for the majority (or entirety) of your life, so dont get me wrong! im just trying to share that the idea of an "original" alter isnt possible.

regardless of whether or not you're plural, i wish you the best in exploring yourself and the way that your brain functions. you're doing great, truly!

and if i misinterpreted anything, im deeply sorry for that too. i'm just a stranger on the internet trying to provide input using the information i was given, and i genuinely dont mean any offense by this ask. DID/OSDD is also something i'm very interested in and passionate about as an autistic individual, so... im very sorry for the essay

THIS IS SO HELPFUL U HAVE NO IDEA. I KNOW NEXT 2 NOTHING ABT PLURALITY AND SYSTEMS. dont apologize 4 the rambling, its much appreciated!!! i get the same way abt bpd and autism so i get it!!! psychology and mental disorders r one of my special interests so im the same way!!! ^_^

i guess my post moreso came from the concern that i only have vry vry spotty, fuzzy, sometimes FAKE memories of my childhood, if any at all (id say i remember less than 1% of it, and most of what i "remember" is only becuz of photo evidence or testimony from other ppl) and my identity only rlly formed when i joined the internet at maybe 12 yrs old. so i sometimes have doubts that i formed when the body was born, but rather that i was created and that im a product of the internet inparticular, but that might also be a delusion??? its confusing, whenever i get ideas abt my identity they turn out 2 be fake sometimes. its hard 2 pinpoint what i am. so i was trying 2 say that i dont think ive been here since the birth of the body and that i spawned later on. idk if im explaining myself correctly, its hard 4 me 2 understand. but i appreciate u correcting me and explaining it 2 me in a way thats easy 4 me 2 digest!!! i dont want 2 spread misinfo evr.

i think im plural??? ive had liek 8 headmates (and a headspace at one point) that ive been able 2 identify, but nobodys rlly taken me srsly abt it until vry vry recently. ive always been told that im making it up 4 attention, or that im faking DID, and i was even told by a dumbass doctor that it was just my autism and that they were all imaginary. i nvr rlly claimed 2 be plural either, i always just got shot down whenevr i introduced the possibility of there being other sentient ppl in my brain. but i think that i am, probably. im not sticking 2 any labels atm becuz im confused and uneducated abt my headmates and im not diagnosed w anything, but i feel comfy with plural as a label becuz its a vague umbrella term. i nevr claimed 2 have DID becuz ive always known that my headmates cant front and take over my body (ive even asked one and she told me she couldnt LOL) ALTHOUGH. they MIGHT be able 2 front simultaneously as me, ive had edgy (whos currently dormant) finish art 4 me if i got tired, back in 2020 when he was still active. and i know alters fronting is a diagnostic requirement for DID (i think???) but i dunno. theres SOMETHING up w my brain.

i tried 2 post abt it on twitter actually, that i thought i was plural (a handful of ppl asked me so i wanted 2 confirm) but i deleted the post like an hour later becuz i wasnt getting any comments or likes and i was scared that i did something wrong and didnt know, or that im not actually plural and other plural ppl were mad at me 4 using their label. it made me so anxious >n<

i am such a yapper.. 4give me

[kittytiddycommittee]

How much would it bother you if a guy couldn’t get hard easily? Ive been struggling to find much of anything physically arousing for a while now, and feeing pretty self conscious about it. Really wish I could go on a date and just eat her out after without worrying about it being awkward that I wasnt hard. Not sure if I’m depressed, anxious, it’s the hairloss meds, or multiple of those things.

Relevant aside: shaved/buzzcut hairstyles on guys? I had medium-long wavy hair, and it’s one of the things female strangers were most likely to compliment me on. I hate to give it up, but I worry that I’m feeling shitty in part because of hair drugs messing with my hormones.

(obviously, I’ll make my own decisions about my life, im not leaving this up to a blogger Ive never met :) So dont worry haha)

I wouldn't say it would bother me. I sometimes have arousal issues in-person, too. I'm probably only interested in bottoming 20-30% of the time, so it's not about functionality as much as knowing someone is enjoying it. If I was sleeping with someone who had trouble getting hard, it would be very helpful to know about their meds so we could figure out how to work with it.

I am not at all a pillow princess, so the eat-it-then-beat-it model you described would not be super enjoyable for me personally, but it would probably work for plenty of other women as long as they were aware that they weren't the issue. Reevaluating how you approach sex and general sexual scripts would be a very good idea regardless.

As for hair, I may not be a good person to ask because hair is a significant part of attraction for me. However, my best relationship (and most attractive partner, imo) regularly shaved his head, so it's definitely not mandatory. I suppose it comes down to quality of life; Is the sex issue causing you more or less stress than your hair? I won't pretend to know how it feels to be losing hair so I'll refrain from any judgements there, but shaving your head won't nuke your attractiveness and it sounds like it might be worth getting your mojo back

But I'm just a random internet milf.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

Man those people on your ‘why are you straight edge’ poll are really showing their disdain for people who engage with any sort of drug… if I may add, I voted for having a medical restriction (my liver is failing thank youuuu immune system) AND I also take prescription opiate medication to help with pain. Every time I take my painkillers on days where I’m not working so that I can enjoy my hobbies I have complicated feelings about it because anti opiate rhetoric is just EVERYWHERE and it’s like… I just want to have a nice day. Getting over the ‘oh but it can be ADDICTIVE’ stigma is so important and it’s really not different just because I have a prescription. People who are so nasty about drug use for recreation are so stressful to me.

Ikr it's like people have such disdain for addicts, and drug users in general. I get upset about this because while I personally am a very casual user and I spend most of the time sober and am self assured so I can walk people being dicks about it off, but I know addicts and their lives are hard enough without all the stigma piled on top of it. I just wish everyone could be addiction neutral and pro harm reduction but they're so moralistic about it. I wasnt the politest I could have been about people not drinking and having sex because I was trying to keep it light and I know people take things like this really serious and it kinda backfired.

But like I totally know what you mean about the opioid thing. I really think that our society could benefit from being a little more addiction neutral, because yeah sometimes substance dependency does ruin your life, but I'm neurodivergent and I've met people where I think that doing life with drugs is better for them. Like you raise a great point about opioids. They're dangerous and addictive but if you're in pain because of a disability you need pain management. It's not really an option if you want to lead a normal life. There's a lot of heroin addicts who got that way because they needed pain management and their doctors refused them on the basis that they might become addicted, but taking a daily pill to improve your life, while it may be illegal depending on the substance, isn't bad. I bring up my own neurodivergence because I've heard of the same thing with ADHD and stimulants. Most people who have an ADHD diagnosis can get an Adderall prescription, but undiagnosed people and people falling through insurance cracks will sometimes turn to the street version. And it's like those people, both the ones with a script and the ones who are self medicating, should not be forced to live a substandard life because of someone else imagines there's some purity to a life without drugs. The goal should be to get those people the drugs they need in the safest way possible.

And I come down really easy, to the point where I forget to take prescription meds and don't experience any ill effects, but I have a friend who experiences a come down from their adhd meds thats not unlike the comedown ive seen from my other friend who's a meth user, and this friend with the ADHD meds can't function without them. But when the doctor and the pharmacist get them their meds on time they live a perfectly happy fulfilling life. That's what I mean when I say I'm addiction neutral. Most people who get addicted didn't just pick up heroin or whatever one day for shits and giggles. When I fuck around with "highly addictive" substances I make sure I'm in a good place and it's not a problem to drop them. People who develop problems are usually either they're escaping from something or self medicating. The goal for society can't be to never do drugs we've had drugs literally for longer than we've been humans.

I've heard second hand of a study which I haven't gone looking for, I might, because as you can tell this is a bit of a soap box for me, where they gave Heroin addicts a prescribed dose of heroin like you would pick up Percocet for chronic pain at a pharmacy, and because those addicts weren't shooting up mystery amounts and worrying where they were going to get their next hit from so they didn't start rattling and all the other things that make addicts lives hell, they were able to start doing things like holding down jobs. That study should have been a game changer. I want addicts to be able to live, and selfishly I want to be able to go to the drug store when I'm bored and say "one mdma high no fentanyl please" and leave with something to spice up the afternoon. That's like, not a moral failing on my part even though I'm not self medicating I'm just having fun.

The way the war on drugs has ruined drugs, which like, genuinely drugs are sort of magical when you think about it. Not just the fun ones either. Like when I was a baby I had a really bad bladder infection that absolutely would have killed me if I had had that same situation just like 100 years ago, but my mom was able to force a pill down my throat and it went away. Since then I've probably had at least a dozen little things like that that would have killed me dead if someone hadn't invented a chemical that could interact with my body and make it genuinely not a problem. and the fact that we have that for things like chronic pain and we're too afraid to use it because of stigma is so insane. Like god forbid people get high.

[cheezburgerrr]

Sometimes i think to myself maybe i should’ve never left home when i did and i always wonder what that would’ve looked like and im still curious but i know i wouldnt have so many things like i would’ve never met my partner and all of this i wouldn’t be moving to another state at the end of the year but like

what would’ve been the good parts in staying. i would still have a mother i guess but i mean she’s a horrible person so its good i dont gave her in my life but i guess i still miss her because i miss the presence of a “mother” even though a lot of the time she wasn’t one but the times she was it was really nice but it was always soured whenever i remembered and thought about how she would treat me regularly

just feeling lonely tonight and it sucks that i’ll never truly have a mother ever again and i mean i know my partners mother is there for me and i even call her mum but i just kind of hate the idea of family and her actually replacing my mother. its really weird. i have a really weird relationship with family anyway because its like i dont miss having a family per se but i do at the same times but i find it offputting and jarring to do “family things” like having a family dinner or board game/movie night because we never did those things growing up we would eat in our rooms by ourselves and i just grew up really independent and. i wish i didnt sometimes because i feel like now that im in a relationship im too dependent on my partner and i feel like im not really a person anymore without him

but i know i am because i can function without him but i hate functioning without him i just feel sluggish and like everything is in slow mo and im on autopilot and sometimes i just wish i could go back to my old life because i dont want to be an adult i just wish i was a kid again even though i was being abused i dont know i blocked a lot of it out so i dont even know anymore. maybe it was ok. i dont remember anything about my childhood all i know is i had a dog at one point when i was 3 and then we had to get rid of her because we moved house and we moved houses like a lot when i was a young kid and i still dont know why but we never got any other pets and i wasnt allowed to hang out with our neighbours kids so i had no friends growing up and one time i invited one of the neighbours kids to my house and we played and my mum got really mad at me when she got home (after she left because my grandma told my mum and she forced the other girl to go home) and told me that i would get r*ped i dont know why she said that i was only 8 years old

i hate thinking about my childhood but im not having a very good night and ill be sad if this gets flagged or taken down because im talking but i dont really know how tumblr works and what posts get taken down so im just going to censor some things because im writing these posts for myself while my counsellor is away because i dont remember what i want to talk about a lot and there are some important things i should talk about that i forget about and i think she would probably want to know about this

if anyone out there that isn’t me who is actually reading this i hope you are having a good day or night and thank you for reading everything i have to say. i hope you’re doing well i’m going to try and go to bed now and i hope i can sleep ok

i love you make sure you drink water and know that there is someone out there who cares about you

[document-id]

August tenth, at 1:04 am

Inconsequence is the killer of meaning, when all the end of the equations your try equal zero. Zero chance, zero hope - maybe zero pain. Pain means you’re alive, feeling nothing at all, forget sleep, that is the closest to being dead you can get. I want everything to mean something, everything to be important. People and places, moments in time. I hate the way things are always passing us by and we never notice, even when we do it changes nothing. You can’t enjoy the moment by thinking about how its going to end soon, you have to live in it completely. And i hate how we can only live in the present, a present that is always becoming the past. i think its not only a good thing we’re able to reflect, and remember. its a curse and a function, probably the only reason we’re still alive right now and what good that does us. the future is a guess, an estimation educated or not about how something or everything is going to go. but we can only ever feel the present flowing through our fingers like sand or water, or even air, never really touching our skin or leaving a trace, completely invisible and everywhere. id like to hold it all close to my chest, to close my eyes and will the moment to stay present to settle down in my lap for a few minutes and just, breathe. breathing keeps us alive and it keeps me together, sometimes the air inflating my lungs feels more real than me, than the blood beating through my heart. we are organs and water and fleshy bits and skin, i think we’re so beautiful. despite everything, the flaws are insurmountable - the problems can blot out the sky, your eyes are pretty and your smile too. i really like everyone and sometimes i wish i wasnt here, that i could love everything from a safe distance and remain, you cant though, you have to get in the dirt, feel it get under your fingernails and fill your nose with its smell. you have to bleed a little, feel a little, lay your hand on a tree and let its shade just. envelope you. i want to be part of everything.

[aloneatl4st]

Im not using tags cuz I hope this doesn't get found

Ive started college in 2023 and now im getting closer to my 1st year. Ive met many people and stopped talking to quite a few.

Ive recently made friends with a guy whose name shall be Hunter for this post and anonimity. Hunter is a straight guy who ive gotten to know quite a bit in the last 4 to 5 weeks.

Im ashamed to say it, because i should know better, but ive had a crush on him for i would say 3 months. Against my better judgement i decided to let myself get infatuated with a man that has no ability to like me back which isnt something surprising to me but still a mistake i couldve avoided somehow... I just dont know how.

Hunter is a very nice and caring guy i would say in general, he funny and he, unlike most straight men ive talked to in my life, isnt disgusted by my existence as a queer man. He touchy feely and for shits and giggles even asked me if i want a piggy back ride (im a 6 foot non-skinny man, he realistically had no reason to do that). I dont really laugh like I laugh with him and thats what makes me feel so painfully pathetic.

Recently it seemed he got a bit closer to another one of my friends whoch made me feel super defeated as she is a girl, but i managed to confirm from her that neither one of them like eachother.

Another huge problem is that he broke up with him abusive girlfriend about 2 or 3 weeks ago, which makes me feel disgusting and "opportunistic". I wish I wasnt like this but i havent received this level of attention from a man in a while, especially positive attention.

Realistically I know Hunter will never like me or be into me (hes got VERY clear straight boy behaviour, its hard to explain) but hes also pretty gentle with me and sometimes his touches linger and I feel like a fool for letting some second-grade infatuation ruin me like this.

Ive been unable to function for 2-3 days right now, just listening to lovesick music and fantasizing for something that was clearly not meant for me ever. Sometimes I still regret not being born a woman, so I could just love the guys Ive been into in the past without feeling added-on guilt of incompatibility due to sexuality.

I just wish he knew how special he is, and how sweet and nice, and hes also such a sight for sore eyes... Gods I am not your strongest soldier, stop giving me your toughest men to have crushes on my hearts love capacity is too large to use on men who cant love me back.

In a world in my mind where things go my way, he figures out he is bisexual and somehow I have a chance with him, I just hope itd happen fast cuz he has rendered me immoble and unable to complete simple tasks cuz all I do is think of him.

Hunter... youre very beautiful and sweet, and I know thia information is useless because neither one of us can do anything with it, but I hope whoever is your next girl will treat you right cuz if you treat women better than you treat me than I cant imagine ever being toxic to you like your exes were 💔

[sylwanin-was-right]

Why... why would smutty/kinky writing not belong in the "normal" fandom tags?

Because I think tagging sexually explicit writing (and other media, like erotic/pornographic art) in tags that are most frequented by all demographics in a fandom, including minors, is inconsiderate (and, among adults, its irresponsible).

No where in my post did I demand ppl do anything lol. I started my post with "i wish", which is not a request or mandate, but a personal vent expressed with gramatical modality lol. I wish that ppl would have more courtesy about how they tag their sexually explict content, especially of the teenage characters in the movie.... but, alas. Lol

If you took this post personally, then thats unfortunate. If you took this post as an entry into a debate then... thats also unfortunate lol.

But to be clear, since there was apparently confusion, you dont have to do anything just because I made this post. I just find it tactless and jarring to constantly find kink related posts in common, or "normal" fandom tags, like #[character name] and even "avatar 2".

Agree or disagree on your end. I dont mind at all as my opinion still stands as, well... an opinion... lol.

Sex is normal. Sex and wanting sex and writing about sex and having kinky fantasies? It's all normal. (As is not wanting or doing any of those things. It's all normal, because nothing is normal.)

Of course having sexual feelings and expressions are normal feelings one can have lol?... What is making you think I believe otherwise?

It really feels like youre reacting to a strawman you imagined by projecting many preconcieved notions about what I believe, which is strange because the conclusion that I have a problem with ppl having sexual desires and sexual expressions in and of themselves and want to start some sort of censorship campaign in the Tumblr Avatar fandom in the name of my feelings is completely false lol.

Not only am I mainly venting in a meme format, but I dont believe its unreasonable to post a grievance about a fandom phenomena I've noticed; that some people in this fandom, particularly those who are part of the kink community—which is supposedly about consent among participating adults—can sometimes lack self awareness and fail to regulate their content away from minors and those who dont consent to view and participate in it as much as possible (which, imo, is more responsible and enjoyable for the engagement of fandom, and kink participants and non participants alike).

Furthermore, I think its an agreeable and reasonable standard in online spaces that minors shouldnt be exposed to or interact with sexually explicit content, nor should anyone else who wasnt looking for it. Tumblr's tag system, particularly on mobile (which is my main medium), reveals any and all posts with keywords in search results and filters. Partly bc its broken, partly bc thats how search functions work. So one would expect a Tumblr user whos active in kink circles on the platform to be considerate of Tumblr's functioning and try to funnel their works to their targeted demographics as much as possible, whom are other adults and consenting participants of events like "kinktober", not everyone in the Avatar fandom (one particular way I've seen is using special tags or avoiding frequented tags).

Lastly, its just very uncomfortable and honestly concerning seeing so many kink posts abt teenage characters from AWOW from bloggers who are not always clear abt their own age and from writers who dont even age up the characters (tho, personally, i dont think that makes much difference). For instance, scrolling thru the "#na'vi" tags and seeing a post with a screenshot from AWOW of Neteyam captioned with something like "i wanna rub my [redacted] on his back" is rlly disturbing, quite frankly, and so is seeing st_p.s_bling or vo_yerism content about teenage Lo'ak

If someone is writing in a fandom, they are absolutely able and welcome to put them in the main fandom tags, no matter what they're writing. If you don't want to see it? Block the relevant tags, block the writers, do whatever you need to do.

I dont have an issue with anyone simply writing in the fandom lol. I wasnt refering to censorship or demands abt who writes what and when. I'm venting abt courtesy and responsibility that I wish more Avatar fans on Tumblr had specifically abt posting sexually explicit content in fandom tags frequented by all fans.

Blocking the tags would mean blocking "normal" or common tags for the fandom, including main character names and their normal tags (ex "#Neteyam", etc), which would make interacting in the Avatar fandom on Tumblr very restricting. I've found plently of smut, and now "kinktober" content, among tags like "Avatar 2" while scrolling that, I do, indeed, scroll past (I also blacklist smut and kink tags).

But theres only so much manual curating one can do to filter out sexual content before it becomes an issue of some fandom participants lacking courtesy to other fans and not regulating their content as a group. This is what I'm complaining about on my blog, not the fact that ppl in the fandom write certain content I dont fancy or have sexual desires and can express them through media bc they are human beings with human feelings lol.

But god, "don't post this in the main fandom tags because I, personally, don't like it" is such a ridiculous approach. Especially combined with the "normal = no sex" and "weirdos = people engaging in smut and kink" puritanical approach.

"Approach"? What are you talking about?

Youre talking this post as a political stance in some sort of discourse and not a vent post thats indeed about something I dont like in the fandom that I shared on my fandom blog. You, could have followed your own principles and scrolled past this post if you didnt like it (or made a vent post or meme abt it like I did w the kinktober-shit lol).

I know I tagged this post as "Avatar 2" and "Avatar Way of Water," but thats cuz I tag all my posts with relevant tags (I'm currently behind on tagging many posts on my blog, actually, particularly reblogs. I digress). Also cuz I'm p sure some other ppl share the same sentiment.

I cannot imagine having the audacity to demand people don't post in their fandom's tags because of my personal preferences, good grief.

Okay? Good for you. 😬

Did writing this reply make you feel accomplished? Did you say the right things here? Do you feel relieved now that youve said this?

Tìpängkxotsyìpìri nìtxan hek. Hrh

I wish all avatar fans who are participating in kinktober a very stop posting in the normal fandom tags you weirdos . Jpeg bugs bunny

[meowvey]

i think my friends actually just tolerate me and don’t actually like me lol

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.

[corsicanbistro]

edna chase

this is from my tumblr that i had for like the seven minutes it took me to type this out and decide i wanted a livejournal instead. then i realized that livejournal functions exactly as it did 20 years ago and it's running on a russian server so like fuck all that right? that's why its long and stupid. hopefully the rest of my posts will be short and frequent.

edna is a young adult (thats like 18-25 range) sim from sunset valley whose lifetime wish is to be a one sim band. this wish entails maxing guitar, bass, piano, and drum skills. she is shy but irresistible and born to be a star, a workaholic, and a virtuoso to boot. she started small with a simple attic act with her neighbors xander clavell, bebe hart and vj alvi. they named their band "its over" (cuz i told myself i would name the band whatever two words played on alexa next and that dumb bitch played 'sit next to me' by foster the people because i listen to way too much glass animals) and appropriately so because the drama unfolded and imploded on itself almost immediately.

xander and edna had a strong attraction from the beginning and try as they might due to his engagement to jamie jolina with a baby on the way, they were unable to stop themselves from having a very public affair.

bebe hart, feeling stifled at home and having an extremely close friendship with edna decided to move in with her so they could keep practicing their music skills and hopefully achieve all their big dreams. at a house party there was drinking and edna and xander couldnt keep their hands off each other. vj took this behavior as fair game and made a move on edna that was not received well and she kicked him out of the band on the spot. jamie angrily broke up with xander soon after and edna, bebe, and himself skipped town and moved to a small apartment in bridgeport.

upon their arrival they started to realize the big city wasnt all it was cracked up to be. xander and edna stopped getting along and while she enchanted every man she met, he chased every woman he saw like a dog. bebe and edna went out every night until 5, sometimes 7 am and time was a blur. one night while drunk and disoriented xander really lost it and went off on the girls, causing them to change the locks and never speak to him again. at that point they had really had enough and he wasn't contributing to the household anyway. meanwhile, bebe was getting closer with a wealthy and handsome vampire named william fangmann. she met him while playing her bass for tips one night outside the movie theater. he was so entranced he stood there watching her play all night. when she finally stopped to go home and get some sleep he introduced himself and it was like they were meant to be. a few nights after they met he showed up at a bar she was supposed to play at, but the bouncer wasn't letting her through. he asked her to spend a night on the town with him and she gleefully accepted. their relationship bars were maxed out by about 3am while they made out in his luxury penthouse. they eloped on the spot and bebe called edna and invited her over to share the great news!

edna showed up and was thrilled for bebe. best friends for so long at this point, edna knew that even a mysterious and powerful vampire was no match for bebe's powerful spirit. edna has a lifetime reward that makes her observant at this point, and just by meeting william she is aware of and assured by all his traits that make him the sim he is. after a few more hugs, edna decided to go back home and get some rest. waiting for the elevator she was approached by the sexiest man she had ever seen. i was really annoyed cuz it was instant attraction and he had really shit traits but whatever i gave him a cas makeover.

she immediately wished (sims have wishes to help make gameplay more interesting and if you fulfill wishes the sims get points to get bonus traits and its like seeing inside your sim's mind p cool) to woohoo in an elevator and it was really funny because she literally just met this guy but he lived in a penthouse with a popular vampire had the hot headed, couch potato, bookwoorm, frugal and coward traits... and 11 declared enemies so i mean red flags are just flags through rose colored glasses.

at that point a tumultuous and passionate love story began. risky woohoo all the time. like i could have let it run and they would have been just as bad it was really silly. nothing like the weird stuff with xander or this guy she was causally dating in bridgeport that i totally forgot about until right now. he was a bartender! and edna wanted him to join the band but i could never get the action to come up. no, edna and apollo were inseparable - and insatiable.

one day bebe showed up to check on how edna was doing, it had been a while since they hung out even though they talked on the phone at least a couple hours a day. turns out she is pregnant! edna congratulates her and can't wait to be an auntie. bebe let her know that she and william were talking about moving to starlight shores to raise their future family. edna decided immediately to follow her best friend and wondered if apollo would be willing to leave his life in bridgeport behind and join them. even though they were roommates, william and apollo were declared nemesis's and edna feared her lover would want to stay in the big city and let her friends go on with their lives without them.

later that night, edna was feeling ill. she went to the bathroom multiple times to throw up and she couldn't figure out what was wrong. risky woohoo only has a 10% chance of surprise conception so it couldn't have been that, could it? she invited bebe over to talk about it and she finally mustered up the courage to take a test. it was positive. she wasn't really ready for this step of her life yet. she didn't even know what to tell apollo, because as much fun as they were having, she couldn't tell if this new relationship would be something real in the long term. bebe and william were different and after some more coaxing from bebe edna knew that she had no choice but to tell apollo her condition, and find out what his ultimate intentions were. regardless she wanted to get an abortion, because it was her right to make that choice and she knew that now was not the best time for her, with all the dreams she had and the unsureness of her future.

apollo showed up at her apartment the next morning, and gave edna a twirl and a dip kiss. she told him that she needed to speak with him and before they even got into the lobby she told him she was pregnant, she didn't want to keep it, and she wanted to move to starlight shores. apollo was very supportive of her decision, and assured her that he loved her and wanted to be with her forever, no matter what challenge or impasse comes their way. he made sure she at least wanted them to have their own place in starlight shores, half joking because he knew how close she and bebe were, it wouldn't surprise him to find that they were going to end up in the fangmann guesthouse or mil quarters. he said he would even do his best to patch things up with william, and revealed that his lifetime wish was actually to be super popular (have at least 20 friends, haha ea really knows how to make gameplay challenging if you know where to look). edna thought this was really funny but she knew first hand there was a gentle sweet side to him that the world deserved to see, and she was happy that he wanted to share that with others.

[thingstotellthem]

do you ever wish you could just restart life in a new family? you’ve given me far too much trauma, and fucked me up mentally to the point where i cannot function in regular society because i’m constantly in a state of dissociation, derealisation, delusion and fear. i hate it. you were supposed to be a father. sometimes i think back to myself and go, “why am i overreacting? what i went through wasnt even that bad” and it just leaves me to be more confused and irritated.

[wisteria-lodge]

a thank you from an unburning lion secondary, with faulty bird model

I’m the lion primary who was doubting itself and who talked their way in your anon box to understanding themselves. You were pretty comprehensive and it was nice to really notice we share primaries xD One thing shocked me and left me O_O was at the end, when I left that commentary about bullies (my school knew me both for my excellent notes and my fights both bcs i couldnt left a situation alone) and you said, wow and a lion secondary.

i was shocked. Like I say this and I remember my earlier years and the problems I’ve always have talking with people and it’s my bluntness and lack of attention to others feelings which had always have my mother scolding me after going out with her or talking with friends or telling her about any interaction. Same with my father. And then I stopped. I started reading, I fell for fanfiction and manga, and lost my childhood friends bcs I coudn’t relate to them, and during all of HS until my second year of university I was so so alone. 

And I didn’t speak out about my feels. I still don’t. Not to my family not to anybody. I felt so guilty, because once upon a time I did whatever I felt and then I learnt that being so intelligent, and open about my feelings and my life was unsensible to people, and then I learnt (justly so I think) that I shoudn’t act without thinking about others. 

But I feel somewhere in the way, I started feeling guilty of being myself. I learnt I’m too much for people. Now I over-analyze every interaction I have; have i overshared anything? Did i let the other talk and express themselves? I do it before taking charge in a group assignment or outing bcs I internalised that they don’t want it, that I’m being annoying reminding them of the tasks or the things we should be doing. 

You need to sweet-talk people, and I’m bad at it and although sometimes it can be funny most often is just plain tiring. And I’m the first surprised when someone is direct about anything. I like so much, so much learning about things, I feel deep inside the correct way of approaching problems should be to consider them from every angle, analyze the facts and the feelings they provoke and then come up with a good solution; I write and I want to investigate everything before starting any story but I’m completely unable to do so. Same with my studies, same with people. 

And then I wing it and it results so much better and it’s frustrating. People say: you’re so good at this, you must study/dedicate so much time to it. And I just do enough to get an intuitive understanding of the concept and then improvise, and I feel like a fake. 

When I have time and I’m methodical, it’s satisfying (better for memorising and studying languages too) but the truth is that I function better when I hit the ground running. I think this society doesn’t like lion secondaries very much unless you’re a shit man. Then is suddenly comprehensible if not appreciated. So I picked a faulty model bird because it’s useful, right? And i like it from time to time.

But I feel like the idea people have of me, about how I act is all bird and it’s stiffling but I let myself go and don’t act in my feels or my thougths because there no reason at all to be myself and I watch myself writing this and wow. Suddenly my mother is telling me why am i not as outgoing as when i was young or my new friends are surprised because my personality changes. Like an onion: outwardly I don’t care about anything, then you discover I’m very intense about lots of things but very nonchalantly (I left clues and you have to pick them, bcs I’m not verbalising you know?), then you never know what I feel about those things except for whatever observation you’ve made. You just know the loudness. My mother tells me I never talk to her about myself, but still she knows how to pick what I feel about people and situations bcs I’m that obvious I guess.

But she was who taught me to think twice bcs nobody wants to feel stupid or wronged (neither do I, I understand). My father never liked who I was; why wasnt I more social, more normal, why did I have to be so strange so openly. (It’s mostly I’m half-sure I fall somewhere in the lower gifted range + maybe some neurodivergence, but in my country they don’t adapt nor care for above average students and a test sounds ridiculous and attention seeking and too expensive when I do fine right now.) 

Can’t deny the lion, but I never talk. Except on internet anonymously. Bcs contradictions are funny and you’re really kind. Again, about the start of this megapost. It was so surprising when you saw directly through that ask to the secondary, that I teared up. Yes, yes, that’s who I am why hasn’t anybody told me it’s ok to be sincere and direct? Why?

I was toying with bird and snake but those are covers. Trying to perform snake when I’m uncomfortable or I haven’t got familiarity with the people and bcs it’s improvising it’s easier, and model bird when I can with all knowledge I don’t even notice I have aquired reading what amounts to tons of wish-fulfilling fantasies. Like. It’s posible to burn a secondary? Bcs I think that’s what’s happened to me. And I’m trying little by little to recover that trust in my actions because I know I’m better that way, that I feel good being direct about things but I’m so afraid of others… Perseverance though!!! 

This sorting system has helped me see that, more than astrology. Mostly, these last years i had a wrong feeling about myself. I think this helped articulate why. This so maudlin omg xD But you received well my semi-creepy murderous self-isolating primary post so. Sorry again, and thank you.

PS: love to anybody who has ever felt like me. Also, mom is def a badger primary, now that i think about it. She really, really likes working with people, meeting with friends, helping them etc. ended up teaching yoga. She is super direct too, so maybe we share the secondary... which is rich, but also why I think she is also strict that sense. Thinking she doesn't want to see me suffering like her + why i frustrate her when i retreat into myself too. good old projection. THE END XD

My dear Lion ~ 

You sound like me. And yes, you will be “too much” for some people. But I promise you. There will be others who love you for exactly that intensity. Putting masses of planning and up-front effort into something doesn’t make the end result any better. I’m a badger secondary, that was a tough realization to have. And it’s okay to be afraid. But you seem on top of this. You’re going to be okay. 

(also, your English is fantastic. Really, really nice use of the word “maudlin.”) 

Good hunting ~ WL

[backtobackbakubabe]

I’m Gonna Make This Place Your Home (Part 3)

Bakugo x Reader

Words: 2896

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One night, a year or so ago Bakugo had gotten a little tipsy and decided it would be a great idea to take all of the batteries out of the smoke alarms. That way he wouldn't have to deal with them every time he thew a fit and his hands sparked up. So he was really surprised when he woke up one morning to one of them blaring. Kirishima must have replaced them.... damnit shitty hair. He groaned as he rolled out of bed, “What the fuck is going on?” 

He was absolutely exhausted. You had another nightmare last night and just like the last time you accidentally pulled him into it. He handn’t been able to sleep after that and he couldn't go to your room because then you would know he had seen it. He knew it wasn't his fault but it still felt like an invasion of your privacy. 

He strolled out of his bedroom in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and made his was to the source of his growing headache. He walked into the kitchen and there you were. You looked extremely confused and alarmed as smoke billowed from the toaster. You pulled the plug from the wall and huffed at the ruined toast. “Shit...”

He couldn’t help it. He started laughing harder than he had in years. 

You spun around, giving him a good look at the pancake mix in your hair, “OH! Bakugo I’m so sorry! I was trying to make you breakfast... but its definitely not as easy as you make it look...” You plopped down in one of the chairs and it wasnt until now that he realized you weren't wearing any pants. Just his oversized hoodie. He couldnt judge though he wasnt exactly wearing a shirt. A fact you were acutely aware of as you desperately tried to avoid staring at his perfect abs. 

You huffed again, “I ruined everything....”

He smirked, “Nah, theres nothing here that cant be fixed... well maybe not the toast. Thats a lost cause.” He held his hand out to you, “Ready for your first cooking lesson?”

He proceeded to flit around the kitchen like a true professional but he never took over. Instead he would just tell you what you needed to do. He wanted to make sure you were actually learning. He knew he couldnt take care of you forever. There were things you missed out on growing up and he was going to make sure you became a functioning adult. 

You guys sat at the table with the banquet of food around you. You beamed as you took your first bite, “This is actually good!”

He scoffed, “Excuse me? I helped you, of course it’s good...” 

You giggled, “Thanks for that by the way. I know it must be frustrating to teach a grown ass woman how to do basic things...”

“Okay first of all dont ever think that. Its not your fault you didnt get to learn this stuff. And second.... that is the second time you’ve used a curse word today. What gives? Am I rubbing off on you? You’ve only been here a week.” He wagged his eyebrows. 

You gave his shoulder a quick swat, “Maybe I swear like a sailor but I've been playing nice. You dont know me.”

He narrowed his eyes a bit, “You’re right. I dont. But I’d like to...” He bit into a piece of bacon and groaned, “I do know one thing though, you make some good ass bacon.”

He spent the rest of the day teaching you every day tasks from doing laundry to how to use the internet. You paid close attention and would periodically stop him to write something down so you wouldn’t forget.  He was currently showing you how to log in to Netflix when an idea hit him, “Oi! Do you know how to ride a bike?”  

You gave him a weird look, “I used to have one with training wheels when I was little but my mom never taught me how to ride one without them. I had wanted my dad to teach me but he died when I was little.” 

He sucked in a breath. He still hadn't told you about your mom. Did you know what she did to you? Did you know your mom sold you to the highest bidder? And your dad? He had no idea he had died.... was there anything about your childhood that was happy?  “I’m sorry to heat about your dad.” 

You just shrugged, “I was really little. My mom always said I was his little mini me. Said I looked just like him and had the heart to match. He was a really nice guy....” You expression grew sad, “Sometimes when I was younger after I had been taken by the villains... if I was having a really bad day I would pretend he was still alive. Because he never would have let them take me.” A single tear slid down your cheek but you caught it, “Look at me getting all emotional. No need to cry over something I cant change right?”

He took your hand in his and gave it the softest squeeze, “I’d say you’re entitled to a few tears. Given what you’ve been through, I don't know how you get out of bed some mornings.” Especially after the nightmares he’d witnessed first hand.

You sniffed back your tears as you returned a quick squeeze to his hand, “Easy. I have you.” 

He didnt know what to say. To the rest of the world he was Ground Zero, the temperamental, cocky hero. But you see so much more. You bring out the best in him and whether he likes it or not he's changing because of it. “Oi. Put some fucking pants on. You're going to learn how to ride a bike!” 

“....Do you even have a bike?”

No, he didnt. But Kirishima did. “You just worry about yourself, and let me figure out the bike situation. Alright?”

You scurried off to your room to change and get ready for the day. You pulled on a pair of leggings and a clean shirt. It may have been Bakugos but at this point you didnt think he’d mind. You threw your hair up in a ponytail and gave yourself a quick look in the mirror. You really needed a haircut. Even in a ponytail it was well down your back. There was a pair of scissors in the kitchen, maybe you could just cut it yourself. 

Thats how you ended up in the bathroom hair in one hand, scissors in the other. Right as you were about to make your first cut, someone cleared their throat behind you. “Oi! Crazy pants! Put the scissors down before you fuck your hair up. All I said was put on some pants not go full on Mulan...” He sighed, “There’s someone here I want you to meet. He can be pretty annoying but I promise he’s not that ba-”

“Hey who are you calling annoying you grump old man.” Kirishima looked at the scissors in you hand, “Oh cool. Giving yourself a haircut? I did that once when I was seven. Wasn't a good look. But I’m sure yours will look much better.” 

Bakugo was rubbing his temples in frustration, “Y/n this this is shitty hair, shitty hair this is y/n.” 

You gave him a soft giggle, “The fact that he calls you shitty hair makes me think I shouldn't listen to you.” You put the scissors down, “I do want to cut it though. It’s a pain in the ass.”

Bakugo scoffed, “You’re the pain in the ass, dont try and blame it on your hair. Although you do shed worse than any dog I’ve ever known. Your hair is all over the apartment.... Come here.” He turned you towards the mirror, “Alright look straight ahead and dont fucking move... how short do you want it?” 

You motioned to the tops of your shoulders, “Like around here maybe. I dont know what do you think shitty hair?” 

Kirishima chuckled, “You can call me Kirishima.” He shrugged, “I dont know anything about  hair.”

Bakugo huffed, “Yeah clearly, hence the name shitty hair.” He looked at you through the mirror, “I would go just a little longer.... like maybe here.” He motioned to a bit below you shoulder. His hand was rather close to your breasts and it made both of you blush. “I’ll see if I can get you an appointment somewhere soon. Until then what if I just braid it to get it out of the way?”

Your blush deepened, “Yeah that would be nice.” 

His fingers felt so good carding though your hair. You closed your eyes and had to fight back the urge to hum. You needed to pull it together. Bakugo was nice enough to let you into his life and has gone above and beyond to make sure you’re well taken care of and comfortable. You didn't need to fuck that up by having feelings for him. 

Your eyes jolted open when he cleared his throat behind you, “Uh...I’m done now.” Your eyed met his through the mirror and noticed his cheeks were almost as red as yours, “Ready to learn how to ride a bike?”

Kirishima caught Bakugo as you guys were leaving the apartment letting you go on ahead, “Dude? When the fuck did you learn how to braid hair? Who are you and what have you done with Bakugo?” 

Bakugo pulled his arm away from him, “Shut the fuck up and I swear if you tell anyone about it I’ll end you!” Bakugo hadn't been completely honest with his best friend about who you were or why you were living with him. He knew you were the girl from his dreams but he didnt know you had been a prisoner or that there was a small possibility you were being hunted. 

Kirishima raised his hands up in defense, “I’m just saying man you seem awfully invested in this girl. I mean she’s wearing your shirt! She’s obviously pretty and from what I can tell she seems nice and all but come on man you haven't been to work in over a week... The director says you either come in tomorrow or you’re fired....”

Bakugo growled, “As if he would actually have the balls to fire Ground Zero.” He took a few steps before stopping and running a hand through his hair, “Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow... I just need to tell y/n.”

Kirishima put his hand on his shoulder, “She’s a big girl Bakugo. I’m sure she’ll be fine without you for a few hours. Whats the worst that could happen?” 

Bakugo groaned, “I really wish you hand asked that. It’s like you’re trying to jinx us.”

When they got outside you were already sitting on the bike, rolling it back and forth looking like an excited child, “What took you guys so long?! Come on!” 

Kirishima rubbed the back of his neck, “So Y/n... how in the world did you make it this far in life without knowing how to ride a bike?” 

Before Bakugo could intercept the question you were shrugging it off, “Guess you could say I grew up sheltered. Now are we doing this or not?” 

A few minutes later Bakugo was behind you holding your waist and walking slowly as you got used to peddling the bike. 

He leaned in and whispered in your ear, “Let me know when you're ready for me to let go.” The combination of his strong hands on your waist and his warm breath on your neck... it was giving you goosebumps. 

You felt a chill run down your spine, “Bakugo dont you dare fucking let go. I thought this was going to be a lot easier!” 

He chuckled, “Don’t be stupid you’re doing fine! I won't let go until you’re ready.” 

You took a deep breath, “Okay I can do this.... It’s not a big deal. Children do this.... Bakugo I think I’m ready...”

“Well good because I already let go.” 

Your head swiveled back and forth incredulous that you had not noticed that he had let go. It was a terrible idea because as soon as you weren't one hundred percent focused on peddling you started to tilt. 

“Shit! Y/n!” Bakugo threw himself between you and the pavement just in time to catch you. “Watch it will yeah?” You landed on top of him your nose dangerously close to his.You could hear your heart pounding. You were close enough to smell his signature caramel sent and it made your mouth water. He brushed a hair out of your face. “Are you okay? You’re looking at me funny....” 

You blinked rapidly trying to wake yourself up from whatever daydream you were starting to have. “Yeah I’m fine... thanks.” 

He shrugged, “It was my fault for letting go. I won't do that again.” 

Your heart picked up the pace at his words. He obviously meant he wouldn't let go while you were riding the bike, but you desperately wished he meant something else. But he was Ground Zero. He was an attractive, successful Pro hero. You were probably nothing more than a wounded animal to him. He deserved someone with less baggage. 

You pushed yourself off of him, no longer in the mood to ride a bike. “I know this is silly... but I kind of want to go get coffee.” His caramel sent was still invading your senses and it made you crave your favorite beverage. You had tried different drinks through trail and error before you found what you liked and you named it the cinnamon roll latte. It was a vanilla latte with two pumps of caramel and cinnamon instead of sugar. It smelled just like someone you knew and it was absolutely delicious. 

Kirishima walked over and helped you two get up and picked up the bike, “Coffee sounds good. I have an overnight shift coming up tonight and I’m already dreading it.”

Bakugo dusted off his pants and nodded, “Yeah coffee sounds nice. Same place as usual?” 

You smiled, “Of course!” 

You guys had been back to the same coffee house over and over again and the bitchy barista always had something to say but you kept insisting to Bakugo it wasnt worth getting her in trouble.  

You practically skipped through the door into the coffee house and right up to the empty counter. The barista gave you a bored look, “Let me guess, the usual?”

You nodded, “Yup! Him as well. He wants to try it!” You pointed at Bakugo behind you who was already taking out his wallet to pay. You needed to try and find a job soon. You couldn't mooch off of him forever. You saw a sign next to the register that said they were hiring. You knew if you brought it up Bakugo would insist it wasn't necessary, so you would just come back tomorrow when he went to work. You refused to be a burden on anyone. 

The barista who's name you had found out was Tasha rolled her eyes, “I see you finally found some clothes of your own. 

Bakugo put his arm around your shoulders, “Actually the shirts mine but it looks way better on her doesn't it?” He winked at you before retiring his attention to Tasha who’s mouth was hanging open. Bakugo narrowed his eyes at her, “I said doesn't it?” 

She handed back his credit card with a quick nod, “Yes. I’m sorry it looks great on you.” 

When you had found a booth to sit at you turned to him and slapped his shoulder, “Bakugo you have got to stop bullying the barista!” 

His eyes about popped out of their sockets, “Are you kidding me?! She's the one who always has to say some shit about you every other time we come here!” 

You sighed, “So? Let her be the source of her own misery. You dont need to stoop to her level. You’re better than that.” 

He huffed and fiddled with the napkin dispenser on the table, “Yeah whatever you say....” 

Kirishima looked back and forth between the two of you, “What..... the actual fuck? She just scolded you and you’re.... you’re okay with it?” 

Bakugo shrugged, “She’s right... there’s no point in bickering with people who aren't worth it.” 

You smiled as you leaned up and kissed his cheek. It was a bold move, but it was something you had wanted to do for a while now. 

He gave you an incredulous look and narrowed his eyes, “What the fuck was that for.” 

Tasha cleared her throat behind him, “Here’s the coffees you guys ordered. Have a great day.” 

Bakugo waited for her to be out of earshot before he belted out a laugh, “Oi! Here you are acting all high and mighty talking about being the bigger person and then you go and try to make the barista jealous? You're sneaky.” 

He took a sip of his coffee while you just giggled. He didnt need to know that you had no idea Tasha had been standing there. He didnt need to know that you had kissed his cheek because you wanted to. You looked up and mer Kirishima’s eyes. He smirked at you, “Well aren't you two just adorable?” 

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Taglist : @carolinawindsay​ @fukyouthink​ @targaryens-blog​

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.