#sometimes I wish I had a normal life. but i wouldnt be me that way. now would i?

[plushw]

i have never been more myself in my life than i have been the past few months and its so crazy to me how different it feels going about day to day and how people treat me hahaha

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaaaah. It's frustrating living like this tbh.

Like. Its been years and I'm still struggling as much if not more than I did as a child.

I wonder, does anything ever truly change?

[divinesolas]

The Rockstar and Me

requested: would it be okay, if I requested a rockstar!jace x reader? were theve been best friends since childhood and the reader has a crush on jace. jace is a really popular upcoming rockstar and is super busy. he dosnt see reader the same way (just as there bestfriend) and kind neglects the reader bc he's really busy. so one night the reader has enough and they decide they need to take a break from there friendship, so they don't talk for a while. and then jace kinda realises he missed up and took the readers love for granted. In this time he he realizes he like her too.

w.c: 1.6k

c.w: just some minor angst and some fluff :3, not proofread

masterlist - requests open

--

You are going to scream.

Not of horror and certainly not of pleasure but you were just so annoyed.

Your roommate would not stop playing their fucking songs, most people would call you crazy but you swear you were about to look for a new apartment and put in big red letters, DO NOT REPLY IF YOU LIKE THE WEST DRAGONS. You have nothing against their music but it all just leads back to him.

Childhood best friend and crush turned ex-best friend rockstar Jacaerys Velaryon. He was your best friend for so long and you had liked him, a part of you still does. A part of you still misses him but you did what you had to do.

You could not just sit around and let him ignore you like that, time and time again he would blow you off to the point you grew sick of it and blocked his number and never looked back. You didn’t just ghost him. instead opting to send him a long messages about how you needed space and he was no longer the guy you knew anymore and told him you were gonna reach out anymore.

That was three months ago and your sure he hasn’t even fucking read it let alone try to reply to it. Three months since your life flipped upside down, moving to a new place, still in the same city but further away from him, new job and some new friends, it was odd at first and still is, being away from him but you won’t just let yourself be walked all over like that.

You had planned to stay in tonight like you normally would but your roommate had other plans, standing in the middle of the room bickering with you while you try to block out the sound of their music in the background.

“I don’t wanna go out sab.” “Come on live a little, come out to the bar with me.” “Maybe another night.” “Nope you are coming tonight. right now. get dressed.”

With that she sprints out of the room and you groan knowing she won’t take no for an answer and get up to get ready. Its just one night out, it won’t be so bad, plus it a good excuse so you don't have to hear his music anymore.

Yet when you walk into the bar its packed with people lining up in front of the stage, you turn to sab and tilt your head. “What is going on?”

She looks at you with a big grin on her face, “I didn’t tell you, oh my god the west dragons are performing here in a few.” Your stomach drops.

No you had to leave, maybe you could fake an illness? No she would catch on and force you to stay. You could make yourself throw up? that would cause too much of a scene. You were definitely going to be sick when you see the lights dim and they walk up on the stage.

He’s the drummer he should not even see you right? you’ll just sit at the bar and count down the seconds until the show is over and you can book it out of the room. Aegon greets the crowd as the groups lead singer and your stomach continues to churn. You met him a handful of times and he was always nice to you, he had a nice voice you could agree but you felt so sick anytime you heard their songs.

The show went on without a hitch and you wish the ringing in your ears would get louder so you wouldnt have to hear it. You find yourself reminiscing about your time with jace with every song that plays. You miss him. Much more than you’d like to admit.

You dont allow your eyes to drift behind aegon, yet you hear him, the sound of the drums, it haunts you, sometimes you can see his hands peak out, when aegon moves you can see his dark curls but never look too close to see his face.

They are taking a mini break with aegon entertaining the crowd, the show is almost over, you could not wait to go take a shower and try to act like this night never happened. Aegons eyes drift around the crowd while he’s talking and they land on you, you watch as his eyes widen and he stumbles over his speech for a moment as he turns back for a second to look at jace.

That was not good. Not good at all. “What was that? do you think he thinks your cute?” “definitely not.” Your words come out more strained than you would like and she looks at you confused, “Is something wrong?”

You open and close your mouth unable to know what to say. Your chest feels like its closing in on its self as she grabs your shoulders worriedly. “I need some air.” You quickly stand and rush out of the bar, sab quickly following after you. The two of you don’t notice the pairs of eyes that trail after you.

You lean against the wall on the outside and try to catch your breath. You did not think this would affect you so much, maybe because your whole life has been around him that now it just feels odd that he’s not around. This whole thing reminded you too much of going to his gigs and him coming up to you after the show to ask you what you thought.

“Who cares if i liked it jace? the people loved it.” “I care, you matter more to me than them.”

“Okay what the hell was that?” You run your hands along your face and stare at sab as she looks at your worried. “Its nothing.”

“oh fuck off its not nothing, nobody just runs out the room looking like they just saw their ex boyfriend over nothing.” She gasps at her own words and covers her mouth, “Oh my god wait did you actually date aegon? fuck if i knew i wouldnt have brought you here im sorry-” “I didn’t date ageon sab and i didnt date any of them.” “Then what happened?”

The two of you freeze as someone clears their throat and sab gasps as she turns around. “Im sorry to interrupt but, do you mind if we talk?” Jace. He was staring right at you. Sab looks between the two of you and gives you a look that says she wants to hear all about this before she runs off.

You stand in silence,, not wanting to be the first to speak. He puts his hands in his pockets and kicks on of the rocks on the ground. “How,,, um how are you?” “Im good.” He nods and continues to simply look anywhere but your face. “Thats good thats good um..” Its awkward. So awkward. It was never this way before but you guess thats just what time apart does to people. And you hate it.

“How are you?” He looks up at you shocked before he stumbles over his words, clearly very nervous. “Im good, im good, um, no no im not good actually. I miss you, so much.” Your breath hitches as you watch him continue to speak, “I regret how i treated you, so much. Im so sorry i miss you more than anything please, i just want us to be friends again, ill do anything to make it up to you.”

You don’t know what to say what to do. This is what you’ve been dreaming of for so long but your heart aches at the thought of returning to being just friends.

“I can’t be friends with you jace.” He stumbles back as if you had shoved him and he looks around attempting to compose himself. You swear you can see tears glazing in his eyes, “I um,” His voice cracks as he speaks and he coughs into his arm, “I understand yes of course, im sorry for bother-”

“I cant be friends with you jace because i cant bare being just friends. All ive ever wanted for so long was to be more with you, and if i go back to being just friends ill spend the rest of my life miserable because ill just be dreaming to be more with you.”

You do not even know when you had begun crying but you feel the tears begin to run down your face as you close your eyes and tilt your head down towards the ground. You feel his hands grip your face and pull you up to look at him, seeing his own tears running down his face.

“Im sorry, im so sorry. I love you. Im sorry it took me so long to realize this and that i had to be apart from you to know but ive realized i need you, i love you so much youre my best friend, the only person i need, i love you.”

You shake your head in disbelief, “You dont mean it.” “I do i do mean it, i love you so much.”

He presses his forehead against yours and you sob harder. “I love you jace.”

“I love you so much, i will work everyday to earn your forgiveness to even be worthy or your love.”

He shakily presses his lips against yours in a peck and you two smile at one another.

“No more ignoring me?”

“Never, never again.”

--

perm jace taglist <3

@tyronesien @itsbookworm987 @cruelworldlana @smurfelle @ireneispunk @hxtd @venmondiese @urmomsgirlfriend1 @jacesvelaryons @ravenn-darkholme

[whole-circus]

Can you do when the Proxies, Eyeless Jack, and Slenderman, find out the reader has a extra appendage like a tail? Although the reader doesn't hide it they just use it like a belt but rarely use it?? (How has your day been? Also please make sure to not stress yourself)

Creepypastas with reader that has a tail!

➥ with "Ticci" Toby, Masky, Hoodie, Eyeless Jack, Slenderman

Hi love!!! Thank you and remember to take care about yourself too!!&lt;3 Im going a bit insane in my room lol But I hope you felt at least okay!

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊��. 　　　✦　　˚

"Ticci" Toby

Toby finds you so cool! He wouldnt really notice at first that its actual tail, but how long he can stay clueless? When he finally gets it, he is so excited i swear. You almost make him wish that he had tail instead, but he cant complain since his partner have it! Toby will beg you to touch it and play with it, he is way happier about the tail than you (and you literally live with this things.. with tail, not toby). Loves to lay down with you and cuddle, your tail wrapped around his hand/ leg/just anything. Loves playing with it when he needs to keep his hands busy. Toby would be also respectful if you dont like having your tail touched becasue i can only imagine how sensitive it is, just say the word and he will act like it doesnt even exist congrats, now he will play with your hand!

Masky

Honestly wouldnt make a big deal out of it? Masky is a simple man, and i feel like he wouldnt even noticed at first if you wear it as belt, would just think that you have weird fashion sense but who he is to judge?? But then it turns out that its actual tail? You are person of many suprises, arent you? Listen, he would definitely calls you some of this cheesy petnames like kitten or puppy just becasue of your tail 💀..like please, punch him or something. Overall good boyfriend, will fight for you and stroke your tail??

Hoodie

Good luck with him! Hoodie wants to touch it a lot! Its not like there are a lot of chances in life to pet someone tail, huh? Who can blame him in such cruel condictions..? Even if you use it as a belt, he loves when you just..let it swing by itself! That way he has easier acces to it, and i mean it - boy is in heaven. He would definitely tease you so so much! Hoodie will anno and you can expect at least couple of funny comments about your tail daily (or at least he thinks they are funny). I see him wearing a fake tail just to mess with you to be honest. Hoodie isnt the worst person, you will definitely get a lot of attention from him! Is it good or bad? I will let you decide!

Eyeless Jack

Okay, Jack really enjoyes having "not-so-normal" partner (well, in term of being a human). He tends to be a bit insecure sometimes about what he is, so you make it all a bit easier to him to be honest. Doesnt feel as weird - and of course he doesnt want you to feel this way! He is pretty observant (and well, have amazing senses), so propably noticed it when you used it as a belt, no need to tell him twice! Absolutely loves to make you flustreted!! Will tease the shit out of you, i mean it. Definitely will like to caress it and play with it (pls he is a bit like a cat), later will chuckle in his husky tone when you are embarassed and tell him to stop

Slenderman

Slenderman wont say too much..well not like he is the most talkactive person! He is fascinated by people, loves observing them and to learn about their nature..does it really matter for what reasons? We will just move on with that.. Anyways, if you ask me, Slender as not-human-creature likes seeing how everyone is diffrent event tho he had seen already a lot! There is really tiny wall between his hate and fascination for humans. But dont worry, its you who we talk about! He will ask some questions, but in his subtle and gentlemanly way! It doesnt matter to him if you are a bit diffrent, becasue he sees it more as your advantage than disadvantage! Slenderman would be more into intelect than look anyway i think. Wont touch your tail tho..well maybe not without your consent, but he just doesnt really care, he has seen almost everything in his 'life'.

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚. 　　　✦　　˚　

[helplessautomaton]

Poe and prompt 7?

7 ("don't you see the lengths I'm going for you?")

i completely switched up the mood for this prompt than what it was supposed to be originally oops- anyways, reader gets enjoyment out of Poe's distress

WC 501// valentines event (ending soon!) tws: mention of murder?, kidnapping obvs, poe going through it

The day was calm, nothing too overbearing. The sun shined brightly on every surface it could touch, bringing life to every detail. Sometimes you wished the light rays would boil your skin, leaving only the bone behind as the earth claims all that had melted. Birds singing while dancing alongside each other in the air, the thing your captor wishes he could have with you. Gentle sighs of wind brushing past the leaves of the trees. There's food near where you sat, the steam rolling off while you stare at it. Footfalls were around the room, going back and forth. The pace of them seemed to go faster with every second. Out of all the days today it seems you kept your captor more on edge than ever, you’re just glad you don't have to be in a book. You weren't even aware of what he could do until he spat it out one night, the only reason he held back from doing so was because of Ranpo. Right, names, Edgar Allen Poe, a gorgeous name for someone who doesn't deserve it.

It was charming until the stalking happened, the words were sweet until the kidnap happened. The worst part is, you could barely say you even knew the man. You were normal until Poe made it something else and your subtle refusal was pushing him over the edge.

A huff finally stopped the constant back and forth of footsteps in the room, you finally chose to eat, the entertainment of Poe’s distress no longer making you feel somewhat satisfied. You didn't even mind that Poe started walking closer to you, nothing makes your day better than seeing him unhappy, it's your repayment for the damage he caused. Your best friend of years is currently stuck in a book because Poe got overly jealous of them, cursing them into his own created damnation, and by consequence, you as well. Poe’s insanity came clear after you found it was him who caused your friend to disappear, unknowingly sending him in a spiral of manic obsession over you.  Finally snapping out of your thoughts and half finished meal, the form next to you finally spoke up in tears, “don't you see the lengths i'm going for you? Why can't you accept me? Or even acknowledge me!” 

His hands suddenly on the table, his back hunched over while tears spilled onto the table. “I’ve given you everything I have! So please…”

A smile was all you could manage at his current state, it still wouldnt be enough but yet, it made you in the moment satisfied, something that would never be directed at him in the way he ever could want.

“Do you want me to pick out their hearts for you? Write more letters, please, please…” 

Just in the moment, this all you could ever want from him, and you know eventually, it won't be enough anymore. In some twisted up coping, you’ve turned his obsession in your favor by just a little.

[royposting]

for the ask game, and I bet you didn't see this coming and that's okay because I tend to surprise people with my refined taste

dickie g..

also let's throw bruce w in there those petty assholes <3

How I feel about this character:

DICK: my sweet son in law. beautiful princess with several debilitating disorders. my problematic prince. i love him dearly

BRUCE: bruce wayne i could never hate you. i could also never like you. he is such a deeply complex and interesting character and he fascinates me. i do however only really care about him in relation to others — i wouldnt sit down and read a batman comic, for example, unless it had an otherwise interesting interpersonal plot goin.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

DICK: dickroy 4evr. dickkory 4evr. unrequited unrealised dickjoey? chefs kiss.

BRUCE: bruce should be alone and miserable forever. i dont think this man knows what love and sex are and at this point he is too afraid to ask.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

DICK: wondertwins best friends 4 LIFE!!! also him x all the fab five friendship. also his relationship to bruce and to jason and to tim and to damian. hes just very interesting to put next to other people like they are little dolls.

BRUCE: bruce + batfam just deeply insane relationships <3 he is interesting with harvey also. and with ollie?

My unpopular opinion about this character:

DICK: i fear i will become single and also lose all of my mutuals if i am truly honest about this BUT i am kinda annoyed that he is a biiiiiit of a mary sue sometimes……. dont hate me…… like there is nothing he cant do. everyone admires him and wants to be him or be with him. perfect in every way and treated as such. main character of every ensamble cast. like i get it he is a special princess and every WRITERS special princess but please. let other characters shine sometimes. can he be bad or at least normal at literally anything? ever? does EVERYONE have to think hes the best thing since sliced bread?

BRUCE: bruce is more interesting dead and should stay dead for at least a couple years if not permanently

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

DICK: i wish he would also die for a little while lmao it would be interesting. he should come back of course. also he should be officially bisexual. and they should stop with the whole ass and spine breaking thing.

BRUCE: die lmao

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[sidabro]

ok for the ask meme i have to ask again but this time....give the people gilbo beilbo. please :3

;) of course.. i wouldve probably sent an anon to myself of him if you didnt, all because i wouldve wanted you to like the post.. hand on heart. :3

favorite thing about them: a year ago, i wouldve answered ''absolutelly nothing''. In a way, that hasnt changed.. i think that -in canon-, hes a very easy character to be annoyed at, to not like. But im a diffrent soul, so i will say, as much as it probably grites you: how hes such a good brother.. he sincerelly cares for Ludwig, he cared for Karl/Klaus, he cares for Lily, Kungelmugel (whats his name..), others that hes not even related to too- under all of his annoying behavior, is geniuine love and support, and wish for those he loves to succeed. He annoys others because he wants them to think about him, notice him, hes excentric as fuck and arrogant but its his way of showing love and being close to others. ''Arent you so lucky i love you?" and the answer he wants is ''yes, i am''.. the way he loves is just so very <33333

least favorite thing about them: its hard not to say ''he did the northern crusades'' ... l have nothing concrete i dislike about him otherwise. ive come to reason it all off as ''he wouldnt be himself if he didnt do x or wasnt like y''. You changed me!

favorite line: ou i think it was in one of the character descriptions Himaruya did but it was like.. ''we have to break the wall in our hearts''.. it was unreasonably hillarious then and it is now. and if that ones not real, ''diplomatic poses 1-85'' is hysterical. Come on, Ludwig, you could learn so much if you were just willing..

brOTP: Ludwiiiiiiiggg :33 ^ best brothers forever.. They live together! He will die in his arms, there wont be a diffrent fate! Ludwig hopes to keep him alive with bratwurst and bad coffee of course .. it seems to be working so far

OTP: With Kornelius 😊😊 (for those unaware: Livonian brothers of the sword order's sexiest knight that ever lived) before 1410, and i dont really think about what happens next.. i could confidently say that i fight on your side of the trenches with frying pan trio though..

nOTP: with Tolvydas or Feliks.. Feliks could work for maybe twenty years at the start of the deal but the order betrayed polish trust in an irreparable manner, id say.. and Tolvydas well for obvious reasons.. Oh wait! Also with Matthew! I think that one is just dumb as shit, no hate intended for anyone but its so random and dumbass

random headcanon: I like to think he doesnt speak english, like, at all. He knows german and dialects, random archaic lithuanian swearwords, enough hungarian to call Erszeveta at three am, some faint french overleft from the 18th century, and an ammount of russian that hes actively tried to forget with copious ammounts of alcohol, all for it to resurface from something random (which he understands, but wont speak).. but english is not biteable to him. Its like those english people who call german the deviltongue and mock it ''it sounds like a paperbag being chewed and oh so many articles''... hes the same towards english. cant gag out a ''good evening'' to save his life, and he gets annoyed, confused and fussed up about the lack of articles, lack of conjugating in verbs and so on..

unpopular opinion: i dont think hes a slob and wont clean his share.... theres an entire canon game of him going to peoples homes and cleaning them because he wants attention. he threw out like seven of Roderich's trousers. Seriously! He folds his clothes neat just like Ludwig, i wouldnt be surprised if hes the one that tought him that.

song i associate with them: because im not normal about him, here is my chronological (sortof, very biased.. ) playlist.. if i had to pick just one song, Saltatio Moris - Prometheus is my german voice for him

favorite picture of them: literally what on earth was this? sometimes i sit in my armchair and remember this for no reason.. The hungarian-style crown and samsung flip-phone really do complete this. He's sitting like he has period pains. I love it.

[privatelife]

not to be too online this is gonna read so embarrassing but my sibling wasnt available so i cant talk to them abt it lol

but ive been in a terrible mood all day bc sometimes RARELY i try to interact with my moots on various websites just little comments here and there. i dont do it nearly enough im very isolated in life and online but if i feel the need, i like to just say a couple words, yknow, human interaction. like if we follow each other i figure it's cool to engage in small ways ? anyway a twitter mutual hornyposted abt d*vid h*ward thr*nton and i thought it was funny and agreeable so i replied "REAL" i didnt think anything of it. i wouldnt have even given it a second thought if she ignored it entirely i was literally just taking a break from work scrolling twitter whatever not serious. but she responded almost immediately "i dont share..." and that was it. so then ive felt all day like i did something stupid and wrong lmao I KNOW IT'S SO UNSERIOUS she couldve been joking for all i know. but we've interacted maybe once before so i cant even tell. i kinda dont think she was joking tho 😭

if i may psychoanalyze myself for a second i think this tiny interaction triggered my rejection sensitive dysphoria real bad cause it like reinforced my idea that there's just something inherently wrong and unlikable abt me and that i shouldnt even bother interacting with other ppl. im at a point where i dont really believe that so much anymore but i still would like to feel "accepted" by cool ppl with similar interests to mine someday lol. i have one (1) real friend now and that's positively effected my view of myself immensely BUT we don't share a lot of the same interests so it's like, i can talk all day long abt certain things that are important to me and they'll gladly listen, but they don't get it the way others might. and vice versa! i love them dearly and wouldnt trade them for the world but i do at the same time wish i had Other friends who are into idk. horror movies, b movies, the music i like etc. you know. i think that's a perfectly normal thing to long for 😭 it seems like every time i reach out for that it never ever works in my favor :( ive mostly accepted im a weirdo with weirdo interests nobody gets me im too cool whatever blah fart sound... but why cant we all be weirdos TOGETHER. wheres the CAMARADERIE

i suppose a therapist would say keep trying! you're doing great! but oof it just really left my brain in tatters for the day. over something so dumb !!!! stupid and dumb !!! anyway at the end of the day i still can, should, must, and will fuck the clown man.

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

What's your favorite character from The Hunger Games trilogy?

Why do you like this character?

Favorite quote or moment from them?

Please state one (or more) thing which you don't like from them.

Thank you 😊

@curiousnonny

sorry this took forever it sent me into a spiral that wouldnt stop until i literally had to have my sister shake me back to normal (in a good way)

my favorite characters in the hunger games are a tie between cinna and johanna. cinna was like... the dad i never really had. when i first read the books and watched the movies, i found myself daydreaming about what he would say to me in random situations because i never really had anyone in my corner growing up. he was who i wanted to be and who i wished i had in my life simultaneously. sometimes i look in the mirror after doing my makeup and be like damn. cinna would totally do this look on me/on himself. the gold eyeliner? i do it whenever i possibly can -- i also sometimes do colored eyeliner to match my outfits and it is very much because of him. also, growing up around white girls who were absolutely gorgeous and wore dramatic makeup and got surgeries very much affected me, who grew up a brown girl who never wore makeup and Definitely couldnt afford or would be allowed to get surgeries, but thinking of cinna and how he wouldnt approve always made me feel better. i dont know, i just have a lot of love for him and i dont know where i would be if i didnt have a piece of him in my heart. my favorite quote from him is "i always channel my emotions into my work. that way, i don't hurt anyone but myself." it just speaks to me so much as someone who tends to internalize anger and pain, and had to learn how to put it into an outlet (which is usually music, for me). plus it lends such a sense of complexity to cinna -- makes you wonder how he got to rooting for the girl on fire, really. i love nearly everything about him, but if i had to change one thing, i wish he was more of a fighter. physically more than mentally, because you can really tell how strong he is mentally. i just wish he couldve fought back against the peacekeepers and escaped and lived. i wish he lived.

okay i was VERY soft about cinna but johanna?? oh im nothing but soft about how i love her. shes everything to me. she is me. i come off as a very gentle person but babe my internal monologue in johanna all the way. she is so fucking strong and brave and sharp and incredible and to see a woman like that face all these odds and bite them down to the quick? she could kill me a thousand times over and i'd ask her to do it again. shes everything i want to be and more. my favorite quote from her is actually from the movie specifically, not the book, where in one of the mockingjay movies, she says, "they messed us up pretty good, huh?" to katniss. i just think the way the line is delivered and the situation under which she said it just make it such a poignant and simple line. it is so, so difficult to reckon with the fact that you have accumulated trauma and it will not go away just because you know about it. thats something i can really relate to. i just!!!!!!!!!! love her a lot. there isnt a single thing i'd change about her. i love her for all of who she is<33

of course nonny!! i love these asks so much its so fun, so thank you for spreading this joy around<3333

[nerves-nebula]

I just saw from a post that you mentioned that your dad was Nigerian and I was just curious how you feel about being like Nigerian and if you actually feel like you're connected to the culture. Like you don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's just I was curious since I'm also Nigerian but I've never really left this godforsaken country(I say this both affectionately and with burning hostility)

Like did your dad ever like make an attempt to teach you your language or was he like my grandpa and just refuse to teach it to his kids😭

And if you've ever had Nigerian food what's your fave? (I dare you to say jollof rice🌚) mine is banga soup and white rice or ofada stew and white rice

Do you speak pigeon? Because if you do I'll definitely be speaking it to you in the anons from now on lol

And I totally agree about the beating being normalized in poc households😭. Your blog really helped me realize that my mom was kind of abusive (and I'm still kind of in denial about it) because over here it's so horrifying how normalized it is to beat your kids until they've turned black and blue.

I was talking to classmates and we were bonding over the fact our parents used to beat us with like wires, sticks, belts and stuff and how they overdid it alot of the time and made us scared shitless and one of them was literally telling me how she fell a glass cup and broke it and got some glass in her foot and she couldn't even tell her parents because she was too scared to get flogged so the babe performed surgery on her self with a DIRTY RUSTY razor at 10 yrs old💀.

And let me tell this convo wasn't even heavy, we were all laughing and joking about it and shit.

Then I asked them if they would ever beat their kids and these niggas said YESSS they were like if they never got beaten half to death as literal children they would have grown up to be bad ppl and I was floored like do you hear yourselves??? And when I said why beat your children like they're animals instead of treating them like little humans with developing minds that make mistakes and grow and these fools laughed at me and looked at me confused like I was speaking French to them😭 and I'm screaming jesus what a life😭😭😭😭

Only divine intervention can save Nigerians from this awful cycle of abuse(I'm not religious in any way). These goats need therapy😭😭😭😭

And have you heard the bs the government is pulling out of their asses over here with the money problem😭😭😭😭😭😭

Sorry if this is overwhelming, I just got really excited at the word Nigeria lol. I hate this stupid country and its stupid ppl so much but yet sometimes I'm filled with such overwhelming love for it and its stupid inhabitants. I'm the anon that went to that skating event and met a ton of queer ppl who respected my pronouns and stuff so these ppl are the only reason why I have hope for my dum dum country with it dum dum politicians

Sorry again for the rant😭😭😭😭

I just saw from a post that you mentioned that your dad was Nigerian and I was just curious how you feel about being like Nigerian and if you actually feel like you're connected to the culture.

ive never left America, so no. im sorry, i wish i was more connected to it a lot of the time but it just feels too late for that to me.

he never taught me his language either (Tiv) though he did speak it when he was around the house. but he wasnt around a lot. when i asked him why he didnt try to teach us he just shrugged like it wasn't a priority. he started staying in nigeria for most of the year only coming back for a few months every now and then so i probably wouldnt have picked it up even if he HAD tried.

I've never even called myself Nigerian, not because I don't want to be but because of the embarrassment of having to explain that yeah im Nigerian but... not really Nigerian. I wouldn't want to disappoint any REAL Nigerians by basically being raised as a white American kid and knowing nothing about Nigeria.

And if you've ever had Nigerian food what's your fave?

i've only ever had pounded yam and okra i think, it wasnt bad but it also apparently wasnt made properly. my mom would make it and my dad would be like "this isnt even real pounded yam what the hell is this" and then nothing would change the next time around haha. so i dont think i can say ive ever eaten Nigerian food, sorry. my oldest sister has tho, when she went to visit him. i hate spices though, they hurt too much, so i doubt I'd enjoy it. which i feel kinda bad about. but ive got a lot of issues about food, and being forced to eat food, so. yeah.

Do you speak pigeon? Because if you do I'll definitely be speaking it to you in the anons from now on lol

GOD I wish. i wish he'd taught us literally fucking anything.

now that most of us are adult-aged he's been asking us to come visit him in nigeria. he's clearly very lonely, but i dont want to be alone with him in a country where he controls everything about where i stay and what i do and what i eat (he doesnt understand my eating restrictions and it would be hellish to starve because of that)

two of my sisters have gone to visit him and it sounds like it was fucking AWFUL tbh. i'd go with them but not with him.

Then I asked them if they would ever beat their kids and these niggas said YESSS they were like if they never got beaten half to death as literal children they would have grown up to be bad ppl and I was floored like do you hear yourselves???

yeah this mindset is wild to me, cause if a kid is too young to understand why what they did is wrong then why are you beating them?? that wont help they literally don't understand?? and if they AREN'T too young to understand then explain it to them! People who beat their kids are just admitting they dont know how to solve problems or vent frustration without violence. And if they had control over the people around them, they would USE violence to force them to comply, but since they only have control over their kids they can only beat their kids.

Only divine intervention can save Nigerians from this awful cycle of abuse(I'm not religious in any way). These goats need therapy

my dad is the only Nigerian i really know, but from what I know about him this is very true. he's insanely traumatized from like, civil war stuff and his own shitty upbringing. but he doesn't really believe in mental health stuff so good luck telling him that!

And have you heard the bs the government is pulling out of their asses over here with the money problem

im not very caught up on the political situation over there, but from what my dads told me its not good. my dad is mostly interested in the education system though, its like his life's work and all he's ever wanted to was to be put in charge of it and get kids educated so they have opportunities like he did or something. idk. he thinks education is the key to making Nigeria better and i dont exactly disagree with his life mission but hey, I don't live there. what do i know.

he apparently helped get the current president elected in hopes that he'd be good, but it doesnt appear things are going well. Every time he'd come home when I was younger though, that was the main thing he talked about. Getting his guy elected.

he texted me a bit ago to say he'd met with the president multiple times and was feeling stressed out, but i dont wanna say more unless you end up tracking me or something haha. fun fact tho, he's apparently been almost assassinated at least twice. like maybe he's just super paranoid, but he KNOWS someone hired a guy to assassinate him at least once because that guy was his friend and came up to him one day like "yo watch out someone's trying to kill you lol" or something.

idk he told me that story when i was younger so maybe i have the details wrong.

I'm the anon that went to that skating event and met a ton of queer ppl who respected my pronouns and stuff so these ppl are the only reason why I have hope for my dum dum country with it dum dum politicians

ohh i remember you! what a coincidence haha.

[terraliensvent]

naw did yall see someone in the server sent their terra and said he was "very disabled" and when the mod thats active said that was an odd way to word it and they should probably word it differently they responded with the crying cat emoji and typing in caps lock like SORRY 😢😢 like oh my god you can't just *say that* made me so uncomfortable ffs

so i went looking for the interaction and heres the convo i found, im pretty sure some messages were deleted though

i will say this doesnt seem like a crazy interaction BUT as always i have some Thoughts

depending on the audience here some of yall might get really mad at me

the way the server treats disability has always come off as really weird to me, ive seen multiple people use autism as an excuse to be passive agressive, rude, or annoying even after being politely and explicitly told what things arent really appropriate (like some of the people who continually whine in chats about not winning raffles when its even been announced to Not Do That)

also the addition of pluralkit. thats a whole can of worms that i dont even wanna get into (but if yall wanna hear it then send me an ask lol)

this is what i mean when i talk about “the community terras cultivates,” its a huge group of tiktok-ified teens who get a very warped view of disability and talk super weirdly about things like this. and i hate to say it but a lot of them are into the social media world where they think that because they’re a little awkward or sometimes want to roleplay as their favorite characters, that means they have austism and DID

that being said, i think there is some leeway to be given, i mean we’re all weird when we’re around that age of young to mid-highschool, and theyll probably grow out of it and say wow that was super cringe

i just wish they wouldnt like, treat it as gospel when they say i have 200+ alters in a fictive heavy system, it just devalues and misleads those who actually suffer

which brings me back to the original point, the way these people talk about disability:

disabilities arent really a positive thing, to most theyre pretty negative. i cant imagine in my wildest dreams someone who has had their leg amputated going to people and treating it so flippantly as to say “yeah im suuper disabled”

disabilities are a part of life just as anything else, which means we shouldnt really have a whole party when someone draws a character in a wheelchair or with one leg. that doesnt mean you cant think “oh wow, cool, you dont see people draw that a lot” and be on your way, it just means we shouldnt treat it as some kind of brownie point celebration when a kid draws their oc and says “yeah this character has autism and schizophrenia and tourettes,” because at the end of the day, people with those disabilities in real life do not have celebrations about it, they dont meet people at a party and say “did you know i have tourettes,” they will talk about it normally as it comes up in life but its just. a part of their life.

when you make your disabled ocs, dont point at their disability and say “look how COOL this is! look how good i am for representing this!” instead, treat it the same way as if you were drawing an oc with short vs long hair. you dont make a character’s long hair the whole expression of their character, its just a part of their design (and by extension their “life”)

thats how i see it at least

[milkolya]

i feel like oversharing on this fine friday morning abt whats going on in my life. if you read this, thank you 💖 i know we tumblr gays are all going Through It at any given moment, and the solidarity has always helped me cope

(TW suicide) (with details)

last week my grandfather on my mothers side killed himself by jumping out the 12th story window of their apartment building in russia. he'd been fighting esophageal cancer for approximately 4 years. he was 70 years old. he definitely had some issues, some trauma or mental health struggles, you know, SOMETHING, that led him to excessive drinking and smoking for the vast majority of his life. like, he wouldnt have had cancer if he actually took care of himself you know? its his vices / coping mechanisms that caused it. and once he started getting treated, he didnt have it in him to change his lifestyle to make the treatments worth anything.... he continued on drinking and smoking and eating sugar by the spoon (another cause of the cancer is poor diet) and even insisted that he would die if he gave up any of those things. id get in trouble if i used the "alcoholic" word around my family but they were watering down his wine behind his back when my parents visited in 2021. like come on. and even at 70, he still outlived all of his siblings, all of which died from alcoholism related causes afaik. he just... he was clearly suffering, and in classic russian fashion, he kept everything bottled up forever, never made any effort to get better, and one day when sitting down to do his bills he decided you know what, i dont want to do this anymore.

thats what happens when you dont address problems!!!!

obviously its heartbreaking but its also incredibly frustrating for me. i was super suicidal as a teenager and my mother did NOT take it seriously, she told me that it was "normal" and everyone experiences it (including her). now in retrospect i understand that she was trying to help me and comfort me, that that thought must have helped her, but like. its not normal... and its pretty fucked up that ive been suicidal, my mother has been suicidal, and now my grandpa (her dad) killed himself. he fucking killed himself!!!! what the fuck!! and i continue to be the ONLY PERSON in my ENTIRE FAMILY who tries to seek help through medication and therapy and just like, at least fucking acknowledge that we have hereditary fucking issues in the form of trauma and mental illness.... its just a mess.

and of course my mother and grandmothers top concern is What If Hes Not In Heaven. cause suicide is a sin. cause thats what we should be focused on ?!?!? sigkapfilwkflamcnwgkqj . it makes me want to scream.

ive just been surrounded by suicide my whole goddamn life and i wish it would end. my close friend attempted when i was 15 and i had no fucking clue what to do. multiple others i was close to at school were struggling with similar thoughts and urges, including myself. we were all desperately trying to hold eachother together, you know? far too much to handle for a bunch of kids. and then i went to uni, and my new friends there had similar issues, and in 2nd year, one of them did kill themself. they took their fathers gun and they shot themself in the head. and did my mother help me feel better? only until i mentioned suicide. once that was out there, there was ZERO sympathy, just judgement, and dismissal of their struggles. which really, really hurt me. because they were trans, and they couldnt handle how harsh this world is towards us, and obviously i really related to that sentiment.

like, i understand my grandpa too. i dont... i dont blame him personally? i dont even really blame my mother personally, when it comes to these kinds of issues. sometimes i will get mad at her about specific interactions but at the end of the day its russian society that made both of them this way. its so deeply ingrained. i just wish i could have helped my grandpa and i wish i could help my mama now but i cant. i can barely help myself.

and ive had to take time off work because i cant fucking focus and i just keep crying all the time and my brain is a foggy mess. and i dont know how to keep going. when will i feel better? i need to get back to work. will i be able to do that??

when my friend died... well, i call them my friend, but we were not close or anything. they were one of my good friend's roommates. we did talk occasionally and were on friendly terms. it just feels wrong to say "acquaintance" or something like that. i didnt process their death in a very timely manner. its weird but common, i think. about 2 years after it happened i started getting triggered by any content with suicide by gun. surprisingly common in media lol. folks love to hold a gun to their head on tv!! (side note: first movie i ever watched with my now fiancee, it was get out and when the guy shoots himself suddenly at the end i had a full blown fucking meltdown lmaooooooo so embarrassing it was like our 3rd date and the night of our first kiss)

idk why it took 2 years for that to start happening, i guess that was just my processing time. and then it took another two years or so to sort that out in therapy and im finally okay again and i can watch stuff with guns and suicide and not freak out. but now im scared of how this thing with my grandpa is going to affect me and how long thats going to last. i just want some peace and quiet :(

if u read all that, thank u. maybe give this a like to let me know. ive been deleting my vent posts a lot lately so idk if i will keep this up. my friends have been lovely and supportive, theres just not much anyone can really say to make it better. so it feels more comfortable to do a massive vent post like this thats optional to engage with. and ive always aired out my personal business on here so it feels right hehe.

[tears-of-boredom]

oh my god this fucking tumblr dash i frogort aobut it already and my figner are fucking freezing so i cant tyoe for shit

anyways so i was browsing like you know one of those websites that streams a bunch of shit for free, and i saw a show called BEEF, just BEEF, it wasnt an acronym or anything. so fo course i had to see what was up duh?? so i finished the first episode. and i fucking love it. i mean the whole time i was lowkey chanting "kill someones kill someone kill someone" but you know how good media does that to you right. but yeah so when the episode finished, i noticed that my heart was beating really fast, like as if id drunk coffee. like lowkey i wouldnt have been surprised if i had passed out onto my desk. but so if my bodys reaction to the show is anything, i enjoyed it. im going to watch the next episode when i either A: feel like i can handle my pulse rising like that again without freaking out or B: i wanna get an adrenaline rush because im really depressed and need to feel something. but yeah this is totally just like that time i watches thor ragnarok, and it took like multiple weeks for me to get through it because i just couldnt handle tom hiddleston. but thsi time i refuse to believe that its any of the actors. i am trying to convince myself that im not that shallow. tbh i just loved the last scene where uhh,,, hold on whats her name okay its Amy. so i loved that scene where she got to fuel all her anger into running after Danny and yelling shit at him. like i know its not for a good reason but i feel like my girl really needed just some way to let some steam out. anyways yeah i am going to go read something that i give zero shits about now because my body is still on alert from that. it feels like im planning on having a voluntary social interaction with someone, which i am not. aka i am anxious as fuck but in this way where i kinda dont want to be, but my body just reacts so strongly that i really cant fight it. ya know social anxiety. except sometimes its triggered by just a good tv series.

honestly its probably just that im excited, because that episode was good,, but because this jittery and kind of stressed feeling isnt really like, often present in my life in a positive way, i just can't tell excitement apart from anxiousness. ya know. normal " i have awful social anxiety" things. or more like "i am severely mentally ill and am not getting the treatment i need" kind of things. pick one. or both. tbh the adults suggested uhh like occupational therapy, and i got a list of therapists from my doctor. but my trust in any kind of help the adults try to give me is so fucking deteriorated that i cant imagine it ever actually helpoing me. and if i told that to an adult i know they would say some shit like " well i f you go in all negative of course its notgonna work!! you gotta want to heal for it to work" and oh my god im drviing myself into abreakdown here so haha i wish that the adults would fucking understand that i fucking have severe anxietyy and trust issues. and that not believing a form of therapy is going to help me, isnt the same thing as not wanting to be helped. do you fucking know how badly i jsut want someone to finally give me some type of actual support or aid or help oh my god. okay my fingers are getting really aggressive on the keyboard. im gonna go fr now. i fucking hate adults. and im tired. and i have trust issues. and i ahve anxiety. and while my medication does help me to go about my day a bit easier, because i dont find myself digging mental holes for myself. it doesnt help for shit when im in a situation that in and of itself is anxiety inducing for me. and i dont fucking like how i cant tell the difference in my mood between the lighter and stronger dose. because i cant fucking say that its not heloing. because i dont know that. oh my god i am so horrible at stopping myself from venting. going now. okay. bye.

[svankmajerbaby]

✨️🎀🎈💞💝🕯🎙🤲💌

!! thank u so much for the ask. i love talking about writing......

✨ What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

-hmm theres a point in which i have to tell myself not to worry about likes or comments bc what really matters is me getting the practise and exercising my writing muscles and having fun with it... But. i do wish i could get more ppl into my toy story fic. its got a whole bunch of wonderful comments and kudos and stuff, i just feel so proud of it and writing it came so easy and i poured so much of my love into it, i really really wish anyone who loves these characters would read it too.

🎀 give yourself a compliment about your own writing

-english is not my first language so grammar isnt often The Best, but i take a lot of care with using words and expressions as correctly as possible, and I try to always spell words right (i dont think ive ever confused loose and lose, for example, which ive seen confused a few times). some descriptions of spaces are particularly well done, at least to my own criteria, and the song choices are fun (or at least fun to write and picture in my head).

🎈 describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

- honestly, ive no idea. i think i get verbose, and i write long dialogue scenes. i overuse the — to lead into another thought, because thats kind of like how my mind works. i try to be "cinematic" in my writing and always start a scene with a description of a place, its lighting and its sounds, like im used to when writing scripts. and i got the sense that usually the characters often ramble and go on long discussions about stuff that maybe normal people wouldnt just start out discussing so strongly. but honestly id much rather someone else outside my own perspective told me what my writing is like, i would trust them more than my own opinion.

💞 what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

-the characters!! everything is important, and stuff like grammar often jumps out first for me... but i need to enjoy how the characters are written, and feel like theyre real people with genuine motivations and interactions. i dont mind too much if theyre not super alike to canon, as long as they feel true to the core of their personality and values.

💝 what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

-i was surprised to even get comments on my barbie frankenstein one. i loved writing it and it came through so easily and comfortably, but even though i had used that moderately popular meme of reimagining barbie as a gothic protagonist as inspiration i didnt really think it would be anything but something i liked to picture existing. i was so happy to see people enjoyed it too.

🕯️(there are two questions with this candle emoji symbol? i chose the first one, idk why theres two) was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

-the tiff fic :'^) ive always liked writing sorta dark stuff, ever since i was little, but this was on another level. sometimes i felt (and still do) feel a bit awkward bc i really do push myself to write stuff i feel a bit embarrassed or shocked by, but i do think that if i want to be a better writer it does me good to make an effort to depict stuff that makes me uncomfortable and seek to write it in a sense of finding a way to both make if effective and relatively tasteful (or at the very least in-character).

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

- i have never heard about pod-fic before, but i guess i can imagine what it is (wonder if its like an audiobook, or if it has sound effects and the like??). i would love to listen to an audiobook of the barbie frankenstein fic mostly bc i would love so so much to hear the dramatic literary dialogue ive written in kelly sheridans barbie voice. also now that i think about it i have no idea what the creature would even sound like... that would be an interesting challenge.

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

-practise writing in english, a sense of accomplishment (when i get to finish something!!) and every once in a while some strong validation in the form of ppl liking what i write... all of it is super valuable to me, especially practise and the push and drive to finish stuff to upload, but the validation in particular just really hits that dopamine in my brain i guess

💌 share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

-its from the glen and glenda fic im halfway planning! i got a few dialogues written and some scenes sketched out, but its still a long way to go. im very excited about it tho! ive grown to really love the versions of the twins ive made in my head. hopefully theyre faithful to their screen depictions while also adding a bit more depth and character building ive wanted to take them through.

[disjenyamembra]

long jenyapost

tldr: birthday went great, arguably the best one ive ever had

yesterday was actually insane. things went my way to an unbelievable extent

first of all, beautiful sunny day. building a faux lego set in the morning while listening to music from mario galaxy felt so good. got a solid chunk of change from my estranged relatives. went out to have breakfast. just a great start to a day. also saw like 6 magpies in the same area just chirping around right next to my house. i dont know how to express how much this stuff doesnt normally happen but it felt like they were wishing me happy birthday ! and of course all my human friends sent me their lovely well wishes too and everyone was very sweet. last year i felt like i hardly knew anyone, what a difference a year makes :)

went to a clothes swap afterwards, got a few cool things, but got somewhat socially drained and had to recharge for a bit. walked around with my friends around town, had some cocoa and got cozy. after that it was off to the concert. followed the local coastline and the sea was so beautiful that evening. it was already dark so you almost couldn't see the difference between the water and the sky. the waves were foaming tall and loud. i had the biggest urge to get in so i just stared at it as we were getting to the gig. it was so quiet that you could only hear the sea and sometimes when we'd walk next to parked sailboats all their hanging bits sounded like wind chimes.

we got to the gig venue super early because the organizers introduced a new punch card system and since we were regulars getting a freebie every once in a while seemed great. so we stand there in the que, waiting for the cards and tickets and see one of the singers. okay, this is normal, shes also the org, we see her all the time. then she looks at us and says hi. ok, still normal ish, happened a few times already. and then

"Congratulations, you won the giveaway for a free tattoo, happy birthday!"

i entered like a month ago and one of the entry criteria was to leave a comment about which band you were going to see and i was just like "all of them because its like exactly on my birthday, what are the chances". i did kind of say it because a) funny and b) "haha what if the decide to be a bit cheeky and rig it". so i was joking the whole day about how everything today is turning out my way and how im the worlds favorite and wouldnt it be sooooo funny if i also won the giveaway. and then it happened and it just felt like a copypasta in real life. i straight up squealed on the spot.

the gig itself was great. my friend got some merch, we had a few drinks. there were some acts ive never seen there before, one just moved here a month ago so i really wanted to show her a warm welcome and just vibed so hard to the music. i was the first one dancing and it was so so fun. when the crowd decided to finally wake up and get moving we moshed to a not at all moshable song and it felt so childish in the best way possible. one of the performances felt straight up hypnotic and we were all just in it together. one of my favorite things about going to concerts is that occasional feeling of downright religious unity with the crowd. like you are all this one thing on the floor at the whims of the music. its like magic every single time it happens. we were screaming their name it was sooooo good!!! and then they announced the headliner and everyone just lost it. we were singing along and just completely swept up in the moment.

i saw the frontwoman play in another band before and it was my favorite thing about this particular event back then. her songs were painful and at the time i was going through it so i connected with them instantly from the first time i went. ever since then i attended partially to sweat and scream out this pain. it helped me a lot but i cant deny in hindsight how heavy the experience was for me. so when she played those same old songs but with new people new sound and new meaning to it i felt healed. i danced and sung for its own sake. i felt like it was finally, definitively over, and i could leave that chapter of my life and all its sorrows behind me. her growth and mine happened to coincide in such a wonderful way. it felt like i was seeing a start of something greater then myself, someone who would go on to play stadiums.

and then the final band came on and i moshed so hard i felt like i was going to collapse at the end of it. as we went home she wished me happy birthday one last time and thanked us for coming. she briefly introduced me to my future tattoo artist and then on we went, out to the street and the sea.

i felt so happy just to be alive