#sometimes i need to remind myself of this when i feel like the world sucks

[aria-upside-down]

To the two random people who spotted me from across the Sams parking lot sitting in my families van waiting on Christmas Eve and decided to wave at me, give me a hand heart, and blow me a kiss as you got in the car. I just want to say, you absolutely made my day 10x better! I still think about it! I have no idea if you two were siblings, friends, or dating, but you were both very attractive humans and am very honored to have been noticed by you!

[donut-entendre]

i'm more anxiety rambling out of anything else. I have to explain myself because I have to explain myself because I have to. i can't even think in my own head anyways.

I was so scared of being 'problematic' when i was a teen and I was anyways. the whole time. and i understand that fucking paralyzing fear of doing something 'wrong' or 'bad'. I do. I still get it over random nonsense. but I'm not uhh... A pillar of virtue or anything. never was. there's better things to care about rn and I'm writing posts. Because I want to understand and be understood, genuinely.

I don't make posts talking about problems because I want to be mean. Even if I. Am. that's a skill issue on my part, I am constantly taking the L with that, it's not just here. I just. Actually care. I don't care if someone was wrong before. I just want people to know 'hey that's bad actually' because honest to god there are people in fandom who just don't know. It's the people who do know and choose to keep holding it up that I have a real issue with.

My hypothetical "third guy" is always an unreasonable actor who the argument would not work for anyways that r getting me in a twist. yknow. I want people to choose to do better and the hypothetical guy chooses not to, so I sound. Like that. and I like being mean to the hypothetical guy, because they're not a reasonable actor nor a real force to be fought, yknow, but, um, I'm saying this and uh. wow. that is my problem, isn't it. I'm fighting a third guy and he's not real so other people get hit. huh.

anyway. the point was supposed to be like. everybody sucks at it until they don't, and talking to each other about things is how we learn how to be better together, and I would know because I could have been a lot worse and I. choose. to try and be better. and I understand being there. not knowing how to be better or being angry about being in the wrong. and I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm not just a screaming ball of rage or whatever. I'm scared of 'fucking up' too. I want to help. I'm just. bad at not being an asshole, i guess. I made the mistakes. I think it's kind of me I'm screaming at to be better, but subjecting other people to that at the drop of a dime isn't. fair. what the fuck am i doing. anyone who got freaked out by me tn for the third time it truly isnt about any one person 1) clearly i have something i'm dealing with here oh my god and 2) i have been here for 8 years. i'm screaming at a ghost. this person is not real but they are because theyre me and my mashed potato memories of twenty other things.

but that's not fair. it's my problem. the third guy is quite literally in my head. he's me. putting that on you isn't fair. that's fucked up of me. I am also in the wrong here. My points stand but the methodology is all fucked. Not wanting to talk to me after seeing me do that over and over even if it wasn't my intention to single anyone out is more than just fair. not just today, you can go in my archive and see more examples of me flaring up like this. I'm keeping it all there and I'm not leaving or whatever. I just. because i really mean it when i say i don't like or intend being mean to real people. i just... can't share that desire for myself, and it hurt others, and for some reason it just now clicked, I think. and. I'm learning. and. I'm sorry. for that. And i guess i'll do something about the guy now that i seem to be aware it's happening. and uh. yeah.

[timeisacephalopod]

On one hand my one sister is Big Stupid and pregnant again, which I wouldn't care as much about if this wasn't the fourth kid with the fourth shitty fucking father who will do nothing but cause even MORE pain and suffering to my sister's life, and on the other hand my other sister keeps sending me apartment ads which is very sweet because she ALSO just had a baby (in August and also her situation is stable, I'm very proud she managed to pull off what she did considering where she's come from. Her boys, especially Older Nephew were SO excited for the baby and I love listening to Older Nephew talk about his sister, it's so heartening to see him so happy and excited. Something tells me my other sisters 3 girls won't be nearly as impressed, especially not Oldest Niece and it's gotten to a point where I feel somewhat compelled to try and mentor this poor kid but I don't know SHIT about kids and don't want to let this poor kid down like everyone else has, she deserves better than that).

Granted my whole life I've preferred Apartment Sister to Making Poor Life Choices sister but also recently Making Dumb Choices has made some serious improvements to her life, very impressive ones too, so it's just disappointing to watch her backslide especially into the same bullshit she's been doing since she was 18 and is now 32. But at least I'm not the only one apartment hunting 😂😂 her efforts are super appreciated given that she just moved herself as well, plus having a fresh baby (very cute baby too). Now with any luck my OTHER sibling will get her shit together hopefully before we're on child number six with father number six with all the same fucking personality flaws and mental health problems not one of these men take even remotely seriously because that's exhausting to me let alone my damn sister.

[blubunz]

DEEP INSIDE

— sub! old! leon s. kennedy x f! reader

《MINORS DNI!》

Tags: grinding, thigh riding, riding, whimpering, hand job, overstimulation, handcuffed... bondage? dacryphilia, tits sucking.

A/N: I hate it when I have to feed myself,, I need to know if there's any old! sub! Leon fic out there, give...give... also I'll write for RE2 Leon soon just don't know when but I will. For now, I hope u guys enjoy old! sub! Leon.

You can see through him, Leon's not that good at hiding himself. Through that frown and that agitated look, you know how expressive he actually is. Face full of sorrow after hearing every bad news, eyes showing concern when someone gets hurt, he tries to hide, but you can see it.

Most people show indifference towards Leon, he hardly has a stable live life, and as he grows older, his yearning for love growing stronger despite his tongue speaking the opposite.

You step into his life and get him to follow you like a dog. Despite his intimidating look, you can see a flicker of vulnerability under those eyes. His younger self never dies, just hidden under the rough layers of what this world had done to him.

You reach out and manage to see that side of him, giving him gentle kisses and kind acts, you look so sincere, so full of affection when he's with you. Leon goes speechless sometimes, acting like a shy puppy when you say something nice about him, he tries to brush it off with a sarcastic remark or some bad jokes, but you touch his heart the way no one else could.

Same goes with sex, some might think he'd be this rough-around-the-edge guy, the look on his face makes it look like he can give you a good time and calling you princess while manhandling you on the bed.

It was like that at first, but you want to see that side of him, the young Leon who used to be so passionate and obedient.

So here you are, grinding your wet cunt against his aching cock, your nail gently sliding his foreskin down, revealing his cute tip leaking just as much as you are. His hands tied behind his back, squeezing and pulling on the bedsheets below.

Leon groans, head tilting back and eyes rolling up, you can see his Adam apple bobbing as he tries to swallow his moans. Leon thinks moaning aren't for older men like him, he's embarrassed, ashamed of being so vulnerable after hiding himself for so long. He wants to act tough, to let everyone know they can't kill him, but it seems that you've broken it.

A long whine squeezes out of his throat — high pitched, breathless and needy. He looks at you through his squinted eyes brimming with tears as you stroke his cock slowly, your hips matching your hand movement as you grind on his bare, hairy thigh.

“Shit— Shit— Mngh!” Leon frantically curses out, hips bucking up to your hand, trying desperately to get you to stroke him properly. “Fuck, fuck! Y-You can't—”

His head rolls all the way back, and you can see his face turning like those anime girls that some guys watch to goon too. Cum trickling out like a fountain, white globs running over your hand, warmth enveloping you as they trail down to his balls, and on the sheets. Honestly you'd play with yourself when looking at that too.

So you did, you took a quick picture of his blissed out face, before resuming your pace on his cock. His cum makes things so much easier to fuck, wetter sounds fill the room with glee.

“No, de-delete tha—aaah...fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuck—”

He grits his teeth, drool dribbling down his chin and stubble, you can't help but lick it off, trailing to his lips for a sloppy kiss, prying his mouth open so you can hear more of those hidden moans. He looks so different than usual. Brows furrowing upwards as you two lock lips, feeling you bite into his lower lip, soothing it with your tongue and sliding said tongue inside his mouth, swirling around his.

Leon cries, mumbling something about you going faster. He's so cute, trying to threaten you and taking control, yet you're not the one being tied up. You remind him of his place by squeezing the shaft, and your free palm rubbing the tip harshly, making his words turning quick into mewls.

Your own hips moving clumsily, you're so focused on making him cry, you leave your cunt aching and dripping so much. Leon feels how wet you are, and that just makes him react even worse, cock twitching and yearning to be inside you.

"P-Please—" He cries, hips buck against your palm. “W-Want you...t' feel it inside you...” Leon begs, he's pulling the sheets so hard it springs out of the mattress.

“Yeah?” You smile, biting down the juncture between his shoulder and neck, making bruises on his body. “I don't know, though. You seem content with just my han—”

“No, please!” He sobs loudly, and you have a small realization that you've never heard of an old man crying until tonight. “Need y' pussy... wanna feel your wet cunt... wanna make you feel good...”

He looks at you through his tear stained eyelashes, and the sight of him crying makes you want to tease him until he passes out, but that's for another day.

You give in, aligning your dripping cunt to the tip of his cock. You have to hold Leon's thighs down since he just keeps pushing his cock up to try and push it through.

“Relax.” You grin, and that sounds like a mock for him. Your smile falters slightly as you sink down on his hard cock, feeling the curvy shape of it bumping just right there against your weak spot.

Leon moans like a girl, and you force yourself not to moan along because it's not everyday you can hear Leon making all these heavenly noises. You breath out heavily, rolling your hips to take him deeper, finally seated on his cock, his pubic hair scratching against your clit.

You hold onto his shoulders and begin bouncing on him, biting your lower lip to keep quiet, occasionally letting out little grunts here or there. Leon gasps, jaw hanging open as his hips rut into your cunt like the pathetic he is.

“Y-Yesss!” He's drooling all over, glossy eyes staring up at the ceiling while you bounce on him like never before. “Pussy soooo good! Mngh- hngh—!”

Your tits hover close to him, going up and down rapidly. He can't help but lean forward and take your nipple into his mouth, sucking it like a baby. You groan at that, Leon has never looked so cute ducking a woman's tits like this, lips wrap firmly around the perky bud, cheeks hollow and inside, his tongue is going wild over your nipple, flicking it and rolling it. He keeps his mouth occupied by going back and forth between your breasts, until you pull him back by his hair, earning a moan and a clear silver lining of drool connecting his lips and your tits.

“Can't hear your moans when your mouth is busy, Leon.” You say, resuming your rough pace.

His arms begin to struggle, he knows how to untie himself, but he can't really think when he's this deep inside you, inside your hot womb and in your grasps.

“Hngh! Can't—!” His hips snap up against you. “Can't hold it, pleasepleaseplease! Wanna cum...wanna fucking cum!” He begs shamelessly, the little pride left in his body has shattered into pieces as the wave of lust consumed his mind. All he can think about is releasing his hot load inside you.

“P-Please, pretty please—” He's straight up ugly crying now, snots running down his nose as his face tensed up, his wrinkles visible.

“Yeah, cum in me, Leon. Be a good boy and cum inside—” You pant out, eyes half lidded and looking at him with such a mesmerizing gaze, he can't help but kiss you — but, you instantly push his face off, tugging on his hair one last time to hear his delicious scream as his loads fill your empty womb up, and your pussy tightens around him, his fucked up face is enough to make you cum.

God, he's cumming so much, filling you to the brim with white streaks leaking down where you and him are connected.

You pant, untying him lazily as you lean on his body. His wrists burned from the impact, yet he raises his shaky hands up to hug you close, sobbing a bit more before eventually both of you fall asleep like that.

[fuctacles]

<< 14 | 0 | 16 >>

looking for dog-themed songs for the fic playlist

They sit facing each other on the warmed up concrete, having given away the lawn chairs to the girls. Steve is sliding every piece of onion off his skewer and onto Eddie's plate, which sits right next to his for easy sharing. It reminds him of cafeteria meals and swapping snacks with friends, something he never had with Steve, because of how different they were in high school. It makes him wonder if what he's feeling could really be mutual. 

"Are you staying for the movie?"

His eyes snap back up to meet Steve's, waiting for an answer. 

"I guess so. What are we watching?" It might not be the wisest to keep around while figuring himself out, but what is he going to do? Not spend time with his friends? 

Steve rolls his eyes. 

"The jury is still out," he answers dryly. "But I can guess some nerd shit will get majorly outvoted."

Eddie snorts.

"What would you pick? A baseball game?" he asks, chewing on a piece of meat. His fingers are getting greasy, but they forgot to grab napkins and standing up sounds like too much exercise. 

Steve moves the grilled bits on his plate with the now empty skewer. 

"Not really..." he says, all quiet and shy, which immediately grabs Eddie's attention. Wary of the food and drinks between them, he leans in conspiratorially. 

"You can tell me, I ain't a snitch," he reassures, and when Steve looks up, he adds a wink. Steve huffs out an amused breath.

"I like romantic comedies," he admits, watching Eddie warily, like he's awaiting judgement. 

"Huh." He sits back to properly take him in. "That kinda makes sense."

"Yeah?" Steve raises an eyebrow. 

"Yeah." Eddie shrugs, and now he's feeling self-conscious. "It suits you. We could watch something one day, your pick."

Ohmygodsohmygodsohmygods, do not invite Steve for one-on-one romcom watching—!

Steve's face lights up with a wide smile. 

"Oh, I'm going to hold you to that one, Munson," he teases, but it's obvious he's genuinely excited by the offer. 

"Already regretting I said it," Eddie teases back, but offers Steve a strip of bacon so he knows he doesn't mean it. 

Without thinking, he starts licking the grease off his fingers, and it takes him a moment to realize Steve stopped moving. He looks up with a questioning hum, fingertip in his mouth.

"You need a napkin?" Steve asks with a raise of his eyebrows. 

"Nah, I'm good," Eddie mumbles around his finger just to be difficult, and pushes it deeper, sucking with gusto. For once, Steve doesn't look into his eyes, too focused on his mouth. His cheeks are colored the faintest shade of pink, and Eddie finally realizes what he's been doing. He slides his finger out with a wet smack and smiles apologetically. "Sorry. Want me to lick yours too?" he offers, like the good friend that he is. 

Someone nearby chokes, but he's too focused on the bit to check who. Their fault for listening in, right?

Meanwhile, Steve's face turns tomato red. 

"Uh, I'll manage myself. I'm good at licking," he cringes as soon as the worlds leave his mouth, and Eddie almost chokes himself with how hard he laughs.

After the party, comes more cleaning. This time, as there's more people and everyone gets forced into using their two hands and opposable thumbs, it goes faster, though with much more complaining.

Sometime in the middle of filling the trash bags, Robin has changed the music. Steve sighs, when the first song plays, but by the next two, his head is nodding to the beat. On the chorus, his hips sway, and Eddie almost drops the plate he's holding. 

"Your song, dingus!" Robin yells when the next song starts, making Steve roll his eyes. But he's shimmying his shoulders and mouthing along to all the lyrics. 

They tie away their bags at the same time, which gives Eddie the misfortune of watching him free his hands and make a silly little dance.

"Well, you ain't never caught no rabbit, you ain't no friend of mine!" he mouths along, and when he catches Eddie staring, he gives him a sheepish smile and a wink.

"Should I find you more dog themed songs to dance to?" he raises his eyebrow with a smile.

"No—"

"Yes!" Robin pops out from behind him, seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm constantly on the look out, but there aren't many good songs. I want to make a playlist." She grins. 

"Oh, I'm in." Eddie smiles back, extending his hand. Their palms slap together, and Steve shakes his head.

"Wow. Traitors." 

"Oh, I'd never betray you, Hound Dog," Eddie declares with a hand to his heart. Steve flips him off.

They pick The Battle for Endor, which Steve accepts with a sigh and a quiet "At least it has teddies," something probably only Eddie can hear, since he's sitting right next to him. He starts dozing off halfway through anyway, but Eddie doesn't wake him up until the movie ends and they have to plan how to get the younger lot home. It was a busy day, after all. 

"I'm going home anyway, so I can take them," Nancy offers. 

"Don't be stupid," Steve mumbles in his half-asleep state. "You won't fit them in your car."

"I can get Max and Super Twins," Eddie says, and the grasp around his arm tightens. He looks down at Steve, suddenly awake and frowning.

"You're not staying?" he asks, audibly upset. 

"I'll come back," Eddie reassures him quickly, patting his hand. "Okay! Mad Max, Wonder Twins, grab your shit. The sooner we leave, the closer I am to getting wasted," he commands, gently prying himself out of Steve's grasp. He scratches behind his ear as a consolation. "Should I grab anything while I'm out?"

"No," Steve says quickly, even though Jonathan has already opened his mouth, most probably with a request.

Something twists in Eddie's chest.

"Okay, buddy, I'll be back as soon as I can, no detours," he reassures again, with another scratch. 

"Okay, thanks." Steve closes his eyes briefly, but then blinks them open and pushes at his thigh, like his mind has suddenly cleared from the remnants of sleep. "Be quick, but without breaking the law." He smiles up at Eddie.

"Ugh, fine." He rolls his eyes. "Be right back," he nudges Steve's head before motioning the kids to follow him outside. 

It's suddenly silent, with the movie over and most of the people gone from the room. Steve clears his throat, watching Robin crawl over the carpet to rewind the tape. 

"So only Nancy isn't staying?" he asks, looking around the room. 

"I already told my parents I'm sleeping over." Robin shrugs. 

Jonathan and Argyle look at each other, like they are communicating in a way not dissimilar to Steve and Robin.

"It's good vibes here, man," Argyle says, his hair swaying as he nods. 

"Eddie promised we'll compare the goods," Jonathan adds. 

"Oh, right!" his friend perks up, his eyes sparkling. "Almost forgot about that."

Robin makes a face. 

"God, I really hope you mean the weed," she says. "You think I can still persuade Nancy to come back?"

The boys start snickering, but Steve quickly collects himself to answer her question, no matter how unserious it is. 

"I think she wouldn't be comfortable," he winces, because they all know why. "But I could drive you to hers if you want to?" he offers instead. 

She shakes her head. 

"Nah, just give me a beer and I'll lower my joke standards to yours."

"Okay, you don't have to be mean, Robs," Steve rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. On his way to the kitchen, he tugs on her hair. "Beers for everyone?" He turns to look at each of his remaining guests.

Jonathan nods, but Argyle shakes his head. 

"I don't mix my substances," he says, pulling out a joint out of his pocket instead. 

When Eddie comes back, he makes a beeline upstairs, hoping he hasn't been spotted. He doubts his van hasn't been heard, her old-lady coughs being a part of her charm, but maybe he was stealthy enough inside not to be traced. 

But once he's back down he realizes how foolish that thought was. Because somehow, Steve is ridiculously attuned to him and has his eyes on Eddie immediately, like he's been expecting him. A cold bottle of beer is pressed into his hand when he sits back in the seat that's been waiting for him. 

"Dropped some stuff upstairs, since I'm sleeping over again," he explains quietly without prompting, his nervousness making him yap unnecessarily, as usual. "Uh, are we bunking together too, or...?" It was probably stupid of him to assume, considering there are more people in the house today that need a place to sleep. 

Considering his own freak out this morning. 

"Of course," Steve says with a smile that tells him no other option had crossed his mind. "Unless you don't want to?" he cocks his head, almost like he's tilting curious, pointed ears. "I promise to wear pants this time." 

Jonathan chokes on his beer, and when Eddie snaps his head that way, Argyle gives him a supportive smile and that weird surfer gesture, while patting Jon on the back.

He hopes the dim light of the room hides the flush of embarrassment on his face. 

"Well, since you promise to be decent, how could I say no?" he says, rolling his head back to Steve. 

Steve, who gives him a relieved, dazzling smile, and presses their thighs together, flooding his whole body with warmth.

It's terrifying, how good it feels. 

tags: @noodle-shenaniganery @jaytriesstrangerthings @imaginary-maggie-waggie @samsoble @croatoan-like-its-hot

@dragonmama76 @storyranger @scoops-aboy86 @ollyxar @estrellami-1

@stevesworldxx @ajeff855 @live-laugh-love-dietrich @thelittleclare @wheneverfeasible

@bumblebeecuttlefishes @blasvemous @phantomcat94 @n33dlew0rk @manliest-of-muppets

@ravenfrog @dreamercec @tartarusknight @eyehartart

[atinysuh]

ateez and their favorite sex positions + explained

yunho, jongho: reverse cowgirl - ok hear me out, imagine yunho guiding the movements of your ass with his huge hand as you bounce on his dick while you look back over your shoulders to watch his expressions. he thinks its so hot to watch you performing on top of him that you almost can see the sparkles on his eyes. he usually let you ride him like this when he knows you had a long ass day at work or college or both and you need to take the stress out of you, so he offers his dick for you to do whatever you want because he just wanna make you feel good. on the other side… jongho also LOVES this position since he can watch your curves. his favorite body part on you is your thighs and the tattoos on it so every time he has the chance to see them bouncing on his cock he’ll take it. he’ll just relax his head on his hands and bite his lips while enjoying his girl. and you also love his thick thighs so you two are even. phew… he’s so fucking hot.

yeosang, mingi: you on top - yeosang loves leaving love bites on your neck and squeezing your waist while you ride him. out of all the girls he has dated in his life you’re definitely the only one who knows how to ride him RIGHT. because let’s be honest, my man’s got a big dick and you can take 100% of him and that’s one of the numerous reasons he fell in love with you at the first place. you kinda got the sauce. he also loves to feel your sweet vanilla cherry scent, he thinks is very sexy, so be careful because sometimes he can get drunk of you! he just place his face in the crook of your neck as you ride him and closes his eyes and stays there guiding your hips, like yunho, but in this case by the waist. okay and mingi… well, mingi is something else. he completely loves sucking on your nipples when you’re on top of him, hands on your ass spanking every now and then to remind you he’s the only one in the world who can bottom you out like that. he kinda asserts some dominance without even noticing and you can’t help it but call out his name every time you go up and down his dick. also, has a huge size kink.

san: BACKSHOTS - 6 words. on the way by jhené aiko. this song is SO choi san coded, every time i hear that “booty clapping from the backshots while we watch porn on the laptop” verse san’s the first person that comes to my mind. we all know he loves a big thick curvy ass that he can spank whenever he pleases. also “inhale the smoke while you stroke inside it” makes me literally malfunction since my biggest guilty pleasure is san getting high and passing the blunt to you while he breaks your back. if i could dedicate one song to one man it would be on the way to san because oh my god i could spend hours talking about this topic but imma stop before i pass out.

seonghwa: face off - we all know seonghwa’s the romantic type… but also the freak type. he likes it when you two are seated at the end of the bed or on the couch or even on the kitchen chair and have you like this, on top of him, facing him. as i said, when you’re fucking in the kitchen, for example, he usually put his elbow on the table behind him and expect you to ride his dick but sometimes it can get a little bit hard for you to keep a steady pace in this position so he loses his patience and quickly switch positions. you’re now laying on the kitchen counter. we also know he’s a worshipper, so he’ll make you feel so loved in his arms even tho he’s fucking the soul out of you. well, love and affection is something you’ll always receive when it comes to having a relationship with seonghwa whether is fwb, a date, a one night stand or a marriage… but he’ll also fuck you HARD and when i say hard i MEAN IT because we’re talking about a fucking aries here and as an aries myself i know exactly what goes on on his mind when it comes to sex.

hongjoong: missionary - still talking about zodiac signs, for those who don’t know, hongjoong’s a scorpio and girl let me tell you about scorpios… ma’am they are another type of freak, like, they literally invented freak, to me they are sex gods. and even tho this is a common sex position doesn’t mean hongjoong will make it ordinary. he’s very possessive so he wants to make sure that you know you’re HIS and his only and he does that by pinning both of your wrists with one hand while he chokes your neck with the other. sex with him is always pleasurable, he’ll satisfy you 200% of the time, overwhelm you even. but you can’t never get enough of him. also, he likes to hear it when you say that your pussy is his for him to please and your body is his for him to touch and that you belong to him. his moto is saying that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you because he couldn’t stand the thought of somebody else touching your body. i love hongjoong so much.

wooyoung: spoon - OK… i see wooyoung fucking you in a spoon position and it can be any type, with your leg up, down, kissing your neck, grabbing your breasts, chocking you, biting your lobe teasing you, but as long as it is in a spoon position. ooooh he loves the way you bite your bottom lip and do that crying expression with your eyebrows when you tell him to slow down and he just gives you a sassy smirk and says nothing but starts fucking you ROUGHER. you can barely open your eyes to look at his hungry eyes looking back at you because it’s rolling with pleasure. all you can do is whine and not even when he cums he’ll stop, he likes overstimulating you AND him.

[sirfrogsworth]

My recovery is going at a snail's pace. As I knew it would. Sometimes it is hard to notice if I am actually making any progress.

If this were a video game, I think I just beat the first level. With an unknown number of levels left. Probably 4 or 5?

I hate being so vague about what I'm going through. But it's hard to explain. And I just do not have the energy to write much. I almost broke my brain explaining a Trump photo the other day. I need to write for my own sanity but it is so hard to push myself.

I would say the hardest thing aside from the physical symptoms and the constant fatigue is the loneliness and the boredom. I miss my parents so much. Not having people around to help me and take care of me and keep my spirits up just shines a light on how big of a hole they left in my life.

I don't have much energy to reach out to friends. I make it a point to let Katrina know how I'm doing. She's the one person in my life that doesn't take much energy to talk to. I can only finish half a sentence and she still understands me. I'm glad I have a friend like that.

But the boredom is almost as hard as feeling lonely. I don't have much concentration so paying attention to things can be difficult. I keep watching a few episodes of something and then stopping because I can't follow it. Or I will watch something too sad and I can't emotionally process the sadness. I'm going to have like 5 shows I have to finish when I feel better. I didn't even attempt to watch Arcane.

Weirdly the one thing I could follow was a 5 hour video series on Joseph Smith. It had the Mormon perspective and the historically accurate perspective. If I were to summarize... that dude sucked. He was a world class charlatan with an... interesting... imagination. He reminds me of L. Ron Hubbard with less sci fi.

And he married a bunch of 14 year olds. Which is why I laughed when he got tarred and feathered—most likely for messing around with a 14 year old.

Smith destroyed a printing press to stop people from saying he married 14 year olds. And then a mob killed him while he was in jail. And I think the painting of his execution might be funnier than him being tarred and feathered.

That's him falling out of the window.

Is it still defenestration if you are thrown out of a window due to being riddled with bullets?

I'm pretty sure this painting is the equivalent to...

*Victrola scratch* "I bet you are wondering how I got in this predicament."

If your guess does not include staring into a top hat for long periods of time, you are way off.

Wow, I wrote a lot more than I expected. Shitty religious leaders are motivating I guess. My brain is on fire now. So I guess I'll end it here.

[vmqires]

sorrow. (l.hs)

pairing. ex! hee x fem reader ❦︎ exes to lovers ; non-idol au, a bit of angst n fluff. wc. 986 synopsis. heeseung’s forced to break up w u but the two of u never move on from each other.

a/n: this took so long, i was seriously debating deleting this and quitting forever LMAO but thankfully the amazing @soadparker (aka vic) gave me some ideas n that encouraged me to finish it >< this was obviously inspired by sorrow - flyleaf, which i totally recommend to listen to while reading.

sometimes life seems to quiet into paralyzing silence.

“what do you mean? you want to break up?” your eyes start to tear up.

“y/n.. it’s just not working out anymore.” heeseung looks away, fidgeting with his hands.

“what? what happened? what went wrong?” you stare at him in disbelief. just a few days ago he was in your arms, whispering that you’re his safe place and now he wants to break up?

“nothing went wrong. i just.. i need some time, for myself.” he gets up from the couch, looking at you one last time before leaving.

truth is heeseung didn’t want to break up with you. but after a very long argument with his very strict family, they forced him to. it broke him seeing you like that.

someone so perfect, heartbroken all because his family couldn’t stand the sight of you and him together.

i’ll take this piece of you, and hope for all eternity.

his parents constantly introduced him to girls that they thought were absolutely perfect for him. every time he went on a date with one of them, they all seem to fall short compared to you.

he misses you, a lot. hoping for one day his parents will back off, also hoping you don’t find someone new, someone maybe even.. better.

after a month since he broke up with you, you went to your best friend who comforted you.. just in a different way.

“get up, let’s go to the club.” she says, looking at you crying.

“the club? seriously? i’m heartbroken and you’re suggesting the club?” your friend rolls her eyes.

“he’s just a bump in the road amongst other bumps you’ll encounter. it’s not the end of the world.” you scoff, holding your pillow tighter. “he’s not a bump, he’s a mountain i can’t cross over.”

she sucks her teeth at your dramatic response. “girl shut the fuck up.”

he knew each tear before it came.

few months pass and you feel like you’re healing. seeing a new guy and although deep down somewhere in your heart you wish he was heeseung, you settle.

“babe! ready to go?” your new boyfriend yells from the kitchen. “just a sec!” you grab your keys and phone. today’s heeseung’s birthday, your calendar app reminds you.

as your boyfriend drives, you can’t help but think about heeseung and the many birthdays the two of you spent together. one specific comes to mind.

“open your eyes.” heeseung whispers in your ear. when you do, you’re met with a fort made of blankets, pillows, your favorite snacks and a projector playing your favorite movie.

that week had been hard for you. your manager at work on your ass, fighting with your parents again, grades falling behind, all you wanted to do was lay in his arms and the best of all, he knew that.

he knew you like no other. you tear up, and heeseung wipes it away as he cups your face.

“i know you had a hard week and i just want you to relax for your birthday so, i completed a few homework assignments and i called your parents.” you immediately pull him into a hug, a much needed hug.

just like the one you need right now. instead of heeseung, the wind wipes your tear away and your new boyfriend glances at you as he drives.

“everything okay?” you lift your head, giving him a weak smile.

“yeah everything’s fine.” he nods and smiles at you too.

if it were heeseung he would’ve already pulled over and pulled you onto his lap to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

and we kiss each other one more time.

heeseung was drowning. he needed an out and now. he wanted to text you, to see you again. god his heart ached every time he thought about you.

how the two of you would have fights but would never go to sleep angry at each other, how much he fell for you everyday, how you would snuggle closer to him.

the thoughts become overbearing and soon enough, he chooses you. over his family, over everything because you are his everything. he finally leaves home without a word or a letter.

as he settles into his new place, he debates calling you.

you, on the other hand, end up breaking up with your boyfriend after realizing maybe a part of you is still in love with heeseung. (you totally are.)

the week after that breakup, you head out to the city. window shopping, walking around, just to clear your head.

heeseung just so happened to be doing the same thing. minding his own business, going about his afternoon. then he stops in his tracks, eyes widen with tears threatening to spill out.

“y/n…” he lets out in a whisper, now almost sprinting towards you. you notice him, as soon as he takes you into his embrace. your world narrows down to just to two of you, like it used to. you pull away first.

“heeseung?” he immediately tears up again.

“i’m so sorry y/n. im so sorry for leaving you.” his heart is on fire, praying you’d take him back. “please let me make it up to you. let me explain everything.”

your own eyes start to water, smiling at him. “please..” he whispers, resting his forehead against yours.

without a doubt, you wrap your arms around his neck and pressed your lips on his. the kiss is gentle, full of warmth and love. your love.

“so is that a yes?” he murmurs against your lips then you laugh softly, pulling back. “yes. it’s a yes.” you reply, knowing your heart will always and forever be his, his alone.

just like his heart is yours.

[hopepunk-humanity]

Hi???? I just found your blog???? You’re so cool??? You remind me of the movie Dead poets society????

Sometimes I need a reminder to take a break from modern culture (the heteronormativity, the way atrocities are portrayed, the way everyone’s supposed to be smug in saying that we have no hope for anything, from the world to even liking your own body) and go back to the old house (sorry, I love quoting the smiths (also side note I was told (by society and people) not to quote stuff or say I enjoy stuff if I’m not a devout fan of it (like a music artist or a tv show) but now I’m doing it??? And it’s so fun????))

I got sidetracked. What I’m trying to say is that the world can suck and that it can get better. Even feeling a bit of joy can give the world a net positive. You have reminded me of that! And when modern messaging of “love without complete permanence is a waste” or “bodies can be and are incorrect” or even “social media is reality and you can only consume” sneaks into my head I will come back here. And I will hope.

Thank you! <3

Thank you!! I have to admit I've never watched Dead Poets all the way through, but knowing the how many people think of it fondly, I'm going to take this as a huge compliment.

You make very good points about the messaging around bodies and social media. It's something I've had to keep reminding myself about lately.

Also, whoever told you not to show enjoyment over things unless you're a "devout fan" (whatever that means)...that's just a very strange thing to say.

[fantasy-relax]

Just reminding you that the are just ideas that would take a lot to be posted as a proper fic or not be posted at all because yeah, so not get your hopes up and take a bite of everything you can get.

Anyway Pervert Fem Maid x Donna is pure smut something that I suck writing.

At the start while the maid is a pervert she is not groping Donna, just a little touch that can be easily excused, the stares are unashamed but hidden enough ( maid not know that the dolls are Donna eyes are too) maid is respectful and kind in the outside while being a horny dog inside. To release her sexual tension in her free days she goes to the town for meeting with her old partners.

At least at the beginning, after Donna starts playing along she starts crossing the line of morality, maid spying Donna when she is bathing and offers her help, sniffing her panties when it is laundry days, stealing a few and masturbating with it. Her lust just grows because Donna sometimes will trick her to waste her Free day in the mansion.

Donna is intrigued at first thinking that the maid is hiding some bad intentions so she uses her dolls to spy on her, after learning exactly what maid is hiding she is so embarrassed but also really flattered and curious. She puts herself in the perfect situations where the maid can touch her or see her, her bravery growing more and more every day.

Neither is crossing the line.

Until a day she enters maid room just in the moment she is masturbating.

Maid is panicking and she is grateful that she doesn't have Donna underwear in her room this time, before Donna can say anything maid just:

I was giving myself a massage!

Maid Brain is not braining.

Donna being a little shit, said in her most innocent tone:

I don't know you could give yourself a massage down there... doesn't it feel weird?

Maid: uh n-no if you do it well

Donna: maybe i should do it too.

Maid is dead, absolutely dead.

Maid in all her monkey brain: I can do it for you

Then their first time together happens and Maid is DEAD AMD SORE BUT SO FUCKING HAPPY.

Then we have Donna outright asking maid to fuck her in ANY moment of the day.

Angie is like: Really? Right in front of my tea party?

Donna is using Maid as an improved version of her sex doll. Also she is kind of abandoning her duties.

Maid is so freaking tired and worried after a month of this, learning more of Donna kinks and sex toys, she takes another kind of approach.

The next time that Donna interrupts maid work and maid is far too tired she goes:

My lady you are so needy, don't you have work to do?

She holds Donna's hand and takes to her office.

Donna is shocked after being told that, what makes her compliant allowing the maid to move her.

It is just after feeling the maid taking away her underwear that she notices that her seat has one small dildo on it. Something that is not weird for her but she has done it since she started having sex with the maid also the toy isn't one of her inventions.

Maid: i need to clean my dear, and you need to finish your job as Lady Beneviento.

Donna is appalled but curious about the maid action she does what she is told.

She takes a seat easily as the maid was right she was needy.

One second later she jumps when the dildo vibrates but the maid holds her down.

Maid: i don't want my lady to feel bored so i will make sure she is entertained.

The Maid press another button and her bottom is moaning.

Donna is enjoying the beauty of the modern world.

Did the maid ask the Duke for a catalog of sex toys? Yes.

Did she spend all her money buying a lot of it? Yes.

Would she do it again when she has enough money? Absolutely.

Maid turns it off and donna whines, she was so close.

Maid picking a tower of paperwork and putting in front of Donna: There is so much work that you need to finish, my lady.

Donna holding the Maid arm: I would finish later now I want t-Ah

Maid smiling and caressing Donna's face: you like games my Lady, isn't it?

Donna nods moaning softly: Y-Yess

Maid: Then let's play a game, if you finish your job without coming one single time i will give you a reward.

Donna: R-re-ward?

Maid rubbing Donna clit: Yes! Good girls deserve rewards, don't you want to be a good girl?

Donna nods eagerly while her hips move fast before the Maid stops her hand and the toy.

Maid smiling: Then start working.

To avoid being milked dry or having a really embarrassing personal visit from Mother Miranda, Maid starts using Donna as a sex slave.

She already crossed so many lines what is another one?

Maid is going to experiment a lot with her new toys and Donna is her test subject.

When Donna is working she has her ass is filled with anal beads/plugs or her pussy is filled with a small/big dildo; Sometimes both are. Nipples Clamps or clits clamps/ vibrator depends on her behavior.

Some nights she is tied and used for the maid pleasure others she is tied to a fuck machine until the the morning.

Like they play a lot of games and explore a lot of kinks.

The maid believes that she had achieved her wish of corrupting her Lady with the bonus of becoming her girlfriend (and future wife)

Donna is just enjoying that all her fantasies are coming true with the bonus of having someone that never is going to leave her.

Happy ever after.

(Angie wishes she could drink)

[crownmemes]

Doctor Who (S14) Sentences

(Sentences from Doctor Who (S14, 2024). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"I am so, so glad to be alive!"

"There's no such thing as monsters - there's just creatures you haven't met yet."

"When was the last time that you had a hug?"

"Look at me; nobody grows up wrong."

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone! Don't laugh!"

"One trick, once; that's all you get with the gods."

"The power of these creatures is so vast, the whole world could slide into the pit."

"Sometimes genius is just hard work."

"Do this for me and I'll let you see my tattoo! It's not on general view, which makes it more exciting!"

"You should be nice to him - he likes you!"

"Everything's fine! Completely fine!"

"Why are you singing?"

"Tell me what you're not telling me."

"Okay, are you getting scared? Because you're just babbling now!"

"You're giving me orders now?"

"Quite frankly, your lifespan sucks!"

"We're all dead eventually. There's hardly any time that we're not dead!"

"We have telepathic dampeners, mesmeric shielding, and necklaces of silver and salt in case of witchcraft."

"It's just, sometimes I get the impression that you're not really listening - that you're drifting off, thinking of something else."

"Even in bed, it's like you're always a distance away."

"Are you saying that you actually want to fire a nuclear missile?"

"I know I probably shouldn't say this, but I look so cute!"

"Remind me, to which dishonouring are you referring?"

"I'm awfully bored of your shouting."

"If you wish to challenge me to a duel, then please - do! Then I can shoot you dead!"

"Wow! You really are wonderfully bad, aren't you?"

"Well, I thought I knew everyone at my ball, but it appears not!"

"I think the real estimation of an evening is the matches made, don't you think?"

"Brooding. Good look. Do you practice in the mirror?"

"People look to me as an arbiter of taste!"

"I think of you every waking hour, and I hate myself for it."

"I will not marry you. Not now, not ever."

"Do you never stop chattering?"

"No one walks away from a situation with one less shoe. You'd notice."

"You're a bounty hunter? That is so cool."

"Suits you, flustered. It's a good look."

"I don't see how us dancing would create a scene."

"This is the wrong time to be strong and silent and so... Attractive."

"I've decided that it's about time I cause some trouble for myself!"

"He looks like he's been dead for a hundred years."

"This feeling that you're feeling right now is doubt, and don't you feel so alive?"

"I suppose you do have a very nice face."

"You have lived for far too long."

"We fought a monster, and now I must become a monster."

"Will I ever see you again?"

[unnervinglyferal]

I am fully 23 and worrying about whether or not I am mature enough to have children. My husband wants them, but would never pressure me to have them before I was ready.

As one of the few parents I feel like I could ask this, would you recommend having kids while feeling unprepared? Is it going well for you? Is there anything I should know?

I’ve followed you since your girlfriend was pregnant the first time, so I know you have at least almost-10 months of experience.

I'm gonna say this: absolutely not. Do not have kids if you think there's anything else in the world that you'd rather want to do, or if you're not sure if you want them. I was put on mood stabilizers to get me to calm my shit down when I first got hit with the need for a baby, because I wanted to be a father so bad. We wanted both of our babies so badly that we went through with it despite of knowing we've got next to nothing to work with.

It's hard and it sucks shit sometimes, and that's the only thing that gets me going sometimes, knowing that I've never wanted any other life, that this is exactly what I want to be doing. I don't know how anyone could get through months of no real sleep and getting up night and day to do diapers and feeding and holding a child if they didn't want it. When I'm at the end of my rope and one poke away from losing my shit, I remind myself that this is the life I wanted. I would rather be dead than living this exact life. So I need to shut up, get up, and go live it, to go do my duty.

If you don't feel like it's the most important thing that you've ever wanted, don't do it. Even a baby can sense it if the person holding them would rather be doing something else.

[angelsanarchy]

Like A Pretty Boy: Gabe x Y/N Midi Series- PRT 5

Tagging: @icarus-star@kappasbbgirl@starry-eyed-wild-child@luzclarita57@bonesgirl11 @444rockstargf blondiezluvbrowniezpretty-girl-bloggfallin444niyaliquidsmoothdomme@rootin-tootin-pootinethical-cain-vinnell3viathan-sin666crowfullofwoe@8klil@spoilingthemilk @romanroyapoligist anakinskywalkerssgfzoloftsh4wtywomenloverlmaoberrymeringuepostselvira-aarseth @agornotsworld

Gabe gives Y/n the space he knows he needs. He stands in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. In his head, he's tearing himself apart for being such a coward in a relationship he is so secure in. There are a million things going on in the world and the one thing in his life that he is 100% sure on is that he wants his life with Y/n.

There is no option for him to be without him and yet everything he does makes Y/n feel the opposite.

There's a soft knock before the door opens and Y/n enters.

"I don't mean to interrupt your thinking session but I need to shower before bed...do you care?" Y/n asked already putting a towel into the shower stall and turning the water on. Gabe shakes his head and Y/n starts taking his clothes off. He pulls hit shirt over his head and tosses it in the hamper when he notices bloody tissue in the bin. He turns and looks him over and sees the band aid on his thumb.

"You've been picking..." Y/n touched the top of his hand and Gabe shakes his head.

"It's fine." Gabe mumbles.

"Hey...look at me." Y/n put his hand on Gabe's chest.

"I'm not ashamed of you...I'm ashamed of myself." Gabe blurted.

"I feel like such a fucking fraud. I am so passionate about marginalized communities and giving back and yet I hide behind this wall of fear, and for what? I barely speak to my parents. My sister already hates me for being the slightest bit progressive." Gabe continued to rant and Y/n listened.

"You deserve better than me and I know you know that." Gabe let Y/n pull his shirt over his head.

"Why are you torturing yourself right now? We have this same argument every few months. It passes and we continue with our lives." Y/n reminded undoing the button of Gabe's jeans and sliding them off with his boxer briefs.

"Because I'm tired of putting you through it. I'm tired of being an asshole that you put up with." Gabe kept his hair pulled back as Y/n pulled him towards the shower.

"Hey...stop all of this okay? Sometimes I get grumpy and you put up with it. I wouldn't have stayed this long if I truly had a huge issue with it." Y/n put his arms around Gabe's neck, feeling his hands rest on his hips.

"Someday I want that freedom for you. I want you to feel safe in it though. I want you to feel loved despite it. I would never rush you into it." Y/n watched his shoulders relax into the hot water of the shower. Gabe pulled his body to rest flush against his own.

"I'm already free...when I'm with you." Gabe kissed the spot just below his ear and Y/n let his eyes slip closed. No one knew his body like Gabe. He had been with him before his transition really gave him the results he wanted and he knows that helped his body dysphoria immensely. Years after his transition, there was no one he trusted with himself like Gabe.

He felt his hands grip the meat of his ass in his hands tightly, rubbing his cock against his own.

"I know baby. I know." Y/n kept his arms around his neck, grinding his cock into Gabe's until they were both painfully hard.

"There's no one I want more than you." Gabe groaned into his mouth as they kissed. Y/n moaned feeling his index finger enter him. Gabe let his tongue dip into his mouth to taste him

"I know, I love you baby. I love you so much." Y/n let his head fall back against the shower stall and Gabe starts trailing his mouth down his chest, licking around his nipple, letting his free hand rest in the patch of hair on his sternum.

Gabe eventually gets to his knees and takes his cock into his mouth, sucking and humming against the throbbing flesh. Y/n's hands grip the back of his head, shoving his crotch into his face, wanting to feel so much more of him.

"Oh fuck...Gabe..." Y/n whines feeling over-stimulation on the horizon from Gabe's mouth around him, his long fingers inside of him and keeping a slow but deep thrust. Y/n cums gripping the back of his head tightly in his hands, yanking him back to his feet so quickly, he nearly falls over.

"I love you so fucking much." Y/n said breathlessly as he started jerking Gabe's hard cock. You wouldn't have guessed it by how he carried himself but Gabe was very vocal when it came to their sex life. Y/n felt himself getting turned on just listening to him moan and plead to cum. He made sure to get him off, feeling the shift in height as Gabe's knee's buckled and he pinned him to the shower wall.

They both held onto one another, breathing heavy and leaving soft, sweet kisses on each others wet skin.

Once they cleaned up, they got into bed and cuddled together. Just before Y/n drifted off to sleep, he could have sworn her heard Gabe tell him he loved him but right now, it could also have been the beginning of a very sweet dream.

[dr-spectre]

TWITTER RANT/VENT!!!

This is gonna be a rant about my personal issues with twitter and what it has done to me and my mental health. This will be a vent so if you wish to not see my ramblings then move on.

TWITTER FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THIS STUPID WEBSITE/APP SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL I WANNA DO IS LOOK AT SOME OLD TWEETS ON AN ACCOUNT BECAUSE I REMEMBERED SOMETHING AND SAW A FUNNY CROPPED SCREENSHOT ON MY GALLEY IN MARCH! BUT I CAN'T FUCKING FIND IT BECAUSE WHEN I TRY AND SCROLL "oh no something went wrong dumbass! try reloading mother fucker!"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRY AGAIN!?!? I DID THAT 3 TIMES ALREADY ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!

So i go, okay fine I'll just use the mobile app version to find what I'm looking for right!? WRONG! THERE'S A HARD CODED LIMIT ON HOW MANY TWEETS YOU CAN SEE ON AN ACCOUNT ON MOBILE!!!!!!!

WHYYY?!?!?!? I THINK IT EVEN APPLIES ON DESKTOP TOO!!!

I am so angry man, this website has actually ruined my mental health and it's impacts are still felt till this day. No other social media website has caused me this much anxiety and pain. Why do i become so fixated on finding this thing? Why do i become so angry? Restless? Aggressive? Anxious.... My chest gets pain and it's just... i want it to STOP!!!!!!!!!!! I want my brain to stop reminding me of old tweets and trying to find those old tweets.... It's this painful cycle and it's giving me SO MUCH ANGER AND RESTLESSNESS! Sometimes my head friggen hurts and i groan in pain, it's like something in my brain activates and forces me to act. The only way for this restlessness to stop is either to find the thing, or just burn myself out with trying to find it to where i just give up.

I have quit twitter pretty much but i will quickly look at stuff for like a couple of minutes in some days. But not often anymore thankfully because it fucked with my brain. It has permanently done something to my mind and i just want this anxiety to stop. Social media is actually evil bro, it can seriously mess with your brain chemistry and i don't wanna put the anxiety and anger i feel onto my worse enemies. It feels like torture to me.

I think i need a hug or something. Like a LONGGGGG hug.

i can't believe I'm going this insane over TWITTER! FUCKING TWITTER! GAHHHH!!!!!! I HATE WHAT THIS WORLD HAS BECOME!

[iknowshocker]

Do you believe kai is redeemable?

hi anon!

the short answer, in case it's all you'd like is: yes, 100%.

i either agree with or understand all of his choices, even the ones that suck. so in a lot of ways, to me, he never needed redemption.

the long answer, if you'd like to know why:

first i think i have to explain my general thoughts on kai as a whole, because some of my personal headcannons differ from others in the fandom.

i've never, not from the moment he showed up a feral little gremlin munching pork rinds in the prison world, considered him to be evil.

Kai lies/disregards things and masks 90% of the time, and yet he's always super open about what was done to him growing up. "they called me ____", "i remember them doing ____", etc. it would be super easy to paint his childhood any way he liked, and yet he doesn't. he knows what happened to him was wrong, and he's going to remind you every chance he gets.

i think he developed sociopathy as a coping mechanism after years of abuse and isolation. i headcannon that they were a homeschool family, which just furthers his lack of social interaction. if he was allowed/forced to help at all, it was doing the manual labor chores while Jo was the one handling anything that involved physical touch.

as an older sibling myself, him being the oldest boy specifically and the complexities around his feelings of wanting to protect them/being jealous/getting robbed of his birthright haunt me.

if you want to get into my true roman empire (those freaking christmas sweater photos) then i don't think he outright hated any of them growing up. sure, they were annoying and loud and sometimes sticky, but they were still his siblings. those feelings of resentment obviously grew stronger the sicker he became, but like, he never hurt anyone until he realized he was being lied to.

so i view the initial murders as a mental break, and i doubt he was in full control of himself at the time. if it was planned out, why didn't he drain someone's magic? killing them the human way is yes, a lot more personal, but it just doesn't make sense to me given his drive for magic based power. you'd think he'd want to go into the merge charged up, you know?

speaking of the og merge: did they expect him to just ... not ask about it and be cool with getting told no? like the fact that no one foresaw him lashing out so violently only proves to me that he wasn't *that* scary growing up. joshua probably had the ascendent prepped and ready to go, and he was just waiting for an outburst bad enough to use it. shame it took that, my guy. i feel we could have handled this whole thing a bit better.

i think kai was probably obsessively dedicated to his magical training leading up to 1994. i take "been practicing my whole life" very seriously, lol. he wanted to prove that he could do it, and prove the coven wrong for doubting him. i imagine him hoarding objects to drain and being super freaking annoyed that even Jo stops letting him borrow what he needs to just do basic work. we find out later that Valerie wore a necklace she could siphon from when she needed magic, and you're telling me no one thought of that in modern day?? enchant the beeper, for gods sake.

despite all that, he ended up being the strongest witch in TVD next to bonnie, and that was with him being mostly self taught. he's stupid good at voiceless magic, which i've always taken to mean he's a very instinctual wielder. he doesn't need the verbal spells, he's strong enough to just will the magic into listening.

"i had a soft spot for one of my sisters" and the repeated use of "sissy" for jo, make me wish we knew more about them as kids and how she let herself be turned against him. they have so much in common and such an obvious twin connection that lasts until the very last moment when he stabs himself and chooses to bleed out right beside her on the floor of the ruined church. Jo (and Bonnie) are the only people that seems to be able to get through to pre-merge kai. then post-merge kai is laser focused on making things up to them. i wish we saw more of him realizing he suddenly had a full range of emotion and what that did to him.

that sweet spot of post merge/pre 1903 prison world is the closest we come to kai's actual personality (imo). he's so shockingly, desperately earnest, while still being darkly funny and a little too aggressive. it's my favorite version of him.

those scenes show us the side of him that so obviously wants to be needed, even if it means hurting himself to be helpful. yes, luke is the reason why the emotions manifest, but luke is also not down for self sacrificing (ironic as hell, given his choice to merge). luke routinely tells the mfg to get fucked, so to say that he's the one making kai risk his life/the coven to help bonnie is just untrue. i think kai is trying to earn a spot in the group, and if they'd given him one, he would have been insanely useful.

like i said i think he masks 90% of the time, and the confidence that he shows is often hiding a huge insecurity over feeling like he's not good/strong/smart enough. there is always going to be a part of him that is still that scared little broken witch locked alone in his room, begging to be let out. i don't know how to view him as "hot bad boy who f*cks" because that's just not how i've ever seen him. don't get me wrong, i love those fics as much as anyone, but it's just not true Kai to me.

look i know some of you are like, hey op go back to when you said you agree with his choices, so here we go:

we know that the parker kids grew up being taught "coven over family", but what does that even look like inside the house? do they love each other but feel conflicted about it? is there constant fighting over who is closest to their parents? is it just anarchy? no matter what you think, it's clear they're all deeply traumatized.

kai has every right to be angry over the og merge, and lashing out makes complete sense. say it with me: murder is not okay BUT what better way to show joshua he's not messing around? if he's used to acting out for attention, what happens if he breaks something that can't be put back together this time? if they've been raised to think that family doesn't matter, why would any of them even care?

it's horrible, flawed logic, but it's there.

look me in the eyes and explain to me why it's okay when Daddy tries to kill you, but when it's your brother suddenly it's this big unforgivable crime, Jo. i'll wait.

Liv makes some of the most realistic decisions in the show to me, including the fact that she sides with Kai. unlike luke, she points out how they have every right to be mad at Jo. after sending Kai away, she abandoned them to an abusive father, (not to mention moved across the country with a new name to make it harder to ever find her!!) leaving them stuck fulfilling a merge that wasn't theirs to begin with. good for you for trying to get your brother on the throne livvie-poo 👏🏼 let him make the hard choices so you can run off with tyler and live in the woods 👏🏼

the parker's also make a lot of comments about how if kai is let out, he'll go full homicidal maniac and kill everyone just for fun. and yet, every murder we see him commit is a means to an end. again, in case you missed it the first time: murder is not okay BUT they act like he's some random spree killer when he's just ?? not ??

every murder/crime he commits has a clear reason, even if a lot of them are small/petty.

the taxi driver: he couldn't pay the fee

the random college kids: he needed to get into the hospital to see Jo

the grill manager: he was hungry, the guy was in his way, and elena was unconscious over his shoulder, lol

the coven murders/stabbing Jo: he needs to hold onto power, and they've given up on him yet again. at this point, let's just burn the whole thing and start over !!

there are so many characters in TVD that actually kill without reason, feeling, or second thought. (including enzo, bon-bon, so jot that down). while i'm not diminishing how violent kai can be, i certainly don't lump him in with characters like klaus or damon.

this is a slightly unpopular opinion especially amongst people that don't ship Bonkai, but i view everything done in the prison world as mutual retaliation. bonnie and kai are fighting. i'm not excusing his behavior anymore than i'm excusing hers, but she quite literally killed him not once but twice.

once they're both out she feels endless hatred towards him as a coping mechanism to give herself something to focus on so she doesn't break, and i wish !! so badly that it was used as a way to bond them. like who better to help her navigate violent magical outbursts then mr "killed half my family in a fit of jealous rage" himself?

we could have seen them grow together, navigating standing up for themselves in healthy ways and encouraging each others strengths, but no.

ill die on the hill that if bonnie knew what kai did on her birthday we wouldn't even be having this conversation, anon. I don't think he expected anyone to actually 100% forgive him, because at the end of the day he also knows he's made some huge mistakes/poor choices. but if specifically Jo or Bonnie had said something like "i see that you are trying" i think it would have been enough for him to stay on that path.

i don't think kai likes being the bad guy, its just another means to an end. if he can't get what he wants (or what he feels he deserves) by asking, he'll take it. and yes, showing off and being scary does give him some sort of thrill - but it's also the only way he can get them to look at him.

listen you don't even understand the things i would give to see him realize the heretics were once siphons. to realize they were geminis and that it's basically a coven gene !! to finally know he's not the only witch to be born like this !!

imagine getting to hear lily tell him there's nothing wrong with him ?? that she's sorry his parents kept the truth from him ?? that he didn't deserve the childhood he had but she's happy to help him now ?? i truly don't know if i could handle it.

kai is so completely desperate to be part of a group that it ends up blinding him and making him vulnerable to attack. i guess i just don't know how to see a character like that and not believe in them.

alright, as you can see, anon, im not great at short answers and i clearly think about him too much. it doesn't help that im currently working on a book series with an MC inspired by him 🙈 the brain rot is real and i fear it may never end. hope you enjoyed this ted talk tho!! thanks for being my first ask ✨

[lunatic-pudge]

Postal Dude 1 with a Rich Reader (Requested by menethusiast900069)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Requests from my Archive account, slight NSFW at the end of the PD1 request. I could't help myself >:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Honestly, how you two got together is beyond me. How the hell is this sad wet cat man pulling a rich baddie like you? And more importantly, how do I do the same? Dude needs to tell me his secrets to getting a Sugar Mommy

-But good lord, is he getting spoiled. He'd be so overwhelmed by it at first. Being doted on and cared for by someone is something he isn't used to. He does love the affection you give him. It helps ground him. Helps remind him that even though the world is full of scum, there's at least one person worth loving

-What really shocked him is how you were so willing to spend money on him

-Like when you'd spend money to fix up his trailer. Fixing up the damage that happened from Dude's bout of anger or from other accidents. Getting him new furniture. Making his home practically look brand spanking new.

-It was a slow process though. Poor thing felt so bad that you'd spend so much on him. He didn't have money like that to throw around so he couldn't spoil you like how you'd spoil him. He'd try to beg you to save your money and how he isn't worth it. Well, those pleas fell on deaf ears. Baby doesn't realize how special he is

-Imagine buying him exclusive merch from him favorite bands, getting VIP passes to meet and greets, he'd be so happy, especially since you are doing all of these kind things for him. He just loves you so much

-He'd be willing to pay back such grand gestures with some more.. sexual favors. He'd gladly lay you down on his bed and spoil the hell out of you.

-He could eat you out for HOURS. Once he gets a taste of you, he won't be able to stop. Sucking, licking, fingering, he will end up overstimulating you but it just feels so damn good

-And they way he'd be caressing every part of you those large hands of his can reach? His touch is so gentle, almost ghostlike in nature. He treats you like you're made of glass

-Your pleasure will always come first. He could care less about himself in the moment. You're always doing so much for him. It'd be cruel of him to not return the favor in some way. Please let him do this for you. He'll feel so bad for not being able to return such kind gestures of yours <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Postal Dude 3 with an Insecure Reader (Requested by Benatar_My_Bethroed)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-You? Insecure? Not on this man's watch.

-Dude isn't someone who's insecure, far from it. He's a baddie and he knows it. And when he looks at you, all he see is perfection. So why do you feel this way about yourself? He just doesn't understand

-You'll have to bear with him. Sit him down, talk to tell. Be blunt. Be honest about everything. Don't hide anything. He likes full transparency, even if he isn't good at it sometimes

-It'll take some time for his dense ass to comprehend, but he will do whatever he can to help make you feel better

-Is always down to give you physical affection. He loves being able to hold you, and love all over you. If you're insecure about a specific part of your body, he'll make sure to pay extra attention to it. Kissing, caressing,  and loving all over said areas.

-He is alright with words. He's never been good with expressing his love for you. But that won't stop him from trying. He'd probably say something so goofy, so corny, that it would make you laugh at him

-But hey, he'd rather you be smiling and laughing, then frowning and sulking. If he needs to distract you with him being a goober, then he will. He'll do whatever he needs to so he can see you smile. He'd even kill a person for you