#sometimes i forget being one of 20 people in the world that gets to drive an f1 car and is already successful

[honeyedmiller]

Hi! I’m not sure if you’re taking requests currently but I was wondering if you do if I could get a fluffy imagine with Frankie or Pedro where the reader is in her early 20’s and Pedro is his current age and just how navigating life dating each other would go (like an average day off for the two and the adventures and mischief they would get up to 🤭🥰) thank you!!

As someone who's in their early, almost mid-twenties, this is feeding into my delusions soooo bad LMAO but this is super cute. Thanks for the request!<3

warnings: (very much legal) age gap, fluff, a teensy bit of angst

You met him coincidentally at a PR event your school was holding, and he was one of the guest speakers. You were in your senior year of college, aiming for your Bachelor's degree in Communications with a concentration in PR. The industry always fascinated you, and you were fortunate enough to be chosen to be the one to ask him questions about his agency and the point of view from the celebrity's side. After the interview, you stayed back to help clean up the remnants of the event, and that's when he came up to you and shyly asked if you'd like to join him for a cup of coffee within the next coming weeks.

Since then, every day was a new adventure for you two. Sometimes they started off the same, as you happily made a Starbucks run that was close to Pedro's cozy home in Los Angeles. Sometimes, they started with the bed already empty, as he'd gone off to do an interview or press release of some sort.

And then there were days like this one, where you woke up to his lips softly pressing themselves all over your face. You look up at your lover, a smile never failing to spread across your lips.

"Good morning, honey." He coos at you as you stretch, a few bones popping in the process.

"Good morning, handsome." Your sleepy state makes Pedro melt as you reach up to brush the slightly graying hair away from his forehead.

You'll be completely honest—dating a man that was twenty-something years older than you has been a challenge. Not particularly with Pedro, because he wasn't the challenge at all. He treated you like a princess and made sure you were comfortable in all aspects of your relationship with him.

It wasn't that, no—it was the incredibly harsh comments you've gotten from the whole world, and how many weren't kind to you— more specifically when you two finally came out of the dark to say you've been together for over a year.

It subsided over time, but you'll still get nasty glances when you two are out in public just minding your own business. It's like the world forgets that you two are consenting adults.

If it weren't for the age thing, people would constantly accuse you of being a gold digger, only pining after Pedro for his money and his most recent successes. That just wasn't the case at all, and he knew that. He'd tell you to ignore the comments because only you two truly knew what went on in your relationship.

You tried so hard to ignore it, and it would work for a little while, until your overthinking mind would come collapsing onto you full force and you'd have a breakdown about it. You would go through the breakdown alone most of the time, mainly because you didn't want to burden Pedro or make him feel bad that the world could just be so cruel sometimes.

As time went on though, you became better at ignoring it. People finally got used to the idea of their beloved internet boyfriend actually being in a real-life relationship.

"Since I have the whole day off today, I was thinking we could go get some brunch and take a drive down PCH. The weather is really nice today." Pedro smiles down at you as he cups your cheek, his eyes scanning yours as he awaits your answer.

Getting out of the house would be really nice, especially since California had been experiencing some nasty storm weather in the recent months.

"I'd like that, mi amor." You grin as you peck his lips before lazily rolling out of bed, getting ready for the day alongside Pedro.

-

Pedro almost always insisted he drove whenever you two were together. Something about being his 'passenger princess', as he called it, satisfied a part of his need to take care of you. He knew you were more than capable, but as long as you were with him, it was nothing but love. His hand rested comfortably on your thigh as the warm breeze whipped through your hair as he drove down the busy streets of LA.

He pulled up to a regular brunch spot for you two on Melrose Avenue. Paparazzi was luckily nowhere to be found, at least to the naked eye, and you were grateful. It was overwhelming sometimes with how they loved to shove cameras in both of your faces. The lack of personal space was prominent every time they were around.

He held the door open for you and you gladly thanked him, immediately getting sat by the host. It was a weekday, so it wasn't busy at all. You noticed the few people that were in the cafe staring, though, but you kept your gaze either on Pedro or the decor of the quaint building.

"So, we have the whole day together. What would you like to do after the drive?" He reaches across the table to grad your hand, his thumb softly grazing the back of yours.

"I can think of a few things." Your grin is mischievous as you wiggle your eyebrows, causing him to laugh.

"Well there's definitely always that, too." His smile meets his eyes, giving your hand a light squeeze.

Your food arrived shortly and you graciously thanked your server as you began to eat the delicious French toast with blueberries and strawberries on top. You two sometimes ate in a comfortable silence, especially if the food was delicious. Just being in the presence of each other was enough to keep you both satisfied.

When the server brought the bill and left it on the table, you snatched it before Pedro could even reach for it and set your card down. He started to protest, but you shook your head.

"You already take care of me in many ways, mi amor. I need to treat you to stuff, too." You grab his hand on the table and raise his knuckles to your lips, kissing them.

"Fine." He sighs as the server comes back to collect your payment.

"I can see the headlines now—Y/n pays for brunch at cozy spot in LA. Is she really not a gold digger?" You mimic an intense news reporter tone, hands stretching in the air to quote the article title. Pedro laughs boisterously, shaking his head as his hand covers yours.

"What fools they are, everyone knows you're just with me for my money and devilishly good looks." He rolls his eyes and scoffs, the sarcasm dripping from his tone. You two giggled like schoolchildren at your petty jokes.

It was one of your favorite things to do with each other: make fun of ridiculous accusations from the press and turn it into your own little jokes, just between you two.

The server comes back with your card and you smile up at them, leaving a generous tip before signing the receipt and getting up from your chairs.

"Your chariot awaits, m'lady." Pedro sing-songs from behind you, the smile he's kept on your face for the past few minutes never receding.

"Why thank you, my noble knight." You lean up to kiss his cheek before he ushers you out of the cafe. His hand rests on your lower back before you reach his car, and he opens the passenger door for you.

"Thank you my honey." You saw paparazzi start to show up on the street, and he glances at them before looking down at you.

"Let's give them something to talk about, hm?" He quirks his eyebrow up before using the hand that rested comfortably on your lower back to pull you flush against his body, before dipping his head down to kiss you passionately.

You couldn't help but smile into the kiss before reaching up and locking both of your hands behind the nape of his neck. You were the first one to reluctantly pull away, your lungs burning and begging for air.

He ushers you into the car with a quiet 'watch your head' as you sink into the passenger seat of his car. He comes around and settles into his own seat, driving off to the highway with a beautiful view of the ocean.

You don't exactly know how you ended up here—hell, if you were to tell yourself this would be your life now, you wouldn't have believed yourself. Dating Pedro was as easy as breathing, despite the negatives along the way.

But, the positives always outweighed the negatives, and you were so fortunate to call this loving, goofy, humble man yours.

[valyrfia]

Hello! I came to ask you to please write that essay you mentioned about how Charles is feminized in the fics, but you already beat me to it hahahah. Pero he de decir que coincido contigo en que se asigna una estructura heteronormativa a la dinámica de pareja y Charles acaba asumiendo el rol femenino, lo que se percibe como algo negativo debido en gran medida a la misoginia internalizada.

Personalmente, como ávido consumidor de fanfics, estas son caracterizaciones con las que siempre me encuentro y, francamente, me molestan. En el caso de Charles, lo describen como sumiso, ingenuo y con baja autoestima, en resúmenes con un carácter “débil”. Sinceramente no le veo nada malo si es con fines narrativos, pero el hecho de que muchos fanfics solo lo describan así o asuman que esa es su personalidad da mucho que pensar, sobre todo porque ignoran otros aspectos de La personalidad de Charles (o bueno, lo poco que sabemos sobre la personalidad de Charles, ya que no debemos olvidar que no lo conocemos y Charles solo muestra lo que quiere mostrar).

En fin, sólo decirte que valoro mucho tus reflexiones. 💕💕💕

Hi anon! I'm glad you agreed, and I agree with your points too. My issue is, and continues to be, when people can't divorce the narrative from the real person and these characterisations carry over into spaces where they shouldn't be. I'm going to expand wider than just RPF here and say the narrative around Charles' generally is sometimes a little much. Take this whole "haunted by tragedy" thing that Sky Sports was having a little too much fun with this weekend, with Damon Hill saying that the reason why Charles wasn't driving well was because he was distracted by grief? Sure, it makes for a good narrative to sell on your sports channel, but doesn't fit with the image of Charles who won Baku in F2 the weekend after his father died, and won his maiden grand prix the day after a childhood friend of his died.

It's so easy for all of us, fans to news pundits to talk about Charles battling with the circumstances of his life, whether it be those he's lost, or Ferrari being like a toxic ex he can never quite seem to leave, that it strips him of recognition of his own agency in a lot of ways. Charles has shown incredible mental strength in his life, and lest we forget, literally girlbossed his way to a legendary Ferrari contract. I got a few anons calling Charles mentally weak for not disobeying team orders in Japan, and I couldn't disagree more. This is a racing driver approaching his prime, who knew he could not defend on 20 lap newer tyres but ran an incredible race nonetheless. Charles is not a damsel in distress, he's an agent completely in control of his own destiny.

Speaking of destiny, the il predestinato nickname slaps, but I think is incredibly misleading for some people sometimes. When Charles wins a world championship, it won't be because he is 'destined' or 'fulfilling some prophecy', it will be due to his own choices, his own skill, his own talent, his own hard work. I think that Charles as a WDC is going to get hit with a VERY different narrative than the one we see now, one that acknowledges his hard work and agency in making his dream come true.

[thegreenishhues]

AAAA thank you for the tag starri I totally didnt forget to do this shhhhhhhhh

1. Who is/are your comfort characters?

All of the qsmp eggs my absolute beloveds <3333333

2. Lighter or matches?

matches ig???

3. Do you leave the window open at night?

yes whenever its nice enough out!

4. What cryptyd being do you believe in?

bigfoot (/j)

5. What color are your eyes?

Brown yippee we matching starri >:D

6. Why did you do that?

Im not sorry

7. Hair ties or scrunchies?

Hair ties :D

8. How many water bottles are in your room?

3 I think XD

9. Which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

Hot coffee although I really like both

10. Would you slaughter the rich?

I will consider it

11. Favorite extra curricular activity?

I did one called Art Around the world once upon a time and I really liked it!

12. What kind of day is it?

decent :)

13. When was the last time you ate?

oh like a few hours O.O

14. Do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

HELL YEA

15. Are you a parent? (All answers qualify)

I have a dog so yes

16. Can you drive?

I can do anything once

17. Are you farsighted or nearsighted?

Nearsighted

18. What hair products do you use?

Shampoo, conditioner, and leave in conditioner (not sure if thats what it is but sure) because it makes my hair soft

19. Imagine were at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

Yes but it will be a mess

20. Do you say soda or pop?

Soda because 'murica

21. Something you’ve kept since childhood?

My stuffed animals (same as starri)

22. What type of person are you?

Difficult to answer questions but I am definitely on the less energetic side, fairly outgoing, I do a lot of art stuff, pretty gay, a nerd in the sense of I play and watch a lot of minecraft?

23. How do you feel about chilly weather?

Yes to a point but also no because where I live it can get down to like -40 celsius sometimes and that is to cold

24. If we were on a rooftop together what would you do?

Are these questions coming from OP or the person who tagged me because it depends? I wouldn't be on a roof with you OP because you are a stranger <3

25. Perfume/body spray or lotion?

Perfume C:

26. A scenario you’ve replayed multiple times in your head?

God I don't know, my first interactions with mutuals tend to replay in my head a lot XD

27. About how many hours of sleep did you get?

8-9 yippee!!

28. Do you wear a mask

no :)

29. How do you like your shower water?

warm/hot

30. Is there dishes in your room?

yes...

31. What type of music keeps you grounded?

Most of my music is somewhere in the folk indie section :D

32. Do you have a favorite towel?

No??

33. The last adventure you’ve been on?

I went to a conference recently and far overestimated my ability to interact with humans 24/7 for 4 days XD I would call that an adventure

34. Is there a song you know every word to by heart?

Too many but also let it go from frozen one because childhood lmao

35. What’s your time zone?

not going to share that :P (some of my moots know but not just moots have access to public posts so no. <3)

36. How many times have you changed your url?

once only a few months after I made my twitch, haven't changed it since

37. Someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve know for 10+ years?

Oh god, no one really ;-; there are a few people I've technically known my whole life but I'm not close to any of them, damn I hate moving.

38. A soap bar that smells good?

Any fruit or flower scented ones :)

39. Do you use lip balm?

Not often

40. Did you have any snacks today?

I had a muffin!

41. How do you like your coffee?

typically just black because I am in a family full of bland monsters /lh

42. An app you frequent besides this god forsaken site? discord, twitch, youtube, and pinterest!

43. What’s your take on spicy food?

I love it so much AAAAAAA

44. You get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

no one probably. killing someone isnt the best way to resolve any conflict in my opinion (yes, there are exceptions)

45. Can you remember what happened yesterday?

Not much XD I played a lot of minecraft and spent the morning with friends :D

46. Favorite holiday film?

WALLEEEEEEEEEEEE

47. What was the last message you sent?

"Alright!"

48. When did you first try an alcoholic beverage?

When I was fairly young my grandma gave me some of her wine as a toast to my late grandpa I think

49. Can you skip rocks?

Sometimes

50. Can I tag you in random stuff? Absolutely!! although sometimes I will be an idiot and forget to respond for a while so my apologies

going to retag some lovelies tbw :D @lilghostlettuce @sarcastictissy @tiger-willow @theivorycoloureddonut @ssmartliineemartline @annimator @alteiriaa anyone else feel free to join!!

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

[jumazo]

Improve Your Self Esteem with These Tips

POSTED BY: HEATHER MATTHEWS

Author of Manifestation Miracle

Do you want to unlock your inner power to manifest the life you’ve been dreaming of? Don’t forget to check out the Manifestation Miracle program…

Improve Your Self Esteem with These Tips

People get confused about what self-esteem is and how to get it. Some think that having healthy self-esteem means you need to be worthy of it first. It’s a common belief that being popular or well-liked is a prerequisite to having it.

Also, people often equate good self-esteem with good physical appearance. They may even believe that in order to have it, you first need to be successful to some degree.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

When you really get down to it, healthy self-esteem is about being okay with yourself as you are, right now – no ifs, ands, or buts.

It’s about loving yourself unconditionally.

It’s about being happy with who you are TODAY – and not reserving that love when you’re 20 lbs thinner, 5 inches taller, a million dollars richer, etc.

It’s about accepting who you are – warts and all.

And it’s about being okay with where you are in life at this very moment. Healthy self-esteem is celebrating your strengths and acknowledging your weaknesses.

Of course, not everyone is in a place where they can accept themselves 100%.

Sadly, some people might even take a lifetime to start being okay with who they are.

Even if you’re not completely happy with yourself right now, it doesn’t mean you should stop trying.

And more importantly, you owe it to yourself to be happy with who you are no matter what.

You’re not helping anyone by wallowing in self-pity or having a low opinion of yourself.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on.” – Maxwell Maltz

Don’t worry though, healthy self-esteem is something you can develop. With practice, you can easily improve the way you see yourself and live a better life as a result.

Here are some tips to help you do just that:

1. Focus on the Good

Sometimes, we can get bogged down by the things that are wrong in our lives.

It’s easy to get preoccupied with the negative aspects. And this can distract you from the good things you’ve got going.

Body image, for example, is one of the most common reasons people give when they’re asked why they have low self-esteem.

A lot of people subscribe to the belief that we have to look a certain way in order to be deemed attractive or worthy. This way of thinking is so ingrained in us that we don’t realize we’re already awesome the way we are NOW.

We worry because we don’t have the things we think we’re supposed to have. We also worry that we don’t fit into someone else’s idea of who we should be.

And because of that, we forget to appreciate the goodness that’s already inside us and the blessings that we take for granted.

“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” – Rita Schiano

Every time you feel like crap or think you’re not worthy, try to reverse your way of thinking.

Instead of ruminating over something you can’t change (i.e. yourself or your circumstances), focus instead on the wonderful things you already enjoy in your life.

Think about the qualities that make you the amazing, dynamic and unique person that people know and love.

You have so much to offer the world. There is so much beauty in you that you shouldn’t overlook.

2. Stop Being Your Worst Critic

Cut yourself some slack. I mean it!

Be your best supporter and stop letting that inner voice of doubt and fear dominate your life.

It’s good to be aware of your mistakes and strive to improve yourself, but DON’T be too harsh about it either.

“Beating yourself up about a mistake you made is only going to make you more inclined to do it again. Just accept that it happened and move on.” – Ryan O’Connell

When our self-esteem gets low, our knee-jerk response is to criticize ourselves for having low self-esteem. It’s behavior that’s counterproductive and illogical, but we do it anyway.

So when we lash out at ourselves for not feeling 100%, this, in turn, makes us feel worse.

It’s a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle that will go on and on until we decide to STOP FEEDING IT.

Instead of berating yourself for what you did wrong, play the role of cheerleader instead and try to learn from what happened.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” Mark Twain

Don’t criticize yourself to the point of crushing your self-esteem. Be as compassionate to yourself as you are to friends or loved ones.

Lift yourself up. Your inner cheerleader should say, “It’s okay, you can do better next time” or “You may feel terrible right now, but it’s not as bad as it seems.”

Or you could say something like, “Is it really the end of the world, or does it just feel that way? Will you feel the same tomorrow? A week from now? Next month?”

Mistakes come and go, but its lessons stay with you forever. Use that knowledge to pick yourself up and do better the next time around.

3. Know Your Own Self-Worth

Only you can say what your true value is. While other people’s constructive input and criticism (with emphasis on ‘constructive’) are helpful in keeping you grounded, it’s ultimately up to YOU to decide what you’re really worth.

Once you realize your self-worth, you’ll develop an authentic, rock-solid and unshakable core – and no one can take that away from you.

The negativity will roll off you like water on feathers and you’ll shine as bright as you want to.

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen.” – Stacey Charter

Remind yourself of your worth every day. Affirmations and positive thinking can help with this.

Remember, your self-worth and self-esteem should never be attached to someone else’s opinion. Don’t let anyone have that power over you.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”- Eleanor Roosevelt

Speaking of Affirmations and the Power of Positive Thinking…

Make sure that you join my flagship ‘Manifestation Miracle‘ program if you haven’t already.

Not only will you learn to love yourself and boost your self-esteem, you’ll also unlock your inner power to manifest the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Wealth, prosperity, love and happiness are easily achievable – it only takes a simple shift in your thinking to have it ALL.

[45dazedandconfused]

Homeless Part two

I was still in shock the rest of the week and drove myself insane trying to figure out how in the hell I had nothing but my carhouse, me, and my dog to worry about and still had the same amount of bills I did when I wasn't on the streets. I was still making a car payment and I tried to keep that between $200/$300 a month, car insurance after all the bullshit tickets, $187 a month. (for the record the ovi's still make me sick to my stomach, I deserved the punishment for them. Well most of it.)  Cell phone $70 and that was after switching to cheap ass metro. Website for business $70, business insurance $40, gas at least $400 and that is me driving with the gaslight on and praying I don't run out. Food well there was no place to store  food so I was spending $20 a day at convenience stores, because when you don't have a home you also have limited places to keep groceries. I have a small cooler for the car to keep drinks in. Mainly bottled water that gets refilled. Peanut butter and jelly is what keeps me going. I have soy or almond milk and cereal. Never any real food. Hotdogs and smoke sausage are a treat. So just this small list of the cost of being homeless. It's around 1500 a month and I don't ever have a place to take a shit!!!!  All of the things listed if you noticed didn't include tampons, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, dog food, or any other little thing you don't think about always having ready at your fingertips. Qtips, god I miss always having them. I forget to buy them everytime I go to the store and  when I do remember I don't have the extra money to spend on them. It really is the smallest stuff sometimes that makes you feel like a real human.

Speaking of humans, you all know that what we put in the body comes back out in some form.  Have you ever been away from home and had to take a shit? Where did you go? Now think about being around your town having to shit, no money to buy anything at any store or restaurant, and most gas stations locally don't have bathrooms.  Fast food places are even pains in the asses about coming in only for the bathroom, but even if they aren't most of them are a good distance away when nature comes calling. I have actually had to shit on the side of the road, in a bush, barely hidden from view. Guess what? I had no toilet paper, so I slid my ass back and forth on the grass, sliding over slightly each swipe to get my ass as clean as I could. Thankfully and dreadfully it was full blown winter and the snow helped out with the cleaning process nicely. Man that was a moment I almost just quit trying. It was one of the most humiliating things I've had to do. Sad to say there have been so many more times like that over the last few months that I cringe thinking about. I have done things in the last few months I never dreamed of having to do, but this far in it doesn't bother me as much as it did at first. 

Something that does bother me though is, people don't care. They really don't give a rats ass about their neighbors, or the person they see walking down the street with that packed full backpack, and a worn out tired look on their faces. They will walk or drive right by you and not take a second glance. It makes me sad to think this is the world I grew up in. I must be an alien, not really human, because  I have never been able to just drive by someone I can see clearly needs help and not stop. I have always went out of my way to offer food, shelter, or a ride to it, clothes, money, etc. My dream has been most of my life to open a community center type place, with the exception that the government isn't allowed to interfere. It will be my Treehouse of Creations. The doors will never be locked and everyone I don't care what your story is would be welcome. Unless you hurt children or animals and then I'll kick your ass while throwing you out the door! My own community of misfits that just need a big mommas porch to come home to. As you read this think about all the people you have in your life and the love you feel and share with them. Then try if you can to imagine waking up everyday in your car, or under the bridge, behind a dumpster, or hiding in a park shelter. Imagine not talking to one other human all day, and then that carry into 4 days in a row. All the time you are awake is trying to figure out where you will sleep and eat for the day. Wondering if you will get a shower or be able to just sit down and rest for a min after the long day of work. My Treehouse will be all that and so much more. Teenagers or kids that are having a bad time at home, come hang out and paint, write, play music. Shit break something if need be. But come to the Treehouse and know that you will be loved and accepted. Respected, and listened too. I just want to make sure I do my part to never make another creature feel as unloved and unwanted as I feel today and everyday for the last 8 months. I don't want anyone to be afraid they are going to freeze to death, Or get raped or murdered because it's not always safe in the dark. I want people to have a place to relax on a chair or bed or couch and just feel normal. Take a shower without shower shoes on, or for the love of all that is holy, have somewhere to take a shit!! 

I want to help the addicts find peace, and a skill that makes them happy. So they can use that to replace the drug that is killing them. I want to offer a studio for artists, a music room for musicians, computers and books for writers, daycare for single moms, and so much more. I guess I want a community of people who just love, accept, and cherish the people around them. Helping each other hone in and perfect our talents and skill sets. Then in turn each person learn new skills from each other. The Treehouse of Creations I picture is a place where, when we say come home and put your feet up. That's exactly what we mean. You are family here and always welcomed. 

Well there I go spiraling with my thoughts. It's hard sometimes being me, I exhaust myself trying to just keep my mind on task, or getting my brain to just shut the hell up!  Signing out for now, still homeless on a budget

[goldthroughthefire]

God Has The Wheel

    Happy Saturday everyone! We made it through another week! Woo-hoo! How has everyone's week been? Hoping well! Even if it wasn't the best, God is still in control, so we always have something to be thankful for! Isn't it weird though that we sometimes forget that He's in control? Sometimes we try to take the steering wheel and drive through life ourselves. Even if we don't really recognize it. We try to fix things by ourselves when things get a little crazy. I know I do and sometimes often! I have trouble with kidney stones, so I have been trying to figure out how to prevent them or at least not have them as often. If you have ever had kidney stones before, you'll know why! They hurt like the dickens! LOL My friend, who is also a nurse, found out that Nettle tea might help, so I started taking it last week. We didn't do a lot of research at first though. We did a little, but I felt like I needed to do more. Mostly because I wanted to make sure I was doing everything right and it would be ok for me, which is a good thing. After awhile though, I started being consumed with it. I started worrying about what if someone didn't give me the amount I wanted, how I was going to pay for it or if it would really work. I even researched different companies that made Nettle tea to make sure it was legit, which is good because I don't want anything unhealthy, but not if researching is all I'm doing. I would hear myself bringing it up every day, sometimes multiple times. One day though, while I was researching, I realized deep down, I was taking the focus off God and doing everything myself. He was reminding me that He was in control and that I was trying to take the wheel. I didn't even realize it at first, but when I heard God's voice, I'm thinking He's right! Which, He always is of course! LOL From then on, I just stopped worrying and trying to take control. If I don't get the amount I want, no big deal. If I'm supposed to take it, God will provide for it. And ultimately, God is the source for healing, so if He wants to use the tea as a resource, He will! I just need to back up a little and let God do His job! My point is, anyone can try to do things on their own, but is that really a good idea? Especially when our loving Father is the One in control! He's been doing this for a long time, so I'm pretty sure He knows what He's doing! Make that, I know His knows what He's doing! Job 12:10 says, "In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." All we have to do is trust God! Which, I admit, it can be hard sometimes! Especially if you feel like your world is crumbling down around you or something isn't going your way! You want to take things into your own hands and take action! You just want to help God out a little. That's what Moses did. After God brought the Israelites out of Egypt with Moses leading them, they wandered in the desert for 40 years because they didn't trust God. One day, the Israelites were complaining that they didn't have water and were thirsty. They started arguing with Moses saying that he should have left them in Egypt. At least they had food and water there. Moses went into the tent of meeting with his brother, Aaron, to ask God what to do. God told Moses to take his staff and speak to the rock. Water would then come out of it. Moses and Aaron went out of the tent of meeting to gather the people, but Moses didn't listen to God. When the Israelites were gathered together, Moses became upset and struck the rock instead of speaking to it. Water came gushing out, but Moses didn't trust God enough in the moment. He took his eyes off God and took matters into his own hands. Since Moses didn't trust God enough and didn't obey Him, he never entered the Promised Land. You can read this story in Numbers 20:1-13. Even the Heroes of Faith sometimes tried to take control and didn't fully trust God always. He knows what we need though and is fully aware of everything that is going on. He has you in the palm of His hands. We don't have to worry about anything. If it's in His will, nothing can stop it! Just turn your attention to Him and trust that He will work all things together for your good! Even if we have a schedule set, but you feel like God might be wanting you to do something else, listen to Him! You might have a plan, but sometimes God will lead you in a different direction! Maybe you prepared a speech to give and it was time to go on. All of a sudden though, you feel like you're supposed to say something else. That's the Holy Spirit telling you to change course. Don't be stubborn and say you already planned everything because you're not in control! God is! He knows what's best! Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." We can't put God in a box! We try to sometimes, but all of a sudden, He's over there doing something else. That's because we're not in control and we're certainly not in control of God! We have free will of course and can do our own thing, but we don't always know what's best for us. We think we do, but we really don't. I've been there way too many times. LOL That's why we need to trust God and lean on Him. Like a loving Father, He knows what we need and when we need it! He'll help us and move mountains when it feels like all is lost! Psalm 46:10 says, "He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  When life gets hard or when you want to do things on your own, take a step back and turn your eyes to the One who created the universe. It says in Luke 12:7 that God numbered all the hairs on your head, so surely He knows what's best for us and what we need. Ask for His will to be done, obey whatever He calls you to do and trust that He knows what He's doing! God is in control and always will be! Well, I'm out for now friends! Remember to praise God always! Until next time!

Lauren

[monte-charlo]

okok im back with the chareer (charles career) astrology report which.. the results are tenuous at best ! Firstly, fundamentally Charles is already highly successful in his career - he’s highly paid, high profile, one of 20 who have made it to f1 in this current iteration. He has achieved his childhood dream - he drives for Ferrari. Therefore yes many of his placements imply good fortune or career success bc in spite of flopped wdc campaigns he IS successful and lucky esp when at times it looked like he was going to have to give up on the dream of f1 altogether. so it's hard to 'predict' future success when his lucky aspects have.. already gained him career success! but i'll add what I have..

Charles has MC in leo, implying lots of energy placed into career, curating a public image, and wanting others to see you as talented and accomplished. MC in leo would imply a higher level of reception to one's talents than the average persons - perfectly in line with a celeb. with leo mc, career tends to be the primary reason for which the individual is 'known'. Whilst those with mc in leo want their achievements to be placed centre stage, they tend to be private and less willing to publicly share their private life. (although, interestingly, mc is a sun-ruled placement, and Charles' sun in the 12th implies a level of invisibility! need for introversion and gains strength from time alone). anyway back to midheaven: leo mc implies high ambition and drive - needs to be the best, motivation to succeed.

(famous leo mcs include lana del rey, dua lipa, and um. vladamir putin. just for fun. oh and freud apparently)

furthermore, Charles' midheaven is sextile to sun. This aspect implies strong sense of career drive and direction from a very young age. talent will be apparent from a very young age, drawing sponsors etc who want to support said professional development. this aspect implies high levels of career success, once again implies a level of fame. Sun sextile mc means the individual will gain high levels of respect from all those you work with. saturn trine mc: strong career drive, goal-oriented from an early age. may take a few extra years to get there than others, but the methodological approach and pure determination will see goals being achieved. once at the top of the ladder, those with saturn trine mc will not descend until it is their decision to do so. perfectionism, reliability, and confidence associated with this aspect as well as popularity.

next up, jupiter ! jupiter can represent luck and abundance. Charles has jupiter in the 3rd house, implying strong intellectual ability. Charles' mars sextile jupiter implies successful achievement of goals, and an enjoyment for competing in sports, funny that! mars sextile jupiter is seen as one of the LUCKIEST ASPECTS to have. leads to success, fame, accomplishment,.. winning... makes one attractive and popular with a *checks notes* ..a high sex drive?? i thought we were past this ffs... another lucky sextile jupiter aspect for charles is his saturn sextile jupiter! Further supports high attainment, success. and as i mentioned earlier, his venus sextile jupiter is also a 'lucky' placement. sextiles in general are seen as lucky and charles has a lot of them!

saturn is another planet that can impact career, however Charles has saturn in natal retrogade, meaning its impact is projected inwards rather than outwards and the impact is not so visibly seen. Charles has mars trine saturn, once again a placement suggesting achievement, success, and physical attractiveness. i googled this and found "A raw, primal sex appeal matches your well-toned and attractive appearance.". LMAO. anyway yeah another success-implying aspect! Also nothing to do with his career but his venus trine saturn is fun and cute: commitment, family values (not to a traditional extreme), distaste for one night stands (serial monogomist indeed). extroverted introversion. high probability of a workplace relationship... well........

submitting off anon, if anyone wants to ask follow ups they can find me on @6ebe or continue sending asks here idm either way! ive loved talking abt this i didnt think others would enjoy it sm!

Omg there you have it! The chareer breakdown! Wow this is so so indepth and interesting 🤩

Absolutely everyone go follow @6ebe ! They’ve given us a fantastic chastrology analysis 😘💕

[sebinwhite]

Sebastian Vettel: "Can I still do my job?"

Article link: https://www.zeit.de/2022/36/sebastian-vettel-formel-1-familie-klimaschutz/seite-3

Translation via deepl

Sebastian Vettel: You know, when I was sitting here in this motorhome waiting for you, I had to laugh for a moment.

DIE ZEIT: Because we're over an hour late? We're sorry about that. It wasn't easy to get to you here in the paddock at Spa.

Vettel: No, because I had to think of the ZEIT articles from earlier years that are lying around our house. At my place, the newspapers pile up into towers. I find it interesting to read how people, events and developments were assessed in the past. I thought that if others felt the same way, then I could preserve my farewell a little longer.

ZEIT: Are you afraid of being forgotten?

Vettel: Not at the moment. Before a race like the one here in Belgium, a day is very well planned. On a Thursday before a Grand Prix, there are press conferences, appointments with sponsors and meetings with my team. We practice the start, and in between we drivers walk the track.

ZEIT: On foot? After 15 years in Formula 1, don't you know the track in your sleep?

Vettel: On foot, of course. It's only eight kilometers. It would be fatal to believe that I don't have to prepare in the same way as I did when I was 20.

ZEIT: You are a four-time world champion, have won 53 races, and drove for Ferrari, among others. At the end of July this year, you announced the end of your career with the words: "I love this sport. It has been at the center of my life for as long as I can remember. But there is my life on the track and my life off the track. Being a race car driver has never been my only identity." Has anything already changed in your life since it was announced that the time of your final stints has come? Vettel: I feel more relaxed, yes, freer, because I carried the decision around with me for a very long time. Sometimes I thought it felt right to leave, then it felt wrong again. So it circled back and forth in my head for a long time.

ZEIT: What triggered the thought about leaving?

Vettel: Something like that happens gradually over many years. My job as a Formula 1 driver is very intense. I came to the realization that I could no longer manage 100 percent of my time the way I expected to.

ZEIT: 14th place in the current drivers' standings isn't enough for you to fall asleep satisfied?

Vettel: No. Perhaps I could become even more efficient in my planning. But for some time now two different worlds have been colliding: sporting ambition, which has always been my greatest drive, and at the same time I want to be there for the family. For the children. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to combine the two. This is noticeable in little things, when it becomes an effort to get out of the house and get on a plane. When I'm finally on the road, I forget everything and come home in the flow of the race. Then I have to get used to it again. And if the kids then also say, "Stay here, don't go!" the next time, it becomes even more difficult.

ZEIT: You could point out that one result of your work is a large garden.

Vettel: In that case, the time we spend together is worth more to me than the garden. If I could solve my problem by doing without the garden and being at home more instead, that would be great. But being a Formula 1 driver just isn't possible. Of course, the truth also includes the fact that I'm no longer driving at the front of the field.

ZEIT: It's not enough to say, now more than ever?

Vettel: No, unfortunately not. And it doesn't help to tell myself that there's nothing greater than setting up a Formula 1 race car correctly.

ZEIT: When did you start having doubts? Vettel: I became aware of it two years ago. When things weren't going well at all here at Aston Martin, I asked myself: Can I still do my job? As a professional, you don't talk about things like that; somehow it seems to be frowned upon. But what if it was? Personal weakness and thoughts about it are part of performance and success. At least for this realization, the past two years were worth their weight in gold for me. But it started when my children were born, I just didn't reflect on it that way back then. I don't mean that in a negative way, but since then a part of my life no longer belongs to me, but to my children.

ZEIT: Do you find it difficult to go beyond your limits in a profession that is dangerous?

Vettel: Yes, it does. But that doesn't mean I want to be some kind of helicopter father in the future. I don't have to look after my children every minute, and that shouldn't be my only task in life either. But as a father, I feel the drive to do everything in the sense that the children grow up to be a better version of both of us. Of my wife and of me.

ZEIT: You get old early as a Formula 1 driver.

Vettel: There's probably something to that. I didn't think about that until 2013, when everything was going perfectly. Things kept going up. The first setback came in 2014. My expectations were higher than the possibilities. The cars were different to drive, automatic components took many decisions away from the driver, I didn't like that. At that time, we had no chance against Mercedes at Red Bull. ZEIT: In 2015, you switched to Ferrari. Did things get better again there?

Vettel: Yes, the new job spurred me on. My role model was always Michael Schumacher. I thought of his world championship titles with "the Reds." The enthusiasm lasted until 2018, when I came close to success for the second time, and then the hoped-for improvement failed to materialize at the end. 2019 was sobering because our car with its chassis wasn't good enough for a strong engine. At the same time, my children were starting to grow up. That sharpened my focus on what else was happening, how much our environment was changing.

ZEIT: Every season, Formula 1 travels around the world with a huge team of engineers, mechanics and equipment. And in the process, it burns vast amounts of gasoline and kerosene, not to mention the cars in the races ...

Vettel: ... I've been able to travel to so many countries over a long period of time that you have to be very naïve not to see how dramatic the political grievances are elsewhere and how irresponsible the handling of the climate is. I'm not an expert on foreign policy or environmental issues, and I don't want to pretend that I understand everything. But recognizing that there must be something wrong with seeing more palm trees and palm oil plantations in Malaysia from year to year is no great feat. At some point, I began to feel ashamed of the fact that my work was helping to pollute the environment. And at least not being able to stop it.

ZEIT: With today's awareness, you should have stopped immediately.

Vettel: I won't be able to change this development on my own. I don't plant trees full-time, but I burn gasoline to do what I love and have fun doing it. I understand when people say: What right does he have to say that flights within Germany are bullshit?

ZEIT: How did you travel to Belgium?

Vettel: Not by plane.

ZEIT: But rather?

Vettel: With a small family bus that I drive myself. I keep the expense as low as possible. Sometimes I also travel by train.

ZEIT: That's commendable, but forgoing a private jet doesn't really inspire sympathy.

Vettel: Of course I know that. I'm not looking for sympathy, but to explain what makes me tick. Self-promotion is abhorrent to me, and unfortunately it's even more pronounced among drivers today than it used to be.

ZEIT: Do you feel too old for that, too?

Vettel: I'm happy for the others to be able to enjoy it, but I'm really glad to have grown up in a time when pictures of oneself were rather embarrassing.

ZEIT: When you announced the end of your career, you said that being a racing driver was only part of your identity. When your passion is gone, what meaning will you see in your life besides being a family man?

Vettel: I'm still much younger than the average retiree. That's probably the biggest challenge for a sportsman like me. At some point, I'll call it a day. I certainly won't be jumping from boat to boat or traveling from island to island. I want to take on responsibility in some way.

ZEIT: Will something ever be able to fill you up like the feeling of sitting in a race car?

Vettel: Well, I wish I knew. Every one of us athletes has this turning point before us - voluntarily or involuntarily. I could have gotten injured, either in or out of the car. And that would have been the end of my career. The point could have come when I was no longer good enough even for the midfield, when no one wanted me anymore. Of course, I wonder if I'll be able to cope with life afterwards or if I'll miss something. Maybe it will upset me that everything I've built up so far will crumble or burst. When I think about it and look at the post-career careers of other famous athletes, I can already see that it's a big challenge. There seems to be no guarantee of passing this test. Maybe I won't win this race, maybe I won't even finish it. I don't know.

ZEIT: Do you know how many of your colleagues among the Formula 1 drivers are really satisfied?

Vettel: Phew. We're all driven by ambition, the prospect of success. But the satisfaction outside of that is much more valuable. I think that's also a question of age. When we were 20 or 25, we all had different ideas of what it meant to be happy. Personally, I've always been more interested in the boring, the normal things. Trophies, for example, don't give me any satisfaction at all; you'd see that immediately if you visited me at home.

ZEIT: Where do you keep all your trophies?

Vettel: In a room that no one gets to see. On the walls in the living quarters are pictures of people who are good at painting, children's and family photos. But no Formula 1 pictures. ZEIT: Aren't you at all proud of what you've achieved?

Vettel: Yes, of course I am, and I'm also lucky enough to be able to afford things that I used to dream about. For me, that was always a Ferrari F40, that was my absolute dream car. I still have it and I'm not going to sell it.

ZEIT: A 480-horsepower sports car whose used purchase price starts at around 1.35 million. Is that what a Ferrari driver gets as a farewell present?

Vettel: No, I bought it beforehand. But it really is one of the very few status symbols I own. I've always liked to break out of the role of Formula 1 driver.

ZEIT: Isn't it nice to be a little privileged? After all, you've worked for it.

Vettel: How can I explain that without seeming arrogant? People often think they know me. But they don't know me, they only know a small part of me, the role I fill as a Formula 1 driver. No one knows whether I'm really an extrovert or an introvert, whether I like to do this or that. But because they think they know me, they behave toward me in a certain way that doesn't suit me as a person at all. Some apologize if they didn't recognize me right away, and then become effusively friendly. That makes me uncomfortable. I prefer the real thing.

ZEIT: Do you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a career?

Vettel: I really enjoy tinkering with wood. Who knows, maybe I'll do an apprenticeship as a carpenter. Maybe it will fulfill me so much that I'll only build chairs afterwards. Or maybe after a year I'll say it's fun to do something now and then, but it doesn't have to become my life's purpose. And I like farming, that's something that's grabbed me more and more in the past few years. There are so many approaches to farming. I wasn't aware of that before. Where does our food come from? Why? On the one hand, it's very analog, but on the other hand, it's also connected with technology, with new, modern technology.

ZEIT: Could you also imagine continuing to be involved in racing?

Vettel: Not right away, but working in motorsports, if it's the right role, is something I can well imagine. After all, there are also areas that are far removed from classic Formula 1.

ZEIT: As an ambassador for Formula E?

Vettel: No, not that. I don't want to be a greeter, and I don't want to put my face forward for a concept that I'm not convinced of. I don't see the point behind this series. The battery technology that is being pushed and developed has nothing to do with the technology that a normal car could use. It is not conducive to preserving our environment if the batteries or rechargeable batteries are not charged with renewable energy, but with fossil energy.

ZEIT: Why have you actually changed your appearance so much? You wear a beard, your hair is getting longer. Is that also a form of protest, your way of walking the Camino de Santiago?

Vettel: No, it's much simpler than that. When I was 20, I couldn't grow a beard. There was only fluff. Now the hair is already starting to get a little thinner. So I thought I'd better let it grow longer again before it starts to get less overall.

ZEIT: Would you have left if you'd had an offer from a racing team that would have given you the opportunity to sit in a car that was competing for victory once again?

Vettel: I asked myself the same question. I can't answer it for you one hundred percent because the option didn't exist. But actually, when I thought about it, I came to the same conclusion. After all the self-doubt that came up in me, it was more important for me to realize that it's okay to quit. Sure, that would be a great thing, to retire as a champion at the peak. That's what many of us try to do. Some fail at it and lose themselves.

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ��� Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ��regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[inkskinned]

i got upset in therapy today, which isn't like me. usually i am laughing through the bad things. rather than cry about it, i held up my handmade halloween costume. i'm going as a sunset.

i threw my back out again, and what they don't tell you about a slipped disc is that it kind of feels like your spine is leaking hot fluid into your body. like a car engine.

i have more plants than i can count. i've killed a lot of them in the past year living here, since we don't get the right sunlight for it. i used to live in a room that got sun through every hour of the day. i dragged a 50 pound table up two flights of stairs into my breakfast nook and then painted it by hand to look like green jade. this was during the time i should have broken up with her; because my apartment almost got broken into, and she was angry when i asked if i could crash at hers for the night.

i do my work most of the time, unless it's a longterm goal. i should really clean the rug. i have been in therapy for 2 years and am still discovering the ways i have been used like a pincushion. yuck.

i think maybe i don't have a personality and i am just trying on the shapes of people and whichever one doesn't disgust me is good enough for keeping. i can't pretend that this choice is easy; because usually i choose people that are loveable and charming. today if i am a person she has her arms at the wrong angles, and her back is thrown out. i am gonna try to make a stop at party city and put my pale hands onto expensive decorative things i will not purchase. i spent too much money on the dog they neglected.

they did neglect the dog, though. i was talking about it before kate made me almost-cry. i have been babysitting him while they cruise the ocean. he returns home on friday. my immediate reaction was but i really can't take him permanently, he hurts my back, and i don't have enough space or money -

kate held up her hand. is there a reason that you believe you're the one who has to resolve everything?

here is how i feel about myself: genuinely i believe that a grain of sand is only important in the context of a world without a beach. which is to say that i probably overwhelm my apartment's sink disposal. sometimes for fun when they raise the rent i think about pouring paint into their plumbing, but it's not worth the microplastics in the ecosystem.

i don't! is the thing. i just don't. why would i bother? it is easier to feel in love with the sunlight through leaves. it is easier to be in a museum after dark. recently i've been listening to a lot of dimension 20. recently i've been journaling, but i'm fundamentally bored by all of the secrets i've been telling.

i think the problem is linguistics. i feel a lot of things, probably, even if i feel them a little to the left. and i really do have a strong sense of myself, and honestly i don't mind her. she's nice enough. creative. tough. this is one of those questions that my neurodivergence never manages to correctly analyze. i am fine with myself, i have to be. she's, like. fine.

the problem is that when things go wrong, that girl isn't me. it isn't me in the panic attack or driving the car into the side of the truck or forgetting her meds. it isn't me being always-late to things. i am someone tolerable and kind; fun and flirty. i am funny and sweet. there is somebody i rebuke, just, like, ruining my life from a corner of my body. biblically accurate angel; i have 23 eyes staring out from inside me. the thing that i-am-not is constantly trying to fucking kill me.

the internet usually posits self-love as like, a choice to be making. but when i settle into a mug of tea, that's me taking care of the real-me, not the little demon self. when i shower for a long time or go for a walk or make a good meal: the good-me deserves this, and she receives it. she is putting up with the actual devil.

it's not like i can forgive the bad parts of me, she's not going to change her behavior. and how exactly can i come to terms with that, huh? with what poem? this isn't how i raised myself. what even is the point in making a fuss. just try to minimize the damage and eventually go and clean up.

they neglected this dog so much that i have been combing him out for 24 straight hours and have pulled 2 full trashbags of fur off him. i would never suggest shaving a double-coated dog, but his fur had impacted and i had to remove these inch-thick blankets of hair from his hindquarters. a dead bug tumbled out. he spent a summer like that, which horrifies me. no wonder he struggled with his breathing.

i guess if i am a person i'm just a solution, is the thing. like, i make my own problems, and then this is the version that solves them. like i am always apologizing for the mess. like i have to make up for the rest of it, for the issues that will arise whether or not i like it. there is no longterm solution to certain symptoms. you just have to resolve your life around it; a bitter equation of checks and balances. it's not that i don't ask for help - it's that i never recognize that help is an option. isn't it just, like, easier to do it yourself?

i had a nightmare that i drank the matted fur by accident. when i woke up, for a second, i thought i had become the dog, going home on friday. ironically the problem was that i was medically suffocating: i developed asthma in childhood after my father smoked continuously under my room.

it was a direct result of neglect.

How do you feel about yourself?

[flwrkisses]

land of the night — choi beomgyu.

this was supposed to be beomgyu's birthday post but, i of course got busy and missed his birthday. i hope you guys enjoy!

request: "hi!! could i pretty please get a fic with beomgyu where you guys are laying in bed together about to fall asleep, he has his head on your chest as usual and all of a sudden he asks if you love him? and you’re like ?? why wouldn’t i love you??"

genre: slight angst, fluff, established relationship au

inspired by: land of the night — jannabi

summary: in which beomgyu is unsure of how much you truly love him

it was late at night, beomgyu had ready showered and was ready to go to bed in less than 20 minutes of coming home from his schedules. nights were usually like this, your teddy-bear like boyfriend coming home late and hurrying to get freshened up to finally spend some time with you. it was honestly his favorite part of his day, just laying with you and being in love with every single fiber of your being. he always made sure to tell you this, how much he loved the moments spent together and how much he loved you. beomgyu never failed to vocalize and physically show his love as he never wanted you to doubt him and his intentions. tonight was one of those nights, where the male had been physically showing you love by gently leaving kisses on your arms that held him. 

your soft chuckles made the boy smile against your skin. both of you at peace, finally being with each other after such long days. sometimes you wished you showed beomgyu how much you loved him. it was always hard to say or physically show it, not that you didn't love him. god no, you loved him more than life itself, but you showed love in different ways like doing things for him and spending time with him. though you knew it was hard to read, you had no doubt beomgyu knew you loved him. that thought quickly ended when your boyfriend spoke up softly with a question you never thought he would have to ask you.

"y/n... do you love me?"

the question rang in your ear, almost haunting you with the amount of times that it echoed in your ear. you had to say something, the lack of a response would drive the poor boy mad. "why would you ask that?" you replied, still unsure of what to say. of course you loved beomgyu, you didn't know where you'd be without beomgyu and yet the question stabbed you in the chest. almost as if shaming you for not showing it more often. beomgyu sat up from his laying position, his long brown locks falling just above his big doe eyes as he tried to come up with words that wouldn't sound so terrible. "i-i don't know... you hardly say it anymore."thinking back at your relationship he was right. when you first started saying you loved eachother, you'd say it almost everyday. part of it was because of the little butterflies you'd get saying the words, knowing you felt that way for someone and they also too returned for feelings. you where young, and loved saying that you where in love but as you got older you learned there was more to love than just saying it. anyone could have said they loved you, but the word had no meaning if you didnt show it. so you thought about ways to show him that you truly loved him rather than just say it just to say it.

"i try to show it rather than say it..." you tried to explain to him. it was hard because sometimes beomgyu didn't have the same thought process as you all the time. he's explained it before to you, according to him if you love someone, you say it and don't let them forget it and if for what ever reason you don't love someone you simply don't tell them at all. there was logic to his thought process regarding love but. you knew the world wasn't always as black and white. people lie. feelings change so you try to show him rather than say it because of your own thought process. "am.. i not showing you enough love?" you asked softly, quite literally ready to spiral if he had said yes.

"you show it, i know... and i love everything you do for me... but i'd like to hear you say it more." he mumbled. it was slightly embaressing having to ask your partner to show them love more but, he hardly cared. beomgyu knew what he wanted and it was your love. you couldn't help but look at him, so much love in your eyes as yout glossed over his features. he was everything. gentle went need be, loud when he wanted to be, soft when you asked, chaotic when it benefitted him. "beomgyu i love you so much." you whispered while in thought. beomgyu knew your cues, your needs, your routines, he knew everything he needed to know and molded into it. he knew all your favorite things, had them written in a note on his phone in case he ever forgot. he was such a good partner, and he took such great care of you. it was overwhelming thinking about how good he was.

"i love that you surprise me with little things when you come back from the convince store, or when you go out and get me something that made you think of me... i love that you let me steal your food, even if you put up a fight at first. i love that you listen to me when i talk. i love that you make stressful situations less intense. i love that you let me braid or hair hair and play with it even if you think it's too much sometimes. i love how you look at me, how you touch me, how you speak to me. i love your nervous giggles and your loud goofy laugh."

to be honest, beomgyu never expected you to go on and on about how much you loved him. it touched his heart deeply. it also made him shy for the first time ever in your relationship. it was always you getting shy and flustered but finally he was the one hiding his face in your neck and grumbled. "i love you." he pouted against your neck, you knew he meant it every time he said it. "i'm sorry i doubted you." he later added. you couldn't help but chuckle and squeeze your boyfriend in your arms gently. "don't be sorry, you want to hear me say it more often and i can work on that." you admitted wanting him to feel heard.

"lets go to bed okay? i don't want you to be exhausted tomorrow." you suggested as you pat his back. all he could do is sleepily nod along still clinging tightly to you. lucky for you he was planning to sleep like this. it was warm and soft. his hold calmed you so much so thst when you finally felt your eyelids get heavy, you let out a small whisper.

"i love you beomgyu."

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Limp Noodle ~ S.H.

A/n: I have never once been good at making choices so I’ll be doing both OOF! This request is dirt old but whatever. I’m actually writing requests now look at me go!

Request: “...prompt 20 or 21 Steve Harrington x clumsy male reader” by anon

#20 (here): “I can’t do this without you”

#21: “Guess who broke their nose! Me. It’s me. I broke my nose.”

Word Count: 2000+

MASTERLIST

“Are you SURE that this is a good idea?” The words came from Y/n as Steve parked the car, waving through the windshield window at Jonatan, Nancy, Robin and a new friend, Bianca. They’d all decided on a triple date and like idiots they’d let Steve, Bianca, and Nancy decide so they were now all headed on a hike. Robin was the least athletic of all of them and hated exercise of any kind. Jonathan was the one in the group who hated being outside in the sun and much preferred being inside cuddled on the could other swaddled in bed. Y/n... well Y/n was the single most clumsy person you’ve ever met.

Now, take whatever image that popped in your head when I said that and then make it ten times worse. Then take THAT mental image and multiply by it by ten AGAIN. Y/n was worse. He was absolutely sure he was going to thrip and fall over the side of some steep hill and fully die. He would be lucky to make it out of this trip without a stick going through his eye. Y/n and the outdoors didn’t mix. They never had. He could barely walk, let alone when it was uphill and outside and humid and hard to breathe and everyone was so beautiful and distracting.

Steve didn’t agree with that analysis.

“This is a great idea actually,” Steve decided with complete confidence. “Don’t worry about it okay? You’ll be fine.”

“Incorrect,” Y/n Aries immediately. “We started dating because I tripped seven times and you caught me every single one. I tripped seven times in three days Steve - and that was just the, what, one hour a day you’re with me? In THREE HOURS I TRIPPED SEVEN TIMES!�� He was whisper yelling, getting rather heated. “I’m going to knock my head into a tree and bleed out.”

Steve laughed. He reached over, taking his boyfriend’s hands. “Do you trust me?”

Y/n’s shoulders sagged. “That is a cheap trick, Harrington.”

In response Steve only raised his eyebrows. When Y/n refused to answer, Steve sighed. “Y/n. Do you trust me?”

Closing his eyes a second, Y/n held in a sigh. When he opened them again, he managed a small smile. “Yeah. I trust you.” Steve went to get out of the car and Y/n caught his wrist. “Just promise you’re going to stay with me okay? I can’t do this without you. I’m serious.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Come on Drama King.” They both got out and made their way over to the other four.

“Hey guys!” Nancy greeted warmly. She had calmed a lot since Y/n had first met her. Darkened. But she was still pleasant enough, and Y/n tolerated her for Steve. He didn’t know why they were all friends after Nancy’s brutal ripping up Steve’s heart but... he expected it was that trauma bonding things that Steve and Robin refused to ever talk about with Y/n in the room.

“Hey bestie.” Robin winked at Y/n and he felt himself relax. Around her he always felt more comfortable. She got him on a much deeper level than Steve did. She had actually been the one to set them up after failure after failure of Steve’s attempts on girls who came to the ice cream shop they met at originally. It had gone up in flames recently, but they’d snagged a job at a movie store so they still worked together. Y/n was pretty sure neither of them would have it any other way, even if they sometimes pretended to hate each other.

“Hey loser,” Y/n joked back. Robin shoved him and he laughed, accidentally ramming into Jonathan as his feet almost came out underneath him. “Sorry,” Y/n mumbled.

Robin scoffed in amusement. “I always forget you have two backward feet.” This was something she said often, in reference to the popular statement of ‘two left feet’. One day Robin had proclaimed that Y/n was something worse than two left feet, and then being backward had kicked off as an inside joke.

“I’d you have that problem standing still, how do you think you’re going to do on a hike?” It seemed Bianca was trying to get in on the joking, but it hit a hard cord with Y/n.

He wasn’t in the mood to joke. “What can I say? Great day to die.” He put on the fakest smile ever. “Come on everyone!” Then he began to surge ahead, onto the trail, and the others scrambled to catch up.

It didn’t tale long for Nancy and Bianca to hit the head of the trail. Steve dutifully stayed by Y/n, but he watched the girls head with a sort of forlorness. Because Y/n was so slow and Jonathan and Robin lagged even behind him, the two girls in front were racing up and down the steep sides of the path they were on, jumping over logs and hopping up on stumps to make the path harder. They were laughing hard and having a great time. Y/n knew that Steve desperately wanted to join them.

What kind of a boyfriend would Y/n be to stop him? “Go on,” Y/n sighed, nudging Steve forward encouragingly.

Steve looked at Y/n with an expression that tried far too hard at innocence to succeed. It was so obvious he was full of crap that Y/n was rolling his eyes before the brunette even spoke. “What? What do you mean? I’m having a great time with my boyfriend which was the point of this whole thing. Have I bored you already?”

“No, but I’ve bored you. Go and do parkour with the bad ass chicks up there. Go on.” Steve hesitated, but when Y/n shot him a look, he finally did speed ahead to catch up and join in the unnecessary shenanigans that gave Y/n extreme anxiety just imagining himself doing. He sighed watching Nancy and Steve. He knew that things were WAY over between them, but Y/n found a little jealousy in the way they worked together so fluidly. They were perfect for each other - even as friends. She just kept up with him and challenged him in a way that Y/n never could, and Steve thrived.

Slowing down in his moment of annoyance, Robin and Jonathan caught up to him. “Welcome to the world of those who have to sit back and wonder why they’re not still dating,” Jonathan sighed. His voice was as laced with bitterness as Y/n’s thoughts were.

“They’re so complimentary,” Y/n complained.

“You could argue that you guys are the same,” Robin pointed out. “You both hate doing anything outside or away from home. You both love reading and photography. I mean Y/n’s incredible view of the world allows him to be a great writer, but it also connects you two. Writing and photography aren’t far from each other and you prod that every day. Nancy can’t slow down enough to appreciate things like Jonathan does, and we all know Steve is no reader.” She chuckled. “And we’ll never know how awkward and snappy got buff and pretty.”

Jonathan and Y/n smiled at that. “Imagine another world where Nancy and Steve stayed together. Then maybe you and me would have-“ suddenly he lost his words as he tripped, and Jonathan reached out to catch him. The two boys busted up laughing. “That’s the second I have to say both sorry and thank you for your reflexes Mr. Byers.”

“Ah anytime. That’s what friends do. Share interests and talk about alternative world where they’re dating and catch each other when they almost die.”

That made Y/n laugh harder.

Suddenly there was a very unpleasant thump and a scream. The three in the back snapped their attention to the three ahead and saw Nancy and Bianca freeze and look back at Steve, who had landed on the ground. His hands had risen to cover his face, and he slowly turned on his side, curling in on himself. It seemed like he’d misstepped at some point and tripped and fallen.

Perhaps Y/n shouldn’t have been the one they worried about on this trip...

-

When they finally got Steve to the hospital, it was a mess. There had been blood everywhere, and Y/n’s weirdly good driving had saved the day in a pinch once again. They’d gotten there quickly and in one piece without getting pulled over.

Only an hour later they were given news. Steve came out with the skin around his nose already bruised and puffy. “Guess Who broke their nose,” he mocked in a song songey voice.

“Me?” Y/n joked.

“Me!” Steve agreed, pointing at himself. “It’s me. I broke my nose.” He slung an arm over Y/n’s shoulders and the other four covered their mouths to hide laughs. People wouldn’t be forgiving in public if it got out that the two men were dating, so they were trying to be lowkey.

The Doctor came over behind Steve. “He’ll be fine. I’ve given him direction son how to ice it and even given him some pain killers to help with the next few hours. But it is just a broken nose, so nothing too severe.”

“Thanks,” Y/n told the Doctor. They left then, everyone heading home. Y/n designated himself in charge of caring for Steve, and called his parents to let them know that Steve ‘got tired’ after the hike and totally knocked out. They didn’t mind, liking that Steve was actually spending time with other kids again, so it went without too much problem.

As Y/n was tucking Steve into bed, Steve caught his hand to still him. “I love you.”

Y/n’s eyes widened. They hadn’t said that yet but... well, if hypotheticals with Jonathan had taught anything today, it was that Y/n was glad he was in this version of things, even if it was a little more complicated this way. So he meant it when he replied, “I love you too Stevie.”

Steve glared. “Not Jonathan?”

“Jon-“ Y/n’s deep confusion cleared as he realized what had been happening right when Steve had tripped. Jonathan and Y/n had been close. Laughing. Talking. Touching. “Oh my god Harrington did you break your nose because you were being a jealous idiot?”

“Maybe,” Steve grumbled, looking away.

Y/n laughed, gently tugging on his chin so their eyes met again. “Please sweetheart, you can’t get rid of me that easily. Me and my two backward feet are going to plague you for the rest of our lives.”

Steve’s eyes got very soft. “Do you really mean that?”

Getting sincere, Y/n leaned down and kissed Steve’s forehead. “Stephen Harrington, I’ve never meant anything more. I know we can’t get married or anything, or even date publicly, but... I don’t care. And maybe that’s some really forward thinking and we haven’t been dating that long, but I fell... a LOT of times in my life. It only made sense that the first time someone ever caught me, it was you. And it made me realize that I was gifted with my two backward feet so that one day I’d fall for you.”

Steve groaned. “That was painfully cheesy.”

“Okay, okay,” Y/n dismissed, rolling his eyes. The sweet moment was completely ruined.

“No seriously I would break my nose again before hearing that-“

Y/n reached over, turning the light off before climbing into bed with Steve. “Shut up Harrington, or I WILL break your nose again.”

Steve laughed before pulling Y/n close so they could fall asleep curled up with each other. “My cheesy, dumb, clumsy boy,” Steve mused quietly.

That made Y/n scoff. “If either of ya is the dumb in this relationship it’s YOU, Harrington.”

“Shut up,” Steve whispered. It was quiet a while before he finally followed up with, “I’d like that future with you too.”

To hide his smile, Y/n mumbled, “Good night Stevie.”

After a second, Steve replied, “Good night, Y/n.” And for now, that was the end of it.

[elminx]

Welcome to our first full week of March. We will have a few major transits in play all week long.

Mercury in Pisces sextile with Uranus in Taurus, Monday (fast)

Chiron conjunct North Node, 17° Aries, Tuesday (VERY slow)

Mars in Aquarius sextile Chiron/North Node in Aries/trine South Node in Libra, Wednesday (slowish))

Mercury conjunct Neptune 27° Pisces, Friday (fast)

Sun in Pisces sextile Uranus in Taurus (fastish), Mars in Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus (slowish), Saturday

New moon 20° Pisces (fast), Mercury enters Aries (fast), Sunday

I listed the speed of the transits for a reason here. Fast transits will be in play for several hours to a day, slowish transits will be in play all week, and VERY slow transits will be in play all month long. I'm going to start from slow to fast when discussing the energy of the week.

VERY SLOW

Chiron will be conjunct to our North Node within a degree all month long. This is a big deal transit. Chiron is our wounded healer asteroid and our North Node is the point of forward-facing fate/"future" fate. These two meet up about every 10-20 years and it is always an emotional reckoning.

If you come face to face the biggest pains of your life this week (and honestly, all month, and most of last month), know that you are right on time.

It may feel like a lot. It's likely even to feel like too much if you aren't the sort of person who is comfortable with shadow work and inner reflection. (that isn't meant to be a judgment, just a statement of fact)

The Chiron wound of Aries is one of individuality. Aries is sign #1, the eternal leader. Not the sometimes benevolent leader of Leo, the trail-blazing entrepreneur. If the Aries leader fails at anything, it is in forgetting to look back. Are you still being followed? Have you gone so far into the weeds that even YOU have lost your way? Aries can get so into the journey, into the exploration of it all, that they forget to check if it is good, it is right, or - quite frankly - if it is needed.

If you find yourself alone in the proverbial wilderness this week, you are right on time. Maybe this is a quest you need to take alone. Maybe you forgot about your people along the way. Only you can understand whether you like going at it alone or if you want others by your side.

1 is only the loneliest number if you are not a number 1.

When this energy meets up with the North Node, we can expect ALL leadership to come under scrutiny. This is ultimately a good thing - the gods know that we need a reckoning over some of the people in positions of control of our governments and world. It may not feel that way along the way. We can assume some things are going to get worse before they get better.

Some things need to break before they can be fixed.

This transit will be active all month long.

SLOWISH

Mars, our planet of action, will be in transit with both the North and South Node all week long and square with Uranus in Taurus.

This is a pretty bad news bears transits and it calls for some level of extreme caution throughout the week. Mars rules action and Uranus rules accidents and here they are square with one another in the fixed signs.

Some of you might remember that throughout 2021 and into 2022 Uranus in Taurus was square to Saturn in Aquarius - an aspect that was a bit like the Irresistable Force Paradox. Uranus is a cosmic "go" - not the kind you can control, more like the gravity of an avalanche bearing down on your life. Saturn is the cosmic "Stop" sign. Because Uranus is so slow-moving, it still hasn't left Taurus which means some of the residuals of this energy are still in motion.

Except Mars isn't a Stop Sign, Mars doesn't even believe in Stop signs.

This may create a feeling of out-of-controlness (who's driving car?!?) to this entire week. Stay off the road entirely if you can. Apply that both literally and figuratively as needed.

There may be no stopping it. That's the lunar nodes in play. And it's likely to hurt - that's Chiron. This week may serve as a good "first look" into the energy we will experience during Aries season (ruled by Mars) when we enter eclipse season at the end of this month.

Stay aware.

FASTISH

Our Sun is moving through Pisces. Have you packed your tissues? Expect the world to feel muddy and untenable all week long. There might not be a lot of reason to be found (Mercury also in Pisces until Sunday). The Sun makes a sextile with Uranus this week which just shows that life may feel bigger than us and a bit beyond our control.

A reminder: it's much harder to drown when you tread water.

If there's an intense undertow in your life this week, water advice applies: let the tow take you out, and don't try to fight against it. After it drops you, THEN swim to shore.

VERY FAST

Oh, dear sweet Mercury. Mercury is moving extra fast as it begins the preparations for its retrograde cycle (they will retrograde on 4/1). On Monday Mercury meets up in a sextile with Uranus which is a great day for inspiration. On Friday, Mercury conjuncts Neptune so things will be murky AF. Don't even try to talk to living, maybe talk to the spirits instead?

On Sunday, Mercury enters Aries. Mercury will remain in Aries for 10 weeks as it undergoes its retrograde there. That's a long time for our fast-moving messenger planet - for instance, they were in Pisces for 16 days. Expect all things communication to get quick and fiery for more than a hot minute.

See above about how Aries sometimes forget to see everybody else, and apply it as needed to your communications in your life.

So yeah, Mercury in Aries isn't Super Fast in terms of time, but it will FEEL super fast in terms of energy for quite some time.

A note here to those who are prone to mania: as Mercury in Aries speeds up the air, you may need to stay extra aware.

THE MOON

Our new moon at 20° Pisces is our last lunar event before eclipse season begins at the end of this month. Also, at 20° Pisces, it also occurs at the end of the astrological wheel which begins anew at 00° Aries on 3/19. We're in the end end zone and those that are sensitive among us are probably feeling it.

The new moon will make a close sextile to Uranus in Taurus and a wide conjunction with Neptune. There isn't a lot that can be done during this time. It's not a good time to set intentions for the external world but can definitely be worked to set intentions in your internal world.

This energy supports divination, dreamwork, and other types of otherworldly traveling, but little else.

Expect the weekend to be emotional, perhaps even irrational.

Energy Update: March 2024

March is a "2" Universal Month [3 (March) + 8 (2024) = 11 = 1+1 =2] in an "8" Universal Year. 2-months are associated with building connections and the beginning of a path forward. They are often also associated with breakthroughs - this is very in line with the astrology of March which is highlighted by an intense once-in-a-decade conjunction between Chiron and the North Node, and the beginning of Eclipse Season.

The Set Up

We begin the month with the Sun and Mercury in Pisces, Venus Mars and Pluto in Aquarius, Jupiter and Uranus in Taurus, and Neptune in Pisces. Note here the cluster of planets from the sign of Aquarius to the sign of Taurus (with Chiron and the North Node in the otherwise unoccupied sign of Aries in the middle of this cluster). This shows that we have a lot of work, individually and as a society, to do in the areas represented by the last two (Aquarius/Pisces) and first two (Aries/Taurus) signs in the zodiac. The times are changing (Pluto just shifted signs back at the end of January) and there may be some adjustments that need to be made.

By month's end, the Sun and Mercury will have moved on into Aries, and Venus and Mars will have moved into Pisces. Note here that both Venus and Mars are lagging behind the Sun which puts relationships somewhat in the rearview mirror.

The Nitty Gritty

All eyes are on the lunar nodes which will finish off their transit of Aries and Libra at the end of this year.

For those that need a primer, the North and South Nodes of the Moon are not physical objects in the sky but rather mathematical points in which the Sun, Moon, and Earth have the potential to line up with one another to create the solar and lunar eclipses. Both of these two points carry a certain weight to them and are best likened linguistically to the idea of "fate". The North Node is considered to be forward-facing fate, that which is yet to come, and the South Node is considered to control the fate of what has already happened. They always occur as a pair with one another, each occupying one-half of opposing signs in the horoscope wheel. As our North Node (forward-facing fate) is in Aries and our South Node (past fate) is in Libra, we are all being encouraged to think more independently (Aries) and to move away from group think and other forms of codependency (Libra).

This cycle is going to be highlighted all month long and beyond as all of our personal planets enter the sign of Aries and work toward their inevitable conjunction with our North Node. This month Mercury and Chiron will conjunct the North Node, in April the Sun and Venus will conjunct the North Node, and, in May, Mars will conjunct the North Node. This is it - the time to decide. We may be forced in the months ahead to make choices to better our own lives BEFORE the choices are made for us. If you want to be in control of your own fate, the time to act and set intentions is early in March BEFORE eclipse season. Once eclipse season has arrived, all bets are off.

As I have stated many times, the first of the month tends to set the stage for the energy of the month ahead as a whole and 3/1 does not disappoint with our Sun in Pisces sextile with Jupiter in Taurus (good vibes all around there) and Venus in Aquarius sextile to both the North Node and Chiron in Aries. Note here: the North Node and Chiron will be conjunct to one another within a degree for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF MARCH - this shows that although there is a way forward, it might be a painful one. This is pretty in line with some of the relationship ick we might have left from a very poorly aligned month in February and the general feeling that Pluto, newly in Aquarius, is bringing to the table.

If Change Before You Have To is the name of the game, we've passed into the Have To part of the playoffs.

There is definitely a way forward during this time, but you absolutely will not be able to bring all of your baggage with you.

Put that shit down, if you can.

The first weekend of March may prove volatile as both Mercury and Venus play with Uranus in Taurus through a supportive sextile for the former and a tougher square for the latter. Uranian energy can feel fairly similar to lunar nodal/eclipse energy as it tends to feel larger than life and unavoidable. It carries much of the same energy as the Tower card in the tarot or the Hagalaz rune. Keep your eyes wide open and try to practice radical acceptance of what is coming up for you in your life. Keep an eye on this energy as it is going to show up big in Taurus season two months from now.

On Monday, 3/5, we experience our exact conjunction between our Asteroid Chiron and the North Node at 16° Aries. Chiron, often known as the wounded healer, tends to represent the pain point of an old wound. In Sign #1 Aries, this wound is centered around how we have all been forced to abandon our uniqueness and individuality to fit in with the pack. The North Node is highlighting the need to be who YOU really are - not who society has told you to be, not who your parents have told you to be, not who your partner would like you to be. If you have trauma around conforming - either wanting to and not being able to or being forced to when it wasn't in your nature, this is the transit to watch out for this month. The combination of North Node and Chiron energy can be extremely healing but it's going to take some work and dedication to see through the muck to the other side. It is worth the reminder here that the secret to Chiron moments in life is to lean INTO the pain rather than away from it.

The next day, Mars in Aquarius sextiles both of these two major stress points in the skies. I think that this may open up some avenues of reconciliation between couples that may be on the outs after a rough February (romance-wise). This is a cosmic reminder to let your partner be who they really are, or leave. (Quite frankly.) With such a heavy influence on the individual over the couple (Aries North Node), there's going to be a lot of impetus to just go it alone. And that's not a bad decision right now if we're being honest.

Better alone than with somebody who keeps you small, that's a lesson of the North Node in Aries FOR SURE.

The second weekend in March is even more volatile and Uranian than the first with our Sun in Pisces sextile to Uranus in Taurus and Mars in Aquarius in direct square. This is RED FLAGS weather. Any Mars-Uranus transits are and the square is by far the worst of them. Lie low, stay out of the fire, and avoid explosives of all kinds if you can. Fate is heavily in play still and Uranus never holds its punches. It's the dark of the moon, as well, which tends to make the energy deep and murky.

Our new moon is on Sunday 3/10 at 20° Pisces and carries with it the energy of 6 and 7. It is also still sitting in the Uranian energy of the day beforehand. The unpredictability of Uranian energy and the darkness of the unconscious 12th house may be on full display here so expect some immature/shadow behaviors to rise to the surface. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. In its mature form, Piscean energy can be the most selfless of the entire horoscope - tap into that if you can. Watch out for selfishness and avoidant behavior of all kinds. Though it is a wide conjunction, this will bring some of the energy of Neptune in late Pisces into play. Great for a game of role-play, but not so great for honest discussions or accountability. This energy supports divination, dream work, and spirit communication, but little else. This is also the last major lunar event before our eclipses so the most sensitive among us will already be feeling it.

The energy will shift a bit as Mercury enters Aries and Venus enters Pisces but we'll still have the same general energies in play, so it may go unnoticed amongst the angst. We're drawing close to the Spring Equinox and the start of Aries season which will include two eclipses so the energy may seem to build every day leading up to the 19th. If you are feeling the anxiety of "something about to happen", know that you are right on time.

It's going to happen in a flash. On 3/18, Mercury enters its pre-retrograde shadow at 15° Aries. On 3/19, the Sun enters Aries, and Mercury conjuncts the North Node. On 3/20, Mercury conjuncts Chiron.

Though Chiron and the North Node no longer share the same degree, they are still in close conjunction with each other and Mercury is like the cherry on top of this powerhouse stellium. If you have a relationship that you want to save - this is the time to talk it out. But - AS STATED ABOVE - you gotta be willing to let the other person be who they need to be. And vice versa. That is the bare minimum right now.

For the rest of us, words may hurt during this time, but they might also be quite cathartic. This is a hard "Go" for all of your writers out there. What comes up now isn't going anywhere, we will have to experience these degrees of Aries multiple times during Mercury's retrograde cycle as Mercury moves back and forth between 15-27° Aries thrice. This can be a boon or a bane and some of that will likely be up to your perception (Mercury) of these events. This is wildcard energy and as we enter Aries season, the lunar nodes are ready to go.

Aries is our first sign of the zodiac and it is a moving/cardinal sign ruled by Mars, the planet of action. Expect the pace to pick up faster by the day the Sun sextiles Pluto and Venus conjuncts Saturn on 3/21, and Mars enters Pisces on 3/22. Our lunar eclipse on 3/25 at 05° Libra is a neon billboard already shining in the sky. We're in the event horizon.

To understand eclipses you must accept that you will never understand eclipses. They exist in a space that appears to exist a bit out of time and create a feeling of heightened liminality to the world. This is why many astrologers explain the energy of an eclipse as opening and closing the doors of fate. Some opportunities seem to materialize out of nowhere with eclipse energy whereas other things in your life might drift permanently away. The general rule of thumb is to trust eclipse energy as the Nodes of the Moon, in the natal chart, are supposed to show us our destiny/path.

I have found that not all eclipses create drastic change in my life, but eclipses that strongly aspect my natal chart are far more likely to. I will write more about this specific eclipse energy in its own post but it is THE transit of the month, for obvious reasons.

Note here that this is a full moon (lunar) eclipse so our moon in Libra is conjunct to the South Node in Libra and opposed to the Sun and North Node in Aries. This is a release/release eclipse energy that will highly augment any magic or rituals done to let go of things and move the fuck on.

It is time. Spring has sprung. The world is reborn anew for another growing year. April will be a "3" month. "3" is the number of creation. Let's get ready.

The Details

3/1 - Sun in Pisces sextile Jupiter in Taurus, Venus in Aquarius sextile North Node in Aries/trine South Node in Libra, Venus in Aquarius sextile Chiron in Aries 3/3 - Venus in Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus 3/4 - Mercury in Pisces sextile Uranus in Taurus 3/5 - Chiron conjunct North Node in Aries/opposed South Node in Libra 16 Aries 3/6 - Mars in Aquarius sextile North Node in Aries/trine South Node in Libra, Mars in Aquarius sextile Chiron in Aries 3/8 - Mercury conjunct Neptune 27° Pisces 3/9 - Sun in Pisces sextile Uranus in Taurus, Mars in Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus 3/10 - New moon 20° Pisces, Mercury enters Aries 3/11 - Venus enters Pisces 3/17 - Sun conjunct Neptune 27° Pisces 3/18 - Mercury enters its pre-retrograde shadow 15° Aries 3/19 - Sun enters Aries, Mercury conjunct South Node in Aries/opposed South Node in Libra 3/20 - Mercury conjunct Chiron 19° Aries 3/21 - Sun in Aries sextile Pluto in Aquarius, Venus conjunct Saturn 12° Pisces 3/22 - Mars enters Pisces 3/24 - Venus in Pisces sextile Jupiter in Taurus 3/25 - Eclipsed Full Moon 05° Libra 3/28 - Venus in Pisces sextile Uranus in Taurus

Do you like my work? You can support me on Kofi (and get access to my astrology reports early while you're at it!)

[scarletwidowaf]

Yelena Belova x reader “fake dating” to actual!!!!

Plssssss :) 🥲💛

Moral Of The Story

Yelena Belova x female reader, scarlewidow mentioned.

A/N: might be messy, might be cheesy, but I truly don't care because I live for this chaotic due.

warning: stupidity maybe

words: 2000ish- probably more. 

masterlist

You don't know how but somehow training with Yelena always ended up with you being pinned down on the training mat.

"Fuck" you cursed frustrated as she pinned you down for the 3d time in a row. Yelena laughed before she stood up and held out her hand for you to take.

"I let you win!" You said as she pulled you up.

"Sure you did" she joked.

"Seriously. I let you stomp on my dignity because I have a favor to ask!" you said back, a goofy grin playing on your lips as you passed her one of the water bottles.

"Now, that's gonna be interesting" she said as she sat on the floor, her back facing the wall. She gratefully took the bottle from your hand as she waited for you to talk.

"be my girlfriend" you said. The two of you were always comically stupid, so of course that you said that at the same moment she was taking a gulp from her bottle and of course she choked- and of course you laughed.

"I'm Sorry" the blonde glared at you.

"You're not" she responded in between coughing.

After a few moments, she finally stopped coughing and your laugh dyed out as well.

"You're right. I wasn't." You laughed again and she shoved you playfully.

"So, did you seriously just asked me to be your girlfriend?" She asked. Her lips forming her famous-troubled-maker cheeky grin.

"Well.. my fake girlfriend to be exact" you corrected yourself and she laughed again.

"You know you could've started with that, right?"

"And what's the fun in that?"

You smirked at her, knowing full well she found the random question amusing.

"So Why me, anyway..? - Wait, Let me guess.. kate and carol said no and you're scared of Wanda?"

"Okay first I'm not scared of Wanda, I'm scared of your sister.. there's a difference. And Second; my parents in town.. and I kinda told them I have a girlfriend.."

"Oh, now that's classic" Yelena, obviously, found the situation hilarious and you couldn't blame her since you found this dumb conversation amusing as well.

"Does it mean you'll do it?" You asked.

"Yeah why not" she responded you raised an eyebrow at her waiting for the catch. With Yelena, there's always a catch or at least a stupid comment.

"Yeah. I want to meet the poor souls who had to deal with your stupidity on a daily basis for the last 20 years..."

And here it is. You thought.

"I will punch you" you threaten her.

"Kinky" she smirked.

"Whatever stupid. I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8" you said as you got up from the spot next to her.

"Wear something nice"

_______________________________

The thing about Yelena is that you can never know what to expect. No matter how much time you spent with her, and it was a lot, she somehow still managed to surprise you.

This time was no different. but in her defense, this time the blame is definitely on you. You saw Yelena wear different kinds of outfits, from gear to fancy dresses, yet for some reason, you just didn't expect the other girl to wear a suit, and damn she looked good.

The gray suit fit her perfectly and her long blonde hair was down. She looked painfully beautiful and you couldn't help but stare- and she couldn't help but notice.

She wasn't doing better, on your defense. The blonde checked you out shamelessly before she sent you a smirk "How lucky I am" she joked and you rolled your eyes.

"Very lucky.. and so am i" Yelena smiled at you and held her hand out for you to take.

The ride was short and 15 minutes later you were standing outside the restaurant.

You could feel Yelena's gaze on you as you bit your lip nervously. "It will be alright" she assured you as she interviewed your hands together. "Thank you" you looked at her gratefully "Don't sweat it" she replayed with a soft smile.

That was the thing about Yelena, people always misguided her for someone she wasn't and it always made you mad. God, Of course, she was strong and fierce and brave and absolutely terrifying at times- but She was so much more than that. She was sweet and loyal and caring, and kinda funny (don't tell her) and absolutely beautiful- inside and out. One of your favorite things about her was her shy and sincere smile, which seemed reserved only for you.

"You ready?" She squeezed your hand. you took a small shaky breath before smiling back at her. "As ready as ill ever be"

The restaurant wasn't busy and it didn't take you long to catch your parents in a corner in the far back of the room. Both smiling wide as you walked towards them. Your mother's smile was contagious and you couldn't help but smile back. God, you missed them.

"We've missed you so much" your father said as he hugged you, your mother doing the same.

"I've missed you too" you confessed before tugging Yelena forwards them.

"I'm assuming that's the girlfriend," Your father said and you nodded. God, You were nervous and Yelena could sense it as she reached for your father's hand.

"Yelena." She introduced herself As they shook hands. Her grip firm and her smile dazzling. "I'm Y/D/N and this is my wife Y/M/N" he introduced himself as well.

"Glad to finally meet you. I heard a lot of great things about you" She said with a confident smile.

Both of you could tell the older man was impressed by the blonde and you couldn't help but smile.

"Were happy to finally meet you as well- although we can't say the same since pumpkin over here hasn't said much about you"

Yelena smirked at you as you blushed deeply. You knew she wouldn't let you forget about the nickname. Like, never. "Yeah, it's actually pretty new. It wasn't really planned neither" she explained.

Your mother, God bless her, wasn't the one to shook hands. The moment Yelena was free from your father's grip she found herself in the woman's warm embrace.

"Okay... I think we should start ordering" you said when Yelena was free again. Her cheeks were a bit flushed. The Russian Assassin wasn't used to be hugged and you couldn't help but smile.

The conversation was light, the wine was good and most importantly, your parents loved Yelena. which was understandable considering the fact she was annoyingly charming.

The Yelena that sat next to you with her hand on your lap was the best version the blonde could pull and you felt stupid for being worried in the first place. Yelena led the conversation with politeness, charm, and grace that you never knew she had in her- and your mom seemed impressed. Impressing your dad was even easier- Yelena didn't even have to try, all she had to do was show her intelligence and add some light humor.

After an hour of light and mostly general conversation, amazing food, many embarrassing stories of you on both sides, and 2 glasses of wine, your mom decided to take the conversation into her hands.

"So Yelena. Tell us about yourself."

Oh boy. Now that might be a problem.

"Well... I joined the avengers a few months ago" she explained "Not long after I met your daughter actually," she said simply.

"That's nice, and before that?" The older woman asked.

"I was a freelance.." Yelena gulped. Her hand squeezes yours

"As?" Your mom asked. You knew she didn't try to push Yelena into this corner, she wasn't this kind of person, but she definitely put the blonde on the spot.

"Well... I was involved with the black market and different criminal organizations. Jobs like getting undercover to dig information or well.. getting rid of powerful men in the criminal world.."

Your parent's eyes went wide. Your dad stared at her with wide eyes and your mom cleared her throat.

"I don't do it anymore" she continued. The blonde seemed as nervous as you felt.

"How did you ended up in this line of work? If I may ask?"

"Mom I don't think-" you started and Yelena smiled at you.

"No, It's fine babe.." she said before moving her attention back to your parents "Sometimes life gets you to places where you have to do bad things to survive."

Your dad's expression was unreadable and your mom seemed worried as she glanced at you.

"Yelena and I met when her sister recruited and pulled her out of this life. Yelena is a good person, despite everything she's been through. That's what I love the most about her." You said.

Yelena smiled softly and your parents exchanged looks.

"I'm a different person now" Yelena promised

"We believe you... but I can't help but worry for my daughter, as you can surely understand. What if the people you've been involved with. Try to get to you through Y\N"

Your father asked calmly. Both were taking it better than you expected and you couldn't blame them for being worried.

"Dad. I know it might come as shocking.. but I'm a big girl and I'm well aware of the risk of being involved with Yelena. I need you to trust me when I say that risks, some worse than the mafia, were a part of my life long before we met."

Yelena bit her lip to hold a smile and you interviewed your hands again.

"You're a doctor" your mom argued "I'm a field doctor. Of the avengers." you corrected her. "which means I'm more of capable of taking care of myself."

Your dad nodded softly to your mom before he smiled at you. "You're are.. Don't you?" He laughed. "Mu little pumpkin.." he sIgh and your mother smiled as well

"I just want you to understand that all we want for you is to be safe and happy. And even a blind man can see Yelena gives you that." He sent Yelena a soft smile. Yelena smiled back at him.

"Take care of my daughter.. she's a keeper" your father said firmly.

"She is. And trust me, I will" she promised.

_______________________________

"Well, that went well" you laughed when you got into the passenger seat. Yelena volunteered to drive which was a relief since you were exhausted.

After the two of you got into your seats the blonde sent you a small smile and took something out of her pocket.

"Is that? A bullet..?" You asked confused as you took the copper cylinder from her hand.

Yelena laughed softly.

"It is. It's the same bullet you stopped me from shooting at Natasha"  she confessed.

"I was in such a bad place back then and I blamed Natasha for it. If it weren't for you things would've been very different now" Yelena whispered

"Yeah, both of you were dead since you would've shot her, and Wanda would've probably hunted you down and kill you" you laughed and Yelena's shoulders relaxed.

"Probably" she said. "But with all seriousness... I was aiming a gun at my own sister and instead of pulling your own gun at me, you decided to shield her with your own body and dare me to shoot you as well. Who does that!?."

"You thought I was insane" you laughed.

"I thought you were stupid, putting your life at risk to save someone fucked up like us! someone like me.." She confessed and it downed on you.

No matter what happened or how many good things Yelena had done in her life, she couldn't let go of who she was trained to be. She still blamed herself for all the terrible things she did back at the red room and she constantly tried to get closure by doing the exact opposite- which was probably the reason she killed all these bad men in the first place. But then Natasha came back for her, and Yelena blamed her for leaving her behind to live with the things they did. She felt betrayed and broken, and Natasha's return only made it worse. Like she was just pitting her broken sister.

"All I know is that the Yelena I stood up to and the Natasha I saved that day were not the villains the red room tried to create." You whispered.

"You truly believed that? Even then?" Yelena was crying softly and you cupped her cheek.

"Especially then! I know you don't see it, but I'm here to remind you, you're a good person. Truly. You have a good heart- and I've seen it"

Yelena's cheeks were stained with tears, her eyes red and puffy and her famous crooked smile was plastered on her lips.

"And that's why you love me?"

She was a mess just like back then- when she was aiming a gun at her own sister as who she thought she was and who she truly is were fighting for dominance.

She was tragically beautiful and scared both then and now, yet somehow at the same time, she was more sure and confident than ever before. And I guess that what life is all about. Sometimes, things start to make sense only when everything else doesn't.

"Wasn't it obvious, stupid?" You said and stroked her cheek carefully as she melted into your touch.

Yelena smiled before kissing your hand softly, without breaking eye contact with you.

"You're the stupid one and you know it. Taking an assassin as your dinner date." She joked and you nodded and looked briefly at her lips.

"Well, stupid or not, I still manage to get a kiss at the end of it." Yelena laughed and got closer to you.

"Yeah you did" she whispered and kissed you.

And that was the thing about Yelena. She was good and kind and loyal. And a damn good kisser.

[everythingthemoontouches]

💙Hi there! , First of all i want to tell you that i love your blog! And i love how your posts are so accurate!💙 If its okay with you could you please do me a favor by describing how others see me,my appearance or more specifically the vibe I radiate to others! It would mean alot to me if you you do that💙I'm a cancer sun,leo rising,Lilith sextile asc, Pluto trine asc, Uranus opposition asc, Moon opposition asc, mars sextile venus, mars opposition neptune, asteroid lilith conjunct mc and jupiter in the 1st house!💙

Hola!

Thank you that's really kind of you 💛💕

You know that quote that says Cinderella never asked for a prince. All she wanted was a night out and a dress. You kind of exude a similar vibe but with respect to leadership positions. 'I never asked to be Queen/King, but the people have spoken' kind of an energy. You would be equally happy to be by yourself, learning about the subconscious mind, higher realms and other esoteric science.

For more on Jupiter in LEO I'd recommend watching Astrofinesse.

For jupiter in the first there's KRS.

🌻As a Leo rising you come across as someone outgoing, with a playful energy but you're also somehow someone people would expect to see in a position of authority. You're drawn to people who stimulate you intellectually and love to exchange ideas.

😬If you have an Aquarius saturn you could be having some challenges in your relationships since December 2020 as saturn transits your 7th house. I'd suggest practicing discernment in this area as well as signing contracts with people until it passes( early 2023) ..

😇12th house sun could take on other people's energy. I feel like you need some time away, by yourself, preferably at the beach / pool/ shower to declutter, clear your head and replenish your sense of Self. You could be highly intuitive. If this resonates, I'd urge you to look up empath drain and how to protect yourself from energy vampires.

Ruler of the ascendant in the 12th :

spirituality could be a huge part of your life. For some people this could show a father (figure) who was convicted or worked in a prison / asylum. They could also have a really remote job. Since the sun is also your own personal identity, you could profit off these themes. Working in a mental health facility, overseas, in esoteric crafts.

🌛With your moon in the 7th house, you probably attract a lot of older women, (queen of swords) nurturing energies . Your mom could have a major influence on any business partnerships that you enter.

In relationships you could have a here today gone tomorrow kind of a presence. This is because as the moon waxes and wanes so does your attraction / attachment to specific people?

♒Aquarius moon : it could be really hard for you to express your feelings. So Instead of asking for a hug there could be a tendency to say something like ' ew imagine asking for one?' you leave a place better than you found it. If you watch hindi movies, 3 Idiots could be a movie you really resonate with. ( I pretty much spent the day looking up the lead actor, who has major aquarius placements and his films have always been disruptive with a really nice social message that left people talking for years after they were released. I tell you this because he shares 2 of your big 3 - aquarius and cancer.)

Going off on this tangent you could be a well respected teacher / writer / entertainer. Jupiter in LEO could help with this.

I do feel like you need a certain amount of inventiveness in your relationships. The people you're with are people who introduce you to new hobbies / ideas / technologies. You need to feel like you guys learn something new or create something that matters together. This is enhanced by uranus in the 7th house. You could come across really cold because you always give people the naked honest truth when asked. You do this from a place of love. I'm reminded of the Queen of Swords card in the rider Waite tarot. Not everyone has the maturity to take it. Or maybe they've just had a bad day. It is what it is. Perhaps try to not be so incisive if this is something you struggle with.

In the same vein, if I asked you to write down how you were feeling how long would it take for you to identify the right emotion. How honest are you with yourself?

Moon and Uranus being in the same house could show that stagnation could really hurt your mental health / happiness / satisfaction levels.

With a saturn ruled moon I feel like I need to remind you to not be so hard on yourself. Like. The world won't crumble to dust if you allow yourself to take care of you once in a while.there's only so much you can do.

All those coffee mugs will catch up. There's no such thing as extra hours in the day. A lack of sleep manifests as early signs of aging. No hate for the elderly but arthritis is not a fun ailment to have. Do you wanna be 60 with 80 year old nervous system problems? I rest my case.

Uranus and moon aspect your ascendant so you could have a slightly plump look?

Jupiter in the first house people usually have prominent thighs. I had a friend with this placement and when we were growing up she used to complain of chafed thighs a lot?

Mars sextile venus you could be your own type? The way you act and the way you want your future partners to express love could be quite similar which is good for healthy relationships.

There could be a tendency to spend impulsively.

With Mars sextiling venus you could be someone who earns more the more active their lifestyle is? Like, you may need to be an agile learner to keep money flowing in .

Jupiter in LEO in a woman's chart usually shows they'd have a financially well off spouse so money may not be a huge concern. He could be a sailor or earn via exports/ navy. It's hard to say without knowing where your Saturn is.

The image you project to the world could be a lot more outgoing than how you actually feel. You're more private than people think.

With a fire rising, water sun and air moon you could either be a really balanced person or just have a number of clashing ideas on who to be, what to do and achieve.

Descendant : The people that hate on you could attack your need to stand out /try to dim your time in the spotlight. Think aquarius themes of standing out to improve community clashing with Leo's need to stand out solely because it helps their ego. Like your confidence could trigger the part if them that felt judged negatively for expressing their individuality.

Do you feel like you thrive in chaos? I'm guessing you're atleast in your late 20s if not older, so you might have gotten better at dealing with people acting unexpectedly. Your mom could have been unpredictable. Really intelligent, but forgets to eat ..

🥤🦀As a cancer sun, you could be the friend your friends come to for advice. There could be a tendency to be a little too selfless. I think your aqua moon really serves as a shield to those who try to take advantage of your caring nature. Have you considered a career in psychic medium ship? Or any spiritual art/ past life regression / you get the drift..

Is there a family craft or hobby that you could monetize? Jupiter in LEO could signify ancestral gains.

Lilith and Pluto aspects to ascendant can make you come across really sexy / a bit unapproachable because people feel like you have some kind of power that places you above them?

Due to this, people with Pluto / Lilith aspects can feel some kind of hurt around people clearing up the path around them if that makes sense.

Jupiter opposite moon : there could be a clash between you want to do VS what you feel you should be doing.

Jupiter in the first house : you could have been born rich? Or people just perceive you that way. They also see you as someone wordly wise and lucky in general. You could know a lot about a wide variety of things. Specially on topics related to appearance, personal development, image consciousness etc. Since the ruler of the first is in the 12th I feel like some of your wisdom comes from a divine source. Like you're tapping into some kind of a collective reservoir of knowledge. In starseed terminology we would refer to this as downloads.

Jupiter rules the 8th house and 5th house.

So love, romance, games, early education may have been a bit of a breeze for you.

Jupiter is usually a bit of a celibate spiritual person. So, while it may make you really wise with respect to things like the occult / tarot / other 8th house themes, I'm not sure how it would impact your sex life with a spouse. Sex could be either a deeply spiritual experience for you or take on more neptunian traits. Addiction / alcoholism / drug use the works. Jupiter expands the themes of the house it rules so a word of caution there.

Travelling could bring you luck. Or even love.

Did I hear Mars opposite Neptune?

This could be a literal battlefield. You could feel like you need to work for love.if Neptune is unconditional love and Mars is your drive, then you could literally match to get to taht elusive unconditional sense of belonging /love / acceptance. But what are you marching towards really? A mirage? With this aspect I'd really be on the guard against addiction of any kind. Neptune is enticing, alluring, mocking Mars for its need to conquer. It could lend a really nice swagger to your walk. A runway model could benefit from thus placement. At uts best this aspect imbues you with creativity, inspiration, otherworldly imagination and the energy required to turn your abstract ideas of art into something tangible.

Here's a source for more on this placement. Sometimes I find that the comments really help me make sense of my own placements

Toodles

Before I sign off, I just have to say this :please try to restrict asks to 2-3 placements. You can send in multiple asks if you'd like, but answering them all in one ask can get a bit cluttered and I'd hate to miss out on something 😊

Hope this helped 💕as always, I'd really appreciate your feedback on this take on how these placements affect you.

[awigglycultist]

Tcb htgcc miracle/finale kickstarter livestream notes!

Gabe brought on his dog

Brian's pet is the Yeasty Boys bagle he was eating

B: "people have different theories on ya know eating different uhm-" J: "what do you mean? What kind of theories??" B: "just about eating on livestreams. You know like some people are for it or against it" J: "what's a theory about it?" L: "I say go for it!!" J: "yeah!" B: "it's- okay, great"

Lauren brought on Diane and Ashley Skidmore's dog Pickles

B: "so, big news y'all, uhm, we started writing the show! We started writing this show!"

A: "am I in it?" L: "no" B: "you're in it and you're gonna be singing!" J: "we made some cuts. We made some big cuts"

L: "I will say one of the benefits, maybe the only benefit of live with Joey *laughs* just kidding" J:??? A: "you live with Joey?"

The entire bit where they talk about different auditions they've been through omg. Like Gabe being told for a FedEx ad to film grabbing a package and putting it in his car and driving and delivering it wtf

Joey will sometimes have Lauren get up on a stepping stool so she can see what's its like to be tall djdbdhd

Brian once paid to get a premium seat on a plane and when he got on they were like "actually no we need this" and stuck him in the back in a middle seat?? He got refunded but WHAT

B: "should we just 20 mins in say why we're here?"

G: "my [tiktok] algorithm is stunts, dogs, D&d stuff and everyone in the world being like 'I'm bisexual!'" A: "maybe your tiktok is trying to tell you something"

*Joey and Lauren do a gingerbread house competition every day* A: "Has Joey ever won the gingerbread competition?" J: "no" C: "that's okay, one day Joe"

A: "is Michigan spefically maize yellow?" C: "maize and blue" A: "not gold?" J: "maize like corn" A: "yeah no I understand what maize is. But I've never hear anyone describe-" J: "no like corn Ashely, like a corn maize" A: "oh like oh! Like a corn maize when they grow the corn tall and they cut a path through it!?"

Yale's colors are white and Yale blue.

TCB has several spefic colors: Billy Black which is not quite a pure black and is named after a cat that belonged to their neighbors at their old place. Railroad Gray. Liam White which is an off white. And the tin can yellow is Piss In A Can

They might do a real toy drive!

They think that the reason Kickstarter took so long getting htgcc is bc of the toy drive and charity being mentioned which are things your not supposed to do kickstarters for

Gabe's never done a cast recording before

A: "what if we hit and we have to suddenly come up with another stretch goal" B: "we already know what it is, Corey's gonna dye his hair galaxy" C: "I don't what your talking- sorry I can't- are you muted Brian? I can't hear you"

They mentioned it early but I forget to say it: they hit 35k and 40k! So that means we get it a cast recording and solve it squad back in biz goes on youtube!

*talking about sisbib* A: "and there are a few mistakes!" B: "no" C: "no" J: "none"

Meg Lloyd aka @thirdchildart did the animatic for the opening and Nick Gage did the theme song!

God its so good

Everyone's just talking about their favs bits of the song and the animatic, as they should its great

They have a little trailer for sisbib!!

B: "we look like maniacs"

Joey has a bad back

Ah yes that scene for solve it squad returns, the new york run spefically, where Joey is holding one person on each of his arms and then juggles them, I remember

*Brian explaining how their gonna do the backer shoutouts this time* "Uh remember when Corey was the uh Butcherous Baker in the case of the uh gilded lily, I don't fucking know" A: "wow okay, shout out to shipwrecked!" G: "shout put to shipwrecked!" B: "headless coming soon!"

They showed what all the pins look like and they're so cute

C: "you'll be able to figure that all out later so... Add now think later" A: "money now thoughts.. Another time"

Omfg them trying to get it so everyone knows the ppl who backed and the order to go is an absolute mess

A: "you'll of course remember Tanya the wayward werewolf from the case of the weird podcast"

The way Lauren starts so dramatic "AND WHO COULD FORGET" djdkdbdk

They hit 45k! Which means the squad is gonna do a commentary on a holiday movie!

B: ".... What do you guys wanna do for the next half hour?"

For Back In Biz they came up with the ideas together, wrote one script together and then each of them wrote the other three on their own and then they cam back together to streamline them and revise/edit it

They were talking about how fun it'll be to be live in front of an audience again and Brian asked Ashley when the last she was live on stage was and then some asked "Gabe, when was the last time you did anything?" sjdjdjdjdjjdjd

Gabe has no career

Gabe's dad (Jason Alexander if you didn't know) is totally the one that gave all the money to the campaign

*They were having Gabe, Ashley and Lauren talk about like other projects they're doing and such and they made each of their screens bigger when they were talking* L: "... Why?" G: "get big!" B: "get big Lauren, tell us about that wall!" G: "Lauren get big!"

If Lauren had to describe her patreon in one word it'd be "santatic"

Diane hates Gabe's dancing

Everyone counting out of sync bdjdhd

I'm so hyped to be able to see the squad again and that tcb gets be in person again!!! Can't wait for the holidays to come around