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maschotch · 2 years ago

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the henry growing up problems please 👀

aldhkshd ok this is definitely 100% made up and based purely on my interpretation of the jareau family since we get very little on how jj actually is as a parent (and even less on her kids’ personalities). so dont take it too seriously

to me henry seemed so.. quiet. to be fair he’s like three the first time we meet him aldhsk but im gonna go ahead and interpret his demeanor the few times we see him as a mild temperament. kind of like will, but will’s comes from consideration and courtesy while henry’s comes from having a very clear and simple path laid out for him with no options available

i think what im actually basing a lot of this on is jj’s relationship with her own mom. its such a strained relationship. her mom can barely get out a sentence without jj rolling her eyes and jj seems hypersensitive to her mother’s criticism. this is undoubtedly because she was likely criticized constantly as a child—constantly under scrutiny by a prideful, humiliated family under scrutiny by a “tight-knit” (invasive), traditionalist town. sucks to say it lol but the jareau family was probably judged a lot by her sister’s suicide: a dark stain on the reputation of the family. and with a mother who would rather pretend nothing happened for the sake of their image instead of putting jj’s needs first… not only did her family shove aside this devastating event, they placed all expectations of their family’s success on their remaining daughter’s shoulders. it was jj’s duty to make up for the embarrassment of her sister that she wasnt even able to mourn

when someone grows up under such omnipresent, overwhelming pressure, it can sometimes lead to them applying similar pressure to their own children as a way to prepare them for the world of their own childhood rather than the world their child is currently experiencing. that combined with jj’s pride in being a mother (prioritizing a pride in the position it gives her over actually mothering her children) creates a certain ~energy… it doesnt feel right to just say she’s assertive and leave it at that: it doesnt fully encompass the actual situation. she’s making up for all the freedom she lacked by decisively doing things her way now, not realizing that its placing a similar barrier on her own children. we know she’s repeating the same mistakes her mother made through the way jj talks (more aptly put: doesnt talk) to henry about rosaline

from the few interactions we see of will and jj as parents, its clear that jj has the final word. she feels entitled to make decisions concerning their family, and resists any kind of correction or suggestion. i feel like jj would be the kind of mom whose love feels like a cage: henry can sense the boundaries established by a mother he’s never seen challenged. i really do believe that jj wants to do whats best for her child, but her view is so cut and dry that her devotion to her child twists into defense of her parenting skills. while she has henry’s best intrest in mind, she’d only looking at it from her own perspective by only considering what happened in her own childhood

i think its almost worse for henry that all of this is done out of love, bc theres no way to argue against that. “im doing this because i love you” “i just want you to be happy” “i want whats best for you” are all seemingly loving sentiments that sours any attempt of contradiction. henry seems too sweet to further challenge his mother, so i think henry gives up defying her by the time he’s a teenager. even if he’s hurting, even if he cant do what he wants, even if the constraints feel like a noose around his neck, “mother knows best.” “be true to yourself, but only within the realm of what i find acceptable”

between his mother’s unyielding resolve and his father relenting, its unlikely henry grew up with much of a backbone. he has no confidence in himself as an individual: everything has been dictated by his mother, who’s been forever unopposed in his mind. she’s like a next level helicopter mom: her hovering presence is always felt and he always remains in his mother’s shadow. he has no hope to see beyond the barriers his mom has constructed bc the concept of confronting her has never been a possibility in his life—whether its him, his father, or anyone else for that matter. jj gets her way no matter what.

im uncertain on how self aware jj is about this constant conflict within her. assuming she truly wants whats best for her child, at some points she must realize that what she’s doing isnt healthy either. i just dont think the jj we see in the show is capable of acknowledging such a huge mistake. i think she’d double down on it instead of changing her ways, refusing to acknowledge any harm she may be causing despite knowing the truth. it would take a long time, and a LOT of introspection, for her to actually acquiesce

it would probably take a lot of work to undo that submissive mindset thats been instilled in henry his whole life. i think if he was an only child he’d probably stay in his mother’s grip, unwilling to hurt someone he knows genuinely cares about him. “its not worth it,” he may think, “what i want doesnt matter.”

im not sure why i think things go differently from michael. maybe bc little brothers, so im told, like to act like little shits. but between the two children i think he’s far more likely to butt heads w their mother. instead of accepting his mother’s limitations as just the way the world is—the way henry does—michael would get fed up with the constant handle jj has on every aspect of his life, rebelling against his mother’s control. i think it’d definitely be amplified once he’s a teenager, and i think the persistent fighting would lead jj to reflect on herself in a way henry’s obedience wouldnt. she’ll realize how much she’s become like her mom and learn to do what she wished her mother had done when she was a kid: listen

again this is all just speculation. i feel like jj would be a very domineering mother, even if it comes from a good place. will doesnt know how to stand up to her and his easygoing nature means he doesnt really mind letting her have complete control of the reins. but choosing that environment and growing up in that environment are two very different things, and i think henry would suffer for it

#her second kid's name is michael right? ajsdhlfksg #asks #henry #jennifer jareau #char crit #not to make everything about hotch but #i think a reason why this dynamic doesnt apply to hotch/jack is bc hotch struggles to see himself as a father #unless directly confronted w his family's (both his son and his team) view of him #he's not worried about appearing like a good father--he's worried about not being a good enough father #which comes with an entirely new set of problems ajshdlfjksd rip jack #thinking ab the kids of the bau being teenagers... idk i just have some thoughts on how their identity has been shaped by their parents #and what that means for them

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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I want to leave my partner of 15 years. Am I being selfish? | Mariella Frostrup

A woman who married her longtime partner two years ago now wants to separate. Mariella Frostrup wonders why its taken so long to address the issues in their relationship

The dilemma After much heartache, sleepless nights and consideration I told my husband of two years, but partner for 15, that I was unhappy and thought we should separate. I am 37 and he is 49. On discussing our issues my husband said that if I left he would have no chance of children and Id be robbing him of that as his chances of meeting anyone are very slim and mine are slightly better.

He has become a father figure to me. I feel I live in his house with his things and his rules. My husband is making me feel guilty for wanting to leave and leaving him childless and I do feel guilty, incredibly guilty and sad about that, and it is leading me to question whether I should leave. He says I am selfish. Am I?

Mariella replies Maybe, but thats not important. Who isnt selfish when it comes to making the choices that shape our lives? Im afraid this all sounds like a case of too little too late. Which one of you is responsible for leaving your relationship untended for so long?

Its a shame that having had so many years to make up your minds you went ahead and married only two years ago. Were any of these doubts on either of your minds then? Sometimes babies are made to patch up relationships; sometimes weddings.

It may be an error in your description of the situation, but your letter suggests that this recent discussion was the first of its kind. There are people who store up complaints and negative experiences, barely emitting a murmur, until one day they blow. You certainly appear to be one of them. If you wait until you simply cant take any more, the choice to leave is pretty irrevocable. But sustainable relationships involve myriad minor re-adjustments on a continuous basis. You are in development, as they say in the movie business, for the duration of any partnership.

Its a highly dysfunctional act to pronounce sentence on a relationship without any attempt to address the issues that lead to it, but Ive come across many such unilateral concluders in my time. Its not unusual to encounter those who have been abandoned by partners without a second glance and shared barely a syllable after their unexpected departure. In broader society thats the behaviour of despots and dictators. Could you be guilty of such behaviour? If so, try to have a full and frank discussion before you make such a move.

Alternatively, its possible your husbands controlling behaviour is an issue youve been confronting and attempting to resolve for some time. Either way, his reasons for continuing the relationship arent particularly persuasive. His suggestion that youre his last hope is neither flattering nor realistic and doesnt say much for either of you. Its a far more selfish piece of emotional blackmail than your simply expressed desire to leave.

Im on the fence as to what your plan of action should be. Im not convinced by your account either and am struggling to understand why youve lingered so long. If having children was an ambition, youve been mulling it over at enormous length. After nearly two decades together, for it to be an issue only now seems disingenuous on both your parts. My instinct is that you are both in the wrong relationship, or at the very least in dire straits and in need of urgent positive action. Certainly you shouldnt stay with someone who makes you feel controlled and parented rather than loved and supported but for that to have taken this long to realise seems at best incongruous.

Meanwhile, on his part, if at 49 hes only just realising youre his best route to kids and family, then hes either a slow learner or hes been dawdling up until now. I cant believe youve squandered 15 years simply treading water and if thats the case Im shocked at how little that suggests you value your lives. You dont mention religion, so like most of us today I presume you understand that this is it, one shot, and sitting around waiting for life to change is a waste of precious moments. If youre adamant that your best path to enhanced happiness is to be found by forging a brand new adventure then get on with it free of guilt.

At 49 your husband has the opportunity to make future babies should he so desire; you on the other hand dont have a moment to waste. You need to move on decisively, but do try to carry the wisdom of lessons learned. Hanging around and storing resentment is a recipe for disaster. Problems in a relationship need to be aired, managed and moved on from, and not trapped in your head building up pressure. Denied the oxygen of articulation, frustrations become ultimatums and the only outcome is to finally and emphatically explode. I hope youve thought long, hard and honestly about what to do and that next time it doesnt take so many years to gain clarity on what you want.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1