#sometimes all you need is to just fall into a deep coma and forget the world is real O_O

[strawbnation]

I hadn't slept enough for a couple of days and then last night I knocked out like you've never seen before and I haven't felt that good in a while weewooo

[hydrangeapartridge]

Until death brings us together Chapter 4 : DEATH

Final chapter of my Ghost Shinsou x reader fic!

You can read it on AO3

Title: Until death brings us together

Stauts: Complete

Tags/Warnings: Shinsou x reader, ghost!Shinshou, modern AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Implied/Referenced Character Death, depression, toxic friendship (not with Shinsou), sadness, pain, needles, perfusion, hospitals, mention of cancer, drugged drinks, ethylic coma, accidental death, suffering, disease, bullying, bittersweet ending

Rating: E

Summary: It starts slowly, insidiously; the sadness, the restless nights, the tears you silently cry at night alone in your empty apartment. That’s coincidently when you start seeing him: the man with the deep violet eyes, and he’s following you.Is he an evil spirit? Is he death? Or is he your depressed mind playing tricks on you?

Chapter 1 , 2, 3

You fall into a routine with Hitoshi. A dangerous one. Dangerous for your sanity. Because it just feels too real. Like he’s an actual colleague, or a roommate, made of palpable flesh, supported by solid bones. You tend to forget he’s not even breathing.

He’s with you at work when you take your break alone; he’s here on your couch in the evening when you need to talk about the upsetting things that happened during your shift. He’s here in the morning, teasing you about being a zombie before you had your coffee. You have his undivided attention when you talk, as he has yours when he sometimes tells you about his parents with watery eyes in the late nights of the week-end. He doesn’t want to go see them; you asked.

Since he’s become your supernatural roommate (companion? Friend? ..? You don’t know, you’re not afraid of him, but of what you want to call him), you’re…. better. Surprisingly so. You should be afraid for your sanity; you still had the pills you wanted to take when you first noticed him, but things in your life are weirdly easier. It’s easier to talk with your colleagues, the doctors seem nicer, more approachable. More human. You truly realize you’re all in this together, and they’re flawed like you are, but it’s fine because Dr Stiles has a beautiful wife that he likes to call “his heart” and one of your stoical older colleagues is a grandmother now and talks about her grandson with tears of emotion in her eyes. They are touching. They are people like you are, and not robots who do the same routine as you,; people that you pass by without seeing them, without caring, despite being a nurse.

Kagura even apologizes to you one day. You accept to hang out with her again, because she’s not so rotten, just insecure. You only promise yourself you won’t make the mistake of not setting boundaries with her this time. Oddly you have a feeling it won’t be a problem. When you hear her laugh again for the first time in weeks, it brings a smile to your face.

Generally, you tend to see the silver linings of things a lot more than before, the brighter side of negative events, the glass half full. And it feels great actually. You feel better.

Your life is far from perfect, and work is still difficult, but you truly feel better. You even go as far as starting random conversation with strangers at the mall, in the café where you still like to hang out. There you often chat with the new barista, the one with freckles and a smile that feels like sunshine. You even got his number. His name is Izuku. But Izuku’s not the one towards whom your thoughts always drift out without your consent.

It’s bad, how important Hitoshi became in your life; how close he is to your heart, he who doesn’t exist anymore. Thanks to his presence, you never feel lonely; you’re capable of being brave; braver, because he’s never too far away from you, even when you can’t see him. And because of it, you selfishly refuse to let him go.

You did research on ghosts, browsing weird websites to gather information you’re not sure you can trust. And you’re convinced he’s here for a reason, which probably isn’t keeping company to a depressed meaningless little nurse. Yet you don’t want him to leave you, so you ignore all the stuff you read about ‘accomplishing something so they can finally rest in peace’. Given how he’s gone; how could he ever be at peace? All that stuff’s probably bullshit anyway… right? Sometimes you still feel guilty for not telling him about those unscientific researches; for not at least trying to set him free.

He never approaches the subject of the future with you. Maybe he’s content with your actual situation? Or maybe he can’t wrap his mind around the concept of leaving forever. Of disappearing. Everyone’s a little afraid of death. Maybe that’s just why he’s here in the first place? Because he doesn’t want to make the big jump. Because his death was so sudden he wasn’t prepared to go; and he’s still not ready to go.

That night, you’re in your bed, musing over all this bullshit under your blanket, unable to sleep.

You can’t sleep because you’re thinking of him, and those thoughts treacherously go towards the feelings you’ve grown towards him.

If only he was still alive. If only he was a resident in your hospital, things could be much simpler. Would have been much simpler. You don’t know the guys who did what they did to him and either they don’t care or they are traumatized. Either way you hate them. You feel like they robbed something from the both of you.

You could have loved him. Would have loved him.

It’s easy to let your thoughts wander to that fantasy. You imagine dates in cafés, ice-cream under the sun at the beach… and then more intimate situations.

Mindlessly, your hand has travelled down your stomach and between your legs. During one second you feel ashamed of what you’re about to do. But the desire burning deep into your core is stronger. Your libido has been down for months because of your state of mind, and now that its awakened, the need you feel for release is unbearable.

It’s not difficult to imagine Hitoshi above you. Your creative mind offers to fill in the gaps as you picture his naked body; lean but muscular., taking you while he whispers sweet nothings into your ear in that smooth voice of his. His resonates clear and deep in your mind and his half-lidded purple eyes watching you are easy to picture.

“Hitoshi please” You don’t hear yourself breathe his name with your pulse pounding against your temples.

You’re almost there.

“Yes?”

His voice has the effect of an icing shower and you jolt up, grabbing your blanket to hide yourself, to hide the activities you were abandoning yourself to.

“W-what are you doing here? How long have you been here?” You ask too quickly, a little panicked.

“I just arrived, I thought you called me”

“I didn’t.. I-”

You stop when it occurs to you that maybe you moaned his name. A desperate groan escapes you and you hide your burning face under the blanket. A moment of heavy silence, and then Hitoshi dares to ask : “Were you doing what I think you were doing?”

You roll yourself until you’re a blanket burrito facing away from him.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asks next, maybe a little bit embarrassed. At least he doesn’t sound angry.

You groan again and try to disappear into a mountain of blankets. You’ll never be able to look him in the eyes again.

There’s a moment of silence, and you think he’s gone, never to come back given how disgusted he must be with you.

But you think you feel the blankets shift when in truth they don’t shift at all, and his voice is closer to your ear when he says. “I have to admit I’m kind of flattered”

You peak out from under your blanket, face so hot you’re surprised there isn’t smoke coming out of your ears. “Really?”

Hitoshi, who’s lying on his side ontop of the covers, facing you, graces you with a bashful smile. “Really”

“You’re definitely not real”

He chuckles at your comment, the sound of it music to your ears.

“I’m sorry” You mumble, mouth hidden by your blanket.

“I’m sorry too….” He tells you, and then there is a shift in his eyes. “That I can’t be with you like this”

He’s very intently looking at you, and the mood changes back to something more serious. “That I can’t touch you the way you want me to” He continues, and the way his voice lowered has you shiver. The tension is back in you, the desire renewed between your legs from just a few words.

“I wish I could feel how soft you are, how smooth your skin is” He confesses, his dark amethyst eyes never leaving your body, trying to see more, like he can see through the barrier of your blanket.

One hand slowly moves towards you, and although he can’t, it’s like he’s cupping your cheek. “How sweet you would taste”

There’s a tingling in your lips when his thumb ghosts over them. It’s like you can feel him there next to you. The warmth of his touch, almost real, sending electricity coursing in your veins wherever the echo of his skin touches yours.

“I would kiss those perfect lips”

His fingers travel down to the hollow of your neck, and his face comes closer, his lips close to your ear as he whispers: “I would make love to you all night long”

A sigh escapes you and the previous ache you felt in your core awakens again, burning ten times harder. You’re probably going mad at this point, because no one touching you as ever felt as good as Hitoshi just being here next to you, talking to you.

“Go on, don’t be shy, let me admire you, my pretty kitten”

The pet name makes your cheeks heat up. Still, you push your blanket away, unashamed of showing him your body now that you’re excited. You instinctively know he’ll take care of you and help you tend to your needs.

“Yes, just like that. You’re so beautiful” Beside lust, there’s a hint of another emotion in his voice, something like regret or sadness that he’s trying to hide. But your brain stops focusing on it the second he says:  “Now touch yourself for me.”

Your heart skips a beat in your chest before it races, your blood pounding in your ears. You close your eyes and let his voice guide you, fill your mind until the only thing you can think about is him. Obediently, your hand travels down to resume your previous activities. Hitoshi is so close to you. You’re sure he’s watching your every move. You’d love to see the look in his eyes; maybe he’s licking his lips from time to time. But you still feel a bit shy and it’s easier to keep your eyes closed and abandon yourself to the pleasure you’re sinking into.

“That’s it. My sweet kitten. So nice to everyone. You deserve to feel good”

You whimper, the pace of your hand on your clit increasing. You’re so close already. You’ve never been so aroused so quickly and if you weren’t so lost in the moment, you would feel ashamed of nearing the age so easily.

“Let me make you feel good”

He’s so smooth, feeding you with praises in a steady flow that brings wave after wave of pleasure pulsing through your whole body. Slowly your arousal builds up with the way he keeps bringing it higher and higher from his voice alone, like he’s growing a fire by slowly but meticulously blowing onto its embers.

“I want to hear every breath I would draw from you”  

The ghost of his touch tingles under your skin, warm and inviting, comforting.

“Say my name again”

You obey, crying out his name just before a powerful orgasm steals your voice and all the air from your lungs.

It takes you a moment to come to, and when you open your eyes, Hitoshi is still lying next to you, a wickedly satisfied smile on his lips. You feel shy again, exposed in only your underwear when he’s fully dressed. You bring the blanket up to your neck and his smile becomes gentler when he sees the way you’re blushing.

“Feeling good?” He asks, shifting closer.

“Perfect” You whisper. “Thank you”

“My pleasure” The melody of his low purr almost makes you want to have another go at whatever ghost sex you just had. But your muscles are sore, and you feel exhausted.

You don’t have time to ask him if you can somehow return the favour, even if he doesn’t have a body, because your eyelids fall heavily over your eyes, and you feel yourself helplessly drifting to sleep.

“Sweet dreams kitten” He whispers, and as you close your eyes, there’s a warmth on your forehead where you imagine he’s gently kissing you.

“Good night Hitoshi” You try to whisper before falling asleep.

--------------------------------

The next day, you are in an excellent mood. You spend a lazy Sunday at home, drinking hot chocolate while watching a movie as rain pours outside your window.

Hitoshi appears at one point and the smile you give him is positively beaming. He sits next to you, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and you chat about the work that awaits you this week at the hospital.

In that moment, close to him, you feel content. You feel complete and at peace. You hope he feels it too; that calm.

That night you throw away the pills before his eyes, and when you go to bed, Hitoshi is not too far, and there’s no anxiety to keep you awake.

--------------------------------

Your honey-moon phase is short lived. What goes up must always come down they said, and things soon started to go downhill.

It starts the next week-end when you go to your usual café. Hitoshi’s sitting across from you, and the next moment he’s not. Cut mid-sentence he disappears. When he comes back, you brush it off with a smile. However these incidents keep happening more and more often. At home, when he’s next to you, you don’t feel the warmth from before anymore, and looking at it more closely, he’s becoming more see-through with each day.  You have more and more difficulty seeing him, hearing him, and he looks more and more transparent, the tips of his hair and his fingertips sometimes even blurred, like he’s fading into the atmosphere.

At first you deny he’s starting to vanish from your life. But you can’t hide from the truth forever, and you have to face the fear that keeps you awake at night.

Then, you start feeling selfish, for. How could you help him feel at peace like he helped you? You realize you can’t live like this forever. You’ll grow old, and what will happen to him? Will he stay in between forever? Is there something you can do so his soul can rest in peace before he just disappears?

With these thoughts soon comes another question: if you killed yourself, would you be able to stay with him as a ghost forever? No, you can’t let yourself think like that. You have your whole life ahead of you when he was robbed of his. He would never forgive you if you ended it for him. And he would be right about it.

You’re so caught up in your racing thoughts and anxiety that you barely even enjoy the few moments you manage to spend with Hitoshi.

One rainy day, when you get home from work after no seeing him during your shift, despite calling for him, you find him waiting for you beside the couch.

He looks sickly pale, even for a ghost.

The way he softly says your name when he invites you to sit down breaks your heart.

“I think it’s time for me to go”

You want to stand up, to confront him and if the gesture he makes with his hand to appease you is enough to keep you sitting, it doesn’t stop your voice from cracking.

“What do you mean. Go where?!”

The pained look in his eyes is torture to watch.

“ Since the day you threw away those pills away, I have more and more difficulty maintaining myself here. My consciousness is getting blurry and in my mind it feels like there’s something pulling at me, trying to lead me somewhere. And I think I need to follow it” He clutched an the blurry fabric of his shirt, just where his heart should be. “I feel it in my gut, my job here is done. You’re safe, so I can go. ”

This time you get up. You try to embrace him, but this time your arms just pass through him.

“Please no, don’t go, I need you. I can’t live without you!” You can’t stop the tears that are streaming down your cheeks. Angry and sad, you try to grab at him, to hit him, to push him, whatever it takes to just keep him here with you.

“You know we can’t stay like this. You need to move forward, to enjoy your future. I won’t change, I’m not even really here. I will only hold you back if I stay. I have to see what’s next. I’m not afraid anymore. You gave me courage” His smile doesn’t reach his teary eyes.

“But it’s unfair, you helped me so much” You sob, your tired arms falling to your sides.

“You heart is too tender for this world. But it is not a bad thing. You are a good person. You help people” Hitoshi’s voice is harder and harder to hear, slowly becoming a low whisper. “Live for the two of us. Enjoy. I wish we had met earlier but if at least I could help you so you wouldn’t end up like me, I’m glad. I’m glad I met you. Live long and live well… ”  You can’t see his legs anymore, and his waist is starting to evaporated into the air, like he never existed.

You’re powerless. From the beginning you were powerless. You hate that he was given to you and that now he’s taken from you. God, spirits, the devil, you despise whoever put you through these wonderful moments just to rob you of them. You despise the guys who had Hitoshi killed…. But amongst the pain and sorrow, you manage to tell him the most important thing. The thing you don’t regret.

“I love you” You cry, and the look of surprise on his face is blurred by his fading contours and the tears streaming down your face.

His amethyst eyes widen before they soften. He forces one last smile for you and if his last words are barely an echo of a noise, you’ll never forget them “I would have loved you too”

In front of you there’s nothing but empty air. Around you the only sound is that of silence. You fall to your knees and cry your heart out for him.

-----------------------------

The next day, you call in sick. You don’t want to do anything, don’t want to see anyone. You leave Kagura’s worried messages on ‘unread’.  You rummage through your trash can, looking for the pills, but they’re long gone.

The next week, you at least take a shower before going to work, your only intention being to steal the pills again. At night, the bottle in hand, you look yourself into the mirror. Dark bags under your eyes, pale skin and untended hair… you look like shit. You look into that poor girl’s eyes; that poor girl who has her whole life waiting for her. You throw the bottle of pills against the wall with all your force before you start crying again.

The next month. You accept to go out with Kagura. The pain so vivid before is a dull ache that makes you feel numb. You don’t want to do anything, but you let her take you wherever she wants. When she goes to use the bathroom, the bubbly freckled barista comes to have a chat with you. He manages to bring a small smile to your face.

The next year, you’re texting Izuku in the train that brings you to Hitoshi’s hometown. You place white lilies on his grave and pray that he’s in a better place.

Years later, you marry that cute barista who brightens your life like sunshine. When the two of you have children, you make sure to show them they’re not alone and listen to their struggles. You are overjoyed when they become parents too. You keep your job as a nurse until your retire and with your husband and family, you overcome all the smaller troubles that life brings you.

At the end of a full life with no regrets, in your hospital bed, you close your eyes and greet death like an old friend. A tall figure extends a pale hand to you at the end of a tunnel of light. You get closer and find shiny violets eyes wrinkled with the hint of a smile. You take the silhouette’s hand, unafraid.

[konohamaru-sensei]

was bored at work today, wrote some drabbels at the request of and for friends. ( Hawks x OC/ Kakashi x OC / Dabi x OC / Shibi X OC / Kakashi x Zabuza / Fatgum x OC / Kakashi x OC returns)

+++

Yue & Dabi- Write about your ship bathing or swimming together. for @foolishk

When he stands in the doorway, he is full of dirt. Top to bottom, all over him, as if he bathed in mud. Yue ruffles her nose: “What happened to you?”

There are many things she has willingly and unwillingly learned about the man formally known as Todoroki Touya, but one thing is always certain: He only talks if he can’t help it otherwise. So a grunted: “Was attacked by some dude with mud”, is probably all she’ll ever get out of him.

And by “attacked” he probably means that he did the attacking, but she is willing to let that slide. If she started questioning her morals now, she’d never get anywhere.

“You need a bath”, she says and sounds a little like a disappointed mother. He doesn’t like those because the water burns on his exposed skin. There is nothing to be done about it though. His blue eyes stare directly at her and she adds quickly: “I’m going to take care of you.”

His face softens at that declaration and she wants to jump and kiss him right there for how beautiful he can be, but she holds herself back. First, the bathroom.

With a deep sigh Dabi follows her into her tiny bathroom and once again she is thankful that he is smaller than his slender body makes it look like. There isn’t much space in here, especially if she wants to get in too. They’d have to move close together to fit. Not that she minds really. Without exchanging a word he sits down on the little stool in the shower, not complaining when Yue turns on the water to wash out his hair. When she looks down to him, he has his eyes closed, face in a relaxed position. He can look so sweet sometimes that she fully forgets how dangerous of a criminal he is.

As soon as the bathtub is filled she stops the shower. “Time to get in there,” Yue orders. He gets up from the stool, hovering for a moment right before her face, ice blue eyes staring into hers. Just when she thinks he’ll kiss her he turns his head away and climbs into the tub. Her heart is at her throat.

Dabi hisses as the hot water touches his skin from all sides. He hunches over, arms slung around his legs like he is a little child again. Yue picks a sponge from her shelves and climbs into the tub behind him, making sure to avoid his most delicate skin as she wraps his legs around him.

“I’m going to softly clean your back now,” she explains as if he is a coma patient that she is tasked to clean. “The sponge is very soft and I will be careful. Tell me if it hurts.” Why she adds that fact, she doesn’t know. He won’t tell her anyway. That’s the problem with the man formally known as Touya, he doesn’t talk about his pain. It got him in this whole mess in the first place.

Carefully, as if the man in front of her could fall apart at any moment, she runs the sponge over his back, going slower the more exposed skin she finds. He has new burns over his shoulders, which probably goes back to the fight with whatever put him in so much mud. He looks so vulnerable like this, half his back exposed to the elements. Yue wants to protect him, when in truth she should be protected from him.

“Can I turn around?” he ask suddenly and Yue looks up. “Oh, sure, if you want to, I can clean your front…”

Dabi gets up, Yue looks away to avoid looking at what is between his naked legs. Not that she has never seen it before, but it still feels kind of odd. He sits down in front of her, legs wrapped around her body now. They seem somehow closer in this way, even tough they sit at about the same distance as they did before. The difference is that Dabi can now directly look in her face and somehow that makes her nervous.

She continues working with the sponge, now over the top of his chest and his arms. She can feel the weight of the blue eyes watching as she is working and tries not to show how it makes her feel. He always has that stare that she’d never seen with anyone else. A look that should scare her, but doesn’t. Not always at least.

“Thank you.”

Yue looks up in surprise. Dabi is still staring at her, but his face almost looks like it is smiling. “N-no problem”, she replies, stopping herself just short from saying that she loves doing stuff like this for him.

He moves his face closer to hers, almost like he is now going in for the kiss, but then just drops his head down on her shoulder, as if it is too heavy for him to carry it himself.

What a mess this boy is, she thinks, and can’t help herself from pressing a kiss into the white hair.

[kat-holden]

This is becoming more of a journal, rather than letters. Nevertheless, sometimes no amount of poetry and short stories can really take the poison out. No amount of allegories and metaphors can help with the ever swirling thoughts of horror I have in my mind. Also, it is becoming so difficult to convince you to separate art from the artist, although I do my best. There are times my mask slips and only in these "letters" I can let it fully fall.

I am not a cruel person, so I can't simply sit on the other side and tell you what I can type here without thinking what my words would do, what effect they will have on people around me. Call me a cowed, for I am one. I am also not selfish enough to say what I so deeply desire in the last few years. I have reconciled with the thought of my death and the need for me to take my own life. It has become something of an escapism, a twisted one I know.

Thing is I more and more often think of not only wanting to die, but how can I do it. The more I think about it, the more I realize it is way easier than believed. I have the means, I know exactly how much I need to put myself into a coma. If I was more self-centered I would have done it by now. But you see, I am that pathetic that I think "But what about the others? How would they feel?" How would they feel indeed. There would probably be a mourning period for sure. Confusion, pain and endless questions as "why?".

They always wonder why. The answer maybe is only obvious to me - because I cannot continue living my life. I see no point to it. There is nothing I look forward to, there is nothing I will achieve. I live on borrowed time, because my dear unseen observer, I died a long time ago. I died three times already, but I keep waking up to this nightmare. I died in the apartment of my rapist. I died at the operation table when life was scraped away from me and I died when my body hit the ground from a height that was insufficient and only rendered me unconscious and broken. Truly, I should have died then when I jumped.

Everything that came after that feels like it shouldn't have happened, because I didn't want to be alive. It is ironic how I wanted to forget and escape what happened to me only to leave myself with a scar big enough to be a constant reminder. It is easy for me to connect the dots that by not dying then I really have no reason to continue, life holds no allure for me. And I can hear you say "But you have things to look forward to." And maybe to that other me, the one that did not die three times, these would seem wonderful. To that me 14, 15 years ago all I have now would be the dream. However, that person is not alive and I am just an imposter continuing a life that ended.

I tried to convince myself that it is scary to have a plan of your own demise. I tried to really dig deep down and scare myself, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It would be difficult, for I have left traces in so many people's lives, but there's always a way to push them away, make them hate me and then just walk away and die in peace. It is insanely easy to get lost, when no body is looking for you. And in the end I just need to make sure that even if I get found it would be too late.

It is difficult to explain what exactly I feel and why in order to go into planning such a thing. Maybe it's better that not many people know the feeling. It is even better that you will never have such feelings. But this is how life goes, some people just can't find their place. Some people don't fit anywhere. Some people are always the odd puzzle piece that randomly got into the pile. Some people are just not supposed to be alive, because it was never meant to happened in the first place.

All of this must sound sad to you, but to me it makes sense.

It would have made things easier if I didn't leave traces in people's lives.

[burgerpocalypse]

I've been trying to run through some free games I got from the Epic game store, specifically Grand Theft Auto V, Creature in the Well, and most recently Night in the Woods. I quit GTAV about 60% of the way because it sucked, and I can't beat the last area of Creature, so that leaves me to talk a little about NitW and the emotional turmoil it gave me.

Upfront, I'm not interested in games with heavy emphasis on story, least of all visual novels or whatever you want to call this game. However, I've heard mostly positive things about Night in the Woods here and there for the better part of the previous decade. That and the fact I got it for $0 convinced me to finally try it out.

Night in the Woods is an adventure focused on exploration and character drama. Mae Borowski, the protagonist, is a college dropout that just moved back to her Rust Belt hometown for mysterious reasons, and becomes entangled in suspicious happenings. The player will traverse the aged suburban sprawl and rural outskirts of Possum Springs, conversing with family, friends, strangers, and everyone else, uncovering secrets and opening wounds along the way.

Seeing as how Night in the Woods is primarily a story, I'll mostly be discussing that, so look out for spoilers, yo.

After spending two years away, Mae attempts to reconnect with her previously closest friends Bea (an idealist goth whomst had considerable familial and financial responsibility thrust upon her at a young age), Gregg (an anarchist punk with bipolar tendencies), and Angus (an incredibly nice man). Mae pushes the story forward by hanging out with Bea and Gregg, and sometimes Angus. This will often involve going to social outings, running errands, committing crimes, and so on.

Other than her friends, Mae will also have opportunities to interact with her parents, various citizens, and vagrants. whom provide flavor and history to the world while also bringing some of Mae's muddled past to light. The player will traverse environments through walking and jumping around, with the occasional platforming feat required to progress or access certain areas. Occasionally, you'll be presented with small minigames, like a Guitar Hero-clone or red light/green light shoplifting, and a game-within-a-game dungeon crawler that pissed me off to no end. While most activities in the town are benign, certain important events will move the day along and lock you out of further exploration.

Early on, Mae's group stumbles upon a discarded arm and some cryptic dialogue from a few characters. After each day, Mae experiences strange dream sequences that involve platforming segments and surreal representations of her friends and the town. Several hours of gameplay later, Mae witnesses a kidnapping on Halloween by what appears to be a ghost.

In the midst of all this, Mae hangs out with her friends and discovers what they've been up to in her absence. Bea runs the family business for her father, who broke down after her mom died, putting them in dire financial straits and preventing Bea from leaving Possum Springs; she bears resentment towards Mae, since she dropped out of college and came home for no apparent reason while also not maturing at all. Gregg is aimless, sporadic, and uninhibited, while his boyfriend Angus is neat, tidy, and overly helpful. Their relationship appears strong, and they are planning to move to a new city together, though Bea is convinced it won't last.

Mae does her best to strengthen bonds while suffering from a variety of stressors, like her family's money troubles, her self-destructive tendencies and dissociative episodes, and ominous celestial beings invading her mind. This sometimes leads to inadvertent and painful social situations, especially with Bea.

Mae attempts to investigate the supposedly supernatural happenings with the help of Bea, Gregg, and Angus, while her mental health steadily declines. Eventually, the group travels deep into the woods (at night) and stumble into a cult, after which Mae suffers a great fall and enters a coma. After waking up, Mae then attempts to confront the cult head-on, though her friends arrive to help. They enter a cave, find the cult again, discover the eldritch horror they serve and explore her personal connection to it, accidentally cause a cave-in and trap the cultists, escape the cave, and try to make sense of what happened after the fact.

Now, don't get me wrong. I rather enjoyed Night in the Wood's story. I really liked all the characters. I loved the dialogue. Even the platforming and various minigames were fine, if simplistic and occasionally annoying. The structure of this paragraph seems as though it's leading towards a big 'but'. I just wanted to say that I really liked the game, even though I don't generally enjoy video game stories, and especially not video games primarily about a story. Though I'm not from a run-down midwestern town, and obviously don't have the same sort of personal relationships she does, Mae's emotional strife and insecurities really resonated with me. Her personal thoughts and reactions often made me just stop and think about the many mistakes I've made with the people I care about and all the relationships I've ruined.

However, if the plot wanted to spend so much time on Mae and her friends, it should have been about Mae and her friends. Conversely, if it wanted to be about a spooky cult in a small town, it should have spent much more time on a spooky cult in a small town. The plot is torn between two diametrically opposed focuses, those being Mae's struggles to maintain relationships and her dealing with suspicious supernatural occurrences in Possum Springs. So much time passes before anything really happens with the cult and cosmic horror that I feel some people might even forget there is a cult and cosmic horror, and Mae isn't just experiencing a psychotic break for no reason.

In the end, the cult goes unresolved, and it's unclear what the relationship is with the residents of Possum Springs, or what its powers even are. I don't need the game to explain every aspect in detail, but no one appears to be affected by the existence of the cult and its god other than Mae. My brain was going into overdrive looking for clues, making patterns, identifying red herrings, anything that might help me understand the mystery, when in reality there was no mystery to understand.

There is also a severe lack of actual choice or decision making in terms of dialogue, and a distinct absence of any real challenge in gameplay. I definitely felt that this story could have been more efficiently told if it were in a book, usually after spending a few minutes walking around trying to find something important and

It doesn't help that I sometimes accidentally skipped certain segments, since it's not always explicitly clear if an action will push the day forward and lock me in. I even completely missed a third of the investigations since I chose to check out the historical society building with Gregg second when the game expected me to do it last. This sort of problem led to me giving up completely on other story-focus games like Kentucky Route Zero since I constantly skipped and missed chunks of stuff or did things out of the intended order and ruined the flow of events.

Now this has obviously gotten a little too long, so I'll just wrap it up by saying that Night in the Woods is great and I recommend it. It made me feel feelings, deep feelings, like I was moments away from crying on more than one occasion.

Thanks for reading. I have a lot on my mind because of this game, so I hope it was worth your time.

[berrydoodleoo]

spring is in the world

Title from ‘since feeling is first’. Chosen with Luna in mind, who in this AU has defied her fate and is no longer confined to parentheses. Read more about the art here, or have a short fic instead:

In hindsight, she shouldn’t have assumed things were going as well as they seemed. She had no great experience in taking lovers, after all, having devoted most of her thirty-odd years to fighting the Scourge in one form or another. She had lost so much time, first to her injuries after Altissa and the coma that had swallowed her for years, and then to the terrible fear and lethargy that gripped her once Ardyn was dead and her purpose in life (seemingly) fulfilled.

Not to mention that Noctis and Prompto were Lucian, whose upper-classes still ascribed to all sorts of prescriptive rules about romance and marriage. She should have been more vigilant -- Prompto in particular still regarded Noct and the sunlit world with nervousness bordering on dread, as if they might be ripped away from him at any moment. So what if she had danced with Noctis and Prompto at the ball held for the New Dawn’s first anniversary last week? So what if she had kissed Noctis outside her room, when he very courteously escorted her to her quarters? So what if Prompto had given her a gift of watercolor paints and cold-pressed paper at breakfast, asking with a flirty smirk if she had a model for her newest painting?

And most of all -- so what if they had made plans to celebrate Noctis’ birthday with a trip outside the city, where they would sleep (hopefully together) beneath the stars (her first test of her new resolve to walk in the dark without fear). So what? They hadn’t said anything out loud, hadn’t made any promises. She shouldn’t have assumed. She should never assume. It was such a terrible risk, forgetting to be afraid. She should have known….

It’s when she lays her hand over his, resting on Noctis’ chest, that she realizes they’ve been having two separate conversations. “He’s here to stay, Prompto,” she says, pressing gently. “I promise.”

“I know, I know.” Prompto clears his throat, forces a rough little laugh. “It’s not that.” He sniffs.

It gives her an ugly jolt to see him so distressed. They’d only been watching Noct sleep, praising his handsome features and planning how best to tease him when he awoke. Umbra is snoring cutely at Noctis’ side and Pryna is probably still in the field, chasing butterflies. Everything had seemed perfect.

Prompto glances skittishly at her frown and then begins to babble. “I just, uh -- got used to checking, you know? Making sure he hadn’t stopped breathing or started bleeding inside or something. It’ll, uh.” He shakes his head, tries to pull his hand away. “It’ll be weird not being able to check, you know, but I won’t -- I mean, I know you two -- I won’t get in the way, I won’t make things difficult, I promise--”

“Prompto,” Luna interrupts gently, struggling to follow. “I don’t understand what you’re--”

Prompto rakes his free hand over his eyes, smearing the hint of tears around. “You guys are gonna be great, you know?” He smiles bravely, props his head on his fist like they’re still chatting idly and he isn’t weeping openly. “You’ve waited for each other for so long. I guess destiny can be kind after all.” He tries to smile.

But he can’t keep the bleakness out of his eyes, and it’s clear that Prompto doesn’t believe any of this kindness has been reserved for him. “Prompto,” Luna bursts out, fumbling, confused, “are you -- breaking up with Noctis? Through me?”

Prompto recoils, or tries to; she still won’t let him get away. “O-of course not,” he stammers, “we weren’t -- I mean -- not really, we haven’t, not since -- he wouldn’t lie to you like that--”

Luna untangles this with some effort. “Do you mean you two aren’t together?” Confused, she reviews their interactions from the past few days, and then from the last time she saw them, after the final battle. “You haven’t been -- Prompto Argentum, you two haven’t been refraining because of me, have you?”

Prompto gapes at her. She gapes back.

“You have!” Astonished, Luna leans back to peer at the sky. “Why in the -- Prompto. Dear, dearest Prompto.” She checks on Noctis, in case their spirited conversation has woken him, but he sleeps on obliviously. She’ll have words with him later.

Prompto tries to sit up, retreat again, and this time Luna tugs him quite firmly back into place. “Don’t you dare,” she orders, and he freezes. “Prompto, you and Noctis love each other. You’ve been part of each other’s lives for so long, have supported and believed in one another through the worst of--” She finds she can’t find the words to continue, and tries again. “I would never, will never, seek to separate the two of you.”

Prompto’s lower lip is trembling. Luna starts to shift forward, cup his cheek, and then realizes such a gesture might be unwelcome. Dear gods, she has misread this. Such a fool she is. She’d thought--

“Quite the opposite,” she finally continues, quietly, despite the cold terror creeping through her veins. “So long as the two of you have one another, I may have peace in my heart, for I know that one good, true thing prevails.”

She blinks back a sudden flood of tears. Perhaps they don’t want her. Perhaps she doesn’t have a place with them after all. She wants her room, suddenly, her safe, prison-like room, where nothing joyful grows but nothing can hurt her, either.

“But you guys have been -- oh.” Prompto blinks rapidly, and then starts to redden. “Oh. Is this a, uh, Tenebrean thing? Like the triad thing? Oh man, is this what Iggy was trying to -- oh, man.”

Luna can’t help it; she bursts into damp, semi-hysterical giggles, despite the icy shake in her guts. Prompto smiles up at her blurrily, and then starts to laugh as well.

“Man,” he says again, suddenly beaming, eyes still tear-reddened. “He is gonna give me so much crap about this. I am literally never gonna live it down. Wow.” He takes a deep breath and squeezes her hand tenderly, overwhelmed. “Is this really -- you might have to -- I am really oblivious sometimes, but uh, I guess you know that now.” He laughs again, edged, at himself.

Luna starts to nod, changes to shaking her head, and then feels hot, wet tears dripping down her face. She’ll feel foolish later. Prompto sits up, and this time she lets him, because he’s moving to lean closer, cup her face and wipe her tears away.

“Luna,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I misunderstood.” She presses his rough, large hands to her cheeks and feels herself crumple a little more. “No,” he continues. “No, please don’t cry. I can’t -- I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Luna takes a deep breath. She isn’t been rejected. You aren’t being rejected, she reminds herself. “No, no,” she says wetly, “I shouldn’t have assumed--”

She stops herself. She’s making an effort to reprimand herself less these days. She is trying so hard to be better. And in a fight for blame, she suspects she and Prompto could go round and round until the sun went down and never came up again, but that isn’t what she wants. For either of them.

Luna takes a deep breath. She refuses to start their relationship in a spiral of apologies and self-blame. She doesn’t want that anymore. She wants to open the door to a rolling world of yellow suns and indigo skies and, eventually, gentle nights that fill her with wonder and comfort instead of fear. She wants to let go of the fear and her desperate need for control -- she wants to be free, a part of the world for the first time in her life.

So instead of berating herself, she grips his hands in hers and lets their combined grip rest against their (still sleeping, seriously, Noct?) king’s chest. Umbra is watching them with interest, she notes. And then she takes another breath.

“Prompto,” she says, falling back on an old, formal proposal from a romantic show she used to watch, as a teenager confined within Fenestala Manor. “Will you grant me the honor of your affection and presence, and keep a place for me in your heart?”

Prompto’s lovely eyes widen, full of hope and delight. Pure sunlight. He’s grinning and she’s breathless. All further words fly from her mind.

His fingers squeeze hers as he leans forward for a kiss, and then another, tentative turning into playful, his smile slotting sweetly against hers again and again. Blindly, her hands work themselves free to touch his cheeks, his throat, the rasp of his short beard. He retreats for a quick breath, tracing her lips with hot, hooded eyes, and then devours her mouth in a kiss that raises her onto her knees, toes curled and body tingling. Oh, oh, oh--

“Hey,” Noctis grumbles, exactly like a grumpy cat awoken from a nap. “Uh, did I miss something? I thought we were waiting till my birthday.”

Prompto gasps, wrenching away. “That’s what that’s all about?” he demands shrilly, and Luna bursts into giggles. “The camping trip? Oh my gods, Gladio’s gonna kill me--”

Noctis pushes himself up his elbows, squinting and scowling with the sun in his eyes. “What? You seriously didn’t know?” He sits up, absently guiding Luna to sit at his side in a way that makes her heart warm. “Thought you were kidding about that.”

“--never gonna hear the end of this, crap--”

Noctis looks to Luna, about to ask something -- probably ‘what on Eos is happening right now, I was only asleep for thirty minutes’ -- but then his expression changes and he makes a wise choice of priorities. “Uh, Luna? Pryna’s after the cheese again.”

Luna yelps and Pryna yips, betrayed, and the dog knocks the picnic basket over in her haste to escape her mistress, wedge of cheese clamped firmly in her jaws. Prompto dives to catch her -- “I’ve got her!” -- but he doesn’t. Noct fails to catch him and he lands on their legs, trapping them. Umbra runs in circles and barks for the sheer, chaotic joy of it. Pryna devours her stolen prize. And in the sunlit field, with her loves bickering and playing at her side, Lunafreya laughs until she cries for the first time in her life.

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Done Pretending

Hi all,

I did a post-Per Manum ... I’ve had the quote ‘you and I are done pretending’ in my head for awhile and finally found a way to use it ... go me!

Anyways, enjoy :)

@today-in-fic

&&&&&&&&&&

He hugged her for what felt like forever, the light fading in the room as he heard her heart break over and over, thudding erratically against his chest, body hitching as a poorly contained sob snuck through her cracking exterior.

She had come so close to kissing him at first, lips stopping at the corner of his mouth, before they traveled over cheek to ear, “I don’t know what to do.”

Whispering back as he tightened his hold on her, “we’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

So, there they stood, until finally, Scully moved her head back, sliding it along his shoulder, “how are you doing?”

“Crappy. You?”

Sad chuckle burbled from her chapping lips, “I meant your back. You’ve been hunched over for,” looking at the clock on the VCR, “a good half hour.”

“Back? What’s a back?”

Pulling away, she stayed connected through fisted bunches of his sweater, not willing to give up contact completely but knowing he needed to stand upright or he’d never do it again. He took this correctly as a hint to stop playing the Hunchback of Notre Dame and slowly, he straightened out. His face showed every damn cartilage crack and screaming muscle and Scully couldn’t help but give him a frowning smile in sympathy, “would you go sit down, please?”

Mulder continued his stretch beyond vertical, leaning back as far as he could. twisting side to side, “if you were just, maybe, four, five inches taller or we had a set of steps or something, this would be so much easier.”

“Steps?”

“Yeah,” finally standing, wince clear on his face as his muscles finally began to calm, “I go down two steps, you stay at the top and I can hug you for a half-hour without dying.” Taking her by the hand, “come on. Let’s go find some stairs.”

“Mulder …”

“What? I’m not done with you yet. I need another hour at least.”

She loved him for trying, “how about we just order some pizza and sit down?”

Quickly taking her face in his hands, he kissed her forehead once again before she could swat his hands away, “make sure to order one of those useless veggie-tarian ones for yourself. I won’t say a word.”

Exhausted by her life, she gave him a sigh fitting someone much larger than her 5’ 3” stature, “screw vegetables. Tonight is extra cheese and as much sausage and pepperoni as they can pack on … and three-cheesy bread with at least four of those Ranch cups.”

Amused and terrified at the same time, “salad?”

“If you want me to throw bits of lettuce at you, sure, but otherwise I’m not touching it tonight.”

“You’re scary sometimes. I like it.”

Conversation gave her the distraction she needed to change into pajamas, toss Mulder some of his own from the stash she had managed to accumulate over the years, then listen to him order an obscene amount of greasy food. She made tea, a big kettle of it, knowing Mulder would consume at least half as well as all her ice cubes making it iced. She started a load of laundry and watered her last living plant. She calculated her half of the pizza bill and had a short argument with her partner when he refused to take her money.

Slow night for the pizza industry, their food arrived in under 30 minutes and once they were settled on the couch, steaming plates in hand, “are we taking tomorrow off?”

“Why?”

Mulder gave her a look, “this is food coma territory we are about to venture into. Just saying.”

And suddenly she started crying again, plate shaking in her hand, cheesy avalanche threating her lap. Taking the plate, Mulder set everything down on the coffee table and pulled her close once more, swiftly twisting so he was leaned against the arm of the sofa, Scully snuggled against his chest, sobbing into his t-shirt and kneading cotton between her fingers.

He didn’t know what to say so he cried with her, quiet but steady, until again, Scully was back down to random sniffles, "our pizza’s cold now.”

Mulder kissed the crown of her head, keeping his lips on her as he responded, “thank God you have an oven. Five minutes at 350 and we’ll never know it wasn’t fresh from Senor Jack’s House of Cheese.”

One long sniff later, Scully pushed herself up, using the back of her hand to wipe her nose, then, realizing what she’d done, “that was disgusting. Sorry.”

“Disgusting is what you did to my shirt.”

Glancing down at the large wet spot spread from collar to mid-chest, sternum to shoulder, “sorry.”

Tilting his head to look at her, wanting her to see the remnants of his own crying jag, tear streaks, bloodshot eyes, “don’t apologize. I’m not going to.”

She hadn’t realized he was crying as well and that filled her eyes once again, but blinking rapidly, she didn’t let the tears fall this time, “what was that about 350 degrees?”

He gave her possibly the saddest smile she’d ever seen, “are we going to talk about this at all? I’m not pushing, I swear, I just want to know.” Seeing her muscles tense to stand, he snagged the arm of her t-shirt, “It doesn’t have to be tonight but I’d like to at some point.”

“Can I maybe say tomorrow but reserve the right to change my mind?”

Still holding her in place, “for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

Her gaze drifted from enveloping green eyes to full mouth, before struggling north again, watching intently as he studied her, pupils expanding and contracting, trying to figure her out. She gave him a wannabe smile, corner of her mouth turning up a microscopic notch before she managed, “I’m sorry, too.”

&&&&&&&&&&

Pizza re-heated, crust still crispy, cheese melty as ever, they ate while watching Jeopardy, then Wheel of Fortune. At eight, stuffed to the gills and both yawning, Mulder switched off the TV, asking into the darkness, “are we secure enough in our sense of self that we can go to sleep at 8pm and not feel really, really, and I mean, really old?”

“Well, I’m secure enough to know that we’re both going to need a handful of Tums before any kind of sleep can happen.”

“We are fucking old, Scully.” Standing up, “back in a minute.” He was indeed back in a minute, a little less, actually, pillow, comforter, and bottle of Tums in his hands, “catch.”

Snagging the bottle from the air, she chewed three before shaking the same amount out for him, holding them up to his now empty hands, “three for the old man.”

With a grin, glad some semblance of her sense of humor remained, “you should probably just leave the bottle on the table.”

She did, then stood, opting to clean up in the morning. Eyeing the bedding Mulder had dumped on the couch, she hesitated, her thoughts race-stumbling over one another, squishing their way to an undistinguishable mess. Fingered the corner of the deep-blue comforter, she had words fighting on the tip of her tongue, which she inexplicably ignored as she told him a soft ‘good night’ and skirted by him down the hall.

Mulder’s eyes shut, breath in, breath out, his own words fighting for freedom, to be called after her, to be spoken like they should have been hours, years, centuries, before. Instead, he waited, hearing her brush her teeth, wash something, face, hands, he wasn’t sure, then, not hearing the bedroom door shut, he instead heard the creak of her bed.

Finally opening his eyes again, he took in the shadowed living room, dimly lit kitchen, detritus of dinner for two, and turning on his heel, moved to walk down the hall. He made it three steps before he saw her come out of her bedroom door, stopping when she saw him.

He didn’t care anymore, “why do we keep doing this?”

The denial response automatic at this point, “doing what?”

Mulder took the deepest breath he could, holding it for a second before long, drawn-out exhale, “this. All of this. You there, me here, all of it.”

Her clenched fists fought down the denial this time, “it’s how we survive.”

“It’s shitty survival and getting shittier by the minute.” Tilting his head, he let his eyes bore into her, watching the flush on her skin crawl from small spots on her cheeks down her neck, and around past her ears, the hall nightlight providing everything he needed to read her clearly, “I’m done pretending, Scully. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Her voice nearly failed her, she formed the words, which cracked as they came out, “what are we pretending?”

One pathetic chuckle later, head still shaking, “Pretending I don’t want to sleep next to you instead of on this couch. Pretending you don’t want me to sleep next to you instead of on this couch. Pretending that the only reason I’d like you to stand on some stairs is so I can hug you without dying. Pretending I haven’t wanted to be with you since three minutes after I met you. Pretending that I’m not dying just as much as you are about our child not being inside you right now. Take your damn pick.”

“Mulder …”

About to start bawling all over again, he bit his cheek, realizing his confessions had escaped the confines of his mind, “what?”

“Why are you still standing over there?”

His legs wouldn’t budge, rooting to the spot, needing a question answered before he moved his life forward, “are we done pretending?”

Eyebrows scrunching, lips a tight line of fear, she nodded, “I think we need to be.”

His muscles remember the act of walking and seven strides later, he was in front of her, “you need a place with steps in it.”

“How about we worry about steps later?” Smiling the smile of someone who’d been through the proverbial wringer several times in one day, she reached out, took his hand, “maybe we’ll start with forgetting about you sleeping on the couch.”

Because he was Mulder, he looked over his shoulder to do one last front door lock check before letting her lead him into her bedroom, “you got another non-crusty shirt for me?”

Ticking them off on her fingers, “I’ve got Power Puff girls, Brady Bunch, Tetris, or the one with the Easter Peeps.”

“This feels like a Tetris kinda night.”

“If that’s not a metaphor for our lives, I don’t know what is.”

“They get lined up eventually, Scully. I promise.”

Exhaustion hit her like a freight train and handing him the shirt, “I need some sleep, Mulder. Can we worry about our puzzling lives tomorrow?”

Exchanging one shirt for the other, he headed to the opposite side of the bed, pulling comforter back, “as long as we can order some more pizza while doing it.”

She gave him a curt nod that made him smile, then silence settled while they did, shifting, pulling covers, straightening pillows, giggling once on Scully’s part when Mulder’s cold feet hit hers. Once quiet, comfortable, Scully slowly reached across the expanse between, 14 inches feeling like a mile, stopping when her fingers reached his cheek, “I love that you wanted this child just as much as I did.”

His hand drifted across the same expanse, palm on her cheek, closing the circle between them, “I fell in love with the idea of him the moment you asked me.”

Fingers to his lips and endlessly tracing, “I fell in love with the idea of him three minutes after I met you.”

“I love you.”

Scooting forward, she breathed her ‘I love you’ back, running firmly into his chest, arm up and over his side in a hug.

Tetris, my ass. They’d fit together perfectly from the beginning.

[doc-pickles]

all roads they lead me here

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

“Hey it’s Alex, leave me a message or whatever.”

“Alex, it's Jo. I just talked to your mom because you weren’t answering my calls and she said she hasn’t seen you or heard from you in awhile. So… please call me back. I just need to know you’re okay. I love you.”

“It’s me. It’s just been… A really long day and all I really want to do is curl up in bed with you. But you’re not here and you’re not in Iowa and I’m starting to worry that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Anyways I love you, please call me back.”

“Hi, it’s me again. Jo, you know your wife? The woman you married? I just… I’m worried about you and the longer I don’t hear from you the more worried I get. So please just call me back. I love you.”

“Alex, please pick up the phone. I don’t care where you are or what you’ve been doing. I don’t care if you’ve… committed murder or something. I don’t know, I just… I need you to answer me. If you’re not coming home I need to know so please just stop my wondering and answer me. Please. I love you, call me back.”

Alex sighed as he listened to the plethora of voicemails that Jo had left for him, her voice sounding more desperate the more messages she left. He wanted to call her, to answer one of her phone calls but he didn’t think it was fair to her. How was he supposed to drag her away from Seattle and everyone they loved to come to the middle of nowhere? How could he ask her to make that sacrifice when he was struggling to accept it himself?

As if hearing his thoughts, his phone screen lit up with a photo of Jo and him on their wedding day. Despite his doubts and worries Alex punched the green accept button and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Alex? Is that you?”

He only hesitates for a moment before letting out a sigh and answering, “Yeah it’s me.”

The relieved sigh and barely concealed tears break his heart as he listens to Jo on the other line. This was why he couldn’t go back, why he couldn’t face Jo again. Just hearing her on the other end of the phone was breaking his heart, he knew if he stood across from her and told her the choice he’d made that he would never be able to walk away.

“Oh my god, I thought you were dead,” Jo’s voice rang across the line, cries punctuating her words as she spoke a mile a minute. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt or in trouble or anything are you?”

“No… No, I'm okay. I’m fine I promise.”

“Good then where the hell are you,” Jo’s voice went from worried to stern in a flash, her tone almost scaring Alex as he listened to her. “I haven’t seen you in a month and a half and no one has been able to contact you for almost three weeks now. I thought you were lying in a coma somewhere so you better have a damn good reason as to why you haven’t been answering your phone.”

Of course she was angry, she had every right to be. If Alex were in Jo’s shoes he would’ve lost his mind trying to figure out where she was. But he wasn’t, instead he was lying in a hotel room thousands of miles away from Seattle keeping a huge secret from his wife who he normally told everything to. Alex let his eyes roam to the crisp white envelope on the bedside table next to him, Jo’s name in large letters across the front of it.

“It’s a long story, Jo.”

“Well start talking then Alex. I have been losing my mind here and I deserve an explanation,” Jo paused for a moment, her voice coming back clear and resolute when she spoke again. “If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it. I can’t keep sitting here playing back everything I’ve done trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

“Jo you haven’t done anything wrong, you could never,” Alex is quick to stop the destructive thoughts he knows are swirling around in Jo’s head. A deep pang of guilt hits him as he realizes that his lack of communication has probably torn her apart. “I’m just trying to figure some things out and… that might mean I don’t come back to Seattle.”

The line is silent and for a long moment Alex almost thinks that she’s hung up on him. Finally Jo speaks again, “You're telling me I didn’t do anything wrong but you’re not coming home? I don’t get it. Can you just tell me what's really happening?”

“I have kids.”

“I was going to-“

“With Izzie. She used the embryos and she has twins. We have twins,”

The all consuming silence from the other end of the line surrounds him once again. This time though, the pause felt like the heaviest thing he’d ever felt, the weight settling on his chest and taking his breath with it as he waited for Jo to respond to him.

“Oh.”

“Jo, I had no idea. I called Izzie before Mer’s trial and I was telling her all about you and then… then I heard them in the background. Alexis was singing some song and Eli was yelling at her to stop and I couldn’t not ask about them,” Alex let out a sigh as he ran a hand across his face. “They’re perfect Jo, god they're… They’re everything, the best of me and the best of Izzie. I have a chance to make this family whole, and I just hope you love me back enough to let me ta-“

“You have a family here too Alex! You have people that are depending on you and waiting for you to come home,” Jo was on the verge of tears and she yelled down the line, her voice trembling as she tried to get her point across. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or answer your phone? God Alex I love you but sometimes you can be so stupid. I’m looking up flights now, I can get there tomorrow afternoon.”

“No babe, I don’t need you to come out here.”

“Then tell me what I’m supposed to do! Because I’ve been sitting at home for the last month and a half waiting for you to come home and that didn’t do anything.”

Alex let out a sigh, his shoulders falling as he leaned back against the headboard of his hotel bed, “Jo I’m sorry but I have kids and I need to be here for them. I’ve already missed five years of their lives, I don’t want to miss anymore.”

“Then let me come out there Alex! If you’re planning on staying why won’t you let me come out,” the next pause that comes is from Alex as Jo let’s his silence answer her questions. “You really weren’t planning on coming back to me, were you?”

“Jo, please-“

“No Alex! You don’t just choose to end things without asking me! It's like the past seven years have meant nothing to you,” a steadying breath sounded over the line, Alex’s heart beating out of time as he listened to Jo. “You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that! So either you come home or…. Fuck! I don’t know. Alex please.”

Alex thinks he can almost tangibly feel his heart breaking in two as Jo cries out to him. He loves her, more than anything he thinks, but he has children and their faces pop into his mind every second of the day now. He can’t fathom leaving them after already missing so much of their lives.

“Were you even planning on coming back home? Or were you just going to ignore my calls until I got the hint.”

“I didn't know she would have my kids, and now that she does, I don't know how to look anyone in the eye if I don't stay and do everything I can to make this work, make this a life, make this a family,” Alex’s pauses to catch his breath, listening to Jo’s cries. “I never meant to hurt you Jo-“

“Then you should’ve told me! You knew for weeks before you left and you didn’t say anything. You just kissed me and laughed at my jokes and ate dinner across from me crawled into bed next to me and made love to me like nothing was wrong. But the whole time you were just counting down the days until you left without another word,” her breaths are unsteady now, Jo hyperventilating on the other end of the phone in a way that makes Alex want to forget everything he’s seen in Kansas. “I can’t breathe, I can’t do this Alex. If you’re leaving us just say it. Please.”

“Jo, I’m sorry-“

“Just say it!”

“I wish getting everything I always wanted didn't have to hurt you in the process. But I can't lie to you. And I can't come home,” Alex is forcing the words out, barely able to say them without bursting into tears himself. “I'm not coming home, Jo. I can't face you. I can't look you in the eye because I wouldn't be able to walk away.”

“And that doesn’t mean anything to you? Everything we worked for, every uphill battle we fought to be together means nothing now? Did you ever think I would go with you, no questions asked,” Jo takes a deep breath before finishing. “I get that you have kids in Kansas, but you have a family here too Alex and we’ve been here for years, we’re always going to be here waiting and wondering and… I have to go. I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

The line finally drops silent and Alex lets the tears he’d been holding back fall. He thinks he’s making the right choice, being there for his kids and giving them what he and Jo never had as children. But the pain and aching in his heart make him second guess his decision, if only for a moment.

-

It’s two days after his phone call with Jo when Alex realizes that he might have royally screwed everything up. His eyes follow Eli and Alexis around the farmyard as Izzie tells him about their life.

“We were actually in Tacoma before moving out to Kansas. Well, really it was just me but I was already four months pregnant by the time I decided to move,” Izzie let a chuckle out as Alex’s brain began to work overtime. “Somehow we made it though, I swear those two have been keeping me on my toes since they were in the womb.”

Alex ran back Jo’s words from their conversation in slow motion. He had played them over and over again in his head since she’d hung up on him but now he realized they might have a new meaning.

“If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it.”

“You have a family here too Alex!”

“You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that!”

“We’re always going to be here waiting and wondering.”

“I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

Sure she might have meant Meredith and her kids and the family he’d found for himself in Seattle but Alex knew Jo better than that.

“You know what I mean,” Izzie’s voice snapped Alex out of his daze, his eyes glassy as he looked from his hands to the blonde next to him. “You okay?”

“I uh… I think my wife is pregnant.”

+

It’s nearly 10 PM when a knock sounds on the loft door. Jo almost doesn’t get up from her spot on the couch as her fatigued body sinks into the cushions, reasoning with herself that anyone of importance has a key. When there’s another knock however, she begrudgingly drags herself up to slide the metal door open.

“Oh my god…”

Standing in front of her is Alex, eyes tired and hair damp from the near constant downpour of Seattle rain. She tries to ignore the suitcase at his feet, not wanting to get her hopes up when they’d already been so crushed just a week before when she’d spoken to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I walked away from you and from all of this,” Alex runs a hand through his hair, his gaze floating to the ceiling as he struggles to keep his composure. “I want to be here Jo, you mean everything to me.”

“How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to let you back in when I know you were about to leave me without a word,” she’s begging herself not to cry right now, she’s done enough of that in the past week. But her stupid hormones bring tears to her eyes that she tries unsuccessfully to blink away. “Alex, you were ready to walk away from everything we’ve built without so much as a goodbye!”

“I know but-“

“But what?! Izzie sent you back home? Your conscience suddenly crawled back into your body after taking a two month vacation,” Jo’s voice rises as she stares Alex down. “What do you think you could possibly say that would make this better?”

Alex takes a step forward and Jo can’t bring herself to step away from him. Her mind is swirling, tears stinging her eyes as she meets his gaze, “Jo, I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry doesn't fix everything Alex.”

There’s a quiet moment between them as they stand mere inches from each other, eyes locked but no words exchanged. Alex does look remorseful, like every decision he had excluded her from is finally weighing heavily on his shoulders.

“I’m not going back to Kansas. Well, I’m not staying there at least,” Jo blinks up at Alex, waiting for him to continue before she says anything else. “I love my kids, god they're perfect, but that’s not where I belong. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that, I’m sorry it took you yelling at me to realize that because it just confirmed that I should’ve talked to you as soon as I found out.”

Alex takes another step forward, his chest almost touching hers as his hand comes up to cradle the curve of her stomach that one of his old shirts had hidden. In the month and a half that he’s been gone Jo’s figure had curved outward significantly, the baby bump now noticeable no matter what she wore. She’s not sure how he’d figured it out, but the simple act breaks the flimsy hold she has on her emotions. Instead of the tears she’d become so used to though, Jo finds herself overwhelmed with anger as she pushes away from Alex.

“If this is why you're back you can turn around and leave again.”

"It's not…. Well it is but it's not the only reason."

"Alex!”

“Just listen please. I'm not back because we're having a baby, I’m back because you being pregnant made me realize how stupid I was being when I decided to move to Kansas. Eli and Alexis... They're amazing, but they were amazing before I got there too. And I don't want to be a dad without you by my side. I want it all with you Jo and I know that might be hard to believe right now but-“

Before Alex finished his statement Jo had launched herself into his arms, tears staining his shirt where she had her face pressed against his chest, "I'm still pissed at you but these stupid hormones all telling me to give you another chance.”

“Thank god, I didn't have a backup plan if you kicked me out again.”

"But,” Jo leaned up and fixed Alex with a serious look. "This is your last chance. If you EVER screw up this badly again…”

“I won't.”

Jo leans back, pressing her lips to Alex’s as she pulled him into the loft, “Welcome home.”

[aesthbaby]

Attention pt. 2

Summary: After being the unsub’s latest victim in a joint case with the BAU, you see what was missing. Nothing’s ever been clearer and all it took was being rendered unconscious by an unsub in front of your girlfriend and her entire team. 

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x Plus!size reader

Prompt: Check part one

Warnings: cursing | kissing | injury | mentions of a fictional case | poisoning

Word count: 2719

Masterlist

An: I’m pretty sure you can read this as a stand alone if you wanted to but here’s part one. Also, I’m sorry this took me 2 months to publish.

The moon is brighter than the sun? No I’m pretty sure the sun is. What’s wrong with me? Why does my head hurt?

You attempt to reach for your head but your arms are too heavy to be of any use. 

That’s definitely not the moon.

The light source is moving. It’s a flashlight, the pocket sized one.

“Stay with us.” You hear a jumble voice from behind but can’t make out who it is. “We’re almost there.” The light is too bright but you can’t bring yourself to say anything. It hurts. “No, no stay up. We’re almost there.” It’s Emily, and she’s the source of the blinding presence. “Can you sit up for me?” You’re saying yes but nothing seems to come out and all you feel is fatigue. Your body is leaving this earth.

And there she is, yelling your name as its being drowned out by the darkness that’s enveloping you.

~~~~~~~~

“Hey!” Emily shouts from the stairs. “Stop day-dreaming and help me.”

“Help you? What’s going on?” The ground feels unsteady but the scene looks familiar.

Emily sets the box of towels on the counter top. “What?”

“Where am I?” You start to examine your hands, wondering what in the holy hell is happening.

“Babe,” The nickname gets your attention immediately. “Are you okay?”

“Emily,” She places a hand on your forehead.

“No fever.”

“Emily, I’ve already done this.”

“What do you mean?” She laughs. “We’ve been at this for hours. You have may more stuff than you let on. Plus, if we’ve ‘already done this’ I wouldn’t have had to tote all of these boxes by myself.”

A ‘sorry’ almost rolls off your tongue but it doesn’t make a sound. “No, Em I’m being serious.”

She plops down on the white arm chair and let’s out a huff. “Fine, you got me.” At your confused expression, she continues. “We’ve been here before, atleast you have. Three months ago you moved into this apartment with the love of your life, Emily Prentiss.”

Barely managing a stutter, “You’re not Emily?”

“Yes. Well, not exactly. I’m your version of her.”

“Am I-” You swallow the lump in your throat before saying the next part. “Dead?”

“What?” She smiles. “No. Just sleeping. A deep sleep at that.” She mumbles the last part.

“What happened? Why am I here?” You Can feel the panic and dread starting to set in. “I want Emily. I don’t want to be here.”

“Woah.” The brunette stands from her seat. “Calm down, you’re okay. Just take it easy.”

“Easy?” Now the anger is starting to boil. “I’m in a fucking coma with a fake girlfriend and you’re telling me to ‘take it easy??”

“Hey, look at me.” When you don’t move to look at her she gently takes your head. “You’re not in a coma y/n/n. You’re just sleeping.”

A tear starts to wellup in your eye. “But what does that mean?”

“Do you remember why you went to work with me today?”

“Uh,” You trail. “I think it was for a case.”

“Right, but why were you there?”

“Emily mentioned me to Hotch a year ago, about how good of an agent I am. That was before we were together.”

“Right,” She nods while doing that lip biting thing. “But why?”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘why?’ I don’t know why.” You begin to pace the shared loft. “I thought she was just putting in a good word for me.”

“Y/n, you know there’s more to it than that.”

You stop your movement and turn to face her. “Then tell me, you know!”

“No I don’t. I told you in not really her; I’m your version of her. I only know as much as you know.”

You slowly sink down on the plush couch. “I want Emily. I want the real Emily.”

“Then go to her.” She sits beside you and lays a gentle hand on your knee.

“How? I don’t even know why I’m here or what’s going on with me. I just want to go home.” The tears are staring again but not falling.

“Yes you do. Come with me.” She stands and holds out a pale palm to you. Hesitantly taking it, she leads you to your bedroom door. “Are you ready?” As soon as she sees you nod she opens the door and a bright light pulls you both in.

“Em, where are we?” In front of you is the bed to which you’ve been sharing for months now. On it is Emily in one of your big t-shirts on the phone with someone. “Wha-”

“Wait,” Your artificial Emily whispers.

The closet door opens and you step out in the new pajamas she bought you. “You look good.” She smiles with the phone away from her ear.

“Who is that?” You mouth as you crawl into bed with her.

“Hotch.” The classic toothy smile is on display as she replies. “Yes! Sir— I’m sorry but I- no we do not. Okay thank you.”

“What was that?”

“Hotch was asking for my input on the new trainees.”

“And....?”

“I did a thing.” She drags.

“A thing?” You arch your eyebrow.

“Yes.” She moves to straddle your lap.

“What was it?” Her lips on your neck completely scrambles your brain. Effectively making you forget what you were asking.

“What is this? I barely remember it.” You turn to face your rendition of Emily. All you get is a shrug in reply from her. “She wasn’t actually talking about trainees, was she?” Another shrug. “I’ll take that as a no. Was she talking about the poisoning case?” Silence. “She recommended my department to help with the murders.”

“Finally, but you still don’t know why.”

“Do I need to? Why does it actually matter.”

“Come on babe,” She brushes a hand down your arm. “I know you’re smarter than this.”

“Since when do you call me ‘babe?”

“We’ve been over this, I’m not Emily. I’m your version of Emily and apparently you subconsciously wish she’d call you more pet names.”

I’ve never thought of it like that...

“I want to show you something else,” She gestures to the bathroom. “Pay attention this time.” As she leads you through the door you can hear your past self speaking.

“She told me I have a weight problem with a god complex intertwined.” You huff from the bathroom mirror.

“Who?” Em is sitting on the edge of the bath moisturizing.

“That bitch I work with!”

“The same one who asked if Africa was a country?” She scrunches her face up in a disgusted twist.

“Yes! Who says that to someone?”

“Yeah how did she get into the academy anyway?”

“Privilege, both Pretty and Rich.”

She lets out a scuff. “That cannot be real.” You turn to her with a confused look. “Pretty privilege.”

“It’s very real and you clearly have it.”

The brunette stops dead in her tracks. “What?”

“You’re gorgeous Em, and you have been appointed more opportunities for it.”

“I’d like to think differently....” she trails.

“I’m not saying you haven’t worked hard to get where you are today but your looks have pushed you a bit further than the rest of us.”

She’s silent for a bit, to the point where you start to worry that you’ve done something wrong. “Then what does that make you?”

You place your towel on the rack and turn to face her again. “What do you mean?”

“You have the looks, charm, and brains. Do you consider yourself to be ‘privileged?”

Completely bipassing the question, “You think I’m pretty?”

“Was that not obvious before? I practically drool whenever I look at you.” She’s as sincere as always but your eye rolls says you don’t believe her. “I know how you can get trapped inside your head sometimes, but I want you to know that I do not share the opinions you have of yourself. You look at yourself and dismiss your beauty while I embrace it. You’re always doubting your intellect when I find myself wondering how I got so lucky to fall in love with a female version of Spencer.” Your small smile morphs into a laugh at the Spencer mention.

“I can’t stand it when you go all soft on me.” Hearing Emily say stuff like this always surprises you because she’s not really the type of person to confess all of this first. It’s usually you who has to adress your emotions as a couple.

“Only for you.” She leans up and plants a kiss on your cheek.

As the memory fades you turn to the consciousness you’ve been talking to. “Shit.”

“Yup.” She draws.

“The reason she didn’t see my connection to the victims is because she doesn’t see that side of. She doesn’t see me as her ‘Plus-Sized Girlfriend.’ She only sees me as her girlfriend, no other labels attached.”

“So, you get it? Do understand why?”

“I get it now.” A tear teeters on the edge of your eyelid. “Yeah, I get it.”

She snakes an arm around you, effectively pulling you into a tight hug. “Are you ready now?” She even smells like your Emily, the memory making the tear fall from your eye. “Remember what I showed you, okay?” Before you can respond a warm light envelopes you.

It makes sense now, she recommended me for the case because of my abilities, no because we’re together or she wanted me to get ahead. She has a blind spot that’s blocking a good chunk of her perception of me. She couldn’t have known I would’ve been targeted. The unsub could’ve been watching me way before I got involved. There’s still a bunch of holes in the case but this is the best you’ve got. Please remember all of this before you wake up.

Your eyes are heavy again. The room feels cold but warm at the same time. Trying to peak out of one eye proves more difficult than it seems. The blinding light of the room is overwhelming, it’s like white ice. Now I’m not making sense. You try to cry out for someone, anyone, but the words die off on your dry lips before they can formulate. “Hey,” You hear a voice softy call from the other side of the room. A tender hand plants itself on your knee, making you flinch a bit. “Glad to see you awake.” Why do I know that voice? In front of your barely open eye is a blonde blob; as your eyes began to focus you realize it’s Jennifer.

As you try to master a hey all that comes out is a low croak. “Its okay, don’t try to speak just yet.” Everything in your head feels fuzzy but the only thing you’re able to think about is Emily. A hum that barely resembles an ‘M’ boils out your vocal cords.

“Emily?” She clarifies on your behalf. A small smile breaches your features. “I’ll go get her and the doctor.” No less that a minute later you can hear her healed boots tapping towards the room. She rushes to your side, planting kisses along your forehead. The doctor does her round of intake on your body with Emily glued to your side.

“Agent y/l/n should make a full recovery so long as the healing process goes as planned.” Was all you managed to absorb as she explained the aftercare plan for you. All of this while JJ is in the background putting the pieces together. She had a feeling Emily was seeing someone but had no idea that someone was you. The way she’d been acting since you collapsed in the office made her also connect the dots. Emily explained her concerned behavior as a long friendship you two once had. Everything was starting to make sense now; you’re the one person who could break Emily’s walls and tear down this compartmentalization bullshit she has going on. Not wanting to impede on what she can only assume is a private moment, she steps out of the room to inform the rest of the team.

“Are you okay?” It’s like she wants to cry, scream, ball her eyes out but all of that built up emotional strain won’t allow her. Instead of letting her do this to herself, you try your best to shift in the bed. “What are you doing?” You didn’t get very far but now there’s an empty space beside you. Motioning for her to lay next to you actually works. With both of you in the annoying small hospital bed you can hold her closer, feeling the quick heart beat. The brunette head of hair in nuzzled in your chest so not to interfere with the tubes and wires still attached to you.

Taking a deep breath and just enjoying the moment, you finally speak. “I’m okay. I mean I feel like I swallowed sandpaper but I’m okay.” You can almost feel the sigh release from her chest.

“We still have no idea how you were poisoned or why you were targeted.” Her jaded voice is always never this emotional, it’s strange to hear her so vulnerable. “For the smartest minds of the FBI we feel a little stupid.” The laugh the bounces around in your throat is painful, still welcomed. “Baby,” She starts after a moment of silence. “If I have realized the connection between you and the victims, I wouldn’t have let you work this.”

“You didn’t know,” You have no idea where this is coming from but something in the back of your mind is telling you to explain it to her. “You don’t see all of me, Em.”

She sniffles and buried herself deeper into you. “When I look at you, all I see is you. I don’t see your weight or your figure, I only see you. My girlfriend. You’re right, that’s the problem. I’m only seeing part of you. Not all of you. I don’t deserve you.” She moves to stand but you quickly pull her back in before she gets the chance.

“You can’t run from this, Emily. I understand that you didn’t do this intentionally.”

“My actions- blindness almost costed you your life. I can’t put you in danger again.” When she pulls away you let her go this time.

“Emily. You’ve ran away from your own shadow before, aren’t you tired?”

“If it means keeping you safe, I’ll file a fucking restraining order!” She nearly yells.

“Don’t do that. Everytime you fuck up you get that look in your eye like I’m going to break up with you or something. I’m not. I know you’re waiting on the other shoe to drop but I promise it’s not. All of those other guys you’ve been with? I’m not them. Big difference is that I’m female and a lot more mature. I’m also not as psychotic as he who shall not be named.” A small smile breaches her features. “I love you. Rather you like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”

“Oh really? Wait until Garcia finds out I’ve been hiding this from her. She’s going to wanna know all about you. You’ll definitely be invited to the next girls night.”

“I don’t mind.” You shrug. “But seriously, how did I get poisoned?”

“The forensic team is still searching our place, nothing yet but you know they like to take their sweet time with cases. I’ve obviously be recused from the case while the rest of the team works with the CDC and the Anti-terrorism division. We also have agents and Unis posted outside the room and hospital so the Unsub has no chance of coming after you again. Even an added air filter so he has no vent system.” She waves towards the attachment on top of the existing air vent. No wonder the air smells so crisp in here.

“Sounds like I’m in good hands.”

“You are, just wish I could be out there with them.”

“You’re right where you need to be, right where I need you.” You stretch your arms out to her like the way a child does.

She laughs at the gesture but complies. Instead of squishing into the small bed she drags the chair to the side of your bed, firmly clasping your hand in her’s.

Welcome to  the tag list. Click here to be added or send me an Ask.

@beyondprincess  @millipop18 @supercorp8388 @groovygoob @emilyprentisswife @covetedcoven @justaghostmonument @rabid-wild-misfits @nomit16 @afuckingshituniverse @mys2425 @fanfictionfangirl04 @aaron-hotchner187 @lisztomaniacalice @thestrawberrygirl @penelope-garciasbitch  @criminalmindsmoodrn @ssacandice-ray @davidrossiismydad @blakes-dictionxry @ssaemxlyprentxss @andreaxxg13 @emilyprentissistoocute @mortallythoughtfulgurl @iamyouknow-yours @emilyprentissistoocute  @gubler-s-whore @thr33l3afclov3r @ssa-prentissinred​ @tnoh13  @im-hella-bright @reids187iq @kaywritesfanficss @confused-and-really-hungry @amethyst09

If you’d like to be removed or was accidently tagged, shoot me an ask.

[neon-junkie]

you've mentioned before that you smoke *wink wink*, so could we get some hc's on what its like to smoke with some of the gang? nsfw or sfw?

i got u homie ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) gender-neutral reader, mostly sfw. headcanons include: John, Javier, Bill, Micah, Sean, Kieran, and Dutch.

everything is under the cut because of the obvious drug-use warning lol

---

John

John is the kinda person who claims he smokes when in reality, he had one puff at a party, panicked, then stopped smoking and convinced himself he was high all night.

Buys weed socks even though he's barely ever smoked; plays into the stoner trope a lot too. He doesn't know how to 'act' when he's high so he just follows the stereotypes.

If you ask him to smoke with you, he'll be like "Yeah, I know what I'm doing, I'll even roll for you," and then produces the worst joint you've ever seen.

BUT it's smokeable so who are you to judge?

Will probably big himself up, smoke far too much, then pretend like he's alright. Even if you question him on if he's actually alright, he'll just keep denying it and be like "yeah I'm cool."

Has the reaction times of a snail. You'll mention something to him and 10 minutes later he'll carry on the conversation.

John.exe has stopped working.

Will get munchies galore and probably starts asking you about aliens and all that generic shit.

He loves a cuddle, mostly because you won't be able to see his ghost-white face and mock him for being irresponsible with drugs.

If he's not in too-much of a state then he may try and come onto you, which usually means rutting his cock against your ass whilst he spoons you, and then cumming in his pants before he can actually do anything with you...

Javier

Knows how to roll and always offers how to roll; He sometimes gets carried away and tries making cross blunts and all those pretty, smokeable things.

Very laid back, encourages you to smoke whatever amount you're comfortable with, and he'll do the same.

He'll seem completely normal until you ask him to do something basic like play his guitar, and then you'll realise how fried his brain is.

No, he can't play his guitar whilst high... He'll probably pick it up and get ready to play but he can barely strum a note, his brain just shuts down and he'll sit there, zoned out, until you call his name.

He's really hooked on theories about the chupacabra so you'll hear him talk about that myth a lot, along with a handful of other theories and conspiracies.

On the odd occasion that Javier is stable enough to cook, he'll make the best stoner meals out there, mixing things that probably shouldn't work together but do simply because he cooked it.

Gets a bit touchy-feely, like he'll want to play with your hair or the buttons on your shirt, or just have you cuddle up to him whilst you both vibe together.

Don't be surprised if he kisses your temple or cheek often whilst gushing about how much you truly mean to him.

He's really down to fuck if you are.

Bill

Cuddle bug :)

It doesn't matter if you're dating or not, Bill will end up snuggling you and oh god, he's the best cuddler you'll ever meet.

He's quite laid back when he smokes, but when he first started he'd get impatient on the short amount of time it takes to kick in, so he'd smoke even more and end up in a weed coma.

He doesn't want to do anything, just cuddle you and share some snacks, and he'll even feed you without asking.

If you're after someone snuggly and lazy to smoke with then Bill is your guy; all you'll do is cuddle, eat, and sleep.

He'll chat with you a bit but nothing too deep. Bill just wants to relax and vibe, no brain power needed.

You are going to have the BEST weed nap with him too, you'll feel like a whole new person once you wake up.

And you may feel something pressed against your bum as Bill spoons you. He'll be more than happy if you help wake him up.

Micah

Oh my god, he boasts that he can smoke ten blunts at once, but he'll get stupidly high off the smallest toke ever.

*has one drag* *voms*

On the rare occasion that Micah manages to get high without dying, he's just a horny bastard. Drugs as a whole have that effect on Micah, he always gets stupidly horny under the influence.

BUT if you choose to sleep with him, he'll start with trying to be kinky, and halfway through he'll just kinda forget that he's meant to be kinky and ends up making love to you instead. So, if you're already dating then this could be quite a tender moment.

So much pillow talk afterwards; he loves to get really cosy, urging you to snuggle up to him, nattering away at whatever you want to talk about.

He's alright at rolling so he'll roll another joint and share it with you in bed.

Will probably fall asleep on you whilst you're chatting away, and you'll wake up the next day to find Micah snuggled up to you. He wants to be cuddled but just doesn't have the confidence to tell you, so his body will make it happen instead.

Sean

You know those videos you see of high people doing really stupid shit when they're high? Yeah, that's Sean.

He looks high as well, gets really bad redeye, and gets gigglier than usual.

Very touchy-feely, in either a romantic or platonic way.

He wants to be cuddled, you need to be the big spoon and he'll sob if you aren't. But on the rare occasion, he'll just want you to snuggle up to him by the campfire, your head resting in the curve of his neck as he giggles with you.

If anyone else is around then Sean will perk up. He suddenly has 100 stories to tell at once and oh boy, if you thought his story-telling was bad whilst drunk or sober, just you wait until he tries telling a story whilst high.

He's actually really considerate to the other camp members; not smoking close to them, not being a nuisance, hushing you and himself to try and keep the noise down.

Munchies galore as well. Sean will prep before getting high, heading into town to buy allllll the unhealthy snacks so he can pig-out with you.

Please just offer to suck his dick, mid-convo. He'll go "ah, you took the words right out of my mouth!" and then turn into putty to your touches. He gets very sensitive.

Kieran

This boy is either the calmest being in the world, or gets really paranoid and almost whiteys.

Kieran has to be in a really calm setting with someone he fully trusts, meaning you. He can't smoke in camp, he'll get super skittish, worried that Bill will appear out of nowhere and finally snip his balls off.

He's relaxed for once, lying back on the bed and asking you to join him.

He's the type to talk about cliché things like "do you believe aliens are real?" and "I think I saw a ghost the other day but I ain't too sure..."

The conversation will then trail into deeper things, like both of your backstories and how you ended up here. Kierans sympathetic whilst sober but he looks like he's about to cry for you whilst he's high.

And he probably will. His emotions are heightened whilst he's in this state so don't be surprised if you over-hear him sobbing.

Will cuddle you without even thinking about it and then jump off you, apologising over and over for crossing a boundary. Just give him a cuddle and he'll relax again, maybe a kiss on the temple if he still seems a little shaken up.

Dutch

Probably the worst person to get high with. Ever.

Suuuuuper skittish, especially if you smoke with him from chapter 3 onwards.

Will ask you 100 questions at once about 100 topics at once. He needs to cover EVERYTHING, especially current life events and what the future holds.

If you notice him snacking then don't mention it, not unless you want Dutch to start sobbing whilst stuffing his face, telling you that "I can eat what I want! I'm a healthy weight, a little treat isn't going to hurt me, is it?"

But after an hour or two he'll mellow out, finally relaxing and realising how heavy his eyes feel.

I hope you weren't planning on sleeping in your own bed tonight because Dutch is going to fall asleep on you before you can even consider getting up and going to bed.

[backtothestart02]

Between the Speed Force and Me - 2/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: Chapter 2 here we come!! I hope you enjoy!!

...

Chapter 2 -

12 hours earlier…

Practically glowing, Iris headed back down the hall and into her bedroom she shared with Barry. Lazily, she approached her vanity and started to unhook her hoop earrings, setting them down one by one. She was just reaching for the clasp of her necklace at the back of her neck when she felt a pair of masculine hands cover her own.

Barry’s thumb brushed the skin just beneath her clasp, making her shiver.

“Barry,” she gasped.

He smiled warmly.

“Allow me.”

She pulled her hands free from under his and set them down on her vanity. She lifted her eyes to meet his in the mirror and found, to her surprise, that he was without a shirt. Her gaze spread across his broad shoulders, solid chest, and the way his hair fell over his forehead on his bent head.

It was too late before their eyes met, and she was caught red-handed checking out her husband.

His smirk made her weak in the knees.

The clink of the necklace hitting the vanity snapped them out of the trance they’d fallen into. Iris wanted to thank him but found her tongue thick in her mouth and her voice stunted in her throat.

Behind her, Barry sifted his fingers through her hair and gently tilted her head to the side. Then he bent his head again and pressed a kiss to the crook of her neck. Iris tensed and then shivered, melting into his arms as he closed the remaining distance between the two of them.

Feather-soft, he grazed his hands down her arms until he reached her waist and untucked her shirt, pulling it up and over her head.

“There, now we’re even,” he said.

Her eyes glittered.

“Not quite.”

Turning around, she unhooked her bra and let it fall over her arms to the floor.

His eyes were incredibly deep and dark when she looked into them again.

“Now we are,” she whispered.

A beat later she raised her arms up and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him down so she could kiss him. The kiss was warm and passionate, and she completely lost herself in it, a gentle moan seeping out of her.

Barry ran his hands down her back, softly growling as he pressed his covered growing erection up against her and cupped her ass cheeks in both his hands.

Iris’ nails curled into his shoulders in response, and deliberately she tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth, making him chase hers after she’d released him.

He grinned and rubbed his nose against hers.

“Naughty girl.”

She bit her own bottom lip.

“Want me to do it again?”

He grunted, his erection growing harder.

As if she read his mind, she reached for his waistband and began unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, sneaking her hand inside his underwear to release his hot, hard, pulsing cock.

She shivered again.

“God, you’re hot.”

He groaned, then kissed the side of her face.

“Look who’s talking.”

She smiled, then started to lower to the floor.

“Uh-uh.”

He stopped her, and then swiftly stepped out of his pants and lifted her up into his arms, making his way to the bed. He dropped her softly onto the bed and pulled her pants off as swiftly as he’d done his own.

Iris giggled, then abruptly stopped.

“What?” he asked, mildly concerned.

“What about Nora?” she asked. “You don’t think she’ll-”

“She’s probably asleep by now,” he said. “And you can be quiet…right?” He winked.

Her breath caught in her throat.

She would certainly try.

Both completely nude, Barry climbed onto the bed and hovered over her, practically heaving. He lowered his head to hers and kissed her passionately again, pushing the two of them into the bed.

Iris’ hands wrapped around his strong arms and pulled him closer, her fingers creating an imprint into his pale skin. She stuck her tongue into his mouth then, and he responded by pulling one of her legs over his hip and securing it at the small of his back. With his other hand, he ran it up her straight leg and squeezed appreciatively. Iris curled it around his waist on her own.

Barry’s cock as hard as Iris’ pussy was wet, he flinched when he felt his tip brush her moist folds.

“Can’t handle it?” she teased.

He barked.

“Can I ever?”

Sweat dripped down his abs, depositing on her slick thighs.

“Fuck me, Barry.”

The words always made his head spin, but he didn’t have to be told twice. Aligning his cock with her opening, he slowly started to press into her and then…

“Ouch!”

His eyes widened, realizing the exclamation had come from Iris. He pulled out immediately.

“What was that?”

“I- I don’t know…”

She scooted back away from him.

“It felt like a shock. Like, a static shock from your…”

“Yes, I know. I swear I wasn’t trying to-”

“Obviously, but what then?”

Barry felt a presence behind them before he could answer.

The speed force was fast, but in that moment he was faster.

Plus, she left the door wide open.

“Oh, my God, Nora,” Iris breathed, horrified. “You don’t think she…?”

“Saw us? Yeah, I do.”

Barry ran his hand over his face, debating what to do.

“Should I go talk to her?” Iris asked, instantly reaching for one of her thicker, opaque robes.

“No, no, I’m sure she just…wants to forget it happened.”

“You don’t think that zap was because…?” Iris let the question hang between them. When their eyes met, she glared. “I’m not sending her away so you and I can have sex.”

His jaw dropped.

“I’m going to go check on her.”

She sashayed past him toward the door.

“You better have clothes on when I get back,” she ordered, and then she was gone.

Barry huffed, then sat on the bed in the nude, and seconds later grumbled while picking out his pajamas. He was clothed when Iris came back, but he made no secret of his disappointment.

How could she just turn off her desire for him? He couldn’t turn off his desire for her. His erection was still hard as a rock.

“Nora’s asleep,” she said on her return.

“She’s probably faking it,” Barry muttered.

“Maybe you should’ve been faking it.”

He scoffed.

“My erection would’ve given me away,” he said, pointing to the now covered bulge pointing in her direction.

Iris refused to be swayed.

“Take a cold shower,” she said, and promptly got in her pajamas and then went to sleep.

Barry sat in shock for a while, then did as he’d been told and tried in vain to fall asleep after. It was not easy. He woke up frequently, and he was sure muttered curses towards Speed Force in his sleep.

…

The knocks that came on their doorframe shortly after breakfast the following day alerted Barry to his wife’s presence, but really, he should’ve known she’d be coming. His weird-acting factor was through the roof.

“Knock, knock,” she said. “Can I come in?”

He smiled weakly then tried to shrug it off.

“Of course. It’s your room too.”

She looked at him strangely and passed him to go into their bedroom. When she turned around, she was eyeing him with distaste.

“What?”

“You’re clashing.”

He looked down at his clothes.

“Oh. Right. Actually, now that you’re here, I was wondering if-”

She closed the distance between the two of them and smacked his arm.

“Ow!”

He pulled his arm out of reach, belatedly realizing the smack hadn’t really hurt. He frowned.

“What was that for?”

“You!” she cried, holding her hands up like she wanted to throttle him. “Why are you acting so weird?”

“What?! I’m not acting weird. Am I- I don’t think I’m acting weird. Am I? I’m not.”

Iris raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, ever so slightly enhancing her cleavage and putting Barry in pain, though she didn’t realize it.

“Okay, fine, it’s just…” He huffed, then whimpered and whined. “I wanted to fuck you last night, Iris.”

Her eyes went wide, and she turned away.

“Oh, wow.”

“Being in the speed coma makes me horny, okay?”

She gave him a look that told him she didn’t believe a single thing he’d just said.

“Bullshit.”

Abandoning that argument, he went for pure facts and desperation.

“You wanted it too! Don’t act like you didn’t!”

“I’m not!” she cried. “I did. But you can’t hold that against Nora. We shouldn’t have been having sex with a guest over anyway. I don’t know what I was thinking letting you-”

“Letting me?” His jaw dropped, aghast. “You’re the one who took your bra off, Mrs. West-Allen.”

“Don’t-” He raised his eyebrows and waited. “Don’t do that.”

The tension was rising. And much of it was unresolved sexual tension. He could use this to his advantage. Or it could backfire drastically. He had to be careful.

“What?” he dared, starting to walk towards her. “Should I not do thi-” He started to reach out to touch her cleavage, but she slapped his hand away.

“Not that, especially not that,” she spat. “Can you not help yourself or what?”

“No,” he growled, “I can’t. Not when every night since you’ve come out of the mirror we’ve had sex, more than once. I’ve gotten used to it, Iris. It’s become comforting.”

“Comforting,” she repeated dubiously.

“It has! Knowing you are you and feeling you in such an…”

“Erotic way?” she asked dryly, rolling her eyes.

“Well, yeah.”

“Get un-used to it then, Allen! Because sometimes we will have to guests, and in this case, a guest who is being hunted and who means a lot to both of us.”

His brows furrowed in confusion.

“I don’t understand why you’re so defensive of her. What happened while I was gone?”

“We connected. She loves you so much, and she was unsure of your love for her, so I reassured her, and you’re undoing all my good work!”

“She’s not my mom! And she’s coming in between us!”

“The only one coming in between us now is you.”

“Iris.”

“Here.”

She quickly sorted through his clothes until she pulled out a suitable shirt and pants.

“Wear these and get your ass to work. Unlike the people in this house, you’re actually needed there.”

“Iris!”

But Iris didn’t listen. She turned and went down the stairs.

Barry overheard her reassuring Speed Force with a little too much positivity in her voice and knew it would be in his best interest if he flashed out of the house instead of walking down the stairs normally and being forced to meet his wife’s eyes without giving their argument away.

But damn it all to hell, he would not be held responsible if Speed Force actually followed him to work.

...

*will be posted on AO3 or FFnet when beta’d.

[vee-is-crying]

Swear pt.1

~ Connie x Reader

Description: Connie is trying to adjust to a life without his best friend

WARNINGS: car accident, blood and death (please let me know if I missed anything) 

*reader is not in this part of the story, they will be in the next, but this part is for better understanding of the storyline*

It’s been months since her death, yet Connie is still grieving.

Sasha, his best friend, was in a terrible car accident six months prior. Connie was supposed to go out with her that night, to a popular club him, Sasha, and their other friends usually went to. But he was sick, not deathly, just a slight cold, but he just didn’t feel like going. So while Sasha was driving home extremely intoxicated after she refused any rides, feeling like a burden to her friends- Connie was sleeping soundly in the comfort of his bed. While Sasha was being flipped around on the inside of her car- Connie was tossing and turning from a fever induced nightmare. While Sasha became stuck in an upside down car, head bleeding, no feeling in her bottom half, trying to cry out for the pain to stop, begging for someone to help her- Connie was waking up from his slumber groggily to get a glass of water then fall right back to sleep. Sasha’s last concious thought was that she wished Connie came tonight, she missed him and wished that she had just called him to pick her up. Connie was slowly drifting back into slumber, wondering if Sasha was home yet, but he just decided he would check on her in the morning.

After the accident, Sasha was rushed to the hospital, the first responders holding onto the last signs of life in the youthful 23 year old's face. When they made it there, she went through so many procedures just to keep her blood pumping, but Sasha remained unconscious in a coma for three days before her parents finally decided it was time to end her suffering. Every single one of those days Connie sat next to her bedside, talking to her- or rather at her- about food, and the latest episode of her favorite cooking shows. When he couldn’t be with her, he was sitting in the waiting room, dreading that one of the doctors would come out and say that she was gone sooner or later. Jean, Marco, Mikasa, Armin and every single one of their friends came to visit at least once a day, feeling a feeling of responsibility for what happened.

But no one felt as bad as Connie. Connie felt such guilt that it physically started to hurt him. He didn’t care that the tiny cold he had the night of became worse, nobody noticed, they assumed the eyebags, headaches, coughing, etc. was from the sadness. But that wasn’t it, Connie’s body felt weaker, and deep down he knew that it wasn’t just from the grief. He wasn’t eating, nor sleeping. His mind was either racing or completely shut off, both scaring the boy. The lack of thoughts would make him dissociate. The mind racing would give him extreme headaches, as it every word- every syllable- hurt to think.

When Sahsa’s parents decided to take her off the life supports, Connie couldn’t yell and scream about how they couldn’t do that to her- to him- he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t even breathe. As soon as the doctors finally announced her death, Connie’s vision blurred out, his ears rang, and suddenly he couldn’t feel his body. He fell to the ground, shaking, but not able to move a muscle.

He didn’t show up to her funeral, being induced in the hospital days before from the exhaustion and illness he let consume his body. He wasn’t upset about the missing it. He knew Sasha would have hated it. He knew the specific way Sasha wanted her death remembered, scratch that, she wanted her death to be celebrated. Sasha had told him that she wanted there to be a feast. She wanted there to be her poppy, electric playlist to be blasted on speakers. She wanted people to laugh, not cry. She wanted her life to be celebrated, not just remembered.

Mikasa knew her wishes too. She also knew Connie needed someone as much as she did after this happened, so she stayed with him. She stayed by his side as long as she could. Sometimes she would talk if she felt like she needed to fill the clear void of the bubbly, food obsessed brunette that was always skipping around them. Other times she was silent, letting the void speak for itself, fill the air with memories. There was even a day they broke down together.

Mikasa sat on a chair next to Connies bed, resting her head on his leg and scrolling through her phone, as Connie was trying to follow along with whatever soap opera the hospital had on the small TV in the corner of his room. One of the characters had just done something utterly stupid, prompting a recently rare laugh from Connie.

“Hey! Sasha lo-“ his laughter died down, and he looked over to Mikasa, who had moved her head off of his leg, her eyes wide and her posture tensed. “Mikasa“ Connie whispered, almost in shock to see her instead of Sasha.

“Connie“ Neither realized it, but both had tears dripping down their faces.

“How could I forget?“ Connie asked breathlessly.

Mikasa tried to comfort him, but failed, causing a loud gasp before sobs racked the porcelain skinned girl. After hearing Mikasa’s cries, Connie feels as if he is suffocating. He tugs Mikasa over to him and into his chest and rests his head on her shoulder, which he realizes are bonier than usual. 

Not a word was said after that, both sobbing, sniffeling, silently begging for her back. They needed comfort, but who could comfort you after you lose your best friend? 

Now Connie sat at the desk in his small apartment, trying to focus on the work in front of him. He was anxious today, though he was most days, but today he was suffering more, with the loss of his best friend, it just brought up past feelings, feelings Connie knew all to well. The feeling of a gaping hole in his chest, slowly but surely consuming the man that he was before. He knew he needed to get better. Get better for her. Get better for himself. Get better for Mikasa and Jean and his boss, and everyone else in his life that saw him as a comedic person who never takes things seriously. That’s who he wanted to be right now. The old person everyone knew, the old person he made himself become. 

After no success came from staring at his work until his brain magically started to feel better, Connie grabbed his jacket, slipped on his shoes, and went out the door. He couldn’t care less about the food stains on his sweatpants and shirt, or the untied laces of his sneakers, or the fact that his eye bags were so prominent, you’d think he was wearing makeup. 

He couldn’t care less. So he left, walking, jogging, until he started running. He ran until his lungs burned, and sweat poured from him despite it being a chilly night, he ran until his face turned red and his heart felt as if it was going burst out of his chest at any moment. 

It wasn’t until moments later he realized that he ran to the middle of nowhere, also now realizing the phone he was so very dependent on was not on him. He thought he was screwed.

[chelseamount]

Enough About Heather! Part two

(gif by: @rafecameron)

A/n: PART TWO IS HERE GUYS! I hope you guys will enjoy it, please comment your thoughts it makes my day! thank you all for the support on part one. I love you all

READ PART ONE RIGHT HERE

wordcount: 3,3k+

Based on: Before you go by lewis capaldi and A little heather by conan gray but that was part one

Warnings: a lot of angst, fighting, crying, yelling, blood, considering of suicide probs more

---

Place: Outer banks

One year before the accident

Rafe's Pov

I fell by the wayside like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself

"dude you need to focus on something else than Y/n and JJ," Topper says to me as he takes a sip of his beer

"But look at them they think they're special or something" I scoff

"dude she's your best friend, besides they aren't dating and you know that"

"then why the fuck are they hugging."

"you and Y/n do that all the time you're just friends"

of course, he wouldn't understand, he never does it might be because no one knows about my feelings for Y/n, hiding them is better anyway. Cause Y/n and I have been best friends for longer than I can remember, but as we got older, I started realizing my true feelings for the girl that has always helped me through everything.

"I think I'm heading home," I say as I pick up my stuff

"But what about golf," Kelce says as he raises his arms in the air.

"another day," I walk away, but the sweet voice that I know so well takes over my mind as I hear her scream. I quickly turn around I am now greeted with Y/n in the water with JJ while splashing water at him, we get eye contact as she waves at me. I turn around and scoff.

---

Anger takes over me as I rush into my room, knocking my lamp over.

I sit down on my bed, my hands running through my hair.

"I HATE HER!" I yell as tears start to form in my eyes.

but who the hell am I trying to fool we all know that, that isn't true

---

One year later

Place: The Cameron mansion

Our every moment, I start to replace

'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

A setup that's all it ever was. I never thought it would go this far. Still, it did, I knew when I asked Heather to be my fake girlfriend it was a bad idea but what the hell could I do Y/n was always flirting with JJ, and I wanted to see how she would react, but I knew when I canceled our trip pretending it was because I had to be with heather it was a bad idea. But what the hell could I do? I knew if I went on the trip with her, my feelings would grow even more. But what I forgot was, of course, that she would speak with Sarah.

days after and here we are me about to walk into our mansion when I hear her laugh, and at this moment I forget everything going on that is of course until it all comes flooding back

'Heather emergency I'll pay you 100 just be quick,' and she indeed is cause ten minutes after she's here.

"What!" she asks as she puts a hand on her hip

"Y/n's in there."

"ugh fine, OMG Rafe your so funny" she yells

"shh, put this on" I give her my green sweater that I fully well know Y/n loves a dick move I know, but maybe that is what needs to get her to remember all our memories. After all, how can I forget that third of December?

'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

We start walking down the hall as Heather starts laughing loudly.

at the end of the hall, I see her and my sister pocking their heads out from Sarah's room

"Uh hi," I say

"Hi," Y/n says as she quickly looks at the ground

"Hi," Heather says.

We all look at Sarah

"I'm not saying hi," she says.

now I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't stop myself as I see the hurt in Y/n's eyes

"Could we maybe talk Y/n?"

"Sure yeah, let's," she says as we quietly walk into another room.

"What's up?" she asks as she looks at the ground

"Just wanted to hear how you are."

"uhh, not good, it kinda sucks being blown off by your best friend." shit

"I haven't blown you off." I have

"You have. I see Heather is wearing your sweater." shit, okay, Rafe; this is your moment tell her everything.

"Yeah, I gave it to her, she looks better than me in it anyways." FUCK ME! how fucking stupid can I be precisely what I said to Y/n that third of December

"I feel like I've heard that before," she says, and she's right, okay now you can fix this Rafe!

but jealousy from JJ comes rushing over me as I say, "Calm down, its just polyester."

"It doesn't matter what it is. You like her better anyway" she walks out of the room. "Sarah, I'm going home," she yells

"y/n wait" I try to stop her

"what the hell did you do" I hear the voice of my sister say behind me.

"I fucked up."

---

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won't

Place: The Dock

"no please Y/n don't close your eyes," I say as her beautiful eyes close the tears streaming down my face hits the ground as I try to stop the bleeding

"hello 911 what's your emergency."

---

Place: The Outer Banks Hospital

Time it's a thing that you sometimes can't have too much of in this case, that was just the thing, cause as the smell of hospital fills my nostrils, and the blood on my hands starts to dry, time stands still.

Cause I lost her and it's all my fault, if I hadn't hired Heather, we woudn't be here right now.

"Rafe" I hear a voice calling from beside me, I look over as I am met with my sister

"Sarah"

"What happened," she asks as tears stream down her face.

"Barry" I sob

"Barry, your fucking drug dealer, this is all your fault," she screams as she starts hitting my chest with her fists.

"Please don't."

"it is, you have always been the worst brother, but you got my friend shot."

"I didn't know it was gonna happen" I grab her wrist as I look her in the eyes

"Is she gonna be okay."

"they don't know that yet."

"no," she falls to her knees as she puts her face in hands.

Now Sarah and I have never been like normal siblings we hate each other, but at this moment we need each other, I fall to her level as I hug her. The tears start again as my body starts to shake.

"Sarah, I can't lose her. I love her."

"I know."

"no Sarah I'm in love with her" she freezes as she looks at me

"you," a male voice calls from behind us, but before either of us can react, a fist comes in contact with my face.

JJ

"you prick you got her killed," he says as we start to fight

"No, I didn't, you fucking Pouge."

"Guys stop," Kie's voice interrupts as she breaks us apart, "we need to be here for y/n."

"but he killed her, kie."

"no he didn't JJ Barry shot her, we don't know if she's dead, stop saying that"

"but what if she is Kie I can't lose her."

"I can't either you dickhead" I try to punch him again, but Sarah stops me

And with that said, a nurse walks out, making us all go dead silent.

"Miss Y/l/n is out of surgery, but she is currently in a deep coma we don't know how long it will take for her to wake up, or if she will, but we got the bullet removed, and we are pleased to say that the shooter has been caught"

"thank you, " John b says

"So, who's going to go see her first?" Pope asks

"Honestly I think it should be Rafe," John B says to my surprise

"What why he's the one that got her here in the first place," JJ says

"JJ it's barry's fault, Rafe, you should go in," Kie says

So, before you go, Was there something I could've said to make your heartbeat better?

"hi baby, it's Rafe. I'm so sorry that I put you in this situation, y/n I want you to be strong please, I can't lose you, not you. Anyone but you. I don't know if you can hear me, but the doctors said that there was a chance that you could, so I'm just trying okay. Y/n we have been best friends since forever and ever since I started realizing what feelings were I knew I felt that towards you, I remember when we were small we would always hold hands, and I would give you fake lollipop rings asking you to marry me, and you would always say in some years. Y/n I need those years. I need those years with you. You are what makes me wake up in the morning and what makes me fall asleep at night. And when I saw you getting close with JJ, I got jealous, and I hired Heather, and I know it's wrong, but y/n, please forgive me. Y/n, I love you, so please don't go okay. was there something I could have done anything to prevent this, y/n I want to feel your hand squeezing mine again or your lips on my cheek whenever you leave, I need you y/n please."

Why isn't she waking up she should be waking up why isn't it working why am I not waking up from a horrible nightmare by now why don't she squeeze my hand back

"y/n, please wake up... why aren't you waking up, y/n please" the tears fall freely from my eyes hitting her blanket while softly shaking her.

"Rafe stop, don't do that," Sarah says as she storms through the door "come here," and for the first time I think ever Sarah cares and hugs me like a little sister

"it's my fault" I sob

"no Rafe stop it, I didn't mean that."

"But you were right, what if there was something I could have done, to at least just make her stay awake for a little longer."

"Rafe, there wasn't this isn't your fault. let's go home okay you need to wash the blood off you."

"no, I can't leave her."

"Rafe, you need to go home and take a shower, and then you can return again, okay?" I nod softly as we start walking out the door

---

As the water drops runs down my body while the towel is hanging loosely around my waist all I can think about is that they are right this is my fault, what if I had never even started on doing drugs then she would be okay this is all my fault.

The drawer in the nightstand where my gun is at that's my only solution, right? If I don't have y/n, then I don't want to live, and the doctors said there was a minimal chance of her surviving, so who the hell am I kidding, after all, I did this.

As my hand comes in contact with the cold metal, all the memories come rushing back, right from the start to the end. As I lift my arm pushing the gun against the side of my head, the tears start falling again, but it's only when I hear the click signally the weapon was now loaded. I fall out of my trance, dropping the gun to the floor.

I can't just leave when things get rough. She needs me. and I need her

---

Time: a year before the accident.  

If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather. So, before you go, Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So before you go

your pov

A day at the pool sounded like a great idea when Topper laid out the idea, but now when I'm in my bikini looking at myself, it sounds like less of a good idea. My tights look bigger, and my stretch marks are more noticeable, not to mention my ass is not the best today.

Tears start to fill up my eyes as I sit down on my bed.

But before I can even wipe the tears from my face, Rafe comes through my door, smiling, but his smile falls as he sees the tears falling from my eyes.

"love what's going on," he asks with concern in his voice as he wraps his arms around me.

"it's nothing."

"it clearly is, y/n please what is it?."

"I'm just so ugly and fat a-"

"y/n y/l/n you are none of that you are the most beautiful girl on this planet, there is no one more beautiful than you. And I want you to realize that. when you smile, I smile, and you are not fat. You are perfect and beautiful, and you make me a better person, y/n I love you. You are the person I love most in this world, and you are perfect" he interrupts me, I start to sob at his words as I throw my arms around his neck holding him tighter than ever. all I want is to kiss him, but I know I can't, cause, after all, we are just best friends

---

Time: two weeks before the accident

Rafe's pov

Was never the right time, whenever you called Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all

I know what I'm doing is wrong. I should just tell her but, I need the right time and moment, and I need to think things through.

Cause I love her

"RAFE YOU PIECE OF SHIT, DID YOU TAKE SOME OF MY MONEY" here we go again with my father, but another day another fight right

"When will you understand dad, I didn-" before I can finish my sentence, my phone rings, I quickly see who's calling.

Y/n

"Dad, I have do take this," I say about to take it, but before I can press the button, he takes the phone out of my hand.

"the hell you aren't."

---

place: midsummers

Our every moment I start to replay

You know midsummers used to be a decent event, but without y/n by my side, I have realized how fucked it actually is.

cause with Heather now by my side, which cost me money, not a single smile has fallen from my lips, with y/n that was never a problem

---

"y/n please, I hate dancing," I said as y/n dragged me across the dance floor.

"yeah, but I love to so you have to" she smiled a smile that makes the whole room light up, a smile that makes everyone else around smile too. a smile that belongs to my favorite person

---

But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

"Rafe it's Y/n" Heather pulls me out of my thoughts

"shit do something," and she indeed does cause as her lips capture mine by surprise all I can wish is for those lips to be y/n's, I open my eyes and catch hers. behind the scoff she pulls, there is pain cause I know her better than I know myself and I know that I cause the pain

---

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, some can heal, but this won't So before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heartbeat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather. So, before you go, Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So before you go

Time: a month after the accident

Place: Outer banks hospital

A month a month has gone, and nothing new. I think people are starting to worry about me after I almost haven't talked to anyone, and I don't think I have left the hospital for two weeks.

Yesterday she stopped breathing for some seconds, and I swear at that moment my world crumbled into pieces, the doctors said it was normal. But holding her pale hand is hard, and not knowing if she's going to wake up is even more challenging.

"y/n, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can, I need to tell you something. If you're in pain, I want you to know that it's okay. You can let go if the pain is too much, cause you deserve peace, and if that is letting go, then it's okay, but y/n before you go, I need to say something else. I talked with Heather and, I found out that she is actually into girls, and she did it so she could impress the girl she is in love with. they're together now, so that's good, but y/n I never loved Heather."

Would we be better off by now If I'd have let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

"But I can't help but wonder if I had just told you how I felt, if everything would be better now, or if you would have been holding me too right now, I guess we'll never know. But before you go know that I love you. I'm sorry."

---

One week later and I'm still here, I heard the doctors talking today about her maybe not making it, but they can't just give up right.

Right?

Every night for the week, I have been having the same dream y/n wakes up, and then I wake up, and she is still not awake.

It's a pattern that doesn't seem to stop.

"Rafe?"

I can't take it anymore I can't go through it again.

"stop this isn't real, you aren't real please" my eyes stay shut as my hands pull my hair

"Rafe what happened, please open your eyes."

"no, it isn't real."

"what? I'm confused."

"you aren't awake; it's just another dream," a pain in my hand makes my eyes open quickly as I see y/n pinching my hand while looking at me.

"I don't think you can feel pain in dreams" she laughs a little, but before I can even think I swing my arms around her afraid if I let go she will be gone again

"your real" I sob as the tears fall down on her shoulder

"yeah," her hands find my hair as she hugs me back "I'm sorry it took so long, but I couldn't wake up. I tried to believe me, but I couldn't."

"it's okay at least your awake now. I didn't think I would ever hear you talk again."

"I heard everything, you know. I'm sorry if you felt like I was in love with JJ I never was"

"you heard everything?" I ask as we make eye contact

"yeah, and you wanna hear a secret" she moves up to my ear as she whispers "I love you too Rafe Cameron" I smile as the tears start to fall again, I hold her face as tears begin to fall from her eyes too, I move closer to her, and our foreheads meet.

"can I?"

"I would want nothing more, Rafe."

And even though it took years and a gun, our lips finally meet, as a new chapter of our lives starts but this time with each other hand in hand

"why did you hire heather? Why didn't you just talk to me," she asks as she breaks the kiss, but I quickly close the gap again, but of course not before I reply.

"Enough About Heather."

taglist/people taht commented last time: @queenieloveswriting​ @drewstarkeyobx​ @butgilinsky​ @obx-direction-sos​ @lotsoflovefromlea​ @prejudic3​ @wannabeactress​ 

[sup-hoes-its-me]

Amnesia (Levi x Reader)

A/N: so my boyfriend and i just watched attack on titan again in prep for season 4 in a few months. We both fell in love with levi all over again so i had to write a little story for our little captain. Definitely angst, and probably ooc bc levi is not the romantic type. enjoy.

word count: 5530

Although he appeared stoic, fearless and unattached in almost all ways, Levi Ackerman had a heart burdened with layers of  scalding emotion constantly burning painful holes in his heart. The loss of a childhood to violence, found-family killed in front of his eyes, comrades falling victim to this unfair world over and over again. He was a hardened man drowning in regret. 

Yet, he could never find himself regretting Y/N. She was a woman of talent and skill, grace flowing through her every movement, despite being a skilled soldier. Her voice, when he first heard it, the words she summoned from deep in mind; he found himself hanging on her every word, watching her every step. He often found himself wondering if she would make a mistake and let down some sort of facade, yet she never broke character. 

To some, she could be seen as ignorant, perhaps too trusting or even a bit self-righteous. She was far from perfect, but to him, for the first time in his life, he couldn’t find a flaw in what he saw. It seemed that he would do anything for her, even when no one knew why. 

And as he lay in his cold bed alone at night, rewinds of old memories played time and time again, each and every night. They ruined his life just a little more each time, driving him near mad.

This night was no different.

_________________________________________

  “Y/N-san, oh my god. Wake up, shit,” Reiner begged the woman who he held in his arms. One second his squad leader was flying through the trees, slicing the neck of a 13 meter, the next she was tossed into a tree, rolling through the branches to the hard ground with a thud, blood seeping into the grass from her head. 

Sasha noticed Reiner hunched over a body on the ground, not having seen her leader fall victim to a titan. Her eyes widened at the blood and quickly went to his side. She nearly passed out at the sight of the woman she grew to know as a family. Reiner was frantic, pressing against the back of her head with her cloak, trying to stop the bleeding.

Tears gathered in Sasha’s eyes, despite having seen death before. “She has to be okay.” The young girl whispered, choking back sobs in her throat. She said it mostly to comfort herself, witnessing deaths time and time before just like this one. Hope just seemed so useless nowadays, just mourning.

He held his hand over her nose and felt soft breaths of air. Relief  flooded through him for just a moment as he gathered her close to him. Her crumbling body was limp, and he felt her arm move in an awkward way, definitely broken. He made sure to support that arm, placing it across her stomach.

“She’s dying, we have to get her to the medics, fuck,” Reiner cried, lifting her delicate body carefully in his strong arms. He hugged her head to his chest, and as he did so, it seemed like pints of blood seeped into his clothes and stuck to his skin. He shot off into the air, but Sasha couldn’t move from where she knelt, body almost limp. 

What if she died? What would they do then? Sasha was pretty sure Y/N was the only reason Levi maintained his temper at times. She was the person Hanji ran to tell about her experiments and the commander's only surviving childhood friend in the corps. Sure, Sasha would be hurt losing a leader she grew to trust, but what about the veteran soldiers. It had been years and years since they met, and they got attached. That’s what happens when everyone else dies and it seems like you just have one another to latch onto.

Dread filled her heart as they returned to the carts and gave Y/N over to one of the medics, who pressed something to her head and popped in one of her dislocated limbs. He was so casual, she thought. Anyone would turn that way working with dozens of injured soldiers every mission. The casualty of it all made it all the more depressing, even disturbing. 

“Will-will she be okay?”

“Hell if I know,” the boy confessed. “But we all better hope so.” Even though he failed to explain, both the cadets knew why.

Soldiers began pouring out of the forest on their gear or horses. Some carried the dead, while some carried pride for what they had done. No one paid mind to that particular medic cart. The medic opened her eyes and observed her condition, but that only made Sasha’s heart sink further. She was unresponsive to touch, just a limp body, nearly dead.

Heads turned at the distinct sound of blades falling to the ground. Levi landed beside the cart after seeing the mop of h/c hair lying in the cart. His eyes flashed to Reiner and Sasha for a moment, seeing the blood soaked clothes and tear-stained cheeks. 

For the first time in years, Levi felt his blood run cold in his veins and his heart to stop beating in his chest. Pain stabbed him in the stomach, feelings of throwing up his breakfast arose. He opened his mouth to say something, but his words got caught in his throat. He gasped for air before muttering hopelessly, maybe to himself or the cadets or even the woman herself lying half dead in the carriage.

“Y-Y/N?”

“Captain-”

His voice was weak, full of pain and fear. “Shut up.” No malintent, just a desperate need for silence among the horses trotting along and soldiers rejoicing the fact they made it out alive. He walked over to the cart and climbed in, his normally firm and strong hands shakily hovering over the woman’s cheeks, gently wiping the blood  from her lips and eyes.

For the first time, the cadets witnessed complete and utter fear and helplessness overtake their captain, the emotions of a broken man leaking past his wall of bravery. 

In that moment, Sasha realized that Y/N wasn’t hers to grieve. 

“Y/N, please…” he whimpered, running his fingers down her wet, bloody hair. ‘“M-my princess, please. I need you, please.” 

“Captain, she’s not dead. We just need to get her back to the wall and-”

“Will she live?”

“I’d stake my life on it, Captain Levi. Don’t you worry,” the medic, one who had only really heard of Levi by mouth, lied through his teeth. He was just a trainee. He had no idea what would happen to this woman, but one thing he did know was that in times of need people need comfort, and sometimes white lies can ease the pain.

_________________________________________

Levi and Erwin stood outside the doctor’s office as Y/N sat inside being tended to by a nurse. The doctor shut the door quietly, and joined the two men in the hall. His eyes were solemn and regretful, not wanting to look up at the two incredibly powerful military forces before him. 

“Why was she acting like that? I thought you said she would be healed by now,” Levi grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“The blow to her head severely damaged her limbic system. I’m truly sorry to tell you, but she’s suffering from retrograde amnesia.”

Levi bit back an indecent curse, as Erwin spoke. “So, she can’t remember anything?”

“She still can function normally, but her memories are gone.”

“Everything?” Levi asked shortly, trying to stay calm. He hadn’t expected this after they’d heard of her waking from her coma. He thought that one month without her was long enough, but now it seemed the situation was much, much worse than any of them anticipated. 

“Unfortunately. She does remember a vague sense of the titans and the walls though.”

“What about people? Friends? Family?” Levi anxiously questioned, almost pleading with the doctor to say that she remembered him. Erwin placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and sighed.  The doctor shook his head, and it only buried Levi deeper in his misery. How could she forget everything? 

How was it right that she could forget the years they spent together but he had to live with the memories, all the emotions unreciprocated? It was cruel for fate to do this to him.

Erwin asked finally, “Is there any chance of her regaining her memories?”

“Perhaps. Amnesia, anything involving the brain really, is a tricky matter. My guess is not likely, but there is always a chance.” He sighed and pushed up his glasses. “Would either of you like to sit and talk with her? Being around familiar things can boost memory in patients.”

They walked into the room calmly, and the woman peered up at them, a small smile gracing her lips. Levi felt his heart jump to his throat, and he had to swallow down his feelings. She was rightfully so the most beautiful human being to ever walk within the walls. Her smile, seeing it for the first time in so long, it made him so happy. If only this was a happy scene, though.

"Ah! Finally some visitors. All I've seen is nurses and doctors for the past what? Five hours?"

“”Hello, miss Y/N. I am Erwin Smith, the commander of the Survey Corps as well as your long time friend.”

“Really? How did I manage to be friends with someone so distinguished?” she laughed, but in all seriousness, she didn’t know. “They told me I was a great soldier, is that true? If anyone would know, it’d be you.”

“Great soldier, but might I say, greater friend.”

Her cheeks turned just the slightest bit of pink at the compliment. She smiled at her blankets. “Thanks. Hopefully I get to meet more of my old friends soon. Seems to me like I was quite popular.” Erwin nodded, moving to sit down in the chair beside her bed, revealing Levi behind him. The man was quiet, his eyes dancing around the room without meeting her gaze. “I’m guessing you’re a friend too-”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Levi-” Erwin started, but Y/n cut him off.

“They told me about you, Levi! Humanity’s strongest soldier, even better than me,” she laughed, sending him a playful wink. He winced at the sight of her smiling at him, her cheeks just a bit red from happiness. When she winked, he thought he might drop dead right there. Her beautiful eyes, the sparkle that they always held; he wanted them to be his again. “The nurse said you would visit me every morning and night while I was in the coma.”

“Yeah. Do...do you remember anything else about me?”

“Not right now, but the doc says I can get them back at any time.” Always so positive. If only he could think like that too.

The shorter man took a seat at the edge of her bed, staring down at the ring around his finger, twisting it back and forth. The gold was dull by now, he hadn’t polished it in a few months. Her eyes caught sight of the ring and she held back her questions about it.

“So, your name is Levi…”

“Ackerman.”

“Hmm, I see. And we were good friends?”

“Partners.”

She raised a brow, turning her head to Erwin, who nodded to assure she was assuming the right thing. He was certainly a handsome man, but she couldn’t see how someone so bubbly as her could be with someone so serious and quiet. He didn’t even want to make eye contact with her.

Y/N leaned over the edge of the bed to grab a small drawstring bag. “The doctor put all my belongings in this bag. Let me just..” Her swift fingers rummaged around for a few seconds before they enclosed a small, smooth piece of metal. “I’m guessing this is from you, huh?” she asked, pulling the sparkly ring from the bag. 

They had her look through her bag earlier to see if it would spark any memories, to no avail. Yet, she remained curious about the ring. 

“It’s very beautiful, thank you for giving it to me. Do you want it back while I’m-”

“No. Please,” he paused, taking a deep breath. He found himself pleading a lot more than usual these days. It was just sad. “Can you just wear it?”

She slipped the ring on her finger without hesitation. “Of course. I’m sure I loved you very much before the accident, Levi.”

Loved. That’s right. She didn’t love him anymore. She didn’t even know him. 

“Were we married?”

“Practically, but there’s no time for a wedding with our work schedules.”

“I see. Well, it’s nice to meet you again. Hopefully we can become close again soon.”

He frowned, nodding towards the ground. How could fate be this cruel to him? He stood up from the bed and left the room before anyone could stop him. This whole thing, seeing her, it was too much for him. He didn’t want to see her the way she was, and it broke his heart.

That day marked the single worst moment for Levi, above all else. Losing the love of his life.

___________________________________________

Five months later, and a lot of shit happened. But of course, Y/N still couldn't remember anything. He couldn’t do a thing but sit around bitterly, knowing that his lover was lost to him. Others tried to tell him to build their relationship again, but what was the point in that? Their love was built on circumstance: on the wall breaking, on the missions they protected each other, on the nights they spent talking about everything and nothing by the stables.They could never get that back, the same love she once had for him was gone.

He spoke to her, but he didn’t go out of his way to find her, to speak to her. He would rather keep to himself, and if that made him come across as harsh and cruel, then so be it.

He still felt the urge to protect her, the need to maintain what they once had, how he felt for her. He still protected her as if his life depended on it, and he would walk to the ends of the Earth before he saw her die. Yet, he couldn’t be sociable and comfortable like before.

That morning he woke up as usual, got dressed, went about his day, headed to the dining hall for dinner, and ate in silence if not for curses under his breath as he watched the love of his life talk it up with Erwin and Hanji, laughing and smiling as if he wasn’t right there. He knew Hanji could sense his eyes trailing to them with every sip of his tea, and she sent him a sympathetic look. 

The woman felt for her friend and comrade. For 6 years, she witnessed the pair fall in love despite trauma and differences they had. She was there countless times to see Levi lay his life on the line for her, and Y/N do the same for him. There was a change in Levi from the moment those two became friends to the very last day they had together. It made her sad. Love didn’t feel real without these two being there for each other.

Erwin wasn’t as adept, but he saw the pain in humanity’s greatest soldier. He loved Y/N, having known her since they attended training together. He was amazed she lived this long as well, having lost so many soldiers and friends along the way. She was different now. Lost in her own mind half the time, and unreliable on missions. 

But they had to keep waiting. Doctors, the best the walls had to offer, told them the chance of her memories coming back to her were close to zero, but not quite. If there was even a chance their friend would remember them some day, it wasn’t worth abandoning hope.

“Y/N, I totally forgot to tell you. You and Levi need to go check the horses. I think I left the stable door open, I’m not sure, haha,” Hanji rushed to say, wiggling her brows at Levi. She pushed Y/N out of her seat and stacked her plates for her to take to the dishwashers. “Sorry, but it’s just got to be checked.”

“Why does Levi have to-”

“Because you shouldn’t go out at night alone, obviously,” she explained, but stupidly. A soldier couldn’t go out on their own base alone. Y/N nodded obediently, but she really didn’t want to go, especially with him. She twisted the ring on her finger absentmindedly as her friend rushed her to exit the dining hall. Levi followed, but not without sending a twisted glare at the squad leader.

Y/N kept ahead of him, walking briskly as to get the job done quickly. Levi already knew she wasn’t happy going with him and that she generally disliked him. 

It wasn’t until they got to the stables and saw that the gates were in fact closed, locked up, and all the horses were as they should be. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me? She sent us out here for what? Her own amusement?” Y/N said, her voice raising just a bit. She was angry, just enough to put a lump in Levi’s stomach. Before the accident, she never got angry with him, or anyone else. She was just happy to contribute to the cause and help anyone she could, even if the task was as trivial as checking the stables. Y/N would have been happy to take a walk outside at night with Levi. 

In fact, they stood in the same spot they would hang out at night under the stars time and time again. He stared at her now, and wished to god that he could go back in time to when she would cuddle and kiss him under the moon and the stars here. He wanted her to tell him silly stories about her day, and then lean over and pepper kisses to his neck and his cheeks and his nose and call him her baby.

But instead, she hated him for everything he was worth.

“Y/N, Hanji didn’t-”

“Oh, would you just shut up?” she rolled her eyes over to him, her fists clenched at her sides. “You’re literally my only problem right now, You, my supposed lover. Everyone tells me stories about how you loved me, how we fell in love even, yet you treat me like absolute horse shit.”

“Would you just-”

“Would I just what? Continue to pretend you’re not an absolute asshole? You ignore me, you avoid me, you tell people that you miss me, yet you won’t even bother to make an effort? How can someone who loved me so much act this way?” the woman yelled furiously, glaring at him. The sparkle in her eyes vanished the longer she spoke, the longer she was with him.

He grit his teeth for a second trying to keep himself under control, but he couldn’t stand it anymore. “You are the one that’s ruined my life, don’t even try to act like your life is so hard.”

“How dare-”

“In case you didn’t know, you are the only thing I have left. I’ve lost my family, seen hundreds of people die around me. I found you, my sweet and kind princess, the woman I would kill and be killed over. I opened myself up to you, to the idea of loving you, despite what little time we all have left, despite the risks that come with caring about someone.”

“I’m still the same person-”

“No, you’re not. You just fell in love with me, I didn't need to try this hard. It was natural that we come together after everything we had been through. When I thought about the day I would lose you, I expected you to die and for us to bury your body and for it all to be over. I could move on knowing I did everything I could to protect you and love you,” he gasped for air, so angry he forgot to breathe. His eyes burned into hers which were slowly widening, lips just agape. He took a deep breath and continued, “Do you know how much it hurts to see you walking around, talking to people, knowing that you are right there for me to touch and love, yet you will never love me again, not the way it was? Do you really, Y/N?”

“Levi...I’m sorry.”

He rubbed his face with his hand, covering his eyes in shame. He didn’t mean to be so emotional, to make a pathetic attempt at forcing the blame on her. “Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything for it to be this way. You’re just living like anyone else, I’m the one wallowing in my own misery. I’m the one that should be sorry.”

“I know. I-I want more than anything to remember everything. I want to remember you and how much you loved me like everyone says, like you say. I just...I don’t know how. Levi, I’m so sorry.”

He let his arms fall to his sides limply, not having anything else left to say really. “Even though you’re right in front of me, I miss you,” he whispered. “I just miss you.”

Y/N stepped forward, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him into a gentle hug. He tensed for a moment before falling into the hug, wrapping his arms around her shoulder and neck, pulling her form as close to him as possible. He missed her touch, her warm hugs by the stables. He would never say he missed the little intimacies, that was too much for him. Yet, these moments fueled him to wait for her, as long as she needed.

“Maybe it will never be the same. I’m sorry for that, Levi. I want to be friends with you. I long to know what the old me saw in you for so long. I wish I remembered what happened to spark something between us. I know it’s all still there somewhere, whether we have that history or not.” Silence from him, just faint breaths against her shoulder. “But it will be okay.”

It’ll be okay.

________________________________________________

Six months after she lost her memory, six months of feeling like a burden to the corps, Y/N stood outside the castle with a few of the cadets and Hanji, watching as she tried more experiments on Eren. She leaned back against a tree and shut her eyes, taking in a breath of the fresh air. So much had happened over the past months that she nearly forgot she lost her memories all those months ago. Wall Rose was sealed, the titan shifters had left for the time being. It seemed like everything was at peace, or that time was just standing still.

In the middle of the peace, the sunlight shining down on her and her friends through leaves in the trees, through the warmth of the summer sun. her mind seemed to piece itself together, if only parts. Her world shifted together once again.

Flashbacks played over in her mind, one after the other, hundreds of memories flooding in so quickly. She stumbled forward a few steps, pressing a hand to her lips to hold back her gasp. Hanji hadn’t noticed as she was too focused on Eren, but Jean gave her a particularly strange look after noticing her.

“Y/N-san, you good?” the boy called to her.

Thankfully, no one noticed except him, and she just waved him off. “It’s nothing. Just have to go to the bathroom.” As she walked away, more and more memories flooded into her head, not everything. She felt millions of tiny pieces of her story were missing here and there, but she could remember enough.

Memories of her mother and her father in her childhood house. Memories of school, cadet training. Erwin, Eren, Hanji, her squad, the titans, the expeditions, her favorite foods and stories and books. 

But most of all, she remembered Levi.

_______________________________

The night was soldiering on, yet Y/N could not sleep. Her stomach churned every few moments and she felt a headache coming up at the same time. Something had been bothering her for the past week, actually, make that the past few months. She was a seasoned soldier, yet she was letting emotions cloud her mind. Her exercises were coming up short and clumsy, and she had a hard time focusing on paperwork or the commander’s orders. 

The only thing on her mind was a man, particularly short with a sharp tongue and the abilities of a godly warrior. It had been two years since she met him, two long years of fighting and struggling to live amongst the chaos ensuing. He was her only source of hope and light in this cruel world.

Slowly, she rolled out of her bed and wrapped herself in her blanket, leaving the room and shutting the door silently. She didn’t want to wake anyone else for them to ask what she was up to long after midnight. She stepped down the hall carefully, keeping her head hung just a bit. In hindsight, she shouldn’t have been scared at all. She knew just as well as he did what they were meant to be. It was obvious to everyone. 

Yet there were always variables. Death was inevitable, no one lived to die of old age anymore. They were busy beyond belief, always rushing around to get things done, fight titans, protect the people of the walls. It was high stress, which didn’t leave much thought for anything else. She had the mind to think about everything but her priorities, unfortunately.

She walked across the yard in the cold night to the men’s barracks, definitely not where she was supposed to be. She could probably be in a bit of trouble with Erwin if someone snitched on her, but her consequences wouldn’t be dire.

And as she approached the room, her body tensed. It was so quiet in the night that she could almost hear the sound of her heart beating ferociously in her chest. Softly, with the tips of her fingers, she knocked on his door. When he didn’t answer, she could only laugh to herself, of course he couldn’t hear her weak knocks. 

She was just so scared. Maybe if he didn’t answer the door, then she could forget all about this and never confess what she was thinking. 

Gathering some of that Survey Corps courage, she knocked a little harder on the door. Rustling sound from in the room, and the woman cringed, shutting her eyes and taking a few quick breaths. It would be fine, she assured herself. It’s not that big of a deal.

When the door opened and Levi looked into her eyes, rightfully confused, she lost all her thoughts. The hours she had spent rehearsing what she wanted to say were thrown out the window.

“Y/N? What the hell are you doing here?” he whispered, his eyes sliding to check down the hall left and right for anyone watching. 

Her mouth opened, lips opening and closing like fish. He took her wrist and yanked her into his room, shutting the door behind them. 

“Is something wrong?” he asked, still holding her wrist in his iron tight grip. Y/N shook her head and sighed, turning to look at the wall instead of him. “Don’t tell me you had a nightmare or something-”

“Levi, I love you. I-I don’t know how else to tell you, and Hanji said outright was the best way and...well, I don’t know.”

“Love?”

“Yeah.”

“Stay with me tonight?”

Her face turned to stare at him incredulously, her cheeks turning an all-telling pink. “What?”

“I anticipated this, to be honest. You’re very emotional.” He crossed his arms, trying his best not to lose his cool composure like she had. He’d gone to the same evil scientist for love advice about Y/N a month before. His heart felt like it would explode, and his cheeks were threatening to turn red and his palms to sweat. But he would remain cool. Y/N was always the one to be open with her more embarrassing emotions. Coolly, he replied, “Hanji told me you would do this, and then she told me to tell you to stay the night with me.”

“Hanji...that double-crossing bastard.”

He rubbed a hand over his eyes, feelings of drowsiness still running through his head after just waking up. “Listen, I just want to hold you and fall asleep so stay with me.”

It only took a second to think it over before Y/N nodded. He walked over to his bed, scooting over to the side against the wall so she would have room. They had tiny beds, almost cots, but thankfully being a captain warranted a slightly bigger one. She sunk down into his bed and rolled over to face him. His sheets and pillows smelt so clean and new, just like his clothes did every day. It was comforting, and she felt the smell lulling her to sleep.

“So, the feelings are mutual?” she finally asked, although her answer was already quite clear.

Levi just sighed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to his chest. “Always so stupid.”

__________________________________________

“Levi?” Y/N asked as she entered the man’s office without even knocking. She was practically bouncing with each step, energy bound up inside.

He didn’t bother peeking up from his desk, just checking more things off his paperwork. “Yes, Y/N?”

She didn’t really know what to say, truthfully. She could only stand there for moment, and think herself so stupid for not remembering him. Looking back on how she acted while she was recovering, how she acted like a stranger to him for so long, and now that seemed ridiculous. They had history. Thousands of moments that she forgot. 

Without thinking much else, she bluntly said the only thing on her mind, “Stay the night with me.”

He lifted his eyes from his paperwork, narrowing his brows. “Excuse me?” 

“You said that the first time I told you I loved you. You-You were too nervous to actually tell me you loved me so you said that instead,” Y/N rushed to say. “I remembered.”

As Levi looked up at the woman he loved, the one he never stopped loving this whole time, he noticed the sparkle in her eyes had returned. Her cheeks were dusted pink and she looked out of breath from excitement. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected this, and honestly he never thought he would hear her recall those times again.

“I remember you. Not everything yet, but I remember being in love with you. I remember how you loved me.”

He stood from his desk to walk over to the woman who was overflowing with so many words and thoughts and emotions that he thought she might burst. He rested his hands on her cheeks, bringing her eyes up to meet his. He could see, for the first time in forever, the way her eyes shone with love and affection for only him. She brought her hands up to rest on his, heat rising up to turn her ears red. 

Even though they were practically married before, she felt anxious and embarrassed being so close to him and touching him again. It was like she had just fallen in love again, a giddy young woman with so much ahead of her. Levi touching her, it made her feel something again. His warmth radiating onto her chilled skin; it was all she needed to go crazy.

God, did she miss having these feelings. The feeling of being in love is one of the most pleasant mankind has ever felt.

“Levi, I’m back.”

“God, I missed you. I really fucking missed you.”

And as she wrapped her arms around him once again, feeling his heart beating against her ear, she remembered what it felt like to be Y/N. A woman who was loved and important, someone with a history of good deeds and hard work. It was worth waiting six months, just to feel this bliss once again.

They would be together as long as they had left, and every minute would be cherished. War would come. Deaths would surface. But at least they had the present.

[1dsource]

Author Spotlight: louisnights

Don’t forget to show the author to leave kudos and comments to show the author love!

solid as a stone (when everything is gone)

Words: 20k

“Why’d you take me with you?”

Louis startles at the question, the car almost swerving off the road in the process. He holds his breath as he waits for the twins to wake up and start wailing, but they don’t. They keep sleeping on peacefully, covered in the family blanket.

Harry’s looking at him with an unreadable expression.

Louis takes a minute, mulling it over. He answers quietly. “I hate to say it, but as much as we hate each other, I can’t bear to leave you alone to deal with this whole thing all by yourself.” and I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you died, he adds in his mind.  

or, it's the zombie apocalypse and Louis is stuck with Harry, with whom he shares a complicated relationship with.

Taste on my tongue

Words: 3.2k

Louis is a 30-year-old Omega, whose past boyfriends never went down on him, and Harry's the Omega who's about to change that. 

smokey vanilla

Words: 25k

Louis is the sole guardian to his younger siblings, and he's fallen pregnant. A new neighbor moves in next door, Harry, and they become good friends. Harry is kind and beautiful. Louis can't help but fall for him. 

Bare Essentials

Words: 14k

Harry works at Bare Essentials as a stripper, but when he loses his first job, he decides to start doing the VIP's, which is how he meets Louis, who is as mysterious as he is fascinating. 

scarcely can speak for my thinking (what you’d do to me tonight)

Words: 21k

He sat down against the door, breath heaving. “That was literally the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever.”

Louis sat down next to him. “Yeah, me too.”

Harry took a deep breath to brave himself and then decided to just go for it. “So we should do this again, yeah? And not in a public bathroom while I’m at work. I sort of need the money.”

Louis nodded. “Yeah. Although, I have to tell you: I’m not looking for a relationship right now; I’m traveling a lot for work.”

Harry could live with that. “Yeah, that’s understandable. So we gonna be fuck buddies?”

Louis laughed. “Something like that, yeah.”

The Sacrifice

Words: 3.2k

It’s almost time to find out who Westgold’s yearly sacrifice will be. Louis is beyond nervous, and scared about his best friend. He doesn’t ever want to lose him, especially for some dumb yearly tradition. He’s always hated it. It’s always haunted his dreams ever since that day when he was twelve, when he was finally old enough to understand and see what the Sacrifice really was.

Or every year the town of Westgold sacrifices an Omega to Coatlicue, the goddess of fertility, life, death and rebirth.

All Shook Up

Words: 23k

Louis is a mechanic who's always worked for his uncle during the summer, this one's no different. One night after work he goes out to a bar, where he meets Harry. The curly haired boy with the most alluring voice that brings forwards all those desires he's always tried to hide. 

a prince albert

Words: 5.2k

Louis loses a bet and has to go on the show Naked Attraction. 

scars make us beautiful

Words: 1k

Harry's model for his photo shoot drops out at the last minute, so he asks his best friend to fill in. The thing is, it's a naked photo shoot. 

my solitude ain’t the same no more

Words: 10k

Louis is a traveling homicide detective who goes to the small town of Holmes Chapel to investigate the murder of a young woman.

married at first sight

Words: 10k

Louis and Harry meet at the altar, ready to embark on the journey of marriage. There's just one catch: they've never met before. 

(Last update: 16/09-20)

welcome to the floor show

Words: 5k

Louis gets the lead in his uni's production of Rocky Horror. 

so much I could live for I could die

Words: 14k

“Sometimes I wonder what’s out there,” Louis confesses, tucking into his second biscuit. “I wonder if what they’re saying is true, about the Thieves, about the other compounds. Why are we not allowed to leave? Go to other compounds?”

Lottie gets up, letting out a sigh as she squeezes his shoulder. “You shouldn’t think like that, Lou, it will get you killed.”

“They can’t take away my thoughts,” Louis answers defiantly. Lottie pats his shoulder before she disappears to her room, closing the door behind her with a quiet click.

or: Louis is a transgender man who escapes his compound after extenuating circumstances, and meets the Thieves, who show him what freedom really is.

the ghosts all come at night, and I’m not scared, I have you

Words: 6.6k

Louis is a hunter. He starts investigating a case, where he meets Harry, family of the victim and also a fellow hunter. 

Twink of March

Words: 8.7k

On the night that Harry and his boyfriend of two years, Louis, plan to have sex for the first time, Harry falls into a coma. Four years later, Harry wakes up and discovers that his boyfriend is now a model for a gay erotic magazine, Bold Arva. Together with his best friend Liam, Harry embarks on a journey to the Bold Arva Mansion to win back Louis.

or, it's the Miss March au that no one asked for.

killing for a living

Words: 4.3k

Harry is a contract killer hired to kill Louis' abusive stepfather while Louis stands trial for a crime she committed in self defence.

featuring Zayn as Louis' lawyer, Niall as Harry's hacker and best friend, and barely featuring Liam as Louis' best friend.

[soheila-1996]

Wake up, Rookie- Part one

Any feedback is always super appreciated! :)

Tags:  @dulceghernandez   @rookie-ramsey​ @te-fanz1 @aylamwrites @ethansmommyissues @schnitzelbutterfingers

Paring: Ethan x MC 

Warnings: Coma/ car accident. 

Word count: 1,640. 

(Ethan’s POV)

I’m still sitting  in the  blue, plastic uncomfortable chair beside Casey’s bedside- like I’ve been doing all night long since I got the call. 

My body has started to ache from staying in the same position but I’ve refused to move. I can’t leave her; I just can't. 

 The clock ticking, the heart monitor beeping, the ventilator forcing air into her battered and broken body, the  nurses and doctors shuffling about are the only sounds I’ve heard all night.  These are sounds that I hear every day, they represent my work but now it feels hell. 

I’ve never felt pain like this before. Not when I lost Dolores or thought I was going to lose Naveen...this pain is something else. It physically hurts and It’s all my fault. I shifted in my seat and rub but hands over my tired and still red-rimmed, puffy eyes. 

I turned my gaze to look up at the clock hung up on the wall beside me and realise that I had only been sleeping for less than an hour. I can’t sleep anyway; I don’t want to take my eyes off her. 

I lean forward and take one of Casey’s hands into the both of mine and place a gentle kiss onto her knuckles. 

I cleared my throat before speaking, “I now understand why people get so frustrated when  we tell them to talk to their loved ones while they’re like this.” His eyes ran over her bruised and scratched up face. “I now understand how hard it is. To talk to you and act as if everything is okay. That word seems so wrong right now; nothing is okay, Case.” I swallowed thickly and wiped at my teary eyes. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. If I didn’t piss you off so much you wouldn’t have left, you wouldn’t have been driving with tears clouding your vision that I caused.” 

-12 hours earlier- 

(Casey POV) 

I can’t even remember why this argument started. They've just been getting more and more frequent lately. Ethan and I recently moved in with one another; things were going great and now...it’s not. Maybe it’s down to living together and working together; maybe it because now it feels like neither of us have space to breathe. 

We have been an item for a long time now. It’ll be two years next month. We’ve taken it slow, we didn’t want to rush into anything, we didn’t want for our relationship to move too fast. Ever since we moved in together it’s just gone off the rails. At the start it was good, Ethan means everything to me, I love him more than anything but...we just seem to keep clashing with each other. Maybe moving into was just the wrong thing to do or at least that is how it feels right now.  It’s like one enormous mistake but that’s not how this should feel. Not how it did feel in the beginning.

Fighting with Ethan is draining, we both get so wrapped up in whatever we’re squabbling about that we forget that we love each other; that we’re and together we can do anything...apparently that doesn’t include our relationship lately. 

He’s talking, I can see his mouth moving but I’m drowning it out. I don’t care. I know he wants me to clap back at whatever childish, aggravating remark he’s making right but I don't have the energy to. I've had a long ass day, I just wanted to hang out with my boyfriend. I just wanted to cuddle up on the couch, order a pizza, watch a movie and fall asleep together like we used to do before all of this. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” I whispered but somehow my boyfriend heard anyway. Ethan stopped talking as a look of confusion and then an unrecognisable expression spread across his face. 

“What did you just say?” Ethan asked me calmly. 

“I can’t keep doing this,” I responded. My voice breaks as I speak. It’s just a mess; maybe a break will help, maybe having some time away from each other could help us repair the relationship that we’ve both broken. “I can’t do this anymore,” I say again; more composed than before. 

“Case-” 

“No,” I interrupt, “This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be! We’re not meant to constantly be at each other’s throats, Ethan!  I love you but I can’t keep fighting with you. I think we should go on a break. We should have some time alone before we ruin this relationship for good.” 

I don’t say anything else or give Ethan a chance to say anything as I grab my car keys and head out- I need space. 

I yank my car door open and then slam it shut. After putting the keys into the ignition I roughly backed the car out of the driveway onto the road. I don’t have a destination in mind. Taking a long drive seems like a good idea to help clear my mind; figure out what I’m doing and then come up with a solution on how to fix this. 

 It feels like I’ve just made an unthought out and hasty decision. Is there a way to fix this? Can I fix this? 

The more I think over what happened; what’s been happening the more my eyes begin to well. Tears are falling down my already tear stained cheeks from my irritated, red eyes. My phone is sitting on the passenger seat beside me. It’s gone off a couple times with calls and texts from Ethan asking that I come home and talk things out no doubt. My vision is clouded by the tears that only make it harder to maneuver the car around the roads twists and turns.  

I briefly turn my eyes away from the road and wiped them with my sleeve. When I turn them back onto the road I'm now coming up to  an intersection. The light is green so I continue on my way, my eyes once again being disrupted by the tears welling in them. Just as I’m approaching the middle of the intersection I see a pair of headlights in my peripheral vision as another car recklessly ploughs into the intersection. My heart pounds in my chest as I slam my foot down onto the break but like I had already thought the car doesn’t stop in time before I reach the middle and so the reckless driver crashes into my car. I hear the crunch  of metal as the car collides with mine before my entire world goes black. 

(Ethan’s POV) 

It’s been a couple hours since Casey stormed out of the house. I’ve tried to call her a couple of times, I know she doesn’t want to talk but I just need to know she’s okay. I’m laying on the couch trying to get some sleep but I can’t seem to drift off. I’m worried about her, every attempted call went straight to voicemail. I have a horrible gut feeling that something is wrong and I can’t shake it. I’ve got work in the morning  but I can’t sleep until I at least know she’s alright. 

I’m just starting to drift off when my phone ringing pulls me out of my near slumber. I sit up and rub my tired eyes and reach for my phone that’s sitting on the coffee table. 

A feeling of pure dread washes over me when I see the caller ID- Harper Emery. Why the hell is she calling at this time of night? It makes no sense to me. We’re friends, we talk occasionally but she never calls me in the middle of the night.  The feeling that something is wrong only intensifies as I answer the call. 

“Harper?” 

“Hello Ethan,” she responds. I sit myself up straight; I know her well by now, I can tell by her tone of voice that something is amiss. 

“What’s going on?” I ask, the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach only growing. 

Harper took in a deep breath on the other end, “You need to come to the hospital. Casey was brought in an hour ago...It’s not looking good Ethan...” 

**** 

It’s hard not to think over last night. I’ve never felt anything like that when I got the call from Harper. I’ve never been that terrified. 

Last night was stupid, the argument that I don’t even remember what it was about in the first place was stupid. Letting her go was a moronic move on my part; If I had tried to get her to stay then we wouldn’t be in this situation we’re now in. Letting her walk out that door will always be something I was forever regret, especially if she doesn’t recover from this. 

Casey’s hand is still clamped in my own. My eyes have started to well up again. I see people like this sometimes daily but they’re people that I don’t know..this is so different. It’s heartbreaking to see the woman that I completely adore in this state. I know that every abrasion and bruise that is covering her beautiful face will heal, that every broken bone will knit back together but that doesn’t mean anything to me right now. I don’t care. All I want is Casey to be okay now. 

Harper is optimistic, that's something I guess. She’s hardly ever wrong, however, that doesn’t really help me right now.  

I clear my throat and wipe at my teary eyes, “I love you.” My voice wavers, “I know that I don’t tell you that enough but I do. I really love you and I can’t-” My heart starts pounding in my chest; I’m beginning to panic just thinking about losing her. I don’t think I could survive losing her. “You’re going to wake up and I’ll be here when you do.” I give her hand a little squeeze, “Wake up, Rookie.”