#sometimes I worry if I make ppl uncomfortable irl or here

[nervocat]

hhhh randomly spiralingggg

[briefpeachdinosaur]

Bsd Theories that I don’t believe

Discussing the "Naomi isn't real theory" and "dazai can't die".

Ppl who want to Baby atsushi.

Dazai and chuuya at 15.

Including: Naomi, Tanizaki, atsushi, chuuya and dazai.

I accidentally put this Clip here but I wanted smt else, how the hell do I remove it???

So I saw this theory that Naomi isn't a real person and Tanizaki created her with his ability.

But why would he create an illusion of her?

I read that it was because Naomi is death and he couldn’t handle it, so to not go insane he created the illusion of her.

I do get why people think that she isn't real but here is why I think she is real.

So first we should look into the work of the real Tanizaki Jun'ichirō: the irl Tanizaki published a book with the Titel "Naomi" Naomi was a character in the book, a very importierent one. The story basically follows Naomi and the main character who is a man (and I forgot his name) they met at a Restaurant (if I remember correctly) and Naomi is a waitress there, he falls inlove with her and they became boyfriend and girlfriend but to not be judged from others (bc they Aren't married and it was back in the day) they just said they are siblings but they are NOT siblings. I think in the book they also started to live togehter (again if I remember correctly).

In the book Kirako Haruno also Shows up who is also a character in bsd and is mostly known as Fukuzawas Assistent. In the book she is (again if I remember correctly) an stage actress.

So Haruno and Naomi are both not acual people who lived in real live but characters based on the work of Tanizaki.

(This is Haruno)

(Very cute and pretty)

It's normal in bsd that some of the characters Aren't inspired from real life and are characters from books from the irl authors. Or are ppl who had something to do with them.

So like I said the "Naomi isn't real theory" is a theory I don't really believe, why?

Well first of if Naomi was an Illusion created by his ability then why would he worry all the time about her ? You guys remember how he was ready to kill higuchi when she almost killed her? If she was truly just an illusion created by him then he would have known that she wouldn't die and she wouldn’t have been bleeding from her attack.

We also saw him being worried about her in season 4.

It's just like with Elis, when mori and Elis (whom is his ability) fighted with Fukuzawa and mori basically lost and Elis was disappearing he wasn't worried or something because he knew nothing would happend to her.

Or when he and Elis almost died in the car that was meant to kill them Elis saved him in time and he also didn't ask if she is alright he knew she was because she is his ability, so he naturally knows that she is alright.

But it was never like that with Jun'ichirō and Naomi. He was very often worried and she did things that suprised him like the time when Higuchi almost killed her he was taken aback.

While I do recognize that it also could be that he believe that so much that she is alive and well so he subconciously made her so "real" thats why she is injured sometimes.

I think they must have meet in school or a little before.

Asagiri properly wanted to add his work in this way and it was mostly meant to be a funny way to include the work of Tanizaki.

Was it really funny? Not really.

Is it a little strange that he did that like this? Yeah it is.

And also:

Jun'ichirō is obviously unconfortable with all the physical Touch Naomi gives him in public. He often tells her something like

"Naomi we're in public not now" and she dosen't really Listen to him. Which makes it even more uncomfortable to watch because he’s often very uncomfortable with it. She is definitely overstepping a boundary with that which isn’t okay. We always see her being very close or having her arms around him but that isn’t what he minds it’s that she is doing too much and also touching him too often on purpose to get this reaction of him being nervous.

I really don’t know why asagiri did that to Naomi.

However, we can clearly see that they both really care for each other (even though they can be very uncomfortable to watch).

I do admit its strange that she talks in 3 person but it’s only when she is with him.

I think both are very good characters but often a pain when they are together, separate from each other they are definitely more comfortable to watch not only because they aren’t touching each other but also because we get to see a very positive side on both of them and that they also care for there fellow friends around them.

Also in real life there was an actress for Naomi whom was Tanizakis sister in law.

What is funny is that the irl chuuya, at some point, fell in love with her and called her his Ideal wome in the poem he wrote about her.

Yep He even wrote a poem about her (thats kind of cute tbh)

So would Naomi be chuuyas ideal women in the bsd universe? Well... I don't know but I guess so.

I also wanted to say that I think It's pretty obvious that Tanizaki and Naomi Aren't siblings.

And I'm 100% sure that there not siblings.

BTW : The real Tanizaki was WILD he tried to rizz up his DAUGHTER IN LAW and he had a Sex game (I can't) with his sister in law ( Naomis actress) and his wife...

Also I don't think dazai can't die or that he is the book.

Listen if dazai was on that one Thing last year where some rich ppl tried to go to the Titanic I swear he would survived that somehow but I don't think he is unkillable.

When he was shoot by fyodors Assassine he was injured and could have died but fyodor didn't plan for dazai to Die, I think he knew atsushi was there to save him.

Also remember how chuuya shoot him in the shoulder? Well that was unplaned and he was really pissed (chuuya) so he took revenge so no, dazai also dosen't know "everything" and literlly not everything is in dazais "perfect plan" and chuuya could have acually died in the 'Prison break arc' when he and fyodor where " drowning " And I'm pretty sure that dazai didn't tell chuuya abt that, that he and fyodor will take a swim in that strange water they were in and yosano, kenji and Tanizaki could have died too while he was away (how did they even survived that long? I guess there plot armor is pretty good too)

If chuuya didn't pull that "one trick that they did all the time back then" with the gun shoot he could have really died so yeah.

And if chuuya really was a Vampire back then fyodor could have easily killed him tbh.(how did Dostoevsky didn't get that chuuya isn't a Vampire I thought he had an almost or same IQ as Ranpo ?)

And why I don't think he is the book or that he knows everything? Well in the one chapter where he found out about fyodor Dostoevskys Real ability he looked so suprised so if he knew about everything he would have know that all along.

(Dostoevsky that mother f**ker is the real unkillable man lol)

(I'm tired of hearing ppl say "it was dazais plan all along thats why they didn't die" like what-?😭🙏)

Anyway lets also talk about how the fandom wants to baby atsushi + the sexualisation of Chuuya and dazai when they were 15.

I think it’s SO problematic that the fandom is basiclly sexulaising chuuya and dazai when they are 15.

Sorry but if your older then 16 you shouldn't be thinking that when they where 15 that they where "hot" or whatever. Dazai is shown to be very unstable at 15 and chuuya dosen't even know who he is at 15 because he had zero memory's of his past.

Only after stormbringer he knew who he was and what happend to him and alot of traumatic stuff happend to him and by the way just bc you know your past dosen't mean you now know who you are.

He was 16 in stormbringer and still had to process what happend to him which was btw alot.

Remember the one Clip where he shot that guy and keep shooting even though he was already dead? Well, many find that hot.

However, dazai (in the anime) is speculated to have had a Breakdown and you can notice that when he said: this is more then you deserve

And his eyes where very dark in that moment and the artist of bsd herself said that the eyes are a reflection of there mental well being.

In the novel it was : what a luxury!

While shooting and is described to have a "bizzarly childlike" expression. So in the novel he knew what he was doing, if anything.

But I noticed that everbody is simping over that secne or using it to show how insane he can be or how his voice was so hot and all.

Guys please, if you take the Text with the acual context of the secne I feel like we get to know more about him.

Why is that such a Luxury for the dying man? Probably bc he wanted to be the dying man but that is just what I think.

Why is it more then he deserved? Probably because he was the one who wanted what he had and maybe because he thinks he deserved it.

I do have to say that bones made them look much older then 15.

It's like simping over kenji who is also 14. Thats just strange.

Kenji and kyoka acually look 13-15.

Both chuuya and dazai were at a bad place at 15, and sexualising them in Fan arts is not okay.

Both of them there past are very traumatic (if the bsd dazai had the same past as real dazais Osamus. The irl dazai (and chuuya too) had quit a traumatic up bringing that explained alot of there views in there work and lives but it would also explain why the bsd dazai is how he is)

It's the same when ppl who are older then 15-16 simp over Ranpo in his backstory Episode when he was like 14??

Anyways, what I also wanted to point out is that It's so SO weird that ppl want to BABY atsushi who is an 18 boy, okay he might be come across as naive but that dosen't mean he is stupid or acually naive.

It is the same with Armin of aot.

He had a VERY traumatic past (man literlly Has PTSD )and anyone who has been trough abuse is naturally a little more mature then ppl there age or knows how to take care of themselfs and while I do recognize that atsushi wants acuall love and affection from others I don't think making him seen like a Baby and wanting to Baby him is what he wants lol.

He isn't a Baby who can't take care of himself so why are yall acting Like he is?

Also atsushi is ruthless and he can be really mean.

All the ppl who say : atsushi would NEVER say anything mean!!!

Yeah he would never with YOU (🫵) but he would with akutagawa whom he lets his inner mean side out and is basiclly letting him 90% of there interactions very much known that he isn't quit found of him.

Anyways I hope you liked this Post and thankyou all so much for reading ❤️

❤️

[commaclear]

Hi comma

I'm not a minor, but I know there's a lot of minors in tntblr and I've been on the internet long enough to realize way farther down the line that I've been in very unsafe online environments before.

I guess I'm saying this because of the new information that came out about that cc called kwite. I just keep on thinking about how uncomfortable it sometimes makes me to be in the fandom of such a homoerotic ship and know so many fans are probably only 15 years old. It seems to be really safe so far despite that, and the soap opera you have going on in your inbox is hilarious, but I guess I'm just worried that this could change.

I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if you delete this ask, it's pretty uncalled for. I'm sorry. But I guess I'm sending this ask because I'm still a bit younger than you, and wanted to know if you had advice for staying safe in online communities.

Only if you're okay with answering, of course. I really hope this wasn't too upsetting to read. I love your work, and I really hope you get that surgery you've been waiting on soon. Get well <3

I really do worry abt younger ppl in this fandom bc the internet safety things that were common when I was fifteen are becoming less and less common, so I would actually love to list a few

Do not share personal info, especially in your bio or pinned post and especially if it could be used to track you down irl (e.g. which city you live in, where you go to school, pictures of a local library/coffee shop/restaurant, your birthday, pictures of your face)

Tumblr is different from places like Facebook or Instagram because you are under no obligation to tell anyone your real name or show anyone your real face, you can and should embrace internet anonymity here because it's one of the last major websites where you can do so

Just saying you are a minor is enough (and you don't even have to do that, no one is entitled to know how old you are), you don't have to go out and tell everyone exactly how old you are because that opens the door for weirdos

You will know if something makes you uncomfortable, trust yourself and listen to that instinct. Even if you can't explain why a certain person/fic/art made you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling. Trust your gut feelings because they will figure out something is bad long before you figure out if goes against your boundaries in some way. Children are taught to ignore gut feelings like that, "Oh, it's not a big deal, go give your creepy uncle a hug or you're gonna hurt his feelings". But especially on the internet, where you can end up in dangerous or traumatizing territory without even realizing it until it's too late, you need to listen to your first instinct.

Just to harp on the above point a bit, if talking to someone makes you feel anxious, if you ever have to hype yourself up before you go to message a certain friend because sometimes the things they say make you feel weird, if talking to someone ever makes you feel weird about yourself or second guess things, if they ever ask you to do something you're not comfortable with (even if it's not at all sexual!! If you're talking to a mutual, and you mention you broke your foot and they ask to see the cast, if that makes you uncomfortable this still applies) If any of that happens, take a step back. Distance yourself from the person who made you uncomfortable for about a week and reassess how you feel. If there have been other times they've made you feel weird or uncomfortable, block them. It is totally okay and even expected to block people on Tumblr for literally any reason. It is always better safe than sorry. If this is the first time they've made you feel weird, explain the situation to them and establish a boundary. If they break that boundary, then it's blocking time. It might seem harsh, but to cultivate a safe online experience, you have to have safe people around you, and safe people respect boundaries 100% of the time.

tl;dr don't share unnecessary personal information with strangers on the internet, and if anyone makes you uncomfortable for any reason, do not hesitate to block them. You don't owe anyone anything.

And as tntblr's appa, I've gotta put this out there. If you feel unsafe in our online space or you're not sure what to do about something making you uncomfortable, then my dms are an open, judgement-free zone. I will do my best to help you out, and at the very least, I'm a pretty good listener. Sometimes all you need is a sanity sounding board.

[gl00mxstar]

I think I'm getting better now

I don't feel like shit this much right after waking up and when I do sometimes it goes away on it's own a bit quicker

my 'seemingly out of nowhere or from stress and physical activity pains' are less painful that what they used to be in the past few years and even tho I still can't do that much it's way better than I thought I could get

since I both dropped out of high school (and apprenticeship too) and it was literally too late to do anything bc it was almost end of school year I'm not 'obliged' to see people or go to place where stress anxiety and fatigue eat me alive

with 3 above comes better sleep too I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want without a worry so it helped a lot too I also can sleep less and feel better (I realize how ridicilous it sounds but I always felt like shit when sleeping '8h like a normal person' but when I slept for only few hours I felt really good energetic and refreshed)

I'm more energetic and feel actual motivation to do stuff get better and rather than 'I wanna have bare minimum of living conditions to survive and not go insane' it's 'I wanna make my life better to actually live and enjoy it'

I've managed to take better care of my emotions and even open up more to 'right people' and not bottle them up or turn them into just self depricating jokes like I always did I even vented 2 times (first time 5h and second around 3/3,5h I swear I would have never thought I'll ever do it and for such a long time too I know I def wouldn't manage to when I was younger) also treating tumblr as my personal diary and venting helped too I don't really care if haters or someone I know irl sees my posts if they see this and are gonna have a problem with that it means we just never meant to be friends honestly it's better this way since from that I'm gonna have an easy way of getting to know this

for the one above thank you friends I've made in the past few years also to dca fandom and furry community ya'll have one of the most welcoming people there it's hard to feel uncomfortable and bottle up the emotions around you don't change ever 🫶 (ig it's easy to see someone's struggling when you have first hand experience sobs /hj)

after years of struggling to understand 'what is wrong with me' in everyday life and school I realized I have autism and adhd (thank you reddit tons of articles online and friends with autism 🤝) unfortunately the healthcare sucks where I live especially the mental so I can get a proper diagnosis but I'm 100% sure it's that and knowing what is 'wrong' with me takes away a lot of weight off my shoulders and I finally don't feel bad abt having stuff like sensory issues and problems with understanding certain social norms etc

I learned to go out to buy groceries without being on the brink of a panic attack again so now it's the same as it was when I was younger while I don't like doing it at least I can actually go and buy something

I can now bake again without being reminded of the time I was stuck as an apprentice in horrible work environment were even faint smell of dough or vanilla sugar outside of the workplace were enough to be triggering

I'm finally getting back my 'bad mouth and attitude' as others liked to say when I disagreed with something when they thought they were the smartest person in the room while being wrong so I can now say what I really think and not cry while literally just defending myself and my personal opinions so again going back to how I was when I was younger

I'm a bit less worried abt my cats since the vet clinic was opened in my village (the one where there are actual ppl working here and not just pretending I still don't get it how they were making any money since they weren't open most of the time) and even though I still don't have money for the vet at the very least once I get enough I'll have it close to get them to one

I have way less suicidal thoughts now I hope one day I can get it to 0 or at the very least to 'random thought of remembering the bad past'

I'm trying to speak english outloud to try and learn the right pronunciation (I know what the word is supposed to sound like but I have problems with speaking even in my native language) also I'll try to make phone calls and leave voice messages once I feel more brave to do so I also have in plans trying to read some fics or books to get both my spoken english and reading skills better at the same time since I'm terrible at reading outloud too

I managed to switch from traditional art to digital decently quickly imo and now that I even draw a lot faster than I used to the thought of actually making a living from art seems way less insane now

I've made few good friends both irl and online that I have common interests with and that I'm vibing with hopefully once the weather gets less intense and my health get better and I'll have some money to go out we'll meet

I have one of them keep asking me to go out she's so sweet 😭💕

[flowers-n-flight-risks]

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

im not great with specific lables, i usually just call myself nonhuman. i do consider myself fictionkin, but since this is specifically alterhuman (which im 90% sure is mostly nonhuman stuff) ill not discuss those ‘types here

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

im an angel, a ghost, and a werewolf!

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

well idk what a cameo shift is but i do experince shifts in a sense. i consider a shift to be whenever im feeling my nonhumanity more strongly, though i always feel it to an extent. right now my most common shifts are werewolf and angel, as in those are what i consider myself most of the time when i think abt it, and those are the things that make me happy when i see stuff related to them

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

i suppose the way i would experience any other facet of my identity. its who i am, but not really something i tell other people, tho i feel like they can tell im not exactly human (even if they dont put it in those words lol). it affects how i want to look, what i make/buy/have around me, how i interact with other people/creatures/etc, that sort of thing. its really important to me but its also just my life, yknow? i dont think abt it much more than i do something like my sexuality

5/ What do you think of the community?

i think it is interesting!! i am bad at involving myself in it!! but i would like to know more ppl in the community!! im bad at online communities in general tbh, but whenever i meet someone irl who is also nonhuman (this has happened only once but it was really cool) i feel so connected and understood, so i think thats how it would be if i were more in the community probably

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

being compared to any of my ‘types, gear even tho i only have wings and a pair of ears/a tail that look nothing like mine lol, existing around others like me (so dogs or being alone), referring to humans as something other or otherwise verbally separating myself from humanity, just thinking abt it on my own and letting myself enjoy it like i am rn by making this post!

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

yeah all the time kinda. i miss my wings or my tail or my muzzle or my ability to aimlessly float (swimming is nice but not as good!!!!) or all at once. i like how i look in this human body but i wish i could customize it further to look more like me. those animal hrt comics that have gotten popular lately are my dream tbh. but i hold out hope that someday ill be able to look more like myself (or just get better gear) (or make friends who’ll refer to me as myself and understand the nonhumanity)

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

uhhhhh dont overthink it, dont worry abt what everyone else is doing or what bullies have to say abt whats right and wrong or good and bad. just focus on urself and how u feel and what makes u the most comfortable, cause nonhumanity can be pretty freaking uncomfortable sometimes so u gotta look out for urself. also its ok to be wrong and to change and whatever else. and the angels love you (platonically)

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

ye i currently have 2 pairs of wings (one white one black), 1 tail (black and red so not my colors but still cool), a halo headband (very fake looking but still nice), a pair of ears that were supposed to be cat ears but look like wolf ears too (they’re handmade). i wanna get real ears and a tail in my color someday, and a cool dog collar cause even tho im a werewolf im more of a wolfdog (black wolves are inherently part dog fun biology fact) so i can have that dog swag. i also kinda wanna make some sort of mask/paws/furry leggings(???) to do like a partial fursuit type look cause thats how i wish i could look as a werewolf and i wanna wear it to the library and freak people out lol

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

hmmmmmmmmm its tricky cause my fictionkintypes are all past lives but my nonhuman identities arent like, something i was in a past life, they’re things i am currently now still. like i lived a life as an angel, and now i am in a human body but i am still an angel. i am still in some ways a ghost living in a human body. i am a werewolf that cannot physically transform but im still a werewolf right now. yknow? so im not really concerned with the cause of my existence. if i were to randomly make up a hypothesis on the spot ill say maybe this: i was an angel put into this body, i combined with the spirit of whoever would’ve inhabited the body if i wasnt put here and thats the ghost part, and i just acquired budget lycanthropy sometime in my past (maybe cause i was born on a full moon). thats just a guess not something i completely believe btw

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

hmmmmmmmmm anyone who follows me ig! the only ppl i can think of to tag are fictionkin not necessarily nonhuman lol. so if u see this post and u wanna answer go at it have fun

If you are a alterhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[sarioh]

hey this is Probably a weird question but i've seen that some ppl don't like it SO here we go: do you mind when ppl call you by name in the tags? i'm a tag-talker and sometimes get the urge but idk if that squicks you out or anything 🤧 no worries if it does, i just like to ask with ppl i reblog from frequently LOL

not a weird question at all and im glad someone asked bc its been something ive been thinking about recently. in general if you have any reason to think i'd know who you are then it's totally fine, like if we're mutuals or you reblog from me a lot or youve been following me for a while or have sent asks before (like in your case i definitely know who u r so its chill ^_^). otherwise it does make me uncomfortable when people i dont recognize use my name, it comes across as like weird and sometimes slightly parasocial over-familiarity. like i know that my name is in my bio so it's maybe not a fair comparison, but it kinda feels like if a complete stranger came up to me irl and immediately referred to me by name LMAO. but yeah in your case its fine !!

[jayflrt]

this is a lil heavy :( im sorry lice

why is it that every time a guy seems interested in me , the first thing i want to do is show why thats a bad idea or like, reject him on the spot. its just.. ive got the idea that love isnt smth that happens to me and anyone to ever do that (romantically) doesnt know me. i feel like if i dated, id always be wearing a cover around myself showing my best likeable parts only, or that id drive them away when i open up. at the same time,im also unprepared to bear the weight of them opening up, because im very bad giving advice/ sympathising. really ppl always said i was heartless for it, but some days i just dont have it it me, im always exhausted. the environment i was raised in also never gave me words of afffirmation/ listened to me so if thats like,,, expected of me id do a terrible job and make that person have wrong ideas.

and then there's expectations of stuff in anniversary, monthsavery, birthdays, and the whole process of getting toknow soemone, or being KNOWN by them that sounds so uncomfortable and excruciating i always fear that one day i may decide i dont want to love this person anymore and leave. i will say "its not you its me" and it will be true but nobody will believe me . in fantasies, yes its nice to be able to love and be loved, but in irl i just dont think i have it in me. maybe its the inexperience and it will go away. maybe it will forever be a part of me.

am i comfortable with being single ? yes ofc ive done so all my life.

does it get lonely? always. but i may be viewing love thru rose-tinted glasses more than i should, which is why anything realistic is scary.

p.s. i really do feel bad breaking his heart hes fr posting sad lyrics on his instagram stories. its a shame he was really cute and funny but...

it could be that you’re just not ready to date and that’s perfectly okay !! pushing people away is also sometimes a defensive mechanism to avoid intimacy and protect yourself from getting hurt, and i get it too bc falling in love + dating can be scary 🤧 and i also understand the environment with no words of affirmation bc i don’t think i’ve ever heard my parents say i love you ?? LOL but it is all the more intimidating to hear it from others bc of that. it’s also hard with lack of experience bc you don’t know what to do when you get to that level of dating someone and forming a serious relationship so you avoid getting to that stage overall 🥲

being in a relationship IS draining so don’t beat yourself up over feeling like you don’t have it in you right now !! it’s a lot of work and commitment and a great experience for ppl who feel like they’re ready for that first step and put in the work, but there’s never any rush to be ready and vulnerable with someone !! honestly it’s hard for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with someone ,, but that’s probably because i haven’t gotten to that point in my life yet :’)) i thought the same about graduating high school and going to college but yk here i am 😳

i think once you’re with someone you love you’ll be able to alleviate these worries !! i know you’re worried about falling out of love and leaving them, but those are situations that couples would talk through and work out. i’m not saying it’s gonna be all rainbows but yk you won’t have to just say “it’s not you it’s me” you’ll be able to have a full discussion about it and talk it through with your partner ♡

right now it’s maybe best to focus on other relationships in your life like your friendships !! starting to become vulnerable in those might prepare(??) you more to open up to a potential partner in the future !! :’)

[wowtobio]

Hi! Can I request headcanons where Atsunu and Oikawa are in love with the same girl and compete for her love? I

New Neighbor? Where Atsumu and Oikawa try to win your love

thanks for the request :) i hope u enjoy! 

warnings: slight angst and implied sexual content

-

*pretend hinata is you hehe ;) 

“(y/n)-chan!! I can’t believe you’re leaving me!!” Oikawa complains as you pack the last few things in your overflowing suitcase.

It was a hot, sunny Saturday afternoon in your home in Miyagi and you found yourself in your room with Oikawa casually laying on your bed. 

“Tooru, I’m sorry you know this was not my choice.” You spoke softly, Oikawa sat up and continued his whining 

“But still! We’ve been together since we were kids and you’re just gonna abandon me?? After everything we’ve been through!!?” You threw a pillow at the loud mouthed setter.

It was true, when you moved to Miyagi when you were 6 years old, you two hit it off and are still as close as ever today. Your parents had demanding jobs that required them to travel all over Japan leaving you home alone. Your parents were close with Oikawa’s so they trusted to look after you. You were practically raised by them but over time you learned to fend for yourself with a little help from him and his family. 

“Quit your screaming! And don’t make it out like we’re dating hmph. You still have Iwa-kun to cling onto. You’ll be alright.” You stood up and clasped his hands with yours. A fire sparked into your eyes as you looked at him. 

“Besides, you have to promise me that you’ll go and win nationals. Win the dream with your team!” Oikawa glances at your hands before letting them go and hooking his pinky with your small, dainty ones. 

“Mm, you can count on me (y/n)-chan” 

You smile brightly and without warning wrap your arms around the brunette’s neck. He pauses before allowing his hands to gather at the small of your back and hugging your waist. As a goodbye, you squeeze him closer and bury your face in the crook of his neck and he digs his face into your shoulder. Your breath hitched in your throat as you swear you felt him press a kiss on your neck, but you didn’t mention it. You two just savored the moment and each others warmth as it was probably going to be the last time you two would be in each others presence for awhile. Probably.

-

It has been two months since your family made the move to Hyogo, your parents as expected were not home as usual and at first it was hard for you to adapt without the presence of your parents and your childhood best friend who you texted every single day.

“heyo tooru!” 

“(y/n)-chan! i miss you ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ do you miss mee~?” 

“yah wish idiot, i’m just checkin up on yah”

“YABBEI!! ୧(๑•̀ᗝ•́)૭ you already have the kansai accent noo!!” 

“shut up! i adapt! and fyi i do not talk like this irl”

“okok whateverrr, how’s inarizaki?” 

With your high grades and excelling in academics you were able to transfer into Inarizaki high with no problem. You did not have any friends though, you did not really fit in or belong to certain cliques at the school.

“it’s been alright, kinda prestigious though and ppl have egos but nothing i can’t handle. def better than dealing with you hehe~” 

“im hurt (y/n)-chan! but that’s good, watch out for their volleyball team they’re pretty strong (ง’-‘︠)ง“

You raised an eyebrow as you realized that your new school did indeed have a volleyball team. You’ve heard about them quite a lot as they are supposedly really good, placing at nationals consecutively. You made a mental note to yourself to look further into it whenever you cared too and you bid Oikawa a quick goodbye text. You remembered an important package was waiting outside so you slipped on some shoes and ran out to get it. 

Upon approaching your mailbox, you notice two guys walking towards your direction and you glance up at them. One blonde-haired guy rambling to an uninterested sliver-haired who was practically an exact replica to him. Twins? You thought to yourself as you took a double-take.

Despite their similarities in looks, your attention gravitated towards the blond twin. Just the way his soft looking locks parted to the right over his hooded, dark eyes you could lost in. His overall energy was one that interested you. He felt your lingering gaze on him and made eye contact with you and smirked. 

You blushed lightly and hurriedly grabbed your package. You rushed since you were just wearing short shorts and a crop top. Avoiding any interactions with the pair, you walk away and miss the eyes of the blonde twin looking up and down at your body. 

Slamming your door shut, back against it you let out a sigh of relief and peek out the window to see the twins walk into the house right next door to you. The blush on your face still burned slightly, your curiosity heightens 

“New neighbors? How interesting”

-

School has ended, yet you found yourself aimlessly walking the now empty halls of Inarizaki. You wanted to avoid going home, as you did not want to be spending anymore time in an empty household and without your best friend you missed dearly. 

Your aimless wandering has led you to the volleyball gym, curiosity killed the cat and you found yourself entering the gym and stepping up at the balcony to watch practice from afar. Your eyes immediately went to the golden yellow haired guy who was apparently also your neighbor.

He sets to his teammate effortlessly and you couldn’t help but watch with amazement of his moves and how he brought out the best in the spiker. His technique was similar to Tooru’s, just a bit different. It was like his own twist. You always watched Tooru play with awe, however this guy’s setting just hit differently within you. 

You stared for a bit too long, as said setter looks up the balcony to see your form. The fangirls nearby you screech for his attention, only for him to send you a smirk and you blush profusely and immediately break the eye contact once again. 

Eventually, you found yourself coming back to the same gym at the same time everyday for the week. You went because of how much the players practiced and played flawlessly, but secretly because you wanted to watch the blonde setter in action of course. And since you were not enrolled in any clubs you killed time after school on that very balcony. 

Blonde twin has noticed you at every practice, every now and then he would nod towards you and/or throw a lopsided smile to you that made your heart jump lightly. 

It was the end of practice and you were about to walk out of the empty gym until you felt a hand grab your wrist, pulling you back. 

“Wait!”

You gasp slightly upon seeing the blonde setter. A little too close for comfort. A tint of pink dusted your cheeks as you gulped and stared into his eyes.

“Miya Atsumu, who are you?”

-

“TOOOORUUU YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED” You jumped into bed and called your childhood best friend with no warning.

“E-eh?? (y/n)-chan are you okay?? Are you finally coming back to mee????” 

“NO SILLY! okay hear me out for a moment” 

You rambled on and on about your interaction with the setter, a hint of excitement in your tone that goes unnoticed by Oikawa.

“(y/n)-chan, you do know that Miya Atsumu is one of the best setters in Japan right?” 

You immediately shut up, mouth open slightly and you noticed Oikawa’s sudden drop in mood.

“A-ah, I did not know that, sorry..” You rubbed your arm out of nervousness as the line went silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

“You.. you still support me though right (y/n)-chan?” 

“Of course Tooru!”

“You promise?”

“Yeah, of course. I believe in you”

-

Over the next few weeks, you and Atsumu have been interacting a lot more than others would’ve expected. You two slowly got closer to each other, exchanged numbers, walking in the halls together, eating lunch together, even during passing time he would come visit you in your class. Rumors erupted here and there but you would ignore them, all you cared about was the fact that you were getting close to the handsome setter and you couldn’t help but feel a weird sensation in your chest whenever you were around him. 

Being neighbors, you two sometimes catch each other walking by the window and laugh at how both of you were caught off guard. He would even text you about it.

“you looked pretty cute there (n/n)-chan~”

Your heart flutters and you giggle replying back. Then you two would text the whole night away.

One night, you were on the phone with Oikawa as usual updating each other about your lives. 

“And then! You won’t believe it (y/n)-chan, Iwa-chan then threw the volleyball! At the back of my head!! How embarrassing uwaaah” 

You giggled cutely, “But I do believe it!” Oikawa just grumbles on the other side of the line and you continue to laugh. A text message then pops up from Atsumu, wishing you a goodnight. You subconsciously smile and were reminded that you should probably tell your best friend of the recent closeness. 

“Ne Tooru, I have somethings to update you about Atsumu.” It was absolutely silence on the other side, you worried slightly but took it as a sign to continue.

You ranted on about the progression of your friendship with Atsumu, almost in a dreamy tone. You finished and were met with silence which worried you even further.

“Toor-”

“We have a match with Karasuno tomorrow.” You were caught off guard with the sudden subject change. 

“E-eh? That’s Kageyama-san’s team right? And you should be sleeping then!” 

“Yeah, that guy drives me mad. But we’ll be fine, we will win” Oikawa says. You admired whenever Oikawa was passionate and serious about his dreams. 

“Of course, I wish you luck! I’ll watch you guys from home.” 

“Thank you~ Sweet (y/n)-chan” You laugh and cringed at him, but his tone went serious unexpectedly once again.

“Ne (y/n)-chan I have a question for you.”

“I’m all ears Tooru.”

“Do you have feelings for Atsumu?” 

Your breath got caught in your throat. Feelings?

“I- uhm. I think it’s too early to have feelings like that, right Tooru?”

“Mmm.” 

On the other side of the line, Oikawa frowns. 

-

They lost

They lost against Karasuno

You sat on your coach, tears forming as your hands cupped your mouth in shock. 

They can’t go to nationals

You watched painfully as you saw the cameras zoom in on the victors of Karasuno and cuts to Oikawa’s face of disbelief alongside the team members’ similar reaction and a few crying faces. Tears were as of now flowing down your face.

Tooru’s dream

You spent the next few days constantly calling and texting your best friend to check on him and remind him he did his best. He barely replied back, answering with blunt and passive answers that worried you to the core. Oh what would you give to take a train to Miyagi and comfort him. 

You heard a knock at your door, ears perked up and you walk over to answer. 

“A-atsumu??” You were shocked at the sudden appearance of him at your front door. 

“What’re you doing here??” He leans against the doorway, hands in his pockets. His casual attire being fitted black joggers, a green hoodie and a nice jacket over. You couldn’t help but stare. 

“Am I not allowed to visit yah (n/n)-chan. And it is rude to stare yanno. Not even allowing a guest in?” He smirks as you fumble with your words and let him in your home. 

“I was just making lunch, w-would you like to join me?” He smiles attractively as he takes off his coat and hangs it up. 

“Don’t mind if I do.” 

The afternoon was spent with you cooking lunch for the two of you, jokes cracked up and you both laughed and bonded. 

“What do yah mean? You never saw the movie??” You giggled.

“Hah, you expect me to be going out all the time? I’m the loner here.” 

“Nope nope, not with me around. I am taking you out to see this movie right now.” He grabs your wrist and drags you towards your room. Your heart did a thing.

“Go get ready.” You blushed red questioned frantically what was happening.

“W-what? What do you mean? Where are we going? WHat??” Atsumu waves his hands.

“Don’tcha worry about it doll. I’ll pay for your ticket, and it’ll only be the movies. Yah parents aren’t even home and I’ll bring yah back home in one piece.” 

With further convincing you sigh and agreed to his offer. As you slipped on a casual, fitting dress along with a bit of touching up of your hair and makeup your mind wanders to Oikawa. You still worried about him.

“I hope he’s doing okay..” You mumble to no one in particular. 

“Hope whose doin okay?” You jump at Atsumu’s sudden intrusion in your bedroom. 

“N-nothing! Well I’m ready now so let’s go.” Before heading out, Atsumu blocks your path and checked you out real quick. 

“Wow~ You look gorgeous (n/n)-chan” You blushed heavily and ushered him out of your room and the house. 

-

You two arrive at the train station, making light conversation where Atsumu would drop compliments every now and then that would make you redder than a tomato.

Casually strolling side by side, your shoulders bumping into each other. You stop in your tracks as Atsumu does the same, your eyes widening at the sight of Oikawa.

“T-tooru!” 

“…(y/n)-chan” 

Atsumu raises an eyebrow. 

“W-what are you doing here Tooru? Are you okay??”

“I simply just needed to see you… I missed you but I see that I am interrupting something?”

Your eyes widened, you wanted to run into Tooru’s arms but Atsumu was right beside you..

Conflicted

“Well well well, if it ain’t pretty setter Oikawa. How did that game the other day go?” Atsumu says in a taunting manner, you backhanded Atsumu’s chest lightly scolding him. However, Astumu continues 

“I think you should let her go lover boy, she’s mine.” Atsumu wraps and arm around your shoulder. You gasped as Oikawa ticks at that.

“You barely know her, don’t even think about touching her!” Oikawa growls out.

“G-guys please stop!” You felt so conflicted with your feelings. You did recently felt interested in Atsumu. On the other hand, you constantly missed and cared for Tooru. 

“She obviously likes me over you boy, I dunno your problem but I will be taking my lady out if yah don’t mind.” 

“To hell! (y/n)-chan’s been mine.” Oikawa grabs your wrist and pulls you towards him. 

“(y/n), what are you doing out with him? Is this a date? Do you actually like him more than me?” 

You flustered up at Oikawa’s words.

“No! W-well it may seem like a date, but we’re just out watching movies together alone! W-wait that sounds like a date oh my goodness. I don’t even know anymore ugh-” 

You felt so overwhelmed to the point you could not help but break your grasp from Oikawa and run from the two. 

“(n/n)-chan!”

“(y/n)!” 

You kept running, ignoring their calls.

What were you going to do? 

Who were you going to choose?

You did not know anymore

-

a/n: heyhey sorry if that turned out bad ;; i am conflicted on how to end this short headcanon so I was thinking of writing something with both endings where you either choose Oikawa or Atsumu. Only if you guys want so please let me know! And also at that last interaction I made Oikawa seem more serious since I imagine he would still be affected by losing ofc poor boi. Sorry if that seemed too ooc for Oikawa. N e ways, thank you guys sm for the support and reading my writing. PLs let me know if you would like that part two! ily :)

[aresrl]

I hihi I am!!! A little nervous w/ doing this bc I've never done this b4 so please bear🐻 w// me💦 May I request a match up? A vision, a romantic partner and maybe a friend and/or enemy? If that's too much feel free to just assign me a vision + partner, ehe/// Preferably male for a romantic match-up, but either gender is fine with a friend and enemy match-up^^ I tried to be as detailed as possible but I think I ended up just ranting, so im v v sorry if it's long! I sort of fluctuate when it comes to being an introvert/extroverted. W// strangers and irl, I'm very introverted and shy!! Rarely speak and if I do it's just the usual "Hi how are you? That's good. I'm good too, thank you for asking:)" yeayea I'm not too. Keen on social interaction irl. But I always do my best to be very nice!! I never wanna come off as mean bc wow what a bad first impression that would be. But with friends / ppl ik online?? Whew I am very very friendly n chatty ^^ Either very high energy or very chill, there's rarely any inbetween. Sometimes I like to jokingly tease my friends but I'd never go too far / make them uncomfortable!! And if I do I always apologize right away!! I like to say that I'm affectionate?? My strongest love language is def physical affection, if not quality time. Idk man there's just something about vibing with someone or hugging them that just aaaaa/// Although I usually display affection w// words of affection bc. Literally most of my friends are online friends so I can't actually hug them, sad times. Idk if this is needed/important info but I just remembered: I'm 5'6 around??? Need glasses bc. Whew i am blind (near sighted), I'm poc (specifically black) anndd, hm. Actually I think thats it for this section, aha. As you can see I'm, not really all that organized. Also I don't have the best attention span - while writing this I'm circling between 4 different apps - and I'm a bit of a mess. And also a little stupid. Just a smidge dumb. But I have my moments - I solved like. 2 puzzles in Inazuma by myself so I think that counts for something. I also find that I tend to talk a whole lot when I have an idea or smthn to say abt a thing I'm super interested in!! That's info-dumping. I info dump. Yes. I also really like to listen to other people talk abt things they like!!!! Its so nice :) I'm protective over people I care about!! I've never done it but 100% would bark at someone who messed with someone close to be. Arf arf yaknow. I tend to he impulsive. I'll do something, and be all "YEAH>:D" and then regret it later. And then I'll do it all over again in a fun little cycle :) I consider myself an optimist, but quickly turn into a pessimist whenever it concerns myself. Fun funfun. Should probably mention that I am. A very insecure person w/ dangerously low self esteem, which is super fun esp when you mix that with the fact that I'm rarely ever motivated to improve. Yayayay Also sort of a pushover?? Like most often than not I'll be convinced to do something, even if I'm not too keen on doing it. Also afraid of confrontation when it comes to my friends and strangers (that is, if it's concerning me!! I'll order smthn for my friend but if I need to order for myself?? uhh stutter time aha). I'm also a mega simp ahah! Srsly though if I fall for someone/get infatuated with someone I. Will be so obvious abt it even though I try very hard not to be. Would gush over that person probably. I don't really like mean people tbh. Like yes I'll be nice and civil with them but!!! I cannot stand!!! Rude people!!! Esp when they're mean for no reason like sir??? maam??? homie??? chill pls ty<3 People who aren't necessarily mean, but moreso have bastard energy and are just really "hehe>:D" but playfully are p poggers tho!!! I think I get along with kids!! I have a little sister,, around like. Nine? And we get along really well!! I also try and match a kid's energy whenever I'm tasked with looking after them. I take pride in the fact that kids like me >:].... even if they sometimes scare me-- Ok, interest time!!

I like art!! Quite a bit!! Less of a realistic artist and more of a cartoonist!! Idk there's just something fun abt drawing cartoons, hehe. I also like self ships - I have quite a bit of them, actually ! Idk its comforting drawings your fictional crushes loving you idkidk. I like writing too! Both original stories, and one-shots or personal fics that are associated with already created media!! Writing character backstories and personalities and stuff is also fun too! I've even made my own fictional world with a full fledged backstory n everything! It's very fun to think about. I'm a day dreamer!!! Yea remember when I said I write stories? I day dream abt potential stories even more. Mmm daydream world so nice so warm so fun I read aswell!! Mostly fantasy books, or stories where animals are the protagonists. Think Warrior Cats. But my favorite book series has got to be Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Fantasy owl books, anyway! X Readers are also things I enjoy reading :) Again, s I m p Also gaming!!! Is something fun I do sometimes!!! Although it's usually Genshin Impact, or Wii Sports/Resort w// my little sister. Oh, also pokemon! I rlly like Primarina, Vaporeon, Sylveon and Vulpix/Ninetails! I absolutely adore sweet foods, and baking is smthn I'm def interested in! Don't like foods w// weird textures though, like beans or mashed potatoes. Also I. Love spice so much. Mmm love it when my mouth burns so bad. Don't have a favorite animal but I've had three cats in my lifetime (btw not important but my current cat is named Sylvester and. He's my baby boy) so I am. A very big cat fan. Probably not needed but I really like sword and claymore characters. Literally all of the characters I main are either sword or claymore users. Although I did get Diona, so I miiight start forcing myself to learn how to aimmm. I see that I tend to like people/characters that are a little more extroverted than me. Upbeat, happy type beat!!! Nice sunshine babies, :) I think thats it! I hope this was good enough? Again, first time doing this (at 2am nonetheless) so forgive me if I got too rambly or did anything wrong ^^ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! And I hope your day is good / you had a good day, depending on when you read this, ehe!

Hey! Sorry if the wait has been long! I also love Warrior Cats (I promise myself, one day I'll finish it.)

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I hesitated between the Pyro and Hydro vision, but your energy distinguishes you from the Hydro vision. • You said you were impulsive, always doing something you might regret later but still doing it. • You react quickly: as you said, if somebody hurt someone you love, you won't think twice before barking. Your partner would be... Xingqiu! “This feeling was unexpected.” • At first, you were just friends, and Xingqiu really loved to tease you. Actually, you both teased each other. But eventually, a feeling of love towards you grew into Xingqiu. And that was reciprocated. • Your relationship is filled with teases, jokes, and good/funny moments where you mostly share what you commonly appreciate. • He also knows when to get serious: for example, he does everything to support you during your moments of struggle concerning your self-esteem. Your friend would be... Childe! “Luckily, I'm here!” • You two also share funny moments, especially during situations where your “stupidity” is overtaken by his insight. • Sometimes, he finds you cute. • He likes the fact that you get along well with kids. It leads you to great moments with him and his siblings. • You're quite the opposite in terms of self-esteem. I think it's a good thing because it makes you complementary. Your enemy would be... Albedo! A misunderstanding. • You wouldn't hate each other, but I think Albedo wouldn't like the way you use your energy, and when you're more in a chill mood (meaning you're more available for him to talk), he could get pissed at how much times he'd have to repeat himself for you to understand something. • He's very patient, but he understood quickly that his interests would maybe not be within your reach. • You would just be too different. Worth to mention • You and Venti are like drama queens in Mondstadt. You are good friends. But you both know that you can't be more, as it would eventually both drag you down (because of similar problems). • Klee is also your best friend: both of you share decisions that you definitely will regret later. Or maybe not. • Hu tao and you are kinds of silently competing over who's the best tease, and she beats you. My goal is definitely not achieved. I hope I can catch up tomorrow. And don't worry, it was surprisingly good for a first description!

[shesawriter39049]

|Got Me Loosin All My Cool| M|

Pairings: Jungkook X Reader | Jimin X Reader( Smut) FT- Side Tae & Yoongi

Note: Kook is in 80% of this but he’s “new” to the dynamic...so the smut is with Jimin and the OC...not Kookie!

About- Jimin and yourself take Jungkook shopping for a new suit to wear to the “Spectrum” launch party! OH, and Jimin fucks you in the backseat of your truck in the parking garage of the mall…..

OR: You know Kookie still in that “Broke college grad” phase only being with the company barley a month, and you don’t want him to feel self-conscious at the event! You’ve also been too busy to really check in with him to see how he’s adjusting! So, you thought something like this, in a more laxed atmosphere, would be a good solution! Oh and Jimin, honestly he’s just nosey as fuck and inched himself along, like nobody really invited him he invited his damn self! Also Jungook can’t underatand why the fuck your all so damn attractive...like...why!?

Jungkook’s a sweetheart and lowkey confused and whipped for everybody

Tae’s kinda being a spoiled asshole

Yoongi’s over it!

Jimin’s being a brat, he’s not use to having to “Behave” around others, espeically while your wearing “that” dress.....

-Song Reference- COOL-  Dua lipa

WC: 6K

WARNINGS: Semi-public sex/Top OC/Power bottom Jimin/ Spit play/ Cum play/ Fingering (F receiving) Cockrings/Lube (yes ppl actually use that IRL )Dirty talk/ biting, finger sucking

FINAL NOTE: This little excerpt is the prequel to the next full-length one-shot “All Eyes On Me” which is Hoseoks official ‘Intro” if you will. The full Summary for that can be found in the Masterlist which is linked below! Also if you’re new here..this is a stand-alone one-shot within my OT7Poly AU called “7 Deep” Short version: Your husband Namjoon and yourself run a successful Adult Film Entertainment Company called “Onyx” with your 5 best friends from college who you also happen to be in an open relationship with!

(Sneak peek)

~~~~~~

ONXY ENTERTAINEMENT 10:45 AM

Jungkook’s happy I guess almost surprisingly so, I mean yeah Yoongi and yourself seemed cool in the interview, and when he did is work interview the vibe was chill. But let’s get real, we all know shit always seems better than it actually is in the interviews!

For one he honestly wasn’t expecting to be given such free reign already which is also why he’s happy as hell he didn’t listen to his roommate’s Mark and Ten and lie on his resume. Granted, everything still had to go through Yoongi first but he wasn’t just... I don’t know editing thumbnails like he thought he was actually doing real work. He’s been here barely a month and he already has reels he can add to his portfolio! Learning new tips and tricks, believe it or not, even through his internships he’s learned that some people are stingy when it comes to sharing knowledge. Yoongi however was far from that, thankfully he was well aware that just because you teach someone your “secrets” doesn’t mean you’re essentially replacing yourself! What makes you good at your job isn’t just how it’s done its how you do it!

If only Kookie could stop internally fangirling over Yoongi his life would be a little easier! He’d seen hundreds of your companies films before and being the production major he is..of course, he’d watch it the first time to jack off..then the second time he’d find himself just as if not even more turned on for the production quality. That’s something Onyx is always praised for..”Aesthetically pleasing porn”. Every morning, Yoongi would sit him down and show him something new and for the first time he finally understands what people mean when they say that someones mind is..attractive! Not Yoongi himself though, because that’s his boss and that would be weird but like his brain, ya know? Yoongi’s brian is sexy in a broboss way...I don’t know just go with it!

Anyway, Kook’s current project was actually one of his favorites so far because it was forcing him to actually challenge himself! This was something actually requested by Hoseok, who he learned was 26, the head of marketing, always bouncing around like he’s had 6 expresso shots and somehow manages to make streetwear look professional…. But anyway the task is creating trailers for films that are pc enough to not be blocked on platforms like IG but spicy enough to get ppl to wanna watch the full thing. Making a climax without the actual climax if you know what I mean. So he’d have to sit there and watch the films, try not to get hard and wanna jack off while watching said films...then take notes and screencaps of the best moments and compile them together without showing “too much”. He’s never been so thankful that he could wear sweatpants to work….because…..yeah it was hard..literally and figuratively hard...but like I said he’s happy and can pay his bills so that’s cool too!

Don’t get me wrong he still feels a little out of place at times and surprisingly enough not for the reason he expected! Two months shy of his 21st bday he assumed he’d feel a type of way because he’s the youngest but that’s not the case! Hell, they went to Nobu for lunch last week and Jin actually slid him his drunk so he wasn’t the only one not drinking!  Flashing him a cheeky little wink and whispering “Don’t tell mom” in reference to you once Kook looked back at him like a deer in headlights! It seems as though they care more about his talent than his age which is the way it should be because he knows he’s good at what he dose!

However, Onyx is kinda like those offices you see on TV, the kind he never thought where real, behind closed doors the environment is far from pc! It’s not a normal morning unless somebodies cursing out there computers! This morning he swore Taehyung told Jimin he had a shrimp dick…… There’s “that’s what she said” jokes being thrown out left and right, people cracking jokes on one another. And it’s not that he feels uncomfortable by any means again he’s a 20 y/o kid from LA it’s just ...he’s new...ya know? So he doesn’t know if he’s “allowed” to do that! So in the meantime, he just spends his days laughing until his chest hurts!

But besides that everybody’s chill , he’s still trying to learn people, regardless of how laxed the office is everybody’s busy as all hell especially Namjoon and yourself! The two of you are actually his biggest mystery, he’s never thought of marriage being something that he’d want. He’s always heard that people change, and shit gets boring, but even in a work environment that’s far from the vibe he gets from the two of you! You actually make marriage seem exciting, worth it, like a gift, not a task…..

Something else that he can’t truly wrap his head around is that your his boss, like legitimately his boss! Somebody that looks like you,I mean fuck your not even 30, you sway around the office in your little dresses and designer heels! Always dolled up hell sometimes he questions if he’s the one in some upscale porno! Actually, not just you all of you why the fuck are all of you so effortlessly attractive and put together?! To make it even worse you all know your shit too! Two days ago for example Kook went to Yoongi to ask if there was a certain way he wanted the ending credits to come into frame, and instead of Yoongi responding you did! Using terminology that had him ready to run home and pull out his “Intro to production” text box! Shit don’t make any Goodman sense...even Yoongi sitting in his office looking like he could be in one of the films he’s editing and no, god no why is he thinking this about his higher-ups?! No, no, nope try again Jeon!

However, now that we’re on this topic, there is one person that he can’t quite wrap his head around...I mean yeah he’s nice but he just seems more reserved around Jungkook than everyone else. Which is odd considering he’s the one Kook meet first, he’s actually the one that encouraged him to even submit his resume, to begin with! What makes it even odder is Yoongi and yourself actually told him that Tae was the most outgoing...it’s not that Jungkook nessercally thinks Tae dislikes him it’s just ...I don’t know, I don’t know…I guess he was just...warmer when the two of them met at Starbucks then he is now that they actually work together!

...And I guess that’s why he almost shit himself when his phone rang and the incoming name rang though as….”Taehyung Kim”...he kinda hoped he pocket dialed him and would just hand up! But wait, I guess you can’t really do that from a landline can you?? Fuckkkkkk

“I know technologies come a long way Kook, but phones don’t answer themselves ya know…” Eyes fluttering over to see Yoongi smirking at him, tone blatantly amused as he flipped through a file he had in his hands.It’s like he could sense how nervous he is too “Don’t worry about Tae, he’s more bark than he is bite, he’s literally a puppy dressed in Gucci…” Flicking his chin in the direction of the phone with a reassuring smile.

With a timid nod and shaky fingers Jungkook picks up  the call on the final ring “H-hello??”

“Jungkook? Can you come to my office in the next 5 or so minutes?” His tone wasn’t rude by any means but it also wasn’t the most inviting. Eyes fluttering overly timidly in Yoongis direction because he knew Tae was loud enough that the elder could hear and he smiled fondly, nodding in approval. Arms crossed firm against his chest, head cocked to the side, eyes squinting slightly from under his black baseball cap, as if he was now purposely trying to hear the conversation.

“Umm, yeah, yeah of course…” God, why does he sound like he’s still going through puberty right now!? Voice fluttering ina and out of an octave!

“Great!”

Tae just hangs up, no goodbye ...promoting Yoongi to roll his eyes, with an exasperated sigh...Jungkook just sits there for a moment, not too sure what to do!

“You’re free to go, Seok dosen’t need these until Friday and your deifiently far enough along, a little time away from your desk wont hurt! Oh, just save your stuff first though! The systems moving slow as fuck and I’m about ready to break my damn computer so I’ll probably do a system reboot while you’re gone!”

Jungkook nods timidly, swallowing so hard he’s sure Yoongi heard it, fingers scattering to do as Yoongis instructed, he literally feels like he’s going to throw up! Why does Tae make him so nervous? I mean no offense but Tae isn’t even his boss why is he more freaked out of Taehyung than is actual boss!

He hears a heavy sigh fall from behind him, as Yoongi invites himself to take a seat, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder ‘First off, you’re doing fucking great, and I mean that, so step back...and breath...” Squeezing his shoulder slightly, tone calm yet stable enough to ground the younger! 

 “Second, I’m ordering lunch from that coney up the street, Hyungs treat” He watches Jungkook go to open his mouth in protest and Yoongi just groans, loud and obnoxious, eyes fluttering to the back of his head more times than he can count!

“Don’t even try and give me that “Your not hungry bullshit” Eyes narrowing in the youngers direction challangingly “So let’s try this again, what do you want? And yes Tae can wait I already texted him and told him so you’re fine! Now go to google and pull up Leo’s menu and lets order lu-”

“Yonngggggiiiii!!!’ Whines through the studio, which only promps the man in question to slowly sink into his chair as if he was trying to make himself dissapear! And before Jungkook can even make heads or tails as to what’s happening...a pair of skin-tight leather pants, a florial silk shirt, that was sitting so low it mideswell not even be buttoned, flashy shades and windswept pastel pink hair comes strutting in... Looking like something straight out of Vouge so again he asks why the fuck does everybody look like this!?

Not even botherng to ask if he’s interupted anything, just flinging his arms around the production manager’s neck, propping his chin on top of his head,

“I need like...20 headshots edited...in the next half hour” Jungkook watched Yoongi go completely ridgit a scowl on his face as he tried to pull away but the casting manager only held on tigher “...and before you kill me even though I drunk some of it this Amerciano is for you soooo, I feel like I’ve made it worth or while, please and thank you! ” Smiling so big his eyes dispered into his face it took everything in him not to coo and swoon all at the same damn time!

Jimin fucking Park......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heyyyyyyyy,

That’s all she wrote for now, don’t know the post date yet, I’ve written up wo when they actually go to the mall so it’s like halfway done.....

MASTERLIST FOR THIS AU IS DOWN BELOW, I’M GLAD PEOPLE ARE ENYOING THIS “UNIVERSE”!

7 DEEP

[locktobre]

Ur most recent post just made me wonder why Barbie hasn’t done a Vlog/episode about blocking negative people yet, like it’s really a missed opportunity cause it would help younger kids a ton because I have no problems blocking people online (I’m 23) but my younger sister (she’s 16) is suuuper worried about how people are gonna view her/she’s nervous about seeming too harsh when it comes blocking people & I think if Barbie made a Vlog or episode about it then people wouldn’t see it as a bad thing

In all honesty, I think it’s bc Barbie’s content is made by ppl older than us, so they may not really... get it. Like, if Barbie did anything on the topic, I feel like they would just say, like, walk away from your computer or tell an adult or something and it’s like, yeah but also... block them. Like I know ppl know about blocking but it’s like, I swear ppl that didn’t really grow up with/on social media don’t really get it the same way. And even ppl that did sometimes still get hung up on those things, but it’s like...

Okay, so I’m completely against the mentality that online is not real life, bc obviously it is. What ppl say and do online absolutely reflects who they are in the flesh, especially in cases where they may be able to say things anonymously, bc then it’s like you can really know who they are. Ppl say shit online all the time that they would never be brave enough to say irl bc they don’t want those consequences lmao. But on the other hand... Being online is unique in the sense that you really can curate your experience. You can block ppl and never interact with them again. You can have that freedom to put yourself in a space where you feel entirely comfortable with who you’re talking to and who’s talking to you. And some ppl really don’t do that, they feel like it has to be like real life, and you have to tolerate ppl who make you uncomfortable or say things you don’t agree with--and it doesn’t even have to be major things! Like, I block ppl I don’t agree with on just fandom stuff all the time. Ppl I’ve never even interacted with, but like, I can tell from their posts that we are never, ever gonna vibe, so I just cut that shit off at the pass in case we ever did run across each other.

And I wasn’t always like that, but I’m glad of the fact that I have gotten here. I worked hard to get to this place, where I feel comfortable curating my space like this. Bc it is hard, there is still some guilt and I wonder if I’m being too mean or too harsh or whatever, but at the end of the day... This is online. This is something I do for fun, this is the place I go to have my fun, and I don’t need anyone in my orbit that will make it not fun for me. That just completely ruins the point. (Other sites too, but obvs this is tumblr.) And like, ppl can think I’m mean for it. Fine, whatever. But I’m doing what I have to do for me, and I’m not out here picking fights with anyone, I think that’s far more unhealthy and destructive than simply blocking someone pre-emptively.

Anyway, back on Barbie... I also think that she kinda lacks the spine to have this attitude. She tolerates a lot of bs, not just in the vlogs but in DA, that I think is unhealthy. Like, I love Trey and Tammy as characters but she should never hang out with them. She doesn’t know how to put up boundaries in her life in any sense, apparently, so I’m not surprised they haven’t really touched on this. I wish they would but like... That would make Babs Too Mean I guess so they probably won’t lmao.

[szopenhauer]

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female 

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many 

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue?  nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was 

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second 

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah 

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :(  Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now  Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person  If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it  Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was 

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today?  for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired?  my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich 

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite 

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted 

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[wonderalwaysland]

Hey, I miss you

You know, what, even tho I started this blog for myself and thought maybe I want ppl to discover it, now I just feel like it’ll become a place where I write letters to you, Dream Boy(actually I find it cringy to call u that all the time, so I’ll just address u as you, as I think one day u might read all these posts, at least I hope so).

I just wanted to talk to you, so I felt like writing this. Actually I talk to  u in my mind as well, not sure tho, if it’s u who replies(ik it’s def me haha but still) I mean I just imagine what u would have replied, even tho idk you yet. But somehow I feel that I know you partly, ig we have something in common after all. There are so many things I’d like to share with u, my little discoveries, songs, feelings etc. And I hope u’d do the same one day. So now having no other way to connect to u other than in my mind and maybe dreams sometimes, I’m writing this letter to you. Btw sometimes I can really feel u beside me, it’s really a strange feeling, but I like it, and sometimes when I think about u or feel u my heart gets warm, I’ve never felt this way before. However I get this feeling rarely this days, compared to before.  I guess it’s because at that time I really needed ur help and support, now not as much, I feel like I’ve become stronger. Thank you for being there for me from the start of this year(it’s around that time I knew u r for real, tho I still have doubts about who u are, not that it matters, I still love u). In my mind or daydreams(?) we’ve been supporting each other, mainly just by being together, sometimes with words too. Actually we had fights too! haha But we are still together as u can see. One day when we meet and become really close, even when we have fights I hope we still will be together. You know, I imagined that we were lying on the bed(even tho we had a fight, I’ll tell u the reason later a bit)and u were holding my arm in urs two. Even though we both felt bitter and sad we couldn’t turn our backs on each other. I thought it was really touching and cute(?). You are dear to me and mean a lot for me, I can’t help but love u actually. And I really don’t want us to hurt each other’s feelings, but it can’t be helped sometimes. However that what makes our relationship grow, even though it hasn’t really started yet. No matter what I hope we will convey our feelings and try understanding each other. Really, I love you, I have never had this strong feeling before, it’s weird for me. I think my love for u is sth that has always been there (is what I want to say, but honestly I’m not sure about it). But I love you now, somewhere deep inside me. But it won’t stop me from doing the things I want to irl while we haven’t met yet. I’’ll be enjoying my life to the fullest(well, to the fullest in my understanding, not sure how full it is in other ppl’s minds). Currently I’m trying to leave my comfort zone for real, step by step, I hope I succeed. And till our meeting I’ll use u as my inspiration as I have many projects I’d like to do. I wrote 2 songs about u actually! but I haven’t composed a melody yet. I’ll take my time with it, but I have an idea of what it’ll sound like ig.

So, the thing I wanted to tell is that these days have been tough n sad a bit. But I feel better rn. I haven’t been feeling like drawing, or I was but I was busy and when I didn’t draw i felt bad about myself ugh. But them I reminded that I don’t have to worry about it and just enjoy my life and current moment. Sometimes I forget that, it’s tough to remember that all the time plus really realizing it takes time too. I gotta be easier on myself. I also wanted to go to a gig in Moscow but I couldn’t find a band that I like or that plays the songs that I like ;( And u know, I recently became friends with Sam. We are exchanging e-mails currently and we had a little falling out ig not sure what to call it tbh. So he’s really kind n sweet, I am happy to have him as a friend. But then I think he was daydreaming a bit too much and used lots of endearments in the mail, so I was conflicted. I def want to be friends with him, but what if he thought of it more than that is what I thought(and it made me sad), and then there is u. Ofc I thought for a bit that he might be u, but I know he isn’t, I’m sure of it somehow. And that was one of the reasons we had a fight with u. So in the end I told him what I thought about endearments and stuff, and I was relieved, I am kind of proud for myself for doing it. But he assured me that we are totally friends, but somehow he was sad for making me feel uncomfortable, it made me sad too actually. But it seems all is better now, he is really a good fellow n he had rough times, so he needs a friend and I am glad to be one for him, I actually need friends too. That’s funny how I have several internet friends and no friends in real life, but I have my cousins and sis, so it’s not that bad plus we’ve become closer, I can’t be happier about that(I can actually lol). But I hope to find some other friends too. Another sad thing was that I was feeling unsure of myself about getting a part-time job, just thinking too much about future, it really makes me worry more than I should. So I say to myself ENJOY CURRENT MOMENT AND tODAY, no overthinking about future, i feel better somehow. 

Yesterday mum and bro returned from football match, and Phil was sad, because my told he’ll quit football now as he doesn’t work enough and isn’t hard-working n stuff. *sigh* Well, my mum is just like this, she wants us to put all our effort n mind into a thing. It’s not really bad but from my experience I can say it’s tough. So I feel sad for my brother. Plus my parents are too much sometimes, dunno how to explain it tbh and it’s not like I wanna think about it rn. But they care and love us in their own way? I just felt deja vu rn haha.

So that’s what i wanted to say here ig. I like thinking about u. I don’t wanna idealize u and I don’t actually, but I feel so much love for u and sometimes when I think about it too much I don’t know what to do. But I often kiss n hug u and just enjoy ur presence <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo haha

Sometimes when I can;t fall asleep I imagine lying or hugging u, whatever it feels like at the moment and i fall asleep rather fast. I’ve told u that already but I want to share many things with u, so I often(or not rlly?) talk to u and we are happy or sad together, sometimes u also come to me sad or happy n we feel the same. And I create stories (which I wish to draw\write\animate someday) n usually we are there too! I hope u like fantasy, magic n fairy tales as much as I do. ALright, I gotta finish this letter, I’ll share some songs now. Aslo sometimes I listen to sings and it seems to me u might like them too, but I have no idea rn haha. I love you <3<3<3

[gothhabiba]

I live in a predominantly white area so I don’t have any friends, I would like some irl since I’m rly rly lonely so I’m considering white ppl. do u have any advice on the right kind of white ppl I can trust not to fuck me over since I have little to no experience w/ them or if you don’t can u at least tell me your experience with this kind of situation and how to deal with it (if you have any) since I really value your opinions and advice. thank you very much!

I grew up solely around white people for the first 17 years of my existence so you’re in luck

Signs Someone Is Tokenising You (note that depending on your specific situation some of these may not apply)

they make racist jokes at or around you but assume it’s okay because “we’re friends” / “I have an x friend” (i.e., you)

they tell you about times that other people of colour have told them that something they said or did was racist & ask you to assure them that said person of colour was overreacting

they treat you as the consummate authority on all things relating to your culture & 7 or 8 other cultures that they deem vaguely adjacent to yours

they want you to speak languages that you may have nothing to do with

they want you to bring them jewellery / clothing etc. from your Homeland

they want you to give them permission to say certain slurs

they want you to be their access point to certain language / music / etc.

they really, really want you to invite them to your wedding because they want to wear an [insert clothing item here]

Really Weird Comments About Your Physical Features

they act like you’re being unreasonable and aggressive when you’re ? not ?

they try to shut you up whenever you bring up racism in any way

or else try to bring every conversation back to the subject of racism when you’re just trying to chat

(the big one, the most important one) they will not stop doing something once you say you’re uncomfortable with it, they will tell you that you’re overreacting / it’s just a joke / “I thought we were friends” if you tell them that you’re uncomfortable with anything. anyone can learn & grow but this is a refusal to

some people are better at hiding this kind of attitude than others but just trust your instincts, speak up for yourself, and don’t give quarter to anyone who ignores you when you speak up for yourself.

& don’t let this worry you too much, I won’t lie & say that this isn’t sometimes fraught but it’s not constantly dire or anything and I’m sure that you will find people who respect you!!