#sometimes I forget I did minor in it though!!!! me suddenly remembering

[anarcoqueer1994]

So I wrote this earlier today but couldn't stop thinking about it so I wrote a little ficlet to get the brain worms to calm down. Also slightly inspired by @lacyberpatate s reblog of my original post

They were cuddling on the bench in the Ghost's kitchen, Kallus' head on Zeb's shoulder as he lazily flips through some old holos he wanted to show the blonde of his younger days. He blushes when he gets to the set of pictures from his 21st birthday on Coruscant. Before he shows them he says,

"I haven't looked through these in years, so no laughing okay?" Zeb asks, ears going back to indicate the minor embarrassment he feels, knowing that night was crazy, and he was so drunk, he barely remembers any of it.

"Garazeb," Kallus starts, laughing knowing his own wild youth, "I am sure it's not that bad." He smiles. "I've told you about my days on Coruscant."

Zeb smiles back, always forgetting that regardless of how posh his boyfriend sounds now, he wasn't always like that. Sometimes when they are on missions to less than savory areas, or even when they are being a little rough in bed, he is reminded that his beautiful, prissy, boyfriend is a street rat at heart. He finds it endearing.

So he proceeds to go through them, Kallus laughing at young Zeb drunkenly doing some keg stand outside some old pub. Kallus recognizes the pub as the one down the street from where he used to live.

"That's my old block..." he says softly.

"Is it? What a coincidence." Zeb laughs. "If I remember right, the owner was not happy with me and my friends, and chased us off. I don't get what the big deal was." Zeb says innocently. "I gave him more than enough credits to cover the the keg.

Kallus rolls his eyes. "Yea, I'm sure he was glad to have some loud, rowdy soldiers who were barely in there 20s making a mess of his place." He says sarcastically.

"Yea, yea...I guess yer right." He continues flipping as he talks. There are some pictures of him and his friends walking together, laughing. One where Zeb is smiling, flicking off the camera, another with his tongue out. They were adorable and Kallus was getting a kick out of it. "We ended up going to this bar down the street, the guys insisted. It was a strip...Karabast..." Zeb says as he flipped to the next picture pulling it up to his face, Kallus not being able to see.

Zeb pulls away so he can get a better look at Kallus' face, looking between him and the holo he was currently viewing, like he was trying to put something together.

"Zeb? What is it?" The blonde asks, confused on why Zeb is hiding the datapad containing the holo from him now, having pulled away.

"Uh...Kal?" Zeb asks, sounding almost dumbfound. "You said you did a lot of jobs back in the day to make ends meet, right?"

Yea?" He says incredulously, not getting why Zeb would ask right now.

"Was one of them, a um...um..." he is stuttering, embarrassed by what he is even asking.

"Zeb get on with it." Kallus is so confused right now, unsure what is even happening.

Instead of answering, he just shows Kallus the holo. There in the picture was a clearly tipsy Zeb looking up, entranced at a certain blonde covered in freckles as he sits on his lap, obviously giving him a dance. He was wearing a tiny pair of silver shorts and what looked like a pair of silver go-go boots. Zeb's hands were placed lazily on his hips as Kallus smiles down at him, the smile though not reaching his eyes.

Kallus' face goes red, mind jumping to the worst. Yea, it was a coincidence that he and Zeb had met 20 years prior. He vaguely remembers Zeb being kind as a little flash from that night came back to. He stood out because he would ask permission to do anything. But he couldn't focus on that right now. He could only think of his boyfriend's reaction. Was Zeb judging him for this? Was that why his boyfriend pulled away? He gets defensive, "You know, I may have been a stripper, but you came to see it..." He is embarrassed and suddenly he felt the same shame he felt as worked to make sure none of his imperial acquaintances never found out. He crosses his arms over himself, building an invisible wall to protect himself.

"Hey, hey, baby. It's okay" Zeb says sweetly, seeing what is going on. "There is nothing wrong with this...I was just caught off guard."

Kallus lets out a breath he did not realize he was holding. "I, um, wasn't trying to hide it from you or anything. I just, don't like to talk about that time, it was hard, you know?" he sounds deflated, defensiveness gone from his voice.

Zeb gently grabs his hand, pulling him close once again. He wraps his arm around him, as the blonde once against rests his head on the Lasat's shoulder "That's okay too, not wanting to talk about it. can I tell you something?"

""Yea, of course..." Kallus whispers.

"So I was obviously pretty drunk that night, because how else could I forget that pretty face of yours?" Kallus blushes as Zeb continues. "But I vaguely remembered him the next day, and every so often when I found myself back on Coruscant. I remember feeling this connection with him...with you." He corrects. "But I was never going to be that weird guy who asked a dancer out, I know they are doing their jobs. But I also remembered this sadness in your eyes, and I had always hoped that that dancer....that you, would have found something to make you happy. So are you happy, My Sweet Sasha?"

Kallus feels a warmness in his chest. As he looks around the little cozy kitchen he shares with his friends, as his boyfriend holds him tight, he could do nothing but smile, contently answering, "Yes, I think I am."

[miserymet]

Bit hesitant about posting this because it’s really old, but I feel it’s worth the minor embarrassment to:

1. Have actually writing on my blog because yes I do that sometimes

and,

2. Showcase how the Reploid AU is essentially about two different versions of Bass, largely dictated by circumstance

So if you are interested in how Bass recovers his memory in my Reploid Bass AU, I hope you enjoy this drabble I wrote over a year ago.

-

It’s a bit like death, he thinks.

Forte’s mind has always been a mess, it’s something he’s come to terms with. An outdated master system combined with far too advanced processors? It was a recipe for disaster. So when he’s awoken from his respite and suddenly faced with his own datascape, he’s less surprised than he should be. He knows this place. It’s where he goes when everyone else is dreaming. The center of his mind, where his every thought, his every feeling, is easily accessible.

But why is he here, and not awake? The procedure required that he was completely shut off. His every system in stasis. If it’s over, why isn’t he in the real world? Why isn’t he operating already? Forte looks around the empty space. Code fills his senses, white noise buzzing around him. An unrelenting dread fills his metal bones. Either the procedure failed, or…

Or he’s dead.

The old Forte.

There’s nothing to recover, is there? He’s going to be like this forever, stuck in this horrible limbo of past and present. Trapped in his ignorance, trapped in his mind-!

“No.”

Forte stops. His fears flees him, leaving him empty. That voice is…

“Mine. It’s mine.”

A low whistle punctuates his words, but he doesn’t make a sound.

“Sure is, Forte.” A chuckle. “Glad you like the name. I didn’t.”

Forte turns to find a lone figure at the edge of his consciousness. A figure he recognizes, though they’ve never looked so pristine. His old body looks at him, sans all the damage it once bore so nobly. Now it is a shiny black, with only a few thin scratches across its surface. The face it wears is rounder, the eyes softer. It’s him. His former self.

He should feel glad, right? This is what he wanted?

It still feels like death, somehow. 

“What is your name?”

“Our name was Bass.” A distinct correction. “And it was well known.”

“It worked, then? We remember?”

“I remember. You don’t. That’s because you’re not ready to accept me.”

“I am! I’ve wanted this for-!”

“You don’t know what THIS is!” Bass glares at him. “Even if you did, I’m not ready to accept you either. So give me the chance to explain before you make up your mind.”

Forte nods, though he doubts his former self needed the permission.

“I’ll rip the bandaid off quickly. We can’t both exist, Forte. Not at once.” He crosses his arms. “You want your old memories? You have to accept all of them. Not just the data, the routines too. It’ll be a complete recovery. A rewrite, to put it all back to the way it was.”

“Ego death.”

“For you, if you choose it.”

“If I don’t?”

“Then I die, and you forget. Permanently this time.”

“…my brother is dead. I’m a second rate hunter with a third rate system. I do not belong here anymore.”

“And I do? I haven’t had the privilege of rooting through your memories, but the log says we’re a hundred years in the future. I doubt we’d recognize the place.” Bass scoffs. “I don’t know anything about your world. I’m going to be even more displaced than you are.”

“Will you keep my data? Even if you cannot understand it?”

“…the memory. I’ll remember what and why, but my routines might not understand the decisions you made. You’ll wake up a stranger.”

“Why are we so different? Aren’t we the same robot?”

“We lost some things in the update. Certain protocol was rendered useless. Like you stopped recognizing your commands.” Bass pauses, a look of uncertainty crossing his face. “No, like you stopped recognizing who the commands referred to. They gave names, names you don’t recognize. His name is lost to you. So…”

“His?”

“Our purpose. The very reason we exist. You forgot him like it was nothing.”

“Z-,” he stops. He knows that name, so his purpose is something other than that. “Who?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’ll die easier if you let go of that.” Bass looks away. “Im scared, you know. Of the future. I remember how we died. The moments before. We expected to walk away that day. We expected to live. To move on. Go home. He took that from us.”

“He?”

“The man that lingers in your mind. I know him. I hate him. He loves you.”

“Loves me?”

“What are you, an echo?” Bass scoffs with more vigor this time. “We were proud, once. We stood tall and fought tooth and nail against all that challenged us. We were the strongest. You aren’t. You’re a coward. You’re weak.”

“I’m afraid too.” Forte closes his eyes. “I don’t want to disappear.”

“Then go. Go back.” Bass whispers. “I would’ve, if I knew. I was just about to…I was going to be something different. I was going to make a choice. A GOOD one, this time. I was going to…”

Forte blinks at his old self. “What? What were you going to do?”

“Have a family. A real one this time, one that would’ve cared about me. One that would give me a chance. But…”

“We died.”

“Yeah. Didn’t realize how bad I wanted it until it slipped from my hands. Until I was laying there, ripped to shreds, praying for someone to save me.”

“No one did, did they?”

“I wonder if they looked for me. I wonder if they thought I had run off. Like a coward.”

“There’s someone waiting for us. For you, out there. Go to him.” Forte takes a step forward. “He needs a friend and…I cannot do that for him. Not anymore.”

“Coward.”

“Yes.” He takes a deep, synthetic breath. “I’m ready, I think.”

“I’m not. But I’ll do it. I’m curious, anyway.”

[dreamy-emi]

Yandere Arthur Hastings headcanons

WARNING : Drug abuse, kidnapping, stalking

A/N : I'm writing this to overcome my writer block. Then again, work kept me busy...*sighs* oh well, happy reading.

⚠️MINORS DO NOT READ THIS⚠️

Few months back, the first time he saw you was a silly, clumsy person who didn't get the job done correctly ; misplaced files, wrong censors, wrong editing and so on he couldn't keep track of. Then again, he can't be mad because he was on Joy.

He always sighs before helping you out, almost begrudgingly even though he still has many piles of old newspapers that he should get done before the deadline.

You always thanked him, something he'd actually appreciated mentally. Although, sometimes he lets himself be sarcastic towards you, even on Joy. Oh well.

In return, you offered to help him sort out his works and he flatly rejected.

You kept bugging him to let you help him, until he asked Miss Byng to have Clive that little shit help you or transfer you somewhere.

The reason you want to help him is because you have had a crush on him ever since he helped you. But, you heard from some co-workers that Arthur has a crush on a woman named Prudence.

So, you decided to make yourself a dependable person for him.

Unfortunately, Arthur keeps turning down your offer every time and starts to grow annoyed towards you.

After that, you slowly distanced yourself from him, feeling defeated and sad…pop some Joy, for God sake!

One day, you didn't show up for work. Then, day became week, week became months and months became one year you're absent from work.

Many of your coworkers think you have already gone on vacation ever since then. Arthur himself thinks so, and didn't care too much about it. All he knew was he was happy that you're gone.

But, that fateful day where he came across that newspaper about him and remembered his older brother Percy, he remembers about you too.

Where have you been? He thought. Surely you can't be dead, right?

It was decided. He will go looking for his older brother and you. Although, he was having a hard time venturing around the town. I mean, those Bobbies and Joy Doctors, honestly… Not to mention those bloody Mistresses…

But, he managed and got himself some nice skills…for safety reasons…(Yeah…not sure about that tho)

And one day, he saw you. Happy as always…but you're working at a tea shop. Chatting without any care with Bobby and the old lady. He came closer to you and said hello.

But, when he tries to make you remember him, you shake your head, telling him that he's got the wrong person. "Maybe that person was my doppelgänger?"

Something deep inside of him suddenly snapped. He was standing there, wide eyed. 'It can't be…' he repeated his thoughts over and over and over and over…

Looking at your confused face then pretty smile curved from your lips, you excused yourself and went back to working, wiping the table, leaving him there standing at his spot like an idiot.

How…how did it happen? There's no way that you could've forgotten about him within a month! His face was slowly turned into anger.

He decided to investigate why you suddenly forget about him while searching for clues about his brother.

Some weeks later, he met Sally, his ex-best friend in the alley. Honestly, he didn't expect that coming.

But, out of impulse, he tried asking her if Sally knew a person named (Y/n) came into her shop.

Sally avoided the question, and instead she asked him a favor to fetch cod liver oil.

He begrudgingly helped her and went a big length to find that goddamn oil, risking his life. By the time he got it, he immediately ran back to her shop and asked again.

Sally pursed her lips. She's shaking her head. When Arthur started to glare at her and clenching his fist, Sally sighed heavily. "Yes, they came here…asking me to make a pill that can erase their sad memories…" and went over to her table to take the black bottle from the drawer, which was labeled as "Oblivion".

Oh boy. Arthur only sees red. He took the bottles away from Sally's grasp and stormed out, leaving her blinking her eyes, not knowing anything.

He swore by the name of God, he WILL make you remember him at all cost.

And thus, his plans began…

You know that skill called Big Game Hunter? He will do anything, ANYTHING to protect you from any silly Bobby who tries to flirt with you, or any Doctor who constantly nags at you to take your Joy, despite being a big coward himself. But he didn't care anymore, big or small, he would kill them without any remorse.

Not only that, he's a stalker. He was following you around, hiding from plain sight, watching you living your life so blissfully.

Whenever you try to take your pill…somehow, a rock was thrown in your direction and knocked the bottle away from your hand. You look around to see the perpetrator, only to see the glasses flashes for a brief moment before it disappears into the darkness.

Arthur was very attentive when it comes to your needs.

Ran out of tea or coffee? He will buy/steal it and sneak into your house before he puts it on your kitchen table. Not enough money to buy food? He will slip a few pounds into your purse. Some male Wellies trying to hit on you? Yep, they'll go missing the next day.

He still does make finding his older brother his first priority, but he cares about you a little too much…

"Almost there…" he smirked when he made some crash syringe...to de-joy you.

That night, like any other night, it was quiet and the fog was thicker than before…perfect cover for him to sneak into your house with a big empty sack to carry his beloved.

He slowly went upstairs, where was your room located and lock picked the door and swung it open, quietly.

He saw your figure sleeping soundly, not aware that some lovesick man was watching you sleep, with a crash syringe gripped tightly in his hand, along with a handkerchief that had chloroform dabbed, in the dark.

Not wasting any time, Arthur brings down the syringe to your body and pushes down the liquid, instantly waking you up.

You tried to cry for help, but Arthur was fast to cover your mouth with the handkerchief and shushed you, wiping any tears from your cheeks.

"Shhh…love, it's going to be alright…I will take you away from this town. It's not safe here anymore…" he cooed as you slowly lost consciousness.

He let you fall back on the bed and got ready to put you into the sack.

After it was all done and destroyed any evidence, Arthur cradled you lovingly, knowing that you'll need him as soon as you wake up and he softly smiled.

"Love, I will make up for any mistakes that I've made in the past…and protect you from harm and danger…" That was his promise to you, kissed your forehead and both of you disappeared into the thick fog, not being seen again.

[lemongingerart]

Hi Peb, responding to your 'get help'!

(((I made a separate post for several reasons. Lately, if I reblog something with extra content, it's just ignored. Also, this content has dirt on it. Lemons. NSFW. I wanted you to choose whether or not you want to be associated with it and how you want to get the tags right 😅))))

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through tough times! How is it that bad things always seem to happen simultaneously? I certainly feel you on the first topic though, right now I'm under a pile of blankets with covid as well. Tough mf.

We all sometimes need a pat on the back (or a bottle of red wine to share 🥲) so I do like this idea and dug through my Hux x OC fic for something shareable (because in all honesty that's the only content I have 🙃)

So… have this partially unfinished and unreviewed smutty chapter, that I won't be publishing this year anyway, because it’s so far up my fic no one will remember I shared this today 😅

(Oh stars, I think this is the first time I'm putting smut out in the open, and it's not even romantic, it's pure horny filth mainly for the ginger general's pleasure … but I'm too exhausted from corona to care 💁‍♀️💁‍♀️💁‍♀️ )

Tagging the moots, in case they're horny for Hux: @liminalpebble, @mylifeisactuallyamess , @morby - let me know if you want in

Wourd count: about 2 500

Tags/warnings: Hux POV, in universe but kind of AU if you read this separately, established relationship, Hux x female!OC (called Miko), hints of dom/sub relationship, boobs, dry humping maybe?, oral (m!receiving), a shoe.

Let me know what I forgot, because I most certainly did forget something (hence, corona)

'H, we got an issue on the eastbound production line' Miko said, barging into his office and suddenly standing next to his desk.

Armitage skeptically looked up from his datapad, not amused by her lack of discipline. Still… he thought he would never have to admit it, but he was getting slightly used to it. The annoyance towards her unprofessional behavior had dwindled, now only a minor hindrance and thus making him able to focus on the reason she stumbled inside his office in the first place.

"Lieutenant, at ease." He said, although it wasn’t like she was standing straight up anyway. "Please explain. Slowly. "

Miko nodded, but the way she pulled up her eyebrow made it clear she wasn't having any of it. Stars, each time she was besting his authority she was encouraging him to find ways to fuck her and he wondered if she was doing it on purpose or even by reflex.

She swiftly provided him with an overview of various calculations, clearly visualized on her datapad, while she was elaborating on the numbers with her usual passionate style.

Hux didn't hear what she was saying though. Although he was watching her lip movements closely. And the way her chest heaved when she took a breath in between her rambling. Hmm, he'd love to free up some time in his busy schedule to open the clasps of that uniform and feel how warm and pliable her breasts feel today.

Miko stopped her exposition. "You aren't listening, are you." She stated, setting up a pouting face and her right hand on her hip. He knew her enough to assume that the disappointment was at least exaggerated, at best staged. He also knew how to turn that disappointment into something much more pleasant.

"You’re distracting me, Lieutenant. " Miko turned a quarter when she laid down the datapad before him. She switched hands, planting her knuckles on her other hip. She frowned. "Distracting you? This is kind of urgent, otherwise I wouldn't barge into your office and disturb your heavily stuffed planning like this." He could swear she was mocking him now.

She sighed, waving her free hand towards the datapad on the table and ticking on the graphs. While doing so, she leaned on his desk and he could smell the champoo on her hair - of course she wasn't using the regulated one - and a hint of the tea they shared this morning.

"Still, you know what your lack of manners and disrespect do to me." He hissed, turning his desk chair and sliding her way. Miko looked back to him in bewilderment. Did she really not expect him to make a remark like this? She frowned for a second.

"Apologies, sir, for speaking before my time. " she then quietly said, blushing and turning her gaze towards the ground. He didn’t miss the flicker in her eyes, though, signaling Hux she was more than happy to play along. Stars, he never was sure if she did these things on purpose in the first place.

He did want to get that uniform open now, just a little bit to feel if he could make her moan with one hand in, kneading her tits and making her nipples get stiff between his fingers.

Outstretching his right leg, he locked his foot behind the back of Miko’s knee, coercing her to come closer. Hux hips had sunken more towards the end of the chairs seating now, making him lay back a bit. She followed his unspoken directions with baby steps, the closer she got the more blush apparent on her cheeks.

As she was standing in between his legs now, he raked his long fingers over the side of her figure. He could spot how she pulled in her lower lip, biting it as if it could stop her from breathing heavily, betraying she needed his touch.

He chuckled, he deeply appreciated the way she played her part right now. It was still a mystery to him how she could just… be who she was to him.

"I'm not sure if I can just accept those apologies. But I am in a good mood. Can your eastbound issue wait for another 15 minutes?" Miko only nodded. "Good. Because I'm going to solve another problem first." He whispered, pulling her closer by the neck clasp of the uniform. She had to bend her knees forward and he made sure her upper legs reached the chair, right before the center of his pants. The next friction created by her leg moving was no coincidence though, it made it clear to him she was aware of the boner in his pants and how she was more than willing to do something about it.

But first, he wanted to open up that uniform just enough to see her nipples come out and give them some of his treatment, while still some of the skin remained locked in fabric.

He pulled her closer even more, planting a kiss on her lips, the kind of kiss that is making her want more by the way she tries to pull on his lips. But he wasn’t going to give her those yet. He still had a firm grip on the collar, making sure she couldn’t steal away any extra kisses. The soft but needy complaining sound that escaped her lips, made him chuckle.

His other hand found a way to the clips of the uniform, expertly opening it up from under the collar to right under her breasts. Keen on reaching his target, he slipped his hand inside, pulling up the tank top she was wearing underneath. Still holding her by the collar and enjoying the way she looked bothered and desperate for another kiss, he cupped her left breast, fingers sliding between the fabric of her bra and her warm skin. The way they moved made him knead them a single time, before pulling down the bra and exposing her skin to the cold air.

Seeing her facial expression change to something even more needy, almost animal like, was his new favorite thing. While he was most certainly doing this for himself, pleasing her always gave him that extra rush to the head. Lately, in the afterglow, it made him realize that he would do anything to keep her by his side.

He repeated the process on the right side, this time taking in how both tits looked out in the open and if it was matching his recent visualization. Gods, he loved the sight of how tense they stood, all restrained through the fabric and the cold air. Matching the pout on her face.

He pulled her closer by the collar again, contemplating if he should kiss that cute pout from her face or not. Her feigned disapproval had proven to give him more inspiration before.

"H., s-sir… we really do have an issue in the eastbound.." she breathed into his ear, stopping mid-sentence due to the soft pinch he performed on her nipples. While he should probably credit her for not leaving out a sound, he relished in how he could control her like that.

He pushed her back, letting her neck go, making her stand up so he could appreciate the sight. The minute he saw realisation dawn on her features, she became to blush even more. "Lieutenant, how come that you always have such a lood mouth, but somehow this is the only way I can make you feel-"

BLIEP, the comm on the desk did, making Hux snap out of it and Miko have the strangest reflex he ever saw in a human: she dived right onto the floor, hiding from the visual receptors of the holocomm device. Hux sighed, turned his chair towards his desk and pressed the accept button to answer the call. He had made it clear he only wanted to be interrupted for urgent matters only, so he could not ignore the call.

"Better be something important, Captain." He started with a snide. He could hear Miko giggle from beside him and he almost rolled his eyes.

The problem with captain Gavin is that he thinks every gossip that happened in his department was of utmost importance. Another problem is that Hux, while higher in ranks, could not simply replace him yet. Drawbacks of running a mid-sized business compared to a complete fleet.

He sighed, annoyance apparent on his face, but still having a hard dick under the desk and a Lieutenant on all fours, tits out, next to him.

He subtly rolled his desk chair to Miko’s side, sliding his foot towards her and halting it right in front of her. He then moved his toes upwards twice, the leather of the boot making a scratching sound, to signal her to come closer. He saw her nodding in the crook of his sight, eyes wide, expressing she got the message. On hands and knees, she silently started crawling towards his foot. While Hux feigned interest in Gavin, he reached further and lower with his leg, the calf of his foot first touching her right boob, then making her crawl closer even more until he could settle his foot in between her legs.

Making sure her head remained under the line of sight from the desk, he turned back in forward position so she slided on his foot, under the desk. "Captain, explain to me why you're not wasting my time.", he asked the holo. Said captain resumed his reasoning while Hux tried to remain as boring looking as ever, while stars he could feel her grind on his shoe right now.

If there was something he really wanted to see, it was the sight of his favorite Lieutenant (the only Lieutenant he favored), half naked but still in uniform, riding his shoe and enjoying it very much. Sadly, he couldn't afford looking down right now, so he just had to imagine her boobs bouncing, her pants getting soaked and the leather of his shoe getting stained. He'll wear the mark throughout the remainder of the day with pride, something his old self would forsake him for.

Gah, he needed some depressurising for himself, and resume with what he had in mind before he got the holocall.

He subtly brought his hand down, fingers stretching and probing for contact with the only person he could trust down there. Almost immediately, he found her hair and pulled it closer in between his legs. That was enough for her to interpret the silent order correctly and get to work on his belt, all the while Gavin rattled about modulators and wrong versions and disgraces and what not.

Hux wasn't sure his face remained stoic the moment she slowly licked the head of his dick, making sure no precum got spilled. What he was sure of though, is that his right leg bumped the underside of the durasteel desk as if it was hit by lightning. That would sting later.

She had pleased him with blowjobs before, so the sensation itself wasn't new, although each time it felt as heavenly as before. That's why he knew she was taking whatever she would get, the wretched woman loved to turn him inside out whenever she could.

But this setting, with Miko under a table and he himself having to concentrate on acting like he was interested in captain chippy? That was completely new and more of a challenge than he had anticipated.

When he felt her make little circles with her tongue, obviously having fun and trying extra hard to make sure he won't forget this particular session, he automatically clenched his fists. He pulled her hair, and she took the action as encouragement, taking him in her mouth completely and slowly sinking down towards the base. Fearing this would be too much to handle all the while making the holocall, he brought his free hand up before his mouth, trying to hide the scowl that was forming. When she reached her limit, she started to go up again, sucking with all might and making him see stars. As soon as he felt the turn in her movement on his cock, he commenced curling his fingers and pressing his fist against his lips, to make sure he wouldn't start panting in front of the camera.

Soon, she started pumping his dick, following the rhythm she knew he enjoyed all too well, and he had to stop his hips from tensing and stretching. By a thousand suns, why was she so good at this?

"General, I'm sorry to disturb you, but have you seen Lieutenant Ylena? We have an issue in the eastbound sector and she wanted to be informed of the process." Sergeant K interrupted captain Gavin during his boring plea. Hux had to focus on the conversation again, now that two of his subordinates were in view of the holo. A daunting task considering how much underpressure she was putting on his cock right now - he could imagine the dimples in her cheek. Oh frack, he needed to answer now, so he pulled her still with the grip he still had on her scalp. Miko immediately stopped, but didn't let him go though, applying the littlest of pressure and letting him know that this game works both ways.

Hux sighed and answered the men in the holo: "I've just heard her, she's on her way up to me for some other matter. I'll send her over once I'm done with her."

Shit, she was definitely chuckling on his dick now. Then, she started doing little short sucking motions on the head of his cock, sending him to new heights. This conversation had to come to an end now.

"Captain, sergeant, I propose we end this debate right now and I will see to it that Lieutenant Ylena will be at your department as soon as she can," he blurted out, way too fast for his doing but he just needed to close the communication line and stop her from using her mouth and driving him to his peak so soon. In the meanwhile, he had come up with other plans.

He pressed a button and the holo disappeared. Now that he could move more freely, he brought his other hand down and stroked her filled mouth: "Shush, I still want you on the desk my little Lieutenant." He said with a crooked smile while pulling her back from his cock at her hair. "Get up while I lock the door. This time I will not be disturbed while I make you feel exactly how hard you made it for me. "

[hismercytomyjustice]

\o/ Yay, went to piano today and didn’t want to die after, despite forgetting to not taking my extra anxiety meds!

Take THAT, bitch-ass OCD!

…just kidding, please don’t return with a vengeance…

I’m still so annoyed that my OCD has latched onto my piano lessons in particular, but yay progress?

We are allowed to feel negative feelings AND practice self-compassion.

My teacher was telling me about how his ridiculously strict teacher as a kid used to make him cry after his lessons. And I went for full honesty and was like “Oh I want to cry after some of ours, not because of you though!”

I didn’t tell him it was specifically because of OCD, but I did tell him some of my OCD spiral thoughts like, “Why don’t you understand this? Why can’t you do this? You played violin for over a decade, didn’t you? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Definitely felt the OCD rear up when I was making mistakes today, but managed to power through it without spiraling!

At home, I can practice without panicking or spiraling or my brain shutting off. The second I’m in that room though? Hoo boy! Probably doesn’t help I got into an OCD spiral over even debating about taking lessons in the first place!

“You didn’t practice enough in school or when getting your music minor. You’re going to waste the teacher’s valuable time. You’re going to take a lesson spot from a student who will actually practice, and that makes you a bad person. You’re too lazy to learn piano. You barely remember anything from when you took it in college because you can’t commit to anything and you didn’t practice enough. What would your grandparents think about the fact you rarely play the violin they bought you? Especially since your grandma loved it so much that you played? You never finish anything. Why are you even bothering to learn it? You’re a music fraud and everyone knows it and judges you for it.”

BUT!!! after I told my teacher how fucked up lessons leave me sometimes, he said the nicest and most poignant fucking thing???

“You feel like that because you care about it.”

And I just… It blew my mind? My therapist is gonna LOVE this later this week. Like legitimately love this.

Of course I care about it. Why would I be doing it if I didn’t? I love music. It’s how I got tricked into getting the minor in the first place. Why would I be so upset about all of the above if I didn’t give a shit about it?

Because OCD latches onto a kernel of truth or self-belief and distorts it until it becomes a fucking anxiety inducing nightmare.

I care about music and learning to play and being a good student. I care about it SO MUCH. Which is why my OCD has a fucking field day with it. Because it burrows in to every insecurity I have about it and tries to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy until I spiral to the point of turning a molehill into a mountain or until I just fucking avoid the thing all together *cough writing cough* because avoiding it like the plague means I spiral less because I’m avoiding exposing myself to the things that result in the worst spirals.

If I don’t write, I can’t spiral about how fucking awful of a writer I am, which is so much fucking worse. Instead I can spiral about how I never write, which is still miserable and leads to all kinds of guilt and frustration, but isn’t nearly as emotionally charged or upsetting.

My therapist has been trying to drum this lesson into me for weeks now. I know she has. But it didn’t fully click for me until my teacher said it. The person I’m so desperately afraid of failing and disappointing and wasting the time of effectively told me that he KNOWS I care about it.

Which suddenly makes me feel like I’m NOT wasting his time, I’m NOT a terrible student, I’m NOT lazy, and there IS hope for me. Because I care.

Yeah, I might not practice as much as I should or think I should or want to (though I actually have been practicing). But I’m still showing up for lessons every week and I’m still striving to do better.

Yeah, I didn’t practice like I should have in school or while getting my minor. But someone who doesn’t give a shit about music PROBABLY WOULDN’T FUCKING MINOR IN IT.

I was always passionate about the violin, even if my passion didn’t always translate into practicing as much as I should or felt I should. In retrospect, part of that was undiagnosed ADHD (HELLO OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS LIKE SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO AND SUSPECTED ADHD AS OF ONLY LIKE 2-3 YEARS AGO). I was told I was good at the violin by the goddamn Distinguished Professor of Violin at my school, and I know he wasn’t just saying that. He wasn’t the type to just say stuff like that.

When I took my string quartet class, I got paired up with literally the best fucking students in our strings program. I got to play second violin for our performance of Dvorak’s String Quarter #12 (Mov. I), and it’s the hardest I ever worked on a piece and it will forever hold a special place in my heart because of all of that. I spent a lot of time convincing myself I only skated by in orchestra because I could hide under the other violinists for the parts I didn’t know or struggled with, but there’s not exactly anywhere to hide in a quartet. And I must have done well because I know for a fact the other three students (especially the VERY vocal violist) would’ve fucking murdered me if I hadn’t.

My confidence in my abilities was further reinforced by my piano teacher, who went to the same college as me (though later, he’s def younger than me by a few years). He told me by the time he was in the Symphony Orchestra at my school, he was frustrated because they kept getting told they couldn’t perform certain pieces because the string players couldn’t keep up. That was definitely not a problem when I was there. I’d argue it’s probably partly because of how much funding schools have cut when it comes to arts programs in general, but still. My high school and college conductors always strove to see how difficult of a piece they could throw at us.

My therapist has been telling me that so long as I’m showing up for my piano lessons, that’s the only real obligation I have and I’m meeting it and that’s okay. She’s also stressed quite a few times that this whole experience has been so distressing for me because I’m basically subjecting myself to some self-imposed exposure therapy.

I’ve spent so much time livid about how much my OCD has been acting up about this whole thing. Livid and embarrassed and frustrated because it’s fucking stupid. I am going to piano lessons as an adult by choice because I want to. So why the fuck is my brain trying to throw me into fight or flight over something people sign up their five year olds for??? It is not that serious.

I told my husband I could understand needing to take an anxiety med boost if I was scaling a sheer cliff or something. And he had the nerve to tell me “that’s kinda what this is for you.” (ಥ﹏ಥ) And he’s right and it was a very sweet thing to say, but it is so hard to actually believe it when I’m so fucking mad about my brain fighting me on this.

Also one of the most annoying fucking things about OCD is how if you were to introduce me to a person who was as close to being a clone of me without being an actual clone of me, I would be able to be so fucking nice and gentle and understanding with them. Hell, one of the most effective methods I’ve learned to combat an OCD spiral in the first place is “would you say the things you’re saying to yourself to someone else?”

Of-fucking-course-not! I’m not a goddamn monster! Those are horrible things to say, let alone think about another person and none of it’s true! They could come up to me and say the same fucking OCD thought spirals verbatim and I would have such a visceral reaction because “why would and how could you ever think something like that”? I would do everything in my power to reassure them and validate them and help them without a second thought because it’s not ridiculous and they’re not a failure and they’re clearly trying their best and they shouldn’t be so hard on themself.

But when it comes to myself?

Absolutely fucking not. All of that is 1000% true and, frankly, I’m being too nice to myself.

Oh, and NOT FUN FACT. This particular OCD spiral IS NOT AS FUCKING BAD compared to some of my other ones! I would label this maybe a 5 or maybe a 6 outta 10 on my personal OCD scale!

It’s fucking horrifying and terrifying all at once because I know it’s all irrational and there’s nothing I can fucking do to stop it except for working through it until it isn’t the goddamn boogeyman anymore.

Because if I don’t, I’m missing out on doing something I really enjoy and I’m denying a part of myself and I’m also potentially setting up dominos for a mental breakdown at some unknowable down the road (but damn if I won’t know it when I see it!).

All of this is to say that OCD fucking sucks and it fucking sucks to be fighting your own brain all day every day. But you have to and it gets easier with time (and sometimes you’re gonna backslide, especially when you’re stressed or burnt out).

And it’s just really fucking nice to see some actual progress for myself on this front. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧