deadcapriwalkin

[deadcapriwalkin]

Dear, You

It’s insane, it’s been half a year and yet I seem to still catch myself thinking about you every single day. I hate that I miss your smile more than anything. I hate that she took you away from me. You would have rather chose a woman who lets you do drugs than the person who was encouraging you to get better for the sake of your health and your future. You would rather move to an entirely different city with a woman who won’t do anything for you besides provide the resources needed for you to have a guiltless fix..

I remember the day I came home, locked myself in the bedroom and your mother gently tapping on the door with the tips of her fingers so she wouldn’t startle me. For all she saw was my face drenched in tears that symbolized pure fear and my lips turning a shade of purple from the panic of losing you. The days you told me I never cared about you behind a phone screen sitting at home while I’m in the middle of the Target aisle holding on to every fiber of my being to not breakdown and cry in front of everyone around me. I loved you so much, the last thing I wanted to do was lose the person whom I thought loved me.

Days you spend taking your anger out on your mother and I because you lost a video game or maybe lost something that was supposed to be in your possession, possibly the drugs you said you didn’t buy but your inability to pay rent that month was soulfully because the first winters snow had you by the throat and taking your every last breath. Your anger was bone rattling, your voice made it seem like there was an Earthquake in the middle of Wisconsin. I was genuinely terrified of the person you may become further down the road. I watched as you made your mother cry because you didn’t give one full damn about what you said to her. The slamming of doors was impossible to ignore between me, you and your mother; two of us crying and you sitting there angry that you upset us due to what you said to us. The things you said to us really put the deepest pit in my stomach and my heart had never felt so heavy.

There was a time where I had thought you would take your anger out on us physically in a black out rage. That was never the case however, the truly disturbing phrases you claimed me to be as a person or how I was just this awful nightmare for you gave me a shock to my system. I felt utterly disgusted with who I was even though the things you said about me I knew for a fact, were false. You made me believe what you were saying was true though. You took my worst nightmare and made it a pure reality for me.. So I hid from you, locked myself away from you slowly what felt like decaying in a dark room with the food I had snuck into the bedroom without you being home so that way if you saw my face you wouldn’t get upset. The old food on the floor, the truly painful depression setting in to my aching, terrified muscles. Flinching at the sound of footsteps coming towards the door.. Sadly it was never you to come and check in on me.. Your mother was the only one who out of the kindness of her heart, cared about how I felt. Seemed like every single thing angered you, and on the good days I would make sure to walk on eggshells to make sure that, that day you did not strain yourself from yelling. You never seemed to care, I loved you and you were my everything.

I was really fooled on what the depiction of love was. I knew couples fought but this was a complete 180 compared to the normal lovers bickering. Of course, there were good days. But at the end of said days, I still slept in the bed while tears silently poured down my face burning my hot red cheeks while you’re facing the opposite way.. There was no more goodnight kisses from you. 

Crying myself to sleep had become a ritual. It was sooner than later that I had starting sniffling in bed for a different reason other than your anger. The man I loved whom slept next to me at night had been sleeping with another woman. I have to say, you sir were not sneaky. Between the “smoking sessions” with your buddies and not returning until early the next morning to sneaking her into the house after I had told you that I don’t feel comfortable with her in my home. As soon as she had set foot in our living room my body froze into fight or flight mode. She would always pretend to be nice to me, she hadn’t a clue that I had known about the tussles in the sheets after hours. Either of them did not realize that I had certain resources that would tell me a recap whenever he would visit her. I had known how long they’d being seeing each other behind my back for a while at this point and our relationship would just go further downhill to the point he wouldn’t sleep in the bed anymore and I had changed the locks on the bedroom door. My house didn’t feel like home anymore, my little family was being ripped out of my grasp and placed firmly into hers. I was losing every sense of hope I had left.. 

I have regrets please do not get me wrong. Granted, I struggled with forming the correct sentences when attempting to explain myself and how I felt. It was if no matter how I said anything you got angry at me for feeling emotions that I couldn’t control. I would stumble over words, stutter when frazzled and become over emotional because, all I wanted to do was tell you how i felt inside. How it felt to lay in a pit of stomach pressure and an empty beating heart basically dying from the inside out. I wanted you to know and be aware of the things that I had noticed and detected. But you refused to hear me out, I would try and try, I wouldn’t stop pushing until I could get it through your head that I was hurting so badly.. But you didn’t seem to care. You, you were my person; someone I should’ve been able to confide in, express my feelings and be open, honest. We were supposed to be a team but that faded away very quickly. 

Like I said, I have regrets during the relationship. I know I wasn’t perfect and there could always be room for improvement. Although to this day I really do believe we were soulmates, we were just two very different people. You lacked sympathy, empathy and all around a cold person. I was the person who felt everything too much, felt your emotions, moms and my own. I was constantly stuck in a cage of everyone emotions and I just wanted to tell you that. 

I regret hiding when you were angry, I regret not figuring out ways to calm you down when you were upset. I regret not paying 100% attention to the things you were extremely passionate about. I never took the time to listen to you about the things you love. I regret constantly trying to fix you when you didn’t want to be fixed. I regret being as worried as I was. Your well being was a top priority to me.. I didn’t want you going down the same path I went down before getting clean. I regret forcing you to listen to me about my side of the story and refusing to hear your side because it upset me. During the time I believed your side to be idiotic and selfish. You were trying the best you could I like to think. I regret isolating myself in the bedroom I was so used to running and hiding that I didn’t think about how you were feeling in that moment. I regret not coming into the living room to wake you up and bring you into the bedroom so your back wouldn’t hurt the next day.  I know you have regrets too but, I will never know what they are. 

Everyone says people come into your life for a reason.. I like to believe you were in my life to teach me that becoming the best version of myself was the only way I could actually help someone who wants to be fixed. Turns out, the person I needed to fix, was me. I wasn’t the best for you however, I will be the best for the next. 

There is still underlying pain, anger, sadness on the way you went about it though. I was nothing but loyal and honest to you. I was devoted to you because I loved you. Instead of telling me you simply didn’t love me anymore you decided to create a separate life, one that was without me. Falling in love with another woman behind my back even though I felt the knife pierce near my spine. To this day you still do not know that. 

As I sit here in my apartment seeing this beautiful life I created for myself by growing through the hurt, pain and anger that took half a year to find myself in a different light staying single, because the pain is still here. Every single day is progress for me. I am learning something new about myself every day. I get to learn about myself, without you.. The pain I had to bare was too intense so I decided to do something about it. I refuse to feel the way I felt that night you told me you two were dating. 

You had claimed to be dating her two weeks after our separation. I knew about the affair for much longer than two weeks after the breakup. That night that you said the words in my passenger seat “yes we are dating” I told myself that I reuse to ever feel like that for someone again. Because although you were one mentally abusive man, you were literally everything to me. To hear those words come out of your mouth was like taking the knife out of my back and placing it directly into my heart. I cried for weeks after that. You will never know the pain I had felt so deeply because you had someone “waiting” for you. 

I should be thanking you to be quite honest. Because of you I can walk differently, talk differently, feel beautiful inside and out, I finally get to smile and I actually mean it. I haven’t been this social-able in years. I glow differently, I can laugh and not be drowned by the tears I had shed in the past for you. Thank you for giving me the agonizing pain and torture of this heart break. Because now, the only person I’m good enough for at the end of the day.. Is me. 

[deadcapriwalkin]

CARING FOR ENNEAGRAM TYPE 4

I have a strongly active 4 wing and a few of my friends are Type 4 or have it strongly operating within them. So this guide is for the Type 4 and anyone that would like to promote or - at least - respect their well-being and growth. What to keep in mind about the type: The Type 4 is sensitive, intuitive, empathetic, profound, imaginative and often whimsical and expressive. They notice nuances within compositions and are able to appreciate, transform and treasure manifestations that deeply touch and move toward that which can be more sincere and authentic. They can be romantic or, at the least, sentimental as they recognize what is rare and unique in itself. They look for and create what they could regard as beautiful whenever and wherever they can to nourish both themselves and others through what may be inspiring and/or add more dimension to what would have otherwise been taken as plain and dull. They need meaning in their lives and would turn the ordinary into the extraordinary - even if only by make believing. They are usually in touch with their emotions and experience a wide range of them, which can lead them to gain a truer understanding of what exists in essence. Although not always open and obvious about their inner world (as this makes them vulnerable), they may reveal and share more of their natures through various means, seeking to translate and communicate with heartfelt honesty. What they enjoy: - Feeling connected. It’s not unusual for them to want to or feel connected with others, whether it is with people, animals, plants or even places and objects - ideally beyond superficial levels. While they may be guarded and selective about who or what they feel close and tied to, forming deep and strong bonds tends to be something they aspire toward and will put much into. - Perceiving the divine. Be it through nature, artworks or anything across time and space that allows them to see magnificent ways in which things are arranged with meaning and purpose, they value the abstract and the metaphysical; reaching higher planes and entering hidden realms that hold or lead to possible answers about existence. - Creating. They tend to be very creative, sometimes to the point where their sanity depends on it. Often they have many different outlets to experiment with creation. However, they may need to be and see themselves as aligned with what they make, to be able to identify with it to some extent or to at least represent it. - Uplifting and cheering on others. Although at times prone to envy and jealousy, depending on their state and what they’re lacking (as well as how much they allow themselves to give into), they are capable of genuinely hoping for others’ success and may find significance in uplifting and cheering on others - especially when it comes to people they personally care about or that stand for causes they believe in. Often familiar with going through many ups and downs, they might be well equipped to ignite others’ spirits. - Making a difference. Having spent much of their lives contemplating the question “Why am I here?” they don’t mind or find it worthwhile to stray from the norm and come back with something different that can be applied - at least in some areas. What helps them: - Safety and support. Although they may do their own amount of saving and supporting themselves and others, they might still be at the mercy of threatening and damaging circumstances they, as personal and emotionally invested individuals, are fragile against. This is part of what gives them the reputation of longing for a rescuer and causes them to be deeply grateful to those that rescued them from situations they were hopeless in. Within societies that continue to diminish and dismiss (or even put down) the importance of what they naturally value, they may need a support system that allows them to feel safe to be themselves to a reasonable degree. - Gentle honesty. As pleasant as it might be to hear that everything is perfect, they are still likely to prefer honesty whenever they can handle it. It’s not about sugar-coating and adding white lies, but about being considerate when delivering truths that are potentially hurtful. At times, making it evident that you mean well and that you’re doing what you can to best communicate it would suffice. - Honoring their gifts. They don’t need to be worshiped or excessively praised. Most of the time they only need to know that their efforts were well received and that they mattered, otherwise they lose their point. Often they put their hearts into what they do and believe this much should go to where it can truly mean something. What to watch out for: - Boredom and wanderlust. To them, life is pretty much a journey - an adventure for them to find themselves and experience wonderful and glorious events. They may have little patience with routine and shallow activities. Unless they are balanced and drawing the amount of fulfillment that they need in their lives, they can become selfishly rebellious and unable to commit. - Mixed signals and confusing impressions. When they are being spontaneous and open about their feelings and their views, their motives and intentions can be difficult to decipher. As they are trying to understand themselves, what does them well and what doesn’t, not much is set in stone. They might come across as contradicting, volatile and seductive. Eventually, they might learn when and where this is too problematic and when and where it is alright. - Internalization. As psychic sponges, they are prone to be impressionable and absorb deeply. At times this serves the purpose of being thorough in realizing the impact seemingly powerless things can have on us over time and/or when combined with other things, but sometimes they can get too caught up in this and make an issue bigger than it is. - Overreactions. While it’s not always the case that they are simply being dramatic and theatrical, they might be easily moved toward the highest highs and lowest lows over subtleties. Regardless, sometimes there’s more to it than what others are able to tell and than what they are able to explain in the moment. - Self-worth. They might seem or be self-absorbed. At their best, they are able to appreciate the many ways in which people are different and unique, and by consequence, they experience love and respect for both themselves and others as worthy creatures. However, taken to extremes they can become inflated. What to really be concerned about: - Romanticization of pain and suffering. Many of them inevitably find themselves having to deal with much pain and suffering. Sometimes they are drawn to or create situations where they have to endure much of this. They are prone to attracting and allowing people to cause them misfortune. In some cases, this is how they do soul searching and enriching and how they act as alchemists. They will delve into areas others would rather not go into and sometimes this is necessary and is moderated well enough. Other times, however, it might turn into a vicious cycle that can drown both themselves and others. - Belief that they are fundamentally flawed and unable to have a fulfilling life. As idealists, they may envision a life quite different from what they currently have and have troubles reaching it - and thus give up altogether. And while not everything can always be exactly as they’d like it to be, not everything is always as bad as it may seem. Remind them to take things by smaller parts, one day at a time, to find more fulfillment in their journey and in however far they can get. - Overindulgence at the expense of themselves and others. While not everything that looks to others as overindulgent actually is, for they need to take part in activities that others do not care for or take only as leisure, there are indeed times when they overdo it and, instead of helping them be renewed and inspired, they become stagnant and possibly apathetic. Breaking this overindulgence pattern isn’t easy and sometimes all you can do is not be an enabler. Why should you bother to care? Whether your relationships with Type 4 people are intimate or not, putting in, at the least, a bit of effort on your part (as much as it’s appropriate) can go a long way in making things better for everyone involved. Note: These are only a few things to consider when caring for Type 4.

[deadcapriwalkin]

Type Four with a Five Wing (4w5)

Positive: 

• Enigmatic, Idiosyncratic, Quiet

 • Perceptive, Unconventional 

• Intellectual and Emotional

• Deep Feelings, Complex creativity

• Very exploratory, Introspective

• Analytical, Objective, Reserved

• Defiant of Convention, Original

Negative:

• Feel Alienated, Depressed, Unusual 

• Can be eccentric, rebellious outsiders

Type Four with a Five Wing: Fours with a Five wing (4w5s) tend to take on more of the attributes of Fives than of Threes (the other wing), although both wings (5 and 3) can influence their personality. 4w5s tend to be much less concerned with acceptance, personal appearance and status than 4w3s. Whereas 4w3s create with an audience in mind, 4w5s usually don’t. 4w5s just thoroughly enjoy the process of creativity, exploration and discovery. 4w5s tend to be enigmatic, idiosyncratic lone wolfs or at the very least need plenty of alone time to explore their personal interests, even if in a relationship. They can have a penetrating intellect because of the 5 wing but are fundamentally an emotional type with deep feelings because of being 4s. They are usually well-read owing to their love of books and knowledge. Healthy 4w5s are some of the most creative, original and spiritually aware people in the Enneagram because they are gifted with a penchant for introspection and profound insight into human nature by being 4s but also perceptiveness, objectivity and inquisitiveness by having the 5 wing. 4w5s are attracted to symbolism and the mysteries of life. When healthy, they are able to perceive subtleties and understand multiple levels of meaning in life that are missed by most other types. Many great writers from the past have been 4w5s. They are unconventional and can be rather defiant if someone tries to tell them to fit in more (to society) or be more practical, realistic or reasonable. Some 4w5s can seem outwardly reserved, cool and standoffish yet inwardly they are romantic, passionate and ardent. 4w5s are hard to read but once you get to know them they are usually quite personable, warm and caring, contrary to appearances. Healthy 4w5s enjoy communicating their inner awarenesses to give humanity a different, often more spiritual, perspective on life.

Negatively, 4w5s can be the most alienated, depressed, lonely, shy, insecure, and/or emotionally tormented of all the Enneagram types. They can feel like isolated outsiders; in, but not of, this world. 4w5s can have brilliant flashes of intuitive insight but don’t tend to take action as easily as 4w3s so these insights are often lost to the ethers. They prefer to just fantasize and dwell in their imagination. They can be highly impractical since they don’t really care to focus on real world issues. This can cause them a whole host of real world problems though! Being introverted, socially withdrawn, and heavily involved in their own pet projects, they can be oblivious to what is going on in the rest of the world. They can get themselves badly in debt by impulsively spending money on a wild idea/dream they have. Since they tend to have few friends they have more time on their hands to do what most unhealthy 4s do, think about what’s missing in their life. Since 4w5s are still romantically inclined they can long for a loving relationship but struggle intensely with the idea of having to give up some of their personal freedom and also deal with relationship challenges. It often seems easier for them to maintain their down-beat, minimalistic lifestyle and privacy than to risk the potential pain and heartache of being in a serious relationship.

[deadcapriwalkin]

Enneagram Type FOUR

Fours are introspective, emotionally profound people who can be original, creative, and imaginative.

At their best, they are the masters of introspection, emotionally skillful in understanding their own feelings and the complexity of their inner life. But they are also the masters of empathic listening; thus they are able to understand not only their own but other people’s inner lives, needs, and suffering. They are tolerant of other people’s moods and can offer compassionate and sensitive advice.

They can comprehend and know emotionally what another is experiencing and are able to take the other’s perspective; they are able to spontaneously understand the other’s internal frame of reference, as if the Four were the other person (without ever losing the “as if” condition, that is: they can sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as he senses it, but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if the Four were hurt or pleased). Their affective response is appropriate to what the other person needs to really be helped, and they listen more than they speak. Their empathy is empowering; they can show you how deep you are, how special you are. It is not debilitating sympathy or feeling sorry or having pity for the other. They are never drained from this kind of empathy; the opposite is true. Their growth is based not only on self-actualization, but also on their empathic contribution to others. This balance between their inner and outer focus makes them very consistent and adds stability and an element of objectivity to their lives.

They are perceptive and have emotional depth; they are warm, insightful, conscious, affirming, nurturing, and encouraging.

They are contemplative, reflective people interested in philosophy, spirituality, and the meaning and mysteries of life and existence. They look for answers to questions such as: What is life all about? Why are we here? Who am I? What is the meaning of it all? What is the reason to live? They take life as a journey and try to patiently find the answers to these questions with an open mind and heart.

They have a creative orientation and a very rich imagination. They have the ability to express and articulate themselves well, being creative, eloquent, and fluent in their use of words and metaphors. They can also express themselves through art. Their imagination allows them to arrange symbols in a way that they become a vehicle to communicate powerful emotions. They are refined and are drawn to aesthetics and know how to engage other people’s aesthetic sensibilities. Although many Fours are artists, not all are, but most know how to use their imagination and skills in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences, whatever their occupation.

They are creative but grounded. Imaginative but practical. They can embrace and accept the mundane and the ordinary as a part of life and remain creative within whatever mood they may be in, not exclusively in dark moods but also in stable or positive ones.

They are original and usually have new ways of seeing things, and they make distinct, unique contributions in whatever they do. They value sincerity and authenticity.

In the Stuckness Zone, an internal voice starts running inside them that focuses on what’s missing or unavailable to them. This has an effect on both their relationship with themselves and their relationships with others and life in general.

In their relationship with themselves, they move from introspection to self-absorption, focusing mainly on their intense inner world, and they become preoccupied with their own emotions and life. They become moody, with rapid or even extreme changes in mood. They may alternate between persistent feelings of sadness, melancholy, and lack of motivation on one hand, and elevated energy levels on the other. They may become overwhelmed by their own feelings of incompletion, regret, and hopelessness. Their once healthy search for meaning is interrupted, and they may use their imagination to replace that search with fantasy and unrealistic ideals. Through their imagination they can live in an idealized past or in an idealized future. In the present moment they focus on the “half-empty glass.” They become tragic, pessimistic, and negative. Their focus is on what they don’t have or can’t be, and on what others do have and are. Thus, feelings of envy may develop from that habit of comparing themselves to others. They may also become critical and judgmental towards the “half-full glass,” that is, the things that they do have in life. Instead of insightfully being with their own feelings, they overreact emotionally to the story they themselves created. They may feel their emotions are unmanageable, they may wallow in self-reproach and shame, and become disillusioned, disheartened, and hypersensitive to criticism.

In their relationship with others, Fours want to find love and meaning through a deeply fulfilling relationship, but may unconsciously get caught in a search for their “ideal love.” They may project ideal qualities onto others and relate with them through their imaginations. This intensifies their emotions and adds drama to their lives, since they maintain themselves in a state of longing, desiring the unattainable. If the relationship (or whatever they want to achieve) becomes a reality, they may withdraw and reject it, in order to long for it again and reintensify their emotions once again (or be looked after by the other party).

Feelings of specialness and a desire to be seen as special and unique arise, as if they were different from “normal” people. This can cause a sense of entitlement and elitism, as if they were exempt from the mundane obligations and tasks most people have. They may also make others feel they lack depth and substance, that they are flat, ordinary, unfashionable, or lack stylishness.

[deadcapriwalkin]

Enneagram Type FOUR: The Individualist

(Also known as “The Identity Seeker”)

by timeless (source: Personality Cafe)

I. Introduction to the Enneagram of Personality The Enneagram of Personality is a personality classification system comprised of nine types. Each one of these nine types represents a distinct set of motivations, fears, desires and virtues. This article (and the other articles in this series) are designed to present each of the nine types in an understandable and comprehensive way. Many of you are no doubt familiar with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, as it is the most popular personality instrument discussed on PersonalityCafe. The Enneagram is a fantastic compliment to the MBTI test because the Enneagram deals with core motivations, while MBTI deals with information processing. When taken together, MBTI and Enneagram can provide an accurate description of an individual’s personality. These articles are intended to describe each Enneagram type from the ground up, starting with the most fundamental motivations of that type and moving up to how those motivations are expressed in the real world. II. Quick Facts about Type Four These facts will be described throughout the article. Holy Idea: Origin Vice: Envy Virtue: Equanimity (calmness and composure) Enneagram Triad: Image (Associated Emotion: Shame) Hornevian Triad: Withdrawn Harmonic Triad: Reactive Basic Drive: Isolation vs. Connection Basic Fear: Loss of Identity Basic Desire: Uniqueness Freudian Association: Ego III. Type Four Description One of the basic principles of the Enneagram is that as an individual is exposed to the world, they become more short-sighted based on the natural inclinations of their type. Development lies in transcending those inclinations. Before the Type Four was exposed to “reality”, they were deeply in touch with the holy idea of Origin. This represents the notion that everything ultimately comes from one source and by extension, everyone is connected to everyone else. This quote from Marcus Aurelius in his “Mediations” describes Origin well: “Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things which exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the structure of the web.” But life has a corrupting influence, and this awareness of the universe as one living being becomes corrupted into the idea that everyone is fundamentally separated from one another and no such connection exists. Fours turn away from this idea, looking to find identity in other places. Type Four can be described as the “identity seeker” because they are looking to form their own identity after they have been split off from the holy idea of origin. This creates a puzzling situation for the Type Four, because they want to acknowledge on some level that they are fundamentally united with others, but they reject that fundamental premise. This creates the vice of envy, where they desire what someone else possesses because they wish to unify with those traits. In the practical world, Fours tend to be very individualistic and take great measures to make sure that they distinguish themselves from others. This is why Type Four is in the image triad. Type Fours are focused on the image they present, as the image serves as proof of their uniqueness and confirmation of their fundamental belief that they are different than others. Every type is inherently weak in that they seek validation of their unspoken and unconscious presumptions about the world; Type Four is no exception, and having a unique identity is how they confirm to themselves that they are, indeed, not appropriately part of the world. Fours are often called Romantics, because they spend a great deal of time in their own heads, contemplating ideal situations and fantastical possibilities that may be completely unrealistic, but are nevertheless emotionally gratifying. Fours tend to collect little elements of life that they desire – true love, heroism, perfect friendship – and blend it all together to create an idealized version of the world. They can be very withdrawn, as they feel the most comfortable in their own romanticized world. This means that Type Fours are deeply in touch with their own emotions, and feel secure in them. Even when they are upset, they are at home in their upsetness. The emotion associated with the image triad is shame, and Type Fours experience shame when they cannot live up to the idealized version of themselves. (This motivation can be similar to Type One, which explains the growth arrow from Four to One.) Fours constantly desire an idealized version of themselves, which contains all the traits that Fours might desire from others. For this reason, Type Four individuals are easy to mistype. Manifestation of Traits: 1) Focus on origin creates a fixation on identity 2) Fixation on identity creates a desire to be unique 3) Desire to be unique inspires the Type Four to be creative and artistic 4) Drive to be creative causes Type Four to withdraw and be self-concerned (creates an attachment to their own emotions) IV. Developmental Progression of Type Four Early in life, the Type Four is sensitive to the concept of origin. “Origin” is the idea that everything in the universe came from the same origin point, and thus, everything is part of a whole. In a spiritual sense, this is the idea that all spiritual beings are fundamentally connected to each other. The material world (life) corrupts this ideal into the delusion that unity is a lie and everyone is fundamentally fragmented and separated. The Four relies on envy to give the illusion of unity; envy is used as a way to connect to others in a counter-productive fashion. The Four’s virtue, equanimity (calmness, composure) leads them to their growth point of One. V. Wings Enneagram theorists quickly discovered that each Enneagram type can have traits of the types around it. This is called “wing theory”, and while some theorists dispute the finer points of it, it’s generally agreed that each type has a connection to the types around it and one of these connections will be dominant. For example, Type Two is surrounded by Types One and Three. Someone could therefore be a Two with a One Wing (Two as their main type with some Type One traits), or a Two with a Three Wing (Two as their main type with some Type Three traits.) The notation for this is 2w1 and 2w3, respectively. It is generally held that one wing is more dominant than the other; while you may have traits of both wings, one is more pronounced. Some believe that you can have balanced (equal) wings, but this Enneagram type description operates under the “dominant wing” theory, which is the most prevalent in the Enneagram community. Type Four shares wings with Type Three (4w3) and Type Five (4w5). Both like to feel unique and creative, but they go about it in different ways. Type Four with a Three Wing: Type Three is associated with the desire to appear successful, and the Three Wing means that a 4w3 has a very vibrant and flashy personality. They are unique and they want everyone else to know it. They may exude this uniqueness in ways they don’t even consciously perceive; there seems to be an element of it in everything they do. They tend to be outgoing and many 4w3s are extroverts. 4w3s strongly desire to live up to their idealized image. Type Four with a Five Wing: Type Five is associated with detached observation, so the 4w5 is a more sedate and contemplative version of the 4w3. 4w5s find it easier to get lost within their own heads, and may identify themselves as dreamers or idealists. They are less likely to flaunt their individuality to others, and in fact, may often be oblivious to other people because they spend so much time in their heads. 4w5s possess a sense of emptiness due to their detached Five wing. VI. Growth and Stress Arrows One theme in the study of the Enneagram is interconnectivity. Each type is distinct, but it does not stand alone. We discussed Wings earlier, which shows how a type can have traits of the types next to it. Another example of interconnectivity are stress and growth arrows. When an individual is in a state of stress or growth, they can take on traits of other types. There is some disagreement within the Enneagram community as to what precipitates a stress or growth condition, but I believe that the most logical interpretation of this is that a type becomes stressed when they succumb to their vice, while a type grows when they are following their virtue. Following a vice is a natural response, as it is the easy way out. Virtues are risky because they cause a person to confront their “dark sides” or fears and may result in a radical reassessment of one’s thoughts and actions. Nevertheless, the Enneagram is a system of personal growth and the stress/growth arrow dynamic reflects that, as it embodies the concept that transcendence is hard work, and it’s always darkest before the dawn. This is also in line with the overarching theme that the Nine types are basically just different means of perceiving reality, and no type is more correct than any other. Growth Arrow to Type One: The virtue of Type Four is equanimity, which means calmness or coolness under pressure. An equinanimous person diligently meets the challenges of life as they come, maintaining a level head and even emotions. Because Type Four has a deep connection to emotionality, this virtue can be difficult to attain but allows Type Four to enter its growth state of Type One. Type Ones are diligent, self-critical, and perfectionist. These are traits that a Four can sometimes lack because their emotions may lead them all over the place. By gaining a firm grasp of their own emotions, Fours can truly fulfill their desire for an independent personhood because that sort of discipline allows one to avoid the pressures and temptations of others. Stress Arrow to Type Two: On the other hand, if a Type Four loses control of their own emotions, they may appear to act like an unhealthy Type Two. This would include unhealthy clinginess and neediness, as they have stopped looking within themselves for fulfillment and instead are looking at others. Ironically, this focus on their own emotionality actually leads them further away from individuality because they can become clingy. This is an example of how a type’s vice leads it down the wrong path. VII. Type Four Variants Self-Preservation Fours tend to admire physical security and will attempt to build their identity around that. (You might see this kind of behavior in the stereotypical survivalist.) They are also more likely to be materialistic. Social Fours want to replicate the social status of others in themselves, thus they direct their energy to the social realm. They may consciously or subconsciously be very aware of what kind of social status others have attained, and they desire the same thing. Sexual Fours desires the personal success, intimate relationships, or vitality of others. They are naturally inclined to incorporate these ideals into their romanticized, idealized version of reality. VIII. Comparison within Triads Within the Head/Body/Image Triads: Head: These types are primarily concerned with their own thoughts. Image: These types take action when it comes to their image, which they equate with reality. Body: These types focus on the border between themselves and the world around them. Within the body triad… (Compared to Eight) Fours embrace their emotions while Eights reject them. Fours also can lack the self-assuredness and ego of an Eight. (Compared to Nine) Fours are more involved with themselves than a Nine. They are also more in touch with their needs than a Nine. While Nines will go with the flow, Fours take pride in breaking the system. (Compared to One) Fours usually lack the discipline and perfectionist tendencies of a One. Fours like to indulge their emotions, while Ones abhor doing so. Within the image triad… (Compared to Two) Fours do not place as much importance on being liked as a Type Two. In fact, some Fours may relish the idea of being disliked in order to be different. (Compared to Four) Fours seek a unique image, while Threes generally seek a favorable image. Sometimes these can overlap. Additionally, the Three image tends to be more polished and careful. Within the head triad… (Compared to Five) Fours are more concerned with their inner world than Fives are. Fours are also far more in touch with their emotions than Fives. Emotions can be like an alien influence to a Five, while it is natural for a Four. (Compared to Six) Fours tend to be more daring than Sixes. Sixes look before they leap, while Fours may not. (Compared to Seven) Fours do not fear their inner world like a Seven would. Sevens keep active to avoid their inner world, while Fours feel at home there. Within the Hornevian triads: The Hornevian triads describe how each type copes with a situation. They were originally developed by psychologist Karen Horney. Aggressive: In this context, “aggressive” means “action-oriented.” It doesn’t mean belligerence. Type Three – Takes action to gain success. Type Seven – Takes action to keep engaged in interesting activities. Type Eight - Takes action to secure more resources and to continue to consume. Withdrawn: Type Four – Withdraws to protect themselves from being absorbed into the crowd; to maintain their uniqueness. Type Five – Withdraws to defend themselves and to get a better/clearer view of the situation. Type Nine – Withdraws to maintain peace. Compliant: In this context, these types are compliant to their superegos. It doesn’t mean that they are pushovers. Type One – Complies with the superego because they will feel corrupt if they don’t. Type Two – Complies with the superego because they will feel useless if they don’t. Type Six – Complies with the superego because they will feel insecure if they don’t. Within the Harmonic triads: The Harmonic triads describe the primary problem-solving skill employed by each type. Positive Outlook: Type Two – Twos focus on their own goodness and virtue. Type Seven – Sevens adopt an “it doesn’t affect me” mentality. Type Nine – Nines focus on the “silver lining” in a situation instead of negative aspects. Competency: Type One – Ones must be competent to maintain their set of ethics. Type Three – Threes must be competent to avoid challenges to their success. Type Five – Fives must be competent to survive in the “outer world.” Reactive: Type Four – Fours may take things very personally, which makes them very emotionally intense. Type Six – Sixes are observant of their world and react accordingly. Type Eight – Eights are quick to react to challenges and to assert their boundaries. IX. Enneagram and MBTI Interaction The Enneagram describes motivations, while the MBTI describes modes of information processing. It would stand to reason that MBTI is subordinate to Enneagram, as the Enneagram deals with more basic motivations. Imagine that two people want to tell the same story, but one is a writer and one is a musician. One will write a book while the other will write a song but both have the same origin point. So let’s look at each type and how that form of information processing would appear when directed by the Four drive for uniqueness. Extroverted Sensation Types (ESTP and ESFP) Extroverted Sensation is associated with a strong connection to the “present moment” and places an emphasis on practicality in life. This sort of “practical excitement” makes the ESxP Four a dynamic (although sometimes flighty) personality. They also have a tendency to be creative, especially with the physical arts (more along the lines of painting, sculpting, and so forth.) Extroverted Intuition Types (ENTP and ENFP) Extroverted Intuition is essentially the opposite of Extroverted Sensing: instead of focusing on present information, Extroverted Intuition brainstorms a myriad number of possibilities that may or may not be true. Young ENxP Fours have a tendency to put on different guises, trying on each new identity in order to find their own. When they grow older and more mature, they still retain that flexibility although their identity has now coalesced into something solid. ENxP Fours are very likely to be described as flippant. Extroverted Thinking Types (ENTJ, ESTJ) Extroverted Thinking breaks a process down into its logical components and checks it for logical consistency. Extroverted Thinking Fours are likely to be less artsy and more like avant garde business types. The stereotype of the businessman who invents a “game changer” business strategy or product, based entirely out of their own unique insights, is probably an ExTJ Four. There are differences between ENTJ Four and ESTJ Four, namely that the ENTJ Four is more likely to reinvent a system from the ground up, while an ESTJ Four is likely to take an existing system and put a unique spin on it to make it work more efficiently. Extroverted Feeling Types (ENFJ, ESFJ) Extroverted Feeling refers to an awareness of the emotions or hidden beliefs of another, but does not necessarily imply that an Fe-dominant person must bend to those emotions. ExFJs will naturally feel a connection to other people, and when this is combined with their Type Four tendencies, they can experience an unusual tension where they are fundamentally disconnected from others but in touch with the desires (unspoken or not) of others. They may have a deep sense of caring about others, but ultimately, they fear that they will never truly achieve unity with anyone else. Introverted Sensation Types (ISTJ, ISFJ) Introverted Sensation types tend to use their experience to guide them. Type Four ISxJs probably have the most consistent image because they subconsciously gravitate toward “what works” in setting themselves apart from the rest. For that same reason, ISxJs can be the most disciplined and introverted Fours. Introverted Intuition Types (INTJ, INFJ) Ni Dominant types tend to have brilliant insights into “what’s going on”, although they do so in different ways. INTJ Fours rely on their innate ability to determine what’s “out of order” and respond accordingly. They may see this as an example of their individuality, e.g., “I can understand the way things fit together and others cannot.” This can lead to great frustration with others. INFJ Fours, on the other hand, are more perceptive of the unspoken needs and wants of others. They may develop the idea that part of their unique identity is a special insight into the inner workings of others. Introverted Thinking Types (INTP, ISTP) Introverted Thinking types (IxTP) emphasize the particular meanings of words and how each individual piece fits together within a concept. IxTP Fours may be very withdrawn, as Introverted Thinking is one of the most withdrawn functions and Four is one of the most withdrawn Enneagram types. They usually are contemplative, introspective and often academic, as they see their analytical skills as something that sets them apart from the rest. They are generally drawn to negative thoughts, and can wallow in the idea that their ability to pick things apart sets them completely off from everyone else. Introverted Feeling Types (INFP, ISFP) Introverted Feeling types are concerned more about the essence of a particular subject than the gritty particulars. (This is the opposite for Introverted Thinking types.) As a result, an IxFP Four tends to be contemplative and cautious while observing the essential qualities of the world around them. They can be very withdrawn and tend to be artistic in that their inner world is extremely abstract and must be expressed through some kind of artistic venture. X. Paths to Security Type One - “I will be secure if I’m perfect.” Type Two - “I will be secure if I’m loved, appreciated or respected.” Type Three - “I will be secure if I am successful.” Type Four - “I will be secure if I am unique.” Type Five - “I will be secure if I withdraw from harm.” Type Six - “I will be secure if I am always aware of danger.” Type Seven - “I will be secure if I can plan for the future.” Type Eight - “I will be secure if I can control the world around me.” Type Nine - “I will be secure if I have peace.” XI. Freudian Association From my article, “The Freudian Theory of Enneagram” Type 4: Ego Identity. Basic Fear: To lose their identity. Basic Desire: To be unique and authentic. Agency: Ego. The ego is in a tough position: it’s the mediator between the id, superego, and the outside world. It takes a great deal of libidinal energy to juggle this many factors at one time: so, to compensate, Type 4 withdraws and constructs a unique image inside themselves to rise above the stresses caused by their most basic impulses. Indeed, according to enneagram theory, the Type 4’s highest virtue is “equanimity”, which means balance under stress. Consequently, Type 4s are artistic and unique individuals. They are inherently romantic, relishing in the bittersweet separation they feel from the rest of the world. On one hand, it’s bitter because they’ll never see themselves as integrated into the rest of the world. But it’s also sweet, because it confirms how unique they are, thus alleviating the identity confusion that inherently comes with the id-superego tension. Instead of bowing to the id, or the superego, or the outside world, they take a fourth path - that is, withdrawal from the world. This makes Type 4 possibly the most creative enneatype. Type 4s often favor esoteric ideas, but not always. Concepts that are just as unique as they are often appeal to them. Their ego is constantly filtering, deciding what to integrate and what to discard. The Type 4 identity snowballs, growing more expansive as they gain more experiences. Eventually they integrate to Type 1 as their identity solidifies. To Encourage Integration: You have to acknowledge that your identity is a work-in-progress at all times. If you’re putting something off because you think you’re not ready… well, stop putting it off! To Avoid Disintegration: Be careful: negative emotions can distance you further and further from other people, possibly resulting in depression. Don’t let your ego drive to be unique spiral out of control. Type 4 Wings: Type 4 with a 3 Wing (Ego-Id): A 4w3 is more in touch with their id desires, giving them a greater outward intensity than the 4w5. 4w3s are often very passionate and active. Type 4 with a 5 Wing (Ego-Ego): The withdrawn traits of 4 and 5 combine here to create a more cerebral 4. 4w5 is usually more esoteric and mystical, and is more likely to withdraw from the world to explore their inner selves. 4w5 may be one of the most contemplative types in the enneagram. “The only journey is the journey within.” - Rainer Maria Rilke

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Possible mistypes (Enneagram 4)

Fours and Ones are both oriented towards an ideal, although the One’s ideal generally has a moral torque whereas the Four’s is more aesthetic and personal. Both can also have perfectionistic streaks. But Fours tend to be self-absorbed, and, when stressed, become self-indulgent and more emotionally expressive, whereas Ones under stress become increasingly self-denying and emotionally repressed.

Fours and Twos can both be emotionally expressive, and Fours, like Twos, can experience neediness under stress, but it is Twos, especially those who have artistic inclinations, who are more likely to mistype as Fours than the converse. The principle difference centers around the fact that Twos tend to be focused on others, whereas Fours tend toward self-absorption. Fours are introspective and tend to magnify their perceived flaws whereas Twos tend to have a self-flattering self-image.

Both Threes and Fours are concerned with image and, when the wing is strong, can mistype, although here, once again, it is typically Threes who mistype as Four rather than the converse. Threes however, are generally more comfortable with self-presentation and are more likely to achieve “success” in the conventional sense of the term than are the more reclusive and self-conscious Fours. Fours are introspective whereas Threes tend to focus outward. Finally, Threes tend to detach from emotions under stress and to focus on being competent, whereas Fours are likely to want a time out to process their emotions.

Fours and Fives share many traits in common and can easily be mistyped, especially when the wing is strong. Both types are frequently introspective, intellectually inclined and prone to withdrawal. The principle difference lies in the relationship that each type has to emotional experience. Fours generally know exactly how they are feeling and are generally comfortable dealing with emotional expressions from others. Fives, on the other hand, tend to detach from direct emotional experience under stress, and need to take time to process their emotional response. Finally, Fours are more inclined to self-revelation than are Fives, who generally find self-disclosure to be especially taxing.

Fours and Sixes can mistype, especially if the Six is artistically inclined and individualistic. But Fours are less attuned to the needs and expectations of others than are Sixes, who are usually very involved with friends and family and, more generally, in affairs of the world. Sixes frequently suffer from inner conflict but they are not essentially self-absorbed. Most Sixes form interpersonal bonds quite naturally, something which doesn’t come as easily to more reclusive and self-conscious Fours.

While almost the opposite in some respects, Fours and Sevens can both be unconventional, creative, and self-indulgent, and both can be attention seeking. Surprisingly, it is not especially uncommon for Sevens to mistype as Fours. When they recognize the disparity between the optimistic, fun loving persona that they project to the world and their own often anxious internal mental states, they can confuse their pain with the melancholia of type Four. Sevens are in flight from this pain however, whereas Fours often cultivate their negative mental states. Moreover, Sevens are generally far more extroverted than Fours.

It is not common for Fours and Eights to be mistaken for one another, but Fours with Three wings can present as passionate, expressive and domineering, and such behavior might generate a mistype. Eights however tend to repress from consciousness any feelings of vulnerability whereas Fours are comfortable exploring such emotions. Eights are practical people of action, Fours require a good deal of time alone and often work on projects which have no practical application.

Fours and Nines are both withdrawn types, and both can be creative and sensitive. Fours have a far darker inner mental landscape than do Nines however, who tend to detach from unpleasant emotions. Nines are conflict avoidant whereas Fours sometimes invite conflict as a means to intensify experience. Nines tend to relate well to others and to find a niche in their social circle; Fours tend to feel like misfits who can’t quite find their place.