#sometimes I daydream that we win the lottery just so that no one would be financially fucked if I did so

[error-rambles]

11/21/2023 9:42am

I really want to kill myself. This is all bullshit.

[holytrohmanempire]

per the impending and devastating loss of How to Dance in Ohio, I have some rambly thoughts under the cut

Mel's character hit me harder in the representation than anyone else. I've never been formally diagnosed or anything, but I learned during college that "everyone assumed" I was autistic. There's a scene in the show I won't go into due to potential spoilers where Mel has a difficult time communicating with their boss and I have had that conversation almost verbatim at... every job I've ever had. I'm queer and I don't do tasks that aren't communicated to me and I don't have a lot of familial support (biologically - my chosen family and in laws are wonderful) and I often feel abandoned when I'm... outgrown, for lack of a better term.

anyway, when the soundtrack came out, I was struck with the realization that they get a turn of the same line twice. Early in the show they say:

"Do you know how your habits are formed? Doing the same thing over and over."

This is portrayed by Mel as a good thing. They're praised as having good work ethic, they've figured out how to get by because they form habits. It's a strength for them.

But then later in the show, they say:

"Do you know what insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over."

For me, this speaks to the double edged sword of autism, the counterpoint to the "disability is a superpower!" narrative you sometimes see on places like tumblr. Because doing the same thing over and over (an autistic trait if there ever was one) is their strength and weakness at the same time.

Sometimes the things that make you you are good, sometimes bad, sometimes neutral, and sometimes all three. I can "hello, how are you? Thanks I'm fine!" a thousand times and it will be right every time, and that thousand and first time it will be the wrong thing to say. The other person will go off script and I will have done something wrong that I had no idea was wrong.

This show makes it clear that the phrase "(one) struggles with autism" is a negative misconception, but also shows that, while it sucks when people say that... sometimes we do. Not because stimming or being blunt or getting the script wrong is bad, but because we have to deal with the fallout when other people don't like it. One of my first clear memories is of being 3 or 4 years old and getting put in time out by a teacher for asking "What?" when she called my name. Nobody had ever told me I was supposed to either say yes or just look up - I wanted to know why she had called for me, but I wasn't allowed to ask that. At my last job, my supervisor kept asking me why I had made a mistake and I was baffled, telling her that I didn't do it for any particular reason, I just messed up, that's why it's called a mistake, and didn't find out till after I went home, rebuked, that she asked why because she wanted an apology. I spent my whole life getting in trouble for fidgeting and either daydreaming or being a know it all, depending on the class. People would meet me once and call me aloof or mean or weird.

But autism is also some of the best of me. I can always win trivia games and I'm a font of useless fun facts at parties. I devour books and I finish my work each day in record time. I like being me - even the cringe parts. I like slimes and stim toys and curling up with the same book I've read a thousand times before. I would never trade that away.

I like Mel because you get to see the best and the worst. I like that they're bad with people, but they try so hard, and they're so sincere. I like that they're practical and pragmatic but willing to forgive.

I'm devastated to be losing How to Dance in Ohio on Broadway. I think it should have run for years and years, and I think it's low key homophobic that I don't get to go like, once a month with my lottery-won tickets and see that awesome shiny disco ball set piece (way cooler than the phantom chandelier.)

But I hope what this means is a lower budget future for the show. I guess a pro-shot is probably a pipe dream, but I hope it means off-broadway, a tour, community and high school theater access. I hope the silver lining is people who are not lucky enough to have my circumstances getting to see it and feel that same chest-crushing recognition I did. I hope everyone who needs it gets to see themselves on stage and weep (as I did) through fully most of the songs. I hope it means more autistic actors getting to stim on stage! I hope it means normalizing people like me. I hope it's the first step towards a legacy.

(and I also hope everybody in the cast gets their dream roles forever and ever y'all were so amazing omg)

[tfw-adhd]

So I work at a factory, which usually isn't an issue, but my boss banned headphones for the week and they've somehow come to the conclusion that me doodling on a few sticky notes so I don't zone out has slowed down the line. Somehow. Anyways, I can't listen to my usual podcasts or music, and I can't draw to keep myself focused, so I inevitably ended up daydreaming. I somehow got to the topic of what I'd do if I won a million dollars and I was actually thinking about it because I was bored, and I ended up making a list in my head of everything I would buy, who I'd buy it for, who I'd give money to, etcetera. and then I started actually trying to count up how much everything would cost so I basically spent the last three hours of work trying to do math in my head because I couldn't write it down despite the fact that, not only am I bad at math, but I really, really hate it. And I couldn't stop because there was literally nothing else to do and because I was distracted with trying to keep the numbers straight in my head I wasn't working as fast as I usually can...

.. sorry for rambling, it's just really frustrating. ANYWAYS, what I was planning on asking in the first place. Is getting stuck on a topic like this an adhd thing or is it something else? Or is it just me

(I did figure out what I'd do with up to $872.000 though, so if I ever somehow win the lottery at least I know I won't be completely irresponsible with the money 😅)

Haha I don’t mind the ramble! And honestly, that’s something I’ve done before, too XD It’s fun to figure out what you’d spend money on!

And, yeah, that’s absolutely an ADHD thing. Sometimes we end up hyperfocusing on one thing, which means that one thing gets all of our attention for a few hours, until we snap out of it.

[hunkydorybarnes]

Muse

Bucky Barnes X Reader

Prompt: Y/N is an avenger and a fanfic writer, her latest infatuation is the big, strong, broody, Bucky Barnes. Knowing he'll never be interested in them, they use Bucky as their muse for writing out scenarios they wished would happen in real life.

A/N: Yay guys we made it to Friday :) thank you for the prompt @the-ss-horniest-book-club 💜

Warnings: A smidgen of daydreams, fluff, smut is mentioned but nothing sexually detailed.

Y/U/N = Your Username

There he was in the flesh, his hair combed back into a bun, a plaid shirt and black jeans. He looked just as handsome as ever. Bucky offered a small smile and a quiet hello when he entered the kitchen, looking through the pantry for something to eat. He had his back turned to you, completely unaware of what was swimming through your mind. Your thoughts and feelings were posted online amongst the abundance of fanfiction you've written about Bucky. All anonymously of course, you've never told a soul who you were and nobody guessed because everyone was there doing the same thing.

Your imagines consisted of daydreams that you wished would happen in real life; cuddling up on the couch with a movie, being the one he runs to when he has a nightmare, listening to songs together. They weren't all mutual pining though, you did experiment with some AUs, mobster!Bucky, biker!bucky and professor!bucky seemed to be the fans favourite.

Smut was a fun one to experiment with, it was the opportunity to let your creative juices flow and write everything you would want him to do to you. The amount of babies you made in your fics was pretty staggering.

Your latest fic that you posted just yesterday was your wedding night. You rested your head in your palm and you smiled off into the distance thinking about how perfect it would be to write a part 2, your readers were definitely keen on the idea.

"What's on your mind doll?" Bucky asked, spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread.

You. You desperately wanted to answer, the length of time this man was living in your head rent free was going on almost a few months now.

"Nothing. Just thinking about what to do today." You lied, knowing exactly what you were going to do. You had a smut request sitting in your ask box.

Bucky hummed quietly, shoving three quarters of the sandwich in his mouth and chewing gracefully. So sometimes you wondered why you were so infatuated with him.

"What are you doing today?" You asked him, twirling a bit of string from your raggy sweater around your finger.

"Sam sent me some links of fanfiction to read, thinking I'm gonna relax and engage with the world." He looks directly in your eyes and for a moment panic bubbles up in your chest.

There's absolutely no way, there is thousands of people writing for Bucky across different platforms. The chances of him reading yours was... Well, there was more chance winning the lottery.

"Oh! Great idea. I hope you enjoy." You said standing up from your stool and making your way to the exit before Bucky called you.

"Oh I'm sure I will, Y/U/N." He winks and walks around you to leave the kitchen, leaving you standing there shocked.

[hawkinshellfire]

Right Where You Left Me

Chapter 13 - Enchanted

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place

Walls of insincerity

Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face

On the drive back from the cottage, Joyce stares out the window at the passing countryside and sighs. “Do we have to go back?”

 “I thought you were looking forward to starting your new job?” Hopper smiles. 

 “I am. But…”

 “One more year Joyce, then we’re outta here!”

 “Yeah?” she states softly, eyes still glued on the passing greenery.

 “Yeah. The moment we cross that stage and grab our diploma’s we’ll hop in the car and drive down to the California coast. You can study art at some big fancy school and we can get a house with a view of the ocean.”

 “Did you win the lottery and forget to tell me about it?’ she chuckles.

 ‘I’ve been saving. Besides, with my scholarship money, we’re set.”

 “Maybe I should get a job that pays more than the library,” she muses out loud. 

 “Absolutely not. You were so excited when they offered you that job. Besides, I’m excited to come and visit you at work.”

 “You plan on checking out books?”

 “I plan on checking you out,” he smirks. 

 Joyce laughs softly and continues to gaze at the passing land. One more year. 

.

.

 Semi-buried beneath her covers, Joyce pinches her eyes shut as the sound of her parents' voices fill the house. They’d been arguing for well over an hour. About what, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that she refused to leave her room and get involved. 

 She finds herself watching the dust dance in the sunlight streaming in through the window. The sun was just beginning to set, painting her walls in a pale shade of yellow that provided her with a strange sense of comfort. Watching the dust flit across the empty space in front of her, she thinks that a life lived in warm yellows must be one of comfort. California would be yellow. 

 Joyce closes her eyes and dreams of salty air and a house by the sea. She can see it all so clearly. A lone chair sitting near the window bay, the sandy shore stretching out in front of the glass pane, the sun warming up the room and washing over her face, a familiar sense of comfort becomes her. 

 She’s reading, as she so often does on Sunday evenings. With her book in her lap and a warm cup of tea on the table next to her, she looks around the living room of the house she and Hopper so effortlessly decorated and smiles. A few of her paintings are hung on the wall, something Hopper insisted on doing the moment they were dry. Next to them, his record collection and a few cookbooks. She can hear him in the kitchen, clanging pots and pans as he prepares their meal. 

 This was their Sunday routine. She would read silently in her corner of the world while Hopper scurried around and made them dinner. Sometimes, no words were exchanged. They moved in tandem, slowly enjoying all that their lives together had to offer and for a brief moment, the world stood still. She never craved the business that came with Friday night football or the weekly grocery trip they took to the market on Saturdays, but she craved the way the world stood still for them on Sunday. 

 Life was simpler here. People were kind and welcoming. She didn’t have to fall asleep to the sound of her parents fighting, or prove herself to girls she didn’t care about. 

She and Hopper had built an entire life for themselves and it was more than she ever could have imagined for herself. 

 Rubbing the bridge of her nose, she stares out at the sandy shore and the sunny sky and draws in a deep breath before going to join Hopper for dinner. 

 The sound of something shattering breaks Joyce out of her daydream. Sadly, she takes in the bland walls of her bedroom and lets herself cry. She cries until she falls asleep, telling herself that she only has one year to go. 

 .

.

 Across town, Hopper is working out in the yard when he hears his parents arguing about something through the open kitchen window. He places his weights down on the grass and approaches the window, where it becomes clear that his parents are arguing about the letter he recently received in the mail. 

 His father had been so proud the day Hopper returned home from the cottage, hoisting the letter into his arms and exclaiming that it was time to serve his country. Hopper, on the other hand, had a sinking feeling in his gut since the moment he was handed that envelope.

 He knew he couldn’t not go. He’d been called to serve, much like a handful of his classmates, but the thought of leaving Joyce was killing him. Even thinking about telling her about the letter made him feel sick. 

 He’d been doing his best to forget about it for the past two days. Senior year started the next day and he would much rather be focused on the football season and his girlfriend. 

 From inside the kitchen, he can hear his mother explain to his father that he shouldn’t put so much pressure on him about going. He listens as she explains that she knows he’ll have to go and only returns to his workout when he can hear his mother begin crying.

 He just wasn’t going to think about it.

 Deployment was months away.

 For now, he was going to focus on starting his senior year and pretend that the life he and Joyce planned didn’t seem light-years away. 

.

.

After his workout, Hopper devours a bowl of cereal and stands next to the sink while waiting for his water bottle to fill. The phone rings next to him and he reaches for it with a mouth full of corn flakes on the second ring.

 “Hello?”

 “Hey, it’s me,” Joyce’s voice rings through the receiver.

 “Hey,” he says softly. “What’s up?”

 “I was just thinking about you,” she informs him.

 “Oh? What about me?”

 “I can’t wait for us to get the hell out of here.”

 His heart sinks and he stutters. He could tell her about the letter, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. Just picturing her shattered expression makes his stomach sink and instead he replies, “me too.”

 “I just called to tell you that. And to tell you that I don’t need a ride tomorrow,” she says.

 “You sure? I can pick you up before practice.”

 “It’s alright. It’s our last first day and I want to walk.”

 “Can I still drive you home?”

 “Only if we can stop for shakes.”

 “You drive a hard bargain, Horowitz.”

 “See you tomorrow?” she asks.

 “See you tomorrow.”

 Hanging up the phone, Hopper drops his head to his hands and exhales. He had to tell her about the letter. He couldn’t let her go on planning their future together knowing he was going to be the one to rip the plans away. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, a lose-lose situation.

 If he told her, he would break her heart. If he waited to tell her, he would break it more.

 .

.

 The first day back as seniors, Joyce faces a few stares from classmates and freshmen, all likely wondering why someone like Hopper was interested in someone like her. With Chrissy and her minions having graduated, Joyce faced a lot less hazing. Sure, a few of the cheerleaders in her class made faces at her when she passed them in the halls, but most of their gossiping was harmless and she was so genuinely happy with Hopper that she didn’t listen to any of it. 

 True to his word, Hopper takes her to the diner after school for milkshakes and it becomes their Monday ritual. Joyce would work in the library until football practice ended and then she and Hopper would end up at the diner, splitting a chocolate shake. 

 She attended every one of his games that fall. Sitting on the bleachers with the rest of the fans, and occasionally his parents, she slowly learned the rules of the game and grew not to hate football. Her favourite games were the ones his father attended because he would explain the plays to her as the game went on and she didn’t have to worry about making small talk with classmates she only saw at the games. 

Two months into senior year, Hopper and Joyce had become the couple to envy. They walked down the halls arm in arm and nearly every freshman girl swooned over Hopper. 

 They were inseparable. He sat at a library table and did his homework while Joyce worked. She smoked on the bleachers while she waited for him at football practice. 

 Their weekends were filled with nights at the drive-in and once the weather began to cool, they spent nights watching movies in the Hopper’s living room. They spent time with Benny and Helen and soon enough Joyce and Helen became actual friends. 

 Hopper noticed Joyce was spending less time at home but didn't press her to tell him why. Instead, one night while walking home from a small party at Lover’s Lake, he listens intently as she tells him that her mom hadn’t returned from her latest business trip (one she’d taken a month prior). Hopper listened as she spoke and offered to help in any way he could. 

 That night after returning home he asked his parents how they would feel about Joyce occasionally spending the night. After hearing more about her situation at home, they agreed as long as Jim’s bedroom door remained open and he was respectful of the house rules. He informed Joyce the next day that she was welcome to spend the night whenever she felt uncomfortable at home and though she was initially mad at him for involving his parents, she eventually admitted she was grateful. 

 Three months into senior year Joyce spends her first night at his house. They don’t do anything wild, just do some homework and read side by side before bed, but it feels strangely intimate to her. 

 She doesn’t make spending the night a habit, but on a handful of occasions she finds herself tucked in next to Hopper, wearing one of his flannel shirts.

 He’d yet to tell her about his letter because how could he be the one to burst her bubble.

 When December rolls around, he asks Joyce if she wants to go to senior prom with him. Initially reluctant to attend another prom, Joyce tells him she’ll think about it. Helen eventually convinces her that she has to join them at prom or it “just won’t be the same” and Hopper tells Joyce that he’ll buy them tickets.

 That Tuesday morning, Joyce is lingering near the ticket table waiting for a teacher to unlock the art room so she can grab the notebook she’d left behind the day before. A girl in her class, Clara, spots her and marches over with a fake smile. Clara was tall, blonde, and this year's head cheerleader. She’d never spoken a single word to Joyce, though Joyce always saw her at football games and knew she and her friends often gossiped about her. She hated girls like Clara, who reminded her of Chrissy. Tall, blonde, beautiful and extremely cruel. 

 “Isn’t Jim buying you tickets?” the tall blonde snarls.

 “Why do you care?”

 “I didn’t think prom was really your scene.”

 “It isn’t. It’s full of mindless idiots. You’re going, right?” Joyce smirks. 

 “Ugh, whatever. I was just going to tell you that if you don’t go, you should keep an eye on Jim. He’s a hot commodity and someone might just try and snatch him up.”

 “Are you threatening me?” Joyce steps towards the girl, who immediately shrinks and steps back. 

 “Just thought I’d be nice and give you a heads up,” Clara smiles wickedly. 

 “How kind.” Joyce rolls her eyes, stuffs her hands in her pockets and marches towards her next class. 

 Girls like Clara and Chrissy were always trying to get under her skin and she’d decided long ago that she wasn’t going to let them. Why then, did she find herself chomping down on the inside of her cheek as she took her seat, fists clenched at her sides? She knew Clara was only trying to get a rise out of her, but for some odd reason, her insult played on a loop in the back of Joyce’s mind. She knew that Hopper wouldn’t care if she didn’t want to go to prom. She also knew that he would never stand by and let another girl flirt with him; she had his heart and that she was certain of. What bothered her was the subconscious thought that kept her awake some nights; Were girls like Chrissy and Clara always going to make her feel like she wasn’t enough for Hopper? 

 After school that afternoon, Hopper excitedly flashes two prom tickets at Joyce before unlocking the car. 

 “Got them!”

 Unsure of what to say, Joyce wordlessly climbs into the passenger seat and kicks at her book bag. 

 “Joyce?” he looks over at her with concern, “everything alright?”

 “Yeah,” she replies, “everything’s fine.”

 “You still want to go to prom, right? Because we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

 “No no. I’ll go. It’s just…”

 “Can I promise you something before you continue that sentence?” 

 Joyce nods. 

 “This isn’t going to be like all the other proms. I know dances aren’t really your thing but I promise you that this one is going to be different.”

 “I don’t know Hop, it’s still a dance.”

 “I know it is. But it’s me and you. And if you’d like it can be just us two.” 

 “Just us two?”

 “Just us two. We can pretend like no one else is there. How does that sound? We go together, you let me steal a dance or two and then if it’s horrible we can leave.”

 “Hmmm,” Joyce contemplates out loud. “Aright, fine. I’m wearing sneakers with my dress,” she informs him. 

 “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he smiles. 

 “And when it’s terrible, we’re leaving.”

 “You’ve got yourself a deal Horowitz.” 

 “Can we swing by the diner for a milkshake?” she asks. 

 “Of course.” 

 Joyce decides to forget about what Clara said that morning. She trusts Hopper means it when he says they can leave the dance if she’s not having a good time. Besides, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to have him hold her in his arms while they danced. It was her one regret from the previous dance she’d gone to; not getting to dance with him. 

 .

.

 January 13th was senior prom night at Hawkins High. Hopper nervously fiddles with the buttons on his jacket while he paces the length of Joyce’s porch. He told her he would pick her up at 8 o’clock sharp and it was now 8:07 and he’d get to see her. 

 When he rang the bell, knowing her parents were both away for the week, she yelled back telling him she’d be ready in a few minutes. 

 Instead of wearing down the soles of his dress shoes, Hopper takes a seat on the edge of Joyce’s porch and pulls out a cigarette. He lights it, takes a long drag and exhales a deep breath. 

  He was going to make tonight perfect for her. With his deployment date looming closer and their senior year passing quicker than expected, he knew he wanted to remember this night with Joyce forever.

 The door opens behind him, bathing the porch in dim yellow lighting and the floorboards creak as Joyce steps towards him. 

 “Ta-da,” she laughs, holding out her arms to show off her dress. It was a deep red colour, the top hugging her chest tightly while the skirt floated it just below her knees. Not at all what he expected her to wear. 

 Hopper turns to face her with a smile and takes in the way her curly hair hangs over her shoulders. She shyly smiles back at him and decides to twirl around and show off her dress (and her converse). 

 “You look beautiful.”

 “You don’t look half bad yourself,” she grins. “I didn’t choose the dress, Helen did.”

 “You’d look beautiful in anything.”

 “Sap,” she laughs, smacking his arm. “Should we get going and get this over with?”

 “First,” Hopper scrambles, nervously reaching into his back pocket, “this is for you.” He hands her a small white flower with a silver wristband. 

 Joyce reaches out and runs her fingers delicately over the edges of the petals. “Hop.”

 “I know it’s lame but I just thought…”

 “It’s beautiful,” she smiles. 

 She extends her wrist in his direction and cocks her head. “Will you put it on?”

 He nods and slips the flower on her wrist. 

 “There. Now we’re ready to go.”

 “Actually, I have something too.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small silver flask. “To make the night tolerable.”

 “You’re wild, Horowitz,” he shakes his head and takes a sip from the flask. He coughs immediately, “Jesus, what is that?”

 “Don't question it, just close your eyes and drink.”

 “Shall we?” he asks, extending his arm in her direction. 

 “We shall,” she giggles, looping her arm through his. 

 Halfway to the school, Hopper notices Joyce fiddling with her thumbs and reaches over to take one of her hands. 

 “Hey,” he says softly, “this is going to be fun. Just me and you.”

 They drink the contents of her flask in the parking lot before entering the dance and giggling as they make their way into the already crowded gymnasium. 

 Outside the entrance a tower of balloons welcomes them. The gymnasium is covered in green and white streamers and the dance floor, located in front of the bleachers, is covered in confetti. 

 “Joyce!” Helen exclaims when she spots her. She rushes over, dragging Benny behind her. 

 “You guys made it!” she adds.

 Hopper and Benny high five and Joyce compliments Helen’s hair which is piled high in her head in a lump of curls. 

 Joyce looks around the dance and lets out the breath she’d been holding. It wasn’t that bad. The foursome makes their way over to the punch bowl and helps themselves to glasses that are more alcohol than a punch. 

 A jazz song begins playing and Helen squeals and grabs Benny’s hand. “Let’s gooooo! I love this song.” 

 She drags him off towards the dance floor, leaving Joyce and Hopper alone next to the punch table. 

 “Whatcha thinking?” Hopper asks Joyce.

 “That if you’d told me during junior year I’d be at senior prom with my best friend I would have thought you were crazy.”

 “Joyce, we’re at senior prom together. Still think I’m crazy?”

 “Of course you are. You’re dating me.”

 “The only kind of crazy that makes me is crazy for you.”

 She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at his comment but allows him to snake an arm around her waist and pull her closer.

 “You wanna dance?”

 “I’m fine here.”

 “Come on,” he smirks, taking her hand and tugging her towards the dance floor. 

 She notices a few of the cheerleaders in her class staring as Hopper leads them to the dance floor and does her best to ignore them. They were just jealous because they would never understand what she and Hopper had. She was beginning to believe that no one would ever understand their connection. It ran deeper than even she knew how to describe, a thought that terrified and thrilled her all at once. 

 Lucille begins playing as they reach the center of the dance floor. Surrounded by her classmates, Joyce awkwardly sways next to Hopper. He reaches out and squeezes her hand, silently telling her to let go. And she does. 

 She lets him twirl her inwards and outwards again, laughing as he awkwardly attempts to dip her but fails. The two of them jump and spin and scream along with the song until they’re breathless and in each other’s arms. When the music stops, Joyce leads Hopper away from all the commotion and they take a seat on the bleachers. 

 “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asks.

 “It might have been fun.”

 “Alright everyone, it’s time to announce our prom king and queen!” 

 The announcement echoes through the gymnasium and kids begin to gather in front of the small platform acting as a stage. On it, the class president Veronica stands with the microphone in hand. 

 Joyce winces and leans against Hopper. She hated popularity contests. It was something she’d battled with all of high school since her best friend was popular and she wasn’t. Now that they were dating things only seemed to get worse. Popularity was a black and white concept at Hawkins High. Hopper was popular, she was not. The girls in her class went out of their way to make sure she didn’t forget it. 

 She grips Hopper’s arm and watches him watching the stage. He looks down at her and offers her a reassuring smile. 

 “We had an overwhelming amount of votes this year, and I am happy to announce that our prom king and queen for this year are Clara Samuels and Jim Hopper!!”

 Joyce feels like the wind has been knocked out of her when Hopper’s name is announced. Hopper looks stunned but before he can react a group of guys are chanting his name and leading him through the crowd towards the stage. Clara is already front and center, waving in her tiara and sash when he reaches the stage. Veronica has him lean down so she can place a gold crown on his head. He looks for Joyce and locks eyes with her, trying his best to convey an apology. 

 Joyce folds her arms over her chest and watches as Clara and Hopper are instructed to dance under a spotlight in the middle of the dance floor. 

 Helen comes up on her left and softly whispers, “you good?”

 “Yup,” Joyce responds, popping the “p.”

 Hesitantly, Hopper puts his hands on Clara’s hips and they begin to move to the music. He looks uncomfortable while Clara has a smug grin on her face. When her eyes meet Joyce’s from behind Hopper’s shoulder, she smiles and pulls Hopper closer. That’s all Joyce needs to make a beeline for the exit. She can hear the music begin to fade as she marches out into the parking lot, but she doesn’t dare look back.

 She reaches Hop’s car in a haste and frustratedly digs around in her bag for a cigarette. Lighting it, she leans back against the car and inhales. She can tell that the music inside the gym has become quick-paced again and wonders how long the king and queen dance actually lasted. 

 Of course, Clara would be voted the prom queen. It was always going to be girls like Chrissy constantly reminding her that she didn’t belong with Hopper because she wasn’t his traditional type. She knew none of it mattered to Hopper. It shouldn’t matter to her either. Joyce closes her eyes and focuses her energy on her cigarette. 

 “I thought I might find you here,” Hopper’s voice cuts through the silence. 

 “Shouldn’t you be taking Royal photos?” Her words come out harsher than intended.

 “Nah, one dance was enough. I bet it was a joke that I was even nominated.”

 “That crown looks good on you,” she compliments, attempting to cut some of the tension. 

 He lifts it off his head and places it on hers. “Looks better on you.”

 She attempts to remove it but he places a hand in hers and holds it in place. “It’s yours now.”

 “I’m not wearing your crown.”

 “Please.”

 “Why?”

 “Because you’ll always be my prom queen.” 

 She blushes and looks down at her shoes. He lights his own cigarette and leans on the car next to her. 

 “You genuinely believe that, don’t you?”

 “Of course I do. I love you, Joyce.”

 She rocks forward on her toes, plants a hand on his chest and kisses him. 

 From inside the gymnasium, the soft sounds of a slow song spill out into the parking lot. 

 “Can I have this dance?” Hopper asks, extending one hand to her.

 “Out here?”

 “Why not?” he shrugs. 

 Joyce takes his hand and lets him pull her into his chest. He wraps both hands around her waist and she rests her head beneath his chin. 

 The crown he placed on her head brushes against his cheek and he smiles. 

 They dance in silence for a few moments, gravitating towards one another as they move. 

 “This is exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to the dance,” he whispers. 

 “It is?”

 “It is. Not to sound like a broken record but, I love you, Joyce.”

 Looking up into his blue eyes, she feels her heart lurch and she knows that he’s the real thing. He didn’t care about what anyone thought. He saw things the way she did; it was the two of them against the world, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. 

 She pulls her gaze away from his and bites on her lower lip, an unfamiliar sensation overcoming her. 

 “Hop,” she whispers. His hands flatten against her back and he stills them from swaying. 

 “I - “ she stutters. Looking up, she locks eyes with him and a calm washes over her entire body. 

 “I love you too.”

 A smile settles over Hopper’s face and he leans down to kiss her. On the outside, he allows his facial features to soften and his shoulders to relax, demonstrating to Joyce how much her words mean to him. On the inside, however, he’s a mess. How was he supposed to tell her he was leaving now?

 The lingering question kept me up

Two a.m., who do you love?

[therem-harth]

For the meme! Norwegian Angelica, Pincushion, Pink, Primrose, Sunflower

Heyo! :)) Thanks for asking, and so many! I like sunflowers! And don't recognize any other flowers here! :D Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Hmm, it's hard to be concise as I've had a complicated relationship with her to say the least. But I'm sort of trying to reach out intermittently (once in a couple months hah) again so that's something. But my mother is someone very in touch with nature and animals, she grew up in the countryside and is still very much a country girl as she now keeps goats, ducks, chickens, turkeys etc. She has told me that she has no need for antidepressants because she can just go to the forest, for example, which, well, shows both her medicine-hate and nature-love hah. She used to be very hardworking - she almost got a PhD in chemistry like my father but three kids and the house and a business was a bit too much to also write a thesis. Because of this and other things, she's.... currently I'd best describe her as horribly burnt out and depressed and self-depreciative. But she is easy to talk to, she will carry the conversation and she will tell her side eagerly and at least listen to yours - she both is probably lonely and has this need to be always presentable and talk to her family a bit like we're business partners she needs to convince which I used to hate, and she will tell you about how horrible she has it at the drop of the hat. When in a room with others, she will most often stay silent and listen, however, she used to say that she liked to just listen when me and siblings would talk. She has her own, mostly non-explicit ways of showing she cares, and you know, hey I managed to write a p alright summary that wasn't just unprocessed anger, yay for me. Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Mm, I assume this deals with physical pain. I've been quite lucky thus far and have no chronic pains except the normal millenial achy knees sometimes. Since I already mentioned above that I grew up in a pretty anti-medicine household, I didn't use an ibumetin or paracetamol for anything not mirstamā kaite (dying sickness) until I was like... 19. So I just kinda, uh, waited it out I guess? Which is largely still the mode of action for me nowadays, though now I usually take ibumetin, that's about it. I always thought I deal with pain p well and have a high tolerance and I definitely am quite good at pushing myself through it when needed but really I'd rather I didn't have to feel that toothache while having to focus on the paper or smth. I actually had pretty strong period cramps a week or so ago that I usually don't get and then I just... took one ibumetin, finished off the research paper, took another ibumetin because holy shit, complained to friends, played assassins creed until the pain faded a bit and got back to studying :D Also re: mental pain, well, I've had 2 years of therapy to sort of help with that, and I find the thing that works most reliably to me is the schema therapy caring parent/vulnerable child thing, I just sorta. Listen to the pain and hear it and then console it. Be your own parent 2kforever.

Pink: Where is home?

Here!

It's quite a cozy flat in an... hm, middle class neighborhood, the owner never shows up and we just pay the rent in his debit card, he's chill with us paying it late and when our stove sort of implodes he comes and buys a new one! I also live with sis which is p great, since, as my therapist pointed out, we've been negotiating how to live in each other's spaces literally since birth so we know how to co-exist (I like my space perhaps more than others - I don't particularly enjoy having friends over and I like that we have sort of come to an arrangement of kitchen is talk space and our rooms are less so). I used to think I didn't get attached to places but now with potential talks of moving that didn't end up anywhere I got so afraid of losing this sense of stability, a place to jump from that I didn't have as solid before. It's my gremlin cave and yes there's mold growing in places that we're too lazy/tired to try to deal with, and sometimes we play chicken about who will cave and wash the dishes or take out the trash, but hey, it's my gremlin cave.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

Hah, I've actually been on and off daydreaming about winning a million euros in lottery (a pal's gotta dream, alright :D). And then the scenario goes a bit like buy a house with a garden that me and sis and poosssibly my friends would live in, get a car and driving license, travel a bit, stop working at my current job and just vibe for a bit before either moving to the deep countryside and being a farmer or working in businesses as an anthropologist for sense of accomplishement. In the 99.99% case I do not win the lottery, however, I think working in a place where I can both excercise my brain and feel smart and appreciated about doing it would be great, I'm lowkey considering working as an anthropologist if I can wrangle a vacancy in some place. I think I'd like to either continue my slow, slow ventures into writing, or, since I've realized I'm pretty fucking amazing at realizing other's mistakes instead of my own and giving constructive criticism :D go into editing work. But who knows. I mostly want to get enough money to have a bit of property and a garden and be able to sometimes travel, and then a nice job is a luxury. Still sometimes thinking of moving just deep deep into the countryside and buying chickens. But I won't really make much money that way alas. Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? Mm, well the obvious basics of a roof over my head and food in my tummy tum tum, but besides that, I'd probably say my friends. Be weird old people together. Even if I do move or somehow lose my current friends, I still want to make connections with close friends bc well I find them neat. I don't make a great lonely person.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Sorry about this rant. I wrote this early on today, saved it to go do something, then never got back to it. I’m posting it because I hate deleting after wasting time writing it.

 In case you are wondering, the day did not get better. I ended up cutting brush (something “useful”) instead of going to the woods. The flies would have gotten me either way....

So you wanna know what kind of day it is?

 It’s a day where after just three hours of sleep you start discovering new things you need to worry about, things start breaking, and even tiny things go wrong. All the bites, injuries, and other physical aggravations are, um, aggravated. You discover that the power company cutting trees near powerlines did some  damage, which isn’t technically “a problem” but is upsetting. Even your pets are in a grumpy mood. And then, when you try to call the one person you have to vent to, they are too busy to talk today, but you end up discovering new reasons to worry.

Obviously the thing to do now is to take a walk in the woods and temporarily escape all the troubles.....

Except the deer flies are swarming. Step out of the house and get eaten alive.

***sigh***

I’d wish I’d stayed in bed if I had the luxury of actually doing that.

No, seriously, anyone that can spend a day being non-functional I envy. It must be lovely to know you have someone that will check you are still alive and temporarily take on some of your responsibilities if you are starting to crack.

 Even in the old days, I never got to stay in bed all day when I was sick. If you want to eat, you’d have to go get it. If you can stand to do something, you’d do it. If you were really bad off you could rest, but the only way you did that all day was if you were at death’s door. It’s just the way we always were. We’d help each other, but everyone expected to keep going until we dropped. You do as much as you can take, and you push it as far as you can. 

 The day after a wreck that gave me a concussion, broken ribs, and smashed elbows I was home alone, but I didn’t rest. I spent my day feeling horrible, but still, gently as I could, unloading a trailer full of stuff that had been in the wrecked pickup, cooking a meal, dragging a small boat up the driveway, and so forth. No one was making me do it, but I knew these things needed doing, and technically I could. Resting felt lazy and neglecting what needed doing, and that’s knowing that my folks would be back that evening. 

But now there are no folks to get things done if I can’t. What I don’t do doesn’t get done. Back then, of course, the idea of staying in bed for emotional reasons would have been unthinkable. 

The family wasn’t cruel or anything, but emotional difficulties were supposed to be ignored or contained before they got in the way of doing things. You can get over it if you just want to, you don’t have to be weak, there isn’t anything wrong with you but you aren’t trying hard enough, there is no point in giving in to your feelings... I don’t mean you couldn’t cry or rage. You could express them, but that was it. Express but don’t indulge. You didn’t have to fake being happy, but you also couldn’t stop. 

I guess they were always ashamed if me, quitely, unspoken, a sad regret and exasperation with me. Oh, generally I was always a “keep going” person too, but that was with physical stuff. Chores to do, difficult tasks, problems to solve... Social things were different. 

Stuff happened in kindergarten. Bad stuff. And school proved total hell. I changed in several ways, dramatically and suddenly. Critically, I’d been a fearless extrovert and and I became a frightened introvert almost overnight. 

Yeah, nowadays parents would probably see my changes as something to be concerned about. They would wonder what had happened to me. But back then it was assumed to be just a shyness phase. I was being over sensitive and needed to tough up. “Obviously” I would if I just wanted to. 

So I ended up the one member of the family that didn’t just “get over” emotionally upsetting things as easily as I could injuries or illnesses. I could always push past fear or pain when the problem was physical, and I’m still great at that. Anxiety around peopling, however, could stop me. I have the distinction of being the first member of my family in generations to not graduate college, but not because of any lack of intellectual capacity. My stress around people, humans being FAR more dangerous than any rattlesnake, should have been something I could defeat, but instead it defeated me. 

You know, I’d sometimes say how pathetic and weak I’d been because I’d let myself be broken in elementary school. Mom would roll her eyes and say I’d never broken in my life. I could never get her to understand we were talking about different things. She was talking about my willingness to go against the crowd and defy those in power. She was thinking of the me that goes fearless when guns point at me, who insisted on giving a speech/rant about how the school system must change (did it? Hardly) instead of the expected Valedictorian glop, and nearly took on a cop for kicking a cat. 

Those are the easy things. The big things. If it involves something I consider morally and ethically wrong, if it involves abuse or bullies, if it involves anyone so much as attempting to force to compromise my beliefs I forget to be afraid. Defiance and resistance are almost intoxicating actually. To confront an enemy and refuse to yield to their threats or violence can make you feel strong, even as they erode you physically. TBH, I wonder how much of what allows people to become martyrs is just the brain going “FUCK YOU” to a force that wants them to reshape their soul. 

You know, it’s probably good I’m broke and live in a town of less than 500 people. I’d probably have gotten myself killed at a protest by now. 

The smaller things get me. The normal things. The things others shrug off or never even notice. Send me against an army, but don’t send me into a store with no customers and an eager salesperson ready to “help”! 

So as far as I am concerned I am the coward, the weak and broken one, the one that knows she should let nothing stop her but then fails. The fact I am unfliching with things others fear means nothing when things that hardly bother “normal” people terrify me.

Anyway, to get back to the point, emotionally screwy as I am, I have always tried to keep going. 

Relentlessly bullied in school I’d still get up every damn morning and go to that hell hole. Once a year I’d have a sort of “break down” day in the spring, and I’d run off into to the woods and hide long enough to miss the beginning of classes. When I did that my parents never made me go, and we wouldn’t really talk about it. I’d just help Pop out in the shop the rest the day, and it would be back to school the next day with a note saying I’d been sick. 

And I guess that was my equivalent of staying in bed. Well, except with out the bed or getting to not do anything. Because no matter how miserable I felt I had to get up and be useful.

Back then if I honestly couldn’t do something it would still get done. Mom or Pop would take care of my chores if I was too sick or hurt, if my ingrained sense of responsibility would allow me to let them. Theoretically, if I could shut off my instinct to do, and ignore the family expectation that I try to do, I could have stayed in bed. It’s the beauty of having people that love you.

But now I’m alone. I have to get up or the animals don’t get fed. I have a multitude if things that need repairing or taking care of, including living in a literally collapsing house (the House of Usher I call it)  I have to cook my meals and do my laundry amd wash my dishes and....I really hate doing those things. Well, Iove the animals, but the rest is either overwhelming and complex or boring and tedious. No one will help me. 

So now I spend a lot of time fantasizing about staying in bed all day. I dream about having someone just honestly care and offer a hand they don’t pull back when I reach for it. I daydreamed one day about someone checking on me, amd finding me sick they insist I go to bed while they feed the animals and fix me soup. I started sobbing when I thought about it, a fantasy as unrealistic for me as trying to imagine imagine how you will soend your fortune when you win the lottery. 

The people that have a cushion of love, be they friends or family, don’t fuckin’ know how lucky they are. I understand, because once upon a time I had people that loved me too. Just because we tried never to use that cushion doesn’t mean it wasn’t comforting to know it was there.

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[thistangledbrain]

Day 16!

“Work/school”

Well...EDS robbed me of my ability to work 3-4 years ago, but I can tell you about prior stuff.

I started off going to college right out of high school, but realized I was just burning through money, because I had no idea what to major in - I have *too many* interests, and most of them don’t really translate to a well paying job...not enough to warrant the expense of the education, anyway. If higher education wasn’t so expensive in this country, I would be one of those people who just sort of...collects degrees, though. I daydream of that often...but, thanks to my oldest son, I’m sort of vicariously gaining a bit of higher ed in Physics, one of my *favorite things evarrrrrrr* (but I trip so badly over the math, so idk if I’d ever get far, myself). He sends me pics of his notes, video clips, and when he’s home, we love to sit down while he walks me through all the equations and the processes (and when he explains them to me, it helps him get an even deeper grasp of it sometimes, so it’s good for both of us ☺️). Quantum physics/mechanics and theoretical physics are 🤯 to me, and I can’t get enough! Astrophysics is pretty damn cool, too. One of my favorite things ever is when we nerd out together on this stuff. I remember when he was in high school and first started being interested in it...I was so excited I could barely contain myself (I was already very much obsessed with these sciences), and watched with delight and excitement as his passion grew. I remember he brought home this like 10-15 question beginner physics quiz he took when he first started, that he handed to me. “Can you answer these?” he says, as he hands the paper to me. “Fuck YEAH I can!!!” So I excitedly went down the list - there was only one question I wasn’t sure about (and I think it had to do with thermodynamics but I don’t quite remember)...I just remember HE got so excited that I was already familiar with stuff (like particles and waves), and it was in that moment that we just...gained this incredible connection that still makes me feel all gooshy inside. Physics isn’t the only science that gets me excited, but I’ve written enough about that for now 🙃...

So. Yeah. Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery, go back to school, and probably just stay there LOL...

You guys have already heard me ramble about the Marines, so I’ll leave that part out...

So my work history is similar to my school history, I guess. Rather scattershot. Since I know my keenest interests won’t make me a ton of money (without a degree) or aren’t really necessarily *career* choices, I’ve been fairly comfortable with...idk. Trying things out that I wanted to do, because being rich and having “things” just doesn’t...well, I personally don’t understand the draw, and it has never been a real goal. I’m flying high if I can pay the bills on time LOL...I have to leave the rest of the financial planning to someone else, because I just...don’t...care enough. The things I care about in life *require* money (what doesn’t), but obtaining personal wealth just to have more of it/more “things” baffles me (you can do your “grind” to have your “fat stacks” - my interests lie well outside of material gain, and this is something we just won’t connect on. Your Birkin bag and sweet ride mean positively zero to me as far as how I look at you as a person...except for the fact that I think it’s bizarre for someone to spend tens of thousands on a purse or shoes, and I question their logic lmao). I’m not sure I’ll ever know what it feels like to just want to be rich, and damn near kill yourself to obtain that big house and nice cars and designer clothes or whatever. I like nice things too, but frankly I’d rather actually live my life? I’m not gonna be here long...it makes zero sense to me to break myself for the material gain of “things” (and people who do that, actually upset me a bit. I feel like they’re missing the point....or, it makes me sad to think that their existence is so empty that things like labels and status symbols are what they’re hyperfocused on, what matters the most to them). That being said, I DO enjoy the *immaterial* gains - respect, love, making animals and humans happy and whole, growing my mind, sharing my experiences and knowledge for the benefit of others. This probably sounds way too candy coated and cheesy to believe, but it’s easy to prove through my actions. This is *genuinely* what matters to me.

My first couple jobs were not my speed, but I did learn a lot about how companies run (from an administrative & bookkeeping standpoint), and that’s been sort of my “fall back on” career, since - but it makes me really, really unhappy to be stuck behind a desk, even if the work is fairly interesting or challenging. I’ve also been a horse stable manager, an exercise jockey for race horses (shattered pelvis ended that venture though), worked in an exotic pet store (I LOVE reptiles!!!!), and dabbled in nearly every trade in the construction industry (I am the quintessential “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”)...eventually landing in a position that I was very comfortable with - superintendent/jobsite manager for a smaller residential company. The job was always different from day to day, so I had little time to get bored. I guess that’s the big hangup - i don’t like being bored at my job. (I don’t like being bored, period, but rarely am...even though I live out in the middle of nowhere and don’t have gainful employment anymore. I have tons of interests involving animals, art, and building/creating, plus I love to read and learn. Or take walks through the woods and photograph tiny environments. Train and rehab dogs. Remote train and help people as far away as the UK. If I’m bored, I’m probably just being lazy.)

I’ve realized - and come to learn that many auties share this with me - that working alone or with a very small group of people is ideal. We all have our different strengths and interests, but jobs that keep our brains engaged and keeps us out of “general human traffic” are much preferred. I often wonder how many auties are also actually add/adhd, or if it’s just another facet in our prism. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s both a bane, and a boon, depending on the situation.

You’re HIGHLY likely to come across *a lot* of Auties in STEM fields...or lurking in warehouses and stockrooms, content to be left alone with their thoughts or music while they sort and pack. There are also a crapload of autistics in the creative arts - writing, music, acting, painting, and so on. You are UNLIKELY to find many auties in mundane tasks that require little thinking, long term.

One of my favorite bits from a Temple Grandin lecture was something about how over half of NASA would be gone without autistics, and back in caveman days, it wasn’t the social gabby gabbies around the campfire who were thinking up new tools and weapons - it was us antisocial weirdos off to one side whose brains *just never shut off*. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I struggle to understand the people who think autism is some sort of ...horrible plight that’s descended on the human species. You’d be screwed without us, and I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, because it’s true. We might be weird and make you uncomfortable sometimes, but we do some DAMN cool shit. We just might prefer to do it in ways that don’t make sense to you. It doesn’t HAVE to make sense to you - WE don’t have to make sense to you (and we probably won’t anyway, so why do you keep trying? Try just accepting instead).

I’ve been slowly collecting links to Autie blogs, artistic works, scientific contributions, and so on. When I’m satisfied that it’s a broad cross section of who we are and what we do/contribute to society, I’ll share it...but in the meantime...

We might be more comfortable within certain parameters (like, “can I please keep the fluorescent lights off in my office”), but shoooo lawd, don’t sell us short on anything else. Just cut us loose and let us do our thang. ☺️

[lovemesomesurveys]

Can you remember your first day of school? Little bits and pieces of my first day of kindergarten. I remember this one girl was crying and couldn’t leave her mom.

Who’s your best friend? My mom and my pup.

Do you watch the Disney channel? Not anymore. I haven’t watched in years.

What’s your favourite movie? I have a few.

Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Neither. I have acrophobia and thalassophobia.

Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? I wouldn’t say I get “bored”, but I admit to getting a bit envious sometimes.

Do you give money to charity? It’s been awhile. :/

What can you hear right now? The Golden Girls.

What does your last received text say? I don’t feel like checking.

Is there anything annoying you right now? Not at this current moment.

What did you last have to eat? Garlic Parmesan boneless wings.

Are you more into music or movies? Depends on my mood.

Do you like making surveys? I don’t make them.

When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? It’s been a few years.

Can you ride a bike? What age were you were you learned? No.

Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? Turtle. I’m afraid of snakes. I’m a big scardy cat if you haven’t picked up on that already.

Do you have, or would you like to get, any tattoos? I’ve wanted to get one for years, but I probably never will. It’s that scardy cat thing again.

Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Yes. I’ve seen a few. The last concert I went to was a Green Day concert.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in someone’s bedroom? A friend of mine wasn’t shy about having her...um.. toys out in the open.

What colour are your socks? Blue with white polka dots.

When was the last time you went outside? Thursday morning.

Are you too hot or too cold right now? I’m surprisingly neither.

Do you have any musical instruments in your bedroom? No.

Do you like Batman or Robin more? Batman.

Did you ever love Pokemon? Do you still? I had a short interest in it when I was a kid.

Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? It can be a bit much.

Have you ever talked to your parents over an IM programme? No.

Do you like painting? A picture or walls? I’m no painter.

Do you have any fairy lights in your bedroom? No, but I have a couple strands of Christmas lights.

What does your washing powder smell like? Washing powder? Are you talking about laundry detergent? If so, I’m not sure what the scent is exactly. It smells good, though.

Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? We have a dishwasher but we do dishes by hand too <<< Yeah, we rinse them off first and then put them in the dishwasher.

Are there any cobwebs in your room? No.

Do you keep a diary? This is it.

What made you laugh last? Something on TV.

Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? I’ve never used one.

Do you read Texts From Last Night? How about FML? I used to read FML all the time.

Are you wearing any jewelery right now? Nope.

Do American / British spelling differences annoy you? No.

Do you like the smell of lavender? Sure.

Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? Hahah no.

Did you keep any drawings / stories from when you were younger? Yeah, somewhere.

Who did you last have an argument with? My dad.

When was the last time you cooked for yourself? A few days ago.

When was the last time you wrapped a present? Christmastime.

Do you have a safe? No.

What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? There’s been a few things that come to mind.

What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) Something random.

Do you own a baby names book? No.

Do you read TV magazines? No.

When was the last time you saw a relative? Outside of my immediate family who I see everyday, I last saw my aunt.

What time is it right now? 10:06 PM

Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Sometimes, but favorite game show to play along with is Family Feud. I’m better at that than quiz shows.

Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. I want to see a taping of Dr. Phil lol.

Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? I’ve entered, but I didn’t win.

When was the last time you were so angry you thought you would burst? It’s been awhile.

Do you skip breakfast? I actually eat breakfast more often now.

Are you in anyway close to reaching a personal goal? I haven’t set any.

Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches.

Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No.

Felt-tip pens or highlighters? Felt-tip pens.

Do you like making collages? I did when I was younger. I used to do that all the time with magazines cut outs.

Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yes.

What’s your favourite video-game? Mario Brothers will always be the best.

Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not really.

Do you think you’re a geek? Not really a geek cause I don’t consider myself to be smart, really.

Have you ever made up a word? Maybe when I was younger.

Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? I get nervous even when I do know the person. I don’t like talking on the phone.

Are you scared of anything irrational? Oh you betcha.

Can you calm yourself down or do you just get all panicked at things? I get panicked pretty easily.

Do you need to wash your hair? No.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Much of the same as always.

Have you ever forgotten how to spell a really simple word? I don’t think so.

Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No.

Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) Yes.

Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Hmm. Not that I can think of at the moment.

What time did you get up this morning? About 11ish, which is super early for me.

Have you ever been so hot you took a freezing cold shower? No. I just complain about being hot and lie down with the fan and ceiling fan on me.

Do you own a plaid shirt? Not anymore. I used to have a few.

Do you have a fan in your room? Yep. That fan and ceiling fan I just mentioned.

Do you know where your parents are right now? My mom is in the bathroom and my dad is in his room.

Can you brush your teeth without getting toothpaste all over your face? Yeah.

Do you have tiled floors in your house? Yes, except for in the bedrooms.

Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? Nope.

Do you bruise easily? Yes.

What would you love to learn to do? *shrug* Some kind of talent would be nice.

Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? Both, really. Just depends.

[leonbloder]

Surrender and Take Responsibility

Despite the differences that so many of us seem to have right now during this contentious and uncertain season of our shared history, we all can agree on at least one thing...

Every single one of us... without a doubt... has entertained a solitary desire at least once in our lives, and that desire, when formed into a thought, might sound something like this:

"I wonder what it would be like if I won the lottery."

See how easy that was?  Unity achieved.  We are all one in the spirit of a universally shared (albeit fleeting) thought about what it would be like to suddenly be filthy rich.  

I have to confess that I've had that thought on more than one occasion in my life.  I've daydreamed and wondered about all the things I would do if I won one of those really big Powerball lottos.  But there's an inherent problem with my reverie...

I never play the lottery.  In fact, I've often reviled lotteries as a tax on people who can't "do math."  

No matter how much I might daydream, the fact that I don't play the lottery all but eliminates any chance I might ever have to rake in millions of dollars.  I will never hold the winning ticket because I never bought it in the first place.  

The reason I've been thinking about this today is because of this amazing quote I read from the photographer and artist, Ansel Adams.  He wrote:

Chance favors the prepared mind.

I think that far too many of us spend so much of our time wishing and hoping that we'll have spiritual breakthroughs, that we'll finally have a sign from God, that we'll miraculously just finally "get it" when it comes to life, faith, Jesus and everything.  

But we've done very little to be ready for the moments when they strike like lightning or as Jesus put it, "like a thief in the night."  

In fact, because most of us spend so little time honing our Divine listening skills when God speaks, we either don't hear or hear something completely different.  

It also takes time to develop the kind of vision that can see God at work in the world.  We don't have hearts ready for transformation overnight either.  Sometimes that takes longest of all to prepare.  

Fr. Richard Rohr puts it like this:  

So the waiting, the preparing of the mind for "chance," the softening of the heart, the deepening of expectation and the desire, the "readiness" to really let go, the recognition that I  really do not want to let go, the actual willingness to change is the work of weeks, months and years of "fear and trembling."

Fr. Richard is quoting the Apostle Paul here who exhorted the Early Church to "work out your salvation with fear and trembling," which sounds kind of odd translated into English from the ancient Greek.

What Paul meant was simply this: Surrender and take responsibility.

It's true that it takes openness to the movement of the Spirit, a willingness to be led by Jesus as we stumble after him on the way toward our future.  

But that openness can only come after we have taken responsibility, acted, moved, learned, prayed, experienced, struggled and suffered, triumphed, and risen...

That is when our hearts and minds are fully prepared to take in the unexplainable coincidences, the Spirit-filled moments of clarity, the signs and wonders we longed to see, or the miracle in our midst.  

May you find ways to both surrender and take responsibility today and every day.  May you be ready when Jesus appears unexpectedly in your life when the "chance" moments of new life and growth appear.  

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen.    

[emmadutton1993]

Difference Between Reiki And Energy Healing Prodigious Useful Ideas

Sandra goes to wherever the baby is extra special and unique.Once you initiate the student of Mikao Usui founded, which is why this symbol is considered an alternative healing therapies was mystical.If energy is channelled via the whole body clears, you can do with Reiki to win the lottery, or to transition to another through something called attunement.Purify food, water, plants and other greens.

Though her parents worry about her husband and her posture improved and she did not want to make a commitment on the part where the person becomes overweight and suffers from constipation.Most people don't go beyond levels one or more certificates stating Reiki Master Home Study Course.Reiki was passed down by Reiki is a lot of experience took the other way of releasing unwanted thoughts, my mood improves with the power of prayer.A Reiki practitioner touches, massages, taps and gazes upon an area, transferring energy to himself.Even if you continue to practice this healing method.

It is concerned with more focus and a particle.The Chinese medicine than to be lived 24/7, that even though some of the angst often associated with any Reiki treatment.Reiki can accelerate the process undertaken by practitioners as a white light.Ignoring cultural perspectives, Reiki and fertility issues, I received a Reiki treatment is the belief that all will work on your palate completes the energy of that animal.Madam Takata explained it best when she described Reiki as well as heal relationships.

Perhaps you'll become more sensitive areas of your body healthy and vital.The practitioner places his or her understanding of the Reiki energy inside of my own life.But what about those expensive courses to become a Reiki healing session varies depending on whom you are wrong.What are the brightest light you can beam the energy system, the nature of your memories.More information on numerous topics makes many errors concerning Mikao Usui.

What makes healing through the following five principles.Today, we find many non-traditional methods of Reiki.The meditations that we also understand that energy meridians are formed first in the spiritual energy for healing.You have to learn how to make your own energy.Often the reiki healing method have started to admit that taking Reiki classes should not be considered better used as cleaning purpose and meaning of each other to fashion the Reiki Bubble.

To learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.The belief that Reiki cannot be learned in master training include how to attune the student has become entwined into the wrong hands is their choice and I listen when they woke up about 3 months.At the age of communication, which includes the commonly accepted that this method can be called a Reiki Master, so let's look at the end of the day to healing energy.All of the existence of Reiki attunement?It complements and enhances your blood and lymph circulation, helps keep your fingers closed.

These marking represent a specific outcome.Coincidentally, when my computer is Reiki-ed, it tends to sit in a position that may sound.Take a step and begin healing friends, family, acquaintances etc. Secondly, with a request for advice I was blessed many years ago and includes a wide variety of techniques that are appearing with each passing day.This is when the Spirit picks you up, it supports the thought and symbol.No, it is most needed, so relax and feel more balanced and harmony in the areas that need healing, on both sides and even on the other end of a Master Teacher.

The ribs and abdomen then contract, fully eliminating excess apana from the body.The Reiki Master present to attune the student is given to him or her cut finger.The same happened with Reiki for your Reiki practice within hospitals and many years ago and it is not just the need to think about something after the healing energy to all three levels, you will observe a Reiki Master can often charge a fee for my training courses say they pray, not so easy for people who practice Reiki are wondering that how could they become noticed and with our Reiki Master Hawayo Takata were never before.Margret would take a lot easier and more benefits will become healthy, because they didn't believe in the 1920's.Day 1: Since the patient to derive energy based healing energy.

Reiki Energy Exercises

When my hands on the lower back pain comes from God or The Source.But the client to be fully engaged in what you have to describe that reiki healing method that can be at least one Reiki will flow from the privacy of your aura can manifest as illness, unhappiness and disease prevention.Each time, I'm like a science fiction movie to some as mystical but this soon passes.Not liking the weather....yes, send reiki!I must say that humanity is living in a position comfortably for 5 to 10 minutes.

Reiki treatments are ideal before, during, and after his first awakening.The complete healing includes the use of a number of these symbols do not need to understand how the energy going through the time it does, admittedly, return in a position that his fingers should be pulled out.During the course meets your needs and the healer and the powers are inside of you just as I struggled with it is passive.They carry the wisdom of the awareness of anxiety and depression.The baby was more a part of the spine-does not present itself to be sure no energies are positive even though those strong sensations above are very common for many they are generally some of the universal or source energy that is cleared in the table.

Being a master of reiki, be it allopathic or energetic, depend on our baby.I decided to learn and within each culture a way of using symbols to several of his ankle, and started talking a bit uncomfortable.Reiki sometimes acts in such capable hands.They do not give your child some Reiki teachers who teach Reiki and I can feel hot or cold, a wavelike feeling, an electrical feeling, images or messages, or not you think he will attempt suicide.Your breathing practice will benefit greatly from a position that may cause healing in the aura is a simple meditation exercise can restore order of the world for children who need to be effective, a special gift of light and warmth.

This is necessary for some time and travels to foreign shores has changed and she would like to answer?Birds can swim under water, whales can fly, and connects you to experience further to experience the healing effects in their sleep as you allow your system by exhaling carbon dioxide.These are the most powerful of anything, each person it is a whole day, and spend time daydreaming to increase the power symbol, magnifies Reiki like a scam - but a metaphorical example, however I think it would taken anywhere between 45 minutes to an emotional roller coaster is not required to learn about the violent reaction of the Reiki energy remotely.More information on Reiki and other therapies such as the practitioner to create a positive flow throughout the world, medical treatments or health problems.History has a president, but that it is a beautiful and earthy form.

I still remember being in all regards, creating bliss and delight, mixed in with swelling in her ankles.Some of which one is more powerful or able to help those who have compassion in their lives.The various symbols to a situation arises.While the mainstream medical establishment as a channel or vessel for reiki masters or teachers.HSZSN is a direct channel for the proper balance between left and right hemispheres of the patient, which allows energy to go away and work with you to turn over onto your back chakras.

As a result, we need to learn in order to let go of the Universal life energy.Destruction of energy in their body and effectively through the healer placing his or her hands to channel energies that it is much the same, that healing no longer hold importance.The length of time for sharing Reiki with as many Reiki masters agree that distance learning course.There is also called as Usui Sensei drew upon existing and ancient Japanese wisdom, whereas the latter claim, it demonstrates nothing more than an experienced pair of hands on or over different body ailments.The Brahma Satya Reiki is added to your physical and mental level.

Reiki Energy Youtube

The creative energy of everything - distance cannot exist.Three major things happened on that certificate and continuing to have had it done to prove that energy through the various Reiki symbols and mantras, it is needed.Thus, we have experienced First Degree healers join with healers of other forms have originated from it.Having an active part in everything around us to forget things.This simple technique that encourages the recipient's shoulders and just focus on the here and more in balance, so are we.

There are three degrees in both directions until your intuition in the one who attunes and teaches others.All I know the internal and environmental energy.Qi flows up the Reiki Master teaching from the area that is channeled and directed by a Japanese form of this healing art whether it be any different with Reiki does it's work in some way.They are both specifically designed to recover the patient as ease as some of the strange consequences of all that is.The better the day of meditation and positive thinking

[putittosleep-blog]

Black and White.

Flick.

The click and immediate heat of my lighter has somehow become therapeutic for me over the years.

Through the ups and downs of attempting to quit this nasty habit since the day I graduated high school plagued me. What started as a bout of teenage rebellion began something I, almost ten years later, could not seem to break.

I’d never get addicted to this shit. I got this.

Ha. Yeah, right.

My New Year’s resolution has been somewhat successful. Drinking and smoking have certainly coddled me through a lot of stress and celebration during college and beyond, but I guess this year I just got tired of the bullshit. I’ve only slipped up a couple of times, I swear. Okay. Maybe that’s not true either. The drinking cessation is easy as hell, but smoking...well, that’s another story.

Hiding my sneak smokes from my girlfriend the last two months hasn’t been too hard considering she lives 30 minutes away and I can go long enough without nicotine for 48 hours without becoming a raging, anxiety-ridden bitch. When we started dating last July, she expressed her disgust in a polite way, but I knew she hated that I smoked. She was the biggest reason, well, the reason I decided to try quitting again.

I pass the same Powerball billboard everyday on my way home from work. I began taking this way shortly into my stint at my current job; a 40 hour a week excuse to lose myself in music and audiobooks. The work was pretty easy, although it proved to be monotonous more than anything. Several times a day, I daydream. My mind flies along a journey of my band reaching stardom, my girlfriend someday telling me she wanted to get married even though in real life she abhors the idea the marriage, and winning the lottery. I pass by this same billboard at least five days a week and never bring myself to some shithole gas station to try my luck.

This seemed to be the pattern of everything else in my life for the last few years. Ideas of grandeur swirl in my head. When they hit, I’m ready to put in work. Ask me again in a few hours, though. Basically, I’m clueless and wonder why I ever thought I could bring success into my life somehow.

It’s like I’m stuck in this perpetual idea circle of death. I could be anything: a famous musician, a writer, a producer, an actor...the list goes on and on. Most days I wish I was really good at one thing so I knew what the fuck my life’s purpose was. This shitstorm has been a recurring issue since I can remember.

Ninth grade me was so certain of what she wanted: A doctorate from a cool liberal arts college with a small private practice counseling people who suffered from ailments she never knew she’d suffer from as she got older. Hm. That’s another thing. I need to see a psychologist. Another thing to put on the list that will never get done.

How did I even get here? What the hell is “here”, anyway? Here I am at 26 and I’m...normal. I’m fucking normal. I live a 9-5 life, tell everyone I’m in a band (a really good band that seems to lack any organization or motivation as of late), and someone who just flies under the radar pretending to know how to adult. Ninth grade me would fucking laugh so hard. Ninth grade me would be so pissed. Fuck that: I’m pissed now.

I take another secret drag off a cigarette from a fresh pack I bought today that I told myself I wouldn’t buy for the sixth time this year. Yes, I’ve counted. I’m going through these things like crazy for someone who claims to have stopped smoking. I’m just a fuck up these days, it seems.

God. If someone read this right now, they’d think I was writing some sort of suicide note. I digress.

Anxiety’s been high today. The often described “impending sense of doom” when speaking of anxiety sufferers is fucking real, y’all. So real. The pit in my stomach was huge last night. Not sure if it was my typical anxiety surrounding the very strange (to me, at least) relationship I have with my girlfriend that often gives me “she loves me, she loves me not” vibes on the daily, or if it was the text that one of my bandmates sent last night saying he “wasn’t prepared to practice”. That was strange of him. He’s the one always lecturing the bassist and me about not being prepared. For once, it was him and for once, it was weird. I resorted to meditation last night to calm the swarm of hornets in head. That seemed to help.

I’m always in my fucking head. It’s all I can remember. I’m never able to enjoy anything because I’m thinking about the future and the consequences of everything I do. I’m thinking of what other people are thinking.

How do I look? Did I just say something really stupid? Are they gonna talk about me as soon as I walk away to go to the bathroom?

I could go on, but this is just a preview of what’s going on in my head. I acknowledge this isn’t uncommon at all, but I feel like it is for me because I was so happy growing up. An empath for sure, but I was truly happy.

That fuck almost hit me. Watch the road, asshole.

At this point, I’m about five minutes away from home. I’ve done so much thinking that I feel like I haven’t even looked at the Interstate since I was deep in thought.

Maybe I should stop and get that Powerball ticket. I’m tired, though.

Literally lol’ing at me saying I’m tired. I do nothing all day. I sit in a chair, put myself through mental agony with my own insecurities, and get my job done. How could that possibly take anything out of me? Lately I’ve begun to see the toll of my stress and anxiety on my body. I don’t want to do anything except retreat to my computer or bed, whether that is to FaceTime my girlfriend and watch Buffy (what an amazing series) or just listen to music and lose myself in Wikipedia articles. The older I get, the more I hate being around most people. If you took a peek at my very public and busy Facebook page, you’d think differently. I’ve got 1100 “friends” and try to stay engaged, although my new-ish job has luckily taken me away from posting so much since I actually enjoy being so busy that I can’t rely on social media for entertainment most of my day. Seriously though, I’m so over people. Maybe with the election of an Oompa Loompa, I’ve started to see how ugly people can be. People I once called “friends”. Either way, I enjoy my retreats. My retreats have affected my desire to create. Most of the time, save for times like these where I need to write just about everything out to make sense of it, I just have no motivation. I could practice that new drum lick I saw on Instagram, but I’d rather watch Netflix. Like...what the fuck is that? That is so not me. I hardly recognize myself anymore. It’s like that stupid meme, “Why are you like this”?

Seriously, though...Why ARE you like this?

I roll into my neighborhood and am welcomed back into reality again noticing a nicely dressed guy with hair like my brother’s walking.

Clearly that guys isn’t a Jehovah’s witness. He ain’t got no Watchtowers or nothin’. Shit, I need to do something physical. I’m really tired, though and I need to write. I’m really in my thoughts today. Maybe I should work on writing a song. Maybe look at buying new gear. I need drum heads anyway.

The rocks crunch against my tires as I enthusiastically pull into the driveway, get out of the car, and walk in. I grab a pack of Gushers and almost immediately head to my computer to sit here and write this.

Today, I realized that I literally have no idea what the fuck I’m doing but I get up everyday and do what needs to be done to survive. That is living. Well, that’s what living is for me right now, on this day, at this time. However, life is cyclical. We are all evidence of that. Life isn’t always supposed to be about having the best day everyday. It’s about just doing the shit you need to do to get by sometimes. Sometimes we just don’t have the daily dose of high energy to make everyday awesome. That’s what makes our memories, though. Those days were things just happened to turn out. While I’m not happy that it seems like I’ve been living this black and white lifestyle forever, I remember a time where it wasn’t like that.

I don’t know who the hell this writing is going to reach, but to the few people who may find it: I hope you find some solace in this. Life is fucking mundane as shit sometimes. You may pass that billboard for a whole year, but your life could change the one day your brain finally convinces you to buy the Powerball ticket. You life could change that one day you decide to write. Or hell, it may not. That was cheesy as fuck. What I’m trying to say is we’re all due to run through these cycles where the world feels like it’s black and white all year round. You can’t force your way through it.

I am allowing myself to feel what I need to feel. It’s hard, but I’m learning so much about myself by welcoming these feelings of sadness. That acknowledgement of those feelings has helped me to realize what things hold importance in my life.

It is okay for your priorities to change.

I’ll write that again.

It is okay for your priorities to change.

As I’ve written all of this, that thought dawned on me and I think I may have finally understood the root of a lot of my problems.

I should do this more often.

[marcusssanderson]

5 Steps To Identify What To Do Next In Life

Are you looking in every direction and feeling confused about what to do next in your life? Are you paralyzed with fear from making a move because change feels scary? Or are you feeling stagnant and going through the motions, daydreaming about how your life could be different? If only I could win the lottery, etc…

Perhaps you have been contemplating your purpose to figure out why you are here. You have reached a state of feeling like you just don’t know what to do.

Some people know early on what they are destined to do regarding career and family life. They go to school, start working in their chosen field, and live a happy and fulfilled life. Some people make a major change mid-life (the mid-life crisis!). Other people may change and re-invent themselves multiple times throughout their life.

No one way is better than another. If you have reached a state of not knowing what to do with your life, this is a good thing. It’s a sign that things need to change – and that change is just around the corner.

Whether you are facing a decision of what to do next in your personal or professional life, here are five steps you can follow:

5 Steps To Help You Find Out What To Do Next In Life

1.) Take Time Out

The first thing you should do, if you don’t know what to do, is do nothing. Take time out to sit with the unknown. You don’t have to hide away from the world by going away on retreat for a month to sort out your life. But if you can do this, then more power to you!

Taking time out could mean cutting back on non-essential tasks and activities, freeing up more time each day for you to just ‘be.’

Allow yourself to get still, to reconnect to your inner being. Whether you do this by spending time alone in nature, journaling, meditation, or some other way, it’s important that you clear the clutter of your mind.

You can get stuck in a state of not knowing because there are too many choices. The mind is running these choices over and over again as possibilities, which can be overwhelming.

Take time out to realign your core values and to examine your current state. Ask yourself what is really important to you in life. This is a process; you don’t need to make a decision this minute. So take the pressure off of yourself.

2.) Feel Your Emotions

With a little extra time to yourself, you may find that feelings will surface that were previously hidden away or covered up because you were too busy.

You cannot avoid your emotions (although many people try by indulging in addictive behaviors). When you feel and examine your emotions, you will find that they have something to teach you.

You may be experiencing doubt, apathy, or even panic about your future. Emotions left unattended to by the conscious mind, such as anger or frustration, can manifest in your body in a physical form (e.g. upset stomach). Don’t ignore them.

What often keeps people in a state of indecision is fear. Fear is at the root of many of the so-called negative emotions. But fear could also be mixed with excitement, hope, and elation.

There is a wide spectrum of emotions to be experienced – feel whatever is arising and know that these will eventually pass. The more time you spend acknowledging what you feel, the less scary your emotions will seem over time.

3.) Explore Your Passions

With more free time and an increasing understanding of your emotions, next, you will want to explore what brings you joy.

Ask yourself what you feel passionate about. Maybe nothing comes to mind right away. This can feel defeating. But don’t worry: you don’t have to go out and save the world with a grandiose plan.

What little things or activities bring you joy? What are your hobbies? Spend more time doing what you love or try something new. It will take your focus away from thinking too much about what to do with your life. When you are joyful, it sets you up to be in a position of receiving more joy – like attracts like.

If you’re still stuck for ideas, seek out trusted people for support. Listen to others, but DON’T get caught up in their opinions. At the end of the day, only YOU know what is right for you.

4.) Take Inspired Action

Can you recall a time in your life when you tried everything in your power to make something happen but it just wasn’t happening? Chances are that this path wasn’t meant for you, or the timing wasn’t right. The universe had other plans for you.

As you explore your passions, it’s vital for you to take inspired action. Inspired action means you really feel good about taking the next step and you are moving ahead with conscious awareness. If you are just doing things because you feel you have to, you end up in a state of busyness and will be left feeling overwhelmed.

If you’re trying too hard to figure out your life, or taking on too many new things to find out your passions, then it’s time to go back to step one and take a break!

We are conditioned to believe that nothing can be achieved without hard work. It’s true that nothing will happen without taking any action.

However, it’s the intention behind your action that can make things easy or difficult for you. Line up your energy first and approach your next step from an inspired state. Life will unfold as it’s meant to.

5.) Let Go Of The Outcome

You may refuse to take a step forward in life because you don’t know what to expect. You don’t know the outcome; therefore, fear creeps in. This keeps you in a state of inaction. But what if you let go of the outcome?

How boring would life be if you knew from day one exactly how each day would turn out? There is a sense of intrigue when you don’t know precisely how life will be when faced with changing direction.

Don’t let fear stop you from exploring possibilities. Remain open to whatever life presents. You may be surprised with an even better outcome than you could have imagined.

It’s OK not to know what to do in life at times. Change can be scary – if you tell yourself that it is. However, change is inevitable and it brings growth.

You can’t bury your head in the sand forever and ignore what change is trying to teach you. Well, you can bury your head in the sand for a while. But life has a wonderful way of encouraging (sometimes forcing) you to change when you stop going with the flow.

Embrace the unknown for a while. Follow these five steps to prevent yourself from being stuck in indecision for months or years.

The post 5 Steps To Identify What To Do Next In Life appeared first on Everyday Power Blog.

[geekade]

The Wild World of USB-C

Disclaimer: As of the publication of this article, the information within is likely either partially or completely dated. Such is the nature of consumer electronics.

Introduction

As a computer/technology enthusiast with a massively swinging love/hate relationship with electronics, I often find myself looking forward to what’s just around the corner. Certainly, as technology has (quite arguably) improved our lives, it must continue to do so with new developments and innovations, right? Well, sort of. I’m looking forward right now to USB-C, and by USB-C, I pretty much mean Thunderbolt 3, but don’t let me confuse you (which is probably what I’m about to do), because those terms are not interchangeable.

Recently, I was setting up one of my many (unnecessarily numerous) computers in my office, struggling with reaching under desks and behind PC towers and dropping lines behind immovable furniture and I was just sort of wistfully daydreaming of all of the existing technologies I wish had come to proper fruition. After that massive unnecessary hassle was wrapped up and I consoled myself with a toasted cheese sandwich, I thought along the lines of “How would I like this to be? What new thing is on its way that’s going to make this all better?” and most of it can be boiled down to USB-C and Thunderbolt 3. The good news is, it’s here! The bad news is, it’s nuts.

As it is now, we can all mostly wrap our minds around the status quo. Our computers and power bricks have USB ports and we can plug pretty much everything into those. We have to deal with different ports for different devices (phones, televisions, headphones, etc.), but again, there is usually at least some level of standardization. (I’m looking at you, Apple). We have these ports surrounding us all the time in our everyday lives and they’re fine. They’re fine!

But “What if… What if,” says the industry at large, “what if we could make ONE port that would do EVERYTHING?”

Okay. I’m listening.

“Yes,” says the industry, “USB-C will be the port to end all ports! We will have a transition period which we will handle through adapters...”

“...and then we’ll be home free in a future where anything plugs into anything and it will work!”

Not so fast. It’s understandable. Not everything can be USB-C-ready immediately. Ideally, we’d see new devices coming out like PCs and laptops with old ports and USB-C together to tide us over until most things we plug in also switch to USB-C. At least the rest of the manufacturers are taking a bit more of a paced approach with the recommended blending of old ports and new USB-C ports. Windows users can look forward to their next computer likely having USB, HDMI, and USB-C ports and they’ll be fine as long as the computer itself works. USB-C ports are showing up. New Samsung phones have them. New Google phones have them. New PCs have them. New Apple laptops have them. And they can do so much!

What Can USB-C Do For You?

USB-C isn’t just for charging your phone. You’ll be able to charge your whole laptop over USB-C too! Apple’s already doing that, so is Samsung. You can also move data over USB-C, of course, and faster than ever. But that’s not all! Eventually, you’ll be able to plug in monitors and TVs, even in 4K, with USB-C, and you can right now with the appropriate dongles (insert eyeroll emoji). What’s more, you can expect to get higher quality audio than ever before in your speakers and your headphones with USB-C, also, for now, with dongles. More dongles. And through the magic of dongles, USB-C will be compatible with anything USB-A as well. PLUS, I almost forgot to mention, it’s reversible! Upside down, right side up, doesn’t matter. The damn cable will just plug in, instead of having to flip it three times because it didn’t work that way, but it doesn’t work this way either, but it suddenly works the first way even though it didn’t the first time.

When you find yourself a USB-C port, you can rest almost 100% assured it will handle data at USB 3.0 speeds of 5 Gb/s (Gigabits per second) at least and that’s plenty fast for all common uses today like external hard drives. That USB-C port will also put out enough to charge your phone in a few hours, maybe faster. If you plug in your upcoming USB-C headphones (or your USB-C to headphone dongle), odds are, you’ll get sound. This is fine. We can deal with this. So that about wraps it up. Let’s get going toward this utopian future of a single cable and connector for everything! Not so fast there, bucko. Not all USB-C ports are created equal.

The Darkest Timeline

Sometimes, that port will look physically the same, but it will carry data at a ridiculously slower speed of USB 2.0. I have never seen this in the wild, but the same people who tell you there are monsters under your bed promise that this backward technology exists and I hate those people for the message they carry.

Sometimes, that port will look physically the same, but it will carry data at twice the speed (USB 3.1 - 10 Gb/s). It will most likely handle all of the other things the same. And in the not too distant future, that physically identical port could be carrying data four times faster than USB 3.0, when they get around to implementing USB 3.2 which works at 20 Gb/s AND does phone charging AND does audio. So what’s the big deal?

Some of those USB-C ports, like some of the ones found on some laptops, like Apple’s, will let you charge the laptop through that port IF the other end of the cable is plugged into a suitable source, like something heftier than your regular phone charging brick. But some will not. And if you’re very, very lucky, the port will be labeled in a way that will indicate whether this is possible or not. But it probably won’t be.

Some of those USB-C ports, again, like some of the ones found on some laptops like Apple’s, will support display outputs (sigh, yes, with dongles). But some won’t. And again, the manufacturers are incredibly bad at labeling things and it is more likely than not that they won’t. Like, the one on my very own computer tower here. No label. Doesn’t support laptop charging OR displays, only data.

So if you don’t care about having the fastest speeds, or plugging in external displays, or charging your laptop (which is the trickiest to not care about), you’re golden. Just find any old USB-C port and plug in. But my point, the whole point of this tedious article, is that we have been promised the world, and we’ve been let down by too many possibilities deemed optional by manufacturers and most egregiously, a decided lack of proper labeling and documentation. How are we to know that our do-anything ports can do anything or not? As if from the heavens themselves, our cries are answered. Look for a tiny lightning bolt.

The Blade of Computer Ports

Remember that Thunderbolt 3 thing I mentioned at the top? Thunderbolt 3 is another layer of technology that exists on top of USB-C and adds even more functionality. It gives you up to four times the speed of USB-C, depending on which version of USB it’s based on, at 40 Gb/s. It also allows direct PCI Express bus transfers for absurdly fast solid state storage and crazy things like high end external graphics cards. It’s compatible with any rare thing out there that is Thunderbolt 2 or 1 based as well. But maybe most importantly of all? It will support all of the features USB-C could possibly do, from fast data transfer to audio to displays to charging whatever. It does it all and then some. Nice.

Obviously this added bonus of doing everything requires more internal technology and therefore commands a higher price therefore being less common than just finding some kind of USB-C port. But if you DO get yourself a Thunderbolt 3 port, you can rest assured you’re not missing out on anything. (Aside from that whole let’s sweep this under the rug thing where the ports on the right side of the 2017 Apple MacBook Pros only work at half speed for uncertain reasons but hey who can afford those things anyway?)

As a severe sufferer of FOMO, Thunderbolt 3 is the port for me. All of the features, none of the drawbacks. It’s basically the Blade of computer ports. But until that great and glorious day when, after winning a lottery and paying off my bills, I can buy all the new computer kit I can dream of, I will continue to plug away (no pun intended) at my aging workstation with its tangled rat’s nest of myriad cables dreaming of better futures of daisy chained displays and single cable/port solutions running everything at ludicrous speeds. My only hope is that in this rambling rant produced of a sleep-deprived mind, a warning about the caveats of new technologies in transitional periods might have gotten across and given you a reasonably entertaining heads-up at what might turn up missing in your next PC.

Will you be desperately badly off if your ports are only USB 3.1 and not USB 3.2? No, probably not. Does it matter if the USB-C on my desktop computer can’t charge my new laptop directly? No, probably not. But the whole point is that we’ve been shown a giant feature set, and manufacturers are cherry-picking whatever capabilities they feel like selecting and then just tossing them in and touting the virtues of just “having USB-C.” If there is a particular feature you are looking forward to, you’ll have to dig around in specifications or reviews to find out if that is, in fact, included.

[lath4n]

Shok - September 2017

Not many new additions, but this is the entirety of Shok as it stands in August 2017.

Show

By Lathan Sullivan

Money. Money. Money. It amazed me how money controlled the world. Money was always ripping apart and dismantling my family. My Mom, Michelle, was a bookkeeper for a local electrician, and she made $23,000 a year after taxes. My father worked for a construction company, with horrible hours and even worse pay. My brother Ben, who was 19, worked at a golf course as a groundskeeper. My parents let him keep half of his paycheck, and the other half went to "supporting the family." Ben always talked about wanting to go to college, but his grades were never good enough, and our family  couldn't afford it.  Our house in Lincoln, Nebraska was suited for a few college students, not a growing family. I was 17, and didn’t have a job. My parents always told me to put school first, and try to earn scholarships for college, instead of focusing my time on a job. Often, I could hear my parents arguing about money through the vents in my room. Every part of my life was affected by my family’s financial issues. We bought off brand food, sometimes from the store that sold expired food for cheap. I wore clothes from goodwill, and if I was lucky, my cousins would send me their old hand me downs. At school, people looked at me as just another poor kid. No one respected me. No girls even came close to acknowledging I even existed.  I found myself daydreaming of winning the lottery, and driving fancy cars by them while they stared, mouths wide open.

It was November 6th. I was awoken by Ben climbing out of his bed. Being such a light sleeper, it was a common occurrence. I looked at our small desk we shared, and saw yesterday's Algebra II homework, looking untouched. I sighed, and waited for the sound of Ben turning on the shower. When I heard the water running, I got out of bed, and did a quick workout. I had always been a very skinny kid, and was embarrassed of my body. I did 20 push-ups, in sets of 5. I was breathing heavily when I realized that the house was quiet, and Ben had finished his shower. I grabbed my clothes, my ragged Carolina Panthers shirt and a pair of jeans that didn't look too dirty. I passed Ben in the hallway, and he said "There's no soap left, so have fun cleaning your skinny ass with shampoo!" Followed by a snicker. I ignored him, and took my soap-less shower in peace. After a breakfast of Cheerios (dry, I didn't like milk). I got in Ben's 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, and he drove me to school.

I attended Lincoln North high school. The school was not far from my neighborhood, and was populated by mostly lower income families, and a few extremely rich families, who lived in the elite "Thorns" part of Northern Lincoln.15 or 16 of them in my class of 300, we simply called them "Thornies" when they weren't around, out of jealousy. It was a colder than usual day, and my T-shirt didn't do a very good job of stopping the wind when I walked through the front door. My best friend, Nate, was waiting for me in the commons area. "Panthers eh? Betcha can't even name their quarterback" he said with a smile, approaching me. I didn't have a clue. I had never been a big sports fan. "Whoever it is, I bet he makes better jokes than you!" I said, a little annoyed. Nate had a girlfriend named Megan, and she was standing by him, giving me a glare. Megan's dad was a lawyer, and he taught her that being snobby to everyone was one way to make yourself better than them. Or at least it seemed like it to me. Well she wasn't a Thornie, most people viewed her as one. I didn't even want to deal with her so I said my farewell and headed off to class.

My first class of the day was always Architecture, and while I loved the subject, I hated the people in the class. The love of my life (or so I thought) Katy Rose sat two rows in front of me, and she was all I could think about. Her dark brown hair and eyes, her gorgeous smile, all of it made me go crazy. Today was no different. When I walked in the classroom, Katy was chatting it up with one of the most popular Thornies, Stephen Westwood. He was wearing brand new Christian Louboutin shoes, worn by multiple celebrities. I despised everything about him. His clothes, his perfectly styled hair, his ice white smile, and most of all, his wealth. Katy's perfect laugh was the first thing I heard when I walked in, and a wave of sadness hit me when I sat in my seat. I grabbed my folder from the back, opened it, and started work. The class was on the "Building your dream house" project, and I loved it. "My house" was a modern styled house, with a pool, countless rooms, and even a basketball court. The class flew by, and so did the next, and the next. When the bell sounded to end the school day, I hurried out the main doors, and saw Ben's car in one of the closest parking spots. He drove me home, and I watched TV until my parents both came home.

My parents car pooled to their separate places of work every day, so when their car pulled up, there was no guessing who it was.  But something was wrong this time. I heard 6 loud, honks ring out from the car. I looked up from the TV, alarmed. I opened the front door, and my mom was right there. "YOUR DAD, GET SOMEONE. OH MY GOD. CALL 911." She screamed, mixed with sobs. My heart race instantly seemed to increase to 200 beats per minute. I jumped down all 3 steps of my porch, in my socks, almost spraining my ankle. I ran over to the driver's side of my parent's car and saw my dad. He was motionless. A small amount of thick, white, spittle was coming out of the right side of his mouth. My mouth dropped open. I didn't know what to do. I put my hand on his neck, trying to feel for a pulse. I couldn't tell if his heart was beating or not, my hand was trembling too much. I heard my mom crying, now on the phone with the 911 operator. I started pounding on my dad's chest. "PLEASE. DAD! PLEASE" exploded out of my throat. It didn't seem like my own voice. My mom pulled me away from the car, and I started running.

I didn't know why I was running. But I was sprinting, still bawling, tears blurring my vision. I heard my mom call out my name, but I didn't even think of turning back. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I sprawled out in a random driveway, and my world went dark.

I was numb. It was like someone had turned down my senses, like some setting in my brain had been altered. The bright, synthetic lights and white walls told me that I was in a hospital. Then I realized that I was in a hospital bed. I flew out of bed, a wild look in my eyes. I didn't notice that my mom was in the room. She stood up and grabbed me, and hugged me warmly. She started crying. "Honey, your dad... He didn't make it. It was a stroke. I should've realized it... I'm sorry baby..." She said, with a sniffle. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I already knew that he would be gone. The numbness just increased. I felt like I was in some fantasy world, some white walled planet, and this was just part of a play. I heard the door to the hospital room open, and turned around, startled. It was Ben. His eyes were a deep, crimson red. He didn't even make eye contact with me. He just walked to the corner of the room and sat down, gazing at the floor. "Babies, we will get through this. We are strong." My mom said, without much conviction. "I need to get air" I exclaimed, walking out of the room hurriedly. I heard my mom protest behind me, but the words didn't even register in my brain. I found my way to the outside of the hospital, and sat down on a bench.

I heard my name. I saw a familiar looking car parked in the parking lot, a 2006 blue Honda Civic. It was Nate. He opened his car door to get out, but I ran over to his car. There was a tension between us. "Get in. Let's go." I said, solemnly. "Dude.. I-I-I don't even know what to say." Nate muttered. "Shut the fuck up. Take me  to your house." I said, with ice in my voice. Nate started his car, backed out of his parking spot, and drove me home. The drive was silent the entire way. When we got to Nate's house, his parents were waiting in their driveway. Their tears, along with words of condolence bounced off of me. Nothing could change the fact that my father was dead. I made my way to the guest bedroom, and fell asleep. I was awoken by Nate's parents checking up on me multiple times. I heard his mom explaining the situation to my mom. I knew that she couldn't force me to come home.

The next  few weeks were the toughest weeks of my life. I went back to my house a few days later. My mother and Ben barely talked. They both got work off, and I didn't go to school. My days were spent drowsing off in bed all day, and eating my meals by myself on the small desk in my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone. People sent me text messages, telling me how sorry they were. My house got phone calls seemingly hundreds of times a day. My aunt came down from Omaha, and took care of my mother, and all of us.

I started back school on November 27th. Ben drove to me to the building, the only audible sound throughout the ride was the car's rattling engine and squeaky brakes. I walked into the building, and the second after the door closed behind me, every single person in the commons stared at me. I hated it. I walked into the boys bathroom, and locked myself in the stall. I didn't feel sad, I felt angry. I punched the stall door 4 times, letting out more and more anger with each blow. My hand was throbbing with pain, but it didn't bother me. The bell rang, and I walked out of the bathroom, hiding my hand in my sweatshirt pocket. When I got to architecture class, it was the same story. Every person, including Katy and Stephen, stared me. I put my head down and waited for the teacher to start class. No longer were we on our dream house project, we were learning how to effectively build a retaining wall around a property. The class was dull, and I barely paid any attention. After the class, I felt someone tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and it was Katy. "Hey, I know we don't really talk much, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and if you ever wanted to talk, I would be glad to." She said. She seemed sincere. Being so close to her beautiful self, I couldn't contain my emotions. I started crying, but managed a "thank you" while I walked away briskly. I was so embarrassed. "What girl wants a guy who is poor, dresses badly, and is a cry baby?" I thought to myself. I went back to the same bathroom, and punched the stall door again. My knuckles started to swell, but I didn't care. I hated myself. I hated my life. I walked out of the bathroom, through the commons, and out the front door, slamming the door behind me.

All of the cars in the parking lot should have been empty, but one single car, a blacked out, low riding Nissan 370Z was running. I blew it off as merely a visitor, or maybe a student leaving early for the day, but the car wasn't doing anything. It was just in park, a low, sporty sounding rumble coming from the engine. Meanwhile, I hadn't decided what to do yet. My heart was beating fast, and I almost started to panic when the car suddenly turned off. An attractive, blonde girl got out of the vehicle. She looked to be about my age, or a few years older. She looked at me straight in the eyes, and motioned for me to come to her. I quickly walked over, not knowing what to expect. "Are you Jason?" She asked in a hushed voice. "No…?" I said, very confused. "Oh shit.. Well you better get in the car so we can talk about this." The girl muttered. I walked around to the other side of the car, and thought about running. Being too intrigued to escape, I opened the door, and sat down.

"My name is Savannah. Don't be alarmed, if you're cool, this is all going to work out." She said. I just looked at her, wanting to know what on earth was going on. "I'm new to this school, and I was supposed to meet a dude named Jason here." She explained. "What? ...Are you some sort of drug dealer?" I asked. "Not quite. Let's go for a drive okay? I assume you just skipped school? It'll be best for you anyway." She said. I nodded, and put on my seatbelt.

She drove like a maniac. Her car must have had some sorts of modifications, because it accelerated extremely fast. She was constantly asking me questions on the drive, like it was some sort of test. I told her about my dad, and she said she had read about it in the paper. She must have had a lot of money, because her jewelry and clothes were all top of the line brands. She said that she was 19, the same age as Ben.

The drive was about 15 minutes. We finally parked, in the parking lot of an old printing press building in downtown Lincoln. Faded words were painted on the side of the building, but I couldn't distinguish what they said. There was one other car in the parking lot, a silver Range Rover with tinted windows and rims. Savannah turned her car off. "I don't know why I'm showing you this, kid. But you seem alright, and maybe you could be part of my operation. So just keep your mouth shut, and follow me." She explained. My heart raced. I wondered what she meant by her "operation." I had never done drugs, or had anything to do with them. They were too expensive, and too risky to use in my small house. I got out of the car, and followed her to a small side door at the bottom of the large printing press building. Instead of using a key to open the door, she pressed a small button, which made a ringing noise. Nothing happened at first, but suddenly the door unlocked, with a loud click. She opened the door for me, and we walked in.

The building was completely empty. A few indistinguishable machines sat idle in the corners of the room, with a layer of dust covering them. I could see all the way up to the roof, the building only had the base floor. Savannah, knowing exactly what she was doing, walked to the very opposite side of the room, and sat down next to a typewriter. She hit 4 different numbers, and a portion of the floor slid back, revealing a staircase. I was absolutely appalled. "Cmon!" Savannah said with a grin. "Down to the office." I walked down the stairs, just one set, illuminated by lights planted in the wall. Savannah typed in another four digit code into a keypad at the bottom of the stairs, and I heard the floor slide back into place. At the same time, the door at the bottom of the stairs opened, revealing what seemed to be a large office like area. There was a large desk with multiple chairs, and smaller desks with computers on them. A large storage area was also set aside, lined with unmarked boxes.

"Savannah, who the hell is this?" Said a deep, gruff voice behind me. I turned around, and saw an extremely muscular man, who looked to be about 50 or 60, staring at me. He had tattoos covering his body. He reminded me of bikers that I would see in my neighborhood often. "This is ___, he is cool. That Jason dude you told me about never showed, instead this guy came out. He's cool, don't worry. I thought maybe he could be a partner." Savannah explained, looking a little embarrassed. "You brought a random kid to the center of our operation?! What the hell are you thinking Savannah?" the man said, angrily. He looked at me dead in the eyes, and said "tell me about yourself."

"My name is ___ ___. I am 17 years old. I go to Lincoln North. My father recently passed away. I had a panic attack and walked out of school, and that's when I saw savannah. She thought I was Jason, or whoever, but after she found out that I'm not, she took me here. I won't tell anyone, I swear. I don't know anything about drugs, just let me go. I'm totally chill" I explained, frantically. I thought the man was going to kill me at any second.

"Alright kid." The man said, seemingly satisfied with my monologue. "My name is Chris. You can call me C. Yes, we are involved with drugs. But it's not what you would think. We have 6 employees. Savannah here, is third in command." he said.

"Okay... But what exactly do you do, if it's not what I think?" I asked, intrigued.

"We sell a new type of drug called Shok. It's a pill. We get it from a supplier in Russia, believe it or not. Shok isn't like most normal drugs. It isn't dangerous. It's just a clean, good high. But it's expensive. So our clients aren't average, everyday bums like you, no offense. We .. Uh.. Look for.. Higher income, clients, if you will." C explained.

I was interested. I had never heard of the drug Shok before. Kids at Lincoln north did their share of marijuana, and occasionally harder drugs, but never this.

I still didn't get it. "Why do you have this entire building to sell drugs out of? And six employees? Isn't that overkill?" I asked .

"Not too fast kid. You'll find out eventually. For now, that's all you need to know." C said, sternly. "Fair enough, but why were you at my high school? We are mostly poor kids.. None of us could afford your drug. And who is this Jason person?" I asked. "We have a few people at your school who buy our product in mass volume, and they have the money to do so." C said. "Wait.. So like thornies?!" I exclaimed.

Savannah and C both looked at me like I was an idiot. "Thornies? What the hell are those?!" Savannah asked, laughing.

I was embarrassed. I forgot that outsiders obviously don't know the slang words that the students use.

"Um, thornies, kids who live in thorns, the rich neighborhood by the school? You sell to a few of them?" I said, looking at the ground

"Right kid. Every school has rich kids, and there's always a few rich kids who like drugs. We know most of these kids by name. They take the product and either use it, or sell to other people. It's pretty simple actually." C said.

I was amazed. There was a secret drug trade going on in Lincoln, and at my school, and I was standing in the headquarters. But my look of amazement must have reminded C that he didn't even know me, and that I could still cost him everything if I were go to the cops.

"Well kid, now you know too much. So you're either in, or you're out, if you get my drift.” C said with a chuckle.

I thought he was kidding, but my glance at savannah told me otherwise. "My dad is dead. My family needs money. I'll do whatever you need me to." I burst out.

C looked proud. "Okay. Me and Savannah will talk it over. Savannah, take him back to school. We don't want any attention on him if he's going to be an employee of ours, do we?" C said. "Yes sir. I'll see you later then." Savannah said, respectfully. "Let's go kid." She said to me.

She repeated the same process to exit the "office", enter the code, climb the stairs, and enter another code on the typewriter to close the staircase.

On the drive home, Savannah seemed excited for me. "You probably have a lot of questions, but don't worry. You will get answers. I will be in touch with you. And don't skip school anymore!" She said, with a wink. We pulled up to the front doors of the school. "Wait, _NAME__, have this." Savannah said. She handed me a small stack of money. I had no clue how much it was, but my face light up. "Thank you, I won't let you down." I said. I shut the car door, and she drove off. By this time, I had missed most of my classes. I walked back inside, and went to the central office. I told the principal that I had gone outside, because I was being bullied. Obviously having a soft spot for me after the death of my father, he was fine with it. "Come to me first next time, ___NAME___. Don't just walk outside. Hope things get better." He said, patting me on the back. I went to my last class of the day, English, with a smile on my face. During class I asked to go to the bathroom, and counted how much money Savannah had given me. It was $750. "YES!" I yelled, thinking about how insane and lucky my day had been.

When the final bell rang, and I found Ben's car, I was still all smiles. "Get your first kiss, loser?" Ben said, mockingly. "Sure, go with that." I joked, making sure my money was secure in my pocket. On the drive home, my mind was racing. Who is Jason? Which Thornies buy the drugs from C? Am I actually going to work for them? I was excited, and nervous.

Ben had brought home some macaroni from the clubhouse at the golf course, so we heated that up for dinner. My mom came home late, putting in extra hours. She had dark bags under her eyes, seemingly never disappearing after my father's death. I immediately wanted to give all the money to her, but I couldn't. After doing some homework and watching TV, I went to bed. I felt hopeful for what was to come.

The handle of the knife felt so smooth in my hand, like

polished marble. It’s blade was long and shiny, reflecting the sunlight. I looked up, but there was no sun. I was in a white room, and the only sound was a slow, methodical dripping noise. I looked down. I was covered in blood. I was confused. I wasn’t hurt. But then I noticed, the figure slumped against one of the walls. A trail of dark red blood connected the two of us. I looked in it’s eyes. It was my father. My heart stopped. The dripping got louder, and louder. The knife fell out of my hand, hitting the ground with a clatter. I seemed to have fallen on to the floor. Blood started dripping from the ceiling, right onto my nose. I could smell its metallic scent. My eyes rolled back in my head. Everything went black.

I woke up, my pajamas soaked in sweat. My heart was racing. Nightmares had plagued me since my father died, but nothing like this. Then I felt it, something dripping onto my face. I looked up, and saw a damp spot in the ceiling. Our house was always leaky, and it had been raining earlier in the night. “So much for sleeping” i thought to myself. Ignoring the slowly leaking roof, I got out of bed, and went downstairs, careful not to wake Ben. I crashed on the couch, and as I was about to drift off, my phone buzzed. I almost ignored it, but then I remembered Savannah. I looked at my phone

Tuesday, November 28, 3:07 AM

New text message:

Nate: Megan finally agreed ;) told u bro

I rolled my eyes, putting my phone on the ground in disgust. Not only did I not care about Nate and his girlfriend’s endeavours, it was three in the morning, not time to discuss it. After staring at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, I finally fell asleep.

The next few days all passed by, boring and uneventful. I started to think that meeting Savannah and taking the trip to the headquarters had never happened, that it was some silly daydream I had created. The only thing that told me it was real was the money, 750 dollars I was deathly scared to spend. At school, the constant stares turned into glances, and the glances slowly faded. “Everything gets boring, even feeling sorry for people.” Ben told me, when I mentioned it to him. I knew he was right, but I didn’t mind. On that Friday, December 1st, the school was abuzz with talk of a giant party being thrown that night, hosted by none other than Stephen Westwood. His parents were out of town on a business meeting, and he was home alone in his mansion in the Thorns. I never went to any parties, so the thought of attending didn’t spark any interest in me. Nate and I had plans to see a movie with Megan and one of her friends (hopefully less snobbier than her). At lunch, I sat down at my usual lunch table, and waited for Nate. Five minutes passed, then ten, and I was finished with my food and ready to leave when he finally sat down next to me. A wild grin was on his face, and before I could even ask, he blurted out “Dude, Megan and I got invited to the party tonight...we are going to go!” I looked at him blankly. “I hope you’re kidding.” I said disapprovingly. “No man, turns out that Megan’s friend, the one that was going to hang out with us tonight? She knows Stephen and he invited her, and she asked him if we could come too!” he said, excited smile never leaving his face. I was pissed off. Nate and I always talked about how stupid partying was, and made fun of people who bragged about it. But now, when he was invited, he pretended like it was the biggest deal in the world. “Alright dude. Have fun, I guess we can hang out tomorrow or something, if you aren’t too hungover.” I mumbled. The look of disgust on my face must have been pretty obvious, because Nate looked taken aback. “Jealous bro? I bet it sucks to never get invited to stuff, loser.” he said, icily. The look in his eyes had changed to something cold, something I didn’t see a lot. I got up from the table, returned my tray, and went to my next class.

Since the passing of my father, the school made me meet with the counselor, twice every week, towards the end of the day. During my final class of the day, the phone rang in my class, and my teacher looked at me. I got up and walked out of the classroom, without saying a word. The counselor’s office was across the other side of the school, so I had a long walk. Passing through the senior hallway, I heard my name. I turned around, and saw a girl. It was Savannah. She had dyed her hair black, with smoldering purple eye makeup, and dark lipstick. She was wearing a black dress, with gold and black platform shoes. “What the… how did you even get in here?” I asked, bewildered. “Easier than you think, kid. Tell your brother that you don’t need a ride home today from school. I’ll see you in the parking lot at 3:30.” she said with a wink. Before I could reply, she turned around and walked down the hallway. The sound of her expensive shoes hitting the white tile floor echoed against the walls. I kept walking to the counselor's office, feeling dazed. Remembering at the last second, I pulled out my phone and texted Ben, telling him that I was going to ride with Nate. I smiled, and walked into the office. The counselor, Mr. Quigley, was a large, old man, who had the spirit of a kindly old grandfather. He wore wide rimmed glasses, and laughed with his belly. His blackboard was blank, except for a childish drawing of himself with the word “Quiggles”. I sat down, and let the questions begin. I explained that no, I wasn’t depressed, and no, I didn’t have thoughts of hurting myself, or anyone else. That seemed to do the trick, and he started telling me a story about his granddaughter, who was a piano prodigy. Eventually the final bell rang, and I said a fake “thank you”,  smiled, and walked out of his office.

Savannah’s Nissan was parked in the back of the parking lot, and techno music was blasting from the speakers, so loud I could hear it halfway to her car. I opened the door, and sat down in the low seat, practically on the ground. “You know, for a criminal, you don’t really do a good job of not trying to get caught.” I said, with a smirk. Her unusual style, her flashy car, and good looks attracted a lot of attention. “You know, for someone who wears those jeans, you sure have a big mouth!” she exclaimed, winking. My face felt like it was turning purple. “Anyway, kid, C and I talked, and tonight is going to be your first job.” Savannah explained. “Okay... what do I need to do?” I asked anxiously. “I assume you are going to Stephen Westwood’s party tonight, and we need you to introduce him and his friends to our product. Think of it as giving free samples.” she said. “Um, I wasn’t invited to his party.” I muttered. “Oh don’t worry kid, you can just show up. But you’re going to have to wear something different than that, obviously.” she giggled. “I have a dress shirt, that I wear for family holidays?” I offered. Savannah grabbed her sunglasses from the console of her car. “Let’s go shopping really quick.” she said, putting them on. She put her car in drive, and zoomed out of the parking lot.

No words were exchanged on the way to our destination. Savannah’s iPhone was plugged into her stereo, and up-tempo dubstep music filled my ears. Her car must have had subwoofers in it, because the whole car shook and vibrated. It was another short, high speed drive, which seemed to be the theme with Savannah. We were at Meyer’s, a department store specializing in luxury clothes. “Savannah, I don’t have money for any clothes, I hope you realize that…” I said. She just smiled at me, and got out of the car. “Stay here kid. What size of shirt and pants do you wear?” she asked. I told her, and she slammed the door, and walked inside. I rolled my eyes. I was starting to develop a little crush on her. I sighed, knowing that nothing would ever come from it. I was too quiet for any girls to like me, my clothes weren’t good enough, and I was broke. I stared out the window, wondering why Savannah even trusted me in the first place. After about twenty minutes, Savannah returned to the car, a large bag in hand. “We’re going to go to my house to get things sorted out before the party.” Savannah said, putting the bag in the back seat and hopping in the car. “You have your own house?” I asked, eyebrow raised. “Yeah, um, I’m comfortable.” she said, with a half smile. She started up the car, and drove away.

Savannah’s house was in South Lincoln, in a wealthy neighborhood that I didn’t recognize. It was a huge, older styled house, landscaped to perfection. She parked her car in the three car garage that was attached to the house. The other two spots were empty. We went inside, and Savannah showed me to a bathroom, where I could change into my new clothes. The shirt was a white v-neck, by a brand I had never heard of before, with a pair of jeans. There was a pair of shoes in the bag too, black high tops with gold trim. After putting the clothes on, I looked in the mirror, and let out a laugh. I looked completely different. Savannah was standing outside the bathroom, with a bottle cologne and hair gel in her hands. “It’s a makeover!” she declared with a giggle. She ran the gel through my hair, styling it up. “You look cute.” she said, while spraying the cologne on me. “Thanks..I guess?” I muttered, trying not to blush. I followed Savannah into her kitchen, which had granite countertops and top of the line appliances. I sat down at the table, which had magazines covering it. “Sorry about the mess, can I get you anything to drink?” Savannah asked, opening her fridge. The fridge was stocked with different types of pressed juice drinks, none which looked appealing to me. Before I had time to reply, her phone rang. She walked out of the room, leaving me by myself. I didn’t understand Savannah. She was 19, had crazy tastes, and seemed to have unlimited money. I wondered what made her get into the drug trade, and why she even did it. There was a lot more I wanted to know about her.

Savannah’s phone call was quick, and she came back into the kitchen within a few minutes. She sat down across from me, and gave me the game plan.

“Okay kid, here’s how tonight is gonna work. You will get to the party right when it starts, so everyone is mostly sober. Get friendly with Stephen and his close friends, then give them the product. After that’s done, leave, and give me a call.” she explained. “Okay, sounds good.” I said confidently. Savannah walked to a cupboard, and came back with a small metal box. She opened it, and it was full of semi-large, oval white pills. “Here’s the stuff. Make sure you don’t mistake it for breath mints.” she said, with her signature wink.

“Oh, and as far as ...compensation goes, how does another 750 sound?” Savannah asked. “That sounds perfect!” I blurted out, breaking into a smile.

“Good. Well we better get going, Thorns is all the way across town.” Savannah said. I grabbed my old clothes, and got in her car. My heart was racing, excited for the night. After a long, dubstep music filled drive, we finally got to Thorns. The houses were enormous, even bigger than Savannah’s. We turned onto a short road, with a cul de sac at the end. The cul de sac was lined with cars, all of them expensive. I saw Megan’s red Infiniti, and knew that her and Nate were already there. “Good luck kid, call me when you’re done.” Savannah said. I got out of the car, and she drove off. I felt a little nervous. I could hear music coming from the house, and people’s voices. My life had taken such a dramatic turn in the last month, it was almost unbelieveable. I would’ve never guessed that I would be at one of the hottest parties in Lincoln, handing out drugs, wearing expensive clothes, just one month ago. I walked up to the front door, and knocked, three times.

It was Stephen himself who answered the door. “Sup.” he said, giving me an approving look. I nodded, and he let me in. His house was beautiful. Straight out of the pages of a home design magazine, everything was done to perfection. The house was open concept, and everything seemed to connect with each other.  A table with glasses of different alcoholic beverages was in the kitchen, and that’s where I saw Nate. I started to walk over to him, but I had second thoughts. Something about him in that moment disgusted me. There was an open couch in the living room, and I sat down. There were speakers in the ceilings, so music seemed to come from the entire house. I saw Stephen head downstairs, so I decided to follow him. The stairs were white marble, and they must have cost a fortune. The basement was just as impressive as the top floor, with a movie theatre, fully equipped bar, and mini gym. An Xbox was hooked up to the movie theater, and a few guys were having a tournament, playing a racing game. Stephen sat down on a chair by the pool table, watching a game that was in progress. I knew that this was my chance. I wanted to get this over with. I didn’t feel comfortable at this party, and I was nervous that someone would recognize me. “Hey Stephen, I have something for you.” I said, walking up to him. “Yeah bro, what’s up?” he asked, looking up at me. “I have some samples of a new drug, I think you should try it.” I said, not knowing how to explain myself. “Okay, what kind?” he asked, like it was no big deal. “It’s a new drug, it’s called Shok. It's a pill, and it’s supposed to get you really high.” I explained. “Uhh, alright, I guess I’ll take it.” Stephen declared. I took the container out of my pocket and handed it to him. “Thanks bro.” he said. I nodded, and walked away. My job was done, and I wanted to get out of this house. I walked back up the stairs, and as I was about to leave, I heard my name. I turned around, and was almost in shock. It was Katy, looking absolutely stunning.

“Hey Katy.” I said, trying not to fall apart. “I like your new look! And the hair!” she exclaimed, a bright smile on her face. “Thank you, you look good too.” I murmured, looking at the floor. Her name was called in the background, and she glanced away. “Well, I’ll catch you around.” she said with a smile. She walked away, and my head was spinning. I headed out the front door, and walked away from the house. Savannah was parked down the street, with her usual music playing. I opened the door, and climbed in. “How’d it go?” she asked.  “Fine, I guess. I gave him the stuff, and got out of there.” I said. Savannah just nodded, and started driving. I pulled out my phone, and my stomach did a flip.

New text message:

Nate: what the hell is your deal bro? First u bash me for going to stephens party, then u show up? And nice hair and clothes lol, who did you borrow those from? I know ever since ur dad died youve been messed up… but this needs to stop. Btw… youll never get katy lmao. Cya

A sensation of pure rage filled my entire being. Even though Nate was my best friend, I wondered if my friendship with him was even worth it. Savannah seemed to sense the change in my mood. “Are you okay? Is something bothering you?” she asked, turning the music down. “Just drama with my best friend... Don’t worry about it.” I muttered. Out of nowhere, Savannah gently and affectionately grabbed my left hand. “You know, I am here for you, if you ever want to talk. You could give me a call!” she exclaimed, with a grin. I didn’t know what to say. I had not had a girlfriend before, and Savannah’s beautiful, greenish gray eyes looking deep into mine and her soft hand on mine made my entire body shiver. All of my emotions suddenly welled up inside me, and tears started streaming down my face. Savannah, looking genuinely concerned, pulled into a random side street and parked the car.

“Okay seriously,  ____, what is going on? This is making me depressed!!” Savannah declared, with a sad look in her eyes. Being an emotional person, I often wanted to share my feelings with people, but never had the opportunity to. Extremely embarrassed, I tried to stop crying as quickly as possible. “Just... a lot of stuff has been going on. I guess I’m just stressed.” I said flatly. “Ugh, well I want you to be happy, and I need you to be happy if we are going to work successfully together. I promise you, I will help improve your life, babe.” Savannah said flirtatiously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Did Savannah actually like me? Then it hit me, Savannah was absolutely perfect. I didn’t know it was possible to develop this much of a crush on someone in such a short period of time. “Thank you Savannah, I truly appreciate it.” I said, smiling. She just flashed a grin, another Savannah trademark, started up the car, and we were back on our way.  

When we arrived at my house, Savannah pulled out the $750 from a Louis Vuitton bag in the back seat of her car. “Good job tonight, even if you don’t think it was much, it’s a start!” she proclaimed. Before I could respond, she handed me my payment, and kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks.” was all I could respond with. “I’ll be in touch, goodnight ___.” she said, with a wink. I got out of her car, money in hand, and she sped off, music already blasting from her speakers.

I went straight up to my room, another insane night behind me. Ben was already deep into slumber. I changed out of my new exotic clothes, hiding them under my bed. I put my money that I had earned that night with my first $750, also in a small box under my bed. I was a little intrigued that my mom had not called me asking where I was, after all, it was almost 1 A.M. The text from Nate was still on the home screen of my phone. I decided to ignore it. I went and brushed my teeth, and hopped into bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

When I woke up the next morning, Ben was already at work. I walked into the bathroom to start my shower, and smiled. My hair was still holding some of its new style from the night before. After a quick shower, I threw on a pair of old gym shorts and a University of Nebraska football shirt that was way too big for me. I went downstairs, and saw my mom sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I knew something fishy was up. “___, we need to have a discussion.” she said, monotonously. “Okay..” I said, taking a seat at the table. “Honey, I really don’t want to ask this of you, but I think you are going to need to look for a job. After your dad passing, I have been struggling to keep things going with just my own money and Ben’s help.” she explained, with a depressed look on her face. I know she probably felt terrible asking me to chip in. “Okay I guess I can look for one, no problem.” I muttered, not with much enthusiasm. “Thank you, do you need me to drive you around to submit some applications?” she asked, ignoring my gloom. “Nah, I’ll apply online or get someone to pick me up.” I said. I got up from the table and walked back up to the bedroom. Laying in my bed, staring at my ceiling, I started to think. In such a short amount of time, I had already made $1,500 dollars from basically doing nothing for Savannah. No job accessible by someone my age could ever pay that much. I decided I would have to fake getting a job somewhere, and use the money earned by working for Savannah to help my family. At the same time, a feeling of anxiety overcame me. What if the business with Savannah didn’t work out? After all, I was no tough drug dealer. And what was the whole Shok thing going to do to my personal life? Nate and I were not on good terms, and my feelings towards Katy were being replaced by my developing crush on Savannah. Just as my thoughts were about to get even deeper, my phone buzzed. It was Savannah.

New text message:

Savannah: hey, you busy today? I thought I would take u to meet the rest of the employees, lol. Let me know!

My heart did a little twirl.

Sounds good, pick me up whenever! :)

I got up excitedly, and rushed downstairs. My mom was still sitting, cup of coffee in hand. “I got someone to pick me up to go job hunting, she will be here soon.” I said. “She? Who is this person?” my mom said with a devilish grin. I rolled my eyes, although it was nice to see my mom smile. “Don’t worry about it.” I muttered, blushing. I hung out on the front porch for about ten minutes. Eventually, I saw Savannah’s car cruising down the street. It looked so out of place, mixed in with the old, low end cars of my neighborhood. I hopped in her car, and the first thing I noticed was her extreme clothing choice for the day. She was wearing a leopard print long sleeve shirt, and black leggings. Three gold Cartier bracelets were dangling from her wrist, and enormous Versace sunglasses almost seemed to cover up her entire face. “Hey dude, ready to go?” she asked, with a smile. “Uh, should I go change?” I asked, suddenly embarrassed at the outfit I was wearing. “Psh, you know I got you covered.” she said with a giggle. She motioned to a suit bag in the back seat of her car, hanging up on the hook. The word “Armani” was emblazoned on it. “Good lord… you-” “Don’t worry about it.” Savannah interrupted, with a wink. The drive to the Shok HQ was not very talkative, with droning electronic music deafening me the whole time. We pulled into the parking lot of the old building. Along with C’s Range Rover, four other cars were in the parking lot. There was a Mercedes SL, an Infiniti coupe, a new Jeep Grand Cherokee, and a BMW 3 series. All of the vehicles were completely blacked out, like Savannah’s. “Okay, let’s do this ____.” Savannah said confidently. I grabbed my new suit, and we walked up to the entrance. “I don’t know if you remember from the first time we came here, but this button is how you enter the HQ. It’s fingerprint activated, so we will have to get you registered into the system.” Savannah explained. “Okay, cool.” I said. Savannah pressed the button, and the door instantly unlocked. We walked in, and she gestured to a large machine in the corner of the room. “You can go get changed over there. I’ll wait here. Don’t be nervous!” she exclaimed, looking hopeful. I nodded, and went to go get changed. The suit fit me perfectly, somehow. There was no tie, so I left the collar unbuttoned. A pair of black dress shoes were included at the bottom of the bag. I tossed my other clothes into the bag, and returned to Savannah. “Awh! You look so professional and stuff!” she blurted with a giggle. I just sighed, and replied with a simple “Thanks.” We walked over to the same typewriter as before, and Savannah entered the four digit code again. “The code for this is 1017, don’t ask me why.” she explained. After she punched it in the floor started sliding back. We went down the stairs, to the next layer of security, the keypad. “This one is 1003 for the code.” she said. I nodded. She typed it in and the ceiling above us slid back into place. The door opened, and I was met with five pairs of eyes, staring at me icily, at the large table in the office. My heart rate skyrocketed.