#something something the fine line between not taking yourself too seriously but not undermining your work idk

[ichorblossoms]

being consumed by the madness [has been figuring out plot shit for like three hours now]

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Omertà👄4

Warnings: noncon sexual acts (sexual intercourse); tags to be added throughout series

This is dark!Bucky and dark! Loki and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Your father was a bookie and taught you everything you know about numbers. After his death, you were taken on as a bookkeeper for Loki Laufeyson, resident crime boss in Manhattan. But can you keep your place in the background when a man from Brooklyn threatens to drag you to the forefront?

Note: You guys are awesome. Just thought you should know! Thanks for reading and following along. :D I am always so thankful for everything y’all do.

Hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Love you guys!

As always, if you can, please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

Aside from the colour, you were not a fan of the dress. The black number was little much for you; the long sleeves couldn’t make up for the length of the skirt or the strappy back. You were still unaccustomed to your new wardrobe and you doubted you ever would be. When you arrived that morning at The Attic, you’d felt like an idiot. 

After noon, you excused yourself if only to escape Loki for an hour. He hadn’t failed to remind you of the day’s meeting. Over a week and a half since the last. Just as long spent in dread. It was bad enough facing Loki each day but another to know you’d be book-ended between him and Bucky.

You went to a restaurant not far from the shop. You passed it now and then but never thought of stepping inside the ultra sleek bar. You did that day; a reluctant retreat. You sat by the window and ordered an organic juice and a salad. 

You rarely ate anything more than microwaves dinners and non-perishables. You often found yourself forgetting to stop and eat when you were at work and you gave little thought to what awaited you after.

You poked at the baby spinach and glanced out the window. The strawberry juice was a little too sweet and made your jaw twitch. You looked back to your bowl as you tried to hide your recognition. The man across the street; you’d seen him before.

It would be easy enough to shrug off his brief glance as coincidence as he walked casually along the pavement, but you hadn’t missed him as you emerged from The Attic. Or a few days back on your way home. His golden hair shone above his chiseled jaw and his bright eyes made him a beacon on the streets. He was following you and he wasn’t even trying to be subtle.

You left the last few leaves in the bottom of the bowl to drown in dressing. You took your last sip from the glass and folded the bills in the little leather folder. You stood and nodded at your waitress on your way out. The blond man was gone. For now.

You returned to the shop and slipped into the office. Loki wasn’t there and you were thankful. You sat and pulled out your phone. You pulled down the skirt which had a tendency to slip to your thigh. 

As you wiggled in your chair, the door opened and Loki appeared. He didn’t miss the little shimmy and smiled as he neared your desk. His eyes sparkled at you as his fingers rubbed along the edge of the wood.

“We should go soon.” He said. “But we should talk first.”

“Right,” You kept your phone propped up but spared him a brief peek.

“First, listen,” He reached over and tapped your phone. “Important. I tell you to do something, you do it. No back talk. It would be as bad for you as for me should you choose to undermine me in the presence of those men.”

You nodded and lowered your phone. You looked at him and squished your lips together.

“Play along. I know you’re not stupid so I know you can play your part well.” He grinned. “This man is simple; even you can rile him.”

You shook your head and swayed your leg as you crossed your arms.

“Is that all?” You asked.

“I shouldn’t have to remind you of what this world means; of the consequences of such repugnance.” He frowned. “Remember your father, perhaps that will keep you in line.”

“Perhaps,” You sneered.

“Well,” He drew away. “I’d rather this over with. I am not a fan of these places. Sad, really.”

You stood and tucked your phone in your purse. You slung it on your shoulder and sighed.

“Well, at least we can agree on expedience,” You said.

👄

The She-Wolf looked grim in the daylight. The neon sign flashed although the flicker was hard to notice so early. You followed Loki to the doors but he swiftly sidestepped a patron stumbling out. You watched the man, already drunk, as he wobbled away. 

You swallowed your discomfort and entered as Loki opened the door for you, the bouncers eyed both of you. He was greeted by a woman in a crop top and booty shorts. He looked at her as if she were a leper.

“Laufeyson for Barnes,” He announced. “Is there a man who I should--”

“Over here,” She interrupted him and his brows drew together. “Just by Tiffani.”

Loki hesitated but followed, his arm curled around you as he swept you along with him. There were only two stages in use and the bar was almost empty. Still the music buzzed and the dark room was swathed with coloured arcs of light. You sat along the half-moon stage as the woman offered you drinks. 

Loki sniffed as he peered around and refused. You thanked her but forewent the offer as well. Loki sat back and draped his arm behind you. He looked over at you and you didn’t miss his gaze as his hand flitted down to your dress. His hand snaked over and he caressed your leg just beneath the hem.

“Well…” He kept his voice low. “I am pleasantly surprised.”

“Stop,” You grabbed his hand.

“Stop? Ah, you know, I never expected to share tastes with Barnes but I might see a little of what he does.” He purred. “This might be more fun than I expected.”

“Loki,” You hissed as he flipped his hand and twisted yours back. “Enough.”

“We should’ve taken our time back at the office.” He slithered.

“I mean it.” You wrestled with him. “It’s not funny.”

“I am not joking, darling,” He rolled his R coyly. “And seeing as…” His eyes went to the woman spinning up on the pole. “He has such low standards… you’ve made this pleasantly easy.”

He shook you away and pushed his hand between your knees. He gripped your leg as he took a breath. He cleared his throat and rescinded his touch as he stood. Bucky appeared from a doorway along the back of the club and you rose too. He was flanked by two other men and they followed him to the stage as he smirked at you. He barely acknowledged Loki as he offered you his hand.

“Sweetheart,” He looked you up and down. “Mmm, you look wonderful.”

You thanked him softly and stiffened as you shook his hand.

“Loki,” He released you and extended his hand to the other man. “Early. As always.”

“We take our time seriously in Manhattan,” Loki gripped Bucky’s hand firmly. “It is, as they say, money.”

“Mmhmm,” Bucky withdrew and sat. His men stayed behind him, like statues. 

Bucky leaned his elbow on the table that lined the stage and gazed up at the now topless Tiffani as she hung upside down from the pole. He smirked and his eyes slowly fell to you.

“So, you thirsty?” He asked.

“It’s early,” Loki answered for you.

“Not that early,” Bucky insisted as he raised his hand. “What do you like? You seem like a scotch man.” 

His eyes never left you as the woman who greeted you returned. 

“Or whiskey,” Loki replied, annoyed that he was all but being ignored.

“And the lady?” He wondered. “Champagne?”

“That’s a bit much,” You sat straight. 

“Rose? Chardonnay?” He continued. “I have a rather extensive cellar. I could let you have a look if you wish.”

“We didn’t come here to peruse your wine collection,” Loki intoned.

“No,” Bucky slapped his hand on the table. “You came here to give me my money and to accept my hospitality. It would be rude to bite the hand, wouldn’t it?”

Loki’s jaw jutted out in anger and he nodded, a snarl slowly left his nostrils.

“Gin,” You said sternly. “Gin is fine.”

“Gin,” Bucky repeated as his expression softened and he turned to the waitress. “Scotch for my friend,” He waved to Loki, “And two gins. Top shelf.”

“Yes, sir,” She recited and her smile betrayed her attraction for the man. Bucky, despite his person, could not be called hideous.

“You know,” Bucky turned to Loki, his eyes strayed to you for a moment, “I was thinking of this new arrangement and while I appreciate that your men are working so hard, I would prefer a few of mine help out.”

“Help out?” Loki squinted.

“Allies, you said.” Bucky leaned back and pulled his thin lapels straight. “So we should work together. If I sent a few of my hands down to our warehouses, they wouldn’t be hassled, would they? Especially not if they were helping with our business.”

Loki swallowed. It was one thing to split up the take, but another to allow others onto territory he still felt was rightfully his. The compromise was temporary in his mind; a means to an end. A patient plot.

“Surely not,” Loki forced out. “I would make sure of it.”

“Very good,” Bucky smiled as he watched the waitress set down the drinks. “I will send them down tomorrow then.”

“I’ll make sure mine are aware,” Loki inhaled deeply and took his scotch. His other hand wandered over your thigh and he rested it there as he sipped. 

You grabbed your drink and swigged down a bitter mouthful before you could chide him. Bucky didn’t miss the movement and his eyes followed Loki’s arm to his hand. Loki’s long fingers squeezed and you winced. Bucky took a drink as he looked you over.

“I’ll take my money now,” He gritted out. “Drinks are on me though.”

Loki set down his glass and dragged his hand from your leg. He shifted your skirt as he did, enough to expose your upper thigh. You fixed it and Bucky hummed. You looked up as he shifted in his chair. He was focused on your lap and you pushed your legs together tightly.

Loki reached into his jacket and pulled out the bundle. He planted it on the table before Bucky who quickly took it and began to count. When he finished, he smacked the stack on his palm and then handed it over to one of his men.

“You like her?” Bucky pointed to Tiffani and Loki frowned. “The night shift is better. The girls are… skilled.”

“I’ve never been one for dancers. Or escorts.” Loki sneered.

“My girls are clean and I’d not call them escorts, they’re good company. Especially for men like us.”

“Men like us?” Loki huffed. “I don’t pay for my company.”

“So you must be lonely,” Bucky countered.

A tense silence followed as they stared each other down. Loki chuckled and finished his drink.

“Not that lonely,” He stretched his arm behind you. 

Bucky scratched his chin and nodded.

“It’s not always money you pay with,” Bucky mused. “Is it?”

“I have been told I am charming,” Loki’s fingers tickled your shoulder. “I’ve never wanted for much.”

“Is it charm or hot air?” Bucky challenged. “You talk a lot.”

“I won’t deny that,” Loki smirked. “But you know, a sharp tongue is truly a gift. Isn’t it, darling?”

Both men looked at you. You tapped your fingernail on your glass and chewed on your irritation.

“Truly,” You answered rigidly. “It must be.”

You lifted your glass and drank. Bucky watched you intently. Loki stared at him until he looked away and their gaze met. There was a moment of understanding; an unspoken challenge. You felt as if you were suffocating in your dress. You wanted another drink desperately.

👄

You left shortly after the pissing contest. You were glad to be away and didn’t stick around much longer at the antique shop. Loki was agitated and barely noticed when you left. Despite his well-honed veneer, he hadn’t been able to withhold his chagrin once free of the strip club.

The next day, you sensed little difference. He was silent, grumbly. He sat behind his desk and made the occasional call. He was impatient and bossy. He had Bucky’s men in his warehouses and he was talking his own down from igniting another war. Each call ended with a scribbled list of numbers for you to add to your ledger.

Your work was disturbed in the late afternoon. You heard Lopez in the showroom, his voice panicked as he neared the other side of the door. There was no knock as the squat man’s voice was left unmatched. The door opened as Loki reached under his jacket. He gripped his gun and watched the man who entered.

“No need for that,” The blonde man said coolly. He held a box and smiled as he looked around the room. “Just got a delivery.”

Loki scowled and reluctantly lowered his hand. “Delivery? Did Barnes forget something?”

The blonde’s jaw squared as he turned to you. He placed the box atop your open ledger. 

“Boss sends his regards,” He smirked. You said nothing as he nodded and glanced at Loki one last time. “To both of you.”

As quickly as he’d come, he was gone. You watched him go and frowned as Loki bid Lopez shut the door. You were silent as you shook your head at the box.

“Who was--”

“Rogers.” Loki snorted. “Barnes’ little lap dog.”

You were quiet. You wouldn’t let on that Barnes’ man had been tailing you. You didn’t think that would help with either of them. Or you.

“Well, open it.” He demanded.

You glanced at him and he lifted a brow. His eyes pierced you as you slid the box closer and let out a long breath. You rubbed your thumbs over the cardboard and carefully shook the lid free. The box fell to the desk and you set aside the top. You brushed aside the tissue paper and gaped at the swath of sparkling diamonds.

Loki sighed and tapped his fingers as he leaned forward.

“Do go on,” He said dryly.

You cringed and reached into the box. You hooked your fingers under the diamonds and lifted the glittering pair of panties. Your eyes met Loki’s over the top and his face paled with anger. Fuck.

[rfschatten]

It still the damn Mask, Stupid

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” ~~~ Wayne Dyer

“May you live in interesting times”? Oh yes! We, the people have certainly been really cursed!

It may sound kind of stupid, but how many people have been vaccinated at one time or another in their life? Chances are …if you ever went to school …yes! Whether you liked it or not, you were vaccinated! And it wasn’t by choice, your parents knew what was best for you and so did medical authorities …they understood the seriousness of infecting others, which could lead to a serious epidemic.

It’s always been the norm, always! …until now, when politics decided for their own ugly sordid purpose, to stick their ugly head into all of this! If you want your kids to go to school, you get them vaccinated …and that has really never changed. The first mandatory school vaccinations occurred in the 1850s to protect children from Smallpox …and it’s been a requirement in all 50 States for both, childcare and kids entering school for the first time, ever since!

The primary vaccines administered usually starts around the ages of 6 years old: the DTaP (Diphtheria, Tetanus, & Pertussis) Vaccine, the Polio Vaccine, Varicella Vaccine, MMR (Mumps, Measles, & Rubella) Vaccine, Hib (Haemophilus Influenzae type B) Vaccine, & Influenza (Flu) Vaccine. These are just a few …there’re between 8–16 different vaccines someone may end up taking during their lifetime, and that doesn’t include any of the newer ones …including Covid-19.

This is not just a school problem, the overwhelming majority of infections and deaths are from adults, and they’re acquiring all these new variants, too. The real problem is the moral issue …how much do you really care about your own child or another child’s health and welfare? How much do you really care about the health and welfare of your own community?

Every single human being growing up has been told; listen to your doctor! Every parent in the world has taken their children and/or themselves to a doctor at one time or another …if there’s access to one. So, what’s the big problem? The biggest problem is …we’re now living in a society dominated by sheer unadulterated ignorance!

Why do these parents don’t give a damn whether their children get sick? …or whether their children die? As long as they don’t have to wear a mask, everything is fine inside their own little bubble of reality …the sheer ignorance that has been politized by people who really don’t give a damn except gaining their supporter’s votes and especially their money …that’s all they really care about! Look how many kids are getting infected or dying in Ron DeSantis’ Florida death march and Glenn Abbot’s Texas genocide?

What does it take to convince some people that nothing is going to ever change back to any type of normal until those people start listening to Medical Authorities much more seriously than to Politicos?

What does it take to examine this pandemic and take a look at the numbers? More than 37 million people are already infected, with 600,00+ deaths …and predicting now to reach 660,000 by September …that’s more American deaths than WWI, WWII, Korea, & Vietnam combined! It’s more than the entire 1918 Spanish Influenza pandemic that killed 650,000! …though some say it may have been up to 750,000!

In those days you didn’t have the lines of communication around the world between the medical communities, as you have today …it was just as new to many doctors, especially country doctors. Advance medical technology and general medical knowledge was not around as much, yet still they prevailed.

There’s no excuse whatsoever that 21 years into the 21st Century, more than 600,000 people have had to die! …and with all these new variants, it’s just getting worse as the numbers are spiking all over, again. How can people see all this and wonder why we don’t get back to normal? As I said in Nov. 2020, in my article; “It’s the Mask, Stupid!” …nothing will ever get back to normal until this pandemic gets completely under control! And it’ll never, ever get under control till people stop listening to politicos and demagogues …and start listening to medical professionals, period!

We’re going through a severe public health emergency! It’s going to get worse! It’s going to get a lot worse than the first giant surge …95% of all new cases with all these new variants are from unvaccinated people. And this time, the surge is also affecting children of all ages … children's hospitals are filling to capacity, pediatric ICUs are near capacity …children under 2 are becoming the latest victims!

While Covid-19 keeps spreading among the population, worse than ever …a vicious and methodical anti-vaxxer & anti-CDC insanity is being pushed by GOP politicos & social conservatives, all against the use of masks and vaccinations around the country …and it’s hindering the effort to keep this nation healthy and safe.

The undermining of the public’s health in name of political gains …by willfully endangering human lives with the use of systematic political projections, mass misinformation, continued lies 24/7, disingenuous rhetoric, cultivating ignorance, and deliberately creating massive obfuscation.

The schadenfreude of the entire GOP around the country …especially the extreme cruelty perpetrated against children by Ron DeSantis in Florida (better known these days as #DeathSantis), forcing children not to wear masks, while the “Sunshine State” has the highest rate of children hospitalized in the nation, and 25% of all cases in the United States! Texas’ Greg Abbott is literally competing for the same honor …all of Texas’ hospitals & ICUs …like in Florida …are currently running at full & overcapacity, with field hospitals in the parking lots & underground garages!

Meanwhile, the massive campaign to spread deliberate misinformation hasn’t worked too well for their own constituency of conservative Anti-Vaxxers. Ex-Newsmax & Fl. right-wing radio talk host Dick Farrell, who 10 days earlier, called Anthony Fauci a “power-tripping lying freak” and mocked the pandemic as a “scamdemic” …died of Covid! Then, not to be outdone …Texas GOP official H. Scott Apley, an anti-mask and anti-vaxxer who wrote an invitation to a “mask burning” and mocked Covid …died 5 days later, from Covid!

The unvaccinated, anti-vaxxers, and Covid deniers all over the country are now sick & dying right and left from Covid-19 …while totally incompetent super-spreading idiots like Rand Paul keep pushing his supporters to become bigger idiots than they already are, calling for “civil disobedience” and saying; “No one should follow the CDC mandate” “it’s time to ‘resist’ common sense health problems”!

And this, from the same man who for 16 months did not reveal an inside trade, accounting for a slew of stock he bought in a Covid treatment center …so, for Mr. Paul? the more people resist, the more people will get sick, and the more money Mr. Paul makes!

Resist “common sense”?!?! …if it comes down to believing that BS? Maybe it takes getting infected, intubated, and placed on a mechanical ventilator to change their tune …unfortunately, you still have those just too ignorant, who do get infected and still refuse to get vaccinated. Resist common sense? Something might be lost in translation, but if it comes down to that …they’ll deserve what they get!

If things are not bad enough? …now, we have the GOP promoting the excuse of “freedom of speech” rhetoric to allow their supporters to use threats of bodily harm …primarily, by the Proud Boys …shouting and threatening doctors, nurses, and other health professionals, in front of their own homes, telling them; “we know who you are, we’re going get you!”, as a way for them to stop treating the sick! Give them a break! …all they’re trying to do is save lives, probably, your own rotten life too.

An elementary school teacher was attacked by an angry parent for having the audacity of protecting his little daughter! More Proud Boys carrying MAGA Trump flags stabbed a pro-mask supporter at an Anti-Vaxxer rally, and beat up 2 news reporters …Frank Stoltze of NPR was repeatedly kicked and beaten up & Tina Desiree Berg was attacked, beaten, and had her mask torn off by her attacker, Tony Moon …another Jan. 6th Capital rioter, all caught on camera.

There’s really no excuse! …all this is not about your “Freedom”, free not to get vaccinated or not wear a mask, it’s not about mandates or requirements, it’s totally a sham perpetrated by Republicans using the pandemic to raise money for their own selfish non-medical gains …professional propagandist Tucker Carlson said the “US Government wants to ‘force’ us to get vaccinated, force us to take medicine, even force us to get ‘sterilized’ like in WWII Germany” …” no one owns my body”!

This is a man who says he’s against Anti-Fascism (Antifa) …which makes him a Pro Fascist! The same Fascists that believe in “forced sterilization”, and the belief in the use of Eugenics. “No one owns my body?” …except if that someone is a woman who wants an abortion, then, he believes in owning ‘her’ body for life!

Fact: there are no US Government mandates or requirements ordering anyone to get vaccinated or wear a mask, whatsoever! No one is forcing anyone to take any type of medicine! Yes, you do have the constitutional right to reject all medicines and vaccines …and yes, you also have the freedom and the right to die for not taking care of yourself or not listening to medical advice!

When will people understand just to follow some common sense! listen to medical professionals! listen to all those people tirelessly working their asses off in hospitals 24/7 for more than a year, risking their own lives while trying to save even just one life?…the life that might very well be you, someday! No one is more bipartisan than doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and others who are not looking at, and don’t give a damn what political party you belong to, what ideology you have, what color is your skin, or where you came from!

When will people understand the severity of this virus? 93% of all the Covid variants in the United States are Delta! …which is a highly transmissible variant. The newest Lambda variant is now coming out from South America, and it already arrived in California. All you have to do is listen! …the more people let these variants go rampant, the more these viruses are going to mutate, thus creating much worse and more dangerous strains!

All these unvaccinated anti-mask & anti-vaxxers, Covid deniers, all these enraged parents who keep having violent meltdowns because they and/or their children are being forced to wear a mask, they all need to understand It’s not just to protect yourself and your child …it’s to protect others. If you’re sick, or maybe even dying …why would you want to go to a hospital if you can’t trust those doctors for medical advice? You can’t have it both ways!

No one has said it any better than Arnold Schwarzenegger; “Screw your freedom! …with Freedom comes Obligation & Responsibility”!

Is it the right of a parent…in the name of “Freedom”…to endanger the life of his or her child? In any other time, that would be considered child abuse, and Child Enforcement would be knocking at your door quicker than you can say Dept. of Children & Families! And what about viewing it from the child’s mind? How much has their childhood social cognition, developed? Does he or she understand what this commotion is all about? and how do they feel about it? …or, if all they know and feel is; what the hell is going on?

As a parent, it’s your moral & legal obligation to take care of your kids …it’s your personal responsibility as a parent not to be a piece of shit, so your kids wouldn’t have to inherit that legacy.

As far as the grown-ups of all persuasions, all races, all colors, or creeds…grow up! As a citizen of this country, it’s your moral & legal obligation to work with your community to keep it safe for everyone! It’s your moral responsibility to protect your kids & your family, protect your neighbors’ kids and their families, and protect your community from a deadly disease …so get vaccinated! …and wear a damn mask!

Freedom? Sorry! You’re not going to be free in any way till this pandemic is completely under control …so live with it!

Will Rogers said; “You can’t legislate intelligence and common sense into people”

In the end, if you can’t convince ignorance …you just have to let them sink or swim on their own miseries and mistakes. You can be as compassionate & sympathetic as you can, but sooner or later …people are not going to give a damn about your freedom …or whether you live or die, anymore!

Meanwhile, screw others’ “freedom” and be smart …stay vaccinated and just keep wearing your mask!

[astharoshebarvon]

Good books

Almost a year later, I finally got Ten Count volume 6. I had to give myself a pep talk that it doesn’t matter if the bitch is part of the volume, just forget about her horrendous self.

In the end, my love for Kurose and Shirotani won and I bought it.

I am just so happy to have it in my hands!!! I love this manga so much! I can’t put into words how much I adore this series.

I also got Ameiro Paradox/ Candy Colour Paradox because I love that too. It’s funny as hell and is a wonderful read.

Did I mention how excited I am for Ten Count anime and Given movie? I can’t tell how thrilled I am that Given is getting a movie. I don’t know how many times I cried seeing Given anime, and the lyrics of the title song— just drive a knife through my heart why don’t you.

Fair warning, I am going to vent now. These are just some things which I don’t like in the slightest in stories and fandoms. If someone does, fine. Just remember, everyone doesn’t.

Let’s start with Ten Count. I saw some comments on a manga site that literally said the bitch ( I am not going to dignify her with a name. The slut doesn’t deserve it )  looked nice standing next to Kurose.

–She is cute even if she is evil.

–Yeah, I get what you mean. They look nice together.

I was shocked. I was so shocked. I was at a loss for words. Just because she is a girl some people are ready to forgive her for what she did and say ridiculous things like these. She ruined Shirotani in every way possible. How can someone even say that? I can’t put into words how disgusted I felt when I read that.

Do people even realise what OCD is? It’s not something to laugh about. What she and Shirotani’s father did, it wasn’t okay. I am glad Shirotani at least got the courage to talk to his father but that doesn’t erase the father was in the wrong too. Wasn’t he fucking a student?

My main problem is, why can’t people accept that some female characters are horrible?  What’s with this crap of not calling bad fem characters bad? And she wasn’t even good looking, she was creepy.

The girlfriend of Halstead in Kyou Koi wo Hajimemasu, she was a monster. She actually said Kyouta tried to force himself on her when he didn’t do shit. She was the one coming onto him like some slag. She destroyed two boys friendship and what, we shouldn’t say she was bad because she is a girl. She was horrible.

I adore Hinohara Meguru’s works, I really do. I love love love Secret XXX and I am definitely going to buy it next April when it’s released. I adore Itsuki and Shouhei so much !!!

I will buy Therapy Game too because I love it. I am hoping Kamisama will be licensed soon. I really want to buy it. Rin is so darn nice, he has to be with Chiharu.

But whatever nonsense that was shown between Yuka and Shizuma—it’s unrealistic.

People don’t even look at people like Yuka after they break up with them. Regardless of the fact they are in same college or work at a same place.

It’s pathetic at best the way Shizuma says he is weak to her voice.

Not to mention she was a fucking stalker and what? They are friends? Even after what she did?

She was sleeping with someone else and they are still friends. She cheated on him, hurt him emotionally, hurt his feelings and he still talks to her.

Wow.

That’s not how the world works for any relationship.

Get out of here.

She was a bitch and I have a very bad feeling she and Shizuma’s other coworkers will create problems for him and Minato in the sequel being serialised now. Minato was so uncomfortable in the first chapter.

I don’t understand why no one said this is not reality. This is stupid.

If you want to defend female characters even if they are horrible and bad, fine.

But then, you shouldn’t write things like these :  “This shows reality of gay couples.”

Pick up any tragic yaoi/shonen ai where one half of a couple marries a woman and the other is left alone. The reviews of the story have this line.

Those works are praised and applauded. Why? Is that really the reality of all same sex couples? Or are you just happy that one male got to be with a female.

If some people like reality so much, they should just go and see the news.

This reality factor isn’t present when female characters do horrendous shit (Yuka’s case). I didn’t see people saying, this is bull. Why does he even talk to her? And what the fuck does he mean by he is weak to her voice?

Dude, seriously. She cheated on you and you are weak to her voice????

This nonsense is present everywhere. Movies, books, novels, anime, manga.

Take Vampire knight for example. 

The author should have been honest and said somewhere along the line she started shipping Zero and Kaname, but since Yuuki is the main girl she couldn’t put the two boys together. Zero/Kaname is a far better ship than Zeki or whatever Airen thing the author is trying to show now. It’s laughable at best, both Zeki and Airen.

I don’t like Ai, she loved Zero and now she is after his daughter. It’s weird.

Just because Ai is yume’s daughter doesn’t mean she is wonderful. I don’t like her or Ren.

You know what, it’s not even about like. I feel nothing for them. When I saw the new cover, I was like, yeah, it’s very pretty, and it’s very sweet. I am going to save the larger version when it becomes available.

That’s it.  I could care less whether they are together or not. 

 Maybe there is a reason for Ai’s stupidity. She was raised among losers like Ruka and Aidou. Is it any wonder she ended up being weird as hell?

Ruka Souen was a horrible character, she was disgusting and I don’t understand why her husband, Akatsuki always threatened Kaname instead of talking to his oh so great love.

Dude, tell your girl to stop trying to get another woman’s man’s attention. Kaname doesn’t give a fuck about anyone except Yuuki Kuran, his love of life.

Ruka and Aidou were pathetic. The fucker even encouraged Zero to take Yuuki from Kaname, and this was supposed to be Kaname’s friend.

Yeah right. Hell, all of Kaname’s so called friends told Zero and Yuuki to get together, except, Takuma.

Have I mentioned how much I love the guy? He is the only real friend of Kaname. He had guts to say to both Zero and Yuuki what would they do if he said he had some reservations about their relationship. He brushed it off later though but at least he said it.

Except for Yuuki, Takuma and Seiren, Kaname held no feelings for anyone in this whole goddamn manga.

The only reason I am still reading this series is because I want my Yume happy ending.

Canon is shitty many times. Don’t force people to like a story or a movie. Or everything that happens in a story. Sometimes one just doesn’t like some things.

Whatever nonsense that was shown in avengers endgame (Steve–Peggy ). That was disgusting. It made my mother and me so uncomfortable that we didn’t even bother going and seeing the movie again. I saw infinity war twice but endgame – it was a horror fest.

If the movie makers wanted to show Steve with a woman that badly, well, Sharon and Natasha were right there. Why Peggy? It didn’t make sense and came off as creepy and gross. We get it, they became so scared of Stucky’s popularity that they had to show Steve with a woman. We get it.

For all three CA movies, Steve was all Bucky, Bucky, and Bucky. That’s it.

And he didn’t even talk to him in endgame. Right.

Steve/Nat was a good ship, they could have been together but what we got was some gross uncle - aunt - niece shit. Steve kissed Sharon right after Peggy’s funeral, that’s a fact. Where did his love go then?

Then again, this is the same character (Steve Rogers) who married female Tony Stark in one universe but otherwise fights with all male Tony’s.

God, could the writers get any more homophobic? Or maybe Steve saw Natasha Stark as a replacement for Peggy Carter too. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. Brunettes, women.

Yeah, that does make sense.

That’s why I hate when people genderbent one half of a slash couple. It’s inherently homophobic. Stop trying to justify your reasons. Don’t give ridiculous excuses like you wanted diversity and all that crap. You are only making yourself look stupid and dumb.

This rubbish need for diversity never arose with FM couples. So, please don’t.

Where are Female Tony and Male Pepper fics, where are Female Clint and Male Natasha fics? Oh, sorry, they don’t exist. Neither do female Tony and Pepper.

If they do, they aren’t that popular. And I am sure female Clint and Natasha doesn’t exist.

But one can find plenty female Bilbo, female Harry, female Tony fics. All these OC females paired with males. They are OFC. They aren’t real.

Some people just can’t accept them (Thorin/Bilbo, Steve/ Tony) as an MM slash ship so they change their gender.

It’s MM Slash. No matter how many times you write in fics, this is Fem Harry, this is Fem Tony, Harry is a girl. This is not slash in capitals.

Stop.

You are only coming off as desperate, nothing more.

Stop trying to undermine the MM slash ship. It’s a slash ship, it will always be slash.

Is there any female Ron and male Hermione story? Yeah, Granger wouldn’t look like a God now would she if Male Hermione attacked female Ron because Ron didn’t want to date him?

Another example.

Let’s turn Merope Gaunt into a man and have him rape Tom Riddle Sr who is a female. No one would give a fuck if Merope was abused then. Merope raped Tom Riddle Sr and I am still astounded by the fact she was portrayed as a tragic figure while Tom Riddle Sr was shown as arrogant.

Excuse me?

Nobody cared about him in the books. Did he deserve to get raped for months by Merope because he was what? A man? Arrogant? Fuck off.

Since she was abused that gave her the freedom to douse the man with Amortentia for months to make herself happy. What rubbish excuse is that?

He owed her nothing. If she was abused, that doesn’t mean he was obligated to like her or care for her. And after what she did to him, he made a wise decision to run away from her.

Merope Gaunt traumatized Tom Riddle Sr. The man never married, even after escaping from her. His fate was even worse than Merope’s.

I can’t believe that this was completely swept under the rug. No one felt sorry for the man. All sympathies were for Merope.

Many things in HP don’t make sense. Couples, characters, their decisions etc.

Its fine if many people love it but there are many who don’t like it too. Stop trying to tell everyone what they should like or not. If someone doesn’t, respect that.

Genderbending one half of a slash couple is annoying and irritating. It’s homophobic and will remain that. All the dominant male keeps on saying in those dumb fics is how much they want to fuck the female/genderment male or are enamored with her chest and body. It’s revolting to even read that.

And of course they want lots of babies. That’s a must. Hetero sex and babies. That’s the crux of almost all gender bent fics. The dominant male wants to see the OFC with his babies.

Great!

Slash haters don’t hate this, do they? Isn’t this fetishizing female anatomy? Or have you actually deluded yourself into thinking female Bilbo and female Harry exists. 

They don’t.

Harry Potter is a boy, so is Bilbo Baggins. Hell, Tony Stark is a man except for in one universe.

Steve can’t fall in love with Tony if he is a male. What did he fell for then? Fem Tony’s body?

Gender bent isn’t even crack, its worse than crack. Either these original character females are docile and nice or are BAMF’s like anything.

And don’t say don’t read if you don’t like it. Why not? Why shouldn’t we make fun of these stories?

These same people have the audacity to whine about slash ships on many platforms. Even in FM stories MM is not shown as something normal. I’ve come across many FM stories which literally made me want to throw something at the screen. Some were blatantly insulting to same sex relationships.

And let’s not forget genderbent FM stories which have this rubbish line: we are okay with fem slash, but not with MM slash.

Okay, fine. Good.

What the hell does that even mean?

Hmm, maybe that’s why genderbent FF couples don’t exist. This change is only meant for MM.

Right. Wonderful.

Yikes !

This ridiculous sentence is written on many fic writers profile and these same people changed one half of a MM slash couple into a female, with this lovely sentence at the beginning of their stories: This is not slash. It’s not SLASH. We can’t stress enough, it’s not slash!

How many times do these people  have to tell themselves that it’s not slash?

It’s MM slash and will always be that.

[illneverrecover]

Omg!!! 33. Gang AU, Jungkook...

(for my milestone drabble game)

Forreal Love

➛pairing: gang member tattooed Jungkook x reader ➛genre: gang!AU, fluff, humor➛word count: 1757 (I know, I know)➛rating: Teen+➛warnings: some cursing, mild adult themes, but mostly two crackheads in love with each other.➛prompt: “We really need to stop race-walking everywhere” + Jungkook➛notes: I don’t know why I decided Jungkook needed tattoos. It wasn’t part of the prompt. I’m just like this. Also, I’m high key in love with this Kook with this reader. You’re amazing inspiration, @uwugguks. I hope you like this. ♡ #TeamQuinnkook

“When will you admit that I could totally do your job?”

“I don’t know, when will you stop asking?” 

Jungkook has one tattooed arm slung over your shoulders, hips bumping every other step as you walked home together. Twin cones of mint chocolate ice cream melt around heated tongues, the double scoops excessive but he had insisted. What kind of boyfriend would he be if he had only sprung for one scoop? A shitty one, that’s for sure. 

You turn to look at him, eyes tracing up the swirls of black ink on his neck to appreciate the chiseled line of his jaw, the perfect silhouette of his nose. Jungkook was beautiful, with or without the tattoos, but you’d be lying if you said they hadn’t caught your eye when you first met. 

You had met Jungkook while being robbed.

It wasn’t him doing the robbing (not even of your heart, as he liked to continually joke), but some lowlife who thought you made an easy target for a purse snatching on your way home from work, ripping the bag from your arms before taking off. You had been in a tight pursuit, even in your heels - but it wasn’t until a tall figure stepped out and grabbed the guy by the collar that you had been able to catch up. Your savior had been dressed in all black, clothes baggy and yet somehow still flattering his lean muscles, ink decorating his arms and neck. A single hoop hung from his nose, messy dark hair hanging low in his eyes as he gave the offender a disarming smirk.

“That’s not yours, is it? You don’t look like the Burberry type.” His voice was playful if not a tinge intimidating as he pressed the thief against the brick harder, not even breaking a sweat. “Give the lady her bag, and I’ll let you go without beating your face in. Or, I can let the leader of Bangtan know that we have a new enemy on the streets.” 

The threat was plain, though the words hadn’t make sense to you - not at the time. They had worked like a charm on burglar though, fear widening his eyes as he had shoved the purse back in your arms before racing off in the opposite direction. 

“I had that handled, you know.” It was a fib - you had only had the situation sort of under control, in that you maintain you could’ve given a police sketch artist a pretty solid description. But there was something about this handsome stranger that made you want to prove yourself.

His answering laugh was breathtaking, eyes swimming with mirth, lips stretching over slightly over-sized yet charming front teeth. He was one of the hottest men you had ever seen, and you couldn’t tear your eyes away even if you had been paid to. 

“Oh, I could totally tell. Thank you for allowing me the courtesy of assisting such a beautiful woman,” he smirked, a contradictory blush flushing up his cheeks. He was all smug confidence mixed lightly with awkward shyness, and it made him even more endearing to you.

So much so, that he had no trouble convincing you to go out on a date with him.

So much so that finding out that he was part of a gang - Bangtan Sonyeondan, or just Bangtan for short - barely made you bat an eye.

Well, except for the fact that he would never let you fucking help.  

You pretend to ponder his current question, a lithe digit tapping at your chin. “Hmm, let me think - oh, that’s right. Never. I’m never going to stop asking.”

Jungkook chuckles, pulling you into his side tighter, his scent of fresh linen and soap tickling your nose. “Well then, there’s my answer for when I’m going to let you help.”

You had heard it all at this point. ‘It was too dangerous’, he’d say. ‘I want you to be safe’, he’d insist. And while you appreciate the fact that your gangster boyfriend worried about your well-being, you hated that he seemed to undermine just how self sufficient you really were.

You were strong. You were powerful. And you could handle your own shit, god dammit.

“Jungkooook,” you whine, switching tactics to give him your finest pout. “Just let me help on one job. Just one! That’s all I’m asking for!” Pleading eyes looked up at his own, and he seemed to be lost in thought. “I’ll even let you pick what the job is, so that you can make sure it’s ‘safe’, or whatever other macho shit you insist on doing. Please?”

Finishing his cone, he licks the lingering melted treat off his fingers, contemplating your offer. You were about to kick the brooding into high gear when he spoke again, nodding. “Alright, fine. I’ll let you come with me - on one errand,  you aren’t ready for jobs quite yet - of my choosing. You’ll listen to me and follow my lead. Deal?”

Squealing, you jumped into his arms, giggling as he immediately grasped your ass to encourage your legs to wrap around his form. Pressing rapid kisses to every available inch of skin on his face, you pull away only once he laughs at your enthusiasm. “Deal!”

You should’ve known he wouldn’t take you seriously.

He was doubled over, holding his stomach as his high pitched laughter echoed off the alley walls, tears welling and threatening to spill down his face. 

“Seriously, babe? This is how you thought you should dress?”

Giving yourself a quick scan, you raise an eyebrow at him. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? I think I look badass, personally.” 

Jungkook is still giggling, wiping his eyes as he reaches for you. “You do look badass, baby. I’m just not sure why you thought you needed to wear all black, a leather coat, and shit kickers to go on an errand at 10 am,” 

“To get in the right mindset of handling business!” you slap at his arm, a feeble attempt at stopping him from entangling around your waist. He rests his head on your shoulder, and you narrow your eyes - not that he could see from this angle. “It’s not like I knew what we were doing today.” 

He starts to walk, dragging you between his legs since he refused to release you. “I like it. My tough girlfriend, ready to kick ass and take names. Are you sure you aren’t going to start your own gang?” 

Rolling your eyes, you pinch his inner arm, smirking when he relinquished his hold with a yelp. “Fuck you. Let’s go.” 

You start walking, letting your irritation fuel your legs as you take wide strides down the sidewalk, not looking to ensure he was following. You didn’t care. You could do this, and you didn’t need your stupid, gorgeous boyfriend in order to do so. 

With a shake of his head, Jungkook jogs until he reaches your side, turning to stroll backwards so he could look at your adorable expression. You were huffing; all pouty lips and stern, determined eyes, and he had to stop himself from dragging you down an abandoned street to show you the meaning of the word fuck. God, he was wholly, stupidly in love with you. 

“We really need to stop race-walking everywhere. Your legs are too long, it’s almost cheating.” 

Snorting, you give in and look up at him. “Get good then, you weeb.”

“Hey!” he yells, faux indignation pulling his eyebrows down into a serious smirk. “You said you liked my anime!” 

Jungkook ended up promising three massages and one date of your choosing just to get you to forgive his teasing and speak to him again. He had shouted joyously at the victory, like he was getting off easy, but the truth is he would’ve done anything you had asked. His heart, the world, his life - it was all yours as far as he was concerned. The brotherhood of the gang may have been the only family he had known, but that was before you. He’d give it all up for you, if you said the word.

Luckily for him, he knew you’d never ask that. Instead of his ties scaring you away, it seemed to pull you in, to trigger your competitive and protective side. Jungkook found your confidence and fearlessness so sexy, but that didn’t mean he’d let you ever face any sort of real danger.

Which is why he almost expected the punch on his shoulder when you had arrived in front of the bakery. 

“What the fuck is this, Jungkook?”

“Well, baby, it appears to be some sort of bakery, a patisserie, if you would-”

You elbow him again, if only to wipe the boastful grin off his face. “I can see that, you dingus. Care to tell me why we’re at a patisserie?”

“For the errand. Namjoon asked me to take you here and let you pick out your favorite kind of cheesecake. Whatever your heart desires.” He was practically beaming, bouncing from side to side to burn off the nervous energy. 

The sigh that left your lungs could be considered dramatic, if you were the type to worry about that sort of thing. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you inhale deeply before meeting his mischievous brown gaze. “And why would Namjoon tell you to do that?”

Instead of answering, Jungkook moves to step into your inseam, palms cupping your face like you were the most delicate of glass. Gone was the cocky grin, and in its place was pure, unfiltered adoration. 

“To thank you. For accepting me, and them. For always wanting to fight for us, even if you don’t know what you’re fighting for,” his mouth curves in a smirk, tongue swiping at his bottom lip. “And for loving me. For letting me love you.” 

He leans in then, lips pressing against yours so deep you swore you were drowning. He gasps softly, tipping his head to the side to deepen the kiss, to swipe his tongue alongside your own. No matter how many times he had tasted you, he always wanted more - a little more of your sweetness, a little more of your hunger. 

It was several minutes before you gained the strength to pull away, mouths spit slick and reddened, still dizzy from his touch. Your hand rose to smooth through his long dark hair, resting at his nape, resisting the urge to tug.

“I love you, Jungkook.” 

“I love you too, baby.” He pecks the corner of your mouth, digits sliding down to intertwine your hand with his own. “Should we go finish the errand? Don’t want to make the boss man mad.” 

Scoffing, eyes rolling once more, you yank him towards the door, ignoring his muffled laughter.  “I don’t know, that sounds pretty promising. Think Namjoon would let me kick your ass if I asked?”

[cameoamalthea]

The Traveler: Abusive, Gaslighting and Toxic or Flawed Character Critical Role E2103 SPOILERS

I will preface this by saying, as a survivor of abuse living with C-PTSD, I understand triggers and respect the feelings of anyone who was uncomfortable or upset by the way Artagan spoke to Jester. 

Many in the chat commented things along the line of ‘he sounds like an abusive boyfriend” “toxic” “gas lighter”. 

And to be honest, it’s fantastic that fans are able to recognize warning signs of abusive behavior. Fiction, even deeply flawed problematic fiction that actively romanticizes abuse (cough, Twilight, cough), is a great starting point to discus if a relationship presented is healthy and learn the skills to recognize red flags. 

“Is that relationship healthy/abusive?” is a great question to ask about fictional relationships because analyzing the behaviors will give you tools to notice if your friends or partners are behaving in toxic ways and to evaluate if someone should be in your life.

That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy fictional relationships in media that aren’t healthy. You can. Fiction is also a place to just enjoy fantasies, including danger. Whether that danger is something, like a dragon or a relationship with a power imbalance, like a dragon but a really sexy dragon that is dating the protagonist. 

It’s just important to recognize what wouldn’t be ok in real life, especially if it’s something certain romance books have presented as super deep love and stuff (cough, Fifty Shades of Gray, cough) when in real life, that’s abuse. 

So let’s talk about Artagan’s behavior in Critical Role E2C103:

Let’s start by defining some terms:

Abuse: treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. (source)

Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity (source)

Toxic: any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness. (source)

Unhealthy: relationships where people may feel anxious, confused, uncertain and even unsafe (source - also great resource you guys!)

The relationship between Jester and Artagan, as it currently stands, is certainly unhealthy. He is not open and honest with her, leaving her to feel anxious, confused and uncertain. He knowingly put her in an unsafe situation without her consent (you cannot consent unless you are informed of everything you’re agreeing to ahead of time). Putting someone in a situation where they don’t feel comfortable is toxic and abusive. 

Every person has a right to control their own body and comfort. It’s not ok for anyone to make you do something against your will, including by omitting information.

Ex) You agreed to go somewhere with someone but they decide that the trip is going to be longer, leaving you feeling trapped because you want to leave and did not agree to this. Even if this longer trip poses no risk to you, you did not agree to it. 

Artagan should have told Jester about the dangers posed by the island before hand. 

Game wise, he couldn’t do that because Matt Mercer’s plan was to trap the characters in a dangerous situation they could not escape or work around and had to face head on.  As a DM he is playing a game where everyone playing consented to allow him to put their characters in danger because pretend danger can be fun (thrill rides, haunted houses, etc). The players have been very good at cleverly thinking their way around problems, which is fair and also good playing. Outsmart the Hag, outrun the Dragon Turtle, but Matt wanted to build his players a trap they could not escape, that would be challenging and scary. Because the object of the game for Matt Mercer is to give his players an exciting story and make their characters heroes.

Narratively, he didn’t because Artagan is a fey and does not have the same levels of capacity for empathy. It likely never occurred to him that Jester would be hurt because if she forgot herself on the island and joined the cult he would simply taker and those she cared about back to safety. In his mind, he has nothing to worry about in terms of her safety so she has nothing to worry about.

‘I’m not worried, so you shouldn’t be worried either.’ Is a toxic mindset because it invalidates another person’s feelings. You cannot control how anyone else feels and you should not force anyone into anything they don’t agree to even if it wouldn’t bother you. You have to ask them. 

Which brings us to gaslighting. A form of abuse where the abuser goes beyond not acknowledging the other person’s feelings or taking their feelings into consideration, to actively trying to manipulate them into questioning their own reality. 

Beyond ‘I did something without taking your feelings into consideration and now you’re hurt but it’s not my fault because I didn’t mean to hurt you’ to “What do you mean I did something, that never happened” or “What do you mean I didn’t take your feelings into consideration, we talked about this and you said you were fine, it’s not my fault you don’t remember that.” 

Examples of Gaslighting language:

1. “If you were paying attention…”

2. “If you were listening…”

3. “If you knew how to listen…”

4. “We talked about this. Don’t you remember?”

5. “I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember.”

6. “You need to learn to communicate better.”

7. “You’re being irrational.”

8. “Don’t you think you’re over-reacting?”

9. “You’re just over-sensitive.”

10. “Stop being so sensitive.”

11. “You’re too emotional.”

12. “You can’t take a joke.”

13. “You’re so thin-skinned.”

14. “You always jump to the wrong conclusion.”

15. “Stop taking everything I say so seriously.”

16. “Can you hear yourself?”

17. “I criticize you because I like you.”

18. “You’re the only person I have these problems with.”

19. “You’re reading too much into this.”

20. “I’m not arguing; I’m discussing.”

21. “I know what you’re thinking.”

22. “You should have known that this was not a good time to talk.”

23. “Why are you upset? I was only kidding.”

24. “Why would you think that? What does that say about you?”

(source) 

Gaslighting goes beyond failing to validate someone’s feelings “I’m sorry you feel that way” to actively invalidating their feelings “Why do you feel that way, you have no reason to”  However, the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” also known as a “non-apology apology” can itself be be gaslighting in certain contexts as it “may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.” However, a non-apology in personal relationships is not always gaslighting.

“Statements that use the word "sorry" but do not express responsibility for wrongdoing may be meaningful expressions of regret.

But

such statements can also be used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging fault.” Not taking responsibility for how your actions impact others is manipulative, wanting forgiveness without accepting fault and realizing what you did wrong so that you won’t do it again.

Artagan is ABSOLUTELY an irresponsible person. He hates responsibility and is actively working to get out of his responsibilities (which is ironic, working to avoid work). He has never had to take responsibility for anything, even feeling regret may well be against his nature as a fey. He does not know how to apologize and he does need to learn. 

Because it doesn’t matter that he did not mean to scare Jester, he did scare her. He scared her so much that he brought her to tears. If he does not recognize fault he cannot change the behavior that led to hurting her int he first place i.e. saying I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I should have told you implies in the future he will tell her. 

Healthy relationships take work and a willingness to work on changing your own behavior. 

Refusing to take responsibility can absolutely be a sign of gaslighting. (source) Especially, if responsibility is shifted onto the victim. 

That said, failure to apologize the right way can also be a sign that someone does not know how to apologize or take responsibility. That is something that has to be learned. 

Saying “I’m sorry you’re hurt” can be rooted in empathy, you regret that the person is hurt and can even be appropriate if it is not your responsibility.

Now here’s where things get complicated. Other people’s feelings are not always your responsibility. 

This is important because as stated above, abusers may shift responsibility onto the victim. i.e. ‘Now you’re crying, can’t you see how much that’s upsetting me? Why are you trying to make me feel bad? Why do you want to hurt me?”

Making a victim feel guilty can be a tool abusers use to control their victim and keep them in the relationship or keep them silent about the abuse. Victims can be trained to see it as their job to make sure others are always happy and take responsibility for other people’s emotion. ‘I’m sorry I upset you,’ says the victim. 

A healthy relationship is not simply taking responsibility is someone else is hurt. It’s knowing when to take responsibility and when to set a boundary because the other person’s feelings aren’t reasonable.

For example, “I can’t believe went out with your other friends tonight. I thought I was important to you. Why do you need any other friends, I should be enough. I’m really hurt.”

The correct response is absolutely “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I am allowed to have other relationships.” 

You should absolutely NOT validate the idea that you don’t need anyone else and should have put them first. 

If someone is asking you to do something that is harmful to you because it hurts them if you don’t agree, that’s not your problem. 

Everyone has to learn to take responsibility for their own emotions, because there are times where a person’s feelings are something they need to work on. 

The “non-apology apology” runs the gambit from gaslighting (suggesting the feelings are irrational), to avoiding responsibility and making yourself the victim, to failing to take responsibility and understand what you did wrong, to appropriate depending on the circumstances. 

It’s not black and white, and we must be careful to avoid black and white thinking as that itself can lead to unhealthy or even toxic behaviors. (source). And because behaviors like “suddenly moving people from the “good person” category to the “bad person” category” are unhealthy, I think it’s useful to examine our response when fictional characters have flaws. It can provide a space to examine our feelings and behaviors.

Setting boundaries and leaving unhealthy relationships is an important skill, of course, but so avoiding dichotomous thinking. 

“Dichotomous thinking often shifts between idealizing and devaluing others. Being in a relationship with someone who thinks in extremes can be really difficult because of the repeated cycles of emotional upheaval.” (Id.) 

Many read Artagan’s response to Jester as gaslighting. However, it falls more towards the avoiding responsibility part of the spectrum. 

That’s not healthy. Artagan should have taken responsibility. 

“Please don’t ever think I’m not looking out for your best interests” 

“Oh dear thing, I don’t mean to put you through this.”

“I’m sorry if you felt abandoned”

Is not taking responsibility. He did put her through this and hurt her, he did leave her in a situation where she feared he would abandon her and doubted if he was looking out for her best interests because he did not communicate. 

That said, the conversation does not cross into gas-lighting because he does not invalidate the way Jester feels. 

He takes action to address her concerns: Making a Binding Promise, a fey promise is like a devil’s contract. It’s deep unbreakable magic and not something a fey would give for nothing, but he does, freely, because he recognizes that she needs assurance that he will look out for her. 

He takes responsibility.

“You’re right, I should have been a little more forthright with you with information.”

Yeah, he should have, and Jester calls him on it. She’s there for extra days, meaning more danger, because he did not warn her. When she realizes she’s yelling at him, she apologizes and he says:

“It’s alright.”

He does not invalidate that she’s upset and it’s fair thats she’s yelling at him. Instead he focuses on addressing what’s upsetting her i.e. fear of losing her memory and being left on an island enslaved to a monster

“I would have come back.” 

And she’s ok, and she knows it’s the truth because he has promised her to come back and in this fantasy fey rules context, that means he cannot break his word.  In real life, promising is not enough because actions show change and that takes time. And it is important to remember that abusers aren’t 100% awful all the time. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period. However, in the context of analyzing this scene Artagan making a promise is itself an action taken.  He has a long way to be a good friend and what he did was wrong and his initial responses do not take responsibility. He should have said, from the start. 

“I did not plan to leave you here. I will always look out for your best interests. I’m sorry I was not more forthright with you with information and put you in a frightening situation. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I have not been there for you in the way you need.”

And while he did take responsibility and acknowledge what he did wrong, he didn’t accompany that with an I’m sorry. 

To me, that comes down more on the side of flawed character rather than irredeemable abusive/toxic/gas-lighter. 

Admitting you were wrong and the other person is right is the opposite of gas lighting and Artagan did that. 

[takingcourage]

Detected

Pairing: Jaime x MC (I do write for other pairings. I promise)

Word Count: 1,600

Summary: Sometimes the ability to read minds makes it difficult to keep secrets. 

Note: This story was written as part of my 150 Followers Celebration and fulfills kiss prompt #15 (Kissing someone to stop them blurting out a secret/something they’ll regret). 

Your lunch has arrived! And your boyfriend too. 😉

Arden’s phone screen lit with the incoming text, and her face followed suit as she read. When Jaime had suggested coming by the studio to have a meal together during the middle of the week, he couldn’t have expected just how hectic her morning might have been, nor what a reprieve it would be for her to spend a few minutes of time with him in the midst of copy deadlines and interviews and research…

She proofed her email one final time, pressed send, and rose from her chair to meet Jaime in the entry. They’d managed to keep their newfound romance from her coworkers for the past couple of weeks, and she wasn’t in any hurry to change anyone’s perceptions. It wasn’t that she had any qualms about dating Jaime. If anything, the relationship made her look good. But for the moment it was just simpler this way. She still wasn’t sure how seriously Alec took her in her new role, but she was fairly certain that being at the root of office drama wasn’t going to improve the interactions she had with her boss.

Grabbing her phone and keys, she left the desk and turned the corner out of the writing room, headed for the hallway and the outer door that led to the lobby of the building.

“Gale?” Alec’s voice curbed her step and she turned on her heel to face him. “I’ve said it before, but get rid of those shoes. They look like you pulled them off a thrift-store mannequin.”

I don’t think thrift-store mannequins have feet… at least they don’t in the ones I’ve been to. Alec’s really stretching today. Tony's voice popped into Arden’s mind, and she had to fight the urge to giggle at her coworker’s observation.

For a moment, all Arden could do was blink, trying to take both comments in stride. By the time she spoke, most of the edge had gone out of her voice. “I’m not getting rid of them, but I will try not to wear them on camera again.” Playing nice with Alec always meant walking the fine line between caving and fighting an unnecessary battle. 

“See that you don’t. You’re the new face of Northbridge News, Gale. Don’t make me regret promoting you.”

Somebody needs to say something to this jerk. If he thinks he can keep demeaning her like this, he’s got another thing coming.

This time, the voice wasn’t Tony’s, Arden realized with a panic. She pivoted toward the sound to see Jaime taking the hallway in long strides.

"What's your boyfriend doing here, Gale?" Alec's face contorted into its signature sneer as he turned questioning eyes on her.

I've got this, Arden.

But the flash of anger in Jaime's eyes sent her heart to her throat. There was no way this conversation would end well for any of them if she allowed him to speak. Instead, she braced herself and took action.

Jaime was still a step away, so she sprang forward, throwing her arms around his neck. Startled by her sudden burst of affection, he faltered back, arms coming to hold her in place as he caught his balance. 

Their lips met in a kiss, and though she wasn't one for passionate public displays, Arden employed all of her skill to give him a kiss that would wipe all thoughts of Alec from his mind. 

Insistently, her tongue slipped between his open mouth, running along the inside of his lower lip as she pulled him closer. She pushed up on her toes, almost wishing that she'd remembered Alec's footwear recommendations earlier so that she could have the extra inches. 

Jaime made up the distance, bending his head down so that she could reach him easily. If he had been startled by her abrupt beginning, he now played along as though it was something they’d planned in advance. The moment he scraped his teeth against her bottom lip, she knew that his immediate frustrations with Alec had been forgotten. With one final, emphatic smooch, she stepped back, confident in the feeling of a job well done.

Perhaps a little too well done, she mused upon realizing just how lightheaded she was in the aftermath. It was a wonder she remained standing after leaving that kind of embrace.

The absence of her own thoughts did not keep others from piling in, however.

Damn, was all Tony could think.

I knew it! I knew they were dating! courtesy of June

You could have given me some warning, Arden. Not that I'm complaining, but... Jaime’s cheeks were bright red, whether from embarrassment or arousal, she couldn’t tell. 

Only Alec's comments came through with a full voice. "Save the drama for the cameras, Gale. And please get your boyfriend out of my studio. I don't like his face."

"Then it’s fortunate you're not the one dating him, Mr. Burdock," she replied curtly, hearing the objections in the thoughts of her coworkers. She'd take care to see that Jaime left their lunch date with no doubt as to how very much she adored his face, but trotting that information out in front of her boss didn't seem productive. "I'm taking my lunch now. I'll be back in twenty minutes to finish my research for the evening broadcast."

"Fine."

"Woohoo!" June cheered in the background when they clasped hands. "I knew it. Didn't I call this weeks ago, Tony?"

"You did. And I guess that’s what all of that smirking was about back at the library..."

Arden's face turned a deeper shade of scarlet as the voices faded. Jaime wisely remained silent until they'd passed through the building’s front doors, but she could read his concern anyway. 

"What happened back there? I know you weren't planning for anyone at work to find out we were dating until later...."

"I just panicked,” she told him truthfully, finding a seat on one of the benches outside the studio. “And making out with you in front of the whole office seemed preferable to having you throw down the gauntlet at my boss."

I certainly enjoyed it more, his thoughts told her, though he said only, "I'm so sorry, Arden. I didn't mean to put you in that kind of position."

"It's fine," she evaded, flipping open the top of her carryout and stabbing the contents with her fork. "They were going to find out eventually regardless."

"Sure, but I still feel bad. I shouldn't have been so upset with him. I just hate it when people undermine you, Arden."

"I know you do.” Conscious that their time was limited, she piled in a quick bite of pasta. Arden chewed the mouthful with amusement, remembering the many times they’d stood up for one another in the past. He'd never risked the principal’s office except on her behalf. 

“And honestly?” she started again, wiping sauce from the corner of her mouth. “It’s kind of flattering to know that you’re willing to put yourself in danger to keep me out of trouble.” 

Like Burdock poses any great bodily harm...

"Fair point. But I still think we need to establish some parameters. There are just some battles I have to fight on my own, and when it comes to Alec, I'm better off doing it solo."

"Even when he takes advantage of you?"

"Jaime, this is a cutthroat business. It feels even more ruthless after everything that happened with Ellen. If my boss wants to insult my shoes, I'm not going to let it get to me. I’m not going to bow to his every whim, but I am going to do everything I can to prove him wrong when he questions my abilities. I can’t do that if I get myself fired over something dumb.”

"But you know I'm always there on the sidelines, right? And if he crosses any of your lines, Arden, you'd better let me know."

"I promise." She extended a hand to squeeze his shoulder. “Alec Burdock isn’t going to come between me and achieving my dreams.”

“There’s my best girl,” he acknowledged, smiling. 

“I’d better be your only girl,” her voice rose in a faux reprimand. 

“Always.” 

_______________________________________________________________________

“I’m going to have to go back in there soon,” she groaned minutes later, packing up her leftovers.

“Would it help if I went in with you?”

“Ugh. No, I think that would make things worse. And who knows? Maybe some insane story has broken in the last fifteen minutes and everyone’s forgotten about the scene we made.” Her eyebrows arched with an optimism she didn’t feel. 

“They're probably all just jealous that you snagged up such a paragon of masculinity.”

Arden snorted at his self-aggrandizing. “And now I’m starting to question my taste in men...” 

He captured her lips in a kiss. No, you’re not. 

“No, I’m not,” she agreed when he pulled away. “But you’d better not call yourself that ever again.” 

“Noted.” 

“I really do need to get back in there before Alec sends someone out to get me,” she insisted with a glance at her phone screen. 

“I should probably go too. But I’m only a call away if you need me.” 

"It’ll all work out. On the plus side, I can probably get by with at least a peck on the cheek next time you come to visit me at work.”

“I can’t wait.” He gave her a parting kiss before turning toward the parking lot.  

“And Jaime?” She caught him just as he was walking out of earshot. “Before I forget, I like your face.” 

[cruelwritersthesis]

So I just finished ITPS and INAS and humor me here: Tori and Luke in a The Good Place AU. Tori dies and wakes up in Elysium and is being introduced to the neighborhood and whatnot. Luke shows up and when they finally get a moment alone, she's freaking out because She. Didn't. Die. A. Hero. Luke chalks it up to a happy mishap. Antics ensue. Cue them realizing they're actually in the Fields of Punishment and this is just a new way of torturing the dead.

bruuuuuuuuuuuuuh your Mind

yo comedy is so hard to write, for real, but i’m gonna attempt it also thus far my stories have been far from comedies lol

follow meeeeeee~!

[[[spoilers for the good place below bt-dubs]]]

Tori dies and the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes again: “Welcome! Everything is fine.” She can’t remember how she got there, and she’s confused, because wasn’t she supposed to meet Charon? Cross the River Styx? Get in line and wait for her soul to be judged?

She’s sitting an a nice room, fairly minimalist. In one corner there’s a small water feature. To her left, a door opens and a man steps out: “Tori.” He smiles. “Come on in.”

She goes in, not knowing what else there is to do and sit down in one of the chairs in front of a desk, and the man sits down behind the desk.

“I’m Adrian, and I’m the architect of this neighborhood.”

Tori’s even more confused. Neighborhood??? Architect???

Adrian smiles and chuckles. “I can see you’re confused. Elysium is split into neighborhoods, built by immortals like me. And yes, you died.”

Skip to Adrian giving a tour of the neighborhood to Tori: “Three-hundred and twenty-two perfectly matched heroes…” etc.

They come to a stop in front of where Tori will be staying: a ginormous mansion that’s far too big for just her and far too ostentatious. She hates it,,, but it’s Elysium right? Not to mention this neighborhood was supposed to be perfectly crafted to her likes, right???

They go inside and that’s when Adrian drops the bomb: “Oh, and did I mention soulmates exist?” Inside, despite her panic at what’s happening, she feels her heart lift with anticipation. Surely Luke was her soulmate on earth, so he must be her in Elysium [he is, don’t worry, it’s not a plot twist or anything]. Adrian goes on, “Yes, they exist on Earth as well, but the gods decided they didn’t need to give humans a sure-fire way to tell. You were the lucky few who happened to find your soulmate on Earth. It’s always a bit of a mess when someone finds out their soulmate here is not the person they were with on Earth.”

Luke walks through the door then, and Tori can’t help but run up and give him a big hug, tears already in her eyes.

Adrian’s doing his architect act, smiling and all that. “You two must have a lot to catch up on. I’ll leave you to it and meet up with you later. I have some people I’d like to introduce you to, and I have a surprise for Tori. See you both later!”

And despite her happiness at getting to see Luke again, there’s something more pressing, weighing on her chest that she needs to talk to him about immediately.

After making sure Adrian has left, she finds a small broom closet, and just to be safe, checks for any hidden cameras or microphones. All the while Luke is confused and asking Tori what’s going on and what’s wrong. Tori won’t answer until she’s sure they aren’t being watched or listened to.

Finally, she turns to Luke with wide eyes and a look of fear: “I didn’t die a hero. I’m not supposed to be here.” [I could leave it here and be like, Part 2 coming soon! But I won’t.]

Instead of being concerned, Luke just smiles gently and takes her hands into his. “I don’t care if it’s a mistake, I’m just happy to be with you.”

Tori’s caught between wanting it to be some happy, miracle mistake, but the other part of her is worried something could go wrong at any moment. Mistakes didn’t just happen in Elysium, did they? Their souls were judged, how could the judges decide that she belonged somewhere else but send her to Elysium?

She tries to get this across to Luke, but he’s too happy to see her. And she, of course, is happy to see him. But, like most things in her life, she doesn’t want all of this to just disappear. She doesn’t want Luke to just disappear suddenly, and then for her to find out she’s in the Fields of Punishment or something.

“Why don’t we take a walk, maybe it’ll help clear your head.”

So they head out again, though Tori is reluctant, and take a stroll around the neighborhood. It’s beautiful and all the people seem really nice. They’re all paired up with their soulmates, going about their business like it’s just another day in the neighborhood [lol sorry I had to].

But Tori is still worried. “You know I don’t do big or ostentatious,” she mutters to Luke as they walk around. “And what’s with all the tapioca pudding shops? You and I both know that regular pudding is better.” [side note: I actually love tapioca pudding lmao]

Tori stops them and turns to face Luke. “Also, I can’t cuss. You know I love to cuss.”

Luke chuckles and shakes his head, linking his arm with hers and pulling her gently along again. “Yes, but a lot of the people in this neighborhood don’t like it.”

“Okay, but don’t you think that if I like to cuss so much–and I now you do too, don’t deny it–wouldn’t they have put us in a neighborhood with people who also like to cuss?”

“I think you’re thinking too much about it.”

Before Tori can argue more, Adrian shows up with two people trailing after him.

“Tori, Luke, I’d like to introduce you to Mali and Amir. I was just telling them about the welcome party that Tori’s throwing.”

Tori wants to object vehemently, but to keep up appearances she grins. “Yes, that party. Everyone in the neighborhood is invited. It starts at 8pm sharp, but you can show up late if you want to. In fact, I’d even appreciate it if you didn’t show up at all–”

Adrian laughs. “Isn’t she funny? Of course they’re excited to go!” Talking to Mali and Amir, “Why don’t you two go explore the neighborhood a little more while I talk to these two about the party?”

As soon as the other two are out of earshot, Adrian turns to Tori with an “apologetic” look. “I’m so sorry, I meant to talk to you about it earlier, but it must’ve slipped my mind!” Tori forces a laugh and Luke can tell she’s ready to throttle Adrian, so puts his arm around her waist. Adrian continues, pretending not to notice. “Your house is the biggest, so it would only make sense that you host the party.”

“That makes sense,” Tori forces out. “But why me? I don’t mind lending my house for the party to someone who is a little more equipped for party-planning.”

“Oh nonsense! You’ll be just fine. Listen, I have to go meet some of the others here. I’ll see you at the party!”

As soon as Adrian’s out of earshot, Tori turns to Luke. “What am I supposed to do? I hate parties! I hate people! I don’t know how I’m going to even plan a party. Where am I going to even find stuff? Do they have like some…heavenly gift-shop? Do I need currency, or can I just tell them what I need and they’ll give it to me?”

Introduce Janet [I can’t think of a different name for her :P], who gets Tori everything she needs

Adrian forces Tori to give a speech–the party isn’t a disaster, but Tori’s already under pressure because she knows she’s not supposed to be there, so things slip both in the speech and as she tries to play hostess

Cue Chaos Sequence the next morning

Luke’s like, “Okay, I believe you now.”

As you say, antics ensue as they both try to navigate this neighborhood without exposing Tori being in the wrong place while Adrian actively works to undermine them

Remember those other two demigods I introduced? Yeah, hand-picked to make it difficult for Tori and Luke to keep their secret, because they also don’t belong in Elysium, and are meant to torture Tori and Luke. Long story short, they sided with the Titans, but neither Luke or Tori ever met them because armies are big and like they really had time to meet every single demigod who joined Kronos’s side

More antics ensue as the four of them get all mixed-up and band together to try to keep Tori, and Mali and Amir’s secret, bc they know they didn’t exactly die heroes either (among other things).

Cue more antics and even more crossed wires and confusion.

And then, Tori has her realization when they’re all bickering about who’s going to sacrifice themselves and go to the Fields of Punishment, much like Eleanor’s.

“This is the Fields of Punishment!”

Adrian does his Grinch smile and evil laugh.

It’s explained that, after centuries of the same old thing, Adrian decided to come up with something new–take four humans (and/or demigods) who don’t mix, throw them together in a place they think is Elysium, and make them torture themselves

Luke is confused because, “But I died a hero???”

And Adrian is like, “We changed the formula, numb-nuts! Were you not listening to my whole, entire explanation just now? What, you thought joining Kronos and bringing him back would get you into Elysium? Even if you sacrificed yourself at the last minute to defeat him? Seriously, dude?”

“But the prophecy–”

“You’re dead now, ya ding-dong. The prophecy doesn’t matter anymore!”

aaaaaand that’s all she wrote lol. but for real, i’m not really sure what would happen after that. if we’re going full good place au, then Adrian would reboot them, but they would keep figuring it out and banding together until Adrian gives up and joins them bc his boss (whoever that may be in the Greek mythology world) would rip immortality from him and send him to the Fields of Punishment as well, but the old-fashioned way

unfortunately, the fact that the world is so complicated that an act intended to help actually hurts and docks you points doesn’t quite work for this au lol bc while Luke did have good intentions by raising Kronos, and Tori staying with him is certainly colored in many shades of grey, they did like…get a lot of people killed. like that did happen, they started a war and a lot of demigods and nature spirits died. it’s both very grey and not that grey at all (which muddles things up even more; i could go on)

but hey, if you have any ideas that expands on this au, hmu, lmk!

and thanks for sending this in! i had a lot of fun with it :D

[fairycosmos]

i want to kill myself. it gets more n more tempting and though i know i’m not going to do it, i don’t know how to deal w the feeling. especially because it’s more wanting to but not willing to, rather than i want to do this and i’m determined, i feel like no one takes that serious enough and another part of me just wants to so people will know i’m really hurting. so bad.

hey my love. it's going to be okay. the fact that you're having suicidal thoughts to any extent is very serious and should not be undermined. it's easy to desensitizie yourself to it when you've lived with it for so long, but it is a problem and you do not have to handle it alone. maybe those around you can't grasp what you're going through out of fear, or just plain ignorance, but that does not mean that you don't deserve or need help, or that it's not out there. you have options no matter how much you don't want to believe it. to be honest i want to tell you all about how significant and rare your life and presences is. i want to let you know that the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you it's permanent when in reality, more often than not, there are ways to make it manageable. and everything is temporary. the natural evolution of your life will prove so much to you but you must give yourself a fair chance to get there. it's not always going to hurt this bad, and i know that means nothing to you right now, but try to have a bit of trust in the notion. ultimately i know there's nothing i can say that will immediately soothe the pain, or change anything. i understand that your mind is simply not allowing you to see things from multiple perspectives at the moment. and i get that speaking in hypotheticals is pointless when the emotional turmoil is so paramount. so i urge you to, when you can, have an honest conversation with yourself about what you truly need. what's missing from your life, what are the short term causes of your pain? does anything in particular trigger you, do you notice any self destructive patterns in yourself, what calms you when you're afraid? i'd also recommend talking to someone you trust about what's going on, whether it's a family member or a friend, anyone. you don't have to go into great detail, and it's ok to not know what to say. you just have tell them you're struggling. give them a chance to care for you. i'm sure they'll appreciate the transparency. having a support system makes a massive difference, and enables you to face up to your situation. if that's not an option, or if they don't understand, then there are other routes to take. for example, you could call a hotline. they'll be able to offer you more specific recommendations, while talking you through the episode and listening to your worries. you're in control of the call and you can hang up anytime. you could also talk to your doctor, or look into support groups in your area, or counseling agencies/youth crisis centers, anything is better than nothing. and if you're underage, and you have to force your parents to listen in order to get what you need, then so be it. you're not trapped, okay? i know this is all so hard and daunting, and putting in any amount of effort is the last thing you you want to do. but if you don't want to live like this anymore then change is necessary. and you're so unbelievably capable. your minds automatic reaction will always be to reject the idea of reaching out. but that's just a part of the self harm. isolation stagnates you, leads you nowhere fast. a professional will be able to identify the deeper causes of your suicidal ideation, while working with you to create a care plan so you're prepared when you have a meltdown and you know what to do. because it is okay to be sad. it is even alright to want to give up sometimes. but it's not okay to blur the lines between having a thought and actually acting on it. the goal isn't to never feel negative emotions, it's to try to cope with them as best you can so you don't spiral into a cycle of 'im sad so i hurt myself, i hurt myself and feel sad.' that's all very possible to achieve with time, communication, and natural personal development. if you need to cry, if you need to have days where all you do is breathe, if you need to take a step back from stressors such as schoolwork or relationships, then that's all fine. your mental health always comes first and if you prioritize it, your perspective WILL shift and evolve. please please try to believe me when i say that you're supposed to be here. taking your own life is not going to solve anything the way you think it will. it's a really positive sign that you don't think you're going to do it, and i was relieved when i read that, but like i said before - it doesn't make up for the sadness you feel, and your idolisation of death is still very worrying. it's still something you need to consider talking to your doctor about as soon as possible, or any mental health professional. it's not a far fetched idea, there is always something. i would hate for you to act on your emotions, and then regret it only when it was irreversible - which would be the likely outcome. above all you cant make such a final judgement of your life when you're so young, and you deserve better. you deserve to see all of the people you're going to become, you deserve to know the world at every age. and i know you don't think you do, but you do. i believe in your ability to put your well-being before your sadness, even when it seems impossible. you don't have to harm yourself to find peace. you don't have to kill yourself to move from one state to the next. i cant stress that enough. take it one step at a time, and look at what you can do right now to improve your quality of life even temporarily, because the present truly is the only controllable aspect. the only thing you have to worry about. i'll be rooting for you with my whole heart, seriously. so many people have been where you are, and survived it. you will, too. because you have the tools and the resilience to do so. please let me know if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. focus on getting through one day at a time, and when that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time is good enough.

[kissofgallifrey]

An Audience with David Tennant

My eyes hurt like hell, but I promised you this over a week ago so it’s about time I finished going over it and post it.

(Skip to the second line-breaker (that’s its name?) if you want to go straight to the Audience with David Tennant, I just wrote the experience of the whole day. There are some bits of David before though)

Saturday saw the second and final day of the Adam Smith Festival of Ideas in Kirkcaldy, which ended brilliantly with a gala screening of You, Me and Him, as well as a sort-of-Q&A event with David Tennant, titled An Audience with David Tennant.

What could possibly go wrong?

I will start by saying there were some frustrations involved with that day. The festival was pretty awfully organised; it seemed the organisers themselves had no idea what was happening (we got some seriously conflicting info before and during the event); the no-photography rule was plain idiotic; and they clearly weren’t remotely prepared for the theatre to be full (for the record, full being just 400 people) or for people’s interest. Everything around the event was pretty frustrating as well – the theatre took forever to respond to emails or messages, and even calling them didn’t give a clear answer about, well, anything.

That being said, even though it badly organised, nobody knew what’s happening and the people who organised it clearly had no idea what was happening half the time, I did have a good time.

Since we’ve been told that David and the gang wouldn’t be walking the red carpet, we didn’t bother coming in to the theatre too early. Not much of an issue, since David, Georgia and Daisy were a bit late and nothing happened for the first twenty-five minutes or so anyway (except for Tenny who walked the red carpet!), but still. Georgia and Daisy really just walked through, and they seemed surprised when someone asked for their autograph or for a photo. It was really sweet – and made me want to grab both of them and say, “Yes, David and David and David, but we care about you, too, and we want to talk to you and hear from you. This is YOUR film, and you’ve both said such beautiful things about it already – what makes you think people don’t care about you?” With their modesty, it probably wouldn’t have mattered, but sometimes I feel like we do need to let them know that.

For David it was a bit more complicated. It took him about ten minutes to do a 1.5 metres (2m tops) red carpet because he was the same beautiful sweetheart he always is, and he literally stopped for every single person. He signed pretty much anything, from Doctor Who stuff to a Postman Pat DVD (“That’s a blast from the past!” He said with a grin as he did), he took photos with everyone, he stopped to chat and joke at some points. Really, it was the sort of moments that make you look at him and think, “You know, this man is too good for this world.”

He is, but never mind that.

After David finally managed to make it through the crowd (don’t believe the papers, everything was civil and actually a hell of a lot calmer than I’ve seen at the Stage Door), still very calm and smiley and sweet, they all headed down to what I’m assuming is a press room or something like that. We all headed up to the theatre.

They did a short introduction, which I’m not gonna say anything about because there’s a video online already, you can see it here, and then we watched the film. We have been told there will be a Q&A with Georgia after the film, but (there’s a shocker) the theatre apparently got it wrong again, because there was nothing.

Then it was time for the Audience with David Tennant.

In accordance with the running theme of the day, the panel did start later than intended, but I suppose that’s only natural in events like this. Georgia and Daisy sat in the audience (sneaking in…), and then the organisers gave a little speech and called David and Arabella Weir up onstage. You can see a (not too good) video of their entrance here.

It was utterly adorable and I think pretty much everybody in the audience melted when they saw it.

David and Arabella both took their seats and the celebration began.

Arabella opened by joking that she’s going to talk about herself the whole evening and David’s not going to say a word, at which point he nodded (silently and obediently). David, you goofy adorable boy <3

Anyway, the original plan was to have Arabella ask David her own questions, but then they asked the fans to send them questions, and apparently someone thought it’d be a better idea to change it entirely. So instead of several questions from fans, the whole thing turned into a version of a convention Q&A.

The first question was why David chose Kirkcaldy and the Adam Smith Theatre for this, to which David’s response was, “I didn’t choose it! None of this was me!” He continued to say that it’s been a while since he’s been to the Adam Smith Theatre – 27 years, to be precise (“which is amazing, cos I’m only 29 years old”). He was doing a play with 7:84 (he wasn’t entirely sure which one it was, he thought it was The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui), and as they toured in Scotland, they made it to the Adam Smith Theatre for a performance (possibly two, he wasn’t sure).

As David tried to remember the name of the play they did here, someone in the audience (who can say her name herself if she wants to), said the name, and apparently she wasn’t very well heard onstage at first, because David went, “Someone is making noises! Sort of squeaky!” and started sort of looking for the source. Eventually it was found, and when David asked if she was here and watched it she said that she wasn’t, because she wasn’t really born yet… at which point David went, “Thanks!” Once the laughter subsided, he explained (in case anybody missed it) that “this was a voice in the dark telling me they weren’t born 27 years ago…” and added, “Neither was I!”

Arabella then explained that David didn’t choose the Adam Smith Theatre, she asked him to come. David (sweet as always) said that he’s thrilled to return. <3

The next question was what the difference is between working on a TV show in the UK versus in the US. The woman who sent it also had another question, which Arabella said she won’t read, and David went, “I want to hear the other question and I’ll choose.” Arabella said the other question just isn’t interesting, and David immediately turned to the audience and said, “Sorry”, and continued to ask if the woman was in the audience (and thanked her for the question). Is that sweet or what?

In answer to the question, David said it’s pretty much the same (“different accents”, which had everyone laughing), except that they work longer hours in the States (and get paid for working longer hours, since they still have the unions that work very hard to protect their rights and all), there are slightly different rules… it’s very much the same thing, trying to tell a story the best you can… “They have better snacks!” David cut himself off then, finding a new interesting thing. “The Americans are really good with snacks.”

David went on to talk about how in the States they’ve got craft service – which is a whole other department that only focuses on the food. In the UK, he said, if it’s a big production you might get some biscuits, but in the States they’ve got snacks coming through the entire day. “That’s the main difference,” He concluded, to much laughter.

The next question was what the best and worst things about being famous are. David looked at Arabella and went, “I don’t know… you tell me”, and she said that – obviously nobody wants to hear her answer and everyone want his – but the best is that people give you things, and the worst is that they expect things from you that they probably wouldn’t have if they didn’t know you from the telly. David agreed that it’s a very good answer.

David continued to add that it’s an odd thing, when so many people know you and you don’t know them, and it takes some getting used to. “I remember,” He said, “Before I was in that position, you would sort of imagine that was quite an empowering place to be, it felt like something that would give you sort of strength and confidence… and then actually, it’s quite… Like if you walk into a room, and people go, ‘Don’t look round, but there he is’ and they think you don’t notice that – it actually doesn’t give you confidence, it makes you feel rather insecure. It does me, anyway.”

He hurried to add that he’s not complaining, and he’s very humbled by the fact he was able to be a part of telling those stories that brought him into this place, but it does take getting used to. “I’m not gonna tell you how difficult it is, because it’s not, it’s lovely,” He concluded, “But there’s a sort of insecurity in it as well. It can undermine your own sense of self. You just have to be sure of yourself and maybe re-examine who you are and just make sure you know who you are so that it doesn’t send you to the slightly mad place.”

The next two questions were from someone’s kids (at which point David dwell for a moment on her name… it’s very easy to distract him, apparently), the first of which was, who his favourite Disney princess is. As always, David said it feels wrong to choose, but the one he’s spending the most time with currently is Moana, and she’s got some pretty great songs… so he’ll go with Moana.

The second question was when the last time he had diarrhoea was (I swear to god that was the question). David’s face was absolutely indescribably funny. He thought about it and then went, “I want to make sure I give her an accurate answer. I think if someone takes the time to think of a question like that they deserve a factual response.” XD

Eventually, after some thinking, he said he thinks it’s been a few months, but when he was away recently he had the opposite problem, which does happen occasionally when you’re in a different country. But don’t worry, everything is fine now. “Stop me at any time now,” He added, turning to Arabella.

The next question was from a history student, who wanted to know if David could play any historical character, which character it would be. David’s immediate response was, “Did you miss my Richard II?” Which got everyone laughing. He then continued to say that he doesn’t quite know, really. He gave it a moment’s thought, then said that he does have an idea, but it’s very dark, and despite our encouragement he refused to say who it was. :(

He then said that when you’re looking at historical characters, you’re looking for someone who’s done important things, but who was also flawed, because that’s the interesting sort of characters. He said that for instance, he wouldn’t want to play Henry V… except maybe in Henry IV, where he’s trying to find himself and doesn’t really know what he wants. “But I’m too old for that now,” He finished.

Someone from the audience yelled out, “Lady Macbeth!” which got David thinking a bit. He said it’s not exactly a historical character… there is some debate but… yeah, sure, he’ll go with that.

The next question was (the quite common) what’s the weirdest thing anyone had him sign. David went, “Oooh… I’ve signed some stuff,” In a slightly dark tone that had everyone laughing. He said that body parts are pretty weird – there’s a growing trend of people asking you to sign their bodies and then tattooing over it, which he’s done quite a few of. Arabella then asked if he agreed to do that, because she probably wouldn’t, and David went, “Oh, I’d do virtually anything.” ;)

He added that these things do make him a bit worried, because you sign with a sharpie and then people are going over it with a needle… that has got to lead to some sort of a blood poisoning! “But it hasn’t stopped me,” He finished, again making everyone laugh.

Someone asked what the most valuable piece of advice David has ever received as an actor. David thought… and then someone from the audience yelled, “Don’t do Nativity!” David’s expression turned into a living :O emoji (I swear) for at least thirty seconds straight (god that man and his expressions), and eventually he went, “How dare you? It’s the only thing my children think I’m any good in!”

David thought for a long moment before concluding that he doesn’t know and changing the direction of the question – to the acting advice he gives (“Can I turn the question to that?”). He said that people often ask for advice, “In the hope you have some clue… I don’t have a single clue about how to get into it”, but his advice is: be nice, be on time and learn your lines, which you would think is basic, but apparently not.

Arabella said that the best advice she received was that you’ll only know you’re an actor when you’re out of work. She didn’t understand it at the time, but when you’re out of work and you sort of keep pushing onwards, and you keep trying to do it, because you really believe you can do it – then it will come true.

The next question was what class at drama school he hated at the time, but has since found to be useful. David thought about it and then said that there are a lot of things they don’t teach at drama school and they should – like being unemployed, dealing with rejection and doing your taxes (pretty useful). “They should focus more on that because that does take up a lot of an actor’s life, I’d say,” He said.

He continued to think about the question and said that there are a lot of pretty useless movement classes, and pretending to be a sheet of aluminium (I swear he said that), “Which isn’t something I’ve relied on since”. But if you think that stopped him from enjoying, think again.

“The thing is,” He said, “I was pathetically keen at drama school. I don’t apologise for that, because I was very delighted to be there, I went in straight from school, I didn’t even do sixth year, so I was very young and very green, naïve, and quite immature, probably, at the time. So there wasn’t anything about it I didn’t like. I just thought it was all brilliant, because I got to do all day this thing that I’ve been dreaming of doing, I didn’t have to do maths anymore.” (cue laughter) “So there wasn’t anything that I regretted learning at the time, I was sort of drinking it all in.”

But looking back, he thinks it’s all probably been useful on some level… maybe apart from the sheet of aluminium. And some of the gavotte classes… at which point he gave us a little demonstration. “You see,” He added, “It all becomes useful!”

At this point someone from the audience called out, “Do your sheet of aluminium!” David explained that in fact, that was a group exercise in a visiting lecture… “Should I say her name?” He wondered. Despite our encouragement, he decided not to. “She’s dead now,” He said, to much laughter. “No, I mean, she’s actually dead now.” The response to that was, of course, a general “aww”… at which point he said, “You don’t know who she is, you don’t care!” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, she did these masterclasses – which were all about shaming them about how bad they were in their movement classes, really – and after they failed at yet another thing, the whole sheet of aluminium thing came up. “Drama school’s a funny place,” He concluded. “But it’s a sort of safe place, I suppose. It’s a safe place to try out some quite weird, creative ideas.”

David then said: “I think any kind of creative course has… you have to be allowed to go some quite weird places, to see what kind of fires your synapses, particularly what makes you as a creative person kind of buzz.”

He added that he was lucky because he was very young and not cynical at the time, so he got the best of it. Arabella said then that she taught him cynicism, at which David said, “It’s true. I went to London and Arabella spoiled me, she broke me.” (cue more laughter)

He concluded that that’s how art is, and that’s how art teaching should be – a bit crazy and a bit odd – because that’s what makes people think in ways they wouldn’t have thought of. And that’s why the arts is an important part of education – any education and should be supported.

The following question was a bit emotional – how he felt reading the script for his final episode of Doctor Who and seeing his last line was “I don’t want to go.” :(

“I had a little cry,” David admitted. He said that working on Doctor Who has been a wonderful experience, because it was such a great character, and the scripts were always so brilliant, and saying goodbye to that was very bitter-sweet. And then to be given that final line is very emotional. “I didn’t see it coming,” He said, “But then you sort of think, ‘how could it have been anything else?’”

David was also asked if there was a biographical film of his life, who would portray him? He said that he thinks Nicholas Lyndhurst.

The next question was whether he has a favourite character. Someone from the audience said Davina, and David went, “Oh, that’s old school.” David and Arabella then explained (for anyone who doesn’t know) it’s the transsexual barmaid he played in Rab C. Nesbitt. David then gave his usual response on that: he tries not to choose favourites (of anything, really), because he does change his mind pretty often, and he really kind of feels connected to the last thing he did – that’s what feels special. Since they just did the screening of You, Me and Him, he’s thinking of John at the moment, but it’s really not something that sticks, he doesn’t have one favourite for long.

Following that was another repeating question: what the differences are between stage and screen acting, and which one he prefers. David said he likes the variety and he likes being able to do both – he wouldn’t have given up on either. In terms of differences, the rhythms are very different – in a play you have three hours of intense stuff, whereas in filming there are long days where you do small bits of acting and mainly just “waiting around and drinking tea… and in America, snacks!” So in terms of rhythm, they’re quite different, but screen and stage are very similar, really. “They’re both just an opportunity to pretend to be somebody else,” He concluded, “And convince yourself that that means everything in the world in that moment. It’s all just sort of tricking your brain… thinking yourself into a state of being.”

The next question wasn’t quite phrased right: which three party David would have in his perfect dinner party. Arabella said, “Me”, and David immediately said, “Arabella, my wife Georgia, and Daisy.” (cue “awwww”)

Having gotten that out of the way, they asked whether the person who asked it meant what people from history they’d like to have (important clarification), which was indeed what they meant (“Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.” “Yes.”). David said he imagines most people who’ve done things in history were probably annoying, but it would’ve been nice to know if they were… like Shakespeare – it would’ve been interesting to know how well-adjusted and what kind of a person Shakespeare was, outside his writing.

Arabella said she’d have liked to have Hitler at a dinner party, because it seems fascinating to talk to someone with that sort of mind set, and David agreed it probably would be, but stated that he’s not sure how much fun that dinner party would be. But as Arabella said, the question didn’t state it had to be fun…

David added that he thinks it would be interesting to meet any person who’s sort of “a moment in history” and see the humanity within them. He also mentioned that he’s both fascinated and bewildered by Donald Trump (gotta agree there).

Next, David was asked whether he’d like a part in Two Doors Down, which he immediately said (somewhat sadly), “It’s not gonna come… I’m still waiting.” He said he’d love to, and it’s a great show.

Arabella then said that one of the writers of it was on a show with David – Terri McIntyre – Classy Bitch (I could listen to David say it all day long; he just had that sort of… like he was doing a movie trailer or something). Arabella said it was funny but it only ever aired on BBC Scotland, and David corrected that it only ever aired on BBC Choice. “I think it was watched by four people,” He said, to much laughter.

Following that was a question about foreign languages: what it’s like to learn lines in a foreign language? David asked the person who asked it (who made a very odd sound as soon as her name was mentioned) whether she was thinking about anything in particular, and she said she was asking generally. He replied that it’s not something he had to do often, but he did do it for The Quatermass Experiment, which they did live on the BBC, and for that he needed to learn a couple of lines in German. He doesn’t know any German – according to him he wasn’t great at French in school either – so he had to learn it phonetically. He didn’t really know what he was saying – he knew the meaning, but he was just repeating it phonetically.

Of course, he was very calm about it… just thinking, “You’re about to have to speak German, which you don’t understand, live on British television. You’re going to get this wrong.” Very David, isn’t it?

He continued to talk about how that moment feels to him. He said it happened to him doing plays, too, and usually quite far into the run of them. “Your brain starts playing tricks on you,” He said. “You’ve done it, I don’t know, seventy-five times, and your brain starts going, ‘No… you’re gonna get it wrong tonight. Those lines that you said seventy-five times? You’re about to forget them. This is all going to go wrong.’ And this is happening while the play is going on, and you’re sort of on an autopilot, and inside your head is this little voice that’s just getting louder and louder … it creeps out the back of your head and you’re just trying to keep yourself calm, but at the same time, while you’re doing the play, you’re composing the speech you’re about to have to make to the audience, where you kinda go, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m terribly sorry, I completely forgot what comes next, this is the end of my career, thank you for witnessing it, I’m going to go offstage and you will never see me again.’”

So during the live performance of The Quatermass Experiment, as his bit of German was coming up, he found himself thinking exactly that, except, not only he’s gonna have to do it in front of a theatre full of people – he’s going to have to do it on live telly in front of the entire nation! “Anyway, it didn’t happen, so…” He concluded happily, making everyone laugh.

The following question was (seriously *rolls eyes*) whether it was awkward to “work with your wife as your daughter”. Arabella immediately said that she wasn’t his wife when she played Jenny (they only just met on the set! Come on, people), and David seemed sort of baffled for a moment before going (in that sort of exasperated-patient-“are you listening to what you’re saying” tone), “I was playing a Time Lord. I was nine hundred and something years old and yet I didn’t look a day over thirty. That’s the conceit of the show.” Then, since Georgia was in the room, he turned to look at where she was sitting and asked, “Would you like to comment on that, wife/daughter?”

Once the laughter subsided, he continued to say that they had a lovely time. “She wasn’t my wife then,” He continued, returning to the earlier tone, “She was just my pretend daughter. And it’s not weird, because I was a Time Lord. And… it all worked out. She’s a little bit younger than me. She’s not that much younger than me. It’s not weird.”

And continuing with another question that probably shouldn’t have been asked, someone from the Fife Cultural Trust (which is probably the reason it was asked) asked what DC/Marvel character David would like to play. David went, “Have you not seen Jessica Jones?”

The next question was whether there’s a role David auditioned for and didn’t get that he think he should’ve. David immediately went, “All of them!” Once the laughter subsided, he added, “It’s just that other people didn’t agree with me.”

Turning serious, he said that he can’t think of something specific. He said that you just sort of go into an audition hoping for the best. On the one level, he said, you think it’s definitely yours, but on another you don’t think you’re worthy of anything. “But maybe that’s just me.” (cue “awwww”)

Someone from the audience mentioned that David said Georgia was auditioning other men (for the role of John, which isn’t technically true, because he didn’t say they auditioned, but never mind). David went, “Yeah, my wife’s always auditioning other men.” When the laughter quieted down, he looked at the direction of Georgia and said, “And that’s an ongoing thing? I’m discovering something now!”

Once the laughter stopped, Arabella cleared that the person talking was referring to what he said about them trying other actors for the role of John in You, Me and Him. David said that he doesn’t think they actually auditioned anyone else – “It wasn’t an audition as much as trying anybody else who wasn’t me.”

The next question, from another person in Kirkcaldy (to which David enthusiastically said, “Home crowd! Home crowd!”), was whether he got to keep anything from Doctor Who after leaving. David said that he was given a wooden box that was made by the prop man, which had an indentation for the sonic screwdriver and the psychic paper, and a couple other things. It was really beautiful, and from the way David talked about it, I imagine quite touching.

Another question was which of his roles has given him the greatest life lesson. David thought for a while, saying that it’s a very good question and this is pretty hard to know. Someone yelled out “Don Juan”, and David went, “I don’t know what the life lesson was in Don Juan.”

Anyway, David said that it’s pretty hard to know, because you sort of learn from everything you do. “Anything where you kind of walk in another other human being’s shoes, whether for real or for the purposes of a role…” He explained. He then added that it depends on what you mean by “life lesson”. In terms of “good to know”, he had to learn a bit of guitar playing for Campbell, so that was pretty good. But in terms of deeper understanding?

“I don’t know. I suppose anything that makes you examine your relationship with life and mortality… It’s probably hard to get past something like Hamlet for that because it makes you think about grief and being a human being, and how much you value your own life and other people’s lives, and that’s a very fundamental question. But I think the act of pretending to be someone else is continually illuminating, whoever this person might be, because it makes you consider a different viewpoint, which is something we all should be doing all the time, I guess, and I get to do it as my job, so I’m very lucky,” He concluded.

The next question was about Casanova – whether it was as much fun as it looked, and whether he considers it to be his “stepping stone for Doctor Who”. David replied that it was very fun, and that it was sort of his audition to Doctor Who. He told the old story, of how it was created by Russell and Julie, and while they were shooting it they actually started looking for someone to replace Christopher Eccleston, and it’s pretty much because of Casanova that they even approached him.

Arabella then asked whether they’d already been thinking about him before Casanova, and David said that not to his knowledge, particularly since they already had a Doctor. Things changed pretty quickly, and as a result of working on Casanova the opportunity for Doctor Who came along – but to this day he doesn’t know what the process was, what was said or at what point they even started thinking about him.

The girl who asked the question shouted that it’s her birthday, and David sort of looked at her, all, “Okay, what do you want me to do with it?” (those faces of his) for a moment, and then eventually went, “What do you want me to do? Do you want cake or something?” Being the sweetheart that he is, though, after the laughter stopped, he said, “Happy birthday. Many happy returns.” <3

The next question was about Secret Smile (“What was he? He was a stalker?” “He was a nutter, yeah”). Arabella started by explaining a bit about the mini-series (I think is the right term?) and David’s character, and then she started, “So the question is-“ only to be cut off by David who went, “Is that really you?” (cue more laughter)

Anyway, the question was what David’s reaction was to reading the character and how he got into the mind set for it. David’s response was absolutely beautiful (although for the most part not new). “The thing is, playing sort of nutters and the crazy people and people who are disturbed, it’s all… there’s something quite liberating about it. Because you get to dabble in the darker corners of psychology there within a very safe environment, of course, because it’s not that you become that person, it’s not like you have to live your life like that, but you get to sort of see what that might feel like. You get to kind of… obviously, in very sort of fictional terms, you get to kind of… sniff that world. You get to go to quite dark places, whilst knowing it’s safe and whilst knowing you’re not actually hurting anyone, so they’re kind of delicious characters to get a go at, because they go to places that you as a human being would never go. So there’s an acting challenge in it that is very appealing, and also, it’s quite intriguing to see what that feels like, even in a fictional framework.”

Another old question that popped up again: what’s David’s favourite episode of Doctor Who that he was in, and why. David once again said it’s hard to pick favourites, particularly because there are different levels, so there are different episodes that fit as favourites in those different levels. For instance, on the personal-emotional level, an episode that’s very important to him is The Doctor’s Daughter, because that’s where he met Georgia. “My life had been very different if that had never happened, so that completely changed the trajectory of everything that I now have, so it’s hard to see past that.”

Arabella then mentioned something about her favourite episode, and David said he’d like to know which it was, so she said it was the episode she was in. David looked at her and went, “I wasn’t in it.” And she just said, “Yeah, I know.” (cue laughter) She did mention that until she finally got a part in Doctor Who (not with David, which wasn’t fair), her kids said that David wasn’t in it, so it doesn’t count. (aww)

Following that, David was asked which character he played he connected to the most on an emotional level. David thought about it for a moment, and then said that there are different meanings for “connecting on an emotional level” – it can be someone who’s the most like you, or someone you feel empathic towards. He added that every character that’s well written is easier to connect to, really.

Arabella suggested Campbell (Bain, from Takin’ Over the Asylum <3), and David thought about it and said that he certainly connected to Campbell in a way. He went on to talk about Dave, from Single Father, which was very emotional to him – and that was even before he was a father himself. He added that if he did it now, he’d probably be better in it – but he’d probably find it unbearable, too. It was an imagined situation back then, but now that he has children and a family, it would become something so much more – which would make it even more difficult, so to do something like that now would probably be “almost too much”.

The next question was whether Walt (in the newly announced HBO comedy Camping) is an American. David said that he thinks so, but they haven’t started yet, so who knows.

The next question was about David saying that his obituary would have to be written in Tardis blue. The person who sent it continued and asked, if he had a choice, what would he prefer to be remembered for? David replied that he thinks he said something about Doctor Who being the first line of his obituary; saying it’d be Tardis blue was probably just being poetic. (“Or geeky,” said Arabella)

Following that, David was asked, what was it like to work with Jodie Whittaker? David (dead serious and very dramatic) replied, “Awful. She’s terrible. It’s unbearable!” Once the laughter stopped, David turned serious and replied that she’s lovely, and he’s had a great time working with her. “I’m sure everyone working on Doctor Who would say the same,” He concluded, to many cheers from the audience.

Another familiar old question followed: is there a Shakespeare role David would love to do? David went, “Of course! Loads of them.” He mentioned Iago in Othello and Angelo in Measure for Measure, and Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. He concluded that there’s a long list… “And then when I’m old there’s a whole other list.”

The next question was about having to be sad/to cry while doing a scene. The person asked how he does it when he has to. David said that it depends on the circumstances – “In an ideal world, it comes out of a naturally occurring moment, when something feels real enough that it takes you somewhere emotional,” He explained. But in other cases, you learn to fake it. Arabella added that sometimes they give actors eye drops, and David agreed that sometimes they just put things in your eyes to make you cry (saying “cry” in his most Glasgow-boy accent).

Another question was if there’s ever been a role David hasn’t done and would love to do. Someone suggested James Bond, but David immediately said he’d be rubbish in it, although he would love to play a Bond villain – that would probably be fun. “I’d like to have my own volcanic lair,” He stated, to much laughter.

The next question was another old familiar one: does David prefer to play good or evil? David’s response was the same as always – that you shouldn’t categorise them. “It shouldn’t be binary,” He said. “Ideally, you shouldn’t really judge any of your characters as good or evil. You should just be that person, do what they feel they have to do. I don’t think human beings believe themselves to be good or evil, particularly – most of us believe ourselves to be good, or at least, hope we are. I think most of us come from that place. Maybe some of us fear we’re not. We’re probably all somewhere on that spectrum in between, not quite sure what we think and worry that we might not be as good as we hope to be or aim to be. So I think it’s dangerous to prejudge a character.”

He added that with someone like Kilgrave, it’s hard not to see him as a villain, because of the things he’s done, but you’ve got to see that person’s point of view – you’ve got to come from their world and see how they think and why they do what they do. You just have to try not to think about it in a binary way. “Inevitably, characters are placed in storylines to do certain things,” He added. “My job as an actor is to try to make sense of this.” (Arabella agreed and added that once you hate your character, it’s very hard to do anything with it, so you’ve got to try and look at it from the character’s perspective).

Another familiar question: what role have you most enjoyed? David immediately said, “All of them, all the time.” He continued to say that the “favourite” questions are hard, because it feels like you’re comparing roles, “like you’re putting them in a league table”, and the thing is, whatever job it is you’re doing at the moment is the one you’re the most engaged with, so naturally it comes up as a “favourite” and it feels like the biggest thing there is. “Because that’s the conceit of it, that’s part of the job, really,” He said, “You’ve got to give yourself to it as wholeheartedly as you can.” So naturally, each job you do at the moment is the biggest and most important and “favourite”.

The final question of the evening was actually… my question! Surprisingly (I’m not sarcastic, it really was a surprise).

Arabella started saying that this seems like a good question to end with, at which point we all went, “Ohhh”. She looked at us and went, “I’m sorry but that has to be it.” David looked at her and immediately said, “No, we’re gonna stay here all night until all these questions are answered!” Surprisingly, we all cheered. ;)

Anyway, after certain amount of doubting the truth of the question from Arabella (what, me, angry? Nooooo), she finally started reading it.

“You often talk about your own insecurities, and the fear of being ‘found out’-“

“Yes.”

“-Of not being good enough-“

“Yes.”

“-Yet you constantly put yourself out there for appraisal and criticism.”

“I know, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” (Try incredibly brave, David.)

“How do you avoid letting those fears get in the way of your job?”

“I do think that, and I certainly feel that… all the time you’re waiting to be ‘found out’, you’re waiting for someone to show up and go, ‘So, you think you’re good at this?’” David gestured aside, like he’s pointing at a door, “’Here’s your coat.’ And then you sometimes wonder, maybe actors think we’re terribly special but we’re not. Maybe everyone feels like that all the time.”

Arabella then butted in and mentioned the Imposter’s Syndrome, and how every woman suffers from that and it’s something specific to women (that’s bullshit, and I’m a psychology student). And David went, “I’m definitely a woman, then.”

And that was it. There was a bit of an ending speech, and David was given a present, and then it was all over and we all went our separate ways.

You can find a collection of the photos I’ve taken that day over here, and you can find a few quotes that didn’t get into the final report over here. 

Hopefully this makes anyone who asked for this report happy. xx

[metaformers]

Megatron and Abuse

I’ve spent months emotionally gearing myself up to make this Megatron meta post. It will contain mentions of real life abuse--verbal, emotional, physical, sexual--from my own life, as well as links to sites that discuss said topics. There will be a focus on emotional and narcissistic abuse, as that is the kind I have the most experience with--and the kind I most see Megatron perpetuating in More than Meets the Eye.

I understand that many people identify with Megatron. It may be best for you to skip this post if you count yourself among them. I want to be clear that this is my reading of the character, and I do not fault others for reading him differently; I’m not going to go after anyone for liking him or shipping him with people. It’s fiction. Do what makes you feel safe and happy. I can guarantee you are not the first to block me for saying I believe Megatron is abusive.

If you are interested in reading about why I, personally, view Megatron in this light, I would like to make one final request. This subject matter is extremely personal. I have spent four and a half years in therapy, but this still affects me powerfully. If you find yourself getting the urge to argue with me, please keep in mind that I will not be responding to comments for my own health.

So why am I posting? Because I have seen no discussion of this in fandom. When Megatron’s abusive behavior is described, it is invariably treated as a thing of the past, not the present. And I think that multiple views of a character in fandom lead to richer interpretations in fanworks and other meta.

And, with that, we’re off to the races.

(Note: This post is over 18k words long and contains over 70 images. If you would prefer to read this as a Google Doc, use this link. I recommend going to the View dropdown and un-toggling Print Layout if you do so. If you would rather read this as a Tumblr post, please use the read more below. The Google Doc may be better if you would like to use a functional outline navigation system or if Tumblr’s habit of stretching images bothers you.) 

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First things first: abuse is cyclical. An abuser is not always going to be abusing someone--if they did, no one would ever tolerate the mistreatment. When times were relatively good, my mother and I would crack jokes. My ex would hold my hand and tell me cheesy pickup lines. This is known as the ‘honeymoon’ or ‘idealization’ stage of the abuse cycle, and it is as much a fixture of abuse as the tension-building and abuse phases.

If an abusive relationship never left the abuse stage, no one would ever tolerate it. No one would stay. So violence must be rationed, and after each new outburst, the abuser is likely to promise that--this time for sure--it will never happen again. They then ‘prove’ it with a honeymoon period and the cycle turns anew.

As a result, there is no way to point at one instance of kindness and say that someone isn’t actually abusive. It is likewise not generally possible to point to one instance of cruelty and call it abuse. Abuse is almost never a one-time thing. As a result, I’ve gathered examples from throughout season two of MTMTE and from the latest issue of Lost Light.

Since it’s the most clear and unambiguous example of Megatron’s abuse, I’m going to be singling out one particular relationship--the one between Megatron and Rodimus.

RODIMUS

To help me structure the problems I have with Megatron’s treatment of Rodimus in the time since the Lost Light left Cybertron, I’m going to borrow text from Psych Central’s “Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” article as well as tactics mentioned in their “Signs of Emotional Abuse” article and my own experiences.

Degradation

This is perhaps the most obvious type of abuse Megatron commits. He constantly belittles and demeans Rodimus. On the surface, it may at times seem justified. A minor comment on a fair annoyance.

Here he calls the Rodpod a vanity project, for instance. Getaway does much the same. But we know--and he likely has been told--that this wasn’t a vanity project. This was a gift from the crew to Rodimus.

It’s easy to forget. There’s no clear origin for the Rodpod before it was rebuilt, and, frankly? It’s not important. Whether it was a gift or something he had built, this is a privately owned ship, and this is a possession that clearly means something to Rodimus.

I grew up in the 90s, and I had a lot of tacky plushies and furbies and beanie babies--all extremely easy to mock, especially as I got older and they remained sentimental. Even when I wasn’t a kid anymore, I wanted to hold onto these things, and I think that’s understandable. If I’d lost my neon purple stuffed frog and had gotten a replacement as a gift, it would have been an easy avenue of casual attack. As it was, I mostly got, ‘Are you seriously keeping this ratty old thing?’ about anything that reminded me of happier times. It was always a coded jab at me, a deliberate forgetting of where a gift had come from or why I might want to remember.

This hits me especially hard since everything Megatron says here? Is an uncharitable lie. But believable lies have a way of spreading and turning into a commonly held ‘truth’--and Getaway later cites the Rodpod as a reason that Rodimus deserved to lose everything.

Which, ultimately, is the goal of abuse--start small and build until you can justify anything because of their ‘bad behavior.’

But, of course, this particular comment is targeted at a different audience, intended to undermine Rodimus’ standing with the crew and change the story to something that makes it seem as though Rodimus is squandering quest resources on trivial items.

Much of the time, the audience for Megatron’s comments is Rodimus himself--wearing at his already thin self-esteem and feeding the self-hatred we’ve seen him manifest throughout the series. (If you doubt either of those assertions, I plan to write meta about Rodimus later on. For now, I ask that you remember that he self-harmed by carving the results of the vote into his palm--explicitly so he would always know how many people didn’t want him there.)

Actually, for further confirmation, let’s take it to canon:

While he ‘admits’ to thinking he’s better than everyone else after having a very direct cry for help shot down with an insult, I hesitate to say this indicates in any capacity that his self-esteem is fine.

You see, I’ve been accused of the same. Literally--to the point where this exchange with Ratchet made me sick the first time I read it. How else is Rodimus supposed to respond to this kind of jab, especially when he’s in the middle of handling a crisis?

To me, the willingness to accept as ‘true’ something that directly contradicts his own experiences, especially coupled with the reassurance-seeking behaviors and low self-esteem, makes him especially vulnerable to emotional and verbal abuse.

And so, let’s turn our focus to Rodimus himself and answer the questions posed by the article to see how well Megatron’s behavior holds up.

Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

Without any warning of what to expect, Rodimus was presented with his own corpse--which has half its brain sliced out. They specifically didn’t tell him why they were calling him in, which I can’t imagine helped soften the horror. He’s in a very reasonable state of shock.

And there’s Megatron calling his reaction tiresome, even though his eventual reaction when faced with the spectre of his own death is to scream and punch Perceptor. Rodimus is just quietly attempting to come to grips with an upsetting situation, not hurting anyone by taking a moment to process.

But, of course, he isn’t allowed to process. Megatron is the captain of this ship, and he expects everyone else to handle their feelings quickly and efficiently, even if he never does.

This is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse--considering one’s own feelings bigger, more important, more valid than those of others. And it’s fully in line with the dynamic, too, to attempt to invalidate said feelings by emphasizing one’s role as an authority over the victim.

“Don’t you think, as your mother, it’s fair to expect a little consideration?” might have been fair if the consideration hadn’t involved her demanding things I’d already done for her--which she promptly pretended I hadn’t done, or that I’d done them improperly, or that I hadn’t adequately managed my emotions while doing them.

It’s patronizing enough from a parent. From someone who shares the same rank as you? It’s condescending in the extreme--not to mention entitled.

Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?

But, of course, Megatron doesn’t respect Rodimus’ rank. Rodimus owns this ship--Drift purchased it as a neutral vessel and I would be genuinely shocked if he didn’t insist on signing it over to Rodimus after convincing Rodimus to let him take the fall. This ship? This is his ship. Optimus had no right to set Megatron up as captain; he didn’t even have the right to forcibly install him on the crew roster.

In fact, if you’ll pardon the brief aside, Rodimus had very fair misgivings about allowing Megatron onto the Lost Light.

Rodimus points out that Megatron is dangerous--this is undeniably true, no matter what your stance is on his character. And Ratchet responds by lying to Rodimus to convince him to let a powerful criminal aboard. Which is, ironically, the same thing that kicked off season one--only this time it’s Megatron instead of Overlord.

Personally, I think that this shows Rodimus has learned his lesson and is trying to avoid a repeat of that particular disaster.

He also offers a great insight into why Optimus is cooking up this outrageous plan:

And, although this is just conjecture, I think that this is part of why Megatron targets Rodimus. He can be insightful--especially when it comes to people and their motivations. This makes him a threat to Megatron’s otherwise nearly unchecked power as captain of this ship. However, he is also susceptible to manipulation, as we saw with Prowl.

Megatron is extremely intelligent and very good at manipulating others; he plays a long game, as Ravage walked us through at the end of DotL. And with the idea that Rodimus tried to bar him from his ‘rightful place’ at the helm of this ship, with the idea that Rodimus was the one chosen by the crew to be captain, I would like to return to the panel at hand...

Here we hear Megatron say--exasperated, belittling--“How many times?” As if this argument should be concluded by now, and Rodimus is being childish to keep forcing the issue.

I’ve heard this exact line in this exact tone too many times from multiple abusers. How many times would I dare to defy them? I wasn’t trying to be defiant; as Rodimus just did, I reminded them of an inconvenient (for them) fact, one they wanted to convince me wasn’t true. I doubt I could list every iteration of this I’ve seen in real life.

This is not something you say to an equal when discussing something that is objective fact. Rodimus is the co-captain, much as Megatron wishes to deny it.

And he continues to deny it. It’s not a real rank. It’s a made-up rank. He is the one true captain, and Rodimus is a recalcitrant second-in-command in denial. Megatron doesn’t have the best track record with those--which Rodimus would be fully aware of. I refuse to believe that the Autobots never saw footage of Starscream’s treatment at Megatron’s hands.

So I think that it makes sense that, rather than push farther when Megatron has already raised his voice, Rodimus redirects. This was a tactic I, too, used to avoid moving from the tension-building phase to the abuse phase in my own relationships.

Do they regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

This is a pretty obvious example of ridiculing someone’s feelings--and it’s another dig following right on the heels of the last two. Although all three are relatively small, the fact that they come one after another, basically coloring every statement Megatron makes, feels uncomfortably familiar to me.

Even if these are justifiable complaints--which I don’t believe they are, but I recognize they may be open to interpretation--the steady build-up is worrying.

My mother did much the same thing. One mild example was that she would tell me to go wash my face--I had acne, so this could have been reasonable advice. However, it slowly escalated until every time she saw my face, she would suck her breath in between her teeth and cringe. “Go wash your face!” If I complied immediately, there was no reward beyond, “See, isn’t that better?” (Which it wasn’t--the repeated scrubbing made my acne substantially worse.) And even then, within an hour, she would repeat the comment.

And if I didn’t comply? She would keep cringing and insisting until she brought acne pads over to physically drop on top of me before walking off with a smug smile. This despite the fact I was bathing twice a day and scrubbing with one to four of those pads a day. (No wonder my acne got worse, right?)

So when I see these types of minor but incessant insults--nothing big enough that any onlookers would feel comfortable defending Rodimus, nothing serious enough to justify lashing out--it rings alarm bells in my mind.

Furthermore, Rodimus turns away, but Megatron looms right behind him. I find the body language of this interesting--even when Rodimus approached previously, he left roughly an arm’s length between them--enough to not really be getting into Megatron’s bubble despite his frustration. It may be an angle thing, but it seems as though Megatron is closing that distance, subtly physically intimidating Rodimus. He’s closer still in the next panel:

Much less than the almost-arm’s length that Rodimus gave him--and he’s much larger than Rodimus, not to mention more powerful, which means that his physical presence alone can be a weapon. Healing Abuse Working for Change, an abuse prevention group founded in the 70s, specifies “looming over you, getting ‘in your face’ or blocking a doorway” as a variety of physical abuse (source).

Rodimus may have approached Megatron, but he respected Megatron’s space. Megatron did not return the favor--particularly when escalating his ridicule and getting increasingly aggressive in terms of tone and expression.

I’ll discuss other aspects of this panel in a later section--for now I want to focus on the intimidation and the way he insists that it is impossible for Rodimus to do something as adult as ‘take stock’--he is capable of it, but clearly Rodimus is not.

Why? He doesn’t need to state it explicitly; his previous comments are explanation enough. Rodimus is childish for not tailoring his emotional reaction to a traumatic scene to suit Megatron’s needs--and for not conceding the argument to Megatron and arguing about facts.

And when Rodimus turns back to look back at his own corpse?

When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?

Rodimus’ head is bowed, and he looks resigned to me. Another red flag, since that was usually how I reacted to that particular brand of abuse, particularly when my ex or mother got into my personal bubble. If I didn’t shut down and comply, I ran the risk of inciting something worse.

Especially coupled with yet another dig at his emotional maturity and sensitivity, this conclusion to their altercation leaves me queasy.

If you have never been in a relationship where this is the norm, it can be hard to fathom exactly how taxing it is. You think that, if it were bad enough, you would notice. You would leave. But none of these comments are quite unreasonable enough to prompt a full-blown fight; none of them are hills worth dying on, particularly for someone who already has (hidden) self-esteem issues.

I’ve heard a metaphor for situations like these. If you place a frog in a boiling pot, they’ll jump out immediately. But if you place them in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, they get used to it. Eventually, they boil--because they were trained to tolerate minor abuses along the way.

Over time, in an environment where nonstop digs are normalized, they become background radiation. Rodimus turns away, unable to fight back against any single point aside from the few attempts at fact-checking and explanation he already made. It’s not worth fighting. It’s not worth pushing. If he pushed harder, maybe--but Megatron knows what he’s doing. He knows how far to push.

He wrote the script, after all: attack, withdraw, isolate.

Of course, if this scene were the only such example in the series, I would put it down to Megatron waking up on the wrong side of the bed and Rodimus not wanting to deal with the grumpiness. It’s the context of the entire series that informs the cycle.

Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?

Because this panel--containing a very similar dig--takes place a full year later. Instead of encouraging Rodimus or bantering back at him, he dismisses him.

‘But doodling is a sign of inattention and Rodimus should focus!’ you might say. And you would be wrong. As Time reported, doodling helps people focus. So, while teachers and other authority figures demean it, it’s largely because of the lack of respect they (falsely) believe it implies.

Furthermore, even though no one was aware of it, Rodimus was doodling the lost map to Cyberutopia. It’s possible that he was compulsively driven to carve it--and I do mean compulsive in the true sense of the word.

(An aside: I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and, when unmedicated, perform up to six hours of compulsions a day, so I think I’m qualified to make that call.)

He had merged with the matrix--it reformatted him, in fact. It seems reasonable that having the map lodged in his processor would itch like having a word on the tip of his tongue. His doodling in this case would have been more like filling a genuine physical need.

If you have never experienced a genuine compulsion, I can’t explain the visceral need of it. Fighting it down is much like holding your breath--if you hold out too long, it becomes intolerable. You feel like you will die. Like you are actively dying.

Of course, this is conjecture--it’s entirely possible that his doodling serves only the usual purpose: increased focus. And you know what’s a helluva lot more disrespectful than doing what you need to do to focus? Disguising verbal abuse as jokes.

Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?

This example is super upsetting to me. On the surface, yeah, haha, Megatron made a joke, good one, Megs.

But...Rodimus was literally turned inside out. He was left in a dark hallway, alone and in pain, unable to move, unable to speak, for an indeterminate amount of time. Someone violated his mind to remove knowledge so basic it’s fundamental to them as a species.

To make sure not to understate things, let’s ask the psychiatrist who has the most experience with the procedure:

The most painful thing a Cybertronian can ever experience. A mental violation followed by incredible pain.

And that painful-looking mess of organs there in the brig?

That’s Rodimus. Who apparently rushed ahead to shut off the lights and protect the mechs in the brig--mechs who were trapped in place and likely targets for a criminal who likes to feast on ‘sin,’ wouldn’t you say?

Meanwhile Megatron and the others are far enough behind that Sunder has come and gone--turning Rodimus inside out, but not prisoners like Getaway, who were left safely in the dark. The timing, to me, makes it look like Rodimus barely got there in the nick of time.

Which, of course, only gets a disparaging comment from Megatron, who won’t even get off his moral high horse to fight back against Sunder and protect his crew.

Rodimus may or may not be able to hear this condescending comment, but when he comes back to work, fresh out of the medbay? Megatron kicks off by making fun of the experience. Rodimus counters humorlessly--clearly not digging this particular joke--and Megatron follows up with, oh, by the way, the only mech you probably count as a friend these days? Helped me come up with this terrible joke at your expense.

Making fun of your own trauma can be cathartic. Making light of someone else’s trauma, particularly when they’re literally leaving their hospital bed for the first time after the fact? No--that’s cruelty. That’s another example of convincing Rodimus that he’s too sensitive. Can’t he take a joke?

And he does take it--with only a minor dodge. Hence the barbed follow-up.

I would say that this is just an example of a tasteless and poorly thought out joke, but Megatron knows people. We see him manipulate the DJD masterfully--and those are mechs who know him, mechs who know the ins and outs of manipulation and abuse. So I’m inclined to believe that this is deliberate rather than a misstep, especially in light of his follow-up...

He cuts off Rodimus’ attempt to move away from the unpleasant subject by literally talking over him (note the overlap of the speech bubbles) in order to make a ‘joke’ about Rodimus resigning. Which--as we saw in the first scene, as we see in many scenes--is a continual point of contention between them.

Megatron is taking advantage of a moment of probable vulnerability by priming him with a ‘joke’ followed by a comment meant to make him feel alone, and then another ‘joke’ meant to indicate the desired behavior.

This is a pattern I’m familiar with, as you might expect by this point. In the case of my ex, he would use this pattern--making light of something traumatic that had happened to me, following up with a non-apology that referenced the fact that no one wanted to put up with my issues, and then bringing it home with an unsubtle joke about things he wanted to do to me to ‘make me feel better,’ no matter how I tried to indicate my own discomfort.

And I, personally, don’t think that this is any less bad here, even though that was really awful and--after enough rounds of it--inevitably succeeded in getting me to give him what he wanted to make it stop. Because, even if Rodimus seems to be in good spirits, trauma can present itself in different ways. And an experience like that, especially given the complete lack of emotional support he experienced before, during, and after? Yeah, no, I’m not prepared to believe that he's actually unbothered instead of coping by acting tough, not when he tries twice to dodge the ‘joke’.

And I’m also not prepared to believe that Megatron can't see right through that act, especially in light of the fact that he also makes a habit of making fun of Rodimus in front of everyone he can.

Do they make fun of you or put you down in front of others?

Megatron continually puts Rodimus down in front of the crew.

In case the screenshot ends up too small to read, he says, “I hope this puts paid to the notion that I ignore everything my ‘co-captain’ says on the grounds that he’s lazy, petulant, and pathologically ill-suited to command…”

From the air-quotes around ‘co-captain’ to the specific insults he uses, every word of this is supposed to cast himself as the responsible, capable captain and Rodimus as the immature usurper. He maintains a formal voice for his own actions--he’s being magnanimous by agreeing to Rodimus’ rendezvous plan on the planet below. Why, if he doesn’t, Rodimus will probably be petulant and whine about it, so really, any inconvenience is on Rodimus’ unstable emotional state.

Which seems over the top, but look at what he said. He starts by heavily implying that Rodimus shouldn’t be respected as a leader, then follows this assertion with three ‘reasons’ for this.

Lazy - Rodimus goes out of his way--literally--in season one to go on side-quests that help people. He’s always personally willing to go to the frontlines of any conflict he’s willing to risk his crew in. And when the co-captains are each presented with the opportunity to risk their lives for the sake of saving others (Rodimus in #21 and Megatron in #33), they have two very different reactions.

We are shown no panels of Rodimus balking; he immediately allows Perceptor to wire him to the anti-killswitch. When told it might kill him and will certainly destroy the matrix, he says, “There goes our map.” And after spending what might be his last moments telling Minimus the truth about Overlord, he says, “Self-sacrifice, Magnus--it’s cheap. It’s a cheap way out. I need to live so I can make amends and--” before the anti-killswitch cuts him off.

We go on an entire hunt while Megatron avoids coming clean about being able to mass-shift; it’s how we find out Brainstorm is a Decepticon. It takes five pages. And although Megatron agrees in the end, his quote on the matter is, “Oh, I could’ve said something earlier, but here’s a survival tip: when everyone’s lining up to make sacrifices...always get to the back of the queue.”

Which maybe doesn’t qualify as laziness--but it still paints a very different picture than Megatron is doing here.

Another point of fact is that even though Megatron has said in this arc that Rodimus has spent the time since launch hiding, Ravage points out later in the arc that he’s observed the same behavior in Megatron. More on that later--under Double Standards and Projection--but worth noting here to undermine the ‘honesty’ in the lazy point.

Petulant - This particular insult is set up to make Rodimus look emotional and childish. This is a pretty common tactic in abuse--it makes it hard to believe anything the person in question says. After all, they’re a child, do they really know what they’re talking about? Surely they just misremembered. Surely it’s safe to ignore their petulant demands unless you feel like indulging them.

Which is exactly what Megatron is implying he’s doing here. Indulging the whimsy of a child instead of working with the mech who shares his rank.

This particular brand of trivializing is a favorite when setting up for gaslighting, which I’ll talk about later. After all, if you can convince someone they’re immature--that they’re too inexperienced or emotional or downright crazy to trust their own perceptions--then they need to turn to someone with the authority to tell them what the truth is.

And if you can also convince those around the victim that this is true--as the villain does in Gaslight (1944), which gives us the technique’s name--by slandering the victim and undermining their authority, you have others who can ask, ‘Are you sure you didn’t imagine that?’ even when you aren’t around to enforce the reality you want.

The air-quotes around ‘co-captain’ are small, and words like ‘petulant’ are minor--but as Psychology Today’s article on Gaslighting points out, it always starts out slow. These words are weapons--and words have always been Megatron’s weapon of choice.

Pathologically Ill-Suited to Command - The final nail in this sentence’s coffin is this one. As I mentioned above, prepping for gaslighting is easier when you can convince your victim and their would-be support network that the victim is crazy--and here we see Megatron pull out that argument. Pathologically ill-suited to command.

It’s not poor baby Roddy’s fault, you see--his brain isn’t wired for command. He doesn’t have the intelligence of the True Captain. He doesn’t have the stability. He might like to pretend, but these are delusions.

As someone with several mental illnesses (primarily anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, but also depression), I heard this one a lot. A lot. I tried for years to take crazy as a point of pride; sometimes I still want to. But it’s been used as a weapon against me for years. “Are you insane?” prefaced a lot of furious dismissals of innocent requests I made when I was young, but it sometimes still happens when I try again to interact with my family. I also had panic attacks that got called ‘tantrums’ to trivialize them.

Rodimus likely has PTSD--he’s a veteran with a traumatic childhood, after all--and I’ve seen headcanons that he has ADHD. We also know for a fact that he self-harms--and so do all the people Megatron is addressing, since the cuts were visible all the way until the morning of the day this issue began. (It was even commented on when they were looking at Rodimus’ corpse.)

Casually pathologizing someone who visibly self-harms is an easy way of isolating them. Making it an indication that Rodimus is unfit for command? Easier still. It’s also a ready-made dismissal whenever someone doesn’t like your argument. I could offer examples, but this blurb has gone on long enough as it is--and I think every mentally ill person I know could likewise offer examples of it.

This is far from the only time Megatron publicly insults Rodimus in ways that undermine his credibility as a leader. In fact, he does it often enough to have become an in-joke among the crew between Dark Cybertron and the first arc of season 2:

This is the first arc in season 2. The first arc. And yet they’re already saying that Megatron always says this.

Which...isn’t really fair. Rodimus isn’t an engineer. If you review the scene in issue one, he gives the order to jump, and no one tells him that the engines aren’t ready until after they’ve malfunctioned, and even then they can’t tell him why. He immediately has them set down and refuses to take off until they’ve figured out exactly what went wrong--which seems responsible to me.

But, of course, anything that goes wrong can become Rodimus’ fault, even if he wasn’t the one responsible.

Megatron also deliberately insults Rodimus in front of Ultra Magnus, the mech who was, once Drift left, probably the closest thing to a friend Rodimus had on the ship:

Note the way he frames it: “a crisis in morale precipitated by his own woeful captaincy.”

We know people actually liked the Rodimus Stars, even though they were ridiculous. Maybe because they were ridiculous. We saw that in the Trailcutter Spotlight, where the entire story revolved around characters like Trailcutter and Swerve trying to get Rodimus Stars.

Yes, it’s silly. He doesn’t have a great system for passing them out. But that’s not what Megatron focuses on--instead he once again targets Rodimus’ supposed ineptitude.

Am I boring you to tears yet? It’s five hundred insults that all make the same point, one after another, to everyone he can get to listen, for over a year.

Until eventually…

Even the mechs that once supported him are instead convinced that Megatron is correct. Rodimus is incompetent, incapable of leadership--Minimus is comfortable joining Megatron in mocking Rodimus after he took a long weekend off to do something he enjoys.

Something I find interesting about this is that they accuse him of disappearing when there’s work to be done, but he has no idea whatsoever what the work they’re doing is.

In fact, he doesn’t know anything about the situation at all. He’s been gone three days, and they clearly hadn’t started decorating before he left. He even makes the reasonable suggestion of maybe just maybe avoiding the death zone, even if he goes with Megatron’s reasoning in the end.

This implies to me that he didn’t know there was work to be done. Either it came up after he left, or he wasn’t properly informed before he left.

As for the ‘not returning their calls’ bit--I suspect that meteor storms might interfere with comms. I’m fairly sure that’s a repeated subplot in most sci-fi I’ve seen, and the Lost Light’s comms aren’t especially robust at the best of times, let alone whatever handheld or internal unit Rodimus might’ve had.

Leaving things in the hands of Megatron and Minimus for three days--just a long weekend--isn’t irresponsible. Everyone deserves to be allowed to have hobbies. Everyone deserves to have a long weekend now and again, no matter their job. But Megatron has turned this--along with a laundry list of things he himself does--into a way to justify isolating Rodimus.

Isolation

How isolated is Rodimus? Since season two started, there have been no scenes of Rodimus spending downtime with anyone--until Drift returns, the one friend who hasn’t been exposed to months of Megatron’s unending degradation and insults.

It’s possible I missed a scene in my reread, but even though every other member of the group who ends up on the Necroplanet in Dying of the Light has at least a panel of casual or friendly interaction with others, the closest I found for Rodimus was the scene when he was fresh out of the medbay and Megatron made fun of him. Not promising, to say the least.

From all the available evidence, I’d say that Rodimus is an extrovert. He seems more energized in front of crowds, he was so charismatic he was partly responsible for short-circuiting the personality ticks, and he does things like naming his favorite crowd the Rod Squad. He likes people, clearly--and he’s shown repeatedly to care about protecting his crew, as well as total strangers.

He also habitually seeks external validation because of his low self-esteem. Without this kind of support, he resorts to self-harm (see the numbers he carved into his palm) and other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Again--planning to do a Rodimus meta at some point. For now, let’s roll with the idea that he’s a social mech who craves being around others and needs external validation to function, which I don’t think is particularly difficult to believe.

The lack of interpersonal interaction in season two--alongside the belittling comments he faces when he does interact with others--indicate that he’s isolated. He’s a charismatic mech; that’s part of how he helped to kill off the personality ticks. And yet by the time they leave for the Necroplanet, he’s receiving no external validation, no interpersonal support, nothing. He’s alone.

He may not be the best at friendship--but neither are Whirl, Cyclonus, or Swerve, all of whom end up with strong friendships and support networks. Considering the previous section and Megatron’s clear attempts to isolate Rodimus, one can only surmise that he was ultimately successful in cutting him off even from Minimus.

So what does Megatron accomplish by shutting out all sources of external validation, anyone who might rebuild Rodimus after Megatron verbally tears him down?

In my experience, he’s setting himself up to have power over Rodimus. Remember--Rodimus is so full of self-doubt even before the beginning of the series that he reaches out to Ratchet, only to get shot down there. (“Beneath my cocksure exterior I have terribly low self-esteem.”) No longer able to lean heavily on Drift for emotional support and cut off from any positive reinforcement, he’s put in an extremely vulnerable place.

I, too, am an extrovert. Sometimes I’m fairly sure that it makes me intolerable to be around, especially since I do the same reassurance-seeking behavior as Rodimus. If I go too long without interacting with friends, my depression makes a bitter comeback.

Yes, it would be awfully nice if I could go without social interaction or reassurance or positive external feedback in general, and certainly no one is obligated to provide such things for me. But the fact of the matter remains that without these things, I’m left vulnerable and hungry for any scrap of affection I can find.

And, in my experience? My abusers have deliberately starved me from outside attention to put me in that vulnerable state. It was easiest for my mother, which isn’t surprising; she already had absolute power over where I went and who I saw. What she didn’t have--and what she wanted more than anything--was my undivided attention and affection.

So when I displeased her--and there were quite a lot of ways to upset her--one tactic she used was cutting me off from other sources of support. People who could verify that she’d said one thing on Tuesday morning and something radically different by Wednesday night. People who could help me cope with the nonstop insults, the micromanaging, the unbearable pressure.

Without them? I crumbled. I did anything my mother asked--and I apologized when I did it ‘wrong,’ or if I had ‘misunderstood’ the order she’d changed halfway through my obeying it, or if she’d simply forgotten that I had, in fact, obeyed her already. She was the only one who could arbitrate the Truth; I didn’t have anyone else to turn to.

My siblings and I banded together sometimes to stave this off, but at other times they behaved more like Minimus--going along with Mom to keep the peace, to keep her focused on me instead of them, or just because they actually agreed with her, I can’t quite be sure. In the end, I’m not sure that it matters.

For a specific example--I was required to hug my mother and tell her I loved her before I went to bed every night. One night, I could tell she was sleepy when I hugged her, but she said, “I love you, too,” so I thought I was safe.

No such luck--she woke up at two in the morning convinced that I hadn’t hugged her good night or said I loved her. She burst into my room, sobbing and shouting, and I had to stumble out of bed and try to calm her down.

I’m fairly confident that she didn’t cite that as the direct reason for the ensuing silent treatment and enforced ‘family time’ that meant I couldn’t see friends for a while, but the timing was suspicious.

We see this general pattern a few times with Megatron and Rodimus, as well, the most recent of which was in Lost Light #4. I’ll cover other aspects of that later, but, for now:

Transgression: Rodimus asked about teleporters.

Warning: “Hush.”

Withdrawal: “Not now, Rodimus.”

Isolation: Public humiliation.

And that pattern--do something ‘wrong’ to earn punishment, an initial outburst, pulling back with the silent treatment, and then isolating them from others as a way to build tension for a final blowout? Uh...

That’s a script Megatron wrote a long time ago, and he knows exactly how effective it can be.

Ultimately, what Megatron gets out of setting himself up as the only one to interact one-on-one with Rodimus is a lack of oversight, a lack of outside influence, and--if he presses hard enough, if he twists Rodimus around for long enough, if he sways the opinions of enough of the crew--eventually he might succeed in becoming sole captain of their merry band. With Minimus in his pocket? It’d be a recipe for total control over not just Rodimus, but the entire group.

Rage

“This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere… It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.” (“Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC)

This is what most people think of when they picture abuse--the most violent of the symptoms. It’s also the one that Megatron has deliberately been keeping in check, pulling it out only when the long game he’s playing is at risk of being cut short.

I have said before that abuse can only be viewed in a pattern--one instance of shouting doesn’t necessarily make an abusive relationship. In the context of an abusive relationship, however, even one instance of rage is a powerful tool for controlling someone. Even if someone never again takes it ‘that far,’ the victim remembers. And they know that the threat is always going to be present.

When I was fifteen, I did something to upset my mother. To this day, I have no memory of exactly what I did wrong. What I do remember is my mother taking a book and slamming it against my temple so hard that it knocked me to the floor. She then grabbed me by the hair and dragged me up to scream in my face. I remember being held high enough that my knees weren’t on the floor, but my legs were still bent--the only point of contact I had with the world was my toes. I remember being so terrified that I had no idea what she was saying other than the tone, the way spit hit my face. She then stormed out of the house and blamed me for it.

The older of my two younger sisters tried to run away that night, and I nearly jumped off the roof of our house. I remember very clearly that the only reason I didn’t was because I was convinced that I would only break my legs, and she would use it as an excuse to trap me at home with her.

Beyond that, my memories blur. I remember that either that night--or perhaps another night--my littlest sister caught our mother’s attention. I remember making an attempt to distract our mother. Was that why she attacked me? I don’t remember. Did I make her more upset? I don’t remember, although I recall fearing I had. What I do remember is the moment that she grabbed my seven-year-old sister and threw her--physically threw her--out of the way. My sister landed wrong--on her wrist--and broke a bone. I remember her crying. I remember my mother telling her to shut up. I remember that it took a while before Mom took her to the hospital, and then that we were all ordered not to tell anyone how she’d broken the wrist.

Aside from these instances, my mother never laid a hand on any of us.

She never had to. It’s been twelve years--almost thirteen years--and I still feel it every time we interact. I remember that she’s capable of it. I remember that she was willing to shift her rage onto the more easily accessible target despite my best efforts. All the way until I moved out--and beyond then, and into the present--it’s kept me from being willing to confront her about some of the worse things she says and does.

It’s been over a decade and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that fear. For a while, I was so deeply afraid of even sharing the story--after being ordered to be silent about it--that I think I’ve only told a few of my closest friends and my therapist. The only reason I’m sharing it now is because I’m posting this anonymously. Because, at heart, I am still afraid.

Now, I could cover the handful of examples of Megatron hitting characters here. I could make conjectures about how Rodimus cares more about the wellbeing of others than his own, and threats of violence against characters like Trailcutter, Perceptor, and Minimus would be more likely to keep him in line than violence against his own person. I know that was true for me.

But none of those were done directly in front of Rodimus, even though he would have heard about them later. That makes it harder to draw conclusions about without wandering a bit too far off panel. So I’ll be discussing physical violence in those characters’ subsections--and for now, I’ll be looking at the times Megatron has threatened violence directly at Rodimus.

In context, Rodimus respectfully said that he and the others were reporting for duty; he even saluted. Megatron then ordered all of them to carry Ravage back to Ratchet, and Rodimus objected.

What was his objection? Was it, ‘but this is only half of Ravage, and even Ratchet probably needs both halves to repair him’? Was it, ‘but there are a lot of us, and probably we don’t all need to carry Ravage, so maybe some of us could stay and help’? We don’t get to find out, because Megatron doesn’t accept any objection to his orders, no matter how softly or respectfully put.

In this scene, with the DJD nearby, his long game is, as I said, at risk of being cut short. So he breaks out the rage to terrify Rodimus into unquestioning compliance.

What’s more, it worked. They all fled.

Maybe this doesn’t look like violence to some of you. But his expression and the way he towers over Rodimus as he screams? Looks almost identical to my mother’s face in the anecdote I shared above. And to me, that screaming was violence.

In fact, screaming like that was the only kind of violence my abusive ex-boyfriend perpetrated against me. He was physically larger than me; he would get me cornered in a bus seat and loom over me exactly like this while screaming insults. And I know for a fact that some people don’t think this counts, or believe this behavior can be justified--when I reached out to the older of my two younger sisters about how he kept doing this, she told me that I deserved it, and she wasn’t the only one.

As a result, in the context of Megatron’s treatment of Rodimus, and in the context of this being a tool that worked to control him, I would personally count it as an abusive tactic--one that I believe was deliberate. Especially since he never apologized.

And then, almost immediately after Rodimus risks his life to save Megatron…

Rodimus is standing directly behind Ratchet as they try to convince him to pretty please put down the gun, as we can see in the next panel:

And, of course, Megatron pulls the gun on them--all of them. And Rodimus, the one who brought him through the portal, the one who rescued him, is looking down the barrel of a fusion cannon over Ratchet’s shoulder. This group of mechs--the Rod Squad, his favorite people--are all being threatened.

And then Megatron says that it’s time he left, and it’s hard not to think, under the circumstances, that he means he’s done playing at being an Autobot, done being nice. He’s wearing Tarn’s mask as a deceptibrand, for goodness’ sake! For all intents and purposes, at this moment, it looks like Megatron is through with the quest and has no intention of going to trial.

A few days later--or however long it takes them to build the Den and end up on Functionist Cybertron--you can see that Rodimus is still thinking about this:

There are other potential explanations, of course, but--in context? I find it both telling and worrying that Rodimus’ instinctive reaction when Megatron shouts his name is a full-frame flinch. Not with battle prep or defensive stances or anything that would indicate he learned this response from being ordered around in battle. Just the same sort of flinch I still sometimes get when my mother raises her voice.

And, although it’s been a bit since I used this format, let’s answer another question from the checklist:

Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?

This is the last example I’m going to use for rage--and a tirade like this is an example of out-of-nowhere fury used to shock Rodimus into silence.

The thing is? Megatron pulled all of this out of his tin-plated ass.

In this scene, Rodimus did not once mention the Lost Light. He only tries to ask about the teleporters, and then Megatron derails him with this.

Now, I’m going to give JRo the benefit of the doubt, here. Instead of assuming he’s forgotten about Nyon--the core of Rodimus’ backstory--and abandoned Rodimus’ main driving force as a character by having him sacrifice others to get what he wants instead of, y’know, literally being willing to risk his life saving people at every single opportunity he’s ever had… Instead of pinning writing that terrible on JRo, I’m going to assume instead that Megatron cut off and then derailed Rodimus before he could suggest what he actually had in mind. Misunderstandings and assumptions being thwarted both play a role in JRo’s writing, after all.

And, with any thought at all, it actually makes perfect sense that Rodimus might need teleporters for a plan--for saving the people of this Cybertron, not for tracking down the Lost Light. These mechs aren’t safe on Cybertron, even in this supposed ‘sanctuary city’--and there’s no way to transport all of them offworld. There are too many of them--we see veritable thousands in the streets.

So how do you save everyone? Do you start another war to rise up against your oppressors--because the first one went so well--or do you get everyone the hell off the planet?

Sure, maybe Rodimus wants to use the teleporter after the fact. I’d be surprised if he didn’t--he left half the crew he still has on a distant planet with a bunch of potentially dangerous strangers.

As for why Rodimus responds to this accusation the way he does instead of by saying what he actually intended--have you ever been accused of the worst thing? Something that is so antithetical to your character that you feel like the person accusing you of it has never interacted with you? How could you have given this person the idea that you would ever, in a million years ever, consider doing what they’ve just accused you of?

Well, you see, that confusion? That disorientation? The scrambling to find any common ground to argue on and finding that you have no footing because you don’t even know what to expect--what’s real and what you’ve made up? Leaving you floundering to counter a point in a way that at least connects to their reality?

That’s another abuse tactic. And it’s called gaslighting.

Gaslighting

“Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

I have more experience with gaslighting than literally any other form of abuse, to the point that I still struggle to believe that my memory isn’t just faulty, that I’m not just overreacting, that these things really did happen, that I’m not the one making things up. That’s why I extensively cite every point I make: I feel as though no one will trust me or my word, but maybe if I bring in enough data points--enough hard facts--it’ll make up for the fact that I’m the one writing it.

Gaslighting seems so minor, and it is so hard to point to examples when you’re living in it. Even the extensive trauma I described above doesn’t hold a candle to the scars left by decades of gaslighting. I cannot overstate how deeply emotionally scarring it is, the way it can change the entire way you see the world, the way it makes trusting yourself and others almost impossible at times.

This is a hard section for me to write. Perhaps the hardest, in fact, and I say that despite the fact that writing the last section gave me flashback nightmares so intense I couldn’t sleep for three days. To get through the experience, I’m using the framework offered by the article linked in the above description and referencing other sections of this meta post. Any brevity in this section is a result not of a lack of evidence in canon but of an overabundance of my own trauma.

And with that disclaimer, let’s dig in.

They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

“You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

I would personally amend this to say that they deny they ever said or did something, even if you have proof. This can range quite a lot:

“Mom, you said that you’d already picked up the stuff for my school project, but I can’t find it anywhere. Where is it?”

“You never even told me you had a project! This is what happens when you leave everything to the last minute.”

“But I have your text message right here?”

“Let me see that. No, no, that’s not what I meant at all, why would you think that was what I meant? Are you stupid?”

Which was a pretty staple ‘misunderstanding’ in our house, but less frustrating than the times my mother’s reaction to evidence was to say, “I swear to God that I never said that, and if I’m lying, may He strike me down where I stand!” Which was, unfortunately, at least as common--more common, actually, when we were in public. And when God didn’t smite her, she gave us a smug smile and considered herself proven right.

As this escalated--gradually, over the course of my entire childhood--eventually she built to a moment so big and so obvious that I actually realized what she was doing. That it wasn’t forgetfulness. That it wasn’t a case of repeated misunderstandings. That she was reconstructing reality as it suited her, and I was powerless to stop her.

What moment could possibly have been jarring enough to open my eyes to that? I talked in the rage section about the night my mother knocked me to the ground and hauled me up by my hair. What I didn’t tell you is that after she dropped me back to the floor again, I looked up at her and, still sobbing, asked her why she’d hit me in the head with her address book.

“I didn’t,” she said, still towering over me as I lay curled on the floor. “I would never.”

“Then--” Maybe it was her hand, I thought. Maybe I was confused. I felt so disoriented and terrified and I didn’t understand what was happening. “Then why did you pull my hair?”

“I didn’t,” and she looked angry enough to do it all over again. “It must have gotten caught in the zipper.”

The zipper, of course, being on the address book she’d just denied smacking me with.

When I tried to point out this logical flaw, she redirected--and then stormed out of the house, blaming me for the fact that she needed to abandon us. Even though she came home a few hours later, the guilt worked--and I was too afraid to bring up the incident ever again.

And here’s where I’ll be frank--I said that that incident opened my eyes. And it did--but not that night. That night, I was terrified I’d imagined the whole thing. I had no evidence. She’d hit me, but it hadn’t left a mark. She’d pulled me up by the hair to bellow in my face, but I couldn’t even remember what she’d said.

If my siblings hadn’t been there to question her with me--to reaffirm it had actually happened--to be honest? I might to this day believe it was a nightmare. That she’d never actually laid a hand on me. And that’s what long-term, slow-build gaslighting does.

So--a few small denials, a pointed redirection whenever holes get poked at, all of that seems trivial in comparison, I’m sure. But it builds. It has to start small if the abuser hopes to normalize it. Because, at first? You question them. You start hoarding evidence. But if it goes on long enough? You start to question yourself. You start to question any evidence that you, personally, collected. Eventually you’re left questioning yourself so often that you stop questioning them.

Which is why even minor instances of gaslighting--if they’re part of an abusive pattern--should be noted as soon as possible.

In this case, Megatron asserts he’s been saying something when Rodimus has proof that he hasn’t even been around to say it. He says it both to belittle Rodimus and to set up a reality where he’s been dutifully doing his job instead of secretly doing prep work for the ultimate supervillain device in his habsuite (I’m talking, of course, about the antimatter he spends months channeling, almost certainly in violation of his parole).

Before you doubt Rodimus--and I wouldn’t be surprised if you did, because another goal of gaslighting is to make others doubt the perception of the victim--I’ll point out that Ultra Magnus also comments on Megatron hiding himself away.

So Megatron was lying to begin with--he hasn’t been saying that for weeks. He hasn’t been in a position to say anything to Rodimus for weeks. And when called out on it, he neither apologizes for the lie nor even allows time to address the fact that he did so. Instead, he picks something we know to be a sore point--and therefore a good distraction.

Taking stock, not sulking. Because, as Rodimus clearly remembers:

And from the way Rodimus reacts? Especially given my own experiences? I would guess that this wasn’t the only time Megatron said it--just the only time caught on camera, so to speak.

Also, yes--in the next panel, Megatron claims that he’s been working, something that both Ultra Magnus and Rodimus have both confirmed isn’t true. The truth is that he’s channeling antimatter for his own purposes--regardless of whether he eventually uses them to benefit the others, with no one aware he’s setting this up, he has no oversight.

They tell blatant lies.

“You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

These lies, in my experience, can range from nearly inconsequential to the extreme. My mother would routinely tell me that I hadn’t said something that my siblings later confirmed I said, but that could be dismissed as forgetfulness or poor hearing. She would also tell me that I’d promised to do something when we’d never discussed the matter in the first place, then tell me that I was the one forgetting. That was a little harder to handle--my siblings didn’t listen to every conversation between me and Mom, so I had no one to back me up. It’s much more difficult to prove you never discussed something than to prove that you did.

But, like I said--minor. Hard to prove or disprove. These tiny lies make it hard to trust reality and harder to trust your memory or judgment. These are also almost impossible to point to when discussing abuse with those who have never experienced it, because they look like misunderstandings at worst. It’s insidious and frustrating and only when you get to a big lie--the kind you build up to over years (or after more than twenty issues)--that you can point to it and say, “See? I have proof. I can prove this time it isn’t true!”

Megatron is claiming--genuinely daring to claim--that he was the one to first suggest stopping to help people along the way. When he’s been complaining about Rodimus’ so-called “side-quests” since day one. In season one alone, we saw them stop on the DJD homeworld so Ratchet could help cure a plague, Temptoria to rescue prisoners being used as batteries, and, eventually, the Big Hero moment when Tailgate uses a semicolon to save them all.

Except something that nobody seems to talk about in season two--as far as I’ve found, at least--is the fact that Rodimus is actually the one who saved all the constructed cold mechs with the help of Perceptor. Tailgate shutting off the suggestion beam and shutting down the Legislators was also critical to the operation’s success, of course, and I’m hardly going to say that Tailgate doesn’t deserve his due credit, but Rodimus was also fully ready to die for a universe of strangers.

I covered this above when talking about how Megatron called him lazy, but let’s pull in the panels for comparison’s sake.

Here we see Rodimus getting hooked up without a single panel of hesitation. As soon as they were ready to wire him in, he went.

He asks if it’ll kill him and has no qualms when he’s given a decided maybe.

And when he does save the CC mechs, you would expect, wouldn’t you, that he would never let anyone else forget it. After all, everyone (especially Megatron) insists he’s a self-centered jerk. But he lets Tailgate take full credit, and the only mention of Rodimus’ role in the proceedings after the fact comes when Optimus gets angry at him for destroying the Matrix.

Meanwhile Megatron drags his feet for five pages as the foam gets progressively worse and more dangerous, hoping they’ll find Brainstorm’s shrink ray so that someone else can go in his place.

But it was Megatron--who stays on the ship, who sends mechs to do battle but spares himself from the dirty work that would strip him of his self-righteous high horse--who first had the idea to help people. Right. One hundred percent his idea, and Rodimus should have told him they were saving organics so he could leave them to die.

It’s a lie. It’s a big enough lie that anyone could point to it and objectively prove that it’s not true. But Megatron says it, and Rodimus placates him instead of fighting him on it. He’s just happy that lives are getting saved; he doesn’t try to take any of the credit.

I find it unpleasantly relatable that Rodimus’ first reaction is no longer to correct Megatron, as he once did--in fact, as he did in the last example where we caught Megatron out in an obvious lie--but instead to offer him something to calm him down. Something to mitigate fallout. Something I, myself, have done countless times.

Their actions do not match their words.

“When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

I want to write a separate meta post about Megatron’s bullshit redemption arc because I don’t want my opinions on that to distract from the primary point I’m trying to make with this meta. However, it also fits this point to an almost ludicrous degree.

Rather than break down Megatron’s entire character arc, I’ll focus on a few relevant points and save the rest for another post.

What Megatron says: “I am on this quest to make amends by finding a new world for our people after destroying our original planet.”

What Megatron does: never apologizes to the people he wronged using his own words, takes control of a privately owned neutral vessel with the help of a mech who holds no democratically appointed position nor has any kind of oversight, deliberately sends them three jumps off course to the necroplanet for the express purpose of derailing the quest.

What Megatron says: “I’ve renounced violence.”

What Megatron does: continues to send others into battles he’s not willing to fight, refuses to act even when it means that his crew will likely suffer casualties, orders acts of violence from behind the protective distance of a screen.

What Megatron says: “It’s not about me! I am taking a vow of pacifism because, if I were to pick up a weapon again, I would be unstoppable.”

What Megatron does: continues to reach for the dark matter that would make him unstoppable (even at the cost of shirking his duties--note that he missed Brainstorm’s trial), continues to risk the lives of others--apparently, by this logic, for their own good.

I could go into greater depth--I hope that someday I will get to tear this particular topic open--but, for now, I’ll leave it at this. What Megatron says can be very pretty, particularly if you ignore the overblown narcissism hidden in the message, but in practice it’s functionally worthless. He does virtually nothing to actually advance the honorable goals he’s espousing--only enough to make himself look good and noble.

This is something my mother and ex excel at. My mother can talk anyone into believing she’s a good and loving person who gives everything she has for us kids, tailoring how she frames her beliefs to most please whoever her audience is. Growing up, I heard a lot about how lucky I was to have such a loving and wonderful mom. My mom has even been able to talk me in circles--‘I only threatened you with a pray-away-the-gay camp because I wanted you to know you had other options! I didn’t want you to be bullied, so I had no choice but to completely isolate you from your DFAB friends any time your sexual orientation came up!’

Only, uh, of course I’m not framing that the way she did. That’s just what all the pretty talk amounted to. I only picked it apart years after moving out of the house.

Actions speak louder than words--because in situations with this brand of abuse, words are just tools to further the abuse, not tools for honest communication. With gaslighting, especially, words are meant to confuse.

They know confusion weakens people.

“Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

Gaslighting has profound effects over time. In “Identifying Victims of Narcissistic Abuse” on Psych Central, the provided list offers some idea of the scope of the damage that victims endure.

What I find most interesting about that list in the context of this meta post, though, is that it increasingly describes Rodimus as season two of MTMTE and then Lost Light each progress. From second guessing and increasing difficulty concentrating and making decisions to being highly strung and irritable to fear responses when Megatron says his name, this all actually adds up to a potentially realistic picture of how trauma can affect someone.

It’s not pretty. In fact, it can leave people looking and feeling unstable, which adds further fuel to the gaslighting fire.

I can’t say for sure whether JRo intends Rodimus’ increasingly erratic (and, at times, desperate and out of character) behavior to be read as a response to this prolonged abuse. I hope he does--it makes more sense to me than the alternatives.

Especially since this particular article on gaslighting goes on to cover many of the points I’ve already addressed in this meta, which I think hammers home their severity.

They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

“They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

I could rehash this point--but I’ve already spent several thousand words on it. From mocking the Rod Pod to tearing down Rodimus’ identity as a leader and a hero to rattling off reason after reason why he’s worthless, the entire degradation section could fit under this bullet point.

They wear you down over time.

“This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

Once again, a point I covered in previous sections. Abuse builds up bit by bit, allowing the abuser to skate by without being called out. What would have looked like a vicious and unfair tirade at the beginning of the abuse--uncalled for and baseless--eventually looks like a righteous ‘dressing down’ of a petulant child.

They tell you or others that you are crazy.

“This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

This is the reason I homed in on that particular choice of words by Megatron in the degradation section. It seems like it’s no big deal--all varieties of this abuse seem like they’re no big deal. Until they build and build and suddenly everyone believes--both in the comic and in the fandom--that Rodimus deserves the treatment he receives at Megatron’s hands and should not be trusted with any serious task. Everyone immediately believes the worst of him in every situation.

They try to align people against you.

“Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

And here we have the final critical point I covered above--the result of all the dismissive comments, the intention behind the isolation. No one trusts Rodimus’ judgment. No one trusts Rodimus to even have good intentions anymore.

It’s a personal hell for someone as extroverted as Rodimus--and it could all end if he ceded power to Megatron. And wouldn’t that be easier?

They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

“This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

This seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? If you’re spending months or years breaking someone down, why would you ever throw in a compliment?

The thing is, this particular brand of abuse--this variety of manipulation--makes the victim especially susceptible to praise as a weapon. When starved of praise, it’s natural to crave it. And in two rereads of season 2? I found exactly one instance of someone praising Rodimus. In issue 43, Rodimus says that Swerve called him the best dancer he’d ever seen. Other than that? Nothing. I reread twice specifically looking for positive comments about Rodimus, and there was absolutely nothing for him.

I was lucky enough to have friends who told me that I was worth something even when I was being abused. And even then, I craved praise from my mother more than anyone--both because she’d conditioned me to look to her above all the others, and because she was the one who was the hardest to please.

Of course, when she did praise me, it was either performative--‘look what a good mother I am’--or it was to get me to do something that I desperately did not want to do. “You’re such a good daughter, (name)--I know you actually do love us. That’s why you’re looking forward to this three month trip (where you’ll have no contact with any of your friends and no means of escape), right?”

And I went. So help me, once she pulled out that card, I honestly believed I had no choice but to go. Every summer, I fell in line.

If I’d been as starved of praise as Rodimus had--if my mother had succeeded in fully isolating me as she so often tried to do--I don’t think I could have pushed back on any subject at all.

At the start of Lost Light, the issue summary indicates it’s been five years since the ship first took off. Assuming half of that was during season two, that’s two and a half years--during which we only have evidence of a single, passing compliment. Especially for someone like Rodimus, that’s downright devastating.

And then Megatron drops this bomb during their most critical argument:

It works.

Rodimus stops pushing. Rodimus stops fighting him. Stops begging him to help them not die by standing with them instead of watching them fight from a screen, directing them in how to die. (Which he doesn’t do, by the way--he makes no contact with the group once they leave until he strides out onto the battlefield.)

This is the antithesis of everything Megatron has said for the last two-ish years. This is everything that Rodimus has wanted to hear.

It’s pure manipulation, of course--Megatron goes back to doubting Rodimus’ leadership and judgment without a single pause. He doesn’t hear Rodimus out on the battlefield or on functionist Cybertron. If this compliment had been genuine? He would have.

But no. It was a means to an end, and it worked. Rodimus did exactly as Megatron wanted. As Megatron knew he would.

The final point the article on gaslighting brings up is one I want to address separately--projection and double standards.

Projection

“They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.” (“Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC)

“They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior.” (“11 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship” by Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.)

Megatron has claimed--first to Optimus and later to everyone who would listen--that he would find success where Rodimus found failure. It was part of his sales pitch to avoid imprisonment until his retrial.

So he said then, when they had no map and their only plan was to track down Thunderclash, who was having visions to guide him toward Cyberutopia. And, once they’d found him, the map he’d carved was destroyed in the fight with the personality ticks, leaving them rudderless once again.

Or so it seemed.

Up until this point, Megatron has disapproved of Rodimus taking supposedly pointless sidequests. However, as soon as Rodimus produces a hand-carved map to Cyberutopia, he changes his tune.

Rodimus has just very reasonably expressed that Cyberutopia is in the opposite direction and given his position as co-captain: they need to stay on task and find the Knights. Here, Megatron overrides him without even acknowledging that, technically speaking, he doesn’t have veto power. Of course he gets the final say even if they share the same rank. Why shouldn’t he? Co-captain is a position made up for Rodimus’ ego; if Megatron decides that it’s time for a literally pointless sidequest, then it’s time to start getting the quantum engine jumping.

He looks so smug as Rodimus arches an optic ridge in the background. No one questions Megatron’s authority to make the executive override here, though, including Ultra Magnus, who would be the one in the best position to point out that the captains share a rank and Megatron can’t just arbitrarily ignore the chain of command. Ultra Magnus is also probably the closest thing Rodimus has to a friend on the ship, and he still doesn’t speak in Rodimus’ support here.

Even though, by the terms of the quest and Megatron’s parole? Rodimus is the one clearly in the right.

Megatron has been accusing Rodimus of shirking responsibility, of laziness, and at one point of not having the steel to face his own death (in the form of his corpse). And yet, when they can finally actually get on the right path--when Rodimus has hand-delivered a map--his first action is specifically to derail the quest.

And for what possible reason?

Because of character flaws he’s been accusing Rodimus of since day one.

Of not facing his death quickly enough.

Of not even being able to start the quest--when, of the two of them, Megatron is the one who sent them deliberately off course as soon as he could.

Of vanishing when work needs to be done.

This is all par for the course with projection. It can look coincidental; it can even on occasion look well-intentioned. But it ultimately comes from a self-centered place where the one doing the projection can have a few possible motives.

Self-Centered Motive 1: Being unable to conceive of motives separate from those they would have.

Self-Centered Motive 2: Being unable to conceive of being wrong about someone’s internal motivations--or, indeed, about any assessment they make.

Self-Centered Motive 3: Deliberately using the projection to cover for one’s own behavior. (This isn’t necessarily indicative of shame or guilt; it can be done to draw attention away from behavior they believe they will face repercussions for when they would like to continue perpetrating said behavior.)

Self-Centered Motive 4: Deliberately using the project to confuse and disorient an abuse victim, putting them on the defensive. (After all, “No, you,” is an argument that could be regurgitated by a ‘petulant’ two-year-old and therefore easy to dismiss, particularly when you habitually tell others that your victim is just childish and overly sensitive.)

The first and second motives are unlikely to be the case for Megatron, who is a master-class strategist used to dealing with schemers. He wouldn’t be able to remain several steps ahead if he was unable to read intentions behind other people’s choices. He also wouldn’t have lasted particularly long as leader of the Decepticons if he couldn’t infer the motivations of others.

Meanwhile, motives three and four would serve him extremely well, particularly in this situation. If he spends sixteen issues convincing the crew that Rodimus is the irresponsible one holding back the quest, if Rodimus tries to counter by saying, “But you’re the one trying to keep us off course!”--well. Can you imagine anyone taking him seriously?

Oh wait. You don’t have to--they had that argument in Lost Light #4.

And, as Megatron knew would happen, even Minimus Ambus believed his lie. No one--no one at all--believed Rodimus or took his side.

Great bit of misdirection, isn’t it? It also has the benefit of leaving Rodimus doubting himself--questioning whether he actually is working hard enough. That’s the gaslighting aspect of the technique; it destabilizes your reality and makes it harder to question what your abuser says about you or asks of you. Because if you and you alone think that something is true? Peer pressure is likelier to silence you.

It won’t always--the Asch conformity experiments are an interesting place to begin for further research, if you’re interested--but in those experiments, even though it was clearly objective reality being described, only one in four participants consistently fought majority opinion. When it’s something more nebulous--personality traits, personal failings--it seems likely to be a little harder to fight.

And when you’re already being conditioned not to fight this particular person (with bouts of rage and the other abuse techniques I’ve described here), it can be hard to convince yourself that it would be worth fighting in the first place.

Mix this with Rodimus’ already present self-worth and guilt issues? And it’s frankly stunning to me that he contradicts Megatron as often as he actually does. I know that I didn’t have it in me that often--it’s almost unspeakably exhausting to have this kind of fight, particularly when you have no one on your side and no hard evidence to point to.

This is still relatively early into the abuse, admittedly--six months after the trial. But Rodimus is still trying to assert his own reality in the face of Megatron projecting.

And he is projecting. Need proof? Ask Ravage an hour or two later in this arc:

He’s been sitting in his room for six months, the same as Rodimus. But to distract others from that fact, he loudly accuses Rodimus of it--publicly, purposefully. “I ‘take stock.’ You sulk. You’re sulking now.”

As the second blurb says, it puts Rodimus in a position where he must defend himself against the accusations, distracting from the fact that Megatron is also doing this.

And it works: Rodimus goes on the defensive, and no one questions the narrative that Megatron is setting up.

This narrative allows Megatron to twist situations (and facts) to suit himself with relative impunity.

Twisting

“When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.” (“Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC)

Megatron avoids apologizing like the plague. He apologizes exactly once in the series--and then leaves without trying to get the injured party to the medical bay or calling a medic, which makes it more than a bit hollow. Beyond that? He never apologizes for his actions during the war--for Grindcore, for setting up the DJD, etc--and he also never apologizes for things like decking Perceptor and nearly sending him through a computer screen. He certainly never apologizes for his behavior toward Rodimus.

Instead, he twists the situation so that he’s justified in his awful behavior or so that the blame falls on someone else. He does this, too, when something threatens the narrative he’s been building or Rodimus ‘disobeys’ him. For example, when Rodimus overrides his condescending hush command that Megatron had no place issuing...

Rodimus is offering a potential counter-strategy that Megatron hasn’t approved: evacuation and escape. It’s something they discussed while Megatron met the ‘troops’ instead of coming to the briefing:

A solution Rodimus brought up at the time, using the same language he describes the teleporter with above:

So he’s trying to work out, it seems, whether there’s a possibility of rescuing the mechs already teleported away--and whether there’s a chance they could get all of these civilians to safety.

I discussed this possibility in rage, but I’d like to look at a different panel for the lead-up to that, where Megatron twists the narrative:

See how he turns his controlling and dismissive behavior (“Hush, not now.”) into an attack that invents a sinister motive Rodimus is clearly supposed to apologize for? This being despite the fact that all Rodimus asked about was teleporters--something that would be absolutely vital in evacuating a civilian population off-planet.

It’s a successful twisting of the situation--successful enough that even I bought it on my first read-through. Despite everything, despite all logic and circumstance and evidence, Megatron convinced even me that his narrative was the right one.

But when I read again? It was groundless. Megatron describes Rodimus as being obsessed; if he’s referring to the paint job, then Drift pointed out it lends itself to multiple interpretations--including mourning. Other than that, all Rodimus has done is organize a plan to get them home. Nothing about his behavior reads as obsessive to me.

But let’s stick to these panels and break it down:

Rodimus attempts to participate in the conversation. Considering that he and Rodimus share a rank and the group is currently planning what to do, it’s perfectly appropriate for Rodimus to try to pitch in, especially since he was the one at the briefing while Megatron met the ‘troops’ in another area. He knows more about the situation than Megatron in some ways, and he’s trying to use that information to help.

But Megatron gets visibly angry and tries to shut the attempt down. Based on his behavior through the series as well as my own experiences, I think I can guess why.

Rodimus ‘disobeyed’ him, which undermines the vision Megatron has of himself as the ‘real’ captain. The image he’s been trying to sell the crew. If he can spin this as Rodimus being childish, he can salvage the situation and maintain his narrative. Scolding him like a child sets that up.

It’s technically also possible that he’s somehow forgetting Rodimus’ experiences with Nyon and nonstop heroism despite being present for both, although that seems like an awfully large and uncharitable lapse on his part.

This implies to me that this isn't the first time Megatron has dismissed Rodimus like this--but before Rodimus can call him out further, Megatron twists the narrative, and now it's not about teleporters or exit strategies. It's a personal attack on Rodimus.

This comes, frankly, out of nowhere. It's an unprovoked attack against someone who shares his rank and is trying to contribute to the planning process--you know, trying to do his job.

Here's the thing. I'm familiar with these derailing types of attacks--where anything I do can get twisted and turned into something that requires an apology when I'm (a) trying to help, (b) doing my job, and (c) trying to do it respectfully but also efficiently due to time crunches. And, like Rodimus, I've been baited into shouting back at my abusers.

It's a win-win for them. Sure, they derailed first--they shouted first--but since I fought back, it can't be abuse. Since I got distracted from the point I wanted to make, I proved them right. I'm too sensitive. I deserve to be ‘taken to task’ or ‘put in my place’ or whatever euphemism you care to use. Because I stop looking like a crying victim on the floor, it stops counting as abuse.

If you think I'm exaggerating, I can assure you I'm not. Read any comment thread about abuse or assault and see how long it takes for people to find reasons why this person wasn't really a victim. Why they deserved it.

I should have talked above--under almost every section--about my abusive ex-boyfriend. Really, it's painful how much is relevant. But I haven't, because… Fuck me, this is the sixth complete rewrite of this section, and I'm still tearing up. I haven't, and it's because experience has convinced me that no one will take my side because I wasn't a good enough victim.

I'll keep it simple and relevant--just a single example that I feel parallels the above scene. It happened within a week of when my mom hit me; I was 15. My ex was failing a writing class, and he showed me his homework. I thought he was asking for feedback, since, y'know, he was failing. But I only got as far as saying he'd misused a comma before he told me to shut up.

I say he told me. That sounds so mild. We were sitting near the front of the school bus together; I was trapped between him and the window. He had eight inches and fifty pounds on me, and he used it to loom over me like Megatron continually looms over Rodimus. I say he told me to shut up; he got in my face and screamed it in front of a bus full of our peers.

He then proceeded to scream insults at me until he was red in the face. I wasn't qualified to judge his commas, I was an idiot, on and on. He had a bad habit of yelling at me in 1337-sp34k--yes, out loud--because it made him feel intelligent when I couldn't understand it. To be honest, I think that parallels with Megatron’s consistent condescending use of ‘big words’--the point of communication is to communicate, not to feel smart about our superior vocabulary.

Like Megatron, he would get loud and condescending and demeaning and use speech I couldn't understand to prove that I wasn't as smart as he was. Like Megatron, he would loom over me, using his height and bulk to intimidate me when I started getting ‘uppity’ or otherwise ticked him off. Like Megatron, he mostly did this when we had an audience--it was other types of abuse he perpetrated in private.

And, like Rodimus, sometimes I backed down--but sometimes I shouted back.

Not often. Usually I kept it to a few incredulous statements. But there were times when he said something so shocking, so untrue, I had to defend myself--like Rodimus does in this scene. And--once again, like Rodimus--I got so ‘het up’ that I would lose my point, forget my words, and find it impossible to actually figure out how to fight his points. Partly because they were so groundless it felt like there was no evidence I could pull to counter them.

I told my sister about it, once. And she said that since I yelled back sometimes, I deserved it.

She wasn't the only one to say that, but it hurt the most coming from her. And it hurts again when I read posts about Megatron and Rodimus where people talk about how great it is that Megatron finally put Rodimus in his place, how much Rodimus deserved to be screamed at. It's just fiction, true, but in the back of my mind, I always think, ‘If I told you that this happened to me, would you say I deserved it, too?’

Because I've seen very little recognition of the fact that victims do sometimes fight back. They often pay for it, but when you're driven into a corner you don't lie down and take it every time.

No one looks like a Hollywood victim all the time--crying and ‘weak’ and only staying because of fear. Anyone of any personality type can be abused. And abusers are experts at seeming like good, upstanding people; they need to be able to build a narrative that casts them as the hero or anti-hero. You need to see a whole pattern to recognize them for what they are--and they're invested in hiding that pattern by any means necessary so they won't lose that control, that power over both their current victim and other future victims.

Some abusers apologize going into the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle as part of perpetuating that narrative. Others avoid taking blame at any cost, refusing to take responsibility for their actions. Megatron makes excuses rather than apologies and never does the work to make amends; like my abusive ex, he thinks experiencing any guilt at all absolves him of the hard work of fixing things. It doesn't; feeling bad is meaningless. It accomplishes nothing. And excuses relieve that guilt--the false high of unearned absolution.

Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?

It’s not his fault, you see! This murder squad he personally trained massacred two hundred of his crew members (the theory at the time of this panel was a ‘near future’ scenario, not parallel quantum shenanigans), but really, he knew this would happen the moment Optimus made him say sorry. These are natural consequences of making him do something he didn’t want to do.

Now, it’s true that Megatron didn’t order them to do this, but immediately putting the blame on Optimus making him vocally renounce the cause he was already claiming he’d renounced… When, y’know, these are his hand-picked and hand-trained assassins who he used to terrify his troops into abject obedience to all Decepticon beliefs… It’s just mind-boggling to me.

To explain another way: he just entered a ship full of two hundred mutilated corpses, all but a few showing signs of extreme torture. And he makes it about him. And he does that while still trying to dodge all blame. It’s a natural consequence of him reading the speech Optimus wrote for him, but it’s not because he trained a team of murderers in the art of violent murdering, no, that part has nothing to do with anything. They didn’t answer to him, he says, when he’s the only one who has Tarn’s comm number. When Tarn personally credits him with shaping him into the person he became.

The DJD are responsible for their own actions, certainly, but that doesn’t mean that Megatron isn’t responsible for giving them a list of traitors and turning them loose on his troops--and on innocent bystanders.

This would be a good opportunity for a sparkfelt apology. We could have seen Megatron mourn these dead and regret training the DJD and tell the survivors that he’ll find a way to talk to the DJD and make sure this never happens again (something he could have done at any time--he does have Tarn’s number, after all). We could have seen him start making reparations six months after saying he’d changed.

Instead we see him give a self-righteous little speech about how he’s totally blameless.

This may not be directed at Rodimus, but Rodimus numbers among the dead--he was the first corpse they found. And he cares not one bit that his living co-captain and second in command have vanished, with only gray and disfigured corpses to replace them. No, the most important thing in this situation is to twist the narrative and make sure everyone knows it’s not his fault.

This is what happens when he’s made to do things he doesn’t want to do. There are consequences; he doesn’t need to make reparations because the consequences are natural and right.

Living for millions of years with the DJD as real boogeymen who could appear and wreak this kind of devastation without warning if Megatron gave a single word? It’d be hard not to see those natural consequences as a threat.

Manipulation

“A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with ‘No.’ This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.” (“Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC)

All of the above is manipulation, without question. But I’m including this as a separate bullet point because it allows me to address a particular tactic that doesn’t fit neatly under any of the other sections.

Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

Megatron has no respect for Rodimus’ personal space, particularly when he’s being ‘defiant’ in some way. Paring away text to focus on body language, it becomes even more abundantly clear.

From the beginning of season two, he towers over Rodimus, jabbing a finger less than a hand’s breadth from his face.

When he wants to be obeyed, he physically gets in Rodimus’ face--snarling and huge.

And as a new arc begins, he’s once again looming and jabbing fingers in Rodimus’ personal space.

If I listed every panel where Megatron was shown leaning physically over Rodimus, I’d be including almost every panel they share. And before anyone says it’s because of Megatron’s size, and he can’t help but loom--he doesn’t do it to other characters unless they, too, are ‘misbehaving.’ He’s perfectly capable of keeping a straight back and relatively professional distance with most mechs, even when being threatened, even with extreme height differences:

Straight back, no leaning over Tailgate, no snarl. It’s the same with other crew members. With Rodimus, however, his nonverbal cues are constantly screaming dominance fight.

Now, I’m a small person, so maybe I’m especially sensitive to this--I’m just barely five feet tall and not muscular in the slightest. When much-bigger people get in my space the way Megatron gets in Rodimus’ space, it’s terrifying. Respectful people don’t do those things, and you can’t convince me that it’s merely a product of his size. My boyfriend of almost ten years now is eleven inches taller than I am, and he’s never once loomed over me or used his size to intimidate me.

I might be willing to call it thoughtless rather than an abuse tactic, since it is possible to loom unintentionally--except he singles Rodimus out for this treatment.

And it works.

After the first example above, Rodimus is visibly cowed while Megatron practically presses himself against his back:

Note the lowered spoilers on Rodimus’ back, the lowered head, the expression on his face.

And after the second panel, he literally transforms and obeys Megatron without further question.

Constant physical intimidation has unfortunate effects on a person, particularly when used alongside verbal and emotional abuse tactics like the ones I’ve been describing. This is a documented aspect of physical abuse--of which physical intimidation is a part--but I also know it intimately.

My abusive ex boyfriend never hit me, but he used physical intimidation tactics like these on a daily basis. He sat between me and the aisle on the bus and got in my face and snarled at the least provocation, but he also just--loomed. He was always--always--in my bubble, to the point that sometimes my friends would literally push him out of it. He would stand behind me like that, and when I have nightmares I can still feel his hard-on pressed against my lower back, his hands on on my hips or shoulders to keep me where he wanted me, the heat of his breath on me as he curled above me, around me, cutting off every exit until he was physically my entire world.

Which brings me to the panel that finally set me off enough to write the meta post I’d been mentally composing for over a year:

I feel sick when I look at this panel. When I look at the hand on his back and the way Megatron curls around him and the way the hand that’s always jabbing fingers in his face is caging him in. When I look at the way Rodimus is hugging himself, pulling in and away from Megatron--because in is his only escape route, because Megatron has cut off everything else. Verbally isolating him, then emotionally, then physically.

Rodimus doesn’t have any friends here to shove Megatron out of his bubble. Rodimus has the certainty that Megatron could be screaming at him (again), could be threatening him with hands in his face (that we can see are the size of Rodimus’ torso), could actually be injuring him--which we haven’t seen, but, honestly? “Whenever you shout my name I expect to get shot,” uh, isn’t a ringing endorsement of what might be happening behind closed doors, where most actual violence plays out.

Even if Megatron hasn’t hurt him--and I haven’t got enough proof to conclusively say one way or another--the threat is still there. As I said, my abusive ex never hit me. But I knew--every time he screamed, every time he got in my face--that he could. That he was capable of it.

He didn’t have to hit me. Like Rodimus, my defiance never lasted--without support, with too much fear, I decided that I needed to pick my battles. And, one by one, he pushed through my boundaries. Because if it wasn’t worth picking a battle over him stroking my inner thigh outside my shorts, was it worth fighting him on stroking the inside of my waistband? With that boundary demolished, was it really so unexpected--really worth challenging--when he went past the waistband?

After all, it was my fault he was so riled up. I’d done this to him. Didn’t I owe it to him to fix the problems I’d caused? But I guess that particular bit of nastiness comes from the next section--the victim card.

Victim Card

“When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.” (“Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses” by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC)

At every point in Megatron’s “redemption” arc, he casts himself as a tragic figure. Poor Megatron, made to stand trial! Poor Megatron, asked to provide evidence to expedite the trial! (optional; he didn't consent to mnemosurgery and they immediately left) Poor Megatron, asked to read a speech renouncing the cause he already said he'd renounced! (optional; purely a get-out-of-jail-free card) Poor Megatron, surrounded by incompetence on this privately owned neutral ship he was given captaincy of in place of his prison stay! Poor Megatron, forced to drink ‘poison’! (optional; again, he made the choice himself) Poor Megatron, having to share the ship with the mech who owns it! Poor Megatron, faced with the knowledge that some people wish the war had never happened! Possibly even the knowledge of how many mechs he killed! What terrible knowledge.

Poor Megatron, indeed.

All of these situations are fair and reasonable for him to encounter. He's not a tragic figure for facing any of these things; in fact, the last two are hardly even about him. Billions died, and we're supposed to feel sorry for him surveying the field of flowers? For having to face the facts of what he did when he still doesn't face any negative repercussions for his choices?

This is entitlement, but it's also an abuse tactic. My ex used this trick to guilt me into roleplaying sexual situations I was really, really not comfortable with, while my mother used it to get me to do...well, in retrospect, basically anything she felt like I owed her.

Used on the wrong party, this tactic is just grating--case in point, Getaway and his mutineers. He specifically cited this overall strategy in his last call with the crew on the Necroplanet. But on someone who already has a guilt complex--someone who's easily manipulated by authority figures telling him it's his duty to do one thing or another, insisting nothing he does is enough and he owes more than he can give--the sort of person who carves into his hand the number of people who wanted him gone? Yeah, that's a different story.

Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?

Prior to this panel, Rodimus just informed Megatron that Brainstorm seemed to have jumped through time. Rodimus specifically gives him time to process the info, too.

He's beings downright nice about it.

And, yes, it's absolutely fine to need time to process or to freak about things not going according to plan. That's natural! I say this despite the fact that Megatron--a mech made of black holes--isn't exactly unfamiliar with weird science. In fact, one of the thirteen ores seeded by Shockwave had time properties, and they literally just met quantum doubles of their entire ship. I'm a little dubious about his claims of a minor breakdown here, but the freak-out itself isn't the real problem here.

What's not fine is taking that as an excuse to once again lean in over Rodimus (note the angle Megatron shifts to once he starts yelling), jab a finger in his face, and personally insult him. What's he done to warrant the “You are ridiculous” line and accusatory tone, other than tell Megatron something he didn't want to hear? How does keeping him briefed and patiently waiting for him to process lead to the conclusion that Rodimus is his own, personal punishment?

Well, keeping a level head while publicly briefing Megatron means undermining some of that narrative he’s so carefully constructing, where Rodimus is rash and rude and impulsive and irresponsible. Unsuited to command. Because in this scene? Rodimus looks and acts like a capable and considerate commander.

There's also the fact that Rodimus is treating him like a peer rather than a superior here.

Now, that might not be why Megatron lashes out. He might genuinely be disturbed by the idea of time travel and instinctively target his current favorite (emotional) punching bag. But I think it's telling that he immediately turns something going wrong into being Rodimus’ fault when he's actually doing his job quite well in this scene, not to mention respecting Megatron as co-captain. It's also telling that he breaks out the same physical intimidation tactics I described in the last subsection the moment he gets agitated.

So why do I think this is an abuse tactic and not poorly-handled panic, aside from Megatron's extensive experience with various types of weird science? Because Rodimus doesn't try to contradict him. He doesn't fight the point or defend himself. And, sure, that could be a sign of maturity--but it can also be a sign that he's beginning to internalize Megatron's message, especially when looked at in the context of everything else I mentioned in this post.

In fact, let’s cover his motivations and intentions a bit more directly.

INTENTIONALITY

Assessing whether abusive behavior is deliberate can be nearly impossible when you’re living in it. For example, I highly doubt that my mom is any kind of mastermind with an ultimate end goal of control over me. I’m not actually sure what she was thinking for any of that--she insists most of it never happened and has a different justification every time I ask about the parts she doesn’t deny (although she sometimes denies those, too, depending on her mood).

Even if Megatron’s behavior wasn’t intentional, it would still be unacceptable, dangerous, and traumatic. But I do genuinely believe it’s deliberate--partly because of the following scene:

This is coming from Ravage--a spy with extensive experience that goes all the way back to the day of the Senate. He’s seen a lot. And he makes a compelling argument:

Ravage points out numerous occasions where Megatron played the long game--planning ahead, setting up for what he might want someday as well as what he wants today. Reaching for the dark matter, delaying his trial with sidequests as soon as the opportunity presented itself--those, too, are examples of this.

So it stands to reason that all of this manipulation could serve the fairly straightforward goal of setting himself up to be sole captain of the Lost Light--or some other goal we haven’t yet worked out that requires tearing down Rodimus’ reputation and isolating him from the rest of the crew.

IN CONCLUSION

Megatron is abusing Rodimus. Emotionally and verbally at the very least, but possibly other forms of abuse. He’s certainly threatening physical abuse with his nonverbal cues--and, by some definitions, is in fact perpetrating physical abuse by bodily intimidating Rodimus.

The evidence is overwhelming, and I think that this interpretation gives greater depth and meaning to JRo’s characterizations of both Rodimus and Megatron. Through this lens, Rodimus’ increasingly erratic and seemingly out-of-character behavior as the series progresses can be viewed as a response to gaslighting and other abuse. Meanwhile, for Megatron, this interpretation serves to connect his current behavior to his wartime behavior in a way that feels more in line with IDW’s past version of him instead of a sudden and hollow change.

Ultimately, though, this interpretation is important to me as an abuse survivor. I don't fault those who want to write their own version of Megatron, but, if I'm being honest? I never again want to see another post insisting that Megatron can't be written as abusive. (and if you think this is vagueblogging about someone in particular, I swear it's not. I've seen multiple posts and tweets echoing this sentiment. This isn't some vague callout post; it's an alternative interpretation that runs counter to the dominant fandom narrative as I've encountered it.)

You can keep your interpretation of Megatron. He is a fictional character who has been written by dozens of different people in numerous canons. If you don't want to write about him as an abusive and manipulative jerk, by all means, don't. The only request I make is that you not condemn those who do.

Multiple interpretations of canon lead to more varied and interesting fan works. And I think that's good for everyone.

Additional Reading

In case you want to do further reading, here are some links to other articles I looked at while making this post. I may add to this if I find any others that feel relevant.

15 Types of Verbal Abuse in Relationships

10 Signs You Are in a Relationship with a Narcissist (first part in a series)

[probablysapphic]

do you think ask yourself if you're gay, is already have a part of the answer ? do you think that questioning about our sexuality and have doubt about it, is already a sign that you are not straight ? i mean i guess if you ask yourself if you like girls it's because you feel something which is real. and most of people who have doubt with time their doubts are finally more than just doubts. Idk a person who is confused and finally realize she is straight. i hope you understand what i mean..

I totally understand what you mean, don’t worry :)

The thing is, I’m in the exact same position, asking myself if all of this means something and how big the possibility is that it turns out to be nothing and I’m straight after all. (But seriously, would a straight person run a blog like this? Today I’m quite confident but oh buddy, that changes. Be prepared. I really wish I could give you a clear cut answer to what is definitely straight behavior and what totally isn’t but I’m still figuring that out for myself.)

My answer to all of your questions: It could be. Nobody other than you can define your sexuality but whatever you’re feeling or thinking about is worth exploring. Let yourself feel. Embrace whatever might come. Be gentle to yourself, be open, be honest.You don’t have to pinpoint something right now if you don’t want to. Or you could, it’s all up to you.

Let me tell you two things:

- Yes, it probably is not very common for a lot of straight people to think about being something else than straight … mostly because their experiences line up with society’s expectations. And if they do question their sexuality, it won’t take them long to decide that they are in fact straight. I recommend reading this post and this one. Apparently straight people don’t think about kissing or dating the same gender, or are a bit repulsed by the idea of doing so. However, even if you’re questioning, it’s totally normal if, at first, you don’t feel that excited when thinking about that either due to internalized homophobia. That’ll probably change and you’ll get used to the thought when you surround yourself with positivity, positive representation, etc.

- HOWEVER: I know that the fear of it being “just a phase” is there. (And for a lot of people it definitely isn’t a phase and the phrase is way too often used to undermine their identity.) But: Try getting away from the thought of something being just a phase makes it less real, less valid - because it’s not. Whatever you feel, even if it’s just temporary, is worth cherishing and exploring and valuing. For some people, sexuality is quite flexible and changes. (That doesn’t mean you can go up to someone who identifies as a lesbian and say “hey, you might not be gay after all”, because that’s awful, don’t do that.) What I want to say is this: Sexuality doesn’t have to and for lots of people it isn’t fluid but for other people it can be and is changing over time. Neither is better nor worse than the other.

I hope you get what I mean here. Don’t let the fear of being wrong discourage you from exploring your feelings, needs, and wants when it comes to your sexual identity. You don’t have to “get it right” on the first try. You can try out labels and see if they fit, or don’t label yourself at all. Your label can change, that’s all fine. Here’s a cool article that has great arguments regarding this as well.

Most important: Take your time. You definitely have time to figure it all out. Take time to reflect on your feelings and process them. Take time to think about what you really want. I know it’s hard to distinguish between what society says you should do and want and what you personally want, but you’ll get there.

I have to say, I’m quite proud of my answer to this ask because it covers a lot of different topics and links to other good posts, so give it a read!

My last advice, something that really helped me personally: Confide in someone. (Only if you’re safe and feel comfortable doing so - that’s mandatory, I’m serious, don’t do anything that endangers your personal safety just because you think you “have to” do it.) It releases at least a bit of the anxiety and stress and it feels so good to share some things that go through your head with someone.

If I can do anything else for you, just shoot me another ask.I wish you the very best. Don’t stress about it too much, though. You’ll get there eventually, I promise. Keep me posted if you want to, I’m always eager to listen to the progress you’ll make :)

[sarazanmai]

Thoughts on the “Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure” English dub. Episode nine.

and thus one of my favorite variations of Dio was born, Floating Head Dio

something I like with this series is you don’t see major events undone, what I mean is things like Dio turning all these people isn’t erased much like how the Kawajiri family is still broken at the end of DIU

for how this series can get, there is a feeling of permanence to it that many other famous anime lack

Jonathan, Zeppeli, they don’t get a reset button and even if there are deaths within this series I did not want or see a need for I appreciate Araki committing to his decisions

“our work here is done” for now

I am gonna miss this intro

also they added sound effects over the music. hmmm.

sorry but I always hated Erina’s wedding gown

“Mr. Speedwagon! you almost missed being able to say goodbye” I’m sad

GET. OFF. THAT. BOAT.

“these tears that I cry are from joy, joy that I’m here with you” STOP

also can we appreciate that Erina is pregnant at this point?

just reminding everyone I guess

its too bad they axed some scenes with Jonathan and Erina as kids since I really like how Michelle voices her

THEY JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY GOD DAMMIT

so in the manga anyway Jonathan swears after hitting his head, not sure if the Japanese anime kept it or not but eh it was an endearing moment

dramatic color change of drama

also the music that plays when Jonathan spots Wang Chan reminds me of the opening part of Jojo Sono Chi no Kioku (my second favorite intro by the way)

he got a splitting headache!

“where is...my body?” um it got destroyed? sorry?

Floating Head Dio will always be hilarious to me

so the family behind Erina is one I can’t take seriously anymore because someone a while back posted those screen caps of them and wrote “dammit honey I can’t take you anywhere!”

its still funny

“Dio...” “Jojo...” this sums up PB in a nutshell

“if there really is a God, one who plucks the strings that bind our fates, I am certain that our fates were bound together for a reason” a point further substantiated by SBR, but a point we still don’t really know much about

whatever reason it is that Jonathan and Dio are so bound up together we can only leave it to personal interpretation because Araki never tells us

maybe that’s intentional, maybe he just didn’t bother giving us a reason, for me I just see Jonathan and Dio as representing two opposing forces that are constantly at odds

granted Johnny and Diego are very different from their counterparts which is why they are characters in their own right instead of extensions of these two, but the fact that they still got tied up with each other in their timeline does prove that Araki sees the Joestars and Dio as two entities that will always be involved with each other

this is jumping the gun, but this ties into why I wish he explored Giorno’s connections to Jonathan and Dio more as he’s literally the byproduct of Dio forcing himself into Jonathan’s fate

look, look with your special eyes

so the fact that he shatters the glass with his eye beams and is still fine suggests that the jar was not necessary at all and just something he did for aesthetics

RIP Lisa Lisa’s birth parents

I’ll give them credit for making baby Lisa Lisa a brunette, since I recall the manga making her blond (oops)

“the body of my dearest foe has become my future!” you have no idea

all Jonathan wants to do is save Erina...

its Dio’s turn at exposition now

this is a beautiful moment and I also gotta say Araki might be the only person who wrote a shonen manga that was not afraid to show his couple kissing (well okay him and Togashi since Yusuke and Keiko kiss)

why are authors of shonen manga so afraid of showing any intimacy between their leading male and his love interest? do you assume the readers still think girls have cooties? even American comics show the heroes kissing women

unfriendly reminder that Erina is only 19

fuck you Dio

okay the way Dio says “velvet boudoir” is hilarious especially knowing a boudoir is something for women not men

GEWDBAI JOJO

he stabbed Floating Head Dio in his neck, a weird area to attack a floating head admittedly

“farewell to you my beloved” no....

back when the SDC finale aired I mentioned this series never making me cry before (though seeing Jotaro and Joseph say goodbye to Polnareff came close) but this is really effective

I think coming back to certain parts of the series has helped me realize that even something as ridiculous as Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure can move me

I mentioned previously that I once felt Jonathan’s death was undermined by SDC and how now I see that’s untrue. Jonathan’s goal throughout this climax was get Erina to safety, stop Dio but get Erina to safety at all costs. she is pregnant with their only son and leaving with the future mother to their only grandchild, the legacy is what Jonathan died for. it was not just about stopping Dio, assuming it was about that was very narrow minded of me. the fact that his bloodline carried onward even in highly complicated ways is his true victory. without his heroic death Joseph wouldn’t have been able to stop Kars, Jotaro wouldn’t have finished what he started with Dio, Josuke wouldn’t have saved Morioh, Giorno wouldn’t have defeated Diavolo, Jolyne would not have accomplished all that she did, because none of them would have existed

in the back of the official English manga there are nice writings from Araki about some of the choices he made. one thing he noted was that killing Jonathan was a very bold move as the idea of the hero dying, but the story moving forward was unheard of. and its because he chose to make this a generational series that Jojo is still able to exist as a manga and anime now. he did create a perfect formula for maintaining his story without it becoming redundant, whether he realized it or not

and even if fans will still argue that PB is so removed from the rest of the series or that its the weakest chain I disagree. PB laid the groundwork for some of the most significant elements of the series and gave us some of the most important characters that exist within it. there’s a reason they tried to make it into a standalone movie. granted the movie was so bad Araki scrubbed it out public access sparing the occasional screen cap and some dialogue free footage of Dio and Jonathan meeting, its still proof that in its homeland PB is regarded as something worthy of retelling

mind you PB isn’t perfect, I feel that every part of Jojo has something that needed to be worked on, but revisiting it has really helped me to appreciate it more than I already did. its too bad the anime cut some noteworthy things, but I really think fans still gain a lot from it and to deprive yourself of this experience just because you only care about Stands or you bought the unjustified hype that PB and BT are bad just feels like shooting yourself in the foot

as far as this dub is concerned, despite the accents slipping occasionally and some questionable line changes and translation choices I think they’ve done very well. I enjoyed myself completely.

back to the episode though (yeah I still got a few minutes of it left, God will I ever stop ranting?)

“his life was an important part of history, but invisible to ordinary people” WOW that is one meta ass line

“and the book of the stone mask was closed. for a time. but that was only the beginning of a new bizarre adventure” DUN NUN NUN

meanwhile, in the Aztec ruins, there is a new diva on the block

tune in next time where we go to New York to meet my absolute favorite character in the entire series

[shakespesre]

things i did not like about beauty and the beast (2017)

oh man am i in the minority in this situation (also this list is comically long) spoilers, obviously

honestly

most of it

during the opening sequence with the enchantress as she was narrating the prince’s actions didn’t match with what she was saying (like he didn’t dismiss her again or beg forgiveness even though the enchantress is saying he did) details like that irk me

also the whole “guys who wear makeup are somehow morally destitute” trope needs to die

the staging of belle made the town feel like its a half an acre big which made for some awful blocking

it just looked really repetitive in terms of staging like there was nowhere to go because the set wasn’t big enough

belle talking to the minister about the books was short and dispassionate

emma watson can’t sing to save her life

the little robot following her around fixing her voice the entire movie should be paid good money

ok i get that making belle the inventor is supposed to be “empowering” but it goes nowhere??

the hill she runs up during the belle reprise is cgi af and it doesn’t feel right??

honestly you couldn’t have found an actual hill

also the fact that maurice being captured was happening concurrently w the number and the sky being all dark made the wonder and longing of it all weaker

i know it’s in the original fairy tale but honestly why did they bring back the rose stealing as the inciting incident for the beast to punish maurice

it makes very little sense

especially given that maurice took A Rose from what he assumed was an abandoned castle

how did maurice get back to the village? like we see at the end that belle has the horse

BIG ONE RIGHT HERE

why did lumiere and cogsworth show belle to her room instead of the beast???

why would you cut the first interactions between your main characters that actually establishes a connection between them?!!?

the west wing loses some of its gravitas bc of this too

and like????? the beast never even considered that belle would be the one to break the spell?????? WHY NOT????? DUDE???????? YOU MORON even the original beast considered that!!! he’s actually lampshading you all the way back from 1991

but the “this way to the east wing. or as i like to call it the Only Wing!” line was funny i laughed at that

audra mcdonald deserved more to do and to sing

mrs potts looked creepy As Fuck

idk the “come down to dinner” scene was played kind of seriously this time and i get why but i think cutting to inside the room changes the dynamic a bit like in the original you never even see belle and she holds all the power but this is a nitpick

why did they cut to black after be our guest??? did the editor lose a bet or something??

gaston was a fun number but the cuts were absolutely nonsensical

like

you could barely get a feel for the space it took up

they don’t cut to any kind of demonstration of gaston using “antlers in all of his DECoratING” which kind of tells you all you need to know about how bad this movie was at visual storytelling

so many composers and lyricists write music to visuals and there aren’t sufficient visuals to bolster the gaston number

and it felt kind of overcrowded? maybe that one’s just me

the plot just seriously drags

the fact that we spent so much time with kevin kline and gaston out “searching” for belle kind of slowed the movie down a lot

as did the whole “attempted murder” thing

so gaston blows up and tells maurice he’s only helping look for belle bc he wants to marry her

and maurice is like “my daughter is never gonna marry someone like you you’re an asshole!!”

and then gaston punches him in the face and leaves him to die in the woods tied to a tree

and then this miserly old beggar lady comes and saves him and has him accuse gaston of attempted murder

the entire thing is completely unnecessary

back to the enchanted castle

was it just me or did belle not even get that close to the rose? like the animated belle took the case off and was literally about to touch the actual plant and in this one she like brushed the table with her hand

the wolf scene was fine

they lifted the dialogue from the patch up scene directly from the 1991 film except without any of the energy or emotion

also the prince’s backstory is like?? really thin???

the fact that it was literally just inserted into the plot so he and belle could have a “dead moms” connection is so flimsy

they take this random subplot and roll with it instead of actually taking more time to develop belle and the beast as romantic interests

ANOTHER PROBLEM

ok so like the beast was somehow really hurt by the wolf attack right?

so he kind of drifts in and out of sleep for a while and one time he wakes up and belle is reading to him

AND THEN OHHHH AND THEN

HE MANSPLAINS ROMEO AND JULIET TO HER

AND HE GIVES HER THE LIBRARY BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT ANYTHING IN THERE IS BETTER THAN WHAT SHE LIKES

COME ON

WHAT THE FUCK

THATS SO CONDESCENDING

WAY TO UNDERMINE A SWEET MOMENT THAT SHOWS EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN YOUR TWO ROMANTIC LEADS

the new song days in the sun is pretty but combining the servants desires with belle’s make for some conflicting messages

they actually sing something there?

like move their mouths sing

this is another nitpick but like i always thought something there was their internal monologue and it feels weird to see them actually sing them idk

THE BOOK

OOOOOHHHHH THE BOOK

belle and the beast are talking and he’s like “LETS RUN AWAY TOGETHER!!!”

what

ok movie i’ll bite where are we running away to

so the enchantress for some damn reason decides to give the beast a magic book that can take him anywhere he wishes to go

why??? who knows????? certainly not the movie!!!

and he’s like to belle “think of where ever you want to go and we’ll go there just 4 u!!!!!” despite the fact that he literally just said that the world wouldn’t accept him as a beast

so they go to this little house in a Goddamn windmill on the outskirts of bohemian paris

it’s cramped and dark and drenched in a blue filter so you can’t actually see anything

and it’s this useless detour about how belle’s mom died

and it connects to nothing it’s not a plot twist or some big reveal it’s just that she died of the plague

there wasn’t even any emotional backing to it because belle didn’t know anything about her mother because maurice never told her

like if belle had thought maurice just walked out on her mother and resented him for it this twist would have some emotional significance

but that’s not the case

the ballroom scene looks really awkward

like the beast looks especially computer generated here and that doesn’t help the fact that emma watson expresses almost nothing during the entire dance

the whole “you must go to him” scene goes way too fucking fast and there’s no time for the emotions of that scene to actually breathe and release

she rides off in the (ugly) yellow dress which is another nitpick but looks weird

WHY IS SHE IN SUCH A RUSH YOU COULD JUST USE THE BOOK

evermore grinds the momentum of the narrative to a fucking halt

and i swear to god if this wins an oscar for best song while how far i’ll go lost i will dissolve the entire academy of motion picture arts and sciences myself

just love yourself and listen to if i can’t love her it’s honestly a much better song

the part where gaston is hyping up the crowd to go kill the beast progresses in a similar way to the “you must go to him” scene

gaston decides that the beast is a threat to them before he realizes belle has feelings for him which again undercuts the original emotion of the scene

the gaston vs the beast fight feels a whole lot less personal

like

in such a way that gaston is a good 40 feet from belle and the beast when he shoots him

there is no intimacy no emotion in how gaston mortally wounds the beast because he’s literally a Chasm away from them

the beast yelling "I AM NOT A BEAST" to gaston was the hammiest thing in the movie

they just really hate subtext don't they

AND ANOTHER THING

HOOOOOHHH BOY

the enchantress is the old lady who helped maurice when he was left to die in the woods

and yes she’s still dicking around in the forest for???? some reason?????

the beast dies

straight up dies

and the servants have this tragic goodbye sequence where they all turn inanimate it’s the most emotional scene in the film

belle’s love didn’t save them

she doesn’t say “i love you” and the last petal of the rose falls and they all either die/become inanimate

THE ENCHANTRESS JUST COMES IN AND FIXES EVERYTHING?????

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES?

THAT MAKES THE ROSE TIMELINE COMPLETELY SUPERFLUOUS

THE ENCHANTRESS HAS BEEN IN!! THE!! VILLAGE!! THE ENTIRETY OF THE CURSE

SHE COULD CHANGE HIM BACK WHENEVER SHE WANTED

in the original there was this finality to it and this hopelessness of being cursed by magic that isn’t understandable but permanent and that there is only One Way To Break It

the fact that the enchantress is the one to break the spell and not The Power Of Love undercuts the entire intended parable of the original fairy tale, animated movie, and WHAT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE WAS SAYING

also the fact that she’s there makes the entire transformation less intimate???

like there’s this third old woman creeping up in the background watching them when belle and the beast are supposed to be at the height of their emotional connection

also the transformation itself was kind of hard to follow visually like i don’t even think there was a clear shot of his face

the growl wasn’t hot

i didn’t even notice it when i saw it in the theatre

you all need to get laid

why didn’t they just let audra fucking mcdonald sing the final end version of beauty and the beast

also the actual timeline the movie took place over was strange?

someone can clarify this with me if they want i’m genuinely curious

the prince when he’s cursed is played by dan stevens so like it couldn’t have been more than? five years that he was a beast?

and then when the plot with belle starts, the opening number happens, maurice leaving, belle rejecting gaston, the belle reprise, maurice’s wolf chase scene, the prisoner switch, and the gaston number all seem to take place within a 48 hour timespan

^^^ this is all pretty much the same for the animated movie there’s no problem with that

be our guest and all new added numbers (along with the come down to dinner scene and belle’s wolf chase scene) all happen sometime around here too

but my issue is at the end of gaston where maurice asks if someone would help him look for belle

generously, the time spent searching for her is a day

then maurice is left to die in the woods and is rescued by agatha

he couldn’t have been out there more than two days without dying of dehydration

then, at most, five days from the opening belle sequence, maurice accuses gaston of murder and is about to be locked in an insane asylum when belle rides back to save him

if you’re following correctly, this gave belle and the beast a maximum of four and a half days to fall in love with one another

what?????

i know in the original there’s the whole issue of maurice out in the woods searching for belle but that was addressed by the directors and producers as an oversight and they meant to show that belle was in the castle for at least autumn through winter

so the remake’s timeline is completely unrealistic and goddamnit movie

like at VERY MOST the main plot takes place over six days

TL;DR

most of my issues were story problems, they changed fundamentally so little from the original animated movie and what they did change dragged the plot along or straight up undercut what the narrative was actually trying to impart

the rest of the bullets were either self-described nitpick and trying to work out the timeline

to be clear it’s not wrong for you to like the movie go see it again another three times

this list is for humor

and i didn’t comment at all on le fou for one thing because i was neutral on him but also because it’s not my place to say whether this is good rep or not