#something something grief and trauma and finally being able to talk about it with someone who will LISTEN

[hey-hey-j]

lore dropping

(★ my Kofi)

[pzychojinx]

so, jinx in act one of season two. see, for three years i expected a full on descent into chaos and madness beyond any repair. i'd made peace with that, too. so i'm surprised - pleasantly, joyfully surprised.

very long analysis ahead on where they're taking her and how it speaks to me.

we first meet her again during silco's eulogy sequence - a beautiful sequence, halfway between dreamlike and real. "just like when vander shoved off", she says about his death. except it's not. after vander's death, after vi's perceived abandonment, everything jinx could feel was self-centered. she would say "she's not my sister anymore". she would devalue these people entirely. in fact, every single reaction to any action done by her loved ones would be self-centered and extreme. that is very much how her mental process works, how her trauma caused her to work. and more so: when silco would ask of her any work, any mission, she'd do the job purely for his sake, his affection, his approval, never caring about the cause.

in short, she was never able to get out of her own head for as much as a single minute. now, she starts the funeral off with "chembarons warring for control of the lanes. wannabe street thugs squabbling over scraps. just like when vander shoved off." and it's not about her abandonment anymore. it's not about being left alone. it's not about her. she's talking to silco about his city, his legacy, his world, his chembarons, his lanes. she's out of her own head, and it's the first time we ever see it.

"because someone put all those holes in you", she says then. and this is so interesting because there's obviously a dissociation here, as well as a very intense grief and sadness. we are obviously still dealing with someone who's deeply traumatized and unstable, but let's compare this with powder after the deaths of vander, mylo and claggor. powder had a full breakdown, both turned into a complete de-evaluation of vi as i was mentioning earlier and full desperation. "i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help".

this chaotic desperation is something jinx kept within herself throughout the entirety of s1 up until - the tea party. which i'm getting at, in a minute. point being, for now, that the jinx we see during silco's eulogy is grieving and lost and rootless and asking herself "what am i supposed to do with that?", but she lacks the chaotic full-on desperation that would lead her to acts of explosive destruction and/or self-destruction in s1. in fact, she's incredibly quieter. she's more grounded, more present in her movements, in the way she fights, in the way she talks.

in retrospect even her final action in s1, the infamous missile, already had the energy we're seeing now. it wasn't instinctive, driven by hallucinations or trauma or rage or an unrestrained trigger; it was silco's legacy and it was calculated. silco's death, i think now, left jinx as rootless as she's ever been, but it also left her with an acceptance of who she is. "don't cry, you're perfect". the tea party ends with her 'choosing' jinx and if you'd asked me before season two, i would have said with full certainty it meant she'd be going to be a loose cannon. entirely and with no possibility of ever being anything else. that's not what i think now.

i think she came to terms with who she is. i think now that the seat at the tea party wasn't a symbol of complete derailing, it was in a way a symbol of acceptance. "here's to the new us". she's fought her fight between powder and jinx and the tea party has permitted her to gain, in some way, a sense of closure. very importantly, having lost what she perceived as vi's acceptance, and having lost a father, she has also been able to shed the constant and desperate need to be in their favor.

during the 'sucker' sequence, we see her going through the lanes with a hood on her hair, very low-key. loose cannon jinx would have never, ever done that. loose cannon jinx would, quite simply, not have cared. she would have been extra, and explosive, and in everyone's faces. she's preserving herself not to be found, and that's new. again, i think she's still lost and rootless and grieving and really asking herself what she's supposed to do now that she's entirely autonomous and i also think there's definitely still a lot of bitterness and rage when it comes to vi which we obviously get to see during their fight and in no way is she magically ~healthy or anything like that - however.

she is still walking those streets in a way that indicates self-preservation. it would have been very, very easy for jinx to be captured by any of those goons and/or got herself killed. and for some reason, whether that be an apathetic, mourning state or mind, or whether that be some gained peace in who she is, or both - she didn't.

given all this, the new element that season two act one has introduced for her that truly moved me and made me feel... healed in a sort of way, is the introduction of human bonds for jinx that defy her historical, co-dependent mechanism of idolization and de-evaluation. ergo, sevika and isha. this is incredible for her and most of all, it's realistic. it's a chance at something, but it doesn't feel forced, nor fairytale-esque, nor does it resemble your usual ~redemption arc.

sevika and isha function as people who she's building some bond with, and since she's a little bit less in her own fucking head, and since she's not clinging to them as idealized protectors / saviours and neither is she refusing them as betrayers, and since she's not constantly fighting between what she perceives as her double identity anymore, she finally has the possibility to experience healthier bonds. sevika functions as somebody who still ties her to silco, possibly the closest thing she has right now to any root she might have left, and it works: reminiscing silco with her, gifting her the arm, doesn't leave her utterly alone but neither does it let her fall into the trap of clinging onto yet another figure from whom to fully depend.

and isha, very obviously, functions as the possibility of healing her inner child which is a goldmine for her storyline. her bond with isha could clearly have a narrative tie to jinx & silco, to jinx & vi, and most importantly to jinx and powder herself - this is all quite obvious but again, it's not executed in a way that feels like a forced 'redemption arc' or whatnot. the idea of this little street kid who just imprints on her like a lost little duckling, which is in no way jinx's decision, simply feels natural and heartwarming. does this mean i presume such healing of her inner child is going to come easy to her? no. but it's something. it's something very different from anything she's ever experienced before.

even through the loss, the rootlessness, the grief and confusion, the panic attack we see her experiencing through the lanes as a consequence of the moment she sees vi and caitlyn's enforcer squad, even through the brutality of the fight with vi, - and this is all to say, she's still a very traumatized individual, which is important because it would have just been senseless to have jinx somehow get fully stable like a switch had been flipped - we're seeing something new for jinx here. i've seen many posts related to "i'm glad it's you", and i might be unpopular here but while i do think jinx still has an element of suicidality, i also think she was at least half bluffing there. comparing her micro-expressions with the ones back on the bridge fight with ekko, i'm under the impression she was testing vi, at the very least partially. "poisoning us with gas?" is also an interesting line because even in her attack at her sister, she's less focused on her own trauma and more on something that we've hardly seen from her before - belonging to the lanes.

all of this to say, i'm loving the path they're taking for her. it's still very much jinx. it feels like jinx. but she's not just about to wreak senseless and desperate havoc in order to be seen by either her sister or her father, because there's no one to be seen by anymore. she's not fighting a desperate battle between her identities either, because she's accepted her place. she's not loud and erratic, she's quieter and coming to terms with herself. closure is truly the word that comes to mind, for me, in how i see her arc right now. closure, and unexpectedly, possibility.

[starwilliams]

my opinion on the portrayal of the PTSD representation in tlou- as someone who is diagnosed with ptsd.

trigger warning: ptsd, talks of mental health and traumatic events.

i personally think TLOU did a really good job with this. specifically what we would call a ‘ptsd attack’ during the farm.

some triggers can involve loud noises or sudden crashes (like the shovel and barn door) and in my experience, i am transported back to the traumatic experience like it is real. and im living it again, even with some details changing, like how ellie invisioned joel calling out for her, which did not really happen.

i also know there is a scene in the remastered with a boar i believe, and ellie is crawling through a tunnel and sees a skull or something and sees joel? (DO NOTTT quote me on this, as i genuinely am not sure.) but that is also realistic. my trauma involved a corpse of someone i love, and that image can pop up at any time, and it is scary!

i know many people view these scenes as things to make the game more emotional, and even scary. but these things. (even if exaggerated in game) are infact real.

again, yes. i think everybody in the tlou universe no question has trauma of their own. but pstd is different, and shows clearly in ellie. especially during seattle and afterwards.

ellie faced trauma all her life, and losing the man who helped her look past her trauma, was the biggest trauma of all, and she had nobody to stop her.

this theatre scene.

ellie shows vulnerability to dina for the first time since leaving for seattle, dina was ellie’s only real ‘clutch’ at this point. and learning of dina’s pregnancy and jesse’s arrival, wondering if maybe they will be back together, or even head back to jackson with eachother.

everything was so uncertain, ellie thought all she had to do was get revenge and take down all who were present at joel’s murder, but she began to realise it was no longer that easy.

ellie realises how far she’s gone, with torturing nora. and even seems to get maybe nauseous thinking about it? (in left pic, idk. my interpretation.) like how in the first game, ellie exclaims she feels sick after shooting a man.

being unable to draw/do justice to joel’s eyes.

there’s many different interpretations as to why ellie crossed out joel’s eyes, and tried them over and over again.

perhaps she felt she couldn’t get them right?

couldn’t do justice?

or perhaps she couldn’t look at his face, features and all without remembering it being bloodied and battered.

i still struggle to remember my loved ones face after seeing their corpse, and it took a while for the grief and trauma to heal until i remembered them in other ways too.

ellie leaving the place we would deem most peaceful.

even after some form of healing and time, ellie still struggled dearly at the farm. and once tommy had come back to remind her ‘her job was not over’ she felt guilty for feeling even a tinge of contentment in life, without getting joel justice.

het wearing and smelling joel’s jacket, wearing it as she leaves, ready to go on a suicide mission, that would either bring joel justice, or get killed along the way, which maybe she wouldn’t mind so much.

she left her home and family in hopes the voices and memories in her head would finally go quiet.

maybe she resented herself for not being able to move on, like she imagined dina was.

ellie’s acceptance.

as we all saw, ellie knew not to even hope for dina or jj at the house (maybe they reunited before this, maybe not. but this applies either way), she left joel’s guitar behind. she had realised at the beach trauma won’t heal from violence, and chasing after a cure.

sometimes even the happy memories have to be left in the past.

um guys i hope this is okay! likes and reblogs ect would be so appreciated! i wish i mentioned more of ellie’s trauma from p1, maybe another day :)

[extasiswings]

Can somebody explain to me why this "undos" Eddie's ptsd arc in s5?? I've seen people upset about this and I'm confused

...please say sike, I'm so serious, that cannot be a real thing people are saying...(jk I can believe it because this fandom's media literacy is uhhhhhhh Not Great, Bob).

Anyway, it's an extremely bad take. Eddie has consistently been shown to go through cycles where he will work on one specific thing (or very specific set of things), and then when he feels like he has sufficiently addressed that one specific thing/set of things, he will pat himself on the back for the great work like all is well/he's all good/healed/fixed while ignoring the pile of twelve million other issues in the corner that he's thrown a sheet over to avoid dealing with. Eddie's PTSD is very different from his Shannon issues, and notably, he has never actually dealt with Shannon issues!

She died in S2 and he cried on the beach over her letter and then pulled himself together so he could be a rock for Christopher and put on a strong front for his family and then he went right back to work. He nearly killed a guy in an illegal fight club and when talking to Bobby about it confessed to Shannon asking for the divorce and "I forgave her for everything, but it wasn't enough - I wasn't enough," but when he went to therapy at that point, did he engage with that or anything about Shannon at all? No he did not!

In S4/Jinx, he confesses to Bobby again that he's "still not over it, not over her" but again, does he actually grapple meaningfully with his grief at that point? No! He decides instead to jump into something with Ana and move way too fast to provide Christopher a replacement mommy. In S5, he blames his panic attacks on his relationship (which...the unreliable narrator is narrating) and after breaking up with Ana once again shoves anything relationship or Shannon-related into a dark corner and avoids it. In therapy that time around, he exclusively focuses on his physical traumas and PTSD/survivor's guilt, primarily from his time in the army. There are a million things layered into "What are you afraid of?"/"That I'll never feel normal again," but Eddie only actually grapples with like...three of them. In S6, Shannon started coming up again more explicitly, but mostly in 6B, and he still wasn't actually dealing with his grief/allowing himself to feel/engage with it or anything to do with her and their relationship. He once again started trying to find someone to date, but actively framed it as searching for the feeling he had when he first started dating Shannon. It was just a reframing of looking for her replacement.

Anyway, this season is different, and he's finally being put in a position where he's not going to be able to keep avoiding it or putting it off - he's on a collision course with all of the messy feelings he's been trying not to feel for years and has no way to pretend that it's about anything but Shannon. S7 and S5 - not the same thing at all.

[syndullqs]

𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 — 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓

summary — it finally all catches up to you.

warnings — gn!jedi!reader, reader is obi-wan’s child, there's some major angst oops, some fluff at the end!

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆. ever since the war ended, the heaviness on your chest hasn’t subsided. the grief over the loss of so many at the same time was weighing you down. luckily, the empire’s rise to power kept you busy enough.

as you sat at a table overlooking the ocean that surrounded pabu, the blend of oranges and purples pulled you into a trance. as the sun set, you felt lonely. your father was dead, your master was dead, and you barely made it out alive. everyone you loved was dead.

the realization choked you.

you shakily inhaled as tears burned your eyes. your heart twisted as you withheld sobs. pabu was a place of refuge; you didn’t want to bog it down with your trauma. you couldn’t help it, though. finally being able to rest meant you remembered things you didn’t want to.

your father’s loving embrace.

your master’s proud smile.

your best friend’s terrible jokes.

your men’s courage.

your eyes stayed on the horizon as you heard someone approach you. you quickly wiped your eyes and turned to face sergeant hunter, who’s face looked a little more relaxed than usual.

“hey,” you greeted, hoping he didn’t catch the glint of tears in your eyes.

“hey,” he sat down next to you, offering a small smile. he noticed your eyes, the way they glistened with unshed tears. your cheeks were red too, but maybe that was just the reflection of the sunset.

“omega busying herself?” you inquired, sniffling. hunter leaned back, his arms resting on the table top.

“as always,” he answered, “you alright?”

“fine,” you assured him. despite being a jedi, you were a terrible liar. hunter knew that, but he didn’t need his enhanced senses to see how distressed you were.

“you’re lying,” he gently pointed out, watching your expression change. you didn’t want to talk about your feelings, especially since it would be more sobbing than talking. you’ve shoved your emotions down for so long for survival purposes, and you didn’t want to open that can of worms.

“maybe i am,” you respond, your eyes still angled towards the sunset.

“you need to talk about it,” he told you. he was sincere, genuine in his desire to help you. you, however, didn’t want to be helped.

“i’m fine, hunter,” you reiterated. with every nudge to talk, to tell him what you were feeling, irritation built in your gut. you knew that he could sense your unease, and you also knew that he wanted to help you feel better. he didn’t deserve the attitude that was brewing.

“y/n, you’re not, and stop saying you are,” he was growing irritated because he knew that the longer you bottled it up, the more explosive you’d be. he also just wanted you to be ok. he hated watching you battle your past silently.

“why? why do you care so much about how i feel?” you snapped, your posture illustrating just how tense you were. you were tied up and tense, and just one wrong word would set you off.

“because it’s affecting your health, y/n! it’s taking a toll on your body and all of us can see that,” he didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to argue with you. he didn’t want any of this but he was too caught up in the moment, and he didn’t want the moment where he’d shut down to come any faster.

“i don’t need you to try and make me feel better! i can do it by myself,” you snapped, standing up and stepping away from him. your anger was coiling around your lungs, transforming into something stronger: grief.

“you’re not supposed to,” hunter watched as you turned away from him. his senses were in overdrive, and he wasn’t sure how much more of his own emotions he’d be able to regulate, but he wanted to help you.

“you have no idea what it’s like to watch your life fall all around you. to be hunted down by the thing you once called your best friend. to reach out into the force to find some semblance of comfort and instead you’re met with emptiness. you have no idea how it feels to lose everyone you love in the span of a few hours,” your voice started out raised, almost yelling at hunter, but the more you processed the words you were saying, the softer your voice got. grief laid between your heart and your lungs, suffocating you as you struggled to keep it together.

silence crept between you, inflating and creating an uncomfortable tension. you’ve never talked about order 66, only to say it was horrific and you didn’t want to look back. hunter stepped forwards as you hugged yourself, tears spilling from your eyes. you were supposed to have control over your emotions, to regulate them in order to have clear judgement. you weren’t taught how to grieve.

“y/n…” hunter’s voice was a whisper. he stepped towards you, laying a gentle hand on your shoulder. hunter knew loss, he knew fear, but he didn’t know the loss you felt. he’s never seen you break in such a fragile way.

“i miss them, hunter. i’m so alone,” you sniffle as you try to regain some composure. hunter shook his head as he fought through his own body, which screamed at him to step away, to wait. he took you into his arms, cradling the back of your head with one of his hands. he felt every emotion that was pouring out of you. he felt your grief, your anger, and your guilt.

“you’re not as alone as you think,” he hummed as he swayed you gently, trying to be the force that brings you some semblance of comfort after all this time.

hi hello i’m alive. here’s some angst that’s been sitting in my drafts for too long. pls enjoy hehe

[goodobservationshirley]

Did you go into your conversations with Rebecca knowing she would be a character in the show, or was that something you were still trying to figure out? I really wanted to make her a character. She had done a few interviews where she talked about the way she dove into the world of these teenagers to write this. This woman in her 20s went and did what no journalist, no cop, and no lawyer was able to do, which is get the real truth of what happened. It was a big priority for Hulu that the show have an adult perspective, and she felt like an obvious place to start. Then we would have an opportunity to comment on the nature of true crime and what it does to somebody who immerses themselves in that.

Was she onboard with being a character in the series? I was so scared because the ask was quite personal. In an interview I read before I met her, she talked about her trauma from childhood. I knew we were going to need to delve into that if she was going to be a character in the show. She was really open to it.

She knew she was terminally ill from the time that I met her; she told me a handful of months into knowing her. I think there was an element of knowing she was at the end of her life. She was very ready to allow me to go to her most personal places and put that on the screen. Every time I turned in an episode outline to her, I’d be spinning out on the other side, like, Oh God, this is so fucking personal, and then she would send back her notes and they would just be about a line Josephine says. She never seemed to feel a real pressure to want the character to be hyper-lovable or sanitized. She taught a course on anti-heroines, so when I was like, “Hey, sometimes she’s gonna be more of an anti-hero,” she was like, “I love that.”

The character Rebecca’s feelings about her brother are an important part of the show and one of the reasons she’s able to relate to these kids so much, especially Warren, the only boy accused in the crime. Was that something Rebecca was feeling at the time and just didn’t put it in the book because she wasn’t a character herself? I think Rebecca was processing some of that during our development. In the first conversation we had about how directly the show was linked to her loss of her brother, she said that a lot of people in her life had suggested that Warren must have reminded her of her brother because she lost her brother when he was the exact same age. The final conversations I had with her right before she passed were about the fact that in the end, she realized that it was more about what she saw of herself in him than anything else. She felt that so much of his way of moving through the world would be shaped forever by guilt. I think her quest to make people understand how someone can do a bad thing came from a place of feeling like she had been capable of bad things when she was a kid.

[tenderhungering]

Have you noticed how women are used in the film? Their suffering, grief, ambitions and even deaths. It all benefits the men.

yes, i have! i think it was during the first time i watched with two of my friends that we mentioned how fucked up it seemed to bring in lilly. she was an abused child in circumstances that june describes as inhumane and now she's supposed to come on and chat about said abuse.

to better delve into this though, i'm going to do a little ramble on each female character (i've been meaning to this regardless so this question has me excited!)

Lilly

as i mentioned before, lilly, to the public, is an abused child who has been rescued from a cult and is now the subject of dr. june's book. i believe that june really did care for lilly but she in a way, was still benefiting from her by writing about her. something to study while parenting. reminds me a bit about parents who write about raising troubled children.

jack brings them onto the show almost because he knows how shocking this is to audiences, to have survived what lilly did. i think that fear and shame but also desire kiss on the mouth. the public both fears the occult but want to learn more, there is some sort of fascination with the idea of someone being in it and being able to get out of it (would people do the same?). lilly is a spectacle. she is to go from not knowing the outside world to standing in front of the camera and expecting to behave like a typical girl her age. it's almost like she has to prove herself well-adjusted after her trauma.

june explains to her that everyone having a demon inside of them, acknowledging that lilly's might be a little more literal but because the demon serves as a stark reminder of her time in the cult, it's similar to someone working around their triggers. everyone has hurt in them. like a therapist helping you work with carrying that hurt rather than just suppressing it. clearly the demon leaves lilly exhausted, upset and feel not like herself. she's crying after her scene and asking june as to why she's hurt her, and apologizing for whatever happened when Mr. Wriggles was there. she is not in control of her actions. but jack wants more. he's momentarily sympathetic but realizes that it's getting him higher ratings. the more hurt is displayed, the happier than the media is.

even in the final scene, when the demon possesses her, we can see it in her face that she's distraught. confused. but all the camera does is zoom in on her expression,

June

june is so intriguing to me as a character because it's almost as though her instinct toward things is a calm and collected behavior, one that thinks of the ethics of it, whether anyone will get hurt, but her decisions are so easily swayed by jack. and he knows exactly what to tell her too. Everyone finally take you seriously. It is the 70s so there's no surprise that misogyny is rampant (though the 70s did introduce the second wave of feminism, she may be a representation of challenging attitudes as well). june is a very passionate woman in her studies, she'd be considered an expert in the field but this is almost immediately dismissed as soon as she's introduced as a doctor. you call yourself that. is that what you believe you are? can you prove you are?

i think it makes june feel better if everyone has a distance from lilly - hence writing a book about her. you can know lilly through the pages. you don't need to make her suffer for views then, you can educate yourself on what was happened to her and understand she's hurt more than necessary. she might've felt the need to write the book for them both. lilly need to be understood and emphasized with as more than just a "child of d'abo". but jack invites her with the idea of simply talking about said book, one of her biggest accomplishments and instead wants to treat them like some sort of circus act. do a trick for me, june! you know how to! it's not enough that you tell me you know, you have to show me, you have to prove yourself to me, the camera makes it real.

it is that logic that sometimes makes her feel inclined to prove herself. and sometimes this is at the cost of her own morals.

Minnie

my beautiful wife,,,

i love minnie. so much. i've written a bit about how i think she was prior to her death in other asks but i never quite touch so much on how much she was exploited by both jack and the industry.

to be ill is a personal affair. and it was on all the tabloids whenever minnie was diagnosed with cancer (even if she did not smoke! i mention this because while smoking might contribute to lung cancer, it did feel like an odd mention that they'd pay so much attention to whether or not she did? it might've been to emphasize how sudden this all was but i'd also like to throw in that perhaps she was also just taking care of her voice! she was in theatre.) she has no privacy to mourn the gradual loss of her life. some people believe the cult was implied to be the one who had made this illness manifest for her which is awful in its own regard and more so when one considers the fact they did it to get to jack. almost as though minnie is an extension of himself and not his own person.

jack inviting her to the show could very well be done just because he wanted to invite his wife (though it does feel a bit odd he waited till she was sick to do this. maybe it was some sort of public gesture of affection, they both live to entertain, it's their job) but there's something saddening about the ordeal. it's almost as though knowing minnie was sick was not enough, the public had to see her in order to have some sort of confirmation. and the immediate comment about inviting her over being followed how even then, this wasn't enough to surpass johnny carson is morbid to say the least. almost as though minnie had just been used as a way to gain better ratings. sympathy ratings. i don't want to remove any agency of minnie, it might have been her decision to go on the show but the public's reaction to is that is what is more concerning.

even her death was simply a sacrifice. she was nothing more than a missing puzzle piece to have jack move forward (or downwards?). something that would benefit jack. as all the women in the film have been. each with such distinct personalties and motives to what keeps them going (or who are still amidst figuring out what they'd want out of life) being only part of a larger scheme where men are the benefactors. the grove only allowed men. the cult birthed sacrifices from their women. women are a stepping stone. a chess piece. something that needs to bleed for someone who demands it.

i love writing about how compelling these characters are! so sorry if sometimes my ramblings feel leaning more towards just dissection rather than downright analysis! i hope it gave some insight though!

[thecasualqueer]

oooooohhhh def def agree with your addition! and just bc your addition got my brain tumbling, if I may add:

"So, I don't think this is something that TV Kara has ever admitted to anyone, to the point where even when being asked by someone close to her who has been through similar things she still can't admit it."

I sooo agree with this PLUS I think the expectations and pressure she felt all added to her not admitting it. Like in the start, she didn't have anyone to really talk to about her survivor's guilt who would really understand why it hurt so much. Someone who wouldn't pity and baby her if she mentioned it. Bc to the Danvers and even to Kal, Kara was just a kid. Not someone who would've been the youngest Kryptonian in the science guild, not someone who will never hear the harmony of prayers in Rao's Temple ever again, not a girl who didn't just lost her family but every single person she's ever met, too.

When Kara was younger (and even in the show, as an adult), the people around her could never fully grasp the depth and grief that Kara carried (which Kara is also infinitely grateful for, she wouldn't wish this pain on anyone), so she definitely kept it in. Both duty-bound to continue living for her parents who told her to, and for her new family who have sacrificed so much to keep her safe and alive. But for a long while, she definitely did not want to.

But what else could she do? Add another point of pain to the people who have already been through so much just to keep her with them?

You're so right in mentioning Kara's martyr-like approach in S1 and I think that applies to the way Kara never really talks about her darker thoughts too. She would martyr her emotions and thoughts if it meant keeping her loved ones from worrying about her. In her mind, and as taught to her way back on a planet that once was home, it is important to be "other-focused" and to show restraint towards things that would "unbalance" the peace.

Kara doesn't admit that she dreams of death bc she doesn't feel like she deserves it and because she doesn't feel like it's fair to share to her loved ones (who, to Kara, have sacrificed so much for her).

anywayysss sorry for the long ask-reply to your addition it just got my brain going brrrrrr 😂😅 I'd love to hear if you have any more additions or different thoughts though!

yes this ☝️☝️☝️

I also think this intense unspoken pain is also what draws her to Mon El. At the point when she meets him she has gone so long feeling this way and never being able to talk about it that when she thinks she has found someone who could finally understand she can't let that opportunity pass by (even if he is the biggest dick to walk the earth).

also... having to send him away after all this??? ie literally subjecting someone else to the the same trauma she's spent her entire trying to get away from, bc it's the only choice she has to save the world.

No wonder she has a mental breakdown and quits her job after!!!!

Also, also, this is one of the things that makes her relationship with Lena so special and unique, bc even though they have vastly different experiences Lena is probably the only person in her life who can relate to having trauma so deep that it cannot even be spoken about. Just like Kara, Lena has been through so much that she is practically bursting at the seems (mentally), and just like Kara, she has had to put on a brave face through all of it.

Like, look me in the eye and tell me that Kara does not put her trauma into little boxes!!!

Anyway, sorry it took so long for me to reply to this ask I've been really busy lately but I hope it was worth the wait.

👉original post (where it started)

[thousand-winters]

(So sorry if you got this already tumblr has been eating my asks recently gahhh)

In my head, there's this very angsty scenario of how things would play out between Darius and Hunter in the aftermath of All The Shit, where Darius basically pushes Hunter away because of his own internal guilt over how he treated Hunter during his time in the coven, not necessarily because he just feels bad about it, but because he recognizes that if he and Hunter get closer, Hunter would not allow himself to get mad at Darius for his bullying and dismissal -- the same way Hunter never allowed himself to get mad at Belos. And Darius would think Hunter deserves to be able to get angry at him, (projecting his own anger at himself, of course), so he puts distance between them in the hopes that Hunter would eventually be angry at him for the things in the coven. And poor Hunter would be so lost and confused about it -- he thought they were getting closer, that they were friends. It would take a stern talking to from one of the unexpected parents (Eda, probably) or just a smack upside the head from Camilla to set him straight again. "Darius, it doesn't matter what you think might not happen -- he's made his choice already. He wants you. And if you make him feel safe enough, whether he gets mad at you initially won't matter either, because he'll feel safe enough to deal with it eventually."

(No worries!!! Tumblr is so wonky sometimes)

Oh, my goodness, I love that.

Something I really love to play with when it comes to Dadrius early dynamic after the finale is that it can be such a mess of misunderstandings because Hunter doesn't feel like he's quite enough (right enough, worthy enough, normal enough) to be someone's child, while Darius doesn't feel prepared to be someone's parent, let alone Hunter's, which is so ironic because I think for Darius part of that doubt would come from the fact he's perhaps the adult who knows the best how much help Hunter will need and the one with the best idea of the extent of the trauma he suffered while at the castle, which means to him it feels like a more daunting situation; he does NOT want to mess things up when Hunter is currently in a bit of an emotionally fragile estate.

This would definitely play a big part here because Darius, who knows Hunter used to justify what Belos did to him because they were family —for the most part Hunter probably didn't realize some of the treatment was messed up, but when he did, he learned well to find excuses for Belos—, knows very well too how Hunter tends to let authority figures he even just remotely admires or respects walk all over him (he did that himself once, after all), and while that's definitely something that can be unlearned, he would be afraid that his own actions back then might influence too much how things go now. Especially because I think that while obviously he made up for that, at the time Hunter was a bit like a wild animal you don't want to scare by offering too much human decency at once 😭 He couldn't say "hey, Hunter, it was a bit fucked up of me to project my grief on you and insult you, you are not responsible for other people's, especially adults, emotional troubles" or else Hunter would have been jumping through the window.

So because he had to work slowly through Hunter being comfortable and not weirded out by being treated kindly and taught some level of boundaries, Darius could feel like Hunter might have a skewed vision of things and might think it's okay if Darius mistreated him, and while that might be sort of true, it's no more so than how Hunter is with any other adult with power over him.

Poor Hunter just feels like Darius was kind to him to the extent of making sure he was safe and out of Belos' reach and now he doesn't give a damn about him... and why would he when Hunter has nothing to offer? 😔 With Camila things were temporary, and with Belos he had to earn his place, so he can't just expect Darius to want him around forever or at all without doing anything for him, right? So he probably wouldn't even try to insist one bit to Darius, he would respect that distance.

Hunter and Darius are truly such a pair, out there thinking the worst of themselves and creating a conflict where there's none.

I figure Eber would be the first one to try and talk some sense onto Darius, and then probably Eda or Camila or whoever Hunter is staying with for now, since then Darius would not only have the objective view of things from Eber, but also a glimpse of how Hunter is feeling, which is very important if he's assuming that Hunter is just gonna forget their bond and thrive somewhere else if he just tries hard enough.

There's definitely going to be such an awkward period after this too, I think the whole "you can be angry at me" matter would have to be one of the firsts they tackle considering how much it escalated. Darius might not be so convinced at first, caught up as he is in his own self-doubts, but it would be very good for Hunter for his parent to say that to him, since it already shows from the first moment that this isn't going to be any kind of dynamic of servitude or anything of that sort. And you know, Hunter might not even mind that much what happened at the coven because he understands how that environment can make you angry and spiteful, and the kindness Darius showed afterward was very significant to him more than a simple apology would, but ironically he might be upset at Darius pulling his whole distancing himself move.

Not exactly how either of them expected things to go, but they can work with it, and seeing that it won't be a deal breaker will help them form a stronger bond because they know they don't have to walk on eggshells around each other... as far as it comes to this matter at least. There's quite a lot both of them have to learn.

[tellmegoodbye]

Tag Game: Grief

Thank you @lonestar-s5countdown for the questions and thank you @bonheur-cafe @strandnreyes @literateowl @reyesstrand and @decafdino for tagging me!

---

(1) Which character death in 911 Lone Star hit you the hardest?

In terms of shock and the events in the aftermath, it had to be Gabriel. Watching Carlos break down the way he did, seeing how differently he dealt with his grief compared to the way TK shut down after Gwyn's death, it had me crying until the very end.

However, I think I cried the most after Charles' death. One Day is one of those episodes I always come back to because it's just guaranteed to make me cry. Seeing Tommy hold it together all episode only to finally break down in the end? Seeing the way Grace and Judd fall apart when they put the pieces together while watching Tommy's kids? I don't think any character death is topping the way this one broke me.

(2) What is your favorite grief-related moment in the show?

There's so many! Tommy's grief group. Owen and Andrea talking about Gwyn and Gabriel before the wedding, even if that was a deleted scene. Everyone dealing with their grief surrounding Tim's death in their own way in 2x02. Tommy finally breaking down in 2x13. Owen's talk with Carlos about obsession.

My favorite probably has to be Owen's dream in 3x18. He's been carrying around so much guilt and trauma up until that point and it's been eating him alive, but he was finally able to see that continuing to hold onto that guilt isn't helping him. It's hurting him. In a way, he was finally able to let go of a lot of things (his brother's death, his family falling apart, 9/11, the mistakes he made with TK, Gwyn's death, etc) which is one of the hardest steps to take in the grief process. It doesn't mean he'll forget, it just means he can move forward and live with a little more peace in his heart.

(3) Do you think there will be a character death in season 5? If so, any guesses about who it might be?

If there is, I don't think it would be any of the main characters. A minor character death can be impactful in many different ways though, and I wouldn't put it past lone star to kill off someone we would least expect, so we'll see!

(4) Which living character's death would destroy you the most?

Probably Owen. I say that because killing off TK or Carlos is just not an option and I think we're all in agreement that they're off limits. Owen's death would make a lot of sense at some point down the line. After he's finally found the peace he's been looking for and gets to see his son thrive in his job and with his soulmate. Once Owen has nothing left to worry about, killing him off would make a lot of sense and still be devastatingly tragic at the same time.

(5) Which character's childhood trauma do you think was most significant in shaping them?

All of these characters have such unique backgrounds that it's kind of hard to try and compare traumas (and that's not something I like to do) so instead I'm going to say in terms of time, it would be Owen. His trauma has been accumulating longer than most of the rest of these characters have been alive, and the longer you live with something without properly dealing with it, the more it will bring you down. You could also say Judd because like Owen, he has a lot of childhood guilt and trauma as well as some recent trauma. It makes sense why these two ended up being such close friends. They understand each other in that sense.

---

Open tag because a lot of people have done this already!

[buckybarnesss]

Heather, we gotta talk about Peter and Lydia's dynamic, and then how he 'grew'???? Into his relationship with Malia. I mean like kind of insane of him to use Lydia as a soul capsule???? Then just letting her run around??? Then trying to manipulate her into thinking about everything???

i had to sit with this one a little bit to collect my thoughts about lydia and peter.

i'm sure what attracts people is that there's this element of perspheone and hades, of lydia's decent into the world of the supernatural because of peter, that he drove her into some form of madness with the two of them.

peter got lucky with lydia.

her being a banshee along side the connection between an alpha and someone they bit pulled his ass out of the afterlife.

him being his high-school self? was it a manipulation? did peter even have control of it? was it lydia's banshee powers? was it them both seeking a connection in a form lydia would be more comfortable with? less likely to be suspicious of?

in 6a lenore is able to create a manifestation of her deceased son. banshee powers are ill-defined in canon because it seems they are limitless and entirely unique to the banshee forged by their trauma and circumstance.

it's no coincidence to me that lydia under the tutelage of meredith is finally able to control and purposefully use her powers to save malia. lydia's loss of allison is a well spring of trauma, of pain and grief for her. she would do anything to not have someone else she cares about die knowing she could've done something to prevent it.

and also lydia is someone who spent a lot of time not using her voice, hiding behind a mask of the popular queen bee persona and when she does find her voice it becomes her greatest weapon. lydia's being true to herself and using her voice saves mason, stiles, malia and deaton. the wool is fully removed from her eyes. her powers let her perceive beyond the veil to the deepest truth of them all -- death.

the thing about peter is he's clever, cunning and manipulative but this man is also a hale so he's also in turn somewhat reckless and dramatic at all times. peter knows no chill and he will recognize no chill. you commit to your goddamn bit.

during peter's time as an alpha he only bites two people. scott and lydia. scott was bitten because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but lydia was bitten deliberately.

s2 makes it clear that peter knew she wasn't going to turn but instead her banshee abilities were going to go from being passive to active. it was also a chance to intimate and strong arm stiles with lydia's life on the line.

as with many things with peter there's multiple reasons but i think he knew very quickly what she was when he encountered her in the tell.

going back to season 1 there were hints of lydia's banshee nature but none were as big as the tell. lydia arriving at the video store coincided closely with the death of the clerk. peter was even still lurking on the premises.

her powers were always there just latent.

alpha peter dicks around with terrorizing jackson and than bursts out only to startle lydia who screams. this moment is captured on the cctv footage which the the sheriff shows deaton stills from. this is also a moment when i think deaton begins to realize what's up.

i think lydia's scream brought peter out of his alpha form. a few episodes later is night school where peter brings all his people of interest to one place to have a really intense game of hide and seek, casual murder and attempts at intimidation. it wasn't just scott he was scoping out is what i'm saying. it's lydia's molotovs that eventually kill him. she's connected to both his death and resurrection.

i think peter knew he was on limited time anyway towards the end either derek was going to kill him or the argents so he took precautions to resurrect himself and lydia just fell into his lap like a portent.

he has continued interest in her like the creep he is though. i don't buy for a second he felt cowed at all when she came to the loft at the end of season 3a when she was trying to get information on where the nemeton is.

i don't really think peter necessarily feels guilt for what he thinks are necessary actions and the most necessary thing of all is the continued survival of peter hale. he's a complicated man. like i think he feels regret at having killed laura but it was a necessary sacrifice to obtain the alpha spark. acting contrite with lydia keeps her from killing him basically.

but again peter is complicated and when he views someone as his in any way he will try to protect them even if it's against his instinct of self preservation.

we see this behavior with malia and derek and cora. even stiles.

but lydia and scott? they are his. he bit them. they're both his greatest successes and his greatest failures as an alpha. he will guard that jealously and revel in it. he will be a pain in their ass. he is their demon to wrestle.

[percywinchester27]

Hi Ana, it’s great to see you!

I started re-reading A Lot Like Us recently, and I got sucked in just as quickly as I did the first time reading it. I love reading the comments there as well, and compliments you get from people here.

Isn’t it amazing how many people all around the world you touched with your stories, and what an impact it had on them? You’re making the world a better place in your own special way 💕

I saw your previous response where you’re talking about how you struggle with writing these days and I just wanted to reach out and say that it’s ok, people change and grow, please don’t put yourself under pressure. It’s not healthy and you will start seeing it as something you have to do and not something you want to do. Give it time. Only write when you feel like it, don’t push yourself. That’s just a bit of unsolicited advice from someone who went through something similar.

But the main purpose of this message is to remind you what a huge impact you’ve had and what a difference you’ve made.

(trauma dump coming up, tw for pregnancy loss)

In 2018 I was in Brussels with my boyfriend of seven years for my birthday weekend. I was five weeks pregnant, absolutely over the moon.

There’s a beautiful small town called Bruges near Brussels, and we went there on birthday. We took a boat tour, it was November so it was already dark, and I remember looking up at the starry sky above us, and I saw a shooting star. I remember thinking that I should make a wish, I remember saying that I don’t need anything else, I have an amazing boyfriend and a baby on the way, I remember thinking that I have never been this happy.

And boy, the universe took it as a challenge.

The next day, as we were at the airport waiting for a plane back to Ireland, I started bleeding. Then there were two weeks of being stuck in bed, trying to save the pregnancy, but I lost her. I can’t even tell you when, she was so tiny that I didn’t notice. One scan she was there, heart beating and all, and next scan there was nothing.

And then, “the love of my life” just walked out on me. Ghosted me after seven years. Literally dropped me off at my house after the hospital appointment and drove off. And I thought he’s grieving so so I got out of my bed, barely able to stand, let alone walk, still bleeding, and I got on the bus to go make sure he’s ok. And he was more than ok. He was on dating apps, his profile saying that he is “looking for a princess to look after.”

I was devastated, had a nervous breakdown, ended up on some strong meds just to stop from shaking, just so I can get up from the bed and go to the toilet. I kept having these visions of me dying, where I felt everything as if it was real, I had nightmares about a baby crying alone in the dark, I was royally effed up. Diagnosed with PTSD. I couldn’t be alone with my own thoughts, I’d spend hours just walking around the mall or town, or I’d go to the cinema to see three movies in one day, just to avoid being by myself. I was a mess.

Well, and then, one day, I started reading A Lot Like Us. When I started reading it, I didn’t know where it’s going to go. When it became clear to me that there’s going to be a pregnancy loss there, I stopped reading. I couldn’t face it. But then I did. I don’t even know what pushed me to do it. I think that I was just so invested that I had to know what happens next. So I took a deep breath and started reading again.

It wasn’t easy. It hit me like a ton of bricks. That part after Y/N is thrown into the pool and Sam is with her in bed, and she lets herself face the grief for the first time, that was very similar to what happened to me. Except I didn’t have Sam Winchester to cling to, but that’s ok, my pillow did just fine.

I went through it along with Y/N, and it was the story that YOU wrote that allowed me to finally start to heal.

And I still read it about twice a year, I grieve and I cry with Y/N. And I heal with her, she graciously shares the love and support she’s getting from everyone around her with me, and this wouldn’t be possible without you sitting down one day, deciding to write a story that was forming in your head.

You absolutely changed my life for the better, Ana. You didn’t know you are doing it, but it happened, and I will forever be grateful to you for it, forever grateful for whatever force it was that pushed me to AO3 that day. Maybe it was the universe trying to apologise for doing me dirty on my birthday in 2018. I don’t know. But I do know one thing, I wouldn’t be here today if you didn’t post the story.

My hero ❤️

It's been a good thirty minutes since I read your message and I have been bawling my eyes out, Annie! You're a friend now... I think of you as one, and always with a smile on my face. I'm livid that some asshole treated you that way and that the universe had the audacity to be so unkind to you! Close your eyes and imagine me giving you the biggest hug... the kind that smothers you a little and you have to say a muffled, "I can't breathe" but you're still grinning in my embrace.

Trust me, Karma comes for everyone... and my people invented that word, so I know what I am talking about. 'A lot like Us' might have helped you, but that fight? That was still all you because you are a brave person with the spirit of a fighter.

I might not have experienced exactly what you did, but if there is anything that writing ALLU taught me, it's that compassion trumps empathy, and you my friend are deeply adored in my heart. I wish you all the healing and love, in a way that is truly worthy of you!

As far as forcing myself to write goes, well, it's not a pressure that others are putting on me. But I know that when all else fails, writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. I need to write now as a means to remain rational. So, don't worry, I'll be just fine. Even if it isn't effortless anymore, I need to put in this work to get back in my groove. Also, your advice is ALWAYS solicited!

ALLU was life-changing for me and I grow fearful that I will never be able to produce a better piece of work. But if that was my highest high, I am elated that it helped you in any way <3

I love you, my Darling! You are a freaking rockstar <3

[bluegekk0]

Hello, I hope you're having a nice day! regarding the relationship Zote as with the fam, what if someone saw him crying or having a breakdown, how would the members react, and what would Zote do if he was caught on the act? Would he try to hide it or something? (Sorry for the "sad" ask 😅)

He would 100% try to hide it, to the point where I don't think anyone in the family has ever seen him cry, or at the very least they've never seen him have a breakdown. He would never want anyone to witness him at his lowest point, he has to maintain the tough act, and I think he even tries to convince himself that he has no weaknesses.

That's not to say he's never cried. He's been bullied for most of his life, and sometimes that tough guy mask slips, leaving him with a lot of bottled emotions that eventually find a way out. But if he does, it's always when he's sure he's alone, he sees those emotions as weakness and the last thing he wants is to be seen as a crybaby.

What he doesn't realize, is that opening up to the family members would help him greatly. They've all been through a lot, and while they might still struggle when dealing with their traumas, they would never reject him for letting his emotions out. Even Hornet, who often fights and pokes fun at him wouldn't mock him for it - she'd even try to cheer him up in her own way, which would be very awkward, but it's the thought that counts. Holly would be there to support him, they wouldn't be able to say anything helpful, but they'd try to cheer him up with their actions. Lewk has a good sense when it comes to emotions, so even if he doesn't fully understand a lot of them, he instinctively senses sadness in others and then tries to cheer them up (it's something he kind of got from Grimm, except the only emotion Grimm can sense to such extent is fear), and there's no reason why he would make Zote an exception. The twins are similar, they don't have an ability like their bigger brother, but if Zote started sobbing in their presence they would instinctively move closer towards him - Asta in particular would be quick to respond, since she's very protective of Milo whenever he cries.

And lastly, there's Grimm and Vyrm. Vyrm cries a lot, he bottled up his emotions for many years and he finally feels comfortable letting them out, so he more than anyone would understand what Zote's struggling with. There's actually some really neat parallels between them, they both got rejected by their birth family and bullied in their childhood, and spent most of their lives playing the roles of someone they weren't. Though it's worth noting that their reasons for that were a bit different. For Zote, it was a way to fight off the bullying and act like he's better than everyone. Vyrm, on the other hand, did so as a defence mechanism, he was terrified of being rejected and wanted to prove himself, though all it did was put him through constant stress and pain. Either way, they would find something in common if they sat down and talked about it, and if Zote started crying, Vyrm would try his best to be there for him.

Grimm, meanwhile, can't physically cry, so he wouldn't be able to relate to it. But what he compensates with, is his incredible patience when it comes to others dealing with their own emotions. He's good at controlling his own emotions, but does struggle with processing some of them - his behavior after Vyrm's disappearance is a perfect example here, he would distance himself and lash out at others at any minor inconvenience, all because he had trouble processing his grief. What he's definitely good at, is being a listener. He's very patient with Vyrm, he lets him cry on his shoulder and ensures that the wyrm always feels safe in his presence. And while he's nowhere near as close with Zote, he would extend that kindness and support towards him if he ever saw him cry. To some extent, helping others deal with their trauma also helps him process his own emotions. Perhaps it's something that just comes naturally to him, after all, his original purpose was to help mortals overcome their fears whenever he entered their nightmares. Said purpose most certainly didn't foresee him having his own fears and traumas, but it's not too far-fetched to notice the link. Either way, he's supportive of his loved ones, which also includes Zote since he's part of the family.

So in short, they would try to support him, but unfortunately he keeps a lot about himself from them (instead telling lies that make him seem stronger and braver than he is). Because of that, they don't know the full extent of what's haunting him, so perhaps part of him feels like they just wouldn't understand. He's not at a point where he would open up just yet, but perhaps with time he'll do just that. It would be a huge step in his character arc for sure.

[utilitycaster]

the whole “copy paste” thing has also led to some really weird ooc angst with orym. like, if you want a story about struggling with self worth and the heavy weight of responsibility, we already have ashton! if you want angst about feeling indebted to the people you love, post resurrection laudna is right there! i feel like i’m in the twilight zone every time people talk about orym and how messed up and broken he secretly is. especially when liam seems to be playing him as someone who’s mostly worked through his trauma and grief and is looking for that final bit of closure

Right! Like...there's several reasons I dislike it. One is that it's such a disservice to the other characters who do struggle with loss of control, or, as you say, struggle with responsibility or self-worth or indebtedness. The second is that I know I'm hard on Orym, but Liam is doing something that he cares about deeply and is very deliberate, and even if it's not always my particular cup of tea I have to respect it. He built a character who is here as a level-headed protector. Orym doesn't struggle with responsibility - this is his entire life. He both still feels grief and anger over the deaths of Will and Derrig, but he also has to an extent made his peace provided he can continue to carry their legacy, and that's also very interesting, since Caleb at the start of the story very much hadn't, and Vax I feel thought he had but also hadn't.

My favorite moments with Orym, honestly, have been moments of him being that protector and mediating the group; moments of silliness and joy (particularly when he got his sword); and the actual moment of angst when he thought he had died without that closure. Like...I think it's fine to have headcanons, I do, but there's a point where, when you prefer what isn't there to what is, I have to wonder what you're watching for.

This is also tbh a thing that happens with Liam's characters with the fandom (ie, not his fault). Liam does very specifically engage with tragedy (though the degree of tragedy we see with Vax isn't actually what was originally intended, which doesn't lessen its impact; it's just to say that I think the fandom would treat his later characters drastically differently if Vax were alive and Keyleth's husband but otherwise unchanged in characterization and if Caleb and Orym were completely unchanged). But I feel like it means that people will place angst on his characters beyond the tragedy that is already there, which I think waters it down (less is more, etc) and often sideline other characters for that copy-paste, and for what. Like...everyone in this cast can do tragedy and we've seen it. You only stand to lose by pretending only one can. This isn't a phenomenon unique to Liam, either, in which people take their favorite character (who is sometimes their favorite for reasons that seem more obligatory and tied to a skewed view of the actor than anything actually having to do with the character, but I digress) and grab whatever cool shit other characters have, but it always seems like such a loss, to watch someone look at an ensemble and try to strip-mine the good and consolidate it into a shitty frankenstein.

(Also, people claim they want angst but then get squeamish about The Vorb, which kind of furthers my point here; the thing about headcanon and fanon is that you are totally in control of them and can stop them before they get out of your safe little comfort zone, which is why I find them boring most of the time. The catharsis of tragedy, in my opinion, comes from the fact that it is out of your control. Like, you made yourself sad? K. Call me when you're able to let down your walls enough to let someone else make you sad.)

[rahleeyah]

Do you think that by killing off Kathy instead of a divorce between her and Elliot, that El is still not "choosing" Liv? That when EO get together it's more of Elliot being "well my wife's dead so I guess I'll be with you". For many fans the choice of killing her off was not the best choice for the reason I state, and cause to fridge a female character is gross too.

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you understand what I am saying.

No, I don't think that.

I know a lot of people feel that way, but as we've discussed on this blog before I really do feel that Elliot couldn't choose Liv over Kathy while Kathy was still alive, not least bc Olivia wouldn't let him. And yes, of course, he could've gotten divorced from Kathy and then turned up looking for Olivia - and it would've been interesting to see Olivia be able to really vent her anger at him in those early days - but there's something....off, if Kathy's still around. She's still such a source of insecurity for Liv - does Elliot really want Olivia more, did he only come to Olivia bc Kathy finally got rid of him (which is essentially the same as only coming to Liv bc Kathy died, maybe even worse), has Olivia taken something from Elliot's family, do the kids resent her, etc - and Olivia's own reticence I think gets in the way too much if Kathy is alive. Olivia has been telling herself that Elliot is someone else's husband for so long that even a divorce isn't enough to nudge her, I don't think; it certainly didn't the first time. And yes the first time they were still partners but this time he's left her for a decade (why is he only coming back now? Isn't Liv still a consolation prize in this version?) and if she leaps straight into her anger without those months of caring for him maybe they don't ever recover.

And like what's the timeline. Elliot comes for the ceremony while still married to Kathy and Liv is furious and he leaves Kathy? Idk about that. Elliot gets divorced and only then turns up? Yeah I don't love that either.

And yeah, obviously, fridging is a serious issue that we do need to talk about but also characters have to die sometimes. We can't just never have a character die, never have the other characters experience loss; that's ignoring a whole vast swath of human emotion that does need to be explored in media. And if you're gonna kill someone off so that you can talk about grief and trauma and love and healing, pragmatically you're gonna kill a side character. Bc you want to keep your mains around for later. You need your mains. They're the story.

On the one hand, it would've been nice to see Kathy stand up for herself and go out and make a new life and not be beholden to Elliot. On the other hand, life doesn't give us all happy endings. Kathy had just as many choices as Elliot did. She asked him to come to bed, she asked - pushed - him to come back to raise Eli. She was happy in Rome. With him. Maybe Kathy didn't want another life. Maybe she wanted her husband - she worked hard enough to keep him - and maybe her ending is tragic, but life is tragic. A man looking at his cell phone while driving hit my mother head on and we spent a week in the hospital with her, jumping every time her eyelashes fluttered even tho we knew there was no activity in her brain. In the perfect story, her eyes would've opened. She would've woken up. We wouldn't have lost her. We did. The story doesn't have a happy ending. We stumble thru our grief. I kind of like it when the stories I consume reflect things I've felt in my own heart; it helps learn to name my emotions, and find connection and solace in the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling them.

Not every story has a happy ending. Kathy's didn't. That's not a crime imo.

[walker-extended-universe]

About A Boy

Summary: In which Cordell decided to be the older brother Kevin lost to the war

Tags: AU, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Adoption, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending

Chapter one:

“I’m sorry for your loss. He was a good man; he was the best of us, really.”

Cordell hated this part of military service. Losing his brothers in the field was one thing; coming home to see their families was a whole different bucket of trauma. He hated seeing their grief and the barely-disguised loathing as they wondered why he got to come home and their beloved son/brother/husband didn’t.

Mrs. Cooper reached over and patted his hand. “Thank you, that means a lot.” Her husband and young son kept silent. The boy- Coop’s younger brother- stared at his plate, not touching any of the food on it.

How old was he? 10? 11? Cordell wracked his brain for any mention Coop may have made of a younger brother but nothing came to mind. 

All he could see now was Liam sitting in that same spot, the same lost look on his face. What would his family do if he was just suddenly gone and they had to watch other men get a medal in his place? What would he wish for the men of his unit to do for them in his stead?

“I- Can I give you my number?” he suggested gently. “Clay and I- all of us really- were close. I know I’m not him but I want to be there to help with anything if I can.”

“That’s kind of you to offer, young man,” Coop’s father said. “We appreciate that.”

They exchanged numbers before Cordell is called away for some photo op with the governor. How lucky their great state was to have turned out a company of such fine men. And how lucky the governor was that he got to get a piece of the credit for their service.

Cordell was beyond exhausted when he was finally allowed to leave and go home. Emily drove and thankfully didn’t press him for conversation. She made excuses for him to miss dinner with the family and gave him space.

Later that night, she snuggled up against his back in bed and kissed his shoulder. “You did a good thing today,” she murmured. “Reaching out to his family. They need someone to be there if he can’t be.”

Cordell shook his head. “I’m not him, Em.”

“Didn’t say you were.” She snaked a hand around his waist and held one of his. “They’ll appreciate having you around all the same. Especially Kevin….”

Kevin…. “You’re probably right,” he murmured.

“I usually am.” She kissed his cheek. “Now sleep. You need it.”

—-------

It ended up being a couple weeks before he was able to make it over to visit the Cooper family. He stressed about it for days after they set up the time but there was no getting around it now; he was committed.

Mama sent him over with a casserole. He also brought Cooper’s flag. The unit had kept it after Coop’s death, a way for him to finish the tour, a way for them to not have to say goodbye to him just yet. He’d packed it in his duffle when he returned home and planned on keeping it there, but he figured the Cooper’s needed it more. It was burned and tattered but it was still a part of Coop that they would appreciate. At least, he hoped they would.

“Thank you for coming,” Mrs. Cooper said, taking the casserole and setting it in the kitchen. “My husband is out but Kevin is just upstairs. I’m sure he’d love to talk to you.”

Cordell nodded. “Yes ma’am. Actually, I have something of Coop’s that I thought he might want. Is it alright with you if I give it to him?”

“That’s just fine, dear. I think he’d really appreciate that.” Mrs. Cooper ushered him upstairs and led him to Kevin’s room.

“Kevin? Sweetie, Cordell Walker came by to see you. He says he’s got something of Clay’s for you.” She gently knocked on his door and edged it open.

Kevin was sitting on his bed, idly flipping through a photo album. He glanced up, waved, then went back to looking at the photos.

She sighed. “He’s been like this since we got the call,” she murmured. “Just stays up here all day looking at that album unless he’s at school or baseball. I’ve tried to get him into counseling but he just won’t…” She shook her head. “I’ll leave you to it.” She headed back downstairs, sniffing softly.

Cordell took a deep breath and then entered the room, flag firmly in hand. “Hey, Kevin,” he said with as much of a smile as he could muster. “I… I brought you something. It belonged to your brother and… it meant a lot to him. To the whole unit, really…. I thought you might want it.” He held the flag out toward him. Kevin made no move to take it, so Cordell kept talking.

“He hung it up over his cot every time we settled somewhere. He’d talk about how Texas was his home, a part of him no one could ever take away. We were all Texas boys, so we understood.” He swallowed hard. “After…. After he was KIA, we kept the flag with us. We carried it to every station we visited. It was our way of honoring him, keeping him with us for the rest of the tour. We always hung it up over the cot he would’ve picked and we never went anywhere without it. Even one time when our barracks caught fire, I ran back in to get it.. It’s a little burnt and frayed but… It’s still with us.” Even though he isn’t.

Kevin finally looked up. He set the album aside and took the folded flag in his hands. “Clay bought it before he went on his first tour,” he said in a quiet voice. “Said he wanted a little piece of home with him on the other side of the world.”

Cordell nodded and sat on the bed next to him. “He was a Texas boy, through and through. Sometimes, when we had downtime and he had enough to drink, he’d tell us stories about being back home.” He left out that none of those stories had included Kevin.

Kevin nodded. “He told stories about being over there too. Not a lot of them, mostly the dumb stuff y’all would get up to in your off time.”

Cordell chuckled. “Yeah, we did get up to some pretty dumb stuff when the higher-ups weren’t breathing down our necks.” He saw an opening and he was going to take it. “You know, there was this one time when he had leave to go into a nearby city and let off a little steam….”

He spent the rest of the afternoon in Kevin’s room telling him (sanitized and censored) stories of the shenanigans their unit would get up to. Coop was usually the one that would get them out of trouble but he made sure to sprinkle in a few where he instigated the trouble. Just to keep things fair.

Before he knew it, it was time for him to go home to eat dinner with his family. The Coopers invited him to stay, and he almost did just to keep Kevin smiling. But he did have to go home. “I’ll visit soon though, Stinker, okay?”

The endearment rolled off his tongue easily. Almost too easily. He worried that Kevin might take offense; maybe that was Cooper’s nickname for him too. Luckily, Kevin chose to hug him instead of being angry.

Before he said goodbye, he arranged another time to meet up and promised Kevin they could do something more fun next time.